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hope isn’t something you just have, it’s something you sink your teeth into like an animal so it doesn’t get away
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Decided to revisit my fav band from my born-again christian era & having such a weird feeling realizing how damaging christianity was to my psyche and also how my faith carried me through an incredibly painful adolescence. ??.
#dialectics i guess#my belief system is so crazy different now. i guess it was nice having some grand religious philosophy to hold onto#i can respect the place that this specific brand of Enlightened Christianity comes from and also disagree with core christian doctrine#it's. interesting i suppose#listening to some old fav songs & finding myself strongly resonating and then strongly disagreeing with like every other line#i firmly reject the concept of default sin as a condition of existing#i do think i need a dose of spirituality combined with like. DBT. to sustain mental health#i am repelled by the word faith but perhaps another word for this concept is wonder#i dont think theres a Savior who can absolve us of Sin or whatever. i do believe in the polar powers of kindness & hatred#what am i even talking about#is it less about turning to a prophetic savior figure and more about turning away from hopelessness.?#less about the power of some arbitrary higher being and more about connecting with the power that exists innately within ourselves#and each other#the willingness to recognize and let go of the needless burdens weighing us down#Without self punishment for conditions that exist outside of our control. this is where i won't budge & i guess separates my beliefs
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you can never please everybody. when you stand up for yourself, there will be people who think you’re overreacting or being a jerk. when you try your best to be kind to everyone you meet, there will be people who think you’re being fake or that you desperately want to be liked. you won’t ever be able to be the best version of yourself if you live for other people, because that ‘best version’ is entirely subjective and therefore impossible to embody. be your personal best, your personal favorite, and you’ll attract people who will see you that way as well.
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Chat I think my treatment might be working
#logging for later even as i feel my stomach sink from even acknowledging the prospect of getting a little better#isnt that interesting?#txt
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#mad abt how much this man influenced my gender in high school#i listened to so much sufjan stevens in high school im suf'd out for life
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Did you seriously just allow the seed of cruelty to sprout
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Bothersome beast, comforting friend
#oh mah gaud... what if duke is trying to comfort me when he mushes me#i akways assumed it was just for him bc hes. yknow. a cat#what if he does care me....whoa#cats#duke
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Sad
#yeadh thts about it. see ya [critikal voice]#feelinf like I royally fucked my last relationship onnthis fine evening#i suppose it was mutual#i tried#and he tried#i guess#but it sdidnt work#so spectacularly didnt work#in the end#we helped eqch other at crucial moments which ill a#always be grateful for i guess#but also ouch ouch ouch ouch owww ow wouch#fuck jjjj#txt#vent
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actually at the end of my fucking rope because I don't think ketamine working either
#it worked before but its not working now what the fuck is happening#ive been counting on this to fucking do something but its just! more of the same!!!!#god i am not well#fuck#txt#vent
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The Lord of The Rings: The Return of The King, J.R.R Tolkien
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To heal the wound you first have to stop touching it.
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having a freeze response to stress is so funny in the context of normal adult stressors. millions of years of evolution are trying to tell me that the email will not find me if i stay very still and do nothing
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sorry for being weird and evasive. i was raised to believe that having wants and needs was a moral failing
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