#realizing my family is just. finally adjusting to the fact that i am the way that i am

[nonamefangirl]

i’m 3 hours late in my time zone but happy new year friends

[tomorrowxtogether]

SOOBIN: “I thought I should just try to shine as I am.”

TOMORROW X TOGETHER The Star Chapter: SANCTUARY comeback interview

2024.11.11

He once strived to become a lush, towering forest. But he realized that people will love him for exactly what he is—a deep, rolling ocean. And so, he decided to remain as whom he always has been: an ocean named SOOBIN.

You took a trip to Vietnam earlier this year with BEOMGYU. I heard you planned the whole thing. SOOBIN: I’m usually the kind of person who just goes around without a real plan, but since we don’t get much vacation time, I figured we’d better go all out and do everything we could in one go, so I tried planning it all out. (laughs) BEOMGYU just wanted to go with the flow, but there was a ton of stuff I wanted to do.

I’m sure it’s not easy taking a trip or spending your off time with the same people you spend all your time with. SOOBIN: I hang out a lot with the rest of the group on my own time too, though. Three of us were all hanging out together just yesterday. To be perfectly honest, it doesn’t feel like anything special since we’re always together 365 days a year, but I’m also most comfortable around them for the same reason.

Sometimes people start bickering with each other when they get too comfortable with one another, but you’re always so kind—like how you gifted BEOMGYU with a nap in that “The Perfect Way to Rest” video when you remembered he was feeling tired. SOOBIN: I think I’m good at picking up on things. I don’t know if I can do it with everyone, but at least with the other members of the group, I’m pretty good at telling how they’re feeling or if they’re not feeling well. As soon as I see one of them, I can tell, Oh, he looks a little rough today, or, He’s sure in a good mood today. (laughs) If they seem down, I go over to them to find out what’s wrong and talk it over.

Your kindness also comes across when you’re with animals, like in the “OUR TOMORROW” video, where you took care of one dog who was so nervous that it didn’t get a chance to eat any treats. Have you always been drawn to people and creatures that are small and left out? SOOBIN: So, so much. In fact, I was really shy and struggled to fit in when I was a trainee. I was really lonely at first. So when time passed and I finally got accustomed to things, if I saw another trainee who was shy and couldn’t adjust, I felt like looking out for them. Kai was among them. (laughs) That’s how I ended up becoming really close with him.

You talked about the cat your sister adopted recently, explaining how it used to be shy because it had a hard life in the past but that it finally opened up this year. SOOBIN: I went to see the cat when my sister first got it, but I couldn’t even see it that first time—it just hid under the couch. It was so shy that I thought I’d never get to pet it, but the last time I saw it, it came right up to me and started purring, wanting to be petted. It was able to overcome its painful past and open up to my family thanks to all the love they show looking after it. Love really does have the power to change anything. (laughs)

You also said on weverse LIVE recently that you made a new friend who you can talk about dramas, movies, and books with. SOOBIN: For me, dramas and movies don’t end with watching them—after you’re done watching, that’s when things are just getting started. I always look up reviews and analyses online. People can watch the same thing and they’ll all have their own thoughts on it, so I’m curious about all those different views, and now I have someone to talk about that with. They know a lot more about books and movies than I do, so I end up learning a lot when we’re sharing our thoughts together. Just having a friend to share my interests with is really fun.

You mentioned talking about Inside Out 2, and you looked at how it features a place to store things you’ve heard that you want to keep for a long time, which got you thinking about what sort of things you would want to hold onto. SOOBIN: I kept recalling things my friends say after we hang out—things like, “SOOBIN, I’m so happy we’re friends,” and, “I feel great whenever I’m with you.” Hearing things like that really touches my heart. Seriously, how often do you get to hear things like that in life? I used to find expressing things like that awkward and weird, but thanks to my friends, I’m getting used to saying I love and appreciate people. You empathized with how Anxiety works harder and feels more anxious than others because they want to be good at things. Are there things you feel you should work harder at than other people? SOOBIN: I’m actually slower at learning choreography compared to the other members. I assumed I’d get a lot better after debuting and regularly performing onstage, but progress was slower than I expected. I didn’t say anything about this before, and I even kept it a secret from the other members, but I actually got separate choreo lessons on the side when we were doing “Chasing That Feeling” and “Deja Vu.” We’d take lessons as a group, and then once I was alone I’d always spend about an hour dancing and working on the little details. I tried so hard with those two most recent songs that I even practiced on my own like that. Seeing as I’m slow, I have to work harder to keep up with the other members. If I have more time, I want to practice more for this comeback, too.

With all the touring you’ve done and the encore performances you have coming up, it must’ve been really hectic getting ready for your Star Chapter: SANCTUARY comeback. SOOBIN: The schedule was really tight this time around—we even had to record vocals in Japan in the middle of the tour since we were in and out of the country—but now that we’re in our sixth year, the five of us were all really fast about things. I could sense that we had grown compared to before since we were faster at recording than we could’ve expected to be in the past and it took us less time to work out the details of the choreography.

The album’s subtitle, SANCTUARY, is a word that’s appeared in TOMORROW X TOGETHER albums before. What’s been your sanctuary these days? SOOBIN: I never used to have a sanctuary, which made getting through tough times hard, but I do now: simple things like working out or reading. It feels like the things that break me away from overthinking and let me immerse myself in something else are my sanctuary.

You were complimented on your previous promotions for your improved vocals and high notes. What about on this album? SOOBIN: Actually, every other album we’ve done had a song in a genre I wasn’t confident in, but not this time. The single “Over The Moon” is really laid-back, and I felt like it was perfect timing for us to try out a song like that. What’s unfortunate is that I caught this horrendous cold during recording. We started practicing for live performances recently, and the director said, “SOOBIN’s singing better than he did when recording. He makes it sound effortless.” So I couldn’t help but think about how much better I could’ve done if only my throat had been in better shape.

You always focus a lot on lyrics. Were there any on this album that have stuck with you in particular? SOOBIN: This album isn’t so much about telling some big, sweeping story as it is about everything we’ve been through together. Now that we’ve been through all that chaos, it’s about the universal emotion of love, which everyone can relate to, and I liked that about it. There’s a line in “Higher Than Heaven” that sticks with me that goes, “I think I kinda get what forever means now.” I even once said, “I never used to believe in the word ‘forever,’ but I think I can now, thanks to our fans.” I didn’t write that part, but it’s like it was written to perfectly capture my feelings.

The other members have probably had an impact on your belief in the word “forever,” too. SOOBIN: I’m pretty sure we’re going to grow old together and that we’ll be together till the day I die. We do the same thing and basically live the same life day in and day out, so we know what makes each other cry the most during concerts, too. Whether it’s my tears of happiness or BEOMGYU’s tears of disappointment from a leg injury, having friends to understand and share those feelings with is nice. They’re all just really kind people—calm and clear, like a stream. None of us is domineering or splashing around, disturbing the peace, and nobody’s dirtying the water, so I think we’ll be able to stick together for a long, long time.

You said before that you had found being onstage tough while touring. Now that you’ve already wrapped up your third world tour, do you still find that to be the case? SOOBIN: I think I’m getting better over time. I still can’t say that I completely enjoy myself, but the worries I used to have before going onstage have gone away entirely. There used to be times where I found it hard to watch myself onstage because I didn’t like how I looked, but now I see myself up there and I think I look cool. (laughs)

The way you have a different outfit on for every sound check when you’re on tour is definitely cool. SOOBIN: For fans who come even though they’re busy, showing up hours before the concert just to wait, doing it purely out of love, I wanted to be more stylish, so I bought a lot of clothes just for sound checks. The glasses-plus-cardigan combo was something I bought in advance for summer, and the reaction from the audience was amazing! They showed me on the big screen and MOA was screaming their lungs out—like, not the usual “wow,” but, “aah!” Like shock and awe. (laughs) I was worried I went overboard with the look, but they showed they liked it, so I was happy.

There’s no way not to bring up your cover of the Choi Yu Ree song “Forest” when talking about you. You said that the people around you are like tall trees in a forest and that you thought you’re one of them, but that you figured out you’re actually more like the ocean. SOOBIN: It’s easy to find people around me who are better looking and sing and dance better than I do. I actually started thinking about that at Lollapalooza. The other members looked so happy and like they were having so much fun onstage, but I couldn’t. I felt eaten up inside seeing myself not being able to fully enjoy it because of all the pressure. Then I heard Choi Yu Ree explaining that “Forest” is about feeling like you’re not good enough and I thought, “Ah, so that’s what I’ve been going through.” I started to understand my emotions a little bit better. Everyone ends up comparing themselves to others at some point in their lives—it’s unavoidable. And they have times where all they can see are the things they hate about themselves, but it’s ridiculous. I was overflowing with negative feelings when I was working on my “Forest” cover, and I wanted to sort of deal with those feelings and express them.

The music video echoes your thoughts that someday you’ll come to shore and become one with the forest. What does the forest mean to you? SOOBIN: Just being a singer who’s good at singing and dancing, interacting with my fans, enjoying performing, and being able to do it all with complete sincerity. I think I was showing how the forest to me means being happy with the other members when they’re happy. Nothing big—just simple things I’m not always that good at.

Do you feel more like a forest now that some time has gone by? SOOBIN: Umm … I saw a ton of comments from fans after I covered “Forest.” My mindset when I was doing it was, Right now I’m like the ocean, but I’ll become a part of the forest just like you guys—so wait for me until then. But once I saw what fans were writing, I changed my mind and thought, Do I really need to become a part of the forest? I could be similar to the forest, but I don’t have to change myself to be one. My fans kept saying, “The whole reason we liked you in the first place is because you’re like the ocean, not because we hoped you’d become like a forest. If that were the case, we’d like somebody else. Why do you think it was you?” The ocean comes with its own perks, you know. You need to have some ocean near a forest to add to the scenery and have more things to do. Now I think maybe I tried too hard to fit in by trying to be like the forest. Now I feel like I can shine bright just by being myself.

That lines up with what you recently said in an interview you did in Japan when you said that your 20s, the best and most energetic time of life, are dazzling and fun thanks to knowing MOA. What do you think you’ll see when you look back on this youthful period of your 20s? SOOBIN: Joy. Every moment of our lives is packed with good times and bad times, joy and sorrow, but in the end, I think, I’m on a path towards joy. Even things that are so agonizing that you want to die—so bad you feel like the whole world is against you, and so bad you’re certain they’re weighing on you forever, eventually pass.

Doesn’t it almost feel funny sometimes, looking back after all that? (laughs) SOOBIN: Yes. It ends up feeling so trivial somehow. Things that felt massive at the time are like a speck in the distance once you get even a little space between them and yourself. Even after all the hardship I went through being a trainee, I can look back now and see there were a lot of good times. Maybe we tend to romanticize the past a bit? (laughs) Even some of the stuff I’m going through now can be tough, to be honest, but I’m never going to give up. There’s still so much I want to give. The amount of joy I derive from doing this is way higher than the amount of difficulty. I think my life’s amazing, even right now.

So amazing. (laughs) SOOBIN: I think so too! (laughs) As time goes on and I get older, when I look back on my youth, my time with TOMORROW X TOGETHER, I wonder if it’ll look that much more shiny and amazing. Maybe I’ll feel I was even cooler at this time than I feel I am now.

[prongsmydeer]

Ayesha Liveblogs She-Ra S5 

“You’re not She-ra anymore, remember?” Unlike Bow, Adora is not adjusted to fighting without her powers LOL

You know, it didn’t really occur to me to question it until now but why do only five of the princesses have runestones? Spinerella and Netossa are princesses but they don’t get to be part of the balance of planet LOL

Scorpia, Entrapta and Micah in the intro ahhhhhh! I love this for all of them

“What is this?” Akorradora trying to access the Avatar state again:

Shockingly tactful for Entrapta to suggest they’ll figure out where Glimmer is soon. You know what that is!! Growth!!!

“You saved me, and you’re gonna save my little girl.” Micah said: Have you heard of father figures. I am available

Ffhkjhg @ Adora defiantly charging every enemy she sees, magicless

“It seems [Hordak] had very little love towards you at the end.” Hordak said: I looked into my brother’s memories just so I could figure out how to hurt your feelings, Catra 

How nice of Horde Clone #1 to warn Team ScorDorBow that their camp was being attacked LOL if Micah hadn’t sent a signal they still could’ve gone back

[Shadow Weaver saves Micah from a bot] [Micah grunts, perhaps in both thanks and resentment] “You’re welcome.” The funky little aunty trauma emerging from Micah and Shadow Weaver. Call me compelled

Horde Prime offering his flagship speciality, Genoc!de Jello: 

How does Glimmer get this whole view of the camp being attacked but somehow DOESN’T see Micah. Feels intentional 

“Ah, here she is, your beacon of hope. Adora.” Horde Prime is smarter than I gave him credit for in identifying Adora as the leader

Though, he saw all of Hordak’s memories. So. Eh on credit

“These princesses are so predictable with their feelings.” “As were you. Elevated heart rate, dilated pupils. Adora means something to you.” I was half-kidding about Horde Prime trying to figure out how to hurt Catra’s feelings but it was true

“Cast aside this false hero and deliver her to me.” Okay Lorde Hordemort

I know I’m like. Technically Millennial/Gen Z cusp. But as a self-identifying Millennial, the way this show was DEEPLY written by a Millennial. The media influences are clear 

I googled it and he was born in ‘91. HA

LMAO @ BOW TOSSING EVERYONE OUT OF ADORA’S TENT INCLUDING THE KING. PRIME MEDICAL ADVOCATE:

I think Frosta should get to punch Horde Prime, as a treat

UNBELIEVABLE THAT ENTRAPTA STILL CARES MORE ABOUT TECH THAN FINDING GLIMMER HAHAHA. DIDN’T YOU JUST SAY LIKE TWO EPS AGO YOUR MAIN COMPLAINT WAS BEING ABANDONED. ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACK LMAO

Whatever, much like Mermista, I’ll take it if she’s not pro-Horde

Also: Djjfkjfkhfkj funny that Scorpia is now the mediator

Also also: Scorpia’s really good at impressions! 

“Little sister, why do you rebel against my commands?” Horde Prime calling Catra his little sister gives me the heebie jeebies. You are nothing like Daddy Hordak!!!! Not that Hordak was a good guy, but like. Hey. He had something to offer as a family dynamic

Ohhhhhhhhh poor Glimmer: 

HAHA @ PERFUMA PUTTING ENTRAPTA ON A CHILD LEASH

“You don’t care about Glimmer or any of us. You only care about tech.” Are we FINALLY going to have Entrapta show some remorse. I hope so. AGAIN. I get that she’s probably representing a specific like. Cognitive situation. But NEURODIVERGENT PEOPLE CAN CARE ABOUT THEIR FRIENDS!!!!!

“I thought maybe, if I could use tech to help you, you’d like me.” This line is a hard sell. Why then, do they have to talk Entrapta into doing anything for/with her friends by offering tech? Literally done so in this same episode? Just lean into the fact that she didn’t realize how much she’d hurt them rather than rejecting responsibility and suddenly deploying a tragic underlying motivation! 

I do genuinely like Entrapta!!! She is endearing in her way. I just think that they make her so neutral towards most people (save for Hordak, with whom she shares both technology and a seemingly familial-esque bond), and then inconsistently suggest she is people-motivated. Be accountable to your actions, babygirl!

“Glimmer needs us.” FINALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY

“Focus, Entrapta! Glimmer needs you,” said Entrapta, to herself. Loving Entrapta’s Empathy Era. Good for her!!

Ahhhhh Adora needing to let go of She-Ra to move on. <3333

“Yeah, it turns out I’m an awesome leader, so we’re gonna be fine.” Also loving Mermista’s Rebellion General Era!!!!!!!

“You want She-Ra? Come and get her!” MICAH, KING OF COSPLAY

“See you soon, babygirl.” I SWEAR IF I DO NOT GET A MICAH, GLIMMER AND ANGELLA REUNION, I WILL BE SO SAD

“You remember me, don’t you? Here’s a clue. You don’t like me. Hordak.” RETURN OF DADDY HORDAK AND THE FUCKED-UP FAMILY REUNION:

Bow’s mediation skills and level-headedness are unmatched. If Adora is the Heart of the Rebellion, then Bow is the Head

The powerful healing energy of teenage girls sitting on the floor:

“Your Adora causes you nothing but suffering.” Actually, I think Catra causes most of her own suffering, Horde Prime. This is just the manifestation of her Repressed Furry Space Lesbian Feelings

Platinum Hordak has such sad little eyes as he goes to the memory bath

Poor Bow is clinging onto his hinges for dear life trapped on a ship with the two princesses with the worst impulse control (aside from Bestie Glimmer LOL) kjhgkjhgjh

“You will be exalted, raised up above the other creatures of your wretched home world.” Is this Horde Prime’s way of saying Catra’s gonna be in his museum of war horrors

“I’ll never say sorry to anybody, ever,” said Catra, at age 7, and then she stuck to it for the next ten years of her life

“I want to do that one good thing in my life. Like you said.” YEAHHHHH CATRA AND GLIMMER

(Cannot help but feel this will immediately bite Catra in the ass though)

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CATRA SAVING GLIMMER (AND INDIRECTLY, ADORA) AT THE COST OF HER OWN SAFETY. I LOVE U CATGIRL

“There’s no one left in the entire universe who cares about me.” [Immediate cut to Adora] WRONG

“Adora, I’m sorry, for everything.” I FORGIVE YOU IMMEDIATELY CATRA, THAT WAS ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR

Me last season: Catra/Adora is gonna be hard sell given how hurtful Catra has been for every single episode of this show

Me this season, after seeing Catra be nice twice: IT’S FINE

I keep thinking how unrealistic it seems that no one is being killed but at least with Catra it makes sense that Horde Prime would keep her, as she is the Adora Bait 

Adora is taking being used as a weapon WAY better than I expected jkghkjghg. I mean good for you but you’re allowed to be a little mad at Glimmer! 

“Like, one time, Kyle told me he had a crush on Rogel—” the Lizard Boy who speaks no words??? Kyle please. Also Kyle/Rogelio forever ❤️

“This is all my fault. Horde Prime only found us because—” “Because YOU activated the Heart of Etheria.” Bow is mad enough for the both of them, actually:

”That was forever ago. A lot’s changed since then.” Bow said: Now I have broader shoulders, you have a different hair, and you’re a war criminal, Glimmer. Times have changed

I looked it up on the UN website to see which War Crimes Glimmer has committed, and I count at least two:

“Intentionally launching an attack in the knowledge that such attack will cause incidental loss of life or injury to civilians or damage to civilian objects or widespread, long-term and severe damage to the natural environment which would be clearly excessive in relation to the concrete and direct overall military advantage anticipated.” (Using the Heart of Etheria)

“Subjecting persons who are in the power of another party to the conflict to physical mutilation or to medical or scientific experiments of any kind [...] and which cause death to or seriously endanger the health of such person or persons.” (Turning the princesses into the weapon)

Starla with her boomerangs and magic owl and immediate sharing has already won me over

Do the robot arms imply that Tallstar is a double or quadruple amputee? Wild as hell

“I’m not leaving anyone behind!” YEAHHHH ADORAAAAAAAAA

“Ready to do something that probably won’t work?” “Always.” Oh, how I’ve missed the Best Friend Squad

“We’re going to fight Prime, and take back our home.” Love this for the Star Siblings as well ❤️

“You get to be mad, for as long as you need to be. But I’m not going anywhere.” Glimmer is speaking MY love language

Swift Wind making magic radio calls to Adora every night is v sweet

How have none of the Horde clones alerted Horde Prime about the intruders in their server room lmao

Are we sure this isn’t Hordak? The crying seems kind of on-brand:

Hahahaha, Wrong Hordak is a delight. The implication that all of the Horde clones are incredibly emotionally vulnerable sad boys if left to their own devices kjhgjhgkjgh. Hordak never stood a chance of being well-adjusted lmao

“I brought her to the light. Isn’t that right, little sister?” Hate every part of this for Catra. However. This animation fucking rules:

“But you have already hurt me. Prime has set me free of that pain.” Quit blaming Adora for your repressed gay middle school crush, Catra. If it were about abandonment issues, please see the past five seasons when Adora has repeatedly extended her hand to you

I also like Catra’s new haircut. The hair changes in this show are good

“We both know I don’t matter.” “You matter to me!” 💞

BABYGIRL BACK IN ACTION. NOW I BELIEVE SHE’S 8 FEET TALL:

I really hope the Helpful Hordak that they brought with them IS actual Hordak. I want to see him and Entrapta reunited

Update from thirty seconds later: It was not him, but he knows she is looking for him. Daddy Hordak will get his favourite daughter reunion soon enough

Helpful Himbo Hordak is my new favourite character. If anything happens to him I will [redact] everyone on this ship and then myself:

IGFHKJFHKFJH SCREAM THEY ADDED HELPFUL HORDAK TO THE INTRO. I’M LOSING IT HIM HOLDING THE WRENCH AND SMILING 

“What do you care? I know you all hate me.” “I never hated you!” I am glad Catra is literally the first ex-Horde soldier to actually be dealing with some lingering guilt and complex dynamics emerging of her actions

Also. also. For the final time. Someone desperately needs to fix the captions of this show and stop dropping important words. The captions here drop the words ‘I know,’ which are important, because it signifies 1) Catra’s pre-empted conclusion (i.e. I don’t need to talk to anyone, I know how they feel about me) and 2) That this feeling of being hated is entirely rooted in herself (I feel that I am hated). I get that it probably has been outsourced and done as quickly as possible. But it is deeply inaccessible to people who rely on captions to understand what’s being said 

All of this caption mess is really a piss-poor-how-dare-you-say-we-piss-on-the-poor moment

Also. Kind of unrelated but something I’ve been thinking about since I looked up the Millennial who wrote this show. Why do the credits use a name he doesn’t go by anymore? The show is recent enough to reasonably be updating it. Like Umbrella Academy also had someone involved in the change their name, and they changed the credits on every prior episode to say Elliot. Did the creator for She-Ra choose to leave it? On Wikipedia it describes his production credits for this show as ‘credited by deadname’ which like, to me, suggests it’s not something he actively chose. For a show which tries to weave representation and inclusion into its fabric, its Netflix presentation is bizarrely thoughtless when it comes to real people!

We interrupt all the meta concerns to say: Hee hee, leetle kees on the volleyball court

“Did you think she was going to just instantly become a different person?” LMAO @ ‘a different person’ being Glimmer and Adora’s code for ‘Catra trying not to be mean for more than 30 seconds at time’

There’s something very poetic and funny about Micah desperately wanting Frosta to accept him as a friend, like Frosta wanted from Glimmer

[Ominously] “Why don’t you stay for supper?” I KNEW something would wrong with Elberon ever since the Flutterina thing. Something has been brewing in the water here

“Horde ships coming right for us,” from Entrapta also sounds kind of like, “hardships coming right for us,” which is also true

I really feel like Adora should’ve yanked the chip out of Catra when she was still in She-Ra mode. Is it like. Connected to her brain stem?

[Groaning] “My daughter’s gonna hate me.” Micah is the love of my life

“It’s like they’ve been replaced by totally different people.” Hmmmmm

Elberon has gone full Spooky Mode. I love the constant Haunting Lighting:

Entrapta clearly remembers every time she’s been wronged (being left in the Fright Zone, Catra taking her work and sending her to Beast Island). But somehow NEVER retains anything she’s done to wrong others (hacking the Black Garnet, creating the portal which took Glimmer’s mother). What kinda selective memory jkghkjghgjh. [Entrapta as Aslan meme voice] I forgor 

Wow. Catra admitting she wants Adora to stay is a real breakthrough!

“Just stay with me while I do it okay.” It’s a day of breakthroughs for Catra. I’m very proud of her!

You know. Aside from Adora being a literal alien. They’ve already established that she’s impervious to the cold, so why not, to her free-floating in space? 

Bold of her to jump out without checking though!

“Chip appears to be fused with the subject’s nervous system [...]” I guess Horde Prime did put it in her brain stem!

Catra said: I do apologies AND thank-yous now. I’m a new catwoman!

Glimmer and Bow immediately moving aside so Catra can sit between them. I love the Best Friend Squad!

Not Spinerella being chipped!!!! Don’t harm our happy background emotional support couple

“Onward to a secret underwater party adventure.” Screaming over the fact that Scorpia, Perfuma, Mermista and Sea Hawk have decided the way they’re going to deal with the citizens of Etheria being turned into robot spies is by having a fancy dress party:

I love that Perfuma is an excellent actress, good for her

LMAO @ MERMISTA AND SEA HAWK HAVING TO BEAT UP HALF OF THE PEOPLE THEY SEE. Feels like perhaps the easiest version of this plan would be leaving Sea Hawk at home 

“I just wanted to know what [setting someone’s boat on fire] felt like.” [Gasps] “You are everything I’ve ever wanted.” Mermista x Sea Hawk 5ever

The ratio of musical numbers really does increase as the shows goes on. Also losing it at Scorpia literally singing her deception to a room full of people: 

“Strangest thing but I think we’ve met before.” DHJKDHDJHD has Prince Peekablue been replaced by Double Trouble

Update from 30 seconds later: Yes

Good for Netossa for noticing right away but for someone who has full access to his victims’ brains Horde Prime is sure not good at acting in-character for them. He should take a lesson from Double Trouble 

I should’ve figured that Mermista would be the one to get chipped at the incredibly convenient and inconvenient location of underwater but NOOOOOOOOOOO MERMISTA

They are messing with ALL of the emotional support background couples this ep

This party is not really going well for Team Princess at all: 

THEY GOT PAPA GLIMMER TOO??? OH MICAH 😭😭😭

“That’s your cue, Hot Stuff. Let’s go.” Hahahah is Double Trouble calling Sea Hawk Hot Stuff because he likes to set boats on fire or just because they think he’s cute kjghkjghgkjhg

Kind of bizarre that Scorpia, despite being under water, has seen no impact of water conducting an electrical current. SHOULDN’T THAT BE A MAJOR ADVTANGE? 

SCORPIAAAAA. I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE A NICE LITTLE REPRIEVE NOT HALF OF THEIR FRIENDS BEING LOST TO THE HORDE. THE FANCY DRESS OUTFITS BETRAYED ME:

Very haunting when they end episodes with just silence ahhhhhhh

Ohhhhh the chipped friends going into the antagonist slot in the intro 😧

“Your plan is to ram through an armada of ships?” “No... Maybe!” Rare voice of reason moment for Catra LOL

Dhdkjhdjjdh Helpful Hordak immediately spilling Horde Prime’s vulnerabilities at the slightest prompting. Me oversharing about my health problems when people ask how I am 

Someone please clarify how they had a spacesuit with cat ear slots so readily available to them in the middle of hiding from a nearly omnipresent enemy. Was Adora just keeping this on board always in the hopes Catra would get her act together hahahaha: 

LHFKJHFJHFKJH Bow and Glimmer looking between Adora and Catra perplexed whenever they make Lesbian Eye Contact 

Lesbian Eye Contact Count 1: Adora giggling at Catra as she tries to take off her unexplained custom-made helmet 

“So, wait. The plan is to barge ahead into the structurally unsound building to find some mystery person that we know nothing about, in the hopes that they somehow know how to defeat Horde Prime?” Catra is experiencing culture shock from the Rebellion planning strategies

It really takes Shadow Weaver like seconds to figure out how to get under everyone’s skin: 

You know, surely there’s some kind of risk in plugging Helpful Hordak into this new building. You don’t really know what his reset button is

Lesbian Eye Contact Count 2: Adora staring as Catra makes a new door in their mysterious abandoned building:

“Seems Wrong Hordak has begun to question the meaning of life. [Sobbing] “Who am I if not an exaulted brother of Horde prime?” Helpful Hordak bursting into tears the moment he has to deal with anything that he’s not used to. Relatable content

Catra was right to hesitate to take her helmet off, I think. Just because they can breathe doesn’t mean those glowing spores are safe

“I think the feeling I had about this place is a bad feeling,” said Glimmer, as they were chased out of a hallway by numerous spikes trying to impale them 

[Deadpanned and emotionless] “Go through the door on your left.” That Entrapta message doesn’t at ALL sound suspicious

Update from 1 minute later: It was not Entrapta speaking 

“I thought it was bad but it’s not. It’s magic.” Ohhhhhhhh love that Glimmer’s understanding of magic has grown with time!!! Her being the first to understand the illusions they’re seeing: 

Is the illusion creature a cat or did it just choose to be a cat for Catra?

“I’m sorry I got angry. It’s something I’m working on.” [Endeared] “Oooh. You are?” Me and Adora being impressed and endeared whenever Catra shows the bare minimum of growth hahahaha

I can’t believe the payoff for Catra’s five season fursona is that she can speak alien cat hahahaha

“They dug into the ground. Built machines.” “The First Ones. That’s what they were doing. They were mining this planet’s magic, just like on Etheria.” Everything eventually circles back to space colonization

God I love the addition of Melog, Space Cat to Team Princess

“Brothers, Horde Prime lied to us. He is a false ruler. We must rise up against him and free the universe from his unjust reign.” We love the self-radicalization of Helpful Hordak. He said we will seize the means of production and overthrow the bourgeoisie (his rude brother)

“Etheria isn’t a weapon. It’s a living creature.” Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Shadow Weaver said I see your Space Cat Friend and Raise You Planet Friend

“We can destroy the restraints the First Ones built, set the magic of Etheria free and use it against him.” Didn’t work too well when you tried that on Daddy Hordak, did it, Shadow Weaver? Shadow Weaver said: Never forgive, always forget

“What is this tingling sensation?” “That’s warmth, buddy.” That’s Rough Buddy vs. That’s Warmth Buddy stand-off in the streets

I was wondering if Melog was going to be added to the intro in this ep and while Melog wasn’t, I did notice how the Catra and Adora fight has changed to more of a friendly and playful ahhhh I love when intros match the emotional stories of the protagonists

What good is the Hive Mind if it can’t see She-ra right in front of them LMAO

“Oh... expressing facial emotion is a privilege reserved only for Prime,” said Helpful Hordak, like doesn’t burst into tears every time he’s stressed

Obsessed with Helpful Hordak mimicking any expression he sees ❤️: 

[Horrified gasp] “Princesses? Where?” [slams door] wild that the princess propaganda that Catra and Adora were raised on as Horde children has eventually circled back to being true 

Hahahahah Glimmer and Bow are incapable of not trying to recruit people to the Rebellion for even 30 seconds in a shop

I like that Melog is now Catra’s means of using magic. If you're not born into royalty, adopt a giant cat with whom you develop a symbiotic magic relationship and it’s basically the same

“My fight is over. Lord Prime has given me peace.” [popular Netflix show voice] There’s no war in the City of Light

HAHAHAHAHA @ CATRA BEING OFFENDED AT ADORA HESITATING TO FIGHT HER CHIPPED HOMIES, WHICH IS NOT AT ALL THE SAME AS FIGHTING A FRENEMY WHO WAS A BELIGERENT BELIEVER IN TYRANNY UNTIL 4 EPISODES AGO

Adora: How are we supposed to fight our own friends?

Catra, scoffing, like she didn’t instigate 98% of their fights: It never stopped you before

I think Spinerella’s use of the word beloved (a term Netossa has said they don’t use) is Horde Prime being purposely cruel ☹️

“I must access the memories stored in this version.” Can’t believe we’ve graduated from Daddy Hordak to Grandpa Hordak 

Speaking of Daddy Hordak, I have been waiting all season for him to find Entrapta and join the Rebellion. It feels like a matter of time 

Side note though: I do think he will sacrifice himself for the Rebellion and Entrapta. He’s done a lot of damage so I can only imagine that’s how his story will end with four-and-a-half episodes remaining

“So the only person I’m fighting here is... my own wife?” WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HER WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

“We were gone. We weren’t here to help our friends.” Bow you literally were helping your friends!! You can’t be every at once, sweet boy

“We won’t abandon Erelandia,” said Glimmer, before teleporting away

Perfuming crying because she hates managing people. Same girl:

“But can we circle back to your not-at-all-weird-and-very-detailed theories on our weaknesses?” Netossa said: I have a had a lot of time and trauma while you were gone

“Glimmer: Crippling self-doubt mixed with overwhelming hubris.” “Whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s like, really personal compared to fire.”

1) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2) True

3) Same

“Your negative vibes aren’t appreciated here, Catra.” Perfuma directly calling Catra out for being a vibe killer

“They can’t defend themselves. They’re dads.” This is such a wonderful line, I feel like they just breeze past it jkdhkdjhdj

“’What did the First Ones say when they burned dinner? It was ruined.’” Bow’s parents leaving him a note about their secret hiding place with a doodle of themselves, drawn hearts and a joke inside is peak parenting. Lance and George deserve an award for this kind of communication:

“This one’s mine.” Perfuma wants to stay above fighting her friends but Netossa truly has no such qualms about fighting her wife. She said: Are you kidding me, my wife will kill us, we gotta kick her ass

“Mara wasn’t alone. She was working with a group of rebels going against their First One’s leaders.” OOHHHHHH ARE WE FINALLY GOING TO RESOLVE MARA’S PLOTLINE? I LOVE

My money is on Arxia being the Fright Zone or Bright Moon

“Friendship isn’t a weakness. It’s my greatest strength. And Scorpia’s too.” Is this cliché? Yes. Do I adore Perfuma being too nice to hurt her friends anyway? Also yes!!!

“Because Spinny, you’re my weakness.” AHHHHHHHHH NETOSSA:

Perfuma reassuring Catra that it’s okay to keep your heart open is why I think she should date everyone she interacts with. She just has the vibe of everyone she knows living in her heart

Well, colour me incorrect! Arxia is on Mystacor, I kinda forgot about Castaspella and Shadow Weaver LOL

Netossa and Spinerella being reunited in the intro with a kiss 🥺💘 I’m love them

“Would a ‘please’ kill you?” Fjlfjfjhfjkh that ‘a’ really sounded like an ‘I’ and was really thinking Castaspella was escalating hahahah

“Micah was an exceptional sorcerer even then. It’s a shame it didn’t run in the family.” Shadow Weaver is determined to antagonize everyone who has joined her on the Arxia Rebellion Field Trip

“This isn’t about tech. It’s about our chipped friends. If I can get this to work, I can save them.” THAT’S RIGHT BABYGIRL, ENTRAPTA’S EMPATHY ERA HERE TO STAY

Lesbian Eye Contact 3: Adora loving that Catra is trying to rescue her and Catra being embarrassed about it

RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR TERRIBLE FOSTER MOM LMAO

“I see you and Catra are close again. Do you really think that’s wise?” Yaddah Yaddah Generational Trauma: Emotional Distance Edition 

Also this is horseshit, every time Adora has transformed this season has been in the interest of protecting a loved one

Speaking of generational trauma, DADDY HORDAK IS BACK BAYBEE:

This is certainly a rough way for Glimmer to reunite with her father 

“Adora, it doesn’t always have to be you!” Ohhhhhhh Catra

Vhjkvhjvhkjvh I know it’s like. To prevent them from wreaking magical havoc. But wild for Adora cave-in Micah and two other sorcerers in a hidden magical prison without food or water 

“[Sacrificing yourself for Etheria] is what you’ll always choose. I don’t have to stay and watch it happen.” Someone was listening to Shadow Weaver’s emotional distance lecture a little too hard

“Adora doesn’t want me! Not like I want her.” It took her 51 episodes but Catra is finally admitting that her feelings for Adora are not entirely platonic LOL

Having non-verbal communication and comfort from an animal friend was really an element we’ve been missing until Melog. A talking horse just doesn’t hit the same feelings: 

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GO REBELLION:

We are back to the realm of the Romantically-Charged Friendship Simulation. I wonder what Bow and Glimmer will see in here, if anything

You’re telling me instead of needing a bunch of princesses, all Horde Prime needs to do to activate the Heart of the Etheria is to invest in an auger drill? LMAO

"I never could’ve done any of this without you. Thank you for being the best friends anyone could ask for.” ADORAAAAAA ☹️☹️

Catra going back to warn Adora only to stumble on to Shadow Weaver getting drunk in the middle of a war while Adora takes all the world’s burdens. Incredible. Truly representing the average parenting energy of this show

FINALLY they’re acknowledging that water conducts electricity. Just as the planet is about to explode

I can only imagine Entrapta being captured will trigger Daddy Hordak to turn. [Rafiki voice] IT IS TIME

“Take care of her, Horde Scum.” “That’s the plan, Sparkles.” I LOVE CATRA BEING IN THE BEST FRIEND SQUAD 😭❤️😭❤️😭❤️😭❤️

“Bow. I love you. I love you. I love you.” “I love you too.” Kind of figured Bow and Glimmer were headed in that direction. Every single friendship in this show is romantically charged hahahaha

More like the Best-Friends-To-Lovers Squad, am I right? 

“You’re worth more than what you can give to other people.” MARA 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“Doesn’t it remind you of the first time we met? You also tried to kill me then. 😌❤️” Sea Hawk for Most Boyfriend in the History of Etheria

Everyone’s suddenly being really forthright about their romantic feelings. That’s TWO I love you exchanges from the Team Princess and self-admission from Catra. They said if we’re gonna die we might as well speak our feelings

“Hello Babygirl.” Micah for Most Haunting Use of Babygirl Award:

“How strange. I must have fought her. I must’ve known her face. But I have no memory of it.” Last minute theory of Light Hope/Mara/Horde Prime love triangle. I don’t really think it’d happen, but it would HILARIOUS to me if it were true 

CATRAAAAAAAAAAAA (also Shadow Weaver). Ex-Horde reunion LOL

“My mother raised me to be brave. My friends taught me to be kind. And I’m stubborn. I get that from you. I will never stop fighting. And I won’t lose another parent.” GLIMMER 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Side note: Until this point I have kind of been assuming Angella would be freed from her dimensional trap during the finale, but it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen 

I love that Bow and Entrapta’s knowledge together is what takes down the chips!!!! TECH BOY AND TECH GAL FORCES UNITE

“It’s time to take back our world. It’s time to fight.” BABY BOY BOW INSPIRING ALL OF ETHERIA TO FIGHT BACK

WHAT DO YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS SHADOW WEAVER CAN LEARN SOMETHING:

“It’s too late for me. But you, this is only the beginning for you. I am so proud of you, Catra.” Shadow Weaver said: The cycle ends with me, actually

“Whatever happens, I am staying with you.” Catra said: ‘Til death do us part, Adora

“I made a life of my own. I made... a friend. I am Hordak, and I defy your will.” I knew Daddy Hordak was incapable of killing his favourite child: 

Hordak didn’t really think through the whole Hive Mind thing when he threw his brother/parental figure/supreme overlord into a bottomless pit

Adora’s dreams for the future are so sweet ahhhhhhhhhhhhh:

(On a less serious note: What wild hair choices for everyone LMAO)

“Don’t you get it? I love you. I always have. So please, just this once, stay.” They got there eventually! GOOD FOR THEM 

Not to be dramatic but lesbian love is literally going to save the whole universe. I repeat: GOOD FOR THEM ❤️❤️❤️

I’m not sure if I fully understand why the hell the First Ones did all of this planet weaponization if all it took to defeat Horde Prime was She-Ra finding a lover she could find strength in. They really took the path of Most Resistance 

“I remember you.” I cannot believe that She-Ra just exorcised the Horde Prime out of Hordak as if he were a particularly vindictive ghost and not his clone brother/paternal figure/supreme overlord controlling via Hive Mind:

“Hordak! I’m so glad you’re back.” AWWW ENTRAPTA AND DADDY HORDAK REUNION 

(Does no one care that Hordak has been terrorizing society for over a decade prior to this, and is probably responsible for killing a bunch of their parents? No? I really thought he was going to die, LMAO)

Edit after posting: Befuddled by what the creator had to say about this relationship, DO BETTER AT DEPICTING AGE AND DYNAMIC LMAO 

“Hello! I’m your dad.” GLIMMER AND PAPA MICAH REUNION 😭❤️

Scorpia said, to Catra: My kekkei genkai is forgiveness

“So are we all just like, okay with this?” asked Mermista, glancing at Hordak suspciously, verbalizing what I believe they should all be thinking jgjhkgh

The Fall of Salineas could not be THAT long ago omg 

“Look at us. From capturing you to us now being buddies. This is so dope.” Hahahaa, the off-screen dialogue in this scene is def improv

“What a sweet and optimistic ending of everyone having a peaceful friendship, familial and romantic reunions and the protagonists deciding to plan a fun little road trip to bring magic back to the universe, which could not possibly backfire on them given the amount of space colonization that has happened in order to harness magic as a weapon thus far. As with Hordak, we will pretend we do not see it 😌❤️:

[fandomsfordays21]

Hi guys...

I know I promised to post more about my Soul Experiment AU and I know I promised to post it sooner but I'm going through a lot of personal stuff rn. Explanation under cut.

TW under the cut for: mentions of toxic relationships and abuse, bullying, mentions of mental illness and potential eating disorders, mentions of surgery and medication, and brief mentions of self-harm.

School has been a bitch and I'm trying to keep my grades above failing. I've been struggling to even complete assignments for class at all much less put effort into them. I've also been going through the stress of leaving a toxic friend group, following that up by leaving my toxic household. I'm living with my grandmother right now but my mother is still in my life and still has custody of me. I've just been struggling with adjusting to a life without lots of toxic and abusive behavior and trying to take better care of myself. My mother has been completely avoidant to the concept of contacting me and only does so when there's a doctor's appointment involved. This is a problem because she's obsessed with me being the "sick, struggling kid" both mentally and physically to the point that she's been pushing for me to get a surgery I don't want that isn't even needed for my health, and she's been insistent of the "fact" that I need to take meds. I've been taking prescription pills for as long as I can remember, for things like ADHD and depression, and they've never really helped, if anything, they've made things worse for me. My grandmother has had me stop taking them and my body is slowly starting to recover, but I'll never be the same and my hatred and fear of hospitals will be stuck with me forever. All my life my mother has been using me as a way to rack up sympathy points, attention, and insurance coverage for herself. I've finally gotten out of there and have started figuring out who I am without the cloud of multiple drugs that I can't even name clouding my mind. I've gotten better about eating and have started gaining weight, my family always bullied me about my weight despite both my parents (My mom and her wife) being 200-300 pounds as well as just shaming me for eating because my autistic safe foods were "too expensive" and they "couldn't afford me eating like that". I got out before it became a full ED, but the shame and regret I get from eating, or even just the times I can't bring myself to eat, are still there. I've been experiencing teenage freedom for the first time without my parents restricting me and depriving me of the internet or the outside world in general. I'm so afraid though, that my mother will suddenly decide she wants me back, (Despite sending messages to my grandmother that explicitly state she wants nothing to do with me and that she doesn't want me in her house) and that I'll have no choice but to go. As for my friends, I found out that they were really toxic and problematic. I should have realized it sooner, but I was so desperate for people to care about me. Thankfully I don't run into them because I am currently on online school, but that's also part of the problem. I've been staying at home a lot and have been feeling really isolated and lonely not having any people to talk to. This is amplified by the fact that my social anxiety has gotten so much worse. School is a struggle because it's both A: the only way I'm going to get into college and have a life eventually, and B: I've failed so many classes that if I don't fix my grades I'll have to go back to my in-person school. The school where I got relentlessly bullied by both students and teachers, and the school where my old toxic friends are. This is even worse because if I get sent back to that school I'll have to move back in with my mom because my grandmother lives too far away from the school to take me each morning. There's a lot more that's been going on and a lot more to the story, but I just can't bring myself to type it out. I'm exhausted, burnt out, anxious, and so afraid of disappointing you all. Please be understanding about this, I'll work as hard as I can to write for you, but I need to keep myself from collapsing in on myself and falling back into my depression and self-harming tendencies. The last thing I want, or need is to go through that again.

[blogger-diaries]

265 Kilometers away from home...

I tried to open my eyes as I heard noises. I was awakened by the shout of Manong Pindo, yelling “Pandesal” outside the street, the water in the kettle boiling, and the morning show Umagang Kay Ganda on tv with full volume. I immediately stood as I heard my mother shouting from the kitchen “wake up! You're late!” I sighed as I glanced at my clock placed in the side table. It's 5 o'clock in the morning. I tried sleeping again since it's too early and I'm still sleepy.

*Alarm sound

I looked at the screen of my phone and sighed when I realized I still had 1 hour to prepare for my 7 am class. I stared at the ceiling and had morning thoughts.

I miss home. I miss the time where I only had to wake-up and dress myself for school without worrying other than learning. I miss waking up with food already prepared on the table. I miss being taken care of.

I used to be annoyed with all those morning noises before. Little did I know, I'll be missing those times and that I would wish I still get to experience those even though I'm in college already. I am 265 kilometers away from home and things really were different. I had to prepare everything on my own. Even when I'm sick, I have no other choice but to get up and force myself cause nobody will do it for me.

That's the reality that no one can escape except those who were privilege enough to still have the life they used to live. I may have faced adjustment during my first year, away from home, hence I'm lucky I was able to survive and became independent. Thanks to my parents for allowing us to learn things and face life indepently since they had to work away from us since grade school.

Despite us getting used to be away from home, I always look forward to summer and Christmas vacations. Not just the fact that I can get an academic break, but also to finally get a good rest with my family.

We may grow apart and have to do things on our own, the most amazing part is we know we can always find our way home, and that's the best part of all— cause indeed, there's no place like home.

Personal Writing | Aubrey Gale Saladaga

| 𝙱𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝙳𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 |

P#4

[barbiesimadventures]

Join here for the adventures of Barbie Sim (aka Eris Nyx) who is just here, living her Extra™️ Barbie Life like she is the Anakin Skywalker of Barbie Sims. She got nicknamed Barbie Sim when I made literally everything she owned some shade of magenta, and despite the fact that I love her absurd name (and I think the Goddess would approve of the chaos!) I still call Eris “Barbie Sim” in my head, so that’s what she’s gonna be called.

I have been thinking of making some kind of simblr for a long, long time, and was finally convinced to do it because there were actual people enjoying this absurdity that I posted as humor when I realized how I was leaning into the pinkness of this blonde Sim I made. Some posts may be about other Sims I have going, and I may post my progress on the Soul Sickness challenge here, too, but I promise I’m a good tagger!

I will post a mods & CC Masterlist at some point in the near future, but I can pretty much promise that most of the shit I use comes from PralineSims, MySimRealty, nraas (bless them), Nightcrawler, treeag, douglasviega, and Around the Sims3. Like I said, full mod & CC list incoming. I might even post up a list of my nraas settings because unlike all the people I’ve seen who post theirs, I don’t do rotational gameplay, and there aren’t a lot (or any easily findable) settings pages from people who just play one household in a town.

I’ll also post a list of tags as they’re created so you can blacklist if you want to avoid seeing Barbie Sim’s Soul Sickness run, attempt #97 (I finally made a damn Notion page for the fucking complicated ruleset because FUCK I could never keep track of the difference between a Farmer and a Provisioner! Might do the same for the Legacy Challenge because I’m using Notion for goddamn everything these days!)

Barbie Sim has been so fun in the few days I’ve been playing her that I’m super likely to recreate her and play her as one of my main characters for that Soul Sickness challenge, and while I’m not a Fallout fan (nor do I dislike it, I’ve just never been interested enough to play the games), the Vault-Tec challenge looks pretty fucking awesome, too! I’m not about to do them both in the same world, I don’t hate myself that much, my dudes, but I do use Overwatch to export my tuning files/settings for the rest of my nraas mods so that I don’t have to spend the whole first five hours re-setting them. Haven’t gotten to it with Story Progression, yet, but a lot of my settings were based on SarahSims, who I won’t tag because I don’t t know them and I’d feel weird? I might have taken it to a different place on certain things (like making harvesting plants take way less time dammit) and PleasantSims.

This post is under construction, is basically what I’m saying here and probably always will be as I adjust my gameplay over time.

But one thing that is never going to change is that my language is never gonna be “family” friendly, unless yours and mine are a lot alike and the word “fuck” drops from everyone’s mouth. I laughed my ass off the day my kid got a Critical Mission Failure in Mass Effect and dropped a muttered “fuck” right after. I also use some skins and such which have actual nipples, and I don’t use the mosaic blur (except on children, yikes). So I’m probably going to end up marking this simblr as NSFW and just post away, but I’ll wait until the first time my nude sims show up.

I also play a lot of sims that are inspired by and named for various fandom characters (I’ve got an Ember McLain sim from Danny Phantom who is a fairy because I don’t like playing as a ghost in-game and I’ve had a lot of fun getting her to the finish line of her career). I play a lot of fairy sims, tbh, because I like the extended lifespan. I am Attached to every sim I make. They’re almost always one I downloaded and then altered (and I sometimes really want to ask the original creators WTF they were smoking when picking out clothing for those sims, especially the ones that come with CC that I’d never download in a million years if it hadn’t come with the sim!). So, like, don’t be surprised if a lot of my male sims look like Thor, is what I’m saying here! I turned a PralineSims Gwen Stefani into Darcy Lewis and I think I did a great job! I’m never worried about total accuracy when it comes to the face, my dudes. If my sims are pretty to me, and they are close enough to the original that I’m gonna know who they are meant to be? That’s good enough.

I don’t create things, I’m sorry. I’m not here to make shiny things because I don’t know how, though I’ll probably reblog those that do because maybe I’ll be able to find them again, too. I’m just here to chronicle Barbie Sim and her adventures, along with my adventures into various challenges. I am honestly expecting 0 follows on this, so if you’re here and reading this hella long intro and you still wanna stick around? I am 100% in love with you.

Barbie Sim and I will return soon for fun and laughs in pink. Lots and lots of pink.

Love, luck, & lollipops,

Neph (that’s me, Barbie Sim’s Simmer)

[frelsy]

Failed and out of Love

Update on the love story: We did it again. I had a very impromptu party at my place recently. And the following day, we hooked up. It was slow, sensual, steamy, everything I wanted and liked about him. It was perfect. And I couldn’t stop the emotions from coming. I tried to convince him to keep doing this, I tried to convince him to make it more than an occasional thing, I tried everything, but I couldn’t get him to say yes. The following day, I met my friend and in due course of conversation, I realized that you always regret the shots you don’t fire, so I will regret it. I called up the common friend who knew about us and told him everything. I told him how I have been miserable for the last 5 months and how I do not understand why this guy simply won’t be with me, in the hopes that he will talk some sense into him. He promised to, but I didn’t have a lot of hope in his powers after the conversation. The following day, Adam and I had a long conversation about this. It was more of a crying session for me, but I tried everything in my power to convince him. I didn’t leave any stones unturned. But the answer was a no. It really pushed me to a very sad pit. I cried for the rest of the day.

Then… I got my period. I knew I was due soon, in fact I was a little late and I somewhere knew that this was the surge of hormones before periods speaking, but today, on the second day, I really feel the difference. I am rational now, and my head is not cloudy at all. Today I met with him again and we had a long conversation (5 hours), by the end of which I could see so much clearly. Life with this guy would have been so miserable, I would be forced to crave things out of my marriage very soon. For starters, he wants a submissive girl for a wife. (By the way, he is a little weird so maybe try not to don’t judge his choices too much for your own sanity). The reason for that is he has seen his mother be submissive to his dad, and when his ex would snap at her, he would wish his girl to be meeker. I had heard this before from him but this time, when I realized this was being applied to me, I grew very uncomfortable. Bro, until yesterday I was ready to give up on so many things for you, but you cannot ask me to be more submissive. I cannot be one of those wives who have no voice in the house. He went on listing more things and then things came to my head also. The major one that came to my head was his command over English. It is a little eh, and I really find good communication skills and good English very attractive in a man. Other reasons from his side were, his wife should be religious, should have the manners to put ghoonghat on her head when relatives visit, should be adjustable to life in his village. These things made me realize how asking me to do these things will be such a torture for me. His father would not approve of a wife who drinks alcohol, in fact, he would judge her too much. And here, in my family, I sit and drink along with my sister’s father-in-law. I realized if I were to become his wife, I would be expected to be a certain way that I am not. I would probably not be able to eat pork and beef ever, because I would not have my husband to share a plate with. I would not be able to just be me in front of my in-laws. So, all in all, I would be more miserable throughout the marriage. And I am happy I can finally clearly see and realize how privileged I am in comparison to the rest of the Indian society, and how if I don’t have an equally forward-looking husband, I would suffer a lot inside.

[skvaderarts]

Petrichor Chapter 64: Rallying

Chapter 64: Rallying

Note: So it’s 2024. What the hell? 2018 was HOW MANY YEARS AGO?! Um, so anyway…

(-~-)

Making her way down the stairs to the teleportation door that led back to the main lobby, Aluta was flanked by Flora and Willow, the two of them just as curious as to what was going on as she was. The last thing that Willow had expected was to find Flora in the tower with the witch in black, and the last thing that Aluta had expected was to be called upon. But as they rounded the corner and reached the central staircase that stood in the middle of the manor’s entryway, they were greeted by a figure in a dark suit with a business-like but somehow still pleasant demeanor. It was the young man who had been there a few days ago. Now if only she could recall his name…

“Greetings. I am Kayro, an Adjudicator. My apologies for calling upon you unannounced.” He bowed politely, fully aware of the fact that he stood within the grounds of an ancient and powerful family. That seemed to be the case more often than not these days. He had nothing but respect for them. He only hoped he wasn't being impolite.

“You're Sirrus’s friend from work.” It was less of a question and more of a general statement. She'd seen him before, of course. He'd been at the house a few days ago, after all. And she was quite observant. The bigger question was what he was doing here now. Sirrus wasn't even in town at the moment. Was Kayro here looking for him? She didn't possess the mental energy required at the moment to give it more thought than that, even if she'd like to. But she got the impression that she was going to find out shortly either way. He didn’t seem like the sort to waste time.

“I am, yes.” He adjusted the collar of his shirt, regarding her politely as he checked a piece of paper that he was holding in his hand. It didn't appear to be a warrant or anything of the sort, especially since Adjudicators didn't exactly enforce those in the first place, but perhaps it was a checklist? “Just taking care of something before I take a little time off. Have you been well?”

She gave him a nebulous look that didn't exactly answer the question, the look on her face made it clear that she had been… fine. Not good or bad, but just alright. As okay as she could be, all things considered. He didn't pry any further, quickly realizing that they were probably both quite busy. Instead, he double-checked the list for a final time before nodding to himself in confirmation. He then turned his attention back to her, obviously about to ask her something.

“Sirrus left a note here mentioning that you helped in the battle against the Devil Prince Belial? You’re Aluta, right?”

“You're correct on both accounts.” Now she actually seemed concerned. Sirrus had to be the one who provided that information. She genuinely doubted that anyone back at the administration headquarters where Kayro worked knew who she was, and if they did, they hadn't made that known up until now. If Sirrus had mentioned her by name in an official report of any kind, then it had to be important. Now she was slightly concerned. Well, to be fair she already had been, but about something else entirely. “Should I ask what this is about?”

���Oh, nothing of note, really. Nothing to be concerned about. I just need your help with something for a moment, if you don't mind.” He said politely as he extended his hand to offer her the piece of paper he'd been gripping so that she could read it for herself. She declined with a polite shake of her head, instead opting to simply assist him and hoping internally that it wouldn't take too long due to the pressing matters she needed to attend to. Realizing that explaining might be the better option, Kayro just nodded. “I was asked by my paymasters to handle the transfer of someone being held here. They want them temporarily transferred to a high security holding facility while they figure out what to do with them.”

It actually took a second for Aluta to realize who the young man standing before her was talking about. She'd forgotten all about the masked individual locked in the basement in all the excitement. And as she recalled their presence, a small chill ran down her spine. Yes, that would be a good idea. The less time he spent residing within the walls of their ancestral manner, the better. It was probably best that he be transferred somewhere that was equipped to handle people like him better. His evil tainted the very stone the foundation of the building was built upon. As they spoke, his hate planting roots that festered like the most persistent of weeds. 

“What will you do with him, exactly?” She inquired, glancing at Willow and Flora, both of whom were present but had been hanging out somewhere just out of her line of sight. They weren't quite eavesdropping, but they were waiting to proceed. Willow seemed to be more interested in what they were talking about in regards to how it might affect everyone in the building and less about the specifics of what he was there for, while Flora was obviously still shaken up from their previous conversation, trying her very best to conceal that fact. She was doing a pretty good job at it, but her worry was still evident in her eyes if you paid close enough attention. Looks like she needed a bit more practice… 

“We're going to transfer him to a facility a few hours away and then they're going to hold him there for a short while before he can appear before a Tribunal. He has an expedited trial date lined up. Sirrus has already filed the paperwork. He's put in a request to have him summarily judged and handled with a recommendation that carried… extreme prejudice.” Kayro said, neatly folding the piece of paper and tucked it back into his coat pocket. This was certainly going to be an interesting car ride.

Aluta gave him a strange look, seemingly somewhat taken aback by the statement. But not by the part of it that probably would have thrown most people for a loop. For a moment she looked as though she hadn't heard him right. “Sirrus hates office work.”

Kayro nodded politely, chuckling to himself. Yes, that was something he was well aware of. It was the major crux of their professional relationship. Kayro got to stay in his office, and Sirrus didn't have to file the paperwork despite having objectively lovely handwriting. It was a good arrangement. And no one asked who was doing what because everything got done consistently and in a very timely manner. It was like a sham wedding where both parties pretended to commit to something in order to reap mutual reward for their perceived actions. But in reality, those actions were just Sirrus getting to stab things while Kayro enjoyed not having to go outside or talk to their bosses very often. A golden arrangement if one was ever truly to exist. “Apparently he hates this person more.”

“Understandable. As do I.” She shook her twice, looking down at the floor momentarily before politely gesturing in the direction of the back hallway that led to the basement. It was probably best to get this taken care of so that she could go back to the task at hand. If she didn't, Kayro might need to visit again shortly for another potentially equally calamitous reason. No one wanted that. “Let me show you to his cell. It's this way.”

(-~-)

With almost agonizing slowness, V opened his eyes. His eyelids were heavy and his skull felt as though it had been squeezed far too tightly by something with equally too much strength. But as he slowly opened them, he felt the fatigue gradually lift from him, though not in its entirety. His head felt slightly less awful than it had a moment earlier, but not by much. But he couldn’t say that he felt like complaining. Even that little bit had been a lot.

He slowly sat up, regarding both Sirrus and Gustave with tired but grateful eyes. He’d felt worse overall than he did now, but his head alone probably hadn’t felt this bad in recent memory. He felt like he’d scraped his brain with a rake.

“I’m sorry about the handkerchief.” He said with a slight rasp, taking a second to clear his throat before regretting the decision to do so instantly. The vibration made his head throb. It was clear to him in that instant that he needed to be careful for the time being. He would rest his head and then take time to think. That was all he really could do.

Gustave peered at him, now standing against the pillar where he had been before. He hadn’t been able to do as much as he’d hoped due to V’s… less than entirely human blood causing him a not-insignificant challenge, but he’d been able to alleviate some of what he’d been feeling, at least. It wasn’t a success, but it wasn’t a failure. And he felt… neutral about it overall.

“They're supposed to be soiled eventually. Think of it no longer.” His tone was curt but not hostile or unkind. Almost as though something was on his mind and he couldn’t devote any further energy to the conversation. He stood there physically, but his thoughts seemed to be a mile away. It was clear that the last thing he cared about at the moment was his handkerchief. He probably had another one anyway. Or at least V hoped so. It had been very nice from what he’d been able to tell.

“Do you have another one?” V spoke carefully, not wanting a repeat of the head strain he’d just suffered. His voice was still a little dry and he could certainly do with something to drink, but at least the impending migraine seemed to be dissipating at a steady rate. The fact that he wasn’t lying on the floor shivering with pain was enough for him.

Moving only his eyes to look at him, the older gentleman shook his head a single time. He watched as V quietly hid his disappointment at the realization that he might have soiled a rather one-of-a-kind garment. Small as it might be. “No. But I can provide a substitute.”

Oh. Well, then that was that assumption proven wrong, wasn’t it?

V shook his head as gently as he could, holding his hand up to wave off the answer. His limbs felt stiff, something he was only now taking notice of. But he carried on regardless, politely refusing the offer. He hadn’t wanted anything. The silky scrap of cloth was lying on coffee the table just a few feet away. He’d simply hoped to discretely ascertain whether or not he could replace it or whether it held any value to him. No such luck, it seemed.

Opting to move on from the topic lest he push his luck with the powerful man who stood before him and risk receiving significant trouble in his currently less-than-ambulatory state, V turned his attention to Sirrus. The red-haired man had been sitting next to him on his right-hand side the entire time, quietly observing him with no small amount of gentle, if not auspicious, trepidation. He seemed hopeful that his condition would improve and seemed to take note of the already accelerated rate that it had been doing just that. Something that they had both noticed. Despite everything, V had already done more than he was accustomed to doing today, especially when the antics of the previous night were taken into account. Ever since whatever that had been had taken place he’d felt… different. Stronger if not a bit less predictable. Almost as though he was more in touch with something within himself. Dare he say his own devil's blood? It was too early for him to come to any conclusions, but he felt just that little bit more anchored. And it was a pleasant feeling even if it did cause him a non-zero amount of concern for what that meant for him going forward. 

As bad as this visit had been so far, perhaps its timing had been very apt.

But there was something else on his mind as well. The way that Sirrus had reacted back there hadn’t escaped his notice. He could feel the sheer effort that it required for his friend to keep his composure in the face of his treatment back there, but it seemed that there was more to his past with this place and its master than he might be letting on. Back before they’d entered the forest… had Sirrus been concerned about the woods themselves, or what lay beyond them? Was he taking a risk by bringing him here? And most importantly, why had her words affected him in such a deep way? What had she meant to imply with her proposal back then? What had she said, again? That she was offering him a “touch-up?” What did that entail?

“Sirrus, may I ask you something?” V attempted to lean back gently on the couch, carefully lowering his head back against the plush upholstering. Taking the weight of what felt like a gargantuanly disproportionate head off of his tired back and shoulders was a welcome relief, to be sure. Even if his head wasn’t actually that big. It was pretty average, really. At least he hoped so.

Regarding him fondly, Sirrus gave him a warm smile. He was doing a lot better than he had been a short while ago. At least his nose wasn’t bleeding anymore and he wasn’t pale, something that learning back and allowing his head to rest could help improve. Well, the nosebleeds, at least. There wasn’t a body position that helped with pallid clamminess, per se, but taking it easy couldn’t hurt.

“You can ask me anything.” He said, allowing V some breathing room. He wanted to take a closer look at him, but for now, he would allow him to rest unless he took some sort of sudden and unprecedented turn. He had every assurance that if V needed him, he knew that he could just ask, especially when he was sitting right next to him.

“And you do not have to answer.” V tilted his head in a sort of rolling position to look at him as he kept his head on the back of the couch, the strained but serious tone in his voice making it very clear that he truly did mean that. He didn’t want to pressure or otherwise coerce Sirrus into telling him anything that he didn’t want to, and he got the impression that he might be crossing a line here. He only hoped that he wouldn’t upset or offend him, but preferencing his request with “no offense but” was only exclusively reserved for actual insults that you were hoping to dodge the repercussions of.

“I know. But I hardly think I will ever choose not to.” He chuckled softly, more relieved to hear the sound of V’s voice than anything. He was recovering very quickly, and that was a welcome relief. His voice still sounded a bit awful, but it wasn’t something that some water couldn’t remedy, more than likely. Hydration always seemed to help him when he had any sort of headache or other head-related pains, as thankfully rare as they might be. He kept his voice low when he spoke, hoping that he wouldn’t make it worse.

V drew in a breath and closed his eyes as he shifted to face up towards the ceiling, slowly exhaling as he allowed his lungs to almost fully empty. He then opened them again, rotating his head back to the position it had been in previously. He wanted to look at Sirrus when he spoke to him. It was only right. “... What did she mean by a “touch-up”, Sirrus?”

A different kind of silence settled over the room as Sirrus's breath stilled. Gustave pivoted so that he did not have to look at either of them in a manner very similar to the way that he had when she’d asked that question back in the meeting chamber. And the almost petrified look of horror in Sirrus’s eyes spoke volumes. He seemed to consider not answering the question momentarily out of sheer discomfort but seemed to realize that his lack of answering might negatively impact his companion’s desire to seek assistance from their host, especially considering what had just occurred between her and him. He wanted to put him at ease, but…

“That is… an admittedly difficult topic.” He answered honestly, his eyes drifting down towards the floor. He looked pained as though some old ghost had returned from the past to haunt him. Some old injury that he’d just accidentally reopened. And V instantly regretted it. He wanted to know the truth, but not if it was going to hurt his companion this much. No amount of curiosity was worth Sirrus’s well-being, and this topic was clearly not something that he was comfortable with. V wasn’t always the best at deciphering what people were thinking or feeling, but this was crystal clear to him.

“Then you don't need to say anything more,” V stated firmly, more than ready to drop the subject entirely. As far as he was concerned, there was nothing more that needed to be said. He wasn’t entitled to Sirrus’s secrets. His life was his to live and keep as private as he wished. But as he spoke, Sirrus raised his hand gently to stop him, a small, sad smile on his face and a sorrowful glint in his eyes light gray eyes that fully displayed the depths of his pain. Whatever this was had been s closely guarded secret. Had been. But no longer. He was willing to change that. For his own sake and to answer V’s question. For the first time since whatever had happened had occurred, he was volunteering to talk about it. Of that, V was certain.

“But I can show you. I’d like to show you.”

(-~-)

Welcome to 2024! Yay! Let’s give it up for the new year! Almost halfway through the decade already! Wow, time really flies, doesn’t it?! Pleasanton’tsuckpleasedon’tsuckpleasedon’tsuckpleasedon’tsuck-

So anyway, I hope you had (and continue to have) a nice holiday season! I know several holidays are still ongoing or have not arrived, so I hope they are a fun time filled with good memories!

Thanks to everyone who came and checked out the server! I hope you are enjoying it so far! The door is open permanently, so if you ever decide to check it out, feel free! I’ve posted the link below and I will post it in my A03 banner right after I post this chapter!

I was just notified by my doctors on the 28th of December that I have to repeat the same treatment that I underwent in July, so I will have weekly doctor visits for all of January starting on the 15th, but after that, I’m hoping to work something out in regards to something I have planned with you all! I’m still ironing out the details, but for now, I will see you next Friday on the 12th of January! I hope you are all doing well! I don’t currently have any delays planned during that time, so yay! You all take care and I will see you soon! I hope this year is everything you hope it will be! Take care and I’ll see you in the comment section! I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Bye bye!

[prilbrey]

12/14/2023

Today, I've decided to write again. It's been a really long time since the last time I actually wrote what I'm feeling. I couldn't contain the emotions I am feeling right now, I just needed to find a way to let it out. So, here I am again on Tumblr writing down my thoughts.

Let's do a little recap about my life. March 2023 That was when my partner and I decided to leave my parents' house due to a conflict I had foreseen that could never be fixed. During our stay there, It was obvious they chose to hate us instead of appreciating us for being there to provide support. I wish it wasn't like that, so I tried to find what might be the root cause for all the hate that they have for us. For me, as their daughter, it all goes down to the fact that I'm their gay useless daughter who couldn't give them anything to be proud of. I've seen the way my mother looked at me. She literally believes that I'm going no where because I'm gay, uneducated and that my life revolves only around my partner. That was my waking point. My family has always made me feel that I'm not that important, that even when I'm gone it wouldn't matter. So that's why I've decided to pack our stuff and leave.

May 2023

It was my birthday. I was in so much pain. But I have to keep going cause I'm all we have at that time. My partner was healing, and I was hurting. But it's okay, I got it. August 2023 It was a very difficult time for me. I had to decide for us. I feel like I have to quit my job so we can move to Manila so my partner can find a job. That way both of us could help each other financially. The feeling of quitting my job gotten stronger due to the changes that happened on job. So decided to finally move out and move to her father's side. November 2023 I got a job that I thought I would like, turns out it's something that I couldn't do. It's too difficult for me, then my health keeps fucking things up and makes things even hard for me, I keep getting sick every god damn week and it's frustrating. I know my body is adjusting but jesus. I'm sick of drinking meds everytime I feel like Im about to get colds again. Good thing happened though, My partner got a job. She's doing it for us. She's stepping outside her comfort-zone and now has the courage to figure life out again. Which is good, that's all I ask and I'm very happy for her. December 2023

I decided to quit my job at OPT.

I know it's a bad thing, and I'm sure is scared of what might be the outcome of me leaving the company during our training. But one thing I learned is that if you don't want something, if it does not make you happy, fuck it and leave. I have multiple chances out here, I just have to find one job. One job that I know I get and I will be good at someday. Also has hmo and offers full-time contract as well. I need to find a job that makes my sacrifices worth while. My partner's father snapped out. He got home drunk and decided to bother us. He wanted to feed the cats and our dog the huge bone from the food that he was eating. My partner asked him to stop, but he continued to show his childish act and when my partner raised her voice he decided to be the man of the house and slapped her. And that's the moment when I realized that he hates her daughter. He hates her for not being able to exceed the expectations he has for her. He expects her to be the provider from the beginning till the end, but ever since she lost her self and left her job she was no longer the kind person he's supposed to be proud of. He's just like my parents and every other toxic Filipino parents out there who has this massive ass expectations towards their children and if they don't meet those expectations they talk shit about you and tears you down. That's what he is, that's what he have shown that night. I don't care if his heart is broken, I don't care if he was there to help us when we asked, because he could have just refused and said that I can't help you guys, we did not begged him for any help. He said he would help us, only to find out that he started to hate us as well and he broke her again. So when she was crying in my arms. That's when I knew that, We're all we have. It's you and me against the fucking world. Whether if we have shitty life, shitty job, shitty parents it doesn't matter. We fight till the fucking end till we get to live the life that we fucking deserve. 2024 is coming, and I'm fucking prepared for the battle. I'm not gonna sit here and be depressed about how shitty life is, Tomorrow is another day. Things will turn around. We'll both work hard to make our new year worth being alive for.

[aliyah-alejandro]

where is 'home' ?

"What is taking you so long to choose what to bring? Do not bring clutter, those are not important anyways. Just the ones you need that can fit in the balikbayan box is enough," my mother berated me as I stared at the big pile accumulating in front of me. She has been asking me repeatedly for twenty minutes yet I only sorted at least half of what I really want to bring to our supposed  'new home'. 

Not much of an impressive progress to her (I am not a fast packer, you see) but the on-going turmoil within me seemed more important than minding what could be the biggest turning point of my life. 

I am not new to packing for trips, for long-week vacations, or for temporary visits to provinces where relatives I rarely meet except during holidays reside. I am not new to packing the usual toiletries, eco-friendly notebooks I asked for every Christmas Party that is barren of words and cartoon-themed towels that barely dry the surface of your skin but keep anyway because towels are great. Yet, for some reason at that moment, I can barely choose between a cream-colored top and simple graphic tee as casual clothes. Moving houses are indeed a huge step towards change.

It was the month of December in the year 2021. The air was cold, as usual. Everyone can finally feel the spirit of Christmas after living for two years of social isolation and families can finally gather together without the fear of disease. It was such a joyous moment, a sign of progress that things are going to go back to how it used to be. I was happy. I liked to believe I was, yet looking back on it, I cannot say I was happy of change, of the uncertain, of the future. In fact, I was terrified. 

Terrified was not the only emotion I felt. There was also guilt and regret. Guilt that I took advantage of the years of not really living in the moment with the people I hold dear to me and regret that there was only limited time to say goodbye. It turns out it was not just me who was not ready for change. Before I knew it, I was boarding a plane on the way to my new home, staring at my empty Messenger inbox at three in the morning after sending my last goodbyes out of boredom while waiting. 

The morning we landed, I realized something on the way to the apartment we were supposed to be staying in while looking out the cab window: Everything is so green. So lush of vegetation which was very different from where I grew up. There were fields beyond fields of green, tall trees that loomed over and provided just enough shade from the blistering sun. Of course, there were also stories of buildings and hotels that you can only see flourishing in the city. Strangely enough, there was relief and a new sense of excitement that ignited within me. Everything immediately felt familiar. At first, I did not understand why I even felt uneasy because I can see myself doing fine in living here. It was new but it provided me an opportunity to start a new life. I was wrong.

Turns out, I was getting ahead of myself. Countless amount of sleepless nights from worries of fitting in with my peers, of keeping up in society, of understanding the language I only heard from my parents but never had the chance to learn from first-hand. It was such a difficult time of adjustment that lasted for several months of staying in our new place. Giving up was always the option until I finally found my footing. I can say that for me, the start of a face-to-face pilot opening definitely helped me come out of my shell. Not because I wanted to but more on being forced out of it for the sake of academics and socialization. It was not the most ideal motivation but it helped in a way that I could find my people.

You might be wondering by now, where is this home that I am talking about? To answer your question frankly, I am still yet to find out where my home is. I can say my home is back in my old house, or in our current apartment, or in the city I used to live in for the past 16 years. But, saying that would mean I am not being entirely truthful because our "home" is more than its physical structure. It is in the people you surround yourself with, in the familiar route you take back home, in the food you eat from your favorite restaurant that you go to when you feel you deserve it. Home will always be where you feel most comfortable, where you can freely be vulnerable without fear or judgement.

Photo credits to: https://www.detourista.com/place/iloilo/, https://ko-fi.com/s/87d3c15536

[mimibeeps]

Well well well here I go again. I find myself in this sad depressive state yet again. And as always I have no one to turn to but this tumblr to release my thoughts.

I recently went through a purge of humans that did not benefit my psyche (most of my family). It resulted to me having only eddy to talk to. Unfortunately, he is also detrimental to my self esteem. I thought long and hard how I got in this situation.

I recently realized…accepted?…the fact that my upbringing was hella neglectful (at best), and text book emotionally abusive. Im in the middle of mourning the childhood I never had.

Mourning the family I longed for.

Mourning the hope of finding unconditional love

Mourning my future hopes of parties and get together and life events of my children.

They will always have me. I will always be there for them. I wish I can be more people but it’s just me.

Just me.

I don’t think very highly of myself either, but the hope to give them a solid parent figure has become my life mission and meaning for their sake and mine.

My relationship has broken what fragile sense of ego I had left after the purge. I was accepting treatment similar to my upbringing and wow, I realized how much fantasy really took over reality. I was fantasizing an entire relationship in my relationship. Kind how I was fantasizing a loving family.

All of my fantasies have been shattered.

I am suddenly realizing how alone I really am.

But finally the feeling and reality are lining up. I always felt this way only to run into another opportunity for fantasizing. Now I can face reality.

I am alone.

I am unloved.

My whole life, not just a few notable instances, it’s been this way the whole time!

I’m unsure how to move forward. I still find myself mourning. Holidays, pictures, memories, hopes, mornings, dreams, everything is looking through lenses not rose colored anymore. I’m allowing myself time to adjust to reality.

I found myself feeling anxious just to call a place for information because I felt that the lady would yell at me. Why? Lol she was the sweetest and most helpful lady. Why would I think she, a stranger, be mad? I felt inadequate, burdensome, unworthy, a worm.

I think that’s anxiety. Panic attack? I was silently and stoically suffering. I don’t know how to ask for help. Especially from people who proven to suck.

I grew up emotionally unhealthy, I lived emotionally unhealthy, and suddenly I realized I don’t want to be this way anymore. Now the life I knew is gone.

It wasn’t good anyway.

But it was mine?

I was comfortable in my delusions.

[raymondvelez]

Sandra Santiago. part 9

As Sandra took one final sip, leaving lipstick residue on the flute of her mimosa before she stood up; I signed for the check knowing it was only a matter of time before she walked away from me in a similar fashion. I know this sounds a bit morbid when you consider how well things are going currently. But I don’t know. There’s something about Sandra that just doesn’t seem long term. Not because I can’t commit to her. But I just don’t want to at this stage in my life. I almost resent her for coming into my world while things were going so well. I mean just a couple weeks before I started seeing Sandra, I had a threesome with this bad ass bartender bitch everybody be thirsting over. The real flex was that the second girl was her cousin. So, imagine trading in family affairs for Sunday brunches with the girl of your dreams that only lets you make out and hold hands because she’s not quite sure about you yet. Don’t get it fucked up. I’m never the type who chases after pussy. And if I’m being completely honest, I can go weeks or even months without it and be cool. But it’s the principle. I’m at the peak of my abilities with the opposite sex and here comes the girl of my dreams.

I know I sound corny with this whole girl of my dreams shit. But that’s literally what Sandra Santiago is to me. We all have this imaginary, blurry image and idea of what we want in a woman. And when I say Sandra fits the bill, please believe me when I say it. She’s extremely smart, always thinks before she speaks and has the type of emotional intelligence that’s way beyond her years. She’s way smarter and a hell of a lot more understanding of the world than I am. She doesn’t even care that I’m Bi-Polar. As a matter of fact, she can tell if I skip my meds and all that. Lemme even remotely come off like I’m in my bag and she shuts that shit down and immediately asks if I took them. This woman can literally tell by my body language if I’m ill.

Sandra adjusted her sunglasses as she waited for me to put my Amex back in my wallet. I slid my frames from the top of my head back on my face as I reached for Sandra’s hand. Not gonna front; holding Sandra’s hand as we walk past the Logan Theatre is worth it. Her energy calms me down and makes me realize that the little things are not to be taken for granted.

[buffalowingsfortwo]

march 16th, 2023

from faith

ashlyn,

i’ve written and rewritten this letter 7 times. this will be the 8th. 

it use to be much easier to express myself to you through letters than in person, but it seems that’s changed. no boundary or words seem to capture all my emotions enough.

i’ve been listening to collide with the sky a lot, and i think of you. how it feels like you, how the chords and melodies sound like us. i think you’ll understand what i mean. when im with you, it feels differently than it use to. but not in a bad way- it feels new, like rebirth. like we aren’t the same plant from a seed planted 10 years ago, but perhaps a seed from that plant. the offspring. there’s a latin phrase by rudolf virchow to describe cell division, “omnis cellula e cellua” and it means that every cell comes from another. i feel like the phrase itself exceeds that- that there is not one if not from another and that all things are connected, the old and the new. like the seed we have now. 

im going to water it, give it sun and re-pot it into the ground when its strong enough. this will be the plant i won’t kill. 

there’s so much we don’t know about each other now and sometimes it feels a bit intimidating, but it soothes me to know that even with all the space that’s grown between us, you still know who i am. details, characters, milestones have come and gone but it above it all, you know me. you think words before i say them, know my stance before i take one, know my breath before my chest rises. and you aren’t trying to, maybe don’t even realize it. but you’ve known me for many lives, i suppose the atoms in your body have always recognized mine. it’s nice to know that when i find myself wondering if who i am to people is truly authentic, if anyone truly sees through whatever facade im playing, there will always be one person who always has.  

you said i dont remind you of people, people remind you of me. i feel the same way- in fact i find myself chasing after those people the most so that there will always be pieces of you with me. none quite as smart, none quite as witty, definitely none as dear, but all wonderful. i hope that when you find people that remind you of me, they only harness the good parts that love and treat you kindly. 

i didnt tell you, but i had played the strangers game the day before. a different version than the one we played, but still. i wanted to play with you because i felt it was a way for me to tell you about me and hear about you without the pressure of asking the questions myself. shoutout to whoever made that game- that shit was really well made. there’s still a long way to go for us but im grateful for that journey. as i’ve gotten older and in a way, more adult, i’ve realized how different friendships are now. this sounds bad, but they require more effort. when you’re not surrounded by them constantly, when you’re in different cities with different objectives, its easy to let them fade. not because you want them to, or because the input isn’t worth it, but because nothing can be maintained the same way forever, if at all. i’ve realized this even with family- when they move away your relationship with them changes even though the love doesn’t. its a sad part of growing up, a part we can adjust to but never change. that’s partially why i wanted to come see you. i realized how fate has already done its part by bringing us back to each other but its my job to make sure it stays that way. 

one thing i wanted you to know when we were together, and also just in general is that you don’t have to be so cautious around me. you don’t have to be scared to ask me anything, you don’t have to hold back or wonder about how im feeling. dont have to wonder about my actions and dont have to hold onto any guilt or past things. honestly, i cant seem to rid of the guilt that lingers within me for my own actions and maybe i’ll be able to when we’re finally ready to discuss everything that’s happened, but in the meantime im trying to not let it affect the way i am with you in ways that are not productive. i want you to be yourself, fully, with me. i want you to ask me uncomfortable questions and i want you to feel free to ask about my actions. ill try my best to be transparent even when you dont, though.

for example: why it takes me so long to write. why i go through phases where i dont check this account but cant get it off my mind the entire time. i’ve always been this way with this account and i think its because im scared. i do this with lots of things; dont do homework assignments when i know the topic isn’t one i grasp, avoid my parents when i know they’ll confront me about something, hide my mess under the bed when i know i need to clean it. it doesn’t make it disappear, and most definitely is NOT out of mind regardless of how far i put it out of sight. but i think its because i’ve been scared of saying the wrong thing, or of being reminded of everything that’s happened- everything i’ve done. so if i pretend neither of us are acknowledging it, i can pretend im not failing to communicate everything i feel. even when we first made the account and i’d have these phases, it was because i was scared of the new distance college brought us and thought if i avoided telling you about all the new ways my life had changed, maybe time could freeze where i left it. even when i knew things were getting worse the longer i neglected it, thought constantly about how unfair that was to you, i told myself that maybe the more i denied it the less true it would be. but not all confrontations are bad, and most are necessary. that’s something i need to work on, something i will work on. 

i wasn’t sure what day this would be ready for you, but isn’t it ironic that its a thursday? 

“i was scared to say love, what was i so afraid of?

future looking so bright, head be feeling so light”

- angel by lexa gates 

[elyyssi]

Tranquility Behind the Storm

The pandemic's outbreak utterly caught me off guard. I never imagined that things would end up like this and go through all of that back then. Perhaps I was naive at the time, thinking that nothing could possibly affect the fact that everything around me would last. I experienced a lot during the recent outbreak, whether it was happy or sad, but I can't deny that it taught me a lot. I became aware of several things that I had previously ignored.

I was in ninth grade when the pandemic began, and the year ended early. When the school informed us that we would have a week off, I recall that we had no idea that that day would be the final chance for us to go out and see each other. I initially believed that since there would be no more school, I would be pleased. For the first few weeks, everything was enjoyable, but as time went on, the days grew depressing. During the pandemic, I am unable to do many of the things I am used to, including seeing my friends, dining out, traveling, and many more.

I learned a lot about myself and my family during the past two years that I spent at home. I observed that during the lockdown, as it was prohibited to go outside, my family and I grew closer. Because even though there were just three of us at home prior to the pandemic, we were unable to reach an understanding. I came to the realization that it might be because our family doesn't bond enough. We got used to each having our own things at school and at work, so we don't have time for each other. We did nothing at home during the pandemic because nearly everything halted, including work and school. We now spend a lot of time conversing with one another because it has been our past time since that time, which is good for the entire of our relationship.

I also learned certain things about myself, including how I had lost my enthusiasm since the pandemic. I become reserved and timid. I got anxious every time I left the house because I was used to being home all the time. At first, I was unaware of that. I used to think that my shyness was normal, but until now, I still have trouble getting over it. My last name used to be loud in class and with my teachers, and I used to participate in class activities and join everyone. But I made an adjustment once the online class began. I hardly ever take part in events and recitations.

 Even I feel disappointed in myself since I believe I have changed from that. As a result, I have struggled with my academics ever since. Not because of other people, but because of myself, I was under pressure. I worry that I'm not the same person I used to be and that my marks will suffer as a result of my infrequent participation and recitation. I'm still trying my hardest to achieve decent grades, though. Even if I still don't recognize myself as I once did, I know that I'm improving in some way, which is one of the things that motivates me to keep going.

The first time I started a relationship, where I just learnt a lot, was one of the pandemic's remarkable events that changed me the most. I've known him for almost three years. Before we started dating, we spent a lot of time together before we got into a relationship. Naturally, we struggled because we were both unfamiliar with the circumstance in which we could not see one another, unlike our previous close friendship. We were very adventurous at the time because the online class had only recently begun. Because that's not how we're used to living, we struggle every day. Until the pressure we felt caused us to lose time with one other and decide to stop. I spent most of the pandemic in oblivion,  at the same time constantly struggling with the process to survive despite the threat of the pandemic. One lesson I took away from that experience is not to rush.I admit that during those times I became impulsive in making decisions.  I didn't think about what could happen if I went right into it. I did not consider the possible results of my actions, especially since the situation was different then. As a result, I began to think differently. It kept growing as I learned to admit my mistakes and humble myself. I developed personally, and I can still remember his parting words to me. He stated he didn't regret how our relationship turned out, which I couldn't believe at the time but eventually came to understand. He won't make me regret it either if it's me, because that experience helped shape who I am today. I was better prepared back then for my future challenges, and I now have a better understanding of what to do. Even throughout my healing journey from that experience I also learned something. For two years the healing was neither straight nor continuous. There are days when I’m okay, but there will come a day when it will reconnect with me again and I'll be hurt again. "Relapse" they say. I don't mind that at all. Even if the healing does not continue, it is still important that there has been improvement. That's also one of my takeaways from what I've experienced, not to rush anything. Everyone has the right time, in my perspective. Even though you are not satisfied or happy right now, in the right time, you will eventually be. 

Despite the fact that a lot occurred over those two years of conflict, one advantage was that I learnt a lot. I developed as a person as a result of the experiences I had with my family, friends, or a special someone. I can claim that I have made significant progress, primarily in terms of my personality and way of thinking. 

[erisdiamas]

A gasp could be heard as she dropped the plate at her father’s rare outburst spilling the delicious pancake tower that the man loving crafted early that morning just the way he knew Nora and the boys liked it.. residing all over the floors with nothing but a wet ‘splotch’.. she has seen him be stern like when she convinced Stevie to go camping with her in the middle of the night or when she scrapped her knee and wailed for her daddy to come and he came rushing in… she’s seen him crumble behind closed doors about their dead mother when he thinks they’re all asleep.. but she’s always by the door listening and hoping he knows that she’s here to pick him up the way he would after each of her swimming matches.. after a long stressful day of school- it was always just her and her Dad.. so to see him so.. freaked out and the tips of his ears gaining the same flustered pink as his face.. Nora found herself reaching out to try and reassure her that she’s still here.. she’s his daughter- just more independent now, she can handle this right?

“Dad, I love you… with all my heart but I can’t be in Beach City my entire life with the same people that know this mangled earlier version of me and I-I.. I need you to let me go… it’s what Mom would’ve wanted, for me to explore as she did and I need you to understand that I am still your daughter miles and miles away from you…and I am sorry that you don’t see that but ill keep telling you til you’re hit with the realization that I am here for you too, Paps.” Azuli, on the other hand seemed to be concealing an all knowing smug smirk under the guise of passive- blind to Nora’s navy tinted glasses but not to her own no bullshit detector father.

The leather clad woman found herself heading to the door, hands stuffed in her pockets- “Look. Nor’ you’re a sweet girl.. clearly you should be spending the day with your old man instead..clearly he needs it.” Her tone was dismissive and irritated at the fact that their plans got sidetracked by one emotional setback.. whatever, at least his Sultan had sweet parts being put to use on someone other than this massive sorry excuse that’s exists to bring her Northstar down.

“No! No! Okay, we can fix this.. I just…” She needed to be her own father right now and spin the positives out of the extreme negatives of this tense suffocating situation- “Kids leave the nest all the time and it’s perfectly natural for them to explore parts of themselves that they never could’ve possibly imagined they had in them… yet you know that so…” Nora felt as if the last piece of this entire ‘puzzle’ finally slot into place.. she adjusted her posture and crossed her arms- “Dad… she’s really sweet- I promise, you can trust her with me.. oh! I know you can come along with us to the newest gallery opening- I know you love art and Azu makes morphs… why don’t you tag along?”

To say the older woman was growing aggravated and the entire charade with Nora and her father felt like excessive coddling.. in Azuli’s family household, this many words wouldn’t fly at the table so to see them so openly wailing… it was really harshing the vibes that were promised last night.. they were planning this for the past three months, why would that girl jeopardize it for sake of some sentimental old lunatic thats way out of his bridges- it was repulsive.

continued | @erisdiamas

The doting father was happily cooking up blueberry pancakes for his three kids. His long locks tied back by a sparkly scrunchie that looked like it was made from the cosmos itself. He hummed out a tune as he served up three plates of blueberry pancakes, one for each of his kids, while he had the reject/sacrifice pile of pancakes deemed not perfect enough for his children.

The father heard the revving of a motorcycle and saw the irritated calico cats coming down the stairs. A slight grimace on formed on the 5 o'clock shadow on the mans face, his eyes hidden in the shadow of his bangs as he moves to cut up fresh fruit. It seemed inconsiderate for someone to be revving a motorcycle at 6am. But his mood seemed to brighten seeing his daughter come down the stairs from her room. "Good morning, Princess." He said with a warm smile setting out the warm steaming tower of pancakes. "I made blueberry pancakes... come and get them while they are nice and hot, syrups on the side, whip creams in the fridge, if you want ice cream I think we have a couple scoops of vanilla left."

Stephen was working on a whole slew of assignments ranging from math to science, to art to music, to after school activities he was trying to schedule his life around. He mumbled something along the lines of needing 5 more minutes to finish what he was doing before feeling the unseen gaze of their father before he let out a soft groan. "I know... what you're about to say." "Working hard is important, but feeling good is important to, so settle down with the work and enjoy time with your family." The both of them said in unison, before Stephen shoved a large pancake into his mouth, muffling the words "happy now?" He chuckled and ruffled his sons hair before looking over toward Stevie, and the mysterious person at the door. The man's parental instincts rang out as this leather jacket wearing woman just spelled trouble the moment she stepped a foot into the door with her

Stevie was in a whirlwind of emotions. He didn't like lying to their dad, but he made a promise to his sister to keep her out of trouble. He heard his father's tone and maybe he didn't notice that Nora's nighttime friend was over, but in his panic, he didn't think to tell her to go away and come back later, he blurted out. "Nope. Never met anyone named Nora... there's no Nora's around here.... nope, not here, she's been dead for 5 years... goodbye." He replied before getting startled by the smooch on the cheek, and before he could ask anything, suddenly there father was behind Stevie.

"Excuse me... where do you think you're going Mrs. Demayo." He replied gently holding her shoulder then turning her to face him. His eyes still hidden in the shadows. Nora, who is this?" His tone caried the cadence of an understandably worried father, wondering what his sweet daughter was doing with someone who screamed every father's worst nightmare.

[uselesssomebody]

𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕛𝕒𝕔𝕜𝕖𝕥 - billy hargove x reader

complete masterlist | stranger things masterlist | billy hargrove masterlist

words || 𝟚𝕜

series masterlist || week to all hallows' eve

summary || in which billy's got the same outfit as someone else

a/n || writing daily is hard oh my god?? who woulda guessed?

➵ part of my 'week to hallows' eve' halloween countdown. check out the masterlist ^ ➵ i am not a billy apologist! he is a piece of fucking work in the show, but this is fiction and he is represented differently for the sake of fantasy.

➵ actually why have all of these been the same length idek how i do it

➵ not yet proofread

➵ send me requests if you have ‘em. enjoy!

warnings || fluff/angst

➵ there is one incident of accidentally kissing someone w/o consent!

he looked so stupid. he glanced down at himself in his rearview, adjusting the collar of his shirt and tapping ask off of his cigarette, a puff of smoke escaping his lips and out of the open car window. the low hum of the car filled his ears, as he tried to drown out the noises of the children a couple blocks away. trick-or-treaters lined the streets, accompanied by their friends and family, and he just hoped that they could get out of here before they reached this part of the cul-de-sac.

the tapping on the window of his passenger determined that his wish had been granted, and he’s quick to unlock the door and allow her in. she looked fucking stunning, hair curled and tousled to perfection, outfit hanging snugly over her frame.

“hey, billy.” he almost misses her greeting as he’s too busy ogling her.

“hey, baby. y’look good.” he can see her blush, and she smiles sweetly, before checking the watch on her wrist.

“thanks! oh, the party’s starting pretty soon, we should get going.” he nods, complying, and driving off.

it had been a long process of convincing billy to dress up for halloween. as much as she loved him, he hated doing things he thought were unnecessary, or sappy. thus, when given the proposal of a couple’s costume, he was reluctant to give in to her hopes.

she’s prodded at him the entire month, suggesting several different pairs for them to go as, and he had - though kindly, and patiently - rejected all of them. finally, after sifting through several options, she presented him with the prospect of playing danny zuko - from one of the many rom-coms that she had put on for the two of them to watch, though that had ended up fading into the background while the indulged in other activities.

thus, they were now on their way to attend a harrington party, their outfits in perfect accentuation of each other. they step out of his shoddily parked car - not his fault, the driveway and adjacent roads were crawling with cars, and he’s quick to wrap an arm around her shoulder, pressing a chaste kiss to her forehead. his leather jacket hugs his torso - and he looks fucking good - but, seeing the smattering of goosebumps on her exposed shoulders, he’s quick to drape it over her

it does complete her look, and she smiles at the fact as they enter. she liked to greet the host first and foremost whenever she went to a party, but she couldn’t find steve ‘the hair’ harrington anywhere. besides, knowing her boyfriend’s tumultuous relationship with the guy, she figured it be best to just drop it.

as billy grabs them both a beer, she scours the room, and, seeing no other dannys and sandys, she breathes a sigh of relief. she’d been fretting that their costume was absolutely unoriginal, and that they’d be surrounded by doubles the entire night, but she was pleasantly surprised that that wasn’t the case.

she jumped a bit when billy snaked his arm around her middle, turning around and sighing in relief when she realized who it was. he handed her a can and, though she didn’t particularly favor drinking beer, she took a long, wincing sip. he smiles at her, looking at her fondly as she swallows the acidic flavor. it was something so small and, to most, not noteworthy, but he found himself loving every move of her very expressive face.

she was so open with how she felt, never shying away from smiling, or making her sadness heard in a way that it could be resolved, or her worry and fear. and, though it sometimes upset him, seeing her upset, he found it was infinitely better than having her hide how she felt from him.

he’d done that for far too long, and he was well aware of how damaging it had been for all of his relationships.

and, he still did it. he found himself seeing himself - in car windows, in glass door, in rearview mirrors - with a vacant gaze in his eyes, his lips pressed in a thin, unemotive line. she could still figure him out, though. she could tell when his vacant eyes had the fire of anger or upset in them, or the way his lips twitched up slightly when he would reminisce of his fonder memories. she could tell when he loved the movie she’d put on - the one he’d bemoaned as she placed it into the player - and she could also tell when all he wanted to do was pass out after a long day. she was quick to let him, tracing her fingers lightly over his clavicle, scalp and shoulders - under the guise of simply feeling touchy - and knocking him out within minutes. she could also tell that he still had no idea that she knew how well that system work.

billy didn’t think he believed in love. but, when confronted with someone who oozed love as she did, it was a little difficult. besides, of his pick of people to fall for, that gleam in her eyes definitely put her in first place - by a long margin.

he’s broken out of his thoughts by a pat on his shoulder from one of the guys on the basketball team, greeting him and inviting him to join a game a beer pong. he turns to pull her along with him, but finds her in conversation with a friend. so, instead, he simply waves at her to let her know she’s leaving, and tries to hold onto the image of her sweet smile goodbye as he’s lead away.

her friend’s had her entangled in conversation - complimenting her outfit, gushing about the movie, and fawning over how good she and billy looked together. she smiled at the praise, while equally ecstatic over their own fantastic outfits. they’d talked and talked - for a while now - as one of them had been supplying everyone cans of beer or strawberry-flavored punch. she’d been careful not to get too wasted, but she could feel the slight comfort brought by the onset of relaxing alcohol in her muscles, even building up the courage to begin dancing with one of her friends.

it’s a haze of bodies, loud music, and dumb giggles from the pair of them, and she suddenly sees the blond hair and black t-shirt of her boyfriend. it hadn’t been very long since they’d parted, but it felt like an eternity, and she’s quick to pull away from her friend and quickly make her way towards him.

she hugs him from behind, spinning him around and pressing a deep kiss on his lips, closing her eyes as she sank into his touch. just as quickly as she allowed herself to be comfortable, though, she tensed again. his lips were more chapped than usual, his aftershave smelt different than when she’d been in his car, and his hair had less volume that usual.

before she can climb off of him, he’s being pushed away from her, and she stumbles forward, into another blond with a black shirt - who smelt and felt much more like her boyfriend.

for the past few moments, billy had heard the shocked voices behind him, and directed his gaze to the center of everyone’s attention. he figured it was something stupid, before his mouth hung open at the image of his girlfriend clinging onto some fucking guy - in the way that she was supposed to hold him. it took him less than a second to get there, gripping at the guy’s shirt and wrenching away from her, the ordeal making his stomach churn in an unforgiving mix of anger, pain and disgust.

“who the fuck are you?” billy’s voice is gruff, the timbre of it deep and the rage shaking his body to the point where she could even recognize the vibrations. she blinked, looking up, and realized that whoever she’d kissed had absolutely not been billy. he was danny zuko, but not the one to her sandy.

“i - i don’t -” he begins stammering, as billy advances on him, the area of the room having gone eerily silent as everyone predicted a - bloody and short - fight.

“you think you can just touch my girl?” it’s a rhetorical question, but the guy tries his best to respond. seeing billy swing at him, she yanks his arm hard, in an attempt to stop him.

“bill - billy, stop it! it’s not like that, oh my god!” her voice tightens in desperation, and she throws her whole body weight into stopping that punch, practically hanging off his arm. it works in pulling him back a few steps, enough to diffuse the situation. he turns to look at her face and, seeing the glisten of tears in her eyes, he clenches his jaw, grabbing her arm and pulling away from the scene. in a series of choked exclamations, she attempts to apologize to the poor guy she had accidentally violated and nearly gotten injured.

he sits in silence in his ford, not having - as he usually did - opened the door for his girlfriend. not knowing what to say, and also knowing that he needed a moment to calm down, she attempted to suppress her light sobs, the alcohol in her system absolutely not helping in keeping her emotions in check.

when billy turned to look at her, he felt his soul depress at the sight of her screwed shut eyes - an attempt to hinder any more liquid from escaping them. though, remembering his previous thought, he had to accept the width of her expressive emotions - including the times that she cried. he turned to face her better, taking her face in his large hand and thumbing away her tear tracks.

“i’m sorry, god, i’m sorry, billy, i-” she chokes it out, whispering so as to not disturb the sobs caught in her throat and introduce a new wave of tears.

“it’s alright, babe, it’s alright.” for every apology, he reassures her, knowing that this was all some misunderstanding that she would explain in good time to him. she grips at the hand on her cheek, allowing it to ground her as she steadied her breathing. she was careful to wipe off her remaining tears with her palms, as opposed to her usual method of using her sleeves, as she didn’t want to ruin billy’s cherished jacket. realizing this, he felt his heart swell and, suddenly, his shock and anger became to secondary - secondary to her.

“i -” she hiccuped, and blew a deep breath out of her mouth to calm herself, “i saw him from behind and he looked like you, and i thought it was you, and i had missed you since you went off with your friends, and janice and i had had a couple glasses of punch, and i just wanted to feel you again, and-” she was rambling - a tendency she had when she was upset, and one he thought was sweet. he’s lightly shushing her, letting her know that she doesn’t have to continue explaining herself, and he pulls his face towards him, placing a soft - too soft for billy hargrove, but nonetheless - kiss on her lips.

now, she really did sink into it, with no reservations: his lips were soft and smooth against her own, he smelt like him, and she was able to really dig into his hair and pull at his locks. she cherished the feeling, trying to wash away the memory of the previous, not-exactly-right kiss at the party.

when he broke away, she wanted to chase his face, not quite done with him yet. he laughs, realizing the attempt, and she likes the sound of it, a smile gracing her own lips. his smile dies down, though, his lips pressing into a graver purse.

“i’m sorry for acting like that, babe.” he thought his days of getting into petty, drunken fights were in the past - in face, it was a vow to be better that he had attempted in her honor - and he couldn’t help but feel ashamed at the crass reaction.

“no! no, i - you -” she was stuttering, not sure how to collect her thoughts, “i get it. i’m sorry for scaring you.” the retract slowly, and he places his hands on the wheel.

“wanna go home?” she’s quick to nod.

“please. let’s go watch a movie.” he laughs, remembering the stack of halloween rentals she still had, and knowing that they’d have a long night ahead of them. she looks quite excited at the prospect of a movie marathon with him, and, as he look at her big doe eyes and the way that his jacket sits pretty on her shoulders, he smiles.

“i love you, babe.” it’s a soft statement, and it shocks her a little - as much as she knows his feelings to her, he was never very brazen in verbally representing it. nevertheless, she smiles warmly at him.

“i love you too, billy.