#ramblings and musings

[piinkchocolat]

Just realized that akios office has big window arches, allowing anyone to see in, but most importantly, for akio to keep watch. It's a show of status and power.

It also made me think of how anyone could see in, but it's so far up you would need to be looking really closely to really know what's going on. Something something how this relates to akios abuse of anthy, and abusive victims in general. Something something untrained eyes don't recognize abuse

[thesargasmicgoddess]

Adventure Reflections...✈️🌏

I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that I will be overseas again in 3 weeks. How has it been a year since last summer already?

The preparation and anticipatory anxiety for trips are always the worst for me. Nothing ever feels done or prepared, but it's gotten better with time and experience. As someone who suffered from severe agoraphobia in my 20's, I consider every adventure a huge win for me and my mental health.

And not once have I regretted an adventure.

But for now.....I'm just giving myself grace to take in what a crazy, blessed, and full 12 months it's been. But I'm taking downtime in July, finally 🙌🏻 🎉

Happy Wednesday, peeps!

[sargasmicgoddess]

I'm sorry.

I should have made more of an effort to be communicative. To tell you what was unfolding.

I'm very happy to see you thriving.

Hi~

It took me a second, but I think I may know who you are. If you are who I think you are, then thank you for this kind message, my friend. I greatly appreciate your thoughtfulness now, and apology accepted ❤️

Internet friendships are a funny thing. They are intimate and real in ways that many IRL friendships aren't. Yet internet friendships are often extremely cursory when it comes to basic things we usually take for granted in IRL friendships--like last names, phone numbers, regular forms of contact, having access to mundane knowledge--like the daily events that pop up in a friends life. You may see someone's bedroom and know their intimate thoughts, yet never know their real name. I've been fortunate enough to have actually gotten to know most of my close friends from here, but even then, there are always some mysteries that remain with some. (It's always that thin line between being invasive and curious....🤣)

And sometimes, they disappear without warning.

I've always asked the few people I've gotten close to here to please at least let me know, if they can, that they are leaving. And that they are OK. I appreciate the fact that real life is messy and unpredictable and that this may not always be possible or feasible. However, I always hope that they will at least do me the courtesy of letting me know...if not when it happens, perhaps some time in the future. And...I'm thinking this may be the latter...? If so, I'm flattered I'm still a thought. ❤️

My worst fear is not knowing that something happened to a friend and then just assuming the worst. I've thankfully not had that happen very often, but it is a thought that haunts me from time to time. (Yes, I'm one of those sentimental ones, lol)

This is a roundabout way of me saying that I understand that internet friendships often don't come with the same expectations that IRL friendships may--but it is greatly appreciated when someone makes the effort to be considerate. In this case, I was very appreciative and touched to get this message. I have to say I wasn't expecting it and it was a lovely surprise. I hope everything is well with you too. Please know that you are always welcome to say hi, should you wish to ❤️. I appreciate this gesture, and there are no hard feelings.

The close friendships I've made here hold a special place in my heart. I often wonder where these friends may be, years from now--the sentimental, connection-seeking part of me always hopes that they will still be around. I've always been a firm believer that connections that are meant to be will always remain, in some shape or form.

And if I was totally wrong about who you are, and you have no idea what I'm talking about....then...well...whoops. My bad. 🤣😬 What I said about internet friendships still hold true...and I apologize for any confusion 🤣

[scummy-writes]

I am feeling nostalgic lately because I am trying to just sorta look into reasons that I write and why I struggle with some things concerning it, and in doing so I've been doing the Terrifying task of reviewing things that gave me a lot of anxiety, such as like...m*sme days.

I wrote a Lot for that fandom, I believe. A lot to me, to where if I compared it to how much I've written this past year, it feels like it wouldn't have even been a third of the writing for m*sme. I mean, I just finally broke over posting more fanfics for vamp than m*sme recently on ao3 recently, whereas m*sme had a ton of hcs and etc that I posted too, since I used to do more requests back then.

I was a part of two zines. One, i was asked to be a part of as a guest, and I have the physical version of the zine still on my bookshelf. My writin, printed out!!! With artists and writers that I enjoyed and admired, I am inbetween shared pages with them.

Another, I spearheaded with the help of friends and managed to raise almost $800 in charity for, even the company reached out and sent a nice lil RFA booklet for it.

And I've been having bouts where I think of those years and compare to Myself. Like "man, past me wrote so much, whats Wrong with me now?", "i was able to do so much more back then...", and now I sit here and analyze it even moreso.

I was quite literally the most depressed I had ever been during that timeframe. I had some awful struggles with my family, I was learning about a lot of personal struggles as well, fandom drama had me in a choke hold it felt like, I was having to live with my grandma due to the family issues, I was alone with barely any time to see irl friends since i worked nightshifts (and my irl friends were an hour away or so), and I lived in a small town that was hateful in many ways. Etc etc...

And now its...what...smaller fandom with less drama (thank god), less pressures from toxic friend groups, family issues are not 100% but are WAY better.... lived with friends the past couple of years and currently living with a friend I met through ikes*ries fandom, and I'm looking back at those fandom days with m*sme and I'm like. Maybe I am just still recovering from all of that. Maybe this is just me slowly building up the ability to write and love it all again.

[12th-shavie]

AI : The Somnium Files playthrough restrospective

I recently played the game to completion (barring a couple entries in the album but I'll probably do that at some point to see that sweet sweet concept art) and it's been an amazing experience ! I'd recommend it to any mystery visual novel enjoyer, especially those familiar with zero escape (there's even a small nod to it). Without further ado I'll go through my experience playing the game, the theorizing along the way and my thoughts and feelings on its story, characters, gameplay and all that jazz !

Spoilers and thoughts on the entire game below the cut (do yourself a favor and play it first if you like solving mysteries), written with the assumption that there is no need to introduce characters or plot elements.

Part I : Flowchart exploration and theorizing

I went into the game knowing barely anything about it or the plot, besides the fact it was mystery and written by the guy behind zero escape.

I followed my instinct on what was a more compelling choice most of the time, and only revisited the branching somniums later to try the other choice aside from one instance : in the first psync with Mizuki, I immediately used a retry the moment Date associated the balloons with a painful memory for Mizuki (I was already feeling bad for her, and was already determined to try to do the best I could for her).

That first route turned out to immediately be very brutal to Mizuki, with her father's corpse being found next. Unfortunate. The next psync with "Iris" was really puzzling, especially with how I ended up on the Annihilation route with all the murder scenes from the Cyclops Serial Killings in "her" somnium. I suspected her of being a witness to the murders and somehow having repressed the memories but really didn't know what my stance was on Date's face being shown as the murderer's. The most logical theory was that Date was the killer and Boss was doing all the hiding to make sure he wouldn't remember that and go crazy again, but that felt too easy of a conclusion to be true.

Things kept taking a turn for the worse with Date getting tricked and the murder of "Iris" and Ota in the warehouse, more investigation, lore dropped by Pewter about the original Cyclops killers and everyone being depressed until #89 shows up and hands out "his" full backstory and a cool somnium that's (interestingly) the same as Date's dream. Not to mention that #89 looks almost identical to the guy at the end of that dream and it's all very mysterious, until the climax where "Rohan" shows up and shoots, revealing the circumstances of Hitomi's arm wound.

And then "Boss" murders "So Sejima" on camera and the story route is locked. That was pretty shocking to say the least, but it only fueled my theories even more ! I started to suspect Boss of hiding something along the lines being in cahoots with the Cyclops killer and being willing to get her hands dirty to keep it hidden from the public (and Date to an extent).

And back to the "Iris" somnium I went, only to discover that it was a lot more chill in the other route, even if the child's drawings felt a little creepy and allegorical of the murders (I was still on the Iris witness theory) and then what was previously the blue silhouette of a murderer became someone who kissed So Sejima. That guy again, huh (although he was still alive in this timeline).

Unsurprisingly, Date got tricked again, but without the taser so it was nice to have a better view of the events this time around. And with a better timing, neither "Iris" nor Ota died and I got to learn about Mayumi's dementia, some Hitomi lore, and just how truly powerful Mizuki is (she's just built different I love her). Ota's somnium was pretty funky with the comic book aesthetic, and my pick of the green shelf over the red one came down to the flow of things and the camera angle.

Date gets a little greedy with the 6-minute limit in this one, but the reason for the limit itself still isn't explained, and Date promptly passes out. Then I got some quality time investigating with Mizuki ! That was pretty enlightening, with a lot of background to her situation with Date as her guardian, how terrible parents Renju and especially Shoko are, a cute moment at the shrine (which even is relevant later !), a funny optional ending, but most importantly the final key on the investigation to pinpoint "So Sejima" as the polar bear. Turns out HQ and Boss have ties to the congressman (all the more interesting considering "her" actions in the previous timeline) and Date makes the wise choice not to leave Mizuki behind after she's held hostage once already. Very Dadte of him (plus, she deserves to kick some butt, as a treat).

They even get a cool fight scene against a bunch of bodyguards in which Aiba yet again exploits Date's enhanced reflexes (at this point this characteristic was becoming a little suspicious but I didn't focus on it) until Mizuki is in trouble. Again (but it's alright she can be a little reckless, she does have a lot of avenging to do for a 12 year-old). Date is shot in the AI-ball, Sejima says that Date was killed by his own father (which had me in shambles because what do you mean these two are related ? Huh, Sejima ?). Thankfully Date manges to shoot him and that's curtain for Sejima. But also for Date as he passes out, fairly understandably exhausted by that point. In the hospital, there are even more touching moments with Mizuki opening up to comatose Date before psyncing with him to wake him up. Boss' true name is a nice addition (although I was still suspicious of her true intentions, but with So dead she wasn't constrained by those ties anymore).

The psync that follows, within Date's somnium, is far too cute and touching for me to do it justice. It's a glimpse at the familial bond that has grown between Mizuki and Date over the last 4 years, and some of the story events in this branch, like the wish Date made at the shrine for Mizuki to grow up healthy and happy (my eyes were not dry) and ultimately Mizuki's realization that she and Date are family now as she gets him to finally wake up. The short epilogue at the shrine also tugged at my heartstrings a bit. Overall a very poignant ending and I was very satisfied with this one as my first real ending after the previous' locked cliffhanger. At that point, my main theory on Date was that his medication was used to influence or even manipulate his behaviour and that he either was or was closely linked to So Sejima's son, who I assumed to likely be the (past?) Date from the "Iris" murder somnium.

So I went back to Ota's somnium to see how differently things would go on that timeline after going for the red shelf and it wasn't too different at that point, aside of the emphasis on the floral knife and the chocolate in the warehouse making its debut, as well as Mayumi's confession, which opened the door to the "Mayumi wanted to kill the witch" theory, but I didn't even consider it, Mayumi wouldn't ever stab Ota, even under those circumstances. And those who willingly confess are rarely truthful in their guilt. With So Sejima being found dead again, there was still too much information missing on that front.

Mayumi's somnium was (ironically) memorable, with its unique warmth, floating flower, and tragic tone. It made me really appreciate Mayumi's character and Ota's growth in this route, although the lack of many actual clues beyond the series of event preceding the warehouse murder (which was mostly for the locked timeline where it came true), Iris being very suspicious with the floral knife, and I guess Shoko's missing eyeball in Renju's stomach. It was an ending that left me with a warm heart and determination to solve the events of the warehouse (and find out what the hell was going on with eyeballs).

In order to do that, I went back to Mizuki's somnium and went through the painful memory of her mom's abuse and the frozen corpse of "Iris" being there for some reason. I had my suspicions on Iris for a while and was content to see that she was getting some focus (and thus more information to solve the mysteries about her and "her" really creepy somnium from the other timeline. After a nice section with Mizuki and Hitomi helping her, the investigation goes into Renju's disappearance as well, whom I was fully expecting to show up as a corpse at that point, given his quick demise in the other timeline. Aiba and Date setting a password for her self-destruct command felt very ominous and I couldn't help but wonder what kind of lie would eventually trigger it (because I'd be surprised if it didn't end up happening). The inclusion of So Sejima's part in the first murder and the frozen "Iris" at the warehouse were interesting segments, considering how much of the mystery kept turning around Sejima somehow.

Finally getting to see what So had in mind was interesting to say the least (and good misdirection, looking back on it), and even more so when it becomes clear that Iris is in fact very much alive. After that there is a good amount of investigation on #89, Renju, and even some more Hitomi lore, until #89 is interrogated and escapes with Renju somehow. Then it's the Iris show and she goes a little nuts with conspiracies.

But after a ShovelForge somnium that made me feel like Date was also going bonkers, he decided to believe her delusions (I was not buying one bit). Then came round 2 of the Iris show until the revelation that Pewter of all people has betrayed Date for Renju and is the lover mentioned with the watch story (very nicely foreshadowed in the early game with some BL in the shelves). He kidnaps Iris, the funny squad is assembled in order to rescue her and after that is done, more Iris lore on her Uncle (identified at Falco and #89 at this point), and a bit of flashback that isn't new (it was shown briefly when Iris revealed her name to Date) but shows that Date shares some of the Uncle's memories somehow. And then they go to the abandoned chemical plant and the prototype psync machine is there ! How convenient that this obviously very important machine was in reach of the characters at any point in time, provided they know about it, surely that won't open up the door to way too many theories later (this is foreshadowing). And also Iris' brain fails her. Welp.

More ShovelForge somnium it is, at least for a bit. Aiba's blocky look was as cute as ever but Iris didn't make it (bummer). The amount of focus on the manual to the psync machine and Iris' bleeding left eye as she passed away were very important clues that I regrettably did not give too much thought to. Date being so very affected by her death also felt very important and I did pick up on it.

Time go back to ShovelForge Somnium the First™ and after a little struggle on how to change the course of that particular psync (I ended up glancing at a guide for a lead), Date is finally reasonable about Iris' delusions. Turns out she had a malignant brain tumor all along (that explains a lot) and also she just ran away with someone she trusts (with all these context clues, the most likely candidate to me is the conveniently escaped #89 who's the spitting image of her Uncle, but Renju makes more sense in this context I suppose), only for "her" frozen corpse to show up again in the warehouse's forklift. And with Aiba around, it confirms that this corpse is very real and Date going nuts. After realizing that the body couldn't, in fact, be Iris', and a very nice zero escape reference, Mizuki is the one to reveal the truth about the body being Manaka Iwai's and Renju's heavy involvement with the warehouse and its management (Mizuki I am so sorry that you keep seeing dead bodies I want you to be happy). Up next is interrogating Hitomi, and boy was I glad that I'd finally get some answers from her, she was clearly hiding something huge in my opinion. But she refused to speak so psync time- wait no time for the single most crucial piece of information in this ENTIRE mystery. So the psync time limit, which has been repeated time and time again is not simply a precaution to maintain the psyncer's consciousness, it's the time limit before the minds swap, effectively switching bodies. I immediately applied that knowledge to a new theory : the Date/#89 switcheroo theory, which explained Date's strange dream in Hitomi's apartment, and I started considering the possibility of more switcheroos.

Hitomi's dark forest somnium is a welcome change of atmosphere after the ShovelForge Somnium experience™. After dealing with it, Hitomi revealed the truth behind Manaka's disappearance and Iris' parentage, making her Saito Sejima's half-sibling (Date's body's owner 6 years ago, according to my theory !), Rohan Kumakura's involvement in the disposal of the body (explaining the missing right eye), and how the body found its way to the frozen forklift, but also Hitomi's desire for revenge, it fading away in favor of Iris until the brain tumor was found, the blackmailing involving Manaka's body in the warehouse ! It all made so much more sense now ! I could see it clear as day, Saito Sejima was 12 18 years ago and Date('s body) was stated to be precisely 30 ! It was a perfect match to my theory ! One Pewter betrayal and Aiba intervention later, it was time to confront what awaited at the chemical plant : the prototype psync machine, Renju's remains, and #89 with a taser he immediately puts to good use, locking this portion of the story.

Time to finally see the first locked route through, and this nothing would prevent me from uncovering whatever "Boss" was hiding ! I suspected it to be a particular mind switcheroo or something along those lines. After exploding a bag of flour at Sagan residence, Date finally got a hold of "Boss" and enlisted Pewter's help to psync with "her".

After a banger of a somnium with a very 999 feel to it, the truth about the crazy murders is far beyond my estimations : it wasn't just one or two, but an entire chain of body-swapped murderers all under the plot of a single mind, that of Saito Sejima. As I suspected, Date was indeed in Saito's body at present, and the meds he administrated were to compensate for Saito's oxytocin problem, and this body was the very reason behind Saito's display of his victims, as an attack against Date specifically, the one who was occupying the body Saito craved to go back to to once again enjoy murder to the fullest ! With Hitomi taken hostage, Date complies in switching bodies with Saito in exchange for her location... that doesn't well, with Saito Sejima back as himself, Date in Boss' injured body, and the bomb detonating regardless of the deal. Aiba saves the (admittedly very bleak) day with well-timed shock, and here ends this timeline. So far the most gripping string of reveals, exhilarated by the confirmation of multiple theories I'd been formulating with conviction and making it terribly satisfying for me to know I had a hold of the truth !

But there is still a final conclusion to reach in the timeline I had to leave just before this moment. #89, who is none other than Saito in Falco's body at this point in time, takes all his time explaining his actions throughout this timeline just to make Date mad (and I have to respect his commitment to being a spiteful yet entertaining shitty little man). Another funny part of this is the way Date starts remembering things from the other timelines and questions how and why he knows it, that was just so zero escape of him (I was expecting something like that from the moment the timelines branched). Saito goes on and on about the way he went about his business, using Renju's money and connections until his body was on the brink of death, exploiting Iris' trust in Falco, and even how he killed Manaka 18 years ago to feel the happiness his brain produced as a response to murder. He then goes for the psync, doing his left classic eyeball-ripping without a hint of hesitation, and that just really shows his character.

The final psync being all reversed is very cool, and it shows the events of 6 years ago, first when Falco and Rohan swapped, and then the swap between Falco in Rohan's body and Saito. Most of the psync UI is cryptic and concealed (since Date is the subject and not the psyncer) until the final swap is finally over. After waking up sedated to a taunting Saito who wants to kill Iris and Hitomi in front of him, Date gets the complete flashback of the important moments of Hayato Yagyu aka Falco 6 years ago. Meeting Hitomi, wanting to share their lives, trying to quit his deal wit the Kumakuras, asking Boss for help, swapping with Rohan, chasing him to Hitomi's residence, the shooting, meeting up with Saito, getting dragged to the prototype psync machine, swapping with Saito and losing his memories, running away from the chemical plant, encountering Boss and finally becoming Kaname Date of ABIS, joined by Aiba a year later.

The final stretch against Saito begins with a last bit of exposition on the events of 6 years ago on Saito and Rohan's sides, before Saito pulling out Date's gun and Moma intervening to rescue him, lending him a gun. The fended-off Saito is then found holding Iris at gunpoint and rambling about fireworks and murder, but Mizuki with a pipe comes to the rescue and Date follows up when Mizuki is shot in the leg, knocking Saito away. Ota (who is also here) unties Iris and the youngster trio, up to speed about the body-swapping thanks to Aiba (and Saito in Iris' case), looks for Hitomi with Date. She's found, unfortunately with Saito threatening her life once again this time with a countdown for Date to throw his gun. Ota pulls out his phone with Aiba, who is not only stuck in Saito's eye socket physically but also in data (Pewter's latest betrayal included deleting her data from the cloud) and finally puts her self-destructing function on the table as the last resort. I had been waiting for that moment at increasing levels of worry as the story advanced ever since the password was set, so it didn't catch me off-guard, but it was nonetheless a very emotional scene when the countdown ended, Date threw his gun, and Saito immediately declared that he was a fool for doing that and that he would kill all of them, Date told a heart-wrenching lie to Aiba (I'd be lying if I said my eyes were dry) and she exploded Saito's head entirely, putting an end to his murderous intents once and for all.

And just like that, it's all over. Many lives are saved, but inevitable sacrifices were made to get here, to this best possible ending. The epilogue wraps things up nicely, showcasing everyone by the time Iris was out of the hospital, with Date remembering a couple of things from other timeline splits, Iris hoping for Date and Hitomi to get together, Boss and Pewter (temporarily out of prison) knocking Date out and using the psync machine on him as a treat, Kagami making an appearance (good for him), So Sejima still not being in prison, Iris trying to set up Hitomi and Date, Mizuki (now Mizuki Date, the adoption now being official) being mad at Date over the most trivial things, Ota being a little more responsible, Mayumi doing well, Moma being a foolish A-Set fan, Mama refusing to know too much about the truth (smart and respectable move), and finally Aiba making her grand comeback thanks to the Wadjet system and being reunited with Date before a grand dance number with the entire cast.

Overall, I'm pretty happy with the order in which I explored the story ! It had a good balance between nebulous mysteries and clues with which to solve them, the strongest emotional moments to me were spread apart a good amount (enough to hook me in, leave me some time to get attached and only then remind me that I'm not immune to tear-jerking), and I had plenty of opportunities to theorize before new information came to wreck my thoughts !

I guess the most influence different routing could've had would be what characters I trusted more (for example Pewter's actions felt more like a betrayal after a full timeline of nothing suspicious on his part) and how much I valued some information (such as everything surrounding So Sejima being doubly suspicious after the "killed by your own father" moment, or Saito's somnium when disguised as Iris showing "Date" as a killer).

[dracopias-bloodbag]

My writing process is really just, 9 tabs open: pinterest (for setting inspo), italian fic writing guide 1, 2, and 3 (all curtesy of the lovely @foxybouquet :)), thesatanictemple.com, guide to moon phase meanings, google translate, site on witchcraft history, google doc of outtakes, and the doc with the chapter I'm actually working on

[confessionsofatvjunkie]

I really, really need us to define what "fully remote" means... I believe if you have ANY kind of location requirement, even if I'll never have to step foot in the office, then you should not be able to list it as fully remote.

It's a waste of your time as a job poster, and my energy as a seeker, to get all these listings in my search parameters and most of them I can't even apply for, because you decided to list you post at "fully remote... except,"

Signed, a very frustrated job seeker!

[piinkchocolat]

Trying to explain utena to someone who doesn't watch it makes me feel insane

"Yeah the car is a metaphor for sex. Yeah that girl turns into a cow for an episode. What? Is the Cow a metaphor? No. Maybe."

[thesargasmicgoddess]

An idle mind is the devil's playground....

I have nothing due tomorrow (well, technically today now). No high stress meetings. No crazy commitments. No work travel, speaking engagements, or press interviews. And here I am, 3am, wide awake and going through potato chips.

You'd think that having less to do would help me sleep, but my brain is apparently confused by the sudden lull in activity and stress level....and is looking for distractions 😂

Like, wtf? My brain has forgotten how to relax. God. I'm so weird. And wired, apparently, for no reason. 😂

now...to masturbate or work....?🤔

[sargasmicgoddess]

Hi. Not cerebral, but have you ever made a random connection with someone so strong on a night out or whatever where you’ve just had to follow it up somehow, or take action there and then?

I have this devil/angel inner-voice trauma in those situations and the angel always wins so I’m always left with wondering ‘what if’. One day I’ll have the balls to just say ‘fuck it’ and see what happens. Sigh.

Ever seen the movie Before Sunrise?

That's what I always think of when I think about random connections that just work.

Most of my life, I've followed my passions. Of the mind and of the heart. Professionally and personally. "What ifs" haunt me, and I've consciously tried to live a life where I don't have to say that a lot.

Granted, it takes me to other places that have made me say, "WTF is WRONG with me?!"* And "Am I clinically, diagnosably, INSANE?!"**

Other times, I get hurt wearing my heart on my sleeve by being vulnerable with connections, but that's a willing risk I take. I'd rather feel too much than nothing at all. But at the end of the day, I'm almost always happy I took chances.

I regret nothing. It has shaped me into the person I am today.

Obviously, idk your specific situation, so use your own best judgment.

But more than ever, I've embraced unexpected connections, experiences, and moments in my 40s. I hope you can find your happy medium too!

* everything. But I'm cool with it 🤣

**debatable. I'm sure you'll find me in the DSM somewhere 😬

[realitys-ex]

I 100% agree, but the funniest aspect of this is....I am a mid 90s baby.

I have No Reason to feel that way. I barely remember the 90s (though tbf I barely remember last week).

One of my strongest memories of that era is my Dad saying, "The Millenia will change soon, you are one of the few lucky people who gets to witness this." (completely paraphrased obviously)

And yet... I still feel that when someone mentions they were born in 2001 they should be in middle school, and they are barely 7 years younger than me!

It makes no sense!

Brains are odd.

people born in 2000 should be like 12-14 now. but they’re not. that’s how fucked up our world is now

[wolgraugorimilir]

This is a letter I wrote to a friend, regarding Tepwat Manu. Stick around for rambling musings on ancient Egyptian culture, and my life

“It's a fascinating point you made that “lightness of the heart” means frivolity, rather than rightness, in our culture. I've never thought about that, nor have I ever recognized that the imagery of the weighing of the scales is something that exists, too, in Hebrew scripture.

Of course, that makes a lot of sense to me. After all, famously, there were close connections between Hebrews and Egyptians.

That you mentioned our relationship with the concept of lightness of the heart illuminates what I consider to be a very important difference between Ancient Egyptian culture and our own. Ancient Egyptians conceptualized morality (maybe better translated as “rightness”, symbolized by the feather called Ma'at), as comfortably fulfilling your role in society. Full stop.

“Rightness” meant that it was right for healers to heal, for farmers to sow, for scribes to write. Fulfilling your social role - being “right”, or perhaps, “moral” - was something that would feel effortless, and pleasurable. Living your best life was light-hearted, even perhaps in our sense of the word.

Something I have always struggled with growing up with Christianity is the pernicious idea that rightness has to hurt. That pleasure and ease are sinful. I grew up around mostly protestants.

I think there is wisdom in the belief that living within your means, and doing whatever is most natural, is “right”.

Of course, It's also a dangerous belief. For the Ancient Egyptians, it was right for a warrior to kill, and for a king to enslave.

I'm so so happy to hear you're in, and I'm so flattered that you were able to engage with my writing on such a deep and insightful level.

Henry was my brother. He died when he was a baby. I was 6. It opened my eyes to death. All at once, god became something cruel, and unjust.

That feeling is something I shared with the ancient Mesopotamians. They loved their gods, of course, like I do, but they didn't think of their gods as beings concerned with morality. The gods were as capricious and cruel as the natural forces they embodied. The oceans, The Earth, death. They were not above the people's reproach. A common refrain in Mesopotamian prayers was to curse their gods, to try and make them feel pity, and change their minds.

If a child died, his mother would say to her gods - those who wielded the tablets of destiny - who had set down in clay the proclamation that her child should die:

"Why did you do this cruel thing to me, when all I ever did was love you?"

I don't feel like we've ever come up with a very compelling answer to that question. The gods have certainly been quiet.

[12th-shavie]

So I've been playing Radiant Historia Perfect Chronology lately and I have many thoughts that plague me

Spoilers under the cut

All of this is from reaching both basic and true ending, the PC ending with the singularity, all side quests, possible history quests and no second run with clear data for the extra ending. Also I played it on friendly difficulty and it's a good thing I touch at the end of my thoughts.

I mostly want to ramble about the different characters in the game, in somewhat of an order so I'll start with my dear boy Stocke.

I really liked Stocke. He's not particularly chatty, but we get to see a lot of what's going on his mind through the story, including every decision he has to make that can lead to a bad ending and he ends up very well-rounded by the time of the ending. He clearly grows to care a lot about everyone around him, which makes his fate particularly cruel when it's only because he made all these connections that he can be the sacrifice, but it's also the reason why his sacrifice is such a heavy blow for the others. His status as a man whose soul hasn't been his for a long time unbeknownst to him heightens the value of his growth as a person and as a friend, showing how he could still grasp the opportunity to see value in the world beyond himself and his own lifespan (that was technically over since quite some time). He's willing to use the power at his disposal to try to get the best outcome for anyone he can help, even when it seemingly doesn't do much for the world at large, he's just really helpful. Stocke is also very funny to me in the many ways he deals with his time travel. Especially in the ways he casually transports a bunch of items through the timelines, and never explains how he knows information he has absolutely no way of knowing at the point in time he's in. He also doesn't seem to question the fact that there's a big part of his life missing, or at least that's what I understand the Ernst memory wipe as, and seems to just adapt to whatever the timeline has in store for him at any given time. But he's also a Sad boy™ and deserves the world for everything he's been put through. Especially having to kill Rosch that one time.

Ah, Rosch. My poor sweet bulky boy whom I really tried to use every time he was available but it seems it was never enough and even in post-ending he's not quite caught up. The mana spring dlc also shows just how big his armor truly compared to his actual body and I respect the huge suit of armor that makes his silhouette a little silly. I wasn't a big fan of his romance with Sonja at first until the alternate history in Celestia and his bigger arc, where we get to see some more of them that made me appreciate them more (and Sonja upgrading his Gauntlet has to be some of my favourite interactions between her, Rosch and Stocke).

Raynie and Marco are cute as characters Stocke is close to but I really couldn't care less about Raynie's romantic subplot, or her in general. My interest in her never rose higher than my interest in her gameplay, which is thankfully fun to me so it doesn't feel like she's wasting my time. Marco was a little better, especially with the Mimel sidequest where he shows another facette of himself in the bad ending where he goes nuts and I respect that. But ultimately, they're only involved at first because Heiss made it so, and neither their past not their relationship to Stocke or the others was delved into all that much, which is kind of a shame given how present they are during the game.

Which bring me to Heiss. Heiss' first appearance just threw me in a loop of "wow, this guy is so obviously evil but he called Stocke his best boy so now I really want the game to surprise me with a turn of events where he's not one of the Big Bad™. I really wish I could trust this guy in the slightest but that character design is screaming EVIL very loudly". He then proceeds to turn out to be the main villain. Except he still very much cares about Stocke, and always has, even when his other intentions are very nefarious. And even at the very end he still cares about his favourite nephew. And I'm a sucker for that kind of character development, so needless to say Heiss now lives rent-free in one of my mental tabs that run in the background on my thoughts. He does have one portrait where he looks down, in a content but sad way, as if reminiscing of a happier past and it really gets me every time. I did not expect to care so much about the guy, yet his character arc really did it for me. From the bitterness cranked up to eleven by the Black Chronicle's past owners and his huge soft spot for Stocke to his own actions of granting Stocke a chance at a non-royal, non-sacrifice life that he himself never got as Heinrich being the key to the only positive future there was for the world ? Gorgeous arc ! Until the true end where he just never gives up on the only thing he truly cared about, Stocke's future. The PC ending where he joins forces with Stocke, Nemesia and the others was also a satisfying moment, seeing how he's reminded of when he went on adventures with Ernst (again with that softer portrait I am very weak to), along with one of the possible histories where you get the key to his desk (which had plagued me from the moment I tried to snoop around his office much earlier in the game) and it contains an old portrait of Heinrich and Ernst, probably the only trace had kept from that part of his past, showing that despite all the scheming and lack of remorse on other fronts as the main villain, he's still an old man whose life was never completely his own, and who tries to break the cycle for the one person he cared about who was condemned to the same fate. In other words, Heiss is absolutely a magnificent bastard but also very human underneath and I am not immune to that.

On the other hand, a character I had to warm up to gradually was Eruca (I've seen her design from the DS version and I feel robbed, that little sprite had so much more personality !). She starts out kinda generic, as the princess stuck under the terrible reign of her stepmother who secretly leads her dead brother's rebel group, and I only started garnering interest when she joined the party and was armed with a gun. I had gotten a gun before but had no idea they were for her, and it was extremely refreshing to see how she fared in combat despite her lower availability. Her relationship with Stocke was also made so much better by that one moment around the end where it goes back to their first time meeting in standard history and shows exactly what she was dealing with when interacting with Stocke, knowing full that he not only was her dead brother living with a borrowed soul, but also had yet to be aware of his role in the grand scheme of things. I was afraid the whole ritual bit would get in the way of her character development but it didn't and she ended up being one of my favourite characters in both story and gameplay. Ice magic nukes are very nice.

Aht is adorable and I knew she'd be in my top three from the moment I saw her in the animated opening in which she gave me some Just a little guy™ vibe which is sufficient for me to be interested. Her voice acting was also very endearing (then again all of the voice acting worked really for me) and she was just as fun in gameplay with her trap set-ups and big combo potential. And then the story dropped all sorts of hints that she clearly was aware of something very big and plot-relevant and that really makes her go from Babsie™ to Tell me your secrets you adorable little scoundrel™ and that's absolutely my jam.

I wish I had a stronger opinion on Gafka. He's pretty neat, I like the combos he brings to the tables, the way he learns additional skills with Bergas makes sense to me and is cool, but I wish his character spoke to me more. The one thing I would say about him is that he has this trait where he has a hard time distinguishing humans and uses nicknames based on other visible parts of them, but does eventually come to recognize Stocke with his name instead of "Red One" and that's a new bit of development he got there.

I wish Viola was playable. Girl's got so much potential with a title like the Valkyrie but only gets so little story presence, but she's a highlight of every scene she's in and that's fine by me. I find her design very soft yet powerful and inspiring, as befits a character with her renown and charisma.

I can also say I really appreciate Raul, he's not the most appealing character at first, but the genuine effort he clearly puts in supporting however he can from the back lines and devising all of the larger scale tactics and stuff really elevates him as guy who's trying to make the best out of a bad situation where he can't turn his back on people who need help he can provide after not opposing Hugo more directly even though he suspected him to be up to no good.

Speaking of Hugo, he has me a little confused on what exactly his motives were, where his loyalty lied and what he was really trying to accomplish, especially regarding Noah and the possible histories surrounding him. I'm not a fan of letting him around with Noah and not facing more consequences for his actions. Noah himself is also a little weird, being both this mysterious prophet who just wants what's best for his people and this calm guy who seems to know more than he lets on but hasn't really tried to stop Hugo or find another way to reach the people without his name being exploited. I wonder how he could've affected the timeline if he didn't just vanish from the public eye after the possible history that saves his life in the alternate history.

Dias and Selvan are most definitely meant to be read as an evil power couple. You can't throw in a sidequest where it is shown they get a hotel room in the middle of the day and Selvan immediately resorting to threatening to kill a little girl the instant he sees Stocke menacing Dias, and not tell they're not in some kind of very close relationship that is never described as friendship, not even once. Also they'd seemingly betray anyone in a heartbeat except each other and I will read the subtext as I please. There is also that one line from Selvan in alternate history when Dias is dead and he says something along the lines of "But now Dias is slain, and I am broken". And that's without mentioning the possible history where they didn't set Protea up as queen but Dias directly, and an NPC says that "Dias wears the crown, but Selvan might as well sit on the throne" and I'll gladly interpret it as Selvan sitting on the throne with Dias on his lap. Moving on.

Friendly difficulty is a godsend that should be in many other games. I love being able to progress rapidly through the combat heavy parts of the story and only be forced into important fights which I can appreciate without wearing down my gameplay experience. I cannot show grateful I am to be able to enjoy the story to the fullest with no downsides in my opinion. It even gives me a reason to someday try out the DS version to experiment with combat a little more, and also see the game in all its original stylized glory (mostly Stocke's grittier self, Eruca's pixie cut, Heiss balding forehead that makes him less magnificent of a bastard and Dias looking less evil for some reason)

I also intend to finish RHPC with my clear data to see that final final ending, just to see what it brings to the table.

[confessionsofatvjunkie]

When life (Target) gives you lemons (a way bigger “mini” watermelon than you expected resulting in a surplus of fruit for one person) make lemonade (spice watermelon margaritas)

[owlbelly]

so. i understand where the sentiment "listening to an audiobook is the same thing as reading the book" is coming from - i mean, yes, the bottom line is you are taking in the same words in what is possibly a more accessible (or maybe just more enjoyable) format for you! and i'm 100% in agreement that "book snobs" who say "no you didn't really read it" if you listened to the audiobook are full of shit. ofc you should engage with stories in whatever way works for you, there is no moral or intellectual superiority to reading words off a page vs. listening to them

but it also is different? an audiobook is a performance. choices a narrator makes about line readings can drastically influence the meaning of the lines. even just different voices, accents, etc. - there are creative choices being made by the person delivering the words to you, and that affects your experience of the story in a different way than if you were making those choices in your own head. it might even change the way you visualize what's going on!

this isn't a bad thing it's just An Actual Thing & i think it's worth talking about. it rubs me the wrong way when people act like accommodations (and for many people audiobooks are an accommodation) always result in a completely identical experience, or even that they should, & if you suggest that people accessing media in different ways are having different experiences it's somehow ableist

anyway on rare occasions i really enjoy audiobooks but mostly they are much less accessible to me than words on a page (i need to be able to reread, flip back and forth, go at my own pace) & i also just really strongly prefer to encounter a text on my own before hearing someone else's performance of it, if possible! again i don't think it's "better" to read a physical book i just think it is a Distinct form of experiencing a story & acting like the two things are entirely the same is sort of doing a disservice to both

[dracopias-bloodbag]

is it really one of my self indulgent fanfics if “out of the woods” isn’t one of their songs