#ramblings of a recovering catholic

[eroguron0nsense]

I've written before about how Ace's story has so many goddamn biblical allusions/parallels with the New Testament (conceived of by a miracle, survived a state-sanctioned mass infanticide/femicide, handed over for execution by a traitor, biblical resurrection kinda fulfilled through Luffy and Sabo inheriting his will) that I sometimes wonder if it's kind of intentional. That being said, if Ace is a Christ figure, he's a very interesting take on one: he's not dying voluntarily, but because the Navy and the World Government are hoping to set an example, reaffirm their power, and (theoretically, although this is a far less convincing motivation than punitive cruelty for the sake of it) discourage people from participating in the search for Roger's legacy and "end the great pirate era". He's not perfectly wise or selfless or divinely blessed by his parentage, nor does he ever identify with his semi-divine father; he's a twenty-year-old who rejects Roger and spends his whole life trying to find some agency and freedom from that legacy, living with the perpetual excruciating terror of being discovered until it finally happens and he's doomed both by the narrative and by the terrible destiny of being born a D and Roger's child. His execution isn't framed as a predestined moment of divine sacrifice and absolution, it's a frantic nightmare that ends in tragedy, surrounded by constant reminders of the hollow, twisted "justice" and false promises of a new dawn espoused by the oppressor. And when he does end up sacrificing himself, he doesn't do it for a greater purpose, or for the good of mankind: he dies fighting for himself and his family, he dies turning around to confront the tormentors who have taken his and his loved one's lives and freedom and mocked their sacrifice, and, most importantly, he dies for Luffy. He dies in defiance of these grand narratives ascribed to him: not to save the world or bring about a new era but in the name of defending the people he loves and finds his purpose in loving.

TLDR: Oda’s take on the Christ Figure isn’t a prophet or all-knowing son of God, but a young person born with a terrible fate, who tries to live and find love in his friends and brothers and family only to have it stolen from him by the powers that be for a cruel birthright he had no say in, whose execution and its symbolic purposes are forced on him from outside. He's a child who deserves the world and is killed for the "sins" of others, but instead of dying on the cross, instead of being sacrificed on the altar of state control for an ostensible end to an era, he manages to die fighting on his own terms for something that truly matters to him, and the ripple effects caused by his death/sacrifice are slated to eventually bring about the downfall of the system that murdered him.

[capseycartwright]

confirmed repressed catholic eddie you mean the world to me

[m3r1m4r5u333]

Reasons why I keep rambling about Bi!Eddie...

Why? Why would Eddie hide his sexual identity, bisexuality? Because... why not, he thinks.

Dating only women would mean less conflict with his family. His family is religious and Eddie loves them, is scared to lose them.

Eddie also fears triggering more conflict, maybe even fears his family might not consider him a good dad anymore if he came out.

He already almost had to fight for his son's custody with them. What if he comes out and they lash out? He has a dangerous job, works ridiculous hours, is a single parent. A queer man is not every courtroom's favorite person.

So women... That's where Eddie hides, it's what he knows. It's "a safe place to hide"... because in theory, it's fine, it's comfortable. Eddie is attracted to women. So he isn't really sacrificing anything, or at least much, he thinks... Just marry a woman you love, and it's all good. No need to come out and clash with your family, or make Christopher's childhood even more of a challenge. After all, the world is still prejudiced and not all children of queer parents have it easy.

But the truth is... Closeted life isn't a cake-walk even if you avoid detection, and are sort of adjusting. You are still hiding a part of yourself. Acting. Feeling like you need to pretend. Scared and unable to be fully yourself.

I've noticed that Buddie fans keep pointing to Eddie's panic attacks as this "haha gotcha, you're GAY!"-confirmation. It's ignorant.

Did you know that panic attacks are actually not at all unusual among closeted bisexuals, either?

Masks are always suffocating, no matter what you're hiding.

Not to mention, when Eddie starts having those panic attacks, he's under a world of pressure. Trying to recover and get back to dating... Quite soon really, after losing his wife.

He's also got a mountain of trauma and PTSD after surviving several near-death- experiences. To add to the trauma, the way he experienced the shooting? He thought Buck was wounded.

And then he is pressured into asking Ana out even though it hasn't been that long since he lost his wife.

Also I'm quite sure... His heart just isn't in it, dating. I think he has actually by that point fallen for Buck. And ignores it, tries to move on, forces himself to date someone else.

Get back on a horse, even if you don't really want to, feel the need to. Doesn't matter what you like, just do it anyway! "Horses" it is. Dating it is.

So Ana and Eddie? It's a tale of unrequited love, for Eddie, and for Ana. Falling for a concept because the person you truly want is simply not invested like you are, is emotionally unavailable to you.

The anxiety builds when people keep assuming Ana is Eddie's wife or Christopher's mom. It's too soon, it feels wrong. The relationship is just a mask because Eddie hasn't actually moved on. From Shannon, or from Buck. He panics when Ana says. "I'm not his mother... I'm... just a friend."

It's a reminder that she isn't Shannon - not Christopher's mom.

And she isn't Buck either. Buck who isn't really Christopher's father, who is... just a friend.

And like Buck... Ana is becoming Eddie's ready-made family anyway. Actually the third ready-made family, really. Shannon, Buck, Ana... All happened without much room to stop and re-consider.

Shannon... A rushed shotgun marriage triggered by an unplanned pregnancy and catholic guilt.

Buck, (a seemingly) straight friend quickly becoming family - clearly a dead end romance-wise.

Ana... A rushed, pressured romance built out of need to forcibly move on, and find a step-mom for Chris. Three ready-made families, all destroying Eddie in different ways. Anxiety, inner turmoil, panic.

....

So. Eddie's bisexuality!!!

That ice skating scene in "Malfunction"? The episode is very Eddie-centric, and the theme is "Me a tough macho man, me trust nobody, ugh!"

There's Eddie's fight club clusterfuck, his argument with Lena about Eddie being emotionally distant. Eddie, crying in front of Bobby about his grief, about Shannon leaving because Eddie "broke" her, because he wasn't enough...

Eddie = Trust issues galore, abandoment issues galore. Persistent shame and guilt making him unable to go for anything he really wants. Avoidance. Hidden pain. Constant urge to be in control, and never slip.

So let's look at that ice skating scene in "Malfunction"...

It's a blood bath on ice. Figure skaters toe-picking and getting injured, all because of one fallen sequin on ice triggering a domino effect. Bobby knows to look for a sequin because he's got some experience with this stuff.

Chimney: So how come you know so much about figure skating?

Eddie: Always thought you were a hockey player, cap.

...

Bobby: Who says you can't do both?!

(They team is shocked. Buck says "We'll google for photos later"

Chimney waves his hand around like he agrees... But in a way that ends up looking like he's pointing at Buck AND Eddie. And Hen then throws this shocked lingering stare at Buck and Eddie, like she just realised something!)

...Who says you can't do both? Indeed... Is there some secret quota, unknown to me, that dictates how many bi characters a tv show can have?

Is there a law that a queer male ship must always be the sum of one bi male, one male gay character? Why do we expect that? Because it would be more diverse, more varied representation?

Correct me if I've got this wrong... But writing Eddie as gay would in fact not score the show more diversity points, not in the realm of 9-1-1.

The show STARTS OFF with a storyline about a closeted, married gay man! If Eddie was gay... It would be the show's second storyline about a closeted, married gay man. That's not diverse representation. That would be in fact... quite repetitive, unimaginative queer representation!

Also, let's keep in mind that the show already has several gay male characters by the time Eddie joins the team.

Michael! David! Josh! That's already three gay men. If Eddie was gay, Eddie would be the fourth gay male character.

Oh wait. Tommy. So... FIFTH one! Also there are even more strictly gay monosexuals: Two lesbians. Hen and Karen.

However, there are just two confirmed bi character so far. Buck and Eva.

So really, Who says you can't "do both"?

Who says both of these characters can't be interested in women and men, into more genders than one? Who says both Buck and Eddie can't be bi?

"We're everywhere, man." That's Eddie's line in that scene, gif below. (And pink+yellow balloons, blue gloves? Pansexual-coded colors. Multisexuality!)

Eddie, subtly illuminated in bi-coded colors. Blue, purple, pink... On a date with a woman.

Talking with Buck. Bi-coded lighting.

Oh look, what's behind Eddie? The famous bi-cycle. While he talks about "the menu" not being the issue...

"The sex was never the issue", with Shannon. Canonically they actually went at it like bunnies, even to the detriment of their relationship because they failed to talk due to being too distracted by each other's bodies.

"The "menu" is not the issue." And it's not with Marisol, either. Not until Eddie learns of her hyper religious past.

Confronting Marisol, a former nun-student? That's the issue here, that's what Eddie's trying to avoid. Confronting his obviously at least at one point very religious, quite possibly bigoted girlfriend...?? Would certainly be an issue, if you're bi!!! Who wants to date a bigot?! Your very own domestic hate crime.

So... Eddie talks about the upcoming alone time with Marisol (when Chris was away) feeling exciting, naughty... Until he learns she was almost a NUN!

He talks about "eyes on the ground". And that's what dating a fundamentalist would be, if you're bi and closeted. Eyes on the ground, close to you.

Suddenly being judged for same-sex attraction is no longer just a distant fear, a vague idea to Eddie, it's a living, breathing person in his home, in his bed.

Really, imagine dating a bigot. Imagine your partner being disgusted, disturbed, judgemental... by your sexuality, your identity, your desires, dreams. Imagine them being repulsed by such an fundamental, persistent part of what makes you... you. Something you cannot change.

Imagine sometimes fantasizing about men as well as women, and then... trying to have sex with someone... who you suspect might consider your secret fantasy life disgusting, wrong. Imagine that negative reaction if they knew the whole truth, who you really are?!

An efficient boner killer, for sure!! No wonder Eddie is suddenly avoiding her company, anxious by the idea of sex with her. He doesn't trust Marisol anymore.

Also, let's talk about Eddie and moving on.

Why going home is an issue. Leaving Buck's place is an issue. Because trying to move on? Those words just need a melody, and ta-dah it's the Eddie Diaz theme song. The story of his life. The concept just keeps coming up.

Moving on. Being unable to move on.

Quite frankly, I think this is the main reason why Eddie cannot date without freaking out.

When Eddie joins the team he's still stuck on Shannon. "They weren't my type." Less awkward than to say "Sure they were hot, but I do have an estranged wife."

Shannon was his first crush, love, his first everything. The mother of his child. His friend. But they were young, not ready to get married and have a child, especially one with special needs. They were pushed to do that anyway when Shannon suddenly got pregnant, unplanned.

Btw, may I just point out that they're already under a lot of pressure and struggling when we first see them together on the show?

What we miss out on seeing... are the times when things were still great! That creates a limited, tinted view of their romance, and warps our entire view of their relationship. When we first see Eddie and Shannon, their relationship is already quite fractured, and falling apart.

Doesn't mean it always was bad.

Inability to work together. That eventually destroyed their relationship. Both failed to listen to each other, to be a team. Their love died because their mutual trust and respect died.

Eddie couldn't handle sudden parenthood, sudden marriage (and catholics truly expect forever), Christopher's cp diagnosis. He enlisted, escaped to the army. Shannon couldn't handle the guilt, thinking the cp was her fault. They fought all the time. Eddie let his parents meddle with Christopher's upbringing, walk over Shannon. He refused to listen to her when she wanted to move to another city. Eddie avoided bonding with Chris.

So when Eddie got home from the war-zone, she left. Eddie was suddenly alone with Chris. And Shannon was gone for a long time. Her leaving, it was a shock to the system. Eddie no longer trusted her, she'd abandoned him, and more importantly, abandoned Chris.

So Eddie is struggling. Alone. Hurt.

And then... Eddie meets Buck, who is ridiculously helpful. Buck is someone Eddie can count on. They're almost instantly a team.

So Eddie moves on from Shannon, and falls for Buck. From that point on? There is no real room for others. From then on it's just barely discreet heart-eyes at Buck, and Eddie not truly wanting to date anyone (else).

Eddie doesn't really want to get back together with Shannon when she returns. The sex is still great, that was never the issue, they both agree on that one thing...

But she was simply gone for too long, she even says this. It's obvious. Eddie has adjusted to life without her, found a new focus, moved on from her.

For example when we see Eddie, Buck and Chris visit Santa? Eddie talks about Shannon to Buck in this almost anxious way, like he feels the need to explain himself to Buck, like he's been cheating on Buck. Buck then calls Eddie "brother", and Eddie's face, just for a moment... Falls. He looks disturbed, disappointed, to be called "brother".

Eddie tries to mend the relationship with Shannon. It's obviously out of a sense of duty (catholic guilt, marriage should last, divorce is wrong), he keeps waiting for a "sign", keeps ducking her questions, pushing her away, keeps dragging his feet. His heart is no longer in it. Shannon realises this, wants to break up.

And then she dies. Eddie grieves. Feels guilt for failing to salvage the marriage. And then Eddie is just... stuck. Unable to move on, from grieving Shannon, from the guilt caused by their failed marriage, from Buck. Tries to force himself to move on. Fails. Keeps dying inside.

Heart's already taken.

.....

There are so many talks about moving on after that. Seemingly they are all about Shannon, and I do think they are about Shannon...

Just not... entirely. After all, Eddie didn't really want to get back together with her, did he now. We see them fighting, a lot. Their relationship wasn't dancing on roses, there were serious problems.

So the talks about moving on are also about Buck. Buck, who Eddie thinks is straight, yet parenting Chris with him. They become close, are seen doing all sorts of domestic family stuff.

What a painful existence would that be, to raise your child with someone whom you love and desire, but who you think cannot ever return your feelings? Who wants that? Of course Eddie would want to move on!!

Then shit happens... And Eddie clearly just... spirals without Buck. Partakes in illegal fights to let off steam. Yells at Buck at a grocery store about "not being around, Christopher missing him..". They end up looking like a couple in the middle of a messy divorce.

People, including Buck, pressure Eddie into dating. Buck keeps dating women. Eddie... keeps having talks about moving on.

Looks totally dead as he tells Buck that he needs to move on, Eddie has. It's an obvious lie, and it's such a bizarre thing to say to a friend, no matter the circumstances - very relationship-coded.

Almost like Eddie was just desperate to voice those words out loud, wishing that saying them would turn them into reality. Move on, I have!! (Move on, stop approaching me, stop tormenting me like this.)

....

So move on, Eddie...

....

There's Buck, urging Eddie to ask Ana out.

......

Bobby, telling Eddie that he will always miss the family he once had, but he loves the new one he now has. So you should try moving on, Eddie!

.......

Eddie's doctor... suggesting he could be repressing things.

The talk with the doctor;

They're talking about the shooting... Until it sounds like Eddie isn't.

Eddie: I don't even think about him anymore.

Doc: That could be called repression.

Eddie: Or just... moving forward.

Then some more subtext about pining. Remember Buck... being compared to a golden retriever?

Remember the man who cornered himself on a roof? Whining that he always wanted a dog but mom wouldn't let him because "Barry was allergic!"... (Or maybe, queerphobic?)

.....

Ana: There's a lot to be said for getting back on the horse. But there's also value in learning that you don't like "horses".

Eddie: I'm sorry?

....

Carla, telling Eddie to follow his heart, not Christopher's.... (Edit. Btw, look up the pictures of those hearts, I can't add more pictures to this post.There's Buck's silly, happy "misunderstood the assignment" love-type heart symbol... The one Chris drew, the one Carla warns against following?

Dead-looking, clinical, anatomical. And it's drawn with bisexual-flag colors!!!!

Love can't be about logic and rationality, reasoning with yourself and finding a good enough match. Even if on paper it makes sense. Love needs to be an emotion. It needs to make you happy.)

.....

The first day Buck and Eddie meet:

Buck is taking selfies.

Eddie: You're in the wrong lighting, man.

Buck: Some of us don't need lighting to look good!

And...

Years later... At the dark firestation, Eddie looking at Buck, getting lost on his memory lane, forgetting to introduce Ana.

Ana: Even in the dark this place is amazing! (The parallel to "Some of us don't need lighting to look good.")

And Eddie panics.

(*panicking, looking between Ana and Buck*)

Eddie: I don't want these things to wilt!

.....

After that... Eddie, looking at Buck:

Somehow we became a ready-made family, and I... I don't know if I'm ready for that.

(and how could he be ready for that, he thought Buck was straight.)

.....

Eddie talking with his tía, learning that she's been married twice, not just once, like Eddie always thought.

Eddie, learning that she had been unable to move on from the first husband, and didn't feel ready to date... But her friends had dragged out anyway, and that's when she had met her second husband-to-be.

And it was this, meeting someone else, that made her move on. So Eddie forces himself to date, thinking that all he needs to do is meet the right person, and he'll finally move on.

.....

The scene with Marisol, setting her bag on Eddie's hallway table.

Checking that it's not falling off... because there is barely enough space for Marisol to set down her belongings.

The table is already full. There's a toy truck on it, which BUCK gave Chris, years ago,

and it takes so much room.

It's lit, under a lamp, in the center of a table, the first thing you see when you enter Eddie's home. A prized little thing, a treasure. It's clearly valued, spotlighted like art... Even though a toy like that? Would not be very expensive.

Still, it's clearly something Eddie cherishes. Chris is no longer a little kid, he doesn't play with toys like that. But the truck stays, it's something Eddie wants to keep looking at. And it's huge, centered, leaves little room for something else.

Eddie is pining!!!!

Whether he realises it or not... This man is in love, that's why his relationships feel so suffocating, why they keep failing. His heart is already taken. His romantic relationships are just glued on, they're pretense, acting, a desperate attempt to move on, from Buck.

[thestayathomedragon]

WIP Wednesday

Let's just pretend it's still Wednesday, eh?

Leon is drunk again. Another shitty mission. Another bio-terrorist attack that will be covered up and forgotten by next week.

He’s pacing and drinking straight from the bottle. You knew it was bad when he didn’t even bother with a glass.  He’s rambling and mumbling to himself. He’s such a goddamned cliché, isn’t he?

He’s angry at the world. Angry at himself. But mostly he’s angry at his so-called God.

He’d been raised catholic (like Luis) most of his life. His birth parents. Then the orphanage. Foster families here and there. If they weren’t catholic, they at least believed.

Leon hadn’t though. He hadn’t for a long time.

He rages for a time but his fire burns out just as quickly as it started. Just a flare up just like every other time.

“What did I do, huh? What d-did…” He breaks down.

“And here come the water works.” He could practically see the Major rolling his eyes. “Get it together, Rookie.”

Fuck the bastard.

“I… I don’t know what I did.” Leon sobs, because once the floodgates are open there’s no shutting them. “I never asked you for an-anything.” He doesn’t even know who he’s talking to. “I just… please. Please… I can’t…” He shudders. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, he thinks as he wipes away tears and snot.

Disgusting.

Ten years and he’d only gotten worse. How could anyone ever want someone as pathetic as him?

Luis had.

Leon chuckled wetly. And what did that really say about the other man, huh?

Maybe he just pitied you.

Leon had been such a mess in Valdelobos. He tried to keep up a tough visage, chin up, eyes ahead but every time he lost Ashley it was a blow that became harder and harder to recover from. But Luis. No matter what. Luis kept going. Unknowingly dragging Leon right along with him all the while cheering him on.

Luis kept trying. He apparently saw something in Leon that inspired him to.

It never felt like pity.

So, he would keep trying for Luis because Luis was special.

[james-vi-stan-blog]

I’m sorry if you answered a similar question like this but was there any terrible or traumatic experiences/events King James went through?

Yeah, so, James's life was basically nonstop trauma from the age of negative 3 months to the age of 20.

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of time today but I can come back later and make a post with double-checked dates and links. But just going off of memory here are some highlights (ages may be wrong):

His mother Mary QOS claims a gun was pointed at her belly during the assassination of David Rizzio when she was pregnant with James

His father was murdered, his mother exiled, and he never saw her again after the age of 15 months

As a 1-year-old baby king Scotland fell into a civil war between "his" forces and his mother's

He was raised isolated and lonely in Stirling Castle mostly by grim Presbyterians (not completely locked up alone, but he later spoke of this time as lonely, I rambled about this before, cn: Esmé Stewart) who attempted to brainwash him against Mary QOS (I rambled about this AT LENGTH before)

He was so harshly disciplined/beaten by George Buchanan that he had PTSD symptoms as an adult

He seems to have had developmental problems such as delayed speech and walking, which were probably... not treated sympathetically. He was probably physically disabled though there are dozens of different modern diagnoses that have been offered.

3/4 of his childhood regents were murdered as part of the civil war and/or political feuding. First, his uncle. Then, his grandfather, who was carried bleeding into Stirling castle and died in front of 5 year old James's eyes. Then, the Earl of Mar, who was James's custodian/foster-father, was probably poisoned (James=6).

When James was 11, one of his childhood friends (who was then 20 - he was a bit older than James), pushed by the then-regent Morton, led an armed attack on Stirling Castle to try to take custody of James by force. The Master of Mar, father of his other childhood friend (Thomas Erskine, same age as James) had to take up a halberd and physically protect James from the attackers. James at one point thought the Master of Mar had been killed in front of his eyes. He wasn't, but Thomas Erskine's older brother really was killed.

When James is 13 he looks around at this shitty situation and says "nope", proclaims himself an adult ruler, meets and then immediately falls in love with his 37-year-old cousin Esmé Stewart. (The main subject of this earlier ramble) Probably not good for James's emotional development.

When James is 15 he executes the last of his childhood regents, Morton, probably convinced by Esmé Stewart that the guy had a hand in the murder of his father Lord Darnley. So 4/4 of James VI's regents met sticky ends.

When James is 16 his anti-Catholic nobles, who hate Esmé Stewart, kidnap James and hold him hostage, treating him badly. Esmé Stewart has to flee Scotland and dies in France and James never really recovers from this.

When James is 17 he escapes and rules surrounded by various allies including Catholic nobles. When James is 19 though the kidnappers from before come back to Scotland funded by Elizabeth and take over again.

I think I've forgotten some incidents, like I think he might have almost died once already by this point, but I don't remember the details.

After this point, though, James actually is an adult ruler who can hold his own in politics. So, like, wild backstabbings, betrayals by loved ones, war, etc., but James was more effectively able to ride the political waves and gave as good as he got, so it's not the same level of "helpless kid bashed around by politics".

So......... yeah. A bit of trauma. It's really no wonder he turned out like he did in a lot of ways.

[okthatsgreat]

May I hear about some of the gone waters cast if that's alright? :3 second times the charm

YES! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh god ill ramble about my characters below because if i go off about EVERYBODYS characters we will be here for weeks gfhdkjgsfkhg but ill DO WHAT I CAN. this will be so long im so sorry

ramble will be under the read more :) 

OK SO for some quick context Danganronpa: Gone Waters is a SEQUEL roleplay to Danganronpa: Hope's Reprisal that the same group of people did a few months ago, gone waters JUST ended so now i can just ramble on endlessly about these characters without having to worry about spoiling anything to the people i am running this roleplay for ghfdkjghskfdjgh. gist of the narrative is a group of """volunteers""" were sent into the luxury virtual reality program to experience high class living for a week, all run by an artificial intelligence named andi that caters to their needs whenever. one day the emergency siren starts blaring, the emergency EXIT doesn't let them leave this simulated reality, and andi has suddenly been given new instructions to run a killing game for these participants. WACKY! 🤪

i had to create two characters who were primarily there for narrative reasons (considering i was running the rp fhdksgjf) so that's where billie and andi came in :) but i LOVED how they turned out jesussss the people im rping with had great characters and it was so easy and fun making these fucked up relationships with them N E WAYS

billie lane was created as this little sacrificial lamb that was always supposed to die first lol !! she's this mopey fifteen year old who is very awkward and feels like she doesn't necessarily fit in anywhere, which is only EXACERBATED by the fact she is talentless in this group of Ultimate Students who were supposedly selected because of their talent. she was created to be this adaptable character who latches on to trends and other people's personalities very quickly, and dare i say it she wasnt heading in the wrong direction when she died???? she got some bad advice definitely but the key advice i was using for her character were along the lines of "be completely honest" and "don't underestimate yourself" as well as being told who and who not to trust ghdfgdsf. the other rpers definitely were shaping her up to be a good kid :) who then of course got killed while trying to be helpful :(

chapter one was always intended to be a mimicry of hopes reprisals chapter one (because a huge theme in this rp is breaking the cycle basically), and practically all of chapter 1 was devised by a character named moira who lured two people there with the intent of making them kill each other, kickstarting the whole game! billies purpose was to give juuuuuuust enough information to certain characters and then dip lol. the reason she was there in the first place is because her father worked on the simulator, and she's basically been this little lab rat for YEARS. just constantly doing her dads bidding. so you can imagine how grouchy she fucking gets over how limited her options are ghfkgfsdgkgfds. shes a teenage loser raised in a catholic suburban household who isnt offered a lot of freedom and has undiagnosed mental illness and then she dies. and she was awesome. 2 me. she's just such a tragic character overall and it didnt help that the other people in the rp kept making me FUCKING SAD WHEN SHE DIED!!!!!!!!

andi v92.38B is the artificial intelligence running the place :) or trying to at least. there is frequent reference to her BEING the building, so when the building starts to fall apart she does, too. she's this inhuman thing that is serving as the catalyst of a memory recovery plot, which essentially means she's recovering old memories of the PREVIOUS killing game as this CURRENT killing game goes on. but, something that WASN'T planned, is the fact that she is gaining some sort of sentience throughout all of it, SOME sort of capacity to feel. and it isn't pleasant whatsoever. it's so ugly. the very first thing she learns how to feel is pain and hatred. she doesn't understand what any of it is or what is happening to her.

this virus that was introduced into the simulator is more or less killing andi in the process, and it immediately starts growing bitter and resentful towards the People who had brought this virus along. she doesn't understand why she is suddenly feeling this way, she doesn't think she is isnt capable of doing anything outside of her programming, and it all culminates in a cranky ai that refuses to admit it is anything less than inhuman which ultimately ends in it finally admitting it might be scared of dying, before getting wiped out entirely ! it has no choice but to follow rules and then die mad about it very unfortunately. it had some seriously interesting relationships with the other participants like there were so many of them who were so nice to it???????????? like genuinely sorry for her. it was so so much fun playing andi she was also pretty funny which ruled

cutting myself off now GHFDJKG also here's a really stupid and quick animatic i did a while ago too with the survivors + andi

THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK I HOPE IT MADE EVEN AN OUNCE OF SENSE

[medicus-mortem]

  The doctor’s brow furrows as he considers the implications his theory is creating. He isn’t surprised by devil fruits being mislabeled. The things are still a complete mystery. Even with the information Law stole from Punk Hazard about the SMILEs, SAD production, and what he could find about Vegapunk’s research, he is still no closer to understanding his own fruit, let alone something as wild as whatever Luffy’s fruit really is. The only thing he can consider with any sort of certainty is that if Luffy’s fruit is a zoan it’d be some sort of Human model. Like Chopper’s fruit or Sengoku’s. While Chopper’s just turns him into a mostly normal human with a greater than average intelligence, Sengoku’s makes him a god of sorts. From what Law saw Luffy do he is definitely getting the god vibes.

   Now ain’t that a kick in the teeth for an ex-Catholic. There is a god out there and it’s this bouncy idiot. No wonder his people had no hope. A deep sigh. No, that thought isn’t fair to the Straw Hat kid. He does more good than Law ever could.

   Straw Hat’s ramblings, his way of trying to understand this as best he can, cuts through Law’s considerations. Head rises, golden eyes coming out from under the shadow of his hat. He watches the kid, part of him tensing with the mention of Shanks. He remembers the Red Hair Yonko’s apparent concern for Luffy at Marineford. Law remembers seeing that straw hat with Red Hair in the papers when Law was beginning his career in the North. He always knew that connection was there somehow but hearing Luffy say it so casually is a punch to the gut he wasn’t prepared for. Again, the doctor frowns. Shanks gave Luffy his hat and his devil fruit that is clearly more than what he led Luffy to believe. What is that man’s game?

   Once again Law finds himself watching Straw Hat try to understand all of this. Law tilts his head, relaxing a little and somewhat amused by Luffy’s obvious struggle. The kid looks like he’s in pain. Like his head is going to explode. Law can’t even imagine what it’s like to have that limited level of understanding. If it was him, he’d feel so damn sluggish and useless. Or maybe he’d be happier than he is. Better at turning his brain off for a time.

   Luffy suddenly perks up, jumping out of his seat with an idea he seems to think is smart. What he declares he’s doing makes Law sit up, a hand reaching too late to grab the kid.

   “Don’t. You’re still-,” the doctor starts, concern for his patient entering his voice but of course Luffy barrels on ahead with so little consideration.

   Law sighs, watching Luffy try to force the change again. He slouches, focusing on the information he needs to find. Half of him listens to Luffy’s inner voice, waiting for the change. The other half watches Luffy and the heart, trying to take in the physical changes. What he concludes, as Law hears the drumming of Luffy’s Haki grow louder and sees the heart on the table stutter in its beating, is that his theory holds water. It’s not a conclusive test, what with how Luffy collapses soon after his hair becomes like a cloud, but it’s something.

   “No, you shouldn’t have,” Law says, voice tired. He takes up Luffy’s heart as he rises from the bench. He strides over to his fellow captain, crouching down beside him where he lays on the ground. Law takes a moment to push his heart back into place, creating a small Room to properly seal it in. “You’re still recovering and it’s gonna take time until you’re strong enough to call on somthin’ that powerful again. So, rest. Doctor’s orders.”

Big doe eyes watch with rampant attention. Law’s powers are always so far removed from his own he can’t help but stare in quiet awe. Goosebumps ripple out from the first touch and chest inflates with a deep breath. It never hurts per se and if Luffy had to compare the boxing of his heart  it reminds him of slightly cold hands slipping under his skin, startling but fingers warm to his body temperature just as quickly before the enclosed organ is removed with a smooth exhale. Luffy has no doubt in the heat of battle the ability would leave the best of them breathless. 

“Wow.” The small ‘o’ of his lips pull into an excited smile, fingers already moving up to trace the edge of the hole in his chest. “Yer so—” He huffs looking up to the doctor. “Wow.” It’d never get old!

“Mmm, only sorta?” If Law managed to beat an emperor with only a partial awakening the rubberman can’t begin to wonder what a full awakening would look like or the pressure it’d take to get the other there. “You think so?” Both hands raise from the table and his eyes narrow, there’s no telling what a zoan fruit feels like, let alone one he thought was a paramecia. Flipping his hands backwards and forwards a few times, the circular thinking making him frown. “Then what fruit do I have?” The question isn’t directed towards Law or to himself but … maybe Shanks knew? He hadn’t been outrageously upset the afternoon the boy had eaten the fruit and yet. “ ‘m not even sure where Shanks got it from.” Hands clap together before falling into his lap; the surgeon's diagnosis doesn’t fully reassure him but he was the expert so Luffy grins. 

“Inner voice?” Did Rayleigh teach him that? Luffy’s face contorts with thought, brain already struggling with the prospect of being a Zoan let alone what any of gear fifth means. “Uhhh, inner voice. Yea that sounds familiar.” Voice strains, steam beginning to roll out of his ears. “Wait!.” He hops up from the table and takes a few steps back. “I can just go into gear fifth and you can see if it’s either of them.” 

Smart. Taking a few deep breaths to center himself eyes slide closed. All of his other transformations are activated externally, the bite of a finger or forearm but this was something else. Noise falls away, a curtain of silence pulled over his mind save for the strong thump of his heart. On the table the organ stutters out of idle bobbing, the dull beat growing with more drums joining in. Like before the bass is catchy and Luffy can feel the orchestra of a time long forgotten. Transformation starts at the top of his head and oh it feels good, even better than last time. Laughter burst from grinning lips, black hair oozing, congealing, lifting into rounded clouds.

“Oup, nevermind.” Words wheeze out of his smoking mouth, gummy muscles giving out under him and he collapses backwards in a huff. “Ow. That was dumb, shouldn’ta did that.”

[davyjoneslockr]

For the headcanon thing: Mista 😎

(For this)

Sorry this took so long, I've been busy but I'm working on answering all the stuff in my ask box so don’t worry :]

Headcanon A:  realistic

Okay maybe not ~super~ realistic but whatever. He was raised by nuns. He was the product of a very short-lived fling between his mother, an immigrant, and his father, The Entire Horse himself. He was born after his father left, and his mother died due to health complications soon after - having no family in Italy, and worried at the prospect of her son growing up as an orphan without moral guidance, she arranged to have him taken in by the convent of the Catholic church she attended.

This had both good and bad impacts on Mista. He quickly came to love the women raising him as his family, and he found comfort in both the reliable structure of day-to-day life and in his faith, which he carries with him into adulthood. At the same time, being raised in such a strongly Catholic environment while having undiagnosed OCD did not always mix well, especially when he got intrusive thoughts, or developed maladaptive beliefs tied to religion ("God will hate me if I do X arbitrary thing," "I will be divinely punished if I don't do Y compulsive action," etc).

Eventually, it gets to be too much, and he decides to run away in his mid teens. For a while, he thought about returning, but going to prison and joining Bucciarati's gang took him in a different direction. While he claims he doesn't need to go back now, since he has a new family who he loves more than anything, there's a part of him that's afraid to go back. After everything he's done since leaving, he's not sure he'd be able to face the women who raised him - people he'd considered unbreakably virtuous and pure. He doesn't let it show, but deep down, he struggles with a lot of good old Catholic Guilt.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

Likewise maybe this is actually realistic but I don't care it's funny. He's a stoner. He goes behind Bucciarati's back and uses his Epic Mafia Connections to buy weed. Probably makes his own edibles, which he has to hide from Bruno in increasingly ridiculous ways. "Yeah no Bucciarati don't worry I always keep cookies in my sock drawer. It's uh. So the others can't steal them y'know. No you can't have one. Why does it smell bad in here? It's uh. Giorno turned my shoe into a skunk earlier. Yeah he does that a lot. That's a normal thing he does. Please leave now."

Narancia's also a stoner on the same level (love wins <3) and Fugo will partake occasionally if it's with them. A lot of their dumbest debates start this way, because Mista is convinced that he is super smart and philosophical when he's high (he's not) and he always raises the most fake deep questions ever. They try to listen to music together while they’re high, but they always end up arguing because Fugo wants to listen to Are You Experienced or Surrealistic Pillow or something, while Mista’s weed music is just like. Jimmy Buffett and The Beach Boys. If it's just him and Narancia, they usually end up cuddling and rambling to each other until they decide some word or phrase is funny. They will then just sit and say it over and over, echoing each other, and giggling like idiots until they fall asleep snuggled together.

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

Okay if you’ve seen at least one (1) of my posts before you’ll know this but. Mista takes a long time to recover from the events of Vento Aureo.

For starters, his relationship with Giorno is basically shattered. Even though he initially saw him as a younger brother figure, he loses all trust in him after discovering Bucciarati’s body, and he truly, genuinely hates him for a long time afterwards. He doesn’t bother caring for someone who showed him no sympathy in the aftermath of his loved ones’ deaths, and it’s only his desire for stability that keeps him loyal to his cause. They do make up eventually, but it takes years, and while they’re polite with each other, they’re never quite friends again.

He fights with Fugo a lot when he returns, too, but unlike with Giorno, they eventually rekindle their friendship. In fact, it’s arguably stronger now, after they’ve lost nearly everyone they loved. It’s always haunting, though, when they’re alone together, and there’s an ever-present void, an empty space that another person used to fill. Still, they lean on each other - and even though it stings when Fugo and Giorno fall in love, Mista grins and bears it. At least Fugo gets to have a happy ending.

Mista, on the other hand, doesn’t. He goes through a number of flings, hooks up with people here and there, but he never falls in love again after Narancia dies. He keeps telling himself he needs to get over it - what kind of person can’t get over the equivalent of their high school sweetheart? - but his mind, subtly or unsubtly, is always fixated on the way he loved him. He finds that the romantic comedies he used to love are hard to watch, nowadays; even if it’s just a movie, it’s painful seeing something that had once been so close, but is now far, far from his reach.

He grieves, and he processes his trauma, and he grows to live with it, eventually. But he’s never the same carefree, jovial person he used to be.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

Listen. I’m sick of seeing fanart where he’s a generic white skinny anime boy with short straight hair and a six pack. The Mista who lives in my head has textured curls and body/facial hair and is a little chubby and I’ll never change my mind on that.

Oh also y’know all that stuff I said about Narancia being dead? Yeah fuck that. They live in Mista’s apartment together and eventually they buy a house in the countryside, and it’s disorganized and cluttered but it’s their home. They play their music loud and dance together in the kitchen, and they grow old and love each other even more as the years go by. I don’t know if they’d have a kid, but if they did, I could see them having a son, and Mista would sing to him every night, and they’d frantically call each other into the room so they could watch his first steps, or hear his first word, or see something he built out of toy blocks. They’d be the coolest uncles to Fugio daughter also. Idk man they just deserved to find peace and happiness I think.

[ofwinslets]

                              𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐔𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

            statistics     •    pinterest     •    playlist

GENERAL DETAILS.

FULL NAME:  victoria winslet

NICKNAME(S):  vita, tori, v

NAME MEANING:  meaning "victory," victoria is of latin origin and the feminine variant of the masculine name, victor. in roman mythology, victoria is the goddess of victory.

THE SONG:  money power glory by lana del rey  

THE SECRET:  committed a hit and run during her stint as a party girl during her teen years & has yet to be faulted for the crime.

AGE:  thirty-one

DATE OF BIRTH:  september 25th

PLACE OF BIRTH:  london, england

CURRENT LOCATION:  parton, new york; been a resident for a little over a year.

ETHNICITY:  caucasian

GENDER:  cis woman

PRONOUNS:  she/her/hers

ORIENTATION:  bisexual, female lean.

RELIGION:  lapsed catholic

OCCUPATION:  broadcast journalist & political commentator

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS:  a relatively sizeable 3 bed, 2 1/2 bath flat.

FINANCIAL STATUS:  among the some of the top earners in her field, she can afford to spend as frivolously as she pleases.

SPOKEN LANGUAGES:  english, french, conversational spanish.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE, ETC.

FACECLAIM:  elizabeth debicki  

HAIR COLOR AND STYLE:  blonde, typically styled to frame her visage no matter the length.

COMPLEXION:  relatively fair & freckled during the summer months.

EYE COLOR:  rounded, steely blue.

HEIGHT & WEIGHT:  six foot, one hundred forty five pounds.

BODY AND BUILD:  ectomorphic; lithe limbs and an elegant gait.    

CLOTHING STYLE:  bordering on vintage and fashion forward. something of an aesthete, vita has an eye for the fineries of a well-tailored suit & prim silhouettes.

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS:  brooding visage  —  it's often what people note first about her.  

SIGNATURE SCENT:  cigarette smoke clung loosely to her clothing, veiled by the scent of tom cherry by tom ford.

HEALTH.

SLEEPING HABITS:  between work and endeavors outside of such, vita is hardly home enough to be entirely well-rested, but she hardly shows such outwardly.

EATING HABITS:  mostly rigid and plant based, but victoria has come to appreciate the simple fineries of a double cheese burger ( no ketchup. )

SOCIABILITY:  relatively high. not only for work, but in a general sense   —   though she quite likes being at home, a night out on the town is just as savored.

BODY TEMPERATURE:  she tends to run cold, and can often go long-sleeved in warmer weather.

ADDICTIONS:  narcotic abuse as a teen, though she's since been treated and recovered from said dependencies.  

DRUG USE:  none currently.

ALCOHOL USE:  a flute of champagne or a martini in most social situations, and wine with her dinner or after a long day.

PERSONALITY.

LABEL(S):  the agent of change. the virago. the willing victor.

POSITIVE TRAITS:  cogent   , perceptive, charming, versatile.

NEGATIVE TRAITS:  sanctimonious, judgmental, aloof, materialistic.

LIKES:  aged wine. red lipstick. horse-riding. working ( oddly enough. ) eclectic music. black coffee with a few cubes of sugar. art patronage.

DISLIKES:  the scent of lavender. large crowds. pork. sweltering weather. when her work bleeds into her personal life. arguing, though she's not above it.

FEARS:  a fall from grace  —  afterall, every great empire must fall.

HABITS:  straying from one end of a room to the other, or lingering in a doorway rather than seating herself. drumming her fingers when in thought. rambling about subjects she's passionate about.

GOALS AND AMBITIONS:  this world runs on money and influence. in the world of journalism, victoria is dedicated to make a new face for herself as one of the best in the business.

FAMILY, RELATIONSHIPS, ETC.

MOTHER:  marta winslet

FATHER:  reginald winslet  

SIBLING(S):  louis winslet ( aged 37 ), zacharias winslet ( aged 28 )  

PET(S):  a doberman named circe.

BIOGRAPHY.

(tldr till i finish the bio)   vita is born moneyed and was never completely able to detatch herself from the fact. she's the only daughter between two brothers and they ignite fury within one another as children. the winslet children are pitted against each other in a battle of thriving and withering. they would compete to be loved or be starved and wither without their parents attention. as victoria grew older, she outgrew the 'games' of her childhood. and yet, this ambition carried over into her pursuit of a career in journalism. though daddy's contacts surely helped, climbing the ladder of broadcasting  —  no less landing herself a position with the bbc  —  was a feat of her own making. newly transplanted from her roots in london, victoria now serves as one of the upcoming broadcasters & political commentators for the bbc branch in new york.

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

colleagues or fellow journalists & writers  /  girl gang (mostly just fellow girlbosses she can sunday brunch and gossip with)  /  superficial friends  /  acquaintances  /  fwb  /  flirtationship  /  ex-flings & partners  /  ex-fiance  /  frenemies  /  rivals

[mangacat201]

Oh my God You sparked what is probably, one of the longest discussions about tdj so far!!!!

Hahahaha, I'm glad. I have so many MANY meta thoughts as i watch all the time (for all my favorite shows) unfortunately I'm shit at puttinc them out into community posts. I'll try and be better.

But yeah, scrolling through the tag, the gif game is strong in that one but i missed the rambling meta posts. I'm glad we have had powwow now. And I'm also here if anyone has questions about more of the religious symbolism (i only skimmed the most obvious ones) for a recovering catholic

[cultivating-wildflowers]

Books of 2021, August

#54 - Anne of the Island by L.M. Montgomery (re-read) - 5/5 stars

Each of these books seems sweeter than the last. Even knowing how it ends, I was in agony over Anne continually rejecting Gilbert. I wept over Ruby and laughed with Phil and highlighted so many bits and pieces. The next book in the series is where I left off ages ago when I first picked up these books, so I’m doubly excited to get to it.

#55 - Anne of Windy Poplars by L.M. Montgomery - 4/5 stars

Had to get the audiobook for this one. It’s such a different style and tone in the beginning than the others in the series that it was a little difficult to keep engaged. I discovered only after that, while chronologically it’s the fourth in the series, it was the seventh published. It felt sleepy compared to the prequels.

#56 - Anne's House of Dreams by L.M. Montgomery - 5/5 stars

This whole series really is a love song to life, isn’t it? And we finally get a bit more of Anne and Gilbert’s romance, which is always great. Did enjoy that little twist near the end. (Honestly should have seen it coming.) As always, I adore the characters.

#57 - My Man Jeeves by P.G. Wodehouse - 4/5 stars

This book was plain fun. I read it as an audiobook during a slow period at work and kept struggling not to laugh out loud.

#58 - A Conspiracy of Kings by Megan Whalen Turner (re-read) - 4/5 stars

It’s taken me so long to get to this one that I finally caved and just listened to the audio again, making notes in my hard copy as I went. And then I listened to the whole thing in a day.

While this isn’t my favorite of the series, I do still very much love it (particularly the gun gag, but who doesn’t love that?). Sophos is in my top four favorite characters. The way he constantly tries to emulate Gen and constantly underestimates his own strength kills me every time. Also, while I love reading about Gen and Irene’s romance, Sophos and Helen’s is more what I crave, so of course I adore them.

#59 - A Wind from the Wilderness by Suzannah Rowntree - 3/5 stars

For the life of me I can’t remember where I first heard of this book. I know I ended up getting it on Kindle a while ago and then forgot about it until I was searching for a different book. Decided to read it on a whim and enjoyed it pretty well, overall. No I lied this story frustrated me to no end.

Like, for a while there I could kind of enjoy it. The romance felt a little forced to me, and the book had a couple of basic editing issues (might have been related to ebook formatting, really), but I enjoyed the historical setting and details (minus the inaccuracy about the size of an average Crusades-era warhorse), even if the plot didn’t really grab me.

Then a lot of stuff happened in quick succession near the end and I just kind of gave up. Here I was hoping for a slightly happy ending and did I get that? Oh, no.

I don’t plan to finish the series.

#60 - Eagle of the Ninth by Rosemary Sutcliff - 5/5 stars

This one ended up on my TBR after I saw it rec’d in the Queen’s Thief Fandom (I want to say it in someway inspired TQT but not 100% on that). Got it as an audibook and listened to it during a housework Saturday.

The audiobook was all of 4.5 hours, tops, and the narrative style is very easy to listen to. Not a lot of high action, but a solid adventure all the same. Reminded me a little of Stephen Lawhead but that could just be the Roman Britain setting.

There is a short series that follows, but I like this as a standalone.

(Tried recommending it to my dad since it seems in his taste, but he remembers the movie and I don’t think he liked that one. Said something about it being less accurate than Gladiator which is low abuse for him. So I don’t think he’d willingly read this.)

#61 - Children of the Mind by Orson Scott Card  - 4/5 stars

And that’s the first Ender series finished!

I listened to the first three in audio form (library didn’t have the audiobook for this) so actually reading was kind of weird. That and it’s been a while since I read the other books so half of the details were lost to the ether and I had to keep looking up summaries.

I really struggled with the first half of this book. Maybe I just wasn’t in the right mood for it, but it felt a little slow (that and I kept reading it before bed and falling asleep). It proved to be just as introspective and challenging and surprisingly emotional as the rest of the series. I love the way Card’s experiences and research are clearly evidenced, just off the page. I love how I’d be reading along and bam! Bit of poetry on the gentle and reliable nature of real love here; hilarious and witty dialogue there; oh, and we’re back to discussing the nature of humanity.

Yes, I definitely cried at one point, quite to my own (hormonal) surprise.

On one downside, while I like a lot of Card’s ideas and especially how he communicates those ideas, I do not like how he (or at least many of his characters) treats marriage. It’s a little too flippant for my taste. Especially among the cradle Catholics in his cast.

Also how DARE Card make me sympathize with Peter 2.0?

#62 - Adorning the Dark by Andrew Peterson - 4/5 stars (original ‘21 TBR)

My first nonfiction of the year! And wow, this one was good! (Yes it took me a while to get through but I kept getting distracted.) I’ll be coming back to this one again and again. So much wisdom here, and I love how Peterson writes like it’s a conversation with the reader. It’s such a warm, welcoming style.

It did get a little long-winded and rambly at points, hence the four stars.

(I definitely prefer this to his children’s fiction but that’s down to taste.)

#63 - Anne of Ingleside by L.M. Montgomery - 4/5 stars

My only true complaint of the series at this point is that SO MANY characters have been introduced up to now that I’ve lost track of all of them. Took me forever to remember who Rebecca Dew was.

As always, I adore Anne and her family.

#64 - Thick as Thieves by Megan Whalen Turner (re-read) - 4/5 stars

Listened to this at warp speed during work on the 31st. It remains my least favorite of the series (for whatever that’s worth). I miss Gen.

That said, there’s plenty I appreciate about this installment:  the different pantheon to explore, the myths and appearances from those gods and heroes, the fulfillment of Gen’s promise made to Costis in KOA, the shift from straight-up court intrigue and trickery to adventure, and getting to see Costis from an outside perspective that isn’t Gen’s.

It was also interesting reading this after finally getting ROTT and knowing now what was going on back on the Little Peninsula at the same time.

And HELLO PHERIS IS RIGHT FRICKIN THERE. No wonder I recognized his POV of that scene in ROTT. AND THE LETTER KAMET WRITES HIM.

DNF:

Fable by Adrienne Young - Irritating MC, bland story building, and I didn’t like where the romance was headed.

Heartless by Anne Elisabeth Stengl (original ‘21 TBR) - unsympathetic MC (another princess who complains about her lessons and her clothes and refuses to marry a man because he’s “stodgy” and “probably doesn’t read poetry” and “isn’t romantic”). Writing style wasn’t terrible, but didn’t hold my interest. Also the cat creeped me out. I read a book once that included a horse that was born without eyes and I have never recovered. (Several reviews also mentioned this was allegorical, though I’m not entirely sure how.)

[goldenkamuyhunting]

Ramblings and crazy theory time about GK chap 239 “Discharge”

So… well, Noda continues with a chapter whose sense of humor makes me feel what Kikuta is feeling.

Yeah, really, sorry, but this is not my sort of thing.

The cover is…

… well, it’s apparently based on this video from the movie “She Hate me” by Spike Lee. I warn you, watch at your own risk.

So we go back on the story that see Usami and our wannabe ‘Jack’ that after just a moment of standoff… pardon, jack-off attack each other with the ‘weapons they have at hands’ (I’m sure you can figure what I’m talking about without having me to spell it out), Usami yelling to a shocked and grossed out Kikuta that guy is the killer before… well, ‘firing’. In a “Matrix” like scene ‘Jack’ avoids and fires back only for Usami to avoid in a beyond spectacular manner.

Jack then runs away, only for Kikuta to pull out a more conventional weapon, one of his many Nagant M1895 and fire at him multiple times before chasing him with Usami, the two going to two separate ways to try to encircle ‘Jack’.

Too bad that Jack as a horse and, with it, slams against Usami, sending him flying.

Kikuta manages to hit both him...

and his hat, which falls.

If the image we’re shown is reliable Jack has short hair. Kikuta then tosses his now completely discharged beloved Nagant away (his eyes aren’t shown to better deliver how this pains him... will he managed to recover her later?)...

...and runs to ‘Jack’, managing to grab on him and climb on his horse. He then grabs another of his Nagant (honestly, if this was another manga I’ll expect Kikuta to have a hammerspace filled with them but more ‘realistically’ he has just more than one holster under his coat) and point it to Jack’s head.

Unluckily for him ‘Jack’ still has a good hold on his ‘very personal peculiar weapon of choice’ and is reading it to fire.

Kikuta, who might face an army of Russians trained to kill him but not THIS (and I don’t blame him that’s a job solely for people like Usami though I think Ushiyama might do good as well) starts sweating and, instead than blasting our convict’s head away, tries protecting himself with poor results.

In fact ‘Jack’ gets him in the eyes and causes him to fall off the horse (I guess congratulation are in order to ‘jack’ for his ability to accurately aim behind himself while riding on a horse with such weapon).

Usami reaches Kikuta, whcih complains ‘Jack’ managed to get his eyes (trust me Kikuta, you aren’t the only one who was screaming ‘my eyes!’ through this chapter), then the two resume running after ‘Jack’ but they’re neither Koito nor the Tsukinator and so ‘Jack’ on his horse, can easily distance them. They hear a woman screaming but get there too late, only to find her dead.

Kikuta wonders if he did this while in the middle of running from them. The scene switches to a running and panting ‘Jack’ who evidently has discharged the horse and, with his already bloody knife attacks another prostitute, murdering her as well.

I wonder if he’s panting also due to the shoot he got from Kikuta. He doesn’t seem to be blending though. On a sidenote our ‘Jack’ confirms himself to be left-handed. The first time he killed he used his left, he took care to… ‘charge his gun’ with his left and now he’s stabbing again this woman with his left.

It’s worth to point out that Japan at the time wasn’t a left-handed people friendly environment, with people being discriminated and people were afraid they wouldn’t get married if they were left handed and only from 1989 the percentage of children undergoing correction steadily began to drop -- although still around 60%... and it’s also worth to remember Japan isn’t the sole country which had bias against left-handed people.

I’ll quote Wikipedia on this just to give you a general idea as I find meaningful they even have a page devoted to this:

‘In many religions, including Christianity, the right hand of God is the favored hand. For example, Jesus sits at God's right side. God's left hand, however, is the hand of judgement. The Archangel Gabriel is sometimes called "God's left hand" and sits at God's left side. Those who fall from favor with God are sent to left, as described in Matthew 25: 32–33, in which sheep represent the righteous and goats represent the fallen: "And he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats. And he shall set the sheep on his right, but the goats on his left." In 19th-century Europe, homosexuals were referred to as "left-handed". In Protestant-majority parts of the United Kingdom, Catholics were called "left-footers", and vice versa in Catholic-majority parts of Ireland and Irish America. Black magic is sometimes referred to as the "left-hand path", which is strongly associated with Satanism.’ [Wikipedia: Bias against left-handed people]

… so, if ‘Jack’ is from another country there’s a huge chance he moved from an unfriendly environment to another.

It’s worth to mention that the original ‘Jack the Ripper’ was originally assumed to be left-handed when they speculated he would kill his victims standing in front of them. Later they figured out he first would render his victims unconscious by strangling them and then kill them while they were on the ground, likely positioning himself behind them so that blood wouldn’t fall on him.

So either our ‘Jack’ isn’t the original ‘Jack’ or Noda is constructing him according to earlier theories on his modus operandi (he doesn’t strangle, he kills the victim as she’s standing in front of himself, he uses his left hand).

Now, back to the story… I got the impression Kikuta managed to hit ‘Jack’ when he shoot him… but ‘Jack’ doesn’t seem to be leaving a trail of blood as he walks so it’s hard to say if he’s panting and running that way due to a wound whose bleeding he managed to stop or just due to fatigue.

It’s the day after.

Takuboku Ishikawa, our journalist working for Hijikata, is on one of the crime scenes,

still pesteringon details about the murder the weird policeman we met in chap 239 (remember him?)...

...while the latter is ignoring him. The policeman has the hat lowered on his eyes.

There’s another known face and it’s the photographer.

(Remember? He was there too and lol, in the exact some pose it looks as if Noda has copypasted him there.)

He doesn’t seem to be left-handed but since left-handed people were corrected, in everyday life ‘Jack’ probably can’t use his left hand so it might be useless to search for a left-handed guy using his left hand in a normal situation.

Everyone else among the bystanders seems to be a new guy... okay, maybe the old and partially bald guy might be the same in both pictures but I’m not sure. In this chapter he seems curious but, who knows, he might be a different character just drawn for background. Besides his hair seems too long to be ‘Jack’s’.

Well, to be honest there’s another guy who’s not a new guy but we’ll get to this in a moment.

Kikuta comments ‘Jack’ this time killed two women and wonders if he was just trying to create chaos to escape or was merely doing it to taunt them. According to ‘sperm detective Usami’ it can be just something he decided in advance.

It’s worth to mention the canonical victims of the original ripper were:

Mary Ann Nichols, found on the 31th of August 1888

Annie Chapman, found on the 8th of September 1888

Elizabeth Stride and Catherine Eddowes, both found on the 30th of September

Mary Jane Kelly, found on the 9th of November 1888

So yes, on his third murdering attempt Jack killed two women so we can speculate this is a copycat or, if he’s meant to be the real Jack, his backstory would include a reason to murder 2 women at his third attempt (in the real Jack’s case it was speculated he murdered 2 because he was interrupted during the murder of the first woman so it wasn’t planned).

Anyway Kikuta wonders if Jack will come back and how it’ll be troublesome for them to track him now that he has 4 ‘sacred places’.

However Kikuta now tells us something relevant. He managed to get a look at the side of his face… and at his dick. I hope he doesn’t plan to go demand people to show them to him so he could identify ‘Jack’…

Usami suggests they’ll go check the other crime scene so that Kikuta might try to spot him. Kikuta though, has spotted something else so he tells Usami to go ahead that that he’ll join him later.

What Kikuta has spotted is the ‘fail master of disguise’ Private First Class Ariko Rikimatsu, which starts sweating as hell as Kikuta speaks to him and who tells him not to turn around and that basically he could recognize the sexy bulky build of Ariko’s body everywhere.

Okay, Kikuta didn’t exactly said that but really, there are PLENTY of men with a bulky build so, unless Kikuta is a bulky build bodies expert, his words sounds a bit… unbelievable unless it’s Ariko’s bulky build body itself who’s special to him.

And anyway, really Ariko, don’t get so nervous. You fail at deceiving people it seems.

Kikuta says he never heard Tsurumi talking about Ariko being there so he asks him if he came there with Hijikata.

We don’t get to hear Ariko’s reply but it’s likely he confirmed it. Still it’s interesting it was cut as well as the fact Kikuta wanted to speak with Ariko away from Usami’s ears.

Did Kikuta want clarifications on why Ariko betrayed him? Or just make sure Usami won’t attack him again? Or has Kikuta his own plan?

We’ll see.

And is Ogata overlooking that meeting from somewhere? I bet he knows Ariko isn’t trustworthy so can it be he’s keeping tabs on him? Or is Hijikata who’s doing so? Or both?

Anyway the scene switches to the coast of the sea of Okhotsk…

and I find this interesting because we see that there’s a city there… but we aren’t given its name. As long as they weren’t Ainu villages Noda had always given us the names of the places in which the characters were from big cities to minor spots like, for example, the village of Fukagawa, regardless of them spending a lot of time on the place or just a chapter, like the coal mining town of Utashinai.

When this first happen in chap 225

I though it was because Tsurumi was on the move, from coastal city to another, although it really didn’t persuade me… and maybe it could also be Noda for some reason didn’t have material on that part of Hokkaido so the whole thing would be edited in the volume version with the name of the place. However quite a while has gone from chap 225 and we still don’t have an EXACT idea of where he is, not even through a map.

There are big cities on that coastal area, from Wakkanai, the city ship on which Asirpa rode was supposed to reach, to Okoppe to the well known Abashiri… but also various small cities.

They could have said he’s still in the Wakkanai area instead…

Is there a reason to leave us in the dark even when Tsurumi clearly is in Japanese cities?

Is it a Watsonian reason or a Doylist one?

Anyway Tsurumi informs his men he received a telegram from Kikuta (who therefore knew in which city he was and this means either Tsurumi warned him where to find him day by day or he’s not exactly moving around a lot).

He doesn’t tell us what Kikuta said but that he’ll only leave two men behind to continue searching for Asirpa (meaning he hadn’t figured she has long moved from the coastal area) and the rest will go with Tsurumi to Sapporo.

The final page shows both Tsurumi and Hijikata (who’s apparently outside the city looking at something… Ogata practicing with the rifle? Ariko secretly meeting with Kikuta? Sugimoto’s group ALSO coming to Sapporo?).

The implication seems to be that Ariko has tattled out Hijikata’s presence in Sapporo and Kikuta has relied the information to Tsurumi therefore Tsurumi plans to go there and have a faceoff with Hijikata.

Tsurumi didn’t see the need to move for just a convict but if it’s Hijikata, who might have the remaining tattooed skins as well as info... well, the thing becomes much more interesting.

So with everyone being or going to Sapporo, I wonder if Sofia (currently in Hokkaido), the candy seller convict (last time seen in Utashinai) and the still missing convict (whereabouts unknown) will also go there.

Only 3 more chapters are needed to end volume 24 but I wouldn’t dislike it if, before the end, Hijikata and Ogata were to have a chat. This volume showed us some of Sugimoto’s past.

More on Ogata’s past would also be appreciated but, if I’ve to be honest, I’m also looking forward to more info about Kikuta and about Kadokura.

When Hijikata finds the room in which Inudo kept all the material he had collected about him in his fangirlish obsession to get Hijikata, we can see on the wall a list of all the convicts that had been cellmates with Hijikata but also Kadokura’s name.

Or better ‘Kadokura Tanuki’ (門倉タヌキ), Tanuki being the nick Inudou gave to Kadokura.

Let’s start with this.

A Tanuki (狸 or タヌキ) is a Japanese folklore animal, commonly associated with the Japanese raccoon dog,  which in folktales often played the part of foolish animal, often with really big testicles (that’s why Inudou said he pictured him as pathetic Tanuki with big balls in chap 118)… however if we compare it to the Kitsune (fox), which are the epitome of shape-changing animals, one saying is "the fox has seven disguises, the tanuki has eight (狐七化け、狸八化け)". The tanuki is thus superior to the fox in its disguises, but unlike the fox, which changes its form for the sake of tempting people, tanuki do so to fool people and make them seem stupid. Note that 8 is a lucky number, which might tied to how Kadokura is actually lucky. However it’s also worth to mention the kanji used to write Tanuki (prior to the linguistic reform of 1947) was "貍", and referred to all the middle sized mammals, especially to wild cats.

So… why all this rambling?

Well, not only Inudo didn’t write down Kadokura’s name, just the surname plus his nick but near Kadokura’s name there’s also written ‘real father’ and then what look like 4 kanji, none of them similar to the kanji used to write Kadokura’s surname.

So basically not only we don’t know Kadokura’s name but also Kadokura’s surname and we’re facing someone who, for association, is compared to an animal much more expert at disguising than the fox (Inkamart).

Now I wouldn’t question Kadokura’s loyalty to Hijikata. In vol 18 he was willing to die to save him. He also seems confident he’s unlucky… and he might have been forced to change surname because his father was on the losing side of the Boshin and therefore carrying his father’s surname would have been bad for him.

The point is if not even his surname is… well, his surname, Kadokura is a men shrouded in mystery, about whom we know nothing except he moved to Abashiri 7 years ago, with Sugimoto commenting he’d been looking over Nopperabou by 7 years… meaning he moved there when Nopperabou moved there (note that Asirpa said the gold incident happened 5 years before but then everyone when with the 7 year thing so maybe there was a retcon).

In short maybe this is all for fun and the truth behind Kadokura is nothing special… but it can also be there’s much more to him it looks like. We’ll see.

[kadavernagh]

Autopsy || Solo

The evening after Fate’s Edge. TW for suicide.

Regan always thought there were two ways to view death. One -- a horrible loss of life, a goodbye, an unstoppable force, something that put next of kins’ lives on pause until rites were fulfilled and hopes of an eternal afterlife were sparked. Most people fell under that category. But in her discipline, you were supposed to look at death objectively. It was an event giving rise to a series of tasks, all to converge on answers. Detachment was as necessary a tool in the work of a forensic pathologist as latex gloves and scalpels. 

And that was all shot to hell now, wasn’t it? How was she to stay detached? 

She’d made it back to her apartment. A confused first responder drove her back, rambling about a scream that seemed to shake the town. Regan strained to keep dots from being connected. Ignored that her throat was on fire. Ignored that her whole body seemed to slow down, pulse not jumping along with her panic. Ignored the smear of blood her back left against the car’s seat cushion, the pain between her scapulae.

She wasn’t even at the day’s summit yet. Back inside, she knew what needed to be done. Regan made difficult phone calls every day. She was used to people spitting venom at her, accusing her of being uncaring or callous. She wasn’t used to hearing Reilly break down in sobs, or having Al’s mouth clamp shut for minutes at a time. There were questions about the funeral, about the body. It wouldn’t be recovered; the sea had it, and they were unlikely to see it again, even washed up on some shore weeks later. Cause and manner of death were obvious; the body wasn’t needed. But Sean Kavanagh counted himself Catholic, and it would have mattered to him, she thought. But then, he’d made that jump.

Reilly wanted to drive over. Al wanted to fly in. They wanted a wake, a service, time spent together. They needed to tell mom. Who was going to tell mom? Reilly appointed himself in charge of everything -- something Regan would have normally challenged him on, but not today. He insisted on Augusta. Regan agreed. 

She needed to shower, to wash the blood and salt and guilt away. The pain was almost physical, though she wasn’t sure why. Al always liked to remind her that the brain was an organ like any other, and the mind was a product of the brain. Trauma, guilt, death. Surely that was it. With a shaky sigh, Regan stripped down. The source of the tearing pain along her spine was made clear. Huge, horrible insectile wings shook themselves free from her shirt. Four of them, stained red from blood and reaching down to her knees. She stared, shaking. She gave one a light tap, and it twitched. No no no no. Not real. They can’t be real. Regan clawed at them, the pain shooting down her vertebrae like lightning.

Of course, she screamed. The sound was a violent hurricane, the same inhuman wail that’d forced her to the ground and made her throat bleed. The mirror shattered. Every lightbulb in the apartment winked out, the TV screen punched in, there were explosions from the kitchen cabinets. The windows, oddly, were intact. The whole apartment complex seemed to groan from the aural assault, its old foundation shaking.

And then, silence. And darkness.

She was on the floor, grabbing for the towels on the rack to scramble back up. If she could just check the mirror again, everything would be normal -- it’d be in one piece, she wouldn’t have -- but she tripped over one of the wings, shards of glass slicing into her heels. Regan slipped back down, occiput clunking against the tiled bathroom floor.

Hallucinating. The word rang through her skull like a funeral bell.

Of fucking course, she was hallucinating.  

[jurijurijurious]

History ramble: the Northern Rebellion 1569

I've read 3-and-a-bit books about Sir Francis Walsingham within a week — the warm weather and being furloughed until next week has left me with plenty of free time and so it seemed apt to delve into my expansive history book collection which needs to be read.

I find that the milestones of Walsingham's timeline are becoming clearer in my head, more, now than ever before, probably just because I've read so much in a short time and it's fresh. I find it both interesting and a little bit frustrating to read so many different takes on the same event/thing though — I think, once upon a time, when I was young and foolish, I thought I could read a history book and then know history, so to speak, but this is bollocks — all you know is one person's perception and opinion on history; it's not until you read another book on the same topic that you hear an alternative take/view and realise that you still, in fact, probably know very little.

Aside from this, there's a certain event which happened in Walsingham's lifetime which I keep stumbling on and somehow feel that it's impact has been lost: the Northern Rebellion.

Stepping back a second, I think it's fair to say, if you were raised in England, and whether or not you like history, you have no doubt heard of "Bloody Mary" and her propensity to burn Protestants. In truth, it is alleged she burned under 300 people during her reign for religious heresy. It would be too simple to call her a monster or condemn her outright as we need to take into context the era, the mindset, the laws, and so on and so forth — of course, burning is a terrible way to go whichever way you look at it — but I feel that we need to pause to compare and critically look at the events which happened during her half-sister's reign, which successful propaganda and rose-tinted-spectacled-patriotism have over the many years left us with an image of having been "a golden age".

Catholics were certainly entrapped and killed during Elizabeth's reign, and the numbers of Catholics killed weren't drastically fewer, I think I'm right in saying, than the Protestants burned by Mary. (I think this point was raised in History's Greatest Fibs on the BBC fairly recently by Lucy Woirsley?) But the point of comparison in human loss in Elizabeth's reign which I feel perhaps warrants more attention is that which resulted from the Northern Rebellion.

In 1569, the Northern Catholic magnates, Neville and Percy, armed their tenants, gathered together and marched on Durham. I won't go into the complexities of it all, but there was a essentially a scheme hatched to free Mary of Scots who was by this point a prisoner in England. The rebellion managed to kick the royalists out of Barnard Castle (funny these places have been in the news recently for very different reasons!) before they retreated back to Durham once they got wind that the Queen's forces were being levied in London to march.

In short, the "rebellion" fizzled out, but Elizabeth was not happy and apparently ordered 700 of the rebels to be executed. 700! Ultimately, fewer than this were executed — but imagine if she had got her way. Those 300 burnings over 5 years pale in comparison to this one act of sweeping vengeance in 1569. I can't find a figure for how many men were hanged in the end, but my books' claims vary with vague ideas of it having been "scores" or "hundreds", and they also claim that the loss of so many men in so short a time meant that the economy in the area did not recover for nearly 200 years.

And yet this event is summarised in a few paragraphs in each of my Walsingham books. Maybe it wasn't relevant enough to Walsingham's life to warrant more analysis in biographies on him — he wasn't secretary of state at this point and indeed was only just on the bottom rungs of the ladder so to speak at this point. I wonder if I go get some books specifically about Elizabeth rather than Walsingham if the Rebellion might be given more attention. Still when I consider all the big things we know of Elizabeth's reign through popular culture alone, which is mainly the armada, Shakespeare, Robert Dudley, pomp and pageantry, I find it astonishing that we don't think it's important to also mark this event in Elizabeth's reign? I'm sure the North probably haven't forgotten, but it's conveniently brushed over by history otherwise.

I guess we could argue that when comparing this to Bloody Mary and her Protestant martyrs it was a totally different set of circumstances, that one would expect losses when people mobilise against the ruling monarch with an aim to displace them, and I certainly know very well that we have to be careful about judging Medieval-cum-Renaissance rulers with modern standards — but I think my thoughts were more centring on the fact that we have long tarred Mary I as being "bloody" due to her Protestant purges which amounted to around 300 deaths, and yet in the same breath glorify her half-sister Elizabeth as "Gloriana" when she had in one case alone wanted to kill 700 insurgents against her crown — and though fewer than this number died, the results of her vengeance still ultimately meant that a Northern economy was left decrepit for two centuries. It's a sobering thought.

Ultimately, there are no black and white "good and bad guys" in history; there are just people and their choices.

--x-posted to http://jurious.livejournal.com/

[peachcitt]

for the meta writing asks: 20 and 4? ☺️

okay so thank you so much for asking these questions and wanting to know more about how i write and basically im saying ilysm and also that this got really really long SO if you’d like to hear about the stuff i think about/thought about while writing, click the read more!!

warning for: bone tea spoilers (like. spoilers for the end of the fic) and some mention of religion

20. tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

let’s talk about bt! because god knows there’s a whole lot in there that i could talk about for hours BUT let’s talk specifically about gabriel and lila - our two favorite villains. NOW if you haven’t read bt (you can read it here) and don’t mind being hella spoiled for how it ends, gabriel is the father of adrien, one of the main protagonists, and lila is an ex-lover of marinette, the other main protagonist. throughout the whole story, i made it so that the relationships marinette and adrien have with gabriel and lila remain really complicated.

at the start of bt, we know adrien has cut himself off from his father and hasn’t seen him in years. as the story progresses, adrien and gabriel begin to make the steps of re-establishing a father-son relationship, and it’s something that adrien really does seem to feel good about. and then gabriel tells him that he’s hawkmoth, the guy who’s been killing people. so that’s not great.

for marinette, we’re given the sense that she’s been very isolated for a while, at least in the world of magic. when shit hits the fan, lila comes along, and it’s revealed that the relationship marinette and lila had before bt was a very passionate one that ended very badly. when chat confesses to marinette, we learn that in some ways, marinette still hasn’t recovered from the relationship she had with lila. and it turns out, lila joins up with hawkmoth for the sole reason of ruining marinette in any way she possibly can as revenge for breaking her heart. so that’s also not great. 

here’s bits from the final fight scene, aka the scene where both gabriel and lila are defeated:

Within seconds, his body was dropping unceremoniously to the floor, his life buzzing around amongst her teeth, and she was turning around, sparing no glances to the limp form of the man who had killed her friends, killed her other half. 

//

Marinette’s eyes widened. She and Lila both turned their heads to Adrien, pushing himself up from the floor. There was a determined light in his eyes, and Marinette knew. She knew he was going to do it, and he was going to do it right.

“To worlds far and unreturnable-”

Lila also seemed to know.

She turned her head back to Marinette, desperate, unhinged. She raised her arms, the blood and the silver glinting.

“BEGONE!”

it might be a little hard to tell since these are very small snippets, but here’s what i wanted to point out: in this final fight, marinette is the one to defeat gabriel, and adrien is the one to defeat lila. in a sense, marinette and adrien defeated each other’s antagonist.

in the final scene, they felt that they had literally no other choice; adrien was dead, gabriel offered his life, and marinette knew that was the only viable option for adrien to come back. marinette was pinned down, lila had the upper hand, and adrien knew marinette wouldn’t say the words in time to save herself. this was, to me, the ultimate symbol of adrien and marinette’s partnership and relationship; they always had each other’s backs, they were always balancing each other out.

but, i also felt that i was robbing the both of them the chance to feel closure for the abuse they each suffered. despite everything, adrien loved gabriel (his last words before dying were “i love you” directed toward the entire room - not just marinette, not just emilie, but also to gabriel) and marinette loved lila (even when she was inhabiting another body, marinette could still see lila behind it all - her last words to her, and presumably the last words she thought she would ever say were “i loved you; with everything i had, i loved you”)

SO let’s look at two moments from the final chapter:

After a moment, Adrien took a deep breath, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Is he still here?” he asked, and Marinette nodded. Adrien stared down at the grave, eyebrows furrowed. “Go now, Father,” he said softly, almost gently. “Go.”

Gabriel opened his mouth as if to say something in protest, and then he swallowed, glancing at Marinette and Emilie. He bowed his head, and he faded away, out of sight.

“He’s gone,” Adrien whispered. It wasn’t a question.

//

She rubbed her thumb over the little fix insignia, and she murmured the spell to wipe the hex away under her breath. When she pulled her hand away, the fox was gone, and so were all the traces of Lila’s magic. “It’s done,” she said, and she resolutely placed the book back into its proper place.

“Done?” Adrien asked, and Marinette nodded.

“Yeah. She’s gone.” And it was like a little weight had lifted off of her shoulders.

again, it might be a little hard to tell in these small snippets, but here’s what happened: at gabriel’s funeral, gabriel’s ghost shows up and adrien is the one to send him away for good. at marinette’s bookshop, marinette finds an old hex that lila left on one of the books from a while back, and she is the one to wipe away the hex.

so, through these small final scenes, i tried to give adrien and marinette the opportunity to say goodbye to the people they both loved and hated on their own terms. it was important for me to show that they saved each other without question in the final fight, but it was just as if not more important for me to give them each the space and peace so that they could come to terms with and turn the page on their past traumas.

dkjdkdskdkd that was basically a whole ass essay im sorry gnjfghjf BUT ive been wanting to ramble about that ever since i finished bt so THANK YOU for letting me do that

(ive also been thinking about maybe doing a bt reread before/after i post the special extra chapters where i reread bt and make comments like this about the thoughts i had while writing so let me know if any of y’all would like to see that!!) anyways next question sjffkj

4. share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

"We are all God's things, all made of the same materials as everything else. There is a piece of Rome here, and there is a piece of here in Rome. The divinity does not lie in the place, but rather in the hands that shaped the place."

"Construction workers and artists that died hundreds of years ago made Rome," Will said, and Hannibal turned his eyes on him. A tumbling sort of feeling fell upon Will's stomach. "The company down the road made this one."

"Aren't the hands of God's people holy? Aren't the thoughts born from their brains pieces of the clay that He shaped, breathed life into?"

this is from my hannigram fic the dark and the stained glass watchers and there’s a couple of reasons why im proud of this, the first being that i was very drunk when i wrote this fic sfkjhsfkj 

literally i got drunk and i was like. hm i think i will write something gay and kind of blasphemous and then i wrote this fic that has a lot of really really good lines in it that i actually genuinely enjoy sober (if you haven’t watched hannibal and are curious about this fic - don’t worry you can read it if you want! it’s an au, so you don’t actually have to know anything about the show to read it)

im also proud of this bit because i have a sort of complicated relationship with religion skfjkfdk i was raised catholic which, as many know, has the ability to do wonders on your psyche in the long run in certain cases, and ive never really felt very connected to church or that strict sort of religion in general. im still not really sure exactly what i believe, to be honest - but i like to believe in the idea of holiness, of divinity. and, in this blasphemous gay hannibal fanfiction i wrote while drunk, i feel like in some ways i was finally able to put words to the things in my head regarding religion and belief in a way that i think is really beautiful. and im lowkey pretty proud of that.

anyway thank you so much for allowing me to ramble on about this stuff i love you and everyone who managed to read through all of this skjfghsfjh y’all are so strong 

[spale-vosver]

A Year In Review: 2018 Edition

I don’t normally make my own posts here, nor are they ever personal (I say as though I make posts at all), but since the year is very close to being over—in fact, as I’m writing this it’s 11:02 PM on December 31st—I wanted to look back at where I’ve been and where I still have to go; review the year, basically.

2018 was one hell of a bumpy year for me, though bumpy isn’t inherently bad. I met some amazing friends (you’ll all be mentioned later on) and at the same time lost and almost lost some amazing ones, whether it was to them moving away or my own mistakes. I got involved in so many new things I’d never done before: I got fully involved in theatre, I got kind of maybe in shape, I started caring about my health, I met so many new people both irl and online, I asked my (now ex but still best friend) girlfriend out for the first time it was honestly so new to me and coming out of my shell was an experience I needed.

As the year progressed and school wrapped up, though, I started to wane a bit. Anyone who knows me knows that summer wasn’t great mental health, especially since I was cooped up inside all day doing absolutely nothing but watching YouTube and playing way too much Crusader Kings, and everyone I interacted with felt the effects. I wasn’t nearly as accountable for my own health as I should have been, and I ended up hurting the same amazing people I’d met that year. Truth be told, I’ve still not fully recovered from those mistakes, and though I know no one holds it against me, they’re still some of my biggest regrets. Even now I’m still making them, but each time I make one, it’s less severe than the last time, and each time progressively less and less bad, so I’m improving, though not as fast as I want to, and unfortunately that speed won’t be achieved until I finally start CBT.

Speaking of that, this year wasn’t totally awful on the mental health front, though, considering I both went to a gender therapist to speak about advancements in my transition and was properly diagnosed with anxiety and depression and probably autism, and I can finally start treatment for them. When I do, my own efforts won’t be in vain, and I’ll hopefully have a leg up on whatever treatment I start. I just hope it comes soon, though, because seasonal depression can actually kiss my ass and no, Pennsylvania, 11 days is NOT a suitable amount of time for a break.

Anyways, now on to the real gushy stuff where I @ my friends and acquaintances and tell them how much I lurvvvv them. So, starting off with who I met first:

@thefunrepository/Camille/pash: When you let me join your discord server, I met some of the best people and best friends I’ve ever had, and for that, I’m eternally grateful. Even though you’ve now left that server, when you were there, you tolerated so much of my incessant rambling and @ing and my overall teenage boy-i-ness, but you never made me feel excluded, and I loved every second of it. Thank you so much for even tolerating me, because when I joined and was even just talking to you, that was what I needed most. (P.S.: here’s a New Years resolution for you: FINISH A WIP thanks bye I love you)

@xinnic: my fellow Irish Catholic fam, you’ve been nothing but supportive of me and my work from day one, and I can’t count how many nights over the pretty-shitty summer I spent cooling down by rambling to you about my gay trash kids and my gay trash WIP. Likewise, I’ve never gotten tired of your ramblings about your gay trash kids and your gay trash WIP, and your rambles have singlehandedly made me weak for Roísín in 1000 different ways. You’ve always been there when I needed to talk or reference something, and when you bring your meme game, it’s top tier. I remember almost crying when you started the binder squad, and though it’s no longer around, I still appreciate it. Thank you so much for caring and just being you.

@lilquill: man, oh man do we have a weird relationship. I honestly kind of thought you were annoying at first and no that’s not unique to you but I also warmed up to you really quickly. Your energy levels are unmatched and no matter how tired I am, your ability to somehow shout over text fixes that. You’ve spearheaded so many weird and memorable moments for the hell server, including the readings that led us to our voice reveals, to the ACOTRASH find and replace kerfuffle, and so many other things. Besides that, you’ve been a great friend, always pushing me to do better and be better and calling me out when necessary; I may not show it the best, but I appreciate all of it, and I probably wouldn’t be who I am right now without you. You’re also one of the bravest and most outspoken people I know, with the whole whiteblr deal only proving how willing you are to speak out against bullshit and bigotry. Thank you so much for your undying support of me and of everyone else, and I only hope to be as badass as you someday.

@gingerly-writing: ok please don’t be upset that yours is slightly shorter than everyone else’s but I wasn’t around you as much SO. You’re an insanely talented writer and memeing at you as well as sharing my writing has been so fun. I annoy you so much but you still manage to tolerate me and honestly that’s insanely commendable. I want to see you succeed in all of your projects this year and the next and the next and so on, as well as continue giving amazing advice; when you told me I was really good at characterisation, it was the first time I’d ever gotten proper writing advice, and I’ll cherish it always. Thank you for being a pal and dealing with mine (and someone else’s who we’ll mention later) shenanigans.

@olympusrox123: Sian, you fucking Aussie meme, I love you so much and you won’t get this until later because you’re on a goddamn plane but oh well. You’re insanely funny and smart, and you’ve made me laugh so many times I can’t keep count. When you took part in the name change shenanigans on discord, that was when I knew you were A Top Tier Meme and someone I could send only my freshest. Apart from that, you’re so sweet and have always been interested in what I have to say; plus, I love screaming at you about whatever and whenever and that time we read the Sherlock fic? Godly. Anyways, I just want to say that I heckin love you and that I hope you stay just as you are. Thank you for being you.

@ardentlythieving: oh man oh man oh man my ultimate meme buddy. My compadre. Second member of the three Memesketeers. The shit we’ve gotten up to together is amazing and I’ve loved every second of it. From the day we met we’ve been basically inseparable members, despite your penchant for backstabbing and betraying my meme plans due to your chaotic neutral nature, and every memey thing we’ve done together and every in joke we’ve made has been one of the most memorable meme moments of my life. You’ve always been there when I wanted or needed to just let loose my chaotic energy, and the fact that you just sort of adopted me into both your meme house and your internet family in general has made me so happy. I’ve loved playing SWTOR with you and talking about Thrawn with you and sending you the worst shit I can find, and I wouldn’t trade a second of it. Thank you for being your memey-ass self, and if I don’t get even better memes this year I’m flying to your hell-sheep-rock-land to fight you.

@thornheartcat: we’re waaaaay too fucking similar for our own good. To our taste in video games and anime (max weebage) to our experiences with ASD, I’ve found so many ways to relate to you, which has made talking to you so fun. And that’s another thing: you’re older than me by a lot, but you’ve never treated me any differently, which has meant so much to me. You’ve always put me on equal ground with you and the rest of your friends, and have tolerated my fuckery since day 1, even if you do have some questionable choices in media you enjoy. The long and short of it is, you’re hella rad and hella nerdy, and I love nerding out with you. Thank you for seeing past my age and treating me just like anyone else.

@catcatamelia: chaotic Aussie lesbian says what??? Amelia you’re fucking great and so talented and so creative, and you’re so much fun to be around. I love playing shitty and good video games with you, as well as just talking and memeing back and forth and watching you draw; you’re so amazingly multitalented and interesting that I never get bored around you. I wish that we could hang out via the interwebs more, but bullshit scheduling is bullshit scheduling and whatcha gonna do. You’ve also always been there to comfort me because, like so many of my amazing friends, we share so many issues and commonalities that you always know just what to say. Thank you for never being afraid to open up and just be your wild self. Please never change.

@sea-reader: I left you for last because I have the most to say to you. Our relationship has been up and down in the almost one year we’ve known each other, and it’s mostly due to me. Since we started talking on discord, I’ve always loved listening to you talk about whatever; you always bring your own energy and passion to it, and even if it’s about stuff I don’t know a whole ton about, I’m never bored listening to you talk about it. You’re funny, and smart, and talented, and I’m so glad to have met you in the first place. You were a major factor in helping me out of my shell; there wasn’t a day that went by in the first half of this year where I didn’t mention you in some capacity to someone I knew because you’d said something hilarious or really smart or had brought some new idea I’d never thought of to the table or just done something. Was it the most healthy thing in the world? No, and looking back on it we started getting unhealthy even before The Thing That I’m Not Going To Mention In Public, but we’re continuing to grow and improve even to this day, and for that I’m forever thankful. You could have easily shut me out after that incident, but you didn’t; you gave me a second chance that I’ve rarely ever gotten, and I’m so, so glad. I know we likely won’t ever be as close as we once were, nor will we be able to talk like we once did, but that’s okay, because it doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be us, and it has to be healthy, and that’s enough for me. I love you more than I can say, just like everyone else, and I can only hope 2019 brings the best for the both of us. Thank you for being a friend, Lori, because our relationship, the good and the bad, was part of what I needed and got from all of the people I interacted with and met this year. Happy New Year, you dork.

If I missed anyone, please forgive me; it’s now 7 minutes to 2019, and I’m rushing. Tl;dr; Happy New Years, everyone. Be a little better, because you can be, even if you don’t think so.

-Geoff.