#reading those takes a toll on my life expectancy

[ballzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

don't you guys hate it when you're reading a really good fic and then they just pull a daddy kink out of nowhere

please i just want to read something silly

[dogearedheart]

8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)

[sundrop-writes]

Eager Little Puppy

Isaac Lahey x Gender Neutral Reader

Summary:

You offer to help Isaac relax. He agrees, thinking that you have something entirely different in mind. But when he finds out what you have planned, he really can't bring himself to mind.

(Or - you fuck Isaac's brains out to help him relax.)

Isaac Lahey x GN!Reader. Friends with Benefits. Smut/PWP.

Word Count: 2,700

Teen Wolf Masterlist | AO3 Link

Full list of warnings and author's notes below the cut.

Warnings: this is primarily a smut fic; the reader character is completely gender neutral - there is no mention of the reader's genitals and no description of what kind of genitals the reader has, and the only pronouns used to refer to the reader are you/yours; use of Y/N; most of the fic focuses on Isaac and acts the reader performs on him; there is dom/sub dynamics - the reader is more dominant and Isaac is more submissive; there is a slight passing mention of Isaac's abusive past (and how it makes him stressed out, so he is eager to use sex and submission as a way to relax and ease his mind); marking kink (the reader giving Isaac love bites and hickies); anal fingering - Isaac receiving (mention of Isaac being an anal virgin before this); oral - Isaac receiving; praise kink (reader praises Isaac and he loves it) - the reader calls Isaac 'good boy', 'pretty', and 'puppy'; lots of dirty talk; use of a dildo on Isaac (anally); passing mention of blood (the reader licks Isaac so hard that he bleeds and then licks it); Reader swallows Isaac's cum - I think that's it?

A/N: Just another random fic I wrote while on hiatus because I can't get enough of my baby Isaac, and I feel like he would love being called by the nickname Puppy (and that is now forever what I refer to him as in my head). He just looks like such a puppy lmao. He has big puppy dog eyes, he's constantly looking to others (like Scott, Erica, and Derek) for guidance and validation, he's eager to follow even though he's strong and could be a leader. He is an eager little puppy lapdog and I love him so fucking much. I just wanna pet his hair like a sweet little puppy and praise him and also fuck his brains out. Hence, this fic. Anyway, if you're a fellow Isaac lover, I hope you enjoy this fic!!

...

When you had suggested ‘relaxing’, Isaac thought you meant taking a bubble bath, some candles, aromatherapy.

Perhaps reading a book curled up in bed with some gentle music playing in the background. You seemed like the type of person to enjoy those things. He had no clue what relaxation even was - it’s not like he had a lot of time to relax, going straight from his father’s house of horrors to Pack life with Derek, nearly being killed every other week. 

Of course, that was exactly why you had suggested this. 

You and Isaac had been friends for a while, flirting back and forth for even longer, and fooling around for only a few short weeks. He knew that you cared about him a lot, and he was grateful that you actually thought about these things. That you actually considered the toll that stress took on him. 

He just had no clue what he was getting himself into when he agreed to a ‘relaxing’ evening with you. 

He certainly hadn’t been expecting this. 

Being laid out on your bed, completely naked while you were still mostly clothed, the lights delightfully soothing and dim, the covers so soft against his skin while you took him on the ride of his life. His body was covered in your spit and teeth marks, sharp suction spots where you had latched on and made him moan. Unfortunately the marks were already healing, making you regretful and even more determined to make him remember you by the distinction of your touch alone. 

Still, you dug your teeth in, providing the perfect little bite of pain to go with the pleasure, especially now as your fingers well-lubed fucked up inside of him - making your impression in his previously untouched hole for the first time. You pushed your fingers deep inside of him, fucking him with precise, certain movements while your mouth worked on his cock. 

He felt like his mind was slowly melting between his ears, every single known thought escaping him - but he had a distinct feeling that’s exactly what you had wanted. Because now he couldn’t worry, he couldn’t stress, he couldn’t even spend a single moment thinking about anything that had been plaguing his mind for the past few months. He couldn’t even be insecure about the whorish moans he was letting out or the way he was angling his hips toward you, silently begging for more. 

This was entirely relaxing. 

You moaned around his dick, encouraging him - causing him to let out another loud moan. 

It made you smile internally, feeling that in the way his body gave in to you, the way his needy hole flexed around your fingers, opening up to you but clenching slightly - telling you how badly he wanted more, needed more, even without words. 

You pulled off his cock with a wet pop, causing him to let out a shuddering moan of disappointment as the now spit-slick sensitive organ was exposed to the cool air. His dick fell against his stomach, smearing precum against the smooth, porcelain skin there while you eased another finger into his greedy hole. Now, fucking three of your fingers in and out of him, something that made Isaac part his thighs and wiggle his hips down into your touch, of course - desperate for more, even unconsciously. 

“That’s it - such a good boy for me.” You purred, grinning down at him. 

He was so pretty like this. 

His face dropped back against the fluffiness of your pillow, his eyes fluttering closed and his mouth gaped open as he let out the prettiest soft sounds. His lips were swollen and spit-glossed from where you had kissed him, something that made him breathless and wrecked. His nipples were puffy and swollen from where you had bitten and worked them, making him so frenzied and frantic, his stomach heaving with little breaths, desperate to get air into his lungs as you continually punched it out of him by fucking your fingers up into him. 

His long, thick cock gently bobbed against his stomach, leading down to a nest of blond hair that covered his heavy balls, smeared wet with the lube that you were fucking him with. 

Somehow - even in such a sinful state, he looked so damn angelic. 

He was severely enjoying the thickness and the rhythm of your three fingers, you could only imagine how much he would like what you had for him next. 

“Such a pretty thing, aren’t you?” You couldn’t contain the praise, not when he was this good, not when you felt the affection swelling up inside of you. He let out a loud, rattling moan at this, and you knew that you had struck gold. “Such a pretty boy. You like it when I remind you how fucking good you are, huh?” 

“Please,” Isaac choked out, his throat clearly dry and strangled from all the moaning he had been doing. “Please - more.” 

You locked eyes with him, and saw nothing but glassy, empty headed pleasure swimming there. And while his needy body flexed tightly around your fingers, you knew exactly what he was begging for - like a fish on dry land gulping desperately, you knew exactly what he was struggling for. 

More of your praise. Something he likely didn’t even know he had wanted before this, now lighting his body on fire. Now something he was desperate for more of - something he would likely need to survive from now on. 

“You want more, pretty boy?” 

You teased him, gently skimming your thumb along the underside of his cock, tracing a thick vein that made his muscles jolt. He nodded his head frantically, breathing thickly again, his eyes falling shut as his head fell back once again, eagerly waiting for you to comply. 

“Yeah? You’re gonna get everything you want. Cause you’re such a pretty boy - you deserve it all. Such a good boy, such an eager little puppy-” 

The nickname was something you had teased him with before. When you had found out that Derek had turned him, you insisted that if Derek and Scott were well-trained, full-blown wolves, then Erica, Boyd, and Isaac were just ‘puppies’. Newbies. It was something meant to taunt him, belittle him. But you had always seen the spark in his eyes when you said it. 

And now, feeling the way his hole clenched around your touch, feeling his hips fuck down against you, seeing the little pulse that shifted his cock as a bit of precum leaked out - you had known that you were right. 

Isaac was just an eager puppy waiting to be fucked. 

“Please, please!” He gasped out, whipping his eyes open and looking down the length of his body at you. “Hnng, I need it!” 

He wasn’t even entirely sure what he was begging for - it was pure static between his ears, a senseless TV signal that only became slightly clear when your voice cut through the snow. 

“Hey, shhh, it’s okay, puppy.” You said, smoothing your free hand across his stomach, purposefully avoiding any contact with his cock. “I’ve got you.” 

He reached out and grabbed your wrist, and your chest swelled with just how sweet he was - how loving and affectionate, even when he was clearly desperate to be fucked. 

“Such a sweet boy,” You continued to praise him, petting that hand across his torso, reaching to gently flick his nipple, exhausting more moans from him as you did this. “Such a sweet little puppy, aren’t you? Just an eager little thing desperate to be fucked, huh?” 

Isaac’s moan in response turned into a little howl of disappointment as you pulled your fingers out of him completely. You were almost hurt by the way his lip quivered and his brows furrowed - you would have been more upset if you didn’t know that you had something better in store for him. 

“Y/N-” He began to argue, his voice absolutely sour, but you cut him off. 

“I’ve got you.” You told him firmly, leaning in and kissing across his chest, ending this by laying a kiss on his mouth, causing your clothed body to roughly brush against his cock for a moment - which made him whine. “I’m gonna take good care of you, puppy.” 

He let out another guttural moan at these words, and watched with wide, curious eyes as you reached to your nightstand. His eyes widened when your hand came back with a cock - a six inch, bright blue, veined dildo. He felt a slight twist of anxious intimidation in his stomach at the thought of taking the object inside of him, but it was quickly washed out by pure need when his hole clenched around nothing and he realized how terribly empty he felt now that your fingers were gone. 

“Do you trust me?” You asked, reaching for the lube that you had dropped on the bed beside him earlier, slicking up the cock with more than a healthy amount. 

“Yes.” Isaac told you honestly. 

“Good.” You grinned at him. “Cause this is gonna be so good for you, baby.” 

You then put it between his thighs, using one hand to tease the tip of the lubed up dildo along his slightly gaped hole while you reached your other hand, still very wet with lube, to his cock. You took a good grip on him and began slowly jerking him off while you eased the first few inches of the cock into him. 

Isaac let out a loud moan, tossing his head back, his thighs tensing as he was already overwhelmed with pleasure. It was just a hint of what was to come, but it was so good to be stretched open around something so thick, something that filled him up so well. 

It was just a slight burn in his muscles as his body ached to accommodate something thicker and wider than your fingers - but there was a feeling, something deep in his stomach that was aching and curious for more. His cock was slowly warming up with pleasure as you touched him, turning his brain into even more of a soup as he gripped at the sheets beneath him and prayed that this feeling would never have to stop. 

“More!” He cried out, angling his hips further into your touch. 

“Such a greedy puppy, aren’t you?” You cooed, your voice edging on mocking as you sped up the pace of your hand on his cock, easing more of the dildo into him, indulging in the beautiful sounds he let out. “Just can’t have your pretty hole filled fast enough, can you?” 

Isaac let out a moan in agreement, and you pushed forward until the last of the cock was finally inside of him, leaving him furled around the base and gripping it tightly, echoing out a pretty gasp as he was fully filled. 

The six inch dildo wasn’t huge, but it was the biggest (and only) cock he had ever taken inside of him, so it made him feel absolutely full. It made him feel like he was being split open in the best way possible. It made his mind melt right down to liquid butter, made his cock pulse with pleasure in your hand. Isaac felt a sense of bitter cruelty when you closed your grip around the base, making his dick throb harder and ache. 

“Good?” You asked, clearly meaning to check on his well being.  

Isaac wanted to voice a complaint about you not making him cum fast enough, but he knew that wasn’t what you were asking about. 

“S-so good.” He choked out, trying to angle his hips back and fuck himself on the cock. 

“Good.” You replied, a wicked grin forming across your lips. “Now you’re gonna get exactly what you need. You’re gonna get your dumb little puppy brains fucked out,” 

Isaac didn’t even have a moment to question these words before you were pulling the dildo out of him slightly and fucking it back into him as hard as you could muster. This started a brutal, rough pace of hammering the toy between his thighs, not even giving him a moment to feel empty before he was full again - something that would have been painful if not for his incredible healing abilities and the pain tolerance that came with it. No, this wasn’t painful - this was just bliss. 

Pure, mindless bliss at your hands, having his hole fucked at such an intense pace - something he always needed but never knew to ask for. 

And then, your mouth was on his cock again. 

He let out a purely inhuman sound, a deep growl that dissolved into a whine like the puppy you accused him of being when you took him down to the base all in one go, smothering his cock in the impossible sauna wet heat of your mouth in seconds. 

You only relented your pace of fucking the fake cock into him for a moment to concentrate on not gagging on his impressive seven inch thickness, giving a few hard gulps around the tip of his cock as it settled in the back of your throat. Something that drove him absolutely insane between the pressure of your throat on his dick, smothering him in wet heat, and the feeling of the fake cock fucking into his asshole, filling him up so good, wetness smearing between his thighs, making him feel so perfectly raw as you continually fucked him. 

You pulled off his cock and replaced your mouth with your hand, kissing along his hip, digging your teeth in and leaving another harsh bite that would heal too soon for his liking. Isaac had a passing thought about getting a tattoo of your teeth marks on his skin, but it was drowned out by you licking up the bit of blood that sprouted there before you began talking again, your voice a bit more rough than before from having his cock nestled so tightly in your throat. 

“You like getting fucked and filled, puppy?” 

You purred against his skin, your voice full of spit, so perfectly syrupy. Isaac didn’t have a moment to even contemplate answering, not with the barrage of sensations overwhelming him, quickly drawing him closer to his orgasm. 

“You like having your pretty cock sucked while your needy little hole is filled up? Hmm? Are you gonna cum like this? Are you gonna cum from being fucked like the needy little puppy that you are?” 

One of these days, that nickname was going to kill him. 

“Please, Y/N, please!” He chanted out, his breath barely making it back into his lungs every time the force of you fucking the dildo into him forced a sharp moan out from between his lips. “Please, ‘m gonna cum, please lemme cum, please-!” 

Him asking for permission to cum was the thing that truly drove you insane. 

“Cum for me, puppy.” You told him, reaching to sweep the tip of his cock back into your mouth, eager to taste him. 

You continued to fuck him hard through it, creating a beautifully sloppy sound in the room as the thick plastic toy destroyed him, fucking into his needy hole utterly relentlessly. It was only a moment later that he came, his shaking thighs stiffening and his back arching off the bed. 

You were barely able to hold him down as he shoved more of his cock into your mouth, shooting thick spurts of cum across your tongue and down your throat, so perfectly driven mad by all the sensations you had delivered to him. You sucked him through it, not stopping until you were satisfied that you had every single last drop of his release. 

When it was over, you popped off his cock, and he was still panting, desperate to catch his breath when you eased the dildo out of him - causing a gentle moan from him - now slightly disappointed at the feeling of being empty and wondering if he would ever be the same again without that fullness inside of him. You put it aside to be taken care of later and crawled up Isaac’s body, draping yourself over him to capture his mouth - causing an odd delight to him as he tasted himself on your tongue. 

“Well,” Isaac sighed against your lips. “That is one hell of a way to relax.” 

You couldn’t help but to laugh at this.

...

A/N: Please keep in mind, this is a oneshot, and there will not be a follow up or a 'Part 2'. So if you are going to comment, please comment about the body of the material that has been written.

I would love to write more about Isaac in the future, and I do have another smut fic for him in my drafts, so if you're an Isaac lover, definitely follow me and look out for that. And go to my Teen Wolf masterlist for more non-smutty stuff about him that is currently there. But for now, this is a singular, closed off story and there will not be a follow up to it. I hope you have enjoyed it if you have read this far, and thank you so much for reading!

[kalki-tarot]

Your dream spouse vs. the real one ❤️‍🔥

You & your Destined fs 🌙

Take a deep breathe and pick a picture you feel most drawn to.

Disclaimer : tarot is not 100% accurate, this reading is just for fun. Tarot does not substitute professional treatment of any kind. I'm not responsible for any decisions you make on behalf of my readings. This may not resonate with everyone. Please be mindful of your own actions and thoughts ♡

I'll be very straightforward with whatever comes through and if you're not comfortable with that, please don't read this post.

Pile 1

Your dream spouse ❤️‍🔥 ‧₊˚

TW ⚠️ : tr*uma bonding.

You want the bad boy/girl type husband/wife. Someone who is impulsive, daring and savage. You may want someone who is your perfect match, and very compatible with you. You desire to bond over trauma with someone. You know those couples who've seen each other's most vulnerable sides. You want a very romantic and caring connection which goes till soul level. You may also want someone who is famous or well known or even who has power and command in the society. You like big surprises. You want to take care of someone who has been emotionally broken down or sad. You want to comfort a sad person. You want a spouse who has old money. You know that trope when there is a powerful person in the society, who's famous and all that, but they have love missing in their lives. You want to be that love to your spouse. You want a deep and intimate spouse who's cold to others but warm snd loving to you only.

Your real spouse 💓 ‧₊˚

33 and 66 can be significant. Your real life spouse is someone very hardworking and honest. They may like to socialize or be with family and friends. This is a very cute and homely energy. Your fs can be someone well known in their field for what they do. They are a family person, someone who's purpose is their family. They believe in long term commitments. They don't joke around, they want serious commitment or else don't enter their life. They may like to meditate or they are calm and composed, they don't seem to lose their cool easily. They are energetic and quick to make changes. They can be an engineer or in business. They are funny and cool. Their personality is very easy going and smooth. They may have emotional outburts a lot of times, but they don't vent it out on you. They may sometimes unknowingly disturb people and then get sad snd walk away when someone tells them something. Despite all of this, they can be of a very giving nature. They donate and do charity work a lot. They sometimes may have limiting beliefs that stresses them out.

Pile 2

Your dream spouse ❤️‍🔥 ‧₊˚

You want your spouse to choose you over any other girl/guy. You wanna be their top priority over anything. You want a mysterious spouse who only opens up to you. You want someone closed off from the world. You want a romantic person who is just like a gentleman/woman. Very caring towards you. You want an happily ever after with your fs. You want to have a rich and happy married life afterwards. Your fs may have a other women's eyes too on them. And they would choose you. You want a rich and wealthy fs.

Your real spouse 💓 ‧₊˚

Your fs may have many expectations of others on their shoulders which constantly makes them fight for themselves. Alright, this person is unhappy with their family or something. They get really sad about this. They somehow gather courage to do what others want from them. But they don't like it. And this is taking a toll on their mental health and making them hate everyone and everything. This thing came through so i told you. Let's get some more cards about their personality.

They want a stable and committed partner with a long term vision. They can be a hardworking person. They are undergoing a transformation right now with the death card. They are pretty emotional and romantic. They have the ability to give lots of love to you.

Pile 3

Your dream spouse ❤️‍🔥 ‧₊˚

You want to meet your spouse by destiny or fate just like kdramas. You want someone romantic, caring and loving to you. You may want someone who is like a reward to you. You want someone emotional, you wanna share an emotional and deep connection with your fs. You want a lawyer by profession? You want someone dominating, loyal and family oriented. Someone who works on a high position and offers you stability. You dream of a happily ever after marriage life with your fs. You want someone to heal or fix your broken heart. You want someone who listens to you without telling anything. You want someone rational as well as emotional, a balance of everything. That's good, actually. You secretly desire a soulmate for yourself.

Your real spouse 💓 ‧₊˚

Your fs may have two sisters. Your real life fs is someone who has a lot of options and choices in love but still, somewhere their heart says that no, there is someone else meant for them, that can be you. They're waiting for you. They are someone with a strong will and determination. They always act fast and logically. Whatever They're doing right now, they are starting someone new and afresh, can be a new start in life or work related. Their feminine energy can be a bit imbalanced right now. There is something which stops them from being expressive of their emotional side. This may be due to some childhood issues by a female figure i see. They are facing this blovk right now. But they're working on it.

[mariii1]

♡YOUR NEXT HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP♡

(These piles are hella long, a lot came thru, this is open to everyone including ace/aro peeps 🤗 got this idea from FairySagMother on yt <3)

☆ Piles start from top left with pile 1 ☆

YALL messages came throughh, I made a good choice buying this new oracle deck. ALSO the theme card of this reading is the waterfall card because it was in FIVE of the six piles 😭. The oracke deck is Herbiary by Maia Toll if you wanna buy it 😜. I definitely won't be super active in the next 6 months tbh because I'm incredibly stressed out and a lot is happening especially with my physical health, just a heads up...ALSO THANK YOU FOR 777 FOLLOWERS 😘 FREE PALESTINE 🇵🇸

1. If you felt like people in the past were very selfish in relationships including your parents, this person is the opposite. They don't have you around just cause they want your attention, they genuinely care about your feelings and interests. You'll actually be able to connect with this person without feeling like things need to be transactional. If you feel you struggle with this concept especially if you have a low self esteem, working it out will bring this relationship in much faster. There's also no rush, no lovebombing and then ghosting, or trying to get you to commit quickly. This person seems very reassured within themselves and they expect you to not abruptly ghost/leave them without communicating why. I'm listening to Sociopathic Dance Queen and Feel Complete (by Pink Panthress); this person is the opposite of the antagonists in these songs. I hate being really woo woo but everything will happen as it should within this relationship. Your lives might be a mess but this relationship might be the only stable/secure thing when you get into it. I'm mostly getting romantic vibes but this could be platonic as well, although it will most likely start as a friendship and progress.

2. The cards were flying out so you either have a lot happening in your life rn and I'm getting for most of you, several healthy relationships will come in at the same time. If you're monogamous, you'll have several healthy options to choose from; if not, get ready to be to busy. You'll at least have a really good friend. I'm getting that with all of these people you are able to be vulnerable and specifically you're able to share interests especially if they're niche. Many or most of these relationships will last for a long time even if you do walk away from them at some point. If you're spiritual or religious your either going to meet someone who challenges your religious beliefs, particularly those that are restrictive or oppressive. They are not an atheist, they could actually be in the same religion as you but the are more self-assured and self-sufficient. If you're someone who often relies on the universe or a higher power to do things for you or to make them come your way, this person is going to force you out of that mindset. I'm specifically getting this will happen because you don't want to lose them and you'll see this mindset isn't actually working for you. They let you know it's ok to chase sometimes, especially when it comes to your own personal goals. This is specifically coming from that longterm friend I was getting at the beginning. I'm not really getting romance still, so love might be on the backburner for awhile.

3. I'm strongly getting this is a healthy s€xua1 relationship. It's not even a situationship tbh; you could be learning from a dominatrix or shibari master or maybe you pay to have that experience one day. I'm getting this might sound outlandish for some of you but a few of you are from pile 2 and this might come randomly or you might decide to do it on a whim. This person is very attractive and they take their job or interest seriously. They genuinely want you to feel comfortable and enjoy yourself. Especially if you are a s£x worker, this is someone you go out of your way to see orrr it's a new romantic partner. The emphasis may still be on s€x especially if you do OF, they'll probably help out, but they actually still have a personality and you can get along with them. I'm specifically getting a femme woman, or someone just who's afab but not super masculine. They are very sweet and attentive during play and have good aftercare. If this person does something you don't like, they'll listen to you without complaint. Even if this is a man, they are genuinely experienced and not weirdly misogynistic or abusive in any way. Boundaries are realllyy important to this person. They're just really good at creating a safe space.

4. Money, Money, Money by ABBA came up; this person will most definitely take care of you financially even if they are just a friend. I'm actually getting for some you, your get to get someone from a species that almost extinct: a man who treats you and is perfectly fine with just being friends NO S£X OR NUN in return🤯 this might make you attracted romantically to this person but I'm getting they could actually be married (they could be gay or queer in some way too) or they're just not interested in your romantically/sexually and just want to be besties. If you have anyyy health issues including paying medical bills they will help you out without a second thought. Some of you might unfortunately be in a situation where you get very hurt, like a car accident or sum, and this person is the first to visit you. They view as someone self-sufficient and extremely independent so they never get scared that you'll start to rely on them or leech off of them. Both of your goals and morals align especially if you have alternative politics (not conservative but extreme left, marxism, socialism, anarchism, etc.) and you'll be able to talk and debate without feeling like your friendship will fall apart. If this is someone that is romantically attracted to your gender, I really don't think they'll entertain the idea of dating you and even dating in general until much later in your friendship.

5. Right off the bat your most probably going tobget married if not, you'll be roommates for a very long time. This could honestly be a QPP for few of you, the rest I'll think you'll have a family with this person if you're interested. Even if you know for sure you don't want to get married, you will treat this person as if they are your spouse. You might've felt drained at the idea of a family or maybe yours and other ppl's was very chaotic to be in, but you'll genuinely feel like you can do it with this person without it being a risk for getting retraumatized. You might travel a lot with this person or live in a very nature filled area. I'm not getting much so I guess you don't really need to know more and I'm really getting this will be a surprise anyway, even at each stage of the relationship, you never expected to feel so emotionally secure with someone else constantly on your mind.

6. You might be connected to pile 4 or drawn to it. This is someone very new, as in you've never met anyone like them before. They either have a very unique appearance they put effort in or they really surpsie you with how deep they're personality and thoughts are. I'm getting for a lot of you, you might think this person is probably just annoying middle-aged person (😭) specifically man but then your talk and you're like woahh I was not expecting that. Their voice might not fit they're appearance either; they could have an extremely deep voice but be average height in whichever country they're from or their voices are quite animated even though their appearance might make them look gloomly or uninteresting (damn you guys are flaming this person during your first impression of them 😭😭) They point out a lot of things you don't notice or just know random facts that are helpful. They could even be a polyglot and travel a lot. However, this person is very stable in they're life, they feel ok at they're job or have a very specific idea of what they want to do with their career. If you end up working together, they are much more helpful than you anticipated. I'm getting for a lot you they aren't nice or super polite but they are very kind and generous. Like they don't smile much but ask them a question and you'll get a succinct answer. (Ughh this is my type 😩) They're very real and I love people like this cause they are genuine in wanting to help you and you don't have to constantly decipher they're words especially in a corporate context. There will definitely be an age gap and possible height gap. They could be almost 10 yrs older than you but you somehow have a lot in common although they are definitely not immature. I don't think they dated a lot or they had one really long relationship that they got out of when they met you.

[kookslastbutton]

Those Eyes Chico ༓ myg (m) | Teaser

✒ Summary: As the new marketing director for Min Yoongi’s upcoming D-Day album & tour, you’re expected to bring your expertise to the table. This shouldn’t be a problem—you’re the best in the business and you’re used to drawing a strict line between your professional and personal life. But what happens when the lines you’ve fought to keep as separate blur for the first time?

pairing: idol!yoongi x plus size!poc!reader

genre/AU: angst, fluff, smut, slow-burn, coworkers2friends2lovers, winter setting, forbidden love?

word count: tbd, 835 for this teaser

warnings: oc is 28, Yoon is 30, oc is not originally from South Korea, oc has light brown eyes, swearing, mentions of alcohol consumption, mentions of anxiety, panic attacks, body insecurities, fear of being blacklisted, emotionally restrained Yoon, mentions of smoking, unstable parental relationships, conservative parents, mentions of therapy, mentions of dating scandal, eventual sexual content, and more specific warnings per chapter.

now playing: Sweet Dreams by The Last Shadow Puppets

a/n: Okay this has taken over six months to release but it's finally beginning and I am super excited to share! 🫣 I am low-key terrible at choosing a proper teaser so hoepfull this works haha. ANYWAY, this series is dedicated to my wonderfully crazy friend and beta, Gloom @theuselessdaydreamingidiot, and to all our fellow Yoon lovers bc we miss our sweet man SO MUCH 🥺 Enjoy! 🥰 Also huge thank you to @itaeewon for designing this beautiful series header! Love it!!

Series Masterlist

“Did you get the files I sent to you?”

The woman nods her head in affirmation while sweeping a few pieces of her long, silky hair behind an ear. To strangers, she appears to look about 24 which is only four years younger than yourself but nonetheless she’s the same age as you. Hei-Ran is her name, meaning “graceful orchid” according to Korean translation.

Hei-ran is one of Hybe’s newest hires and based on her experience, a near perfect fit to being South Korean boy group Tomorrow X Together’s new marketing manager. Until about three months ago, this had been your job.

You never imagined giving up the position after three years of working in the role. But with December right around the corner Hybe had other plans for you.

"Graduated summa cum laude with a bachelors degree in BTech in Electrical and Electronics Engineering and a MBA in Marketing from NYU Stern. You worked two years as a brand manager for U.S record label Atlantic Records immediately after graduating, and are now working at BigHit Music as a marketing manager for TXT including liaison with their global marketing team.”

You recall PD Bang’s voice vibrate in the back of your mind from mid-August. You thought you were called into his office to discuss details of TXT’s latest promo, so having your resume read back to you was a sweeping curve ball. Your determination must have far exceeded the heaviness you felt in your chest because before you knew it you, you were shaking hands with your boss in acceptance of your role – the new marketing director for Min Yoongi’s upcoming D-Day album & tour.

The tedious knot that’s formed in the nape of your neck reminds you that as surreal as the situation might be, it’s undeniably real.

Months spent drafting a comprehensive marketing proposal for D-Day; often until the wee hours of the night, inevitably takes its toll on even the mightiest of warriors. An entire new team of fifty people, all of who you’ll be in charge of orchestrating for the next eight months, doesn’t provide much to relief either.

You’re excited nevertheless. Working with one of the most respected artists in the music industry is an opportunity you couldn’t let slip by, especially since the album’s rock-inspired genre aligns closely with your own music taste.

“Thank you so much for helping me get settled __,” Hei-ran’s gentle voice returns you to the present. “I appreciate the time you’ve taken these last few months to train me despite the tight deadlines you have.”

Smiling, you shake your head. “It’s no problem at all and if there’s anything you need in the future, feel free to give me a call or stop by my office.”

“On the 16th floor right?”

“1656A. Take a left off the elevator and walk to the end of the first hallway. The door on the right is mine.”

Referring to any room on the 16th floor as your own is something you don’t take lightly. For one the offices are double the size of any other office spaces in the building. Yours in particular has a giant skyscraper window draped with heavy white curtains. Secondly, the floor above is the 17th floor which is exclusive to Hybe artists only.

"How's the proposal coming along, by the way?" Her curiosity is palpable, genuine in its nature. You’ve always appreciated that in an individual.

“It’s done,” you respond. “Only thing left to do is to prepare for our meeting with C-suite executives next Monday. It’s nearly perfect as is, but the presentation could use a bit of refining in terms of organization.”

Hei-ran is silent for a moment longer than usual before her next inquiry, which is undoubtedly the question on both of your minds. “I can't help but wonder what it'll be like to meet him for the first time,” she muses.

You don’t bother asking for clarification on who the “him” is; you’re already well aware that it’s Min Yoongi. The same subject has managed to intrude your own thoughts more and more as the date of meeting him draws closer. It's peculiar honestly, considering you’ve encountered him before. Granted, it was only a small handful of times the hallway, both heading in opposite directions. Min Yoongi typically greeted you with a hoarse 'Good Morning' those instances, along with a curt nod of his head. You would nod back with a brief 'Morning' yourself. Deep down you feel he'd make a quality friend, though it's only a premonition. It’s not like you actually know much about him beyond those small exchanges.

"I'm not sure what to expect, honestly," you admit. "I imagine it'll be similar to previous professional collaborations—composed, focused, and intense. D-Day is poised to become a global sensation for the next year, so it's going to need our full, undivided attention."

Hei-ran gives a knowing nod. “Good luck __,” she wishes you well as you head towards the elevator doors. Breaks over, back to work.

a/n: Chapter one will be released soon 🙃 Thanks for reading the teaser!

Masterlist | Requests: closed | Taglist | Fic Recs

no reposting, copying, or translating my work– © kookslastbutton

[skrrts]

Home Is ✧ hongjoong version (oneshot)

✧ gn!reader x kim hongjoong ✧ genre: non-idol, slice of life, fluff, romance ✧ word count: 1,1k

You have found the love of your life, and now the two of you are ready for the next step in your relationship: moving together. Neither of you can wait to finally be able to spend every day together but it's out of the question ... the whole progress looks a lot more casual and aesthetical on social media than it actually is. Chaos. In the middle of the chaos that is moving in, Hongjoong wants you to enjoy this. Moving shouldn't only be an exhausting memory but something you enjoy. He makes you take a break & you make something for your new home together.

a/n: this wraps up my friday mini series for September. thanks a lot to everyone who has been reading along. i figured concluding it with hongjoong is a fun idea, he's definitely enjoying the progress and it takes all longer but is more fun.

The entire apartment was a mess. Unopened and half-emptied boxes were everywhere, items scattered over the floor, or just placed on top of stored furniture in between made-up couches and a mattress that served as a bed. When Hongjoong and you decided to move together, everything seemed perfect until it wasn't. The promised renovation took longer than scheduled and instead of having time to paint walls and slowly set up furniture, two apartments needed to be emptied for the new tenants within just a few days. Now bedroom and living room were shoved into the atelier so that you could slowly work on painting the walls.

Your mood had taken a toll and you admired your boyfriend, who still looked prettily cute and content while you had no idea where to start or finish for the day. You were thankful for his encouragement for you to go and pick up your dinner for the night, walks always calmed your mind. By the time you came back, you were already feeling better.

You were met by the familiar smell of fresh paintings. Honestly, back in high school you never expected to fall in love with a painter but here you were, in your first shared apartment that also included an atelier.

Hongjoong had moved a few of the boxes together, a plastic tablecloth on top with a large variety of colors prepared from bright to neon and pastels. There were cups of water, pencils and a small pile of canvases.

"This doesn't look like dinner," you teased, his smile growing instantly as he got up to kiss you. "I thought, since we ordered salad anyway, it could wait.- It was a stressful weekend and you deserve some relaxation and fun." Says the one having the time of his life painting the walls in the most stunning gradients by hand.

"Is that so?" you smiled, placing the food aside so he could tug you into a hug, foreheads resting together: "I also really wanted to do something special so we always would remember this first time together."

Hongjoong always was like this, excited and optimistic, trying to make the most out of anything and always looking out to cheer you up. One of the many qualities why you fell for him.

"That sounds perfect," you whispered, a final kiss was placed before he led you over and you sat down on one side of the table. "Now then, what should we paint?"

He was smiling his cute smile, the one that showed he was really excited about doing this with you, making a special memory together. "Anything! Well, I want to put it in the small spot in the living room. You know, the one where you noted we still haven't picked anything. And no, you aren't allowed to worry, just have fun. Pick any color you want! Those are my leftovers and I really need to finish them so we also do something good."

Hongjoong was very dedicated to his art, the joy of painting but also not to waste anything. He was very content to use every last drop of paint before buying a new one.

"Alright, let's do this," you chuckled. It felt a little surreal how you were sitting in such a mess but you tried to focus. The image that came to mind first was how your living room would look like when all was set up. There was a tiny balcony and you got a new couch, some messy curtains with a pattern Hongjoong chose, and bold pillows.

It was nice to imagine what the result would be, like recharging the stress of the past few days. Once you decided what to go for, the rest was easy. You were the type to get lost in whatever you were doing. Making a few rough sketches then trying colors on spare paper.

For a while, it seemed Hongjoong was doing the same but by the time you were half way done, the soft click of his camera made you look up, blushing.

"Hey!"

he chuckled sweetly, looking innocent as he rushed to place the phone back down on the table. "Couldn't resist, you are just so cute when you are all lost in progressing."

He was right but you were still pouting: "Sush! You should rather finish your painting." Hongjoong smirked, showing you his already completed free-style art, it was beautiful but you got shy because it was a version of you, here and now.

"Cheating," you mumbled, your cheeks just more red as you cleared your throat. "How about you help me then?" Hongjoong smiled brightly, it was one of the happiest looks you had seen him with and he stood up, sitting behind you, partly pulling you onto his lap.

"I can't wait, our home. Our own little happy place," he whispered, pressing a kiss on your cheek before taking a spare pencil and helping you finish your painting. By the time you finished, you couldn't deny how relaxed you felt.

Hongjoong's arms curled around your waist as you relaxed back against him, your eyes closed when he just held you like that. "This is nice," you admitted. I feel, living with you really won't ever be boring."

Your boyfriend chuckled: "Well, it surely will be a little chaotic but I am your favorite chaos after all."

So silly!

Hongjoong bit his lip, he looked at you and when your gazes met, there was no denying there were many more thoughts but those were kept for another day.

"Dating, moving together... don't care where exactly the journey will take us but meeting you, it has been my best adventure... And always will be my favorite."

You poked his cheek but smiled: "And now you are all sappy. Feel my heartbeat? Always all wild for you."

The man grinned as he finally slowly stood up, your eyes wandered over the mess that was just in every part of your new home. "Quite a bit of work to do," he sighed, pushing brown hair back: "But for today, I think we did enough. Let me put our artwork aside and clean up, then we can eat."

You gave him a quick nod, wiggling your hands covered in dried paint. "I will clean those."

Hongjoong nodded and started to carefully put the painting tool in a bowl to clean it, as you stopped in the door, you looked at him, adoring, loving.

You really were lucky, chaos or not. This home was your dream come true, always wishing to move together with whoever the love of your life would be and you did quite a good pull with this one, right?

"Joong, you know... after we ate, maybe we should properly test out our big new bathtub," you grinned. His cheeks flushed when he looked up, mumbling something.

This time you laughed: "Leave it to me, I will prepare it."

Hongjoong rolled his eyes as the two of you smiled at one another. Now, you were both home.

[lains-reality]

some ideas if you want to test how far you can go

obviously you are limitless, but you need to see how far you can go yourself, lester had the motto of 'i only know that which i can do' and asked 'what can i do?' since why not go all the way? not out of obligation or fear, but to see how much you can maximise your peace and joy! do it for the truth!

almost all of these require mindfulness as you need to be able to catch yourself in the moment of the mind's chatter - that you can get through being in the present moment (read eckhart tolle's practicing the power of now). infact your whole life will be based on the present moment, and not being in it makes it infinitely harder so please read the book.

whoever i expected something from: give to myself 

before you do this: go here! (getting to a state of neutrality first might make this easier)

this one is to think back on a person that you don't like, now think abt whether you expected something from them. did you want them to act a certain way? now, whatever peace, love, security that you think they were meant to give you, feel that yourself

and even if it was someone that is meant to give you those things, you will need to release your hatred of them and give them up. you don't need to forgive them right now, but you will soon when you won't care much of their impact on your life and when you see that everybody is acting off insane levels of fear. i released my hatred of someone who is literally meant to take care of me and now i don't care abt them, i used to hate having any contact with them but now i can talk to them and not have my mind run 50 miles an hour. also! they called me to say that they're working on themself & will repair what they did

just keep doing that and going back to other people until you feel no more obligation to care abt what they did! this is (one way to) how you become free of attachment to people, and less anger

astral projection

pretty self explanatory, just try ap, it'll make you see you're not your body

for this i'd definitely see how far i could travel and for how long

‘No matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself.  I will create no more problems.’

this one is to affirm this at the start of your day and surrender all trouble and control, just this one day (or longer) you'll let yourself have no problems

throughout the day you can remind yourself, when you are getting wound up, that today you've given up troubles and problems

this requires mindfulness - that you can get through being in the present moment (read eckhart tolle's practicing the power of now)

‘Am i willing to live (in a world) with no problems?’

this is just a question to be used for self-inquiry, meditation, an affirmation, whatever

‘What would i do if there were no others?’

same as the last question

no input

no music, no books, no overconsumption, no anything

just like a dopamine detox?

this one might be hard too (and maybe a bit useless, but try it?)

‘From here on, i have everything i need as i need it’

this one is to affirm this at the start of your day and surrender all trouble and control, just this one day (or longer) you'll let yourself have everything you need

throughout the day you can remind yourself, when you are getting wound up, that today you've given up worrying, anticpation of the worst and projecting into the future

this requires mindfulness - that you can get through being in the present moment (read eckhart tolle's practicing the power of now)

remove time - stop living through memory and anticipation

"Time and mind are inseparable. Remove time from the mind and it stops - unless you choose to use it. To be identified with your mind is to be trapped in time: the compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation." - eckhart tolle, practising the power of now, pg. 31

self explanatory again, just remove time lol

idk you gonna have to figure this one out yourself

good challenge tbh

deleting or revising something everybody knows

not just some memory only you and 2 people remember, something like changing the name of earth itself

or historical events, or the order a song came out from your favourite artist

go crazy! keep in mind that there's no big or small, its all the same concept in awareness, even if i do imply it

just thinking abt when you go to search the thing you revised in google and it doesn't come up lol

live as if theres no past

this one is something that you should definitely try

i think this becomes the norm when you are present in the now (which is why its so important!)

the point is when you go bed, wipe out your past, through whatever way you like. then in the morning make a declaration that the past is no longer relevent! no longer will you go back to it as a source of identity, breaking the habit of it!

inspired by this quote by osho

i think this one will yield interesting results

in the end, the goal is not especially to get results, but to release fear and limitations. you also get to practise being in the present moment!

[kusakiguzen]

Bts x Reader (8th member)

A/N: Okay hear my tf out. I abolish one of my rules of not writing about human people, I hate being hypocrete hence i'm getting rid of this rule, in which i say i don't write about people (still a lil uncomfy but this fic has been on my mind and it is hindering my writing of other fics). Just sit back and enjoy this bullshit since i haven't read anything like this. One of the scenes were inspired by song like "My R" English version. And other songs too.

Warnings: Self harm, Suicidal thoughts, copying,etc idk. I do not condone the behavior done by the reader in this fic. There are events that did happen in real life. If you feel like the doing the shit that the reader did, please contact help as its not healthy. This is mostly fiction and a fragment of my imagination.

You were a normal person, going through a tough time. Depression and stress taking its toll, You took up selfharm, scars littering all over your arms and stomach. Pressure from parents about their expectation getting heavier and heavier.

But then you heard them.... Their song for the first time. BTS or 방탄소년단; RR: Bangtan Sonyeondan. Their heavenly voice, their goofiness was your comfort in those dark times, you even stopped cutting your self because Namjoon (RM) said he'd shave the eyebrows of people who don't take care of themselves ( and if you don't study, Listen to him people), Laugh with them and be goofy while watching Run BTS, Eat with Jin while watching EatJin. They saved you, helped you, behind the screen, even without meeting them in person. They were you saviors. You even learnt Korean, so you can understand and learn their songs, all 230 of them.

You hated when people judged them for smallest of things, unnessecary hate they got, stupid rumors.... Everything like that. You wished you could protect them like they did to you. But you couldn't.... Its fine All of you and Army together can. So it was fine. They were your escape, Escape form reality and this world.

But you can't escape reality forever. It always catches up, it haunts you. And soon even they couldn't save you from you attempting to take your life. But I guess they did save you by going live when you planed to end yourself. But good things never last. On a particular day, it was too exhausting, you felt numb, lifeless, like a shell with no purpose. While on the end of the side walk, waiting for the light to turn red ( for the cars?) You were picking a song to listen to, you started walking, didn't see the truck coming.

You saw two headlights coming closer by the seconds, your fingers clicked on a song, just before the impact, You heard the lyrics of "I NEED U" and the only thought in your mind was

"Ah shit, I'm gonna die without even going to their concert..... haaaahhh"

And you saw black, and were welcomed by nothingness.

You were in there for what felt like hours, before being welcomed with bright light and the smell of sanitizer and disinfectents. Hissing, you opened your eyes and saw the white ceiling of the hospital, and two people on each sides who noticed your conciousness.

They were calling your name, asking if you were okay, the only problem was

They were speaking Korean

Words came out of your mouth instinctively. Matching the language of the two strangers,

"Who are you?"

Yo were terrified, did you get kidnaped while being unconscious? or is you brain playing tricks since the last thing you heard was Korean?

You saw doctors panic and checking every thing, But before you could say anything your head started spining and you lost consciousness again, The last thing you hear was the sound of doctors and the two strangers telling you to stay with them.

Welcomed by darkness again, but soon something started playing in front of you like a movie. You realised that it was a child's life story. A child who was lonely, isolated and extremely shy. You say the child be bullied, picked on, the two people who were with you in the hospital room dismissing the child. It stopped after you saw her get hit by a truck.

Then it stopped. And you saw the girl crying in what looked like a puddle. You went up to her and you guys talked, laughed and all in all had a fun time.

Then she said something and you again woke up in the hospital.

Please take care of my body and live like you want to in this life, for the both of us...... Don't try to avenge me, Okay Unnie*?

You woke up in the same hospital bed surrounded by the same people. But that girls words just kept spining in your head. What did she mean?

You sat up and saw your hands and dread washed over you, These were hands of a child, specifically the little girl you met the darkness.

You shouted asking for a mirror which the women beside you gve it to you....... No Fucking way, you became a child? The same child you met? Then it clicked, the words of the girl. OH MY GOD! you thought reincarnation only happed in Manhwas or Anime. So Wtf is this? did you get reincarnated in a Manhwa? Anime?

You were utterly shocked, absolutely baffeled. But composed yourself immediately, and asked for the date. It was February 15th 2007. Then you asked your age and were told you were 14, go to Gwaneum Middle School. Why did that name sound so familiar to you?

You were soon discharged and taken back home in Daegu Town, Again it sounded so familiar to you but you brushed it off as it being the body's memory.

After a month your school started and you met him.......... Min Yoongi..

WTF? Huhh? how? wat?? Okay you are probably dreaming, yup this dream.

You walked up to him and introduced yourself to him, but he just looked at you nodded and left, leaving you behind before you could say anything.

'Okay that was awkward' you thought

After that day, you started to befriend him, atleast try to, but he was extremly shy and isolated. But you still stayed, sometimes buying him food to show your sencierity and help him out knowing he didn't have much .

You also wrote all the BTS songs in a diary with a lock. wrote some other songs that were your favorite in another diary, since now you know why you were here. To help and protect them like you wanted and promised. That's right you were going to work a million times harder. Yes For them.

You weren't making progress in breaking down the walls around Yoongi's had built around his heart all of these years, but you weren't going to give up. So you kept trying, and trying. Doing things like joining him for lunch, buying him food and telling him you brought too much and he can have the extra, taking the bus with him and paying for him. Helping him without hurting him.

You finally broke down the walls he created after one incident. Yoongi being shy and unconfrontational stayed out of trouble, So if he'd get bullied he would take it.

One day Yoongi was late for lunch so you went to look for him, found him in the back of school wet with milk, and the carton lying near him, being bullied. He was clutching another one refusing to let go of it. The boy was hitting and slapping Yoongi's head and laughing at him while other boys record.

You saw red, Fucking bitch try to touch your Yoongi? Your SUGA? The kind hearted boy? You started voice recording and approaching them. With a sickly sweet voice you told them to leave Yoongi alone and asked him to come behind you. The boys whose name you didn't even try to get to know started insulting you and calling you names. Going as far as grabbing your shirt and ripping off some buttons. You screamed on purpose and started to "cry" and then the boys stopped recording, Bingo. You sneakily stopped recording yourself and then got up and said

"You Got 5 seconds to apologize."

5....

4...

they started laughing and mocking you

3..

Yoongi telling you to get away from there

2......

the boys again try to touch your chest but....

1.....

Lets just say they will never think of even looking in your direction after that.

You were called to the principal's office for that, and Yoongi wanted to accompany you to testify but you told him its fine and left alone. He never felt so powerless in his whole life. If you didn't know how to fight, who knows what would have happened.

You stood in front of the principal's office and pretended to cry. You guess all the extra curriculars your paents made you take did come in handy. You entered with puffy bloodshot eyes, red nose and cheek. Right of the bat the parents of the boys started accusing you and calling you a bitch and other derogatory names. You calmly told them that what you did was self defence. Again it went right over the parents head and now they were calling you a liar. Okay they refuse to settle this normally, you pulled out the recording from you phone, and placed it in front of them, playing it. They obviously were taken aback but composed themselves, It was the the principal's turn. He started to berate you, and took the recording and broke it.

Okay, so they chose the hard way, hhhaaaaaahhh you hoped they wouldn't be like this but it has to be done.

You fake pouted, looking at them. Looking back at the broken record and just started laughing.... Hard like a mad man. Then said...

"I guess it was real, what they show in all the k-drama. So I have to take revenge like how they do in them... Pity i was hoping to settle this peacefully."

Then you played something else.... The video of them bullying Yoongi.

How do you think your company will fare when they find out about this and the things you said right now? Hmm?

Taking out the recorder that you had kept ON for proof.

You smiled as you saw all their face turn pale. They started begging you, apologizing, While on their knees. Ahhhhh this feels good. You got up and tried to leave, when they asked if you'd forgive them. You looked back and smiled saying...

"Apologize to Yoongi like that and maybe I'll consider it, ne~~"

They did, They apologized to him on their knees making Him extreemly surprised. This is when Yoongi and you became close. After school that day, he grabbed your sleeve gently while you guys were walking to the bus station, you turned around and he was holding the same banana milk carton. He looked at you and then offered you the milk, catching you by surprise. He then said how you mentioned you liked banana milk but kept forgetting to buy it, so he bought one for you. You gently took it from his hand and started drinking it, you said it was the best thing you had tasted/drunk in a while, while a blush coated your face.

Your relationship changed and you both became inseparable, he became more expressive and talkative with you too. This lasted till Yoongi got a girlfriend. She was a sweet girl from your class whom you both befriended, when they announced that they were dating, everything changed. You often found yourself alone while they went on awkward dates, and the girl did tell you to keep a boundary now that he was in a relationship. You understood where she was coming from but you wanted to maintain the friendship.

This caused an argument, and you backed off. You distanced yourself from them to the point you stopped talking to either of them. And during that time you were selected for a compitation to represent Daegu Town. You went to Seoul to compete in it, and thats where you met another member, Kim Namjoon aka Rap Monster, representing Ilsan. The compatition was tough and you lost by 1 point. You and Namjoon did become friends after that and kept in contact. Till the few months Yoongi was dating, you got close to Namjoon. But after a few months Yoongi's girlfriend broke up. And boom a heartbroken and rain soaked Yoongi was standing in front if your door looking absolutely heartbroken.

Without hesitation you let him in, shoved him in the shower while cleaning up the water all over the place, reheating some food for him, You had made rice and Kimchi-guk (kimchi soup) since it was raining. Yoongi came out soon as you plated the food, a towel on his neck, still with the blank face which he made when he tried to hide his emotions. You sat him own on the floor, giving him the food and taking the towel to dry his hair. He was eating quitely but then suddenly spoke up...

"She broke up with me....."

"Huh?"

"My girlfriend.... she broke up with me...."

You knew this would happen but it still hurt to see him like this, you had realised that he didn't want you to press further or feel guilty for his sake. So you just hummed and then got up to get another towel because the one you were using got too wet and wasn't absorbing the water. Just as you were about to get up, his hand grabbed yous and a soft whisper of "stay" came out of his mouth. You wanted to tell him you'll be back but as soon as you turned around you saw Yoongi barely able to hold back his tears.

The towel was long forgotten and you immediately wrapped your hands around him bringing him into a hug, sat in silence while his tears soaked your shirt and you alternating between rubbing his back and playing with his hair. After he calmed down, you showed him to you spare room and made him sleep there since he is not n the right mind to drive or even walk.

After you made sure Yoongi was asleep, you slowly crept out of the room and went into you room. Because today, you and Namjoon were going to talk on the phone. You apologised for being late and explained that your friend had an emergency, he was understanding and you guys talked for hours about music and switching to studied whenever his parents or sister entered the room. You guys had planed to meet in 2 days but you had to postpone because of Yoongi. He said he didn't mind and you scedueled it for the next weekend.

The friendship between you and Yoongi grew even more, which you didn't even know was possible. He never put you second, and tried to redeem himself for the time he lost. On the other hand you visited Namjoon every other weekend and your bond grew stronger with him as well.

Few years passed and nothing really changed much, You life remained the same. Until for your high school trip you all were going to Gwangju Metropolitan City, where you bumped into Jung Hoseok. The world is a really small place. You both apologized and went your own ways, but fate had different plans for you. You separated from you group and strayed away to an unfamiliar area, and your phone was dead, suddenly 2 creeps started questioning you and trying to get you to come with them. That's when you saw Hoseok, and feeling scared you just loudly screamed "There you are!!! I was waiting for you" jogging up to him, he was sharp enough to understand the situation. He grabbed your hand and "reprameneded" you about staying from the group. He started leading you away as your hands trembled, as soon as they were out of sight, you knees gave out, if not for him you would have fallen hard. He was extremly worried. After few minutes you regained your composure and stood up with his help, You both walked to the nearest park where he sat you down, ram to a vending machine and got you a drink.

He gave you his phone so you could call for help but you were still a little shaken up. Absentmindedly you dialed Yoongi's number and gave it to Hoseok so he could talk since she was shaken up.

On the other hand You felt pathetic, at 14 you defended Yoongi from some rich and entitled people and now your trembling because of some random stranger? The reason was because this is an unfamiliar teritory, you don't know anything about this place. You really didn't want think about what could have happened if Hoseok didn't show up.

After Hoseok was done talking to Yoongi about the situation, turned his attention towards you, Yoongi had told him that he called your teacher and asked if Hoseok could keep you company while the teacher arrived, He already planed to do that so he agreed. You teacher came, obviously very worried and took you back not before thanking Hoseok. You handed him a note that had your number telling him how it would be nice to become friends with him.

During that week of your stay there, you met up with Him almost every day. You and him became pretty close and even after you left, you both kept in contact.

A year later, Yoongi told you about how he was going to audition to become a producer, which you encouraged and also told him how you'd accompany him. So in 2010, at the ripe age of 17, he joined the Big Hit Entertainment. You also got accepted, which left you confused but you weren't complaining. You were introduced to Namjoon by Yoongi, expecting you to not know him, but was very surprised to see you give him a hug and tell him how you missed him. You also met Hoseok again, and told Yoongi about him and how you met in the high school trip, and how they both talked. This eased the tension between the members, having a common topic to talk about, YOU.

A year later, you met the younger members during their training, an extremly shy Jeon Jeong-guk, The cute Kim Taehyung. But due to the age difference you couldn't get close to them, which made you sad, but it was understandable. You also met WWH, Kim Seokjin, you didn't get along immediately but still got along fine.

Another year later you met Park Jimin. He got along with Taehyung, as expected. And soon enough another year passed and BTS was formed, with an addition, YOU, L/N Y/N. Which the Hyung line (except Jin) was happy about since they already knew you, you were their back bone, Helping in every way possible, from cooking for them to helping them practice, no matter how tired you were. You always made sure they ate and healthy.

Their first song, "No More Dream" was released. Not getting much attention, which you expected but the others were much more disappointed. But you were there this time, helping them through it all.

And you made a solo album but the twist you copied songs like Labour by Paris Paloma, Alone by Nico Collins, Favorite by Issabel Larosa, and many more. You made sure they will still get the attention in the future.

For years, they worked hard but to nothing satisfying enough to make too much profit. It caused rifts between the member and the mental and physical exhaustion taking a toll on them. You yourself were barely holding it together, with the constant arguments, them neglecting their health. You were practically holding all of them together. But you were only human, during one argument between the members, you snapped, so fucking hard that it scared all of them. Tears rolling down your face, while you voice getting Hoarse from the shouting, after you were done, you felt nothing. And words came out with nothing but a whisper...

"I can't do this anymore...."

And with that you left the apartment, with nothing. When the members recovered from the shock, you were long gone. Yoongi being your childhood friend, ran out the door trying to search for you. It was late at night hence not safe for you to be outside, especially alone. He was soon followed by the others, Shouting your name, running around the neighbourhood, Tears clouding the younger member's eyes, fearing your safety, and about your words before you left. Your words playing in everyone's mind, haunting them.

After an hour of searching with nobody being able to find you, they returned home, hoping, begging for you to come back.

On the other hand, you felt like shit, the last thing they needed was you snapping and walking out on them. You took a walk for a while (like 2-3 Hours) without realizing the time, collecting your thoughts.

Back with the BTS members, they were coming to realization, you cooked for them 3 meals every day. You were up before them and slept after making sure all of them ate and were comfortable. You made sure they get a healthy and nutritious meal 3 times a day, atleast 5-6 hours of sleep, and also made sure to clean the apartment. Fuck, for years you did so much. You held them together. But who held you together? You had their backs but who had yours? You let them unwind in your arms but where did you take out your emotions? You helped them but who helped you? Not them... not anyone... Because you never showed it, Never once... They were too busy dealing with their own emotions to notice yours....

Man they felt like shit. No wonder you left. Who could blame you? They would leave too if they were you, long before this, you held on for soo long.... You were so strong, so amazing. God they couldn't describe what they were feeling in that moment. And their tears started to fall, without them realizing it.

You obviously came back to apologize for your out burst, but met with tear filled eyes of your other members. They were apologizing, with broken voice and sobs. You were surprised and also started to apologize, hugging them, and they compalined how you were still worried about them, to which you laughed and told them its second nature to you at this point.

After that day, they started to help out more around they house, with another rule, you will sleep with one of the members (not like that you unholy little shits), cuddle so they could make sure you get enough sleep too. They soon realized how different you acted when you were calmer. Your bond grew as a team and also this also stopped them from disbanding. They also became very over protective of you. Any signs of discomfort and they were beside you. Which you were grateful for.

But nothing goes as fucking planed, like fate loves to fuck with you, Since you all shared a place means no privacy, just your luck. You had brought your diary with you, the same diary you wrote all their songs in. It was locked obviously but one unfortunate day, it was found, by none other than your Leader. You didn't have to worry about it before since you always cleaned, but things changed and the others started to help out around the house. And everyone got curious when Namjoon brought it out, there were 2 of them, one obviously filled with what looked some pages added. There was one more thing, an old carton of banana milk, Yoongi recognized it immediately and got extremely flustered. Yoongi was unfortunately able to figure out the code, how? It was his birthday 090393, As soon as he started to read it, he felt sick, and vas about to vomit, dread washing over him, it was so sick. What do you mean when you wrote that you had died and woken up in someone else's body? What the actual fuck was this. Yoongi dropped the diary and ran towards the bathroom and vomited all the contents of the lunch. One by one all of them read it, not the whole way just the few pages. But all of them realized something and they needed answers. So they waited for you to come home.

You came home ready to tell everyone to freshen up while you cooked. But the moment you entered, you saw all seven of them sitting on the couch and their lied your diary. You dropped everything you were carrying as their gaze turned towards you, trembling with a face that show how horrified you were, instinctively your hand came to cover your mouth, griping it tightly. They were just looking at you until Jungkook spoke up.

"Noona... please tell me the things in this diary is a joke" looking at you, pleading for you to agree with him, hands trembling. Jin was next to speak up

"Y/N..... answer him... Is it true?" His voice betrayed the face he was making.

"FOR FUCKS SAKE ANSWER HIM!!" Yoongi shouted at you making you and the others flinch since Yoongi never raises his voice. That moment, all eyes were on you, waiting for an answer.

Your voice was soft, they wouldn't have caught it if the room wasn't so silent.

"Yes.... Everything in it is true.... I did die and woke up in this body... I- I wanted to tell you guys but...." Your voice was trembling, you were terrified of the changes that will come in your relationship. Shocked and horrified, they just left you there in the living room, to comprehend what you just said. It hit Yoongi the hardest since he knew you for the longest.

Everything changed after that day, they started to avoid you like a plague. No matter how hard you tried, hell they wouldn't even eat the food you made.

You were getting more and more numb as the days passed, this was torture for you. You had made your life's purpose to help them, stay with them... Live for them, but they don't want you there, No reason to live... Right? You reached you breaking point when they excluded you from the song you all were working on. That day you returned home, lay on the bed till it was almost time, thinking about what could have been while waiting for the others to return. Just before the time of their return, you grabbed your phone and left the house. Tonight you were going to end your suffering along with the burden you've been carrying with you.

You didn't know they returned early. Jimin saw you leaving, and his gut had this feeling he couldn't describe it, it could be called dread but it was much worse. So he inform the other members and they understood, and then all of them started to follow you, secrately.

You were out of it while walking to a certain building. You've been watching it, observing the time people left it and when you could access it, without disturbance. You reached the building, it had about 12 story high, so death won't be instant but you could take a few minutes of pain. You took the stairs, slowly making your way up. When you reached the top, you started to walk closer to the edge, there was space on the other side of the railing. You too off your shoes, let your hair down ( if you have short hair ignore this line) and went on the other side and just sat down. Hair flowing with the cool breeze giving you moments of comfort before it was all about to end. You got up, closed your eyes while turning to the roof top, holding the bar, and leaning over the edge and then you let go. Suddenly you felt a hand hold yours, leaving you dangling over the building. You opened your eyes to see Jungkook holding your hand with all his strength while also holding the railing with the other.

He was grabbed by Namjoon, so he let go of the railing and held you using both of his arms. Hoseok also joined him to help while Jin held him. You smiled at them softly and then whispered

"I'm Sorry." And then used your feet to push yourself out of his grip, but Hoseok caught you and Jungkook didn't let go.

When they were finally able convince you and coax you , to pull yourself back up on the roof with their help, you did. And then were met by a slap by Jimin and then hugged by him, speaking incohearent words between his loud and heartbreaking sobs, soon others were also hugging you trembling but Jungkook and Hoseok stood a little far looking at their hands. After the others let go of you, you made your way to the two members standing looking at their hands. How could you be so stupid? Traumatizing a literal child because of your selfishness. Softly you called their name and they snapped out of whatever they were thinking and look at you, back at their hands. Tears now steaming down their face as they tackled you in a hug crying loudly.

After everyone clamed down, They asked you about your past life and you told them, leaving the part out where they were famous because you were scared something might happen to them if you did tell them. They were very curious, and you found that adorable. While you were reminiscing, you casually mentioned about your suicide attempts in your past life, and how they saved you then as well, Traumatizing them further.

The other members then told you that they were avoiding you because they wanted to process things and also ask about the whole back story, Yoongi apologized for yelling, telling you he wasn't angry, Just scared for you and what you went through alone. You understood their reaction, and told them it was fine. This raised even more concerns because you are acting like you didn't just try to kill yourself just a few seconds ago. This was voiced by Yoongi and you told him that you were used to dealing with mental burdens alone. Which RM interrupted and told you you aren't alone like you were in the past life. You have them, everyone nodded at that statement and you chuckled due to how cliche it sounded and how comical they looked nodding like that. That night on that roof, all the secrates you kept to yourself, all out in the open. You felt vulnerable but it wasn't necessary a bad thing.

You were happy that it was now no longer a secrete because, you can express yourself more and not act like everything was okay every time.

Its Okay Not To Be Okay. ( see what i did there?)

After that incident, they never left alone, atleast one member will accompany you, everywhere. You want to cook, let Jin join. You want to paint? Jungkook is ready with supplies. You want to produce music? Suga is waiting for ya. You wanna perfect your choreography? J-Hope and Jimin are waiting in the dance studio. You wanna nap? You can ask anyone. You want to practice your vocal? V is ready to help.

You also released a SOLO called "HEAL" which had 2 songs ' My R' and 'Miss wanna die'. which represented the sucide attempt but also a senario where "what if Jungkook wasn't able to reach you." It stared every members and their grives when it happend, it was raw with feelings. The music video replaying the events of the day with some extra touches. Like a devestating screem of Yoongi as you fell from the roof. and some more emotional stuff. It was there to serve as a reminder to you and the group of what you went through together. You also got a tattoe, a mix of a semicolan and a butterfly sybolising new begining.

Every day was the same until.... You got a call. Caller ID displaying the name "Eomma" (mom). You picked up and greeted her, she returned the greeting and then started to ask about your how your music and stuff was doing, you told her it was going great. To which she replied how happy she is and then told you how your whole family was in Seoul and they wanted to meet. You were suspicious because the last time you saw her or even spoke to her was in the hospital, when you woke up in this body. You reluctantly agreed, She was happy to hear that and told you to wear a pretty dress and look decent and the coming Sunday meet them at the Wangbijib Sicheong Mugyo. You told the other members, Yoongi told you in private that he also has the same suspicions as you and asked if he could accompany you along with Jin. You agreed since it would be more comfortable with them around.

Since it was a fancy restaurant, you made the to males wear tux, and you wore a a Gown (something like this or you can imagine whatever you want). Soon you all reached there and met with the sight of 4 unfamiliar faces along with your family. You made your way to them slowly and after reaching politely greeted them with a low bow. Your mother introduced the women as Ji-eun, the man as Dong-hyun, the boy as Hyun-woo and the girl as Jin-a. You introduced yourself while taking seat and also introduced you band members Min Yoongi and Kim Seokjin.

Your mother asked why you were being accompanied by them to which you replied policy. They understood and stated ordering, while holding a pleasent conversation. The food arrived and everyone started eating. You knew something was up because Hyun-woo kept stealing glances, and Ji-eun was gushing how well mannered you were and how beautiful you looked. Then they came to the point which made you deadpan. Marriage.....

You Parents decided to arrange your marriage with one of their bussiness partner's son. The moment this was brought up Jin choked on his drink while Yoongi's mouth fell open. You calmly wiped your mouth with the napkin provided, and interrupted the two women who were gushing about how you both should get engaged as soon as possible, by saying something that horrified both of them...

"Sorry to burst your bubble but i have no interest in marriage."

I mean why would you wanna marry someone when you have dedicated your whole life to BTS? You planed to stay by their side and marriage or even a relationship will hinder with your plans. So its a big No.

You mother tried to brush it off as you being funny but you interrupted again telling them you were serious. Your mother became furious and started to go on rant about how you need to have a good husband and children before its too late and you should stop wasting time. Your brother who was silent the whole time spoke up saying he respected your choice, infuriating your mother even more.

Jin and Yoongi stayed silent not knowing what to do. Ji-eun started telling you about her son and how successful and hansome he is. You pointed at Jin calling him the most handsome man you've met also using his infamous nickname WWH. This infuriated her and the dinner ended right then and their. Your brother drove you and the guys, telling you that he will always be there for you and not to worry about mother, and he will handle everything. He told you to live your life, which not gonna lie made you a bit emotional.

After your brother dropped you off, you gave him a hug and told him to keep in contact. The two elder members had told the others while you were busy with your brother effectively causing chaos.

Your brother kept his promise and shifted all of you in a bigger home for privacy and comfort, but mainly he didn't like the idea of you sharing a room with hormonal men who can take advantage of your kindness, his words not yours. Life went back to how it was.

Years passed and BTS then blew up, and hate for you started to pour in, about how you were ruining the group. It didn't bother you though, it was natural. But you couldn't say the same for the others. They made a firm statement on every platform, saying any hate towards you is a hate towards all of them, as they were a team.

But one incident where an interviewer had targeted you, bringing up all the hate and rumors to try to fluster you, but even before you could respond, the members got up and started walking away, you were picked up by RM and all of them just walked off. Since it was live the moment they stepped out, all the members reposted the statement and also stated that they will no longer be going to interviews like these.

Everyone soon found your solo album and boom all the haters who questioned your singing and dancing shut up. You don't show off in the band music because you wanted them to shine, but you don't have that restriction when you do solos.

Your other SOLO "HEAL" was also discoverd and people started to hate on you again for writing a song so sensitive without experiencing what those feelings were. You and all the members went live after having enough of the contovercies and reveled your sucidal past. This made people feel very guilty but you understood. You alsi made a statement saying misunderstanding happen and its fine. You were loved more after that.

You also made another solo, This time it had Alan Walkers future songs, You made sure to include him since he did produce so the only thing you did was sing his songs. SUGA was also there to help produce since you aren't allowed to be alone. He wouldn't admit it but he was a little jealous that you went to another producer and not him

That album blew up even more and you got your own fan club like the rest of them. And you were happy. But you didn't consider something..... Their developing feelings for you....

Namjoon was the first to fall for you. For him, it was love at first sight. The day of the competition in Seoul, he saw you and his heart beat increased. The way you'd carry yourself with such elegance and confidence, and during the competition, your voice was smooth but carried authority. Plus he never met someone who could match him like such . He was so sure you would win but you didn't, you lost by a single point. He wanted to congratulate you, who knows maybe get you number..... He over heard you telling someone that since you found him cute and let him win.. He left but then you came up to him and congratulated him and also gave him your number. Overtime, the more you chatted, the more his feeling developed,.......

Yoongi, even after being self aware, did not realise his feeling towards you. After getting a girlfriend, he subconsiously started comparing her to you, never saying it out loud. But all the little thigs you did to spoil him, or when you always hold his his hand while crossing the road or when you both are in crowded places. And after you started to avoid him, he would do the little things only to realize you weren't there. His girlfriend noticed, and decided to end the relationship. Yoongi was a gentleman, but it was you you who made him a better version of himself. She realized and ended it, Of course as expected, Yoongi didn't know, or understand why, She actually felt bad but it had to be done. She did offer they stay friends, He accepted and left, And for some reason it felt right to her. She figured Yoongi went to you. The next time they met alone, it was awkward but she finally told him,

"It was Y/N-nie that you have feelings for, not me. The feeling you felt towards me were just a reflection of what you felt towards her. I can guarenty it since i just know that you went to her after our break up, not that it bothered me since its a habit of yours.... You always go to her in the time of need and you always look relaxed with her... It isn't platonic Yoongi-sunbae.... You love her, more than you realize it. Please think about it."

She then left after giving a shallow bow. Reaching home he laid in his bed wide awake, even when his mind and body were begging him to sleep, her words fresh in his mind 'it isn't platonic...... you love her, more than you realize' . Does he? I mean he finds you absolutely breath taking, he also love all the small quirky habits you had. And god that smile, That smile which lights up his world....... Fuck he really does love you doesn't he.... And after realising it, it just started to grow him. Maybe he might act on them, maybe in the future.

Kim Seok-Jin's feelings were developed the most normal way. It became from friends to crush. He was delighted to find out that you would be a trainee with him, and he also helped you better your pronounciation skills, and you helped him with dancing. And he slowly started to fall for you. He was going to act on it but stopped when you mentioned you aren't looking for a relationship and want to focus on being a better idol. It made him sad but he understood. It also made him fall for you more, you passion and determination.

Jung Hoseok's feelings were complicated due to trust issues and past relationship, where his girlfriend cheated on him. So he prefered platonic since you were also popular with the guys, and you were also best friends with a guy, Min Yoongi, a fellow trainee. He didn't want to make things complicated, even though he belived you both will never be in the same group. He remembers you from when he saved you, and how you dialed Yoongi's number instead of your parents, and you two were practically inseprable even during the training. He had mixed feelings about this since you never talked you the other female trainees (you did but just never showed it). But he couldnt resist your charms, your passion, your hard work..... And your caring nature. He fell, Hard. He knew there will possibly be a love triangle but he didn't mind.. Its not like his rivals will be in the same group right? (lol)

The Maknae line fell for you simultaniously. Taehyung fist, then Jimin and lastly Jeong-guk. Taehyung was a normal teenager who went for looks and you were his type, but he started to truly fall for you when you all became a Band. He remembers you taking care of him, making sure he was alright, but one perticular incident stuck out to him which solidified his feelings for you. When you stood up to the manager about his cloths, Taehyung has cholinergic urticaria, meaning sweat and high body temperature cause hives all over his body, His manger was forcing him to wear tight cloths but you drilled the manager ( since you have a rich brother who was also an investor) and made sure he was comfortable. You also carried a a small electrical fan for him. These small gestures were arrow to his heart, like cupid struck him. As these gestures continued, his feelings also grew.

Park Jimin saw a side of you that only Yoongi had seen until then, It being your clumsy side. You were always careful during your trainee years, and even after the group was formed, but he'd always see you stumble and catch yourself, sometimes even chanting 'don't fall' like a mantra while carrying and walking. He found it absolutely adorable, he noticed your silly quirks and loved them. He also loved how caring you were and also extreemly passionate about your practice. Every time any of the manager would give them a hard time, you would be there to defend them. He loved it, He developed feelings soon after, when one of the manager was giving him an earful for something which was never his fault and he couldn't control, the manger who you later called was on 'power high'. You had shut the manger down so hard that the dude quit. He considered you his and everyone's 'Guardian Angel'

Jeon Jeong-guk, a.k.a Jungkook, joined the Big Hit when he was no older than 13. When he joined, he expected to do everything by himself, and probably not have a childhood. But he was roomed with you due to the lack of space, he was reluctent to share a space with a women much less a pretty one. But all the hesitance vanished the moment he met you. You were so warm and caring, even letting him skip out on chores sometime, but being warm didn't mean you weren't strict. You had always made sure he completed his school work, and kept a balance between spoiling him and disciplining him. You were also very cool in his eyes because of how you defended him and the other younger trainees. He didn't feel any romantic interest till the prank that BTS pulled on his 16th birthday, ( this one, if you haven't seen it). The moment cake came out, you immediately hugged the boy, and he started crying, after a while you were calming down Jungkook with hugs and kisses. Jungkook had then told them that, he was scared that his hyungs and producer were scolding him but the moment you said that you were disapointed in him, he couldn't keep it together and was scared you'd stop spoiling him. He also realised how jealous he got when you'd spoil other members the same way, and then went to Namjoon for advice. To which he found out he was in love.

You trying to kill yourself was a wakeup call for them and they had a meeting on your day off, without you. Every member confessed their feelings for you to each other, and realised it was either they had to fight for your affection or they could share it. They came to the decsion of sharing and protecting you. Since they all loved you, and you care so much for them, You must love the too right?

When they became famous, they kept seeing edits about you and another members, romantic ones. They even started to ship you with the Boys. They had requested their then manager to ask your opinion on it. To which you told him,

"I find them hilarious, I mean have you seen the boys? They are wayyy out of my league. If it were true then damn I'd win the loterry, But it won't happen, cuz I'm like a rock between Diamonds" while laughing.

What...... You think you don't deserve them? How could you? Can't you see how amazing you were? Truth be told they are the ones who don't deserve you....

I guess they have to just show you How important you are to them, Now don't they?

Why don't they recreate some of the fanfics you have been reading hmm....?

You'd like it right....?

A/N: OMFG FINALLYY, My blood, sweat and tears like by god it took too long. At this point i had another idea which i will write and almost dropped this one but i didn't want to keep others who actually look forward to my writing, waiting. Its been more than a month, Which I'm sorry about. I hope you enjoy!!! And wait for part two (it will take a while since i have another fic in mind right now) For right now i kept an open ending but in part two I'll write more about the romantic development in their relationships. Feel free to leave me ideas in the comments and how you thought Y/N ended up with the members?

Masterlist

Stay Safe, Healthy And Hydrated

[lawqual1ty]

Burn out... (FEM! Trafalgar Law x FEM! Reader)

Pov: College can sure take a toll on anyone, especially when exams come around the corner. Your roommate however tries her best to be your biggest supporter even though she's quite dense on how to do so...

I wrote this on a whim while trying to get my stress levels down a bit due to my exams so... Expect a lot of errors--

Warning: Curse words, Lesbians, burn out and stress symptoms (reader), mild flashbacks (Law), College scenario, fluuuuff I need female Law to comfort me okay??, A bit of Ooc Law? I'm not sure. Law calls you a raccoon--

College is the most magical chapter of your life, they said... Enjoy every part of it while it lasts, they said...

Those words resounded in your brain like some sort of non-breakable chant as you read and re-read the PDF the teacher had sent you over to study... It was long and filled with intricate words that you struggled to understand... It made your whole entire system feel dizzy as you stared at the screen of your tiny laptop, almost dumbfounded.

"I'm hungry..." You muttered in annoyance.

"Ugh God dammit!" You let out a loud groan as you roughly held onto your hair, luckily you were sitting on your bed of your tiny rented room so your fall backwards was rather safe, your hair fell backwards as you groaned in annoyance... Did you really have to wait until the last minute to study...? Did you really have to be so persistent on getting a better grade than last time...? Why did everyone define this as the best phase of your life...? If this was the best part you didn't even want to begin to imagine what the rest of your life would be like. You were tired, too sleepy to process another equation but too stressed to take at least a single wink of sleep, not that you could either way since, well... Tomorrow morning you would have to go to class all over again and sleeping would only make time pass faster. You bury your face into your hands, lifting your glasses up a bit, a soft groan escaping your lips before silence surrounded your room...

Before you knew it you had stood up from your bed and walked out of your room and over to the kitchen.

The small house you lived in was rather cozy; your room was located in the basement which gave you a clear access to the kitchen, you only had to climb up a pair of stairs and you were greeted by a small living room to your right and the kitchen to your left, it was perfect for long nights such as these in which you only needed to serve yourself a small cup of coffee and some pancakes (since they had been your basic night diet for the past week or two...), especially considering the fact that since you were so close you wouldn't have to wake up either of your roommates.

Their rooms were upstairs, far away from you and your annoyed at the world and your decisions ass. You rented a room with two other girls; One you had only passed by a couple of instances since she mostly hung out with her friends and even sometimes went to sleep over to their house, if you were to describe her you would say she was like a hurricane of sunlight in some way... She was cheerful and energetic and always had that characteristic strawhat that made her stand out just with a single glance, you had only interacted with her a few times but when you did you couldn't help but smile dropping an occasional laugh or two. She was cheerful and you could appreciate that occasionally. You turned to look up at where her room was only to realize her light was turned off... A soft sigh escaped your lips, a wave of relief washing over you as you realized that she won't be stealing any of your food this time around.

You looked around once more, your eyes falling into your other roommates room... Oh yes, you couldn't forget about the other one, although, she was even more rare to see than the prior. You had definitely interacted with her more but it was still on certain occasions, heck you could even count them with your fingers and it would fit. She was the first one to get here, even before you, and her tired gaze and demeanor made you realize immediately that she was not someone you wanted to get in the way of... She was cold, sharp and analytical; although there were occasions in which that all came crashing down and you have managed to witness that more than once much to your luck...

As you stared up into her turned on light you wondered what would go down if she came down to the kitchen with you inside it... Would she argue with you about how much longer she's been up than you? Or will she just ask why are you still awake and head off once you made her a mug of your characteristically strong coffee? You let out a soft amused huff before shaking those thoughts away, only she knew if she would come down... It all depended on how drowned out in studying she was: it wasn't up to you.

Since she was a medicine student it was rather obvious she had the most stress out of the three, you being a criminology student was in the middle, you had ran into her in your occasional ransacks into the kitchen looking for something to keep you awake and functional as you tried to Speedrun all your investigation papers, since your work groups had rarely managed to do shit right in the first place. Occasionally, you would chat about meaningless things; starting out with a quick "hey..." And following it up with a "why are you still awake...?" Making the conversations evolve from that point onward. She introduced herself as Trafalgar Law but told you you could just call her Law if you'd like to which you agreed since well... you found it a tad bit rude to call someone by their full name, even if you had just met 'em. You would catch glimpses of her softer side, noticing just why she had decided to study medicine in the first place, she was a sweet gal' underneath that cold exterior; that however didn't take off her snarky remarks nor her anger when she talked about some incompetent classmate in her class, to which you usually reluctantly agreed sometimes due to your own experiences. Your relationship with Law was... Unique to say the least, although you two got along you would sometimes get into banter out of who cleaned up or your grades even though you were completely different majors, it resulted in some rather tense yet fun moments between you two, although, mostly there were more calm moments than heated ones.

You walked into the kitchen and opened your cupboard to take out your coffee. You took a few spoonfuls and placed them into the filter of the coffee machine, the soft scent of the coffee grind already helping you to wake up a bit. You hummed softly as you walked up to the sink to get some water into the machine.

Unbeknownst to you, on the upper side of the house a black haired girl let out a tired yawn as her gaze was fixed on her computer. The accumulated sleepiness of several days with a wink of rest was finally catching up to her as she tried to read the document on the screen of her laptop. She squinted her eyes, her vision getting blurry due to how sleep deprived she was; frustration made her let out a groan as she leaned back on her chair, her hands ran through her hair making it even more of a mess than what it was already... She couldn't concentrate at all.

"four cups should do..." You muttered to yourself as you poured the needed water into the machine, clearly oblivious to your surroundings.

Her brows perked up as she realized she wasn't the only one awake. It was around 12:12 pm when she headed out of her room and noticed the kitchen light on together with the light to your room in the basement reflecting onto the small living room, You were also awake, the faintest scent of coffee coming from the kitchen confirming her suspicions. Unbeknownst to her, a small smile crept its way to her lips as she headed down the stairs... Almost as if the sweet scent of your coffee mixed with your characteristic humming pulled her into the kitchen, a magnetism only you had on her.

"Fuck..." She cursed under her breath, both out of respect for you and your other roommate and out of tiredness, she didn't have the strength to even yell out but if she slept she definitely wasn't going to pass, why did she decide to study this again...? She looked up at the ceiling, the slightest glimpse of her family coming back to her... Her lips parted slightly before smiling gently to herself.

"I better wake up..." She muttered under her breath as she slowly got up from her chair and onto the main hallway.

You were so focused on your duty at hand that you didn't realize a tall dark haired girl was leaning against the door frame, staring at you... Pondering on how long exactly it would take you to realize she was there. Sooner rather than later you quickly turned around and almost yelled out when you saw her, she had to hold back a laugh at how scared you seemed just by her unexpected presence alone.

"HOLY-- LAW!" A soft snort could be heard from her.

"Hey..." Her half husky yet sweet voice greeted you in a very nonchalant way, almost as if she didn't regret how she had scared you even one bit. A pout could be visible in your pursed lips.

"A warning would have been nice..." You mumbled under your breath as you turned around to turn on the coffee machine, the familiar sound of a beep showing you it was already on and ready to make the coffee you two very much needed. She let out a low chuckle, crossing her arms over her chest as she stared at you.

"Even if I had warned you, you were too focused on your own shit to actually take it seriously..." Her playful words only made you pout as you turned around to face her.

"Shut up!" You exclaimed almost in a yelp which was rather amusing to Law "Warn me still! Or did you want to scare me that badly...?"

Your question only made her shrug, fueling your frustration up a notch... Although you couldn't quite exactly stay mad at her for long, you were too tired for that. A soft sigh escaped your lips, you leaned against the counter a reaction that caught Law's attention immediately; Sure, you could usually be a bit grumpy when you didn't sleep well but for you to go on and sigh... It was rather odd. If you looked close enough, you would notice the slightest glimpse of worry in her eyes, she didn't show it openly due to her little understanding of how far she could go with her emotions when it came about you, she just stared at you... Her body gently leaning forward a bit towards you as if she was pulled yet again by your presence.

"Rough night...?" Was all she could muster the courage to ask, a soft groan escaped your lips as you rubbed the bridge of your nose.

"Rough night..." You responded gently, not really wanting to act annoyed at her, after all, it wasn't her fault that you were in a foul mood... You were the one who forgot to study days before the exam and just now was catching up... Not her! So why would you burst in front of her?

As you were mentally struggling to keep yourself at bay Law stared at you with a hint of concern in her face, although you two had rarely interacted she knew something was off... Sure, she could blame it all on the lack of sleep, college could be a bitch and she totally understands that since well... She's in the same situation as you, but your uncharacteristic annoyance and groans were more than just having a bad sleep schedule. Law was so torn on what to do... How is she supposed to help you...? You had always been a great aid, unbeknownst to you, whenever you two had interacted during these long and stressful nights you had always managed to make her believe that things weren't as rough as she had believed so in the first place, it was like your mere existence was all that she needed to keep going... Almost as if you gave her the little spark she needed to keep going strong during this long and arduous journey that is studying medicine; But now that you needed her to aid you she froze... She had no clue on what to do or what to say to help, she had never been good with comforting even herself so how was she supposed to do it for you? It was frustrating...

The coffee machine pouring the four cups of coffee you had served was the only sound that surrounded the two of you, the mere dripping adding a soft sound of ambiance as both your minds filled the rest with loud thoughts.

You kept pondering and pondering on the things you've studied so far, remembering everything you could, getting frustrated by the second as you forgot some stuff... Your brain was filled with dark strings of thoughts, some threaded into your mind with knowledge and understanding of debates and investigation yet others just stepped into the edges of your patience with a negative poison that made your head hurt... It was getting overwhelming and you didn't even know how to stop it from getting as intense as it was... Your heart felt heavy and your mind became dull, a migraine threatening to start and ruin your study night... Just like before, you were so caught up in your own world that you didn't realize the movement that had happened just next to you.

You had fully expected for Law to have already left, after all the only thing she would have stayed for was a cup of your coffee... Or that's what you thought. Your mess of a mind was suddenly blank, all the dark threads of thought seemingly coming to a halt as you felt a pair of hands stop them... The unfamiliar warmth that covered you sent a shiver down your spine; What had happened...? You slowly glanced over your shoulder only to find a mass of black hair over the crook of your neck... Law was hugging you.

Your whole body froze; she had never been the type to give hugs heck, even the slightest glimpse of affection coming from her was like a rare achievement, so for her to now be hugging you was... Odd; Even Law herself was surprised, she wasn't one to be this open yet when she saw how your eyes had slowly drained out of that spark she loved, her mind went blank and her body moved on her own, Half out of her whim and half out of what she had learned from you aiding her.

A few minutes went by in this position, her rather strong arms holding onto you while you looked at the coffee machine, the sound of coffee dripping onto the container now feeling somewhat comforting... Your heart and mind were a mess, the latter now filled with thoughts about Law and Law only, almost as if her presence alone made your whole mind agree on what should be threading it. Before long, you raised your hands and gently placed them on top of her tattooed arms, making her flinch slightly. She fully believed you would make her pull away but you didn't, you chuckled slightly as you rubbed your thumb through her soft skin.

"Thank you..." You muttered gently, a soft hum was heard from Law as she held you tighter against her.

"No need..." She mumbled against the nape of your neck. "I just... Thought you might need one of these..."

A soft snort escaped your lips. "'One of these'...? Are hugs so alien to you you don't even know what they're called...?" Your teasing words made her blush a bright red, not that you could see.

"S-shut up, That's not--"

"Nah Nah, you said one of these!" You giggled before clearing your throat and speaking in a bit more of a formal tone just to mess with her. "Allow me to introduce you: Law, hugs; hugs, Law"

Your playful tone made her roll her eyes; sure, you were being annoying but it was better than that gloomy version of yours she saw a few minutes ago, so she would let it pass... For now.

"Oh well nice to meet you I guess..." You laughed at her sudden approval of your teasing words.

Your laugh... It was beautiful, Law's mind became a mushy mess as she chuckled along with you. Sure, she had heard plenty of people laugh but for some reason the way you laughed with such genuine joy was... Something that always made her melt.

"You little raccoon..." She mumbled against the back of your head, making you giggle. It wasn't long before Law's instincts took place... She stared at the back of your head, your soft hair greeting her almost as if asking her to act as she had desired to for so long... A deep breath was all that she needed to get the courage to do so. Your eyes widened as you heard a faint smack sound coming from the back of your head, the gentle tickle of your hair mixed with Law's lips snapping you out to reality... Your pulse jumped up to your cheeks, tinting them a light pink as the realization of what had happened sank in... Your lips parted slightly.

"Did you... Kiss me...?" You didn't even understand why you asked... The answer was so obvious it made Law feel flustered about the fact that you were asking in the first place. A low chuckle was heard from her.

"What do you think little raccoon...?" Her words made your heart leap, she had kissed you... While holding tightly against her. Your silence made her a tad bit uneasy as she couldn't look at how brightly you were blushing confirming that you had indeed liked that small showcase of affection.

"You okay...?"

You perked up. "Y-yeah I'm fine!"

Your yelp caught her off guard, it was all the affirmation she needed... You liked it. She laughed, clearly amused by your reaction. She let out a soft sigh before hugging you against her body.

"Rough night then...?" She asked once more, the resounding of the same question from earlier making your heart flutter, the silent affirmation of that change lingering in the air like a mute prayer... Your lips curved up in a soft smile. You don't know where you got the courage but you laced your fingers with hers, the words 'DEATH' greeting you for an instant before they were quickly hidden by your lips, turning them a slight rosy pink as your companion felt a surge of warmth go through her entire body.

The coffee machine suddenly beeped, signaling the end of its coffee making process but neither of you cared for coffee anymore... You were too drowned out in the pleasure of being next to each other that you didn't listen, all you could hear was your heartbeat as you spoke in a soft whisper...

"Not anymore..."

[fourmoony]

𝐨𝐡, 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲

𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐮𝐬 𝐥𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐧 𝐱 𝐟!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

⭒⭒⭒

𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐛𝐥𝐮𝐫𝐛 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐮𝐬' 𝐛𝐢𝐠 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝.

𝟖𝟏𝟕 - masterlist

⭒⭒⭒

"I want one." I'd said, without even thinking.

Harry had just started to crawl. Lily was hovering over him rather nervously, wand at the ready to fix any bumps or bruises whilst James (who was very frazzled, but also very chuffed for his son) tried to figure out how to work the 'bloody muggle photo-thingy'.

Inside the Potter's living room, filled with laughter and joy, and so so much love for each other (and Baby Harry) it was all too easy to forget about the war. It was easy to forget the identifying questions James had made us answer on arrival, or the incantation we'd had to perform just to be able to see James and Lily's home. It was easy to forget the missions Sirius and Remus were being sent on, stretching out over weeks and days, or the missing muggles, witches and wizards, the rising death toll, the insistent nagging from The Dark Lord to change allegiances and join him.

On a lazy Sunday, where Lily would make soup and crusty rolls for lunch, and a roast for tea, where James and Sirius would spend hours transforming between their anamagi to amuse Baby Harry and Remus would read aloud whilst Peter and I played chess, it was easy to forget everything wrong with the world. It was so easy to just exist.

Remus looked up over the cover of his book and then down at his nephew, who was now sitting atop Padfoot, his father laughing maniacally whilst Lily shooed them out of the kitchen. He smiled an odd sort of smile, like he hadn't expected the words to come out of my mouth at all. Ever. Honestly, neither had I. Having children had been the last thing on my mind, in that time. But seeing the joy that Harry had brought to our friends, the life that Lily and James were building for him - it inspired me.

"Well," Remus mused, sitting his book down on the coffee table - careful to mind the cups of scattered tea everywhere - "I'll distract Lily. You could take Prongs in a duel. Easy."

His smile was wicked, his voice dripping with sarcasm as he came from the single arm chair to the sofa I was stretched across. He lifted my legs, sat them back on his lap, arm stretched along the back of the sofa behind me. I rolled my eyes at him, pouting, "You know fine well that's not what I meant, Lupin."

Remus laughed. A rare laugh, these days. My heart melted. He looked so much like the boy I'd fallen in love with all those years ago - the quiet (not at all quiet), studious, mysterious Remus Lupin. Little had I known he was the true mastermind to all 'Marauder' pranks, while remaining studious and mysterious, but also being the biggest, most sarcastic loud mouth I'd ever met. I had been in way too deep ever since.

"I know, love, I know." He patted my shin gently, lovingly.

He was thinking, behind those big, hazel eyes. I knew Remus inside and out, the moral debate was eating him alive. The self doubt, the inner fear he held of himself, of the wolf.

"I guess I never much thought of us having children. Of you wanting to have them, really, with me..." Remus looked pitiful, lost in thought, I frowned.

"Why wouldn't I want to have children with you? They'd be the prettiest, smartest, funniest babies to ever walk the Earth." I said confidently.

This earned me another laugh. Then, a shrug, "I dunno," Remus scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, "The wolf, I guess. It's not really one hundred percent that the kid wouldn't be."

I knew the possibility. But I also knew the progress that was being made in the ways of Lycanthropy. I knew how hard it had been for Remus, growing up. I knew he was cast aside, an afterthought, that people held prejudice against 'his kind', but I'd only ever loved him more for the strong man it had turned him into.

Not everyone was like this, though.

"I know the risks. I know you'll have put a lot more thought into it than me. A conversation for another time, maybe, but I'd like you to know," My hands reached for his face, guiding him to meet my eyes, "It would never be the wolf that put me off having children with you, Remus."

Remus smiled, a genuine smile and leaned forward to place his lips on mine. I settled back into the sofa, watched as Remus picked up his book, settling over my shins to read it.

"Your massive head..." I blew a whistle, "Now that might put me off."

Sirius cackled from the kitchen. Remus blew a raspberry and Harry copied him.

[alchemie-tarot]

How To Walk Your Talk

Hello! It’s been a while. I felt like this slightly ambitious (for me) pick-a-card topic needed a ton of energy and discernment to execute, and so I really took my time with it. I intended it for Aries season but, oh well... Look, another fire season Leo is just around the corner!

Take a breath. Feel free to choose the pile/s that call out to you. Some details may not make the mark and that’s natural, since this is a general reading. Please don’t take it too seriously as well. Nothing is set in stone. My objective has always been to channel messages that may help its readers in any way.

Yes, these are more sunset pictures from my sunset photography cache.

Pile 1

Cards: 5 of Swords, Queen of Cups, Death, 8 of Wands, Page of Cups, 10 of Wands, 7 of Pentacles

Your Talk is about overcoming conflict with other people. You’re proud of being able to defend yourself at all costs, from those who “attack” you and don’t believe in you, in particular. When you do, there’s a winner takes all kind of feeling. Proving yourself against any kind of criticism is a win. You definitely are not one to hold back and, if worse comes to worst, you can cut deep if you feel like you need to.

You think that this is the way to prioritize yourself. The way to show yourself love. It doesn’t seem to matter to you if you end up not having a lot of intimate ties because of this. You believe that the worst betrayal is the betrayal of your own self. 

I think this Talk of yours usually comes out when it has all been said and done. Something about you making sure you have the last word. You may wait to strike when the other party has their guard down. You may also want your Talk to have a potent and instantaneous effect on its listener. You tend to make sure there’s no room for them to say more, to potentially dismiss or disprove you. You’ll cut the conversation if you have to. 

What you may not realize is that this hurts your objective either way. Yes, you’re an advocate of yourself, but this behavior makes them see you as a “child” who doesn’t really seem to know what they’re saying and thinks little of consequences.

Under this bravado of yours, I sense an expectation to be understood. It may be that a part of you hopes that someone with an x-ray vision meets you with empathy, instead of the dismissal or outright opposition you know so well. Sometimes, other people’s emotions simply do not run as deeply and strongly as yours. What matters to you may be something they don’t personally read too much meaning into. 

Pile 1, your Talk seems to be taking a toll on you more than you would like to admit. This kind of vigilance is a lonely burden to carry. Do not get me wrong, though, it has paid off somehow when you learned to protect yourself. You’re impenetrable, but at what cost? You leave out the potential good that can touch you in significant ways.

Spirit urges you to put the sword down for a bit and look around you. You can’t make the most out of your life by always being on the defense. To truly Walk your Talk, you need to uncover the root cause of all this defensiveness. Do you think that being alone is worth turning away the compassion that you can receive? Is that what you really want? Continuing down this path will only push that possibility further away. 

Try to look over everything that you have gone through so far, but with curiosity to understand rather than a restless need to justify. I hear a suggestion, to redefine your boundaries. Take a rest, too, Pile 1, I believe you really need it. It will all pay off either way, but there is room for grace that may benefit you more than you could imagine.

Pile 2

Cards: 7 of Cups, 10 of Wands, 2 of Wands, The Hanged Man, 8 of Wands, The Emperor, Death

You think that daydreams get in the way of real life. Fantasy is a way to escape responsibilities and that it ultimately ends up being a burden since it’s technically not really a “way to live.” You think having too many choices is more inconvenient than it is exciting. Most of them are simply distractions, temptations to veer off course. 

You may be a really pragmatic person for the most part. For some, though, I see that you are not necessarily repulsed by the rose-tinted perspective, but that this kind of ambition is too much work to actualize. It’s something that would force you to choose between what is necessary and what is ideal. Grounded, longer term goals are more important to you, anyway. Not letting yourself get carried away is an act of bravery to face reality.

I sense that you’re surrounded by people who don’t really agree with your way of thinking. Perhaps a lot of the people around you have quite lofty dreams and, maybe at times, have too much faith in their abilities. You may think that they could learn a thing or two about staying in one’s lane. On the other side of that, they may think that you’re self-righteous and quick to judge. They see you as a person of action and laser focus in your own right, but your Talk about achieving such goals suffers because, well…some goals are idealistic and unlikely by nature. That’s what makes them goals! 

As far as it goes, you seem to be really Walking your Talk. To a tee, in fact. A little too firmly, perhaps, to the point where you may be getting complacent. 

Something you should know about this Emperor's energy that you have is that, no matter how strictly the Emperor follows a certain system, he would still strive for something beyond him. Why would he need to stick to the current reality if it could be changed and improved? With his power and position, why not seek what would commonly be thought of as “impossible”? What is good, and for good, is always worth a try.

There can be more than logic to make the most out of the goals we form– a touch of compassion on yourself and your circumstances can truly transform those goals into more than ticks off a to-do list, you know? Instead of resisting changes in plans, welcome them as a potential channel for breakthroughs. Even if they entail a little imagination from your part to materialize. Nothing wrong with letting yourself dream a little, Pile 2.

Pile 3

Cards: The Hermit, King of Cups, 8 of Cups, The Star, Justice, The Sun, The Empress

You keep this Talk mostly to yourself. You’re in quite a period of serious introspection, Pile 3. Gathering strength and gaining inner wisdom. You want to master yourself: your inner workings, your emotions, your psyche, the subconscious– and you believe that this is the way. You’re trying to find balance by going within and spending time with yourself. 

You carry out this Talk in the times you walk away from things you determine no longer serve you. Things you don’t see developing positively or going anywhere. Leaving behind those spilled and empty cups. For now you have been withdrawing a lot on an intentional and well-meant level. To be honest, the Talk here is Not Talking, and so it manifests that way… through silence. Focusing on what you would like to move ahead towards.

You want people to see this as what it is: your way of healing. You want to be seen as someone taking their time at the moment. There’s a factor of distance, the not wanting to be disturbed by outside energy. Minimizing your availability. This is all about you right now. There is also something about  finding yourself that you may have lost connection with at an earlier point. You want to achieve that peace and somehow let that energy seep through and act as its own protective barrier.

And you know what? The people around you believe that you are undergoing what you rightfully need. They see and understand what you’re trying to do. You have their support, and many are even cheering you on from afar. This is such a positive message, Pile 3! They believe it’s a victory in itself to see you in the process of bouncing back. The way you are holding everyone, including yourself, accountable for the things that should be so. They think that events are finally turning in your favor.

Getting The Sun for asking how your Walk looks right now is really one of the best things I have seen for this pick-a-card. It is so lovely to see that this is making you happy. I am happy for you, too! If you’re not quite there yet, trust that you will be. You will find that light you’ve been seeking in the dark depths of yourself that you bravely traversed. I’m telling you, what a shining light it is that you will find. You’re genuinely finding your way back to your inner child. Keep going and they will have more blessings to give you.

If you are feeling up for it, Spirit offers that you can take it up a notch by exploring more ways to nurture your soul. I see letting your imagination expand, creating things with your hands, pampering your body. Whatever has happened, Pile 3, know that it’s not too big for you to overcome. Your Walk is such a profound journey to a revival… You’re very close to experiencing the fruits of your labor. Sending you my warmth, Pile 3!

Pile 4

Cards: Death, Ace of Swords, 8 of Pentacles, 6 of Wands Rx, 5 of Cups, The Hanged Man, The Star

Change starts in your head. Change starts from within. Your Talk is giving me coach or counselor vibes, mostly of the spiritual kind. You may have gone through a major life event at some point in your life, however it applies to you. This may have pushed you then to speak about these major, life-changing events. You think that they are opportunities to grow. Signs to cultivate a new mindset. The best way to ride with it is to be sharp and alert, and to fight with all your might.

You seem to be quite methodical and stubborn about it. I hear you could have catchphrases of some sort, along the lines of “everything happens for a reason,” or that “you can get through anything if you just tried and worked hard enough.” Like I said, you may have experienced such events in your life already and it seems like you’ve seen enough to point out certain patterns. You developed a sense of anticipating how long something may last, where it is likely to lead, what’s next, etcetera. 

You want others to see how humbled you are because of these experiences. You want to gain their support, partly because you feel that it solidifies the validation of your Talk. Here’s the thing, though: the insistence of your experiences have been rubbing some people off the wrong way. You’ve been taking your narrative to an unclear length. It’s not your bravery and openness that they have reservations about, but the fact that it’s starting to sound like a broken record. At the end of your anecdotes, what message does it all lead to? Some are getting the impression that you’re stuck in some way with that period in your life instead of presenting solutions or forward steps to move on from it.

I think you see yourself as a champion for these life-changing experiences, to the point where your way of expressing or living out the empowerment you preach seems like an effect of the hold it still has on you. Deep down, you may feel some level of uncertainty to step out from its familiarity. Where were you supposed to go next? Maybe a part of you is also wondering, is this all I'm ever gonna be talking about and be known for?

I can’t help but notice the comparison of the cards Death and The Star: Death, clad in armor, and The Star, shining in their nakedness. Spirit urges you to take off that armor. You don’t have to justify yourself anymore. It won’t always be a battle. Yes, what happened has happened, and it has affected you deeply. It helped you be stronger as a person, but you have to realize that you’re still wielding it in a way. You can’t truly move on even if you simply turned the weapon around– you’re still holding it. There comes a point where you have to take it out of your hands.

Your Talk will become more potent and natural that way. You will find a calm about yourself and this Walk will draw you the support that you need and deserve.

Pile 5

Cards: Ace of Cups, Justice, The Fool, Judgment, 7 of Wands, Knight of Pentacles, The Devil

All is fair in love and war is the first thing I heard. This is seriously your Talk. You’re a go-getter, especially the emotional, creative, watery kind. Not just a go-getter, but a kind of rule-breaker, too. You focus your sights far, far ahead. I’m seeing that you don’t really read too much or think too deeply into most things. When something catches your attention, you just take it and make a run for it, I’m hearing. What an interesting Talk.

You want people to realize how awakened you feel and how liberating it feels in general to be in that mindset. You want people to see how many paths and options it opens up for them. To you, even though it sounds contrary, it actually narrows down and leads to what you really want– and then absolutely taking it at all costs. You see this as a road to inner wisdom and taking responsibility for one's own life. You think this is a primal kind of behavior and it’s only natural to give in to it as humans.

However, people mostly just see that you’re setting yourself up to be in a constant, if not lifelong, struggle. They think you’re too high up in your worldview and that you could be taken down a notch. Even if they won’t necessarily call you out or actively try to humble you, they believe there will always be something or someone to challenge you, and that it’s not really a worthwhile thing to keep up forever. 

As far as it’s going right now, your Talk is coming to be your Walk, quite naturally. As chaotic as this mindset is perceived, there is a diligent and grounded way that you’re implementing it. You really believe in its value and it shows in your actions. Not much can shake you about it, I see.

In order to achieve your wants and goals in the best way, Spirit urges you to take some time to look at your shadow. Try to take a look if you’re acting out fully aligned with those goals, or are you simply carried away from the addictive feeling it brings? There’s a benefit to taking everything with a sense of moderation, no matter how you choose to live your life. Is there something deep-seated that you ought to acknowledge, that instead of giving you that “freedom” it could actually be a kind of blockage? Do you really believe that these are the rules of the world or did you impose them on yourself? Reevaluate what freedom is to you.

Pile 6

Cards: Queen of Pentacles, 8 of Wands, 3 of Swords, Knight of Swords, Queen of Swords, Page of Swords, Knight of Cups

You believe that financial stability and reaching certainty in physical comfort are easy come, easy go. One should always be maximizing their time to be productive. Opportunities shouldn’t be wasted and the only things worth aligning with are those that lead to this state of living. Anybody you encounter is a potential for your network. There is no time for sitting back. You should always be ready. Go past or eradicate anything and everything standing in your way.

While your Talk is one that is supposed to be motivating by nature, the way you deliver it seems imbued with an element of fear. “Do this or leave yourself vulnerable. Hardships eventually catch up, so you better keep on moving.” I think you may be one to say that no matter how secure one is, one shouldn’t be chilling out too much. It can easily be lost in a blink of an eye.

You want to be seen as someone who means well and is only doing everything they do to help. You want to be seen as an embodiment of your Talk: always on the move and, for some reason I heard, looks cool while doing it. Willing to do whatever it takes.

Others see that your Talk is clouding quite a bit of your actual vision of it. They do see that you do not give up easily. Your directness is admirable, if not a little bound to the notion of having to always be on the next thing after finishing the previous. You look so far ahead you’re practically living in the future than the present. You’re also hardly paying full attention to the things you currently have, born from all the hard work you’ve put in.

Well, you seem to be using a lot of your words at the moment, I hear. Talking and talking. To people with like-minded goals, and to yourself? I'm getting that it’s because you feel quite flighty at the moment. Are you okay? When was the last time you took a breath? There’s a bit of anxious, running-on-fumes energy. You seem to be highly inspired, though. Bursting with ideas, in fact. For now, these plans mostly stay as plans.

Like all things, balance helps with feeling stable within yourself. Spirit urges you to get in touch with your emotions at the moment. Access what’s behind that flighty energy. You have the goals, the plans, and the direction. What you lack right now is a sense of being grounded enough not to run yourself ragged. Intuition plays a big role in this– yours wants to tell you something. It also won’t hurt to learn how to handle things, especially yourself, with more grace and compassion. Appreciate your ideas as themselves and not just a means to go somewhere else. It’s okay to not think about the goods right now. Think about what genuinely fills your cup.

Thank you for interacting with this post of mine. Always take care of yourself. 💜✨

[cheynovak]

Texas sky – part 5 

Summary: Y/N, a former cast member of Supernatural, had left Texas for LA several years ago, citing career reasons but also escaping unresolved personal issues. During a reunion party in Austin, she reconnects with Jensen Ackles, who is still married to Danneel but also struggling with his own difficulties.  He confronts Y/N about her sudden departure and their past, hoping things might turn out differently this time.  

Warnings: Friend to lovers, old love rediscovering, marriage problems, cheating, alcohol, hurt, anger, fluff, story with smut, ...  

English is not my first language   

*This story is my own original story, please do not copy my work, reblog/comments/likes are appreciated* 

The morning started like any other, with the familiar ding of notifications pulling me out of bed. I absentmindedly scrolled through my social media, expecting the usual flood of fan posts and pictures from conventions. Jensen had been overseas for weeks, and while I tried to keep my distance, his texts and calls were a constant reminder of the unresolved tension between us. I could feel in my bones that he was going to beg me to reconsider, to give him more time, to hold on just a little longer. But I was exhausted, worn down by the emotional toll of it all. I didn’t think I had another fight left in me.

Then I saw it.

My thumb hovered over the screen as the headlines and fan theories exploded across my feed. Fans were buzzing with speculation, piecing together clues that had been floating around for days. The most glaring detail? Jensen hadn’t been wearing his wedding ring. But nothing could have prepared me for what came next.

A video from a panel Danneel had done the day before started autoplaying on my feed. She stood alone on stage, her expression a mix of bitterness and sadness. My heart raced as I hit play, dreading what I was about to hear.

Danneel didn’t mince words. She addressed the rumors head-on, explaining that she and Jensen were separated. She paused, her gaze hardening, and then she dropped the bombshell that made my stomach twist into knots.

“He’s been unfaithful,” she said, her voice cold and steady. The room fell silent, the weight of her words hanging heavy in the air. “That’s why I’ve chosen not to do any photo ops with him. I need to take care of myself, and I won’t pretend everything’s fine when it’s not.”

I could barely breathe as I watched the video, my heart sinking further with every word. Danneel’s accusation felt like a punch to the gut, the kind that knocks the wind out of you and leaves you reeling. My mind raced, trying to make sense of it all.

She told the people she had her suspicions for a very long time, she didn't say my name but she mentioned it being a long time friend and co worker of him. The implications of what she was saying were too much to process. I knew there were problems between them, that much was clear, but hearing it confirmed in such a public, final way was devastating.

In the following panels, I saw Jensen trying desperately to put out the fire. His attempts to smooth things over were met with mixed reactions, the fans divided between those who supported him and those who sided with Danneel.

He explained it wasn't just a one time thing, that he fell in love and fell hard, that he and Danneel had been together for the public eye, not wanting to discuss anything publicly. Asking for his kids sake to let it be. Even though she made his life a living hell, he never said one bad word about Danneel. Taking the blame all on him.

The speculation was growing, spreading like wildfire across social media. It felt like the walls were closing in, the secret world we had shared crumbling around us.

My phone buzzed in my hand, and I glanced down to see a text from Jensen.

“Call me. Please.”

My hand shook as I read the message, the words blurring on the screen as tears welled up in my eyes. I wanted to call him, to hear his voice and somehow make sense of this mess. But I was paralyzed, unable to move, my thoughts spinning out of control.

I knew Jensen would beg me to stay, to stick by him through this storm. He would tell me he loved me, that he needed more time to figure things out. But Danneel’s words kept echoing in my mind, louder and louder until I couldn’t think straight.

“He’s been unfaithful.”

The guilt hit me like a tidal wave, pulling me under and drowning me in regret. I had been the reason for their separation, I was the one who had pushed Jensen to this point? The thought was unbearable, a weight on my chest that made it hard to breathe.

I felt horrible.

With trembling hands, I typed out a reply.

“J, I know we need to talk, but not like this. Not now. I’m sorry.”

I tried to hold my ground, to keep the distance I knew we needed, but Jensen didn’t let go. My phone rang again, his name flashing on the screen, but I couldn’t bring myself to answer. Then, a notification popped up—voicemail. I hesitated, knowing that whatever he had to say would only make this harder, but I couldn’t ignore it.

With a deep breath, I pressed play. The moment his voice filled my ears, my heart broke all over again. He sounded devastated, his words shaky and broken, and I could hear the unmistakable sound of tears in his voice.

“Please, just listen,” he began, his voice thick with emotion. “I didn’t know she was going to do this. Before we left for Europe, Danneel said she wanted to come along to help our relationship, to work on us. I thought... I thought we were going to, I don't know, talk about how to work things out with the kids and divorce and all. I tried to reach you, to tell that I left her. Please just... call me."

He took a deep breath.

"She blindsided me. I had no idea she was planning to say all that. I swear, I never wanted to hurt you. I’m so sorry.”

He paused, his breath hitching as he tried to compose himself, but the next words came out in a choked sob. “I love you. I need you. Please, don’t shut me out. I don’t know what to do without you.”

The voicemail ended, leaving me sitting there in silence, my chest aching with the weight of his words. I could picture him, alone and broken, thousands of miles away, and the thought of him hurting like this was unbearable.

I couldn’t keep doing this to him, or to myself.

Without thinking, I grabbed my phone and called him back. The line barely rang before he picked up.

“Jensen,” I said, my voice trembling. “Where are you?”

He sounded relieved, almost desperate as he answered. “I’m in London for a couple of days. I would really want to see you.”

I didn’t hesitate. As soon as I hung up, I booked the next flight out. I didn’t know what I was going to say when I saw him, but I knew I had to be there. The distance, the silence, none of it mattered anymore. All that mattered was that he needed me, and I couldn’t let him go through this alone.

The hours until my flight felt like an eternity, my mind racing with what might happen when I arrived. Part of me was scared, terrified of what this might mean for us, for the mess that our lives had become. But another part of me, the part that still loved him with every fiber of my being, knew that I couldn’t stay away.

Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, I boarded the plane. The flight was a blur, my thoughts consumed by the sound of his voice in that voicemail, the pain in his words. I replayed it over and over in my mind, each time feeling the tug of his need pulling me closer to him.

When the plane touched down in London, I was filled with a mix of anxiety and determination. I knew that whatever happened next could change everything, but I couldn’t let that stop me. Jensen needed me, and that was all that mattered.

I stepped out of the terminal, my heart pounding as I scanned the crowd for him. And then I saw him—standing there, looking as lost as I felt, his eyes searching for me wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. The moment our eyes met, all the fear and uncertainty melted away, replaced by a deep, undeniable pull towards him.

I walked towards him, my steps quickening as I closed the distance between us. He looked exhausted, his face etched with pain and sleepless nights, but the moment I reached him, his arms wrapped around me, pulling me close.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his voice cracking as he buried his face in my hair. “I never meant for any of this to happen, not like this not publicly.”

I held him tight, feeling the warmth of his body against mine, and for the first time in weeks, I allowed myself to let go. The weight of everything we’d been through seemed to melt away as I pressed my lips to his, not caring if anyone saw. Jensen didn’t care either; he kissed me back with a desperation that made my heart ache.

When we finally pulled away, I noticed a few people in the crowd recognizing him—recognizing us. But Jensen didn’t flinch. He grabbed my luggage with one hand, keeping his other arm securely around my waist as we made our way through the terminal. He only stopped once, briefly, to sign an autograph for a fan who had hesitated before approaching us.

“No pictures today,” he said gently, offering a tired smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. The fan nodded, understanding, and thanked him before Jensen turned back to me and we continued walking.

I’d seen Jensen interact with fans countless times, and he almost never turned down a request for a photo. But today, I could see why he had to say no. He looked exhausted, like the life had been sucked out of him, his usual energy replaced by something heavy and dark.

--

We finally made it to his hotel room, the door closing behind us with a soft click. The room was quiet, almost eerily so, a stark contrast to the chaos that had been swirling around us. Jensen set my luggage down and turned to me, his expression a mix of relief and something deeper—something that spoke to how much he had been holding in.

“Thank you for coming,” he said softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

I nodded, stepping closer to him. “Of course, J. I couldn’t just stay away, I just... needed time.”

He reached out, his fingers brushing my cheek as he searched my eyes for something—reassurance, comfort, maybe even forgiveness. “I’ve missed you so much,” he confessed, his voice breaking slightly. “I didn’t know what to do, how to fix any of this.”

I took his hand in mine, squeezing it gently. “We’ll figure it out,” I said, trying to sound more confident than I felt. “Don't we always?”

Jensen pulled me into another embrace, holding on like he was afraid I might disappear if he let go. I rested my head against his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart, and for a moment, we just stood there, clinging to each other as if the world outside didn’t exist.

After a few minutes, Jensen finally pulled back, his eyes searching mine.

We moved over to the couch, and he sat down beside me, our legs brushing against each other. I could see the tension in his shoulders, the way he seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on his back.

“Talk to me, Jensen,” I urged gently. “What’s going on in your head?”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair as he leaned back against the couch. “Everything’s a mess,” he admitted, his voice low. “I thought I could keep it together, keep everything separate, but it’s all falling apart. I never though she would hit such a low blow."

I reached out, placing a hand on his arm, feeling the tension radiate through him. “You told her about us?” I asked softly, my voice barely above a whisper. The weight of the question hung between us, the answer holding so much more than just words.

Jensen nodded, his eyes clouded with a mixture of regret and resolve. “Yeah,” he said, his voice rough with emotion. “I told her everything. About how I feel about you… how I’ve always felt.” He paused, swallowing hard before continuing. “She tried to dismiss it, saying it would change, that it was just a phase, but I told her it wasn’t. I asked for a divorce.”

My breath caught at his admission. “And?”

“She said no,” Jensen replied, a bitter edge to his tone. “She’s refusing to let go, saying I’ll come around, that it’s just a rough patch. But now she’s telling everyone her side, twisting the story to make it look like I’m the one at fault, that I’ve been unfaithful. She’s dealing the cards her way, trying to make me the villain.”

"And I know in a way I am guilty, I did cheat I know that. But no one knows how many year I put up with her, just for the kids."

The pain in his eyes was palpable, and without thinking, I leaned in and kissed him, pouring every ounce of my feelings into it, hoping to ease the hurt even just a little. When I pulled back, his gaze was searching mine, fear flickering in his eyes.

“I’m afraid this will push you away again,” he confessed, his voice trembling slightly.

I shook my head firmly, realizing in that moment that he had chosen me, that despite everything, he was here with me. “I’ll never leave you,” I promised, my voice steady with certainty.

Relief washed over his features as he pulled me closer, his arms wrapping around me like he was afraid I might slip away if he let go. “I don’t deserve you,” he murmured, his voice thick with emotion.

But I silenced him before he could continue, pressing my lips to his in a heated kiss, pouring everything into it—my love, my fear, my hope. The kiss deepened, our breaths mingling, our bodies molding together as if trying to erase the distance that had been between us for so long.

His hands moved to cup my face, his thumbs brushing away the tears I hadn’t realized had started to fall. “I love you,” he whispered against my lips, the words raw and filled with a desperation that mirrored my own.

“I love you too,” I whispered back, the truth of it echoing in every beat of my heart. "I've always loved you." The confession hung in the air between us, a truth that had been buried for far too long. Jensen pulled me closer, his hands wandering over my body as if trying to memorize every inch of me. I could feel the tension in his grip, the way his fingers trembled slightly as they traced the curves of my back.

“I’ve missed you,” he said, his voice breaking as tears welled up in his eyes. The raw emotion in his words tugged at my heart, and I nodded, feeling my own tears threatening to spill over.

“I’ve missed you too,” I replied softly, my voice thick with emotion. I pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, trying to offer some comfort. “It’s late, J. You probably need to get some sleep.”

He looked at me, his eyes searching mine, vulnerable in a way I hadn’t seen before. “Will you stay tonight?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper, as if he was afraid I might say no.

I smiled softly, my heart swelling with love for him. “If you want me to,” I said, brushing a strand of hair from his face. “I’ll stay every night from now on.”

The relief that washed over his face was palpable, and he pulled me into a tight embrace, burying his face in the crook of my neck whispering. "I'd hoped you'd say that."

--

Jensen crawled into bed, his movements slow and heavy with exhaustion. From the bathroom, I watched him through the open door, brushing my teeth as I saw him fighting to stay awake. His eyelids drooped, and I could see the weight of everything he’d been carrying in the lines of his face. It broke my heart to see him like this—a wonderful man who didn’t deserve any of the distress he was going through.

As I rinsed my mouth, my thoughts drifted to all the “what ifs” that had haunted me for so long. What if I had been more straightforward about my feelings from the beginning? Would he returned the feelings a little earlier?

What if I had let him stay that night before his wedding, when he had been so vulnerable and unsure? Could I have saved him from all of this?

But those thoughts were a double-edged sword, filled with regret and longing. All I wanted now was for him to be happy, to find some peace in the chaos that had become his life.

When I finally joined him in bed, sliding under the covers, I felt his arm instinctively wrap around me. He muttered something under his breath, his voice thick with sleep, “It’s about time,” he said, his words barely audible as he nestled his face against my chest.

I kissed his hair, feeling the tension in his body slowly melt away as he held me close. “Sleep now,” I whispered, my fingers gently running through his hair in soothing strokes.

Jensen let out a content sigh, his breath warm against my skin. His body relaxed completely, his breathing evening out as he finally succumbed to the exhaustion that had been plaguing him. I held him like that, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest against mine, and for the first time in what felt like forever, there was a sense of calm between us.

As I lay there, watching over him while he slept, I made a silent promise to myself—to do whatever it took to make sure he found happiness, to stand by him through whatever came next. And as the night wore on, with Jensen safe in my arms, I finally felt like we were on the path to something better.

--

Let me know what you think, like, share or comment <3 If you liked this, please check out my masterlist for other stories.

Taglist: -> If you want to be added let me know what you like to read!

@kr804573 @nancymcl@suckitands33 @mostlymarvelgirl @globetrotter28 @jackles010378 @hobby27 @call-me-mrs-winchester

@winchesterwild78 @deans-baby-momma @deansimpalababy @n-o-p-e-never @stefansring @mayafatimakhan

[vincent-marie]

I'm probably not the first to point this out, but in my current rewatch of GRAVITY FALLS, I think it's astonishing how the writers for this "silly little kids' show" successfully captured how trauma can take its toll on one's mental AND physical health.

Look no further than our man Fiddleford McGucket and his memory-erasing device. All because of one lab experiment that went wrong and kept giving him nightmares. He felt that the only way to cope was to get rid of the experience from his mind entirely, but it took most of his other memories and his ability to function along with it.

Given my own experiences with trauma, that hits a lot differently with me now. I had a pretty rough adolescence as a then-undiagnosed autistic kid being forced to travel around the world, and I was bullied at just about every school I went to because I was "too sensitive." Now so much of my memory from those times are are so vague on most of the details, because my day-to-day life at school was so nonstop stressful in a way that other students didn't experience, and that teachers didn't know how to "deal" with me. I don't want to relive that, yet I still get nightmares about not only being back in school, but being directly bullied by the teachers who downplayed the hurt that I went through.

Speaking of downplaying really serious issues, I do find it disturbing that as a society, no matter what we've been through, we're all just expected to "power through it" as if going through any kind of traumatic experience is on par with spilling some grape juice on your suit. But we can't function that way. We need time off. We need treatment and recovery. I'd say that we're people and not machines, but even machines need to be turned off for a bit so they can be repaired.

I guess what I'm getting at is, I see you, Fiddleford.

And those of you reading this who are doing what you can to take care of yourself and heal from your own trauma in spite of everything?

I see you, too.

[bullet-prooflove]

You beat me at my own damn game

Sequel to The Fire Still Burns

Crockett doesn’t expect you to turn up at his door that night. It’s been four months since he left you, since he told you he couldn’t cope with your change of circumstances and walked out the door. You’ve run into each other a few times since then, always at the hospital, sometimes in the elevator, sometimes in the canteen. You always look tired, wrung out. Your nephew’s illness takes a toll on you, he knows the feeling, he experienced the same thing with Harper. He wishes he could say it gets better…

You don’t say anything when he opens the door, when he tries to speak you stifle his words, covering his mouth with your own. That instance, it unlocks something with him, all of those feelings he’s been holding back, that emotion, it breaks the surface.

It devolves from there, roving hands and desperate kisses. There’s a recklessness in you tonight, a wildness he’s never seen before. That should have been his first clue, he realises in the aftermath. It gets a little raw, a little rough. It’s a far cry from the love making he remembers, the nights you spent tangled up in one other.

You fuck him that night, hard and he lets you. He thinks you need to feel something in that moment, something other than the weight of that responsibility that bears down on you day after day.

You’re already getting dressed by the time he starts to catch his breath. He tries to say something, anything but the words just die in his throat because he can’t take back what he did, despite how much he wants to.

It occurs to him as you close the apartment door behind you that you’ve just beat him at his own game. Fucking and running, that used to be his move before he met you and now your reading from his playbook.

It isn’t until the next day that he hears the news, your nephew Jace passed away yesterday evening, you’d been right there holding his hand. Suddenly he understands why you ended up in his bed last night, how you’d used him as a way to cope.

He turns up at your place after work. He knows this cycle, how destructive it is. He’s here to help you through it if you let him. When you open the door, he knows that you’ve been crying, your skin is blotchy, your eyes red rimmed. Something in his heart just breaks because he had hoped that Jace would be one of the lucky ones, that somehow despite his diagnosis he’d make it.

“Darlin,” He whispers, cradling your face between his hands. “I’m so god damned sorry.”

Love Crockett? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Interested in supporting me? Join my Patreon for Bonus Content!

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

@anime-weeb-4-life @99-reasons-to-live @legit9thlunaticwarrior @telepathay @teti-menchon0604 @depxiety @upsteadlogic @mortal--soul '@iworldlywriter @nu1freakshow '@thebewingedjewelsnake @shakespeareanwannabe @whateversomethingbruh @handsupforamiracle @slytherqueen14 @wnbweasley @neapolitantoebeans @toasted-stiletto @altsvu @olymosity @district447 @stelacole @mandy426 @kabloswrld

[askagamedev]

I've been employed as a senior game programmer for two years but I really need a new job and I don't think I'm good enough to compete as a senior, if took a salary decrease I wouldn't receive much less a year after tax. I don't wanna be stressed out being expected to do things I can't do effectively. How would you recommend getting a new job at a more junior position? My heart is no longer in this profession I don't have love for it anymore. I just want a job to provide for my family.

There seems to be a lot to unpack here. I'm reading several different elements that each warrants its own response. Here's what I'm seeing:

You aren't feeling job satisfaction with what you do any more

This happens from time to time and likely needs some soul-searching to seriously answer. If you just want to provide for your family, there's nothing wrong with doing what is expected of you and no more. If you really don't like game dev anymore, you could always try finding a job in a game-adjacent field - simulation, gambling software, user experience, education and training software, and so on. Most technical problems are fairly fungible.

That said, sometimes all it takes is a reminder that there are players out there who really do appreciate what we do. I get a tremendous amount of job satisfaction seeing players enjoying the parts of the game I made.

You're feeling some imposter syndrome in your current job

Imposter syndrome is very normal, especially for where you are in your career. It never really goes away, and it will always tell you that what you're doing is scary and that you can always give up and go back. If you're really concerned about your performance on the job, you should talk to your manager about it. Ask for a one-on-one and discuss it. If you're doing fine, your manager will tell you so. If you aren't, your manager will also tell you and likely suggest ways to improve. And, if you really want to take a more junior position, your manager should be able to help you transition to one of those too.

You want a new job with less responsibility

There's nothing wrong with this per se, but accepting a demotion will probably take a toll on your long-term career. At the very least, it is likely that you will be asked about it at any job you apply for in the field, and you may get passed over for roles because the hiring managers consider you too senior for it. This may not matter to you but you should probably consider your long-term vs short-term goals and what it is you want to do with the rest of your career and life. If you've taken the time to consider the ramifications (especially with your family) and still feel like it is the best choice, by all means do it. I caution against making such a long-term decision hastily.

[Join us on Discord] and/or [Support us on Patreon]

Got a burning question you want answered?

Short questions: Ask a Game Dev on Twitter

Long questions: Ask a Game Dev on Tumblr

Frequent Questions: The FAQ