#realized actually how badly I wanna change my theme more often but as you know I have my pfp dedication

[rotisseries]

OMG YOURE PURPLE

yeah!!!!

[ncityislove]

Faith

➳ Pairing: Church boy!Mark x soft dom!reader (fem. reader)

➳ Genre: smut

➳ Word Count: 5.9K

Warnings: religious themes, corruption kink, rough sex, spitting, oral (male receiving), handjob, swearing, unprotected sex

A/N: this may be the filthiest thing I’ve ever written lol and don’t be afraid to leave feedback since my readers like to reblog in silence

You’ve had your eye on Mark Lee since two summers ago when you first met him at church camp. He had just moved into the city, his parents sending him off to their newly found church to make friends in an attempt to cheer up their homesick son. He did make a friend—quite a few of them actually—all of the boys who couldn't even look a girl in the eye without shifting their pants. Naturally, they all kept their distance from you and other girls and that's how they liked it. The other girls had their sights on the older guys in camp, whispering rumors of how experienced they must be and how badly they wanted their virginities taken by either of the gentlemen.

You, on the other hand, didn't partake in those conversations, zoning out almost immediately every time the conversation drifted in that direction. More often than not your mind wondered towards Mark. His nervous and awkward demeanor piqued your interest right away and you couldn't help but imagine how he'd react if you spoke to him. How he'd trip over his words and panic. Or what he would do if you kissed him—what would he do if your lips kissed him somewhere lower? You didn't know. That's how two years later, on the last day of church camp, you decided to find out.

You waited all day to get Mark by himself, his gang of friends was seemingly glued to his sides since the early hours of the morning activities. Now, finally, he was alone, fishing the coins out of his pockets to get a snack from the vending machines. You pranced up to him, an evil smile stretching across your lips.

"Hey," you leaned your arm against the glass, blocking the machine.

His eyebrows shot up, his eyes blinking rapidly at your sudden appearance.

"You're Mark right?" you asked the both of you knowing very well you already knew his name. He nodded, his eyes shining with curiosity.

You've never been this close to him before. Your eyes raked up and down his form taking in what you didn't notice before as his fingers fidgeted with his change under your unwavering gaze.

Your eyes fixated on the coins peeking through his pretty long fingers. "Do you have any more? I'm starving."

"No, sorry. I only have enough left for one thing," his lips pouted in guilt. "W-we can share if you want?"

You tilted your head, thinking about his offer. He was just as sweet as you imagined him to be. You didn't know many people who would share their only snack with a stranger.

"That's okay," you declined, smiling sweetly at him. "You wanna walk down to the docks, instead?"

"The docks?" he repeated, dumbly. The change jingled in hands loudly now as he struggled to give you a proper answer. He needed more persuading. You wanted him too badly to let him get away now.

"I wanna see the sunset one last time, ya know? We won't be able to come back next year."

It was true this was your last year being able to attend. The church stops allowing people to come once they reach a certain age and you and Mark weren't getting any younger. Honestly, though, you couldn't care less about a sunset you've seen a thousand times since you were twelve however Mark seemed to buy it.

"I guess you're right. Sure," he nervously chuckled before inserting his money into the machine.

You moved away from the glass trying to hide your giddiness as he punched a few buttons, a black metal lever catching a marshmallow treat from the top corner and releasing it for his eager hands to reach.

You sat cross-legged on the edge of the docks, facing the pink and purple sky as Mark unraveled the foil to his treat. You could smell the sickly sweet scent of marshmallows as he chomped down a large chunk of it, humming in satisfaction.

"Mark?" You called and he looked towards you, his left cheek bulging adorably.

Your eyes softened when he shoved the treat in your face, gesturing for you to take a bite. You giggled breaking a small piece off and popping it into your mouth.

"You wanna know something?"

Mark smiled, his black locks bouncing as he nodded his head.

"I've been wanting to talk to you for a long time," you admitted, your eyes meeting his as he stopped chewing.

"M-me? Really?" he stuttered, his ears turning red.

He looked cute when he was embarrassed, you thought to yourself. You wondered how far you could go before you made him uncomfortable.

"Are you a virgin, Mark?" the question flying out of your mouth without a second thought.

His eyes went wide, his hand flying to his mouth as he choked on his food. You laughed out loud as you patted his back.

Mark cleared his throat, his face beet red. "Uh-um...w-why?" he coughed again.

You shrugged, trying to seem as nonchalant as possible. "Just curious."

"Are you one? A virgin, I mean?" he asked. You could sense the hesitancy in his voice.

You shook your head, your hand landing on top of his at the same time. He tensed at the contact, his eyes still as wide as saucers.

"Are you?"

"Yes," he looked back at the sun resting above the lake, a blush creeping up the back of his neck.

You wanted nothing more than to taint every ounce of purity in his body. Your tongue darted across your lips as you took in the view his sculpted profile. The straight bridge of his nose, the slight crease in his brow as he squinted in the rays of the sun and finally the pink plush petals of his lips. He was so pretty you wanted to steal him and do everything you could imagine and more to him. You would absolutely ruin him if he'd let you.

"Don't you ever get horny?" you asked, your thumb rubbing against his wrist.

He gulped, still looking straight ahead as he nodded again. "Doesn't everyone?"

You hummed in agreement. "What do you do when that happens? Do you just ignore it?"

"No...well I try to."

"Have you ever?..." you trailed off.

He nodded again, his other hand balling into a fist in his lap, crumpling the empty foil.

"What would you say if I told you I'm horny right now?" you asked, your teeth clamping on your lower lip in anticipation.

He was looking at you now with an unreadable expression, his eyes clouded with something you couldn't recognize. You stared at each other for a beat before his eyes cowered away.

You were surprised to feel his fingers intertwining with yours after being so sure you must've scared him off. Your shoulders relaxed as you curled your fingers around his, giving his hand a squeeze. You took your free hand, tilting his face, forcing him to look at you as you closed in the space between you.

"Is this okay?" you asked, your faces so close you could feel his warm breath tickling your nose.

He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out, his lips clamping and opening over and over until you laughed, endeared by his shyness.

He tried to look away, clearly embarrassed, but you forced his chin back towards you. He opted for a nod this time, his teeth tugging harshly on his lip. You pulled at it with your thumb, watching intently as the flesh was freed from the harshness of his teeth, tracing over it with a gentleness you didn't know you possessed.

"You have such pretty lips. Like a doll," you said aloud causing Mark to groan in embarrassment.

"It's true," you insisted, your noses touching as you inched closer to him.

When you pressed your lips against his, a tremor ran through your body, the moment you've been dreaming about finally becoming reality. Mark was delicate. As far as you knew, he probably never even kissed a girl before but you were greedy. The haste in the way you moved to saddle his lap only further proved how needy you were for him. He tried to keep up with you, his tongue swirling around yours in hopes of pleasing you. He was cute. Too damn cute for his own good.

You broke away, your lungs feeling tight from not getting enough oxygen. Mark panted, his lips glossy with saliva, his big brown eyes looking at you in a way that made you want to tease him until he was whining and shivering under your touch but you suddenly realized your surroundings. A camp counselor could spot the two of at any given moment if they already haven't. The docks weren't exactly a private spot.

You stood up, holding your hand out. "Come."

Mark quickly took his trembling hand in yours, getting to his feet. You walked in silence, the only sounds that could be heard were the soft crunch of the grass under your sneakers. If Mark was having second thoughts, he didn't voice it.

The sun had set now and you had to be quick before everyone came back from evening prayer to eat dinner. You led up the steps to the girls' cabin, pausing at the door to look back at Mark, who seemed hesitant.

"Um..." he started, his gaze fixated at his feet.

"Yes, Mark?"

"Aren't we gonna miss prayer?"

"Do I make you feel like you need to pray, Mark?" you scoffed in a teasing tone.

He squeezed your hand as he ducked his head abashedly.

"I won't make you do anything you don't want to," you said, your voice serious. "Do you want to come in?"

He watched as you opened the door, releasing your hands from his. His hands dropped to his sides as you witnessed him have an internal battle with himself. You smiled triumphantly when he followed you inside.

The bunks were messy and there was stuff thrown half-hazardously around the floor as everyone was packing for their return home tomorrow. The boys' cabin was in much worse condition from what you'd seen.

Your bunk was in the back of the room on the bottom. You had Mark sit down on the edge of the bed with you, your hands already wondering up and down his jean-clad thigh.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" you asked one last time.

"Yes," he gulped.

After getting his consent, your hands traveled from his thigh to his crotch, where he was already hard. His erection was straining against his pants so badly it must've been uncomfortable. His eyes shut tightly as you squeezed him through his jeans, a shaky sigh leaving his lips. Even though he seemed sure, you didn't plan on going too far with him—no matter how badly you wanted to.

You took your time unbuttoning his jeans, carefully watching his face for any signs of discomfort. When your hand finally wrapped around him skin-to-skin he let out the most beautiful moan you ever heard, his stomach tightening at your touch. He was big too. Bigger than you had anticipated but your gaze was fixed on his face instead. You looked at him in awe, the real thing incomparable to what you could possibly imagine in your wildest dreams. His eyes were still shut, his hot breath fanning evenly on your face.

"Sweetie, can you open your eyes?" you asked.

He shook his head, only squeezing his eyes tighter.

"Please? For me?" you said, your voice light.

He opened them slowly, his eyes finally connecting with yours and your pulse quickened. He looked breathtaking. His jaw was clenched and his eyebrows were furrowed as if he was focused on something.

"Spit," you commanded.

"Huh?" his eyes enlarged to the size of saucers.

"Spit on it," you said simply.

Mark looked grossed out but complied, nonetheless, a silver pool of liquid falling onto his reddened tip, leaving a wet trail as it traveled down his shaft. You massaged his length making sure to spread it around, causing him to gasp, bucking into your hands.

"Again," you said and he seemed much more willing this time as another pool of saliva landed on his tip, a shaky whimper emitting from him as you tugged at the base of his length. He knew what he was doing was wrong but it felt so damn good. There was time to regret it later but right now all he could think about was how much he never wanted you to stop. This was a feeling he never felt before, and dare he say it, it felt like heaven. He felt a twinge of guilt at how much he was enjoying this. He was sinning. He wasn't supposed to like it so much yet somehow the fact only turned him on further. And you. You were the embodiment of temptation. You were so beautiful, Mark couldn't say no to you even if he tried.

"How's this?" you ask just as you dig your finger into the angry head of his dick. Mark threw his head back, his nose crinkling as he moaned half from pleasure and half in pain. You soothed your finger over his slit as pre-cum came gushing from the hole. He whimpered again when you twisted your hand around him roughly, his teeth re-capturing his lower lip to muffle his sounds.

"Is it good?" you asked again. Your craving to his voice motivating your actions.

"S-so good," he replied, a shiver running through his body when you caught his eye. You pushed his legs open wider with your foot.

"Has anyone touched you like this before?" you asked, question after question spilling out of your mouth before you could stop them.

His cheeks turned rosy as he shook his head, his breath hitching in his throat when his sensitive head slid across the wet palm of your hand.

"Holy-" he started but didn't finish, catching himself before he let the word slip through his lips.

"Say it," you whispered, your teeth nipping at his jaw. "I dare you."

"H-holy...holy-"

"Say it," you urged him on, your tongue swirling over the harsh bone of his jaw.

"Shit, shit, shit," he moaned, his hand fisting around your loose t-shirt.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" you let your pace quicken as you asked him.

He groaned as his head fell onto your shoulder, shying away from your questions.

To see this side of Mark was exhilarating. He looked so guilty only having said a silly word that wasn't even that bad but still, you did pressure him into it. You kissed the top of his sweaty head tenderly, Mark's body slumping further into yours like a chain reaction. He tilted his head up, his lips begging for a kiss which you easily granted him, his whines being silenced by the clash of your lips. The kiss was sloppy and your breaths mingled with one another as you pulled away for a breath every few seconds.

You could hear the faint sound of whistles blowing in the distance. Evening prayer was over meaning the other girls were on their way back to get ready for dinner.

"Are you close?" you mumbled into his lips. Mark was far too out of it to even notice what was going on. He only chased after your lips that you had so cruelly taken away from him.

"Ah, ah, ah," you pulled away from him. "You need to answer my question, angel."

He let a wanton moan, somewhere in between you could barely understand a 'yes'.

"You have to cum, Mark," you pressed your lips to his forehead, your wrists snapping faster in contrast. "The girls will be back soon and you don't want them to see us, do you?"

Mark let out weak moan, his cock twitching in your hands. You lifted an eyebrow. Did that turn him on?

"You like the sound of that?" you asked teasingly. "Everyone seeing you like this."

The fist on your shirt only got tighter as his moans rose in pitch. "You'll be a good boy and come for me won't you?" you asked not waiting for an answer. "Cum."

His balls got tight as he twitched in your hand again, the veins on his length protruding in warning. His breath hitched in his throat before his climax rocketed through his body, his jaw hanging agape as thick white ropes of cum came spurting all over your hand like a geyser.

His body relaxed as he fell backward onto the bed, completely spent. You wiped your hands on the bedspread trying to ignore the throbbing in your core as you reached for something to clean him up as quickly as possible. The closest thing you could find was an old band t-shirt that belonged to the girl in the top bunk and you whispered an apology before using the fabric to wipe him clean and tuck his softening dick away in the confines of his jeans just as your friend, Ali waltzed in.

Mark would've shot up if he wasn't so exhausted but he couldn't feel his legs at the moment so he feigned sleep which made you roll your eyes. A few girls came in afterwards giving you odd looks as they passed by. You nudged Mark and he reluctantly sat up, his elbows holding up his upper body.

"I didn't know you guys were friends," Lizzie, the girl he slept in the bunk across from you commented.

"Really? We're pretty close. Right, Mark?" everyone turned to look at Mark, who looked like he just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Yep! Yeah, me and __ are totally close!" he blurted with a fake smile plastered on his face. You inwardly face-palmed yourself. He was a bad liar too. Great.

"I didn't see you in prayer," Lizzie mused. "Come to think of it, I didn't see Mark either."

Mark's eyes widened as he searched for an explanation.

"It's our last day and I didn't want to spend it huddled up around the campfire to say the same old prayer."

Lizzie nodded but looked unconvinced. She knew you well enough to know that wasn't the full story.

"Didn't you say you were hungry earlier?" you turned to Mark. "Let's go eat!" you yanked him up and tugged him by the arm to the door, receiving more weird looks from your bunkmates.

"They knew! It was so obvious! We shouldn't have done that—what was I thinking?" Mark blurted as soon as you were out of earshot of anyone.

"Calm down," you giggled. "Sure, it was weird to find you in the girls' cabin but no one would suspect you of doing anything."

"Why not?" Mark asked, a pout on his lips in genuine confusion. You didn't have the heart to tell him everyone thought he was a prude who couldn't hold a conversation with the opposite sex so you patted him on the head instead, telling him not to worry about it.

-

Since then, you saw Mark every Sunday morning at church but you never spoke. He always looked so antsy during those few hours, his eyes flicking away if you accidentally made eye contact. You'd try to hold in the chuckle when you saw him turn red as he faced the preacher. It was endearing how nervous he became around you and it was painfully obvious that sexual tension was still there but you decided it was a one-time thing. You'd gotten what you wanted from Mark.  

Though it didn't help how good he looked in his dressy button-ups and slacks so tight you could see the perfect shape of his ass—and if you focused hard enough, the outline of his dick. You tried not to notice but one look at the man and your mind went back to that hot afternoon at camp. It was a trap really, how he came in looking so prim and pretty. It made you want to wrinkle his freshly ironed shirt and ruffle his perfectly combed hair while you fucked him in one of the empty youth group rooms.

That was wrong. If you weren't going to hell before you certainly are now. It was a Sunday for goodness sake, you were standing in the house of God. You looked to your parents who's heads were bowed in prayer as the preacher gave his lengthy monologue on his journey to his faith. You couldn't ignore your curiosity, wanting to take the chance to sneak a peek at Mark, who evidently had the same idea because when you turned he was already looking at you. His lips formed in an 'o' shape as he held up a hand awkwardly. You waved back, a knowing smirk playing on your lips. He mouthed something to you, but you couldn't make it out so you tilted your head in confusion.

He pointed at you this time as he repeated himself and you got it.

'How have you been?'

You smiled. You doubted he had any actual interest in how you were but was just trying to be polite.

'Good.' you lifted a thumb. 'And you?'

Mark mimicked you, raising his thumb. 'Bathroom?'

Bathroom?

He tilted his head toward the door and you had to make sure you weren't going crazy. Was he asking you what you thought he was? You agreed although you were unsure exactly of what he wanted but that was something you wanted to find out. You waited a few more minutes for the prayer to end and the ushers finally re-opened the doors.

Mark whispered something to his parents before squeezing out of his row, meeting your eyes briefly before heading out the side doors. You did the same, mumbling apologies as you ducked out of the room.

Mark was leaning against the wall next to the restrooms when you emerged. He was wearing baby pink today, a color you thought suited him well.

"Hey," he said in a soft voice.

"Mark," you greeted him. "What's up?"

He clasped his hands, his teeth showing as he gave you a jittery smile. "I just...well we haven't spoken in a while."

"True," you said, your palm laying flat against the wall for support. "You just wanted to catch up?"

"Not exactly..."

"You want something from me?" you said not really asking as you closed in the large gap between each other.

Mark swallowed, clearing his throat as he gathered the courage to continue. "I just can't stop thinking about that day when you...you know."

You crossed your arms over your chest waiting for him to finish.

"Every Sunday I see you and I start to have bad thoughts. Really bad thoughts."

You understood that feeling.

He took a deep breath. "I want it to stop but I can't control it. I shouldn't be thinking about such sinful things at church."

"And what do you want me to do about it?" It wasn't as if you could undo that day. What's done is done.

"I think...I-I want to do it again," he blurted.

You couldn't say you weren't expecting this but it still surprised you to hear it. He must've been thinking about it for a long time. Mark wasn't the type to initiate these kinds of things—especially at church.

"Here?" you raised a brow.

"No!...yes?" he scratched his head, his lips pursed in deep thought.

You cupped his cheek with your hand, his eyes snapping to yours immediately. "You want me to give you a handjob in the middle of service? Is that what you're asking?"

Mark groaned, licking his lips as he nodded frantically, his eagerness causing you to giggle. The good, innocent little Christian boy you met not too long ago was long gone now. You had turned him into something else. He wasn't innocent anymore, needless to say, you wouldn't enjoy it as much as the first time.

"I'd love to give you a hand, angel, but that was a one-time thing."

Mark wilted at your words, placing his hand on top of the one cupping his face. "I-I'm so hard, please? I promise I'll make you feel good too this time," he begged, blinking those big brown eyes that held the galaxy at you.

He must've known that was your weakness. Mark caught on to more than you thought.

"Have you done that before? Made a girl feel good?"

"No...but you can teach me," he said, squeezing your hand.

You didn't have time for this. Your "bathroom break" excuse won't work if you stayed out here any longer, yet, you were crumbling towards Mark's offer. No, he wasn't as innocent as you would've liked but everything about his face screamed virgin to you. He was still pure. And desperate for you more than anything.  

You cursed, pulling Mark into the family restroom ordering him to lock the door. Mark was on you before you could blink, pinning you against the wall as his lips smashed onto yours. His kisses were gentle however, his lips still as soft and warm as you remembered. His erection pressed into your hip and you could feel just how hard he was.

Mark's head was already spinning, all the blood rushing from his head down somewhere lower. This time he didn't feel guilty about what he was about to do. He would later on but right now all he could think about was you. How he'd never seen you naked but how great he knew you looked underneath the loose yellow dress you were  sporting. How tiny and dainty your hands were but how wonderful you could make him feel when you used them. How addicting the taste of your lips were and no matter how long he kissed you it was never enough. He wanted to have you completely—to see all of you—to feel all of you.

His tongue slowly prodded into your mouth and you briefly let him take initiative as he suckled on the tip of your tongue, pulling a soft whine from you and then you felt it. Mark subtly grinding his erection on your side. He let out small pants, enjoying the rough friction as he got off on your leg.

You suddenly remembered you had a time limit, pushing his body away from yours. Mark looked like a lost puppy, a sound of disappointment leaving his lips. You pulled the collar of his shirt, switching places as you pressed his back against the door. He let out a long sigh as you raked your fingernails up his thigh, slowly, slowly tracing over his clothed cock. He was getting impatient, his desperation only growing as you teased him but he didn't dare complain.

It felt like ages until you dipped your hand into the waistband of his pants. You took him into the palm of your hand, letting your fingers trail down his length before pulling him free, his thickness standing at attention for your hungry eyes to drink up. He was so hard it looked painful, the torn expression on his face as he watched you only further led you to believe so. His juicy reddened tip was already slick with essence and the temptation to take him into your mouth was all too strong as you bent down to kitten lick him and Mark keened in surprise.

You licked along the underside of his shaft causing Mark to squirm and you had to warn him to keep still. Mark had never felt anything like this. Everything felt so new when he was with you and he loved that. Just when he thought it couldn't get any better it did.

Mark's head flung back, hitting the door with a soft thud as you wrapped your lips around him completely. He let out an airy moan, his hand finding the top of your head and clutching onto the strands. You hallowed your cheeks as you sucked, your forehead touching his stomach once you reached the base.

Mark was loud, any recollection of where he was must've escaped his mind somewhere in between now and the moment you kissed him.

You pulled off of him with a small 'pop' taking in a much needed breath. Mark's eyes were only half-open, seeming just as out of breath as you.

"Do you want to try something?" you asked, your voice coming out weaker than you intended it to.

"Anything," Mark quickly agreed.

" 'Want you to fuck my mouth."

He frowned at that. "Won't that hurt you?"

"No, baby. It won't hurt," you giggled.

He smiled weakly, as he laughed at himself ignoring the warm feeling in your stomach that arose when he made you promise it wouldn't hurt.

You opened your mouth for him as he positioned himself, hissing when you pressed your tongue against him. He pushed himself to the back of your throat, grunting as he pulled your hair taut. He was gentle at first, his hips thrusting into your mouth slowly until he got more comfortable, filling your mouth until he was balls deep. His cock was down your throat, blocking your airways but even when you felt like your lungs were gonna burst you didn't want him to stop. The thought of him spilling his warm seed down your throat made it worth it. His nose scrunching up as he felt his climax approaching was all you wanted to see. His lips plump from his teeth digging into them as he cried out for as he came was just as beautiful a sight as ever.

The warm substance trickled down your throat as he emptied his seed into you, still rutting himself into your mouth as he rode out his high.

He fell back onto the door, his grip on your hair still firm as he caught his breath. He looked down at you. Your eyes dark and mouth slick with his cum. It was the hottest thing he ever witnessed; better than anything he'd ever seen in porn.

You rose to your feet, your thighs trembling from being in a squat for so long. Mark pulled you until your foreheads were touching, his lips pecking yours softly. He cringed at the taste of himself on you.

"I wanna be inside you," he admitted, his hands locking on your waist. "Can I?"

You blinked, caught off guard by his bluntness. "You wanna lose your virginity in the bathroom of a church?" you shook your head at him with a mischievous grin. "Naughty boy."

Mark looked flushed as he watched you pull the straps of your dress down, your bra coming into view.

"You want to touch them?"

"Please," he answered, his eyes trained on the fullness of your breasts.

"You're so pathetic," you taunted. "Look at you, all worked up. I bet you've imagined this before, haven't you?"

Mark had no shame as he nodded immediately.

"Dirty little boy," you clicked your tongue as you put his palms on your chest, allowing him free reign.

"Have you touched yourself to the thought of me, angel?"

Heat rose to Mark's cheeks as he squeezed your chest, his lips moving to tell you yes. You walked backwards to the sink, hoisting yourself up and opening your legs for him as a reward for his honesty.

Mark looked lost, his soft eyes falling onto your dark ones for assistance. You tugged him toward you, telling him to take off your dark panties. His eyes flew open when he caught a glimpse of how wet you were, a clear string sticking from your heat to your panties as he pulled them down your legs. He moaned out loud as his fingers collected the substance, lewd wet noises filling the air.

"Fill me up, pretty boy," you said wrapping your legs around his waist.

Mark wrapped his sticky fingers around his length, guiding the head to your throbbing heat before pushing into you, his jaw falling slack as he let out a guttural groan. His hand came to land on the mirror behind you as his head hung low, whimpering and moaning at how tight you were. You urged him to move, tapping on his bicep but he was on the verge of cumming. He mumbled apologies as he squeezed his eyes shut, breathing heavily. You stayed like that for a while, his breath falling onto your neck, fully sheathed inside of you. You hadn't felt this full before, the burning sensation both pleasant and painful. You were dying, having him inside you without moving felt like a punishment for something you didn't do.

You accidentally clenching around him is what set him off, his hips snapping into yours. You let out a cry, pleasure shooting up your spine as he rolled his hips into yours, hitting your sweet spot. Your head lulled back, hitting the mirror every time he rutted into you, the faucet digging uncomfortably into your back. It felt like you were floating on cloud nine, your body heating up as Mark fucked you roughly.

Mark was going insane, the tightness of your core pulling him back in every time he pulled out; he was damn near drooling. He could see the bulge in your stomach as he pushed in and out of you, his brain going haywire. He was mesmerized, watching himself leave and re-enter you over and over.

"Fuckkk," he groaned, already losing himself to you.

You whined and whimpered, your nails scraping over the bare skin under his shirt hard enough to leave a mark. His pace was unforgiving, his thrusts powerful and deep. Your cries and whimpers only spur him on, somehow his cock managing to hit deeper.

"Yes, yes, oh fuck," you moaned, your eyes rolling back.

You clenched around him again, your climax jumping at you unexpectedly. The moan you let out was lengthy, your legs shaking as the world around you faded into white.

Mark shivered as he snapped his hips faster. "Oh, God."

Oh, God, indeed. He was hurdling over the edge just seconds after you, warm white cum filled you up leaving you feeling breathless. Mark pulled out of you feeling dirty but the lovely sight of his seed dribbling out of your throbbing hole was almost enough to get him hard again.

The service was surely almost over now, thoughts of your parents filled your memory as you hauled Mark's limp body off of you. You cleaned yourselves up, having to smack Mark's hand away a few times while getting dressed. Mark's hair was a mess and you didn't have a comb to fix it so you did your best to raking it with your fingers before parting ways.

You remembered what he had asked you before he left, his hand interlaced with yours, squeezing tightly as if you might try to let go.

"Can we do this again? I know you said it was a one-time thing before but..." he trailed off.

Your finger rubbed over the soft skin of his lips, pushing your thumb past his teeth and he instantly sucked on the digit, those almond eyes boring right into yours once again.

"You're so well behaved, Mark," you praised.

You looked at him from across the room, his last words ringing in your ears as he licked his lips, staring right back at you.

"You don't have to give me an answer now but promise you'll think about it? I know I will."

[willowbird]

Hi! How are you??? Congrats on 100 sweets!

For the prompt thingy can you write some Andrew and Kevin being best friends and shit (maybe Neil as well... idk) but yeah. please. Thank you<3

Oh! You want Kevin and Andrew going apple-picking and Andrew being his wingman? That’s what you said, right? Right? (also thank you thank you thank you!)

This one got a little bit long again, sorry friends. Rather read it on AO3? None of my formattings transferred over so if you want the full effect of how often I use italics (a lot, it’s a lot, like -- it’s excessive I’m sorry) then you might wanna click the link. Otherwise!! Enjoy :)

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The rusticly decorated archway had a worn sign that proclaimed 'Welcome to Sonny Acres Farm!' far too cheerfully. Andrew looked up at it in disdain and then landed his judgemental stare the reason he was here in the first place.

Kevin was too used to the glare to be affected by it. "It has good reviews," he explained, like that was anywhere close to being a valid excuse for dragging him out here. The sun was warm but the breeze was mild, the fresh scent of autumn leaves made just a bit sweeter by the hint of apples. It was ten in the morning, the world was quiet but alive, and Andrew was disgusted by how fucking beautiful it was. 

"Right." Andrew didn't know why Kevin had wanted to come to this place so badly, but he was sure it had nothing to do with the reviews. First of all, why the fuck was he looking at reviews anyway? Why the fuck would anyone want to go apple picking of all things? When Andrew had asked these perfectly reasonable questions, Kevin had been annoyingly evasive.

'Are you coming or aren't you?' he'd snapped instead of giving a straight answer, already getting flustered. As if it weren't already glaringly obvious that he was hiding something. Which of course meant that Andrew had agreed to go, if only to see what the fuck this was really all about.

"So are we just going to stand here, or…?" Andrew raised a single eyebrow at his distressingly tall best friend, mostly because he knew how much it irritated him.

Since it looked like Kevin was still preparing himself for something, and Andrew was getting impatient, he only gave him a moment to respond before shrugging and striding forward. He passed under the sign and followed the path to the building closest to the parking lot they'd just come from, not bothering to look back and see if the Abominable Anxiety was following or not. The building revealed itself to be a shop, selling everything from Sonny Acres merch like t-shirts and tote bags to baskets of apples and just about every apple-themed product you could imagine. Apple sauce, apple butter, apple candy, apple pies. Apple soap, apple shampoo, apple lotion. Apple plates, apple dresses, apple earrings, apple apples. 

(No, literally, there was a statue thing that was a large apple… made out of smaller apples.)

Also, four shelves of different kinds of apple candles. Andrew wasn't sure whether to be disturbed or impressed.

The bell on the door chimed behind him before he could make up his mind and he looked behind him to see Kevin entering. Andrew looked him dead in the eye and made a slow, simple gesture at the shop, keeping his expression deadpan.

Unaffected, because he was a bastard, Kevin dared to just roll his eyes and walked past Andrew without comment. He walked through the shop to the check-out counter at the back, looking around like some kind of lighthouse-wannabe giraffe man until he came to stand before it. He stood there awkwardly for a moment before knocking on the surface and clearing his throat.

"Uh… hello?"

Andrew continued to look around the shop, discovering a new apple-themed bit of nonsense with each scan of his eyes. His brain was beginning to hurt. He didn't look over at the desk through the shuffle of the clerk or whoever coming out at Kevin's call and didn't really register their greeting in return. He did snap his attention in that direction at Kevin's response though, which was a stammering, awkward, "Oh, hey… yeah. Hi. Apples."

Andrew watched with instant understanding as the veritable catastrophe played out before him. It was a fucking train wreck and Andrew had never been more glad to be at a place called Sonny Acres in his entire fucking life. Kevin hadn't stopped talking. It was like he couldn't, and it just kept getting so much worse which meant it kept getting so much better. Andrew thought about coming to his rescue, he really did. 

"I mean, there are apples here. Of course there are apples. I mean, apples to pick. I came to pick your apples - oh God not YOUR apples! The apples that you grow at the farm. On the farm. On the farm. I promise I understand English grammar."

Oh Kevin. So that's why he's been unable to get a straight answer out of him earlier. There was absolutely nothing straight about this little trip to the apple orchard at all.

The not-straight answer in question was several inches shorter than Kevin but still too tall to be trusted. Additionally, he was wearing a sunny, affectionate smile like he did so often, the expression easy and comfortable on his face. There were even dimples in his light brown cheeks. Ridiculous. His hair was curly and bleached to a springy caramel except for the roots, and was held back with a headband that, yup, had apples on it. Objectively, Andrew could see why Kevin was being an absolute disaster over the man. Personally, he liked someone a little less sunshine and a little more lightning bolt. Or he would, if he did relationships, which he didn't. He didn't even think about them, and certainly not regarding the unfairly hot neighbor that lived across the hall from him and Kevin.

Andrew moved forward, jamming his focus back on the two morons in front of him rather than Idiot Who Shall Not Be Named.

Sonny Acres Sunshine laughed at Kevin's antics like he was being charming, his eyes dancing. Yeah, dancing. Sweet fuck. "You're a riot Kev."

"Yeah, Kev is hysterical," Andrew agreed breezily as he stepped up beside him, looking the other man up and down. "Aren't you Kev? A regular John Mulaney this guy. Hysterical." He slapped Kevin on the back harder than necessary and ignored the glare he got in return. The dumbass could thank him later.

Sonny Sunshine grinned at him. "You must be his roommate. Andrew, right? I'm Jeremy! He's talked a lot about you. I'm glad you guys came."

"Funny," Andrew deadpanned, studying his own fingernails, "he never mentioned you. Wonder why that is."

"So! Apples," Kevin cut in, apparently feeling pushy today. "Ah, we've never been apple picking or anything. Is there a way we should go about this?" 

The process seemed fairly obvious to Andrew, but he let it go.

Jeremy grinned at Kevin, bright and enthusiastic. "I can walk you through it, no problem. You'd be surprised how many people have never been apple picking before."

Somehow Andrew doubted this, but - charitable soul that he was - he let that one go too.

"Really? Fall is supposed to be the time for it though, right?" Kevin attempting to chit-chat was one of the single most pathetic sights Andrew had ever had to witness. It took all his self control not to grimace.

Jeremy didn't seem to notice though. He just kept smiling, watching Kevin talk like -- oh. 

Well then, Andrew's role here had just changed. Andrew could practically see the blue, purple, and pink hearts dancing around his roommates head. Idiot. Ah well, if they were going to do this, they may as well do this. 

Andrew sighed heavily. "Maybe you could just come with us? Kevin owes me a home-made apple pie and I will not suffer subpar apples."

The look of annoyance Kevin shot him morphed quickly to gratitude the second he realized what Andrew was doing. 

Jeremy was oblivious.

"Sure thing! It'd be my pleasure." Andrew didn't miss the way Jeremy looked directly at Kevin as he said that, because clearly neither of these idiots understood subtly. That was fine. It made his job easier. More amusing, too.

Jeremy asked them to give him a moment to recruit something called an 'Alvarez' to watch the shop for him then left them alone, disappearing into the back room.

As soon as he was gone, Andrew dropped a heavily judgemental stare on Kevin. This one had significantly more effect and Andrew was pretty enough to feel smug about that. He let the silence stretch until Kevin visibly strained with how hard he was trying not to squirm. Then and only then did he sigh and release him, granting a benevolent shrug as he strolled lazily around shop, trailing his fingers over the apple merchandise. 

"So," he said, "Jeremy."

"What about him?" God, it was like he wasn't even trying. Andrew gave him a look and Kevin sighed. His shoulders sagged as he accepted defeat and Andrew basked in sweet victory.

"He's just perfect, alright? He's smart, and athletic, and adorable, and perfect, and sweet, and hilarious, and when he suggested I come see the orchard…" Kevin drifted off, like no other explanation was needed. For once, he was right.

"For the record, I fully expect an apple pie out of this." Andrew picked up an apple-shaped snow globe with an apple tree inside it that had miniature apples floating about in place of snow. He shook it and watched the apples spin and cloud around in a murder-red blur for a moment before he looked up at Kevin. "Also, you are buying the ice cream."

Kevin sighed but didn't argue. "What am I supposed to do? I've been out of the dating sphere for a while."

"Kevin you were never in the dating sphere." Kevin's 'dating' experience included mostly a lot of pining and one actual relationship with a girl who had gotten pissed at him for being abused by his shit family. Yeah. Andrew didn't tell Kevin what to do, but he could lay ground rules that the bitch wasn't permitted at their apartment. He also corrected Kevin every time he said her name by muttering 'Traitorous Bitch' until Kevin finally saw reason and broke up with her.

"You aren't being helpful." My, someone was whiny today.

Andrew set down the snow globe. "Want my advice?"

"Yes!"

"Offer to suck his cock."

"Andrew!" Kevin looked so scandalized one would think a nineteenth-century rake had just asked him to bare his ankles. 

Andrew rolled his eyes. "Just be up-front with him, Kev. You like him, tell him. Be honest about what you want, ask him what he wants. Talk about it. Take it from there."

"What if I embarrass myself?!"

"Then you embarrass yourself." Andrew shrugged and scooped up an apple-shaped hackysack. He tossed it into the air a few times then grabbed another and tossed them back and forth. "What is the worst that could happen? Mr. Sunshine says 'no thanks'?"

Kevin scowled at him. "Yeah, and then refuses to ever even look at me again."

Andrew scooped up a third applesack (hackyapple?) and adjusted his rhythm before he landed his judgement back on Kevin. "If he never speaks to you again just for being honest with him then he isn't worth your time to begin with." He stared at Kevin for several revolutions of his pattern, the schick of the hackyapples hitting and leaving his palms the only sound in the shop. 

Predictably, Kevin was the one to look away first. Andrew gave him a moment and added a fourth hackyapple to the pattern. 

"I really like him…" Kevin finally said, his voice low.

"Clearly," Andrew agreed without sympathy. "Look, you have two choices here Day. You can do something about it, or you could do nothing about it, and let me tell you - pining is not a good look on you."

The overgrown ear of corn muttered something like "Speak for yourself" and then yelped as Andrew smoothly nailed him in the forehead with a hackyapple (those things had just the perfect heft to them).

"What was that?" Andrew asked nonchalantly, smoothly dropping into the three-pattern. 

"I said, speak for your-- ow! Stop that!"

Andrew gave him an innocent look.

"Oh cool! You can juggle?" Jeremy's sunny voice cut in before Kevin could attempt to say something stupid again. Andrew looked over and abruptly dropped his hands to his sides, letting the applesacks hit the ground with soft whacks.

"Nope." Andrew shrugged, picking up the apple-globe again and shaking it as Kevin grumbled and scooped up the fallen hackyapples.

Jeremy chuckled like he'd just made a joke and lifted up three honest-to-fuck baskets with little gingham clothes lining the insides to protect the apples. One was red, one was green, and one was blue. Andrew sighed and held his hand out for one, the just stared at Jeremy when he was offered first the red, then the blue, before taking the green one that was rightfully his. "Kevin likes red," was all he said.

"Yeah?" Jeremy looked at Kevin and smiled as he offered him the red basket. "That's perfect then, blue is my favorite. At least of the baskets. I also like green," he volunteered, looking into Kevin's green eyes.

Sickening, this was truly sickening.

"Yeah, green," Kevin offered eloquently. 

Andrew watched as Jeremy nudged the tall idiot and just barely managed not to shake his head in disdain. He did snort his amusement when he caught Kevin watching Jeremy's ass as the man led them out of the shop through a side door near the back by the desk. The door took them right out to a path that led directly into the orchard. Andrew gave Kevin a pointed shove and made a meaningful gesture for him to catch up with the object of his affection. Kevin scowled at him, but did as instructed because he knew Andrew was right. Because Andrew was always right.

As it turned out, apple picking wasn't as terrible as Andrew had thought it would be. Getting to watch his best friend trip over himself on a constant loop served to be excellent entertainment for the day. He also got to covertly vet this guy that Kevin was so stupid over and as far as he could tell, Jeremy Knox was exactly what he appeared to be. He laughed at Kevin's terrible attempts at humor, was actually able to keep up with him when the conversation turned to the misrepresentation of American History in public schools, and Andrew counted at least thirty-seven times over the course of their little apple picking extravaganza where Jeremy found an excuse to touch Kevin. They weren't invasive touches, nothing gross or grabby or anything, but they were telling. Jeremy was always adjusting the basket he was holding or touching his arm or his hand or picking a leaf out of his hair or -- well, yeah. It was gross.

For his part, Andrew hung back and let the two idiots moon over each other, occasionally joining the conversation whenever Kevin shot him desperate looks or the topic deserved his input.

By the time they were done, Andrew was half-expecting an invitation to the nuptials.

"Hey, this was really great. I'm glad you decided to come by," Jeremy said as he packed their apples into white paper back with smiling little apple-people on them. "Both of you, of course," he amended unconvincingly with only a small glance to Andrew before giving his undivided attention to Kevin again.

"Of course. Yeah! This was amazing. With the apples. And you." Dear Jesus.

Andrew gave Kevin a swift kick to the shin and just stared at him when the man winces and glared down at him. He tried to laser the instruction 'Ask him out you nimrod' directly into his stupid brain and it must have worked because when Kevin finished his silent hissy fit he turned to Jeremy with an apologetic smile and said, "We should do this again."

Andrew kicked him again, because that wasn't good enough.

"I mean! Without the apples. Not that I don't like apples, Andrew ow! Cut it the fuck out!"

Andrew heaved a sigh and threw up his hands, turning to go find those hackyapples. You try to help a guy…

Jeremy was chuckling by the time Kevin turned back to him. Andrew watched out of the corner of his eye as the cheerful orchard-tender placed a hand over Kevin's on the counter. He couldn't see Kevin's face from the angle he was at but he was sure it was as red as some of those fucking apples they'd picked.

"I'd really like that," Jeremy said more quietly.

"M-me too," stammered Kevin with the utmost class.

Pleased with himself, Andrew scooped up a handful of the hackyapples and made his way back to the counter to purchase them. Because he was feeling charitable, he said nothing about the dopey-ass grin on Kevin's face as they gathered up their apples and left. He didn't even comment on the way the dumbass was legitimately humming when they got into the car -- because he was a supportive and generous friend.

That generosity lasted all the way back home. They were just getting to their apartment and Andrew was holding both bags of apples so Kevin could unlock the door when Kevin suddenly stopped and looked down the hall toward the stairs they'd just climbed. Then he lifted his hand in a wave and said, "Oh, hey Neil."

Shit shit shit shit shit!

Andrew glared at the back of Kevin's head, willing him to open the goddamn fucking door.

"Kevin, hey. Andrew? What've you got?" Unable to ignore him now that he'd been directly addressed, Andrew turned slowly and stared blankly as Neil-fucking-Josten came to stand right in front of him. He was wearing a lightly curious smile on his stupid face, one that pulled up on just the one side of his mouth and revealed just the shadow of what might be a dimple if the infuriating man were to smile any deeper. What was even more offensive was the way his eyes reflected the light so that they looked like a celestial sea, stars within stars staring back at him, tempting him with all the things he didn't want to want. 

Not only that, but Neil must be just coming back from a run because he was lightly flushed and the pink that clung to his cheeks, throat, and ears made Andrew’s brain do a thing resembling an old-fashioned VCR when you attempted to rewind a tape while it was still playing -- streaks of static breaking up what should be comprehensible. His wild auburn curls were pulled back with a garishly orange bandana but that only meant there was nothing in the way of his eyes.

His eyes...

He must have been silent for too long because Neil peered into the bags he was holding. “Oh, hey -- apples.” That curious little smile softened and spread slightly as he looked up at him again.

Andrew said, “Apples.”

“I love apples,” Neil said.

Andrew said, “Apples.” Because he was that fucking smooth.

Kevin coughed behind him and Andrew tore his gaze away from Neil’s stupidly pretty face, glaring down into the bags of apples. 

“You should take some,” Kevin offered. “We have more than we need. I’m going to look up how to make an apple pie later too, if you want any.”

“Really? Thanks.” Neil flashed a cheeky grin at Kevin then looked to Andrew. “Can I?”

Andrew said, “Apples.” This time though, he also nodded and attempted to angle the bags so that Neil could reach in a pick out a few. He was sure the other man could hear the way his heart was playing his ribcage like a xylophone as he leaned in so damn fucking close to examine the apples that Andrew could see how criminally long his eyelashes were. Then he was pulling away with his prize, three smallish apples and one large one.

He held them up and nodded. “Thanks for the apples. See you later for the game, Kevin?”

Andrew nodded mutely and Kevin grunted an affirmative, and then Neil was gone, vanishing into the apartment across the hall. Andrew stared at the closed door for a moment then turned toward their own apartment. Kevin was standing there with a smug look on his fucking face. 

“Apples,” Kevin said conversationally.

“Shut the fuck up Kevin.” Kevin was still cackling when the door shut behind them. Fucking bastard.

[mszegedy]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2020: Days 1-10

This is a list of questions by @autie-jake (full list here), where you’re supposed to answer one per day for every day of April. I learned about it a few days into April and intended to start doing it but I forgot, I guess, or maybe decided against it. But I wanna do it now, so here’s the first ten days really quick.

April 1: Introduce yourself. Talk about who you are as a person.

This is kind of a hard question for me. I think my younger sister (by 3¾ years) would say this, if she just made a new friend the same age as her and she asked about me:

“Well, she goes to college, but she’s graduating this semester. She does something with proteins, but honestly she should really be a linguist. I actually really hate discussing linguistics with her, because she gets so annoying and overbearing about it. I don’t understand why she’s doing whatever she is. She’s a pretty weird person. She has all sorts of problems with, like, depression and amnesia and stuff. Oh, but, she’s trans, so, like, that’s a thing, yeah. I don’t like talking about most things with her because she thinks she’s always right. And also, she’s kind of mean to our mom. I don’t know why she does that. But at the same time she’s, like, really sensitive, and will be offended by the stupidest things. Okay, this is making it sound like I don’t like her, but I do, okay? She’s my sister, of course I love her. We’ve bonded a lot. She’s moving to DC in October, so we’ll be able to hang out during the school year, and that’ll be really fun. I think I’m just a little fed up with her right now from having to live with her for a whole month.“

April 2: Post your red instead selfie today! Alternatively, you could talk about why you choose to go redinstead and what it means to you.

I don’t know what “redinstead” is. I googled it and it sounds like you wear differently-themed stuff from what’s recommended by Autism Speaks, to dunk on them. Like a lot of people, I’m stuck inside this April, so there’s no point in me wearing pride clothing, because nobody will see it. But I do disapprove of Autism Speaks, because they don’t treat autistic people like people, and they try to spread that ideology. If you trick them into thinking you’re a person first, they won’t change their mind; instead, they’ll say you’re not autistic. People defend them by recounting the problems that nonverbal autistic people face, as though nonverbal autistic people have an inherently worse neurotype than everyone else, and not just one that’s more difficult to accomodate for society, and as though that justifies the abuses levied against them by Autism Speaks. I could go into details, but I won’t, because it would be emotionally draining for me as a writer, and you as a reader.

Suffice to say, I love being autistic. It has inspired a lot of people to treat me very badly, and probably led to a degree of abuse and neglect in my childhood that resulted in dissociative identity disorder. But all of my autistic traits are things that I love about myself. I like how emotionally expressive my stims make me. I like how I’ve learned to dissect a lot of social stuff and I can explain it. I like how I can just dispense with all of that social stuff around autistic people. Hell, I think it gives the neurotypical people I hang out with some relief, too, when I’m straightforward and explicit all the time. I like how good I am at linguistics, and how I can use it as a way to relate to the world.

April 3: Talk about special interests. Do you have any? What are they? How long have you had them? What does it feel like to have special interests? What does having special interests mean to you? Talk about your past special interests

My special interests are unusually slow burns. I’ve had linguistics-related special interests for the past ten years. They’re peripherally useful for language learning, but mostly I’ve just accumulated academic knowledge. They’ve, however, also led me to reconnect with my Ugric heritage culture, which is very important to me. (It wouldn’t be important to me if language weren’t my primary way of relating to the world; paradox?)

I have a wide variety of other interests, but few of them are really “special”. As a kid, my special interest was marine life. Unfortunately, I haven’t retained much of that, although I do have the privilege of having a diver’s license, which I’ll use again someday when I pass better naked. I also briefly had a special interest in… building computers, or something. I didn’t have the money to make anything particularly powerful (not that I had anything at the time to use computational power for), but I did run some workshops for middle-schoolers.

I think maybe my interest as a kid in Homestuck was special? It ran pretty deep, anyway. It’s hard to say, when you can’t remember most of your life.

April 4: Do you consider your autism to be an important part of your identity?

Because we have DID (or something like it), we don’t have an identity in the traditional sense. We do have a system identity, but that’s built around our mutual goals and guidelines. However, we’d be very sad to lose our autistic traits. Also, it might mess with the standard of consistency we’ve established for ourselves; we might not be able to predict our future actions, because losing our autistic traits may interfere with our ability to follow the aforementioned goals and guidelines, which are what help keep us focused and consistent.

April 5: Talk about your living situation. Do you live with your parents? Do you live on your own? Have roommates? Etc. If you live on your own how hard was it to get used to?

Right now, I’m quarantining with my mom, my sister, and my brother (who is actually my sister’s boyfriend), at my mom’s house. The mess that’s accumulating in the house is slowly causing my mom more and more stress, I think. I’ve never really lived on my own. For a lot of college, I lived with roommates or housemates, but I don’t think I was very good at that. Also, my mom lived nearby, and I stayed at her place on the weekends. The closest I’ve come to living on my own is watching my mom’s house for up to a few weeks at a time, and that wasn’t sustainable. (To be fair, what kind of house has a lawn? When I get a house with a lawn in the future, I will make sure that it’s a wild lawn that I don’t have to mow.)

The third to last time that I house-sitted for my mom, I ended up getting hospitalized for self-harm. It took her a while to let me do it again after that. Although, not a very long while, I guess. That was at the end of last September.

April 6: Are you able to drive? If you can, was it hard for you to learn? If not, what alternatives do you use, if any

I’m not able to drive. Driving is scary and difficult for me. I went through the motions of learning it in high school, but my track was interrupted by a move across state lines (I lived in the US at the time), and I never recovered. I’ve failed the NJ written driver’s exam, which grants you a one-year permit with restrictions, a total of roughly ten times. I’ve never been this bad at a subject; it’s like I have the opposite of a special interest in driving. A special lack-of-interest. My brain won’t retain any information about NJ driving laws whatsoever. It doesn’t help that I had a traumatic car crash when I was very young.

So far, I’ve just gotten my mom and coworkers to drive me places, or taken Ubers or trains. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that if I leave NJ, I’ll probably have to get a driver’s license. Although, I’ve already got a carpool set up at my next job in October.

April 7: Talk about autism in the media. Do you think that autism is typically portayed well? Badly? Is there anything you’d like to see more of when it comes to autistic representation? Who are your favorite autistic characters? Do you have any headcanons?

The media that I consume doesn’t really have autistic characters, so I can’t comment on how autistic people are portrayed, except that I’d like us to be portrayed more, period. I’ve only really seen us in teen dramas. To be fair, one of my favorite webcomics, El Goonish Shive, is a teen drama, and has a great autistic character (Susan). I’d say I identify with her, but not really. It’s very hard for me to identify with people, fictional or nonfictional, because my neurotype is greatly influenced by autism, DID, chronic depression, and gender dysphoria, and you don’t see combinations of traits in media that come even close to that.

Speaking of another teen drama, I wish I were half as cool as Matilda from Everything’s Gonna Be Okay. I guess that makes her my favorite canon autistic character, but that’s pretty easy, because I don’t know any other ones. I can’t say that I wanna hug her, because she doesn’t like that, but her general substitute for hugs is dancing, and I can’t dance. I guess I’d learn how, to show my appreciation for her.

Archer from Archer is probably autistic. I like him a lot.

April 8: What are some misconceptions/stereotypes about autism that you hate?

“Hating” is not something I can really do, even when it’s recommended to do it. I haven’t been open about my autism, so I haven’t been exposed to too many misconceptions or stereotypes about it firsthand, anyway. I guess if I had to pick, it would be whatever made my dad call me autistic as an insult and use a bunch of ableist slurs at me a whole lot. I don’t know how he understands autism, however. He doesn’t seem to realize that he has it himself. (It’s not usually one’s place to diagnose other people like that, but one of the most degrading things that my mom says to me very often is that I’m exactly like my father. He even has some traits that I don’t, like touch-aversion and samefoods.)

April 9: How sensitive are you when it comes to touch? Are you pro hug or anti hug?

I’m hyposensitive. I’m really losing it here under this quarantine. I had a girlfriend who always made me feel so respected whenever she responded to my touch-based needs, by squeezing me, hugging me, or otherwise cuddling me very tight, but then she broke up with me because of my mental health issues, and because her parents hated me and her friends were made very uncomfortable by me.

April 10: Do you have trouble understanding when someone is being sarcastic or joking?

It depends. I think I’m as good at it as I’ll ever be, and my false negative rate is under 0.5 (and my false positive rate is very low, but not 0). But I don’t think the same thing goes on in my head as in neurotypical people’s heads when I determine something to be a joke. I almost explicitly do a Bayesian calculation; “Based on what I know about this person and this context, how well can I imagine them meaning this statement unironically in this context? How well can I imagine them meaning this statement ironically in this context?” It’s pretty automatic now, but sometimes it doesn’t work very well, when I’m not so familiar with the person and/or the context, and occasionally the intended interpretation of the statement.

[rosiethero]

Ruta graveolens

@aphrarepairweek2019 day 6 - flowers ✿

characters/pairings: AmeLiet

rating: T for alfred’s sailor mouth

content/warnings: angst with hopeful ending, mild relationship issues

notes: iiiiiiiii just kinda wrote stuff until it matched the theme?? lmao

translation: - mylimasis - l.ithuanian term of endearment, akin to "sweetheart"

read below or on ao3

- - -

There are times when he’s really, genuinely scared for Toris.

Sometimes, Toris’ eyes get distant and he goes all quiet, and he suddenly looks very, very tired. Sometimes an innocuous noise makes him flinch and he looks shaken for the rest of the day. Sometimes he calls Alfred in the middle of the night crying and he just can’t explain what’s wrong and Alfred’s heart breaks because there’s nothing he can do.

He can help. He can listen, he can reassure, he can distract, and when they’re visiting, he can kiss and cuddle and rub shoulders and stroke hair and make Toris smile but he can’t fix this and knowing that just kills him.

 I’m supposed to be the fucking hero, but I’m just as helpless as he is!

 Wait.

 Since when the hell has Toris been helpless?

Because he’s not helpless, he’s strong and noble and brave and somehow, despite all the bullshit he’s been through, has it in him to still be kind, and Alfred knows that. Toris can stand up for himself, he can kick absolute ass on the basketball court, he can be an emotionally stable anchor for anyone else when they need it, how in the world could Alfred think he was helpless?

There’s a fine line between wanting to make someone feel better out of genuine concern, and out of feeling better about yourself, and Alfred realized with a guilty lurch that he’d been toeing that line pretty dangerously.

 Not very heroic.

Should he talk to Toris about it? Their faith and confidence in each other was a big factor in their relationship, their trust in each other to be able to discuss problems and work through them together, and this realization he had that he’d always - subconsciously - thought of Toris this way was something that should be worked through.

Or, did it though? Maybe it had been affecting how Alfred treated Toris, but know that he knew, he could change that by himself, right? Besides, Toris had been so busy lately, flying across Europe for this event and that meeting, and his back pain was coming back, and this would only make him worry, and he didn’t need anymore worry, Alfred could handle it by himself, Toris would probably just get overwhelmed and he’d only feel worse and...

 Ah, shit. I’m doing it again, aren’t I?

It’s tough, but he tells Toris about it. He doesn’t think he explains it very well - there’s a lot of vague gesturing and apologizing and long pauses - but Toris is patient and listens closely. When he’s done, Alfred feels awkward and guilty - it hurt to say all that out loud - but Toris doesn’t look mad. He looks thoughtful, lips pursed and fingers twined together, until they twine with Alfred’s instead.

The first thing he does is kiss him - gentle, on the cheek, and Alfred’s relieved - and says, “Thank you for telling me.”

He speaks some more, soft words about trust and self-awareness and how difficult it is to recognize your own faults, much less to admit them, and Alfred nearly cries when Toris says he’s proud of him. Then he does cry when Toris reminds him that they both take care of each other.

There’s work to be done, and more tough conversations to have, but they both promise to work through it together.

But, the timing of this conversation isn’t great. Only a couple days later, Toris gets called back home for something and leaves behind so much they still need to talk about, and the air in Alfred’s house feels thick and awkward. They have phone calls sure, but something about it isn’t intimate enough for the conversations that they need to have.

Alfred’s frustrated. Frustrated with himself, with the situation, with the fact that he’s feeling helpless in a whole new way and still a stubbornly habitual part of his brain thinks no, this isn’t right, I’m not supposed to be the helpless one!

It takes him hours to get a text together to send Toris, and even longer to send it because I don’t want to give him more to worry about - stop that! He wants to make sure I’m happy too!

“Sorry if it’s a bad time. You don’t have to read or reply right away, I’m just. Getting it out there I guess. I still feel awful, and I feel awful that I feel awful, because you do so much for me and I don’t think I ever actually realized that, and there’s still a stupid part of me that’s convinced I have to take care of you and make you happy and if it’s the other way around then something’s wrong and I’ve fucked up. And it’s worse when you’re not here, and I feel like blowing up your phone every five minutes going WHO ARE YOU WITH ARE YOU SAFE and I know that’s creepy and unhelpful and I hate thinking those things.

I worry about you, and I know you worry about me, but I can’t get that worry down to like, a healthy level of general care or concern. It’s like I’m at Red Alert: Toris is Sad Must Fix Everything all the time. And I know you don’t appreciate that. I know you can take care of yourself. But like. Part of me doesn’t know that? Or refuses to believe it. I dunno. This is getting really rambly I’m sorry. It must be like 3am where you are by now. I started typing this like 6 hours ago lmao. I dunno if I’m accomplishing anything by saying all this, but I wasn’t accomplishing anything by just sitting around feeling like shit either so. Yeah.

If you’re free and our schedules line up, can we try a face chat or something? It takes forever for me to put all this out in text lol. And, I wanna see you. No pressure, whenever works for you, okay?

Love you.”

He doesn’t sleep well that night, but there’s reply by the next morning.

“Oh, mylimasis, you’re putting yourself through a lot, aren’t you?

I’m sorry, this is going to be short, things are hectic on my end. You have no idea how badly I want to speak with you right now, but this will have to do in the meantime.

You’re doing very well. Trust me, I know how difficult it is to talk about these things. You’re being very brave, and I love you too, so much.

I have no idea when I’ll be able to face chat, if at all. I’m so sorry, but I’ll let you know as soon as I can get some free time, I promise.”

There’s a second message.

“Oh, and keep an eye on your mail for the next few days. I’m sending you something that may help.”

Alfred’s disappointed they can’t speak. But, he’s relieved as well, and curious about what’s coming in the mail.

He gets his answer with a small but dense package about a week later. It’s a green herb cutting in a little terra cotta pot, snuggly wrapped in paper padding. There’s a typed note with it, obviously from the company that shipped the herb, but the words are all Toris’.

“Mylimasis, you may not recognize this right away, but it’s my national flower. Rue. Ruta graveolens. It’s a small, humble, and sturdy plant, useful in keeping pests away and able to survive in conditions that other plants cannot. When it blooms, the flowers are small and yellow. I’m sure you’ve seen me wear them before. I want you to take care of this little plant for me. It won’t be too difficult - just keep it in sunlight and water it every so often. It will thrive when you do, but even when you don’t, it will survive, and it will grow. Maybe a bit slower, but it will grow, whether you are there or not.

And so will I. If you are with me or without me, I will survive. Life will be better when I will be with you, but it will not be awful when I am without you. I want you to look at this sturdy little plant and remember that wherever I am, I am okay, and I will come home to you in one piece and no worse for wear, and I will be so, so happy to see you.

I was going to add something here about how the plant can take care of you too by using it to make medicines, but that can actually be very dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing. So, I will drop the flowery language (haha!) and just say that I am here for you just as much as you are there for me.

I will see you again, and hopefully very soon.

With love and utter adoration,

-Toris”

Alfred cries again, but he’s smiling as he put the little herb on the kitchen windowsill and spreads the curtains open wide.

[messedupessy]

🌹,🎀, and 💔 for Swap Papy? 😁

Yaaass Ali bless UwU ❤ also as you guys prolly know so did I say only one ask per person, but since I only had one left and no one was taking it and I also wanted to do one with Stretch, so did I give permission to Ali to send me a second one in ye, because I do what I wanna and here goes!

🌹: What are weird things they start to do once they’ve developed a crush?

I’m actually not sure because Stretch is just weird usually like in his everyday life, he do a bunch of weird shit because he is just such a weird shit ya know pfft, and anything I think of isn’t really weird it’s mostly just normal crush behavior I guess? 

Guess he gets a bit more easily flustered at been flirted with by his crush? Like he blushes much more easily tho he blushes almost constantly tho so it wouldn’t be much of a change or weird? Damn why am I so stumped on this pfft

Because literally everything I can think of that could be like weird isn’t really weird as it’s like his usual way of doing stuff, like sending bunch of memes/vines/etc like all the time though maybe a bit more flirty ones i guess, bit more teasing but he is a teasing boy so not really weird, doing some dumb funny shit but that’s what he usually do anyway and so on like srs I can’t come up with anything weird because Stretch is already weird and it’s hard to come up with something weirder for him as he already weird pfft xD 

So I got nothing right now but I’m sure I will totally end up coming up with something when this has been up for like a week or so pfftt    

🎀: How do they make themselves look attractive for their significant other?

Stretch is actually one of my more cleaner of the so called “lazy” skellies, he still ends up walking around with some stained clothes etc for a week or two, but he do wash his clothes pretty regularly so he doesn’t smell bad.

Like yes he smokes like, allot, but its monster cigarettes and they don’t smell like human ones, and also aren’t harmful, so he would prolly smell like whatever taste/kind of cigarettes he is smoking, tho his smoking taste is shit so it prolly doesn’t smell super good but like wouldn’t smell like actual irl cigarettes and smoke ok and fuck got sidetracked pfft

But guess if his partner is a bit more about cleanliness than he is he would try to wash his stuff a bit more, prolly forget about it a bunch but he would try. And if the cigarettes he smokes is bothering them he could try out a different a bit more better smelling brand, tho he got really shitty taste in his cigs so it might not smell that much better. 

He isn’t really into dressing up all properly, like if he have to wear a suit of any kind he needs to have something funny with it, like a funny bowtie or tie with a funny pattern. Or some funny socks, or wear a pair of crocs just because.

He is all about been comfy in whatever clothes he wears and have fun with it, so wearing skirts with rainbow legwarmers or wearing a bra/bikini top underneath his clothes, wearing completely skeleton themed stuff, crocs 4 ever etc is something he do like all the time, and it’s something his partner will have to live with as it’s what he do and what makes him happy. Like he doesn’t dress up for his partner to please them and stuff he dresses up however he wants to as he likes it.

His outfits and stuff might embarrass his partner a bit if they are sensitive to sticking out and getting weird looks etc out in public, he would try to tone it down a bit if so is the case as after all he don’t want his partner to feel uncomfy etc.

Though if his partner got a request for something they want him to wear and he likes it then heck ye he is all for it.

 💔: What do they dislike about being in love? 

There really isn’t anything that he dislikes about it, maybe if it isn’t mutual then it kinda sucks and hurts which he doesn’t like, but which happens sometimes and something he will and can live with. 

Otherwise been in love is something he likes, it’s pleasant and makes him happy. 

And falling in love is something that doesn’t happen very often to him as he pretty much only ends up crushing and falling for someone if he has known them for quite awhile and knows them well as a friend, so been in love is really nice, even better if its mutual, and if it isn’t it sucks and it hurts but its something he can get over, as he will treasure the friendship he got with his crush first and foremost to his own feelings. 

Though if his crush ends up not been the kind of person he thinks they are and things ends up badly one way or the other, then yeah he hates that and will be down for a bit as it hurts realizing that someone you loved weren’t who you thought they were and they hurt you in a way you didn’t think were possible, and it sucks af and something he hates if it happened to him, but its something he will get over. 

Have to admit I am not sure about the answer on this one but it will do pfft 

Ask thingie here, not taking any more tho

[khaleesirin]

(1/3) Previous anon here, I feel like I need to clarify: I didn’t know about Nard being ableist & I just said it to fit in the character limit anyway. « Big tiddy gf » is obv not how I see Hinata nor how I define women which is my point : I feel that he did, when it comes to Hinata at least (though his portrayal of girls in general is very reductive). It seems she was meant to be Naruto’s wife first & the rest of her came as an afterthought to his « I want my hero to have ideal gf » plan

(2/4)which is why I feel uncomfortable with his portrayal of her. I’m fine with characters like Hinata, the themes of abuse and recovery and defining relationships make for interesting character arcs, but I also don’t feel Kishi has the subtlety or even the desire to handle these themes when it comes to her. For example Killua in HxH has similar themes but is handled way better and less creepily imo. It feels like her growth, as positive as it is, was really a trope to glorify Naruto even more.

(¾)You said tons of metas have been written, and I read some, and it’s very cool. I just think it’s a shame that we have to rely on that and novels to be able to grasp the depth of her character which I feel is otherwise treated in a very offhanded way. Ultimately she sometimes feels like more of a tool to the plot rather than a fully fledged character which I think is sad. I do want her to be more than a trophy wife, and she is, but she also easily could be so much more.

(4/4) She’s not the only character that was done dirty and when I talk about bad portrayal I obv don’t bash her, I deplore Kishi’s dodgy writing. I was interested to see your take on that but I understand that trying to explain it in only 500 characters was a bad idea. I expressed it badly and I’m sorry if it offended you. If you still think my take is terrible and you don’t wanna interact that’s completely fine, but I wanted to clarify that at least.

–

Thank you for taking your time to write this reply. I feel like I need to also take time to reply to you to clarify myself as much as possible.

Kishimoto, as much as he frustrates me as a writer, didn’t really portray Hinata as a “cute tiddy shy gf” in the entire series. You may be conflating Hinata  in the manga and how SP milked her popularity. She was rarely illustrated as “cute” in the manga, and her character design wasn’t sexualized in the manga as much as it was in the anime. So I don’t think you should criticize Kishimoto on this, because Hinata was done respectfully, and beautifully (in terms of illustrations) in the manga. Heck, during the entire 4th shinobi war, she was wearing an androgynous looking attire, like the rest of them. 

Second, there’s nothing wrong in of itself for Kishimoto to initially assign Hinata as Naruto’s love interest. It’s a normal thing in character building. It’s the same way when a writer designs/assigns who will be the villain, who will be the side-kick to the villain, who will be the comic relief in the story. It’s on us, as readers, if our value-judgment to a role as “main hero’s love interest” is a bad thing. Hinata was created to have a specific role, yes, and that’s to be Naruto’s love interest. There’s nothing like an afterthought to how Kishimoto wants to write Hinata though, because since the beginning, we already know why Hinata feels something for Naruto. There’s nothing superficial to it, there’s nothing disrespectful about it. Hinata was created not to glorify Naruto (the character) but to romanticize the message of Naruto (the series), which she learned from him and something she taught him (and she taught us as readers). This is actually a role of a heroine, yet she was already given this role as she was introduced in the series, so I honestly don’t get why everything else written for Hinata is an afterthought. 

Like I’ve mentioned elsewhere, for Hinata, Naruto is her ubermensch, in that tru his insistence to get acknowledge, Hinata also finally realized for herself a reason why someone like her has the right to exist, and that  she, too, deserves to exist. She doesn’t provide lip service for Naruto (the character) though, because she’s the one to tell him off during the war. As I’ve mentioned earlier, Kishimoto uses Hinata to tell to the audience what the message of Naruto (the series) is, and it has to be about Naruto because he is the titular character. It means Naruto must have done something to make us understand why he is the hero of the story. It’s not a glorification of Naruto as if he is a god that we need to worship,  but a romanticization of his brand of heroism, which is one thing that I love about this series. Often, when we talk about heroes, it’s always about how they are “above” or “superior,” but for Hinata, and for Kishimoto, heroes are those imperfect people who continue to fight, who continue to stand up, despite failures after failures after failures. Hinata, because she is influenced by Naruto, is an embodiment of that. But she embodied it not FOR NARUTO himself, but for other characters as well, and more importantly, for herself. To make her satisfy with her own existence. 

Hinata’s character has so much depth in the manga itself. I don’t need the novels or the anime or other materials to know who she is. Because on the get go, we understand where she is coming from. Her insecurity is not used as a “moe” character trait to make her endearing, but a fundamental part of her struggle and her growth. Her character growth was not used as a lip service for Naruto, because it was a way to make her stand out as a character, it was a way to define who she is. Of course, she is used as a plot device. Every character is a plot device. How else do you move a story? 

Like I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I wish Kishimoto could have done more for Hinata, I wished she was given a fight against Kanon, I wished she was given a plot just with her and Team 8. Kishimoto is a limited writer, and it shows when he writes his female characters. But, in no way or form, was Hinata reduced to just a trophy wife. If you honestly think she has no personality, that’s on you. If you are set to believe this, no amount of metas or discourse would change your mind. Like you, I criticize Kishimoto’s writing of female characters, but I don’t specifically criticize Hinata for her supposed “character flaw.” 

It’s fine though. Again, thanks for clarifying your position. If you want to read more about my thoughts regarding Hinata and Kishimoto, I implore you to take time to peruse my blog (IDK if I have a good tagging system or what) since I actually had a discussion with other anons regarding Kishimoto’s writing and Hinata’s character structure and why despite my frustration regarding his writing, I find Hinata a complex character. 

[garyfuckingking]

My 10 pages long essay and Powerpoint on The World’s End and Gary King

(aka why The World’s End and Gary King are two of the most precious things that exist, aka why I love The World’s End and Gary King)

(Based on my own original idea and written after I read this post - @ineverhadadoubt thanks again for sending it to me-

Also please check out this amazing post about the pubs in the movie.)

(I thought I’d tag some people that seemed to agree with my original post and might be interested in reading this. It’s fine if you don’t btw: @smashing-anarchist-poet @jessefandomunited @shakespeareanmemes @jesusinanalcove @aknownlegend @snovyda @smuggsy @immortal-gamora @doodlerdoodle @zane-garrett @lady-dragonfruit @nogoatshere  @hum4n3rror @theforceawakcns @duskteeth - wasn’t gonna tag everyone, some I couldn’t even tag so that’ll do-)

Before I begin, I’d like for you to be aware of a few things. 

First off, this is gonna be a very very veeeeeery long post so bare with me if you can. I’m probably gonna keep apologizing for the lenght of it in between two things I’m talking about but I’m passionate, sorry.

It’s also a very big post because there’s pictures and a lot of gifs tbh. 

Like... i think like, don’t even try to read this on your phone? Idk what it will do to it. tumblr mobile ain’t that strong i think

There’s so much to be said about this movie.

TW: There’s going to be mentions of suicide, depression, addiction, ...

Also, I’m probably going to forget a lot of the points I’d like to illustrate and talk about, that’s one of the downsides of running on a three hours of sleep schedule. 

You can check the tags for some trivia on this whole post.

So if anyone wants to add something, feel free. I’d love for people to give me their opinion on the movie, etc. 

I’m also probably not gonna mention the direction of the movie too much. I love Edgar Wright with all my stone-cold heart but if I have to talk about how much of a fucking genius he is when it comes to comedy and his movies, we’re literally gonna be there all week, plus I’m not actually planning on writing a 10 pages long essay -or am I?-.

If you haven’t seen the movie, SPOILER ALERT. Seriously though. There’s some stuff in the movie you probably don’t want to know by reading this if you’re planning on watching it and I’m going to talk about everything so.

Finally, I’m going to talk about why I think the movie is not as popular as Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, and the rest will mostly be about Gary King and why he’s a great character but also why he’s an important one.

Well. Let’s go. This is gonna be a wild ride.

In this essay, I will...

Ok, in all seriousness.

So I guess there’s supposed to be an introduction here. This is very unprofessionnal, and I’ve learned how to write essays so shame on me. Oh, well. We’re here to talk about Gary Fucking King. It’s ok if it’s a mess, the guy’s a living mess on his own. So, when Simon Pegg comes to mind, the Cornetto Trilogy usually does as well. At least, the first movie that you probably think of is Shaun of the Dead. And often, Hot Fuzz is mentionned as well. But I never ever hear anything about the World’s End. God, even Stephen Colbert got the name wrong while talking to Simon, calling it “The End of the World”. Granted the movie wasn’t the subject, but... Why did it happen? Why is The World’s End seen as “the weakest one”, as “not as good as the first two”, is the one people don’t remember, and is assimilited to other weird claims of the sort? 

I personally feel like it’s because it’s more layered than the other two movies, actually, it’s a bit more complicated. I’m not saying here “if you didn’t get it you’re dumb” or “only smart people will get the message”. Not at all. I had to watch it a couple of times before I started to get a lot of things about Gary and the movie in general, and even today, when I watch it, I notice new things and tiny details that I never realized were there before. That happens with the whole trilogy because the three movies are amazingly well done, but I feel like it’s harder to grasp with The World’s End. But why? 

I think it’s because we directly know what Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz are about. The three movies are about more than an apocalyptic scenario or living surrounded by a cult made of murderers. There’s always a message behind the main themes. 

With Shaun of the Dead, it’s kind of a given, really. The little introduction of the environment shows you that it looks like the town is filled with z****es before they even actually arrive and just with that, the scene is set, we know what -behind the parody and other elements of the film- Simon and Edgar decided to criticize about society (it becomes deeper with Shaun’s character but I’ll get to that later, same with Angel).

In Hot Fuzz, the critic of society is a bit more subtle, but still there for people to see. That’s the point right? Send a message without making you feel like you’re “being thaught a lesson”, or something like that, and these movies do it brilliantly. Because that’s the thing. People watching the Cornetto Trilogy sit down in front of their screen to have a good time, have a laugh and go one with their day. But The World’s End is different. It’s still extremely funny, but it doesn’t give off the same vibe as SotD and HF. You feel like there’s something more, you feel that it’s actually a tragic movie. 

Yes, it still has the same kind of message, here with how much of a fuck up a human being can be, how humans are stubborn even if they make mistakes, but that it’s part of life and a word with “perfect beings” wouldn’t necessarily be better. It’s about growing up and accepting that you have to leave your childhood or teenage years at some point, and all that stuff surrounding these themes. You think it was the better part of your life, but often... it isn’t (again, I’ll come back to this later). It’s just harder to grasp because of the tone and maybe because people don’t like to hear this kind of things.

So the problem is, people often miss (or dismiss) the point. 

I don’t think you know about this but there’s this French website called Betaseries. 

On it, you can have an account and have a list with the tv shows you’re currently watching or the films you’ve watched or want to watch.

You can download subtitles for the new episodes you wanna watch if you need them, you can rate movies, comment to give your opinion, you can tick which episodes you’ve seen so that you can keep track of what you’re watching and not forget where you’re at, etc. Pretty useful website, I’m always on it.

So, I obviously went to see what people thought of The World’s End. It’s got a good enough rating, really, 3.62 out of 5 stars. It’s not a four or a five but only because of two users who didn’t like it all that much. So I read their reviews. One was a 2/5 and one was a 3/5: 

“To summarize the movie: the world is invaded by a pacifist extra-terrestrial entity that kills human to exchange them with clones but that accept to leave the planet if you ask (with insults, please!) ???

To use one of the movie’s favorite expression: WTF?????!!!!!

I liked the story of “Shaun of the Dead” better ^^”

“Having liked "Shaun of the Dead” and “Hot Fuzz”, I was impatient to see Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg’s new movie, unfortunately, it isn’t as “good” as the last two. Technically perfect, the story drags on and the mid-life crisis Simon Pegg’s character goes through becomes tedious after some time… but not everything’s good for the trash! The English humor is really present, the play-on-words, the references… you don’t mind watching it. I feel like you need to watch it a second time to appreciate its real worth.

Naturally, watching it in VO is absolutely necessary.”

The other people that commented had all 4 or 5 stars and were only saying that the movie was very funny, therefore enjoyable and good.

I think that’s the thing. When you think “Cornetto Trilogy”, you think “having a good time”. You watch it, you can see that there’s a message behind it, but you don’t spend your time focusing on it or looking for it, because it’s usually pretty simple to get. You pay more attention to the comedy, the references, etc.  

And that is where The World’s End becomes different. It’s not focused on the comedy or the references (well, yes it is and it’s still incredibly funny, it was meant to be), but you have to focus on what is actually going on with Gary King to get it all. That’s why the big meanie leaves “just because they asked”. Remember what it says before leaving (and destroying the world btw)?

That’s something that’s been said to Gary a few times throughout the movie, but here, it’s clearly aimed at the three of them, hence at the humans, because they’re speaking for their entire race. That’s why it leaves. Because the message is “it’s pointless arguing with humans, they’re going to do whatever they want anyway, you can’t change their mind, etc., they have to learn thanks to their own mistakes so you have to let them make them, not force them to be perfect.” This kind of things. 

But when you read the reviews above... These are the only two reviews where you can see that they really tried to get what was going on, but maybe missed it, and because of that, they didn’t like the movie all that much and rated it badly. Gary King isn’t just going through “a mid-life crisis”. He really isn’t. There is so much more to him that it drives me actually crazy that this movie isn’t as praised as the rest of the trilogy. Literally nuts.

With that being said, I think it’s time to really get into who Gary King is, why he is such an amazing character and why there’s more to him than a “mid-life crisis”. So I’m going to talk about him (obviously), about his effect on others, about his relationship with his friends, his addiction, etc., and why it just makes the plot so much better. I hope you’re still with me. And that it’s been understandable up to this point because I really can’t express my ideas the way I want to easily, sorry about that.

The Cornetto trilogy doesn’t just have these hidden messages, morals, … A common thing between these movies is that the characters played by Simon Pegg are all flawed. They’re just flawed human beings. And these characters have to work on themselves to become better. The plot is usually what makes them realize things and help them grow to become their best self.

In Shaun of the Dead, Shaun is going nowhere with his life, he’s stuck in a routine with a dead-end job and a relationship he’s screwing up because Liz is the only one working on it. It’s not that he hates his life, but he doesn’t do anything to make it better either, he doesn’t really see the point. . He’s just there so he does what he’s got to do, but he doesn’t get out of his way to do more. And like Pete says, Shaun needs to sort his life out and do something. Here, killing z****e is apparently the way to a healthy and more positive life. (and no, I will not say the z-word and you shouldn’t either)

In Hot Fuzz, Nicholas Angel puts his work before anything else. That’s why his very serious relationship ended, it even caused him to be disliked by his colleagues and superiors. Like Janine says, he won’t ever be able to turn off if he doesn’t find someone he cares about more than his job. And throughout the movie, you see how Nicholas becomes, but also how other characters become thanks to him. I could talk about this masterpiece, about the foreshadowing in it and especially about Danny Butterman for hours on end but I’m not here for that today.

Also, Shaun had Pete to tell him what was wrong with him. Nicholas had Janine to tell him what was wrong with him. Who does that for Gary King? Because again, Gary is a very flawed character who needs to change as well. But first, we have to ask ourselves one question:

Who is Gary King?

Let’s get some answers.

Well, I’d give you a lot of answers if I had them but… we don’t really know much about Gary King, do we? Well, what we know about his past is what he told the people in the rehabilitation session. That he was The King. But it’s only later on in the movie that we’re able to get new details about him that help us get a clearer idea of who he is. 

The King, the leader of their little group, the popular kid, is also selfish and self-centered. He’s injured his friends with his reckless behavior, he injured himself, he was already a heavy drinker and was using drugs. We don’t know much about his real past, about his family, or else. We know he hasn’t spoken to his mother in eight months when the movie takes place. He arrived in a psychiatric hospital after a suicide attempt but hasn’t told anyone, clearly. His mother doesn’t even know. He doesn’t like the way the hospital was “helping” him and after a quick decision, he got out of it to regroup his old friends and make an attempt at the Golden Mile again. 

We know he isn’t happy. He’s bitter and sad, clinging onto a past he thinks better than anything else he could ever have. Addicted for most of his life and depressed to the point where he tried to kill himself. In the movie, he clearly just tries to reassure himself about his life, always lying to himself and to others.

Whenever reality catches up to him, he shies away from it, he’s not even able to look at Andy anymore. And the problem is, his friends are the reality and he’s the lie. He’s convinced himself of things so much that he believes in them and he can’t hear another version of the events that have happened, he needs to keep his embellished memories intact because he’d rather believe in a lie than in what he is.

He desperately needs the attention, because he’s so alone. He needs to live in his lie, to relive that great night, that moment when he could seduce Oliver’s sister, when his friends would have followed him to the end of the world, to finally prove himself right. And like Andy says, he’s never wrong, is he? He’d rather lie about his mother dying than face rejection and where he’s at. He’d rather have people stay with him because they pity him than because they want to be with him.

He lies about it as a last attempt to convince Andy to come along to Newton Haven, after also giving him money he had been owning him. (I’ll talk about the rest of this scene later on, it’s a very important thing to mention.)

And then, when reality is thrown at his face by Andy again, he miserably tries to get his sympathy once more, despite Andy not having it:

Just after that scene and right before they find out the truth about his mother, Peter says “I can’t help but feel sorry for him”, what Gary intended to do. He manipulates and is upset that things don’t go his way, no matter for what reason he is actually manipulating them. He wouldn’t admit it’s because he’s lonely and unhappy and that because he needs them to feel better, he’s fine with hurting their feelings again.

When he leaves the table to go to the restroom, he looks at himself and finally lets some real emotion out, only to realize what he’s doing.

He’s not proud of it. His friends have changed, yes, but he hasn’t. He’s still the same impulsive and selfish young man he used to be, but now he realizes that’s not how life works. Life doesn’t just go his way like it used to, or like he thought it used to. Life happens to you, you're not in control, and he probably realized that months ago, as he tried to end it.

Still, when the teenager arrives in the restroom, he puts his walls back up again directly, tries to show off and to befriend the young man by impressing him. He sees himself in him, a young and free man who just enjoys his time with his friends. 

That’s why he was looking at them this way earlier in the pub:

Or when both groups crossed path outside in the afternoon. Yet, when the boy doesn’t respond and ignores him, he gets upset again and is ready to provoke a teenage boy for not paying attention to a drunk guy inviting him to drink with him and his friends. 

Yes, the alcohol and the built-up frustration of the evening made him provoke that boy, but it doesn’t mean he’s not aware of the gravity of his actions every time he does something. He’s clearly aware that he manipulates his friends, that he only thinks about himself. It’s always in very short moments that you see him look away or having a hard time processing everything, because he knows the way he acts and as much as he hates himself for it, he can’t help it. To the point where he uses the terrible situation of Newton Haven, no matter if they might die, to finish the pub crawl. Why? He doesn’t care if he dies. At all. It’d probably be easier for him. 

He can’t stand himself, but he can’t be someone else. He got upset at the boy’s silence, taking it as an insult, a way of being disrespectful towards him and in his head, no one should disrespect Gary King. There was a time when he loved being himself but like Sam rightfully says:

So with that in mind, what is Gary King? 

That, I believe, is one of the most exciting part of the character. He’s as much the villain as he is the hero of the movie. 

He’s a villain in his behavior, always has been. He liked being a “bad boy”, but he really did hurt his own friends and has been selfish for a long time. A lot of things that he did and still does make him a villain in this story. Yet, he doesn’t flinch in front of danger, he throws himself in battles the way he used to when Peter would get bullied. He fights for his life and stands his ground in front of the “big boss”, speaking on behalf of the entire human race so that the enemy would leave them be. He’s obnoxious, but he’s also very lovable. Again, like Sam said:

He wouldn’t be able to make someone else happy, or maybe for a while, but he probably wouldn’t be able to resist getting back to his old antics. He’s not meant to live a quiet life with a family, he needs his freedom, as he calls it, but deep down, he’s never actually been a Bad Person™ . He does care about his friends, in his own fucked up way, but he’s too damaged to do any good around him, it doesn’t matter if he’d like to or not.

That’s why he leaves again in the end. He can’t stay there and face everything that has happened. He saw his chance to start all over again and let his remaining friends be happy together, without getting in the way. He did the right thing by getting sober, but he regained his freedom, is still a rebel by staying with a bunch of blanks and not humans, and he’s with the version of his friends he’s always wanted to be with again. Maybe it’s a bit unhealthy for him to stay with these specific blanks, but it’s a better coping mechanism than alcohol and drugs. He’s his true self, but he’s sober and definitely feels better, like he belongs there.

Now, the time has come. Let’s really introduce his friends, talk about his relationship with them before talking about how he takes responsibility for his actions and how he deals with change. (yes I’m sorry this is endless)

All his friends have little stories to tell about his behavior during the movie. He injured all of them as well as he injured himself, and even if Oliver is the only one who didn’t receive a scar, he got his own birthmark removed because of the nickname they would always use. Gary was the only one using it still during the movie, despite being told off.

I’ll introduce them using Gary’s words in the beginning of the movie. It allows us to see the way he perceives them. Keep in mind that it’s the only way he could ever see them at that point, as he doesn’t know what they became and who they really are at that point in their lives. What we, as viewers, know, is that they seem to have all become pretty successful when it comes to their careers, and they just seem to have a good life in general, compared to Gary who is in that hospital and dealing with his addictions.

So, we’ve got Oliver Chamberlain. Gary introduces him by saying: “Ollie was funny, he fancied himself as a bit of a player, but really, he was all mouth. We called him O-man because he had a birthmark on his forehead that looked like a six. He loved it.”

He certainly did not love it. Like I said, he got the birthmark removed because it annoyed him so much to be called O-man. We don’t know much about Oliver, really. He manages a boutique estate agency in North London, he’s doing good, he’s always working. His sister is Sam Chamberlain, Steve has had a crush on her since high school and Gary had sex with her in the disabled. He’s in a sort of competition with Steve to win her over. We know Oliver was already acting like a business man in school. During their first attempt at the Golden Mile, he was out of commission after the 6th pub.

He’s also often mentioning Gary’s drug abuse throughout the movie. 

He was clearly uninterested in going back to Newton Haven, he was very reluctant at the idea, but Gary succeeded in tricking him to go back. During the movie, Gary says a couple of times that Oliver is doing really good, as he didn’t go that far in the crawl the first time. He obviously doesn’t know he has been replaced by a blank in the middle of the crawl but he does say that he likes the new Oliver, the one that seems to be fine with following him around, who is able to go on with the crawl and encourages the others to join the party.

Now, Peter Page. Gary says: “Pete was the baby of the group. He wasn’t the kind of kid we’d usually hang out with, but he was good for a laugh. And he was absolutely minted.”

The cool guy hanging out with the most bullied kid in school? He indicates there that his wealth was one of the reasons he was friend with Peter, despite saying that “he was good for a laugh.” You can see that they get along pretty well during the movie, once Peter is relaxed with the alcohol. They joke around and laugh together quite easily. During the first attempt at the Golden Mile, after smoking marijuana in The Smokehouse, he was left on a park bench while Gary, Steve and Andy kept on going. He still works with his father and became his business partner. He’s the one who sold The Beast to Gary back in the day.

The scar Gary gave him was when Peter let him drive his 50cc Suzuki. Gary rolled over his leg.

He clearly was looking up to Gary at the time, probably because he was defending him whenever he’d get bullied.

There are a few moments where you can also see how submissive Peter still is, traumatized by the extreme bullying he went through in high school. He hates confrontation. He hides behind his newspaper when his kids are “fighting” at the table. It’s impossible for him to say anything when he meets his bully in one of the pubs and whenever a fight explodes, he’s the first one to try and hide, not fight.

He was killed and replaced after finally standing up against the blank that replaced his bully.

Steven Prince. Gary doesn’t have much to say about him: “Steve was a pretty cool guy. We jammed together, chased the girls. I think he saw us as rivals. Sweet, really.”

Like Oliver, we don’t have many information about his life. He had his own construction company, and he was bought out in ’05. At the beginning of the movie, he’s going out with a 26-year-old fitness instructor but the person he truly loves is Oliver’s sister, Sam. Gary and Steve got along just fine, but with what Gary says, you can see he thought he was better than Steve in different ways (shocking, I know). Gary and he used to play music together but stopped when Gary sold Steve’s bass to buy drugs.

In 1987, so when they were around fourteen, while they were playing cricket, Gary accidentally pushed Steven onto a broken bottle and Steve was left with a scar… well, on his ass. Now, we don’t know the origin of the bottle, but you certainly don’t need it to play cricket, from what I know? We also don’t know what they were drinking, so maybe I’m reaching by saying it could have already been Gary’s if he was already drinking alcohol, but we wouldn’t know so again, I might just be reaching! not confirming anything. Still, Gary injured him as well.

He wasn’t really happy when he saw Gary again for the first time, but still ends up going back. During the first Golden Mile, Steve was still there at the end. Even if they didn’t finish it, he was with Andy and Gary on the hills at sunset. 

Now, Andy is the most important one, obviously. It wasn’t a surprise. Simon and Nick always play the two main characters and they always have a very strong bond. And Gary’s relationship with Andy is quite fascinating to say the least. For someone with as much pride as Gary King, talking about the way he feels is not all that easy. At least not without disguising it a little. Before we get into that part, here’s Andy’s introduction. This time, I’ll just explain who he is, and then show Gary’s words because I’ll talk about them more.  

So, from what we know, Andy used to play rugby when he was younger. When the film takes place, he’s a corporate lawyer, he’s married and has kids. He seems to be doing quite well, even though we learn he and his wife are separated at the moment and that he's trying to get her back.

During the first pub crawl, he made it to the end of the night with Gary and Steve, ending up on the hills at sunset and failing the Golden Mile. Back in ’86, Gary injured him as well when they reenacted the knife game from Alien. Gary accidentally stabbed him in the middle finger.

We know that he remained friends with Gary until December 1997. Gary overdosed and Andy, while being extremely drunk, attempted to drive him to the hospital. He crashed his car and he had to go through a life-saving surgery that lasted for 12 hours before getting arrested. At that point, Gary who had made a “miraculous fucking recovery”, as Andy puts it, had abandoned him on the scene of the crash. After these events, Andy stopped talking to Gary and also stopped drinking.

It seems that “the accident”, as it’s referred as in the movie, drove them amm apart. We at least know they were still talking to each other in ’92, two years after they left school, because that’s when they decided to stop calling him “Fearless Leader”.

So they probably kept hanging out until the accident. Gary was certainly the glue sticking the group together but finally took it too far.

Now, when talking about Andy, Gary says this: 

“And Andy. Andy was my wingman. The one guy I could rely on to back me up. He loved me, and I’m not being funny, but I loved him.”

Why would he be funny by saying that? Because admitting he loves his friend makes him less of a badass? No, he really liked his friends. But he loved Andy so much.

And I’m not talking as a shipper or anything. I’m really not. Actually, I’ve never shipped Gary with anyone if I have to be honest. Like Sam says, he’s not boyfriend material. I’m talking about platonic friendship. A very strong friendship that still existed despite “the accident”. That’s why Andrew keeps following Gary until they arrived at The World’s End, because he still cares, and he can’t watch him destroying himself like that. That’s why they all went back. Because in a way, they cared. They kept complaining but seeing everyone wasn’t that bad. They did laugh together, even with Gary, despite being pissed at him. They also weren’t expecting much of him, they know him:

But Gary’s relationship with Andy is special.

Andy is kind of the one who made everyone come back. They clearly didn’t go back for Gary. They went because of Gary, but each of them has asked if Andy would be there first. Probably because Andy’s presence would mean that if he could get past Gary’s mistakes, then maybe they could and should give it a try. And Andy went back with the hope that maybe Gary has changed, even just a little bit. When they are sitting outside while Gary’s playing Need for Speed (for someone who hasn’t seen it, this might sound like a weird as fuck movie), he says this:

Well, of course, he then learned he got money from the other three and gets mad, but you know. He did hope for a split second that he wasn’t exactly the same and that maybe, it was really because of what he told him in his office that Gary wanted to do that again. That’s also why he cuts him some slack at the beginning)

Speaking of the dialogue in his office! Remember I said I would come back to that scene at some point? Well, here we are. Yes, you might have forgotten because this post is very long and I ramble but if you’re still with me, well… it’s not almost the end but we’re getting there.  Anyway! So, Gary lies about his mom dying and that’s the following conversation:

Again, maybe I’m reaching, but he seems so honest that I wouldn’t be surprised if he was actually using his mom’s death as a metaphor for his own suicide attempt. It got him thinking about the old days. He never really stopped thinking about them. He still has The Beast, he still has the tape Steve made him and that he was still always listening to, but these last months were probably extremely rough for him and got him really thinking about all of this in a more depressing way than he ever did. His life had been going downhill since he got out of school, but he finally hit rock bottom really hard.

He says his mother has always really liked Andy, but he might as well be speaking about his own feelings. He even says that he likes the guys, but that Andy was the best friend he’s ever had (and probably the only one he ever felt this way for.)

He has a weird behavior around Andy. He’s always acting so confident, but throughout the movie, he keeps seeking some kind of reassurance from Andy. Either because he wants his approval but also because he wants to prove himself right, or because he wants to believe everything is fine between them.

He has a really hard time expressing his true feelings, probably because he’s used to hiding them all the time. Every time he does express them, we can see how miserable he is and why Simon calls him “a walking tragedy”.

This leads me to the three most powerful dialogues in this movie, I think. I mean, in my opinion, they are the most telling about Gary’s truth, even though the movie is sprinkled with hints on what’s going on, like with this very obvious line:

We clearly know that it was something that was told directly to him, we know where, despite him acting like it’s just some trivia.

So the first dialogue I have in mind is the one with Sam. Sorry, loads of gifs are coming your way:

I feel like for the first time in the movie, he’s kinf of done with his own behavior and he’s ready to have a serious talk and admit some important things. Like when he says Steve is better than him, because he knows he’s a fuck up but now he’s ready to admit it. And in a few lines, you see something else. No, it’s not all about that night, it never was. Life doesn’t have purpose for only one night in your life. Yes, maybe it was the happiest night that there ever was, if it even was, but it doesn’t mean shit, really. But Gary holds on to it like his life was depending on it. Well, in this scenario, it kind of is. Sam tells him that it doesn’t have to be all about that night, kind of letting him know he has the choice to leave it behind and finally move on. And she can see that he gets it. But then, if Gary can’t hold onto that night, he at least wants to keep some things from it, hence his questions about the disableds. Sam agrees, giving him at least that because either way, he’s losing against his own life. If at least he’s trying, she can let him hold onto that memory.

It makes me think of the moment Gary tells Andy that the Golden Mile is all he’s got. There could be so much more, but Gary feels like he’s got nothing else, unlike his friends who have “everything”, like he says. That’s wy he fights for it, because it’s what’s important to him, like Andy is fighting for his marriage.

The second dialogue would be this one: 

No, it wasn’t his fault that Andy crashed the car. He didn’t overdose on purpose, and Andy chose to drive him to the hospital while drunk and driving four times over the limit. But he did choose to flee the scene and leave Andy to die. And Andy wouldn’t be so angry and resentful if it hadn’t hurt him so much. It hurt him because he loved Gary. 

Remember, when introducing Andy, Gary himself says that Andy was the one guy he could rely on. You’d think it would be the same for Andy, but Gary betrayed him.

Before the third dialogue, I want to elaborate on this, on Gary taking responsibility, kind of? He doesn’t talk about his mistakes.

Every time someone points out one of his past mistake or how his behavior is inappropriate, he changes the subject or tries to get his way.

He doesn’t want to face the things he’s done because he knows he can only blame himself for these situations and he already hates himself enough, he doesn’t need to be reminded of these things again and again.

And it’s also because he wouldn’t like to see his friends discover the way he really feels. Whenever his suicide attempt could get discovered or whenever he thinks about it, he quickly tries to hide the truth.

At first, I’m pretty sure he thought that Andy knew about his attempt, because he’s so surprised when he asks to see his arm. Then, when Andy tells him what injury he wants to see, he’s in full defensive mode and changes the subject again, trying to prove he’s him thanks to his memory, and not a scar.

Andy was ready to bash his head right in if for one second he believed he was a blank, but even then, Gary won’t show his arm, because he can’t let them know he hit rock bottom.

It’s the same with Sam:

The same old gary. Gary doesn’t like change. He hates it. He hates to see that his friends have changed and he knows that in a way, he changed as well, no matter how hard he tries to remain the same old Gary, the one that was happy.

When he learns that there are robots and that it’s not them that have changed but the town, he’s ecstatic.

And finally, the third dialogue I was talking about:

Getting help put Gary in emotional pain, even worse than what he already had before, because of the way he was treated. He hated it, he felt so miserable. Feeling like he’s living a lie, like nothing is what it’s supposed to be, feeling like he has absolutely no control. He doesn’t, not on life, but he could decide to do better. He just doesn’t have the courage.

Andy was already caring, way before that. And he’s always known Gary needed help. At that moment:

Andy wants to finally put the limit. It’s true, it’s the last one. Then, Gary will have completed the Golden Mile. Then, what? That’s not the point but what would Gary have done after that? He would have no purpose and like he says, the Golden Mile is all he’s got. Still, Andy doesn’t let him have one more drink.

Back in the tenth pub, he seemed to happy that Gary was accepting to let it go, to have one last drink and put an end to the crawl. He was still hoping for change.

I feel like this scene just shows how hard it is to overcome addictions just by yourself. He tried, when he got in the hospital, and he ended up leaving. He was really drinking his last beer, at that moment, but he couldn’t resist, once again, and had to have the other two. He really wanted to try, but the temptation was so strong.

Andy follows him because like his marriage, Gary is important, and he fights for what’s important to him.

Maybe Andy was able to make it on his own after the accident, but Gary isn’t Andy. He knows that Gary can’t make it on his own. He was never able to. It doesn’t mean he isn’t strong. Andy knows how strong Gary is, living through his addictions for so long, seeing that he tried to kill himself. He knows he’s strong, but it doesn’t mean he can’t have some help from people who really care about him. Now, he knows that can’t happen unless you force him to. So if he has to actually physically fight Gary to stop him, he will, because he knows his friend wouldn’t be able to stop unless being actually knocked the fuck out. He could let him have the last pint of the Golden Mile, but it would mean he allows him to do what he wants one more time. He puts a stop to it because the Golden Mile doesn’t matter, Gary matters. If he has to shatter his last chance of completing the crawl, even if he’s so close he can almost feel the beer on his tongue, he will if that’s what it takes to make him come to his senses.

Besides, he knows that Gary regrets what he’s done, both in the past and that day. He doesn’t constantly mean to hurt his friends. He does it because he can’t help it, but like Sam says, he’s not a bad person.

By the way, I often wonder what would have happened if they had forced him to show his arm when checking everyone’s scars. If Andy, Peter and Steve had discovered about his suicide attempt at that point.

Would they have understood that Gary was on a suicide mission, at that moment?

And that it was only making it all the more exciting for him?

This is Gary King, everyone. 

Also, funnily and terribly enough, he relieved the night the same way he first lived it back in 1990. Some gifs and images as evidence:

Which begs the question; was the first night even that great to begin with?

I think I covered everything I had in mind (not bloody quite but well). I don’t even know. It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this but I’m glad it did, I got to ramble about my favorite trilogy for hours on end so. And also... I’m pretty sure I was trying to prove something with all this but my point is: I’m in love with Simon Pegg. 

No, ok. Again. Seriously. 

The World’s End is such an underrated movie. And Gary King is such an important character. The movie depicts human nature in the realest way, with all its flaws. And Gary King is depicting mental illness, was written by someone who went through this kind of things. The movie is very personal for both Simon and Edgar, actually. I don’t know much about Edgar, to be perfectly honest. I love his movies, he’s an genius, but I don’t know much about his personal life. I just do know this movie is important for him too. I do know that Simon has dealt with alcoholism, if I’m not mistaken he’s been sober since 2010, he knows what it’s like to battle addiction and depression.

The movie doesn’t romanticize these problems one bit. It shows how bad it can be, and how it can be perceived as by people not knowing much about these things. Remember that comment talking about the fact that the “mid-life crisis” Gary’s going through gets annoying after a while? Welp.

Could you imagine actually living in Gary King’s head for more than an hour. Unbearable. Especially since he’s aware of some of the fucked up things he’s doing and must hate himself for it. 

Yes, there’s the humor and the crazy robot stuff going on on the side, but that was my point at the beginning. That’s why the big weird entity that invaded earth isn’t the big villain of the movie.

I always say the same thing about villains. Take Thanos in the MCU for example. He’s the fucking worst and yet, his actions are justified. Careful. Not excusable, justifiable. You understand that there’s a point for him, that he firmly believes in what he’s doing, that he’s sure his actions are what’s supposed to be done to make Earth a better world, that what he does is right. Yet, because we’re rational and fucking decent, we know that’s not the way you solve problems. Here, the enemy believes it needs to replace humanity with perfect beings, to… make Earth perfect, or something. You know that it’s pointless, because like they show, only three humans in Newton Haven were spared. Earth is filled with flawed humans, you’d have to replace everyone to make it better. And yet, these actions are “justified” by a thought process. Doesn’t mean turning humans into compost is excusable. That creature’s definitely a villain, but not the main one in the movie.

The end of the world ain’t even a bad thing in the movie. On the contrary. A lot of people survived and Andy himself says things are simpler. They’re kind of back to the Dark Age and they realized that all their problems seemed very small in comparison to such events, and they’re happier.

Here, Gary is his friends’ enemy, he’s the blank leader’s enemy, and he is his own worst enemy. He hurts absolutely everyone, himself included. Because of his own addictions and depression. That’s what can really happen in real life and that’s something I really like about the movie.

And he ends up alone. He took the decision to leave but you don’t have a dumb female love interest that falls for the bad boy and make the worst decision she could by getting with him at the end so that we’d have a happy end and so would Gary. Sam’s very honest with him, she tells him how things are until he finally understands and agrees with her. He makes the right choice (“for once,” like he says) and makes her save herself and is fine with her ending up with Steve.

He’s always known the truth, but he had to accept it and he does. It’s difficult, but he does.

I don’t think Gary’s end’s a happy one. I have mixed feelings about Gary’s end because I don’t think he’s going to be satisfied on the long term and he does deserve some happiness at that point in his life. He excluded himself from everyone and is still stuck in that circle of not growing up. He’s definitely happier and he’s sober. But what is going to happen? He’s going to grow old and the blanks won’t change and then what? How is he going to feel about that? 

It’s a real ending, not a cheesy one. But at least he always has that option of coming back at some point. He did once. And he would be more welcomed, and he’d act the right way.

Like he told his teacher back in high school, all he ever wanted was to have a good time. With the four blanks, he’s traveling and having his own fun, he does what he wants, he has the freedom he always wanted to have, he kind of found his path. That’s all he ever wanted, he just found a new way to do so. At least, he’s got that, and he knows his friends have what they want as well. Earth is destroyed but Steven is with the love of his life, and Andy got back together with his wife and lives happily. 

Well. I think that’s about all I wanted to say. I hope. That was long enough. I just hope you guys are still reading, and that you “enjoyed” this thing that took me forever to write. I’d love your opinion. I’d love it if it made other people watch the movie or enjoy it more than they did at first. I just love this movie so much. And I just love Gary King so much. 

I rest my case. Lets’ Boo-Boo.

[doubtfulintentions-blog]

Unexpected Things II

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader / slight Jin x Reader

Theme(s): roommate au, tattoo artist jungkook au, designer! oc

Genre: smut(?)

Word Count: 8,660

Description: Jungkook and you shared a lot things in common, an apartment, your likes and dislikes in movies and the enjoyment of sex. But not with each other. Making bets of who could get more hookups in a week or month.

One of the both realizes their feelings one day, and it might be late or just in time.

Part 1 / Part 2

© credit to the rightful owner of the gif.

CHAPTER 2

Getting that usual numbness after a wild night, you woke up and sighed. Lifting up your arms and letting them drop at either side of your bed, you became aware of something beside you. It felt hard, not like forgotten clothes after cleaning them.

You started to panic and decided to open your eyes. No fucking way. There was Jin. Naked and STILL in your bed. What the actual fuck? Did you get so tired that you fell asleep on the last round?

Wanting to get him out of your apartment, you began to fake a cough and waiting for him to finally wake up.

He stirred in his dreams, and opened one eye to check what was happening. As he opened both of his eyes, he began to smile. He dared to smiled at you! With his damn beautiful bone structure and full lips! Who does he think he is?

“Hey there,” he dared to speak first as well, damn boys and morning voices. “Had a great time yesterday, even though you slept on me by the end of it” Chuckling to himself and looking adorable.

Getting out of your trance, you responded. “Good morning to you too, just a little question… Did you really slept here?”

“Yeah.” Smiling brightly in your direction as if it was the most normal thing in the world. “Want me to make you breakfast? My eggs benedict are really good.”

You wanted to drop everything by then, he seriously didn’t seem unfazed by your question or the attitude. Trying not to be rude to him, you just nodded yes and he started getting up. With such a good back view of his shoulders and legs, you sighed and thought what the hell, might as well enjoy this.

As he was putting his pants to go through the door, you just wished Jungkook was still asleep or already out and about. Sleep was calling you again, so you allowed yourself to sleep a little bit more.

While Jin was trying to figure out how he would come up with the eggs benedict recipe without some of the ingredients. Jungkook opened his bedroom door for Karen? Katherine? to go out already. Surprisingly this girl wasn’t loud and actually chill about everything.

“Well… I had fun Ka-...” Jungkook was waiting for her to interrupt him to say her name. It didn’t happen whatsoever.

“No need to learn my name,” she said chuckling at his relieved face, “by the way, i had a great time.” Winking at him, she proceeded to go directly to the door without looking back. Such a good trooper that even he was impressed. Just saying bye with her hand, she opened the door and shut it herself.

Woah. Now he was waiting for you to come out of the kitchen to see your reaction to the scene that just unfolded. He waited a little bit but the constant movement in the kitchen made him move to the room, wanting to share the experience.

He came face to face to the guy that accompanied you yesterday. Of course he remembers, he and whatever that girl was named heard the both of you having multiple rounds. Envious of the stamina of this guy, he just wanted to… Wait a minute, what is he doing here?  

“Hi there, sorry for making so much noise” Jungkook wondered if he meant last night or right now.

“No problem man,” feeling strange interacting with a guy you just fucked, it was a first for sure, “I’m Jungkook by the way”

Jin straightened up from the bottom of your food shelf and left the ingredients in the counter, proceeding to introduce himself. “Yeah, couldn’t introduce myself last night,” he said laughing while Jungkook felt a little annoyance but he seemed like a genuine guy, “I’m Jin, saw you talking with Hobie at the party.”

Right when Jungkook was about to respond, you came out of your room making your way to the kitchen. As if this scene was so natural, you sat down at the counter while they kept silent watching you.

“Feeling okay?” Jungkook asked

“I’m just too hungry and tired,” looking directly at Jin, he just shaked his head and grabbed everything he left on top of the counter to begin cooking. “what were you guys talking about?”

“Jin here was telling me he saw me talking to Hobie last night,” making a pause, Jungkook made his way to the coffee maker, “so where did you met him?” Now he was talking directly at Jin.

“Well I was his senior at uni, but I had to drop it for a work offer.” Kook and you looked at each other with impressed looks. Jin kept making breakfast with the same calm aura that draw you in. “So what do you do nowadays?” you asked, admiring his back.

Getting the plates and putting the food in it, Jin winked at you knowing full well how tired you were. “I’m a game developer.” As he began telling you the whole story of how he got to where he is now, Jungkook made his exit to his room, too tired to hear what he had to say.

While eating breakfast, you couldn’t stop thinking how someone slept in your bed and being fed by them. Crazy as it seems, you do want a relationship but don’t want so much drama around it. Okay, maybe you had like two formal boyfriends and it ended up badly and your character became wary of commitment, but the dating department it has always been bleek. So you just went for it with the guys you knew wanted the same. It was scary how Jin made you think this way with only the conversations you both had last night and right about now.

Finishing up the eggs, he started asking. “So where do you work?” It seems he wanted to know more about your background. “From what I can recall, you said you were an intern in a fashion brand”

“Quite an observant one you are” chuckling, you continued, “And answering to your question, yes I am, I kill myself every week to make the cut”

“So you don’t have time to go out or at least relax yourself a little?”

“Kind of, but thankfully all my friends keep bothering me to go out and unwind a little,” you said smiling to yourself, suddenly Jin’s phone went off. He answered it, giving you an apologetic look, he really wanted to hear what you got to say.

After the call, he said “Want to go out sometime?” this surprised you a lot, and it seemed your face showed it because Jin rushed to explain, “I mean, it doesn’t have to happen if you don’t want to, but I’m really intrigued and I wanna know you.”

“Of course I want to,” you paused, “I’m just a little rusty on the dating department though, but if you don’t mind it then let’s do it” musting your most bright smile at him.

He chuckled a little, “For someone with so much confidence to say that, it surprises me” he took a last sip of his coffee, “then it’s settled, I just need your number”

“No please or something else?” chuckling you went ahead and grabbed his phone to put your number in it. Maybe this couldn’t be so bad right? A guy that seems confident enough to be like this, should be a good decision.

Finishing breakfast, you both made your way to the door to bid goodbye. “I will call you later in the week,” pausing he stared at you with meaning in his eyes, “if our schedules match, we should go out for some coffee”

“Sure, I would love to” trying to keep your calm, “bye Jin” smiling up at him, he returned it and went his way.

“Byeeeee Jinnn,” an exaggerated fake pitch voice came through the living room. “God, I’ve never seen Ms. I never let my men sleep get so soft with them.” Making your way to him, you flicked his forehead, earning a groan out of him but proceeded to follow you to the fridge.

“For your information Jin stayed at his own will.” finally speaking about the matter out loud.

“That’s obvious, you wouldn’t let anyone stay over but… you didn’t get mad?”

“Got confused and irritated at first, but Jin seems different, he gets my references and jokes.” Wanting to change the subject, you looked for your purse and house keys. “Wanna go to the supermarket? We are low on food”

While at the market, you guys began to look for anything pre-made. Your designated stalker of the day was there making sure to keep an eye on Jungkook. Almost every time you two went out (which wasn’t too often because of lack of time), there always was a girl following you both.

At first it was annoying and terrifying, not actually believing the power of Jungkook’s dick. The girls were wishful to have something more with him, you understood the little hope the girls he hooked up with but the ones that only had a tattoo done by him were creepy to you.

Right when you guys were taking a turn on the cookies isle and you got a glimpse of a girl. Wanting her to go away, you grabbed Jungkook’s arm and pretended to be those clingy girlfriends for a while.

“What are you thinking on doing?” he asked, “don’t wanna broke her heart” pouting in a mocking way, he put his arm on your shoulders.

“I’m just trying to help,” feeling uncomfortable at the look you were receiving from the cashier lady that always compliments you guys on being such a cute couple, “plus, we are making the cashier’s dreams come true,” laughing to yourself and adding, “she is always asking why we don’t hold hands or something.”

“Shh, the girl is already leaving I think.”

As on cue, the girl was looking back when she was exiting through the supermarket doors. The three of you made eye contact and she instantly looked like a tomato but opted to run away. Jungkook was chuckling by now, but you hit him, poor girl just wanting to look at her crush.

“Don’t be mean, you asshole”

“I didn’t even made a move when she went to the tattoo parlor!” he lifted his arms in defeat, “When I was tattooing her, she didn’t even make a sound, even when I asked her if it hurt or not”

“I guess she is shy” you said while grabbing pasta, “you can’t judge her.”

“She wanted a tramp stamp”

“Oh…”

Continuing you adventures, Jungkook took out his phone to take a photo. Always taking it out when you “didn’t notice” but of course you could tell by his weird poses, trying not to get caught. He loved taking random shots of everyday life, you guessed.

“Do you want me to strike a pose?” asking playfully, you positioned yourself besides the snacks.

He just looked at you dead in the eye, but continued the “photoshoot” anyway. After the nth take,  the both of you made your way to the cashier to pay, some people were throwing looks to you guys, not caring if they didn’t like two adults having fun… you honestly didn’t care.

Later at the apartment, you were sorting everything out in their respective cabinets. As you placed every can and grocery on its place, you realized you had unwittingly bought the ingredients needed to make eggs benedict. Furrowing your brows, you tried to figure out why a smirk appeared while thinking about this morning’s event. Behind you, Jungkook was resting on the couch —as if he was exhausted from that market trip, roaring something you didn’t understand; you were so immersed on your thoughts to pay any attention.

Suddenly his voice was louder and clearer; he was now sitting on the table behind you. “Why are you ignoring me?” he asked rising his voice.

You opted for not sparing him a look; neither you knew why you were ignoring him. “I’m doing something called thinking, you should try it sometime.” You heard him huff at you. “What are you thinking about?”

“I was wondering when will you ever help me arrange the groceries,” you joked, he never helped you after getting groceries; he always claimed you were a better arranger that’s why he opted to place everything inside the same shelf.

He said nothing for a moment, he always did that whenever he had nothing to say; for him silence was always a valid answer. “You know what I was wondering?” he finally uttered. “Who are we going to share some fluids with tonight?”

Slowly turning around you flashed him a disgusted look, it didn’t matter how you had been living with him, you were still amazed by his bluntness. “You have to say it like that? Ugh, disgusting,” you followed his chat but not in the direction he wanted.

He laughed at you but still continued the topic, “Seriously, Y/N. What will be tonight’s criteria?

“I don’t know, for some reason I’m not feeling well. It must had caught a cold at the supermarket or something.”

“A cold? My balls,” he walked closer to you, resting against the counter besides you. “Every existing illness can be fixed with a good fuck, I can guarantee that.” Since you refused to make a comment, he kept on going his speech. “How about hitting only on somebody with an ex trauma or something. Sounds fun, huh?”

You were still getting things on their respective place, so you covered your distant demeanor by pretending to read the can’s info. “I really don’t know, maybe tonight its not the night.”

He playfully poked your side, wanting an answer. He knew how bad your temper could get and was conscious you would explode any second, but even so, he tried his luck “You know that you can suggest a criteria as well, right?; If you think mine are a little hard for you.”

You reached your limit. For some reason your mind was a mess, you couldn’t put in order and Jungkook messing around unleashed a volcano inside you. Slamming the can on the counter, you spat at him. “Goddammit Jungkook, fucking stop.”

Stepping away from you with a concerned, look he asked. “Why are you so bitchy? I was just asking a damn question.”

“I’m not being bitchy, I already said I don’t know. I don’t have to answer all of your fucking questions.” Running your hands through your hair your turned around and went back to store the groceries.

Jungkook received a text at that moment. He seemed annoyed at whoever sent it, not knowing if it was because of you or the sender.

“Who is that from?” you dared to ask. You knew you cause his now annoyed state, but you couldn’t help get mad at him at his insistence.

“Fucking Jennie just saying they are coming over to get ready,” already fuming from your behavior just seconds ago, he continued “so you guys are going to take like 5 hours to get ready or something right?”

“Don’t be so dramatic, but yeah we got to look great for the big day.”

“Alright… I guess I’m going to finish that drama I started yesterday”

Dejected, he went to his room, you knew he wasn’t actually annoyed or mad, but you really didn’t want to hook up with someone tonight. You wanted to fake a reason as to why but you already knew at the back of your mind. Also, your girls really took so much time getting ready and updating each other of your lives that it made it hard to comprehend how putting make up and dress yourself took so long, and guessing by his behavior just now, you assumed it added up to his annoyance.

This day was special because an important producer was going to watch Hoseok, Yoongi and Namjoon perform at a usual underground place your group went almost any free weekend. They were known around the underground hip hop scene, getting a lot of people go to their shows but now that the producer was attending, it was a big deal.

Hearing the doorbell made you force yourself out of your train of thought. Getting up while putting the last can in their place, you heard Jungkook say he would answer the door. Immediately regretting his decision as the girls entered screaming for you, and saying their hellos to him.

Exhaling at the sight, he said “As I said before, Imma finish my drama.” going directly to his room, the girls looked stunned at his attitude, not paying attention to them, he stayed at his door frame to add something more. “When you guys are ready, tell me because I need to pick up Taetae, so we can go to the bar on time.”

Making a turn to enter his room, he closed the door quite rudely, startling each one of you. Signalling them to follow you silently, they did as requested and began rushing to your room.

When the girls entered, they started laughing at Jungkook, joining them you took a seat at your desk. “Okay, okay, we should stop. He will notice eventually.”

“What’s wrong with him?” Danielle said as she laid down on your bed, Jennie and Stella followed her as well.

“He is mad at me, but that’s not important right now. We aren’t going to a fucking funeral, so you better choose stunning outfits alright?” you started, “we need a good attitude to support the guys and get you little asses ready.”

“At once, leader.” Daniella made a soldier-like salute and all of you started to look for outfits. Getting ready with them reminded you of your times sharing a house together. Yes, it actually happened and it was such a mess that it made you fight with each other for meaningless things, so you all decided to move out separately because having four strong personalities was not a good combination.

The girls took out their outfits for the night, as you went directly to your closet. But something was going on in the air around you. Looking back at Stella, she looked nervous and excited at the same time. You guessed that being Yoongi’s biggest opportunity to make it, was making her worry for her non-official man.

“Y/N” Jennie began to whine, you knew exactly what she wanted but you didn’t want to give up, “Just put something slutty for once! You are not going to a fashion show.”

“Look, if I want to get laid I’m going to do it with style and still look sexy,” she would always complain that you complicated yourself with intricate dresses or whatever you chose to wear, “plus I think for tonight I wanna concentrate on the guy’s big night and not look for someone.” as you said it with such a calm demeanour, the room became eerily silent.

“What did you just said?” Stella look stunned at your statement. “You aren’t sick right? Did last night guy’s dick did something to your head? Was he that rough that your brain cells aren’t functioning right now?”

Cracking up by yourself at her questions, you began for the search for your dress for the night. Apparently no one else thought that the questions were funny, so you needed to explain, “It might be something to do with Jin,” everyone was speechless as words came out of your mouth, “he seems like a decent guy and I seriously don’t wanna play games tonight.”

“Oh lord, his moves must be awesome to stop Y/N wanting to play along with Jungkook,” Jennie added, “he is going to be devastated knowing that his partner is going soft.”

“He was already lamenting this event, that’s why he is mad right now but he doesn’t know the real reason right now. They even met while Jin was making breakfast...” Danielle interrupted, “DID HE MADE YOU BREAKFAST?!”

“Yes,” not wanting to give further details, you added “lace or simple?” you were referring to your dress for the night and at the back of your mind you wished Hoseok invited him. Wanting to impress him further. It didn’t hurt nobody right?

“Okay she doesn’t wants to talk about this… and lace, of course.” Jennie turned around to observe Stella’s still anxious frame, “Let’s focus on the girl that is head over heels over a guy she still hasn’t even gone to first base.”

“Ew. Stop talking like we are in middle school.” It seemed like these kind of talks took her out of her nervous trance. “Firstly, he doesn’t even look my way…”

“SHUT UP” you went to said in a rather passionate way to say the least, “Yoongi kisses the ground you walk into, so we are not going to start a pity party right now.” hating how sometimes the girls talked about themselves or the relationships they had, made you sad. They were amazing human beings, “Let’s get serious with these outfits.”

It seemed as your words made magic, because each one of the girls started to get their makeup ready and choosing what they were going to wear. At the same time, Jungkook was coming out of his room after  finishing up an episode, already ready to go out. With a tight black shirt and dark jeans, he looked great for the night. While waiting for you and the girls, he received a message from Namjoon.

namjoon: hey man, yoongs is jumpy af rn jungkook: whatta mean? for the perf or his girl namjoon: “his girl” he wishes lol namjoon: shit he saw namjoon: rip me

Trying to answer the ongoing messages from Namjoon’s chat, he received a call from Yoongi himself.

“Hey, y’all are really coming right?” Jungkook knew he wasn’t interested in the slightest about your group coming but his real reason to call him so suddenly. “Just wanted to check on you guys.”

“She is at my apartment,” he tried to cover up the chuckle that was threatening to be heard, “she and the girls are getting ready at Y/N room as we speak.”

“You better not spy on her” What possessed Yoongi to talk like this? His mushy side showed up whenever Stella was involved.

As Jungkook was formulating a comeback, the four of you went out of your room, ready to leave. “Man, you are going to be losing breath tonight.”

At the underground bar

Yoongi thought that Jungkook was kidding when he ended the call abruptly, but he wasn’t. His eyes were trained only on Stella. He noticed the effort everyone made and was beyond grateful having such supportive friends. But damn, he got to hurry if he wanted something with her.

As they were approaching him, he ushered them to enter the VIP room the bar provided. Everyone was making noises when he went directly to Stella but he didn’t mind them in the slightest.

“You look stunning tonight,” he whispered in her ear, “any reason why?”

“Today is a certain someone’s big night,” as she got closer, his heart beat increased, “I mean Hobie sure will appreciate my effort.”

“Wait what?” his dumbfounded look almost made her laugh. Of course this change in attire was for him, she just wanted to see what he would do.

“I’m going to talk to him, if you excuse me.” she began to run a little while Yoongi stayed speechless.

“Come back here you evil woman!” trailing behind her, he forgot there were more people around. This was a usual scene for everyone here, so they didn’t pay too much attention.

“They sure like this push and pull shit,” Jennie commented, “how many years has it been?”

“Like two but they are adorable, so don’t complain.” Taehyung answered.

“I’m not complaining! I just want them to fuck already.” pouting by herself, she grabbed your arm, “Come on, let’s get drinks before I get sad over this.” You said while laughing along the other two, going directly to the bar.

Jungkook started looking around the club to see if someone caught his eye, he could go for the girls that were already checking him out but that would be too easy. Without someone to scheme with, this was going to be a boring night.

After a little walk, he found a girl that fitted his taste and actually could talk without wanting to vomit on the spot. When he got seated besides her stool, he noticed how she resembled someone but he couldn’t pinpoint who, and apparently she was with a friend but he pay no attention whatsoever. As he requested a drink from the bartender, he became aware of  how both of them kept hushing over something and looking up and down at him. Taking advantage of the situation, he started talking.

“Do you come here often? I’m Jungkook by the way.”

“Actually I don’t, but I wanted to spice things up. I’m...” she wanted to appear seductive but the effect was different on him and the end of her sentence was blurry.

“I’m glad it was today then.” Damn, he couldn’t come up with something else to say without a purpose for tonight. He always needed some type of motivation to chase. “Wanna go with me to the VIP?”

“Of course! Can my friend come too?” her friend surprisingly just got up excitingly without hearing an affirmation from his part.

“Let’s go then.” Jungkook lead the way with whatever her name was by his arm and the friend to his other side.

This was going to be a boring night.

As you entered the VIP room again, from your peripheral vision you could see Jungkook sulking and looking at you with two girls by his side. Was he actually mad at you right now? Because that would be tiring and so childish. Of course as friends and roommates you have had your fights but they never lasted more than 5 minutes, but he seemed annoyed at the fact he discovered your actual reason.

It didn’t matter right now, you both were here to support the guys in their big night, so he has to understand. It was kind of bizarre to watch him like this, if this was another time, he would be sucking the girls’ faces already.

Making your way to one of the couches, the girls started to whisper around you. “Your man is at the entrance” Danielle said.

As in cue, Jin was entering the room with his friend Jimin. You wanted to laugh because you got excited over what Danielle said, it was kind of dumb to get like this over a guy you just fucked the night before.

At the same time, he was walking towards you and couldn’t hide the smirk he was fighting to hide. He was also thrilled to see you. Taking a seat beside you, the girls began to stand up, giving such lame excuses that it almost made you cringe. Were you guys still in high school? Geez.

“It was dumb of me to think I wouldn’t see you tonight,” he made a move as he wanted to hug you and of course you allowed it, loving his smell, ���I guess the force is really by my side.”

“Ugh! Oh my god, could you people stop making such cringy comments?” your laugh indicated you dismissed the comment you just did. “Ready for the performance?”

“Hobie sent me several songs,” getting closer, you became hyper aware of people around you, your friends were mocking your expression, “but rap nor hip-hop are my thing.”

“Same here but I gotta admit they are really good, even though I don’t know a thing about the genre.” Looking back at him, you wondered how much closer he could get right now, it made you nervous and that was rare.

“Let’s not worry about that then,” sipping on his drink, he started playing with your hair. May the lord have mercy on your soul. This guy was going to be the end of you and a day had not passed, “people are watching and I don’t wanna contain myself around you, it’s that okay? You can take the teasing?” he said grinning, you just nodded your head yes and started giggling like a 12 year old.

At the other side of the VIP area, Jungkook was watching this unfold along Jimin, the later became interested in Jennie who was besides him right about now, who by the way, told the girls to go to the other side of the table they were currently in. Such a weird way of wanting attention of a guy. She had balls though.

“I bet you 20 bucks they going to get laid again tonight.” Jimin uttered

“Hopefully,” Jungkook heard Jennie say, “I think they might even become a thing.”

Jimin laughed at the statement, nodding his head and hugging Jennie, whose face became red as a tomato. He knew how eager Jin was to see Y/N again because he couldn’t shut up about her the entire day.

Jungkook couldn’t believe what they said, they continued to talk about themselves and flirt to their heart's content. Y/N doesn’t get that involved with her guys… right? Like if she did this, it would be weird because he has never experienced a Y/N going on dates or having a boyfriend. Just fucking weird.

The nameless girl beside him started caressing his leg, wanting his attention somehow, and getting it right away. She was cute and all but something felt off. Without a criteria, it was kind of odd to hook up with someone, but he didn’t want to be a jerk and leave the girl alone.

As he started to lean into her neck to test the waters, a man entered the area and told the guys they were ready for them to perform. Sighing in relief, he made a mocking annoyed face at her just to appease the mood.

“Finally!” Danielle exclaimed, making everyone turn her way as she was heard through the area, apparently already tipsy from whatever she drank.

“Is it going to be one of those nights again?” Stella asked. She referred to the times Danielle gets drunk out of her mind when you guys go out and gets really difficult to put up with.

“I won’t let her, we need to be screaming for our boys.” you told her as everyone in the room was making their way to the exit and directly to the stage.

“I know who will be screaming a certain name tonight,” Jennie intervened in your conversation while looking at Stella and Yoongi walking side by side. “They are finally going to hook up!” Laughing along with her, you guys got to the main area of the stage.

Namjoon was having a serious talk with Yoongi and Hoseok apparently, they seemed fidgety. Having such a huge opportunity, they can’t afford making mistakes. There were a lot of people in the crowd, you were amazed at how much people they could gather in one tiny place.

From your peripheral vision, you spotted Jin talking with Jimin while looking at you. Suddenly Jin winked, you got scared for a moment, you thought you were being cautious. As you turned around to chat with your girls, all of the sudden the gig was starting. Stella was screaming her heart out, of course. Jungkook was near the speakers with one girl. Assuming he left the other with someone else, you noticed how fake his movements looked around her, it wasn’t the always confident Kook you all knew.

Not minding his attitude right now, you focused your attention back to the stage where the guys where showcasing their rap skills for a while. As they were performing, Jin was getting closer from behind you, breath fanning over your neck and making you shiver in content.

“Enjoying so far?” grabbing your waist, he made himself comfortable in the crook of your neck. Creating this intimate wall between you both and everyone else. You heard snickers but it didn’t matter.

“Actually yeah,” turning a little to face him, “told you they were good.” Getting more comfortable with the position you were in, you could smell his cologne, such an addicting aroma.

Murmuring a yes, he kept talking, “Wanna go somewhere after this?” you could feel the vibrations of his voice in your back as he talked.

“Of course.” You left it at that while giving him a light kiss on the cheek and taking your attention back to your friends’ performance.

Jin smiled ear to ear at that, knowing full well someone was observing from afar…

When the performance was over, Yoongi made his way over to Stella who was flustered from all the screaming she did and of course the eye-fucking contest that took place between them. Being cautious of anyone seeing them, he took her to another place close to the stage, Stella followed him confused.

“The producer plans to take all of us with him to an after party at his penthouse, and he said to bring my girlfriend with me…” Stella stayed frozen at her place, did she just hear wrong? When did he started dating someone? “So, you wanna come or not?”

Yoongi started laughing at her baffled state, and couldn’t hide his proud look. He knew it was time to stop the childish game and be brave. Almost two years of pushing back the thought because fear took over him everytime he tried to make a move.

“It was about time Min Yoongi, I’m surprised you didn’t make me a song or something for your luckiest day.” Here she goes again with that attitude. He loved it.

Taking a step forward to him, she hugged him by his neck and tried to make a disgusted face at his puckered lips, always trying to make a situation lighter than it actually was. Finally, they kissed and it felt like those two years were worth the wait. Breaking apart from the kiss, he followed her lips, making her giggle a little bit.

“What time do we have to be at this after party though?”

“I don’t know and I don’t really care right now,” he said while looking at her lips, “come here.” Taking her face again, he couldn’t get enough of her, so deciding to take this somewhere else, he signalled to follow him to another place. She gladly accepted.

While everyone was getting ready to get into Jungkook’s and Hoseok’s cars outside of the bar, Namjoon seemed on edge. Getting an invitation from the producers, already getting the approval for an album and a studio for it, was a big deal. Taehyung and your girls were chatting up with Jimin, getting along just fine, while Jin and you were hugging because of the wind. Jungkook was already in his car with his girl.

“Where the fuck is he? We need to get going.” Namjoon started to whine to Hoseok

“Don’t know man, he went straight to Stella and I haven’t seen them since.”

“Come on guys,” you butted in, “we all know what it’s taking place right now, so no one has to fuck it up.” Looking at everyone around you in almost a threatening way.

“Alright, alright,” Jungkook made a comment after what it seemed ages, “We are going or what?”

Everyone looked over at him, the annoyed tone and demeanor didn’t help with Namjoon’s temper, so everyone opted to ignore Yoongi’s and Stella’s absence. You decided to avoid Jungkook annoyed ass for the moment and got in Hoseok’s car while everyone was arranging themselves in both cars.

Why did you guys wanted to go to the after party? It was a great question right now. Each one of your friends seemed to be making the same question because how much of a flop it was. Taehyung being Taehyung arrived making himself known by screaming “THE PARTY HAS ARRIVED���, but all the up-tight people seemed to avoid this scene.

After that, all of you splitted up to find what to do as Namjoon was with the producer.

“Why are we here again?” Jimin seemed annoyed at all the old ladies who wanted to hit on him. They were all around him, trying to bribe him to spend time with them but it was no use.

“I really don’t know,” Hoseok replied, “we wanted to make a good impression with them but they seem out of it and too old to party. It’s 11 o’clock for fuck’s sake.”

“Let’s get drunk on their expensive alcohol while we analyze which lady is going to take Jimin for the night.” Taehyung concluded as  Jimin started punching his shoulder but they indeed went to grab some drinks.

The party was boring to say the least, and even Namjoon who seemed the most anxious to come to the penthouse wanted to go already. He just took a couple shots with the producer and made an excuse to go early. The man in question didn’t make reaction at that whatsoever, seemingly in a trance with all the drugs and alcohol he took.

Jin and you were kicking it off, he was talking with your friend like he knew them for a long time, they seemed in a trance with such a good looking man talking… not blaming anyone. All of the sudden, the guys joined your little circle.

“So Y/N, are you going to take me now? I’m willing to be your victim for the night baby!” Taehyung had to be his usual beautiful clueless self, Jin just looked over at you wondering what would you respond to that.

“I’m not feeling it tonight… I wanna relax for today” pointing at Jin with your eyes and wishing he would get the message.

“What? Are you sick or something?” he stared at you with worried eyes but you answered right away, “I want to spend time with Jin here.”

Looking from you and Jin, he got it, surprised that someone could get you to say that instead of a snarky remark was surprising to say the least. “This night is too weird…”

At Jennie’s side of the “circle” you all created, there was Jungkook with his girl and she could notice how his behavior got worse from just some hours ago at your apartment.

“Hey Kook,” she interrupted what seemed to be an almost kiss between them but she didn’t care, “are you feeling alright? You seem out of it.”

“Kind of, I wanna go home already,” looking back and smirking at nameless girl, “I’m just tired from work.”

She knew something else was up with his mood, but she didn’t want to push it over. After a couple more shots and meaningless talk, everyone was having a seemingly good time, getting to know the new additions of the group and making plans for other days. Jungkook was just clueless on how the girl wanted to take part of the plans and didn’t knew how to explain to her  she wasn’t even invited to them.

As minutes went by, more cougars were trying to get Jimin to talk to them, but it was useless. Jennie being the protective type, she just shooed them off by taking his arm. His grateful expression was so adorable. Everyone else was getting more bored by the ambiance of the place and finally Namjoon suggested to go home.

“Finally!” As on cue, everyone diverted gazes back to Jungkook, assuming it was the fact that he was the designated driver for the night took a toll on him, everyone ignored his statement and went directly to the exit.

Meanwhile everyone was sorting out how to settle in the cars, Jin and you were staying behind deciding where to go next, “Wanna go to a bar? It’s near my house.”

“Sure, just let me tell everyone we are going to go somewhere else.” As you were heading towards your friends who were whispering among themselves, the little snickers as you were approaching were obvious.

“Lover boy and you going somewhere?” Danielle said, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Yes we are,” returning the gesture back at her, “but just a couple more drinks and talk a little more.”

“More?” Hoseok said, “I couldn’t talk that much with you baby boo,” doing a fake pout, he went for a hug and whispered to your ear, “I’m glad you two are getting along.”  

Letting a giggle escape as you separated yourself from the hug, “See you guys later!”

While turning around, you came face to face with Jungkook, who said, “Got your keys? I’m going to be busy and I don’t want to get interrupted.” As he said it, the girl perked up at his statement, almost in a triumphant way that you couldn’t understand.

“Don’t worry about it, she is going to be safe.” You heard Jin approach you both, taking your waist between his arm, “I already called a cab.” he said smiling at you.

“Thanks,” smiling back and turning to Jungkook’s way, “and really don’t worry, I’ve got my keys.” You said, trying to calm his demeanor at the moment.

“Alright then.” Turning around without looking back, “Let’s go everyone!”

His words seemed to take them out of the trance they all were in, watching what was taking place in front of them, him and you didn’t stay mad for long and that was a well known fact. So this scene was weird, it wasn’t a confrontation per se but the vibe was just different.

As all of them got in the cars, you said your goodbyes and waited for the cab with Jin. “Is riding cabs going to be our thing?” he mentioned.

“Only if we don’t scar the taxi driver like last time…”

“Stop right there, you dirty minded woman,” he smirked at your devilish expression, “we are just going to talk and get to know each other, okay?” Grabbing your hand, as the cab was approaching, you giggled and wondered if what he said was going to be true. He continued his semi-speech, “You don’t want to corrupt this innocent boy.”

Laughing at that, you added, “Oh my god, just shut up and get in, before you say something weird.”

“As you wish.” he said smiling.

Meanwhile, Jungkook finished dropping Jennie and Taehyung off, and took nameless girl back to the apartment. To say the entrance wasn’t graceful was an understatement. The said girl jumped on him, literally, trying to attack his lips.

As he struggled to open the door, she was taking his jacket off, “I’m going to eat you alive…” She whispered to his ear. Was she trying to sound sexy? Or was she threatening him? After succeeding in opening the door, they stumbled with the shoes that were right in front of it.

“Come on!” she started to take his belt off, “Take my clothes off.” She said with a whiney voice.

He did as he was told, he was a good trooper and wouldn’t back down. As he was taking her dress off, she was making weird faces. Jungkook didn’t know if it was out of real pleasure or just wanting to be seductive and failing.

After taking it off, he swung her into his shoulders to get to the bedroom already. When they entered, she began to smack his ass. He hated it.

He threw her into the bed without any hint of chivalry, but he guessed it was her style of treatment as she was smiling ear to ear.

“Lemme put on a show for you, baby boy.”

Did he ever mentioned to anyone how that nickname turned him off? She was checking every box of his pet peeves and he wanted to rush to end this.

She stood up and started parading herself, as he was sitting at the edge of the bed, he didn’t knew what to do in this scenario. Was he supposed to be turned on? He enjoyed foreplay but this wasn’t his thing. While taking her thong off, she approached him and getting on his lap, trying to rub her entrance into his groin.

“Enjoying yourself baby?”

No. But he just nodded yes and kissed her to shut her up. He just wanted to fuck and end this.

All of the sudden, when she started to rub her now uncovered breasts into his exposed chest thanks to her, he perceived a familiar scent but he couldn’t picture from who at the spot. She continued her ministrations while he was taking his pants off, he was getting impatient, so he lifted her up and laid her on the bed.

Squealing like a little girl, she got comfortable, Jungkook proceeded to put her legs in his shoulders and giving little kisses in her inner thighs to get her more worked up. It seemed like it was working because Suzy? was being more loud than before. Going straight to her clit and massaging her outer lips with his fingers. He began giving little kittish licks to the nub and making her squirm under his touch.

While still working on her, he took his boxers off and began pumping himself, trying to get in the mood as well. This Suzy girl was grabbing his hair and making more guttural noises. Knowing full well she was already losing it, but something was a little off about all of this. His mind was on another place, the smell she emitted from before sparked something in him, it reminded him when you get ready to go out and spray yourself with your perfume.

Wait… he shouldn’t be thinking about you when he is eating some girl. Scared of what he was just remembering, he sped up his tongue pace plus adding a few fingers inside of her and getting an instant reaction. An exaggerated porn star esque one, which was another point in his pet peeves in bed, nevertheless he continued and wanted to get her to cum fast.

Suddenly, she started to squirm and demanded him to move by grabbing his face signalling to switch places. “I wanna to return the favor.” she said with a sly smirk.

He did as we was told, getting in the same position she was in before, his back facing the bed and trying his best to set his mind into getting his dick hard. He has never had this problem but there is always a first.

“Aww my baby needs help with little Jungkook?” Little Jungkook? Seriously? Either way he just nodded and added in a whiney voice, “Help me, please.” He guessed if he kept up with her ways, it would be easier to get it up.

It seemed this simple request along with the effect on his voice stirred up something because the grip she got on his shaft was strong enough to make him whimper, “That’s right baby boy, make momma proud.” Taking a long lick from the base to the head, proceeding to take him whole and surprising him. If she stayed like that, bobbing her head without talking, it might get hard. To help this, he started to imagine whatever turns him on, long stockings, ropes, cumming into a girl’s ass, you coming out of the bathroom with your hair wet and the sweater you borrowed from him…

He became agitated at that and got up, making her gag and it seemed that she liked that, so she kept on gagging herself with his dick. He was almost cumming but he stopped her, making her confused. “I don’t think I can last much longer… mommy.” He doubted for a second to say that, but he wanted to get the image of you fast.

Suzy straddled him with her legs, grabbing his dick and positioned it into her entrance, “How much do you want this baby?” Did he had to beg for this? Sighing he proceeded to answer her, “Yes mommy, put it in.”

He didn’t knew if his voice tone was convincing until she sat on him really hard, and started going up and down fast. “YEEES! IT’S SO BIG!” She literally just started, how was she so into it already? Either way, he began to thrust upwards to finish himself off quickly because by the looks of it, she won’t last long.

“Oh god… Jungkook” She got close to his neck and started to give him little kisses along his jawline, getting the scent so close again put him into overdrive. Grabbing her by her waist, he switched their position by now putting her back into the mattress and thrusting more faster into her. “Go harder! Slap me!” She grabbed his hand and it landed in her right cheek, this didn’t help him get more turned on but he was a pleaser, and started to go harder without slapping her because that wasn’t his thing.

After a couple more thrusts, they both came hard and he slowly pulled his dick out of her, proud not to call out a certain name. “That was great and all… but, I don’t do cuddling babe.”

After a couple hours, you came back to your apartment safe and sound thanks to Jin. The both of you drank a little too much, but you were content with just spending time together. Getting to know his struggles and desires was refreshing to say the least, plus you were glad to not have to be worried to get some guy out of your house by the next morning. He heard you as well, with all of your tales of how much work you have or how annoying your co-workers can get.

Taking you keys out, all of the sudden the door was opened, “What the fuck?” The girl Jungkook was with at the bar, now was staring right at you. “Are you looking for that asshole?” you were about to answer but she just went ahead and stormed off.

Entering your apartment, you saw Jungkook in the living room with only his boxers on. Seeing how distressed he looked, you almost didn’t noticed how much of a mess the furniture was, some upside down and some broken, it was going to be hell having to replace some of the stuff. “Man… what happened?”

“She started to go ballistic on me because I said I don’t cuddle…”

Baffled, you responded. “And she was that petty to be doing this to a stranger’s house?”

“I know right?” sighing, he continued, “I just wanted her out of the apartment, she was so unrealistic with whatever she said and did while fucking.”

“That’s what you get for hooking up with the first girl you saw today,” removing your shoes and walking carefully to your room, you added, “should have looked deeper.”

Something in him stirred up with anger, somehow it seemed you were mocking him. “Oh well, sorry for not changing over night for a dick you just fucked once!” he said, laughing to himself.

“What did you just said?” You didn’t expect this behaviour, you thought that after a good fuck and not talk for a little while would help his attitude towards you. It seemed like the opposite.

“You heard me.” Walking straight to his room, he heard you said, “I don’t have time for this nonsense…”

It was such a good day that you didn’t want Jungkook’s pettiness over something so trivial as not wanting to fuck for just one night ruin your sleep. So, you went ahead and started to take everything off and wipe off your makeup. After finishing up, you got in your bed with a heavy feeling

Who you were kidding? It was a weird long day and to have someone so close to you being mad… was just rough and tiresome. Closing your eyes, you decided to brush it off for now.

[avoresmith]

au where anyone other than atsushi is the main character, go

Kyouka

Kyouka is the most obvious option here, as her character arc literally follows Atsushi’s beat by beat and does it better because she gets to be seen having actual flaws and conflict while Atsushi’s point in life is just to Be Very Good. 

She’s an orphan who was beat down badly by the universe and needs to make peace with her Gift and how it’s uncontrolled presence in her life has played a huge part in all of the painful garbage she’s had to deal with. She has to learn to not just value her own life (Atsushi) but learn to believe she is capable of using the same abilities she used to kill to help people and that there is value to that (Dazai). She has a connection to Akutagawa, a better one than Atsushi, who just thinks that guy is a dangerous asshole, as Akutagawa fucked her up by trying to 'help’ her the same way Dazai 'helped’ him (which echoes the fact that Dazai fucked up Akutagawa by trying to teach Akutagawa the way he was taught by Mori). This creates a way more dynamic and interesting victims vs their abusers and cycle of violence story that they were TRYING to do with Atsushi and his abuser that falls completely flat, on account of how that guy wasn’t actually a character and we are just told we’re supposed to sympathize with him because ‘life is complicated’ instead of actually shown the ways in which life is fucking complicated. 

This would also allow for a narrative of victims vs their abusers where ACTUALLY HAVE, A VICTIM, CHALLENGING THEIR ABUSER AND DEMANDING THEY DO BETTER instead of what we currently have which is 1) Dazai flees Mori and hates him (legit) 2) Akutagawa seeks Dazai’s acknowledgement forever (no?? buddy) 3) Atsushi cries when his abuser died trying to maybe be nice to him for once finally =‘( (ohmygod).

Also, while Dazai and Atsushi mean... something?? to each other, it’s practically only relevant in Atsushi’s arc as something to yell at Akutagawa about, and while we can Assume Dazai Has Feelings we basically never see Dazai impacted by Atsushi. However, if it was Dazai who stops Kyouka from killing herself and takes her out of the mafia we have Dazai directly engaging with his perspective on suicide, and saving someone from the mafia in a way he was never saved, and this leads into him Also Engaging With All Of That, which then could be a continuing theme within their relationship.

(And I didn’t Go In This Direction because my central argument is that Kyouka already does everything Atsushi is doing if better and if given more focus could dramatically improve the manga, but also her relationship with Kouyou could also be given more prominence, and then holy shit, we’d have two important ladies instead of just one!)

In this AU Atsushi honestly doesn’t even need to exist. Kyouka could make friends with Kenji instead, and they could have adorable hyjinks where Kenji teaches her how to be polite to people and then they both get way too extra if politeness fails. 

(MORE UNDER THE CUT)

Akutagawa

This would probably have to be a darker manga, or Akutagawa would have to be less garbage, but as one of the only characters with multiple interesting relationships he is kind of a natural point to focus around. He has Gin, Higuchi, Kyouka, (thREE WOMEN) and Dazai as far as relationships that already important, and Chuuya and Mori and Kouyou are all characters that could be explored more if the manga was more mafia focused. While the mafia aren’t actually villains anyway, this change would make them more sympathetic, but Akutagawa would still be a really interesting MC, and this would fix the fact that Atsushi is only interesting around Akutagawa. 

Unlike Atsushi, Akutagawa has clear wants, motivations, and character progression, so Atsushi makes a lot more sense as Akutagawa’s rival character than the reverse. Boy with garbage life collides into the boy his master replaced him with, only to constantly seethe with anger that this asshole was so fucking lucky. Eventually discovers that his rival’s life actually wasn’t that easy but still can’t comprehend why his rival doesn’t appreciate what he has enough, or why this prick is worth more to his master than he was. Cue a compelling dynamic of Akutagawa improving himself relentlessly while not fully understanding what path he is on, but desperate to get out of the trashfire of his life. He thinks this means earning Dazai’s approval but in fact it means learning he doesn’t need to be a terrible human being to survive.

This would make Dazai far LESS sympathetic, but Dazai sucks so that is only fair.

Dazai

Okay, I won’t lie, Dazai would a SUPER CHALLENGING perspective character for a manga. What makes Dazai’s writing so amazing is how deftly he handles the unreliable narrator, which is hard to do when we don’t actually see the world via the MC’s perspective. And while I am happy to rag on BSD all the live long day, I do think one if it’s strengths is that it picked up on what an interesting character Dazai-types would be viewed exclusively from the outside, and has managed to portray that sort of peculiar contradiction of personality traits quite well. 

HOWEVER, despite being the most popular character, we never really get to see Dazai having a character arc. We know he has improved, we know he has wants and is actually probably working very hard to get his life in order, but we only know any of that from the end of the light novel to the start of the manga. We don’t actually get to see Dazai having conflict, confronting his fears, making hard choices, and growing as a person. 

However, while we never really see it in the manga, given what we know about Dazai’s history, we can probably assume that the choices Dazai makes to help Atsushi is something that actually impacts Dazai quite a bit. The last time he put himself in this position the result was Akutagawa; a challenge which Dazai completely failed on many levels, even if the result was technically a very loyal and capable mafioso and thus something Mori would have slated as a win. Dazai engaging with what it means to teach a human without himself knowing how to be a good human, and probably in the process also learning about ‘goodness’ via someone like Atsushi who is naturally inclined toward the heroic, would actually give Atsushi an interesting place the narrative. 

This would make Dazai waaaaaay more sympathetic, as we would also presumably see him struggling to adapt to ADA life, see his masks slip more often, and more signs of the fact that for real these last two years of being around decent human beings from 9 to 5 is probably the first time in his life he’s dealt with such people. We’d also get to see that he’s probably still depressed, drunk, and suicidal, but may be able to chart the ways he gradually becomes less so and what prompts those improvements. 

Kenji

Kenji is also a nice boy who wants to talk it out but then will beat the shit out of you if that attempt fails. What if instead of being a 2D one time gag character he actually had a motivation and a character arc to engage with? He could more or less follow the same story beats Atsushi sets up, just done better and with less redundancy. Kenji would make an interesting foil for Akutagawa since by all appearances his life wasn’t garbage, and his ceaseless tone deaf optimism in the face of Akutagawa’s ceaseless tone deaf fury would be, if nothing else, pretty fucking entertaining. 

Kunikida

wOW ANOTHER HEROIC CHARACTER WHO USES VIOLENCE TO RESOLVE CONFLICT. IT’S LIKE THERE ARE A BUNCH OF THESE. What if Kunikida being Dazai’s partner was at all narratively relevant and they had a dynamic that went deeper than Dazai aggravating Kunikida for the lulz and Kunikida being willing to trust Dazai when the chips are down.

Since Kunikida is slated to be the next leader of the ADA he makes a potentially compelling choice as a protagonist, as it would be an easy way to involve all of the (MANY) under appreciated ADA characters, by having their future boss learn what it means to actually work with and appreciate the backgrounds of his various future underlings. It wouldn’t need to be slated specifically as ‘Kunikida Is The Heir’ but given that it’s a shounen manga it could be effortlessly set up that way, and unlike Atsushi, Kunikida has a LOT of obvious flaws. He is naive, inflexible, emotionally vulnerable, distrustful, impatient, judgmental, and gullible. He also has CLEAR WANTS (Idealism) seeing him struggling for something fundementally unattainable and the ways he learns to update his ideal of idealism, in part by overcoming his individual flaws and in part by realizing that while idealism might be worth seeking it cannot be achieved. He would have a lot to learn from every member of the team, and in doing so could give them more importance to the story.

Yosano

you waNNA KNOW WHO IS GREAT AND DEEPLY UNDER APPRECIATED?? YOSANO. IT’S YOSANO. AU where actually Yosano is the main character. If you need a more compelling argument than that IDK what to say to you.

Tanizaki

What if Tankizaki had a narrative purpose other than gag and deus ex ability.

Mishima

AU where Mishima Yukio is in the manga, he’s an ex-government worker who was fired for being a bit too radical but he deeply respects and is super gay for Fukuzawa’s aesthetic and agrees to join the ADA. Rather than being Dazai’s protege he fancies himself Dazai’s rival and is intent to expose what garbage he is but the joke is on him because everyone knows that including Dazai. 

None the less, Mishima also is a more callous and aloof person who wears a friendly mask and via picking at Dazai he picks at himself. The more fixated he gets on exposing Dazai, the more he has to confront the fact that the world is more complicated than he wants it to be and it frightens him to examine the degree to which he doesn’t feel he actually belongs among society and thus tries very hard to construct a place for himself in it with his radical behavior and exacting standards, whereas Dazai accepts that he just should go in the trash. 

Dazai, in response, really doesn’t like being picked at effectively. Everyone else within the ADA accepts the masks he wears without question, never actually confronting his suicidal ideation or talking to him about where he comes from, even once they know about it. Mishima, in his relentless pursuit of being able to classify and deconstruct Dazai to overcome him, does just this, and frankly it sucks a lot for Dazai because Mishima would be the first person to A) learn the grueling details of his past and B) understand how fucked up that is for someone like Dazai who is only hiding his sensitivity and C) still look him in the eye and tell him to get his shit together. Mishima becomes the first person since Odasaku who actually understands Dazai but this time it is the worst because Mishima is mean. 

Dazai counters by ruining Mishima’s life in the most extraordinarily petty ways as frequently as possible.

Atsushi

ALTERNATIVELY. Atsushi actually is a good protagonist.

HERE IS AN EXERCISE, WHAT DO EACH OF THESE SHOUNEN HEROES WANT AND HOW DO WE KNOW?

Edward Elric: wants the philosopher’s stone, will do basically anything for it, we find this out in chapter 1.

Gon Freaks: Wants to find his dad, chapter 1

Luffy: Wants to find his dad, chapter 1

Allen Walker: wants to save everyone from akuma because dad feels, chapter, idk, like 3

Naruto: Wants the acknowledgement of his village, works tirelessly for it. We find this out in like chapter 1. (yeah I know naruto is bad don’t @ me but look the MC had a clear motivation)

(AV have you read any shounen manga since 2001-- nO)

Atsushi: Wants... uh. To not starve??? This need is met in chapter 1. Wants to... be.. a good employee...? Wants to beat Akutagawa because... he’s bad....??? Wants to... make Dazai proud...?

It’s not impossible to write a story with a MC who isn’t clearly motivated, but it’s a fuckload harder to make it compelling and you prrrroobably need to have some other kind of clear focus to replace the fact that your MC does not. IE if you are specially exploring the story of an unmotivated hero, you frame his actions around the fact that he is really just doing things by route and how this separates him from the people around him who actually have priorities in their life. 

Or, if you want to be like ‘Atsushi’s motivation is that he cares and wants to help!’ LOOK: If they are sO HEROIC that they just nEED TO BE THE HERO ALL THE TIME (Allen Walker) either because they lack self worth (Allen Walker) or are so empathetic that they can’t help but try to save everyone (Allen Walker), you narratively frame the story around them so that it highlights this as both a strength and a weakness of their character. The inability to save everyone vs feeling like your life only has value if you can save everyone is deeply fucked up and should haunt your MC.

The manga starts to slightly course correct Atsushi after waaay too many chapters, which is why he starts having an actually interesting dynamic with Akutagawa. But now he wants to ‘overcome his abuser’, and though this itself is extremely unclear as to what it means. I suspect it means ‘continue to do the exact same shit he’s being doing until he believes in himself’ whichhhhh is boring. It could work if the framing is consistent and Atsushi begins to have actual conflict with his own behavior and the way he treats his life as disposable and his suffering as unimportant. 

He could also use some flaws, which, again, we only see signs off later in the game with his Akutagawa relationship. Atsushi can be forgiven for not realizing that Dazai was horrible to Akutagawa, since neither Dazai nor Akutagawa will ever explain that, but he is still pretty shitty to Akutagawa deliberately! And it’s nice seeing him be a little prick.

If everything that is happening now with Atsushi had happened from the beginning, you know how you are supposed to start a shounen manga with the protagonist actually doing anything interesting or important, the manga would be much less bad. If Atsushi had more than like 1.5 flaws and a .75 motivation now, the manga would also be a lot better.

I don’t actually like this idea as much as all of my other ones, but if he MUST be the MC, what if he was actually good at it at all.

[interviewtion]

Niku Gutfuck Interviewtion

In this interview I talked to Texas-based musician Niku Gutfuck about the role of ambient music as a healing tool, the inspirations for their new EP, and the process of focusing on addressing mental health.  Q: You’re extremely honest and outspoken about your struggles with mental health. How have those struggles informed and inspired the music you make, especially on this new EP?

A: I've had these issues for a long time but never bothered to talk about them. I never really knew how to. That said, I didn't know how to make art about them either. I didn't even know I had bipolar disorder or OCD until I was diagnosed this year. It all made sense after I was diagnosed, but finding out I just...gave up. I stopped caring. I skipped class, I never went outside, I avoided other people. I just kinda existed. 

Relating this to the EP, someone very dear to me who had been a very big part of my life for about two years tried desperately to help me. They tried their best, but the issue is I didn't. I instead, pulled the stupid pity party card multiple times and found myself being like "well, this is just life. Whatever," rather than growing the fuck up and taking the initiative to make things in my life better. Suffering took zero effort. That's why I decided to just be miserable. Eventually, these issues of mine took control. 

I said things I didn't mean and acted in ways I never thought I would, all to this person that has always been there for me. I hurt them badly. We ended up going our separate ways. I didn't realize how much their company meant to me and how much I had taken them for granted until they were gone. It was too late. I grew the fuck up too late. I did everything too late. 

I found myself remembering that this person always told me that I was one of the few people who truly cared about them. That I was always there for them. That I was very important to them. And in return I gave them a big "fuck you" without even realizing it because I was so clouded by my own self loathing and selfishness. It fucked me up. I considered this person family, and honestly still do. But because of me they are gone. It pains me more than I could ever explain. 

This EP is about that. It's about me grieving over losing this person. How much I miss them. How sorry I am. How I decided to start self harming because I couldn't live with myself. How I became even more of a shut in because of my actions. And finally, realizing that I need to change. 

It's entirely ambient because I feel like droney ambient music is best at giving off intended emotions. Ambient music is very personal, I feel like lots of people don't realize that. The message behind the EP is "look into yourself, see if your problems are becoming you, and change it before it comes at a price that you would have no choice to pay." 

I don't want my listeners to be like me, I want them to learn from me. I don't see myself as a role model. I see myself  as a colossal fuck up that's trying to change their ways and NOT be a colossal fuck up. I care so much about all of my supporters and their well being. To be honest, I want to make that person proud despite everything. I hope I am. Take your mental health seriously. You don't want to find comfort in your problems. That's a path that leads to a very dark place.

Q: In your essay on your latest release you talk a little bit about Tamakichi Anaru, so how has his visual work inspired your own music? A: Snuff films used to really interest me in the sense that I never really got what motivated people to do such acts. Anaru-san's work is very very violent and, to be blunt, fucked up in nature ranging from the most heinous acts of violence to straight up gore porn. I find Anaru-san's work to be in a sense some of the most human shit. To explain, we're fucked up. 

I have a writer friend named Noah, who once told me that he believes that humans are naturally born evil. Though it isn't as black and white as that, there is some truth to the statement. The human race in general is just fucked up. We spread the message of loving each other through media outlets or to strangers passing by, yet we hurt each other every single day. Slavery, genocide, war, oppression, even things that are on a smaller scale like bullying. This is the shit we do to each other. We make each other miserable. 

I feel like, in a way, Anaru-san's work is a manifestation of that. It's fucked up, and in no way do I condone any of it, but at the end of the day all of us have the potential to be fucked up. Some people just choose to hide it behind a mask. Q: What made you end the Midori Kida project in order to start releasing music as Niku Gutfuck? A: Niku Gutfuck started last year, actually. I was releasing very violent harsh noise music, it was straight up a wall of power electronics. The project initially was started because of my experiences with anger issues and obsessive compulsive disorder. 

It was meant to portray a feeling of anger. As a society, we look down upon anger. Anger is painted in a negative light all the time, people with bad anger issues are often demonized, and looked at as violent people that just want to inflict pain on others. For the longest time, I shamed myself for it because of that. I believe that we shouldn't be judged for our emotions, but for our actions. Anger is human. We tend to think of humanity as whatever the media portrays humanity as. That feeling of being an outcast due to my issues was initially what inspired Niku Gutfuck. 

Midori Kida, however, wasn't at all as deep as that, nor do I think it ever could have been. I was catering. It was me not being myself. It felt like I was making music under someone else’s project. That's a very harmful way to look at doing something you like to do, but it's the truth. I didn't realize just how personal Niku Gutfuck was until very recently, so I decided to keep the name and take the project to new places, while still keeping the themes that were personally significant to me.

Q: How did you choose the name Niku Gutfuck for this project? Are you worried at all that a name like that might turn some people away from listening to the music? A: Originally I just picked it because it sounded violent and angry enough for the context of the music, but after I got tired and upset with Midori Kida, I realized I had some personal connections to it. Like I said, Anaru-san's films depict the ugly fucked up side of humans that we like to pretend doesn't exist. Well, one has to be ridiculously fucked in the head to commit such heinous acts of violence upon another person. To me, it's giving in to your mental health problems. Letting them take control and change you. You're no longer yourself, you're your problems wearing your skin and passing off as you. It makes you harm people, break others, destroy them because your mental health problems grabbed you by the collar and you didn't have the willpower to force them to put you down. Just like I did to my best friend. 

Like I said before, I want to make music so people learn from my mistakes, I don't want people to be like me, I want people to LEARN from me. Mental health problems can be fixed with time, willpower, and effort. It takes courage. Something I lacked. And in turn I hurt someone who was very important to me. Niku Gutfuck is supposed to symbolize that. Not even being yourself anymore. Becoming a costume that your paranoia wears to look like you. 

I was worried about the name at first, and in a way I still am, but the more I thought about the personal aspects the more I felt like I had to. I'm so obsessed with people being happy honestly. Happiness is the best thing in the world in my opinion. Just seeing someone, anyone, happy makes me emotional and happy too. But while that's something I wanna do with my art, at the end of the day I need to do this for myself too. I do this for other people, but I also do it for me. Art is the only method of self expression that I have. I want to make things for people who need it, but how can I expect my art to help others if it can't even help me first?

Q: What is the appeal of ambient music for you? A: My friend Warren (he makes music as Foxes in Fiction) once described ambient music as "audio xanax". I think that's very accurate. To me, ambient music is the epitome of emotion. A lot of ambient and drone-y experimental music doesn't have a ton going on, and I normally see that as a common complaint with the genre. I, however, think that is fine. There is this science where certain frequencies and tones can make people feel certain emotions. Music can be healing. That inspires me a lot. 

Ambient music is a genre I always find myself going back to, especially when things start to become overbearing. You don't have to worry about any drastic changes, it's pretty much just music to remember things to. I enjoy that. I'm a very sentimental and sensitive person, so I remember things in my life a lot. Good and bad. Ambient music tends to be my soundtrack for that.

Q: Who are some of your personal favorite ambient/drone/noise artists? Do you have three albums in those genres you would recommend to people who aren’t familiar with them? A: An artist that has always been there for me is Yuko Imada. In fact, Yuko Imada's "Untitled (Moon)" was pretty much 99% of the inspiration for Everything is Gone. On Seeing has been my favorite song for years, I listen to it when insomnia keeps me up. I Am A Lake of Burning Orchids has also inspired me a ton as well. I also can't go without mentioning Watashi no Koko and Apollo Knives. Since I have quite a few influences for this album, I decided to give five recommendations instead of three, simply because there are a lot I recommend. Yuko Imada - Untitled (Moon) I Am A Lake of Burning Orchids - Summer in My Veins Apollo Knives - The Harshest Winter Watashi no Koko - まごころを君に Nobuto Suda - Modest Calm I also want to point out that the Yume Nikki and .flow soundtracks are fucking fantastic. They inspire me a lot, both of those games are so dear to me.

I really wanna talk about some of the other artists that inspire the album I am working on. Not ambient artists, but I really feel like I should point them out because of how much they all mean to me. 

One of my biggest influences is Halsey. She's honestly one of my favorite artists of all time. Her music is so important to me and she's somebody I really really look up to and view as a hero. Her lyrics hit very very close to home to me, I relate so much to them. Reading interviews with her and seeing that she also deals with bipolar disorder makes me feel like I'm not alone. I usually feel like I'm an outcast because of my BPD. Like I shouldn't have anybody close to me and I should remain in solitude cause I'll just end up hurting them by accident. She showed me that my mental health doesn't have to define me. She influences me in so many different ways, in my opinion all of her music is perfect. I honestly can't stress enough how vital Halsey is to me and how much I look up to her haha. 

I feel the exact same way about Meishi Smile. Meishi Smile has been one of my favorite music projects for so so long. The amount of raw emotion in the music is so breathtakingly beautiful to me, I've viewed Garrett Yim as a hero since I was a Junior in high school. I've always been obsessed with his countless projects (nono., and the previously mentioned Yuko Imada) and honestly he is one of the reasons I ever started making music in the first place. 

Meishi Smile and Halsey both make me feel like somebody gets it. Every day I wake up and feel like I am inhuman. Like, my mental shit makes me some monster that deserves to have nobody. They show me otherwise. I wanna do that for somebody at the end of the day. Show someone that they are not alone.

On another note, I am also very inspired by J-Pop. I really love the works of Yasutaka Nakata, whether it be Perfume, Capsule, or Kyary Pamyu Pamyu (the queen haha). J-Pop just has this sound to it that really makes me gravitate towards it. It sounds very happy on the surface, but if you look deeper it's a very dark genre, a good example being Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's music video for Kira Kira Killer (one of my personal favorite Kyary songs) exploring themes of death. 

Tyler the Creator is also a colossal influence on me, he's helped me a lot when it came to dealing with my anger issues and shit. And of course I am also very inspired by Porter Robinson and Madeon, they are also heroes to me. Also, anime haha. Stuff like Danganronpa, Anohana, and Madoka Magica fill me with this weird urge to recreate how those franchises make me feel and how they sound to me. 

But I get most of my creative inspiration from my personal experiences. I do lots of venting through art. All of the upcoming album is me doing that. Venting.  I have a lot of emotional scars and have so many regrets. This new album is so personal. One song is about how in my state of feeling torn up over what I've done I turned to drugs as a coping mechanism and ended up having this mental breakdown after getting super fucking high. Another is about my dependency issues with self harm and how I've become addicted to cutting and burning myself. It feels weird, honestly. Makes me feel kinda naked, you know? At the same time it feels so good putting feeling into my music. Letting out all my regrets, grudges, and anxieties into a tangible form just feels...good. It's something I wish I've always done rather than make music I'm not proud of. I'm hoping I find myself while making this album.

Q: It seems like video games are an important component of your life, so do you ever see yourself soundtracking a game? A: I've actually thought of this quite a bit. I'd love to in all honesty. I'd soundtrack any game really, but I'd really love to make the ost to a Yume Nikki fangame. Yume Nikki is such an important game, it's amazing that Kikiyama was able to create such a dedicated fanbase over a simple little RPG Maker game. I still visit Uboachan, though not too frequently. 

I first got introduced to video games in the Gamecube/Game Boy era, so growing up games like Pokemon Silver, Sonic Adventure (both of them), Super Mario Sunshine, and my favorite game of all time Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess took up all my time. I remember maxing out the ingame clock in Twilight Princess haha. From there I graduated to PC gaming, and now the game I've been playing the most of is Overwatch. I'm pretty garbage at it but competitive has been helping me get better. I'd also like to point out while we're on the topic of video games how much Danganronpa means to me. It's one of my favorite games and makes me hella emotional. There's a song on my new album about it haha. Q: What do you have planned for the future of this project? A: I have a new album coming out at some point that’s named Stay. Niku Gutfuck is split into two different styles: The ambient, droney harsh noise side such as Everything is Gone, and a very J-Pop inspired electronic music side. The topic of Everything is Gone is gonna be elaborated on in a few songs, as well as other topics I want to get off my chest. I am not sure when this is coming out, where I will release it, or if I will fuck with any labels at all, I am just trying to get my emotions out in audio form as of right now. I'm ultimately trying to improve as a producer and musician as much as I can, music production is honestly something that I just adore fucking with and I can't see myself stopping no matter how discouraged I get. 

There's this fire in me that won't let me stop, and I am so glad it's there cause it keeps me going. I'm trying to find an artist to work with to make the album cover, especially since I love working with visual artists. The feeling of two artistic minds that focus on different art forms coming together to create something is so inspiring to me and one of my favorite things about making music.

Be sure to follow Niku Gutfuck on Twitter to keep up to date! 

[todokori-kun]

Ack

 that sounds horrible, getting sick is the worst ;-; get as much rest as you can! I really hope you get better soon<3

(omg the pics are GORGEOUS. Like, Wow. Once I’m done writing this message I’m probably going to go back to stare at them for like an hour and silently scream over how awesome everything looks)

Don’t worry about it, I admit that Stoki is pretty much a crack ship ^^;;

And, well, the redemption fic I mentioned helped me fall deeper into Stoki hell, but I shipped it even before that XD I think part of it is just because I think they could have a really interesting dynamic- they’re just so different, complete opposites. Steve would confuse Loki so much tbh

Also, I just think that Steve (or at least, post-CW Steve) might be one of the avengers most willing to at least try to understand Loki. Partly because Steve’s just a nice guy, and then because of his relationship with Bucky- ‘cause Steve-Bucky and Thor-Loki are really, really similar and I think Steve would realize that.

And then like I said, Steve cares a lot about other people. If Thor ever told him about everything that happened between him and Loki Steve probably wouldn’t have too much difficulty in starting to see Loki as a human(?) being instead of some one-dimensional fairy tale villain.

Lastly, I feel like Steve is just the best person to handle Loki’s issues. He may not be able to personally relate to a lot of it (Tony, Bruce, maybe Natasha would be better for that) but he can take a step back and think rationally about the situation, help convince Loki that just because the rest of the world sees him as a monster, doesn’t mean he has to be one.

Hopefully this made sense? lol)

yeah, that’s pretty much how I felt about it too. It was just so freaking frustrating OTL

(And yes that letter destoyed my feelings too)

btw, can I ask what you think about T'challa? He doesn’t seem to have that many fans yet but I think he’s really cool and possibly one of the more sensible people in the CW movie (once he stops being furious at Bucky). Also the trailer for his new movie is epic and I can’t wait to see his sister…

Hisoillu is bizarre (sadistic murdery Clown with no sense of fashion + sadistic murdery needle guy with dead fish eyes) but also makes a lot of sense at the same time? Like, Hisoka got away with joking about killing Killua in front of Illumi, so…yeah. They’ve got something special LOL

omg imagine.

‘Satisfied but when you fantasize at night it’s Illumi’s eyes’

'Helpless but look into Illumi’s eyes and the sky’s the limit’

'History has its Eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi’

Why do I want these memes to be a thing

With the new revelation about who Touka was visiting at the hospital, I’m beginning to have my doubts about how this will end…maybe they might actually both survive for now???

But I’m a bit miserable rn because if one of them has to die I’d rather keep Juuzou too but it seems much more likely for Touka to survive. She’s like the main female lead, plus she has Kaneki’s baby…

R.I.P Naki, the sweetest cinnamon roll who just wanted to see his big bro again ;-;

(Also: Wow, way to go Kaneki, you finally started acting like an actual leader (in a way)! But can I just say, what absolutely perfect timing)

WTH I had no idea Soul Eater’s art style developed that much???!!! That’s actually pretty amazing! (And yeah, I know that SE has some pretty complex characters and interesting stories in it :D it’s just still a lot lighter and has different themes from the mangas I usually enjoy ^^ I might try it out though!)

Death The Kid seems really cool! (does he really have OCD in canon, though? Like, I’ve seen a lot of Soul Eater fans talking like he does but idk if it’s actually a thing? Maybe I sound weird but it just seems insensitive to say characters like DTK and Levi have 'OCD’ and talking about it jokingly when it’s actually incredibly difficult and stressful for people who actully have OCD, so I’m not sure how to feel about those fans)

Yay! Gotta go and try to find that fight scene now…

Join me in my suffering. I loved L so much ;-;

(But hey, don’t be too sad (what’s this? Is Evans actually COMFORTING Queen Luna for once instead of rubbing salt in the wound?!)! There’s always the book Death Note: Another Note (The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases)- it’s a prequel to the Death Note manga/anime with L chasing a murderer known as Beyond Birthday (…no comment on that alias). It also shows how he met Naomi Misora which is awesome if you like Naomi (I did, and kinda screamed when Light kiled her))

Eh, I think I’m one of the few people who doesn’t mind it being set in America because what’s the point of making an American adaptation if it’s going to be set in Japan anyway? I also don’t really have a problem with 'white-washing’ for this same reason (though I am disappointed because being Japanese-American would have added an interesting layer to Light’s character; despite fighting for justice, in canon, LIght’s never actually been victimized or discriminated against. He’s a handsome, intelligent young man who appears to be cisgender and heterosexual (even if it’s never confirmed) and is Japanese, just like everyone else around him. Japanese-American Light, on the other hand, would have really experienced how the 'rotten’ world could hurt people, so his acts as Kira might have more personal emotion in them)…like, it’s possible to cast a white actor as Light without it being white-washing, and since they changed the entire setting I think it’s fine to change other things too. Just, I’m cool with anything as long as they portrayed Light’s character properly…BUT THEY DIDN’T SO

I’m really just disappointed that they botched the characters and all the themes of the original Death Note story so badly. Sure, change the setting, change the circumstances, change the plot, changehe designs, but why did you have to take Death Note’s philosophy away?

But, because I might have been a bit too mean:

I will say that the movie LOOKS really good. The visuals are great. The soundtrack seems decent too. Also, though Ryuk’s motivations/role also weren’t done very well, Ryuk’s actor did an amazing job…and while I’m not happy with how L was portrayed in this movie, I do think that the actor they cast for him could have been a good L if not for the bad writing.

Well…from what I know, Light Turner ends up in a hospital at the end of the movie with his One True Love Mia(Misa) dead, so nah. The Keikaku failed.

(which just proves that Light Turner really is nothing like Light Yagami, because Light Yagami’s keikakus never fail.

Until the end of the Death note manga/anime, that is.)

Yeah, I know about SU’s terrible fandom, so I’m not going to actively participate in writing fanfic, drawing fan art or making HCs/theories with other people…I’m just gonna watch the show with my sister and look at pretty fanart XD

Tysm tho!

(Question: Which character do you think you are? And what kind of gem do you think you’d be?)

Aww, I’m so happy my awkward rambling actually made you feel better??? Like. Come on. You have no idea how much our convos helped me with anxiety and stress, so I have to thank you for that too <333

(And seriously, Queen Luna is amazing.)

For most people, they start going to elementary at seven (in international age) as far as I know, and then go to middle school at around thirteen. Then high school at…um…sixteen? Maybe? I’ve never really gone to school here so I might not be 100% correct but it’s something like that ^^;;

I really wanna try Mystic Messenger but since my phone is an old flip phone…I like my phone but sometimes this can be inconvenient LOL

(I’m totally fine with messaging here, but are you really ok with it? 'Cause if you’re not, we can try to work something else out!)

hi im luna and i wanna die.

HNNNNNNNNGH have i ever told you how much i hate school?  because i freaking hate school from the bottom of my heart i can’t feel my neck anymore from the amount of studying ive been doing that’s depressing.

anyway. heartfelt advice: do not fuck your stomach up in any way, because you will suffer if you do. take it from me, i’ve managed to develop this amazing thing called Gastritis and now i cant eat anything without getting the feeling that im gonna throw it back out which is absolutely wonderful. thankfully, i don’t throw up, but it’s freaking annoying and ive lost waay too much weight already. best part? the whole reason why i have it is apparently purely psychological,  too much stress. i got it in the middle of july. HOW my mom is also being INCREDIBLY helpful by basically telling me to ‘get over it’ like i can just snap my fingers and tell myself ‘oh yeah this is only in my head’ and it’ll all pass over. cause that’s how it works.  so is my sister by always laughing at me

oook moving on.

yep, school started and i am suffering. ive already gone through 4 tests and a bunch of oral quizzes. yay. thanks teachers for totally not putting horrible pressure on us from the start.  i stg, one of my most common thoughts these days is ‘see, this is exactly why i have a psychosomatic sickness.’ they’re sending my to a psychologist to see if i can let everything out and maybe get some advice on how to handle things better. i will laugh my ass off if i get diagnosed with a mental disorder. that’d be absolutely hilarious (I am in no way trying to make fun of people with a mental disorder, I’m just saying I honestly wouldn’t even be surprised if they said something like Burnout Syndrome or Depression (im not even joking when I say that I’ve been sleeping pretty much all afternoon + night these days, cry way too often, feel no motivation for anything, feel worthless, no apetite and also occasional suicidal thoughts which is oh so fun (ok but in my defence, the thoughts are really rare, probably caused by the fact that I feel nauseous like 90% of the time, and I would never ever do it, mostly because some people would miss me (I hope). there are moments when I go ‘wouldn’t it be easier to disappear?’ tho))

sorry about that rant

MOVING ON TO HAPPIER THEMES (and proper writing):

Yeah, Norway was truly gorgeous ^^ I don’t think I’ve ever felt more at peace than then. I fell asleep in the car at one point while watching the scenery outside, and it was one of the best sleeps in my life, despite being in the car. I’m glad you enjoyed them ^^ If you want, I can upload random pics like that every once in a whole.

Aaah, that’s pretty good reasoning! It makes a lot more sense now, thanks for explaining! 

Yeah, I kinda see why you’d ship it. Steve is a pretty understanding person and, like you said, would probably understand Loki the best ^^ Recommend me some fics and I might even start shipping it myself ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I LOVE T’CHALLA THANK YOU FOR ASKING YES.  I mean, he angery™, but also freaking cool! Not to mention crazily powerful *^* I’m pretty excited for his movie, cause more badassery from him!

Wow those sound like genuine memes. Seriously why can’t i draw XD

Also HIstory has its eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi will give me nightmares.

GODAMNIT I JUST WANT JUUZOU TO BE HAPPY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?? (apparently yes)

Yep, since I have all the volumes, I like to flip through them sometimes and I’m blown away every time by the development.  I also cosplayed the main character a while ago, so it holds a high sentimental value to me. But it is a lot lighter than your usual reads, true...

Well, uh, it’s kinda hard to explain? I mean, DTK is obsessed with symmetry and will go to crazy lengths to preserve it, get mad if someone disturbs it, will jeopardise missions if he’s not sure if he left something perfectly symmetrically at home etc, but it’s not so much as a mental illness as it is a consequence of who he is (part of the Grim Reaper)? Like i said, it’s really had to explain.

Did you manage to find the fight scene?

My reaction to Death Note in general:  FUCK YOU LIGHT YAGAMI. oooh, I’ll search that manga up!

Well, I’m not so much upset about the whitewashing, more about the fact that I feel like the japanese general ideology plays a big role in why light decided to start killing bad people? Idk how to explain it... 

Oh, Japanese-American Kira would’ve been a really interesting thing to see!

Yay, at least you found some good things? Well, it’s nice that you managed that ^^

Damnit, so it didn’t go according to Keikaku! It’s all because they didn’t include the potato chip scene.

Uuh, i don’t exactly remember much of SU, but I guess I’m most similar to Pearl? I didn’t really sympathise with any characters that much tbh. As for gem. Uuuuuh *quickly googles gem meanings* ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.  I like Zircon because of the colour and alexandrite because it changes colour which is incredibly cool!

Your rambling always makes me feel better tbh. It gives me a looong message from a friend I appreciate incredibly much so, yeah, I always smile when I see a message from you (even though my replies are so slooooooooow)

Aaah, I see! That’s pretty interesting ^^ Quite different from our system.

Ah, shame, you would’ve liked the most recent route, there is so so so much suffering.

Yeah, I am 100% fine!! Don’t worry about it! The reason why I suggested something else is because on sites w an instant messaging system, my replies would probably be a lot quicker,

I AM IN LOVE WITH THE AESTETHICS, ESPECIALLY LIZZY, THAT IS GOALS

and the drawings are adorable ^^ Hide tho ;-;

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #65

“i couldn’t take my eyes off her, but that’s not what i took off that night.”

have you ever wanted to travel to germany?   i have, yes.  if we happen to be blessed with quite a good income, i'd really like to do that once i have children, go on a big family trip to germany.  i'd need to brush up on my german, though! is marijuana legal for "recreational use" where you live? also what is your opinion on the recent legalization of marijuana in certain states?   i don't think it is... but the whole legalization shit is stupid.  you will never convince me that marijuana isn't dangerous.  don't legalize dangerous shit. do you usually have bad symptoms around "that time of the month"?   i'd say i'm luckier than most, now that i've been on the pill.  i get mild cramps, headaches, and i usually break out a bit. how do you feel about being called sweetie/dear/honey/etc.?   i'd have no problem with it.  jason never called me any of those listed though, just "love," which was my favorite anyway. do you have your national flag hanged up anywhere outside your house?   no, we don't. would you ever go to japan?   omg yes!! have you ever been in a choir?
   i was in the church, yes. have you ever had a speech impediment?   i stutter pretty badly. give out your phone number over the internet?    i have to VERY few people. what do people usually think your ethnicity is?   it's pretty obvious i'm caucasian. how do you feel about people using graphic images as a scare tactic to promote their beliefs? (i.e.: peta, abortion…)   do it.  DO IT.  it may be "too much" for someone, but that's how you initiate action, sometimes.  now i mean if you're going to show something ludicrously morbid or something, sure, censor that, please.  some things truly are too much. do you think gender neutral bathrooms are a good idea?   i'm neutral. how about the transgender bathroom business? you know exactly what i'm talking about.   HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TUMBLR WOULD FUCKING CLOSE MY ACCOUNT IF I SAID ONE WORD ABOUT THIS MATTER. what are some of your favorite websites for online shopping?   rebel's market makes me moist. do you think it’s fair that people are able to make a reasonable salary and live comfortable lives just by making youtube videos?   not in the slightest.  they're entertainers.  just like singers, comedians, etc... inspired by an event at my school: why do you think there’s so much girl-on-girl hate in our culture?   because the country's homophobic. do you have a nice yard? if so, do you spend a lot of time outside in it? if not, where do you go when you want to relax outdoors on nice days?   there's nothing special about it.  and there's nowhere for me to relax if i wanna go outside.  we have no chairs outside or whatever. is there a group of friends that you used to hang out with but no longer do? why don’t you hang out anymore and how do you feel about them now?   i'll admit i was a loose "member" of the gothic/emo/scene/metalheads/whatever clique in high school.  because i identified most with them.  like we all sat together at lunch and such.  it was hilarious, actually; overlooking the cafeteria, there'd just be this big splotch of black. xD  i didn't "know" everyone in the group, just names, just select people.  i miss a good number of them.  we just had this... weird, underlying connection that said "hey, you're like me." how many siblings does your significant other or crush have?   he has one older brother. what is the movie that you have waited the longest for/which film do you remember anticipating the most/are still anticipating?   WHERE THE FUCK IS "THE INCREDIBLES II" do you have any ideas for a story or movie you’re planning to write or you’d write if you got the time/had the talent? please share a synopsis!   i had plenty of story ideas as a kid, but none i never fully went through, except one.  i don't feel like sharing, mostly because i barely remember it. what is something that an interested guy/girl could comment about you, that would make you instantly open to them (e.g., “that book you’re reading is from my favorite author”)?   i wouldn't just magically say "OKAY I TRUST YOU," but it would in fact entice me to trust you easier.  probably if you mentioned being a gmm fan. do you refer to yourself by any sort of fan nickname (belieber, little monster, etc.)?   mythical beast, motherfucker! \m/ do you ever just get lazy and give up on your friendships?   no.  if you think you're going to "get lazy" with a friendship, omg, just fuck off. if you are single, even if you are normally happily single, are there certain specific things you witness that make you wish you were in a relationship (e.g., people getting engaged)?   honestly, i constantly wish i was.  that sounds very desperate and... easy-to-get-ish, but i'm not lying about myself on my own blog.  single life is very lonely to me personally.  i think almost every human seeks knowing someone is interested in them in that sense and will always be there. out of all your usernames for websites, which one is your favorite? do you use it for more than one site?   my name almost everywhere is "ozzkat," which i really like, as it combines two of my favorite things. are there any cities near you that you’re afraid to go to because of the crime rate or its other bad reputations?   fuck sharpsburg.  where i grew up. do you grandparents ever judge you or stick their heads in your business? if not, is there someone else in your life you dread seeing because of their unwanted input?   my maternal grandmother is... ugh.  she's very closed-minded about important issues; like she only JUST recently opened up her mind to mental illnesses because of some drama in my family transpiring.  so for a long time, my illnesses were invalid to her.  last time i saw her though, we got along quite well. have you ever spent the whole day (or multiple days) just looking up one thing on the internet (e.g., videos of your favorite band, how-to videos, quizzes, etc.)?   ha ha omg just a few days back i spent all day with colleen and chels looking up tats, pinning all those i wanted on pinterest! if you ever think about getting married, what are some aspects of the wedding that you would like to see in a non-traditional manner (e.g., a different color dress or “partners” over “husband” and “wife”)?   well first, i do not want a church wedding, and i'm sliiightly considering a black dress to go with the gothic theme i'm hoping for. do you ask for other people's opinions often? on what subjects do you like to get the opinions or advice of others?   yes, i love asking for other people's opinions, mainly when i'm about to make a controversial decision.  god bless the few friends i have that've always been there to give me advice when i need it. what are you religious views or your thoughts on religion in general? how long did it take you to develop them? are you still confused or trying to figure out your religious views?   i am a creationist christian, meaning i do not believe in evolution, but natural selection, as they go in opposite directions.  this is a VERY fascinating subject and i'd love to give anyone curious a link to the blog post that instilled this belief in me.  i also believe the world was not created in six literal days, but rather the "days" stood for junctures of time.  i'm not sure which christian denomination that is.  i was raised a catholic, so i've literally always believed in god, but i turned to christianity alone in high school i think, as well as creationism when my former best friend mini exposed me to it.  i am not confused in my religion, no.  i'm quite confident in it. are you a rule follower? do you get angry if other people break the rules? can you remember a time that you have broken a rule?   it depends on the rule, really.  ex. i won't kill a person, but i'll download a song illegally.  all depends on what it is, if i support the rule, or if it's legally punishable, honestly. what songwriter do you consider to be one of the best lyricists?   CRADLE OF FILTH AND OTEP OMG SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY have you ever cried from physical pain?   as an adult?  yeah.  i fucking sobbed when i was getting my cyst emptied. what do you like best about taking surveys? do you use them to discuss current events in your personal life?   i like that they give me a chance to just... vent.  i get to talk about my life, yes, and i at least believe i can do it without being lectured. do you feel comfortable being about people your own age? do you feel like you "fit in" with people your age? in general, do you like spending time with people older or younger than yourself?   i feel... inferior to most people my age, honestly.  i don't think i fit in because i do far more unimpressive things compared to most people of my age group.  i'm not in school, i have no job, i'm not traveling to europe, i'm not married, i'm not raising a kid... i just don't feel like i belong.  simultaneously though, i like hanging out with people older than me because they're usually more mature. have you ever read more than one book at once? do you do this often?   i'm sure i have for school, but i don't do that anymore.  i don't read period. what is your favorite book series, and what is your favorite book out of that series?   ha ha omg i was MAD into the "warriors" (you know, the cat books) series in middle school through some of high school.  maybe even in elementary, i don't remember.  i don't have a favorite book in the series though, i think. who do you think reads these?   *shrugs*  i've seen my surveys taken before by people (easy to tell when everything's lower-cased and long as fuck lmao), so i guess they may read some of my answers while adding in their own.  some random tumblr users find them too, probably. can you change the oil on a car?   i cannot. the first time you discovered power:   ... i don't want to go into much detail on this, because after i thought about this question for a minute or so, i realized i have only ever felt power in a sexual situation.  i'm such a submissive person and just don't experience feeling powerful.  after thinking just now, i think me being such the sexual tease i am has to do with feeling powerful.  this is... really wrong, but i enjoyed the anticipatory knowing that jason wanted me a certain way, and because he's a man with respect, i had the say whether he could have me or not.  please do not confuse this for me saying i was controlling with my ex-boyfriend, i was incredibly submissive to him in general, but i felt in control in some sense.  for once. SCARIEST video game monster?   but... i've played so many horror games!!  uhhhh... well, i HATED the regenerators in "resident evil 4."  that fucking smile was horrifying.  hmmm... i also really hate/love the keeper/boxhead from "the evil within" bECAUSE OF HIS FUCKING WALK/JOG.  THAT thing storming towards you like that?  NO THANKS!  the one monster, however, that i think would frighten me the most in real life would be the clickers from "the last of us."  fuck those things.  they're disgusting and horrid. something someone said or did that you found extremely attractive:   well i mean, tons of things.  the thing that i believe affected me the most though was probably the time jason, in a whisper, called me his wife while we were "doing things."  he started out so afraid of commitment, and to hear him call me that in such a confident-sounding whisper, it meant... a lot.  but well.  he's gone now. something you've done that someone at least seemed to FIND extremely attractive:   lmaaoooo i'm open af on tumblr but the thing i've ever done i think jason found the most attractive, i shall not repeat.  i promise, you'd thank me. the farthest distance you would travel now to be with someone you desire:   for jason?  i'd go to the other end of the planet. what you dislike most about having a committed relationship:   i mean, i guess after you've been with someone so long, you're afraid of leaving the person even when necessary for your health.  if you're in a healthy relationship though, there's nothing i can really think of to complain about... your sexiest feature:   ... can hands be sexy?  because they're the only thing i like lmao the physical feature for which you are most often complimented:   my hair, def. a place where you have always wanted to make love:   ... a church fucking murder me the most perverted situation you have ever been in:   LOLOLOL LET'S NOT the first time you achieved orgasm:   i never have, but i think i got like agonizingly close once and had a panic attack because i didn't understand what was going on.  yes, i am truly that pathetic lmao. a person you regret sleeping with:   no one. a person you regret not sleeping with:   first i don't regret literally sleeping with jason, but i'm assuming in this context, you mean "having sex with."  in that case, jason. a fantastic kisser you have known:   only ever kissed jason, and i am QUITE sure there's no one i'll meet who'll be better.  like ffs he only had one partner before me and certain things he did with me he didn't with his ex, yet he always seemed to know what to do...? the book, song, or movie title that best describes your sexuality:   uhhh.  idk? you have a great amount of guilt regarding:   practically sexting my former best friend's boyfriend when i was like 12.  and i was the one who got them together. a moment in your life when your emotions froze and you felt absolutely nothing:   when jason told me he was talking to dillon about our relationship in a negative context... i knew. you are haunted by the memory of:   everyone knows by now. one of your most peaceful moments:   lying with jason on the trampoline, looking up at the stars... a sickness or disease you fear:   more than anything?  alzheimer's/dementia.  i can't forget.  i can't.  i don't care how tragic my life's been, i don't want to fucking forget. a reason for which you would seriously contemplate suicide:   if jason died.  i'd more than consider it. your greatest fear about marriage:   divorce.  marriage is supposed to be for forever; i don't want to marry the wrong person. what's your mood right this minute?   i'm actually... okay-ish.  for once in my life.  i'm talking to my friend jax about a private subject, and it's opening my mind to some possibilities about certain things.  i feel like a weight's crumbling from my shoulders. ever had an internal worm?   NONONONONONONONONO PLEASE GOD NEVER THEY TERRIFY ME FUCK THAT have you ever been in a lighthouse?   no, but i'd love to. :< do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants?   i always get the same meal when i go to any restaurant. you have the option to have sex right now. do you do it?   only if it's with jason, yeah. would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?   depends on the subject. do any medical problems run in your family?   OHHH GOD HERE GOES.  let's see.  heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, cancer, depression, anxiety, bipolarity, and i can absolutely guarantee i'm forgetting some... something you really want right now?   i'd rather not say. have you cuddled with someone you weren’t dating?   i have not. how long have you been using tumblr?   not even a year yet. what was the last pill you took?   idk.  i take my morning pills in bulk. where was the last place you got completely wasted?   i've never been completely wasted. describe god:   i'd... rather not with how life is right now. your most spiritual moment:   i still believe i had a dream once sent to me by god.  when i was much younger, i had a dream that i walked outside onto my front porch, and two geese, one white, one black, flew in sync with each other to perch before me.  they morphed into my grandfather, who smiled at me, and my former cat midnight, who meowed.  i really do feel like this was god reminding me my loved ones will always watch over me, because the feeling it gave me, it was holy. how you picture the end of the world:   the biblical definition, i guess.  pretty much everything that can go wrong, goes wrong.  it sounds terrifying. do you feel that most wars started because of religious conflicts?   i am honestly not knowledgeable about aaaall the wars in our history to determine this answer fairly.  i do, however, believe a good majority are related to religion. does life exist on other planets?   no.  speaking of "life on other planets," isn't it funny how a trace of water on mars is called life, but an unborn fetus isn't?? do you believe we are descendants of adam and eve?   yes, i do. the first step toward resolving poverty:   hunny, i wish i could tell you.  there are a LOT of factors to this. the worst crime against humanity:   hm.  i honestly don't know what i consider the worst.  i'll think about that and come back to this question if i think of anything. the minimum punishment for those who molest children should be:   fucking kill them. your most beautiful childhood memory of your parents:   probably something regarding fishing... your most horrifying childhood memory of your parents:   hearing my mom screaming in ashley's room, calling her a slut, a whore, worrying i'd be in ashley's place some day... a friend you would name as a godparent to your child:   if we're even still friends then... colleen. the moment you are most ashamed of:   i've told this story enough times.  it's the same moment i'm most embarrassed of. someone who shared this moment with you:   um.  his name is joel. what do you think of people who have fake relationship statuses (like married to their best friend) on facebook?   i mean it's whatever, but it may be frustrating if you wanna know if that person is really in a relationship without asking. if your employer looked at your facebook page, do you think they'd fire you?   lmao after seeing i'm conservative, i'm sure. do you wish facebook had a "dislike" button or would that cause too many arguments?   i'm neutral.  i see both sides. who's your favorite band? how long have they been your favorite?   ozzy and metallica have been two of favorites since middle school started, and the others, i don't really remember.  my most recent favorite band tho is a day to remember, who i've liked for a bit over a year now. do you get annoyed when people try to get you to like their music, even though you've told them before that it's just not your thing?   that's never really happened to me.  now, i've been told my music is pretty much devil music and is nothing about depression, death, and despair because my best friend's fucking ignorant, but she hasn't tried to control the kind of music i like exactly. last concert you were at? was it good?   alice cooper, and it was EPIC.  it was storming and we were all soaking wet outside.  he did that illusion where his head gets chopped off by a guillotine, which was REALLY cool.  towards the end, huge balls were being passed through the crowd and he sang a rendition of "another brick in the wall" by pink floyd and it was just.  holy shit it was badass. who was your favorite band in elementary school? do you still listen to them?   it was probably green day, and yeah, i love them. looking at your appearance alone, would people be surprised to learn that you listen to the music that you do (ex. do you dress goth but listen to country)?   it's pretty obvious what i listen to. pro-gay rights or anti-gay rights?   i am for rights towards certain parts of the LGBTQ+ community.  i'm sorry to tell you, but i sincerely believe there are... certain sexual/gender-oriented decisions... that are not "real."  i won't go into detail on tumblr because it's a liberal parade and frankly i don't feel like hearing it. separation of church and state or no?   DEPENDS DEPENDS DEPENDS.  it REALLY depends on the very unique situation. prayer in school, yay or nay?   you'd best let a child pray to themselves in school. free healthcare (like in canada), good or bad?   make it free, yes. using the word "slut" against women--okay or not okay?   against a woman who deserves it?  sure.  before every fucking reader gets triggered, a slut is merely defined as a feminine character who has multiple sexual partners without much commitment.  ummm, last time i checked, there are women who do JUST that???  it's just a fact???  i'm white.  you can call me white without fucking offending me.  same thing for a "slut," i'd merely be stating a fact about you.  people have made such a big fucking deal out of this word. if you were pregnant, how long would you wait to write something about it on facebook?   OH BOY IT'D BE QUICK.  probably right after my husband knew, really!  i've already got pregnancy announcements planned!  i want to make a really creative pregnancy announcement photograph with my hubby, those are like... my favorite pictures ever. (: when you're on a first date with someone, do you like it when they ASK if they can kiss you?   i'm not really into the idea of a first date kiss, but yeah, i think i'd appreciate being asked. in your opinion, is omitting some of the truth the same thing is lying?   hm.  i do believe i- well... i don't know.  it depends on what you say, i guess, but in general, you're not lying yet...? what's your favorite kind of lip piercing? (monroe, labret, snakebites, etc.)   vertical labret!!!  i really like these because i feel it enunciates the symmetry of your face. what's the most annoying "type" of drunk person?   well i mean, this is far more repulsive than annoying, but angry drunks. at what time in your life were you happiest? if it was in the past, would you want to go back and relive it, though still knowing all the things you know now? if you had the option, would you choose (if it’s in the present) or have chosen to stay here/there forever and never learn anything new?   the whole time i was dating jason.  the first one or two years were the best.  but would i go back there, knowing what i do now?  no.  i can't.  there's no way i could. when is the right time to start having sex with someone you’ve become romantically interested in?   honestly this is the same thing as a question i answered earlier today about when to consider getting engaged.  time doesn't really determine this, but rather the intensity of the bond created.  in general again though, i'd personally wait about a year, i suppose, to ensure you're both very serious about these feelings. if you honestly heard the voice of god talking to you, would you tell anyone? how would you tell them? (i.e., "Conversations with god" is a result of the author claiming to have heard god’s voice loud and clear, but some people would have gone packing to the mental institution, and others would have told their church… etc.)   i would hate that, honestly.  i don't wanna be hearing voices, regardless of who you are.  but i do believe i'd tell my mom, but probably only her. have your parents ever told you that you couldn’t hang out with a certain someone?   that i couldn't, no, that they didn't recommend it, yes. could you forgive a boyfriend or friend who physically hurt you?   LMAO NOPE BYE FAM do you take care of your friends when they’re sick?   the only person i've ever truly taken care of when sick was jason when he had bronchitis. do you own any real diamonds or other expensive jewelry?   i don't think so. has anyone ever gave you jewelry as a present?   mhmm. do you like diamonds or gemstones better?   other gemstones, def. silver or gold?   gold.  i find it prettier and i can't wear silver anyway, i'm allergic. what kind of soda is your favorite?   mountain dew, shamefully. do you use any acne products?   not anymore. what do you take when you have an upset stomach?   peptobismol do you get angry when people criticize your taste in music, or do you just shrug it off?   when people say they don't like it, not at all, but if you're gonna straight-up criticize it like it's "bad" or "wrong" or something...?  i won't get angry, but definitely annoyed.  i find it aesthetically pleasing.  you find your music aesthetically pleasing.  shut the fuck up. have you ever smoked?   i have not.