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benisasoftboi · 4 years

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Unorganised thoughts on Trails of Cold Steel III:

...I’m gonna need like a week to process that

I guess I know why people hate George now!

Could really use a good old reset from KeA right now

This is the best game in the Cold Steel series so far. Easily

I... there’s no way they’re all really dead, right? This series has been completely toothless about killing anyone who isn’t a villain until now, no way they’re permanently killing someone who’s been here since practically day 1, no way. Show me a body

And even then I’ll doubt it with all these revivals happening all over the place

‘He’s HIDING’ I sob as I apply clown make-up

Ben Diskin did not need to go so hard on the voice acting at Millium’s death he did not need to do that to me

My god when Angie drove into the graveyard and my PS4 popped up a little notification telling me it was a blocked scene, the tension in me... and I never saw that coming, I’ll have to see if it was foreshadowed at all by replaying CS1 and 2 some time

I saw Lughman being a baddie a mile away (a mysterious professor turning out to be evil in a Trails game? UNPRECEDENTED!) but he’s Alisa’s dad!?

Neat writing trick actually, since they probably knew we’d guess the former, they blindside us with the latter

I can’t express how happy it made me that the Rufus battle was Machias Jusis Elliot. My dream team!

Estelle and Joshua got mentioned so much I figured they’d make a surprise appearance at the end and save the day

So. Characters:

Rean: Rean is once again moderately more interesting than he was before, but still the least interesting person in the game. I guess he’s got some guilt that’s actually justified now, that’s cool?

I ship him with Crow, not because the pairing really appeals to me that much, but because being shipped with Crow would totally piss Rean off and I find that extremely funny

His relationship with Altina is the best relationship he’s ever had with a female character and it is 100% because she’s the only girl he’s never ship teased with

(I don’t have an issue with the concept of ship tease itself, I have an issue with Rean-ship tease because 1. I still truly do not understand why so many girls like him so much and 2. None of it will ever canonically go anywhere)

(Seriously I’m so tempted to write a breakdown of why every other guy in Erebonia is more desirable than Rean)

Juna: I like Juna. I realised early on that she and Kurt remind me of Estelle and Joshua, without being carbon copies, and that’s good. I also think her relationship with Rean was really interesting - ‘I don’t know how to feel about you because you saved my life, but it also wouldn’t have needed saving if it weren’t for your country’s actions, which you’ve played a major role in - but now I’m being forced to confront that you’re a human being too’ is a really complicated situation for her. It’s a lot more interesting than ‘I don’t like you because you accidentally got a face full of chest’, Alisa

I also really liked using her, I ended up loading her with the Platinum Pecky Medal and defensive stuff, and she was a wall, she took an S-craft from Arianrhod in her stride! My buff girl!

She should’ve just been the new protagonist ngl

Kurt: Kurt had a lot to live up to, seeing as his brother is my favourite minor character. And oh does he succeed, Kurt is my favourite of New VII, he’s a good straight man, he’s great in battle, I like his arc, I like his friendship with Juna, I like Kurt

Altina: I was not sure about Altina just... being a student now. But damn if she didn’t have the best character arc in the game. I only did her final bonding event on a whim, but it’s the best one I saw. My girl Allie deserves the damn world

I really, truly believe those three have a bond as well, they’re very well written as a group. This was a problem I had with Old VII, the fact that so many of them just... didn’t have relationships with each other. How do, say, Fie and Machias feel about each other? I have no idea. But this group has a fantastic dynamic and it makes that ending so much more effective

It’s like I praised Crossbell for, really - having a small core group is much more manageable in terms of giving them all equal screen time and getting me to care about them

Musse: Uh, kind of one-note and annoying, honestly. I don’t hate her or anything, but like... she’s either Being Mysterious or Hitting On Her Teacher (I hate it I hate it so much). It’s just hard to care about someone who’s clearly so fake, I guess? I’m definitely interested in her, but like... I don’t really like her

Ash: Poor boy. I thought Ash was such an interesting character (and man do I love having someone around who does not like Rean, and never really changes his mind about it). Ash is very well done imo

Alisa: Alisa is good when the issue is her family drama, and is so goddamn boring when it comes to Rean. Nothing new there

Elliot: I love his little ponytail I love it he’s so cute I want to hug him so bad

Laura: Winner of the ‘best new outfit’ award (was never that fond of her war outfit, but this one is perfect). Still good, but not notably so. I feel so bad for Laura, she tries so hard to matter, but she’s by far the character you’d have the easiest time lifting out of the game

And while I love Elliot... same situation really. You could go back to the start and have one character named Elliaura who likes swords and music and has two big-shot dads, and you wouldn’t lose much

Machias: Took down Rufus, yeah, destroy your best friend (boyfriend)’s evil family! Winner of the ‘worst new outfit’ award, AGAIN. Also winner of ‘dorkiest S-craft’. I did his final bonding event first, and according to Playstation trophies it’s the least popular one! Stop sleeping on my boy Machias guys, I know he was annoying in the first game but I love him :(

Gaius: Special award to Gaius for finally being interesting! Boy’s a Gralsritter now, did not see that coming!

And of course it happened off screen. Because god forbid interesting stuff happen to Gaius when we’re actually around

Oh also goddamn, that is a beautiful man

Emma: Don’t really like the new outfit. It’s kind of remarkable that she’s so important but I keep forgetting she exists. Exposition witch who sometimes just doesn’t deliver the exposition I guess

Fie: Still my fav girl. Wish there had been more focus on her feelings about her dad coming back to life. Like that she’s a bracer

Jusis: Wasn’t sure how to feel about his newly close friendship with Millium because I was concerned that I was meant to ship it (by far my least favourite thing about this franchise is that that was not an unreasonable concern, as it wouldn’t even be the most inappropriate relationship in this game alone). Very, very glad it was confirmed sibling-y (not that it’s stopped them before). He didn’t really get to do anything else, sadly, but he’s good as always

I did the Purebread contest with him, and he made bread from coffee beans Machias gave him, the Ferdibert Fire Emblem energy-

“What are you doing underneath this scarlet Pleroma Grass?”

Milliam: :(

Sara: Doesn’t get much to do because this cast is bloated but like, I still really like her :)

Towa: Someone needs to check on Towa all her friends are dead or evil the poor poor girl (or uh. I guess Crow isn’t... hmm.)

Angie :(

My kids Tita and Agate are back and completely overshadowed by people teasing this almost 30-year old man about being in love with a 17 year old that he’s only ever claimed to see as a sister, I swear to god

The orbal gear looks so goofy lol

Stop mentioning Schera as just being ‘totally here, just off screen, ha ha’ give her a model! Have her be here!

Don’t get me wrong, I loved seeing Josette again, I just don’t get... why? Why is she here?

Tio is back! And so is Randy, as a major character! I’m very very happy, I love them both

Michael’s fine, I guess? He’s kind of bland but I guess that’s kind of the point and I like him just fine. He serves his purpose well

I’ve never really liked Claire all that much, but she’s fine in this one again I suppose. A bit disappointed by the Lechter reveals really, I had expected more, to be honest

Aurelia is a fun character and I enjoy her as the principal. Want to see her fight Cassius

Want to see Cassius

I love my girl Annabelle, but she’s the only reason I didn’t get all the character profiles (how was I meant to know I could even go to the highway at that point hmmm Falcom!?)

They picked a good selection of returning Thors students. Even Dorothee isn’t as annoying as she used to be. Hilarious that she’s the only one who didn’t get a profile

Juna gave a great big speech about how awesome the SSS are and namedrops everyone EXCEPT WAZY! My FAVOURITE Crossbell character! So offensive!

Oh speaking of offensive I took Machias to the Mishy show and was told he and Rean did a Mishy dance but they didn’t show it, what the hell-

Playable Olivier! Olivier back story! I could write a goddamn essay on why Olivier is such a great character. Glaring at you Falcom

I miss Mueller :(

Ada Grant is wonderful and I want better things for her

Rufus is a damn great villain just because of how much sense his actions suddenly make when you know that one little detail of him not actually being Jusis’s brother

I hate Cedric but like, in a way where I’m having fun hating him. That little bitch

Literally what do you even actually want Osbourne

I still cannot stand Elise. Something I realised playing this game is that one of the things that stops the Estelle and Joshua relationship from being as weird as it could be is that they don’t look at all alike, it’s very clear they’re not related in the slightest. Elise and Rean look like they really could be siblings, and come to think, so do Lloyd and Cecile. Which is also teased, to a lesser extent. It would be so much less uncomfortable if they just swapped Elise and Alfin’s models ngl (though still not good)

inb4 the final plot twist of the whole series is that Estelle and Joshua actually were biological siblings all along

This game looks so much better than its predecessors. Having the models being a little rounder and softer looking makes it look much more like an updated version of the original style than the complete departure that was CS1 and 2. Every time there was a flashback, Rean would be like ‘back then...’ and I’d feel compelled to say out loud ‘when we were shiny, and looked bad!’

‘Evil ancient magic corrupts people into making them do bad things!’ is... honestly a bit of a cop out that I did not expect from this series

I found Rean telling Patrick ‘leave room for Aidios when dancing with my sister’ extremely funny. Rean would totally be a Christian summer camp counsellor in the real world

I honestly would have enjoyed it a lot more if Alfin decided to cause a scandal and have her first dance with Elise, but we can’t have such luxuries I suppose

When you get that book on dystopias, very clever to put the author on the last page. Seeing the name Gideon gave me such a start

Racquel was easily my fav new location

Leeves > Trista no doubt, maybe I’m just biased because it looks a lot like the village I grew up in but it’s just such a nicer design

Also the branch campus > main campus purely for being smaller, making the filler segments between field trips more bearable

I prefer the longer but fewer chapters set-up, I think

There’s so many sad faces in this write up :(

Back when I played Sky SC, I said something about how one of the themes is ‘you are not defined by your trauma’. I now think it would be more accurate to say that the theme of all the games (but especially the Sky arc) is ‘don’t let your worst experiences define you’

Because there are characters who define themselves by their traumas and worst experiences - and those characters are all villains, or miserable, or both. Like, they don’t phrase it as such, but the requirement to be an Ouroboros enforcer is ‘have trauma and define yourself by it’

And both Joshua and Renne’s arcs are about learning not to do that

Equally, the idea that ‘it’s much easier to not to define yourself by your trauma when you have a good support system that wants the best for you’ is a big theme as well

I just think that’s a really interesting idea for a JRPG series to tackle, idk

I can’t believe I’m at the last game! This series has been my life for the past near-half a year, what do I do when I finish it?

...go back and play Sky FC, maybe?

#trails of cold steel 3 #trails of cold steel #trails series #kiseki series #erebonia arc

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inclineto · 5 years

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Books, September - October 2019

So the thing about a 3 canto/night Faerie Queene quota is that it sure does cut into the rest of your reading, while leaving you with an appetite for frivolity and no patience for bad style. But anyway...

Hither Page - Cat Sebastian [Look, there’s a charming but thoroughly implausible romance, post-war rationing, some murder, and a vicar. You’re either here for this sort of thing or you’re not. (I was there for it.)]

Gaywyck - Vincent Virga [There...is a lot going on here. But, astoundingly, slightly less incest than I expected!]

Waisted - Randy Susan Meyers

The Wild Places - Robert Macfarlane [”These are creatures, you realise, that live by voices inaudible to you.”]

The Ghost Clause - Howard Norman *

Maritime: New and Selected Poems - Ian Stephen [dnf]

Rabbits for Food - Binnie Kirschenbaum [So, how’s your depression right now? not so great? then maybe skip this - or, who knows, maybe now is exactly the time for someone else’s horrifyingly funny, horrifyingly realistic breakdown]

Sincerely, Harriet - Sarah W. Searle

Time Song: Searching for Doggerland - Julia Blackburn, with drawings by Enrique Brinkmann

By Demons Possessed - P.C. Hodgell [I’ve missed two or possibly three books in this series: I’m not sure and I don’t regret it and that probably means nothing good. But God Stalk is great! God Stalk is early 80s fantasy at its very weird best. Read that.]

To Lie with Lions - Dorothy Dunnett

Akin - Emma Donoghue

We Didn’t Mean to Go to Sea - Arthur Ransome

Margaret the First - Danielle Dutton * [In paper this time, and with absolute delight]

Names for the Sea: Strangers in Iceland - Sarah Moss

Social Creature - Tara Isabella Burton [Let us be glad we do not aspire to be young, rich, pretty, and well-photographed in New York. I’m truly unsure whether I was hate-reading this or not, but damn did I want to know what would happen next...which I suppose is exactly the point of being or watching bright young things.]

Any Old Diamonds - KJ Charles [I liked this more on the reread, but Jerry’s still too damn verbose]

Inconspicous Consumption: The Environmental Impact You Don’t Know You Have - Tatiana Schlossberg - [You probably knew you had it. Speaking of impacts, this book has used up the world’s entire supply of perky parenthetical asides and now there are none for the rest of us. Bummer. (Spoiler alert: I’m lying!)]

An Unseen Attraction - KJ Charles [Figured I’d see whether I thought better of this one on the reread, too - and it’s...fine. It’s fine.]

The Faerie Queene - Edmund Spenser ***

Caprice and Rondo - Dorothy Dunnett

Juniper, Gentian, and Rosemary - Pamela Dean

#books 2019 #books practical and pleasurable #the faerie queene! i spent all of october reading the entire freaking faerie queene!

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alexandralyman · 6 years

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bedtime stories (beyond the horizon)

I missed my original posting date but it’s still October and this is my contribution for @cscocktoberfest! Another extra scene in the BtH-verse, where Princess Emma finds a very interesting (cough*dirty*cough) book on the shelf in the captain’s quarters and has some questions about some unfamiliar words that Killian is all too happy to answer ; )

Also on ff.net here

"Killian?"

"Aye, love?" he answered without looking up, grease pencil in hand as he marked a port on the map in front of him and measured the distance from their current position, doing sums in his head and somewhat distracted by a particularly tricky bit of calculation.

"What does it mean when a randy young lad is secretly polishing his knob?"

"It means...what?"

The figures he'd painstakingly laboured over for the better part of an hour all flew out of his mind and her words lodged there instead while his head jerked up and he met Emma's curious gaze across the cabin. She was sitting in her chair with a book in hand, skirts spilling over the sides and her ankles crossed, tucked away demurely underneath the seat and looking the very picture of a well-bred lady.

"After spying on the chambermaid in her bath, the randy young lad retires to his master's empty study to polish his knob with renewed vigour. I'm guessing from the context that the author did not mean the knob on the door? And when he finishes, he gives a loud groan that almost rouses the whole household and hides the evidence in a handkerchief. The evidence of what?"

Killian blinked at that, the pencil going as limp in his hand as presumably the randy young lad's knob did when he was done, slack-jawed and feeling that he probably bore more than a passing resemblance to a startled codfish at the moment. When he finally managed to find his voice it came out much higher than normal as he squeaked out, "What on earth are you reading?"

Emma held up the volume, it was slim, cloth-bound, a bit worn around the edges and entirely unassuming in appearance with no title visible on the cover or spine. She frequently read in the evenings while he updated the logbook or plotted out the ship's course for the following day, plucking one of his books from the shelves to occupy herself with as he worked. They were a jumbled lot collected piecemeal over the years, sailing lore, dry texts on navel regulations that he no longer followed but kept around for reasons he didn't think about too closely, old legends, tales, histories of lands he'd visited (and plundered, usually) and novels. He supposed Emma had chosen a novel, since he certainly didn't remember Uniform Code of the Royal Navy, Fifth Edition or Krakens, Great Squids and Whales: Hunting and Butchering Techniques to include any randy young lads polishing their knobs among the instructions for tying a cravat in the correct knot for an officer or detailing the best method for harvesting whale blubber.

"So what does it mean?" she repeated.

"It means…" Killian realized he had started to make the corresponding motion with his hand and he felt his cheeks colour, suddenly feeling more like a young lad himself than a man of almost thirty who was well-versed in the many pleasures of the flesh, both with a companion and without. Princess Emma was looking at him expectantly, obviously waiting for his answer. Sweet, gently-reared Princess Emma, unfamiliar with the more bawdy terms tossed about with ease in disreputable company like pirates and their usual bedmates of tavern wenches and ladies of the night. He tried to phrase it in as delicate a manner as he could, he was a pirate now but he had been a gentleman once.

"It's when a lad, or a man, um, er...gratifies himself by hand, to satisfy his lust when he doesn't have the company of a lass."

She glanced back down at the book and went, "Ah. I see." in a tone he couldn't decipher. Then she flipped the page and squinted, running a finger over something on the paper.

"There's illustrations."

Killian was up and across the room in a heartbeat, snatching the book from her hands and feeling his eyebrows rise nearly to his hair when he took his own look. There was an illustration of the scene in question that left no ambiguity as to just what type of knob the young man was polishing, although the anatomy was greatly exaggerated. It was nearly as long as the lad's thigh, for one. He recalled the first time he'd seen such a drawing, on a crude pamphlet passed around below deck and sniggered over by leering crewmen when he was just a lad who had barely sprouted whiskers and how scandalized he'd been at the sight of it when it was thrust into his hands with a knowing look by a soot-stained gunner. Scandalized...and titillated, by the smudged image of a woman with her skirts hiked to her waist and her blouse undone.

Emma was gazing up at him, her hands folded loosely in her lap and her cheeks tinged pink even in the yellow glow from the lantern. Killian glanced from the illustration in the innocuous-looking book to her face, meeting his eyes square on with one delicate blonde brow faintly arched. Perhaps princesses and pirates were not so different in some respects and she was also feeling that warmth pooling low in her belly, desire sparked by the unfamiliar words and deeds depicted in pen and ink. Somewhat unfamiliar at least, she was now rather well acquainted with his own "knob" and the thought of just how well acquainted she was with it sent a sharp throb right through his groin.

"He recalled the maid's Bountiful breasts, brown and Bonny and the very Sight of them floating atop the bathwater had nearly caused his Lust to spill right in his breeches as he crouched unseen in his Hidey-Hole behind the wall. Oh, to cup the Bouncing pair of them free of her Shift and Stays, heavy, round and full as a Wineskin, and to then Suckle upon such tender, Womanly flesh would be a Dream."

The rosy flush on her cheeks only grew deeper while he read aloud, her own breasts rising and falling against the lace-trimmed neckline of her gown in a manner that kindled Killian's lust to a burning flame. Firm, yet soft, like a ripe peach, an unimaginable luxury at sea, he could easily unlace her gown and take one in his mouth, or order the copper tub to be filled and watch at his leisure while she bathed, openly though, not hidden away in a cupboard, he was the captain, master of the ship and not a voyeuristic boot black like the lad in the story, polishing himself instead of his lordship's boots. Both were appealing prospects, but he had another idea.

"Shall we read the rest of this rather provocative tale together, Princess? So I might….clarify any other sections that you require?"

He held out his free hand and after a moment's hesitation Emma nodded and accepted it, letting him pull her to her feet. Killian brushed a kiss across the back of her knuckles and gave her a cheeky wink, gentleman and scoundrel in one (and hers, his love was the prize she had taken for her own even as he'd stolen her away) and led her to his chair instead. It was wide enough for him to sit back comfortably and settle Emma on his lap, round arse nestled between his leather-clad thighs and his arm snaking around her waist to pull her back to his chest while he rested his chin on her shoulder and opened the novel back to the page he'd been reading from.

"Now," he said, clearing his throat and forgetting about his maps and charts entirely. "Where were we?"

It wasn't just the one story, the book contained several short tales all of a similar nature. After the lusty young lad spied on the entire household in various states of en déshabillé, (the cook, the laundress, the butler, the cook and the butler, and finally, his master and mistress in their splendid bedchamber) the setting changed to a bucolic farm in the countryside where the farmer's daughter held secret assignations in the hayloft with the village farrier (who wielded his own fleshy tool as deftly as his hammer and heartily plowed the daughter's ripe and eager field, seeding it deep) and then to a story of a dashing masked highwayman who waylaid a highborn lady on a deserted road and found himself drawn to much more than just her fine jewels (imagining a different sort of pearl necklace around her creamy throat) while they traded remarks laden with innuendo and circled around their growing attraction. Killian continued to read aloud, pausing as he went to explain the various euphemisms. Like knob and tool, a lot of them were other words to describe a man's cock, and his strained even more against the confines of his leathers every time Emma shifted in his lap, turning her head so that his beard brushed the curve of her jaw while he spoke low into her ear and murmured words not fit for a lady (quim, tits, swive, member) rolling his tongue around them the way he wanted to roll his tongue around her hidden pearl and feel her writhe from the pleasure he could draw with his own intimate tales writ upon her skin. In the book, the handsome highwayman bowed to his intrigued captive and proclaimed himself to be, "A Linguist most Cunning, should your Ladyship wish for a demonstration of my Prowess, you have only to ask."

"Ah," Killian said, tapping a ringed finger against the page. "Now what you see here is an old play on words, for cunnalingus is term for when a man kisses a woman not on the mouth, but somewhat, ahem, lower down. So when he calls himself a cunning linguist and offers to demonstrate, he is, in fact proposing that he-"

"Kisses her...quim?" Emma finished.

The book fell shut as a shudder ripped through him and he answered in a rough voice, "Aye."

"And is there a word like that for when a woman...kisses...a man on his...cock?"

Killian could think of many words to describe the act she meant, the act he was now picturing much more vividly in his head than any woodcut, but he chose the one that matched as neat as the sun and the moon.

"Fellatio."

Emma made a 'hmm" noise low in her throat that only served to remind him even more of how it felt to be fellated by her, golden hair tangled in his fingers and all eloquence lost to the sheer bliss of her mouth, sliding over his cock and taking him past those pink lips, matching his thrusts with the bob of her head until the sensations completely overwhelmed him, warm and wet and perfect.

"The royal tutors never taught me those words," Emma mused. "This has been very educational indeed, Captain. Shall we continue?"

He left the book on the table when he lifted her up, carrying her the few steps to the bunk with her arms around his neck and her fingers toying with the hair at his nape.

"I think we'll continue with a more practical exercise now, Princess. If you're amenable, that is. After all, there's only so much one can glean from a book. Direct, hands-on experience is always best."

His sure hands made short work of her gown, leaving her in nothing but stockings and shift while she worked the little jet buttons on his waistcoat. It came off and she rested her fingers on his belt, just above the obvious bulge in his trousers. Emma glanced at it and then up at him, curiosity creasing her lovely face. "Do you ever do that? Er, polish your knob, I mean. Like the boy in the book?"

The question made him pause for a moment. He had, in fact, touched himself several times to thoughts of her after taking her hostage from her own ship, though he'd never stooped so low as to spy on her unaware in the brig or during the times when she bathed in his quarters, before he'd bedded her and pledged his ship and his sword into her service. He was still that much of a gentleman, at least. But the query reminded him suddenly of his own youth, when he would have traded what little he had for even a glimpse of a comely lass in nought but her skin and stole away from his duties to darkened corners whenever he could to stick his hand down his trousers and relieve that ache of unsatisfied lust.

"Aye," he said with a nod. "As a young lad, when I had some spare time and could find a bit of privacy, I would. Not the easiest thing to obtain aboard even a galleon, alas. And hardly satisfying, to have to tuck myself away again and quickly return to swabbing the deck or pumping the bilges before I was missed."

He peeled the shirt from his shoulders and let the belt drop to the floor in a heavy thump of leather, not missing the way Emma was eyeing his bare chest and feeling a surge of masculine pride at the way her gaze darkened with desire. He was no lowly cabin boy or underfed deckhand anymore, he had pillaged and plundered his way across the realm and his name was spoken with fear and awe in the dockside taverns and pubs, Captain Killian Jones, master of the Jolly Roger, the finest vessel to sail the seven seas. He didn't have to make do with a bawdy drawing or chase after a serving wench, an actual princess lounged on his bed in an utterly scandalous state of undress and she was more beautiful to him than any jewel, more valuable than any prize. Emma reached for his necklace and pulled him to her by the chain, falling back against the pillows as he braced himself above her on one arm. Her other hand slipped under the waist of his leathers to graze across the wiry hairs until she found her prize, where he was hard and aching and pride quickly gave way to need while his hips jerked and he twitched in her grasp, hot and firm and eager.

"Like this?" Emma asked, tongue poking out from between her teeth as she stroked him up and down. In one pump he swelled that last little bit, fully erect and the fearsome pirate was completely at the princess's tender mercy. Killian rutted shamelessly into her hand, closing the gap between them to cover her lips with his. The book had mainly described the baser acts and there was no ode to the pleasures of kissing on the mouth as there was to the many joys of fellatio and cunnalingus both. But it was somehow more intimate to share breath itself with his lover, to sweetly nip at her bottom lip until it was as red as a ripe cherry and to taste the wine she'd drunk at dinner still lingering on her tongue while he palmed her full breast through the thin silk and rocked his hips steadily into her touch. A quick study his princess was, she'd learned exactly how he liked the be stroked and polished and he was forced to still her movements with a hand on her wrist before he utterly embarrassed himself and spilled too soon.

"Have you ever gratified yourself, my darling?"

While he was more than ready to gratify the both of them with his cock aching to find the welcoming harbour between her thighs, Killian was curious. He'd lived almost his whole life among randy sailors, he knew men did, and do so as often as they could in most cases. But a highborn lady like his princess? He would had assumed no, it was completely absurd, but that was before he met Emma.

She didn't answer immediately, not with words at least, looking down with her lashes demurely touching her cheeks and finally giving a shy little nod that made his belly flip and his voice drop to a throaty growl.

"Show me."

Her stockings were tied with ribbon garters just above her knees, revealed as the shift was slowly hitched up. The little bows did something to him, he wanted to untie them with his teeth and suck a mark into her flesh, leave love bites all over her inner thighs and make her fall apart with his tongue, but he was completely transfixed by the sight of her slim hand, inching higher and higher up her leg. The pink of her cheeks was nothing compared to the dark rose of her cunny, exposed to his avid gaze when she spread her legs fully and already glistening in the lamplight. Her fingers twitched, hesitated, but at his encouraging nod they finally slid through the damp cleft with a touch that was soft and delicate, barely making contact for several torturous, slow passes until Emma finally reached the nub at the top and began to rub and circle it with firmer strokes. Killian felt an answering throb in his groin, a faint echo of the growing pleasure he could see in the catch of her lip between her teeth and the rock of her hips up into her exploring hand.

"Does it feel good, Princess?"

"Yes."

She looked at him with a heavy-lidded gaze while her hand continued to work between her thighs and he couldn't stop himself from wrapping his fingers around his shaft, pumping it in time to the movement and swiping his thumb over the swollen head whenever she touched her own sweet spot and a shudder rippled under her skin.

"Does it feel as good as when I touch you?" he asked, voice hoarse with desire.

Emma shook her head, golden hair spilling over the pillow. "No...it feels, it feels good, but when you touch me, when you're...inside me...it...it feels, it feels like nothing else ever has. I never want you to stop."

"Never," Killian promised, a dark chuckle escaping him. "You're my treasure now, my love, and I'll never stop. I could have you every night and never tire of your velvet quim, so snug and perfect around my cock when you wrap your legs around me and take me all the way to the hilt. I dreamt of it from the day you set foot on my ship, taking you to bed and touching you all over, these perfect breasts, your shapely arse, kissing your mouth and all along your white throat, down to part your thighs and sup to my heart's content on your sweetness."

He moved to kneel on the bed, between her spread legs and ducked down to kiss her, one hand braced to hold his weight and the other snaking down to grasp her wrist. "Don't stop," he warned, while she panted with her impending release and moaned quietly into his mouth. Killian placed his hand on top of her own and together they continued to stroke her towards the peak, when he sensed she was just about to fall over the edge as her free hand grasped his shoulder and her nails dug into his skin he abruptly thrust two fingers inside, curling them upwards and feeling her squeeze around them with a soft cry falling from her kiss-swollen lips. No buxom bathing beauty, nubile farmer's daughter or haughty duchess could compare to his swan princess, bright-eyed and pliant in his arms. They kissed with unhurried languor, his erection had not abated but the night was still young, there was no need for haste. It was worth it to delay his satisfaction to watch hers, as the lad in the book had watched the maid in her bath. Emma's nails trailed pleasantly through his chest hair and toyed with the charms on his necklace, thumbing over the skull and dagger.

"Does it feel as good as when I touch you?"

Her hand drifted down and brushed his flat stomach, the muscles quivering under the contact.

"Definitely not," Killian breathed, head tipping back a bit and his eyes closing. She drew nonsense patterns with her nails, moving lower down, a gentle caress that was so unlike whenever he felt the need to gratify himself and took his cock in hand. Her hand was much smaller, lacked the calluses formed from years of raising sails and playing out rope, and yet it had had him completely at her mercy from the moment he had first lifted it to his lips and brushed a kiss across the back of her knuckles.

"I wouldn't describe it as a knob, though," she said, sounding somewhat displeased by the term.

A ripple of mirth ran through him at that. "No?"

"Knob implies something rather squat, like a doorknob. Perhaps some men are shaped in such a manner, but you are most certainly not."

Killian had lived almost his whole life in the close quarters of ships populated almost entirely by men. Privacy was a luxury he'd not known until he became an officer, he'd seen plenty of sailors stripped down to the skin and more male appendages than he could count. Princess Emma had no such basis for comparison, and wouldn't, if he had any say in the matter.

"Is there another word you would prefer then?" he asked, propping a hand under his head and angling his hips back so that his groin was on full display for her. "Since 'knob' obviously displeases you, and we can't have that. Member? Tool?"

She shook her head with each one, thoughtfully eyeing the part of his anatomy in question. Never had a woman taken such time to peruse him so closely before the bedding, measuring him with thumb and index finger, examining his length and girth.

"Larger than I expected," she murmured, which made him smile (and feel more than a little satisfied to have exceeded her expectations thus). "I didn't see at first how it could possibly fit...and so warm to the touch. Not cold and blunt as a tool."

So he wasn't the village farrier come to plow the farmer's daughter. Just as well, straw itched something fierce. Emma traced along the shape of him with the pads of her fingers, still engrossed in her task. Killian didn't care how she decided to refer to his cock, she could call it his pecker, his phallus, his mast, anything she wanted so long as she kept doing that.

"But a fair amount of heft, when I handle it like this."

The "handling" made his eyes roll back and he thrust helplessly into her grip. "You can handle it whenever you please," he moaned, rolling them in the bunk so that he was on top. "Whatever you wish to call it, Princess."

Killian spread her thighs open with his knee and rested between them, feeling her hand guide him across that last bit of distance. He slid in with almost no resistance, just the voluptuous sensation of being wrapped in silken heat, a balls deep dive into waters uncharted to all but him. There was no word for this moment, no way to describe the feeling that seized him from head to toe as he started to move. All eloquence fled, there was only the slide of his body inside hers, the slick push and pull of the quickfire rhythm that matched the beat of his heart under where her palms lay braced on his bare chest, not to push him away, never that, but to welcome him home and home again. Whoever he was, Killian Jones, sailor, pirate, captain, he was hers, nameless in her arms, her lover, joined as they were in the most intimate of ways. The light from the lantern was am amber spill over their entwined limbs, turning her skin to honey that he tasted with his tongue, chasing her pulse as it fluttered in the hollow of her throat, rolling a pert nipple between his fingers when she arched up against him. The lines and edges were blurred in a haze of passion that left him unable to tell where he ended and she began. His downward strokes were matched by the upward tilt of her hips, a delicious drag of his rigid flesh along her inner walls that started to increase in pace as he felt the familiar tingle of impending release. Killian kissed a line down her throat and buried his face in her neck while Emma clutched at his arse, pulling him even closer with her thighs tightening around his hips. All the ways there was to describe the act that he'd ever heard from sniggering sailors, crude boasts of bedding, swiving, rogering, coupling, and the only one that came to mind now as he spilled with a groan and groped for her hand, lacing their fingers tight against the mattress, was lovemaking.

"Do you think they had a happy ending?"

The question pulled him from the lazy afterglow where they lay on the rumpled and well-used bed with Emma's head pillowed on his shoulder, still fully nude save for the single stocking that had somehow managed to cling to her leg throughout their exertions. The other was draped half on and half off the bunk while her shift lay in a tangled heap on the floor with his discarded trousers and he had no idea what she was talking about.

"Who, love?"

"The highwayman and the lady in the book. It was my favourite of all the tales and we didn't finish it. Do you think they had a happy ending?"

Killian stared up at the ceiling and felt his chest rise with a breath as he considered how to answer. He was certain that there had been a happy ending in the story of the dashing highwayman and the spirited noblewoman he waylaid on a deserted road, but not the kind that Emma probably meant….

"Do you think they did?" he asked carefully, tilting his head to look at her. He realized suddenly that perhaps there was some...similarities, in their situations, having waylaid his own noblewoman on the high seas and stolen her jewels, even though he had given them back (eventually). But the book Emma had found on his shelf was meant for titillation, fodder for a wank, a bawdy laugh and nothing more, and he very much doubted that there was any real happily ever after to be found in its salacious tales.

Her bare shoulder lifted in a shrug. "I don't know. We could read it tomorrow, and see for certain."

He could hear the note of hesitation in her voice and he tightened the arm he had wrapped around her while her hand spread flat on his chest, over his heart, the sea diamond resting on her finger. Gave her back her jewels and then some.

"They did," he said firmly, running his fingers over hers. "They ran off together and had all sorts of grand adventures, and they had a very happy ending."

Emma let out a pleased murmur, nose pressed to his neck. "Even though he threatened to pierce her with his dirk?" she mumbled.

"Darling, sure you know that was simply another witticism and that he wasn't actually referring to a knife."

Her hand drifted lower, resting just above where he was spent and soft against his belly. "Another word for this, then? Is that what I should call it? Your dirk? Or perhaps something a bit more...lengthy."

Killian felt his cock begin to stir as her voice turned sultry, the siren song of such words on her lips luring him in again.

"A dagger?" he offered.

"Mmm, too pointy. Not a rapier style of blade, more like a….cutlass, or your sabre. It's even curved just a tiny bit too."

Her lips curved in a smile that made his heart skip a beat even as he thought ruefully that their next sparring session was sure to result in some dreadfully tight leathers.

"More than the barest prick, I imagine."

The noblewoman of the tale had retorted to the highwayman's "threat" with a disdainful comment that she was sure to feel only the barest prick from his dirk. Killian laughed, taking Emma's hand and guiding it back down, down, down...

"Oh I think you're well aware, Princess, that when I jab you with my sword, you'll feel it."

#cs fic #cs ff #my fic #cscocktoberfest #cs smut

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fluffy-marshmallow-heart · 6 years

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TRR New Beginnings ch.21 - The Best Things in Life

Emma is home with Drake recovering. How is her healing going, and do they have more surprises in store for them?

Drake x MC (Emma)

Words: 1836

Warnings: None

Several weeks had gone by, and Emma was slowly starting to feel like herself again. Just like they had when she first arrived, her bruises were fading. Her arm was feeling better, and the cuts on her legs had turned into pink lines. Drake had been true to his word, attending to her every need.

“Hey beautiful.” He said, as he strolled into their bedroom, coffee in hand.

She smiled as she accepted her coffee. “Not quite, but I’m getting there.”

“Is that so?” He questioned, stepping into her space. “Personally, Rose…you couldn’t not look beautiful if you tried.” He leaned down and brushed his lips against hers.

She chuckled as she pulled away “There’s my marshmallow. Honestly, Drake, you can be such a romantic. I love it.” She grinned at him and started to raise the cup of coffee to her lips. He knew just how she liked it. No sugar, but instead creamer and whipped cream topping. It was guilty little pleasure. As soon as the liquid touched her tongue, her smile was gone, and she was dropping the mug and running to the bathroom, leaving a very confused Drake behind her.

“Rose, are you okay??” He asked, dashing after her, once he heard her throwing up. He sat beside her and held her hair back with one hand and rubbed slow circles on her back with the other. “Was it the cream? Did it taste bad? It’s not expired, but maybe I should throw it out and get more.”

She moaned and reached up to flush the toilet, grabbing some toilet paper to wipe her mouth with. “No, no…I don’t know, it didn’t taste bad, it just tasted…I don’t know. Different. I’m sure it was nothing. Maybe I just need to eat first.”

Drake frowned. She’d never needed food before coffee. In fact, it was basically the opposite. “Okay…what are you in the mood for? I can whip up some eggs, sausage, pancakes…” He trailed off as she leaned over the toilet again. He grimaced. “Maybe it’s a stomach bug.”

She nodded as she finished. “Yeah, maybe. I think maybe I should take it easy today. Just the thought of food….” She made a face and stood up, moving to the sink to brush her teeth. When she was done, Drake led her back into their bedroom and tucked her in before climbing in himself.

“Mmm you don’t have to stay, Drake.” She said sleepily as she snuggled into his side.

“Like I would ever leave.” He told her with a smile.

“No, seriously, I don’t want you to get sick. You should go fishing or something.”

He chuckled and pulled her even closer to him. “I’ll take my chances.”

Several days later, Emma was still getting sick every time she smelled something. And all she could tell Drake was that everything smelled and tasted “off.”

“I’m going to go to the store, Rose. It will take me awhile, but you need something to make you feel better, and I’ll replace all the perishable food with completely fresh. I know I said I’d never leave you but…” He trailed off and searched her face for her reaction.

“Okay.” She whispered. “I’m just going to stay in bed, I think. Just lock the door and everything will be fine. I’m not afraid anymore, and if someone breaks in, I’ll vomit on them and they’ll change their mind about being here pretty quick.”

He nodded and kissed her softly on her forehead. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

Hours later, he returned home and as he approached the cabin, bags in hand, he had a flashback of the night he came home to find her gone. His heart beat faster and faster the closer he got to the door. Thankfully, it was still locked. He set everything down in the kitchen, fixed her a quick snack of bell peppers and dressing, grabbed the little white box he’d picked up, and ran up the stairs to the bedroom. And there she was, reading a book.

“Hey.” He said softly.

“Hey” She grinned. Her eyes lit up as she saw her snack. “Peppers!”

“You look better” He told her, sitting next to her and handing her the plate.

She nodded “I am. I think it’s out of my system.”

“Just like that? Just from a few hours ago?”

She cocked her head to the side. “I guess so? I don’t feel sick anymore. That’s a good thing.” She took a bite of the crisp pepper and closed her eyes, sighing in happiness. “God, this is good.”

He nodded, watching her. “I’m glad. I picked up a lot of fresh fruits and veggies to give you some natural energy, since you couldn’t drink your coffee. Plus, it’s good for the immune system.”

“Thank you. You’re very sweet.”

“So…Rose.” He started hesitantly. He had a feeling she wasn’t going to be happy with the next thing he brought with him.

“Yes?”

“Well…this is extremely late…like, way too late for this discussion, and I definitely mean WAY too late, Weeks and weeks and weeks, and countless times too late…but I think now is the time we should probably discuss it.”

She rose an eyebrow at him as she ate another piece of pepper.

He took a deep breath “We never talked about…well…birth control.”

Her eyes widened, and she stopped chewing, swallowing it too hard, and burst into a fit of coughing. “Birth control?” She managed to squeak out.

Drake clapped her back softly to help her stop coughing. When she finally did, he pulled back to look at her and ran his hands through her hair. “Listen to me, Rose. Listen to my question and then tell me what you want me to say.”

She looked at him and he saw her eyes watering. “Alright”

“I can either tell you the truth or I can tell you something that you hope to hear. Which would you prefer?”

“The truth isn’t what I’m hoping for?” She asked in a whisper

“I don’t know.”

She swallowed and took a breath. “Give me the cold, hard truth.”

He smiled softly at her. “It’s not cold or hard. But here is the truth. Yes, we were reckless maybe the first or second time. But after that? When we realized we were completely unprotected, and continued…is that really still recklessness? Or is that something else?”

Her brows furrowed “I don’t know what you mean.”

Drake gazed into her worried eyes. “What I mean, Rose, is that there’s a chance that your throwing up is related to…well…not sickness” He worded carefully.

“But…” she tried to cut in. He shook his head and kept going

He took her hands with his. “Rose, I have never felt more alive than I do now. And whatever happens, happens. I don’t know if you actually want to hear this, but you asked for the truth, so the truth is…if you were pregnant…that would be the second-best thing that has ever happened to me.”

She looked at him in shock. “You…want that…?”

“Of course, I do. For the whole past year, I already thought I was a Dad. I felt horrible for missing your pregnancy.” He splayed a hand over her stomach. “It would be amazing to share that with you.”

“Jesus, Drake. What the hell am I supposed to say to that?”

“How are you feeling, really?” He asked her.

“Well with that lead in…probably not as nervous as I should.” She gazed into his eyes. “Logically, I should be feeling panicked, worried, confused, anxious. But I don’t feel any of those things. I feel…surprisingly calm.”

He leaned into her, brushing his lips against hers. He started to pull away and she reached her hand around his neck and pulled him back in, deepening the kiss. He brought his hands around her waist and the box he was still holding dug into her back. She pulled away abruptly

“What is…” She froze when she grabbed the box and looked at it. “A pregnancy test? Drake, you don’t actually think…”

“I do.” He said nervously, trying to gauge her reaction. “The timing, the nausea coming and going, things smelling and tasting different to you and only you.”

She just stared at him, so he continued “After you left, and Maxwell told me you were pregnant…I read so many things on it. Anything I could get my hands on about pregnancy and childbirth I read and studied so that when you came back I’d be prepared to step right in.”

Emma’s eyes welled up with tears, and they started to spill over. “You did that?” She asked incredulously.

“Heh. Yeah.” He ran a hand through his hair, feeling nervous again.

“God, you really are a marshmallow” She laughed wearily. “But Drake…they did bloodwork at the hospital…it didn’t show up.”

He gave a half smile. “That was weeks ago. You’re just now showing any type of symptoms…which means you’re maybe a month along? So…if you had just conceived…”

“It wouldn’t have tested positive yet.” She finished. She was looking off into space. “I missed my period” She confessed

“You did?? Why didn’t you tell me?”

She shrugged. “I figured it was stress from you, from Randy, from the accident. Stress is a killer, you know.”

“Seriously, this never crossed your mind?”

“Well, I mean yeah, but…ugh, I don’t know. Denial is a powerful thing, Drake. I didn’t want to be pregnant.”

Drake closed his eyes, slightly hurt that she didn’t tell him anything that was going on with her. He felt her hand on his leg and opened his eyes again.

“I’m sorry.” She said. “I wasn’t ready. I still don’t know if I am. The last time I was pregnant…I was alone, hating myself, hating you, hating the baby. And the worst part this time is I knew we were being careless…and I didn’t care that we were. I just wanted you inside me, all of you. That’s all I cared about.”

“Then let’s find out.” He said. “There’s no need to guess at this point. You’re holding a test in your hand and there’s two more downstairs…you know, just in case.” He finished quickly.

She nodded and headed to the bathroom. A minute later she came back out. “Takes two minutes.”

They sat in silence, Drake just holding her, before she spoke again. “What do you hope to find out?”

He looked down at her and turned her chin to face him. “I already told you, Rose. Your being pregnant would be the second-best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Just then the timer on her phone that they had set went off. “It’s time” She breathed. She stood up and started towards the bathroom again, Drake close behind her, holding her hand. But suddenly she stopped and whirled to face him again.

“What was the first best thing then? If a child would be second, what’s first?”

He grinned at her. “The first is you, of course.”

@blackwidow2721 @sleepwalkingelite @flowerpowell @agent-bossypants @annekebbphotography @carabeth @gardeningourmet@eileendannie @dancetothestoriesinyoursoul @alesana45 @imaketerriblechoices @zigortega4life

@innerpostmentality @mrsernestsinclaire @nekkidmolerat @wannabemc2 @blubutterflyy @sweetest-marbear @choicesmacmakes @andy-loves-corgis @sstee1 @furiousherringoperatortoad @traeumerinwitzhelden @speedyoperarascalparty

@notoriouscs

#the royal romance fanfic #the royal romance #trr fanfic #drake walker fanfic #drake walker #drake x mc #drake x emma #trr #trr drake #choices the royal romance #choices fanfic

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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 6 years

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Michael After Midnight: Movie 43

I want you all to know I sat at my computer for many minutes trying desperately and ultimately failing to find some way to talk about anthology or sketch comedy films. I kept trying to come up with some comparisons to how well the horror genre handles these kinds of films (for the most part anyway). And I was totally going to come up with some brilliant, cutting lead in to talking about the black hole of talent known as Movie 43.

Sorry to disappoint you all. It’s a sentiment I share with just about every single actor in this film.

Movie 43 is a sketch comedy film, though honestly the “comedy” part should be in quotations because it takes a mind heavily impaired by illicit substances to find humor in this film. And look, I’m no comedic prude; I get a laugh out of stuff like Freddy Got Fingered, I’m not so snooty I’m above Scary Movie or getting a chuckle out of Step Brothers, I’m not only in to high concept British comedies or anything. But this, this really is bad on a level that even The ABCs of Death wasn’t, because as disgusting, vomit-inducingly bad as that film was, at least it was full of no-name actors with nothing to lose and no dignity to begin with seeing as they were in The ABCs of Death. This movie is not only stuffed to the brim with famous actors and actresses, most of them were roped into appearing in this out of strict contractual obligation rather than any real desire to be in the film. A lot of actors just got sucked in and guilted, only a small handful of them even showed up to the premier, and only Stephen Marchant has anything nice to say about being in the movie. Everyone else has at least enough dignity to be ashamed of their involvement.

I guess there’s no sense in prolonging this: let’s take a look at one of the most abysmal comedies of the modern age:

The Pitch: This is the framing device that is used for the US cut of the film, and thus the framing device I saw, in which a disgraced movie director played by Randy Quaid pitches his numerous shitty ideas to a producer, with said shitty ideas being all the sketches in this film. So basically, what you’re watching is what I can only assume was the actual pitch for this movie, and thus it sucks. There is nothing entertaining about this framing device; it really says something when the international version’s framing device, where kids look for a banned movie on the internet, sounds a lot better as a framing device.

The Catch: So apparently this was the first sketch filed, and it was used to sucker other celebs into joining the film. And I mean, it has Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet, and who wouldn’t want to be in a movie with those two? Well, when Hugh Jackman has testicles dangling from his neck, I sure wouldn’t. This isn’t really the worst sketch because of its content, but it is awful because it just hurts so much to see something so embarrassing. You feel so bad for Jackman for having those fake testicles on his neck, and you feel bad for Kate Winslet for having to act through this with Jackman. It honestly makes me depressed just thinking about it.

Homeschooled: This is probably one of the few sketches in the film that actually approaches being amusing. In it, parents played by Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber talk to another couple about how they homeschooled their kid, and how they made his homeschooling feel like authentic high school, complete with the parents bullying, hazing, and just making their poor son’s life into a living hell. All these jokes are pretty standard and basic, and of course they gotta throw in some incest jokes too and top everything off with some Oedipal imagery, but it could have been worse. Really, when it comes to this film, “could have been worse” is the best you can ask for.

The Proposition: Have you ever wanted to see Chris Pratt’s ex-wife ask him to take a shit on her? No? Well congratulations, fucker! You’re a normal, functioning human being, and not either of the writers for this shitty segment. This segment ends with Chris Pratt being hit by a car, exploding in a massive shit tsunami, and then his girlfriend finally accepts his proposal. What a load.

Veronica: Out of the entire movie, this might be the most inoffensive clip of the bunch; it’s not funny or anything, but it’s at least not as tacky and offensive as the others. I guess it helps that Emma Stone and Kieran Culkin are just really hamming it up for this one, as if they know they’re in a terrible bastardization of an indie movie scene and just want to make the whole thing look as dumb as possible. It’s not a good sketch, but it’s almost okay.

iBabe: So there’s this new life-sized nude replica of a woman you can use as an MP3 player. The fan was place din a certain spot that’s causing problems. Can you guess the spot, and the problem? If you’re the age of twelve or older, you sure can, and if you can, there’s really no reason to watch this pointless sketch.

Superhero Speed Dating: Batman is a dick to Robin. Tee hee. What a funny fucking joke. Next.

Machine Ki- Ok you know what? Fuck it. I am talking about the fucking speed dating segment, because it is just such an obnoxious, unfunny joke. Batman is just rude, condescending, and worst of all a total cockblock who doesn’t respect his partner, which is the sort of thing you see a lot in parodies of Batman mythos. And it’s just so… totally opposite of what Batman is, it doesn’t really subvert his relationship with Robin in a funny way either, it’s just “Haha what if Batman was a dick to his student?” And it’s just not funny. It’s lame, it’s lazy, and it’s a sign of someone with an extremely shallow knowledge of Batman.

Anyway…

Machine Kids: So it was kind of supposed to just be a joke, interrupting this segment to rant about the last one, but there is honestly just nothing I can say about this one. It’s a sketch that exists, I guess? It’s not particularly funny, it’s just something that’s real.

Middleschool Date: You know what’s really funny? Girls getting their periods. That’s the entire joke of this segment. If you don’t think girls getting their periods and teens freaking out over not understanding basic life facts is funny, this won’t amuse you. It also has a rather nonsensical ending, which certainly doesn’t help it out much.

Happy Birthday: This is it. This is the sketch that most closely approaches the realm of being funny. It’s about a guy catching a leprechaun for his buddy’s birthday, but the leprechaun is an obscene, nasty little bastard. It’s funny seeing Gerard Butler play a leprechaun, the joke is okay, the sketch doesn’t really overstay its welcome, and it has a juvenile but kinda amusing punchline. Maybe it’s just because everything else in the movie is so bad, but this one just isn’t really one I can muster a lot of hate for.

Truth or Dare: Halle Berry and Stephen Marchant go on a date and begin playing, well, truth or dare, and soon enough things go from risque to downright insane. If you’ve ever wanted to see Halle Berry make guacamole with a prosthetic boob, well, here you are. I feel it’s not worth it considering how nasty and disturbing the end is, but Marchant sure is unashamedly proud of being in a sketch with Halle Berry.

Victory’s Glory: This one is just boring and filled with bland stereotyping. It’s one you’ll forget exists as soon as it’s over.

Beezle: In the midst of the credits, we see how far James Gunn has come as a creator when we are subjected to this edgy piece of garbage he created. It’s about a girl who thinks her boyfriend’s animated cat is trying to sabotage her relationship, which he is. It has sodomy, brutal murder, bestiality, all that charming stuff from the man who brought us Guardians of the Galaxy. I guess this really is good as a showcase of how far he has come as a writer and director, because this ain’t Guardians, it ain’t Slither, and most importantly it ain’t good.

So… yeah. As you can see, there’s really nothing of value to be found here. Like yes, there’s an okay sketch in the middle of all this, but there were some passable ones in The ABCs of Death, and that movie was still shit. I’m sure you’re expecting some witty summation of this movie and its flaws, maybe a reiteration of how depressing it is to see so much talent wasted for unfunny jokes, maybe some sort of comedic take on all this garbage.

Well, that’s not happening. Even thinking about this stupid movie for this long has sapped my strength. I’m going to lie down. Fuck this movie.

#Michael After Midnight #Review #Movie review #Movie 43 #comedy #sketch comedy

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mostfunnystuff247-blog · 6 years

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Actors Who’ve Disappeared From The Spotlight

Celebrities & Pop Culture Some of these stars haven't been seen on the big screen in years. Anna Weaver 2018-09-05

Getty Images | Scott Halleran Celebrities who’ve reached household name status are often expected to stay that way. While it can be hard to imagine big-name stars slipping out of the spotlight, it happens. For some, it’s an intentional choice to step away from acting. Others simply are just waiting for a role that really gets them jazzed. Check out all the Hollywood stars we haven’t seen onscreen in years.

Michael Schoeffling

Could any teenage heartthrob ever hold a candle to Jake Ryan from “Sixteen Candles”? As loyal Jake Ryan fans may know, the actor who played him, Michael Schoeffling, has left Hollywood behind. After memorable roles in “Mermaids” and “Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken,” he disappeared. Schoeffling now apparently lives in Pennsylvania and has a carpentry business. He and his wife have two grown children, including a model daughter.

Universal Pictures

Stacey Dash

Stacey Dash made a name for herself in “Clueless” as Cher’s best friend. But her acting career has fizzled since then. Nowadays, Dash is known more for being a conservative political activist. She’s appeared as a FOX News commentator and recently ran for a congressional seat before deciding to pull out from the race.

Getty Images | Kevin Winter

Phoebe Cates

Best known for her roles in “Gremlins” and “Fast Times at Ridgemont High,” Phoebe Cates left acting years ago. She’s married to actor Kevin Kline, with whom she has two children. Cates did appear in the 2001 movie “The Anniversary Party,” but only as a favor to friend Jennifer Jason Leigh.

Getty Images | Frazer Harrison

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Catherine Zeta-Jones has kept a lower profile in recent years. Up until recently, the Oscar winner’s last big project was 2012’s “Rock of Ages.” She’s been open about her bipolar disorder diagnosis and also dealt with husband Michael Douglas’ cancer battle. But Zeta-Jones came back to larger acting roles with last year’s “Feud” and is currently working on a TV show called “Queen America.”

Photo by Earl Gibson III/Getty Images

Sarah Michelle Gellar

The “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Cruel Intentions” actress has left acting on the back burner. Instead, she’s been focusing on her new company, Foodstirs, which makes sustainable, fair trade and organic baking products. She has two kids with husband and fellow actor Freddie Prinze Jr.

Getty Images | Emma McIntyre

Freddie Prinze Jr.

After playing a teen heartthrob in “She’s All That” and other films, starring in the live-action movie remake of “Scooby-Doo” and leading his self-titled one-season show “Freddie,” Freddie Prinze Jr. left much of acting behind. He prefers to be a stay-at-home dad with side jobs like being the voice of a “Star Wars Rebels” character. He has also written a cookbook, “Back to the Kitchen,” and continues to have a strong marriage with Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Getty Images | Nicholas Hunt

Matthew Fox

“Party of Five” and “Lost” made Matthew Fox famous, but he hasn’t made a movie since 2015 and has gone on the record saying he doesn’t love acting. Fox had a couple run-ins with the law several years ago, and he popped up in the news recently when his Bend, Oregon, house went on the market. Below, Fox and his wife Margherita Ronchi and their son, Byron, take in a tennis match in Rome, Italy, in May 2018.

Getty Images | Dean Mouhtaropoulos

Calista Flockhart

Calista Flockhart found a starring role in late ’90s/early ’00s classic “Ally McBeal” and then jumped quickly from that into the family drama “Brothers and Sisters.” But after the latter went off the air, Flockhart took a more low-key acting path. She had a prime role as Cat Grant on “Supergirl” until the show switched filming locations from Los Angeles to Vancouver and she became an occasional guest star. Perhaps she’s just more content spending time with her son, Liam, and husband, Harrison Ford.

Getty Images | Matt Winkelmeyer

Jack Nicholson

Iconic actor Jack Nicholson hasn’t been seen in anything since 2010’s “How Do You Know.” A U.S. remake of “Toni Erdmann” was supposed to bring Nicholson back to the big screen, but he backed out of the project. His friend Peter Fonda says Nicholson is basically retired.

Getty Images | Kevork Djansezian

Cameron Diaz

Remember the days of “There’s Something About Mary,” “Shrek,” “Charlie’s Angels” and the many other films that made Cameron Diaz famous? Where’d she go? Apparently, the last movie the actress appeared in was “Annie” in 2014. Turns out she’s retired from acting and is just enjoying life with husband Benji Madden. Though Diaz did say in a recent interview that she’d be open to a sequel to “The Sweetest Thing.”

Getty Images | Stuart C. Wilson

Amanda Bynes

The former teen comedian had a very public breakdown several years ago. After receiving treatment, she’s kept a low-profile life. She hasn’t acted on screen since 2010, instead choosing to go to fashion school. Though she did say in a 2017 interview that she’d like to get back into television acting.

Getty Images | Jason Merritt

Dominic Monaghan

The “Lord of the Rings” and “Lost” actor Dominic Monaghan hasn’t had a big role since “Lost” went off the air in 2010. He’s slated to appear in the Australian television drama “Bite Club” and he just scored a part in the currently filming “Star Wars: IX,” though what his role will be remains to be seen.

Getty Images | Jonathan Leibson

Bridget Fonda

Peter Fonda’s daughter (and Jane’s niece) Bridget made a name for herself in movies like “It Could Happen To You” and “Single White Female.” Fonda hasn’t had a screen credit since 2002, but she’s no doubt been busy raising her son, Oliver, whom she shares with music composer husband Danny Elfman.

Getty Images | Frazer Harrison

Chuck Norris

The last big roles the martial artist and actor best known for “Walker, Texas Ranger” did were in 2005. In recent years, he’s been supporting his wife through health issues. Even though Norris himself is in semi-retirement, his tough-guy legend lives on through things like the popular Chuck Norris Facts meme.

Getty Images | Jerry Markland

Dennis Franz

“Hill Street Blues” and “NYPD Blue” actor Dennis Franz hasn’t acted since the latter went off the air in 2005. Apparently, it was a hard act to follow. Now, Franz is just enjoying retirement. He did present an Emmy award with co-star Jimmy Smits at the 2016 awards ceremony.

Getty Images | Kevin Winter

Doris Day

Iconic ’50s and ’60s actress and singer Doris Day has been in too many great films to list them all. But the actress hasn’t appeared on screen since her sitcom “The Doris Day Show” went off the air in 1973. Instead, the now-96-year-old is known as an animal welfare activist with her own foundation, and lives in Carmel-by-the-Sea, California.

Wikimedia Commons | Paramount

Gene Hackman

Prolific actor Gene Hackman isn’t planning to come back to acting, having been retired for a number of years now. His last role was in “Welcome to Mooseport” in 2004. He and his second wife live in Santa Fe, New Mexico, where he enjoys bicycling and writes books.

Getty Images | Vince Bucci

Rick Moranis

“Little Shop of Horrors,” “Ghostbusters,” “Spaceballs” and “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” actor Rick Moranis seemed to be all over the place in the ’80s and early ’90s. Then his wife passed away and Moranis stepped out of the spotlight to raise his kids. He’s done mostly small parts, voiceover work and country comedy albums (believe it or not) in the years since. He recently came out of retirement to reprise the voice of Dark Helmet from “Spaceballs” in an episode of “The Goldbergs.”

Getty Images | Theo Wargo

Randy Quaid

Randy Quaid might be best known for “Independence Day” and the “National Lampoon” movies, plus some erratic behavior in the last decade-plus. But the Oscar-nominated actor is due to return in the movie “Weight” this year after a nine-year absence from the screen.

Getty Images | Scott Halleran

Mary-Kate And Ashley Olsen

The Olsen twins have put acting behind them. Mary-Kate and Ashley declined to join the “Fuller House” reunion with their old “Full House” costars and don’t like to be in front of the camera much anymore either. The twins run clothing lines The Row and Elizabeth and James together. Mary-Kate is also married to French financier Olivier Sarkozy while Ashley is unattached.

Getty Images | Theo Wargo

Emilio Estevez

Emilio Estevez, son of Martin Sheen and brother of Charlie Sheen, has taken a quieter career path since his “Mighty Ducks” and “Breakfast Club” days. He’s focused more on writing and directing, such as in the 2010 film “The Way,” which he collaborated on with his father.

Getty Images | Matt Winkelmeyer

Ali MacGraw

“Love Story” actress Ali MacGraw has been off the screen since 1997. She toured with “Love Story” co-star Ryan O’Neal doing the play “Love Letters” in 2015. But nowadays, she lives in New Mexico, does yoga, is involved in animal welfare causes and designs clothes.

Getty Images | Aaron Davidson

Sean Connery

Even legendary actors with prolific careers want to retire at some point. Or so it is with Sean Connery, whose last onscreen credit was 2002’s “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.” Connery is living a quiet retirement in the Bahamas with occasional public sightings, like at the U.S. Open.

Getty Images | Clive Brunskill

Mara Wilson

Mara Wilson was a well-known child actor back in the early ’90s. “Mrs. Doubtfire,” “Miracle on 34th Street” and “Matilda” made her famous. But a few years after her mother passed away, Wilson decided she was largely done with acting. She’s had a few bit parts primarily as a voice actor in more recent years, but Wilson is now focusing on a career in writing, and recently published a memoir.

Getty Images | Jason Kempin

Jack Gleeson

The “Game of Thrones” king hasn’t acted since he was killed off of the HBO miniseries. Instead, he did his university studies at Trinity College and has made a lot of fan convention appearances, too. He’s also gone on humanitarian missions.

Getty Images | Jamie McCarthy Originally published on The Delite. We were not paid to write this story. The products and services mentioned below were selected independent of sales and advertising. However, Simplemost may receive a small commission from the purchase of any products or services through an affiliate link to the retailer's website. Previous post This Nurse Discovered Her Colleague Was A Premature Baby She Cared For 28 Years Ago Next post This is the most recent story. Read the full article

#Celebrities&PopCulture #Entertainment

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tomeandflickcorner · 7 years

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For the Fandom alphabet: D, K, S, V, X

D-A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t.

I’ve actually got three:

-Rumbelle. Maybe if the writing for them had been handled differently, I would like it more. Especially since Beauty and the Beast is my favorite fairy tale story, and remains one of my favorite Disney films. But the way the show presented this ‘version’ of the classic tale made it impossible for me to view it as anything but a classic example of domestic abuse, and a story about Stockholm Syndrome. Again, maybe if Rumpelstiltskin wasn’t constantly written to be such an irredeemable megalomaniac, I would have appreciated the pairing more. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

-Jareth/Sarah from Labyrinth- I wish I liked this pairing, considering it’s obviously popular among the fandom. But I just can’t bring myself to like it. Not only was Jareth a major jerk throughout the movie with little to no redeeming qualities that I could see, Sarah was a 15-year-old girl. The fact that Jareth was supposedly supposed to be in love with her was something I found rather creepy and ephebophilic.

-Elena/Damon from Vampire Diaries. Even though I gave up on the show, I know through the posts of people I follow in Tumblr that they were endgame. But I have no idea why the show writers decided to go that way, or why the pairing had such a following. Personally, I thought Elena was a stupid, whiny, judgmental, holier-than-thou brat, and Damon deserved better. But again, I gave up on the show after the first few seasons. So maybe Elena’s characterization improved.

K-What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

Is this even debatable? Killian Jones, without question. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a more multifaceted character before him. Every time we learned something new about him, it just reinforced the stuff I’d already believed to be true about him, which just made him that much more likable. Plus, his shift from anti-hero to full-fledged hero was so natural that you barely noticed the transition, unless you go back and look at clips from S2 again.

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon

Hmm. A headcanon, huh? Well….there’s one I had for Godzilla: The Series. There was one episode when the team were searching for a plane that crashed in the desert, and Randy passed out after getting stung by a scorpion. While he was out of it, he had a prophetic dream that ultimately helped the protagonists find out that a nearby army base was conducting a secret experiment involving mutant scorpions being used as weapons of war. While the episode seemingly wrote off Randy’s vision as nothing more than a fever dream, there were just too many coincidences for me to buy that, such as Randy dreaming of the General’s eagle badge before he even saw it in person. After that episode, I had a headcanon that Randy was actually psychic and didn’t even know it. But I don’t know if the show had plans to build on Randy’s prophetic dream in future episodes, as the series ultimately ended up being a casualty in the ongoing Pokemon vs. Digimon battle that was going on between Kids WB and Fox Kids at the time.

V - Which character do you relate to most?

Hard to say. There are actually many characters I’ve encountered when I found myself saying ‘yep, that’s me.’ For instance, I relate to Emma Swan in the sense that I often spread myself too thin, trying to make everyone else happy, often at the cost of my own peace of mind. I also relate to Applejack from MLP, as we both have a bit of a stubborn streak. (Just watch the S1 episode, Applebuck Season. Applejack’s stubborn refusal to accept help just stuck so close to home.) And I also find myself relating to Peridot from Steven Universe at times. Peridot is that character who was indoctrinated into a certain way of thinking, but slowly begins to question that as she spends more time with the show’s protagonists. On a personal note, I find myself relating to that at times.

X - A trope which you are almost certain to love in any fandom.

It’s a tie. I love the whole trope when a person and their love interest spend a while circling around each other, even though it’s clear they’re slowly coming closer. At the same time, I adore the trope when two characters share an almost psychic connection, with one of them being able to sense the presence of the other. And I’m not just talking about romantic couples. This also holds true when it’s a pair of siblings or close friends, or even a human and their animal companion, when the animal just knows when their human friend is in danger and shows up to save them in the nick of time.

Alphabet asks

#anti rumbelle #anti Rumpelstiltskin #anti jareth/sarah #anti elena/damon #anti elena gilbert

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olplecat-blog · 7 years

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Name: Emma Age: 12 (in picture) Siblings?: she was supposed to have one when she was in a plain crash. Bio: the daughter of Tom and Hannah. she is part mermaid from Hannah's side. And she has very strong magic and if she snaps then she is not fun to deal with. She can be very random and has a best friend names alice (who is a raccoon). Her human best friends are Killian, Cindy,Meredith,randy, Diana and Selena.

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smartgirlsaremean · 7 years

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Expanded universe ask game for fanfic writers!: Avonlea Books + 5?

OOPS MY HAND SLIPPED

Previously on Avonlea Books, Belle and Gold attended a launch party for her first children’s book. They were engaged to be married.

TEN YEARS LATER

Warmth and savory smells washed over Henry as he let himself into the Park Avenue brownstone. He’d barely had time to take off his coat before there was a thundering of footsteps in the hall, and three small bodies launched themselves at him. Grunting, he stumbled slightly on impact, but tried his best to hug all three kids back at the same time.

“Mama! Papa! Henry’s here!” yelled the youngest of them, her big brown eyes shining.

Henry reached out and ruffled her dark hair. “Hey, Aunt Miranda. You ready for some turkey?”

She nodded and grinned. “Papa bought two! He said with this many people and your hollow legs, we’d need enough food for an army. Do you really have hollow legs, Henry?”

“That’s just an expression, Randy, it means I eat a lot.” Henry put an arm around the boy nearest him and squeezed. “How ya doin’, Jake? Ready to get your butt kicked at Mario Kart?”

“Yeah, right,” his kid brother snorted. “I’m the best. I beat everybody.”

“That’s not true,” piped up eight-year-old Gideon. “Mama beat you last night.”

Jake frowned at the other boy. “I let her win.”

“You did not!”

“I did too!”

“You can’t argue with me, I’m your uncle!”

“Nuh-uh! You’re younger than I am, and uncles are older. Right, Henry?”

“Uh…well, Gid is Dad’s brother, Jake. So…I mean, yeah, he is our uncle.” Gideon stuck his tongue out at his nephew, and Jake scowled. “But that doesn’t mean…”

“Gideon, be nice to Jake.” Henry looked up to see that Belle had appeared, her face stern. “We’ve talked about this - just because you’re his uncle doesn’t mean you can boss him around.” Jake made a face at Gideon and Henry sighed. He loved them both, but they were so…competitive. Adolescence was gonna be a nightmare. “I wondered where my helpers had gone,” Belle continued. “Who wants to peel potatoes.”

“I do!” Jake said quickly. “Can I use a real knife instead of the peeler?”

“Not til you’re older, sweetheart. Come on, I’ll get you started. Gideon, will you help Miranda change her dress again?” Belle eyed her daughter’s outfit, which was covered in flour and butter and God knew what else. “Actually, Randy, darling, don’t worry about a dress. Put on some of your play clothes and you can change right before dinner. Honestly,” Belle confided to Henry as Gideon led his sister upstairs, “I don’t know why I thought the dress was a good idea. She’s the least dressy person I’ve ever met.”

Henry smiled and put his arms around her when she hugged him. “Your dad and grandpa are in the study,” she said. “Jefferson and Grace should be here any minute.”

Henry swallowed around a suddenly dry throat, smiled, and headed down the hall. He’d known Grace for years - her dad worked for his, and had once worked for Belle - and they’d been friends since middle school. They’d even shared a high school graduation party. She was cool, if a little weird, but that wasn’t surprising considering that her dad wore top hats and smiled like a Cheshire cat. He’d gone to school in Boston while she’d stayed in New York, and for one reason or another they had dropped out of touch, never quite managing to be at home at the same time, even during the summer. And then he’d run into her in Atlantic City on Spring Break, and…well, he hadn’t remembered her being quite so pretty. Or so funny. Or so…everything.

He took a breath and reminded himself that the last thing he needed was his grandfather figuring out he had a thing for Grace. Roderick Gold might be ruthless as a businessman, but he was an equally devoted family man, and the merest whiff of a possibility of a granddaughter-in-law would have him on high alert. Not that Henry’d even had the nerve to send Grace more than a couple of friendly emails, but that wouldn’t stop his grandfather from speculating.

“That’s a pretty good location, but when you retire aren’t you supposed to stop working?” his dad’s voice sounded fondly exasperated, and Henry walked in to find his grandfather and father hunched over some papers at the desk.

“I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in eight years,” Grandpa said dryly. “I’m quite looking forward to spending a few hours a day in a dark shop surrounded by inanimate objects.”

“Hey,” Henry said, drawing their attention.

“Hey, Henry,” Grandpa smiled.

Dad stood and walked over to pull him into a hug. “The roads weren’t bad, were they?”

“Nah, just a little wet. Did you guys finally pick a place for Grandpa’s store?”

“Yeah, it’s a few blocks away from the Greenwich Village store, so I can still bug him if I need to.”

“You’ve just done fine without me,” Grandpa pointed out. “You could probably have done even better if you’d taken the CEO position, though.”

“Nah, I like the VP spot better, you know that. Smith’s doing fine.”

“Is anyone from Belle’s side coming this year?” Henry asked. He didn’t know his step-grandmother’s family very well, but Joan was a hoot and Maurice was nice.

“No, they’re spending the holidays with Joan’s family.”

The doorbell rang and Dad waggled his eyebrows at Grandpa before heading to the door. Henry grinned when he heard his other grandparents’ voices. Grandma and Grandpa Nolan were very nice, and he loved them, but they always treated his Grandpa Gold like he was a tamed beast ready to snap its tether at any moment. Gold rolled his eyes and limped out into the hallway to welcome his guests properly.

Henry took a deep breath and looked around the study. Belle’s books had a place of honor just behind the desk - the two best-selling kids’ books that had made her name and the four others that hadn’t done quite as well. There was also a chess table set up to one side, the pieces in the middle of a game. As he looked over the game, trying to determine who was closest to checkmate, he heard the doorbell ring again.

He hoped there would be enough room for everyone, and that Ruby and her grandmother got here soon. Ruby had taken over the diner when her granny retired, and she always brought pie. Really, really good pie.

“Hi, Henry.”

His hand jerked and he knocked over one of the pawns on the board. He reached for it, trying to right it, but he missed and sent a few more pieces flying. “Shit,” he muttered. Panicking, he tried to duck down to pick up the dropped pieces, and his head hit the board, sending everything scattering across the floor.

“Are you okay?”

He turned to look at Grace, who looked like she wanted to laugh. “Yeah, I just…wow, Grandpa’s gonna be pissed.”

She pressed her lips together and fought a smile, her blue eyes sparkling, and Henry flushed. “It’s good to see you.”

He smiled mutely and gathered the pawns to set them back on the board. Of course he had to act like a complete idiot around a cute girl. His dad and grandpa had been the same way. Why couldn’t he have inherited his Grandpa Nolan’s smooth charm?

Grace seemed determined to talk to him, though, so that was good. “Are you still majoring in creative writing?” she asked.

“Double majoring. Creative writing and business management.” Henry gathered the pawns and set them back on the board. “How’s biology going?” Grace was going to be a veterinarian, which made sense because she was crazier about animals than anyone he knew, except maybe Ruby.

“Not bad. A lot of labs and late-night cramming sessions.” She bit her lip and looked behind her. “Look, you didn’t…you didn’t tell anyone that we met in Atlantic City, did you?”

“Uh…no. I mean, it’s not like I was supposed to be there either,” he pointed out. Neither of them were twenty-one yet, and it was sheer luck that they hadn’t been caught. Spring Break was supposed to be for good times and minor rule-breaking, but he knew neither of their parents would see it that way.

“Okay, good. It was nice to see you and everything, but if Dad knew…”

“Yeah. It’ll be our secret.”

Grace smiled. “I like that. Our secret.”

“Yeah.”

She leaned past him and looked at the board. “Who was winning?”

“No idea.” She was too close, and Henry leaned away. “Probably Grandpa, though. He’s the chess master, after all.”

“Yeah, but I bet Belle has ways of distracting him.”

“Don’t go there,” Henry warned. “Just don’t.”

“They have two kids, Henry. It’s not like you don’t know…”

“I can pretend they hatched out of eggs, can’t I? I mean it’s bad enough with my parents, but…”

“I think it’s sweet. They’re obviously still crazy about each other.” She shook her head. “I’ve always hoped I’d find someone I loved as much as Belle loves Mr. Gold.”

A soft smile worked its way onto Henry’s face. “Yeah, me too. Or my parents. They’re still pretty distressingly into each other. Of course, they did meet stealing a car, so I don’t think I wanna copy them too closely.”

“And I’d rather not fall for my future husband while he’s putting me out of business.” Grace looked thoughtful. “I guess what I like most about your parents and grandparents is that they’re friends, y’know? I mean they love each other, but they also really like each other. That’s important in a relationship, don’t you think?”

“Uh…yeah, that’s…that’s important.” Henry realized he was holding his breath and released it. “I was, uh…I was wondering if you…”

“Hey, kid, Grandma Nolan’s looking for you.” His mom poked her head in the door. “Hey, Grace.”

“Hi, Mrs. Gold.”

“God, call me Emma, please. Henry, come out here before she drives your grandpa crazy,” Mom said, and Henry couldn’t quite keep the slight grimace from his face. “Or…is this bad timing?” Her eyes turned speculative and she glanced between them with a sly grin.

“It’s fine,” Henry said hastily.

“‘Cause I can make your excuses, tell everyone you’re in here entertaining a pretty young lady all by…”

“Oh my God,” Henry groaned. He moved to the door, but Grace stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“Yeah,” she said.

“Yeah?”

“We should get coffee tomorrow. Catch up.” Her eyes searched his. “That’s what you were going to ask me, right?”

“Yeah. Um. Cool. I gotta…” At her nod and smile, he walked to his mother, who was smiling widely.

“Don’t,” he muttered.

“Your grandpas are gonna be thrilled,” she teased.

“Why do I come back here?” Henry asked the ceiling. “Why do I torture myself like this?”

“Because you love us,” his mom pointed out, taking his arm.

He tried to scowl, but he couldn’t, because she was right. They were weird and mixed-up and complicated, but they were his family, and during the holidays there was nowhere else he’d rather be.

#rumbelle fic #extended universe ask game #avonlea books #my oldest child #anonymous

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leaveharmony · 7 years

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@yungcrybby-anonymousbosch Consider me near rambled out :) 1. How old were you when you first started watching?

I wish I could answer that with 100% accuracy. I know for certain I was by 1990 (8 years old), but, if my earliest memory is correct and not a falsely-implanted one than it would have been as early as 1986 (4 or so). Probably I was casually aware of it as a very young child and then slowly got more fanatic about it (this might have coincided with the first real meteoric rise of WWF / more available programming).

2. What company or companies did you watch? Early-on it was exclusively WWF, I'd say around 1998 I started occasionally tuning into WCW.

3. What is your earliest wrestling memory? I would swear up and and down that I remember Hogan and King Kong Bundy in the blue steel cage at Wrestlemania 2. I used to watch wrestling with my grandfather (pop pop) at my grandparent's house, I remember they had a textured green carpet at the time and I'd lay on the floor...I swear, that I remember at least some of the extended family going there to watch WM2. But nobody else can tell me if this actually happened. If not, then I very clearly remember one of Jake Robert's snakes biting Randy Savage, in the ring (1991?). I definitely remember the brief time before the Undertaker's first face turn. And I very vaguely recall everybody being really excited when Hogan bodyslammed Andre the Giant (WM3, 1987). 4. What attracted you to wrestling? Mmm...I really don't know. There's sort of a chicken and the egg aspect to it, I'm not sure I could pin down exactly why I gravitated towards anything as a child, but wrestling is even harder to figure out. Pop pop used to get quite involved with it and we didn't really have a lot in common, so that might have been part of it. Conversely, my parents were openly mocking about it, so, it might have also been a touch of my old tendency to be fiercely contrary. I can def. tell you that the Texas Tornado was one of my favs because of all the fringes on his boots, and I liked the Ultimate Warrior's facepaint and all of Flair's glittery robes, and the like...so bright colours and pageantry might have had something to do with it. And I was nuts about Miss Elizabeth in all her dated finery lol. Big-boom 80's/early 90's WWF was certainly geared towards kids and I was right in that target audience. 5. What is your favorite aspect of wrestling? I've always been attracted to characters more than plots, yunno? In books or films, or series, if I like enough of the characters I'll stick with it even if the plotting is kinda terrible. So I think it's just the personalities and people, tbh. For a very long time I wondered if I'd ever been a -wresting fan- or just an -Undertaker fan-, a question I can now answer with the former, but, it's the wrestlers I'm fondest of that keep me involved, I think. 6. What do you think the general public gets wrong about wrestling? “They don't really get hurt” would be my number one pet peeve misconception. My father, for instance, would be one of those guys JR was loudly denouncing during HitC/KotR 1998 who would completely sincerely say “Yeah, but they know how to fall.” after watching a man fall 13ft through a table onto a concrete floor. Which is why I would never watch it anywhere near him. 7. Do you have any friends who also watch wrestling? There's you! :D I have more now than I used to, I was a solitary practitioner for a long time. Now I'd say as many as five, anyway...and I've converted my mother lol. 8. Did you eventually start watching other companies? A very limited bit of WCW (1998-the end of the company)..I would sometimes turn it over during commercial breaks in Raw/Smackdown. I watched some TNA (whenever they got the deal w/ Spike TV -2006 or so when I couldn't stand looking at Jeff Jarrett anymore). 9. What has kept you interested wrestling? Every single time I've stopped watching and returned, the return was because of the Undertaker. He’d be the catalyst to the reaction which would follow... 10. Are you interested in any other wrestling companies? Gateway-drugged by Shinsuke, I'm currently consuming as much NJPW as is possible by one single mortal human being on a linear timeline. 11. What, if any, barriers are there to you watching other wrestling companies you’re interested in? Availability, relative ignorance and time constraints, I suppose? It's sort of...akin to jumping into a longrunning comic series with no sense of the history of the lore. Can be a little bit overwhelming and I think I'd have to do promotions one at a time. It was different with NJPW and Shinsuke, because I knew at least one face and name so I had a jumping off point, and then through his matches -with- other people, came to know others as well. I took notes! 12. Have you ever been to a live wrestling show? Yep! I think my first house show was in 1993? in a hockey arena in Sudbury, Ontario. My second was in 1999 at the Skydome in Toronto. My third was last summer at Ricoh Colliseum in Toronto, then last November I attended Takeover: Toronto and Survivor Series both at the ACC in Toronto, followed by another house show in March (Ricoh again). 13. Have you ever been to a local wrestling company’s shows? Oddly no! There's a promotion that sometimes did shows in my old highschool's gym but I never actually went - probably because I had nobody to go with. 14. Do you tell others (friends, acquaintances) that you’re a wrestling fan? Why or why not? Historically it would depend on the person - there was a lot of indefensible stuff going on in the Attitude Era and I think it pretty justifiably coloured public perception of wrestling fans, so, sometimes saying it outright was bracing for an argument. Now I've got zero shame about it - I'm a lifer, I've accepted it. 15. Aside from wrestling, what other fandoms are you involved in? That kind of depends on your idea of “involved in,” as I tend to stay fairly quiet. But to limit the answer to things I've actively posted about and discussed on Tumblr (within the past year or so), the brief rundown would be Star Trek (DS9), Fallout 4, the Dragon Age series, and Mass Effect. 16. Where does wrestling rank among your other fandoms? It's currently sitting at a pretty smug #1 but these things do fluctuate. 17. What Is your least favorite thing about wrestling? The target audience doesn't do it many favors, if you consider the target audience to have shifted during the attitude era to mean “Entitled straight white men aged 13-35.” Them being pandered/catered to was responsible for a lot of the things I found off-putting. To some extent, those things have gone by the wayside in WWE due to public trading/sponsorship (I'm not for a second gonna credit them with ‘shifting attitudes’). Misogyny, objectification, racism, homophobia, ableism, etc. In those respects it's at least less cringeworthy than it used to be, but sometimes there's backsliding...I find the jingoism in American-based pro wrestling very irritating, as well. 18. What is the first imagine or concept that comes to mind when you think about wrestling? It's funny, but no matter how many times they've changed the colours over the years, I still picture the ring with a red top rope, a white middle rope, and a blue bottom rope. 19. What do you wish wrestling had more of? In other words, what is lacking from wrestling that you wish were present? Does “Thought put into it” count? lol. Honestly most of the criticisms I'd level at wrestling would actually be directed at WWE. One of the reasons I'm enjoying NJPW so much is it just makes so much more logical sense from a booking standpoint and there's so much less fiddling around with awkward scripted ‘sketches’ and forced drama. WWE books like a bad reality show whose megalomaniac scripters are passed out in a table full of cocaine and money, so trains of thought don't actually reach the station. 20. Grievances? Anything that bugs you about wrestling or the way it is presented? Commercial breaks on the WWE Network? Teasing that a certain someone was “up next” but only showing a video package?” Hahahahaha is it possible this question was inspired by Recent Disappointments? XD Again, a lot of this would be directed at WWE. Commercial breaks during matches, god, I can't even tell you how wrongheaded that is. It completely takes me out of the story; I remember when it hardly ever happened, and when it did JR would apologize profusely for it, but now you've got a match with 2 or 3 commercial breaks in the middle of it, if it's something I'm only passingly interested in sometimes I've forgotten who's even in the ring by the time we get back to the action. It's the equivalent of a drama going to commercial while somebody's in the middle of a sentence, and returning after they've finished making their point. And again, with poor damned planning and stubborn refusal to accept criticism or feedback. Time was, if something went over like a lead balloon, it'd be reworked or tweaked or dropped altogether, but now...if it's something they want to happen badly enough they'll stick with a plan no matter how disastrously stupid or actively harmful to their own interests it is. I'm thinking specifically of the idiocy that is having a man hold your top title who will /maybe/ show up five more times this entire year, so he can drop it to a man 80% of the audience has absolutely no interest in seeing whatsoever, in a match that will probably be terrible. Oddly, sometimes we have the same problem in the opposite direction - being dead set on an idea while simultaneously waffling on committing to it; consider the repeated delay of Eva Marie's “debut match” which went on over a month, culminated in her being suspended offscreen, and likely her retirement from active competition. Also the entire debacle with “Emmalina,” wherein the writers were 100% behind the idea of changing Emma's gimmick apparently without even once consulting Emma about whether she was comfortable with the new direction. Similiarly the endless -promo videos- for the Shining Stars, and Darren Young's reboots...lengthy wait times followed by lacklustre debuts followed by essentially, no actual plan for any of them. (and yes, there is an unspoken fear here related to Recent Disappointments, I’m sure it’s shared) 21. And finally, anything you’d like to add to this questionnaire? *thinks a moment* Shinsuke is the bees knees. That's all. 22. How active are you in the online wrestling community? Not at all or do you occasionally visit wrestling forums and message boards? Do you read wrestling newsletters or listen to podcasts?Once upon a time I will admit to being a member of the “Brides of Kane,” and that's all the information you're getting on the subject lol. I've been delighted to find an active community on tumblr, as it turns out it's more fun to watch / bitch about wresting in company. I check the news sites daily - this is always true when I'm watching.And I occasionally give Jericho's podcast a listen, or run through some of Xavier's gaming videos.

#Rasslin'#ACADEMIC rasslin'#long post

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katalytic · 8 years

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Raw or Smackdown?

See, if I was not sleep-deprived, this would be an easy answer, and we could go on with our lives after I replied with one or the other. BUT since I got like… two? three? hours of sleep, and I tend to ramble when tired, I’m going to reply to this with A Very Long Post about my (very jumbled) thoughts on each show. Click on the “Read More” to, uh, read more (unless you’re on the mobile app – whoops).

Raw:

Since the brand split, Raw has had this issue where they either pull the trigger on a story line too early OR they let a story line limp to its sad conclusion, thereby ensuring no one gives a fuck by the end of it. However, in the past few weeks (since WWE has been “on the road to Wrestlemania”), they’ve gotten better at letting stories breathe while still adding a couple of new wrinkles to keep things fresh.

Please let this be the start of a trend and not something that stops as soon as Wrestlemania ends.

The Universal Title looks deadass like Lord Zedd from “Power Rangers” after a bedazzling accident.

Raw has my very favorite wrestler, Sami Zayn. Unfortunately, being a Sami Zayn fan right now feels like what it felt like being a Chicago Cubs fan in 2014 – you knew good things were around the corner, but can we see at least two wins strung together? Why Must I Suffer Like This?

Raw also has my other favorite wrestler, Bayley… whose character has suffered since joining the main roster, in my opinion. However, if WWE pulls off the Sasha Banks heel turn and shows how Sasha has slowly been manipulating Bayley this entire time, all will be forgiven.

Sasha Banks returning from her injury and decking Dana Brooke in the face was what cemented my wrestling fandom.

Can we talk about the women’s division, though? Because there are literally only four women they’re using in the division on Raw right now: Charlotte, Sasha Banks, Bayley, and Nia Jax.

Alicia Fox is busy having messy relations with Noam Dar.

Emma became Emmalina for a hot minute before she was “lol nah” and disappeared back into her cocoon or whatever.

Dana Brooke is JUST NOW getting out from under Charlotte’s thumb. This is a story line that should’ve been done ages ago.

Paige’s neck is, like, dead or something.

There are probably other women I’m forgetting because I haven’t seen them, like, ever.

Like, why? Why just these four?

Also, Nia Jax seems like a lovely person in real life, and I dig her in-ring character. But she does entire promos through her nose, and her theme makes me go “(dismissive wanking motion)” every time I hear it.

The first time I ever knew what a Seth Rollins was, he was returning from injury and then screaming at the crowd for cheering him. Iconic.

That’s probably why I didn’t really buy into his whole “yes I am a babyface now” act until he did his in-ring interview about his new knee injury. He just seemed like a snotty brat acting out because Mom and Dad had a new baby to dote on up until that point.

The whole Kevin Owens/Chris Jericho friendship thing went on for way too long but the Festival of Friendship was worth all of it.

Chris Jericho… what a goddamn delight he was this year. I’m going to be sad when he leaves to tour with Fozzy after Wrestlemania.

I’m glad Kevin Owens is being Actually Evil again.

I can’t believe it’s taken them this long to finally figure out Roman Reigns’ sweet spot as a character (tough as nails, dismissive of the old guard, doesn’t really give two shits about the crowd booing him because he knows what he’s about), but I’m glad I’m here to witness it. Now don’t fuck this up.

Because oh lawd before this Roman Reigns’ characterization was… A Mess. The less said about his reign as United States Champion, the better. Let’s all just… agree to forget this happened?

(I still want him to admit that he misses The Shield and that’s why he keeps everything vaguely Shield-like AND why he was so quick to be friends with Seth again.)

The tag team division is another mess. The New Day seem like they’re finally back on track in new IDGAF personas now that they don’t have the weight of the longest championship reign in tag team division history!!11! holding them down. But everyone else? Yikes.

Except, weirdly, Sheamus, who is actually pretty fun now.

Enzo Amore and Big Cass probably suffered the most out of everyone in the tag team division while The New Day were busy making history. (The whole storyline with Rusev and Lana? Let’s never speak of it again.) I used to look forward to them, but now, their music hits, and I stare off into an invisible camera like I’m on “The Office.”

Listen. I appreciate what Stephanie McMahon has done behind the scenes, and I get that her character on “Raw” is supposed to be an asshole. I understand. But I still want someone to hit her with a chair.

Triple H looks like he needs to take a dump. Like, all the time. He has permanent dumpface.

Come back to me, Finn Balor.

SmackDown:

SmackDown, to me, has been the more coherent and consistent of the two brands since the brand split. I think that the one thing that people were touting as its detriment at the start of the brand split – the smaller roster – actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Less characters means less working parts you have to shuffle around for stories to work.

Of course, the smaller roster means that you had the same four dudes vying for championships at the start of the brand split, but to the writers’ credit, they’ve been expanding that pool a bit.

The Randy Orton/Bray Wyatt story line. I mean, fucking hell. Did anyone expect it to be, like, good? Who knew Orton getting his head split open like an overripe melon during SummerSlam would lead to this? Shout out to everyone involved for being completely invested in it and taking even the most ridiculous parts of the story deadly seriously, because any sort of wink and nod to the audience would ruin it.

The Miz is the greatest heel on either brand, and it’s not even close. He even got me to feel sorry for Dolph Ziggler for a minute, there. Genius.

I know a lot of people still don’t like John Cena, and after watching older episodes of Raw and SmackDown on WWE Network, I can understand why. But the Meta Cena of this past year is the best version of John Cena possibly ever.

Also, Nikki Bella coming out to save Cena three weeks in a row makes my heart flutter. LOVE IS REAL.

The women’s division needs more women, but at least they’re using everyone in the division.

I would vote Alexa Bliss as WWE Rookie of the Year if there was such an award. (Is there such an award?) Yeah, she’s still green in the ring, but her character work has been fantastic to watch. A sneaky-good NXT callup.

The tag team division is a mess on this show, as well. American Alpha won the titles and then went a month without having to defend them. That’s how much of an afterthought the division has been.

Hopefully, the Usos winning the titles last night will help. Their heel turn has been one of the few bright spots in the entire division this year, so I’m hoping that’ll help elevate things.

Dean Ambrose growing a beard was a significant highlight for WWE this year, as far as I’m concerned. Now he doesn’t look like a baby with a combover anymore.

AJ Styles is probably one of my favorite characters in WWE right now. He’s like the Cool Old Guy crossed with the Only Sane Man who’s also Wrong Genre Savvy. Like, he’s the one dude on this show who sees it as an actual athletic competition and cannot comprehend the chicanery that surrounds him.

Take him calling out Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon for giving Randy Orton a match against him to be in the main event at Wrestlemania. Yes, on LITERALLY ANY OTHER SHOW, he would be completely right about how COMMITTING ARSON should not somehow grant Randy Orton a chance to be anywhere else other than jail. But he doesn’t realize he’s on a TV show about a wrestling show. Like, you shared a locker room with a an undead zombie wrestler AND a mystical cult leader, both of whom can teleport, my guy. That’s fine, but arson – ARSON is where you draw the line. Okay, buddy.

And then, when he sort of figures out that, hey, the rules of the outside world don’t matter on this show, he manages to break the ONE RULE he shouldn’t have: attacking a McMahon. And he still gets kind of rewarded for it (if you think having to carry Shane McMahon through a match where he is guaranteed to attempt to destroy himself at least once is a reward – which, honestly, it is, in WWE-land).

After all this, you’re probably wondering “So… Raw or SmackDown?” tl;dr: Raw has more of my favorite wrestlers, but SmackDown has the story lines I’m more invested in.

#wwe #wrestling #raw #smackdown #i'm sorry i had a lot of feelings #anonymous #the box of questions

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