#re: tl

[mayasaura]

I don't wanna further hijack that poor poll, but the thing about Harrow's schizophrenia is that it's canon. The author has confirmed it, and shared that it's based on her own experience.

It's a pretty obscure bit of canon, so of course there's no shame in not already knowing, but that's why I'm so obnoxiously persistent about letting people know.

Whatever else is up with Harrow, autism or cptsd or any number of likely headcanons, she is also schizophrenic. I feel like that's too important to be handwaved away as a difference of opinion.

[ayushipop]

this too is yuri

[paintpanic]

Kirbtober Day 24: AU

[In which Panic posts art for her AU which she's never explained before.]

[cccafe]

好きな教科は給食です [re-ment]

[see-arcane]

Shout out to @re-dracula and specifically Felix Trench for today’s entry. I haven’t run across any other Renfield whose immediate introduction was so placid and full of erudite implication. It helps that he’s reading directly from the actual book and so can’t feasibly be forced through the lens of Raving Kooky Madman that scads of adaptations have jumped to. He sells being wholly rational in just that one line. More, he rightly sounds a bit like someone trying to soothe a huffy landlord.*

*Which deserves an equal kudos to Jonathan Sims dipping subtly back into the ‘me, an intellectual,’ tone for Dr. Seward

[fivekrystalpetals]

actually, Fyodor saying that--

surprised, not by the flooding, but by the fact that Dazai and his 7-year partner's bond was so shallow that Dazai think Chuuya's ability cannot deal with that flood // @/popopretty

--is surprising to me because Chuuya didn't really do... much for them to escape.

You see, this wasn't an incorrect fact:

Dazai is right, the walls are anti-ability and we see this in action too: (this most probably was a part of Fyodor's plan to throw Dazai off-guard and make him think that his plan was working)

Yes, Chuuya's ability doesn't work on the walls. Dazai didn't underestimate him or his ability. He looked at the facts and gave his opinions. (That's why I think his words in BSD 101 were also true, he must have really believed that Chuuya was going to drown because he had no way of knowing that Fyodor was gonna pick him for a pawn)

Getting Chuuya to break the threshold between every door was Fyodor's idea.

And it doesn't even seem like a big deal to break the threshold; it hardly took the power of a finger for Chuuya. (and no more than a slight dent in the floor should be enough for the water to flow out)

So.... why is he talking about their trust and bond and all if not to simply rile up Dazai?? It's Fyodor that Dazai should have kept an eye on (and still needs to) because once again, this conjurer is misdirecting his attention to his 'stronger' assistant here while the actual trick was all Fyodor's.

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

every time i see someone claim the ancients were a magical indigenous utopia to aspire to (with 'a few little problems'), and any criticism of them as a society is apologia for native genocide, i clutch my head in agony. never change, twitter

[brightsstar]

Sleepy Clips bois

I wanted to attempt some kind of cuddle pile of sorts-

Dusk is kinda like a weighted blanket for Eclipse. Helps him not get nightmares. Nova just likes to be close.

[familyabolisher]

i'm pretty sure i only got "good" or competent or whatever at essay-writing once i stopped having to write essays which would get me a passing mark in an undergrad degree

[thenon-fictiondays]

Hirano to Kagiura light novel translation 2-4

Chapter 2: Summer preparations.

Part 4

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Basketball club practice is held inside the gym for the most part, but they use the outdoor space for warm-up runs.

They can hear the wind instruments club tuning and practicing marches, and it feels like they have their own personal pep band.

Although they keep hydrated, warm sweat flows freely.

While squinting against the blazing sunlight, Kagiura thinks of Hirano’s bright blonde hair.

Dyed blonde despite his position in the student council, Hirano’s hair is unfortunately quite damaged. It suits him so well, though.

And the small earrings that normally adorn his earlobes are as of yet still missing in action.

Although it’s already been a week, Hirano seems unconcerned; as such, Kagiura is the more worried of the two.

If the piercings are healthy, they won’t easily close up, but they’re still technically wounds, so they’ll undoubtedly shrink if left unattended.

Hirano had told him they’re his first piercings, so Kagiura had asked “shouldn’t you hurry up and put something in them?”, to which Hirano had replied, “If I took them out at the same time, I should find them sooner or later”, and seemed content to leave well enough alone.

While he took shelter in the gym, mopping his sweaty face with the towel hanging around his neck, Kagiura thought about what color earrings would look good on Hirano.

His image of Hirano’s personal clothing is vague, since he only sees him in loungewear.

He would be able to see them on the weekend, but Kagiura’s days off are dedicated to club activities, so his chances to see him are few and far between.

At school, when he’s wearing his uniform, most of the time they don’t end up running into each other. In the mornings, Hirano wakes up first and even wakes Kagiura up, but even Hirano wouldn’t wear his uniform that early in the morning.

He returns to the dorm earlier than Kagiura, and by the time Kagiura gets home, he has long since changed into loungewear.

That’s why going the traditional route of choosing ones that will easily coordinate with his usual clothing is easier said than done.

Besides, we don’t have any free time before summer vacation to go buy some together.

So what is he supposed to do?

Kagiura tried to figure out where to go from there, but before long, the rest of the club members finished their run and foundational practice began.

If your head is in the clouds, it won’t be long before you get injured.

He had taken that concept to heart, so it only took a moment for him to switch gears and focus on practice.

It’s strange; when he gets in the zone, he doesn’t even care about getting sweaty. He can’t even tell if the wind instrument club’s performance is still audible from outside, through the gym doors that are closed to conserve their pathetically weak air conditioning.

The application review for the plan selection qualifiers went by without a hitch, and they passed through the second round of judging immediately afterwards with flying colors.

Niibashi is doing just as well as anticipated—in fact, he is going above and beyond. The presentation he gives with a smile brimming with confidence is overwhelmingly effective, and his preparation is immaculate.

They deliberately address the open question of food safety measures, and are now at the stage where they’ll probably be able to get a space in the courtyard or somewhere else that can accommodate their customers.

They were able to get through the research in just a few days thanks to their 2nd and 3rd year acquaintances, so they’re grateful. 

Normally, upperclassmen make good use of their past experiences and prepare for the cultural festival ahead of time. That’s why it’s difficult for ill-prepared first years to win real estate in the courtyard, or so they’re told, but they faced their audition with such flawlessness that it was hard to believe they had completed it in such a rush.

Niibashi is excessively skilled at networking, so their stock of materials piles up with the help of other classes, and just like that Kagiura and the other two assistants take a back seat.

In contrast to the energy of the executive committees from the other classes with passionate appeals, the student council, who are in charge of the judging, are, to put it nicely, relaxed.

To put it not so nicely, their reactions are deadpanned, by which Kagiura was caught off guard.

One would think that the student council at a school where independence is so highly valued would be filled with the type of people who like planning things, but the student council president, Touou, seems to be the high-strung type.

As expected from someone who serves as the student council president as a second year, he’s used to directing others, and he even has a certain dignity about him as he subjects each proposal to a barrage of questions from on high, yet he doesn’t seem to enjoy doing so.

There was one other thing that was unexpected.

Which is that, the sometimes excessive amounts of nitpicking by the latter notwithstanding, Niibashi is actively involved with Touou.

I wonder if they’re good friends? Kagiura wonders, but he wouldn’t want to put a damper on them when they seemed to be enjoying themselves, so he bites his tongue.

*****

It isn’t long before summer vacation, so there were only morning classes today.

The gym is undergoing inspections and can’t be used, and the advisors are absent for training, so the coaches are also taking the day off, which means the basketball club isn’t meeting today.

That’s just fine by them, as it gives the first year club members the chance to go to a sports shop to purchase new shoes, which Kagiura, as a veteran, is happy to give recommendations for.

This shop is familiar with their school placing orders for uniforms, and they’re glad that the proprietor memorizes their faces and supports them even though they’re still just first years. Apparently he’s even come to see their practice matches.

His heart bounces on his way home, thinking he’ll ask Hirano about it too.

Despite eating lunch and going shopping, he still gets back much earlier than usual, and it’s not yet 3 o’clock. Even if he does his homework, time is just crawling by today.

“I’m home!”

There’s no response to his statement as he swings the door open.

“Huh…?”

Inside, Hirano’s bag is missing, as if he hasn’t come home yet.

Maybe he’s at a committee meeting, he thinks while he spreads a sheet out on the floor and begins tending to his club equipment.

After more or less cleaning up, he starts on his homework, imitating the self-study techniques Hirano had taught him.

If he could see this, would he be surprised?

But, contrary to his expectations, even when dusk falls there’s no sign of Hirano coming back.

Starting to get antsy, he opens the door to their room open halfway, but Hanzawa comes by and shuts it, saying “if you leave the door hanging open, it’ll be in the way!”

He’s on the same committee, which means it’s not a late-running meeting that’s holding Hirano up.

“Hanzawa-san, Hirano-san isn’t back yet—did he tell you he had something to take care of, or something?”

“Hm. I have no idea. Well, you’re not a child, so you’ll be fine. That aside, aren’t you going to go for dinner? I’m heading there now.”

Just as he’s said, dinnertime has indeed started. Although there’s a large window when you can go, you can never be too early if you don’t want to impact your bathing time.

“.....I’m coming.”

I really, really hope nothing’s wrong.

Slightly troubled, Kagiura follows behind Hanzawa.

Apparently, Hirano returned to the dorms just before dinnertime ended.

He went straight to the dining hall without even dropping off his bag, and didn’t come back to the room until after the first years’ bath time had started.

They kept just missing each other, and could say no more than passing greetings, but Hirano seemed to be in a bit of a bad mood.

He has always been the kind of person to speak brusquely, but it is rare for him to be so blatantly terse. I want to ask him about it, but would that be okay? What if it’s something serious that he can’t talk to me about?

He has a completely different set of problems from his comrade, because the depth of their lives are different by one year, a difference he can sense each and every day.

If Hirano has a problem he can’t resolve, there’s probably nothing Kagiura can do to help. If he asks him if anything happened, it might just make him even more upset.

But—he can’t just do nothing. That is the conclusion Kagiura came to.

While wondering how best to broach the subject, Kagiura leaves the bath, and hurries back to the room.

When he knocks lightly on the door and says “I’m back from the baths,” Hirano replies “yeah, welcome back,” in a lower tone than usual.

Hirano sits at his desk, the look in his eyes predictably sharp.

“What happened today?” Kagiura asks, although for a moment he almost folds under the pressure of that gaze.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You came home late today, Hirano-san. And it doesn’t seem like it was because of a committee meeting.”

“Oh…sorry. Did I worry you?”

“Yes. I was really worried.”

That’s right, he’s worried. He only realized it when Hirano said it.

The feeling of uneasiness that had been plaguing him all afternoon was an awful lot like the loneliness of being left home alone as a child.

Like the feelings he’d had when it seemed like he’d be swallowed up by the swirling anxiety at the thought that something must be something wrong with his parents, or something terrible had happened to his siblings, for them to not come home like this.

“I see. …..It’s not exactly a cheery story, though.”

“That’s okay.”

“There was a fight—or rather an incident of violence—at the school today. It was one-sided; the guys were playing dirty.”

A kouhai from the committee tried to get them to stop, but Hirano’s friend held him back, stepping in in his place, and sustained injuries.

Apparently the reason Hirano had been late is that after asking about the incident from his friend in the committee room, and then hearing what the first year victim and his kouhai had to say about it, he’d been discussing it with the committee advisor.

Hanzawa hadn’t known about it because the advisor had stopped Hirano from calling him back from the dorm even though he was the vice chairman.

“Do you not know who did it? I’m sure they’d be suspended or something…”

“The guy who stepped in to stop it isn’t that great at fighting, so the culprits were able to get away. He knew that they’re first years, but it’ll be summer break soon, so I don’t really know what’ll happen. …He won’t even tell me all the details, either. He probably thinks it’d be lame to snitch or something.”

The longer he talks, the more it seems like he’s just going off on his friend. But rather than being angry at him, it seems more like there’s something else spurring him on. Regret, perhaps, or frustration.

Imagining the pain of someone he’s supposed to be close with refusing to talk to him, Kagiura gently reaches out his hand.

He strokes that beautiful blonde hair.

Although their usual roles are reversed, this is essentially what Hirano always does for him.

Listening to him talk, comforting him, encouraging him. Hirano does it more skillfully, but for Kagiura as he is now, he doesn’t have the words to nurse his indignation.

As he smoothes down his hair, Hirano’s eyes go wide.

“.....What.”

“I thought if I did this maybe you’d calm down.”

“.....”

Letting out a small huff, Hirano murmurs, “you’re right.” The tension slowly drains from his face..

He makes such soft expressions.

Now it’s Kagiura’s turn to be surprised. Hirano’s just like a cat that’s warmed up to him.

“Hey. How long do you plan on rubbing my head?”

No sooner had he spoken than Kagiura pulled his hand back, but even after Hirano leaves for the baths, Kagiura flops onto his bed and ponders how comfortable it felt to stroke that blonde hair.

Twenty minutes later, Hirano returns from the bath, having washed away his sweat and his air of gloom.

Having sat at his desk and pulled out a map of the school, he says, “I’ll do what I can to get this taken care of before summer break,” his usual vigor restored. He’s not sulking at all. He’s back to his normal self.

When Kagiura asks about it upon his return from the bath, Hirano tells him that after discussing with Hanzawa, they’d decided on a plan of action moving forward. It seems the best thing to do is to check out the vicinity the perpetrators had been walking in, and ask the clubs and groups that use that area at the time of the incident for eyewitness statements to try to deduce the culprits.

Putting out a notice aimed at students in clubs seemed unlikely to succeed, but the thought was that if anyone had been acting strangely after the fight, someone might’ve noticed.

After that, with not only Hanzawa but the collective force of the whole disciplinary committee to gather intel and the support of the faculty advisor, they were able to suss out the culprits before summer break.

The school decided to take disciplinary action against them, due to their maliciousness and the fact that there was a second assault.

Just as Hirano had declared, it was just in time for summer break.

Upon returning to his room after chatting with the club senpai who were also dorm students, Kagiura finds that Hirano had already finished getting ready for bed and turned off his desk lamp. It is unusual for him to try to go to sleep early without studying or reading.

Kagiura follows his lead and softly crawls into bed.

Normal classes end tomorrow. The day after that is the closing ceremony.

The basketball club has practice for the weekend practice matches, so Kagiura won’t have the chance to see Hirano, who’s going home immediately, until the new semester.

As his awareness of this fact sinks in, so does his loneliness.

He didn’t sign up for the mock exam, but his week is full of morning make-up classes, so there’s just no way to swing it.

I never thought I’d come to feel like this.

He’s become fond of that flashy personality that caught him off guard at first.

But that was really just the beginning. Things like moving his slippers out of the way for him, eating the peppers off his plate—he was touched by the kindness Hirano had shown him throughout those days.

Being with his side, more than he would’ve expected from living with someone who isn’t family, is comfortable.

“Hey, Hirano-san.”

“Hm?”

“You’re going home the day after the closing ceremony, huh?”

“Yeah, that’s the plan. You’re staying until next week, right? Practice matches and whatnot.”

“Yep. Besides, I also have supplementary lessons this week.”

“You’re actually gonna go? Good for you.”

To tell the truth, he’s actually a little unsure about that.

His grades aren’t exactly something to write home about, but he’d made a rebound at the end of the term, and managed not to get such crappy scores that he’d be forced to take the supplementary lessons.

If he can go, he probably should, but due to club activities he might be exempted.

After checking the prerequisites, he’d declared his plans to attend, because he foresaw putting it off until the end due to a combination of his own personality and being lulled into a false sense of security by the words “you don’t have to attend if you don’t want to”.

Up to now, he’s accepted his senpai’s help, and so far hasn’t let him down…within reason.

“Because it looks like they’ll even be able to teach me how to do the homework we got assigned for summer break. You’ve never been called to attend, have you?”

“Nope, because I take school seriously.”

“Speak for yourself…”

“Haha. You take it seriously too, I bet, and you’ll keep it up in the second semester.”

“Right. …..Um, Hirano-san.”

It’s not as if he’s about to say something weird, but his heart thuds against his chest, and for no real reason, his fists clench atop the bed.

“Hirano-san, do you have any plans for summer break yet? Like around the end of July, or the beginning of August.”

His voice is hesitant, as if he’d confessed to doing something bad.

“Nothing set in stone. Why?”

“What do you think about coming with me to the countryside?”

“Hm? You mean…me tagging along when you go visit your family?”

His questioning reply is slow and tinged with sleepiness.

He hasn’t said no yet, so Kagiura remains hopeful.

“Yeah.”

“.....Your place isn’t really that far in the countryside, is it?”

Hirano’s and Kagiura’s homes are in the same prefecture, and furthermore, they’re right above a transit station. Ignoring the distance between the station and their houses, their respective stations are a 30 minute ride from each other. They’re both familiar with the area.

“Not there, to my grandparents’ house…is that not gonna work out? It’s a huge house and there’s a ton of rooms, so it won’t be cramped, and every year my relatives end up bringing other people anyway, so you wouldn’t be out of place or anything.”

The words had spilled out of his mouth unchecked, but what he said is true. His cousins in university bring along their circle of friends, and more distant relatives with small children come to stay with someone who has a close connection with the main family, so during summer break his grandfather’s house hosts a wide variety of guests.

“.....What days are you going, Kagi-kun?”

“I’m taking the night bus on the 30th, arriving on the 31st, then I’m thinking I’ll stay two or three days and take the night bus back home.”

Up until last year, he’s come with his immediate family, so they’ve usually stayed a bit longer. But for Hirano to come along, he figures this span of time is an easier ask.

He doesn’t want to push back the dates if it can be helped.

There’s a reason it must be this timing.

If Hirano has a prior commitment with this timing in mind, Kagiura will have to give up, but—

“If your relatives give permission, it’s fine by me. I don’t have summer classes around then.”

At the readily given agreement, Kagiura quickly sits up. His phone is charging on his desk.

“Hey, you’re not trying to call them right now, are you?”

“Whaaat, I can’t?”

“You definitely can’t. Do it tomorrow. Look at the clock; it’s almost time for lights out. We’re not allowed to use phones or other devices now.”

Because Hirano himself doesn’t usually follow this policy to the letter, Kagiura immediately understands that cutting off their device time is for Kagiura’s sake.

That sort of thing is what makes him such a good person.

“Fiiine. …Good night, Hirano-san.”

“Yeah. ‘Night, Kagi-kun.”

With the click of the switch being flipped, all the lights shut off.

As the room falls to darkness, the waves of unbelievable nervousness and elation begin to ebb, and before long Kagiura falls asleep.

*****

On the first night of summer vacation, for the first time since he’d started school, Kagiura greeted the night alone.

The two-person room is spacious for one person by himself.

Thanks to the departed Hirano, who’d cleaned thoroughly while Kagiura was at school, even the air in the room had seemed different when he opened the door.

In fact, just by Hirano, who is always there before him, being gone, it feels like everything from the atmosphere to the scent of the room has changed.

Homes are living things, so without people living there they fall apart, or so Kagiura has heard.

He is also hoping that with the number of guests increasing during summer break, that countryside house with many extra rooms will become lively, just as his grandfather said.

Up until now, he hadn’t had words to put to the feeling, but now it feels like he understands what it means to start your own family after leaving your parents’ home.

It just doesn’t feel right if someone isn’t here.

And being with someone is better than being alone.

*****

After talking to his parents and grandfather, Kagiura was given permission to bring his senpai from school home without any issues.

He has yet to tell Hirano anything more than that, but it seems like today they’ll have the opportunity to talk about it.

That night, during the time when phone calls are allowed in the dorm, Kagiura tries bringing up the topic while talking with Hirano.

“By the way, Hirano-san. My relatives said that since you’re my dorm roommate and I’ve probably gotten used to you, it’d be fine for you to stay a week or even two.”

“That’s way too long. And what does ‘used to me’ even mean?”

“I don’t know, either. …..As a matter of fact, we do have guests that stay around a week.”

“I’m grateful to your relatives, but that’s a long time.”

Hirano’s voice as he stifles a laugh is lower over the phone than his natural voice. The husky sound jumps a bit; it’s the first time Kagiura’s heard this voice.

“Are you busy with summer prep courses?”

“Well, I’m finished for tonight, so not really. What about you? Doing okay?”

“Club is going really well, of course. I want to go swimming since it’s so hot, though.”

“Not that, your supplementary classes. You’re going to them and doing the assignments properly, right?”

“I’m doing them. …..There’s a range of topics designated for each day, so I’d be in trouble if I didn’t do them.”

The teacher in charge of the supplementary classes claimed that the majority of students who say they “can’t study” are simply not in the habit of sitting at their desks, rather than having a large difference in their basic academic ability.

He’s not entirely wrong, Kagiura concedes. Because, after all, every time he sits at his desk, he finds himself watching Hirano’s back as he studies or after he’s finished his homework.

If he hadn’t been observing Hirano’s day-to-day life, he probably would’ve said something like “we’re just built different” and not thought anything of it, but thanks to Hirano, he can see the difference between himself and someone who continually puts in effort each day.

“That’s for the best when you’re in your first year. You’ll get more points by reviewing the material from the first semester than by choosing units based on trend.”

Due to the large difference in their characters, Kagiura is skeptical of the theory that if he seriously worked hard, his scores would rise accordingly, but Hirano, who is always studying much more difficult subjects than Kagiura, is sparing him some effort. He has no choice but to do it.

“.....Yeah. I’ll do my best. But, you know…” Although his voice is already subdued so as not to carry into the hallway, Kagiura drops his voice even lower.

“But, what?”

“Our room feels kind of empty when you’re not here.”

When the little huff of laughter reaches his ears, he closes his eyes, unable to stand the way it tickles as if the breath had brushed him directly.

“You must be getting tired. Go to sleep already.”

He wants to protest that he’s not at the age when sleepiness makes him needy, but just as Hirano pointed out, exhaustion is beginning to weigh on him.

I want to fall asleep just like this, without hanging up.

Even though he knows that’s impossible, he almost blurted it out.

I want to see him soon.

*****

T/N: (1) The phrase here is actually 親の実家, but this concept doesn't really translate well into English, so I figured grandparents' house conveyed the meaning best. Basically, in traditional families, the 実家 (true home) is the main house (think Akito's house in Fruits Basket) where the grandparents still live and the extended family gathers for events. This tells us 2 things: 1, that Kagiura's family's probably loaded, and 2, they're traditional, so if he and Hirano ever actually start dating (lol), we can expect some juicy family drama

(2) Full disclosure, Kagi's super cheesy/romantic line at the end is more literally "When you're not here, this room is too big and too quiet". I was going back and forth about how to write it, because I'm a stickler for accuracy, but ultimately I think what I ended up putting conveys the wistfulness and longing a little better than transliterating it would

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This update brought to you by @jujupanic & @jeizet - thank you for supporting me 💖

[fantastic-nonsense]

Can I ask why you would say Poseidon or Hades for Helena? I’ve been thinking about this over and over since the new thing came out.

Honestly the real answer here is "I want Helena to be a Big Three child for the drama and because it does genuinely fit her, but she's pretty clearly not a Zeus kid so I need to figure out whether Poseidon or Hades fits her better."

The meta answer is that her general personality fits being a child of Poseidon more but her history and style of vigilantism fit being a child of Hades more. Because both godly parents would fit her, I'm focusing more on which one fits her better for the purposes of the fic.

The slightly more technical answer is that she's going to be a Hunter of Artemis in this AU, so it technically doesn't matter whether she's a demigod or a clear-sighted mortal who caught Artemis' eye, but I wanted her to be a demigod. However since she's a Hunter, I have a little more leeway in how I want to address her history, personality, skillset, and motivations in context of her godly parentage. Hence, the indecision.

Sorry I couldn't provide a really in-depth answer here like I've been able to for everyone else, but it's hard to give a proper explanation when I haven't thought deeply enough about that section to have quite figured it out yet.

[deus-ex-mona]

goodxnight guys~~~

[karmalelou]

Karma tl really was cooked up in a lab specifically for me. Like it's THE Lulusuza au. It's like they read my fics and said damn girl, this is good. Let's make it official.

[insecateur]

people who see a big fictional guy and are immediately like "i must top him" we are brethren

[unproduciblesmackdown]

among the boundless billions zaniness like laugh track as it definitely has that moment of expressing "rolling my eyes as The Left makes a kerfuffle of Acting like they have a stance as a veneer over the true belief that [xyz] is cool & chill actually" like what, approximate 0.000% chance wendy isn't, as usual, given the Objective Stance of "yeah yeah ohh we are cancelling involved parties talking about how we Don't watch this But. we all love this damn epic movie & already have it memorized so shut the fuck up, kids today" like. don't wanna really delve into how much billions thinks taylor or anyone is "really" trans / nonbinary like not too much benefit of the doubt in this material including what does provide info abt that specifically

& the general like [head in hands. what do you think any of this could possibly be about (you're the one that made your show at all about Power)] of "yes, it's bad/wrong to be someone that someone has done something to / victim of something" like that to be anti misogyny All Women Must Be Epic Winners b/c there's something to be proved: that they don't Deserve to be victims (of misogyny), not taken as a Given. while when we see some epic winner men stepping on other men (who need not all be guaranteed Winners so as to say misogyny is wrong), that's often Good, well beyond any assumption that various forms of basic disrespect / violation / patterns of emergent/entrenched power difference as Bad (for being things done to people, not for there being people they're being done to), & generally billions has to take an extra step when ppl get shitted on & tell us the Specific Cases when it was undeserved actually & someone was being mean to a specific person who didn't deserve that. & the specific cases when hey guess it wasn't that bad(tm) or when hey It's Okay that you're someone something was done to, in this case. & tell us what we were supposed to know all along like when someone who something was being done to (wrong Of Them, whether b/c they inherently deserve it no matter what, &/or b/c they failed to be someone who could make it Impossible to do anything to them, which, how do you do that besides being The Authority / Superior yourself, exactly? nonrhetorically? what if the in group vs out group / fascism / authoritarianism protected Me?) was actually being treated Too Well b/c ah well the abuse meant you were getting any attention, maybe it meant you were claimed as any superior's property, maybe it meant you weren't Already disposed of, as all Losers were in the end, You're Welcome.

obviously referring to winston where it's spelled out all the abuse towards him was deserved, & More than he deserved in the case of rian having more access & taking advantage of that, all for billions' enjoying its own sendoff there of, again, maximizing violation & violence short of [real violence is physical & leaves bruises / draws blood / Literally kills] which would be distasteful in general But doesn't it make wags look like the winner & winston the loser is that the former's completely unrelated completely impersonal ego blow gets way amplified taken out on winston, the most vulnerable recurring character when spyros as [first & ultimate Everyone Hates Him role] is more entrenched in there & billions still magnanimously pities tuk, as it does winston too, just not quite as much. again that like completely surface level realized power fantasy of forcing the mirror up to the Inferior so they're like nooo my inferiorityyyy & in doing so like, the projection in that lmao, we get it re: the valuing of & need(tm) for such Power Tripping & Reaffirming My Superiority & My Ego Restored; Everyone Claps like good god. & then for all ben & tuk are the slightly softer Two Too Nice Boys duo to the rian & winston quant duo, also like too nice i guess but not as much, ben is in charge of tuk but Any instance of rian being in charge of winston outstrips them in that "yay interpersonal abuse" dynamic, like then in the end billions may be like "yeah it's possible to be mean to them unlike how being mean to winston is actually Nice b/c he deserves everything he gets, we only vicariously enjoy it vs Feeling Bad for tuk & ben sometimes (still magnanimously & it's Not That Bad / just goofin)" like ben & tuk still Fail by not being people it's impossible to do anything to. & not Exceptions who anyone is really being Too Mean to. like if they were women, in which case, no problem surely with a "positive" kind of victim blaming where there is something Inherent that Will be victimized so hey how about to cancel that out there's this special Paternal Protection you Need always, Or Else? :) but instead they are men who are asian & is ben gay & w/tuk & winston nobody mentions glasses or fatness but billions doesn't really do much or very in depth textual mentioning of Anything, even w/nonzero mention that there may be gender & race in this world. a gay man, once. no disability. we just Know who are the inferiors who deserve it when they're treated inferiorly, or if they don't, they start deserving it when they fail to stop/avoid it, but if you start mentioning the factors behind who we all totally agree is inferior like whoa nobody was Saying any of that? being the real agent of oppression on the basis of the factors only You spelled out, much? nonbinary? i never say anything about the Gender Binary when i'm subscribing to it, sounds like You've created & enforced it. obfuscation & deflection onto [so Just Normal nobody has to label, explain, or argue it] couldn't serve a purpose & protect the existing power differences as they are. maybe You're the problem? perhaps you brought it upon yourself & now you're causing too much trouble standing up for yourself while everyone else's criticism is laser focused on you as the prior & continuing negative actions done to you are taken as a given / unquestioned / covertly protected to overtly encouraged?

anyway so wild if the Completely Normal(tm) Victim Blaming is uncritically recreated & oft embraced for "if you're watching this & don't wish you were axe / find him appealing" [billions as a sequence of vicarious power trips] purposes in this series....but a bit wild considering like this is your multiseason show that wasn't just purporting to be those power trips for [enough demographic & apparently specific personal tastes overlap w/creators] & was at all purporting to question the matters of power at play in the material, or yknow, at least to not be completely superficial material while said material is textually & thematically all about power difference being leveraged, how, the consequences, & so on. thus i will have to intermittently talk about it forever like this like lord unbelievable. & the funny little & sometimes less funny less little characters it has trapped in there so that those of us who were never meant to be in the audience can be cursed with this knowledge. like i have some feedback. "imagine not victim blaming" & "imagine adjusting your perspective can go beyond superficial layers added to politely defer to some other ppl while they're present but really like cmon do they deserve that. am i not just saying what we're allll thinking"

[spider-man-2o99]

Captain's Log: been a couple minutes

hi. quick update. not dead. just had a psychotic episode nd was real fuckin freaked out bcuz of th blinding paranoia and all the other everythings for a couple months, there. i needed to take a break from tumblr for my own mental health, bcuz i was just... it just. got to be All Too Much, and when that damn movie dropped on top of it all, especially, but-- i digress. 

when i get scared, i hide. so. i took a break. because every time i logged onto tumblr, i would just purposefully spend hours looking at shit that i Knew would be emotionally distressing at best and actively triggering at worst--Do Not Do This, btw. shock, horror, surprise, CapCap, but yes, self-harm does in fact do harm to oneself--and it has largely been a long two months shivering in delusional-terrified-prey-animal-mode under a metaphorical fucking rock in the meantime... but, that said, i do still apologize to those of you who i made worry, going dead silent like that.

ep's over now. the time away was... good for me, i think. ultimately. 

even as odd as it is, as a result of it, to see the post-movie sm2099-sphere, and watch from the outside the effects of my own whale-fall as it ripples through that little space that used to just be mine to bear for so long, for the most part. funny little quiet echoes of my own ego and thumbprints i can only recognize because i see them on my own hands every day, and then idly kinda wonder if i deserve to even have had that kind of impact in the first place. the earnest sincerity of that kind of love frightens and flatters and completely, utterly, melts and destroys me, entire. it is sweet to be acknowledged. it is perplexing to Exist outside of myself, and be praised for it. 

..and it is amusing, sometimes, when i can occasionally tell that someone has just Sparknotes-ed from my fic instead of reading the comics because they misinterpreted one of the Jokey-Jokes and/or My Headcanons in there as actual 100-percent comic canon, lol (it's happened more often than you'd think?? im no snitch but i SWEAR im not making this up. im autistic i love 2 Recognize Patterns Across Multiple Bodies of Text 4 fun).

i don't know if i'm quite ready to be Back, yet. but. tonight, i am okay. and i Will Be okay, in the days to come, as well. things are hard now, but they will not always be. 

so. i'll see you later, whenever that is. i hope the future is kind to you. we'll get there together, even if it isn't.