#remember when I said I wasn’t gonna post anymore cuz I’m feeling negative

[cringefaildiaz]

The thing is. It’s not that I don’t think they’re gonna make buddie canon. It’s just that I’m really disappointed if this is the lead up to it.

[cutie1365]

God i need to fucking rant about this bitch. How do I always get stuck with the shittiest fucking roommates man.

I’m tired of two faced bitches who say one thing to you and turn around and do the complete opposite.

Why can logic and common sense not get through to this bitch????

First her mother destroys my furniture by fucking spray painting it! Spray paint! Without my knowledge or permission! These fucking back woods idiots who wouldn’t know their head from their ass.

They moved all my boxes and furniture without me knowing and left shit everywhere and somehow my shit ended up in their car six hours away and if I wasn’t on my shit they would have stolen it and I would have never gotten it back.

All my furniture was damaged from them throwing it about and leaving it in the hot sun outside. My TV was laying in the yard for an hour unwatched in 100 degree heat. How it wasn’t stolen is beside me.

Then this bitch thinks it’s smart to have a 145lb dog and leave us to watch it while she works 12 hour shifts. We’re not ur fucking babysitter.

And when we tell her it’s not our responsibility to watch her dog SHE HAS THE AUDACITY TO YELL AT ME. Talking bout how we knew she had a dog. Yeah bitch YOU have a dog, not me. Not my other roommates. Your fucking dog. Not our job to babysit and let it out to piss and see what’s wrong when she’s crying locked in her shoe box room.

She agreed to wipe the dogs paws when she brings her in from outside so we don’t track the dirt into the house. Before we moved in we discussed this. She said YEAH NO PROBLEM. Then when she never once did it- we said what happened to that huh we talked about that. She says “Why would I do that? It’s a dog we’re gonna get dirt inside”. Bitch I know you live in a fucking pigsty in the middle of butt fuck no where but here we don’t want to be stepping in mug and grass in our fucking living room.

She said she’d sweep up after the dog a few times a week because she SHEDSSS like crazy. Yeah she’s never once swept and when we brought that up she says “we’re not gonna have a spotless house what do u expect”. Bitch the other three of us are cleaning up after ur ass all the time. You may be used to living in filth because you’ve never cleaned anything a day in your life, but we like to not collect a pile of dog hair on our feet just from walking from one end of the living room to the other.

So she yells, and I don’t take shit so I yell back. Bottom line, take care of your own dog we’re not doing it for you.

She’s also killing the poor dog. She’s locked up without peeing for 12 hours a day, gets no exercise. She never talks her. Then when she comes home she lets her out then goes into her room and falls asleep so the dog basically is in the tiny room 24 hours a day with no exercise. She’s a fucking Great Dane. The room is so small she can only lay on the bed all day.

And she feeds her 20 count Chickfila Chicken nuggets. That’s so bad! And this is a regular thing. Not like a treat every once and a while. Human food all the time. The dog won’t eat her dry food anymore. She’ll just dump whatever’s in the fridge into the bowl. I once saw her feed the dog tortilla soup. TORTILLA SOUP.

Here’s the fucking kicker- SHES TRYING TO BE A VET. This woman is killing her own dog and she thinks she can go take care of others.

She also has the vocabulary and reading comprehension skills of a 2nd grader and you think you can survive higher education. She thinks she’s fucking god and shits on people in liberal arts colleges or other degrees besides hers, yet she can’t write a two page paper.

She needs to realize she has 3 other roommates. We talked about keeping the common space free of clutter and personal items so that everyone can use it and it stays clean. She agreed. Then she put a huge fucking dog bed in the living room after we explicitly said were putting a big plant here. (The dog has never sat in it because it’s locked in the room all day). And so when my roommates propose a compromise of leaving the bed in her room and taking it out when she’s sitting out in the living room she said “no, I’m not budging). You fucking cunt. She’s doing it just to pisss me off I swear. It has never been used, it is a waste of space, we are putting something else in that spot, it’s ugly, and it SMELLS.

HER WHOLE ROOM SMELLS SO BAD THAT IT LINGERS INTO HALF THE LIVING ROOM. And her room is right by the front door so it hits u right when u walk in. I swear I think that dogs peeing in her room. You’d think someone died in there.

The dog vomits and has diarrhea alll the time cuz she feeds her shit. That poor dog is gonna die because she’s neglecting her.

AND THEN

AND THEN

The day after this conversation of “you haven’t followed thru on any of the things we agreed on before and the dog is ur responsibility not ours, we’re not taking care of it for you”.... SHE BLOCKS ME ON TWITTER.

My other roommate wakes me up to show me she turned her twitter private and kicked me off then posted some big rant and said “Friendly reminder that NO ONE has the right to not treat you with kindness. You are loved, appreciated, and deserve to be here as much as anyone else. In the midst of this pandemic, cut out those who provide anything other than support and positive energy”.

What fucking baffles me is that my other two roommates were by my side and we all said the same thing so why she’s singling me out is beside me. And how can us saying “we’re worried for the health of ur pet because she’s locking in a room all day and needs to pee” is negative energy. Kill ur fucking dog for all we care then bitch, we brought up our concern now it’s on you.

It’s been a fucking month. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.

And she’s one of those people who has family money then turns around and says she’s poor and her family’s poor and she had to help buy them groceries this summer. Then turn around and buy a $2,000 ring for fun. She has small town money where they have those ugly checkered Louis vutton bags and she wants gucci boots, but then she’s like idk I don’t have money for groceries I can’t contribute.

And I know in the end everything will work out. Because she’ll go right back to living in that small as town and never leave. But dear lord please don’t let her be a vet. Spare those poor animals. It’s not their fault she’s a brainless fuckup.

And like if she was just dumb, fine. She can’t help that. But then she wants to turn it around and act like she’s a fucking genius and everyone is below her.

AND I FOUND OUT SHE VOTED FOR TRUMPPPPP.

Kill me. Just kill me.

I guess I’ll update y’all cuz I’m sure she’ll do more dumb shit soon and I need to rant because it physically PAINS me how angry I get. Like a knot in my chest how she can’t see logic or common sense.

OO and after her mom painted my furniture... because they had damaged it and instead of telling me and offering to help fix it. They took it out of my room and spray painted it (the wrong color and just let it drip if anyone knows how to properly use spray paint). So I told her hey just letting u know that really upset me, I know it was ur mom and not you and you probably didn’t know it happened, but I’m mad and it will take me a few days to get over it. Just so she’s not like Oo why is she mad at me why’s she not talking to me. And she was like I completely understand my mom feels really bad I’m so sorry I didn’t know she did that. Ok we’re all good go about our days.

THEN I find out from my other roommate that she had talked to her and was like Idk why she’s mad, I’m mad that she’s mad. BITCH. What if I took ur furniture out of ur room and decided to spray paint some random lines on it in a different color. I had to sand and repaint it (with fucking paint not spray paint because why the fuck would u do that).

I’m bout to catch a charge lol I get so headed just remembering it.

So yeah if y’all wanna give me some validation that I’m not crazy and this isn’t normal behavior please do, I’m spiraling.

This was a long ass rant but this is my life.

Any witches out there wanna manifest her coming to her senses or moving out and still paying her rent lol that would be great.

Karma honey, nows ur time to shine. Take care of it

[whomstism]

George rambles a little bit about a job interview he had, RV Life, The Gorilla glue girl and now the Gorilla glue solo cup guy, and the 117 year old lady that survived covid ---------------------------------- --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/the-whomst/support

_________

(Rough unedited Transcript of The Whomst Podcast Episode 129 )

Hey what's up everybody welcome to the homes podcast episode 129 I randomly checked a hundred episodes ago around like 28 to 29 and I don't know why I checked on soundcloud but I did just to see if like anybody listening see if I missed some like comments or whatever but uh, I got a few more more listened than I expected cuz I don't promote. 

A soundcloud at all and back when I was using soundcloud it just was not it was not what's up because I can only upload like four episodes so like the the earliest episode I post say if I post some like six seven eight, nine, I'll have to delete six so I can upload eleven, you know what I mean, cuz I cuz the only give you like a certain I think is like two hours of free free hours or something like that three minutes and I'll use it up in like four episodes or three episode five. 

Talked a lot in one especially in this case. I did episode like episode 27 to 28 with Jason fifi a friend of mine from in fellow comedian from our Alabama and we were we talked for like an hour and a half something like that so that took up like all my space so but that was like the last episode that I uploaded on soundcloud before I realized. 

Because the only way they'll give me more time more spaces if I paid for it and you know what? I'm not paying I'm not paying to talk to myself I'm not that damn crazy right like yeah spend money to make money but it's out of cloud come on good good thing I didn't good thing I am cheap and I kept looking around because I I wouldn't have found my current host would you probably hurt the uh the ad from the beginning of the episode the anchor that anchored out FM, that's basically where I use and now a lot of people use see. 

I thought that's kind of thought I kind of ran into something new like a year ago, but every time I ask people who started up a new pipe. Guess and I try to recommend them the anchor host they already know about it and look yeah, look, okay. I guess I'm not as unique as I thought oh shit. 

But man check the shit out, um, but yeah you already know who's podcast if you knew TLD are basically what to show is it's just me George Collins. I'm a comedian. I just talk about the news talk about what's what's going on that's kind of just do whatever like but uh you already know this episode and all episodes is brought to you by ugly drinks calm that is a the drink of choice for this show ugly drinks calm, they just actually rebooted a flavor great flavor they try to. 

Tease it on Twitter. I kind of guessed that shit quick as hell, but great flavor great flavored sparkling water, so I guess recommended TI if you don't like grape some some weird reason try out peach peach or. Yeah, I recommend peach flavor just try that so ugly drinks.com let's just jump into it, um this week before we get into the news, hey I finally got I actually got two interviews this week. 

I'm trying to get trying to get a second job because you know, I can't really save with my current money that make up I make pretty decent but it's not. I can't save because of me. I'm I spend money on bullshit all the time and I can't stop it, it's a drug yeah. 

I boss you on Amazon I post made a lot of stuff because I don't like cooking. I think I told you I like the ratio of how long it takes me to cook and how long it eats depends on if I actually cook it so yeah, so in the buying a lot of post makes because that's shit and, I mean, yeah, it's my own fault, that's all that is I need to fix it, but what can you do huh what can you get all right but? 

Okay because I did the research right and I don't remember if I told you I'd not but I actually got in contact with some of the some of the gets crushed words with some of the RV sellers here in Vegas and they hit me up and you know, how car salesman this is like they just trying to like make a sale and they'll tell you anything and I told them I had bad credit and shit like that and I mean, you know, yeah, we see what works out and then as he was telling me that I remember when I'm trying to get a car backing out. 

Obama and I'll just try to get my own car again after my ex wrecked my other one. Basically they'll they'll tell you hey yeah we try to work something out but in reality yeah, they'll sell you car but they'll like deposit or be like double sometimes triple so I'll like oh fuck last time I looked at RV and like a dealership they wanted like fifteen twenty thousand like before they even checked your credit so it's like I could just imagine what exactly they wanted. 

I might be exaggerating a little bit it might actually been like ten thousand but it's still in the thousands it's a thousand. Couple thousand dollars deposit, it's like a it's like a fucking house it is house it is a house. So I can just imagine they look at my credit and they're like yeah, it'll actually be like $25,000 down some shit like this so I'm like they kept trying to call me which that's that's cool and all but I'm like, I know I'm not gonna be able to get whatever is no no way yeah, you're gonna be nice enough to let me get something down, let me put a little bit lower down. 

Sort I can get it there then there going by the book instead of going by then they're they're not gonna take a chance you feel me like cuz it's not because the rent the quote unquote rent of the RV I can handle no problem that's that's not a problem at all especially because me doing a math my current rent and my car is will be about a thousand dollars so I can handle an RV which is gonna be a little bit lower than that actually so I can actually handle. 

Because if I got the RV to actually help me out I'm gonna get rid of the car I'm gonna get rid of the car. I'm a I'm not gonna be I'm gonna be staying in this place no more so I can handle whatever payments I have to make for RV so whatever extra money yeah, I'll be saving up I can use for whatever maintenance for an RV but since it'll be like a semi new one. 

I won't have to worry about maintenance or anything like that. I can actually focus on like the things that I need for like to keep it keep it going, you know, I don't know. I don't know it for sure because I haven't. Tad an RV myself but I know you had that like licenses and it might be something here something different than the last time. 

I looked it up in Bama might be some like parking laws or whatever in Vegas. I don't know. I haven't looked all that up. I'm probably should but at the same time like, I don't I don't I'm I don't I don't have the money for it, so what's the plan me looking up if I don't even have one you know what I mean? 

I don't know me being semi negative but yeah I said that because I had got that the second job second when I didn't get it yet, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get it my experience if they don't they don't pick me. I don't know why maybe because you know, you know what's funny about that because the interview it'll just place called I'm not gonna no, you know it fuck it, it's not fucking say it. 

I don't know what crazy motherfucker listen to this all right, but it was basically they don't want to be called a temp service but they're a temp service and it's they are they basically trying to hire someone for janitor work and I've had plenty of that is whatever and. 

They they try to be like we're done we're we're new we're a new modern day interviewer so we don't do all that old school stuff so one of the things they had me do on top of the application which was weird because they asked me for an interview then did an application that's backwards but a part of application was a survey for like, hey, we're gonna see what type of personality you have so it'll be like three questions and each questions be like a one example would be how do you? 

View yourself and underneath the question to be like a literally a hundred words that you can click multiple words, of course. Click it as many words you want to describe yourself. I kind of. I you I wanted to make a joke about it if I wasn't so serious about getting this position I would have been joking and just like it's either I would have picked just one word out of a hundred words that they gave me who just picked one to describe me or pick all of them just like picked every single one of them just to like fuck around you know, I thought that I don't know but that's it. 

I thought that that was that's like a new thing and then when she was interviewing me, right she was like, One thing that kind of caught my eye which is kind of funny she made it very clear like yeah, we're gonna we can't ask you if you have a criminal record bud if we run one well something pop up like right now and this is like okay, can you do you think you'll be able to pass a drug test well we also senses legal here we it we don't test for marijuana she like made this super clear as if. 

A lot of people did they got they tried to get the position had that issue so they was like who didn't get rid of it or? Or they you know, what kind of makes makes it kind of clear because a lot of people when I first moved here was like, oh they do a drug test but they don't test from marijuana but I'm but you know what I never tested it. 

I never wanted to be in that situation, you know what I mean, like just in case what it would have these mother could just lie, huh? And you get caught and I got marijuana and my system and I just like go take a drug test now. I'm in trouble and I don't have a job anymore because I took marijuana because I had marijuana in my system what I'm gonna argue with them like oh I thought it was legal but like I don't know I stomped I still kind of scary about this so I'll try to like not do it just in case yeah, you never know like who am I? 

I don't have money for lawyers. I can't fight this shit fuck that so no, I'm not taking that chance but she made very clear maybe it was a test. I'm not testing that she angled. Me you're not gonna trick me into failing the drug test plus, um, one thing I'm kind of glad they didn't do it's like hey dress because at the second interview I got the one I didn't go to it was a different position. 

I actually forget what it was no we was working for it was one of those people that works that runs the little cart at the airport and like put it in and out whatever one I didn't I didn't pick that one because it was like nine bucks an hour and like the reviews. 

I've heard that's on ND because You do like reviews of jobs and some other well a good amount of reviews were saying like, oh it's is really hard work and she like that. I'm like nah I'm done and I could look I don't look I'll work hard. I don't mind working hard but at this point how long I've been working in manual labor. 

I I'm not getting paid nine dollars an hour to do manual labor again, all right, you have to pay more than so I kind of left out alone plus on top of that airport job. I mean, I could have moved up but who I ain't got time for this shit. 

Deals like a come to the interview and in business casual and I they never. I could never really understand it like for like certain jobs like like says say if I try to get hired for Walmart when I was younger and like my my sister is on my mom or something like that was me like you have to dress up you have to dress for the interview so like that which didn't make sense because I was I was just becoming like a janitor or like a car pusher like why am I coming in like a half a suit for like that doesn't make no goddamn sense like a dress for the job you want like I'm going to be a carp pressure like I'm coming in jeans and a t-shirt. 

I'm. Come with a smile on my face that's about the only professional thing that I'm gonna put on on purpose, all right Christ, that's that's by anyway, that's what the janitor job the actual interview actually went to. They didn't do that they I just kind of came in the the the clothes that I were to work basically just like these black g black pans and like a black t-shirt my jacket. 

I didn't like look overly hood or anything like that. I don't think I could even if I tried but. But they I if I don't get a job. I don't know. I'm kind of rambling whatever anyway. Well, okay the only reason why I brought that up is because they could have FaceTime me because I went if you know the layout of Vegas, I live on the north side all the way on top right and the interview was all the way at the bottom like past the airport in on like Russell Road, so I'm like, That was like a solid 30-35 minute drive just on my raggedy ass the reggae is jeep just for like a five-minute interview just for them for them to say hey yeah, we just wanted to see your face and see if you come on time and then they gave me the actual application like I said, I gave it to me after the interview and then said we'll hit you up in a few weeks. 

This is a waste of fucking time man all day damn gas plus like look. I don't know it's because maybe because I haven't been driving long distances in a long time, but driving on the highway in Vegas kind of like. Kind of kind of freaks me out sometimes man and I look I just try to rest stay away from them just I just stay on the land stay on the streets these people can drive a drive all extra aggressive and shit only I ain't got time for that. 

I'll be trying to chill. I mean, I maybe you know what maybe the dumb driving all crazy or keep me like alert and because you know, I got the narcolepsy so I'm like, that's the one thing that kind of makes me kind of scary because I'm like driving straight for a long time kind of fucks for me, so maybe the shitty drivers. 

Shaking me awake actually helps maybe I should appreciate what I have. I don't know hope this thing is stop recording. Jesus Christ, oh my God, okay. I didn't. Oh shit all right in the news after 16 minutes of me wrangling okay, look yeah, I already know about the gorilla glue girl and a good news out of that stupidity she she uh, she got certain that surgery but basically we got some doctor that did it for free which is fucking cool as hell. 

Who basically created this like little mixture that broke down the the glue. And she got her hair back, so I mean not all of it, but like she got her hair back, so she's seen my back to normal which I'm kind of happy for for that but same time. 

Yeah, I'm look I'm repeating what other people say it like what the fuck like how to who why did you think that was good idea? Anyway but it was a good good ending to the story on top of she's not I'm pretty sure you saw like online where she was they were saying that she was going to sue the people who created gorilla glue which ended up just being there just another fucking internet lie doesn't rumor one from trying to get clips clicks. 

So at the end of the day, it's just stupid people got stupid prizes and they got a way out of it so that's that's cool like I said, I'm happy for but that's not the end of the story y'all that's at the end of the story, ah, there's a why what one thing why is it always the black folks brah these motherfuckers are like throwing us back further and further every time make some steps it's always some motherfuckers there is you know, it's not even just black people it's just people in general just fuck. 

Ing us up every time we make a step in in a good path somebody always try to do something that are like. Basically give aliens a reason why not the ever communicate with us we're too damn stupid as you can hear me talking um, but no man okay, yes another gorilla group glue is situation this guy I think is from Louisiana, okay, just listen to this clip man. 

Louisiana guy thought that she was that the outcome look. I'm not even remember these people name but this guy from Louisiana made a video. I guess he's a rapper or whatever. He basically thought that the gorilla will girl. Was making it up that it was all for clout like gorilla glue isn't that strong so he so what he did fucking IQ of a thousand what he did was uh, took a bottle gorilla glue. 

Put it on a party cup one of those red solo cups and put it to his lips and he pretty sure you can guess you want to take a guess what happened yeah you're you're right he's in the hospital foot shit he's in the hospital for gluing red solo club cup to his lips and he got it how how some of the articles saying it they saying that he got his whole lip removed. 

I doubt it. I'm pretty sure the surgeon just like cut the surface. That that was actually glued on that's it because anything else seems excessive. I'm not a doctor who knows. To buy it there's a funny thing is like listen to this clip don't show you right and I'll show you but listen to because he basically goes on the news and interviews one of the wonderful things like Fox 6 is I'm sure like that. 

Basically what happened in his mindset and all that stuff is just overly stupid just listen.

you know, all right so the funniest thing about the whole thing is is I love how he he wants to like, oh I'm gonna be careful about like making sure my lips aren't exposed to like this virus and it's an open cut and all this nonsense right but this the motherfucker that put glue on them in the first place like come on like, Look okay let's play devil's advocate for a minute okay, let's say I understand his point of I want to I want to prove that she was doing this all for cloud is all for faking she like there so I wanted to have a real video critical real video of glue actually touching skin, it's not that strong right flow, right? 

Why lips why the lips bro you you had any other place on any other non-incentral places on your body it could have tested it on like your arm yeah your fingers you could be doing arts and crafts, you know, how the glue gets on your fingers like you can test it at that way anywhere else anywhere else does not important like he might he might as well hes squeeze squeeze a little bit and it's nostrils and close them all fuckers up like as well, so we go in important parts up let's let's glue my glue my These I can't talk. 

Let's glue my lips together. Jesus Christ. I'm surprising to do that now plus you know, what what we know is stupid is he didn't he said he we wanted to see if it was real what you're doing real. He could have just he didn't do it on his hair like I figured what he looks like. 

I'm now but uh, he could have tested it Harry at least that's stupidity is comparable at least it has a theme like oh I was I was trying to prove that the her superglue thing wasn't real so I put it in my hair or in my beard so I'm like that at least. 

At least he got that at least you still stupid you still stupid as hell but at least I understand unless you did test on the exact same thing she did you know, but now let's let's put a put this glue a cup to my lip now. I can't use my lips. 

I have to have a mask on the cover of my lips, he pie it only like the where the mask cuz he wasn't wearing it properly in in the video. He was still had he still had his nose out so he was just he just had to mask on the cover his fucking glued on lips, that's that's about it so. 

It's I mean, I guess that one has a semi happy ending he. I mean, he's not so much embarrassed that he didn't he he's going on TV the interview people know his name. Like you doing this for for cloud like it's not working bro, like no one's gonna buy your wrap album yeah, you're mix tapes, oh yeah if people do buy it's really fun novelty just like oh yeah, this is the dude who this is the rapper they glued his fucking lip to a red cuts red solo cup like that's about it. 

I would buy it. I mean, you got that I guess. 

So the sister survived covet, she's 117 years old look me personally. Look if I was 117 and I finally got covered but I will be ecstatic just like fuck finally getting the fuck out of here like god damn and then it don't happen. I'll be pissed because uh, I don't know if you heard it but she's she's blind and on the video she's looks like sitting in a chair obviously she can talk since they interviewed her. 

I mean did like I said, it's just me personally like I can't live that long. I just can't like it's it's been 29 almost 29 years and I'm done with it already, so I'll just imagine. Fuck that's like was 80 almost 90 more years yeah fuck that man. I'm sorry like just in me. 

I like I think I've said it before it's like when I get old enough to where like if something unfortunate happened it happens to me to where I like because I don't mind being old and I could take care of myself just fine yeah if I have the money to take care of my myself and I'm like comfortable that's cool. 

I'm not saying just like being old fuck that no I'm saying is um, If I something happened to you where I can't take care of myself and I just need like let's say if I have kids like my my son on my daughter to take care of me or or if I had the money to to do it have like some like nurse. 

Come to my house and have to do everything for me then fuck that just this like punch me in the soft spot in my brain like just uppercut me into heaven like god damn it, like I know I can't I can't do that man cuz um, I remember when I broke my leg and I don't know just them having it happen to help me get up to go to the bathroom it's just the masculine and even though it's not it's the it's the job and some of them don't complain about it it's cool they they happy to help people and it's people like that that's that's great but don't don't help me the only way to help me is get one of those like miniature novelty bats. 

Crack me across the skull. I write a note so you don't get in trouble fuck that's why I was thinking. I had a random thought earlier this week on Twitter saying, uh, okay, you know how you have like an argument not? I know I don't know if you've done a done before but you've seen it or you heard about it to do this again to an argument and at a bar and one of them gets one of them shoots the other one and. 

Sometimes you'll see the videos on like world started like oh you got a gun shoot me dead shoot me dead and what if its like if that person does shoot them can they is there a loophole in the system? That says, oh says he's especially got video of it like this dude acts for it he asked for you to shoot him is there a loophole in the system that says oh yeah, well you you was just doing this man a service is there something out there like that could add a little yeah that'll take a lot of like a lot of stress out that will take a lot of these people who. 

Try to use that as to to make themselves look tougher like that you need in brah like they'll really think twice about saying whatever they say in an argument like but yeah back to cracking me against the head with a bat. I mean if she's cool, she's happy doing that, but like like she said what she's scared, she's like no. 

And that's why I think like she does talk she just done now she just kind of just waiting you she don't even watch TV she like listening it's like what the fuck do you do you just she's a nun does she just pray all day. I'm kind of fucking around a little bit but like what does she do all day it's like how do you stay sane? 

Is the is the thought of of God or whatever she believes in and follows is that so calming that you're fine with living this life how long has she been blind that's that's why I want to look up to. Because whatever keeps her saying on a daily. I I want somebody because I can see I can walk I can take care of myself and I am depressed. 

Then and that's that's why that's the one thing I don't like the back like when I was a teenager because I'm an atheist so I'm more of a gnostic now because I don't argue with people about it. I understand why people need things like back when our teenager. I'll argue with people about like the afterlife of God notice stuff, but now I kind of I understand why people need it and, I'm kind of jealous. 

I kind of how my brain works. I just cannot. Cannot do the whole religion and spirituality spiritual spirituality and saying that word it stuff like that. I just can't do it, so that's why I'm not but I'm jealous for people who can who looks into a book and can be happy. 

A book and just just have hope and be happy for the rest of their life just doing whatever because they have this this figure in the sky looking out for them quote unquote looking out for them. I'm jealous for that so if that's. Was keeping this lady alive and being fine with the fact that you can't do shit for real. 

Then. Is on owner like. That's good that's cool. I guess I don't really have nothing funny to say about it, it's just like I am I'm gonna I'm a little bit jealous of people who just if that actually is the reason that's keeping her alive and keeping her saying then and yeah, that's that's that's what's up but um, 

Not me though give me into about 60 and I can it and it takes me like three times as much strength to get up out my seat nope ended please game over well when I fart and I and I fucking pissed myself nah don't hit in this shit. I never oh I didn't want to end it on a dark note but like down but I look I'm happy that she's survived she's a second old second oldest person ever in the world, I guess. 

I've been looking for number one is. That's that's not a good existence. I wonder what their diets are like what how did what did you eat on for all your life to survive that long sometimes like I was arguing with people not arguing but we just have enough conversation on the clubhouse. 

About death because this dude came in like super fucking woke, you know, those dudes who have like a three dreads but they call it locks now yeah he had three locks and so he's like super spiritual and shit like you start talking about like playing the garden and shit he's like asking us do we plant gardens like obviously a fucking don't come on now? 

I don't I don't garden it's the same way. I don't like cooking it's like I'm not fucking waiting. Two and a half weeks to eat one tomato wait, obviously if you keep doing it you do it do it properly yeah. I know but like still I'm not it's just takes too fucking long but so I appreciate the moderate modern day way of us eating shit yeah, it's not great for us but like who the fuck cares like? 

Haha look at stuff it's just. You don't matter if you eat well you're still gonna die and it was like saying those same delves truck that that was being negative. Because like I don't know because I because I accept death that's that's I don't know people just don't understand me. 

Let me see hold on what the fuck? Oh well, basically I'll just say and tell them I'm like it don't matter if you eat well like yeah, oh add maybe 20 years to your life but do it do it really really matter especially when you're 60 if I die at 60, sometimes it don't matter you like you eat all the well your exercise every day you take care of yourself you take your vitamins and you'll still die of stroke at 32 like sometimes you get unlucky and like you can't. 

Just blame food it's not always food it just sometimes, you get luck unlucky it's like I had I had a stroke during the fucking pneumonia. I was fine. I was working fine that week before and then I went to sleep woke up fucking body hurts so like the shit happens all right and I'm actually I'm actually taking care of myself. 

I only started only start eating like shit and again because I was in quarantine for so goddamn long and I couldn't do shit. I just got bored so I just went back to what I was doing but before that I was taking care of myself, so. Explain that damn. 

I don't know I'm gonna leave it at that. I've been talking for too long. I talk to you later thanks for listening episode 129 now see ya next week thanks for listening, um shit just I got the links on the Instagram and the bio is you can buy merch you can all borrow that good stuff follow me on Instagram at regular as George shared a show share the show. 

I appreciate y'all love y'all peace.

[skzhabibi]

An Old Crush (A Long, Bittersweet Personal Storytime/Rant)

When I was in Junior High, I had really, REALLY low self esteem. I was still very much in the awkward phase of puberty and all of those hormones paired with the fact I was having lots of problems at home resulted in some pretty severe mental health issues (which I won’t get too much into, because I don’t wanna trigger anyone). Not only that, but I’m naturally pretty sensitive, so any negative comments people had made about my appearance in the past, whether they were trash talking my hand-me-down clothes, pale ass skin, acne, big nose, etc., it really stuck with me. I was a mess, basically. And I’m part Arab on my mom’s side, so seeing a psychiatrist was never really an option.

Anyways, I was 13 or 14 (8th grade) when I took my 1st Spanish class. This had a bunch of the more “popular” kids in it, because they were trying to get the credit out of the way before High School and there were only 2 teachers who taught Spanish at my school, so it was bound to happen. There was a popular boy in my class, called T for the sake of the story, who sat a seat in front and to the left. I don’t know how we first started talking, but it was probably because of many factors. I laughed at his jokes, he sat near me in Spanish and English which we had right after, I was pretty solid academically at the time and he wasn’t, we had a couple mutual friends/acquaintances, etc... I guess it’s also good to mention he was known for his good looks and the fact he was A-string quarterback on our shitty little football team while I was kind of a social floater; a decent amount of people knew of me, but not many people actually knew me well, if at all.

I didn’t really pay him any mind in a romantic way at first, to be honest. I just thought he was reasonably attractive, but I figured he’d think himself “too cool” to be associated with me since that’s the vibe a lot of the other popular boys in the class had given me if I ever tried making friends with them. People really just gave me the cold shoulder in general, which hurt my feelings, so I wasn’t gonna risk it anymore. But what really made that first little crush for him start was when one day as I was rushing to get out the door first after the bell rang (which I always did because I’m impatient as fUCK and hate that huge ass crowd you had to shove through or come out last), he rushed forward, squeezing through the door around the other jocks and practically pushing them out of the way, to catch up to me and ask me to walk to English together. As an inexperienced little simp, that shit really looked like something out of a movie. It gave me such a needed boost of confidence that I actually started beaming, which was REALLY out of character for me (I’ve always been known for my “resting bitch face”).

So this became such a regular thing, walking to English, that we actually began waiting for each other by our desks to pack our stuff up, and we were usually around the last 2 to leave the room. At some point I finally plucked up the courage to ask him for his number, which was TERRIFYING because I’d never done anything like that. I think I made some excuse that since we had 2 classes together if we forgot about the homework we could remind each other (holy shit I was such a nerd). We texted a few times, but it never got super deep that I remember. I never really initiated the conversations because I didn’t want to make it seem like I liked him even though at this point I REALLY did; I even told a couple of my friends, which I didn’t normally do either. I was always someone to bottle up that shit and bury it so it never saw the light of day because I was so fucking afraid of rejection (Fragile Ass Self Esteem wants to know your location).

I literally thought that I was unlikeable in every sense of the word, so a bunch of the signs that he liked me back at the time never dawned on me. He could’ve literally screamed in my face that he liked me and I’d probably be like “As a Friend, right???”

I guess I’ll just take this moment to tell you about a bunch of the things that should’ve bee HUGE ASS signs he liked me:

1.) This girl on the volleyball team at our table in English that T knew would make passes about how he was really sought-after by a shit ton of girls and then look at me. He also looked at me afterwards like he was shy but gauging my reaction. She had a sort of Jade from Victorious vibe to her so I figured she saw through me and was trying to embarrass me by getting a reaction, so I kept my face straight.

2.) He would compliment me more than anyone else I spoke to (which was uhhhh never. I never got complimented.) For example: He was always calling me smart or a “try hard” to joke with me. I took it as an expression of friendly jealousy. When I curled my hair one day he noticed and literally said, “Can we all take a moment to appreciate (my name)’s hair?” It made me blush so hard, but I thought he was making fun of me. He would also insist on reading my shit or me reading his when the English teacher made us peer review/journal check and would compliment the work I did or my handwriting or how organized it looked. Living that emotionally stunted Y/N life.

3.) The Spanish teacher made us partner up any time there was group work, and she moved his seat to right next to mine every routine seat change. I was gullible as shit thinking that that was coincidental when he had other friends in class. I figured it was cuz I was good and he sucked at Spanish lmaooo. I’ve since read posts on reddit where teachers have confirmed that they can tell when kids have crushes on each other and they’ll play wingman/woman. When I read that I was like WAIT A DAMN MINUTE. Mrs. G was a real one and I was so fucking oblivious to it.

4.) Another girl on the volleyball team asked if he and I were dating. I was taken aback and said no, we weren’t (conveniently leaving out the “I wish”) and asked why she would think that. The reason she gave was that since people saw us walk together between classes, a lot of people figured we were together. I chalked it up to stupid gossip that had no roots in anything he said, so I laughed it off to keep from getting my hopes up.

5.) A similar thing happened AGAIN with a guy who was also on the football team. When he learned my name, he was like, “Wait, (my first and last)?” And I was like yeah wtf how did you know my last without me telling you? And he’s straight up like, “Oh, you’re the girl T has a thing for.” AND I WAS SO FUCKING BLIND OMFG I was just like well he’s never told me he likes me so even though multiple people at this point have said something I think that is completely baseless fake news.

6.) One of the MOST telling signs: he would always say hi to me outside of classes when I was alone. He found me outside my locker one day and started talking to me. The coaches would make the kids on sports teams run back to locker room, and one day he was doing that when he saw me at my locker (which was right by the sport locker rooms since I was in girls’ athletics). His teammates would glance at me while they ran by, and he told me to wait for him while he changed so we could walk to Spanish (1st period) together. Ngl, this really sealed the nail in the coffin for my huge ass crush on this kid. I was taken aback because I thought our friendship was just for convenience and he didn’t actually see me as a real friend he would be seen outside of class with. But in the end I still psyched myself out by saying I was just something to entertain him.

7.) One time in the library, I was working on printing out some paper. An annoying ass kid who was overly friendly and rode the bus with me was talking to me a lot, and I was pretty clearly not interested in my mind at least. T walked in for some reason and smiled and said “Hey, (my name)” pretty loudly. I wasn’t expecting to see him, so I was just like “Oh, hey, T,” because I lack social skills. He glanced at the kid and back at me and his face kinda dropped before he kept walking. I think the kid asked me to hang out with him and our mutual friend and I was basically like no thanks man I’m kinda busy.

8.) Other times he would do this as well. One time my girl friend and I were sitting across from each other at a lunch table in the morning after getting off the bus. Out of LITERALLY NOWHERE he just swoops in and sits next to my friend across from me and starts talking to me about some project in Spanish he finished, showing me excitedly what he wrote and asking if it was right. He pretty much ignored my friend, and she was hella socially anxious and knew about my crush on him so she kinda got huge eyes and shut down socially. He and I talked for a bit before it got awkward because we ran out of shit to say and it was awkward now that we had an extra person and we pretty much only talked to each other without anyone else in the conversation. He left after that and my friend and I freaked tf out.

9.) One time while I was waiting for the bus in the cafeteria after school, I was alone because my friends were taking too long. I was on my phone when he comes up and starts talking to me. I was hella fucking awkward because for some reason I‘m always a fucking stiff around the person I like. Then my guy friend who rode the same bus came up and cock blocked the shit out of T because he’s super fucking loud and just starts fucking around. He and I are super close even to this day and I guess T got intimidated by how easily we were joking around and kinda saw himself out before I could say anything.

10.) THIS LIST IS GETTING TOO LONG SKDJDJASKDJDJ BUT I FUCKIN FORGOT whenever we would walk between classes we would sometimes not even talk. Like whenever the conversation died we would just kinda stare into each other’s eyes 😂 I thought I was just being creepy, but he fucking smiled at me when it happened why am I so dUmB fUUUCK. Also sometimes the popular kids would run up behind us and fuck with him like make fun of him or make some sort of awkward pass that I wouldn’t react to before running down the hall ahead of us. My guess now is that he was meaning to make a move but my neutral reaction to whatever dumbass thing they said made it impossible to tell if I felt the same so he chickened out.

ANYWAYS I think our little friendship/mutual pining fizzled our after one time he made a more up front attempt because at this point he was probably fed up with waiting for me to get the hint but this exchange really fucking backfired:

Basically he got a girlfriend, this girl on GUESS WHAT??! THE VOLLEYBALL TEAM. I heard about it straight from him while we’re walking to English together and that shit hurted but I was like whatever I still want him as a friend and this pretty much confirmed in my mind that he NEVER liked me. So basically he’s talking about how he’s been seeing her to pass the time but he doesn’t actually like her. And I was like why not? She’s really cool/nice and REALLY pretty. But if you don’t like her then why date her? Seems like a waste of time. He’s like yeah well basically she said she liked me so I asked her out but tbh I think she’s annoying. And I’m like what did she do something on a date that was annoying? STILL UTTERLY CLUELESS AND HES DEADASS LIKE what are you jealous like in a flirty way and my DUMB. ASS. Is like.... WHATTTT PSHHH NO I MEAN WE’RE JUST BROSSS AHAHA.

Can I get an F in the chat pls?

Basically we just stopped talking after a while. I think my friend texting his brother officially knifed the shit out of that ship’s sail. Years later I confessed that I liked him back then and asked if he liked me back back then so I could stop worrying about gaslighting myself and he’s basically like yeah I would’ve tried something with you (came across really unenthusiastic). And then one time in like my freshman year of community college I was with my bio study group in the library going to where we were meeting up for a project when I felt eyes on me from the computers and literally LOCKED EYES WITH HIM AND HES JUST LIKE 👁👄👁

LMAO I PRETENDED LIKE I DIDNT KNOW THAT BITCH

OH TO SEE WITHOUT MY EYES

1 like = 1 smash of your head against the wall at my fucking idiocy

[thattimdrakeguy]

Also because I’m pretty sure this dude’s talking about me.

I wish they’d freaking read my full posts.

Cuz they act like I don’t start a lot of posts by describing the name/costume change as “possible”, “apparent” or “presumed” or which ever words I chose to use, because I’m obviously pretty aware it’s not 100% set in stone yet.

I’ve even said there’s a chance it’s a joke like how they have before.

--

With 3 covers out now of Tim wearing this seemingly new costume right around this apparent name change, and he seems to be on normal Earth in them, it just gets pretty suspicious. Almost like, because I personally don’t like that, that I’d talk negatively about it, because I feel like there’s a lot of flaws in just the decision of making this change.

Like my blog is about my opinion on Tim, Young Justice and Young Justice related news.

It’s not even like I ever said I was gonna stop buying the series over stuff that isn’t fully 100% confirmed yet (I’m saving that for if my fears on it come true) for that to be why they treat me like I’m overreacting, it’s obvious it hasn’t come out yet, it’s just my opinion on what we know so far. 

If you think that’s goofy in it’s own right, cool, just don’t follow me. 

I still write reviews when the full issues come out, and I’ve made it obvious my opinion is based on information I get, so it can and most likely will change based on stuff. It’s not like I’m even stubborn. If I keep my opinion, I usually give my logic on it. So if it’s just you don’t agree with it then leave me out of it. You don’t need to be condescending towards how I feel because we don’t agree.

Like I’m willing to still wait and find out, I just don’t like the possibility of Tim getting a name change, for reasons I’ve already gave the logic with. (So again, if this is just you and me not having the same opinion or logic, it’s still not cool)

Don’t act otherwise because I’m worrying a lot about something you’re not.

--

They also paraphrased me (or at least someone else) saying “there’s no set-up” negatively like I’m goofy now for this issue showing were the name’s potentially gonna come from, and why Tim’s gonna change it. 

But there’s still never been a set up that Tim ever been interested in changing his name, to just suddenly do that is contrived and random. If Tim just suddenly changes his name permanently because of something that happens in the next issue, that’s silly. He’s never been seen having a problem with it in any other issue. If they make it a problem out of no were, there wasn’t a set-up in his character history for that.

There’s an argument that cuz he’s a teen he just wants to change his name, because he liked it better, but when he’s had the name for so long with no problem, that’s still forced.

(They say people aren’t showing any self-awareness towards it but ... are they themselves? They’re just sort of ignoring stuff while mocking other people.)

They even brought up the possibility of this whole thing being a joke, but I even brought that up in one of my posts.

It’s like they didn’t read my posts all the way through, but they’re so close to quoting me that I just don’t know if they’re hoping people remember me saying that stuff but not the others so they don’t like me anymore or what.

Maybe that’s proof they aren’t talking about me, it’s just a coincidence. Who knows. Treating other opinions like their goofy for it’s rude regardless if it’s not even trying to discuss it, but just continuing to say your own opinion again with negative slaps towards the differing one.

They even describe me as a “certain people” if I remember right (if it is me I’m talking about, I don’t like to pretend I’m fully certain, the attitude in general bugs me tho, it’s not cool to be petty over a different opinion like that), like they don’t like me, or I’m the topic of infamy to them, but they don’t even pay attention to what I say all the time.

So do they just not like me because I have a differing opinion? Do they only remember the things that differed so that’s all they focused on? Id be weird if they didn’t pay attention to what I said all the time and they’re still willing to paraphrase me to be petty, but they don’t always seem to pay attention or like other opinions if they don’t follow a shared logic as them.

--

I don’t know if they wanted me to see it or not cuz they say they want to avoid drama, but they tagged some of these posts in the Tim Drake tag.

They also don’t seem to be aware I actually really loved Wonder Comics Young Justice till these past few issues just because I felt like they started dropping the ball, and they just ignore stuff about it, while occasionally paraphrasing me to make it seem like anyone who says stuff like me is wrong (or at least some sort of negative connotation).

I critique stuff. I find problems with ignoring story set-ups to do random stuff, and suddenly changing characters for stuff that’s potentially just going to be made up as it goes along.

If they bring the stores back, cool, but that’s not efficient story telling to go on a random tangent.

If that doesn’t bother you, cool, but don’t be rude about it if you have a problem with people not agreeing with you. (I can’t even confirm that they even are like that with everything, but as a precautionary measure)

I make posts on why things could be bad cuz I see a lot of bad signs in the way.

I’ve made it clear that if it don’t end up like how I thought I’ll change my opinion given new information, if anything if it ends closer to how I like, then I’ll be happy. Why wouldn’t I be glad if this name was a joke? I was even partially optimistic when this identity/costume changing started, it’s just the longer it goes on the more bad signs I see, if it’s something I care about, of course I’m gonna talk about it.

Stop borderline mocking me because ya don’t like me being worried for a comic I used to love, and how I’m not enjoying choices they make, just because you’re different than me.

We use a different sense of logic when we read the same things.

That’s not something to mock a person over. That’s just petty, because you don’t understand what they’re talking about, you’re rude about them.

--

Like if they just like the stuff gong on, I don’t freaking care. I don’t follow them, but leave me out of it if you aren’t going to pay attention to what I say all the way.

--

I’m not tagging them, because if I’m remembering right they made a point not to tag me, but still, they’re making it kind of obvious. They also made a point to say they want to avoid drama, but don’t borderline quote me in a negative way then, okay? I’m not trying to start drama or what ever, message me in the DMs if you like, I’d prefer that if you even wanna talk at all, but just, stop doing toxic stuff cuz you don’t like that I don’t share your sense of logic.

I don’t know if you’ve even done it all the time, but to do it at all isn’t cool.

I’m not sure if you thinking I have a differing opinion than you makes you think I’m out to get you, but I don’t follow your blog. I’ve even reblogged some things or at least liked posts you’ve made before that I’ve seen in the tags (I do recognize the icon), even when I didn’t agree with other stuff you’ve said before, I’m not out to get you in anyway.

Odds are, having a differing opinion is a coincidence. Like I’m not saying you are taking it personally (I do not know you), but in case it is, I feel the need to say that.

Even if they didn’t mean it to be me with the close-to-quotes, just someone who said similar stuff. They’re still being rude by treating them like they’re ridiculous for not agreeing, because they have a different sense of logic then what they use, even if they’re trying their best to make themselves seem nice about it.

Unless you’re going to have a cohesive argument that’s against all the points, it’s just rude to negatively talk about something so quote to quotes. It’s negative just to think another opinion at all is stupid, just based on the logic that you don’t share the same logic surrounding it.

--

Tim changing his identity permanently isn’t stuff people are making up to be mad about. It’s something people are seeing signs for and they’re worrying about it.

We’re not gonna be upset if it’s not what it seems.

Don’t vaguely try to act superior for thinking differently on it.

--

I get the feeling the reason they don’t like me (if it is me they don’t like), is because I don’t share the same opinions of them, and I make long in-depth posts about the logic I use as to why I don’t like some things.

I’m sorry if you don’t like it, but don’t be rude because I don’t agree.

I’m not even sure what’s going to come out of this. Maybe this was all a misunderstanding, maybe they were referring to someone else (in which case, still rude), maybe more than one person thinks I’m talking about them. Who knows.

They could delete the post, edit the post, message me, ignore me, block me, I don’t really know.

Just don’t be rude just because someone doesn’t agree with you.

Treating everyone else like their stupid doesn’t make you smarter.

[jchall110]

So ordinarily I would put something like this on my Twitter, as that’s kind of turned into my personal vent/diary platform as of recent, but this is going to be much longer than Twitter can allow, and I need to write this all out without losing my train of thought. It’s gonna go behind a Read More, and I’d like to request that you only read it if we’ve been mutuals for a while, and only if you really want to. I’m not expecting any response, hell I don’t want any responses, I just need to put my thoughts down somewhere, and if I put it in a Google doc or something I’m gonna come back to it later and dwell on it, but if I just put it somewhere and immediately delete it, I’m not going to be able to talk to my therapist about it on Monday. Anyway, content warnings abound, as I’m gonna be talking about depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicide, covid-19, stalking, emotional abuse, and a pretty negative experience I had in a partial hospitalization program at a local mental institute. You’ve been warned. (Also for those of you who are new here, “ignore me” is my personal rant/vent tag, feel free to blacklist it to avoid seeing future posts like this)

So. Here’s a brief recap of the past year and a half in my life. Back in October of 2018, my best friend went through a very bad breakup with her emotionally abusive ex, while another of my friends was struggling very much with his mental health and attempted suicide. I was miserable working at Target and was gearing up to return to school in the Spring. I had also had feelings for the friend who went through the breakup, and she sort of had feelings for me, but she also had feelings for the other friend, and I had some vague kind-of feelings for the other friend as well, so in December we all decided “fuck it, let’s all date.” I won’t recap the full details of the relationship but it was a goddamn shitshow. His mental heath continued to deteriorate and he wasn’t seeking treatment for any of it, her mental health was extremely poor as well as a result of two years of emotional abuse and extreme codependency issues, and my mental health suffered greatly because of the expectations placed on me, as well as his frequent mood shifts where he would go from wanting to spend the rest of our lives together to, at one point, telling me things in an effort to get me to hurt or kill myself. Not a good situation by any measure. School was good, though, and the two classes I took last Spring were excellent, and I was ready to go back to school full-time in the Fall. Flash forward to September of 2019. My mental health is terrible, though my academics are very strong. I decide, after a few specific incidents, that I can’t be in the relationship with the both of them anymore and break up with him. A lot of bad things happened. She ended up leaving him as well. Then, about a month later, she left me as well and moved out of the state with someone she had met on OKCupid only a few weeks prior. At this point I need to take a medical leave of absence from school and move back in with my parents because I’m so depressed and traumatized that I can barely function. You see, since breaking up with him, he had been harassing me, even after I had attempted to get the police involved. He would call me, text me, make new Facebook accounts to send me message requests, anything to try to get in touch with me. So with all of this happening, and with me basically unable to do anything, I decide to look into a partial hospitalization program at a mental institution not far from where I live. Insurance covered most of it, my parents said they’d pay for the rest, so I started the program in early November. Ordinarily it’s only a three or four week program. I was there for at least 5. It was essentially a day program, so I would be there from 9 to 3 every day Monday to Friday. It was a really great program, except for a few things. Firstly, because it was a program both for mental health and addiction, a lot of the programming wasn’t really applicable to me, as the only thing that I’m addicted to is sugar, and I have no plans to break that habit. There’s a history of temporary psychosis caused by mind-altering substances in my family, and I don’t want to even find out if it applies to me as well. I barely even drink. So anyway, I was one of maybe three people who was there exclusively for mental health, so my options for programming were a bit limited, until a bunch of us complained about the repetitiveness of that aspect of the program and they switched things up a bit. Unfortunately it was at the tail end of my time in the program, so I didn’t exactly get much benefit from that. Secondly, and more importantly, close to the end of my time in the program, one of the mental health workers, a pre-doctoral intern who was running most of the “classes” that I was in, said a few things to me that were really frustrating and upsetting. Firstly she said that “ADHD doesn’t exist, it’s just a reaction to trauma. Too many kids are getting diagnosed with it when they just have regular attention issues, and in adults a diagnosis is almost always accompanied with trauma. And of course people are going to perform better when they’re on a stimulant.” Which. Is wrong on so many accounts. First of all, it’s overdiagnosed in the wrong people and massively underdiagnosed in the people who actually have it, especially young girls. And secondly, of course it’s paired with trauma when adults are diagnosed with it. They’ve had to deal with it for their entire lives up until then without knowing why they couldn’t do things the same way as everyone else, and there’s also a lot of trauma in general that comes with having ADHD considering how many people say “Oh, you’re just not trying hard enough” or “You’re just making excuses,” not to mention the self esteem issues that come with it. And thirdly, yeah people will perform better when on stimulants, but does taking a stimulant make everyone else tired? Cuz it does for me because it lets me slow down my brain enough to actually sleep. So yeah, that was fucked up. But the second thing she said was probably worse, and it didn’t actually occur to me how much this impacted me until earlier today when I realized something, but I’ll get to that realization soon. So it’s my second-to-last day in the program. I had gotten almost no sleep the previous night because I had a massive panic attack right before bed because my asswipe ex messaged me some really fucked up stuff. So I’m way out of it, and my ability to concentrate is pretty shit. I’m doing my best, though, and I’m paying attention to the discussion. We were talking about the parts of the brain and how they’re impacted by trauma. There were a few times during that day where I had forgotten words but still knew what I was talking about, and at least one of them had happened in front of this woman. So she asks “Does anybody know what the part of the brain is that connects the two hemispheres?” I say “Oh, I do” cuz I do know what it is, but for the life of me I can’t remember what the name is. (It’s the corpus callosum.) So she looks at me and says, out loud, in front of the entire group, “You know, it’s okay if we don’t know everything.” So I get all flustered and embarrassed and mad at myself because, in my ADHD people-pleaser brain, the teacher just failed me in front of the whole class and now they all hate me. So I don’t say a goddamn word for the rest of the day, and the next day I leave without saying goodbye to that one woman, after leaving a glowing review in the exit survey. So the thing about this that’s really fucked up is that like two days before, I sat down with her and told her how I have a lot of specific trauma around rejection and failure, especially relating to my dad and how he constantly asserts that I don’t try hard enough or that I need to do better, shit like that. Like, that was a major theme with me the whole time I was in the program. It was like, getting over the intense rejection of my best friend/girlfriend running away with a guy she just met, and my relationship with my dad. That was it. (Of the two, the one there that’s still a major thing in my life is my relationship with my dad. At this point, she can fuck off with whoever she wants. I’m more pissed at her than anything else now.) So for her to turn around and embarrass me in front of the entire group like that, when there was solid evidence that a) I did know what I was talking about and b) I was having a very off day was really messed up. In thinking about it, there was quite a few messed up things that she did in the last week or so that I was there. Probably more during the rest of my time there but I don’t actually remember most of it because working on your trauma can be traumatizing itself, go figure. Anyway, I had almost completely forgotten about that until earlier today when I was thinking about how I was getting much more sensitive to rejection and perceived failure recently than I was before all this had happened. Part of it is probably my increased estrogen dose fucking with my mood, but the majority of it, I think, stems from that one incident of her pretty much violating my trust and invalidating me in front of like twelve people that I really trusted and felt close with. Fucked me up, yo. Anyway, so I leave the program and start working for my dad at his machine shop. Things are going super well, I’m making a fair bit of money, keeping in touch with my friends as best I can, and doing my best to avoid my ex harassing me further. About midway through December I change my phone number so that he’ll stop calling me (he had several ways to get around me blocking his number), and in the middle of February I change my name on Facebook so he won’t be able to find me and send me more message requests, cuz there’s no way to stop that from happening either, and the police were useless because “I wasn’t in any physical danger.” At this point he had moved away from my town, presumably back with his parents but I don’t really know, and I really don’t care. So he messages my siblings on Facebook trying to get my phone number, and then somehow finds my Facebook again and sends me a picture of him cutting his wrist. So I get fed up, go to a local domestic violence prevention nonprofit, talk with one of their advocates, and file a restraining order against him. It gets approved, and the messages stop. A court date is set for us both to meet with a judge to discuss everything and see if it needs to stay in place or not or whatever, and for about 2 weeks everything is great. Then covid-19 starts hitting. I get what was probably just the flu or a cold or whatever a few days before the court date. Then the state that I live in announces that most court hearings are postponed until mid-April. I check on the website and find that stalking and domestic violence, among a few others, are exempt from this and will be going on as scheduled. Because I was recently sick, I call the courts the day before and ask if I can appear over the phone. They say yes, it’s all good, great. So the next morning I call in and things get moving. It turns out that my ex didn’t show up to the hearing, even though he definitely knew about it. So I talk with the judge for a few minutes and we decide that I don’t need the restraining order anymore because he’s not likely to start harassing me again, and if he does I can always get a new one or get the police involved. And so far I haven’t heard a peep from him so I’m assuming that chapter of my life is closed for good, which is excellent. But then more things start to close down, and my dad basically tells me that he doesn’t really need me at work and it’s best if I stay home. So since then I’ve been staying at home. It’s been 15 days total that I’ve been home, with only minimal trips to work for an hour here and there. And I really don’t do well with isolation. It’s not all bad, because I live with my parents, so I have some social contact, but as was mentioned above I don’t exactly get along with my dad, I don’t have a lot in common with my stepmom, and my grandmother is a grumpy old lady who isn’t very good for conversations about much else than knitting and Jeopardy. I’ve been doing my best to stay in touch with folks online, and it’s been decent, but it’s still pretty rough. And when Animal Crossing came out and all of my friends started playing it, I started feeling even worse because I’m poor as shit and don’t even have a Switch, and they’re fucking $400, which is a whole student loan payment for me. So I’ve been pretty miserable the past two weeks. To top it all off, I have to register for Fall classes next week, and I don’t think I can even imagine that far into the future right now. The world is supremely fucked, and there’s almost no way that I’ll even be able to afford to go back to school. I’ll probably have to drop out entirely. For at least a few years. And I’m really not ready to give up on school right now. Like I said above, I’m really sensitive to failure, and this is the third time I’ve tried, and failed, at college. And I’m getting real frustrated about it. The first time it was my ADHD, which at the time was undiagnosed. The second time it was mental health and my asshole ex harassing me. Now, when I finally have my ducks in a row, it’s money. The one thing that no amount of treatment or medication or court hearings will change. Plus there’s all the political bullshit going on still, and the impending collapse of society as we know it, and any number of other global crises (yes, that is the proper plural of crisis) going on. Oh, did I mention I’m an empath and the moods and emotions of the people around me, and of the world in general, pretty heavily impact me? I’ve been able to tell when some massive tragedy occurred even before the news story breaks. So yeah, all in all I’m doing about the worst I’ve been doing since high school before I was on antidepressants, and it’s really hard to see any end to this tunnel. I know I’m one in several hundred million people who are struggling right now, and I’m lucky that I’m at least moderately healthy with a steady place to stay and things to eat, but goddamn if things aren’t shit for me right now. Like I said, I’m not looking for any kind of response, and if you even read all of this I’m legitimately surprised. I just needed to put this all down somewhere because keeping it in is getting to be almost too much.

Don’t worry, friends. I promise you I’m safe. I’m just scared, lonely, and really lost right now.

I love you all.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

so being abused the entire first 2 decades of your life: what’s up with that? Night Posts Edition

- classic when finding some “uh oh relatable!” content abt various Disorderres and there’s some thing like “many symptoms overlap with ptsd” and it’s like ooh which one is applying to me?? i mean spoilers the idea that The Grouping Of Non Nt Traits And Experiences Into Distinct Classifications is not actually...an exact science and for all intents and purposes it makes no difference if i am going “oh god #me” at an informative post about adhd if actually its ptsd acting exactly the same anyways so. but yknow it’s wild n zany being like “am i overstepping my bounds b/c this was caused by coping with trauma possibly? what audacity” and etc when it really....that doesnt matter....

- also ugh @ retaining things that downplay abusers’ responsibility for their actions (in specific things you’re personally dealing with, not like, as a general stance) and shift blame onto yourself like........you have to get so used to treating someone’s Abusive Behavior as something inevitable that you can’t ever expect them to stop doing, and thus pretty much considering someone abusive like a force of nature because they’re just gonna do what they’re gonna do whenever they next get Set Off rather than like.......a person who is responsible for their own behavior and in control of their own choices and like. especially zany when you’re a kid and they’re your parent so there’s the Power Imbalance of them being an adult and the other power imbalance of them being in control of your whole existence. but so like even just the other year i was taking the blame for calmly speaking back to a grownass man close to thrice my age raging at me and saying like, not verbatim but the idea of like “ugh i know it was partly my fault for even saying anything back to him because i knew he’d just continue to yell but unfortunately i just refuse to weather that kind of behavior without standing up for myself at all anymore” but like no!!!! that’s shifting all the responsibility for this other person’s behavior onto myself, like i Made him choose to shout at me at like 4am because he sucks and has some kind of superiority power trip issues. cuz i am well within rights to respond to anyone addressing me and it’s Not my fault at all that he chooses to react the way he reacts. 

- also that i was ready to excuse my being blamed for this by others because they were closer to that person than they were to me and i was gonna be like “okay i Get wanting to defend someone who’s closer to you” but no!!!! actually!!!! i may get it but i don’t condone excusing anyone’s horrible behavior in the least just cuz you know them or they’re friends or family or something. in fact that’s terrible. i’m just primed to be Used To It because of the weird situation of parental abuse where there’s other people also trapped in this location and daily life with an abuser and if someone “causes” the abuser to start being shitty then they’ll get blamed / resented for that. me and my siblings seem more like friendly acquaintances b/c we had to be pitted against each other in these kinds of ways for eons until we were all in our teens and got some more Space and kind of realized that we weren’t each others enemies and got closer and my dumb little brother was old enough to stop being a whiny binch and Owed me for helping him with math hw over the phone from 2 hrs drive away lol.....jk, sort of.....we did get along great eventually but then i left thanks to said abuse and us talking via twitter isn’t at all the same as us being able to talk in person :/

- also one thing that sometimes Strikes me is that when i’m like blandly recalling incidents of abuse like “oh yeah, that time” it bothers me less to think about stuff that happened to me specifically than to think about times it was Other people who were being treated that way. the latter was always equally or probably more upsetting and it always felt just as bad in the moment anyways, there was no major distinction in the Abuse In Progress experience if it was directed mostly on you than on other people

- all my life i’ve also been super stubborn which never helped and even Abuse MaGee would have to try to get creative with Disciplinary Systems and there was this golden “punishment” which was eat dinner in your room by yourself and i was like oh my god can i really. the horror of Family Dinner was like, this dark comedic farce playing out in that house for all our lives. christ. speaking of being stubborn this one time my sister cut my toe with a knife (half accidentally) because i refused to stop swinging my legs despite her holding the knife under the table lol and i also refused to tell on her b/c we were All In This Together (that is, Us vs The Abuser, which always took precedence over any internal conflict in our faction lol)

- always remembering how my “’”””””””defining”””””””””” trait was always getting good grades except the only reason i ever felt this pressure was the time my sister caught shit for getting a C, and i wasn’t even getting A - F letter grades yet and was already like jfc guess i can’t like....get a single C ever.....the joke is i’ve always been a godawful student who hates school, i just also managed to get great grades fairly easily, b/c of the devil probably. i’m sorry

- love to wonder what interests i might have been able to explore if i didn’t want to hide anything i was genuinely interested in and other True Thoughts And Feelings from my ‘rents. who knows!!! even now i’m not sure what i like and my vague ideas about it are all mostly In Theory and i don’t have any hopes and dreams b/c of never being able to really consider my own interests and desires and also because when every day of your life is basically spent in survival mode about everything else, that’s not really conducive to having dreams and ambitions. see also: like, being really poor

- The Weird Experience when only one of your parents is abusive and the other parent is also experiencing spousal abuse and so like, even though they’re your parent, you know that they don’t really have equal power as the abusive one because they too are being abused? it’s a complicated thing b/c that’s how every individual experience with abuse is (complicated). and so you’ve got this bizarre situation where maybe someone cares about you but they can’t really protect you from this other person. and like, my dad is crap and in some areas even a crappier person than my abusive mom and also i hate him, but i only hate him for certain things lmao not for being abused or some ways he tried to deal with it. i know what’s trash and what’s not

- the zany experience of No One Will Help You Ever.....lucky for me i eventually figured out on my own that what i’d been living with all the time had actually been abuse for real all along! and yet still i knew that like, there wasn’t much i could immediately do with that information because..........yknow, what do you actually do. i was basically already 18, so. and even if i hadnt been. there’s nothing to do for it!! just sucks to be you, basically. but an exception is that when one day i texted my friend to ask if i might be able to leave my house overnight and crash at their family’s place for a little bit, their parents immediately were like Yes Of Course and they let me stay there for a week and were very nice about all of it. between them and the nice trans lady who gave me some more Housing Assistance by letting me stay in her spare room for like, most of december.....my Allies. plus someone who talked to me via online once i bailed on my ‘rents! if they read this they know who they are and they have continued to be so kind and generous ugh love and appreciate you

- god just individual occasions of “THIS bullshit that i went through this one time” of especially ridiculous incidents.....i could go on for eons

- sort of tangentially related and related to the first point but ugh specific memories of Moments In Which It Continued To Be Revealed To Me That I, Individually, Was Prone To Being Kind Of Socially Ostracized.....like my ass started noticing that shit as soon as i was around other kids aka preschool aka 4 yrs old.......like i’m usually somewhat withdrawn and cautious and quiet in social situations especially what with the association that “misbehaving” = trauma exposure so, yknow, that might be a way that you’re pressured into just keeping to yourself and keeping your head down. but talk about “i don’t really relate to other people my age” lmao like i always preferred interacting with adults really while by and large dealing with the other kids felt like a challenge that i was never gonna actually come out on top of and i still remember individual Efforts i’d make to ~fit in~ and Participate that just fell flat or got me actively excluded....Ugh City........and it’s like, i could make a list of Social Traits i think i have that help make it difficult for people to be interested in interacting with me, or “contribute” to those joyous occasions when you get to sit back and take in the thinly veiled contempt directed at you by various shitheads, but like, even that’s not really the right way to explain it. its kind of more a Greater Than The Sum Of Its Weird Parts sorta combined experience where i guess i just have this kind of Negative Je Ne Sais Quoi that gets ya the social brushoff / rejection. c’est ce que c’est. the joke is i actually like people and socializing In Theory, i just usually don’t get to do it. shoutout to the advanced relatability of alana calling everyone Acquaintances b/c i literally did/do that lmao......like are we friends if we don’t talk all that often? it’s part on me cuz i’m crap at being the person to initiate conversation cuz too often i assume i’d be an annoyance and also b/c conversation with me is like, not great lmao but still......ce’st l’a v’ie

anyways (clip from that fuckin song where it’s like WHO CAN RELATE lmao.mp3)

[angst-in-space]

1, 2, 4-11, 13-18, 20-22, 24, 25, 27-35, 37-48, 50 👍💕💖

holy shit alex

1. What was your first fic and could you stand to reread it today?

my first fic was altea rising and yes i’d still reread it today bc 1) i’m still writing it lmao, 2) i only started it two years ago dkfdj

2. What’s your most recent fic and how far do you think you’ve come?

if we’re not counting fic updates i guess the most recent thing i finished was my piece for @extrasolarzine (WHICH I’M GONNA FINALLY POST A PREVIEW OF THIS WEEK...AAH)!! and well, again i’ve only been writing fic for a couple years but...hmm idk, i mean this piece is very action-y and that’s something i used to have very little confidence about, so i’d like to think that’s something i’ve improved upon! 

4. In your opinion and without looking at any numbers, what’s your most popular fic?

ha i mean i know for a fact that “if the silence was a song” is my most popular fic both in terms of hits/kudos....it also seems to be the one people rec the most and the one i most often get the reaction of “wait, YOU wrote that??” sdkfjd

5. Is there any fic that makes you super happy to reread and remember you wrote that?

answered!

6. Is there any fic that makes you super embarrassed to reread and remember you wrote that?

nah not really, i’m pretty happy with all my fics lol...i guess there’s parts of them that could be better but none of them make me like Truly Embarrassed

7. What’s the fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)?

answered!

8. What’s the oldest (longest since last update) fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)?

i guess it’s altea rising since i haven’t updated it in like three months haha, but uhh don’t worry it’s coming! (as in i’m super close to Finally finishing a draft of the next chapter heh heh)

9. Have you ever written for a fandom without watching/reading/playing the source material?

nope! i’ve only written fic for voltron 

10. Have you ever written for a fandom without reading other fanfic for it?

also no....i binge-read a ton of voltron fics the summer it came out and then started a fic of my own! 

11. Have you ever written a fic for a concept you know someone else has done before? How did it impact your writing process or feelings after posting?

i figure everything has been done before in one way or another so that’s something i try not to sweat it too much about. i try to be original, but there’s also a lot of popular tropes i like so it’s fun to take those and try to make them my own somehow!

13. What’s the biggest change between your style when you started in fandom and today?

answered!

14. What’s the biggest change in your taste between when you started in fandom and today?

i’m not sure if this refers to reading or writing fic but...i guess in general i’m a lot pickier now than i was at the beginning of the fandom?? like i remember at the beginning i’d just kinda read whatever was popular but over time i’ve developed a much better sense of what i will and won’t like lol, and i p much only read things written by friends and/or rec’d to me by friends. 

15. Have you ever purposefully written one fandom/fic idea over another because you knew it’d be more popular?

not really?? in fact i seem to gravitate more towards my super long complicated aus even knowing they’re not gonna gain as much attention lol.

16. Have you ever stopped writing a fic/for a fandom because it wasn’t receiving enough attention?

no i’m a masochist so i continue writing the aforementioned super long complicated aus even when it feels like i’m just dropkicking updates into the void lmao. but tbh even if literally no one was reading my multichap fics i’d probs still write them bc they’re fun to write and i love them a lot, so!!

17. In your opinion, what’s your most overrated fic?

ha i mean, again i like all my fics and i’m happy i wrote them all but...i guess probably “a truth in the blood”? dgmw i still like that one a lot and i’m glad a lot of people enjoyed it, i’m just not as like emotionally attached to it as i am to my other fics (probs cuz i wrote it in like two weeks haha). 

18. What’s your most underrated fic?

ummm i’d say it’s defo “the stars are bound to change.” idk man like i really poured my soul into that one and it’s so rare someone tells me it’s their fave....i have this particular soft spot for it that whenever someone tells me they love that one i’m like *SOBS*...THANK YOU.

20. Have/Would you ever rewrite a fic? If yes, would you take the original down?

probably not?? there’s some things i’d probs change a bit in some of my fics but there’s nothing that i would rewrite completely.

21. If someone starts kudosing and commenting your fics in a spree and has a few works of their own, would you go look through theirs?

i gotta admit i don’t think i’ve ever done that...? i usually don’t start looking at someone’s fics unless they’ve been rec’d to me or like unless we’ve become friends and i then find out they write fic.

22. Has there ever been anyone who’s made you freak out because they read your work and followed/favorited/reviewed?

answered!

24. What’s the meanest review you’ve ever gotten? Do you think the reviewer intended it?

i’ve never gotten a truly mean review really. *knocks on wood* i think the only slightly negative one i can think of off the top of my head was someone who complained about the end of “the stars are bound to change” and said it was too abrupt but...i don’t think they intended it to be super malicious or anything, and like, i get it bc i wasn’t 100% happy with the ending either. but oh well can’t win ‘em all. 

25. What constructive criticism, however well-meaning, always makes you feel bad when you see it in a review?

again i haven’t really gotten much negativity or criticism in comments so uh...*shrugs* and i’m p good at taking constructive criticism i was a creative writing major sdkdj

27. If you could only ever write crossovers or single-fandom fics ever again, which would you pick?

i’ve only ever written single-fandom fics and don’t have a desire to ever write a crossover fic so lol. 

28. if you could only ever write for a single crossover or a single fandom again, which would you pick?

i mean i guess voltron bc it’s the only fandom i’ve written fic for anyway and klance still owns my ass, so... 

29. Does the division of your writing across fandoms line up with your reading? What’s the biggest discrepancy?

....i only read/write voltron fic pretty much so uh n/a haha

30. Do you continue to write for a fandom after you’ve moved on or do you focus solely on the new one?

again i’ve only written voltron fic and yeah i’m still writing it even though i’m not watching the show anymore. what can i say, a bitch loves klance and that bitch is me!! 

31. Who’s the one character you’ve just never managed to get perfectly right?32. Who’s the one character who shines without you even trying?33. Is there any particular character whose scenes always wind up being longer/more frequent than you expected? Does the quality hold up?

answered!

34. Was there any fic that you wrote that really surprised you in the fandom reaction? Was it just by the numbers or did they take it an entirely different way?

also answered!

35. Have you ever written a ship into a fic without meaning to?

not that i can think of...there’s been a couple times i’ve decided partway through a fic to include some side-pairing later on in the background, but it’s not really unintentional, just that i didn’t plan on it from the beginning. 

37. Have you ever purposefully bashed a character/ship in a fic?

i wouldn’t say “bashed” per se but uh i do often really stress on shiro & keith having a brotherly relationship although that’s more out of the fear of people interpreting it the wrong way... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

38. Have you ever purposefully written something you know your readers would find uncomfortable/would not enjoy? If yes, why?

i....no. why would i do that?? dlkfjdk

39. Do you consider yourself to have a readership?

a sort of small one but yeah! 

40. Do you feel like you put out enough content?

yes and no...i write a lot but it’s mostly just piling more and more into my multichaps. kinda wish i wrote more short oneshots but oh well.

41. If you cross-post your fics on multiple sites, do you have a favorite? Are there certain fics you would only post on certain site?

i only post on ao3 so yeah.

42. How many views has your most popular fic gotten?

“if the silence was a song” with 23,744 hits whew!! 

43. Your least popular?

“a million little pieces” (the fic i wrote for lancito) it only has 349 hits rip.... (i mean it’s a gen fic and only like 2k words long so i get it but sdlkfjd)

44. Do you follow/favorite/kudos/comment/review more stories than you have received?

i’m a little confused by the wording of this lol, but uh if i’m understanding the question correctly...i think it’s about even? although tbh i’ve been slacking a lot in my fic reading lately, but in general i try to support other fic authors as much as i can! 

45. If you had to call yourself an author of a single genre (besides fanfic) what label would you give yourself?

answered!

46. Do you consider yourself a diverse author?

i’m not sure if this means like in terms of diverse content/genres or in terms of like character diversity but i’d like to say yes to both?? i like moving around between different genres, also i care a lot about character diversity and representation so yeah! 

47. If someone you know in real life who isn’t involved in fandoms asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first?

i mean this has happened to me before and i’m like “sure lol.” it depends on the person but probs i would have them read “a million little pieces” or maybe “a truth in the blood” since those are the shortest and uhhh the least shippy lol. 

48. Does anyone you know from outside of fandom know you write fanfic? Are they involved in the same fandom too?

yeah i’m an annoying bitch who can’t shut up about writing fic so p much all my friends/fam know i write it hahaha. and uhh i have a couple irl friends who are in the same fandoms as me but not a lot.

50. Has writing fanfic had a significant impact on your life? Would you say it’s entirely positive?

answered!

aaaaand now i think i’ve officially answered all the questions for this meme lmao

fanfic author ask meme

[whattheklance]

The rest of my season 6 thoughts

OHMYGOSH

what a season

WHAT a season

the next chunk of writing, right below here, was from when i was on the episodes I was talking about before I finished them all

KEITH IS TALLER THAN LANCE after two years

ALSO that means Keith is 21 now, even if no time has passed for everyone else.

man. i think the only reason Lance was "oh look keith's back" was mostly his bitterness over lotor and allura. it's like that bitterness revived his original behavior around Keith from the beginning. even if keith is acting different.

I wouldn't have even thought or noticed Keith was bigger or had grown if fucking LANCE hadn't pointed it out. of course lance is the first and only one to notice. not even in person but via a screen

i also forgot about the cliffhanger already that keith and krolia had found an altean. that d&d episode kinda wiped it from my brain.

and lotor had me fooled too.

though before i started watching i had read someone's post who pointed out how much lotor always told the truth but would lie through omission. not sharing any details that would paint him in a negative light.

is the tenderness he's expressed with allura also part of the lie?? cuz that seemed so genuine.

OHHHHH MYGOSH OHMYGOSH

one of my theories was RIGHT. that the shiro who returned to earth was ALSO a clone!!!

when keith first walked into that room with pods, my FIRST thought was "are all of those Shiros????"

AND OHMYGOSH they were.

when i saw the title of this episode was "the black paladins" my first thought was "does this mean not only keith and shiro, but MULTIPLE shiros will be in this episode???" AND YES. ugh yes.

i don't care that i was right. cuz this was like one of HALF A DOZEN theories i came up with.

i think original shiro NEVER returned to earth

which possibly means that haggar let the blades release A shiro because 1) it wasn't the real one and 2)she might have always intended him to be a paladin.

but i am REALLY attached to the clone shiro we got to know and love and I PRAY that we get to see him again.

and i jumped to a conclusion too quick up there. though a theory of mine was STILL RIGHT, a slight variation on what i just said. I know I have an old post where I theorized that Shiro disappeared because he BECAME ONE WITH THE BLACK LION

AND OHMYGOSH THATS WHAT HAPPENED

it's funny. there was a huge theory going around that something like that could happen to lance and the blue lion, even though there weren't really any solid grounds to think that would happen. But that's what happened to Shiro.

After Keith talked to Shiro and truly bonded with the Black Lion thanks to him. I thought we'd have to say goodbye to Shiro it REALLY felt like he wouldn't be coming back. Like we'd lost him already back in season 2.

and then them having to sacrifice the castle of lions, their home away from home. was even more loss on top of that.

so when we got Allura putting Shiro's spirit from the Black Lion into the clone's body. My heart was swelling. I was so relieved. And I like that it turned his hair all the way white. kinda like when Gandalf the Grey "came back from the dead" as Gandalf the White.

There were SO MANY wonderful beats in this season. Lots of signs of REALLY great storytelling

But I can't help but feel like someone took the great story the team wanted to tell and condensed it way too much. You can still see the elements of what they planned, but lots of important parts felt too rushed

We already know that netflix or dreamworks mandate forced them to bring shiro back a whole season sooner than the creators wanted to. I can't help but wonder what other mandates happened that limited their plans.

The WHOLE Shiro story was a thrilling concept and had some good beats in it. But it also happened a little too fast. Like, Lance's interactions with Shiro in season 5, I felt like that should have led somewhere instead of being dismissed. Even if they wanted the betrayal to seemingly come out of nowhere and surprise the team the way it did, they could've had Lance travel a little ways towards the truth, but have something happen that causes him to dismiss it. It also would’ve amplified his grief upon the betrayal happening, like he could’ve prevented it.

hell even clone shiro. Gonna call him Kuro from now on. He suspected something was wrong. That’s why I thought we were going to get SOME kind of investigation/test, even if it was limited to one episode ANYTHING. i would’ve taken ANYTHING of that nature.

I really wanted Kuro to have some sort of agency beyond his programming. For him to possibly get redeemed or something. I mean, he resisted. He wanted to resist before Haggar forced control. But in the end he was just a device for conflict, and a deus ex machina to resurrect real Shiro. kinda bummed we didn’t get any other clone shiros beyond the sleeping ones in the pods. I liked the idea of a shiro army, good or evil. But maybe they were just empty husks to be used by haggar when one breaks.

It'd be awesome if this wasn't the end of their story, and Shiro in the new body actually had Kuro's voice in his head or something, kinda like 80's Rogue in the x-men with Ms.Marvel's voice in her head. But sadly, it kinda of feels like this is the end of the Shiro Clone Saga.

More on the whole rushing good plot points. The whole reveal of Lotor's true nature with Keith returning. It felt very abrupt, and it didn't help having the D&D episode separating the cliffhanger of Keith and Krolia finding an Altean and the reveal.

Still, even though it all happened faster than I wished, all the beats with the Keith vs Shiro, and Keith discovering real Shiro and unlocking the Black Lion, and even his two year time gap, experience with the Blade and with his mother, crafted him into a confidant fighter who could finally take the lead in voltron, vastly opposite of his pre-blade self. I feel like this character arc, even though it was still too brief init of itself, makes up for some of the lost development from when Shiro should've been gone longer. We wanted to see the new team develop more than we got to. So it was really satisfying seeing them come together now, and feeling like we really saw Keith transform since he last piloted the Black Lion. Even though we had a long keith shortage with seasons 4 and 5, they still managed to have key episodes that developed his arc that led him to who he became in the finale.

though i'm relieved we got original shiro back, i feel like his being brought back was rushed too. Like, I get how that type of scene feels right for a season finale, especially with the fight and losing the castle of lions, but I wish there was more time and development between Keith's discovery of him and his actual return at the end.

KEITH GOT THE GALRA mark from his straining to hold onto his life and Kuro's. I almost was expecting him to fully transform into a galra form of his own. Maybe that's in his future, cuz I think everyone wants to see something like that. I hope the gang comments on his mark in the next episode (did anybody get Star Trek (2009) reboot vibes in that scene?? i feel like there was a scene with Kirk and Sulu that was very similar action-wise with the whole collapsing planet-to-space structure)

Man, so this season Lance had to deal with his Allura feelings and losing her to Lotor. Then Allura had to deal with having her heart broken from falling for Lotor then learning how she was used. Ever since Lance faced his feelings he hasn't been the flirt towards Allura anymore. I hope it stays that way. I love Lance and I love Allura, but I really hope the writers don't take us a romantic route. Like if they did start to do something like that, I'd keep my fingers crossed that its purpose would be to show one or both of them that they aren't right for each other. Like, try to get together only to hilariously fail and decide against it. like Rachel and Joey in friends.

They didn't do anything with Allura presumably learning Lance's feelings from the mice. i’m surprised. i was a little worried when that happened. again, i feel like that not becoming anything could also be a sign of omitted story points.

THEY'RE FUCKING GOING HOME

and i can't help but think how we have seen neither hide nor hair of Sendak's coalition since the episode they fought and ran. They're fully functioning. a huge danger. And I remember reading a meta post after last season talking about how sendak understands better than anyone that to beat voltron is to threaten innocents lives, and to ultimately defeat voltron he'd threaten their home planet. A planet incapable of defending itself against galra tech. He even re-demonstrated those tactics AGAIN this season with the galra shield base. As if to remind us he does that...for next season. where the gang goes home only to find sendak's taken earth or something. or at least has a blockade to threaten it.

this season seriously delivered. Razor's Edge, I stand by as being the best episode of the series thus far. But man The Black Paladins episode was on par with Keith's Blade of Marmora reveal episode in season 2, which I put in the top 5.

Good season, despite the fact that possible executive mandates possibly limiting the writing all around felt VERY visible. Even if it's never confirmed for the things I felt were rushed. I feel like I can see that it’s there. I feel like I can see the story they want to tell, and then everywhere I feel was rushed was like an artificial constraint that forced them to cut something out of the story they want to tell.

Cuz it feels like, from the sheer quality of beats within the characters' arcs, anyone, who could craft what we've already seen, would understand the appropriate amount of story needed to properly depict it, and do it justice, but it's like someone who doesn't have the same understanding has told them to make it shorter, cuz reasons. And that’s how we got the end result

PS. i wonder if Kuro’s sheer blandness as Shiro playing D&D was a reflection of his programming. He couldn’t be inventive or imaginative, and his sole purpose was to be a paladin, to infiltrate, so that’s what he chose every time, constantly the same character. Cuz I feel like real Shiro wouldn’t play the same way. Of course it was funnier having that kind of character, but I really think that might’ve been for that purpose.

[koganphrancis]

And Now Shameless Slanders The Littlest Milkovich?  FUCK YOU

My recap of Season H8 Episode H8

They really had Vee refer to Yevgeny as a “little psychopath”, just to retcon every decent Milkovich that ever was.  Completely unnecessary and untrue, and WHERE THE FUCK IS IAN, WHY ISN’T HE IN THIS KID’S LIFE ANYMORE, HE STATED FLAT OUT HE LOVED YEVGENY.  Thank goodness there’s a gif of a Henckel flipping the bird to help me through this trying time.

I’ll try to temper my bitterness for the rest of this, but I make no guarantees.  

That horrific remark about an innocent child aside, this episode had little to get me riled up over-it was one of the most boring episodes they’ve ever done-every week they seem to outdo themselves on that front.  

This piece of shit-pardon me-episode was written by day-to-day showrunner Nancy Pimental and it was either her lame attempt at trying to win Macy that Emmy OR her purposely sabotaging him, because his storyline was the longest and most painfully unfunny this week.  

Also it was directed by Emmy Rossum and she gave herself a shit ton of close ups which I suppose is her prerogative and heaven knows the writer didn’t give her much story to shoot.  

This week opens with the dog Rusty staring at a still in bed Fiona and kicks off the aforementioned close ups.  I still want that dog to be explained-the law isn’t “dogs that have eaten human flesh must be destroyed-unless someone’s willing to take a chance on rescuing them”.  Why is there zero fucking research on this show?

Meanwhile, Franny’s screaming but Debs is too busy in the bathroom taking a half dozen pregnancy tests and acting like the world owes her something-that will be her theme throughout the episode, as it has been for the past few seasons. 

Nancy tries to capture some of that “all the Gallaghers in one place at one time” magic by having everyone crowd around the bathroom and giving Ian his first spoiled toddler line of the ep, “Guess I won’t shower today-gonna get filthy anyway cleaning that shitty building my sister found for homeless kids.”  Whatever that meaningful moment on Ian’s bed was last episode is being forgotten or ignored by this dumbass show.  Will it ever be revisited?  Who knows. 

Lip, who this season is like Mrs. Kravitz on Bewitched and seems to have this compelling need to insert himself into other people’s drama while ignoring his own, volunteers to take Debbie to Planned Parenthood where she again acts like a total bitch who needs a reality check, and where Lip just happens to be there to see Charlie (Snore’s ex) walk in with a very pregnant woman.  Such fortuitous timing!

There’s a gross scene of Carl peeing into a toilet between Kassidi’s legs as she sits on the back of the toilet-good god, Nancy, is that what you think the kids are into these days?  All I’m gonna say about Kassidi is that she’s exactly like Sammi only younger and even more charmless.  Whoever the fuck thought the show needed that vibe back needs to be fired.  And I get that Carl is supposed to be thinking with his self-inflicted deformed dick, but, really?  After seeing his father and Monica over the years, plus living with Sammi for a bit, he wouldn’t know enough to run from that type of chick?

Frank has this totally convoluted “only on Shameless” business venture going where he’s going to smuggle immigrants who feel unsafe in the USA over the Canadian border and bring back his car loaded with prescription drugs.  Sure, Frank.  Anyway, the only scene of note in the many long and boring scenes he got this week is when he’s listing talented Canadians-and when he DOESN’T say “Noel Fisher” we all hear it anyway and laugh at this lame show for letting all that talent go.  Assholes.  

Instead of recycling Mickey’s shirts this week, the show does something even more stupid: they use the VFW hall where Mickey got married as the new youth shelter AND they use the basement where Mickey and Ian banged before his wedding as the food bank Debbie goes to!  Okay, Cam, I gotta say, that’s a version of audacious-reminding us of those classic Mickey moments the show can’t come close to having using any of the characters they’ve kept on.  

Speaking of Mickey (not that the show ever does), Nancy tries to recreate some of that old Mickey magic with having Terror call Ian a “Negative Nellie” when he bitches some more about the new youth shelter.  Pinning nicknames on Ian is a Mickey thing only-why are they constantly reminding us of the gaping holes that losing Noel has left?

Anyway, here’s how Nancy tried to bring some shit talking South Side back into the show: Ian: This place is a dump. Terror (to Geneva): Don’t listen to Negative Nellie he’s still mad about the church. I: (sarcastic) Ye-ah, cuz you got pity fucked by my sister with this building. T: (imitates Ian) Ye-ah-and she was really good.

Side note-can you imagine Ian ever trying to joke with Mickey about him fucking his sister?  Sheesh.

I: I bet-she’s great at getting what she wants and screwing everybody else.

WTF?  Has Nancy ever seen the show?  Fiona always winds up screwing herself over.  I’m not a huge fan of Fiona’s big sister act, but even I can admit she sacrificed a lot for her younger siblings and never did things to screw them while advancing herself.  The thing Ian should be mad about is Fiona’s comments about Mickey-and even then she didn’t screw Mickey or Ian, she just said some stupid shit that Ian didn’t have to listen to.

Anyway, Geneva tells Ian and Terror about the gay conversion church, so now I know taking on organized religion wasn’t what Ian referred to as “larger concerns”.  One of the youths tried to commit suicide after being subjected to it, so Ian and Terror go visit him and the kid holds up his bandaged wrists and asks if they like his hot wristbands and even though it’s canon that Ian witnessed his mother moments after she slit her wrists and Terror spent his prom night in an emergency room because he slit his, neither of them bat an eye or react in any way to the kid’s injuries.  

Emmy throws in a way too long scene of Fiona dancing around in her underwear (after more way too long Frank scenes).  Again it amazes me how this show just recycles the same shit over and over-anyone remember Fiona’s happy dance in the church she went to check out for her and Sean to get married in?  

Ford catches her in the act and entices her to go out and look at Chicago architecture with him-I want the jobs that either of them have where they have all the free time in the world to lollygag.  And why is the show wasting all this time on all this crap in one episode?  Paint drying on those historic buildings would’ve been more interesting to watch than this hour of television.  

At the end of their tour, Ford shows her the inside of a house he’s working on (all by himself, apparently, I guess he doesn’t work with a crew) and asks her to lie down on an improbably placed mattress and she’s a tad hesitant at first, but when she does it, he points out art on the ceiling to her.  She’s impressed with its beauty and then starts making out with Ford in a total recreation of Ian with Faileb and thinking that guys who show any bit of interest in them as people must want to fuck them.  It was stupid with Faileb, it’s stupid with Ford.  

There’s a scene somewhere along the line with Kev and Vee that’s bordering on spousal abuse-I really wish they’d end this “Kev grows some balls” idea immediately. "Big neanderthal man” is not a thinking person’s idea of an ideal partner.  

Ugh, now for more of the Ian crap.  He goes home and asks if they have a Bible laying around.  He finds one, and the next day-THE VERY NEXT DAY-he and Terror go to the gay conversion church and Ian gets into a Bible quoting match with the pastor/minister/whatever he is.  I’m sure Cam was hard as a rock thinking he was coming off like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, but the movie character I was thinking of was Rain Man-how else could he have memorized several Bible passages overnight unless he’s some sort of idiot savant?  

Terror is basically an Ian accessory in the scene-a backpack or a briefcase or a Trapper Keeper, holding Ian’s Bible for him until he needs it.  And the whole, “We’ll probably be banging again soon” right after Terror calls himself Ian’s ex was stupid-not funny or sexy, which I bet was what good old Nancy was going for. 

Cut to a scene of Snore getting a bit of a story thread that they probably originally kicked around for Mandy, and she has the triggering line that she’ll “run away to Mexico” if her father is released from prison.  Sure, Snore, whatever.  

Then there’s the scene where Kev is trying out his domineering dick act for the second time this ep on Svetlana, and Vee gets turned on and hands Yev over to Svetlana calling him that P word.  Fuck you, bitch.  I hope Svetlana is scheming to fuck Kev and Vee over big time-they have a scene where it looks like Svet’s doing that, but with this show, who knows if it’ll be alluded to again?

In the time it took Ian and Terror and the refugees from the gay conversion church to walk to the youth shelter, a video a person recorded at the church on her phone has been uploaded to You Tube and Geneva tells Ian it has a thousand hits already-cuz, yeah, Nance, that’s how the You Tube works.  Homeless kids working to clean up a dilapidated building have their iPhones turned on to get alerts whenever a video that has anything to do with gays gets posted to YT and they all drop everything and watch it.  

The only other thing I want to mention is the preview for next week-they show a quick clip of Ian and Terror pulling their shirts off that’s a ripoff of Mickey and Ian’s first time, a shot of Ian watching Terror asleep next to him in his bed where he’s awkwardly as fuck touching his face, and then a clip of Ian saying, “Kinda nice-us being a thing again.”  (WHAT HAPPENED TO GET OFF MY PORCH, DICK????  But I digress.)  Terror answers, “Jury’s still out.”  Well, if by jury he means FANS, we handed down our verdict a long time ago.  

I wonder if the show is trying to set up them finding their way to be a “true” couple (GAG), and then “tragedy” will strike and pull them apart when Ian gets arrested and they think  it’ll be poignant and painful for the fans, when actually we’ll be cheering and yelling, “Throw Ian in prison for 15 years, bitches!  Throw away the key and don’t have anyone visit!  Have Terror say it’s too painful for him to see him behind glass like that!!!!”  

But then again, this show is so inconsistent maybe that’s not where they’re headed at all.  Maybe they just think Ian needs the chase to stay interested, and for some misguided reason the writers think that’s what the fans want to see.  

We really, really don’t, though.  

And I can’t say it enough: Fuck this show for that line about little Yev.  It seemed like another very deliberate slap to the face of Mickey Milkovich fans everywhere.  

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling diary #8 (my memory is baaad plus some general frustrations and encouragements)

This past week was kinda hmm... nyeeeeh. I wouldn't say I did anything particularly exciting or new or memorable and I was kinda sickly but it wasn't bad bad and that's all that matters ^^ My memory is bad bad baaaaad in other words, same as usual lol

I’ve decided I’m gonna try to write this weeks (or well, last weeks) stuff using the tumblr app this time, I haven't really used it much, but it's been pretty neat so far aka I cba to clear my desk and use the pc. My typo rate is srsly v. high tho and I wanna shorten the words cuz phone typing and effort but I think I actually type about the same speed with my phone as I do on the PC hah... If only I could read back the text and edit stuff easier as I go along though... oh welp. (Whoa phew, I thought I accidentally posted it by accident lulz the app gives a 'it posted' notification when I save it as a draft what even lol)

This weeks counselling app was... pretty alright, though I'm feeling the pressure and the nerves more now because as predicted I am expected to try even more harder with the communication and skill learning stuff for next time and I really arghhh xwx I only just got over the last wall and the next one seems way more difficult to scale... but I think I can do it... I just need to push away the unhelpful thoughts and persist..! >^<

So that sheet about emotions and thoughts I had to do... I only managed to write two small things but it's something at least, we didn't actually look over it this session because we were still looking at the unhelpful behaviour sheet from last last time which was a slight relief but I still have the sheet now and need to fill it by next week xwx

The behaviour we went over was to do with comparing yourself to others and I really can't remember a lot of the things that was said gdi... maybe I'll just bullet point some of the important stuff and the rest will come back to me easier... and so I don't forget even more lol I'm just feeling extra lazy and unmovtivated hahaha.. ugh @v@"

🍰 Every person has their own views on things/their own way of doing or reacting to things and there is no right or wrong way in essence. Like baking a cake, one person may use so and so ingredients and the other such and such or even something that seems pretty unconventional but they both still result in cakes. Another person may prefer the taste of cake 1 over 2 and another person cake 2 over 1. No one is wrong in their choices, it’s just personal preference.

🥞 All professions work together in harmony and are necessary to make up and keep up a society. There is no need to be ashamed of or think lowly of your profession because it is just as important (eg. trash collector people, some people might think lowly of them but without them there would be a mess of vermin and disease etc etc as juxtaposed with another profession like a doctor which is usually thought highly of).

🍕 The only way to break the cycle is by doing. Doing will provide you with the experience and evidence needed to override your negative presumptions and this in turn will allow you to get past the things holding you back and grow. Your beliefs should run on facts and not irrational thoughts which probably hold no truth at all. 

🍔 Like reading a book, you only know as much as you've read (your current and past experiences and beliefs), but there is still so much left to learn and absorb if you push forward and continue. The parts you haven't read yet (future experiences and knowledge etc) may be the positive and powerful parts needed to neutralise and flip back the negative beginning chapters.

🍝 You live in a place where freedom and choice is encouraged and accepted (unlike some other places in the world where people live under strict control), so why would you willingly choose to cage yourself in with all these rules and restrictions..? (T^T Idk why... but I don’t want to no more that’s for sure!)

🍦 Everything you do should be for your own approval and not anyone else’s. It’s your life and your choices, not theirs. Your own opinions matter most and your own wellbeing should be your priority. Do it all for yourself.

🍩 I would really like a doughnut right now, damn. I can’t have any of these foods rn cause of my diet lolol... they’re unhealthy anyways ^^”

These are some really awfully phrased retellings of the stuff the counsellor told me, but that’s basically all I can remember right now but they give very interesting and useful views on things. Normally I would rephrase them even more or not include the examples but w/e I need to stop being so afraid, just get it all down nice and straightforward and truthful! Yeah, I could've just used the actual bullet point formatting but food emoji is much more exciting of course :D I literally can’t think anymore about last week, I’m just so overwhelmed with this week, my head hurts with the mental effort x^x I decided to go back to using the pc, the app is good for brief things only I guess.

In terms of doing something brave or well out of my comfort zone, I walked down a few streets on my own and went to collect some post. It’s something I’ve done before (though not completely on my own) but I still had a hella awkward time at the desk cause the queue was kind of jumbled and idk if the person before me was actually someone that came after, I thought maybe they were an employee and went behind them instead or maybe they skipped in front idk ugh... I really suck at looking and remembering people’s faces sometimes.

If I wanted to go somewhere else on my own my parents would probably not let me go and my dad would lecture me all the safety things even more than usual (seriously, I get the don’t talk to strangers type of line every single time..!). I’m not a child, I shouldn’t have to ask for permission and this time I didn’t ask, I just said where I was going and why and left but if I tried that to go anywhere else then they’d get ruffled. But the main thing is the communication again I guess, as long as they are informed, it’ll lessen the stress and make them more open to me taking my own initiative. 

Like I understand they want me to be safe, it’s what parents do and I obviously don’t want to run into any trouble too, but sometimes being too overprotective and overly cautious means I’m just stuck and can’t grow at all. It just goes to make me even more scared of the world, when I should be out there doing things like everyone else, it sucks. 

I know in parents eyes, their daughters and sons will always be their kids, their babies, but at some point they will see them as adults too and well, that just isn’t happening for me. I haven’t proven myself worthy of the adult title and I also feel I don’t deserve it yet, it seems a long way off still but it feels so ridiculous, but what is age but just a number anyways, everyone goes at different paces. I shouldn’t dwell on this too much and just try my best to prove to myself, yes myself first and foremost, that I can be an adult, I can be responsible and independent at least a little more. I need a better action plan really... besides the vague, get a job, learn to drive, cook etc. idk what else @^@” I’m getting a little ahead of myself with even this though, gotta not forget, take things slow and gradually, baby steps!! ^^

In my other endeavours with art and posting things online, it’s just come to a stand still or gone backwards actually, I’ve just gotten so scared again, I can’t put a pen to paper or even leave a comment on other people’s stuff anymore and it feels really awful, like why can’t I just do it and forget about feeling foolish or judged or inadequate, I keep overthinking again gdi..!! >^< I keep wanting to plan things and have things all perfect and ready instead of just getting things done as I go like other people... damn, I keep saying like other people, constantly comparing myself to them, that’s another reason I’ve gotten scared to try again with anything. 

Gosh, these unhelpful habits are for reals and are the worst, at least I’m more aware of them though, maybe I can fight them back a bit better now that I know how draining and evil they are... Okay! I challenge you unhelpful habits!! Imma throw you in the trash and get my ass moving! You’ve got nothing on me! I can do it!! Ugh... ;^; No no, no sad! Fight fight fight! Go go go! ò^ó

My sis got me a lot of gifts relating to art, she encourages me through this and her kind words and wants me to do well, I want me to do well too and to show my gratitude with action, so imma do well and make a lot of nice arts to be proud of! They don’t have to be perfect! I saw a quote that was something like ‘even the pages on your bad days are better than the ones on the days you did nothing’ (I just totally butchered that lol) or something like that and it was like, damn, that’s true. A little practice even if it’s not serious is better than nothing at all! Okay okay I’m pumped!

The stuff I had to do this week is to help out at the front of the shop, gain some experience and converse with customers..! I already attempted it once for a short time and welp, it was scary but I guess not that bad (also I kinda botched up a phone order maybe) but I keep reading into things too deeply and negatively and it scared me off and now as usual the week is ending and my opportunities to try are limited, need to get my ass in gear, c’mon I can do it! Don’t be afraid, you’re doing well, keep going! ^^”... go go go! ^u^

Maybe I can kill 2 birds with one stone, sit and observe but also draw, space is limited though so idk if it’ll work out but there’s no harm giving it a try I guess. Must not forget to fill in that emotions/thoughts sheet ugh, I should have done it as I actually do stuff but I do things in bad and unconventional ways. Need to break a lot of habits. I downloaded this app that is supposed to help you build new healthy habits, so far all it’s wanted me to do is to drink water when I wake up so I feel more energised lol but I did it and it does help, I wonder if I can build a lot of other good habits too, it certainly makes things feel more fun in a way.

Everyday in my mind I want to look over the days happenings in a more positive light and congratulate myself for all the small things I did that I maybe I wouldn’t have some weeks ago, so I can see how much I actually improved and have put effort in. Even though on the surface it just all seems meh, I want to let myself see how things have actually become a little easier and how the negative thoughts relating to them has begun to affect me less and take up less space in my conscious. Be proud of yourself and all your endeavours, silly!

Hmm, this post is probably shorter than my usual one but oh well, I don’t want to spend too much time rambling or ruminating or being a paralysed perfectionist, I’ve got other bigger fish to fry! And draw and eat omnomnom! Yolo! x3

Okay okay, now I’m going to go do some artsy fartsy stuff or at least have myself set up for it and my conversing/experience gaining challenge hoo! Believe in yourself, you can do it! Let’s go go! :D

Have a lovely evening and keep trying, keep flying! ^^

[sanguinesprout]

The sky is a beautiful blue today~ (Some updates, nicer things, random snippets of memories and why I write about weather so much lol)

I was thinking maybe I should write about something lighter, like the things I did recently, in particular the good things, my small triumphs and such c: 

I’ve spent a lot more time out with my sister (and sometimes her bf and my mum) recently, especially in the case of going shopping~! I bought quite a lot of nice tops with interesting and motivating text based designs on them (maybe I’ll photograph them sometime), and some of them were on sale too yay! :3 Usually I try and avoid going out too many times in a row or when I don’t feel mentally prepared beforehand but I went and it was alright! Though some of the times I had no choice as I had a doctors appointment, but instead of just going home I went to the shops or the supermarket afterwards and had a nice long browse around~ 

I used to remember a long long time ago when I was younger I really did not enjoy shopping and would always constantly be asking when we could go home lol but now it’s pretty fun (apart from the fact I’m actually really poor). Also a long time ago I would trail around after my sis or whoever, but now I go off on my own and look at whatever I feel but sometimes my sis trails after me instead lol and likes to moan about me looking at things too slowly quite a lot. It makes me anxious but I told her about it so she does it less or I’ll tell her to go look at something else, cause I like taking my sweet time yo >3< I don’t mean like I only started doing this recently haha, but it did take quite a few years before I felt confident enough to go around on my own and actually enjoy it. I would go shopping completely on my own and take public transport after college and uni sometimes and such, I feel I’ve kind of taken a step back since then but I’m not back at square one at least I guess, it’s something!

I still feel awkward and anxious when people are blocking the way of an aisle or when they’re looking at the same rack of stuff, but I’m gonna try and push these feelings aside, be more assertive and so and so. There were also times where certain unusual situations were kind of traumatic for me and maybe I’ll write or draw about them sometime, but they’re not important and I shouldn’t keep thinking back on them and feeling hurt. I still sometimes get that ‘lost kid that has to look down every aisle and worries everyone already paid and left’ feeling after wandering around when I go to the supermarket with my parents lol, because they are all about being quick so they can go home and get ready for work and stuff, but having a phone now unlike when I was a kid and didn’t have one makes everything suck much less hah take that!

Anyways, back to the present! The weather has been pretty flip floppy lately, on some few random days the weather was real hot and some super rainy and cold and some calm and neutral, like today. I really love when it spontaneously rains so hard and immediately after the sky is such a wonderful clear blue, I feel it’s analogous to when you have are suddenly overcome with negative emotions and once they pass you feel at ease and can think with clarity again aka. the calm after the storm. I really like the weather and making weird metaphors about it as you could probably tell already lolol. The weather is just something that’s always there, something that affects mood but is also so moody itself, something everyone experiences and uses for small talk and something so mundane but also wonderful and unpredictable (unless you look at the forecast everyday, I mean it’s real easy to check on the phone widget but I don’t haha, as much as I talk about it I don’t worship the weather channel or anything lol) ^^ 

Oh also in relation to this, when I said I was going to write this blog a bit more like a diary, it made me think of a time when I was little and my mum bought me a diary book. It was a simple Winnie the Pooh diary with a gold lock and guess what I wrote in it hahahaha I wrote in huge writing on each page a 3-4 word sentence of how the weather was that day LOL It was super wasteful and my sis and mum were like what even?! XD I’ve had lots of diaries since then and lots of attempts at writing about actual things but I’ve never been able to keep it up past a few days. I just hope this blog doesn’t die out like my past diaries or become a brief weather description collection either hahaha. Today’s post title is kinda like a tribute or slightly more advanced version of my kiddie diary x3

Okay enough about that lol! One of the days recently I went to the park~! I did say I wanted to go and my sister suggested it. It was some time in the afternoon on a weekday so it wasn’t to busy. It was pleasant and refreshing to go walkies sine I hadn’t gone there for a while, even though I really really hate all kinds of bugs (and things that have bugs in them, like trees) and shriek and flail at their presence lol. I saw some pretty flowers, sat on the see saw with my sis briefly (which I was nervous about cuz there were kids around and well I’m not a kid anymore *sob* but I will always be a kid at heart and so will my sis, so I did it anyways! Yolo, gotta sit my but on all the things next time XD). I also saw the duckies! Or well I think they were actually geese but they were so pretty and derpy and their little floofy babies omg! ;w; Soooo cute!! I definitely want to go see them again sometime :D I’ve come to kind of dislike zoos (and aquariums too) because I feel so bad seeing some of them so distressed looking and it feels unfair that they have to live in such a contained and artificial space without choice, but when there’s wildlife living free like the duckies in the lake, it’s just such a pleasant thing to witness.

Oh also some good today was I cooked my own breakfast...kinda... It was just a fried egg with tuna in it pretty much and there was rice too (made in a rice cooker not by me lol) but I cooked the egg part! It takes so much convincing for me to be able to do just this. My mum and dad don’t like me hanging around the kitchen because ‘you’re too slow’ and ‘you’ll make a mess’ etc. I know they keep babying me and want things to go smoothly their way... but it needs to change! I don’t want to be dependant forever :c I was persistent this time and I’m glad! :D And I also suggested that maybe everyday I could maybe learn something new from them, whether it be just some small technique or a recipe or whatever. I am lacking in well... life skills because I was never taught or allowed to do certain things, like cooking for example. I can make something easy like instant ramen or pasta, but they usually handle all meals and don’t let me experiment or cook for reals. The only thing they really trust me with is making tea and sandwiches and the only time I cooked something from a recipe was cooking class at school a long time ago lol. Sometimes I help my sister bake stuff, but they get annoyed at her too for being in the way and stuff, but she isn’t a weak spirited person like me so she just carries on haha.

I can watch video tutorials all I want but it’ll never be useful without actual execution and practice, you know! >< My dad is a chef and is particularly prideful of his cooking, and also quick to insult and get annoyed for small mistakes, so it’s gonna be tough but I’m gonna try anyways! Lately I’ve been trying harder to just chat and bond with my dad more, we watch drama/animation series together at supper which is nice~! (Even though he feigns reluctance to watch and that he’s interested sometimes lol). Conversation is particularly hard because of the language barrier, but if I make the conversation about learning language like I did the other day and maybe now even about learning cooking stuff, then maybe things will go at a much better pace :D 

I also drew some things I was kind of happy about lately, and didn’t give up on trying to interact online even though I really wanted to! I need to get my stuff organised and start posting stuff! I feel like the longer I leave it, the less it’s making me wanna do it, stop it perfection, you’re unnecessary! x^x I really hate having an empty account, it makes me feel like a creep (like on youtube it’s okay but on other places it’s unusual, right?) ;^; Something I keep forgetting is that there is no rules and no obligations for me (or anyone else) to do anything or feel anything. There’s no right or wrong, silly self! I need to stop worrying so much and just go for it! Yolo the hell out of everything (maybe that’s not quite the right phrase lol) and just stop falling into the paralysis by analysis trap! X3 Imma try harder! ò^ó

Uh uhhh before I end this, I have some update-y stuff on my therapy situation... I have my first appointment tomorrow! I’m so nervous!! xAx The funny thing though (or well, not really), is that when my doctor was giving me options on who to see, I could either go for the general therapist who works in the same facility or to go for the referral service for a more specific recommendation. I opted for the second in hope that I could see someone with a specialism in idk... AVPD or personality disorders (if there is a such thing), but it seems I’ve ended up going full circle and ending up getting recommended to the general therapist back here >< I mean, at least it’s convenient and better than nothing I suppose... Anyways, I don’t know how it’ll go so I shouldn’t make any assumptions or have any wild expectations. I can do this! It’ll be okay! I’m glad I got a female therapist, because I get even more nervous around guys and the one I had in the past was ahhh idk... maybe I’ll write about it with whatever I write about after the app tomorrow. I just hope it goes well! 

Don’t give up! You can do it! Have a nice day~! :3