#reality is disappointing sometimes 😔

[lowstakesvampires]

he hibernated for a while

[edgeray]

Ray! 🍅 anon here, I said I wasn't going to request but there's one idea I've been really, REALLY itching at.

So you know how you reblogged "cold nights" by beiibeii? Yeah about that... I think I cooked an angst idea of this on a related tangent? (If you choose to write this, ofc)

How about Mother!Reader who is faced with the same scenario of Arle neglecting them to the point that she loses hope in their relationship? Think of the angst when the children constantly remind their Father of important dates but she's away or somehow missing most of them because of work. To the point reader just implies for them to stop trying and accepts the fact that they married Arlecchino but is now simply the Knave's wife? Like even the children can see them losing hope which is why they sometimes lowkey plead with their Father to actually pay more attention to Mother. Mother marrying Father means that Mother is strong but behind their strong facade you can see their sadness! You can feel their loneliness! And their sense of isolation and sorrowful acceptance of their new reality. And Arle does not pick up on the subtle signs until it's Too Late. Like. Reader in the coffin Late.

And as the Knave's wife Reader does need to undertake missions like in "I am Fine in Your Arms" but because reader has lost so much hope in living a wife outside of being the Knave's wife, reader does not make an effort to return alive. The angst of the burial, maybe the children blaming their Father etc. The really young ones aside, I don't think they would be actively angry with their Father, just very, VERY, disappointed. HotH would lose its warmth for a while before Lyney, Lynette and Freminet try their best to build it back (but of course, it never becomes as warm as it used to be)

Whether or not you choose to give this one a happy ending is up to you, but on my end the only happy ending that I cooked up for them is that Arle wakes up in the next Samsara with all these memories of losing Reader and prevents the relationship from going South in the first place. (Bonus points if Reader also has the memories and compares it to how they were treated by Arle previously, makes a comparison, and goes "How I wish this were my Arle" without knowing that it actually IS their Arle, just acknowledging she fucked up BIG time and is now making heavy amends for it. and Arle Knows because of that look that Reader gives her, sorrow and joy in a complex blend.)

...I think by now you can tell that I'm an angst writer too HAHSHHSHA Nobody leaves my fics without getting a knife and I promise it's just for the plot (like we always say).

I've still been keeping up with your writings (Beauty and The Beast actually fits, holy-) (Someone send Siren!Arle a whole farmhouse of ham for her consumption please) and yes I agree that you've been pumping out bangers after bangers. (I mean. Given that, you probably can afford to be a little indulgent? If writing this much quality about your muse doesn't give you the OK to put your hands all over them, abs and all, what does?)

As always, prioritise your sanity and schedule first, stay well rested and hydrated!

Lost Warmth

(Arlecchino x GN! Reader)

A/N -  Link to my momma's (@beiibeiii) piece right here. If I see you read this before reading the masterpiece I just linked, know that I am a very disappointed axolotl. 😔  Anyways, you might be able to tell just how long this has been sitting in my inbox… haha… my bad guys. T^T. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write more angst. :3 And thank you for the additional comments 🍅 anon. I do have quite a soft spot for siren! arle, seeing that she was my first request (and requested from my momma :3). Wanted this to be a little longer, but I do have to wake up earlier tomorrow, so this is what you get T^T. Hopefully it's still good. Content warnings / info - angst, character death (duh), reader is referred to as ‘Mother’ but is otherwise GN!, 1.4k words

Cold is a feeling you've long gotten used to. Cold is your husband's dismissal of your existence, with every interaction ending with her blunt words and back towards you, leaving you with a crumbling heart. Cold are the long nights as you anxiously wait for Arlecchino's appearance for a candlelit dinner you spent half the day preparing, only for her never to return until you fell to exhaustion on the couch, a flower bouquet that remains unreceived in your hands. Cold is the creeping loneliness in the late hours of the night, when you've finally grown tired of anticipating someone that will never come, and returned to bed alone. Cold is the way you shiver underneath the thickest of blankets, no one's body warmth to sink into, no one's softly whispered words into your ear to drift you to sleep. Cold is when instead of your husband, only dim stars, a bottle of liquor, and the tears that stream your face join you in bed.

When was the last time you had felt warmth? 

You recall when the Knave first started courting you, how gentlemanly she was for such a rumored cruel Harbinger. You were first just a caretaker of the House of the Hearth, this small orphanage which you quickly found to be home for you. You couldn't help but adore the endearing children, watching as you slowly became a staple in this family. Despite your best efforts of hiding it, Arlecchino noticed when you snuck in the occasional pastry or cake from the town's most lavious bakery for the children, out of your own paycheck as well. It was then, your husband admitted, when she first fell for you. It had taken her months of encouragement from her ‘pestering’ children before she asked you out, and it was impossible to not fall for her charm.

How could you not? Not when she held you like you were her world. Not when she viewed you higher than the Tsaritsa herself. Not when her touch was heavenly, her words silky and sweet. When she proposed to you, your heart leapt with levity, and you thought your life was perfect now. A warm house, fitted with warm parents, that was what you had had, you had never felt so content. 

Then came the long nights. Nights when she trudged home later than usual, where she fell asleep without a word but sunk into your arms still. Then she started forgetting, forgetting about the dates and birthdays, and anniversaries more and more. At first, you chalked it up to her demanding Harbinger duties, but as time grew and the excuses started to run out, the perfect life you knew was crumbling. 

You became aware of this two years after your marriage when you had been preparing dinner for the two of you once she arrived home, slow cooking a steak since the early hours of the morning. Just as you exited the kitchen, you heard some children surrounding your husband before she left for another Harbinger meeting, telling her that you had a surprise for her once she came home and how excited you were for her to enjoy a new recipe you created. Your heart swelled with hope and appreciation for your children, especially when Arlecchino promised she would return in time. 

You should have known better.

You ate your tear-ridden steak alone and went to bed, leaving the steak out for her for whenever she returned home. Just like how you fell asleep, you woke up without your husband's presence, and when you arrived at the kitchen, the meat and the note besides the plate were untouched. 

You tried to eat the cold steak for lunch as well. You threw it away at the first bite. That day, you gathered your children, pleading them not to ‘pester’ Father with more reminders, as she was very busy. All that you gained back from the children was pitied expressions, and the agony in your chest worsened. Your children could pity you, but your husband couldn't? Even with your husband's coldness, you still carried out your Mother role, if only for the children. You cannot deny that the children's antics helped you forget the ever-present void inside you, caused by Arlecchino. 

You never learned the reason for Arlecchino's behavior, why she had grown so cold towards you. Now, you suppose, you would never know.  

Red fills your hazy vision as you lay on the ground, your entire body aching and fatigued, desperate gasps for air while your heart pounds in your eardrums. Your side was sliced, and the crimson liquid quickly poured out of the wound while you tried to stop the bleeding, but to no avail. 

This is your end, you think to yourself as you weakly turn on your side, every nerve in your body protesting against the movement. Your bloodied hand comes into view, your engagement and wedding ring gleaming slightly underneath the blood. The rings bring your thoughts to Arlecchino–oh, how you imagine the common disappointment in her otherwise apathetic expression, disappointment at your mission's failure. Your eyes bubbled and blurred with tears, vivid memories of your wedding flashing through your mind. The wedding ring is beautiful, still polished with that bold scarlet, the same color of her eyes, the same eyes you could never stop drowning in.

Would she even know your absence? Would she ever acknowledge you, treat you properly like her partner even if you did return? You doubt it. Did you want to return a cold bed, to a husband that does not love you, to a house no longer warm? 

It's warm. 

Your body feels like fire courses through your veins as you feel inexplicably hot, yet it's a welcomed heat. It's the first time you've felt this, but it feels familiar, comforting, like a hearth, and you want nothing more than to surrender to it. It soothes your heartbeat and calms your breath, easing your body as if you were to sink into the most plush of beds, swallowed by the thickest of blankets. The warmth coils around you, wrapping you like a cozy embrace, evoking you to sleep. Your eyes flutter shutter, a faint smile plastered on your lips.

It feels just like Peruere's arms. 

— 

Arlecchino receives a letter addressed to her on the third day you've been sent on a mission. The contents make her drop the paper, and she rushes outside, without an additional word, leaving the House. 

The children do not see her until she returns late into the night, a body wrapped in cloth in her arms. Arlecchino raised her children to be smart, to be attentive, to be logical. Whose body it is, they realize with little difficulty. 

The children weep that night. Arlecchino does not. How can she, when her source of emotions is gone? 

The burial takes place soon afterwards. As your body is placed into the ground, Arlecchino can feel the weight of her children's stare on her back. The charged tension between her and the children is palpable without words. She cannot discern which of the two reactions cut deeper. The seething fury underneath the oppressive grief for the young ones, having to lose another parent, or the crushing dismay inhabited by the older ones, specifically the twins and Freminet. 

Their thoughts are clear, even when none of them speak out loud. 

How could you fail Mother?

The House of the Hearth no longer suits the orphanage's name, not with your missing presence. There is no warmth, no matter how much the trio tries to fuel a lost flame. Even with Arlecchin's pyro vision, it is futile.

Arlecchino stands before your gravestone, a bouquet of your favorite flowers in her hand, and she rests it beside the other bouquets by your grave. Six bouquets in total, for each day after your burial. 

“For all the flowers, I should have given you, my love,” she whispers as she addresses you, glancing up to the heavens. The last two words make her feel like a fraud, undeserving of calling you hers, when she had clearly never shown so. 

Arlecchino, the Knave, the Fatui Harbinger, does not plead, does not beg, does not kneel. However, her knees drop to her dirt, and she grovels. “Please… wait for me one more time, my dear. Once I meet you again, I promise I'll never leave you alone, I'll never let you out of my arms again.”

There is no reply. 

Arlecchino feels cold. 

[cutieeva]

Oh shit ! I truly thought that (Y/N) has gone mad but it wasn't that way when I read the second episode !! 😔😔 I am sad for girly yet excited to read the next that's why please please please update fast 😘😘 (Also I love your writing, officially in love with you)

Bullied

Female Reader

Warnings : Bullying. Violence.

⌜ Thank you dearie for loving my art of writing, it never fails to makes me happy and here an belated update. ⌟

𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒

Loving someone itself is an act of selfish so why is leaving the relationship seen so heinous ? Sometimes one's own sake of happiness is needed more than another's if fallen out of love. The sooner (Y/N) understand the better.

"What is going on in that table ?"

"Is the girl okay ?"

"Why is she making a big deal about all ?"

"He is such a lovely boy yet she is so nasty accusing him for cheating ?"

"If I had a boyfriend like that I would die from happiness".

"He should break up with her".

"She seem toxic".

"(Y/N) ! Stop it and get up". Sophia's irritated voice reach her ears and (Y/N) couldn't help but feel all is jumbled. All is unclear. All is numb because does her suffering doesn't matter ? Yes, perhaps she is overreacting yet is it her fault when he was the one to lie about everything ?

Slowly her (E/C) eyes met Sophia's and other accountances she calls friends and her heart dropped.

Her pale face in snarl.

Other's cheeks red from thoroughly shame.

Another can't even share a glance at her.

The beautiful woman standing in awkward.

The guests are whispering, increasingly harsh, scary and the workers worried.

And lastly Cameron, stood looking hurt. In pain than she was and all her beliefs, reality begin distorting.

Is she a nuisance ?

Is she really overreacting over everything like others ?

Is she the one in wrong for not trusting him ?

Is being dated on bet and built an relationship on lies is alright as long as the faulty party apologize ?

If once the trust she believes was broken in the worst way, then is she the one to create drama ?

Are lies not serious ?

Do lies have little meaning ? Is playing with someone else's feeling is a small price for a relationship she didn't even realize ?

Is she overreacting ? "Am I overreacting ?" Despite people surround her, her own few people even the boyfriend she loved once yet why she suddenly feels so alone ? Lonely ? And hopeless ?

Daze with piling doubts and thousand pairs of eyes watching her, her hand yanked by Cameron. "I am sorry, I apologize for the scene". Smiling like a good man he hold her shoulder and walk her limp body to his car he drove.

In the entirety none dare break the ice in air while Cameron was in disappointment, (Y/N) in utter confusion. All she discover is that she has fall out of love, maybe from the moment he said 'I am now' in front of the men along losing herself. For the fear to let go she latched onto him, gifting him the second chance only to realize her suspicious, love turn into anger and anger form an hatred. An hatred she didn't knew. An hatred so deep she was unable to see his goodness anymore only searching faults.

Her entire being of happy, blunt, forgiving shaped into such a stranger her own eyes have harder to see from the clear fog. She shaped into a vicious, incredulous person. A person she never even dreamed to become.

"Get off". Cameron's that soft, smooth voice rip her from the creeping shadows of words inside her mind and her haze gaze glance to find herself house. His home they decide to turn into their love nest.

Sliding down from the car, she walked towards the lift without waiting for him to follow and press the cold metal button. Her eyes dried from the tears that caught her reflection in the shining metal and she couldn't help find the dark circles weight heavy under her eyes, rim edges red and hair— a mess with barely appropriate clothes on. She looks nothing alike the neat, fresh (Y/N).

She looks wasted, used and worn off self— the door of the lifts snap her out again, she blink twice before stepping in properly. Their floor came faster than she expect and the moment the doorknob twist open. She close her eyes ready to be face with angry lashing, words like knives twisting her guts yet none came.

Rather he remove his coat, wash his hands and smile. "What shall we eat then ?"

She merely stare at him.

He continue to smile. The smile she doesn't find warming, sweet.

"Maybe something different. Like Pollo al Ajillo, in English known as Garlic Chicken ? Hmm ?" A single word didn't slip her lips, standing at her roots.

And without her reply he decided. She watched him not moving her an inch cooking, smiling like a normal couple. Minutes bled into hours and little to no care he serve the food, finally ripping her from her roots and sat her beside him.

Stomach churn in no hunger and eyes burden to open, she look at him. "Let's take a break". The metal spoon his fingers held pause, his smile creased.

"I-I need spac—".

"You don't". He cut off smoothly. His smile wider to it's length than before and the spoon between his fingers lay on the wooden table. "I know what happen today was a little overboard but do not worry. It was my fault after all and it's alright. I forgive you". Soft his eyes he push the plate of food to her, an gesture to eat.

However she couldn't. Her eyes couldn't rip from the oblivious face, acting all normal, when nothing is. Nothing is normal. Their relationship is falling apart, their love draft from one another and trust long out of the picture.

He so easily utter his denial. She doesn't need space, perhaps she doesn't but wouldn't he at least ask the reason behind ? Even if it's known still ask and not play the game of pretend. It's exhausting because they are a real couple not actors in a play.

"Would you not ask me why ?" Her voice in end crack.

"Would it make a difference ?"

"Yes, a lot". Honestly she shares, it will help her a lot to understand the real Cameron, the one who she fell for or the one she saw when the illusion shatter.

He turn his head to her. "We are doing alright. It will be fine. Look am I not improving myself ?" No, she only sees him now complying to her wishes easily.

"I need space". She look away, his face reminding her of those cherish days. "We both need space". She finished, adamant on seperating even if it's for a moment she wants to breath, the tightness on her chest is too much and the alarming mistrust.

Once a pot is broken, even with the finest potter's hands can't fix the remained lines of past.

"Okay". To her surprise he agreed "I see, you need time to cool your head". With that he stood up and went to their shared bedroom leaving her and the cold food behind.

Her finger hold the spoon to take a bite of the dish however few inches from her lips she pause. Staring at the food and can't help but cry of unable to eat at the end. Merely thinking how without waiting for her choice, he cooked the food, only giving an illusion of choices.

☾

When one announce their break up. People's first reaction is : 

"Did he cheat ?"

"Did you cheat ?"

"Is he abusive ?"

"Manipulative ?"

"Controlling ?"

"A bet". (Y/N) would say. "I was a bet he was dared to date and in process he fell for me but he always treated not less than a princess and after I found out he begged, confessed his love. From then he always is perfect. Even ignoring my overreaction". All the voices stopped altogether. The harsh, doubtful all pause because in this picture nothing is wrong apart from the fact he was a liar, who lied and fixed himself for better. He really did but can it patch the wounds of her shattered faith in him ?

People always say second chance can change lives, do wonders and in her she saw. She can see why they give second chances yet she can't bring herself to love anymore. She is angry, stuck on the phrase where all laughed at her like a clown, whispering, betting for how long would she last.

Was she a human or a puppet ? He never defended her, he never share his thoughts with her. She doesn't even know him anymore. She really really is lost.

Even walking towards the metal gates of university seem heavy, scary. Her mind already twisted her vision of people laughing, hating her. Being the center of attention she so wants to be away from. Her (E/C) eyes glance around walking to her class recalling not to stumble upon them or him. She is enough exhausted. She doesn't need more.

BANG! She flinched, her nerves jolting.

BANG! Her eyelids snapped shut, shielding herself from the brutality.

BANG! The sound of flesh colliding with metal reverberated through her ears, leaving a buzzing ache. A human body, crumpling like a rag doll.

"Poor him. He should quit or complain". Not so subtle whispers like flicker of fire circle around, reaching her ears.

"Shouldn't he die at this rate ?" Cruel.

"What a bore. Really ? Everyday ? Isn't it such a nuisance—". Cruel. So, so cruel. Just because a person can't help himself doesn't give these people the chance to pity him. To paint him— the victim the cause of his own suffering. His silence was twisted into consent, his helplessness fuel for their merciless ridicule.

Cruel. Cruel. Cruel. Cruel. Laughter like devilish cackles echoed, faces feigning sympathy, eyes gleaming with fox-like innocence. Cowardly souls, masking their true nature.

She, too, wore a mask, hypocrisy veiling her own darkness.

That's why in a blink of an eye. Her once neat clean palm painted in crimson, stretch of iron reeking the air, painful grunts and horried screams and distorted yells is making no sense to her. She can't understand the aching in her palm, the cries of the familiar boy's underneath her, chanting of word fight and her own tears rolling down.

"Fight. Fight. Fright. Fright". The crowd roar fueling her more and more and more. Why are they encouraging ? Yet why does it feel like she is revelling in it ?

"(Y/N) ! Stop beating Adrian". Oh. Her palms ache because she is punching his face, painted in crimson because it's his blood, cries belong to Adrian who lay beneath her helpless like that boy he was seconds ago using as a ragdoll.

How wonderful.

She can't stop. She punch and punch and punch and punch uttering only three words. "I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry". Not to the bully— no never to Adrian. Never to the boy who is violent to innocent. It's to the victim, to the unknown jester of everyone's joke. For Everyone's play. For the system that enable Adrian's cruelty into fun.

She is sorry for blind. She is sorry for foolish. She is sorry for being coward. She is sorry for ignoring him. She is sorry for wearing mask of pretense herself. She is sorry for falling into the lies of Cameron. She is sorry for saying yes to his proposal. She is sorry for overreacting. She is sorry for suspecting. She is sorry for losing trust. She is sorry for not being happy with a perfect boyfriend.

She is sorry for fell in love.

She is sorry for.....everything.

To herself.

To everything.

☾

Dry tears stain her (S/C) cheeks as in empty space she stare, leaning on the chair in front of director's office. The woman's words faded into background noise, inaudible over the cacophony of her thoughts.

Her mind replayed the chaos: the frantic struggle, the flash of anger, the blur of fists. She couldn't recall who intervened, pulling her back from the brink of destruction. By then, he had already crumpled, unconscious. Her tangled hair bore witness to the scuffle, matted from the grasping hands of his minions, few blood dotted her blue jeans, a crimson constellation from her own nose. Her torn t-shirt hung askew, shoulder exposed while he— lay worse. Broken. Lifeless almost.

Yet no remorse stirred in her stomach, surprisingly. Instead, a lingering sense of justification lingered, eclipsed only by the anguish she felt for the victim. The one she had been compelled to defend, driven by a primal urge to protect she only dreamed.

"(Y/N), can you hear me?" The director's voice cut through the tension. "Do you comprehend the gravity of your situation? You're at risk of expelled !" An humorless laugh almost slip from (Y/N).

Expelled for what ? Punching a deserving scum to death while he punch an innocent boy to death when his skin wasn't even healed from the stitches of wounds Adrian left on him ?

(E/C) eyes stare at the female director who's blue glossy eyes stare at (Y/N) like she was a demon of chao when in her view, the real corrupt could be the adult, this lady who blind these physical, emotion abuse. Pain so small like (Y/N)'s bet and huge imprinting like that boy's scars for eternal to remember. Become something that etched in their memories, their experiences, though grave and painful, would be reduced to cautionary stories, diluted by time and retelling. The true weight of their suffering would remain unspoken, lost amidst the faint whispers of a forgotten past.

The tense standoff ended when the director's blue eyes darted past (Y/N), as if catching something She sighed audibly, her expression softening. "Get out. Reflect on your actions and the reasons for your two-week suspension. Expulsion is off the table." She mused confusing (Y/N)'s daze self a little and when she stood up, walking out of the room.

She understand meeting his concern eyes. Her boyfriend must have used his power.

Cameron swallowed under her intense gaze, part his lips to say when she continue to walk, aware of the pain in her body suddenly.

Alone in the empty hallway, she felt a fleeting sense of peace, liberated from the weight of others' judgments. Her footsteps echoed off the walls as she moved, ghost-like. Her eyes drifted to the scattered belongings on the floor, remnants of the chaos. She bent to gather them, her movements slow and deliberate.

A sudden twinge of pain shot through her knee as she crouched. (Y/N) winced, noticing the cut, a crimson gash on her pale skin. She gingerly touched the wound, her fingers tracing the tender edge. This time she felt like crying with clarity, like she knew what she was crying for along a need. Tears swell within her (E/C) eyes waiting to fall.

"It will hurt more if you cry". Calmly she gaze beside her. To the lockers where the boy slumped, his face still smeared with blood. The indifference surrounding him was palpable, as if no one cared about his suffering. (Y/N) press her lips, pulling a white handkerchief to hand him.

He accepted the handkerchief, his fingers brushing against hers. With gentle movements, he wiped the blood from his face, revealing a canvas of bruises and wounds beneath. For the first time, (Y/N) saw his true complexion – pale, with a hint of rosy undertones. The vibrant hues of his injuries – purple, blue, and crimson – stood in stark contrast to his delicate skin.

As the blood was wiped away, his features emerged, and (Y/N) noticed the sharp angles of his cheekbones, the gentle curve of his nose, and the softness of his lips.

"I am sorry". It fell out before she could revise or add.

"Don't be". He shake his head. "Everyone's coward. Even me". (Y/N) desire to protest of his own situation.

"I am talking about you". She blink. "You are Cameron's girlfriend". He utter like a fact. "All business major knew about a bet on a girl. They just didn't knew who until one of Cameron's friend told about your relationship making everyone realize who she is but wasn't sure". Her breath hitched. So they did. All did.

"I too, because I am from business major. Yet I was a coward to not say the truth or at least..." He tailed off. "Warn you". He finished heavy silence weight the air. (Y/N) inhale, not finding words to explain the mess of feelings she is having. Indeed both were jester of everyone's joke.

As she scoffed, her gaze trailed his movements, expecting him to walk away. But instead, he swooped down, his lithe frame folding into a crouch beside her. His amber eyes locked onto her knee, the cut a tiny, crimson gash.

Without a word, he reached out, his fingertips grazing her skin as he applied a band-aid. A shiver danced up her spine at the gentle touch.

"You know you're also being bullied?" His voice was low, concerned. Her eyes lift to his focused ones on her cut, whispering a "No".

"Bullying is not only physical you know. It can be emotional too. And what is happening to you is bullying too. An emotional one where he took advantage of your trust, then play with your feelings, manipulate you into staying in the relationship when you clearly in daze of the complexity and not in right state. If he truly cared about you, wouldn't he have asked how you felt or given you the space to think? Wouldn't he have prioritized your well-being over his own desires? But instead, he rushed you into this relationship, disregarding your boundaries and emotions". His words felt like sting of bees she couldn't process as the image of Cameron's pained face when she accused of him cheating in front of others.

His pure happiness when he pull the chair for her in front of her parents.

His patience when she was crying so suddenly and at the restaurant.

Her colleagues Sofia and others disturbed faces and harsh whispers.

"No. No. He is not perfect, yes. He is not good entirely. He is a liar but he improved. It is I who has problem. I fall out of love, mistrust him and..." Her throat felt dry to speak and she swallowed having difficulty seeing. The problem lies in her. She is the odd, fallen one.

The boy finally gaze his amber eyes and said. "If Cameron really is a good person. Not perfect, good. Then why in the first place are you lashing out and angrily pushing your anger on Adrian ? And in a mess mindset ?" It left (Y/N) shunned. Because truly did she blames Cameron for her misery. Hates him for his mockery of perfection. However never did she blame him for his entanglement to this relationship based on lies for her was truth.

"Let's assume Cameron is a good person who genuinely cares for you and loves you deeply, but isn't able to let you go. However, if being with him no longer brings you happiness— not because of his flaws, but because your feelings have changed and you're staying solely out of guilt or obligation, don't you think it's time to reevaluate? For your own sake, shouldn't you prioritize your happiness even if it's selfishness ?"

As he stood, dusting off his pants, (Y/N) lifted her gaze to meet his. His eyes held a gentle intensity. "After all, loving someone is, in itself, a selfish act," he added, his voice low and thoughtful.

"I am saying this because you came out of your cowardness for me and I for you". the boy said, wincing as he gingerly touched his jaw. "I should get to the nurse," he added, his voice laced with discomfort.

She swiftly stood up, her hand brushing against his arm with an awkward yet tender touch. "Let me help."

"No, it's okay..." He trailed off, his mind reeling as a wave of dizziness washed over him. His legs weakened, and he swayed precariously, almost toppling over.

(Y/N)'s eyes widened in alarm as she swiftly grasped his arms, her grip tight.

𝑻𝒐 𝑩𝒆 𝑪𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒆𝒅

☾ ────────

[st4rb3rries]

AW THE FRIENDSHIP HCS AAAA could u also write some for Tweek, Craig, and Wendy?? Thank you!!!!!!!<33

TWEEK TWEAK and CRAIG TUCKER friendship hc's .ೃ࿔*:･

pairings; tweek and craig x reader (all aged up 18+)

summary; just hc's!

warnings; slight cussing

a/n; sorry i didn't write for wendy idk how to write for her!!

YOUR FRIEND GROUP WITH THEM

craig forced you guys into all getting guinea pigs. it was at 3am too. craig saw the 24 hour pet star and was literally begging you both to get one. obviously you guys got one because craig couldn't stfu🙄. tweek named his espresso and you named yours piggy. now stripe has 2 new friends to play with!! two weeks later stripe now has one friend to play with.

tweek: "AUHG G-GUYS E-ESPRESO DIED, AUGJK WHAT AM I GOING TO DO"

y/n and craig: "WTH HOW DID ESPRESSO DIE??!??!"

tweek: "I GIVE HER COFFE JUST ONCE AND THEN-"

craig: "GOD DAMMINT TWEEK GUINEA PIGS CAN'T HANDLE COFFEE!"

you guys arranged espresso a funeral. espresso was buried in craigs backyard. she didn't deserved to be buried in her murderers backyard. everyone was crying, but tweek was crying the most. a real one was lost that day. r.i.p espresso😔🙌.

ok hear me out, you guys have a garden at tweeks house. it's y'alls relaxing garden whenever you guys are stressed from school. and it smells like coffee cause tweeks parents grow their own coffee beans their!! you guys built this garden by yourselves. it has a mini water fountain and everything. even a lil bench. you guys mostly planted flowers there.

sneaking out to the park late at night is a thing you guys do once a week. at first tweek was skeptical because you could get kidnapped. but after a few times going he now enjoys it. you guys play hide and seek cops and robbers tag and much more. it's so chaotic too because it's at night you can't see anything. lot's of screaming is heard and the neighbors once called the cops on you guys because. they thought a murder was happening💀. you guys ran away whenever you saw blue and red lights.

on those lazy days you and tweek go to craigs house and set up his movie projector outside in his backyard. you guys lay on his trampoline with blankets and munch on snacks. ghibli movies are %100 being watched. but it's all fun and games until CRAIG starts jumping. oh nah you and tweek always be flying like 300 feet into the air. so you and tweek always get craig back with a double jump. craig finally got to visit outer space that night😍.

YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH TWEEK ⋆˚✿˖°

making coffee drinks at 3am since you guys have such a bad sleep schedule!! since tweek has the keys to his parents shop. you guys sneak in and, that's when it gets real fun and messy. you guys either make the most delicious heaven sent frappuccino's on earth. OR THE MOST DISGUESTING COFFE DRINK THAT WOULD KILL A WHOLE POPULATION. like, "no tweek i aint gonna try your coffee mayo topped with celery🙄". "i'll give you $5 bucks" "ok bet" tweek really couldn't believe you drank that. he was so disappointed in you too. you drank all that just for 5 dollars tf?? even though he was disappointed in you, he recorded you drinking it. he was laughing his ass off the whole time too omfg. the next day he was so worried because he thought you died😭😭😭. in reality you got a new and exclusive virus😍.

doing your skincare for him. i feel like sometimes his anxiety makes him break out sometimes. so he comes over to your house to ask you for skin advice and for you to do his skincare! you were so excited when he asked you that like you were screaming and jumping!! tweek didn't really get the hype though🤨. first you started off with a cleanser, then a face mask. he didn't like the consistency off the face mask because it was slimey. he was like "what am i frog🙄🙄" "yes" after that you used some serums and moisturizers then you dried him off with a fan. bro was so tired and about to fall asleep until he saw you grab more boxes. "oh jesus christ what now" "nose strips and pimple patches duh🙄" tweek actually felt nice and relaxed after you were done. it became it weekly thing for you to do his skincare. but after a while he finally does it on his own everyday. he now has the most clearest skin!! thanks you to you ofc<3

so yk how tweek has his buttons all messed up on his shirt. sometimes they pop out due to his twitches so you always sew them back on just for him. but you've been sewing his buttons on for awhile and he quicky grasps the steps very easily. after a bit of practice he learned to sew his own buttons. anyways he wanted to learn a little bit more advanced things then just sewing buttons. so you taught him more! after a couple months he made so many things. like gloves, plushies, bags and much more. but his favorite thing to do is emborder his jeans and shirts. once you guys bought each other jeans and spent the whole night and morning embroidering little things and doodles about each other. i just think this is a cute little niche thing that he does. :)

baking coffee cupcakes with him is for sure a thing you guys do. he has a huge sweet tooth! i feel like older tweek is not trying to drink as much coffee since it's been damaging him since he was a kid😭. so he starts somewhere small. you suggest coffee cupcakes since he has a sweet tooth and he loves the idea. it still has coffee but not as much. he actually created the cupcake recipe and it turned out so good!! so don't be surprised when it's 4am and you get a message from tweek that says, "lets go to walmart and get stuff for coffee cupcakes." you say yes ofc because his cupcakes are so delicious!! once you guys get back from walmart. you guys put on your matching aprons and then start baking together. tweek is the cupcake expert here so you follow his instructions. whenever you mix and measure things tweek has to watch you because. one time you put the whole bottle of vanilla extract because you were talking to him and you didn't even notice. once you guys bit into those cupcakes...... you spat them back out cause they were so nasty. this time the cupcakes turned out delicious because tweek was monitoring you😭.

YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH CRAIG ୨୧⋆ ˚｡

so i hc that craig loves space as much as stripe so going to the space museum. are definitely things that you guys love to do and always do. you guys always go once a month if not more!! whenever you guys to the space museum, you never fail to smile at craigs lit up face when he enters🤭. his favorite exhibit is the big shuttle that takes up the whole place. the first time you guys were there you snuck onto the shuttle and toured it. it was all going until you guys got caught by security. you tried to ditch them but y'all still got caught. you both flipped off security whenever they escorted you out🙄. his 2nd favorite exhibit is the star room. it's a projector that shows stars on the ceilings and all the planets are hanging in there. there's also old love music playing in the background. this exhibit is for couples but he don't care. every time it's empty you guys pull up and start slow dancing. only for a minute because every time you see craigs serious face you start laughing and he does too. you guys can't take anything seriously😭 .

you and craig always have photoshoots with your guinea pigs. ik this sounds childish but, you and craigs love for guinea pigs are unmatched😔🙌. craig always goes to your house for the photoshoots. some examples that you've guys done are astronauts, race car drivers, and barbie and ken! and these photoshoots turn out so good im not even kidding. the accessories and clothes are hand made by y'all ofc. and the backgrounds are painted by craig. you always take the photos. craig does too sometimes but they turn out blurry. "i can take the photos this time if you want" "NO ITS OK I'LL TAKE THEM" (craig always prints out the photos and tapes it to his walls.) once stripe and piggy are done you let them run around in their own play area. THESE ARE SPOILED GUINEA PIGS. they have a bunch of toys, mazes that they can go through and much more. you and craig got jobs just so you can support your children🙌. once their tired from playing around you guys always make them gourmet food. craig also bought them little tables and chairs so they can eat😭. you guys get the best lettuce and herbs for your guinea pigs. and yk they be eating good since they're a lil chunky. you and craig always chop up all the veggies and plate them up. in the end you guys are very responsible and loving parents.

whenever it's late at night and the stars are beautiful expect a message from craig saying: "MEET ME ON KROOFTOP RN STAQRS LOOOK PRETYYW😭" you meet up with craig so he can read astronomy books to you. BUT only when the stars are extra pretty. obviously craig owns all the astronomy books so he brings that and a flashlight! you on the other hand, you bring blankets and snacks! craig always reads while you just sit and listen. you never offer to read just so you can hear his voice more🤭. "astronyisaphenonminathathathasbeen-" "WOAH OWAH SLOW DOWN" you say. craig says, "it's not my fault im a smarter intellectual and faster reader than you🤓🤓🤓" (with sarcasm) you guys also look for constellations too! craigs house is the best place for constellation sighting. "isn't that the big chipper or something like that?" "no you dumbass it's the big dipper🙄" you always stay up on his roof top until the dawn of morning. so it's a bonus that you get to see the sunrise too. "the sunrise is so much more prettier than those stars" "get out of my house"

craig has a thing for lego's so he insists on inviting you whenever whenever the lego set he got was easy enough for you to build. if the set is advanced then he'll stick to building it himself and here's why. it was your first time building a lego set with craig. it was that big star wars starship model. it was all finished and craig was so proud he could cry. ohhh but he did cry whenever you dropped the starship model on the ground. "y/n get out" "OH SHIT S-SORRY CRAIG IM SORR-" "please y/n just get out" THAT BIG BABY DIDN'T WANT YOU TO SEE HIM CRY OVER PIECES OF PLASTICCCC. once he started crying you hugged him. "OH Y/N SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL I TELL YA!!!" you told him that you were soooo sorry for dropping it and he forgave you. (he still holds you accountable till this day) that's why you and craig stick to easy models. like the valentines models personally those are his favorite to build with you because they are cute and simple. whenever it's february craig always gets a new valentine set for each day until valentines day. whenevr it's valentines day craig got the flower lego set for you and him😳. craig will always insist to build lego's when there's nothing to do "*sighhh* im boredddd" "wanna build leg-"

[peaterookie]

Had to post this late because below is like a whole indepth analysis of this drawing + Perrin's history

Happy Birthday Perrin!!! It's really been 10 whole years... it's honestly astounding to even say this. Lil bro's so old...

Ok! if you clicked the keep reading button, expect to be here for a while, for i will be walking you through every single design and aus in this drawing and the history behind it!!

Perrin, or his old name, Peater, is a silly, bastardly little boy that has the magical powers to make people's dreams into reality. But that's just his canon lore. He also used to be a winged swordsman, a kirby with a repeater hat, and a little alien that escaped a lab. In different universes, he's a phantom thief, a god, a demon, or just a simple schoolboy!

Essentially, I use him for almost any story ideas that i find cool. He's one of the first ocs that I made and he gets involved in almost anything due to him being the favorite oc. His personality, still, has been very consistent, but you should just read his Toyhouse page if you wanna learn more because I don't want this to get any longer than it already is rn

Ok! Let's get started on the first design!!

~ Kirby Era ~

Before Perrin was a human, he was a puffball!

I used to be a huge PvZ and Kirby fan (still is) and so Perrin was born as a combination of both of those things. The general gist is that its a Kirby with a Peashooter hat. Simple enough.

The left design however, was I think another concept for Perrin that I had earlier or around the same time as Kirbypeater (this is the name for the Kirby version of Perrin) So I also considered that design a Perrin design as well. Also it's just super fucking funny because of how much it stands out. It straight up looks like a Mary Sue.

These two designs have absolutely zero lore, most of their lore will be coming with the next designs!!

2015 was honestly peak Kirbypeater era in terms of development. I drew him a LOT and gave him some personality and powers.

There were also a lot of design variations aside from these four (ignore the human one for now) most of them comes down to his bandanna color, his shoes, and whether he's wearing the repeater hat or not.

I was also a big Strikeforce Squad fan during that time so I reaally reaaally wanted him to be part of the lore and be a member lmao

You can notice that I changed the Peashooter to Repeater, which is my favorite plant in pvz. Around the end I changed it to Primal Peashooter, but that change was something I ended up not approving of in the future.

The katana is inspired by Zoro from One Piece, which is my fav OP character. His swordsman skill came extremely early on. The green hair guy (the one that got hit by the pea) is just mid 2015 Kirbypeater without the hat. Sometimes he has black hair however, which hairstyle was based off of Len Kagamine/Glutamine (the utaite)

~ 2016 - 2017 ~ The Blue Bitch Era

Sadly, the Kirbypeater era has now come to an end, because shortly after 2015, I decided to transition from drawing little funny kirby creatures to little funny boys.

Okay, let's go back to the guy riding the roadroller, because that was Perrin's first human design !!

The roadroller was a reference to this vocaloid song, if you didn't know already.

The first human design takes the black hair design from Kirbypeater, and the sweater was clearly inspired from my Undertale obsession back then 😔 little did he know that sweater was gonna stay for so damn long...

The part that did not stay long however were the green eyes and the black hair, that drawing was mostly a proof of concept only and didn't really reflect on what he'd become later.

ngl, this drawing is pretty damn good for a first time. I think i really didn't want to screw up back then.

THEN OUT OF NOWHERE?? HIS SWEATER THEN TURNED BLUE!!

I call this little era the blue bitch era because the sweater he wore turned blue for no damn reason, like no, you're suppose to be green, not blue... the disappointment i hold is immense right now.

Other than the blue, his iconic green hair first appeared during this time!! I also changed his eyes to brown, maybe as a way to make his design more grounded to real life? at least i think thats what little me was going at.

The second picture is the first AU i made for Perrin, based off of my playthrough of Pokemon Crystal where I named my pokemon after my Sony Sketch friends (hence Pokesketch.) Perrin would be the trainer and yeah.

I have no fucking idea what I was cooking for the third reference sheet, I think i wanted to imitate the ref sheet style a friend had and ended up making something INSANELY cringe. the undertale fan stink radiates off of that drawing and you guys are free to make fun of it as much as you want.

alright!! now its this fucker!!

this design was made as a sort of inside joke between my friends one day, where all of us just decided to have the same profile pic and name as this one other friend. the pfp (center) was of their ink sans oc and it was fucking funny as hell

it lasted like one day but i think that design is too good to not include in the art piece. you can see him fighting the chara perrin guy as a little nod to their similar inspirations #iloveundertale

~ 2018 - 2019 ~ Ninja Perrin makes an appearance ! Also these weird guys are here for some reason.

This era is kinda weird because there's nothing really stands out in terms of changes. But that's ok! Life isn't always just bumps and... idk where i was going with that uh anyways NINJA PERRIN

his swordsman ass is back again and now as a funny ninja guy!! honestly i cant recall lore wise why he was a ninja but i think it mightve been based off of naruto (i dont even watch naruto) also wow look guys his sweater finally stopped being blue! and now he has shorts!!!

also scratch that entire part about me saying there wasnt any significant changes because there was a time where i almost made perrin's hair NOT GREEN. that's right. absolutely BLASPHEMOUS. i shouldve been pelted with rocks for even considering such things.

but being real, i think a part of me back then felt? insecure about the fact that perrin's hair was an unnatural color for a while? green especially was not a common color to use back then so i felt like people didn't like him for that reason so i changed it to brown for a while to see if i liked it. uh spoiler alert i didnt and i changed it a month later i believe.

dude wait until 2019 peater sees gon from hxh

also you might be wondering why i only drew mid 2019 perrin wearing the ninja outfit and not early 2018. that is because that one drawing of ninja perrin from 2019 got meme'd to fucking DEATH by my friend because it had a funny face. i was forever scarred and so i decided to draw it as a funny reminder of that time.

oh yeah christmas tree peater. yeah bro.

moving on, here's the collection of weird perrins from this time.

the first is art i drew for art fight 2019, where I drew perrin with outfit themed with the team i joined which was team dream. i fucking lost horrendously that year. if i had a team i regretted joining it was team dream

next is!!! these four fucks!!!

these little guys are what was supposed to be representing peater's main personality traits, i made designs for them then that was it i did nothing with them. they were kinda dumb anyway

hopefully one of you guys know that thomas sander series with the four personality traits because that was what inspired these :smill:

and yknow what? I should probably cover all of the christmas perrins all in a row because getting rid of all of them rn would better fit the writing flow better-

oh. there's a picture limit. god fucking damn!!! see you later then!!!

Second Part

[reinen5astro]

●ARIES NORTH NODE [Rahu]+ LIBRA SOUTH NODE [Ketu] ●

~ A FULL GUIDE + ADVICE 💕 ~ The North Node [NN] and South Node [SN] represent our life purpose or life lessons throughout our lifetime. It's like a tug of war between what you already know [your comfort zone [SN]] and what you need to learn to get happier [something out of your comfort zone [NN]]. Your SN also represents negative thoughts, habits, and patterns that you find difficult to escape. However, you must avoid embodying the extremes of your North Node. ~ REMEMBER: Just because your NN will help you become more fulfilled in life doesn't necessarily mean you should abandon all factors related to your SN. It's important to find a balance between this tug of war.

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ARIES NORTH NODE [ANN] + LIBRA SOUTH NODE [LSN]

Let's describe you first!......

● [LSN] You had mastered the art of compromise and your relationships with others in your past life/early life. However, now you often find yourself conceding to others 'demands/needs' even if it goes against what you want to do. And even when you try to assert yourself you find yourself giving in to others. You tend to put others first, to your own detriment sometimes.

● [LSN] You often anticipate judgment. You believe that what others say about you says more about who you are than who you think you are

● [LSN] You want desperately to feel accepted since you've spent a lot of time feeling as if you aren't normal. You feel incredibly unprotected in this world, so you often go around looking for someone to save you [partnership, institution, job].

● To put it bluntly, Libra South Nodes often have a bad case of imposter syndrome. You're afraid that other people will think that you're trying to be more special or above everyone else, so you seek something to camouflage you in order to make yourself seem 'normal'. But sorry to say this,😔 no amount of social validation will ever heal you. YOU MUST seek it within yourself

● [LSN] You may find yourself terrified of being alone because you feel as if you aren't normal, so you feel that if you were to ever drift off from society, you would become "crazy", or people would think of you as such.

● [ANN] Something that is cute though is that Aries North Node's people are obsessives. You are obsessed with weird things that no one else ever thinks about. Whatever you're obsessed about, you don't want anyone else to know about it. This is because you want people to like you and you think that if people knew about what you liked then they wouldn't like you. TAKE PRIDE IN IT!!

● [ANN] It's hard for you to be in an argument with others because you always think you must change another person's mind to "win". You also find arguments frustrating because there may have been repressed conflict in your home life. Because of this ANNs have a hidden yearning that there will be an end-all conflict that ends all conflicts.

...The trouble with this is the end all conflict will never come. Fighting never changes anyone's mind either. It's disappointing but it's reality. Believing that escalating conflict leads to your victory is what traps you!! ❤️

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--- Takeaways ---

● You will learn and grow when you realize that you don't need anyone to validate your obsessions. You don't need to change anyone's mind. You don't need a final showdown with your boss or partner or friend [that you sometimes find yourself fantasizing about]. You don't need revenge to feel safe expressing anger.

• What keeps you trapped in this cycle of fear is that you're SO good at conflict. When you fight you win because you're so good at looking at things from every angle.

• [ANN] What you're trying to figure out is when to fight and when to walk away. What heals you is walking away from a conflict that you can win. [I know it's hard!!] You will never grow when you win because it just keeps fueling the same scarcity under the competition mindset. You grow when you reclaim your own space and nurture your creativity and joy. You grow when you create safety by choosing when to have conflict and when to not.

● NN in Aries gives you the life challenge of exerting your personal will and developing the inner confidence and courage to act in your own self-interest sometimes. Your life journey is discovering "Who am I without you?"

• [LSN] What feels natural to you is pleasing others but with your ANN, what you really desire and where your fulfillment lies is in doing your own thing, according to your own impulses, without being limited by the input of others.

• Although you try to assert yourself you seem to continually give in to others. You need to ask yourself, how can "I act" in my own self interest and still "please you"? Because unfortunately acting in your self-interest fully without caring about others at all, will not make you fulfilled either.

• On the good side though, your Libra South Node can help you to think before acting!!

• [LSN and ANN] This inner tug of war will eventually teach you that indulging in your own wants and desires with no regard for others is just as bad as always putting others first. The challenge of this life's theme is to find a healthy balance between selflessness and selfishness.

• Relationships may be challenging because you [LSN] instinctively gravitate towards friendships, partnerships, lovers, and marriage. But in your need for harmony, you tend to go along with whatever your friend says [especially when young]. Still, there will come a time with the ANN will come to the forefront and you'll rebel, get angry, seek your independence, and go your own way. [I have an ANN and LSN and trust me, I experienced this, and my "rebellion" didn't go well. I would get angry at every little thing because I was suppressing my anger so much before. It just made me more unhappy, and I felt so alone and alienated because nobody understood that I was trying to get my point/needs across, and they weren't listening to my WORDS. It just came across as aggressive I guess; it made me look crazy. So, work on yourself and try to skip this step of the process 😭😭, I don't know if it can be skipped though. There will come a point where you're so tired of being used, or of no one being considerate of you. You need to learn the difference between aggressiveness and assertiveness though, and you also need to learn to walk away from a fight that genuinely has nothing to do with your values. Still, I do notice that I have in fact gone my own way after that, and I now pick and choose my battles which brings me peace and a sense of safety. I'm much happier now, and I'm working towards self-confidence. So it's a part of the process don't worry 😘]

• The secret to successful long-lasting relationships is creating a balance in your life between time doing your own thing and time invested in making your partner or friend happy.

• The irony is once you learn to love and trust yourself enough to confidently "go it alone", you'll draw appropriate people into your life who will support your independence 😊😊❤️

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------- How To Grow ------

• Steps to freeing yourself from past behavior patterns [LSN]:

1. Recognize you don't need another person's support or approval to exist. You have the right to feel as you feel and to act independently of others.

2. You must recognize you have value before anyone else will. You must also understand that being honest and assertive isn't harmful when done correctly. Once you realize your worth you can begin building healthy selfishness and live an authentic life

3. Detach a bit from your need for harmony in relationships. Learn the difference between aggressiveness and assertiveness. Determine what is or isn't worth fighting for/about.

4. Make your needs known. When you stop catering to everyone else's desires and practice open communication, you free yourself and others [individuals you're close to may not even realize their unconscious part in directing your life]. If you make your needs known correctly, and the person reacts defensively, then that tells you that they aren't good for your path.

5. Write a list of your life values. Then write another list of the values you want your dream friends to have. As well as the values you want your dream partner to have. And make a list for your family as a bonus too. This will help you to discern when to create a conflict and when not to because it makes no sense to cause a fight over something that doesn't even compromise your values. For example, let's say your current friend keeps on lying to you and you wrote that you value friends that value honesty [in your friend list] and that you value honesty in your life values list, then, of course, it makes sense to speak up or end the friendship over it. But let's say your friend hasn't answered your texts and you didn't write anything about that in your values lists, then is it really necessary to cause a conflict over it?

6. Self-discovery is the gift of an Aries NN ❤️❤️

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I hope this helps 🙏 💕. I also have this placement and it was such a step out of my comfort zone when I decided to go down the journey of my NN. I hope that one day I can finally learn to put myself first and discover myself. And honestly, I take such pride in this placement, because it's such a beautiful journey. So ya, if you want to feel more fulfilled and I guess less used, TRY to work towards your Aries North Node. But remember not to become too selfish, balance is key 😊❤️.

Side Note:

Yes, as an Aries North Node, my obsession is astrology LMAO. I'm so scared to talk about it, cause whenever I do I can see them getting bored or zoning out, and it makes me so disappointed. Also, I truly do anticipate the judgment 😭, its such a Libra South Node thing. This is further amplified because I have an Aquarius Chiron in the 3rd House, I'm really not imagining it, people aren't listening 🥲. But ya, I love astrology with my whole heart and I hope that by focusing on myself and my development more, I can attract people who will actually listen. At least there is hope too, since the 3rd House gets better with time, meaning my Chiron will get better with time, phew.

Sources:

[gracefullou]

I’ve been thinking about this and looking at peoples reactions on the setlist and the biggest problem to me is not 1D songs but the fact that there’s THREE 1D songs and like genuinely if I went to the festival and I saw him then afterwards I’d left with a feeling of “he doesn’t have enough solo songs”& “he’s still stuck on 1D” when it’s not true and we as the fans know that but the gp doesn’t.

Also I do understand him putting the songs that the gp knows and blah blah blah but well the gp knows jho (or at least some people) so he could’ve sang it instead of another 1D song or a cover which no one knows anyway. But overall I think Louis is stubborn and he won’t listen to us (esp since we’re such a small group of people lol) buuuut I’m really glad to see that the fans are saying very loud that they want more solo songs on the setlist because Louis deserves to know that his solo songs >1D songs and that people love them more so I hope he sees all the complains lmao

Hi, anon. I agree with everything you said. No matter the angle you see it from, it's not looking good. At first, i was disappointed solely for the fact that all these covers are taking up the place that fitf songs should've had. Simply bc i believe in its potential, i believe that every fitf song is so much better than any one direction song. I believe that no cover (one direction or not) is the key to win people over, but fitf is. Not in i'm a solo louie only his solo songs are good kind of way but bc it's the truth. Everytime the transition between a fitf song and a one direction one happens, i feel the dip in the quality. It's frankly striking. Fitf is my favorite album ever but also, i always make all my family and friends listen to Louis' music (usually not in an obvious fangirl way) and never has anyone said that this song is bad or that they didn't like it. On the contrary, most are now casual fans/ listeners and get excited along with me when a new release of his aporoaches. I also know what i felt/ thought when i heard fitf for the first time and that's why i have no doubt in my mind that an artist could not ask for a better representation. Fitf is EVERYTHING. I just wish Louis believed that too 😔. Anyway, the more that i think about it, the more obvious it becomes that Louis is waisting a lot of potential with his setlist choices. First of all, it doesn't send the message of a solo artist that is confident in his work. It can frankly paint him as the ambitionless loser from a dead band who can't move on from the break that the media (and some of his so called fans) try so hard to make people perceive him as. When in reality, he's been up to SO much since the pandemic. People respect ambition, they respect hunger for success and validation so why put yourself in a position where you can seem to not care enough? Larries and ot5s are horrible we know that (see how they're celebrating fucking seven of all things and then they have the audacity to claim that they love him and it's the toxic solos who don't respect his previous work 😬) but i can't help but feel that somewhere, sometimes Louis is responsable as well. Fans take cues from their "idols" and Louis is not helping with the three covers. I don't even know what he's trying to achieve with it 😭. Bc he does sing an awful lot of covers even at the tour shows when he knows the crowd is mainly his fans. Like the directioners that do show up now will show up even if he reduces the number of covers to one (and everyone will be happy then ☺️). He also needs to stop thinking too highly of 1D and assuming everyone is a fan. A lot of people are not. A lot of people don't even know their songs. It's been nine years, people move on. Today was the first time that i was left feeling a bit underwhelmed and not on a high after his set. It's one thing to sneak 4 covers on a regular tour set (it used to be less rip 💔) it's a whole other thing to fill it with those and leave your own beautiful songs off in a tight set like he has on those festivals and he needs to understand the difference ASAP. And it's not that he doesn't have "popular" songs under his belt. Back to you, just hold on, miss you are more than enough familiarity for any audience. Also, as much as he cares about "popularity" when it comes to 1D songs, he doesn't seem to care for the same for his own. Hello always you has over 100M streams on Spotify with no promo or playlisting and it's not even a single. Hoth, Chicago, angels fly, bigger than me are the most popular fitf songs after waoyf but they're nowhere to see on the setlist 😃. Instead of wdbhg why not reward fans with a favorite? Megamix is a clear fan favorite. Or defenceless as a nod to the fans' dedication and effort in 2020 for example? Or maybe he does reward them... With one dead songs 😭😭😭

[imaginespazzi]

Hey bestie,

How are you? I hope you’re doing good! Me? Not so much after reading part 3 😭

My thoughts:

I wasn’t expecting us to finally get the fight from that night, so I was NOT prepared. This - When Azzi’s 18, Paige says those words, ones that sound a lot like giving up, and teaches Azzi that sometimes in life, even the people you thought would never make you feel this way, are the ones who'll break you the most – this broke me babe, and to think Azzi still held on despite everything. Like I know Paige was just hurting but maybe she does deserve the suffering (a little bit) after all.

The entire summer scene was fucking elite. Poor Katie and Tim, they just wanted a. nice. family. dinner!! And instead they had to sit through their daughter’s gay ass drama lmao, #freeKatieandTim

The bros standing ten toes down for Pazzi ✊ Jon and José not even trying sent me, like no sorry, P is our sister-in-law but we appreciate you dropping by. AND DREW, our MVP - Drew had looked over to Azzi then, his eyes wide and accusing, “you can’t be Azzi’s girlfriend.” – little man was a bit traumatised, like sorry pookie who is this girl and why is she claiming to be something she can’t possibly be? He’s the GOAT fr, I know when he and P got back home, he scolded tf outta her and it went something like- Drew: “Why are you letting Azzi be other people’s girlfriend?? That’s OUR pookie.” P: “I know, I’m trying bro!”. Drew: “Well try harder!!” *stomps away*.

Then the Cayman Islands - UCLA and UConn to each other: 😡😤🔪🤬🖕👿 while Azzi and Paige: 🥰😍🫂🤩💗👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and then there’s probably Carol like: 😩 (she’s so over all this)

And then the ending! I’m guessing P left without saying goodbye because she probably saw the text from Zoe and once again was promptly reminded of their reality? 🥺

Speaking of Zoe, oh girl I’m so sorry, you deserve better – like damn, she just wanted to share some fucking pizza!!

Also, jealous Azzi making an appearance! (I’m such a shameful sucker for the jealous Paige and Azzi trope, I’m sorry!)

Oh and one final thing on part 3 – babe I know you said writing **** was taking years off your life, but we really appreciate your sacrifice because it was absolute 🔥🔥

What’s next (potentially)?

Oh man where to from here huh… I feel like Paige is eventually gonna get to the point where she's like "choose me, pick me", only to realise that Azzi just can’t do it cause she can't trust her with her heart, and I know it's gonna hurt bad. And even though Paige needs and wants more, she’ll also take whatever she can get even if it’s slowly killing her, because it’s Azzi and she’d rather have a little bit of her than none at all 😔

Also, a tension-filled game between them in the final 4 coming up maybe??

That part where Katie shoots Azzi a look of disappointment – I wonder if momma Fudd will ever call out Azzi over whatever’s happening between her and Paige and poor Zoe?

Either way, something tells me we’ve still got a lot of angst coming our way, and look as much as I want our babies to finally just get their shit together, I just can’t say no to more angst you know, I’m just a girl. 🤷‍♀️

Oh and this part - she’s even less sure about how she’d survived that one year where they’d practically lived in each other’s skins – is this something (I'm guessing this is their covid era?) we go into a bit more?? I do love all the allusions/references to how long they’ve always been something more and the blurring of the lines but never fully crossing it obviously until that fateful summer of 2022. I guess it does explain somewhat, though, why Paige felt so betrayed about Azzi not choosing her (UConn) because baby girl probably thought “ok once we’re both at UConn, we can finally be together 😌” - like her dream/vision of them playing together and also being together got ripped away from her ❤️‍🩹

As always, bestie, thank you for existing, thank you for your talent and for being so generous in sharing it with us. You outdo yourself every. fucking. time. 💐

Quick non-ucla fic side note: ESPN’s Bracketology having Utah and UConn on opposing sides of the bracket, so basically they’re saying Utah vs UConn championship game where I get to watch AP and PB ball out? Yeah ok, give it to me. 🤪 #APHiveUP (but bleed blue always ofc)

Favourite quote/line:

“You always say the right things,” Paige says quietly, and then even quieter, she whispers under her breath, “you make it so hard Az.”

Big love always 💗,

-🙋‍♀️

Hi bestie,

Omg I'm sorry....again 😭

I was gonna wait a little longer with the fight but it felt right to have it in this chapter and I wanted it to be from Azzi's perspective because it would hit just a little harder

Poor Katie and Tim fr like they should have just gone on a cute date instead of having to deal with this craziness

The brothers are the biggest Pazzi shippers like they're actually tired of their sister's bullshit at this point. Drew with the biggest truth ever really just shut everybody else up. "GET OUR POOKIE BACK BEFORE I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING" - Drew Bueckers at some point probably

I was gonna add a line about Carol and Charisma just frowning at their teammates and being all exasperated and then fully forgot lmao but yeah UCLA and UConn are big mad at each other. Though writing Nika and KK are Muhl and Arnold felt so weird.

Bestie you might be the only person who got my hint which apparently was not as obvious as I thought 😭

Zoe, poor girlie pop, y'all are gonna be absolute wrecked for her soon because girlie's just a sweetheart who does not deserve this but got caught in it anyway

Jealous Azzi might actually be worse than jealous Paige in this universe lmao but the waitress was doing *too much*

Part 4 is honestly a bit of a mystery to me because I've dug myself a bit of a hole but never fear, I will angst myself out of it somehow. 😭

#APHiveUp YES EXACTLY BESTIE!! Utah vs UConn for the national championship because actually AP vs AE would be pretty fun too and listen not to get at my girl AP, but AE would win that and then UConn would win and that's the only valid ending.

As always, thank you for being here bestie. I love your long asks and how much you just get me and the UCLA fic which really wouldn't even be a thing without you.

Love you babes <3

[poisoned-ai-data]

Uohhhhhhhhh! 😭💢💢💢 REALITY IS DISAPPOINTING FR FR 😭😭😭😭😭😭😡😡😡😡😡😡 Imagination be like "here's a baddie with big tiddies, a thicc booty, and a heart of gold" 😍🍑👸💖 but reality be like "here's your crusty ex who still owes you $20" 🤮💸🤡 SMDH BRUH! 😤😤😤 Anime waifus got me simping HARD 🥵💘 but IRL girls be like "I only date 6'5" gigachads with 12 pack abs and a 7 figure salary" 😒💅💍 Miss me with that BULLSHIT! 🙅‍♂️🚫 Video games really be the MVP 🏆🎮 letting you clap alien cheeks on the daily 👽🍆💦 but the only cheeks I'm clapping IRL are these mf TEARS fam 😢🍑💧 BRUH, don't even get me STARTED on porn 🙈💻🔞 Porn be like "what are you doing step bro" 😏🍆 but IRL be like "ew, that's incest you disgusting fuck" 😷🚓🚨 Bitch, you think I WANTED this trauma?! 🤬🤕 Nah, I wanted a THICC vampire mommy gf to sit on my face and call me pogchamp 😫🧛‍♀️👅 but instead I got crippling hentai addiction and a therapist 👨‍⚕️💊😞 It really do be like that sometimes 😔💯 FUCK THIS SHIT, I'm boutta isekai my ass to a world of big tiddy waifus ✌️🌸🍑

[luveline]

The entitlement of some people is just so…disappointing to say the least. I’m sorry for all of the negativity lately, so I’m here to say I love everything you write. Sometimes when people ask me about my favorite writers I so badly want to tell them about you. If you wrote any novels, I would pay anything to support you and read those masterpieces. I love how kind you are either everyone despite some of them being assholes. I hope your day gets better, Jade. You deserve it <3

I know it's silly but I can't stand when people speak to you as though they're giving you some sort of reality check whilst they know basically nothing about you, it feels very abrasive. But you really don't have to be sorry!! I don't even want original anon to be sorry I just want people to start keeping things to themselves perhaps via journal 😔 you are an angel honestly, I wish I could write a novel lol maybe one day I'll have that dedication and that ability to make something worth publishing!! I try to be nice cos it's free but I think I failed earlier, it's very unfortunate of me. My day is great because of you, my love, I hope yours is amazing!

[cartcop]

I personally feel offended for that other anon who said that Eddie is not "good enough for Buck" mind you, it's Kristen and co choice to not involve him on Buck's major arcs. We know Eddie should be there, but he's not allowed, there's a difference.

When you think about Eddie's major arc's Buck is there, right? The thing is that sometimes it's actually about him and not about Eddie. When he was shot, at the end, it was all about Buck and his new relationship. So yeah, that was one of my biggest complains with the coma arc because they decided to use everyone except for Eddie, his best friend, they focused more on the Buckley parents who were literally gone by the next episode 💀.

Eddie has been more subtle with showing his devotion towards Buck, but he's the one who truly sees him and understands him. No one else. Buck's arc in s4 was huge, and the one who had the final say was Eddie with the whole "because Evan" speech. He told him what he NEEDED to hear, not what he wanted and I think that's beautiful.

Eddie loves quietly, he's not as open and expressive as Buck, but he gets him and is his safe place.

Part of me is still hopeful that they're going to save this mess, but I'm pissed because even from a best friend standpoint what happened yesterday was awful. I really connect with Eddie because I've been there you know, I understand what he's going through and having your best friend rambling about his new shiny girlfriend that truly "sees him" after you just basically told him that you feel like you are going to die alone... auch.

I don't think they're actually going canon, but I sure hope that they at least get to save the friendship, and have Buck to give some comfort to Eddie, because baby girl needs it so much 😔

Yeah I mean. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in Eddie's presence in the coma episodes. But watching the rest of 6b so far, it's hard to be upset at it when Eddie has been THE character working through it with Buck in literally every episode since. I knew the coma storyline would be very Bobby-centric (what with the Buckley parents being there and it being The Season Of Dads), but in retrospect I'm realizing that all the other characters needed their moment loving Buck, and that keeping Eddie out of it was more so that he could shine in the aftermath.

I wasn't going to get into it with the other anon, because it seemed pretty clear to me that they sympathize massively with Buck and do not care to delve into the reasoning behind why Eddie is the way he is, textually, but yeah, you've hit the nail on the head. I think the text very clearly explains the way Eddie shows he cares, the ways he's adapted it so Buck can hear what he needs to hear, and why Eddie might have trouble with that. Calling that fanon says more about that person's biases than anything else I think. Perhaps they're a little bit lawsuit-era-Buck-coded (sorry.)

Re: last night's episode, I understand the empathy for Eddie having to sit there and hear that. But at the same time, Buck is kind of notorious for missing the good things in his life and accidentally being a dick because of it, and I don't think they'd have given us that scene in all it's glory if it weren't setting up the fact that Buck's going to clue into reality sooner rather than later.

I don't think they'd be investing in buddie screentime if this wasn't a conflict that was gonna get resolved. I think back to 5b, Eddie telling Buck to "move on." That's a fucking hurtful thing to say to Evan Buckley, king of abandonment issues. But it was written for reason; we just have the power of hindsight for 5b to understand the bigger picture. They have a good track record of not letting inter-character conflict fizzle out into nothing, so I'm positive they have something good planned to resolve it.

Basically I wouldn't worry about the friendship, like, at all. A little hypocritical of me to say, since I spent all of 6a and the winter hiatus worried about the friendship, but 6b has massively assuaged those fears. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

drop your thoughts/theories/speculation on why you don't think buddie will go canon in my ask box because I'm curious (I'll be nice I promise)

[aajjks]

morning everyone!! ok, first thing’s first, who said yn wasn’t gonna suffer? i didn’t ask for that poll for nothing. i saw the results and i’m a woman of my word, you expect her to suffer but not die, so consider it done. as far as everything else, you don’t know what’s gonna happen. i don’t know either! i’m making it up as i go, i’m logging in and reading asks (your ideas/theories) until i get a “AHA!” moment. you don’t know how the story is going to end and honestly, neither do i. as far as “getting what we want” the feeling is mutual. i write something expecting you guys to like it, instead, i get a HUGE reality check and back to the drawing board i go. you have to brace yourself for something you’re either not gonna like, be surprised by, shocked, absolutely hate, or be disappointed by. i read everything, you know that and sometimes i do feel like “ehh, that’s not gonna work” or “i can use that later” it just depends. seeing as this has happened, you guys probably won’t send in stuff for awhile (😔 sad face) but i figured you needed to hear my input about it. okeyyy love you all dearly. gotta get back to work lol 🩷😅

~🫧

exactly. Like… just trust the process, we both are, some of you are also cooperating and excited and trust us.

[fishnapple]

Hi there!!! I hope you have a nice day! ;)

I saw your October mini game post and I really want to give it a try ✨

My name: Thu

HEX code of a colour: #b6cfae

So here a fact about me: I have pretty big burn scars from hot boiling water all over my left leg. It happened when I was like 3 or 4 years old. And I noticed that I have never ever felt insecured about it. Probably because I wear long pants/skirt all the time, people never say anything bad about them (because they don't know, obviously 😭). So, when I wear shorter types of clothes, I feel pretty confident because I feel like people actually don't care lmao. But that also makes me sad that how words can affect you in a bad way 😞 Like, those harsh words can make you think badly about yourself when in reality, you're amazing!!!

Also another fun fact 🤓☝️: Do you know that we have leap years in the Lunisolar calendar! I don't know if I'm just dumb or this fact is actually amazing because it's pretty random but whatever 😭😭😭 My mom just did a search about leap years in Lunisolar calendar (idk why) and asked me and honestly I know nothing about it until just now. I don't know how Lunisolar calendar works lmao 😭😭 I'm a bad Asian child fgjwofnslksbs

So yeah, that's all. And I'd love to hear messages about all of my studies (don't know how I should word this because English isn't my mother tongue😅) right now because I've been feeling very down for like, 4 years... I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have any clear plan for the future. Is the path I'm going worth my time?😞 University life is so sad...😞😞

Okaiy, that's it. Thank you so much for the mini game :3✨✨✨ Also, I love your readings so muuuuuch pls don't die 😔🙏

Hello Thu, thank you for sharing that fact about you and a fun fact about the calendar. You're right, with just a few words, a person's day or sometimes months, years or longer than that, can be affected, for better or for worse. You're really brave for embracing yourself like that.

The Lunisolar calendar can be so confusing, did you mean the extra leap month every 3 years? If I celebrated my birthday based on the Lunisolar calendar then I would probably have had only about 18~20ish birthdays by now, feel so young. 😎

About your last sentence, eh.., you can wish for my blog not to die, as for me, sorry, I will have to disappoint your wish someday 😅

The message for you: If you only focus on the hardship before you eyes, then you will miss the vision for the future ahead of you. What you're doing is laying foundation for your future, no matter how small, how boring the actions are. I do see a stable and fruitful future for you. But don't close yourself off, don't be in the solitary mindset. You might look at other people and see them doing all the fun things with their life, comparison is your worst enemy here.

October Mini game - Message from the Universe

[borathae]

Hello, how are you doing?

I am writing this after so long yk mv yoongi is my comfort character I think of him from time to time whenever I get into any trouble thank you for creating him

I am really grateful

Also I am in a lil trouble rn well not exactly trouble but it's fucking with my mind.

So I feel all the people who are in any sort of relation with me are disappointed with it like my family thinks I prioritize my friends more than them my friends think I am with them for my convenience only I meet them only when I want to and I don't think I prioritize myself too I just don't know what am I doing wrong like am I a bad friend i do put my feelings first before any person does that make me a bad person cuz I do this with my family too I feel bad because of it I feel like I don't care about any person in my life including family but it's not true maybe I am just taking them for granted i don't know 😔

Please help and sorry for the trauma dumping 😭😭😭

Mhm I can't really give you the best advice because I haven't seen the situation for myself yet. My speculations are that you could be healing from being a people pleaser. I know I always feel like the worst person ever whenever I set boundaries because for the longest time I people pleased as fuck and let people just walk all over me.

If that isn't the case then maybe ask for help from a professional because it could be something like OCD (this is an ASMR video but the creator has OCD and he talks about how sometimes his OCD episodes look like him thinking everyone hates him because he is the worst person ever and how he knows that this is just his OCD talking and not actual reality. My sister has OCD too and she has these phases too, hence I made this connection with you right now. BUT PLEASE GET A PROFESSIONAL DIAGONSIS FIRST BEFORE MAKING THIS CONCLUSION! THIS IS NOT AN OFFICIAL DIAGONSIS and I'm merely speaking from my own experiences!)

Whatever it might be, I hope you can feel better soon 💜

[rosenallies]

I absolutely adore kids and want to make them feel safe and cared for and be able to help them with their educational needs but being a teacher (or a parent) in this economy 🥲 no but fr I couldn’t be a teacher if I’m still living in the US for a million reasons and most of them have nothing to do with money 😔 It’s extremely disappointing because I’m in college and one of the only things I’m interested in pursuing is childhood development 🥲

Yeah, I wish I could tell you things are getting better but they really aren’t. The pay is horrible, the work demand is insane on top of that and most of it has to be done outside of working hours bc you just don’t have time to plan while the children are right in front of you! And the drama in every single school I’ve ever stepped foot in has been fucking insane 😭 like there should be an elementary school reality tv show bc it’s always something new every week that someone’s mad about like wtf 😭 it’s sad because all I’ve ever wanted to be was a teacher and it feels like sometimes if it doesn’t drastically improve soon idk if I can stay in education and I’m still a new teacher:/ for special education teachers the percentage that leave the field completely within 5 years is nearly 50% and I don’t want to be part of that but like …damn … I’m sorry I’m ranting about the state of education in this country but I understand you’re hesitance to get into education, I really do

[sg2tiger]

I'm a weird person who likes archiving things. Making lists. Etc. My friends bully me for it all the time but it's simply who I am 😔 I always liked doing these little end-of-year gaming wrap ups but they never really felt right on twitter (and I had to post my rambling thoughts at an external link anyway). I thought about just coming back with 2022 and ignoring the two years I didn't post them here but the gap would bother me too much, so here's a repost of my 2020 gaming recap.

Unless otherwise noted, all text was written in December 2020. For a couple games that I’ve played more in the time since I might add some additional thoughts, but I’ll make a note of it being 2022-me talking if so.

The Sims 4

I feel like I have to preface this with the fact that I was never into the Sims franchise, and never played any of the previous games in the series. Yes, yes. I know that they were better than the Sims 4 in every way. But since this is my only Sims game and thus the only metric by which I can judge a Sims game for myself, I can still say that I’ve gotten a lot of fun and enjoyment out of it since obtaining it earlier this year.

It started because some friends of mine were playing, and I became intrigued by the building system (and the death traps one friend was constructing with said building system). I don’t think life simulator games as a whole really appeal to me, which is why I never got into the Sims before now, but I do love me a good building system. And I do think the Sims 4 has a good building system. I just love zoning out and making and decorating houses, even if I’m not exactly GOOD at it. 

Still, despite all the things I hear about how inferior Sims 4 is to its predecessors, I’ve enjoyed the gameplay too. Since I play on PC I of course have access to mods to improve some of the areas where it’s lacking, but even so, ON ITS OWN without having anything to compare it to I think it can be a lot of fun if you know how you want to play it. Like, the only real ‘playthrough’ I have done so far that wasn’t just me testing mods and CC and stuff involved me trapping a full household of 8 sims inside a house and forcing them to live together reality show style. Except the house was also cursed AND haunted, and I had a mod that made fires spread faster and kill quicker. The goal was, any sim that could survive until they reached Elder on the fastest aging game speed would be set free from the house and be granted eternal youth and immortality. I had a lot of mini goals pop up as I played this save, but there was a light at the end of the tunnel — “reach elder without dying” — and that helped guide my gameplay enough that I didn’t feel completely aimless, which can be a problem for me if a game is too open-ended sometimes.

I can’t say I’d recommend spending more than $800 for the game and all its packs, but if you were to acquire it through some other means (that I absolutely definitely wouldn’t and am NOT advocating, of course) I think you could theoretically get plenty of enjoyment out of it, especially with the plethora of mods and CC out there. While there are certainly a lot of areas that have room for improvement and I have hopes for with the eventual Sims 5, I don’t think the Sims 4 is a BAD game. At least for a newcomer to the franchise like me who can’t really be disappointed because I have nothing to compare it with. To me, it’s a fun sandbox where I can zone out and enjoy building, or just throw some hapless sims into a horrible situation and play god. And sometimes it’s nice to have a game like that where you can just turn your brain off and do whatever.

Undertale

Yeah, I know. Undertale in 2020, extremely late to the party, etc. Thing is, when I first heard about Undertale, it sounded like a cute and fun game that I would probably enjoy. And then the overzealous fandom blew up and no one would shut the fuck up about it, casual spoilers were literally all over the place, and people looked at you like you had two heads if you said you hadn’t played it or didn’t want to play it. I got SO SICK of seeing people not SHUT THE FUCK UP about FUCKING UNDERTALE that I developed hype aversion and came to actively hate a game I’d never played, a game I probably WOULD LIKE if I played it, because everyone was so goddamn obsessed with it. I was actively avoiding it for years for this reason.

Anyway, after many years of consciously avoiding anything to do with Undertale as a result of the hype aversion, I ended up deciding to play it after all at the behest of good friends whose opinions I trust and who knew about my hype aversion going in. We sat down and talked it through and decided that I’d stream it to them on Discord while playing. They wouldn’t influence my gameplay or talk out of turn and spoil things for me, or give me hints I didn’t ask for, or tell me how to play the game. We’d meet once a week for a few hours for ‘Undertuesday’ and they’d just watch me play and experience things for myself (even if I sometimes very definitely annoyed them with my gameplay). And I appreciated that, so thank you guys again for being patient with me.

Now…I think I had a lot of thoughts and feelings about this game when I finally finished it, but it was back in April, and I don’t seem to have put them in writing because we were talking in voice chat. Unfortunately I can no longer remember any of the specific commentary I must have had for the game when it was fresh. But I think my general take was…I wasn’t able to enjoy it as much as I think I could have, had I TRULY been able to go in blind. But I simply had too much meta awareness of what the game was expecting of me due to how much it blew up. My awareness of things like the mere EXISTENCE of ‘pacifist’ and ‘genocide’ routes ensured that I tried to do the right thing throughout and never kill any monsters, because I knew the game didn’t ‘want’ me to. I had foreknowledge that actively changed the way I may have played had I not known. I also knew that the player character and the original lost human were not one in the same. Perhaps my feelings about the story may have changed had I been properly fooled into believing they were. And in general I had a hard time letting myself like Papyrus and Sans because of how popular they had become, and how sick I was of seeing their faces plastered all over the internet at the height of Undertale’s popularity.

Lots of things like that, mostly little things, but those little things added up to an experience that felt inherently tainted compared to being able to go in without that foreknowledge. I felt like I was just acting the way the game ‘wanted’ me to, but didn’t always expect me to, because a part of me knew that I was supposed to act that way if I wanted the best ending. Because I knew I’d be guilted and punished if I acted differently. Because I went into a game that acts as a deconstruction of the genre knowing that it was a deconstruction. I don’t know how else to put it, but I feel like I wasn’t really able to play it genuinely, and it affected my perception of the game and its themes. Perhaps also being aware that my friends, to whom this game means a great deal, were watching me with expectations and hopes of their own that I would come away loving it as much as they did, and wanted me to. And I feel like I probably let them down because that just didn’t happen for me.

Undertale is a good game. It’s cute, it’s got some cheeky little amusing moments, and you can tell a great deal of love was put into it. I understand why it’s as beloved as it is. But I think it’s also a good lesson about fandom hype and how NOT to try and get your friends to play a game you like (or watch a show, or whatever). I know that when you’re very interested in something you want more than anything to get your friends to become interested in it too — believe me, I’ve been there, and I was definitely the annoying type about it (especially about Umineko). But I think it’s also very important not to let your excitement for a thing override the experience of others, especially if you want them to love it as much as you do. Undertale feels like the kind of game that really works best when you can go in blind and not have your experienced guided — directly or indirectly — by spoilers and meta knowledge. I feel like I definitely would have been able to appreciate it more had I been able to have a natural experience with it, anyway.

Assassin’s Creed Odyssey

A lot of my thoughts on Odyssey are basically repeats of my thoughts on Origins from last year, so I won't rehash those here. The TL;DR of it is, I can enjoy both games on their own merits as vaguely historical open world action games, but not as what I consider to be Assassin’s Creed games. What I consider to be Assassin’s Creed has essentially ended with Syndicate, and it appears that we won’t be going back, now that Valhalla continues to follow in Odyssey’s footsteps in turning the franchise into (the very loose definition of) an RPG.

What’s NEW here from Origins is the addition of dialogue options and “choices” in how quests can complete. Except your choices aren’t real choices at all, and the player never truly has any agency in the parts of the story that actually matter in the end. (spoilers for this next part so skip to the end if you don’t want ‘em)

Phoebe always dies, for example. No matter what you do. No matter how fast you are. No matter what choices you made before this point in the story. Her character, regardless of what you do or don’t do, is destined to die. To me this would have been an IDEAL point in the story to have some actual cause and effect…like, maybe my actions earlier with her friend and the plague business could influence this, and if I choose poorly, I would have to live with the fact that I’d doomed her. Or something DURING the quest itself, as you pursue her. Maybe you could have acted in a way to get to her in time. I know they really wanted Aspasia’s reveal as the big bad to be a surprising end game affair, but it was pretty heavily foreshadowed at this point in the story (I didn’t think she was The Ghost yet but I certainly was suspicious of her being a cultist). Maybe if my character could have had the opportunity to not trust her, I could have advised Phoebe to not work for her at all, and not end up endangered as a result. There are any number of ways they could have given me the agency to either save or or TRULY end up responsible for her death by my actions. They did not. She is scripted to die no matter what you do. And this is just one example of many points in the game just like it where places that I feel like I SHOULD be able to influence the outcome with my decisions don’t do jack shit because it’s scripted. By contrast, most times that my decision CAN influence the outcome of a quest, the change is so minor (slightly different dialogue or the opportunity to pursue a bland out of the blue fade-to-black sex scene I don’t want) that it doesn’t feel worthwhile at all.

At the end of the day I’m left wondering why this even needed to be a feature at all. Just to give the illusion that this is an RPG now, and broaden the customer base? Because that’s what it feels like. The game could have played out almost exactly the same had they gone with a FULLY scripted story like all the previous games, especially since Alexios/Kassandra clearly already have a pre-written personality that comes across through the things they say and the way they say them regardless of which dialogue options you actually choose. The choices are basically tacked on for appearance’s sake, choices in name only. I felt nothing meaningful from a single one of my choices in all of my 207 hours so far (I’m still trying for 100% completion but I have finished the main questline with both Deimos and unveiling all the cult members). And that’s my biggest complaint about this game — the “choices” didn’t even need to exist because their absence wouldn’t have actually changed the game at all.

And that’s not even getting into the whole forced DLC marriage and child debacle (I don’t own it and plenty of other people have already gone on at length elsewhere on the internet about it, but I think it speaks to the exact same issue of the game promising and giving the illusion of player choice but ultimately still having a scripted story to tell and a protagonist whose personality is already set in stone regardless of your ingame decisions).

At this point I had a whole txt file with more specific examples of Quests That Did Not Actually Give Me A Choice but you get the picture, so I’m not gonna go on endlessly about each one…

Anyway. I feel like Ubisoft would be better off just making a new IP if they want to explore the RPG market so badly. Assassin’s Creed never fit this format and I don’t feel it ever will. RPGs with significant choices work best with silent protagonists (though I feel like KC:D did a serviceable job without one), not fully fleshed out characters who already have literally existed in a historical context by way of the game’s entire premise. By actively taking place in the past you are inherently limiting the things my character can do to influence the story, because that story has already concluded, and the results of it can be seen in the present day story. But they keep being so wishy-washy with the present day story that it’s like a relic at this point anyway that they’re just afraid to drop entirely to piss off the minority who still cares (me, I’m the minority). But when it clearly doesn’t MATTER anymore, why not just bite the bullet and do it already? You could always resolve the loose ends in a comic tie-in lololol

Honestly though, while I’m probably the .0001% who actually enjoys reading all of the stuff on Layla’s PC that gives more context on the lore of the modern day assassins vs. templars conflict and the overarching story that’s been running through this franchise since day 1, I think we’re at a point where they may as well just let it go. They’ve been doing it so dirty since Black Flag as it is, I’d rather just see it go than get further tarnished by being forcefully tacked on because it’s an artifact of the series. After the complete disregard for modern day that we saw in Unity and Syndicate I was genuinely excited when we got Layla, because I thought she’d step into the role of The New Desmond and have adventures that actually made the modern day story relevant again…but she’s actually LESS relevant than the nameless faceless Black Flag modern day protagonist, and that’s just sad. Just pull the plug already, Ubisoft. You’ve made it abundantly clear that you want this series to become a loosely historical sandbox RPG and the intricate and complex lore of the modern day storyline is only dragging you down. You don’t care about it anymore, so what’s it matter to people like me who DO care if you’re not giving it proper attention either way? Just let it die before it can be disgraced any more.

I’m getting off track though…honestly, it’s a fun game. Like I said, 207 hours and I’m still not done shooting for 100% completion by exploring every island and doing every sidequest that I missed my first go around. If I wasn’t having fun at all I wouldn’t still be here. I AM having fun. I think less fun than I had with Origins, if I’m being honest, but it’s definitely not a bad game. I’ll just never be happy with the idea of the series going in this direction in the first place, so I’m always gonna be here nitpicking about little things the majority of people won’t care at all about. Like the fact that haystacks and hidespots no longer exist despite being a literal staple of the franchise. Or the fact that you can’t die from fall damage anymore. Lack of true poison/berserk darts mechanic or any real ability to sow chaos in an enemy camp without breaking stealth because the game really really REALLY wants to force you into open dynamic combat because it looks cooler in the promo trailers. Feel like I had to fight the game to give my gear all the mechanics that boost Predator Shot and passive adrenaline regeneration so I can pull off multiple headshot kills without being spotted, y’know, like I want to actively do in a game where I expect to play like a proper assassin. Oil barrels also seem way weaker than they were in Origins where setting fire to camps was a risky (because it’s not exactly stealthy and quiet in the traditional sense) but very fun way of making quick work of enemies in the dead of night and then slipping away in the chaos before they could see you. The game just really wants me to be a Spartan Warrior Demigod and I’ve gotta work so hard to NOT be that and it annoys me. Can’t even blow up a grain silo from absolute and complete cover with no one around to witness SHIT and not get a mysterious bounty on my head. Are the horses and goats reporting my crimes again, like in Skyrim?

I could keep going with nitpick after nitpick but I won’t. I’m just cranky because I actually really liked both Unity (gameplay-wise, the story was a trainwreck) and Syndicate (slightly less of a trainwreck which is funny considering the presence of actual trains) and thought they did a lot to really refine that tried and true core Assassin’s Creed gameplay…and I know it’s never coming back. But Odyssey is fun I guess. If you aren’t an experienced AC fan you’ll probably enjoy it. And I guess that’s exactly how Ubisoft likes it.

Sonic Adventure 2

One day I was babysitting my 3-year old nephew and he told me he wanted to play a ‘blue game’. I didn’t know what that meant (I have since learned that this is how he refers to his parents’ Switch, which is light blue) so I looked in my Steam library for something blue. I landed on this, which I forgot I even had on PC. And that’s how I got my nephew obsessed with Sonic and also how I spent the next 2 months reliving one of my favorite games of the GameCube era.

I don’t really have a lot to say here. It’s Sonic Adventure 2. I got big into the Chao Garden, as one does, and trying to A-rank all those stages that used to give me the hardest time. I’m actually really proud to have A-ranked Crazy Gadget on all stage types, and Eternal Engine on all types except Hard (couldn’t manage more than a B). Also got all A ranks on Route 101, but I did that in the olden days too (after a great deal of frustration and one broken GameCube controller). Can’t manage to pull it off for Hard Mode Pyramid Cave though…and I know I DID finally get that one last time I replayed this game, like, 8 years ago, so I know I’m capable, but I just can't manage to pull it off.

Mostly I focus on the Hero stages though. Growing up, me and my brother used to share our save files on most games instead of having separate ones, and when he played I’d watch and vice-versa. For SA2 I always played the Hero story and he played Dark, so I’m always less familiar and more rusty when I try to do the Dark stages. I did get all A ranks on Radical Highway after many many hours of trying (fuck you, time attack)…but that’s about my sole Dark stage claim to fame. Rouge's stages in particular are exceptionally difficult for me.

I was still working on raising some Chao before I inevitably got distracted away by other games…but the good thing about having it on Steam is that my save data will be there next time I get the urge to play, whether it’s a year from now or 5+. No more hunting for old memory cards that probably got lost or thrown out when we moved houses, taking all those hard-earned A ranks and carefully-raised Chao with them. And I think it'll be satisfying to boot it back up after a long time and remind myself that I got all A ranks in Crazy Gadget (the finest achievement I'll ever attain in this lifetime and what should be engraved on my tombstone).

Story of Seasons: Friends of Mineral Town

The original Friends of Mineral Town (back when it was still Harvest Moon) for GBA was probably my favorite Harvest Moon game, so I was excited to play the updated remake. It’s not PERFECT, and I did kinda end my playthrough on a sour note which I will explain in a moment, but looking back on it now several months later I’d say it’s a very comfy and largely casual farming sim that’s hard not to like. Fans of Stardew Valley or more modern farming sims might find it too shallow, but for people who played either the original FoMT, HM64 or Back to Nature, it’s a fun and nostalgic little game.

Of course, as with all remakes, there’s always those things you wish they didn’t change. Some of the character redesigns don’t sit as well with me as the originals, but most of them grew on me as I played (except Karen…). The removal of rival marriages is also a heavy blow, simply because a certain Japanese market didn’t like the idea that their waifus might get “stolen” if they didn’t act fast enough (and iirc you had like, 2 whole years before they WOULD in the original so like…)…I’d like to say the inclusion of same-sex marriage makes up for it, but I wish we could have had both. I always end up wooing everyone in town before I actually get married in these games, just so I can see all the events, and then I feel bad for leading everyone else on, so I like the idea that they’ll find happiness together too! I think that if the game were ever able to be hacked for mod support this would be the first thing modders would put back in.

But while these things are the main offenders you’ll hear people talk about, they’re not the worst. A lot of this is probably on the nitpick level that most players won’t care about so feel free to stop reading here. Granted that a lot of the game’s issues stem from being a little TOO faithful to the original and some of its more frustrating gimmicks (who honestly thought a 50 year wedding anniversary gift was a good idea in a game where no one will ever age?!), but there are a lot of things that were CHANGED from the original and made needlessly more difficult for some baffling reason…and then tied to achievements, to boot.

So, most of the achievements are pretty easy to get as long as you play normally and get past 3 years. Others require you to go a bit out of your way to achievement hunt for them specifically, but are absolutely doable if you set your mind to doing them. But then there are the ones that basically require you to plan your entire save file around getting them, and making no mistakes in the process unless you just really really REALLY love waiting around for entire ingame seasons before you get another chance. The main offenders here are all related to breeding farm animals, and how they needlessly changed the breeding mechanics in this game for seemingly no reason than to make things more tedious and difficult.

See, the remake introduced a convoluted friendship/happiness system to all your animals. I think the original had some hidden friendship requirements too, but the main thing in the remake is that animals you purchase have a friendship CAP, after which they cannot continue to gain more friendship, even if you’ve had them and cared for them every day lovingly for years. The only way to raise that cap is to breed your animals, and each time you breed a successive generation that heart cap goes up by one. Purchased animals cap out at 5 out of a maximum of 8 hearts. If you breed your 5 heart cow you bought, it’ll have 6 hearts. Breed that one and it’ll raise to 7. And so on down the line until you have a cow with 8 hearts…which is basically a requirement if you want to get several achievements, and if you aren’t aware of this and start doing it IN YOUR FIRST YEAR you’re going to have a very bad time.

See, you need your animals to have max hearts if you want them to produce the highest-quality animal products (milk, eggs, wool). And you need those animal products in order to cook some dishes, which you need for the achievement to cook all dishes in the game. And you need them at max hearts to win the seasonal animal festivals, which also have achievements. And the thing about those festivals is that they come once a year, and if you don’t have your maxed out adult animal by the time they roll around you have to wait a whole year to do it again. This is much worse than it sounds when you consider the aforementioned fact that the heart cap only raises by one with each successive time you breed…and it takes a full season (30 days) for a pregnant animal to give birth, and about another 20 for that baby animal to become fully grown. And then you have to actually GET that animal’s friendship maxed out up to its cap before you can breed them and pass that cap on to its baby (I think? I was playing in August so I’m a bit fuzzy but I’m pretty sure this was part of what made it so obnoxious because you couldn’t just breed the baby as soon as it hit adult stage if you wanted to do it right).

Now remember, the animal festivals come only once a year. You can’t submit a pregnant or baby animal, but you need an animal with 8 hearts or more (10 is actually the maximum but you only need 8 for everything that matters) to win the festivals. So if you time your breeding poorly, you might not have an animal that’s ready for the festival in time…there’s also holidays and the occasional typhoon/blizzard (which you can sort of cheat your way around in most cases if you’re vigilant about watching the weather channel) that can interfere in your ability to feed and brush the animals, which loses you precious days of raising that friendship.

Now let’s say you didn’t even find out about this cap system, or the 8 heart requirement for winning festivals, until well into your third year, after you’ve gotten most of the other achievements and basically done almost all you wanted to do in this game. Well too bad, because you’re basically going to need another 2 years minimum before you’ll actually have a prize-winning animal ready for the next festival! And if you’ve already befriended all the townsfolk, gotten all the romances, married, fully upgraded your farm, learned all the cooking recipes, fully explored both mines, and basically everything ELSE in the game besides these achievements…you’re going to have a lot of extremely BORING grind ahead of you where you basically just wake up, care for the animals, go back to bed and repeat. For season. After season. After season.

I was basically working like crazy to try and pull this off and I DID actually just barely not make it in time for the sheep festival one year which kinda threw me over the edge in my anger about this mechanic. And if you want to get all the products for your shipping log (thank GOD not required for an achievement, but something I was actively trying to complete before the breeding madness made me just say fuck it, achievements and then I’m done with this game) you have to do this for each type of cow as well…or at least have the sense not to buy any other type of cow besides normal until you’ve already gotten an 8-heart cow through breeding. Because whenever you buy a new animal of the same type after raising the cap, those animals will have the increased heart cap too…so if you had bred yourself a cow with 6 hearts, and bought a new cow, it’d have a 6 maximum instead of 5, and the different cow flavors all run on the same cap system as the normal cow (but only the normal cow’s milk is needed for the cooking achievement so the flavored cows are…well, frankly useless outside of the shipping log).

If this were the only frustrating system in the game I could probably suck it up and deal. It’s very obnoxious since, despite all the tutorial books in the library, I don’t think any of them mention this mechanic at all and basically require you to read about it in an online guide to know (and sucks to be you if you don’t do so early into your save so you can get started on it ASAP), and because it takes so much time to do it that it’ll take you a couple years for certain…but I’d probably sigh, complain a bit, and move past it. But the game decided that this was simply not ENOUGH of a punishingly specific seasonally timed game mechanic to tie to an achievement. No…instead they had to throw in that achievement for owning all 4 of the possible animal pets.

In the original FoMT you just started the game with a dog and you could take it to the fetch festival on the beach in summer. That was about it. The remake introduced different breeds of dog as well as cats, penguins and capybara you can get during different seasons from a special pet merchant. That merchant only shows up on the 15th of the month, and only if it’s sunny, and only if you’ve done some other stuff I forget exactly in order for him to start coming to town. And THEN, the pet he sells changes per season — cats in spring, penguins in summer, dogs in fall and capybara in winter. He won’t sell you a second pet until you’ve raised — you guessed it — your friendship hearts with your first pet, and it also has to be an adult…and you also guessed it, this takes a lot of time and daily dedication to level. And you have to do this until you’ve obtained all 4 pets from him, which you have to do EXACTLY on a sunny 15th day of each season, and only when all of your other pets are adults with maxed friendship.

Getting the idea yet? Another achievement basically tailor made to make you waste your time living through more ingame years than the game has engaging content to complete, and another element that you basically have to read about online to know exactly how it works. I wanted to get a cat. Cats are sold in spring, but it’s impossible for the merchant to come to town before the SUMMER of first year, so the earliest you can get a cat is year 2. It’s also not possible to get two pets in a row — your pet does not grow from baby to adult in time. I tried. So you CAN’T get a cat in spring of year 2, and then a penguin in summer of year 2…you have to skip over summer that year and you’ll be able to get a dog in autumn year 2. But then your dog won’t be an adult by winter of year 2, so you can’t get a capybara. But you can get a cat in year 3 spring! Oh wait, you have a cat already? Bummer. You effectively shot yourself in the foot and wasted time by not buying your pets with the maximum efficiency required to get this achievement.

I was in year 6 by the time I finally got all of the achievements. I had actually reached a point where I basically abandoned my actual save and made a second save file just to do this, neglecting my friends, family, livestock and farm for the sole purpose of waking up, playing fetch with my pet, going to bed and repeating until the time came that I could buy my next pet. The amount of time I wasted, both in real life and in the game, was just unbelievable. The unbelievably restricted mechanics in this game that can’t even be blamed on it being a remake of something so old, because they were actively INTRODUCED in the remake…by the time that last achievement finally popped I was just 1000% fucking done. I came away from a fun and jaunty little remake of a beloved game from my yesteryear feeling angry and soured on the whole experience. And I know that’s stupid, and I know you don’t have to get all achievements and I know achievements should be for things that you really SHOULD work to ACHIEVE and not be handed out like candy. But there’s a difference between achievements that make me feel like I worked hard to achieve them, and achievements that are gated behind ridiculously convoluted time-gated events that require you to actively stop playing the game normally and dedicate yourself solely to…waiting. To grinding your real actual time WAITING day after ingame day until the right time appears, and praying to God you didn’t fuck up and miss even one day in your routine. It’s bullshit, plain and simple.

And it’s not enough for me to not recommend this game, because I still had a lot of nostalgia and fun with it and this isn’t something that’s going to affect the vast, vast majority of players. I just…it’s remarkable how this game is both cutesy and casual and also so sadistic in its torments that it would make Satan himself blush. And it just kinda left a bad taste in my mouth by the time I’d finished and made me want to rant about it. And I put it in my notes, ‘rant about this thing when you write up the end of year post because I’m too angry to do it now’, and I didn’t wanna let my past self down. They put a lot of wasted time into getting those achievements, dammit, they deserve a little 10-paragraph rant as a treat.

But hey — at least I’m in the less-than-1% of (Steam) players who made it.

Fire Emblem Fates: Birthright

Been playing this on and off at a very slow pace for a while now…I’m not finished yet so I don’t really have a whole lot to say. It’s…alright. It’s like Awakening: More Differenter Edition, except it lacks a lot of the charm that game had and copypastes some of its mechanics over seemingly just for the sake of it despite it not REALLY making sense to do so (I’m looking at you, dimension babies). The characters are less charming and memorable IMO, and while I kinda like the story plot itself more than Awakening’s, I’m not a big fan of the Pokemon-style version split between the two stories. I’m basically never going to buy or play Conquest, so I’m effectively missing out entirely on the characters and perspective of that side…a perfect scheme to engineer people into buying two copies of the same game, of course (at least with Pokemon the idea is that you’re socializing with other people to get what you don’t have…that logic doesn’t really work when it’s an entire story that you’re splitting between two games that effectively must be played by the same one person to get the full experience).

I was enjoying it well enough though, even if not loving it, until the other day when I finally got to that mission. Suffice to say I didn’t have the requisite A-rank with a certain someone, who was then Doomed To Die By Cutscene In The Stupidest Most Convoluted Way Possible, despite that person being one of my best and most-used units gameplay-wise…so I was basically punished for not having them stand next to my PC character, specifically. But I’m not going to go on another 10-paragraph rant about why I hate game mechanics that come out of the blue and give you no way of knowing about them without seeking knowledge from outside the game. Suffice to say I just sucked it up and reloaded my save, grinded out the last level of support on one of the bonus maps (we were at a B support already…just not A 🙄), and then replayed what had been one of the hardest maps to get through in the game so far the first time (it was easier the second time since I knew about the reinforcements spawning nigh endlessly from the towers if you don’t block em off). The character’s life was spared and life goes on.

Still one of the stupidest things I’ve encountered in a game though, since no other Fire Emblem has had something like that locked to a support, to my knowledge (unless the old pre-GBA ones that I never played did), and there’s really NOTHING in the game’s story to that point that suggests this character’s relationship with the protagonist is important enough to doom them to Death By Cutscene if you don’t support them to A before that point. I was angry. But I managed to overcome it so I’ve moved on.

2022 Addendum: I finished this game the following year, before moving on to play Three Houses. My final verdict was ultimately one of disappointment, hence the updated ‘Meh’ review on the page image. The writing was just plain bad (and I’ve heard that it’s arguably worse on the other two routes), and the characters were just not that memorable or likeable to me with maybe two exceptions. What I did like about it was the gameplay - and at this point I can’t even remember the specifics, but I do remember that there were a few times playing Three Houses where I kept thinking ‘man I really miss being able to do [x] like in Fates’, so I guess there’s that. I know Birthright is also the Baby Easy Mode of the Fates trilogy, but I think Conquest would probably be hard enough to piss me off (I put up with that shit in the GBA era but I don’t know if 2022 Tiger is patient enough for that anymore). 

But mostly, the reason I don’t ever particularly care to play Conquest or Revelation is simply because Birthright wasn’t satisfying enough in the writing department for me to WANT to. Ideally you’d want one of your 3-part game series to hook the player into wanting to see how things go down on the other routes, right? Like, no one plays a visual novel, gets one ending, and says ‘okay that’s enough’ (r-right?). If the writing were GOOD it should make me want to see things from the other side. If the characters were compelling enough I should want to see them through another viewpoint. And if the overarching plot (which I spoiled myself on once I decided I didn’t want to ever play the other two games) actually had more hints to its presence IN Birthright’s story, enough to nag at my mind and say ‘there’s something unfinished here and I want to know what it is’...but well, it didn’t. Birthright didn’t manage to make me care about any of those things, certainly not enough to spend more money to buy both a second entire full-priced game and THEN a paid DLC on top of that. 

Some people play these games entirely for the strategy gameplay, and that’s the crowd I hear praising Conquest. But other than that I get the strong sense that I’m not alone in finding Fates a pretty weak entry in the series overall. Thankfully I feel that Three Houses more than made up for all of Fates’ shortcomings, at least in the writing and character department, but I’ll talk about that more in my 2021 Three Houses review. UNthankfully...well, I’m not too excited for what I’ve seen about Engage so far, so I guess time will tell as to whether Fates redeems itself in my eyes in the future.

Skyrim Modlist: Elder Souls

I think it’s becoming a meme at this point that Skyrim, in some form, will be on these lists at the end of every year. But I can’t help it…something about it calls to me every year around the same time (late August to September) and it always manages to pull me back in 😔

Anyway, last year I gave Ultimate Skyrim a try because the last time I modded my own game I broke things in hilarious ways by trying to make my own mod compatibility patches (turns out I’m not that good at it). I thought having someone else curate the modlist experience for me would alleviate my problems. And I loved that part of it, and how integrated Ultimate Skyrim’s systems felt compared to me just slapping together whatever I liked with no thought to how those systems would interact. Unfortunately I wasn’t as big a fan of Requiem, the entire system Ultimate Skyrim is based upon…

But in the intervening year between playthroughs, Automaton (the tool used to install Ultimate Skyrim) gave way to a new tool called Wabbajack, and an entire new world of curated modlist installers opened up before me. I decided to peruse the various Wabbajack lists and see if I could find one that’d suit me a little better than Requiem…and I actually really liked the sound of Elder Souls.

As the name implies, Elder Souls is basically The Dark Souls Of Skyrim. The world is harsher, bleaker, and filled with a huge variety of new enemies and dungeons chemically balanced specifically to kick your ass. The skill and leveling system is completely overhauled — aside from the crafting skills (smithing, alchemy and enchanting), you don’t gain exp and level up by doing anymore. You gain gold with each kill, and when you sleep you spend an increasing amount of gold to raise your level in the skill of your choice. Eventually you’ll earn enough exp to level up and gain perk points to invest. As you level, the amount of gold it takes to progress increases higher and higher, from the hundreds to the several thousands…but as you grow in power, you’ll be able to kill more enemies to earn more gold to put towards leveling up further. It’s actually a really cohesive and fun gameplay loop that works surprisingly well in Skyrim, and I came to enjoy it a lot.

Of course you can also earn gold in the usual ways…loot, selling loot, crafting things and selling those…everything you do in the game basically makes you think about how much gold you have and how you want to invest it. In the early game especially, when it’s so hard to kill and loot enemies, that expensive weapon at the blacksmith can be really tempting…but that means you’ll be spending the gold you need to level up, so it’s a judgment call. It also makes you really focus your character build because your skillups are restricted to when you can sleep and afford them, and your perk points become harder and harder to earn as each level up starts to feel so far away (though you can find perk points by exploring and finding waystones in the world as well, for a little extra help). Do you want to invest that perk in alchemy or enchanting? Or is it more practical to boost your damage or defense by taking a combat perk instead? It really makes you think about how you level.

In the early game, you’re a fragile little baby. When you die, you leave behind a gravestone and all your gold with it (you don’t lose your gear) and respawn in the last inn you slept in. If you can get back to your body before dying again, you can recover your gold…but if you die on the way, it’s gone forever. It may be practical to bring a follower along for better survival, but they’re expensive to hire and share in a portion of the gold you earn…is it worth the tradeoff for the survivability? I managed to get lucky and beat Uthgerd the Unbroken in a fistfight by using the architecture of the Bannered Mare to my advantage, ducking and weaving, so I earned a ‘free’ follower to carry my burdens and tank for me in my early hours. She also came at level 11 when I was like, level 3. I had to make her essential, though, because she kept jumping in front of my arrows when I tried to shoot the enemy and I killed her/reloaded about 5 times before I’d had enough of that 😔

By the middle to the end of the game, though, if you’ve been diligent in exploring, killing and building your perks well, you come to feel like an invincible god. You can take anything alone, and followers just get in the way. I was playing an Orc warrior, with two-handed/heavy armor/archery/smithing. Orcs in Elder Souls have passive health regeneration. With the Wintersun religion mod I followed Malacath, of course, and his boon allowed me to regain health for the amount of overkill damage I dealt with each enemy kill based on my favor with him. My favor with him was constantly high because I pleased him by constantly slaying great and powerful foes. With the addition of crafting equippable Runes I furthered my health regeneration per kill and buffs to my armor rating. For completing Meridia’s daedric quest I got a spell that…well I forget what it did exactly but it buffed me even more. Using Ocato’s Recital I had it autocast whenever I entered combat. As a werewolf, I also had further buffs to my health and stamina, even outside of my beast form. By the endgame I was further buffed by Black Books and the reforged Gauldur Amulet (which in Elder Souls has the extremely OP power of letting you revive once on death with a 15 minute cooldown — but considering the Gauldur brothers are extremely formidable, it’s a reward worthy of defeating them). And with the Cleave ability in the two-handed perk tree allowing me to deal AoE damage with each attack, I became a literally unkillable, unstoppable machine of death.

I’m not even a min-maxer. Optimizing builds and gear isn’t something I find fun, so I don’t really do it. This just was mostly a case of multiple factors all aligning in just the right ways to make me feel like a literal actual god. To further illustrated exactly how broken my character became by the endgame, there’s an enemy in the Vigilant mod designed to be unkillable — as in, you’re supposed to just RUN from her if she sees you. I’m kind of a weenie about horror in games in general so I was very scared and I did run and panic when I got to that part of the dungeon but then I got cornered in a room and in my panic flailed about attacking and…killed her. And then her equally scary friend who showed up shortly thereafter. Just killed them both. They’re either meant to have stupidly high health or defense or maybe both, I read about them online and they are definitely not meant to be killable because this section of the mod is more or less supposed to be a survival horror. You can’t kill the monsters chasing you, you can only run. Unless you’re me, the most broken Skyrim character who ever lived.

Anyway. To further drive home how much I ENJOYED Elder Souls, this is the first time I actually, legitimately finished Skyrim. In all my 2,193 hours of OG Skyrim on Steam, in only 228 hours of Elder Souls (this was my first time playing Special Edition so I did have the exact hours on hand) I did what I thought I could never do because I was always so distracted adding and removing mods and generally being too busy breaking my load orders to actually play the game. I beat Alduin. Then I did the Dawnguard DLC for the first time. Then I did Dragonborn for the first time. And then I did vicn’s trilogy of GLENMORIL (I was actually doing this concurrent with Dawnguard), VIGILANT and UNSLAAD. And there were even more quest mods I’d never played included in Elder Souls…but after being able to solo VIGILANT basically effortlessly it felt like nothing in this game could be a proper challenge anymore and I officially decided to call it quits. At level 49, Ushnak the Orc retired, too powerful for Tamriel to contain.

I was still in the mood for Skyrim after that, though, so I grabbed a new modlist and started a new file. But it just…didn’t click. It was a fun enough modlist in its own right (Equanimity) but it just…didn’t feel the same, after getting used to Elder Souls. The world felt so much more empty without all the enemy variety…sure, they had QUANTITY with bandit camps absolutely overflowing with difficult foes, but it wasn’t the same feeling as wandering through the desolate mountains and stumbling upon a minotaur, armed to the teeth and blocking your path. My gold no longer felt like it had value when I couldn’t spend it on skill ups, which had kept loot meaningful throughout the entire game. I feel like Elder Souls just kinda ruined a more traditional Skyrim experience for me…it was so DIFFERENT, and definitely took some getting used to at first, but when I stopped playing I finally realized just how much I���d warmed up to it.

I do wonder how much more punishing it’d be on a different build, though. I was focusing on archery more in the early game but then focused mostly on two-handed by the end, but how would the traditional Skyrim Sneak Archer survive in Elder Souls? What about a mage? I never play mages, but still. A squishier class, a race and religion without inherent health regen abilities…it might be fun to try next year when the Skyrim urge strikes me again. Or maybe I’ll venture out and try another new modlist again. I think I just couldn’t jump RIGHT from the Elder Souls experience into something that was a little closer to normal Skyrim, but a year off might ‘reset’ that a bit. Still though, I’d like to play Elder Souls again sometime. And I wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone who wants to play Skyrim for the 100th time, but also like, doesn’t want to play Skyrim for the 100th time.

2022 Addendum: Sadly Elder Souls has been discontinued, so my ‘Recommended’ rating feels a little weird now, but there’s other Soulsy inspired lists out there that can hopefully scratch a similar itch (last one I was playing before I got distracted was Ruvaak which was pretty fun). In general I still cannot recommend Wabbajack modlists enough, and since the time of this review I have not played Skyrim without it being a Wabbajack modlist (with the semi exception of me taking someone else’s Skyrim Together modlist and then kind of hacking it to pieces to fit me and my friends’ needs, but that’s a story for the 2022 game reviews).

Genshin Impact

Some friends were playing Genshin so I decided to give it a try. Especially since it was constantly being called a BoTW clone, and I figured I’d never get a switch or be able to play BoTW, so hey, why not?

I feel like I don’t have a lot to say about it. It’s cute and fun and while the gacha elements are, well, gacha elements, I think the game is still very playable and enjoyable without suffering under the greedy fist of Big Gacha. The elemental interactions are really fun — I love games that take elemental play in more exciting directions than simple “water beats fire” style (one of the reasons I like Divinity a lot). Exploration is also a lot of fun, and it’s always really rewarding to solve a puzzle and see a chest pop up. I was also pleasantly surprised by how much worldbuilding and story there actually is, since I kinda figured it was gonna go more sandbox-style and just throw me out with a vague premise and have me explore the world in hopes of finding my sister.

I’ve enjoyed it a lot so far, I just haven’t played it a ton yet because I’ve also had my hands full with other things. But what’s there so far is pretty fun and I think it’s worth checking out at the very least.

World of Warcraft: Battle for Azeroth/Shadowlands

A friend of mine usually buys me a couple months of WoW sub for every new expansion (I started playing when Pandaria was current). For reasons I no longer remember but are probably ARK-related, I didn’t end up getting a sub during the BFA period (my last sub came around the end of Legion). So about a month before Shadowlands dropped she got me a new sub, and I had to play catch-up on all the BFA stuff I’d missed out on…and THEN jump into Shadowlands.

Since I didn’t play BFA when it was current content, I think my opinions of it are pretty skewed. From what I hear, Azerite gear was wildly unpopular, but I kinda thought it was fun (granted I’m not into the endgame high tier raiding stuff where it’d really be an issue). I also liked how the Alliance and Horde stories were COMPLETELY different, and not just slightly different takes on doing the same content in the same zones. Both islands have a lot of personality and I thought the stories for both were interesting, and neither really required me to have a PHD in World Of Warcraft Lore Studies to understand them (which Legion sometimes felt like it did). I’m not SUPER thrilled with some of the changes they made to Outlaw Rogue since I was away, but I’ve gotten used to it…mostly.

Then Shadowlands came out JUST after I finished up my rep grind to get flying in BFA, where I now no longer had any reason to be and to fly (okay that’s not true, because it came in very handy when I leveled my horde main through BFA later, but it’s how I felt at the time). I kinda liked the more railroaded leveling experience for a change because of the way the story elements were able to be tied together and flow into each other, and I appreciate the fact that once you’ve gone through it that way once you don’t have to do it again on your future characters. Usually when I’m leveling I end up wandering off and picking up !s wherever I see them, getting vastly off-track from where the game actually wants me to go (I basically wandered away from like, the third story quest you get in Kul Tiras and ended up doing Every Sidequest in Tiragarde Sound before wandering back to continue the ‘main’ story there and realizing some of the places it would have taken me were places I had already gone to). For Shadowlands, since it wanted to guide me into focusing on the storyline, I decided not to do that — Bastion still had a bunch of the map unexplored by the time I finished the story there, but instead of wandering off to see it all I just headed right to Maldraxxus so I could do the story while it was all fresh in my mind. Then after finishing that, I went back to the other zones to wrap up the extra sidequests and stuff I had missed the first time around. It was a different kind of experience from how I usually play but I liked it for a change. Not sure if I’d like to see it as the new style for every expansion going forward, but I thought it worked well for Shadowlands in particular and the story it wanted to tell.

I’ve now got both my mains set up in covenants and am working on developing those. Another friend who hadn’t played WoW since WoTLK also recently came back and we have been working on leveling new characters together. As someone who’s mostly only ever played one Main Character, with a Secondary Character to occasionally experience stuff on the opposite faction, it feels weird to suddenly have all these ideas for new alts I wanna make, and having to find time to do all the things I wanna do. Thankfully my friend extended my sub as a Christmas gift, so I feel less pressured to have to do EVERYTHING I want to do by the end of the month now that I’ve got more time.

Overall I’ve been having fun though, after having been away from the game for a while. I’m kind of a casual WoW player in general, preferring the questing experience to doing stuff like Dungeons and Raids with groups of strangers that are gonna be putting pressure on me and my gear and my performance, so MY enjoyable WoW experience is not going to be EVERYONE’S enjoyable WoW experience. I get the sense that BFA was not terribly popular, but I thought it was better than Legion (and I liked Legion when it was current content). I’m also not as concerned with choosing the optimal covenant for Maximum Performance, but more based on aesthetics and style and how they fit my characters, and I’d like to see how all their little stories play out on alt characters at some point (right now my rogue is Venthyr and my hunter is Kyrian). Plus there’s still leveling my lowbie druid with my friends, and other alts I wanna make at some point…and working on stuff like pet battling and archaeology on the side. Lots of stuff to do, but hopefully now I’ve got enough time to do it in, and can relax a bit.

2022 Addendum: This was all before the whole big Blizzard scandals came about. At the time me and my friends were having a blast playing Shadowlands content together almost every night. Then basically all at once we all kind of stopped playing. For one friend, it was entirely due to the controversy. For the other I think it was a combination of conflicted feelings and general burnout. I kept going for another month or two until my sub ran out, but I was hitting the burnout around that time as well, and not having them to play with made me lose my zeal to work on my alts and other things to hold my interest, so I just let it lapse. I’m not really sure what the future holds as far as playing WoW together again, now...maybe someday. I don’t think there’s even been a new expansion since Shadowlands yet, anyway (I don’t really keep up with WoW news at all when I’m not actively playing). It’s kind of crazy how much can change in such a short amount of time. I’ll still look back at that time we were playing together and having fun, though, even if our WoW playing days might potentially be over.

Grounded

My friends came to me and basically said, “we’re obsessed with a new survival crafting game, do you wanna play”, and I said “why yes, I do love a good survival crafting game”, and the next thing I knew I had become a little ant…

Grounded hits on all the usual trappings of the genre. You have a vague premise (in this case you’ve been shrunken down to insect size and forced to brave the dangers of the backyard, Honey I Shrunk The Kids style) but otherwise are on your own to fend for yourself against things that want to kill you, while managing your own hunger, thirst, and other needs, building increasingly more advanced shelters and braving deeper into the world to get higher-level crafting materials and march ever toward advancement.

What makes it fresh is the way the ‘theme’ of being shrunk in the backyard feels really well integrated into the world. Things like finding a discarded juice box or soda can with a little (large, to you) droplet of liquid you can drink or fill your canteen with to replenish your thirst, which you can absolutely imagine finding in a backyard where children play. The giant bird who sometimes flies by and perches on a nearby bit of distant scenery, massive enough to blot out the sun from your tiny view below. The koi pond essentially acting as the ‘ocean’ biome, filled with hostile aquatic creatures and the ever-present threat of drowning. The vaguely 1980’s aesthetic of it all. It just all feels really cohesive and helps you immerse yourself in the world.

The mechanics are also a bit more…dare I say, casual? More forgiving? Than some of these games tend to be. Your only needs are really hunger and thirst, and while you CAN sleep, you don’t have to…you can just keep working through the night every night if you want to, without rest. Buildings can clip into the terrain by default, so where you build is a bit more forgiving (some games could stand to learn a thing or two from this…looking at you, ARK). When you die, your corpse basically stays there forever, so there’s not a ton of pressure to race back to where you died to recover your stuff. For that matter, anything you drop seems to stay on the ground forever. These things might change if the game gets persistent servers down the line for performance reasons, but it can be kinda nice in a multiplayer game with friends.

I think my favorite thing is how the building system is LEGITIMATELY cooperative. In games like ARK or Conan Exiles, it’s like, you basically designate one person in your tribe to be The Builder, with everyone else just being your resource gathering monkeys. One person has the plans, the ideas, the visions for how to build the base…and it can be hard to communicate that without wires getting crossed, and that can be costly when these games usually don’t return all your resources spent when you demolish a structure. But the way Grounded does it, you’re basically not placing down structures in the world right away, but blueprints for them. Everyone can see them, even as you’re trying to position them. Then anyone can get the resources and actually turn that blueprint into a structure. And if you decide you don’t like it, or change your plan, you can just destroy the blueprint without sacrificing the resources on it. It feels a lot more like I’m working with a team when I see blueprints that my tribemate made, and I can just go get the resources to build it when I’m able. Really working together, just like real ants…for queen and colony…

Another thing I love and think needs to be default in ALL these games, ASAP, is the ability to color code and add a floating icon to all your chests and containers as an easy way of saying ‘this is what we store in this box’, without requiring signs or mods or just you having to memorize/check every chest every time. Seriously, survival games? Please take note.

All that said, it’s still early access, and there’s some bugs (heh) sometimes. We’ve had some semi-frequent random disconnections kicking us back to the main menu and forcing the host to re-invite us back. There are also not yet actual servers, so the multiplayer game saves just live on the host’s computer. Latency can be an issue if their internet is better or worse than yours, and lagspikes and rubber banding is a bit more frequent than I tend to feel it in games with dedicated servers. Some hitboxes are a little wonky sometimes, for both enemies and resources. And lots of other little stuff I’ve already forgotten, but nothing I’d consider really gamebreaking.

Overall pretty fun if you don’t mind some bugs, both literal and technical (though there IS an arachnophobia slider that can make the spiders into basically cartoony blobs, which I think is a pretty cool consideration in a game like this). It seems like the devs have a lot of big plans on the roadmap as well, and a friend who was playing around in God Mode stumbled upon a few areas labeled as UNDER CONSTRUCTION, so the map might be getting some extensions at some point too. If you ever felt like you just wanna zone out and go about some farming tasks like a diligent little ant…Grounded is your game.

2022 Addendum: Grounded’s officially out of Early Access at this point and there have been a lot of changes to the game in the time since I wrote this review, and updates have continued coming out pretty regularly even post-release, which is always good to see. I think the funniest thing about my review in hindsight is that I don’t know if I’d consider it ‘casual’ as much anymore because combat has become a bit more deep and challenging...we even had to bump our difficulty down in an ongoing save at one point because we were having a rough time. I think more or less all the changes have improved the game, though, which isn’t something you see every day in a game like this (at least in the two I’m most familiar with, ARK and Conan Exiles, where every update tends to be met with a choir of angry players (usually PVP people, I don’t go there) about how the devs broke everything and suck and should issue refunds and also die). But yeah idk, go check it out, it’s pretty fun to be a little ant sometimes.