#reliving the past

[sjsmith56]

The Visitor

Summary: A visitor to the Avengers compound causes concern for Bucky as she wishes to talk to him about his time as the Winter Soldier. Tony thinks she has something to hide.

Length: 4.3 K

Characters: Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, name OFC.

Warnings: Emotional trauma, bringing up the past.

Author notes: In this canon based AU, the Avengers defeated Thanos in Wakanda. Bucky returned to the United States but was confined to the Avengers compound while his legal status was determined. Although Tony accepted his presence there is still awkwardness between the two men.

After the battle of Wakanda the world was in turmoil regarding the close call with the genocidal Thanos, that could have resulted in the death of billions of people.  The Avengers rallied together to fight the Titan, in a battle that saw the arrival of Tony Stark along with several non-human beings via a portal provided by Dr. Strange.  They met up with the force already in Wakanda that included the fugitives Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanoff, Wanda Maximoff, and the man most people knew as the Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes.  The moment when Tony Stark found himself alongside the man who had killed his parents was captured by drone cameras that broadcast the battle to the world.  There was no denying that Stark wished he were beside someone else, but when Barnes took out an alien beast that knocked over Stark from behind then offered the iron-suited man a hand up, a hand that was taken, it was hoped the healing could begin.

After the defeat of Thanos, it was Stark who asked Bucky Barnes to return to the United States, offering him a place at the Avengers compound while his legal status was clarified, and providing him with legal counsel as the American political, judiciary and military complex began drawing their own battle lines over the former PoW's return.  When Bucky provided Stark a long list of names of HYDRA supporters in those areas, names that would have marked millions as enemies to be taken out, he went public with the information, turning attention towards the traitors who still hid openly in plain sight.  While Stark was the public face of the Avengers that handled this, Bucky was required to stay on the compound, wearing an ankle monitor to keep him there.  He was free but he was still confined.

The two super soldiers entered the common room, both fresh out of the showers after they ran close to 20 miles that morning.  As they helped themselves to the offerings of the breakfast buffet, then sat down at the large table, several others strolled in, having just awakened.

"We have a request from the legal team representing the families," said Tony Stark, entering the common room, looking like he had been up all night.  "Friday, display the request.  They wish to send another person to interview Bucky Barnes."

"Why?" asked Steve, looking up at the formal letter.  He frowned at the terse request.  "He already submitted everything he remembers.  What purpose would this serve?"

Tony looked briefly at Bucky, who sat quietly, as he often did at the compound, still trying to fit in there.

"Part of it is to question him themselves in a non-legal location so they can get an idea of what kind of man he is," he answered.  "That's what one of the lawyers admitted to me.  Personally, I think the woman they are proposing may be looking to find inconsistencies in his memories.  Our lawyers are insisting that anything he says to her would be inadmissible and unpublished by her in any way, shape or form."

"Is she a relative of one of the dead?" asked Bucky.

"No, she's not related to anyone," said Tony, bringing up a picture of a woman in her late twenties or early thirties, her dark hair cut in a stylish bob.  "Her name is Dr. Aline Clifton, a sociologist, PhD from Columbia University.  She's written several papers on the effects of imprisonment and torture on PoWs and kidnap victims.  Her papers have been ... interesting as she doesn't really come to any conclusions on whether a person can be forced to commit crimes when they are a prisoner, yet she appears to be sympathetic to those who have."

"Do I have to see her?"

"No, you're under no obligation.  It's just a request.  They would like an answer by tomorrow."

He nodded at Tony and got up from the table, leaving the rest of his breakfast untouched, followed by Steve.  Together, the two men went to Steve's quarters, which Bucky was sharing.  His nightmares occasionally needed an intervention from his friend.

"Why are they doing this?" he asked.  "She's the third one.  The first two concurred with my defence that I was in no position to counteract my programming.  I guess they didn't like hearing that.  Why do I have to go through this again?"

"You don't," replied Steve.  "It's just a request that you have already granted twice.  You don't have to see her."

"They'll twist that into saying I have something to hide.  I'll see her."

He left to tell Tony personally that he would agree to the meeting.  It wasn't like he was busy doing much else.

Two days later

It was stressful sitting in the conference room, waiting for the arrival of Dr. Aline Clifton.  Bucky had examined every vibranium plate in his left hand, tracing the seams between each section.  It was the equivalent of chewing his fingernails, which he had already done to his right hand.  He looked at the LED clock on the wall, noting it was only a minute since he last looked at it.  Then, with a sigh, he got up and went to the window, looking out over the nearby reservoir.  The waters looked so calm and peaceful, but he knew below that they were anything but, as currents drew the water towards the downstream dam that originally formed the body of water in the 1880s.  Hearing the door behind him open he was startled to see the woman in question standing in the doorway, alone.  She nodded her head at him, then entered, closing the door behind her.

"I'm Aline Clifton," she said.  "Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Barnes."

"Bucky is fine," he answered, then gestured to a chair.  "After you."

She sat, facing him as he sat across from her.  Quickly, he took in her appearance.  Her dark hair was cut in a modern style that accentuated her dark eyes and fine facial features, giving her an intensity that wasn't common on someone her age.  She had a septum piercing which drew his attention until he realized he was staring and looked away.  She smiled slightly at him, noticing his stare.

"A remnant of my youth," she explained.  "I embraced a goth lifestyle for a time.  There were many such piercings that I discarded over the years as I became more attuned to myself.  I keep this one as a reminder that everyone has issues, both exposed and hidden."

"I'm sorry.  That was rude of me to stare.  I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"You didn't and the sentiment is returned.  You're probably wondering why I'm here."  Bucky didn't answer.  "The truth is that I wished to meet you, and I put in a request to your lawyers, but they refused me outright.  So, I reached out to the lawyers of the families as I heard that two others approached you on a fact-finding basis.  I was hoping a third request would be accepted."

"I didn't hear about you until two days ago but now that you're here, you seem familiar.  We haven't met before." 

She shook her head; her mouth set in a grim line. 

"No, we haven't met but I did manage to be in the courtroom several times during your appearances.  Perhaps you remember me from that."

"Perhaps."  He caught himself staring again, trying to reconcile exactly where he knew her from.  "Why did you want to see me?  Everything that you see or read about me is true."

"I know, but I was hoping to provide you with some comfort, for lack of a better word."  She looked outside the window then, and he saw how she was choosing her words carefully.  "My whole career has been spent in studying individuals who were indoctrinated by others.  Some were subject to it by proximity; their parents were members of a cult, or they were looking for personal enlightenment at the hands of charlatans.  Others, like yourself, were captured, imprisoned, and tortured.  Sometimes, the treatment they received was just for the hell of it, to satisfy the sadistic desires of their captors.  Other times, it was with a purpose in mind, such as manipulating them into becoming agents or supporters of their cause."

"I didn't choose to be the Fist of HYDRA," interrupted Bucky.  "I was a prisoner of war, who was experimented on before my rescue, then I fell into their hands again, in a broken body that couldn't defend itself, and they continued the experiment for decades.  It was only Steve saying my name, and me recognizing him as being someone I once knew, that everything they did to me began to unravel."  He breathed out steadily.  "That's all public knowledge."

She nodded again, then looked out the window.  "Can we go for a walk and just talk?"

"I'm not allowed to be off the grounds."

"That's okay," she smiled.  "I just want to get out of here.  It feels confining."

He agreed, leaving the room with her, stopping to tell Steve and Tony they were going for a walk.  As they left, Tony looked at the pair and shook his head.

"There is something off about her.  I don't know what it is."

He whirled around, retreating to his lab while Steve stepped to the window and watched as Bucky and Dr. Clifton moved further away from the building.  Frowning, he went outside but hung back until he could barely see them, then he followed.

For some time, the couple didn't speak as they walked.  It was calming to Bucky then as they approached the path beside the reservoir, he put himself between Aline and the water, an action she noticed. 

"That's something that men of your time did, place yourselves between a woman and something that was a potential danger." 

"I guess the old habits came back quickly," he said.  "I can move to the other side if you want to be closer to the water."

"It's fine."  They walked a few more steps.  "Do you ever think of leaving?"

He stopped, frowning slightly at the question.

"No, I promised I would stay on the grounds until my case is decided.  I gave them my word."  He looked down at his ankle.  "They made me wear an ankle monitor but I wouldn't go back on my word.  I'm not that type of man."

"But if you could leave here, would you?"

"Not until my case is decided." 

"Did you try to leave HYDRA?" 

Ah, there was the question that was always asked.  It always came down to that.  So many of the politicians on the various committees that Bucky had appeared before had asked him the same question.  Why didn't he try harder to get away?  With a sigh, he answered.

"Many times.  They always found me, partly because they made me so dependent on them that I couldn't function in society anymore but also because I consistently tried to go home.  Even if I didn't consciously know that home was Brooklyn, a part of me knew and repeatedly headed there so they always knew where to find me.  The punishment for leaving was without exception worse than the time before.  You've read their files on me.  Do you really want me to say out loud what they did to me?"

Bucky stopped and looked at her, seeing the regret on her face.  Aline shook her head.

"No.  It was an obligation from the families' lawyers that I ask.  They are of the opinion that you could have left at any time, but you didn't because you were a believer.  They're surprised you don't try to leave now and go into hiding.  But you're done running, aren't you?"

He nodded, then looked out over the reservoir at the deceptively calm placid waters.  Even though he felt the anxiety and fear churning inside of him, he was still conditioned to display nothing on his face.  One of the psychiatrists he saw said it was a coping mechanism borne from years of abuse, a way not to give his captors a reason to hurt him any further.  Not that it ever really worked as HYDRA never saw him as human and most of his guards and handlers had strong sadistic tendencies that they expressed fully on him.

"Bucky, did any of your captors have families that you were aware of?"  Her voice was so quiet that it drew his attention to her face.  She was also looking out over the reservoir, her face an emotionless mask but he detected a note of anxiety in her voice.  "Were you allowed to interact with anyone outside of their duties?"

"No, although I did see children at times.  Most were told to avoid me, and I was ordered not to engage with them.  I wasn't seen as a person.  Just like most parents wouldn't let their kids play with weapons, I wasn't seen as being child friendly.  That's all I remember about that.  There are still a lot of missing memories."

Now she seemed distressed and wrung her hands a little.  Then she breathed out heavily and turned away from Bucky.

"I want to go back now, please," she said.  "I shouldn't have come."

"Okay," he replied, gesturing to her.  "Are you alright?"

"Yes ... no," she breathed out shakily. 

As they walked, he could see she was almost crying, and he reached out to touch her arm.  She pulled it away as if his touch was fire.  Then she shook her head and began walking quickly away from him.  He watched, concerned, then started following her.

Steve, who was close enough to see the expression on Dr. Clifton's face, frowned.  What happened that she looked like she was about to have a breakdown?  The sound of footsteps behind him made him look back to see Tony approaching.

"What's going on?" asked Tony. 

"I'm not sure.  She's walking fast and looks upset."

"Somehow I'm not surprised."  Steve's expression was curious to which Tony shrugged.  "I do know she wasn't completely truthful with us.  Bring her inside.  She has some questions to answer."

She came closer and made to walk right past them, but Steve reached out and grabbed her arm.  She pulled away briefly then stopped, breathing heavily.

"Please, let me go," she begged.  "I shouldn't have come."

"No," said Tony.  He nodded at Bucky who had just caught up.  "You owe Barnes some answers."

"I can't."  She shook her head, trying to pull away again, then began to hyperventilate.  "I can't do this."

"Do what?" asked Tony, staring intently at her face.  "Barnes is not the enemy, Dr. Clifton, but you already know that."

Agony was written on Aline's face as she looked everywhere until finally settling on Bucky again.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her eyes brimming with tears.  "I'm sorry for what they did to you.  I could have told someone, but I was so afraid they would come for me ... please forgive me, please."

Burying her face in her hands, she slumped to the ground and bent over.  Bucky looked at Tony, questioningly, but he shook his head. 

"Give her a few moments then we'll go inside.  She can unburden herself in there."  He shook his head angrily.  "You and I weren't the only victims of HYDRA.  They hurt their own just as much."

It was several minutes before Aline was composed enough to go with them.  As they settled in the conference room, Tony poured a glass of water, placing it in front of the woman.  She smiled slightly at him then sipped it. 

"Where do you want me to start?" she asked.

"Allow me," said Tony.  He waved his hand, bringing up a holographic display.  "Alice Meyer, born April 10, 1985, the daughter of Dr. Ludwig Meyer and his wife Eloise.  Although you were born in Austria, your father worked in Siberia, in a HYDRA lab.  After a shipment of stolen serum was wasted on several individuals that became too violent to control, your father was transferred to a HYDRA lab outside of Washington, D.C.  You and your mother joined him.  You grew up in the small town that was built for the employees.  How am I doing so far?"

She swallowed nervously then nodded her head.  "I was seven years old when Mama and I arrived.  We lived a quiet life in Austria, seeing Papa every few months.  All I knew was that it was government work.  I wasn't allowed to ask about it and he never spoke of it when he was home.  But when we moved to the United States, it was like being dropped into the middle of a cult.  Everyone was HYDRA.  We woke up to the call of Hail HYDRA, on speakers throughout the town.  The only visitors that were welcome were other HYDRA followers.  Outsiders were made to feel very unwelcome and basically run out of town.  It was stifling and frightening all the time."

"You were HYDRA?" asked Bucky, a sense of anger in his voice.

"Not by choice," she answered.  "I soon learned that if I didn't display the proper attitude, I could expect punishment, both corporal and psychological.  It became easier to pretend that I belonged than to fight it.  My parents told me to go along with it, as my behaviour would reflect on them.  They used the Winter Soldier as an example of someone who didn't comply and look what they did to him."  She looked sadly at Bucky.  "You were the boogeyman, what we children were threatened with if we didn't behave and follow HYDRA's way.  Although my parents sometimes let slip that you were a prisoner, they never said you were being tortured or forced to do what you did.  Even when I heard the rumours of what was done to you, it was always explained that you deserved it for your crimes.  At that time, I thought my parents were good people caught up in an unpleasant situation, trying to get through the day without being punished in a similar way."

"What changed your mind?" asked Steve, sympathetically.

"September 11, 2001.  I was 16, in high school, a normal school, and all the TVs were tuned to the news, showing what was happening in New York.  It was frightening.  Who would do such a thing?"  She sipped some more water.  "The school bus took us home and it was like a party there.  Everyone was happy, hugging and laughing, celebrating this great moment for HYDRA.  I walked into the house and my parents both had a drink in hand.  No one else was there, so there was no need for them to pretend that this was anything other than a tragedy.  My father said it was a great day for HYDRA.  Now the world would know that they needed a firm hand on them to guide them properly."  She slumped a little and closed her eyes then opened them.  "I was staggered by their behaviour and for the first time in my life, realized that monsters had raised me.  It made me look at you, Bucky, with new eyes.  I noticed the bruises on your face, the way your hair wasn't tended to, of how they made you wear that mask and that heavy black clothing even on the hottest days of summer.  There was always a threat of violence around you, in the circle of people who surrounded you."

"You tried to run away," said Tony, bringing up a picture of her in her high school yearbook.  She looked like she was on the edge.  "You were screaming for help, but the police always returned you to your parents."

Aline nodded, transfixed by her high school photo. 

"HYDRA always tried to recruit from within," she said.  "Career day was a tour behind the scenes.  I saw Bucky in his cryogenic capsule, then we were shown the whole support team that went into reinforcing his missions.  It was like being in a nightmare and I wanted no part of it, but I couldn't say that as it would mean my own imprisonment and probable torture.  I was a coward."

"No, you weren't," said Bucky, quickly.  "Don't say that.  You were afraid with good reason.  How did you get out?"

"I took on a job as a driver," she said.  "We would be sent to safe houses to restock groceries, clothing, medical supplies, cash, false IDs, etc.  One day, they trusted me enough to go on my own.  I kept the money and staged an accident with the vehicle, made it seem that I drove it off a bridge to avoid an animal.  Then I went full goth makeup, clothing, and piercings.  I mentioned that to you, remember?"

He smiled at her and nodded his head.

"They found the car but never found my body.  I went to Canada, with a false passport for Aline Clifton, born in Montreal, May 12, 1986.  I registered in the sociology program at McGill University and got my bachelor's degree, then master's there and my PhD at Columbia, in New York, specializing in the indoctrination of prisoners of war, cult members and abductees.  Then I was offered a position at the university, where I was when you fought against Thanos.  They announced that Bucky was part of the force that fought against him, and that he was coming back.  I wanted to know for sure if what I always suspected was true."

"That he was coerced into it," said Tony.  "I had my doubts too, but the files and the videos were damning testimony against HYDRA.  They were monsters.  As much as I wanted to hate him for killing my parents I couldn't in good conscience do it.  I killed more people with Stark weapons than he ever did.  Yet, I'm supposed to be one of the good guys."  He smiled apologetically at Bucky.  "I'm sorry I tried to kill you.  You had no choice but to obey your orders when you killed my parents."

"I'm sorry I killed them, your mom, especially.  I'd give anything to see my mother again."

"You could always try binarily augmented retro-framing."

"Did it work for you?"

"Not really as it never really fixed my issues that I had with my dad before he died.  It was nice to see Mom again."  Tony huffed a little.  "Sorry, getting a little off topic.  Dr. Clifton, is there anything more that you want to say?"

"Yes, most of the legal team behind the families are connected to HYDRA," she said.  "I'm sure of it.  They want Bucky in prison and likely want him in a specific location where he can receive very special treatment."

"The words don't work anymore," said Bucky.  "Wakanda took their power away."

"They don't care," she answered.  "They'll try and keep trying to bring the Winter Soldier back.  They spent billions on you and you're the only one they had success with.  You're too valuable to give up on now."

"How do you know?"

"I'm a sociologist, trained to observe human behaviour.  I know how to question both perpetrators and victims of torture to get to the truth.  I know liars when I see them and all the tells of someone who is under stress.  I never told anyone about you before because I was afraid of them finding me and forcing me back but I'm not afraid anymore.  I'm not a monster but I know one when I see one.  You're not one, Bucky.  You never were."

A rush of emotion went through him, and he couldn't speak for a moment.  Then he whispered out a thank you and left with Steve, wanting to cry in the privacy of their shared quarters.  Aline looked at Tony.

"You're not a monster, either Mr. Stark," she said.  "I'll write down the names of the lawyers who are true believers.  Make sure they don't get away with this."

"I'll make sure," said Tony, sliding a virtual keyboard over to her.  "Just enter their names and Friday will investigate their backgrounds before I notify the proper authorities."  He watched her as she used the virtual device as if it were no big deal.  "Dr. Clifton, have you ever thought of working for an organization like the Avengers?  Your training would be a great asset to us."

"No, I like being a teacher," she replied.  "But I could visit on a regular basis, if you wish.  Say, once a month?  Maybe more, if circumstances permit?"

"That could work," said Tony, smiling at her as she stood up.  "Will you be alright?  I'm guessing this was the first time you disclosed your real past to anyone."

"Yeah, I think I will be," she said.  "It was freeing."  She looked towards the door.  "He really is a good man inside.  It was obvious to me very quickly that he still feels tremendous guilt for what they forced him to do.  A monster would feel nothing."

Tony walked her out of the building, then waved as she drove away.  He headed for his lab, but instead found himself in the residential part of the building.  Knocking on Steve Roger's door he looked past him when the door was opened.  Steve led him in to where Bucky sat at the couch, the thousand-mile stare on his face.  The man still carried so much on himself, and Tony knew that words alone weren't enough.  Standing in front of Bucky, he offered him his hand.  When Bucky took it, Tony pulled him up, then hugged him until he felt the other return it.  The tears followed and both men wept until they had nothing left.  Their visitor, Dr. Aline Clifton, was right.  Bucky really was a good man inside and so was he.

One Shots Masterlist

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[andreainlove]

~do you get deja vu?~

[kboo1999]

the way that i am so over this athena reliving her past storyline

[amalthea-felsblood]

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧Our Moments✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

◦Marian◦ "Tell me, Estinien. Do you regret any of our adventures thus far?"

◃Estinien▹"Nay Marian, though our adventures have been far from ordinary, my heart holds no regrets."

Goodbye Endwalker

Onward to Tural

[financia012]

The Year I’d Relive: A Journey Back to Simpler Times

Hi everyone! 🌟 Have you ever thought about going back to a specific year in your life? For me, 2023 holds a special place in my heart—the year I turned 21. It was a time of incredible growth, unforgettable memories, and valuable life lessons that shaped who I am today. I’ve just shared a blog reflecting on why I’d choose to relive this year and what it meant for me. I’d love for you to read it and maybe even share which year you’d go back to! Let’s take a walk down memory lane together.

Is there an age or year of your life you would re-live? Introduction Have you ever thought about going back to a particular time in your life? That one year that holds cherished memories, defining moments, or perhaps an opportunity you’d approach differently? For me, there’s a special age I would relive if given the chance. It was a year that shaped who I am today and left an indelible mark on…

[asmrrpaddict]

Putting this into the void where no one I know personally can find it.

So long venting post ahead that I don’t have anywhere else to put. Please ignore unless you just want to read about a little mental break through/down.

I just finished this video (which you should listen to btw, it’s so good, Your Rival Opens up to You from Your Stupid Boy Audios, really cool guy, give him a listen) about the speaker’s mom going through what I’m assuming to be Alzheimer’s/dementia.

My grandma went through the same thing in 2015/2016. Before that my mom and I had been taking care of her since 2006 when I was 12. Everything had been about making sure she was ok. Dr. Appts with 3-5 different doctors, home nurses, making her meals, meals being delivered to us for some reason that I still have no clue how they started, getting her to take her meds, the multi-year battle that ended in defeat to get her to stop smoking, my mom being investigated by aps and cps because we made a distant cousin stop buying my grandmother cigarettes and she got mad and made grossly false claims. Then there were gallbladder surgeries (mine and my grandma’s), a quadruple bypass heart surgery, putting in a pacemaker to regulate her heart, putting stints in both legs at different points, having her blood sugar drop to 29 and had to be airlifted to a hospital 2 hours away while we drove, watching and listening to her coughing up blood a couple days before the heart surgery was supposed to happen and going 20 minutes to the local hospital, sitting there forever, then driving 2 hours to the other hospital at like 2 am, then telling us they are doing the surgery the next morning. Thus sitting in an unfamiliar and crowded hospital for hours. Sitting though arguments about how if she kept smoking she was going to die, one time being told by a doctor being to that if we hadn’t gotten her to the ER when we did, she wouldn’t have made it though the night, having her losing all but a very small amount of blood coursing through her because she had an internal gi bleed, mini strokes, a broken hip that landed her with a walker for the rest of her life, unknown number of trips to the hospital for dehydration because she would forget to drink water, even more seemingly endless fights about her smoking, her telling me (at 14-16 years old) not to tell my mom that she was smoking even though I knew it could kill her, and having her trying to light one while sitting with her oxygen tank (which could cause it to explode, for those who are unfamiliar).

All of this while I’m going through middle school, high school, and half of college. My mom working a full time job, taking care of her, me, our house, spending one summer coaching my softball team, getting her bachelors degree, and her master’s degree, making sure that I was always taken care of and loved, which I knew and I felt. My aunts and uncles doing minimal work living 2 and 6 hours away. I went through and became certified to take care of her as a provider so I could have a job and go to college.

Then the last month and a half of her life was probably the hardest. She got an infection in her foot. The hospital inserted a picc line where my mom and I had to give her bags of fluids through it at home, but nothing helped, so she was going to have to have part of her foot removed, but before that dementia hit hard and fast, there was watching her struggle to keep memories, having home hospice give us pamphlets explaining the warning signs of a person in the last stages of their life including the day she could pass, thinking my mom was her mom, not remembering me, having her be in a nursing home for a week or two and taking her out because it was an awful facility and we couldn’t stand having her there, watching her sleep for 2 days without getting up no matter what we did. My mom and I could never leave the house together. Someone always had to be with her because if she tried to get up, she would fall, except one night we found a service that sent a nurse to watch her for a couple of hours and my mom and I went to Applebees.

There was one day. January 13th 2016, where she was up, lucid, and alert. She got out of bed (with help) and sat at our kitchen table and ate lunch. That was a good day.

I tried so hard to make sure I didn’t have to be a priority for my mom to stress over. Sometimes I couldn’t help it, didn’t do well in a couple classes, needed money for things like prom or hanging out with friends, but I tried. This basically giving me the family label of “the one who’s always ok.” And I’m… well, ok with that. But the ending of the video I mention 2 miles up at the beginning of this post made me realize something. Something I didn’t realize I needed then until now.

I needed an outside party to just hold me and let me know they were there. I was never the type to need those things back then. I never asked my mom because she was losing, then lost her mom, her last living parent. My cousins all lived 2 to 6 hours away, my dad lived hours away, he gave his condolences, but he had just lost his mom the month before.

When my grandma passed in 2016, I felt blank, still do most of the time. I was sad of course, but I think I had just been suppressing everything in me, even now, that I felt nothing when it comes to many things. I didn’t know how to feel. I cried, I had a dream that it was false and she was still alive, but everything was and is so tight down in my stomach, I don’t even know what I feel.

Having not been in a relationship nor having any close enough friends to ask for platonic cuddles, then even until now when I’m 30 and still single with no friends, I don’t know what to do but make this long ass post. I was sitting in my office with silent tears realizing I needed affection from someone who wasn’t as close to the situation as another family member. I needed someone whose only priority was me. I know that sounds selfish, but still.

Aaaaaannnnnddddd I think I just found out why I love asmr rp videos. 😬😅

Alright, I’m gonna go find a therapist. (Not really)

[vacuously-true]

Cis intersex women being discriminated against in sports for not being "real" women is not misdirected transphobia, it is intersexism.

A century of sex testing for sports participation is intersexism. Calling intersex women "not real women" is intersexism. Saying their sporting successes are due to their not being real women is intersexism. This is on purpose, it's not collateral damage from transphobia. It's intersexism.

When you post about an intersex woman experiencing intersexism in sports but your message is "this person is experiencing transphobia, but actually they are cis! Let's talk about trans women being included in sports!" that is intersexism. If you're using instances of intersexism to discuss transphobia and not even acknowledging the intersexism, it's intersexism.

And it fucking hurts. It fucking hurts when I see a post about one of these athletes and I think "oh! Maybe this post is actually going to acknowledge the discrimination intersex people face! Maybe someone is actually going to care about us!" and the discrimination is immediately minimized and the spotlight is immediately yanked away.

Shut up shut up shut up people like me are worth caring about beyond the extent to which you can use us to talk about other issues!

[sonknuxadow]

sonics side of sonic x shadow generations vs shadows side of sonic x shadow generations

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

oh hey! i was reading a fic the other day where Wangji was once misspelled as Wangu. which leads me to: MDZS Pingu-style??? noot noot!

Do you think love can bloom on the sea ice?

[opbackgrounds]

These Sanji panels drive me insane

[myoonmii]

I can’t believe Arthur had his entire perception of Merlin shattered before him and still managed to fall in love with him all over again in a day

[royalarchivist]

Pac: Take care of Ramon, take care of Richas, ok? See you on the other side, big boy.

Fit: [Laughs] Take it easy, big boy. Take it easy, big boy. Actually, nononono– You can't just say "big boy" and then just expect me to not drag you outta here. [Fit tries to lasso Pac] You're coming with me.

Pac: No, I need to leave!

Fit: You're coming with me. You are not dying today! You are not dying today!

Pac: I need to leave, Fit! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Ironmouse: Are you guys like, having sexy time?

Fit: There's homosexual activity going on Mouse, don't worry about us, ok?

Ironmouse: You guys, we don't have time to be gay right now.

[ Full Transcript ↓ ]

-

Pac: I'm just here to say goodbye to you, Fit.

Fit: Goodbye? We're not– we're gonna be fine, we're going to get out of here, don't worry.

Aypierre: Yeah, don't worry!

Pac: I know, but like– I will sleep until the end, you know? I will pass through this moment sleeping, man. I won't be able to be awake for the moment.

Fit: [Laughs] You know, it's– I mean, if that's how you wanna go, but– I mean, that- I mean, isn't that bed kind of like.... I don't know, it's–

Pac: No no, I will be staying on the sofa, you know, I will be staying on the sofa.

Fit: Oh the sofa. Ok, that's a nice sofa! Yeah, that is a pretty nice sofa.

Pac: Yeah, it's a nice sofa right? No, yeah– I'm going to stay on the sofa, you know? So, since I will be going Fit... [Pac starts tossing Fit all his items]

Aypierre: [Not paying attention to their conversation] Is that bigger cell? I don't think it's a bigger- biggest one.

Fit: Oh... Thank you Pac, thank you.

Pac: Everything you need to survive, ok?

Fit: Wow.

Aypierre: Wow.

Pac: And if you need this one also, maybe, who knows? [Throws him more items]

Fit: Ohhh, well hey– just take this to remember me by, ok? [Tosses him a photo of himself – the same one Aypierre was carrying all day yesterday]

Pac: [Laughs] Ok, I will sleep holding the picture you know, like this. You know, I will dream about you, Fit. And I hope this is gonna be good dreams. I see you in the other side. Good luck, my friend.

Fit: The other side... Yeah, you know, yeah, we– we– you know? It's been an honor, Pac. It's been an honor, you know?

Pac: Yeah, for me too, you know? Take care of Ramon, take care of Richas, ok?

Fit: Ok.

Pac: See you on the other side, big boy.

Fit: I will sing your praise– Oh yeah, hey– [Laughs] Take it easy, big boy. Take it easy, big boy. Actually, nononono– You can't just say "big boy" and then just expect me to not drag you outta here. You're coming with me.

Pac: No, I need to leave!

Fit: You're coming with me. You are not dying today! You are not dying today!

Pac: I need to leave, Fit! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Fit: Sorry, there's–

Pac: I'm sorry!

Ironmouse: Are you guys like, having sexy time?

Fit: There's homosexual activity going on Mouse, don't worry about us, ok?

Ironmouse: You guys, you guys– we don't have time to be gay right now, come on. There's no time.

Pac: No, there's no time! Oh, goodbye Fit...

Fit: Ok, c'mon, no no no, come on, we got this we got this!

Pac: Goodbye Fit, I'm sorry!

Fit: [Laughs] Oh no...

[crispywizardtale]

[post-it-notes7]

WHY IS MIR FALSPAR CRACKING ANYWAY??? WHAT DID HE DO

once upon a time there was a set of rules, and he broke one

[turboemmy]

the one anime thatll always be in my heart

[hot-coco]

She's innocent