#realizing they straight up had Nothing and i wasnt gonna be a believer anymore

[stupot]

actually on the subject of finding out the tooth fairy isn't real, allow me to recount one of the funniest fucking things my parents did

i lost a baby tooth, put it under my pillow. woke up, felt around for the money and found instead of piece of paper with tooth fairy clipart and a fuckin "I.O.U." in pink Curlz MT font. i was absolutely devastated i went to my parents like "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? SHE DIDN'T GIVE ME MONEY?"

they ran out of cash and printed me out a tooth fairy IOU that is absolutely hysterical to me to this day

[coolgirl]

Hey what's Jason's relationship with nocturna? It's the first time I've heard of her😣 and nothing on her wikia mentioned anything about Jason. She seems interesting character and I would like to know more about her.

okay I went. A little insane. Here's a retelling of her pre crisis arc, long as hell  

(this part covers Batman #529 / Detective Comics #363 / Batman #530) ok for some context: it’s pre crisis, meaning this Jason was also a circus boy. He has recently lost his parents, and was taken by Bruce, but isn’t dealing with the loss well, finding himself missing his past life. PLUS Bruce isn’t allowing him to be his partner, and that has him sad as well. 

SO he wants to go back to the circus, since hes lonely and directionless etc.

NOW. ENTER NATALIA KNIGHT! Shes a villain, think.. Catwoman meets Poison Ivy? She’s a thief, but seduces men to do the stealing mostly. 

Her backstory is basically that she was an orphan living in the streets, and met who will then become his adoptive parent Charles Knight when she was 12. When she’s already an adult, Charles gets killed, and she finds out he had big money bags bc he was a criminal. and she said. awn man i like being rich. well. time to do crimes.

she’s rlly into the night and the stars (she was the head of the observatory, which Bruce was funding through his company or w/e)

anyways. she gets away, Jason helps bruce find her (but! bruce wouldnt le him help which rlly hurt jason), and as her and her partner anton are getting away (again) batman catches up to them, but only manages to bring anton to justice, while Nocturna escapes in like. one of those giant balloons idk whats the name

the issue ends with Nocturna/Natalia sending Bruce money for the maintenance of the observatory and with Jason deciding to leave

NOW onto the next part. So in this issue we have Jason escaping home, Bruce going to court against Natalia’s partner Anton, and Natalia just vibing around, and she happens to find Jason running away from home, and they have a conversation in which she tries to convince him to go back home.

but Jason. well.

So Bruce gets back home and Alfred tells him about Jason running away, and bruce, in real bruce fashion, is all like ughg i shouldve listened to him.. well lets go get him. and alfred is like. sir. do i have to remind u u arent his legal guardian yet. u have no right to decide where he stays.

so bruce is like ugh fine. i’ll go patrol then. which he does, and turns out Nocturna was trying to help Anton escape, and well it fails, and she gets captured too. 

and that’s that for Natalia… for now ;)

NOW. this isn’t relevant for Natalia & Jason but again some context. Covers um  covers fuck a bunch of issues. SO. what happens in this time

jason goes back to the circus but is deeply unhappy

he’s still doing detective work. hasnt seen bruce or alfred in a while

alfred visits

case stuff case stuff case stuff it was the clown all along

Jason ends up helping Bruce, since they were both working the same case separately, and they make up

NOW. a lot of shit happens not relevant to nocturna. Jason isnt robin for a while, then he uses Dicks costume, then bruce gets mad at him for that bc its not his costume, so jason uses his own costume, then dick gives him the robin costume, so jason becomes robin. um stuff stuff happens and all it matters is the panel below.

NOW! BACK TO NOCTURNA! 

her comeback arc kinda starts in batman #374, where this lady is like hold on.. bruce wayne isnt jasons legal guardian wtf, is he even fit to have a kid?

so she starts digging around, asking questions 

and shes like yea this is real fishy, give me that kid

so bruce and jason try to behave like uh yes no robin and batman business. let that kid be a kid.

but welp.

and so.. Jason is taken away :( and both of them are heartbroken :( 

but u know what! bruce wayne is one stubborn fucker! and he will fight to have the legal guardianship!

and even if they’re not living together anyomre they’re still the dynamic duo in a way, which like. lol. this lady took this kid away bc she was worried about him but he still ran away.. tch tch tch.

they’re both rlly depressed about the situation

AND THATS WHAT U MISSED ON GLEE!!

NOW. SHES BACK. look at this epic cover

shes now parterning w a dude named nightshade or smth, and he like. rlly wants to hit that, but shes like um pause ⏸️✋my love is the night. the dude, like every other man, is like so im not getting anything from this? fuck u, and leaves. shes like whatevers, ugh how annoying i dont have a partner again & anton is still in prison… &  while shes again chilling she finds out about Bruce trying to legally adopt jason & recognizes jason from the time they talked

& goes to visit him

and theres also this dude, whos not rlly relevant for now, will try to stop bruce from adopting jason which will be relevant later hehe (there's a whole subplot with him and bullock but like it's not rlly relevant to Jason n Natalia) (shrug emoji)

and so. Bruce finds out..

and so the cover becomes a reality, Bruce and Natalia WILL fight in a chuck n cheese parking lot to become Jason’s parent.. and Natalia may try to pull a reverse card on Bruce

and well. Bruce rlly has no chance now does he? and turns out Jason wants this to happen since hes convinced he can unreveal Natalia’s secrets from the inside

and a lil sweet moment between father & son

and then a moment with Amanda, who, in my opinion, did nothing wrong ever

meanwhile Anton comes back, tells Nocturna he killed the dude that was bothering her, and she gets PISSSSEDD OFF shes like u TARNISHED the night by SPILLING BLOOD, u absolute BEAST, Bruce gets there, some weird stuff happens that aged rlly poorly, then Nocturna stabs Anton to save Bruce, turns out she knows hes batman, again shes like marry me to have our son (Jason) and hes like no! and leaves. While Bruce tries to find Anton, Jason is like ive HAD IT i wanna go out, but Natalia stops him

then the next morning Amanda gets her head straight and talks to Jason

but well Jason is hellbent on exposing Natalia from the inside or w/e, and eventually she gets the custody, even if Amanda tries to convince him and the judge Bruce is a better choice (since she noticed Jason clearly favors him and was in pain when he wasnt at the wayne manor)

and everyone is coddling Bruce which im adding bc its cute and i miss this relationship Bruce had with Vicki and Julia 

MEANWHILE, at the knight house. mad hatter is a a weird creepy rat bastard n tries to get control of Natalia & get the information of her brain or smth. Batman gets there & we get a Batman vs Controlled nocturna fight and then Robin also arrives and its Batman & Robin vs Nocturna, but B tells Jason to focus on getting Mad Hatter, which he does and then gets Nocturna back to normal whatever, and she again asks Bruce to marry her, which hes again like no thank u! the issue ends with this page which is rlly sweet imo

next up Anton is back but it doesnt matter rlly. a woman is tending to him, n because shes blind hes like. im batman. yeah. and she believes it. 

AND then Jason is formally adopted by Natalia

Jason is still trying to find proof that shes evil, and they share a moment. 

but jason is like. gotta fight crime! and so Natalia is like well i tried. wanna go be robin a bit?

Batman & Robin go after mad hatter, and then Nocturna joins them bc shes epic

and takes jay home bc its a school night smh

Natalia & Jason spend some time together but Jason still doesn’t warm up to Natalia which like. makes sense since shes a villain and all that, but she tries nevertheless

and then everyones most hated bitch comes back (Yes, anton) n he attacks Natalia, and then Jason when he hears the ruckus and goes to help

but gets a chop

but! Bruce was just on his way to visit them so 

fight fight bruce gets shot in the head n gets amnesia and thinks the dude anton shot & killed was him

Anton swaps their costumes n makes Bruce believe that Anton is batman not him? or smth

afterwards Jason blames himself

and him & Natalia team up to find Bruce which includes.. carrying a corpse around

for three days (well. nights) anton just runs around stealing n shit dressed as batman, n bruce is. literally chilling on a rooftop. alfred is losing his mind bc !? jason hasnt contacted him!? about what happened!? but Julia comes home and comforts him

gotham is a lil in chaos with gordon vicki vale n bullock being suspicious, and the girl who was helping anton finds the stuff he stole and realizes hes not batman.

on the fourth night Jason n Natalia find Anton

n they fight him

but Anton gets the upper hand w Nocturna so Jason jumps in to defend her

and then Nocturna defends Jason bc thats his baby

but Anton doesnt get like. killed w that ofc, and hes like fuck u i’ll kill u one day but when the kid isnt here and after batman has fallen, bye (throws jason from building)

and Natalia reagroup n well.. some things are said

bc like even if Nocturna is helping shes a villain.. right? (thinking emoji)

meanwhile Bruce finally got his mind back. not important. who cares. the lady who was helping Anton goes to the police to tell them about Anton/fake batman dun dun dun. but Anton finds out and knocks out the policeman who went w the girl (Tina!) to check for proof n shit.

and guess whos back! amanda!

back to new dynamic duo

so Jason the little rascal (can i say hes a rascal when hes doing the hero thing n trying to expose a criminal?) goes looking for proof that Natalia is Nocturna n stuff, and finds some stolen things

1. singsonging.. hes such a little shit lmaoo, 2. she was worried… pause…

anyways. they have a confrontation 

in which Natalia swears shes reformed, but Jason doesnt buy it, and is like. im gonna get gordon! and Natalia is like.. do what u think is best

but. he can’t do it..

n hes like. well shes not bad anymore.. i wish i could go back to bruce without sending her to prison which… please development..  n natalia DOES want his love..

AND THEN! BRUCE IS BACK! and he teams up with Nocturna to find Anton, but its just their luck Amanda sees them

they do sm stuff not relevant and then Bruce is like go back to ur son now, and Natalia is like.. OUR son :)

well whatever whatever they get Anton, Bruce goes back to being Batman, they clear his reputation, Jason goes back to the manor since Amanda saw Natalia, etc

(he munches he crunches) also im gonna add this that isnt relevant bc its just so funny, buenos dias alfred

anyways stuff hapens, like idk 14 issues without nocturna, the most important bit that happened is that selina is back. which she was gone. yeah. but shes back and around.

ANYWAYS! 15 issues later! shes back! some dudes entered her old observatory n were vandalizing and she was like hold up

meanwhile we have Jason calling amanda bc he well.. misses his mom and as much as he loves bruce and hes his dad its not the same for some reason

jason in every universe: i miss my mom i want my mom :(

at school Jason overheards some kids talking about Natalia in the observatory

Jason goes looking for Natalia n turns out Bullock was also trying to see what was happening in the observatory, so they kinda team up for two whole panels to find her

but Jason is like im not telling u shit.. n goes w Natalia on his own

google always taking pics

n they share a moment ;_____;

n theyre reunited.. now ur gonna have to excuse me bc i didnt download the high quality of the next tec issues n all the download links are sadly broken

but… what about natalia?

then bullock finds them

well bullock lets her go n while retelling the stuff to gordon he has.. a theory

meanwhile Nocturna.. well Nocturna is back at it again, taking charge of a band of thieves.. sigh. 

anyways, they talk, theres something weird happening w the sky that may mean the world is ending or smth, and they make up AND make out

n they have a talk thats basically like. what now? should we be together? well depends if ur still gonna steal. i need funds to get the observatory back in track (HELLO BRUCE IS RICH HE COULD PAY IT..) and hes like oh so ur gonna be a thief again.. and shes like well havent u noticed im only stealing from corrupt rich politicians!? (QUEEN) n theres this gorgeous shot

n then they go their separate ways bc its fucking batman

anyways. Selina was also investigating the group of thieves (that were like black masks old gang but he was sent to prison so Nocturna took over etc) and she sees Nocturna leaving and follows her to the Observatory but.. Jason is there too

Selina wants her GOOOONE she needs to clear her name but Jason is like. over my dead body

n well ……. the girls are fightinggggggggggggggggggggggggg

but Bruce intercepts

n now Batman n Catwoman fight and its like the girls are fightingggggg… 2! but doesnt matter look at them

and then Selina gets struck by lightning

n then theres a earthquake bc god what a damn comic, and the observatory collapses, and Natalia is trapped inside

anyways Selina is in the hospital, Anton is still killing people and knows where she is and is trying to get to her, and this little scene happens with Jason n B

n while Bruce stays with Selina Jason goes to find Natalia which is so funny like. she went to Natalia, his mom, when Bruce told him to go home and well– we al know that story.

n now its a race to get to Natalia before Anton gets to her

n its rlly sad bc like Natalia is ready to die

n 

but both Bruce n Jason are trying to reach her

and here comes Jason!

AND LIKE. the fact she wants to live after all bc of Jason rlly makes me emotional not gonna lie! not gonna lie!

and no offense but a mother’s love………………………………….. no thoughts head empty

first of all i hate anton so fucking much. secondly here comes batdad..

n Jason tries to help Natalia escape and then get back to Bruce who is getting his ass kinda kicked

guess whos coming in that helicopter.. selina freaking kyle.. the legend.. and she helps Bruce with Anton. 

I REALLY DONT GET THIS TBH LIKE. he puts her into the giant balloon so she can get away but like shes hurt buddy shes gonna die up there.. 

and. shes gone.

n Jason is absolutely devastated

n like. Bruce. as always. is like ok champ i see u got it in control, lmk when u wanna go home

LIKE HES SO SAD.. OF COURSE HES SAD THAT WAS HIS MOM....

And thats. pretty much it. Natalia is gone. 

However Jason still grieves her, and when Bruce and Selina are trying to get back together and... hes not a big fan of their relationship.. at all. But bruce tries to pair them up so they can become at least friends, since he loves them both and doesnt want to like. pick between his son and his lover

and they make a fine team, even if Jason grieving Natalia and how Selina doesnt want to take her place is brought up a couple times :(

and it gives it a bittersweet ending to the arc

and well. thats it. thats the Jason and Natalia dynamic.

Natalia reappers later post crisis but well w/o her connection to Jason.. and i really dont wanna talk about the version of her that appears in batwoman comics LOL.  

conclusion: natalia was a bad lady, who at first wanted to use jason to get money from bruce, but then she had a change of heart, and development and became a kind of anti hero? well not antihero just.. she was trying her best man. i wish she hadnt disappeared like she couldve stayed relevant to jasons story without having to be romantically with bruce? bc if u read her comics u can see that she was killed off/voided for batcat to comeback which... typical batcat! anyways. i think she genuinely loved and cared for jason and that jason loved her and cared for her right back :( 

[ifliamsmile]

These Four Walls And Me - Dick Grayson Imagine

Pairing: Dick Grayson x Reader

Summary: Dick, all titans and the reader went to a hard mission against the Joker. Something’s wrong and Dick dies, but is he really dead?

Warnings: Cursing, mention of smut, fights. *Y/S/H/N: your superhero name* *Italic means memories*

Credits: Thank you, @incorrect-titans-quotes​ for always helping me. i’d give up on this if it wasnt u.

Today is D day. The day we will finally do what we’ve been planning everyday for one month. To stop the Joker. Dick has done his best to the team, we train everyday with blinded eyes for hours. Because anything can be taken from you in a battle. I forgot to say that Dick Grayson is also my 4 years boyfriend, i may be suspect to talk about him as a hero and as a lover, after all..everything he does is pretty well done, so if there’s something we are in this moment is ready to catch this fucking crazy villain.

[4 PM. Titans Tower, Training room]

This was our last training, i had Dick watching us and Jason against me right now and it’s not easy, after all, the three of us had been trained by Batman himself. Me and jayson had our sticks so we could practice defence, no attacking. Blinded, i could feel Jason’s breath behind and when i feel the closeness of his stick, i hit it with mine

“Are you asleep, Jaybird?” I mock him

“Wait and see, Y/N”

“Be mad, Jason, but defend yourself, concentrate” Dick said in his particular tone.

Attack followed by defence, the training kept going. Every move was necessary. When both of us had properly trained, we followed to the living room, where we met the rest of the Titans. Dick wanted to reunite us so he could talk about tonight.

“I believe all of you are fully ready to this. But it’s a dangerous mission and i need to ask you all, one more time to be concentrated in this. Be fast, be confident, we are in a bigger number but it doesn’t mean he has no ace up his sleeve. After all, he’s the joker.” Dick has concern lacing his voice as he tried to make them all understand it wouldn’t be easy.

We had already fought agains many villains, but this one really had got us in alert. The fact is: Joker is a psychopath, nothing satisfies him more than provoking his targets, whether through chaos, fear, delirium. He’s been here in San Francisco, but this is our place, and he won’t mess it up.

“We can do that, we know the old train station, we rule here in San Francisco so i believe we have advantage” Kory said

“Yes, we will do that in the most titan’s style, this is what we do, guys!” Gar said with his notorious excitement.

“Be careful, smart and lithe. We’ve seen things the rest of you can’t imagine, when in Gotham, I don’t want it to happen here.”

“Don’t worry, Y/N, we’ll do our best.” Rachel says and hugs me. Since she came in, since the start, Dick had done everything to protect her and i may have got into this with him, because i see her as my own child.

We are a Family, every one of us complete our team, so that’s why 1 month of insane training. We are ready.

[ 10 p.m, Dick and Y/N’s bedroom]

“We will stop him, won’t we?” Dick asks while we were cuddling in bed, we took our bath and we were relaxing right now but something doesn’t seem okay, my black-and-blue Bird doesn’t seem that confident as he Always do.

“We will, love, because we strive for that. You’re our mentor, Dick and you’ve done everything so we could be hundred porcent compatible to him in this mission. Don’t worry that much. You, by yourself would detain him, i blindly believe it.” I tell him, filling him with kissies over all his face.

“Okay, okay, baby, i’ll relax, we’ll be lying here after that and we’ll make love like there’s no other day on Earth.” He says in my ear, I wish we didn’t have a mission to lead.

“You’re such a perv, Dick Grayson” I mock him and he starst tickling me.

“You make me, Y/N” and we kiss.

“I love you, D.” I tell him.

“I love you with all my heart, kitten” the surname he use to call me since we met.

We heard a knock in our door. It was Jason.

“Hey, Guys, C’mon, We need to go, he’s almost out of the old station” He says from behind the door.

“We’re coming.” Dick in his serious tone answer Jason.

“It’s time, love.” And we went to change in our suits.

[10:45 p.m, San Francisco’s Old train station]

We get there, to end it up for once. We recognize the place that we had already beat some bad guys. It is dark but with some old yellow lights, behind the railroad of the train, there is an abyss that’s the reason why this station is closed, there’s 2 trains in the railroad, and a misterious silence.

Dick was the first one to appear, he told us to stay back until the joker appears. We stay in the dark, Jason is already upside the train station.

“Joker, i can offer you a deal. I’ll send you right to arkham and you wont have to fight against all of us.”

When we least expected, he apperead. Not in the way we expected, he had a hostage. He was holding a woman by her neck, she had her 30 years or more, tiny woman with glasses.

“This fucking whore was dealing my penalty for criminal acts in gotham. She was going to send me to arkham, can you believe it? and she ran to San Francisco so she could be safe from me.” The freak laughs out loud in his own typical way. “I guess you all asked yourselves what the hell i’m doing here? This cunt is the reason, now that she’s gonna die, i won’t to Arkham anymore and i’ll be free.” More and more laugh, i can’t bare hearing this asshole laugh like this anymore

He knew we’d be coming, he knew we’d be after him, but he didn’t stop.

“You won’t take a life from a inocent, Joker, let her go.” Dick says, confident and being sure that tonight he has one point: stop him.

“You did surprise me this time, Nightwing. Do you really think i’ll be letting her go? This is the first time i see you so defensive, what’s up? Love has made you soft?”

He draws a gun. Fuck. He points the gun at her jugular.

“Where’s the rest of your team of dumbasses, Little Bird? Are you by yourself? Are you going to tell them to leave or i will have to kill her so fast? I wish I could enjoy a little more”

“We can end up in two ways, Joker, one: you let her go and we will solve it with no inocente lives. Two: i kill you.” I can hear anger, fury in Dick’s voice

We were hiding in the back of the two trains, me, Dawn and Donna.. Jason was up in the roof of the station, ready to act, and now it’s the our. I give him the sign.

In a minute lot’s of things happen, it’s like a movie is passing by our eyes

Jason used the birdarangue to hit the joker in the leg, at the same time Dick pushes the hostage and tell her to go. Dick and the Joker start fighting physically, it gets rough and when we move to get in, a loud noise got us mute.

The joker had a bomb. My ear aches, my head is about to explode, but my only worrie is: is Dick fine? There’s a lot of smoke and i can’t see anything but i try to get closer, i need to see him. Something in my heart say it isn’t good.

“NIGHTWING?” i yell and it only hurts more. I have no answer. I crall a bit more and i call him again. “DICK?” still have no answer.

“Y/S/H/N, I don’t know where Dick is, he was right here, he was fighthing the joker, he..i..don’t know” Jason says still confused because he was also too close to joker like Dick.

The smoke was going away, i could see Jason again, he was all blodied because of the fragments that exploded with the bomb.

I was slowly recognizin the faces around me, and i didn’t see my boyfriend’s face. I started getting anxious, i started feeling bad and i had no more air, where’s Dick Grayson? “DICK WHERE ARE YOU, please answer me, dick” i still had strenght to yell but i felt my vision blur and i have no more strenght to finish the sentence. Where is Dick, where’s him?

“Y/N, I found this, I’m sorry, I think Dick couldn’t make it, i think he fell in the abssys.” Hank gave me a piece of his uniform, the black and blue fabric of his Nightwing uniform.

I couldn’t believe, it was like there was no ground in my feet, i felt everything getting far, i could barely hear anything anymore, this was the biggest pain i’ve ever felt, everything hurted and i felt like had no more air to breath.

I fell on the ground, i called, i yelled for his name but he never came, i can only feel donna come to help me and everything went black.

[6 a.m, TitansTower]

I woke up in our bed, It all felt like a nightmare. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t here, I had to go to the living room. I wish I could have stayed in bed because when i got in the room, all i saw was sad faces looking right at me, and i couldn’t take it, he’s not there.

“Y/N, come here” Dawn says calling me to her side.

“Dawn, it was real, wasn’t it? He couldn’t make it, could him?” I sob and try to think straight but it is too hard. It was like one tonne had fall in my head.

“He couldn’t, Y/N, we can believe it, but he couldn’t” Dawn is in front of me right now. Holding my hands, she was trying to make me feel better but I couldn’t. I could only feel pain but this time something else appeared and it was anger, because the Joker took him from me and he would pay.

“Jason, call Bruce” I said in a serious tone and i left to our bedroom.

When i got there, And I, I wanted the sheets to take me under because I can't help but think, what if I had one more night for goodbye? He won’t be here to turn the lights off, it will be only these four walls and me.

I went to take a shower, and staring at the shower’s wall i just could realize the numb i felt.

“I would give the world for more time to look at you” Dick caressed my face while we were under the shower

“I think we’ll have a long time, baby, because i’m yours and i do not pretend not being yours someday..” He kissed me, grabbing my legs he pressed me against the wall and we loved each other.

It hit me like a truck, the feeling of griefing was taking me. I tried to eat but the lump in my throat got in the way, this feeling, this feeling that i don’t have Dick anymore, it wasn’t human.

I follow to the living room, because i need to do it. Jason has lost his mentor, his old brother, the image of everything he wanted to be. Rachel has lost her image of parent. Gar has lost his leader. I need to be there for him, but the pain crashes my heart in many ways.When I get there, I hug every one of them and I sob by crying because I know how it hurts to understand it, then I left to the training room. I need to put this out, I can’t stand anymore, I’m going to train, I’m gonna make the Joker pay.I start to hit the punching bag, I hit it multiple times and I felt like I was losing my control, I kick it, I punch it with all my strenght.

“You, by yourself would detain him, i blindly believe it.” I told him, filling him with kissies over all his face.

“Okay, okay, baby, i’ll relax, we’ll be lying here after that and we’ll make love like there’s no other day on Earth.” He said

“You’re such a perv, Dick Grayson” I mock him and he starst tickling me.

“You make me, Y/N” and we kiss.

“I love you, D.” I tell him.

“I love you with all my heart, kitten”

“NO!” I yell punch the bag now crying when this memory hits me. “NO, DICK!” I punch it harder “YOU’RE NOT GONE” I keep yelling and i felt my body losing his strenght, until i felt Jason’s arms holding me, helping me and putting me on the ground.

“Y/N, I can’t stand seeing you like this, please” Jason says, after all, he’s like our little Bird, our little brother who’s Always on our feet, Always here.

“He’s dead, Jason, oh my god, he is dead.” I couldn’t believe how much it hurted. It is cruciating.

“You can and you will, Y/N, we need you, you gave the orders when Dick wasn’t here in the tower, you’ve Always been our second command.” I look at the kid’s eye and I start realizing they were needing me. Dick would never want me to destroy myself and give up on Titans, Because I can’t count how many things Dick had done for this team, it was his life. Our life.

“I’m here, Jaybird, I’ll recover for him and for you all. I need to talk to bruce first.”

[9 P.M, TitansTower]

I called Bruce, he was broken. But just like him, we seek for justice and that’s what’s going to happen. I ask Bruce to locate the Joker and me and them would catch him. For once.

“Team, go change, Joker is in the Central Museum, we’re going there.” I tell them the plain, we change and follow to the place.

[10 P.M, Central Museum]

The Museum was already closed, no people in there, only the fucking crazy Joker trying to do more crimes, but he wouldn’t, not here and nowhere.

When we first get in there, silente was dominating, he was hiding but he could show up anytime, so we were ready.

“You’re sure you want to do this, Y/S/H/N? Aren’t you feeling too bad, Darling? Your black uniform fits well your new status, because right now you’re a widow.” The bastars laughs out loud from my pain, but right now, i felt empty, i only had anger and fury going throught my mind.

“Won’t you show up, Joker?” I say so he can hear from wherever he is “Come here, Confront me. You’ve already took the life of the man i love. I don’t feel anything anymore.”

He appears, wth the most sassy and dirty smile in that fucking crazy face. My heart is so tiny right now. This man took my love, the only one i had in life.

“You guys won’t stop trying to detain me until i kill one by one?” He says to us

We get ready to start the Fighting but we get surprised by one of the glasses of the top windows cracking. The noise is so loud

“What is happening?” I hear Donna

“You’re wrong joker, you won’t finish to kill one by one because haven’t even started, you crap” This voice, this so well known voice. My heart pounds in my chest and I ask myself if i’m crazy or it is actually happening.

Then i look to the top of the museum and there he is. Holding on his bat-rope. My Black-and-Blue Bird. Alive.

“Nightwing, I asked myself when we’d see each other again. I believed you’d like to do some mistery but here you are. I have to tell you, your timing sucks.” Joker laughs.

I stay paralised looking at Dick. He was here, right in front of me.

“What can I do? It’s a gift.” He answers the joker, fastly gets down to the ground and kisses me. “I couldn’t die, I fought too much not to die, because I had to come back. To you.” He kisses me.

“Rachel! NOW!” Donna yells, she wraps him in her lasso of truth and Raven envolve him with her black magic. They take him to San Francisco police which was outside the museum waiting to take him to arkham. We did beat him.

[1 A.M, TitansTower]

The going back home was unbeliavable, the guys were crazy about it, Gar and Jason wouldn’t get out from Dick’s feet. Our leader was back.

“Guys, I appreciate your love, You all are my Family and i’m so grateful, I can’t explain how hard it was, but i’m here, and tomorrow i’ll clarify everything. Because right now i’m going to love my girl.” Everyone laughs and we follow to our room.

There’s no words, there’s only two crazy lovers wanting everything the other can give, because the time that passed was too much for both of them to handle.

Dick was home, with me.

[raccoonhearteyes]

Alright so I'm gonna try this long ass post again I guess maybe I'll break it up into two parts. It's pretty much relationship advice and its sorta similar to your relationship anons issues but not quiet fully to that extent? So anyway my gf and I have been together for about 5 years living together for about 3? It started out as an ldr and it was good and fun and I enjoyed going to visit her and she enjoyed visiting me and it was great. The texting was great. I realized about 5ish months ago I'm over her? The thing that'll make it insanely hard is that we work together. Not really in the same department but we essentially do work together. Same schedule and yeah. Theres still occasionally sex involved but its sooooo infrequent that I dont really have much of a sex drive anymore. So during our ldr most of our little arguements consisted of her getting upset over things and not really wanting to talk which I'm fine with but she never actually outright would say "hey I'm upset can you give me space?" It would just be her straight up ignoring me like no responses for days or anything I would literally have to force her to answer me by either sending her the same text a few times until I got some sort of simple 1 worded answer or in real life I'd go "is that okay babe?" 3 or 4 times until she said something. I'm a talker though if I have an issue I'll talk about it to someone or talk to the person I have the issue with. Recently I've been noticing shes kinda looks down on me and my issues? (Yeah I know I'm joining the club) like so recently I had a project I was working on at work and I could do it myself but a coworker wanted in on it because its something hes good at. I declined said thanks but I can handle it plus I'll finish it faster. He didnt like the answer and went to our boss and our boss put him on the project with me. I have a generally good work relationship with this guy so I was gonna talk to him but I talked to my gf about it first and she literally said "that's your problem you should learn to deal with it" like my plan was to talk to the dude first then go to our boss about it if it didnt really get resolved but okay. A lot of times when she gets upset at things she'll pick at something I do? Like if i put a water bottle on the kitchen counter she'll literally get upset that it's in her way. Also I cant stand doors being slammed shut from childhood trauma and she knows this and she'll purposely do it when shes mad at me but most of the time when shes mad st me its over me forgetting to put my water bottle in the fridge or something. 1/2

So anyway she'll get to the point where she straight up wont talk to me for days because she gets mad at me for whatever. Like today on the way home we were arguing over a former coworker who worked in my department like his office was literally right next to mine. She spoke to him maybe 5 or 6 times? He was a body builder but she kept saying he wasnt but he would always talk to me about it so I just kelt saying he was and to ask whoever she wants to if he was ir wasnt. She kinda just stopped talking to me after that and hasnt spoken to me the rest of the day? Because of a guy who left our place to go some where else? Like what? So before covid hit I was taking kick boxing classes and it kinda helped with my frustration of dealing with her in a sense but since I can't now I'm pretty much back to what we were doing? Like I cant talk to her about why this is bothering her so much because she literally wont talk to me? We really dont have many friends in common besides one or two of them and any time I talk to some about it they just tell me to talk to her. Like I've tried a lot but any time I do she just ignores me and shrugs me off. Or if I have another issue I've been trying to deal with I just get told I'm being annoying and I'm not listening to her or her suggestions when most of the time she never suggested anything and just immediately went to "you're being really annoying right now" but anytime shes dealing with shit I'm expected to be focused on her all the time? Like I constantly get interrupted when I'm trying to talk about something so she can talk about herself or so she can say "I cant believe so and so did this" and it's never relevant to what I was just talking about? Like I feel bad because she moved really far to live here and we have plans to move to another state but I'm not sure I want to with her and i cant really afford my own place and neither can she. But when shes finally over being mad she acts like nothing ever happened and if I'm still upset about it she tells.me to get over it and stop being so sensitive? I dont know I just know she moved far to be here and I helped her get the job she has and everything so idk 2/2

------------------------------------

Anyone who ghosts and stops talking to you for a few days because of a silly argument is not worth dating. It is one thing to be upset and need some time away from the person, but to spend days not talking and then never addressing it is bullshit. I have wasted time on those people and all it does is make you walk on eggshells trying not to piss them off, but you never succeed. They need to learn to communicate like an adult. Bottom line.

[justmikerrss]

to all the boys that will *never* love me:

Dear christian, stephen, mikio, oscar, royce, pat, manny, derrick, mars, gill, rex, max, kevin, and nick -- whether y’all were a crush or someone i saw myself being in a relationship with get ready bc i’m going IN. I’m gonna use this time to rank these catastrophes from level 1 to level 5. level 1 being a crush yenno not so bad or scarring, and level 5 being sad machine playing while the world is burning to pieces like bish you left a MARK on my heart. if you know me i think you know who that person is hahaha

*alexa, please play truth hurts by lizzo*

christian - level 1. lol let’s take a trip down memory lane to my first crush ever!! my gosh i remember being so kilig over this boy in elementary school at st. leander lol it was so obvious. hahaha. your spikey hair and like goofy ass smile i don’t know i was such a sucker for that. the first filipino boy i ever crushed on waow <3 but then I left st. leander and never spoke to you again. you went to o’dowd, i went to sjnd and that was it really. you went to sfsu i went to usf. idk how we ever found each other on insta, but it is so cute to see posts of you and jasmine haha a USF don as well!! the last “convo” (i wouldn’t even call it that) was when i commented on your graduation post and you commented back thanking me and saying congrats too. so happy that your trillest brand is killing it and you know nothing about me anymore but what a great time it was to know you were my first crush ever lol. thanks for this <3

stephen - level 1. lol i left st. leander and moved to sjes and was like ok, who am i gonna crush on now?? hello stephen, my first white boi lol. i knew fosho that you thought i was weird in elementary school like there is a particular time where in church i sat next to you and during the our father you did not want to hold my hand LMAO and that’s when i knew. i stood from afar. touched your thumb for heads up 7 up HAHAHA gosh you were so out of my league and such an asshole tbh. you and nick, forever making fun of me for liking mikio lmfao hate y’all forever. you went to lmu and that was history. lmao you were so mean to me. but all well. you were like not a good person i think i just liked you because of your looks? lol hahaha

mikio - level 2.5. oh my god the epitome of my boy problems in high school lmfao fuck you. jk. but high school mika wouldn’t take that back. oh myyyyy what a FLIRT were you. i had so many fantasies thinking we’d be together, we’d be m&m HAHAH BARF wow, and then you dated mel and it was just like??? then you were my escort but then i was like nope and switched you with ryann LOL suuuuper crazy like I don’t really remember the details of everything but i knew in high school being so kawawa over not being noticed by you. but then you went to davis, slo, and now in sl?? idk where you are now but you had my heart back then (barf) but that was such a long time ago that honestly it doesn’t phase me anymore!! a feeling high school mika wouldn’t have thought was possible. so thank you. i liked you because you gave me little glimmers of hope of like maybe we could be together -- you were nice, flirtatious, close to your family... not afraid to make a fool of yourself for the one you’re interested in. which wasn’t me but again that’s okay! I wrote a letter to you didn’t i? idk what i was doing why was i so dramatic tbh. you did things that honestly weren’t in my control so i can’t hate you really. again realizing that you fit my type so it just, idk

oscar -- level 1. when mikio was being a butt i knew i could crush on you. LOL the hugs, the convos, being able to laugh at anything when you were in the room what a time SJND was when you were there. now you’re in boston with your boo and i’m still really regretful over not being able to see you when i was in boston last year but it’s okay. happy that you’re happy out there :-)

royce and pat -- level 1.5. ah. USF college times man. these two were literally a duo. RA’s of the 4th floor (share yall are silly for assigning that haha) and damn, what a trip it was to crush on you. royce you were a dj so thats how i knew my thing for dj’s came. you both did your jobs at ra’s, pat you were on eboard so i saw your hustle there which i super appreciated. and this is also how i knew filipinos were my type? lol. EVEN THO YALL WERE LIKE WITH BOOS lol i am cursed but yall had hustle, swagger, passion for what you love, and still made time for partying it up and studying. and now i see royce at parties sometimes n i would awk hug him (rip at the phoenix hotel party) and i havent seen pat since he graduated but hes so happy with becca!! so cute. and its cute (and weird) how kierst is happy with royce.

****DJ SPARKY/AGANA/YURI -- level 1. yall are dj’s who i will always cringe at bc of how naive i was at shooting my shot... BUT IM GLAD YOU ALL ARE THRIVING OK LETS DISMISS THOSE BOIZ NOW 

manny -- level 2.5. ahhhhh manny manny manny. my first trip towards using dating apps and matching with someone on TINDER!!! LOL!!!! ok anywho i met up with you for a few times and it was just like... a lot of question marks bc i didn’t really know where my standards were when it came to online dating. we went on dates? but the first time i paid, and the second time you “forgot your card” so i paid again?? and then you walked me to my dorm and kissed me on the forehead?? red alert!! then you kept wanting like a second chance, to prove me wrong and i kept ignoring you bc wtf lmao... then i was foolish to let you into my life again and realized that was a mistake and blocked you again. and now you’re like a bonafide dj living your edm dreams. i saw you at audio TWICE omg rip. i liked you because lol ur filipino, a dj, buttered me up a whole ton which again problematic bc i didn’t see any of it within myself... but its okay mika is better now. better to not be talking to you. but thank you for being my stepping stone into dating apps.

derrick -- level 1. omg at times i forget about you! which i don’t know is a good or bad thing but i don’t think i ever told anyone about you lol. we met on okc, this filipino boi (lol a trend) andddd i went on like two dates with him? one, i met up with him at that one coffee spot near golden gate park. then we walked over to ggp and we just talked and thinking about it now it was very ideal for me to be myself fully, in public if that makes sense. you were so nice and genuine omg. we went to sweet maple the second time around and you paid for the food which was like wow!! diff than manny!! and i remember talking to you about kh and you loving it as much as me. but i got scared because you were like 26 or somn? i was still 20 i think and i was like this dude might be asking a lot out of me...so i told him the “this is on me i don’t feel ready and not sure how i feel” spiel. and that was history. i honestly don’t know what he is doing now but he was really nice. i felt no malicious intentions from me, i just wasn’t ready to move forward w him. the first nice guy i ever let down bruh. ugh.i hope you’re doing well now though.  

mars -- LEVEL 5. fuck me i hate this chapter SO MUCH lmao. so many drunk cries and just cries in general post this whole... like chapter. but lets start off with why i liked you: handsome as hell, close to your family, athletic, hustled, SO MF KIND EVEN WHEN I WAS BEING CRAZY, a great homie and bf quality, gave me the false hope of like “yeah ill see if i can come through” “ill let you know when i listen to this” the forever ILL LET YOU KNOWS but still views my stories and still doesn’t let me know mentality.... you never initiated any of our convos. i was STRAIGHT pursuing you even though i didn’t believe that you’d change your mind about just seeing me as a friend. you made that clear to me from the start but i didn’t take that as an answer LOL which is why i was so crazy to keep hanging out with you... even tho you were super busy and i felt like a burden you STILL made time with me, whether that was peruvian food, or thursday nightlife followed by dancing at a bar together (which i ruined when you took me home and asked you about your love language lmao), souvla, and then our final time of seeing each other: san tung and tpumps. what a fucking few months that was...only to come out of it with another girlfriend with the same name as me. LIKE WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS. i still can’t believe it till this day. my gosh you were so nice to me mars. such a great homie. and i wasnt empathetic or smart enough to make diff decisions to retain what we had...but im happy that you’re happy with mika. other mika. yeah. man i never felt so in the dark when going through this time, this was so rough. i wasn’t eating, i’d cry in bed for days, it was so bad. i’d like to say that I’m healed from that though. lol to burning the shirt which honestly i should have kept bc it was a cute shirt.. but yeah. thank you.

gill -- level 1. lol you were dumb to think i was attractive enough to dance with at the soulection event. we exchange numbers and i think because i told you i was 21, you backed off. lol guess i was a fetus then. still am. lmao. we text for a bit but then i find out you tried to get into arcilla’s pants?? lMAO. oh and then i see you at that pool party, saw you talking to other girls and i broke DOWN bc i was crossed as hell LOL sorry ate kayla that you had to take me home that day LOL ugh i hate myself for that night. and then i see you right in front of me at OSL. in 2019?? for childish?? that was such weird weird fate. thank god you didn’t recognize me (i had long black hair there, you remembered me with short brown hair plus it was dark). i just thought it was crazy. uhm you had the fuckboy vibe and look on point.. knew everything about soulection. family oriented. but it just fizzled bc i blocked you and then just stopped talking to you lol.

*****chris l/frankie -- level 1. again i cringe at how dramatic i pursued yall sorta as crushes but for sure bc yall were soulcycle and about fitness YES bodies 10/10 and you understood soul. but omg chris pls get ur life together (which is what it seems like ur doing??) and frankie well you’ve been having your life together being married and all so0o0o0 im trash for crushing lmao BUT IM GLAD THATS ALL IN THE PAST AND THAT WE’VE FORGOTTEN i think lmao

rex -- level 0.5. lmfao you were dumb you’re gonna keep looking at me and emily only for me to make the move in letting you know i was interested, follow you on ig, and then you block me?? weirdo. bye.

MY HINGE BOYS </3 

Max -- level 3. oh maximus lmao. we talked for a whole month and what a pleasure it was to text you every day, receive and send memes, curate playlists, be w/ each other at different events... only for it to end after we netflix party/facetime where i don’t feel the kilig i’d feel when texting you. so i told you i wanted to be friends. and then i try to still reach out and be friends, but i got delayed responses to no responses. and now you just, look at my stories? lmao i know it don’t mean shit to look and you recently liked my post, but i feel like i invested a lot into our quarantine reality. you had GREAT music taste (even tho ur playlist was a lil questionable), for all i know you were just telling me things to like get you on my good side, motivated, privileged......... yeah. i hope you find your 5′0 qt rave queen that can go to events with u

KEVIN -- level 1. lmfao honestly you SUCK hahaha even with the benefit of the doubt, it does not take 10 hours to reply...even if you are busy at work NICK AND MAX WERE ABLE TO!!! you were spotty to begin with but then we netflix party and then you dont talk to me anymore after i ask if we could exchange music playlists? i didnt even ask u to be my boyfriend its a fucking playlist.... we talked about music so much. ugh BOYS ARE SO DUMB LIKE SERIOUSLY. hope amazon treats ya right

NICK -- level 4. ugh. ughguhgughgh. i liked you because your profile/resume was all my criteria: music taste A1 bc of bryson, i hated mint chip, i loved spongebob (even tho you NEVER sent me spongebob memes fuck u), you were hapa (he he but fuck u) (i laugh while typing this i am so dum), uhm. yeah. we talked everyday consistently for two weeks. you were such a joy to text bc you were funny (i was funny too), even tho it was hard to keep the convo going w you at times in the beginning because you never inquired about me at times. max did. its like you were better than mars, but not like A+ in replying like max was. you never really flirted with me? lmao i mean even those attempts of me tryna bait you, i always got... friend vibes. benefit of the doubt maybe you just didn’t know how to flirt but you had posts of your past relationship up on your feed so you cant tell me that that exp did not have you pursue a girl and flirt her up. to me, there was no initiative from you. i was chasing you for sure. this dating life is a two way street -- life doesn’t work where one pursues you only otherwise like no. bet if i went the fuckboi approach, gave you lame responds would you have kept the convo going? prolly not bc ur a cancer and want to feel needed. the only thing ill commend you on is when you’d apologize for delays in text messages but then you kinda stopped that. like understand i should also feel like i should be pursued and never did i feel that i felt like you just responded just to respond... like you’re a cancer its in your nature to dive deep and ask deep questions but you never did, you were the type to play video games with your pals LMAO and like/????/? me understanding gamer life i was like YES this boy gets me but like CMON. lol so many things. ok maybe i am reading too into this but this is the freshest heartache :/ you never like told me i was cute or anything like... max made remarks about my looks and you never did. i mean cool maybe you were just vibing off my energy but i just now question if you were actually interested in me? bc i was trying so hard to make you like me. every meme, was a move. you didnt play your cards right!! its like i kept hitting you with plus fours, and then all you’d put down is the same color number card. where was the fun in that? it was super effortless but anxiety filling for me at the same time bc i was convinced that you were the one. :’/ super good news to hear that you wanted to meet virtually literally NO EXPECTATIONS but then monday rolls around, you dont text me the whole day, i check in at 530, you tell me you go to costco instead and want to reschedule bc you thought i was ghosting you????? wtf did u just like expect me to just call u right at 7 and expect u to be ready?? max texted me after work and was like “we still on right?” so i was high key expecting that from you bc 1. show interest and 2. take initiative but you DIDN’T!! so i was honest in telling you how i felt but kept it light and asked to reschedule. you take forever to reply, but when you do you tell me it was silly OF ME to think you were supposed to confirm it which i get i initiated it i shoulda texted you earlier (but what if i had the worst day ever and couldn’t text you??? would you have just let it be and not text me anymore bc you assumed i ghosted you???) you also said that you thought maybe it was too quick to assume that i ghosted you which is YES tru. however i was not going to apologize for not texting you earlier and waiting for you to reply bc boy, that was on you to make a move to double check. if i was in your shoes i woulda texted. that would indicate to me that oh wow this boy is making sure we are meeting and confirming! even drop a hey hows your day you excited for tonight? i made it obvious to hype you up on your photos and everything, you just were like wow your photos are so good! wow i hope you posted that picture! like idk. i kept it light bc i still really wanted to meet you, and just wanted to attribute this small ass thing as a misunderstanding between the two of us but after long hours of making me wait, you decide you don’t want to reschedule because you were unsure of how you were feeling and that you couldn't put your all in and said sorry. no sentiment towards wanting to be friends just a straight goodbye which basically meant, in harsher terms im prolly not as down as you are for me and maybe i am nervous to meet u (idk ill never know if you were) anddd im not interested anymore bc you’re crazy and ME being the womyn that i am ended up being the mature one and said the goodbye hope you have a good life without me text and then our lovestory ended lololol what a great two weeks am i right? honestly maybe you still need to do some growing buddy but relationships are not easy going they are a two way street but also ill never know maybe you were just texting me just to text me and you still wanted to be the nice guy bc you were scared of how invested things would be post call so you call it off and it was just in the moment for you to be down but then have it change on another day.... i woke up in a better headpsace today about how this turned out but like god fucking dammit i had high hopes for you you infj CANCER. *squidward voice* so thanks. thanks for NOTHING (this is when you start your spongebob dialogue of all how to get everyone on board for practicing for the bubble bowl and sing sweet victory)

so, the end LOL basically. to all the boys who will never love me, ultimately thank you for being a part of my life. thank you srsly. thank you for making me exp the pain, the kilig, the uh everything. growing pains these are, but at the end of the day, i hope you have a good life. whether or not we cross paths again this gives me clarity as to what i’m looking for and what i deserve. this goalgetting, resilient, funny, hardworking, awkward but in the best way pinay is a force to be reckoned with!!! she has the best support system out there!!! she has so much to live for because she is determined to not let down anyone counting on her!!!! so fuck u for missing out on that!!!

k. my ideal man list is coming soon. until then... see ya later.

xoxo,

Mika (allison to some)

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

CW: transphobia, homophobia. Also pretty long and I'm on mobile so I cant put a read more thing on it.

Ok so this is kind of a personal post so if you don't wanna hear about some of my personal drama, just scroll along. But I feel like I need to get this shit on record somewhere since I don't have the screenshots of the texts this is concerning anymore.

So a little over a year ago, I told the person who'd been my best friend, we'll call her E, since I was about 9 that I didnt want to be friends with her anymore. More on that later.

Back in senior year of high school I started thinking I might be Bi. I brought this up to E and she was super dismissive right off that bat. Saying that I wasnt, sounding like she was trying to console me. Like being Bi was this awful thing that I needed to worry about.

Well fast forward about a year and a half and I went up to my college with her so I could do new student orientation since I was starting the next semester. This is when the fact that I was Bi sort of smacked me in the face because the girl doing my orientation was super hot. I immediately knew I wouldnt be telling E that.

Fast forward to march of 2017. Its spring break. I've reconnected with my high school friends. I've never felt the need to hide my sexuality from them and they were instantly nothing but supportive of me. We never really hung out outside of school back in high school (or in elementary school either in Eric's case.) I start realizing that I've been having more fun with them then I ever did with E. And I finally had people to geek out about sciencey stuff with because E doesnt believe in science but eric LOVES science. It was nice.

Well a couple weeks after spring break me and Es mutual friend Althea asked me to drive her to the shelter so she could get her boyfriends cat fixed (it's way cheaper there then at the vet) and spent the day hanging out with her because she WAS planning to walk back there to pick up the cat afterwards and I was like "uh no. I'm not gonna make you walk across town by yourself." So I finally got to meet her boyfriend. Well that afternoon E came and picked me up to go up to the KU campus to get some more bus passes to go to our college in KC because our school was out of bus passes and didnt know when theyd get more.

Here's when I kinda started to realize I should maybe get out of this friendship. On the way to campus E starts telling me about her day at school and how "theres a girl that used to be a guy in one of my teachers other classes. It's making me uncomfortable."

Me: "that sounds like a you problem, E."

Now I knew she kind of thought that way already. She may not have said shit like that around our other friends but I had to hear it a lot. But because I'm pretty nonconfrontational and she was my only close friend outside of school and I was terrified of being alone, I usually just ignored it or politely debated her about it but generally just agreed to disagree. This was the first time I ever decided to speak up to her about it. Unfortunately I couldnt say much cuz her mom was the one driving us and i knew she agreed with everything E said.

But I'd been hanging out with althea and her boyfriend (who just so happened to be trans) all morning so suddenly having to hear E talk about how uncomfortable trans people make her got me more fired up than usual.

After this I slowly started distancing myself from her. I'd been hoping for a few years that she'd grow up and accept that not everyone is like her and try to be more open minded and accepting of people. Apparently that wasnt happening.

I stopped responding to her texts as often. I was trying to think of a way to talk to her about it but all my past friendships that fell apart, did so naturally and on a silent mutual agreement. So I was half hoping that would happen. Pretty stupid. Dont recommend. Just be straight with people.

After a few months of me only answering her texts every once in a while, she decided to start calling me multiple times a week. Often while I was at work. Sometimes from her mom and sisters phones when I wouldnt answer from her number. Idk y she thought that would work. She knows I hate talking on the phone.

I still didnt know what to say to her. I probably should've just told her I needed some space and she might've backed off for awhile so I could figure it out. But subway stressed me tf out. And i have no idea how you're supposed to end a relationship with your best friend of over 10 years.

(Also some of my other reasons for not wanting to be friends with her were specifically because of althea and I didnt want althea to get dragged into it. Unfortunately it ended up happening anyways. But basically back in highschool, if we were planning for all four of us (me, e, althea, and nikki) to get together, and nikki would have something come up, E would tell althea our get together was cancelled but would still have me come over and then made me promise not to say anything to althea about it.)

Around march or april of last year I blocked her family's numbers. This is when they started showing up at my work. The first time it happened I had a long ass line and was helping my coworker get through it before I left. Her sister came in by herself and just asked how I was doing but left pretty quick after she got her sandwich since it was busy. A couple more times they came and just parked outside like they were waiting for me to get off my shift but ended up leaving. The last time it happened E came in while I was there alone and I really didnt wanna have THAT conversation while i was at work alone and her crazy overprotective mom was out in the car waiting for her. So i made her sandwich very quickly so i could get her out as fast as I could.

I was planning on finally talking to her around the end of april but was still having trouble figuring out what to say.

Unfortunately any plan I had to let her down easy was sort of thrown out the window on may 13th of last year.

My mom texted me that morning about how she got a weird call from Es aunt. On her work phone. This is basically how that call went:

"IS THIS OLIVIAS MOM?????"

My mom, suddenly worried it's my work and something happened to me, "Yes?"

"Why isnt olivia talking to E anymore?"

"............I dont know."

So that kind of crossed a line for me. It really freaked my mom out.

I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when I'm mad or stressed out tho. So my friend Alice ended up writing out the text for me and I read through it to make sure it was ok.

Basically it said "I'm sorry but I dont think we can be friends anymore. The way you talk about the LGBT+ community makes me extremely uncomfortable, especially seeing as I am bisexual and have several friends in the community. The way you used to exclude althea from hanging out with us because you think shes annoying and then expect me to lie to her about it makes me uncomfortable. It was inappropriate to show up at my work unannounced to corner me into talking to you when I needed space. And it was even more inappropriate for your relatives to call my mom at work. I'm sorry I didnt say something sooner but I'm tired of pretending I'm ok with everything you've said over the years."

Then her mom texts me. I dont remember all of it but the gist was "you're a horrible person. E never judged you or anyone else (sure, miss "gay people are gross. I can see how conversion therapy might work." Totally isnt judging anyone and 100% cares about the lgbt+ community.) The only reason she did those things is because she was worried about you."

Then E left me a voicemail that I couldnt understand at all cuz she was crying and I felt terrible even tho everyone was telling me I shouldn't. Now I probably should've taken out the part about althea because it effectively threw my "not wanting to get althea involved" plan out the window. Honestly what really pissed me off about this next part both made me pissed at E but also at myself. E removed herself from the group chat I had with her, nikki, and althea. Blocked althea on Facebook and blocked her number. Didnt bother to explain why. I still feel terrible about this even tho althea has told me many times that it's fine and if she'd had to pick a side she wouldve picked mine. But I still felt like she at least deserved an explanation.

Alice told me to screenshot the texts. I almost didn't cuz I just wanted to forget about all this. But I did.

Anyways life moved on. Eric got a new phone and gave me his beat up galaxy s7. I stuck my s6 into a drawer and let it die and forgot about it.

Then on new years I got a call from althea. Not weird at all. She calls me every major holiday and birthday. Shes done this every year since junior year of high school.

Normal phone call at first. But then she says that her mom has been talking to E's mom. Apparently E's mom told altheas mom that I told E that althea hates her and thinks shes a terrible person and that's why E hasnt been talking to althea. Althea of course didnt believe that but wanted me know about it. This prompted me to try and charge up my old phone and get the screenshots off of it. I had it plugged in for a couple of days and it never turned back on. So that's out apparently.

That's also why I felt the need to get all of this written down. It may not be as great as having the actual screenshots but I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when confronted so I want to have something written down in case any of this comes up again.

[lunawings]

King of Prism SSS Episode 6 commentary (Minato)

The final episode of Part 2!

This was originally my favorite of the three episodes we are shown in the theatrical “Part 2″. But it was also the one I was most awake for at the time haha. Nowadays I think Joji’s is probably my favorite of the Part 2 episodes, but this one still has a very, very special place in my heart......... AS BIG AS THE OCEAN.......... 

And right off the bat we’re referencing the hidden curry subplot in Pride the Hero. Well, maybe it was obvious to some people, but I definitely wouldn’t have fully known about this subplot without reading about it. Basically early on in Pride the Hero there is a scene where Hiro casually refuses to eat Minato’s curry. Minato can be seen working on his recipe during the movie, but in the end it’s Kouji’s honey/apple curry recipe which gets Hiro back on his feet. Minato sees this as a failure on his part. 

If there is ever a scene where anyone is crying (there will be a few more examples of this before the end of SSS) take a look at Leo. If anyone else is crying, it’s basically guaranteed that Leo is also crying too. He doesn’t even know why Minato is crying here!!! LeoooooOOO..............

Everyone always cheers for Taiga here! Good job.

Okay, according to the Part 2 pamphlet, from left to right...

Misaki, Nagisa, Gen, Kou, Shiho. 

They all have sort of marine-related names. (cape, shore, broadside of a ship, sailing, saltwater...)

And these two we already met in Young of Prism. 

(Ushio means tide, Tsubasa means wing....)

I really love the voice work on Shiho here. She really sounds so natural. So cute. Favorite Minato sibling.

I know I said Yukinojo’s grandpa was best King of Prism old man, but I’m not sure anymore. Minato’s grandpa is also in the running ahah. I love his intense drama and yet down to typical old man-ness at the same time. HAVE A FISH.

OVER RAIN

Okay this one is forgivable because he says their abbreviated name “O-Ba-Re” which I always struggle to translate. Usually I just spell it all out or put OtR.

It was established in this episode that Minato can taste when something has been made with love. 

This means that Yamada-san’s ramen noodles were clearly MADE WITH LOVE at least.

I think at one point I posted a shitty out of context spoiler about the DARK HISTORY of Edel Rose. Here you go ahah. 

The cheering audience loves Yukinojo’s reaction here. Everyone be like.... nu nu nu nu nu nu..............

This is the only time I know Taiga has been associated with soba except for when they just kind of decided to make it his food item on Prism Rush........ (because I guess pudding a la mode wasn’t a thing back then..............) 

Minato’s reaction is notably a bit more low key than the other boys during Kakeru’s turn.

Kakeru’s catering WASNT MADE WITH LOVE 

Every time I see this I think to myself that I have got to figure out where this is and go there. But I haven’t yet. 

Shizuoka isn’t that far from me and I go there every few months or so for Love Live stuff or to visit Shizuoka Prism Stone, etc. A few days before Part 2 premiered I was actually in Shizuoka and actually spent a good amount of time thinking of things I might see from Shizuoka in Minato’s episode. I was at a tourist attraction (Izu-Mito Sea Paradise) where I went to the snack bar and noticed they had Mishima croquettes. It was the first time I had heard of them. But I decided on something else instead. 

So every time I see this, I think......... should have got the croquette....... 

(and now I must live with the regret.............. forever......................) 

I talk a lot about how this or that is art in SSS. 

But Minato meeting Kouji REALLY IS ART 

In the stream someone called this a “prismgasm” and now I can’t get that out of my head thanks.................................

I love how Minato is not the first, but SECOND Edel Rose boy just entered into Edel Rose against his will by a family member ahaah. (After Taiga by his sister.) 

Okay so, let’s pause for a minute. 

As you can see here this is a senior high school application. So this means Minato was never in the junior high division of Kakyouin Academy and went straight to senior high. 

If we rewind back to Kakeru’s episode, you’ll remember that there was a flashback where Yukinojo met Kakeru back in the heyday of Edel Rose, and they were both wearing junior high uniforms. So this means that a.) The first member of the seven to enter Edel Rose was probably Yukinojo and b.) Kakeru and Yukinojo are the two who have known each other the longest. 

I don’t think you can make an exact timeline of who joined when, but it’s possible to piece together a rough estimate of the order everyone joined by the end of SSS.

So this actually destroys my headcanon that the reason Minato calls Kakeru “Kazuo” is because they have known each other the longest and he knew him before he was Kakeru. So now I don’t know what to think about that anymore ahah. 

Anyway Minato why are you taking the Shinkansen to Tokyo. It’s only like 3 hours from Shizuoka!!! That is insanely close (...... from my perspective...............) what a waste of money haha. 

Favorite Minato face of all time by far. 

Oh gosh this scene. This scene. Where do I even begin. I love, LOVED seeing this side of Minato. He’s always everyone’s rock (excuse me harbor) so it’s really mindblowing to actually see him all nervous and flustered and just oh gosh it made me love him so much more. 

And not to mention Kouji just dragging a boy he’s known for three seconds to eat a children’s lunch......

Everyone goes nuts for this at cheering and agrees they still want to eat this kind of lunch as an adult. I guess I don’t quite understand because I was never a child in Japan haha. But this was the only moment at the mostly quiet 8am showing (when I saw it for the first time) where I could hear people laughing/freaking out.

I have mentioned this already but I just have to say I really love this line. This moment. This whole concept. Minato can taste love. 

I didn’t think it was noticeable from Young of Prism, but when we actually met all of Minato’s siblings and saw that Tsubasa is basically the only one who doesn’t have a marine color scheme or a directly marine-related name.... Even before this scene in the back of my head I was like..... hm...... 

The least they could have done was given her a marine-themed name geez

I had to go back and slightly change some wording in my Young of Prism translation because of this reveal.

I WAS REALLY EXCITED WHEN I SAW THIS, AND THEN ACTUALLY DISAPPOINTED WHEN KOUJI CAME

I WANTED TO SEE SHIN’S COOKING

SHIN BABY WHAT WERE YOU GONNA COOK

Also his face

It’s not “a” new dorm, he’s probably talking about the new dorm that the new boys still live in (but our seven moved back here by choice in episode 1 remember........)

This is another scene where I’m kinda wondering if this plot thread seems sudden or out of place to people who don’t know the side materials. 

Minato’s confidence issues have come up on Prism Rush several times before, and I was actually waiting the entire episode for it to come up here. 

This episode in particular really requires a lot of extracurricular homework doesn’t it....

I believe this is mistranslated. He used ~すら which I think should be “All I could do is watch......” JLPT N1 textbook grammar Minato why......

The least they could do would be to leave a note that says “Minato” means “harbor” but that’s TOO MUCH TIME I GUESS GOTTA GET THOSE EPISODES OUT IN AN HOUR CHOP CHOP

I really like this speech. It’s shockingly down to earth and refreshing. Especially compared to Kakeru and Yukinojo’s episodes. 

Like the other members of the old dudes club, Minato’s family has a tradition too. But Minato is not particularly expected to carry on that tradition since his family realizes it’s no longer viable 

Instead they encourage Minato to enjoy his youth, find himself, and if he doesn’t become a star that’s OK.... of course he can come home anytime. 

Nrrrgggghhaaaaaa such good supportive parents ahhhhhhh

Been waiting a couple months to read this. In the theater all I can ever catch is Shin’s message. (But still the point comes across.) 

“Well that was fast” - the cheering audience (about the sunrise, ruining this beautiful scene lol)

THIS.... SHOW.........

So, a while back I casually mentioned that Kakeru and Taiga’s prism shows were in my top three. Nobody ever asked what the third one was. But. It was this one. I LOVE this show.

From the very moment Minato looks up at the camera here I just get goosebumps from head to toe, and it just stays throughout the entire show. No other prism show has ever made me feel quite this way. 

So towards the end of the Prism Rush Main Story, there is a chapter where the boys are talking about what they want to accomplish in the Prism King Cup. (This is before they know who will be in it.) Minato has a line where he talks about wanting to perform a show like warm soup or something, and as soon as I saw this show I just immediately remembered that line and thought THATS IT. 

THAT’S IT

ITS SOUP 

Even though there are so many cool colors, somehow, it just makes me feel so.... warm. 

Although it didn’t stay for as aggressively long as Joji’s did, this was the first song from Part 2 which got stuck in my head and it’s just... it’s so nice........

Also, even though I have complained about Minato always getting stuck in chef uniforms for his performance outfits I do kinda like this one. It’s the floating jellyfish scarf thing at the back that makes it I think. (I have no idea how else to describe that.) 

I hope he gets a sailor suit next time though eheh. (I like how Minato has a marine theme now too, not just food. Well, he probably always did but it’s more prominent now.)

So Minato technically lost to Joji, but the individual match-ups mean nothing in the long run. (Except for you know..... the last one...... when it’s down to the wire and each side has put up their strongest member...............if you remember who that match-up is--)

It may not be obvious at first, but Minato’s prism show was pretty low leveled compared to the other boys. 

(He did start doing prism shows later than most of them after all... Um Shin being a special case.) 

He only did two jumps and they weren’t even connected. So that being considered, this score is pretty amazing for him. It makes me think the Shuffle members must only be doing like one jump per show to be scoring in the 7000s geez. 

And thus the curry plot goes full circle. Minato, good for you. 

Thus ends what I know as the Part 2 episodes, and also the halfway mark of the series. (There are 12 episodes in all.) Ready or not, on to Part 3.

I really like and have been looking forward to the Part 3 episodes. I think they are a little better than Part 2, but maybe not quite as good as Part 1. I also think Part 3 is possibly the most heart-wrenching collection.... Leo’s episode in particular, which is coming up next week, I have a very strong and personal reaction to. That combined with feeling the need to point out all the PriPara references may mean my post for next week may take some extra time and be frighteningly long ahah..... ha....... 

[dayna-scully]

ncis/tiva s7 lb

season 3  |  season 4   |  season 5  |  season 6   |  season 8   |  season 9  |  season 10  |  etc

Truth or Consequences

I’ve never really been able to tell whether or not tony was acting in this bit

small muscles, big brain

coffee aficionado and functional mute

it never fails to astound me how much effort media has put into demonizing muslims

I was gonna say it was love driving tony, but I suppose that factors into vengeance

Tony’s full of bs

tony was not dealing well with not having ziva there

we have to deal with the writers pining over Kate for like 11 years but ducky’s over ziva being around after like 2 months? What is wrong with y’all

ziva’s not replaceable

tony, not keeping himself together as well as he used to

even after jeanne he was not so messy

what kind of failure/the kind with casualties

lotta sand

it’s not normal that we haven’t heard from ziva

I swear to god they use my name the most for tertiary characters, there were at least three just last season

I don’t know why they had to make Tony’s trauma fugue funny

neither of them were expecting that

it had to be you

you should not have come

you thought I was dead? then why are you here?

couldn’t live without you, I guess

he couldn’t leave her alone

she is very melodramatic

but so is tony

isn’t that the same “village” tony went to with Nikki

they’re not aliens, tony

stay alive long enough to not get dead 🤔

her own biological father doesn’t love her enough to save her

yeah gibbo!

I don’t understand how he could have possibly got there so fast but ok

I hate group claps

hella cringey

7x02

she’ll call when she’s ready

she looks so much better

bb girl

an angel

sleazeball

why would you egg a church?

why would you tell someone to their face that they’re “damaged goods” what the fuck

long, silent, meaningful eye contact

and mcgee chattering in the background

spots are still to tender for normal verbal barbs

I will be right here

what is wrong with Abby

he did kill Michael partially because he was jealous

mostly to protect her but

SHE IS ASHAMED OF HERSELF WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

no normal person ever calls tony sir

so why are you avoiding tony

it had to be said in the men’s room

and double parked/yes, I noticed

I could not afford to trust you

cue ugly crying

I wonder why he could not look her in the eye

the neck grab is so intimate, and definitely echoes her face touch

waiting in dad’s basement

HE’S HER DAD

ziva’s here

7x03

that is total salami/baloney

ew dinozzo

oh bb ziva

7x04

it looks like a damn teen wolf convention

ziva hasn’t been ziva since we brought her home

everyone just keeps dumping on her

gibbs isn’t acting like he’s on team ziva

at any cost

he’s her dad

I did not mean to live through it

he’s her dad i’m cry

bb probiee

7x05

agent David

personal space

uhhh let me check, ziva?/no

digital images don’t work that way!!!

that’s so high school flirting

I say it with love

prankster probie

7x06

sleepy probiee

who says you have a say

stealing our precious body fluids

wh…what body fluids is ziva stealing from you tony?

ah, shame, my pencil broke

smug lil probie

we have been instructed to sit on the baby

I wanna see ziva with tali 😖

worth is so much hotter with long hair

7x07

normal work partners

that really looks like the diner from bones, and it’s definitely the one they used previously, but I would assume the bones one was on the fox lot? And that cbs wouldn’t have access to it

tony goes on a schpiel about how attractive Kai is and then tells ziva they must be alike

ok tony

you annoy me sometimes/sometimes?/most of the time

why is she nice to you and not to me?

because you’re emotionally repressed and can’t keep your mouth shut dinozzo

hey ziva, what the fuck

does tony have to sit behind ziva to work?

Tony’s jealous of mcgee, he’s jealous of Dunham…he can’t get any and his crush doesn’t seem to like him back

well well well how the turn tables

he cleans up nice/not that nice

he’s not being a big brother ziva

brother-zoned

last thing I need is a chad Dunham

hey ziva what the fuck

why are you looking at Tony’s dick

if you believe in that kind of thing

yeah mcgee a double date

oh mcgoo

7x08

that’s a looong time to be stuck in an elevator

it was either you or the watch

well we could be stuck here with tony

7x09

are you letting some blonde bombshell baste your bird, tony?

you dork!!!

normal

track-tor

I guess?????

I wonder if they styled that girl like flashback!shannon on purpose

ew god why

the favourite gets to ride shotgun

ziva, mean muggin’

aw, happy gibbs is so rare

7x10

yes I’m sure souther California gets a lot of snow

stop making my team fat

with his brother Darrel and his other brother Darrel

including the language of love, ten

those look more like sugar cookies but ok

bullheaded stubbornness

you’re one to talk, z

bah humbog

tearing up cause she’s proud of her boyfriend

7x11

tweeeeeting

perhaps baby bird is ready to leave the nest

jet packs…yeah, it’s gonna be a weird one

we spend a lot of time here, just the three of us

smug!!!

we always get the shots of ziva checkin these dudes out

you’re quoting better off dead, I told you to watch that

McGee is such a dork

fucking adorable

is that, like…necessary

a Thief

oof gibbo be nice

she acts like she hates me, but she talks like she likes me

gibbs has a crush

I don’t speak Canadian

hmm

why can’t shows just shoot pictures instead of photoshopping them badly

7x12

mind your own business/ooh, grouchy

ziva is ziva, nothing to tell

that is too disgusting to translate

why in the world did they ever hire senior

Tony’s REAL dad meeting his bio dad

ugh I hate him

poor tony

you may have to hire someone to protect him from me

gibbs has several children, one of whom is your son

Jetlag

ahhhhh!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! Paris!!!!!!

I slept well last night, why, didn’t you? You certainly looked…comfy enough

oh???? Really????

that is not an innocent face

cute cute cute

we had enough “together”

you askin me on a date, duck?

I think Paris changed her

act natural!!!!!

you’re complementary

are you sure you two never?/no. positive. definitely no.

a good fit

she’s so soft about tony though

even if she is lying about where she slept 👀👀👀

caveman grunts

she adores him

why did you just lie to mcgee?/why’d you lie to Nora?

she’s trying so hard not to blush

his favourite picture

7x14

ugh that’s cringey

well we know his “little dinozzo-makers” survived…

the kids giggling about dad and his crush

TOTALLY NOT EAVESDROPPING

totally innocent

I am going to go…get a haircut

I think technically we own the building

come on ziva

(soft!!!!!)

what salim did was bad enough

I don’t really remember a lot of these episodes

the big tiva ones, yes, but the other ones not really

I guess we just have better nerds than you do

7x15

aww worth bb

I wish they could’ve gotten him to replace dinozzo

“get ziva and dinozzo out of bed”

“individual beds”

EVEN MCGEE THINKS THEYRE SLEEPING TOGETHER

boyfriends

how does ziva know where he sleeps

worth is very werewolf-y

no I was wrong they’re not boyfriends they’re husbands

ziva’s got sex face

Jean jacket ziva 💕💕💕

cutie

don’t be a dick tony

I only have one nose and it’s on my face

jealous tony

yeah whatever, you already slept with my wife

F U!!!!

Tobias dukes-in’ it

i wasnt askin ya!

it’s fun to make tony jealous

7x16

book suppository

our girls

7x17

keep your story straight but not so straight that it’s exactly the same

7x18

I’m glad I wasn’t your valentine/so am I

Casey!!!

but it is the coast guard

she loooves him

you mean he’s deceased, too?

he used to sing with the monkees/real monkeys?

I envy your brain sometimes

ducky’s bow ties are back

movie date!!!

What are you doing with me, watching a movie on a Friday night at work

you are my friend

really/no

both of your “dates” “cancelled” so you…decided to have a date together?

what was she thinking of saying??

she loooves him

7x19

are you two dating now?

a seven year bitch

that was a very bad fake slap

why couldn’t they have had ziva there

ziva is barely in this one

she loves him

things were hanging out? that is disgusting

7x20

once and future king of dorkland

Sand mites might bite

ziva is very proud of her dad

we have hit a shamu

I may have to hurt you

7x21

what would this woman possibly see in you

take ziva with you

ziva’s not used to being the jealous one anymore

tony is being a creepy stalker

Rivera turns out to be a villain, I think

ziva is concerned about tony

I forgot that Obama was president when this would have aired

tony sitting separately says a lot

he would usually be the one beside ziva

tony, being unwarrantedly intimate with a stranger

a quiet bookstore owner as a Russian spy is actually really interesting

7x22

Jamie!

toe cheese

realizing tony and ziva lied about Paris 👀👀👀

oh gibbs

7x23

cowboy gibbs

what are you, anti flan?

ooooh gibbo

oh gibbs

7x24

fathers and daughters

they’re his children, not his coworkers

staring at dad

personal space

ziva bb

looking for her dad and her boyfriend

[mystery-moose]

do u ever think about ravens roost not getting destroyed, and julia and magnus keeping on living in their town? how long do u think it would take for magnus to get his memories back like that? what if he never met merle and taako and it wasnt until the day of story and song?

I don’t know what prompted this but THANKS ANYWAY

/////

“Magnus?”

He was sitting in the mud room, strapping on his boots. The good ones, not the ones he usually wore to town. Rich, thick leather that the salesdwarf had insisted was drakeskin but was probably closer to salamander. Julia had gotten them for his birthday.

“I’ll be back,” he said, not looking up from the buckles. “Soon. I promise.”

“Let me come with.”

He grimaced. Of course she knew where he was going. It had beamed straight into her head, too, hadn’t it? “Jules–”

“You don’t have to go alone.”

“I know, I know that,” he said, standing and grabbing his duster from the the coathook. Stiff and heavy, it was one of the first things he’d purchased when he got to Raven’s Roost. It frayed at the sleeves, the elbows had nearly worn through, and its rust color had long-since faded into a creamy tan. He hadn’t thought anything of the color before today. “But this is – it’s personal.”

“It’s personal for me, too,” she argued, folding her arms. “Or am I not involved?”

Magnus shrugged on his coat and turned to face her. She glared at him like she did whenever he was being particularly stubborn – or when she was about to do something particularly reckless.

He wanted to throw his arms around her, lift her up and kiss her the same way he had for years. But he’d been afraid to, since yesterday. He wasn’t sure what he looked like to her anymore. He wasn’t sure what he looked like to anyone.

Those monsters – the Hunger – had nearly brought down the entire Craftsman’s Corridor. He’d helped fight them off, save lives, and when the Song came, he’d been too caught up in the fight to stop and gather himself.

Once it was over… he’d seen how people were looking at him. His friends. His neighbors. Stephen. Like they didn’t know him at all. Confusion and awe and fear and sadness and even some anger. He’d made one of the relics, after all. How, exactly, was still a bit of a mystery to him; sifting through the massive information dump in his head was still a trial.

He’d slept on the couch last night. Julia hadn’t asked him to, but he had anyway. It didn’t feel right. Nothing felt right. He hoped this would help sort things out in his head.

“Please,” he begged, standing there helplessly. “Please, just – let me do this. I can’t – I don’t know if I could do it, with you there.”

“Do what?”

Magnus opened his mouth, closed it, and shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know. I just know that it’ll only be harder with you there.”

Julia frowned and opened her mouth to argue, but whatever she was about to say caught in her throat. Her hand went up and touched the wooden charm hanging from her necklace; it was a duck.

“I’ll be here when you get back,” she mumbled. “Alright? That’s a promise.”

Before Magnus could answer, she turned and walked away. He felt sick, watching her go. But he knew she always kept her promises.

Magnus picked up the old battleaxe he kept by the front door, unused for years before yesterday, and hooked it into his belt. He turned up the collar of his coat and left the Hammer and Tongs behind him.

There were agents from the so-called “Bureau of Balance” down in Raven’s Roost now, helping to shore up the weakened pillars before they collapsed. They had come down in those glass spheres, in the hours after the attack had ended. Magnus figured he could convince them to let him hitch a ride.

/////

As nervous and uncomfortable as he was, as the sphere drifted slowly up and away from Raven’s Roost, Magnus couldn’t help but gawk out the windows. He wasn’t a wizard, and had little experience with magic, so the whole “flying” thing still held some measure of awe for him.

(No, not true, he was surrounded by wizards on a literal spaceship for a hundred years. This was nothing. This was less than nothing. Wasn’t it?)

“Drink?”

One of the Bureau people held out a flask. Magnus considered the offer for a moment before he decided, fuck it, why not. Maybe it’d calm his nerves some. “Thanks, uh–?”

“Avi,” the man said with a nod.

“From Brandybuck,” Magnus said without thinking.

Avi grinned. He seemed like the type who smiled easily. (Was that part of the Story, too?) “Yeah.”

Magnus took a swig from the flask – it was sweeter than he expected, and didn’t have much burn. Not quite mead, but close enough for jazz. “Magnus,” he said, handing it back.

“From space.”

He should have smiled at that. Instead, Magnus winced. “Yeah.”

Avi winced back, sympathetically. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s–” Magnus sighed. “I guess it’s something I’m gonna have to get used to, now.”

“Your family make it out okay?”

“Yeah.”

Avi blew out a breath, relieved. “That’s good.”

“How’s the, uh. The whole moon-based secret organization doing?”

“Busy,” said Avi. “Lotta cleanup. Lotta work left to do.”

“Still working?”

“Yep.” Avi took a swig from his flask and screwed the cap back on. “Of course, some folks don’t exactly have anywhere else to go, y’know?”

Magnus settled back in his seat. He looked down and watched Raven’s Roost rapidly shrink away beneath them.

“Not really,” he mumbled.

/////

Even in the wrecked and ruined state it was in, the Bureau was a marvel of arcane art and magitechnology. From the cannons that fired their glass capsules, to the alchemical lights that lined every wall and corridor, to the sliding doors to every room. Magnus marveled at the grass (pockmarked with smoking craters) and the trees (several of which were burned or broken or uprooted) and the smooth white dome-shaped buildings that lined the quad (half of them with massive structural damage). Any other day, he would have spent hours exploring the place.

Today, he just felt sick.

Avi led him, without being asked, to one particular dome with its ceiling blown out. It had an atrium with a dais and a throne, a door in the back, and a glass window on the right that showed a blank white chamber with an empty metal sphere inside. The floor and walls were scorched almost pitch black, only a handful of spots left unburned.

“She’ll be here in a second,” Avi said, and left Magnus there to wait.

Magnus spent a minute pacing around the room, toeing at the rubble and kicking at debris. He was a little surprised no one had cleaned up the place yet. But he guessed that there were more important things to do.

There was a broken wand in the corner, by a charred and mangled set of furniture that might have been a table and chairs, once. It sat in a clear patch of ground, and had survived whatever fire had flooded the place. He wondered how that happened.

(Lup loved fire. She sculpted it like fine art. It danced around her friends and engulfed her foes, without fail. Never even singed a hair on his head – unless she wanted it to.)

“Oh my god.”

Magnus turned around, and his whole world went sideways.

She was so much older, now. Older than he’d expected. Older than she should be. Her hair was still white, but shorter, cut close. Her robe was the wrong color, and her eyes, still big and expressive, were edged with wrinkles that spoke more of worry than laughter.

(She should be his age, even younger, with longer hair. Not too long, she always hated a high maintenance look, but longer. And blue wasn’t her color, he can’t remember ever seeing her in blue; reds, of course, greens or purples or yellows, but never blue.)

“Lucretia,” he said, and it sounded so strange in his voice. Like he was out of practice.

She rushed forward and threw her arms around him. And Magnus, who had never once turned down a hug in his life, simply stood there and took it.

And that’s when he realized he was angry.

“I didn’t know if you were alive,” she said into his shoulder. “I hoped, but I didn’t–”

She froze. His lack of reciprocation had not gone unnoticed. She pulled away and took a step back, concern and uncertainty all over her face.

“What’s wrong?”

Magnus almost couldn’t believe she had the nerve to ask.

“How could you?” he growled.

“Magnus, I–”

“You threw me away. You threw all of us away.”

“I didn’t, I–”

“How could you?” he repeated more forcefully.

Lucretia stared at him, examined his face. And now she didn’t recognize him anymore, either.

“You were miserable,” she said quietly. “Dying. You were all dying, watching this world crumble around you and I just wanted to–”

“You took me from my family!” Magnus shouted, smacking his hand against his chest. “You took me from everything that mattered to me!”

Lucretia’s mouth opened and closed, searching for something to say. “…I just wanted you to be happy.”

“And I was!” Magnus shouted at her. “I was happy! I was so fucking happy there were times I couldn’t even think straight! And now it’s gone!”

Her eyes widened, and the color nearly drained from her face. “Gone?”

“Gone,” he said, and jabbed his finger at his head. “Because now I know I spent ten years in my own little world while the people I loved suffered. Ten years! I could have helped you research the Light, or Taako and Barry find Lup, or – or – something!”

“Magnus–”

“Do you have any idea what that’s like?” he said, pacing away from her towards the windowed chamber. “To just suddenly know that there are people out there that you love, who needed you, and you did nothing? For everyone else, who thought they knew you, to look at you and suddenly see a complete stranger?”

“That’s–” Behind him, he heard Lucretia stifle a sob. “It’s not your fault, Magnus.”

His hands became fists, nails biting into his palms.

“You’re right,” he said. “It’s not.”

Silence. Magnus saw Lucretia’s reflection in glass. Hand over her mouth and one arm wrapped around her waist, like she was holding herself together. He closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath.

(They were friends, dear friends, and they relied on each other a lot in those early years. He was take-charge while she was overly cautious, and she was calm and rational while he was anything but. But for all his bravado, and all her composure, they were still just a couple of kids in over their heads. They understood each other when it seemed like no one else did.)

“There’s a room in the dormitories for you,” Lucretia said, her voice distant. “Avi can show you there. If you want.”

Magnus felt his stomach churn again. He crossed his arms and scowled at nothing. “I’ve got someone waiting.”

“Oh,” she said, sounding somewhere between surprised and relieved and despondent all at once. “That’s good.”

Another silence. Magnus hated this. Magnus hated himself, for coming here, for saying what he said, for failing to remember even though he knew it was impossible. Magnus hated her, too, but with every passing second, that hate was waning. He wasn’t sure he wanted it to.

“There’s work to do,” Lucretia said slowly. “If there’s anything else you need, then… you know where to find me.”

Magnus said nothing. He opened his eyes and watched Lucretia’s reflection turn away, towards the door in the back. She stopped, looked over her shoulder – not at him, but at some spot on the ground a few meters to his left.

“I’m so happy you’re alive, Magnus.”

And then she left.

/////

Magnus walked the Bureau aimlessly. Tight, winding corridors led to large, open-air rooms. A large cafeteria was wrecked and empty, the wall-spanning picture window out to the quad shattered. Dozens, maybe hundreds of people went about their business around him. Some of them stared at him as he passed, whispered to their companions. A few even followed him for a bit, though they didn’t try and talk to him. But most were too consumed with their own business to pay him much mind. The world was a shambles, and there was work to do.

He had done what he came here to do, he thought, but he wasn’t ready to leave. He realized he should probably ask for directions, but he didn’t; he was in a terrible mood, and he always shut up and refused to talk when he was in a bad mood. Jules gave him hell for it, because clamming up and stewing in your own misery never helped anyone, but it was a hard habit to break.

(He’d done it for years before anyone noticed. Taako, of all people, had been the one to get him to quit it; every time he’d go quiet, Taako would needle him relentlessly, building up pressure until he either exploded and felt worse or gave in and confessed what was bothering him. Taako took either outcome in stride, of course, and was a better listener than Magnus expected – his disaffected air and general lack of tact let him cut right through the bullshit.)

What kind of person was Magnus Burnsides now? What habits did he have, and which had he already broken?

“Magnus?”

Magnus blinked and realized he was on the quad, over by a still-intact railing at the edge. Beneath them, the Sword Coast stretched out from horizon to horizon. You could almost see the curvature of the planet from up here. He looked over his shoulder.

“Holy shit.”

He looked like hell. His beard was tangled, the hair he still had on his head pulled back into a messy bun. His hands were dirty, covered in something dark that Magnus hoped wasn’t blood but knew probably was; healers were likely in high demand at the moment. Clutched between two of his fingers was a lit cigarette trailing a thin stream of smoke (he would smoke cloves or tobacco, but preferred whatever equivalent of weed he could find on whatever plane they landed on) and the old sandals on his feet were coming apart.

And he was missing an arm and an eye.

(They were about forty years in or so. Some creature, a shapeshifter or doppelganger, had tried to impersonate Merle, get its way onto the ship. Magnus had seen through it immediately – Merle’s eyes were unmistakable. They blinked happily and twinkled with mischief and lit up when he was about to tell a particularly awful joke. There was a light in there that couldn’t be replicated by anything without his spirit.)

Magnus was shocked. Scared. He was trying to find words when Merle bounded up and yanked him down into a hug.

“My god, kid,” Merle said, sounding like he was about to cry. “It’s good to see you.”

“Merle–” His voice caught in his throat. “I didn’t know, I’m sorry–”

“Sorry?”

Merle pulled away, brow furrowed. And Magnus realized he hadn’t just lost an eye – the other was dimmer, duller than before. The color faded, just enough to notice. His nausea returned in force.

“I didn’t remember,” he said. “I couldn’t help you, and I wasn’t here, and I would have been if I’d known, I swear–”

“Hey, hey, heyyyy,” Merle said soothingly, squeezing his shoulders. “Calm down. Shit. What’s got your goat, big guy?”

“I just–” He looked down at Merle’s wooden arm. A small branch with a leaf on it quivered in the breeze. “If I’d been here, maybe–”

“What, this?” Merle regarded his wooden hand, the fingers flexing, creaking gently. “You can’t blame yourself for this one, Magnus. This here was a classic Merle fuck-up.”

“But–”

“I said quit it, kid,” Merle said with a shove of his shoulder. He grinned and shrugged. “I’m alive, ain’t I? Can’t ask for much more than that.”

You really can, Magnus thought, but didn’t say. “What happened?”

“Oh, long story,” Merle drawled. “Long and dumb and a little embarrassing. C’mon, I’ll fix us some drinks and fill ya in. You still prefer whiskey?”

“Yeah,” Magnus said, surprised even though he shouldn’t be.

“Well, too bad, because all I’ve got is bourbon!” Merle said with a laugh, clapping him on the shoulder. “But we could raid Taako’s stash, if you picked up a taste for wine.”

“Taako’s here?”

“Think so,” Merle said, leading the way across the quad. “He might be out right now, helpin’ Barry and Lup deal with some, uh, negotiations that gotta take place.”

Magnus reeled. “Is everyone – what about Davenport?”

“Oh, he’s definitely down on the surface. Talkin’ with that Neverwinter big-shot, Sterling, about where we should be helping next.” Merle shook his head and sighed. “Cap’n hasn’t given himself a moment to rest since the shit hit the fan.”

Merle led him into a dome, and crossed a corridor to an elevator. The music that played as they descended reminded Magnus distinctly of the Song, and he realized he knew the source.

“Johann’s dead, isn’t he?”

The smiled disappeared from Merle’s face. He nodded solemnly. “Yeah.”

“And Fisher?”

Merle reached over and squeezed Magnus’ forearm. “Fisher made it out just fine, kid. Them and their kid ghosted after they sent out that broadcast. Not sure where to, but Barry said they were alive and well.”

A small weight lifted itself from Magnus’ heart, only to be replaced by another pang of regret. He wondered if Fisher had missed him.

The elevator doors opened and Merle stepped out. Down a short hallway was a single door. Merle fished around his pockets for a key, then gave up and kicked it in.

“Lock’s been half-busted since the attack anyway,” he explained, leading Magnus into a large suite. He kicked off his sandals by the door and headed further in.

There was a carpet half-covering a glass porthole in the floor that looked down on the Sword Coast below. The window was cracked, but intact. It was in a small pit in the center of the room, surrounded by a pair of curved sofas and with a glass coffee table sitting atop it. In the back, a dining table with seats for eight next to a short hallway leading to what must be the bedrooms, and to the right, an open-air kitchen that Merle was walking towards.

“Think Barry’s got beer in the fridge,” he said. “That alright?”

“Fine,” Magnus said, hanging by the door. He always felt a little awkward in someone else’s home.

Merle noticed. “Sit down, Magnus,” he called out from beyond the counter. “Get comfy. This story’s gonna take a while.”

Magnus walked over and plopped down onto the couch. Before Merle could return, one of the hallway doors opened.

He walked in in a set of bedraggled pajamas – a white, long-sleeved dress shirt that was a bit too big on him, and a pair of neon-yellow shorts. He had no jewelry, which threw Magnus a bit, and his hair was tied back too messy to be anything but an afterthought. And there was something about his face… something off, something changed, impossible to place but undeniably different.

(Magnus’ first impression had been vain and arrogant and self-absorbed, and to be sure, all those things were true. But there was a surprising charm to that prickly facade that didn’t take long to reveal itself. He was confident, yes, but that confidence was earned. Vain, sure, but not for anyone but himself. And while he was slow to trust, Magnus learned that once someone wormed their way into his heart, there was no one more loyal – or more viciously, violently protective – than Taako.)

Magnus got up from the sofa as Taako stood frozen in the hallway, eyes wide. Magnus forced a smile and waved awkwardly.

“Hi.”

Taako didn’t react. He started walking towards him, around the sofa, gaining speed until he reached Magnus and threw his arms around him. Distantly, Magnus was aware that this sort of open display of affection was uncommon for Taako, and that made it worth far, far more.

“Hey, buddy,” Magnus said quietly, arms wrapped around him.

“Hey, dullard.”

Magnus laughed a little. Taako pulled away and put his hands on Magnus’ face, turning his head this way and that.

“God, you got old. And what’s this?” Taako said, indicating the scar over his eye. “You go off and do something stupid without us?”

Another pang in Magnus’ gut. He ignored it. “You should see the other guy.”

“’Bout time you woke up,” Merle said, returning from the kitchen with a pair of bottles in his hands. “Gonna play a little catch-up. You wanna join in?”

Taako leaned past Magnus. “Not if you’re drinking that shit. Get the wine. It’s in the cabinet.”

“You get it! I just got these!”

“And I’m overcome with emotion after this touching reunion!” Taako said, pressing a hand to his chest. “You’d really tear me away from this beautiful moment?”

Merle rolled his eyes and sighed heavily, setting down the beers and wandering back to the kitchen. Taako smirked, smug and victorious. Magnus laughed again, a little amazed at how easy it came.

“It’s really good to see you again, Taako,” he said. “Like, really.”

Taako’s smirk softened around the edges. “Likewise, my dude.”

He held up a fist. Instantly, Magnus knocked it with his own, sending them into a short routine they’d perfected somewhere around their thirty-ninth year. It wasn’t as smooth as it used to be, but Magnus figured they were both out of practice.

“Alright, numbnuts, here’s your wine,” Merle said, setting the bottle and a wine flute down on the table. “Pour it your own damn self.”

Taako grinned and snatched them up, then plopped down onto the sofa, taking up the maximum amount of space possible. Magnus had to sidle over to sit back down, and Merle hopped up next to him and handed him a beer.

“Lup and Barry still out?” Merle asked.

Taako uncorked the wine with a pop. “Yeah, the boytoy’s still workin’ things out with his boss.”

“You found Lup?” Magnus asked.

“More like she found me,” Taako said cryptically, pouring himself an altogether too-full glass. “But oh no, I ain’t startin’ this train. That’s on you.”

“Me?”

“Shyeah, my dude. Where you been? What’s your life been like?” Taako crossed his legs and lounged back against the cushions. “Guarantee it hasn’t been worse than mine.”

“Hey, I lost an arm!” Merle protested. “And an eye!”

“Still think I’m in the lead.”

“Yeah, you would.”

Taako flipped Merle the bird as he took a swig of wine. Magnus laughed, again, even though it wasn’t that funny. Even though he should be sick with shame, with regret, with worry, with anger, with all sorts of things.

But he had found his friends. His family. After all this time. And despite absolutely everything, if he closed his eyes, it was almost like nothing had changed at all.

/////

He told them everything. About Raven’s Roost, and Stephen, and Julia. About Kalen, about the rebellion, about how he’d almost lost everything. About his life there, simple and happy and unassuming, now a bit upset by everyone knowing he was a heroic space alien. And they, in turn, told him – about the relics, about the lie of the Bureau of Balance, about the cave with the vault and the boy on the train and crystal kingdom and the time-sick town. About Wonderland – and he nearly was sick when they told him about their sacrifices – and about their final fight, and their final victory.

The sun had set by the time they finished. Magnus knew he couldn’t stay. He told them to come and visit, soon – preferably with Lup and Barry in tow, and this boy detective that Taako seemed surprisingly attached to – and they promised they would. Magnus left the suite pleasantly drunk, almost giddy with happiness, the exact opposite of how he’d felt that morning.

He knew who Magnus Burnsides was, now. Or he was starting to. It turned out he wasn’t that different.

And on his way out, he realized he had to make up for something.

/////

Magnus opened the door to the Hammer and Tongs. “I’m back,” he called, shrugging out of his coat.

Julia was there in seconds, charging down the stairs. “What happened? How’d it go? How’d–”

She went quiet when Magnus stepped aside to hang his coat on the hook. He followed her gaze past him to Lucretia, standing awkwardly in the doorway, hands clasped by her waist.

“I, uh, probably should have called ahead,” Magnus admitted with a nervous smile. “Is a guest for dinner okay?”

[illfigureitoutasigoalong]

being there

i was born alone and i will die alone. i have to find a way to romanticize this.

i’ve had an interesting day. i was fine with it until about 5 minutes ago. we carved pumpkins with CL and liam. CL randomly left in the middle of us carving? did not tell anyone he was leaving, just straight up left. at first it really pissed me off but then again he wasn’t raised to be any better than that. i really wonder why CJL and the whole lewis family acts the way they do. where did they go wrong? we were so close once. i digress.

i saw a tumblr post a while back that said something like “i learned a lot about being a friend when i was alone.” it really stuck with me. and now i know why.

anyway the reason i came to my realization: a few weeks ago i was up late and i shed a tear because i love my sister so much. like i truly feel like she is my soul mate (not in a gross creepy romantic way) but i just have a hard time believing i will feel as close to anyone ever as i will feel to her. i have to stop this feeling. because i know she doesn’t feel the same way. it’s not that shes trying to be cruel or intentionally mean, i just really feel as though she simply does not have the capacity to feel that way about me.

she is reserving this feeling for a lover. i literally just realized this, even though i have been putting this together for a few days. 

she told me in the car today when we were having a heart to heart “the other day when you told me you cried cause you love me so much? i love you to death but i’ve never done that.” and it hurt??? like she didn’t say it or mean it in a mean way but i was kind of gutted. and yesterday we were in the kroger parking lot and someone posted on IG “what is the best non sexual act of intimacy you can think of?” and she said “dying of laughter together, or basically everything we (as in she and i) do together but with a boyfriend.”  which is fine! but now it all makes sense.

i used to think all the time to myself “i don’t need anyone, not friends, not a girlfriend or partner, no one else. as long as i have my sister.” but i can’t feel that way anymore. recently as she has had health issues i think about what i would do if i lost her. i feel like i would die too. in a literal sense. but she wouldn’t if she lost me. she has said so. “it would be hard, but i would keep going.”

i’ve never felt so lonely. even when i was in college and i didn’t have friends, or during breakups i always felt her by my side and knew i wasn’t truly alone because i fooled myself into thinking that she felt a connection to me in the same degree. but that isn’t true. god, i feel so.... gutted. i know i used that word already but its how i feel. empty on the inside in the worst way. i feel like i know something now that has changed me. and not for the better.

she is very naive. and when she thinks of love and relationships it’s a very pie in the sky all or nothing kind of thing. she expects her future husband or boyfriend to suddenly fall into place in her life and complete her. and while i definitely hope that happens, it takes work. it takes time. it won’t be perfect in the beginning and all the time. there is no one magical man out there that is absolutely perfect for her in every way. not to say theres no guy out there who loves sports, and tennis shoes, and jesus and respecting women, but also his feet may stink, and his mom may be a bitch, and he might have weird tendencies. 

but shes never been in a relationship so she wouldn’t know that. and i could never tell her because she wouldn’t accept that information from me. she sees me as someone who wouldnt understand because ive been in long term relationships. don’t get me wrong, back when relationships were a far distant concept to me, i too felt that way. when i was a lot younger i thought that when i had a girlfriend everything would magically be perfect. and it doesn’t work that way. not by a long shot. in fact most of the time having a gf made me feel worse in some respects. so.

when i first came out, her reaction hurt me the most. i had never seen firsthand how selfish she could be. and what’s worse is my mom said that it was actually me who was selfish and terrible. she viewed it as me “doing this to our family” and betraying my sister and taking something from her because i was dating her friend. it wasnt until almost 4 years later when i broke up with s, that things feel normal again. who even knows what will happen when i date someone new and they have no excuse not to like her.

not to mention, ever since that moment, when i realized that my sister could never be happy for me getting married or having those kinds of life milstones, i always hoped and prayed that the rest of the “sterotypical life events” would happen to her first. because i know for sure she wouldn’t be able to be happy for me without being sad for herself. i knew she would cry at my wedding because she’s not married, i knew she would be sad for me having kids because she wouldn’t have kids of her own (if that kind of thing would happen to me first). even when i was dating s, i refrained from taking photos, not because i was worried about what people i know would say on social media, but because i didn’t want my sister to see it and resent me.

that has to stop. i can’t keep doing it. i always silence myself in order to make my family comfortable. especially when it comes to me being gay. i don’t watch my tiktoks out loud, i don’t talk about my favorite books and shows and movies because they are all gay. i censor myself in a weird way and they don’t even know i’m doing it. it fucking sucks. and for what? it’s literally not helping anyone.

anyway back to my point. i have to start living for only myself. because i’m all i have.

from here on out, i am doing what i want, especially in terms of my apartment.

on december 1, I am applying to live at marshall. i am buying whatever i want for my place and saving up my money. i’m gonna fill my home with the gayest shit imaginable. this whole time i’ve been refraining from buying things because casey hasn’t even thought that far in advance. oh fucking well. learn to grow up. i feel like she won’t even think about the practicalities of moving until january. but i will be fucking ready.

tomorrow i am going to do things for me to make me feel better. i’m going to go get a bagel and i’m going to dress up for my costume and take photos. i’m going to make molds and sell them. i’m going to pay my taxes. i’m going shopping. i’m going to start living my life the way that i want to because i deserve to. no one who has the amazing things ive been blessed with should be as unhappy as i am.

[rqs902]

now im watching last week’s ep of tco4 bc i havent had time to get to it yet and i need to take my mind off snzm 

UGH its sad to hear xy, fsc and xiao huang talking about their rankings rip but their laughing makes it even more sad

UGH NOT FRUIT PLANET I REALLY LIKE THEMMMM sigh i gotta face the reality that theyre likely gonna get separated... but PLEASE AT LEAST SOMEONE SAVE XIAO ZHI PLEASE THATS ALL I ASK, im not gonna be greedy :(

oof i respect ma zhe saying that he doesnt want to win bc he recognizes other kids like FRUIT PLANET KIDS, zy and xiao zhi, are so skilled. he knows winning is just a numbers game and would not serve as proof of his skill. thats a tough place to be in, and it isnt uncommon but i think i rarely hear a contestant say it like that. “i dont want to win bc im not worthy” “i dont want to win bc i know im not as talented” 

wow i was a little confused as to why they were doing these solo spotlights but actually this is really nice! its nice to see them really going hard at their strengths and really pouring their all in to show off a bit. it can be hard to do so in a group setting all the time, and really it reminds you that there a lot of really talented musicians among these kids. i think itll also be good to remind the kids who are picking later what the other kids’ skills are and what they’re capable of. 

oh whoa i thought about there only being 2 bassists, i didnt realize there are only 2 pianists too

hm maybe im just biased but i thought xiao li’s playing was a litttleee bit cleaner than szb’s heheh but i respect that they attempted to even play a duet from across the room, thats a challenge 

i respect muji’s playing 

LOL why do xiao huang and zhao ke’s voices singing together sound so strange to me LOL 

LOL switch to ljt’s group and im just !!!!! HIS VOICE !!!! I LOVE LIAO JUNTAO’S VOICEEE and also the cafe vibe is so him LOL this group is so him

wait so someone explain to me why ljt wasnt in the solo section? is he considered a vocal? but what about his guitar skills?? 

im kinda sad jym isnt smiling when drumming anymore :\ 

YAY FRUIT PLANET !! i love how happy xiao zhi and wsh look when playing hahah 

AW talking about xiao zhi being like a dad and 包容 and taking care of them im ughhhh UGH THIS IS A MINI XIAO ZHI FEATURE IM CRYINGGGG THIS CHILD DESERVES THIS “the one who’s left standing when everyone else falls down” hes just so supportive and warm.. ugh watching him break down crying thinking about all he couldve done better and you can tell he feel so guilty and blames himself that fruit planet isnt doing well

HAHAHAHA EVERYONE WANTS XIAO ZHI !!! except szb lol but at least i know if they do get disbanded, hopefully xiao zhi will still be safe :’) im glad they all recognize his talent and the importance of having a bassist!!! 

oof xiao xiong talking about hyt being overbearing and reminding him of his ANGRY DAD thats a big ouch. it is true that xiao xiong’s skill level may not be up to hyt’s standards, but i can see hyt doesnt respect him enough as a team member. the more familiar hyt gets with him, the more he isnt afraid to show his true feelings of frustration. esp bc theyre in such a stressful situation, it must be rough as a leader. also seems rough for xiao li to be stuck in between this. from the beginning hyt has shown himself to have high standards and he demands high quality so he isnt gonna be the soft, encouraging leader xiao xiong probably would prefer, unfortunately. ouch the way hyt straight up says “this is going to be painful” like theres nothing he can do about it and they just have to accept it. like ps says, he’s not good at understanding other people’s feelings, like he doesnt seem to be willing to try to understand xiao xiong’s. 

the way hyt lists what other people are doing and then asks xiao xiong “那你呢?” ouch........ that seems really mean? manipulative? harsh? but at the same time, we dont really know all the context so this is just want tencent wants us to think.

hyt also wants xiao zhi???? I cant imagine xiao zhi in this group, even tho itd probably be good for his possible debuting prospects, but xiao zhi gives me such a laid back, warm, taking care of everyone, creating a nice, supportive environment type of leader, and this group is literally the opposite of that??? ugh and yet, despite their superior group environment, fruit planet is at risk of getting disbanded... so sad. 

man with the way these votes are trending hyt is gonna win and ljt wont debut? :(

lol tencent cutting the speeches of less popular contestants not surprised 

wait wat. isnt qiang ge very popular??? what happened to his votes? wait what. im confused. what???

LOL FRUIT PLANET IS SAFE IM SO RELIEVED HAHAH okay i know i came into this show for ljt but xiao zhi has become one of my picks too, i cant deny anymore LOL and also xiao li -- but hyt’s group’s dynamic makes me feel uncomfortable at the moment. but yea ljt, xiao zhi, xiao li are my top 3... too bad they DEF wont be in the same group / wouldnt mesh well in a group together LOL 

i love fruit planet group dynamic :’) watching them talk to each other just makes me smile

OH MY GOODNESS XIAO LI IS LEAVING?????? i can understand though, this grouping is not ideal from a music making standpoint either, like why are there so many vocalists lol but also i respect that hes putting his music first and he knows what he wants and needs for his music. even if it means leaving hyt who is basically a guarantee for popularity on this show. im so surprised xiao xiong isnt saying he will leave too.. or even hyt himself at this point. theyre all just... crying.... but honestly how can they make music without xiao li??? 

AWH my heart.... xiao li asking xiao xiong “你會恨我嗎?” i have never felt “do you hate me” hit me in the feels like this before. its such an OOF. and xiao xiong saying hes super close to xiao li, you can tell hes been under such emotional duress and xiao li has supported him through and now hes just conflicted between betraying hyt (who he wouldnt be here without) and suffering with hyt without xiao li there to help. this is so sad to watch..... ok but honestly just seeing how in this emotional time, ma zhe and xiao xiong are talking to xiao li and NOT hyt says something about how theyre afraid to touch him. 

what xiao li says about hyt being kidnapped by his popularity makes so much sense, with what hyt said about chasing after his expectations and trying to live up to them. hes really not relaxed. ever. and i think thats what xiao li doesnt want to work with. i respect that he wants to be recognized for his music rather than just be recognized. 

wat is this show doing why did they just stop and let them wallow in their feelings for hours??? wtf?? i mean i appreciate they respect that its a difficult and important decision but shouldnt they make them move on more efficiently?? what a waste of everyone’s time...

lol hyt learning some eq? yes you have to take care of your group members’ feelings, theyre people....

L O L XIAO LI GOING BACK ON HIS DECISION IM DYINGG HAHHAHAHAHHAHA WHAT A WASTE OF EVERYONES TIME HAHAHHAHA WHAT IS THIS SHOW. but okay yes i respect xiao li for having the guts to say he wants to leave, bc that hopefully gave hyt the wake up call he needed. BUT ALSO i do think staying with hyt makes sense career-wise. gaining popularity first isnt a bad thing. and he can always (continue to) prove his worth and make all different types of songs in the future, whether during or after his time with hyt. but staying with hyt = exposure, and thats never a bad thing. its just... hopefully they can resolve their emotional issues from here on out.

technically the smart move is to pick a popular contestant like zhao ke, to boost your group’s popularity overall. BUT hyt is so popular it really doesnt matter LOL 

L O L xiao li being like well i cant get the group i want anyway, so idgaf lets just keep on “戲劇化” HAHAHAHHA he gives no effs anymore

but also i cant imagine them with another non-instrumentalist LOL and what kind of style will they have now? 

ok wait let me go back to look at this:

hm yea the only other person of choice that would be helpful for votes is qiang ge. but i also cant imagine him on fruit planet???? ugh i wonder if qiang ge turned them down bc he feels like he’d ruin them like he blames himself for ruining his past groups. 

i cant believe xiao li said he tried to talk to qiang ge for 3 hours until 6am... to convince him to come to fruit planet? wild. 

UGH so sad that fruit planet didnt get a successful pick but honestly i am kinda glad mty didnt agree bc i kinda really would like to continue seeing xiao zhi play bass..... but ofc i guess it would be nice for him to show other skills too, ah im conflicted. but he really looks so carefree and like hes having so much fun when playing bass, id hate to take that away

LOL BASICALLY SZB CONFESSING TO MUJI HAHAHHAHAHA IS THIS A HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA ALL THE SUDDEN HAHAHHAHA actually i havent seen them interact before but i can kinda see muji’s personality meshing with their group’s, like hes kinda quirky and strange too LOL its cool they do get along tho

OOF SO MANY REJECTIONS. but also muji’s right, last time he wasnt strong enough, so i respect that hes really trying this time. 

omg szb throwing a tantrum and trying to force muji’s hand is not very respectful to muji’s wishes and it makes muji look like a bad guy :( im glad muji’s standing his ground tho, this is not the time to indulge a child’s tantrum lol

on the bright side, i love xiao zhi’s laugh, so at least we got something out of this LOL

LOL xy so easily pulling fsc over LOL why cant they all be like this LOL save tencent editing time LOL 

i knew there were too many emotions on ljt’s team........ i cant believe as soon as szb is like marginally okay, jym is like NOPE....... L O L 

.....i cant believe..... they’re just.... cutting it off...... like this....... WHAT IS THIS SHOW AHHAHAHAH okayyyyyyyyyyyy thennnnnnnn 

oof wasnt 車站 ljt’s last song before elimination? i just got hit with a wave of sadness and memories oof i wasnt ready 

man its so interesting bc i feel like on other shows, the contestants are always like “i dont want to get eliminated!” but here its like “i dont feel like i can fit into their music, id rather be eliminated.” its an interestingly different type of setting. i respect that they respect their own music, but i guess theyre not thinking enough about their future career progression? if they really want to make it in the music industry? idk. its interesting bc i feel like ljt has struggled so hard since getting eliminated from the first season that i assume / hope he has more of a mindset of wanting to make it to the end.

anyway im kinda surprised fruit planet made it so high LOL but yay for them, i really wonder what will happen with them picking their 5th member. im surprised qiang ge’s votes are so low? itll be sad if he really leaves though. ugh only 2 out of 4 groups successfully regrouped and one of them took an extra 2 hours to decide.... lol. i still dont understand why that was allowed in the first place but okay. this is the most struggle elimination ep ive ever seen LOL 

[pacman-tattoo]

Hi! I have a headcanon request- how would Sincerely Three interact with their soulmates in the AU where whatever one person writes on themselves would show up on the other's skin? Thanks so much!

omg this is cute and u said soulmate au and im automatically in love

gonna put this under a readmore

also im assuming u mean x reader but if u want like, actual ship Sincerely Three (because i love them a lot tbh), just ask again and be like ‘tris ur dumb’

evan hansen

alright so u met evan once after u kept scribbling little notes to yourself like “work on english paper” and “buy more pens” 

eventually that stuff got smudged and u forgot until all of a sudden there was a “did you do your english paper?” in small, neat handwriting

:0

no, but thank you!

it basically becomes just little reminders to each other and then u just kinda realize

u dont even know ur soulmates name

so u introduce urself and evan responds back with his name and

its kind of familiar???

huh

where do u know this oven handsoap evan hansen

shrug

‘evan?’

‘h-here’

oh my god what the fuck he’s been in ur math class all year how the FUCK did you not notice

‘[y/n]?’

‘uh, here’

evan and u make eye contact because wait.

‘it u’

after class u two introduce urselves to each other formally tbh

jareds jealous btw because wow evan found his soulmate wtf

evan sometimes scribbles on his arm sometime to remember stuff

sometimes u doodle on urself and evan finds it cute like, no matter how good or bad it is??

imagine like

in the future

moving in together

sometimes u go grocery shopping and u just have evans neat lil handwriting on ur arm of everything u need to get

sometimes u get lil ‘i love you’s on ur arm after a while??? and its rly sweet??? bless

evan tends to write in blue ink btw

usually light blue if he can but dark/regular blue ink is also fine

u caught him once doodling a tree on his arm.

why was he doodling a tree? heck if u know

u just caught the tree on ur arm and ur like ‘fuck thats adorable’

jared kleinman

u and jared probably met when u two were like, 13, since jared was probably drawing on himself or some shit and u were like ‘kleinman i fucking see u, stop drawing dicks’

he snorted a lil and then had to pretend he wasnt doing shit when ppl looked his way

13 year old boys tho, guys gals n nonbinary pals.

u two probably clicked pretty quickly

u dont end up dating until like, sophomore year tbh

but after that u two are inseparable

“charge ur phone, idiot”

“shut up kleinman”

“love u”

“love u too dumbass”

jared would 100% be the person who would just start writing on himself and then he sees ur not replying so he just texts u 

“write back”

he has drawn at least one (1) meme on himself

just

u fuckin look down and theres a fucking meme on ur arm

“jared im gonna fucking kill u”

ok but just casual little messages to each other

ur going over to jareds? u get a note on ur arm thats basically “get more gummy bears” or some shit

evan just watches u and jared furiously writing on urselves

what are u two even saying

he doesn’t know

he just knows that u two go through pens rly quickly

everyone knows

u two go to the store and argue about what color pens u wanna buy

playing lil games like hangman on urselves tho

connor murphy

can i just link maia’s soulmate au because nothing i say can top it because its a really realyl fucking beautiful piece of writing and i love it a lot and y’all should read it. heck, ask me and i’ll link u to it and her account if u dont know her already (she’s on hiatus as of rn i believe but her writing is

no? okay

so connor strikes me as the kind of person who just draws on himself because paying attention??? no

who pays attention anymore

not connor

so u just get doodles. so many doodles.

u dont rly mind

its cool

connors surprised that he has a soulmate bc eventually u write back a ‘i like ur art’

connor’s actually in ur english class.  which is the only class he doesn’t doodle on himself

ok do urself a favor and stop reading and go read maia’s soulmate au because its a thousand times better than anything i can come up with

thank u

dumb 3 am talks

dumb reminders to each other

dumb doodles 

u write little reminders to him a lot more than he does u

ok but seriously go read maia’s soulmate au because its perfect

heck

ask me

and i will straight up link it to u

bonus! all three ;)

so one day u notice theres writing on your hand. it’s a little smudged and it’s basically like “ask mom for refill on pills” or something small like that and ur like ‘huh’

u dont write back to that specific one at first but later u looked at ur hand and saw that whatever ink the person had been using is much more smudged and ur like ‘huh i wonder if they ever got their meds’

so u write down ur forearm asking

immediately theres a ‘what? i dont take meds’ in very quick, neat handwriting

and ur just like ?? before theres… more handwriting that actually matches the question from earlier

‘no, i didn’t! thank you’

‘wait evan what the fuck’

‘that wasnt you?’

‘no’

‘or connor?’

… evan??? connor????

theres a brief period where no one writes anything

then all of a sudden u get a “so who the fuck are u”

“[y/n]”

ok.

yall kind of assign ink colors just so u all know whos writing what sometimes

like, yeah handwriting but its easier just to know ‘oh, connor is trying to say something’ bc theres purple ink on ur arm

connor is purple, jared is green, evan is blue

ur ink tends to be red

dumb writing at 2 am

its mainly between u and connor and sometimes jared

but sometimes evan writes

usually he’s asleep tho

why dont u kids text

for the au.

thats the only reason

its basically chaos

u… actually live away from them and one weekend ur like ’fuck it, im driving out to meet these losers’

so u tell em

holy shit ur coming to meet them

:0 so they offer to meet u somewhere???

a la mode

best ice cream 

bless

so u punch it into google maps and an hour later u see like

three fucking nerds standing around outside

ur sitting in ur car

so u just write

‘hey fuckfaces’

they just

all look around like ‘wtf’

u get out of the car

formal introductions

they’re all???? cute??? is this fuckn legal

they… look like how they write?

does that make sense

like. evan’s handwriting is small and neat and kinda smudgy at times - and he just… looks like a nervous bean to you. jared’s is quick and sloppy and ends up taking more space than a paragraph from connor does - and jared looks like the sort of dude full of personality. connor’s handwriting is small and runs together and kinda unreadable sometimes and it just

they look like how they write

its weird idk

u all end up getting ice cream and talking

finally u guys actually like

exchange numbers

since u keep getting shit about ink poisoning

so sometimes u will drive out to see these dorks

what kind of luck did u have that you ended up only a town away tbh

uh

general headcanons

warmest cuddle sessions

dumb notes to each other

includes memes

‘jared just text it-’ ‘no’

u just get ‘come visit us u fuck’ on ur arm once

writing on urselves when ur all int he same room

and literally sitting right next to each other

zoe walked in and she’s just like ‘… okay.’

u have a bad day? u take a nap

u wake up and theres a lot of just lil lovely things written on ur arms???

sweet dorks

(and at least 1 meme)

(because theres always 1 meme)

thats all i got

[lilbabygirlliv16]

It’s so crazy how people just go about their lives like they didn’t break us and tear our hearts out. It’s so crazy that someone can come into your life and fuck things up so much you don’t even recognize yourself in the mirror anymore. And the worst part is that they know exactly what they are doing but they genuinely just don’t care. He was like that. He was the kind of guy who would become obsessed with the chase. But you couldn’t be too easy, if you were too easy to catch he would consider you not worth his time. That kinda girl was boring to him. But you also couldn’t be too hard to get because then you’re “too aggressive” and that’s the perfect way to scare away a guy like him. Everything was a game to him like every person he encountered was some type of a new challenge. Every conversation, every interaction, always had to be some exciting twisted game. He was always in control. The ball was always in his court. And man was he good at his game. Everything about him intrigued the fuck outta me from the moment I saw him. I still remember it like it happened the other day. It’s so strange how certain people leave their mark on you. It’s like when people talk about how they remember exactly where they were and what they were doing when something traumatic happens. It was like that. I remember that day perfectly. It was like as soon as I laid eyes on him I just knew this was gonna be someone I needed/wanted in my life. Whenever he was around I couldn’t think straight or stand still or act normal lmaoo he made me so nervous and he knew it too. He liked the control he had over me. I don’t believe in love at first sight but I do believe in lust at first sight and that’s the only way I know how to describe it. It sounds so weird but the way I felt when I first saw him, I’ve never felt that way about anyone. At least not that strongly. I don’t know how to describe it. It was like everything in me was drawn to him. Every cell in my body was telling me that I had to know him. I had to have him in my life and it didn’t matter how hard I tried to not be attracted to him. I still was. The way he looked, his style, his taste in music, his hobbies, just everything. We were so similar in ways but then so opposite in others. And everytime he hurt me I felt like I was breaking like physically falling apart. I tried so hard to act like I was invincible and that nothing he did could ever hurt me. It didn’t matter if I wasn’t enough for him because he kept coming back so that had to mean something right? It doesn’t, for the record. So yeah I was literally a hopeless little fool and I fell into every trap and lie and the way I felt for him was so intense and unexpected & it just about broke me at the end of it all. Idk how or when it happend but over time he stole my confidence, smile, heart, peace of mind, just about everything if we are being honest. Did just about the most fucked up things a guy like him can do to a girl like me. I got so far gone. I turned into this clone. This version of myself I was pretending to be so the popular guy might give me the time of day. I ended up doing so many things the real me wouldn’t do. I genuinely became something ill never let myself become again. I wasn’t ready for him back then. I was too nieve. I look back at all the times I should’ve been the better & smarter person I am today and not let every little fucked up thing he did cut me like a knife. I was too fragile. Too sensitive. Too real. Too lost already. He was just another fucked up variable. But I couldn’t get away from him. We always found a way back to each other. Until the final straw, the last blow. It took so much for me to realize he wasnt shit. Before I met him my shell was a little rough around the edges and some cracks here and there but at the actual end of it all I felt utterly broken. Pieces of me skattered and scrambled like the pieces to one of those really complex puzzle sets that take hours on end to put back together. But you can’t put a puzzle back together if there are missing and broken pieces.

[cryingovernarry]

i realized i never actually never share anything about me on this website, like, i never really write about stuff thats happened/is happening in my life or about stuff i like and whatever. and like. im the type who’s great at oversharing (shitposting) lmao but apparently never on tumblr i guess?? its not important but yeah i just realized it. ive had this account since april 2012 i think? never made any friends on here tbh i just exist in the background quietly liking or reblogging stuff, and never do anymore than that. and no one will actually care or read this so MIGHT AS WELL am i right ladies and gents and non-binary friends. so heres some good and shitty stuff thats happened in my life

2017 was a good concert year for me i think (please bear with me ive got bad memory) (thx depression) i finally saw ed sheeran (one of the best concerts ive been to even if the people next to us kept talking throughout the whole concert) then i saw shawn mendes (hes baby) i went and saw little mix all by myself (snatched that barricade too!!) it was incredible and i miss them. i was lucky enough to see niall and harry too on their tours and ill never get over that. oh, and niall retweeted one of my tweets so thats something. (im trying to play it cool bc its been over two years it Should Not make me Feel Like This anymore right) i also went to germany in 2016 on december 31st to celebrate new years with my friend who i met through the internet (thanks internet) and i stayed there for a week (shouldve known itd go all downhill after that)

so, while concert-life was on top, my personal life was at bottom and it would only get worse in 2018. 

early 2017 my mom started to feel...sick. her body was hurting all the time. she was in so much pain without knowing why. apparently she had some kind of rare blood disease. it all went so...fast. suddenly she was in and out of hospitals, she got worse, the pain even more worse. some days she could barely walk and all she could do was cry. it’s horrible seeing your own mom like that. knowing there was nothing you could do. i did my best though, i moved back home to help her with my siblings becuase their father is a piece of shit who never helped my mom even if she was sick. she was at her lowest and he didnt care and he only made her worse. but i took on the responsibility of taking care of my younger siblings, and mom. as much as i could. while my older sister came home almost every weekend so she could help too. our grandma did her best too. we all tried so much to help mom. 

in september my mom called from the hospital. she told me her disease has turned into leukemia. this was the first time i cried with my mom. 

she did all kinds of chemo, got isolated at the hospital. wasn’t allowed to go out or sometimes even see her own kids. my sister and i took turns staying with her at the hospital though. i think the longest i stayed with her at the hospital was two weeks straight. 

when the results of her last chemo came back the doctor said the cancer hadnt gone down as much as they had hoped. they said my mom could do one last chemo but that was it, if the cancer wasnt gone after that there would be nothing more they could do to help my mom. because her body wouldnt be able to handle anymore. my mom was a fucking fighter, she had no hesitation about it. 

she was allowed to come home for christmas and the new years. no one knew it would be our last one with her. 

it turned into 2018 and she handled her last chemo pretty well. didnt affect her as much as the others had. she was allowed to come home for the weekend in february. she was so happy to see her kids again. she felt good. but she wasn’t. she really wasn’t. i think that weekend was the worst in my life. 

on march 20th, 2018. after a month of being in a coma, she passed away in her sleep. my wonderful mom, who fought to get better for her kids, who had been suffering for a year, finally got to rest. she wasn’t in pain anymore. 

seeing your mom taking her last breath really fucks you up in some type of way. 

she left six kids behind her. 

my mom always supported me going to concerts. she’s a big music fan herself and she knew how much going to concerts meant to me. always got excited when i told her about them, always listened to me. always listened when i played her new songs or albums. two days before her passing i saw harry styles in concert, tickets bought months before. i wasn’t sure i was even going, but i knew mom would’ve wanted to so i did. i wasn’t at my best during that concert, sat down for most of it but i cannot explain how much seeing harry meant to me. he really helped me feeling better for some hours, made me laugh and smile. i’ll always be grateful for that.  a month after my moms passing i had tickets for another concert, that was for niall horan. i really didn’t think i would be able to handle it, but i did it for mom. knew she would’ve wanted me to go. my friend was a great distraction, and we also met some lovely people in the line and i was so grateful. i will always be thankful for niall, even if he made me cry during flicker. he really helped me too, without knowing. saw 5sos too after three years at the end of the year, with my childhood best friend who i hadn’t seen in over a year. concerts really is the best medicine. at least for me.

i felt so lost without my mom, i still feel that way. some days i have a hard time believing she’s actually gone. your mom isn’t supposed to die when your’re twenty one. she’s supposed to be there next to you while you’re trying to figure out your life. 

i’m gonna be honest with you, i don’t really remember most of 2018. and i don’t think i actually want to remember either. 

2019 has been slightly better so far. saw disney on ice (incredible). in april we finally went to london. something my mom had always wanted too, so i took the necklace i got her years ago and brought it with me to london so at least a piece of her would be there too with us. 

on the first day my older sister and i saw shawn (hes still baby). we also went to madame tussauds (finally met one direction yall), went on london eye, walked to the buckingham palace. took a bus to warner bros studio tour of harry potter. that was fucking incredible. drank disgusting butterbeer. london felt like a dream. 

-

i still don’t know what to do with my life, i don’t really have any dreams. im currently living with my grandma and she really doesnt want me to move out lmao. and i feel bad for leaving her

-

so that’s it i guess. hi everyone who hopefully didn’t read any of this. my names amanda and my lifes a mess and all tangled up but that’s okay. thats what everyone says. gotta focus on the good things happening in your life. and don’t take your family and friends for granted. please. 

also heres my face ft. my harrys tour tshirt. be nice please. okay bye.

[lueluepanue-blog]

"You're not perfect either."

This is what youd always try and point out to me almost every argument. This is what you tried to point out to me post breakup when I tried to get you to once see you were wrong. The thing is, everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. The thing is, is theres a difference between what I “Did” to you and you to me. Yes. I was messy. Yes, I could have cooked more often. And then there’s the “controling” card you try and throw out as well. Controlling even though I endlessly gave you what you wanted or id never hear the end of it. And even if it bothered me inside-such as having sleepovers with girls youve slept with, or whatever it was that was “controlling”- I gave you what it was that you wanted cause my feelings were always underneath yours. The thing is, is i didnt pinch or squeeze you as hard as I could if I heard something or you said something I didnt like in front of friends and even family. I didnt get drunk and when wed get home id be throwing up or lose the soul in my eyes black out and choke you- (More then one occasion.) I didnt complain about everything you do for me. Wether it was the clothes i bought you, the phone my grandmother bought you, trips Id planned, dinners I bought, where we lived (especially with my family, even though we were homeless), trying to cheer you up constantly cause you were always mad or bothered by something… you were never grateful, always had a negative comment, always a flaw with what was being done for you. Nothing was good enough. I didnt take my anger out on you day in and day out. If you were grumpy you made sure I was grumpy too. And I’d try and reverse the anger by making you smile over and over. But youd get meaner and meaner hurting me and my feelings. I didnt hurt your feelings constantly or shun you away from kisses and hugs. And when my feelings were hurt and you were clearly in the wrong itd take me a good 3 hours to go through why you owe me and apology and what you did wrong. And even still most times you saw nothing wrong with your behavior in which id finally break down with panic attack telling you that you continuously hurt me and that you needed to change only for you to finally say sorry after crushing me down to the point where sorry should have been said so long ago it didnt mean anything. You said sorry too late too many times. Sometimes if I were lucky you’d acknowledge you knew you had a problem and that you couldn’t help it but that you loved me and if I loved you id put up with it. Making me believe it was okay for someone who says they love someone to treat them like that and that i had to basically be okay with how i was treated. Remember I was told by you I couldn’t drive the car for two years. Yet bitched cause you had to drive me everywhere. Remember how we always listened to your music? And not mine? Cause if it were something I wanted to listen to, or watch on tv you acted rude and huffed and puffed because you wanted to listen to your music. I never was continuously late to pick you up from work. Or forgot you cause I was too drunk at the bar. (Happened one time, regardless, you were 2 and half hours late and drunk at the bar before you even realized I was done with work). You were a nice drunk. Except for when you were alone with me. I never said things to embarrass you or upset you in front of family and friends on purpose if i were mad. I never left you during our relationship and fucked an ex and you at the same time telling both i loved them. I never kissed your mom drunk, or made out with people at the bar drunk then make an excuse for it. I never blatantly hit on your mom in front of you. I never pushed you in front of your mother either. I never stopped giving you attention, or stopped wanting to play. I NEVER. It goes on and on. There’s a difference between things people should work on to improve their relationship and straight up mental and physical abuse. “You act like I beat you.”-your words. Okay so because you didnt kick the shit out of me its not abuse? Pinching? Slapping? Choking? Squeezing? “You act like I did it all the time”- your words. Okay so because it didnt happen everyday the damage it caused my heart and mind is irrelevant? And then there’s the emotional abuse. Putting me down about being bisexual. Questioning me to the point no matter what answer i gave it upset you even if it were the truth. Calling me a whore. (Even though you slept with more people) ….**makes alot of sense*** telling me im disgusting over my past or shame me. Telling me i need to stop eating cause I was getting “big”. Justifying hurting my feelings in any shape or form making me believe i was worthless. In what right mind does someone get to hurt someone’s feelings and then get mad at them for getting upset about it. Oh dear my love I could go on and on. Mentally id rather take 12 punches to the face than deal with the mental side of abuse. So, finally one day I gained courage to leave the woman im in love with. I told you itd happen eventually over and over. That id take everything and end it. And that would make you mad. Shame on me for giving countless opportunities to turn everything around grow old with me. Shame on me for trying and fighting for as long as I could and finally breaking from the pain. So I left. And instead of saying to yourself I could have my home and family back if I changed my behavior towards my fiance, you were mad cause I took it away. And even still, I offered to help you out. I said all we needed was some space and for you to get back on track and wed be fine. But no. I was still the monster. I was a “whore” for sleeping with people who at the time hadnt even been slept with. I hadnt even slept with anyone and you were sending nudes and sexting on day three or four. I was a bitch and a cunt for leaving you with “nothing.” Instead of fixing the problem, you pushed me farther away. You were drinking every night. Threatening your life and threatening to crash my car. Name calling. Doing everything opposite of what a person would do if they were to actually fix things. So I started taking away my help. Stopped talking to you as often cause I didn’t want to be put down any longer. Everytime I tried after breaking up youd lash out and be mean and then clam down and tell me youd fix it. Except I had heard it a million times over. Heaven forbid i wanted you to prove for once you meant it. Once I became silent waiting for you, you started the statuses. Degrading me. Making me seem crazy. Making it look like it was me all along. And i wanted to kill myself. How could one person put me through so much and then make the public believe I was the one in the wrong. Then I got the apologies after you knew deep down you were gonna kill me. Then I got the kisses when i saw you again. Then I got the care and love i wanted when i saw you. But it seemed fake. I was so used to you hurting me i didnt believe you when you briefly gave me love those couple of times. After I wanted to die i was so numb and stripped of myself i slept with others. I started to lose hope in us. I wanted attention. And love. I wanted to feel anything other than what I was. And i closed you out still hoping youd eventually come knocking on my door to lift me up and kiss me telling me it was all gonna be okay now. Hoping you would have fought for us. Fixed your mistakes. Hoping id be able to have my family back together and that you truly loved me. After sleeping with them you sort of tried still. New girl was already relevant in your life at this point too. I wasn’t concerned though. You were giving me somewhat of what i wanted with her there. Kisses. Misses. Got a job. I thought you were finally getting it. I was ready for you to come home. And then you cut me cold. Told me I could have had you. Told me it was because I slept with others even though you were loving on me after that. Even though you were sleeping around too. Told me I couldn’t have you and it was my fault. Told me you were moving on with her. Little did i know you were with her long before my knowledge and still giving me false hope. According to facts she was your girlfriend may 11th just wasnt publicly announced. It took you only from the last week of march to the second week of may to forget all about 2 years of family and someone who really loved you. 7 weeks to move on. Meanst the whole time bitched at me for “moving on and seeing others” when im the one who stayed single and faithful to our family and youre the one who moved on. The one who moved on when they were the one who caused the problem. How humiliating for me. How unloved and forgotten and betrayed I felt. I had faith in you and us even after all the pain i was caused and I got shit on. How disappointing, I thought our love was real. I thought instead of finding a new girl to love youd wipe the tears from the one whos done everything for you, your family, and fix the broken. How unimportant and small i felt. How worthless and not speacial you showed me I was. And then I wanted to die all over again. My whole belief in anything and everything was crumbled. I spent two years trying to make it work for us. Gave everything I had in me to fight for us. Meanst while getting fucked in the head and hurt repeatedly. And i wasn’t even worth one attempt. I begged for you to realize. Begged for us. Begged for you to realize I was suffocating and the pain was all so much dying would have been easier. Mentally after everything i was fucked up in the head. Who wouldn’t Be? That’s when you told me “I need professional help and that I was sick.” Dear God, but boy oh boy you never saw you were the one who caused it. You never saw you should have fixed it. All you saw was me breaking down and that it was “my fault” cause I could have had you. I was nothing to you anymore. My screams for you to come home were just annoying noise and I “wasn’t” your baby anymore so you let me burn. And you watched. “You weren’t there for me when i wanted to die”-your words. Heaven forbid i told you i want a break and for once let you live with what you did. Thinking youd take me seriously about our relationship. You never did. You let it slip away. “Why would you wanna be with me if it was that bad and we always fought.”-your words. The answer is simple. I love you. I love all the good and the bad. I love the way you were when you weren’t treating me horribly. I even love your mental illness. However, I don’t love abuse. Mental or physical. I always told you I don’t want to change who you are, I want you to change how you treat me. And that was too hard for you. You didnt want to. And then I realized after all this you hadn’t fixed anything. You quit your job. You blamed me for us not being together. You got a new girl. And you ran away from your problems. All along the only reason I wanted you back was for the sake of I was seeing some improvements. And boy was I wrong after being shit on. Now i don’t know if you ever truly loved me or are capable of love. If you can do it to me- someone who loved you truly so much and did everything for you who you say you love- then youll do it to anybody, anyone. You see, I know you so well, I was the one person who saw your flaws knew to put you in your place, continued to try for us regardless, and at the end of the day still loved you and knew deep down you were better than it, and had faith in you even still. How sad to have let me get to this point. To push me aside. To disregard everything ive done, and spend the rest of life without me. And yet id still let you come back and always will. BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE UP ON PEOPLE OR LOVE JUST BECAUSE IT’S TOUGH. And maybe youll never realize, and maybe you will. And if you do, youll know what you have to do to truly make it right. And if you dont, that is a damn shame for you. And for myself.

Tonight I put these words visibly and clearly for my love. For myself. For us. For family.

I love you more than you will ever be able to comprehend. I miss you with every cell in my body. I see you in everything and everywhere I go.

However, I am strong. Please know its okay to be wrong

[tumblunni]

Baron omatsuri and the secret island traumatizes me yet again, hooray!

Ok wow that was a nostalgia blast! Finally goddamn have a physical copy of this thing to own. Its never been dubbed and the only way to get it was this weird manga UK licensed reprint of a bunch of (i think) hong kong english subtitles. The style of the subtitles looks like that, at least. Its all weird and grainy and very very old fashioned early days of subtitling style, which contrasts completely with the modern dvd menus and box and stuff. And its also a weird combination disc of four different movies, it seems they just bought out a licensing package deal or something? And just baked it onto the disc without checking or editing anything. Its not really a funny sort of bad subtitles though, its just awkward phrasings of thibgs that are hard to understand or random typos or whatever, no legendarily hilarious stuff. I kinda dislike it more when subtitles are like this, when theyre like...actually written by a guy who speaks fluent english but he just never watched the actual movie so theres a bunch of rookie mistakes. Also has a strange case of what you usually only see on fansubs- the obsession with leaving everything in japanese to Sound Cool. Nah we cant call them the Tea Party Pirates we have to say the japanese word for that. Nah we cant have this man say mustache when he's doing the mustache pose and talking about his crew of entirely mustache men who all do this mustache pose NO it has to be Chobehige because its somehow deep and edgy to not understand the word for mustache. Like i feel if i was watching this sub first i would have no idea what was happening! At least its not as bad as that older sub i saw where they insisted on translating friends as "crew", even when it was llike..a singular. This one man is my crew and here are all my other crews! Like i feel like that subber probably originally did that dumb old fandom thing of INSISTING that you had to say Nakama in japanese and Capitalized and it was a Very Important japanese word for specifically pirate friends that was Impossible To Translate. And then they just did a ctrl + F replace on the whole thing and made an incomprehensible mess. Also for some reason sanji just yells DOCTOR out of nowhere (chopper wasnt even in the scene) and baron omatsuri's one syllable "oh" is translated as some long string of what seems to be baseball jargon..?

But ANYWAY the movie is still fuckin awesome and i actually noticed EVEN MORE dark shit and subtle storytelling that i missed when i was a kid! The whole 'small child zombie stares blankly at the place where a sword stabbed through his chest and cant understand why he got back up' scene is EVEN MORE emotionally destructuve than i thought! Cos the subtlety of the voiceacting seems to make the poor kid sound so tired and resigned to it? He's desperately asking and his father figure feeds him the same old lies he's done a million times about how he's totally still alive and everything is fine. Like wow i missed that inplication that this has happened before! And then he kinda sounds like he's actually aware that Baron is lying and he's just pretending to believe him to make him feel better. And then he starts turning back into a corpse and he doesnt panic like muchigoro or not realize whats happening like the grandpas do. He just looks straight at his hand falling apart and tries to lie to Baron to make him feel better. *long shot of him from behind before you see whats happened* "I'm just feeling dizzy again. I've got used to it." *him staring blankly at his body falling apart, not even capable of feeling sad about it anymore* "Don't worry...i've got used to it." *thud*

Like FUCKING HELL this film is the best damn existential horror thing ever and why the FUCK did they market it as a fun happy kids film? it probably would have been way more successful if the twist wasnt kept all twisty, honestly.

And also WOW YEAH theres a lot of stuff thats the subtlest goddamn storytelling in the universe and youd never notice unless you watched this film a million times like i did! Like during the intro when everythibg still seems all fun and cute and normal, the advert for the Totally Innocent Not A Trap Super Secret Island Resort is being read over some random shots of waves and stuff. But then right near the end you see those same shots again and it becomes clear that it was literally the view from Baron's eyes as he was falling from the ship and drowning, desperately trying to keep his head above water and strain his eyes to see if anyone else had survived. All the moments that just looked like camera cuts were actually when his head fell beneath the waves. Thats fuckin amaizng you straight up showed the ending in the beginning and we didnt notice????

Oh and also right before THE FUCKIN TERRIFYING MUCHIGORO DEATH SCENE you see him casually mention being 'sleepy' a few scenes earlier. It just passes by without notice and you think that he's just drunk until he suddenly starts going from comedic slurring to fucking asphixiating and the SKIN ON HIS FINGERS PEELING OFF. Oh hey! Another thing i didnt notice before! FUCKING THAT. A fun game for you on your rewatch! Looking out to find the secret finger horror! Ha ha ha...ha...

Also MAN OH WOW all the subtle signs of Baron getting more desparate throughout the movie and how it seems the time limit for the zombies was almost up and he had to kill these specific pirates right now because he couldnt spare even a few more hours. In retrospect it makes sense how he was slipping up and leaving evidence for the heroes to figure him out. And its just so subtly offputting and strange how he goes from making a big fun performance about the festival early on and then starts subtky rushing through the formalities faster. Like you dont eveb conciously notice the tone is changing until suddenly BAM the full change happens and you realise you missed all those signs! And aaaa its so fuckin sad how you see him come running when muchigoro drops dead and he's like fuckin GET OUT OF THE WAY DAMMIT and kneels down next to the body and theb he just..turns emotionless again and goes ITS TIME FOR THE NEXT CHALLENGE. It is time. Its now. Shut the fuck up and do it, i dont have time to deal with this shit, just die so i can bring my friend back. (Tho of course you dont know thats why at the time) And then whats most jarring about the whole scene to me is how he's like "okay fuck it theres no more fun theres no more attractions, if youre not gonna play along then the final game is just i shoot your damn head off" WHILE YKNOW STILL STANDING OVER THE CORPSE OF HIS FRIEND AND STARING DAGGERS INTO THEM LIKE ITS THEIR FAULT FOR DARING TO CLING ONTO LIFE and then a fuckin half finished hapoy fun carnival game sign pops up in the backgroubd and everyone walks past it. Why was that somehow both hilarious and terrifying????? Just fuckin 'whoops we had this thing ready to go but alright its murder time i guess' and everyone IS SUDDENLY PACKING HEAT AND RIDDLING OUR HEROES WITH BULLETS???

And also even more subtly Baron just?? Stays with muchigoro?? Like notice how the entirety of the endgame takes place around where the dude dropped dead. And how when mustache pirate guy saves luffy you see Baron just walking in circles around the same area angrily shooting arrows at nothing in complete desperation even though the dude is gone and itd make more sense to run after him. No he stays standing right there and actually looks really damn relieved when luffy comes back, he's like 'holy shit you really were stupid enough to walk right into my trap jesus christ im so glad but also youre a dumbass'. And he fights entirely using arrows at this point so you might not even notice that he barely walks more than just circling a two meter radius of fuckin DEAD BEST FRIEND CORPSE. Which btw blends intonthe shadows for this entire scene and they only draw attention it again after Baron wibs and muchigoro comes back to life. And UGH MY HEART you see him smile genuinely for the firstvtime and he's like 'im so glad youre okay' and muchigoro is like 'haha im more than okay i can do somersaults!' and generally being a FUCKING TREASURE and this poor fuckin horrible evil man is hugging his buddy and gently leading him away from the battlefield so he doesnt norice he was just fuckin murdering some dudes to ressurect him. God the scariest damn thing about this film is how the zombies dont know theyre zombies and honestky they probably wouldnt even agree with their boss's plan to kill people to keep them alive. They justvthink they live a perfectly normal happy life on hapoy festival island, and he wants them to stay that way and never feel pain again :(

Aaaaand then yeah the infamous scene of revealing this horrifying intestines flower is growing out of the flesh on his back and all the corpses its digesting are pushed against the undulating flesh of its throat like a snake devouring its prey. And its cutesy fake flower face grows infinate eyes as it just keeps laughing and laughing. And then it gets graphically blown apart and the poor goddamn parasite host tries to shove the bloody instestines back into its body, knowing that without this horrifying monster chewing on his goddamn veins all his friends will go back to being dead.

THE END

THE FUCKING END

God it ends so abruptly seriously

I still cry my eyes out every time at the ending monologue of Baron dying and meeting all the souls of his dead friends and theyre crying telling him he shouldnt be here, they wish he'd been able to find another reason to live without him...

And then THE END

JAUNTY MUSIC OVER THE CREDITS

THE FUCKIN END I GUESS

What a great but very oddly executed movie. Seriously i feel it could have worked better if it was given space to breathe and more deeply explore the dark themes rather than the weirdness of trying to fool the audience into thinking it was cheerful and innocent. Like all of this shit happens in the last 30 minutes of the movie! They spend 60 minutes on the fun carnival games! What a strange sense of priorities!!

I WOULD DEVOUR A MILLION HOURS MORE OF DEEP SAD ZOMBIE CONTENT

I am like the Lily of fanfics

Oh yeah btw the horrifying deadly elder god spine parasite thing is named Lily and it looks pretty much exactly like flowey from undertale. This film kinda spoiled me for that game LOL ive never trusted a single talking flower ever since!