#really not looking forward to leaving the house on Thursday tbh

[thepandalion]

something something "character who is born into privilege but through circumstances relating to their birth has to suffer a pain they're helpless to preventing, and yet they don't stop trying to prevent the pain even knowing they cannot"

[princehrry-writings]

Friends Don't

ahhhh, i hope you love it!! please send in requests!! let me know what you think, and if you like it maybe share with your friends?

wordcount: 3226

warnings: mentions of alcohol, maybe swearing? tbh I don't think anything else.

we love a good bff's to lovers :)

All Harry did was shrug him off and say his final goodbyes- heading back out to his car that he had been in not more than 20 minutes ago when he arrived to have dinner with Jeff, and followed the gravitational pull that always seemed to lead back to you.

or

Harry is your best friend that you're in love with, but neither of you will admit it.

.

.

.

.

“What are you doing here, it’s the middle of the fucking night H?” It was cold, too cold to stand there on your front porch in nothing but a big teeshirt and shorts. The smile on his face was cheeky, but when was it not with him.

“Just wanted to stop by, that’s all. Got bored…” He said and you sighed, shaking away the blush that wanted to creep up your neck. His hair was a bit messy and his clothes were wrinkled, like he’d been tossing and turning in them. He made his way into your house after you stepped aside to let him in and made himself comfortable like he always does when he comes over.

With a huff, he collapsed on your living room couch, you following in suit and cuddling into his side. It wasn’t uncommon for you to find yourself here in this position. The middle of the night was usually a time when Harry’s mind ran wild, you weren’t much different. Usually, it was the man himself plaguing your mind, but you’d never tell him that.

It’s ok, he’d never tell you that you were the reason he kept himself up at night either.

“Wanna go lay down?” You asked quietly, fidgeting with the rings on your best friend’s hand as the other tangled itself in your hair just the way he knew would relax you. A soft hum arose from him and you nodded, reluctantly separating your bodies and treading up to your room. Harry felt like he spent more nights here than at his own house.

-

Harry’s phone buzzed beside him, pulling his attention away from whatever Jeff had been talking about for the last 5 minutes. A message from you sat there on his screen asking if he wanted to come over and have a movie night and order take out. Another message popped up a few seconds later adding “I have wine 😏” and a smile crept onto his cheeks, something he was never able to control when it came to you. There wasn’t much you couldn’t get him to do, it was something about you that fascinated him. He felt safe with you, safe enough to do anything. He didn’t have to worry about something being leaked to the press or worse- being made fun of by you. He quickly typed back a reply saying he’d be there in 20 minutes and to call in the order to your favorite place not far from your house so he could pick it up on the way. Jeff finally stopped talking as Harry caught his attention, telling him he had to go.

“Wait what? We just got here, we haven’t even ordered yet! Where are you going?” Harry shrugged and said something came up and he had to go but the look in his eyes told Jeff everything he needed to know.

“So you’re leaving me to go see the girl you claim you’re not in love with?” A blush crept up Harry’s neck and onto his face, turning so the man couldn’t see it. With a shake of his head and a cough to clear the lump that had gathered in his throat, he turned back to his friend sitting in front of him.

“She’s my best friend, m’not in love with her!” He defended, wondering which one of them he was trying to convince more and pushing that thought to the back of his mind. The sound of Jeff scoffing, he swore, could be heard from outside the restaurant they were at right now, and the pointed look being directed at Harry was enough to make him want to shrink back into himself just to get away from it.

“H… I hate to break it to you, but friends don’t cancel other plans just to see each other…” Somewhere in his mind, Harry knew that- but that was a thought for another time. Right now, he was just focusing on making it to your house with your guys’ favorite takeout food and cuddling up to you on your couch or in your bed to watch movies he wouldn’t be paying any attention to in favor of watching your eyes light up during your favorite scenes, and drinking what some would say is a little too much wine for a Thursday evening. The two of you didn’t have to worry about that part though- you always had Fridays off.

All Harry did was shrug him off and say his final goodbyes- heading back out to his car that he had been in not more than 20 minutes ago when he arrived to have dinner with Jeff, and followed the gravitational pull that always seemed to lead back to you.

-

Loud music and large crowds were something Harry was accustomed to, he’d spent the majority of his teen years and all of his adult life around them, in the middle of them. What he wasn’t used to was you being there with him. He’d convinced you to have a night out with him and a friend that was in town and you hesitantly said yes. The two of you didn’t go out in public together very often, and when you did it was always very meticulous. You showed up separately, acted like you didn’t know each other, and tried to stay away from as many prying eyes as you possibly could. It wasn’t that Harry didn’t want to be seen with you or even that you didn’t want to be seen with him- it was just better for the both of you that your friendship stay out of the public eye. It was better for your job and it made things easier in your personal life as well. The last thing Harry wanted was for the media to start making rumors and for his fans to start ripping you apart like they had been known to do in the past.

The club you guys were at was very exclusive, and you had followed the same protocol of showing up at different times as to not be seen walking in together. You had sworn you’d never been around so many A-list celebrities in your entire life and you were starting to feel a little overwhelmed at all the people you knew of in the room, all the faces you’d seen so many times before only through a screen. You didn’t have much time to panic as Harry was whisking you off to meet the friend he’d told you about that was here. A very familiar Irish accent piqued your ears as you got closer to the bar near the back of the crowded room, a head of brown hair, that in your mind should still be blond, peaking out amongst the people surrounding him. Of course, out of all the friends he has, it had to be Niall Horan he was talking about. Someone that you were very familiar with. Niall had always been your favorite in One Direction and you made sure you reminded Harry of that every chance, uh sorry, every chonce you got.

Memories of the two of you sitting in your car as a 1D song came on the radio and you shushing him as Niall started singing- reminding him that this was “the best part” and turning it up louder than it really needed to be flashed through your mind and you tried your hardest to fight the blush creeping up your neck as you stopped in your tracks, halting both of you from going any further. You shot him a glare and it took everything in you not to slap that smirk off of his face.

“Really? And you didn’t even warn me? What the fuck H?” If your heart wasn’t racing before, it certainly was now at the thought of meeting Niall Horan. You didn’t even freakout this hard when you met Harry for the first time. That encounter seemed like it was yesterday and 100 years ago all at the same time.

“M’a little hurt you didn’t freak out over me like this, love! What does he have that I don’t?” Faking offense, his hand coming up to hold his chest as if you’d actually hurt him. You scoffed and pushed his shoulder away, fully prepared to run and hide in the bathroom the rest of the night. You freaked out over Harry in a different way. One that you didn’t let him ever see. And sure- maybe you went home after the first time you met and screamed your head off to your best friend in your hometown- but he didn’t need to ever know that. But now here you were, 20 feet away from Niall fucking Horan, your teenage celebrity crush, and you didn’t know if you were gonna make it to see tomorrow.

Why you were so freaked out about meeting him you weren’t quite sure. Maybe it was that he was one of Harry’s closest and oldest friends and you wanted him to like you (for reasons you weren’t ready to admit to yourself, let alone Harry) or maybe it was merely the fact that you spent the entirety of your high school career with pictures of him on your wall and on the front of your school binder.

“I’m gonna die tonight…” You muttered to yourself as Harry began dragging you behind him once again, over to the open bar stools next to Niall.

“Oi there he is!” The Irishman turns to see the pair of you, pulling Harry into a long overdue hug.

“Hey mate,” The smile on Harry’s face is one you don’t get to see often as it only comes out when he feels a weight lift off his shoulders. You knew seeing Niall was something he’d been looking forward to, although you didn’t quite know it was Niall until less than 2 minutes ago. Sometimes life gets to be a little too much and having someone that gets it like Niall does is important. You could only offer so much as you had no idea what it was like to walk in his shoes.

“You must be the famous Y/N this guy never stops yappin’ about!” The smile is replaced by a flush you’ve seen plenty of times before. He almost looks like a dog with his tail between his legs as he flicks the brunets forehead.

“Aye, no need for that,”

“I guess that’s me!” You say with a smile, expecting for Niall to extend his hand. He, instead, pulls you into a bone crushing hug that you know 14 year old you would have died for, but current you can’t help but wish it was Harry’s arms wrapped tightly around your body like this. He hugs you like this all the time, if not tighter, but it doesn’t seem like you could ever get enough of the man with green eyes standing next to you with that lopsided smile sewn onto his face.

“M’ Niall, it’s nice to meet you!”

---

Ok. Maybe those last two shots of tequila Niall had talked you into weren’t the best idea. Maybe, dragging Harry out to the dance floor when you were just drunk enough to tell him anything wasn’t the best idea. Maybe you didn’t really care right now because the feeling of his hands on your body in a way that wouldn’t be considered platonic was too good to do anything about.

Drunk you has been known to almost spill a certain 8-letter phrase that sober you would rather keep to herself. Drunk you wishes you could get over yourself and just say it, so every time- like clockwork- you get close to his ear and begin the little phrase. But somehow, by some magical happenstance, an outside force steps in. Almost as if the universe is trying to tell you something. You just can’t figure out if it means don’t tell him at all or don’t tell him like this.

Just as you felt yourself lean in and brush your lips against the outer shell of his ear Niall showed up out of nowhere letting us know he was heading to the bathroom and joking about how if he wasn’t back in 20 minutes to call security.

“What was that you were about t’say love?” He leaned in close to your ear as you had done to him not even 30 seconds ago before you were interrupted. In his inebriated state, it sounded more like “wha’ was tha’ ya were abou’ t’say love,” as he always talked a little sloppier when he’d had a few drinks. He says that when he bit the end of his tongue off that it got rid of his little lisp but it didn’t really. He’s just never sober enough to remember.

“I-uh, I don’t remember now,” You giggled, playing it off as drunken rambling. He nods, pulling you closer, if that was possible at this point, and swaying back and forth off beat to the music. His arms wrap tightly around your waist, face buried in your neck where he felt most at home. Your arms find purchase wrapped around his neck, your head placed gently atop his. To any wandering eye, it would seem as if the two of you were in love with each other.

-

Someone leaked pictures of your night out to the media. Harry doesn’t even bother to knock as he barges into your house to see you wandering around your kitchen putting things away, acting like you had no idea that the whole world thought you were dating your best friend. Because you didn’t. Your phone had been off all day in favor of getting things done around the house.

“Love, please don’t be mad…”

“Why, what did you do?”

“Have y’not seen?”

“...Seen what, H?”

“Shit,” He muttered under his breath, walking closer to you. He looked like a dog with his tail between his legs. You only grew more suspicious as he pulled his phone out, swiping around until he found what he was looking for.

A cold sweat broke out over your body, throat suddenly dry, heart beginning to race. What you were seeing was a picture of you and Harry with your hands all over each other on the dance floor of the club you were at last Friday night. Your name was attached to the tweet along with Harry’s, obviously, along with other pictures of the two of you together from that night. You felt a little sick.

You were angry that you let your guard down in public but all of your feelings of anguish and sickness washed away when you saw the look of pure fear in Harry’s eyes. He was absolutely terrified that you were going to push him away after this. His mind raced from all of the possibilities. He was terrified to lose you.

“I didn’t mean for this t’happen, pet. Promise! M’so sorry, I-” You shut down his worry, gently placing your hand on his cheek, brushing your thumb under his eye.

“Hey, I know. It’s ok. It’s ok.” You pulled him into your arms, wrapping yourself around him tightly. He melted into you, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck. This is where he felt most at home. Safe in the arms of the girl he loves. His heart sinks at the idea that she would never know. He doesn’t know if he could live with the idea of you meeting someone else. Holding someone else the way you're holding him now. Tightening his grip on your waist, he pulls his head away from your neck, resting his forehead against yours.

“Y/n… I- god why is it so hard f’me t’say this.” He stumbles over his words, trying to find the courage to say what he’s been waiting for so long to tell you.

“Say what, Haz?” You whispered, heart picking up speed. Your fingers gently brushed away a stray curl that had fallen into his eyes.

He was quiet for a beat, looking anywhere but your eyes. When he finally did make eye contact, your breath caught in your throat. His eyes held a look you had seen so many times before. A look you told yourself didn’t mean anything so many times that for a moment, you almost believed it.

“The way I feel about you…” He whispered. This time, it was his hand that gently met your cheek, thumb brushing under your eye. His eyes flitted back and forth between your lips and your irises.

“Baby, for so long I tried to tell myself that there was nothing here. That we really were just good friends, but we both know…” His voice didn’t raise any higher as he said this. You could feel his hand shaking on your cheek. You held his wrist, returning his intense gaze and nodding your head subtly.

You did know. You hadn’t quite realized that he knew too, but you knew you certainly did. Maybe it was a good thing that someone leaked those pictures.

“Y/n, my darling Y/n… I love you.” Tears welled in your eyes as it felt like the weight of the galaxy had just been lifted from your shoulders.

“I know you do,” Your voice broke, trying to keep the happy tears at bay,” And I love you too.”

He closed the already minuscule distance between the two of you, matching his lips to yours. He poured everything he had ever felt for you into this kiss, holding you even tighter against him. You gave him everything you had and more, hoping that this kiss would be enough to truly tell him how you felt. I love you just isn't big enough. There aren’t enough words in all of the languages combined to truly describe the way you feel about the man kissing you right now.

You fit perfectly together, like one soul that's been split in two and destined to reunite over and over again throughout time. You truly believe you’ve fallen in love with Harry many times before, in different lives, as different people. The connection was just too pure for that not to be the case.

He broke the kiss, both of you gasping for air, him muttering, “I love you, I love you, I love you,” between every breath and wiping away the tears that had managed to escape onto your cheeks.

“What are we gonna do?” You asked after you’d both caught your breath.

“Well, first things first, I think I have a question to ask you…” He trailed, a gentle smirk pulling onto his face.

“M’love, will you be my girlfriend?” You beamed, looking into the green eyes before you, nodding your head more prominently.

“Yes,” You giggled as he cut you off with a kiss. His hands roamed the span of your back, cheekily dipping below your waistline, onto your ass. He rubbed his hands around before you playfully slapped them away, not being able to swipe the smile off your aching cheeks.

“We’ll figure this out, together. As long as I have you, the rest of the world doesn’t matter. We’ll take it one step at a time.” He says with an adoring smile.

The rest of the world doesn’t matter, you decide. You have him. And he’s all you need.

[lemonflavouredspatula]

Tag Game: Get to Know Me

I was tagged by the amazing @bananase221 (yet again about 300 years ago i am so sorry but thank you so much for the tag ily)

Relationship status: single as heck

Favourite colour: honestly black makes my soul happy but i also kind of like red and light blue and ?????? probably black overall though

Three favourite foods: i don’t really like food oops but if i had to choose probably kiwi and strawberries and cheese

Song stuck in my head: No volveré and Si te vas by Blas Cantó because my brain is a radio and there is always more than one song knocking around up there

Last song I listened to: well i’m currently listening to Loch Lomond by Peter Hollens because his version is *chef’s kiss*

oh wait now i’m listening to the version of Mo Ghille Mear done by The Choral Scholars of University College Dublin (aka everyone’s favourite specsavers advert song) so technically this but you can have both because i’m feeling generous <3

Last film I watched: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Last TV show I watched: Parks and Rec which i am currently re watching because honestly why wouldn’t you

Favourite character(s): oh, oh boy, this could get long so i might group a bit but here goes - basically every main character in Merlin except Uther because fuck Uther, oh and Kilgharrah cos, well, he’s Kilgharrah (and yes we are pretending Morgana and Mordred are good™ because they had potential ok), i’d be lying if i didn’t include Steve Harrington and Billy Hargrove and Joyce Byers (Stranger Things) because i utterly adore them, Ben Wyatt (Parks and Rec) because why wouldn’t you love this pure, nervous ball of calzone loving energy and probably thousands more that i now can’t remember because my brain is refusing to help me fml but just assume a lot because i have no irl friends so i, very unhealthily, latch on to fictional characters xox

Favourite book(s): i honestly don’t know how people choose because books! are! so! good! so i’m just going to rec you two merthur fics i have utterly fallen in love with (which yes isn’t really the question but i’ve been reading more fic than books recently and i am in love) - And like the cycle of the year, we begin again by katherynefromphilly (which i have just re read and am as equally in love with as i was the first time and i highly recommend you reading this if you haven’t already because it is FANTASTIC) and About Time by rosewatergold (which i literally finished this morning and when i tell you i didn’t want it to end oh my god, this whole thing is amazing and i laughed and cried and let my heart almost burst out of my damn chest and curled up in a ball of emotional turmoil many many times and i just, i couldn’t recommend this more if i tried)

Sweet, savoury, or spicy food: oh in this house we do not do spicy food, no no no, but i’ll take sweet or savoury tbh, i don’t have an overly sweet tooth and am a sucker for savoury cheese things so *shrugs*

Last thing I googled: oh my god the fucking ™ symbol thing so i could use it above lmao am i edgy yet xox

Time: 00:54

Pets: Dog called Dooley and yes i am providing pictures because i love him and he is my world

(yes i made him neckerchief's and yes we have to wrap him up in blankets in winter because he's a lurcher and they have like zero body fat so get cold and it results in his lil ET face everytime)

Dream trip: ok look i just want to see the world, like just up and leave home for a good few years and see, but i would also settle for a trip around scandinavia because i am a BIG scandi lover

Anything you want/one thing on your bucket list: hmmm i mean a job would be great (thanks 2020 xox) lmao but i would absolutely LOVE to go to a eurovision final and see it live (me? a eurovision fan? who knew)

Favourite festival(s) you celebrate: i mean it is absolutely no secret at all that i love and adore halloween an unhealthy amount (but it’s not really a massive thing in england so i don’t really get to celebrate it to my hearts content unfortunately), but i also love christmas so there’s that

also yes i am including the eurovision final as something i celebrate and again, whilst i can’t go as wild as my heart desires because there’s only a certain level of weird my family can take from me, you can bet i go nuts and look forward to it a, yet again, unhealthy amount (but what would i be without unhealthy obsessions over things?)

Tagging: @thursday-knight @harringtons-bf @coffeedumpling @italiansteebie @wndasmaximoffs @hellomynameisroman @absolutedad and anyone else who fancies it, like literally just say i tagged you, but also pls do not feel pressured to do this at all, the choice is all yours okay ily bye

[eldritchsurveys]

1131.

1 - Were you glad to see the back of 2020? What were the best and worst parts of the year to you? >> I honestly did not care one way or the other. I understand why the ritualistic “good riddance to 2020″ thing works for people, it just doesn’t work for me. In my mind, it really doesn’t matter if it’s 2020 or 2021, just as long as it ain’t fuckin, say, 2009.

2 - If you’ve purchased something you love from a small business, are you likely to leave a review or anything afterwards? Why/why not? >> Yeah, like I just bought a bracelet from an Etsy seller and I left a happy review because I love the product. I never really thought about leaving reviews in the past, but it recently occurred to me that I should probably start doing it for independent sellers like that. This particular seller only had one or two other reviews aside from mine, so you know, it really makes a difference.

3 - When was the last time you received some good news? >> Well, seeing the pending stimulus deposit was good news. It is just enough to pay off the rest of what I owe on my computer, which means I do not have to worry about that anymore. I consider that a great relief, tbh; that $150/mo was no joke.

4 - Does wearing masks cause you to get acne or oily skin on your chin and around your nose? >> Nah. I’d probably have to wear them for much longer periods of time than I usually do for that to start happening.

5 - Do you prefer dogs or cats? Do you have a preferred breed as well? >> Dogs. Pitbulls are my fave breed.

6 - Do you have any plans for the next few days? Are these plans something you’re dreading or looking forward to? >> Mostly I just plan to enjoy having my normal routine back once Sparrow goes back to work (well, until Thursday, because now she’s going to be working from home every Thursday...).

7 - Leggings, jeans, jeggings or sweatpants? >> Sweatpants.

8 - How often do you meet new people? Is this something you’d like to change in any way? >> Not often at all, especially now. I don’t think it needs to be changed right now.

9 - What time did you wake up this morning? Would you rather have slept in longer? >> For the final time, around eight or so. I’m currently in a sleep deficit so I probably could have slept in longer, but I don’t like sleeping in. Maybe I’ll take a nap at some point, maybe not.

10 - What’s your favourite meal of the day? What’s your favourite thing to eat for that meal? >> I guess breakfast, since that’s my most stable and predictable meal most of the time. I almost always have a veggie burger and chips.

11 - When was the last time you visited a zoo or aquarium? What are your favourite animals to see there? >> I think the last time was Labor Day in 2019? The red pandas were pretty novel. I don’t think I have a favourite animal overall, though.

12 - Have you ever bought or sold anything via Facebook? >> No. This just reminded me to check on whether the Buy Nothing group in my city approved my membership, but apparently they did not, and that really confuses me, because... like, I live in the city. Why can’t I join the Buy Nothing group? This sort of thing is so distressing to me, I just... wanted to do a little community participation. :/ 

13 - When was the last time you had to cross a railway line? Was it an automated crossing or a manual one? >> I mean, we cross train tracks whenever we head downtown.

14 - What was the last thing you received as a gift? >> The gift from Sparrow’s parents that was late to arriving, which I got yesterday. It was a wine mulling kit.

15 - Are you a fan of cheese? What are your favourite types? >> I mean, I like cheese. I don’t know if I’d go so far to call myself a fan, though. I like pepper jack, brie, Kerrygold swiss, etc.

16 - What’s your “go-to” hairstyle when you’re feeling lazy or in a rush? >> ---

17 - How do you travel to work or school? Would you rather get there in a different way if you had the choice? >> ---

18 - What was the last activity you did that caused you to be out of breath? >> I don’t remember.

19 - When was the last time you changed your bedsheets? >> About a half hour ago, because they’d just been washed.

20 - What household chore do you hate the most? Are there any you actually enjoy or find satisfying in any way? >> Any “wet” chore -- so, most of the ones in the kitchen and all of the ones in the bathroom. I don’t mind vacuuming/sweeping, dusting, or laundry (I especially like the folding), and I love to tidy up and put things back where they belong.

21 - How much money did you spend the last time you went to the supermarket? >> I, personally, didn’t spend any, but the total grocery bill this weekend was about $170.

22 - How often do you buy fast food or takeaways? What’s your favourite place to get those foods from? >> Not often.

23 - Do you prefer white, brown or granary bread? What other types of bread do you like to eat? >> I’m not sure what granary bread is, but generally I’m not too precious about the type of bread. I’m far more precious about where the bread comes from (locally-made versus mass-produced).

24 - Are you in any kind of pain right now? What’s causing it? >> I wouldn’t say that. I mean, being tired and melancholy can be a bit painful at times, but... yeah.

25 - Can you hear anyone else in your house right now? What are they up to? >> Sparrow is having a shower. IDK what the cat is doing.

26 - Do you find farts funny or gross? >> Neither? They’re completely unremarkable to me, unless someone’s farting a tune or something, which I guess is novel enough.

27 - What are you wearing at the moment? Is anything you’re wearing new? >> Sweats, undershirt, hoodie. My winter uniform. Nothing I’m wearing is new.

28 - Who was the last person you spoke to via social media? Is this a person you’re close to? >> I don’t remember.

29 - Did you ever do surveys on a site other than Tumblr? Do you still take surveys anywhere else? >> Yeah, I was on Xanga for a long time. I had a brief fling with LiveJournal after Xanga went the way it did but ultimately settled on just posting them here.

30 - Are you overweight, underweight or a healthy weight for your height? Are you happy with that or would you like to change it? >> I don’t know which one I am and I’d rather not make a fuss about it.

[unrrrreliable]

06.01.2022

wow happy new year time fucking flies.

starting off by saying that turning was really wierd. actually lemme start by telling a little bit about my birthday

so on dec 1st at around 23:00 i started getting reeeally anxious lol. sitting on my bed, everyone asleep, restlessly checking the clock and couting the minutes. then the time finally came. 00:00. december 2nd 2021. 18 fucking years old. ik im making this really dramatic but idk, in my head it really wasnt a regular birthday (duh bc it isnt anyway im just writing this not to sound dumb) anyways. felt really wierd, 8teen playing on repeat ofc, finally not underage anymore? not that i was specifically waiting for this but idk felt really free ig. wierd sensation. anyways at like 1:30 i go to sleep and wake up at 7:30. thursday morning, dont have english class, yay 45 more min to do shit. come to school at 9:00, a girl in my class (with whom i never talk to) asks me if its my birthday, i say it is. she and her friend say happy birthday, actually a nice way to start it. now that i think about it she found it out bc she saw a friend of mines story (ill get to that later). i got to class, a bunch of classmates say happy birthday, teacher also does, everything is fine. then two classmates (girls) come in with a biscuit and a candle and start singing happy birthday lol. that was really sweet. break was eh, pretending to answer a bunch of happy birthday messages on my phone, in class. nothing special. but i mean i cant really complain. 

12:30, lunch time, i had organized to meet up with t, a and s. regular friend group - my only one -, actually we dont really meet up that often but yk its better than nothing.  (btw t and s are girls, a is a dude). i meet up with the girls and we wait for a who goes to another school. after a good 15min of writing him, calling him, he finally answers my friends phone call and says he cant come bc he busy. i pretended it was nothing but tbh i was really fucking hurt lol. i guess u can understand why, like he didnt even answer MY messages. like i get hes kinda wierd n shit but bro cmon u couldve at least answered. but whatever we go to mcdonalds n shit. kinda akward conversations but its fine. the most akward thing is that we all knew they were like the only ppl i could go out with, as in the only group of friends ig? but tbh that doesnt reeeaallly bother me.

fast forward to like 4pm, im at home playing the piano, have a small discussion with my mom bc i was rude to her - long story short, she really wanted to organize my birthday party but idk why that made me feel like an idiot so i said i would do it myself. she then told me that was one of the only things that sorta gave her pleasure, the feeling that she still has some kind of utility in the house now that my brother and i are growing up. when i said that i realized how much of a dick i had been. i apologize, she doesnt accept it (rightfully so) and i leave the house, say im going to the conservatory. i meet fernanda and we go buy some booze, just for the fun of it. it was really funny when the cashier looked at my id and was like “oh its today?? happy birthday!”. fernanda gave me a cheap terranova ripped jeans jacked which i think is horrible but idc. like at all. im just so grateful that she was there yk. ill get to that later on. so yeah my brother and mom got more mad than me for the jacket i got (bc it was ugly and probably cost like 5 francs) but again, i really didnt give a fuck. anyways it was nice meeting up with her. tbh i think shes my only real friend. i never told her that.

oh yeah small parenthesis but before meeting up w f i went to the therapist lol. not that it played a big role but yk just for the record.

so here is when it gets to the absolute fucking worst part. god even thinking avbout it makes me wanna fucking cry lol. idk if im being dramatic but idk so here you go:

theres this other best friend, which not is just a friend: maria. i call her marussia because she likes it, and idk it has some personality. so we met in prima, classmates. she had just arrived form ukraine and spoke very little italian, so me kinda relating to her i decided to befriend her, also bc she really seemed like a nice person. not that she isnt, well acc she isnt perfect but whatever. funny enough she was actually the one that first started a conversation. so yeah we built up a really good friendship, we used to have this whatsapp groupchat with 3 other ppl, with which we dont really talk a lot anymore. so the pandemic came but we still kept in touch, the summer, no more quarantine, we used to go out like all the time bc nobody was going anywhere lol. so yeah summer was ok, we were good friends n shit. fast forward to november 2021.

im gonna make another part cause this is too fucking long

[rezilient-m3]

February 19

Wow, it's been awhile since I've written anything. Tbh, I've been putting it off. So much has happened...

I'll start off with my sister S, the one that had liver failure. She passed on Feb 11. What a week it has been. Before that tho, she came stayed with me. Her and her daughter came to my house, late on the 2nd, and surprised me. I wasn't expecting it, and to be completely honest, I was annoyed. Not at her directly, just at them not preparing me for the chaos and who's gonna sleep where and dealing with an even fuller house lol. (There was me, my 4 kids, nanny neph, sis, niece, her bf and kid.) They all stayed until Thursday. (I won't get into Wed night, when they all went out and left me and my sick sister with her 2 yr old. I wouldn't have minded, but I had work and wouldn't leave that little girl with my sister, cuz my sister was sick and could barely go up and down my stairs.) Anyways, my sister stayed when her daughter and family left. So, that's Tuesday to Friday I had with her. And I barely spent any time with her. I was working, then I'd come home and do the usual (cook, clean, kids), and she was always in bed. Now, looking back, I regret not just laying there with her. I had that chance to just be there and chill. But how was I supposed to know that would have been my last time with her?

Friday, my mum and our older sister, R, show up. I did not know, at the time, that their main reason coming to the city was to spend time with me and my kids. Anyways, they came and took 2 out of 4 kids, to go swimming at the hotel and spend the night. Cool, right? So, I'm sitting here, wondering what my plans should be. Then it hit me, I should go home to visit my dad, since he's practically home alone. It was already 430, and it's a 4 and a half hr drive, but I still decided to go. I had to ask my sister R if it was alright that I leave her with the 2 kids she had and asked my twin brother to come house sit. Then, it was set. I didn't end up leaving until 6 ish. Anyways, point being, my sister S was going to stay here with our brother, but decided, last minute, that she'd just go home for the weekend and come back with us on Sunday.

We drove, and she's talking, but I can barely hear her. But stuff about her accident. Blaming the ppl that were involved. I always wanted to tell her she shouldn't carry that shit in her heart. It was nobody's fault that she drank that day, nobody's fault they got kicked out of that party at the cabins, nobody's fault they rolled that day, and nobody's fault that she took Tylenol since to help with the pain she had afterwards. (Well, I can see how she could blame some things on some ppl, but realistically, she drank to be in that accident and she took those pills to accelerate her inevitable liver problems). But I couldn't tell her these things to sound like I don't care, or to further make her feel worse than she already did. Idk. I stayed quiet. About an hour away from home, we stopped in a town to pick up drinks and whatever. She was texting her friend and decided to stay with her. I didn't question anything, cause the drive alone seemed unbearable to her. She was nauseous and in pain. So, I took her there and that would be the last I got to hug her and tell her I loved her. I left.

Fast forward to Sunday, I didn't think anything of her not coming, I figured if she wanted to come, she would have called to make sure I picked her up. Plus, she probably wasn't feeling her best. All I texted when I passed that town was, "I love you". She wrote back, a few hours later, "I love you too my bean". And that was it.

Monday morning I had a missed call and voicemail from the friend I left her with, and a few msges from our sister R telling me S was in the hospital again. I didn't check the voicemail. All I thought was, "good, she can try get better again." And went to work. Later on my break, I got updates from R saying it wasn't good. They were allowing her and our mum to visit, but nobody else because of covid. Understandable. I still didn't think anything of it. But, I kept getting updates from R, of how worse she was getting. She said the Dr's were consulting with the hospital in the bigger city to see if there was anything they could do for her, or if she should stay there to be closer to family... They kept her. Plus, Monday night would be the last time she had a conversation with our sister. She'd now be on morphine to make her comfortable, which didn't help her be aware of anything. Now, it's Wednesday morning. I'm at work, on my first break I get all these msges saying she got even more worse and they were going to start allowing family come see her 2 at a time. This is when I knew it was really bad. I cried a bit in my car, msging Alex about how my sister might be dying and I didn't know what to do. I actually thought I'd finish the rest of the day and call in for the last 2 days. But, when I went in class and tried telling my teacher what was up, and her hitting me with that sympathetic "omg, are you okayyyy?" look, with the rubbing my arm thing, I teared up and shook my head no. She told me it was okay with her if I left. But I also had to go talk to the principal about it too. I cried in his office as well. But they were very understanding and gracious. Blessed for that.

Alex decided to leave work. I had a sitter to stay with kids, since they still had school. But he said he'd come anyways. I told him not to worry, but how could he not, right? I was glad he did, in the end, cuz he was what I needed later. So, I left, without getting to see him, cuz I was going the 3 hrs to get to the hospital, and he was coming the 7 hours home.

Anyways, I get there. All our family were taking turns going in to her room to see her. She wasn't awake. It was weird cuz her eyes would open, and be looking, but it was like she wasn't seeing. If that makes sense. That night me and my sister R spent the night with her. When we walked in, she was very agitated and restless. She was crying, hurting, and obviously very uncomfortable. She wanted to sit up, lay down, and scratching everywhere. It was very hard to watch. It scared me. Once the morphine kicked in, I seen her body just relax. The, sitting there talking about her, and her life, what we thought, we both said it would be better if she just let go. She was suffering and we just wanted the suffering to end. But it sucked cuz that's our sister. We weren't ready to lose her. But what could you do? She noticed that her breathing was a little raspy and her feet were cold. She said those were tell-tale signs that the end was near. Sad. Next morning, we leave cuz our mum wanted to come in. We went. All the family was back to taking turns visiting. This time it took me longer to get my turn, cuz more people were showing up. We all just stayed in the parking lot all day. I went back in about 230 or 3. She was obviously worse. I was hoping her hand and tearing, saying, "I'm going to miss you. D's gonna miss you." As soon as I said his name, she squeezed my hand and her bottom lip quivered like she wanted to cry. Then I said, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you sad. Don't be sad. We'll be okay. Don't be scared. I love you so much." And kissed her. Now, I was in the room with one of her daughters, and I could tell her couldn't really say want she wanted cuz I was there. So, I gave her time alone. Mind you, I was still thinking ill be back later anyways to spend another night with her. That didn't happen tho.

She took her last breath at about 4. I was sitting in the back of my dad's truck. My dad, my twin brother, and my mum were in there. Nobody showed any kind of reaction. I was crying. Frantically typing to my bf. Then, my niece J, opened the door and asked if I was okay. I get out and immediately started hyperventilating. I was crying, ugly crying. In shock. Standing there not knowing what to do, I sat in my vehicle, that was next to my dad's. Still felt weirdly uncomfortable cuz my nany neph was in there not saying anything, too. My best friend, A, came out of nowhere and I broke down again in her arms. I calmed down, and laughed in that moment cuz I seen one of my nieces bf wipe out lol. Good timing. Anyways, my friend said she was going to take her husband home and be right back. I ended up sitting in her truck for the next cpl hrs. I realized way later that I didn't even go hug any of my siblings lol.

We got to see her body one last time before they took her to the funeral home. I was one of the last people to get a turn, and I went in with one of her sons. I thought it was gonna be horrible, and I'd break down over her body. Instead, my dumb ass started laughing. Lol. Her one eye was open and looking right at me, and she looked like she was smiling. I apologized to her son about laughing. And him and I just talked about before, about him as a baby. My sister didn't raise him since, and I was always with her before, so we knew that about each other. Guess that was all we had in common with his mom; my sister.

So, when all was said and done that night, everybody went to the hotel. I just dropped off everyone who was in my suv and said I was going to go home to my dad's. He was the only one who went home that evening, so I knew he was home alone. So, I left. I wanted to be alone, and I wanted to just sleep in his house, where I felt safe. Before getting there tho, I tried so hard to cry. I felt like I wasn't experiencing her death like how I thought I would. Like, yes, I cried, but not like how I thought I would. That bothered me. Still kinda does. I listened to sad music. Got some tears, then thought, I probably looked stupid and just laughed again. Idk what's wrong with me hahaha.

Before getting home, tho, I msged my son and said I was going to stop at his house and hug him. I had to make sure he was okay. My sister was his Godmother, and although they barely had a relationship, I still had to make sure. Plus, it felt nice to just go be with him for a few minutes.

Next day was funeral home. The last drive home, with her down the highway. The wake. I made her a wreath. That was fun. Got crafty at the wake super late that night lol. But the flower shop in that town couldn't make enough, because there's a lot of families within our family and everybody wanted one done. So, I made my own. That was special.

Alex and kids came Saturday morning to be with me at the funeral. (I forgot to mention that this was the sister he was with first before me). Plus, this was also his first funeral experience with how we do funerals. They don't do wakes, or last goodbyes, or church.... The last goodbye I broke. I cried ugly and loud. He cried too. It was a sad day.

I didn't really feel anything afterwards. It still bothered me that it didn't affect t me like how I thought it would. Not until last night. I always loom at my fb memories, and she was all over my old posts, liking them, hearing pictures, commenting. Then it hit me, that she'll never do that again. I cried. Then, I went on her timeline to see what would be the last posts she wrote, or shared. They were from last summer. Mostly, obvious drunk posts, where she would be misspelling and not making much sense. I go to comments and there's me giving her shit. Wow, I thought. But then I remembered always being disappointed and let down. Those times I'd get upset was because she'd promise me to be sober, to visit, but turn around and drink anyways. That would offend me. Cuz I missed the sober her. I missed just hanging out with her. I hardly got that in our last few years, especially since I had quit drinking. I was sad. The thing that really hit home was seeing a post she shared, "All I need is for one person to not give up on me." Like hf. That hit hard, cuz I immediately felt guilty. Why couldn't I be her person? Why would I just easily give up on her when I knew she'd always choose to drink over me? I resented her. I was mad at her for it. So, I wouldn't try. That sucks.

But that is my next thing. I know I can't hold onto negative feelings like that. I can't regret anything. Anything and everything that happened, happened already, and for whatever reasons. She's gone. But most importantly, she's not suffering. Maybe witnessing her being in that much pain helped me be more okay with her dying? Cuz I wouldn't want her, or anybody, to go through something like that. It was horrible. I need to work on letting her go, in a way that I'm happy with the memories, and all that crap people say you should be doing lol. Idk. I will. But for now, I'm sad. I will miss her. Especially for the big things in my life. I'm still going to think of her, for the big events I'd know she would have been there for me. Sad. ~Rip S. I love you.❤

Anyways, another big thing happened for me right after the funeral. A happy thing. That is why that day was bitter sweet for me. But I won't get into that rn. I'm tired and it's late. I will be back soon. Plus, court happened today. That's another thing to get into. 😒 Nothing really happened there. But, as always, I will be back.

Until then. ✌

P.s sry if there's any mistakes in any of my posts. Not going to go over and read everything. This was a long one too haha.

[chrishoulihan]

FYF ADVENTCHEA

So this shit turned into a fucking novel, I’m putting it under a cut and it’s just as much for my own recollection as it is for anyone who wants to hear about my festival weekend. Get into it

So I arrived in LA on Thursday morning after my flight was delayed by an hour and ended up getting there at the exact same time as Anna A @yourveryeyes which was fortuitous! We took a Lyft to Exposition Park to pick up her wristband for the festival, wandered around a little bit, and ended up taking the Metro downtown to meet up with Kylie @electric-candyman who was GREAT TO MEET and was also going to the festival, and her friend Chris who doesn’t have a Tumblr afaik and was going to both FYF and the Planetarium show that night. We went to MOCA which was pretty sweet, they had a Rothko room and a few Rauschenberg pieces that were really cool to see in person. After that Anna and I split off to go to Hollywood and check out Amoeba on our way to Sufjan and that was obviously amazing, I didn’t have enough space in the bags I packed to buy any records (which was by design, my broke ass can’t afford to drop a lot of money on vacation and you can’t waste money on stuff if you don’t have room to carry it home *tapping head guy meme*) but I bought a little heart-eyed cat emoji pin as a souvenir and I definitely wanted to buy 5000 things I couldn’t have.

From there we went to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for Planetarium and met up with Anna L @louisdebumhole ANN- SQUAD REUNITED HELL YEAH. We got to the cemetery and went in all together like over an hour after the doors opened but since it was a lawn show there was still barely anyone lined up at the stage by the time we got there and we got just behind the rail?? AMAZING. I haven’t had the opportunity for rail at a Sufjan show since the Christmas pageant in 2012. Chris showed up not too long after us and joined us right by the stage and Anna L’s friend was there on the rail too so it was a party.

OBVIOUSLY PLANETARIUM WAS INCREDIBLE. My dumb ass forgot to save my Instagram story so I don’t have any of my own videos but it was so great. Sufjan wore his stupid beautiful clashing pajama suit and some fuckin moon boots and he looked fabulous and sang like an angel and said a lot of nonsensical inspirational stuff (like this which is the only video I managed to salvage.) The whole record sounds even richer and fuller live; Jupiter, Moon, and Venus sounded especially amazing. AND fun fact, Matt Berninger was there and watched the entire show from the left side of the stage! My indie dad Matty B supporting his homies!! I also got a setlist after the show ended, which was exciting even though of course it’s literally just a list of planets and in the exact same order as the record lmao. But it’s my first Sufjan-related setlist and I will cherish it forever.

So we got back to Anna L’s house I think around midnight that night and by then I had been awake for like 21 hours so I was exhausted and basically passed out as soon as I could. Next day was the START OF FYF and Anna A/Kylie/Chris and I decided that we wanted to go for Bjork rail, since she was the first act on the main stage on Friday and there weren’t really any other bands playing before her elsewhere that we were dying to see. Before we went to the festival Anna A and I hung out with her friend Jen who was great, we got boba and then went downtown to The Last Bookstore, which was bomb, and had lunch at Grand Central Market. Got to the festival about half an hour before the gates opened, made it through the long ass queue, and went immediately to the main stage where we got basically center-right just behind the rail!! For fucking Bjork!!! Commence freaking out for the next three hours. Chris and Kylie showed up later right behind us and it was such a fun and easy queueing experience for me, everyone around us was super chill and everyone was so hype to see Bjork that we pretty much just looked out for each other and bonded over our mutual fandom. Anna and I had intended to see Bjork together in NYC back in 2015 but it got cancelled so this was a LONG TIME COMING and I’m so glad that we were able to make it happen.

So Bjork was the first set of my whole festival weekend and honestly it was one of the best performances I’ve ever seen?? SHE WAS AMAZING and I knew I was gonna be emotional but I wasn’t fucking prepared for how surreal and incredible it felt to hear THAT VOICE in person and to be that close to her while it happened. Unreal. She had Arca with her as her DJ and a whole string ensemble, and she came out wearing a glow in the dark lime green headdress mask thing and a huge puffy dress that made her look like a beautiful pinata. Everything about it was fucking perfect; she did at least one song from every record except Vespertine. Multiples from Vulnicura/Homogenic/Post, Come to Me, Mouth’s Cradle, Wanderlust, Mutual Core. Fucking awesome. Favorites for me were probably Joga (CRIED), Mouth’s Cradle (fuckin bomb arrangement and a huge surprise), Isobel & Bachelorette (two of my all time faves), Notget and Hyperballad which had LITERAL FIREWORKS AND FIREBALLS going off onstage behind her?? What the fuck?? Amazing. And it was the most fun and loving group of people on the rail I’ve ever been part of; everyone around me was so genuinely excited and emotional and singing along and I could FEEL THE LOVE.

So that was an amazing start to the festival obviously and after Bjork we met up with Anna L and went straight to go see Anderson Paak who I missed BOTH TIMES he was here in Portland last year because I’m an idiot, and WOW he is so great live!! I’m actively offended that he is not my boyfriend tbh, he has the most beautiful and infectious smile I’ve ever seen on a human being. Big ol dance party up in the lawn stage. After that we went back to the main stage to watch Missy Elliott for a while and that was a lot of fun; found out after the fact that Bjork and fucking BEYONCE were watching off stage, so like, now I can say I have been in the presence of Beyonce. Went to Flying Lotus early which was the last set of the night to get a good view, with our sweet Flylo-branded 3D glasses obv. Flylo was amazing as always and the 3D show was awesome, I hope he takes it on the road cause that shit was fire. I’m also really into the mystical shaman look he seems to be cultivating lately lmao, and he looks cute as hell with the longer hair!! One of the biggest highlights of the whole weekend for me was when he started the Captain Murphy stuff, got one verse through The Killing Joke, and then was like “you know what fuck this I changed my mind, I want to do this song cause I never get the chance to do it” and fucking busted out with COSPLAY, which is only my favorite Captain Murphy track ever!!! I wasn’t expecting it cause it’s pretty obscure even for the Captain Murphy stuff and I lost my goddamn mind it was so much fun. (Gotta say though that the longer he keeps riding out Murphy tracks from 2012 at his live shows, the more egregious it is that he still hasn’t fuckin dropped a Murphy album or any substantial Murphy release since then. Come on bro. I’ve been waiting 5 years) ANYWAY so that was great of course. Day One = big success.

Day Two! Before we went to the festival that day we met up and had lunch with Anna L’s bf Jesus, who had a Saturday/Sunday festival pass and is a lovely man with great taste in music and cat photos and baseball caps. First set of the day for me was Thundercat and it was my SIXTH time seeing him live, which is hilarious (gonna be 7 times in September.) One of the first things he said to the crowd after getting on stage was “you guys look like you smell weird,” which was accurate. Obviously he’s always great live and I loved getting to hear more of the Drunk songs since the last time I saw him. He’s also rocking some pretty sweet neon pink dreads right now. Caught the end of Noname’s set with Anna A and Chris afterwards and really enjoyed it! I want to check out her album now cause she was great. Grabbed some food and then the whole crew met up together again to see Perfume Genius – GORGEOUS. I’d never seen him live before and he’s so captivating to watch. His performance of Slip Away to close the set was one of my favorites of the whole weekend.

After that I ended up splitting up with everyone, watched some of Arca’s set but ended up leaving to go hang out on the lawn before Erykah Badu because my feet were killing me and I really needed to sit down and recharge. Erykah was supposed to go on at 9:50; cut to 10:15 and she still hasn’t gone on and I was already planning on cutting out of her set at 10:30 to try and snag a semi decent spot for Frank Ocean, so I said fuck it and bailed to go do that. BUMMED I DIDN’T GET TO SEE HER TBH I was really looking forward to it. But it’s kinda good that I left sooner rather than later because the main stage was already pretty packed by 10:30 for Frank. I got an okay spot to the right of the stage probably about 10+ rows back from his platform catwalk thing, and it was easily the most crowded audience I was in all weekend. Talk about being packed like sardines it was madness, if I had showed up like 10 minutes later than I did I would have had an absolutely shit view.

So like…..FRANK FUCKING OCEAN. Never ever thought the day would come that I’d see him live, and the whole experience was so incredibly special to me. I DEFINITELY cried buckets when he sang Lens, which has weirdly become one of my all time favorite tracks in the last few months, and Ivy really really got to me out of nowhere too. Literally everyone around me within earshot sang along to every single word of every song and it was amazing. He played an unreleased cover of some old school funk track that was absolute straight fucking fire, me and the girl next to me danced our asses off together. That shit better get an official release on his radio show like he said he was planning!! Also Brad Pitt was on stage at one point and that was HILARIOUS tbh I wish I had gotten any sort of video of that myself, but the way the wasted dude behind me shouted “WHAT THE FUUUCK” when he popped up on screen will remain fresh in my memory forever. The whole show was gorgeous and I just LOVE FRANK OCEAN!!! I want him to tour so bad so I can actually plan out a scenario where I can get rail for his show and have a better view.

Aaaand Day Three. Got to the festival kinda lateish because the first act the Ann- Squad wanted to see wasn’t till after 6 (Little Dragon), so once we got there we took some photos and wandered around a bit, met back up with Chris and Kylie and took these majestic photobooth pictures, and then Anna A and I went to Little Dragon early for a good spot. I had never seen them before and it was a blast, just a total dance party. They mostly played stuff from Season High which was fine by me cause that album fuckin bangs. Then mood whiplash when we went straight from Little Dragon to Moses Sumney lmao. We got to Moses’ set right when he started our mutual fave Lonely World, serendipitous tbh!! He is beautiful and I loooove the lighting setup he’s got going for his show, it felt really unique to me among the loud dancey festival fare.

After that we went back to the main stage for Solange, which was great; I’m not as familiar with her music as I could be tbh but I really enjoyed how conceptual and dance-oriented her show was. At one point a whole massive brass section streamed in out of nowhere just for one song and it was fuckin awesome. Towards the end of Solange’s set Kylie texted me to say that if we hurried there was still a little bit of rail space left for Run the Jewels in fifteen minutes, to which we were immediately like UHH YES WTF and hustled our way the fuck over – made it in time, got just behind the rail for motherfucking Run the Jewels right before they went on somehow, *Killer Mike voice* goddammit it’s a motherfucking miracle. Give Kylie 5000 gold medals tbh. And RTJ ended up being probably my favorite non-headlining set of the weekend, SO MUCH FUN. The crowd was fucking nuts, everyone around me was going stupidly hard, and I discovered that I know pretty much every word of RTJ3 lmao. The only thing that could have made it more perfect would have been if they’d done Panther Like A Panther, WHICH THEY DIDN’T and was greatly missed by me. But it was amazing. I’m kind of in love with El-P’s ridiculous ass tbh.

Last show of the weekend – Nine Inch Nails!! Who I love!!!!! And hadn’t seen live in almost four years!!!!!! I’m always fucking trash for Nine Inch Nails honestly, their live shows just turn me into a raging dancing idiot and this was no exception. ‘Wish’ will always be one of my favorite songs to hear live from any band ever. Also got to hear Something I Can Never Have and Reptile for the first time ever for me which was awesome!! Bold move of Trent to throw in Something I Can Never Have as the fourth song in a festival set but I was loving it. Like I said yesterday I randomly lost my fucking mind to The Hand That Feeds lmao, I was actually jumping around like a moron. The newer songs were great too, Field On Fire FUCKING BANGS live holy shit. Basically it was just so great to cap off the weekend with band that I’ve loved for ten years and are always fucking immaculate live. And then when it was all over I got chicken strips and fries and walked out of the festival with the fam eating my delicious food. Perfection.

So that was my weekend and I honestly could not have dreamed of having a better time. I’m so so glad that I was able to do this, see some of my favorite bands with an awesome group of people who love music just as much as I do, get out of town and clear my head, and find some healing at a time when I really needed it. I feel very lucky.

[blancheharlow]

Searching for Release | Post-POTW Solo

TLDR: This week on the Blanche #ShitShow: Blanche asks Jeremy Briggs to Homecoming and shows what a great relationship she has with her father. 

TW for Bad Language and Alcohol Mention and a Drug/Over-dose Mention and Ablest Language  and tbh Blanche is really bitter and mean in this  Also credit at NV for some of those insults like d a mn.

For someone that hated looking in the mirror, Blanche sure did it a lot. That morning, Granny made things worse like she always did, crankily pointing out her various faults and telling her what she thought she should do about it. That was always the best way to start the day. Blanche stared at herself in the mirror, a frown on her face. Her skin was a little too tan, and she had a weird bathing suit tan line. The bruises were the worst part. They littered her body in various shades of yellow and purple, and Blanche couldn’t differentiate between the incident with the portal or the incident with the deadly ghost.

Blanche stared at herself in the mirror glumly as Granny said she was going to wait in the car. A twisted grin accompanied by gleeful black eyes stared back at her. 

“Do you want to play a game?”

The lightest whisper tickled her ear. Blanche paled, bending over the sink to start washing her face. Normal had always been just out of reach for her, but she would prefer not to be reminded of the ghost girl every time she tried using her bathroom. She would not be crutching to the downstairs one every time she was afraid.

“Do you give up?” 

Blanche stood, balancing on one foot yet again as she grabbed a makeup brush. She frowned. Her foundation was almost empty. Hopefully there was enough to hide the yellowing bruise on her jaw, and hopefully it had healed more than she thought it did. A full face of make-up brought her less attention then some stupid bruise on her face she got from the fall. The breeze from the open window tickled her skin.

“I win.”

Eyeliner was the worst part, and Blanche almost fucked it up. But she stopped, put the marker down, and took a breath as she looked at her half-done face in the mirror. Her blonde hair was a little too dark. She had scrawny arms. There was this weird crease on the right side of her mouth when she smiled. Blanche slowly started to apply eyeliner again. See? Everything was normal.

“I can take you now!”

Blanche sucked in a breath as she finished her eyes, snatching her green makeup bag to dig out a decent lipstick. It wasn’t supposed to be this way, was it? Blanche’s head tilted as she examined the ‘messy’ look she was going for today, and straightened her bun slightly. Couldn’t look like a total slob, now could she? Blanche wasn’t supposed to remember the feeling of the girl’s hand as it yanked her off her feet, or the gleeful chirp in the ghost’s voice when she realized  Blanche had lost.

She stared at her reflection. This was as good as it was going to get, as always. And, well, crutches and a hand brace didn’t seem to go with any outfit she tried on.  Blanche would just trudge her way to school and hope for the best. 

Not that any of this actually mattered. Shallow problems such as worrying about how weird her lips were or if her eyes were too close together was a substitute for worrying about nightmares of Marley’s arm being eaten off or the Girl in the Gap coming out from under her bed.  Was it selfish to have nightmares about someone else’s arm coming off? The images of Marley’s blood filling her garage and the sound of her screams were burned into her head, and no matter how hard she tried they never went away, no matter how much she thought about makeup or school. 

It was definitely selfish, Blanche decided, that she had spent her morning being reminded of the Girl in the Gap instead of Marley. Really, the thing had left her with no major damages that wouldn’t heal in a few months. Especially when Marley was still in the hospital.

Blanche trudged to her car, pausing to shove her crutches and her bookbag in the passenger seat, ignoring Granny’s protesting as the stuff went straight through her. She grabbed her keys, and turned on the car without a word. 

Granny showed up Sunday night. Something was different about her, something felt… wrong. But nothing was the same, especially as Blanche curled a blanket around her and watched as monsters plagued her neighborhood. She couldn’t bring herself to leave the house. That was selfish too, wasn’t it? Weren’t there things she could be doing? People she could be saving. Driving around, offering refuge in her car… Or something. Granny told her not to mind her pretty little head, and to rest. Granny had since returned to barely speaking to her.

The next morning, her parents rolled up confidently. The day after an apocalypse, they decide to show back up. That was a little too convenient for her taste. Their return was a blur. They checked her over, took her to the hospital to check on the stitches she had gotten on Wednesday, went to the police station to discuss the police, and then just apologizing over and over and over again and receiving more hugs from both her mother and father in a day than she did in the last year. They seemed to be under the impression they were drugged or something, but they fed into the excuse that Great Uncle Whoever had died down in Florida.

Blanche wanted to know what they were on to fuck off to Florida for a week when the town decided to collapse on itself. She wanted what they were having.

Granny was in high spirits, even if she was still mad at Blanche. She was half speaking to her, still to offer advice and tell her about what was going on with other kids at school. but there were times when she was silent, staring forward, clearly distraught. Blanche glanced in her rearview mirror as she pulled into the school parking lot. Granny was no where to be seen. Probably off trying to figure out if anyone died over the long weekend or threw another rager Blanche hadn’t been invited too. Probably the latter. Granny’s presence used to be a bit of a safety blanket for her. But now she was just annoyed and troubled by her constant appearances.

School was probably the worst it had been in a long time. There were multiple stories about how she broke her leg by the time she got to third period last week. Barely a week in, and really the only thing Blanche felt in school was anger and the occasional dose of regret whenever she saw AJ. AP Calculus provided a much needed release, but she was upset  it was so early in the day. Physics was the worst subject. It wasn’t hard, Blanche took to it almost as easily as she did math. But Blanche had fought with one of the only friends she had, and then had been assigned to be his lab partner for the year. She has almost passed out when she came on in Thursday, and kids had snickered at her as she crutched her way to her seat (because it was just sooooo amusing  the crazy girl who talked to herself than others was paired with the serial killer’s kid who was also, apparently, the worst) while AJ proceeded to scowl for the entire class. She was relieved when she was allowed to leave 5 minutes early each class to try and crutch her way to her next befor people swarmed the hallways.

She wanted to apologize. Her little meltdown was uncalled for. Blanche let herself get overwhelmed and angry, and she blasted it at the person who was trying to help her. When Granny actually felt like speaking to her, she was berated for it, like a child. And it stung, and Blanche wished she would go back to yelling at her for wearing her hair in braids.

Blanche took to wearing headphones whenever she wasn’t in class. It was easier to drown everything out, including people being a total dickhead to her and ghosts who saw she could see them. It was like she was starting to attract them like bees on honey. Since Blanche had also been rather public about the portal situation online, most were aware of her supposed involvement. Most thought she imagined it up because she was just so fucking insane and some thought she did it for attention. Granny told her to shake it off. She was too old to let such childish insults to bother her. Or something like that.

Blanche did it. She let the day drag on and on, before the final bell rang and she bolted as fast as she could to get to her car. Unfortunately, she was not fast. But she was calm, and It wasn’t like she hadn’t heard it all all last week anyway.  Blanche didn’t let what anyone said get under her skin.

At least, until she told Jeremy Briggs to go fuck himself in the middle of the parking lot. She had been minding her own business, crutching to her car when she heard it over her music.. “-turn out like his dad, I’m telling you that kid is going to be a serial killer! It’s amazing they haven’t done anything about it yet, the whole school could be in danger. I did the school a favo-"  Blanche didn’t know what made her do it, but he stopped dead in her tracks. “Man, Jeremy,” Her voice carried louder than she originally meant it too. “Do you ever shut the fuck up?”

There was a beat of silence as one of Blanche’s earbuds dropped out of her ear. The chattering around the parking lot had stopped, heads whipping to the sound of Blanche’s loud voice. Blanche could see Amanda jerking her head around, shocked Blanche had spoken more than two words.

Jeremy glowered at her. “You’re defending him?” AJ and Blanche didn’t exactly seem to be the best of friends, considering how skittish Blanche acted and how scowl-y AJ was in Physics.

“I’m not defending anyone, Jeremy. You’re so busy worrying about other people’s lives and what other people think so you don’t have to think about how you’ll win the ‘Most Likely to Have Peaked in High School’ when yearbook superlatives come around in January.”

“Are you kidding me?!” Jeremy scoffed, stepping away from his crowd of friends who were watching in awe. Blanche rarely said a word to them, they just knew her as the freak who probably had some form of schizophrenia and was sometimes painfully awkward. “You think I’m going to take that from someone like you?”

Blanche’s voice carried across the parking lot just as well as Jeremy’s did. “Like me? I’m not the one going to be remembered as the guy to have enough ibuprofen in his locker to make 30 elephants overdose and as the guy that ate an entire jar of paste in 6th grade. Like, wow. So amazing! You’ve made such an impact on all of our lives.” She pretended to fan herself as if she was just too overwhelmed and impressed to continue. “Like, life changing. Please continue to enlighten us.”

“You bitch!” Jeremy was seething. Blanche hadn’t so much batted an eye towards him since he made her cry sophomore year in U.S. Government, and now this was happening. Blanche felt the blood pumping in her ears, and she was ready to take out four years of aggression and hatred on him at this second. “You are insufferable and isolated like a freak. You pretend to be better than everyone else to make yourself feel better when really it’s just because no one fucking likes you. That’s how you’ll be remembered.”

Blanche snorted. “I’m crying a river. Really. I’m just saying it’s kind of sad and pathetic that you’re bragging how it took you four other people to take one person down. It sounds like you’re too much of a pussy to fight your own fucking battles, Jeremy.”

People started murmuring, watching warily. This hadn’t been the fight they had been expecting the first week of school. It took Jeremy a moment to recover from Blanche’s verbal assault, but took a threatening step forward. Under any other circumstance, Blanche probably would have passed out or started crying. Jeremy was a lot bigger than her and could probably throw her, cast and all, like a rag doll. Now? Well, she lacked the energy to care.

For a second, Blanche thought he was going to hit her. She raised her eyebrows tauntingly, head tilting to side. A clear, silent message.

Do it. I dare you.

Jeremy’s eyes narrowed, and he grit his teeth as his hands balled into fists– Adam Conway snatched the back of Jeremy’s shirt then, and there was a moment where he whispered roughly in his ear, gesturing to her crutches.

Right. Jeremy was in enough shit for the locker incident, knocking out one of the school’s academically prized students who had a broken leg in front of the entire parking lot of students would be grounds for expulsion. Apparently jumping someone in the middle of the parking lot wasn’t worth the effort.

Instead, Jeremy leaned close enough to her face as he growled his words. “All you do, Blanche, is sit in the corner and talk to yourself. People try and wave it off and say ‘oh she’s just weird’, but actually, it’s fucking freaky, and no one would ever wanna be friends with a freak who talks to the voices in her head.” 

He painfully  jabbed his finger into her shoulder, almost as if her was trying to knock her off balance. Her eyes narrowed angrily.

Blanche heard Amanda laughing, her shrill voice grating on her skin. Her face curled into a sneer and she leaned right back (somehow finding the balance with her crutches). “Oh please. You’re a shitty person, Jeremy, who bullies other people to feel better about himself because you know in five years you’re going to flunk out of college and be a disappointment to your parents.” She hissed at him. He opened his mouth to retaliate, but she wasn’t done yet.

“And in ten years,” Blanche continued, loudly talking over him. “You’ll be bald, probably divorced. Or you’ll in a marriage you hate because that’s all you’ll ever be, a disappointment. So I would just shut up, sit down, and mind your own fucking business, Jeremy.”  

There was silence. And maybe she hit a little below the belt, but Blanche didn’t care. Payback for the past 4 years of harassment and name calling and other bullying.

“Man, you better watch yourself Harlow.” Jeremy spluttered, angrily. He lost it, unsure what to else to fling at her.  Blanche had won this battle.

“Yeah, okay. Excuse me, I’m quaking on my crutches, really I’m just terrified. Go fuck yourself,” Blanche spat, whirling to crutch away. She felt a little triumphant. She heard Jeremy lurch after her, but clearly someone snatched him back again. It wasn’t worth losing any more playing time on the Lacrosse field than she already had.

“When did you get so fearless?” Granny said, breathlessly next to her. She had watched the whole exchange, pingponging back and forth just like a lot of the other students. Blanche couldn’t tell if her Granny was horrified or proud, and it looked like she was still sorting out her emotions. Blanche rolled her eyes and continued to her car, ignoring Granny.

“I never liked that boy, and I especially don’t like him now.” Granny told her darkly. “Telling my great granddaughter to watch herself.  He’ll regret that dear, don’t you fret—”

“We’ll see who’s regretting what when my car windows are smashed in tomorrow.” Blanche muttered, angrily.

Ignoring the fact she just caused a giant scene in the middle of hte marking lit, she unlocked her car angrily.  Blanche pretended she didn’t care about the people staring, as she got to her car, tossed her crutches in the back seat, and slid into the driver’s side. She could see Jeremy shouting something at her, and Blanche just scowled, flipped him off, and pulled out of her parking spot.

She got home quickly, speeding away from everyone. Blanche sat the kitchen table, leg elevated on another chair as she worked on her Physics homework. A permanent frown was always etched in her face when it came to that class and she didn’t have the energy to pretend she didn’t know why. Blanche scribbled numbers down as a part of a problem, hearing some shuffling from the other room. Her dad was home. A glance at the clock said her mom would be home in a half hour.

Of course they went to work the day after they got home from a week long ‘vacation’. Blanche pressed her lips together angrily. At least they were already home. “Blanche.” Her dad greeted as he walked into the kitchen. Blanche kept her gaze on her work. “Hi dad.” “How was school?"  "Fine."  "And the leg?" 

Blanche fought the urge to roll her eyes. They went through this every day, only with the addition of the broken leg.

“It magically healed all night, Jean. What the hell do you think?” Granny crowed from the corner. Blanche actually sighed then, rubbing her leg. "Still broken.” Her dad’s lips twitched into an annoyed frown. Blanche knew he didn’t approve of her bitingly sarcastic attitude, especially the one she had taken up with him as of late.  “I wanted to talk to you about something.” Blanche glanced back up from her work, blonde eyebrows raised. He went off script. “Oh?” “There was a bottle of wine on the counter before we left… for our trip. Red, for your mother’s and I’s anniversary next week.” Blanche’s eyes narrowed, knowing exactly what he was talking about. The one she had practically chugged and woken up on the bathroom floor with. The same bottle was the first thing she had chucked through the portal into Hell. Part of it was hiding evidence and the other part was just straight anger. Her dad was lucky she didn’t start chucking all of Granny’s antique china, only because Granny would have murdered her.

Or maybe her father and Granny were both lucky it wasn’t easily accessible to people on crutches.

“Yeah?” Blanche finally asked. She wasn’t willing to deal with this. She had just let out a verbal tongue lashing at Jeremy and she didn’t want to deal with this bullshit—

“It’s gone.” 

Blanche stopped writing in her notebook, clutching her pink mechanical pencil a little tighter. Finally, she looked up. “Okay and?” 

“You’re being interrogated. Don’t admit it, lie ‘til the end. But we’ll be having a conversation later, young lady. I saw that selfi-” Blanche shot Granny a look.

“It’s gone.” 

Blanche stared at her dad, a nasty feeling creeping up on her. “Oh?”

“Oh please. You’ve let her get away with worse and you know it.” 

“I can accept my car getting totaled in the animal attack, some of my nice golf clubs, and whatever else is missing and ruined–” he said, seriously. “But there’s no reason for a bottle of wine in the kitchen to go missing. Where is it?”

“Where is it?” Blanche repeated, in disbelief. 

“Yes. Where is it?” 

“Where is what?” she asked, eyebrows shooting up, innocently. 

“Blanche!” Her father groaned in tandem with his grandmother. She was being irritating on purpose. “Where is the bottle of wine?”

“I don’t know.” Her tone was stiff.

“You don’t–”

“Hmmmm….. Where were my parents?” Blanche snapped. Her parents had described their leaving as something compulsive, almost like a drug. They didn’t seem to remember seeing the portal, or anything about it. They were skeptical on what was actually going on. Of course they were. They had never believed her, not even when she was little and she was spouting off facts only Granny could have known.

Maybe all doctors in this town were skeptics.

Her father stared at her. “You know that isn’t fair, don’t put–”

“Oh it isn’t fair?” Blanche said, eyes narrowing. “Forgive me for not being fair. You left me here when the town was in a crisis– I don’t care whether or not you believe in the portals or the animal attack, but I was left here alone. Oh but poor you! You were having your ass tanned in Florida and you got a little sun burnt. Probably laying out by the pool while the rest of us stuck in this town were miserably fighting for our lives!!” 

“It wasn’t our fault and we are sorry.” Her dad was clearly having none of this. What angered Blanche more was her words seemed to fly over his head, like she was just whining about some teenage drama. Blanche wasn’t having any of this either.

“You’re sorry?! I watched a woman’s arm get mangled and bitten off while an acid spitting izard tried to bite my head off! I had to fight a wild fucking animal with a broken leg because of a portal in our garage, by the way, and you and mom just up and left me here. I was on my own! I could have died. Oh, but it’s alright, right? You’re sorry. You’re sorry, just like how sorry I was when I smashed an expensive plate when I was 10. And oooh, it’s alright. It’s not like you guys barely see me anyway– not like I’m probably more responsible than most 18 year olds my age!”

“You got a tatt–” Clearly, this man was not used to fighting with his teenage daughter. And after the verbal tongue lashing she had already given today, Blanche was ready to give another one. Clearly, her anger hasn’t run it’s course.

Blanche and her father had skipped most of the rough years, save for an awkward sex talk with her mom and the first time she was confronted about the tattoo. It had been a breeze. Blanche was good, got good grades, made her mother happy, and didn’t show that much attitude. He was out of his element and Blanche knew it. She was on a roll today and she wasn’t done.

“Oh my god, enough with the tattoo! Don’t hold that over my head when you’re just pissed because I did it without your permission. What’s your tattoo say again?” 

“Don’t Stop Believin’ with a tribute to Journey.” Granny pipped up, unhelpfully. “On his back.” 

“Blanche I—”

“Just– Just stop, Dad. I don’t know where the stupid bottle of wine went.” She lied, practically through her teeth. “You probably took it when you were all drugged up, or… Actually, you know what?”

“Blanche don’t.” Granny warned.

“Maybe I just decided to have myself a party and chugged it. Is that what you want to hear? Had myself a good time while you and mom were parading around Florida like a bunch of idiots. I covered for you with your job, and our house is still standing because of me! Me!” 

Blanche’s father looked furious. “Don’t you dare talk to me like that, young lady. You will speak to me in a respectful manner or—”

“Then don’t try to tell me sorry for leaving for me alone for two weeks in a town that’s trying to kill everyone! I’m lucky I’m alive, and the only thing you want to say to me is where’s that bottle of wine from last week?! Well I have a question for you: Where have my parents been the last 5 years?! I mean, honestly? Do you even pay attention?!

“What is that supposed even mean, Blanche?!” Her father yelled right back. “You aren’t making any sense. You are my daughter, I–”

“Right. And you really think I’m going to be applying to a pre-med program? How long have you deluded yourself into thinking that I want to be just like you and mom– I’m not doing it. That isn’t what I want to do.”

That shut him up, and his eyes widened. Blanche should have mentioned this far earlier than she did, but here they were. 

“I barely see you guys, you’re always working, it’s a wonder I made it through puberty, let alone the last 3 weeks! I mean, jesus dad, what hell do you think goes on in this town?! What the hell do you think goes on with me?”

They were glaring at each other. Blanche didn’t remember standing, but her hands were flat on the table, using it for support as they glared at each other.

The front door opened, and her mother walked in, humming happily with her arms full of groceries. 

“Hello??” Her mom practically sang, coming into the kitchen. “I bought chicken– I figured since I got off early ,I can make chicken parm tonight, your favorite, right Blanche? Ooh, but don’t forget to invite your little friends over, I need to flex my Vegan cooking a little more, and– Oh.” Her mom finally seemed to realize the tension in the air. 

“Sweet Diana. I always liked you.” Granny commented, voice flat. “A little late to get with the program, but always very sweet.”

“I’m not hungry.” Blanche decided, snatching her crutches. “My stomach is upset, I’m going to lay down.” She left her school stuff on the table and crutched out of there and took on the stairs as fast as she could. 

She could hear her parents start to argue in low voices and as she entered her room, Blanche caught a look of the scowl on her face in her vanity mirror. She looked angry and tired, the crease on her forehead making it look even wider.

“Well, at least you finally told him.” Granny pipped up, and Blanche let out a groan, tossing a jacket over the mirror as she finally just collapsed into bed. “It won’t be that bad, Blanche.” 

Granny hovered over her. Blanche glanced at her phone for a few moments, before throwing it to the side and yanking the covers over her head.

None of this made her feel better at all.

[itsjayyyy]

January 16, 2019 4:51 pm

So on last thursday after that update, I met up with heather for the first time since October. We met up at starbucks, but neither of us bought a drink. She already knew about my moving out because she saw me posting about it on snapchat. I told her all about how my new roommates don’t really talk to me (or do the dishes, or pay rent on time...) and also how my parents didn’t let me have my own bed (she was really shocked at that, which i didn’t understand like girl ive been homeless because of my parents no shit they won’t let me take a bed they bought themselves). I also told her about the whole rose situation, and ofc anna. I thought it was funny how when i told her about the whole “surgery on a porcupine” she was like “how is that possible? you mean she did surgery on those things that fall off of trees?”

After hanging with her, I went home since I had like 5 hours until my next class. rose kept messaging me like “hey are you ready to meet up?” “i can see you’re home now” etc. I didn’t answer, and honestly i was annoyed that she used my location as a weapon, so i left my phone at home when i went to class. Which was kinda annoying tbh, i felt so disconnected without it. (just got sidetracked, but i think when i get my student refund i’m gonna buy an ipod nano 1st gen, which was the first mp3 player i ever had. prob gonna fill it with the 3 vocaloid cd’s i found). After class i went to get a smoothie, then drove home. rose was waiting outside my door for me to get home, and she started going on about “omg i was so worried you weren’t answering my texts etc” we get into my apartment, and i just kinda unloaded onto her (again). just told her how it’s not even just the whole mom situation, but all of them had piled so much hate onto me since i was a kid that i’m incapable of loving myself, and it only frustrates me when they say “don’t see yourself negatively!” it’s like someone breaking your arm and then saying “just use your hand to grab x” without acknowledging that your arm was broken by them. she starts crying (as she always does tbh), then we go to get sushi. 

friday i only had one class (psychology) so i chilled at home most of the day. can’t really remember what i did lol. oh wait i think i hung out with rose, to make up for not hanging out on thursday. yea we chilled at my apartment for a bit, then went to the west side to scoop up peter and get hooter’s. and then i complained about how i started feeling sick, and then called in saturday. i told myself that i would get ahead on my homework and clean my room, but i spent most of the day chilling. the gray cat that hangs around my apartment walked by my window, so i opened it and pet her. She climbed into my room, and i spent a good 3 hours just playing with her. I texted the owner asking if she was pregnant or not (bc she really looked like she was about to give birth) but he texted back saying it was a boy, and neutered. apparently he’s just super cuddly. 

i called in sunday too, since it’s like i already lost an attendance point and i didn’t feel like going to work. i actually was productive that day, like i did laundry and cleaned my room. still getting the depressive episode out of my system, though, so i wasn’t running at full capacity. 

on monday, i checked anna’s twitter (btw after i soft blocked her i felt that she was still looking at my profile tho, like our tweets would mirror each other in mood a lot), and she tweeted “omg i think my crush is flirting with me” so rip my chances with her. and yea i know it wasn’t about me bc outside of class i heard her talking about how they were talking thru snapchat. :c

i really can’t wait until fall when i get transferred to the downtown campus, though. as i was walking up to msb, i saw someone sitting directly next to the entrance. and you can probably guess who it was. I really thought “new semester, new schedule, no more stalker savon waiting outside my classes” but i guess i was wrong. as i sat in the hall waiting for my class to start, I had a minor anxiety attack that i tried to cover up by talking to my classmates and professor about high school funding. luckily in that conversation, i learned that msb has two side exits, so now i have different paths to take. (honestly this whole time i’ve gone here, i thought the “handicap accessible” sign in front of the side entrance was trying to say that wheelchairs should go down the stairs, but my classmate pointed out that it was supposed to say “handicap accessible, up this path to the right,” not directly forward. I took the side stairs after class and basically ran to the garage in case he was following. At home i still had an assignment for comp, which was “visit a place on campus that you’ve never been to before and draw it in a 4-panel comic” (this class is all about multimodal writing) which, by the way, is really only possible for freshmen. as a spohomore, there isn’t a single place on campus that i haven’t been to. except for that side stairwell. so i drew my experiences taking a new staircase as an exit. let me make this journal entry multimodal by adding my comic:

anyways, that comic was apparently way overdrawn, when all of my classmates did simple stick figures at memory mall. kinda felt like wednesday addams wearing a long black dress at summer camp. it was nice tho, gave me a way to express all of my feelings about the whole thing (since i had nobody to talk to). it was like art therapy.

tuesday we had a quiz at the end of calc. i know hindsight’s 20/20, but seriously how the fuck did i fail this class it’s so damn simple. I finished the quiz in a literal 30 seconds and then sat there because i didn’t want to be the first person to finish. all of my classmates looked really deep in thought too, so i started to wonder if i was maybe not doing it right. but then the professor walked by and saw i wasn’t doing anything, so i was like “is this all that we have to do (setting up an integral but not even solving it)” and he was like yea, ur good. surreal.

then i went home and chilled until my evening class, then after that drove to peter’s bc we were gonna hang. so rose remembered that i was coming over, but peter forgot; while peter remembered they invited paul over, but rose forgot. i know that they’re kinda close with paul and all but tbh i don’t really know him that well, and it feels awkward hanging with him. when i told rose that, she was like “but you guys have hung out together, remember that time you got blackout drunk and slept on his bed, i felt like that was a real bonding moment for yall” um no i actually didn’t remember that, probably because i was BLACKOUT DRUNK. anyways i told all of them about anna (since peter and paul didn’t hear the story), then we smoked a little and played comer. We all won a round except for peter lol. then we watched an episode of marie kondo’s show (i wanted them to see how she lowkey looks like a robot), and then i headed home. i got home at like midnight tho, and since we had a sub today in calc, i figured i could skip it. so today i woke up around 10, got on campus at 2 since i was gonna hang with heather (but her boss didn’t let her have a break since she only worked 5 hours so we’re gonna meet tomorrow instead), went to psychology (and we finished the chapter early so no class friday!!!), and since then i’ve been in the library writing this.

here’s my plan for surviving this semester: i’m gonna act like this is fuckin birdbox, but extreme version. he wants to get a reaction out of me, and he’s not gonna. from now on, any time that i’m outside of a building (and even most times that i’m indoors but not in class) I’m going to have headphones in, and look down at the ground (not like directly at my feet, but like looking forward but at the ground ahead of me) or at my phone. that way if he finds me, he still can’t get a reaction bc i’m visibly distracted in the only two senses that he can reach me through. i don’t think he would go as far as to try to touch me, so i should be safe.

i hate that i feel like i’m always on the defensive at my own damn college. i hate feeling like i can’t even walk around freely without being followed. but hopefully i just need to make it to fall, hopefully ucf doesn’t delay the opening of the downtown campus, hopefully i transfer in a few months and can *really* put this all behind me. then it’s all smooth sailing, just gonna go through my final two years at uni, then graduate, get a job in CPS for a few years, then go back to school for my master’s. from there become a licensed clinical social worker, so that i can maybe work for cps but in a hospital setting where i get paid more, buy a house, have a family. get out of orlando. (but i kinda like orlando...)

anyways it’s 6 o clock now, so in about 15 minutes i’m gonna leave the library, use the guidelines i wrote above, use the side entrance, and get to class.

[pseudophan]

Choking On Your Alibi

Rating: M Genre/tags/idk: friends to lovers/getting together, fluff, eventual smut, all the good stuff Word count: 6.3k what the fuck Summary: When Dan had first responded to a stranger’s roommate ad, he figured they’d be like acquaintances living together; simply exchanging pleasantries now and then. However as it happens they had quickly become good friends. But what will happen when Dan walks in on Phil hooking up with another guy?

based on this article referencing a reddit post about a guy who thinks he's homophobic because he doesn't like seeing his roommate with other guys

title from Mr. Brightside because that's where everyone gets their titles tbh

click here to read it on ao3 if that’s more your thing

"There's just one more thing," the man sitting across from him says, looking up from Dan’s application form.

"What is it?"

"Well so I assume it's not gonna be much of an issue for you but I'm uh ... I'm gay?"

"Oh," Dan is a bit taken aback at first, though he recovers fairly quickly, "That's cool," he says, truthfully.

Phil relaxes noticeably in his chair, he'd clearly been worried about Dan’s reaction. “I just thought you should know in case i bring any guys home. Or a guy, rather, I mean I’m not gonna bring a whole group and have like an orgy…”

“Phil-”

“Actually my sex life isn’t that interesting, I might not even bring anyone home but-”

“PHIL,” Dan has to raise his voice to get him to stop rambling. “Relax, it’s alright.”

Phil stops and smiles, “okay, cool. Good. So uh- I’ll see you Thursday then, yeah?”

“See you Thursday.” Dan gets up and walks towards the front door, casting one last glance over at the older guy before walking outside.

He is actually looking forward to living with Phil, he seems pretty cool and in the few conversations they’ve had together so far he’s gotten the impression that their interests are fairly similar.

Yeah, he thinks, this will be good.

Three days later Dan is again stood in the London flat, only this time he’s surrounded by boxes and feels a lot less optimistic. He’s still excited about the new living arrangements, but after a full day of moving, the knowledge that he has to unpack all his stuff makes him regret every life decision he has ever made.

“Do you need some help?” Dan is dragged back to reality by Phil’s voice, sounding rather amused.

“Huh?”

“You look a bit overwhelmed, we could order pizza and then I’ll help you unpack?”

“Phil, I fucking love you,” Dan replies, chuckling, and lifts one of the boxes off the floor. “I’ll start carrying these to my room and then you can order the pizza?”

“Sounds like a plan.” Phil smiles and reaches for his phone.

The pizza arrives after about half an hour, just as they finish unpacking the first box. Phil pays the delivery boy - with his own money as he refused to let Dan spend as much as a penny - and brings the food upstairs, figuring they’d eat as they work.

“So,” Phil says as Dan opens the next box. “Tell me something about yourself.”

“Like what?” Dan asks, looking up from the newly opened box.

“Like anything, if we’re gonna be living together I’d like to know more about you.” Phil picks up a plushie from the box and holds it up, “what’s the story behind this?”

Dan laughs and grabs the plushie, placing it on top of his wardrobe. “There’s no story, I won it for my girlfriend in one of those claw crane machine things.”

“That is a story,” Phil says, smiling. “If you won it for your girlfriend then why is it here?”

“She kinda threw it at me as I left her house after we broke up.”

“Oh. I’m sorry?”

“Nothing to be sorry about, it wasn’t the most passionate of relationships. I like the plushie though, so i kept it.”

“Is it like a reminder not to put up with things that don’t make you happy?”

Dan stops, looking up at Phil. “Uh. What?”

“If she threw the plushie at you I’m assuming you were the one who broke it off, and there must have been a reason for that, right?”

“Well, yeah, she cheated on me, but-”

“There you go! Whenever you look at the plushie you’re reminded of a time you did something you maybe didn’t want to, but knew you had to in order to be happy.”

“That’s … a lot deeper than I’ve ever thought about it but I uh. I guess?”

Phil grins, looking very pleased at himself for his analysis of some random teddybear. Dan looks at him and shakes his head in disbelief.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a bit odd?”

“All the time,” Phil says and then he giggles , like a little kid, except somehow it doesn’t seem out of place for him. “I usually take it as a compliment.”

A few months pass, and living with Phil couldn’t be better. They have the same taste in TV and films, and although Phil isn’t into all the music Dan listens to, they do have quite a few favourite bands in common.

When Dan had first responded to a stranger’s roommate ad, he figured they’d be more like acquaintances living together; making their own dinner and exchanging pleasantries now and then. However as it happens they had quickly become good friends, and more often than not they eat their meals together.

On this particular day, Phil had woken him up to make pancakes because ‘it’s Saturday and you can’t have Saturday without pancakes!’

So here they are, in the kitchen making pancakes. Except, they’re not really making pancakes as much as thoroughly destroying the room. The batter has found its way out of the bowl and all over the counter. Long story short, Phil had attempted to use an electric mixer and it didn’t go well.

“You really suck at this cooking thing,” Dan says, laughing at Phil’s defeated expression.

“And you haven’t exactly been much help,” Phil replies. “Besides, it’s the thought that counts and all that.”

“You just keep telling yourself that.”

Then, without warning, Phil lifts the mixer from the bowl again and presses the on button, causing a shower of batter to rain over Dan.

“Oh, my God, Phil!” Dan quickly dips his finger into the batter and smears it on Phil’s cheek in revenge.

“Jokes on you, now I look like I’m wearing some epic war paint,” Phil says, before he coats his entire hand in batter and playfully smacks Dan’s ass.

“Messing up my jeans is a low blow!” Dan says, after the initial shock.

Phil just shrugs. “What can I say, it’s a good ass.”

Dan laughs. They do this a lot, jokingly flirt with each other. If he’s being honest Dan kind of loves it. It’s nothing serious, Phil knows he’s straight, and the way he flirts is clearly just banter, but it gives Dan an odd sense of comfort to be close enough to somebody that they can joke around without it being weird.

All in all this roommate thing is working out quite nicely. But of course, because the universe seems to hate him, something has to go wrong sooner or later.

One day when Dan comes home from the gym - after exercising, obviously, not just quickly signing a year long membership he’ll probably never use before getting intimidated by the very buff guys lifting weights who could all probably kill dan with one finger, thus prompting him to postpone his dream of getting ripped and instead leaving as soon as possible - he finds Phil on the sofa in their lounge. Horizontal. With another man.

Dan freezes in the doorway. He knows he should leave, or at least say something to let them know he’s here, but his legs are glued to the floor and his tongue has stopped working. Phil and the guy are heavily making out, neither of them are wearing shirts and the stranger is slowly moving his hands over Phil’s chest. Suddenly, Phil lets out a loud moan, and evidently that’s what Dan needed to wake up from his frozen state. He lets out a surprised ‘oh!’ and as much as he wish they hadn’t, both Phil and the guy hear him.

“Um,” Dan begins as he steps back from the door, frantically searching for words.

“Dan! I didn’t think you’d be home yet.”

“I’m so sorry, I- I’m just gonna, um- go.” Dan quickly walks towards his room and closes the door behind him, leaving a very flustered Phil on the couch.

Alone in his room, Dan paces back and forth. What the fuck just happened? It’s not so much the fact that he walked in on Phil with a guy, it’s how it made him feel. He feels sick. Like he might throw up at any moment. Why? He’s walked in on his parents before, and though that experience ranks as one of his top 10 least pleasant moments it didn’t make him feel physically ill. Then, a thought strikes him. Is it because Phil was with a guy ?

Dan can’t recall ever having had anything against gay people, and though he was surprised when Phil said he was gay he never thought anything negative of it. However as he unwillingly replays the scene he’d just witnessed, he can’t help but feel highly uncomfortable by it, and if it’s not the idea of walking in on someone itself then what else can it be?

Confused, and frankly quite disappointed in himself, he goes to bed and falls into an uneasy sleep.

When he wakes up the next morning, it’s due to a knock on his bedroom door. Unsurprisingly when the door opens it’s Phil, looking rather embarrassed.

“Hey… Did i wake you?”

“Yeah, but that’s okay. What’s up?” Dan knows what’s up, of course he does, but he asks anyway.

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for last night, I really thought you’d be gone longer.”

“It’s fine,” Dan says.

It isn’t.

“Are you sure?”

No.

“Well I wasn’t exactly expecting to walk in on you getting down and dirty so I was a bit surprised, but really - it’s okay.”

Lies.

Phil doesn’t seem convinced, but he lets it slide and leaves the room, probably to eat breakfast.

Dan tries to go back to sleep but soon realises it’s not gonna happen and gets out of bed. He doesn’t particularly want to have breakfast with Phil, in fear of having to continue the conversation about last night’s awkward encounter, and so he decides to wait until he’s certain Phil is done in the kitchen. Unfortunately this also gives him an unwanted opportunity to ponder his feelings about what happened. Why is he making such a big deal out of this? He’s had gay friends before. Well, one gay friend… Okay he had a gay classmate who he occasionally talked to, but he’d never had any issues with him.

But you never saw that guy with a boyfriend an unwanted voice in his head reasons.

“That’s irrelevant!” Dan exclaims to the empty room, before silently cursing himself and hoping Phil didn’t hear his outburst.

You’re being ridiculous, he thinks to himself, careful not to speak out loud this time to save himself from further embarrassment. If he really does have a problem with Phil being gay, he’ll just have to get the fuck over it.

And he does.

That is, he thinks he has. Until the next time he encounters one of Phil’s dates.

When Phil said his sex life isn’t that interesting he wasn’t lying, it takes almost two months before Dan once again wishes the earth would open up and swallow him whole. This time he comes home from a weekend spent in Wokingham with his family just as a tall, blonde guy he’s never seen before is about to leave.

“Oh, hello!” The stranger smiles and holds out his hand, seemingly for Dan to shake. “I’m Nathan.”

Dan ignores the hand. He’s too busy staring at the telling bruises on Nathan’s neck, unable to keep his mind from imagining how they got there. After about a minute of awkward silence, Phil walks out into the hall, typing something on his phone and therefore not noticing Dan’s presence right away.

“So I’ll call you, yeah? I just saved your-” Phil looks up, finally spotting his roommate. “Dan! Welcome back, did you have a good weekend?”

Dan shrugs.

“Uh, so this is Nathan,” Phil begins, though apparently he’s struggling to figure out what to say next because what follows is just another awkward silence. Incidentally this is when Dan decides to finally chime in.

“So i hear,” he says, not meeting his friend’s eyes. He knows that he’s being an asshole, but the second he walked through the door and realised what Phil had been up to in his absence something just snapped. That was all it took for the time and effort he’d spent convincing himself he was perfectly okay with Phil’s love life to lose its worth. Phil furrows his brows and Dan knows he’s about to get a well deserved berating.

“Right, well, I’m gonna uh...I’ll just go.” Nathan doesn’t wait for a response and is out the door before either of them can say a word. The second the door slams, Phil takes a step towards Dan, his expression dangerously similar to that of someone about to commit murder.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I don’t-” Dan begins, but Phil interrupts him.

“Don’t you dare say that you don’t know! If you’re gonna be a dick, at least pretend to have a reason for it.”

“I just...” Dan tries again, but this time he trails off by himself. I just feel bad because the very thought of you hooking up with a guy makes me feel uncomfortable and frankly downright disgusted, he thinks to himself, inwardly shuddering at how horrible it sounds.

“You just what?” Phil pushes. And then, as if he’s read Dan’s mind he asks “Do you have a problem with me sleeping with other guys?”

Fuck.

“What? Of course not, I don’t give a shit who you hook up with!” Dan doesn’t mean for it to come out that harshly, and it does nothing to calm Phil down. If anything it makes him even more upset, Dan notices, slightly confused at this development.

“You know what, I’m just gonna go stay with Nathan,” Phil says and grabs his jacket, walking past Dan who’s still stood in the middle of the room.

“But I got back early to go to the cinema tonight because you wanted to!”

“Yeah, well, now you won’t have to.” Phil walks past him and opens the door. “Just to be clear,” he says, his back turned, “you’ll be okay if I sleep with him as long as it’s not here?”

Dan tries his best to sound nonchalant when he replies, “It’s none of my business what you do elsewhere, knock yourself out.”

The door slams. Dan feels sick.

He fucked up, God he fucked up. There was absolutely no valid reason for him to be rude to Phil, not to mention poor Nathan, and yet…

Several hours pass and Phil doesn’t return. I guess he was serious about staying the night with Nathan then, Dan thinks, and as soon as he does that familiar nauseous feeling returns. He can’t help but picture the two of them in bed together, naked and sweaty, moans filling the air. Already the first hour he tried drowning his sorrows in alcohol, but all he could find in the flat was a quarter bottle of wine which he drank in one go with very limited effects.

Usually if he doesn’t know what to do he’ll just google it, but something tells him the search results for ‘help i’m a homophobe’ may not be particularly helpful. An obvious solution would be to talk to somebody, but if he’s being honest the entire thing is just really embarrassing. Who does he know that has experience in awkward topics and who won’t judge him for it?

Then it hits him. Louise.

Dan had met Louise during his limited time at uni, and though they don’t meet up as often as they used to she’s still one of his best friends.

She picks up on the second ring, clearly not any more busy than Dan,

“S’up. This is Henry from last night, did I leave my pants at your house?” he opens in the deepest voice he can possibly manage.

“You know, you should probably block your number before attempting to prank call people,” Louise laughs into the phone. “And his name was George, if you must know.”

“No way! Louise has a lovelife, who would’ve thought.”

“Shut up, Howell. Why are you calling, anyway? Shouldn’t you be watching movies with your new BFF?” “Hey, you know it’s not like that-” Dan begins, but Louise laughs and interrupts him.  

“Oh relax, I’m perfectly content being replaced by your cute roommate.”

“Cute?”

“Don’t even pretend like you haven’t noticed.”

Dan rolls his eyes, even though he’s aware Louise can’t actually see him.

“Speaking of, how is Phil?” She continues before Dan can conjure up an appropriate response.

“Well, uh, that’s kinda what I’m calling about-” he begins, hesitating.

“...Yes?” Louise says after several seconds of silence.

“Promise you won’t judge?”

“I will promise no such thing,” she replies, but he can tell by the tone of her voice that she’s joking.

“Alright, here it goes-”

He tells her everything, about how great living with Phil was in the beginning - although she’d already heard that part a million times before - and then how weird it had gotten lately. He talks about how he walked in on Phil with that stranger a couple of months ago, then Nathan and how rude he’d been to him.

“-and then I told Phil I don’t give a fuck who he sleeps with outside of our flat, but that just made him even more upset! He didn’t even say goodbye, just slammed the door and left. That was nearly four hours ago and he doesn’t seem to be coming home any time soon so I guess he really is staying with Nathan or something.” He stops, finally, and takes a deep breath. He must have been rambling for ages.

He’s expecting Louise to say something, but all he hears is silence.

“Hello?”

He hears a sigh on the other end. Then, “you really are an idiot, Dan Howell.”

“You weren’t supposed to judge!” He says, but she ignores him.

“So what you’re saying is that you don’t like Phil being intimate with other guys, and your natural deduction is that you’re homophobic?”

Dan hesitates. When she says it like that it does sound stupid, he must admit.

“During all this freaking out,” Louise continues, “did it ever occur to you that what you’re feeling might just be jealousy?”

“Well yeah, I thought about that, but it’s not like I never have sex either, why would I be jealous of Phil?”

“No, you doofus, I mean you’re jealous of the other guys. Nathan and...whatshisface.”

Oh. Oh.

“You haven't even considered the possibility, have you?” Louise’s voice is amused but considerate.

“I’m not… I don’t… I-” Dan’s head is filled with different thoughts and questions all battling for attention, effectively resulting in none of them being uttered.

“Alright,” Louise says, “close your eyes.”

He’s not entirely sure what’s going on, but any excuse to hand the thinking over to someone else is very welcome and so he does as she says.

“Are they closed?”

“Yep.”

“Okay, now, picture yourself kissing some girl.”

“What, why?”

“Just do it.”

He realises there is no point in arguing and goes along with it.

“How is it?” she asks.

“It’s…nice? I guess.” In a way it is, too. He’s always enjoyed kissing, and though it makes him feel like he’s 13 years old again, picturing kissing a pretty girl is definitely not something he dislikes.

“Now picture kissing a guy.” Louise’s strange request breaks his fantasy, but before he can say anything she continues, “don’t question it, just let your mind run free.”

And so he does. This picture is a lot more difficult to maintain than the last one. He struggles to concentrate, and it’s less of a coherent fantasy and more like a distant idea he can’t fully grasp.

“Well?”

“It’s...weird. I don’t feel ill like when i walked in on Phil with that guy, but I don’t feel anything else either.”

“I have one more.” Louise sounds hesitant, as if she knows he won’t like this next proposal. “Imagine you’re kissing Phil .”

He doesn’t even bother protesting. If he’s being honest he did sort of see it coming, though the idea still makes him feel highly awkward.

Here goes nothing he thinks, and lets his mind run wild. The Phil in his head is walking towards him, as smiley as ever. He stops in front of him and hesitates for a second before moving his hand to rest on Dan’s hip, then gently cups his face with the other. He moves in slowly and lightly presses his lips to Dan’s, who sighs and parts his lips slightly, inviting the other to explore his mouth. However, just as they really start getting into it Dan is torn away by a loud cough.

“Huh?” he opens his eyes and looks around the empty room before he remembers he’s on the phone. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh . What the hell just happened?”

“What do you mean? I just did what you told me to”

“I told you to picture yourself kissing Phil, not passionately making love to him.”

“I didn’t!”

“Dan, you moaned.”

Dan’s face goes deep red and he can only thank any possible higher power that there isn’t anyone in the room to witness it.

Louise laughs. “Well, it seems like you have no problem with Phil kissing guys if it’s you he’s kissing.”

Dan almost smiles at her words, but any hints of said smile vanishes from his face when he remembers Phil wouldn’t actually kiss him, ever.

“God, Louise, what the fuck do I do?” He sighs and sinks deeper into the sofa cushions.

“I suggest you make out with Phil and live happily ever after.”

“Yeah, see, there’s a gaping hole in that plan. Phil doesn’t like me in that way!”

“Dan… are you blind and deaf or are you just simply an idiot?”

“Huh?”

“Phil is so obviously into you! Didn’t you say he got upset when you said you don’t care who he sleeps with?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“And doesn’t he flirt with you like all the time?”

“That’s just for fun! It’s not like he means it.”

“Is it though?”

“I mean…I think it is. Oh God, what if it isn’t?”

On one hand the thought of Phil liking him back fills Dan with so much joy he could barely contain himself, but on the other it scares him half to death. Not only has he never been with a guy before, but Phil is one of his best friends and the thought of fucking that up terrifies him.

“Dan?” Louise’s voice is quiet and careful, as if she’s afraid she’ll scare him. “If you want my advice I say take some time, think everything over and then if you decide to tell Phil I will be here cheering you on.”

“And if I decide not to?”

“I’ll still be cheering you on, just with less enthusiasm.”

Dan chuckles. “Thanks. I love you, did you know that?”

“I’ve always suspected. Goodbye and good luck!”

“Bye.”

The next few days are agonising . His newly discovered crush ends up staying at his boyfriend-or-fuckbuddy-or-whatever’s house for three days, leaving Dan to re-think his decision over and over until he’s certain he will actually go insane. At first he decides not to do anything and just hope the crush will disappear on its own. Then, four hours and a fair amount of alcohol later, he changes his mind and suddenly telling Phil seems like the best idea anyone has ever had. It’s a good thing he didn’t charge his phone after the long chat with Louise because he tries his best to drunk dial the man in question, but the battery dies before any harm is caused.

By the time Phil finally arrives back at the apartment Dan has been back and forth so many times he’s given himself whiplash. In the end, though, he decided not to tell Phil. It’s not worth it, he thinks. Our existing friendship is more valuable than my need to snog him.

And if a little voice in the back of his head is yelling bullshit! at his claims, he is skilfully ignoring it.

A week passes and Dan is frustrated.

Then another week and Dan is in agony.

Being around Phil before he realised his feelings was bad enough, but now it’s downright torturous. More than once he finds himself staring at Phil’s lips as he speaks, or follow his hand as he raises it to brush his fringe out of his eyes or scratch his jaw or fuck knows what else.

Phil hasn’t brought up their argument, nor the cause for it, since it happened and Dan is more than happy to pretend it never happened. Nathan hasn’t been around since that day and Phil hasn’t been outside enough for Dan to suspect they’ve met anywhere else, and although he knows it’s selfish he can’t help but hope it will stay that way.

It doesn’t, of course.

“Hey, Dan, have you seen my phone?”

Dan looks up from his laptop screen to see Phil standing in the doorway of the lounge, looking mildly stressed. He chuckles at his flatmate’s expression and ponders the question for a few seconds.

“Have you checked the bathroom?” he says, finally. “I’m not entirely sure but I think I may have seen it in there earlier.”

Phil walks away and half a minute later Dan hears a triumphant “Hah!” coming from the bathroom, making him chuckle.

“It’s been missing for hours,” Phil says as he reenters the lounge and falls down on the sofa next to Dan. “Two missed calls from my mum, several snapchat notifications and- oh.”

“What?” Dan asks, confused.

“Uh, it’s nothing, nevermind.” Phil smiles at him, but contrary to popular belief Dan isn’t a complete idiot, and keeps pushing.

“Come on. Is there anything wrong?”

“No, it’s just… Nathan texted me?” It’s not a question, but the nervousness in Phil’s voice makes it sound like one, as if he’s unsure whether he’s allowed to receive texts from boys. Fuck, that makes Dan feel like a shitty person.

“Oh.”

“He’s asking if I want to go out for a drink tonight.”

“Oh,” Dan says again. “Are you going?”

Phil shifts uncomfortably in his seat, clearly conflicted. “I want to, but I don’t wanna make things awkward between us again so if it bothers you for whatever reason I won’t.”

Dan wants nothing more than to tell Phil not to go, to beg him never to see Nathan - or anyone else, for that matter - ever again.

But of course he doesn’t do that. He can’t. He has no right to decide over Phil’s life, and in the end he truly does want Phil to be happy.

“You should go,” he says, finally.

“Really?” Phil sounds excited.

“Sure.”

“You’re the best,” Phil says and gives him a quick hug before getting up.

By the time Dan recovers, Phil is gone and Dan can hear him rummaging around in the bathroom, presumably getting ready for his date. With Nathan. Phil is going on a date with Nathan.

Dan feels sick. It’s the same feeling he got when he first met Nathan and realised what he and Phil had been up to, except this time he recognises it and knows what caused it. Jealousy. He is so jealous he wants to scream. He might have done it as well, if it wasn’t for Phil being able to hear him.

And so he settles for crying. He gets up and all but runs to his room, closing the door behind him before he falls into his bed and sobs into his pillow. It’s pathetic, he knows it is, but right now he has no idea what else to do. He cries until he can’t anymore, and ends up just laying there, staring up into nothing.

That’s when he sees it. On the top of his closet; the stupid plushie he’d won for his girlfriend. God, that felt like so long ago now. He can’t even remember the day he got it, only her angry cries as she threw it at him after he broke up with her. No, wait… He remembers one more thing. He remembers Phil picking it up and asking for the story behind it. He remembers him analysing it, saying it reminded Dan to do whatever it takes to be happy. He remembers his giggle when Dan called him weird.

And suddenly Dan knows exactly what he needs to do.

Before he can change his mind he hurries out of bed, rips his door open and runs down the hall. Please dear God tell me he hasn't left yet, he thinks, as he all but trips down the stairs. And for once in his life the luck is on his side because there, looking both confused and concerned, is Phil. He's wearing a coat and is clearly on his way out, but Dan has already decided that Phil's date is cancelled. Sorry Nathan. "Dan, what-" Phil begins, but Dan cuts him off.

"Do you have any idea how annoying you are?"

"I-" Phil tries again, to no avail.

"My life was going great! Well, perhaps not great, but it was fine. It was calm, and I had everything more or less figured out." For the third time, Phil opens his mouth to say something.

"But then!" Dan exclaims before he can utter as much as a syllable. "But then. Then you came along. With your stories and opinions and unique way of thinking that I could probably listen to for hours on end. And your hair is neat and never curls and somehow you can dye it an emo black well into your twenties and still look good. And then you started bringing guys home and I felt so awful and I didn’t understand why and I was sure I’d somehow become homophobic."

The confused look on Phil's face is replaced by an amused smile, and this time he doesn't even try to interrupt Dan's rant.

"And you giggle! You giggle like a five year old and it's annoying and adorable and I just want to kiss that stupid grin off your face."

"Then go for it."

"Huh?"

"Kiss the stupid grin off my face. I dare you."

And so he does. In two short steps Dan reaches Phil and he doesn't give himself as much as a second to think before grabbing the front of the other's jacket and pulling him in. Their lips meet, and suddenly nothing else matters. Dan doesn't care about his newfound sexuality crisis, all he cares about is Phil's lips and how smooth they are against his own chapped ones. Phil grabs Dan’s waist with one hand and pulls him closer, then moves the other to the back of his neck and tilts his head before he tentatively flicks his tongue over Dan’s bottom lip. Dan can’t help but moan, and doesn’t even have the time to feel embarrassed before Phil takes advantage of his parted lips and deepens the kiss and then Dan is gone.

They kiss for what feels like hours. Dan is pressed up against the wall and Phil’s coat has long since been discarded, allowing the younger to roam his hands under his shirt and feel the warm skin of his back.

“Wait, shit, Dan I-” Phil pulls back, sweaty and out of breath, and rests his forehead against Dan’s.

Dan wants nothing more than to ignore him and just keep kissing, but he knows better than to force himself on him. “What’s wrong?” he asks instead.

“Nothing’s wrong, I just um-” he nods down, and Dan follows the motion, instantly realising what he’s getting at.

“Oh.” Phil’s jeans are tight, and even in the dim light of the hallway he can clearly see the bulge forming underneath them.

“I don’t want to pressure you into something you’re not ready for, so we should probably stop before things escalate.”

Dan goes quiet for a moment, still lightly stroking Phil’s back with his thumb as he thinks. He is already in way over his head, and he has no idea how to proceed with getting intimate with another man, yet there is still a voice in his head telling him to just do it. Phil definitely isn’t the only one who’s gotten worked up over their current situation, and although he could always retreat to his room for a wank, something tells him it would be a disappointing high.

Deciding that this truly is the day for trying new things, Dan takes a deep breath and looks Phil straight in the eye as he slides his hand from his back and towards the bulge in his jeans. He moves slowly, making sure Phil knows exactly what he’s doing and has the opportunity to stop him if he wants to. He doesn’t, and Dan takes it as permission to continue. Phil gasps as Dan suddenly presses his hand against his crotch, beginning to palm him over his jeans. Dan smirks as he feels Phil grow impossibly harder under his touch, noting how his breath catches when Dan slowly pulls down his zipper.

“Can I?” Dan asks, though he’s pretty sure he knows the answer already.

“God, yes,” Phil replies, and Dan wastes no time before pulling his jeans down over his hips, immediately resuming his previous actions. Now that the jeans are gone he can feel the shape of Phil’s length through the thin fabric of his boxers. Phil moans and God the knowledge that Dan is the reason for these noises is intoxicating.

In the midst of his desire to please Phil he has completely forgotten about his own hard-on, and so when Phil suddenly reaches out to undo Dan’s own trousers it takes him a second to understand what is happening.

“I’ve got an idea,” Phil says, fingers toying with the waistband of his jeans. “Do you trust me?”

Without even thinking, Dan replies “Completely,” and Phil pecks his lips before promptly pulling down his jeans. He then steps out of his own and discard them completely, motioning for Dan to do the same.

Once they’re both stripped down to their underwear, Phil pulls Dan in for a heated kiss that leaves him weak in the knees. As their lips and tongues move together, Phil moves both of his hands to Dan’s backside and, without warning, grabs his ass. Then, as if that wasn’t enough to send Dan’s head spinning, he pulls him impossibly closer and rolls his hips into the younger man’s, causing their erections to rub together and making them both moan into each other’s mouths.

“Fuck, shit, shit, fuck!” Dan desperately clutches Phil’s shirt as they continue to move together, the thinking part of his brain having long since stopped working. “How very articulate,” Phil teases, though the moan he lets out just afterwards makes it clear he’s just as far gone as Dan.

Dan moves his hands back to their previous spot under Phil’s shirt, desperate to feel more of his soft skin beneath his fingers. Taking the hint, Phil hastily removes the shirt completely, allowing Dan’s hands to roam even further. Whilst Dan is occupied with exploring every part of his body, Phil takes the opportunity to back him up against the wall once again. He then lowers his mouth to Dan’s neck and starts sucking and biting slightly at the skin there. This, paired with a particularly well aimed roll of his hips, makes Dan moan louder than he think he ever has, and if his brain was in a normal working state he’d no doubt be embarrassed.

“I’m ah- I’m close,” Dan manages, barely.

Phil stops.

He fucking stops.

“Phil!” Dan whines, trying his best to roll his hips into Phil’s again but he just steps back. Dan is just about to take matters into his own hands - literally - and jerk himself off, when Phil falls to his knees in front of him and oh. Oh.

Without a word, Phil pulls down Dan’s boxers, and just the sight of Phil’s mouth that close to his cock is enough to make Dan moan again. When Phil then licks a stripe from his base to his tip, Dan is certain he’s going to literally fall apart. This is proved even more likely when Phil wraps his lips around the head of his cock and starts sucking lightly, teasingly flicking his tongue over the tip. Just as Dan is about to tell Phil to please oh please hurry the fuck up, he takes his entire length into his mouth and holy shit does he even have a gag reflex?

Once again Dan warns Phil that he’s about to come, and Phil looks up at him through his lashes as he pulls his own cock out of his boxers and starts stroking himself as he takes Dan all the way down again. The tip of his cock hitting the back of Phil’s throat combined with the look on Phil’s face as he chases his own orgasm is enough to send Dan over the edge. He cries out as he comes, unable to keep his hips from bucking into Phil’s mouth as the older man swallows around him, not spilling a single drop.

Dan sinks down the wall, unable to keep himself standing any longer. In fact, he can’t see himself standing up ever again if he’s being honest. Phil wipes his own cum on his previously discarded jeans before turning back to Dan, who can’t help but run his hand through the ruffled black hair. He pulls Phil closer and their lips meet as Dan ignores the voice in his head reminding him that the lips he’s kissing were around his cock only two minutes ago.

“So,” Phil says as they pull apart for air. “What’s the verdict?”

“Huh?” Dan asks, confused.

“Well, are you homophobic or..?”

“Oh, shut up.”

Phil just giggles and pulls Dan in for another kiss.

------

so uh. did you like it? confession time, i haven't actually written a proper fic before so i'm nervous as HECK. hopefully it wasn't entirely terrible though ahhh

thank you to andy (jellyfics) for being my beta (and helping with the title when i was ready to Die after pondering it for ten hours) and to caitlyn (ratinof) for constantly assuring me that the fic isn't /entirely/ shit. i appreciate it.

[officialmccall]

Believe It or Not. Part 8.

Summary: after the night at the school, y/n is more shaken up than ever. For Scott, she acts like she's fine. But she keeps seeing what happened in her head, and they won't stop. Until someone helps her. content: hella fluff tbh (Based off 1x08 "Lunatic") After everything that happened in the school that night, Melissa wasn't letting Scott or Y/n out of the house for anything. Y/n was practically losing her mind with boredom. She had done all her homework, and was working her way through the entire Star Wars series for the 290220 time probably. *sidenote, rip Carrie Fisher <3* She pretty much fell off her bed when she heard her phone ring, struggling and stumbling to get to the device. Once she picked it up she saw that Stiles was calling her. A mix of emotions flowed through her as she answered. "Stiles, hi!" She greeted, probably a little bit too enthusiastically. "Hi to you too, how do you feel about helping me with something?" Y/n could hear the excitement in his voice. "Why do I have the feeling that this is something where I have to worry about getting caught?" She teased. "Because those are the only plans I ever make." Y/n laughed at the boy. "Alright Stilinski, what is it?" He didn't waste a beat telling her all about his plan, "I know Scott's been super down because of Allison lately, and I also know neither of you are allowed to leave the house. So if you could gather your depressing brother and convince him to climb out your window that would be great." She walked the few feet to her window to see that, he was in fact, standing right outside her window. "Alright fine but have him back by 11." "Yes ma'am." Y/n hung up the phone and headed to Scott's room where she had to drag him out of bed and back to her room. "You have to be quiet alright. Stiles is right outside my window, but mom is in the room right below so be careful." Y/n unlocked her window and lifted it up, feeling a cool breeze flow through her room, sending a slight shiver through her body. She stuck her head out briefly to see the spastic boy waiting for his best friend. "Thanks y/n." Scott whispered as he started to stick his legs out the window and gain his balance on the roof. She watched as the two boys ran off into the darkness, and smiled to herself. Hopefully Scott would be happy again. - - - It was Monday morning and y/n had to go back to school after the building being shut down Thursday and Friday. She woke up and quickly got dressed in black tights, and her black floral print dress that matched perfectly with her light brown boots. She realized she hadn't heard Scott up and moving around so she decided to go check on him and make sure he was awake. She took cautious steps inside his door frame to see that he was still asleep. But, once she was completely inside her brother's room his alarm finally went off. "Beautiful Monday morning, Beacon Hills High School is back open after being closed Thursday and Friday. Police search continues for alleged killer. Derek Hale-" Y/n raced over to silence the fuzzy radio noise, and gave Scott a hesitant smile when she saw he was awake. "We should probably set this to buzzer Huh," Scott groaned as a response. "You alive in there?" She poked his face trying to lighten the mood. "No." "Not ready to go back to school?" "No." "You want to stay home another day? I'll stay too?" Y/n offered sympathetically. "No." She sighed, "Okay. This isn't just about what happened at the school, right? It's about Allison. Do you want to talk about it?" Y/n had now moved so she was sitting on the edge of Scott's bed next to him. "Not with you." He mumbled closing his brown eyes and letting his head fall back onto his indented pillow. "Hey!" She nudged him, "I may not know what you're going through but I'm here." That was the last thing she said before urging him to get up so they wouldn't be late. She had started to walk back out of his room when a slight whisper caught her attention causing her to stop in her tracks and place her hand on the door frame. "I'm gonna get her back." Y/n wasn't sure if Scott was actually addressing her or just encouraging himself but she turned around anyway and smiled at him. "You will." She assured him. She truly hoped he did get her back too. She hadn't ever seen her brother that happy before. - - - Y/n was walking up the stairs of her high school, books in her hand and her head down. She kept replaying the other night in her head. She could barely sleep, she was trying to act like she was fine for Scott. With everything going on she knew he didn't need to be worrying about her, he didn't need to know that she knew the truth either. (< when writing is in between these it's a flashback>) <"please just one second to explain!" The scared girl pleaded to the janitor, yelling at him to leave. One person was already dead, and they were all next. So if they could just save this one person, that would be enough for her. That's when the beast jumped out of nowhere and ripped out the mans jugular. Y/n watched in fear as blood poured from his wound and his mouth. Before she could do anything the beast wrapped his claws around her neck and lifted her up. "Get off of me!" She screamed.> "Hey, Hey! Y/n it's me, it's me." She was pulled from her nightmare when she realized she was staring into Stiles' golden eyes. He had grabbed her arm, not the beast. Her breathing was out of control. She looked around and saw her books scattered all over the hallway floor, and people staring. "Come on, I'll get you out of here." Stiles' whispered in her ear as he helped her get to her feet. She stood there, silent and in shock, hugging her arms to her chest as Stiles grabbed all of her belongings and put them back in her bag before slinging the thing across his shoulder. Y/n's eyes stayed focused down, she could still feel their eyes on her, and she hated it. She hated that she couldn't talk to anyone about what she was going through, she hated that she could be of no help to Scott, she hated that her entire world had been flipped upside down, and she hated being weak. She felt tears slip out of her eyes before she was pulled from her thoughts by Stiles' hand back on her arm, gently tugging on her so she would walk with him. Y/n took one step, and Gravity got the best of her. She was falling and then in a matter of seconds she wasn't. Stiles had caught her and swiftly lifted the girl in his arms. Y/n rested her head on his shoulder and let her eyes shut as he quickly sped away from the mob of glaring eyes. Once Stiles found an empty classroom he set y/n on top of one of the desks so she could sit. Once he got her situated he took a moment to look at her, to really look at her. Y/n's gaze was down towards her shaking hands, to which he grabbed, the touch forcing her to look at him. He smiled at her and then used one hand to wipe the tears away that had spilled, leaving stains on her red cheeks. "I guess that's just Monday for ya." He commented, making her laugh. The sound brought complete joy to his ears, she was okay. "Sorry about that." Y/n apologized, using one hand to tuck both sides of her hair behind her ears. "Don't be." Stiles said, placing his finger under her chin, moving her head up until her eyes met his again. "What happened?" He questioned her cautiously. "I- I just-" y/n tried to explain until her breathing started getting uneasy again just thinking about it. "Shh, it's okay. You're okay." The boy reminded her with his soothing voice. He stared at her for a long time, watching as her chest started to rise and fall at a slower pace. Then he hesitantly urged her to keep talking. "Was it, was it because of what happened, what happened here?" Y/n's eyes shifted to look out the window, she watched as the trees blew lightly in the breeze and how the clouds shifted uneven spots of shade on the world, before answering. "yes." She was caught of guard when suddenly she was being lead forward into the embrace of Stiles' arms, to which she gladly welcomed. She clutched both of her arms around his neck and pulled him close, needing the comfort. Needing his comfort. His arms were wrapped near her lower waist, pulling her closer until she was no longer sitting on the desk but standing on her feet. His thumbs ran light lines across her back, soothing her. The two remained that way for a few, long minutes. Until y/n started to pull away, and when she did she looked him in the eyes and couldn't stop staring at them. Stiles' eyes were locked on hers too, and she almost didn't notice that he had started leaning towards her, she was so lost in the moment. Y/n pulled her self back to reality, and turned her head slightly. Stopping him from what he was about to do. "Im sorry-" Stiles took a step back from her as she cut him off. "You just- you can't do that, okay." "I know," he whispered running his hand over his head, "I know because you're Scott's sister." He finished his thought. "No." Y/n said, catching his attention, he turned his eyes to look at her. She could see the confusion in them, so she elaborated. "No, because I'm not Lydia." She turned away from the gaze burning a hole into her, the only time she has ever been able to turn away from those eyes. Y/n grabbed her things and headed towards the door, she was extremely late to class. "Thank you for- uh, for helping me." She mumbled frantically while trying to gather herself before going back out into the world. "Oh and Stiles," she turned on her heel only to see a hurt expression on his face, it killed her. But she continued anyway, "don't tell Scott." And that was the last thing she whispered, before leaving him standing there alone. - - - After school Y/n just went home and lied down in her bed. She didn't dare shut her eyes, in fear of reliving the other night again. She told her mom she was headed up stairs to do homework so she wouldn't bother her. She loved her mom more than anything, but if Melissa asked if she was okay one more time she would've screamed. Of course she's not okay. Nothing is okay. Everything that could go wrong, is going even worse than wrong. Not only does y/n now have nightmares even when she's awake, a werewolf brother who practically has a death sentence written on his forehead. But, now she has to deal with what happened in that classroom today with Stiles. She kept telling herself that he was just caught up in the moment, she was 110% sure he didn't mean it. She couldn't stop thinking about it though, thinking about him. Y/n's always wanted to kiss that boy. She wanted it to happen today, but she can't do that to herself. She will not kiss Stiles Stilinski if he's in love with someone else. She heard the faint of the front door opening downstairs and assumed Scott was home. She called out to make sure, since her mom had already left for her shift. "Scott?" She yelled from her same position. "Stiles." Was the answer she received. Mixed feelings of excitement and nervousness coursed through y/n's body. She finally sat up and made her way down the stairs, to see him re closing the front door with a key in his hand. He turned around and immediately looked at her, not sure what to do or say. "Key?" She questioned, pointing to the object in Stiles' hand. "Yeah I had one made, so-" She watched as the boy awkwardly flailed around, and let a small laugh escape her mouth. "That doesn't surprise me, " she smiled, "it scares me, but it doesn't surprise me." They stood there in silence until y/n noticed the giant black duffle bag that Stiles had brought inside with him. "What is that?" She asked. "Uh. School project." Y/n didn't believe him for one second, especially after he dropped the duffle bag on the floor and a silver chain peeked through the opening. Then it hit her, the full moon is tonight. She knew she couldn't ask him directly about what their plan was, so she settled for, "He's okay, right?" For the first time since he's walked into the house, he looked her in the eyes. "Who Scott? Yeah he's fine." His voice cracked while he was talking, and she didn't want to make him too uncomfortable but she needed to make sure her brother was going to be okay. "He just, he doesn't talk to me as much as he used." Y/n looked down at her feet saying this, it hurt her. Knowing she couldn't do anything, she couldn't help. She wasn't as smart as Stiles, so she trusted him to take care of her brother. "He's going to be okay, y/n." Stiles' voice sounded closer so she looked up to see that he was in fact standing directly in front of her. Her breathe caught in her throat at the intensity of his eyes standing into hers. "Right," she answered shifting away from his uncomfortable gaze, "well you can wait for Scott. I'm just gonna go back to my room." She shifted on the stairs slightly to make her way back up before Stiles' voice stopped her. "Wait, you're going to be home tonight?" He worriedly asked. "Uhm, yes?" She questioned. "Oh, okay. Just uhm, stay in your room okay?" His odd behavior caught her off guard before she thought it through. He had a chain, it's the full moon, her brother won't have control. Perfect. Stiles' is going to chain her brother up in his room. She just nodded at the boy before turning fully on her heal and taking each step until she reached the top. She reached the entrance to her room and turned around just to see the last bit of Stiles walking into Scott's room. Sighing sadly, y/n entered her room the rest of the way and shut her door behind her. - - - In the room just down the hall from y/n's, Stiles had tricked Scott into getting handcuffed to the heater in his room. The full moon had already taken affect on Scott and it was starting to scare Stiles. But he wouldn't dare show his fear, Stiles' anger towards his best friend at this point was stronger. From out of the black duffle bag Stiles grabbed out a dog's water dish that had 'Scott' written out on it. "I got you some water." The boy said before pouring a bottle of water inside the bowl. "Im going to kill you." Scott growled at Stiles, not in control of himself at all. "I'm lying to her Scott," Stiles decided to take this chance to finally speak his mind about the situation they've all been thrown into, "Okay? You're making me lie to y/n. The one girl that I- and you know, you told me we couldn't tell her for her protection. And I went along with it, it made sense at first. But Scott, she's knows something's up. And you... We're both going to lose her. God did you ever think that she would be safer if she knew what was going on?" He paced back in forth in front of Scott, "you're freaking unbelievable Scott. We can't keep this from her forever." He watched as his best friend stared at him with a killer look in his eye. "Maybe you should tell her how you feel." Scott whispered, but Stiles heard him. "What?" He asked anyway. "What the point? She's too good for you, you think you could be with my sister? You're nothing Stiles. You think you can protect her? You can't even help me." The boy in front of Stiles became completely unrecognizable to him. But he knew he was right, the only thing he can do is chain up his best friend. He can't actually solve any of this, he would never be able to keep y/n safe if he needed to. And that's what worried him so much with her just being a few feet away. Scott started begging for Stiles to release him, using multiple excuses to convince Stiles that he had control of himself again. "I can't." Stiles said, leaning against the bedroom wall. Then all of the sudden, Scott became eerily quiet, which didn't go unnoticed by Stiles. "Scott, are you okay? Scott?" Without warning Scott had broken through the handcuffs and rammed right through the window and Stiles wasn't able to stop him. He had no idea what to do. But Scott's words ran through his mind over and over again... 'you can't even help me.' And he was right, he doesn't even know where to begin. Tears started to fall silently down his cheeks. He made it just outside of Scott's room before collapsing on to the floor, back leaning against the wall. Out of frustration he slammed his head against the wall and let the tears run freely, running his hands over his head. - - - Y/n was startled from her homework when she heard a sudden banging against the wall just outside the the door and in the hall. She had been lying on her stomach working her way through biology notes, but when she heard the noise she rolled towards the edge of her bed until her feet hit the floor. Y/n opened her door quietly and peeked her head around to get a glimpse of what was going on outside. Her heart immediately dropped to her stomach when she saw a very distressed Stiles. Tears falling from his eyes and staining his pink cheeks. Y/n hesitantly tip-toed her way over to him. He didn't even glance at her, but y/n knew that he knew she was there. She let herself slide down the wall until she was sitting in the same position right next to him. She studied his side profile, as he still wouldn't look at her. She memorized the pattern of his moles that lie scattered on his face before placing her hand gently over his and squeezing tightly. Only then, did he take the time to finally look at her. He found himself at a loss of breath when he looked into her eyes, and it all hit him at once, making him completely forget everything going on in his life. It hit him. He would always, want to protect this girl. He will always, want to see her smiling. He will always, care about her. His feelings for Lydia, were non-existent. How could he only realize this now? The way he felt when he looked at Lydia, was nothing compared to how he felt right now. On the floor, holding the hand and staring into the eyes of the girl he truly cares for. "I have to go." He whispered to her before getting up and sprinting out of the McCall house. He couldn't waste anymore time being there, he needed to speak to his dad immediately. He needed to do something, and he can do something. Scott was wrong. Not only is he going to help his best friend, but he just made himself a promise. Y/n will always be safe, and under his protection. *leave feedback when you're done reading please*

[solasulad]

November Update Mo’de.

November 9th I don’t even know what’s going on. I thought I wanted dick tbh. Like thought I was okay with fucking with him cause I didn’t feel anything for him. Turns out I play myself and etc you already know how this goes...

So I’ve been talking to mode on and off lately mostly weekdays for like 2 weeks we been texting. Was supposed to see him Sunday or something but said fuck it and he never replied back. So he says he has a phone issue okay I get it cause he downgraded to a iPhone 6. Kinda make sense but idk if I even wanna believe his phones been acting up since February.

So.. we had talks of plans on meeting up. Come Monday he’s been very friendly with me via text. Even when I give him half ass replies he takes it and says something else. Told me me missed me again, I said yah sure should’ve ghosted your ass he’s like why? I told him he’s like sorry we can chill this week. This week ended up turning into a w/e feeling tbh. Like I was horny mad horny i was even down to fuck him and not say anything either. Just go there fuck and leave nothing else. Maybe even end it the feeling was just trash tell him I moved on or something and that I want to focus on my self. Sound like a white bitch but it’s true. I really wanted to end it at some point. Everyone I know says he’s not worth it. Damn even my mom says he’s not worth it. He challenges my insecurities. He isn’t that good looking but he makes me feel like I’m just average at best.

Nov 20th So cont. he sends me a message on Tuesday asking about my bday and that I should let him know if anything changes. I said I would, then he finishes the text sentence for me with one word & I reply back like you finishing my sentences he’s like yah real one I’m like cringing rn he’s like boo I’m like don’t.

Lol^ but he never texts me affectionate stuff so that was a turn off since I was already tryna distance myself from that.

So come to Wednesday we still talk via text only** I was horny too 😭 so I messaged him asking if he was busy after work. Then replied back he’s with his homie.. asked me if tomorrow was okay I was like okay.

I just wanted some dick tbh nothing else maybe a little cuddle that’s all 😰

Come Thursday, we text during the morning was still replying late the other day. W/e but we did have plans to link up that night. - we link up Thursday night. He pulls up to tim hortons in my area and I get into his car. We’re just talking for like a bit suddenly out of nowhere my younger brother pulls up, him and his friend in my step dads car. I see him get out the car smoking a cigarette and just standing there.

I’m shook at this point. I lean back in mode’s car because I don’t want to be seen. I confused because I don’t wanna expose myself but I want to approach him and smack him across his head. So he goes into Tim hortons, mode tells me that I should go and just say I saw him pulling out of the drive way. Once he goes inside I quickly run in the store and approach him. I look at him and can tell he’s high. His eyes red, smells like shit & can’t even focus.

So I talk to him and tell him fix up. That’s not the kinda path he’s gonna wanna be on when he’s older.

Long story short, I told him go home and I’m see him there.

I leave the area call mo’de to link up again and he follows me to another spot near by. We talk for a bit I can’t even remember what cause it was two week ago. But we talked for a bit then started making out. He pulls up to another spot, we get in the back and he’s so horny. My intentions that night was to fuck. But the whole seeing my bro thing fucked me up. Like my mind wasn’t there. I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t fuck knowing what I saw. And he was really horny too. I recall him kissing my neck down to my breast and me feeling sad. Like I felt like crying. I even shed a tear but wiped it away. I was just looking at him rubbing his chin, and asking him if he missed me he’s like he does. But I ended that night. Told him I had to go, it was getting late he’s like what, come on Im super H’d. My whole Mode just changed man. Like I felt like crying, felt so bad and sad. Just wanted to be held nothing more. I realized it he can’t love me and that hurts. He can’t love me how I want him to love me. Made me even cry harder that night. So I left it as that. Messaged him later that night when I got home saying I was sorry & that shit just caught me off guard. Didn’t mean it. He’s like he understands. Texted him Friday morning also and then he said he could see me later on after work. I said that was cool, yah cause it’s Friday why not. So I ended up agreeing for 8:30 ish. My friend was buggin so I invited her over and went to the mall together to do a little outfit  shopping for Marisa’s bday. So... times getting closer and he’s not hitting me up. I message him at 9 and ask busy? He’s like yah i say it’s okkk. I leave it as that. From Friday to next week Thursday I never hear from him.  Whole week last week I was like when’s he gonna text me. Check for me? Send me snap? Nothing. Anyways I literally left it as it is, & see a text from him Thursday afternoon asking what’s up. I reply back and so we make plans to link again. He asks about my mtl plans and that’s a flop. Says he’s still going so I’m like lol have fun, he’s like why don’t you come. Awww he’s such a lair I love it. Like tell me to come with you and you gonna hurt my feelings. That’s what niggahs do.

November 22nd cont. He texted me Thursday we talk about the basic shit and kinda make plans to link up but the doesn’t happen. Friday night we say let’s met after work, okay bomb so it’s planned. I get home and have to deal with my older bro getting him a rental under my name. Smh so I’m running back and forth in traffic in the city with him. Let mo’de kno what’s going on. Text him he’s like it’s cool, after works still a go. I get back to the house around 8pm perfect timing. Tell Hoyo I’m about to step out for a bit then bam. He hits me with “his friend got into an accident this is his second accident in two weeks” damn I said. Alright.

Next morning he asked what I was up to I was busy dealing with family wedding planning that weekend so I wasn’t really checking for him like that. I send a text asking if he could visit me and he’s like yah around after the wedding and he’s like yah that’s okay. I’m at the wedding waiting for a text back from him kinda, cause it was an early wedding dinner. By 9:30 I was out that place back home. Didn’t want to stay home but I tried to see what he was up too. No reply back I just left it as that. Texts me in the morning Saturday now asking what I went when I texted him. Convo continued, it was kinda dry. But never really cared. Just wanted dick at that point but also was on my period :(..

He still messages me Monday and we agree to see each other after work. The time comes to see him and I’m already ready at this point. I’m home I leave without telling anyone just out the house Start the car and wait to text him.

We met around his ends a plaza parking lot. I arrived at the plaza around 8:10 maybe waited till 8:40 for this guy. So I was just in the car playing music crying going through emotions while waiting for him.

He comes, I get in his car and we drive off to the back of the plaza... I’m on my period so nothing could even happen. But he parks the car and we talk. We didn’t talk about my bday or the Mtl trip, we didn’t talk about us and how we wanna go from here, we didn’t talk about texts and how we waste each other time. Instead we talk about stupid shit that won’t even matter. I just called him names that whole night. Made fun of him jokingly but seriously. But I did kiss him when I got into the car at first.  

Woah, my train of thoughts everywhere. Shit probably doesn’t even make sense but I’m tryna sum it up. So we talked for a bit then made out. Jumped into the back seat to make out further. Took my jacket off and had him kissing all over me. His soft ass kisses, shit got intense cause I felt his boner through my pants and pad. I had him screaming, moaning telling me he’s coming don’t stop. My jaw got fucking tired but it ended he came so much cum holy. But to end that night, he told me to text when I get home, I told him hit me up if you wanna go out, aka niggah I’m tryna go out..

So fast forward next day Tuesday I’m still calling him names via text. Convo doesn’t really go anywhere but I wanna see him again 😔😔 I just wanna cudddle it’s so cold outside :(

Wednesday I tell him I wanna cuddle then says come then said I’m wild for leaving in the cold. W/e I just want dick and to cuddle not a big deal.

Don’t have plans with him to see him but once my period ends I’m gonna fuck.

- Friday November 23rd. 

So i thought. 

Thursday evening around 7pm the convo was going. Mostly all Tuesday and Wednesday was kinda sex talk. But thursday night he messages me asking if i was home told him yah he's like lucky I'm like nah i wanna be cuddled up with you.... That was around 7pm.. 

i don't get a text back until 9am friday morning aka tonight.. He messages me like so come through.. Im like damn. its a little to late now, then he follows up with a confusing ass convo talking about how he always fucks up things.. Im like L o L have a good weekend talk to you monday.. He's like where you going? I'm like dead at this point because nothing he's saying makes sense and is confusing as fuck. So i sent a text around 6 or 7pm once again and get no reply now its 11:30 just ending off the night. 

Well i know what we are and know we won't be anything more. I don't want a relationship no matter how much my tummy feels for it. 

I can't deal with that that type of fucked up ness in my life. 

Either you with me or you aren't. 

[comicteaparty]

September 6th, 2018 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on September 6th, 2018, from 5PM - 7PM PDT.  The chat focused on MORBIDITY by Charu.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing MORBIDITY by Charu~! (https://tapas.io/series/MORBIDITY)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

Superjustinbros

Ello!

RebelVampire

good day, SJ

Superjustinbros

Good day to you as well

RebelVampire

lets see, i think not so much a full scene, but one of my favorite moments is when Yuuto asks Keagan why Keagan let him in if Keagan doesn't recognize him. and keagan just has the best expression while saying he wonders himself. it was such a great insert of comedy in that moment that i couldnt help but laugh. i also think it was kind of a great showcase for keagan's personality as well

Superjustinbros

https://tapas.io/episode/1111726 I dunno why but I got a bit of a chuckle out of this scene

With how... sudden the tone changed

RebelVampire

i do enjoy how confused keagan looks in this part. i like the sense of ominous with that broken piece on the plant though. it screams with beautiful foreshadowing i hope at least.

Superjustinbros

Yeah

RebelVampire

ive also been enjoying how the recent chapter has been going. mostly with how its framed in that we never really get to see who i assume is ryo really. its focused on keagan and i like that it makes ryo seem a tad more mysterious

saetje

My favorite scene is definitely near the end of the content where Ryo starts freaking out/getting corrupted. I think it’s at that point we’re getting a sort of taste for a mood shift that’s going to be happening

Superjustinbros

I couldn't think of a good way to mention that little... episode earlier

but it definitely seems strange(edited)

saetje

I also agree I like that ryo is only seen through Keegan’s eyes right now. Solely focusing on Keegan’s perspective leaves ryo on a pedestal currently. I have a feeling we’re going to learn more about ryo later, but it’s smart to start us off through Kaegan’s eyes

RebelVampire

i like how with the whole mood shift that ryo was super accurate in that he was spoiling the mood. i particularly loved when yuuto caught up to ryo cause at that point just the sheer imagery and what was going on made me feel that the situation was truly dangerous

mathtans

I made it. ^^ Rebel, I liked that same scene, where Yuuto then remarks on how it's good he's trustworthy or whatnot.

Superjustinbros

MATH

mathtans

I didn't even notice the planet, whoa.

Hi all!

Superjustinbros

The end of the chapter looks like the start of some kind of crazy creepypasta(edited)

mathtans

Yuuto's attitude in general is pretty fun in my mind (okay if I play games?) but it definitely took a turn with the reactions towards the end. I think he didn't do his research on Keagan.

RebelVampire

haha it does kind of have a creepypasta vibe. i can picture the reddit thread for r/nosleep now. XD

to be fair to yuuto its been like 16 years so ryo would be a poor source of keagan info and maybe keagan is an internet hermit who doesnt even have facebook

saetje

I think it’s an interesting thought that kaegan’s attachment to Ryo is a little selfish. It seems as though it’s literally tethering Ryo’s ghost from moving on and putting his spirit (and others?) in danger, as well as ruining kaegan’s own relationships and life. Kaegan does seem quite overly obsessed(edited)

mathtans

It's possible. I wonder if Ryo was paying more attention to Keagan for a long time (either of his own volition or not) and only recently got his brother involved... then Yuuto didn't realize how bad things were.

seatje: Agreed. I wonder if maybe he was partly responsible for Ryo's death.

saetje

Oh that’s an interesting thought, math!

RebelVampire

yeah tbh i adore how grey it is. cause you could make an argument equally as valid in saying its selfish for ryo to ask keagan to move on. and i love that cause its what makes the conflict complicated and complex. cause there isnt one right answer cause you just cant make ppl feel things you want to feel at the drop of a hat.

saetje

So true

mathtans

I can't think of another good reason why he'd obsess that much. Even if they were lovers (which is kind of implied), I figure there has to be more to it...?

Yup, humans are a complex mess.

RebelVampire

nah they werent lovers cause huge age diff. i think the summary says it was a one-sided crush.

Superjustinbros

Right they are, math

RebelVampire

so theres def something fishy going on here

mathtans

I'm actually kind of reminded of a serial I wrote on a similar topic, which occurred to me as I was reading too. It's a good theme to build on.

saetje

I’m a little confused by the timeline- was kaegan young and just had a crush on an older ryo or did they get to a point of being consenting lovers?

Oh! Rebel answered

mathtans

Rebel: Ahh, good point, missed that. Guess I jumped to conclusions given the circumstances of when we first heard the name.

RebelVampire

“Nine year old Keagan had a onesided crush on eightteen year old Ryo. Then, Ryo died. Nearly sixteen years later Ryo's little brother Yuuto comes into Keagan's life to tell him to "get over Ryo's death".”

just so everyone can be on the same page

Superjustinbros

Thanks, Rebel.

RebelVampire

i take the implication to be that ryo died when keagan was 9

saetje

Okay, there you go! Thank you

RebelVampire

which man, props to keagan for A+ memory. i barely remember anything from when i was 9 XD

mathtans

Could still have been somewhat responsible though, even if young.

I barely remember things from last week sometimes. O.o

Superjustinbros

I remember a lot of things from my childhood

just saying

I practically remember how all the rooms in my house looked when I was that age

saetje

I was just thinking that, ha. Sixteen years is a long time to hold onto something, especially from childhood in such a strong way. But I guess it was also such a traumatic event for him, which tends to stick more too

Superjustinbros

and how my schools looked at the time I attended.

RebelVampire

yeah i guess if were being fair id have remembered a traumatic death. but it implies super closeness i think that goes beyond a one-sided crush. so theres definitely more to see there

QUESTION 2. While it’s clear that Keagan and Ryo had past history, a lot is left to question. How do you believe Keagan and Ryo met, especially considering their age difference? Why do you think Keagan crushed so hard on Ryo despite the age difference between them? Do you think the attachment to Ryo was born purely out of affection, or do you think there’s more to Keagan’s past that explains the attachment? Do you think the way Ryo died has something to do with why Keagan can’t move forward? Or is it something in general perhaps about Keagan’s past history with Ryo? Lastly, why do you think Keagan remembers Ryo so well but seems completely clueless about Yuuto?

gives self A+ for beautiful segway

mathtans

Or segue, even.

saetje

Oh that’s true- how could he not know yuuto?

mathtans

Maybe Yuuto's a half-brother?

saetje

I have a thought that yuuto may be a trans man? So perhaps he transitioned and presented as a girl on the past?

Superjustinbros

I wonder, if Ryo didn't die, would Keagan find it more easy to move forward?

mathtans

Yuuto's also younger, so maybe Ryo left home at 16 or something and didn't talk about his family.

saetje

Just feels as though the artist is fairly good at drawing anatomy of all sexes, not shying away from lgbt content, and yuuto seems intentionally more slender and androgynous. But it’s just a passing thought/hunch , I could be wrong

mathtans

On the topic of how they met... maybe they met online first? Or through some sort of spiritual connection? That could also explain the difficulty in letting go.

saetje

Yeah it’s also possible he never met Yuuto?

Superjustinbros

What was technology like back when Keagan was younger

I wonder

mathtans

Saeje: Could be, I guess based on some of the Q&A stuff I just see him as a guy with his own style.

Superjustinbros

Cause when I was that age the internet was like, brand new

mathtans

That who never met Yuuto, Keagan or Ryo himself?

saetje

Ah, I tend to skim q&a stuff so it’s possible I missed some key character insights

RebelVampire

dont discount the trans theory. never impossible. and i assume theyre following our time line so internet was probably like it was 16 years ago.

i feel like keagan must of met yuuto tho

just cause yuuto showed up thinking keagan would obviously know him somehow

and if they never met there is no reason for yuuto to assume that

and in all honesty it seems most likely that keagan met ryo through yuuto

just cause yuuto and keagan seem closer in age maybe

mathtans

I guess I just assumed that the "would obviously know" part came from the fact that if you're obsessing over a guy for 15+ years, you'd look into his family. Come to think, maybe they met at the funeral and Keegan simply doesn't recall that.

Assuming that there was a funeral, and it's not a case of Ryo's body vanishing after being murdered by an evil demon that Keagan unleashed upon the world.

saetje

just found this on the 'q&a' section, but might not be canon:(edited)

mathtans

(Oh no, new channel, I can't do my trolling face...)

Superjustinbros

Dawwww!!!

saetje

so I'm probably wrong aaand! I guess they did know each other, but it's just likely Kaegan didn't recognize him right away. I mean his style did change quite a lot

mathtans

Right, I saw that, I guess I didn't immediately think it was an actual photo as much as an artist rendering.

RebelVampire

ah yeah i was just gonna point that image out from the Q&A!

mathtans

Yuuto dyes the hair now.

Superjustinbros

well people do change a lot when they age

mathtans

I wonder if he went into the practice in part because of whatever happened to Ryo.

Maybe it used to be Ryo's thing.

Now gotta pick up the slack in the family.

RebelVampire

yeah to be fair if yuuto and keagan lost contact, of course he probably doesnt recognize yuuto after 16 years old.

Superjustinbros

Exactly

saetje

yeah

RebelVampire

and yuuto is silly in retrospect to expect that. but hard to say what the nature of the relationship was

maybe keagan and yuuto were bestest friends, yuuto introduced keagan to ryo, and then keagan was like "who are you im busy crushing on this cool older fellow"

saetje

It's not improbable they (kaegan and yuuto) were friends first, and Kaegan just crushed real bad on the older brother, which would also make sense why it was so one-sided but they would also be hanging out (as he was probably hanging out with/chaperoning his little brother, and consequently his little brother's friends as well)(edited)

mathtans

Maybe it's something a bit more supernatural. Like, Keagan tried some sort of "forget" spell on Ryo but it backfired so much that he forgot Yuuto instead.

RebelVampire

thatd be tragic, tho would be more likely itd be yuuto doing the spell casting.

albeit to this notion of keagan and yuuto being friends, we dont really see yuuto in the flashbacks so far so its also possible something else was going on. like ryo was keagan's tutor or something

im gonna go out on a limb and suspect that keagan did not have a happy home life

and thus the attachment to ryo cause ryo was an adult who was showing him kindness

mathtans

That's a very good thought.

Interesting how in the bit of flashback we've seen, Ryo is trying to get Keagan to skate on his own, metaphor for life?

Superjustinbros

Oh yea

That would traumatize someone, seeing an adult that they once loved died

RebelVampire

oh ya know what, i wasnt even reading that scene metaphorically. good catch, math~!

metaphorically i certainly is very telling of what keagan is feeling

mathtans

Seems like even back then, before Ryo died, Keagan had issues. Tied in with your unhappy home life thing.

Superjustinbros

^

RebelVampire

but im just taking a stab in the dark tbf. i just feel like theres gotta be more than one-sided crush. and that ryo's death is tied up in personal demons

albeit you could be right that keagan somehow caused ryo's death

mathtans

Keagan introduced the cat, not knowing about the deadly cat allergy.

RebelVampire

has it been stated how ryo died?

mathtans

If so, I missed it.

I just offer up my crazy theories.

RebelVampire

i dont recall either so how ryo died could have a lot to do with things even if keagan didnt cause it

QUESTION 3. The entire plot of the comic is essentially based around one question: will Keagan be able to move on from Ryo? What do you think is holding Keagan back exactly? Is it fear of the future without Ryo, true love, or some sort of inner demon? Do you think Keagan is sincere when he says he has tried to move on, or do you suspect self-sabotage? Even if Keagan gets over Ryo, do you think Ryo will successfully be able to move on? How do you even think Keagan might get over Ryo? Also, what do you think Yuuto and/or Suzy’s role if any might be in helping him move forward? Finally, do you have any theories in general for future events of the comic?

mathtans

I feel like it's one of those things where after you move on, you're worried you'll forget details... which is true enough. But Keagan's got himself so tied up in it that he might forget things about himself. I don't know that it's anything external.

RebelVampire

oh ya know what, i never thought of it from that perspective. that he doesnt want to move on cause hes afraid of all the memories vanishing in the breeze

mathtans

Also, I think Keagan might have tried to move on in the past, but after it didn't work a couple times he just goes through the motions now to appease others around him.

Not just memories of Ryo, but memories of how happy he was back then. Maybe the happiest he'd ever been?

Superjustinbros

Perhaps

Then again it can be hard to move on form something

and even if you do, memories of what happened can still haunt you(edited)

RebelVampire

tbf this makes me reconsider that maybe keagan's attachment is not bred from a bad past, but a lackluster present.

Superjustinbros

That could be the case

RebelVampire

in that maybe keagan has continually had life issues that have made him cling to that happiness

like what does keagan do for a living even O_O maybe he missed out on dat dream job

mathtans

Could be a bit of both.

Maybe he's an insurance salesman.

"Please buy this life insurance... I have this whole story about how sad people will be if you die..."

RebelVampire

spirit insurance. if only yuuto had come to him sooner, yuuto couldve gotten ryo's spirit state ensured. yuuto is gonna miss out on that sweat afterlife policy money now

in regards to keagan's sincerity in trying to move on, i actually think it was subconscious self-sabotage. so in that he was doing everything he was told mentally and physically, but there was that small tiny part of his brain continually whispering how nothing would ever be right again without ryo

mathtans

Which reminds me, I wonder where Yuuto had to go to get the stone.

There probably was some self-sabotage, or at least Ryo seemed keen on calling him on that.

Maybe Yuuto was guided to find the stone by Ryo...? Wait, no, because Ryo didn't even think it would work. We're not sure what any of their day jobs are, are we?

RebelVampire

well yuuto said he was a spirit medium. albeit doesnt mean thats a career technically speaking. idk if being a spirit medium can pay these days without people staring and accusing you of being a fraud. or ya know if you get a reality tv show.

cleary the entire comic is just a tv show hoax so yuuto can become the most prolific spirit medium on tv

mathtans

A spirit medium's rare.

He seems to know what he's doing though. I wonder if Ryo sought him out for that reason, or if it's just a freebie for the family.

Superjustinbros

Now that'd be quite a twist

RebelVampire

that or ryo just had nowhere to go. i mean its like theres much to do as a ghost i imagine

cause you cant touch things or anything

or talk to anyone

you just float around and look at stuff

but considering the cover to chapter 1, i will say that its not just keagan holding ryo back. cause ryo is clearly chained to both yuuto and keagan and i dont think yuuto has quite moved on himself.

mathtans

Oh, that's an interesting point with the visual. Does the chaining work both ways, I wonder, or is it a matter of Yuuto's moved on but is still linked to Ryo out of necessity?

Ghost karaoke might be pretty neat.

Superjustinbros

Poor Ryo :<

For real tho ghost karaoke sounds metal as heck(edited)

mathtans

As far as the future of the comic goes, I figure we'll see the results of a spirit being darkened somehow, either directly or in the history books or something.

RebelVampire

oooooh

did not consider that but i hope thats the case

that we actually get to see a vengeful spirit not ryo

cause i feel like keagan is the type who goes by the mantra seeing is believing

in the sense that yuuto will tell him, keagan will be like "suuuure"

and then vengeful spirit will be seen and keagan will be like "RYO NOOOOOO"

mathtans

"You see this building?" "No." "That's because a ghost KNOCKED IT DOWN." "Ahhhh!" ^.^

Do you think Ryo can see other spirits? Like, would have an idea of what's happening to himself? Or is it not obvious internally?

RebelVampire

idk about seeing other spirits but maybe? i do think ryo has some idea about whats happening to him tho. cause i get the impression that its not so much the spirit ceases to be themselves as it is that they become engulfed in their own emotional vengence and can think of nothing else

mathtans

Ryo: "Look, the ghost of Christmas Future."

RebelVampire

but dont quote me on that, cause theres a lot to be learned about spirits

mathtans

Ooh, emotional vengence is an interesting one... do you think Ryo might hurt Keagan? (And that Keagan would just totally take it?)

RebelVampire

QUESTION 4. Events in the comic come about solely because of the actions of the mysterious Yuuto. Do you believe Yuuto’s motivations are purely to protect his brother’s spirit, or do you think he might be up to something else? How do you think Yuuto wound up becoming a spirit medium? Was it family tradition, a career choice for Yuuto to connect with spirits (and his brother by extension), or was it happenstance? Considering it’s been 16 years, why do you think Yuuto waited so long to come to Keagan? Did Ryo’s spirit only come to Yuuto’s attention recently, or did Yuuto feel no need to take action until Ryo was becoming a vengeful spirit? Additionally, why do you think Ryo has been stable as a spirit over all those years and is only now coming undone? What consequences would there be if Ryo became a vengeful spirit at the end?

RebelVampire

if ryo became of vengful spirit then yes

cause the vengful part implies vengence

and clearly the vengence is gonna be aimed at the ppl not letting you move on

Superjustinbros

Well it's part of the name

mathtans

Could just be aimed at humans in general. Or for that matter, at spirit mediums, maybe that's part of the reason Yuuto's motivated. Doesn't want ghosts messing up his profession.

RebelVampire

could be. it actually would also depend how mindful of vengful spirit is. cause if theyre driven by pure emotion than they might not be consciously able to target their hurt and just lash out at anyone

mathtans

Also, maybe Ryo hasn't been stable as a spirit over all those years? Maybe he was more etherial, and it's only in the last year or so that he's been able to manifest himself to Yuuto.

RebelVampire

that could be

Superjustinbros

Seems like that could be the case, @mathtans

He's never been stable cause he's had someone latching onto him for years

even in death

He can never escape affection

RebelVampire

or ya know, we have no idea how long yuuto has been a medium

maybe yuuto has literally been a medium for all of 2 weeks

and just happens to be smug about it XD

mathtans

He graduated from being a small last year.

Maybe he's not even the most powerful medium in town, just the one most connected? Keagan might seek out others for more information.

I wonder if Ryo can possess people, now that he's levelling up.

saetje

That would be scary

I’m interested to know how like a corrupted ghost like ryo could/will harm those around them

mathtans

Oh! Maybe Keagan is just a prognosticator, because Ryo is going to possess Suzy, and that's why he used the name at the start.

"I have foreseen this."

Superjustinbros

Guess this is gonig further into the idea that this story's gonna get a lot more creepier

mathtans

I think it can still be lighthearted though. In fact, that makes some of the other moments (a la Release Me) all the more eye opening.

Superjustinbros

Yea

good point

RebelVampire

possession would certainly be quite dangerous. though idk how that fulfills vengence. unless the plan is to possess keagan, spend all keagan's money, and then roll out

Superjustinbros

Christ

that's cold

mathtans

"I spent it all on potato chips."

Superjustinbros

I would totally do that

RebelVampire

if im going to assume yuuto is actually also chaining ryo to the mortal plane, i actually want to assume ryo has been around for a while and yuuto himself just didnt want to do anything about it. and was like "nah its fine well get you to move on soon bro lets spend time together." and only now when ryo is going crazy is yuuto like "oops"

but this begs a question suddenly

how the heck did they even know its keagan's fault?

like is there magic ghost senses going on here?

are they just visiting everyone who knew ryo and accusing them?

Superjustinbros

All this time I was thinking "who is this ghost boy just chilling around everyone" until I noticed it's Ryo

mathtans

I suppose I just figured that Ryo would know who was tying him down/thinking of him.

Given the need to have the stone, I don't think they'd be walking around semi-randomly.

I'm also not convinced that Yuuto is tying him down. Maybe he's just acting as an anchor, like, to keep you from getting pulled way over there to the dark places, hold onto a piece of me.

Superjustinbros

I can see that

mathtans

Though it could have morphed into something else over all this time.

Maybe even something neither of them see.

What with both of them wearing glasses.

Superjustinbros

Lol

mathtans

Actually, any comments on art style? I'm very bad for really noticing that stuff. Nice shading though?

Superjustinbros

It's got some good shading, I'll say.

Backgrounds aren't super detailed but that's alright since they're not the focus

https://tapas.io/episode/1089748 Though some of the more trippy ones like these are cool

mathtans

Spirit craziness.

Superjustinbros

Playing with spirits is some really trippy stuff

"What kind of drugs are you taking"

mathtans

That androgynous look that sae brought up is a good point too; I can see it, but Yuuto still comes across as male (and in the genderbend art for q&a as female).

RebelVampire

visually i think the comic stands out most when the tone shifts to the creepy. cause thats when the effects really are A+ and just capture that nice unsettling feel

Superjustinbros

Exactly

saetje

I think the art is pretty good! Artist has a good eye for anatomy, I appreciate the character designs.

I agree the art style is neat when it gets creepy

Superjustinbros

Anatomy especially

Plus the creepy stuff is out of place that it can surprise the viewer when comparing it to the comic's normal art

saetje

Yeah, they vary their body types and really understand anatomy! Very solid character construction

Superjustinbros

Indeed

saetje

Ohh yeah good point Superjustinbros

It sort of gives this vibe of duality

Superjustinbros

Indeed

Like you got a normal world

and a creepy spiritual one

like dimensional rifts between two universes that don 't belong

saetje

Yeah!

mathtans

I liked seeing how some of the character designs shifted in the behind the scenes stuff.

As for my usual shipping thoughts.... hmmm... Suzy and Yuuto? He did feel bad for her. ^.-

saetje

He also seemed to check her out walking up the stairs

RebelVampire

i do hope suzy has a role in this because at the very least i hope she gets her underwear back XD

saetje

Ha! Also bras are expensive so, yeah, definitely.

mathtans

Oh, right! That little whistle.

Superjustinbros

Gotta go for that underwear! XD

saetje

She needs those back

Superjustinbros

Definitely

mathtans

It's interesting that Yuuto has an earring which is an inverted cross too, I think.

Superjustinbros

Well this is the last minute, so I'd like to say good luck to charuchii on continuing the comic.

mathtans

I'm all for more Suzy partly to see if she has some girl friends she talks to as well. Normal people.

Superjustinbros

It was fun chatting~

mathtans

It's a very interesting premise!

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Charu, as well, for making MORBIDITY. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Charu’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: https://tapas.io/series/MORBIDITY

Charu’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/charuchii

Comic Tea Party- Thursday Book Club

Next week’s Thursday Book Club will be about Gemini Journey by Tracy MacLauchlan & Yesenia Carrero. For participants, you have the next week to read as much of the comic as you would like~! We hope to see you on Thursday, September 13th, from 5PM to 7PM PDT for the chat in #thursday_bookclub!

Comic’s Main Site: http://geminijourney.com/

Comic’s LINE Webtoon Mirror: https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/gemini-journey/list?title_no=111693

[flawedinthefantasy]

so last night was my date with L. and it was...bittersweet, i guess.

in the morning i got my hair braided. i’m still struggling with insomnia so i only got a few hours of sleep the night before and was dozing off in the chair. afterwards, i wanted to take a quick nap before driving to the train station because i didn’t wanna drive when i was so sleepy. before going to sleep, he texted saying that he didn’t feel like going to a jazz club and we should just do dinner. i woke up like 20 mins before i wanted to set out and i was irritated because i’d already packed my bag and had my dress and heels and everything ready to go. i quickly chose a backup outfit and tried it on, which made me late for the train. i literally got there as it was leaving and i wasn’t happy. 

fast forward, i get to my hotel with about 45 minutes to spare and i still have to shower and put on makeup. i did all of that and honestly looked really great, i’m somewhat confident in my makeup skills now lol. i was about 10 mins late and had every intention of being a bit bitchy but as soon as i saw him, i could feel my whole face lighting up. he’s been working out and was noticeably buffer than he was in January. he’d just gotten a haircut and he looked so good. the shirt i was wearing is pink and white striped and he joked about me wearing pajamas. 

the restaurant was cool and dark, just how i like it. i got myself a drink and we sat at our table and started talking. we talked about work, he asked me about school and i mentioned having a few breakdowns since i’d seen him in january. he asked me about mental health and we talked about that a little bit. we ordered our food (really good Peruvian food btw) and he said that i only ate half of my food last time so i need to eat this time. i was touched that he remembered and laughed my ass off because little does he know that i eat like a fucking horse haha. 

anyway our convo flowed easily, he told me about work and we talked about where we were when Trump was elected, etc. all night, we kept making eye contact that was really charged. the chemistry was just insane. then the convo took a more serious turn. we were talking about how hard med school is (his older sister is a doctor) and he starts telling me about how tough it can be working on wall street. and how his friend from college is a father and husband now and he lives in the suburbs. he goes “my friend has someone calling him Daddy and it’s so crazy to me”, in this wistful voice. he then goes on to say that he wonders if that kind of life would be possible for him one day and that the way his life is right now, that can’t happen. and i was a little perplexed because as far as i knew, he didn’t even want those things. i asked him if he’d be happy living that kind of life and he said he would. that living in the city and making all of this money seems awesome but he works so hard all the time. that he’d worked from 6am to 2am on thursday and was back to work at 6am on friday. and i was like ????

i said that we didn’t have to get together and he said that he wanted to see me and that if he hadn’t, he would have cancelled. but he’s been going through a lot lately and he’s using this weekend for some R&R. he then tells me about how he and his older sister have no student debt because they both had full rides. and while his parents aren’t well off, his younger sister attends an ivy league school that only gives full rides to students whose parents make below a certain cutoff and his parents are just above that cutoff. so he pays his younger sister’s tuition!!! he told me the amount and my jaw dropped. i was like bullshit and he took his phone to show me. i told him, it was okay and i believed him because i honestly didn’t want to see that. he said that he’s in a position to help and he doesn’t want his sister to have to worry about student loans but that’s only possible because of his job. so that life of living in the suburbs with a wife and kid can’t happen because he’s providing for his family. i was like O_O.

then he goes on to say that for those who want to “get their name known” in the field, they have to work overseas. for him that would mean hong kong or singapore. i was like UHH WHAT? i asked when they would be happening and he said that if he didn’t push back, maybe 2-3 years; if he did push back, maybe 5-7. the alternative would be moving to a different investment bank. my head was reeling tbh. 

he also told me about how there’s no one on his trading floor who’s below 30 and married. how his boss is 45 dating a 27 year old and has no friends his own age. how one of the senior guys wakes up every morning at 5am and has no issue staying until 1am so sometimes he sees his wife and kids 2-3 times per week. then he says that it’s not fair to ask a spouse to accept that type of lifestyle. 

so as he’s saying all of this stuff, he’s making this really intense eye contact and watching all of my mannerisms. i have a really expressive face so it’s easy to see when i’m upset. it seemed that he was trying to explain why we can’t have a relationship. i remember him saying “there’s just not enough time”. as he was talking, i was just looking at him and in those moments, i felt so connected to him. like i could easily fall in love with him. part of me is actually in love with him but i’m just trying to ignore that. he was sharing parts of himself with me and it just didn’t feel like enough. i wanted to know everything. i could feel him restraining himself and he did seem quite sad. as the night wrapped up, he apologized multiple times for not taking me anywhere else. he said that it’d been such a long week, he’s using this weekend for some R&R and after our dinner, he was gonna go home and read a book and call his family. he then asks me for my opinion on mental health again and what i do when things aren’t going well. i asked him what was going on and he kinda shied away from answering. i told him that i journal and i’ve been in therapy on and off since college. i didn’t feel the least bit shy sharing that with him and he took it well. 

SO. the check comes and he says we should split it. and i was like WHAT. even though my food cost more than his and i had 2 drinks, i’ve never split the check with him. and i was kinda flabbergasted that he even asked. he has the money above and beyond so it’s not about that, it’s about him wanting to reinforce the fact that we’re platonic friends and nothing more. i didn’t put up much of a fight but i told him that i was irate with him. he seemed remorseful and said he’d take care of the tip but i said it didn’t matter. i didn’t like the fact that he split the check but i think he wanted that reminder for himself that we’re just platonic. obviously, i was really not pleased with that. like..at all. 

we walked back outside in silence and before parting ways, he looked at me and repeated that it was really great to see me and he apologized again for being in a bad headspace. he almost whispered that he might go up to boston today to see his sister so idk if it’s her having the breakdown or what. as he was talking, he was so close to me and i wanted so badly to kiss him and wrap my arms around him. i wanted to tell him not to leave and just be with me. but i didn’t do anything of that. i told him that he could talk to me and he said he wasn’t comfortable with that but maybe one day. he gave me a hug and left. 

so. after talking to my best friend and thinking about it all last night and this morning/afternoon, i believe that L does like me as much as i like him. but his life is just not set up to have a partner right now. before we got brunch in january, i thought he didn’t like me or wasn’t attracted to me and that’s why he wanted to be platonic friends. but that’s not the case. last night he told me repeatedly that he liked my outfit. when he was apologizing for not taking me anywhere else, he was telling me about nearby bars i could go to and i was like wtf boy i’m not going out alone. and he looked at me and said that he knew for certain that guys would be buying me drinks all night. he stared at me all night..i know when a man is attracted to me and i know that i looked good. i showed him pictures of my parents and he remembered the picture i’d showed him almost 3 YEARS AGO of them on their anniversary standing in front of our house. so i don’t think he doesn’t give a shit about me. i’m skeptical and suspicious of men but i do believe he was telling me the truth.

even still, it does hurt. i like this amazing, intelligent, sexy, generous, hardworking guy and he actually likes me back and we have chemistry but we can’t be together for very valid reasons. because he’s right. i’m the type of chick who needs constant communication and consistency. and he just can’t give me that. part of me is still holding out hope, i won’t lie about that. on my way back from the city, i was literally surrounded by couples. and i just thought why can’t i have that? why does it always have to be a struggle? why the fuck can’t i just have what i want for once? 

idk the answer to those questions. and i still have to tackle my exams so i can’t exactly devote a lot of time to thinking about this. idk if i’ll even see him again because what would be the point? it’d be like dangling delicious food over a person who can’t eat. i’ve never felt longing this way. 

[lifeofkarebear-blog]

Family day weekend - Pt. 1

THURSDAY - 1) I was so surprised when Zain messaged me to see if I was going to the random “cardiologist guided discussion”. I finally understood when people said that Zain is a sweet guy and he’s really cool because I totally agree.  2) At night after IPFC, Kelly was driving Kevin, Vincent and myself home. She’s also such a nice person, letting us eat first before going back to Toronto. It was actually fun talking to her. I really love how we’re all so open minded and chill.  FRIDAY -  1) It was my first time in a long time hanging out with Vasilis. He has changed a lot since back in the day and I would say for the better. It was actually fun hanging out because we just ate pizza, played games, and watched anime.  2) Afterwards, I went to the talk of “how hip hop helps with your career”. i was really looking forward to talking about my experience with hip hop. when the topic of intersections with hip hop came up, i got the opportunity to talk about my experience as a woman and queer person in hip hop. I’m really glad that I ended up talking about it because it was something that I wanted to be comfortable with for a long time. I’m happy everyone is supportive. 3) I met up with Harriet & Vanessa afterwards to head to Jess’ friend’s place to pre-drink before going to Yes yes ya’ll. it was cool that we met other queer chinese people, too bad they left early. Then we went to Yes yes ya’ll. Man the music was not our type at alllll. lol. that drum & base ting that i dont know how to dance to. i mean, i really could’ve danced to it, but i would’ve been breaking and that is just too excessive. But what I was really happy about was how when we left, I told Vanessa and Harriet that I wanted to talk to someone, they were like “WHAT OMG WE HAVE TO GO BACK”. Initially I was like hell no it’s ok let’s just go. But because they were so adamant about going back, I eventually caved in. It was sooo awkward because we were dancing close to the group, then Vanessa made the move to get involved with them too LOLL. this girl started dancing with Vanessa and she was like oh shit. Harriet gave her the go though and i think it was more entertaining then anything. I love how they have so much security and understanding with each other that they’re on the same page with these things. love themmmm. Then we eventually danced for such an awkwardly long time that I eventually went up to the girl and just said what I wanted to say. I told her that the reason why we were having this random dancing encounter was because my friends wanted me to talk to her. then i told her that I just thought that she was really pretty. luckily she was really nice about it and asked for my name and she gave me hers. Her name was Liz. then i dont remember what happened. did i just turn around and dip? LOL. i remember getting out of there asap after though. Im just glad that Vanessa and Harriet were so supportive of it.  SATURDAY 1) Started off with going to my sister’s place to get my laptop. It was nice of her to cook lunch and invite my dad and myself over as well. Then she let me stay there even when she was gone so i can have space to study (i just ended up watching anime lolll). It was interesting because she previously asked me if i would be interested in meeting a friend of hers and I kindly declined. and then that day Anna came in and I was like, that is probably her LOL.  2) Then I went shopping with Carol and we went to her house after. I have no idea why i’m still so shy with interacting with her family. After, we went to Priscilla’s birthday dinner. Man it was sooooo fun. It was fun catching up with the people we hung out with in high school and just making jokes and bringing up random things from the past. I like how we get to do this once a year  3) Even though it was kind of late, I really wanted to go to Vanessa’s gathering after. TBH I had no idea why. Did I have FOMO? or did I really want to see everyone? Interestingly enough, I think it was the latter half. I haven’t seen Tiffany in a long time so I was looking forward to that. I think that I enjoy spending time with Chloe and Sharon and just getting to know them more. And I think I really like hanging out with Vanessa and Harriet as well. I also liked chilling with Janet because she was a really self reflective mind. I really wanted to leave with Tiffany because I wanted to catch up with her. But, I really wanted to stay at the same time. I think at the end of the day, I’m glad I stayed because we got to talk about more personal things. It’s nice to get to know everyone a little more.  phew. that’s only been a few days. looking forward to the next.

[shwagginonyou]

Mon 30 Jan 17

Ahhh it’s getting later and later with these posts again lol. altho honestly i realized that i could TOTALLY sleep until 7:45 and still have time to eat breakfast and get out the door by 8:10 and get to school by 8:20 which is still earlier than i need to be there considering i never teach the first period anyway lol. makes me feel so guilty cuz jess leaves the house at like 8am everyday lol. 

another monday is overr. actually it was a really nice monday considering we didn’t have 3 out of the 4 myp music classes lol. they went on an italian trip, which honestly is so crazy to me because next week, they’re gonna be gone for 3 whole days and then it’s their semester break. like why aren’t our schools like this????? so yea, ms. lee didn’t even come in because i think she was sick, so mr. brightman came into myp2 class for the first period to make sure the students weren’t going crazy with just me in the room lol. 

also spending 2 periods everyday this week with pyp1a so i can have a decent relationship with them by the time thursday rolls around and dr. conte observes me handle these crazy 6 year olds. honestly, even in their own classroom, they have so much trouble following directions and staying quiet. it’s quite a miracle that i’ve been having them on the floor four 45 min trying to stay in a circle these past few weeks. definitely tried implementing a lot more activities in my lesson plans for this week so that they can move more and i don’t have to yell at them every 5 minutes for crashing into each other.

ummm what else is new... feeling pretty ready for this week actually haha since i kinda wanted to have all my lessons planned out by the time i meet with ms. ana tomorrow so she knows exactly what i’ll be doing for my lessons during dr. conte’s observations. now that i’m also taking over full lessons, it’s more of a motivation for me to make sure i know exactly what i’m doing in those 45 mins and to make it count because i only have each class once a week lul. these kids have so few actual academic classes in general, again with my question of why can’t i go to a school like this.... altho tbh their academics are prob not up to the standard of american public schools, given that they’re learning all their subjects in a non-native language

anyway, looking forward to successfully navigating through all my lessons this week, and then pretty much being done with school until after their semester break LOL. i still cannot get over how chill this school is.