#recovering from an ed when you have chronic pain and a very restricted diet for medical reasons is no fun

[dorianbrightmusic]

some thoughts on body neutrality, moral perfectionism, and reasons for recovery

I've been having quite a fun time in therapy lately. And I'm gonna be sharing some of the things I've contemplated of late, in part because I am having quite the body-hating week.

In my own experience, having an ED means being a moral perfectionist. I want to point out the present tense here—while I'm officially three years into full remission, I still walk with my ED's voice dictating edicts on all it finds disgusting or reprehensible, and sometimes, I can't distinguish it from my own. The problem with moral perfectionism is that everything is a matter of morals—there is no distinction between logic and emotion. Body positivity feels, at this point, impossible—even if I liked my body (which I don't), it's still too often dysfunctional or achey to really be comfortable with. I'm grateful that it's as functional as it is, but it's still frustrating that it doesn't quite work as I wish it would. Body neutrality should resolve this frustration, or make space for it, at least. But the problem is, how can one be body-neutral when everything, everything, has moral worth? When everything requires judgement?

When I first was ill, my reasons for recovery were thus: I was embarrassed by my illness, and I felt horrible for my parents. So, I forced myself to regain weight, hoping it would mean Mum and Dad wouldn't worry about me any longer. Of course, weight restoration made things better, but it didn't exactly resolve a lifetime of internalised biases and judgements that had culminated in anorexia nervosa. And even all these years later, I still have never had a reason to want recovery on my own terms. I've wanted to not worry others, and I've wanted not to have to ever go back to refeeding. I've wanted not to go back to the vivid, violent intrusive thoughts, or to the possibility of hair loss. But I didn't really want to be well for my own sake, otherwise.

Recently, I've had to avoid FODMAPs, and the result is that I'm restricting again for medical reasons. And it's difficult not to fall back into ignoring dietary advice, difficult not to give into the bit of my brain that wants to maintain the supposedly unwanted weight loss. So, I have to find some reason not to give in, especially when body neutrality feels impossible, and when every percentage of a kilogram lost or gained feels like a sin.

My therapist asked me: if everything is moral, what value do you want to attach weight stability to?

Once, I'd have said 'compassion', because I didn't want to hurt people. This time I stopped a moment, and said 'resilience' instead.

She asks me to elaborate.

'The thing is, if I'm working with "compassion", the problem is that it's all about trying not to upset others. And at the end of the day, that says that my body's inherently an upsetting thing to other people. That it's good or bad. It's feeding back into the same problem as "justice": it's attaching the whole thing to external valuation.

'But if I go with "resilience" instead, it's not about whether it's perceived as better or worse, be that better in terms of"'less large'"or "less sick and less upsetting to others". Instead, the moral worth comes from choosing resistance anyway, regardless of whether other people can see that.'

When you recover because you don't want to hurt people, you still end up believing that your body is either good or bad, and that you are, for all intents and purposes, covered in spikes, and agonising to touch. But if you instead focus on recovery for the sake of your own inner strength, there's capacity for growth, but no chance of feeling judged by the universe itself for existing in ever so slightly a different shape to yesterday. There's still a moral worth and a sense of gratification from working towards resilience, but it's not something you have to scrounge about for.

So, starting from here, I'm in recovery on my own terms. And I think that's important, because it's thus a little easier to tolerate eating, and to tolerate sitting still, and to tolerate aching. It's a little easier to tolerate the weight of being when you exist for your own sake, rather than someone else's.

[justseveralowls]

Rant/Facts about ED Recovery and Diet Culture:

Alright, so this is J and I have been scrolling through Pinterest and am pissed the fuck off about the sheer amount of diet culture polluted bullshit I have been seeing. So I, a recovering bulimic in a system with three people struggling with or in recovery from anorexia is about to go off. SO here is a list of FACTs plus sources for your trouble. I know my grammar may suck, I know, but I get word/letter order fucked so bear with me. There will be swearing because this is me we are talking about.

1. BMI IS THE SINGLE BIGGEST CROCK OF SHIT EVER

BMI was made by a mathematician, not a doctor, medical professional, nutritionist or otherwise. It does not take in muscle mass, body type, actual physical health, and other very important factors.

BASED ON MATH FROM THE 1830s, (Can you say classism, racism, and sexism much???)

Personally, the body we are in was nearly a ‘healthy’ BMI when our heart and kidneys were starting to shut down (this was confirmed by a doctor)

2. Extreme hunger/ Intense preoccupation with food is NOT normal.

 It’s a sign that your nutritional needs are not being met and is a major red flag for an eating disorder.

R and D both experienced this and both thought they were just ‘gross’ or weird. It took three weeks in inpatient treatment to realize that was because of the extreme restriction

3. BINGE EATING DOES NOT MAKE YOU GROSS EVER OR AT ALL

People who restrict their food intake, whether sporadically or chronically, tend to binge eat. 

Binging is NOT because of a problem with ‘self-discipline’ but because the body has decided they are in famine mode meaning it’s crucial to eat whatever/ as much as possible because the body doesn’t have any idea when there will be food next. (hence why it’s the stuff that’s convenient or close by, even if you hate the stuff.)

Even people with ‘strictly’ restrictive eating disorders can experience binging. In fact, it’s even more common.

4. CARBS ARE THE BODY’S PREFERRED SOURCE OF ENERGY

Carbs are easy to turn into glucose/easily usable energy. This means that our bodies crave/like these because it’s the easiest/ most efficient fuel for our bodies

While our bodies need every nutrient, there is a reason we crave carbs. Every freaking culture (at least that I can think of) has a heavy emphasis on carbs (rice, wheat, barley, corn...). THINKING ABOUT IT I THINK EVERY CULTURE HAS A BREAD OF SORTS

Our ancestors survived off of a LOT of carbs, and that was because they were and are necessary.

EXCLUDING diabetes, certain metabolic/medical conditions and dietary needs, YOU DON’T NEED TO BE SCARED OF CARBS

5. REMEMBER MY CARBS RANT??? Well, guess what? Fats are important and necessary too!

6. Cutting out food groups, unless medically necessary and or recommended by a doctor is NOT a good plan.

Excluding allergies/intolerances or medical problems, you will not benefit from removing food groups from your diet.

The gluten-free diet trend is a really great example

Now. I HAVE CELIAC. Meaning I have eliminated gluten to keep myself safe, healthy and prevent myself from being violently sick or becoming malnourished. I know allergies and intolerances are real and debilitating and that is not what I am talking about. I am also excluding Vegetarian and other sorts of choices because there is medical evidence that in MOST cases you can do in a safe and healthy way.

If you do not have an intolerance, allergy or otherwise. There is no reason or benefit from switching to a gluten-free diet. Trust me from experience it is a huge pain, makes eating out, travel, and meals in general so much more stressful.

7. Eating chocolate, or more frowned upon foods is NOT bad and should not make you feel ashamed or guilty

THERE IS NO BAD FOOD UNLESS IT IS POISON, WILL MAKE YOU SICK, OR IF YOUR ALLERGIC TO IT. (looking at you bread and fudging peanuts)

Treats or food you enjoy is good, and not bad. Hell, anything in moderation or without disordered intent is FINE as long as it doesn’t harm you.

Again to reiterate FOOD IS FOOD AND FOOD IS IMPORTANT

8. Extreme/Rapid weight loss is DANGEROUS regardless of your starting size/weight

I have seen way too many articles that boast things about losing weight fast and that is terrifying because that is dangerous!!!!

I am not saying that everyone who ever has lost weight ever is in horrible danger, but specifically fast and extreme changes in weight is scary. And can indicate serious medical issues or an eating disorder.

9. For the love of God, stop commenting on people’s weight, whether gain or loss

When we as a system left treatment we were back to a healthier weight but the constant commentary of ‘oh you look great’ or just weird looks made things so much fudging harder.

Two weeks before we were hospitalized we had people asking how ‘we did it’ which unintentionally or not, encouraged the habits that were killing us.

You CANT know how/why someone’s weight has changed. They could be really sick. They could be struggling. SO just hush up and don’t say shit.

10. Your body is made to function, keep you alive, and keep you safe. NOT to be aesthetically pleasing

Your set point or the place your body naturally needs/wants to be weight wise is based on biological factors and needs, there is nothing wrong with it being higher than ‘average’, or where you or society wants it to be.

Some people have certain features that are glamorized as attractive. But this is NOT possible for everyone. (It’s not discipline, workouts, or diet. It’s fucking genetics, bone structure, and physiology)

All the ‘negative features of the human body (body fat, pouch on the stomach, weight distribution) Have a purpose and are necessary.

YOUR HEALTH AND SAFETY IS WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN STUPID SOCIETAL IDEAS.

You owe it to yourself to be able to have a healthy relationship with food and your body. You do not need to earn the right to eat or appreciate your body, it is a right. You can have a healthy, productive and happy life without a ‘perfect’ or even ‘attractive’ body. You do not have to justify the things your body needs to function in a safe and healthy way. You are more than a number, more than a measurement, and more than an arbitrary idea of beauty. You are human, you are enough, you are lovable, you are worthy of life and happiness. You can do this. You so loved.

Self-care mother fuckers,

J 

[iliketoeatmyself]

ED BOOKS

I stole this from mpa (because I wanted to save it) but I’m going to highlight those I’VE READ... also I might add some others as time goes... 

Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson (it was a good read!)

Solitaire by Aimee Liu * (Considered first anorexia memoir. Thus, there are points when EDs aren't completely understood, but still totally worth the read. Available through KU.)

Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain by Portia de Rossi (it was really good and real tbh)* (One of my faves! A memoir that really captivated me)

Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia * (Really is what it says on the tin and so much more. This memoir captures the darkest parts of EDs and is done very logically, stabilizing itself with facts that are intermixed by the chaos of EDs).

Just Listen by Sarah Dessen (Romance)

Thin by Lauren Greenfield (Nonfiction elements. Like the TV documentary of the same name, but of course, the book has more details.)

The Best Little Girl in the World by Steven Levenkron (NOT like the movie. Based on research of EDs in figure skating and gymnastics.)

Perfect by Natasha Friend

Purge: Rehab Diaries by Nicole J. Johns

Skinny by Ibi Kasliky

Loud Girl in the House of Myself: A Memoir of a Strange Girl by Stacy Pershall

Gaining: The Truth about Life After EDs by Aimee Liu (same author as Solitaire)

Identical by Ellen Hopkins * (Written in same manner as her other books, which is basically more like a poem than traditional novel format. LOVE this book and recommend the authors other, non ED books)

Letting Ana Go by Anonymous

Massive by Julia Bell

Keeping the Moon by Sarah Dessen (Romance)

Hungry: A Young Model's Story of Appetite Ambition and the Ultimate Embrace of Curves

She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb

Thin by Grace Bowman (memoir)

The Disappearing Girl by Heather Topham Wood (Romance, KU)

After the Strawberry by Adrienne Maria Vrettos

Purge by Sarah Darer Littman

Beautiful Me by Natasha Jennings

Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff (it was okay, the sister of mc has an ed)

Pointe by Brandy Colbert (Very dramatic. Deals with sexual abuse and also kidnapping in addition to an ED. Still not sure how I feel about this book, but a read that is very interesting, especially for those who like reading all things ballet. Also, this is nice because a black girl is not only a ballet dancer, but also has an ED, which is not portrayed enough!)

Looks by Madeleine George

Kessa by Steven Levenkron (I'd say this is probably for younger readers, but hey, you're never too old to read any book in my mind!)

My Sister's Bones by Cathi Hanauer * (Really liked this book and it isn't necessarily because of the ED part of it. I just like the whole feel and author's style)

Parperweight by Meg Haston

You Remind Me of You: A Poetry Memoir by Eireann Corrigan

Chalked Up: Inside Elite Gymnastics' Merciless Coaching, Overzealous Parents, Eating Disorders and Elusive Olympic Dreams by Jennifer Sey (Wow, that's a mouth full!)

Believarexic by J.J. Johnson

Feeling For Bones by Bethany Pierce

More Than You Can Chew by Marnelle Tokio

A Dance of Sisters by Tracey Porter

Gravity Journal by Gail Sobat

Elena Vanishing by Elena Dunkle (A memoir written with her mother)

Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver (Haven't read this in a long time, but I remember liking it)

A Trick of the Light by Lois Metzger * (One of my favourites! About a male with an ED.)

Starved by Michael Somers (Another good male ED novel)

Reckoning Daze by Michael Beaulieu (Currently free kindle edition is available)

Thin (Sharing Spaces Book 3) by Alicia Michaels (This is part of a romance series and is the third book. This one focuses on the ED character, but there are hints to the ED in other books. You don't necessarily need to read the other books in the series and can figure things out without reading them first. I actually read this book before the others)

Cake Dreams: A Memoir of Survival by Hoyt Phillips * (Another male ED book. Great multi-faceted portrayal of EDs and general metal illness. Available on KU)

Not My Father's Son: A Memoir by Alan Cumming * (It's been a while since I've read it, but I recall there being an ED. The book does not focus on the ED, but it is thrown in there, adding to an already fascinating, interesting read.)

Nothing by Robin Friedman (Another male ED book)

Lighter and Weightless (books 1 and 2 of Begin Again Duet series) by Gia Riley (Romance and available on KU)

...And All Shall Fade to Black by Layla Dorine (Gay Romance, male with ED, available on KU).

Still Water: A Boys of Bellamy Novel by Ruthie Luhnow (Gay romance, male with ED, available on KU)

Four Weeks, Five people by Jennifer Yu * (A male wannabe rock star with an ED. He is 1/5th of the main characters who all have other mental disorders and have been sent away to camp to help with their various mental illnesses).

Phat (Escape From Reality series) by Taylor Henderson (Part of a series. KU)

Life-size (no, not like the Lindsey Lohan movie) by Jenefer Shute (Available through Kindle unlimited)

Love Struck (Star Struck Series) by Amber Garza (Romance series. KU).

Fake Perfect Me by Cari Kamm (KU)

Out of Breath (Exposed Series) by Hazel Kelly  (KU).

The Kaitlyn Chronicles series by Elaine Babich (Series, for younger readers. KU).

Please Don't Go by Elizabeth Benning (A bulimic sent to a residence to recover and teams up with anorexic former enemy in hopes of escaping)

Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen * (very great!! I loved this one, it’s not only about the ed, but human nature and emotions) (A classic novel that everyone interested in metal health should read).

Do or Die (Fight or Flight Series #4) by Jamie Canosa (Romance series. KU).

Hungry: One Woman's Battle and Victory over Anorexia and Bulima by Jessica Skinner (The title pretty much says all you need to know. KU).

My Perfect Little Secret by Rebecca Coppage (KU).

Anorexic: The True Story of An Anorexia Survivor Who Found Love by Anna Paterson (This is romantic, but I wouldn't call it romance. KU).

Balance of Control by Stephanie Nance

Running in Silence: My Drive for Perfection and the Eating Disorder that Fed it by Rachael Rose Steil

My Not-So Secret by B.P. Morrison (KU).

26 Beats per Minute by Dez Wilder (Male with ED. Memoir. KU).

Summer Fades by Amanda Bews (KU).

It's Never Enough (Book 1 in Never Series) by Susan Soares (Series. KU).

Restricted: A Novel of Half-truths by Jennifer Kinsel * (KU).

Chrysalis by L.A. Field, Gary Thaller * (KU).

A Slow Fade by Brooke Melius (KU).

All We Ever Wanted: Unmasking the Silent Battle by Alexandra Wnuk (KU).

Life Hurts: A Doctor's Personal Journey Through Anorexia by Dr. Eliabeth Mcnaught *

A Fork in the Road by Rebekah Wilson (KU).

Skin Deep (Stolen Breaths series) by Pamela Sparkman (Romance Series. KU).

Feeding the Heart (Heart Series) by Marion Myles (Romance Series. KU).

Anorexic Annie by Sarah Burleton * (KU).

The Downside of Being Charlie by Jenny Torres Sanchez * (Male with ED, the ED is not a huge part of the book, but also deals with family dysfunction, which I always find interesting).

The Art of Starving by Sam J. Miller * (This is very interesting. Male with ED. Deals with super powers! Though, it could just be the ED causing the protagonist to think he has powers, but I'll let you be the judge!)

Skinny Boy: A Young Man's Battle and Triumph Over Anorexia by Gary A. Grahl

It Was Me All Along: A Memoir by Andie Mitchell * (about binge eater who lost weight)

Safety in Numbers by Brittany Burgunder *

Skinny: She was starving to fit in... (False reflections book 1) by Laura L. Smith (Currently free kindle edition is available).

When You Fall by Alex Karola * (through Wattpad. Not finished yet, but is a great read!)

Inner Hunger: A Young Woman's Struggle Through Anorexia and Bulimia by Marianne Apostolides

Empty: A Story of Anorexia by Christie Pettit

Inside Out: Portrait of an Eating Disorder by Nadia Shivack

Not Otherwise Specified by Hannah Moskowitz *

All Good Things Die in LA by Anhoni Patel *

Jane in Bloom by Deborah A. Lytton (Another one for younger readers. Still, a nice read)

Gravity Journal by Gail Sidonie Sobat

What I Lost by Alexandra Ballard *

This Impossible Light by Lily Myers (told in verse)

Sad Perfect by Stephanie Elliot (the girl has avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder)

Beautiful Bodies by Kimberly Rae Miller * (this is a KU book and is a fairly new release as of 7/28/17. It is about disordered eating and chronic dieting, not a full blown ED; however, I still enjoyed it and recommend it).

Shattered Image: My Triumph over Body Dysmorphic Disorder by Brian Cuban * (KU, male memoir detailing ED struggle and primarily his struggle with BDD)

Sugar by Deirdre Riordan Hall (KU)

Empty Net (Scoring Chances Book 4) by Avon Gale * (gay romance about bulimic hockey player)

Heavyweight by MB Mulhall (Male protagonist)

Just Jack by Shaun Powell (KU, male protagonist)

Don't Call Me Kit Kat by K.J. Farnham (for younger audience definitely)

Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body by Roxanne Gay (BED)

Skin and Bones by Sherry Shahan (Male protagonist)

Skinny Me by Charlene Carr

Wrists by Jay Broderick (male protagonist)

Unicorns and Rainbow Poop by Sam Kadence (male, gay, romance)

Bare Roots by Molly S. Hillery (KU)

Grip by Adex Garza (KU, male. Deals with morbid obesity)

Rita Just Wants to be Thin by Mary W. Walters (KU)

Taint by Jude Nicholas (KU)

Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa by Joan Jacobs Brumberg

13 Ways of Looking at a Fat Girl by Mona Awad

Hunger Pains: The Modern Woman's tragic Quest  for Thinness by Mary Pipher

The Stone Girl by Alyssa B. Sheinmel

Pretend We are Lovely by Noley Reid

Stick Figure by Lori Gottilieb

Diary of an Exercise Addict by Peach Friedman

The Anorexia Diaries by Linda Rio

Feed Me!: Writers Dish about Food, Eating, Weight, and Body Image by Harriet Brown

Insatiable: A Young Mother's Struggle with Anorexia by Erica Rivera

How I Got Skinny, Famous, and Fell Madly in Love by Ken Baker (about a girl who goes on a reality TV show to lose weight. Fun read)

Inside Out: Portrait of an Eating Disorder by Nadia Shivack

Perfect: Anorexia and Me by Emily Halban

Losing it by Sandy McKay

Fragile by Nikki Grahame

My Big Fat Disaster by Beth Fehlbaum

Thin Ice by Niki Settimo (romance)

Unfiltered by Lily Collins (not solely a book about ED, but the topic is mentioned throughout)

Good Luck with That by Kristan Higgins (coming out on August 7, 2018)

Staving in the Search of Me by Marissa LaRocca

Feast (True Love In and Out of the Kitchen) by Hannah Howard

The Solitude of Prime Numbers by Paolo Giordano (the mc is anorexic but it’s not focused on it only. This book is about two outcasts who connect to each other and its effect of it in the course of their lives)

The Vegetarian by Han Kang (it’s very good and wild. It also tackles on feminism and societal issues as well)

Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki  and His Years of Pilgrimage by Haruki Murakami (it’s a great book. The ed is not the main point but there is a character suffering from one)

[scripttorture]

A character a nearly beaten to death with blows using a knuckleduster to the face and torso and afterwards receives no medical attention and is starved. What would their mental and physical state be like with these conditions over the course of a month? (I want to show the progression of deterioration)

OK well this isn’timpossible by any means but my answer is assuming that by ‘starved’ you mean avery restricted diet rather than absolutely no food and there are a couple ofthings you should be aware of with beatings.

 The first is the waythey kill. A major cause of death is kidney failure. Repeated blows and massivedamage to the muscles leads to a lot of very large proteins being released intothe blood stream. These are channelled to the kidneys (because it usuallyfilters poisons out of the blood) and…well basically there’s too much for thekidneys to cope with. They fail and that leads to death.

 This means someone canbe beaten to death and die days later.

 Another possible issueis the ‘coward punch’. A single sudden blow to the head (often when the victimwasn’t expecting it) that knocks them instantly unconscious. These regularlykill. The victim can’t protect themselves as they fall and they tend to getmassive head injuries when they hit the ground.

 Then there’s the possibilityof straight up death from brain injury caused by repeated blows to the head.

 What I’m essentiallytrying to highlight here is that beatings like this can easily be lethal in anumber of ways and the time scale can vary hugely depending on what the majorinjury is.

 If you want thecharacter to die there’s a lot of points where something could realistically gowrong. If you want the character to live that’s also perfectly possible.

 If there’s just the onebeating at the beginning of this ordeal then the majority of the deteriorationthe character goes through will be from being starved. Generally speaking abeating, even a serious one, isn’t going to cause a whole lot of physical deteriorationlater. I’d expect the character todie within a week, be in a coma for months, or not die.

 With no medicalattention I’d say a coma would be an unlikely outcome: if the character wentinto a coma they wouldn’t linger they’d die.

 The real lifecomparison I keep thinking of is work camps and concentration camps, which alltend/ed to rely on a combination of beatings, starvation and forced labour. Ithink that any survivor’s account of such a situation be helpful. I personallylike Ronald Searle’s combination of written and artistic account in To the Kwai and Back, but there are alot of others. Accounts of gulags or British concentration camps in Africa mightbe more helpful to you than accounts in central Europe.

 With no medicalattention and a sparse diet I think you’re also going to need to considerdiseases and exposure.

 The sort of torture you’redescribing is often combined with inadequate accommodations of some kind.Heatstroke, hypothermia and so forth aren’t necessarily going to happen, but awounded and starving character is going to be more vulnerable to changes intemperature. It’s a possible complication to consider.

 Starvation makes peoplemore vulnerable to disease. In cramped conditions with other people parasitescan be a particular problem and gut worms can be very dangerous indeed. Things likefevers, common cold and diarrhoea can kill. Now if the character is surroundedby healthy people then some of the diseases commonly seen in famine conditionswill be less likely: things like typhus and typhoid for instance probably won’tbe a problem. But they will still have an extremely weakened immune system andwill get hit hard by just about every bug going round.

 Psychologicallyspeaking I think in that monthstarvation is going to have a bigger impact than beatings. Once the characterhas recovered from starvation and is eating normally the reverse will be true. The traumatising effect of that kind ofvicious attack lasts, while the psychological effect of starving only seems tolast as long as the person is starving.

 The longer term effectsof the beating arebroadly covered in this Masterpost on the common effects of torture. With afew exceptions the method of torture doesn’t affect the symptoms victims develop.We don’t have a way to predict symptoms in reality so I tend to suggest authorschose the symptoms they feel fit the character and story best.

 Memory problems areextremely common following the sort of attack you describe and are rarely shownin fiction. Chronic pain is also a very common symptom after beatings and in a scenariowhere the character has no medical help it seems more likely: there are goingto be things that healed a little ‘off’.

 These symptoms would bepresent during the month the character is being starved, but they’re likely tobe….less prominent than the effects of starvation itself.

 Now thebest source I have on what starvation does to individuals is, happily,available for free online. It’s essentially the brief notes on the MinnesotaStarvation Experiment. During World War 2 a bunch of pacifists voluntarilystarved themselves so that scientists could study the effect of starvation onhuman beings and find better ways ofhelping the starving recover.

 I think that’s prettybadass and I also found it really helpful for writing and understanding whatstarvation does to someone. The men kept diaries, which go a long way toturning the symptoms from a list of long words into something you can reallysee a character going through.

 MyMasterpost on starvation is here. That’s probably going to be the quickestthing to look at in terms of physical effects of starvation.

 In a month on a veryrestricted diet (ie some but inadequate food) then some of the physicalconditions are less likely to be prominent. Nutritional deficiency baseddiseases, oedema, prolapsed uterus are much more likely in someone who’s beenstarved for longer. Increased hair growth could have started and the characterwill probably have lost enough body fat and muscle that difficulty controllingbody temperature, weakness and fainting fits would all apply.

 The character’s lookswould change considerably and in a way that might well be shocking to peoplewho know them. It can have a strange effect on people’s faces as the fat whichgives the face its shape starts to vanish. Given the time frame involved I’dsay that wasting of the body, the effect on the skin (drier, ashen, drained)and the hair (brittle, faded) would be very noticeable.

 The change in theirpersonality might be more disturbing though.

 Starving people areextremely volatile, apathetic to almost everything around them and completelyobsessed with food. They don’t have a lot of energy and they find it difficultto motivate themselves to do anything that isn’t food related. They’reincredibly anxious and suffer from severe mood swings.

 I give a more thoroughlist in the Masterpost and the summary of the Minnesota Starvation Experiment Ilinked to includes extracts from the subjects’ diaries at different time pointsduring the experiment.

 In terms of showing this deterioration I think thathaving the beating first complicates things a little. There’s going to be aperiod of over a week where the character is still recovering physically fromthe beating and as a result they may not recognise some of the psychologicalsymptoms of starvation as related to starvation. They might not even realisesome of these changes are happening at all.

 Depending on how you writethat could make things easier or a lot more difficult. Including incidents thatforce the character to confront changes in themselves and their mental statewould probably be a good way of showing what they’re going through.

 If the character is normallyquite morally upstanding I’d suggest focusing on the emotional blunting andapathy particularly. Because the character could recognise these and be shockedat their own response, and yet still find it incredibly difficult to do whatthey know to be ‘the right thing’.

 Having other charactersaround who can see these changes from the outside would also help. They’re morelikely to recognise the changes aschanges.

 If there are furtherbeatings during this ordeal then the character may assume that any changes theynotice in themselves are down to the beatings or recovering from them, ratherthan lack of food.

 The effects ofstarvation will manifest gradually, getting worse with time, and they willvanish almost entirely as the character is allowed to eat properly and recover.

 The effects of thebeatings and any other tortures wouldn’tmanifest gradually. They turn to show up almost immediately and would generallybe with a survivor in some form for the rest of their lives. Those are thingsthe character will have to learn to work around and live with rather than thingsthat can be ‘cured’.

 I hope that helps. :)

Disclaimer

[hobohumanitarian6]

hey so i’ve been cutting for more than 6 months or so and i had some questions. i used to be a competitive swimmer and quit, over quarantine i gained so much weight and i need some form of excercise again. so i need to get back in the pool but i can’t because of the scars on my thighs. i cant swim with shorts on that will cover them so i can’t think of anything else to do. again, i need to exercise but i hate running and other stuff i can only swim basically :/ does anyone know what i can do? please help me

i’m also new to ed stuff. my family is also very observant and overprotective of me and notice every time i skip a meal, don’t eat enough, or stare at a recipe for too long. i manage to skip breakfast and lunch but my family always eats dinner together. i’m not really into purging so is there anythbig i can do?

much love stay safe xoxo

GahhHi lovely 💕 I'm so sorry to hear your suffering 🥺🥺

Oh I love swimming but my thighs are so fucked up so I know how you feel... It's so frustrating. I've been gaining/losing/plateauing and it's so maddening. The gentle but efficient exercise i know is a combination of yoga/pilates/barre/aerobic and upper strength training. I have a lot of chronic pain/lower body issues so the gentler and more calorie burning the exercise, the better. There are some free piyo workouts on YouTube that are real fat blasters if you are able to stream on your phone without being suspicious. I live with super nosey roommates so I workout in the bathroom/shower/when they go out if I feel insecure, so you could probably do the same with your family if you feel like you need to. See if you can time yourself to a playlist of songs like you have to sprint or walk that many paces before an x amount of songs end.

ThRough My best suggestion would be to exaggerate how you're "really not feeling well" and eat so slow and drink so much they finally let you up from the table. When I used to restrict constantly I made up a story that I couldn't digest meat and I needed to be a vegetarian cuz most veggies are LC. I'd take showers or blast loud music if I binged on crap and wanted to make myself puke. I don't recommend diet pills and laxs and di's cuz they just dehydrate you and give you terrible cramps.

MY best advice would be to try to have small meals and workout regularly and love yourself. That's so easy to say - i know - but trust and believe if you are just new to this stuff it's addicting and it is hard to recover from when you get hooked. Try not to compare yourself with others and be patient with your body. Work at your goals. And ofc try to stop self harming. Let the scars on your thighs heal. Cut on your hips or feet if you need to hide. Please before that find anything else to do, I can tell you are so young and everyone is beautiful and worthy of love and being safe, and I know it's so hard to stop cuz it's already been 13 years for me and I just relapsed last night. I can only suggest how avoid the pain, because I don't know how to get through it. My inbox is always open and I hope you find a good person to lean on. Please don't go down this road, when you decide to turn back it's often much too late ❤️❤️

Tag others to love themselves 🥰

DaEr SihT SDrawkcab dna esu eht tsrif rettel fo hcae hpargarap

[survivorsforcannabis-blog]

How Can Weed Help Eating and Appetite Issues Caused by Sexual Trauma Plus (C)PTSD?

Our relationships with food and with our bodies are often directly or indirectly impacted by sexual trauma and the illnesses that (C)PTSD may bring. To get an idea of the ways that cannabis might help (or not help) these issues, we invited our community to share their experiences. We asked in a yes-or-no poll, “Does cannabis help you with eating/appetite issues (including but not limited to eating disorder symptoms)?” to which 94% of respondents said "yes." The following comments come from survivors of different backgrounds, genders and ages. In their own words, in no particular order: “I go through periods of severe panic and depression due to PTSD, and my appetite disappears. Eating makes me nauseous. Cannabis allows me/stimulates an appetite, and even if it’s not much, I at least have the opportunity to take in some kind of sustenance. I starve myself far too often that the munchies are very welcome when they come along.” ✦ “My eating disorder included diet pills that ruined my stomach so I’m always nauseous when I eat. Cannabis allows me to eat! I also learned to love food because of how much cannabis as a plant has changed my life.” ✦ “I have struggled with eating disorders forever. I’m at the point in my life where I need THC + CBD in my system before I can comfortably eat anything. It can be a nuisance when traveling, but overall, I got a good grasp on it. My therapist is proud.” ✦ “I was abused on a full stomach. Cannabis helps relieve my body from the idea that the two are related so I can stay healthy and eat without fear.” ✦ “I said no [to the poll] because it definitely increases my appetite which has been hard on me mentally, but cannabis has allowed me to access a place of self-love and forgiveness so when I do eat, I can better reflect on my bad feelings surrounding food and how I can forgive myself for my lapses (when I think I’ve eaten too much). I definitely still struggle with disordered eating habits even with cannabis in my life, but I’m finally opening the avenues within myself for change.” ✦ “I have an undiagnosed ailment that causes me to vomit every day for 3 months, and I lost 50 pounds because of it. I was passing out and constantly dizzy and overwhelmed, until I started smoking regularly. Now it’s one of the only ways to calm my nausea, and help me eat and maintain a healthy weight.” ✦ “I do remain cautious since THC can really go both ways. Cannabis has helped me regain my lost appetite due to constant migraines and nausea but it also has increased my tendencies to binge and purge. I am now trying CBD instead, especially before meals and trying to force my body to eat, then consume cannabis after.” ✦ "I have bulimia but it is a cycle of anorexia and binging and since using cannabis and CBD along with therapy, it is helping. THC helps me get hungry and feel good in my body [and ingesting cannabis in oil forms really helps GI issues]. A lot of ED survivors experienced sexual abuse so we try to control and escape our body. I feel cannabis helps me love my body more and feel normal without being so anxious or not hungry. I owe so much to Mary Jane." ✦ “One of the ways in which my trauma shows is in my lack of ability to take care of my basic needs consistently. Mostly I ‘forget’ to eat and cannabis ensures that I do. Also, due to chronic inflammation of my vagus nerve, I am often nauseous and can’t/won’t eat. Cannabis eliminates the nausea and it brings my appetite back. Without cannabis I would not be able to eat as much as I actually need, so I’m extremely grateful for the munchies effect.” ✦ “I developed anorexia as a preteen from being hyper-stimulated with pro-ana media – both that I looked for, and stick-thin bodies promoted in media by celebs like Paris Hilton. I was ritualizing when and what I ate. I started working out obsessively… in middle school. Cannabis currently reminds me to eat, especially on days I’ve been running on only coffee or feel too busy to eat.” ✦ “With chronic pain and chronic daily migraines, I have no appetite, but cannabis helps give me one.” ✦ “Growing up, my abusers instilled in me a lot of disordered eating habits, which also partly came from the historical/cultural trauma of our people. Today, weed helps me manage my relationships both with food and my body.” ✦ “I developed a routine without even realizing it. It’s hard for me to eat (trauma, anxiety, disordered eating, all that) so after I have a few bites my body tries to tell me I’m full, so I always eat half my dinner, smoke and then I’m able to eat the rest of my food. I didn’t realize I’d made this routine til I tried to eat out at a restaurant and I was like oh no, this isn’t going to work lol.” ✦ “I had surgery about a year ago that caused me to lose about 30 pounds. Considering the fact that I was 110 to begin with, this was a good fraction of my body weight. When I was finally able to eat solid foods, cannabis was able to bring my appetite back and also help me hold down food more.” ✦ “It’s been a tool throughout my journey in recovery from anorexia. Although I’ve abused it in the past, it now helps with pain relief, as an appetite stimulant, and just to relax which is really hard lol! I love cannabis for the communal aspect as well – necessary for healing!” ✦ “Since my mom died last year, I’ve had zero appetite. I got scared as I abruptly lost almost 40 pounds. I’d go all day and be close to fainting because I forgot. I depend on ‘munchies’ to feed myself while I work through my grief.” ✦ “Mostly, sometimes, it makes me eat things that hurt my tummy so ya know, it’s a balance for me.” ✦ “Cannabis is so necessary for my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome)! I wake up with some of the worst stomach pains in the morning, as soon as I smoke I feel fine. It helps me eat too and with nausea in the morning. Cannabis is the only thing that’s ever helped my IBS and doctors continuously try to convince me to take a pill three times a day. I know what works and that’s my medicine.” ✦ “I have hEDs (Ehlers-Danlos syndrome) and fibromyalgia. Both have lots of symptoms but both especially cause intense pain that lessens my appetite and makes me nauseous often. Cannabis numbs my pain and increases my appetite. Indica strains work best for me. Haven’t found many sativas that don’t make me anxious.” ✦ “Cannabis helps me have a healthy relationship with food. It has regulated my core system enough that I no longer binge eat. Now, when I’m having depressive episodes and my appetite is completely gone, it helps me eat just what I need to for the day. Thanks for this great survey/conversation starter.” ✦ “Smoking before eating always helps get my appetite started. I first started this routine almost 4 years ago and now I find that, unless I’ve been starving all day, I don’t work up an appetite until I smoke.” ✦ “I’ve been in recovery for my eating disorder for a few years. It’s been a long road and I have had more success medicating with weed than I have ever had with antidepressants.” ✦ “As a recovering bulimic, cannabis puts me more in touch with my body. It doesn’t stop me from eating (obviously) but I become more aware of the physical sensations of feeling full / no longer hungry, so I’m more able to stop myself from binging. Also that full feeling can be super triggering for me to purge or self harm, but after I smoke I don’t feel as anxious, so basically I’m able to eat normal meals now without interference.” ✦ “I have ARFID (avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder). I’ve suffered since I was 6 months old and cannabis helps my anxiety around food.” Thank you to all who have contributed to this conversation.