#ra al ghul being partially upset he's linked to bruce wayne is the funniest headcanon

[gothamite-rambler]

Bruce Meets His Son: Damian (Part 1)

Talia: Bruce, this is Damian. Damian, this is Bruce.

Damian extended his hand for a handshake. Bruce obliged, unsure why he was being introduced to the young child.

Damian (confused): Why is he dressed like a bat?

Talia (mock sweetness): It’s his thing.

Bruce (offended): Okay, you don’t have to talk about me like I’m not here. Why are you showing me this child?

Jason, standing behind Bruce, covered his mouth to stifle a chuckle.

Talia: He’s my son.

Dick (instant realization): He’s your son? That is your son? Which means… Oh wow. Wow!

Dick started to laugh, but stopped when Bruce shot him a confused stare. He turned back to Talia and Damian.

Damian (waving): Hello.

Bruce (not putting two and two together): Hi… And Talia?

Dick: Oh… Oh, you don’t get it?

Jason: He doesn’t get it. Hahahaha!

Bruce indeed did not understand what was going on.

Talia: Bruce, I’m going to hold your hand when I say this.

Talia took Bruce’s gloved hand. Ra's al Ghul walked over, holding up a camera to record the exchange. Dick and Jason stood by, eager to see how Talia would word her revelation.

Talia: He is my son… and he is your son.

Bruce blinked, momentarily speechless. He heard what she said but wasn’t sure how to respond. Looking down at Damian again, he was finally able to see the resemblance to both of them.

Damian (confused): The guy in the giant bat suit is my father? This is the Bruce Wayne?

Damian tapped his chin thoughtfully.

Damian: Not the craziest thing I've had to deal with. Although, mother, when you said he was odd about what he wears, I did not expect this.

Talia nodded, but when Bruce remained silent, she grew concerned.

Talia (worried): Bruce, are you going to say something?

Dick: Bruce?

Bruce gulped. Jason clapped while laughing.

Jason: This is great. I’m so glad I got to witness this today.

Bruce (finally speaking): I’m sorry. I must have hallucinated when you said the little boy standing in front of me is my… son.

Talia (repeating herself): Bruce, he is your son.

Bruce (in disbelief): No, he’s not.

Jason (enjoying the moment): There’s the denial.

Talia (exasperated): Yes, he is.

Bruce (panicked): No… no, he’s not. I can’t have kids; my swimmers are broken.

Damian: Swimmers?

Talia quickly covered Damian’s ears.

Talia: They most certainly are not. That prophylactic was, though!

Dick: You can have kids? Prophylactic? The condom broke?!

Jason: I know, right!

Dick could no longer contain his laughter and joined Jason, cackling uncontrollably.

Bruce (stammering in denial): He’s not… I’m not… The kid is not my son.

Talia (uncovering Damian’s ears): Yes, he is! I got a DNA test done! He is your child. I have your blood from a… not important, but he is yours! The baby is yours!

Damian: I’m eight.

Dick (laughing): Oh God.

Bruce (in a state of shock): Eight?

Bruce remembered that night—the night of regret, with a wallet that had one gas station condom, now linking him to Talia forever.

Talia: Mm-hm, remember when you were really sad and I was there to comfort you? One thing led to another. Surprise. Damian, hug your father.

Damian: Um, okay, I’ve been planning for this.

Damian hugged Bruce, who was still in his Batman suit, embracing the son he just found out about. Jason walked around laughing and clapping again.

Ra's al Ghul (continuing to record the reaction): She unfortunately speaks the truth. I’m disappointed you share DNA with him, but we have the test. He’s… yours.

Bruce had a million thoughts swirling in his head, but all he could focus on was that the son he did not know about had been around Ra's al Ghul for 8… years!

Damian (surprised): The guy dressed as a bat is my father? I’m sorry to repeat myself, but he’s dressed like a bat. It's so odd.

Ra: I know. I know.

Dick: Bruce, say something other than “No, he’s not” or “He’s not mine.”

Bruce stood stunned and silent. His oldest son waved a hand in front of his face.

Dick: Oh, he’s actually speechless. Yeah… yeah, that’s a fair reaction.

Talia (sighing): To be expected. Jason, I’ll send you a video of his reaction like we discussed.

Jason: Thank you.

Dick: You knew?!

Jason (laughing): For 8 years! Yes!

Damian: Hi, akh brother Jason.

Jason waved at Damian as Dick tried to come to terms with the fact that Jason had known for 8 years.

Dick: Why didn’t you say anything?

Jason: I was furious with him and wanted revenge, and this… this is the best revenge. Long-term silent revenge is my new favorite thing.

Dick: I’ll deal with you in a second. Bruce, are you with us?

Bruce fainted, falling backward. Damian looked down at the man in the batsuit.

Damian: I’m not sure I want him to be my father.

Ra (ending the recording): I agree with you, child, but it is what it is.

He walked off with the camera.

Ra: I’m going to burn this onto a DVD and keep a copy.

Talia (frustrated): You do that, father.

Dick walked over to Damian, stepping over Bruce.

Dick: Um, Bruce is just a bit shocked that he can actually have kids without adopting them. He’s a good guy, though.

Damian: Are you sure about that? Jason told me he was ‘not bad.’ I’m not really seeing it.

Dick glared at Jason. Jason shrugged with a smile. Dick turned back to Damian.

Dick: Not bad is actually a good description for him. He’s an amazing crime fighter and usually can compose himself. I’m Dick, by the way. I guess we’re brothers.

Damian: That’s your legal name?

Dick (upset, but hiding it): My birth name is Richard Grayson.

Damian: Why do you go by—

Talia and Jason: Don’t ask.

Dick groaned in annoyance and held out his hand. Damian shook it respectfully, still perplexed by his strange new family—which says a lot.

Previous ---> Jason knew about Damian's existence

---> Dick confronts Jason about keeping this secret

---> Bruce meeting his son part 2

[gothamite-rambler]

Jason meets baby Damian

Headcanon: Jason Todd knew about Damian Wayne's existence way before Bruce did and didn't tell the man because of everything they went through. He switched his murderous plan of vengeance, for long-term vengeance.

Talia entered the room cradling a sleeping baby against her hip.

Jason (wide-eyed): Is that a baby?

Talia (nodding): Yes.

Jason (worried): Is that… your baby?

Talia (firmly): Yes.

Jason (panicking): Oh God, oh God! Is it MY baby?!

Talia (frustrated): In your mind, maybe! But here in reality, we never had sex! I’ve said this over a hundred times! You trying to woo me was met with rejection! You were my surrogate son for Ra’s sake! I damn sure wasn’t going to do that while you were underage and insane. What kind of person do you take me for?

Jason (bluntly): You swear allegiance to your father at every turn.

Talia (cutting him off): I did NOT sleep with you, though!

Suddenly, the baby sneezed, startling Talia.

Jason (jokingly): Then whose baby is it? Bruce's?

Jason chuckled, but Talia shot him an unamused glare.

Talia (sighing): Yes, he is the father.

Jason (surprised, then doubtful): …No, he’s not.

Talia (insistent): He is.

Jason (musing, chuckling): …No, he’s not.

Talia (through gritted teeth): Yes. He. Is.

Jason (shaking his head): He can’t be. No way.

Talia held up her index finger and pulled out her phone, dialing her father.

Talia (when he answers): Father, the DNA test revealed Bruce is the father of my precious tifl, correct?

Ra's Al Ghul (sobbing): Stop reminding me of that! I only want to focus on him being an assassin, not related to that man!

Talia ended the call and looked at Jason smugly.

Talia: There you go.

Jason (stunned): You and him… had him? And… oh my God, the supposed tough man who can never fold, folded for a booty call!

Jason began to chuckle, which quickly turned into fits of laughter. He sat down, still laughing, while Talia tapped her foot impatiently.

Talia (offended): It was NOT a booty call! Our night of passion was unforgettable… especially since the condom did, in fact, break. Damn gas station contraceptives!

Jason (between laughs): You used the ones from the gas station? Oh God! Wait, wait, who had it?

Talia: He… did. They were in his wallet.

Jason (enjoying this): You’re both idiots when it comes to sex!

Talia held the baby, who had been quietly observing their banter, close to her face.

Talia: Big Brother Jacy doesn’t understand that you are the love child of a perfect pair.

Jason laughed harder, covering his eyes.

Talia (seriously): Do not tell Bruce. He’s not ready to meet him yet.

Jason (grinning): Oh, I won’t! I’m not telling him a thing.

Talia (deadpan): You better not. If you do, I have men who can make your death look like a suicide or render you a vegetable.

Jason wiped a tear from all the laughter.

Jason (sincerely): Chill, Talia. I'm serious. The secret is safe with me until you're ready to tell him. It’s the perfect revenge. But when that happens, send me pictures of his reaction.

Talia (rolling her eyes while cradling the baby): You’re ridiculous.

Jason (smirking): Thank you! What’s his name, by the way?

Talia (pondering): I’ve been debating different names. Ra wants me to name him… Ra Jr.? Yeah, no. I decided on Damian. Damian for my cute wittle baby.

She rubbed the baby's cheeks, eliciting a giggle, but Talia stopped when she heard Jason chuckle again, ignoring his judgmental smirk.

Talia (defensively): No judgment! I’ve always wanted a baby by Bruce. Never tell my father I showed that affection.

Jason (teasing): I might.

Talia (warning): If you do—

Jason (interrupting): Yes, yes, you’ll toss me into the river or whatever.

Talia: Yes. Now that you’re here, would you like to spend time with him?

Jason glanced at the baby resting his head against Talia's chest.

Jason: Sure, especially since I can rub that in Bruce's face too.

Talia: Not the healthiest mindset, but okay.

Jason: You sure are in a position to judge me, woman who had sex with a guy who isn’t with her at all and then had a baby because of a broken gas station condom—priceless!

Jason walked off, leaving Talia alone with her son. She groaned, raising her left eyebrow in annoyance, but when she heard her baby yawn, she looked down at him and nuzzled her nose against his cheek.

Talia (softly): My tifl.

---> Bruce finds out about Damian

---> Dick confronts Jason about keeping this secret

---> Bruce meeting his son part 2