#remember 8tracks. those were the days

[florbelles]

found some of my old sile playlists from ye olde shmagon shmage days....

[astriiformes]

Someone reblogged the Lilith playlist with a tag saying it had 2014 8tracks vibes (as a compliment, to be clear) and I'm having a bit of a moment about it

Because not only is that exactly the era I cut my teeth as a little baby fanmixer back in the day, but also, two of the very first playlists I ever posted on there were aro/ace Mako Mori and Newt Geiszler ones for Ace Week in October 2014 (one specifically on a day for making aro fanworks, because this was before the ace and aro awareness events had totally diverged). Long enough ago that one of them has the old black-and-grey-and-yellow-and-green aro flag on it, which at this point is even more of a relic than 8tracks itself.

And now I'm just thinking about like.... obviously I haven't stoppped making ace and aro fanworks based off headcanons, but back then, it was because I didn't have anything other than headcanons and couldn't have made one for a canon character if I'd wanted to (and I really, really wanted to).

I vividly remember reading the same two or three aro Pacific Rim headcanon fics over and over again around that same time, and one in particular that centered on my favorite character being in a queerplatonic relationship. I was just a little baby aro/ace back then, too, and had only just started identifying as both the year before. And of course being in high school there were a lot of things I couldn't envision about the future, but I knew I was still looking for some version of it in those stories, even though there weren't very many of them. To the point that I started saving them for the nights I was feeling the loneliest and saddest about my future, because I didn't want them to lose their impact. Except even with their help, it was still hard to picture ever finding someone who wanted the same sort of thing as me.

So now I'm sitting here feeling some kind of way about being 26 instead of 17, and the community history stretching between then and now and those playlists and this one (the new/current flag design, ASAW being a thing at all), and sitting on the couch last year listening to the TOH charity stream and shouting across the room at Scribe when they played the reading of Lilith's letter, and the handful of other aro/ace characters I get to hold onto these days, and also about living with Scribe at all -- years and years after I met her because she got excited about another playlist I posted to 8tracks.

[sciencegeniusgirlshowdown]

Was there a character or characters that inspired you to make this poll?

I could truthfully probably attribute it to a few assorted Science Genius Girls that I've been a fan of throughout my lifetime (a good chunk of which have already been submitted at least once!) but I wouldn't really say there's any one specific character that made me want to make this. I'm generally a very large fan of both glasses girls and shitty cocky arrogant girls, and a good chunk of the middle-ground between those two tropes consists of more traditional Science Genius Girls! So this was really just a whole ton of factors coming together to make this happen.

While I'm sure that wasn't particularly the answer you were looking for, I can give you a different piece of inspiration for the blog! When I was younger I would listen to and make a lot of playlists on 8tracks, and while listening to a playlist for one of my Science Genius Girls (I can't remember which one specifically anymore, sadly) I heard this remix of Freezepop's, well, Science Genius Girl! I immediately put the song on one of my Science Genius Girl/Science Genius Girl playlists. So if anyone was wondering where the URL and title of this blog came from, now you know! I know Science Genius Girl isn't really a widely recognized trope name, but it's always been what I've called fictional girls that fall into this sort of niche in my brain since that day.

[peachpitss]

made a playlist for chara and a playlist for chara & asriel bc i have One Brain Cell

[robinsnest2111]

Seems like I lost my hard-earned art skills in the past few weeks, this is all I can manage...

At least Toki in a cat-themed outfit with leg warmers is cute :’) (the “neko atsume ruined me” mix on 8tracks was a big inspo)

[uvena]

by itself the sentence “i want to be your vacuum cleaner” is funny but hearing i wanna be yours makes me feel like an airplane in a tailspin

[hyperbali]

hi Bali this is probably odd but. I remember literal yeeears ago you shared an 8track playlist for your warden and cullen. and i remember, when i was a teen i had this playlist on repeat. i just remembered that memory and i know our dragon age days may be behind us but if you remember where i could find it, or what the songs were on it, that would unlock a big memory and would mean a lot. either way thank you for sharing it then, it was very special for getting me through bad days :)

That is so sweet 🥺 (that's a really sad playlist, tho, you okay anon??)

I found the old link to it here, including the written playlist - since Spotify doesn't have some of the songs, I went ahead and recreated it on YouTube

Ah, man, looking at this old art is making me tempted to recreate it, lmao. I remember some of those songs being contemporary at the time, too, so seeing the "posted 11 years ago" notes... 💀

[biletdoux]

stages of love | j.jh TEASER

Pairing: jung jaehyun (nct) + female!reader

Rating: G (teaser), M (completed work)

Genre + Tropes: college!au, romance (angst, fluff, smut)

Warnings: none (in the teaser), full warning list will be posted with completed work

Length: 1.7k+ (teaser), TBA (completed work)

Summary: A playlist for the trials and tribulations of a beating heart.

(Or; your relationship with Jung Jaehyun in ten songs.)

Note: I didn’t intend to post a teaser, but maybe it will motivate me to write faster if I at least just put something out?? maybe lol. Story is based on an 8track playlist I found years ago which has been lost over time. I tried writing this story many times, but I finally got to it, so we’ll see how it goes. Let me know what you think ! <333

1. Peach by IU

smitten at first sight.

“How can I explain this feeling?”

“Alright, I think that sums up about everything we need to cover for today’s lecture. Remember, most of this will be in your final exam. Any questions before you’re all dismissed?” 

Your professor looks up from the board, scans the room and all he sees are most of the students waiting with bated breath, itching to leave the class, and half of those students having already packed their belongings in anticipation. He held them back an extra twenty five minutes today, which is notably longer than previous lectures in which he delayed dismissal.

“Okay, you’re free to go. Chapters nineteen and twenty are due the next time we meet.”

You breathe out a sigh of relief, ready to head out with the rest of the class. You like Professor Jang and find that he makes history somewhat digestible, but he had a tendency to lose track of time, which is inconvenient, but more so today since you had agreed to meet up with Yeri. You glance at your phone to see text notifications and curse to yourself. You’re already ten minutes late and Yeri is many things and impatient is one of them. 

You’re one of the first out of the small lecture hall and you shoot her a quick reply before making your way to the oncampus cafe. Through quickened strides and shortcuts engrained from cross-campus treks from class to class, you arrive in record time. You’re slightly out of breath and impressed by your speed, but you stop, frozen in your tracks when you see Yeri’s displeased face. You find her situated in a small, but cozy corner next to the windows, already unpacked with notebooks and papers strewn on the desk ready to review for exams. It's one of the best study spots in the cafe and you immediately know your best friend had to come extra early to nab such a sought after table. 

“About time,” she scowls, “what took you so long?”

You shoot her an apologetic look, “aww, Yeri,” you pout your lips a little too dramatically, “I’m sorry. I just came from history and you know how Professor Jang is.” 

Yeri looks at your jutted lips in disgust, but then her face softens in consideration. “Hm, I do know Jang.” She scrunches up her nose remembering her time in his class last semester. “That old man can talk for days on end and he never lets anyone leave class early. I guess I’ll let you go this time.” 

You beam at her knowing she’s no longer angry for your tardiness. “Great, drinks are on me today. It’s the least I can do for being late.” Yeri forgives as easily and as quickly as she loses her temper. You learned this after a few weeks of being her roommate. 

Yeri says nothing in silent agreement and you place your stuff down across the table next to the chair she reserved for you. You pull out your wallet and weave through the packed cafe to head to the order counter. The line is long and you patiently review the menu. Your roommate has consistent tastes and always orders a vanilla frappuccino regardless of which cafe she goes to, but you base your decision on your mood. You mull over your choices and by the time you reach the barista taking your order, you decide you’re in an ‘iced Americano’ kind of mood today. You have exams on top of exams you need to review for and a stronger caffeine kick is much needed.

After paying, you head back to the table with two drinks in tow. Yeri takes her drink and after you both take a few sips and catch up for the day, you dive straight to work. The two of you decide to review for statistics. 

Between re-summarizing chapters and answering review questions, you muse to yourself about how your college experience thus far hasn't been that much different from your high school life. You didn’t necessarily hate high school, per say, but it was safe to say you didn’t enjoy it. Your heart was in the arts, specifically music, and you had found studying the core subjects to be boring and tedious. You remember being ecstatic to have been accepted and enrolled in a music college, foolishly thinking your days of solving differential equations and memorizing chemical formulas were over. You specifically remember daydreaming of your hours being filled with keyboard practice and composition notes and only such things. Somehow the reality of mandatory general education courses slipped your mind when you constructed such fantasies.

Despite frivolous and preconceived notions of college, you have already survived a semester and you are nearly through your second. 

“Hey, do you remember when this stats assignment is due?” Yeri’s inquiring voice snaps you out of your brief reverie and you search your cluttered brain for a date.

“Uh, I think it’s due, like, a few days before the final, but I’d have to double check.” 

Yeri nods. “Alright, well let’s take a small break. We have some time till then, we don’t have to finish all of it today.” 

You happily agree and set down your pen. Yeri takes a sip of her frappuccino and you lean over the table to get closer to her. “Anyway, did you hear about what happened with Jiwon and Youngjae from the entertainment management department?”

Her eyes glisten with wicked interest. “No. Do tell.”

Break time is always synonymous with gossip hour between you and Yeri. 

You spend the next fifteen minutes dishing what you know and Yeri offers her own input whenever she feels fit. 

“And they think they’re being discreet, but the whole dorm knows they’ve been sneaking around, but guess wha─�� Before you can finish your sentence, you were cut off by a loud and energetic voice calling out Yeri’s name.

The two of you look up to see a slim and boyish brunet waving to Yeri and excitedly making his way to your table. He looks vaguely familiar, but you can’t quite place your finger on it, so you let it go.

He smiles happily at Yeri and greets her. “Hey Yeri, how’s it going?” He notices you there and gives you a polite wave, which you return in the same manner.

Yeri replies back breezily, but with her full attention. “Good. Did you need anything, Mark?” 

He flushes just the slightest bit, but it doesn’t escape your eyes. “Erm, nothing I just wanted to remind you that we’re meeting for the music theory project tomorrow at four. I would’ve texted, but I forgot to get your number in class, and I saw you here and thought it was a good opportunity to tell you.” 

Yeri’s eyes widen, “ah right! I completely forgot about it. It’s a good thing you found me here today, huh? Here, I’ll give you my number.”

She reaches her hand out her hand expectantly, and Mark is confused before scrambling to pull out his phone. You can tell Mark looks flustered while Yeri is calmly putting in her contact information. After finishing, she hands his phone back, “okay, all set. Just shoot me a text so I have your number as well. Thanks for reminding me today or I probably would’ve forgotten and not have shown up.” 

Mark smiles again, this time a little more sure than before. “All good. I’ll see you tomorrow, Yeri.” 

They wave goodbye and you watch Mark scamper from the cafe. Your eyes follow him, but Yeri is already focused on you again, paying Mark’s retreating form no mind. 

“So…” you start.

“So?” She returns.

“He’s cute.”

“Yeah, maybe,” she shrugs. “I barely know him though. We have music theory together, but this is the first time we’ve talked all semester and we’re only talking because we got paired up for a project.”

Yeri seems apathetic and you study her closely. You notice she’s acting a little too stiffly carefree to be truly indifferent to the situation. You can’t help, but to tease her a bit. “Well, make the most out of this project then.”

Yeri gives you a hard look and you decide to let it go despite finding your best friend’s situation to be amusing. 

“Anyway, keep telling me about Jiwon and Youngjae. You never finished.” Yeri changes the topic, knowing that you might decide to pester her again if she doesn’t.

“As I was saying,” you started up again. A figure outside catches your attention and you peer outside through the window past Yeri’s shoulders. You realize it’s Mark and you watch with interest as he gestures excitedly, pointing to something in his hand, you assume his phone, to some of his friends. From there your eyes wander absentmindedly from one person to the next, and it’s when you see him. 

The reaction is almost instantaneous. 

“Like you were saying?” Yeri urges, but her words fall on deaf ears, for all your attention is captured by the boy next to Mark with heart-shaped lips.

When you see said boy laugh, you notice he has moon for eyes and you unconsciously suck in a sharp breath. You must have been staring too intently without noticing because he turns his head in your direction and you two hold direct eye contact. Like a deer caught in headlights, you freeze and lose all rational thought. Your head is completely blank. You have never seen someone so beautiful and your mind does not know how to process any sensory information at the moment.

Someone calls the boy away and the entire group of friends leave. It’s only then do you find yourself releasing a breath you didn’t know you had been holding onto so tightly. Your heart is pounding and you feel as though blood is rushing through your ears. 

“Hello?” Yeri sounds annoyed, but you struggle to find the words to answer her. 

You feel a sudden heat rush to color your cheeks a vibrant red and a feeling surges through you that leaves you out of breath and weak at the knees. A steady warmth washes over you quietly and you feel it deep within yourself and you can’t help but let out a small laugh.

How silly, you muse. Not to be dramatic, but you think you’re in love.

[imgoingtocrash]

Made of Iron, Born of Fire: The Fanmix 

by @imgoingtocrash

Listen on Spotify and 8tracks

Read the series on Ao3

AKA: A labor of love for @savvysass’s birthday!!!!

What can I say that hasn’t already been said because we’re both incredibly sappy people in our Author’s Notes? Writing this series with you has brought me so much joy in the last two years, and I never could have hit over 100k words without you. Here’s to whatever we write next in the series...and all of the WIPs we’re working on right now...and only god knows what’s next for us personally and professionally...and most importantly, to you on your Birthday. Thank you for being such a good friend, in both fandom and outside of it. I’m so, so thankful to know you and love you. 🥰

Director’s Cut Below, because we all know I love talking about this series, and yes, that does extend to why I picked these songs. (And also maybe because these song choices only make sense in my brain and hopefully Savannah’s?? Who knows! Feel free to ask questions if you want but let’s be honest this series and fanmix are most importantly for us, because we love the series so dang much.)

My Wildest Dreams by Ron Pope

I spoke in riddles and in rhymes, but my time with you has taught me to simplify, you’re not quite what I pictured you would be, you’re better than my wildest dreams.

We’ve talked about this one before, and I’LL TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN!!!! Ron Pope is so good imo, and this song wowowow the father-child feels, but especially with Tony and newborn Peter a la A Foreign Feeling and A First Time For Everything.

Big & Scared by Raleigh Ritchie

I want to be better for you, let me do that now, you’re my favorite human, so you should be prepared, I’ll help you get through it, when you’re big and scared

We’ve mentioned Tony’s thoughts about legacy multiple times by now, and I think this song really represents Tony looking forward to the person Peter could be become and that “breaking the cycle” mentality of supporting Peter even when he’s not a perfect father.

Legacy of Sadness by Ron Pope

irrational as it may seem I guess I’m sorry, even though I know that none of it’s my fault, it is easier for me to count my blessings, than to cry for every single thing we’ve lost

I have 0 shame putting these two songs by Ron Pope almost back to back because they’re the opening and closing of an album dedicated to his child like...it’s so perfect for Tony and this theme of reflection on who he is and who Peter will become/is becoming and all that entails.

this is me trying by Taylor Swift

They told me all of my cages were mental, so I got wasted like all my potential, and my words shoot to kill when I'm mad, I have a lot of regrets about that

I wrote something...very sad but also soft recently??? and this is for That it’s about pre-CW Pepperony being separated and the road to them trying to come back together including Tony working on himself and I love it!!! It hurts really good!!! This whole song is perfect for it and I can’t wait until people get to read it.

Be Good When I’m Gone by Four Year Strong

I'm sorry I can't stop to listen, but I've got so much to do and I've got some place to be, the house looks like the aftermath of a hurricane, I hope it stays that way

Tony being a busy parent but doing his best to make time for Peter in his life and making that time count has been something super important to illustrate to us, especially the transition from being a CEO to being a superhero and how that changes how Peter sees Tony’s absence over time.

I Won’t Back Down by Johnnyswim, Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors, and Penny and Sparrow

Tony puts on the original version by Tom Petty in Home Is Where The Heart Is, but I think this cover has a very slow, emotional undertone that’s really great too. The interludes, if you didn’t catch it, have all been featured in a fic previously.

Let It Matter by Johnnyswim

So if it matters let it matter, if your heart's breaking let it ache, catch those pieces as they scatter, know your hurt is not in vain

Pepper in Never Tell Me The Odds ALL DAYYYYY. She’s the emotional rock of that fic (and of our Ironfam TBH) and it’s all because she allows herself to feel her feelings and encourages the Stark boys to do so as well.

Simmer - Acoustic by Hayley Williams

And if my child, needed protection, from a fucker like that man, I’d sooner gut him, cause nothing cuts like a mother

Post-Home Is Where The Heart Is...y’all know Pepper’s not that mad about what happened to Obie. Also just Pepper when someone hurts her family?? I always write it as her sort of putting all of her emotion into something she can control and doing it well, so, this song is all about that.

Tightrope by Nia Hendricks

one step after another, keep holding on to each other, don’t look back, move on and let go, that’s how you walk on a tightrope

Pepperony trying to navigate their relationship and the insanity of superhero stuff and also co-parenting. It’s all excellent, I love them so much, I enjoy writing it so much!!!!

Dancing With Your Ghost by Sasha Sloan

Never got the chance, to say a last goodbye, I gotta move on, but it hurts to try, how do I love, how do I love again?

This song is tilted towards romance, but if you’ll remember, we’re a Pro-Tony Survives Endgame AU series, so it’s not about THAT...but well...Infinity War sure will hit something fierce for certain non-romantic relationships in this series, huh?

The Bones by Maren Morris

Call it dumb luck, but baby, you and I, can't even mess it up, although we both try, no, it don't always go the way we planned it, but the wolves came and went and we're still standing

Post-Endgame Ironfam!!! Tony and Pepper married with their kids, their family and HAPPY...THIS IS WHY WE DO ALL OF THE ANGST...FOR A FAMILY...WE LOVE THEM

Carry on Wayward Son by Kansas

Considered Pepper and Peter’s ‘song’, as it’s referenced multiple times in the series, and was one of the bigger solidifying moments of their mother-son relationship as a whole.

Mundane by Hardcastle

And I’ve been sinking into silence, dwelling on my thoughts, and in these months, I haven’t felt that most conversations have left me anything but blue

Peter’s selective mutism was something very special to us when we originally had the idea, and making sure we talk about it and utilize it in the right way is something we’re still working on, particularly with the Therapy Fic we’re brainstorming atm.

survivin’ (One Eyed Jack’s Session) by Bastille

What can I say? I'm survivin', crawling out these sheets to see another day, what can I say? I'm survivin', and I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna be fine, I think I'll be fine

Spoiler Alert: Peter’s not fine, like, a decent amount of the time. But he’s sure trying, and we love him for that.

Jacob from the Bible by Jake Wesley Rogers

Mama, don't worry, it took me years, to say I'm sorry, to see your tears, Mama, forgive me, I grew up too fast, but it's not on you, it's in the past

Mostly part of Peter growing up to become a hero and realizing what his parents--particularly Pepper--have gone through for him to become the person he is today, but that sometimes he still doesn’t feel like he’s making them proud enough.

Compassion Is a German Word by To Kill A King

Don't be so arrogant, you ain't no different to anyone I've met, we're all the heroes in our own film, or maybe the villain in someone else's

Spider-Man being an excellent superhero boi!!! Being kind and good!!! We love it!! Also, I put a TKAK song on...a LOT of my playlists, because I think they’re great.

brutal by Olivia Rodrigo

And I'm so sick of seventeen, where's my fucking teenage dream?, if someone tells me one more time, "Enjoy your youth", I'm gonna cry

I mean...this song is such a Teenage Mood...I had to do it...

In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning by Frank Sinatra

So, I had this cute little scene in my head that went with this song for SO LONG but there wasn’t really anything for it to fit into so...yeah that’s part 2 of Savannah’s Birthday Gift, a little soft Baby Peter drabble. Fluffy Goop from top to bottom. That can be read here.

Home by Phillip Phillips

Just know you're not alone, 'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

...I know it’s not original, okay? It’s found family, it’s great, I don’t care!

Comes and Goes (In Waves) by Greg Laswell

And this part was for her, and this part was for her, this part was for her, does she remember?

This song is good family angst in general BUT these specific lyrics made me think of Mary and that they never forget her in their lives despite the other stuff going on (because we refuse to let them).

I Have Made Mistakes by The Oh Hellos

I have made mistakes, I continue to make them, the promises I've made, I continue to break them, and all the doubts I've faced, I continue to face them, but nothing is a waste if you learn from it

No one in the Ironfam is perfect, but they all do their best to try and grow even when they’re scared they’ll never be able to. The ups and downs are all par for the course of this series to us.

Easy Days - Demo by Bastille

Cause I don’t wanna fall back again, back into the easy days, everything was so simple then, little fires burned away

Strife is a part of life, and the family in this fic growing through their loss and struggles and moving ahead as a unit to get to a better place is super central to making the fic what it is...but it’s easy for them to remember the old days before being superheroes and wishing it was simple again.

North by Sleeping At Last

Let the years we’re here be kind, be kind, let our hearts like doors open wide, open wide, settle our bones like wood over time, over time, give us bread, give us salt, give us wine

The way Tony went from feeling so alone to having an entire built family that’s so full of love and everything he never dreamed of...*screams into my pillow* I love this series so much thank you and good night!!!

[callingallcars]

please tell me about your serious real life opnions about check yes juliet i would like to know them

check yes juliet is the best pop punk/ emo song ever and i will die on this hill.

(sorry in advance but i have too many opinions to not section it off so see my dissertation or w/e under the cut)

why it is the best:

- Forbidden love between misunderstood weird kid and girl next door trope, choose ur character

- angst but not like, an amount that makes u cringe at ur younger self for

- just enough teenage rebellion that ur parents probably wouldn’t forbid you from listening to it/ watching the video even if they were super strict about ur music but ur still like hell yeah i got away w something

- the one parent in the song that eventually understands that their child is gonna live their life and do teenager shit and its part of being a kid and maybe they understand bc they remember what it was like to be they were a parent (ah, if only, ykno?)

- everything abt this song and mv is queer-coded no i will not elaborate

- the lyrics “run baby run dont ever look back theyll tear us apart if you give them the chance” and “they can change the locks dont let them change your mind” do you understand how much this Hits when u have incredibly strict parents and also when ur Not Straight

- is somehow one of the very few songs that you can mosh to And just dance to at emo night like idk what it is but this is just one of those songs that it didnt matter what type of alt kid u were like. u knew this song. u love this song. its everyones song (songs like tbp can be more emotional and often have vastly different impacts on different people. check yes juliet is just a completely level playing field)

- like its literally the mr brightside of pop punk/ emo

- somehow doesnt get annoying if u play it on repeat

- literally the perfect length for itself

- iconic intro guitar riff

i could very well just have a heavy bias, bc check yes juliet is The Song that got me fully into emo/pop punk music when i was younger; i discovered it accidentally the one time i managed to get onto youtube on a computer at school (bc youtube was blocked at my house until i was like. 16 probably.) while i was looking up the soundtrack to a very old wii game that had The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls on it (this game is also responsible for my simple plan phase) and it was recommended.

my parents both listen to similar music, my mom really likes evanescence and linkin park and green day and fob and my dad loves anything grunge so i still loved this type of music growing up but it was like. My Parents Music, not mine? and i was Very into grooveshark and 8tracks playlists bc i could finally like. discover My music ~secretly~ and i guess i heard Check Yes Juliet and something cliqued in my little pea sized brain and i think other than like some simple plan and five for fighting, this was the only song on all of my grooveshark playlists for a year (this was back when i didnt know how to make accounts on websites so i literally had to remake my playlists via screenshots and lists from songs i heard on the radio every frigging time)

idk dude i fucking love this song and i genuinely think it is the best song from that genre from that era of music, like objectively, closely followed by the great escape, the middle, im not ok, and misery business (in no particular order) <3

[highladyluck]

Wheel of Time Playlist

Mat Cauthon/Tuon Paendrag: The Soundtrack

Direct link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1LWolFwiwWQtcnQV7zceMj

30 songs, 1 hr 43 min. This is my take on the canonical arc of Mat Cauthon and Tuon Paendrag's relationship, told largely through swing music and 80s power ballads, with a few surprises here and there.

I put a lot of time and thought into this so I hope you enjoy it as much as I do! There are spoilers in the playlist and track listing for Winter's Heart through A Memory of Light, since this is meant to mirror the narrative. It's organized mostly chronologically, though a few songs cover multiple books, or reference scenes placed slightly out of order, to better alternate points of view.

The order will be preserved if you have a paid Spotify account. (I know that's not ideal; I tried for several hours to get this into 8tracks through a series of increasingly convoluted methods but wasn't able to, as I don't directly own the music used.) If you can't listen to it in order, I've got the track listing under the cut so you can at least see what I was trying to do.

Track List:

1)      Royals (feat. Cory Gray) – Jake Coco, Corey Gray

“I’m no lord. I’ve more respect for myself than that.”

And we'll never be royals (royals)/

It don't run in our blood

2)      Almost There – Anika Noni Rose

Behind her veil, she was merely the High Lady Tuon, of no higher rank than many others of the Blood, but in her heart, always, she was Tuon Athaem Kore Paendrag, Daughter of the Nine Moons, and she had come to reclaim what had been stolen from her ancestor.

Ain't got time for messin' around/

And it's not my style

 3)      Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Man – Sammy Hagar

“I’m a gambler, not a soldier. A lover.”

I ain't good looking, but you know I ain't shy/ Ain't afraid to look a girl in the eye

 4)      Primadonna – MARINA

 “She is my wife! Your bloody Daughter of the Nine Moons is my wife!”

Would you get down on your knees for me?/

Pop that pretty question, right now baby

 5)      Been Caught Stealing – Richard Cheese

And Mat and the others galloped out into the storm, carrying with them three Aes Sedai, two of them escaped damane, and the kidnapped heir to the Seanchan Crystal Throne, while behind them a far worse storm broke over Ebou Dar.

Walk right through the door/ Hey all right!/ If I get by, it's mine/ Mine all mine!

 6)      Luck Be A Lady – Frank Sinatra

“As soon as I can figure out how to send you home safe and sound, I will. I promise.”

[...]

“So long as you keep your promises, I will neither escape nor betray you in any way, nor will I cause dissension among your followers.”

Let’s keep this party polite/

Never get out of my sight/

Stick with me baby, I'm the guy that you came in with/

Luck be a lady tonight

 7)      Holding Out For A Hero – Bonnie Tyler

“Do you remember Hawkwing’s face, Toy?”

I'm holdin' out for a hero 'til the morning light/ He's gotta be sure/ And it's gotta be soon/ And he's gotta be larger than life

 8)      Play The Game – Queen

“I’ve changed my mind, Toy,” she murmured, placing the white stone carefully on the intersection of two lines near the center of the board. “You play very well.”

All you have to do is fall in love/

Play the game, everybody play the game/

Of love

 9)      Poker Face – Lady Gaga

Despite himself, Mat began to laugh. He threw his hat down on the floor and laughed. With everything, all his efforts, he did not know this woman at all! Not a bit! He laughed until his ribs hurt.

Can't read my, can't read my/ No, he can't read my poker face

 10)   Young Dumb And In Love – Mat Kearney

Her big eyes were dark pools a man could spend a lifetime swimming in. Her rare smiles could be mysterious or mischievous, and he prized them.

I'm talking much, and you don't make a sound/

The prettiest face and those rock-a-bye baby browns/

All I've waited for's come true/

To be young and dumb and in love

11)   Zebra – The Magnetic Fields

She was still beaming. Her big eyes shone. “She’s a very fine animal, Toy. A wonderful gift. Either you have a good eye, or you were very lucky.”

“I have a good eye, Precious,” he said warily. She seemed more delighted than even the razor called for.

so there's one thing I crave/ when my days become ho-hum and blah/ I want a zebra

 12)   Steppin’ Out With My Baby – Fred Astaire

He grinned at Tuon, who gave him a slight nod. He had missed this, dice in a common room or tavern, coin on the table, wondering how long his luck would hold. And a pretty woman at his side while he gambled. He wanted to laugh with pleasure.

Steppin' out with my honey/

Can't be bad to feel so good/

Never felt quite so sunny/

And I keep on knockin' wood

 13)   Mack the Knife – Louis Armstrong

Tuon nodded approvingly. The bloody woman was dying to see him get into a knife fight!

[...]

To him, the world consisted of his two knives and the men crowding each other to get at him, and his knives sought the places where men bleed most heavily. Some of those ancient memories came from men who had not been very nice at all.

You know when that shark bites

With his teeth, babe

Scarlet billows

Start to spread

Fancy gloves, though

Wears ol' Macheath, babe

So there's never, never a trace of red

 14)   Rescue Me – Fontella Bass

“If one army is out to kill you, then they probably all are, and there are too many soldiers between here and Ebou Dar. But don’t worry; I’ll find some way to get you back safely.”

[...]

His boot slid in a patch of blood, and as he staggered, he knew he was about to die.

Abruptly Tuon was there, left hand seizing the young woman’s wrist—not the wrist of the knife hand, worse luck—twisting so the arm went stiff and the girl was forced to double over.

Come on, baby, and rescue me/ 'Cause I need you by my side

 15)   Too Close For Comfort – Eydie Gormé

He bent his head to hers. She was far from the first woman he had kissed. He knew what he was about. Surprisingly—or then again, perhaps not so surprisingly—she did not know. She was a quick pupil though. Very quick.

Be wise, be smart, behave my heart,/ Don't upset your cart/ When he’s so close.

 16)   Fever – Michael Bublé

She laid fingers against his cheek. “I thought so,” she said in that slow honey drawl. “You’re feverish. Some of your wounds must be infected.”

[...]

Mat blinked. He gave her a kiss that had to have curled her toes, and all she said was that his face was hot?

When you put your arms around me/ I get a fever that's so hard to bear/ You give me fever when you kiss me/ Fever when you hold me tight

 17)   Burning Down The House – Tom Jones, The Cardigans

Karede felt as if Hartha had kicked him again. No, not Hartha. Aldazar. What madness was this? Cauthon looked like a man watching an arrow fly towards his face, knowing he had no chance to dodge.

“Bloody Matrim Cauthon is my husband. That is the wording you used, is it not?”

This had to be a fever-dream.

Watch out you might get what you're after/

Cool babies strange but not a stranger/

I'm an ordinary guy/

Burning down the house

 18)   Love Is A Battlefield – Pat Benatar

“The next time I see Seanchan, I expect it will be on the field somewhere, Tuon.” Burn him, it would be. His life seemed to run that way no matter what he did. “You’re not my enemy, but your Empire is.”

“Nor are you my enemy, husband,” she said coolly, “but I live to serve the Empire.”

Both of us knowing/ Love is a battlefield

 19)   Empire – Alpines

Tuon straightened her back. She had not thought to become Empress for many years yet. But she would do her duty.

[...]

Fortuona was empress.

 I'm building an empire/

I'm building with my body and soul/

I'm building an empire/

So little time and so much to do

 20)   Distant Stations – Andrew Bird

Stay well, you curious man, she thought, glancing back at the balcony, northward. Do not dig yourself into trouble deeper than you can climb to freedom. You are Prince of the Ravens now. Remember to act appropriately.

Wherever it is you are.

[...]

Thom finished by making a wavy line through the center, as one did at the start of any game of Snakes and Foxes.

[...]

Mat crouched beside a fern, unseen by the dozen or so Deathwatch Guards who stood in a ring around Tuon as she went through a series of fighting stances.

 It was a triangle/ With soft, round edges/ And a split down the middle of one corner

I waited for you/ But I never told you where I was/

I waited on the steps for you/ And I hid in the bushes whenever a car pulled into the parking lot

 21)   Black Coffee – Sarah Vaughan

I should very much like to have him back. She froze; she hadn’t meant to admit so much. She found her own emotions curious, however. She had felt safe with him, ridiculous though it seemed. And she wished he were with her now.

Black coffee/ Feelin' low as the ground/ It's drivin' me crazy/ This waitin' for my baby/ To maybe come around

 22)   Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps – Cake

“Love?” Tuon sounded surprised. “Perhaps we will come to love each other, Matrim, but I have always known I would marry to serve the Empire.”

[...]

“And do you love me?” he asked, forcing the words out.

 You won't admit you love me/

And so how am I ever to know?/

You only tell me/

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

 23)   Best of You (with Elle King) – Andy Grammar, Elle King

“When you saw me,” Mat explained, “with a dagger in hand—as if to throw at you—you didn’t call for your guards. You didn’t fear I was here to kill you. You looked over your shoulder to see what I was aiming at. That’s the most loving gesture I think a man could receive from a woman. Unless you’d like to sit on my knee for a little while…”

 'Cause the best of me loves the best of you/

And all the rest, I can see right through/

You trust in me and I'll trust you too/

'Cause the best of me, loves the best of you

 24)   Dance Me to the End of Love – Leonard Cohen

“I’m not going to sit on your knee,” Tuon said, pulling one arm out of her robe, exposing her breasts, “though I may allow you to sit on mine.”

 Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on/ Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long/ We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above/ Dance me to the end of love

 25)   Roll the Dice – Annie Vincent

Order in one hand—something known, something she could measure—chaos in the other. Chaos in the form of a one-eyed man who knew Artur Hawkwing’s face.

Had she not just told Selucia she would bet upon him?

Roll the dice (C'mon)/ Take a chance with life, just roll the dice/ This will be your time, so roll the dice/ And nothing's gonna stop you now - no, no, woah

 26)   Short Skirt/Long Jacket – Cake

She was something incredible, though. He felt a thrill each time she gave orders; she did it so naturally.

 I want a girl with a mind like a diamond/ I want a girl who knows what's best

 27)   They All Fall Down – XY Unlimited

“A last stand,” Mat said softly. “All of us, together, at a one place where the terrain favors us.”

 One by one the soldiers stumble/

See them as they stand and tumble/

You're here with me

 28)   Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off – Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong

“I’ve had it with you,” Knotai said, waving a hand at her. “You and your bloody Seanchan rules just keep getting in the way.”

“Then I have had it with you as well,” she said, raising her head.

[...]

“I suppose you give me the opportunity… perhaps the mandate… to follow what my heart would choose, whether or not it is wise.” She stood. “General Galgan, gather your troops. We return to the Field of Merrilor.”

 For we know we need each other/ So we better call the calling off off/ Let's call the whole thing off!

 29)   Never Knew I Needed – Kathryn

“Well, I guess I’m off the hook, now. You have an heir.”

“I have an heir,” Tuon said, “but I am the one off that hook. Now I can kill you, if I want.”

Mat felt his grin widen. “Well, we’ll have to see what we can work out. Tell me, do you ever play dice?”

 You are the best thing I never knew I needed/ So now it's so clear, I need you here always

 30)   Twin Human Highway Flares – The Mountain Goats

All he had to do was convince Tuon to forsake her throne and run off with him.

  You turned to me and asked me if I'd always be your boy/

As we drove across the river into western Illinois/

And on the railroad bridge, half a mile of solid steel/

Wheels were spitting out sparks, scraping at the rails

[latefrequencies]

.

it all comes around to a handful of things I suppose.....Joy Division and Withnail and I. i pair those things really strongly in my mind. stronger than makes sense. i mean I don’t know the reason for it, I loved them both very very much during the exact same time. I was 19 and I promised not to kill myself until age 24 because Ian Curtis killed himself when he was 23 and I wanted to make it to 24 because he didn’t get to. I don’t even know why. It wasn’t even especially about him because I wasn’t. really? that interested in him as a person? When I say I had An Ian Curtis Thing it sounds like I was obsessed with him, but it really wasn’t like that, it was more about the music. I suppose I was making a promise to the mind behind the music. To the origin of the music. To the origin of what I loved. To the origin of this thing I loved very much and in which I was very emotionally invested and which kept me very together a great amount of the time. 

I am of course talking about Joy Division and not about Withnail and I. the culture surrounding that film is strange. I’m calling it strange because I can’t think of a better word for it. I saw people heavily caught up in the culture of that film and I’ve seen things end less than ideally for them. I was caught up in it but I got out of it okay but I think that’s because I was trying VERY hard not to have my benzo use become too much of a habit (and the things I was hurting myself with at the time, the pills I was taking as self harm, they were not psychoactive, I may have had some with DPH in it not knowing that’s what it was at the time and perhaps some things could be explained by that. anyway though whenever I talked about pills I was talking about things I was trying to fuck my liver with for the fuck of it.) Anyway it’s strange. It’s strange that I only developed serious substance habits the further I found myself emotionally from that film. If I could make an X and Y axis chart of “amount of emotional investment in Withnail and I” and “intensity of drug habit”, you’d find a negative correlation between the two. VERY strange. perhaps I’m really the strangest thing of all.

There’s that thing in Withnail and I where Marwood gets the haircut and it’s like a Very Important Moment, he’s not the guy he was at the start of this whole thing and he’s got the hair to prove it. During the time Sebastian Blake Stott was most into Withnail and I, during that time he’d point out to me that my hair looked like Marwood’s and he’d say I was the Withnail to his Marwood and it was very true, both things were. And then three or so years later I found a bottle of hair dye at the pharmacy while getting the prescription pills to which I’d become so very addicted and I took it home and I tried dyeing my hair teal and it was a disaster at first but I got the hang of it and I’ve never really gone back. There’s never been a time since then that my hair’s been fully unbleached or undyed. The possibility for Marwood hair was gone.

Four weeks after Sebastian died was when I got out of my abusive then-home, after he couldn’t get out of his. He had something he had wanted to tell me a few days before his death and it seemed like he meant to tell me of something positive, he seemed excited, but what it was I couldn’t have guessed. His partner at the time said that he’d confided that he thought there was no hope of recovery for him, and I wonder if he’d wanted to have told me the same. Was that what he was excited to tell me? Why the “Jude!!! There’s something I need to tell you, can you get on Skype right now???” for such a bleak announcement? Why was he like that? But a week or so later he died and I released a playlist on 8tracks based on Vyvian Withnail, the character whose first name I had taken as my middle name at the time as an homage - can’t even explain fully what to anymore other than perhaps You Know, Him - said something about wishing Seb’s ghost could hear it someplace. I don’t remember if I put a Joy Division song on there. I know I did for the Marwood playlist. I don’t know if Withnail got his own Joy Division song. Sebastian and I were both twenty when he died. A few months after his passing, I turned twenty-one. I didn’t drink that year.

Three years later impulse-buying hair dye wasn’t the actual end of my Marwood hair. That was when I got a haircut after leaving my father’s place, and it was going to be the same haircut I got each time after that, keeping it longer in the front and shorter in the back as opposed to having it the same length pretty much everywhere before. It could still MAYBE be re-Marwoodized. It wasn’t too terribly different. I could just let it grow back if I wanted, go through an awkward-looking phase, and either bring an old picture of myself or cut it myself based on the same, depending on whether this was “before I started doing my own hair” or “after I realized you don’t need to pay for haircuts”. The hair dye was just the part that sealed it, made sure the possibility really was gone.

For whatever unholy fucking reason, there are a large number of articles about Sebastian, deadnaming him and giving the narrative of his death that his mother wanted the world to hear. Don’t look them up but I suppose I can’t stop you. If they can say that publicly, I suspect it’s fine of me to say all of this. It’s barely anything I haven’t said before anyway.

It was a year ago that, age 25, I was at a local new wave tribute band show, a sentence that’s perhaps quite different from anything I’ve said thus far but was just what my life was like then. It was on June 21, a thing I only know because I remembered someone mentioning in passing that this happened to be the longest day of the year. I’d been looking forward to it all year because there was a Joy Division tribute band and I think I had both a patch AND a pin of Joy Division on the jacket I’d made a year prior that I now wore to everything. It was exciting and everyone knew it was exciting because it was Joy Division, it was songs I hadn’t thought I’d ever hear performed live ever. I went sober, something I’d found was a more fun way to enjoy your life music, the Joy Division band went on first. The singer’s impression of Ian Curtis’s dancing was accurate and tasteful and I was surprised when I spoke to him after the show and found out he’d only been with them for the past two weeks. 

“I was really excited to hear you guys do that music because I’ve loved Joy Division for a very long time,” I told the guy, and eventually it turned to the significance of the music for me, how when I was 19, I said I’d wait to die til 24, because this man had killed himself at 23, and now here I was at 25, and the guy had something of a “holy shit” look on his face at some point. I don’t remember the exact detail, maybe it was how young I was (the attendees of those shows tended to be at least a decade my senior), how young I was when I so wanted to die, how young I still was now, how young it made Ian Curtis when he did it, how young anyone can be, how young I am now still wanting to do it every so often because no matter what’s right in my life I can somehow never be rid of what’s wrong. In a weird way I think he felt validation. He mentioned again he’d been fearing he’d fuck up the show but no he was getting a response like this, he had no cause to doubt his performance. I never saw his band again, but I heard of some show performed on I think it was the birthday of someone from the scene who’d since passed, in honor of that person, and Joy Revision was on the bill. I bet the band did well. 

[purpleyin]

Go The Distance fanmix by purpleyin

A fanmix for The Flash 2014 and Iris/Barry - pre-series to getting together. Made for @westallenfamily‘s Westallen week 2020 and Thursday 27th: Free Day.

It has a little pre-getting together/coma angst but is generally hopeful/happy.

Ao3 listing here. Can listen on Spotify here or on YouTube playlist here. It’s not on 8tracks yet but if anyone wants it on there let me know.

1. Daisies - Katy Perry

I'm the long-shot / I'm the Hail Mary / Why can't it be me?They told me I was out there / Tried to knock me down (knock me down) / Took those sticks and stones / Showed 'em I could build a house / They tell me that I'm crazy / But I'll never let 'em change me

2. Catch Me If You Can (acoustic) - Thundamentals feat. Eves Karydas

Remember when you said to me / That everything would be all right / Up all night / We could build a symphony / When you're by my side (By my side) / Imperfect symmetry / Just you an I / Can rest in peace when I close my eyes / I hope you know that you're gorgeous / Your thoughts are important, I'm pickin' you up when you've fallen / You're textin' my celly at four in the mornin' / Your friends are all jelly but we just ignore them

3. It’s All Incredibly So Loud - Glass Animals

Super silence in the quiet, eye inside the storm / Water from your broken iris fell toward the floor / Everything waiting, shakin' as it drops / I tried for you and I, for too hard, for too long / Gave it all and everything for more time, but I lost / Ooh, we're breakin' down / Whispers would deafen me now / You don't make a sound / Heartbreak was never so loud

4. Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper

Lying in my bed, I hear the clock tick and think of you / Caught up in circles / Confusion is nothing new / Flashback, warm nights / Almost left behind / Suitcase of memories / Time after / Sometimes you picture me / I'm walking too far ahead / You're calling to me, I can't hear / What you've said / Then you say, "go slow" / And I fall behind / The second hand unwinds / If you're lost you can look and you will find me / Time after time / If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting / Time after time

5. Love Runs Out - One Republic

I'll be running, I'll be running / 'Til the love runs out ... / And we'll start a fire, and we'll shut it down / 'Til the love runs out ... / There's a maniac out in front of me /  Got an angel on my shoulder, and Mephistopheles / But Mama raised me good, Mama raised me right / Mama said, "Do what you want, say prayers at night" / And I'm saying them, 'cause I'm so devout / 'Til the love runs out

6. Looking Back - Aksel

We would fall asleep / Talking 'bout our dreams / Waiting for eighteen / Is never what it seems / We were young and naive / Didn't know what we need / We were in such a rush to grow up / We were restless, confused / Summer nights on the roof / Didn't know what was in front of us / Chasing the high life / Stuck in the low lights / But we never know what we have / Until it's over and we're looking back / Speeding through red lights / We had a good ride / But we never know what we have / Until it's over and we're looking back / All these memories / Made me feel at home

7. I Get To Love You - Ruelle

One look at you, my whole life falls in line / I prayed for you before I called you mine / Oh, I can't believe it's true sometimes ... / I get to love you /  It's the best thing that I'll ever do / I get to love you / It's a promise I'm making to you / Whatever may come, your heart, I will choose / Forever I'm yours, forever I do / I get to love you, I get to love you

8. Home - Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go / As we roll down this unfamiliar road / And although this wave is stringing us along / Just know you're not alone / 'Cause I'm going to make this place your home / Settle down, it'll all be clear / Don't pay no mind to the demons / They fill you with fear / The trouble it might drag you down / If you get lost, you can always be found / Just know you're not alone / 'Cause I'm going to make this place your home

[gentyjack]

1999, 2009, 2019! - morethananythinginmylife

welcome back for a couple days my dude! you were a big part of my dash back in 2014, I owe you a bunch :’) 

1999: Has your opinion on the band changed over time? 

they were basically my backbone back in 2013/2014. I was going through a LOT of shit and frankly they saved my life. as I got older, left undergrad, got a job, they sort of were relegated to the back burner. they were always there, but they weren’t holding me up like before. I would always be overjoyed to hear news about them, would pop up some songs on 8tracks or spotify, but it was almost like they were sort of helping from a distance now, seeing if I could pick myself back up.  them being gone is a big blow, as I remember how much they helped me. but I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just another step towards being able to cope by myself. it’s really dumb tbh, since I don’t actually know them but hey. we all deal with things in our own way :”)  (this is really rambly. I swear I’m more articulate normally it’s just been.....a long couple of days) 

2009: Do you have a favorite Daft Punk cameo/reference? 

I really love their appearance in Tron: Legacy. like it’s cool they were able to briefly be in the film they composed for 

honorable mention goes to this monstrosity lol 

2019: What Daft Punk song makes you smile? 

normally I say I answered this but nope I’m gonna say more songs  Game of Love gives be a really contented smile. I love the effect of humming into the vocoder. I think I’m a sucker for whenever those two sing though lol 

[rustbeltjessie]

TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART (a playlist)

[This playlist and accompanying text were made for Witchsong in March 2016. But Witchsong has since gone dark, and 8tracks, where the playlist was hosted, has also gone dark. I still love this playlist/piece, so I decided to post it here in its entirety, and round up links to the songs. (I tried to remake the playlist on Spotify but unfortunately a few of these tunes aren’t available there!)]

Lizzo - En Love

M.I.A. - Fire Fire

Little Esther - I’m A Bad, Bad Girl

The Last Shadow Puppets - Bad Habits

Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes

Worriers - Unwritten

Colleen Green - Whatever I Want

The I Don’t Cares - Just A Phase

Thurston Moore - Psychic Hearts

The Kills - Fuck the People

Pixies - The Holiday Song

Dum Dum Girls - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

El Vy - Need A Friend

The Cars - Dangerous Type

The Make*Up - White Belts

The Mo-Dettes - White Mice

Thee Headcoatees - Ça Plane Pour Moi

Huggy Bear - Pansy Twist

Bikini Kill - I Like Fucking

Mika Miko - Sex Jazz

Dresden Dolls - Dirty Business

Screaming Females - Triumph

(+ a bonus track that isn’t on the playlist: Jolie Holland - Springtime Can Kill You)

It is springtime, and springtime can kill you (just like it did poor me). The light is clearer and hangs on longer in the sky each day, the birds are all singing riotous songs in the treetops. A few days ago, it was seventy degrees; I drank iced coffee and resisted the urge to cut the sleeves off all my t-shirts. It is springtime, and I am so damn restless I’m about ready to tear my skin off. I can’t focus on anything. I pick up a book, read a few pages, put it down again. I start a poem, write a few lines, quit. My notebooks are full of Jenny Holzer-esque truisms that I write in all caps. YOU WILL GET SO TIRED OF WEIGHING THE POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES. SOMETIMES YOU WILL BE READY TO SAY “FUCK IT” AND FOLLOW YR HEART. BE A DRUNKEN SLUT. STOP THINKING. IT’S SO TIRING. TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART.

I just want to trust my stupid fucking heart. Or maybe I just want something that makes my stupid heart beat faster.

I am so tired of weighing the potential consequences. When I was younger, I usually leapt into things without caring what the result would be. (And now I can’t believe I didn’t put that Shivvers song on this playlist: when I was younger, when I was younger, when I was younger.) I went for what felt good, or even bad, as long as I was feeling something. As long as it made me feel alive. But there were enough adverse consequences that I began to grow afraid. I was often on the verge of eviction, because I did things like spending my rent money on road trips. I hurt people. I disappointed people. Friends and family started telling me that I was wasting my life.

…some might say that you and I have wasted our lives so far. Yes, we have had our hearts broken more than most. (We’ve broken some hearts, too.) We’ve had brushes with the law; and we’ve dealt with pregnancy scares and unemployment and spent many mornings too hungover to even move. But we have also experienced so much poetry, seen so much beauty, received so much love. We have had more fun in our short lives than most people ever get to have; so how could we ever consider it a waste?

-from something I wrote in 2006

Maybe I still want to waste my life, if wasting my life is what it takes to feel alive. To paraphrase Dazed & Confused, a movie I watched over and over when I felt those first reckless, restless stirrings in my teenage body: I need some good old, worthwhile, visceral experience. I want to go out into the wild, twisting night, want to take drugs, get laid, maybe get in a fight. Except I don’t do drugs anymore and I don’t get in fights anymore and no, I won’t spend all my rent money on a road trip. There are certain things I’m not willing to risk, and that’s for the best. But I am tired of worrying about what other people think; tired of not doing what I want to do because it might hurt or disappoint someone in my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, of course not, but it’s my life and it’s springtime and my heart is saying go. I want to fuck. I want to dance. I want to smash it up. I want sudden intense connections with interesting strangers. I want to take long drives in search of coffee and trouble. (Remembering that spring so long ago when I drove the seven hours from Chicago to St. Louis just to get coffee at a Waffle House.) I want to rip my tights, walk along the train tracks, get my boots all covered in good mud. I want, I want, I want. No, I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I am tired of not being myself. And I’m bad news, baby, I’m bad news.

I’m just a traveling girl with a wild mane of wavy red hair, holes in my tights, all my clothes smelling of smoke. I can roll a cigarette while driving down the freeway at eighty miles an hour. I can get drunk as shit and get two hours of sleep and drive from one town to another, then do it all again the next night. I can find my way anywhere. I can get lost anywhere.

-from something I wrote in 2007

I dye my hair red again every spring. No matter what other colors I might dye it the rest of the year, in spring I metamorphose back into a redhead. I was born with red hair but it faded to a drab brown when I hit puberty, some shitty twist of fate, so I became a bottle redhead. Red hair is fiery, brazen, witchy. (Redheads used to be burnt at the stake as witches, because it was believed they had magic powers.) Red is the color of anger and lust, love and rage. The color of blood and lipstick and my stupid, wildly beating heart. Girls like me are meant to have red hair.

It’s springtime, and I’m a wild redheaded girl for life. So take me out tonight. Take me anywhere, I don’t care, I don’t care. Take me to where the rough edges of the night meet the back alleys. Take me to the rooftops and fire escapes of your town. Take me to all-nite diners, where we can get coffee-buzzed and plot to take over the world. Let’s walk around. Let’s drive too fast on backroads. I don’t need your love, I just need a friend.

I still want all the same old dumb shit I’ve always wanted. Spontaneous adventures, crushes, mix tapes. Music I can feel in my guts, in my bones, whether it’s hip-hop or the punk rocks. Sneaky eyes and sleeveless t-shirts. Sex and danger. In the immortal words of Henry Rollins: I want to fuck on the floor and break shit. Yeah, I like fucking. I’m always restless, and next to wandering, sex is one of the few things that eases my restlessness. And I believe in the radical possibilities of pleasure, babe. I do, I do, I do.

I’ve lost some friends because I’ve failed to grow up properly. These friends used to be just like me (you fuckers used to be just like me), but they went straight. I don’t mean straight as in heterosexual, I mean straight as in normal. They became capital-G Grown Ups. They got advanced degrees and nine-to-fives and stopped making zines and got their tattoos removed. I’m an adult, too. I have a kid, and a writing career; I pay my bills instead of going on ill-advised road trips, I don’t go on benders or do drugs anymore. But I also haven’t given up crushes or adventure or art or punk; I’m still making zines and giving myself stick ’n’ poke tattoos. I’ve still got that steel-toed spark and that teenage j.d. twitch. Maybe they’re bitter because they thought growing up meant giving all that up.

We can have all of it! We can be mamas and healers and have love and morals and sweetness and good things in our lives, but we don’t have to give up the rest—we can also be wild punk rock goddesses of destruction and fuck and fight and drink and smoke and swear and make mad art, goddamnit!

-from something I wrote in 2013

I should’ve known something was up the last time I saw M.—before she decided she hated me, when I still thought we’d be friends for life—when she said: “I’m over Amanda Palmer. It’s not cute to tell young girls that it’s okay to be fucked-up.” That stunned me, because she was once a fucked-up girl, just like me. She and I used to listen to Dresden Dolls albums and talk about how eerily close to our own lives they were, how it was like AFP had looked into our souls and made songs out of them. But maybe that’s the other thing. It’s not just that M. and the others gave up their former passions. They also regret that they ever lived that way. They regret the days of chronic unemployment and ill-advised road trips, the crazy-mad love affairs, the all-nite diner marathons, the epic meals we made from what we found in dumpsters. And I don’t. No matter how I’ve changed, or how many of those things I don’t want anymore, I could never ever regret those days. They made me who I am, and they gave me so many stories to tell. To all the ones who thought they knew me best, a test to prove your prowess. Who was mine in ’99? I want last names, and current status.

No, I don’t want to wind up on the verge of eviction, or have my electricity shut off. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But it is springtime, and I am so tired of weighing the potential consequences. And I’m just a redheaded restless punk rock goddess of destruction for life, and I still want all that shit that makes my stupid, reckless heart beat faster. Loud music, caffeine, adventure, sex. If you’re like me, you’re feeling the same way. So:

WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. STOP THINKING. IT’S SO TIRING. TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART.

Get out, get out of your house.

[kareenvorbarra]

somewhere close to me ❁ a Fjord/Jester fanmix

8tracks • spotify

Rox In The Box The Decemberists • Wings Little Mix • Vessel Pearl and the Beard • Trouble Is a Friend Lenka • Pearl Diver Mitski • Come All You Sailors The Wailin’ Jennys • Steady The Staves • Suddenly I See KT Tunstall • Wildflowers The Wailin’ Jennys • Love Lies Khalid & Normani • Meet Me In The Woods Lord Huron • Tell Me True Sarah Jarosz • Notos The Oh Hellos • Lollipop MIKA • Water Bishop Briggs • Night Terror Laura Marling • Dog Years Maggie Rogers

Lyrics:

Rox In The Box - The Decemberists (Fjord as a young man; he’s outgrown the orphanage, so he works on the docks, taking what jobs he can find as an orphan with no money or education or friends)

And it’s one, two, three On the wrong side of the lee What were you meant for? Whatever you’re meant for

Wings - Little Mix (Jester, though sheltered, grows up confident and loved, assured of her own beauty and worth)

Mama told me not to waste my life She said, “Spread your wings, my little butterfly Don’t let what they say keep you up at night And they give you shit, then they can walk on by”

Vessel - Pearl and the Beard (After finding a place on a ship, somewhere his skills are recognized, somewhere that feels almost like home, Fjord loses it all)

Drain my gut Spill it out onto the deck Burn their hands Sure as hell has burned my own I am alone now

Trouble Is a Friend - Lenka (Jester just can’t seem to stop causing trouble, and sometimes her pranks have unintended consequences)

Trouble is a friend but trouble is a foe, oh oh And no matter what I feed him he always seems to grow, oh oh He sees what I see and he knows what I know, oh oh So don’t forget as you ease on down the road

Pearl Diver - Mitski (Fjord survives the shipwreck, but he’s alone now, and he’s not the same man he was before he drowned)

Those creatures of your woken mind Don’t fear them or their hunger Forgive the sea, follow the tide With the monsters on your shoulder

Come All You Sailors - The Wailin’ Jennys (Forced to wander, searching for people they don’t know how to find, Jester and Fjord stumble across each other)

Come all you seekers Realize that you can see Find within your deepest longing That all you need is me

Steady - The Staves (”Whatcha readin’ there, Jester?”/“Nothing, Oskar...”)

Steady, steady, steady Your steady touch I love so much I'm sleepless Oh God, oh God, oh God God, I'm only human and I'm helpless

Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall (Fjord has never met anybody quite like Jester)

She fills up every corner like she’s born in black and white Makes you feel warmer when you’re trying to remember What you heard She likes to leave you hanging on a word

Wildflowers - The Wailin’ Jennys (Fjord couldn’t protect Jester when they were captives; but at least, upon their return to the Menagerie Coast, he gets a chance to see her experience some of the happiness she deserves)

You belong among the wildflowers You belong on a boat out at sea Far away from your trouble and worry You belong somewhere you feel free

Love Lies - Khalid & Normani (“Do you ever get sad?”/“Are you sad, Jester?”)

Don’t be afraid to tell me if you ain’t with it I see you’re focused, yeah you’re so independent It’s hard for me to open up, I’ll admit it You’ve got some shit to say and I’m here to listen

Meet Me In The Woods - Lord Huron (Fjord meets Avantika; she tells him more about his patron, and suddenly he’s no longer alone with his dreams)

I have seen what the darkness does Say goodbye to who I was I ain’t never been away so long Don’t look back, them days are gone

Tell Me True - Sarah Jarosz (Sometimes it’s hard to know if a boy likes you or if he only kissed you to keep you from drowning)

Do you think of me the way I think of you? Do you hope for things most likely won’t come true? Do you dream of me like I dream of you? Tell me darling, please tell me true

Notos - The Oh Hellos (What would Fjord give up for power over the seas?)

And the rush will take you away Like you’re caught in the undertow And you will drown in the wake Of the things you lost to the winds of Notos

Lollipop - Mika (Maybe, Jester thinks, real life isn’t always like a romance novel)

Mama told me what I should know: Too much candy gonna rot your soul If she loves you, let her go ‘cause love only gets you down

Water - Bishop Briggs (Unrequited love hurts; so does feeling unworthy of love)

(Jester) Funny how a blessing feels just like a curse Bad love hurts, but somehow good love hurts me worse ‘Cause lately I’m mistaking honey for the bees Having trouble sleeping with you next to me

(Fjord) Be gentle with me Have patience with me Oh 'cause I’ve been in the corner of my mind that tells me I’m not good enough for anybody like you Help me out, you know I need you like water

Night Terror - Laura Marling (“I will do anything to get you away from Uk’otoa, okay?”)

I woke up and he was screaming I’d left him dreaming I roll over and shake him tightly And whisper, “If they want you, oh, they’re gonna have to fight me”

Dog Years - Maggie Rogers (Despite their troubles, despite the things left unsaid between them, Fjord and Jester know they will always be there for each other)

And if you had a bad week Let me sing you to sleep Oh, and I’ll be there waiting If you start to get jaded I know things are changing But darling, I’m saying I’ve been here all along