#re : mirror my malady.

[praybird]

the first time jack and teddy hookup is the night of her sister gwen's wedding. it also happens to be the same week that teddy turns 30 (because gwen is the sort of person to completely disregard her little sister's birthday and plan a big event around it), so naturally, she's in a destructive mood at the time.

jack has been away from the suburbs for some time, but returns to crash on his brother's couch after getting fired from his last job (that part's not really important). he ends up at the wedding because it's polite thing to do, but also because there's an open bar and he's, well, broke and fucking bored. he's only half expecting to see teddy there, but not thinking too much into it because their previous "friendship" was very loose, very casual, never intimate.

teddy doesn't expect to see him at all, but they find each other outside the venue. she's in a bridesmaid dress, he's in his dad's old suit, smoking a cigarette. he offers her one. (conversation goes like, "i can buy my own now." "sure you can, teds.") they're both a little drunk, and he says something about how she looks pretty. ("i've always been pretty, jack." and he just gives her one of those smiles.)

neither of them are really interested in going back into the party, so they nick a bottle of champagne, and go for a drive in his car. they end up at the playground where they used to smoke weed together, for old time's sake. they fall back into their old rhythm easily, but it's ... different. they both notice it too. it's tension that's been building for so many years, only now coming to the surface. jack kisses her first. teddy tells him she's got a boyfriend, but at the same time, she doesn't stop him. ("we don't have to tell him, teds." because jack's a bastard.) they end up in the back seat of his car and that's ... the start of their messy years long love affair. emphasis on affair.

[nearestend]

dynamic tags.

ada + david, re : but here i blur into you.

ada + una, re : pry me loose from your deep blue vein.

adam + alice, re : this is a love song.

adam + col, re : bleach in my hair just to get away.

adam + luanne, re : you're a symphony‚ i'm just a sour note.

alice + ashton, re : stuck to me like a splinter.

alice + olympia, re : you and me‚ we're the final girls.

alice + xeno, re : imaginary friend‚ you live up in my head.

amy + laurie, re : they knew it was a love story.

ellie + jamie, re : find me‚ forget me.

ellie + marlene, re : haunt me then.

ellie + olympia, re : please picture me in the trees.

ellie + xeno, re : dark woods in the heart of winter.

harry + adam, re : there's vampires at my door.

jack + olympia, re : you're on your own‚ kid.

jack + sid, re : i think your house is haunted.

jack + teddy, re : mirror my malady.

kate + tyler, re : if you feel it‚ chase it.

noah + carter, re : it's so depressing having everything i wanted.

noah + lizzie, re : it feels the end of a movie i've seen before.

group dynamics.

blemishes, re : play the greatest hits.

the ainsworths, re : i know it's for the better.

the core four, re : three‚ then four‚ then three.

[kaurwreck]

Oh Cassandra of troy, you who have been cursed to see but not heard, can you share to us more of the visions Apollo has made you witnessed? (read: other than Fyodors ability and Jinko is mikan, what other bsd theory/analysis you believe to be true and willing to go down with)

Have I missed the mark, or, like a true archer, do I strike my quarry? Or am I prophet of lies, a babbler from door to door?

Dazai's skill was transferred to him in part or otherwise influenced by Natsume.

Natsume introduced Dazai to Mori.

Dazai's skill won't allow him to die by ordinary means. Where Fyodor perceives his eternity as a gift through which he may undertake his mission and embody a Christ-like image, Dazai resents his and feels it deepens his inhumanity and inherent wrongness (at least, at first).

Natsume is the other man Fyodor alluded to when lamenting his presumed loss of Dazai.

The page isn't real, or at least, it isn't what the others think it is; rather, Fyodor et al. have used the same confidence tricks Fyodor deployed against Ace, with some manipulation of reality using Mushitaro and others' skills.

Sigma isn't three; he's just an amnesiac. Dazsi figured this out already, which is why he teased Sigma by calling him smart for a three-year-old, and why he sent Sigma on a fetch quest for his memories.

The "storm" Verlaine is waiting for is Arahabaki; if Arahabki is ever released, he is, as far as he's aware, the only other person capable of suppressing it again.

Yukio Mishima will make an appearance (and may be Sigma's actual identity); aside from the Decay of the Angel reference, the bow given to the Agency by the government just ahead of the Hunting Dogs Arc is a reference to a noh play written by Mishima.

Bram's skill is a calamity not only because he can control others through vampirism, but because his vampirism, once released, reverses death and potentially disease and other maladies— with implications for Tachihara, Jouno, and Akutagawa (re: Tachihara and Jouno's surgical dependencies and Akutagawa's respiratory illness).

Yukio Mishima is Atsushi's mirror, the same as Fyodor is Dazai's. What Atsushi embodies regarding the relationship between strength and weakness is in opposition to Yukio Mishima's ideology.

Atsushi is the White Tiger, Akutagawa is the Azure Dragon, Chuuya is the Vermillion Bird, and Dazai is the Black Tortoise.

Fyodor is a false Christ preaching a faux salvation; Chuuya and Atsushi are the narrative's salvific Christ figures.

[thesoupman]

hoolyshittt dni this song isso good 🤤🤤my friendhas problemswith winter and autumnthey give him prescriptions theyshine brigth lightson him they say its genetic theysay he cant ehlp it theysay yoiu can catch it but sometimes youre bornwith it 🤤🤤🤤myfriend has spite hegets shakes inthe night and thgy say theres no way thatthey couldhave caught itintime takesits toll on himit is inherited predispositional 🤤🤤🤤allday ive been wonderign what isinside of me who can ibalme for it i say itruns in the family thjs familythat carries me to suchgreat lengths toopen my legs up to anyone wholl have me itsruns in the family i comeby it honestly do what youwant cause who knows it might fill me up me up me up me up meup meupfill me up me up me upme up🤤🤤myfreidnds depressed shes a wreck shessa mess thyve done all sorts of testsand they guess it has soemthing to do with her grandmothers grandfathers grandmothersaving civil war soldier who probably infectedher🤤🤤my friend has maladies ricketsand allergies thatshe dates back tothe 17th century somehow she manages inher misery shestrips inthe city andshares all her best tricks withme well imwell well imean ijm inhell well istill have my health at least thatswhat they tell me 🤤if wellness is this what in hellsname is sickness but business is business and business runs inthe family🤤🤤🤤🤤we tendto bruise easily bad in theblood 🤤🤤im telling youcause i jstwant you to know me know meand my family were wonderful folks justdont get too close causeyou might knock me upmeup me up me up me up 🤤knock me upo me upme up me up me up me up🤤🤤🤤 mary have mercy now look what ive done but dont blame me because i cant helpwhere i come from agnd running is something that weve always done wellamd mostly icant even tell what imrunnign from 🤤runfrom the city from responsibility runfrom the country and runfrom the city🤤🤤ican run from the law i canrun from mysefl i can run from my lifei can run into debt 🤤ican run from it all i can run tillim gone i can run for the office and run for my cause ican run using every last ounceof energy i cannot icannot i cannot runfrom my family🤤🤤🤤🤤 theyre hidign inside of mecorpses on ice come in if youd like but just dont tell my family🤤 theydnever forgive me theyd say that im crazy butthey would say anything if itwould shut me up🤤🤤🤤shut meup 🤤🤤🤤shut meup me up me up me up me up meup meup🤤🤤🤤 shutme up me up me up me up meup me up🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤

I am madly in love aitj you

. A concert foryou my wheen.

I'm aw man i forgot my water. The songn is starting wait. Im thirsty but ther TOWJJMPS I A WEEKIBET YOU THINK THSTS PRETTY FLEBER DOMT YOU BOYY j aantmy water FLYING ALONG THE MOTOROECSYWATCHINF THE GRLUND BENEATH YOU DROP?? YOUD MILL YOURSELF FOR RECOGNITOM?? MILLYOURSELF TL ENVER EVER START ple i ewant my eate YLUVE BROKENA NOTHER MIRROR THENING INTO SKMETTHINF YOUA RE NOT im so thristy fuck DONT LEAVE ME HIGHHHHHHHHH DONT LEAVE ME DRYYYYYY im dry i want my WAYER OFNTKEAVE ME DHIGIHHHHHHHH . FONT LEAVE ME SRY. ok theres music ji got my water

Yayy :3 🎸🎸🎸🎸

Drying upand COMEBEDYPU WILL BE THE OME CANNOT TALK?? i dk the lyrics ALL YOUR INSIDE FALL TO PUEEV YOU JUST SITTING YOU COULD STILL

Mame loveTHEIRRS THE ONESHWOLL HATE YOU WHEN YOU THINK YOU WORLD UP?? i dont know the fucking lyrics THEYRE THE ONES WHOSIT TYPU WILL SCREAMING OUTTTT DONT LEAVE ME HIGHHHHHHH DONT LEAVE ME DRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SONT LEAVE ME HIGHHHHHHHHHJHHHH DONT LEAVE ME DRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸kitten i dont know the freaking lyrics im just typing what i hear golly goshj

Freak mode activated

OHHJ ITS THE BEST THAT YOU EVER AHDT THE BETS THAT YOU EVER EVER HADDDD ITS THE BEST THATYOUVE EBER HAD THE BEST YOU HAVE HAD HAS GONE AWAYYY SO DONT LEAVE ME HIGHHHHHHHHHJHHHHH DONR LEABE ME DRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYDOMT LEABE ME HIGHHGHHBHGHHHHHH . DONT LEAVE ME DRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

DOKT LEAVE ME HIGH!!-!!!!!!!DONT LEAVE ME HIGHHH DONT LEAVE ME DRY .

[angelic-butnotinnocent]

♥-Mercury Retrograde-♥

Mercury retrograde through the houses ;

Mercury is a quick moving personal planet. When he reverses he triggers in each of us a period of reflection and re-organisation – in fact pretty much any word with the prefix ‘re’ can be applied during this period. How the retrograde will affect you may manifest in a myriad of ways.

you can check where mercury goes retrograde in your transit chart

♥1st house♥;How you approach the world may need to be re-thought. Consider a change of image – do the research but perhaps wait until the retrograde is over before booking a drastic haircut! Take a long look in the mirror. The most important thing is whether you are happy with what you see.You may find yourself tripping over words or unable to express yourself in a way you would like. You worry about how you are coming across to others. There’s a growing sense that you would like to express a part of yourself that perhaps you haven’t allowed to come out before. You may feel like the way others perceive you doesn’t reflect who you are on the inside. Mercury retrograde in this house can help bring the inside and outside together, restoring confidence.Take a personality test, read up on your natal chart – for others to know you, you have to know you.

Keywords – Reframe, reaffirm, re-vamp

♥2nd house♥;Take a look at what you hold dear. You may find yourself asking the question ‘Is it really worth it?‘. Money due may be delayed so it’s wise to keep some aside just in case. Sometimes unexpected money falls into your lap.It’s time to think about what you really value in life. Are you happy with how you make money? Are you financially comfortable? What do you really want? Do you believe you are worth it? Are you on the way to getting it or do you feel like you moving further away? Review your bank account; keep any sale’s receipts; pay overdue bills; avoid major new purchases; update or start a record listing your outgoings and income; open a savings account.

Keywords – Re-evaluate, replenish, re-stock

♥3rd house♥;All forms of communication, transport and thinking are brought into focus. You may feel like your mind is very busy. Sometimes Mercury transiting here can increase worry and nervous symptoms. Ensure you create some quiet time to gain clarity. On a deep level, you are working through what you know. Confusion may mean you need further information.Repair your car; check the tires; take the car for an MOT/service; check your oil and water before a long drive. Research, replace the battery in your phone; charge up your battery regularly; replace your phone (but avoid a new contract until after Mercury retrograde). Watch your speed limit.Ask questions to ensure you understand; check someone received your message if you haven’t heard from them; send important items early – by insured post if possible; check appointment times; spell-check before sending! Back up your computer, run your virus and malware checker regularly; double check emails are from who they say they are from.In personal communications, make sure you have understood the other person’s point of view before going off the deep-end. Diffuse arguments. Don’t make promises that you can’t keep; don’t say yes when you mean no and vice versa.Reconnect with your siblings – especially if things were left on a difficult note.

Keywords – Re-think, rewrite, review

♥4th house♥;Your home is your sanctuary. Does it reflect who you are? If you feel stuck in a rut in life, maybe energy in your home is also ‘stuck’. Change the furniture around to give yourself a new perspective. Revisit each room and try to see it with the eyes of a stranger. What does it say about you? Release objects that no longer have any meaning.The 4th house is also your foundation, your childhood, your roots. What were you told as a child that you still believe is true? You may become aware of negative thought patterns that have a significant impact upon your life. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself fundamental questions.Old family/childhood issues may resurface or there may be a need to walk down memory lane. Reconnect with your family. Make peace with your past.

Keywords – Re-route/re-root! Redecorate, re-establish, retrace, refurnish

♥5th house♥;There may be a withdrawal of creative energy. Let the process happen, your project may need time to ferment. Loss of confidence may be an underlying reason for creative stalling. Check in with what you are telling yourself about your ability to express yourself. Don’t compare yourself to others. You are who you are.Seek out new inspiration. Visit a gallery, the theatre, the beach, a local park. Try out a new craft. Take yourself on an artist’s date.This can be a wonderful time to reconnect to your inner child. Aim to re-capture your spontaneity. Play a game. Spend time with your children, see through their eyes. Be curious.An old flame may reappear. Past partners may remind you of how far you have come or how happy/unhappy you feel. Alternatively this is an excellent time to inject some romance back into a jaded relationship. Put your thinking caps on and devise new ways to ‘play’ together 🙂Traditionally this isn’t the best time to start a new love affair. Whilst life must go on during Mercury retrograde, it’s wise not to fall head over heels just yet.

Keywords – Re-ignite, reanimate, rehearse, rekindle, recapture

♥6th house♥;Re-organise your workspace, office or desk. Sort out your diary, create a calendar or to-do list. re-work your routines. Re-connect with your colleagues and/or reflect upon your relationship with them. Sometimes this transit may manifest as mix-ups in communication and team work can suffer. Check everyone else has the right information to hand. Sometimes this transit can feel like your schedule has been thrown out of the window. Mercury may be asking that you become more flexible. Routines and habits can be an excellent structure to work from however they can also make life a little dull, safe and predictable.In matters of health, this is the time to do a personal inventory. How do you feel? Are you full of energy or weighed down by aches and pains and undefined maladies? This is the perfect opportunity to do some research into your own health issues. Unless there are serious consequences for postponement, a second opinion (when Mercury is direct) is advised before embarking on a course of treatment for an illness or problem. Test results now may be inconclusive. Avoid starting a new diet. Time is better spent researching the foods you will eat, gathering recipes and nutritional information.

Keywords – Reorganisation, rejuvenation, relapse, repair, recover, refresh

♥7th house♥;Whether marriage or business partner, Mercury’s transit here may call for re-negotiation of terms. In personal relationships, we often have unspoken contracts and agreements that have developed over time from who takes the trash out to who sleeps on what side of the bed. There are also others such as ‘don’t ever disagree with my Mother’. These ‘rules’ can be taught to us through certain behaviours and body language. What remains ‘unspoken’ is likely to be given voice during this transit and perhaps this is necessary in order for you to clear the path ahead.Alternatively, old issues that you thought forgotten may rear up and you may find yourself having to bite your tongue. Mercury retrograde in the 7th house can serve to bring you closer together by airing differences of opinion. By the time this transit is over, you may both feel like you understand each other a lot better.Traditionally it isn’t recommended to get married or set a wedding date under Mercury retrograde. If you have to sign a contract, read the small print! If possible, defer until after Mercury has gone direct.

Keywords – Re-negotiate, refine, reunite

♥8th house♥;In the house of shared resources, Mercury here offers you the chance to find out if you are getting and/or giving your fair share in a relationship. It may be time to redistribute the wealth. Renew your insurance, check when your insurance runs out, avoid taking out a loan, pay off your debts and taxes. There may be issues or delays with jointly held resources during this time. It is not the best time to take out a mortgage or loan or invest in a new business.Sexual issues may need to be discussed. Divine intimacy can be achieved through sharing your thoughts. It may be important to recall previous intimate relationships in order to understand better your preferences and needs.The 8th house favours eliminating the old. Cleanse your mind. Secrets and hidden things may come to light during this time. Psycho-analysis and other forms of healing are beneficial.

Keywords – relinquish, repay, re-allocate, relent

♥9th house♥;Re-examine what you believe about the world as Mercury backs up in the 9th house. Your beliefs create what you experience. It’s time to consider the future. What you do now effects the outcome. What’s your overall philosophy to life? Are you really living it? This house is also connected to morals and ethics. During this transit you may be called upon to re-assess what the truth really means.This is a good time to re-sit exams previously failed or to go back into education. Use this time to revise, to edit writing, to re-write and proof read your work. Explore books that make you think differently about the world.You may have a sense that you have lost the big picture somewhere along the line. Take some time to re-visualise where you want to be.You may find yourself needing to revisit a place. Generally however, travel plans at this time need to be triple checked. Be prepared for delays, cancelled flights and roadblocks. Mercury would like you to see where you are so you can be clearer about where you want to go. Sometimes we just have to stand still.The 9th house is also associated with the concept of faith. Your faith in yourself or in a higher being may be called into question. Faith adhered to without question can bind you. Keep asking the big questions!

Keywords – revisit, re-examine, retrain

♥10th house♥;Take care of old business, finish the job you started. A change in status can sometimes be indicated by this transit from promotion to job loss. There may be communication problems with a manager or team leader. Misunderstandings can lead to frustration. Patience and a cautious approach are necessary. This is not the time for a career change or to apply for a new job. Reapplying for a job you didn’t get before however is favourable. Use this period to consider whether you are happy with your career to date and what you would like to achieve. Researching a new career and connecting with people who work in that sector is a beneficial use of the retrograde period..If you are self-employed, take care with new contracts and clients. This may be the time to re-consider how you market yourself and the clients you want to work with. Re-vamp your public image.Alternatively, a great way to make use of Mercury in the 10th is to take a holiday from work, spend some time at home and recharge your batteries.

Keywords – redefine, re-assemble, reappoint, resign, retire, re-orientate.

♥11th house♥;Time for a catch up with old friends. You may bump into each other unexpectedly. On the other hand, this transit can indicate a withdrawal from the social scene for a while which may happen by choice or circumstance. If this occurs, it may be that you need to take some time to discover who you are away from others. Most often this can happen when too much time has been spent socialising and not enough time alone.There can be misunderstandings with friends at this time. Be sure you have the right end of the stick before you cross them off your Christmas card list. Gossip and rumour may play havoc with otherwise good relationships. It’s wise to follow the ‘hear no evil, speak no evil‘ motto right now. It could however be time to weed out connections that no longer serve you. Mercury retrograde in the 11th can help you to discover who your real friends are and why you move in the circles you do. It also serves as a reminder that people make their own decisions in the end. You can’t control what others decide to do.The 11th house is also connected to your goals and dreams. Re-capture a dream that you once had to get inspired about the future. Research networks that may help you towards your goal.

Keywords – Reconnect, regroup, reconvene, reform

♥12th house♥;As I start to write this piece, I hear Simon and Garfunkal singing ‘The Sound of Silence’ in my mind. When Mercury transits retrograde in the 12th house, the need for retreat and quiet may be very strong. For some this can manifest as a strong pull towards their own inner psychology. Mercury may bring you messages from your deep unconscious mind through dreams. Keep a record of dreams during the retrograde period as they may well provide information you need to be aware of. Images from past lives may surface.Sometimes it may feel like you have been left alone with no one to rely on. It may be because only you can decide what comes next. Regrets may characterise this time, with sorrow bubbling up about what could have been and should have been. Be kind to yourself and let it go. If you are telling yourself dark and twisted stories, give the tale a happy ending. Trust that you can make the right decision by yourself and move forward.Your spiritual life gets a boost when Mercury retrogrades the 12th. As the outside world loses its pull over you, you may find yourself more psychically aware and sensitive to subtle vibrations. Synchronicity speaks to you vividly. Spiritual renewal is a possibility. Meditate, remove your mental chains, set up an altar, commune with the world soul, pray.

Keywords – redeem, release, recharge, re-consecrate, repent

source ; leahwhitehorse.com

[lackadaisicalnereid]

The Game: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favourite opening line. Then tag some authors! I was tagged by @elasticella​​ & am tagging @bohemicns​​ @kwritten​​ and @ravenbells​​ if they are up for it. It was fun to think about and fit in nicely with me trying to figure out stylistics recently, so good for me.

1.deal with the devil

Malady is tired and Lohse is young.

(oh, do I love words which are not quite opposites but become opposites through being put in a sentence together. also, short sentences, yes.)

2. money dick power

(money)

Rachel almost wishes she could be embarrassed about this,

(dick)

with Quinn's fingers stroking her clit at a steady pace, and Rachel's fingers in response twisting in Quinn's hair,

(power)

but Rachel had misplaced most of her sanity decades ago, and there wasn't much of it to begin with anyway.

(yeah, this is one of those things that happen to me sometimes, idek, here I'm interspersing the entire fic with the repetitions of money, dick, power which is what the characters got on their matching tattoos, rhythmically mimicking one of the characters getting the other off with her hand, what ever are my choices)

3. a fire burning

Nyota's not sure even as it's happening, why she's in the landing party.

(ah, the thing in clauses when the referent for the pronoun comes after the pronoun itself, i cherish you so)

4. king of something

When Jane first sees Valkyrie, let's just say that it's a lot.

(one of my probably most used openings - both key characters present, making first contact)

5. falling, except

They keep falling - except

(in contrast to #4, a more in medias res approach, which i also do like sometimes, and then there's the the not-really-finishing-the-sentence thing which i also sometimes employ)

6. we’re all strays on a sidewalk

Magic can be many things.

(generic present tense statement, how i both worship and fear you)

7. but you took your toll on me It will never happen.

(ah narratorial OR character prediction for the future that starts the fic and its repetition creates the structure)

8. to avoid death, marry the hangman

6. They are in Clytemnestra's bed, always in Clytemnestra's bed, in lieu of crimes ot yet committed, Clytemnestra at least claims Cassandra away from Agamemnon's bed and for herself.

(this is the type of rambly opening line i honestly thought i'd find more of in my fic, but alas there hasn’t been much of it lately, but i do do the thing here where i number events and then scramble their order, which i have fun with both reading & writing)

9. come nightfall you’ll be waltzing through my door

Paris in summer is wonderful – at times.

(ah generic present tense statement, we meet again, ending on a hedge, and i do love hedges, also i’m itching to finish the next chapter of this blair/dan whatever it is)

10. Upper East Side, a queendom

Blair is a queen.

(maybe the shortest sentence on this list. i really do like a short opening line)

11. little beast

A story needs to start somewhere, so let us say this story needs three protagonists now.

(oh, hello narrator, nice to see you again, this is probably the most present distinct narratorial voice i’ve ever tried, even i occasionally think it’s obnoxious)

12. above all else, a god needs compassion

Tally is strong.

(oh i was wrong about #10 being the shortest. who knows if i'll find a 2-word opening line somewhere)

13. girls are cruellest to themselves

For the first time in recent memory, Abigail Bellweather does not know what to fucking do.

(i do like to employ swearing occasionally, and also i do consider characters not knowing sth a good starting point - see also #3 and #4)

14. the only apple on the only tree (that we’re not supposed to eat)

It's always the only apple on the only tree that we're not supposed to eat, and it's the same fucking shit all over again, except this time it's Laura looking at Baph, all metal and goth, and dark and grief, and not hers, not even remotely, and thinking, yes, I pick you.

(rambly again, and swearing (must have been a phase) and hello religious motif, we meet at last, i was wondering when you were going to show up, also i do the listing thing which i like in the second half of the sentence, and i do the free indirect discourse thing, i think?)

15. as goddesses do

1. Hera hears about Persephone long before she meets her.

(oh, see: #4 except this is even before the characters' first contact, which makes it kinda like #3)

16. everything i want here "I love her - Father, Mother, please," Paris begs, as well as Paris was ever capable of doing just that.

(you know for some reason i just love the as well as Paris was ever capable of doing just that second half of the sentence, but that's probably because i have a lot of thoughts re: Paris & begging & family and i like the staccato of what Paris is saying, this might just be my favorite of the openings here )

17. so many things i’m not allowed to tell you

1. It's this: Katherine comes to Mystic Falls.

(oh, short event description with some narratorial intervention and framing, hello)

18. am i your demon yet

The nature of it is that she never comes to Baph.

(the nature of what, that is the question, and i do love a good opening question, also - if she never comes to Baph - what does happen? so many questions and so little time)

19. girls in the mirror are closer than they appear

It would be silly to pretend Laura does not know that Sakhmet has eaten someone.

(i wish i'd made this sentence shorter, or changed something in the rhythm maybe, but i liked the epistemological focus on the pretending and/or knowing, so *shrug* what’s a girl to do)

20. forever just means forever

There is a corpse, or more than one corpse, maybe one or two or three.

(again, epistemological uncertainty, my best friend, see: #19, also aren't corpses just a great starting point, who's with me)

[whiskyhorse]

8

I’ve never entirely understood why magicians use bad second-hand poetry when they could use first class second-hand poetry or write their own shitty poetry.  Admittedly, there are more examples of the latter than the former (see: Andrew Chumbley).  The assumption often seems to be that if it’s old then it’s good, but that is patently un-true.  If millions of dead people prove the validity of a thing then we would still be saying that leukaemia is un-treatable 1.

Most living traditions produce new material.  Capoeira has a wealth of old songs, but young capoeiristas still write new ones.  An inspired song has as much (or more) power as an inherited one.  It’s all about what the words are imbued with.  I doubt that there is much traditional poetry in Chumbley’s work. The core material may come from an older tradition, but the voice is too consistent across his published work for it to come from other sources.  He either created it whole cloth or he gussied it up.  People find it potent nevertheless.

The bones of the work and what it is intended to mete are more important.  In Britain poets held the power to kill or maim with satire alone. That is a tradition that continued well into the Christian era.  As an example, see this Welsh englyn attributed to Gwerful Mechain (c. 1460-1502, trans. Katie Gramich), which calls on no god or power beyond the poetic form:

I’w gwr am ei churo Dager drwy goler dy gallon – ar osgo I asgwrn dy ddwyfron; Dy lin a dyr, dy law’n don A’th gleddau I’th goluddion

To her husband for beating her A dagger through your heart’s stone - on a slant To reach your breast bone; May your knees break, your hands shrivel And your sword plunge in your guts to make you snivel

(I am making a few assumptions here and skipping over the importance of the poetic form used, but I wanted to reference Gwerful.  Also - if you compare the internal meter of the original englyn to the translation you can see that Gwerful was a much better poet than her translator, but there’s not much one can do about that short of learning old Welsh)

I see some useful bone structure in the Headless Rite.  The formula for invocation is clear just underneath its skin.  Aiden Wachter uses a similar progression in Six Ways: State intention, call in the power required, identify the desirable traits of that power, then acquire or borrow them as one’s own (p.18).  However, although the stated intention of the Rite in the Greek Magical Papyri (PGM) is for exorcism it plainly has a more complex application.

Previously I’ve touched on parallels between the Headless Rite and the Song of Amergin.  The main things I identify as being different between them are that 1) the Song calls up Eire, whereas the Rite calls on a(n unknown) god/s. 2) The Song dispenses with a lot of the early stages and proceeds directly to identifying with the land.  Arguably that may be due to editorial interference, but personal experience indicates that those stages are not necessary.  Especially if a relationship already exists.

A lot of people use the Headless Rite, or its Thelemic equivalent, as part of a daily practice. I’ve read they do this because the Rite confers dominance over spirits and may align the magician with a particular current.  Certainly it has been used to augment a variety of other practices, particularly deity obsession (Stratton-Kent).  The flexibility of the formula is confirmed by the Song, in my mind.  I suspect that it’s far older than the Headless Rite’s stated purpose in the PGM.

I see the sense of using praise or boast poetry as a daily practice.  However is it necessary, or even desirable, to use such a dramatic martial formula every day unless you have regular goetic practice?  To bombastically acclaim one’s dominance on a daily basis?  It’s a bit like a yuppie in the 1980s yelling, ‘You’re a TIGER!’ at the mirror every morning.

As I think about using this as part of a daily practice I ask what purpose it should serve.  Let’s say I want it to align me with a particular current of being, re-affirm who/what I am and build a core strength for later dealing with spirits.  Fine. The Headless Rite would align me with an unknown deity or deities (at minimum it seems to reference Osiris and Yahweh) through use of some barbarous names we no longer remember the origin, meaning or use of.  That doesn’t really suit.

I could adapt the Headless Rite.  I am tempted to adapt it for use alongside kaula/tantra.  It would be fun making the syncretism work.  However that’s something I’ll probably come back to because right now I don’t want to focus on deities and spirits.  I want to strengthen myself and my practice.

So I went back to thinking about other work that exists in the same realm.  Work that could support a useful trance and be imbued with the same principles I work with.  I thought for a long time.  I considered Sufi verses and other options, but I kept coming back to Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass.

I have used Whitman’s poetry in a similar way to the Song of Amergin before.  In particular I’ve used I sing the body electric.  It works if used with a correct method.  Whitman’s poetry also has a broader scope than either the Rite or Song of Amergin. In Song of Myself he is singing up an ecstatic vision of what we could be, what he sees that we are underneath the eidolons that clothe us.  It’s a much better fit for what I am and how my magic is arrayed.  It also fits the formula for invocation.

In fact, Leaves of Grass is interesting beyond invocation.  When Chumbley wrote Azoetia and Dragon Book of Essex he tried to create a living grimoire – something bigger than its pages.  Whitman did the same, but, I think, more successfully from an ecstatic point of view.  Leaves of Grass opens by defining Whitman’s intention (“One’s self I sing”), then by charging the book with its purpose (“Then falter not, O book, to fulfil your destiny”). He casts aside materialism in EIDOLONS, summons up and addresses his audience with the purposes he tasks them with, and, in SHUT NOT YOUR DOORS, he opens the gates for the book to do its work.  Walt Whitman may not have written Leaves of Grass to be a work of magic, but because it is structured like an inspired text it can act as one nevertheless.

The content of Song of Myself invokes some very particular states.  Take 43:

“I do not despise you priests, all time, the world over, My faith is the greatest of faiths and the least of faiths, Enclosing worship ancient and modern and all between ancient and modern… Ranting and frothing in my insane crisis or waiting dead-like til my spirit arouses me, Looking forth on pavement and land, or outside of pavement and land, Belonging to the winders of the circuit of circuits.”

Or 48,

“I have said that the soul is not more than the body, And I have said that the body is not more than the soul, And nothing, not God, is greater to one that one’s self is”

Or 41,

“Magnifying and applying come I, Outbidding at the start the old cautious hucksters, Taking myself the exact dimensions of Jehovah, Lithographing Kronos, Zeus his son, and Hercules his grandson, Buying drafts of Osiris, Isis, Belus, Brahma, Buddha, In my portfolio placing Manito loose, Allah on a lead, the crucifix engraved, With Odin and the hideous faced Mexitli and every idol and image, Taking them all for what they are worth and not a cent more”

To me, that is bold magic and better suited to daily practice where one is building relationships and one’s own self.    

The main problem with Song of Myself is that it is bloody long.  However it’s broken into 52 sub-sections.  That allows for using the poetry flexibly as a more reflective and prolonged invocationary practice.  Whitman’s use of (sort of) free verse also allows editing to focus on sections that fit what is desired.  Consider – charging a pentacle can be done (in part) through choosing sections of Bible verse that help evoke a particular quality.  Something similar can be done here with invocation.  Whitman wrote Leaves of Grass to inspire and to inform an alternative way of being in the world.  This is entirely appropriate to its purpose.

I’ve gone on long enough, so I won’t get into the pros and cons of adapting supportive aspects of the Headless Rite like the barbarous names and paper crown.

1 Read The Emperor of all Maladies by Siddhartha Mukherjee

[obscurehistoricalinterests]

Repossessing the Body: Transgressive Desire in “Carmilla” and “Dracula” (III)

By Elizabeth Signorotti (1996)

Part I - Part II

Thesis: Carmilla is a story of female empowerment, and Dracula is a patriarchal response to it.

Repossessing the Body: Transgressive Desire in “Carmilla” and “Dracula” (part III)

Laura’s father is equally ineffectual as a protector of women. On the evening Carmilla disappears from the schloss (another breach of the separate sphere ideology, in which women are “expected to isolate [themselves] within the home” [Senf 55]), Laura and her maids “grew frightened... [and] rang the bell long and furiously. If my father’s room had been at that side of the house,” Laura says, “we would have called him up at once to our aid. But alas! He was quite out of hearing.” The physical remoteness of her father’s room mirrors his removal from all transactions involving either Laura or Carmilla. Le Fanu emphasizes Papa’s ineffectuality by locating him at the schloss’ perimeter as well as the narrative’s edge. Realizing his disempowered state, Laura “began to cool a little, and soon recovered [her] sense sufficiently to dismiss the men” she had summoned. They, like Spielsdorf and Papa, can offer nothing vital.

Carmilla’s sexual possession of Laura foils Papa’s attempts to marry her to General Spielsdorf, a match that could reestablish the male bond and the male exchange of women. By the time Spielsdorf returns to Styria, Laura’s illness is visible. Her father laments, “I wish our good friend, the General, had chosen any other time; that is, I wish you had been perfectly well to receive him.” Laura’s father fears her malady will reduce her value on the husband market, yet he still hopes Spielsdorf is “thinking of claiming the [Karnstein] titles and estates.” Her father says this “gaily,” Laura tells us, “but the General did not recollect the laugh, or even the smile;... [instead] he looked grave and even fierce.” Spielsdorf realizes that Papa has no right to “transact” his daughter, who has already assumed that right and made an exchange with Carmilla. Although Veeder argues that Laura laments her exclusion from the “relationship among males” in which her father participates, no evidence for this exists in the text. On the contrary, Laura relishes the liberating feelings resulting from her alliance with Carmilla: the “gentle, and somehow not unwelcome possession” and the “peculiar cold thrill [against her breast preceding] a sense of exhaustion.” Rather than envying the relationship among males, the two women enjoy the power of female alliances.

Laura’s and Carmilla’s female alliances result in a rejection not only of marriage but of motherhood as well. Senf notes that “during the nineteenth century [it was assumed that] motherhood was a woman’s highest duty.” Their transgressive relationship disrupts the laws of procreation necessary to maintain social order. Le Fanu, however, refrains from making them culpable for their procreative transgression and from condemning his vampiric representation of lesbian desire, leaving “Carmilla” more open-ended than may at first appear.

“Carmilla”‘s resolution follows the traditional means of vampire extermination, but the neat resolution “fails to contain the larger forces of which Carmilla is only a single manifestation.” Realizing that Carmilla is the vampire responsible for the mysterious malady plaguing Styria, Spielsdorf and Papa enact the obligatory staking scene (significantly termed “transfixation” - literally, nailing down something gone wild - by the Catholic church) then burn her body and scatter her ashes in the river. This scene, however, only ambiguously ends Carmilla’s existence. Since Le Fanu suggests “that a vampire’s victims must become vampires themselves,” he raises questions in the reader’s mind “about the ultimate fate of both Laura and Mlle. Rheinfeldt.” Indeed, we learn that “it is the nature of vampires to increase and multiply... according to a ghostly law... [and that a vampire] spectre visits living people in their slumbers; they die, and almost invariably, in the grave, develop into vampires.” Moreover, in the prologue to “Carmilla” the editor of Laura’s story informs us that he “was anxious to reopen the correspondence commenced by Doctor Hesselius, so many years before, with a person so clever and careful as his informant seems to have been. Much to my regret, however, I found that she [Laura] had died in the interval.” By the time the tale reaches its readers, both Laura and Bertha have died, yet presumably they continue to live as ressurected vampires, perpetuating the chain of female alliances begun by Carmilla.

The conclusion to Laura’s tale is as ambiguous as the extermination of Carmilla. During the spring following Carmilla’s transfixation, Laura’s father takes her on a tour through Italy. The year-long tour represents his attempt to reinstate Laura in the male chain of exchange, to reinscribe her into the world of her father and cure her of the lesbian desire she still maintains. But his attempt fails. Laura has tasted the sweet fruit of self-determination and fulfilling desire and does not wish to return to her pre-Carmilla life. She writes that, despite the passage of time, “to this hour the image of Carmilla returns to memory with ambiguous alternations - sometimes the plaful, languid, beautiful girl; sometimes the writhing fiend I saw in the ruined church; and often from a reverie I have started, fancying I heard the light step of Carmilla at the drawing-room door.” Laura ends her account fancying that Carmilla is poised to enter the drawing room. This image suggests her longing for Carmilla to re-enter her, to penetrate her once more. By this point, Laura has changed as a result of her vampiric love. No longer a mere “sign,” she has become a fleshed-out, desiring woman. Far from restoring Laura to her father’s systems of exchange, the conclusion of her narrative confirms the reader’s suspicion that everything Carmilla represents, if not Carmilla herself, remains loose and desirable in Styria.

Like the unframed Karnstein portrait, the entire “Carmilla” narrative is incompletely framed. In the brief prologue the editor comments: “upon a paper attached to the Narrative which follows, Doctor Hesselius has written a rather elaborate note, which he accompanies with a reference to his Essay on the strange subject which the MS. illuminates.” Yet the narrative ends without presenting either Dr. Hesselius’ note or the editor’s concluding remarks. Instead, “Carmilla” ends with Laura’s reverie. The frame that opens the tale is never closed, recalling the lack of closure around Carmilla’s effigy. The prologue’s editor also informs us that Laura was Doctor Hesselius’s “informant,” but Laura’s pointedly addressing her story to a “town lady like you” eliminates the male link between her and her reader and provides a direct route from one woman to another. Le Fanu’s incomplete narrative frame supports the perception of “Carmilla”’s women as free from male systems of control or exchange. Laura’s relationship with Carmilla is not sandwiched between an editor’s and doctor’s comments and then exchanged with the reader; rather, like Spielsdorf’s and Papa’s failed attempts to contain these women, the editor similarly fails to frame them in his narrative. Laura addresses her female reader directly, eliminating any intervening male agent, just as she and Carmilla eliminated the middle-man in their own exchange.

Dracula is Stoker’s response to Le Fanu’s portrayal of female empowerment. If Le Fanu frees his female characters from subject positions in the male kinship system, Stoker decidedly returns his to exchange status and reinstates them in that system. Stoker’s female characters are “supreme gifs” (Levi-Streuss 65) whose exchange finally binds Dracula’s “little band of men” together. In Dracula, Stoker creates what Frederic Jameson would call a “laboratory space” to carry out “experiments” on female characters, ultimately achieving an “imaginary vengeance” against the rising power of women, particularly against women who assert control over their own sexuality. It is usually assumed that Stoker sought vengeance against women in Dracula because of his hostility toward prostitutes who had infected him with tertiary syphillis (see, e.g. Robert Tracy 46). But the root of Stoker’s struggle with women’s sexuality can be traced to his relationship with his wife. In 1878 he married Florence Balcombe, who one year later gave birth to their son, Noel. Stoker’s granddaughter believed that Florence “refused to have sex with Bram” after Noel’s birth, which has led to the perception of her as a “cold,” “aloof” woman who was “very anti-sex” (Farson 213,214). Whether or not she was sexually frigid is debatable. What is clear, though, is that her behavior toward her husband was unconventional - that sexually she did not fulfill her part of the marriage contract. In creating Dracula, then, Stoker was probably less concerned with achieving vengeance against a particular group of women who had infected him than he was with asserting control over a whole range of women, who, like his wife - indeed, like women throughout Victorian England who welcomed the New Woman movement - had violated conventional expectations about women’s sexuality. Rather than embrace sexually self-determining women such as Laura and Carmilla, Stoker placed the women of Dracula firmly under male control and subjected them to severe punishments for any sexual transgression.

Part IV can be found here.

[elisaenglish]

How John Stuart Mill and Harriet Taylor’s Pioneering Intimate Partnership of Equals Shaped the Building Blocks of Social Equality and Liberty for the Modern World

“They were imperfect, divided people and went on being so for the rest of their lives, with the rueful knowledge of human contradiction that good people always have.”

Half a century after the 18th-century political philosophers Mary Wollstonecraft and William Godwin pioneered the marriage of equals, and just as Ralph Waldo Emerson and Margaret Fuller were contorting themselves around the parameters of true partnership, another historic power couple modeled for the world the pinnacle of an intimate union that is also an intellectual, creative, and moral partnership nourishing not only to the couple themselves but profoundly influential to their culture, their era, and the moral and political development of the world itself.

In 1851, after a twenty-one-year bond traversing friendship, collaboration, romance, and shared idealism, John Stuart Mill (May 20, 1806–May 8, 1873) and Harriet Taylor (October 8, 1807–November 3, 1858) were married. Mill would come to celebrate Taylor, like Emerson did Fuller, as the most intelligent person he ever knew and his greatest influence. In her titanic mind, he found both a mirror and a whetstone for his own. They co-authored the first serious philosophical and political case against domestic violence. Taylor’s ideas came to shape Mill’s advocacy of women’s rights and the ideological tenor of his landmark book-length essay On Liberty, composed with steady input from her, published shortly after her untimely death, and dedicated lovingly to “the friend and wife whose exalted sense of truth and right was my strongest incitement.”

In his autobiography, Mill painted a stunning portrait of Taylor:

In general spiritual characteristics, as well as in temperament and organisation, I have often compared her, as she was at this time, to Shelley: but in thought and intellect, Shelley, so far as his powers were developed in his short life, was but a child compared with what she ultimately became. Alike in the highest regions of speculation and in the smaller practical concerns of daily life, her mind was the same perfect instrument, piercing to the very heart and marrow of the matter; always seizing the essential idea or principle. The same exactness and rapidity of operation, pervading as it did her sensitive as her mental faculties, would, with her gifts of feeling and imagination, have fitted her to be a consummate artist, as her fiery and tender soul and her vigorous eloquence would certainly have made her a great orator, and her profound knowledge of human nature and discernment and sagacity in practical life, would, in times when such a career was open to women, have made her eminent among the rulers of mankind. Her intellectual gifts did but minister to a moral character at once the noblest and the best balanced which I have ever met with in life. Her unselfishness was not that of a taught system of duties, but of a heart which thoroughly identified itself with the feelings of others, and often went to excess in consideration for them by imaginatively investing their feelings with the intensity of its own.

In A Thousand Small Sanities: The Moral Adventure of Liberalism (public library) — an elegant, impassioned, and rigorously reasoned effort to re-humanise the most humanistic moral and political philosophy our civilisation has produced — Adam Gopnik argues that Mill and Taylor pioneered something even greater than a true marriage of equals on the intimate plane of personal partnership: a vision for the building blocks of equality on the grandest human scale.

Gopnik — a Canadian by birth, a New Yorker (and longtime New Yorker staff writer) by belonging, and one of the most lyrical, lucid thinkers in language I have ever read — recounts trying, and failing, to comfort his intelligent, politically engaged, disconsolate teenage daughter in the wake of the 2016 U.S. Presidential election. For consolation and clarity, as much hers as his own, he turns to Taylor and Mill:

My idea of liberalism, while having much to do with individuals and their liberties, has even more to do with couples and communities. We can’t have an idea of individual liberty without an idea of shared values that include it.

A vision of liberalism that doesn’t concentrate too narrowly on individuals and their contracts but instead on loving relationships and living values can give us a better picture of liberal thought as it’s actually evolved than the orthodox picture can.

[…]

Images illuminate ideas, and pictures of people are usually clearer than statements of principle. When I think about the liberal tradition I wanted to show my daughter, my inner vision kept returning to a simple scene, one that had delighted me for a long time. It’s of the nineteenth-century philosopher John Stuart Mill and his lover, collaborator, and (as he always insisted) his most important teacher, the writer Harriet Taylor. Desperately in love, they were courting clandestinely, and they would meet secretly at the rhino’s cage at the London Zoo. “Our old friend Rhino,” Taylor called him in a note. It was a place where they could safely meet and talk without fear of being seen by too many people, everyone’s attention being engaged by the enormous exotic animal.

They were pained, uncertain, contemplating adultery, if not yet having committed it — opinions vary; they had been to Paris together — and yet in those conversations began the material of “On Liberty,” one of the greatest books of political theory ever written, and “On the Subjection of Women,” one of the first great feminist manifestos and one of the most explosive books ever written. (One of the most successful, too, inasmuch as almost all of its dreams for female equality have been achieved, at least legally, in our lifetime.)

With an eye to the perilous erasures with which history is often rewritten — history, I continue to insist, is not what happened, but what survives the shipwrecks of judgment and chance — Gopnik points to the curious disconnect between Mill’s own repeated affirmations of Taylor’s supreme influence on his ideas, and subsequent warpings and appropriations of their story:

After [Mill’s] life, generations of commentators — including Friedrich Hayek, who unfortunately edited their letters — aggressively Yoko-ed [Taylor], insisting that poor Mill, wildly intelligent in all but this, was so blinded and besotted by love that he vastly exaggerated the woman’s role, which obviously couldn’t have been as significant as his own. Fortunately, newer generations of scholars, less blinded by prejudice, have begun to “recover” Harriet Taylor for us, and her role in the making of modern liberalism seems just as large and her mind as fine as her husband always asserted that it was.

Gopnik reflects on the intellectual and ideological resonance at the heart of Mill and Taylor’s love, which in turn became the pulse-beat of our modern notions of political progress:

What they were was realists — radicals of the real, determined to live in the world even as they altered it. Not reluctant realists, but romantic realists. They were shocked and delighted at how quickly women and men began to meet and organise on the theme of women’s emancipation, but they accepted that progress would be slow and uncertain and sometimes backward facing. They did more than accept this necessity. They rejoiced in it because they understood that without a process of public argument and debate, of social action moved from below, the ground of women’s emancipation would never be fully owned by women nor accepted, even grudgingly, by men.

They had no illusions about their own perfection — they were imperfect, divided people and went on being so for the rest of their lives, with the rueful knowledge of human contradiction that good people always have.

In that singular Gopnik fashion, he then inverts the telescope, turning from the cultural perspective back to the intimate microscopy of this uncommon bond between two uncommon visionaries. Between their ideals and the their vulnerabilities, he locates one of the largest truths about love:

Theirs is one of the most lyrical love stories ever told, for being so tenderly irresolute. Recognising that intimate life is an accommodation of contradictions, they understood that political and social life must be an accommodation of contradictions too. The accommodation was their romance. That meant that social accommodation could be romantic, too. Love, like liberty, tugs us in different directions as much as it leads us in one. Love, like liberty, asks us to be only ourselves, and it also asks us to find our self in others’ eyes. Compromise is not a sign of the collapse of one’s moral conscience. It is a sign of its strength, for there is nothing more necessary to a moral conscience than the recognition that other people have one, too. A compromise is a knot tied tight between competing decencies.

[…]

The great relationship of [Mill’s] life would be proof of his confidence that true liberty meant love — relationship and connection, not isolation and self-seeking. What we want liberty for is the power to connect with others as we choose. Liberalism is our common practice of connection turned into a principle of pluralism.

When Taylor died of a mysterious malady only seven years into their marriage, and nearly thirty years into their partnership, the devastated Mill erected a monument to her, made of the same Carrara marble as Michelangelo’s David and inscribed with these words:

HER GREAT AND LOVING HEART

HER NOBLE SOUL

HER CLEAR POWERFUL ORIGINAL AND COMPREHENSIVE INTELLECT

MADE HER THE GUIDE AND SUPPORT

THE INSTRUCTOR IN WISDOM

AND THE EXAMPLE IN GOODNESS

AS SHE WAS THE SOLE EARTHLY DELIGHT

OF THOSE WHO HAD THE HAPPINESS TO BELONG TO HER

AS EARNEST FOR THE PUBLIC GOOD

AS SHE WAS GENEROUS AND DEVOTED

TO ALL WHO SURROUNDED HER

HER INFLUENCE HAS BEEN FELT

IN MANY OF THE GREATEST

IMPROVEMENTS OF THE AGE

AND WILL BE IN THOSE STILL TO COME

WERE THERE BUT A FEW HEARTS AND INTELLECTS

LIKE HERS

THIS EARTH WOULD ALREADY BECOME

THE HOPED-FOR HEAVEN

Gopnik’s A Thousand Small Sanities is a worthy read in its entirety, drawing on the personal to illuminate the political, clearing the clouded lens of the past to magnify the most pressing questions of the present in order to answer them with equal parts reasoned realism and largehearted idealism. Couple this particular fragment with Jill Lepore on how Eleanor Roosevelt revolutionized politics, then revisit Henry David Thoreau, writing in Taylor and Mill’s era, on the long cycles of social change and the importance of not mistaking politics for progress and Thomas Mann, writing in humanity’s darkest hour, on justice, human dignity, and the need to continually renew our ideals.

Source: Maria Popova, brainpickings.org (18th June 2019)

[praybird]

update: the two worst people you know are in love

[jghouse-asia-pacific]

New Post has been published on https://www.jg-house.com/2020/04/01/deceit-desire-hot-place/

Deceit and Desire in a Hot Place

At 9:00am, Lan, Howard, and I finished breakfast and left the dining room on the 2nd floor of Hotel Vissai. Lan and I were going to the Golden Smile Clinic on Ký Hoà Street in District 5 of Ho Chi Minh City. The previous night, a hot one in southern Vietnam, as always, a new patient had arrived after an 11-hour flight. The woman, Mary Lynn Tefford, lived in Canberra, the Australian capital.

“She will be at my mother’s clinic at 10:00,” Lan said as we rode down in the elevator. “She phoned two weeks ago. She flew in yesterday.”

Howard, though, was going to meet his friend, Emile, an executive at Burisma, a Ukrainian oil and natural gas company, who was staying at Hotel InterContinental in District 1 of Ho Chi Minh City.

The three of us exited the lobby and waited on the sidewalk in the polluted air. Howard hailed a taxi, got into the small car, and was gone.

A few minutes later, Binh, my driver, brought his car to a halt before Lan and me. The slender, soft-spoken man smiled, revealing a gap in his top teeth, a gap which hadn’t been present the previous day. Two days prior, he had mentioned needing to see a dentist, but I assumed he was going to have a minor procedure, like a teeth cleaning or a filling. His dentist had other ideas.

The first rain clouds, dark specters, appeared on the horizon as Binh wove in and out of the buses, cars, and motorbikes on Nguyễn Văn Trỗi Street, the main road between the airport and the center of the city in District 1. By now, though, the daily changes in the weather were familiar.

Binh turned right on Công Ty Cp Bằng Hữu Quốc Tế-Cửa Hàng Số Street and then merged onto Trần Huy Liệu Street. As Binh drove, he periodically looked into the rear-view mirror and stared at Lan and me sitting in the back seat. He wanted to listen to the story about Mary, the new client from Australia.

“She’s 42 years old,” Lan said. “She’s re-married. She wants to have a child with her new husband in Canberra.”

Binh looked out the window and waved to a man on a motorbike, who waved back at him, shouting some words which were lost in the noise of the traffic.

“Mary doesn’t want to have surgery,” Lan confessed. “She wants to avoid any cutting with scalpels and a long recuperation from the trauma of surgery.”

Binh soon halted the car in an alley between Lương Nhữ Học and Triệu Quang Phục Streets. The area was popular with people looking for natural or herbal healers and for buying exotic and expensive medicines.

Woman Riding a Motorbike in the Rain

Golden Smile Clinic

When Lan and I arrived at the Golden Smile Clinic, we saw the same clerk who had greeted us two days before. She was 25 years old, but looked 16, and she wore the same white pressed blouse, skirt, and stiletto heels she had worn then. The clerk passed through a door at the back of the clinic, and we followed her into a narrow yard.

There we saw a garden with an impressive collection of plants, not only sprouting from the ground but also growing in pots hanging from a wooden structure with curls drooping onto the ground. The clerk pruned several leaves off a tall vine with white and pink flowers, a pink-striped trumpet lily.

“We grow them for our clients,” a woman’s voice coming from behind me said. I turned and saw Lan’s mother. She smiled at me.

The clerk then cut off a Vietnamese coriander sprout and gave it to Lan’s mother. The clerk disappeared back into the clinic again.

The mother spoke to me. “Western medicine can help only so much in the most severe cases. I know it is the same in your country, even though you have many big hospitals and expensive clinics.”

The clerk, who re-appeared suddenly with a surprised look on her face, said a few words in Vietnamese to Lan and her mother, who stood next to each other a few feet from me.

“Mary has arrived,” Lan said, turning to me. “You can stay in the garden, if you like. Just relax until Mary leaves.”

Lan and her mother went inside.

“Some water?” asked the clerk, whose name was Tran. “Coconut milk?” I shook my head without thinking.

I looked at my iPhone and saw a message from Karen, who was helping me collect data for a research project about literacy. She asked if I would meet her at the house of her friend, Emily, and walk with her to the school at SEAMEO. I knew that she gave English lessons to Vietnamese children every afternoon.

Lan and her mother didn’t return to the garden as Tran led me from plant to plant in the hot yard, describing each one and its uses, including the tần dày lá, or plectranthus amboinicus, for respiratory tract disorders; the sả hoa hồng, or palmarosa, for skin maladies; and the rau má, or centella asiatica, for blood circulation.

I went into the clinic again and saw Lan and her mother with Mary.

The Australian woman, who had short, blond hair and wore a blue polo shirt, tennis shorts, and Adidas shoes, was drinking a green liquid from a painted glass. The woman looked like she was 25, not 42, years old; she looked muscular and appeared athletic and well coordinated.

“My goal is to reduce the size of the tumor so that I can get pregnant again,” Mary said to me after shaking my hand. “The tumor is benign, but I want to eliminate it.” She stopped. She seemed distracted. “My new husband has no children,” Mary confided. “He wants a child.”

A jeep pulled up outside.

“I have to leave,” Mary added, turning toward the door. “I’ll see you again.”

Street-Side Pedicure

In the Heart of the City

I told Lan that I had to go to District 1 and collect a folder of statistics on bilingual students in English and Vietnamese. Lan looked at me, disappointed. Her mother frowned. Then I thought of a counter measure. I asked Lan if she could meet me for dinner at the rooftop bar of the Rex Hotel at 7:30.

Lan’s mother nodded, as if giving her daughter permission. Karen had said to me earlier that morning that Duy planned to take her to the Rex at 8:00. Lan agreed to meet me. I wanted Karen and Lan to have an opportunity to talk. Although they were my two best friends in Vietnam, I suspected that they would soon hate each other or, more realistically, that they already did. I wanted to introduce them formally before matters got worse or, perhaps, unbearable.

At noon, dark clouds gathered overhead as Binh brought his taxi to a stop on Nguyễn Thị Minh Khai Street. A door opened on the ground floor of the three-story house, and Karen appeared in the doorway. “Emily is here,” she said. “I’m going to take her to SEAMEO when I go back for my afternoon class. You can come with us to the school. I have the folder ready for you in my classroom.”

I stepped inside. It was hot. The pungent odor of a recently cooked meal made it seem even hotter. “Emily wants an extra teaching job,” Karen said to me, as we entered the kitchen. “But do you really need this job?” Karen said to Emily, who had just entered the room from another door.

“Yes,” Emily replied. “I can’t take any money from my mother in Texas right now. She opposes my relationship with Cao. I need the extra cash.”

“Do you think that Cao will sacrifice his career in the army?” Karen asked. Cao was a major in the Vietnamese army and rising fast in the Communist Party.

“Why would he lie to me?” Emily commented. I could think of at least ten good reasons. I knew Karen could, too.

Because Karen had to be back at the school at 1:30pm, I walked with her and Emily as they argued. From Lê Thánh Tôn Street, we entered the courtyard of the school, a property which once housed CIA headquarters. Emily stopped. I felt my iPhone vibrate in my back pocket. When I looked at the phone, I saw a text message from Howard, who reminded me about our meeting with Emile and Natasha, Emile’s fiancée. Emile wanted Howard to help Natasha look for a house to rent. Howard wanted me to go with him. The plan was to meet at Hotel InterContinental, where Emile and Natasha were staying, at 2:30 that afternoon.

Emily turned to Karen.

“I appreciate your introducing me to the administrators here,” Emily said, “but I don’t understand your attitude toward Cao. I know you had a bad break-up recently.” Karen shook her head. “I feel bad for what happened to you,” Emily continued. She was referring to Karen’s recent affair with a security guard during which he had fathered secretly a child with another woman. Karen didn’t reply. “Although Vietnamese men have a reputation for promiscuity,” Emily said, “I’m not concerned. I know Cao loves me. My situation is different.”

“What Cao says now and what he says next month very likely will be different,” Karen replied with a scowl on her face.

“Let’s go and see the director,” Emily replied, ending the conversation.

Contemplating a Next Move

Inside a Stretch Limousine

After walking the short distance from SEAMEO to the Hotel InterContinental at 2:00pm, I stopped under a tree on Hai Bà Trưng Street across from the hotel in a light rain.

A black stretch Mercedes stopped in front of me. Although the driver, a Vietnamese man in his 20s, could have been anyone, I thought I recognized the big car. When the window in the back of the car rolled down, I recognized Howard in the dark interior. The car, I knew, belonged to Howard’s friend, Emile.

I assumed that Emile’s girlfriend, Natasha, was with Howard in the car. I remembered that Natasha had flown in from Moscow, where she lived most of the year, three days before. Probably Howard and Natasha were on their way to look at properties in the tony districts of the city. Emile had asked Howard, who was a long-time friend from Pittsburgh—part of a large Jewish community in that city—to accompany Natasha in her quest.

But I thought Emile wanted Howard present primarily to help Emile hide his new relationship with a young Vietnamese woman, named Ngoc, a financial analyst who worked for Emile. Howard had become, basically, a shield. I had tried to warn Howard that he was entering a trap, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He was unrealistic. Natasha’s step-father, Dmitri, was the CEO of Burisma. Dmitri often came into the company’s new offices in downtown Ho Chi Minh City when Emile and Ngoc were sitting together. I knew Dmitri would punish Emile, and probably Howard also, when Natasha found out about Ngoc and issued an ultimatum.

“Good afternoon,” Howard said, opening the door. “It’s hot and wet outside. Why don’t you come inside and relax for a moment?”

Howard slid to the opposite side of the car, and, while closing the door, I sat where he had been sitting. Phi, a Vietnamese man in his early 30s who was a real-estate agent, sat beside Natasha, facing me. Natasha was facing Howard. The window next to me went up again, and the big car started to move quietly, as if it had a mind of its own. While the air cooled my face and arms, the blue light overhead made me relax and forget about my encounter with Karen and Emily.

“Howard thinks he knows the housing market in Ho Chi Minh City better than I do,” Phi remarked. He looked at me. “How long has Howard been here? A month? It’s impossible. Crazy.”

Natasha glanced at me. “Although Howard knows the market in the States,” she replied, hesitating and calling attention to her Slavic accent, “how he might or might not be able to find a house for me in Ho Chi Minh City is not important. I wanted to have Phi, a local agent, helping me as well.” She ran a hand through her hair, looking at me, expecting a reply.

Natasha, in her 30s, had high cheek bones, full lips highlighted with a pinkish gloss, and long dark hair. She looked more than exotic. She seemed temperamental, used to getting her way. She focused everyone’s attention on her without trying.

Howard also was staring at me, expecting me to defend him, but I glanced at Natasha and decided I should refrain. The situation was complicated. I could have said many things, but I said nothing.

Natasha preferred a villa in the An Phu neighborhood, an exclusive area, located in District 2, but she hadn’t bothered to tell any of us, or even Emile himself, what she expected. Anyway, I knew that she had her own money and did what she wanted when she felt like it.

Emile, I suspected, was afraid of Natasha. I knew Howard was.

Howard picked up some papers lying next to him on the seat. “From the listing for the property Phi has selected,” Howard said, “I don’t know why we should even bother driving out to it and viewing it.” He pointed to the listing. “It’s written in English. I have pictures in color, too.” He looked up at Natasha. “I know what the place has to offer.”

Natasha, dressed in shorts with a see-through shift covering her legs and her upper body, placed a hand on Phi’s arm. “We’re going to see the place you’ve selected,” she remarked. “Don’t worry about it or worry about what Howard says or worry about what Emile might have told anyone. It’s my decision.”

I noticed at that moment Natasha wore a gold chain around her neck with a gold medallion suspended between her breasts. The medallion swung slowly, from one side to the other, reflecting the light.

Howard looked out the window of the Mercedes, trying to focus everyone’s attention on him. “What street is this?” he said. He seemed upset.

I wanted Howard to come to his senses, though, and forget about helping Natasha. I realized she was a powerful woman skilled at controlling people.

Fruit for Sale

Bar at the Hotel InterContinental

It was 4:00 in the afternoon. The crowd at the Hotel InterContinental’s ground-floor bar, called Purple Jade, occupied all of the tables.

A group of foreigners—four middle-aged men—sat at one of the tables. The men were speaking loudly in stilted English accents.

Natasha, Howard, Phi, and I sat at a separate table next to the four middle-aged Englishmen. They had been gambling at a casino, called the Palazzo Club, a couple of blocks away. Three of them were discussing what they had lost. The fourth bragged about what he had won.

“I told you,” Howard said, looking at Phi, “the master bathroom has to connect to the master bedroom. And, as you will recall, in the last place we visited, it did not.”

Howard drank some wine from his glass. “Also,” he pointed out, “you must keep in mind that Natasha has a maid and a hairdresser. They go with her.”

We had walked through a villa with 12 bedrooms, renting for $20,000 a month. Natasha had followed Phi through all of the empty rooms and been impressed with the lay-out of the large house.

“The place was beautiful, but it was not for me,” Natasha explained. “We’ll look at two more places tomorrow if I have time.”

Howard drank some more wine. He looked at me and then at Natasha. “Don’t feel like you have to settle,” Howard said. “Phi has to find something you actually want.”

“That’s the problem,” Natasha said. She smiled. “I don’t know actually what I want.” She looked at the Englishmen, almost dismissively.

Natasha stood up from the table. Her see-through shift seemed to get caught on her chair. “I’m going upstairs,” she announced. She jerked the shift away from the chair. I thought she was going to rip it off her body as well.

Natasha’s bare thigh brushed my arm as she passed between the tables.

The men from Great Britain watched Natasha. They wanted to question us about her, but they didn’t.

They were silent for the first time.

Waiting at Red Light

Rooftop of the Rex Hotel

Under a mulberry tree on Hai Bà Trưng Street across from the entrance to Hotel InterContinental, I waited for Binh to arrive in his car and take me back to Hotel Vissai. The rain came down in sheets. Howard had borrowed a large umbrella for me from the concierge, but still I was getting thoroughly soaked.

Inside the hot taxi, Binh practiced his English. He paid no attention to me. He had his radio on. My thoughts turned to Karen, who now showed an interest in a relationship with Duy. Or, at least, she acted as if she no longer opposed one.

Binh pulled up in front of Hotel Vissai. I asked him to pick me up in one hour.

After showering, dressing, and sending e-mail messages to colleagues in the States, I found myself back in the taxi with Binh. It was still raining. Binh was talking to me in English. Once again, I paid no attention to him. I was thinking about Lan.

Approaching the Rex Hotel on Nguyên Huê Street in District 1, in the heart of Ho Chi Minh City, I saw that it was brightly lit in the darkness. Binh had stopped the car and turned to me. “Are you going to meet the American woman or the Vietnamese?” he said.

“Both,” I replied, getting out of the car. “It’s probably a bad idea.”

Binh smiled, revealing the gap in his top teeth.

Under a transparent awning in the rooftop restaurant, a cool breeze blew from the nearby muddy Saigon River and from nearly empty streets. But it was still hot. I took a sip of Malbec, apparently imported from Argentina, and set the glass down. I didn’t care for the wine. I perched uncomfortably on a barstool near one end of the room where I had a clear view of the elevator and of people arriving. It was 7:30. The rain had stopped.

A couple emerged from the elevator. At first, I didn’t recognize Karen, who, wearing makeup and high heels, looked 10 years older than usual. She was taller than Duy. Even for a Vietnamese man, he was short. The maître d’, wearing a black and orange uniform, led the two of them to a table along the railing at the front of the restaurant, where they had a view of the park below. They didn’t see me.

When the musicians started playing, I turned around to listen and, a minute later, I felt Lan beside me, touching my arm. “Is that wine for me?” she asked. She knew it wasn’t, but she started to drink it anyway. She placed the empty glass back on the table.

The music was loud; the singer, with long, black hair, was Filipina, but she sounded American when she took the microphone. “I know the song. It’s by the Eagles,” I said. “I can’t remember its name.”

Lan laughed. “The name of the song is ‘Take It Easy,’” she replied. “Glenn Frey of the Eagles wrote it about a small town, called Winslow, Arizona, in the U.S. Do you know it? I hum parts of the song sometimes.”

“I like your dress,” I said to Karen. Lan nodded. I knew, though, Lan wasn’t agreeing with me, only acting as if she did. The four of us sat next to the railing on the rooftop and looked down into the adjacent park. I focused on a bronze statue of Ho Chi Minh, a symbol, in the middle of the park, set off by beds of azaleas.

I couldn’t keep my mind on Lan and Karen. I had hoped Lan would like Karen. Now I knew any friendship was impossible. Lan was jealous. I felt depressed. I could see Lan’s dislike of Karen was unmistakable and wouldn’t go away. Karen’s argument with her friend, Emily, earlier in the day and Emile and Howard’s impending doom were omens, not accidents. Down below, the statue of Ho Chi Minh, wet from rain, glistened in the night, reflecting an array of colors from neon signs on buildings around the park. I felt adrift, outside myself or history. Only the city was real.

**

#LifeCulture, #Vietnam #Beauty, #Culture, #HoChiMinhCity, #Love, #SoutheastAsia

[airmom]

Mercury Retrograde Through the Houses

- credit 

Mercury transiting retrograde in the 1st house How you approach the world may need to be re-thought. Consider a change of image – do the research but perhaps wait until the retrograde is over before booking a drastic haircut! Take a long look in the mirror. The most important thing is whether you are happy with what you see.

You may find yourself tripping over words or unable to express yourself in a way you would like. You worry about how you are coming across to others. There’s a growing sense that you would like to express a part of yourself that perhaps you haven’t allowed to come out before. You may feel like the way others perceive you doesn’t reflect who you are on the inside. Mercury retrograde in this house can help bring the inside and outside together, restoring confidence.

Take a personality test, read up on your natal chart – for others to know you, you have to know you.

Keywords – Reframe, reaffirm, re-vamp

Mercury transiting retrograde in the 2nd house Take a look at what you hold dear. You may find yourself asking the question ‘Is it really worth it?‘. Money due may be delayed so it’s wise to keep some aside just in case. Sometimes unexpected money falls into your lap.

It’s time to think about what you really value in life. Are you happy with how you make money? Are you financially comfortable? What do you really want? Do you believe you are worth it? Are you on the way to getting it or do you feel like you moving further away? Review your bank account; keep any sale’s receipts; pay overdue bills; avoid major new purchases; update or start a record listing your outgoings and income; open a savings account.

Keywords – Re-evaluate, replenish, re-stock

Mercury transiting retrograde in the 3rd house All forms of communication, transport and thinking are brought into focus. You may feel like your mind is very busy. Sometimes Mercury transiting here can increase worry and nervous symptoms. Ensure you create some quiet time to gain clarity. On a deep level, you are working through what you know. Confusion may mean you need further information.

Repair your car; check the tires; take the car for an MOT/service; check your oil and water before a long drive. Research, replace the battery in your phone; charge up your battery regularly; replace your phone (but avoid a new contract until after Mercury retrograde). Watch your speed limit.

Ask questions to ensure you understand; check someone received your message if you haven’t heard from them; send important items early – by insured post if possible; check appointment times; spell-check before sending! Back up your computer, run your virus and malware checker regularly; double check emails are from who they say they are from.

In personal communications, make sure you have understood the other person’s point of view before going off the deep-end. Diffuse arguments. Don’t make promises that you can’t keep; don’t say yes when you mean no and vice versa.

Reconnect with your siblings – especially if things were left on a difficult note.

Keywords – Re-think, rewrite, review,

Mercury transiting retrograde in the 4th house Your home is your sanctuary. Does it reflect who you are? If you feel stuck in a rut in life, maybe energy in your home is also ‘stuck’. Change the furniture around to give yourself a new perspective. Revisit each room and try to see it with the eyes of a stranger. What does it say about you? Release objects that no longer have any meaning.

The 4th house is also your foundation, your childhood, your roots. What were you told as a child that you still believe is true? You may become aware of negative thought patterns that have a significant impact upon your life. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself fundamental questions.

Old family/childhood issues may resurface or there may be a need to walk down memory lane. Reconnect with your family. Make peace with your past.

Keywords – Re-route/re-root! Redecorate, re-establish, retrace, refurnish

Mercury transiting retrograde in the 5th house There may be a withdrawal of creative energy. Let the process happen, your project may need time to ferment. Loss of confidence may be an underlying reason for creative stalling. Check in with what you are telling yourself about your ability to express yourself. Don’t compare yourself to others. You are who you are.

Seek out new inspiration. Visit a gallery, the theatre, the beach, a local park. Try out a new craft. Take yourself on an artist’s date.

This can be a wonderful time to reconnect to your inner child. Aim to re-capture your spontaneity. Play a game. Spend time with your children, see through their eyes. Be curious.

An old flame may reappear. Past partners may remind you of how far you have come or how happy/unhappy you feel. Alternatively this is an excellent time to inject some romance back into a jaded relationship. Put your thinking caps on and devise new ways to ‘play’ together

Traditionally this isn’t the best time to start a new love affair. Whilst life must go on during Mercury retrograde, it’s wise not to fall head over heels just yet.

Keywords – Re-ignite, reanimate, rehearse, rekindle, recapture

Mercury transiting retrograde in the 6th house Re-organise your workspace, office or desk. Sort out your diary, create a calendar or to-do list. re-work your routines. Re-connect with your colleagues and/or reflect upon your relationship with them. Sometimes this transit may manifest as mix-ups in communication and team work can suffer. Check everyone else has the right information to hand. Sometimes this transit can feel like your schedule has been thrown out of the window. Mercury may be asking that you become more flexible. Routines and habits can be an excellent structure to work from however they can also make life a little dull, safe and predictable.

In matters of health, this is the time to do a personal inventory. How do you feel? Are you full of energy or weighed down by aches and pains and undefined maladies? This is the perfect opportunity to do some research into your own health issues. Unless there are serious consequences for postponement, a second opinion (when Mercury is direct) is advised before embarking on a course of treatment for an illness or problem. Test results now may be inconclusive. Avoid starting a new diet. Time is better spent researching the foods you will eat, gathering recipes and nutritional information.

Keywords – Reorganisation, rejuvenation, relapse, repair, recover, refresh

Mercury transiting retrograde in the 7th house Whether marriage or business partner, Mercury’s transit here may call for re-negotiation of terms. In personal relationships, we often have unspoken contracts and agreements that have developed over time from who takes the trash out to who sleeps on what side of the bed. There are also others such as ‘don’t ever disagree with my Mother’. These ‘rules’ can be taught to us through certain behaviours and body language. What remains ‘unspoken’ is likely to be given voice during this transit and perhaps this is necessary in order for you to clear the path ahead.

Alternatively, old issues that you thought forgotten may rear up and you may find yourself having to bite your tongue. Mercury retrograde in the 7th house can serve to bring you closer together by airing differences of opinion. By the time this transit is over, you may both feel like you understand each other a lot better.

Traditionally it isn’t recommended to get married or set a wedding date under Mercury retrograde. If you have to sign a contract, read the small print! If possible, defer until after Mercury has gone direct.

Keywords – Re-negotiate, refine, reunite

Mercury transiting retrograde in the 8th house In the house of shared resources, Mercury here offers you the chance to find out if you are getting and/or giving your fair share in a relationship. It may be time to redistribute the wealth. Renew your insurance, check when your insurance runs out, avoid taking out a loan, pay off your debts and taxes. There may be issues or delays with jointly held resources during this time. It is not the best time to take out a mortgage or loan or invest in a new business.

Sexual issues may need to be discussed. Divine intimacy can be achieved through sharing your thoughts. It may be important to recall previous intimate relationships in order to understand better your preferences and needs.

The 8th house favours eliminating the old. Cleanse your mind. Secrets and hidden things may come to light during this time. Psycho-analysis and other forms of healing are beneficial.

Keywords – relinquish, repay, re-allocate, relent

Mercury transiting retrograde in the 9th house Re-examine what you believe about the world as Mercury backs up in the 9th house. Your beliefs create what you experience. It’s time to consider the future. What you do now effects the outcome. What’s your overall philosophy to life? Are you really living it? This house is also connected to morals and ethics. During this transit you may be called upon to re-assess what the truth really means.

This is a good time to re-sit exams previously failed or to go back into education. Use this time to revise, to edit writing, to re-write and proof read your work. Explore books that make you think differently about the world.

You may have a sense that you have lost the big picture somewhere along the line. Take some time to re-visualise where you want to be.

You may find yourself needing to revisit a place. Generally however, travel plans at this time need to be triple checked. Be prepared for delays, cancelled flights and roadblocks. Mercury would like you to see where you are so you can be clearer about where you want to go. Sometimes we just have to stand still.

The 9th house is also associated with the concept of faith. Your faith in yourself or in a higher being may be called into question. Faith adhered to without question can bind you. Keep asking the big questions!

Keywords – revisit, re-examine, retrain

Mercury transiting retrograde in the 10th house Take care of old business, finish the job you started. A change in status can sometimes be indicated by this transit from promotion to job loss. There may be communication problems with a manager or team leader. Misunderstandings can lead to frustration. Patience and a cautious approach are necessary. This is not the time for a career change or to apply for a new job. Reapplying for a job you didn’t get before however is favourable. Use this period to consider whether you are happy with your career to date and what you would like to achieve. Researching a new career and connecting with people who work in that sector is a beneficial use of the retrograde period..

If you are self-employed, take care with new contracts and clients. This may be the time to re-consider how you market yourself and the clients you want to work with. Re-vamp your public image.

Alternatively, a great way to make use of Mercury in the 10th is to take a holiday from work, spend some time at home and recharge your batteries.

Keywords – redefine, re-assemble, reappoint, resign, retire, re-orientate.

Mercury transiting retrograde in the 11th house Time for a catch up with old friends. You may bump into each other unexpectedly. On the other hand, this transit can indicate a withdrawal from the social scene for a while which may happen by choice or circumstance. If this occurs, it may be that you need to take some time to discover who you are away from others. Most often this can happen when too much time has been spent socialising and not enough time alone.

There can be misunderstandings with friends at this time. Be sure you have the right end of the stick before you cross them off your Christmas card list. Gossip and rumour may play havoc with otherwise good relationships. It’s wise to follow the ‘hear no evil, speak no evil‘ motto right now. It could however be time to weed out connections that no longer serve you. Mercury retrograde in the 11th can help you to discover who your real friends are and why you move in the circles you do. It also serves as a reminder that people make their own decisions in the end. You can’t control what others decide to do.

The 11th house is also connected to your goals and dreams. Re-capture a dream that you once had to get inspired about the future. Research networks that may help you towards your goal.

Keywords – Reconnect, regroup, reconvene, reform

Mercury transiting retrograde in the 12th house As I start to write this piece, I hear Simon and Garfunkal singing ‘The Sound of Silence’ in my mind. When Mercury transits retrograde in the 12th house, the need for retreat and quiet may be very strong. For some this can manifest as a strong pull towards their own inner psychology. Mercury may bring you messages from your deep unconscious mind through dreams. Keep a record of dreams during the retrograde period as they may well provide information you need to be aware of. Images from past lives may surface.

Sometimes it may feel like you have been left alone with no one to rely on. It may be because only you can decide what comes next. Regrets may characterise this time, with sorrow bubbling up about what could have been and should have been. Be kind to yourself and let it go. If you are telling yourself dark and twisted stories, give the tale a happy ending. Trust that you can make the right decision by yourself and move forward.

Your spiritual life gets a boost when Mercury retrogrades the 12th. As the outside world loses its pull over you, you may find yourself more psychically aware and sensitive to subtle vibrations. Synchronicity speaks to you vividly. Spiritual renewal is a possibility. Meditate, remove your mental chains, set up an altar, commune with the world soul, pray.

Keywords – redeem, release, recharge, re-consecrate, repent

[petersonwriter]

Alcohol - The Legal Killer

Pete Peterson 

He came to lying in puke and piss on the hardwood floor of his den. It took him a minute to figure out where he was. How he got there, he did not know. His head felt ready to explode. His eyes ached. He shivered in rancid sweat that soaked his tee shirt. He struggled to his feet, his trousers wet with urine. He wore a shoe on one foot, and nothing on the other one. His heart banging, he stumbled into the bathroom, splashed cold water on his face and peeked at the unshaven stranger in the mirror. 

 “You were supposed to be dead by now,” he said. That’s what he had intended when he started this drunk, what two weeks ago? Nausea swept over him. He dropped to his knees, hugging the commode and retched, spewing green bile and blood. After maybe fifteen minutes, he stood weak and dizzy. 

He heard footsteps in the hall. He didn’t want his daughters to see him this way as they left for school. He tossed his trousers into the closet and pulled on running shorts. He’d pretend he was going for a jog. He reached for his bottle to take a swig so his hands would stop shaking. That’s when he noticed the pile of glass in the corner, a broken bottle on top of it. 

He staggered to the closet, pulled out a fifth of Evan Williams Black Label, twisted off the top and took a long slug. Usually, he’d feel a rush of well-being, a sense of relief course through his body, stilling the popcorn thinking that peppered his mind. Now, he felt nothing. No relief. No feeling of well-being. Nothing. 

He heard his daughters giggling. His beautiful curly-headed, freckled face, black-eyed girls. When he heard other voices, he realized, school was out, not starting. He reached for the doorknob. He’d greet them, tell them how important they were to him, let them know he loved them. 

His oldest daughter’s voice stopped him. “Let’s play outside. We don’t want to make Daddy mad. He’s sick. Again.” He heard the girls walk down the hall, past his room. He heard the living room door slide shut with a bang, loud as a prison door. He took another pull from his bottle. The usual warm feeling, the dulling of senses, failed to materialize. He let the bottle drop to the floor, turned and fell on his sofa, sobbing, hot tears rolling down his face.

* * *

Alcoholism has many faces and facets. Often what is said about it is not only wrong, it’s dangerous. With this in mind, let’s turn to an expert to examine the real issues of alcoholism. This is important, since alcohol abuse caused over 88,000 deaths in 2015 alone, (and opioids, killed another 42,000). With so many conflicting reports emerging, new legislation, drug policies, penalties, and programs being continually trotted out, it is important to re-conceptualize what we already know.

Psychologist Donald Lee, a former Oceanside resident, is an expert in the field of alcoholism and alcoholism recovery. He’s seen the effects of it as an adult son of a practicing alcoholic, as a scholar and in his day-to-day practice. He offers straight forward advice based on his wide knowledge and experience.In a wide-ranging interview conducted in the Escondido offices of the National Association of Sales Consultants and Coaches, Mr. Lee addressed many aspects of alcoholism to a rapt audience. 

First question, “What is an alcoholic?”  

LEE: Alcoholism and substance abuse - Alcohol/Substance Use Disorder - can be defined simply as: Continued use of drugs or alcohol in spite of serious health, family or economic consequences. Add to this academic definition these in the field observations - an alcoholic is a person who can no longer control and enjoy their drinking; an alcoholic is a person who is either thinking about drinking or thinking about not drinking – trying to get sober. Alcoholism is a 3-part disease consisting of an allergic reaction to alcohol that is exacerbated by a compulsion to drink, coupled with a spiritual void. This is pretty hard-core definition for some – as real as it might be – but it’s safe to say that an alcoholic can never safely drink again, just as the drug addict must maintain life time abstinence. And there’s the rub – the addict and the alcoholic must find some way to live without using or drinking again. That’s why getting appropriate help is so important.      

  Why Use Drugs or Alcohol? 

NASC&C: How does one become addicted in the first place?

LEE: Neuroscience paints a pretty clear picture of what happens to the addicted brain. Drugs (and alcohol is a legal drug), release a chemical called dopamine into the brain. This externally induced overflow of dopamine changes the mid-brain's response to other survival needs -food, water, even procreation, get bumped down the list of priorities, and the drug becomes Number One to the user. This person is now an addict. To those so afflicted, the crux of addiction is that the brain has been hijacked, creating physical and emotional cravings for the user’s substance of choice. The brain has literally been changed. And it doesn’t go back to normal on its own. Just putting the “plug in the jug” – advice often offered to new alcoholics - isn’t enough. If not drinking or using were the answer, long-term addiction problems would not exist. The brain needs to repair. It doesn’t happen simply through abstinence. Not for the real addict or alcoholic. Dr. Drew Pinsky, famed addictionologist, says, “Every thought a newly recovering addict/alcoholic has for the first six months to a year, is a thought that is trying to make the individual return to using the substance.” Thankfully, he adds, “The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous seems to fix those parts of the brain.”

Alcoholism: Acts as an Infectious Disease 

NASC&C: If a drunk, or an addict continues to use, what lies in store?

Lee: Alcoholism and drug addiction kills. Dead. Addiction to drugs and alcohol is a terminal condition. Pure and simple. But this addiction can be interrupted, and sobriety prevail if the drunk or addict gets help. 

NASC&C: I hear from addicts and drunks that I only hurt myself. If I want to die drunk, that’s my business. True? 

LEE:  Not true. Every addict/alcoholic adversely affects, on average, seven other people.

NASC&C: So why is addiction so different from other terminal maladies of human existence? 

LEE: This question is answered quite clearly in the 4th Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous. “If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worthwhile in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer’s. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents -anyone can increase this list.” When an alcoholic or addict says, “I’m only hurting myself,” this is a lie they tell themselves to justify their actions but is one of many errors their thinking sets in motion by the mid-brain's single-mindedness of purpose, which for the addict is to get more drugs/alcohol.

It’s A Family Dis-ease

NASC&C: I also hear, alcoholism is a family disease. What’s meant by that? 

LEE: This is an area many misunderstand. First, because of the care, worry, empathy, fear, upset, frustration, love, and desire for the addict to get better exhibited by family members, they often fall in the trap of impaired judgment, becoming distracted by the actions of the actor, continually thinking about the alcoholic/addict until it becomes an all-consuming obsession, thus loved ones become just as ill as the addict, in the very same way. Over time the entire family dynamic can change. Alternating between codependent overindulgence and physical and emotional cutoff, the family desperately strives for some sense of normal homeostasis. But it never comes. 

NASC&C: That’s a pretty bleak picture. Is there no hope for the alcoholic/addict or the family? 

Lee: Yes, there is hope. Alcoholics Anonymous and 12-Step programs patterned after it, have helped millions of people recover from this seemingly hopeless condition of mind and body. Simply defined, we can look at alcoholism as an allergic reaction to alcohol. The allergy manifests as a compulsion to drink more and a mental obsession that guarantees it. This is why it can be so difficult a habit to break. Professionals in the field of drug and alcohol addiction have known this for close to a century. What they didn’t know was how to beat it. The famous psychiatrist Dr. Carl Jung suggested that an alcoholic must have “a complete emotional displacement and rearrangement.”  He called this, “vital spiritual experiences, where ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.

The Gift of Desperation 

NASC&C: What was the genesis, or beginning of a verified treatment program for drunks? 

LEE: A newly sober stockbroker found himself broke, far from home, and tempted to drink after six months of hard-won abstinence. In a moment of clarity and he realized he desperately needed to talk to another alcoholic. He intuitively knew he had to get out of his own head and try to help other suffering alcoholics. He called a pastor who knew of someone he could talk with. He called Henrietta Seiberling, who introduced him to a local doctor who had tried everything he could think of to get sober but could not “whip the devil.” The  two men met at her house. A projected 15-minute meeting lasted for hours. Somehow, talking alcoholic to alcoholic, without the specter of shame or authority, the two identified with each other. 

The broker, Bill W., came to stay with Dr. Bob for a time. As Bill W. and Dr. Bob continued their efforts to stay sober, they began to formulate other ideas about recovery. They agreed that their common problem was complete powerlessness over alcohol. Their ideas were simple but not new. They realized a dependence on a Higher Power (however you conceive of Him/ or Her or It) was essential. Becoming honest with defects of character and past behaviors would allow one to be free from the bondage of the past and able to make amends for past offenses. 

These steps were formalized to include continuing inventory, prayer and meditation, helping others to recover from alcoholism, and striving to practice these principles in “all our affairs.” After one last prodigious bender, Dr. Bob realized he had not been completely honest with himself and others. He had tried to hold on to his old ideas that others would judge him, or if they found out about his problem, he’d lose all his business. 

He was the first to realize what they say in recovery rooms, “You can’t save your ass and your face at the same time.” Doctor Bob made the rounds to his patients and others in his community and made his amends to the best of his ability. “To his surprise, he was warmly welcomed. He returned home that night exhausted but very happy.” 

He never drank again. 

Bill and Bob met with a third alcoholic in the hospital and told him their stories. Alcoholic Number Three could tell from their demeanor that these men were sincere, knew what they were talking about, and most importantly, weren’t coming from a position of authority. Simply one drunk talking to another. After explaining their simple program of action, this man left the hospital for the last time, never to drink again, one day at a time. 

This was the beginning of Alcoholics Anonymous. Over the ensuing 85 years, sobriety, serenity, and sanity have been returned to millions of people all over the world. Having a certain mindset and following a simple plan of action, lives and fortunes of countless individuals and their families have been made whole. 

N.A.S.C.C: If AA works so well, why then doesn’t everyone get sober?  

LEE: The Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) suggests a possibility: “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. Usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates.” 

There are other challenges as well. Many individuals, whether through early experience or temperament, have difficulty with developing a belief in a power greater than self. The Big Book goes to great lengths to detail how many alcoholics came to AA as atheists or agnostics yet found a way to believe in a power greater. Sometimes it began with a realization that personal powerlessness itself means there must be some power greater than one’s self.

It has been the experience of many that when faced with the prospect of total destruction, leaning into the idea of a Higher Power is not such an onerous choice. Since that time in 1935, millions of alcoholics have found relief from the lethal condition of alcoholism. 

In addition, recovery for the family comes in the form of Al Anon and Al-a-teen. Both are patterned after Alcoholics Anonymous and use the same 12-step program.  Their mission and purpose is to help families and friends of alcoholics connect and support each other…to find hope and encouragement to live joyful, serene lives. 

Many 12-step groups have sprung up for narcotics addiction, marijuana addiction, heroin addiction, crystal methamphetamine addiction, cocaine addiction, gambling addiction, sex addiction, tobacco addiction, and others. 

A couple of important points may help explain why Alcoholics Anonymous can be so helpful: “AA’s steps are ‘reports of action taken rather than rules not to be broken under pain of drunkenness...nor commandments to be followed.’” From A Member’s Eye View of Alcoholics Anonymous: “AA's Twelve steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.” Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. 

NASC&C: I’ve heard that alcoholism and drug addiction are particularly rough on women. Is this true? 

LEE: According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, more than 5.3 million women ages 18 and older have an alcohol use disorder. Approximately one in two women of child-bearing age drink, and eighteen percent of women in this group binge drink (five drinks per binge, on average). Recently, National Public Radio aired a segment regarding a woman in Mom’s Club, a membership program devoted to teaching the finer points of wine selection and consumption who realized she was drinking too much and decided to quit. 

She recounted this was not as easy as she thought, but with help, she’s recovering. Only after she’d stopped drinking did her menstrual cycle return to normal. The feature noted that often women who binge drink are more likely to have unprotected sex which increases the risk of unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. 

In fact, women who drink while pregnant increase the risk of fetal alcohol syndrome, which can cause mental and physical birth defects. Binge drinking dramatically increases the risk of sexual assault on women, especially those living in a college setting. Alcohol abuse disorder in women has increased by 83.7% between 2002 and 2013, according to a 2017 study sponsored by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA).

I hate to spew numbers, but it’s important to note that high-risk drinking, defined as more than three drinks in a day or seven in a week for women, is on the rise among women according to a 2017 study. Death from liver cirrhosis rose in women from 2000 to 2013. Drinking too much – on a single occasion or over time – can take a serious toll on your health. 

NASC&C: Why does extensive alcohol consumption effect health so adversely? 

LEE: Alcohol interferes with the brain’s communication pathways and can affect the way the brain looks and works. These disruptions can change mood and behavior, and make it harder to think clearly and move with coordination.  It also interferes the function of one’s heart, may lead to arrhythmias – irregular heartbeat – as well as stroke and high blood pressure. All most everyone is aware that heavy drinking affects the liver that can lead to a variety of problems and liver inflammations including, stenosis or fatty liver, alcoholic hepatitis, fibrosis and cirrhosis. 

NASC&C: How about the Big C? Cancer. What’s the scoop there? 

LEE: Based on many reviews of research studies, there is a strong scientific consensus of an association between alcohol drinking and several types of cancer. In its Report on Carcinogens, the National Toxicology Program of the US Department of Health and Human Services lists consumption of alcoholic beverages as a known human carcinogen. 

The research evidence indicates that the more alcohol a person drinks—particularly the more alcohol a person drinks regularly over time—the higher his or her risk of developing an alcohol-associated cancer. Based on data from 2009, an estimated 3.5 percent of all cancer deaths in the United States (about 19,500 deaths) were alcohol related, including head and neck cancers, esophageal cancer and liver cancer and breast cancer, many studies have consistently found an increased risk of breast cancer associated with increasing alcohol intake. 

The Million Women Study in the United Kingdom (which included more than 28,000 women with breast cancer) provided a more recent, and slightly higher, estimate of breast cancer risk at low to moderate levels of alcohol consumption: every 10 grams of alcohol consumed per day was associated with a 12 percent increase in the risk of breast cancer. Alcohol consumption is with a modest increased risk of cancers risk of the colon and rectum. And researchers and medical authorities have long associated alcohol consumption with weakened immune systems as well as pneumonia, tuberculosis and diabetes. Booze often lingers in the body for days and a single episode of drinking can weaken your body’ s ability to ward off infections – often for 24 hours after getting drunk.

NASC&C: Going back to a previous question, I’ve heard AA described as a cult. What’s your take on that?

LEE: (Laughs). I’ve heard that. too. In fact, it frequently comes up when working with newcomers. The best answer I can give comes from A Member’s Eye View of Alcoholics Anonymous, which answers the question. “If the blind lead the blind, shall they not both fall into the pit?” The answer is strangely enough, “No”. Perhaps one who is a little less blind, or who can at least discern vague shapes and forms, can describe what he or she sees while the other one still lives in total darkness. 

Before the average alcoholic walks through the doors of his first A.A. meeting, he has sought help from others or help has been offered to him, in some instances even forced upon him. But these helpers were always superior beings: spouses, parents, physicians, employers, priests, ministers, rabbis, swamis, judges, policemen, even bartenders. 

The moral culpability of the alcoholic and the moral superiority of the helper, was clearly understood. The overtone of parental disapproval and discipline in these authority figures is always present. So when a new drunk hears for the first time from the lips of another one suffering just like him, and this message is what happened to me and this is what I did, not a menacing rat-a-tat tat of “This is what you should do,” the message resonates. I’m personally convinced that the basic search of every human being, from the cradle to the grave, is to find at least one place where one belongs, where one can stand stripped of all pretense or defense, and trust that those present will not to hurt him or her, because they too are stripped of their pretense. 

That’s what AA does, it gives each member a clear picture of the foibles of each member – what brought them to this moment and what they did to stop their drinking. No dogma, no religion, no belief, no philosophy is necessary. Just what I did, and what you can do if you wish. Pure. Simple. The idea that alcoholism is a disease — is now no longer unique. However when one hears from the lips of another person their story, no reasonably intelligent person can quarrel with has been said. This desire to stop drinking is the only requirement to being a member of AA.

 * * *

Perhaps it’s time to check back in on that poor drunk lying in the ‘prison cell of his own making,’ sobbing while his two daughters played outside. After several gulps of top-quality bourbon, he felt no effects, no lessening of terror and dread. To the outside world, he was a success – he had a great job selling law books for a respected publishing house, a lovely wife, a beautiful home in a desirable neighborhood. His lack of self-esteem, his sense of never belonging could be dissipated by a double shot of bourbon. One drink led to another until now he was crying on his sofa, his trousers wet with urine, his life that of complete and incomprehensible demoralization. 

In a moment of clarity, he realized that if he was to live and he desperately wanted to do so, and do something worthwhile with his life, he had no option except to quit booze. Forever. 

He somehow managed to get dressed, dialed a phone with shaking hands, scribbled down the address of an AA meeting and walked on unsteady legs into a group in his helpless condition. He admitted to himself and others, that he was powerless over alcohol. 

From that day to this, some forty-seven years, he has not had another drink and has taken his rightful place in society.                                                                                                                                   The End 

[cattheologian-blog]

Science and Science Writing: The Fictional and Scientific Psychoanalytical aspects in M. Night Shyamalan’s: ‘Split’

My opinion on the matter of the movie, assuming one has seen it, is purely objective, seeing that I do not know anyone with the condition James McAvoy’s Character, (Kevin Wendell) apparently suffers, my reflection on the story, its plot and over all how it impacted my emotions will be rooted in the psychoanalytical Freudian tradition.

Right off the bat, Patricia is my favorite character, no doubt about it. She screams austere, noble, high-class, English governess with a judiciary cane. And the shawl; just like looking in a mirror.

But more on the scientific aspects of the movie. I feel that the movie’s theme and its revolvement around DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) is wildly unscientific and very poorly researched. Frankly it did a poor job of portraying DID, and instead created a portal to hype the idiots and slightly mentally handicapped teenagers online who say they have DID and act like it, mostly for pure aesthetic reasons and they probably are not diagnosed with it.

Slight tangent; there is actual a cesspool community online of these sickening people who call themselves ‘plures’. Yes they pretend to have DID by blogging about their different personalities and acting like complete and utter imbeciles by undermining the suffering of actual diagnosed patients by playing make-belief with their quote-on-quote ‘plurality’. All the while, the outside idiots that actually believe their humbug have convinced themselves they are seeing and experiencing the real thing, and so when they meet those who are actually afflicted with this curse, they tend to think lightly of the cauldron of suffering that they have disillusioned themselves to.

Mental illness is always never a fun thing to have. And those who think it is and masquerade around in its shadows are frankly, really shitty people. Do and say as you want, but so shall I when writing this.

Though Betty Buckley (Dr. Karen fletcher) does an amazing job masquerading her fake Ph.D. around and spouting pseudo-scientific gibberish, she can frankly arrange her rancid granny lips around my Ph.D.

Though some of her claims are right; people with DID are just a physically normal as the rest of us. The myth that we are only using a small percentage of our brains is a falsity that is quite frankly only believed by those who have a small percentage of brain matter to begin with. And the falsity that our brain can change our physiological state beyond hormonal control to an utter re-wiring of physio-neural connections to make you stronger or lose weight or turn your skin into iron.

No, the thing with DID is you basically got two to six voices calling you a ‘cunt’ 24/7. It’s like having an annoying fourteen year old atheist inside in your head that frankly won’t shut the hell up and if you leave that annoying fourteen year old atheist for far too long, you not only become it, you also become the reason why I am personally in favor of beating children.

Though the mentalhealthfoundation.org.uk says that relatively healthy people hear voices too, the voices are snide, rude and non-recurring, such as the result of unexpressed insecurities and anxieties present in the otherwise healthy person’s psyche, though this could be the sign of an onset of unforeseen mental disease. It is when a clinically depressed person starts hearing a large black man’s voice harass him or her sexually in his or her own mind that the ‘problem’ is to be officially recognized as so.

But it is when the schizophreniac or the psychopath start hearing this voices where DID can be either be apparent in the actions and sudden changes of personality or recessive, wherein a person slowly becomes the voice. The self-diagnosis of such is bogus and frankly dangerous, even if performed by a professional; DID could stand for Dangerously Inaccurate Diagnosis according to Dr. Clifford N Lazarus Ph.D. of Rutgers University.

Now I am not denying that people can have strange, disconnected, amnesic and fragmented experiences, nor am I totally decrying the diagnosis of DID. It is possible that some unfortunate people who suffered through horrendous abuse, neglect, or trauma may indeed suffer from some malady resembling this condition.

He says, writing for Psychology today. He further insinuates:

Still, before placing the label MPD or DID on someone, other more rational explanations for the behavior must be ruled out, such as serious medical or severe neurological conditions, drug intoxication, or perhaps more credible psychological disturbances such as Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, Factitious Disorder, Malingering, or extreme Personality Disorders. The bottom line:

 • MPD or DID is not a widespread or common disorder despite the insistence of some practitioners and if it does actually exist it is most likely due to a profound neurological illness not a psychiatric condition.

 My main concern with this movie is how it portrays mental illness. I’m not one to go on about mental illness activism, I’m just frankly quite annoyed by the posers that act like they know.

M. Night Shyamalan and all the cast did a wonderful job on the movie, but like all fiction, the facts within it must be taken with a grain of salt.

And this might seem inhuman of me, but I wish they could experience what it is like so they’ll never want to pretend. Mental illness, once again, is always never a good experience.

[ladypenpen]

HK

god i hate everything about this but hey bro thats what first drafts are for

Robin liked flowers. The blossoms coming in all sorts of shapes and sizes and colors- blooming again and again each spring and summer to triumph over the frigid winter. There was a kinship there. She had fought and struggled for her place in this garden among the Shepards and after a brutal campaign and despair and trials they had grown into something truly magnificent.

Robin had always liked flowers. She never imagined they’d take root inside.

The first time the petals fell was the day of her best friends’ wedding.

Robin had left Sumia in the care of Cordelia after doing her best to sooth the frantic bride. Sumia was certain she was going to fall face first on her way up the isle and, while Robin assured her she would be a picture perfect bride, she also gave Sumia a few mental exercises to hopefully keep her focused and alert enough to manage the short journey. 

“Robin, what’ll I do? I don’t want to mess this up! Not in front of everyone- Chrom will be so embarrassed- what if he calls it of! I can’t do this-” Robin finished re-pinning a section of Sumia’s wayward curls and sat her down at the vanity. Cordelia took her place at Sumia’s side, pinning more sections up in an elaborate twist and setting small jeweled combs in it.

“You’ll be fine,” Robin assured as she stepped toward the door. “If you start worrying just look at Chrom- he’s guaranteed to be grinning like a dope the while time. You’ll instantly feel better.” Sumia stopped fretting long enough to catch Robin’s eye in the vanity mirror.

“R-really? You think so?” Robin’s exasperated expression softened and she nodded.

“Are you kidding? I bet he’s pacing a bald patch in the carpet. He’s crazy about you.” Sumia’s clenched hands relaxed, granting mercy to her poor mangled handkerchief. Crisis averted, Robin slipped out and wandered down the hall toward the Prince’s own dressing room.

Passing the reflective mirror-like windows, she caught her own reflection and paused. Her hair, styled and shining in the bright late-spring sunlight; her face, made up and perfect- she hardly recognized herself. Her fingers traced over the smooth layers of the dark chiffon skirt. 

She’d planned on wearing something simple, wanting to avoid too much fuss but was overruled by Maribelle who quickly took over her wardrobe for the event. 

“You can-not be seen at such an event, in such a position, with so little fanfare! Imagine, attending a dear friends wedding in the same attire as one would attend a picnic. Disastrous!” She’d chided before resting her delicate hand on Robin’s arm. “No, no- you just leave everything to me. You’ll be splendid!”

As much as Robin hated to encourage Maribelle’s controlling nature she had to admit- she did excellent work.  Soft, dark layers of chiffon swirled, light and breezy, around her ankles and her bodice: covered in delicate golden threads and patterns- looked like a sea of stars. The shoes were round-tipped and comfortable despite the arching heel, secured by the ribbons climbing up her calves, the small blue stones along the toes glittering against the golden fabric. 

‘Hm,’ Robin appraised herself again. It all felt so surreal. A year ago she’d been lying in a field with no home, no memories- and now she was standing in The Palace on her way to check on her best friend, the gods-blessed Exalt, on his wedding day, dressed in the finest gown she could even imagine wearing. 

Robin felt a bit overwhelmed all of the sudden. She had been so lucky to meet these people. She had been so lucky to find a home here among such good and kind people and her heart filled with incredible gratitude. She blinked furiously, her eyes threatening to overflow.

“Robin. Are you crying already?” She turned with a small gasp, utterly taken by surprise. She hadn’t noticed Frederick’s careful steps approaching. She sniffed and blinked a few more times, trying in vein to stop the tears from falling. 

He pulled a handkerchief from his breast pocket and took her chin in his other hand, tilting her face up toward him fully and gently dabbing at the corners of her eyes. Her lashes fluttered shut at the attention and when she opened them again she saw a gentle smile. “The ceremony hasn’t even started yet.” He turned her face this way and that, checking for any smudges or smears. “Maribelle’s done a lovely job. It would be a shame to ruin it so early in the day.” 

Once Frederick was satisfied by the inspection he picked up a thin velvet box from where he’d rested it on the windowsill. “Speaking of which, she tells me you escaped her clutches early and left these behind,” he opened the lid to reveal sapphire studs in elaborate gold settings and a thin golden chain from which hung a matching pendant. Robin’s newly-dried eyes widened owlishly up at him.

“You can’t be serious. I can’t wear these; what if I lose them!” Frederick only hummed in reply as he lifted the first stud from its bed. 

“Then I imagine Chrom and Sumia will be disappointed. They were chosen specifically for you.” Robin almost jerked away but his solid grip on her shoulder kept her firmly in place.

“What? Why! I’m not the one getting married today.” Fredrick easily threaded the earring in and snapped the backing on before moving onto the next. Robin struggled to ignore his proximity.

“I imagine they wanted to repay some small measure of their gratitude to you.” Second stud in place, he reached at last for the chain. 

“Gratitude? To me?” She couldn’t imagine what for. He leaned forward, arms easily reaching across her shoulders and securing it around her neck.

“Of course. Without you many of our company may not have made it to this day. You’ve been invaluable as a strategist and, dare I say, as a companion. My lord is grateful to have someone he can rely on.” Frederick’s large hands, which had been resting on her shoulders squeezed gently, “As am I.”

A flush crept slowly up her face and Robin hoped the foundation Maribelle had slathered across her face would hide the worst of it. She tried not to feel too disappointed when he took a step back. “Go on, my lord is waiting for you.”

“Y-Yes,” Robin took a few steps forward before turning and blurting, a bit too loudly, “W-we’re lucky to have you, too!” Frederick’s somewhat surprised expression just fueled her flustered state and she scurried down the long hall, desperate to put as much space between them as quickly as possible. She’d never been good with things like this. Battle formations, ambushes, out maneuvering opponents- these were the skills she’d honed. 

But chatting with someone that made her heart race was another battle field entirely. 

Robin ducked around the corner, her breath somewhat labored in the heavy gown and high shoes. “Gods, I must be getting out of shape with all this palace living. I’ll have to start training ag-” A sudden cough caught in her throat. She coughed and hacked and finally, gagging, a handful of vibrant petals fell into her palm.

Their soft faces were white and pristine, if wet, with bright watercolor-like diamonds along the bottom petals. Robin shook, bracing against the wall behind her as she dropped them to the floor. Her chest heaved with the exertion, a tightness squeezing in her chest. 

After a moment the pain and breathlessness passed. She stood carefully, gingerly. She breathed in, lungs filling with only a minor twinge. She’d have to look into it later. 

Today wasn’t the day for mysterious maladies. For now, it seemed the worst of the spell was over and that would have to do for the time being. 

Robin gathered herself and continued down the hall, focused on supporting Chrom through what was sure to be an exciting, if tiring, day.

[praybird]

idk i just think it's really funny how teddy's brother bullied jack in high school so in retaliation, jack decided he's gonna flirt with teddy for the rest of their lives, eventually have a weird situationship with her when they're in their 30's, and then just fucking disappears