#re-learning anatomy over here

[themisterhip]

Golden boy🦾🦾

[simmireen]

The more poses you make as a pose creator, the more things you learn and the more things you see. 

Maybe you have seen my former post, maybe not. But I want to address again that stealing is not OK. 

I use and see a lot of poses almost everyday, I reblog and maintain the poses masterlist (@ts4-poses), I am a sims-storyteller that loves to pose with poses from other creators for my story and ofcourse, make my own poses to share. But also...

I recognize my flaws in my own poses, my poses are not perfect, I learn everyday, that's why I knew this pose was mine. But by now, we have found 15 posecreators that have been done the same to, by Simsulani. And maybe you have seen in Toys of Dukeness their patreon post there is possibly another pose creator KD89 doing the same to them. What led to them deleting all of their content in our community. And seeing something leave the community over this, is sad. We lost already so many talented creators due to this.  

You have to know, Simsulani @hellosimsulani has around 20k followers on her patreon and about 200 people that support her by paying money to her. No, I'm not jealous, I share my poses because I want you to use my poses in-game. I'm not here in any way to have any financial gain. And I know this is the case of many others on the list down here that were affected. We want to make you happy, to be able to tell your story. 

But this money (maybe even your money) that she is earning over other people's creations that she adjusts, is not earned in a fair way. 

She violates many of the other posecreators TOU's. 

Besides taking poses and adjusting them, she adds accessories to the patreon post instead of linking to people's pages. (@simmisstrait her letterboard in this post) That's okay if it’s deleted, but doing so when this creator is still active? That’s not ok (only if it's okay stated in their TOU)

In her own TOU she even states that you can't take her poses and re-upload somewhere else. But clearly it's okay to do it if she does it?

Please ! Do not re-upload my content. Do not claim my content as your own. Do not upload to Simsd0m/S!msf!nds Do not upload to another site without my permission.

After finding out about Toys of Dukeness and Acha-games, I found out my own pose got stolen and adjusted, and after that I got a lot of messages and pictures. People started helping investigate their own poses. These are the things we found. Thanks to @theserenadeofshadows her detective skills and her super SUPER hard and dedicated work this weekend (she is one of these 15), she made this amazing doc with the proof she and others found. At least a few posepacks are not her poses entirely. If we had more photographic memory skills and time, who knows what we could find out more. 

THE PROOF DOC 

NOTE: IT'S HEAVY UNDER INVESTIGATION STILL, but we wanted to show the proof we already have found! See and judge for yourself.

If you are a pose creator, please check if maybe one of your own poses got stolen, though she is very good at camouflaging it. It is incredibly hard to notice the stolen poses at first glance, it is a real frankenpose fiasco. @theserenadeofshadows tried to dissect the poses and find the original creators, and we found this stated in the doc, but know it is a slow and tedious process, so we can't find every pose and or posepack.

Groups and couples got split up and merged. Places in groups got swapped and/or rotated. Normal couples or single poses suddenly got a kid or partner (or both). Some expressions were made clownesque, exaggerated or the eyes closed. To make it even harder, she added accessories or removed them. She changed the body anatomy (resulting in broken poses sometimes) to make it appear different.

You can spot some weird clipping or gaps in the previews sometimes. 

We are not out to cancel someone, we stand for creativity and hope Simsulani will think about her actions and start making her own poses from scratch. Not stealing someone else's time because you need to create for your patrons. I know myself Patreon gives you a certain pressure to create for the people who pay for you, because you don't want to let them down. 

But doing this by stealing and putting it behind early access to earn a quick buck because you have no time or are too busy? 

Not OK. In no way. 

Thanks to everyone sharing and spreading the word and please keep doing so ❤️ 

[salubriwrites-blog]

I was on a train for 8 hours so I wrote smut

I am still mentally ill for What In "Hell" is Bad? so I needed to get it out of my system. Andrealphus is my sweet baby, and this one is for the Andrealphus wanters. I intend to add a full on smut chapter later, but here have some fluff.

I start my Lycawise week stuff tomorrow so I am gonna go stress about that for a bit ^^; enjoy some fluff for now!

UPDATE: Its done :3

You Chose Andrealphus

“Oh shut the fuck up,” Gusion said flatly, shoving Beleth aside. “The daughter of Solomon does not want to ride along and watch you shoot angels all day.”

That wasn’t entirely true, you thought to yourself, you didn’t mind seizing the learning opportunity that could come with being with Beleth. You didn’t know how the rules of the road in Hell worked, but how hard could they be? With his cool way of speaking and not-fucks-lost demeanor, it was easy to imagine you as the Bonnie to his Clyde in an angel waste land.

“Oh yes,” Bathin said sarcastically, examining his nails without looking at his brothers. “She’d much rather sit in a morgue instead and watch you dissect them.” That would be interesting too, if she would be able to take notes and ask questions about how different angel anatomy was from human or devil. And then ask for an in depth demonstration of those differences, you thought with a squeeze of your legs.

“Yes, thank you for agreeing with me, Bathin,” Gusion clapped his hands enthusiastically. He was able to conveniently ignore the eyeroll that Bathin gave him as he turned back to Beleth. 

“Actually,” you spoke up in the comedic lull, but you were cut off by Bathin. 

“You’re both too blood thirsty for a human. She is a fragile thing who could break if you aren’t careful. Angels are dangerous things dead or alive, and her blood would be on your hands if you are negligent.” 

“Oh no,” Beleth and Gusion said together, whirling on devil, both ready to explain how they would take care of you with the utmost professionalism and tenderness. 

Meanwhile, you huffed your bangs out of your face and crossed your arms, trying to think of what to say to get them to pay attention to you. 

Your visit to Abyssos so far was… interesting, if you were forced to put it politely. Lord Belphegor greeted you at the gates of, bowing respectfully at the presence of Satan, brushing your hand with his lips. It put the King of Gehenna at ease when the devil prince didn’t immediately try to jump on top of you like every other devil who’d mistaken you for Solomon. After making several promises to Satan that you’d be safe and cared for, the Lord of the Nephilim offered you his arm and off you went. 

It was when Satan seemed well and truly gone that Belphegor let out a yawn that could shake the pillars of heaven, and dropped all propriety. “He can be such a hard ass,” the lord groaned, picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder. “Let’s get you to the palace and figure this all out.” Flying over Abyssos, you saw the good and the ugly parts of this level of Hell. It was damaged and razed similarly to Gehenna, but it seemed that places associated with the Prince of lust had been targeted in particular. It was jarring to see districts that had once been for sex and drugs were leveled with unholy precision, as if whole swaths of city had been cut from the fabric of this world. 

Prince Beelzbub’s home looked less like a regal castle and more like a warehouse home to raves. The “throne room” was just a large dance floor, and on the stage where a DJ’s booth might sit was instead an empty throne. The Nephilim stood in firm military form as you and the lord burst through the iron double doors.

“Gentlemen,” he said darkly, eyes narrowing at the three devils as though he knew that he had just missed catching them in the middle of something naughty. “I present to you the Daughter of Solomon. She is here on special orders from the King’s regent, and one of you will- wait.” You started as he raised a finger and counted out the handsome devils in front of him. “Where is Andrealphus?”

“Hunting, my lord,” one of the dark haired ones replied, bowing his head as he spoke. “We tried to summon him but… You know how he gets.” 

Thinking to himself, Lord Belphegor counted the three men out one more time before sighing tiredly. “I will address him myself when he returns. In the meantime,” he paused again to yawn, and the three devils looked at you for your response. You didn’t know how to respond, this was a Lord of Hell yawning, what were you going to do? Call Sitri to smite him down for his disrespect? Believing you knew better, you just smiled placidly as the Lord finished. “I will leave the three of you to decide who will tend to the Daughter of Solomon. I need to rest.” 

“Oh wait, what?” You asked after him, now deciding that this was the time to step out of line. You weren’t so sure about being left alone in a room of three, good looking veterans of war, who were also devilishly watching you. 

It wasn’t so bad, you decided as you sat on the edge of the stage, one elbow on your knee as you watched them fight. Who would be your personal servant, guide, and whatever else you needed? Watching them argue among themselves that they knew better than the other about your preferences to pass the time. Even though none of them had even spoken to you yet. As you were wondering when they would notice that you had just left, a pair of shoes scuffed over the stage. The steps were shambling, as if whoever it was was feeling for the way forward. Looking over your shoulder, your face twisted embarrassingly into awe at the creature approaching. 

He was tall with gorgeous hair contained into a singular, bloody braid. His all black attire contrasted like night and day against his pale skin, along with the dark scars down his face. One even seemed to be choking him, it wrapped around his neck like a serrated brand. The damaged skin grappling and strangling for territory at his unblemished skin. Atop his head were dark horns, spectacular as death herself, that twisted like great constellations from his blonde lock. All of these beautiful traits almost offset how upsetting it was to see that he was also doused in blood. 

As he drew near, eyes looking forward and seemed to watch the shouting match at risk of escalating to fist throwing, you checked yourself. You owed this man an apology for having such a visceral reaction to his appearance. However as you uttered a slew of begging pardons, the devil - no, angel? - continued to watch cautiously past you. A pair of wings, angel wings, dragged on the stage behind him. 

“Uh, guys? Why is there an angel here?” You asked, scooting away as the creature shuffled to the edge of the stage. That’s when you noticed what else dragged behind him, something in a fishing net that left a smear of blood on the stage in its wake. Even more angel wings, all of them varying qualities and methods of brutally removed.

Surprise, surprise, the devils didn’t hear you say that either. At the seeming mention of his appearance, the beautiful monstrosity dropped the bundle and took a seat on the stage near you. “I am not an angel.” 

“Then what is this? Some kind of disguise?” You asked, now having the courage to step out of line and touch the thing’s wings. They felt pretty real, so you were interested to hear his excuse. 

“A mark of my shame, a reminder of betrayal,” the man said, soft spoken like Sitri but intimidating and feral like Amy. 

“Is your name… Andrealphus?” You asked, remembering that one had been busy initially, “hunting”. 

All signs pointed to yes, but still you waited to hear him respond. “It is, and you must be the Daughter of Solomon?” 

“I am,” you said, suddenly feeling bashful, he was so sweet and well spoken that you were the one to feel childish for being rude. “It’s nice to meet you.” 

“Please accept my deepest and sincerest apologies,” he began, turning to face you now but something was still odd about his gaze. Like he couldn’t bear to look at you, he stared past and toward the stained glass windows. Feeling self conscious now, you tried not to tilt yourself into his line of sight. “I got… carried away on my patrols, and lost track of time when the Lord Master Belpegor appointed me to return for your reception. Please,” reaching back now, Andrealphus pulled the net of amputated wings to his side. “Accept the bounty of my hunt as a symbol of good will and promise to do better.” 

He hadn’t even finished his sentence before you could feel your thighs slick with arousal. This had to be the hottest thing anyone could do, bringing you the spoils of their angel hunt for you to enjoy first. Andrealphus stopped to gasp mid sentence as you realized that you were going to leave a heart shaped finish on the wood, and you wondered if he may have sensed what he was doing to you. Still, you tried to play it cool, if only he would look at you, especially after all this back and forth. 

“This is beautiful, but these are a little big for me to just carry around for myself,” you laughed, and his eyes finally looked closer in your direction. It was the vacancy in his eyes that made you squint and ask yourself out loud. “Are you… blind?”

At the same time, the entity was plucking dozens of feathers from one of the larger wings, gathering them up in an elegant handful. He held them out for you, shoving his hand almost too close for comfort. “Show me where you’d like to be decorated, then.” 

Andrealphus’ laughter was hard to hear over the still bickering that you were no longer following. “I am, but don’t worry, my other senses are sharp as ever and help me get around.”

Aw fuck, you thought to yourself as you squeezed your thighs together in an attempt to stifle the smell. It only got worse when his breath hitched in his chest again, and you knew he was catching your aroma. 

“That’s… interesting,” you began awkwardly, looking to change the subject. “Well, yeah you can put them in my hair… here,” reaching you, you took Andrealphus’ hand and twisted his fingers into your roots. “Wherever you want to put them.”

Wordlessly with interest and caution he loosened where you had gripped them, the angel navigated your hair. At first you had been afraid of the blood that stained the fine, black leather gloves, now though you fought to lean into it. Bloody fingertips left a rosy sheen behind as he ran hand over fist through it. Somehow though you were not disgusted or frightened of it, as if Andrealphus was wordlessly regaling you with the stories of his conquest. Eyes fluttering shut, you held on tight to the moan that gathered in your throat when he touched you. Little, probing touches that dragged on into soft caresses with his knuckles and the brushing of the angel feathers. The tingling feeling, like little beads of tickles rolling over your cheeks, was orgasmic. 

You waited until his hands were off of you to frown your disappointment that he stopped. “Well, if I’m going to be decorated, it would make sense that you match me.” 

His eyebrows creased downward at your proposal, but sat still as you took his braid between your fingers. The handsome devil’s eyes closed the same way as yours had, and he put his hands in plain sight, folded up tight over his lap. As if he was showing you that he was remaining chaste. It was a good sign as you fixed the bloodied and mangled feathers into his hair, sometimes even sorting through the wings that he had brought you to find softer downs. Maybe you could have him take you to where the angel’s bodies had fallen and he could kiss you on a bed of their bones. 

“How do I look?” Andrealphus asked when your hands reluctantly pulled back, touching his braid to feel where you had adorned him. 

The blood was the perfect contrast to his monochrome look, but you couldn’t just say that out loud. “You look nice,” is what you said instead. 

“How do you look?” He asked second, smiling wide with too many teeth as you swooned. At this rate, you were going to leave a permanent water stain from your sex because of this angel. “Describe yourself for me.”

“Uhm,’ you started, running your hand over your face as if trying to remember your features. “I have purple hair, it’s long.” 

Angling his body to face you, Andrealphus propped his chin on his elbows and smiled dumbly at you while you detailed your futures. Where your moles were, your stretch marks, and your scars, you listed them all and he painted a picture of your beauty. 

“So,” you said after you finished, dropping your hands slowly from your face. You couldn’t decide if you wanted to try and sneak your fingers across the little space between you and touch him. “Now that I’ve done that; how do you think I look?”

“Hm,” he said critically, deliberating heavily before giving you that wide smile like a shark. “You look nice.” 

Once again you got annoyed at how the three devils still fighting overpowered his laugh, and you whipped to glare at them. Were they even arguing about you anymore?

“Would you take me away from here?” You asked the fourth devil, expanding your hand bravely now, clasping your palms together. “They are too loud and frankly, I don’t like any of them.” 

“You don’t wish for any of them to be your guardian in the Abyssos?” He asked, seemingly surprised even though Andrealphus was helping you to your feet. Feeling for the ends of it, the angel dragged the bag of disembodied wings with you off stage. 

“No, I choose you.” You said confidently, wondering how long it would take for them to notice that you were gone. Sooner than you expected, as the throne room’s metal door hadn’t closed yet when Andrealphus laughed again. You heard this one, and your belly tightened at his soft tenor. It was not like the deep voices of the other devils, rolling like thunder and crashing like waves. He reminded you of the wind blowing iridescent fields of grain on a clear day. He almost bumped into you when you stopped to shudder. 

“They’re arguing again.” He explained, pulling his black leather gloves away to reveal delicate fingers, long and spindly. 

“What about now?” You asked, watching him stretch an arm out for you to take, just as Lord Belphegor had. 

“They’re blaming each other for not realizing you’ve left.” 

“Well,” stunned silence fell over you as Andrealphus opened his wings, which were also blood stained. They didn’t look to be in much better shape than the wings that he had dropped at your feet. “No one was stopping them from talking to me but themselves so, their loss… are you going to carry me?” 

“I can, if you want, or we can walk,” the angel offered, seeming to strain as he lifted the wings and stretched them as though they were weights. 

“Why don’t we walk? I can lead the way,” you decided and as though he had already made up his mind, watched as Andrealphus approached you with an outstretched hand.

“Will you be my eyes, please? Once we get to the square I’ll know where we are and can show you around.”

This first day in Abyssos so far was nowhere near your original expectation, but after the rough start it wasn’t so bad. At least now you felt like you could engage in a conversation instead of just being the topic. Holding his long fingers, you led the way down the steps from the house of Beelzbub, counting out the steps for Andrealphus so that he wouldn’t stumble. You were surprised by how easily he kept up with you, and how easily he clung to you. 

“What are you seeing?” He asked simply. “No one has ever told me what Abyssos looks like. I want to know what this place is like through your eyes.”

Oh Andrealphus, you thought to yourself as your stomach tightened again with feeling. Keep asking me things like that and I’m gonna show you a whole slew of new things. You didn’t say that, though. Instead you held a hand to your eyes and looked far over the rooftops. 

“All of the rooftops are flat, with furniture and bars. The windows are full length to let the sunlight in.”

[tellmeallaboutit]

knock knock (Raphael x Player)

Chapter 16, In Which You Take The Pills and Stop Seeing Things

Read on AO3

Apollonia Saintclair - La paix des profondeurs

"How bad?" you asked, rolling a cigarette between your fingers.

Angus sighed and adjusted his round glasses. 

"How bad, Dr Bambauer?" you repeated, your eyes drawn to the rhythmic chiming of the antique clock on his desk.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

He cleared his throat, fingers intertwined on the polished wooden surface of his desk. "Well, in our line of work, there isn't really a benchmark for such severe cognitive turmoil, Mr. D'Avergni."

Translation: it's bad. You sank back into the plush upholstery of the guest chair, running a hand over your face.

"Ms Berger is suffering from an intense case of delusional psychosis. She's heavily invested in her fantasies, I am afraid," Dr Bambauer began, his voice as dull as a lullaby. "She has invented her own elaborate universe centred around your alter ego - you might know him as Raphael".

At first, you found it strangely endearing - flattering - that Anya saw you as the literal devil. Less so when you found out the character who she was actually referring to.

"Not only him, though. Other characters include a certain being she refers to as Mr Goat - possibly a manifestation of her Catholic guilt - as well as Agent Cooper and the dwarf from Twin Peaks..."

"The TV show?" You raised an eyebrow. "Anya genuinely believes Twin Peaks is real?"

The office was dimly lit despite the midday hour, the walls lined with bookshelves and framed pictures of Bacon-esque paintings that were clearly meant to unsettle rather than reassure. 

"Ms. Berger's understanding of the concept of "real" seemed tenuous at best," Angus nodded. "And I too seem to have been cast as a character known as 'The Dollmaker'. According to Ms Berger, I perform lobotomies on children and sell them to sex trafficking rings”.

"And you've done nothing of the sort, I trust?" You gave him a wry smile.

You had always found Angus a little eerie, but the family would never associate with someone who fiddled with children. Plus, he did manage to keep Uncle Giovanni off the bottle. 

"Do you find it appropriate to joke about this, Mr. D'Avergni?"

There was probably no scenario on Earth that Angus would deem appropriate to joke about.

"I don't know what's appropriate in such situations," you said. 

Dr Bambauer rose from his chair, his hands clasped behind his back. He was skinny as a rake, not a muscle on him. You could learn anatomy on him, the outlines of his skull very visible through his gaunt cheeks.

"What would be appropriate is a daily regimen of olanzapine, under my strict supervision. Ms. Berger will have to stay here for at least a month”.

A month?..

How are you supposed to go a month without Anya?

“There is an issue we need to discuss, however”, he continued.

A month.

Dr Bambauer's eyes drifted across the clinic courtyard. "Mrs Berger is expecting a child. I'd say she's in her first few weeks of pregnancy; her hCG levels are just beginning to indicate implantation."

You re-played his phrase three times in your mind before it finally registered.

"Are you serious?" you asked, sounding more choked than you intended.

Could this really happen? Anya had made some casual remarks... You hadn't bothered with condoms, true... But she never seemed worried, or even to mention it; you assumed she must have been taking birth control pills, and if she wasn't, well, that didn't bother you either.

"Why would I joke about such a thing?" said Dr Bambauer. 

Then it's true. It's true. Anya was with a child; your child. Your firstborn.

"I mean..." you laughed, your hands spreading with joy. “This is brilliant news! The best bloody news I've heard in ages! That’s what you should have started with, doc!"

If only your father would have killed himself half a year later to live to hear the news. 

Angus did not smile back.

"I'm not sure you're following me, Mr D'Avergni," he said. "Mrs Berger needs to be heavily medicated with antipsychotic drugs in the first trimester of her pregnancy. Do you follow me now? There is an imminent risk of serious birth defects. I recommend a pill-induced abortion”.

The urge to grab this man by his collar and slam him against the wooden desk until his skull cracked suddenly became absolutely irresistible.

"Dr Bambauer," you said, rising from your chair, "you are talking to a Catholic man about his firstborn. Choose. Your. Words. Carefully. Anya and I will make the decision, and I can already tell you what our decision will be. We are keeping this child.”

You drummed your fingers on the table.

"I'm afraid Mrs Berger is not in a position to make a rational decision at the moment," Angus interjected. "She's unaware of her condition, and given her current psychological state, informing her could trigger catastrophic delusions. Carrying the Antichrist, for example."

He went on, seemingly unaware of the thinly veiled threat in your eyes.

"So, without an appointed guardian - and as a lawyer you are well aware what a long and complicated process that can be..."

Well, he was right. 

It is a long and complicated process unless you have a psychiatrist with the right connections behind you.

"Let's say that would be me," you interrupted.

Dr Bambauer visibly stiffened (a feat considering his already rigid posture) and gave you a long, hard look.

"Mr D'Avergni, I have to say…"

“Let me have my say first”, you interrupted.

You snatched up his notebook and pen, scribbling across the next page - two million Swiss francs in cash.

"A small donation to one of the most prestigious mental health institutions in the world," you said as you pushed the note towards him. “God knows the world needs sanity now more than ever”. 

His expression barely changed.

"Your generosity is truly boundless”, he said. “I suppose we could speed up certain procedures. I have no doubts you act in good faith and Mrs Berger's welfare is your priority."

"Seeing right through people is your job description," you replied. "Listen, Dr Bambauer... I need to get Anya out of here immediately. She can't be cooped up in this hospital all alone while she's pregnant. She needs to be with me. I can keep an eye on her."

"You cannot be serious, Mr D'Avergni. You are still taking your medication, aren’t you?"

Your muscles tensed at his comment as you gave him a stiff nod. You watched these videos from Davos over and over again. You fiddled with the cross on your chest, your mother’s; the night Anya was hospitalised, you pulled one out of the old jewellery box.

It wouldn’t hurt, you thought.

And it didn’t.

"Mrs Berger is not well. At all. She has to stay under my direct supervision," you tapped on the paper you promised money on, so that Angus corrected himself: "Mr. D’Avergni, at least until she somewhat stabilises. We are still keeping her restrained in case of another attempt at self-harm".

"Well then, do everything in your power to give her the best treatment”, you said. “I expect quick results".

"Mr D'Avergni," Dr Bambauer sighed. "I don’t think you realise… Let’s put it this way: I don't think Mrs Berger even knows what you look like".

"I beg your pardon?" 

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "One of the nurses overheard Ms. Berger describing her fiancé. Let me say, I was surprised with certain… deviations… from reality”.

***

They said if you behaved better, they would stop strapping you to the bed.

Which, of course, turned out to be complete bullshit.

"We are so sorry that we have to restrain you, Mrs Berger”.

Like hell they were. They were not sorry at all when they tied your ankles and wrists to the bed in your solitary confinement suite, a postcard view of the Matterhorn through the window. They were not sorry at all when they forced more pills down your throat, as if you were a cat fighting against its bitter medicine, and when you spit them out, they actually stripped down your trousers and injected something in your asscheek.

How disgustingly polite they were about it only made things worse; people are only polite like that to fucking crazies, and you were not crazy. You would definitely cooperate if they stopped treating you like one. It was a mistake, you told them, a terrible fucking mistake and misunderstanding, and it should not be happening to you.

No way Raphael would allow that. 

He won’t treat his little mouse this way. You know him. They do not know him, so they would regret what they are doing very, very much. You did what he wanted. You killed that woman. You deserved a treat, not a punishment. You did what he…

"You didn’t kill anyone, Ms. Berger, please, calm down. We don't want you cutting your wrists again, Ms. Berger."

Fuck you, was your eloquent reply, fuck you, and where the fuck was Raphael? 

I wish he was here. 

I wish you all would die. I wish, I wish, I wish.

You passed out before you could see if your wish had come true.

***

You were half asleep when it came true and you saw Raphael again. Black waistcoat over a crisp white shirt, a bunch of roses in his hand. He looked so sorry, as if he hadn't been the one who had thrown you into this madhouse in the first place.

"You're here at last," you murmured from your sleep. "Now tell me why I've been trapped in this hellhole."

Next you tried to reach out to him, only to be held back by your restraints. He glanced at them, clearly torn between freeing you or leaving you trussed up like a Christmas turkey, and chose the latter, gently stroking your shoulder as if that would make you feel any better.

"You have too much faith in my bondage kink," you tried to joke. Didn't really land.

"Anya, mia piccola," he said softly. "I'm so sorry this is happening to you."

No, not Raul. Not him, not now. 

Where...in...the...bloody...hell...is...Raphael!?

"I never wanted to kill myself," you said. "I swear, I only cut myself with broken glass because I panicked and wanted to snap back to reality. Not because I wanted to die. Please tell them to stop strapping me to this bed, it's ridiculous. You believe me, right? You don't think I'm crazy?" 

There was a very long pause. 

Much too long a pause.

What the hell have you done to deserve such treatment? Yes, you cut yourself, yes, you wanted with him to talk about Mr Goat (you still do), you... Oh no. Was this Raphael's twisted form of revenge for fondling Mr Goat's horns? It seemed the only explanation for why he'd thrown you into this five star prison.

"Anya," Raul finally said, "what colour are my eyes?"

This is a trick question, Anya, don’t trust him. This is a trick question. He is trying to set you up and make you think you are crazy. Go for something noncommittal.

"Hazel? Honey?" Raul’s expression twisted painfully and shit - what colour were Italian men’s eyes supposed to be? You quickly corrected yourself: "Brown! Definitely brown!".

He looked at you as if you'd slapped him across the face, and not in a sexy way.

"Light. Blue." He spoke every word as if he had difficulty breathing. "Quite unusual, I know. People have been complimenting my eyes all my life. Can't you see that?"

You could not see that. You didn’t want to see that either.

Damn, of all the Italians in Italy, why did you have to end up with the one who had blue eyes? What were the chances?

"Shit," was all you could say.

"I thought you were in love with me," Raul said. "you didn't even know what I looked like." 

Damn. What were you supposed to say to that?

He got up from the chair next to your bed and repeated, his voice hollow: "You still don't know what I look like. You still… CAZZO!"

He slammed his fist against the window frame so hard that you flinched, but the glass held steady. 

He looked on the verge of tears. Please don't cry. How were you supposed to handle a grown Italian man crying? You are the one who should be crying right now!

"CAZZO MALEDIZIONE!" Raul shouted again, his voice shaking. “MERDA, MERDA, MERDA!”

Great, keep screaming and we'll have nurses rushing in here, and you bet your ass it’s not him they would be sedating.

"I'm sorry, Raul." You said as you watched him try to regain control of himself. "It doesn't mean... Doesn't mean... Just because I see you differently doesn't change how I feel about you. Looks aren't everything, right? Who cares?"

That didn’t sound right. 

He must have thought the same, because he did not say anything for a good minute and then gave you a very formal smile, all business nothing personal, which was way scarier than his outburst. 

“I am sorry…”, you tried again.

"You don’t need to feel sorry for anything, Anya”, he interrupted. “You're sick, that much is clear. It's my…. responsibility to do everything I can to help you heal”.

You don’t need to heal, you opened your mouth to say, but he cut you off YET AGAIN:

“But I do think now it would be best if you stayed under Dr. Bambauer’s supervision for now."

Holy fuck no not the Dollmaker you are not stepping into his therapy room never

“No-no-no, baby, please”, you pleaded, struggling against the restraints. “Angus is… not a good man. At all. I swear he isn’t. And not because he lobotomies children or something. He just… isn’t. Don’t leave me alone with him. Baby, please. He will fuck me up”.

“I believe Angus to be a competent specialist”, Raul said, arms crossed over his chest. “Whether he is a good man is a different matter. I will have my people monitor this place - and your state - at all times, don’t worry. I won’t let anyone harm you”.

He placed a very chaste kiss on your forehead. 

“I wish you all the best and pray for your swift recovery, Anya”.

FUCK YOU AND YOUR PRAYERS YOU PASTA-GOBBLING ASSHOLE!

That’s not what you said, no. What you did was put all your most “baby please” face and plead:

“Raul…”

“Don't argue with me, Anya,” He interrupted. “I know what’s best for you.”

read the rest of the chapter on ao3

[justawritterwithideas]

a/n: a small blurb of season 2 spencer x older female reader, to end the night. I hope you like it and thank you very much for all the support. T T

warnings: this is a blurb containing mentions of suggestive innuendo and a bit of mommy kink !!!

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

pov: the first time you occupy an eye-catching low-cut shirt.

Miami had never been as hot as it was that day.

Your whole body was sweating under the hot sun, plus the blouse you were wearing was the worst choice for a day like that.

With your hand, you pulled in some air in order to get rid of that melting sensation that invaded your whole body.

"I think the unsub picked the worst time to murder." Commented the cop, from whom you could notice a layer of sweat on his forehead.

"No shit, come on. Let's call it a day here before we get heatstroke." Emily was the first to walk away, following her pace to the SUV to go straight to the hotel.

The days passed the same or worse with the weather, you felt like roasted birds were going to drop at any moment.

Your formal clothing options were warm enough that they could burn you alive if you were exposed to the sun with it, so you looked at the bottom of your suitcase to find that shirt with cleavage.

It was perfect to get you out of that hot situation.

"Wow." Was the first thing you heard as you entered the station, feeling everyone's strong gaze on your neckline.

"What?" you asked without knowing what was going on. Your gaze went down your body to scan you, not quite understanding.

You walked in the direction of the coffee pot, pouring some of that majestic liquid into your cup. You turned to look at the others, who were talking among themselves in order to dissimulate.

But you felt an attentive gaze on you. One that you knew where it came from.

Young Dr. Reid wasn't taking his eyes off you, staring at the neckline of your blouse in the most undisguised way.

You smiled to yourself, walking over to him and sitting down on the table to quietly sip your coffee.

His strong gaze made your hair stand on end. You knew that young Spencer was in the prime of his hormones, so you were aware that, your actions, triggered something inside him that was noticeable in how the fabric of his pants suddenly tightened.

Hotch gave the necessary directions to the team, leaving you and Spencer at the station as a fixed point.

You both had to re-profile geographically, taking into account the recent kills that had occurred. You were hitting on a clue.

But Spencer's lingering gaze and null words kept you quite distracted. Every time you turned around, Spencer looked away; every time you leaned in, you felt him swallow hard; every brush was a real turn-on for him.

So you decided to face him.

"If you keep undressing me with your eyes, I'm going to catch a cold, dr. Reid."

A smile tugged at your lips as you saw him stop so suddenly, seeing him frozen in place.

You walked up to face him, who had a face like a sweet apple.

"I-I meant no disrespect, Y/N. I-I just... I can't e-explain my behavior-"

"If you want to see them up close, come to my room tonight. Mommy would be happy to have you over to learn a little more about human anatomy, pretty boy."

Your thumb ran across his lips, gently pushing this one over them before turning your attention back to the profile they made.

Well, you realised because as soon as you pulled away, young Dr. Reid escaped into the bathroom.

I think that was too much encouragement for the moment.

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If you like it, don't forget to like and repost it.

a lot of love, alme. ❀

[cyberrose2001]

Hello! May I request a TFP Ratchet x Gn! reader, scenario.

maybe Reader is always kinda just butting heads with Ratchet when it comes to the kids, care and health cause Rewder is a nurse.

TFP Ratchet x Nurse!GN!Reader

Being a nurse myself, I wrote a little bit of this from my own experience, so that's kinda fun :)

Here a lil oneshot for you anon, I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: SFW, Medical talk/terminology/tools (aka sharp object)

Word count: 781

You're exhausted. The pounding headache radiates to your sore feet as you shuffle into the Autobot base. You probably look like shit, and there's a good reason. You've come into contact with too many bodily fluids of different kinds today, and you sorely need a decontamination shower. Not to mention the number of times you've had to re-insert IV lines in a very, very confused elderly woman. You had given up the fight and called her doctor to tell him that you were not willing to get sucker punched in the guts again. Days like today make you question your career choice.

But as sucky as it is, it's also rewarding. Your knowledge and expertise have often helped the kids when they're injured, sick or straight-up infected by the blood of an ancient god of chaos inhabiting the very planet your sore legs are walking upon.

Yeah, other healthcare professionals could learn a thing or two from you.

Speaking of other 'healthcare professionals', Ratchet has been getting on your nerves more than usual lately. Ever since Raf almost died at the hands of dark energon, he insists that he helps with the health and wellbeing of the kids, despite knowing next to nothing about the anatomy and homeostasis of humans other than the fact that "If they get underfoot, they will go… squish." in his words. So, in his minimal spare time, he researched different diseases and injuries common among humans and the treatments for each. And while you appreciated his dedication to better his understanding of humans, he was becoming a hypochondriac in the process.

Like right now. You had walked in on Ratchet, giving Jack a complete head-to-toe assessment. The poor kid was lying face down on one of the human-sized gurneys while Ratchet poked and prodded at his back, and oh my god, is that a scalpel.

"Ratchet!" You call out, running over to the gurney as fast as your tired legs can manage, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Nurse Y/n, you're just in time!" Ratchet exclaims, "I have detected a malignant mass of cells on the left periscapular region of Jack's skin and require your assistance in its removal."

You could not have deadpanned at him any harder, "You got all that just by looking at it? Let me see."

Ratchet steps back as your dermatitis-ridden hands touch the 'malignant mass of cells' to examine it, and you roll your eyes to find that it's not what Ratchet thinks it was.

"Ratchet, that's just a mole." You say, then you give Jack a few pats on the back, "It's alright, nothing to worry about. You're free to go."

Jack drags himself off the gurney and hastily puts his shirt back on, mouthing a silent 'thank you' as he speed walks as fast as he can away from a very stunned Ratchet, who still wields his scalpel. You look back up at him with a very unimpressed look, folding your arms.

"Are you serious?" You say, "You were just gonna slice off a mole because you thought it was malignant?"

Ratchet huffs, putting down the scalpel before throwing his servos on his hips, rolling his optics, "If you had any competence at all, you would've already examined it months ago and determined that this 'mole' is, in fact, deadly!"

"He's had that thing for years since he was born!" You growl. Your patience is wearing thin like your skin that's been abused from all the alcohol gel you used today, "June told me he's already had it looked at. You need proper reason and consent from the patient before taking a blade to the skin. Jack was clearly unwilling. Did they not teach you this stuff in 'Robot Medical Ethics 101' or whatever the hell you call it?"

"Jack is a child," Ratchet scoffs yet again, and it's taking all of your strength not to climb up his chassis and strangle his neck cabling into oblivion, "I am a physician. I had merely overridden his consent and took matters into my own servos."

You facepalm so hard that you are sure your face has condensed into a black hole from the force. Frustrated, you then rub your forehead, "Look, I know you're trying to help the kids. I can see that. But I really need to shower before my legs collapse. How about I do that and then come back to teach you the proper method of patient evaluation and consent procedures?"

Ratchet quirks an optic ridge before a small smile ever so slightly creeps onto his dermas, "As much as I dislike the thought of a human teaching me about medical procedures, I would very much appreciate the gesture."

[salemsimsrender]

Beginner Blender Tutorial Basic Render: Part One (Importing a Sim and Adjusting Textures)

To learn the basics, we'll begin with a super simple render: one sim, one pose, one background.

But first, the anatomy of blender.

(image & list courtesy of Blender's online manual)

Yellow - 3D viewport (workspace) The 3D Viewport is used to interact with the 3D scene for a variety of purposes, such as modeling, animating, texture painting, etc.

Green - Outliner The Outliner is a list that organizes data in the blend-file, i.e. the scene data, Video Sequencer data, or anything that gets stored in a blend-file.

Blue - Properties The Properties shows and allows editing of many active data, including the active scene and object.

Red - Timeline The Timeline editor, identified by a clock icon, is used for manipulating keyframes and scrubbing the Playhead.

The tools I use most I've highlighted below:

I won't outline their uses just now, but we'll be going over them as we use them.

Different creators like to split their blender window up in different ways, but this is my preferred setup when I'm working:

I use the yellow half of the screen as a render preview/3D workspace

I use the blue half for shader editing, posing, etc.

You can set yours up like mine or find what's comfortable for you.

When you first open blender, you'll be greeted by the default cube, lamp, and camera.

Delete them! You can do this two ways:

Click and drag your mouse over all 3 and delete or Select all 3 in the side menu and hit x on your keyboard

Step 1: Importing our Sim

After deleting the default items, we'll import our sim. This tutorial assumes you've already ripped your sim (if you haven't, check here for how to do so!)

Now, let's import.

Click file -> import -> collada (dae) Select your DAE and click "import"

Your sim will look a little... off (thick eyelashes and a weird shine), but that's okay we're going to fix it! Your sim might also look solid white. If that's the case, make sure you're in the right mode. You can adjust modes by clicking on one of the four circles in the top right of the screen.

These are your viewport modes.

Wireframe (far left) - good for mesh editing Solid (middle left) - good for posing Material Preview (middle right) - what we work in most, shows everything with textures (color) Rendered (far right) - this shows your render preview We'll be working mostly in Material Preview

You can also switch between modes by hitting z on your keyboard then selecting which one you want I'll be using mostly keyboard shortcuts but I'll show you how to do both as we go along

Step 2: Adjusting Our Sim's Textures

Let's fix our sim's textures.

First. set up your workspace. Separate your workspace into two windows (as shown in the picture above with a yellow half and a blue half) and select "shader editor" in your right-side window. Like this:

Next, navigate to your Outliner and click the little dropdown beside "rig"

Under "rig" you'll see your sim's body parts listed. We're going to select "Body" When we click "Body", these colored blocks will appear in our shader editor window.

These are called Nodes. We use Nodes to adjust textures for various items in blender (sims, walls, furniture, etc). To add a new Node, you can select "add" in the top bar, or hit Shift+A on your keyboard and add in the node you need.

We're going to add in a Mix Shader and a Transparent Shader (both found under the Shader tab) and adjust our nodes this way:

Snug the Mix Shader between the Principled BSDF and the Material Output. Now we have to connect our Nodes and adjust our Principled BSDF. For the sake of this tutorial, I'll show the basic Node & Shader adjustments, but we'll go into each of them in a later tutorial.

Adjust your Principled BSDF like this, then connect your Node lines exactly like this:

You'll see that our SIm's body looks a bit different from her head, hair and shoes. That's good! Now we need to duplicate that texture to the rest of our sim.

Navigate to your Outliner again, and use Shift+Click to select the rest of the body parts in the list Don't select pose or rig.001 and make sure the Body is selected first EDIT: You'll only see "body" if your sim has a full body outfit on! If they have a shirt and pants, you'll have "Bottom" and "Top" instead! In this case, select "bottom"!

Now, hover your cursor over your sim/the 3D viewport window, and press Ctrl+L on your keyboard. This brings up the Link/Transfer data window. Select "Link Materials"

Our sim is looking better, but her eyelashes are still dark, let's fix that now.

In your Properties area, navigate to Material Properties (the little red ball)

Change your Blend Mode to Alpha Hashed We will always set Blend Mode to Alpha Hashed

Now our sim looks right!

In Part Two, we'll pose her, set up the scene, and run the render!

[bichianti]

Thank you, and lol!

Anatomy, hu. Don't overwhelm yourself with wanting to get everything looking right from the start. Pick one thing/body part and get good at that, so you also experience a sense of achievement. It doesn't matter if the rest of it looks all wonky, you can always improve that later, but to keep drawing is probably the hardest part of learning art, as a beginner.

I noticed improvements when I started to "learn" art (and still in the middle of doing so...), as in how to structure it and break in down into shapes. Proko is an amazing channel and he also features a lot of different artists giving advice. I think it's a good starting point. Another is David Finch. There's also plenty of artbooks out there, physical and digitally and you will have to figure out what works best for you personally. (there really are a lot of channels and I can't list them all here lol).

My "unique style" is crazy to hear because it just so developed over many years... and I was pretty unhappy with it for a long time (huh). So I can't even tell you. I would not get hung up on that. I guess it's a mix of trying to draw/paint things I also find pleasing to look at.

Oh and.... don't shy away to use your fav characters to practice. I actually can't do it any other way, TBH! So you don't have to do faceless "draw 1000 of those", if you find this tedious. But imagine a character doing something specific!

Almost always. I recently do it like this: I find a pleasing/interesting pose, and loosely re-construct it in a 3d posing program (I use Magic Poser).

I know my bad habits and I still try to work on them and one is definitely that I often jump too fast into a later stage of drawing. So I spend a lot of time trying to "fix" errors which I should have done in an early sketch phase... I still do that LOL but I try to do better. And having such a 3d pose reference helps me a lot.

[daisychainsandbowties]

thoughts on autistic beatrice 

i got a couple asks about this, so here we go.

speaking. despite her talent for linguistics, and her fascination with language, Beatrice does sometimes have periods where she is non-verbal. alternates with days where she needs to talk a lot. Lilith usually gets subjected to her talkativeness on these occasions - or rather, she subjects herself to it, willingly. knows how to respond and manage and help when things are a lot. she is quite content to sit and listen and poke fun while Beatrice lets all of the thoughts out of her head. 

Bea has areas of specific focus, and likes to tell convoluted stories to reach her point bc it’s how her brain likes to do things, and Lilith is one of the rare people who will simply listen, who is not impatient. Bea has been trained to think in straight lines, but there is a natural obliqueness to her thought processes. & especially when she is tired and/or hurt it unravels out of her. 

it takes a long time for her to trust anyone enough to actually relax and do that kind of stimming, but once things are easier it’s at least once a week, and Lilith pretty much drops everything to go sit with her in the library or down by the cliff or in the sun by one of the outer walls. this is astonishing to Bea, because nobody in her life has been willing to listen to her talk before, for hours. 

for Lilith it’s like watching the sun rise, & Bea transforms when she’s able to let all of the many myriad & often beautiful thoughts she has find their way out. to have them held and appreciated.

special interests. i think for sure Bea is really interested in math & physics & linguistics & probably a bit of architecture (my girl knew how to convert dirra to feet = math nerd AND architecture nerd, for sure). 

re: physics - Bea is just really interested in the mechanics of the universe, & it’s kind of an adjacent interest when you throw knives, because there is math involved & a bit of physics knowledge, especially for her throws which are from unpredictable distances (usually knife-throwing is done at standard distances with more or less consistent trajectories. whereas Bea throws in consistently unpredictable circumstances, often at moving targets).

she likes spiders and pretty much all fields of biology - anatomy, entomology, biophysics (she was a bit obsessed with gravitational tropism & how they grew plants in space), biochem, physiology of all kinds. definitely used to do architectural sketches for fun. knows all about how buildings have been constructed over the centuries. likes spiders because misunderstood, solitary, & just rlly rlly interesting as creatures. linguistics for obvious reasons. aka ‘if i learn ten languages i will be able to talk to people’ = cue not knowing what to say to people in ten languages. i’m gonna say she likes prime numbers. the mystery of them, the way they are so strange and self-contained.

routine! Bea is big into routine. it helps her to deal with the parts of her life that will always be chaotic - OCS activities are pretty much chaotic by default, because possession and demons don’t keep people-hours. 

she NEEDS to go running every day & Lilith is usually the only one who can keep pace with her, so they get up in the predawn dark most mornings and run until the sun rises. they don’t talk while they run, but they have a sort of silent conversation going on. gentle competition and mutual egging-on. performing stupid little parkour tricks where no one can see them. once or twice they go down by the beach and end up trying to toss each other into the ocean. 

when they get back Beatrice has muesli (she always has muesli, when she can) & she has this specific blue bowl and this specific spoon. everyone knows not to touch it (and Lilith knows too but still does dickhead things like hide it, but she gives it back almost immediately. just likes to see Bea’s face scrunch up like an emoji. she calls it ‘your haughty little stare’. 

Lilith peels an orange while Beatrice makes up her breakfast (picking the banana chips out. ‘why don’t you just get the brand without banana chips.’ ‘you wouldn’t understand.’) Lilith scatters orange peel everywhere on purpose and Beatrice goes around after sweeping them into her palm, which makes her hands smell like citrus (and, incidentally, exactly like Lilith’s, all day long).

time-blindness/interoception. Beatrice loses time. has a habit of going into a trance or just hyper-focussing on things. in those instances Mary or Lilith or Cam will find her just Staring and they always go to fetch Shannon, because she has a knack; she’s a gentle stirring presence, and she goes and puts her palms on Bea’s face and gets her eyes to focus on her. narrows the world down to simple touch. leads with a couple of innocent questions about math or sometimes jellyfish, or any of the topics Bea likes. 

this is what she needs. Mary is the steady voice that pulls everyone together in a fight, but Shannon has the measure of Beatrice. she knows to ask questions, to lure her out of her stupor with positive things. gentle, stirring. usually there’s nothing bad about losing the time, except that she can end up with throbbing headaches from dehydration.

but it’s time her brain needs, to be away from other people, because Beatrice has observed and catalogued and she is pretty good at the social side of things. yet it is exhausting. & sometimes she needs a hour or two to just exist in her own orbit.

eye-contact. when she’s comfy she tends to stray away from eye-contact, just because other body language is better and not so overwhelming as eyes, but martial arts taught her how important the eyes are for betraying intent, so she looks. but if she trust ppl there’s less eye contact. what there is, then, means more. 

she and Lilith are almost entirely absent of eye-contact when alone with each other. they are parallel play pros, and they save eye-contact for fighting, though Lilith is extraordinarily good at NOT giving away anything with her eyes. she can be beating the crap out of two people at once and look like she’s grocery shopping, but when she’s in the swing of things there’s often a manic glee to her eyes. & Bea likes that because it’s uncomplicated and wild and honest. but yeah, Mary occasionally goes to Shannon - ‘hey, do you think Beatrice would know the answer if i asked her what colour Lilith’s eyes are?’

speaking (contd.) Bea does have a tendency to forget about inflection in speech. has a monotone a lot of the time, which other people mistake for condescension. she can be very persuasive, but when she’s comfortable her voice keeps this unerringly constant pitch.

doesn’t tend to have the wild wavers you expect when ppl are with their friends; actually gets flatter & more even the more enthused she is. so she’ll be telling Lilith about how spiders can walk upside down on glass & the pitch, if you measured it, would be a straight line, but this speaks to Lilith’s brain too, because it isn’t jumping on distinctions in sound & getting anxious over it. 

if you pay attention to the rest of Bea’s body language it’s easy to see how excited she is, but that doesn’t manifest in her voice so much. oh she can emote vocally with the best of them (cut to the museum heist scene where Vincent kidnaps Ava) but calm relaxed Bea is going to be rocking that monotone.

food. for the first while in cat’s cradle Beatrice has trouble with mealtimes. it was never her forte - always the first down to breakfast in boarding school, so eventually the ppl setting up just left a bowl out for her & the tureen of muesli, and a milk bottle still slick with dew from sitting on the stoop with all the others. 

it’s the social aspect, mostly, and the change of routine, that get to her. plus Beatrice just isn’t motivated by food at all - for her it’s like, due to interoception, and some sensory preferences, though Bea’s a good soldier and can just ignore texture and taste if she has to. 

she doesn’t like the tables in the vaulted hall or the weird dim lighting, and all the other nuns talking in hushed voices so they become this susurration of sound. so she just skips lunch, or dinner. 

Lilith insists that she could care less, & she only tells Mary because otherwise she’ll get a lecture about responsibility and the new recruits, and also Bea is the best fighter besides her, and she doesn’t want to win just because the little twit forgets to eat. 

initially Mary just insists that Bea goes to meals with her. that doesn’t really help too much; Bea goes where she’s told, but yk you can lead a horse to water, can’t make them drink.

one day Mary goes and sits down next to Bea while she’s reading one day out in the courtyard, & hands her a cup of pudding from a bunch of surplus (and almost expired) MREs that the OCS bulk-bought ages ago. & Bea, skeptical but obedient, open it up & tries it & Mary, privately, thinks it’s chalky and overly sweet, but Bea adores it. she reads the nutritional info and is weirdly psyched by how ‘full of food groups’ it is. (Mary shrugs, but Lilith gets it; she also grew up craving salt and protein and portions larger than a palm). 

Mary bulk buys even more of them, & soon the Trio™ start carrying them around. Shannon has a bunch in her backpack, and Mary keeps them in the glove box of the van. Lilith sometimes just has one in the pocket of her hoodie, so that when it’s a Hard Day they can all reliably take Bea out into the sun with a bit of breeze coming up over the cliffside, & pass her a horrible calorie-dense protein pudding monstrosity.

it works, though. once Bea has Lilith to cling to she doesn’t mind going to the official means, & also Mother Superion takes her in her office & tells her she can go to the kitchen or eat in MS’s office if she’s not feeling it any evening. it works, and Beatrice manages to win against Lilith two out of five times in training, and she looks better and more than she has in her whole life, because the ppl around her FINALLY care about what she needs.

touch. Bea actually really likes it. flinches, at first, when Mary throws an arm around her, or when Shannon goes to her after a hard fight and presses their foreheads together, and leaves her sooty thumb-prints on Bea’s cheeks from holding her face. 

Lilith is another touch-starved bitch so they are like two polarised magnets initially, but after a while it changes. Beatrice falling asleep against Lilith in the back of the OCS fan. Bea having a panic attack and Mary climbing clear over the handbrake from the front seat (shotgun) to go and hold her very tightly, and rock her, and just say meaningless nice things.

Lilith like a deer in the headlights watching it, but eventually letting Beatrice braid her hair when her hands won’t stop shaking from the adrenaline. at once point they are hiding from possessed ppl & Lilith wraps her whole body around Bea, pressing them together into the shadows, and Beatrice is just… stunned by the closeness of it all. the lemon and sweat smell of Lilith (Bea starts stealing her shampoo after that). 

eventually she knows how to seek touch, how to ask for it & Bea and Lilith become kind of ridiculous about it (just watch the infirmary scene). they sit propping each other up, side-by-side or back-to-back. Bea with her legs flung over Lilith’s lap, reading out of a book in the library. in church playing ‘one-two-three-four, i declare a thumb war’ while Mary loses her shit in the row behind them. 

Beatrice likes braiding hair, and when she’s upset she just clings to ppl (Lilith starts calling her barnacle and also limpet) but both of them need that from each other, & most of the other sisters are just not Bea’s people; she has her three people (four, almost, when Cam arrives). 

with Mary it’s a lot of rough shoving and headlocks and kicking each other’s calves and ‘hey, think fast!’ followed by Mary chucking something at Bea. 

with Shannon it’s the face-touching, and her arms folding Bea into a hug to end all hugs. & obviously with Ava we have Beatrice the little spoon, & her quiet amazement at how much Ava likes touching her arms or pecking her on the cheek - i don’t think she was raised to believe that people might long to touch her, and where Lilith hid her longing pretty deftly, Ava is much more open about it; it’s part of what shocks her when Ava hugs her very suddenly that first time in Cat’s Cradle after the wall incident - not the touch, but the recognition of Ava’s hunger for it. i think it occurred to Beatrice that maybe Ava could not even remember the last time someone hugged her like that. i think she understands& once they’re together it’s stupid how often they are in contact with each other, but it’s Bea’s love language, i think.

sensory issues. texture is obviously a thing for Beatrice. specifically with food, but also with clothes. you’ll see (in the show) that she tends to favour clothes that are loose around the arms (part of her reasoning being that it’s easier and better to fight in loose-fitting clothes) but yeah she’s not a fan of tight clothing. likes pressure on her own terms. she likes sweaters and tank tops, men’s-section t-shirts because the weird v-shape of women’s sleeves is foul and heinous. she does like to button shirts all the way up to the top because for unknown reasons it feels safe and precise.

sound is not too bad for Bea. she’s used to a lot of shouting in martial arts training (the use of a kiai in kendo is well-established & often super loud. she kind of likes that, shrieking at the top of her lungs with permission) and also gunshots with the OCS. none of it bothers her more than gunshots are just super unpleasant to hear for anyone. 

she does enjoy asmr though. ocean sounds especially (thunder is bad unless there’s a really predictable interval between bouts of thunder) hates those deep-space ones because the bass makes her feel dizzy.

she just also really likes the sound of the people she loves talking. sometimes she can get Lilith to say more than four sentences together & it’s heaven. Ava obviously has her doe-eyed with her ability to talk about anything, to fill silences with good sound. 

Bea HATES to be shouted at, berated etc. but mostly for trauma reasons, b/c of the whole endless night her parents yelled at her before they sent her away. this is part of the reason that silence makes her a bit uneasy, unless she knows what it means. 

silence with Lilith has a few flavours; she has a happy silence, which is like a cat coming to sit in a room with you. she also has a broody silence, which Bea likes too, actually, because Lilith isn’t angry, she’s just filling the room with the noisiness of her thoughts. her angry silence makes Beatrice want to say around too, but only in the hope of mending things. Mary’s silences are usually good, or else they’re about Shannon. & Shannon has her gentle silences and her hidden silences. the fact is that silence for Bea is rarely actual silence, because she is too attentive to the meanings of silence. 

she likes Ava’s version of silence, which is talking. 

is also very very perceptive of sound - Lilith insists you can’t hear electricity OR spiders moving around, but Bea is adamant that you can, actually. she always knows when there’s a big house spider in her room bc they are NOT stealthy. it’s why she likes asmr - esp. in cat’s cradle - because it drowns out the small noises of the convent which don’t get tuned out by her brain.

light can be annoying for Bea. headcanon is that the museum heist sunglasses were not a brand new acquisition - Ava got them for Bea in Switzerland (‘you shouldn’t read in the sun if you’re gonna squint, bea’) because Beatrice got headaches from too much light, & they looked dorky so two birds with one stone. she does appreciate light, though, and loves sitting in the sun. anything that is not like England. she gets weird and sad when it rains too much. also HATES being rained on. fully sulks about it.

finally, stimming! i think when she’s upset Bea would, ideally, self-soothe by rocking. it’s why Mary does it, because Bea’s parents berated her for it so many times that her body freezes up at the thought. 

she likes to braid hair, as i said. likes tapping things, fiddling with things in her hands - reason why she’s so ‘puts hands behind back’ ‘puts hands in pockets’ ‘makes hands hold each other so they can’t do their own thing’. but yeah, in Switzerland it happens a lot more. playing with pens, tapping thumb & forefinger, tapping surfaces (very lightly), AHEM skipping stones. just keeping those guys busy. 

asmr is also stimming, btw. & so is eating the right food for the purpose of enjoying the textures. all of the touching. 

she also has mental stims! that r like… doing equations, or running through facts. counting primes. reciting as much of pi as she can in one minute, imagining a clock face and watching it move. i think so much of her stimming is probably mental, actually. rlly fun stims are finding linguistic patterns in things, or translating things back and forth - so like, from english to french to german to latin & then going back without cheating to see if any changes get imposed by counter-translating directly - also spatial reasoning in general is good stimming. thinking, how exactly would that fall? or imagining things swinging or shattering or anything like that, where you have to extrapolate a bit based on instinct and also knowledge. having to be so internal her whole life would have furnished her with a bunch of them, but i think her OCS family bring so many good visible stims to the surface too!

anyway, those are some of my thoughts on autistic bea. i love her very.

[your-unfriendlyghost]

How'd you end up discovering your art style?

Well, it wasn’t much of a discovery- it’s just how I draw, I guess! It evolves over time and changes based on what artists I’m looking up to and what styles I’m into

But I can give ya a (recent-ish) evolution of my style/a break-down on all its influences over the past two years if ya wanna see how it all happened!

-

Some stuff from July-October of 2022

Two-three-ish years ago, for instance, it was more classical painting inspired. I was real into Over the Garden Wall and also just…general American history back then don’t judge I was coming off of my first American history class since elementary school and I thought it was so cool So my art had more of like…that going on yk? It wasn’t as good as my stuff now at all, because I’ve since improved my anatomy skills, learned how to draw fabric folds (sorta), and learned a bit of color theory lol. But they’re ok for what they are, I guess.

I think my main problem back then was the fact that I did not fully know how to use references- and a lotta my references were like. Cartoons. And stuff that was very much not meant to be painted in the amount of detail I aimed for at the time.

(Even here, you can tell I was dissatisfied, because they all look pretty different from each other yk?) (and you can see how hardly any of the fabric has folds and how little I understood lighting 😭)

-

January-March ‘23

Anyhow, after this, in uhh early 2023, I had a 80s-90s comic book/pop art phase, which was a pretty drastic swing in the opposite direction. I still rendered things sometimes, but things were less soft/warm. BUT I was starting to use real photos as references which was vital

I was also watching a lotta tmnt with my kid brother, which is what I blame for why the proportions got so stylized- folks in the 2012 version of that show were just kinda built funny, which I think subconsciously impacted my art. My posing did get a bit stronger in this time as I practiced more, and I think things got less stiff

-

June-August ‘23

Next, as the summer months came, I had a lotta changes in inspo and also just in life lol. I had temporarily moved to my neighbor’s place, and I didn’t have a car yet/any friends who I liked enough to hang around with, so all summer long I rewatched a lotta 80s movies, fell in love with the first season of Stranger Things (not the others as much tho 😭), skateboarded, and watched a lotta art tutorials online. (I specifically remember Jackie Droujko’s yt shorts saving my assss- I loved her stuff so much. Definitely check ‘em out she explains things real well)

I improved slowly, but I DID IMPROVE a HELLUVA LOT. I focused a lot on trying to draw people who looked recognizably like themselves, but also stylized because realism (usually) bores me. I also got better at coloring- the first two here ain’t great in terms of colors, but I was learning. Plus, back then I was very into oddly saturated color schemes. (I mean it is a solid vibe. I may not do this a ton anymore but I can dig it still)

-

October-November ‘23

As autumn came, I was pretty enamored with all the like…✨fall vibes✨ that time around. My life was goin’ well, so I had a lotta optimism and a re-ignited love for nature, forests, and fantasy. Plus I was dating this girl who was really into vintage-y Wes Anderson stuff so I think some of that uhhh twee-ness rubbed off on me lol

My influences here were mainly old storybooks, a hint of Lord of the Rings (as you can probably tell by the hobbit), and a decent amount of Fantastic Mr. Fox. And for faces I was mainly using the Laurenillusrated Brushpack at the time I think? I don’t use the “Sketchy” brush in it as often anymore as I did then, but I should. It’s a great brush, and I actually am really liking all the little sketchy lines. It adds a nice touch.

also don’t look at my goddamn long hair in that self portrait on the left. I hated it on me then and I hate it now too. I cannot believe I ever let it get that long it was really bad

-

December ‘23-April ‘24

I honestly did like a total of like. Seven drawings in these four months. As opposed to my usual…uhhh I wanna say 25 every four months. Idk what was up- art just wasn’t fun at the time. I mean, it was also just a lousy few months in general, so I’m sure that’s a part of it lol, but yk. This style is pretty close to my current one- my inspiration just came from x-files-ish sci-fi and American gothic stories/images as opposed to nowadays’ Beat generation and greaser inspo.

May-Now (October) ‘24

The Outsiders kinda dragged me back into enjoying drawing again honestly. I’d read and loved it back in 2023, but upon rereading it/watching the movie in February of 2024, it just sorta…entered my headspace and stayed this time. (Still, I didn’t really draw any Outsiders/greaser-y things till May)

Lately, I take artistic inspiration in 2d animated films, like the ones by Disney with the real nicely drawn fabric folds. And also just a lotta inspo from real life. I also do a lot of black and white comics, because I find that I generally have a “Go big or go home” mentality about most things- which can be a LOT of pressure! By allowing myself to draw simpler doodle-y things, I’ve regained that love for drawing. I think for a while it just felt like work, but in letting myself take it easy, art’s become a good time again :))

[artastic-friend]

Info Post!

Current account status: mental health really not doing well :(

Hi, my name is March, I'm a 21 yr old masc-presenting, non-binary artist, also an ecology and conservation major. I like to draw.. mostly fandom stuff and OCs.. but also I love spiders and studying them! I love learning about all animals and their anatomy, psychology, and impact on their environment and other organisms! Oh.. I'm also A massive simp for the Giant Robot DJ from FNAF SB... which is entirely unrelated but also probably the main this you’ll see on this account besides sipiders and art 💀

My pronouns are they/them and it/its but I am also ok with he/him

Welcome! I post my art, and bug/spider photos here!

MUSIC MAN ART BOARD INFO POST + LINK (feel free to message me about it if you wanna join)

FNAF Art Board (Public, Free to join)

Here are some of my most-used tags:

My Art - any of my art or doodles!

DJ Music Man - self explanatory 💀 about 85% of what I post…

OC - any posts that focus on some original characters of mine ^^ (or others')

My Spider Pics - If you want to see pictures and videos of my irl spiders, or any that I find. You can see them here!

and here is my linktree including the link to my Etsy if you would like to find me on other platforms and/or support me!

My iNaturalist account is “marchh”

My ask box is always open! Feel free to send me an ask anytime, and/or a doodle request! No promises that I will draw the thing you ask though. And sometimes I might just take a while to respond!

@artastic-foe is my reblog/spam account! I like to reblog a lot of stuff but also don't want to spam my followers with it, so most of the stuff I reblog will be over there haha! Though recently I’ve been trying my best to reblog on my main more! Especially stuff from mutuals ^^

Here is my persona. This is how I draw myself. To clarify, I do see this character as an extension of myself, and they are very personal to me. Though I know ofc they are not literally me. I like to creature-ify them at times and sometimes will even make alturnate versions of them for fun.. but in the end I still see them as a representation of me. They share my name and are designed after me (but with added features) after all!✨

I'm honestly not too sure of what my sona is meant to be- but I see them as like... A satyr?? but if the goat aspect of said satyr was actually a deer mixed with a unicorn?? Hence the long tail and single "antler"..

Idk lol. Just.. I guess be careful with how you treat this character, because whatever you do with them I will interpret that as something you are doing to me 💀

Anyway!!! I'll also clarify that I don't mind people drawing this character! If you do, I will actually be eternally grateful! Just don't draw them doing anything weird or sexual💀

speaking of which..

Boundaries:

I am a sex-repulsed Asexual! So please do not comment or send me anything implying sex or sensual activities.. It makes me very uncomfortable. If it's low-key and just light joking then that's fine, just nothing explicit please. (For clarity, bodies are not sexual on their own. Nudity does not bother me. It is the sexual implications and behaviors and acts that bother me personally TvT)

Do not steal and re-upload any of my art! Even if they are just little doodles. If you would like to for any reason, DM me about the specifics, but If I do not respond, that is not permission to do so anyway!

Please do not refer to me with feminine terms. If it’s an honest mistake, you’re ok, but if you are doing it on purpose, I will either not acknowledge you, or if you continue to do so I will block you.

Just… don't be weird lol- Be kind and respectful of people!

[whumpacabra]

Chapter 6. Othered

Past self harm, dissociation, knife wound, hand trauma, implied painful shapeshifting, whump of a minor [11], implied past abuse, past trauma, implied fantasy racism

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“How is he?” Kell was practically on the verge of tears themself. They didn’t know how Misha could smile and joke while bandaging Finn’s bloodied hand. Even less so since Finn hadn’t squeaked, hadn’t mumbled or so much as looked at anyone since Kell found the boy cutting himself to pieces in the kitchen.

“…I’m not sure. His - his other hand. Never seen anything like it.” Misha’s smile dropped the second he turned away from the lad, still listless and hollowed out where he sat on the floor of the bunk area. The medic had never looked so unsure, so shaken. “The captain - “

“No.” Kell had been adamant when they first flagged down the medic and begged for his discrete assistance. They knew too well Flint’s past to trust him with Finn’s future, not when he was - well, when the boy wasn’t human.

At first glance Kell thoughts it was burns, the bleaching of White Fire or eel spit, the way Finn’s recently sun tanned hands were a shock of white. But the webbing, the curl of blunt, black claws where his chipped and bitten fingernails once resided - that was beyond human injury. Human anatomy.

And Finn had tried to hide it from them.

To the point of cutting it away himself.

“I cannot - I cannot treat him if I don’t know what - what to do about - about this.” Misha splayed his own hand for emphasis, trying to keep his voice quiet as though Finn couldn’t hear them at this proximity. (He probably couldn’t - eyes empty and expression slack.)

“The captain - do not tell the captain about this. You - Finn’s terrified - was terrified we would see whatever this is. The captain won’t… Sweet Marie. We can ask her.”

“You fetch her. I…don’t think he should be alone right now.” Misha said with a nod, turning back to Finn and crouching in front of the shivering child, whispering comforts that fell on unhearing ears.

Kell swallowed their fear and put on a brave face, tossing their locs over their shoulder. Keeping secrets from each other was almost impossible - and strictly against the code. Keeping this secret from the captain… Kell wasn’t sure how long they could do it, but for Finn’s sake, they hoped it was long enough to figure out what to do with him.

Marie was above, scouring the decks with sharp eyes from the helm. Finn was supposed to be learning the wind patterns with her… She caught sight of Kell where they emerged from the hold, the pair locking eyes for a brief moment. She could see that something was wrong, immediately stepping away from her post and descending with them to the bunks.

“What happened?” There was an uncharacteristic anxiety in her husky voice. She noticed that Kell didn’t go straight to Flint.

“It’s - here, Misha.” Kell took a lantern from the wall, the dim light illuminating Finn’s tear stained face and the fresh blood stains on his borrowed shirt. Sweet Marie’s breathing stuttered, a flash of grief and fear across her face as she looked between the boy and Misha, who sat next to him with a protective arm over his shaking shoulders.

“Kell found him in the kitchen. Cut - cut his left hand. Much the way they were the first night.” Misha gingerly held up Finn’s freshly bandaged hand, red already leaking through the bandages. (Kell could almost swear the white blotches around his wrist had faded closer to his natural color in the past few minutes.)

“Finn hurt himself?” Marie’s worry was boiling over to anger - not at the boy, of course. Kell shrank with an apologetic grimace. It had been their duty to keep an eye on him, it was their fault he slipped away -

“He didn’t want us to see this.” Misha continued, gesturing Marie crouch as he tentatively lifted Finn’s other hand.

Kell was right - the blotches had faded, at least from their pure white glow to a more natural if still too-pale hue. But the webbing remained, thick and purposeful between his fingers, black claws shining in the lamplight as Misha splayed the boy’s hand. Sweet Marie inhaled sharply, but the glint in her eyes wasn’t fear or disgust. Curiosity tinged with compassion, the same as that welling in Kell’s heart.

“Flint?”

“Doesn’t know.” They assured her, her face hardening as she nodded. “Do…do you know - ?”

“Nothing I’ve ever seen before.” She muttered, cautiously taking Finn’s hand from Misha, running her fingers over the discolored skin. “Finn, sweetheart, can you look at me?”

He flinched at his name, but didn’t raise his head. For a few grim moments, Kell worried whatever goodwill and rapport the crew had built with the boy had been completely shattered. But, head wobbling on an unsteady neck, he slowly raised his dim, blood shoot eyes to Marie’s face. She gave his hand, inhuman but unharmed, a gentle squeeze.

“We won’t tell the captain. But…do you know why this happened?”

(Did the boy even know what he was?)

Finn’s eyes fled her face, but he nodded, biting the inside of his cheek surely hard enough to draw blood. Kell crouched, hoping their presence added to this circle of safety instead of detracting from it. Finn glanced at them, eyes apologetic.

“Was it the sea water?” They prompted, knowing how rarely Finn spoke even when completely comfortable. The boy’s eyes flashed to them, wide and brimming with tears of fear. Another nod. “Okay. It’s okay, Finn, we just - we’re trying to figure out how to help you.”

The lad’s expression crumbled, a pillar worn away by the tide finally collapsing into the sea. The distinctly inhuman chirp of a whine in Finn’s throat dissolved into a sob, and he let Misha cradle him onto his lap. Kell took a steadying breath and met Marie’s pensive eyes.

Figuring out how to help him was going to be difficult, if they didn’t even know what he was.

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Taglist: @bloodredfountainpen

[mhscipsy]

what is success?

i used to think success meant having some sort of fame or fortune, whether that was through academic achievements or popularity. i grew up in a household that often argued over finances and i was told that i need to make a certain amount of money when im older to survive. i was so scared of not being able to live comfortably that this thought often consumed me. i was never very popular growing up, but i was relatively smarter than my peers. being smart was a major driver of my self-esteem and doing poorly in class made me feel bad about myself. if i am not pretty or popular or smart, then what was the point of my existence; i wouldn't be able to survive in this economy anyways. so, i excelled in school and got into a good university. i finished my bachelor's degree and am now attending a professional program for pharmacy at one of the best universities in my country. this program was not my first choice and i chose to continue to actively pursue my dream program (medicine) while attending this pharmacy program. however, being in a professional healthcare program has made me completely re-think everything i previously thought...

i think i have gaslit myself into being a women in STEM...i used to think i liked sciences (and i think i did when i was younger) but it feels like i have fallen out of love with it. it does not bring me joy to go to class and learn about anatomy, cell receptors and the mathematical modelling of drug absorption. it just feels like something i have to do and i feel like a zombie. waking up, studying until my mind is numb with information, and then sleeping for 6 hours to do it all over again. i am exhausted and preform poorly on exams because i cannot think properly; my poor performance then drives self-hatred and i become depressed and do not feel like studying which makes me do poorly on the next test (you see the cycle). i am not sure what to do. i think to myself: "if you cannot handle pharmacy school, how would you ever manage medical school". i grew up in a toxic household and never learned many good strategies to combat stress. i am not sure if my feelings are true, but in this moment, right now, i actually hate it here and i am not interested in the physical sciences anymore. i think i would want to do something in recreation therapy or counselling. but its hard for me to quit something when i've started, so i am not sure what the right choice is: spend 4 years being miserable or quit now and restart in a new career that pays less money but also costs less to complete (cheaper program)...

i wish there was an easy choice, and maybe seeking help would be beneficial, but i am not sure how much longer i can go on like this...i am not sure if this is what success looks like...thanks for reading my random tangent. i just needed someone to talk to.

[loquaciousquark]

I was in clinic this morning with the rising third year students when a first year student came down to ask if I'd seen Dr. Jones. As it happened, I knew for a fact Dr. Jones was out of the building in a planned absence, because I was covering Dr. Jones's patients and students along with my own.

Well, said the first year, Dr. Jones is supposed to be lecturing to us on pupil anomalies from 10-12 today, and it's 10:30, and we don't know what to do. So I handed off my clinical students to the TA, told the TA to come get me when they were ready to check out, and went upstairs.

Thankfully I knew where this professor kept their lecture presentations on our shared drive, so I was able to pull up the slides for myself as well as email the file to the students. I started at 10:40 and was able to get all the way through the material except for three slides at the end, which was honestly better than I'd expected.

There were two things I kept thinking as I was lecturing. First, this pupils material used to be really hard for me; it's a lot of neuron arcs and pathways and subpathways and different types of receptors and such, and it can be blisteringly confusing if you don't have a rock-solid understanding of the underlying anatomy (which heck, I sure didn't when I took it!). When I was a student I failed an oral exam on pupils three and a half times and I think only passed the fourth out of genuine pity from my examiner. It was one of those things I constantly had to look up and re-learn for every exam because it just didn't stick. That I now felt so comfortable with the subject material that I could give an unrehearsed, unreviewed lecture with someone else's slides, and that I was confident that I could teach it effectively off the top of the dome, really hammered in how much I've learned since even my early years on faculty. I don't think I could have given this lecture without a prior material review eight years ago--maybe not even three years ago. There was one point where the PowerPoint was freezing and I said, "Well, if it keeps freezing, I can just talk to you about these conditions for the last thirty minutes," and I realized as I said it that I really could have.

The other thing I kept thinking about was that I have unexpectedly grown very comfortable with public speaking. I think it still counts as one of the most common fears in the U.S., but even getting up there in front of an audience of 40-something people with someone else's slides that I'd literally never seen in my life before, with an hour twenty to try to cram in as much information as I could, there really wasn't any fear or anxiety. Just the vague momentary sense of "oh boy, here we go," and not much more than that. It was honestly just really satisfying and affirming in a way I completely did not expect today.

Plus I think the lecture actually went over pretty well on top of that! Lots of class participation and laughter at my jokes, and nobody complained at all that I went all the way to the hour. Thankfully, the other doctor in clinic picked up almost all my slack there, and I was able to finish checking out the few last patients without them having to wait too long.

Still! I'd rather not make a habit of that, ha!

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

EVERY WEEK I WILL POST VARIOUS REVIEWS I’VE WRITTEN SO FAR IN 2024. YOU CAN CHECK OUT MY GOODREADS FOR MORE UP-TO-DATE REVIEWS HERE.

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60. Mislaid in Parts Half-Known by Seanan McGuire--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Falling into a new book in this series is always like falling mid-way into a dream--you're not entirely sure what's happening and you need a couple of chapters to recapture a hold of who the characters are and just where we are in the story.

MISLAID IN PARTS HALF-KNOWN is a slight continuation of the last book where we met a character who found herself in the in-between of doors. This is like a very loose sequel to that because we get to learn more about her "world" and how everything has led to the conclusion we get in this one.

I did really enjoy having these characters journeying through different worlds--even if some misadventures were more emotionally impactful for some characters over the others. I loved the exploration because it felt like I was going through these doors with these characters.

Also, why did the ending make me want to cry?

Will await the next one in this series because truly, this series could go on forever with the endless possibilities.

___

61. The Titan's Bride Vol. 2 by ITKZ--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

While the cover is pretty self-explanatory for what awaited me inside this manga, I'm also coming to really enjoy the storyline. In this one, we find the MC starting to come to terms with his circumstances and the importance of whatever choice he makes.

I am also intrigued by the secret everyone is seemingly keeping from him.

And yes, this manga is very, erm, sexual, but there IS a storyline in there and it is, at times, quite heartfelt. I also like the fact that the MC has a big heart and his past trauma isn't something he just magically forgot when faced when um, certain large anatomies.

Will read the next volume!

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62. Barbarian's Mate by Ruby Dixon--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

At first, I thought that the BARBARIAN'S MATE was going to be my least favourite in the series because of how frustrating the characters were and how much of a let-down it (initially) felt like. But then as the story progressed and I got to know the characters and the reasoning behind their behaviours, my empathy started playing me and I started to better enjoy this book.

Some reviews talk about this having less smut and while this is true, it's also very fitting of the characters. The FMC has a hella traumatic past when it comes to sex and the MMC has a traumatic past when it comes to accepting mates and how they could change his life.

One of the things I'm surprisingly coming to appreciate about this series by Dixon, is how each book perfectly captures the mental health of its characters and the trauma they bring to the table. This was a perfect example of that. And although the FMC has been wanting a mate and a family of her own for forever, she had to work through her trauma before truly being able to accept that she deserves happiness.

Like I've said before on a different Dixon book, this author continues to surprise me because her writing is more than the smut she presents. She's actually really good at diving into the heart of her characters.

Will happily read the next book!

___

63. Fallen Too Far by Abbi Glines--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Re-read February 2024

Ah, the craving to re-read this hit me again. I'm just such putty for this book series. It's so cheesy and the romance is so problematic, but there's just something about her being the epitome of the "not like other girls" trope and he is so clearly also the epitome of the "bad boy player with a heart of gold that likes to control everything" that I just can't not read this book every so often.

If I had known back when I first read this that this would be a tried and true re-read for me every few years to almost every year, then I would have laughed hysterically. I don't know what it is about this series and why THIS series in particular is the one I am destined to re-read as if it were the first time for the rest of eternity, but it is like chocolate covered popcorn--it's delicious, but there's hard bits I will always ignore for the pleasure of the overall taste.

Anyway, if you pick this up, be aware that it was written in like 2012 or something, so that should say more than enough because romance in the early 2010s was....something.

___

64. Never Too Far by Abbi Glines--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Re-read February 2024

I think this one is where my love for the "surprise pregnancy" trope comes from, which I know is a very divisive trope. But I will always be a sucker for how the characters react to the pregnancy in this and how it changes everything but...doesn't? I think I also just really like the "woe is me" feeling that I get when I read certain scenes.

Listen, I know that if the MMC did half the things he does in this book in real life he would be someone I'd avoid like the plague, but because this is a (problematic) piece of fiction that I have accepted as one with many flaws, I will continue to read this addicting mess until the end of time.

I don't know, maybe it's the blond, big-boobed, blue-eye, thin FMC, or the hotter than sin MMC, but this series has its claws in me. LOL.

___

65. Forever Too Far by Abbi Glines--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Re-read February 2024

Ah yes, the clusterfuckiest of all the clusterfucks of this series. I love the drama of this series so much. It's one red flag after another and it is so ridiculous, but I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT AND WILL DEFINITELY BE READING IT AGAIN NEXT YEAR.

So many reveals, so many fun times. I laughed so hard when a certain song is read aloud in the audiobook and the narrator says "this song is available to purchase on ITUNES." I howled.

Past the cringe, the revelations, Rush finally growing a backbone, and the reveal of the next book, I will forever fall too far for this series. There, I said it.

___

66. Canadian Boyfriend by Jenny Holiday--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I actually quite enjoyed CANADIAN BOYFRIEND, more than I thought I would. I didn't know what to expect and so I just assumed it would be a smutty rom-com of a read, but we all know what they say about people who assume.

First of all, if you're coming into this book for the smut, you're not going to get it. This is a closed-door romance that starts with friendship and ends under the sheets. And while I enjoyed their progression and growth as characters dealing with their own versions of trauma, I do wish we would have gotten steamy scenes to offset the heaviness of the plot. But I know, sex isn't everything.

I loved the father/daughter relationship between the MMC and his daughter. Grief is messy and when you're the surviving parent, it can be even messier. Being a kid who had to grow up with this type of grief, I know that fear of losing that remaining parent, so I empathized a lot with this kid--even if she came off bratty, there was usually a reason behind it.

I did enjoy how Holiday treated that reveal at the end and how emotionally mature the two characters were coming off of it. I liked that it wasn't made into a bigger thing than it was and that it was a perfect example of how the two characters have grown as people.

What I wasn't a big fan of were some of the smaller details--like the constant use of the MMC's full name. That felt weird--kind of the antithesis of the FMC telling the MMC that his fame doesn't matter to her. Every time she used his full name, it was like she was talking about this celebrity she couldn't believe was in her life. It's kind of how we usually use the full name of a celebrity instead of just saying their first name. It kept this weird distance between the MMC and the FMC and I don't know if this was intentional, but it felt a bit off-putting and admittedly very annoying.

But yeah, for the most part, I did really enjoy CANADIAN BOYFRIEND, more than I thought I would!

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67. My Love Mix-Up! Vol. 2 by Wataru Hinekure, Aruko, and Jan Cash--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

This volume starts to show how this romance is going to get more complicated and how some of the characters might react to the central love story.

I loved seeing some of the character development and the support that other characters offered. I'm also just incredibly excited to get further into this series--especially knowing that I have all of the volumes waiting for me on my bookshelf.

I do find the MC to be incredibly dramatic and I actually love that. It's like the perfect contrast to the other MC's aloofness when it comes to love.

I can't wait to see this love story develop!

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68. The Titan's Bride Vol. 3 by ITKZ--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I really liked the way this volume was done--specifically how it felt like a slice of life manga until the obvious fantasy aspects were introduced. Also, this one was definitely more about that spicy life, but I did enjoy how the author explored some of the complexities of relationships once the honeymoon stage is done.

I read these three books too quickly and now I must wait for volume 4. Sigh.

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69. Heroes by Alan Gratz--⭐️⭐️⭐️

HEROES wasn't my favourite Gratz novel, but I think a lot of younger readers are going to love the nonstop adventure and action, and heavy dose of history. These two boys somehow survive through fiery danger and deal with some heavy emotions along the way.

While this is historical fiction, I think that the MC could be a relatable character to young readers today because of his anxiety and his reluctance to do anything outside of his comfort zone/safe zone.

I do wish there was a bit more of character build up, so some of the moments were more impactful, but I think that just me wishing to get he REFUGEE emotional experience again.

Wasn't the biggest fan of the author's note, but well.

Will probably continue to read his books because they are super entertaining!

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70. The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena by R.L. Stine--⭐️⭐️

While some parts of this book were entertaining, the title of this book is a bit of a catfish. Yes, we do get some parts of this abominable snowman in Pasadena, but it's primarily set in Alaska. Which, okay, that's a whole other issue. What parent lets their preteen children roam around a place where polar bears roam? Or where said kids could also get lost because they literally have no idea where they are?

It takes parenting fails to a whole other level and as an adult, I heavily have to suspend my disbelief.

I don't know what I was expecting, considering so many of the past books have been meh, but this was...an experience lol.

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71. Skater Boy by Anthony Nerada--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I love a great story that features a heavily misunderstood MC who is drowning in an identity he created for himself that isn't actually him. Wes's level of character growth in SKATER BOY makes this such an enjoyable read. I wanted to know what would come next in his ever-changing life and Nerada delivered.

I think of the great things about this book is that the MC isn't the only one who has the chance to grow as a character. Everyone around him is given the chance to grow and find their true selves. In a way, this whole was a redemptive arc for everyone in the MC's life. And I absolutely adored that because it made all of the characters feel bigger than their background or side roles.

At the beginning of the story, the author's note comments on how he didn't want to make this book about Wes's coming out and I can kind of see that. While yes, him being in the closet and contemplating the dangers and troubles of coming out are a big part of the story, this is more a story about a teenage boy finding his way in a world determined to make a certain role for him.

I loved his mom and their relationship, I loved the self-realizations, and I loved the flawed friendships and relationship. I just really enjoyed this book. It left me feeling so content by the end, to the point where I couldn't immediately start another book right after. I needed a brief break to fully bask in the joys of Nerada's writing.

Will definitely read more from him!

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72. That Time I Got Drunk and Yeeted a Love Potion at a Werewolf by Kimberly Lemming--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Just like the first book, THAT TIME I GOT DRUNK AND YEETED A LOVE POTION AT A WEREWOLF was a hilarious, sexy, and adventurous romp. I had so much fun reading this book and found myself laughing at least once every chapter. I never knew I needed a series like this one in my life until I finally dived in. I seriously can't wait for the third book to get to me (I pre-ordered these gorgeous covers).

I loved the FMC because she was very relatable in the sense of having the insecurities and thinking that failed past relationships were indicative of what her future with love would be like. I love that she was paired up with the MMC because he was able to give her the love she thought she would never get. And listen, not just the love but wow, the spicy smut was also something I think she very much deserved.

I enjoyed being able to see other characters from the first book and how they all interacted. The way they all work off each other is great comedic work and their dialogue? LOL please, this was so good.

Also, here's a gif without context but that those who've read this book would understand:

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73. Without You by Marley Valentine--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

One of the things I loved about WITHOUT YOU is how the toxic relationship with one of the parents is handled. I loved it so much that I'm starting this review with this instead of some random introduction. So many times I see stories with toxic parents who somehow find some sort of redemption and it's like nothing ever happened, but from the beginning I already knew this would go differently.

The two MCs find themselves drawn to each other a year after their mutual loss of someone very important in their lives. And while their love COULD be seen as somewhat taboo, I think it was a natural thing because the tension was there even before their connection happened. I DID find that said connection progressed a little too quickly for my taste, but I appreciated the healing it offered both characters.

This was a relatively quick read with some pretty great introspection, conversations about grief, the complicated relationships between parents and their children (especially the more toxic relationships), survivor's guilt, and mental health.

While some parts may have felt more surface level, this book overall dealt with so many important topics that the quick relationships could easily be overlooked. Definitely a great and admittedly sexy read.

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74. Barbarian's Touch by Ruby Dixon--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I mentioned in my last review that Dixon writes stories that may seem, on the surface, as silly little romances, but secretly, they've got heart and they tackle some pretty important topics. BARBARIAN'S TOUCH isn't any different, since it touches on a disability and I loved how Dixon weaved that so seamlessly into the story.

The FMC is deaf and she herself goes through a process of loving herself for who she is, no matter the expectations others might have of her. I loved how she stood up for herself and how she fought to have a level of communication between her and her mate. I also enjoyed that of all of the girls, she was the one who was most empathetic because she was so new to the world she now inhabits. Of all the girls, I think she's one of my favourites because of her ability to stand up for herself, and her self-confidence in a new place and situation.

The MMC is a sweetheart in this and his empathy for his mate is something that would make me blush in real life. These alien men are better than most human men I've encountered. (Of course, they HAD to be written by a woman.) I also thought his physic-like abilities were pretty cool.

One of the things that really bugged me was the FMC's response to finding out about the resonance. I can understand the reaction, but I was still frustrated. Also, this is one of the longer books in the series, so it read a bit like a slowburn (which I was a fan of, but I know a lot of people who read this series for the smut might have to wait a bit for these two couples to get it on.)

I think that as Dixon wrote this series, she really grew as an author and the relationships became more than just a romp in the sheets. Her characters have continuously taken on more dimension and I'm excited to see what else she does.

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75. When We Were Lost by Kevin Wignall--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I've had WHEN WE WERE LOST on my ARC bookshelves for years. I remember picking it up at the event I found it at and thinking "this sounds exactly like the kind of book I would love to read." Five years later, I was super correct and so happy that it lived up to my expectations.

I spent all day yesterday finishing this book and stayed up until four in the morning reading BECAUSE I COULDN'T PUT IT DOWN. I'm such a sucker for survival stories, especially when the MC is no-nonsense about it and doesn't give into the teenage dramas happening around him. That being said, he felt more like an adult in a pool of teenagers.

I loved the adventure of their survival and not knowing who would make it to the end. I will admit that it was very coincidental (some of the kids that survived the crash were the perfect people to survive with) and the MC has the most luck I've ever seen, especially considering how his parents died. But honestly, I loved that.

I do wish one of the characters had gotten the karma he deserved, but it's fine lol.

I'm glad I finally read this and hope to find another survival book one day in the near future!

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Have you read any of these titles? Would you recommend them?

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Happy reading!

[zooophagous]

Strauss reclined with his arm behind his head and idly thumbed through his latest book. "Into Thin Air," a harrowing true story about an adventure on Mt. Everest gone awry. It was a depressing story, though it did make him wonder about the exploits of vampire explorers. Surely someone with incredible strength, a resistance to cold and a disregard for such petty frivolities such as "oxygen" could make a very accomplished mountain climber. Maybe he'd try it. If he was ever able to spend more than a month without ending up in the hospital wing.

His body's healing was markedly faster now, now with a real ration in his belly every evening. But it was still too slow for his racing mind. He had to do... something. Train to fight. Learn to use a weapon. Do drills with security. He had no idea where to start, just that he had to, somewhere.

He was distracted from his dark thoughts by a weight at the foot of the bed.

"Artemis. Didn't see you come in."

"I have something you might think is cool." She grinned, and handed him a little folder.

He took the folder and flipped it open, displaying a series of numbered and dated diagrams and photos. There was a line on a graph, a "heartbeat monitor." The little line peaked and valleyed and waved like a poor drawing on an Etch-A-Sketch.

"Is this an EKG reading? Whoever this is must be quite dead."

"You're right. Because that's your EKG." She smirked.

"You don't say? I didn't think my heart moved at all, shouldn't it be a flatline?"

"You'd think, right? Turns out vampire's hearts DO have activity, just not steady productive beating. It's sporadic with long periods of stillness in between. It almost moves like it has a mind of its own."

"Yes, like a little animal that writhes in its nest when something bothers it."

"You don't feel it when it moves?"

"I suppose I always chalked it up to just being hungry. Speaking of which..."

He bared his fangs at her and licked his lips. "I believe it is about time for my feeding?"

"Looks like it is. You taking your new diet well? It's a pretty big change."

"Yes. I have more energy and I even feel more bold. I look forward to increasing my physical activity, when my leg surgery has healed."

"Glad to hear it. I was wondering if you'd get sick from over eating but maybe you just needed to actually kickstart your normal appetite again. I'll go grab it, don't go anywhere."

She was teasing him. He looked down at his leg, which had been cut open and the femur inside crudely pinned back together and the skin re-stitched to encourage a quicker resolution. He didn't even want to walk on it now.

"I'll be right here."

She stepped out, he went back to his book. Soon however, he set it down and went back to the folder. There was an MRI in here, allowing him to view his own heart. It didn't much look like a human heart any more. At least, it had a few key new parts he didn't have the names for. It unnerved him to look at it. He was sure now that he could feel it moving- trying to beat but unable to remember how. Or maybe there was just too much in the way for it to beat anymore. He rubbed his chest uncomfortably and tossed the folder aside. It wasn't right for a doctor to feel like this looking at an anatomy chart.

"Artemis, are you back yet?" He called out quietly. She had stepped to the room over but there was no answer from the hall. He needed a distraction. She'd been gone how long now?

He began to grow impatient.

"Artemis? What is delaying my dinner?"

He sat up and looked out the door as far as he could.

"Oh relax, it's right here." She stepped in, looking queasy.

"Do you want company for dinner?" She gave him a thin smile.

"Are you alright?" He raised an eyebrow. "You seem a bit off."

"Oh, no I'm fine. I just have low blood pressure."

She stepped towards the bed, and her body fell limp. Her legs crumpled beneath her. She dangled halfway off the floor. Strauss caught her by the arm, before she could land on the hard waxed hospital floor on her head.

He dragged her up onto the cot. "Artemis! Frau Van Helsing!"

She was breathing, she had a pulse. Good signs.

"Frau Van Helsing you cannot die here, I will be blamed for it, and I do not want Frau Harker to shoot me."

"What?" She blinked awake and flushed bright red, realizing she'd apparently landed in bed with her patient.

"What is right. Are you ill?"

"No, I... heh. I must have given too much blood." She smiled weakly.

"Too much blood... how much have you been  giving me?"

"Oh, I gave a half unit last week, and another half this week, and a half today-"

"Artemis, are you telling me you've been the one giving me almost all of my food for the past two weeks?"

"Well, I didn't think it was that big of a-"

"You of all people should know that you cannot do that." He dragged his hand down his face in exasperation.

"I wanted to. You're my responsibility. A-and you're also my friend."

"I have lots of friends, Artemis. I do not need, or want, you to suffer for me."

"I'm not suffering, chill."

"Yes you are. I'm doing this because I want to help you, if I drain you dry myself I may as well have just let Sylvain kill my friends for all the good I've done."

"You sounds like Auntie."

"Eugh... auntie is... CORRECT." He said with an exaggerated gag."I understand the urge to shoulder all of the responsibility yourself. However, I am very swiftly realizing, you cannot. I cannot. Nobody can. For the project symbiosis to work, it must be truly that. Symbiosis. I want to keep the 'Eu' in 'Eusocial.' I am not a parasite."

"Ok, ok, you win." She sighed and scooted to the edge of the bed to sit. "I think I might need to eat more red meat if I'm going to help with this anyway."

"Don't let Troy hear you say so. Speaking of, how is he?"

"Oh, you know. Depressed about his boyfriend. Scared of Sylvain. Doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything."

"I wish I was not bedridden. I should like to lift his spirits. I miss him when he is like this."

"You're telling me. We need some comic relief in here."

"I should like for him to join me in some form of self defense classes. He is the second strongest among us, and he would be an asset with some training."

"I don't know if auntie really cares to start training you guys to kill. She sort of already thinks you're dangerous enough."

"Not to kill. To avoid being killed. I feel fear too, you know. I do not relish the idea of my own destruction."

"I can ask. Oh, hey. Here." She handed him the cup from her pocket containing a gulp of hot blood.

"Eat your dinner."

"We just had an entire discussion about me feeding from you too much."

"What am I going to do, put it back? If I'm going to do too much for you, just don't let it go to waste."

He nodded and accepted the cup from her hands.

"I won't waste your kindness. Danke."