#really fucking disillusioned right now

[blackbat05]

Barely a month into work:

You don’t have to read it if you want but I do welcome opinions. Beware. It is a long post.

So as some of my mutuals may know, I recently just started out as a social worker in the disability sector. To be more specific, I’m working at a 24/7 Residential Home. This means that even after my working hours the night shift nurses still take care of the residents staying there long term.

I was already aware of all this during the interview where the Head of Services - a very nice lady actually, was very forthcoming that disability services is very different from my experience that I gave in my resume (I’ve worked with youths and families previously).

Now that I think about it, I don’t think I particularly did well in the interview (the Head called it a “casual chat”) and at certain points in the conversation I found myself making things up on the spot based on common sense.

So it came as a surprise when barely less than a day later, as I’m lying on my bed, the call comes in to say they want to offer me the job.

Being the fresh graduate that I am and having applied for almost 15 different jobs (I know people have applied for way more) in different sectors (e.g. education, research, social services), I was eager to grab that chance before someone else took it and I have to go through the cycle of finding a suitable job.

For context, this is only one of the two jobs that offered me an interview and the only job to offer me work. The other job was not technically a full time job but it was an opportunity to do a stint as a teacher and study a postgraduate diploma in education.

But by the time the interview for the so called teacher job came back to me, I already accepted the offer as a social worker.

Now some people might say, “hey if you knew this social work job wasn’t cut out for you, you could just simply told them you found something better.”

That’s true. But take note that the teacher job requires me to go through an interview and actual test before they offer me a stint in a school. Plus I forgot to mention how back in March 2023 when I was trying to apply for jobs and didn’t get any responses back I felt absolutely miserable and was in an identity crisis regarding what I studied (for 7 years). So when one job offering me to become a social worker came along I felt that I finally succeeded.

Anyways.

To sum it up. 2.5 weeks in and I’m seeing a serious misalignment in my expectations and reality. Maybe that’s on me.

But what’s not on me is the lack of guidance that I’ve been receiving (or not). For instance-

I get that learning on the job is an actual thing. People can’t spoon feed me all the way. I’ve got to learn it as fast as I can and then execute it.

But how can I when I don’t even know the basics such as financial aids that caregivers applied for or what is the standard protocol in doing certain tasks?

And if I tell them that or I did ask the other social worker to teach me. I get the answer - “oh you will learn it organically.”

Sure I accepted that answer like for the first week but as the weeks went by, I feel like a fraud where I have to keep checking with people constantly. Isn’t it better if you teach me properly once and I don’t have to approach you continuously? Best part is that not that I’m trying to be sensitive but when I approach the social worker I feel like he’s hoping I just magically learn things on my own and his patience is running thin.

Ok so I told my mom this and she did have a point where like some people may not want to help you as much because they were also in this position where they were forced to learn. I get it. But don’t you think it’s basic decency to at least give me the basics before I go and find out other things myself? Right now like I’m hit with something that I don’t even have the answer too because like I said, I don’t know the standard protocol.

Don’t even get me started on other things because from being stressed out and thinking that it’s my fault, I’m starting to be angry with the way I’m treated. Like feel free to ask me why I think this way, but basically I felt that the organization was rushing to find a social worker to fill in the empty gaps.

And now I’m completely alone and I’m raging. I’m half a foot out of the door. I’m disappointed at my rashness but at the same time I know I can’t go back in time. What I do know is that I can take action and figure out what I actually want to do.

Really want to get past at least one month to get that pay I rightfully deserve despite being thrown into the deep sea without a fucking flotation device.

[undead-moth]

I know I've been on about this for a while now and I'm being a hater but you're telling me SydCarmy was "always meant to be platonic" even though there are two seasons of writing making use of tried-and-true explicitly romantic tropes, themes and writing signals, and SydLuca is going to be romantic because...he was nice to her on screen for a few minutes?

I don't even care if people ship SydLuca, or if they just prefer it, but you can't honestly tell me that you believe Carmy was always meant to be a friend but Luca is an obvious love interest.

Just because Syd and Carmy haven't kissed or confessed their love to each other doesn't mean that isn't very obviously the direction this show is going. The Bear has already shown you who is endgame. It has shown you every episode of the show so far.

Honestly I really don't think The Bear fanbase understands this show or cares about these characters or the story being told here, which is unfortunate because this show is shockingly well-written in comparison to most shows right now, and we should be so grateful for it but all we're doing is complaining that the writers led us on by not making a ship canon fast enough. It's just. Sad.

[ultfreakme]

Another life

[snekdood]

Dude.. my ex boyfriend totally did get me into conspiracy theory shit, even if unintentionally (i think its intentional im sure he believed in that shit. Would not surprise me at all.) At the time i was already pretty isolated from anyone online who mightve countered any of my dumb spiritual or alien related beliefs because of some dumb shit i said online making most of the friends and followers i made online generally avoid me, depending on who it was. I was just a regular pagan and then he showed me this weird video with all this weird conspiracy theory symbolism in it. I looked it up later on and looked up the meaning of the symbolism and came across a whole bunch of stuff posing itself as Secret Information The US Govt Doesnt Want You To Know About, etc. And then i just fell deeper into the conspiracy theory pipeline, traded my paganism for new age beliefs, and goddamn dude. Like we both got suspended from school bc he had a dumb idea to dumb shit there and i spent my time in detention fucking. Trying to read "the emerald tablets" or whatever tf. Its all coming back to me rn.

[love-toxin]

would yandere Charles Xavier...baby trap his beloved?

OH......YEAH!!!! <3

(cws: DDDNE, fem!reader, crazy fucked up n-con, babytrapping, drunk sex, drugging, pregnancy talk, jealousy, dirty talk, super manipulative yandere charles)

I'm thinking Days of Future Past Charles again....the yearning. The loving glimpses of the life with you he let slip through his fingers. Every day that he's without you is painful, but when he finds you again, he's complete.

There's no way he can let that happen again. Ever. You belong to him. You're part of him. He's become so disillusioned by your reappearance in his life that he can't focus on anything but you. If you let him, all he would do is make love to you every day, kiss you, hold you in his arms, sweep your feet out from under you and carry you wherever you wanted to go. Even when you plead with him to stop taking the drugs, he's just so hooked on the feeling of being there for you that he wants his legs more than his powers. Plus, the sex is incredible when his mind isn't filled with thoughts and worries, and he can move around as freely as he wants. And part of it is perhaps willful ignorance--there's a quiet part of him that doesn't want to hear any negative thoughts in your head. He wants to live in the blissful delusion that you're just as obsessed with him as he is with you, that you want all the same things he does.

And one of those is, well...home. Charles is tired of the people he loves cycling in and out--he's sick of losing people and watching everything he cares about slip away slowly. He has a place to call home, but nothing to fill it with that's distinctly his. It's been a shelter for so long, for Raven, for the X Men, for his students, but he craves something more. Family.

But you can give him that. It would be a blessing, wouldn't it? On good days he watches the way you move, how your eyes light up with your laughter, the sun setting a glow over your skin. It's crude, but he can't help it; you would look so good pregnant. You'd get a cute waddle in your walk, a bump, and you'd have to rely on him so much more to help you when you're far along. He could put a ring on your finger and try for your first the very same night--nobody has to know you haven't had the wedding yet, and who would even care?

When you start having sex regularly, on the daily now that Charles has his muse back, it's obvious he's being risky. Coaxing you into letting him slip the rubber off, so sincere as he promises you he'll pull out...but each time he gets close, so close, that you have to keep your wits about you just to make sure you cry for him to slow down before he lets it get out of hand. The twitching and pulsing and throbbing inside you is so good, but you know Charles is acting strange about doing it unprotected. You gain a sense that he's hiding something but you want to trust your beloved, so you neglect to insist on using condoms again.

That's your own mistake. Charles tries to convince you to let him cum in you, at least once, but he gets more insistent around the time you should be ovulating. It's even harder for you to resist him at that time, but you manage to hold your ground--until he resorts to truly dirty tactics, and gets the two of you drunk while you've got the mansion all to yourselves. As usual, he's handsy right off the bat, kissing you while his belt buckle digs into your soft thigh. He just barely manages to guide you upstairs while he stumbles himself, laughing and cackling along with you as you lean on each other and teeter about the corridor like the drunken fools you are.

As it turns out, Charles is a pretty good actor. And as badly as he feels about it initially, mixing that powder into your drink really did make it easier for him to get his way--you're already fumbling with the buttons on his shirt, and when you trip and fall back against the floor as you stumble into his bedroom, all you can do is giggle dazedly with your eyes closed like you're floating on cloud nine. As he crawls on top of you to help you up (with no intention of actually doing so) he's deft in hiking up your skirt, and though in your drunken state you're conscious enough to tease about him not being as wasted as he seemed, your addled mind has no idea just how true that turns out to be.

When his buckle finally comes loose and he's slowly sliding it in, it's paradise. Your body is willing and your mind is void of common sense; you're barely staying awake as he takes you right there on the floor, skirt pooled around your hips as Charles mutters praises under his breath. "Right there, so tight--such a good mother, you'll make such a good mother, darling-" He can't stop, he might just be addicted to your drugged pussy from that moment on. It's foul, it's disgusting, it's wrong, but when he hitches his hips right up against yours and sucks in a deep breath, knowing you can't say no to what he's about to do, he feels more at peace than he has in years. His shoes squeak against the hardwood as he struggles to pin you down, your limbs twitching and flailing erroneously while he's working on making you a sweet little baby to take care of in the future. Charles eventually resorts to holding your head down with his palm, your cheek pressed to the floor that vibrates with the strength of his thrusts into your pliant body.

"You need this," he mutters under his breath, fighting the guilt settling in his chest at your growing whimpers for mercy. "Last time you ever fucking leave me, whore."

Mmh. Well, maybe he's a little drunk after all. The anger at your disappearance still simmers near the surface, and that betrayal isn't one so easily forgiven. You should be trained out of it so you never make that mistake again. Perhaps becoming a doting mom will fix that defect in you, just as he hopes it fixes the deranged, vile forces inside of him that would have him lure you into something as debased as this. With every plap of his hips growing sticky with your slick, Charles can sense those urges screaming out for him to make you his.

In a haze, he orders you to shut up, to stop that incessant whining and try to enjoy what he's giving you. When you try wiggling your hips away, feebly attempting to escape the pleasure growing harder to resist, he yanks you back on his length and bruises your tits in his rough hands as recompense. If he wasn't intent on impregnating you, he would flip you over and show you how mean he can really get--but he has a job to do first, and he won't let you out from under him until you can't walk without spilling his seed. Even if Erik never laid a hand on you during these long years apart, you still chose another man to scamper off with, and that will never happen again....not if you're all swollen with his baby.

"I-I'll swallow it, Ch-Charlie-" You slur, trailing off into mindless blabber as he bends your knees back to your chest. So cute. You think you can talk yourself out of it, but he's already there--already bursting at the seams with the promise of new life, already biting down on your neck like a hound as the heat overwhelms him and fills you with ropes of thick, virile cum. So potent your body already eases to welcome him in, and your walls tighten and clench when he pulls out, like you don't want to spill even a drop.

You're so fucking drunk, you can't even keep your head up. You look a right sloppy mess, laying there with your skirt pulled up and cum pooling underneath your hips, as if you're some used sex doll that's been kicked under the bed after serving your purpose. But Charles would never think of you that way, and he wants you to know that; Erik may have stolen you away and poisoned your mind against him, but he clearly abandoned you too once he'd taken everything he wanted from you. Yes, he may have taken advantage of you now in a sickening way, but it was for a good reason, wasn't it?

Yes, it was for all the right reasons. Charles has to tell himself that to stave off the guilt that follows, the tension in your shoulders when next he touches you and the fear of him that may never go away. Soon, you'll see that his efforts have borne fruit. And when you tear up and collapse in a panic at the result of the test in your hands, Charles, your Charlie, will be right there to soothe you with promises that everything will be alright.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Soulmates (Rorona Zoro x Fem!reader)

A/N: Hi :) -Val

Words: 2, 197

“I don't believe in that bullshit,” Zoro grunts and takes a sip of his sake bottle. 

Nami and Usopp nod in agreement. 

“Wait, I don’t get it,” Luffy says with a frown. “How does it work?” 

“The story says that we all have one person who completes us in every way,” they all look at Robin. “It’s like you’ve found the perfect piece of meat, Luffy,” she smiles at him knowing his language. 

Luffy’s eyes grow in awe understanding the meaning of soulmates. 

The kitchen stays silent as the rain outside drops hard. 

“But, do you eat that person?” Luffy asks again, making Chopper and Usopp laugh. 

“No, Captain,” Robin giggles. “This person helps, protects, loves, and takes care of you. The connection is mutual. They say you feel attracted to that person even if you don’t know who they are. It’s beyond being a nakama, friend, lover, or protector.” 

“And how can you find them?” Chopper asks. 

“Everyone has a birthmark and your soulmate has the same as you,” Robin continues. “The legend says that destiny would reunite you two at some point in life.” 

Chopper and Luffy gasp. 

“Yeah, that sounds lovely and magical, too bad it’s just a legend and it isn’t real!” Nami exclaims.  

“What?” Chopper, Luffy, and now Sanji squeak in shock. 

“Nami-swan!? You don’t believe in soulmates?” The blond looks at her half-offended half-disillusioned. 

Nami shrugs. “I’ve seen so many people get disappointed when they can't find their ‘soulmate’.” 

“Hang on! I don’t think I have the mark,” says Luffy looking at every part of his rubber body. 

“Oh! It’s on the back of your left ankle,” Chopper points. “I thought it was just a spot, but...” he hums “It looks like a banana, actually,” he giggles. 

“What!? Really?” Luffy raises his leg and stretches it to find his birthmark. He laughs excitedly. 

“What about you, Usopp?” Chopper looks at him. “Do you believe in soulmates?” 

“Uuuh!” Luffy exclaims. “Is that girl from your home island your soulmate?” 

“Usopp’s face flushed in embarrassment as he crossed his arms. “Who? Kaya? I-I don’tI mean–” he stutters.  

“She doesn’t have to be his soulmate to be with him,” Zoro adds, rolling his eyes. 

“She’s not my–” Usopp squeaks. “I mean, we aren’t–It was just a kiss, it doesn’t–” he keeps trying to explain nervously. 

“See? Usopp found his soulmate!” Robin points with a smile. 

“What!? You’re not listening. I’m telling you that she’s not!” 

“I personally and fiercely believe in soulmates,” Sanji interrupts while he rolls up the sleeves of his shirt on his left arm. He shows them his mark in the form of a knife. “I know they exist somewhere and,” he smirks, “they’re giving me another reason to keep living and keep looking for them,” he says proudly. 

Zoro scoffs and chuckles shaking his head. “Still bullshit, no matter how hard you try to decorate it, cook.” 

Sanji frowns and looks at him. “These are facts, no matter how you make it sound, Moosehead. Even you have one. I don’t know how it could be possible, though...” he murmurs the last thing. 

Zoro groans. “Nothing’s fucking written or is out there. Nobody tells me what to do or who I have to be with. You can be with whomever you want, whenever you want, it’s stupid to waste time searching for a silly birthmark that could be just a fucking spot or scar on your skin,” Everyone looks at the swordsman when his tone increases and his body tenses as he talks. His lousy posture on the chair changes to a straightened one, and the veins around his muscles pop. 

“Wow, I think we’ve stroked a nerve there, uh Zoro?” Nami says unsure. 

Her voice makes him clear his head. Zoro sighs and returns to his sake. “I just think it’s a stupid thing to believe...” he shrugs. 

Nami hums and nods. She then looks at you. “What about you, Y/N?” But she stops and frowns as you give a start. “You’ve been oddly quiet about this,” The redhead looks down to your right arm, which is strongly grabbed by your other hand. 

“Well,” you clear your throat as you leave alone your upper arm, realizing Nami’s worried sight. “I’m not sure if it’s real or not,” you try to sound chill but fail. 

Nami is the only one who reads you, although she doesn’t know why you’re acting like that, she helps you by changing the subject to distract the others. 

Your friend’s voices fade away as your mind clouds in many thoughts. Instinctively, you grab your right arm again. On your inner bicep, there is tinted skin since birth, your soulmate’s mark, which you found not so long since you joined the straw hats crew, it’s the same form of three bamboo sticks that Zoro has tattooed on his left pectoral. 

 ** 

It has always been hard for Zoro to connect with other people. He calls himself a loner, but situations in life make him change that. First was his friend Kuina; although she passed away, he learned a lot thanks to her. Like Loyalty, keeping promises and love.  

Then, Luffy jumped into his life and, in Luffy’s style, he shook Zoro’s mind with new lessons. As his crew got bigger, Zoro learned the real meaning of being a nakama. His trust grew with the straw hats (within his limits, of course). 

Finally, you came along the way, a person Zoro never thought he needed until he had you. It all happened so naturally for him, to follow every movement you made, to look for you, to search your voice and laughter, and to hold your smaller hand. 

If the others knew deep into his thoughts, they’d understand why he snapped at the idea of soulmates. He’s confident that his life is based on his strengths, decisions, and his guts. Magic or anything else didn’t do it. Him and only him. And maybe, that’s why he got distracted when Nami changed the subject so quickly and he hasn’t thought about it ever since. For now, he has more important things to care about… like you acting weird, avoiding and hiding from him and he doesn’t know why. 

He has learned to give you time sometimes, but he senses something different, and it has been five days since you two had a real conversation. “You’ve been avoiding me.” 

“You should be at the market,” you answer without looking at him. You don’t stop in your tracks either. “Lost again?” 

He scoffs rolling his eyes (yes, he got lost). “I’m worried,” he says in a serious tone. 

“You shouldn’t, I’ll help you.” 

“Hey,” he grabs your wrist and makes you turn to him. Your eyes fidget everywhere else but him. “What’s wrong?” 

“What?” 

“Don’t bullshit me,” he warns then, he sighs relaxing his features, then grabs your chin and makes you look at him. “Why don’t you want to talk?” 

You sigh stepping away from his hand. “It’s nothing,” you whisper. 

Zoro doesn’t think twice about grabbing your waist and pulling you to him in a big hug. You gasp at the sudden movement, but your body recognizes his warmth and strength, so you melt against him. You hide your face on his broad chest as you feel his lips on your hair. He hugs you for a while, humming and caressing your hips. 

“I thought, I was the one with the communication issues, don’t take my place now,” You can feel his stupid smirk as you scoff rolling your eyes. 

As always, his touch and voice relax your mind and body and the anxiety fades a little. You step back and raise your head to look at him. 

“There you are,” he smiles. He caresses your cheek as you prepare yourself to confess. 

You aren’t sure exactly why you are so afraid. It's not like Zoro’s gonna change, right? But the unknown terrifies you, that’s why you haven’t told him in all this time since you found out. And after that soulmate’s talk the other day, the anxiety kicks in instantly. 

“Th-the other night…uh- Y-you said that. I mean…ugh!” You grunt. “Is- is that what you… of soulmates?” You make a face. 

Zoro takes a moment to remember and then, he gets it. “Is that what’s all about? That legend? You believe in it, don’t you?” He frowns. 

Your heart sinks. “I- I know...” you want to talk about your birthmark, but he interrupts you with another big hug.  

“It’s okay, Doll,” he shrugs “I don’t care if you do.” 

You frown. “But Zoro I–” you try to talk against his chest. 

“I knew what I was getting into when we started dating.” 

“What?” You lean back.  

“Yeah,” he smirks looking down at you “I knew you were crazy since you joined the crew anyway,” he shrugs.  

“What!? Hey!” You punch his chest as he bursts into laughter. “You fucking idiot,” you said incapable to hide your smile. 

The goofy moment is gone when you both hear an explosion not so far from the Sunny. 

** 

When you open your eyes, you see Chopper’s office. You try to move, but there’s a sharp pain on your left shoulder that makes you whine. 

“Hey, stop. You’ll open the wound!” Zoro helps you to get more comfortable on the med bed and he gives you some water. 

“W-what happened?” You ask with a groan. 

“You did a stupid, reckless thing. That’s what happened,” he groans. 

“What?” 

“The Marines almost caught you,” he clenches his jaw. “If it weren’t for me, you’d be dead.” 

The memory flashes in your mind, you helped Nami and Robin fight against the Marines, but you got distracted for a second and then nothing. Zoro sits on a chair next to you, but then Chopper enters and climbs on your bed. 

“How are you feeling?” he asks, voice and face in serious doctor mode. 

“It hurt,” you smile at the adorable doctor. 

“I’ll give you stronger pain killers,” he moves naturally around his office and back to you, checking your wounds. “All right, you have to rest in bed, no excuses!” he warns you. “And I’ll help you clean your wounds, after that Zoro can do it.” 

Zoro nods. “Anything else, Doctor?” He smirks at him. 

“Hmmm…” Chopper thinks. “Ah! Yes! Why you didn’t tell us that you two are soulmates?” He asks innocently. 

“Uh?” Zoro frowns. You try to warn him with your eyes, but Chopper only frowns at you.  

“She has the same mark as you!” He exclaims happy, but then, he senses something odd and stutters looking between you and Zoro as he gets nervous. “Uh… maybe I’m wrong?” He laughs awkwardly. 

“It can happen to anybody, Chopper,” you continue with a tense smile. 

Both of you laugh, then somebody calls to Chopper and he runs away. 

“Well, I think I’m kinda hungry, Zoro,” you try to sound like nothing happened but you look at the swordsman. His body stays tense on the chair and his eyes are glued to somewhere in the room. “Zoro?” You wait for a while, getting worried. You grab his hand. “Zoro?” 

“Where?” He asks. 

“Uh?” 

His eyes return to you. “Where is it? Is it–Is it true?” 

You sigh as you carefully move the sheet that covers your body. Your upper body’s wrapped in just bandages and a thin top covering your breasts, but you turn a little and hiss when you raise your right arm enough to show him the three bamboo sticks. Zoro stands up and leans to softly grab your arm as his other hand traces the mark on his chest.  

He lets go and sits again. “That’s why you avoided me,” he says to himself. “The things I said… but you are… the mark...”  

“Are you broken?” You ask him, and he looks at you. Zoro notices your teary eyes and worried expression. 

It’s a lot to process for him. A minute ago, he was angry because he couldn’t protect you enough to prevent your wounds, now he has discovered that the bullshit he always listened to it’s real and in front of him… all this time. Out of nowhere, Zoro chuckles and shakes his head. 

“Oh, no...” you whine. “I did break you!” 

“I-fuck, now everyone’s gonna mock me,” he grunts looking at you. His cheeks flush as he raises a hand to clean a tear dropping out. “I’m sorry.” 

“Wh-why?” 

“For saying those things, now I understand I...” he sighs. “Well, now I get why I always wanted to be at your side,” he makes a face and you couldn’t help but chuckle. You’re still confused but relieved at the same time, you never expected that reaction, but it's better. 

“It wasn’t ‘cause I’m the most beautiful girl?” You tease. He laughs. 

“Yeah, that too,” he takes your hand and kisses it. 

“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner… I thought...” 

“No, it’s okay,” he nods. “It’s better this way, at least in my head I fell for ya’ ‘cause I wanted to.”  

You smile. “Me too. The tattoo was something extra.” 

He chuckles and leans to kiss you. 

Taglist.

@sosactrl @irethepotato

[eemamminy-art]

I was talking about this in a server but I wanted to put the thoughts here too

I think Zenos being the way he is stems so much from Emet-selch's beliefs that sundered people are lesser. Like it's the generational trauma that made Zenos that way in the sense of Solus' cruelty to Varis led to Varis' cruelty toward Zenos, but I also think that the loss of the ancient world and the contempt Emet-selch holds for humanity is also something he instilled in both Zenos and Varis. The notion that humanity is just inherently corrupt and evil, and that people will always resort to violence and harm toward one another because he's seen so many conflicts and nations that rose and fell over the millennia.

So in his kin, that sentiment is passed on. In Varis' case, he is aware of his grandfather being an ascian and is very much like, "I will be the exception to the rule, I will be the example of mankind standing above the ancients." Except, of course, Varis uses this mentality to justify some of the most horrific atrocities a person could commit, such as mass genocide through black rose, or killing his own family members in the civil war that followed Solus' death. Varis has this notion that he's an example of a "good" human, despite doing all of the terrible things that Emet-selch ascribes to humanity as a whole.

In Zenos' case, he was groomed to be a living weapon and has come out the other side of it with this bleak outlook. If humans are inherently cruel and evil and corrupt, why does anything matter? It made his baseline assume the worst in everyone, including himself, so his apathy is all-encompassing. There is no right or wrong, everyone kills everyone and it's all fucked up, so why bother trying to be "right"? What even are "right" and "wrong" anyway? It allows him to be someone who does horrific things, while searching for some kind of purpose or meaning. I wish we had gotten to see more of Fandaniel and Zenos interacting, because I think they are so similar in the sense of wanting for meaning and purpose but being so disillusioned with the world and with the cruelty of others that they themselves became cruel.

I think long before the "would you be happier had I a good reason?" speech and Alisaie's rebuttal to it, Zenos had this curious little seed embedded in him by his encounters with the warrior of light. It's not unlike how Lyse spends much of 4.0 both hating Fordola, and also being fiercely curious as to why she is the way she is and seeking to understand her. With Lyse though, she is guided by her strong sense of empathy and the notion that all of her people deserve their homeland returned to them regardless of their actions, while Zenos lacks empathy completely and up until now didn't really think about anyone, not even himself. But that curiosity is there, deep down, and I think it is a major driving force in keeping him going forward.

You could argue that Zenos' motivations are selfish: he does say himself that he is chasing the high of battle with a worthy opponent, and I think on some level that is true. But there is something deeper to it, something that really makes him question all he's known: "In that transcendent moment, what was it that I sought in you? And what was it that you sought in me?" He's seeking purpose, he's seeking the reason for what motivates people like the warrior of light to do good, and what "good" even is. It's so contrary to everything he's known, but it grabs hold of him until it becomes an obsession.

I think it's further elaborated on with some of Zero's story arc where she's learning about empathy, although her reasons for being that way are somewhat different from Zenos, I think they are similar on some level in that they can't really understand empathy or inherent goodness. She does eventually learn it, of course, and I'd like to think if given the chance to survive beyond the battle with the Endsinger, that Zenos could have gone on a similar journey too. That's what I envision anyway.

[nevertheless-moving]

unable to stop dwelling on the discworld trouser leg of time where, in the penultimate fight scene in Nightwatch, Carcer manages to kill teenage Sam Vimes.

Which means that the future that Duke Vimes came from can no longer exist, which means he can’t go home. Meanwhile you’ve got a bunch of history monks with stored up temporal energy, a prepared space outside of time, and the need to do some desperate damage control before the Auditors get involved. Death shows up, reality is unweaving, Sam is reading Carcer his discworld miranda rights because what else is he supposed to do.

and finally, with little other option, the monks de-age Sam so he fits the time period and send him back out into the fray.

(they didn't call it deageing of course. His memory is hazy, splintered during that terrible in between moment, They....took the time out of him? Sanded away the edges of his self for a terrible, workable fit? It...wasn't a good feeling.)

Just—damn. Sam Vimes having to live his whole crapsack life over again, but this time as his disillusioned-reillusioned, unwillingly-character-developed, noir-epic, Duke of Ankh, Commander Sir Samuel Vimes self. 

Younger (Older? He's never felt so Old, His steps so Childlike, reality twisting in his gut like one of Dibbler's pies) Sam Vimes walking around in a haze after the revolution. Desperate to go home, knowing he can’t. Wanting to drink. Knowing he can’t.

The whole precinct feels pity, he really took Keel’s death hard, hardly speaks except to do his job. Eventually he has to grit his teeth and start being present, because what else is there to do?

Resists the urge to drink until Colon takes the whole watch out to celebrate because -he’s going to be a father!

Come on Sammy, one drink won’t kill you— and after the first drink he’s cracking jokes and after the second hes smiling and after the third hes honestly the life of the party and sometime after that he’s crying about how he was going to be a father and my wife would be ashamed if she saw me drinking like this and— 

Oh shit, Did anyone else know he had a wife?? A PREGNANT wife??? What—aren’t you like 12—no you're 17 now aren't you but when did—

You guys n’ver met ’er—oh gods none if you ev’n know ‘er, is jus’ me...

What—when did you lose—

I lost her the same damn day I los’ ev’rythin else, whadya think...bleeding Carcer...the fuckin revolution...

So! That! Sam only vaguely remembers the night, but rumors travel faster than light on the disc, so by the next day the whole damn city knows about poor Sam brung low by the loss of his poor, tragic, pregnant wife, so young to be a widower, and the Seamstresses nod because they already knew, don’t ask them how, somethings you just have to know in that trade.

And his mother—I don’t know, sue me, I’m a time travel fiend but there’s something deeply intriguing about a man meeting his dead parent, who is somewhat younger than him, and stepping into the old relationship like a badly fitting thing that's supposed to fit well. She would know, right? How would she deal with her son’s impossible grief? Maybe she wouldn’t know—he spent most of the time out of the house, running with different street gangs, maybe he avoids her until she dies and lives with the guilt twice over. God, we don’t even know her name. There’s just so much narrative and emotional potential that I don’t even know where to start.

When he’s on duty, which is most time - it’s agonizing because at first he remembers cases, saves lives that would have been lost. But the more time passes, the hazier his memory because in the original timeline he was becoming an alcoholic. Fuck! A kid dies and he could have saved her if he hadn’t been such a drunk, if he had just remembered where the asshole lived, but it’s all a haze, and he wants to drown out his guilt, but that’s what caused this in the first place.

Good young Sammy, who spends his rare off-time in dusty libraries (and yes, the irony that he’s apparently Carrot now is not lost on him) reading gods-only-know.

It’s not like he can ask the wizards for help, cutthroat and vicious as they are now in the not-so-distant-past.

Good young Sam, who...talks to the Broken Drum’s pet Bouncer like he’s a real person and not a dumb rock? That’s a bit weird, but he’s a bit of a funny guy.

Good old Sam, who believed the testimony of the dwarf who said the humans were trying to rob him and let the dwarf go??

the PROBLEMS this man would cause, good grief. Can you imagine a moderately progressive middle aged man with some degree of begrudging diversity and equity training that he did, for all his sins, pay attention to, suddenly going back to like, 1990, going back just 30 years, and going...oh damn this is kind of fucked up, no man you can’t say that, holy shit.

Except Sam’s lived through even more rapidly shifting social moroes! There’s no seamstress guild, there’s no women allowed inside the university, there’s no black ribboner’s society. People hunted trolls for their teeth! But Sam can’t just unlearn everything, and he can’t shut up, and he has no real luck and anyway he would absolutely get himself (temporarily) fired.

FUCK. Sam has no idea what to do with that. None. Zero clue. Wanders around in a haze until that dwarf he saved from police brutality finds him and insists on repaying the debt. No, he insists, do you have any idea what debt means to a dwarf?

“Sort-of?” he replies hesitantly, and that honest admission of incomplete knowledge shows a hell of a lot more respect and understanding than any self proclaimed dwarf-expert ever did.

Gets a job as a surface man, hauling rocks into the city. It’s backbreaking work, but, in true Discworld fashion, it’s also one hell of a workout (again the irony of being Carrot is not lost him. he freezes for a minute while hauling a rock cart, when he remembers he's technically Lost Nobility too, in a strict sense, but someone curses at him in the street and he's comfortingly grounded)

And here is where this au slides into a SPECTACULAR romantic comedy, BEAR WITH ME. Because in his time on the Watch he’s already done noir, action adventure, war story, detective who dunnit, psychological horror, but guards guards only allowed him to be a romance protagonist in an extremely limited context.

Give me righteous, twenty-something-looking, can’t-say-he-doesn’t-have-style, young Sam Vimes, not an alcoholic,  being fed three square meals a day by his dwarven forced found family, hauling rocks. He is startled to find him bumping his head on a low hanging bar that he doesn’t think used to be there, eventually realizing that he’s an inch or two taller than he remembers. Huh. Guess all that bearhuggers really did stunt his growth.

Still doesn’t get what some of the looks from women he’s getting are about, sure, he’s dirty but so is everyone else. Fine, he took his shirt off, but it’s hot out, there’s far wrinklier than him hauling heavy loads, get a life. 

Happens to glance in the Ankh one day when it’s particularly slow and shiny and is startled to realize that he might be turning heads for a different reason. Oh. Right, not that he was ever a heartbreaker, but he did alright for himself... when he was a younger and his face hadn’t been broken so many times. Which...it isn't now.

Is mildly disturbed by the revelation.

Especially once things blow over at the precinct and what with high mortality rates, he ends up with getting hired again. The boys are delighted to have him back, nevermind that he’s an odd one, noone is ever quite in your corner like Vimsey, absence makes the heart fonder, no one else works that hard, and he’s not even competition for promotion. All around great guy, we should set him up with somebody and just, no.

It just keeps getting worse! He’s literate! He’s a feminist! He believes abuse victims! He’s got a tragic backstory! He’s unreasonably good in a fistfight! He’s kind to animals! Word gets around that there’s a good man on the watch and he’s just waiting for a good woman to come snap him up. The widower excuse doesn’t hold people off completely, and for some it’s its own sort-of appeal. 

Things REALLY become stressful after he rescues that carriage full of noblewoman.

What’s he supposed to do? Let them get robbed? Or worse? Chasing down and beating up 10 goons is as easy as beating up one, when they’re that stupid, getting separated like that, drunk and distracted, and he knows these streets better than anyone, really it’s nothing. And oh lord he’s Modest too.

I mean, they were genuinely greatful, as genuine as people like that are capable of being, the skill having grown rusty. And then there is something...magnetic about the man. An air of command.

So, soon enough you get Lady Marigold of Marigrave calling on Treckle Road for that gallant young officer who rescued them, she really needs to thank him. And Viscountess Elanor Thitzferal specifically requesting that he guard her at her next soiree. And Baroness Julieta van Shoeholten insisting that he come to her home while her husband’s away, for... manly protection.

Aaaah just zero sympathy from the guys. None. 'It’s become a competition, they’re just trying to see who can get me into bed first, it’s like I’m a piece of meat, you can’t send me sir, the Marquess greeted me in a nightee last time you made me go to—' and 'small gods Vimes are you even listening to yourself, shut the hell up'.

Simultaneous to this, (again this is several years into the timeline) swamp dragon accessories come into style. Which means abandoned swamp dragons scrounging on the street. Vimes takes one back to his apartment, blows his paycheck on dragon medicine, and eventually, heart in his chest, brings it to the Ramkin estate. The sunshine orphanage doesn’t even exist yet and he’s just standing outside the gates like an idiot, what is he thinking. Turns around, but her carriage is pulling up and—

well. they meet. it's cute. he's never felt so young. he's never felt so old, too old for her, too poor—

and certainly her thoughts linger too long on the awkward, kindly, handsome young commoner, but is it any wonder she doesn't quite connect it to the stern, dangerous, sexy young guard the ladies seem to be in some quiet, cuthroat competition over?

i have this gorgeous, absurd scene in my head in which Vimes is strong armed into standing guard at some high society soiree and one of the pushiest ladies insists he dance with here, or, if he prefers, if he's not confident about his skills, he can dance with her in-private at her home and he’s like [grinding teeth, looking for a way out, seeinf one] “I would be honored to dance with you.”

Steps right into some ultra-complex dance with multiple partner swaps (she never thought he'd pick this one, devilishly intimidating to one not strictly trained, and you barely spend anytime with your first partner).

But he does alright. Better than alright, for a common man, sometimes misstepping but his hands and feet always end up where they need to be. Raises several eyebrows part way into the song because he's throuwing in some slightly scandalous, no innovative, extra lifts and twirls that wouldn't become fashionable for another decade or two. Who even is that guy? Some out of towner? No, no he's in a guards uniform...how very strange.

Gets to Sybll and she's used to embarrassment during these dances, she tries to get out of them when she can... but can't always. Men awkwardly skipping the lifts, or worse, trying and failing. But him — oh it's him, the one who helped little Erold, and looked at her like—like—well like she was someone beautiful. And he's doing it again, and he's strong and there's a quiet moment where she's in the air, they lock eyes, and the rest of the room melts away.

And then the partners change again, the moment ended.

Just...living throught it all again. To the left, a dance he almost knows the steps to, throwing others off balance with erratic moves , honest mistakes, and delibrate stepping on toes. Improvising. Ruining. Improving. Getting far, far too much attention.

Hes almost excited when the first assassains start coming after him. It's like a hobby.

Everyone tells him he should get a hobby.

Interactions with young vetinari...I don't have the energy to write it all down, the slow circling in on each other, both burning with the need to fix the city, save it, their city.

needless to say he ends up fired again, life under real threat after offending some high lord.

Conveniently enough he has an employment opportunity- bodyguard to fucking Vetinari on his 'grand sneer.' The bastard knows vimes isn't what he seems, though sam is pretty sure that he doesnt know the exacts.

Vetinari hypothesis:(the ghost of keel? Keels son, with some hereditary curse? Or a larger spirit of justice possessing a string of unrelated souls? He knows things he shouldn't- mind reader? Fortune teller? Havelock once arranged for a wizard to bump into him on the street, the magical fool gave an odd double look and then muttered something about destiny looping in on itself giving him a headache. Destiny? Lost noble? And hes far too familiar with sybyl, one of the few bearable noblewomen in this city. And his thoughts on guilds, when havelock can trip him into speaking... Most of all, if hes reading him at all correctly (for all the mystery hes not that hard to read, unless thats a very clever cover) then it seems that behind those dark haunted eyes is Respect. Loyalty. For vetinari. What an interesting man. A puzzling asset. An intriguing threat. )

Did I mention the timeline is changing, healing slowly around the place where it was torn? Healing enough around scars to perhaps get some flexibility back, with some painful stretches and...massaging of said scar tissue?

And hes heading to unresting uberwald, a place where a werewolf pack still hunts humans and, truely unrelated but perhaps equally exhausting, an eldritch spirit of vengeance just might be looking to stretch its legs in a hapless vessel?

Opening drabble Vimes Vetinari Meta (Unwell) Scene from the Uberwald Grand Sneer

[traegorn]

As a german aka someone who's country fucking didn't even have a democracy for a while, it really baffles me how so many americans just throw away their right to vote.

The democracy isn't democracying. :/

Because there are active campaigns trying to discourage people from voting, and have been for quite some time. This isn't new. I spent an extensive amount of time looking into why people don't vote like fifteen years ago, and I don't see any real difference now. (There's another paper that might be more applicable, but I never publicly published that one). In 2004, literally 20 years ago, I was working for New Voters Project as a canvasser arguing on the street with pseudo-leftists who tried to convince me that voting wasn't worth it.

It sucks so much.

And honestly? The American two party system is frustrating, and we need reforms like ranked choice voting, so it's easy to get disillusioned when the right wing is so very good at propaganda tactics.

Which is why it's so important that folks not fall for it.

[gazpachoandbooks]

Something I really need to see in the future is Lady Barbrey I Hate Starks Dustin be unwillingly and forcefully befriended by Arya I Could Literally Make Friends With Rocks Stark. Arya's like "you're ruthless and observant. Immaculate vibes. I want you as an advisor yesterday" and Barbrey's like "I've hated your fucking family for decades now so maybe no" and Arya's like "ooh I love personal vendettas. Do tell" and Barbrey goes "no I mean I hate you too" and Arya's like "yeah I do love myself a grudge. You go girl. Pass the sweetrolls" and Barbrey's like "we're in your room how did I get here" and Arya's like "we're having a sleepover. We're friends. Catch up. Milk, wine or ale?" And Barbrey is like what is happening right now

Next morning she gets a pamphlet to join something called the Disillusioned Grumps That Arya Decided To Adopt For Some Reason Society. She sees Sandor and Gendry waving at her from the other side of the hall. She's pretty sure she has a concussion

[masterqwertster]

I so agree, with your thoughts about Ashton!

It's odd, to me, that Ashton in particular has garnered so much hatred. If you look back on all of Taliesin's characters across every campaign, he's ultimately not that different in personality from the others, save maybe Caduceus. Percy, Molly, and Ashton are all people who have been deeply beaten down by the circumstances they were forced into, and they gained a rough exterior to protect themselves because of it.

They're snarky, and try to act aloof to keep people at an arm's length, but at their core, they still have bleeding hearts that love much more deeply than they probably wish they did. In other words, they are interesting, multilayered characters, that don't just have one note. It's strange then, that these same characteristics are so widely celebrated with Percy and Molly, but are treated as reasons to hate Ashton in the same breath.

Taliesin is a master at making characters that make you think, and I think Ashton deserves to be celebrated as such, just as much as the others!

To be honest, I can't speak much of previous PCs' reception since I only got into CR Tumblr around Bells Hells arriving in Yios, but I think the difference is framing.

Taliesin has stated that his through-line on his PCs is the characteristic Confidently Wrong.

I would guess that the reason Ashton is catching flak is because:

a) they've got shit Charisma and Taliesin plays that as Doesn't Know What to Say and/or Doesn't Know When to Shut Up. Which on a disillusioned/cynical punk is... abrasive to say the least. They tell their truths with little to no filter, or much thought at times about how true those things are for others. Meanwhile, Molly and Percy are charming in carny and nobility ways respectively, while Caduceus has a calm, homey charm. Ashton is semi-intentionally off-putting, and pretty constantly cranky to some degree from chronic pain.

and b) Recently, Ashton is Confidently Wrong about a subject any attentive watcher can tag as being wrong and has major consequences on the world if acted on. Like, yes, you don't want a heartless, powerful murderer to push the Doomsday Button. But your group of caring, weak(? not really anymore) chucklefuck friends pushing the button doesn't change its doomsday nature or really make it any better. Also, all your information on what the Doomsday Button does exactly is suspect. I don't think any of the other's Confidently Wrong subjects were so potentially devastating for more than themselves or their parties rather than the globe. It's easier to grant grace when you're fucking over less people.

Now do I wish Ashton would get a clue that releasing Predathos is bad, period? Absolutely. But I also have been watching him and when they get an idea in their head, he tends to stick to it until proven wrong (think the Spark mess. Fearne hesitated last second, Ashton didn't). And the idea in their head right now is: The gods need to leave, their thrones need to be destroyed.

I think part of Ashton's rage at the gods that fuels this idea is wanting someone to blame that isn't himself for his shit life, and finding the gods a good target for blame, as Taliesin has mentioned on 4-Sided Dive before. And I think part of it is that FCG did a lot of proclaiming to be on the anti-Ludinus/Predathos stuff to save his goddess, and then he died as part of their missions, and then Ashton was shown a video about how the gods absolutely will sacrifice their followers to save their own asses. Which is kind of the situation FCG died in, if you slant it a bit and act like FCG wasn't mainly choosing to save their friends in the moment rather than the gods long-term. So it probably feels better to Ashton to throw some of that anger about FCG making the sacrificial play that he's been trying so hard to prevent at the gods who FCG was trying to serve.

And I get that not everyone wants to do the analysis on why Ashton is picking the path he is. That they don't want to take time to acknowledge his lack of social graces and the bias of his views, and would rather just get to attacking the faulty, insensitive rhetoric Ashton's spouting at the moment. But like, there's reasons Ashton is the way they are, and it doesn't hurt to acknowledge them even as you hard disagree with what's being said or strived for.

[hollowed-theory-hall]

how do you see the dynamic between Sirius and Dumbledore? both want to protect Harry, but with different methods, and Dumbledore actually imprisoned Sirius in the 5th book... it seems to me that Sirius trusts him, but clearly not blindly, rather like Kingsley - trust, but think. and I also wonder how Sirius would have behaved in books 6-7 if Harry remembered the mirror fuck jkr for killing Sirius for the plot needs

This is a juicy topic, okay.

See, like, Sirius trusts Dumbledore, he has faith in him that he's the right man to defeat Voldemort and keep Harry safe. That's the big part here, because Sirius, post-Azkaban has really one goal, and that is to keep Harry as safe and alive as possible (also killing Peter, but it's a byproduct of the first one). And he thinks Dumbledore is the best for the job of keeping Harry safe from Voldemort. But he doesn't fully trust Dumbledore, and I don't think Sirius particularly likes Dumbledore.

Dumbledore, for his part, doesn't fully trust Sirius either, but I'll expand on that later.

We see Sirius' faith in Dumbledore's ability to protect in how willing he is to tell Dumbledore anything he thinks puts Harry in danger, even if Harry specifically didn't want to tell Dumbledore:

“I see,” said Dumbledore quietly. “I see. Now, has your scar hurt at any other time this year, excepting the time it woke you up over the summer?” “No, I — how did you know it woke me up over the summer?” said Harry, astonished. “You are not Sirius’s only correspondent,” said Dumbledore. “I have also been in contact with him ever since he left Hogwarts last year. It was I who suggested the mountainside cave as the safest place for him to stay.”

(GoF, 600)

Because keeping Harry safe is Sirius' priority.

At the same time, Sirius chafes a lot under Dumbledore's command. Sirius is not a person who likes being given orders. There was one person who Sirius was ever prepared to take ques from and it was James Potter. James, whom Sirius blames Dumbledore for the death of. Deep down, at least. Sirius is bitter over James and Lily's death because Dumbledore was supposed to protect them, that's what they all decided — and he failed.

So, Dumbledore dishing out orders in OotP gets Sirius really bitter towards him. Especially because Dumbledore forces him into essentially house arrest in a childhood home he thought (hoped)[] he'd never see again. So he's bitter over the past war, his current imprisonment, and probably the years in Azkaban when no one, including Dumbledore (supposedly), suspected he might've been innocent.

So, Sirius is in a state of being generally distrustful of Dumbledore and very bitter towards him and his actions as the leader if the Order, while sticking around becouse he believes Dumbledore's his best bet for keeping Harry safe. If Sirius could just take Harry and run, confident Voldemort won't come after them, and Harry would be happy that way, he would.

We're outright told how disillusioned with Dumbledore Sirius is:

“. . . I’ve been stuck inside for a month.” “How come?” asked Harry, frowning. “Because the Ministry of Magic’s still after me, and Voldemort will know all about me being an Animagus by now, Wormtail will have told him, so my big disguise is useless. There’s not much I can do for the Order of the Phoenix . . . or so Dumbledore feels.” There was something about the slightly flattened tone of voice in which Sirius uttered Dumbledore’s name that told Harry that Sirius was not very happy with the headmaster either. Harry felt a sudden upsurge of affection for his godfather.

(OotP, 83) - as an aside I love this conversation, Harry and Sirius arguing over which one of them had the worst summer. It's a vibe.

Sirius doubts Dumbledore's orders, referring to his logic as what he feels rather than thinks, implying the lack of reason in Sirius' opinion. Also, when Sirius talks about/to Dumbledore in Ootp, you hear in his voice how bitter and disillusioned he is, something Harry relates to during book 5.

Even back in Goblet of Fire, Sirius didn't fully trust Dumbledore, meaning this wasn't new with his imprisonment in Grimmauld Place especially his decision to hire Snape:

“I think they’ve both got a point,” said Sirius, looking thoughtfully at Ron and Hermione. “Ever since I found out Snape was teaching here, I’ve wondered why Dumbledore hired him. Snape’s always been fascinated by the Dark Arts, he was famous for it at school. Slimy, oily, greasy-haired kid, he was,” Sirius added

(GoF, 531)

Of course, Sirius has a specific vendetta against Snape, but it influences his opinion and trust in Dumbledore. He doesn't understand the logic, and he doesn't trust Dumbledore's judgment.

I think Sirius was never fully trusting of Dumbledore in the first war. Sirius is a lot like Harry in that, he just doesn't like authority and orders. He doesn't do well with that. I think he joined the Order mostly after James. I think, even in the first war, Sirius went on his own on occasion/disobeyed orders and it's part of why Dumbledore watches him as closely as he does and tries to control and limit Sirius. Dumbledore knows Sirius doesn't trust him or his orders, and the distrust is mutual. Dumbledore doesn't feel he can count on Sirius to follow his lead and his plans.

And we know Sirius doesn't.

We're shown repeatedly in conversation Sirius' bitterness towards Dumbledore:

“It’s not my fault you haven’t been told what the Order’s doing,” said Sirius calmly. “That’s your parents’ decision. Harry, on the other hand —” “It’s not down to you to decide what’s good for Harry!” said Mrs. Weasley sharply. Her normally kindly face looked dangerous. “You haven’t forgotten what Dumbledore said, I suppose?” “Which bit?” Sirius asked politely, but with an air as though readying himself for a fight. [...] “I don’t intend to tell him more than he needs to know, Molly,” said Sirius. “But as he was the one who saw Voldemort come back” (again, there was a collective shudder around the table at the name), “he has more right than most to —”

(OotP, 88)

There are two quotes above, the first relating to this post, the second less, but one I found interesting enough to include.

The second section is interesting because Sirius calls Voldemort by his name — Voldemort. No You-Know-Who bullshit. This strikes me as interesting since the only other two characters to do so consistently are Harry and Dumbledore. I like to think it's Sirius' bravery showing, but it's also his spite. He was stuck in Azkaban with Vodlemort's top death Eaters for 12 years, I think he would've found it funny to say Voldemort and all of them hissing: "You dare peak the Dark Lord's name!" and stuff like that. That's my headcanon for why Sirius says Voldemort's name.

The first section shows Sirius is bitter about his orders from Dumbledore, the fact that there are so many of them he can ask "Which bit?" He despises how Molly and Severus hold these orders over his head, treating him like a child when he very much isn't.

I think the Order of the Phoenix is an incredibly toxic environment for Sirius, not gonna lie.

It's mostly filled with people Sirius either doesn't like, doesn't trust, or both. Remus, while he is an old friend of Sirius, also treats Sirius with gloves in the way everyone else does. They are closer, they don't really have anyone else, but they don't trust each other like before the first war. James was who held their friendship together and you can feel the James filled hole. Remus is constantly trying to say what pleases everyone and ends up annoying everyone instead, including Sirius.

Basically, Sirius has no one in his corner among the adults and he feels useless and is treated like he's mentally unstable and made of glass. And while, yeah, his mental state isn't great, his state would've been better if the Order treated him like an adult.

There's a reason he seems most comfortable talking to the kids. He feels like he can talk to them as peers, they don't talk above him like he isn't there or treat him like he doesn't know himself.

“. . . He’s not a child!” said Sirius impatiently. “He’s not an adult either!” said Mrs. Weasley, the color rising in her cheeks. “He’s not James, Sirius!” “I’m perfectly clear who he is, thanks, Molly,” said Sirius coldly. “I’m not sure you are!” said Mrs. Weasley. “Sometimes, the way you talk about him, it’s as though you think you’ve got your best friend back!”

(OotP, 88)

Above Molly outright says to Sirius' face that he doesn't know who Harry is, but she's wrong.

“Personally,” said Lupin quietly, looking away from Sirius at last, as Mrs. Weasley turned quickly to him, hopeful that finally she was about to get an ally, “I think it better that Harry gets the facts — not all the facts, Molly, but the general picture — from us, rather than a garbled version from . . . others.” His expression was mild, but Harry felt sure that Lupin, at least, knew that some Extendable Ears had survived Mrs. Weasley’s purge.

(OotP, 89)

Remus says things he believes are true, but he's also trying so hard to walk the line between Molly and Sirius because he doesn't want to upset either of them.

Now, I mentioned above how Dumbledore doesn't really trust Sirius, how he keeps a close watch on him because he feels Sirius is a loose canon who wouldn't follow his orders and therefore couldn't be trusted. This is visible throughout GoF and OotP, and here are two quotes that show it:

“You are not Sirius’s only correspondent,” said Dumbledore. “I have also been in contact with him ever since he left Hogwarts last year. It was I who suggested the mountainside cave as the safest place for him to stay.”

(GoF, 600)

I already mentioned this quote above, but Dumbledore makes sure to be in correspondence with Sirius because he knows Harry would be. He knows Sirius and he knows Sirius would get involved in the coming war and Harry's life and he needs to keep control of his least controllable variable (besides Harry, but he thinks Harry is more controllable than he actually is).

“Meaning you’ve been known to act rashly, Sirius, which is why Dumbledore keeps reminding you to stay at home and —” “We’ll leave my instructions from Dumbledore out of this, if you please!” said Sirius loudly.

(OotP, 89)

And, of course, the orders in OotP that Sirius hated with all his being. Sirius could have gone out as a dog, he has, but no, Dumbledore forces him into house arrest and to cut contact with Harry in the first half of the summer. He instructs him to not tell Harry anything, and Sirius hates it. Sirius thinks he knows what's best for Harry better than Moly and Dumbledore (he kinda is right, I think he knows Harry's actual personality better than Dumbledore and Molly) and he hates being told what to do on anything, let alone something that's his responsibility, like being Harry's godfather.

It seems to me, like Sirius and Dumbledore never really liked each other, but where in the first war, they had James between them, in the second one they don't. I mean, Remus is there, and he's trying, I'm sure, but for both him and Sirius it's just not the same as James.

as I mentioned, all these instructions go to show Dumbledore is warry of Sirius since he can't fully predict what he'd do. Sirius is a dangerous soldier because he's capable, and he isn't a soldier at all when you get down to it — because he doesn't do orders.

As for the second part of your ask:

What if Sirius survived to books 6 & 7?

Well, let's imagine Sirius didn't fall into the vale, missed it by half an inch, and survived. That'll mean the fight in the ministry would've ended a little differently, maybe Voldemort passed Harry down at the Death Chamber since he didn't chase Bellatrix out of the ministry? Maybe Fudge wouldn't have seen Voldemort at all? Maybe Bellatrix was also sent back to Azkaban with Lucious Malfoy? Or if, as you mentioned, the fight didn't happen at all because Harry spoke to sirius on the mirror?

If we assume nothing changes in the battle outcome, we have a much more mentally sound Harry going into books 6 & 7. It means, he probably would've spent part of the summer at Grimmald Place with Sirius, who might've told him about Slughorn as a teacher before the year started. Once Harry gets suspicious of Draco, he'd writes to Sirius, who'll believe him and distrusts Snape, so, the book would go kinda of the same, except someone believes Harry.

(Maybe he'd actually give Harry advice on how to test food for love potions, I mean, someone has to)

Book 7 is the one that changes most drastically. I think they wouldn't have the same doubts about Grimmald Place if Sirius were alive. Sure, the Fidelius broke, but you can't tell me there aren't other defensive wards over it from years of use by the black family.

Also, throughout book 6, even if Dumbledore told Harry not to tell Sirius about their lessons, Harry would've pulled the mirror out every night and told him (which is why I don't think Dumbledore would've told him not to tell Sirius if he was alive). And when the Horcrux hunt came about in book 7, Sirius would've joined them and learned about Regulus (honestly, he would've made finding R.A.B. so much easier).

Also, if Sirius wasn't dead, Mundungus might've not stolen the locket and then it would've still been in Grimmauld Place and there was no need to infiltrate the ministry. Also, depending on which of Bellatrix's vaults she placed the cup in, they might've had an easier time there too. If it was, say, a Black family vault, maybe Sirius could've gotten access.

Regardless, having Sirius around would've made Harry, Ron, and Hermione feel better about the whole hunt even if it wasn't easier, although I think it would've been.

The other big difference, Sirius, too, would've opposed Harry killing himself. Trying desperately to find a different solution. I think Harry would've still sacrificed himself, Sirius being another life on the line he cares about to die for.

But, like, how much would change would heavily depend on the smaller details, especially in the battle at the DoM. So, you could write in however far or close to canon if you feel like writing the fic. If the battle doesn't happen, Voldemort might have the prophecy and the ministry would not know Voldemort is back into book 6, so everything changes.

I think the main reason she killed Sirius was for Harry's mental state and his feelings of loneliness. He wouldn't have been as brash or cheeky in books 6 & 7 if Sirius was alive. He also might've not gotten together with Ginny if he wasn't as only and desperate to project a connection on someone.

So, yeah.

[buckybabesonly]

Masterlist

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Bucky Barnes

❤ - Fluff | 🔥 - Smut/PWP | 💔 - Angst | 🖤 - Non-con | 🌟 - Personal favourite

Newest fics will appear at the top of this list

as long as we're together (does it matter where we go)? - You don’t want to be a burden to Bucky, knowing he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. 💔

Can An Old Man Do This? - Watching Twilight with Bucky leads to sex. Sounds about right.🔥

Take Me Back To The Night We Met - He promised you forever and a day. 💔

As If It Was Really That Easy - There's nothing more painful than wondering what your love could have been. 💔

Come Home - Bucky interrupts your date on Valentine’s Day, asking you to take him back. 💔 ❤

Nothing Breaks Like A Heart - You finally confess your feelings to Bucky, hoping he might like you back. He turns you down. 💔 ❤️ 🌟

Protector - When Steve gets injured on the field protecting you, Bucky lashes out at you from fear of seeing you in danger, and jealously of Steve’s arms around you. 💔 ❤ 🌟

Dirty Little Confession - You and Bucky start dating, and during your first time, he tells you exactly how he used to fantasize about you. Part 2 to Dirty Little Secret, can be read as a stand-alone. 🔥 🌟

Mockingbird - Bucky tells you he doesn’t need you, except he can’t live without you. 💔 ❤

I Wanna Be Yours - You are afraid to believe that someone like Bucky might actually love you back. 💔 ❤

Whatever It Takes - The Winter Soldier travels across the multiverse to find you, and wont take ‘no’ for an answer. 🖤

Dirty Little Secret - You believe Bucky doesn’t even remember your name, not knowing he moans it to himself at night. 🔥 🌟

I'll Let You Lick The Lollipop - You're bored, and Bucky won't play with you. 🔥

Heart of Glass - You hate it when Bucky is mad, but it's a thousand times worse when you're the one he's mad at. 💔 ❤ 🌟

P r e t t y B o y - I may seem nice, I may seem soft, but that's all a part of your imagination. Bucky fucks you in a public restroom like the dirty slut you are. 🔥

An Experiment in Jealousy - You decided to try and make Bucky jealous. Now, you would pay the price. 🔥

Disillusioned - Every time I tried to take a step closer, he took a step back. Falling in love with Bucky Barnes was easy, but the distance he kept between us was torture. 💔

[snekdood]

i think it would be beneficial for ppl to realize theres a difference between a dyed in the wool nazi and an idiot who fell down whichever rw pipeline, the latter of which we actually have more of a chance of saving from becoming a nazi in the first place

[stellocchia]

As much as I love the concept of Blue joining Nightmare's gang and getting some healing with them (and I really do, I'm writing the longest fic I've ever written about it) a concept I've been mulling over is that of Stretch joining them in a more canon-adjacent setting.

Like, okay, hear me out, Stretch is the one Papyrus who in most versions of the Multiverse story gets left behind willingly by Blue. Like, sure, there is Underverse where the dude just dies, and that one comic about Blue getting kidnapped by Error, but most of the time not much thought is put into Blue joining the Star Sanses. He just did. And, with the Star Sanses being a mostly positive force, I doubt it was in any way against his will.

He most likely wanted to help out because, well, he's an Underswap Sans, and the Star Sanses offered him a great opportunity for that. Canonically, Blue was always rather social, even in his original universe, but he still wasn't as accomplished as he might have wished. So more so than fame, glory was his other biggest incentive.

Anyway, ramblings about Blue aside, Stretch was left there in his world. Now he's suddenly forced to deal with the resets alone. My guy was already an apathetic nihilist with not that many friends when it all started, going through all of this alone is only gonna worsen that.

I don't think he'd ever admit that he resents his brother for leaving. His brother could never do anything wrong in his eyes. He would try to make him regret it though. Not consciously, of course, and it would start small. Things like: purposefully messing up their story by just not showing up in front of the human, or by letting himself be killed first right after the drop, or even by having the fight going on for an impossibly long time by having his first attack be nothing.

But as none of that seems to work (Blue is not coming back, he's busy saving universes and fighting bad guys) he would get desperate.

I imagine this is where his joining the Bad Sanses would come in. Here's how the sequence of events would play out:

He becomes disillusioned > Starts working on the machine in the basement again to pass the time > Gains access to the Multiverse > Finds out about the group his brother is fighting after going on a few adventures > Joins the group

His joining the group is definitely to spite his brother, but he'd never admit that out loud. It is also a monumentally idiotic idea because every moral he's ever had is strictly against everything that Nightmare gets up to. Unfortunately, by this point, he's sufficiently apathetic to be just morally flexible enough for this to work. After all, he can promise himself that he will not hurt any monsters and will instead just focus on fighting the Star Sanses. The guilt from just letting it happen is still eating at him, but he reasons that he has no other choice (of course he does. But the other choice was to let himself rot back at home in a hopeless timeline and, while it would have been a noble sacrifice, it is not one he's willing to make).

Nightmare on his side, sees the benefit of having a Papyrus on board. He's gonna keep Horror and Dust in line and loyal far more effectively than threats would. After all, he may not look entirely like their brothers, but he's still similar enough to work for emotional blackmail purposes.

It's not gonna go over as well with Killer who definitely tries to kill him at first. A bunch of times. And almost succeeds every time. But Stretch is not there for him, so Nightmare pays it little mind. Stretch is there to keep Killer's attachments from leaving or betraying them, and he's gonna get over it eventually. Possibly. (Killer is not so sure he will because fuck Nightmare and his new toy. He will stop the murder attempts though because everything in his body and soul is against defying a very direct order from the Boss).

Stretch doesn't like any of his teammates at first. He, rather hypocritically, sees them as true monsters for what they've done in their home AUs and for what they keep doing under Nightmare.

Needless to say, the atmosphere at the castle is tense for months with none of these fuckers talking any more than strictly necessary. Even on the battlefield, as they're facing off against the Star Sanses, all the bad guys are suspiciously quiet. Stretch doesn't even have the energy or clarity of mind to answer his brother's questions and pleas to go with him and put an end to the senseless violence. (He also doesn't want to answer because he's still upset and doesn't trust him. Though he will not admit that to himself. He's still in denial about that being the reason he joined Nightmare's gang. My guy is getting through life with the sheer power of denial and emotional repression and it's going horribly for him).

The tension comes to a head eventually when Killer makes a snide remark too many about Stretch's hypocrisy and Stretch punches him square in the face. It's not the most conventional bonding method, but it works for those two. He is still a hypocrite in Killer's mind, but at least he's not a coward and that's good enough for him. Everyone at that castle is hypocritical af anyway, he's not gonna judge. Well, he will, but no more than he judges Horror and Dust for their own little quirks.

From there, Stretch starts to learn a bit more about his teammates. They let him into their little circle of trust, and he learns how to help them take care of themselves. They learn what he needs too (probably some antidepressants) and help him as best as they can. And he notices, for the first time, that Nightmare is very much not in their little bubble. He's one of the threats to it. And, well, there's not much he can do about it at this point, but he vows to help them as much as he can. And he vows not to abandon them like he was. And there is still denial there about how hurt he was by his brother's abandonment and what a Hell it is to live in the castle, but that promise to himself is the first reason he's found to keep going that he's willing to admit to. And that's good enough for now

[coff-in]

Andrew Graves x Sister reader inspired by another ask:

Rather than the reader pushing and pushing Andrew mentally and then being hatefucked it’s the reverse. Andrew’s older twin sister who never saw him beyond her younger baby brother. Always treating him like a little kid and then shutting him and Ashley down as soon as she realized their true intentions. What happened with Nina completely disillusioned her + staying with them in the house 24/7 during the quarantine, their constant clinginess all those factors leading to her finally snapping and fucking Andrew while Ashley is sleeping right next to them on the couch and he can tell it’s not out of lust but pure fucking hate. He sheds a few tears even though he finally got what he wanted.

Ty for listening you’re the GOAT 🦧🦧🦧

notes from coff-in: thank you 🦧

[fem] reader-insert, older sister graves reader, nsfw, incest

i enjoy the trope/concept of "sibling who is normal or indifferent about siblings affection" x "incestuous sibling". anyway

[reader] being disillusioned by them killing nina is so neat cause it also enforces the idea that even though she knows that they are fucking awful, she still wants to be with them. she always there for them, out of love yeah, but also out of obligation? she's the oldest so she has to set the examples for them and then there's the added gender norms/expectations for her to be the emotional, sympathetic caretaker and it mixes up a beginner's recipe for attachment

andrew doesn't have the same hold on [reader] as he does with ashley mostly due to the fact that [reader] is older than him, so he can't exactly guide her into being the type of girl he wants. that doesn't mean he can't control her though. with subtle hints of her acting more like mom or dad, he can have her bending a bit more to his will. surely she wouldn't want to be like their parents would she? abusive, neglectful, hated by them both? that would be awful...

being trapped for three months with andrew and ashley has [reader] so pent up and anxious, like i can see her practically clawing her eyes out hoping to get away from them for more than five minutes. to be fair, i'm pretty sure while andrew's the most incestuously inclined sibling, he's also really flippy floppy with how obvious he shows it

i can imagine [reader] getting on his lap and whipping his cock out, riding him so aggressively, glaring down at him, "happy now? this is what you wanted, right? couldn't go long enough without getting your dick wet so you need to take care of you, huh? you better. fucking. enjoy it."

and andrew's crying a bit while gripping [reader]'s hips, face red and biting his lip to stay quiet because ashley's right there next to them. he hates that his big sis hates him but god does she feel so good right now. it's like a weird monkey's paw or a wish gone wrong, he can fuck his sister now but she fucking hates him (and hatefucks him, lol)

this is all before decay route too. suddenly jumping off of the balcony doesn't seem so bad now

----

coff-in