#ray did you REALLY want fraser to do that?

[variousqueerthings]

ray straight-up offering to let fraser kill gerrard vs fraser alienating everyone to make sure ray doesn't go after frank zuko.....

there's something...................

[sammaggs]

4x02 Easy Money // 3x01 Burning Down the House // 3x02 Eclipse | Rift

Something that always strikes me about Ray's moment of reconciliation with his father (in a show that might as well be subtitled Fathers Kinda Suck Huh???????) is the way this scene in particular is shot.

They focus especially on Ray's bracelet as he extends his hand:

Which isn't the only time they've focused on Ray's bracelet during Important Character Building. There's of course, his intro in Burning Down the House,

The close-up on the similarity with Marcus Ellory's bracelet in Eclipse,

And a bunch of other moments over seasons 3 and 4 that basically use the bracelet as a quick visual stand-in for "Ray Kowalski's a little bit different."

It’s something Ray Vecchio would never wear; hell, it's something most cops would never wear. It's a little bit, as Ray Kowalski would say, queer.

And so is Ray Kowalski.

The decision to focus on this bracelet during the exact moment he offers his hand to Damian as a peace offering is therefore, to me, worth considering. I personally read this as an indicator that part of the reason for Ray's rift with his father was his queerness.

And the first thing Damian says to Ray after they shake hands?

He compliments Ray’s experimental hair! He mentions another “queer” element of Ray’s physical appearance—one his father has likely given him a lot of grief for—and accepts it. Metaphor!!

It is, of course, understandable that Damian would have wanted better for his son than to be a cop, and this isn't to say that there isn't a world where that might have been enough to cause Damian to lose meaningful touch with his son for a decade. It certainly made sense for Ray Vecchio's father, who was likely involved with low-level mob business. But it does seem pretty extreme for Damian!

There's also the beautiful scene where Ray tells Fraser about his family in the precinct mess. At the very end, it really does look like he has something else he wants to say... but then Huey interrupts.

Now I am, of course, aware that Ray was dating or engaged to Stella at the time he graduated Academy. So what could his queerness possibly have to do with anything?

Well, as much as many of us wish it would, your queerness does not disappear when you enter a straight-passing relationship. I've even seen interesting ruminations in fic that some of the early hardship in Ray and Stella's relationship—remember, they broke up for a while during her college tenure—might have been due to the fact that Ray was interested in (or even caught) experimenting with men.

A personal anecdote, if you'll indulge me: I was in my mid-twenties, four years into a relationship with a man I thought I was going to marry, and tormented constantly by the idea that I was, probably, queer. I had no way of finding out while I was in a committed monogamous relationship. When I told my own mother that I thought I was bisexual, she told me it was all right—but also to never, ever tell my father. Even though I was in a relationship with a man, the knowledge of my queerness would have been enough to potentially cause a rift between my father and I that I don't know if we ever could have repaired. [editor's note: i'm a lesbian now and my dad and I have a stellar relationship ftr but i did have to marry a whole man first so] [editor's note: i am also the editor]

Ray gets caught with a man while Stella is in college? Or Stella knows and tells Ray's mother while they're drunk on wine one night? Or Ray's parents find a magazine... or a photo... or a stamp from the wrong club... anything. There's a million reasons why Ray's queerness could and may have come up even while he was with Stella, even while he was monogamous. Because he was still queer.

I know there's a certain element of "sometimes the curtains are just blue, dude, chill” to all of my meta, but when it comes to this show in particular I very much operate in my analyses from a place of "everything is intentional." Small details really do matter; the way scenes are shot matter, the words that are used matter, there's intentionality behind it all. We can't know or understand authorial intent, of course, but we can read our own interpretation of that intent into it. (The author is dead but Paul Gross thought Callum Keith Rennie was hot, so)

This is, after all, another episode directed by George Bloomfield, who also did Burning Down the House and is responsible for that "love at first sight" moment in Say Amen, so the direction here is in the hands of someone who is clearly in lock-step with Gross around the inclusion of queerness in the latter seasons of the show.

This moment is interesting to me in particular when considering intent because I actually would prefer to see Ray and Damian's faces in this moment! I want to know what Damian is thinking, or if he frowns. I want to know if Ray looks nervous or concerned. We don't see that at all.

Instead of seeing them over the GTO, we get the close-up on the hands and the bracelet over the rebuilt engine.

Rebuilding!! They're doing it.

And that makes my little queer heart pretty happy.

[gayvecchio]

I was inspired by this great post by @pigtailedgirl to share moments that cemented my love for the Fraser/Vecchio pairing.

I really do enjoy watching basically every interaction these two have, no matter how small, so choosing key moments is difficult. But here are a few moments that are never far from my mind and make me want to climb the walls whenever i think about them.

In no particular order...

The diner scene in the pilot where they both talk about their respective fathers. Also, how did Ray know Fraser was there? Was the diner near the consulate? Did Ray just wander around looking for him???

OMGGGG!!! Ray's smile after Fraser tells him he doesn't want him to go. He's so happy that Fraser wants him stay, especially since Fraser has been so depressed (understandably so) and distant in the hospital. The cracks are mending. Their relationship is healing. (So many MOMENTS in this ep -- Ray taking a bullet for Fraser anyone??? Even Stevens?)

This scene. THIS SCENE in Pizza and Promises. Fraser's quiet desperation throughout when the car is sinking and Ray is in the trunk. I think it's the first time we see Fraser really ruffled, scared for someone else, for Ray. He is usually so composed no matter the danger of the situation, but I think that's when he feels in control of it to some degree, which he doesn't here. This time Ray is in danger and it wasn't a part of Fraser's plan. For the first time Fraser is confronted with the idea of losing Ray and realizing that Ray is someone he is terrified to lose.

The way he grips his arm arm here, the intense expression asking if Ray's okay. And then Ray's dazed, smitten little smile when he says "yes." He's used to Fraser being the hero, but this time he is Ray's hero. Maybe he sees a bit of what I do in Fraser's expression, sees just how important he really is to Fraser.

This was the moment that made me whisper "oh, no!" to myself because I knew I'd never be the same. I knew I was becoming lost to the Fraser/Vecchio void and there was no way back.

This one is not strictly a F/V scene, but yes it is. Because I still not and will never be convinced that this whole conversation in Heaven & Earth isn't about Ray being in love with Fraser. And the fact that Fraser is there eavesdropping!!! (never getting that merit badge back now, Benny).

I've ranted about this before and I'm sure I will again, but Ray's behavior in this whole episode just make no sense to me unless he is jealous. The whole speech about Ray being afraid to dream and reach out for what he wants and FRASER'S RIGHT THERE, so close but impossible to touch.

Fraser running after Ray in the style of many classic romantic heroes before him. COME ON!

North is like god-tier F/V goodness from start to finish, but this moment with Ray carrying Fraser over his shoulder while SINGING AND DANCING is an absolute highlight. Insane behavior, 10/10. Perhaps, Ray is just thrilled to be so close to Fraser's butt despite the circumstances.

Fraser and Ray doing their grocery shopping together is so special to me.

I'll end this with the scene from bdth. I have nothing to say. I'm sobbing too hard. Anyway, I think it speaks for itself. Even my mother could see that they were in love.

I have to cut myself off here otherwise this post will be a mile long. Even now I am thinking of so many other moments that I adore. I guess that's how I know how much I love them, every moment seems special. I didn't pick any of the smaller, sillier moments, like Fraser being offended by Ray running stop signs or running over saplings, or 'She shot you in the hat?' but I love those infinitely as well. That's the thing about Fraser and Vecchio, they work on every level, from the absurd to the devastating. Paul Gross and David Marciano's acting and chemistry carry every interaction and facet of the Fraser/Vecchio relationship so well that I can't help but enjoy every moment they're on screen together.

[pigtailedgirl]

Expanding on Good For The Soul, and the question of what Fraser's motive is.

I said elsewhere before, but what strikes me as difficult to reconcile in the episode is the idea that Fraser suddenly can't stand to see the injustice of the busboy getting slapped and it being ignored by both public and system. By Warfield himself.

Fraser is not that naive.

And he normally operates in understanding that not everyone follows the same tenets or ideals he does. And that when he pushes, it’s usually to help.

But not here.

He judges and tries to shame Warfield. He tries to shame the public. He judges the 27th for not thinking this is big enough to pursue. He judges everyone subtly for their fear or their letting this mob power win. On pure principle alone.

Did he believe the obligation to get what would've amounted to fake apology without the unintended escalation was actually justice? Or is it, as he says, about a first pillar of not letting that enemy's belief system win? As he was down with the 27th going hard in the club to support him finally at end, no matter the skirting of legality in that part, it seems Fraser is looking for a fight for Christmas.

He wanted more than justice; He wanted to beat back the idea of intimidation of the mobster.

He doggedly pursues not to right the wrong, to really tackle the actual offence, and not to champion the busboy or restore the old man's desire to stand, but his own.

It's interesting in context of: Why now Fraser? Why this one for you?

A mobster he didn’t see coming.

Why, when in an episode that this one heavily references The Deal , he understood and sympathized with the nuance of and fear of inability. Or the grief of in Juliet is Bleeding.

And I think that comparison keys into the answer.

Because Fraser no longer wants to accept inability or fear of or not being a hero who stands against that mob power. Or imagine himself or someone having to do it alone.

As Ray Vecchio did for Joey Paducci outside in The Deal. As Fraser did outside in Juliet is Bleeding. Here is the third turn. Here is a bully mobster and a lonely Christmas Fraser who wants to believe you don’t have to be alone in believing the ideal is worth it.

This scenario is playing on a fear of his commitment to the ideal hurts worse than the slap to the face taken or beat down encore.

That say, someone out there alone facing down the mob might also lose or break to that system or have justice fail to keep good too.

Ahhhhh as they say.

So Fraser faces this stand-in in place.

Fraser’s unfortunately having to do it sans Ray Vecchio who would have never let Fraser take on Warfield himself or left him alone at that club.

Though Fraser finally gets a measure of comfort and closure as Ray Kowalski and the 27th pick up the support by end, closing what the 27th couldn’t do in Juliet is Bleeding in it’s own griefs and cop justice vices. Here they apologize and come to support him and we close that family loop like he finds some comfort in Bob's Christmas gift.

[flownwrong]

release, revolve, renew (due South fic)

Fraser/Kowalski + Vecchio/Stella, rated G; 3396 words

Summary: "You see someone every day for long enough, you think they never change. And then it's just—glimpses, and when you get a chance to look, they're a different person."

A/N: Written for @feroxargentea as part of @duesouthseekritsanta 2024. Thanks to @gueule for second opinion and support on this one!

read on AO3

About half an hour into their second date, Stella's eyebrows draw together and her eyes narrow for just a moment, but it's enough for Ray to swallow the rest of what he was saying. "I—Sorry. Was it something I said?"

"What?" she asks, distracted despite staring right at him.

"You looked—nevermind." He puts his fork down and reaches for his drink. The restaurant he picked is classy, but not obnoxiously so. He's had enough of lavish rooms used as extra muscle, of reaching for obscene bills to prove you're the one in control. It's easy to tell work stories here, Fraser stories. Like slowly shaking off a shell until he can recognize himself.

She recovers quickly and gracefully, mirrors him and picks up her wine, gives him the kind of smile that makes it clear he's not in on the joke. He wants to see it again and again, a hundred times.

"No, go on," she says, watching him over the rim of her glass, not quite assessing. "You have a good voice."

He preens, unable to hide it. Just two weeks back, he wouldn't have guessed any of it. He feels good, hopeful, for the first time in—too long to remember.

It's only later, unpacking at the new apartment, that he learns what that was all about.

"When are you gonna tell Kowalski?" he asks, carefully fishing out wine glasses from between packing chips.

Stella snorts. "You're good at delegating, aren't you?"

Ray shrugs. "I know squat about him, you've spent a decade married to the guy."

"Exactly. You know, the way you talk about Fraser—put some things into perspective for me," Stella says, gathering her hair up. "You talked about him a lot, back when you took me out the first couple times."

"You don't like him much, do you?" he asks, and she looks surprised. Hey, not like she's the only sharp one here. She hums in a way he's learned means let's get back to this later. "He was—he's my best friend," he says. Now that she's pointed it out, it's suddenly urgent to him that she knows it, the way Fraser gets under your skin, the way he just happens to you until you're changed by it. The way you don't want to let go.

"I know. It wasn't about Fraser. Or you, really," she says, and he doesn't know whether to be offended. She stares thoughtfully into the open cupboard. "I just don't think Ray—Ray Kowalski—anyway, it's not important. Write Fraser a letter." She elbows him out of the way, picks up the glasses and starts carefully arranging them on the shelves. "Bet you a hundred Ray's gonna read it too."

Ray feels like he's missing something here, but he also knows there's no danger in conceding this. She isn't gonna keep whatever she means from him for long. She takes her time taking things apart in her head; Ray likes it about her, that thoughtful focus, the need to get it right. She gets Vegas right, and that's more than he'd thought to ask for.

*

It's a lucky thing, really, that when the call comes at the Vecchio house, Ray is the one to pick up.

"Hello, Ray," Fraser says, so antsy the wire does nothing to hide it, and Ray did not expect this at all.

"Benny! It's good to hear your voice," he says, with a vague sense of déjà vu, hearing the confusion in his own words.

"And yours, Ray. I, well—"

"Raimundo!" Ma calls from the table, so loud he can barely hear Fraser over it. "Who is it?"

"Hang on a minute," to Fraser. "Fraser!" to Ma, covering the phone with his hand.

"Oh! Oh, how is he doing? When does he get back? Ask him—"

"I don't know," he yells, louder, "and I won't know unless you let me talk to him!"

"Well, tell him to come to dinner! Both of them!"

"Jesus! I will! Now let me talk!" He takes his hand off the phone. "Sorry, Fraser. You know how it is."

He hears loud snickering, clearly not Fraser's. Fraser makes a vague shushing noise. "Please tell Mrs Vecchio I'm very grateful for her rather, ah, enthusiastic invitation"—Ray snorts—"and that we'll be looking forward to that dinner."

It takes a few seconds for it to sink in: Fraser is coming back. With Kowalski. He was almost ready to bet on the opposite, on not seeing either of them for at least a few years, and now the presumption feels awkward.

"So," he says, "who did you want to talk to?"

"Well, you, Ray. I did call your house, didn't I?"

Shit, Fraser didn't really keep up to date up there. "You didn't get my letter, did you?"

"Oh—well, I suppose we did have to make some swift changes in our route near the end, and given the short notice, it's only natural that the post offices could not keep up, really—"

"Yeah, yeah," Ray waves him off. "I'll tell you when you get here. When do you get here, anyway?"

"Friday at four." An awkward pause. "I was actually calling to ask if you can pick us up, at the airport."

Ray is confused for a minute. Kowalski can drive—that much he has evidence of, what with his car being pretty successfully driven into a lake—and would probably insist on driving. Then he places the feeling of déjà vu, of talking to Fraser about airports and trains from far away, and feels so relieved he could break into song. "Jesus. Of course. I'll be there."

*

He finds a spot to park, pops his sunglasses on against the May sun glare and heads inside. He's early, and he's nervous. This feels like a do-over, and it's the first time he lets himself consider where he and Fraser stand now. He's not very successful. But hey, after all, he's here because Fraser asked.

It's Kowalski he sees first at the baggage claim, though, and Kowalski spots him right back, his shoulders squared defensively, a sight so oddly familiar it's impossible to miss. Fraser bends his head close to Kowalski's to be heard over the hum of the crowd and the loudspeakers, and he can practically hear the be reasonable tone Fraser uses that only makes you want to become more unreasonable. He shakes his head and gets up to meet them.

Fraser gives him a bear hug, and Kowalski doesn't bite his head off on the spot, actually thanks him for coming.

"Where can I drop you off?" he asks, starting the car.

"My place," Kowalski says, short, and throws a quick sideways glance at Fraser where he's crammed next to him in the backseat.

Ray nods and meets Fraser's eyes in the mirror. "Benny?"

"Oh, well," Fraser says and trails off, playing with the hem of the Stetson.

"I meant both of us," Kowalski says in a tone he probably thinks sounds gruff and holds Ray's gaze, expectant.

Ray shrugs, makes a mental note to tell Stella and pulls out of the parking lot. He feels like a gossiping schoolgirl and finds he doesn't mind. "Cool. Now if you're done shooting lasers outta your eyes, some directions would be nice."

*

"How is he?" Stella calls from the bathroom. Ray puts down the thin stack of house listings she printed out for him and looks at her in the mirror, watches her fingers as she swipes some cream on the tender skin under her eyes.

"Which one?" he asks, partly because he doesn't know, partly to get a rise out of her.

"Well, which one were you so wound up about?"

He gives it a serious thought. "Fine, I guess. Good. Both of them." It's unpleasant to admit he can't quite tell more than that. Fraser has never been too easy to read, but with Kowalski nearby and the whole world rearranging itself since they were actually close, Ray is less than fluent. "Why don't you come with? To Ma's dinner. You can judge for yourself."

Stella snorts and screws the lid back on the jar. "Like I can get out of it. No, I like knowing what you think."

"I think you need to come to bed. Gonna complain about not getting enough sleep tomorrow anyway."

"Shut up," she mumbles, warm and already halfway to asleep as she rests her head in the crook of his elbow.

*

Next time he sees Fraser, Ray's sitting on Welsh's couch, waiting for Stella to get out of whatever fiasco Fraser must've created to warrant her presence at the station in the first place.

"So, uh, does this mean Fraser's back to work?" he asks, when the i's are mostly dotted in his own retirement plans and Welsh gives him a hearty handshake.

Welsh sits back and stares at him like he's an idiot. "I would imagine so. Otherwise I have a vigilante running around with one of my detectives and a demotion coming. Don't you two talk?"

That stings a bit. "We, uh, haven't had a chance to catch up lately."

Welsh gives him a look that clearly says cut the crap and get on it.

He shrugs. "It's been a busy few months."

That's when he sees Fraser and Kowalski walk in, and he can't hear them through the door and the noise of the bullpen, but it's obvious Kowalski's worked up, hands flailing, getting right in Fraser's face. Fraser's playing the long-suffering card, and whatever they're arguing about, Ray definitely gets Kowalski here. But then Kowalski's face is white, not flushed from all the ranting, and he puts his hand on Fraser's shoulder and keeps it there even after he's given him a good shake, so maybe Ray doesn't get all of it.

"What did he do this time?" he asks Welsh, eyes still following them around the room.

"If I had to bet, I'd say our fair Constable either apprehended someone he shouldn't have, or ignored someone he should."

Ray nods. "And he still doesn't carry a gun."

"And he still doesn't carry a gun."

The door opens unceremoniously, and Stella walks in, tired and annoyed. "Lieutenant," she says, "I'd be grateful if next time you try to explain to Ray that not everything Constable Fraser says or does should be immediately followed by an arrest".

Ray chooses the monologue as cover to slip out of the office and find Fraser. Kowalski's wandered off, so he jumps at the opportunity. "Hey Benny," he says, "got any plans for tomorrow evening?"

"Not that I can recall," Fraser says, beaming. "What did you have in mind?"

Ray hesitates. "Whatever you're up for. Can't remember the last time you hung around for more than ten minutes at a time."

Fraser opens his mouth and closes it a couple times before he finds his words. "I'm sorry if I've given you the impression—that is—"

Ray has mercy on him. "Yeah, yeah, Kowalski couldn't spare you, could he? I get it."

Fraser looks genuinely offended, but Ray suspects it's not directed at him. "Well, he can definitely 'spare me' tomorrow. And he'll have Diefenbaker to keep him company."

"What, the wolf too good to hang out with the old gang now?" Ray laughs.

"Well, no, but he and Ray are going to see—a car exhibit."

"A car show? How come you aren't invited?"

"Oh," Fraser says, pursing his lips, "apparently, Diefenbaker appreciates it more."

Ray snickers. "Kowalski said that?"

Fraser actually sighs. "Well, Diefenbaker didn't deem it important to tell me himself, did he now?"

Ray shakes his head. "Never change, Benny."

He sees Stella emerge from the office and raise her eyebrows at him.

"Look, I gotta head out. I'll call you about tomorrow, okay?"

"I'm looking forward to it, Ray," Fraser says with genuine pleasure.

Ray watches him cross the room to Kowalski's desk, place a hand on Kowalski's neck, sees Kowalski close his eyes for a moment and roll his head, working out a kink Ray knows you get after about five minutes of staring at the papers. The gesture is familiar—he does that with Stella all the time.

"Home," Stella demands, "come on, stop gawking," and drags him out by the elbow.

"Home," he agrees.

*

He and Fraser end up stuffing their faces with burgers and shooting some pool. Fraser downs a beer, too, and Ray imagines him and Kowalski doing this up north, in some homey place in a city of several hundred, on their way back from the tundra—how else would he get Fraser to relax this much?

Fraser talks some about going back to work, a lot about Canada, and an uncomfortable amount about Kowalski. Not directly, but the guy is ever-present in the background of every anecdote, every plan Fraser mentions. It finally hits Ray, what Stella was getting at. He makes a mental note to ask if he sounded like this to her—but no, the clue was the fact that he didn't. It wasn't about you, really. Fraser doesn't just mention Kowalski a lot. He talks like he has never not known him, never been alone, which Ray knows couldn't be further from the truth. He talks about Kowalski like that's where he belongs. And he's back in Chicago. Ray guesses that's that and returns the favor.

"So, uh, about that letter."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Ray. If it was in my power—"

"Benny, shut up and let me finish." He drains the rest of his second bottle. "So, Stella and I are getting married in August. And, uh, we're looking at houses. In Florida."

Fraser doesn't miss a beat. "Well, Ray, that's wonderful! Congratulations to you and Ms Kowalski—or, ah, I suppose that's not the appropriate address anymore."

Ray narrows his eyes. "You don't like her much, do you?"

Fraser tugs on his ear. "Ms Kowalski is a woman worthy of great respect and admiration, and I'm sure you're well-suited for each other." Which is a very roundabout way of saying I'm happy for you, but I don't get it at all. Ray kind of gets the sentiment. He's always found Stella's coldness towards Fraser curious, but now, when he knows it's returned, the common denominator is obvious.

"Hey, same to you and Kowalski. Jury's still out on admiration, though." Fraser doesn't blush, but his eyes go wide. Ray shrugs. "C'mon, Benny. It's not a state secret," he says, like the pieces didn't fall into place for him two minutes ago.

Fraser clears his throat, twice, but the corners of his mouth curl up. "Are you planning to join the department in Florida, then?" he asks and reaches for the check, clearly for something to do with his hands. Ray relaxes into his seat and lets him get it, figures Fraser owes him for not doing this whole hanging out thing sooner.

"Nah," Ray says, shrugging. "I think I've paid my dues with the force. It's been great. Some parts more than others." He gives Fraser a meaningful look, watches him smile.

"In that case—it's been a pleasure, Ray," he says and reaches his hand out for an actual handshake. Jesus. Ray rolls his eyes.

"Come on, I'm not saying goodbye. You'd better come see us down in Miami. We'll have enough room for two more."

Fraser grins, like he can't help it, then frowns immediately. "Should I, ah, tell Ray, or..." He trails off, awkward as ever when it comes to navigating tempers and touchy subjects. Ray has to admit he isn't feeling any more confident.

"Nah, Benny. Leave it to Stella. It's their business more than yours—or mine, you know?"

Fraser nods solemnly. Ray gives him a wink.

*

"It was good. He's good." Ray says, chopping the carrots. "It's weird, you know. Not that I don't know him anymore, just"— he shrugs—"different."

Stella hums absently and reaches across the kitchen island to pick up a piece of carrot. "You see someone every day for long enough, you think they never change," she says between bites. "And then it's just—glimpses, and when you get a chance to look, they're a different person."

He looks at her, head bent, reading glasses sliding down her nose, papers spread in a wide half-circle in front of her. Bare legs under the hem of her skirt, one crossed over the other, right foot swinging mindlessly. He's only been seeing her every day for a couple of months, and he does kind of think she will never change, not in a way where one day he looks up and doesn't recognize her.

"Not completely different," he says, adding the carrots to the pan.

Stella looks at him sharply over her glasses. "No, not completely."

*

Dinner is dinner. Doesn't matter what they're celebrating, it's always loud, and Ray doesn't know what half of the guests are doing there, and it takes two wine glasses to get the pinched expression off Stella's face.

When it gets too stuffy for him to handle the table anymore, he comes out on the back porch, and there Kowalski is, sitting on the steps, beer in hand, shoulders down and relaxed for once.

Ray sits down next to him. Kowalski gives him a look he can't quite read. Nowhere near hostile, though. "So," he says. "Florida, huh?"

"Chicago, huh?" Ray returns, smiling.

Kowalski looks down and is silent for a long time, long enough for Ray to groan internally and write the conversation off as a failure. But Kowalski says, "It's queer, you know. We didn't—have a whole thing about it. Just got two tickets, and that was that."

Ray nods. He already got how whipped Fraser is, but it still comes as a bit of a surprise that it was that easy, with Kowalski wound tighter than a spring when the Muldoon case went down.

"It's harder being friends with him when you're not running around trying to protect his ass, you know," Ray offers.

Kowalski snickers. "You say it like it's easy when you are."

"Well," Ray says, takes a second to think, "he can't be anything else, can he? At least when you're there all the time, you know. You know each other."

"Yeah," Kowalski says. "Guess so." He's staring into space, chewing on his nail, and Ray guesses it took way longer than it should have for him and Fraser to get where they stood.

"Oh, hey." Kowalski perks up, reaches into his back pocket. He gives Ray a slip of paper with some numbers in wonky block capitals.

"This better not be a shrink," Ray says, unfolding it, and Kowalski snorts, then suddenly looks down and scratches the back of his neck, bashful.

"Nah. At the show the other week, this guy—anyway, since I crashed your ride and all... well, call it. And, uh, call me if you need a hand with it."

Ray blinks in disbelief. At this point, he figured keeping a Riv was more trouble than it's worth. "Well, shit. Never expected you to be this sentimental."

Kowalski starts to smile, slow and delighted. "That's because you're not running around trying to protect my ass all day."

And then there's Fraser's voice calling out from somewhere in the house—"Ray!"—and when Kowalski turns his whole body instinctively at the sound, eyes bright, there can be no mistake whose name it is.

When it's finally dusk, and the air is getting too cold for lingering in the yard, Ray goes back in. The house is mostly empty and it's just Ma and him and a couple of late guests he isn't sure he recognizes passing him by in the hallway with goodbyes. The radio is on in the kitchen, slow notes, quiet strumming, and he can hear Stella hum softly over the quiet clinking of dishes and water splashing.

In the dark, finally empty living room to his left, he catches movement out of the corner of his eye, and when he turns to look, there's Benny, shuffling around slowly in an approximation of a dance, Kowalski's blond head on his shoulder, arms around each other.

He watches them for a moment, barely illuminated by the hallway light, then turns away and goes to help Stella with the dishes. He figures they've all got nothing but time.

[marley-manson]

due South for the fandom ask meme, if you haven't been asked already <3

Thank you 💖

my favorite female character

I honestly can't decide between Victoria and Frannie. I loooove Victoria, I think she's a fantastic villain, very sympathetic imo, and extremely effective at highlighting Fraser's tragic flaws. And I love that she got away in the end.

I also adore Frannie and while she's less of a perfectly written character, she's in more episodes and she's so endearing and loveable. If we had to have a Fraser het ship teased in season 2 I wish it had been Fraser/Frannie rather than Fraser/Thatcher, both because I like Frannie more and would've loved to see more of her before season 3, and because I think it would've been more interesting thematically. In the episode Heaven and Earth she functionally represents Earth and Fraser's capacity to be more human and less "divine" or untouchable, and I love that.

my favorite male character

Ray Vecchio! I love him, I love the way he talks and complains and feels like everything is unfair to him and always steps up and puts his own comfort second anyway; I love his relationship with his family, from the good heartwarming stuff, to the bitchy sibling stuff, to the darker abusive father who still literally haunts him stuff; I love his fashion sense; I love his sheer loyalty to Fraser; I love that in the Pilot he sought Fraser out specifically to apologize for accidentally being insensitive about his father and invite him to dinner; I love his ridiculous love for his car and that he sacrificed it twice for Fraser... nothing I don't love tbh.

my favorite book/season/etc

Season 1, hands down. Extremely solid television right there.

my favorite episode (if its a tv show)

SO hard to choose between The Deal and Victoria's Secret, but I think Ray's episode gets the edge so let's go with The Deal.

my favorite cast member

I don't really know anything about the cast so idk.

my favorite ship

Fraser/RayV. Ship of my heart. I can read basically any ship featuring Ray, including het even, but Ray loves Fraser best therefore Ray/Fraser is the best ship.

a character I’d die defending

Ray. Thankfully the Ray Wars are over so I don't have to, but I'm ngl I can understand why the fandom was so batshit back then. I see someone casually say they can't ship F/V because they see him as too straight and Kill Bill sirens go off in my head and I have to take a deep breath lol. I would not have survived the 90s.

Also Victoria though. Fraser dug his own grave when he didn't let her go the first time, acab, obviously spending 10 years in prison would make her both a better criminal and angry that's what you fucking get for loving the system so much Fraser, and I'm on her side during the whole finale lol.

a character I just can’t sympathize with

One of Due South's biggest strengths is making just about every character sympathetic in some way. Ray's dad was a good answer to this though, got no sympathy there.

Ooh, also: Bob Fraser. The show did want me to sympathize with him at times lol, but I don't. He sucks, he's emblematic of every flaw Fraser has, he's a terrible father and a pretty shitty person, and the fact that the show wanted me to like him and often brushes all that aside makes me dislike him more than I otherwise might. He's still often entertaining and funny, but I do not have any sympathy for him. Hope Caroline divorces him in the afterlife.

a character I grew to love

Idk, most of my character opinions have been static since I first watched the show in high school...

Okay, Ian lol. The most annoying man in the world, but still somehow loveable. It did take me at least one rewatch to start to like him.

my anti otp

Sorry to the fandom lol but it is Fraser/Ray K. I got into the show specifically for them, because I wanted to read all the good fic everyone recced everywhere, and I did everything I could to try to like them including watching season 3 concurrently with season 2 so missing Ray V wouldn't colour my opinions, but it just didn't happen. They are not for me, they don't have the kind of chemistry I enjoy, I don't like the show after season 2 much in general, and my irrational love for Ray V makes me mad on his behalf to see Fraser getting together with his replacement lol.

I'm not usually that emotion driven when it comes to my fandom interests but due south is always kind of an exception there. I am at least self aware enough to find my irrational resentment funny rather than taking it seriously though. Like, I have 0 beef with F/K shippers, I respect your interests and I can definitely see why it was a fandom juggernaut back in its day. I'll just never read it.

ask meme

[kuwdora]

For the vidding asks: 10, 12, 21!

10 What was the best comment you've received on one of your vids?

Let me tell you about a comment that fundamentally rattled my soul to the core and made me extremely hyper-vigilant, but eventually I got less rattled by it and absorbed it into my creative process because it was so incredibly helpful for me and made me a better vidder.

I made this due South Fraser/RayK vid in 2007, it was my second ever vid I was trying to make. It's called Better Off. If you look at my original vid notes I wrote like 500 words talking about how much I hate I my vid. How much it sucks, how it’s awful. How I was apologizing for it and basically giving up on the vid. The whole self-flagellating nine yards. I got a lot of great feedback on it, like over 20 comments, so despite me hating my own vid of new hobby I was learning to do, people fucking loved it.

HERE is the comment thread that changed my life. Where j-s-cavalcante kindly said the greatest most wonderful things to me but also made me go 👀:

I wish you hadn't waxed eloquent on the subject of how bad this vid is, because now I feel like an idiot posting this comment: I LOVED it. It makes me think, it scares me, it makes me see DS in a slightly different way, and it's fascinating with ALL those action scenes and blink-and-you'll-miss-it moments. And, OMG, Dangerous!Fraser is freaking me out a little, here, and making me want to write, and that's one of the best things I think vids do for me. I find the good ones inspiring. I don't think anyone has quite dealt with this issue in a vid before, certainly not in this depth. But the idea that Fraser is deliberately risking Ray's life in these "wildly bizarre ways" for some unknown, maybe pathological, reason of his own is…scary and believable and intense! The use of so many of their action scenes all cut together so quickly is really, really effective in getting the point across. The song is cool and it inspired shivers up my back. Wow. (It also brings Speranza's "Wildly Dangerous Ways" (http://www.trickster.org/speranza/WDWays.html) to mind--one of my all-time favorite F/K fics.) And you did something so clever that I really loved…I'm not sure if I can express it properly, but there are a few clips that seem very obvious choices for the lyrics in question, such as the shot of Damian Kowalski on the " who's your daddy?" line and the scenes from Ray's messy apartment on the "I'll be hiding in your dirty room" line (there are more---"I'll not wake you," and the airport lines, etc.). And when those scenes show up matched to those lines, they seem like too-facile choices, but then in the very next line+clip combination, you reinterpret them: "I'm your daddy now" has Fraser holding the heavy bag for Ray, and so on. I found that very effective and just…intelligent. I think it's an intelligent vid. But you say it sucks, so I guess I don't know any better. I'll just live in blissful ignorance…and play it for writing inspiration…. :)

Dear asker, friend. @marahsarie. I want you to know that when I made this due South fanvid I was 100% sure in my belief that I was making a happy, intense adventure vid. Wholesome. Action. My beta sapote at the time was trying to say the same things j-s-cavalcante was saying but I was not grasping it. So when I read j-s’s comment I lost my goddamn mind. How could I have failed to understand what the fuck I was making? How other people might see it?? I was embarrassed and confused and and and...then I got it.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii...didn’t realize that the song I was using was the singer was about a cult leader. But because this song was about a cult leader and that was the reading that people who watched the vid were taking away from it... everyone lost their minds. It was a darker interpretation of Benton Fraser than anyone had ever seen in a vid before. Pathological? Fraser? In my vid? I guess it's more likely than I thought.

I stewed and chewed on this comment and reviewed my 300 emails I exchanged with sapote to understand what the fuck I was thinking when I heard the lyrics and how I made something so different than what I thought I was making. I wrote over 2k words about song choice and what I learned, which you can check out here if you want to see what thinking about song choice was like so early in my vidding experience.

That comment was so full of love, it was supportive, and specific and surprising. It meant the world to me. It made me think about how to intentionally approach a song, try to understand what the song is or might be about based on the song lyrics themselves, the singer’s confirmation of the song meaning, and what other people might interpret a song as. I also started thinking about how and when I will want to vid with or against specific song narratives and how I could make a vid successful in the process depending on what I did to make my case. Whether it was with symbolism or metaphor or technical efforts. Sometimes I still end up with happy accidents (as well as intentional horror, hahh) and there is always the possibility of more unintentional accidents and horrors because my brain is very squishy. I'm still human and I've fucked up before and will probably fuck up again but I will try to do my to know what's going on in what I make.

Truly that was the best comment ever. It really really helped me think critically about my work and how others might approach it even when I do or don't know what they might see. And it was just so kind and nice and reassuring and it really got me excited to make more vids after that, too.

— 12 Most underrated vid that you wished had gotten more views?

My Maya Herrara vid from Heroes! Racist fans were fucking awful about Maya as portrayed by Dania Ramirez. Fuckshit racists. The Heroes writers wrote the most racist shit, too, and did her character a great fucking disservice. It was awful. I’m still fucking pissed about it. You can read my extensive notes about Maya I wrote at the time on the original vidpost.

I loved Maya and wanted to vid her. Even though I wish the show Wasn’t Like That. I wish that she had something better, I wish that actress had something better, too. I loved her so much and I wanted more of her. I love her and I'll probably cry again the next time I rewatch the show. I don’t know if Heroes fandom people ever watched my vid back in the day since it wasn't the main Slash Pairing. I made this vid in 2008 and it has like 18 views on YouTube so here we are. I love Maya. She deserved better.

— 21 How would you describe your vidding style?

My vidding style is passionate, earnest, irreverent. It’s also unhinged, deeply fucked up. I love utilizing internal motion in clips to create a sense of movement and use that energy with the musicality of songs. I’m also inordinately gleeful about vidding fucked up themes and sources and can’t bring myself to be apologetic about it. But I’m equally unhinged with my love and joy for the wholesome characters and shows I make fanvids for, too. I don’t know if I come off as balanced or anything but. I always approach my vids with love (for the show, the characters, the vidding process, the creative catharsis, etc).

Thank you kindly for these lovely asks!!!

[thefancyspin]

Writing Asks Meme

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

188

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

533, 435

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Too many to name but mainly hawaii five 0, eastenders, emmerdale, skam and due south.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

the blind side (mcdanno)

breathe for two (mcdanno)

outside the lines (mcdanno)

safe at anchor (mcdanno)

tell me with your body (skam)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do! Even though I don't always have anything worthwhile to say, I try and reply to them all to say thank you and let people know how much I appreciate it. Sometimes I forget or I miss a few but I try!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

There is here at the wayside which is ben/callum in an imagined affair era. My soaps fandoms are probably the only ones I've written angsty endings for haha

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

There are so many, too many to mention. I much prefer happier endings haha.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

nah, only some dumb comments from the infamous 'ds anon'who doesn't like ray kowalski.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I have more recently, and a few PWPs but I fail at writing anything without feelings.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

No, I've never done any crossovers. But I don't read them very much either so. Not really my thing.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't believe so?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! I've had a few translated into Chinese, Russian, and Italian. I think that's all?

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I did co-write a story in the jongens fandom, called Count on Me. It was a very strange but lovely experience!

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

It's difficult to choose between mcdanno, and fraser/ray k. I love ballum and robron, too, but the others endure through so much. definitely my otps.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't have any WIPS that I've posted but I have a ton of unfinished stories in my documents. a due south au, a midsomer murder futurefic and an sga fic that I particularly like all of but I just can't write any more. hopefully it will come back one day.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and turns of phrase.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptive passages and setting up scenes.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I've done it before but usually only a word here and there, not big blocks. I'd have to talk to a native speaker about it, and get a good beta, if I was doing that.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I think it was Harry Potter.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

I'm a fan of outside the lines and like to reread it now and then!

I just tagged myself in this meme haha and welcome any one to do the same if you feel like it

[theboost]

Can’t bring myself to watch the finale of due south, so for the two people who are interested, here are my thoughts from when I was watching through

Due South insanity moment where vecchio gives a long speech to his sister in which he tells her to stay away from fraser because she’ll only get hurt and guys like fraser won’t even notice and then she responds by telling him that he’s afraid to dream. How am I supposed to take this

Obsessed with Fraser having a sleepover with his childhood hockey bestie. I think they should practice kissing with each other. I’m such a gay fraser truther I’m sorry but id take him and random hockey guy over him and Victoria

I think paul gross just has a resting smirk which is something you don’t see too often but it’s really making this funeral scene unintentionally humorous. Buddy you couldn’t muster a frown. I hate you Paul Gross, you live action Disney prince. That is a term that gets thrown around a lot but it’s true for him

100 percent still a gay fraser truther. Why are they having romantical ten- SORRY LIEUTENANT THATCHER JUST HIT HIM WITH A DAMN BITCH YOU LIVE LIKE THIS- romantical tension between fraser and thatcher. I don’t like it. She’s so mean to him all the time. He needs to get with a real man like Ray. I don’t really think you can put a guy like fraser in a relationship with his superior officer the chain of command would fuck him up. But they just keep mashing them together like Barbie dolls. I don’t get it. Also I kind of don’t like Francesca I’m sorry women…

“Ray, get in the closet” “Benny, get out of the closet” real dialogue. I don’t even need to make the joke. “I was in the closet with detective vecchio” I could end it all

Are we really doing another season finale where they’re getting framed by someone who one of them put in prison who recently go out and now seeks revenge. I guess if it ain’t broke. Okay so it’s not a season finale arc but still. It’s weird that it happened twice

CAN WE STOP PUTTING POOR GAY BOY FRASER - henceforth referred to as gayser when he is into situations wherein I want to emphasize his homosexuality - IN FORCED STRAIGHT SITUATIONS LIKE I KNOW THAT HE DOESNT WANT TO PLAY DOMESTICITY WITH FRANNIE. And she really needs to get with a woman

Girl a clip show for the season 2 finale? Come now. Also this is why starsky and hutch will always be a show made to hatecrime the watcher while due south uplifts you, because starsky and hutch did the amnesia plot line but hutch faked it. Because he’s insane.

“Alone we’re incomplete” truly insane thing to say about your best friend. Season 2 has really solidified by theory that ray is an out gay man to himself and no one else and he performs heterosexuality as a cover and gayser is just really truly deeply closeted because there were no gay people in a 100 kilometer radius growing up in the yukon. Also “benny, I could kiss you” “I thought we were just friends, ray” “we are” hello??? Hello???

Okay what the hell is going on with Ray K. You weren’t lying. 2 episodes in and he’s asking if Fraser thinks he’s attractive.

“All women are our sisters” I LOVE YOU FRASER. FEMINIST LEGEND.

I still gayser truth of course but as far as love interests go I don’t mind this bounty hunter milf

I don’t love that ghost dad was made a main character I liked him more when he would randomly pop up and I think they use him too much but I do love his little office set. And I do love that ghost dad is a character that exists

I don’t really care for the fact that one of kowalski’s defining traits is his love of police brutality. Come on due south. You used to understand that police violence is bad

I’ll be honest this is one of the first American based shows I’ve seen that promotes the idea of Canadian exceptionalism. And like it wasn’t initially like this as, see my last point, due South used to know and show that both the Chicago police and the mounties were corrupt, with Fraser being the worlds most special guy, but later seasons are like “all Mounties are inherently virtuous supermen”

Detective Huey and Fraser narrative foils in that both of them lost their first gay partner and then proceeded to get even gayer with their second partner. I do love Huey. And Dewey’s strange ways bewitch me I think he should hook up with turnbull

Women love to ask Fraser if they can trust him and then kiss him. Non_threatening_boys.jpg

Whenever Scott Bakula sings on quantum leap I cheer and clap like a seal and whenever paul gross sings I shriek and cover my eyes and say kill yourself

Every subplot to Mountie Sings the Blues makes me so happy I love huey and deweys stupid ass country song and I actually think Francesca/Turnbull is cute I’ve actually been hoping they would do it

I’m so sad due south got canceled right after the Fraser sister reveal I want so many more episodes with them hanging out

One thing about Fraser is that his love interest will be a brunette woman. Frannie, Victoria, Thatcher, milf bounty hunter and- sorry I looked up the poker episode to remember if the poker chick was brunette and sure enough

[jvstheworld]

Due South Re-watch: part 4. The end of the pilot episode.

Finally coming to the end of this and on the last 2 pages of my notes. Yay.

•Firstly let’s talk about the landscape shots because damn they look good. The cinematography is really well done. You do get a sense of how vast and open the Territories in Canada are. It’s such a stark contrast with how Chicago looks (even though the show was filmed in Toronto). In Chicago everything looks cramped and chaotic with too many people and too much noise, but when Fraser is home it’s quiet, serene, and he’s the only one there for miles. I can see the appeal. 

•So we finally get some exposition about what’s been going on. Basically the government backed dam had a flaw in it. It couldn’t hold all the water it was supposed to. To rectify this they periodically let water out to flood the land, but this kills a lot of the wildlife that lives there, hence why they had all died and/or disappeared. A few people knew about this, Gerard being one, and Bob Fraser being the other. They were bribed to keep quiet, Gerard did but Bob didn’t want to and was killed for it. Drake was hired by Gerard to take care of it. It’s also why he was they only one opposed to Fraser going to Chicago.

•How did a man walk into someone’s office and leave a dead caribou on a desk and no one notice? How bad is your security if someone can get away with that?

•Ray, an American, shows up with lots of guns. Because of course he would. However due to budget constraints they can’t use them all (Here’s looking at you Deadpool).

•Best friends punch people together. That is a fact.

•It is not real chase scene without at least one explosive from a vehicle. That’s the rules. 

•After the chase ends we get all call back to the opening lines of the show, but this time with a happier ending. Fraser gets his man. But just leaves Gerard bleeding out while they take Dief to the vet, because Fraser is a good wolf dad. 

•While Gerard is rightly hated by people, Fraser gets hate too because he’s the one who turned him in? He did the right thing. He got justice for his father and exposed corruption and a huge cover up by the government that was damaging the environment. But for that he gets practically kicked out of Canada? The sad thing is that’s actually pretty realistic.

•The episode ends, the theme music plays and Fraser gets his $100 back from the guy at the airport. A happy ending.

I call this: How to intro a TV show, brought to you by 1993.

For the next time I will keep it to 1 post per episode, because this was actually a lot of work for me.    

[definitely-not-iorveth]

ALL OF THEM

HCDSGDHFJGDSH

i knew it 😂💚 thank you ily 😘

1:A song you like with a color in the title

The Red by Chevelle

was so tempted to put I'm Blue in there, barely resisted 😂

2:A song you like with a number in the title

96 Quite Bitter Beings by CKY

3:A song that reminds you of summertime

Summertime Sadness by Lana del Ray 😂

it's not cheating if it has summer in the title ofc it makes me think of summertime ok

4:A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about

Sabre Dance by Khachaturian

5:A song that needs to be played LOUD

Killswitch by Krynos

6:A song that makes you want to dance

Stenka Na Stenku by ARKONA

(yes a moshpit counts as dancing you can't change my mind)

7:A song to drive to

.........i don't drive........ 💀

but if i did i'd imagine i'd do so to songs like Needled 24 / 7 by Children of Bodom

8:A song about drugs or alcohol

Girl With Golden Eyes by Sixx:A.M.

it's about heroin apparently

9:A song that makes you happy

Something in the Water by Brooke Fraser

10:A song that makes you sad

Teen Idle by MARINA

11:A song that you never get tired of

Horpa by Gåte

12:A song from your preteen years

Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen

13:One of your favorite 80’s songs

i had to look up which songs are from the 80s for this 😂

but of course it has to be I Love Rock ’n’ Roll by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

14:A song that you would love played at your wedding

my what

well if i do end up getting married (doubtful) i think i'd like Battletoads by Gilead, because why the fuck not it would be funny

15:A song that is a cover by another artist

Ding by FEUERSCHWANZ ft. Melissa Bonny

16:One of your favorite classical songs

Canon in D by Pachelbel

17:A song that would sing a duet with on karaoke

frantically trying to remember any duet songs i might know 😂

OH OK GOT ONE Kto powie mi jak by Kwiat Jabłoni

18:A song from the year that you were born

Enjoy The Silence by Depeche Mode apparently

19:A song that makes you think about life

The Riddle by Gigi D'Agostino

yes really

20:A song that has many meanings to you

hmm... generally speaking i am rather a one association per song person 😂

oh but there is one, there is one!

Unbesiegt by Equilibrium

breakup song & battle anthem 👍

21:A favorite song with a person’s name in the title

Letter To Dana by Sonata Arctica

22:A song that moves you forward

in what sense 💀

let's say Phantom Limb by The Messenger Birds

lately i've been going through a rough patch, and this song helps bring me back/keep it together when i need it

23:A song that you think everybody should listen to

ah i don't think songs everybody should listen to exist to be honest. everyone's got their own tastes.

24:A song by a band you wish were still together

i don't tend to keep up with bands i have no idea who is still together and who is not 😂

25:A song by an artist no longer living

FUCK i already used hallelujah 😂 hmm who else is dead.

Beat It by Michael Jackson

26:A song that makes you want to fall in love

Feker Libi by Eden Alene

27:A song that breaks your heart

Alegria by Cirque du Soleil

mostly bc it's a song about happiness that i used to sing during very unhappy moments

28:A song by an artist with a voice that you love

life waster by CORPSE

listen. listen.

this is not my type of music. but. that voice. that fucking voice.

deep voices of this kind do things to me in general but this one in particular is just.

IT'S JUST SO.

if a man with that voice came up to me and told me he'd like to murder me in the most gruesome manner while narrating it the whole time i'd agree and say thank you.

29:A song that you remember from your childhood

Kolorowy wiatr by Edyta Górniak

30:A song that reminds you of yourself

O.K. Fine by Clover The Girl

[variousqueerthings]

rewatched the due south pilot again with someone new. gradually pspspspspspssss at everyone i know about this show.

but yeah, two scenes really stick out to me this time about ray in terms of core features in how i come at him:

the second time they meet: their first meeting did not go well, he thought fraser had ruined his case, he was generally quite done with Stuff (and later on of course we will learn more about why he's so run down), there's this stranger demanding his time, and oh- oops he's just insulted his dead father accidentally and, huh, this oddity of a person is taking it pretty well to be honest... the second time they meet is entirely on ray. he seeks fraser out having done research on the case, but first he apologises to him very sincerely for having said those words. that is the first, big thing that ray offers fraser (the next, of course, is giving over his entire life and soul to him, but i don't think he realised that in that moment...)

after he gets blown up and is lying in hospital: he apologises again, this time for screwing things up. we know by now that he had a bad relationship with his own five-years-dead father who never thought he was good enough, that he's struggling under his caseload at work, we've got a sense he isn't super respected there either, and although we've met his family which is actually very loving (if loud and argumentative) he's giving a sense of being pretty lost in the world at that point and nothing that happened before was his fault. he's been helping fraser, against his superior's wishes, done some good sleuthing/detective work, and saved fraser by putting himself in front of the explosion. and then he apologises

I feel like a lot of the time ray's thought about in terms of his abrasiveness with people generally, his shield against the world he's quick to assume the worst of people and doesn't let others in, but fraser neatly bypasses those walls. on purpose? by accident? bit of both? i think he does sincerely See more to ray in their first scene, the "like you, he is pretending to be someone he's not" line feels like it's talking about more than just ray having been undercover in the previous scene, and because he's fraser he never belittles or mocks or gets aggressive about ray's behaviours throughout their first meeting, which probably also draws him in on top of the need to Make Things Right

i think beneath some of the goofier stuff (which, honestly, i dont think theres thaaat much of, but id have to do a proper count and parallel how many times he's there as "comic relief" vs when fraser is, and also times where ray is shown to be extremely competent which is often -- maybe i'd wish for more dramatic episodes for him but that's more to do with how good marciano's acting is than a real disservice done to ray himself) and the more petulant/childish manifestations of insecurities (it's hard being friends with a Saint, as he puts it very fairly in my opinion, although i also think that line partially relates to some other stuff he'd said about Fraser Please Taking Better Care Of Himself throughout the whole season) there's this ray, and that core is quite obvious pretty much from the get-go

a ray who meets sincerity with sincerity and takes fraser in with honestly barely any prompting at all on fraser's part. a man who maybe was desperate for something/one to believe in, who isn't super macho about admitting fault, and then -- in the hospital scene -- a man who's so used to thinking of himself as a screw-up to the point that he'll apologise for getting blown up to save fraser

there's a lot ray gives fraser. for one thing, fraser would be dead multiple times over without him. but ray Needed him to appear in his life in order to get through the damn day. he saw some storybook larger-than-life weirdo and grabbed hold of him immediately and then realised that the rest of the world seemed to want to eat said weirdo alive and pretty much said over my dead body and he's done pretty well living up to that

did, though, very much appreciated fraser finally properly telling him in red white or blue how much he means to him and how valued he is, because ray doesn't always see it. (funnily enough, they had another bomb threatening to detonate at the time. almost a full circle)

two scenes in which ray says sorry, one in which he was right to do so and one in which he was wrong. there's more to it, but that's the... Thing im thinking about

[sammaggs]

3x02 Eclipse | Nightmare

Stay with me on this one: I don’t think Marcus Ellory ever shows up to his mother's grave in Eclipse.

As truepenny points out in her typically-brilliant meta, Eclipse is written in the style of the Greek theatre's katabasis, a journey to the Underworld (followed by anabasis, the return to the world of the living). You've seen Hadestown? You've seen a katabasis.

This is another playwright John Krizanc joint, and as other people smarter than me have meta’d, Ray’s katabasis sees our hero venturing to the Underworld (a literal graveyard/crypt/grave); solving the riddle presented by the Underworld's guardian ("There. Now it's broken and it's working." "Good man."); learning a fundamental truth about the cyclical nature of life or undergoing a symbolic death of the past self; and then returning to the land of the living as a new or newly-knowledgeable person.

Ray Kowalski is tormented by Marcus Ellory as a symbol of his life up until this point. The two defining features of Ray Kowalski's life up until he meets Fraser are 1) Stella, and B) being a cop. "The point is, I mean, my whole life, it all starts and ends with this one guy."

But that part of Ray's life is over.

To make this a metaphor for queerness (as someone who personally married a man before coming out as a lesbian around Ray's age), in our mid-30s we're often forced to deconstruct the narratives of our lives that we've been so devoted to until this point. Have we been living for ourselves, or for other people? Has doing what society expects of us made us happy?

If you're closeted, the answer is usually going to be no. And that means you have to burn down your entire life to start fresh (the house, if you will). It means you have to grieve your past self—the one who had a heterosexual spouse and a house in the suburbs and did what society expected of you—in order to make room to rebirth your authentic self.

In the Underworld, and in the graveyard, Ray buries the man who wanted a wife; the man who wanted revenge on Ellory; the man who was a con job.

He's revived a man with a new partner, no longer motivated by vengeance, and who knows he's a damn good cop because he is.

So now that we've established all of that, let's get back to Ellory.

Ellory doesn't show up for his mother's funeral; by the time the mourners are leaving, he's still not there. "You know, Ray, I'm pretty sure he'll come," says Fraser, at 4:30PM. "We have time." But after Fraser gives Ray his own history back to him, Ellory still hasn't showed. They decide to leave, and Ray throws his dream catcher to the wind... where it's caught by Marcus Ellory.

"It's a dream catcher," says Fraser. "It tangles up bad dreams."

It tangles up bad dreams.

Ray puts on his glasses; he can't really see Ellory clearly. Then, once they end up together in the grave, no one else ever sees them. Fraser never sees Ellory. By the time Ray is reborn anew after the eclipse (literal darkness into light!), Ellory is nowhere to be seen. Suspicious!

I think the casting choice here, too, is deliberately made to make Ellory an allegorical figure as opposed to a literal one. Peter Bray, the actor, is 6'7". He's huge, and lying in the grave next to him, Ray looks even smaller than usual.

That's because we are seeing Marcus Ellory the way twelve-year-old Stan Kowalski would have. Huge, imposing, feet taller than him; essentially a cartoon villain. Ellory is exactly the same here as he is in Ray's memory, unchanged but for a little grey, even though twenty-three years have passed.

And then he disappears.

Ellory is the final boss of Ray's katabasis, his eclipse-fueled nightmare, tangled up in and cleansed by the dreamcatcher Fraser made him—just like Fraser's recitation of Ray's citations tangles up and cleanses Ray's own poor consideration of himself.

But it’s not about Ellory, y’know?? It has nothing to do with Ellory, not really, and everything to do with Ray’s own perception of himself and the story he tells himself about his own life. In this way, I think it’s more powerful a read if Ellory is not there; it’s all Ray. Just Ray, letting go of the man he thought he was and choosing to become the man he wants to be.

For me, Ellory’s just a bad dream. He’s a larger-than-life demon of Ray’s own making. He’s probably in hiding or dead, but Ray doesn’t actually need the real Ellory to exorcise that demon. He just needs the right angel.

Ray Kowalski dies and is reborn (like due South!), at the end of what I consider to be the two-part opener of Season 3.

Happy 27th birthday, Eclipse (Sept. 21, 1997)! You're one of the all-timer episodes of TV.

[bylightofdawn]

Fanfic Rec: Chicago's Most Wanted

So I started to re-read Chicago's Most Wanted and I forgot how HILARIOUS this fic is. It opens in media res with Fraser and Ray K in an interogation room and from there jumps back in time to where Fraser is undercover in a prison, gets konked on the head and forgets he's a Mountie etc. He buys his cover identity and just...goes with it. Becoming a unholy terror to the CPD and a modern day robin hood who wins the hearts and support of the people because he gives huge chunks of his burgled loot to those in need. Because even an amensiac Fraser is still a do gooder at heart.

Meanwhile poor Ray is losing his mind over the whole thing.

So it's pretty much the plot of a really ridiculous and totally believable due South episode. In point of fact, Fraser did lose his memory in one episode from a similar konk to the head.

Even if you don't know this fandom I highly recommend it because it's hilarious, a fun romp, well-written and just the right amount of spicy.

[pigtailedgirl]

Frannie, and/or Gift of the Wheelman

I didn't forget you @marley-manson I just wanted to do it justice.

Frannie is Heaven and Earth. That scene. 1) She's beautiful. 2) Ramona kills it with this moment, this one moment in the whole series they really took her seriously I think, and it's like Frannie comes alive in understanding her desperation and want not as the funny but as so human. Her chasing potentials and dreaming of great love. And how this ties into her relationship with Ray of big bro and little sis, family dynamics, backstories unsaid. It's cause they have it in common that they butt heads and worry over another and tease and fight.

And yeah, you know she's not right for Fraser. You don't want her with Fraser. I think you can argue she knows she doesn't go with him even. But god, in this moment, you sympathize. Suddenly she's 3D.

I love it.

Frannie: Hi. Where's the Mountie. 

Vecchio: Come here. We gotta talk. 

[Ray hauls her into an interrogation room. Fraser steps into the observation area and watches them] 

Vecchio: Stay away from him, okay? 

Francesca: Excuse me? 

Vecchio: Look, Frannie. You heard what I said. Just stay away from him, okay? 

Francesca: Ray. 

Vecchio: Frannie. You are in over your head. 

Francesca: Meaning? 

Vecchio: Meaning guys like him don't marry girls like you. That's fairy tale. And girls like you get hurt and guys like him don't even know it and that's life. 

Francesca: Oh yeah? You know this? 

Vecchio: Why do you do this? You always do this to yourself? 

Francesca: Yeah, I do. You know what your problem is, Ray? 

Vecchio: No, Frannie, why don't you tell me? 

Francesca: Yeah, I'll tell you. Your problem is that you are so afraid to dream. You are so afraid to reach out for something that you really want. You know what happens to people like you? They get old. They get alone. and they die. And they never know. Well, that's not me. 

Vecchio: Hey, hey, hey. Come here... Come here. Did you sleep with him? 

Francesca: Oh god. Why? Why? Would it matter to you if I did? 

Vecchio: Yes, it would. You're my sister... I care about you. 

[flownwrong]

perpetuum mobile (due South fic)

Fraser/Kowalski, 5k words, tags: first kiss, post-canon, 5+1 things

Summary: Nothing's permanent.

Written for @duesouthseekritsanta as a treat for @feroxargentea. Thanks to @wicked3659 for running dSSS this year, and happy 20th birthday to the exchange!

read on ao3

1999, 22:37, Yukon

"Three bags. How is it three bags? I'm not even doing souvenirs." Ray ran his hands through his hair, said, "Ow, ow, fucking ow," as the edge of his sleeve produced a visible spark of static electricity.

Dief nosed his way under Ray's elbow and stuck his face deep into a bag. Probably the one half-full with dirty laundry, seeing as Ray had spent a truly impressive amount of time putting the packing off.

Ray grabbed Dief's muzzle firmly in two hands and gave it an impatient shake. "Hey, eyes up here. How is it three bags, Dief?"

Dief snorted with enough derision to make the cabin walls wilt and nudged his way to the fireplace.

"Right, right. I thought we borrowed most of this stuff, how did..."

He crouched down and reached up a blind hand over his shoulder. Fraser put Ray's green scarf into the waiting palm. He wanted desperately to ask Ray why he was taking his winter gear back home in the first place.

"You're welcome to store any clothing or, ah, personal items here, between your visits." The words felt as presumptuous as they did inevitable.

Ray spun quickly on his knees and squinted at him, ever good at hearing the unsaid.

Fraser's neck was itching under the collar of his flannel. Days were getting hotter fast. "I can mail them to you at your request. The postal service here is really remarkably fast, considering."

Ray fingered the little hole in the scarf where a stitch had come undone. "No, no, you hang onto them."

His mouth was downturned, but his laugh lines were clearer now than Fraser has ever seen them. Between the windburn and the sun, Ray's skin was darker, eager to reveal the expressive motions of his face. Fraser looked his fill, already missing it fiercely.

Ray ducked his head. "Shit, when I was moving out, Stella looked like she'd nuke everything I didn't carry on my back." He linked his fingers behind his neck and shivered without moving, somehow. When he looked back up, his smile was a jolt of radiance. "Imagine how much shit I'd hoard around here in another ten years."

His throat felt tight as he reached for the thick mittens Ray'd hated so much on the trail. Feel like the T-Rex, he'd said, staring at the steaming snow where his cocoa mug landed, mouth downturned and quivering like a child's. Can't do a damn thing without you.

He'd been exhausted, one of those first days out, searching desperately for something that Fraser could never seem to get into focus, like looking through a dirty lens, or maybe from too close a distance. By the time they got back and Ray held the cabin door open for Fraser, he was—serene. A Ray he hoped nobody else had gotten to see.

Fraser came back with no serenity in sight, which was confusing and bitter and made him helplessly afraid of the four walls around him, of going back into the vastness beyond.

He turned the mittens over, traced the creases where they'd molded themselves to Ray's hands with his thumb. He could feel Ray's eyes following the motion.

Ray shook his head, his mouth a tight line. "Here, gimme a hand," he said and yanked hard at the duffel's zipper, once, twice, watching it catch on the green weave.

They took Maggie's kindly offered pickup to the airstrip. It was almost summer, the terrain free of snow. Diefenbaker refused to get out, sounding torn between whining and snarling. Ray climbed halfway up the seat and leaned into the back.

"Hey, mutt, you take that back," he said, hand pressed firmly into the thick fur at Dief's nape, "sure I'm coming back. Every chance I get, and—I'm not leaving, okay?" Ray's voice dropped, raw and frantic. "I can do it. You—I can do it." Fraser watched him lower his head, hands going slack on Dief, and hoped against all hope Ray knew who he was talking to.

Halfway through dinner—the last of Ray's artless stew made in a bout of either inspiration or procrastination—he put the spoon down and picked up the mittens he'd discarded on the windowsill. Can't do a damn thing without you, he thought, and felt like his chest was breaking open.

2000, 09:07, the 2-7

Huey was on Ray's phone as he walked up to his desk, which was nothing unusual, what with him being less than ten minutes late and probably not expected for another thirty, and Frannie was practically jumping up to peek over his shoulder, gesturing wildly as he spun around and around until she was practically growling.

He snapped his fingers at Ray, mouthing Fraser, and Ray ducked under Frannie's arm, snatching the phone from his hand.

"Ray?" the receiver asked in a tinny Fraser-voice.

"Hey. Couldn't wait to get me at home?" He was smiling like a sap, so loud it was kind of embarrassing. Two days since they last spoke. A real hair-trigger.

Someone called Fraser's name faintly on the other end of the line.

"Thank you kindly, Maggie, that won't be necessary, and Ray, I'm calling to give you my new address, actually," Fraser said without pausing for breath.

"At how much AM on a Monday? Wait, Maggie's there?"

"Ah, yes, Ray. She insisted on driving me from the airport."

Frannie nudged his shoulder and swerved him bodily until he could see Welsh tapping his left wrist and motioning for Ray to shake a leg. Ray made like Dief and shook his head instead, earning himself some dizziness. "Say again?"

"Ah, I should've mentioned it sooner, but—I took a posting at Whitehorse, as of tomorrow."

"You what? Wait, wait, your cabin didn't burn down or anything? Is Maggie—what?"

Frannie sure knew an opening when she saw one, so that was when she did a solid Michael Jordan impression and snatched the phone from Ray's hands.

"Frase! It's so good to hear you! You sound really, and I mean really—oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize"—she gave Ray a major stink-eye for no apparent reason—"yeah, yeah, I'll bring your highest regards, I'm printing them out as we speak. Yes, yes, I'm doing good, just, really good, I had this great date last night—well, not so great, kind of a douche, so it's not like it's going anywhere, and, HEY!"

"This," Ray brandished the recaptured receiver over his head, "is now a pay phone. Come back with a quarter, or, you know, don't."

That got him a shrug and a seriously dangerous-looking eye roll, but that was par for the course.

"Yeah, Fraser. So, what?"

Fraser cleared his throat twice, and wow, there must've been something really awkward he was going to drop on Ray's head.

"Well, Ray, the fact of it is, I found myself somewhat... unmoored."

"Unmoored."

"Yes, Ray. Unmoored. Out of my depth."

"In the Territories?" Ray's brow was gonna fall off if he frowned any harder.

"Yes—that is, no. It occurred to me that I have grown—possibly—too accustomed to the state of being, as you would put it, 'a capella'."

Ray swallowed and nodded, then blinked and realized he'd probably do better sitting down for this conversation.

"A capella, huh." He elbowed yesterday's paperwork aside and dropped into his chair. "Fraser, you do realize you get to choose now? If you wanna hide from the world, you go, convene with the caribou. You earned it."

He could hear Fraser rubbing his brow. "I don't want to hide from the world, Ray."

Ray opened his mouth to say, yes, 'course you do, I get it, but then—Fraser probably had fifty words for lonely, like the Inuit and their thing for snow. Maybe lonely has lost some of its appeal. Maybe lonely changed meaning, hopped across the dictionary, and, in a truly bizarre way, landed near "home". Well, shit. Trust Fraser to not act in Fraser's best interests.

"Okay," he heard himself say, raising a placating hand. "That's, um, good to hear."

"You know, Ray, John Keats noted in one of his odes that solitude is easier borne where one has the freedom to be expressly and unmistakably alone with nature rather than 'among the jumbled heap of murky buildings'. My time in Chicago was certainly proof enough. But the more I return to his words, the more I look at another passage—"

Huey caught his eye and mimed something vaguely threatening.

"—poem, which—"

Ray groaned and dragged a hand over his face. "Jesus, Fraser. Now is not the time to be quoting poetry at me."

"Oh. Ray, I realise I sound somewhat maudlin—"

Ray waved his hand at the phone, annoyed at having his attention torn—never a good tactic with Fraser. "No, no, no, I don't mean it like—listen, Welsh will have my hide if I keep this up much longer. I'll get back to you when I'm home—or, um, when you're home, I guess. Gimme the number, will you?"

"Ah. Certainly, Ray."

Ray grabbed a post-it and wrote the digits down hastily.

"Be safe," Fraser said.

"Right. I will."

He dropped the handset back and stood up before he realized that, a) Fraser could easily call him after getting home, unless he planned to catch Ray with his hands tied and, b) with Fraser across the border and a zillion miles away, the murky buildings did suck massive balls.

He chewed on his thumbnail on his way to Welsh's office.

He chewed on it again after asking the kid behind the counter at the book spot near his place what the poem with the buildings was.

2003, 14:21, N. Octavia Ave

"This is ass-backwards, Fraser," Ray said, balancing seven shoeboxes between two arms and a knee, as Francesca said, "I'll nail your ass backwards to my door if you drop those pumps, bro," and Fraser said, "How so, Ray?"

"It's two weeks in Chicago. There's squat to do. What's not ass-backwards about this?"

Ray was being a hypocrite, really.

"Seeing as you have been spending much of your leave in Canada, I don't think you have a leg to stand on."

"Hell yes I don't, I'm holding shoes on my knee. Which, why are we hauling my ex-fake-sister's schmutter on our backs through the whole city on my day off?"

"It's three blocks, geez!" Francesca said.

"I'm sure you would appreciate the help were your positions reversed, Ray," Fraser added.

"Hey, casa de Ray is not going anywhere anytime soon," Ray said, defensive.

Francesca snorted and looked over her shoulder. "I bet."

Ray bared his teeth at her. "What's that supposed to mean?" He glanced longingly at a passing truck. "Jesus, Frannie, why don't you at least use those rolling rack things?"

Francesca sighed a sigh of the horribly wronged. "I'll roll your rack if—"

"I got it, I got it, you can pipe down now." Ray's hands twitched on the boxes, but he settled for a scowl, thankfully.

"Ray, it's only a short trip on foot—"

"Fraser, you're carrying dresses—"

"Yeah, Ray, and with you hogging the Fraser—"

"Me what?"

"Although, perhaps, in your condition, Francesca—"

"It's not a bug, Fraser, it's called pregnancy—"

"Me what?"

Francesca threw her hands up and stopped, turning on her heel. "Alright, alright." She closed her eyes and counted to ten under her breath, then jabbed a finger at Ray and kept talking to Fraser. "I know you came to see Ray, but it is two weeks. Forgive me for not realizing some time together that isn't yelling at each other over lasagna is too much to ask."

His hands grew cold so fast he wanted to push them against his rapidly warming face. "Francesca, I'm sorry I have given you the impression I don't enjoy my time together with you and your family."

She sighed wearily and looked skyward. "Impression. Right."

"There is a lot in this city for me to come back to," Fraser said, meeting Ray's eyes, wide and wounded.

Francesca's face softened into something like pity. Ray ducked his head and put the revered pumps down slowly.

"Hey," he said, and nudged Francesca's right boot gently with his left. "Whadda you say we get you settled and, um, you can make tea—or I can make tea, just not Fraser, I'm not drinking tree juice—and then we veg out? It's my day off. Got nowhere to be."

Francesca looked confused, primed for an explosion that never happened. Ray sent him a flash of a wink.

Ray was wrong: two weeks, even confined to city limits, was not nearly enough.

By the time Francesca let them go, it was getting dark. Ray scuffed the toe of his boot against the asphalt. "So, uh. Wanna catch a show? Or, or we could just get some grub—"

"I would love that, Ray."

Ray smiled, endearingly lopsided, then not, then snorted helplessly and started laughing, flinging an arm around Fraser's shoulders.

"Come on," he said, giving him a brief but firm shake. He piled Fraser into the GTO, put his glasses on without complaining—for once—about how he could drive just fine asleep with his hands tied, tossed him the cell phone and turned the keys in the ignition. "Chinese okay with you?"

Fraser dialed the number from memory and recited their order, which hadn't changed in years.

Ray's place was largely unchanged, too, and he felt a hot prick of shame for hoping that it was so. Ray'd swapped the television set for a newer, bigger one, and the plumbing seemed to have improved, the metallic smell of tap water less noticeable. The one toothbrush was perched precariously on the edge of the bathroom sink, near the empty cup.

The kitchen counter was still covered in junk mail. The photograph Maggie took of them, two days before Ray had to go, was pinned high on the fridge with a Leafs magnet he didn't expect to see here. He hoped Ray didn't look too hard at the picture—he thought he could see the cornered quality of his own gaze from where he was standing.

"Stay the night?" Ray said, folding back the flaps of his takeout bag and peering inside like he was waiting for something to jump out of it.

Fraser picked up the chopsticks—the nice ones Ray had bought for him and never commented on while snapping apart his own and rolling them between his palms to smooth out any splinters, every time for months and months of takeout dinners—and inhaled the fragrant steam, keeping his breathing even.

The hotel was a safety catch, as was, he supposed, the careful timing of their respective vacations so that they never overlapped fully. Ray had always held up his part of the unspoken deal. If this was a trust fall, he was willing to take it.

"Alright."

Ray's lips curved into a smile, unguarded and relieved, and Fraser's ribs felt tight.

2005, 23:49, apt. 309

Ray unbuckled the holster, his shoulder throbbing sharply.

He was slower than Elaine this time—equal parts pathetic and unnerving. Forty three was not it. He was not gonna croak at forty three, courtesy of some crook with sharp elbows. Fraser would laugh at him. Well, no, Fraser would frown at him. Dief would totally laugh at him.

He grabbed a Miller out of the fridge and picked up the phone.

"Hello, Ray," Fraser said, muffled.

"Hey yourself. Whatcha eating?"

"Oh—pizza."

"You got mushrooms on there?"

"As a matter of fact, yes, I do."

"Right," Ray said and looked at the mess of dishes in the sink. "Your funeral." He picked up the brush and stared at it before dropping it back into a dirty bowl and popping the beer open.

"How did the housewarming go?"

Elaine's building was nice, newer than his, a little further uptown, her apartment uncluttered but lived-in already. He'd stuck to people-watching in the corner, mostly, and wallowed in being too old to go anywhere now. It was kind of a good wallow, not sad or anything, just—content. Eight years on, he still liked his digs. Not like there was any need for a second bedroom—Fraser had always been cool with the couch.

"Uh, great, great. Got herself a good guy, Tony. A lawyer, no less. Wedding's next April."

Fraser was somehow smiling politely into his ear.

"What? What?"

"Oh, nothing, Ray. I got reminded of—that's not important."

Ray groaned. "God, Fraser. Elaine is way prettier—and sharper—than I ever was. And Tony—let's just say Stella he ain't. They'll knock it out of the park, you just wait."

"You've never not been sharp, Ray. Or, ah—eye-catching," Fraser said in this soft voice reserved for late night, before-bed calls. Ray had to squeeze his eyes shut for a second.

"Yeah, right, I'm a regular James Dean. Oh, and, speaking of—Vecchio was there. He's back, him and Stella."

"So I've heard."

There was a shrill whistle of the kettle in the background, and the clutter of Fraser putting the phone down to deal with it. Ray frowned at the mysterious stain on his sleeve and swallowed another mouthful of beer.

Stella wasn't at Elaine's, which was just as well, but Vecchio was, and they'd chatted about cars—Vecchio got zip right—and Frannie's youngest, and it was fine, none of the edgy shit Ray'd come to expect from himself.

Fraser picked up the phone with a click. "Sorry, Ray. Please go on."

"Um, yeah. We're all co-pathetic now. He's got this whole private dick deal—hey, why am I telling you this? You two must gossip like fishwives."

"Well, yes, we did talk not so long ago. But that's beside the point." There was a smile in Fraser's voice. Beside the point, huh.

Ray kind of drifted into the bedroom, shrugged out of his beat-up flannel, yanked the t-shirt up, got the phone tangled in it and gave up, flopping sideways onto the bed.

The shoulder was sore as hell. The glasses were starting to hurt, too, jammed between the phone and his ear, and he flung them onto the nightstand with a bit too much force, picked up the beer instead.

"How's the mutt?"

A gruff Dief-noise was reassuringly loud on the line. Last time he heard it there was an unpleasant wheeze tucked onto the end; not this time. He huffed back. Never let it be said he wasn't a great conversationalist. When it came to aging half-wolves who couldn't see or hear him, anyway.

"Hey, I know, I know. Took one today myself."

Dief sneezed. He knew it, he knew he'd never live it down.

"Diefenbaker, that was uncalled for." A grumble. "Are you alright, Ray?"

"Peachy. Bastard dislocated my shoulder. Elaine got him cuffed before I could whack him."

"I'm glad to hear that. You two make a good team."

"That we do, Fraser, that we do."

He got kinda lucky when Elaine made detective. He'd worked alone, mostly, a fact he knew Fraser knew and didn't seem too happy about. So when he'd finally partnered up with her, Fraser seemed to unclench, and she could hold her own, didn't chafe, didn't bring up any Fraser-memories.

Then again, his Fraser-memories were now as much snowball fights and Chicago museums he didn't even know existed and the flannel Fraser'd left on the couch that first night Ray got over himself and asked him to stay—because really, the whole hotel thing was chicken—as they were burning cars and ice crevasses and Vecchio's crappy fake mustache signaling his personal apocalypse.

"Hey," he said, as it clicked, not a hunch but a stone cold truth, "we made it."

There was a long pause, and Ray swore he could hear Fraser thinking. "Yes, Ray, so you've said."

"No, no, not me and Elaine. I meant, um, you and me." He willed Fraser to know, because he didn't have the right words to mean six years of calls and emails and goddamn visits—and here they were, off the clock and on the phone, pizza and beer, and the two zillion kilometers (zillion miles was around two zillion kilometers, he remembered) mattered fuck all.

"I suppose so, Ray," Fraser said, low, and Ray couldn't stop imagining his stupid dimples and his stupid graying temples and the passing months he'll get to see on his face, next visit, next coming back, soon, soon.

2006, 09:02, Whitehorse

He signed at the last line and set the turtle paperweight down on the forms, like a lock. Immediately thought better of it, picked the pile up and evened the edges out against the table, lengthwise first.

He was lucky to get so much—his job, the only one that mattered; his home, not a long trip away; the kindness the city has extended to him, of not having to be alone and not having to be lost. Ray, highly irregular, always coming back.

It gave him courage. Made it easier to think, I want this, even if I have to leave, I want it, and pick up the pen, the phone, the bags, start moving.

"Hi, Frase," Ray said on the phone, hoarse with sleep.

"Ray."

"Mm-hmm?"

"I'm putting in for a transfer. I thought you would appreciate a, ah, a heads-up this time."

"Oh, hey, right! The promotion—you going back up there to hug the trees, or, or, the lichens?"

Fraser knew Ray could name most of the trees and the lichens and the bird species to boot, but that was neither here nor there. He resisted the urge to straighten out his uniform, seeing as he wasn't wearing one, on a Saturday morning in his own kitchen.

"No, Ray. As a matter of fact, there is an administrative position open at the consulate." He rubbed his eyebrow. "In Chicago."

There was a rustle of sheets—Ray sitting up in bed. "Admini—what, a desk job? Oh God, a Thatcher job?"

"Well, if you mean international espionage, then, no." He thought briefly on the oxymoronic quality of them discussing something they should have had no knowledge of in the first place.

"Don't—no." Ray sighed unevenly, then was silent for a long time.

He worried at the corner of the paper right next to his signature. The whole form would probably need redoing. "It's rather more restrictive than I would prefer, given the choice—then again, my duties as a sergeant would be less than ideal concerning the time I'd spend in my office, so it wouldn't be a big change. And, while we wouldn't be able to partner on cases like we used to—"

"You want to partner up with me?" Ray sounded—dangerous.

"It's hardly news to you, Ray."

Ray was gaining momentum as he spoke, louder and faster and more desperate. "Given the choice, what, given the choice?"

He stopped abruptly. Fraser imagined him running a hand through his hair, mussed with sleep and yesterday's helping of product.

"Listen, Frase. Can't you, dunno, wait until Monday?"

"I certainly could, Ray, but—oh." He had to put his elbows on the table and his face in his hands. The emptiness at his feet where Dief would curl up before still hurt acutely. "You don't want me back?" He sounded all of five years old and couldn't do a thing about it.

"No!" Ray's voice was a snarl, and it tore at Fraser's throat like it was his own. "God, Fraser, it's not back. Back is out there, back is away from that fucking desk, not Chicago."

It isn't Chicago, he wanted to say. You must know that much.

Ray's breathing came fast and uneven, like back in the GTO, when he shook apart after—and God, Fraser should have been smarter than this by now.

More rustling, the sound of Ray's open palm connecting with something solid once, twice. He wanted desperately to be standing there, to put his hand on the back of Ray's neck, rub circles against it like he didn't, hadn't dared to in that car.

"Ray—of all people, you know the most about what I can call home." It felt like a déjà vu. I don't want to hide from the world, Ray. He'd meant it more than anything, the choice of being alone where he'd been with Ray an unimaginable punishment.

There was a creak, like Ray was putting too much pressure on the receiver. "Yeah. Alright." He sniffled. "But, it's bad luck to paper shuffle on a Saturday morning, right?"

That was such a Ray non-sequitur it made him giggle recklessly. "Who said that, Ray?"

"Someone, I remember—they say it, okay? Just, go with me on this. Sleep on it. Forty-eight hours, and you do what you need to do. I have a hunch."

He opened his mouth to ask. Ray cut him off like he'd seen it.

"Uh-uh. Monday, okay? So we don't jinx it."

"So we don't jinx it," he repeated, willing to go with anything that got Ray saying sentences with the subject we.

The shrill ring of a doorbell almost knocked the phone out of Fraser's hand.

"Shit, should've left it broken," Ray mumbled. "Look, I have a, a thing here. I'll call you back, or, whatever, you know the drill. Just, forty-eight hours, okay? I'm counting."

"Forty-eight hours, Ray."

"Good."

He hung up, stared at the papers some more. Forty-eight hours had nothing on seven years.

Forty-eight hours, and Ray hadn't called, hadn't called it off, so Fraser walked into the RCMP building, up the stairs, turned left and—Ray was leaning against the wall, hands in the pockets of his beaten-up brown jacket, the same one he had on when he was leaving that first, most painful time. The slump of his shoulders screamed belligerent.

Ray pushed himself off the wall, jittery and graceful. "I've figured it out," he said, breathless. His hair was growing out, going half-heartedly for an unfamiliar slicked back look, and his eyes looked feverish. He looked younger than Fraser had ever known him, and older than he remembered. "I've figured it the fuck out. I quit, okay, I don't want to—" He kicked at the lone backpack at his feet. "Asked Stella to mail me what I need and nuke the rest."

Fraser couldn't take his eyes off him, three steps away, tried to think of something to say before he would inevitably move and knew the first thing out of his mouth would be a curse or a vow, no stopping it.

Ray crossed the distance and took the key from his limp hands, jammed it into the lock with too much force, said, c'mon, c'mon, and they were inside, door locked.

And then Ray was on Fraser, fists curled on his chest, forehead rubbing restlessly against his shoulder. "I figured it out, why didn't you say it, Fraser, Jesus, fucking desk job, fucking—poems, why didn't you just," and then Ray kissed him, or he kissed Ray, and someone was saying, "Fuck, I didn't know, I didn't know how, I didn't know, I swear," and they made it. They made it.

2023, 17:29, Yukon

"Ow, ow, fucking ow!"

He dropped the box and gave it a kick, and fuck, "Fuck, it better not be dishes in there."

Fraser picked the box up and stared at Ray's handwriting upside-down, frowned like he didn't get it, because of course he didn't, it was Ray's hand upside-down. "I don't believe so, Ray, if the weight and the sound are any indication."

He loaded the box into the back of the ancient pickup. If Ray was sentimental when he took it off Maggie's hands and rigged it up better than new, then it was a surprise to just about nobody.

"Good, good. I, uh, I really like Charlie's one."

Fraser hummed his agreement. "You know, she would make you another one if you asked."

"She's going to Vancouver, Frase."

"There are pottery wheels in Vancouver, Ray. In fact, Maggie said she had to argue with her for almost an hour about setting one up in the dormitory room."

Ray smiled and just knew he was gonna choke up, any second now. "Shit. Charlie's picking out prom dresses and we're—shit, Ben."

Fraser looked at him, and Ray was turned inside out not by the look itself, the same one Fraser had given him in the hallway at the ass-crack of dawn—seventeen, Jesus, years ago, the same one Fraser had given him many times before, if only Ray'd known how to—but it wasn't that, it was that they were both fucking retired and hauling their asses back into the great white only-two-of-us-here nowhere, and Fraser still had enough wonder in him, enough hesitance to look at Ray like he was an honest-to-god miracle.

Then he had the gall to look concerned. "We don't have to go, Ray. You like it here."

And, okay, that was it.

He picked the boxes up first, stacked the remaining ones neatly in the back. His back complained a little, which was okay, considering.

"C'mere," he said then, grabbed Fraser's hand impatiently and felt Fraser link their fingers together, easy as anything. Pulled some courage out of nowhere—which, hey, just how much longer would they have to do this courage thing?—and said, "Almost the highest bliss of human-kind, when to thy haunts two kindred spirits flee. Or, uh, however that goes."

Fraser's head snapped up, eyebrows quirking, mouth reaching for a grin, but kind of a wobbly one.

Ray shrugged and didn't look away. "So. You say that again to me and count the fucks I give."

Fraser took a few big, heaving breaths and reached for Ray's right hand, brought it up to his cheek, soft with the beard he'd been growing out for the past few weeks.

"Hey." Ray turned their linked fingers so Fraser could see. "Look."

Fraser stared at Ray's ring finger, which, by the way, still hurt like a bitch.

"That box caught on my damn wedding band."

Fraser's crow's feet gave him away before a smile broke over his face, a bright and hopeful thing. Ray kissed the corner of it, kissed his eyelids, and his jaw, and his temple, and thought of home.