#reader who has everything but still feels so lonely and depressed

[crybaby-bkg]

been wanting to write lately but all of my ideas have been so self indulgent and catered to Me and those usually don’t get as much traction but writing things I don’t care about is so hard for me now and I am. angerey. but wil still make this shit self indulgent ☝🏼

[howlett-n-morgan]

More Than Words

2. Questions

Logan Howlett x OC!Reader

Series Summary: Having lived for over two hundred years and never having the privilege of human touch is the biggest burden imaginable... until someone comes along with the healing ability to withstand the touch of death.

Chapter Warnings: still a lot for now but: mild language, canon typical violence, mention of murder, death, mutant experimentation, and a depressive episode briefly described. Logan is a warning, especially here

Chapter Summary: The bad dreams have ceased, but many questions lurk in their place, and the meaning behind those dreams is still one of them. In the middle of all the chaos, a few things will come to light.

Word Count: 8.4k

“Of everyone here, I didn’t expect you to be keeping a stash,” he sat down on the edge of your bed, facing your back as you were hunched over the desk, writing sloppily a few notes for tomorrow morning. “I asked Scott and Storm, they had nothin…”

You put your headset on this morning. You usually only used it to drown out everything else when you really needed to. Everyone has noticed except those who don’t know what it means. Those who do, remember the times in which you were at your lowest. Back then you were practically unable to function without the damn headphones over your ears. The last time you even remember wearing them was when you first started teaching here, all the noise and rapid energy being quieted by the music in your head.

 After last night, and the confessions made to Logan, he seemed to be open to hearing more from you then… but he kept you at arm’s reach now, and you couldn’t say you didn’t understand why. He’s not just been thrust into the middle of an age-old fight between friends, but he also is struggling with his identity. 

You did however learn something interesting after hearing chatter when you woke up. Logan and Scott aren't getting along. Why? Because Logan has been relentlessly flirting with Jean. You’d scoffed when you found out. Not because you don’t think Jean is worthy of such advances, but because he was basically shooting himself in the foot by even trying to take her from Scott. 

Jean is a rare bird, and a special person. Charles argues the same thing about everyone who sets foot on the property, but with her, it’s especially true. She’s smarter than most people you know, having gone to a college outside of the education given by Charles and the others. She even attended school alongside you for a while, although it only took you a few semesters to realize you weren’t cut out for the medical field like she was. You have to be able to touch your patients, after all.

She had a lot to offer, and anyone could see that. Even excluding her powers, which were enough to level a city on their own. She was kind, nurturing, and very strategic. All of those things combined with the looks of a super model made her one of the most desirable people in the entire mansion, so even though you and Logan made a connection, you don’t find it hard to see why he’s taken with her. 

It may bother you just a little, but you would never admit it to anyone who asked, not even Charles. 

All of this is not why you put on your headset, but it could be a contributing factor. 

You’ve just met Logan, or at least officially. It stands to reason that you shouldn’t have an inkling of feelings yet. You can’t imagine that would be how it goes. In any rational situation, you have to get to know him. That’s how relationships work.

You remember how it was with Charlie, how it took more than one night of talking late when everyone else was asleep. You got to know him, and got to see his kindness and compassionate heart. You’d seen who he truly was, and it warmed your heart and soul, despite not being able to touch him. You don’t know Logan yet, but you imagine he’s not as soft and kind, nor gentle or compassionate. He seems like sort of a lone wolf, and the type to push away everything except for what he’s got his eyes set on. You don’t even know if the connection you made was real, or if he was just looking for company…

He has nightmares, but you don’t know why. It’s only one relation, that’s all. Maybe he’d only asked you to stay because he was frightened of them, just like you are of yours.

You’d gone back to your room near the hours of sunrise, and fell back asleep before your alarm woke you, but you were still exhausted, and wondered if he was facing the same conundrum. It was only when you went to ask him about it that he became colder to you than the night before. He’d given a stiff answer and gone about his morning, which you were confused by, since he wasn’t a student, nor a teacher.

You passed him in the halls throughout the day, and nodded to him with a sweet smile. He doesn’t really return it, just kept walking. You think that maybe he just didn’t see you, or was on his way to do something else and couldn’t pay attention, but then at dinner he refuses to look at you, and you can’t for the life of you understand why. 

You decide to block him out, to deal with the more pressing matters. The school, the mutant rebellion, and Rogue, the newest recruit. 

She’s like you in a few ways, and you feel sorry for her. You hope that by passing on some stories that maybe she can find hope in her powers. They are a gift and a curse, but she holds them wonderfully well already.

You found her on the back balcony, overlooking the gardens. She’d been sitting alone for about an hour, but didn’t seem to be bothered, just enjoying the peace. You debated whether or not you should disrupt it, but the second she heard you behind her, she turned. 

You had been organizing things back where they go, following the mess of mutant children to try and keep the house in good shape, and now that you’d found yourself with her, you wanted to say a few things. You peeled your headset off and sat beside her, offering a smile first. Her energy felt stiff, like she’d been unwelcome where she was. 

“You settled in yet?” 

She shrugged, unsure of what to say. Even in a place full of people like her, she was an outsider. “I guess I’m getting there.”

It was silent for a moment, and you sensed her energy was low and draining. She must have been sad, or angry, or even flat our forlorn about her powers and the danger they hold. 

“Y’know, when I first found out about my powers, it was the worst day of my life,” you started, but quickly followed up, knowing the words were not inspiring. “They are a blessing and a curse, but for most of my life they were a curse… until the Professor found me. Now, I’ve learned to use them to help people. You can, too.”

It should have helped, but her feelings on the power she held didn’t waver, she just wanted to know what she was in for, and you knew better than anyone what she would face.

“Did you ever… hurt anyone?” she asked sincerely, turning to face you but managing the distance. Both your touches were lethal and dangerous.

“Yeah,” you sighed, looking out to the gardens and hoping that the serene ambience would keep you in a good state of mind. “Most of them were the people closest to me. Always an accident, but still a deadly one.”

“I’m sorry,” she dropped her head, unsure of herself now, too. She didn’t know how to control it, or even subdue it. It may not even be possible. 

“Don’t be sorry, it was a long time ago… I’m a lot more careful now.”

“They told me how old you were, how long you’ve been around…” she trailed, looking for a good way to ask such a terrible question. “How have you lived that long without being able to touch the people you love?” 

You understood why she was asking. Of course, she was concerned about her future, but also her present. She’s a runaway, who’s left her entire family because of her ability. She must be feeling the lonesomeness that all mutants inevitably face at one point in their lives.

“I don’t know,” you shrugged, trying not to become emotional. You’ve loved many people in your lifetime, many people you’ve lost early, or at the right time, but you could never go with them. You can’t seem to die, but everyone else does when you need them the most. “I think that being here is really what saved me. Not only knowing there are others like me, but knowing I can have a family who doesn’t fear me, doesn’t judge me. Even knowing all the things I’ve done.”

“You didn’t do them on purpose, did you?” 

“No,” you shook your head. “But I’m still responsible for them, for the people I’ve killed.”

You’ve killed people. How many, she doesn’t know, but she feels as though you’re the only person that can understand her. That can understand being afraid of herself and what she can do to others. She knows that you’ve probably gone decades and decades just trying to learn how to be more careful, and that she’ll have to learn, too. 

“You said you’d hurt people you love… what happened?” 

This was a very soft spot for you. Even after a century, it was still an open wound. Something that would never fully heal, because there was no way to achieve closure over it. What’s lost is gone, and your powers were the cause.

“I was engaged once,” you dropped your gaze to your lap, looking at your hands and the way they were so well fitted with the green gloves. You practically never took them off. 

“Engaged?” 

“Yeah, engaged. I’d somehow managed to find the single man in the entire universe that didn’t require me to touch him to achieve his affection…” You trailed, trying not to go into detail. Searching for a small distraction, you fiddled with the hem of your sweater, pulling loose threads to ignore the sad memories. “I touched him by accident.”

“And he died?” She widened her eyes, both upset for you and becoming more afraid of herself. She doesn’t want to fall in love, not if she’s going to hurt that person eventually. 

“He did,” you wiped your hand over your eyes before any tears could even fall, and then let it rest back in your lap. “But you’re not gonna make the same mistake that I did, I promise. I’ll help you.”

“You will?” Her eagerness to accept the assistance was clear. “Thank you.”

“Of course… and don’t give up hope. There could be someone out there that can withstand your powers just as they are.” 

Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to offer such things to her, but it seemed like the right thing to do.

Her brow furrowed, unsure if what you were saying was true. From your earlier words, you’ve been around a long time and it’s never happened for you. “Sounds impossible.”

“It’s not impossible,” you told her, standing up from beside her on the bench. “Nothing is impossible.”

You left her on that note, and went back inside. 

-

On your way up to bed, you caught Logan in the hallway. You gave a tight lipped smile on the way to your door, expecting him to be cold like he was throughout the day… but he fell into stride next to you, walking to his own door. 

“You guys got anything good to drink around here?” he asked, partially as a joke, but usually never going without a drink for more than a day was catching up to him. 

“This is a school, Logan,” you turned to him with a laugh and a light smile. Maybe he’d struck out with Jean and was off her coattails now. 

“Well I can see that, but I figured with a limited number of adults chasing after a million kids, someone’s gotta be drinking at the end of the day,” he leaned against his door frame, and you had completely turned to face him, neglecting your door knob which you had reached for originally. 

You huffed a sigh, shaking your head at him. You may or may not have a bottle of Jack hidden where no one can find it. If anyone in this hell hole had a reason to drink it was you, but you never did it in front of the kids, or nearly anyone else. You reckon Charles or Ororo would march up to you if they found out, voicing their concern. 

“Stay quiet, and don’t say a word about this to anyone…” You opened the door, letting him follow you in before closing it and locking the knob. “Under the bed, back right corner.”

You allowed him to go fishing for it himself, going to your desk in the corner to make sure you were caught up on everything and prepared for tomorrow’s history quiz before you settled in for the night. He’d already been ready for bed, seemingly just roaming the halls and looking for alcohol at this late hour. 

“Of everyone here, I didn’t expect you to be keeping a stash,” he sat down on the edge of your bed, facing your back as you were hunched over the desk, writing sloppily a few notes for tomorrow morning. “I asked Scott and Storm, they had nothin…”

“I surprised you, huh?” you ask, not even throwing a look over your shoulder. You may have an interest in this man, but since you started teaching here you were always efficient, and that wasn’t going to stop now. 

“Yeah, a little,” he chuckled, taking swigs straight from the bottle. It had been more than half full the last time you drank from it, so there was a decent amount. “You just seem like the innocent one.”

This made you drop what you were doing and spin your chair around. “Innocent?” 

He smirked at your furrowed brows, but having known of your mutation, he was willing to guess everything and even bet on it. “I believe that’s what I said.”

You tilted your head at him, the look on your face making him grin even more. 

“I don’t think I like that word,” you leaned back in your seat, crossing your arms over your chest and thinking of all the reasons why. “I’ve done and seen things that would be considered unfathomable to other people.”

“I don’t mean how dangerous you are, I mean how corrupted you are,” he kept on, another swig taken from the bottle. “And I think you’re innocent.”

“I still don’t like it,” you shook your head, laughing a little and reaching for the bottle, which he was all too happy to hand over, fingers brushing your gloved hands. “I prefer inexperienced.”

“Does it matter? It means the same thing,” he argued, watching you take a nice lengthy drink of the whiskey in your hand. 

“It does matter, actually,” you were all too happy to correct him. “Innocence implies that my mind is pure of corruption, but really, I’ve just never been able to do the things I’ve thought about.”

He rolled his eyes, taking back the bottle and trying to keep up with you. He pointed to your head with a swirling finger. “Yeah right, I’m sure you’re just all kinds of perverted up there.”

You just giggled and looked at him for a moment. He was funny, he was handsome, and he was clearly interested in your favorite choice of alcohol. Just more things to connect on, you supposed. Maybe feelings weren’t so far down the road, after all. 

You blinked out of it when you realized you’d been looking at his bare arms for too long, the beater he wore left little to the imagination as to how fit he was, and it was a nice view to take in, but not this late, and certainly not with a bottle of Jack. 

“I should be getting to bed soon, big test tomorrow…” you trailed, standing up and going to the door. It was late, no one else should be awake, but you still wanted to make sure. “You can take the whiskey for the road, if you want.”

“I’ll get you another one,” he returned, knowing that by the end of the night, the bottle was likely to be empty. He’d not had Jack Daniel’s in a while, so he was grateful for the favor. 

“No need,” you shook your head as he met you in the doorway, peering down and clearly shadowing you under his tall form. You had to take a breath and smile to break the tension you felt, as it was thick and heated. “I really should stop drinking here, anyway.”

“I’m happy to pick it up in your place,” he smirked, still standing right in front of you. If anyone had stepped out of their room, they’d see how close he was looming. 

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” You asked hopefully, knowing full well that he could respond with an empty promise, and still be cold to you as he was today. 

“Yeah, I’ll see you.” 

And he left without another word.

-

You awoke in the middle of the night to chaos in the hallway. You were surprised not to be plagued with nightmares for once, but the screams of your next door neighbor didn’t exactly settle you back into your pillows. You heard footsteps outside your door, and when you sat up, Ororo opened the door without knocking, the urgency of whatever situation that had happened started to set in. 

“There’s been an accident,” she looked to you with an expression of fear and shock, leaving the doorway as soon as she could see you were scrambling to your feet.

You could feel the energy, it was all over the place. Kids were scared, and so were some of the adults, Ororo being one of them. You ran into the room, avoiding the touch of everyone you passed by, and stared at the scene playing out. 

“What happened?” you rushed over to where Jean and Scott were hovering over Logan, his unconscious body thrown over the bed and seemingly in a state of paralysis. 

“Rogue, she touched him,” Jean was working the best she could to try and keep him from death’s door, but even with her skilled hands, she looked afraid. “He’s fading quickly, she may have drained too much of his regeneration.”

You tried to think quickly on your feet. She drained his regenerative energy, but you could restore it. The manipulation of energy was clearly something you were all too familiar with, but you were afraid if his regeneration was too low that he might die from your mutation. 

If he’s already going to die, you’re going to do the only thing you know how to try and save him. 

“Jean, move,” you reach for him, and she practically dives out of the way of your bare hands. 

“You’ll kill him!”

“Just trust me,” you said, your hands finding his shoulders. You heard gasps behind you when your skin met his, and they all started whispering, assuming that if he wasn’t dead before, he definitely was now. 

You focused your energy on him, using what was inside of you and around you to build back up what had been inside of him. His mutation, his strength and endurance, and most of all, his healing capability. 

“Alice, he’s dead,” Scott nearly scolded you, shaking his head. He wasn’t fond of the man, but that didn’t mean he wished him to die… and now he had, by your hand or Rogue he wasn’t sure. “What did you do?” 

You ignored him, and all the ones whispering behind you. You could feel his life force, like a branch in the air around you, reaching out just the smallest bit, but not strong enough to hold growth yet. You were slowly building it, letting it stretch out until his own body could take it from there. 

When he took a sharp inhale of breath and his chest started to rise and fall again, everyone nearly fell over out of shock. No one said a word yet, because they were too stunned to speak. 

Logan was still in bad condition, but you trusted that his healing could help him out from here. You pulled him onto your lap, head resting against your body as you felt for a steady pulse, and saw the color returning to his hands and arms. 

“I got you,” you whispered, holding him close. This was the first person that you’d ever been able to save with your touch, as before, it killed everyone who came across it.

“Alice?” Jean called from behind your shoulder, her mouth still agape and her eyes wide. “Alice!”

You looked to her, only slightly fearful that she may tell Charles about this, and then you’ll be in for an earful. He was the hand that guided you along the terrible pathways of your life, but he was also the one who reprimanded you when need be. 

“He’s alright,” you promised her, but she still didn’t come closer. Scott however, was completely baffled and had a million questions. 

“How did you do that? You can’t touch anyone-”

“I can touch him,” you answered shortly, your arms still wrapped tight around his limp form. “Just him.”

Jean shook her head and snapped out of her train of thought. There was too much to be asked, but this was not the time for it. Logan still needed more treatment, despite the help you gave. You stood up to accommodate her, keeping your eyes on Logan and making sure he was still okay. You could feel his energy restacking, like building blocks in the air around you. 

“Start talking,” Scott pressed, the urgent situation now overshadowed by a need for answers. Ororo joined Scott in front of you, her expression holding more than just shock at this point. She looked nearly excited, but you couldn’t say why. 

“I know him,” you said, trying to start slowly, but knowing the two of them, it wouldn;t be good enough. “When Striker had us, he got Logan, too. He doesn’t remember it, but he saved my life… yours too, Scott.”

“That…” he trailed, shaking his head. He’d done the same thing that you’d done. He blocked it out of his memory. That didn’t mean that it didn’t happen. You just had a better reason to remember it. “That can’t be possible… he’s touched you before?” 

“He practically dragged me out of that cell,” you told him, and he recalled the day of the mutant prison break. He remembers a man helping them, but never imagined it could have been Logan. 

“How is it possible? I’ve seen you drop some of the most powerful mutants where they stand, no one survives being touched by you,” Ororo was the one to pitch in this time, her question not so much one of what, but how?

“His regenerative ability. The way Charles used to explain my powers to me, he said to think of my skin like a radioactive energy poison. When such a poison is absorbed into one’s body it can cause it to shut down. My powers work the same way, just a thousand times stronger and faster. The thing is,” you pointed behind you, where Logan was slowly gaining small bits of health. “His regen mutation never allows my energy to be absorbed… I can’t kill him.”

“Scott?” Jean called from the ground, trying and failing to lift Logan on her own. “Gonna need a little help here. I need him in the med bay.”

Scott shook off the conversation, focusing on the matter at hand. 

When Jean and Scott got Logan through the crowd of kids, they all dispersed back to their rooms. The only two remaining were you and Ororo. 

She stared at you for a moment, wondering if you were going to leave, but then watched as you shuffled around in Logan’s things, looking for what you leant to him. You were hoping by some miracle that there would be some left. 

“Aha,” you let out, grabbing the bottle from inside the dresser drawer, unscrewing the cap and taking a swig. There wasn’t much, but there was enough to ease your mind at this late hour. “Want some?” 

“You really think this is a good time to be drinking?” she scoffed, crossing her arms and watching you fall back onto the foot of his bed. 

“I think it’s the perfect time to be drinking,” you held it out to her, wondering if she’d actually take it. 

She tried to keep her adult habits outside of the school, but these were tumultuous times, and she supposed it wouldn’t hurt to allow it under the circumstances. 

Out of the silence, she turned to you, right as you took your next slow gulp of the smooth liquor. 

“So,” her pause and sigh were unneeded. You knew what she was about to be getting on about. “You can touch him…”

“Yep,” you looked at her, a thin lipped smile on your face. You really didn’t have much else to say, but she did. 

“I know you never got over Charlie,” she spoke gently, not wanting to pinch a nerve, or bring up bitterness in a moment like this. The calm after the storm, no pun intended. “But maybe this is your chance…”

“A chance to what?” 

“You know what I’m talking about,” she leaned into your eyeline, still careful to stray from any of your exposed skin. 

“Yeah,” you muttered, “I know.” And then with the last swig in the bottle, you felt the warmth of the drink, and the tiniest bit of a buzz. “I don’t think Logan’s that kinda guy.”

“You don’t think he’d commit to a relationship?” 

“I don’t think he’d commit to me,” you corrected, shrugging your shoulders. You wished you had more to drink after that revelation, but unfortunately, this empty bottle contained the only bit of alcohol on the entire property. 

“He seems loyal, maybe you just need to know him better,” she encouraged, bumping her clothed shoulder with yours. Always a kind gesture, one of friendship and to show she held no fear of you like others did. 

“He doesn’t even know himself,” you chuckled a little. It may have been a bit of a mean joke to make, because you can’t even imagine how hard it is for him, but still you laugh, because you know him better than he does. “I know who he was that day.”

“When he saved you?” 

“Yeah, saved everyone,” you dropped your head, focusing on your hands and trying to keep your mind from falling down any bunny trails. “He was a hero. I think he still might be.”

“You should tell him that.”

“I did,” you chuckled, tossing the whiskey bottle back into the soft pillows of the bed to rid your hands of it. “He didn’t believe a word I was telling him…”

She sighed, knowing that with your stubbornness, and your fear of hurting people, you may opt to keep him at arms length, regardless of his ability to touch you. She knew about Charlie, and what you did to him. She knew you’d sworn off love since that day, over a hundred years ago… but she still had hope that this could turn into a part of your happiness. 

“Don’t give up on him so fast, alright?” She asked, her eyes turning to that of a puppy dog, pulling at your heart and nearly making you comply. 

“I won’t.”

-

Rogue went missing the next day, and while you’d been chomping at the bit to find her, you were unfortunately called to the office of the professor. You wondered if you were in for a stern talking to after the previous night’s events. 

“Take a seat,” he began, staring out the open window at the setting sun, and the children on property who were playing in the grass before dark. 

You did as you were told, not because you wanted to, but because you respected Charles enough to listen to whatever diatribe he was about to drone on. 

“I’ve had quite a few people visit my office today on your account,” he turned his chair around, his face not one of disappointment like you thought it would be. He didn’t look upset at all, nor did he look like he was going to reprimand you for being careless with your abilities. “I must say, I was surprised to hear of what happened.”

“I know it was careless of me,” you defended, unknowing if it was even necessary, but wanting to cover your bases, anyways. “But I can explain.”

“There’s no need to put up an argument, my dear.”

“There’s not?” 

He chuckled and shook his head, a small smile spreading over his cheeks. “Not at all. In fact, I’m actually quite happy for you.”

“Happy for me?” you asked another question, the reasoning for your visit becoming more unclear. 

“I know how long you’ve suffered,” he sighed, his tone returning to something more serious. “I have felt your anger and bitterness towards your abilities. I’ve sensed your hatred of them for years.”

“That was before,” you tried to interject, to tell him how thankful you were for his training. “But you taught me they were not just a curse, but also a blessing.”

“And do you really think I believe you when you say it? Miss Beckett, I’ve known you more than half my life… I can read your mind without entering it by now.”

You knew that if anyone could understand you it was him. You could feel other’s energy, but when he entered someone’s mind he could feel that and so much more. He could feel emotions, think that person’s thoughts, and even see what they see. 

“You knew all this time, then?” 

“I did,” he nodded, but didn’t stop there. “I knew that no matter what I did, it wouldn’t change your burdens.”

You ducked your head, thinking back to the times you’d lied, telling everyone that things were better. Truthfully, as a person you felt less alone, less hated and less dangerous… but you never felt loved. You couldn’t. No one could, or wanted to touch you, knowing your mutation.

“Scott told me about Logan, how you’d all met once before,” he said, turning the conversation back around to that of a better note. “When you’d repressed the memories of what Agent Striker had done, you’d forgotten him… but you didn’t forget what he did for you, and you didn’t forget a special detail.”

“He touched me,” you filled in the blank, waiting for him to continue. 

“Precisely.”

“I think…” you trailed, unsure of where this chat was going to lead. If Ororo had come to him, you were sure the thoughts exchanged the night before had come up, even if it was just meant to help you. “I think he may have feelings for… someone else.”

Charles nodded, he’d not purposely looked into Logan’s mind, but when Jean was stirring restlessly in the late evening, he took a peek inside hers, seeing the struggle to combat Logan and his advances.

“I understand,” he responded, but thought it was worth mentioning what he knew. “But his advances are pointless.”

“I still don’t want to get my hopes up,” you reasoned, a good point to be made considering his behavior towards you. “I’m getting too old for shit like this, you know?”

His understanding went without saying, he remembers your past, and knows of the only person you ever truly loved. It was a story for the ages with a tragic ending that would even make the bravest of men shed a tear. 

“Of course.”

You waited for him to dismiss you, and when he nodded to you in finality, you stood up from your seat. 

“Stay open minded, my dear, you don’t know where your path may lead.”

You hummed in acknowledgement, giving him a smile as you left the room. 

“Thank you, Charles.”

First Ororo, and now Charles. Your biggest cheerleaders since they met you… you love them both, and want to listen to them, but you are older therefore wiser, and must protect yourself from things that aren’t good for you. Everyday you grow older but your face and body stay the same. Your mentality weakens when you realize you’ve still got so much life to live, and it burdens you more when you struggle to live it alone. Having someone by your side would be the answer to your every prayer, the reason you could keep going. But you know you can’t endure another heartbreak, you won’t survive it. 

-

It’s been days, nearly a week. Your mind is frazzled, and you think that maybe it’s time for a break. A quiet time to let your mind rest and restore itself. 

So much has happened, and you can’t put your finger on what was the most stressful part of it all. The quickness, the escalation, the chaos… or what it almost cost you. 

Erik is temporarily defeated, but you know he’ll keep at it in the future. There were several mutants in his gathering that were unapprehended after the final battle. It will make for an interesting hunt that the X-men get to pursue.

One of which you wouldn't mind letting go about her business for a while. You knew Mystique when she went by Raven. 

So much has changed since then, and you've changed with the time gone by.

There's still something on your mind after everything that's happened this week, and of course that something is Logan. His past, his present, and what he wants to do with his future. 

He’s an X-man now, a part of the team and a member of the mutant family… but he searches for who he is, and you can sympathize with that, especially because of what he did for you. He didn’t just do it for you, but with the state you were in, he could have passed your cell, given up on you. Instead, he practically carried you out of that prison, never knowing how lethal your touch was. He saved you and gave you the greatest gift you’d received. Hope. A fresh start. The thought that life didn’t have to be such a burden. 

The kids were settled in early this evening, after the late night that was pulled the day prior, they needed to catch up on their rest… but Logan was having a hard time sleeping. You were, too. 

It was about eleven when he came knocking on the door, softly so nobody else would hear him. Ororo was behind the door next over from yours, her light on beneath the slit in that door, and he mentally kicked himself for even doing this at all, so late at night. 

When you cracked open your own door, peeking through to see who it was, you were surprised at the man standing in the doorway. 

“Logan? What are you doing up? It’s late…”

“Yeah, I know,” he whispered, just above the level you were speaking at, voice barely audible. “I wanted to talk to you.”

You were unsure of what there was to talk about, really. It had been radio silence since the mission, and you figured he wanted some space after something like that… it wasn’t unusual for an X-man, but you didn’t know him as well, so you didn’t know what you were supposed to expect. 

“Can I come in?” he asked, and it was only now that you realized you’d been frozen in your spot, a furrowed brow worn on your face. 

“Yeah, sorry.”

You closed the door behind him when he passed through, going back to your bed to sit down. He followed suit, and it was nearly a reverse image of the first night he arrived. 

“I wanted to thank you,” he cleared his throat, trying to sound grateful. “For saving my life. Jean told me what you did.”

You smiled a little and scoffed, shaking your head and waving him off. “Don’t thank me… I actually endangered your life.”

“I’m still here, aren’t I? Whatever you did, it saved me.”

“I had no idea that it would, it could have gone either way,” you argued, not for the sake of being right, but because you didn’t want him to think you’d done something extraordinary or heroic. You were actually being quite selfish in your actions. 

“You like to argue a lot, huh?” he teased, remembering the last one on one conversation you both had. You would admit, you didn’t like being wrong. You’d gotten it in your head that after being alive for so long, you ought to know more than everyone. 

“Well, I am a lawyer,” you shrugged, a slight smirk on your face. You’d never practiced in a firm, or even got a law related job, but you liked to remind people of it here and there, it was always entertaining. 

“I noticed that certificate on your wall the other night, noticed em’ all, actually…” he trailed, throwing a glance over his shoulder to check and make sure they were all still there. He’d come to the conclusion that you were intelligent the first time you met, your dialect being very formal for the age he thought you were… but above that, you carried yourself in a way that spoke to being knowledgeable. 

“Oh, those?” you laughed, tilting your head and making a silly face in their direction. “Those are nothing, just reminders of all the times I’ve been bored.”

“Bored? You’re kidding me,” he mused, crossing his arms and chuckling. 

“Maybe I also wanted to better myself a little,” you answered truthfully, rolling your eyes after getting it out. He didn’t seem like the scholarly type. Not a bad thing by any means, but you were sure his abilities far accelerated him in other occupations before he ended up here.

“Well whatever the reason, you’ve clearly done good,” he complimented, and you were certainly not complaining. Getting compliments from your friends, from your mutant family, it uplifted you… but getting a compliment from him? It felt different, more weighted. “And whatever you did to save me, that was good too.”

“I didn’t even know it would work,” you huffed, looking down at your hands. You hadn’t touched him since he came in, and you weren’t sure if it was because you were doing so purposely, or if you just hadn’t gotten the opportunity. “I honestly thought I might kill you faster…”

“Then why would you have tried it?” He couldn’t believe you. A smart girl like you, with the power you held? It seemed out of character to make a decision like that.

“Honestly?” you raised your brows, thinking of a sentence that didn’t sound weird, or selfish. “I was scared you were gonna die before I could know you.”

He tilted his head slightly in confusion. “You want to know me?” 

“I do,” you nodded with a sheepish smile. Thank God for the darkness in the room, because you’re sure your face is turning red. “I mean, it’s not everyday that I meet someone I can shake hands with, so…”

He laughed a little, reaching out playfully for a handshake. You smiled wide, taking his hand and giving it a nice firm shake. You’ve shaken hands when wearing gloves, but it’s just not the same. You’ve touched others while wearing them, too. But the skin contact you’ve always been deprived of, it’s something that sends chills down your spine, no matter how simple the gesture is. Even just a handshake. 

“I’d like you to know me too, but there’s just one problem with that,” he sighs, shaking his head in a bit of something akin to sadness. “I don’t know me.”

You can’t stand to see that look on his face. His hand was still wrapped around yours, now resting on his knee and near your lap. An idea springs to your mind, and though it’s a terrible one, you think about all the good it could produce in the long run. 

“What if I could help you remember?” You suggested, grabbing his attention almost immediately. “You’ve said you don’t remember anything past fifteen years ago… that’s when you saved me from Striker.”

“You think you could help me?” 

“I can try, I owe it to you.” Your reasoning made him turn the idea over in his head, but he wasn’t sure of how you planned to help him, exactly. “Something must have happened that day to make you forget… we can go back to the base, look for answers, see if anything triggers your memories?” 

It was a bold move, but you had to take it. No matter what happened the other night, you still owe him your life, and this could be a way to even the playing field. 

“You’d take me there?” he asked sincerely, a bit surprised that you would even offer, considering what he knew of your time in that prison. You shouldn’t want to return at all, but what’s worse is you want to do it for him. 

“I would… If you want me to.” 

He grinned, his look of bewilderment still laced in. “I would be grateful, if you could.”

“It’s settled then.”

He nodded to you, and you both gave a glance to the door. It was time to say goodnight, though you wanted him to stay and talk till sunrise. You had so many questions, about him, about his life since Striker, and even about his abilities… but it would have to wait till another time. 

He got up, and you followed, getting to the door before you heard voices outside of it. 

“It’s Ororo,” you sighed, turning to him and huffing. “I don’t know who she’s talking to…”

“I better not let her see me sneaking around this late,” he said, looking back at you with a comical expression. “I have a feeling that she’ll tattle on me.”

“You’re right, she would.” You stood with your ear to the door, hearing that the other voice in the hall was Jean. They were talking about you, and you figured it was not a good time to let the Wolverine go traipsing out of your room. “You know, you don’t have to go… if you don’t want to. You could just stay here tonight.”

His smirk held a bout of confidence before he spoke, “You sure I’m not crowding your space?” 

“I’ve got plenty of room,” You nodded to the queen bed you’d stood up from. In all truthfulness, it was a big bed to sleep in alone, and you’d been forced to for over a decade. “You also just happen to be the only person who wouldn’t die if I accidentally kicked you in the middle of the night.”

He laughed, nodding his head. He didn’t want to leave in the first place, he just felt like maybe he’d been imposing. Tough luck on that, because if you had your way, he’d stay longer than just the night. 

“With an argument like that, how can I say no?” 

“I might not sleep for a while, though… so if you wanna turn in, be my guest,” you sat back on the bed, shoving your walkman with the headphones to your side so he could settle in next to you. 

“Couldn’t really sleep already, that's why I came here in the first place.” He started eyeballing the walkman, scooting in closer to where you sat, legs crossed and back against your pillows and headboard. “You got music?” 

“Oh, uh… yeah, just a little mixtape I’ve been listening to.” 

You’d just rewound the tape earlier, and almost put it over your ears when you found you couldn’t sleep. Maybe it would have settled the noise in your brain… but Logan seemed to do a pretty good job of that, too.

“May I?” He gently reached for the set, and your heart stuttered in beat when you saw the sweet look in his eyes.

“Yeah, of course,” You handed it over with a smile, no hesitation, even though this new mixtape was built primarily on the feelings for him you’d been fighting. “It’s mostly just girl stuff…”

He put the headphones on and started listening, and you felt a bit awkward just watching him listen to the music, unsure if he would piece anything together or not. 

The first song played was Fields of Gold by Sting… just a soft ballad that made you think of what life might be like if things were different. 

By the second song, you pulled the plug of the headphones, letting the music play softly through the speaker instead so you could both hear it. It felt much better when you could listen to the music yourself. Music always calmed you down, made you feel more at ease.

You helped him fast forward through some of the songs he seemed bored during, but he stopped you on a few, nodding his head and smiling as the music filled his ears. 

“You like this one?” You asked, watching him start tapping his fingers to the song I Was Made For Lovin’ You by Kiss.

“This is my kinda music, right here,” he laughed, letting loose a little, breaking down his tough exterior just slightly so you could see the softness lurking behind. 

The noise from outside your door had long gone, but Logan didn’t seem eager to leave whatsoever… you did after all invite him to stay. 

When the song Wicked Game came on, you opted to skip it, and he grabbed the tips of your fingers to pull your hand away and ask why. The intro kept playing, the somber guitar filling the air between you. 

“It’s a sad song, kinda haunting,” you explained, but the real reason you were trying to skip it was because you’d rewound this one a bit too much when thinking about him, the lyrics seeming to match up to every time you looked at him the way you were now. “It’s not as fun as the others.”

“I’ll be the judge of that,” he said, taking the walkman and holding it so that you couldn’t skip the song yet. 

World was on fire, and no one could save me but you

Strange what desire will make foolish people do

You looked up at him and he seemed to really be into the music, but his brow was furrowed, like he was thinking about it in real time. 

I never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you

You had to look away from him for a moment, your face turning red and your eyes falling to your lap.

And I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you

No, I don’t wanna fall in love

No, I don’t wanna fall in love… with you

You took a glance back up, seeing his face and the way it seemed to turn almost upset by the lyrics. You almost thought about reaching for the walkman, but his death grip on it looked too strong to break. 

“The next one is pretty good,” you smiled, trying to lighten the mood. He broke out of his trance and nodded, handing the device back to you. 

The smooth and laid back energy returned to the room, and you could feel the peace of it engulfing you as you absorbed the energy from the air. It fed you, made you stronger, happier. 

You couldn’t even help yourself by the time it got to the end of the playlist, the last song making you quietly sing aloud in front of someone you barely know… which was strange considering you wouldn’t even sing in front of your dearest and closest friends. 

The song just did that to you… it used to remind you of a love you once lost, but because of the lyrics, you were starting to associate the beautiful melody with another face. The one looking back at you with a small lip tug of a smile. 

The song in question? More Than Words by Extreme. 

You didn’t look at him when you sang it, because you were already falling too hard, too fast. You needed to slow down… but just thinking about the lyrics… 

More than words, is all you have to do to make it real

Touching someone for the first time is more than words can express… sitting side by side with someone without fear of hurting them means more than words could possibly say.

When the song ended you stopped the tape, setting it to rewind and putting it over on your bedside table. 

“Not bad… that last one, I’ve heard it a few times somewhere else. It’s pretty good.”

“Yeah, I like it better than the others,” you said jokingly, as if he couldn’t already tell by how easily the words came out of your mouth. “Saved the best for last, right?” 

“I’d say so,” he wouldn’t look anywhere else but you, and you felt so powerless under his stare. You were folding in record time, and honestly at this point, you’d count it as a miracle if you made it out of this night without ruining it all.

“You tired yet?” you asked, changing the subject and pulling back your sheets. 

“I’m getting there…” 

His soft and pretty hazel eyes were starting to make you wish you’d not invited him. He was making this difficult. You wanted to know him, and not just physically. There would be time for that, but you had to wait and make sure he was the one.  You weren’t willing to let yourself love him to the ends of the earth if you weren’t going to be able to keep him. It would just haunt you for the rest of your long and burdened life.

“Me too, but uh… I’m gonna try and finish my book,” you smiled, reaching for the novel on your bedside table. Fahrenheit 451. “So, just turn in whenever you’re tired.”

He debated asking you about the book, but ultimately decided that he’d bothered you enough for one night. It seemed like something he might research himself, if it was something you like. You obviously have good taste in music, maybe he ought to give reading the same books as you a try. 

He’d never admit it, because it wasn’t like him to do such a thing, but he liked being around you. Liked touching you. The energy you gave off was pleasant, and every time your skin connected, he absorbed a little bit of it from you. Something that would kill anyone else, he got to experience first hand. 

He smiled and lied down, giving a glance over his shoulder before he settled in. Your bed was warmer than his, more comfortable, too. “G’night, Alice.”

Your grin compared to his was like a young schoolgirl, completely and utterly lovestruck for the boy you met last week. 

“Night, Logan.”

Tags: @ayamenimthiriel @levislegislation @reidsworld @melsunshine @clairealeehelsing

[sunburnhurts]

Tired || Bruce Wayne x fem!Reader (Battinson)

Summary: Y/n has been supportive of her husband's secret life, but she is exhausted. A year after their separation, they are reunited at Don Mitchell's funeral. The beginning of the story is before the movie, and ofc the mayor's funeral is an event in the movie. The mayors funeral scene isn't exactly like how it was in the movie, but somewhat close.

Words: 2,426

All My Stories

A/n: Hey guys! I haven't posted in a while, I'm so sorry!! I've decided to start doing batman stories, but I'm still doing Cedric ones too! Requests are open! I also wanted to add I have a lot of drafts, so I haven't posted in a while, but I have some stories in the process!

Y/n listens as her husband, Bruce Wayne, shuffles off their bed, onto his feet. She hears his feet against the hardwood floor echoing the dead silent room. She hates it, him waking up in the middle of the night to be Batman.

Ever since he started being Batman, he's been distant. He slowly stopped touching her over the years. He's always be in a different room, on a different end of the couch, different end of the bed.

At first, she excused it as him being tired from saving the city. She would curse herself for being selfish, why should she be complaining when he is saving human beings, bringing good to Gotham? Then she got tired of making herself feel bad.

Y/n tried having conversations with Bruce about his sleep schedule, how much he eats, how much time he spends worrying about being Batman. These conversations always ended in arguments or Bruce not responding to whatever his wife said because he was too busy working on his suit.

Alfred of course noticed Bruce's distance from his wife. He would try talking to Bruce about his worry for Y/n, saying she is lonely during the day without her husband. Bruce would always brush off what Alfred said, worried about 'more important' things to him.

It's not like Y/n was a lonely house wife, she was an actress who was on break. Before she met Bruce, she was in big movies, making just enough money to start a family. When she met Bruce, of course her popularity spiked more. A big actress and a billionaire getting married was big news in the press.

She was now on break from her job because everything became too much for her. Her depression grew from lack of love from her husband. She put herself in therapy, which made her realize she wasn't being selfish. She of course didn't tell her therapist about her husband being batman, covering it up as his new job.

Now, she was listening to her husbands feet taping against their hardwood floor. She let out a breath, listening to him step into the elevator that leads to the 'batcave'. She made up her mind, she didn't want to be trapped in her life, in this mansion.

Half an hour later, she got up, walking over the the same elevator and going down.

"Bruce, we have to talk." She said, stepping out of the elevator, walking over to her husband. She had a calmness in her voice. She heard no answer. As soon as she was behind him, she stopped walking. He was working on something on his desk, she didn't care enough to know what he was working on. "Bruce."

After a hum of a response came from her husband, she hesitated with what she was about to say. This scenario seemed much more easier in her head, the countless times she replayed it in her mind. But once she saw him, it was a lot harder than she was expecting.

"I want a divorce." She plainly said. She watched as her husbands head moved, but didn't turn to look at her. "I've been thinking about it a lot-"

"Are you serious?" He said, fully turning his head around to look at his wife. His voice sounded more angry then upset.

"I've been thinking about it a lot," She repeated, ignoring his question. "and I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?" He angrily asked.

"Be ignored!" She shouted, feeling her eyes swell up. She hated that he didn't already know what he's been doing. A clenched jaw was all she got in response. "Bruce," She started. "you haven't touched me in so long."

"I've been busy, you know that."

"You know you're just saying that as an excuse." Hearing this made Bruce turn his body fully to the vulnerable, standing girl. "God, Bruce! I don't even recognize you anymore!"

He shakes his head, scoffing. He moved his eyes everywhere but his wife, his breathing heavy with anger. A ding was heard on his computer, indicating Batman was needed.

"Are you going to get that?" Y/n said, making Bruce's eyes lay on her.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, if you don't be Batman for one night, and you take me back upstairs and show me you love me, I'll take back everything I said about divorce." It was true, one kiss from him would change her mind, she was so desperate for affection and she hated it. She prayed in the back of her mind for him to get up, swoop her in his arms, and take her upstairs. But he stayed still.

He turned his head at the computer, taking a moment to decide. She watched as he got up from his chair, walking over to his suit of armor. Her heart ached. She angled her head to the ground, biting the inside of her lip and bringing her hand up to rub her philtrum. Tears stung her eyes as her throat burned.

She wanted to run to him, grab his face, kiss him. She also wanted to run to him, push him, yell curses at him, ruin all his batman equipment. But she knew better.

Beyond heartbroken, she made her way over to the elevator. She had a slight feeling of selfishness, making him choose between her and a job of a hero, but then she squashed that feeling almost immediately. It should have been obvious to pick his wife, he shouldn't have even had to think about it.

Once Y/n made it back upstairs, she started packing everything. Her clothes, shoes, anything she found that was hers. She couldn't stay there any longer, she couldn't look at Bruce any longer. She was a mess now, tears streaming down her cheeks as she hiccuped her breath.

It wasn't even close to morning, she had no idea where she would be going. Her family didn't live in Gotham, they lived on the other side of the country. She had actor friends that lived near, maybe she could try them. She thought of a girl, Nicole, she worked with that she grew very close with, hoping she could crash at her place for the night.

Y/n took out her phone, clicking on Nicole's contact, and pressing call. She listened to the phone ring while she kept packing her things. "Hello? Y/n?"

"Nicole!" Y/n said in a voice that anyone could tell she was upset. "Um- I'm so sorry for such a late call, I really could use your help right now."

"Of course! What's wrong, sweetie?" Nicole said over the phone. Y/n was younger that Nicole, Nicole was like a mother figure to her.

"I just need a place to stay, only for tonight. I will be out by the morning, I promise." Y/n closed her suitcase, zipped it up and sat on her and Bruce's bed. Her head was in her hands as she tried calming down her tears.

"You can stay for as long as you would like!" Nicole's voice calmed her down, giving her the strength to walk out of the mansion.

After Y/n made a plan to meet Nicole, she hung up and made her way to the kitchen with her bags. Her memory flashed to Alfred, it wasn't fair of her to leave Alfred without saying anything. She didn't want to wake him, so she decided on making a note for him.

She grabbed a note pad and a pen, writing Alfred, thank you for everything you've done for me, I love you so much. - Y/n. Tears stained the sheet of paper, she didn't want to leave Alfred, the man who took her in and loved her when Bruce wouldn't.

When Alfred saw the note, his blood boiled. He knew this was going to happen, but he hated that Bruce let her leave. Alfred immediately busted into Bruce's room, waking Bruce up. "What did you do?" He angrily shouted, holding up the note. "Why did you let her leave?"

Bruce sat up and stretched, waking himself up before he took the note in his hand. He read it, heart beating harder. He thought Y/n just went to sleep in one of their guest bedrooms, he didn't know how serious she was the night prior.

~~~~

Months after the divorce finalized, Y/n was feeling a lot better. She now owned her own house, had a new big movie she was working on, and was happier. She of course never told anyone about Bruce Wayne's big secret, she still respected and loved him. There was no way she couldn't not love him.

Her mind would wonder off, thinking about what would have happened if he did actually pick her up, took her back up to their bedroom, loved her. She wonder if things would have changed, if he actually would have taken her seriously and been better for her. She then would bring herself back to reality, dealing with the harsh reality that that didn't actually happen, and it wasn't going to.

Y/n didn't see Bruce after that night, but she knew he was watching her. She knew what his gaze felt like, she would feel it when she walked on the street, even when she was in her home. Although she was mad at him for spying on her, a part of her loved him for looking after her, for missing her.

The media of course made a big deal about this separation. They created rumors and lies about why they split up, it was always something not even close to the truth. That Bruce cheated on her, that she was having a secret affair with her friend Nicole, or that they both were married as a publicity stunt. It was all stupid.

Whenever Y/n was asked about it in interviews, she would deny the rumors. "It was a 'right person wrong time' kind of thing, I still respect and love him very much." She would always say something of that sort to the public. It was true. She would never answer personal questions about Bruce. Mostly she was asked why he was so reserved for being so well known.

Every now and then, Y/n watched the news about what Batman did the night before. She hated that even after the divorce, he still was saving the city, but what was he supposed to do now? He now didn't have a wife to come home to, how else was he supposed to fill his time, how else was he supposed to take his anger out?

He hated himself for picking being Batman, he missed his wife so much. He ate less, slept less, breathed less. He always wanted to reach out, he wanted to hear her voice, smell her scent, feel her touch. He now knew this is how she felt when he was ignoring her. God, he hated himself.

He would watch over her, make sure she's safe. Make sure she's happy. He heard about her being in a big upcoming movie, he was glad she was living her life, even if it was without him.

When Don Mitchell was murdered, Bruce was invited to the funeral. Although he already knew more about the murder as Batman, he needed to be at the funeral just in case any information was released from anyone. It would be odd if Batman showed up to a funeral.

He dreaded going out. He barely went out in public as Bruce Wayne before the divorce, but now he avoided it even more.

Bruce drove his car through the crowd of people, following where ever he was told to go. Once he was there, he got out of the car and handed the keys to the valet and hands him some money. He hears the press screaming his name to come over to talk to them, but he of course didn't. He was there for one thing.

Bruce followed the other known people into the building, listening to any conversation he can. His eyes stayed on the ground, as if not looking at anyone would make it easier to hear. His eyes glanced up for a quick second, catching a glimpse of a girl whose back was turned to him.

He fully turned his attention to the girl, recognizing her. He stopped in his tracks, heart starting to ache. Y/n stood before him, talking to her friend who he recognized as Nicole. He watched as Nicole noticed him, nudging Y/n, bringing her attention to Bruce. It was the first time since the divorce that they made eye contact.

Y/n's eyebrows furrowed in a mix of surprise and longing. She gives Bruce a closed mouth smile, biting the inside of her lips. She looked behind Bruce, seeing that Mayor Reál was approaching him. Knowing that Bruce hates talking to people, Y/n walks over to Bruce, stopping right in front of him.

Bruce watches as Y/n walks to him, his heart racing, his arms longing for her, but he keeps them still. There was no expression on his face, but she could tell he missed her. Y/n watches as the new to be mayor notices her and walks away, leaving the 2 alone.

"Hello, Bruce." She sweetly says, smiling up at him.

Y/n spent 2 years in her marriage already feeling like they've been divorced, so it didn't take long for her to get herself back on her feet after the divorce. It wasn't hard to see him because of the heartbreak, it was hard to see his dark circles under his eyes, his prominent bones much sharper from lack of food.

"Hey, Y/n." His rough voice responded. He cleared his voice.

They started talking about how they've been since the divorce, Y/n could tell he changed a lot. He was more open to talking about his feelings with her, his eyes never left hers, his eyebrows pulled closer together and lowered as he listened to her talk.

"We should catch up more," Y/n starts, "not here, though." Bruce nods, hoping this meant good for their relationship. "Still have my number?"

"Of course," Bruce gave a ghost of a smile.

"It was nice seeing you Bruce," Y/n places her hand on his arm. "talk later?" Bruce finally broke eye contact to look at Y/n's hand placement. He missed her so much.

He nods while saying, "It was nice seeing you too, Y/n."

Bruce was never mad at Y/n for the divorce, he was always only mad at himself. He never wanted to watch over Y/n while she lived her life, but he couldn't ever help it. He wanted to distance himself as far away from her as possible, but he needed to know she was okay.

When Y/n walked away, back to Nicole, Bruce reminded himself of why he was here. His eyes landed on Don Mitchell's son, the one that found his father dead. He noticed that Y/n was now talking to the widow, Mrs. Mitchell.

Bloody screams came from outside, a lot of commotion from the second story of the church. Bruce looked up and saw someone standing still, not being effected by all the movement and screams. Bruce knew something bad was about to happen, he looked back at Y/n and Mitchell's kid. Y/n was facing Bruce, standing in front of the kid.

Y/n rushed the kid and the mother away from the front of the church. She didn't know what was going on, but she wanted to help. She also didn't know where to go, so she just stood there, looking at Bruce confused and worried.

A car bursts through the church. Bruce runs and grabs Y/n, saving her from being crashed into. They rolled on the ground, stopping a few feet from where she once stood. Stunned by what was happening, Y/n stayed still laying on the ground.

Bruce got up, holding a hand out for her. She grabbed it, helping herself up. "You need to go," Bruce said, still holding onto the girls hand. Before Y/n could say anything in return, people were screaming at the person driving the car to get out.

Bruce and Y/n turn their attention to the car door opening and a man struggling to get out. Something was bolted around his neck, a bomb strapped to him. "Y/n, you need to leave." Bruce said again, this time a lot more serious. Y/n nodded, letting go of Bruce's hand and quickly exited the building.

~~~~

Y/n was safely at her home now, out of the funeral clothes, and was now laying down in her warm bath, rethinking the events that happened hours before. Everything confused her, but she knew it somehow was related to Batman. She then thought about Bruce Wayne.

She missed him, of course, praying he would reach out to her. She knew that it was unfair of her to break off their marriage but then expect him to come running back to her, but she knew he changed. She could tell by the way he spoke, the way he opened up to her, the way he looked at her.

As she thought about this, she heard her phone ping. She didn't think anything of it, ignoring it until she was out of the bath. As she wrapped herself in her towel, she picked up her phone.

Messages: Bruce Wayne Hey

Her eyes widened, heart skipping a beat. She reread the message, making sure she wasn't seeing things. She bit her lips, holding the phone, smiling. She opened her phone, clicking on the message to reply. "Hey" she wrote back. She wasn't sure what else to say, she thought for a moment.

After Bruce sent Y/n the text, he was praying to not mess up the second chance Y/n was giving him. He sat in his batcave, hovering over his phone, waiting for a reply. When his phone lit up, he immediately saw it. "Hey" It read. He picks up his phone, unlocking it and he starts typing, "You looked really beautiful today." But then he erased it, thinking it wasn't appropriate.

Seeing the 3 dots appear from Bruce's profile got her excited, but when they disappeared, she was confused. She put her phone down, getting dressed into her pajamas. Once she came back to her phone, there was no new messages from Bruce. Sighing, she typed something.

"Thank you for saving me, I didn't get to say it earlier." Bruce cracked a smile at this text from Y/n. He was happy that even though he didn't respond, she still texted back. "It's no problem." He wrote back.

"Can we meet up sometime tomorrow, to catch up?" Y/n sent. Bruce immediately replied, "Yeah, 11 at my place?" Y/n smiled, replying with "Yeah, I'll see you then."

Smiling at his phone, Bruce gets up and exits the batcave, making his way to Alfred. Bruce informs him about Y/n coming over, making Alfred ecstatic. He then scolds Bruce about the importance of not messing this up, making Bruce roll his eyes in annoyance. "I know, I'm not going to mess this up."

~~~~

Y/n walks into the Wayne manor, smiling at the guards at the entrance that recognize her, nodding their heads at her as she passed. She turned a corner, seeing Bruce waiting for her at the entrance of the elevator. Smiling, Y/n walks to him. His smile grew at the sight of her, his eyes longing for her once again.

"Hey," She says as they both walk into the elevator.

"Hey," He said, his eyes never leaving her. As the elevator door closed and starting moving up, silence fell between them.

Unsure if the silence was awkward or not, Y/n said with a joking voice, "So, what was that about yesterday?"

"Hm?" Bruce says for a moment before responding with a sigh, "Oh, it's a really long story." He brings a hand up to rub his eyes, which looked very tired.

"So, you're still doing the Batman stuff?" Y/n asks, looking up at him.

Bruce nods, adding, "After our," he pauses for a moment, "uh, divorce, I didn't know what to do with myself." He looks at her, unsure if bringing up the divorce was still a touchy subject or not.

"Yeah," she says, nodding and scratching the back of her neck, "I wanted to talk to you about that- the divorce."

As Bruce nods once more as the elevator doors open. He was unsure how the conversation would go, what she wanted to talk about, but he prayed for a good result.

Bruce paused for a moment, almost holding his hand out for Y/n to grab so he could lead her to the table like they did when they first started dating, but he couldn't. He takes a step out of the elevator and leads Y/n to the table that Alfred set up. He pulls out a chair, allowing Y/n to sit in it, and when she does, he pushed it in for her.

She barely blushed at this action, reminding herself that she can't do that. She sent a smile at him, watching as he sat down in his own seat across from her.

"So, um," She starts, not knowing how to start the conversation. Her head was down, avoiding eye contact. "I just wanted to tell you why I did it, I know I just left and we never got to talk through it,"

"I understand why you left," Y/n looked up, listening to him. "I was a terrible husband, I hate that it took us splitting up for me to realize that." It was now Bruce's turn to avoid eye contact as he spoke, "I'm truly sorry, for everything I put you through. And I know, a sorry is not even close to enough to what you deserve." He was looking down, feeling her eyes on him.

She leans over the table, placing her hand on his, causing him to look at her. "I know you're sorry, and I am sorry too. I made you choose between something you love doing and me, that was unfair of me to do."

"No, but I should have chose you," he pauses for a moment, looking into her eyes, "I want to choose you." His hand that was beneath hers flips so that their hand was resting in his palm.

Y/n looks down at the movement of his hand, then back up at him, registering his words. "And we'll have to work on that."

"Are you saying-"

"Yeah, we'll work on it," She says nodding, "work on us."

The End

A/n: Thank you so much for reading! Request if you have any!

[oompaloompadidu]

Can I ask for PM and ADA men with a reader who struggles with depression? feel free to ignore!

hi! Sure I can try!

PORT MAFIA

Chuuya

He'd try to make you happy, doing everything you ask him to

He'd buy you lots of gifts and put them on your desk without saying anything and buy you flowers everyday

He's so sorry for you and fears it might be his fault (pls tell him it's not, he's such an angel), and everytime something happens he gets really worried for you

He keeps you from taking any decision against yourself (he knows Dazai and he'd give his life for you to not become as desperate as him)

He puts his hat on your head when you get really sad and tells you: "keep it as a reminder that I love you. And it looks better o you, anyway."

Akutagawa

He doesn't know what to do, he's terrible at dealing with emotions

At first he told you that you were "too emotional", "exaggerating" and "weak" but when he realized you actually had depression problems he stopped

He buys you tea/figs when things get bad with your depression because he doesn't know what to do and since he likes those things he hopes they can help (help it's so cute-)

Mori

Like chuuya, he buys you everything, but not just what you ask, even what you just look at for too much time. He wants you to feel better but usually he doesn't worry for people, so he's not very good at it.

he lets you mimic him even if it could offend him a bit, because it makes you laugh and he loves it

You have lots of plushies that he bought you during your worst depression episodes

He always brings you at fancy restaurants and buys you dresses to cheer you up

ARMED DETECTIVE AGENCY

Dazai

Oh well. You two are in the same situation.

At first he always asked you for a double suicide but, after he discovered you struggle with depression as well, I think he would stop. He couldn't actually accept the fact that you could risk to die for his fault while he could survive at the attempt (he wants you to live as long as possible so that he can stay with you)

He keeps trying to find new ways of suicide, but a lot less than before

Still, if you asked him for a double suicide he would accept without a second thought

He makes a lot of jokes and try to make you laugh when you're really sad or tired

Kunikida

He'd have stress attacks every time you get worse

He never had a girlfriend/good friend so he doesn't know how to make you feel better

He tried to ask Yosano how to help you but she just said "don't know man, go shopping with her"

And so he did

Now when you get really bad and don't want to do anything/talk he makes you get out of the house saying that "there is 'shopping time' in his schedule and he wants to go"

You know he doesn't really like going shopping but you appreciate it

Atsushi

he buys you a lot of tea rice

And a lot of plushies

And everything that you like (even if it might means that he has to work twice because he doesn't have the money)

He tries to be always there for you and tells you that you are the most brilliant and fantastic person he knows

Ranpo

Girl you'll be COVERED of candies and chocolate and sweets of every type

He asks Poe to keep you company when he's obligated to go at meetings with the ada because he doesn't want you to be lonely

I hope you're good with orientation because you two will get lost a lot if you let him try to guide you (but it's okay he's a cute babyyy-)

Kenji (he's a minor I hope you are a minor as well pls don't do anything weird to him he's just my adorable baby)

He always offer you to visit his camps to cheer you up

His smile is contagious TRUST ME

my adorable little baby loves you with all his heart and he would literally rip apart everyone who dares to say something bad about so that you don't feel bad anymore ❤️

Junichiro

He tries to get off work earlier so that he can stay with you

He's scared Naomi will do something weird to him and get you worse but actually you two are friends and she likes you a lot

He asks Dazai and Kunikida for help about how to cheer you up but they both said "why do you think I know?" and he's very confused

He gives you kisses even in public sometimes when you're really sad but pda embarrasses him and also he doesn't want Naomi to see it

[marvelstoriesepic]

Angstober (day 17)

Pairing: Endgame!Bucky x Reader

Prompt: “Shhh…”

Word Count: 3.4k

Warnings: allusions to deep depression; very slight mention of suicidal thoughts; mentions of an eating disorder (neglecting food due to mental health problems); sad!Reader; sad and desperate!Bucky

Author's note: I'm so late, so sorry!! Actually planned on ending this way more angsty but I just couldn’t. Hope you still like it!

Angstober Masterlist

Not that you’re counting, but it has been 14 nights now. Two weeks. Nearly 340 hours since Bucky returned. He came back, along with everyone else who had vanished for five long years. But nothing else seemed nearly as significant as the feeling of seeing him again - the man you loved before the blip, during the blip, and thereafter.

Obviously, this was supposed to be a moment of pure, unadulterated joy. And it was for a moment. But you never felt the weight fall off you, that great release where all your problems just go away and nothing is left but love, relief, lightness - the kind of peace you can finally sink into.

But peace is far from what you feel.

You carry something in your gut; a stone lodged deep, heavy, and smooth to the touch but sharp on impact, that pushes your insides down and twists the knots in your belly into nausea. It’s guilt. So thick and visceral, it hurts, your body trying to reject it, to shake it, but you can’t breathe it away.

Because it’s also the 14th night of you leaving the warm and cozy embrace of two arms - one flesh, one metal - and the feeling of a chest pressed against your body just to sit out on the balcony, the exact same you spent ceaseless and lonely nights on when the world had emptied itself of Bucky Barnes.

Back when this place was only yours for the better part of the blip. With an old armchair placed to overlook the stars and form changing moon blinking at you from the blackness overhead. As if each of those tiny bright dots stood for something specific.

Bucky is asleep inside the bedroom, you’re supposed to be in right now. Wrapped safely in his arms, surrounded by the comfort of having him back. But the truth is, this comfort you should feel suffocates you.

You’re frozen. Stuck between two worlds. The one where you lost him, where you had to endure five long years without him, and the one where he returned as though no time had passed at all.

Five years living without him just for him to return to earth within the blink of an eye as if it was nothing. As if the time spent alone wasn’t agony in the worst sense of the word. As if your suffering didn’t even happen and everything just went back to normal in seconds.

You don’t know how to react. You don’t know how to be normal again. How can you just slip back into a love that feels like it was frozen in time for him but battered and painful for you?

It hasn’t been easy for anyone, you’re aware of that. Disappearing or not. Suddenly re-entering a world that had moved on without you, a world you never knew you even left, is a scary thought. But, honestly, it’s so much worse for Bucky. Your stomach, again, churns in pain.

Bucky has already lost so much of his life, trapped in decades he was never meant to live, a ghost haunting the wrong era. The world keeps slipping through his fingers, time moving around him while he’s frozen in place. Literally even. And now there goes another five years.

But you just can’t turn your head off. And you hate yourself for it.

The truth is, you’re not the same person you were when you met Bucky, started dating him - the one he fell in love with. A bright spirit, an effervescent soul, full of light, energy, softness, with a laugh that was infectious. That version of you is gone, taken by the same breeze that took Bucky years ago. What’s left was a hollow shell, lost in the grief of your greatest love story.

Time wore you down, erode pieces of you that you didn’t even realize were fading away until there was hardly anything left. Just bare bones of who you once were - a thin foundation, fragile, with crumbs already falling to your darkest depths, ready to be swept away for good.

How can you possibly go back to the person Bucky expects you to be? How can you pretend to be the version of yourself he fell in love with when it doesn’t exist anymore? When what’s left of her is irredeemable, too far gone to be resurrected?

You’re certain you’ll only end up disappointing him. If you haven’t already.

Fourteen nights you’ve been out here, on this balcony, sitting in that chair, wrapped in the dark, keeping yourself apart from him when you know you should be beside him. When all you ever wanted was to be beside him again.

Thirteen of those nights, Bucky has noticed your absence. The first night he found you out here, sitting in silence, you nearly snapped at him, frustration and confusion at the way you feel bubbling up so fiercely, you didn’t know how to contain it.

You told him to leave you alone. Insisted on it for so long until he finally, reluctantly relented, slowly retreating back inside with a tremble in his breath and clenched fingers. You knew he would respect your request. You also found out that he didn’t sleep a wink that night, since you didn’t come back to bed, wearing circles under his eyes that matched yours as he made you some breakfast in the morning you barely ended up stomaching.

Since then, you haven’t asked him to leave. Though you don’t really engage him in conversation either, only letting him linger. His presence is gentle, never pressing, always so patient, but it doesn’t make it easier. If only, it worsens the guilt, its fingers tightening around your chest, digging into your skin painfully. You don’t know how to let him back in, not when you’re still so tangled up in the person you’ve become - someone so worn-down, you don’t recognize yourself anymore, afraid to be confronted with the harrowing reality by looking in a mirror.

And every night, you wonder, silently asking the night sky, how much longer it’ll be before he realizes that the person he loves is someone he lost.

You’re waiting. Waiting for him to notice that this new version of you isn’t enough.

Every time, Bucky comes out to you, bringing you something - blankets, jackets, his hoodies, a cup of tea still steaming in his hands, or thick socks to warm your feet. He gets you all the things you never thought to grab in your rush to escape to the balcony, to get lost in the night air that bites into your skin but usually feels oddly comforting in its coldness. The chill always manages to give you a small sting of reality.

You never make the first move to wrap the blankets around yourself or pull any of the clothing items on, so Bucky usually does it for you. And he’s nothing but kind. Patient and soft in ways that almost hurt to witness. It’s in his eyes, in the way he watches you, never pushing too hard, never demanding more than you can give.

But his worry is etched into every corner of him like he is carrying it in his very bones. It’s heavy on his brows, weighing them down in a furrow that never seems to ease, lips pressed into a slight frown that tugs at the corners even when he tries to soothe it out.

It’s in the way his hands twitch, as if he’s fighting the urge to reach out and pull you close, but stops himself because he’s unsure if you want him to. He’s constantly walking that fine line, balancing between the space you seem to want and the need to be there, to comfort you, troubled with his own helplessness.

It’s in every considerate gesture, every thoughtful thing he does to make sure you’re okay, or at least giving you a sense of solace.

And yet, you can’t bring yourself to really talk to him. To explain what’s going on in your mind. To voice the fear that now lives there and which places it travels and where it settles down, lodging itself deep into your conscience, roots spreading and festering.

There’s no way to explain what drives you out here night after night, sitting in the darkness while your returned love waits for you inside.

It’s not that you don’t want to. God, you want to more than anything. But the words just won’t come, not making it past the lump in your throat. You’re trapped in a loop of thoughts; confusion, and guilt guiding them to twirl in your head like an indecipherable storm.

How do you even begin to explain that the person he’s so worried about isn’t really there anymore; that you’re afraid you’ve changed too much; that you’re not sure how to go back to the way things were, or if you even can? So while you remain silent, your mind races and your heart aches with the weight of everything you can’t say.

There are so many ghosts in his life and you don’t want to count yourself as another. But you don’t have it in you to do something about it.

As expected, the door to the balcony opens, quietly, slowly. It gets shorter, you notice. The time it takes him to realize you’re gone. As if he instinctively wakes up the second you leave his embrace. As if he barely has to stir to know you’re missing, to feel the cold, empty space where your warmth should be.

You wish he had given you just a little more time. Woke up just a little later. Nausea pools in your gut.

“Sweetheart.”

You pick up his whisper. You intended to ignore it, just as you had intended to ignore the quiet shuffle of his steps, the way he appeared in your peripherals like he always does. But the way his voice reflects so much of a fragility you can’t and don’t want to describe, your head lifts almost on autopilot, responding to him before your mind can even catch up.

He’s crouching down to your level in front of the chair you’re perched on, carefully lowering himself to your eye level. You hadn’t even acknowledged the bowl of pasta he brought until he set it down on the small table next to you, food you hadn’t even glanced at all day. As well as the blanket draped over his forearm he now deliberately wraps you up in. His hands linger on your arms longer than needed until he almost reluctantly pulls away.

He doesn’t take his eyes off you. Not for a second. Gaze so intense and solid, it undoes you. They’re filled with everything you try to run from, everything you try to bury deep inside yourself, everything you try to hide from.

You avert your eyes at the new wave of pain that tears right through your chest, intended to knock you off that chair, perhaps even off that balcony. Your silence is wearing on him and you know. You know that his brows are creased in worry, that his hands are trembling as they grab onto his knees to prevent himself from reaching out to you because he thinks that’s not what you want. That his touch is unwanted. His lips are pressed together as if holding back the flood of words he’s too afraid to say out loud.

Still, you don’t open your mouth. You don’t move closer to him to feel some of his warmth. You don’t look at him. All you do is let him down, night after night, as he watches you drift further away.

From yourself.

From him.

“Please eat something, love.”

His pleading voice again reaches you with the force of a knife, thrown straight to your heart, tearing through the blanket, your thin clothes, your skin, to embed itself into the organ that once held something so precious. A love so fierce, not only for the man in front of you but for the woman he fell for. For the woman that’s now lost in a body filled with coldness.

“Not hungry.” The words fall flat from your lips, monotone, your voice as hollow as you feel inside. There’s no weight behind them, no energy. They’re the same words you’ve been giving him all day, all week - really, for two weeks straight.

Actually, you haven’t been hungry in what feels like forever. The idea of eating, of caring for your body, feels so distant, so unimportant, perhaps even ludicrous, that you’ve stopped thinking about it entirely. Your stomach knots itself in protest but the thought of offering sustenance to your weary body pales in significance amidst whatever storm is brewing inside your mind.

Bucky never relents. Never gives up. Never stops trying.

But it’s heavy on him.

The pained sigh that ripples through his body, drags his shoulders down, his entire frame. His desperation is so evident, it’s standing out like a light that wants the attention of the darkness around you. His pain almost echoes like a sound, ringing in your ears.

He bows his head, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment.

Another stab. Another twist of the knife, that never really leaves your body anymore. It’s always sharp. Always intense. Always piercing. Because it never ceases to hurt when Bucky is in pain.

And he’s in pain because of you.

It’s always because of you.

His despair now is an extension of the love that triumphed against odds, yet now feels so misplaced, so undeserving in the wreckage that was left behind.

Every line of his body screams misery and it’s so unlike Bucky to carry it so openly. He’s not able to stop his hands from shaking, even though he’s clenching them into fists that leave his skin white. He’s not able to ease the tension in his jaw, the way his breath catches as though he’s holding back more words, more pleas, more desperation.

You know it’s your fault. You know this is a love he still holds for a person that doesn’t deserve it anymore. He holds on so tight. So fierce. And that’s what hurts the most.

A new sensation wells up, one you had consciously buried for the past 14 nights. One you hadn’t let yourself feel every time you got lost out here. It grips your throat, wraps itself around it, and squeezes, cutting off the flow of air. It’s choking you, as if in triumph, confronting the tidal surges of emotion you’ve been holding back for so long. It stings behind your eyes, making them swell and burn as tears form faster than you can stop them.

The sob that forms in your belly takes shape in a revolting way and you can’t grasp it properly.

So, when it finally escapes, it’s heart-wrenching. The sound rips from your chest violently and guttural, tearing through your lips before you can do anything to keep it inside. Your hand flies to your mouth, desperate to stifle it, but it’s useless.

Bucky’s head snaps up with so much vigor, and he stumbles in his rush to reach you, arms shooting up, eyes wide with alarm. His hands move toward you without hesitation, disregarding the fragile boundaries you had set, the cautious distance he believed you’d wanted.

You’re shaking, shoulders trembling with the power of the cries that rack through your body and he pulls you against him.

He cradles your head against his chest, his other arm pulling you closer, closer, closer. His grip is so full of anguish, holding onto you like his very life depends on it, his warmth fighting against the chill that’s been living inside you for such a long time.

Your sobs come harder, sounds muffled by the fabric of his hoodie. Bucky tries to hold you tighter, letting you crumble against him.

Minutes stretch out and your cries don’t let up. Each breath you take is painful, rough, and with every shudder that convulses your body, Bucky grasps you firmer.

“Shhh… it’s okay, baby, I got you.” His voice sounds so soft but frail, hoarse with the effort of keeping himself composed. He keeps whispering, though his words tremble on his lips as if he’s battling the same ache that’s threatening to break him apart all the same. His face is buried in the crook of your neck, and you can feel his breath against your skin, shaky and uneven, trying so hard to be the anchor you need.

“Shhh…” he breathes again, but there are tears in his tone. He’s holding on so solidly, gripping you as if letting go would mean losing you entirely.

“I’m sorry,” you cry, the words tumbling out over and over because it’s all your scrambled mind manages. It’s the only thing that feels true in the mess of your awareness. The silence, the distance, the weight you’ve placed on him, on his shoulders, which should be free from burden after the hell he’s been through. He’s only just come back from five years of being lost to the world, and now you’re drowning him in your own grief. And that makes your tears come without control, the guilt crushing.

“I’m so sorry,” you sob again, the only thing you can offer. An apology isn’t enough but it’s all you have. Because you don’t know if you’re supposed to hold onto the hope that maybe, one day, he’ll forgive you for being too much, for not being who he needs anymore.

Bucky shakes his head against yours, strong, fast; his breath broken. “No,” he breathes, rough and thick. “No, baby, don’t apologize. There’s nothing to apologize for.”

Squeezing your eyes shut, you try to drown out his voice. He’s too nice. Too sweet. Too forgiving. Too patient. Too Bucky.

Shaking your head, you grip onto him. “You should leave me.” It’s louder than anything you’ve said the whole night. It’s more resolute. It sounds more like you, but it still doesn’t seem to come from you. Because never in seven years did you believe those words would ever make it past your lips. Would ever even be formed in your mind.

Bucky pulls back. Not harshly, but urgently, in a panic, determined. His hands cradle your face and he only moves his head away a little to get a better look at you. His eyes, wet and glassy, lock onto yours, filled with pain so stabbing it matches your own. But there is a resolution in his eyes, a firmness in the small glimmer of blue.

He shakes his head as if something is breaking in him.

“Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that,” he whispers, his thumb brushing away the tears on your cheeks that keep rolling down even as his own spill over. His touch is so gentle, so tender, so loving and you feel the guilt that settled deep inside you in a war with the longing you had felt for so long. The longing to feel his touch in a way that always knocked the breath straight out of your lungs. The longing to have his eyes sear right through you as if you’re the only thing in the world that holds worth.

“This isn’t your fault,” he continues. “None of this is your fault, Y/n! Alright? Nothing you could do would make me leave you. Hear me when I say this, my love. Hear me when I say that I'm here. And I'll stay.”

A sad, wobbly smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. “There’s no getting rid of me, sweetheart. Nothing you could do would ever scare me away.”

Something cracks open inside you. His words, his touch, his gaze, everything is so full of love. And even if it’s just a little, the compressing weight of guilt loosens. It will take many more nights for it to completely leave you but Bucky will walk this road with you. You’re sure; because in his eyes, the way he holds you against him, you finally see that he’s not asking for the person you used to be. He’s asking for you, as you are, as you’ve become, broken pieces and all.

He’s still loving you with a depth your guilt could never reach.

[pinkyqil]

Can you do a Mapi x Ingrid x reader where maybe the reader is struggling with depression and Mapi and Ingrid help her?

We'll help you through it// Ingrid engen x mapi lèon x r

Least to say that you we're struggling life sucking every single one of your motion to keep living it felt like you lost all hope in your self you didn't know what it was but your mental health decline took a toll on you.

Every day felt like a struggle to be alive and keep on breathing. but thanks to your amazing girlfriends who were able to notice what was wrong with you.

It all started with when they had to leave a lot for away machetes you get that it was apart of their job but sometimes you felt lonely and jealous about what the two could be doing without it.

You doing what you do best overthink the whole situation but nevertheless you were able to push back.

You stopped answering there calls and texts whenever they sent in one. Just wachting the phone ring away without trying to pick it up.

Feeling worthless and unimportant as life would have been better if you just stopped living you thought to yourself.

But you never get close to doing it. It's been weeks since you last saw them as you've been ignored them.

You had a new routine now wake up work sleep and eat. And well repeat totally ignoring your other aspect of life.

Mapi and Ingrid had obviously noticed the pattern in your behavior and decided to vist you as soon has they could.

"Ingrid you think all this is enough". Mapi asked Ingrid showing her comfort bag that they brought for you filled with your favorite snacks to everything that you like.

three different brands of your favorite chocolate, huge ass blankets you wanted to get but didn't they had it your favorite movies had it makeup,dresses, aersoiess they had it all but mapi over here was still worrying that it wasn't enough.

"Mapi it enough or maybe to much". Ingrid questioned.

"Let's just go". she said to her girlfriend

They finally got your place with the spare key and weren't really expecting to see you in the condition that you were in.

With just one look at you it was quite obvious that you weren't getting enough sleep nor eating enough.

They both immediately dropped the things they had rushing to your side. It hurt them to see you this way like you were waiting on death.

Ingrid was the first to speak up. "Baby I'm so sorry we haven't been there for you".

"Nothing is your fault I'm particularly to blame".

"No don't say that about yourself".she told you

Mapi on the other hand didn't know what to say so she just pulled you three into a hug. you all stayed like that for a while before Ingrid started cleaning.

the whole place and convinced you to go take a bath so you could feel more relaxed. mapi was changing your bedsheets and placing the things that they got you.

By the time that you were out your places was looking better than it was before.

Ingrid made you a bowl of spicy soup putting it down and helping you with your hair and clothes on. You ate what Ingrid had prepare with mapi feeding you and not missing a single drop.

After that they both convinced you to leave the house for some fresh air. And that what you did getting in the car mapi first went back to there place to pick up bagheera to join you guys.

Having bagheera join you guys on the beach was perfect the cat being there made you perceived and calm. It wouldn't have been your normal couples walk if mapi didn't start talking you and Ingrida ears.

off something that you missed even though she could go on for hours she was recently yapping about. how patri and pina were quite obvious about each other but to afraid to confess and how she was going to play cupid.

Let's to say you felt happy and a little better all you need was come comfort and love from you girls which they understood.

© PINKYQIL

[revelboo]

Your Thundercracker snippets are giving me life! Looking forward for a possible continuation of the story ♡

Better Open The Door Pt 6

IDW Thundercracker x Reader

• Walking back to his quarters, he keeps thinking about his interaction with Star. Hating that he’d hurt Starscream, but his brother had shocked him, too. Had mass displaced to interface with a human, that possibility now twisting through him. That humans and Cybertronians are not only compatible that way, but that Star cares that much. That he’s changing for the better. Running a hand over his helm, he vents softly as he lets himself into his quarters and there you are, looking up from rearranging the things he’s given you. “Hi,” you say, straightening and wrapping your arms around yourself. Making an effort for him when you smile weakly. Knows you’re still unhappy with him for taking you, that you don’t understand what’s coming, what he can’t say. That he’s protecting you from the war on the horizon, because he doesn’t want to lose you. “You were gone a while this time.”

• “Miss me?” He asks, his tone almost teasing despite the serious slant of his mouth that he almost immediately hides with a smile. Eyes narrowing suspiciously, you waggle a hand in the air in a maybe gesture. “I missed you,” he protests, reaching out a servo to slide along the inside of your arm and lift your hand and you play along, pressing your palm to the tip of his servo because it pleases him. It hasn’t taken long to figure out the rules to dealing with him. Don’t bring up wanting to go home being the biggest one, because it puts him in a depressed funk that actually manages to make you feel bad.

• “I missed how warm you are,” you say, nose scrunching at him. “It’s freezing in here.” Huffing a soft laugh, he curls his servos around you and carries you to his berth to lounge with you against his chassis. Feeling you relax into him with a grateful sigh. “I swear you keep it an icebox in here just so you can be grabby.” Running his servos along your spine, he grimaces. Because he could raise the temperature, but then you wouldn’t have a reason to tolerate his touch. He likes the warmth of you against him, the faint feel of your heart beating against him, a constant reassurance that he’s not alone.

• Hating that you need his warmth, but savoring it all the same as it spills through you to ease your tension, you lay your cheek against him. Feeling that low thrum that he’d explained was his spark humming under you. Wishing, too, you didn’t enjoy the slow slide of a servo from the back of your neck down your spine. Or the sound of his laughter rumbling through you. “Grabby?”

• Blowing out a breath, you hide your face in your palms. “Yes, grabby. Like I’m your personal teddy bear,” you mutter and he lets his head fall back. Is that what you think you are to him? A toy to cling to only to comfort himself? You really think you mean so little to him? Again, he thinks about Starscream and his human, about having things he didn’t even know he could have. Your warmth and companionship are what he’d kept coming back for, but now that he knows he can have everything? Venting softly, he drapes his servos over you. He won’t push for more, not while you don’t understand what you mean to him. Not until he can show you that you rescued him at his lowest, his loneliest. You’d kept reaching out, smiling for him, getting excited to share your movies with him even though it was just you he’d kept coming back for. Someone to talk to, someone who has the time for him, that doesn’t treat him like a burden because he’s lonely. How can you not see that you’re the most precious thing he has?

Previous

[padfootagain]

Love in Verses (VII)

Chapter 7 : And so I still wait, like a lonely house, for you to see me and inhabit me again. Until that time, my windows ache.

Hi! Here is another chapter! On the menu for today: lots of aching, some terrible ideas and a plot twist!

I hope you like this new chapter! Tell me what you think!

****

Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader (professor!AU)

Warnings: slow burn, angst, hurt, hurt/comfort, tooth-rotting fluff in later chapters, some scenes in later chapters will have heavy sexual themes even if it’s not explicit nsfw description, so minors here

Summary: Your life seems perfect. You're engaged, your career is thriving as you become an assistant professor at Trinity College, and this Andrew Hozier-Byrne you're sharing an office with seems to be a nice guy you hope to call a friend soon. Life seems to be smiling at you... until everything goes sour. When your fiancé breaks up with you, your perfect world shatters. And when your colleague also gets his heart broken soon after, your shared office seems to be a curse rather than a blessing. But Andrew seems determined to mend your broken hearts... Will things finally go according to plan?

Word Count: 2148

Masterlist for the series – Hozier’s masterlist – Main masterlist

Sonnet 65

Matilde, where are you? I only just noticed behind my necktie and above my heart, a certain melancholy between my ribs: It was that, all of a sudden, you are gone.

I needed the light of your energy so much. I looked all around me, devouring hope, and saw that the space without you is a house, with nothing left in it but tragic windows.

In the pure silence now, the roof is listening to the falling of ancient leafless rain, to feathers, to what the night has imprisoned.

And so I still wait, like a lonely house, for you to see me and inhabit me again. Until that time, my windows ache.

Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets, 1959

Elwood was the reason Andrew crawled out of bed the next day. A Sunday morning filled with rain, the colour of the sky matching his mood. The dog came licking at the hand hanging from the side of the bed, and Andrew was annoyed, for sure, but the second his eyes fell on his lovely dog, he could only groan in exasperation and sit up.

He looked at the empty spot in his bed, undisturbed and cold. It felt like staring at the chasm that had claimed his heart since Sam had left. Empty, dark, frightening, lonely…

He didn’t even know who he was anymore. He used to be Sam’s partner, what was he now?

Single.

The word echoed in his head and chest and brought a new set of tears to his eyes. And he had thought about marrying her…

What a fucking fool…

Elwood let out a whimper, looked up at Andrew with begging eyes. God, he had to get up, take care of his dog. He couldn’t just lay there all day, he needed to take Elwood on a walk, despite the rain and his bleeding heart. Feed him, scratch him behind the ears for being a good boy…

Andrew needed to get his body functioning again, there was no use in lying there all day anyway. That was what the logical part of his brain was saying, trying to coax his body into motion, but his muscles simply refused to respond. He was exhausted, didn’t have the strength for it. He knew he couldn’t let himself spiral into a depressive episode, he had to wrestle against it or else he would drown in it.

He heaved a painful sigh.

“I’m coming, buddy. I’m coming,” he mumbled to Elwood.

The dog rubbed his snout against Andrew’s legs as he rested his feet on the cool tiles of his floor. He took a couple of seconds to gather his strength and stood up, his back aching after laying down for too long.

He grabbed his phone as he got dressed in a hurry, checked the voicemail left by his mother asking how he was feeling, his brother’s text, Alex’s five unanswered calls. He tugged the phone in the pocket of his jeans without answering to anyone. He would deal with society and people later, for now, he needed to find the strength to get decently dressed, find his keys, find Elwood’s leash.

He didn’t eat or drink coffee before leaving, he simply secured Elwood’s leash, and walked out of his apartment, brain buzzing with static noise and body numb. He pulled up his hood once he stepped into the street, the feeling of the rain finally bringing him back to reality, anchoring him for a moment.

His head was swarming with thoughts, with questions, with hate towards himself. But more than anything else, he couldn’t understand what was happening. Sam had refused to even move in with him, saying that they needed to grow as people before doing that, saying she didn’t feel ready to share her space with another person. But Andrew was beginning to realise that her refusal had never been about her need to grow, her need for independence, her need for self-discovery. It was about him. Andrew had been the problem all along, and she had strung him along for years, talking about future plans they would accomplish in their thirties, like the finish line was this new decade that stretched ahead of them. But the truth was, she simply didn’t want to do all this with him. He wasn’t enough, and he never was. He was the fucking problem.

And he had thought she was the one…

He still thought she was the one. He still loved her. He still wanted her back.

He waited for Elwood while the dog sniffed around a tree, the rain heavy on his coat, the rhythmic pattern of raindrops drowning the noise of the busy city. And Andrew thought of you, of the weight of your body in his arms as you collapsed last night, the streetlights shining on your tears, the pain in your eyes…

You wanted your ex back as well. Frank. Frank.

Frank who had seduced the love of Andrew’s life, Frank who was now going to marry the woman he loved, Frank who had shattered your heart and was now responsible for your pain…

Frank… Christ, Andrew hated him. He had seen him for only a moment, and yet he hated him. He hated him for all that he had taken from him, taken from you…

And he seemed to be Andrew’s perfect opposite. Handsome. Charming. Charismatic. Extraverted. Blond with blue eyes, a smile to die for, a bubbly personality, the kind who easily made friends, who loved socializing. And he wasn’t a stupidly tall, clumsy tree like Andrew was. He was muscular, clearly worked out a lot. An image you would expect to see on the cover of Vogue magasine. Andrew wasn’t. Andrew wasn’t, and he had thought Sam liked that he wasn’t like that, that he was him. Clearly, he had been wrong. He could feel all of his insecurities bubbling up to the surface again, about his appearance, about his height, about his personality…

Was Sam bored of him? Did she realise he wasn’t attractive or something?

Elwood tugged on his leash, brought Andrew back to the present.

No… no, he couldn’t believe that the last eight years had happened for no reason. And he couldn’t believe that she was going to marry a man she had met two months ago. That wasn’t like Sam at all. She was… she was acting stupid. She was having some kind of crisis, he didn’t know what it was. Maybe she felt bored in their relationship, but he could make efforts for her. To go out more, to develop his social skills, to be more charming, to surprise her more… he would do it. He would hit the gym if she wanted. God, he’d do anything…

This whole situation with Frank made no sense. And Sam needed to realise that she was acting without thinking, clearly, that this was crazy.

The rain got heavier, Elwood was getting cold, so Andrew decided to shorten their walk, and he hurried towards his home again. Head low, staring at the glistening curb, he thought about how he could bring Sam back to her senses. Elwood was pulling on his leash now, cold and wanting to hurry home.

Surely, there was a way to make her see that this made no fucking sense… right?

You were surprised by Andrew’s call that morning. The buzzing of your phone woke you up, you answered with a voice groggy with sleep. He apologised for waking you, asked if you could meet him at a coffeeshop that afternoon. You were taken aback by his invitation, but you accepted anyway. You needed to get out of bed, eventually, and seeing Andrew gave you a reason to get dressed and get your body moving.

You were wearing sweatpants and an old cardigan under your coat as you waited for Andrew to arrive at the coffeeshop, and the truth was, you didn’t give two shites about your appearance today. You were too sad for that, too stunned as well…

You didn’t notice that Andrew was fifteen minutes late, you were busy with your thoughts. When he sat down on the opposite side of the small wooden table, you barely noticed him.

“Hi! Sorry, I’m late…”

“Hi! It’s okay…”

“I hope you didn’t wait for too long.”

“No, that’s alright.”

You forced a smile as your gaze caught his, but you read the same desolation in his reddened eyes, in the dark circles under them. He had spent his night crying too…

“How are you feeling?” he asked a polite question, but you saw in the way he stared at you that he really meant it.

“Terrible. You?”

“Like proper shite.”

“Yeah… I reckon that last night was… a lot…”

“I didn’t know Sam knew Frank. I had no idea…”

“I didn’t know either. I would have told you, had it been the case.”

He nodded, cleared his throat.

“Want a coffee? Tea?”

“Coffee would be nice, thanks.”

He went to get your drinks, offered you a warm porcelain cup when he came back.

“Why did you want to see me?” you asked quite bluntly, but you reckoned there was no reason to circle around the issue.

“Erm… I… I thought we ought to talk about what happened last night.”

“How so?”

“I… First, I want to make it clear that it’s not going to change anything in how I see you. And I… it won’t change anything concerning our work.”

Slowly, you nodded.

“Same. None of this is your fault.”

“Good… grand… I’m glad to hear you say that. Like… I was worried you would resent me for Sam and Frank.”

“Looks like we were both the ones who got fooled.”

“Yeah… big time…”

Andrew was nervous. Very nervous. The way he kept on touching his face, on readjusting his glasses, on rubbing at his palms were obvious signs. He averted his eyes and seemed keen on avoiding all eye-contact for a while. You wanted to reassure him.

“I… I’m not going to lie, I’m devastated by the whole thing. But I’m well-aware that none of this is your fault, Andrew. It won’t change anything in the way I see you, and I won’t resent you or… or feel uncomfortable working with you.”

He slowly nodded.

“Is that why you wanted to see me?” you asked, but Andrew bit on the inside of his cheek for a moment before he would answer.

“Partly, yes. I reckoned that we needed to discuss this together before we would be back at Trinity. But… there’s also… I wanted to talk about something else. I wanted to make you an offer.”

“An offer?”

He let out a long exhale, before finally gathering the courage to look at you again. You stared at his hazel eyes, silently questioning what he meant.

“Look I… I understand that we’re colleagues, that this is highly unprofessional of me but… I love Samantha. I want her back. I want her back, and to be honest, I’m ready to do anything to get her back. And… judging by your reaction last night, and for the past few weeks… I can clearly see that you want Frank back as well.”

“Of course, I want him back.”

“Honestly… this whole thing is ridiculous. It’s nonsense. Sam and I were together for almost eight years and all of a sudden… she gets engaged to a guy she met two months ago?! No offense towards Frank…”

“No, no, I agree! Like… Frank and I were engaged, he pushed back our wedding because he wasn’t ready and all of a sudden he’s ready to marry a woman he barely knows! Like… I’m sure she’s great, but he doesn’t even know her at that point!”

“Exactly! They’re clearly making a mistake, I don’t know what’s gotten into their heads, but it’s madness…”

“It is! And they don’t seem to realise it!”

Andrew nodded, stared at you for a moment.

“I want to make her realise that she’s acting stupid, that she needs to think things through, that this is a mistake. And I think you want Frank to do the same, right?”

“Yes, of course. But I’ve tried talking with him, and he shuts me down every time…”

“Sam does the same. But I’m determined to show them the truth. And I… I want you to help me.”

You blinked, frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“I want Sam back. You want Frank back. We both agree that they’re acting in an illogical way, and that they’re making a mistake. We need to show them, make them realise this whole thing is a terrible idea, bring them back to their senses. But I don’t think we can do that on our own.”

“And what would you propose we do then?”

“We need to show them that this wedding is a terrible idea. We need to ruin their wedding.”

You raised a surprised eyebrow, taken aback.

Ruin their wedding?

Show them they weren’t meant for each other?

Andrew offered you his open hand.

“This would be highly unprofessional,” you added, and Andrew merely nodded.

“It would be, yes. And I’d understand if you refused. But I don’t see another way out. Do you?”

You didn’t. There didn’t seem to be any other way out of this mess. And at least, you wouldn’t face all of this on your own anymore.

You stared at Andrew’s hand, long, pale fingers stretched towards you. When you shook it, your hand seemed ridiculously small in his.

You looked up to catch his hazel eyes with yours again.

“You’re right. Let’s ruin their wedding.”

[jesterwriting]

Hellooo! I hope ur well !! Would it be a bother to ask for a head cannon/scenario list, with Zoro, Nami Sanji and Law? Reader’s lost in their own head, tries to let it out through battle- ends up with just needing to be in the comfortable, silent presence of their crew-mate/captain afterwards? You can take it however direction you want-!

Feel free to skip if it’s too much to ask!! Sending you lots of love and good wishes, hope you have a good day/night and take care of yourself 🫶💞

pairings: nami x reader, zoro x reader, law x reader, sanji x reader

word count: 1.8k words

contents: fluff, gender neutral reader, slight descriptions of depression, don’t fight when youre distracted or youll make your blorbos grumpy and worried

note: this was cute! my favorite way to spend time with someone is sharing a room with them hehe :3 i hope you enjoy these headcanons!!

Cat Burglar Nami

She is so focused on her own fight, she doesn’t notice how lost in your head you are until it’s over. Once everything dies down, that’s when Nami scolds you. If you’re in a fight, you give it your full attention, you could get seriously injured if you don’t. Nami knocks you upside the head for it, with love, of course. You’ll be nursing a bump for the next few hours, though Nami will grab you an ice pack if you whine about it enough. She rolls her eyes, but loves how you lean into her touch when she places the ice on your aching forehead.

Your thoughts are still racing as you pace up and down the length of the Sunny’s deck. If you looked in the mirror, you would swear your eyes were spirals. You couldn’t be alone, not right now, not unless you wanted to go crazy. To make things worse, your head still hurt. Nami sure packs a punch, though you know it's only because she cares. You’re lonely, and while you know she is busy navigating right now, you want her company.

The first thing Nami says when you find her is, “I’m still mad at you!” However, she doesn’t make you leave when you sit on the floor and lean your back on the wall. You watch her hands move, fingers curled around a pen as she works on a map. She narrows her eyes at you when she catches you staring at her, reminding you, yet again, that she’s still angry about you putting yourself at risk. When you give her a sheepish grin, she sticks her tongue out at you before getting back to work. Neither of you speak. As time passes, she relaxes, shoulders slumping and brows furrowed as she focuses. The comforting sound of pen on paper soothes your ailing mind. By the time you realize the sun is dipping under the horizon, your ice pack has melted and is nothing more than a sack of water.

Nami looks at you out of the corner of her eye. “Do you need another one?” When you say yes, she smirks and calls for Sanji, who comes running equipped with dinner and another ice pack for you. Her food is so good, you have to try it, stealing a sneaky indirect kiss from you when you share her fork. With Nami as company, you feel a lot better than you did before.

Roronoa Zoro

He notices quickly that you’re lost in your own head mid-fight — Zoro trusts you, but he can’t help but keep an eye on you during battle — and barks at you to get it together. You were hoping to take out your frustrations on the enemy, only to have clumsy footwork because you couldn’t stop thinking about how upset you feel. Zoro is blunt, but his harsh words come from a place of care. If you get hurt because you’re not paying attention, it’s no one’s fault but your own. That doesn’t mean he won’t worry if something were to happen. After the fact, he will double down on his reprimands. Everyone on the ship is counting on you, not only yourself.

You’re even more frustrated with yourself because he’s right. It’s hard to keep his words out of your head, mingling with the thoughts from earlier until you feel absolutely exhausted. You need peace. Somewhere quiet to lay and stare up at the sky for a while to remind yourself how little you are in the grand scheme of things. To you, your problems may seem big enough to swallow you whole. To the sea, they are nothing. The moon doesn’t care how inadequate you feel, the stars cannot fathom how tired you are. You climb up into the crows nest to be closer to them, in hopes that their indifference will rub off on you.

That’s where you find Zoro. He’s napping, though he acknowledges your arrival by cracking open an eye and giving you a nod. You take that as a sign that it’s okay to join him. With a deep breath, you settle next to him and stared up at the sky, tracing the constellations with your pupils. Zoro’s breathing eventually evens out, his loud snoring filling the space enough to drown out any of the negative thoughts that threaten to spill over. No words are spoken between the two of you, they don’t need to be. You enjoy having the presence of another body next to you, the heat from his skin so close by warming you from the nighttime chill. With the white noise of Zoro’s breathing, and the warm blanket of his presence soothing your thoughts, you drift to sleep.

The next morning you wake up with your head on his chest. Zoro is awake, acknowledging you with a grunt before he scoots out from over you and leaves the crow nest. Not before sending you a smirk, as if he hadn’t been letting you cuddle him for the better part of an hour, “Sleep well?”

Trafalgar Law

He notices you’re lost in your own head before the fighting even starts. Law is observant, he knows you like the back of his hand, studying your expressions and mannerisms until he can name your emotions before you can even recognize them. It’s likely he recognized your frustrations the night before, choosing to give you time to work them out on your own. If you don’t, he benches you. Don’t try to fight him on it. Unless you’re able to work through what you need to work through in the next ten minutes, you’re sitting this one out. It’s not that Law doesn’t trust you or have faith in your abilities, he knows that the enemies you’re about to fight are strong and you need to have your whole head in the game. He can’t have you getting hurt on his watch because he failed to recognize the signs that you might be suffering under mental duress.

After the battle, the ship is loud and full of celebration, none of which you want to take part in. Maybe you don’t feel like you deserve it because you didn’t do anything, or maybe you were just too exhausted, being alone with your negative thoughts while the fighting went on. Unable to stand it, you left in search of somewhere quiet. Not alone, you weren’t sure if you could handle being alone right now, but with someone to breathe the same air. If there is one place on the Polar Tang that would be quiet, it would be wherever Law is.

Law raises an eyebrow when you slink into his office. He’s in the middle of reading a book, one leg crossed over the other as he lounges in his chair. “What do you need,” He asks. You shrug and say you don’t want to be alone right now. Law can understand that, gesturing quietly to the chair across from his desk before he’s absorbed back in his book. You share the silence well. While you count the ceiling tiles, you listen to the sound of Law turning the pages of his book. Occasionally, Law will clear his throat, but that’s the only sound you get from him. It’s comfortable, companionable even. You could do this more often. Law’s presence is sturdy and makes you feel safe, the thoughts that run rampant in your head quiet in your captain’s presence.

Hours pass like that, until finally, Law closes his book and announces he’s going to bed. That’s your cue to leave. Before you’re out of your seat, Law asks if you feel any better, smirking a little to himself when you confirm you are. He enjoys sharing a space with you, even if he wouldn’t admit it out loud. You’re welcome back in his office anytime.

Black Leg Sanji

He is always watching you during a battle, just out of the corner of his eye. Sanji is naturally protective, especially of those he loves. Asking him not to worry about you during a fight is like asking a dog not to bark. Due to this, he notices how lost in your head you are almost the second the fighting starts. He takes care to watch your back, driving back the worst of the assailants to make up for your worse than average performance. After the fighting dies down, he asks if you’re doing alright and reminds you to take care of yourself in case something happens. He won’t always be there to protect you. Sanji doesn’t know what he’d do if you got seriously injured on his watch. More than likely, he’d blame himself for not protecting you properly.

You don’t have to seek Sanji out. After the fight, he asks if you would like anything to eat, offering to let you spend time with him in the kitchen while he cooks. Whether you’re hungry or not, you at least take Sanji up on his offer to spend time together. You still can’t think straight, the battle being nowhere near satisfying in getting your emotions out. Being alone right now is not high on your list of priorities. The two of you fall into step with each other as you make your way to the kitchen, and already his presence is a balm to your racing thoughts.

Sanji is truly at home in the kitchen. You know that now more than ever as you watch him cook. It’s like a dance, one he knows perfectly, and there’s a certain sense of grace to his every move. At first, Sanji will try to make conversation, though he slips into a comfortable silence when you explain you would rather not talk right now. He understands, offering you a kind smile before he’s back to work at the counter, chopping vegetables and sprinkling spices into the food. The comfort of a home cooked meal is just what you need, especially since Sanji cut the vegetables into the shape of little hearts. So focused on your meal, and Sanji’s beautiful blue eyes, you can’t remember what you were so upset about.

After you finish your meal, Sanji is insistent that you let him know you feel better before you leave. Give him a big smile and watch him flush, starry eyed at your expression. He feels better now that he knows you feel better. Anytime you need, you can come find him and he will spend time in silence with you, happily cooking you a meal.

[kusakiguzen]

Bts x Reader (8th member)

A/N: Okay hear my tf out. I abolish one of my rules of not writing about human people, I hate being hypocrete hence i'm getting rid of this rule, in which i say i don't write about people (still a lil uncomfy but this fic has been on my mind and it is hindering my writing of other fics). Just sit back and enjoy this bullshit since i haven't read anything like this. One of the scenes were inspired by song like "My R" English version. And other songs too.

Warnings: Self harm, Suicidal thoughts, copying,etc idk. I do not condone the behavior done by the reader in this fic. There are events that did happen in real life. If you feel like the doing the shit that the reader did, please contact help as its not healthy. This is mostly fiction and a fragment of my imagination.

You were a normal person, going through a tough time. Depression and stress taking its toll, You took up selfharm, scars littering all over your arms and stomach. Pressure from parents about their expectation getting heavier and heavier.

But then you heard them.... Their song for the first time. BTS or 방탄소년단; RR: Bangtan Sonyeondan. Their heavenly voice, their goofiness was your comfort in those dark times, you even stopped cutting your self because Namjoon (RM) said he'd shave the eyebrows of people who don't take care of themselves ( and if you don't study, Listen to him people), Laugh with them and be goofy while watching Run BTS, Eat with Jin while watching EatJin. They saved you, helped you, behind the screen, even without meeting them in person. They were you saviors. You even learnt Korean, so you can understand and learn their songs, all 230 of them.

You hated when people judged them for smallest of things, unnessecary hate they got, stupid rumors.... Everything like that. You wished you could protect them like they did to you. But you couldn't.... Its fine All of you and Army together can. So it was fine. They were your escape, Escape form reality and this world.

But you can't escape reality forever. It always catches up, it haunts you. And soon even they couldn't save you from you attempting to take your life. But I guess they did save you by going live when you planed to end yourself. But good things never last. On a particular day, it was too exhausting, you felt numb, lifeless, like a shell with no purpose. While on the end of the side walk, waiting for the light to turn red ( for the cars?) You were picking a song to listen to, you started walking, didn't see the truck coming.

You saw two headlights coming closer by the seconds, your fingers clicked on a song, just before the impact, You heard the lyrics of "I NEED U" and the only thought in your mind was

"Ah shit, I'm gonna die without even going to their concert..... haaaahhh"

And you saw black, and were welcomed by nothingness.

You were in there for what felt like hours, before being welcomed with bright light and the smell of sanitizer and disinfectents. Hissing, you opened your eyes and saw the white ceiling of the hospital, and two people on each sides who noticed your conciousness.

They were calling your name, asking if you were okay, the only problem was

They were speaking Korean

Words came out of your mouth instinctively. Matching the language of the two strangers,

"Who are you?"

Yo were terrified, did you get kidnaped while being unconscious? or is you brain playing tricks since the last thing you heard was Korean?

You saw doctors panic and checking every thing, But before you could say anything your head started spining and you lost consciousness again, The last thing you hear was the sound of doctors and the two strangers telling you to stay with them.

Welcomed by darkness again, but soon something started playing in front of you like a movie. You realised that it was a child's life story. A child who was lonely, isolated and extremely shy. You say the child be bullied, picked on, the two people who were with you in the hospital room dismissing the child. It stopped after you saw her get hit by a truck.

Then it stopped. And you saw the girl crying in what looked like a puddle. You went up to her and you guys talked, laughed and all in all had a fun time.

Then she said something and you again woke up in the hospital.

Please take care of my body and live like you want to in this life, for the both of us...... Don't try to avenge me, Okay Unnie*?

You woke up in the same hospital bed surrounded by the same people. But that girls words just kept spining in your head. What did she mean?

You sat up and saw your hands and dread washed over you, These were hands of a child, specifically the little girl you met the darkness.

You shouted asking for a mirror which the women beside you gve it to you....... No Fucking way, you became a child? The same child you met? Then it clicked, the words of the girl. OH MY GOD! you thought reincarnation only happed in Manhwas or Anime. So Wtf is this? did you get reincarnated in a Manhwa? Anime?

You were utterly shocked, absolutely baffeled. But composed yourself immediately, and asked for the date. It was February 15th 2007. Then you asked your age and were told you were 14, go to Gwaneum Middle School. Why did that name sound so familiar to you?

You were soon discharged and taken back home in Daegu Town, Again it sounded so familiar to you but you brushed it off as it being the body's memory.

After a month your school started and you met him.......... Min Yoongi..

WTF? Huhh? how? wat?? Okay you are probably dreaming, yup this dream.

You walked up to him and introduced yourself to him, but he just looked at you nodded and left, leaving you behind before you could say anything.

'Okay that was awkward' you thought

After that day, you started to befriend him, atleast try to, but he was extremly shy and isolated. But you still stayed, sometimes buying him food to show your sencierity and help him out knowing he didn't have much .

You also wrote all the BTS songs in a diary with a lock. wrote some other songs that were your favorite in another diary, since now you know why you were here. To help and protect them like you wanted and promised. That's right you were going to work a million times harder. Yes For them.

You weren't making progress in breaking down the walls around Yoongi's had built around his heart all of these years, but you weren't going to give up. So you kept trying, and trying. Doing things like joining him for lunch, buying him food and telling him you brought too much and he can have the extra, taking the bus with him and paying for him. Helping him without hurting him.

You finally broke down the walls he created after one incident. Yoongi being shy and unconfrontational stayed out of trouble, So if he'd get bullied he would take it.

One day Yoongi was late for lunch so you went to look for him, found him in the back of school wet with milk, and the carton lying near him, being bullied. He was clutching another one refusing to let go of it. The boy was hitting and slapping Yoongi's head and laughing at him while other boys record.

You saw red, Fucking bitch try to touch your Yoongi? Your SUGA? The kind hearted boy? You started voice recording and approaching them. With a sickly sweet voice you told them to leave Yoongi alone and asked him to come behind you. The boys whose name you didn't even try to get to know started insulting you and calling you names. Going as far as grabbing your shirt and ripping off some buttons. You screamed on purpose and started to "cry" and then the boys stopped recording, Bingo. You sneakily stopped recording yourself and then got up and said

"You Got 5 seconds to apologize."

5....

4...

they started laughing and mocking you

3..

Yoongi telling you to get away from there

2......

the boys again try to touch your chest but....

1.....

Lets just say they will never think of even looking in your direction after that.

You were called to the principal's office for that, and Yoongi wanted to accompany you to testify but you told him its fine and left alone. He never felt so powerless in his whole life. If you didn't know how to fight, who knows what would have happened.

You stood in front of the principal's office and pretended to cry. You guess all the extra curriculars your paents made you take did come in handy. You entered with puffy bloodshot eyes, red nose and cheek. Right of the bat the parents of the boys started accusing you and calling you a bitch and other derogatory names. You calmly told them that what you did was self defence. Again it went right over the parents head and now they were calling you a liar. Okay they refuse to settle this normally, you pulled out the recording from you phone, and placed it in front of them, playing it. They obviously were taken aback but composed themselves, It was the the principal's turn. He started to berate you, and took the recording and broke it.

Okay, so they chose the hard way, hhhaaaaaahhh you hoped they wouldn't be like this but it has to be done.

You fake pouted, looking at them. Looking back at the broken record and just started laughing.... Hard like a mad man. Then said...

"I guess it was real, what they show in all the k-drama. So I have to take revenge like how they do in them... Pity i was hoping to settle this peacefully."

Then you played something else.... The video of them bullying Yoongi.

How do you think your company will fare when they find out about this and the things you said right now? Hmm?

Taking out the recorder that you had kept ON for proof.

You smiled as you saw all their face turn pale. They started begging you, apologizing, While on their knees. Ahhhhh this feels good. You got up and tried to leave, when they asked if you'd forgive them. You looked back and smiled saying...

"Apologize to Yoongi like that and maybe I'll consider it, ne~~"

They did, They apologized to him on their knees making Him extreemly surprised. This is when Yoongi and you became close. After school that day, he grabbed your sleeve gently while you guys were walking to the bus station, you turned around and he was holding the same banana milk carton. He looked at you and then offered you the milk, catching you by surprise. He then said how you mentioned you liked banana milk but kept forgetting to buy it, so he bought one for you. You gently took it from his hand and started drinking it, you said it was the best thing you had tasted/drunk in a while, while a blush coated your face.

Your relationship changed and you both became inseparable, he became more expressive and talkative with you too. This lasted till Yoongi got a girlfriend. She was a sweet girl from your class whom you both befriended, when they announced that they were dating, everything changed. You often found yourself alone while they went on awkward dates, and the girl did tell you to keep a boundary now that he was in a relationship. You understood where she was coming from but you wanted to maintain the friendship.

This caused an argument, and you backed off. You distanced yourself from them to the point you stopped talking to either of them. And during that time you were selected for a compitation to represent Daegu Town. You went to Seoul to compete in it, and thats where you met another member, Kim Namjoon aka Rap Monster, representing Ilsan. The compatition was tough and you lost by 1 point. You and Namjoon did become friends after that and kept in contact. Till the few months Yoongi was dating, you got close to Namjoon. But after a few months Yoongi's girlfriend broke up. And boom a heartbroken and rain soaked Yoongi was standing in front if your door looking absolutely heartbroken.

Without hesitation you let him in, shoved him in the shower while cleaning up the water all over the place, reheating some food for him, You had made rice and Kimchi-guk (kimchi soup) since it was raining. Yoongi came out soon as you plated the food, a towel on his neck, still with the blank face which he made when he tried to hide his emotions. You sat him own on the floor, giving him the food and taking the towel to dry his hair. He was eating quitely but then suddenly spoke up...

"She broke up with me....."

"Huh?"

"My girlfriend.... she broke up with me...."

You knew this would happen but it still hurt to see him like this, you had realised that he didn't want you to press further or feel guilty for his sake. So you just hummed and then got up to get another towel because the one you were using got too wet and wasn't absorbing the water. Just as you were about to get up, his hand grabbed yous and a soft whisper of "stay" came out of his mouth. You wanted to tell him you'll be back but as soon as you turned around you saw Yoongi barely able to hold back his tears.

The towel was long forgotten and you immediately wrapped your hands around him bringing him into a hug, sat in silence while his tears soaked your shirt and you alternating between rubbing his back and playing with his hair. After he calmed down, you showed him to you spare room and made him sleep there since he is not n the right mind to drive or even walk.

After you made sure Yoongi was asleep, you slowly crept out of the room and went into you room. Because today, you and Namjoon were going to talk on the phone. You apologised for being late and explained that your friend had an emergency, he was understanding and you guys talked for hours about music and switching to studied whenever his parents or sister entered the room. You guys had planed to meet in 2 days but you had to postpone because of Yoongi. He said he didn't mind and you scedueled it for the next weekend.

The friendship between you and Yoongi grew even more, which you didn't even know was possible. He never put you second, and tried to redeem himself for the time he lost. On the other hand you visited Namjoon every other weekend and your bond grew stronger with him as well.

Few years passed and nothing really changed much, You life remained the same. Until for your high school trip you all were going to Gwangju Metropolitan City, where you bumped into Jung Hoseok. The world is a really small place. You both apologized and went your own ways, but fate had different plans for you. You separated from you group and strayed away to an unfamiliar area, and your phone was dead, suddenly 2 creeps started questioning you and trying to get you to come with them. That's when you saw Hoseok, and feeling scared you just loudly screamed "There you are!!! I was waiting for you" jogging up to him, he was sharp enough to understand the situation. He grabbed your hand and "reprameneded" you about staying from the group. He started leading you away as your hands trembled, as soon as they were out of sight, you knees gave out, if not for him you would have fallen hard. He was extremly worried. After few minutes you regained your composure and stood up with his help, You both walked to the nearest park where he sat you down, ram to a vending machine and got you a drink.

He gave you his phone so you could call for help but you were still a little shaken up. Absentmindedly you dialed Yoongi's number and gave it to Hoseok so he could talk since she was shaken up.

On the other hand You felt pathetic, at 14 you defended Yoongi from some rich and entitled people and now your trembling because of some random stranger? The reason was because this is an unfamiliar teritory, you don't know anything about this place. You really didn't want think about what could have happened if Hoseok didn't show up.

After Hoseok was done talking to Yoongi about the situation, turned his attention towards you, Yoongi had told him that he called your teacher and asked if Hoseok could keep you company while the teacher arrived, He already planed to do that so he agreed. You teacher came, obviously very worried and took you back not before thanking Hoseok. You handed him a note that had your number telling him how it would be nice to become friends with him.

During that week of your stay there, you met up with Him almost every day. You and him became pretty close and even after you left, you both kept in contact.

A year later, Yoongi told you about how he was going to audition to become a producer, which you encouraged and also told him how you'd accompany him. So in 2010, at the ripe age of 17, he joined the Big Hit Entertainment. You also got accepted, which left you confused but you weren't complaining. You were introduced to Namjoon by Yoongi, expecting you to not know him, but was very surprised to see you give him a hug and tell him how you missed him. You also met Hoseok again, and told Yoongi about him and how you met in the high school trip, and how they both talked. This eased the tension between the members, having a common topic to talk about, YOU.

A year later, you met the younger members during their training, an extremly shy Jeon Jeong-guk, The cute Kim Taehyung. But due to the age difference you couldn't get close to them, which made you sad, but it was understandable. You also met WWH, Kim Seokjin, you didn't get along immediately but still got along fine.

Another year later you met Park Jimin. He got along with Taehyung, as expected. And soon enough another year passed and BTS was formed, with an addition, YOU, L/N Y/N. Which the Hyung line (except Jin) was happy about since they already knew you, you were their back bone, Helping in every way possible, from cooking for them to helping them practice, no matter how tired you were. You always made sure they ate and healthy.

Their first song, "No More Dream" was released. Not getting much attention, which you expected but the others were much more disappointed. But you were there this time, helping them through it all.

And you made a solo album but the twist you copied songs like Labour by Paris Paloma, Alone by Nico Collins, Favorite by Issabel Larosa, and many more. You made sure they will still get the attention in the future.

For years, they worked hard but to nothing satisfying enough to make too much profit. It caused rifts between the member and the mental and physical exhaustion taking a toll on them. You yourself were barely holding it together, with the constant arguments, them neglecting their health. You were practically holding all of them together. But you were only human, during one argument between the members, you snapped, so fucking hard that it scared all of them. Tears rolling down your face, while you voice getting Hoarse from the shouting, after you were done, you felt nothing. And words came out with nothing but a whisper...

"I can't do this anymore...."

And with that you left the apartment, with nothing. When the members recovered from the shock, you were long gone. Yoongi being your childhood friend, ran out the door trying to search for you. It was late at night hence not safe for you to be outside, especially alone. He was soon followed by the others, Shouting your name, running around the neighbourhood, Tears clouding the younger member's eyes, fearing your safety, and about your words before you left. Your words playing in everyone's mind, haunting them.

After an hour of searching with nobody being able to find you, they returned home, hoping, begging for you to come back.

On the other hand, you felt like shit, the last thing they needed was you snapping and walking out on them. You took a walk for a while (like 2-3 Hours) without realizing the time, collecting your thoughts.

Back with the BTS members, they were coming to realization, you cooked for them 3 meals every day. You were up before them and slept after making sure all of them ate and were comfortable. You made sure they get a healthy and nutritious meal 3 times a day, atleast 5-6 hours of sleep, and also made sure to clean the apartment. Fuck, for years you did so much. You held them together. But who held you together? You had their backs but who had yours? You let them unwind in your arms but where did you take out your emotions? You helped them but who helped you? Not them... not anyone... Because you never showed it, Never once... They were too busy dealing with their own emotions to notice yours....

Man they felt like shit. No wonder you left. Who could blame you? They would leave too if they were you, long before this, you held on for soo long.... You were so strong, so amazing. God they couldn't describe what they were feeling in that moment. And their tears started to fall, without them realizing it.

You obviously came back to apologize for your out burst, but met with tear filled eyes of your other members. They were apologizing, with broken voice and sobs. You were surprised and also started to apologize, hugging them, and they compalined how you were still worried about them, to which you laughed and told them its second nature to you at this point.

After that day, they started to help out more around they house, with another rule, you will sleep with one of the members (not like that you unholy little shits), cuddle so they could make sure you get enough sleep too. They soon realized how different you acted when you were calmer. Your bond grew as a team and also this also stopped them from disbanding. They also became very over protective of you. Any signs of discomfort and they were beside you. Which you were grateful for.

But nothing goes as fucking planed, like fate loves to fuck with you, Since you all shared a place means no privacy, just your luck. You had brought your diary with you, the same diary you wrote all their songs in. It was locked obviously but one unfortunate day, it was found, by none other than your Leader. You didn't have to worry about it before since you always cleaned, but things changed and the others started to help out around the house. And everyone got curious when Namjoon brought it out, there were 2 of them, one obviously filled with what looked some pages added. There was one more thing, an old carton of banana milk, Yoongi recognized it immediately and got extremely flustered. Yoongi was unfortunately able to figure out the code, how? It was his birthday 090393, As soon as he started to read it, he felt sick, and vas about to vomit, dread washing over him, it was so sick. What do you mean when you wrote that you had died and woken up in someone else's body? What the actual fuck was this. Yoongi dropped the diary and ran towards the bathroom and vomited all the contents of the lunch. One by one all of them read it, not the whole way just the few pages. But all of them realized something and they needed answers. So they waited for you to come home.

You came home ready to tell everyone to freshen up while you cooked. But the moment you entered, you saw all seven of them sitting on the couch and their lied your diary. You dropped everything you were carrying as their gaze turned towards you, trembling with a face that show how horrified you were, instinctively your hand came to cover your mouth, griping it tightly. They were just looking at you until Jungkook spoke up.

"Noona... please tell me the things in this diary is a joke" looking at you, pleading for you to agree with him, hands trembling. Jin was next to speak up

"Y/N..... answer him... Is it true?" His voice betrayed the face he was making.

"FOR FUCKS SAKE ANSWER HIM!!" Yoongi shouted at you making you and the others flinch since Yoongi never raises his voice. That moment, all eyes were on you, waiting for an answer.

Your voice was soft, they wouldn't have caught it if the room wasn't so silent.

"Yes.... Everything in it is true.... I did die and woke up in this body... I- I wanted to tell you guys but...." Your voice was trembling, you were terrified of the changes that will come in your relationship. Shocked and horrified, they just left you there in the living room, to comprehend what you just said. It hit Yoongi the hardest since he knew you for the longest.

Everything changed after that day, they started to avoid you like a plague. No matter how hard you tried, hell they wouldn't even eat the food you made.

You were getting more and more numb as the days passed, this was torture for you. You had made your life's purpose to help them, stay with them... Live for them, but they don't want you there, No reason to live... Right? You reached you breaking point when they excluded you from the song you all were working on. That day you returned home, lay on the bed till it was almost time, thinking about what could have been while waiting for the others to return. Just before the time of their return, you grabbed your phone and left the house. Tonight you were going to end your suffering along with the burden you've been carrying with you.

You didn't know they returned early. Jimin saw you leaving, and his gut had this feeling he couldn't describe it, it could be called dread but it was much worse. So he inform the other members and they understood, and then all of them started to follow you, secrately.

You were out of it while walking to a certain building. You've been watching it, observing the time people left it and when you could access it, without disturbance. You reached the building, it had about 12 story high, so death won't be instant but you could take a few minutes of pain. You took the stairs, slowly making your way up. When you reached the top, you started to walk closer to the edge, there was space on the other side of the railing. You too off your shoes, let your hair down ( if you have short hair ignore this line) and went on the other side and just sat down. Hair flowing with the cool breeze giving you moments of comfort before it was all about to end. You got up, closed your eyes while turning to the roof top, holding the bar, and leaning over the edge and then you let go. Suddenly you felt a hand hold yours, leaving you dangling over the building. You opened your eyes to see Jungkook holding your hand with all his strength while also holding the railing with the other.

He was grabbed by Namjoon, so he let go of the railing and held you using both of his arms. Hoseok also joined him to help while Jin held him. You smiled at them softly and then whispered

"I'm Sorry." And then used your feet to push yourself out of his grip, but Hoseok caught you and Jungkook didn't let go.

When they were finally able convince you and coax you , to pull yourself back up on the roof with their help, you did. And then were met by a slap by Jimin and then hugged by him, speaking incohearent words between his loud and heartbreaking sobs, soon others were also hugging you trembling but Jungkook and Hoseok stood a little far looking at their hands. After the others let go of you, you made your way to the two members standing looking at their hands. How could you be so stupid? Traumatizing a literal child because of your selfishness. Softly you called their name and they snapped out of whatever they were thinking and look at you, back at their hands. Tears now steaming down their face as they tackled you in a hug crying loudly.

After everyone clamed down, They asked you about your past life and you told them, leaving the part out where they were famous because you were scared something might happen to them if you did tell them. They were very curious, and you found that adorable. While you were reminiscing, you casually mentioned about your suicide attempts in your past life, and how they saved you then as well, Traumatizing them further.

The other members then told you that they were avoiding you because they wanted to process things and also ask about the whole back story, Yoongi apologized for yelling, telling you he wasn't angry, Just scared for you and what you went through alone. You understood their reaction, and told them it was fine. This raised even more concerns because you are acting like you didn't just try to kill yourself just a few seconds ago. This was voiced by Yoongi and you told him that you were used to dealing with mental burdens alone. Which RM interrupted and told you you aren't alone like you were in the past life. You have them, everyone nodded at that statement and you chuckled due to how cliche it sounded and how comical they looked nodding like that. That night on that roof, all the secrates you kept to yourself, all out in the open. You felt vulnerable but it wasn't necessary a bad thing.

You were happy that it was now no longer a secrete because, you can express yourself more and not act like everything was okay every time.

Its Okay Not To Be Okay. ( see what i did there?)

After that incident, they never left alone, atleast one member will accompany you, everywhere. You want to cook, let Jin join. You want to paint? Jungkook is ready with supplies. You want to produce music? Suga is waiting for ya. You wanna perfect your choreography? J-Hope and Jimin are waiting in the dance studio. You wanna nap? You can ask anyone. You want to practice your vocal? V is ready to help.

You also released a SOLO called "HEAL" which had 2 songs ' My R' and 'Miss wanna die'. which represented the sucide attempt but also a senario where "what if Jungkook wasn't able to reach you." It stared every members and their grives when it happend, it was raw with feelings. The music video replaying the events of the day with some extra touches. Like a devestating screem of Yoongi as you fell from the roof. and some more emotional stuff. It was there to serve as a reminder to you and the group of what you went through together. You also got a tattoe, a mix of a semicolan and a butterfly sybolising new begining.

Every day was the same until.... You got a call. Caller ID displaying the name "Eomma" (mom). You picked up and greeted her, she returned the greeting and then started to ask about your how your music and stuff was doing, you told her it was going great. To which she replied how happy she is and then told you how your whole family was in Seoul and they wanted to meet. You were suspicious because the last time you saw her or even spoke to her was in the hospital, when you woke up in this body. You reluctantly agreed, She was happy to hear that and told you to wear a pretty dress and look decent and the coming Sunday meet them at the Wangbijib Sicheong Mugyo. You told the other members, Yoongi told you in private that he also has the same suspicions as you and asked if he could accompany you along with Jin. You agreed since it would be more comfortable with them around.

Since it was a fancy restaurant, you made the to males wear tux, and you wore a a Gown (something like this or you can imagine whatever you want). Soon you all reached there and met with the sight of 4 unfamiliar faces along with your family. You made your way to them slowly and after reaching politely greeted them with a low bow. Your mother introduced the women as Ji-eun, the man as Dong-hyun, the boy as Hyun-woo and the girl as Jin-a. You introduced yourself while taking seat and also introduced you band members Min Yoongi and Kim Seokjin.

Your mother asked why you were being accompanied by them to which you replied policy. They understood and stated ordering, while holding a pleasent conversation. The food arrived and everyone started eating. You knew something was up because Hyun-woo kept stealing glances, and Ji-eun was gushing how well mannered you were and how beautiful you looked. Then they came to the point which made you deadpan. Marriage.....

You Parents decided to arrange your marriage with one of their bussiness partner's son. The moment this was brought up Jin choked on his drink while Yoongi's mouth fell open. You calmly wiped your mouth with the napkin provided, and interrupted the two women who were gushing about how you both should get engaged as soon as possible, by saying something that horrified both of them...

"Sorry to burst your bubble but i have no interest in marriage."

I mean why would you wanna marry someone when you have dedicated your whole life to BTS? You planed to stay by their side and marriage or even a relationship will hinder with your plans. So its a big No.

You mother tried to brush it off as you being funny but you interrupted again telling them you were serious. Your mother became furious and started to go on rant about how you need to have a good husband and children before its too late and you should stop wasting time. Your brother who was silent the whole time spoke up saying he respected your choice, infuriating your mother even more.

Jin and Yoongi stayed silent not knowing what to do. Ji-eun started telling you about her son and how successful and hansome he is. You pointed at Jin calling him the most handsome man you've met also using his infamous nickname WWH. This infuriated her and the dinner ended right then and their. Your brother drove you and the guys, telling you that he will always be there for you and not to worry about mother, and he will handle everything. He told you to live your life, which not gonna lie made you a bit emotional.

After your brother dropped you off, you gave him a hug and told him to keep in contact. The two elder members had told the others while you were busy with your brother effectively causing chaos.

Your brother kept his promise and shifted all of you in a bigger home for privacy and comfort, but mainly he didn't like the idea of you sharing a room with hormonal men who can take advantage of your kindness, his words not yours. Life went back to how it was.

Years passed and BTS then blew up, and hate for you started to pour in, about how you were ruining the group. It didn't bother you though, it was natural. But you couldn't say the same for the others. They made a firm statement on every platform, saying any hate towards you is a hate towards all of them, as they were a team.

But one incident where an interviewer had targeted you, bringing up all the hate and rumors to try to fluster you, but even before you could respond, the members got up and started walking away, you were picked up by RM and all of them just walked off. Since it was live the moment they stepped out, all the members reposted the statement and also stated that they will no longer be going to interviews like these.

Everyone soon found your solo album and boom all the haters who questioned your singing and dancing shut up. You don't show off in the band music because you wanted them to shine, but you don't have that restriction when you do solos.

Your other SOLO "HEAL" was also discoverd and people started to hate on you again for writing a song so sensitive without experiencing what those feelings were. You and all the members went live after having enough of the contovercies and reveled your sucidal past. This made people feel very guilty but you understood. You alsi made a statement saying misunderstanding happen and its fine. You were loved more after that.

You also made another solo, This time it had Alan Walkers future songs, You made sure to include him since he did produce so the only thing you did was sing his songs. SUGA was also there to help produce since you aren't allowed to be alone. He wouldn't admit it but he was a little jealous that you went to another producer and not him

That album blew up even more and you got your own fan club like the rest of them. And you were happy. But you didn't consider something..... Their developing feelings for you....

Namjoon was the first to fall for you. For him, it was love at first sight. The day of the competition in Seoul, he saw you and his heart beat increased. The way you'd carry yourself with such elegance and confidence, and during the competition, your voice was smooth but carried authority. Plus he never met someone who could match him like such . He was so sure you would win but you didn't, you lost by a single point. He wanted to congratulate you, who knows maybe get you number..... He over heard you telling someone that since you found him cute and let him win.. He left but then you came up to him and congratulated him and also gave him your number. Overtime, the more you chatted, the more his feeling developed,.......

Yoongi, even after being self aware, did not realise his feeling towards you. After getting a girlfriend, he subconsiously started comparing her to you, never saying it out loud. But all the little thigs you did to spoil him, or when you always hold his his hand while crossing the road or when you both are in crowded places. And after you started to avoid him, he would do the little things only to realize you weren't there. His girlfriend noticed, and decided to end the relationship. Yoongi was a gentleman, but it was you you who made him a better version of himself. She realized and ended it, Of course as expected, Yoongi didn't know, or understand why, She actually felt bad but it had to be done. She did offer they stay friends, He accepted and left, And for some reason it felt right to her. She figured Yoongi went to you. The next time they met alone, it was awkward but she finally told him,

"It was Y/N-nie that you have feelings for, not me. The feeling you felt towards me were just a reflection of what you felt towards her. I can guarenty it since i just know that you went to her after our break up, not that it bothered me since its a habit of yours.... You always go to her in the time of need and you always look relaxed with her... It isn't platonic Yoongi-sunbae.... You love her, more than you realize it. Please think about it."

She then left after giving a shallow bow. Reaching home he laid in his bed wide awake, even when his mind and body were begging him to sleep, her words fresh in his mind 'it isn't platonic...... you love her, more than you realize' . Does he? I mean he finds you absolutely breath taking, he also love all the small quirky habits you had. And god that smile, That smile which lights up his world....... Fuck he really does love you doesn't he.... And after realising it, it just started to grow him. Maybe he might act on them, maybe in the future.

Kim Seok-Jin's feelings were developed the most normal way. It became from friends to crush. He was delighted to find out that you would be a trainee with him, and he also helped you better your pronounciation skills, and you helped him with dancing. And he slowly started to fall for you. He was going to act on it but stopped when you mentioned you aren't looking for a relationship and want to focus on being a better idol. It made him sad but he understood. It also made him fall for you more, you passion and determination.

Jung Hoseok's feelings were complicated due to trust issues and past relationship, where his girlfriend cheated on him. So he prefered platonic since you were also popular with the guys, and you were also best friends with a guy, Min Yoongi, a fellow trainee. He didn't want to make things complicated, even though he belived you both will never be in the same group. He remembers you from when he saved you, and how you dialed Yoongi's number instead of your parents, and you two were practically inseprable even during the training. He had mixed feelings about this since you never talked you the other female trainees (you did but just never showed it). But he couldnt resist your charms, your passion, your hard work..... And your caring nature. He fell, Hard. He knew there will possibly be a love triangle but he didn't mind.. Its not like his rivals will be in the same group right? (lol)

The Maknae line fell for you simultaniously. Taehyung fist, then Jimin and lastly Jeong-guk. Taehyung was a normal teenager who went for looks and you were his type, but he started to truly fall for you when you all became a Band. He remembers you taking care of him, making sure he was alright, but one perticular incident stuck out to him which solidified his feelings for you. When you stood up to the manager about his cloths, Taehyung has cholinergic urticaria, meaning sweat and high body temperature cause hives all over his body, His manger was forcing him to wear tight cloths but you drilled the manager ( since you have a rich brother who was also an investor) and made sure he was comfortable. You also carried a a small electrical fan for him. These small gestures were arrow to his heart, like cupid struck him. As these gestures continued, his feelings also grew.

Park Jimin saw a side of you that only Yoongi had seen until then, It being your clumsy side. You were always careful during your trainee years, and even after the group was formed, but he'd always see you stumble and catch yourself, sometimes even chanting 'don't fall' like a mantra while carrying and walking. He found it absolutely adorable, he noticed your silly quirks and loved them. He also loved how caring you were and also extreemly passionate about your practice. Every time any of the manager would give them a hard time, you would be there to defend them. He loved it, He developed feelings soon after, when one of the manager was giving him an earful for something which was never his fault and he couldn't control, the manger who you later called was on 'power high'. You had shut the manger down so hard that the dude quit. He considered you his and everyone's 'Guardian Angel'

Jeon Jeong-guk, a.k.a Jungkook, joined the Big Hit when he was no older than 13. When he joined, he expected to do everything by himself, and probably not have a childhood. But he was roomed with you due to the lack of space, he was reluctent to share a space with a women much less a pretty one. But all the hesitance vanished the moment he met you. You were so warm and caring, even letting him skip out on chores sometime, but being warm didn't mean you weren't strict. You had always made sure he completed his school work, and kept a balance between spoiling him and disciplining him. You were also very cool in his eyes because of how you defended him and the other younger trainees. He didn't feel any romantic interest till the prank that BTS pulled on his 16th birthday, ( this one, if you haven't seen it). The moment cake came out, you immediately hugged the boy, and he started crying, after a while you were calming down Jungkook with hugs and kisses. Jungkook had then told them that, he was scared that his hyungs and producer were scolding him but the moment you said that you were disapointed in him, he couldn't keep it together and was scared you'd stop spoiling him. He also realised how jealous he got when you'd spoil other members the same way, and then went to Namjoon for advice. To which he found out he was in love.

You trying to kill yourself was a wakeup call for them and they had a meeting on your day off, without you. Every member confessed their feelings for you to each other, and realised it was either they had to fight for your affection or they could share it. They came to the decsion of sharing and protecting you. Since they all loved you, and you care so much for them, You must love the too right?

When they became famous, they kept seeing edits about you and another members, romantic ones. They even started to ship you with the Boys. They had requested their then manager to ask your opinion on it. To which you told him,

"I find them hilarious, I mean have you seen the boys? They are wayyy out of my league. If it were true then damn I'd win the loterry, But it won't happen, cuz I'm like a rock between Diamonds" while laughing.

What...... You think you don't deserve them? How could you? Can't you see how amazing you were? Truth be told they are the ones who don't deserve you....

I guess they have to just show you How important you are to them, Now don't they?

Why don't they recreate some of the fanfics you have been reading hmm....?

You'd like it right....?

A/N: OMFG FINALLYY, My blood, sweat and tears like by god it took too long. At this point i had another idea which i will write and almost dropped this one but i didn't want to keep others who actually look forward to my writing, waiting. Its been more than a month, Which I'm sorry about. I hope you enjoy!!! And wait for part two (it will take a while since i have another fic in mind right now) For right now i kept an open ending but in part two I'll write more about the romantic development in their relationships. Feel free to leave me ideas in the comments and how you thought Y/N ended up with the members?

Stay Safe, Healthy And Hydrated

[writinghotchner]

the infinite amount of times you saved yourself, and the one time you didn't have to

Pairing: aaron hotchner/reader Rating: M (sfw) Warning: talks of self harm & depression (nothing too descriptive)

----

i really don't know why this came into my brain, but i couldn't shake it so...here we go. please mind the warnings and take care of yourselves <3

----

you have a small moment of wanting to relapse after being clean for so long and aaron finds you in the bathroom

you've dealt with self harm since you could remember. it started with hitting yourself as a child and then progressed into scratching, and then eventually when you got a little older, you got your hands on a pack of brand new razor blades. and then it became a problem. it stemmed from lack of control, a therapist once told you, so any time you felt like you were in a situation you couldn't control - or felt the need to control - you'd immediately take it out on yourself. the only thing you could control was the pain. and, as sad as it is, it always made you feel better. it stopped the spiraling and the crying and the heaving of breathe that you could never fully suck into your lungs.

you're not entirely sure how you got here in this moment. in your underwear and bra on the bathroom floor of the apartment you share with your boyfriend. he works for the fbi, travels a lot, never really seems to be home...but it still works. you've never been in such a healthy, loving relationship before, despite the distance. so maybe that's why you feel the tinge of guilt sitting on top of the unbearable sadness that rumbles in your chest like a brewing hurricane.

you're happy. for maybe the first time in your life. you have a great, albeit, stressful job, a handful of good friends and you're potentially with the love of your life...so...how did you get here? on the floor of the bathroom in the apartment that you share with your boyfriend. who is, unfortunately, or fortunately, still at work. he wasn't out of town, thankfully, but his attention was still needed in quantico. he could potentially show up at any moment. and that sends a bizarre lightening strike of adrenaline down your spine. if you're going to do it, now's the time. before he comes home and sees the mess you've made, yet again, and leaves. like almost everyone else has done before.

you know this is a pattern. you'd been stuck in a depression vortex for most of your life, so when good things start happening your brain immediately throws you ten steps backwards, and you wind up like that scared, lonely teenager, clutching something sharp and willing yourself to either do it...or don't.

you'd never really been good with talking yourself out of it. and now is no different. you can do it, and hide it for as long as you can. put on the facade that everything is and has always been great. and then he'll see the fresh marks, and you'll immediately fall back into being that scared, lonely child begging people to not leave you.

you'd done this so many times that it's almost comical that you keep hoping that this is the one time you can talk yourself out of it. but then, what else can you brag about, if not that your are your own hero. always the one to save yourself. not that anyone's ever really stuck around long enough to even try to be the hero.

but still, you picture aaron charging through the bathroom door, his short hair suddenly long and flowing in some magical wind and lifting you into his big, strong arms and hauling you off to some beautiful place where you can breathe.

you close your eyes and sigh. your legs are starting to go numb from how your sitting on the tile floor. now or never the pathetic little voice floats around your brain.

you take a deep breath, straighten out your left arm and grip the razor blade tighter....

just as your about to zip the blade through your flesh, you hear the front door open and then close. you hear aaron shuffling around calling out for you.

"honey?" he says loudly, walking into the bedroom, where the bathroom your in is attached to.

for some reason, that's what breaks you. you let the blade fall out of your hand and choke on a sob that has been threatening to come out since you got home.

you can hear him on the other side of the door, jiggling the handle. "honey, are you in here?" the door is locked and you don't know if you have it in you to get up and let him in. funnily enough, you're not sure you want him to come him - despite the little hero fantasy you had moments ago.

you suck in a deep breath and you try to calm your voice. "hey, yeah, i'll be out in a second. just getting out of the shower."

you wince at your lie and you can immediately tell that he doesn't believe you. he's a professionally trained human reader, of course he was going to see right through that. maybe you kinda wanted him to.

"sweetheart," he says softly. "i can hear it in your voice. please open the door."

your lip quivers as this unknown fear settles deep inside of you. you've never been so scared of someone seeing this side of you.

another sob escapes you before you even realize it was there, and you know it was loud enough for him to hear. he doesn't wait for you to open the door, instead he throws the side of his hip into it and it cracks open, a piece of small metal clanking around on the ground from the handle.

you can't even look up at him. you've crumbled in on yourself, legs crossed and elbows on your thighs, head in your hands as you finally just let it all out.

"hey," he says softly, and you can suddenly feel his big warm hand on your bare back. "are you hurt? what's going on?"

he moves his hand off your back and puts it softly around your wrist, pulling it away from your face. he uses his other hand to turn your face to him, his eyes immediately scanning for any blood or wounds.

"y/n, i need you to say something, i'm thinking the worst here," he whispers, his eyes never leaving yours. the hand that he used to move your face is now cupping your cheek, his thumb wiping away the falling tears.

you still don't say anything, if anything the embarrassment of it all has your tongue. so instead you sit up and fall into his chest where he immediately circles his arms around your shoulders, hugging you to him securely. your heart thuds in your chest as you realize at this position, he can see the fallen razor blade that was to the side of you, hidden by your legs before. you know he's going to see it, he sees everything.

sure enough, you can tell when he spots it. because he pushes your body way from him his, just far enough to where he can look down at your entire body, looking for any signs of blood or bandaging.

"i didn't-" you rasp out. he runs his hands up your arms and uses both hands to cup your cheeks. you can't place the expression on his face, but you know it isn't good. it's never good to make someone you love so much worry so much about you. you feel stupid and even more embarrassed now. a vicious cycle.

"were you going to?" he asks. the concern in his voice loud enough to knock you over.

more tears fall, you want to curl in on yourself and hide away under the rug, but he doesn't let you move your head.

"i think so."

"honey.." his voice is so sad and so concerned. it breaks you even more. you fall back into his chest and he lets you, his arms once again coming around to hug you to him.

"is this something you've done before?"

you take in a deep breath. being in his arms like this always makes you feel better, and the fact that he can't see your face right now makes this conversation a tiny bit easier.

"since i was a kid," you blow out a steady stream of air, willing the hurricane in your chest to go with it. "i stopped for a long time. it felt kinda childish to keep doing it well into adulthood, so i replaced it with other things...." you trail off and he squeezes you tighter and kisses your shoulder.

"and then, y'know, you get older, you get a job, you learn how to distract your brain from the self destructive cycle. but i think i locked the beast away for too long, because tonight i just...couldn't..."

you feel him take in a deep breath. he pulls away from you and runs his hands down your arms and holds your hands.

"i'm glad you didn't. is there anything i can do to help? can we maybe make a plan for the future so it doesn't come down to this again?"

you nod. "i've...never had anyone offer that before. most people just...leave."

he pulls you into a small, soft kiss. his hands are back on your cheeks, and he pushes your hair out of your face. "it'll take a lot more than this to make me leave, honey. we can get through this together. whatever you need."

and for the first time in your entire life, you didn't care about having bragging rights to being your own savior. for once, you can't wait to tell someone how you met the love of your life and how he stood by your side and helped you through the unimaginable. and never gave up on you.

[oneshotnewbie]

what about an Alt oneshot where the reader really struggles with Elliot leaving? Because Elliot was like a father to her so when she finds out hes gone she breaks down crying in Liv's arms. Liv has to have her in therapy because she struggles with feelings of abandonment and being unwanted like she becomes depressed?

ᕚ---ᕘ

The sound of dripping water echoed in the bathroom. Darkness surrounded you and only a single, lonely candle stood on the edge of the bathtub. Its flame flickered in the gentle breeze that rushed through the tilted window, throwing dark, scurrying shadows on the bare white tires.

You had not been this low to the ground in ages but it was only a matter of time before your family broke. Things have not been going well for weeks between Olivia and her partner, who was like a father figure to you.

Quarrels with unrequited feelings and hurtful situation mixed with the incident at the precinct, where he shot a young woman, was the last straw. Elliot was gone. Swallowed up by the earth without saying goodbye. He had simply quit his job and disappeared.

With an idefinable gaze, you looked into the puny candle flame. You drew your knees up and laid your head on them. Sitting there, your arms wrapped tightly around your body. Lonely, lost and abandoned.

Everyone who ever loved you was gone. Only your mother was still here. But she, too, had her own life. Olivia had her new team, her important job and everything started to seem worthless around you. Just a girl who was only almost grown.

You swallowed hard and put your hand on your chest. Firmly, you pressed against your chest and ran your cold fingers over your sternum. Gasping for air, your nails clawed at thin skin, feeling the pain that wrapped itself around your heart and slowly covered it with black spots.

A single tear fell onto your bare knee and slowly ran down your lower leg, disappearing into the sea of water that encased you. Slowly, you lowered yourself into the bathwater until your body and head were completely submerged in the cool wet. The world around you obliberating and dwindling in waves, you lingered further on your thoughts.

This heart. Bruised and a witness to terribly painful losses. If only you could close this heart off, protect it from further pain, then you would finally be free. You would finally be the girl without ballast, finally be able to be able to love again without fear of abandonment.

You felt awful, started hating yourself even though it was the people you should hate for giving you love and stealing it again. For all the broken pieced they left your heart in.

"Y/n!" the matching face suddenly appeared to the muffled voice entering your ears, the expression bearing a worried and anxious grimace. Olivia quickly pushed her hands through the wall of water, grabbing your shoulders before pulling you up with a mighty jerk. "What the hell are you doing?"

You gasped, took a few deep breaths, and refilled your lungs with the oxygen it needed. The darknes had seduced you and made you forget that your body was already screaming for air while you were lost in your mind. "I-I am sorry"

Feeling the cold gradually sifting through your bones, crushing you and eating you from the inside out, you were thankful that your mother immediately grabbed a towel and wrapped it around your shoulders, gently stroking your upper arms.

There was no sound. Even the drops of water that fell from your damp hair seemed afraid to move. The silence between both of you was so stifling, that Olivia held her breath for several secounds before taking a cautious step towards you, sitting on the floor next to the bathtub before leaning against the wall.

"Y/n?" she breathed, listened strenously into the darkness and looking into your pale face, whose color once had a beautiful beige hue. The sight of her daughter was far more painful than she had ever thought possible and she had to restrain herself from letting tears flow.

A thousand small but sharp needles pierced her heart. The woman knew it had something to do with Elliot´s departure, shortly after telling you that you would probably never come back, you had completely changed character and turned distant. Yes, almost depressed. "I want you to see a therapist," she whispered in a trembling voice and reached out a hand that stroked a stray strand of hair from your face.

Your eyes instantly watered as you began to sniffle. "Was I not worth anything to him? Not even a goodbye?" you whimpered softly, ignoring the sentence that just left your mothers mouth. A single tear trickled down your cheeks, mixing with the pearls of bath water that dripped down your chin in unison.

"Why did he leave us?" you sobbed and she leaned forward, dropping her head onto yours. Your voice cracked, fading until your body shook with silent tears in her embrace. "I thought we were family. H-he was like a father to me!"

Olivia´s hand found yours and intertwined with your fingers gently, as if you would break if she made a wrong move. She understood the pain you endured, knew exactly what such an exit without warning could do to a soul. Especially one as young as yours.

That Elliot chose to escape his emotional problems by disappearing was typical for him. Still, she missed her partner. The warmth that surrounded his body. The perfume that gradually faded and was forgotten. The woman missed the stubborn guy with aggression problems. The man who was a friend to her, if not a lot more.

He was the first guy to show her that there could be a relationship between friendship and family. Strong and unique like she had never felt before in her life. They had solved the most diverse and dangerous cases and defeated the worst people.

Elliot was one of the most important people her daughter´s life, along with her and Amanda but now he was gone. Now she had to sweep up the shards he had left behind and glue them together.

She was willing to stand by you and follow in his footsteps to represent both sides of being a parent. It would be difficult, especially at first, but she knew you could both do it together.

Tears rolled freely down her cheeks as she broke out of her painful thoughts while standing up and slowly pulling your petrified and blunted body out of the bathtub. While she dried you off and dressed you, gently combin your wet hair and blow-drying it, you were completely absent to reality, staring blankly at the cold tiles decorating the sink. 

Shivering and surrounded by inner coldness, you felt like freezing to death. It was too painful to fight it back. Cold was the pain you felt since he was gone, and you did not know if it would ever fade away.

[lakesbian]

rachel and alec are specifically interesting to me re the undersider Situations as of early worm posting. thats right for the first time in my life im saying rachel specifically is interesting to me. everyone on the team is at least a bit lonely i think but it's so loud and obvious with rachel, because she's loud and obvious about everything. she's a disabled teen who's been homeless since she was very young. she was deeply abused by the foster home system, and the legal system responded to her wounded and confused outbursts as an autistic child by criminalizing her and hunting her down. she can't exist in public without the cops being called. society has done everything to demonstrate that it doesn't want her, and then blames her when she doesn't trust people.

brian says that the undersiders are the closest thing she can have to friends. alec says that they're the closest thing she has to a family. (which is an entire can of worms in itself wrt alec's relation to the undersiders.) and both of those things are true, but there's also something so tragic in their assumption that their tenuous connection w/ rachel where she can only just barely tolerate them is the best she can ever have. they're the only people she can even remotely trust to have her back or treat her somewhat fairly instead of fucking her over, but they're still fundamentally considering her beyond close connection, less of a friend or someone to attempt befriending and more of someone to keep on a leash. of course taylor is the only one to actually get close to her--taylor is the only one who tries to engage with her, as a person, on rachel's own terms, instead of begrudgingly tolerating her. rachel :(

& alec is the other team member who's in the Extra Lonely Isolation Club...he gets silly with the team sometimes, he has his little teenage banter w/ brian, he and lisa are clearly very familiar with each other in the way ppl who've been living together for a year and a half are. it's really good for him. it's the first time in his entire life he's gotten to have a consistent home with his own belongings, and he's getting to have it because he's part of the undersiders. the undersiders are literally the first people in his entire life that approach counting as a friendship. he gets SO FUCKING MAD!!! when he leaps to assuming that rachel stole the money from them. he gets So Mad he immediately goes "i vote we kill her" and then goes on a seething rant about how he wouldn't have thought she'd do that since the undersiders are the closest she has to family, but apparently she would. and the projection is so obvious! he's not wrong about applying the sentiment to rachel, but there's a reason he goes farther than brian's "closest she has to friends" and into the more intimate territory of "closest she has to family"--the two-way street there means that the undersiders are the closest he has to family, and the idea of being betrayed by one of them hurts enough to trigger the aggression he always displays when he's feeling vulnerable.

and he still doesn't tell them Jack Shit. he obviously lies to them all the fucking time, because brian is under the impression that he "dropped out" of school, when the reality is that he never went. even lisa brings up heartbreaker to taylor without any awareness that he's the father of the boy she's been living with for over a year. alec spends most of the early arcs in worm in dissociative, depressed fugues. the other undersiders have lengthy conversations where they're sharing personal info and he's just trailing along behind them, not speaking for so long that even the readers can forget he's there. lonely broken little shell of a boy who is so empty all of the time and does not even know it. aisha cannot get here fast enough if i have to see him being depressed and disconnected for one (1) more chapter i will explode

[ladythornofrivia]

popsicle

pair: sanzu x reader

warnings: cheating, sanzu being naughty, and toxic husband with profanity, secret affair, mentions of depression, mentions of insecurities, sanzu being h*rny and flirty, sanzu being a douchebag, but still lovable in his own way.

a/n: sorry being inactive. i’ve been obsessed with Getou, hence I changed my username. oh yes, i also have an ao3 account, yay!

• On a hot summer day, you stayed at the house, waiting for your husband to come home. It happens quite often when you’re bored and repressed by the expectations of what it means to be a good wife. Cleaning, pampering, and the means of being a “tidy wife”.

• Your husband didn’t come home that night. The food you prepared went into the fridge or at the trash bin, sometimes you ate the whole meal to a point where a husband shames your big appetite. Kept bragging about how the girls in porn magazines have much better figure and features. You couldn’t help but to feel down. You know that in your heart the girls in magazines have more plastic than the ocean combine.

• One morning, you overheard him talking in his sleep, moaning, even. You didn’t want the noise so you slept on the couch. Though when you went to the bathroom, you overheard your husband talking, awake. You have no clue to who he was talking to, but his expression said otherwise. And it wasn’t promotion.

• The next morning, your husband was nowhere to be found. And feeling a little lonely, the urge to touch yourself from the tightness in your pajama pants, so you quickly went onto the couch, took off your clothes, and tried to find a pornographic video you could find on your phone. From there, you stumbled across the video, also in the couch, you find yourself watching a gorgeous man with long pink hair and teal eyes under the long white lashes, brutally pounding his dick inside the girl’s cunt. With a girl’s whiny moans, it was almost a deal breaker, but with a gorgeous man before your eyes, he winked at the camera and sped up his thrusts against her. You finger coated with cum, but it wasn’t enough. You wanted more. You wanted to be in the same position as the girl on the video.

• And with that, you found yourself lucky with enough time in the house, wanting to be seen on the internet. At first you posted videos and selfies on the account, taking three shots until finding a perfect photo, but decided to upload all of them together. Then you decided to become as a part-time cam girl. Doing a first video of masturbation was awkward at first. So you took a shower and put a lot of skincare to make an effort of looking flawless on screen first. The moment the awkward tension has gone down, you sat down, without undergarments, with your spread legs, your fingers dipped down into the hole as your breasts bounced for every movement shifted. Coming down from a high climax was real accomplishment, thus planning to have more brand new lingerie to tease the audience.

• The next morning, your account on the cam website blown up. Your cam girl views went viral through pornographic websites, your figure is and your skin are lustrous and flawless. Even on the tweets, you have gone viral—your body has gone viral. Many likes and many comments. And all the pornstars wanted to collab with you. Most of all, what got your attention is when Sanzu subtweeted your videos and commented on every single pictures you posted, praising you with dirtiest comments.

• Everything is perfect. Except the efforts of keeping secrecy from your husband, living as a double life will be impossible, unless blurting out that you’re making good money from the elicit websites. With your husband ignoring your existence, it should be easy, despite being hurtful by his intentions. At night, you waited for him to fall asleep to do your naughty sessions online. More views had gone up, and with your social media accounts, pornstars have bombarded you with not so flirting and thirsting. You ignored all of them except for the gorgeous man with pink hair who goes by the name of Sanzu. Sanzu is the most popular pornstar/camboy. Although you’ve seen him from the screen, you wanted to know what he sounds like.

•Even in your dreams, you dreamt of him fucking you in you and your husband’s bed. Everything were hopes and dreams, but then days changed when your friend decides to set up a group hangout, you and your friends hung out at the department store to wear for the karaoke. Accidentally bumping against a tall frame, you apologized immediately, you looked up and saw tall men in suits. When one was about to grip on your shirt, the other man stepped in and told the other guy to back off. You immediately noticed the long pink hair, but you have never seen a gorgeous face with diamond-shaped scars. Maybe you’ve mistaken the man for Sanzu. Maybe he isn’t Sanzu. He looks like him, but he looks terrifying.

• Though you weren’t the only one checking him out. Sanzu checked you out with a long teasing glimpse and gave a smirk. For a while it’s been awkward full of groups, but eventually you and Sanzu hit it off, hanging out and singing in the karaoke. Sanzu wanted to be alone with you; he figured out who you are based on your birthmark on your neck; your hair style tucked at the backside. He couldn’t help but to flirt with you more as you separated your ways from the group. Luckily your husband wasn’t home.

• Sanzu bought two popsicles—both strawberry flavored—a perfect way to savor the sweet, hot summer. As you relished the taste of popsicle, Sanzu couldn’t help but noticed your tongue swirling on the tip, then trailed down at the length. When he cleared his throat, you looked up at him, realizing what you’ve done, thus behaving like a good girl.

• You and Sanzu talked until he said, “I know who you are. I did my research after my own live stream. You’re (y/n), the girl with good grades and reputation, never drink or do drugs, never had sex, even with your husband. Your husband won’t be home for a while; he’s out with his mistress. He always leaves early and arrives here later at night.”

• You staggered, licking your lips as you stare at Sanzu drinking and eating the sight of him like a popsicle. “How did you know?”

• Sanzu chuckled, trailing his fingers onto your skin. “I know my ways of knowing everybody. You’re aware of the organization that controls the area you’re living in right now. I kill traitors and cheaters alike. Sanzu, second commander in Bonten, to King Mikey.”

• You figured it was Bonten, the infamous group who tries to patrol every street and buildings. Living in a shelter is too much of getting your naïveté to grow.

• “Open yourself up to me, and I can show you ways of what it means to have a man inside you,” he coerced, lifting your leg inch by inch.

• With a comply, you let Sanzu ripped its way into you with his cock, rocking his hips as your couch creaked. Moaning, your arms strapped around his muscled body, breathing and moaning into his ears. Sanzu chuckled, kissing your neckline. “Hold onto me, kitty. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. Just for a record, I don’t have condom with me.”

• His efforts on making you feel satisfied, your needs of pleasure came soon to an end, but you don’t want it to end. Sanzu felt sadness in you, so he gave you his phone number. But since you don’t have a smartphone—restricted by your husband, he gave you his spare phone, and has another one in his other pocket. And within days, you and Sanzu talked, as if you guys have known each other for a long time. Each time you texted Sanzu, you feel elated as if single. But feeling guilty each time your husband’s footsteps came. Hiding your double life and a phone from Sanzu wasn’t easy. Your husband wanted to spend time with you, but you declined and said you’re heading out for shopping groceries and clothes, when all you did was fucking Sanzu in his penthouse.

• After months on spending each other’s company, you came back into your house and your husband beaten you almost to death, saying how unreliable and liar you are. The next day, you couldn’t face Sanzu, but Sanzu figured out your husband beaten you up to a point he ordered his men to kidnap your husband and kill him without remorse. After that, for a while you haven’t seen your husband, not that you care, of course, and Sanzu eventually came into your place, notifying you of your husband’s passing. You knew your husband’s dead, and delved into Sanzu’s arms, crying.

•Kissing at the top of your hair, Sanzu said, “You should move in with me. Pack your most valuable things and we can fuck each other as long as we like. I can treat you better than that man. You’re special to me, (y/n). And I don’t ever plan on letting you go. I’ve seen the way you lick the popsicle, and I can’t help but feel a little jealous.” Thus he unveiled his mask, and kissed onto your lips, with a following of slow and sensual fucking—no cameras and live stream involved. Your life is in content with Sanzu, and with Sanzu, your freedom has been granted more than ever.

• “Get down on your knees,” he said, gripping your hair softly. “I want you to lick me like a popsicle.”

[danikamariewrites]

Hi , love I absolutely love all your writing

I dont know if your requests are still open if they are could you write a azriel comfort fic if you're comfortable writing where his gf shows him her sh scars and they both cry in eachothers arms and hug eachother and az now has a shadow attached to her by her side when he's away to protect her ?

Brave

Azriel x reader

A/n: hi anon, thank you so much. I’ve been wanting to write something like this for a while now. I used to struggle with sh as a teenager. I won’t go into my whole story but if you struggle with sh please know you’re not alone and I implore you talk to someone whether it’s a therapist, your best friend, sibling, parent etc. There are people in your life who love you very much and want to help you.

Warnings: mentions of self harm, mental health struggles, angst. Please don’t read if these topics trigger you!

As you were doing the dishes last night your sleeve slid up higher than you intended it to go. You knew Azriel saw your scars from the look on his face but he didn’t say anything about it. You knew he wouldn’t but it was time to come clean about your past.

Centuries ago, your mental health took a turn for the worst and you hit a low point. You were so depressed and convinced no one in your life cared about you. You felt so alone and isolated you just wanted to feel something other than that emptiness in your chest.

So you took out on yourself in the worst way. It went on for years without anyone in your life noticing. Or so you thought. Your mother found out and was distraught. She held you crying, telling you she was going to do everything to get you the help you needed.

You healed mentally and physically, but you were still self conscious about the scars you left behind. You had yet to tell Azriel about your past. Both of you took your time opening up in your relationship not wanting to rush anything. He only recently told you about what his stepbrothers did to his hands.

Tonight, you decided it was your turn to open up. Entering the sitting room you cleared your throat. Azriel looked up from his book at you. He gave you a small smile as you fidgeted under his gaze. Padding over to the couch you sat next to him.

“So…I know you saw the scar on my arm last night. And I want to tell you what happened.” Putting his book down Azriel held your hands, rubbing the rough pads of his thumbs across your knuckles. “You don’t have to if you feel like you’re not ready. I don’t want to push you to do something that makes you uncomfortable.”

The corner of your mouth twitched up as you looked down at your joined hands. “You’re not forcing me to do anything Az. I promise.” He dips his head motioning for you to continue. Slipping your hands out of his you move to roll up your sleeve to show your boyfriend the grouping of thin scars on your forearm.

Azriel’s eyes widened. He looked up at you, face scrunched in pain and confusion. “Centuries ago I-I hit a rough patch. Mentally. I thought I was useless and no one wanted me. I was lonely, I had no friends, and my family was preoccupied with my brother’s achievements.”

You started getting choked up. Your eyes watering with each word. It had been a long, long time since you had told anyone close to you what happened. But you were glad you were telling Azriel. He cares about you so much you’re sure that you’re in love with each other. You think he might be the one you spend the rest of your life with.

Clearing your throat you continue, “So I started hurting myself. It went on for a long time before my mother intervened. But I’m ok now. I saw a therapist and I’ve worked through it all.” Azriel reached out slowly, cradling your arm in his hands gently.

You feel tears fall down your face quickly. Blinking them away you weakly smile at Az. When he looks at you, you’re shocked to see tears of his own wetting his cheeks. It was rare Azriel cried in front of anyone. “Thank you for trusting me. I’m so sorry you went through that y/n.”

The softness of his voice broke you. It wasn’t like his usual quiet manner. This was pure hurt for someone he loves. Azriel pulls you into his lap, pressing his lips to the crown of your head as he rocked you lightly. You felt his tears in your hair as yours soaked his shirt.

You had never felt so cared for and accepted by anyone in your life. Azriel always knows how to comfort you, making you feel safe. “I love you, y/n. And I’m always here for you if those thoughts ever come back. Please, please know that you are wanted, and perfect, and you bring me so much joy.”

Leaning away from Az a little you cup his face, wiping away his tears with your thumbs and smile at him. “I love you too Azriel. Thank you, for always knowing what to say. I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” He leaves a slow kiss on your forehead before standing with you in his arms.

“Let’s get some rest, yeah?” “Yeah” you whisper, pressing your face into Azriel’s neck.

[iwritebigbellies-blog]

Same anon who asked about causes here. If I ever send another ask, I'll probably end it with -O. I feel SEEN, oh my god. I fully teared up reading your response. I think there's a special sort of loneliness that comes from growing up with a "rare" form of kink/fetish/paraphillia. I only recently (as in, a couple of months ago) started embracing mine instead of trying to push it away, and it's been, um, a journey. I've spent the last few months alternating between the depression of "I'm stuck with this and there's no cure" and the isolation of "Even people who are into this aren't usually into it like I am." Your post singlehandedly managed to make me feel a LOT better about everything, so, thank you <3 Funny how simply knowing that you're not alone can make a situation seem so much less bleak. -O

I'd normally take this to DMs, but anon asks are what they are. 😅 Sorry...

I just wanna give you/readers/myself a little pep talk about... well, the whole thing where you feel hopelessly fucked up and alone when you have a niche fetish.

I have known I am like this for decades. I figured myself out around age 14 and by the time I was living with my first bf at 17 I knew that stuffing was the only thing that genuinely turned me on.

That didn't stop me from trying to brute force myself through "vanilla" relationships. I explained to my partners (four of them, back to back, over twenty years) about this kink, but I hadn't accepted that this was my only button. I still thought that maybe if I tried hard enough, or pretended, or got therapy, or watched porn, that SOMETHING else might work. And when it didn't, I either retreated into shame and guilt, thinking I was too broken for relationships, or I forced myself to have sex anyway, even when I was completely unaroused and uninterested.

Most of my exes tried. They even kinda enjoyed themselves. Big guys eat, man. Being told that not only do they never have to diet, but their girlfriend will get rabidly turned on when they eat too much? That's a win, right? But they weren't into it, and it wasn't practical to engage in as often as they wanted to get laid, so sex became triage.

Every single relationship I have had in my life has ended over sexual mismatch. All of them. And along the way, I felt shitty, violated, panicky, lonely, and hopeless. I have been told I am asexual, cold, cruel, and worse. I believed it.

About a year ago, I decided I couldn't do that anymore. Dating "normal" people and trying to wedge fetishy compromise into the relationship has never worked. I couldn't bear to try again.

I joined Feabie instead, thinking I'd tackle this from the other direction. I'd tried dating people who were amazing except for the sex. Maybe I could try just matching up sexually, and give up trying to fall in love. Normal people have hookups, right? Maybe I could just have kinky hookups for a while, before I am too old to pull anyone ever again.

One of the ruder awakenings of my Feabie experience has been that even in the feedist community, my fetish is niche. A lot of men message me. Like, a lot. And I want to give people a chance, so I have chatted with most of them. Maybe... 300-400 guys over the last 10 months. (These are not sexy converaations, for the most part. Just getting to know people!) But the overwhelming majority of these guys are gainers. They fetishize fat, and the process of gaining, and even though there is some fun overlap (stuffing is fun for both of us!) I eventually got frustrated with how often the conversation would swing to things that just weren't sexy to me. Playing at finding wg sexy is just as exhausting as playing at finding vanilla whatever sexy. It just... isn't. It becomes a chore. I'm back to where I started.

Finding the one tiny, incredibly hidden corner of the internet where you supposedly belong and then discovering you don't really belong there? That fucking sucks.

But... it hasn't been a wash. I have actually met people who share my fetish. Like, VERY FEW, but at this point, ANY is an enormous win. Of course, we each have our separate little quirks and angles, but on the whole, I have matched well enough with a few people that I could see myself being genuinely happy with them. They like what I like and the result is devastatingly sexy. I have had the best (virtual) dates if my whole life in the last year, my first real orgasms. I have met enough people who share my small corner of this tiny pond that I can even afford to be picky. I've even met people who I adore for reasons unrelated to the kink. Who are age-appropriate. The pool is small, but can somehow still contain people who might be perfect.

This is the right place for me to be. I have been happier and more honest and myself and more seen around the feedist community than anywhere else in my life. It isn't easy and I still haven't met a person who will commit to me and say they will keep me forever, but maybe I will. It is more likely here than anywhere.

And there are a lot more younger people around here than there are folks my age. So your chances are better than mine.

It can get better. We just have to make, and hold, our space.