#rant lang po

[dayorama]

Adultinggg Sucks

First thing first yung paguwi ko sa pinas. I need to make ipon for the ticket and syempre forda gastos din huhu bakit ba kasi di sagot ng company yung ticket. Hassle tuloy na iisipin mo pa yung pagbili ng ticket.

Second. Yung mga gastusin din sa pinas aside sa iniisip kong ticket eh yung pambayad sa binili naming lupa. Ang hirap lang talaga na ikaw lang yung aasahan I mean share naman kami ng ate ko doon sa bayarin pero wala naman siya stable job.

Third. Eto, gastusin na naman huhu noong umuwi ako last year sa pinas, gusto ko lang naman mag-open ng bank account pero na sales talk ako nung FA ng BDO Life. Haha Pero goods ‘to sa future ha pero di ko lang inexpect na kukuha ako haha kasi nga dami gastos, si nanay rin mapilit maganda naman din daw yung may life insurance ka pero ayun nga medyo mabigat lang kasi annually yung bayaran, isang bagsakan haha papaayos ko na lang siguro at gawing monthly para di mabigat.

Fourth. Yung isa pa na binili kong Ipad, pero eto medyo magaan lang kasi 1 year to pay. Haha pero gastos pa rin forda luho din kasi ang self. Tapos dinedemonyo na naman ako ng self, gusto daw niya ng Applw Watch Ultra pero yung angel buti na lang kontrolado niya pa. Haha

So ayun, if akala ninyo lahat ng OFW eh mayaman or malaki kinikita. Fake news po iyon. Hindi lahat mapalad, yung iba need pa tumulong sa pamilya bago unahin sarili nila. Kung nakikita ninyo man sa post nila na mukang shala-shala ito’y reward lamang po sa aming pagiging harworking. Haha Mahirap makaipon kahit ofw kana. Huhu minsan gusto ko na lang ulit maging bata. Yung iisipin mo lang laro at school kahit stress din ang school haaay haha

[mejomonster]

When i was liveblogging Silent Reading/modu i wrote like at least 200 pages of stuff fucking wowza. Okay so. Anyway if u read any of it thank u ur very strong im glad if it convinced u to read modu or clicked with ur own contemplations on the novel

[moonwonuu]

Mukha kaming nasa resto tapos siya nag-order para sa amin kasi alam niyang mahiyain akong tao (just introvert things HAHAHAHA).

PS: Good luck sa work!!

kami pa niyan sis 🥹 chaaaar! pero amp may delulu thoughts din ako dito sa isang pic! sabi ko sa friend ko muka siyang jowa mo na nag iintay sayo after work tas sasabihin sayo “good job, love” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 wala na, ako ay humimlay so much 😭

[rigelmejo]

Knowing me the first fucking priest novel ill finish reading in chinese will be sha po lang or something rip

[fruityricecake]

GENSHIN CHARACTERS AS DIFFERENT TYPES OF FILIPINO CLASSMATES

|| FIL AU || Venti, Kazuha, Xiao, Scaramouche, Heizou x reader (seperate)

a/n — i’m back after three whole years :)

hope this post finds my fellow fils :D

01. VENTI // MONDSTADT

Yung pabigat sa groupings // sipsip sa teacher :

“Ang ganda mo today, ma’am.”

Sipsip(1) sa kahit sinong teacher kahit di niya pa teacher.. just incase lang daw para bumawi sa missing requirements niya sa subjects. Siya yung type na magseen lang sa gc kapag nagchachat ka tungkol sa group project sabay go na go mag share ng post sa facebook.

Hindi kayo close pero nakakapagusap kayo kapag kailangan(groupings and more). Medyo may galit ka sakaniya dahil sa pagiging careless niya sa groupings and one time umabot siya sa point na pinaringgan mo siya buong araw tapos naguilty siya and nilibre ka niya kahit siya yung palaging nagpapalibre. :)

Pero despite how he takes his grades and everything, he’s actually a very good person. Siya yung palaging unang nagrereact kapag may kahit anong problema and he’s very good at cheering people up, one interaction na tumatak sayo is when he saw you having a mental breakdown and he came to check up on you.

It was way past classes and most students had already went home. You stayed at school since you were working on something related to an extra curricular and now it was time for you to go home, but you couldn’t help but feel absolutely awful due to the horrible day you had.

You were walking down the stairs, your bag as heavy as ever and your hands holding multiple different items related to your studies. Not to mention, your exams were coming up and you had multiple pending projects so the pressure kept building up. You weren’t only carrying the weight of the things you held, but also the weight of your pressure.

But then, you missed a step on the staircase making you trip and fall. Luckily, you were already close to the floor so you landed on the floor after the staircase and dropped all your things.

“Y/n? Okay ka lang?!” you heard a familiar voice reach out. Then you saw Venti beside you, staring at you with concern. Then, you couldn’t help what happened next. It was like you reached the end of your capacity and finally… you cried.

“huh… Y/n?” people were passing by as Venti stared at you, unaware of what to do. “hindi po ako yung nagpaiyak diyan hahah…….” people whispered to one another, thinking that it was Venti who made you cry. “Huy, ano ba nangyayari sayo?”

“Ikaw kasi eh! Bwiset ka, kung pinasa mo lang yung part mo sa project sana tapos na tayo, sana nabawasan na yung problema ko.. pero hindi! Seen ka lang nang seen, tatanggalin ko na pangalan mo sa listahan ng members, bahala ka dyan!”

After letting you continue your rant and allowing you to cry, he gave you a big hug and bought you ice cream as a peace offering before he said bye.

Safe to say that when you came home, you saw that he finally finished his part in your project along with a sorry message that he sent you under private messages.

02. KAZUHA // INAZUMA

Seatmate sa umaga, tutor sa hapon

“May notes ka sa chem?”

Green flag na pogi na may pake sa acads, musically inclined, na sobrang bait at mestizong chinito, san ka pa?!

Hindi kayo ganon kaclose pero naging magseatmate kayo nung third quarter and you consider each other friends. Madalas siya nanghihingi ng notes sa’yo (sus, paraparaan talaga) and in return, tinuturuan ka niya sa mga subject kung saan nahihirapan ka.

You don’t know why, but it just so happens na kapag si Kazuha nagtuturo sayo ng lesson, gets na gets mo agad. Pero minsan, kapag hirap na hirap and litong lito ka talaga sa lesson,willing siya magstay after class para lang turuan ka, and naging common practice niyo na ‘to for the whole third quarter.

Third quarter lang kayo naging super close and nung fourth quarter hindi na ulit kayo nagusap aw :( not until nung isang araw na nagkasakit ka and sinamahan ka niya sa clinic <3

You weakly coughed, feeling horrible as you bed rotted in your school clinic. You waited for your service to come pick you up and you tried to sleep while waiting but you physically couldn’t get yourself to sleep despite your lack of it.

Then, you heard three knocks, and quickly after the opening of the door. You didn’t even bother looking up, expecting it to be just another staff or a student you don’t know. But you quickly realized otherwise.

“Binaba ko lang bag mo, uwian na kasi.” You turned to see Kazuha. You nodded and observed him as he placed your bag on a nearby chair. He then started leaving right after. “bye y/n, magpagaling ka.”

“Dito ka lang.” You said, almost as a whisper.

But you figured it was loud enough for Kazuha to hear, seeing as he turned to look at you in question. “Wala akong magawa dito, samahan mo muna ako please.”

Surprisingly, he sat down. He sat down and waited for your service with you, and you both realized that you missed each other’s company as you comfortably talked to each other. And in the middle of the conversation, you cracked a joke about your old situation:

“Ikaw nga ‘di mo na ako mahal, hindi mo na ulit ako kinausap.” You joked, laughing at your own humor, but Kazuha paused and chuckled after a few seconds.

“Mahal pa rin kaya kita.”

To this day, you still don’t know if he meant what he said.

03. XIAO // LIYUE

Seatmate mong lowkey lang (katulad ng feelings niya para sayo na lowkey lang din)

“nakikinig nga ako, sabi mo (insert ten paragraph chika essay)”

Seatmate mo nung 1st-2nd quarter sa may likod ng classroom sa may bintana.

Polar opposites kayo kasi habang ikakamatay niyang magsalita, ikakamatay mo namang manahimik, and mostly ang conversation niyo lang consists of yappings mo and yung occasional na sagot niya ng “ah” “oo” “ok”.

Minsan habang nagsasalita ka nararamdaman mo na hindi na siya nakikinig kaya mananahimik ka nalang, pero he’ll assure you na he was actually listening(and if you didn’t believe him he would repeat everything you said word by word) and will ask you to continue talking.

Other than that, surprisingly similar din music taste niyo and madalas kayong nagsh-share ng earphones sa likod habang nagsosoundtrip. Hindi na kayo naging classmates next schoolyear pero madalas pa rin kayo magbatian sa hallways!

Palagi siyang lowkey and tahimik lang pero madalas niya naman pinaparamdam sa’yo na he cares about you through his small actions:

“Hindi ka bababa?” Xiao asked, watching as you hurriedly wrote down your answers on your notebook, cramming as usual.

“Hindi, tatapusin ko lang ‘to, next subject na pala!” You answered and he pulled out his notebook offering you the chance to copy his answers, but you shook your head. “Ok lang, kasalanan ko naman kasi tinulugan ko lang mga responsibilidad ko kagabi.”

“Hindi ka kakain?” He asked again, and your silence was enough to answer his question.

He sighed before keeping his notebook and leaving you to procrastinate. Soon after, he came back and placed the meal you always ordered on your table.

“Ano ‘to?” You asked, staring at him as he sat down next to you.

“Wag kang magpakagutom, kumain ka na habang nagawa.” He told you and you flashed him a bright smile and thanked him before resuming your homework.

04. SCARAMOUCHE // INAZUMA

si pet peeve (ft. fb bakbakan)

“anubayan pumasok nanaman pet peeve ko.”

Hindi mo alam kung ano bang ginawa mo sakaniya pero ever since day 1, puro masamang tingin lang binibigay niya sayo.

Favorite niyong magparinigan sa fb at sa personal kasi bitter kayo bakit ba

Considerate ka magcheck ng papel ng iba pero kapag sakaniya yung papel na chinechekan mo sinisigurado mo na lahat ng onting pagkakamali is mali, walang consider consider dito. <3

Palagi kayong nakikick sa classroom gcs niyo kasi palagi kayong nagaaway online sa gcs at madalas kayong mapagalitan ng class pres at ng mga teacher sa gc D:

Ang mindset niya: ok lang yung siya yung nanlalait sayo pero kapag iba na yung nanlait, he’s going to make sure na hindi na ulit magsasalita yung taong yun.

Y/N L/N : shout out sa pet peeve kong puro lait, di nalang magaral, di na tuloy ako mataasan sa test

You posted in facebook in annoyance after getting into a recent fight with said pet peeve. It only fueled your anger when a certain someone commented on your post.

SCARAMOUCHE : nahiya ka pa, di nalang ako minention.

SCARAMOUCHE : di raw mataasan sa test..? ikaw nga puro parinig sa facebook, di nalang magaral, hindi mo tuloy maidentify yung 3 point difference natin kanina sa AP kung saan mas mataas ako

Y/N L/N : sanaol yapper wala naman kwenta yung sinasabi. chat mo nalang ako kapag nataasan mo na ako sa math boi

SCARAMOUCHE : sus, imagine nagmamagaling sa math, tiklop naman pag lumabas na yung fractions

Your eyebrows furrowed as you groaned in frustration, you hated how you were losing to him!

SHIKANOIN HEIZOU : mga ate ko, uso ang pm

VENTI : shhh nakikichika pa ako, shush ka muna

You were typing your next hate reply when a facebook friend you never interacted with replied to your and scaramouche’s comment.

AJAX : hoy scara feeling ka nanaman, ‘kala mo di ka nireject nung grade 2

You quickly covered your mouth in shock, now you remember why Scaramouche hated you so much now. He was the boy you rejected in elementary!

05. HEIZOU // INAZUMA

kasabay mo pauwi na buraot to the max

“Hoy y/n, penge one-whole”

Sipsip(2) sa teacher and highkey bidabida sa recitation pero you respect him since marunong siya maglead and he gets along with everyone. Medyo makulit pero marunong siya magseryoso, he knows when the atmosphere is sensitive and he learns to adjust very well.

Hindi kayo close nung una pero nakasabay mo siya umuwi nung isang time na magkagrupo kayo sa project tapos madilim na and wala kang mahanap na kasabay pauwi. Tinanong mo siya kung saan siya nauwi bilang last resort and coincidentally same subd. lang pala kayo :O, turns out ok masaya naman pala siya kasama and palagi na kayong nagsabay pauwi.

Talagang mapapatanong kanalang kung studyante ba talaga siya kasi simula nung naging close kayo lahat nalang ng gamit hinihingi niya sayo. Yung partida ang layo layo ng upuan niya sayo pero kapag may test dumadalo pa siya sainyo para lang manghihingi ng onewhole, ballpen, correction, green ballpen, PAGKAIN, etc.

parang ikakamatay niyang dumaan ang isang araw na hindi ka niya binubulabog at inaaasar, pero ok lang kasi kapag napipikon ka na buong araw ka niyang susuyuin tapos lilibre ka na niya pamasahe pauwi :3

“Luh, y/n pikunin talaga.” He says, following you as you walked while ignoring him. You were about to exit school when the rain started pouring. “hoy y/n” He calls out, but you continue with the cold shoulder. “luh di talaga siya namamansin.”

He then hurriedly opened his umbrella and ran to your side, situating the umbrella over both of you as he matched your hurried pace in walking to keep you dry. “bakit badtrip ka nanaman?”

You immediately stopped walking in annoyance and stared at him eye to eye, that question was your last straw. “Nanaman? bakit? Ok Heizou, bakit nga ba? first, puro ka pambibwiset asar ka nang asar, wala kang tigil! Pangalawa, inubos mo yung one whole ko kanina hingi ka nang hingi ng bago, bumili ka na nga! naiinis na ako sayo amburaot mo pati pagkain hinihingi mo hindi ka ba pinapakain ng tama? tapos ballpen, anong klaseng studyante walang ballpen? oo Heizou, matalino na pogi ka nga pero wala kang ballpen! hindi ko ba alam kung bakit andaming nagkakagusto sayo, tapos ikaw naman makangiti ka kapag kinakausap ka ng mga—“

you continued yapping, but Heizou got the memo from the moment you suddenly switched the topic up. “Ah ok, so shortcut, nagseselos ka.”

“Bakit ako magseselos? eh hindi nga kita gusto.” You told him but he just chuckled.

“May sinabi ba akong may gusto ka sakin? assuming ka rin ata eh.” He joked. “Pero oo na, hindi ka na nagseselos, sabi mo yan eh. Pero fyi, wala akong pake dun and walang meaning yung pagngiti ko.” He reassures you.

Why did he even have to say that? you were acting weird, wala ka naman ding karapatan na magselos, but why was it when he said those words you felt relief?

“Tara na, libre nalang kita pamasahe.”

[ghostofhyuck]

NCT Dream as your manliligaw

AN: This is written in filipino, check the english ver here! i just wrote a filo version because i'm feeding into my delulu with Dreamies as filipino manliligaw. Kung sino man yung nag-request na ito, salamat sa iyo beh HAHAHAHAHA sana maka-secure ka ng tds3 tickets <3

Mark Lee

Mark Lee as your manliligaw means botong-boto ang magulang mo sa kanya. Mabait, sweet, tapos palaging nagmamano kapag bumibisita sa inyong bahay. Tapos palagi pang sumasama sa inyo tuwing Linggo kapag sisimba. PUTANGINA. Close pa siya sa mga bata mong kapatid o pinsan, palaging hinahanap sa iyo, nasaan daw si "Kuya Mark." Mark Lee na marunong mag-gitara kaya hinaharana ka, kung anong kanta kayang-kaya niya. Siguradong may isang opm song na dinedicate niya sa iyo (Cup of Joe panigurado o Adie). Napakilala mo na siguro siya sa buong angkan mo tapos botong-boto sila sa kanya. Kailan mo ba iyan sasagutin, huwag mo na raw pakawalan.

Huang Renjun

Huang Renjun as your manliligaw means palagi kayong nasa coffee shop tumatambay. Sinasamahan ka niya mag-aral habang siya gumagawa ng plates niya. Palagi ka niyang nililibre ng drinks at siguradong saulo na niya yung order mo, paminsan nga may kasama pang pastry. Renjun na isang fine arts major, kaya in the random moments, magugulat ka na lang mukha mo na pala ang kanyang ginuguhit. Sobrang romanticized life mo kapag kasama mo siya. Kahit pa nagcocommute lang kayo sa jeep kapag kasama mo siya, parang ang saya ng buhay mo. At some point gumala siya sa Dangwa tas binilhan ka ng flower bouquet kasi trip niya lang tapos dadalhin ka sa Intramuros habang palubog na araw. OH DIBA ANG SWEET. 

Lee Jeno

Lee Jeno as your manliligaw means ang swerte mo. GIRL!? Ilang buwan pa lang siya nanliligaw pero sobrang komportable mo na around him. Ang sweet, tapos palagi ka niyang sinusundo sa school mo OR if pareho kayo ng university, inaabangan niya na matapos klase mo tapos foodtrip kayo sa labas. Madalas tumatambay lang kayo sa condo niya kasi napaka-nonchalant naman na 'to. Pero okay lang, kasi kapag inaaya ka niya mag-date, gandahan mo ang damit mo kasi it's either sa Makati or around BGC kayo kakain. Si Jeno rin yung kapag naglalakad kayo, nasa may kalsada siya banda tapos inaasod ka talaga doon sa lakaran para safe ka, hawak niya kamay mo, tapos tinatabi ka niya kapag may mabubunggo ka na tao HUY.

Lee Donghyuck

Lee Haechan as your manliligaw means may clingy ka na manliligaw! Palaging may update para sa iyo, palagi kang may 'good morning, ingat ka palagi' tapos tinatawag ka in the most random nickname. Hindi nakakasakal, sobrang comforting pa sa iyo. Palaging nandiyan para sa iyo, para pakinggan lahat ng rants mo sa buhay tapos yayakapin ka na lang kasi grabe, ang comforting siguro ng hugs niya. Si Haechan na kahit clingy, hinahayaan kang gumala o kaya sinamahan ka sa mga inuman (kapag inaya mo siya) para in case na malasing ka, nandiyan siya para ihatid ka niya pauwi kasi may tiwala magulang mo sa kanya eh, "Pass pre, ihahatid ko pa ito." GANYAN SIYA ANO BA!

Na Jaemin

Na Jaemin na manliligaw mo means botong-boto magulang mo pt. 2. Sweet, caring, tapos palaging may dalang pagkain tuwing bibisita sa inyo. Eto yung manliligaw mo na may kotse kaya hatid-sundo ka palagi. Sinisigurado na nakapasok ka na sa loob ng bahay niyo bago siya umalis, tapos may "nakauwi na po ako <3" update kapag nakauwi na siya kasi ayaw niyang nag-aalala ka. Sa sobrang boto ng magulang mo sa kanya, hinahayaan na nila ikaw magpagabi kasama si Jaemin. Palagi kayong may roadtrip. Tatambay sa NLEX/SLEX stopover, bibili ng pagkain, tapos nakaupo lang sa kotse habang nagkekwentuhan, nag-aasaran, momol EME. 

Zhong Chenle

Zhong Chenle as your manliligaw means sobrang spoiled ka. Palaging may regalo para sa iyo, kung ano man ang gusto mo. Plushie sa Miniso, Sonny Angels or Smiski, bibilhan ka niya iyon. Madalas kasi kapag nakakakita siya ng mga cute na bagay, naaalala ka niya. Pipicturan niya tapos ipapadala sa iyo. Magugulat ka na lang binili na pala niya iyon para sa iyo. Si Chenle na parte ng varsity team ng inyong university kaya naman todo bigay kapag nandiyan ka para manood ng laban nila. Kikindatan ka kapag naka-score o kaya ituturo ka ALAM MO IYON, tapos binigay niya yung spare jersey niya sa iyo kapag tapos na ang uaap season YIEEEEEE. 

Park Jisung

Park Jisung as your manliligaw na napaka-mahiyain sa una. Noong una kayong nagkita ang awkward! Sa may ihawan kayo sa labas ng uni niyo napadpad tapos ang tahimik pero naglakas-loob naman siya na kausapin ka. Siya nagbayad sa first date niyo kahit na you insist na hati na lang kayo, tapos hinatid ka niya sa dorm mo o sa sakayan! Simula non, naging routine niyo na na hinahatid ka niya bago siya umuwi, tapos siya palaging may dala ng bag mo para hindi ka mabigatan SHET. Tapos si Jisung na mahilig na katawagan ka tuwing gabi, messenger vidcall man iyan o discord call, basta marinig niya lang boses, tapos mag-uusap kayo tungkol sa walang-kwentang mga bagay. HAYSTT!!

[nice2meetyouu]

Pa-kwento lang.

Nakakatakot makipag-date ngayon. May nabasa akong post sa isang fb group, ito ang sabi:

Tama ba ang nararamdaman ko?

Hello pips 😅, medyo mahaba to. So bali ako ay 28M at 25F sya.

1. So ayun na nga nababagalan ako sa progress ng gf ko. Currently 2yrs+ on her current job earning at minimum. I already told her na lumipat na but still nagsstay parin don. While ako almost 3yrs naman na sa current work and twice na ding napromote. (FYI Sal.Dif. 20k-ish/160k-ish)

2. Plan naming mag migrate pero mukang ako lang yata ang interested sa Plano na 'yon. Gusto ko lang naman mafeel yung effort na sana inaalam nya yung nga bagay bagay regarding sa lilipatan namin kaso wala. Parang feeling ko tuloy ako na ang nag iipon for show money ako parin ang magpoprocess ng lahat.

3. When I talk naman regarding work career and Im targeting for the next position parang walang substanc ang reply nya. Parang " aah , oo, kaya mo yan , go" di ko mafeel . While sya hindi ko marinig na magkwento sya for career advancement. Parang walang balak. Puro rant sa boss nya pero di magawang umalis. How ironic diba?

4. Minsan paparinig ng gustong bilin. Minsan gusto ko ding sagutin na bakit di mo afford ? 🤣 Mabilis naman ako makapick up ng ganon pero ayoko lang ng bigay agad. Parang willing naman ako ibigay yon pero yung " thought na di mo nga kaya bilin tapos sakin mo ipapabili " Willing ko ibigay ng mga bagay pero kung afford nya pero ibibigay ko using my own money without her paying for it. Tama ba yon???

Any advice po? Willing to hear positive and negative comments.

Thanks

The Walking Red Flag 🚩🚩🚩

Thoughts:

Bakit nya ba jinowa 'yung girlfriend niya? Anong nakita niya? Mahal nya lang ba 'yung tao dahil sa sahod? Hindi nya ba alam ano 'yung work ng girl noong nagkakilala sila?

Nagegets ko na ambisyoso siya at as someone na naghahangad ding makaipon, valid na naghahangad lang sya ng ikauunlad niya in the future. Kaya lang, kung magdedecide kang magcommit, for me, dapat kaya mo siyang tanggapin for who she is as she is right now. Kung siya 'yung tipo na chill at enjoy-enjoy lang, eh 'yun siya. Kung dealbreaker sa 'yo, edi sana hindi ka pumasok sa ganyan, thinking na things will change (and immediately, at that).

Mukhang naghahanap na lang naman siya ng magvavalidate sa feelings niya pero this post made me feel so uncomfortable. Pakiramdam ko, audition ang dating these days where you get judged for being who you are. Okay lang sa 'kin 'yan sa getting to know stage kasi you don't want to be stuck with someone incompatible. I mean, it's a matter of finding someone to live life with. Pero don't tell people you love them tapos isheshame mo sila for their condition, mindset, salary, and perceived behavior.

Hindi ko alam 'yung side ng girl and posibleng wala nga rin talaga siyang ambag sa partnership na 'to kaya nafufrustrate 'yung nagpost. Pero bakit hindi nila mapag-usapan?

Saka 'yung number 4. Kakatakot. Nagbibilang ng ibinibigay or nangmamata? Hindi naman natin alam kung nagpaparinig talaga. Baka naman nagkukuwento lang. 'Yung kapatid ko madalas magshare tungkol sa branded bags, wallet, at kung anu-ano. Ibig sabihin ba nagpaparinig siya, at kahit nagpaparinig siya, eh kung ayaw ko bilhin, kailangan ko ba ipost pa online? Mukhang ang sama ng loob niya kung magbibigay siya.

Puro judgment. Nakakapagod. Sila dapat mag-usap tungkol dyan e.

On a personal note, ayoko nang maging vulnerable tapos majajudge and shame for showing negative feelings, for being sad, for making the decisions I made, tapos maa-abandon. Lol.

[lunansol]

Inaatake ako ng anxiety bc of unending conversations fuck, tunog ng tunog yung viber, tg, ig, messenger :(((. Wala akong energy to talk about other ppl problems and rants rn since ang dami ko kailangan ayusin and I have no energy to deal with it. I'm sorry na po agad, pagod lang rin rn. Hindi naman siya problema but more on works na kailangan gawin and napipressure na ako kasi ilang weeks na lang :((

[calxide]

⸻ MIXED SIGNALS | filo/tagalog & eng kazuha smau

SPECIAL SIGNAL FOUND [1]: Gabi ng Lambing

WC english 726 / + tagalog 1k + sns | TW mentions of ghosts, horror movies, pennywise, the movie It, lmk if there's more

"TANG INA, KAZUHA. PWEDE KA BA PUMUNTA SA DORM NAMIN?! (KAZUHA, COULD YOU PLEASE COME OVER?!)"

Your voice from the other line almost ripped and bled Kazuha's ears, his eardrums ringing in pain and for his whole nervous system to activate. Instead of joking about your possible situation right now to relieve the pain, he was more worried about you.

"Y…Y/N? May problema ba? (Y...Y/N? Is something the matter?)" His drowsiness was evident in the sound of his voice. "It's 2 in the morning," he added, turning around to the other side of his bed.

"BASTA, PUNTAHAN MO NA AKO. SIGE NA, PLEASE? (JUST COME OVER, PLEASE? PLEASE!)" You begged, desperate for someone to come over and give you some sense of comfort.

Kazuha got up from bed and grabbed one of his hoodies, "Kalma lang, Y/N. Ano ba yung problema? Sabihin mo sa 'kin para makapag-handa ako kung ano man 'yan. (Calm down, Y/N. Tell me what it is so I can at least prepare for whatever it is.)"

"TANG INA, MAY MULTO ATA SA DORM NAMIN. MINUMULTO ATA AKO. GAGO MAY NARINIG AKO SA LABAS T…TAPOS… TAPOS— (G-G-G-G-GHOST! I HEARD SOMETHING FROM THE OUTSIDE A-AND... AND!!!)"

Your response made Kazuha sigh in annoyance and amusement. First, you're not a kid anymore to be scared of this kind of thing. Second, how dare you wake his precious sleep during the semestrial break? Although he's not really against the idea of hanging out with you, let's pretend we don't know about that. Lastly, shouldn't Yoimiya be with you right now?

"Wala ba si Yoimiya diyan? (Is Yoimiya not with you?)"

You shivered under the not-so-comfort of your fluffy blanket, "'Di ba sinabi niya sa 'tin na a-attend raw siya nung Fright Night party ba 'yon ng mga Kamisatos. Sa totoo lang, uso pa ba 'yon?!?! E, siguro dahil mayaman sila, kayang kaya nila magpa-party para sa mga ganoong bagay. 'Di ako makapaniwala na naimbitahan talaga yung gagang 'yon. Akala ko nagbibiro lang siya! Tapos— (Didn't she tell us that she's going to attend a fright night party of the Kamisatos. Who even celebrates that these days?!?! Well, I mean, they're wealthy, so they could definitely afford to celebrate such trivial stuff. I can't believe that bitch actually got invited. I for real thought she was joking! And—)"

Kazuha listened to you rambling with bliss as he didn't hang up the call until he reached your dorm (which is just a building away), so you won't feel scared or lonely.

"—Kaya ayon, need ko ng kasama right now (—That's why I invited you over!)" You finished your rap rant.

Kazuha chuckled, "Grabe. Sa bilis mo magsalita pwede ka na maging rapper. (I'm amazed that you could talk that fast; you have the potential to be a rapper)," he joked while knocking at your door.

"AHHHH!"

"Anong nangyari? (What happened?)" Your scream startled Kazuha, making him attentive.

"MAY KUMAKATOK SA PINTO KO. PUTANG INA— (I HEARD SOMEONE KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KAZUHA, PLEASE—)"

Kazuha laughed, making the tears threatening to fall from your eyes come back. "Ako lang 'yon, haha. Buksan mo na yung pinto. (Idiot... Open your door. That was me.)"

"Grabe na ha. Pwede ba next time 'wag kang manggugulat? Halloween na halloween… Tsk. (Jeez. Could you please not startle me like that?)"

"Oo na po, ma’am. End ko na yung call— (Yeah, yeah. I'll hang up now—)"

"'WAG, POR FAVOR, KAZUHA! Pagkabukas nalang ng pinto tsaka mo i-end, please? (No, please! Don't hang up yet! Let me open the door first before you hang up, please?!)"

"Okay, calm down."

Once you've reached the door, you hang up the call and immediately launch yourself into an embrace with Kazuha.

And just like that, the two of you ended up on the couch.

"Ano ba’ng nangyari? (What even happened?)" Kazuha asked cautiously as he made himself comfortable in his seat.

"Sabihin nalang natin na hindi magandang manood ng horror movie magisa. (Let's just say it was a bad idea to watch a horror movie alone)," you said, embarrassed by the fact that you still can't watch it on your own.

Kazuha chuckled and motioned you to come closer to him, "You're so silly."

"Hey!" You playfully hit his shoulder, making him pinch your cheeks in response.

"Naalala ko tuloy nung nagsleep over tayo sa bahay ko tapos nag-movie night tayo kasama sina Yoimiya at Thoma. Hindi ka makatulog pagkatapos nating manood kasi akala mo kakainin ka ni Pennywise. (Reminds me of that time we had a movie night with Yoimiya and Thoma at my house, and you couldn't sleep after because you thought pennywise was coming to eat you.)"

It was a rainy night at that time when you four watched the movie It. The film was so terrifying that you swore to every archon that if you ever saw a clown in your life, you'll punch them right at the spot.

"Required po ba na ipaalala mo sa 'kin yung nakakakilabot na pangyayaring 'yon? (Was it really necessary to remind me of that gruesome sleepover we had?)"

Kazuha laughed light-heartedly at your response, "Tuwing naaalala ko na ginising mo kami ng hatinggabi… nakakatawang isipin. (You waking us up at midnight that night is so funny to look back at now.)"

"Manahimik ka, hampaslupa. (Oh, shut it.)"

"Ang cute mo po. (You're so cute.)"

Those three words were enough to make you look like a blushing mess. Meanwhile, Kazuha has no idea at all about how his words affect you. Typical him.

You decided to ignore the increasing rate of your heartbeat — you're probably just sick or still scared, you assumed.

"Matulog ka na. Nandito lang ako hanggang makatulog ka. (Go to sleep now. I'll stay with you until you fall asleep)," Kazuha said as he combed your hair.

You hummed in response and snuggled your face into his chest. The two of you shared a small, fluffy blanket that was placed on top of you.

"Good night, Kazu."

"Good night, Y/N."

BONUS:

PREV | NEXT

NOTE hellaur, magg-give up na sana ako kaso naisip ko na ituloy HAHAHAHAHA. sabi ko kagabi 'di ko na itutuloy kasi super late na pero nabored ako today soooo. i hope everyone's enjoying their sembreak (sorry if 2 days lang break niyo huhu). praying for everyone's safety too! sa lahat ng mga nasalanta ng bagyong paeng, namayapa at kasama sa itaewon tragedy, at kung ano mang pinagdadaanan niyo ngayon — i'm hoping for the best for you. happy (late) halloween!

— NOTE TRANSLATION: hello, i almost gave up on writing this but i thought i should continue it LOL. i told myself last night that i won't be writing this special chapt anymore since the theme's super late. but i got bored sooooooooo. i hope everyone's enjoying your break (i'm sorry if you don't have one :<) praying for everyone's safety! since there are a lot of tragedies going on right now, the one in itaewon and the typhoon here in ph, or whatever you're going through right now — i'm hoping for the best for you. happy (late) halloween!

P.S. apologies for the very very very late update,, i got too busy with schoolwork and i'm currently experiencing writer's block -_- i'll try to update mixed signals before going back to school though ! (which is on Monday, BUT UHH ANYWAY)

— LITERAL TRANSLATION OF "Gabi ng Lambing": Night of Tenderness | It is a play on words of the KMJS Halloween series "Gabi ng Lagim" which literally means, "Night of Terror"

TAGLIST @aixaingela @themusingsofmany @mcryv @ahopefulldreamscape @plinkuro @rvoulte @cridtiins @c0nn0rv8 @rinneamagisluv @liquor-kissez @tartagliasmoneybag @lazy-sanns @aikochan4859 @whats-humanity-lol @sheiiy @dearxiiao @venyan @orionicchaos @kimiesstuff @1meh27 @zannivrs @sukunasrealgf @sweetstrawberrybabe @mentally-a-menace @kusuzhi @coquettemaiden @shirmxie @mafukissu

[xelinezeddiorsstuff]

Ch 2: New beginnings...?

"Nice to meet you."

It's been 5 hours now, my eyes are puffy as hell. I've been crying for two hours, at first I yelled at shit then I watched a show which turned out to be a bad idea since now I'm crying because of a breakup scene. The Ice cream is finished and thrown away now, the wine I haven't opened just yet. I stopped for a minute, I didn't completely stop since I was still sniffling and tears were still falling.

I stood up and finally grabbed the box that Mark had given me. It was small, I was hoping that it wasn't jewelry because knowing my Serena nature I would not be able to control my urge to value it like treasure when it came from the hands of a man whose feelings were about his future and not mine. I open the box only to see that it had inside that said "I'm sorry." I immediately crumpled it and threw it in my trash can. There was confetti but I froze when I finally revealed that the gift was the bracelet I made for him when we started dating.

I started sobbing again since the meaning of that was when I made him that bracelet and gave it to him, he would only give it back to me when he finds someone much better. Young me believed him when he said that I will never be replaced but now I cry thinking that the promise that he promised 16 year old me was now broken. I spent so much time on that bracelet but now I wanted to destroy every way you can but my Serena nature kicked in, I just held it tightly clutching near my chest since that meant so much to me. I pull out the one you had when you taught him how to make said bracelet and put them both on the table sobbing while looking at the both of them. 

------- 

I stopped crying after a while, my eyes hurt so much. Even with my eyes hurting I decided to be stupid and open my phone. Bad idea because I forgot to unfollow and I saw his latest tweet. Shit. 

I can't fucking believe it. The famous supermodel Ysa? He was dating her and got her knocked up. I thought he knew how to have safe sex especially when we talked about it when it came to my boundaries for that topic since we were still preparing for it. But now I know that he's been sleeping with someone, that someone being the person I found an inspiration for my clothes and style with. I was so frustrated, I didn't know what to do, even being a psychology major you still have instances of not knowing what to do in different scenarios like this. I knew it ever since they both were in the same commercial, I had a strong gut feeling but I guess Ysa’s gut is feeling something now huh. 

In the heat of it all, I was impulsive. I took the bottle of wine and took a huge gulp from it. Another, another, and another gulp. Then I called my boss, and told him that I was quitting my job and started to rant to him about what happened that day. The next thing I remember was that I was on the goddamn floor with the wine from last night. 

I remember waking up in a wavy room? Shit it’s the hangover, I tried standing up despite my arms and legs feeling loopy. My head was spinning and my mind was just waking holy shit. Once my brain was semi awake, someone was banging at my door. 

"Isla! Tanghaling tapat na! Di ka pa nagigising?!" (Isla! It's Twelve noon already! Aren't you going to wake up?!") My auntie yelled as today was one of her free days. "Gising na po!" (Awake already!) I yelled groggily, everything is still spinning, the pain in my head just got worse, and worst of all I feel like I'm about to hurl everywhere.

*Slam*  My door barges open, my auntie goes towards me and looks at me up and down and gives me a disappointed look. "Jusko Lord Isla. Di ka naawa sa sarili mo ha? Nagtretrending ang boyfriend si Mark sa TV na ipapakasal na siya. Kabet ka lang pala?" (For christ sake Isla, Don't you feel sorry for yourself? Your boyfriends have been trending on TV with news of him getting married. Are you a side chick now?) My auntie questions so invasively while I am still trying to control my hangover. I wished she didn't have to know but Mark was dating a famous model. I took a deep breath in and just shook my head. I didn't want to answer her now because my priority was to get out of my hangover and start my day officially. 

"Ano? Di ka sasagot?" (What? Are you not going to answer?) My aunt asked, crossing her arms. I took a deep but shaky breath "Siya ang nanloko, hindi ako kabit. Nabuntis niya yung babae na yan." (He's the one who cheated, I never became a side chick of his. He got the model pregnant.) I said groggily and angrily and stood up to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. 

"Yan kasi, lagi ka nalang nandito eh. Yan tuloy na loko ka. Sayang pa naman ang pogi ba rin naman ni Mark '' (That's because, you're always here stuck at home. And now there you go you got cheated on. Such a waste as well, Mark was very good looking.) I put the toothbrush down and put it down on my sink and turned to look my auntie in the eye. I was mad, not only did she just invalidate how I got cheated on but she was taking HIS side on that just because of my job in which she forced me to take inside of the house only. That’s it I’m not taking anymore of this, I’m gonna push this a quarter towards speaking about this situation and most of it 

 "I got cheated on because it was his choice. He had no right to cheat on me when he has always told and promised me that he will be patient towards me and my career matters no matter what. and maybe you may have forgotten but I'm a cumlaude of B.S Psychology I study these types of issues within a human mind. If he was that easily tempted by some girl who struts on a catwalk wearing pieces of clothing that are considered by the privileged as art then he was not the one for me at all. And second of all, don't use my job as the reason because you were the person who forced me to work from home. You know what? I'm not gonna work from home anymore since I'm going to be taking that job that Kuya showed me." I yelled each and every single one. I know that my actions weren't controlled during that time but I couldn't think straight as well since I was really in a bad hangover and she was getting on my nerves. 

Next thing I know after I said that Slap! My aunt slapped me in the face. I held on to the cheek that she slapped as soon as it was done, tears were forming, and I was scared.

"Abah sumasagot ka na. Sino ba nag sabi saiyo na papayagan ka mag work ka outside of the house ha? Akala mo maka survive ka na wala ako? Ha! Tignan mo lang Isla." (Wow you're talking back now. Who told you that you could work outside of the house? You think you can survive without me? Ha! You'll see, Isla.) My auntie yelled before going away and slamming the door. 

"Tangina naman, ang ganda ng buhay sobra."(For fucks sake, life is beautiful really beautiful.) I sarcastically yelled. 

'Oh I'll show you, I'll show all of you'  I thought to myself before drinking my pain killers and trying to get out of my hangover.. 

The anger was still there, no matter what, it was there. I knew my Auntie loved Mark, even though she tried to put me in an arranged marriage beforehand when she knew I had a boyfriend but once she met him, you could just tell that she already making wedding plans. My aunt would involve him in everything after that, making him feel like family. I get that she's mad, but that anger shouldn't be directed at me, I'm not the one who fucking cheated.

Once I did, the first thing I did was eat breakfast and drink plenty of water then I transferred my clients files since well I impulsively quit my job because of my stupid drunk self. Then delete them all after I have transferred all. Some of my patients reached out and thanked me for treating them well and giving them hope for themselves in which for me made the job worthwhile.

 And then started to work on my interview, I did research on the school, on what interview questions they would ask, on what kinds of interview questions I can have. This job feels like its calling me, meaning I really have to do well on this interview. I even learned about the staff, the principal, the PE teacher, The Werewolf sex education teacher, The Botany teacher, and many more.

This is my chance to prove to Tita that I have a chance. So that's all I did all day before the interview. It was the same routine: wake up early, swim in the ocean, argue with my auntie, eat breakfast, then the whole day I prepared for my interview. 

Sure it's unhealthy of me to overwork myself to do well in this interview but, I'm not going to let Mark win by just sulking and missing him. No, he gave me this opportunity to make a name for myself and now I'm doing it. And this was also a way to prove to my auntie that I could be on my own now, I could go out and meet people like me. And never ever go back to being isolated. Which is why I’m treating this like it was my bar exam.

------------------------------------

The day of the interview 

The alarm I set was two hours before the interview. For the first time in a while, I made myself breakfast, the classic egg and longganissa breakfast, brushed my teeth, took a warm and peaceful shower, and did some house chores so that Kuya won't have to worry much later.

I picked out what to wear and then settled on my favourite but not frequently used pink suit.

I was preparing for the interview when I heard a knock on my door. "Come in, I'm done changing." I answered while putting a pink blazer on for my interview. My cousin came in with something in his hand. "Ayyy, she's getting ready na, how are you feeling?" He asked while looking around me to see if I had any flaws with the formal wear I was wearing. "I'm a bit nervous, but at the same time, I'm excited because this whole thing is gonna be so new to me." I said while straightening my jacket. 

He looked at his watch, and it was almost time for him to go, also nearing the time when my interview was going to start. "Aalis na ako ha? Good luck sayo, Isla." (I'll get going already, Goodluck Isla) He hugged me tightly. "HOY KUYA YUNG BLAZER GUGUSOT YAN." (HEY KUYA, MY BLAZER IS GONNA GET CRUMPLED)  I shouted while playfully slapping him. He laughed, then let down before saying his final goodbye. I straightened my blazer once again and checked the time it was almost my interview. 

My tita walked and saw me before I was going to sit down on my desk. She gave me a glare then walked up to me. “Kahit kelan eh noh, lagi nalang ako mali, lagi na lang ikaw ang tama. Sana di ka papasa dito, sinasabi ko na sayo na di safe sa labas pero gagawin mo parin toh” (Everytime everywhere, I’m the one who's always wrong. You’re the one who’s always right. I hope you don’t pass this interview, I already told you it's not safe out there and yet you still do this.) My aunt then left. ‘Wala naman goodluck diyan putangina?’ (Not even goodluck there fuck this)

I slammed my palm against the wall when I heard my auntie go out of the house. I was frustrated.

Ever since my mom died, she has been this asshole, from making me transfer to a public school where I got bullied just from coming from a private school to nearly forcing me to date a guy when she knew I was dating Mark until she saw him. I don't know what she thinks that was going to do when she did all of those, but I finally rebelled when I chose to choose psychology instead of modelling like Mark.

That was the first time I rebelled, normally I would have felt bad like when I was in highschool and I would extend just a little bit to get a taste of street food due to how hungry I was at that time but when I did so, I would always apologize and get grounded.

I collected myself and started doing breathing exercises. This made me calm down for a while, but it was obvious that I was pissed but not to worry since I'm able to control my emotions when it came to serious settings, or so I hope.

I sat on my desk and clicked on the zoom link they sent me. While I was waiting the nerves kept going up to me while I waited for the call. I really want this to work or else I'm letting my tita control which I do not want anymore. 

All those thoughts stopped when someone entered the Zoom call. She had wavy medium red hair, wearing a brown cardigan, those thick framed glasses. I was stunned for some reason. She looked to be older than and definitely not the principal I saw on the website. It was.. 

"Good morning there in the Philippines. I'm Marilyn Thornhill, the botany teacher of Nevermore and I'm here to be your interviewer. I’m sorry for the sudden change of interviewer, Miss Weems had to take care of something and I was here already so.., Miss Isla are you ready?”

[mejomonster]

Okay so clearly I need danmei recs that are enemies to lovers or at least "mutually suspect each other" to lovers. I like the slow burn it creates, the suspense that their developing crush might be on the enemy/bad guy, that sort of thing. I think that's part of why I like Silent Reading Zhoudu (the possibility of Fei Du actually plotting crimes is delicious and i Eat Up that dynamic), Guardian Weilan (they're both feeling each other out and investigating), 2ha (Mo Ran starts the novel right off with: I died for this man but I also HATE him and that's a very intriguing hook for me)

So any other danmei that have this in the dynamic?

[jopetkasi]

wala po ako sa manila ngayon. yung natitira kong travel fund sa cebu pacific eh ginamit ko na at baka mag expire.

di ko naman din alam national holiday nila ngayon dito. so ayun na excite ako sa figther jets nila and at the same time feeling ko 3rd world na naman tayo. basta. oh sa mga fans ni ni Mang Kanor at Dyunor dito wag nyo ako i bash ha (basta ako, ang presidente... lol)

will meet my cousin who has been here for almost 3 decades na. ganun pala sa Sg kahit matagal kana dito, the most they can give you is permanent visa not citizenship?

kasama ko pala si pamangkin #2. pamangkin #1 has an out of town thing this weekend.

come to think of it, i should start charging my kuya for being a pseudo parent to these boys diba? i mean he is now a judge - which by the way made me research the current pay of active magistrates (see below)

but then ako na naman ang lalabas na masamang kapatid for asking to be paid...dapat daw kasi yung mga ganito borne "out of love"

naisip ko lang naman pero ay putanginang yan reasoning ng mga kamag anak ko talaga.

like what i told you guys before, pag youngest ka and you belong to a Chinese-Filipino family and single ka, expect a life of servitude.

of course, i am complaining. my parents are currently touring Europe, while the rest of my siblings are scattered abroad living their lives, and earning good money, while I am here....trying to be the good son and doting uncle.

sorry sa rant.

[walangmaisipp]

....

May nakalkal na naman akong rants ko sa life ko dati actually about lovelife lol

Kung dati muntik na akong magmakaawa ng oras para lang makausap at makasama yung unggoy na yun..

Pero ngayon di ko na kailangan magdemand o kahit ano. Kase ibibigay ni Lord yung tamang tao para sayo, yung taong marunong kang alagaan, yung taong marunong kang pahalagahan at yung taong mamahalin ka kung ano at sino ka. Thank you Lord dahil binigyan nyo po ako ng tamang taong mamahalin ko at mamahalin ako. ❤️

[sunb0rn]

at wala nang nagawa si mamy na mag isa ako dito sa apartment ngayon.

kahapon ko pa din kasi naiisip ano kaya tots nya.

nung sunday pa nya alam na may sakit si kar eh.

di naman sya nag cchat. nag ssend lang sya ng recipes sa fam gc pero di sya nangangamusta. tonight nalang nung nag chat ako para sabihin na mag ingat sila at wag labas ng labas sa bahay at baka may madulas

idk of na-rant/nakwento ko naba dito na ang big deal kay mamy if wala ako kasama sa apartment. bsta yung mga last year yon and sa TG channel ako mas nakaka pagkwento.

yung pinaka natatandaan ko was yung one time na napa byahe ng gabi si kar pauwi dito instead na papalipas muna sya sa kanila. hindi naman sinabi ni mamy na bumyahe si kar ng gabi ah. sabi nga nya eh dapat daw di na kami naluwas if hindi sigurado na makaka uwi yung isa sa amin. bumyahe nalang si kar kahit mejo nag away sila ng mama nya ksi nag aalala din sya na nag aalala nanay ko.

bsta simple na kwento nalang to ksi di ko na din maalala all pero bsta badtrip (naffrustate na feeling ko di ako makakilos) ako non. di lang din naman nya isang beses ni call out. and even nung kami pa ni mae ang magkasama, lagi paalala na wag mag iisa. ang akin, may kanya kanya kaming sched sa buhay siempre so masisigurado ba nya na magkasama kami palagi dito sa bahay. hindi rin naman.

kailangan ko pa tuloy mag sinungaling kapag itatanong niya kung andito naba si kar. hindi naman sya tipong regularly mag tanong,kasi di rin kami ma text/chat/vc na fam, random lang. pero imbis sana makaka pag kwento ako like, "si kar po umuwi muna sa kanila ksi may bday sa bahay" ganyan; wala wag nalang.

ayun, kanina nag ask sya sino kasama ko. idk kung hoping sya na nagpasama ako kung kanino man na workmate. tas sabi ko lang wala, nag paalala nalang sya ng ingat, mag lock, wag basta mag bubukas ng pinto.

feel ko nakwento ko na yung ganon pero skl ulit ksi first time yung alam niya na wala ako kasama.

[bbarican]

april 05, 2023; 9:01 pm - last work rant before holy week break

okay mina-manifest ko na ito na talaga last work rant ko before the official holy week break kasi nakakairita talaga eh

for context - may gusto kaming pagsubmitan ng entry for an awards thingy for interior design and matagal na namin tong pinaguusapan ng boss ko, even before i left for japan for a week so a week goes by and wala naman nafinalize and i truly believe na hindi ko din naman dapat finallow up sa boss ko yun during my leave kasi naka leave nga naman ako and its such a small task tbh

so here's the thing - one whole week went by and this week lang namin inasikaso lahat for the entry; we finalized what project to enter by monday, i made a draft and sent it yesterday for my boss to comment on, the deadline is TODAY pero ngayon as in right this flipping minute kung kelan gabi na ngayon palang nageedit boss ko

some tots kasi if i dont type this out, i might burst:

the project my boss chose is an old project; specifically, it was a project she handled and yet she kept asking ME to gather information about the project nang parang i was there when the project was still ongoing when infact i wasnt even in the company yet nung natapos yung project na yun

she was asking me to name artists of the numerous paintings the client had pero sobrang labo nung mga pictures ng mga painting so paano na po ano

ang pinaka-nakakainis for me is: i was away for a fucking week and she decides to work on this JUST NOW KUNG KELAN DEADLINE NA as in gagawa lang siya ng slides mag didikit lang siya ng pictures sa gslides, hindi niya nagawang gawin or iutos last week? tapos pupuyatin niya ko tonight?

sobrang badtrip ko talaga sa boss ko ever since kaninang umaga kasi sobrang condescending pa ng tono ng mga chat niya; whats even worse is, sa sobrang gusto niyang manalo, she's going above and beyond and nagsa-sway na siya from the mechanics of the awards, 3-5 sentences lang daw pero teh para kaming nagsusulat ng nobela, diba nga kautos utos nung nasa school pa tayo na follow directions, bat di siya sumusunod diyos ba siya

hay - basta wala na kong paki kung mapili kami or hindi, i swear to god this wasnt worth my time tbh and its sad kasi at first i was really excited for this, nakakainis lang na my boss had to let things come to this point

[darchildre]

Sara Reads an Infuriating Book, part 2

Chapter 2 of W Scott Poole's Wasteland is entitled "Waxworks". This is where I got angry enough to start taking notes in earnest rather than just annotating the ebook, so this is longer and has more actual quotes.

First, a disclaimer: I do not in any way disbelieve that WWI had a huge impact on early 20th century horror. Of course it did; how could it not? What I object to is Poole's assertion that it is the only thing that could possibly have had such an impact and that that impact always and only comes in the form of fear of bodily death and the corpse as an object of horror. Any time anyone gives you a Grand Unified Theory of Horror that claims to explain all of reasons that humans create scary or disturbing art, that theory is never going to be correct. People are more complex than that. And now, bullet points!

Okay, first off, I do have to apologize for ranting about Poole talking about Machen's "The Bowmen" without actually talking about it last chapter, because he talks about the story explicitly in this chapter. This is a structural thing he does repeatedly: he'll mention a writer/director/etc and hint at a work he's going to discuss later without actually naming it. (In this chapter, he does this with Fritz Lang and Metropolis.) This structural choice is not well-signposted and I don't care for it, but at least now I know that's what he's doing.

He also touches on Lovecraft again here, so I apologize as well for accusing him of skipping ol' Howie. Here, we talk briefly about "Herbert West: Re-animator", as it's the only Lovecraft story to a) actually feature WWI explicitly and b) deal much with corpses. There's also this quote about Cthulhu which is...a big fucking stretch: "He raised great Cthulhu, a monster that has haunted the century, a new death’s head spreading wide his black wings of apocalypse, which was clearly recognizable as the Great War and its meaning continued to menace the world."

Like, there is absolutely an argument to be made that WWI was a major influence on the invention of cosmic horror at the beginning of the 20th century. Again, how could it not be? WWI was proof for a lot of people that the universe fundamentally didn't care about them. But that's the thing that I don't think Poole gets - cosmic horror is not about the fear that you are going to die. Cosmic horror doesn't care about your corpse because it doesn't care about you. Cosmic horror is about the fear that no one cares that you exist at all. That is a huge and important difference.

As the chapter title implies, there is a lot of repeated discussion this chapter of waxworks, dolls, puppets, poppets, etc. Poole insists over and over again that a) all of these simulacra can be collapsed symbolically into a single image and that image is of a corpse and b) these objects became horrific after WWI because of the corpse thing. But then he'll go through the history of the fascination with creepy wax figures stretching back to wax images of saints through Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, or he'll talk about dolls and reference E T A Hoffman's The Sandman (from 1817), which, to my mind, totally undercuts his point. You don't need the Great War to make waxworks creepy, my dude.

(Somewhat relatedly - there is a really interesting book to be written about the prevalence of hypnotism/mind control/sleepwalking in early horror film, but it is not going to be this book because Poole thinks all that's happening there is more corpses.)

Which leads us to the discussion of The Cabinet of Caligari! Poole spends a lot of time rehashing a widely accepted interpretation of the film proposed by Siegfried Kracauer in his 1947 book From Caligari to Hitler: Kracauer reads the film as a warning about the dangers of authoritarianism, with the somnambulist Cesare standing in for the people of Europe who unconsciously do the evil bidding of their authoritarian masters. Not saying that's the only possible reading of the film - I don't believe there's only one possible reading of any film - but it's an interesting and persuasive one. 'Nope!' says Poole. See, his theory is that the filmmakers wanted to get artist Alfred Kubin to design the look of the film (he did not end up working on the film), Kubin's work has a lot of doll-like figures in it, dolls are always corpses, and therefore Caligari is, once again, only about how all those people died in the war. This is the only thing the filmmakers could have meant.

(On the positive side, this did lead me to look up the art of Alfred Kubin, which I was previously unfamiliar with. It's pretty rad.)

"There’s not enough evidence, for example, that the world understood that their somnambulistic obedience helped produce the outrages of the Great War." I don't see that the world as a whole has to see that in order for the film to attempt to convey that meaning - surely what matters is that the filmmaker saw it and made a film about it. It's not necessary for the world to understand the meaning behind a work of art for a person to make that work of art.

(Somewhat ironically, Poole complains that Kracauer is only capable of interpreting German film in the 1920s through the lens of his pet theory. Who does that remind me of? Couldn't say.)

Oh my god this is already so long, I haven't even talked about J'accuse. Poole thinks J'accuse is a zombie movie which I won't argue because I've only read about it and haven't seen it yet - that could be a valid interpretation for all I know. But then he compares it unfavorably to Romero zombie films and complains that the director of J'accuse "did not really know what to do with [his zombies]", just because they rise from their graves, make their point, and then return to their graves. The entire point of the film is to make the viewer bear witness to the dead. Poole even says this: "The film’s theme of marital infidelity, that inescapable trope in the cinema of the Great War, became a symbol for the larger question of whether the nation had been faithful to the cause of its soldiers.  The dead came back to make sure they had." What else did you want the zombies to do???

God, the whole section about Vampyr made me crazy. Poole is all, "Carl Theodore Dreyer had little connection to the war and I’m not going to show any actual evidence that the war had an impact on his work but he made Vampyr in 1932 and it’s weird and scary and full of shadows and creepy imagery, so obviously it’s about WWI." (nb not at all an actual quote.) There's just no acknowledgement that a person might make a horror film that was inspired by something that happened to them that wasn't WWI. Hell, there's no acknowledgement that a person might make a horror film because they like making spooky stuff. I was a monster kid basically from birth - I suffered no trauma to make me that way. I certainly didn't participate in WWI. Explain that, W Scott Poole.

Lastly, he's just factually wrong about The Phantom of the Opera, in that he claims that the 1925 film presents no explanation for Erik's deformity, unlike the novel. This is not correct - there is no reason for his deformity in the novel either. Later films added that. The lack of explanation in the 1925 film is not a response to mutilated war veterans; it's just an accurate adaptation. Poole says, "No one in the Western world could have looked at the visage of Lon Chaney and not thought of what the French called the gueules cassées…" and maybe that's true, but he's just stating a theory based on a mistake and presenting no evidence.

On the plus side, I'm making a very cool list of books I want to read from the works cited, and also some films that I haven't gotten around to seeing yet.