#reconciling the child I was woth the person i am now

[diiirge]

Alright so I'm a sensitive transgender freakaleak who just gasmed over The Wisdom Saga earlier this very night (thunder bringer 🫦🫦🫦). However I was also born and bred in Southeast Georgia, grew up with country on my dad's truck's radio so I heard Ain't No Love in Oklahoma with the intact, high ass quality earbuds I've foraged from my desk and I instantly felt myself astral project onto the old four-wheeler in the backwoods of the orchard getting whipped by branches riding home absurdly fast b4 the overcast day turns into a thunderstorm. Good lird

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 17 - watching notes

Okay ... here we go. I'm dreading this a bit

And I still miss Lan Wangji 😔

Okay wait. I know it's hard to remember because this goes on for like 20 (?) Episodes, but this is still a flashback. So technically, wwx's memory flashback is a flashback within a flashback. This show, man...

Oh no, 3 minutes into the episode and I'm emo again 😥

New preferred endgame btw: wwx brews Hefeng Liquor near a beautiful lake in the mountains. Lan Wangji lives there with him, but since cloud recess is nearby, can still go there daily to fulfil his duties. They go on night-hunts together whenever possible and are the adoptive dads of about a dozen Lan disciples. How close am I? 😁 (Rhetorical question!!! I don't want to know!)

Who gave Wei Wuxian permission to look so devastated!?! 😫

Or Wen Ning to be so pure, for that matter? 💚

Thos scene, of Wei Wuxian cradling Jiang Cheng to his chest, asking helplessly and in an almost childlike way, where they can go, reminds me of something my mother recently said to me in conversation. She said that, no matter how old you are, be it 15 or 50, when your parents die, you will feel like you are now orphaned. And the part of you that could be someone's child and be loved like a child and that still craves that love, will feel utterly and hopelessly alone. I'm sure you could make arguments against this, for example in situations where parents couldn't act as parents do before they died anyway (for example, abusive parents or parents who need care themselves due to age or illness), but I think she has a point. A part of us, I think will always crave the unconditional love and trust one (should) feel in early childhood. And while parent's death at some point in one's life is to be expected, it will still leave a whole that no other form of love can ever fill. The way the three siblings are reacting to their (foster-)parents deaths really drives that feeling home, imo. Jiang Chang's blind rage, Jiand Yanli's illness that renders and shock, as well as Wwi Wuxian's frantic attempts to hold everything together. In the scene I'm watching right now, he really looks like a child, and oldest sibling (even though I know, he's not. But he is acting like one), trying to step up and fill the role of the parents, but still, being a child himself, feeling absolutely inadequate, lost and helpless. And it breaks my heart.

Sorry for the long tangent, but I've got feelings you all 🙈

I ADORE Wen Ning so much 😫

*Nelson from the Simpsons voice* Haha!!! @ Wen Chao for being outsmarted by him

Aaaaahhhh!!! Can I just say I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! The fact that Wwi Wuxian once helped Wen Ning, which Jisng Cheng criticized him for (!!!) now saves them!

I love it how the music and the way it's shit tells us to be shocked when wen chao says "[I will] kill them all" and I'm sitting here going

So wait, has Wen Qing abandoned the rest of the Wen clan?

I've catalogued two versions of scary Wwi Wuxian so far: 🔥🔥🔥 and 😢😢😢

This is sadly the latter kind

Okay no, wen Qing didn't abandon the rest of the wen clan, but she still helps the Jiang siblings

Wei Wuxian continues to break my heart 💔💔💔

He's so desperately trying to hold them all together, even though he himself is breaking apart 😔

Wen Qing is a straight up badass and I won't hear otherwise!

Nooooooo nnonononono

This can't be!!! I KNOW jiang Cheng is alive in the present timeline

Or is he alive? ... I'm not sure I understand what's going on

(Quick aside: I'm pretty sure that wei Wuxian dodnt wear purple before. Now he does. A purple belt and a white and purple inner robe ... which are the Jiang colours... JUST RIP MY HEART INTO EVEN TINIER PIECES, SURE!!! 😭😭😭)

So he is breathing... and moving ... but something is wrong, right?

Okay so he isn't dead but he lost his golden core ... argh shit. And I thought that situation couldn't get worse. (In retrospect, that's probably a though I shouldn't have at all while watching this show :/)

But ... that doesn't seem right either from what I remember from the present timeline. Wasn't he cultivating again? I'm honestly not sure

And now, apparently, its Jiang Cheng's turn to crush my heart

Ok, I'm easily distracted today, bear with me: wen quing's talk about the wen clan's actions not being who they are. That they, fir generations, have only healed people, never killed really reminds me of how in Avatar: The last Airbender, the Fire Nation forgot that fire isn't only angry destruction, but also nurturing warmth, life and healing. The comparison kind of lends itself easily thanks to the Wen Clan's similar role in the story, as well as their fire and sun symbolism. Maybe Wen Qing and Wen Ning could also serve as this story's Zuko and Iro, reconciling the two interpretations and saving their clan. (This is wild speculation based on an arbitrary comparison. I'm probably wrong 😅 again, don't tell me ;))

Has Wei Wuxian slept, once, since he woke up in that field?

Oh honey ... :'(

He isn't eating either :'(

I did not expect this show to show this many varieties of grieve in such a realistic way

At least his beard is making me laugh 😂

Just the thought of Lan Wangji gives him hope!!! 😭

YOU COMPLETE IDIOT YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME

at least one person still has some sense

Finally!!!! Finally someone comforts him too! Finally he LET'S himself be comforted

Wen Quing helps him woth the research and now he brings her food. I'm soft! 😭

Oh oh ...

Is he ...?

Is he going to try and give Jiang Cheng his core?

WHAT IS IT WITH THESE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE IDIOTS????

AAAARGH!

(Lan Zhan ... where are you? 😥

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony 💚

[thatsmisssluttoyou]

Divorce

So... my marriage is over. Surprisingly, this is a lot more difficult for me to write about than I expected. My (now Ex) husband announced last night- via sms- that he plans to reconcile with his ex wife, for the sake of his son. He was wonderfully articulate about it. He did his best to be gentle and comforting. He could not be more apologetic; so that was something at least. Also, the marriage meant that he had to call it off; he couldn't turn ghost on me and never speak to me again. That being said, rejection still stings like a bitch, and after some particularly confronting personal news, this was just the perfect dressing on top of my suck-salad. I even surprised myself with how well I took it. I didn't abuse him (which is a big deal for me, given that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned; especially when that woman is me). I didn't get drunk (like I wanted to). I didn't bury my face in a trough of ice cream and pity-eat myself up a whole dress size, either. I cried alone. I cried on the phone to my best friends. I cried with my cat. Eventually, I cried myself to sleep. It was fitful; I tossed and turned all night. It felt like I had this cinder block of sad, weighing on my chest all night; with bags of gravel being left under my eyes in the morning. If I'm being truly honest with myself, I knew it was coming. He stopped contacting me as frequently. He stopped his ritual of telling me every day how beautiful and desirable I am, and that no man has a better, more beautiful, intelligent or articulate wife anywhere. He stopped saying that he loved me. The saddest part in all of this - in my opinion- is not my wasted, much abused heart; it's that he's only reconciling with his ex wife for the sake of his child. A parents' love is a powerful thing. I'm no stranger to it myself. What I struggle with is the fact that he would rather his child see him miserable- but woth his mother, than happy and without her. Having been the byproduct of a very unhappy home life, I question his decision. That being said, I haven't told him that I feel that way. It's not my place. He's made his decision and now he has to run with it. I stupidly even suggested that he and I remain friends. He would apparently like that very much. I told him that I could deal with that- being friends- but that he was to never ask me to be his wife again. Given that this is the closest I've come to an actual marriage (though I've been engaged several times), it hurt me a lot more than anticipated. Much of that pain comes from the fact that, in the few precious moments we shared as husband and wife, it felt real. I got a taste of what it would be like to have a husband come home to me and treat me well and appreciate me to the fullest. I discovered that I love being called wife, and that having a husband make love to you is a deeper, more profound experience than having a lover that fucks you. I loved that, after cooking for him, he'd look at me like I hung the moon. That taste has become like a craving in me- especially now that I'm not getting it. That is something I will have to live with. I have learned through this that, even though it hurts like a bitch, it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. I know with certainty that I could be an amazing wife one day, and that any man would be damn lucky to have me. That's what I'm choosing to take away. The upside to all this is that I'm now able to keep experimenting with new lovers guilt free, for your reading pleasure. That, and the spiteful part of me feels less bad about cursing my husband and feeding him non-halal meat. Miss Slut xx #thatsmisssluttoyou #singleandreadytomingle