#read this even if you think you cant handle it
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Idk if you watched yellowjackets but i really think you would like it!
It got me thinking about ellie who lost her bestfriend (secret crush/love of her life) reader and cant part with her body and breaksdown when people find out she has it and take it away from her
Dont take her from me - ellie williams x reader
hi anon! i haven't watched it yet but its been on my watchlist... I've heard good things about it. Once again i got carried away... i hope you enjoy:)

pairing: ellie williams x fem!reader
requests are open, send me songs or your silly ideas:)
HUGE WARNING: grief, delusion, breakdown, body transport, psychological decay, corpses/dead bodies, disturbing comfort, jealousy, paranoia, anxiety, mental health strain, grave raiding, corpse handling, delusion, isolation, obsession, gore implied, graphic descriptions, blood, unsettling behaviour
Summary: Ellie’s always had control—until someone threatens to take the one person she can’t live without
masterlist
This story contains dark and emotionally intense themes—please read with care. You are responsible for what you consume online. Please read the warnings before reading.
The blood had dried on Ellie’s hands hours ago.
But she still sat there, legs numb from being folded too long, your lifeless form cradled in her arms like you might wake up if she held you tight enough.
It wasn’t supposed to end like this.
She didn’t even get the chance to tell you how she felt—how the thing in her chest wasn’t just a crush. Wasn’t just longing. It was hunger. Ached for you so deeply that she sometimes had to grip the edge of her desk just to stop from running to your house and spilling every ugly truth in her head.
Now she was sitting on the cold floor of an abandoned cabin, in the middle of nowhere, covered in blood and sweat and dirt—and none of it mattered. None of it compared to the way your body had gone still. Your breath, your light… extinguished like it was never there.
She pressed her cheek to your forehead. Still faintly warm.
“Don’t go cold,” she whispered, voice shredded from hours of screaming your name into nothingness. “Just stay a little longer. Just stay with me.”
She rocked slightly. Back and forth. Like she could lull you into staying. Like you were just sleeping off a long night.
And when the others came—Jesse, Dina, a couple others from Jackson—Ellie didn’t even flinch.
They saw her first. Then you. No one spoke. For a moment, all they did was stare.
Then Jesse stepped forward. “Ellie,” he said softly, eyes wide with horror, “we have to take her.”
She didn’t look up. “No.”
“Ellie—”
“No.”
Her voice cracked, sharp and shrill, and her grip around your torso tightened.
“She’s not—she’s not ready. She’s not cold yet. She’s not—” Her breath hitched. “You can’t just take her.”
Dina’s face twisted in pain. “El… we need to bury her. It’s not safe out here, there’s—”
“You don’t get to touch her!” Ellie roared, head snapping up. Her eyes were wild—bloodshot, soaked with grief and rage. “You didn’t know her like I did. You don’t even get it.”
She scrambled back as Jesse reached again, shielding your body like a wounded animal. Her fingers trembled where they clung to your clothes.
“She was mine,” she whispered. “I never got to say it—but she was. She was. And you’re not gonna put her in the fucking ground like she’s just gone. She’s not.”
She pressed a kiss to your temple. Desperate. Cracked. “I can keep her warm. I swear. I’ll—I’ll keep her safe. Don’t take her from me. Please.”
But your skin was cooling.
No amount of warmth from her hands, no matter how feverishly she held you, could stop the inevitable.
She had memorized every scar, every laugh, every stupid joke you told just to see her crack a smile. And now you were quiet. Hollow. Just an echo.
They had to sedate her.
It took three of them. She fought like a hellhound, screaming your name, kicking, crying, biting, even when the needle sank into her neck. Even when her body slumped in Jesse’s arms, unconscious… her fingers were still twisted in your shirt.
When she woke up in Jackson days later, you were gone. She lost it.
They wouldn’t tell her where they buried you. Said she wasn’t stable. Said she needed rest, time, healing.
She screamed until her voice gave out. Tore her room apart looking for anything you touched. Burned a hole through your favorite hoodie just trying to breathe it in.
She sneaks out that night. Finds the grave. It’s quiet. Peaceful. The dirt’s still fresh.
Ellie drops to her knees, hands shaking, and begins to dig. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. She doesn’t care. She needs to see your face again.
Needs to kiss you, one more time, even if your lips are cold. Needs to apologize for all the time she wasted. Needs to ask if you’d have said yes—if she had asked you out. If you’d have smiled, taken her hand, told her you felt it too.
When they find her in the morning, she’s curled up beside the half-opened grave, fingers bloodied, dirt under her nails, your name on her lips. She doesn’t even look up.
“She was the only good thing,” she whispers, to no one. “And I didn’t get to keep her.”
It had been six days since you died. No one had found the cabin. Not yet. She made sure of it.
The windows were boarded. The door—barred with a chair wedged under the knob. Every possible crack sealed tight. She'd left bloodied handprints on the wood floor from moving you again, and again, and again—trying to find the right spot, the one you’d be most comfortable in.
You were laid out on a mattress in the center of the room, tucked under a worn blanket she stole from your house weeks ago. Your hair combed back gently. Lips touched with rose balm. She even painted your nails.
“See?” Ellie murmured, sitting beside you, her knees folded tightly under her. Her fingers brushed the edge of your arm—skin pale, but not blue. Not yet. “Told you I’d take care of you.”
She hadn’t eaten in two days. Barely drank water. Her eyes were sunken, red-rimmed, skin tight across her cheekbones. But her gaze never left you.
Sometimes, she imagined you blinking. Sometimes, she swore you did.
Sometimes, she dreamed you whispered her name, and when she woke up, her ear would be inches from your mouth, waiting. Just waiting for it again.
It wasn’t decomposition. It was transition. That’s what she told herself. That the smell wasn’t decay—it was your soul trying to root itself in her.
That the darkening under your eyes wasn’t rot—it was exhaustion from everything you’d been through.
That the way your body stiffened wasn’t rigor mortis—it was just you being shy. You’d always been shy.
They came looking for her on the ninth day. A knock at the cabin.
“Ellie? Are you in there?”
Jesse.
Ellie blinked, gaze pulling from your face. She didn’t answer.
“Ellie, please. We just want to help.”
Help?
They didn’t understand.
They wanted to take you.
She stood slowly, reaching for the axe near the doorway. The one she'd been using to chop firewood—and threaten the shadows when they got too loud.
She looked down at you one last time. Her expression soft, loving, doting.
“They don’t get to have you,” she whispered, eyes glassy. “You’re mine.” Then she went to the door.
The floorboards are stained now. Not from you. From the others.
They tried to come in. They didn’t leave.
She had to do it. She had to. They would’ve taken you. Put you in the ground like you were nothing more than meat and memory.
You weren’t. You were everything. Still are.
Now it’s just the two of you again. The way it should be.
Ellie sleeps curled up at the foot of your mattress, arm across your ankle like a child holding a stuffed toy. She tells you stories. She sings to you—soft lullabies she remembers her mom humming, or songs she once heard you hum absentmindedly in the kitchen.
Sometimes she kisses your hand. Sometimes she cries and begs you not to leave her.
“I love you,” she whispers again and again. “I love you. I love you. I love you. I won’t let them bury you. You’re mine.”
The backseat of the truck smelled like copper and perfume. The perfume was yours. A bottle she stole from your bathroom before the blood dried. She sprayed it on you each morning like ritual. Like prayer.
The copper was blood. Not yours, mostly.
She had to kill the man who owned the truck.
He tried to take it—you. Said it wasn’t “right.” Said you were a body, not a person anymore. Said she needed help.
He didn’t understand. None of them did.
Ellie adjusted the blanket over your face again, tucking it neatly beneath your chin. The fabric clung wetly to your skin, the heat of the day making it damp. Your body… was changing. But she didn’t look at the changes. She looked at your eyes, still closed, eyelashes dark and perfect.
She turned the engine and drove.
You were going west. She didn’t have a destination. Not a real one. Just the vague echo of hope in the back of her skull that somewhere, someone out there could bring you back. Fix it.
There had to be a way. Science. Magic. Something. People resurrect dogs all the time in books, right?
So why not you? You were better than a dog. You were her.
Day 4
The desert was hot.
Your skin started to blister.
Ellie cried while wiping you down with a cool rag, her hands trembling. “I’m sorry, baby. I should’ve covered you better. You don’t like the sun, remember? You always said it makes you dizzy. I should’ve known.”
She stuffed ice in a towel and placed it under your neck. It melted within an hour.
Day 7
She changed your clothes.
It took two hours. Your limbs were stiff now, resistant, like you were mad at her. She apologized over and over again, kissing your hands, your face, your knees.
“You’re so cold,” she whispered, wrapping you in a hoodie that once belonged to her. “But I’ll warm you up. We just need to keep moving.”
Day 9
She saw the lights in the sky. Or maybe imagined them.
A roadside church with the word “HEALING” painted in blood-red letters drew her attention. She pulled over. Inside, there were no people. Just old books, dry flowers, and a candlelit altar.
She laid you there, right in the center, brushing your hair from your forehead. Then she got on her knees.
Prayed.
For the first time in her life.
“Please,” she whispered. “Please. I love her. I didn’t get to say it. Please just… give her back. I’ll do anything.”
The candles flickered. Her heart stopped. You didn’t move.
Day 12
You smelled worse now.
She lined the truck bed with herbs. Lavender. Mint. Anything she could find.
She kept the windows cracked so you could breathe. She never admitted—never—that you couldn’t. That maybe your lungs had stopped working long ago. Because you still looked peaceful. Still looked like you were sleeping. Still looked like you might say her name if she leaned close enough.
Sometimes she imagined you turning to her. Smiling. She started answering for you. Making conversations in the dark.
“Do you think we’ll find someone?”
Yeah, El. I think so.
“Should I stop driving tonight?”
I like the sound of the road. Keep going.
“Okay. I’ll keep going.”
Day 15
The truck ran out of gas in Arizona.
Ellie dragged your body through the sand, arms bruised and bleeding, sunburnt to hell. She tied you to a door she ripped off an abandoned house and pulled it like a sled. Her boots left deep tracks behind her. Buzzards circled above. But she didn’t look up. Didn’t cry.
Didn’t slow down.
“I’m taking you to the ocean,” she told you. “You always wanted to see it. We’ll go together. We’ll walk into the waves. Maybe that’s what you need.”
Your lips were cracked. Hollow.
But she smiled at you like you’d just said “thank you.”
Day 20
She made it to the coast. Somehow.
Body bruised, fingers blackened, lips crusted and bleeding, Ellie stood barefoot in the surf, your body laid out beside her on the wet sand. The tide rolled in. Foam kissed your toes.
She knelt beside you, her voice shaking. “This is it. If you’re gonna come back… it’ll be here.”
The moon hung above like an unblinking eye.
She took your hand, held it to her chest, pressed her lips to your temple one last time.
“Please.”
Silence.
“Please, wake up.”
Nothing.
The water rose. The stars flickered. Ellie’s tears slid down your dead face.
And then—
In the wind, she heard it.
Faint. Echoing. Gentle.
“I missed you too, El.”
Her mouth broke into a smile.
And when the waves swallowed you both whole, she didn’t fight it.
When Ellie opened her eyes, there was no pain. No sand. No salt. No hunger. No rotting flesh between her fingers. Just warmth. A low golden hum.
And you.
Sitting on the edge of a bed, hair glowing in the soft light. Wearing that shirt she loved on you, the one you always slept in. Your legs curled beneath you, a book open in your lap. You looked up, smiled.
“Hey.” Her breath hitched.
She looked down. Her hands were clean. No blood, no dirt. Her boots were gone. She was barefoot, the floor beneath her soft and cloud-warm.
“…Where…?” she croaked.
You tilted your head. “You’re home.”
Ellie staggered forward like a child learning to walk again, eyes wide, unblinking. “Is this—am I dreaming?”
You didn’t answer. Just opened your arms. She collapsed into them.
The scent of you—pure, unchanged—drenched her brain like a drug. Your skin was warm. Your breath against her ear as you whispered her name made her sob.
“I missed you,” she choked. “I missed you so fucking much.”
You stroked her hair. “I know. I waited.”
The house had no doors. No clocks. No sky. Just soft white light that never dimmed. It existed outside of time. And so did you.
You cooked together. Slept curled in one another’s arms. Sang songs in the silence. She traced your face every night, whispering prayers of thanks to whatever cruel or merciful god had made this possible.
But some things weren’t quite right.
You never left the house.
Never asked her questions.
Never said “I love you” first.
Sometimes, Ellie caught glimpses—your reflection in the window lagging behind, your voice echoing before you spoke, your heartbeat silent when her ear pressed to your chest.
But she ignored it.
Because she had you.
One Day…
She woke up and you weren’t there. The bed was cold. Empty.
She searched the house—every corner, every drawer. Screaming your name until her voice gave out. In the mirror above the sink, her reflection stared at her. But it wasn’t her.
Its eyes were black. Hollow. Its skin cracked. Decaying.
“You took her,” she whispered to it.
“You lost her,” the mirror answered.
She shattered it with her fists.
Later, she found you again. Sitting in the bedroom, combing your hair.
Like nothing had happened.
Ellie fell to her knees. “Please don’t leave again.”
You turned, eyes soft. “I didn’t leave. You just forgot where I was.”
Her hands shook as she touched your cheek. You were still cold.
Colder than before.
As the days passed—if you could call them days—you began to fade.
Literally.
Your edges blurred. Your voice softened into whispers. Your body, once warm, became translucent in the light. Ellie wrapped herself around you each night like armor, like a chain.
“You’re not going anywhere,” she hissed into your hair. “I won’t let you go again.” You didn’t respond. But you wept in your sleep.
One night, she woke up alone again. This time, you didn’t come back.
Ellie searched every room, howling like an animal. Her skin began to flake. Her nails fell off. She bled from the gums. The house, once warm, was now cold stone. Shadows whispered your name, mockingly, again and again and again. She clawed at the walls until they bled with her.
Then she saw the door. The first and only door. At the end of the hallway, pulsing like a wound. She stepped through.
On the other side: Both your bodies washed up by the ocean.
Her body, lying beside it. Rotting. Clutching your arm. And a figure, dressed in black, speaking gently.
“You can’t stay with her forever,” Death murmured. “This was your mind's lie. Your denial. It’s time to go.”
Ellie laughed. “Fuck off.”
She turned around, walked back into the house. Back into the version of you that smiled when she arrived. That never asked her to change. That didn’t cry when she kissed your cold mouth.
She never left again.
Ellie stayed in the house—forever rotting, forever hallucinating. Holding your fading, flickering ghost and convincing herself you were real. And in her head, in her twisted, love-drunk eternity, you always whispered the same thing before sleep:
“I’ll never leave you again.”
And even if it was a lie—
Ellie believed it.
When they eventually found your bodies, the costal shore reeked of sweet sick rot.
Ellie was thin. Hollow. Nails broken. Eyes vacant. But Ellie’s smile is peaceful.
She’s lying beside you, one hand holding your arm, the other clutched around a knife driven straight into her own heart. A blood trail leading from her chest to the outline of your body, as if she were trying to bleed into you. Return to you. Merge with you.
There’s a note, scrawled on the sand:
“She waited for me. I’ll stay with her now.”
#ellie williams#ellie tlou2 x reader#ellie the last of us#ellie tlou#ellie tlou x reader#ellie williams drabble#ellie williams fanfic#ellie williams fanfiction#ellie williams imagine#ellie williams blurb#ellie#dark elli william#dark! ellie williams#ellie miller#ellie tlou2#ellie willams x reader#ellie williams angst#ellie williams core#ellie williams fan fic#ellie williams fic#ellie williams hcs#ellie williams headcanons#ellie williams one shot#ellie williams oneshot#ellie williams promlt#ellie williams the last of us#ellie williams tlou#ellie williams tlou2#ellie williams x fem reader#ellie williams x female reader
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seeing ppl on twitter’s takes about snowgrave kriselle makes me want to kill myself oh my godddd “its toxic” “regular kriselle better bc its healthier” DO YOU THINK I WANT TO SEE THEM MUSHY KISS AND BE LOVEY DOVEY AND HUG EACH OTHER??? NO!!! the APPEAL is that adding romantic connotations to their snowgrave relationship (which mind you very much already exists in canon) allow their relationship to become so much more interesting. do i think they’ll become truly endgame canon? do i think they’re in love with each other??? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! AND I DONT WANT THEM TO!!! the POINT is that it’s supposed to be dark and interesting and exploratory of their characters in relation to the deconstruction of autonomy in video games through gender roles and principles of knighthood and the idea of the “damsel in distress”. not to mention that “shipping” regular kriselle and snowgrave kriselle isnt mutually exclusive either. in fact i think understanding both allows you to analyse their relationship much more fully and deeply than without considering the other side. and besides, isnt the fucking point of shipping to explore character relationships??? why would you want to Ignore nuance and depth rather than focus on it???? are you unable to handle anything deeper or darker than like fucking cocomelon??? if you hate character analysis and dark themes in relationships you can head on back there or smth idfk oh my lord i cant fucking TAKE IT ANYMORE
#snowgrave#kriselle#rant#deltarune#this probably comes off as harsh lol#i was going to add its alright if you find snowgrave kriselle uncomfortable for personal reasons#but like sincerely if youre in the utdr fandom and you’ve seen the fucking geno route then i think you can handle this#and not only that but i feel like nowadays fandoms are purposefully trying to get away from darker subject matter and themes#while in the process airbrushing nuance and details in favour of shoving characters into tropes and boxes#all in the name of ‘person comfort’ and ‘preference’#and while i cant control what other people do or ship or whatever#i do think its a sign that we’re leaning far more into anti-intellectualism these days#and people are just completely unwilling to engage with things outside their comfort zone#its okay to have preferences! its fine if you think kriselle is bad!#but like if your only reasoning is that its unhealthy and toxic then idfk what to tell you man#please play/watch/read better media#relationships in media can be toxic and unhealthy and portrayed without romanticisation#kriselle is very much so!#my ideal version of them is that neither of them have feelings for each other at all#neither does the player have any for noelle#the romantic/marriage connotations are there as metaphor for the stripping of autonomy through a forced heterosexual lens#however if they somehow form some fucked up forced conditioning traumabond feelings for each other along the way which fucks things up even#more… now THATS fucking interesting#really gets you questioning the lines between the decisions you make and the ones they make of their own volition#suselle completely endgame though#i just like analysing kriselle more LOL
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im not going to lie i have an illuminati type theory that fanfiction has gotten so fucking bad recently as yet another consequence of the pandemic
#because like we all know how the pandemic caused fandom and a lot of more geeky things to become more mainstream#at least in the US#and thats why fandoms are so fucking shite now because everybody isnt weird and cant handle weird shkt#and also everybody stopped having reading comprehension too because of the sudden rapid uptick in content creation and such#like u guys already know what im talking about#theres a reason why i havent seen an actual meme in years#like im talking a real meme. have you seen anything even remotely close to what a meme was like before the pandemic?#its honestly a real shame because i feel like now saying meme feels kind of cringey but it was something genuinely uniting and a wonderful#cultural thing online back then but also maybe thats just my nostalgia coming in since i was a kid back then#but yeah i think as another consequence fanfiction has become significantly worse#because i dont know maybe im looking in the wrong places maybe its a natural development of my taste becoming#more refined#but i feel like its impossible to find good fanfiction these days#like hetalia ao3 has been notorious for sticking out as the only fandom ever that somehow has so much fanfiction and none of it is good#because even when i was in the oukibo trenches i found some good shit in there that id memorize like bible scriptures#but now it kinda feels like every fandoms ao3 is like the hetalia ao3#i thought it was just my taste refining further until i found one good fanfiction recently and IT LIKE#ITS NOT EVEN THAT GOOD. BUT YOU KNOW HOW THERES THAT TYPE OF FANFIC THAT IS JUST#COMPETENTLY WRITTEN AND THE CHARACTERS ARE IN CHARACTER#ITS NOTHING BEAUTIFUL OR SOMETHING YOUD BE LIKE OHHH THIS SHOULD BE A FINE LITERATURE PUBLISHED BOOK#BUT ITS GOOD#ITS A GOOD STORY THAT FEELS LIKE IT WAS WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WHO WATCHED THE SHOW#AND HAS ALL THE BASIC NEEDS TO BE A COMPELLING READ#LIKE DAMN I HAVENT READ SOMETHING LIKE THAT IN FOREVER#bc a lot of good fanfiction isnt the 400k novels that are intense and beautiful#i love those but there can only be so many of them#the majority are these fics that are fun as hell to read and sometimes even stretch to be like 50k words. but they're definately not#intense beautiful prose. it's a fun story made by a fan who wanted to explore an idea or make some scenarios#and i can never find that shit anymore#its always page after page of the most asinine shit with not even the general aura/sprinkle of anything pertaining to the og source in sight
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is it fucked up that as a filipino i dont know any filipino mc streamers or filipino streamers in general? like the ones who actually stream in tagalog/bisaya/ilocano/ilonggo/whatever dialect???
like im so envious of the ppl who are like "so and so was my childhood im excited to see them in qsmp" and here i am like "wow filipino streamers huh can't wait to meet them ^_^"
#qsmp#i would also like to preface this post by saying im from the middle of mindanao and i spent all my life hating manila#motherfucking manila why do they always get all the conventions and concerts#most of the ppl from manila ive interacted with online/irl when they learn im from mindanao say 'wait you have internet?' fuck off fuck you#actually now that i think about it maybe i dont want filipinos on the qsmp our country is so fucked up it's like the tower of babel#like what if theyre out of touch rich kids or worse like what if theyre from manila? like i cant handle that#dapat yung laki sa hirap dapat yung probinsyano#coco martin for qsmp#payag ako na tagamanila kung laki sa hirap#ALSO WE HAVE SO MANY DIALECTS LIKE HOW DOES THIS EVEN WORK?#like are they only recruiting tagalog streamers or are there cebuanos and ilonggos too? maybe even maguindanaoans? im reaching#when q said he was researching a country with an interesting culture i hope it was us#pilipinas as a country is just a whole can of worms and it sure is interesting#i also spent most of my life hating spanish ppl for colonizing our country haha and now im learning spanish haha how ironic#actually no im like cellbit im learning mexican#hi mexican ppl did u know our countries are like colony twins#girl no one is reading this
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every shuro/toshiro hater who claims that toshiro loves falin for the same traits he hates in laios should venmo me 200 dollars immediately
#dungeon meshi#this really is the reading comprehension website i keep forgeting#listen. listen. falin went to school. lived with her family. longer than laios did. do you know why autism is diagnosed less in girls?#not clear to anime-onlys but laios ran away from home at like 13. to join an army. and then was sort of free-wheeling for a while#falin went to school where she made friends learned went to town etc etc#falin was NOT exhibiting the same behaviors as laios are you kidding me. she was conditioned to mask those behaviors#one of her main character traits is that she's self-sacrificing!! that's like her whole thing!!!#im not even gonna go into asian culture and social etiquette bc clearly tumblr's white dunmeshi fans cant handle it#'sometimes...ppl from different countries.....act different? think different??' the western hemisphere is not the center of civilization!!!
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i like when characters r boring as fuck and not fun to be around and have nothing interesting going. but they tend to be the butt of the joke a lot 💔
#im critically aware that i am the least fun person ever to hang out with irl lol. so i get it#i try to be fun but i cantttttt like i literally cant#i just cant help ittt im an observer. i observe. and i think. thats it#even when i used to go out drinking i wld just b dizzy and observing and thinking 😭😭😭#i cany help ittt im so borinh. LOL. i eat the same things and do the same things and am funny in the head#saw a post earlier like ‘i respect picky eaters but i dont like you’ and its like I KNOWWW 😭😭😭 omg#this is stupid but i get it so muchhhh. like u think i dont know its annoying and boring. lol#its funny tho like damn im minding my own business and it bothers u sooo much#have had SO many ppl comment meanly on the fact that i eat the same 5 dinners and like. YEAH. idgaf so why do u care?????#its cheap and easy and i like it. i like eating the same veg every day i look forward to it in fact#u soent 50 quid on a weeks shopping ? i soend 15. get fucked#ummmmm. well anyway#read a couple of fics recently whwre one of the characters was fussy or picky or had weird hangups abt. certain random things#and it was just not an issue and nobody said anything abt it. and it made me happy#idk lol i hate feeling like a freak bc i cant handle ppl touching my stuff without washing their hands or whatverr#and other bizarre hangups. I KNWOWWWW IM A STUPID CONTROL FREAK. i feel like im dying#anyway. im normal#i hope i hear from the mh ppl soon 😢#i think theyre due to call next week or the week after. but im pretyy busy next week so hopefully they dont call when im on the train or smt#im going home for easter etc. so maybe ill end up having to go back up for appntments?#stressful. not good#if the waitinh list is a certain length it wont matter i suppose#oh well <- insane
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god i fucking hate my dad
#he came home today from a bike trip he went on and he's been arguing with me about honeybee the whole fucking day#he keeps saying just let her out let her run around! every time i put her in her pen to nap#and he refuses to stop her from biting him#and he got mad at her for playing with his socks when she'd just been playing with mine and he threw them on the floor of the living room#which first of all stop being such a fucking slob#and second of all what the fuck did you expect to happen? it's a soft new toy on the floor where she spends most of her time. where all her#toys are. very similar to the two soft items she's allowed to play with (my socks)#she's fucking 3 months old she doesn't understand the difference between my socks and his socks#and i keep telling him i know what im doing i was doing all the research while he went to buttfuck nowhere on his midlife crisis motorcycle#but he just wont fucking listen to me#and hes like oh youre at that age where you think youre right about everything and are so stubborn like fuck you actually#first of all im stubborn about this because its a living breathing puppy and his actions will affect her behaviour as an adult#and bc i know what im fucking doing. ive been an animal person my entire life. i did all the research. i did this exact same thing with#parrots for five years.#and hes like you cant just put her in her pen every time shes being a dog like no i fucking dont. i only put her in her pen when it's time#for a nap and she's getting overtired. you can't just let her run around until she collapses bc for one she never fucking will#second that's only going to make her energy threshold higher and then she'll be absolutely impossible to handle#and i told him that and that i read that on like every professional dog training source i read#and he said that might be true or might not be#like it fucking is bitch omfg#and then he tried to one up me like um i actually raised you guys for a long time i know what im doing#like a child is not a fucking dog. also my mom raised us lets be fucking serious. and look how well adjusted i turned out#and he told me to relax and calm down like i wasnt even arguing with him but i sure as hell will now#like dont tell me to fucking relax. when has telling anyone to relax ever made anything better. especially a teenager. especially a (for#simplicity's sake) woman.#and i told him dont tell me to relax and he got all pissy and stormed off#like literally fuck you#im my fathers daughter. im just as stubborn as he is.#rambles
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i dont wanna hear anyone bitch about the frequency with which i upload my comic for a myriad of reasons but one of which being that I essentially post 2-3 pages at once to begin with- like I do not need to make the strips as long as i do but i do it anyways and you're welcome.
#some other reasons are but not limited to:#me having my own life and learning how to take care of myself and my environment which absorbs a lot of my time#me having to help my gma with shit or go over to my moms house in general which is a problem bc i cant exactly bring my giant ass tablet#and desktop with me to work on the comic while im there#im a gardener and plants require way more attention than you think. oh not only am i a gardener but i also grow things from seed#often. LOTS of things from seed. you should see my set up if i werent worried about doxxing. i have so many shelves with lights lol#and seeds more attention than you'd think.#outside of that i'm disabled and often have to take care of myself in that regard#outside of that- plenty of yall dont even actually fucking care and just want to make fun of my passion project bc you cant handle ppl#being genuine. also plenty of yall want to pretend to have reasons to not like it so you want to read into everything and say im saying#shit im not saying and come to wild ass conclusions about my intentions just to paint me as bigoted and if you cant do that you're#gonna pretend you're suddenly a well respected and intellectual art critic and try to make fun of it in that regard when you'd never#even dream of doing that to my abuser on here who's art I would say is way more kindergarten-level than mine.#like if any of you even try it you have to then do the same to them and be fucking fair but something tells me you wouldn't.#you'd hold me to unreasonable standards and praise them for painting with their shit. just like with everything else.#so because i have all of that ^ and plenty of other bullshit to look forward to when i post my comic it also kinda makes it hard to fucking#want to and ive become a lil bitter and spiteful and have been withholding it intentionally in some ways but mostly im busy trying#to heal myself from everyone sucking so much more than i ever thought they could.
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it's six o'clock in the morning and i haven't slept yet so pardon me if i may poke the bear a little but was just peeking at dt ao3 and boy, i really do hope roger relapsing isn't going to be a common fanon angst thing now that the dlcs out...
#ignorance cloud on#speaking as someone who is the child of an alcoholic: hey. i dont think you guys realize how much weight this topic carries#im not gonna say outright that people cant do it At All because i think depicting the very non-linear recovery process Is important#and like. it's not always gonna be one and done. sometimes you will relapse and it can be for a myriad of reasons#but seeing people use it as angst fodder is like. are you handling this topic with the gravity it deserves? or is this just an angsty trope#like maybe its just because i have like. BOAT LOADS of traumatic experiences related to my dads addiction but like.#i really hope this doesnt become a trend because i will be very discheesed#not that i read anything other than what my friends make and i trust my friends to handle this topic with care#but idk. irks me a little#its my corner of the internet im allowed to bitch a little#i also think that the game already covers the topic with so much grace EVEN IN THE BAD ROUTE#that the implication that he Can relapse or Will in the future is like. enough! we dont need to overdo it
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I absolutely love reading about rewilding efforts particularly when it comes to animals but god whenever I read about those ideas to re-introduce elephants and hyenas to Europe and cheetahs to North America "because their ancestors once lived there and it would be good for the ecosystem" I still get a little bit of whiplash.
#tekst#animal talk#im not inherently against it but it's just so weird to imagine living in the netherlands and having elephants and hyenas roam around#we cant even handle wolves how do you think people would react if we were to put those two species here#like the nonfiction books i read have plenty justifications why they think this could work but even they admit the idea is pretty radical#this isn't just your average 'reintroduce wolves or wisents'
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you know that feeling when the book is starting to pick up and then you get to a scene that makes you So attached to it just so you could see a character get their ass whooped? yeah
#jianzhu youre gonna get whats coming to you and i cant wait to read it <3#i know what happens to him i just want go read first hand#(its also not the only reason i kept reading)#honestly the way they handle her character in relation to him (from what i understand) seems Really good and Really messy#he destroyed everything she held dear in one moment for self gain. he was one of the reasons she got a home and job.#he was a extremely rutheless man who killed hundreds to thousands. she follows his past teachings even when she hates them.#i also think it can follow along with canon if we think about just how long its been since kyoshi lived by the point of atla#feelings lots of feelings about kyoshi and her murder family.
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Something I find wild about the current discourse over if children should be banned from reading certain books is how all these people claim they were traumatized by what they read. Like, really? Speaking as someone who maxed out the reading level test by fourth grade and was routinely handed fully adult books by my school library, I'd say my reaction to any sexual content I came across was generally something like, "Huh, that's weird. Anyways."
The one, single book I AM slightly horrified I read as young as I did is Gone With the Wind, because I didn't have the context to understand the author's bias and briefly turned into a Confederate apologist at age 13.
#even in that case i think it was more a mismatch between where my school history classes were at and where my reading level was#like i definitely read it the summer before we had a proper American history class which was 8th grade for us#could i have handled a more advanced history class earlier on? for sure#but you cant speed that up the same way you hand kids more advanced books if theyre good in english class#probably wouldve been good for my parents to chat with me about that book when i read it but i also grew out of that viewpoint pretty fast#so it was fine ultimately even if i do look back and cringe
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#just venting#you dont need to read#and if you choose to you dont need to respond at all#why does everything need to be so fucking difficult#literally everything is just too much#i hate it#i cant focus#i cant listen#its so distressing that i just start crying whenever i have to try#and i cant even fucking take care of myself#i dont think ive eaten enough today#i genuinely cant tell if i’m not hungry or punishing myself at this point#tbh it’s probably both#half the time i cant even look in a mirror for more than a few seconds#i feel like throwing up or something#i hate this#i hate the pressure and the expectations and the way i cant handle either#if i had less self control i would have put a hole in the wall or shattered a mirror by now#antiopa#mack speaks to the void
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physically holding back my rage when i go get my weekly uchuujin no kakushigoto update and see people bitchin and moaning about it. I WANT TO HURT YOU AND IM NOT FUCKING AROUND. YOU SHOULD HAVE BEAR MACE SPRAYED IN YOUR EYES SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO FUCKING APPRECIATION FOR GOOD LITERATURE. S2G SHUT YOUR DUMBASS UP BEFORE I GO AHEAD AND SLICE OFF ALL YOUR FINGER TIPS TOO AND PUT YOUR TONGUE IN A BAG CORPSE PARTY STYLE CUZ YOUR OPINIONS ARE ACTIVELY MAKING SOCIETY WORSE.
#i will make a review for uchuujin no kakushigoto later... bc rn i want to see more how the story plays out to see if it gets even better or#if it falls from grace#rn tho im so hooked like every week i need my update its what i look forward to ngl#the manga is soooo good i adore it from the artstyle to the characters to the romance to the message#i love the pyschological aspects so far and think its been interweved nicely if not a little too in your face but its being done p well#i cant wait to see how the author handles the main theme rn of exploring the selfishness in helping people#so many people keep saying its 'so weird' and 'keeps getting more fucked up with each chapter'#AND I DONT GET IT#ITS NOT WEIRD IMO ITS NOT A BIZARRE STORY#ITS A GOOD STORY AND I THINK EVERYTHING MAKES PERFECT SENSE LIKE TBH#IM SURPRISED WE HAVENT SEEN AN ALIEN ROMANCE STORY LIKE THIS YET#THIS IS AN UNTAPPED MARKET THATS LIKE UH DUHH!! WHY DIDNT I THINK OF DOINF THAT FIRST?!?#IDK LIKE I DONT THINK ITS WEIRD I THINK THE AUTHOR IS MAKING VERY NORMAL DECISIONS TO PROGRESS THE STORY#you wanna read weird go read fuckin#KAMI NO KODOMO#I HAD TO FIGHT FOR MY LIFE ON BAKAMANGA TO FIND THIS AGAIN#i should write a review for it. its interesting#not really a fan cuz it just doesnt hit for me but its interesting and unique
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i think it's really funny when I see people who hate mezumi with a passion but don't even know why because they haven't read anything and have just absorbed "we have to hate this guy" from the fandom without actually knowing why they're "supposed to" hate. its hilarious actually im not even being sarcastic here i prefer people being genuinely stupid to when people used to be like crazy fucking ableist
#ghostly ramblings#i also think its funny when ppl are like 'obviously [blonde megane i dont want this showing up in tags] hates him'#like my brother in christ have you read anything with us together in the past 8 years.#have you looked at like. character relationship charts. fanon is so fucking absurd because its based on Nothing bc nobody fucking reads!!!!#whatever idolfans cant handle complex characters and relationships even if its literally spelled out for them
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Supernatural *is* a horror show first and foremost.
it has been said before but i feel the need to state again that the finale of supernatural is not only the most insane case of accidentally making a soul crushing psychological horror while trying to make a satisfying conclusion but the only case of that happening ever (at least to my knowledge.) i’ve seen bad tv endings, but never a tv ending that was trying to be comforting instead telling me that all of my worst nightmares are true and that me and the ones i hold close will never ever love openly without fear. again, so many before me have made this point but god. they killed him on rebar. he never got to be free
#this at least helps me appreciate the ending#horror is often used for social commentary#and the fact that this bi male character thought his life would end brutal and bloody and alone 15 years before#and the fact that *nothing had changed* after all#that he died the same death and *gave up* bc his reason for fighting (love) was lost to him forever when cas was sent to the Empty#that he was on this hamster wheel that drove him to near madness and even when he defeated it the real world (OURS)#couldn't handle an ending where he was happy in love with another man is a slam dunk for the writing team#if youre mad at the ending dont direct your anger at the writers. they were *very* clear esp in the last season that this was their goal#you can kill network exec Chuck in the show but the real-life execs still will not allow dean to live#and this is *after* market research presumably demonstrated that it wasnt profitable enough commit to destiel#that is a *societal* problem and a *financial* problem that even our most beloved queer characters haven't earned enough of#our approval to LIVE! how horrifying! how terrible#how visceral and real yet only those primed by sympathy to queer hardship would even see it as such#ANOTHER horror that even our deaths arent mortifying enough to a majority of people#i thought i hated the ending but the more i think on it and read btwn the lines#the more it makes sense. none of this is an accident and the writers were begging us to understand that their hands were tied by other#forces that they ultimately failed to defeat but they *could* call out several issues and deliver a pyrrhic victory#they showed us artistic censorship has the potential to be *deadly*. they showed us that some people can give everything they have and#still be considered disposable due to (insert marginalized status here - note that eileen charlie - and her partner - resoultion)#and cas do not get on-screen resolutions to their stories)#and this ending *still* haunts those that *do* give a shit years later#this is a horror show and the horrors never ceased they just framed it as a happy ending and hoped we would accept this brutality as closure#and for many it was. the rest of us cant rest in peace knowing how easy dean and cas were to throw away for so many.#spn text rant#>?[#supernatural#spn s15#chuck won
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