#realised how much i’ve improved the other day and it dragged me out of my art block

[kidovna]

2020 -> 2023 crowleys 🫶🏽

[marvel-sluts]

request: hi ! yesterday was my bday , could you write a peter parker bday sex one shot lol pls ? ty !! - @dhtomholland

(sorry I had to repost, the tags didn't work on the last one)

birthday sex

pairing: Peter Parker x reader

warnings: filthy smut, fingering, blow jobs, unprotected sex, daddy kink, maybe a size kink?, overuse of the name kitten, swearing, fluff

summary: Peter has a surprise for you on your birthday.

a/n: happy birthday!! sorry this is a bit late but I hope you had a great day. enjoy this fic, I hope it was dirty enough for you. enjoy lovlies!

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

“come straight home after work angel, I’ve got a surprise planned.” your boyfriend called to you as you were leaving.

“okay baby, have a good day at work.” you call back before kissing him softly and rushing out the door.

you hurried home that day, looking forward to getting out of your work clothes and spending the night with Peter. you opened the door and made your way to the living room, finding your boyfriend sprawled on the couch, also still in his work clothes.

“hey angel, how was your day?” Peter asked, getting up off of the sofa and kissing you softly on the lips.

“better now I’m with you.” you mumbled into his lips before pulling him back into you, kissing him hungrily.

“someone’s missed me.” Peter joked, making you smile.

“just a bit.” you said, “so, what’s the surprise?” you asked.

“you’ll have to wait for that, for now, I’ve cooked dinner.” he said, pulling you towards the kitchen. delicious smells filled your nostrils as you looked around, the table in the middle of the room had your favourite foods on it.

“Peter, you didn’t have to do all this!” you exclaimed, looking up at your boyfriend.

“but I wanted to baby, it’s your birthday and you deserve it. you work so hard and you deserve a treat.” he said, kissing your forehead. “come on, it’ll get cold.” he said, pulling out your chair for you to sit down.

the food was amazing, so good that by the end of the meal you were positive that Peter had help from someone.

“are you sure you made this?” you asked, giving him a shit eating grin.

“I may of had some help.” he responded, “Mr Rodgers has been helping me improve my cooking skills.”

“that explains a lot.” you say, realising why Peter had been cooking a lot more often recently.

when you had both finished eating he grabbed your hand and pulled you up out of your seat.

“whoa, what’s the rush?” you asked, stumbling out of your chair.

“I have another surprise for you.” he said, dragging you towards the bedroom.

he stopped infront of the bedroom door and took a blindfold out of his pocket, “I don’t want you peeking.” he said, before turning you round and tying it over your eyes. “can you see anything?” he asked.

“no, not at all.” you reply, confused what the blindfold was for.

“good.” he said, before guiding you into the bedroom. you heard some rustling and what you swore was the sound of a lighter before you heard a quiet “you can take it off now.”

you lifted the blindfold slowly, gasping softly at what you saw. the room had been cleaned, candles were strategically placed around and rose petals were sprinkled on the bed.

“this is beautiful Pete.” you said, smiling at your boyfriend.

“I wanted to make tonight special, and I wanted to show you how much I love you.” he said, blushing.

“aww Petey it’s perfect.” you said, making him smile. you quickly made your way to where he was standing at the other side of the room. “I love it, I love you.” you said.

he wrapped his arms around your waist whispering a quiet “I love you too.” before kissing you slowly, you stand on your toes to wrap your arms around his neck, tangling your fingers in his hair. he deepened the kiss poking your bottom lip with his tongue, asking permission, which you gladly gave to him.

he broke the kiss, his eyes filled with lust and lips slightly swollen. “bed” he said, voice gravelly, turning you on even more. he started walking forward, forcing you back. you felt the back of your legs hit the bed and the next thing you know you were pushed onto the bed. Peter hovering over you, capturing your lips in another breathtaking kiss.

you reached down, starting to unbuckle his trousers making him break the kiss. “no babygirl, I want to make you feel good.” he mumbled, slipping his shirt over his head.

you sat up and quickly took off your shirt, before pulling Peter down into another kiss. he grabbed your hips, pulling down your skirt and panties in one motion. he broke the kiss, sliding a finger into your dripping cunt, making you moan.

“your so wet already kitten, so wet for my cock.” he said, slowly slipping a finger inside you, pumping it in and out a few times before adding another.

he started to kiss down your stomach, eventually reaching your cunt. he kissed it a few times before attacking it with his mouth. soon the sound of heavy breaths and moans filled the room, and within seconds you felt the knot in your stomach building.

“Peter-” you moaned, making him stop his assult on your pussy. causing you to moan at the loss of contact.

“what did you just call me?” he asked, his gaze turning dark.

“sorry daddy.” you said, making him smile.

“very good.” he said, going back to your cunt, moving his fingers in and out again, faster this time.

“I- I’m gonna cum daddy…” you moaned

“come on baby, cum for me.” he whispered, the vibrations sending shivers up your pussy. he started pumping his fingers faster into you, making you come undone around them. you let out a loud moan, tangling your fingers in his hair. he helped you ride out your hight before taking his fingers out of your dripping cunt slowly. he immediately started lapping up your juices dripping out of your cunt, before bringing a finger to your mouth.

“taste yourself.” he said, as you took the finger in your mouth, swirling your tongue around it before letting it go with a pop. you sat up, reaching forward and unbuckling his belt.

“no kitten, tonight is about you.” your boyfriend said, despite the obvious tent in his pants.

“I want to make you feel good though daddy.” you said, looking up at him through your eyelashes.

“fine.” he said, groaning as you slid down his pants and boxers, freeing his huge erect member, precum dripping from its tip. you swiped the tip with your tongue, the salty taste taking over your senses.

“stop teasing.” Peter hissed, tangling his fingers in your hair. you licked the underside of his cock before taking it in your mouth, wrapping your hand around what you couldn’t take. you slowly started bobbing your head up and down on his cock, pumping the parts your couldn’t take with your hand, making him moan. speeding up you started gagging on his big cock. you took it out of your mouth, kissing the tip before taking it in again. you went as far down on it as you could, gagging and spluttering around his big length making your eyes water.

the feeling of you gagging on his cock almost made him cum right there, “fuck, I’m gonna cum baby.” Peter whispered, tightening his grip on your hair and moving your head up and down. he pushed your head down onto his cock, making you take him further than before. “relax your throat kitten, that’s it.” he said, before letting go of your hair allowing you to start sucking again.

within a few seconds he came in your mouth, hot ropes of cum coating your throat. his hand came back up to your hair, tightening his grip as you swallowed all of his cum. you pulled off his cock slowly and stood up, kissing him. you allowed him to slip his tongue into your mouth, tasting himself on your lips.

“fuck me daddy.” you whispered against his lips.

“only because you asked nicely kitten.” he said, making you even wetter. you could feel his cock getting hard against your stomach again.

he pushed you back onto the bed, kissing you softly before lining himself up and pushing into you making you moan. when he was fully inside you he paused for a second, letting you get used to his size before pulling all the way out and slamming into you again. pounding into you ruthlessly.

“fuck that feels so good daddy, go harder” you moan.

he started thrusting into you harder than before, his hand drifting up to rub your clit, reducing you to a moaning mess under him.

“does that feel good kitten? are you gonna cum around daddy’s cock?” Peter asked, thrusting into you harder.

“yes daddy.” you said.

“good girl.” he said, placing his hands on your hips, his nails digging into your skin as he fucks you faster.

he stopped rubbing your clit, his hands drifting up your body to play with your nipples tweaking and rubbing them.

“come on baby, cum on my cock. I know you want to kitten.” he said, leaning down to kiss you gently.

“I’m coming.” you screamed, tangling your fingers in his hair.

he felt your walls tighten around him as you came, making him cum with you. hot rods of his seed painted itself on your walls, making you feel so full. he thrusted inside a few more times, riding out your highs before pulling out slowly and collapsing on the bed beside you.

he leaned forward slightly, watching as cum dripped out of your cunt. a mixture of yours and his.

he rolled over, taking you in his arms and pulling he sheets over the two of you. he nestled his head in the crook of your neck, breathing in your sent.

“I love you so much Petey.” you whispered.

“I love you too angel, happy birthday.” he whispered back, tightening his arms around you as both of you fell asleep.

[alaricmacdonald]

processing speeds.

It’s always woman who breathe the most life into me, who ignite the fires of imagination, of consideration, of appreciation, of instigation, of reflection, of purification, of annihilation. 

The spark which lights the inferno does not truly belong to her but I give to her myself with silent sleight of hand for I might barely know her or know her not at all. These flutterings of trepidation can engulf me before the woman has revealed herself by any word or interaction, before the slightest hint. It makes sense to me then that it is not woman themselves that have this effect as there would yet to be any revelation of the selve and they stand as an effigy for what I can see as the infinite.

I’ve tried at times to subdue this interest or find another totem out of social concern. Man likes woman has lead to all sorts of tremor and anguish for me personally and many others. But could I live with myself if I were to turn my back on such a powerful resource for the sake of a calmer personal perception? No, in such cold days (years, decades) one must take the will to live wherever its warmth can be felt.

 I’m sitting outside a deli and cafe not too far from my house which I’ve never sat out front of before, I don’t often sit outside cafes at all and I only now broach that border because of, you guessed it, a woman. A woman who is not now sitting next to me or even working here for me to steal glances at while I write, the only staff are who I’m guessing own the place, an ageing Turkish couple. Nothing there for me. 

This woman I mention, I crossed paths with just outside this cafe a few hours earlier. It wasn’t just that it was a woman, or a beautiful woman at that, this was a woman to which I did share an interaction, my favourite of interactions. We smiled at each other, passed for a few steps and on reflection of the feeling felt, I turned back, a look over the shoulder and I see her, watch her also turn by the shoulder and we share a second glance, the smile remained on both our faces, this second smile carried the infinite, infinite possibilities, infinite regrets If like me you refuse the call, the warmth, and fail to chase her down the street and introduce myself (yourself).

Refusal is the wrong word. I’d say the problem lies in the speed at which I process the situation, a process which isn’t just a realisation that it’s time to act, the process is realising this and then fighting for it, wrestling it from the hands of a preconceived interpretation of my actions as I run down the street after her, that brief bright light she saw me in, the sun hitting my face aided by the blissful mood she was in fades into a grey terror as she hears footsteps running toward her from behind, “Hey lady!” Haha. That’s a fantasy much more poisonous than the love based infinite felt prior, one is stifling, the other lives in action. It’s the experience of these feelings that show me or echo to me that I still have work to be done, that I still have progress to be made in my mastery of spontaneity. So I sit here now outside the cafe, in part hopping that she may pass by again, a classic redemption story but maybe more realistically out of respect and penance for the gaps in my character and the will to improve. I think she had a red word tattooed on her neck, the left side, I’ll still keep an eye out.

Beyond story, myth making, does the cosmic also have a taste for the redemption arc? These moments that require action come at the least expected times. That’s not new information but how does one prepare? Ah, I have the answer and here we tie into photography. 

Every moment is sacred.

In retaliation to this slight disgust in myself and inaction, As I dragged myself back to the cafe, the scene of the cosmic crime, I passed a house with a girl sitting outside on the steps, she looked as if she were in her early 20’s, red streaks in her hair, loose jeans with rips at the knees. She smiled at me too, this time I did stop, and I did turn back, turn back I need to add because once the information has traveled through my eyeballs, bounced around the frontal lobe and the computation is complete, I’m already a few houses down the street. I turn back thinking I could say a few kind words and take her picture there on those steps. As I do, a man is bringing some construction supplies up her stairs and speaks to her, another man, maybe some kind of moving van guy is there at the bottom of those steps and speaks to her too. I couldn’t stand at the bottom of the stairs and wait my turn, not that I couldn’t manage that situation but being that this instance of me turning back was in retaliation to my lack of spontaneity earlier, this small addition of time turned the feeling of spontaneity into the feeling of manufacture.

Answering my question from a few lines back about processing speeds and preparation, you put yourself into it for long enough, regularly enough, you get the flow state. This is what I need to push for. Exercise the instinct. Less time sitting at the computer. Walk the street, smile at others and maybe you too will spark a fire and help fill 6 pages in someones notebook.

[gladerwolfstarkimagines]

Unlikely friends: Imagine being Toph’s cousin and befriending Azula, much to the gang’s horror and confusion as it starts to become something more...

Note: The is loosely based on the comic the search which takes place after the tv show ended

Part two here

part three here

Your pov

You’d never been exposed to Azula much. Of course you knew who she was, everyone in the four nations did, but you’d never met her face to face. You only joined the gang after Zuko was firelord and so the first time you met her was when Zuko recruited her to help find his mother.

You were at the royal palace when Zuko revealed his sister would be coming on the trip with the rest of you. The others all gasped as a girl appeared beside Zuko but you just blinked confused. The girl in front of you was your age, average to small height and honestly just looked tired and worn down. You’d heard Azula had been locked up for a year due to her mental health difficulties and you couldn’t understand how the others didn’t see this all over her.

Zuko noticed you staring at Azula and realised you’d never met before. “Ow you don’t know each other....y/n this is Azula, Azula this is y/n Toph’s cousin”. “Hmmm a Beifong so not a peasant but earth kingdom scum is still earth kingdom scum” Azula replied glancing over you. “Azula!” Zuko snapped but you just shrugged “it’s fine, nice to meet you Azula”. Azula blinked at you confused at the notion any one of her brother’s friends would ever be pleased to see her. She stared at you before moving past you. “Sorry she’s....like that” Zuko commented and you smiled “no need to apologise, i’m sure after everything she’s been through this is hard for her, tracking your mother down...I bet she’s very nervous to be seeing her again, that’s probably why she’s lashing out”. Zuko frowned “I guess, I hadn’t thought of it that way...”.

Throughout the trip you had more patience with Azula than the others because you empathised with her. Yes, she was rude and snarky but you could tell she was only doing that to get a reaction out of the people she knew hated her. You’d grown up with difficult people who liked to annoy an reaction out of you (your cousin was Toph freaking Beifong) and so you knew they usually did it when they didn’t feel welcome or good about themselves. So you never responded to Azula’s quips about you or retaliated in any way and slowly she stopped. Soon you noticed you were the only one in the group who Azula didn’t rush to attack. She largely acted like you weren’t there but you took that as a good sign. If it was just the two of you she seemed more relaxed, less guarded and you were glad you had that effect on her. You wanted her to know not everyone hated her and apparently she did. 

Obviously however Azula couldn’t just be alone with you the whole trip. She was surrounded by the gang who rightfully mistrusted and intensely disliked her. It was a stressful environment and you saw its growing mark on Azula each day...

You usually took the main night watch as you didn’t need as much sleep as the others and you’d noticed while everyone else slept soundly Azula would often jerk and mutter in her sleep endlessly. One night it was particularly bad. Azula curled up into herself and her mutterings sounded more like whimpers. You tried to ignore it and just focus on your book but after a while you couldn’t. So you approached her slowly and realised she must be having a particularly bad nightmare. Azula” you called trying to wake her up. When the girl didn’t respond you walked closer and knelt down beside her “Azula?” you called shaking her slightly. Azula jolted awake suddenly, sitting up so fast she almost headbutted you. She flinched away from you, fire at her fingertips before she blinked “ow it’s just you, what were you doing leaning over me?”. “You were having a nightmare I was trying to wake you” you replied and Azula glared “impossible nightmares are for weak people and children”. You laughed “no they’re not! Everyone gets nightmares, it’s not something you can control and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re weak”. Azula huffed sitting up and pulled her legs into her chest “well either way I wasn’t having one okay?”. You nodded your head raising your hands in surrender “fine”. Silence settled and you looked at her “well i’m going to go sit back by the fire, you can join me if you want. It’d be nice to have some company”. Azula huffed “no thank you” she said sarcastically and you shrugged “suit yourself but the invite is there”.

You sat down by the fire and returned to your book. You heard Azula shuffling around and after a few minutes saw her stand up and head towards you. You pretended not to notice as Azula got closer and only looked up when she reached the campfire. “Since you rudely woke me up and I can’t get back to sleep I’ve decided to sit here, there’s no point just laying on the floor”. You nodded your head “that makes sense” and smiled slightly. Azula looked down embarrassed but seemed grateful you didn’t push it. You sat in comfortable silence, only talking fleetingly and it was calm and neutral. Azula looked the most relaxed and normal you’d ever seen her and sure enough she soon fell back to sleep. You smiled and grabbed a blanket laying it over her. She may be difficult but difficult people were that way because they were hurting. You could sense that in Azula and didn’t want to cause her any more harm. You thought Azula could sense your intentions to her were different than the other’s and that’s why she behaved differently with you. Every time you interacted you saw more of Azula, the healthy happier Azula, but all the walls went back up as soon as the others were around. It upset you Azula didn’t feel comfortable with the others but at least feeling comfortable with one person was a start.

3 days later

You were finally only one day away from reaching the village Zuko’s mom was in and you all sat around discussing what to do next. Well apart from Azula, she was always made to stand away when you discussed plans, nobody forced her to but she felt unwelcomed so would usually go sulk out of earshot. It was decided you’d make the journey the next morning rather than arriving in the middle of the night. You nodded along with the plans before standing up and heading off in Azula’s direction “okay i’ll go let her know”. “Let who know?” Katara asked and you paused “Azula, she doesn’t know the plan”. “So?” Zuko asked and you hesitated “well shouldn’t we tell her....i mean she’s a part of the group now, she deserves to know what we’re dragging her into”. Aang nodded, Toph and Sokka shrugged but Katara and Zuko didn’t look convinced. “Fine i guess” Zuko shrugged and you nodded, going to get Azula from her stance by the woods. The gang all watching on confused. 

The next day

You reached Ursa’s village the next day and found her home easily. She was thrilled to see her children again and the town threw a large party to celebrate the return of Ursa’s son the fire lord. You all attended and the whole gang looked so happy to finally be off the road and in a house, Zuko especially was in high spirits. He was beaming, a grin spread from ear to ear and you smiled to see he hadn’t left his mother’s side since he’d found her again. You saw Zuko’s family, his mom, new little sister Kiyi and stepdad all sat together and paused....they looked like a perfect happy family but someone was missing. You glanced around and saw Azula was outside, as far away from the happy occasion as she could get and was staring intensely at the surrounding scenery. You made your way outside and Azula jumped. “Only me” you said holding up a hand and Azula lowered her hands but her shoulders were still tensed “what do you want?”. “Nothing” you shrugged “just wanted to see if you were okay”. “Of course i’m okay” Azula snapped and you frowned. Over the period you’d spent travelling you’d seen Azula improve, she was less jumpy and agitated but the second you’d reached her mother’s town she was right back at square one. Her mother had been the reason for her initial mental breakdown and you were worried something like this could set her over the edge again. You knew Azula wasn’t one for small talk but wanted her to feel less alone so started talking to her. “You know I haven’t seen my family in 5 years?”. Azula didn’t attack you so you carried on. “They sent me to go live with Toph’s parents when I was 12 and I haven’t seen them since. To be honest it wasn’t a big move I was at Toph’s all the time but still to make it permanent... My father...he worked a lot so I never saw him even when I was home but as for my other family. My mom and I never saw eye to eye on anything, she hated all my decisions and honestly I think she was glad when I left...it gave her more time to focus on my brothers. Her favourites, she’s always preferred my brothers to me just because they’ll carry on the name or whatever”. You trailed off and Azula raised an eyebrow “are you actually trying to bond with me over mommy issues?”. You paused and rushed to explain you weren’t trying anything when you saw Azula had a slight smirk on her face and so you smiled. “Why not?” you asked “my point is, my parents were never there for me and I turned out fine! They only have as much power over you as you let them. Azula tutted “you should save the philosophy for Aang y/n”. You smiled “I probably should but all i’m saying is you’re not a product of what they’ve done to you unless you let yourself be, unless you hold onto that anger. I’ve forgiven my mother and father for how they treated me”. Azula spun on you and you jumped to see how angry she suddenly looked. “You expect me to believe after all she did to you, you forgave her? How stupid do you think I am?”. “I have” you said confused “I hold no anger towards my mother anymore”. “Well you should” Azula commented “she doesn’t deserve anything less”. You shrugged “maybe so but that anger was causing me way more harm than it was her”. Azula didn’t respond and you frowned. “I haven’t forgotten what she...what all my family did to me and I haven’t let them off for it, I set boundaries and refuse to let them treat me that way anymore...but I also don’t fixate over what happened, it happened, it was in the past and that’s where it should stay...that’s where I make it stay, I won’t let it take up any more of my time”. Silence settled and as time stretched on you stopped expecting a reply. That was fine with you, you just hoped any part of what you’d said had made Azula feel a little better. “I’m cold so i’m going to head back inside, you could come with me? I hate entering parties alone” you tried to joke but Azula didn’t glance at you. You shrugged and started back inside when Azula sighed and appeared beside you “come on then, if I must hold your hand with everything”. You grinned as you realised this was Azula’s way of saying she’d come back to the party with you. “But we’re getting food” Azula told you “i’m starving, that food Sokka hands out is awful”. You grinned as you walked in together “blubbered seal jerky, it is awful but it does sustain you”, Azula wrinkled her nose in disgust and you laughed. “I never figured you a picky eater”. “I’m not” Azula said defiantly “but i refuse to eat any animal’s blubber” she commented piling a plate with food. Not wanting to make her eat alone you copied her and filled a plate too. You found a table near the outskirts of the party and sat down together. Azula tucked into her food and you were surprised at her appetite though you knew you shouldn’t be. The girl was a machine of muscle and strength, of course she ate a lot. Still you watched impressed as Azula cleared her plate "you were hungry" you grinned and Azula smirked "why do you never believe me?". "I don’t know maybe your whole history with manipulation?". Azula’s smirk vanished and you worried you’d gone too far when she laughed. It was odd seeing her face contort into a laugh and her shoulders shake but a good weird. You liked seeing it and felt very proud you’d made the fearsome and dreadful Azula laugh. So proud you didn’t even notice that your and Azula’s table was getting attention.

Ursa’s POV

Ursa’s head shot up as she heard a vaguely familiar but sorely missed sound and her eyes landed on Azula almost instantly. Azula was laughing! She was smiling at a friend and appeared happy. Joy filled Ursa’s heart and she felt her eyes tear up to see her daughter happy. "Mother?" Zuko asked and she jumped. "Are you okay?" Zuko asked and she nodded "it’s just your sister...". "What has she done now?" Zuko snapped and Ursa shook her head "nothing! I just, i know i showed favourites and i always regretted leaving you both, i worried it would impact you both beyond repair especially Azula but then i saw her smiling...". Zuko followed his mothers gaze not believing her until he saw Azula beside you. His mother was right, Azula was actually smiling...well her form of a smile which was more of an upturned lip but still for Azula that was insane. "Who is her friend?" Ursa asked "she seems lovely". "Y/n" Zuko said confused "i didn’t even know they were friends" he was ashamed to admit. Ursa noticed and patted his back "i know things can’t have been easy and i’m sorry for my part in that but things can only get better now, for all of us" she said glancing back to Azula and Zuko nodded "apparently so".

Your POV

After the party was finished you were heading to your shared room with Toph when Katara appeared "y/n can we talk?". You shrugged and motioned for her to follow you into the room. She did and once inside you turned to her expectantly. "What are you doing are you insane!" she burst. You blinked "come again?". "Since when are you friends with Azula! Why would you want to be? What is wrong with you?". You took in the comments and breathed "erm...i guess we’ve become friends over the journey, i have spent the most time with her, i didn’t try to become friends with her i just talked to her and treated her like a human and it kind of just happened. As for what’s wrong with me....how long have you got?". Toph laughed and Katara glared "y/n this isn’t funny, don’t you remember all she’s done!". You rolled your eyes "ow yeah all water under the bridge...of course i haven’t forgotten what she's done but i have seen enough of her to know she’s just as broken as Zuko, she’s human Katara and she deserves the decency of being treated like one". Katara tutted "i don’t remember seeing an inch of humanity in her". "Well i’m sure if you start really looking at her you'll find it" you said sharply "now I’m going to bed so goodnight" and you turned away from the water bender letting her know this conversation was over.

Mai’s POV After Ursa had been found everyone returned to the fire nation to celebrate. Zuko was the happiest Mai had ever seen him but he wasn’t the only one who returned from the journey oddly happy. Thanks to her help Azula hadn’t been locked back up upon her return and she was freely roaming the palace. Old habits die hard and Mai found herself watching the girl who’d tormented her through her childhood and was surprised by what she saw. Azula had made a friend and one that actually seemed to genuinely like her judging by your smile. "So...Azula and y/n seem to get on" Mai commented and Zuko nodded amazed that this friendship had formed and that Azula was here at the party at all. He figured knowing their mother would be here she’d have run and hidden but here she was. "They seem quite close" Mai carried on "are they...is it more than a friendship?". Zuko paused "what?". Ty lee nodded "i was thinking the same thing, notice how Azula hardly looks away from her?". Mai nodded and Zuko frowned, clearly lost in the conversation. "I don’t know...i don’t think so" he babbled. Mai rolled her eyes at how clueless Zuko was "well is y/n or has y/n ever dated anyone to your knowledge". "No..." Zuko frowned. "They’re so dating" Ty lee grinned and Zuko frowned "are you sure? I mean my sister...date anyone?". Mai shook her head "you know she is a human being right Zuko? And an attractive one at that, i wouldn’t be surprised if she and y/n kindled something it's actually rather...sweet".

 Azula’s POV

Azula had only agreed to come to this party because you were going to be here and also because she’d been assured her mother wouldn’t try anything with her. Still Azula had been apprehensive to attend and the second you left her side her suspicions were confirmed. She was ambushed.  "Sooooo" Azula heard and turned to see an old friend? Ex friend? She still wasn’t sure but either way there was Ty lee grinning her. "Ty lee" she nodded at her curtly. "It’s good to see you" Ty lee smiled "i noticed you and y/n seem close". Azula raised an eyebrow, Ty lee was never good at being subtle and clearly meant something more with those words. "If you’re worried she’s beating you in the rankings of friendship you needn’t worry, you dropped right out of there the minute you betrayed me". Ty lee paused and Azula smirked "your face, you always were too easy to fool". Ty lee laughed nervously, Azula knew how to joke now?  "But seriously what’s up with you and y/n? Is it friends....is it more?". Azula paused "more?". "Well you guys just seemed very close" Ty lee shrugged "almost couple-y". Azula paused, this was a new perspective for her, she hadn’t even thought about her friendship with you or that it could be something more....now the idea was there she realised it wasn’t such a bad one.  She liked you, she thought you were nice to be around and funny. Not to mention you were beautiful and athletic. Azula thought it over while Ty lee almost burst. "So?" Ty lee finally asked and Azula paused. She didn’t want Ty lee to go around telling people before she even knew what she wanted so she shook her head "me and y/n are just friends". Ty lee looked disappointed "ow...well i’m still glad you’ve got such a good friend, you look a lot happier than i’ve ever seen you" Ty lee smiled and Azula realised she was. Even here at the palace where she had so many bad memories it wasn’t as bad anymore. Azula suspected a lot of that was because of you and felt a blush rise to her cheeks. How hadn’t she worked this out sooner? 

A few days later

All good things had to come to an end. With the mission a success the avatar and all his friends were leaving the fire nation soon and Azula knew you were planning on leaving too. You were going to help the little earth bender with her school. Azula knew Toph was the person you cared most about in the world so of course you’d want to go with her but part of her wished you wouldn’t. She wished you had nothing to pull you away from her.

She’d heard from Zuko you were leaving soon and so she debated back and forth if she should come see you to say goodbye or just let you go. As the time trickled away and the day of your departure arrived she decided to just swallow her pride and come and find you. She found you in your room in the palace doing some very late packing. You had apparently just finished as she found you lining up your luggage for the trip. “Azula” you said happily spotting her and she couldn’t help but smile “hi y/n”. “Hello” you smiled “how are you?”. “I’m good, and you?”. “Great” you smiled “we’re all set to leave soon! I can’t wait to get home”. Azula nodded “I can imagine” and stared at the floor. “Is everything okay?” you asked and Azula tensed. “Everything’s fine I just wanted to say goodbye”  Azula shrugged meeting your eye and smiling slightly. She thought she’d been pretty convincing but apparently not.

Your POV

"Azula what’s wrong? I can tell somethings bothering you" you said frowning and came to stand closer to her. You could tell she was nervous, something you’d rarely seen on the firebender’s face. "I...i was just wondering when you were coming to the fire nation again?". You paused "well i’m not sure honestly, i guess whenever the gang comes again, why have you got a big festival coming up or something?". Azula shook her head "no we don’t...". She sounded disappointed and an idea formed in your head, did Azula not want you to go? "The gang might be too busy to just swing by but that doesn’t mean i can’t" you said testing the water and saw Azula’s eyes widen and her cheeks flush slightly. "I think that would be nice" she said looking down and you smiled softly. Azula wanted you around! "Yeah?" you asked and Azula nodded "i guess i’ve become...accustomed to your presence" she said.

You almost laughed that this was what Azula thought was an honest compliment. No, Azula could do better than that so you prompted her.

"Accustomed to my presence?" you asked raising an eyebrow and Azula searched for words before sighing. "I like being around you" she shrugged going red "so you coming back to the fire nation wouldn’t be a bad thing i guess". You grinned "you’d cope with that idea?". Azula nodded her head still blushing "i would". You laughed and couldn’t stop smiling at Azula’s blush. "Well in that case i’d be more than happy to have regular visits, not to mention you can come visit me and Toph at her school anytime you want". "I can?" Azula asked and you nodded "of course! You think i’d leave you all alone with these firebenders and no escape route". Azula smiled at you, a genuine happy smile and nodded her head "that’s...thank you, i’m sure i’ll be taking you up on that offer frequently". "As much as you want" you said taking her hand "i mean it Azula, even if it’s just for a few hours or a night, you’re always welcome with me". Azula stared at you and wondered again how she hadn’t realised she liked you before. It was so obvious to her now, she only hoped it wasn’t so obvious to you but judging by the fact she had a permanent blush this whole time she wasn’t too sure about that. Azula nodded "thank you y/n" and you smiled "no problem". You carried on looking at her before blushing at your close proximity and stepped away. "So i best be going but expect many letters". Azula chucked and you shrugged "what? I’m not kidding? I love writing letters, you will receive many from me, once a day if you’re lucky". Azula smiled "i promise to reply to every single one" and you grinned "you better". You started towards the door and stopped to look back at her. "I’ve really enjoyed our time together and I just wanted you to know...i think you’re pretty amazing”. Azula blushed "thank you....you’re also very good". You chuckled at her awkward reply and smiled "all i meant was, don’t let anyone tell you you’re not good enough, from where i’m standing...that’s not the case at all, in any way". Azula’s face turned an even deeper shade of red and you smiled. "Anyway i’ll go now, bye Azula". "Bye y/n" she managed and with a last smile you were gone. Azula immediately felt a pang of loneliness but then thought of what you’d do. She took a few deep breaths and repeated what you’d told her. She was good enough, she was more than good enough, she didn’t need to be insecure or cruel. She opened her eyes, let out a sigh and turned to her daily tasks. She'd see you again soon enough and only 13 hours until your promised daily letter, Azula could wait that long.

____

I absolutely love this idea of Azula finding someone she can be open and vulnerable with and might make this into a 3 part series??

[bibliocratic]

How about Jon Martin and the cursed trip to IKEA?

Thanks for the prompt! :D

I’m sure this absolutely could have been read as like ‘IKEA is not-so-secretly a Spiral domain’ but this non-Euclidean hell-hole is of mortal making I’m sure of it.

(I love and fear you IKEA, never change <3)

 --

“I simply don’t see the reason why we’d ever need them.”

“If we have guests over!”

“We’ve never had guests over.”

“One day we might!”

“And over for what?”

“I dunno! Dinner or something, make a night of it.”

“Martin, neither of us can cook.”

“Well, we could learn.”

“Alright, fine. Pushing that to one side for the moment, my question is why do our hypothetical guests require a different set of fancier cutlery? What’s wrong with the ones we’ve got at home?”

“I mean, nothing really, just… well, it’s a thing, isn’t it? Having some nice stuff to bring out if people come round.”

“Will we be moving on to the fine china aisle next?”

“Maybe! Ha, ha, don’t give me that look – Why not splash out a little? At worst, we just have more forks and some extra knives.”

“…Alright, fine.”

“Yeah?”

“Before I come to my senses. But I reserve the right to refuse guests the good cutlery if they’re undeserving.”

“What, are you planning some rigorous questionnaire they’ve got to pass first?”

“Absolutely. Come on then, the fine china awaits.”

--

Alfonse has never really been one for home improvement. He’s got a rolled-up stick of posters that he’s dragged around from his old room to student digs to slightly nicer student digs since he was a teenager, their corners creased and dotted with blue-tack stains. He’s had the same chipped plate, chipped bowl, chipped cup set since uni, and has been belligerent about swapping them out for anything less likely to shatter the next time he puts it in the dishwasher. But it’s their first flat together, and it feels real, and grown-up, and kind of scary, and he thinks that it’s important to get this part right, to set their life together off with a different start than the other places. Meaning that now, somehow, they’ve got a squeaky-wheeled trolley full of pillows and a cheese grater and storage containers that aren’t see-through plastic boxes and honest-to-god frames for his Quentin Tarantino posters. He’s finding himself entertaining the rather luxurious thought of buying a large and leafy potted plant to brighten up their cramped living room.

Tom is in his element here, and he’s put on his ridiculous reading glasses that Alfonse says make him look like Dame Edna, peering over their chunky glittery frames to inspect the ballroom’s worth of lighting they’ve found themselves amongst. He’s humming as he does so, making notations with the pint-sized pencil they collected at the door. Alfonse is entirely content to let him take the reigns on this one.

He idly people-watches for a while, making noises of interest at another floor lamp when it’s expected of him – the students clearing out the kitchenware section, lugging around the straining blue blags, the parents with children who have been swayed by the toys – before he catches sight of a man circling the desk lamps. Glancing down at his phone, gnawing on his lower lip with some discontent before he glances up and around the terrain before frowning. He swings his phone in an arc, giving the hope of it a hopeful tap, muttering a comeoncomeoncomeon under his breath.

His mobile gives a chirpy buzz, and the man almost hits himself in the ear with the force of answering.

“Where are you?” Alfonse overhears. “I can’t… Jon… Jon, you’re breaking up, yeah, the signal’s… Jon. I’m by the lamps… The lamps. Lamps. I’ve got the trolley, yes, yes – you… hello?”

Alfonse hears a very emphatic fuck’s sake before he decides to go back to Tom and leave the man suffer in private.

--

Sinead’s planted herself on one of the sofas in the well-lit display areas and has committed to not budging an inch for at least ten minutes. The fabric is a cheery yellow, and it suits the colour-coordinated pretend living room, but she’s not sure she’d choose it herself.

She’s getting a headache. Mel’s off with her nephews and nieces over in the kid’s bedroom section and she just needs five more minutes before she can look at another floral wallpaper or toy car bed.

She’s disrupted from massaging her temples by an irate-looking man with some rather intense eyebrow game throwing himself down on the half-egg-shaped armchair nearby, letting forth a truly impressively disgruntled sigh.

“You look like you’re suffering,” she offers, because she is and she wants to know someone else is too, and he nods peevishly and gives another irritated noise.

“I didn’t realise there’d be so much drama involved in buying a sofa,” he grumbles.

“Amen,” she agrees. They share a quiet moment of strung-out solidarity as they sit moulded into the seat cushions.

“… What’s that one called?” the man asks after a moment of stewing in his own mood.

She shrugs but picks up the tag and squints at it.

“Brathult? With one of those… those A’s that have the little bobble hat. Apparently, it comes in yellow, blue and green.”

“Comfortable?”

“Not bad.”

“Hm.” For a while he goes silent. Then he points out two sofas tucked into different displays and artfully layered with appropriate throw pillows; the first, a stocky black number set upon a sleek wooden frame that serve as its legs, the second, a dense cuboid of cushions currently being looked over by in fastidious detail by a tussle-haired man wearing a t-shirt covered in lots of small cartoon cacti.

“Between that one and that one,” her companion in furniture-based suffering says. “What do you think?”

Sinead studies them carefully.

“The second.”

He huffs. It was clearly not the answer he wanted.

“Why?”

“Not sure. I guess, yeah, it’s not as flashy, but the cushions look deeper. And there’s more width there, even just looking at them.”

“But the first one has all that space under it to store things.”

“Yeah, but you just know it’s going to build up with dust, and you’d be having to get the hoover under it all the time. It seems a bit finnicky.”

The man gives a considering nod.

“You’re right.”

He hefts himself up and calls over to the other display room: “Martin!”

The tussle-haired man whirls around.

Her companion holds up his hands. “You were right. The second one.”

The tussle-haired man looks smugly victorious. Sinead tries to hide her smirk at the sight.

--

Andy’s heaving the flat-pack box for a small bookcase into their trolley when they hear a conversation bleed through from the other side of the huge metal shelves in the warehouse part of the store.

“I’ve got it, I’ve got it.”

“It’s coming down on my side – woahwoahwoah – ”

“It’s – Christ, swing it this way a bit – ”

“I’ve not – Jon, I’ve not got – it’s – Jon, it’s slipping.”

“Put it down – DOWN – yes, that’s… Right. Let’s… let’s just have a moment. Catch our breath.”

“God, why’s it so heavy? It’s not like it’s even that big!”

Andy pops their head around to the other side of the shelf. Two men are puffing and sweaty, the colour on their faces blooming with exertion. Between the two of them is the long and bulky cardboard box they are clearly trying to manhandle into their trolley.

“Do you… um, do you need a hand?” they ask.

The shorter one waves a polite but dismissive hand before they manage to wrangle some air into their lungs.

“We’re good, thanks.” He says. The taller one raises an eyebrow.

Andy knows well enough to leave them to it.

--

“Hmmm! You weren’t lying about the meatballs.”

“I know right, like, what’s the secret?”

“Probably E-numbers.”

“Don’t ruin these for me, Jon!”

“Haha, alright. Help me out with the chips?”

“You finished?”

“The hot dog was enough, I’m getting full.”

“Pass them over then…. You know, I think we did alright with our spoils today. And it wasn’t so bad, all told.”

“We have to get this all in the car yet.”

“God, don’t remind me.”

[darylsgirl]

Hes just like the Sun Part 2 Daryl x Reader 18+

Summary: Reader goes missing, Daryl gives up the search after only a few weeks and starts getting closer to another woman. When he finds sign of the reader again but rick is the one to save you. Daryl cant handle seeing you broken and pulls away.

Warnings: A lot of cussing, Domestic violence, Assault

*Hello my lovelies! This was meant to be one long chapter but I've split it into two parts so expect a part 3 :) As always please let me know what you think of this chapter and if i can improve! As always i hope your having a lovely day!*

Part one                            Part Three

It had only been 4 months since that glorious night with Daryl, Since he had professed his love to you and you to him. 

He had spent every waking moment since then showing his love. Proving he would protect you against anything, He couldn’t have known that he would be away when you needed him most… 

You had just been to the gates and waved Daryl goodbye. He had left on a run with Rick, Rosita, Sasha and Abraham. Sniffing slightly you headed back to your home ready to just get in bed and have his smell engulf you for a few hours before you needed to go to work. 

You knew it was silly he would only be gone a week tops he said but that may as well been a century to you. 

You also knew for the next week you would lay awake at night worried out of your mind wondering if something was going to stop him coming back to you. The thought crushed your chest. You couldn’t be without him now, He was your sun, Your every breath. 

You made it back to your’s and Daryl’s bed wrapping your arms around yourself snuggling into his pillow, It was so strange how the smell of Motor oil could be so Damn comforting! You prayed silently to yourself that the first lead they were going to check out would pay off as that would mean he would be back to you within 2 days.

You lay there hugging yourself tightly for a few hours before begrudgingly dragging yourself into the shower and heading to work. The infirmary was bustling that day fortunately for you, unfortunately for your neighbours. There seemed to be a bug going around the town, Which is why Daryl had to leave you in the first place to go and get life saving antibiotics.

It was ironic that illnesses that could be cured with one pill before could cause so much death now when antibiotics are becoming so difficult to find. You looked around the room and silently pleaded with god to let them find something quickly! 

It was pushing 10pm when you were finally on your way home after a final check on one of your elderly patients. You couldn’t wait to get in the shower and scrub the day away and knowing Carol she would have dinner waiting for you. You smiled thinking of Carol you really did love that woman, She had become like your mother taking care of you and always being there. 

Distracted by your thoughts your guard was down and you hadn’t noticed him dart out of the darkness between the houses. 

You looked around wildly fighting the arms that had clamped around your mouth and chest dragging you backwards. You froze,You knew the sound of that breathing anywhere, You could feel the ice in your veins. It was fucking Spencer. 

Daryl’s POV. 

It had been 8 days since he had left. Y/N was going to kill him for being too long and worrying her. He pushed his bike to the limits just like the first night he had met her racing back towards the gate, Where he knew she would be waiting. Grinning from ear to ear with excitement bubbling in his chest he saw the gates come into view. 

When he got close he only saw Carol waiting for him, He never expected the news she was about to give him. The second the words “She’s….gone….Missing” crossed her lips he ran towards their home screaming for her. Carol hot on his heels, He charged into the house straight to their room “Y/N? Y/N?” he ran from room to room in the home screaming still for her before going outside and collapsing at Carol’s feet. 

His fingers were ripping at his hair and face desperately trying to cling to anything he could. “WHERE IS SHE” He screamed up at Carol. She silently joined him in the middle of the road pulling him into her arms while he sobbed.

Y/N pov

You watched him through the hole in the black paint, It had taken you a while. The paint was thick but you had finally managed to make a hole big enough to see out of but small enough for Spencer not to notice.

Your heart broke watching your man screaming for you, You’d have given anything to be able to rush out of there and wrap your arms around him and tell him everything was ok, Just as he had done for you so many times. You had never seen him so distraught and you hated yourself for being the cause of that. You tried to scream but only a rasping whisper came out of you, It was like the nightmare you always had being so close to help but not being able to call out. 

Then you heard it, The boots coming down the stairs you flung yourself into the corner hands covering every inch of skin you could. You heard the door at the bottom of the stairs open, Footsteps were closer now. He approached the door of the laundry room you were being kept in. The light hurt your eyes as the door flew open.

Daryl Pov

Once Carol had gotten him to calm down a little with the help off Rick and the others who had been on the run they pulled him into the house and to the kitchen Island settling him on a stool whilst Carol hurriedly made tea. 

Once everyone had a cup, Rick finally spoke up “C’mon Carol your killing us here. What do you mean Y/N is missing. What happened?” 

Daryl met Carol’s eyes now and listened intently as she started her explanation, Choosing to give just the facts as she didn’t think Daryl could handle much more. 

“We realised she was missing around midnight on the day you left, When she still hadn’t come home. I went to find Denise who said that she had left work at half 9 and would be stopping in to see Mrs Turner on her way home. I asked Mrs Turner who said Y/N had left around half an hour later.” 

“I’ve spoken to everyone in the town, Most were asleep at the time and No one has seen her since. So we know she went missing within those two blocks around 10pm that night. There is also no gear, weapons or food missing from anyone’s home so we know she didn’t just choose to leave” 

Rick put his hand on Daryl’s shoulder, sighing “You should go get some rest brother, Leave it to us” 

Daryl growled throwing Rick’s arm from him “I. Aint. Goin. Fuckin.Nowhere” He spat through gritted teeth. Rick looked over worried before deciding to let it go, God knows if it was him he wouldn’t have left either. “Ok so tell us Carol, Where have you searched so far?” Daryl had never paid more attention to anything in his life. 

After formulating a plan between the six of you, Daryl pushed himself up from the island feeling grateful for a moment that you had arrived not too long after sunrise and you had a good few hours of sunlight left to search. He silently made a promise to her that he wouldn’t stop till she was back in his arms again. 

Y/N 

You woke in your basement cell shaking from the dreams of the night you were taken. The first few weeks had been the worst. He had inflicted every punishment imaginable on you trying to break you. He laid off those when he realised that wasn’t going to happen. As long as you knew Daryl was out there looking for you, You could keep going too for him. You had to keep hope in your heart he was going to find you. Spencer still took you everyday but you had stopped fighting it now and just became numb as you knew you had to just lay silent or face the cattle prod. He really seemed to like that thing.

You still saw Daryl in the street sometimes, At night sitting on the porch alone with a whiskey and a cigarette looking haunted staring into the night. 

There was one day you dared to believe you could have been saved. You woke to hear him outside of your blacked out window, He had fought with Spencer and pinned him on the front lawn while Rick had searched the house. Finding nothing, She couldn’t understand how they had completely missed the basement! Every house in Alexandria had one! You knew if Daryl hadn’t been out there with him he would have known to check here, he would have found you. Every part of her was screaming for her to call out and scream Daryl’s name and begging him to save her. 

She had tried a few times to scream but only a quiet rasping breath left her, Her throat was red raw and no matter how hard she tried nothing would come out. 

Daryl had let Spencer back up still glaring at him While Rick explained “Look man we had to check, You’re the only person in this town that could of possibly wanted to hurt Y/N We had to be sure” 

Spencer replied “I haven’t even looked at Y/N since that day. I did as I was told and kept to myself. I’ve done my job for Alexandria. I didn’t do anything, I’d appreciate it if you’d keep him away from me and leave me alone!” At that Daryl lunged for him again with Rick stopping him before he got to Spencer. 

“Fair is fair now we’ve checked your house we’ll leave you be” Rick grabbed by the shoulders and walked him back to your house and inside to calm him down. 

Spencer’s Pov

He watched them leave and darted back into the house, Stupid fuckin hillbilly he thought to himself, Walking into kitchen he grabbed a water and let his mind wander. 

He had kept his head down and bided his time, Deanna, his mother had finally gotten rick to agree to let him move back into his home. Almost immediately he had set to work in the laundry room downstairs, Moving the machines out, Moving a mattress in, Adding a deadbolt to the top and bottom of the door. Perfect, Now he just had to wait a little longer for his revenge.

 He was going to get that little bitch back for the humiliation, She didn’t get to make a fool out of him and then be happy! Making him watch them both across the road night after night all on each other. 

He bet she knew what she was doing too, Teasing him like this. Flaunting herself all over town with him! What she was even doing with the dirty redneck he would never know when she could have him. He was better for her, She needed him and he was going to make her see it. 

Two months, Two months he had waited and watched pretending to have no interest. When finally the opportunity presented itself, He was walking the back way home trying to avoid the eyes people now made at him when he saw her. 

She was leaving Mrs Turners and walking alone down the empty dark street, He waited until she was about to turn onto their street where the houses were either unoccupied or all the lights were off when he sprinted towards her wrapping his hand around her mouth and dragging her backwards through the back gardens and into his, She started fighting again when she saw he was taking her into the house. He overpowered her easily taking her down the stairs and into the laundry room, He threw her on the mattress on the floor and left bolting the door behind him. She could scream all she wanted, No one would hear her now. 

Daryl’s Pov

After a few weeks it was just Him, Rick and Carol still searching. They were all sitting on his front porch, His eyes scanning every blade of grass as he had been for weeks. 

Rick cleared his throat “Brother you can’t keep this up anymore and I know what you're gonna say so don’t rip my head off but you need to rest. You need to sit down and eat a real meal or you will be in no condition to keep searching. We’ve looked everywhere in a 100 mile radius and there is no sign of her. I’m not sayin give up on her brother but you need to start taking care of yourself Y/N would hate it if she knew you weren’t” 

Daryl felt the sobs coming up his throat, Rick was right there was nothing to go on. No tracks. No sightings. No sign of any trouble or walkers. She had just vanished into thin air. 

Carol was at his side again consoling him “Ya right Rick, I hate ya but ya right” He let Carol guide him back into the house and to the spare bedroom, He hadn’t been able to set foot in their room, It just wasn’t the same without her. 

She lay him on the bed and left to go grab him some of one of the many crock pot dinners the housewives of Alexandria had dropped off for him, Now they knew he wasn’t gay they were circling him like vulchers all vying to be the one to take Y/N’s place if she didn’t return. He had ignored all of their pity, They could keep it. He didn’t need it. 

The only solace he had found over this time was Nicole, She was the one he had saved a few months back when they had stumbled across her alone in the street and brought her to the infirmary where Denise & Y/N had patched her up before the Town had decided to take her in. 

He can’t remember how his unlikely friendship with her had come from she was just there always at his side, The only one to not look at him like a degenerate to be pitied. They sat in comfortable silence at first before they had started opening up to each other, She was pretty he guessed she had nothin on Y/N but he was still flattered when she had asked him for help with combat. He knew it was probably just an excuse to distract him but he was grateful for the distraction nonetheless. 

Y/N pov

You couldn’t believe he had given up, for weeks he had heard him shouting her name and heard them sitting on their front porch discussing how they would find her tomorrow.. But Tomorrow never came.

He still sat on the porch every night but now he was no longer alone, He no longer looked haunted. You guessed you were happy that he looked happier, more relaxed and even sometimes laughed. You just couldn’t stand that Spencer was right. You had probably just been a passing fling to him, The memories you had of Daryl were becoming warped with you spending your days analysing everything to try to find a moment where that seemed to be true, You were a fool and fell hook line and sinker.

Now you knew he had given up on you, Spencer didn’t need to try and break you any more, You were already broken. 

He had started letting you out of the room for longer. At first it was just to use the bathroom and then to make you cook for him. Soon you were out the entire time he was home and only locked up at night he would make you lie in the bed with him all night pawing at you or subjecting you to monstrosities you couldn't even fathom or dare to think about then lock you up in the morning before he left. This was the only time you could actually sleep, safe from him knowing he wasn’t here to bring you back out again. 

Throughout you had refused to even give him the satisfaction of speaking to him or making a noise during any of this. 

The routine became monotonous. Leave the cell, take birth control, make his dinner, sit on the floor by his chair, Wait to see if he gave you any scraps. Go to bed, Lie awake all night crying. Back to cell. Cry some more and then finally sleep before the routine started all over again. You had stopped trying to see him or anything outside, You just couldn’t take it. 

You took a particularly bad beating this morning for burning his breakfast, Hugging yourself on the bare mattress you passed out from the pain.

Daryl’s pov

He still felt guilt for giving up the search but Rick was right, There was nothing to be seen. It didn’t stop his eyes from constantly searching for some clue that she had ever been here. 

He looked down from the tower and saw Nicole approaching waving at him to come down. He took one last look out over the walls before climbing down to her

“Hey D.. Spencer’s been put on guard duty straight after you, Do you want me to take over?” 

“Nah Girl i’m fine. His face won’t be if he tries to talk to me though” 

She smiled up at him and reached forward giving him a lingering hug, Daryl cleared his throat starting to feel a little uncomfortable. She backed her head away from him slowly looking into his eyes and kissed him gently before pulling away fully and looking at her feet. 

Daryl was still frozen in place not knowing how to react when she mumbled “Okay then, Well i guess ill see you later?” He just nodded and rushed back up to the tower. Guilt back in his chest. He hadn’t known that Nicole had felt like that about him and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. His heart still fully belonged to Y/N and he didn’t think he would ever have room for anyone else, not at least until he knew what had happened to her. 

Daryl resumed his aimless search beyond the gates searching all the faces of the walkers who had been put down recently to see if any of them could have any of Y/N’s features. He heard Spencer talking to Rick and figured his watch was probably up.

Daryl climbed down from the tower and faced them both waiting for them to finish their conversation, He noticed Nicole heading over and tried to ignore her. He looked Spencer over and that's when he saw it.

Rushing Spencer grabbing him by his neck and throwing him against the gate. “WHERE IS SHE” Rick tried to pull Daryl off of him. “Daryl c’mon brother we searched his place he had nothin to do with it” 

“Oh yeah? Then what’s this?” He reached forward ripping your sunflower from the lapel of Spencer's coat and offered it to Rick. 

“This could be anyone’s Daryl, Let’s not jump to the wrong conclusion” Rick mumbled 

Daryl Growled back “Turn it over, It’s got mine and hers initials on the back.”

Rick turned the pin over and saw it did in fact have the initials on the back. Giving the pin back to Daryl.

“Spencer, Why do you have that?” Rick said, pulling his gun out and training it on Spencer's head.

Spencer had gone sheet white “Yeah it’s hers, She left it at the house when she left me” He shrugged “Couldn’t have meant that much to her” He smirked slightly causing Daryl to jab him in the throat. 

Rick pulled Daryl away “She were wearin it when I left Asshole, The day she went missin, Na tell me WHERE IS SHE” 

Spencer was silent now, Holding his throat and gasping. Daryl turned to Rick “We needa search his place again, Naw!” 

They both lunged forward and grabbed Spencer dragging him between them towards his home, On the march over a few of their original group followed. “What’s going on?” Rosita asked

“We found proof he knows where Y/N is” Rick replied shortly, still dragging Spencer. The group followed more urgently now. They threw Spencer on the ground in front of the house, “Watch him” Daryl growled at Abe who nodded in response. 

They tore through the house searching again. “There’s still nothin here Daryl, We need to interrogate him get some answers'' 

“Nah she's here, I can feel it. Were missin somethin” Daryl’s eyes scanned the hallway “Wait, That bookcase... It aint meant to be there, Help me move it” They both grabbed a side and shifted it. “The basement, This has to be it” Rick said excitedly. They opened the door and ran down the stairs, Eyes instantly locking on the dead bolt on the laundry room door. “There” Rick pointed towards the door Daryl ran over “Y/N” He yelled.

Daryl unlocked the door and what he saw brought him to his knees. “Y/N” He said softly this time. Crawling over to you and shaking you. “Y/N Please Y/N Answer me” He sobbed. He stood up and backed out of the room into Rick. He couldn’t look anymore; he didn’t want to remember her like this. Naked and battered. Dead on a thin mattress on the floor. He was too late, She was still human so this could have only just happened. He was so close.  She had been here only a few houses away all this time, He would never forgive himself for this “It’s ok, I’ll take care of it. Get outta here Daryl” 

Y/N

Daryl? You tried to open your eyes but they were just too heavy. You were sure you heard him and it sounded close. You fought your eyes for a few minutes begging them to open when you felt something being dragged over you, Your hand instinctively reached up to protect yourself. 

Hands grabbed at your shoulders and shook you. “Y/N...Y/N? Can you hear me?” You nodded your head slowly, finally managing to open your eyes. Your eyes roamed the room looking for Daryl. You were sure you had heard him. You tried to speak to ask where he was but all that came out was a painful croak. 

Rick pulled you into his arms softly “It’s ok, It’s ok now. You’re safe. I got you” He muttered softly pulling you closer to him. “I’m going to carry you outta here now, Is that okay Y/N?” You nodded and let him lift you into his arms gently feeling his skin against yours as he had used his shirt to try and cover your nakedness. He adjusted the shirt so it was covering you more fully and carried you through the house to the front porch. 

You saw Daryl now he was on his knees on the floor hands covered in blood, His head in Nicole's arms and in front of him was Spencer he wasn’t moving his eyes were wide, He was dead. 

You tried to call out to Daryl again reaching your arm out slightly. “Shh Y/N Don’t try to talk. We gotta get you to Denise” Rick looked at you and saw the blood staining the shirt he had used to cover you. “Shit, We gotta go now. Stay awake for me Y/N Just stay awake” 

He took off running with you still in his arms “DENISE, DENISE GET OUT HERE NOW” “Stay awake Y/N. Don’t you dare go to sleep on me” You gripped rick tighter with your arms trying to reassure him that you were still conscious. 

Daryl looked up tentatively not believing what he was seeing, Two minutes ago he was so sure you were dead and now Rick was rushing you away, It made no sense. 

They placed you on the examination table in the infirmary Denise quickly removing and assessing your wounds. “Rick grab me some morphine from that cabinet, I also need a needle, wire and some gauze should all be in there” 

He hurriedly put them all on the table next to you and watched her start work, He looked down at you and realised you were naked again. “Uhm Denise if there's nothing else you need. I’ll go and update the guys waiting” You looked at him panicked now grabbing his hand and shook your head no at him. 

“Ok Y/N, OK. I got you, I’m not going anywhere” He sat with you and held your hand the entire time Denise was working you over only letting go to help her or grab something. 

“We’re done, Would you take her through to the other room and get her in a more comfortable bed? And I'll go grab her some food and water.” He nodded at her and mumbled an apology to you before putting his arms around you and lifting you back to his chest again. 

You were shocked by how comforting it was feeling his skin on yours, You nuzzled your head into his chest as he carried you, Finally feeling safe in someone’s arms, Rick tried to put you down on the bed but you couldn’t face this feeling being gone, You knew if he did you would wake up and it would all be a dream. 

Rick looked at you torn but ultimately decided to lie down with you letting you curl into his body. Denise was back then eyeing the two of you before handing over the tray with stew and a bottle of water, Rick nodded his head at her before offering you the tray. The stew was heaven going down you smiled up at Denise gratefully. 

Washing it down with the bottle of water, You tried to speak again. “Daryl..?” Thank god you were scared after two months it may have taken a lot longer for your vocal chords to warm up. Rick just looked at you and shrugged “I thought he’d of been in here by now, I’m sure he will be along soon” 

You took another drink of water “Did he ever love me?” You croaked out desperately. You felt the tears fall down your face, “He never loved me” 

Rick cleared his throat “Any chance you can get her something to wear Denise?” 

Daryl’s pov

He felt Nicole's arms around him dragging him away from Spencer, He had killed her so he had killed him. Daryl had promised him he would, He just wished he had done it sooner, If he had, None of this shit would have happened and he would be lying in bed right now with Y/N happy. 

He was crying into Nicole's chest now wrapping his arms around her and holding on for dear life when he heard a commotion from behind him. He didn’t look. What was the point? Nothing mattered any more. 

Nicole was shaking him then “Daryl, Daryl look” You followed her eye line and saw her, Her eyes were open she was alive? 

He was acutely aware of everything now. He could hear rick screaming for help, Y/N curling arms around his neck as he ran. Carol at his side pulling him to his feet. “C’mon Daryl we gotta get you cleaned up.” He let Carol drag him home in shock. She turned to Nicole “I’ve got him now, I think you should get going. I need to get him to Y/N” She glared at her now, Nicole breaking under the glare “mm okay, I’ll come see you later D?” 

Carol snapped back “I don’t think that’s wise, Bye now” She pulled Daryl into the house with more urgency and sat him down on the same stool she sat him on when she told him Y/N was missing. Carol then brought a wet cloth over and started cleaning his hands, Cleaning the cloth and repeating until the blood was gone, Next she worked on his face and neck removing all signs of the fight with Spencer. 

As she was finishing up there was a frantic knocking on the door, Rushing over to answer she found Denise on the porch. “Hey Carol, Sorry to bother you so late! Any chance you could grab some clothes for Y/N and something for her to sleep in? Oh um also…. Daryl….Could Rick borrow a shirt?” 

Carol smiled at her “Come in Denise, I’ll just be a minute” Carol disappeared down to the basement while Denise made her way to Daryl. 

“You ok?” He briefly nodded back at her. “She is too, you know in case you were wondering?” Was she making it out like he didn’t care? Was she fuckin kiddin? Of course he cared. He just couldn’t face her yet, The shame was overbearing. She had been so close and he hadn’t been the one to save her. 

Carol came back with a handful of clothes and gave them to Daryl. “Go on now, You’ll take these and let poor Denise get some rest!” He just nodded numb knowing better than to even try and argue with Carol. Getting to his feet he shuffled to the door and down to the infirmary. It took him 5 minutes of pacing outside the door before he could get up the courage to go in. 

He knocked on the door Denise had told him they would be in and his heart broke again. There she was still as beautiful as ever, Still naked and wrapped in the wrong arms. It was a nightmare he would have most nights, He threw his shirt at Rick. Glaring at him, Rick tried to move away from Y/N now Daryl was here. “Noo, You said you wouldn’t leave me Rick” She croaked, Rick looked over at Daryl Apologetically before trying to calm Y/N

Daryl knelt on his knees at the side of the bed and tried to hold her hand, Y/N pulled away as if she had been shocked. Fresh tears running down her face. 

She looked up at Rick again. “It’s ok Y/N your safe, He won’t hurt you” 

Y/N’s POV

Daryl was here, He was really here after the last two months desperate to have him see you, You now didn’t know what to do. You were scared he didn’t love you, So why would he be here now. 

You looked at his warily seeing the torment on his face when you pulled away from him and into Rick. Rick said it was safe but was it? You let Rick pull away this time. “Ok, If you say so. Could you uh give us a minute?” 

“Sure Y/N i'll leave you guys too it” 

You nodded a thanks and watched him leave throwing a shirt over his head as he went. You sat in silence watching the door Rick left through. 

“Y/N” His voice was trembling. “Y/N please look at me” “Baby PLEASE” You flinched and wrapped your arms around yourself when he raised his voice. 

“No baby no, Ya aint gotta be scared of me, Please i’d never, I couldn’t. I love ya Y/N” 

Your eyes flared feeling the anger “No you don’t, I could see you. I saw you give up on me. I saw you laughing and getting closer to her. I was made to watch all of it, While he told me how much you didn’t care and all the things you were doing that I couldn’t see…. He said….He said you didn’t love me..,You can’t love me...Look at me Daryl who could ever love me now” 

You felt the bed sink as he climbed onto it with you, You tried to squirm away from him but his arms found you first, He pulled you into his chest and you instantly felt calm...That damn motor oil smell mixed with him was enough to make you melt. You hated that he had this effect on you even now. 

“I’m so sorry baby, I should’ve been here to protect ya, I should’ve been the one to save ya.” He was hugging you tighter and tighter now “I thought ya were dead, I was gonna join ya” He murmured into your hair. 

“I never gave up on ya, not really. I searched every face i saw waiting for ya to come back to me” 

You still stayed silent, too scared to interrupt him you knew he wouldn’t open up like this to you again and as much as your mind was telling you he was lying to you, Your heart was opening up to him again. You wrapped your arms around him suddenly sobbing. 

“I aint ever stop loving you sunflower, Ya my whole heart”

“Why...Look at me i’m ruined” You stuttered

“Ya aint ruined, Ya strong, incredible beautiful” 

“I’m not Daryl, I let him break me. You don’t know the things he did if you knew you’d hate me”

“I’d never hate you Y/N, No matter what he did it wouldn’t change how I feel. Ya can tell me anything.” 

You lay in each other's arms till morning in silence both wide awake just grateful you were in this moment together. When the sun started coming through the windows he broke the silence. 

“Let’s get ya dressed k?” You nodded and let him help you out of bed and pull your pyjamas over you. Once you had finished Denise walked in. “Good morning Y/N How are you feeling?” 

“Sore...Tired… Can i go home now?”

“I’d really like you to stay here for a few more days so i can keep an eye on you but you know your body. D’ya think you will be okay?” 

You nodded quickly to her “Can you took me home? I’d really like to be in my own bed - I mean your bed….If that’s okay?” You looked up at him nervously half expecting him to tell you it was no longer your home. 

He nodded at you. Denise piped up again “Fine but complete bed rest, I’ll be checking on you every few hours i don’t want to catch you on your feet, not even once until you’ve healed more” 

Daryl pulled you into his arms sweeping you off your feet. “Ya heard the lady stay off your feet, Thank ya Doc” 

He strode out of the office quickly happy to have you back in his arms again. It seemed the whole town was out to see you leave waiting on news, Daryl growled at the ones who tried to approach and carried you home as quickly as he could, He paused at the door to the basement. “Ya sure Y/N?” You nodded at him happily “I’m sure” 

He carried you down the stairs and lowered you gently to the bed. You noticed there was a thin layer of dust in here his pillow was even exactly as you had left it. 

Daryl rubbed the back of his head nervously. “Ya uhm i haven’t been in here since well since you were” You grimaced the thought of him in this bed was one of the thoughts that had gotten you through. 

“I’ll let ya sleep Y/N Ya don need me hoverin” 

“Daryl I need you here, I need to know that when I wake up it wasn’t all a dream and you’re still here. Please don’t leave me” Silently he went to his side of the bed and lay down, Arms pinned at his side. You giggled slightly and stopped the feeling and sound so alien to you now, He looked at you curiously as you touched your lips in awed confusion. 

You lifted your head naturally as you always did, This was your prompt for him to squeeze his arm through the gap. You were happy when he followed suit and pulled you to him. 

He breathed in the scent of you “I’m here now baby” This was the moment you had been longing for the entire time you were apart you smiled as you drifted asleep in his arms. 

You had listened to doctors orders for the first time in your life allowing Daryl and Carol to take care of you, You had seen Nicole come around for Daryl a few times with Carol shooing her away. You couldn’t blame her, Even if it did make you a little jealous. He was intoxicating. After the fourth day on bed rest you asked Daryl to help you shower. His eyes grew hard when he helped you undress the pain crossing his face when he saw you fully. He carried you into the shower and left to take off everything but his boxers and vest. He got back in with you and cradled you for a little while letting the water wash over you both before he started to gently wash you.

Feeling his hands run over your body was electric, You couldn’t believe you were capable of feeling such lust for him still. After everything your body had sustained it still wanted him with everything you had. 

He was careful not to touch you too much as he washed your body and then your hair. You could feel him growing hard on your back before he quickly moved his core away from you. 

He left the water on carrying you out of the shower, grabbed a towel wrapping you tightly and brought you back to the bed and leaving you to change. Taking a shirt and some lounge pants with him back to the bathroom. You could hear his wet clothes hit the floor, Knowing he was naked with water cascading down him in the next room was almost enough to send you over the edge. When he came back he was dry and fully dressed again any hint of his growing erection gone. You were sad to see this but also knew you weren’t fully ready for anything to happen yet. 

Daryl joined you in bed again still not speaking a word pulling you into his arms and allowing you to drift peacefully to sleep. 

You awoke suddenly his arms were gone and you could hear rustling on the other side of the room, Allowing your eyes to open slowly you looked over and there he was in all his glory back turned to you looking for a pair of boxers. You couldn’t have stopped yourself even if you had tried, He turned to you as you approached, wrapping your arms around him wanting to feel every inch of exposed beautiful skin. 

He gripped your arms pulling you off of him and quickly dressed. 

Finally he looked at you “Doc says you’re off bed rest now and Rick needs me on guard duty. I’m sorry Y/N but i need to go” You nodded sadly at him, You were being selfish keeping him to yourself all this time. It had probably been killing him being locked away with you not being able to help the group. That was your man. Completely and utterly selfless. 

He kissed you briefly on the forehead before turning and leaving, Calling over his shoulder. “Carol’s waiting upstairs for you, She made breakfast” 

Smiling to yourself it had been too long since you had had some quality time with Carol, Getting changed quickly and lacing your boots up and walking into the kitchen. Your smile grew wider when you saw her and the food on the counter. 

“PANCAKES!” You rushed to the plate “Thank you thank you thank you” You exclaimed digging in immediately. 

You could hear Carol chuckling next to you. “It’s so lovely to see you still love these” 

Then with a wink “I’m still not telling you the secret though” You groaned happily “I’ll get it out of you one day lady” 

She regarded you thoughtfully “Well how about a trade?” You raised your eyebrow at her. “What kind of trade?” You asked with a full mouth 

Carol tutted at you “Y/N don’t talk with your mouth full!” She scolded. You grumbled “Sorry!” 

You smiled at her again, eating the pancakes as quickly as you could, Washing it down with water. 

“Sooooo….What kind of trade?” 

“I’ll tell you my secret ingredient if you tell me what happened down there” You froze panic rising through your veins. She was at your side instantly arms around you comforting you “Y/N i’ve told you about Ed and when i started letting people in and talking about what he did to me it no longer defined me and i was able to move on. I just want the same for you. I won’t push but when you're ready to tell me. I’ll always be ready to listen” 

It was your turn to regard her thoughtfully this time. Sighing you started from the night he took you and forced the words out, Forcing yourself to get it off your chest. Carol looked at you in horror and tears in her eyes when you had finished. 

Pulling you closer she choked out “I’m so sorry Y/N I promise he can’t hurt you any more, He’s with my Ed now. Rotting in hell” 

She had been right once you had spoken about it and shared your horrors. It felt like she was carrying some of the weight for you. Breathing deeply, trying to enjoy the lessening of the pressure on your chest. You spent at least another hour with her just holding you while you both cried. 

Over the next few weeks you found yourself opening up to Carol more and more everyday. You knew that you would never fully be over it especially now things had gone back to how they were before you and Daryl had gotten together the first time. He came home at night wrapping you in his arms and left at first light barely speaking two words to you. 

Your head was wrapped in thoughts of him again when Carol spoke up.

“Ok enough of this now Sweetie, we're getting you out of this house” Carol smiled at you wiping your face with her hand. Jumping to your feet “Yes please!” You left the house arm in arm ignoring the stares from the neighbours and occasionally stopping to say hello to someone or have a quick conversation. You both stopped at the gates looking out. Carol looked up at the tower seeing Daryl was gone. 

“Now for the fun part! We’re going for some smash therapy!” She nodded at Sasha who handed you a bag with weapons, Discussing the small herd on the west side of the fence who were causing a little trouble. Sasha flung the gate open quickly and you both ran out. Laughing, finally feeling free outside of those stuffy gates you quickly turned serious, running after Carol gripping the two machete’s in your hands. 

You worked together drawing a few away at a time and swiftly taking them down. Exhausted but happy you made your way back to the gate knocking on the front. The gate opened sharply. 

Shit… It wasn’t Sasha.. 

Daryl’s POV

All this time he had waited for you to be back in his arms, He was torn. He felt like the luckiest man on the planet and also like the worst one. He felt so guilty every time he saw her face and what that monster had done to her beautiful body. 

When Denise had come to say that Y/N was cleared to resume as normal all he could think about was getting away from those mixed up feelings for a few hours and was even more grateful when Rick had asked him to go back to guard duty. 

He was just about to pull some clothes on when he felt her grab him, He pulled her arms from him pinning them to her side and quickly dressed feeling ashamed. He wanted her more than anything but he knew if he had felt her skin on his for even a moment longer he would give in to his primal urges and after all she had been through he couldn’t risk that now.

He ran out telling her about breakfast nodded to Carol and headed to the guard tower not thinking in his rush. He climbed up to the top and saw Nicole waiting for him “Uhm Hey Stranger” He smiled “Hey yaself” he reached over his shoulder to grab his - Shit. “I’ll be back gotta go get ma bow” Nicole nodded at him and turned her eyes back outwards. 

He climbed back down and ran back to the house. Not wanting to disturb Carol & Y/N he opened the door softly and crept into the hall, He was inches away from his bow when he heard Y/N talking “He forced himself on me night after night Carol and if i fought he made it a thousand times worse, He would cut me or use a cattle prod on me and if they weren’t close enough it was whatever was closest at the time.” Daryl froze in the hall her words washing revulsion over him.

He didn’t want to hear anymore but he couldn’t make his legs move so he stayed in place just listening to her talk wanting to kill the son of a bitch all over again. After what felt like an eternity he heard Carol console her and he was finally able to move his limbs again. Creeping back outside he felt the sickness come over him and darted behind the house loosing his breakfast. 

He made his way back to the guard tower trying to forget all the things he had heard. He found it even hard to look at her now the shame was becoming a part of him tearing him limb from limb every time she looked at him. He was sure she felt it too, How she didn’t hate him for what she had been through he didn’t know Daryl despised himself. 

He kept out of her way only coming home to sleep and comfort her in the night when it was too dark to see those beautiful eyes staring up at him. 

Nicole had become his solace once more, She was easy to be around and made him laugh, Forgetting for a few moments about the hidden guilt he carried with him now.

He was with her coming onto guard laughing as usual with Nicole's hand on his chest when he saw them return. Y/N had to be covered head to toe in walker blood. Seething he ran to the gate pulling it violently open.

Y/N Pov

“WHAT THE FUCK Y/N YA TRYING TO FUCKIN GET YASELF KILLED?” He screamed at you. You froze walking back into Carol in fear. 

She walked inside with you covering your body with hers. “Daryl, Enough!” Carol snapped at him. 

He roared eyes dark “NO ITS NOT ENOUGH, YA COULDA OF DIED Y/N. I WASN'T THERE TO KEEP YA SAFE, YA’D BE DEAD AND I WOULD BE HERE” He choked “Alone...Alone again” Nicole walked forward and put her hand on his shoulder.

You were sobbing now, Rick had wandered over hearing Daryl’s shouts. You darted over to him. Instinctively wrapping your arms around him and burying yourself in his chest. Rick had checked in on you everyday since he rescued you and you found yourself being drawn to him, Not in the same way as Daryl he wasn’t quite the sun in your universe. But he was comforting to spend time around, He listened to you and it was only him and Carol that didn’t look at you like a wounded animal. 

Rick wrapped his arms around you protectively. “Daryl quit your hollerin, What's goin on here”

Daryl watched you seek protection from him and it was just too much, He turned and walked away muttering to himself. “C’mon you two, Come tell me what just happened” Rick said once Daryl had disappeared with Nicole following him.

You all walked back to Rick’s home that he shared with his son Carl and infant Daughter Judith. You happily sunk to the floor hugging Judith. There was something so comforting about being around an innocent that didn’t know of this world and its pain yet. You wished you could protect her from all of it.

Carol sat with Rick and guiltily explained what the two of you had done. You could tell Rick wasn’t happy with it but let it go when he saw that you were both completely unharmed. 

You had tried to talk to Daryl after that and he had pretended you didn’t exist. You were grateful that because of your growing friendship with Rick he had let you stay with him and the kids. 

You found yourself spending more time watching Daryl wishing he would just look at you but he never did. 

It was on one of these nights watching him that you saw it and he broke you all over again..

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[ibijau]

Futures Past pt14 / On AO3

three conversations as Nie Huaisang's time in Gusu comes to an end

Summer had finally come to an end, implacable heat replaced by a more pleasant warmth as the world took on new hues. It also meant that the final few exams of the year were fast approaching, though Nie Huaisang felt unconcerned. He’d been ordered to fail after all, not that he thought he could have succeeded even if he’d tried.

Comforted by that permission to not study, he was currently laying in the grass in the back hills of the Cloud Recesses, enjoying the afternoon sun. A history book, chosen for the promise of the many scandals it revealed about a past emperor’s reign, laid forgotten on his chest, Nie Huaisang having realised that the contents were far more serious than he felt like dealing with at the moment. At some other time he might have taken a nap, encouraged by the warmth, but he’d found it difficult to sleep since that visit of his future self a few days earlier.

Just as Nie Huaisang was about to pick up his book again, Su She finished his series of sword forms and came to lay on the grass as well. He was sweaty and looked tired, but appeared quite happy with himself. Su She had confessed that he’d made a real leap forward with his cultivation since teachers and other disciples stopped constantly putting him down, something for which Nie Huaisang felt as proud as if it had been his own progress.

They stayed silent for a while, just basking in the sun, enjoying that beautiful day, until Nie Huaisang found that his recent worries were too heavy on his chest and he had to share them.

“Su-xiong?”

Su She made a noise to signify he’d heard, but couldn’t be bothered to speak. He looked comfortable, and had closed his eyes as if he might succeed with the nap that eluded Nie Huaisang. It was almost a shame to ruin that.

“Do you think people can be so evil that nothing will redeem them?”

The silence changed around them. After a moment Su She sat up to get a look at Nie Huaisang. Finding him looking serious, Su She’s initial puzzlement quickly turned into mild irritation at being dragged into a discussion like that on such a pleasant afternoon.

“Gusu Lan’s principles state that…”

“Not you as a Lan disciple,” Nie Huaisang cut him with an impatient gesture. “You as a person. Do you think people can be so evil that there’s no going back for them, that nothing they could do or say would ever compensate for what they’ve done?”

Some of Su She’s irritation eased away, glad as always to be given a chance to voice an opinion that wasn’t that of his sect, and he laid down on the grass again.

“That’s a pretty intense question,” Su She said after a moment. “I guess there’s got to be a limit to what’s forgivable, yeah. I’m not the best to decide what that’d be though. I’ve been told I have an issue with holding grudges. But I think yeah, in general, there’s got to be a moment where a bad person becomes so bad there’s no going back and they just need to be eliminated.”

It wasn’t the answer Nie Huaisang had been hoping for, but it didn’t exactly surprise him either. He thought the same after all, if only because a person such as Wen Ruohan existed, proving to him that some people had to be beyond redemption.

“Then do you think…”

“What’s wrong with you today? Was this morning’s lecture about ethics again?”

“It was about the proper way to address people depending on family and allegiance links, and I fell asleep. No, this is something else. I’m just thinking about stuff lately.”

“Like good and evil? That must have been a pretty nasty nap you took.”

Nie Huaisang shrugged. “I just wonder what makes a person bad or good. Do you think some people can be bad from birth? Just, they’re born and they’re evil, and there’s no way they’re ever going to be anything but evil.”

It really bothered him, the things his future self had said during his last visit. About Lan Xichen, about Su She, but mostly the way he’d spoken of that Xue Yang boy, as if that child were no better than a cockroach needing to be squashed before it could proliferate.

“I think there’s definitely people who think that about some other people,” Su She said. “I’m pretty sure if you asked some of the other Lan disciples, they’d say I’m like that, just because I have a temper and I don’t hug their knees quite enough and I ask too many questions during some lessons. I guess it’s easier to hate someone if you tell yourself they’re the worst and they deserve it.”

“You’re not evil!” Nie Huaisang cried out, reaching out for his friend’s hand. “You’re not! I’ll fight anyone who says you are!”

Surprised by that outburst, Su She blinked a few times then snorted, pushing away Nie Huaisang’s hand.

“I appreciate it, but it didn’t go so well last time you tried to fight for my honour.”

“I’ll still fight all of them!”

Su She laughed, but appeared quite happy to hear that. Even now that other Lans gave him less of a hard time, he still liked being reminded that Nie Huaisang was on his side, just as he made sure Nie Huaisang knew the opposite was true as well.

That was why Nie Huaisang was telling him about his thoughts, rather than going to Lan Qiren or even Lan Xichen who surely might have more elaborate opinions on the matter of good and evil. Su She might not have read quite as much, but he was also less likely to judge Nie Huaisang for asking that kind of thing. Besides, since Su She’s opinions were often less polished, they felt more honest than if he’d quoted great thinkers of the past.

“But really, do you think a person can actually be evil from birth?” Nie Huaisang insisted when Su She had stopped laughing. “Like. Like a child, but they’re evil. Do you think that’s possible?”

Su She grabbed a strand of grass, and started twisting it between his fingers.

“Maybe. But like I said, people will mostly say that about someone they don’t like, or someone that doesn’t play by their rules, or else they’re not from a prestigious family and they’re just doing what they have to survive.”

He paused to pluck some more grass to play with, and started constructing a knot with it.

“I have a great-uncle I’ve never met,” Su She explained. “He owned a farm before he died where he worked hard, until there was a very bad drought and hard work wasn’t enough anymore. My grandfather often said that people called his brother evil because he did some bad things to feed his wife and children, and some of it really was pretty awful I guess. But nobody ever called evil the magistrate that wanted to force him to pay his taxes instead of buying food. My great-uncle was executed for his crimes and everyone said he’d always been evil and vicious even though they used to praise him as a good man before, but the magistrate got a promotion for making sure taxes were still paid and he got called virtuous. And that’s… I don’t know, I feel there’s something not right in that, you know?”

Nie Huaisang nodded, his eyes fixed on the grass knot that Su She wouldn't stop twisting between his fingers.

His older self had said that this Xue Yang he had to kill was an orphan, and a thief of some sort even though he was just ten.

It would be harder to be virtuous and noble for someone who didn’t have anyone to turn to. Nie Huaisang had his whole family behind him, all the education anyone could have, he knew about ethics and rules, and he still found it hard sometimes to make the right choices. He was too lazy and selfish to ever be really good, and apparently he wasn’t going to improve with age. So how could a child on his own, without books or wise elders, learn to be a good person, especially if like Nie Huaisang they’d been given a bad personality?

“Ok, I have another question.”

Su She sighed, and threw away his grass knot.

“Is it a weird one again?”

Nie Huaisang grimaced.

“Yeah, that one is pretty weird,” he admitted. “So, imagine there’s a very evil person. The most evil you can think of, but you don’t actually know them, it’s just that someone told you that person is very evil. And, for some reason, you’re given a chance to go back to when they were a little kid, and that person who told you this other guy is evil also tells you that you should take the chance and kill the evil person while he’s a kid to save other people. Would you do it, or would you try to… I don’t know, maybe try to make that kid grow up around better people so maybe he doesn’t turn out so bad?”

“Those questions are getting really specific.”

“Just answer. Do you think it’d be right to kill that kid?”

Su She fell silent for a moment.

“Do I trust the person who told me the kid will be evil later?”

Nie Huaisang considered that question.

“Yeah. I guess for the sake of the argument, you trust that person,” he said, even though he wasn’t quite sure how much he did trust his older self.

“And has the kid done anything evil yet?”

“No, but he’s done bad things. Maybe he stole some stuff. But also, he’s an orphan, you know?”

Su She sat up and gave his friend a sharp look.

“Really specific again. I guess… I guess it’d be wrong to kill him though. I mean, it’s like you said, why not try to put him in a better place instead? If he’s just a kid, and he hasn’t done anything bad yet… I don’t think it’s really fair to punish someone for something they haven’t even done yet.”

“Right? I think so too. People should get a chance before they’re punished. They’ve got to have a chance to learn!”

Su She nodded, but look more and more suspicious.

“So, is this all about someone in particular, or…”

“I’m just wondering stuff,” Nie Huaisang quickly said. The truth was too weird for anyone to ever believe, even if he tried to tell someone. Su She would just think he was crazy. Maybe he was, anyway. “I’ve got to think about something during boring lessons, right? I mean, don’t you start thinking about weird stuff too?”

“Sometimes I think about leaving the Cloud Recesses and creating my own sect when I’m bored,” Su She replied.

Nie Huaisang sat up, a grin on his face.

“Really? What would it be like?”

“Like Gusu Lan, but better,” Su She retorted with a smug smile. “And I’d get to sleep half a shichen later in the morning. You’re welcome to join us if you’d like, since you know how to play the guqin now. You can be my right hand man.”

Nie Huaisang’s grin only grew larger. It sounded like a delightful idea, and he eagerly dropped all his earlier thoughts about ethics and morality to instead make Su She talk about the sect of his dreams, until it was time for dinner.

-

That had to have been Lan Qiren’s most boring lecture to date. Quite the accomplishment, Nie Huaisang thought. Another accomplishment, and one far more impressive, was the fact that he’d managed to stay awake through all of it. It was really hard lately to pay attention, especially now that he didn’t need to. His grades during tests had been so consistently low that he couldn’t have passed even if he tried, so he really should have been allowed to skip those last few lessons and go have fun somewhere. He was going to hear all that stuff again in a year, wasn’t he?

If he hadn’t feared the Lans’ punishment methods, Nie Huaisang would have skipped all these stupid classes and ran off to Gusu for some fun.

If he hadn’t feared his brother’s wrath, he would also have stopped bothering with homework. But Lan Xichen had hinted to him, not unwisely, that Nie Mingjue might be a little less angry if he could be shown proof that his brother had really tried to learn. And considering the stunt Nie Huaisang was thinking of pulling with Xue Yang… 

So, Nie Huaisang had stayed awake in class, and he’d been handed back some previous homework with a grade so high he’d actually asked Lan Qiren if there hadn’t been a mistake. Lan Qiren had told him that if the grade didn’t please him, it was always possible to lower it, so Nie Huaisang had kept his mouth shut after that. 

The rest of the lesson had passed surprisingly fast after that, and soon enough Nie Huaisang was free again, with a whole afternoon ahead of him. He had new homework to deal with, sure, and it was something that would be graded again, but that didn’t feel urgent. Sadly, Su She had already warned that he wouldn’t be free to hang out that day, due to being allowed to go on a Night Hunt with some other Lan juniors, something he’d been very excited about. That meant Nie Huaisang would have to stay on his own, or go bother Lan Xichen. 

The second option felt surprisingly compelling, even though they’d already see each other in three days for his music lesson. Lan Xichen was sure to praise him for his good grade after all, and Nie Huaisang quite enjoyed being praised, as he’d discovered. If more people praised him, he might start feeling like doing something to deserve it.

Nie Huaisang had just decided he’d try to see if Lan Xichen had time for him when Jin Zixun grabbed him by the elbow and started pulling him away from everyone else.

"How come you had a good grade on that essay?" Jin Zixun asked with unwarranted suspicion.

Nie Huaisang, who had briefly wondered if he was going to get punched again and was getting ready to escape, relaxed and allowed the other boy to drag him away.

"I'm actually very smart, thanks." 

"You're only smart on homework and never on quizzes," Jin Zixun retorted. "Is your merchant friend helping you?" 

That earned him a light kick to the shin, which he didn’t appear to feel.

"Don’t call him that!” Nie Huaisang warned. “And, no, he's said he doesn't want to think about learning when we hang out."

"Then it's Lan gongzi who does your homework for you."

That hit a little too close. Stung in his pride, Nie Huaisang’s freed himself from Jin Zixun’s grip and stopped walking, arms crossed on his chest.

"He doesn't! He just corrects my drafts! And lately most of what's in my essays is all my own, actually! I only fail in quizzes because I panic and because I don't have enough time."

It was something he’d realised during his music lessons with Lan Xichen, actually. Nie Huaisang needed to do things at his own speed, or else he couldn’t do things at all. It wasn’t a problem with Lan Xichen who allowed him to take breaks and even have a snack if he struggled too much to focus, but Lan Qiren and the other teachers hadn’t taken it too well when he’d tried to eat candies during quizzes, or when he started doodling during an exam because it helped him focus. It also fell into deaf ears when he pleaded to be given a little more time when, by some random chance, he actually did know the answer to a question and had so much to say that the allotted time wasn’t enough.

By comparison, homework was easy. Especially when Lan Xichen allowed him to come into his room and work there while he dealt with his own work. The company of a studious person really helped. 

"Fine,” Jin Zixun said, grabbing his arm again. “Then you're going to help me with my essays. I’m just barely passing and if I don't get a good grade on the last set of homework, old man Lan is going to make me come back next year."

Jin Zixun started pulling again, but Nie Huaisang resisted this time.

"Why should I help you?" 

"Because your grades are so bad you're sure to be sent back next year, and then we'd be stuck together again." 

"I need to think. I don't care that much about being stuck with you. You're not the worst person I know." 

"I'm… not?" Jin Zixun asked, sounding so shocked that Nie Huaisang snorted.

"Not even close to it," Nie Huaisang assured him, thinking of his future self. With that point of comparison, a lot of people had become almost agreeable to him. 

"Oh. I'm not sure I have another argument in my favour," Jin Zixun admitted. "Usually that one is enough." 

Nie Huaisang snorted again. He could imagine that a lot of people would do whatever Jin Zixun asked of them, just so he’d stop talking to them for a little while. He was, after all, a complete prick, without skill or above average good looks to compensate. Still, Nie Huaisang felt a little sorry for him.

Besides, he was convinced that his future self would hate to see him waste time being nice to someone whom he didn’t deem useful, and that really sealed the deal.

"Okay I'll help,” he sighed, as if conceding to something that cost him a lot, when in truth he didn’t mind that much. “But only because I'm sorry for you."

"Hey!" 

"And I'm just helping,” Nie Huaisang warned. “You're still doing the actual work.”

“You’re just lazy,” Jin Zixun complained, pulling again on Nie Huaisang’s arm who, this time, willingly started to follow him toward the cabin where the Jin disciples stayed.

“I sure am,” Nie Huaisang agreed with a bright smile. “And I’m also thirsty, so let’s have tea while you work!”

Jin Zixun complained and grumbled and called him spoiled, but still did serve him what had to be the best tea he had on hand as they worked together.

-

A loud, discordant rang through the otherwise silent room until Nie Huaisang put down his hands on the guqin’s strings to silence it. His eyes prickled with tears yet unspilled. It was a simple enough melody, and he’d worked on it all week, wanting to surprise Lan Xichen with his progress by playing for him something they hadn't worked on together. Even the other Nie disciples, who fluctuated between indifference and annoyance at his new obsession with music, had praised him for playing it so well the night before.

But now he was there, in Lan Xichen’s room, trying to actually play that damn melody, and his fingers just refused to obey him.

“Give me another chance,” he begged, quickly pressing the back of his hand to one eye, just to make sure he hadn’t actually started crying. “I swear I can play it! I worked so hard on it, I’ll show you!”

“If you say you can play it, I believe you,” Lan Xichen replied. “You’ve had a rough day, it’s normal to be affected. Let’s put away the guqin for now and have some tea instead. It’ll do you good.”

When Lan Xichen got up and turned around to go boil water, Nie Huaisang felt a few tears of frustration fall on his cheek which he quickly wiped away. It was stupid, and it wasn’t fair, and he hated that things could impact him life that.

“It’s not like I thought I had any chance of passing anyway,” he hissed, hands clenching into fists. “I knew I was going to fail, it’s stupid that I’m upset about this!”

“Knowing something and actually experiencing it aren’t the same,” Lan Xichen replied. “It’s normal to be upset, Huaisang.”

Nie Huaisang shrugged, and wiped another tear. What did Lan Xichen know about failing anyway? He was always stupidly perfect, always did everything well, a favourite of every teacher, admired by all their peers, far more handsome than a boy of eighteen had any right to be, with a cultivation level that only Nie Mingjue, a freak of nature, could surpass. It was easy for Lan Xichen to say being upset was normal, when he’d probably never failed anything in his entire life.

By the time Lan Xichen returned to the table with a teapot and two glasses, Nie Huaisang was sulking, though thankfully he was too angry at himself to cry anymore. Lan Xichen took one look at him and went to fetch something else. He carefully put a little wooden box in front of Nie Huaisang, then started pouring tea for both of them.

“Take one,” Lan Xichen encouraged, nodding toward the box. “Take as many as you like, in fact. Just don’t tell anyone about them. I’m not supposed to have those.”

Intrigued, Nie Huaisang opened the box and discovered an array of cheap candies, which made Nie Huaisang grin against his will.

“What happened to the rules about avoiding unhealthy foods?”

“Wangji would have a fit,” Lan Xichen sighed, eyes glancing toward the door, as if just by mentioning his name, Lan Wangji might appear out of thin air to scold them. “But I know I can trust you to keep the secret.”

“No choice, you’ve made me an accomplice,” Nie Huaisang replied, grabbing one piece of candy. It was disgustingly sweet, almost making his jaw ache.

So he reached for another, his fingers briefly brushing against Lan Xichen who’d done the same. Nie Huaisang quickly removed his hand, startled at the sensation of warm skin.

“Lan gongzi, what if you adopted me as your new little brother?” Nie Huaisang suggested to try and pretend he hadn't had such a strong reaction just from an accidental touch. “I promise to be a very good didi. I will never get upset at you for wanting to have a little fun sometimes, and I’ll never denounce you to Lan Qiren either. And you will be my nice Lan-gege… ah ! Better yet, you'll be Xichen-ge! Always kind and patient, and you won’t mind at all that I’m bad at everything because I’m very sweet and funny.”

“A tempting offer,” Lan Xichen replied with an odd smile. “Wangji certainly never calls me ‘ge’ because he finds it too informal, whereas I think I quite like it, so I might adopt you just for that. But alas, Mingjue-xiong would be heartbroken if I stole his beloved brother from him, and so I must decline.”

Nie Huaisang took a sip of tea and sighed deeply.

“I don’t think he’ll mind at all. As it is, he might just disown me himself anyway.”

"Your brother will understand," Lan Xichen replied while taking another candy. "He'll be angry at first, but it won't last. If it worries you so much, I can write to him and tell him how hard you've been working. It's a shame homework doesn't count more toward passing, or I do think you'd be graduating."

Nie Huaisang shrugged. It was always like that: if he was good at something, it was always something which didn't matter. Even being skilled at music… what good was that to anyone, in the end? 

"What if he doesn't forgive me though?" 

"He will," Lan Xichen replied with confidence. "You are his precious little brother, I don't think he could ever stay mad at you very long." 

Nie Huaisang thought of his older self, so convinced that Nie Mingjue despised him, and sighed. 

"Maybe someday he'll get tired of forgiving me. Maybe someday I'll… maybe someday I'll do something that's too much," he muttered, thinking of his plan regarding Xue Yang. "I'll go too far, and then he'll hate me. And if he hates me, I'll…" 

"Your brother loves you," Lan Xichen said. "He loves you as much as you love him. I don't think there's anything in the world that could change that."

That sounded like a challenge. As it happened, Nie Huaisang had given that topic a lot of thought lately, and he'd reached a conclusion. 

"I can think of at least two things I could do that would make him hate me," he announced. 

"Is that so?" Lan Xichen asked with a smile, as if he really believed such a thing to be impossible. 

That gave Nie Huaisang some comfort. Lan Xichen was Nie Mingjue's best friend in the world, as close to him as he was to Su She. Lan Xichen had to know Nie Mingjue better than anyone else did, even if things were fated to start going bad between them someday. 

"I could betray him to Wen Ruohan," Nie Huaisang said. "He'd never forgive that." 

Lan Xichen took a sip of tea and nodded. 

"Not if you did it on purpose, no. But I also think it isn't in your nature to willingly side with his enemies, and he would forgive you if you were tricked into it." 

"Xichen-ge has a very high opinion of me, I feel undeserving." 

"I'm only stating the truth. Now, what's the other thing you think Mingjue-xiong wouldn't forgive?" 

"Marrying into Lanling Jin." 

Lan Xichen chortled. 

A real, honest to god, ugly laugh. He tried to hide it under a cough, but it was too late, Nie Huaisang had heard it and it delighted him. So even the ever perfect first jade of Gusu Lan could laugh like that! 

"Well? What do you think of that one?" 

"I think you're right this time," Lan Xichen agreed, still coughing. "It might be too much for him. In fact, I'll even say you'd deserve it." 

"What? Xichen-ge, how cruel!" Nie Huaisang lamented, one hand over his heart. "Maybe I’ve found my one true love, and…”

“So all Jin Zixun had to do was break your nose and now you want to marry him?”

“Oh that’s pushing the joke too far,” Nie Huaisang said with a grimace, quickly bringing one hand to his nose, following the bone with one finger to try and feel the break. “He’s not my type at all, and anyway we’re both brats, it wouldn’t work out at all. Still, in theory, if I were to marry into Lanling Jin…”

Lan Xichen only smiled more widely. 

“Would you, though?”

“Why not? There’s got to be a few that are decent. I mean, Zixun is occasionally almost tolerable, he can’t be the only one.”

“Oh, certainly there are some very fine people in that sect. I was talking more about the fact that you’d have to wear yellow for the rest of your life. Is that really something you could put up with?”

Thinking of the way those Jin disciples dressed, Nie Huaisang gasped and pressed both hands to his mouth to silence a cry of horror.

“That’s a good point! It’s not even a nice shade of yellow, either!" he cried out, trying to picture himself wearing it. It would be awful, he quickly decided. "I think it would wash out my complexion and make me look sickly. Maybe if it were a touch closer to brown, or even better a bit greenish, maybe I could consider it, but I really can’t marry into a sect that favours such a dreadful colour. I guess I’ll… why are you smiling?”

Lan Xichen, once more hiding his face behind his sleeve, turned away as if it might help dissimulate his grin. 

“Because you are quite funny," he chuckled. "I don’t think anyone else would consider it a deal-breaker for marriage that they don’t like another sect’s colour.”

“Easy for you to say, Xichen-ge, you’d look good in any hue! Some of us have to be careful!”

Lan Xichen lowered his hand, his face suddenly serious once more except for a certain glint in his eyes.

“Huaisang, you really sell yourself short sometimes. I think you’d look quite good in any colour,” he eagerly said, before breaking into a fit of giggles as he added: “Any colour except Jin yellow, that is.”

It wasn’t even that funny, Nie Huaisang thought as he started laughing too. But Lan Xichen’s unexpected hilarity was too contagious to be resisted, and he’d been feeling down all day, so he just went for it and enjoyed the moment. It took them ages to ever calm down.

When they did though, Lan Xichen suggested that perhaps Nie Huaisang might try again to play that song he’d practiced.

This time, he played it perfectly, better even than he’d ever done before.

[jesswritesthat]

hey babe! i love your writing so much!!! so i recently watched kaguya-sama: love is war and i was wondering if you could do a headcanon of kuroo, bokuto and atsumu where their crush gets sick and they visit her and she drags them into her bed to sleep with them? you can decide how it ends. thank you so much in advance if you do end up writing this! i love you and take care of youself💞

Hello lovely! Thank you so much for this, I’ve never seen Kaguya-Sama but it sounds really cute. Also take care of yourself too and I hope these are okay! Much love 💕

Summary: Bokuto, Kuroo and Atsumu checking up on their sick crush headcanons

>>>>—————————>

Bokuto Kōtarō:

• Has felt like he's been missing something all day but couldn't quite decipher what it was until Akaashi mentions how you're off sick.

• Thats when your phone is bombarded with ‘urgent’ messages inquiring about your wellbeing to the dramatic extent of:

[ Kou: (N/N)! You haven't answered me yet, are yOu StiLl AliVe?! ]

[ (N/n): no ]

[ Kou: Aw, can I have your cool headphones then, since you won't be needing them anymore? 😁💕 ]

[ (N/n): Wow Kou, I'll haunt your dumbass at Volleyball games for that. ]

[ Kou: Even in death, your support means everything to me. ]

• Despite his nonsense he kept updated with you throughout the school day by sending memes in hopes of raising your spirits. The most peace you got was during Volleyball Club time - the Ace too invested to message you at that point.

• At the end though he calls his team for a serious discussion and they're all expecting major improvements on their gameplay ready for Nationals.

But no.

"What can I get (N/n) to make her feel better, this is crucial. I need only good ideas!"

• They all knew about his crush on you, he wasn't exactly secretive about it but you were none the wiser. Even so, Fukurōdani offered what advice they could to their friend because like him, they cared about you too.

• "Akaashi picked up your schoolwork." Bokuto says as he walks into your room, waving the papers and placing them on your side.

"And you didn't think to take notes for me?"

"Nah, I wanted to bring you good stuff."

"Fair point."

• Bokutos likely brought everything he could find once he went home and changed/showered - he's got flowers, your favourite snacks, drinks, medicine and some movies to cure your boredom. Like how much do I owe you???

He's says it's fine though, in return you have to be better by tomorrow.

That's not how it works Kou.

• You're both seated on your bed watching some shitty movie when you start getting a bit sleepy and you just want warmth.

"Can you give me a hug Kōtarō? I just need a hug, I know how weird that sounds..."

• Doesn't even think twice about it, he practically tackles you onto the covers which elicits lovely giggles from you - the potential of him getting sick too isn't even considered, he's just focused on being with you and making you feel better.

• His arms are so warm and they’re beautiful, you forgot how toned he is and you grow so comfortable in his embrace. He’s also really relaxed about it and is calm enough to ramble on normally - except when you nuzzle against him during a cold shiver. Bokuto full on freezes mid sentence, releasing a cautious breath prior to changing the subject.

• It’s obvious he’s content with you though, and surprisingly falls asleep first which makes you laugh. Kōtarō keeps a strong but delicate hold on your body and is subconsciously receptive enough to your every move. You adjusted yourself slightly which stirred him, his voice is much huskier than before due to sleep but remains concerned.

“Can’t you sleep (Y/n)? I can-“

“I’m fine, you’re keeping me warm.”

• With a nod of understanding he’s gone again and you follow shortly afterwards, the both of you unintentionally making the nap a sleepover. Which you only realise the next morning - still in his arms even if the position has changed. You take a few minutes to enjoy it.

• Miraculously doesn't get sick, his immune system must be immortal as he's brimming with energy once he gets up. His radiance is actually contagious as you feel much better in yourself too and his vibrant attitude really motivates you for the day despite being physically exhausted from beating the flu.

• "Your partner is going to be blessed if you bring them breakfast, I mean talk about amazing." You comment as he brings up a plate that he’d crafted in your kitchen, which is surprisingly decent. You suppose he must keep his body fit somehow.

"My crush will have to do for now."

"Wait I - ah, you have a crush on me?"

"Hah, didn't you know? I never tried to hide it or anything."

Kuroo Tetsurō:

• Notices your absence immediately, he's observant by nature but especially where his crush is concerned and he isn't afraid to contact you before class starts.

• "Hey (Y/n), it's Kuroo, are you running late today?"

"Hnn, I'm not gonna make it. I tried but I feel awful - Sickness: 1, (L/n): 0." Already by the grogginess in your voice he can tell you're under the weather and winces at the sound of you stifling a cough.

"Ah geez, go to bed would you? And drink plenty of water, I'll inform the teachers and everything."

"Thanks Tetsurō, I owe you one."

• Will message you at regular intervals throughout the day regarding your health with cute little reminders. You were on his mind frequently, he’s lowkey worried okay?

[ Tetsu: Drink water, and eat breakfast if you can. ]

[ (Y/n): Yeah yeah I have, go learn something. ]

[ Tetsu: Why are you replying? Shouldn't you be sleeping it off - I don't want your germs. ]

[ (Y/n): Sharing is caring. ]

[ Tetsu: Oya? It took a cold for you finally admit you care, so is it gonna take a pandemic to say you love me? 😏 ]

[ (Y/n): 🖕🏻]

• Is actually considerate enough to tell you he'll swing by after practice, and asks if you want anything from the shop so you give basics like water and tablets. Comes equipped with the extra notes he's taken from all of your shared classes and requested papers from teachers in those you don't, so you're not falling behind.

• Aside from the bare minimum you requested, he chucks your favourite snacks on your desk stating that it’s important to keep morale high too. Liar. He just wanted to do something nice for you.

• Checks your temperature despite your protests of not being a child, he only does this because it vexes you and Kuroo finds that cute. As a silent apology for teasing the Hell out of you, he’ll make you some tea and you both get lost in conversation.

• Notices you’re starting to doze off, rest you should’ve had instead of texting everyone - but ensuring everything is fine, he’s about to stealthily exit until your fingers grasp his wrist and tug him back slightly.

"Stay Tetsurō..."

"You'll likely regret that request once you wake up."

"S'ok, it's you."

• The strength you have when tugging him into bed with you catches him completely off guard and he’s actually blushing - doesn’t know what to say but knows he has to at least maintain some composure.

“So uh, never knew you wanted me this badly.”

“Ugh shut up dumbass, I can feel your rapid heartbeat from here.”

“Right...”

• Kuroo goes all shy, you’ve wrapped your arms around his waist and are comfortably leaning against his side and he absentmindedly runs his fingers soothingly up and down your arm to settle his own nerves.

• It’s peacefully silent, simply enjoying one another’s company before he hears your muffled sniffles indicating you’ve fallen asleep and a soft smile graces his lips. If you were his, then he’d definitely kiss your forehead, and lips to be honest, but the fact you aren’t leaves him with a disappointed sigh.

• You both end up taking a nap, waking up wrapped in each other’s arms and noses practically touching which startled the Captain - Kuroo literally falling off of your bed with a yelp much to your amusement. Afterwards, he departs suggesting you get more rest, get better soon and he’ll see you at school next week.

• At least that was the plan, which altered with the text exchange the following morning.

[ Kuroo: Sharing is not caring, I wanted your snacks not your sickness! ]

[ (Y/n): RIP us. 💀 ]

[ Tetsu: You owe me one remember? I've got the house to myself this weekend so would you like to suffer together? I have blankets, entertainment and food. ]

[ (Y/n): Beats sniffling alone, I'll bring the tissues and drugs. ]

• So, you went over with a trail of sneezing in your wake and ended up snuggled with Kuroo under a blanket with a variety of games gracing the TV as you skilfully passed around the tissues. Aside from being ill, spending time like this with him was perfect.

• "Sickness: 2, (L/n) and Kuroo: 0..."

"No, Kuroo: 1.”

"How so? You K.O. a sneeze or something?"

"I got to spend the day with you didn't I? That counts as a win in my book."

"Tch careful, anyone would think the Scheming Captain cares~"

"I do smartass, I care about you a lot (Y/n)..."

Miya Atsumu:

• Atsumu wasn't one to act needy in any way, the only excuse for him to contact you in regards to your absence was to do it with a remark and hope you'd elaborate.

[ Atsumu: Yo, are ya ditching me to survive English on my own? That's cold (Y/n) 😭 ]

[ (Y/n): Sorry 'Tsumu, I'm too busy dying to care rn. Have a fun missing me loser. ]

[ Atsumu: Hah you wish, you alright tho? ]

• You're good friends but he's never really expressed genuine concern about you before, not verbally anyway. You thought the final "K" after you'd told him you were gonna rest would be the end of it.

So you were beyond surprised when he rocked up to your house later that evening.

• It took everything you had not to mock him for his embarrassed stature, solely flustered by the fact you'd seen him so considerate. Admittedly you were also exhausted and probably couldn't think of a snarky reply anyway.

• "What's up? Was there homework or - ugh, or something?"

"Huh? Oh I dunno. But uh, I got 'Samu to make you some Okayu, and a Umeboshi Tea since it's good for colds and stuff."

• Totally pestered Osamu all day to help him make you something and had to do stupid favours in return but Atsumu will deny it if you ever ask.

• “I love how you don’t care what you look like when you have guests over.”

“Take your stupid backhanded compliments and shove them up your pretty litt-“ You bite back, flipping him off in the process while Atsumu remains proudly victorious.

“Nah ah, is that any way to speak to the man who brought you dinner?”

“It’s the way to speak to the man whose currently annoying me.”

“You’re welcome, this is revenge for ditching me in class gorgeous~”

• Despite how irritating he could be, Atsumu stuck around for a bit to make sure you ate everything he’d brought and taken the appropriate medication.

• “Oh yeah, I brought that movie you were talking about the other day. Figured it might pass the time a bit.”

“Thank you! I’ll give it back once I’m better - thank you so much ‘Tsumu.”

Your excitement was endearing, and he had to collect himself a bit since admiring such little quirks was out of the question - his crush was bad enough as it is.

“Wanna watch it now? I haven’t got anything to do so I can give you spoilers.”

“Sounds good - and not a word!”

• You spent the afternoon watching the film and playfully wrestling the blonde in order to shut him up whenever he made an attempt to spoil it - he would never, but provoking you was too funny.

• You settle down later on, putting on a mindless tv show for background noise before collapsing onto your bed with groan. Atsumu raising a smug brow at your exhausted state as he threw his jacket on.

• "Wanna sleep with me?" It was innocent, at least you didn’t think much of it then.

"Do I what now?" He was smirking, thankful that your panic left you oblivious to the blush crawling up his neck at the mere insinuation alone.

"Sleep wit- ohh I did not think that through! I meant sleep in my bed, next to me, to help me drift off. Maybe it's the sleepiness or medicine but I really want you Atsumu..."

"Not helping your case at all." Again he smugly responded, dropping his jacket to the floor with a sly smile.

"Stop smirking and just hug me okay? Then you can leave and tease me about this later."

• Atsumu isn't awkward about it, subduing his nerves enough to pull you into his arms as he sits up - dutifully ignoring the butterflies in his stomach due to your close proximity and the intoxicating smell of your hair.

• Atsumu becomes unintentionally soft, his fingers slowly begin to glide through your hair and he hesitates when he feels the hum of contentment you release before continuing. Your whole body just relaxes against his and he subconsciously does the same, not even realising he was this tense around you - was his body always like that in your general presence?

• As you start quietly talking about nothing and everything, he notices a weakness - you’re a lot more open when drowsy and god he wants to take advantage but knows you’ll remember the questions he asked and murder him for it when you’re able.

• Intead he attempts to protect any dignity he thinks he has left with you - jokes on him, it’s absolutely none. You guys are way past that level and he knows it.

“You better get healthy quick, not that I care but English is really borin’ on my own ya know?”

"The people you truly care about must be really lucky to have you 'Tsumu..." The mumble is enough to make him roll his eyes, but he waits until you’re asleep to reply.

"Yeah... you are..."

<——————————<<<<

[ Masterlist ]

[theimprobabledreamersworld]

40. “Have I ever lied to you?” With Janus and Patton?

I've finally written it! 😄 This one is slightly longer than planned, but I had fun finishing it after a few days of writer's block! I don't know how good it is, but I hope you like it! 💚🖤

General writing taglist: @psychedelicships @jwillowwolf @red-imeanblue @lost-in-thought-20 (If anyone would like to be added to the general taglist, let me know!)

Read it on Ao3!

Have I Ever Lied To You?

Pre-romantic Patton/Janus

Janus stared out of the window, watching the rain hit the glass drop by drop before streaming down and pooling onto the balcony of his apartment. He sighed as he held the hot coffee cup in his hands looking at the steam as it fogged up the glass, he drew a smiley face in the condensation, but it didn’t improve his mood. He hated the rain, primarily because it made his hair all messy. It was also what the weather was like when his best friend Patton left five years ago, and he never heard from him again. It didn’t help that he started developing a crush on him not long before he had to leave. Janus tried to shake that thought out of his mind, he never stopped feeling guilty for not being there for Patton… but there was a good reason. He always clung onto the hope that they would be reunited again, but as every year passed, that hope began to flicker and burn out.

He grimaced as he took a sip of his now cold coffee and walked into the kitchen to pour it into the sink. He boiled the kettle to make a fresh cup; but opened the cupboard and sighed once more as he realised he was now out of coffee. He slumped down in defeat wondering if this day could possibly get any worse. Janus dragged his feet as he slowly grabbed his coat ready to head out. His mind was too full of memories of the past and regrets, needing to go out was the last thing he needed, especially when he wanted to just wallow in his emotions. He took a deep breath and opened the front door with the minimal amount of enthusiasm possible.

As he locked the front door and turned around, he heard a crash, and it took him a few seconds to realise that he was on the floor. Not only that, but he was pinned down under a guy who was roughly his age, to say he was baffled was quite an understatement. Janus had to admit, this guy was pretty cute. His auburn hair sat on top of thick rimmed glasses, he couldn’t help but notice the light covering of freckles on his cheeks and the bright blue polo shirt. He was too busy staring to notice that the guy was frantically trying to talk to him.

“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going! Are you okay? Are you hurt? I didn’t mean to hurt you; I was too busy watching the rainbow made by the rain!” It took Janus a few seconds to figure out where he had seen this person before, the puzzle pieces slowly came together and when the last one slotted into place, his eyes widened in shock. He knew that he had just ignored everything that he had been asked, but he needed to check before he made a fool out of himself.

“… Patton? Is that you?” He had to hide the smile from his face just in case it wasn’t him. The shock on the other guys face was enough to confirm his suspicions as he smiled with such vigor back at him.

“… Janus?! Wow, what are the odds huh?” He got off of Janus and held out a hand to pull him up. He gratefully took the opportunity and lingered holding his hand for as long as possible. He smiled at Patton before he was nearly knocked back onto the ground again with a forceful but endearing hug, something he’s been longing to experience for so many years now. He sank into the hug and clung onto Patton like he was some kind of cruel apparition taunting him. Patton broke the hug first but kept his hands on Janus’ shoulders and at this point, he honestly didn’t care that he was getting drenched from head to toe. He was right where he wanted to be.

“So, how have you been? It’s been a while, huh?” Janus couldn’t help but notice that Patton was kicking a small stone, refusing to look up at him. He must still remember what happened the day that he left, and he felt his heart crack just a little bit. The only consolation was that he could explain his actions from that day.

“Ehh, yeah. I’m doing good. Pretty busy which isn’t unusual for me. Believe me, I’ve been thinking about seeing you again for the longest time. How are you doing?” He saw that Patton was slowly looking up at him, almost in relief that he hadn’t forgotten about him.

“Yeah… I’m good… Do you really mean that? You’ve been thinking about me?” There was an uncharacteristic glint in Patton’s eye, like he was fighting the urge to either laugh or cry, trying to find a lie in Janus’ genuine truth. He used to lie a lot and hide truths behind sarcasm, but he grew out of that over time.

“I meant every word, Patton. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you… Have I ever lied to you?” He stepped closer to Patton, he knew that question would lead to the thing he both wanted to confront but wanted to run and hide from at the same time. The fact that Patton’s eyes were tearing up and glimmered in the rain showed that he was thinking the exact same thing.

“Only once… The day I had to go, move away with my parents… Where were you? You were the only person I wanted to see before I left, but you were the only person who wasn’t there… I’m sorry. That’s not fair, but you meant so much to me. You still do, and you always will.” That small crack in Janus’ heart was breaking more and more with every word, with every shake in Patton’s voice as the hurt he must have been harboring just poured out into the street and merged with the falling rain. He wrapped Patton up in a hug, and he felt the desperate clasping on Patton’s hands around him. He whispered to him how it was okay, that he was sorry, that he wasn’t going anywhere again. It didn’t take long for the sobs to turn into quiet sniffles and Patton pulled himself out of the warm embrace with a grateful smile on his face.

“I can assure you, Patton. There’s no one that feels worse for what happened that day. I have beaten myself up every single time it rains, the guilt and sadness has consumed me constantly. The thought of never seeing you again made me want to scream and search the world to find you.” He had to bite his lip to stop himself from crying, there were too many tears for what should be a happy reunion.

“Look, I can explain what happened… I had ordered a gift for you, but I had to go into town to get it because it was custom made. Then the bus didn’t turn up and traffic was a nightmare since the rain caused the road flooded. By the time I finally got back to your house… you were long gone.” He could help but think how cute Patton looked again as he started to get excited and bounced on his feet slightly while covering his mouth with his hands.

“You… You were getting me a GIFT?! Oh my goodness, I love that!!” Janus took a deep breath in, he had kept it all of this time, just in case this miracle ever happened. He clasped the small square box before slowly removing it from his bag. He took Patton’s hand gently and then placed the box on his palm delicately.

Patton looked over with a look of surprise on his face. Janus nodded, urging him to open the box. He lifted the lid off as carefully as he could. Patton gasped and Janus had to admit, he forgot what it looked like after all of these years. It was a bracelet combining their two favourite colours. The body of the bracelet was a mix of blues, some light, some dark like the night. Then threads of gold were wrapped around, creating a beautiful combination of the two colours which symbolised their bond. There were three charms that summed them up too. A paw print for Patton, a small snake for Janus, and a heart in between them. He couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face as he saw how stunned Patton was.

“I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my life… This is gorgeous Janus. I love you! Can you put it on for me?” Janus’ brain was buffering for a second… Patton just said what? Did this mean that he had feelings for him too? He could think about that later, he needed to hide the blush spreading across his face and he delicately took the bracelet and tried to open the clasp. His hands were too wet from the rain, and it kept slipping from his grip. He laughed and smiled when Patton giggled too.

“It’s way too wet out here, how about you come into my place? We can dry off, get some take out, watch some Disney movies, and catch up on everything? I think we have a lot to talk about.” He held his hand out and Patton nodded before taking it. Hopefully, this would be the beginning of a happy ending for both of them. He looked behind him briefly, Patton was stood perfectly in the middle of a fully formed rainbow as the sun broke through the clouds. He took out his phone with lightning speed and snapped a photo while Patton wasn't looking. Maybe rain wasn’t so bad anymore. Janus turned back, and as he unlocked the front door, he couldn’t help himself from whispering under his breath.

“I love you too, Patton.”

[coldercreation]

Happy new year! Hope you’re well<3

Happy New Year!!🥰🎉✨

New year is such a funny thing, nothing really changes in reality but for some reason it can feel like there‘s a huge invisible cliff in the calendar between December and January, and like there’s some monumental jump when the date changes.

Time has felt so wonky these past two years that I was having a hard time figuring out what even happened and when, as I tried to think back to what I actually got up to this past year. I did do stuff, for once, and somehow it was also stuff that I actually enjoyed? Yet I still felt kinda sad and melancholic and lonely about my life when I was having a Mood™️ just before midnight last night (kinda like that “looking out the bus window while it’s raining and some sad music plays in the background of the movie” thing🥲). It probably didn’t help that I spent the NYE/holidays alone once again, and could hear others having their parties with friends, family & partners.

It‘s funny how we give so much meaning to these single events and dates, and if we feel a certain meh way on that occasion, it can make us feel like all the days of the year were lacklustre. I know for sure that I had a lot of horrible days, but I also had more amazing days than I’ve had in a long time, and somehow this last year has managed to be both the worst and the best I can remember. I think I’ll really need to focus on reminding myself of that, and really work on giving more weight to those good days and the good progress. It was a bit too easy for me to think “okay so nothing‘s changed even after I tried so hard, why even bother then??” just because my NYE was so similar to all the other NYEs when I felt really alone, disconnected, and directionless. I guess what I’m trying to say with this hella weird rant is that, just because this one day of the year is branded as meaningful, and we often use it to reflect on our lives, the day itself - and how we feel on this date - doesn’t summarise our whole life/year.

I mean, this might be really obvious...😅 But I just realised that I really had to check myself last night for all these thoughts that kept dragging me low. I felt like I had achieved nothing just because I had no one to share “it“ with, during the year, but also in that space between the clock turning from 11:59 to 00:00. Why would our achievements and lives mean any less just because it’s ”just” us ourselves celebrating them? They really shouldn’t, and I guess I have the whole of next year, and beyond, to work on improving that mindset.

This might‘ve unintentionally come out a bit more on the angstier side than I planned lol, I think I’m still in that melancholic mood from last night🙈 But despite all that, I really am feeling tentatively optimistic about this new year and I’m more positive about the future than I’ve been in years.

I really hope we can all find some more little pockets of happiness here and there in the middle of the uncertainty and chaos that this world is throwing at us. It’s also important (for me and maybe for yous as well) to remember that even if we feel alone in our lives outside the interwebs, we can still have these supportive communities and connections online that can be life-savingly lovely<3

I‘m starting to doubt if I should even post this incoherent rant ahahah butttt then I remembered that one thing I think I did well in this past year was being very honest and open and raw in the way I was writing, and that ended up making so many (???😭) of you feel seen and heard and like you could relate. So I guess I’ll try to keep up with the good progress I made, and keep sharing openly even when it’s not always 100% sunshine and rainbows, and makes me worry about dragging other people down with me in my lil angsts. I mean, with finishing CYE this year, it became pretty clear that writing about difficult/“negative“ things can be an insanely positive experience too.

I hope you’re having a lovely first day of 2022, and yes, despite this messy rant in response to a simple sweet NY wishes ask (sorry😅), I think I’m actually doing pretty well. I hope you‘re all staying safe wherever you are, and maybe might even be able to remember one or two nice memories from the past year, even if it’s “just“ petting a puppy/kitty or listening to the rain or sitting in the sun or listening to a song that made you feel good.

We made it through 2021 & and we‘ll manage 2022 just the same. Go team! Love you, take care xx

[ninbayphua-moyan]

Moonlit Sparrow Through Parted Clouds

Thunderous grey clouds hung heavy in the sky as I made my way towards the lecture hall. My body ached with a bone-deep exhaustion and each leaden step I took felt heavier than the last. I stopped, wanting to turn back, but time and time again, my body refused to obey as my legs carried me towards my destination.

          Half an hour later, I found myself standing outside the empty lecture hall despite the countless hesitations along the way. Sighing, I sank to the floor and closed my eyes, too tired to remain upright. That’s what university does to you. It sucks out your soul, your passion, and your youth, leaving nothing behind but an empty husk of a human being.

           A familiar voice calling my name pricked my hazy, sleep deprived brain and I cracked open my heavy eyelids. My facial muscles moved like clockwork, automatically forming a smile to greet my friend.

           “You look like a corpse!” Chu Ying exclaimed worriedly at the sight of the heavy dark circles beneath my vacant eyes.

           “Haven’t been getting much sleep this week…” I replied with a nonchalant shrug as I quickly scrunched up my eyes until they turned into little crescents of laughter, “assignments due soon.”

           Seemingly convinced by my explanation, she gave me a look of sympathetic encouragement and left. The second no one was looking, I let the smile fall. Amazing what a simple smile could conceal. You could probably murder someone, smile, plead innocent and everyone would believe you. Sighing softly under my breath, I grabbed my bag and joined the gathering crowd of students as they trickled into the dimly lit lecture theatre.

           My laptop sat quietly on the desk, an empty word document laid open on its illuminated screen as the lecturer’s monotonous voiced droned on and on in the background. I should have been taking down notes but my mind was too preoccupied with my issues with the Undergraduate Office to focus on what the lecturer was saying.

           A rhythmic vibration drew my attention towards the phone sitting on my lap. Glancing at the pop-up notification, a wave of anxiety and hope surged through my body as I registered who the sender was – the Undergraduate‘s Office. Quickly, I pulled up the email and immediately felt my heart sinking after reading the first line.

          All seminar groups are full and we cannot move students.

          Lies.

          Another notification, this time, from my personal tutor.

          It’s only week 3, relax.

          Disappointment. Betrayal. Frustration. Anger. I clenched my trembling hands into fists as the tsunami of emotions threatened to explode and spill out of my shaking body. Half of me wanted to storm over to the Undergraduate’s office and let loose the unbridled rage coursing through my veins at the unfair treatment. The other half of me wanted to lash out at my tutor’s condescending advice. My body trembled at the barely, ever so barely contained anger.

          Sixteen thousand pounds. That would be eighty-four thousand two hundred and seventy-nine ringgit each year in school fees. Fees which didn’t even include the amount I needed to spend in order to buy the books required for the modules. Sixteen thousand pounds per year just to get an education, an education that I wasn’t even getting at this point and her advice for me was to relax? How could I when my parents worked their entire youth away, saving every cent just so they could send me, all the way to Britain to get a proper education! Did they even know what the stakes of sending me abroad to study was?!

          My father’s average yearly income is twenty-four thousand ringgits, barely twenty-eight percent of my yearly school fees. Was it that unreasonable to want to be in a class that will allow me to learn and improve after paying for that much money out of my parents’ own pocket?! Why would anyone in their right mind come half way across the globe, paying that ridiculous amount of money, and being so far away from family and home for years, just to fool around? If that had been my intention, I wouldn’t even have bothered going to university in the first place, let alone coming all the way to Cardiff!

          University will be fun they said. You’ll meet open-minded people passionate about learning they said. Hah! That’s the biggest misconception if there ever was one. First of all, the university doesn’t care about whether you actually learn anything so long as you're paying the fees. The majority of lecturers or seminar leaders will only do the most minimal amount of work required and by that, I mean three hundred words of prose only per weekly assignment. What kind of creative work could anyone produce under three hundred words? In prose! Some don’t even bother with critical commentary which is just as essential as the creative pieces. Not only does the lack of practice in writing critical commentaries and limited word count for the creative pieces inhibit students from developing any work of significance, it also underprepares students for the three-thousand-word portfolio due at the end of the semester.

          Secondly, British universities are also especially discriminatory towards outsiders or people of colour, often treating minorities and international students with hostility or disregard. I’ve experienced this discrimination first hand upon requesting a seminar change. Despite having emailed the Undergraduate Office at the same time with the exact same reasons, I was denied the change whilst my British classmate was immediately allowed to swap seminars. The office even went so far as to lie about the class being full even though I was told by the professor leading that very seminar that it wasn’t. So much for the integrity of the institution.

          At the end of the day, international students are nothing but cash cows to British universities.[1] Not only do they have to pay double of what British students pay in terms of fees, they also have to deal with the discriminations that come alongside being an outsider. I understood that in this day and age, education was a business, and that the university itself was, essentially, a business, but doesn’t actual passion for learning still count for something? Or was I wrong in believing in that as well? Oh, so naïve, so very naïve!

          Old memories started to surface amongst the turmoil of emotions. My father and his worn-out clothes, refusing each time to buy new ones for himself just to save a little more money. My mother mending them as best she could whilst we slept, never once complaining. Images of my father’s prematurely greying hair and bloodshot eyes as he worked his health away to provide for his children’s future. My mother’s back bent low, labouring away at some project or another in order to make ends meet. Yet, they never once showed us how tired or how tough things were. There was always enough food on the table and they always had a smile on their faces around us. Sometimes, I noticed that they would eat a lot less than usual but whenever I asked, they merely joked and said they were trying to lose weight. They could have enjoyed their youth, their honeymoon, but they decided to save it all, sacrificing their health and comfort just to ensure mine by sending me here.

          I remember the times where they would secretly check their wallets whenever I begged them to buy me a book. Oh, how those very books painted and fuelled my illusions of Britain’s perfection. If only I had known the reality of it all before applying to study here. But it’s too late for regrets now.

          A sharp stinging pricked the back of my eyes, tears threatening to fall as my body shook with suppressed, uncontrollable rage. Maybe if I was a little braver…maybe if I fought a little harder…maybe if I confronted them a bit more…maybe…maybe…maybe…

          Then as quickly as they appeared, the tsunami of emotions faded away, leaving behind an empty husk. My clenched fists loosen and fell limply at my sides as a quiet, bitter laugh escaped my lips. Nothing was going to change. No matter how hard I fought, the end results will remain the same so what’s the point of even trying in the first place?

          As the cold hard reality of the situation finally presented itself, I slumped against the chair, my empty laptop screen staring blankly back at me. Resignation dragged me deeper and deeper into the murky depths of my mind. I was drowning. No one knew and no one cared. But that’s fine. The ending remains the same regardless. Always the same…

          The sound of rustling papers and loud chatter momentarily draws me out of the murky waters. Realising that the lecture had ended, I gathered my things and shuffled towards the exit, my mind returning once more to the depths of the void. Outside, the rain was pouring. I plodded down the streets drenched to the bone as my legs moved mechanically towards my flat. A stifling numbness engulfed my mind as I trudged on in silence, the howling wind battering my shivering, rain-soaked body from all sides. Rounding the corner, I pulled out a key-card and entered the cramped grey flat. Out of sheer habit, I grabbed the letters from my letterbox and stuffed them into my coat pocket before heading upstairs.

           Entering the dingy room, I dropped my backpack on the bed and sank to the floor. Hugging my knees to my chest, I stared vacantly at the bleak wall. My phone rang insistently in my pocket but I didn’t answer, too tired to move. The crushing weight on my lungs forced out whatever little oxygen I managed to draw, making each breath a struggle. The clamouring voices in my mind grew louder and louder, growing in intensity yet forcefully contained, like built-up pressure without release on the brink of implosion.

You’re useless

          I’m…not…

You can’t even stand up for yourself or fight for what you believe is right

          Yes I can! And I’m trying! I’ve –

You’re a disappointment to your parents and your family

          I’m not! I swear! I –

You’ll never amount up to anything

          That’s not true! I –

You’re pathetic

          No –

Nothing but a Failure

          Stop saying –

Human garbage

          Please! Just –

Waste of space

           “SHUT UP!”

           Silence. Nothing but the sound of my ragged breathing in the darkness.

The world would be better off without you

          I don’t know how long I had stayed there on the floor but by the time I came around, my dripping wet clothes were nearly dry. The chaotic calamity within had finally died down and I was filled with an eerie calmness. A deafening silence blanketed the air, pierced only by the hypnotic rumbling of trains across tracks. Ah yes…the railway…my ticket to solving everything…just two blocks away…and it’ll all be over…permanently…

          Forcing my lethargic limbs to move, I wobbled onto my feet and stumbled towards the door. A tiny parcel fell out of my pocket and the handwriting on it made me paused. It was my mother’s. Even under the dimness of the moonlight trickling in, there was no mistaking that immaculately cursive hand.

          Letting go of the door handle, I kneeled down to pick up the neatly wrapped package. Then, slowly, as if afraid it would fall apart at the slightest touch, I began unwrapping the parcel. Upon opening the box, tears welled at the corner of my eyes. Six little cylindrical bundles of haw flakes were carefully packed within, each attached to a tightly rolled up strip of paper. Gently untying the scrolls from the sweets, I began reading them one at a time.

          Jie![2] I got you your favourite sweets! Wanted to buy you more of them but Ma said there wasn’t enough space in the box. Don’t worry, I’ll send you a big box of them once I’ve saved up enough money.

– Di[3]

          My heart ached as I thought about how much it must have costed for them to ship the parcel all the way from Penang to Britain. And with the little amount of pocket money…it must have taken Di-Di months of saving to be able to afford buying that one bundle of sweets…

          Jie, just because you’re the oldest doesn’t mean you have to hold everything in on your own y’know? It’s okay to rely on others a bit more from time to time. Enjoy the sweets you idiot, you’re crazy about those haw flakes. No idea why you like them either, they aren’t even that nice.

– Mei[4]

          Tears pricked the back of my eyes as my sister’s grumpy voice echoed in my ears. I could even see the disbelieving eye roll at my odd preferences in sweets after the last sentence. How I’ve missed our senseless squabbles and late-night chats….

          A-Yun, being an international student in the UK isn’t always the easiest thing, especially when you’re a minority there. You’ve already taken the necessary steps and have done all you can in that situation. Remember, it’s the end result and not the process that defines a victory. Remember what Sun Tzu mentioned in The Art of War? ‘The most important rule to victory is to know when to pick your fights and how to fight it’. Not all battles need to be fought to win the war. Never forget our family values and never lose sight of your goal. Don’t worry about finances, let me handle that. Just focus on your studies and aim for that first-class honours. The best revenge is to succeed despite their efforts to stop you. Continue to work hard and don’t give up. Know that regardless of the outcome, your Ma and I are proud of you and that we love you very, very much.

– Ba[5]

           A sob catches at the back of my throat as tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Acute pangs of longing weighed heavily on my chest, making it hard to breathe.

          A-Yun[6] ah, if it ever becomes too much to bear at Cardiff, come home. Ma will make you your favourite dishes. I know you want to do well but don’t overwork yourself. Remember to get enough rest and try to change your bad habit of skipping meals. Two boiled eggs alone don’t count as a proper meal either!

– Ma[7]           

          A sheepish giggle escaped my lips despite the tears, Ma’s exasperated voice ringing in my ears. I could almost picture the look of indignation on her face as she judges my terrible meal choices before proceeding to fill my bowl with steamy boiled dumplings.

          Ah…Ma’s famous boiled dumplings…the saltiness of minced pork marinated with soy sauce and sesame oil…the refreshing sweetness of spring onions and carrots contrasting the pork’s saltiness…flecks of finely chopped hei-mu-er adding a chewy texture to the tender meat whilst thin sheets of delicately wrapped dough encapsulated it all…the slight bitterness of the herbal broth complementing the savoury dumplings…[8] My stomach growled in protest as I smiled fondly at the memory.

          Wiping away the remaining tears, I unrolled the last strip of paper. Elegant brushstrokes painted familiar characters in horizontal lines. A wave of nostalgia washed over me as I recalled sitting on A-Gong’s [9] lap in the garden as kid, watching him practice calligraphy. I remembered how he used to read his poems aloud as I gaze at his hands guiding the bamboo brush across the ivory sheet, entranced by its flowing movements. Each word written was like a piece of art, each stroke of ink painting a meaning of its own.

Tranquil night’s darkness, the moon shines bright, From the mud the lotus rises, its petals pure despite. Vermillion red blossom like wildly raging flames; Elegant, virtuous, delicate, yet exquisitely untamed. The wise once said that adversity yields flair, An upright heart, oblique shadows don’t scare. Dripping water with time wears the stubborn stone, Sturdy wood too can be cut with rope saws alone! [10]

          A strange tranquility wrapped itself around me as I read the poem, A-Gong’s calm and mellow voice resonating in my ears. It was almost as if he was standing right before me with the usual toothless smile and twinkling eyes on his wizen face. Tenderly cradling the small box of sweets, a faint smile graced my lips. Their vermillion red and gold wrappings shone with a certain warmth under the soft light of the moon. Gently unwrapping one of the thumb-size bundles with shaking hands, I popped a disk-like piece into my mouth.         

          Immediately, a wave of warmth spread throughout my cold and hollowed body, almost as if it was infused with the life-giving heat of home. The familiar tart sweetness of the hawthorn berries cleared the heavy fog that clouded my mind and for the first time in a long while, I felt energy slowly seeping back into my worn-out soul, reigniting the snuffed-out fire within. Strange how something so small, barely the size of my thumb, could bring so much comfort and hope. That night, the moon shone a little brighter than usual, and the normally barren sky seemed to be exploding with billions of twinkling stars.

NOTES

[1] Alina Schartner & Yoonjoo Cho, ‘“Empty signifiers” and “dreamy ideals”: perceptions of the “international university” among higher education students and staff at a British university’, Higher Education, 74 (2017), 455-472

[2] ‘Jie’ means older sister in Chinese

[3] 'Di’ means younger brother in Chinese

[4] 'Mei’ means younger sister in Chinese

[5] ‘Ba’ means father in Chinese

[6] ‘Yun’ is written as ‘云’ meaning ‘cloud’

[7] 'Ma’ means mother in Chinese

[8] Hei-mu-er is the Mandarin term for black cloud ear fungus, a type of mushroom often used in Chinese cuisines.

[9] ‘A-Gong’ means grandfather in Chinese (specifically, the Hainanese pronounciation)

[10] This is a self written and self translated poem I wrote. The original Chinese version can be found here.

[11] ‘Moonlit Sparrow Through Parted Clouds’ is a play on 守得云开见月明 meaning the moon will shine brightly again when the clouds part, and 麻雀虽小五脏俱全 meaning though a sparrow is small, it has all the vital organs.

Author's Notes:

So this is one of my earlier prose pieces from uni (all the way back from first year lol). I don’t usually post prose? Not prose of this length at least. Anyways, I thought I’d take the leap and try posting them online now since I decided to start doing that for my poetry pieces? The rest of my prose pieces throughout uni somehow ended up becoming interlinked with several recurring characters though there are some inconsistencies since they were initially intended as stand-alone pieces rather than a series of somewhat loosely linked short stories. I’ll be posting them in story timeline sequence (or at least as closely to a sequence as I can since I didn’t exactly plan out the timeline of these pieces either) rather than in the sequence it was written in so there might be a slight fluctuation in writing style cuz they do kinda change over the years? Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading Part 1~ 

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 

Since exams are over and graded and I've officially graduated, I can finally post my work online without having to worry about Turnitin picking it up as plagiarism because apparently you aren't allowed to plagiarise yourself according to university which is absolutely ridiculous but I'm not the one making the rules here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also, please don't reupload my works without permission.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Never Too Late 2

Warnings: noncon sexual acts (later in series)

This is dark!Steve Rogers and explicit. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: You’re turning forty and life seems to be forging ahead on its one way track, that is until you meet Steve Rogers.

Note: Things are... going. But I’m doing my best.

Thank you. Love you guys!

As always, if you can, please leave some feedback, like and reblog <3

It was about time you started doing something. Past due, you’d say. Your body was screaming for it. You were no longer the college grad who could sit and eat potato chips to her heart’s desire. Or the thirtysomething in denial of the looming 4-0. No you had stepped upon the threshold and you felt and saw the changes which came with another decade.

And yet, the simple act was daunting. Your old beat up sneakers squeaked as you descended the stairs of your building to the street. You wore a pair of thin track pants you’d bought years ago on the unspent whim of a New Years’ resolution. Your sports bra was new and uncomfortable; the tank top a bit too tight for your liking. 

You did your best to stretch outside. You kicked your foot up against the brick and lunged a few times forward and back. Your muscles were stiff from inactivity; from years of neglect; from time. You hopped in place as worked up to your departure. 

You began at a slow jog. You reached the first corner out of breath.

You were old. Accept it.

You continued and wove your way to the park where few others paced themselves around the fountain and winding paths where happy owners walked their happier pets. Another breather as you gasped. The sweat gathered under the cotton shirt and created a humid tent in the pants. 

You gripped your hips and stared ahead. Keep going. You pushed off your heels and bent your arms as you fought your way through the tension in your chest, the burn in your lungs, the ache in your knees. One day at a time, it would get easier. You hoped.

You wondered how you’d manage to fit in your new regime on workdays. A morning run would mean even earlier days; likely shorter nights. You’d have to make it work. You didn’t have another ten years to wait around; if you did, it might be too late to change.

You were tired. Of the years passing like second. Of the tedium. Of nothing happening. Of failed hopes. Of pointless relationships and temporary stability. You weren’t where you wanted to be and you’d likely never get there but there were other desires in life. Other achievements to be made.

Your mother could resent you for your singleness; your lack of familial bliss. She could not begrudge you entirely. Not if you bettered yourself. Not if you turned it around and tried. Not if you set aside your passivity for proaction. Because it was your life, not hers.

When you got back to your building, you were ready to collapse. The old elevator was still out of order. It’s old grated doors marked with an X of tape and a handwritten sign. You dragged yourself up the stairs and stumbled inside. You downed a glass of water and splayed over your single armchair. Your heart slowed as you flipped on the television and checked off day one in your newly downloaded app.

👟

Day two. Exhausted and still sore, you made yourself go. You had an hour before you had to be back to shower and ready for work. The day seemed even longer ahead of you. Eight hours at a desk in pain, dealing with the frustrated public. It was worse than you could imagine. Your night was spent with an ice pack and half-dazed.

Day three, four, five. A tic in your phone which barely felt worth it. Six almost saw you giving up as you ambled around work with splints in your calves. Seven, another day off, but you still had work to do. You pulled on your freshly washed track pants and a loose tee. The last days of summer approached but the heat had yet to relent. 

You took your usual route to the park. You stopped at the entrance and stretched a second time. You found it was helping. The pain was duller, the aches less spread out. You set off and found your step. A week and you could already see the ounce of improvement. Well, inside more than out.

You measured your breaths as you neared the curve shrouded in trees; leaves still lush and aromatic. Soon enough, they’d darken and drop. Time was like footsteps. Each one forward took you further from where you were and yet you could feel like you were standing still or come to a startling stop that left you hurtling into the void.

Like then. Your worn treads slid over the ground as you collided with the unexpected runner coming your way. Your eyes had been above him, staring at the rounded tree tops and their sprawling branches. On the early morning hues that cast the sentinels in a placid mural.

You stumbled back, your hands reaching back to catch yourself but you never met the ground. Two thick hands caught your upper arms and steadied you. You looked up, both surprised and not by the face staring back at you. Both familiar and not. After so long in the city, the last two weeks had seen as many run-ins with Steve Rogers. More, now.

“You,” He smiled as he slowly released you, his fingers tickled your arms. 

“You.” You echoed dully. 

“Small world,” He chuckled.

“New York isn’t that small,” You said. “You must think I’m some weirdo.”

“Or maybe I’m the weirdo?” He ventured. “Didn’t peg you as a runner.”

“Wow, thanks,” You scoffed. “And I’m not. Well, wasn’t. New hobby.”

“New?” He raised a brow.

“One week,” You shrugged. “Not much and I’m sure once it’s cold, I’ll go back to my sloth,” You said. “Uh, sorry about… wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“Not at all. Neither was I.” He smiled. 

“Well, I, uh…” You looked past him, “Have a lot to go.”

“Can I join you?” He asked. You squinted at his eagerness. 

“Weren’t you going…” You pointed over your shoulder.

“I just do circles,” He said. “Doesn’t really matter which direction.”

“I’m not very fast.”

“It’s not a race.”

“Alright,” You threw your hands up, just wanting to get it over with. “But if you feel like leaving me behind, don’t think it’ll bother me.”

“Come on,” He turned so he faced the same direction. “It’s always easier with company.”

You exhaled and righted yourself before you fell back into a jog. He kept pace beside you. You could smell his sweat. You tried to keep your breathing quiet.

“I used to run with my pal Sam but… he joined a gym.” He said. “So, new hobby?”

“Hobby is putting it… nicely,” You huffed. “More like trying to make up for my own laziness.”

“It’s never too late to make a change,” He preened. “You got any other hobbies? Maybe something you enjoy more?”

You glanced at him. Your chest hurt but you didn’t want to slow down.

“Cross-stitching? Tetris?” You offered. “Nothing special. Just… life.”

“How’s work?” He asked.

You were silent as you kept running. You listened to the sound of your foot falls as your breath came faster.

“I--” You came to a stop and turned to him as you touched your side. “Forgive me for being a bit--confused but--” You gulped. “Don’t you have friends? Super friends?”

“Co-workers,” He said and his hands went to his hips. “Oh, maybe you already have enough friends then.”

“Look, I’m forty, I work the same job I had sixteen years ago, I live in a box, and I’m falling apart,” You shook your head. “Not many people are trying to be my friend. All my friends have families; obligations.”

“Well, it sounds like we have a lot in common,” He grinned. “So we should be great friends.”

You frowned. His optimism was irksome. His refusal to be rebuffed more so.

“Friends?” You repeated darkly.

“Maybe just running buddies?” He suggested. “I do get a bit lonely out here with just the chipmunks.”

“Steve.” You uttered.

“And I think you need someone to keep you on the right path, hmm? I’ve been told I’m a great motivator. Bit of a hard ass but I’ve got a talent and I use it.”

You considered him. He was right. An app wasn’t going to keep you going forever. Already, you were tempted to drag the little icon to the bin. Already you were tempted to sleep in. Already you were succumbing to failure. 

“You sure?” You asked.

“What time do you usually run?”

“Well, weekdays, I head out at six, back home at seven, then off to work,” You explained. “Weekends I get an extra hour of sleep.”

“Alright,” He turned and set off. You followed. “I can’t promise every day. Lots of work out of town but weekends at least.”

“You really don’t--”

“Maybe if you start saying yes, you’ll find what you’ve been looking for,” He intoned. 

You grumbled and pressed your lips together. He was right. You hated that he was. Something about this man both intrigued and disturbed you. He was kind but with a hint of pushiness. You just couldn’t decide if his insistence was merely clueless or something more deliberate.

👟

Another week and the mornings were easier, though the days continued to drag. Steve met you again on Monday and Tuesday but Wednesday he was gone. You didn’t mind so much but he returned on Saturday. He waited for you at the park entrance, a wrapped box in his hand. You were curious but not nosy.

You slowed as he greeted you.

“Hey,” He smiled. “I didn’t realise until after I’d gone that I had no way to tell you I’d be away.”

“It’s fine.” You assured him. “Think I managed just fine on my own.”

“Work,” He said. “But a quick mission so I can’t complain.”

“I saw you on the news,” You looked towards the fountain that stood further inside the park. “I figured.”

“Still, I think maybe… I’d like a more direct line.” He pulled out his phone as he kept the box under his arm.

“Are you asking for my number?”

“In case anything happens,” He said. “I mean, we’re not strangers.

“Sure, but…” You wetted your dry lip with your tongue. “Okay. Um, I don’t have my phone on me but I can give you my number.”

“Great, I’ll text you.” He unlocked his cell and carefully keyed in your details as you recited them. He replaced the phone in the strap around his bicep. “There. Your very own on-call hero.”

“Right,” You nodded slowly.

“Oh, and…” He grabbed the box from beneath his elbow. “Happy belated birthday.”

“What? Uh, I can’t. You already--”

“A cake? Really. Everyone should have a cake on their birthday.” He held out the gift. “And presents too.”

You looked at the small square box. You chewed your lip and shifted your weight on your feet.

“It’s really nothing special.” He urged. “If you’re wondering, July fourth,” He pointed to himself. “So you’re in the clear.”

“Steve--”

“I already got it and… it’s not really my colour,” He shoved it closer. “Please.”

You slowly took it as you gave a quiet thank you. You carefully slipped a finger in the crease of red wrapping paper and tore it open. A dusty pink smart watch shone back at you. You blinked and looked up at him.

“The guy at the store said you sync it with your phone and it can count your steps and all that. Send you reminders.” He rubbed his neck. “I thought it would be useful. Especially when I’m away.”

You tilted your head at him then looked back to the clear plastic window of the box. It was expensive, you could tell. 

“It’s… a lot.” You said. 

“It’s a gift. It’s not about the price tag,” He shrugged. “Come on. Try it on.”

You scratched your hairline and muttered. You went over to a bench and sat as you worked at opening the box. You took out the watch and admired its round face. He offered to do it up for you and you turned your wrist over. He secured it and you held up your hand as you looked it over.

“You like it?” He asked. “They had gold but I liked the pink.”

“Nice color,” You affirmed. “I guess… I guess I can use it.” You lowered your arm and hid the watched with your other hand. “Thank you.”

“It’s nothing. It’s what friends do,” He stood and gathered the packaging. “You don’t need all this, do you?”

“No,” You stood. “Thanks.”

He tossed it in a bin surrounded by hedges and you neared.

“Well, should we get going?” He asked.

“Yeah. Maybe an extra lap today?” You said. “Push myself a little.”

[anxiouslyfred]

Ear Defenders

Summary: Since his parents kicked him out Remus has feared being rejected by his soulmate, despite anything Roman or his soulmate can say. After all, what else could follow words like "Dudes, if you were any louder I'd be putting my ear defenders on just to get past.” 

AN: I don’t think there’s any warnings needed beyond food mentions, but let me know and I’ll try to remember.

Ships: Dukexiety, background Roceit

/\/\/\/\

Remus had faced rejection all his life. His fascination with injuries was morbid and obsession with butts disgusting; He'd heard it all. Sometimes people would claim it was to do with personal hygiene or the insane attention seeking he did, but Remus was never seeking attention, just doing the things he thought would bring joy in the moment.

For years it was fine that people left him behind. He could make new friends and would someday meet his soulmate who put the words on his wrist from their first future meeting. The universe had promised him he wouldn't see everyone leave. Even Roman believed in that, no matter how much they argued about his inability to quietly fit in at school.

Then their parents kicked him out the day he turned twenty with parting words harsh enough to shake his faith to the core. “You're so immature we doubt even your soulmate will stick around beyond your first words.” The yelling and arguments Roman came out with then and would lecture about anytime the day came up ever after couldn't stop his fear of being rejected forming, but at least it sustained the confidence to be himself that Remus had always carried and for a month tried to ignore and suppress.

With each friend he lost and co-worker who ignored him, Remus's fear grew, after all if these people who didn't have such a lifetime connection didn't give him a chance for 5 minutes why would someone whose first words would be complaining about the noise do so?

Roman did stick around, insisting on it and joining in with some of Remus's ideas. Occasionally he, or his soulmate when they met, would try to tame them enough to be safer but it felt like an empty comfort to have peace with the brother he used to war with. Despite all of Roman's and Janus's attempts they couldn't return the faith lost about his soulmates abandonment. No fairy-tales or classic novels could help someone so isolated from the world he only had two people to talk to most of the time.

/\/\

It was on one of the days that Remus had been dragged away from his work and his rubbish that he found hope again. The litter picker had been locked away by Janus while Roman distracted him so he couldn't start working while they were out. He was still wondering about changing jobs and just keeping the rubbish collection as a hobby; Surely he could be loud on a building site.

The thought was pushed aside by Roman starting to sing Beauty and the Beast. Of course Remus had to improve the lyrics then, nobody needed to hear something so saccharine as that.

“Dudes, if you were any louder I'd be putting my ear defenders on just to get past.” The words cut through everything, freezing Remus in place as he registered the building site next to where they were passing and a guy leaving it watching them. The biggest realisation though was that he'd just heard the words from his wrist spoken aloud and the person's expression wasn't happy.

He was on the verge of tears before he could remember how to speak again. “Please stay long enough to talk. I can be quiet I swear. I think you're my soul.”

Peripherally he could see Janus stopping Roman from speaking, but all his fears rested on the face of alarm and concern now directed at him. “I've got an hours lunch break, but if you give me your number we could carry on texting after that and meet up later?” The words seemed carefully chosen, possibly rehearsed, but they were enough to make Remus want to leap up the walls. “And you don't need to be quiet, Dude. Noise is pretty good generally.”

“Really? But only – Nobody – Everyone -” There was so many things Remus wanted to say all at once but he couldn't get any of them out, tears beginning to fall in the sudden rush of hope.

A tissue being shoved into his hand reminded him of his brothers presence. “I think what Remus is trying to say is aside from Janus and I most people do leave him so thank you for giving him the chance.” Roman attempted to interpret, not entirely successful but close enough.

“We don't need a chaperone, thanks. I deal with my own anxiety enough to be patient with someone else's.” Remus's soulmate snarked back, now holding a hand towards him. “And something to eat generally helps after a whirlwind of emotions, if you'd like yo join me?”

Of course Remus took the hand, overjoyed to be led away. “I'm Remus, He/him. Who are you, My Soul?”

“Virgil, he/him, and do you need some breathing exercises? You've been like swapping from not breathing to hyperventilating since I spoke.” The offer and raised eyebrow glance assessing him made Remus realise just how fast he was breathing.

“Please.” He'd been pulled into a sandwich shop now but Virgil ignored the guy hurrying behind the counter to sit Remus down and help him.

It took a few minutes before his breathing calmed and the bouncing from excitement began. “Can I buy you lunch, Virgie?” He offered, glancing for a way to stay with his soulmate as long as he could.

Being answered with a head-shake dampened his hopes to be helpful though, until Virgil spoke, “Only if you can promise me this isn't part of you trying to behave so I'll stay. Whomever Remus is beyond your fears is who I want to know and I'm happy to wait and reassure until you're comfortable to show him to me. I'm staying; no need to try and earn that.”

Remus gasped at the sincerity and comfort being so freely offered, before actually pausing to think. “I was gonna buy my bro and Janjan lunch today anyway. Lot more fun to buy my soul his even if I can't sabotage it.”

“Then I'll have a hot chocolate with a ham and cheese baguette.” Virgil relaxed back into his seat, finally letting go of Remus's hands though he couldn't say when they'd been taken. Remus had to grin at the snickers he got from walking backwards to the counter.

Virgil was still snickering when he came back with their drinks and this time nothing slightly odd had been done consciously to cause it. “I've not got froth on my nose yet. What's so funny?”

“Re, what on earth did you order to make Sunglasses look so horrified?”

“I wanted as many espresso shots as possible so I can fight the universe and 2 of the most sugary, e-number filled thing they sell so we can get sugar rushes too!” Remus nodded, certain it made sense as he swapped the way the drinks were placed down 9 times before deciding he'd got it right.

Virgil watched the move with a still amused smirk before shrugging. “I'm the first aider for my site so I can patch you up afterwards.” He said, sending electric shocks of relief flinging themselves through Remus. “But other than fighting galactic entities and shocking servers what do you do?”

Most people on the Cities Cleansing team would insist on using their actual job title, saying it sounded more professional, others just stayed down to earth and called a spade a spade; then there was Remus is his own league, “I steal people's rubbish and make treasures out of it all, sometimes hidden safely at the dump!”

“Sounds like you're more than equipped to fight gods then. How would you describe being a builder?” Remus had expected disgust or dismissal but was met with a small smile and curiosity. He had to tap his knee harder to get the happy energy out somehow.

“Committing atrocities against natural habitats or giving purpose to the city areas people look away from. Depends if you work on inner city used sites or areas out taking over farmland.”

Even Janus disliked his descriptions of the jobs people claimed as vital, but Virgil just snorted, nodding along. “Too right. The rich man says build here and people just wanting to survive the month have to follow. I do try to avoid the areas building on new land when I can at least.” Virgil broke off, looking around as though wanting something else to say, before frowning. “No fighting the capitalist regime alone though. One person is too easy for companies to disappear. Best to talk people into unions and protests instead.”

Remus couldn't help but cackle at the remark. After all the years of rejection it was impossible to believe Virgil was real, actually feeding into his ideas and encouraging him. “You're really not going to leave me? I can have your number?” The thought spilt out as soon as he thought over how happy this hour was for him.

“If you give me your phone I can add my number to it now and you already know where I work for the next months if you just want to appear randomly.” Virgil offered, extending his hand across the table. “We could do lunch dates as long as you're okay just sitting by the fountain since I usually bring a packed lunch. I just wasn't awake enough to make it this morning.”

The hour disappeared from them far too quickly, with Remus cackling through it almost more than speaking. Even as they walked back to Virgil's building site they were talking and getting to know each other, only just spotting Roman and Janus approaching from the opposite direction.

Remus ignored them through their farewells and after, standing watching the entrance shut before opening his phone to just stare are the new contact added. “He's staying.” Remus wasn't one for reverence but his voice in that moment was filled with it.

“He's your soulmate.” Roman stated, smiling. There was a relief in Roman's voice that for years Remus would call out given how certain his brother had acted that soulmates don't leave.

“He doesn't even care about the taste combinations I love! Or even my ideas and ways of describing everything!” He threw himself between Janus and Roman, grabbing their hands and recounting absolutely every detail of Virgil from the last hour. At least they'd stop him from breaking in anywhere.

The hand holding didn't last long when he heard a text alert.

'Got tickets to a friends concert on Friday. You coming?'

The world could leave Remus behind but with his soulmate inviting him on a date that was fine with him.

[juyeoniemyhoney]

a soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

You love Jungkook. You’ve always known that much. But after living under the same roof for a year, you finally realise that your love for Jungkook is not at all platonic but in all ways romantic. Your feelings only build as another year passes and finally, one grocery run later, you tell him how you feel. Spoiler alert, it doesn’t end well.

-pairing: jeon jungkook x reader 

-genre: angst, just angst all the way.

-warnings: swearing, Jungkook’s a little bit of an ass in this one

-word count: 3775 words

-A/N: hii this is my first time posting on tumblr but i’ve been writing since like 2016 lol. i hope you like this depressing imagine and stay tuned for more imagines that are coming soon. also, i don’t really even like the ending and i feel like i dragged this out wayyyy more than i should have but oh well, i hope you enjoy it anyway. please let me know what you think and feel free to leave feedback so that i can improve!

---------

When you decided to live with your best friend, you should’ve known you were bound to fall in love. 

Flashback to senior year of high school. The two of you had miraculously graduated with incredibly average grades. Jungkook got into university solely because of his outstanding performance on the rugby team and you had gotten in thanks to pure luck. Seriously though, that was a really close shave. Anyway, the decision to live together when the two of you realised that you were going to the same university came as easy as a spring breeze. 

Which thus began the deterioration of your heart. 

Ever since you met Jungkook in your first year of primary school, his big eyes and beaming smile had always tugged at something in your chest. You had never denied this feeling, assuming it was because you love Jungkook, which you did, just platonically. But having to live with Jungkook made you realise that even though you were with him most of the time, you never really wanted to leave his side. 

For years, you had denied any thought that maybe you might be in love with Jungkook. But you had taken every single thought by the throat and stuffed it deep, deep down inside you, into the deepest, darkest corners of your being, forgotten and left to rot. Every single time your heart fluttered when you looked at him, every single time your skin tingled when he touched you, every single time your cheeks blushed when he did something for you, you had stopped yourself from feeling those things, those pesky little butterflies in your stomach because Jungkook is your best friend, nothing more, nothing less. Even though you know that he always meant more to you than you did to him. 

The one thing you dreaded once you realised that you love Jungkook more than a friend, was your monthly grocery run. When the both of you had first bought the flat — which you had only been able to afford thanks to Jungkook’s kind, high-rolling parents — you had both agreed to always go grocery shopping together, no matter what. You’re not really sure how this agreement came about, but at the time, it didn’t really matter to you because Jungkook was just Jungkook then.

But now that Jungkook is Jungkook, your crush, your heart cannot help but swell with how domestic grocery shopping with Jungkook always sounds. 

And grocery shopping with Jungkook is what you are going through right now. 

Right now, a year after realising that you are romantically in love with Jungkook and two years after moving in with your best friend, Jungkook stands next to you in the feminine products aisle, holding a crumpled piece of paper with grocery items carelessly scrawled on it, his other hand on the shopping cart that is a quarter-filled with household items that the two of you need to last until the next month. Despite how this situation is not at all scary, your heart beats like you are hanging precariously over a high ledge, palms clamming up as you nervously ball up the fabric of your shirt. 

“Which one is it?” Your saliva is stuck halfway down your throat when he asks the question, causing you to choke and cough the saliva up. You seriously need to get better at hiding your nervousness around him, if this even counts as hiding it, seeing as how you are literally not being normal, cool, or calm. You mentally face palm yourself for being you. 

“Um, I don’t see it,” you reply as calmly as you can, relaxing a little when you hear that your voice does not waver at all. 

“Here! Isn’t it this one?” Jungkook exclaims suddenly, scaring the absolute shit out of you and causing you to jump up in surprise, letting out a squeak when you see that it is the brand of pads that you use. You shove the thought that Jungkook does pay attention to you and tell yourself that it is because he has to see it on top of the cabinet in your shared bathroom every time he goes into it. He has lived with you for two years, of course he knows what brand you use, you idiot. 

“Yeah, thanks,” you mutter as you throw three packets into the cart before walking off, hands casually locked behind you as you roam the aisles, not sparing Jungkook another glance as he pushes the cart and follows behind you. You refuse to look at Jungkook and have your cheeks heat up again, especially not after he caught you blushing when you first met up with him fifteen minutes ago. 

Despite the fact that Jungkook had gotten into university solely thanks to rugby, he had surprised everyone by deciding to major in film. Though you had been a little surprised, you knew that film, or anything that had to do with a camera for that matter, had always fascinated Jungkook. And now in his third year of university and a certified adult, Jungkook had decided to get a job and stop relying on his parents. A little later than everyone else, but at least he finally decided to stop splurging the monthly allowance he got on cocktail nights at the bar around the corner. The job he got was a good step for Jungkook but a horrible one for you for he had decided to audition for a modelling company. And he got in. 

Which is why you don’t want to even spare him a glance. Because Jungkook had just gotten off work which meant that he had his hair done up, soft strands of light brown styled so that it was out of his eyes, allowing the light to hit his usually hidden, dark brown eyes, turning them a golden brown that reminded you of slow-dripping, melted caramel. And even though all he is wearing is a sky blue shirt and navy slacks, your mind and heart is going absolutely feral at how well they compliment him, high-waisted slacks cinching his waist and loose shirt hanging off of his broad shoulders. You realise that your arms ache to hold him.  

“What’s next on the list?” you ask, derailing your thoughts, as you nonchalantly survey the aisles so that you don’t have to turn around and look at Jungkook, even though you want to. You want to look and never stop. But he can’t know that. 

“Cereal,” he answers, catching up to you so that he is walking next to you, the end of his sleeve brushing the top of your shoulder. You give into your urge to look up at him and immediately, as if someone has punched you right in the gut, the wind is knocked out of your lungs because he is already staring down at you, a small smile tilting the corner of his lips up. You can quite literally feel your pupils dilate and you pray to god that he did not see it as you quickly but— you hope —casually turn your gaze away from him, nonchalantly asking, “Oh, we ran out?” 

“Yeah,” he replies, stopping to retrieve the cereal from the shelf. You reach out too but he beats you to it, knowing full well that you will never be able to reach the cereal that only sits on the highest shelf. Your heart stops for a while when you can feel him unintentionally press into you, chest brushing up on your ponytail, heat radiating from his body and pulling sweat from the pores of your palms. But the warmth quickly retracts with him as he pulls away from the shelf and haphazardly dumps the box of cereal into the cart before setting off, pushing the cart forward and out of the aisle, leaving your frozen form in the dust. 

You quickly snap out of it and follow Jungkook. 

As you trail behind him, pretending to look at products along the way so that you can stay behind him and play with your thoughts, your mind wanders off. All too suddenly, you are daydreaming, imagining yourself as courageous as you confess your harboured feelings to Jungkook. In this alternate universe that your imaginative mind has created, Jungkook beams down at you and accepts your confession, confessing that he too had been harbouring feelings for you. Jungkook calling your name snaps you out of your delusions. 

“Y/n?” 

It takes you a little too long to realise that he is talking to you but when you do, you reply with the most flustered, the most nervous sounding what you have ever heard leave your mouth. 

“I asked you if you wanted Nutella,” Jungkook patiently asks again. Far too nervous to properly internalise the question and reply with a proper answer, you haphazardly shake your head and pretend to wander off into an aisle filled with shampoo. You honestly don’t know why you said no. Nutella runs in your blood and your stupid diet — which is really just you being far too lazy to actually get up and make food — has your body aching for Nutella. But your pride runs deeper than you expect and you do not correct yourself, allowing Jungkook pass by the Nutella without another glance. 

Now back to overthinking. One of the reasons why you liking Jungkook is so bad is because, well, he has a fucking girlfriend, one who he loves very much. Plus, as if the universe absolutely fucking hated you, Jungkook had told you about said girlfriend, on the bloody day that your stupid ass had finally realised that you were romantically attracted and in love with Jungkook. And as if punching you in the face wasn’t enough, the universe had pierced your heart with the fact that you knew this girl. He had started dating Yoora. And you loved Yoora. Or more specifically, you found it humanly impossible to hate that girl. 

Ever the polite and sweet girl, Yoora had helped you pick up the wind-scattered pages of the love story you had written, handing them to you with a sweet smile and wishing you a good day ahead as she walked off. After that, you seemed to see her everywhere. So much so, that she had finally decided to approach you one day and become acquainted with you.

The aching pain of your unrequited love only continued, with each glance at Jungkook. You had also third-wheeled on a number of their dates and watching Jungkook look at Yoora, or someone who wasn’t you for that matter, with so much love squeezed your heart painfully, as if the universe was trying to wring a towel dry and your heart so happened to be said towel.

And Yoora being nice to you isn’t helping either. She has always looked at you kindly even though you are literally living with her boyfriend. Maybe she has always assumed you are gay or don’t harbour any feelings for Jungkook, or maybe she has always thought the best of you, that even if you did have feelings for Jungkook, you would never even dare try for him. 

So how on earth are you supposed to love him when Yoora’s kind and understanding eyes always flash through your mind when you think about Jungkook? How on earth are you supposed to hate her for stealing Jungkook away from you when she has been nothing but nice to you? But at the same time, how on earth are you supposed to like Yoora when she is the reason Jungkook is impatiently waiting for you to finish with your last year in university so that you can finally move out? How on earth are you supposed to like her when she is all that occupies Jungkook’s mind, leaving you forgotten like you are some childhood toy that Jungkook has grown out of? How are you supposed to live at all when those three fucking words take over your body like a goddamn curse, seizing control of your feelings like your heart is some kind of airplane and your feelings for Jungkook are forcing your heart into a nosedive, flying straight into the ground and shattering the feeble vessel? 

The answer is that you can’t. You can’t fucking live. 

“Is that all?” Jungkook asks you after about ten minutes. You did not even notice that you were lost in your shitty thoughts for that long. When you raise your head to look at the cart instead of the floor, you see that it is filled with groceries that will be a pain in the ass to carry home alone. Right, you totally forgot Jungkook is meeting Yoora right after this, which means you’ll probably have to carry everything back by yourself, seeing as how you’ve been carrying groceries home by yourself for the past three months. 

“Yeah,” you reply after your eyes lazily scan over the items, looking up to give Jungkook a weak smile before walking away and leading the way to the cashier. 

Silently, the two of you load the items onto the conveyor belt one by one, allowing the cashier to scan and pack the items into flimsy plastic bags before handing them to you. Jungkook pays since it is his turn and quickly tucks his wallet into his pocket before rushing to help you by taking most of the plastic bags from your hands, leaving you with only one bag. Against your own will, your heart swells with love. 

“Aren’t you meeting Yoora?” you question him as the two of you begin to walk out of the building. Jungkook turns to you and flashes you a bright grin, one that has something splintering in your chest and your breath hitching. 

“I told her to wait a little longer,” he answers, smiling sheepishly, tone hinting that he feels guilty for ditching you for the past three months. As he should. You reply with a smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes. 

“Also,” he starts, trailing off a little as he pauses to let you walk ahead little before switching places with you so that he is walking on the outer side of the pavement, steps spilling onto the grass when the both of you have to squeeze past people who selfishly idle on the pavement, lingering outside shops for smoke breaks. Your heart’s quickening beat rings in your ears. You ignore it and flash him a grateful smile before he continues his sentence. 

“As I was saying, what’s up, Y/n? You’ve been a little off these days,” Jungkook questions, taking his eyes off the pavements to periodically glance at you, eyebrows knitted together in a concerned frown, teeth worrying his bottom lip. 

Of course Jungkook would think something is fishy. Once upon a time, the both of you could easily read each other like a children’s picture book, it was foolish of you to think that just because he prioritises his girlfriend before you, doesn’t mean that he can’t read your behaviour. It was foolish of you to think that Jungkook had changed at all. So far, he seemed normal. Maybe it was just you. 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you’ve been cold lately. If you haven’t realised, all you’ve said to me throughout this whole shopping trip were short sentences that end the conversation straight away. And I know you’re always working on your essays for your classes but we don’t even have movie night anymore. Not to mention that you barely even talk to me anymore. So tell me what’s wrong. Did I piss you off or something?” Jungkook explains, a sadness oozing from his gentle gaze that he turns to you as the both of you halt at a pedestrian crossing. The sorrow in his eyes causes your chest to tighten as you find it impossible to talk. Because you miss him too. So much. You would kill just to feel the unadulterated rapture you felt when you were spending time with Jungkook. You really just want things to go back to how they were before you liked him. 

“Oh, I’ve just been going through a lot lately,” you answer, trying to keep your reply as vague as possible, hoping he leaves it at that and waits for you to tell him when you are ready. 

But of course, Jungkook continues to pry. 

“What are you going through? Come on, Y/n, you can tell me. If you do, maybe I can help you,” he bombards you, eyes silently pleading that you allow him to fix your problems. You know he means well. Jungkook has never intentionally caused harm to you but right now, you just want him to drop it. Because how on earth are you going to explain to him that you are in love with him and are jealous of his pretty, smart, kind girlfriend? 

Apparently your brain knows how.

“Well,” you start before you can stop yourself. The look in Jungkook’s eyes makes it impossible for you to just cut it off there, so, you continue. 

“I’ve liked this boy for a long while now but he has a girlfriend. I really want to tell him but I’m afraid it’ll ruin our friendship,” you blurt. At first, your chest feels light, heart finally rid of the words that had weighed it down. But then, you look at Jungkook, gorgeous eyes conflicted as he carefully articulates what he wants to say next. Then, again, your heart fills with an unimaginably heavy weight that sinks it all the way down to your gut. And you cannot help but think, he knows. He knows and he’s is going to break my heart all over again. 

“Can I ask.. who it is that you like?” he asks wearily, as if he is a hunter approaching a wild deer that startles easily. As the two of you turn the corner to your shared apartment, you glance up into his eyes once more and your heart sinks further. Fear. Fear swallows his eyes as he awaits your answer, afraid that what you’ll say next will completely decimate the past fifteen years of your best friendship, afraid that you will completely destroy his trust with your next words. 

And even though you want to lie to him, you find it impossible to. Which is why, before you can stop yourself from blurting it out, you reply with, “You.”

The feeling of complete and utter horror hits you after a second of lag time. Despite the extra second that it gives you to prepare yourself, you do not use it and when the realisation of what you said hits you, it hits you hard, like a million bricks to the face. 

Jungkook stills and you freeze too, too scared to even look at him. The both of you stand on the street, a few steps away from your ground floor apartment, a few steps away from privacy. But you think that at this point, privacy completely flies over Jungkook’s head. 

“I have a girlfriend, Y/n,” he states, as if you didn’t already know. You turn to face him and Jungkook’s expression is not at all far from terrifying. He has never looked at you with such stern, angry expression, eyebrows knitted together in a disapproving frown rather than his previous concerned frown, and it quite literally scares the shit out of you. His gaze has hardened and he looks at you as if you have committed murder — which you have, seeing as how you have completely lynched this whole fucking relationship. 

“I know you have a girlfriend,” you scoff. You swear for a second that Jungkook glares at you. Your heart stops. What have you done?

“I just-“ you start, trying to explain yourself but Jungkook cuts you off by raising his hand. For the shortest of milliseconds, you think that he is going to hit you, slap you, do something. But then, you dismiss the idea, knowing full well that Jungkook will not harm you. He is Jungkook. No matter how angry he is, he won’t ever lay a hand on anyone, especially you. 

“You know I have a girlfriend and yet you decided that it was appropriate to confess your feelings to me now?” he questions in a clipped tone, frown deepening with each thought that passes through his mind. 

“Look, Jungkook,” you start, taking a deep breath before continuing. To your surprise, he listens patiently. 

“I have been in love with you for two years now. Or well, I realised in our first year of Uni. But I’m pretty sure that I’ve been in love with you for far longer than I’ve realised. I know that you have a girlfriend and I know that I’m being selfish and a really shitty friend right now but I’ll be honest, it was beginning to burst out of me, my feelings, the words that I yearned to speak but could not, knowing that I’d be condemned to hell for speaking them. So quite frankly, I know I shouldn’t be scolding you, but I don’t need a fucking scolding from you,” you snap at him. Your breathing is laboured after the words leave your mouth. You pause for a second and watch him, waiting for him to make a move, to blow at you anyway. But he stays silent and you walk away, shoving your key into the lock of your apartment and swinging the door open with so much force that it slams into the coat rack standing behind it, knocking it down. 

Jungkook silently follows you into the house, gently placing down the groceries at the entrance of the kitchenette before he slips back into his shoes and leaves, slamming the door behind him. The slam is loud and resounding, and it feels like the sound waves are reverberating inside your chest, shattering your heart like glass. 

Left in the deafening silence, an air of complete and utter regret filling your apartment like a thick fog, the weight of your’s and Jungkook’s words finally take their toll on you, somehow increasing the gravitational pull on your body and pulling you to the floor. You do not know how you have yet to burst into tears but right now, all you can feel is a numbness that overwhelms your senses, dulling them down. Your ears tune out, your vision narrows, and the cool, tiled floor of the kitchenette beneath your fingers does not feel like cool tile at all. 

God, Jungkook must hate you now. 

And finally, at that thought, the idea of your best friend — or really, your only true friend — hating you, do your tears fall. 

[puddygeeks]

𝑾𝒂𝒓 𝑶𝒇 𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔 - 𝑪𝒓𝒊𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝑴𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒔, 𝑺𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒓 𝑹𝒆𝒊𝒅 𝒙 𝑶𝑪 - 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 8: 𝑮𝒐𝒍𝒅𝒆𝒏 𝑶𝒑𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒕𝒚

Masterlist

Rating: Mature

Summary: 𝐴𝑙𝑖𝑐𝑒 𝑛𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑖𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑒𝑑 ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑛 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑙𝑙𝑖𝑔𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑑𝑒𝑠𝑖𝑟𝑒 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑒𝑙𝑝 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑢𝑙𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑛 𝑡𝑟𝑜𝑢𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑙𝑒𝑓𝑡 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑙𝑒 𝑜𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠. 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑢𝑝𝑝𝑜𝑟𝑡 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐵𝐴𝑈 𝑓𝑎𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑦, 𝑚𝑎𝑦𝑏𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑏𝑒𝑔𝑖𝑛 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑡.

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Spencer Reid x OC

Status: Ongoing

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: 𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑑𝑢𝑙𝑡 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑡, 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑟𝑖𝑔𝑔𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑠 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑜𝑤. 𝑃𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒 𝑏𝑒 𝑎𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑑𝑜𝑒𝑠 𝑚𝑒𝑎𝑛 𝑐𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑐𝑎𝑠𝑒𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑢𝑟𝑑𝑒𝑟, 𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑙𝑑 𝑎𝑏𝑑𝑢𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 & 𝑠𝑒𝑥𝑢𝑎𝑙 𝑎𝑏𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝑎𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐵𝐴𝑈'𝑠 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑘. 𝐼𝑡 𝑖𝑠 𝑚𝑦 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑙𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑠𝑒 𝑖𝑠𝑠𝑢𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑠 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑓𝑢𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑠 𝑝𝑜𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑏𝑙𝑒, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝑖𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑏𝑒 𝑖𝑚𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑑 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ ℎ𝑜𝑤 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑠𝑒 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑎𝑔𝑒𝑑, 𝑝𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒 𝑙𝑒𝑡 𝑚𝑒 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤.

Eᴘɪsᴏᴅᴇ: Pʀᴇ Sᴇᴀsᴏɴ 1

Chapter Eight

“You know, it’s remarkably similar to Brighton Pier here.” I commented, fanning myself in desperation under the scolding sun and Ricky pushed his large sunglasses down to allow me to feel the full force of his judgement. “Well, except that it’s unmistakably hotter, obviously.”

“How dare you compare this beautiful sandy bliss to your pebble filled nightmare?” He remarked with a sweeping hand gesture at the beach, before sipping out of his straw with offence and I rolled my eyes at him.

Ricky has always been a force to be reckoned with, but as he got older, he only grew more confident and I was constantly inspired by how comfortable he was in himself. His thick brunette hair reached his collarbones now, but he currently had it pushed back out of his face with a colourful bandana so that he could tan. In order for him to worship the sun to his full capacity, he was wearing a worryingly small pair of shorts and had stretched himself across a lounger like the diva that he absolutely was.

“Hmm. Your actual beach is better, I’ll give you that one. But you’re seriously lacking on drag queens, quirky cafes and fancy boutiques to shop in.” I pointed out, fondly recalling the whirlwind weekend that we’d spent in the British city the last time that he’d visited me and he shrugged in defeat.

“Touché. You win this round.” He admitted, laying back to bask himself again, whilst I shuffled my sensitive skin further under the sun umbrella that he’d reluctantly agreed to allow me to bring over on the condition that it didn’t cause a single shred of shade over him.

It was a beautiful day, only improved by the quality of my company and I had to admit that I was endlessly pleased to have decided to extend my stay for another few days. Despite the years that had passed since we had last been in each other's physical company, Ricky was still able to put me at ease in a way that no one else had ever been able to emulate and I cherished the opportunity to simply relax with him at the Virginia Boardwalk.

“So, what’s it like being an FBI agent?” Ricky asked, turning his attention back to me with a smug expression. “Is it wonderful knowing that you have the power to stop anyone in their tracks? I would absolutely abuse my power for evil, but I know you’re too pure for that.” He muttered with delight and I chuckled at him knowingly. The things that he would use an FBI badge to accomplish didn’t even bear thinking about.

“Darling. I already told you. I’m not an FBI agent. I’m still a technical analyst for Interpol. I’m just on loan.” I repeated, already losing count of how many times I had made this distinction, but he still seemed as unconvinced by this as he was the first time that I told him.

“Oh, semantics! Sounds to me like you’re working for them and considering that you saved a girl from a burning building like a freaking hero, I’m just going to treat you like one.” He argued, seeming amused as if I were simply downplaying things, when realistically, it was a case of him dramatising the arrangement, as he did with most things. “We have an FBI agent in the family. That’s pretty cool.”

“There is absolutely no reasoning with you.” I groaned, shaking my head in embarrassment and he shrugged dismissively, as if this were an obvious fact that I should have accepted already. “How’s university going? Have you sorted your accommodation for your second year yet?”

“College is going fine. I’ve done a fantastic job being the life of the party, so I have plenty of offers for people to live with. My only struggle is choosing people who aren’t completely filthy as housemates. I can’t live in a grubbly little student hovel.” He explained, seeming repulsed by the very idea and I raised a brow at his diva attitude. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not being dramatic. My first year in dorms, I shared a bathroom with straight men. You don’t understand the trauma that I’ve lived through.”

“Does your mother know that you haven’t arranged housing yet?” I interrogated, already sensing a hint of dishonesty in him and his features quickly contorted into a guilty look. “Rituparan! I understand being picky, but you’ll end up with no choice other than to live with the grimy jocks if you don’t hurry up. You need to get organised.” I scolded, earning an eye roll so severe that I worried his face might never recover from the strain.

“Don’t get your panties in a twist, Alley Cat. I’ll get it sorted. Now, drink your mocktail before it gets too diluted.” He ordered, sipping down the last of his drink and placing the little umbrella from the top in his hair with a flourish. The moment that he faced me, I knew that he had mischief in mind.

“Okay. Are you ready? Who am I?” He pouted so dramatically that his cheeks all but disappeared and I almost choked on my drink.

“Oh, too easy! That is the unforgettable Lola, the only woman on the planet who considers a cocktail umbrella the perfect hair accessory for any occasion.” I answered, earning a cheer and wicked laugh of satisfaction from him. “You know, I love having someone else to mock dad’s exes with. You’d think the fact that he only dates women my age would mean we’d have something in common, but alas, apparently a sense of humour isn’t shared by age group.”

“Of course they’re not funny! The only thing those girls come with is a price tag.” He sassed, flipping his hair back out of his face in a ridiculously bitchy gesture and I was immediately reminded of just how much I loved him. “At least you don’t have to pretend to like Tanya anymore. Honestly, if she had a second brain cell, she’d be dangerous.”

“Oh, no! They broke up?” I gasped, almost sounding convincing with my upset and he whipped his head around with drastic confusion. “I guess she had to bleed my dad dry of pocket money eventually.” I drawled, prompting a small yelp of surprise and a quick high five from Ricky.

Tanya had been dating my dad for just over six months now, so I knew that she was likely to be approaching her expiration date soon. His routine was well known amongst the entire family now and in an effort to counter the embarrassment that it caused for my mother and I, it had become a running joke for us all to share.

“Didn’t you hear the details?” Ricky crooned, turning to face me fully on his lounger with a devious expression and I shrugged nonchalantly. “According to Maji, she tried to charge her lip fillers to his business credit card. Caused all sorts of uproar at the office. I guess she’ll be making that duck face at someone else’s wallet now.” He divulged, pouting into an exaggerated model face for effect and I struggled not to splutter my drink everywhere in response.

Ricky’s mother always seemed to know everything that was happening in our family and I’d long believed that this was where he’d learned to dig information out of people. She was abnormally gifted in guilt tripping the truth out of even the most hardened family members and yet, she doted on Ricky as if he was the very thing that made her world turn. If I ever wanted to know what was going on in my dad’s life, I knew that I could rely on her to be up to date with events.

Before I could manage to recover enough to speak, my mobile rang with it’s sharp tone and I had to clamber around in my bag to find it. As soon as I saw the private number, my eyes grew wide in dread.

“Oh, no! The bat phone?” Ricky asked, seeming genuinely horrified that I might be called into work and I quickly nodded, before holding a finger to my lips to shush him.

“Agent Hawthorne.” I answered, feeling utterly ridiculous referring to myself this way in my current company. This insecurity was only made worse by Ricky sliding his shades back on in a judgemental manner and I gestured to him to stop distracting me.

“Alice. This is Hotch. Are you still in Virginia?”

The voice on the other end of the phone was as serious as ever and though I was enormously relieved to find that it wasn’t anyone from Interpol trying to order me home, I felt nerves building in my chest already.

“Yes, Sir. I am.” I reported, noticing Ricky raising his brows at me in interest and I knew that he was dying to know what was being said.

“I realise that you’re spending time with family, but would you be able to come into the office for a meeting? I have a matter that I would like to discuss with you in person, if possible.” Hotch requested, allowing me absolutely no hint of the cause for this meeting and I felt my face change into one of alarm.

My mind had already begun racing with all of the possible complications that I could be facing for my actions at the base now that all of the documentation for the case had been submitted and I was terrified that if any further charges were brought against me, they could contradict the deal that I made with Interpol to avoid imprisonment.

“Yes, Sir. I’ll come in right away.” I stuttered, attempting to fight down my terror. My hands shook with nerves as I hung up on the call and Ricky looked positively thrilled to have been given the opportunity to witness this conversation, as if he’d just been personally included in a matter of national security.

“It’s a good thing that you went for virgin cocktails, my dear. I have to get back to Quantico.” I confessed, quickly burying my nerves so that he wouldn’t sense trouble.

“Oh my god! This is so exciting!” He announced, hopping straight to his feet and flustering to grab his belongings that were spread across every surface around him. “One cab for Agent Hawthorne, coming right up!”

--⥈--

Outfit: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/460070918191621506/

Standing in the lift of the Quantico building, I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I had been in such a rush to get here that it hadn’t even crossed my mind to change clothes, or to do anything to prepare my appearance at all. Though I knew that I didn’t have any more office clothes with me anyway, I acknowledged that I could at least have found something that provided a little more coverage and didn’t leave me feeling so exposed.

The idea of walking through an office where everyone was dressed smartly, wearing a white floral mini dress was an absolute nightmare and I realised that I only had a few minutes to make any changes. All I could think to do was to untie my waist length hair, shaking it out to at least cover some of my arms and attempting to make it look styled.

The doors opened to reveal a full office, with most of the team present at their desks and I gulped nervously. My dress felt as if it had actually shrunk in size since the beach now that I would be seen in it by people that I had worked with and I had to remind myself that I had bigger things to worry about with being called to come here than my attire.

JJ’s heels clicked on the polished floor as she entered the reception, her professional appearance clashing horribly with the casual style of my low top converses and I tried not to feel intimidated.

“Alice! I know that I said we wanted to see you again soon, but this is a little crazy.” She breezed as she approached me with a warm smile and I tried to force myself to relax. “Hotch is just finishing a call and he’ll be out to meet you.” She explained, before her gaze fell onto my outfit and I felt myself physically become stiff under her scrutiny. “You look pretty!”

“Oh, thanks. I was just on the beach. I’ve already worn all of my work clothes so, um, this is all I have?” I offered, shifting awkwardly and she smiled sympathetically at me.

“We’ve all been called in at unexpected times. I was literally collected from home in my pajamas once. You’ve got nothing to worry about.” She soothed, leaning closer to me as she spoke so that no one would overhear my concern and I let out a long breath in relief.

“Besides, I know that Hotch is just going to appreciate you being able to come in at such short notice. I hope you got to enjoy at least a little bit of your time off before we intruded?” She asked with an honest concern in her eyes and just as I opened my mouth to see if she could give me even the slightest hint of what to expect, Hotch stepped into the room.

“Alice. Thank you for coming so quickly.” He stated in his usual serious manner, reaching straight to shake my hand and I complied immediately, forcing a smile through my nerves. “I’ll try not to take up too much of your time. Let’s talk in my office.” He offered, opening the glass doors to the main office for me and I stepped through hesitantly.

Within approximately two steps of entering the space, I could already feel eyes on me and tried not to allow myself to be unnerved by the attention. The anxious voice in the back of my mind screamed that I was the most inappropriate looking member of staff to ever enter this office, but I forced myself to keep my head held high as Ricky had always preached.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that Spencer was watching me from his desk as if he’d been stopped in his tracks and I waved subtly at him, prompting him to hurriedly do the same back in a fluster. Morgan passed Hotch distractedly, before he noticed that I was following him with obvious surprise.

“Looking good, Poppins. Welcome back.” He muttered as he squeezed beside me, sneaking a charming smile and thanks to the combined warmth of the two men, once again I felt my nerves beginning to settle slightly.

Hotch encouraged me to take a seat in his office, before closing the door behind us and I felt as if I couldn’t think straight in the silence that followed. He settled into the seat opposite me, knitting his hands together on the desk between us and despite feeling before that I had reached the point where I could understand his expressions, his face at this moment was completely unreadable.

“For a start, I want to discuss what happened at the Twenty Nine Palms base.” He opened, his stern eyes studying my face for every minute reaction and though my heart sank at the suggested topic, I nodded back calmly.

“Whilst it can’t be denied that your actions resulted in saving a young girl's life, they were also unacceptably reckless. You demonstrated absolutely no regard for your own safety and jeopardised the reputation of the whole team. You are aware that we appreciate your support, but I’m not convinced that you realise we are legally and morally responsible for your wellbeing whilst you are under our service and that I would be personally held accountable for your death as a result of your irresponsible actions.” He lectured, his voice sounding even more severe than it had when I was in the ambulance and I felt my confidence crumbling with every word that he spoke.

It became clear that he had paused his speech to allow me the chance to explain myself and I cleared my throat to speak with a feeling of terror.

“I’m truly sorry for my actions, Sir. You are entirely right. I was reckless and selfish, and I didn’t consider how my behaviour would reflect on your team, and especially on you. I’m not going to make excuses. I just want you to know that I accept any and all consequences that you feel are appropriate.” I answered calmly, ensuring that I kept my tone calm and respectful, and he sighed as he studied me.

“I didn’t call you in here to punish you, Alice. This is a conversation, not a lecture. What I aim to understand is why an agent with no field experience, or any personal stake in the case, felt that they had no choice other than to risk their own life to save a child who they’d never met?” He clarified, his entire demeanour remaining unchanged even as he moved to a gentler tactic of questioning and I chewed on my lip.

It took a few moments for me to consider how best to answer this, but eventually I decided that I respected this team as a whole too much to lie. I prepared myself for a conversation that I knew would likely change his opinion of me permanently, but assured myself that honesty was a necessity at this point.

“When I was fifteen years old, my mother was abducted.” I began, glancing down at my hands as I spoke to avoid the intensity of his gaze. “It took four months for her to be found and when she came home, she was a different person. I never saw the mother that went missing again.” I paused, clearing my throat to keep the emotion from my voice before continuing.

“Three years later, a girl at my university went missing. She wasn’t the first, but the stakes were high as all of the others had been found murdered. I obsessed over everything that my mother had survived to come home and I couldn’t imagine how awful it would be to endure that at just eighteen years old. So, I began looking into the case and after a while of digging, I compiled enough information to anonymously assist law enforcement in safely recovering the missing girl. I realised then that I had the skills to make a difference to the world and I kept going, one missing person at a time, until Interpol found me.”

“You were given a choice between conviction, or working for them?” Hotch asked knowingly, as if he’d seen this very situation many times before and I recalled the recent conversation that I’d had with Penelope about hackers frequently being recruited through their questionable activities. I nodded slowly in response, deciding that this wasn’t the time to divulge any further information about the circumstances of my hiring.

“I didn’t join this field by choice. It was never the plan for my life. Don’t get me wrong, I always wanted to help people. I actually trained to become a psychiatrist, like my dad, but a job like this had never even been on my radar. Yet, here I am.” I explained, shrugging awkwardly as I realised that this sounded like I was ungrateful for the mercy that I was shown and I tried to be more careful with my wording when I spoke again.

“When I was standing in front of that building, watching the smoke pour out of it, all I could think about was how my mother told me that she spent every minute of every day that she was in captivity praying to come home. I could just imagine Amanda doing the same thing, hoping with everything she had that someone would save her and I was right there.” I stopped as frustration seeped into my voice, allowing myself to regain control so that I could resume my explanation.

“I knew that there was a chance that she was still alive and I felt like everything that had happened, all of the crazy unplanned situations that had led me to being there at that exact time were so that I could save her. It sounds insane, but it was like my legs moved before I had even decided what I was going to do. For the first time in my career, I trusted my team, this team to have my back and with all due respect, Sir, it was the right thing to do.” I finally finished my rant, forcing myself to meet his eyes to allow him to see my sincerity and I was shocked to find that his face was filled with understanding, causing me to realise that he was already filling in the blanks between my words.

“You said that this was the first time that you felt this way about your team. You shouldn’t be working with people that you can’t rely on. In our line of work, we are forced to face horrors that most people can’t even begin to imagine. The people around you should be your anchor in the storm.” Hotch advised, causing my eyes to become watery and I sniffed back my emotions, desperate not to cry in front of him. “You have options, Alice.”

“What options? Prison?” I scoffed, recalling my conversation with Shepard with a flinch.

Though I had thought in detail about leaving Interpol many times since my recruitment, I knew in a serious light that it was merely a fantasy and nothing more. Without my employment to them, I was considered as nothing more than a threat to security and returning to normal civilian life was no longer something that I could consider.

“Join our team.” Hotch offered, causing my mouth to drop open in shock and I noticed the corners of his lips twitch slightly upward at my reaction.

“It’s clear that you are neither happy, nor valued at Interpol. You have already proven the difference that you could make across multiple cases and the entire team have agreed that you make an excellent addition.” He elaborated, listing reasons that I struggled to even associate with myself and I couldn’t seem to form a response, as I stuttered in the silence.

“But, I-Sir, we just discussed how I jeopardised this team. I don’t mean to seem rude, or ungrateful because I absolutely am not, but I fail to see how I’ve given you the impression that I would make a suitable field agent. You already have Penelope for technical support, so I’m not sure what else you could need me for here.” I pointed out, hardly able to wrap my head around the sudden detour that this conversation had taken and found myself baffled at the very concept of him offering to employ me.

“When your team brought you for the Valeno case, you showed potential that they were purposefully dismissive of. After you left, Gideon suggested that I speak to you about a position within the BAU. Unfortunately, at the time we didn’t have the available resources to do this. Due to the recent successes of this team, we’ve been granted the budget to expand and I would be foolish to ignore a candidate who has already contributed to that success. You are a good fit and the first choice of every member in this unit.” He presented, completely disregarding my concerns and when I looked at him with confusion, he sighed.

“I have discussed the recent incident with Gideon and we share the opinion that with the correct mentoring and the support of a team that believes in your worth, you could be an exceptional field agent.” He divulged, causing me to raise my brows impossibly higher in surprise.

It was bizarre enough that Hotch wanted me to join the team, but finding out that Gideon had been the instigator for this offer blew what remained of my psyche to pieces and Hotch cleared his throat to regain my attention from my inner turmoil.

“The offer would, of course, be conditional. It would be based on your own commitment to overcoming your experiences. None of us are immune to personal biases and each of us have elements of our pasts that make certain cases more challenging for us than the others. However, we rely on each other to hold us accountable, and have all learned to be objective and to know our limits. If you think this is something that you can also undertake, then there is a place here for you. As long as you want it.” Hotch clarified, causing me to stare back at him in blatant disbelief.

“I-I honestly don’t know what to say.” I stuttered, fiddling with my hair anxiously and Hotch cracked a rare smile at me. “It isn’t as simple for me as just changing state. My life is in France now. I’ve already left my mum behind once in England. I’d also have to renounce my dual nationality and become an American citizen.” I thought aloud, considering the enormity of the decision before me and Hotch nodded in understanding.

“Can I have some time to think about it?” I asked nervously, unsure of what else to say and Hotch seemed completely unsurprised by my reaction, as if he’d actually been expecting it.

“Of course. It’s a serious decision that you aren’t expected to make right away. Take all of the time that you need.”

--⥈--

“Girl. Your life is crazy!” Ricky gasped, studying me with a fascinated expression and I had to laugh at his dramatic reaction, despite mostly agreeing with the sentiment. “You’re gonna say yes, right?”

I sighed deeply as I considered this question and the way that he considered me now revealed exactly how insane he thought I was for even needing to think about it. In order to avoid his prying eyes, I stood to start clearing away the takeaway boxes that littered my hotel room bed, but Ricky refused to be silenced.

“Alice. Honey. What are you doing?! Life at Interpol has been miserable for you since day one. You said it yourself. I can’t imagine anything there that could be worth turning this offer down for!” He scolded, staring at me in complete disbelief and I shook my head at his youthful attitude to things.

“It’s more complicated than that. I never planned to work in this sector at all, much less as an FBI agent!” I explained, still struggling to process the fact that this was even an option that was open to me. It felt as if it had come from nowhere and I was already overwhelmed with the mere concept of making such a serious life decision.

“This isn’t just a job that we’re talking about here. It’s a completely different life. I need to be sure that I can handle it, before I move away from everything that I know. I’d hardly ever get to see mum and Roger.” I clarified, struggling to make him understand the severity of the situation.

“You never visit your mama anyway! I should know. I overhear Maji talking to her about it enough.” He groaned, only causing me to feel even worse about the idea of moving even further away from her.

“Besides, if you took it then you’d be living right near me and there isn’t any better benefit than that!” He added, posing across the bed as if he were the most important factor in the proposal and I chuckled at him with fondness. He sighed at my lack of enthusiasm, before dropping to a more serious tone.

“The most important thing for all of us is your happiness. You’d be crazy to stay somewhere that is making your whole existence taste like bad Aloo Gobi. And you deserve better than that! You deserve for your life to always be like Maji’s cooking, full of love and happiness.” He described, seeming as if he’d distracted himself along the way and he glanced back down at his plastic container of curry with disdain.

“You realise that you have a gift for being able to relate literally anything to food, right?” I remarked playfully, observing him with amazement and he shrugged carelessly.

“Food is one of the most enjoyable things that sustains us. It’s important.” He argued passionately and I couldn’t think of a single point to dispute his statement with, having to allow him the pleasure of being correct. “Fortunately, Mumbai Gardens is able to provide an almost authentic experience, right here in the heart of Virginia. A good meal can heal many things, you know. Even the stress of your biggest ever life decision.”

“That’s high praise coming from you. Could it pass the home test though, do you think?” I queried with curiosity as I disposed of the remaining trash with the Mumbai Gardens logo on it and he scoffed as if I’d asked something utterly ridiculous.

“Not a chance! Even Mama would be able to tell you that it wasn’t completely correct. You know, she’s actually been with Maji long enough now to have better cooking taste than some of my other actual Indian friends.” He revealed, showing his love for his step mom, who happened to be my paternal aunt Heather, clear in his voice.

I couldn’t withhold a wide grin as I thought of my aunts, both filled with a warmth that radiated even in my memories. Heather and Ricky’s mum, Nabhitha, had been married for almost ten years now and were the main reason that I still had any faith in true love. They had done an admirable job of raising Ricky together, with Heather always treating him as if he was her biological son and I was endlessly proud of them. Thanks to them, Ricky had grown into the confident, funny teenager that I loved. Their blissful blended family gave me hope for my own future.

“I just had an idea.” Ricky breezed, sitting up particularly straight as if he could barely contain his enthusiasm and I turned back to face him with interest. “If you take this job, we could totally rent a place together! I could be your stylist extraordinaire, in-house councillor and professional Indian chef.” He suggested, his eyes gleaming with excitement and I scoffed loudly at the idea.

“Absolutely not. I’ve already got enough on my plate, without considering parenting you, Ricky.” I laughed, wincing at even the thought of dealing with his dramatics on a daily basis and he gasped at my refusal, seeming as if he could never have expected me to refuse his generous offer. “You can be as offended as you like, but I still don’t have the energy to deal with a college kid in my space. I’m not gonna be your easy way out of student housing. Pick some other teenagers to live with already.”

“Fine. I was offering you a lifestyle of sheer luxury, but I guess I’ll just have to take my fabulous self somewhere that I’ll be better appreciated.” He announced, acting as if he were hurt by my denial, before quickly softening back into a smile barely a few seconds later. “You should definitely think some more about taking the job though, queen. You deserve a fresh start.”

“We’ll see.” I conceded with a chuckle, desperate to simply end the conversation. “Now, which film do you want to rent?”

[osferth]

nainowale ne || part two

chapter summary: The two girls are older now, which only means one thing for Aethelflaed: marriage. But marriage does not bring the happiness she has been seeking.

word count: 4.4k

tagging: @marv-llous @lauwrite1225 @maggiescarborough @volvaaslaug @wildwren @aadmelioraa ​ @emilyhufflepufftlk @for-bebbanburg @poguesmaybank @cheerylogan @northumbria @geekandbooknerd @morosemagick

part one

The first time Estrid met Uhtred was not until two weeks later, where she happened to come across him at the exact moment he stormed out of the doors of the court. He had nearly barrelled into her in his haste to leave.

“Sorry, Lord,” Estrid said quickly, moving out of the way. She had improved a lot in remembering the terms she needed to use, much to Gytha’s delight. Uhtred paused suddenly upon hearing her accent. They both frowned at each other at the same time.

“You are not a Saxon, are you?” Uhtred asked, crouching down to meet her level.

Estrid shook her head. “You must be Uhtred,” she said. “Aethelflaed told me about you. Were you fighting with the king again?”

The initial anger on his face dissolved and he grinned at the lack of tact one would come to expect from a ten-year-old. “I wonder what you’ve been told about me,” he said. “I was not arguing with the king, no.”

“Then who was shouting in there?” the girl asked, pointing at the door. “I heard someone speaking Danish too, but I don’t think I’m allowed to say what it was.”

Uhtred laughed. “Alright, yes,” he said. “From one Dane to another, that is exactly what happened. It seems you’ve had more success with the Saxons than I have.”

Estrid scowled suddenly. “I mean, I love being Aethelflaed’s friend,” she said, “but everyone else wants me to be baptised. I don’t want to be a Christian! They’re too holy and they think they’re better than everyone else because they are always kneeling and praying somewhere. It sounds boring and stupid and I won’t do it.”

Uhtred tapped her shoulder. “They made me get baptised too,” he told her in a confidential whisper, “and yet I am still a Dane. I don’t pray to their nailed god, nor do I attend church. I think I would set on fire if I ever stepped foot inside one.”

Estrid giggled. “I think I would, too,” she admitted. “But you’re a grown-up warrior. I’m only ten, Gytha will just make me go to church. I think I would rather go to Hel.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Uhtred said enigmatically, standing up. “Gytha is who, a maid?”

“The scary one, yes,” Estrid said. “You’ll speak to her?” she added hopefully.

Uhtred nodded. “Something like that, yes. Take care of yourself, Estrid.”

Estrid smiled and waved as he left. There was a new spring in her step as she made her way to the garden, ready to meet Aethelflaed and tell her everything.

---------------------------------------------------

When Estrid returned to her quarters that evening, she found a very distressed Gytha meeting her at the door. She appeared quite red-faced and flustered.

“Have you been speaking to Uhtred?” she asked immediately. “He said you have not met him, but I can never fully trust a heathen-”

“Who is Uhtred?” Estrid asked as innocently as possible. Stifling her grin proved to be very difficult, even more so when Gytha threw her hands up in the air.

“He warned me against having you ‘dragged’ to church each week once you are baptised,” she exclaimed. “That you are a Dane at heart and it would be wrong to change that.”

“Oh,” Estrid said, taking off her boots. Her hair covered her face and she allowed herself to smirk in the few seconds before she straightened up, a look of pure concern on her face. “What did you say?”

“I told him I’d try my best,” she muttered, and Estrid’s eyes widened. “It was an honest answer! Do not think you’ve completely gotten away with not attending church, young lady, I will make sure you see the inside of it one day, even if you set on fire upon entering.”

“Funny, Uhtred said the same thing,” Estrid said absent-mindedly. Only an incredulous noise from Gytha prompted Estrid to realise her slip, and she quickly scampered off before Gytha could catch her.

---------------------------------------------------

Unfortunately, despite her best efforts, Estrid was baptised upon the orders of King Alfred not too long after. At Gytha’s request, it was a private affair, unlike Uhtred’s - according to him, it had been incredibly public. Estrid had supposed the ‘conversion’ of a Dane warrior warranted more of a spectacle than a child’s. In any case, she still called herself a Dane. The baptism did nothing to change her beliefs, a fact Gytha had been forced to come to terms with quite quickly.

Her relationship with Gytha continued to improve over the next few years. By the time Estrid was seventeen, their bond was almost that of a mother and a daughter. Gytha was still as strict as ever, but even she would not be loath to admit that Estrid’s behaviour - in her eyes, at least - had improved solidly under her guidance. Becoming Aethelflaed’s maid the previous year had been a major step for Estrid, though she had already started taking over some of Gytha’s duties earlier on than that.

Estrid’s friendship with Aethelflaed had only grown stronger. Anyone would say that Aethelflaed had matured into a beautiful, vivacious young woman, though she and Estrid were still as thick as thieves. They were hardly seen without each other, something the queen was persuaded into believing as a good thing - Estrid was no longer the wild child they had brought in six years ago, and with Aethelflaed’s influence she would continue to mature and grow in the same way.

Along with that was the very good appearance of piety that Estrid kept up around her and the king, of course.

A meeting with representatives from Mercia, along with Lord Ceowulf himself, ended in tragedy - or hilarity if your name was Aethelwold - when Ceowulf suddenly died halfway through. Estrid had been standing in the corner, watching all of it take place with mild interest. She attempted to make eye contact with Aethelflaed, but found her attention elsewhere.

Estrid followed her gaze across the room to Lord Aethelred, the young man that had accompanied the king of Mercia to Winchester. From what she understood, Ceowulf’s death would now make him the lord of Mercia, but she did not care about that. There was a sharp pang in her chest all of a sudden, and she realised she was glowering at Aethelred. Although he had not even spared a glance towards her, already the Dane did not like him.

It seemed Aethelflaed did, though.

After the chaos of the meeting, Estrid caught up to Aethelflaed. “I saw you making eyes at Lord Aethelred,” she said in a low voice, smiling to cover her irritation. She was unsure why she was beginning to detest Aethelred already, but she was certain that her mind would not change. Although she usually trusted her instincts, she decided to ignore them in favour of Aethelflaed’s happiness.

“I was not doing anything of the sort,” Aethelflaed denied at once.

“Of course not,” Estrid said, “and I am a Saxon.”

The shove she received a second later did not surprise her.

“I was just looking at him,” Aethelflaed added defensively. “There is no harm in that.”

“I never said there was,” Estrid countered. “Look, I know that you like the look of him. And now that he is to be the lord of Mercia, he has risen in standing even more. I know your mother likes him too,” she added.

Aethelflaed’s eyes widened. “She does? How can you tell?”

Estrid did not want to answer that. Already she felt as though she had said too much, but she felt obliged to speak. “I saw her looking at you… while you were looking at Aethelred. She certainly looked approving.”

The smile on Aethelflaed’s face almost made it worth it. “I am glad,” she said after a moment.

“But don’t you realise what that means?” Estrid asked. “You are of age now, you know. They will want you married. And he is the perfect match, especially after what happened today with that old fart.”

“Estrid!” Aethelflaed exclaimed, lightly smacking her arm. The Dane grinned. “I do know that,” she continued. “And is it really so bad? Lord Aethelred seems… lovely. I wouldn’t mind getting married if it was to him.”

“I would,” Estrid muttered, all traces of her grin disappearing. “He looks like a turd.”

“Perhaps you’re just jealous,” Aethelflaed teased.

“Oh, definitely not,” Estrid said, rolling her eyes. She was certainly not jealous of Aethelflaed, at least. “There are just some faces you don’t like, Aethelflaed. His is one of them.”

“I don’t understand you, Estrid,” Aethelflaed sighed. “Is it just because he is a Saxon too?”

“Of course not,” Estrid replied. “He looks more like a Dane, if I’m honest. No, it isn’t that at all, else why would I be friends with you?”

“Then what is it?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted with a shrug. “Perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps it’s just that I don’t want to see my best friend married off so soon. We won’t be able to see each other as much if he is taking up most of your time.”

Aethelflaed reached out and took her hand with a smile. “If I do end up marrying Lord Aethelred, I won’t leave you here in Winchester. You’ll come with me, and I promise I will not spend all of my time with him. I’ve known you far longer, Estrid, you know how I care for you.”

Estrid met her gaze with a little smile, though her throat felt tight. “Alright. I’ll hold you to that, Lady.”

Aethelflaed laughed then, and everything felt alright, if only for a short while.

---------------------------------------------------

Estrid’s prediction was correct. She was standing behind Aethelflaed with the train of her wedding gown in hand, the lady Aelswith leading the way to show it to Alfred. Estrid’s breath had caught in her throat for a moment after Aethelflaed had put it on for the first time.

Aethelflaed looked stunning, even more so than she had thought was possible. The dress was quite simple, but the soft pinks and blues brought out the colour of her eyes and the rosiness of her cheeks.

“Do you like it?” she asked, spreading her arms slightly to show it off. Alfred appeared to agree. A rare smile broke out on his face, pride evident in his eyes.

“I have not seen anything so beautiful,” he said. Estrid silently agreed.

“Did I not say the same?” remarked Aelswith.

“I hope that Aethelred says the same,” Aethelflaed smiled. Estrid wished the same, even if it pained her to think about. She tuned out the rest of the conversation after that, her ears perking up when Aethelflaed asked whether Uhtred would be attending.

“Sadly, he will, I'm sure,” Aelswith said, her displeasure evident in her voice, and Estrid could not help but grin to herself. In doing so, she accidentally caught Alfred’s eye and immediately wiped it from her face. He was the only person other than Aethelflaed and Gytha to be aware of her friendship with Uhtred. It was only natural, given that they were both Danes, but it was better for Aelswith not to know.

“I consider him to be our lucky charm,” Aethelflaed said proudly.

“Now, now, there'll be no mention of luck or charms,” Alfred said quickly, making Estrid smile at his godliness. “There is God's will and nothing more.”

“Praise him,” added Aelswith.

Estrid remained silent until she had left the room with orders to take Aethelflaed back to her room and safely store the dress away.

���I can’t believe I’m going to be married,” Aethelflaed told her, her excitement practically bouncing off the walls. “Do you like it, Estrid? The dress?”

Estrid didn’t say anything for a moment, nearly forgetting to speak until Aethelflaed gave her a searching look. “Y-yes,” she answered quickly. “I do. You look beautiful, Aethelflaed, really. That turd won’t know what to do with himself when he sees you.”

Aethelflaed beamed at her. “I’m so glad you think so,” she said, ignoring the insult to Aethelred. “I was hoping you’d like it, I wouldn’t have chosen this one unless I’d thought you would.”

“I wonder what the queen would think of you choosing your wedding gown to please a Dane,” Estrid said, laughing in an attempt to cover the rising blush on her cheeks.

“Keep your voice down!” Aethelflaed urged her, smiling nonetheless.

“Sorry, sorry! But, I really am honoured that you were thinking of me when you chose it,” Estrid continued. “It really means a lot.”

More than Aethelflaed would ever know, she thought to herself.

---------------------------------------------------

The day of the wedding had finally arrived. Aethelflaed was a bundle of nerves, and Estrid was trying desperately to calm her down.

“Estrid, what if this is the wrong idea?” the princess asked suddenly, and the Dane sighed.

“It isn’t, I promise you,” she assured her, even if privately she, too, was incredibly anxious. That man gave her a bad feeling; he looked too nice. “You like him a lot, and he clearly likes you, too. Nothing will go wrong, I swear.”

She adjusted the flower crown on Aethelflaed’s head. It was something that Estrid had first suggested and then created herself. The women living in Estrid’s settlement had all worn crowns made of flowers weaved together on the day of their wedding, something only Aethelflaed was made aware of. The princess had loved the idea as soon as Estrid explained it to her, though she omitted the Danish influence in her own explanation to Lady Aelswith.

“There. You look incredible.”

Estrid stepped back to admire her handiwork, although the beauty of the princess kept distracting her. It was only a sigh from Aethelflaed that finally prompted her to tear her eyes away. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

“What if my mother was right?” Aethelflaed said, a note of panic seeping into her voice. “We have only met briefly, after all.”

Estrid took her hand. “I saw the look he gave you, did I not?” she comforted her. “Worrying is natural before any wedding, but don’t let it hinder you. You and Aethelred… you will be perfect for each other.”

Her breath hitched for a moment as she spoke. To an outsider, it would appear to be a sign of her happiness that her closest friend was getting married to the man of her dreams, but Estrid could not be feeling any worse. The hour was drawing nearer, and as she reassured Aethelflaed, she felt her own heart pound horribly in her chest. Her throat was tight and she quickly turned to rub her eyes before Aethelflaed could notice. Estrid drew a breath before she spoke.

“Are you ready?”

Aethelflaed nodded silently, and the two of them embraced each other tightly for as long as they dared, until Estrid finally drew back and reached for the veil. She draped it over the princess’ head before stepping back to pick up the train of her gown, her eyes swimming with tears she was thankful Aethelflaed could not see.

---------------------------------------------------

Estrid was excused soon after that. She could have chosen to remain with Gytha and serve the guests at the wedding feast, but after having seen how miserable she looked, Gytha had been the one to suggest she get some fresh air. So Estrid immediately left to find Uhtred who, as it turned out, was not far from the palace. In fact she found him seated on the steps outside, together with Finan. Sihtric was a few feet away, embracing the woman he had recently been allowed to marry, and Estrid quickly averted her gaze. That was the last thing she wanted to see at that moment.

In front of them was Aethelwold, nattering away about something clearly nobody was interested in hearing. Uhtred seemed relieved to see Estrid standing there, and beckoned her down to sit next to him. “They let you go already?” he asked.

“Gytha did,” Estrid replied. “What’s that turd doing here?”

‘That turd’ scoffed. “I speak of treachery and treason-”

“Nothing important then,” Estrid said, cutting across him. From Uhtred’s other side, she heard Finan snicker.

“You don’t look happy,” Uhtred commented. Estrid shook her head, and he placed a hand on her shoulder. “She is too good for him, I know it as much as you do. But you will be the first to see her tomorrow morning, don’t forget that. You will still be by her side every day after that, too.”

Estrid smiled a little. Uhtred did not know the truth of her misery, how it extended beyond just healthy concern - but then again, she hardly understood it herself. Despite that, he was right. She needed to see the positives for what they were and make the most of them, or risk letting her sadness get the better of her. Without a word, Estrid nodded. She would not have had the time to speak even if she had wanted to, for Aethelwold had resumed his incessant talk once again. Standing near him, however, was a boy she had not seen before. He, too, seemed to be attempting to get Uhtred’s attention, but Aethelwold would not be quiet.

“Excuse me, Lord Uhtred,” the boy repeated, and Estrid nudged Uhtred.

“He wants to speak to you,” she whispered. “For the love of the gods, please say something to him. If I have to hear another word from Aethelwold-”

Uhtred nodded slightly and Aethelwold finally fell silent, letting the boy speak. He introduced himself as Osferth, Leofric's nephew. Estrid had never met Leofric, but Uhtred had told her many stories of their adventures together. She knew how much he meant to the man. Aethelwold then interjected, proclaiming him as Alfred's bastard, and Estrid finally looked up. Osferth did not look much like Aethelflaed, or Alfred for that matter, but she supposed both favoured their mothers.

As Osferth told Uhtred of his intention to serve them as a warrior, just as his uncle had, Steapa appeared behind them. Apparently, Alfred wished to speak with Uhtred immediately, making Estrid wince. Whatever Uhtred had done now, she knew it could not be good. She watched him briefly tell Osferth to find him again, to which the boy beamed and thanked him, before he left to see Alfred.

Estrid did not stay for long afterwards. She stood up and asked Finan to make sure Gytha knew she had returned to her quarters if she asked.

"It'll be alright," he told her, patting her arm. "Just as Uhtred said, you'll see her soon."

Estrid exhaled and nodded, knowing both of them were right. She gave Osferth a reassuring smile before she turned and left for her quarters, willing herself not to cry.

Closing the door behind her, she sank down onto her bed and sighed. At least she could be alone with her thoughts for a while, long enough to collect them and attempt to figure out what exactly was wrong. Estrid was already not fond of the thought of Aethelflaed marrying the man Uhtred had aptly described as a ‘bread-pudding of a boy’, but she was unsure of whether it was because he had a look to him that she disliked, or whether it was simply because he was marrying Aethelflaed.

She supposed Aethelflaed had been right there. If him marrying Aethelflaed was the issue, there was still no reason for Estrid to be upset. It was not as though she would be separated from her best friend, much the opposite.

So what in the name of Odin was her problem?

Estrid had never bothered to sit down and examine her own feelings before. What was the point? She had never understood the way other girls would become so afflicted by their feelings towards the men they were surrounded by, but whenever they became the subject of a conversation, Estrid certainly did not want to feel left out. Every so often, she would search out a relatively attractive young man and force herself to harbour feelings for him, without properly understanding what she was even doing. As long as it meant she fit in, she did not mind. 

One thing Estrid noticed, however, was that she had never once spoken of any of these men to Aethelflaed out of what she realised was guilt. And after spending enough time with Aethelflaed, their very names would slip her mind. None of them stood out to her enough to remember anyway, especially compared to Aethelflaed.

The girl groaned and put her face in her hands. Why did it all have to be so confusing? 

---------------------------------------------------

They travelled to Mercia soon after the wedding. Gytha had been teary-eyed upon parting with Estrid, the most emotional she had ever seen the older woman. Leaving her side for the first time was the most painful goodbye of them all, even if she promised to visit as often as she could. Uhtred had wished her good luck as she got on the boat, telling her he hoped her patience would withstand Aethelred’s now-infamous temper, and Estrid had laughed.

She had hardly laughed afterwards.

Aethelflaed had been unusually quiet for the whole journey, hardly meeting her gaze. But Estrid still could not find a moment to speak with her alone, not with Aethelred hovering about.

That evening, she was back to serving food again. Estrid wished Gytha had accompanied her, for the other servants were strangers to her, and she was in no mood to befriend anyone. Silently, she refilled the jug of wine before Aethelred, not even looking up as he spoke.

“You’re eating like a little bird,” he said to Aethelflaed. “Peck, peck, peck.”

Estrid bristled at this. Aethelred could almost playfully be teasing her, if it were not for the snark in his voice.

“I have no appetite,” Aethelflaed said quietly, pushing the plate forward. There was a moment’s quiet, before Aethelred spoke up once more.

“Tomorrow we ride. I would like you to travel with me.”

“To battle?”

“Part of the way.” Aethelred took a swig from his cup. “Or would you rather not?”

“No, no, lord, I would like to go,” Aethelflaed answered quickly. She did not sound eager, but nervous. Estrid frowned from where she was standing, wondering what had happened between the wedding and now.

 “Then eat,” Aethelred ordered. “For strength.”

Estrid watched Aethelflaed tentatively reach out and pick up a tiny morsel of food, eating it slowly. 

“Out,” Aethelred ordered the servants suddenly. Estrid flinched, nearly spilling the jug in her hand. “All of you, out.” She quickly handed the jug to an older servant who glared disapprovingly at her before they filed out of the room. For a moment, she met Aethelflaed’s eye. The princess gave her a nervous sort of smile before Estrid was forced to keep moving. While the others went their separate ways, Estrid hung back, opening the door slightly. If she could not speak to Aethelflaed, then she would see for herself exactly what was happening.

Through the crack in the door, she watched Aethelred rise from his seat and slowly walk towards her. “You have the palest of skin,” he commented. Estrid felt her skin crawl. “Unblemished.” Reaching out, he brushed his fingers against Aethelflaed’s cheek, to which she recoiled slightly. “My touch offends you?”

“No, it was a surprise, lord, nothing more than that,” Aethelflaed said placatively. “Lord, love should be gentle and kind,” she added.

"Gentle and kind, she says,” sneered Aethelred. Estrid’s hand tightened around the handle of the door. “How is it that you have a knowledge of how love should be?”

“I do not.”

“Am I not the first?”

“You will not insult me.”

“And you will not offer me lessons on how to plough a field!” Aethelred snapped, and Estrid’s hand enclosing the handle began to shake.

“That is not what I was doing,” protested Aethelflaed, to no avail.

“Who is it that you've been with?” he demanded, growing louder by the second. “How many have you been with?”

“Lord, please...”

“Uhtred is one, is he not?”

Estrid wanted to throttle him.

“You have no right to speak to me in this way!” said Aethelflaed, her own voice rising now. Estrid shakily exhaled, glad that she was standing up for herself. 

“Of course, I have a right!” Aethelred bellowed. “You are my wife!” 

“I am Aethelflaed of Wessex!” she cried, abruptly standing up. “And you will not treat me like I am a servant girl!”

All of a sudden, Aethelred reached out and grabbed a fistful of her hair. “Do not,” he panted, pulling her head down until it thudded on the table, “do not... never... raise your shrill voice to me! You will see a priest and we shall find the truth of this.”

Estrid gasped without meaning to, feeling helpless as she watched him mistreat Aethelflaed. Her whimpers were quiet, but Estrid could hear them nonetheless. It took every ounce of self-control within her to not kick the door down and beat the shit from the turd who called himself the Lord of Mercia.

“This is not love, that is the truth of it,” Aethelflaed said, her voice tremulous as she sat up.

“You will see a priest!” shouted her husband. Estrid felt unable to move from where she was standing, her hand pressed tightly over her mouth, until she realised Aethelred was headed for the door. Quickly she pulled away from the door and turned the corner, pretending to be busying herself with a basket that sat nearby. He walked right past, paying her no mind.

Whatever doubts Estrid may have had about this man, they were nothing compared to what she had just seen. There was no telling what he had done to Aethelflaed the night of the wedding itself, and she certainly did not want to imagine it. Estrid had disliked Aethelred before, but now she despised him. She despised him for marrying her, for daring to think he was good enough for her, for treating her with less respect than a dog. 

Aethelflaed was the Princess of Wessex, and Aethelred was unworthy of her. Estrid did not believe for a second that she was worthy either, but by the gods she vowed she would never have even thought to treat her so appallingly.

Her heart broke for Aethelflaed. The romantic dream she had harboured of a happy marriage had swiftly turned into little more than a nightmare, one that she was now trapped in forever, and all Estrid could do was watch from the sidelines, no matter how much she wanted to do something. For now, at least, everything felt hopeless.