#ra al ghul being partially upset he's linked to bruce wayne is the funniest headcanon

[fanfic-writer-and-rambler]

Bruce meeting his son: Damian. This is my headcanon and a comedic spin on the meet up. I just love the trope of "I have a child?!" Don't worry, Bruce loves his son, it's just a bit of a shock he wasn't rendered impotent from all his excursions as Batman.

Talia: Bruce, this is Damian. Damian, this is Bruce.

Damian holds out his hand for a handshake. Bruce obliges, but is unsure why he was being introduced to the young child.

Damian (confused): Why is he dressed like a bat?

Talia (mock sweetness): It's a thing he does.

Bruce (offended): Okay you don't have to talk about me in front of him. Why are you showing me this child?

Jason behind Bruce covers his mouth, chuckling.

Talia: He's my son.

Dick (instant realization): He's your son? That is your son? Which means... Oh wow. Wow!

Dick laughs, but stops when Bruce stares at him confused. He turns back to Talia and Damian, confused.

Damian (waving): Hello.

Bruce: Hi... And Talia?

Dick Grayson: Oh... Oh you don't get it?

Jason: He doesn't get it. Hahahaha!

Talia: Bruce, I'm going to hold your hand when I say this.

Talia takes Bruce's glove hand. Ra Al Ghul walks over holding up a camera to record the exchange.

Dick and Jason stood by waiting to see how Talia would word her reveal.

Talia: He is my son... And he is your son.

Bruce blinks not responding. He heard what she said but he was not sure what to say himself.

Damian (confused): The guy in a giant bat suit is my father?

Damian taps his chin.

Damian: Not the craziest thing I've had to deal with.

Talia: Bruce, you going to saying something?

Dick: Bruce?

Bruce (gulps): ...

Jason claps while laughing.

Jason: This is great. I am so glad I got to be here today for this.

Bruce (finally speaking): I'm sorry. I hallucinated that you just said the little boy standing in front of me is my son.

Talia (repeating herself): Bruce, he is your son.

Bruce (disbelief): No he's not.

Jason (enjoying this): There's the denial.

Talia (exasperated): Here we go again, yes he is.

Bruce (panicked): No... no he's not. I can't have kids my swimmers are broken.

Damian: Swimmers?

Talia covers Damian's ears.

Talia: They most certainly are not.

Dick: You can have kids?

Jason: I know right!

Bruce: He's not... I'm not... The kid is not my son.

Talia (uncovering Damian's ears): Yes he is! I got a DNA test done! He is your child. I have your blood from a... Not important and he is yours! The baby is yours!

Damian: I'm 9.

Dick (holding back his laughter): Oh God.

Jason walks while clapping again.

Ra Al Ghul (continuing to record the reaction): She unfortunately speaks the truth. I'm disappointed you share DNA with him, but we have the test. He's yours.

Damian: The guy dressed as a bat is my father? I'm sorry to repeat myself, but he's dressed like a bat.

Ra (Regrettably): I know. I know.

Dick: Bruce, say something other than, "No he's not." Or "He's not mine."

Bruce stands stunned and silent. His oldest son walks over to him and waves his hand across the man's face.

Dick: Oh he's actually speechless.

Talia (sighing): To be expected. Jason I'll send you a video of his reaction like we discussed.

Jason: Thank you.

Dick: You knew?!

Jason: For 9 years! Yes!

Dick: Why didn't you say anything?

Jason: I was fucking mad at him and wanted revenge and this... This is the best revenge.

Dick: I'll deal with you in a second. Bruce, are you with us?

Bruce faints, falling backwards. Damian looks down at the man in a batsuit.

Damian: I'm not sure I want him to be my father.

Ra (ending the recording): I agree with you child.

He walks off with the camera.

Ra: I'm going to burn this on to a DVD and keep a copy.

Talia (frustrated): You do that father.

Dick walks over to Damian, stepping over Bruce.

Dick: Um, Bruce is just a bit shocked he actually can have kids without adopting them. He's a good guy though.

Damian lightly kicks his father's leg, but all the man can do is twitch his leg while still unconscious.

Damian: Are you sure about that? Jason told me he was 'not bad' I'm not really seeing that.

Dick glares at Jason. Jason shrugs with a smile. Dick turns back to Damian.

Dick: Yeah, he's an amazing crime fighter and usually can compose himself. I'm Dick, by the way.

Damian: That's your legal name?

Dick (upset, but hiding it): My birth name is Richard Grayson.

Damian: Why do you go by-

Talia and Jason: Don't ask.

Dick groans annoyed then holds out his hand. Damian shakes his hand to show respect, but remains perplexed by his strange new family and that was saying a lot.

Pt 1

[fanfic-writer-and-rambler]

Headcanon time, Jason Todd knew about Damian Wayne's existence before Bruce did and just didn't tell the man and we all know why.

Talia enters the room holding a baby, the baby is sleeping as he's holds on to his mother's hip.

JASON (wide-eyed): Is that a baby?

TALIA (nodding) : Yes.

JASON (worried): Is that... your baby?

TALIA (firmly): Yes.

JASON (panicking): Oh God, oh God! Is it MY baby?!

TALIA (frustrated): In your mind, he might be! But here in reality, we never had sex! The day you got here to know I've never had sex with you. You were my surrogate son for Ra's sake! I damn sure wasn’t about to do that while you were underage and insane. What kind of person do you take me for?

JASON (sheepishly): Well...

TALIA (cutting him off): I did NOT sleep with you!

Suddenly, the baby sneezes, startling Talia.

JASON (jokingly): Then whose baby is it? Bruce's?

Jason chuckles, but Talia stares at him, unamused.

TALIA (sighing): Yes.

JASON (surprised, then doubtful): ...No, he’s not.

TALIA (insistent): He is.

JASON (musing, chuckling): ...No, he’s not.

TALIA (through gritted teeth): Yes. He. Is.

JASON (shaking his head) : He can’t be. No way.

Talia holds up her index finger and pulls out her phone, dialing her father.

TALIA (when he answers) : Father, the DNA test revealed Bruce is the father of my precious tifl, correct?

RA AL GHUL (sobbing): Stop reminding me of that!

Talia ends the call and looks at Jason smugly.

TALIA: There you go.

JASON (stunned): You and him... had him? And... oh my God. The supposed tough man who can never fold, folded for a booty call!

Jason starts chuckling, which quickly evolves into fits of laughter. He sits down, still laughing, while Talia taps her foot impatiently.

TALIA (offended): It was NOT a booty call! Our night of passion was unforgettable... especially since the condom did, in fact, break. Damn gas station contraceptives!

JASON (between laughs): You used the ones from the gas station? Oh God! You’re both idiots when it comes to sex!

Talia holds the baby, who has been quiet throughout their banter, close to her face.

TALIA: Uncle Jacy doesn’t understand that you are the love child of a perfect pair.

Jason laughs harder, covering his eyes.

TALIA (seriously) : Do not tell him. He’s not ready to meet him yet.

JASON (grinning): Oh, I won’t! I’m not telling him a thing.

TALIA (deadpan): You better not. If you do, I have men who can make your death look like a suicide or render you a vegetable.

Jason wipes a tear from all the laughter.

JASON (sincerely) : Chill, Talia. I'm serious. The secret is safe with me until you're ready to tell him. But when that happens, send me pictures of his reaction.

TALIA (rolling her eyes while cradling the baby): You’re ridiculous.

JASON (smirking): Thank you! What’s his name, by the way?

TALIA (pondering): I’ve been debating different names. Ra wants me to name him... Ra Jr.? Yeah, no. I decided on Damian. Damian for my cute wittle baby.

She rubs the baby's cheeks, making him giggle, but she stops when she hears Jason chuckle again.

TALIA (defensively): No judgment! I’ve always wanted a baby by Bruce. Never tell my father I showed that affection.

JASON (teasing): I might.

TALIA (warning): If you do—

Jason walks off, leaving Talia alone with her son. She groans, raising her left eyebrow in annoyance, but when she hears her baby yawn, she looks at him and nuzzles her nose against his cheek.

JASON (interrupting) : Yes, yes, you’ll toss me into the river or whatever.

TALIA: Now since you still travel here would you like to spend time with him?

Jason looks at the baby that is sleeping and smiles.

JASON: Sure especially since I can rub that in his face too.

TALIA: Not the healthiest mindset, but okay.

JASON: You sure are right, woman who had sex with a guy who is not with her at all and then had a baby because of a broken gas station condom—priceless!

TALIA (softly): My tifl.

Pt 2 <----