#quoting nicki because she was so real for writing that line

[ainasobsession]

"S" on my chest 'cause I'm ready to save him Ready to get buck on anybody that plays him."

[lonelier-version-of-you]

What is your favourite Henrik scene? Or if you can’t pick one, a top three?

That... is a very good question.

TBH even a top 3 would be difficult to do. I could maaaybe manage a top 10. 😂

I'll just do different top 3s for different categories, that seems reasonable. I'll do a list for best writing, best acting, and personal favourites. Each list is in no particular order.

Best acting:

- His reaction to Fredrik's death in Group Animal

- His meltdown in No Matter Where You Go, There You Are part 2

- The "you haven't fixed me, I can't be fixed!" argument with Josh in S23E07 (I didn't even like this episode, but I think you could make a very good argument for this scene being one of Guy Henry's best performances ever, if not the best performance he's ever given.)

Best writing:

- The scene in We Need to Talk About Fredrik, when Henrik recounts the events with the patient who pushed Nicky over, and Mr. Clarke asks Henrik about his reaction.

Mr. Clarke: And how did that make you feel?

Henrik: Feel? ...I don't understand the question.

Mr. Clarke: You had gone out of your way to make this new F1 passive. To remove any sense of agency or free will from her. To protect them from themselves. To... keep her out of the firing line, in fact. And yet here she is, lying at your feet, injured, vulnerable. I'm interested to know how that made you feel.

Henrik: ...Well, I called security and had the assailant ejected from the building, as per hospital policy.

Mr. Clarke: That's not what I asked. But, you know, whatever.

I have still never seen a better depiction of alexithymia than this scene. Henrik specifically being asked how he felt, and still describing the actions he took instead... I didn't even realise that this is a thing I also do until I watched this scene tbh.

- His conversation with Sacha in the garden in Blind Spot.

Sacha: We're all worried about you, if that means anything. Roxanna, in particular.

Henrik: Well, she's worried that I haven't sought out therapy. ...Nothing strikes me so profoundly as the fact that, I have to suffer [for what Fredrik did]. I helped cause this damage, so how can I wring my hands and weep and wail about how I feel?

Sacha: You make it sound like self-indulgence.

Henrik: For therapy to succeed, one must engage with it. One must want to get well.

Sacha: And you don't?

Henrik: ...I have no interest in myself.

Sacha: You hate yourself too much to try to heal?

*Henrik nods*

This scene just. Says so much about Henrik's character. It's perfectly written, even if it does make me feel very sad about him and his self-loathing.

- And what type of Henrik fan would I be if I didn't include a scene from Hanssen/Hemingway in here? Especially the scene I get my blog description quote from.

Jac (about Henrik running away to Sweden): You'd just disappeared.

Henrik: Have you ever tried to disappear? It isn't easy. I don't give Lövborg [his father] credit for much, but vanishing off the face of the Earth for three months takes effort.

Jac: Why would you want to disappear?

Henrik: Have you never wanted to escape? Feel that weightlessness one normally feels only in water? Finally feel... truly free? I'd like nothing more.

Jac: Are you coming back?

Henrik: No. Why would I want to come back? To a mediocre British hospital that has no faith in my leadership?

Jac: Because I don't want to work at a hospital that cares more about making money than treating patients. Because you're crazy enough to stick your head above the parapet when it counts.

Henrik: Well, we all know what happens to people who stick their heads above the parapet, don't we?

Jac: It was me. I was the one who stabbed you in the back. I told Cunningham [the hospital chairman] I had no faith in your leadership, but I was wrong.

Henrik: Is that the real reason you came to Sweden? For absolution?

Jac: I did something wrong, and I had to try to put it right.

To me, this is the Henrik scene. The one that defines his character. (Perhaps unsurprisingly, as it was written by Justin Young, who created Henrik in the first place.) I used it as the opening to my 'Somewhere In Stockholm' fanvid for good reason. This is also the scene that truly starts the Jac and Henrik friendship IMO, and the writing for Jac here is excellent as well.

(...I feel really bad for not having anything from an Andy Bayliss episode here, because he is by far one of the best writers for Henrik, but that's the thing - his Henrik writing is so good that it's impossible to pick out particular scenes.)

Personal favourites:

- His meltdown in No Matter Where You Go, There You Are part 2. I know I listed it earlier but it's worth mentioning again because while it's one of Guy Henry's very best performances, it's also a scene that just means a lot to me. Like... an autistic character got upset and had a meltdown and lashed out and the scene was about him and we were encouraged to sympathise with him. That's something I have hardly ever seen in media.

- The sensory overload scene in If Not For You is excellent (come on, guys, you didn't really think I was going to post about my favourite Henrik scenes and not mention INFY at any point, did you? 😂). Probably one of the most accurate depictions of what sensory overload feels like I've ever seen, and they conveyed it without a single special effect in sight, at that.

- His conversation with Maja in theatre in Never Let Me Go, when they're operating on the amnesiac patient:

Maja: How sad our patient has to face something like this alone. No family, no friends, no sense of who he is or where he's come from...

Henrik: I don't know, I think there's a certain appeal in being a blank canvas. Gives one the opportunity for reinvention.

Maja, shocked: But not everyone wants to erase their past, Henrik!

This scene is just... as a post in my drafts that I never got round to posting says: "yeah, your autistic characters may make cute and quirky social mistakes that everyone can have a nice laugh at, but do they express envy of a man with amnesia because they wish they had a chance for a fresh start like that, in front of their horrified allistic ex-girlfriend?"

And that drafted post is a joke and all, but really - this scene epitomises everything that made Henrik's writing in series 15 the absolute best writing he's ever had to me. Say what you want about his portrayal in other seasons, but series 15 Henrik alone is the very best media portrayal of an autistic person I've ever seen. Because he got to be disabled, even when it wasn't convenient, even when it wasn't funny or cute or quirky. He was allowed to not understand things, he was allowed to say things that freaked other people out because they didn't get his thought processes, and while other characters may have been rude about it, the show never once shamed him for it. (TBH Henrik is at his best when the show is allowing him to not understand things. I'll die on that hill. I wish it was something I saw more recognition of in meta and fanfic. Like, really, fandom, the developmentally disabled man is allowed to not understand things, I promise, he's not always pretending not to, he's not always deliberately being a jerk, sometimes he actually doesn't understand and that's okay! It's fine! I promise!)

Also honourary mention to another scene in Never Let Me Go (when Maja talks to him in his office and asks him about the patient - "But he's so lost. He's alone in the world. You must feel... something?" "Not particularly.") because it's one of the best depictions of low empathy I've ever seen (because you can TELL Henrik really does want to have that emotional response, and he feels guilty that he doesn't - Guy Henry has said before that Henrik has perceived himself as "incapable of love" for a long time, and I'd argue that part of why Henrik sees himself that way is because he's had it so drilled into him that if he doesn't empathise it must mean he doesn't care), and to his last scene in Like A Prayer with him cradling baby Oskar just because it’s so sweet and one of the rare moments we’ve actually been allowed to see Henrik being happy.

(...Thinking about it, an awful lot of my favourite Henrik scenes are the ones relating to his autism. Hell, like, the Reyhan storyline was absolutely rubbish, one of the worst storylines in the show’s history, and there are still some scenes from it that I think are excellent because of how they address Henrik’s autism and how badly other people have treated him for it. I just identify with Henrik a lot, ok.)

[julies-butterflies]

I must admit, sometimes I do feel like a ye olden solider, sending letters to my beloved across the waves during wartime. Oh my dearest Lydia, I hope the kudos and comments crops have been plentiful this season. Your last letter left me weeping. Why must you put poor Reginald through such pain?

(I gotta admit, I still can't believe that I'm talking to you. I've been looking up to your work for so long...it just feels a bit surreal, even now! Glad you like hearing my ramblings! And that you liked my vampire prompt! Did not realize you'd write back when I sent that in. Look at us now, huh?)

(Speaking of prompts, I sent those jukebox and willex ones too. And I loved them both so so much, I shall scream about them more when it is not 2 am because I need sleep)

(Oh and the update of If I Was You!!! Amazing, Stellar, Incredible, Reggie, Carrie, Julie shenanigans is my new favorite thing, DID YOU JUST DOUBLE THE CHAPTER COUNT, and I'm like 90% sure Trevor is in deep trouble with a certain angry jazz ghost. Seriously loving it)

I actually do not remember what it was like to send in 1/5 asks, because I did not get a Tumblr until very reccently! I've always been a nerdy person, but Jatp is my first time being really in a fandom. You gotta do something new in quarantine, right?

Ah yes. Luke and Emily. To me, it just seems obvious that there's so much love between them. Even with all the pain. You get it. You put it down so eloquently.

As for what kind of stories I like to read...it seriously depends on my mood.

I like niche aus, passion projects. Stories where you can just feel the author's love for the world they're inventing. But I tend to lean towards cannonverse. I like ghost stories, it's what drew me to this show in the first place. And I love exploring that concept. (Being forever gone, and always the same...it's just fascinating to me)

Platonic goodness is just WONDERFUL for this show. I will read anything with cuddles. I am touched starved and these kiddos are too, and I will cry about them puppy piling every damn day. Plus there's just some much POTENTIAL for future friendships! I love ones where Flynn and Carrie get to interact with the boys as well. And 90s content, from before and after the orpheum, just hits hard.

I really wasn't expecting to get invested in the couples on this show, but something about them is moving to me. So I do love to read about them. Watching two queer kids who lived during incredibly important areas of queer history find love together after death really hit hard for me, and there's just something so bittersweet about a girl and ghost deciding to love each other for the little time they're given.

I love family dynamics too. Anything with Ray and his seven disaster children, the band and Trevor.... I think Julie and Emily is one of my favorite dynamics to explore. A girl who lost her mother and a mother who lost her son, both grieving but with one able to speak to the dead...it's just very powerful to me.

(And of course, Luke and Emily, but I figured you already knew that)

Mostly...I like seeing the messy stuff. The unexpected consequences, the baggage. I want to see the messy emotions, the grief and anger, the jealously, the disorientation. I look for those glass shards, that might be too sharp to ever be addressed on the show. Not even the big, monumental plot lines just... the harder pieces of life, the little moments that don't fit neatly into a nine episode arc.

I just want to see them live you know? Love, laughter and loss all mixed together.

(One of my all time favorite tropes is "found family gets broken apart by trauma, only to find each other again and come back stronger than ever." I feel like this explains a lot of my taste in fiction)

Thank you for the writing advice. Your words were very motivating. I am trying to begin! I got up the nerve to start working on a little piece. Who knows if it will go anywhere. But it's been nice, to finally put some words on the page.

The POTC au is so freaking good man. The character dynamics are just on FIRE. Everything is broken and messy and the relationships genuinely tug at my heartstrings. It's such a fascinating story. Highly recommend, even with the cliff hangers.

OH HOW COULD I FORGET PAWPRINTER? Man oh man I love all her work. The wheelies art and steals universe is freaking amazing, not an avacado had me in tears (of laughter, till things got surprisingly sad). And All that Remains...slow burn Willex perfection. Jedi Alex and Pilot Willie have my HEART.

I don't think I've read firefall and weneedglitter (or if I have, I'm just not connecting the names to their pieces. I don't always remember author names. it's a problem). I will go look for them though! Cannot wait!

For more recs, I recently binge read We Found Wonderland. I was not mentally prepared for the sheer amount of feelings that gave me. Highly recommend, if you ever want an emotional rollercoaster with an incredibly satisfying end.

Going on to more serious subjects...I'm sorry your family doesn't see your grief for what it is: honest. Better to feel everything quietly, than make it an easily understadnable performance. Fake grief is so easy to spot.

I think of that scene from "Forever," when Buffy breaks down and tells Dawn that she has to keep busy, because if she stops, it means Joyce is really gone. There's a lot of truth there.

On a tangent here but.. there was a very long period in my life when I was told the ways I expressed my emotions were "incorrect". And I found that sometimes, no matter how you show your emotions, you'll always be criticized. Numbness can be called disinterest, but sobbing can be called attention-seeking too. Too big, too small: that jury was impossible to please This may not apply in your situation but...it's okay to feel however you can. It's the only think you can do, really.

As I've said before, Grief is such an odd trickster.

Don't you ever get tired of missing people... This past year, I've been so weary of grief. Sometimes it can be so sharp, but it's that dull ache. That ball and chain, no longer cutting through your skin, but rubbing it raw, weighing you down.

And people don't like to talk about that part, because it's long and tiresome, but oh, is it there. I find it hard to talk about my grief, because sometimes there's just so much of it. I could drown in it, and that fear keeps me from looking to close. To incorrectly quote Jane Austin: "If I missed you a little less, I might be able to talk about it more."

(Sometimes it's faceable. But sometimes you just can't bear it. And that's okay.)

But what you wrote in that eulogy...the love is there. It's in every word you write. I cried reading that section. I feel honored once again to see some of your jagged pieces. You're sharing your heart, and there's just so much love.

In the wise words of an author I know, "Love is like the snow Reggie. It never goes away."

And don't worry, I'm always with you.

Sending Love,

-LydiaStan7845 (aka Vampire Anon)

So...that Reggie and Nicky prompt

my god

my GOD

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

I think it's safe to say congrats, you've officially destroyed me! I was not prepared for that at ALL. I should know better by now I guess.

I can't get over that even though they all take place in very different universe, all your stories just feel so connected! The way this talked about those headphones, which you mentioned in the first chapter of Kill Your Heroes...it's just so cool. All the characterization and backstory is just so well thought out, and it genuinely blows my mind.

I didn't think I could love Nicky Peters more. I was wrong. The way you write about him...even though you never go into exactly what happened to him after Reggie's death, you can just feel how much it's shapped him as a person. And the trauma around his father, and how he fears becoming like that, was just so beautifully written. He's just so lovable and flawed and trying so damn hard and you made my heart ache for him. Again.

You always take these genuinely crazy situations and...you just make them feel so real. I love you explore the strains such a revelation would put on Nicky's own life, it just makes everything so compellingly messy. It seriously feel like I was watching a real-life account of a family trying to deal with such a massive complication.

That porch scene had me in tears both times I read it. Reggie's just always a big brother, even though Nicky is more than twice his age now. My heart was shattered, and then you slowly mended it, piece by piece. And for absolutely no reason at all, you wouldn't happen to have a reference for the porch, would you?

Just wow. Hope you're doing well. Sending love and applause

-Vampire Anon

i’m not even gonna reply, but i want these documented... on my blog... for posterity.  ( for any curious onlookers, i’m dating this anon now!! )

[homicidal-sheep]

Notable Quotes from TOG Comic

I finally got around to reading the first volume of The Old Guard and while I’m sure other people have done this much better, I’m still gonna write down my thoughts. 

1.) “Bring me one of them, I don’t care which one” - Merrick

Okay seriously? I love movie Booker but in the comics, he easily could have given himself up. Merrick literally stated he only needed one. Again, I love Book but it’s slightly harder to sympathize with him here. 

2.) “[Booker’s] practically a fucking baby” “If he’s dead thats just...its so unfair. Why does he get to die and not me?...I don’t know what I’m gonna do if I’ve lost him too” - Andy

Okay so this is multilayered. The first quote is quite a bit before the rest but it stills shows how Andy views Booker. When she thinks Copley’s men killed him she’s first a bit jealous. Bitter that this baby got to die and she would be forced to keep on living. She does care for her soldiers though, and doesn’t want to lose another. Earlier, in the argument over retrieving Nile, its actually Andy arguing against it, Booker agrees with Joe and Nicky. Andy brings up that she was made leader, and she needs to protect her people. Getting Nile puts them more at risk. She goes on to list Booker’s usefulness but its clear she cares.

3.) “...as bait!” - Andy and Nile

I just included this because it explains why Booker was left behind in the safe house. I’ve seen people discussing why. 

4.) “Andy wants me to tell you that keeping in touch with your family risks exposing us all...that is not the real reason. The real reason is to protect your heart.” - Booker

Something I thought was interesting was that Booker did not initiate the talk on family. Andy suggested Nile ask Booker. Booker is a warning of what can happen. His family grew bitter and resentful, they could easily have told anyone. He in turn also grew bitter and resentful. Andy had a similar experience, staying and loving a human as they grew old. Her lover was far more understanding but it still hurt her in the end. Both learned the hard way that loving humans only ended up with pain on their ends, so to protect their hearts they had to stop loving so much. Andy was far better at this than Book.

5.) “Andy just cuz you got a computer doesn’t mean you’re on the internet...Booker connecting to the web in a damn cave thats-” - Nile

5.5.) “Nile tried to warn me. She saw this coming. But the truth is, so did I.” - Andy

Okay first off, love Nile. So smart. I 100% support her dreams of becoming an art history major like damn, follow your dreams. You have the guards one brain cell, take advantage!

Secondly, Andy’s reaction to Booker’s betrayal. She knew, she suspected, but she was blinded by love and apathy. She says something along the lines of finally feeling angry. And how it felt good to feel things again. Between Niles presence and Book’s betrayal, she finally has something to fight for, and live for, thats not sex, booze, and death. 

6.) “I want something to live for. Right now thats the people on my team.” - Andy (which was inspired partly by Niles “Every day you waste is one you don’t get back”)

As I said above, this gave her the push she needed to realize how much of her immortal life she had wasted wallowing. This is said after Booker explains why he did what he did. How he did it for THEM because he saw his own misery in her eyes and wanted to do something about it. The parallels between her and Bookers arcs show how easy it was for them to get lost, and how easy it was to lose hope and give into their bitterness and jealousy. 

7.) I don’t have a quote but I would like to mention Nicky and Joe

They aren’t as...idk abundant? Nothing quote wise stuck out, it was more artwork. Besides the art being...questionable, I just felt they were more, maybe not ruthless, but callous. In the movie, Joe and Nicky can be violent, but they don’t take pleasure in it. I don’t know if their actions in the comics can be seen as “pleasurable” but they just seems more, willing I suppose. I don’t blame them in the least, it’s just different. I just love all the analysis of Joe and Nicky and their relationship with violence and the comics just felt off, after reading them.

8.) “What’re you gonna do?” “Live” - Nile + Booker’s last conversation. 

I have really mixed feelings on this. My initial thought was, this doesn’t feel earned. As I wrote this long ass ramble, I somewhat changed my mind. 

In the movie, I could see something like this, at least with Andy. She is the one who flat out told him, we have been doing a shit job of living these past few centuries. So it makes sense for him to look at her and say, I will try, I will try and live because thats what you want from me.” Do I think he would succeed? Maybe. Not before a lot of wallowing at least. He is still depressed and I really do not think he can pull himself out without some help, be it his family or just some random neighbors that grow weirdly attached to him. He defines himself by the people around him and what he can do for them, and never really seemed to learn grow as a person beyond his all consuming grief. 

Comics wise, Andy gave a somewhat inspiring speech, threw them out a window, drove off, then she and Booker shot each other like children throwing dirt until Nile used a machine gun on them (good for her btw. I’m also going to throw this quote from Booker in, “Let me explain damn you! You owe me that much at least!”) Andy hasn’t lost her immortality so he feels less guilt over that specifically, enough to still feel entitled to explain himself, even when he has now sentenced 2 of his brothers to torture. He still truly believes he did this for both of them as I said before, and if it was just Book and her, no Nicky, Joe, or Nile, I think she would have been more inclined to agree. Seeing her resolve, and change of heart, it seems to be enough for Book to realize that he was indeed, in the wrong.

I suppose seeing Andy with a newfound purpose could inspire him a bit to try. Good for him, maybe he’s have more luck. He seems more of a chainsmoker than an actual alcoholic (not that thats a lot healthier or a better coping skill). I just think he would grow disillusioned pretty quickly. I felt the comic was trying to show he had a newfound appreciation for life (what with him smiling (? its hard to tell with the art) off into the distance) but I just don’t think enough has happened to keep it up. So maybe in that instance it’s maybe earned, but is in no way gonna stick around for long. (I haven’t read vol 2 yet so who knows).  

Idk this was a very long ramble, maybe it makes sense, maybe it doesn’t. I didn’t mean to make that last bit all about Booker, whoops. These were just the big things I noticed while reading that I wanted to bring up. (Sorry about any typos!)

[fallingin-like]

november 12

peu à peu by @zombiesolace​ [requested by @jsteneil]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!

this is a really interesting character study on post-canon kevin and how he finds his place within the foxes and deals with the aftermath of the events within the series. this fic has a lot of introspection and does a really great job of unpacking everything.

this is such an intriguing fic to me, i don’t see that many that really delve into kevin and his thoughts. i can’t imagine how difficult of a time he must have, both throughout the series and during post-canon events. this fic really made me better appreciate the struggles that he goes through because it’s really common to have his actions portrayed without any of this explanation or why he acts in certain ways. we always see his single-mindedness with respect to exy and just kind of write it off as kevin being kevin. i think you effectively explored his character and inner thoughts.

some parts that stood out to me:

“it goes like this: they lose.” uhm somehow you were able to break my heart in the first two lines of the fic? i love the simplicity of the way you worded this, it contrasts really well with the significance of what it means, for the foxes, but especially for kevin.

kevin yelling at the team after the loss feels very in character. it reminds me of what he was apparently like when coaching the foxes prior to playing, and we see a little bit of it in the books themselves. it really comes down to the fact that kevin is desperate. for a lot of the foxes, the loss stings, but at the end of the day it’s just a loss. the criticism is harsh and they don’t understand why kevin is so hard on them. to kevin, it’s his life. not just because of the fact that he’s definitely trying to go pro and have exy as his career and not just because the moriyamas are definitely watching over him, but because that’s how he was raised as a child. kevin’s terrible childhood is somewhat overshadowed by the rest of the foxes, but he likely still has trauma from how he was raised in the nest, under the master and riko. so much pressure that it feels natural that he wants to try and regain control in some way.

”they’re a team, they fall together. and yet after each game this year, kevin has found himself falling apart alone. biting shame and swallowing frustration as he tears into each overanalyzed mistake” i find in life it’s so easy to isolate yourself from the people around you. the foxes probably find it hard to be sympathetic towards kevin, but they probably don’t realise that as harsh as he is to them, he is exponentially more critical of himself. in your own head, mistakes can be an unending loop, constant and distracting. this fic is really opening my eyes to what kevin is dealing with and appreciating him so much more.

”their win last year was a fluke. a gift given to them by virtue of the trojans. a simply byproduct of the hardiness of the foxes and the instability of riko’s collapsing domain.” ohmygoodness nooo it’s always so hard for me as an outsider to see kevin (and really anyone) struggle with the imposter syndrome. so many people (including many talented fanfic authors!!) write off their talent, skill, and hard work as fluke or luck as opposed to the many hours spent bettering themselves and practicing.

”it is with an overwhelming sense of dread that kevin thinks of his death. with each day the reality of riko’s loss feels more sure… kevin wishes riko’s ghost had followed. he wishes riko were still alive. he wishes he were alone, he wishes he weren’t.” wow i love the way you wrote this, with his conflicting thoughts. since we experienced the series through neil’s pov, riko’s death feels more like victory and less like a loss. it’s something to be celebrated. but i think it can almost be seen as similar to mary’s death, which neil mourned. both characters were abusive and did things that were wrong. and yet, they were loved. whether we like it or not, riko was kevin’s family and though their relationship was twisted and manipulated, especially as they grew older, riko was the person that kevin was closest to. emotions are so complicated and i bet kevin feels like he can’t discuss this with the other foxes, who don’t quite understand.

”he knows that his commentary is far more nuanced by virtue of being a fox. kevin takes the out and opens the folder he has on the roadrunners.” this is kind of small, but i find it has some significance. it can be so easy to do the thing that you know is self destructive and get caught in a rabbit hole of pages and articles of bad. good on kevin for not doing that.

”the name wymack clings to his tongue. coach sits temptingly at the back of his palette. my dad, his mind whispers, the words clear and intrusive.” ugH it must be so so hard for kevin to work through this. i love these lines.

”andrew pokes his head out of the bedroom. he stares blankly at kevin, his hair mussed… he leaves the door partially ajar. kevin feels something in his chest loosen.” oo i really really liked this part. andrew has his own unique way of showing that he cares and i love seeing the small things that he does.

the whole conversation between dan and kevin is so interesting. the actual information that you’re sharing about exy and the way that they interact. i think you did a great job of showing a realistic back and forth.

”riko was always right there. kevin never had to call him.” these two sentences, and actually that whole section is really just so heartbreaking. you do a great job of making me understand kevin, something i haven’t really done so before.

”that’s not true. he does know. he enjoys having the ability to express his opinion. it’s a novelty he’s still getting used to.” oh, kevin.

”kevin can’t see any of the foxes. they disappeared into the store moments upon arrival and three out of the four are too short to be seen over the aisles.” lol what a mood (i am short)

kevin’s interaction with the fans is so interesting. i wonder if he often dealt with actually meeting fans during his time as a raven. it’s also really interesting to see neil from this point of view, he almost seems… unfamiliar? but not in a bad way. it kind of really brings us into the perspective of kevin.

abby-kevin relationship is so nice. i think it’s great that kevin has a maternal figure that he can find comfort in

the section on kayleigh is just so so sad. it makes me feel grief for someone i never knew. it aches knowing that she was such a wonderful woman, that kevin had her and now he doesn’t.

”’wooo!’ nicky shouts, ‘now that was a wake up call i didn’t need.’” ohmygoodness i love the way that you write nicky! it really lightens the fic a bit more.

honestly the bit about jean being waterboarded is horrifying to me. 

i like that wymack took kevin to riko’s funeral. there’s a sense of closure that has to do with it, kevin being with his real family while saying goodbye to what used to be his family

”he doesn’t recall riko breaking his had. he remembers before, and he remembers after but he doesn’t remember the moment his life changed.” i really appreciate the formatting you used with this, the line separating the first sentence, the way that you broke up the second sentence into two lines. it feels more impactful, more significant.

”he can see nicky and aaron showing off their most ridiculous dance moves in the corner for one another” oh my goodness this is amazing

“he wonders if they’ll call him an ex-fox when he graduates or if he’ll always be labeled an ex-raven. the nest had a quiet energy that fox tower doesn’t.” oh oh i like this a lot

also i like how you broke up the texts with paragraphs of kevin’s thoughts. it shows the gaps between his texts more and i feel his loneliness more keenly. the double-texting with the periods between reminds me of when i am at my loneliest

i love kevin’s conversation with jeremy. he’s known as one of the nicest, brightest characters in the series, but we really see why. how he is able to relax kevin and just speak to him.

your explanation of kevin choosing history as his major is so insightful, i’ve never really considered it, but now i wish i had

”i want andrew to enjoy himself. he does it rarely, kevin, you’re aware of that” renne is just so great.

the part about kevin using twitter, especially as a way to try and connect with thea is so interesting to me.

”’does he know you’re better than he is?’ she’d whispered in his ear” I LOVE THIS LINE what a turning point in kevin’s journey

ahh the part about nicky telling andrew about the conspiracy station, it’s so nice to see the way they are bonding like his

andrew is such a complicated character, i absolutely adore the way that you write him. a lot of the time i read a softer side of him, through the perspective of neil. kevin and andrew have a fascinating relationship, i love seeing it from kevin. “he gives kevin a thumbs up”, “i hear you, andrew says” these are so perfect

wymack giving kevin an extra jacket is peak dad behaviour.

recently i’ve been so fond of seeing authors incorporate the title of their fic into the writing. this is no different, it makes the title have that much more meaning “little by little, the bird builds his nest” i love this. how did you come across this quote? it’s so fitting for this fic

the dynamic between dan, wymack, and kevin is so so interesting. wymack and kevin are so similar that sometimes i guess it causes a distance because they’re not the best at communication. and it must be hard. they’re related, but still have so much to learn about each other. i guess i’ve never though much of how close dan and wymack are. you do a really good job at capturing the tension that exists, the interactions.

”he thinks a lot of people would rather he never spoke again” oh no this hit me hard

the little part where kevin and dan are talking about neil’s shot, i like this little bonding that we see. exy is the thing that has brought them together

”’you’ll make a good wymack,’ he says. dan jerks back, her mouth open, and her eyes stunned.” oh this is so nice

”he wants to say he’s my dad, but he’s hers too; hers more so and that’s dan’s point. what would he know? ‘he saved me too,’ he says instead” oh my goodness i love this so much

sorry but neil and kevin teaming up and nicky and aaron teaming up so that andrew loses is the best part of this fic and anyone that believes otherwise can fight me!!! “when they arrive in columbia andrew makes an aborted move like he will shut neil out of their room and it’s the first time kevin hears something like a laugh from neil.” this is so soft i needed this

go thea!!! thank you for making her so amazing in this fic!!! i like how you write their relationship, it’s refreshing and really interesting, we don’t know that much about thea

THEA TAKING OFF HER NECKLACE WHEN KEVIN CHANGES HIS TATTOO THIS IS THE BEST

there’s so much that you covered in this fic. kevin’s relationship with exy, riko, the rest of the foxes, wymack. i love the way that you worked through everything. the gradual improvement of the foxes following with kevin’s mental health improving. but we can really see how far he has come when they lose and he’s okay with it. you made me feel so close to kevin. your writing is wonderful, so many little details that just build to make this fic amazing. thank you so much for writing this!

[momestuck]

Let’s read Hiveswap Friendsim... volume 17!

The penultimate volume. Let’s sacrifice a few more timelines to the great tapestry of fate that we’re weaving. Or more likely, Doc Scratch is weaving.

This time, “Of Teen and Tech, Acerbic”.

One more jade, and one more indigo. I think at this point we have a pretty even spread across the non-Sea Troll blood colours.

Daraya

I thought there was a TV show of this name, but apparently it’s ‘Daria’. This troll and that Daria seem to have a similar attitude, judging by the image. As for ‘Daraya’, it refers to a handful of places, notably Darayya in Syria, which was apparently the site of a massacre seven years ago during the civil war. Oof.

Daraya is the final troll written by Cee. L. Kyle, creator of prior memorable trolls Bronya, Zebruh, Remele and Lynera. I guess Cee likes writing jades.

Anyway, Daraya’s route begins as a few have in recent episodes - the protag feeling lethargic and listless, too tired to make friends.

We end up in a cerulean neighbourhood. There are some pointed lines...

When this game wants to, it really skewers its targets.

Anyway, the music kicks in as we realise Elwurd (the huge lesbian) texted us to invite us to a party. A bunch of other trolls seem to be showing up as well...

The track this time is called “trollkind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. to obtain something, something of equal value must be lost. that is alchemys first law of equivalent exchange. in those days, we really believed that to be the worlds one and only truth”. No prizes for guessing who decided to name a song after an extended quote from Fullmetal Alchemist.

There’s some more emphasis on how artificial our friendship feelings are...

Anyway, as we approach the party, we spot Daraya, busy looking very goffick.

She’s not thrilled to see us. Of course we’d be friends with Elwurd, she says grumpily.

Now in Befriend Mode, we do our best to mimic her whole ‘disaffected slouch’. Apparently being vaguely cynical and depressed is pleasing to Daraya. She seems to like Elwurd though...

Lesbians, I swear...

I swear...

Anyway, we learn that Daraya has snuck out of the caverns - though she’s not as restricted as little Wanshi. She whines about Bronya’s ‘cloister rules’. But hey, she met Elwurd through Bronya...

We blather about how the caves aren’t so bad, and namedrop some other jades we know. Daraya is not impressed.

Anyway, she’s not invited. So our first choice is to tell her to go home or invite her in.

Let’s let her in, because the other way doesn’t seem to go anywhere interesting.

Bronya isn’t the only troll we know at this party. Chahut apparently hasn’t yet shipped out off planet, and she shows up too.

Chahut makes some remarks about how fascinating she finds jadebloods... or ‘greenies’ as she puts it. She makes a murder joke about whether Daraya is really jade or not.

Yes, that’s exactly how I’d put it. Definitely.

After that brief brush with death, Daraya gets other ideas.

Mmhmm. As we head off, Daraya suggests we have a reputation for being ‘unconventional, weird and rebellious’. That’s certainly one way to describe ‘being a clueless alien pathologically addicted to making friends’.

Ahahaha nicely done.

Unfortunately we don’t have a lot of edgy rebellious ideas tonight.

I’m in favour of being a hoodlum.

Lots of new backgrounds in this episode. Somewhat different style too...

Apparently these are by Phil Gibson.

We ask Daraya how she’s doing. Her answer: not well.

Daraya says some dangerously radical stuff about how everything sucks for everyone but the highbloods... and maybe them too. We get a callback to the joke from last time...

Ha.

The narrator refuses to comment on that. That’s a good call, I think.

Daraya continues to complain. As a jadeblood, she’s not going to have to go into space, but life in the caverns tending to matters of social reproduction. We commiserate, which she appreciates.

We raise an eyebrow at the mention of Lynera. Danara assures us that she hates her - and not in a romantic way! (“or well...”)

At that point, we run into Tyzias. Just the person to take Daraya’s alienation and dissatisfaction and forge it into a revolutionary will, right?

Luckily, protag has the same idea. Which is no doubt why Tyzias was written into the plot at this point.

The well known “goth to anarchist” pipeline, right?

There’s a brief allusion to the weird shift that happened with Fozzer - a vague memory of a different Fozzer. “But why did you remember that guy?” indeed.

Tyzias tries to give a Daraya a little pep talk against hopelessness... Daraya is not particularly persuaded.

God I know that utterly depressing feel. What can one troll do, indeed?

Tyzias answers it the challenge.

She’s not wrong.

Daraya is not exactly being won over, but the protag does manage to get her to chill a bit and keep the conversation going. Tyzias has more real shit to say.

Daraya challenges her - is it just about making herself feel better, if there’s no realistic hope of real change? Tyzias says... in some way, it is. And the protag chimes in - that doesn’t make it less effective, at whatever little it is achieving.

At the end of this, I’m gonna try and make a list like... troll I would most want to be friends with in real life, and least, favourite route and so on. Spoilers: Tyzias would be the friend I’d want to make.

Tyzias points out like... what the hell else are they gonna do? Daraya finally admits she’s got a point.

And... having secured a friendship between not just us and Daraya, but us and Tyzias... we reach the end of the arc.

Let’s go fuck shit up. By which we mean, read law books. I guess!

That was nice. I fully support this lesbian goth and her budding revolutionary consciousness.

God I’m predictable.

Unfortunately, finding the friendship route here means it’s all downhill from here.

If we tell her to go home instead of bringing her to the party...

strut pod encasements!

That was predictably short.

OK, now for the non-phoned in side branch.

She does have an idea, it turns out. We hop into our (now quite low on fuel) car, and head off to a ruined city somewhere near the thriving one we’re living in.

Ooh. I wonder what we’ll find?

We make our way to an abandoned mall to go urbexing. Fuck, I love reading about urbex. Too much of a shut-in to have ever actually tried it.

We end up in a food court with the roof caved in. It’s apparently cool as hell. Alas, it’s not illustrated.

I’m not sure which rebellion this would be associated with. That of the Signless, or some other?

Ah, that narrows it down. The Signless rebellion, then. In which case... Alternian malls are really built to last!

We comment on the strangeness of the absence of adults, but this upsets Daraya.

Apparently, as an adult, she’ll be cloistered off on her own somewhere, and forbidden to contribute genes to the slurry. Huh.

To be honest, it’s a wonder that most other trolls are so cheery. Daraya’s attitude seems like the sensible one on this planet.

Daraya says some real shit about the existential dread she’s living with, the paralysing hopelessness of having no future to speak of.

Hey Daraya, do you fancy this copy of Baedan I happen to have on hand?

make total destroy etc. etc.

Anyway, at this point... Daraya somehow manages to set the mall on fire by throwing a mall at a cooker.

And... the narrator has no choice but to leave, as Daraya lets herself burn in the centre of the mall, one of the few places she cared about.

God, this episode was a bit real lol.

It’s not wrong though. Leftist theory certainly hasn’t cured my depression (lol), but it has given me some perspective to put it in a context where it can be managed, I guess. Something to work towards, no matter how futile it may be, in this fucking hell world that created me.

In the words of 2B... “Everything that lives is designed to end. We are perpetually trapped in a never-ending cycle of life and death. Is this a curse? Some kind of punishment? I often think about the god who blessed us with this cryptic puzzle... and wonder if I will ever get the chance to kill him.”

Let’s look to the struggle within the cycle. What else is there?

Nihkee

So now for...

Nihkee. She stronk. Keep your pants on, lesbians.

Nihkee is the creation of David Turbull, who previously made Tegiri (weeb) and Tirona (baby lawyer). Her theme, appropriately bombastic, is another James Roach piece with a long name: “lmao i still dont know if it’s nicky or nike (like the shoe, not like... the name mike)”. Make of that what you will.

This episode opens in media res - at a sporting arena. How did we get here?

We seem to be watching some kind of cage fight. Knowing trolls, I imagine it will be a lethal one.

Apparently we’re attending to Amisia. She bemoans the ‘boorishness’ of the purplebloods.

This seems to be the troll equivalent of pro-wrestling, rather than, say, MMA. However, injuries are a lot more common. We learn that Amisia won us tickets in a raffle, and invited us to this ‘Display of Muscular Theatre’.

We are watching The Huntress (olive) fight Cullpitz (purple). The narration mentions that Cullpitz is bizarrely un-clowny.

The fights are, naturally, rigged by hemospectrum. The narration notes that The Huntress seems to be deliberately holding back to avoid inciting the crowd. Amisia, however, is excited for the next competitor: Nihkee Moolah of course, who - Amisia claims - has never lost a fight.

Cullpitz wins the fight, and causes The Huntress a likely permanent injury. The protag feels sick enough to have to step away. But as we leave, we get drawn into a conversation with a violetblood (seadweller). He promises money (nah), fame (no thank you) and at last, friendship. And the deal is sealed.

Unfortunately, Nihkee’s opponent is dead. Which means... he wants us to take their place. Having an alien will make big money for the ring.

Let me guess: the choice is gonna be to refuse this terrible plan or go with it.

Maybe, but not yet...

We meet Nihkee, in the middle of working out. Some of these trolls are dressed more for MMA than pro-wrestling but who knows.

There’s a meta joke in the narration.

She is not best pleased with the showrunner for interrupting her prep. Though, I get the impression it’s all in the spirit of showtrollship.

Sure are some muscles. I’m not entirely sure what the [()] typing quirk is menat to represent exactly. Probably not a yonic symbol?

It’s worth noting at this point that all of my knowledge of professional wrestling comes from reading the TVTropes pages a couple of times. If you’re curious, it’s an impressively comprehensive discussion of wrestling terminology and the various dynamics involved in its production.

Kayfabe is the way wrestlers pretend in their media appearances that pro-wrestling competitions are not mostly scripted athletic performances with exaggerated personas, but genuine fights between real people who actually act like their stage characters. Now all the fans fully understand that wrestling is fake (but still fun), it’s not taken as seriously, but apparently it was a huge deal back in the 70s. Give the article a read, it’s fascinating.

Nihkee is not particularly impressed by the suggestion of performing with us.

We protest. At length.

We get the first choice: are we ready for a BUTT CLENCHING, FLESH ABRADING, KNUCKLE BLISTERING, MUSCLE RIPPLING, SMACKDOWN FROM UPTOWN?

Of course we fucking are.

She gives us guidelines for the show. Basically: follow her storyline. “The alien invader challenges me in an exhibition match to TOPPLE the MIGHTIARCHY.” We struggle, but eventually...

...PREVAILS AGAIN!

(I guess to convey suitable drama, a lot of Nihkee’s dialogue is split between multiple dialogue boxes, which makes it a little hard to take screenshots.)

We ask if we’ll die. She assures us no - unless we’re especially weak. But even then...

Well, that’s a great reason to die. Sign me up.

Secondly, an “exhibition match” means we will not be challenging each other for positions on the “flexeladder” - otherwise we’d have to wrestle nude, like at the “Intergalactic Trollympics”. I’d count that as a blessing.

We bring up the question of face and heel. You can read about these on tvtropes, but the narrator does a pretty good job of explaining.

In troll society, of course, the traits we’d ascribe to a ‘heel’ are valorised. So we’re just going to get crushed under her heel. Indeed.

Time for the match. The showrunner does the announcement for Nihkee.

In a clear allusion to good old Equius, Nihkee’s entrance is accompanied by a shower of thrown glasses of milk from the fans.

And opposing her whole deal is...

“Some messed up lowblood alien”. Huh, usually when I go into an arena fight in games I’m the “mysterious stranger”. Who could have seen this coming?

Ah, that’s what fate was working towards this whole time! Thanks, Doc Scratch, for your dedication to the cause of wrestling.

So, naturally, we’re playing the foreigner. Here to prove our superiority to trollkind. TVTropes naturally has an article on this: the Foreign Wrestling Heel. We’re going by the book here.

We put up a good bit of bravado. But are we prepared to face, Nihkee demands, her...

OK, you got me. I’m laughing out loud again.

The protagonist puts up a pretty good show, it seems like - barely dodging Nihkee’s attacks in a suitably dramatic fashion. We bleed, but the narration suggests that under the stage lights, the trolls will take it as ordinary ‘rust’ blood and not ‘mutant’ red. We hope.

Nihkee invites us to attack with appropriate pomp. But we...

...don’t do that, not directly. We springboard off the edge of the cage in “a classic clothesline manoeuvre”... and get knocked the fuck out.

But we haven’t reached our second decision point yet, so that can’t be the end of us. Hopefully we gave the trolls what they wanted.

Do we even have a fourth wall anymore?

Anyway, this turns out to be Nihkee’s hive. She is not impressed at our ring performance - getting knocked out by our own attack. Well, that’s fair.

Training montage incoming?

Hell yes. (She calls everyone sister, including the announcer guy, in case you’re wondering if that’s an implicit gendering of the protag.)

She’s brought us to her BRAWNISEUM. As we can see in the illustration... it’s pretty much made for Space Marines to train at.

After her speech about our indomitable will and potential, she invites us to ASCEND with her.

Hell yeah. Let’s [S] ASCEND together!

Of course we fucking take it.

We start with the acid treadmill. (The acid doesn’t seem to be depicted.) She turns it up... a bit fast.

We manage to run at 12 miles per hour - which is about bronze level good. Apparently all the machines rate us by blood colour. While the low end of the hemospectrum gets the badass psychic powers, the high end gets the physical strength, it seems. There’s more jokes about how great our legs are - they merit a cerulean!

All the while, Nihkee ‘encourages’ us in a way that’s gendered in the opposite way that things usually are on Earth.

After half an hour of that, she gives us a protein shake... except it’s not a protein shake but ‘gatorade mixed with milk’. Amazing.

Then we get tested for ‘pressure resistance’ in a soft iron maiden. Apparently that’s olive level.

The overall verdict?

Hooray.

We do more of this - including getting chased by a literal toothy monster. By the time we finally collapse...

She’s impressed by our commitment - our “strength of heart and soul”. And our great appreciation for the MOST RIGHTEOUS OF PURSUITS... earns us the recognition of “workout friend”.

And that rounds out the arc. Presumably after some more of this, the narrator will be due for a return to the ring.

Go us!

Easy arc to find the right answers in, evidently. Now to see what happens if we hesitate.

First of all, before the match...

We can’t watch as she pulls out lowblood challengers from the audience and smashes their faces into the spikes. Oh, trolls. We get treated to an image of this, too.

Mmm, indeed.

Now, if we hesitate later before the workout session...

She dismisses us - unworthy of her gifts, unwilling to reach our full potential.

She tells us to get out of her sight. The narration steps in to make another meta joke (that’s like three this arc?)

We get a fake out fade to black and the first note of the end card music... but then!

...GET RIIII(...)IIIPPPPPED! In our own way.

D --> Hmm, 100k at this e%tremely subtle reference.

Anyway, that someone turns out to be... Stelsa! And Tyzias, who happens to be present. There’s a brief discussion of a fast food service called ‘door smash’, and Stelsa’s love of scheduling. They’re cute together.

But let’s get down to business... to defeat...

...our own flimsiness.

Stelsa’s into it.

Then we hang with her and Tyzias for a bit. We suggest Tyzias might consider energy drinks.

This arc then extends over... a long time!

Multiple weeks! And the training seems to be going well...

It’s almost as if ‘drill sergeant’ isn’t the ideal demeanour for a coach after all.

But as we go to show off our progress to Nihkee, the question of this being a non-canon branch leads us to hesitate.

So we decide to ‘blitz our chakras’ to try and work this out. We put on some ocean noises (which leads to a change in the soundtrack! soft music starts playing, seguing into the menu music) and... start imagining some metaphors.

In our reverie, we slip beneath the surface of the river.

Things get kind of meta. I’m just gonna take a bunch of screenshots because this seems... important.

The images of failed branches, all these catastrophes, blur together on top of each other.

We are implored to ‘find our river’. And we find the two branches of the current route... one sounding much more inviting than the other.

Then things get REALLY meta.

And then we get the rest of the arc in some kind of summary form, all in this... letterboxed? That’s not the right word, but whatever... all in this view. Nihkee is not pleased to see us. We come up with the idea of sneaking in.

It does not seem to end well.

She chases us on one leg and we escape by getting her run over by a train. But she becomes a cyborg coming to chase us down, terminator-like. Yeah, seriously.

NIHKEEBORG spends a year hunting us across the wilderness. And eventually... she catches us. We die.

And coming out of the meditation, we decide... not to do that. We just go to Stelsa’s house instead, and let Nihkee be.

Oof.

God, you never know what you’re going to stumble onto in this game. That was amazing.

Next time: FINAL CHAPTER.

[ontheedgeofrecovery]

What was different?

Hang tight, this is going to be a long one. I hope it is worth your time to read. Also, I put a hell of a lot of time into writing this, so I really hope it is helpful for someone (anyone!) out there.  

So, I was messaging with a friend the other night (and by the other night I mean a few weeks ago because this took me forever to write) who I met a long time ago in treatment (you know who you are and I miss you and love you!). As we were talking about how hard it is to be in treatment, I started thinking about my own last experience in treatment. What made it stick? Why was it that time that I was able to stop the cycle of going in and out of the hospital? I have struggled with anorexia and restrictive eating since about the age of 7. It didn't turn into a full-blown eating disorder until I was 13, but the seeds were there around 7ish when I started to become very rigid about what and when I would eat. Anyway, it's been a long struggle. And then from 13 to 31 I cycled in and out of treatment. I literally have lost count of how many times I have been admitted - I don't say this to brag (I have noticed this is a thing in treatment), but rather to emphasize that clearly something was not clicking for a long time. In the summer of 2014 my treatment recommended palliative care and to stop trying to get better in the hospital. Basically, let nature take its course. 

I pretty much accepted that the only thing left to do was die, but then decided to give it one last go and embarked upon one of my longest stays in treatment ever (October 20, 2014 to August 22, 2015). Although to be fair, I "left" many times. Usually for a day or two and then I would come back and resume my stay. I am so lucky I found a place and a treatment team that was willing to put up with my flight impulses and always accepted me back. I went from inpatient to PHP to residential to PHP to inpatient to PHP, and then finally IOP. I really hung in there and allowed myself to get to about 90% of my ideal before I discharged. Which I don't think I had done since being 15 and being at Remuda. While I clearly think this is one of the bigger players in how I got myself stable, there are others. 

What was different? How did I allow myself to stay that long in treatment and sit through the discomfort of gaining almost double my body weight?

Well, there is no one simple answer, but I have been mulling it over in my head the past few days and I thought I would jot down my thoughts 1) because I feel stuck where I am at in recovery and maybe this will be motivation and 2) I don't have many readers, but for those of you who are out there maybe this will be helpful? So here they are in somewhat of a particular order (though these have changed over time in how they contribute and maintain my "recovery" (I hate using that word, because I still struggle a lot with food, but I am so much better than where I was and maybe this is what recovery looks like for me?).

Anyway.

1) Cannabis -  This is kind of what kick-started the whole journey. I was 31 and had NEVER been high. Not edibles (well, obviously), not smoking. Nothing. I was absolutely terrified of getting high. I had heard so many stories of people getting paranoid and having panic attacks. I am already so anxious that the thought of something making me more anxious was an absolute no go. In addition to that, I am a rule follower and smoking weed was definitely against the rules. 

My brother came to visit in March of 2014. I was not in a great space. This gets confusing because my brother and my ex are both named Nick, but we called my brother Nicky growing up so that is what I will call him here in order to differentiate. Nick had been trying to convince me to try smoking for years, pretty much since we started dating in 2008. I was steadfast in saying it was a no-go. However, Nicky made a compelling argument that I had tried everything else and was dying anyway so why not try it as a last-ditch effort to save myself. Or at the very least make the time I had left enjoyable.  

I did and it opened my world in so many ways. It made me feel more connected to a greater whole. It made me realize that I am not alone in this world and I felt less isolated. Coming to terms with this made me realize how insignificant I really am in the overall scheme of things. This really helped me put into perspective the amount of time and energy I was putting into something that was not contributing at all to the betterment of society, my relationships, and I was not okay with this. 

It also reduced my rigidity. Things just seemed clearer when I smoked. It was kind of like a veil lifted. I had more room for flexibility. Smoking also fills me with a feeling of hope (similar to my feelings of connectedness). Things just don't seem so dire and pointless when I am high. It seems like things could be different, that I can choose a different reality. 

And finally (I don't know why this is, but I would LOVE to do research on this someday), I saw myself somewhat accurately when I smoked. For some reason when I am high I am able to see myself more realistically. My distortion doesn't completely go away, but how I see myself is definitely closer to what is real. I would look down and see my body and be like, "oh shit, this is really bad”. This even happened to me tonight when I smoked. All day long I was feeling really uncomfortable in my body and seeing myself way bigger than I actually am. I hate to say "fat," because I don't see myself as fat, I just see myself as a little above average - which everyone tells me is not true. Tonight though, I looked down and was like, yeah, I am at a normal weight, but I am on the low side of normal and I could see it for a little while after I smoked. 

I don't know if that makes sense, but basically starting to use cannabis made me see things from an entirely different perspective. Throughout the summer of 2014 I gradually began to believe that things could be different. That maybe the amazing clarity I had when I smoked was how things were supposed to be. Maybe if I could get to a better place I would feel the happiness and hope I felt when I was high. Maybe if I gained weight things would get better. And for the first time in a long time, I believed it. 

2) My (now ex) husband drew a hard line in the sand - This was a huge influence as well. I started my treatment journey at Princeton (which I chose because I had never been there before - I also knew they had private rooms and that was a huge draw. Also, to be totally honest, I had been essentially banned from a number of other treatment centers for being a repeat customer and always leaving before I was ready). However, I signed myself out after a month.I had a million reasons - I was the oldest one there, they were making me gain weight too fast, I knew everything they were teaching me, it was depressing, I was sick of being on bedrest, it wasn’t fair, the staff sucked... on and on. 

Nick was PISSED. He had finally reached a point where he couldn't do it anymore. He told me I was not allowed to come home. He said if I came home he would either move out or that he would file for divorce. 

I was devastated. Nick had never done this before, he was never thrilled when I left treatment, but he also was a little happy to have me home and doing marginally better. I didn't know what to do or where to go, so I knew there was no escape, I had to go back to treatment. I chose a place near my family so I would a) have the support and b) if I stepped down I would have a place to stay. Nick made it clear I was not allowed home until I had put on a significant amount of weight and my treatment was onboard with a discharge from care. 

I knew if I was going to save my marriage and get home, I had to at least stay long enough to be appropriately discharged. There was no escaping it. Also, this didn't happen until a little while after, but when Nick did ask for a divorce, it hit me that I had become my dad. My father has a lot of mental health issues and my mom stuck by him through the years. But at some point, he stopped being an active participant in his own care and health. My mom couldn't do it anymore and she left him. The quote, “watching someone drown in a puddle and all they need to do is stand up” comes to mind. She just couldn’t watch him refuse to stand up anymore. 

It completely devastated him. I have always been afraid of becoming chronically mentally ill like my father and losing everyone in my life. By continuing to go in and out of treatment and cycle in and out of doing well enough to maintain relationships I was going to follow in the exact footsteps as my father. I see how miserable his life is and I continue to use that image to push to not listen to everything the eating disorder tells me. 

3) I wanted my dogs back/needed to get out of where I was living - In May of 2015 (when I was in PHP and living at my mom's boyfriend's - his name is Don - house) Nick asked for a divorce. I was doing pretty well in treatment, still struggling and being non-compliant at times, but continuing to attend every day and slowly weight restore. I still don't know entirely when the scales (no pun intended) tipped, but they did. I don't know if Nick realized how much more peaceful his life was without the eating disorder or if he just didn't believe things would change. Regardless, he said he was going to file for divorce. 

I went from "staying at Don's house" to living at Don's house in one phone call. To say I was devastated is an understatement. In fact, I am still devastated. I saw my parent's marriage end because my dad couldn't get sober and now I had done the same thing in my own marriage. I lost the person I was closest with because of the eating disorder. I guess, in a way, this was part of what kept me at treatment as well - the hope that I would get well and Nick would take me back. I still hope this will happen, but I know it won't. Anyhow, I digress.

Living at Don's house sucked. I was living with my mom again at age 32. I felt like such a failure. It wasn't even my mom's house I was staying at, it was her boyfriend's. It was not comfortable living there, it was awkward. It was awkward sharing a space with Don and his son who has a lot of anger issues. My bedroom was uncomfortable. I slept on a twin bed for the first time since I was a teenager and it was lopsided. It was out in rural NH and I hated that all my friends and anything to do was a quite a drive away. Everyone in the house smoked cigarettes and I hate the smell. But what I hated most was I was not allowed to have my dogs. 

My dogs are the most important thing in the world to me. I love those little beasts so fucking much it hurts at times. And I hadn't seen them in 7 months. I absolutely needed to get myself out of that house and get my dogs back. However, I could not do this without a job. And I could not get a job while I was still struggling so much with eating and reliant upon the structured schedule PHP was providing for me. I made it my mission to get to a point where I could hold a job and get my own apartment. If I was going to stay well long term and not have to be re-hospitalized, I knew I had to give myself more cushion room in terms of weight gain than I ever have before. 

4) Yoga - Yoga has become really trendy lately and with good reason. There are so many benefits to yoga that go far beyond the physical. For me, the primary thing I learned in yoga is that if you stay persistent, the uncomfortable gets more comfortable. And things that seem impossible become possible. 

I have a very special relationship with avoidance and perfectionistic behaviors. I tend to avoid things I am not good at or not even try at all. I hate being uncomfortable. Like, no one likes being uncomfortable, but I have a particularly difficult time with it. Not being good at something and building the skills you need to get better is often very uncomfortable. I pretty much have always shied away from things that challenge me to the point of being uncomfortable. This is for a couple of reasons 1) I hate not being good at things 2) It doesn't seem worth my time if I suck 3) Getting better at things requires being uncomfortable at some point and I don't like it. 

I often do not stick with things that I am not good at or require discomfort on my part. I will try to pick up a hobby and not be good at it and quit. Or I will try to get myself in better shape by trying to lift weights or run and it makes me feel discomfort, so I quit. Although I go to the gym every day, I will not do anything beyond walking because pushing myself physically is uncomfortable (though I will walk 7 miles in a go, I hate breaking a sweat). I don't like to eat because I have a nauseous stomach and that is uncomfortable. I don't like to try new things because the unknown is scary, so I avoid it. Basically, what I am saying is I never stick with anything long enough to see the discomfort dissipate and the rewards of tolerating the discomfort come through. i.e. weight restoration, facing fear foods, sitting with the feeling of food in my stomach, making choices about what to eat, physical activity, anything I am not immediately good at. 

Yoga at first seemed like a thing to get into because I wasn't allowed to really exercise and at least it was some physical movement. I was so desperate to be able to move more that I didn't care that I wasn't very good at it. Also, I went to a gentle yoga studio and everyone there was so accepting and welcoming to people who were just getting into yoga. I kept going to yoga and I actually started to get better at it. I didn't feel any pressure to be getting better, but I began to see it happen anyway.

I started taking harder classes. I started to learn to breathe through the uncomfortable poses. That they would end and that next time I did them they would be easier. A friend of mine sent me a yoga sequence and it was hard. Like, an hour long with a million chaturangas (when you lower yourself like a pushup, into up dog and go back into downward dog). The first couple times I did it I couldn't do all the chaturangas, so I skipped a lot of them. But as I did it everyday, I was able to do more and more. Eventually, I could do the whole sequence and even the jump back from crow into chaturanga! 

Committing to doing yoga every day was the first time I really stuck with something through the uncomfortable learning period and allowed myself to see the benefits of my practice. It started t make sense to me that other areas of my life could be similar to yoga - that if I didn't focus so much on the discomfort in the moment and rather on the fact that it would pass and I would be better for tolerating it that I would gain skills. I finally got that part of growing and evolving involves a certain amount of discomfort and acceptance that you won't see results right away. Yoga has taught me so much. To accept my limitations and also to push them, to breathe through discomfort, to not be so hard on myself, and that I am capable of growth and change. 

Here is a great little blurb on Reddit about discomfort and yoga: https://www.reddit.com/r/yoga/comments/5hc0b2/yoga_has_taught_me_to_welcome_discomfort_into_my/ 5) I agreed to medications - I have always had a not so great relationship with medications. I have a ton of side effects and I just really don't like taking them. Over the years I have gone on and off medications so many times. I will take them for a while, go off them, fall apart, go back on them, not really get better, have side effects, go off them - you get the idea. Even when I found something that helped I would frequently go off it after a time because I really didn't want to be on meds. 

I finally got desperate enough that I thought, hey, it improves my quality of life, fuck it. Even if the medications shorten my lifespan (worst-case scenario) then at least I had some years with decreased mental health issues. I started to really talk to a psychiatrist about finding something that worked. It was trial and error and took a little bit of time to find the right meds that a) helped and b) didn't cause horrible side effects. The two medications I am on certainly do not get rid of the obsessive thoughts or the anxiety, but they certainly make it way more manageable. 

I don't feel as much like a prisoner of my brain or that my brain is a prison - either or. And I have remained compliant instead of being like, "oh things are better, I don't need these!" Because I do need them. I have a brain-based illness and I wouldn't turn down medications if I had any other disease of the body, so really this is no different. 

6) I went slowly but surely - I stayed in treatment for a loooonnngggg time and took weight restoration pretty slowly. It sucked and I so wanted to get back to life, but every time I have done weight restoration the quick and dirty way in the past, it didn't stick. I would either leave treatment early because it was happening too fast and I was too uncomfortable. Or I would leave treatment and be unable to adjust to my new body and rapidly relapse. I knew I had to do things differently. I was very lucky I had good insurance and a treatment that was willing to work with me. Also, not lucky, but I have comorbid mental health issues (anxiety and OCD) that helped keep insurance covering me. 

7) I gave up trying to eat intuitively - This is a big one too. I always thought that recovery looked like eating normally. For me, it doesn't look like what most people would classify as normal. It is very regimented and I eat a lot of very safe foods. And I used to think that meant I wasn't in recovery and why keep trying. I might as well go back to listening to what my brain tells me and not eat. I mean, if I couldn't eat normally, why even bother?

I decided to try something different than what is encouraged in treatment. I began to eat the same thing every day. The same exact thing at the same exact times. No matter how I felt. This helped me for many reasons 1) I got used to the foods I was eating and desensitized myself a little 2) It took the overwhelming choice of what to eat out of the equation. Deciding what to eat is really stressful for me and so I often avoid it. Eating the same thing every day meant I didn't have to make decisions 3) I could stop counting calories. If I eat the same exact thing every day there is no reason to count calories. I did at first but eventually seeing the same number every day seemed like a waste of time and unnecessary. 4) I am super routine, so once I get in the groove of something, I stick with it. Now even when I feel nauseous or I had a rough day and don't feel like eating or I am having an uncomfortable body image day I still eat at my scheduled times, because, well, routine. It is more uncomfortable for me to break my routine at this point than it is just to eat what I have eaten every day for 3 years. 

I am not saying this is a great long term solution, but for people with chronic and severe anorexia, it is better than anything else I have found in managing a healthy weight. Like I said, maybe this is what recovery looks like for me right now. I hope it gets better in the future, but I am just happy to be participating in life.

8) I eliminated almost everyone I was in treatment with from my social media - Well, not everyone, but other people who were cycling in and out of treatment like I was. It just wasn’t healthy for me to see their posts. People would post how they were going back into treatment or pictures of them that were incredibly triggering. So, I didn’t want to see that anymore. It made me feel like there was no hope when I would see someone doing well no longer doing well. Or to see the constant treatment posts. Some people glorified being sick or seemed to take pride in how sick they would get or how much weight they had lost. It was just a world I needed to step back from. For me, I experienced a lot of competitive and self-destructive feelings when I would see people thinner/sicker than me. I would feel either a) I wasn’t really sick enough to need help and b) jealous they were thinner than me (I hate this part of the eating disorder and I am kind of ashamed to admit this here). 

I also needed to build a community that wasn’t treatment based so I wouldn’t miss it. I grew strong relationships in treatment that I had a hard time finding in the real world. Treatment and the community within it didn’t consciously keep me ill, but when I wasn’t there and I would see group pictures. It made me feel as though I needed to go back to the safety and community of treatment. Again, I just needed to focus on something other than anorexia to escape the cyclical pattern I was in. 

I certainly kept in touch with some people who continue to struggle, but these are the people I regularly talk to and have authentic, real friendships with - not people I just followed because we spent time in treatment together. It was sad to unfriend these people, but I just needed to build a life outside of treatment and to focus on my friendships that had nothing to do with eating disorders. It helped me regain an identity outside of anorexia. I needed to be exposed to normalcy around eating after being surrounded by people who struggled with food/weight/body image. I needed to start to have conversations outside of my obsession and dysfunctional relationship with food. 

Anyway, that was long, but I hope there were some nuggets in there that helps someone. Thanks for sticking with me through to the end if you read this! 

[helloworlddemo1122-yahoopar-blog]

Taylor Swift vs. Katy Perry: The Complete Timeline of Their Feud

Taylor Swift and Katy Perry's pop star feud just keeps on giving!

Over the past few years, these famous frenemies have seemingly used their beef as songwriting material, addressed their differences in interviews and have gotten their squads involved. 

Here's a look back at how the feuding first began and how it's progressed:

Sept. 8, 2014: Taylor Swift's Rolling Stone Interview

Getty Images

Getty Images

Prior to Swift's revealing Rolling Stone tell-all, Perry and Swift appeared to be friends, gamely posing at awards shows together.

But Swift had everyone talking ahead of the release of her GRAMMY-winning 1989 album, thanks to her quotes to Rolling Stone magazine, in which she revealed that she had a feud with a fellow pop star, which inspired her hit song, "Bad Blood."

"For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not," Swift said. "She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, 'Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life?'" 

"She did something so horrible," she continued. "I was like, 'Oh, we're just straight-up enemies.' And it wasn't even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me.”

Several internet commenters then noted that Perry did lure a few backup dancers away from Swift's tour as she embarked on her own Prismatic tour in 2014. However, according to one of the dancer's agents, the dancers "exercised a 30-day out in their contracts and left Taylor, but Katy didn't steal them."

"They just didn't want to tour with her anymore because there is basically no choreography or dancing in her show," the agent claimed.

While Swift did say that the feud had nothing to do with a boy, both previously dated singer John Mayer.

Sept. 9, 2014: Katy Perry Calls Swift a 'Mean Girl'

Watch out for the Regina George in sheep's clothing...

— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) September 9, 2014

Perry didn't shy away from Swift's Rolling Stone comments, tweeting the next day: "Watch out for the Regina George in sheep's clothing..."

In January 2015, Perry confirmed the tweet was pointed at Swift.

"​​If somebody is trying to defame my character, you're going to hear about it," Perry told Billboard magazine when asked if her tweet was about the "Shake It Off" singer.

May 23, 2015: Taylor Swift Will Never, Ever Talk About Katy Perry Again

In an interview with The Telegraph, Swift made it clear she was over Perry. "I'm not giving them anything to write about," she said when asked about about her nemesis. "I'm never going to talk about her in my interview. It's not going to happen."

Swift did, however, confirm she had her "enemies" in the business. "It's not real if someone appears to never have any issues with anyone," she explained. "I have my friends. I have enemies."

July 22, 2015: Katy Perry Hits Back at Taylor Swift Amid Her Nicki Minaj Beef

Finding it ironic to parade the pit women against other women argument about as one unmeasurably capitalizes on the take down of a woman...

— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) July 22, 2015

The pop star feud was resurrected when Perry jumped in on the Twitter beef between Swift and Nicki Minaj over the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards nominees.

"If I was a different 'kind' of artist, 'Anaconda' would be nominated for best choreo and vid of the year as well," Minaj tweeted, getting vocal about her VMA snub. “If your video celebrates women with very slim bodies, you will be nominated for vid of the year."

Swift took the tweet personally, responding, “I've done nothing but love and support you. It's unlike you to pit women against each other.”

Perry then chimed in with a devastating tweet referencing "Bad Blood."

"Finding it ironic to parade the pit women against other women argument about as one unmeasurably capitalizes on the take down of a woman..." she wrote.  

July 27, 2015: Taylor Swift Throws 'Left Shark' Shade at Katy Perry

@TSwiftOnTour@TSwiftNZ@taylorswift13 THERE WAS A SHARK DURING #BADBLOOD TODAY #BADBLOODSHARKpic.twitter.com/VXWetafdj6

— Jillian ❤🎤🎧 (@Swifty448) July 26, 2015

Swift appeared to be back at it again later that month, seemingly trolling Perry during her Foxborough, Massachusetts, stop as part of her 1989 world tour. Her performance of "Bad Blood" curiously featured a cameo from a life-sized shark mascot -- a not-so-thinly veiled dig at Perry's Super Bowl dancer-turned-internet meme.   

July 13, 2016: Calvin Harris Brings Taylor Swift and Katy Perry's Feud to the Forefront

pic.twitter.com/m6ebYV8D1r

— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) July 13, 2016

Time, the ultimate truth teller.

— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) May 9, 2015

Swift's ex-boyfriend, Calvin Harris, brought up Swift and Perry's bad blood when he slammed the singer on Twitter. Harris was upset after Swift's rep confirmed that the singer wrote his and Rihanna's summer hit, "This Is What You Came For," under the pseudonym Nils Sjoberg -- when the two were still a couple -- and after Swift began dating actor Tom Hiddleston, who she broke up with that same year.

"Hurtful to me at this point that her and her team would go so far out of their way to try and make ME look bad at this stage though," he tweeted, after initially praising Swift. "I figure if you're happy in your new relationship you should focus on that instead of trying to tear your ex bf down for something to do."

"I know you're off tour and you need someone new to try and bury like Katy ETC but I'm not that guy, sorry. I won't allow it," he continued.

Perry later tweeted out a GIF of Hillary Clinton shooting out an epic "I told you so"-look shortly afterward.

Adding more fuel to the fire, Perry then retweeted her own tweet from May 2015, where she wrote, "Time, the ultimate truth teller."

Sept. 10, 2016:  Katy Perry Would Collaborate With Taylor Swift Under One Condition

if she says sorry, sure!

— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) September 10, 2016

Perry was looking for an apology after a fan asked her on Twitter: "Will you ever collab with Taylor Swift?"

She surprisingly tweeted back: "If she says sorry, sure!"

Oct. 26, 2016: Katy Perry Rocks Out to Kanye West's 'Famous' Taylor Swift Diss 

Perry once again rekindled the pop star feud while celebrating her 32nd birthday at Kanye West's concert in Inglewood, California. She even shared a video of herself dancing along to the rapper's now infamous Swift diss in "Famous."

May 20, 2017: Katy Perry Calls "Swish, Swish" an 'Anthem' Against Bullying

Though Perry never mentions Swift in her song, "Swish, Swish," the track is clearly slamming somebody, and of course, fans couldn't help but notice that that "swish" isn't so far off from Swift.

"From a selfish or a sheep/ Don't you come for me/ No, not today/ You're calculated/ I got your number," Perry sings. "'Cause you're a joker/ And I'm a courtside killer queen/ And you will kiss the ring/ You best believe."

"So keep calm, honey, I'ma stick around/ For more than a minute, get used to it," she continues. "Funny my name keeps comin' outcho mouth/ 'Cause I stay winning."

"I think it's a great anthem for people to use whenever someone's trying to hold you down or bully you," Perry told Jimmy Fallon about the song during her appearance on The Tonight Show. "That's kind of what this record is about. It's just like [a] 360-degree liberation. ... I think 'Swish' represents the liberation from all the negative that doesn’t serve you."

Of course, some of Swift's pals definitely didn't see it that way. Ruby Rose took to Twitter to defend Swift and slammed Perry, writing: "Purposeful poop" to 'bomb a petit' to a sloppy mess of writing over the top of Funkagenda..stop trying to make 'Wit..I mean 'fetch' happen."

"I've always stood up for the people I love and against things I think are cheap or mean spirited. That's not new. You have to follow your ❤," the actress continued. "I just think with everything going on in the world to go from rebranding as political activist only to ditch it and go low.. is.. a bummer."

May 22, 2017:  Katy Perry Claims Taylor Swift 'Started' Their Feud and 'It's Time for Her to Finish It'

Perry didn't hold back during her Carpool Karaoke segment with James Corden, addressing the beef head-on.

"Honestly, it's really like she started it and it's time for her to finish it," Perry said after the Late Late Show host asked her to clear things up. "She wouldn't speak to me. I do the right thing any time that it feels like a fumble. It was a full shut-down and then she writes a song about me and I'm like, 'OK, cool, cool, cool. That's how you wanna deal with it?'"

"But, what I wanna say is that I'm ready for that B.S. to be done," she added. "Now, there is the law of cause and effect. You do something and there's going to be a reaction. And trust me, Daddy, there's going to be a reaction. It's all about karma."

It should be noted that "Swish Swish," coincidentally, has a line about karma, where Perry croons, "Karma's not a liar."

June 8, 2017: Katy Perry Slams Taylor Swift for 'Trying to Assassinate' Her Character

Perry wasn't quite done talking about Swift. In an interview with NME, she gave background on why she decided to address the feud with Corden.

“I mean, I’m not Buddha -- things irritate me,” she said. “I wish that I could turn the other cheek every single time, but I’m also not a pushover, you know? Especially when someone tries to assassinate my character with little girls [her fans]. That’s so messed up!”

June 8, 2017: Taylor Swift Puts Entire Song Catalog Back on Streaming Services -- Right When Katy Perry's Album Drops

Actions speak louder than words. Though Swift has stayed silent on Perry's comments about her, she announced on June 8, 2017 that her entire song catalog would return to all streaming services at midnight -- just when Perry's Witness album dropped.

Perry was later asked about whether the move bothered her during an interview with the Today show's Natalie Morales. "I don't know, I can only do me," Perry replied. "All I need to say to her is I love her, and God bless her on her journey. And that’s it."

June 10, 2017: Katy Perry Is '100 percent' Ready to 'Let Go' of Feud

Perry made it clear that she was ready to make amends with Swift during a conversation with Arianna Huffington, which was live streamed to promote Witness.

"I'm ready to let it go. Absolutely, 100 percent," Perry said of the longtime beef. "I forgive her, and I'm sorry for anything I ever did, and I hope the same from her, and I think it's actually... I think it's time."

"There are bigger fish to fry, and there are bigger problems in the world," she continued. "I love her and I want the best for her, and I think she's a fantastic songwriter, and like, I think that if we both, her and I, can be representatives of strong women that come together despite their differences, I think the whole world is going to go, like, 'Yeah, we can do this.' Maybe I don't agree with everything she does, and maybe she doesn't agree with everything I do, but like, I just... I really, truly, want to come together, and in a place of love and forgiveness, and understanding and compassion."

June 12, 2017: Katy Perry Changes a Key 'Swish, Swish' Lyric

Perry backed up her conciliatory quotes by pointedly changing a few lyrics while singing "Swish Swish" during an outdoor concert for her fans. Instead of singing the line, "Don't you come for me," in the first verse, Perry sang, "God bless you on your journey, oh baby girl."

July 19, 2017: Katy Perry Says She's 'Always Loved' Taylor Swift Despite Their 'Differences'

Perry wasn't done trying to make nice with Swift. 

In an interview on Australia's Today show, Perry reiterated that she had love for the singer. "I mean, I love her, I always have," Perry told host Richard Wilkins. "We've had our differences, but I just continue to say, 'God bless her on her journey.'"

While Swift never acknowledged Perry's compliments, Twitter was abuzz that the ladies would finally put their beef behind them at the VMAs. After all, Swift did so with West at the 2015 VMAs when she presented the Video Vanguard award to the rapper, and when she jumped onstage to open the show with Minaj after their Twitter feud that same year.

However, Swift did not end up attending the 2017 VMAs.

August 24, 2017: Katy Perry Releases Star-Studded "Swish, Swish" Music Video

Like Swift's "Bad Blood" music video, Perry enlisted a bunch of celebrities to star in the music video for her single, "Swish, Swish," her diss track widely speculated to be about her frenemy. The release was ahead of Swift dropping her first single, "Look What You Made Me Do," off her album, Reputation.

August 24, 2017: Taylor Swift Releases Shady "Look What You Made Me Do" Music Video 

While Perry hosted the VMAs, it was Swift that got people talking with her shade-tastic music video for "LWYMMD."

Main moments of shade include Swift made up in a way that could be described as “Katy Perry-esque” and wrecking a car (complete with a Katy-cat in the front seat).

March 17, 2018: Karlie Kloss Addresses Taylor Swift Feud Rumors After Hanging Out With Katy Perry

The model-turned-tech philanthropist was longtime friends with Swift, and opened up to The New York Times after fans started speculating that she was now Team Katy. After all, the girls was spotted hanging out together a month prior.

"Don't believe everything you read," Kloss said simply.

March 18, 2018: Katy Perry Subtly Shades Taylor Swift on 'American Idol'

The feud continues! @katyperry throws SHADE on @taylorswift13 on @AmericanIdol#AmericanIdolpic.twitter.com/IBut9mAkhn

— TalentRecap (@TalentRecap) March 19, 2018

During a montage segment of Idol hopefuls auditioning for the panel, Perry's fellow judge, Luke Bryan, asked one scruffy, guitar-carrying singer, who he looks up to as a musical artist. "I'm sorry for this Katy… Taylor Swift," the hopeful answered nervously.

"Oh, you don't have to be sorry," Perry replied.

"I love Taylor Swift," the contestant added, emphatically.

"I love her, as a songwriter, as well," Perry stuttered, before shrugging indifferently.

Will these two ever make amends? Here's more on the feud:

May 8, 2018: Katy Perry Sends Taylor Swift a Literal Olive Branch:

It appears the feud is finally over. Swift shared a video of an olive branch and a note from Perry on her Instagram Stories on May 8, one night before her Reputation tour kicked off. The note is addressed "Hey Old Friend," and a closer look at the handwriting shows that Perry apologized to Swift.

"Hey old friend, I've been doing some reflecting on past miscommunications and the feelings between us, I really want to clear the air," the note reads. 

Swift was clearly pleased by the gesture.

"So, I just got back to my dressing room and found this actual olive branch," she says in the video. "This means so much to me."

"Thank you Katy," the text on the video also reads, along with pink heart emojis.  

Katy Perry sent Taylor an olive branch for the opening night of the reputation Stadium Tour! pic.twitter.com/6GDamcxezI

— Taylor Swift Updates (@TSwiftPR) May 8, 2018

A source told ET that Perry gave her apology to the "Gorgeous" singer a lot of thought before sending it, and has been wanting to bury the hatchet for a while now. 

“Katy planned a very personal, sweet apology and took time to write a kind note in hopes Taylor would see how much she cared about putting this behind them,” the source said. “Katy told friends if Taylor didn't accept this apology, she would keep trying because she is done holding on to the past and wants to be part of the change in today's society. She wants to set a good example for women, so she planned to never give up, if that is what it took."

“Katy hopes they finally can be supportive of each other's music and maybe one day soon even hang out together again," the source added. "Katy realizes they need to take it one day at a time, but that this is a great start.”

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[twelvesignsrp]

congratulations nicky, libra is now ava park with the faceclaim kim sojung !

APPLICATION Character Sign: (Aries/Leo etc.) Libra Character name: Ava Park Birthday: 19th October Sexuality: ??? Gender: Cis female Moon Sign: (How moon signs work) Leo Faceclaim: Kim So-Jung (Sowon) Power: (explanation and suggestions) Weather manipulation. When one has gained almost pinpoint-perfect control of their body, after all, it only makes sense that she moved on to the world around her. Ava has not yet developed a sub-power. On first manifestation, she became able to mess with the weather in her immediate vicinity of ten feet, but only based on the current weather conditions around her. For example, if it was raining she couldn’t change the weather, but she could bend the rain to avoid her just because she didn’t want to get wet, or a strong gale to miss her so she wouldn’t end up with ruined hair. At that time, she had begun to practice using this ability consciously. Following the power-up, her range remains the same, however now she can physically change the weather conditions within those ten feet, for example, make the sun shine around her when it’s cloudy. If she’s not concentrating and she’s really up in her feelings, though, the weather around her can be influenced by her thoughts or her mood.

What do they study? BA Liberal Arts Biography: Ava is the Park family’s second child, in as many ways as she can count. Her older brother, Harvey, a clever and precocious child, has been set on-course to take over the family’s enormously successful architectural firm from the day he was born. Ava, pretty and dainty but otherwise unremarkable, was not destined for quite such great things. Of course, it went without saying that Ava’s parents loved her, but she knew quite well that her brother was special. One afternoon, when she was five years old, her mother took her into a big hall lined with mirrors and filled with other children her age, and let go of her hand. At her first ballet lesson, Ava found her feet. It was clear enough early on that Ava had some talent, but it wasn’t until she was around nine years old that it became clear that she was looking at the very real possibility of a shining career as a dancer. She danced with both razor-sharp technique and stunning artistry, and spent every free moment she had practising. Perhaps it was a good thing that she discovered her talent so early in life, because she wasn’t, as it turned out, very good at school. Ava’s relationship with her brother grew more and more strained as they got older. It was clear that her parents, particularly her father, invested more time and energy in Harvey and his intellectual talents, viewing Ava’s ballet as more of a nice hobby that kept her busy. This became an even greater point of contention when, having scored well enough in her AS Levels to apply for university, she had already decided that she was going to audition for ballet companies – she had her sights set on the Royal London in particular. She was told that she could do whatever she liked – as long as she got a degree first to fall back on. Her parents chose Durham for her – and for Harvey before her. Determined to avoid any chance of bumping into him at his stupid business and economics classes – and slightly limited by her grades – she chose Liberal Arts. She spends her days going to class (most of the time), hanging out with the other members of the Durham University Ballet Society, partying, and practising.

Five interesting facts about your character: •    She’s secretly embarrassed about her toes. They’re utterly ruined and gross from pointe shoes, and you’ll rarely see her wearing sandals, open toe shoes or flip flops, even in summer. •    It would be unfair to say that Ava has an eating disorder, but her self-image declines, as does her willingness to eat sensibly, when she’s stressed. •    Ava absolutely LOVES sunglasses. She practically collects designer shades, and she probably has a pair to go with every outfit. It’s very rare that she’ll be seen on a day that is even remotely bright without a pair of sunnies either on her eyes or perched on top of her head. •    Even with all the expensive face creams and balms she could ever want at her fingertips, she still swears by Sudocrem for getting rid of spots. •    The most embarrassing dance costume she’s ever had to wear was a banana, when she was seven years old and performing a group dance choreographed by her ballet instructor about a fruit salad. She doesn’t even like banana.

Character Quote: All the colors of the rainbow Hidden 'neath my skin Hearts have colors don't we all know? Red runs through our veins Feel the fire burning up Inspire me with blood of blue and green I have hope Inside is not a heart But a kaleidoscope -    Sara Bareilles, Kaleidoscope Heart

If your character had a patronus what would it be? and why? As obvious a choice as it is, a swan. Beautiful, graceful, strong enough that she can break your arm without too much effort. Hangs out with ducks because she’s just so generous that way.

WRITING SAMPLE Oh. No, no thank you.

ANYTHING ELSE? Still pink

[backofthebookshelf]

WisCon Day 2

So I didn't write a post yesterday but I HAVE REASONS Let's see, all the way back...Friday evening I went to the Space Unicorn party but only briefly and very late, because I am bad at parties, and also there was a reading/performance with Guest of Honor Amal El-Mohatar and C.S.E. Cooney which I had to go to (it was an excellent decision). You can hear some of the music they performed at the website of their band, the Banjo Apocalypse Crinoline Troubadours. Then there was the vid party, featuring a tremendous Carrie Fisher vid that had the whole audience sobbing, and then I stopped in briefly to the Gods in Space panel, which was on the not-good end of the spectrum. Religion panels at WisCon are the most variable, but I've been to one or two really good ones so I keep trying. This one was only two people, both white men, one who seemed like he had interesting things to say and the other who had the thesis that "no one writes religion in space but they should," and every time he was given an example he found a way to dismiss it. And who needs to listen to that when there's a Nicki Minaj vid playlist going on? And then I went to bed. Saturday morning started at ten, like WisCon mornings usually do, with the panel Stay In Your Lane 2: Bigger, Badder, and More Intersectional, with Riley H, Jennifer Cross, Mark Oshiro, and medievalpoc. I didn't see the first version of this panel last year although I wished I had, and this was a quality discussion about how to shut up and get out of the way when people are talking about things that are not about you. (I have never been more grateful in life to be an introvert, because I avoid most of the pitfalls they discussed by never writing hot takes. All of my takes are, like the best revenge, served cold.) medievalpoc in particular made a comment I really liked about making an active decision to never publicly criticize Black people, not because Black people never need criticism but because there are folks lined up around the block to criticize Black people, and she decided there was no reason to add to the dogpile. Recommended media I need to actually watch/read: Franchesca Ramsay's video on dealing with your racist relatives at Thanksgiving; Marck Ronald Rimorin's essay on "Westjacking." After lunch (Nepali cauli tarkara with roti and dal and mango lassi), This Genre Kills Fascists, the only real Resistance panel I ended up at this year. There were lots of book recommendations, too many to add here, but I'll be doing the book lists when I get home Tuesday or Wednesday. There was a lot of talk about the different stories we do and can tell about what resistance is and who does it and how - there are lots of stories about an individual surviving a regime but not nearly as many about the actual work of many people involved to topple the regime. (Examples of the latter include, however, The Dispossessed and Everfair.) The panel was a glorious affirmation of the point that speculative fiction helps us think about worlds that do not exist, which helps us to think about options that do not exist, which helps us to create them. (Campaigning for Dems is fine and even necessary in the short term, but in the longer term, we're going to need a more imaginative solution.) Also, one of the panelists suggested giving The Parable of the Sower as a gift to everyone you know who voted for Trump. 2:30 panel slot, The Alien vs. the Monster, or, where is the line between science fiction and horror. I've been really into monsters lately, so this panel was exactly what I needed. A set of definitions the panel seemed to settle on, and one that I think works well without being too reductive, is that in science fiction the world might be a frightening place, but it is ordered and understandable, and seeking understanding is rewarding, even if it doesn't solve all your problems; in horror, seeking understanding is destructive. (Another panelist offered the frame that sf widens the horizons of the story while horror is about narrowing them as much as possible to see what still fits in.) And eventually the panel wandered around to the central questions of horror, and talked a lot about horror as a genre being concerned with asking moral questions, and one of the most moral questions is, what do we do with things that are scary? (I am reducing this panel down a lot, it was very wide-ranging and fascinating.) 4:00, I had every intention of going to a reading and instead I wound up in a panel called "Sort of," by and about people who do not fit neatly into the identity-boxes that our culture values so strongly, and how they negotiate those identities. There were a lot of painful stories that I really don't feel it's my place to repeat, but as someone doing some gender identity *handwavey* THING right now it was incredibly useful and interesting to hear people talk about this as a problem, even if no one had solutions. (The one quote I wrote down from this was from Kiini Iburi Salaam, who said that identity is a series of artificial categories that we kill people to maintain.) One panelist did tell a story about meeting a delightful young person who identified their gender as "genderless blob," which I really hope is a thing that catches on. Recommended works: Everfair, the Dominican writer Rita Indiana, and the webcomic Kimchi Cuddles. And then there was the Ace dinner, which was where I kind of fell apart. The Madison Ace Space usually does dinners every couple of weeks, and this year it fell on WisCon, and also Hattie goes there, so we went out to dinner with them to a Chinese place down State Street that does hot pot. Normally I am all about hot pot, but I was feeling a little anxious and decided not to deal with a dinner I'd have to spend so much energy negotiating, which turned out to be a decent idea because I was there for two hours and the meat they'd ordered for the hot pot had yet to arrive. I eventually hit the point where my anxiety wasn't going to let me sit there any more, so I bailed early (which I feel slightly bad for, but my anxiety level is still high enough that I know there was no way I was gonna do anything else) and got gelato on the way back to the hotel. I watched a bit of the Tiptree Auction (long enough to watch a bottle of lube signed by Zoe Quinn on behalf of Chuck Tingle go for more than $100), and then Hattie came back and we spent the rest of the evening in the bar, where I drank. A lot. There was a Long Island in there, a couple of what they called the Green Book (vodka, midori, pineapple, and...something else, I've got the recipe, it's excellent), a Non-Compliant (my first tequila cocktail, but also the last drink of the night, so I genuinely don't know if I can offer a verdict on how good it was, and there was at least one other cocktail at the beginning but I can't remember which one right now. We talked with Jess, who I had met last year when she was on the Ace 101 panel I moderated, and later to some lovely people named Chaos and Michael who were very nice about how drunk we were. And then we came back to the room and didn't wind down until around 3, when all that booze finally caught up with me and I fell over. ...and that's yesterday, but it's also now well past time for bed if I want to make that 8:30 panel tomorrow, so I guess I'll just have to keep running a day behind. comments from the wicked king of parody http://ift.tt/2s5ZPGS via IFTTT

[berrysbestbloggityblog]

13th February 2017- All for the Game series

Author: Nora Sakavic Genre: Thriller, sports, relationship Rating: This is the only series ever to challenge Harry Potter as my favourite. It is incredible Favourite Quote(s): (You should be lucky I narrowed it down to five) ‘Fight because you don’t know how to die quietly. Win because you don’t know how to lose.’ David Wymack, The King’s Men ‘Is your learning curve a horizontal line?’- Andrew Minyard, The King’s Men ‘I’ve been a problem for nineteen years. I’m too tired to be one tonight.’- Neil Josten, The King’s Men ‘Don’t look at me like that. I am not your answer, and you sure as fuck aren’t mine.’- Andrew Minyard, The King’s Men ‘I won’t be like them. I won’t let you let me be.’- Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, The King’s Men

I’m going to warn you now, this is going to be long, and spoiler-y, and probably make little structural sense.

 So I hate sports. Any kind of sport. I just about tolerate swimming, and never just doing lanes.

I would also probably sell a kidney to be able to play Exy.

This series, quite honestly, has changed my life (and not just about sport). It features; diversity, therapy, alcohol, abuse survivors of all kinds, not enough playing the actual sport, torture, the MobTM, extreme character development, my OTP and too many chess references.

I will start, quite appropriately, with Neil Abram Josten, the many named man. I will not lie and pretend that one of the main reasons I love this series is not because Neil is the first canon demisexual character I have ever read. As a demisexual, this representation was something I didn’t even know I had been craving until I got it. His character made me more secure in my identity; he meant that I wasn’t making it up, that I was real and valid and there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I wasn’t picky or just ‘hadn’t had enough alcohol yet’ (thanks mum); what I felt was different but it wasn’t bad. For all the demisexuals out there, Neil was a godsend.

(For clarification on Neil’s sexuality I recommend reading SpangleBangle’s one-shot ‘Swinging Along the Z Axis’ on Ao3.)

More than that, Neil’s character just broke my heart. He’s haunted and hunted and desperate not to let anyone else get caught in the crosshairs. He doesn’t always do the smart thing, but he does generally do the right thing, and never takes the easy way out. He’s scarred and easily triggered and in some ways damaged, at least when he first arrives at Palmetto, but never, ever broken. Not even Baltimore or Evermore could break Neil Josten and while he’s sometimes regarded in the fandom as the soft to Andrew’s sharp, you’ll never find the Foxes thinking that because Neil is sly and underhand and play’s dirty when someone he cares about is on the line. If Andrew had to be the one to cut the deal with Ichirou, he would never have gotten out of that car alive.

He asked Andrew TO HIS FACE why his ex thought Andrew was tying him up, and didn’t clock for a single second until Andrew literally told him he’d blow him. He asked Nicky if they were friends because he’d never had any before. He is about as quick to get a social cue as I am running. He is so respectful of Andrew’s boundaries even before he found out why, even before their deal. He left Andrew, a person whom nobody had ever admired, whom no-one had ever been grateful for despite Andrew giving up EVERYTHING for them, with “thank you, you were amazing” and figured that would be enough to cover the destruction his death would bring. He chose being tortured by Riko on the off-chance it might spare Andrew some pain, and he chose to be taken to quite literally his worst nightmare, giving up his life and his freedom and everything he’d managed to accomplish that year to keep his Foxes safe.

For the first canon demisexual, he’s certainly setting the bar high.

I’ll save Andrew for last, so let’s get on to the rest of the Foxes.

I’m quite sure I could write an essay on each of them (except maybe Seth. Sorry. I just. Hated that guy). For your sake I’m going to keep it short, but feel free to ask me for a full character eval I’ll be happy to do it.

Matt Boyd- Literal sunshine, saw actual homeless child Neil Josten and decided immediately he would die for him, half of the brOTP of the century, you just KNOW he’s so sweet and attentive and respectful of Dan because she’d never go out with him otherwise. He canonically has a white and orange themed wedding… I actually can’t. He didn’t blame the Monsters for forcing him to go full cold turkey even though he knew Andrew didn’t do it for him and he was ready to fight to keep Neil after Baltimore.

Dan Wilds- Absolute BAMF, can and will kick your ass, the only female captain in Class I Exy and she’s had an uphill battle on her shoulders for years before Neil or even Matt arrives at Palmetto. She has short hair and probably wear gym shorts 90% of the time but she’s still allowed to dress up without everyone being like ‘omg wow dan in a dress’ like it would be in any other book. She was a stripper and she owns it because it’s what she did to survive and it was selflessness not ignorance or anything else that’s stereotypically attributed to strippers, that drew her to it.

Renee Walker- Basically a flower, if it was a flower that could also slit you from neck to gut and plaster on a serene smile a second later, she’s an accepting Christian who isn’t gay herself (*cough* EXTREME RENISON SUBTEXT THO *cough*), she’s working her way through her trauma in a way that is healthy, she wants to put her past behind her but she’ll bring it out to protect/help her friends. She’s the only person that stays with Andrew without some kind of deal between them and she doesn’t do it out of pity.

Allison Reynolds- will slay anybody with her look, refuses to let her grief break her, came through being cut off by her family for not being picture perfect and an eating disorder with confidence and grace and sass. She’s brutally honest in a refreshing way and I think that post King’s Men, with all the secrets out of the way, her and Neil can become much closer.

Aaron Minyard- oh he’s an asshat but he still wheedles his way into your heart. He loves Katelyn more than he probably thought possible, and he’s so snarky I love it. He also killed Drake despite training to be a doctor which I think is something everyone always forgets. I think the thing that annoys me the most about him is not that he’s mean to everybody but that he doesn’t even try to understand Andrew; he just immediately blames him and hates him but not enough to let Andrew go.

Nicky Hemmick- ‘let’s get this straight: I’m not’, nobody really talks about how horrific his childhood being raised in such a homophobic household did to him. They sent him to CONVERSION CAMP and only falling in love with Erik managed to save him from that dark place. His parents refuse to love him on account of his sexuality and then they manipulate him in order to set up Andrew for rape. Obviously it’s Andrew who gets hurt the most here (well I mean Drake dies but like that’s a good thing) but Nicky, like Neil, has to live with that guilt for the rest of his life. He’s a constant ray of positivity despite everything, despite his cousins never thanking him for doing this long-distance mess from his home just to be there for them.

Kevin Day- oh Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Kevin comes perhaps the farthest of all the foxes over the course of the series and it makes me feel so proud. I screamed in delight and had to put the book down to do a little victory dance when he got his Queen tattoo. I worry sincerely about his liver. He’s a sad little history nerd who has made Exy his LifeTM and an actual asshat on the court. Probably about as good as Neil at knowing how to make friends and he shows he cares through Exy references only but I still love my toll bean.

Ok. Deep breaths. We’re onto Andrew.

Sometimes I think about his character and it just makes me tear up slightly? He’s an apathetic shitty midget who hates Neil and sits on tall buildings because he’s scared of heights for the AestheticTM. Basically everyone on this Exy team is some shade of LGBT+ and yet there’s no similarities between how they express their sexualities. Andrew is gay and a sexual abuse survivor and a foster kid and ex-juvie, but he’s not stereotyped into any of the boxes any other series would put him in.

I know too many people who have been sexually abused. Any other time that I’ve read a book where someone was sexually abused it was either liberally ignored/easily overcome or the person was driven to committing suicide. Neither is particularly helpful to survivors in my opinion, not that I am any kind of expert, and therefore Andrew’s story blew my mind. Andrew is never going to ‘go back to normal’. He is always going to have boundaries and yes or nos and triggers. He is never going to smile often or take Neil off on romantic dates or care about more than his minimum. And that, that is ok. There is no checklist for trauma survivors that they have to work through to be counted as better. Even more brilliant than Nora allowing Andrew to be changed permanently by his trauma, is the way he has an active and encouraged approach to his own recovery. His relationship with Bee is something I truly treasure. I am lucky enough to have not ever gone through something similar to Andrew, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be extremely happy that other people have that representation. Recovery is a slow process, with setbacks and bad days, which is also shown in this series, but it’s possible.

I like that Andrew didn’t always somehow magically know to go and get therapy. He survived Drake through self-harm and while he doesn’t encourage it, which is good, he also doesn’t completely demonise it like some people do. I will be the last person to condone harming yourself, but wanting to be able to make choices in an otherwise choice-less situation is completely understandable.

Proust trying to ruin his scars makes me want to vomit.

He was put on meds after he attacked some men for attacking his cousin and everyone thinks he’s dangerous? And manic? And out of control? Neil is perhaps the first person Andrew lets in enough to understand that everything Andrew does has a reason, and while it’s not always a good one it is also never a selfish one. Their relationship was a trust-build for two and a half books and it makes it so much more powerful. By the time they progress to anything physical, they’re already tied by something unbreakable, not that Andrew’s likely to admit it any time soon.

This is already like five pages long oops so I’m going to round off now.

This series made me laugh, and cry, and I quite literally screamed into my pillow when Andrew finally kissed Neil but I think most importantly it opened my eyes to lots of previously not-thought-about topics and I’m a better person for having read it.

z���_�

[bobbystompy]

My Top 132 Songs Of 2016

Previously: 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

Haven’t started writing this yet, but after peaking at 73 songs in 2013, then dipping to 67 and 71 the last two years, it is unbelievable we hit 132 (blame Spotify’s easy ability to save music and create playlists).

I debated skipping around, but nahhh, let’s get it.

As always, the criteria/info:

This is a list of songs I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs for an artist, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track; it’s not the ultimate factor, but it typically makes sharing the music easier

Speaking of... each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check out some for yourself

BOBBY VS. THE SONGS, FID

132) Kendrick Lamar - “untitled 07 | levitate”

Yeah, not gonna do the thing everyone else is doing where we pretend Kendrick is making amazing music with 2016′s throwaway release. I had to trudge through so much weird-and-not-fun stuff on “Butterfly” last year; it’s time to be done with it. Kendrick is obviously a top flight MC and could end up as an all-time great, but, like, come on -- this is from an EP of b-sides, it’s (probably) the best song... and it’s still not that memorable. How this record is ended up on so many year end best of lists mystified me.

131) Young Thug - “Drippin'”

Thugger spazzin’ around.

130) 2 Chainz f/ Lil Wayne - “Gotta Lotta”

Eh, this song’s aight; beat good, kinda sticks with you sometimes. Funny it should be listed as “2 Chainz & Lil Wayne” -- peep the very creative album art -- yet ended up as a 2 Chainz solo feature (on technicality alone) due to Weezy’s ongoing label issues. These two play off each other well.

129) Real Friends - “Mokena”

This song is good, but it’s... a little too angst-y at points.

128) Iggy Pop - “American Valhalla”

The best compliment I can give this song is it sounds unlike anything I’ve ever heard. Not a fun listen every time, but if you consciously immerse, it can definitely work.

127) The Avett Brothers - “Ain't No Man”

Good mom song; feels like fun. passed the torch with this one.

126) Paul Simon - “Horace And Pete”

Louis C.K. got Simon to write a theme song for his dramedy “Horace and Pete”, and the diminutive one came through in spades. I sometimes like to shoehorn in the f-word when singing along to help break up some of the seriousness. But yeah, this feels like a ‘60s classic even though it’s essentially brand new.

125) Frank Ocean - “Nikes”

The A.V. Club summed up my opinion of the Frank Ocean record with one swift line: “On first listen, Blonde feels like a Cracker Jack box with no toy in it.”

Amen.

Don’t get it twisted: I love Frank, still believe in Frank, and of course consider “channel ORANGE” to (objectively) be one of the greatest albums of this generation, but “Blonde”? It didn’t connect. Somewhat reluctantly, I picked this song for the list because it was the first one I heard, and it stands as a symbol of the initial hope which faded over a few listens. But when Ocean breaks in after all the high pitched singing, it does feel like a moment.

Also, this line will always stick: “RIP Pimp C / RIP Trayvon, that n**** look just like me”.

124) DJ Khaled f/ Jay-Z & Future - “I Got The Keys”

DJ Khaled is a talentless jackass, annoyingly ad libbing his way into our brains. Unfortunately, my personal favorite artist chooses to make listenable songs with him. Alas, No. 124. Jay slaying with “My wife Beyoncé, I brag different”. Future... being Future.

123) Slim Thug - “King”

The always underrated Slim Thug, hangin’ out and tellin’ you about his life. Also lifting weights. Minus points for using the Pimp C sample Jigga used in “FuckWithMeYouKnowIGotIt” only three years ago.

122) American Football - “Give Me The Gun”

This band will never hit for me as much as it does with cool/laid back guitar people, but I enjoyed this tune. And I wish my friend Luke were here to listen with me.

121) Craig Finn - “Screenwriters School”

Craig Finn, as slow and chill as you’ll ever hear him.

120) Mikey Erg - “1001 Smashed Motel Rooms”

Solid verses, big chorus, and you can almost, like, tell he’s bald by the voice (not an insult).

119) Cassadee Pope - “Summer”

The former Hey Monday singer goes in on the strongest season.

118) The Cool Kids - “Connect 4″

It’s very difficult to write about The Cool Kids without using the word “cool”, but man, these guys have such a great interplay. It’s not two separate dudes taking turns; it’s a glorious intertwine with true chemistry.

117) Third Eye Blind - “Cop vs. Phone Girl"

This is our first song I’d call an imperative listen. I say this because you need you to hear Stephan Jenkins sing “Why's it so hard to say ‘Black Lives Matter’? / Doesn't mean that you're anti-white / Take it from me, I'm super fucking white”.

He remains bulletproof.

116) Wakrat - “Sober Addiction”

I was positive this song was a jam after one listen, but I’ve listened 3-4 times since, and it’s gotten progressively worse each time. If that’s not enough of a hook, the singer is the Rage Against The Machine bassist.

115) Owl Meet Rabbit - “This Side Of The Nut House”

A Christmas song with a “National Lampoon” reference.

114) YG f/ Drake & Kamaiyah - “Why You Always Hatin?”

Still a little unclear why Drake keeps agreeing to be in YG songs. His verse references sliding into DMs.

113) Yo Gotti f/ Nicki Minaj - “Down In The DM (Remix)”

...and we also have a track titled after it. My biggest memory with this song will be feeling sick in an Uber from Chicago to Forest Park on, like, a weekday morning but still mustering the nerve to laugh at the chorus, which is egregious enough before the “bridge” of “Snapchat me that pussy, if it’s cool”. Seriously. RIP, music.

112) The Dirty Nil - “Zombie Eyed”

This rips.

111) Microwave - “Homebody”

A good song that pulls you in further when the distortion gets bigger in the chorus.

110) AJJ - “Terrifyer”

Some days, you're a member of Queen Other days, you're a Kottonmouth King Some days, you're Emilio Estevez Other days, you're Charlie Sheen

109) Band of Horses - “Casual Party”

These guys are all smooth harmonies.

108) Fitz and the Tantrums - “HandClap”

This song is pretty unoffensive, but it’s catchy enough to work.

107) Nothing - “The Dead Are Dumb”

“The Dead Are Dumb” -or- if the “Twin Peaks” theme actually went somewhere.

106) Car Seat Headrest - “Unforgiving Girl (She's Not An)”

This band kinda reminds me of The Strokes; just a liiiiiitle less New York street and a tad more indie.

105) Vince Staples f/ Kilo Kish - “Loco”

Vince got into the news this year after defending the mom who had an extreme distaste for his lyrics in 2015′s “Norf Norf”. Let’s just say she also would not enjoy this one. His interplay with Kilo is on point.

104) GTA f/ Vince Staples - “Little Bit of This”

‘ey, it’s Vince again, and this one is stronger; somehow topping the high energy of “Loco” with another level of fire-spitting.

103) The Living End - “Monkey”

The Aussies broke a 13 year album hiatus with 2016′s “Shift”, and “Monkey”, one of the lead singles, did not disappoint. There will always be a place for songwriting like this.

102) Vic Mensa - “16 Shots”

This song is so raw and street and real. Sometimes you hear something, and it just cuts like a knife. I’m talking a “Straight Outta Compton” level here. Mensa has thoughts on police brutality in Chicago, and he ain’t holding back. He played this live on Kimmel, and his solemn-yet-wired energy could not be ignored.

101) Boyd & The Stahfools - “Summerly”

Some might say BATS sold out with this very commercial ode to Pollyanna’s raspberry wheat ale, but when you consume as much of it as those boys do, I say it’s legit art.

100) Macklemore & RL f/ J. Woods - “White Privelege II”

This is kinda like the Third Eye Blind message on Black Lives Matter, only the exact opposite. It’s... quite heavy handed, and while I like that from Macklemore, I realize a lot do not. All I can say in his defense is, like, man, it really seems like this dude is trying, and he certainly attempted to involve the right people. If that’s not good enough for you, I get it.

(Plus, he kinda digs on Iggy; throwing y’all a bone, just take it.)

99) Conor Oberst - “A Little Uncanny”

Oberst sounds a ton like Bob Dylan in this one, but he also sounds a ton like Oberst. It’s kinda like two massive folk tidal waves crashing into each other.

98) Cymbals Eat Guitars - “Have A Heart”

CEG -- despite a terrific name -- have always made music that felt obtuse, but this is the first song that felt ready-made to, like, give normal people a window to check out the band.

97) Green Day- “Bang Bang”

Everyone wants to over-analyze Green Day. But if you don’t do that, you’ll enjoy this as a fast and easy pop-punk song. It plays at my gym sometimes, and I always kinda assume people are annoyed by it. To quote Josh from “Heavyweights”, this pleases me.

96) James Vincent McMorrow - “Get Low”

Chill/cool.

95) The Flatliners - “Hang My Head”

This won’t end up in their all-time Top 5, but it’s a good song, and it was nice to hear from this band in 2016.

94) AFI - “Snow Cats”

This would sound right at home as a mid-tempo number on “Sing The Sorrow”.

93) Jay Electronica - “#TBE The Curse Of Mayweather”

Oof, what a shitty title. So, this is Jay Elect’s “blast back” at Kendrick Lamar after K-Dot slaughtered the rap game (and shit, maybe rap itself) in 2013′s “Control”. But here’s the thing... “Control” was “Control”. No one is topping “Control”. No one is successfully going at “Control”. That’s in its own stratosphere. Was it fun to see the enigmatic MC try? Sure. Did it make any type of impact? Eh, no. But I did enjoy the fake Kendrick voice.

92) The Dyes - “Loudmouth”

Out of every song so far, I’ve found this the toughest to write about. My favorite part is probably the way the guitar and bass play off each other, but my second favorite part has to be how sinister and swaggery it sounds.

91) Big Sean - “Get My Shit Together”

Maaaan, I missed Big Sean in 2016 after an extremely fruitful 2015. The few times he did surface -- on other people’s songs -- he stayed in form, so you’ll see more of him as this goes.

It feel like young Ray Allen with the white twins

90) Emeli Sandé f/ Jay Electronica & Áine Zion - “Garden”

Serene, with a fitting Jay Elect verse.

89) Yumi Zouma - “Haji Awali”

Chiller than a Coleman.

88) Jimmy Eat World - “Get Right”

We’ve talked about this before, but JEW typically have sunny day feel good songs, or nighttime darkness-type songs; this one’s the latter.

87) Into It. Over It. - “No EQ”

Sooooo good; melodic and percussive and soulful. It tugs at your heart just the right amount.

86) The Front Bottoms - “Joanie”

This really, really sounds like a Front Bottoms song, which I mostly mean as a compliment but also... am slightly worried about as it pertains to future material.

85) The Lumineers - “Ophelia”

Would I like to steal this song and give it to a girl and say I wrote it to mega impress her? Uh, duh. Piano for dayz.

84) Viola Beach - “Swings & Waterslides”

Kinda a lighter version of the Arctic Monkeys; mostly the singing... but in a big way.

83) The Game - “92 Bars”

It’s sposta be a Meek Mill diss, but it’s basically Game freestyling about a buncha stuff over a workable beat. Some real solid lines, too. My favorites:

- “I can kill you in four bars, that's a Kit Kat”

- “Let me tell you who suck, like banana Now and Laters” (haha)

- “Give me Left Eye back, take Fetty Wap and the Raiders”

- “Gum by them Yeezys, I'm the 6'5" Eazy” (MVP bar?)

- “This the Golden State and my shooters ain't on no hoop shit” (coooold)

82) OMI - “Hula Hoop”

I’mma give the write up here to my girl Alyssa Pawola, via her husband, Jeff Pawola (who watched the video after she was told the song reminded me of him):

She agreed with you!

She says it's because the singer dances similar to me and is a little goofy (compliment?), whereas all the girls around him are really good dancers (thus, her).

81) Joey Purp f/ Chance The Rapper - “Girls @”

If you’re not all-in on this song by the seven or eight second mark, then you can probably pass. HOWEVA, Chance and his 3 hat appear later on, so we call that incentive, young Bucky.

80) Vinnie Caruana - “I Don’t Believe You”

The feels like a last-song-on-the-record kinda track.

/looks up if it was the last song on the record

...8 of 10!

(Close enough.)

79) No Lenox - “Leave”

This song is heart and blood, with a rare use of “fucking” from Chris Trott.

78) JANK - “Versace Summer”

JANK is interesting. All of their artwork and motif make them seem like stoners (and maybe they are), but the music itself is so technical and synced. Like, you know they’re trying and very capable. So as weird as seeing “Versace” next to “JANK” might look, maybe it’s this high end brand that truly does fit their sound over, say, Faygo. But yeah, by the time this song is done, even though they’ve played the chorus a handful of times, you probably wouldn’t mind a handful more.

77) White Lung - “Dead Weight”

This band is just the coolest shit. They always go so, so hard, but this time, there’s a guitar playing mega bad ass leads to help even things out. I would believe you if you told me the guitar was also shooting lasers.

76) Descendents - “Without Love”

Like The Living End, the Descendents have also been out of the ‘releasing new records’ game for over a decade. And as jokey of a band as they’ve been in the past, this song has some of the same earnestness and vulnerability we heard on 2004′s “Cool To Be You”.

75) Andrew Bird - “Roma Fade”

For sure a candidate for coolest song title of 2016.

74) LVL UP - “Hidden Driver”

This is too indie for its own good.

73) A$AP Ferg f/ Big Sean - “World Is Mine”

Mostly included for Sean. Sorry, Ferg -- but you did give him the hook and a verse.

72) AM Taxi - “Enough To Feel Like Enough”

Like The Front Bottoms song from earlier, this AM Taxi song is very AM Taxi. But I ain’t ever worried about AM Taxi.

71) Rozwell Kid - “Baby’s First Sideburns”

Not sure I’ve ever heard a weak song by this band.

70) PARTYNEXTDOOR f/ Drake - “Come And See Me”

If you wanted to upset your love interest in 2016, hitting him or her with the “I hear you talkin' 'bout ‘we’ a lot, oh, you speak French now?” line was probably a good place to start.

69) Tancred - “Bed Case”

Kinda ‘90s, right? Nice.

68) Thrice - “Blood On The Sand”

Moderate take alert: I purport the Thrice singer sounds like Dave Grohl in this song, particularly during the chorus. Come at me with your agrees or disagrees.

67) MakeWar - “Ode”

The dude on this band’s album cover always reminds me of Rafa Nadal, which is weird, as I’d argue he looks -20% like Rafa Nadal. This song has a downcast energy. I think I wanna see these dudes live.

66) PKEW PKEW PKEW - “Asshole Pandemic”

Party punk, wooooo. You will not find a more circular 2016 lyric than “Why’s this fuckin’ dick gotta be such a cock?”

65) Adam Friedman f/ Mike Posner - “Lemonade”

blue eyes >>> brown eyes, Adam.

64) Matt and Kim - “Let’s Run Away”

As always-always-always, Matt and Kim are having more fun than we are.

63) Ariana Grande f/ Nicki Minaj - “Side To Side”

As recently as 40 days ago, I was emaling my friends about this track with the very loaded “I’m not sure this song is good at all”.

My buddy Brian’s response will probably jar you like it jarred me:

Gotta say, I have a soft spot for this song. I think the beat is pretty banging and the subject matter is a plus. Like, we do have to acknowledge that she's walking side to side because she's been having sex with dude all night and day and now her vagina is too sore to walk like a regular person. I can dig that.

Well then.

62) With You. f/ Vince Staples - “Ghost”

Weird music video, but definitely my favorite version of Vince that we got in 2016.

61) Fifth Harmony f/ Ty Dolla $ign - “Work From Home”

I was listening to this song with my girlfriend the other day, and I said something like “This song could really use a rap cameo”. Enter: the very forgettable Ty Dolla $ign. Still, a fun, sexty song. Also, I believe this is our first -- and only? -- song to have over one billion YouTube views (!!!).

60) Masked Intruder - “If Only”

This made it over other MI candidates due to the Winnie Cooper reference.

59) Fat Joe, Remy Ma, Jay-Z f/ French Montana & Infared - “All The Way Up (Remix)”

An easy chorus for sports teams to co-opt, as well as a “fuck off me” Jay verse. He bucks “Lemonade”, ups his products for the infinite time, and drops the mic after:

The OG's say, "Hov, how high is high enough?" I said "'till we eye and eye with the higher ups" Until we let 'em know, we ain't those n****s Until our baby's showered in gold, n**** Blue looking like Pac in the tub David LaChapelle levels of not giving a fuck Prince left his masters where they safe and sound We never gonna let the elevator take him down

Man.

Worry not, cockroach French is around to muck things up. It’s salvaged by a real dope Remy Ma verse, though.

58) Al Scorch - “Everybody Out”

The perfect soundtrack for escaping a busted speakeasy.

57) Tegan and Sara - “Dying To Know”

This song makes the list because the “Boyfriend” chorus was lazy as hell; it was like the “Closer” chorus, version 2.0. Conversely, “Dying To Know” has real emotion and a big, legit chorus.

56) Bloc Party - “The Good News”

A song I fear no one will like but me... but hey, my list.

55) New Lenox - “It’s Its Own Thing”

This is a song I wrote (and drummed on) about how winter sucks. It’s also about Chicago, being alone, finding someone, and using Banner Pilot to get through tough, frozen times. Shout out to Dave Rokos for singing the majority of the leads and Chris Trott for producing.

54) Julien Baker - “Photobooth”

I became enamored with the voice and talent of 21-year-old phenom Julien Baker throughout 2016, and though she released her debut album in 2015 (ALL TRACKS DISQUALIFIED, CHICA), she did drop this Death Cab cover for The A.V. Club this year, so I found a way to get her in the door. Now that we’re all here, I’ll give the floor to Deadspin’s Tom Ley:

What I did not expect was to like this version of the song so much that I now become visibly disgusted when I try to go back and listen to the original. Like all the good, thoughtful teens of my era, I spent a lot of time listening to Death Cab in my car, and I used to nod along pleasantly when “Photobooth” came on. But now I’m just angry I ever wasted any time listening to a lesser version of the song. In my opinion, Death Cab should just turn their entire catalog over to Julien Baker and be done with it.

Ironically, I will be seeing Baker open up for Death Cab singer Ben Gibbard later this January.

53) Desiigner - “Panda”

This is a bad song... but it’s incredibly listenable (for about 30 seconds, only it keeps going for a normal amount of time). It got upped on Kanye’s album, which likely sparked public interest in this mumble rap disaster. Literally the best thing you can say is it’s a Future rip off -- and he’s not all that great to begin with.

/sadly looks up YouTube view total

190 million; Fifth Harmony is like “pshhhh”.

Yet, “Panda” somehow endures. It feels fresh, saying “panda” repatedly never seems to tire, and it burned down the dance floor at Brian Pawola’s wedding this summer; old and young alike wanted to be pandas.

Now is also probably a good time to disclose my Halloween costume...

52) Cloud Nothings - “Modern Act”

Me, blogging about my excitement for the new Cloud Nothings album that drops in three weeks.

51) A Tribe Called Quest f/ André 3000 - “Kids” (no link)

Welcome back.

50) Run The Jewels - “Talk To Me”

Haven’t listened to RTJ3, but it’s only been out for, like, 10 days. Still, this song is as reliably dope as they’ve always been. I also felt compelled to include ATCQ and RTJ in these spots to ensure they were not above “Panda”.

Brave men didn't die face down in the Vietnam muck so I could not style on you

49) Kevin Devine - “No History”

My aforementioned buddy Dave Rokos likes this song because of its big chorus, and I’d also like to use it as a selling point.

48) Kings Of Leon - “Reverend”

For as big as Kings Of Leon are, I haven’t really heard this song anywhere.

47) Rae Sremmurd f/ Gucci Mane - “Black Beatles”

I always thought Rae Sremmurd were kinda meh (at best) and Gucci Mane was an idiot’s idiot (at absolute best), but this song’s a banger -- and this conclusion was reached prior to it going viral with the Mannequin Challenges. Speaking of... my 2016 Black Wednesday:

A video posted by Bobby L (@bobbystompy) on Nov 23, 2016 at 7:15pm PST

46) Grimes - “Kill V. Maim”

This song is straight out of a video game or action movie. Like, get ready to fight a boss or something.

45) Dave Hause - “With You”

Heartfelt ballad that feels sprawled out across a few genres.

44) Robin Thicke f/ Nas - “Deep”

What do we get when we combine a dude with no credibility and feature a dude with tons of credibility? A sneaky sizzling collab. And if you still got beef, remember: it ain’t that deep.

43) Against Me! - “Rebecca”

A lot of people have had this AM! song on their year end lists, and I wasn’t seeing it, but after a few extra spins, it became pretty clear this was thee highlight from the album. It’s got this kinetic energy, spinning out of control while somehow maintaining perfect balance.

42) Restorations - “See”

Restorations make spectrum songs; ones you listen to while the world moves in slow motion at an airport reunion, while time stops after a death, or stretches out on an overly contemplative Sunday evening. What I’m saying is, these dudes control the clocks.

41) Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties - “Green Like The G Train, Green Like Sea Foam”

Soupy from The Wonder Years’ solo project keeps -- PUN INTENDED -- chuggin’ along with this one. He’s singing in the same gear he always sings in, but the chorus and always trusty synced rhythms that break it in two definitely get me goin’. 

40) Titus Andronicus - “No Future”

Titus Andronicus covering Craig Finn, and they add just the right amount of anguish to the proceedings. There’s such an obvious-yet-still-clever element to the “February’s about as long as it is wide” line.

39) Rihanna - “Needed Me” (NSFW-ish video)

This song is good -- Mustard on the beat, natch -- but RiRi murdering a dude in the back of a strip club in the video might be better.

38) Jeff Rosenstock - “Festival Song”

The former Bomb the Music Industry! singer dipped his toe in a few genres throughout his 2016 album “Worry”, though I’m not sure how to describe this one; it’s kind of spastic punk with some synthy keyboards and a catchy outro, strong enough to throw two capable haymakers as the song enters its final minute. 

37) The Steve Adamyk Band f/ Colleen Green - “Carry On”

I hadn’t even heard of this band a month ago, but “Carry On” has quickly become a favorite; toe-tappin' rock.

36) The Naked And Famous - “Higher”

This band seems like they’d have -- there is no better word I’m so sorry -- epic concerts. Also, don’t miss out on the “In The Air Tonight”-sounding fills.

35) Phantogram - “You Don’t Get Me High Anymore”

Brilliant drum samples, drug stuff, and a pop sensibility; you seriously could not ask for more.

34) Child Bite - “Vermin Mentality”

This song is quite harsh, and I imagine if you had individual approval ratings for all 132 of these songs, it would very easily finish in the bottom five. That said, I think it rocks, and it reminds me of the Dead Kennedys’ best scenario.

33) Joyce Manor - “Last You’ve Heard Of Me”

Sure, I reacted like a mom when I saw Barry’s new neck tattoo in the video, but the song was the redeemer. Recommended if you like the Everclear “Santa Monica” intro, marijuana makes you tired, or you’ve found love in the parking lot outside a karaoke bar.

32) Cassino - “Alabama Song”

If you did happen to listen to “Vermin Mentality”, this’ll probably be the song to get that taste out of your mouth. I love its overall laid back vibe, even if what it’s about remains unclear after a good chunk of listens.

31) Direct Hit! - “Was It The Acid?”

This one lost several punk points after the singer revealed he did not use hard drugs. But still.

30) Bayside - “Pretty Vacant”

My buddy Brian Pawola doesn’t like this song because of the teenage-y “I can’t believe this is my life, I’m pretty vacant all the time” chorus, but that’s precisely why I do. Also, apparently the album it’s off of is called “Vacancy”, haha.

29) PUP - “Familiar Patterns”

Feels weird not picking a single, but this one was always my favorite; the same percussive power, shreddy singing, and unrelenting noise we got in their debut a few years ago. Also funny: they named their 2016 album “The Dream Is Over”, which is what the PUP singer’s doctor told him after diagnosing his vocal chord ailment.

28) Tokyo Police Club - “Not My Girl”

Sometimes, I wanna tell non-punk fans TPC is what all punk rock sounds like, because even though the band has more of a pop-indie element, they do seem like the genre’s best case scenario more often than not.

27) The Falcon - “If Dave Did It”

Feels like sacrilege picking a Dave Hause fronted track for my Falcon choice. After all, this is Brendan Kelly’s group, and after an EP and two full lengths, it’s Dave’s first ever time fronting a song in the band. But this song kept standing out. It also has a small drum solo, and even though basically all drum solos are bad, Neil Hennessy’s on the kit -- so you know you’re in good hands.

26) Chance The Rapper f/ 2 Chainz & Lil Wayne - “No Problem”

Chance’s “Coloring Book” was so positive and creative and multi-faceted that it feels a little wrong to pick a song that’s more traditional rap with typical guests, but it really is the best song, you know? For whatever reason, Lil Wayne’s nonchalant verse was my favorite, with his initial bars being the highlight:

I got problems bigger than these boys My deposits, they be on steroids Lord, free the Carter, n****s need the Carter Sacrificin' everything, I feel like Jesus Carter

But sure, we can also highlight funny 2 Chainz things:

- “Inside of the Maybach look like it came out of Ikea / Run shit like diarrhea” (oh my god)

- “Aye, aye, captain / I'm high, captain / I'm so high / Me and God dappin'” (haha)

Also, if you don’t raise-and-drop your arms for the “huh! huh!” part before the beat kicks in at the beginning after “lobby”, you’re a monster.

25) David Rokos - “Pacific Time”

Falling in lust with a California girl who has the keys to bomb ass hotel room overlooking the ocean? What self-deprecating heterosexual dude isn’t signing up for this?

24) NOFX - “Six Years On Dope”

Thrash punk, with Fat Mike and Eric Melvin divvying up the vocals after arguing to start the song. Here’s the July 2016 description I emailed to the gf:

So, the lead singer has kind of a flat, annoying voice, but then there's this guitarist who mostly does yell parts and not a lot of leads, but in this song, they both basically trade off yelling, and the guitar is blaring, and it just does not relent. They've released a million records at this point, but something about it feels so fresh. Like new blood has been infused into all of them.

You will like... 0% of this.

Her response: “Hahaha. I wouldn't say that I hate this...but it's pretty close.”

23) Beach Slang - “Future Mixtape For The Art Kids”

Of all the artists on this way-too-long list, I had the hardest time picking a Beach Slang song. This is probably because all of their songs sound the same. But as a writer earlier this year said, it’s still a good song. So true. I went with Track 1 from their album “A Loud Bash of Teenage Feelings” (this is the actual title) because it has the biggest chorus:

We're not lost, we are dying in style We're not fucked, we are fucking alive I hope I never die

Every Beach Slang song also has to include “die” or “alive” in the lyrics; this one gets both. Minor gripe: that vocal distortion you hear is an effect used on every other song on the 29 minute record.

22) Kid Cudi f/ André 3000 - “By Design” (no link)

When you think too much, you’re removing what’s moving

This song could literally be in a made up language, but the diction, beat, and Caribbean stylings from Cudi and 3 Stacks would still make you wile out. The full version appears to be nowhere on the free Internet, but I highly recommend finding it.

If you’re too lazy, peep Cudi’s “Goodbye” instead. It’s a pump up track that samples 2Pac and Pink Floyd -- what could go wrong?!

21) Anderson .Paak - “Come Down”

My buddy Ceebs used this as the entrance song at his wedding; he and his wife looked so cool.

20) The Weeknd - “False Alarm”

Listen, I wanted to include “Starboy”. But after shunning “The Hills” for “Can’t Feel My Face” in 2015, I wanted to pick the weird song over the poppier one this time, OK? This music video is so violent. I also really do wonder if this song has borderline punk elements.

19) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Higher”

Just a Carly Rae “Emotion” b-side cracking the Top 20, no big deal. Seeing CRJ in Milwaukee in March was my favorite concert of 2016; so much so that I saw her in Chicago the next day and even exchanged a shirt (...cutoffs) with the merch guy I’d met already.

18) Brian Fallon - “Red Lights”

We have The Gaslight Anthem singer’s solo project here. This could definitely be a TGA song. “I only stop to tell her that I love her at the red lights” = unstoppable swoon.

17) Jay-Z - “Spiritual”

I need a drink, shrink or something I need an angelic voice to sing something

A song that should’ve had a much bigger spotlight in an incredibly tumultuous year. I remember listening to this during the Dallas shootings, my heart absolutely breaking for the country. Here is the statement Hov released with the track:

16) Justin Timberlake - “CAN’T STOP THE FEELING!”

Our Song of the Summer, 2K16.

The one critique you could give is maybe it’s a little too easy, a little too low hanging fruit, but my counter would be: who said pop music has to be terribly difficult? And if you’re still folding arms during the “Can’t stop the fee-laaaaahn” falsetto part, having fun probably isn’t your bag.

15) Get Well Cards - “Is It Worth It?”

I think you’re trying to kill me, when you said you’d lick my wounds

I play drums on this jam, but it’s Dave Rokos’ songwriting that gives me all the feels. It always reminded me of a slightly more restrained “Good Things”. This song is about sleeplessness, deep contemplation, and a deteriorating relationship; you don’t know if you should do everything you can to hold on... or mercifully let it all go (”And they say time is all we have to give / And I think I’ve given you enough”... oof).

14) Resolutions - “Daily Train”

Blindly assumed this band was from Canada, but, upon further research, it looks like Germany. Hmm. The singer sounds like the Rise Against dude to me.

13) Mike Posner f/ Big Sean - “Buried In Detroit (Lucas Lowe Remix)”

Hunger > Strategy

The Mike Posner comeback was one of the more delightful storylines of 2016. Though I liked “Ibiza” quite a bit, I had a softer spot for the one with his fellow Michigander. This is my favorite Big Sean performance of the year, and Posner’s verses and choruses are straight anthemic.

12) blink-182 - “Rabbit Hole”

Though we can all agree “Built This Pool” is the best song of all-time (Travis’ “Is that really it?” = completely perfect), “Rabbit Hole” was a bit more well-rounded -- and it’s Matt Skiba getting in the mix in a blink-182 song (verse two); I can’t believe we’re here.

11) Kanye West f/ Kendrick Lamar - “No More Parties In L.A.”

In honor of its number on our dear list, my Top 11 favorite bars from this banging banger of a song...

11. Kanye: “And as far as ‘Real Friends’, tell all my cousins I love 'em / Even the one that stole the laptop, you dirty motherfucker” (he’s not over it)

10. Kanye: "My psychiatrist got kids that I inspired / First song they played for me was 'bout their friend that just died” (creepy, ominous)

9. Kanye: “Hey baby, you forgot your Ray Bans / And my sheets still orange from your spray tan” (very South Naperville)

8. Kendrick: “She said she came out here to find an A-list rapper / I said baby, spin that 'round and say the alphabet backwards” (the young MC will not be slighted)

7. Kanye: "Thinking back to how I got here in the first place / Second class bitches wouldn't let me on first base" (those days are probably over, Yeezy)

6. Kanye: “Got pussy from beats I did for n****s more famous / When did I become A list? I wasn't even on a list” (those days are also probably over, Yeezy)

5. Kendrick: “Well cutie, I like your bougie booty / Come Erykah Badu me" (that’s just good game)

4. Kanye: “Every agent I know, know I hate agents / I'm too black, I'm too vocal, I'm too flagrant” (empowering)

3. Kanye: “I was uninspired since Lauryn Hill retired / And 3 Stacks, man, you preach it to the choir” (golden)

2. Kanye: "Mulholland Drive, need to put up some god damn barricades / I be paranoid every time, the pressure / The problem ain't I be drivin' / The problem is I be textin'" (we’ve all been there)

1. Kanye: “I be worried 'bout my daughter, I be worried 'bout Kim / But Saint is baby 'Ye, I ain't worried 'bout him” (and we’ll end with my favorite rap lyric of 2016)

10) Daya - “Hide Away”

It took a few listens to realize how sublime this one is. The lyrics are solid, the beat is great, and they display some real patience with how the hi-hat notes are deployed, and it really helps control the flow of urgency (Posner uses this tactic in the “Buried In Detroit [Remix]” as well).

Also, don’t sleep on its grocery store banger potential with the happier sounding and cutesy “Tell me where the good boys go” bridge.

9) Beyoncé f/ Kendrick Lamar - “Freedom” (note: link is to the live performance)

This is big.

I remember when “Lemonade” dropped, I was txting with my friend Buffalo Grove Tina (she’d heard the album and I hadn’t yet), giving her selective feedback as I was progressing through the tracks. She then sent a message that stuck with me every listen since:

Hooooooly buckets, she nailed it. The Just Blaze beat should be sent to the CDC, Yoncé is breathing fire, and once you start to finally wrap your head around all of that, you get a K-Dot verse as icing on a cake that already had great cake and great icing. It’s run-through-walls time.

8) Drake - “One Dance” (note: link is to the live version)

Drake has been so consistent with his output this decade, turning every year into a "Should I pick the hip-hop song or the pop song?" debate when it comes to list-making. This time, the pop song wins (or dancehall, really).

"One Dance" is a good joint to drink, dance, or sway to. There's a reason it became his most streamed song of all-time.

7) The Hotelier - “Piano Player”

What a beautiful piece of music. The warmness I feel during the “I don’t know if I know love no more” is unmatched. Their album (”Goodness”) is one of the year’s best.

6) Culture Abuse - “Dream On”

This song is automatic pulverization. Like, about 80% of the way through, it tries to end but somehow can't. The chorus isn't ready to be done. Some have compared the singer's style to a robot, but I think it just sounds *cool*.

5) Japandroids - “Near To The Wild Heart Of Life”

She kissed me like a chorus

Skeptics might hate on this song for sounding like a retread of their sound from 2012's legendary album "Celebration Rock", and even non-skeptics may roll their eyes at the "I used to be good, but now I'm bad" line. But I shun these trigger happy notions. Enough time has passed since “CR”, and I was ready for this band to come back; beyond ready. This song gave me everything I was missing during the Japan-void.

/walks out of the room with an unflinchingly straight face

4) Pusha T f/ Jay-Z - “Drug Dealers Anonymous”

My pick for the best hip-hop track of the year. No choruses, no trade offs; it’s one long Pusha verse, then one long Jay verse -- the best rap verse of 2016, by my count. Pusha’s is galvanizing too, though. He paints pictures, conjures the Flint water crisis*, and sets up a bowling pin for the GOAT to roll one at...

/deep breath

Just, like, fuck, man.

JAY-Z IS SO GOOD AT RAPPING WORDS

Shawn Corey Carter doesn’t walk, he weaves. He doesn’t blast, he shoots silenced. I’d love to use the word “ether” to describe the verse but won’t out of respect. What doesn’t it have? I don’t know. Here’s what it does have: Tomi Lahren she gone, drug dealer stuff, rich guy stuff, historical and pop culture references (I’ll defend the “Damn, Daniel” line to the death), and this piece of divinity: “Y’all think Uber’s the future, our cars been autonomous”.

Sometimes all I can do is put my head down, bite my lip, and bob when this song comes on; lucky to be alive, like always.

(* - Pusha apparently donated water to the city but wanted it nameless, rationalizing it in the song with: “And I can’t even mention what I sent or what I spent / Cause my name in 18 wheelers is evidence”)

3) Modern Baseball - “Apple Cider, I Don’t Mind”

MoBo’s “Holy Ghost” was a little uneven as an album, but I’m just happy to have singer Brendan Lukens here with us after his bout with depression, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts. By the time he got back to the studio after rehab, he was ready to give us at least a little insight into his psyche -- and it’s desperate, scary, and beautiful. My favorite overall musical moment of 2016 is the pleading “I can’t” he hits at the 1:15 mark of this one.

Clocking in at a tick under two minutes, this song almost feels incomplete in a way that 2014′s “Rock Bottom” (2:14 itself) didn’t. It’s like Lukens wants to sprint so hard he passes out, worrying not as much about finishing the race but instead focusing on giving the audience all of himself while in the booth.

2) Pinegrove - “New Friends”

Hit me, Spin:

Pinegrove are almost radically likable, soft-spoken in a year of grandiose statements, filling a void that only existed in retrospect.

Damn straight. I hadn’t even heard of these guys at the start of the year.

This goes from indie folk to a Weezer-y outro with only a short build up, but the songwriting and lyrics are in a style all their own, really. That’s it.

1) The Menzingers - “Lookers”

When this dropped, my buddy Chris Trott emailed me what he always emails me when a new song piques our interest: “Holy good god damn this is good. This is like 'I believe in music again' good.”

Shortly after, I remember leaving work for lunch and bumping the song for the first time in a parking lot. I wrote him back: “Was staring at this brick wall while listening and the first thought that popped into my head was something like 'It feels like they are taking my soul out of my body and splattering it on that wall' (in the best way, of course).”

Nostalgic verses, massive Jersey chorus, an “On The Road” reference, and the desire to want more of these songs even after you were just given everything in a single installment.

This god damn band.

[drbobbimorse]

All the odds!

Oh my! That’s a lot, I’ll do my best!

1. Is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason? I write based on whatever fandom has me the most pumped. At the moment, that’s Teen Wolf so Rise is getting a lot of attention but that could change any day. So, technically, I hold off writing all my fics at one time or another. The ones that are the most trouble are the rewrites of some older fics.

3. What order do you write in? Front of book to back? Chronological? Favorite scenes first? Something else? I try to write chronologically but, a lot of times, I’ll randomly get inspired so I have pages and pages of stuff – random quotes to full on scenes – for all my fics. Anything can set me off, really. I’ll “act” out whatever scene plays in my head, so it feels more natural, and then write it down. Those moments usually end up being something far down the line but there are some things that happen early so I go back to my fics, work in the new stuff, and replace the chapters with the new product (see Safe and Sound, so much editing!).

5. Character you were most surprised to end up writing. Probably Ysmay. I always swore I’d never write a ASOIAF/GOT fic but here we are! Valerie is probably second; Raptor Squad hounded me into it lol

7. When asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write? I don’t tell people lmao My best friend knows I write fanfiction but only because she embarrassingly confessed that she reads it sometimes in her spare time. She tried to be all nonchalant about it like, ‘yeah, I read this thing about blahblahblah. It was pretty cool’. I figured her out real quick so I told her I read and write fanfiction, then she got excited to talk about it. I’ve never told her my penname or about my fics in specifics though. Too embarrassed :/

9. What, if anything, do you do for inspiration? Music. I put on my headphones and just let the shuffle or radio do its thing. And “acting” scenes out, like I mentioned before. Music inspires on an emotional level but acting stuff out helps me imagine things better. They feel more real.

11. What aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing? Just my writing in general. I’m not sure I’m as descriptive as I should/could be but I used to not be descriptive at all. Like, not even my OCs features, not even a mention of eye color or hair color in passing.

13. Your strengths as an author? I do an insane amount of research before I do any in depth writing. From geography, ethnicities, languages, to even prices, trivia and trends of a particular time period. I like to spread my OCs around (cause I’m in so many different fandoms and, therefore, insane!) so while I’ve got a lot of modern gals (Eve, Valerie, Jun, Tessa, Nell, Joanne), I’ve also got some in different time periods either intentionally or as flashbacks or cause I try to keep the fic in the same time period the show/film happened (Isabel, Tessa, Nell), and some in different worlds entirely (Erulisse, Ghanima, Ysmay, Annie, Nicki – yes, I’m counting post-apocalyptic zombieland as a different world).

15. Why did you start writing? Probably for the same reason lots of people do: I saw something that didn’t resonate with me personally, or didn’t have anything that represented me so I wanted to “fix” that.

17. If you could give your fledgling author self any advice, what would it be? DON’T DO IT!!! DON’T START, JUST RUN AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK!!! lol Not really. I’ve met a lot of cool people and made friends cause of my fanfiction addiction. Ummm, maybe to not let yourself get so overwhelmed. I don’t really follow that advice even now, but I don’t fall to pieces and get frustrated like I used to cause I felt so much pressure from my readers. 

19. When it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.? I’m not sure I keep track of it in any nice way, but I generally either have all my facts and notes, quotes/scenes to use saved on a separate document. Or they’re on the same doc as the fic, just separated by a title of some sort or a big line break. Probably not the best system of organization but it works for me lol

21. What do you think when you read over your older work? I cringe. I cringe so hard, especially when I get reviews and author/favorite/story alerts for said fics saying how good they are and wanting updates, etc. Like, they’re so bad, guys. They’re so bad! They’re only still up because I’m working on the rewrites and plan to take them down once the rewrites are done, or at least halfway finished.

23. Any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing? Hmmm, not that I think of. I do try to put pieces of myself into my characters here and there. Like, Tessa is a crematory operator and I’m studying to be a mortician. Eve is from Maryland, just like me. Annie’s parents death are related to two deaths that happened, one in a friends family and the other from a documentary I watched. Joanne has two distinct phobias that I have. And so on and so forth. 

25. Copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of. This is a potential s4 for Safe and Sound, post-prison, where Annie ends up with Morgan.

A: “We seem to be okay so far. Call me stupidlyoptimistic, but maybe there just aren’t any walkers in this area. That’d be outfirst bit of luck in awhile.”M: “They’re there.”A: “What do you mean? I don’t hear any.”M: “You ain’t listening hard enough then. They’re there. Atleast a dozen on them and more every minute.”A: “You sure?”M: “That’s just how it works out in the open. We’re passing them,walking right by them without noticing. But they’re noticing. And following.They can’t walk as fast as us so, the longer we walk, the further away they’llbe…but they’re still after us. When we get to wherever it is we’re going, whenwe stop, it’s just a matter of time before they catch up to us. And the longerour trip, the more there’ll be.”A: “Nice pep talk, Morgan. Really. I feel better already.”

author questions, pick a number 1-25