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glassandhamsandwich · 6 days ago

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the fix it au. pls pls tell me about it.

Ok so again, this is very underdeveloped… It will get better I prommy….. Also this is so cringe and incredibly self indulgent but I DONT GIVE A CRAP!!!!!!!

Also I wrote this over the course of 3 days and I did NOT re-read it so if it sucks to read I am SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!

ADDAIR CENTERED AU BECAUSE I LOVE HIM I DON’T CARE IM GIVING HIM A REDEMPTION ARC BUT ITS NOT AN ARC ITS JUST THE WHOLE STORY !!!!!!

Actually let me start with a list of all the people that get to survive in this…. Its just all of the characters that I care for at all.

All of the infected (including Roper, O’Connor, and Raffs even though I always forget about them LMAO… i still have to decide if I want them to be infected in here…. Raffs is a most likely because I’m making a design for him rn)

Caz, Finlay, Roy, Brodie, Innes, maybe Archie, and maybe a few other background characters so that it seems a little bit less like everyone died because now that I’m writing this down thats really not a lot of people….. But also a lot of people did die

so if i ever did decide to do any writing for this like i wanted to.. It would start pre-making the infected be normal again. The way that they figure out to bring them back to normal is that they basically have to remove the shape from whatever part of them it attached itself to, because theres always one main “contact point”. The shape can either be removed by basically poisoning them into throwing it up and/or killing the shape with chemicals, because it is technically just a plant. Or cutting it out of them.

Muir was pretty easy to poison because he kept trying to eat things because…. cwd.. bro was hungry.. And he still is it did NOT help!!!

Both Trots and Gibbo had to be restrained, Trots got it basically tore out from his goopy lack of legs and Gibbo had to be force fed rat poison and cleaning chemicals because he was freaking out too much for them to safely cut into him.

Rennick incapacitated himself by getting into a battle with Addair and got fucked up pretty bad because his ass is NOT built like Addair’s is, and they were able to cut it out of him fish dinner style.

They did not get Addair he is still out there at this point.

So since they figured that the shape can be killed they start destroying it little by little, tearing it down when they can and drowning all of it in chemicals. This is a pretty slow process because I think that the game would be so much cooler if it took place over multiple days because I just like drawn out horror. Also because I want this to last longer, the shape did not damage the rig to the extent that it did in the game, so it was still “safe” to be on.

And now is an important time to get into how the shape affected them mentally. Pretty similar to how it is in canon where it gives you hallucinations of your loved ones, but in addition to the auditory hallucinations, they also have visual ones.

This was basically Addair’s motive for working for the shape so insistently, it gave him the illusion that he was providing for his family.

Uhm anyway when they managed to fully kill the shape Addair’s currently messed up brain saw that as them killing his family…. Which he was not super psyched about obviously. The shape is dead and its dead in him… but 1. He was affected the longest so his head was a little crazier than the rest of them and 2. He never got it properly removed so erm… he's a little freaked!!!!

Anyway so after they kill the shape the main challenge just becomes not letting the damage that was caused break the whole rig and kill them all while they await rescue, and also avoiding Addair at all costs because he is more out for them than he was before.

And I totally forgot to mention this before but it is important.. Addair has a tendency to specifically target Caz… actually just hates that guy so much there is a seething jealousy he has for him that comes out as anger because that's just how he makes himself.

So yeah the rig is still kind of falling apart and not working like it should….. including the flare stack…. and I think we know where this is going…

This is what that comic that i mentioned like one time and then never finished was about. So Caz, Finlay, Gibbo, Trots, and Roper are sent to go relight the flare stack, because safety in numbers or whatever. And Brodie and Raffs stay in whatever that section Brodie is in during the flare stack scene in the game idk what it's called…. but erm… yuh oh! Addair is here….. down at the flare stack I mean.

Caz takes the relighter to run down the stack while the rest of them try to distract Addair. But that buzz sound that happens in the game happens and draws Addair’s attention over to Caz… who again he just absolutely hates… way more than everyone else so he changes his focus onto getting Caz. And obviously he blows up like he does in the game because he's a fucking idiot… But the flare stack doesn't go down with him this time so Caz is mostly safe on that front. So yeah Addair falls in the ocean but he very shockingly survives it… and manages to crawl his way into the pontoons (or whatever that flooded part is idk anymore) and basically collapses there for the time being.

Back to everyone else they are somehow still waiting for rescue to come after a few days and are wondering if it's even coming at all so they’re now having to worry about that.. And their also having to worry about running out of supplies.. So they hit that classic “let’s split up, gang!”, both to scrounge around the entire rig for literally anything they can find, and to check for any final traces of the shape. Gibbo get sent to the pontoons by himself because he can navigate it way easier than anyone else can because I gave him gills😁😁😁 but uhh yeah guess who he finds down there….. Haha….

This is were this au slowly gets more character relationship based because I LOVE character relationships and interactions they are my favorite things ever.

So yeah Gibbo find Addair down in the pontoons and is like “WHAT THE FLIP!!!!!” and at this point Addair has gotten a bit more of his normal conscience back because the shapes been dead for “a while” now and he hasn’t been surrounded by people that he feels he needs to kill so he’s got more of an understanding of his environment then he used to but he’s still kind of in that animal instinct going on so he ATTEMPTS to scare Gibbo off because he sees him as a threat obvi. But he does a very poor job of this because he’s still incredibly injured and honestly Gibbo just thinks it’s a little pathetic. because it is…. So Gibbo basically decided to just leave him down there and not mention it to anyone else because he is NOT feeling up to dealing with that rn but he knows that Addair wouldn’t want the others to know he’s there and at the moment he’s just going to let Addair have it his way because he is in a PITIFUL state rn and even if that's not the best decision, it's the easiest. He backtracks on this decision pretty quickly though because it’s hard to just forget that there's a dying little freak in your basement so he’s like…. I should probably go check on him… So he does.. And then he keeps doing it and they start BONDING i'm forcing them to be friends because they're my favorites and Gibbo’s trying and SUCCEEDING to make him a better person. Uhm so since Gibbo keeps going to check on Addair in the pontoons, he keeps just disappearing for a while and everyone else is obviously wondering where he’s going because he isn't telling anyone. They all decide to send Trots after him when they catch him leaving one time because Trots is who he’d probably trust the most to tell anything. He does NOT tell Trots anything so Trots pulls the good ol’ “I better follow him” and struggles his way down to the pontoons following Gibbo as best he can and when he finally gets down there he sees Addair obviously. He's very hard to miss. So now Trots gets his turn to go “WHAT THE FLIP 😨😨😨😨” But he agrees to not tell the others that he saw him, against his better judgment, after Gibbo begs him not too.

When Trots goes back to the rest of the group and they ask him what he found he just LIES and says that he lost Gibbo’s trail and couldn’t follow him the whole way. The next 2 times that Gibbo goes down to see Addair, Trots goes with him, but it only takes those two times for him to be lik e”yeah… you cant keep doing this dude and also I think we need to get Addair some “proper” medical attention or else hes going to die…” because at this point hes just been sitting with untreated crazy ass wounds from being BLOWN UP (they aren’t as bad as they would be because I think that the shape made them really physically strong, like they can take some crazy blows and be mostly ok) and they’re getting infected (IRONIC!!!!) because hes been sitting in these nasty ass pontoons for a while now and those wounds are FREAKED!!!!! SO Gibbo and Addair are both (very reluctantly on Addair’s part) “ok I guess☹️” and they VERY painstakingly make their way out of the pontoons because Addair can NOT move very well.

OIL RIG FAMILY REUNION!!!! The rest of them are NOT happy about Addair being here. They don’t feel threatened by him because… again he can barely move it snot like he can really do anything. But Gibbo and Trots vouch for him that he’s mostly normal now and isn’t going to try to kill them and also is trying his darndest to start being a better person. They agree to basically not kill him I guess and let him stay (Caz, Finlay, and O’Connor were against this decision but in the end they aren't going to actually leave him to die(Caz would actually I think)). So he gets the most lackluster medical treatment (basically just bandages and like…. Neosporin or something idk) and begins his terribly slow physical recovery process.

During this this time they finally are able to figure out that the reason rescue is taking so long is because the rigs communications got cut off so none of their messages actually went through and somehow Cadal hasn’t realized that something is wrong yet and nothing has been coming from the Beira D. TERRIBLE COMPANY I HATE YOU!!!!!

Ok i need to wrap this up im 3 pages into the google doc im writing this in oh em gee….. Anyway rescue finally comes eventually and they get back to shore and Cadal is like “ok guys so how about we DON’T talk about this or sue us over this or anything yeah 😊😊😊😊 we’ll give you some money if you don't talk about it <333” and they all just kind of have to oblige because otherwise they risk the safety of the infected if the public finds out about them. So they find a place to stay and then the rest of the AU is just me putting Addair THROUGH THE WRINGER. He is NOT having a good time… that's my promise to you…

“This is underdeveloped” I say and then write 3 pages worth of stuff for it….. and I didn't even really get into any of the character relationships.....

Anyway if you want to ask me anything else……. You know what to do……

Posting this and not opening tumblr for a while because I’m embarrassed about it LMAO… MY IRL FRIENDS ARE GOING TO SEE THIS THIS IS SO NOT COOL!!!!! I’m blocking you guys…..

#finally decided to tag it I don't care anymore.....#still wakes the deep #swtd

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thebrisingamen · 8 months ago

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Ridonculous Race

Taking a break from the Island Runs to to RR!! Also just as Pokemon, since there are SO many teams. Under the cut

Starting with

THE GOTHS: Crimson & Ennui are both Meowstics, since they're the most in-sync with each other and the most supportive toward each other in the entire series. Thus, a Meowstic Set makes sense since Psychic types can learn Dark type moves, and Meowstic has seen and survived the horrors.

Bonus, their Bunny Loki would be a Bunnelby

THE ICE DANCERS: Josee would be a Weavile, graceful but scheming, while her partner Jacques would be a Gallade; also graceful, while more well-meaning, loyal to a fault.

THE BESTIES: Devin would be a Slowbro because he is useful but man is this man dumb how tf did he never notice Carrie liking him like c'mon bro its OBVIOUS. Carrie is a Goomy as I think she means well, but she came off as a little clingy.

THE SURFERS: Geoff makes his return, and he is a Surfing Pikachu still, joined by his surfer friend Brody, who is an Alolan Raichu. Again, both of them are pretty chill and pick on vibes easily enough, but can get caught up in their own egos from time to time.

THE POLICE CADETS: Sanders is a Growlithe and MacArthur I made a Herdier as Sanders seems to be thoughtful and figure things out, While MacArthur is very loud and charges ahead without thinking things through all the time. By the time things wrap, they would both evolve into their final evolutions, to showcase their growth.

THE DATERS/THE HATERS: Stephanie and Ryan are pretty much constantly arguing and breaking up/making up, plus are self-proclaimed gym rats, so I made them Hitmonchan and Hitmonlee; constant rivals, working out, working well together but also easily becoming each others enemies, like they do in the show.

THE TENNIS PROS: I made Pete a Gumshoos and Gerry a Crabrawler. Honestly, I just picked pokemon that looked like old men for them, since that was their schtick.

THE SISTERS: These two took a while, since I wanted a related set of Pokemon. I eventually settled on making Emma a Gardevoir and Kitty a Kirlia, as both girls are reported to be smart but can get overwhelmed by emotion

FATHER AND SON: I couldn't figure out what to do with Dwayne for the longest time, until I settled on Delibird, because although it is cute, it could be considered a little goofy, dorky and older. It is why I made Jr a Shinx; younger pokemon, but a completely opposite type, to explain his disconnection with his father at times.

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER: Since they were clearly Kardashian parodies, I had to go for wealthy, fancy pokemon. They are also the least adept, so I went with Normal types for them. I made Kelly a Cinccino and Taylor a Delcatty.

THE FASHION BLOGGERS: I made them similar types or similar looking types of Pokemon, that had a lot to do with Fashion. Jen I made a Leavanny, which is noted to make its own clothes and the judgement of the middle evolution never left them. Tom I made a Lurantis, to differ him a bit but also keep him stylish.

THE GENIUSES: Obviously, both are psychic types. Ellody I made an Indeedee due to the tireless amount of work she puts into everything, and I made Mary a Farigiraf, as clearly the TD team design wanted her to be weird, but she's actually pretty cool; she's also more willing to adapt to other things, unlike her partner.

THE VEGANS: I made Laurie a Bayleef, as she seemed ready to throw down, especially after the food challenge and Bayleef is noted to kind of give of a vibe of aggression while being a plant pokemon. Miles I made a Lilligant, as once again another plant pokemon, whose performance can be quickly outstripped by others.

THE LARPers: Wow another one joke team. Anyways, to kind of match the vibes, I made Leonard a Medicham and Tammy and Escavalier. They were there so briefly, it was hard to think what others would fit.

THE ADVERSITY TWINS: I made Mickey a Feebas and Jay a Magikarp, as both ugly fish are portrayed as going through adversity and once they evolve, they do become better at surviving everything.

THE REALITY TV PROS: Owen and Noah have evolved from their stints on Total Drama to a Xatu and a Snorlax. See that post for their original pokemon choice.

THE ROCKERS: Spud is almost dumber than Devin, so I made him a Slowpoke, and Rock I made a Luxio; kind of in the middle of being useful but not too much.

Finally

THE STEP BROTHERS: Chet is a Pikachu-Colored Pichu and Lorenzo is a Spiky Eared Pichu. I specifically chose these Event pokemon because they were presented as a pair and are literally nearly identical, which the Step-Brothers, in personality, definitely are. They grow closer through the challenge and end up becoming friends, but enemies at first.

Bonus:

DON, THE HOST: Persian, as he's also part of the original 151 like Chris, but he's a much less successful host as we only meet/see him in RR, but he's got better stats. More than likely because he invested his time/money better

BLAINELY: I don't care for her enough to give her a pokemon. I guess she'd be a weezing or grimer, considering? Poison Type, anyways

#total drama ridonculous race #continuing this series #I added the hosts here #though tbh so many characters are barely in this #so im not doing super side characters #TDPI is up next #and then the new series #TDI and pokemon #Pokemon and TDI

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ratdadarts · 6 years ago

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"Not all men" ur absolutely right Chase Brody would never treat me this way

#jacksepticeye #jse chase #chase brody #chase bro average #jacksepticeye egos #jacksepticegos #jacksepticeye chase #shitpost #rat boi yells #its 11:30 and im half asleep

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getgcne · 3 years ago

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The Head On survivor perk but now it’s Brody’s and he just hides in lockers until an unsuspecting survivor stumbles upon him and then just fucking headbutts them

#PUNKASS HUNTER AROUND (shitposting)#ok ok ok for real gonna shower and stuff now i just #cant get the idea out of my head #of DBD brody just hiding in tight spaces and just leaping at poor fucking survivors #or other killers just like bro get the fUCK out of my domAIN dont you have a hOME you little rAT

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torishasupremacy · 4 years ago

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total drama characters as stuff i've heard ppl say during virtual learning

Noah: What do you lose most often? My dignity.

Sierra: Internet be like: popping off.

Leshawna: I have no shame and whatever, I have great dance moves that the world should see.

Trent: Take your guitar and get out of Applebees.

Courtney: That’s what I’d say I was. Little, but aggressive. I could kill you.

Justin: He’s a very pretty boy.

Gwen: Gendering a dog to begin with is cringe.

Izzy: I can’t tell if it’s too early in the morning or if you all think I’m crazy. Both options are fine.

Ezekiel: I don’t know a lot about… stuff

Owen: I put my soul into this big wheel of cheese just for you.

Heather: You want an actual healthy friendship? That’s a first.

Geoff: I opened my little notebook to get some paper and three sexy cowboy stickers fell out.

DJ: I just tried to bless my cat and he bit me.

Beth: I am not a screamer, okay.

Duncan: We don’t care about the authorities here, that’s for sure.

Cody: That is Country Roads Take Me Home on ocarina.

Harold: Gotta love how the Polish national novel is about Poland getting invaded by 3 countries at once including Sweden.

Tyler: What do you mean how do you play sports in quarantine? You just go to a park and go ham.

Alejandro: Last time I was in Ojai my brother broke both of his arms. Fun story.

Lindsay: Pomeranian? Is that a horse breed?

Mike: This man seems unnecessarily tall.

Dawn: Oh dear. Oh my. Oh Septimus Prime. Oh dear.

Zoey: What a classic kerfuffle.

Scott: I felt like a wet rat. Wet rats are unhappy, if you didn’t know.

Dakota: Turn on your cameras and be known.

Scarlett: To use the academic language for it, to vampire the self.

Sugar: I want to feel the soft Nevada dirt on my arms, legs, and body.

Max: I’ve been thinking about how to use the standard chair as a weapon most effectively.

Sammy: Y’all I’m a horse. Too subservient.

Dave: I am… I am losing my mind.

Shawn: Lawnmowers are really better at removing toes. Teeth are really the weed whacker thing.

Jasmine: If something is green and it’s not on plants you should never ever ingest it

Brody: Bro if you don’t make me salami peanut butter surprise.

Devin: My name is Herbert Truffle and my wife left me.

Josee: I thought I had mind powers this whole time.

Sanders: Look, I don’t think you’re really fork lift certified.

Ennui: It’s not that I’m doing fine, it’s that I’ve reached a level of indifference where nothing really affects me anymore.

MacArthur: The glass breaking your knuckles makes them stronger. I know this from experience.

Dwayne: I have to get someone else in my house having a meeting to close the door. I won’t mention names, because that would not be fair to my wife.

Crimson: I love wearing my gothic sabatons while dressing up in traditional Swedish garb and listening to power metal.

Stephanie: I yell, so just get used to it. But I mean it with lots of love.

Laurie: I think crystals- I don’t have any. But auras are like, chill.

Ellody: I love segmented bar charts and you should too.

Chef: Who doesn’t have three bodies in their basement?

Chris: Welcome to the lawless zone, everybody.

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immabethehero · 4 years ago

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Schneeplestein Apparently Has a Heart

The good doctor’s birthday is here and of course I wrote a story! Just warning, this story is quite dark. Read the trigger warnings below.

TW: Suicide attempt by gunshot (not seen, just implied), suicidal thoughts and words, extreme distress, minor violence, blood mentioned.

For the short amount of time that Jackieboy Man and Marvin the Magnificent have lived with Dr. Henrik Nicholas von Schneeplestein, MD, PhD, MVP, FFS, they have learned a few important lessons, or rules:

NEVER, under any circumstances, touch the top left cupboard on the outside of the kitchen opening. That’s where Schneep’s coffee supply is, and if you touch it, even ONCE, Schneep will be out for your blood.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you mention Schneep’s wife, Lisette Schneeplestein. Apparently, the French brunette whom Schneep has been married to for the past 7 years has fucked off (Schneep’s words) back to France with her tennis instructor, Rick, short for Ricardo (Italian, apparently) and taken their two daughters with her. (Schneep has cleaned out Lisette and the girls’ rooms, and all the belongings they have left behind, in their efforts to leave so quickly, are packed away in storage containers in the garage. Schneep has yet to mail them to Lisette’s new address.)

DO NOT wake Schneep earlier than 10 AM in the morning if it’s his one day off. Despite having an early bird’s job, Schneep is not a morning person. Another reason why Schneep is dependent on coffee.

UNLESS it is an emergency, no one but Schneep is allowed in his office. As there are so many things to keep track of, and so many papers that could easily be misplaced, it is best not to touch, or even go inside the office, lest you want to throw the doctor off his game or have the doctor throw you off a cliff.

Despite these four unspoken yet very specific rules, Marvin and Jackie have learned one more this past month: despite the doctor’s arrogant, haughty, snappy, disgusting, even FERAL demeanour, he truly is a good person.

It just took a new ego to show them that.

March 30th, 2017. Schneep’s mail has been unceremoniously thrown onto the dining room table. Schneep’s hands, long and graceful, slide through the envelopes and fliers, organizing them into piles, from taxes and business inquiries to subscriptions and sales.

Jackie lazily eats his cereal, watching Schneep sort through the mail like a madman. Geez, just how popular is this guy?! It’s almost as wild as Jack’s mail. At least there’s more interesting stuff for Jack... drawings, letters of encouragement and thanks, even the rare crocheted or sculpted gift.

Schneep freezes when he comes across a particular letter, one with a cutesy pin cupcake logo. His eyes grow solemn as he picks it up and shakily opens it. Jackie cocks his head.

“Something wrong, doctor?” he asks lightly.

Schneep looks up. “Hm? Oh!” He sighs. “It’s from a baking class Sophia and I used to take together. Lisette had insisted I learn how to cook as well, so it wouldn’t always be her making the meals, and she figured it would be good bonding for me and Sophia. Soph loved those classes. We’d learn all sorts of fascinating recipes and bring the results home. They were fun, and very sweet.”

Jackie nods seriously. He knows he should leave it there, but something’s confusing him. “It’s been quite a few months since you stopped going. Why are they sending you stuff now?”

Schneep unfolds the letter. As he reads it, his eyes widen and a smile begins curling at his lips.

Somehow, that only makes more questions. “What…?”

“It’s not the company themself, it’s Chase! He was a friend from the classes! I haven’t spoken to him in forever! He’s such a lovely person, it’d be nice to see him again!” Schneep grabs his phone and hastily types in the number at the bottom of the letter. He squeals and runs off, like a teenager who just got a text from their crush.

The letter lies on the table, open for all to read. Jackie knows better than to pry into other people’s lives, but this letter is wide open, and it’s not like Schneep needs to know, so the superhero leans over and reads.

Hey Henrik,

This is probably weird to get, but I lost your phone number and I don’t know what your address is, so I asked the dudes at the baking class if I could send a letter to you via their services.

It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, and I thought I’d better check in and see how you’re doing, see how bachelor life is treating you. Stacy and the kids miss seeing you as well. I wanna talk to you again.

My cell is #1273-545-8903.

Hope to see you soon!

Chase Brody

Chase Brody. That sounds like an American to Jackie’s ears. He does seem like a good person, if Schneep’s reaction wasn’t enough. He must have been a friend for Schneep when the doctor went through his divorce.

The name itself sounds familiar, like a local celebrity or something. Jackie makes a mental note to look it up later. He leans back and finishes his cereal just as Schneep comes back, holding his phone out. Marvin finally emerges, his green hair resembling a rat’s nest, and no mask. Jackie takes pride in the fact that Marvin now feels comfortable enough to show his face in front of Schneep and Jackie.

“Well, change of plans, I won’t be able to come home in time for dinner with you guys,” Schneep announces. Jackie nods.

“Wait what? Why?” Marvin slurs, slumping down at the dining room table.

“I’m going to see Chase after my shift today. We agreed to meet in the park,” Schneep explains curtly, and leaves.

“Did I miss something?” Marvin asks, turning to Jackie. Jackie nods down to the letter. Marvin leans over to read, only for the letter to be snatched up by the doctor.

“Who said you could go through my stuff?!” Schneep snapped. He stormed off, letter clutched firmly in his hand. Marvin sneers at Jackie, who only shrugs and winks. The magician rolls his eyes, but he understands. A shrug and a wink means I’ll tell you later.

Schneep throws on his brown coat and grabs his bag. “Have a nice day, boys. If I don’t see you later tonight, sweet dreams and I’ll see you in the morning.” He flies out, coat flapping behind him.

“He’s gotta show me how he rocks an overcoat so well. I’m jealous of the way he holds himself. So professional,” Marvin remarks. He quickly turns to Jackie. “Spill the tea.”

“Schneep’s meeting an old friend from a baking class he used to take with his daughter,” Jackie says. “His name is Chase Brody. The name sounds so familiar to me, and I don’t know why.”

“Look it up on your phone,” Marvin suggests. Jackie does just that.

Immediately, Wikipedia comes to the egos’ rescue. Chase Brody, (born April 11th, 1988) is an American-Irish Youtuber who is best known for his Youtube channel, Bro Average. As of February 2017, his channel has over 20 million views and over 10 million subscribers.

“Oh yeah, the trickshot vlogger!” Jackie says. “I like watching his stuff, he’s a funny dude.”

Marvin nods. “He must have kids as well. He wouldn’t be taking classes if he didn’t.”

Jackie scrolls down to Personal Life. “‘Chase is married to Stacy Matthews, and they have three children as of 2017, two biological twins, and one recently adopted daughter.’” The selfie provided shows a man with fair skin and bright blue eyes standing next to a red-headed lady doing a duckface.

“Hm. Sounds like he’s living the good life,” Marvin says. “A well-paid job, a nice family, a happy life.”

Boy, is he wrong.

At 5 PM exactly, Schneep sits at the bench by the great oak tree, waiting for Chase. He wraps his blue and navy scarf tighter around his neck as a cool breeze whisks by. Despite what the weather people promised, Athlone is nowhere near warm, despite it being spring. He examines the park-goers who walk by, picking up on every accident that could occur.

Parents swinging their child up and down: a broken arm, arms could pull out of their sockets, or the child could fall on their head and get a concussion. Or worse, permanent brain injuries.

Kids climbing trees: Another chance to fall and hit their tiny heads and sustain brain damage, if not that, broken limbs and splinters.

Teenagers skateboarding: more broken bones and limbs, but at least SOME are smart enough to put pads and helmets on. Others have no chance of recovering fully from brain damage or concussions should they fall on their heads-

“Henrik!” Henrik snaps to life and looks around. A man wearing a puffy black jacket, torn jeans and a snapback with a pink skull on it runs over to him. Schneep stands up.

“Chase Brody! Wie geht es dir mein freund?” Schneep cries out in delight, holding his arms out. Chase happily throws himself into them.

“I’m doing as well as I can, at least. It’s so good to see your face,” Chase sighs. He nuzzles Henrik’s hair, taking in the sanitizer and mint smell he’s gotten used to. “I’ve missed you.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Schneep says. “Come, sit down next to me! Tell me how things have been. How are Stacy and your kids? Has Chloe adjusted to the new timezone yet?” Chloe is Chase’s recently adopted daughter from China. Schneep’s last visit with the Brody’s involved meeting her.

Chase’s smile fades and he sits down next to Schneep. “Um…”

Schneep’s stomach sinks. “That’s never good. What happened? Who died?!”

“Calm down, Henrik!” Chase exclaims. “No one died! Everyone’s fine. Chloe’s adjusted quite nicely.”

“Then why do you look so sad?!” Schneep cries.

Chase fidgets with his jacket zipper, mumbling incomprehensibly. Henrik leans closer. “Didn’t catch that.”

“StacyandIaregettingadivorce,” Chase whispers. Schneep’s stomach flips and sinks.

“What?”

“Stacy and I are getting divorced,” Chase repeats, louder now. “She said she still loves me, but not quite in a… romantic way, I guess. She wants us to just be friends.”

“Well, at least she still wants to be on friendly terms, I guess!” Schneep says. “Still, I can’t believe it… you two were such a sweet couple… so in love…”

“There’s another reason why she wants a divorce,” Chase admits. Schneep’s eyes turn wide as saucers.

“She’s seeing someone. An old friend from high school. I’ve seen her texts,” Chase says. He scrunches up the end of his shirt, nose wrinkling. Schneep hears him sniff.

“I don’t know how long it’s gone on… and I know she didn’t mean to… but still…” Chase finally looks up, eyes tearing. “How could she do that? I would have been okay with it! Maybe. I don’t know!” Chase buries his face in his hands.

Schneep pats Chase’s shoulder gently. He can’t believe Stacy cheated! She and Chase were such a romantic couple! They seemed so happy! Why would Stacy throw that all away for some whore? “What a bitch…”

Chase suddenly whacks Schneep’s hand off, eyes fierce. “Don’t call her that! It’s not like that! At least she still wants me in her life! She’s not like Lisette!” An awkward silence fills the air.

Chase gasps. “Henrik, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it that way-”

“Oh!” Schneep cries. “It’s fine! It’s no big deal!” Yeah, that was a low blow, but he would rather Chase doesn’t end up like him: cranky, alienating, friendless, alone. He needs a friend more than ever.

“No it’s not, I just sunk really low! You must be furious-”

“I’m not, I promise!” He’s not, surprisingly. Is this growth?! What the fuck?!

“I need to control myself better. I’m a grownup, for fuck’s sake, I should know better…” Chase moans, burrowing his head in his hands again.

“Chase!” Schneep exclaims. “You mustn’t beat yourself up like that! You’re one of my very best friends, which isn’t saying much because I don’t have any, but still! You have to be one of the nicest people I know! You’re anything but a dick!”

“I feel like you’re just saying that to make me feel better,” Chase mumbles, rubbing his eyes.

“I’m not, I swear !” Schneep says.

“I’m sorry, Henrik, I really am,” Chase says.

“I forgive you,” Schneep says, and means it. “I’m serious.”

“I should go,” Chase decides, standing. Schneep gets up as well.

“What? No! I’m not mad!” he protests.

“It’s my turn to pick the kids up,” Chase snaps. “I’ll see you around, Henrik. Sorry I can’t stay long.” He briskly runs off.

Schneeplestein yells and kicks the bench. “FUCK! FUCK! AAAHHH!!!”

Other park visitors turn in confusion, watching the strange man kick the bench and scream.

Schneep freezes when he notices everyone staring at him. He storms back to his car, slams the door shut and continues his screaming.

Once Schneep has finished “releasing his anger” (Jackie’s words, not his) he “reflects on the situation” (also Jackie’s words). What could he do to make Chase feel better?

He stays in the car for an hour, letting the world pass by as he thinks. By the time the sun has set, he has an idea.

Jackie and Marvin glare at each other from across the hall. Sirius the cat has hidden, choosing not to get involved. The little pegs in the cribbage board are neck-in-neck, both pegs exactly 4 steps away from the end hole. The egos stare at their cards.

“Four,” Jackie announces, putting the card down.

“Fourteen,” Marvin says.

The door flies open and Schneep rushes in, hair windswept and out of breath. “Where’s Jack?!” he demands.

“Out in his universe,” Jackie responds. “Fifteen for two!” He puts down an ace.

“Sixteen for two!” Marvin slams the ace down, looking triumphant. Jackie flips him off.

“When will he visit?!” Schneep questions.

“When he wishes,” Jackie responds. “Twenty-five!”

“How can I contact him?!”

“Why are you so interested?!” Marvin asks. “Thirty-one, bitch!” He flips Jackie off.

“I have a request for him!” Schneep responds curtly.

“What kind?” Jackie asks.

“It’s for a friend,” Schneep brushes him off, heading to his lab.

“Chase Brody?” Marvin guesses. Jackie kicks him.

Schneep turns around. “What did you say?”

Marvin gulps. “You left your letter on the table for me to read. I was fast enough to catch the gist before you snatched it up. So how is Chase Brody?”

Schneep growls softly and walks back to the table. Marvin sits up with his head held high, bracing himself for the punishment. No matter what Schneep does, slugging, kicking, ruining his hair, the magician can take it. He’s been through worse.

To Marvin and Jackie’s surprise, Schneep pulls up a chair and sits down. The doctor takes a deep breath. “Chase Brody is divorcing his wife. That’s all I’m going to say.”

Jackie and Marvin nod in understanding. “That’s sad to hear,” Jackie remarks, solemnly.

“But how’s talking to Jack going to help?” Marvin queries.

“I want him to make a video for Chase,” Schneep says. “If this so-called community exists, I want to see them show their love for Chase! It’s the least he deserves!”

Marvin and Jackie catch each other’s gaze. Schneep glares at Jackie expectantly.

“Well? You’ve lived with Jack the longest. How do you contact him?!” Schneep demands.

“I have his number in case of emergencies, but I’ve never had a reason to call him! I don’t even know if he’s available,” Jackie explains.

“He has to be. What else does a man who plays video games for a living do?!” Schneep snaps, incredulous. “It’s not like he has to be places or anything!” He looms over Jackie, a desperate, pleading look in his eyes. Jackie nearly topples out of his chair.

“I guess I could give it a shot,” the superhero mumbles.

Schneep squeals in delight and wraps his arms tightly around Jackie in what Jackie assumes to be a hug. The superhero pats the doctor’s arms, taken aback by his strength.

After a few sickeningly sweet seconds, Marvin pipes up, “Uh, doc? I think Jackie needs to be able to breathe in order to call Jack.”

Sheepishly, Schneeplestein lets Jackie go. The superhero gulps in big gasps of air, before grabbing his phone and dialing Jack’s number.

A day later, Jack McLoughlin sits at the egos’ dining room table, chomping away on mashed potatoes and a juicy steak.

“My goodness, you never told me what a good chef you were, Schneep!” he sighs in ecstasy.

Schneep bows his head, face glowing red. Jackie raises an eyebrow. Schneep almost NEVER blushes when given a compliment. It’s strange to see the doctor act so shy and humble around someone, especially Jack. It feels like only yesterday Schneep was bombarding Jack with questions about where he came from and how the alternate universe worked. Since that day, Jack has quickly risen to become one of Schneep’s favourite people on the planet. Not that Jackie is jealous or anything…

“Just a little recipe I learned for my wife…” Schneep mutters, playing with the end of his lab coat. Across the table, Marvin snickers lightly, watching the doctor fumble for words. Finally, some entertainment!

“So, what was the call for?” Jack asks. “Just wanted to say hi?” His expression darkens. “Is it Anti? What did he do?!”

“It’s not Anti. We haven’t heard from him for a while!” Jackie says. Jack sighs in relief.

“I mean, I know I made that video for PAX and all but I just wanted to make sure,” Jack says.

“You made an Anti video for PAX?!” Marvin cries. “Why?”

“Because the fans would enjoy it! Also because I was running out of ideas for what to do for an opening,” Jack admits. “It just seemed like the right amount of fun and originality without being too over the top!”

“When is Anti not over the top?” Jackie scoffs. That earns a laugh from the others.

“Actually, it’s Schneep who has a question for you,” Marvin says.

Jack turns to Schneeplestein. Schneep’s smile disappears. He looks around the table, watching everyone’s gaze. He grins nervously at Jack.

“Could I ask you in private? This stuff… it is… personal.”

“Sure. Let’s go,” Jack says, standing up. Schneep follows after him.

In the upstairs hallway, Schneep spills everything. He explains who Chase is, what’s going on in his life, and how he believes making Chase an ego could help his situation.

“Make another ego? Oh god, I’m having enough trouble managing you all right now,” Jack admits.

“All you have to do is make one video. The fans can do the rest,” Schneep presses.

“How?”

“By showing their love for Chase! He’s a funny and sweet guy! Your fans would love him!”

“How will the community’s love help a man struggling with a divorce?” Jack questions.

“Their love will lift his spirits and he will feel more confident and happy! You said you noticed a difference in us after the community made content of us! If that is really true, then I want to see them show their love for Chase. It’s the least he deserves!”

Jack is silent, contemplating the pros and cons. Finally, he sighs and says, “Can you show me what he usually does?”

Schneep types something into his phone. He logs onto Youtube and types a channel name into the search bar. Bro Average.

“Bro Average? Is that a parody of Dude Perfect?” Jack asks, chuckling.

“Well, it’s because there’s only one person performing every stunt, and because it’s less... professional than the other channel,” Schneep explains. “For example-”

The video shows Chase at a park, holding a Nerf gun and wearing a goofy grin. “Sup, guys! I’m Chase, and welcome to Bro Average!” He shoots a nerf dart off-screen, only for it to crash into something, invoking a cat screech. Chase pretends to be startled.

It flashes forward to Chase in a tree. “This one’s called, ‘Multitasking’!” He hangs off a branch while trying to knock over six cups stacked up on each other with darts. Jack can’t stop snickering at Chase’s antics, as he wobbles and threatens to lose his balance. Chase yelps and squeals, and a few times, swearing can be heard, though it’s censored by loud beeps. Finally, Chase hits his target, just as the branch snaps. Chase whoops with glee as he crashes onto the ground, the branch smacking into his head. His cameraman runs over to him, worried, but Chase is rolling on the ground in laughter as tears run down his face.

“He is not nearly as good as the professionals, but his humour and authenticness bring in the fans,” Schneep says, smiling.

“He sounds like a blast!” Jack takes the phone and begins to skim through Chase’s videos. “I bet I could make something work! I’ll borrow an office space, bring a couple friends and film a few shots! Can’t be that hard!”

“So you will do it?!” Schneep cries.

“Absolutely! Give me a couple days and it will be ready!”

Schneep cheers and engulfs Jack in a bear hug. Jack laughs and pats his friend’s back. It’s nice to see the doctor open up at last to his new roommates and creator, and so quickly, as well. Jack decides Schneep can be rewarded for his good nature by granting his wish and helping out a new friend.

A few weeks pass. Schneeplestein schedules more visits with Chase. The two fathers laugh and chat, learning more about each other and discussing whatever they please without the worry of kids hearing. Schneep feels his spirits lift whenever he sees Chase’s snapback and hears his cheerful voice.

In the night, a familiar sensation returns to the egos’ dreams. Sounds of a Nerf gun, kids laughing and on the rare occasion, a man crying fills the egos’ heads as they sleep. Schneep feels his heart break when he hears Chase’s cries. He hopes this video will help Chase. It has to.

April 11th, 2017. The egos are gathered around the dining room table, Jack’s Youtube account open on his laptop.

Jack idly sits at the centre, waiting for Schneep to arrive with Chase. Marvin and Jackie play another round of cribbage, and this time Jackie seems to be way ahead on the board, much to the magician’s dismay.

“I’m going to be skunked! I hate this game so fucking much!” Marvin gripes, as he receives two points for his math efforts.

Jackie snickers as he counts his cards. “This takes both luck and skill. You’re a fast learner, Marv. I’m sure you’ll pull through soon.”

“Not soon enough,” grumbles Marvin as Jackie moves his peg 16 points.

The door opens and Schneep walks in with Chase Brody right behind him. Compared to the laughing man with the warm aura in Google Images, this Chase looks cold and kind of grumpy.

“Chase, this is Jack McLoughlin, our ‘creator’ and a wonderful man,” Schneep introduces. Jack awkwardly holds his hand out for a shake. Even though he’s seen versions of himself several times this past year, it’s still rather unnerving to be given death stares by himself but with yellow hair, snapback and a fair share of freckles.

“Jack, this is Chase Brody, your newest ego and the face of Bro Average!” Schneep continues. Chase raises an eyebrow.

“Ego? Like alter ego?” Chase turns to the others, and realizes that they share the same hair and face. “Oh... my... dog. Am I a fictional character?! Is this a character intervention with the narrator?! Whatever happened, I promise, I didn’t do it! Sally encouraged me to eat the worm!” Chase kneels before Jack, cowering and whimpering.

Jack chuckles nervously. “Relax, Chase! Technically, you are a fictional character-” Chase shrieks in alarm.

“But only in another universe. You’re very much a real person in this one,” Schneep concludes, helping Chase up by the arm. Chase shakes the doctor off and Schneep tries his best to hide his hurt.

“To put it simply, some of the videos on my channel don’t exist in this universe. This is because they’re about you… egos,” Jack recites. “You’re the most recent ego, however, your video and beginnings are a bit different because I already had some course material to go off of.”

Jack clicks play on the video. Chase sits down and gasps as Jack-as-Chase flies around the office, performing trickshots and screaming like a toddler who drank too much apple juice. Is… is this him?! The accuracy! Holy shit! They even got his bloopers right! Creepy!!! Is he being stalked?!

Schneep watches from afar, fidgeting with his lab coat. Chase hasn’t moved once since the video started. He doesn’t look angry… but at the same time, he doesn’t seem to be enjoying his Power Hour. Truth be told, it’s not like the Doctor particularly likes his Power Hour either. Jack didn’t have to go and mention his cheating wife… or the fact that Peter did die at one point… Nonetheless, Chase is just sitting there, with wide eyes.

Jack, on the other hand, is already regretting what he did. Perhaps he emphasized too much on the “Not-As-Professional-Or-Successful” part. Maybe he made Chase too goofy or not as three-dimensional as he could have. The Youtuber catches a glimpse of the screen. Oh no. It’s the part with-

“Stacy, please, I know, I’m trying to get all the shots, look, just please don’t take the kids!” Jack-as-Chase pleads. Schneep and Jack-in-the-flesh turn white as a ghost. Chase frowns.

“This one’s called, ‘I’m Staying At My Sister’s This Weekend’!” Jack-as-Chase announces. It flashes back to him on the phone. “Well, I don’t care what your sister says! Just please! At least let me see them on the weekend still!”

Jack scratched his neck nervously and teethed on his knuckles, face beet red. Chase looks horrified. Schneep looks just as worried. Marvin and Jackie awkwardly stand up to leave.

Chase pauses the video just as Jack-as-Chase sobs. He takes a deep breath and turns to face his “creator”. “So… are you the reason my wife and I are getting a divorce?”

Jack gapes, taken aback by Chase’s accusation. He doesn’t want to throw Schneep under the bus, but at the same time, Chase wasn’t exactly “created” like the others-

“Not exactly!” Schneep interferes. “It… it was my idea. I thought if I got Jack to make a tribute video in honour of you, it would help you!”

“Help me?!” Chase laughs, a harsh and cold sound compared to his whoops and chuckles in his videos. “How?! By running my wife’s name through the dirt?!” Jack flinches.

“Fair enough,” Schneep says with a groan. “I should have been more specific when I said divorce and kids.”

“You told-?!”

“I thought if you knew you had a big name on your side you’d feel better! It was supposed to be a little treat!” Schneep counters.

“Oh, what am I, a little pity party to you?” Chase snaps. “My divorce was private information, Schneep. Why else did you think I wanted to talk to you alone?! Now the whole world knows and Stacy’s going to be treated horribly because of you shits-”

“Not the whole world!” Schneep exclaims. “Just… all… of Jack’s world.”

“Shut up,” Chase hisses. “I don’t care that there’s more than one universe. So be it. What I care about is the fact that you betrayed my trust and now people are going to treat Stacy like she was a freaking bitch. This may come as a surprise to both you and Jack, but not all women are cheating whores like Lisette, asshole!”

SMACK. Chase cries out. The egos and Jack huddle together. Schneep’s breathing slows as he registers the sting in his hand and Chase rubbing his red cheek.

Schneep takes a deep breath, and in chilling, low, icy words, he snarls, “Don’t ever say her name again.”

Chase recovers from the slap and storms over to the door. “Whatever. You know what?! Stay away from me and whatever’s left of my family. I don’t care if I’m a part of your ‘creator’s’ story or whatever, I JUST WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE.” Chase grabs his coat and slams the door shut with a loud BANG. Schneep remains at the dining room, breathing unsteadily, vision somewhat blurry.

“Doctor? Are you alright?” Jackie whispers, reaching a hand out.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” Schneep runs upstairs to his room and slams the door. Muffled sobs soon echo down the hallway.

Jack’s heart breaks in two. He really thought this video was a good idea. Somehow, all it brought was pain. He sighs defeatedly and slumps down at the table. Marvin closes the laptop.

“Shit… that was awful…”

“And it was supposed to be Chase’s birthday present!” Jack moans. “Ahhhhh, I feel like an asshole… I shouldn’t have been so mean…”

“It’s not your fault…” Jackie soothes. “You made an assumption and played it with satire. Schneep shares some of the blame as well. He should have kept that part quiet.”

“And I should have kept that out of the video…” Jack sighs. “Now Chase feels even worse about the divorce and he wants nothing to do with us…”

Jackie and Marvin sit down beside Jack and rub his back. Jack sighs again and rests his head on the table.

Upstairs, Schneep screams into his pillow, tears finally flowing. He hates himself and Chase and everything that’s happened. That’s what he gets for helping a friend. Ungrateful bastard-

No. Schneep should have known better! That was private information, he had no right poking his nose in and telling everyone. Well, it was just one person, but still! Now Chase never wants to speak to him again and he’s lost the only friend he’s had in a while and everything sucks and he just wants to curl up and die. Schneep pulls his hair and screams again. He can’t sleep, but at the same time, he can’t do anything else. So he remains in bed, crying and thinking. Eventually, long into the night, he falls asleep, cheeks wet and eyes sore.

Schneep wakes up feeling like absolute shit. His cheeks are somewhat sticky and damp. He must have been crying in his sleep. His stomach feels awful. But it’s a work day, so he gets out of bed.

Schneep stumbles into his ensuite bathroom and splashes cold water on his face. He shudders when he sees his reflection. Grey skin, messy hair, red eyes. He doesn’t smell so good either. Sighing sadly, Schneep throws off his clothes and turns on the shower faucet.

When he hops out of the shower, he puts on his scrubs and grabs his spare labcoat. He trudges downstairs, where Marvin is waiting with fluffy chocolate-chip pancakes on the table.

“Morning, doc,” Marvin greets cheerfully. His smile fades when he sees Schneep’s ashen face. “Everything alright?”

“I’m fine,” Schneep replies hoarsely.

“I made you some coffee,” Marvin continues. “I know you like it.”

Schneep grunts softly and pours himself a large cup. As he drinks he heads to the hook of keys by the front door, only to find-

“Where are my keys?” Schneep asks, staring at the space where his car keys used to hang.

“I saw Sirius knock them off earlier,” Marvin replies, flipping through the nearest magazine. “I tried to catch her, but she’s so fast.”

“Where is she right now?” Schneep inquires, trying to sound as calm as possible.

“Beats me. I can’t control her,” Marvin says calmly.

Schneep growls and pounds on the table. Marvin jumps slightly, but quickly recovers and goes back to his reading.

“This isn’t funny, Marvin. I need to get to work!” Schneep snaps. “I’m already falling behind schedule.”

Marvin snorts, looking up from the magazine. “You think you’re fit to go to work? Your face is bright pink, you’ve got large shadows under your eyes and I heard you crying for who knows how many hours last night.”

“I have allergies! They were just acting up!” Schneep snaps.

“Oh, really? Allergies? That’s rich coming from the man who claims to have ‘the strongest immune system in the world’!” Marvin scoffs.

“Even the strongest immune systems have off days, okay?!”

“That doesn’t even make any sense! Henrik, are you even hearing yourself?!”

Schneep fights back more tears. “Marvin, please, tell me where the keys are! I can’t be late for work!”

“And you won’t be! I called the hospital and asked them to give you a day off!” Marvin says.

Schneep almost drops his mug. “You… you did what?!”

“I told them it was a family emergency,” Marvin admits. “And that we didn’t know how long it would be. They understood, told me to tell you to take as many days off as you need.”

“Which is none,” Schneep scowls. “I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.”

“Yes, I am!”

“Henrik, you said you didn’t want Chase to go through his divorce alone and friendless, like you. You’re going through a tough time right now. The last thing you need is to be alone.”

Schneep gapes at the magician, tears threatening to fall. Marvin stares back, heart thumping loudly. He prays he didn’t say the wrong thing. He hopes this works.

Maybe it’s because he didn't get enough sleep, or maybe it’s because he’s never had anyone be so concerned for his well-being that they screwed up his schedule, but Henrik finally lets his anguish go, and collapses, bawling like a little baby. Marvin gets down from his seat and wraps his arms around the doctor, soothing him and singing softly.

Jackie finally emerges from the bathroom, and joins the cuddle pile in the kitchen. As Henrik finally slumps completely into Marvin’s arms, he and the superhero high-five and move the sleeping doctor into the living room for a day of Netflix and cuddles.

Five days pass. Henrik sits at his desk, tapping his pen. In front of him is the start of a letter, with only the words “Dear Chase,” written on it. He needs to apologize to Chase, but just doing it by text seems insensitive. So written letter it is! Now… where to start…

Dear Chase,

I’m sorry. What I did was wrong and there’s no way to excuse my behaviour. I really believed I was doing the right thing by telling Jack, but I should have known better than to air dirty laundry.

The doctor shakes his head and crumples up the page. He can do better than that. Now to start over-

His phone begins playing the familiar sound of a monitor beeping. He really needs to change his ringtone. It’s too painful to hear after all the dead patients that came with it.

Henrik freezes when he notices the name. Chase. Why is he calling? Heart thumping and hands shaking, Henrik picks up the phone.

“Hello? Chase?”

“H-hi, d-doc…” Chase answers in a raspy whisper. The sound of sniffling is not lost on Henrik.

“Chase? Are you okay?”

“Not really…” Another sniffle. “But I will be… soon.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m sorry for all the shit I said… It was wrong of me to bring up your own divorce… I-I shouldn’t have been so harsh…”

“No, Chase, I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have brought up your divorce in the first place! I thought I was doing good by telling Jack, but he clearly misinterpreted it. I shouldn’t have mentioned it…”

“It’s alright… you were just trying to make me feel bet-better… I just overreacted… I overreact to eve-everything… I’m such a bay-baby.” Chase sounds like he’s holding back tears.

“No you’re not. You had every right to be mad… I’m sorry for slapping you. How’s your cheek?”

Schneep hears Chase chuckle softly. “It’s fine… It doesn’t hurt as much as other injuries…” The laugh turns into a sob.

“Other injuries?! What do you mean?!” Henrik demands. “Chase, you’re worrying me!”

“I’m sorry… I can’t seem to do anything right… All I do is upset people…” Chase is outright crying now.

“Chase, please tell me where you are,” Henrik pleads, getting up. “I need to make sure you’re okay!”

“No… I don’t think you’ll want to see this…” Chase mumbles. He takes a deep but shuddery breath. “I have to go. Goodbye, Henrik.”

“Chase?! CHASE?!” Henrik screams. The phone line goes dead. Henrik yelps and quickly rushes into his contacts. He finds Stacy’s name and calls her.

She answers on the first ring. “Henrik? It’s been so long! How are you?”

“Where is Chase right now?”

“What?”

“Where is he living?”

“What’s going on? What did he say to you? Is he okay?”

“Call 999. I don’t believe so.”

Henrik hangs up and dashes out of his office, up the stairs and to the front door, where he grabs his keys and coat. Marvin and Jackie sit at the kitchen island, both on their phones.

“Henrik? What’s going on?”

“I have to go to the hospital. I’ll be back,” Henrik answers curtly. He throws on his coat and leaves.

Henrik runs into the hospital and quickly signs himself in. A nurse comes by and squeaks in surprise when she sees him.

“Dr. Schneeplestein? What are you doing here? Isn’t today your day off?”

“Time is broken, Cass,” Dr. Schneeplestein replies. He dashes off to the emergency room. Cass quickens her pace, trying her best to catch up to him.

“Have there been any emergencies yet?” Schneep demands.

“I think an ambulance is arriving soon-” Cass begins.

“Who’s the patient?” Schneep asks.

“A man attempted suicide-” Cass starts.

“I’ll treat him,” Schneep announces.

The doors open and medics rush in, driving a man on a gurney. Schneep pales when he sees red. The good doctor swallows his fear and tears. Now is not the time to be a baby. He’s not called the good doctor for nothing. Time to save Chase’s life.

Hours later, five nurses come in to find Dr. Schneeplestein exhaustedly sobbing against the wall, shoulders convulsing as he cries into his hands. On the gurney lies a man with yellow hair poking out of a large bandage wrapped around his head. The monitor beeps rhythmically, and the man’s chest rises and falls slowly. So why is the doctor crying?

Three nurses wheel Chase out while the other two bend down next to Schneep. One nurse, Kate, tentatively places a hand on his shoulder. He jumps in shock.

“Schneeplestein? Are you alright?” Kate asks.

Schneep smiles shakily. “He’ll live…” He shivers and whimpers. “Oh god… so much could have happened… So much could have gone wrong… I thought I lost him a few times...” the doctor breaks off with another sob.

“Why don’t you head home? Today is your day off,” Kate suggests.

“In a little while… I need to speak to the patient first…” Schneep replies in a raspy voice. Kate nods. She and the other nurse, Matt, help the doctor up. His legs wobble and almost give out. Schneep takes a deep breath and slowly makes his way out of the operating room and into his office.

An hour later, Henrik reappears, wearing his comfy labcoat and drinking some tea, a rarity considering how much the doctor prefers coffee. But he needs to relax, and so Matt whipped up a nice cup of tea.

Henrik pulls up a chair and sets his cup down. He looks down at the sleeping man, face as white as the bandage wrapped around his head. Chase has never looked more fragile and vulnerable. His cheeks are sunken and there are large bags under his eyes.

Henrik rubs his face. Truthfully, he’s just as tired. He looks up at the clock. 1:11 am. God, he was in the operating room for quite a while. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be as stressed as he was today. He leans back and closes his eyes. Maybe he can get a quick nap before-

“Dr. Schneeplestein?” He opens his eyes and looks up. His stomach flips when he notices a woman with red hair that falls in waves down her shoulders. Her soft brown eyes are full of compassion and worry. Stacy Brody. Or Stacy Matthews, to be more precise.

“Stacy…” Henrik mumbles. “What… I mean, I’m sorry. I understand this must be a lot for you.”

“I can’t believe it… I mean, I knew about his depression, I just didn’t think it would get this bad,” Stacy says, voice soft and sad.

Henrik nods. “Yes. One can’t help but wonder what the breaking point was.”

“It’s because of me, isn’t it?” Stacy whispers hoarsely, staring down at her ex-husband’s skinny frame. “I did cheat on him. I told him I wanted a divorce after he found out… I wonder what would have happened if I told him straight up about Delilah… I wonder how he would have reacted…”

Henrik is speechless. He can’t really say it isn’t her fault, but at the same time, it wasn’t as if she could straight up tell him. There really was no way of telling how he would have reacted. Henrik groans and rubs his eyes again. He can’t think straight.

His mind flickers back to the video, and his stomach sinks. Did that video… influence his decision? Should he tell her about it? Would she be mad? He takes a deep breath.

“I mentioned your divorce to another friend,” he finally says. “Said friend made a video that I think mocked Chase more than flattered him. I thought it would help… but it didn’t. Only made him even more upset.”

“A video? Was this the video that ‘Jack’ made?” Stacy asks. Henrik opens his eyes, horrified. How long has she known?! Oh god, she must despise him! Henrik whirls around to face her, face riddled with guilt.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t think he’d take it in that direction- It was a shitty idea, I was so invasive and it was absolutely despicable of me and-”

“Hey, calm down, it’s okay! It was an honest mistake!” Stacy responds calmly. “Chase told me about it. He felt awful and he was so pissed with you guys. I will admit I was a bit peeved at first, but Chase said he yelled at you and broke off his friendship with you, so I figured it was punishment enough.”

“He also brought up my wife,” Henrik says. “So I punched him.”

Stacy nods. “Ah, that’s where the bruise came from.”

Henrik cringes. Damn, did he actually hit Chase that hard? He really is a dick. He sighs and stands up. “You are more than welcome to punch me. I deserve it. I never should have brought up the divorce. It was hateful of me, really.”

Stacy shakes her head. “Oh no, I couldn’t! You saved Chase from the brink of death. It’d be so insensitive of me!”

“I insist.” Henrik holds his head up. Stacy reluctantly stands up, and raises an open palm.

“I’m sorry,” she squeaks.

“It’s fine, I can handle it,” Henrik says.

Stacy takes a deep breath… and punches him. Henrik falls back into the chair from the force. Stacy cringes.

“You… have a very strong punch,” Henrik remarks, holding his throbbing cheek. He holds a finger up when he sees her mouth move. “Don’t apologize. You were right to do so.”

“I took karate as a kid,” Stacy boasts. “I won a black belt at age five.”

“Good for you! To be honest, it wasn’t nearly as hard as my wife’s,” Henrik admits.

“Well, at least I got my ‘revenge’- wait, what?!” Stacy does a double take. “Lisette used to punch you?!”

“She only did it once,” Henrik quickly adds. “After I called her a whore.”

“Oh. That explains a lot,” Stacy deadpans.

“I deserved that as well,” Henrik says. “I just wish she hadn’t moved so far away… I wonder how the girls are doing...”

“Have your children contacted you?” Stacy lightly presses.

“I’ve tried to contact them,” Henrik says. “I don’t think Lisette lets them write or call me.”

“Then Lisette really is an ass,” Stacy explodes. “What if they do want to talk to you? She can’t hide them from you just because she doesn’t like you.”

“That doesn’t seem to stop her. I keep my phone nearby in case Sophia calls when her mother isn’t around.” Henrik pats his pocket. “Or maybe Rick will let her. He’s quite nice and he’s good with kids, which is why I was quite surprised when he turned out to be-”

“A homewrecker?” Stacy suggests. Henrik glares at her, scandalized, but she can tell he’s trying to suppress a smile.

“Sorry,” she mumbles, snickering.

“I was gonna say an ass, but that’s better,” he says. Stacy bursts out laughing, but it quickly fades when she notices Chase. She clears her throat.

“I’m going to take the kids away for a while,” she reveals. “At least until he’s emotionally stable to look after the kids.”

“You know Chase would never let his depression get in the way of being a good father,” Henrik protests.

“I know. I just feel he needs a break from it all,” Stacy says. “Mostly family life, me and Delilah in particular. Maybe she and I could go to my cottage in Scotland. We can stay there until he feels ready to share custody once more. He can’t be alone, though. We know what will happen if he does. He can’t go back home either. We still need to wash out the blood and dispose of any guns he might have. Of course I mean the real guns, but he might not want his Nerf toys either. He needs to be with someone , and that can’t be me. I just don’t know anyone he could stay with who lives in Athlone. We only just moved here.”

Henrik lights up. Holy shit. It’s like destiny! This is the perfect opportunity! “He can move in with us. He’s already an ego. He’d love it there. Sure it’s a bit chaotic, but I think he’d love it!”

Stacy raises an eyebrow. “What sort of chaotic?” she questions.

“The local superhero likes to crash there, we have a magician who INSISTS on using us for test subjects for his latest tricks, and me, the ‘feral doctor’,” Henrik lists off. “Come to think of it, I’m actually the voice of reason.”

Stacy tries her best to hide a shudder. “I feel a little worried about his safety. And no offense, but it’s a bit concerning that you’re the voice of reason in that house.”

Henrik scoffs in mock insult and shoves her gently. “Oh screw you! To be honest, Jackie is actually the smart one. I’m the one who pays the taxes and keeps a roof over their head. They’re the ones who overstayed their visit.”

Stacy rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling. She looks more relaxed than when she walked in. She stands up.

“I think it’s time I left. Good luck, Chase. I wish you all the best with your recovery.” Stacy leans over and gently kisses Chase’s cheek before turning to Henrik and holding her hand out. Henrik returns it and gives it a small squeeze, only to be pulled in for a hug. He gasps in surprise.

“Thank you Henrik,” she whispers. Henrik nods and returns the hug, holding her tightly until she signals to let go. Stacy picks up her bag and leaves.

Henrik sits back down and takes out his cellphone to call the egos. Jackie picks up after the first ring.

“Henrik? Are you okay?”

“I want you to clean the house and make some hot chocolate. We’ve got a new roommate coming to stay with us!” Henrik announces.

“Is it Chase? Is that who we’re taking in?” Jackie asks.

“Yes. I want everything to be perfect, so go! Get cleaning!” the doctor commands.

“Need us to pick you up?” Marvin suggests.

“I can drive just fine! See you soon!” Henrik hangs up just as Chase begins to stir. The doctor watches him apprehensively. He hasn’t seen Chase since the argument. How will he react?

Chase groggily opens his eyes. He can see a bright light shining down on him and closes his eyes. “Where… where am I?”

He slowly attempts to sit up. A soft pair of hands gently help him sit up and rub his back.

Chase blinks, trying to clear his vision. The blurry blue shape slowly comes into view… Henrik! The good doctor sits beside him with an anxious expression on his face.

Chase wracks his memory to try to remember what had happened. He can feel a heavy fabric wrapped around his head. He lifts a hand to better investigate… oh.

Henrik’s heart breaks when he sees Chase drop his hand, expression forlorn. Here we go, he thinks.

“Chase?” Chase looks up. “Before you say anything, know that you have every right to be mad at me and Jack. What we did was despicable and absolutely awful. You don’t have to forgive us, and I completely understand if you never do. But you can’t be alone right now. You’re going through a really tough time, and the last thing you need to be is alone. I don’t know if you’ll accept it, but we have an extra room at home that would be a perfect spot for you to stay while you recover. I know you might not want to talk to me, but Jackie and Marvin are living with me, and they will ensure your time there will be as comfortable as possible. It’s fine if you don’t want to go, but just know that we will always be there when you need a place to stay.”

Chase is silent, simply gazing at Henrik with unshed tears. Finally, he throws his arms around Henrik’s neck. Henrik startles, but returns the hug.

“Is that a yes?” Henrik mumbles. Chase nods. Henrik sighs in relief and squeezes Chase tighter. Now all he has to do is hope Jackie and Marvin have the house ready by the time he returns.

Henrik parks the car in the driveway and turns to Chase. The vlogger fidgets with his t-shirt. Henrik puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Just warning you now, while Jackie and Marvin have good hearts and intentions, they can be little shits and there’s a good chance the house will still be a mess when we get back in. Good luck.”

Chase whimpers in fear. Henrik nods solemnly. “My thoughts exactly.”

The fathers unload the car and walk up to the front steps. Henrik takes a deep breath and opens the door.

“FIFTEEN FUCKING POINTS! I WIN AGAIN MOTHERFUCKER!” Jackie screeches. Marvin roars in anger and tosses a pillow at Jackie, who backhands it. The pillow soars across the house and slams into Henrik, who grunts in alarm and falls backward. Chase shrieks in alarm, gaping at his fallen friend.

Marvin and Jackie turn around, bright blue eyes glaring into Chase. Marvin’s eye twitches sporadically and Jackie smiles like a madman. Chase nervously waves. Marvin clears his throat and forces a sleep-deprived smile.

“Howdy, Chase!”

#attempted suicide tw #suicidal ideation tw #blood mention tw #extreme distress tw #apparently i can write #jacksepticeye #dr. schneeplestein #chase brody #jackieboy man #marvin the magnificent #writersofjack #writers of jack

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hannah-oc-palace · 4 years ago

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Whoms’t’ve (aka intro)

Mutanty Oleg - 21 foot slav who is oblivious- biggest fella Pyotr - edgy man who can see futures - scar mouth Aurik - too cautious and afraid - german in a bad place Shurik - loves guns knifes and eating everything - literal gremlin man Dimitri - psychic powered braincells - smart and gay Dima - four armed and understanding - Russian Pringle dad

Monstere Zach - superhero that can go gore - the thing is himbo Hollin/Background- is attracted to bastard parasite - venom is that you? Perry - mute and can manipulate periodic elements- angry chemist Gyrill - got one leg but will ride motorcycle to you - boogie woogie woogie Brody - Zach’s smart boyfriend - too kind for this

Life of The Infected Monika - can kill in a single touch - fungus child Alex - can’t die fully -a corpse boy Icee - ice powered zombie kid - cold baby Sōdō - a transfer who hates it here - two sets of teeth Bobon - just a cryptid here to vibe - trucker hat

Sewer Life Albi - young mouse -albino and afraid Ringo - Australian rat - not the drummer mate Bayou - crocodile who runs a gang - Chevrolet movie theater Ouro - snake lady -ssslut Gata - a black kitten who’s dad has ties to the gang - pretty dirty Beta - betta fish -assassin fish Oppa - opossum - tree hobo Gruber - red eared turtle - old and sick Fonidae - toad - the loving cook

Louisiana’s Worst Swamp Marsh - swamp creature that is true neutral - chickem Willow - lil sis who is hyperactive - grass hair

A Ship Named Canis Cameron - perky assistant- so no legs? Viverr - trained fighter -false cat boy Deapodia - geologist digger bee - bee movie Piet - abstract being who changes form - too cool for reality Bravo - android genreal - robo dad Etor - shark boy/girl who is talking a lot - glass shark Löward - the medic is filled with bromine and love - he’s you're bro(mine) Fabaria - calm until not -nerd plant Visin - psychic mechanic - eyes

Dork-asaurus Marc - brontosaurus who’s had enough bs - tired and French Opal - sweet mosasaurus - proper lady Roger - rude ass pterodactyl - piss rights

False Myths Xaoc - god of chaos, death and the sun - kill and murder Nadzor - god of order, life and the moon - business official Sherman - just a teen vampire - pastel vamp Tsyalo - god of neutrality and maybe weed - seedling emoji

Branded With Magic Sunglasses Lady Shades - brash and arrogant warrior - red tat Lord Shades - engineer who is kinda dumb - yellow tat Little Shades - vibrant fashion designer - blue tat Commerce - an ai that said bastardly deeds time - Static chatter Perfect Shades - resident hot bad guy - fake tat

Defenders of Nothing Oliver - Paladin who is trying his best -nervous but chaotic Adira - Ranger girls who say bruh - woodland child Mendax - demon of lies - fire pants

The Many Cases of Doodleopolis Detective Doodle (Marcel) - The detective around here - coffee addict Marco - Marcel’s brother - asshole on main Miss Jubilee - Marcel’s coworker -berry nice Molly - ghost working at a cafe - waitress under stress Dr Ottipu - doctor that is an octopus - stethoscope in water

Welcome to Louksen Marmy - a sweet antler baby - just a boy Fay - quiet and listening always - blind poet Dooper - dog snake who cannot talk - pubby Gora Fiddle - works with her mom- hardly working Samson - neighborhood old cook - cranky candy cane Kyle - a radical god -surfs up mortals Sean LeFuef - in places he shouldn’t be - abandoned

The Deadly 7 Ryan - rager - guitar Creed - mr crabs but subtle - producer Anthony - eats their feelings - tech Solone - bored of everything - drums V- punk girl gets envious of everyone- keyboard Paul - has five mirrors -bass Lucy - she kisses and tells - lead vocalist

OOC - Me the girl who said this was a good idea - boo boo the fool

#ooc post #long post #list #intro #ocs #boo boo the fool

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marblepony · 5 months ago

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i have spoken

#nick rps #rock paper scissors #the rat bros #rock paper scissors nickelodeon #rat bro Brody

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bananaactivity · 14 days ago

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Soo, how would Jack, Sloane and Brody react to meeting Troy, Bree and Chase? Due to your crackship where lab rats and kickin' it cross universes, that means Troy, Chase and Bree exist in the same universe as Jack, Brody and Sloane, all having the same actors respectively and therefore having the same build and facial appearance

LMAOOOO IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS ALOT TOO! LONG POST UP AHEAD

So first some background for this universe, it’s actually a split of of two of my other AUs that do NOT take place in the same Universe. My Kickin it: Mirror Image AU called “Top Dog” and my LREFMM: unamed as of now AU

Now my KI AU has been in the works for a month and is a mostly fleshed out 22 “episode” series with a set ending. It takes place in an alternate season four and uses a bunch of one off villain characters to its new plot. (Not that KI season four ever even had a plot or a point in general smh) These characters form a group under the Black Dragon Dojo with the characters Kai, Carson, Brody, Frank, and Arther. They parallel the Wasabi Warriors Jack, Kim, Jerry, Milton, and Eddy (in that order) which is why it’s a Mirror Image AU. The story overall is called Top Dog because it takes place during a strain of Comp that the dojos compete in to see who’s the best over all. Kai himself has a job at an Auto shop and Jack works part time at a Vet clinic, it’s implied in the story that they’ll both work jobs there instead of being full time sensei like everyone assumes. ( just take that as basically fact)

My LREFMM AU is not as fleshed out or outlined as my KI AU( Cause I’m trying to finish that work before starting a new project) but it has a general idea. It also takes place in an alternate season four. The main gist is that Marcus has been retrieved and fixed up by Douglas. He has to learn to get along with Leo, Taylor, and Logan so that they can be the team to replace ABC before they head off to Centium City for that secret ass project. ( in EF AU Adam goes with Bree and Chase because no flipping way I’m splitting them up) Leo stayed out of the public eye mostly while ABC were more public so it’s less likely here that people will know what Leo looks like. He actually likes it this way because it means he’s better for more stealthy missions

Now how we get to the crack universe is by setting up that these two different season four alternate AUs end up taking place at the same time in the same universe. They both end how they end normally but clash in what would be a year time skip season 5 for both and the first season of Elite Force. At this point Leo’s team is the new main team and ABC have gone off to that elite force stuff. Leo’s team ( Team Francis pronounced Team Danger ofc ) gets a long term mission from Douglas about shady stuff going down in Seaford. Spin, Bob and Kate, have also managed to become a team that’s graduated to real missions and they stay back at Mission Creek to hold down the fort. ( Spin looks up to Marcus because ofc he does, they both love to bully Leo for no reason)

Marcus breaks his mission bike being a dumbass and has to get it taken to the shop in seaford. ( the bike is for flair because Marcus hates super-speed. No on can see how cool he looks if he’s going that fast) You’ll never guess who he runs into. Kai Brewer a kinda short and very angry gorgeous blonde man. He’s like a wet cat… and Marcus hates cats. They argue and Marcus is glad he never has to run into that guy again ( he actually craves confrontation and also the man is pretty asf) Leo tells him that Douglas has gotten them covers at two Dojos a restaurant and a shop in town and you’ll never guess where this is going. Taylors cover is as a Falafel Phil worker, Leo’s Cover is a Wasabi Dojo instructor, Logan’s cover is a worker at Lonnie’s Lizard shop (can’t remember the name rn), and Marcus, cover is as a Black Dragon instructor. You know the drill bro… close proximity, and they hate each other? Amazing. But uhm actually one of them is actually obsessed and the other one is standing on business? But also into it?? god tier stuff.

These leads to me finally answering your question. That would be that Bree, Chase, Roman and Troy wouldn’t meet Sloane, Brody, Carson or Jack. You didn’t ask about Carson and Roman but Carson is a big part of my normal AU so I added him too. Sloane has been out of the limelight for a while which she prefers. She visits Kim from time to time though. When she was making more public appearances and being in interviews Bree would pretend to be related to her to get more attention from some guy before realizing he wasn’t worth it. Troy… is dead…at this point. So it’s a big surprise to Leo when he sees Jack who he thinks is Troy reincarnated just like Marcus after visiting his cover place. I’ve had a scene floating around in my head of Leo realizing that Jack is a way better guy then Troy and just going “ You know I know a girl who would LOVE to meet you.” That being Bree who was upset that all the cute men were evil when that Troy situation happened. Troy was big movie star and that’s part of the reason that people think Jack is so hot. He’s like one of those guys who looks like a celebrity and everyone is obsessed because of that. But also Jack is a good guy so he deserves it. Leo and Jack also bond over the evil cousin thing, Leo doesn’t reveal all HIS details because thats top secret info mixed up in there but they both get each other. Then when Leo goes to check on Marcus at the Black Dragon Dojo he has to smack some sense into him. Marcus has been too preoccupied with the pretty blond man that he hates, and he didn’t realize that two guys who look suspiciously like his brother and an evil shapeshifter guy are right there in the same place. Leo is so shocked that he FaceTimes Chase while looking at at Brody and it’s proven that neither Chase nor Roman have materialized in Seaford, because Chase was actively fighting Roman and Ryker with the team and accidentally answered Leo’s call. Leo knows what the shapeshifters look like because ABC gives intel to them so they won’t get tricked or surprised by any villains. The other scene I imagine is one where Marcus is obsessively complaining about Kai and Leo’s just like “ So… is it like…weird to y’all that a bunch of people here look REALLY similar to people we know back home?? Just me?? Oh okay.”

The set up and background info of the crack universe doesn’t really allow for everyone to meet and react to one another. It’s mostly just Leo seeing all these dopalgangers and being scared that an Adam clone will materialize as well. Marcus doesn’t really process any of that because he’s too busy obsessing over Kai.

Also a side note on Kai and Marcus, my fav type of reformed character is one that still acts like a jackass but they’re on the right side. That applies to them both but Kai is definitely the bigger jerk. He does not gaf which makes it less of a slow burn and more of a hard ice wall and the squishy thing that wants to melt it but miserably fails. Despite being a heavy ass android Marcus is NOT the wall. Don’t worry tho Kai likes the attention he’s still vain with a superiority complex…and Marcus can take him in a fight. Something he LOVES as long as it’s not his cousin. Anyone else though… if you can take him down he will be REALLY into that. (in his words it’s not a complex if he IS superior. Authors note: it’s a superiority complex)

Also some fun character meet ups that I wish I would’ve worked in being Chase and Milton. Do people ever play with the fact that without his chip Chase has average intelligence? Like canonically without the chip Chase can’t even process things well. Characters like Oliver and Milton and Leo are ,on a base level, smarter than Chase who just has a computer in his brain that can download or search up any data and info he wants. Without that Leo, Oliver and Milton are smarter than him without chips of their own. Does he think about that ever?? This is what I wanna know. Milton is definitely a Chase fanboy and it annoys Leo who can’t tell him that Chase is a such a party pooper sometimes. Eddy and Adam would definitely hang out together they seem like chill friends. Donald would definitely be annoyed with Rudy who would keep trying to either become his body guard or come up with stupid inventions that Donald should make. Also I feel like Bobby and Perry would be bitter exes… something about that sounds right. Like back when Bobby was an up and coming movie star Perry broke up with him after stealing all his money.

Lmao wtf is this image

Literal husbands…

HES SO ANGRY AND FOR WHAT

#lab rats elite force #lab rats #mighty med #leo dooley #chase davenport #bree davenport #adam davenport #kai brewer #jack brewer #kim crawford #marcus davenport

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infinityasph · 5 years ago

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some of my favorite quotes from ‘malibu rescue (movie)’ out of context.

“there’s nothing kids enjoy more on the last day of school than a clean campus.”

“sasha, stop speaking for me.”

“dad loves mountable, collectible memory.”

“yes roger. a summer at the beach is exactly what i deserve.”

“vooch, don’t make it weird.”

“wait, no, wish me a water emergency. something with sharks.”

“are you choking?” (gina burps)

(the ‘cake by the ocean’ song playing over a bus ride)

“whatever it is, bro, it’s not from malibu.”

“i’m gonna--eh, you don’t care what i’m gonna do.”

“rode... bike... from... valley... i’m... eric.”

“am i dead?”

“beach rats.”

“right now we’re just fish turds.”

“we’re from the valley.”

“didn’t put on deodorant this morning because we’re gonna get in the water anyways!”

“get these sea slugs out of my sight.”

“this is so hardcore. (laughs)”

“it’s only a half-mile.”

“put your back into it, valley.”

“if anyone gets stung by a jellyfish, i call peeing on the sting!”

“i’m in pain.”

“malibu represent!”

“do you want to get some froyo?” “you should leave.”

“MOM HACK!”

“taco every other tuesday.”

“where’s that tortilla receipt?”

“you want to get kicked out of an omelet, sometimes you have to bite a few eggs.”

“shark farts.”

“bro. dee. brody.”

“what am i preparing you for?”

“i’ve got a belt i can make into a tourniquet.”

“you’ve got to stop saying things under your breath. it’s super confusing,”

“are you trying to get kicked out?” “thought that was obvious.”

“JEFFEY!”

(the butt-lookin’ thing cross was shining)

“we lost a good one.” “he’s not dead.”

“a gift from poseidon himself.”

“we’ll do some endurance training.”

“i’ll go get my notecards.”

“i’ll go get help.” “we are the help.” “yeah we are.”

“i’ve been waiting for someone’s life to be in danger since i got here.”

“the light is not your friend.”

“relax, i can fix it. just give me twenty minutes. (smoke poofs) thirty minutes.”

“i came here to make friends. also because my dad says the couch is starting to dent and it looks like my butt.”

“i could drop a cinder block on your knee!”

“be sure to close up the pee-pee hole or you’ll lose all your change.”

“eric’s... really supportive.”

“not without the key, smart guy.”

“this isn’t gonna end well.”

“flounder’s gonna go up in flames. and the mayor will be here to see it happen.”

“were’d this trash come from?” “i put it out. wouldn’t want you to get bored.”

“that’s eric business. you don’t need to know.”

“not true! tyler’s got great arm’s!”

“you have a real future in the custodial arts.”

“also because you’re a hot mess.”

“santa monica.” “yes.” “santa monica” “yes.” “san-ha. mon-hi-ca.”

“vooch found a loophole.”

“just meeting the mayor.”

“actually, you kicked me out for something that happened in santa monica. that’s out of your jurisdiction.”

“let me just find my cards.”

“let’s murder him! ... in the race.”

“i was in junior high.”

“you can’t be the team screw up.” “why not?” “because that’s my job.”

“first aid challenge is mine.”

“you better not drop me.”

“dogish are falling behind.”

“want to borrow my notecards?”

“eriC.”

“and the flounders are up.”

“it’s jeffey!”

“i’m in a booooooat.”

“let’s go gina!”

“are you barking?” “you’re darn right i am.”

“i put a crab in his shorts.”

“he’s not a troublemaker. he’s a hero.”

“they saved jeffey.”

“jeffey, get your finger out of your nose.”

“they rescued at junior at malibu beach. it checks all my boxes.”

“(meek) okay.”

“i can’t believe it’s ours.”

“not bad for a bunch of fish turds from the valley.”

“you guys thinkin’ what i’m thinkin’? (slow-mo running)”

#shut up hayden #malibu rescue #//#listen that was a great movie

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maznanangy · 4 years ago

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Characters i think are underrated (imo a lot of characters could fit here: wendy, skyler, sprinks the clown (CLOWN), connor, ember, franco, kahuna, indigo, pinch and skip (Bro he legit has a rat). I think so many characters are underrated - amii

Bro Skip has a rat he's a neat and yeah you're right a lot of characters are underrated😔

Okay here's my list: Connor (this one HURTS me), Bertha, Georgito, Julep, Brody, Greg, Yippy, Evelyn, Crystal and Mayor Mallow. Johnny is in the same place with Wylan B he's in thin ice tho ig he's more overrated

#Asks

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allbeendonebefore · 7 years ago

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What are your favourite head/canon things about Alberta

[cracks knuckles] [stretches fingers]

so i’ll just start with a disclaimer - i use sherry’s/iamp/whatever alberta and i realize ive been getting a lot of followers who are part of rp groups and whatever or people who might be interested in adding some depth to their own ocs so feel free to like… think about these things if you want if you’re thinking of doing an alberta oc?? I guess

so since that mysterious slash implies what are my fave canonical things about AB too I’ll say that there isn’t much- I go with what sherry says on canon rather than IAMP and PC because while there are a lot of things I had influence over in both projos there are a lot of things I would have done differently so we’ll start with the bio

Canon Stuff

literally all the things are accurate sooo its hard lol. Obviously the political situation has changed and the economic situation is its usual rollercoaster (WELL… but thats another time). I gotta say that the ‘alberta beef is the best thing that’s ever happened to me’ is really hitting home right now because i didnt realize how SPOILED i was by AAA beef until I got to Ontario ToT (ngl the pork here is super good and saves me money but the BEEF aAAA)

also my edmonton bias shines through at ‘he hates a part of himself called calgary’ thats by far my second fave B)))

Headcanon Stuff

ok where to start I will try to not make this an essay and i can elaborate more if you’re curious

- a lot of people will wonder about whether a province lives in the capital or the biggest city etc. and I have to say in Bertie’s case it is NEITHER. He’d never willingly live in (d)E(a)dmonton (sorry ed ilu) because Ed represents Government which he Hates and while he would spend a fair bit of time in Calgary he gets claustrophobic/exhausted - he still in my mind represents more of the rural bits of the province than the cities. I think he might move around a little, but he probably lives on a ranch between both cities but within sight of the mountains. I’m sure he has a place to stay in each city, but he’s a country boy at heart and appreciates his space, peace and quiet.

- Particularly space because Where else is he going to keep his 3 trucks + 2 ATVs + horses + 100000 cows + boat + canoe + kayak + all his camping junk + motorbikes + dirtbikes + tractor + other junk that people leave at his place

- that said his ‘birthplace’ is the southern ‘half’ of the province so he tends to kind of hover around there more- as i said he owns a ranch rather than a farm because the Quality Ranch Land is in the south and the Good Farm Land is in the north (and being eaten up by ugly houses ugh)

- still I think he spends a fair amount of time working up north in the Fort Mac area because Why Not make All the money. Even if you’re a rancher boy in the middle of nowhere, everyone in this province has ties to the oil industry one way or another. It wouldn’t make sense for him NOT to work in Oil and Gas because it’s literally the only job in the province lmao.

- His driving playlist consists of: Dean Brody, Corb Lund, Keith Urban, Ian Tyson, and the obligatory Nickelback which he listens to Un-ironically but also to piss off/drown out passengers when they’re annoying him

- He’s easily annoyed. By Everything. And Everyone. He’s the current national scapegoat and he takes it Extremely Personally depending on the context but also he has a relatively affectionate relationship with everyone and usually expresses his affection by pointed jabs.

- like he literally gets along with everyone on a personal level and not just because he buys them drinks- his worst relationships are probably with BC and Ontario and that’s just because he lives to irritate them and they respond with an appropriate amount of salt. He still doesnt mind hanging out with them and bc/ab/on/qc is an unstoppable team. He just gets extremely sensitive when anyone asks to borrow money from him and will give you an earful of ‘i work SO HARD for this money to put FOOD on YOUR TaBLe’

- generally really tight fisted with money………. only when other people are looking. he makes a big deal about how little he spends on essential services and you just look at him like ‘so you’re saying you have the money to get all this crap for this rodeo coming up but you dont have the money to take yourself to the hospital after’ and hes like [coughs up blood anime style] ‘im ok i have whiskey and benadryl at home’ [adjusts his diamond studded hat]

- really big on loyalty and straightforward conversations and has NO patience for any hypocrisy or doublespeak no matter how small. The slightest of things can send him reeling with Betrayal. Also this makes him either tight lipped or TMI, there is no in between.

- like literally reeling he’s very top heavy and you could blow him over with a sneeze, he’s all bark and only some bite. When he’s good he’s Real Good but when he’s bad he’s like a foot in the grave bad

- he’s the baby of the prairie bros but also the one with the brains- and i don’t mean in an academic sense i mean in the ‘so crazy it just might work’ sense.

- literally he’s an idiot he doesnt understand how equalization payments work no matter how many times you explain it to him. He doesn’t understand a lot of things re: the economy but he never shuts up about them.

- the easiest way to piss him off is to threaten his autonomy in any way, he will stop whatever he’s doing to put a boot up yer ass if you Dare suggest something like ‘why don’t you let ontario/canada take care of that for you’ even if he knows the way he’s doing something is garbage he will go out of his way to keep doing it because its ‘my way or the highway’.

- ‘why do you have all those guns’ ‘oh you know hunting deer and stuff’ [really its because he’s terrified a rat is going to sneak into his barn or something] [but he does actually hunt] [and he’s the type of guy to have the ‘trespassers will be shot’ signs]

- I haven’t figured out WHAT truck he drives yet but i am PROUD OF HIM for no longer putting truck nuts on it, THANK GOD that went out of fashion. (That said he does not have the stacks- his truck is lifted and Shiny and also has a handful of Alberta Strong decals/stickers.) Newf probably gave him a sticker of “The Rock” or a nfld flag and he Loves it. On a scale of most to least obnoxious trucks its Mac - Bert - Cal - Ed. It’s probably a white truck.

- i should think about things he loves more, this headcanon list is mostly things that make him angry oops xDD he loves animals a lot, and not just to eat i swear. The bigger and the more horns the better.

- he really loves driving a lot, it’s like a big part of his independence factor. I think sometimes he will just drive aimlessly late at night/early morning when it’s not busy and just go and find somewhere to look at the sky.

- he looooves digging up fossils in his spare time, or just interesting rocks in general. If you say the words animatronic dinosaur he is ALREADY THERE

- he watches a lot of sci fi and really loves star trek. So Much. he’s totally attempted mowing crop circles in his lawn/fields probably multiple times. he’s still waiting for the ufos to come land. Also has a thing for spooky places and cryptids and those weird inexplicable twilight-zone like events that only happen on road trips. did i mention the Giant Roadside Attractions.

- he has this persona of being a traditional/small-and-big-c conservative but he’s actually really into innovation and trying new things, meeting new people, etc. He interacts with so many different people lately that he’s trying to take the time to really re-evaluate himself and move away from the Klein-era “Severely Normal People” image because it doesn’t reflect him. The issue is he’s more likely to vote on economy rather than social issues so his actual progressiveness gets hidden by lack of political representation (and lets be honest he has Always hated politics). He’s got a lot of crap to sort through but he catches people who underestimate him off guard.

- was probably raised methodist/protestant/whatever but is mostly pretty secular, but he has some definite strong holdovers that make him uncomfortable about certain subjects and his first reaction to being uncomfortable is always anger.

- completely oblivious to being hit on or something or really gay situations around him but is that type of person who is like [cant walk too close to another dude because what if it looks gay bro].

- his fave cow is named buttercup

- he has definitely woken up after a night out with friends naked and alone duct taped to an air mattress and floating in the middle of a lake. true story.

- he will macgyver his way out of any situation. doesn’t mind getting down and dirty in the mud when it’s necessary. exactly the type of person to shove his hands in bitumen and squish it around or to pick up a rock and lick it or to shove a thermometer up a cow. When he gets squeamish he does his best to be bullheaded and pretend like Nothing is Wrong until he faints.

- his french is crap but he Tries- the french he knows is backwater northern AB french which he’s too shy to bring up so he feigns ignorance. His german is good and his ukrainian is passable, his spanish is fine, he’s trying to get the hang of some other languages but doesn’t tell anyone he’s practicing because he hates getting made fun of xD

- the hat and boots are Absolutely to make him look taller than he actually is. He doesn’t wear inserts but he does make sure the sole/heel on any boot he buys is Thick. Smol insecure man with a Big hat. Will spend 300 bucks on shoes, but he actually does ride/work so its an investment for him.

- heads to Arizona/Mexico in the winter when he’s not working, otherwise Banff/Jasper are his ‘budget’ vacations lol.

i love this stupid province pls ask if you have any more questions because i love to talk and i feel like i’ve said too much already lol

#pc: alberta #hapo rambles #projectcanada #iamp: alberta #iamp #iammatthewian #Anonymous #pc headcanon

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