#pussy zoomies

[dmsr-art]

[dansnotavampire]

I will not leave Astarion for Minthara I will not leave Astarion for Minthara I will not leave Astarion for Minthara I will not leave Astarion for Minthara I will not leave Astarion for Minthara I will not leave Astarion for Minthara I will not leave Astarion for Minthara I will not

[gremlingottoosilly]

What if Monster Price had a super energetic girl instead of a calmer sleepy one, like she’s constantly moving, touching random things, and talking talking talking

💪✨✨✨

He is going to grab you by your neck like a disobedient kitten and shake you a little bit. Every time you stumble, fly and run from his arms just because you got this energy boost and you needed to do something with your legs, Price is putting a note to his head - that next time, he will hold you in the air for longer. Your zoomies are making him nervous because, god damn it, he isn't a bloody teenager; he can't just keep up with you on every turn, even though you're just a human and so, so much weaker than him. The thing is, Price...grown soft. With you, only, starting to see you not just as a prey, but as his mate too - you smell like him, he is filling you up whenever he has time, you're shared with his pack like a proper bride should be - but all of this familiarity flies out the window the moment you start to twitch and jump like a rabbit, running from one side to another. This activates his instinct to chase, to conquer - he wants to be soft with you, you're such an adorable thing and yet, he can't quite stop himself from running after you, chasing you down and putting you under his much larger body, feeling you pressing against him like he is actually going to main you. Well, he is quite heavy, after all. He knows how to deal with those little energy bursts - he knows how to fuck this out of your system. Your legs are no use when he is done with you, his cum filling you up like you're pregnant already. Your body is covered in bruises, and you're pretty sure he fucking punctured your cervix - and every attempt at moving your legs or even just breathing puts too much pressure on your tummy, and it makes everything agonizing. He is fucking your ass, your pussy, he is squeezing your legs and keeps them bruised - this keeps you in bed whole day, lazy and sleepy, just like he wants you to. And when he doesn't have time to fuck you into his dumb sleepy mate...well, this is what his boys are for, right?

[ronearoundblindly]

#fish tank enthusiasts on here are going to be pissed

Don't you hide my accomplishments in the tags! And maybe fish tank enthusiasts want to get fictionally laid, too, huh? I don't discriminate...

Not In Front of the Fish...

Jake Jensen x roommate!Reader follow up to Watch the Fish (see previous or JJ Masterlist)

Summary: You've caught Jake doing something he shouldn't, but there's no reason you can't string him along...and along...and along until the line snaps.

Warnings for smut (many references to masturbation, protected sex), horrible puns (yes, hello, I'm Ro, welcome!), heavy innuendo, trolling this poor boi as hard as humanly possible, taking the lord's name in so much vain, kinda *aggressive* foreplay, aftercare, fluff, and whipped!Jake (deserves a warning because I sure as sh*t wasn't prepared 🫠).

Blame @bigtreefest...or thank Essie, ya know, whatevs! No beta, we die drowning in the fish tank. MINORS DNI. And yes, @whiskeytangofoxtrot555, the glasses stay on 🤭 Y'all may not realize this but I myself am an ultra-awkward nerd, so I identify with Jake's struggle and yet would absolutely, endlessly tease this mothaf**ka.

"Hey, Jakey. Whatcha doing?"

Well, thank fuck he's not still hard standing there with his metaphorical dick out, the last image from your laptop's screen seared into his eyeballs of some woman taking a load in her open mouth.

"Need me--" you steadily lick vanilla ice cream off a spoon, some caught at the corner of your wide open lips "--for anything?"

He stares. He stares so intently he almost falls over. Apparently, he's leaned into his staring.

"My help, perhaps?"

Your tongue rolls across the edge of the refilled spoon.

He thinks maybe he'll cry if you keep this up, but for the love of Christ, please keep this up.

"No," he squeaks. "Just..." Must you be wearing short-shorts? Is it essential that your tank top dip so low? "...saying 'hi.'"

His hand flings out in a wave, five fingers managing to point in eight different directions because he can't commit to any sort of normal human movement.

"So... Hi."

Some ice cream drips off the spoon down your chin and to your chest.

Jake is not here right now. Jake has died.

"Sure." You wipe up your mess and keep eating. "Sweet dreams, big guy. You look ready to hit the sack after a long...satisfying...shower." You let the spoon dangle from your mouth while brushing past him, which you have to do. You have to touch him because Jake can't fucking move for the life of him, and he swears to god you made your hand sweep across the front of his hip.

He jolts to follow the contact before overwriting his hind brain. His hand slaps the wall as he catches himself trying before collapsing into a begging puddle at your feet.

He should tell you. He'd rather die.

He should admit what he's done, admit what he wants to do, but when he stops pinching his eyes shut for strength, Jake turns to find you bent over in the doorway.

"Hello, sweethearts," you coo to the fish, "what would you like to do this evening? Maybe watch another movie?"

You wiggle your butt and make this happy sort of popping noise that Jake can't unhear.

Fuck, is this a thing he's gonna have to deal with now? Listening to you watching porn? His mind instinctively scans your room for a glimpse of any toy you may have left out. He's dying, yeah, but dying to know what they look like, if he's bigger than whatever you bury inside you now.

"Jake," you repeat in a breathy way that has him swallowing his tongue. You've stood back up, holding a bowl with oozing white liquid that teeters close to the edge as it melts.

His dick could top that off in jiffy if you'd like.

He coughs. "Yeah, uh, what?"

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

Fuck me, every muscle, bone, and braincell in his body screams at once.

All he manages is an anatomically-correct impression of a fish. No sound comes up from his desperate lungs. He flees to his room.

He hears you shut your door just as he shoves down the shorts he threw on and grabs a squirt of lotion from the bottle nearby.

Too many images speed through his brain all at once, cum and cream, sex and porn, your open mouth, your presented ass, that peek of cheek beneath soft fabric, the shadow along the seam where the material ran right through your folds--probably, at least, he's filling in gaps wherever he pleases--and the breathy sounds of 'Jakey' 'need me' 'help you' 'satisfying,' and 'anything.'

"Fuck me," he growls out in earnest, sparing no trick to get himself off as fast as possible. Maybe if he's quick he won't learn exactly how hot he finds all this. He already relies on you as the voice in his head.

It's like you're right there on the floor with him, cupping his balls and whispering in his ear.

So hard for me, huh? So heavy and in need of attention. Why did you wait to fuck your fist, Jakey? Had to hear me? Think of this dick filling me better than any toy...

He gasps and groans, shoving his face into the nearest side of mattress to muffle the carnal sound.

It puts his ear right next to his discarded headphones.

"Daddy was so rude just then, huh? I know. He's shy. He'll come see you tomorrow. He just needs to be all alone in his bed when he's tired. I know, I know. It makes mommy sad, too. She doesn't like to be all alone, but that's why I have you. Look at the camera and wish daddy goodnight..."

Oh, fuuuuuuuuck me, Jake wails into his sheets when he hears the sound of you blowing a kiss through the speakers.

Poor thing doesn't know you're torturing him on purpose, but at least he came...with his bare knees aching on the hardwood floor of his room and the nosepiece of his glasses digging into his eye sockets as he buries his shame in his bed.

You suggest he have the fish in his room for a while, like shared custody, but then he knows you would have access to listen to him via the livestream.

If he tells you you have to mute it every time, you'll know he might not have. If he refuses to keep the feed up or the camera functioning, you'll be suspicious of why. If he says fucking anything against your very thoughtful and adorable idea, it'll be a cold day in hell since he will endure all forms of torture just to see your elated smile as the tank is finally setup between his closet and his bed across the room from his desk.

The keystrokes from his work are too faint for the camera's microphone, and he proceeds to wear headphones for music, take calls outside, and never touch himself in his own room for weeks. Ok fine, two, he makes it two weeks.

Deprived of hearing you, which he grew rather dependent on, and needing to inconspicuously lengthen his showers, Jake is a mess.

Why didn't he record anything? Why would he??? He was supposed to get himself together like a man and either ask you out or get the fuck over it.

He even watches (but mostly listens to) porn through his headphones without touching himself in an attempt to fade the memory, but then you show up at his door, asking to visit with the 'kiddos' and checking with the Marauders if 'daddy' is treating them well.

He's not gonna make it, man.

You settle on his bed to read for a while because why the fuck would he say 'no' to you, and this is the part that does Jake in the most: his sheets smell like you after and turning in his desk chair to find you accidentally asleep in his bed just... He can't.

He's unwell thinking about how sweet you are, how fucking horrible he's being by fantasizing about you this way, how if he just had the balls to crawl over to kiss you, he'd--but he doesn't. He just gets worse.

He gets real messed up horny one evening when you're out at some fancy event with friends.

You leave wearing this dress that practically had him on his knees the way it molded to you and yet draped so smoothly in places. He thinks of his mouth molded to you that closely and his body laying so smoothly over yours.

Damn it. He has to do something. He goes into your room, and it's not that bad, he just picks up a t-shirt, that's all. He's not the world's worst perv or anything. It's not underwear, for god's sake, but on a fluke (because he has no idea how long he was in there) he climaxes at the sound of you yelling 'I'm home' from the kitchen and scrambles to the bathroom with his gym shorts wrapped around his thighs, hand still catching spurts of cum as he for sure doesn't calm down, with milliseconds to spare.

Thank fucking god you're slower to climb the stairs in heels.

He takes it back. He is the world's worst perv.

Your t-shirt mysteriously disappears until he can sneak it back into your laundry.

He runs out of floss and absently searches your drawer for--oh my god.

OH. MY GOD.

That...is a large, veiny dildo you have there. Oh fuck.

Jake slams the drawer shut without thinking.

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah, just...just gotta put floss on the grocery list."

"Use some of mine," you call out casually.

"It's fine!" His voice was too high and he answered too fast, but if he's not mistaken, you have now invited him to poke around in your things.

He feels slightly less pervy...and a hell of a lot hornier.

It reaches a point where coming in the shower isn't enough.

He falls asleep ok but wakes restless and craving friction. There's want and then there's need, and Jake fucking needs this or he'll never rest.

He goes on as quietly as possible, thinking that getting up, going to the bathroom, and turning of the exhaust fan will make far more noise than humping his sheets and biting his pillow.

The fish tank glows as usual at the foot of his bed.

Look away, kids, Jake thinks and immediately doesn't know whether to be sick or laugh. Daddy is gonna fucking die like this.

He knows it's pathetic. The entire thing has been pathetic from start to finish, but he's just too tired and too het up to care.

A few whines escape the insulation of his pillowcase. He misses the gentle patter of footsteps down the hall.

There's a soft knock followed by "Jake?"

God damn it. The one time he gives in, and he's already ruined it.

He tucks himself up into the band of his boxers which is not exactly subtle but can't be helped. Jake rolls out of his bed, finding his glasses in the dark to crack open the door with his body strategically behind it.

"Yeah, what's up?"

He can't make out a whole lot in the low light, but you don't say anything. Your arms are spread out to hang on either side of the frame, making your (again) very low-cut tank top his only focal point.

Well now he's sorta worried this has absolutely fuck-all to do with his problem. "Are you okay?"

"I...I thought..."

Your voice is soft and timid. It makes Jake want to wrap you in his arms, but he's still worried that you'll say you heard him and it's not okay and he's gross and this is all way, way out of line.

He holds his breath to better listen.

"I hoped you would have needed me by now."

What. Air rushes out of him like he's been tackled.

Sorry, WHAT?

"What?" the question finally falls out as he leans intensely again, shifting so the door doesn't slam in your face, his bare chest and lower half now visible as much as they can be. "You...what now??"

Your arms fall and you step forward. It looks to him like you move with trepidation, that your head is lowered in embarrassment, that somehow you're shy about your confession. Maybe you are, but only the tiniest amount compared to him.

"Tell me if I'm wrong, Jake." You slap one hand to his chest with a crinkling noise, and he swiftly moves to take the wrapped condom. "Tell me if you don't want this," you continue, lowering your voice and hand until your thumb grazes the exposed head of his cock.

Lightning strikes and super-charges his need.

"But if you don't th--"

He'll be damned if you finish that thought. Jake scoops your jaw into one big hand, angling you just-so, barreling you both into his door as it swings into his closest with a wobbling bang. He's clumsy and his grip goes everywhere to bully you flush with his body yet not drop your timely offering.

His kisses are feverish and sloppy. By the feel of you groping at his back and shoulders, you're not mad about it. He fumbles with the wrapper behind your back. It takes his attention away for a few seconds.

"I prepped for you," you whisper hoarsely. "I'm ready."

Jake has no legs at that point and takes you with him in a heap to the floor. While stripping away his boxers, he realizes his naked ass is high in the air of his room.

All he can see in his mind is fish pressed against the glass, staring, judging. Gah, not here.

He maneuvers into your hold again and says, "hang on," crawling to the hall runner so the 'children' won't see. No, he can't make it any further because his length is snuggled between your fucking thighs and somehow the hallway is a fucking mile long to your room. No, he's not immune to your whines from where your head is tucked in the crease of his neck.

Here's fine.

As gracefully as he can, Jake collapses onto you, collecting the noises he missed so much directly from the source.

For being made of such little fabric, your shorts are in his way, and he's genuinely annoyed to have to lift from you again, even though it's necessary to discard them and necessary to get the now-open condom rolled along his aching cock.

His glasses are already smeared from haphazardly exploring your skin. If Jake couldn't see before, he's all but blind now. The only garment close enough to try and clean them is your tank top, but he ignores it because it's still dark. He needs to feel you more than anything else in the world.

Lightly, your fingertips flicker down his abs and lead him to close the gap between you.

Jake groans as he lines himself up and easily notches into your welcoming heat. As aroused as you are, he still edges himself deeper and deeper in barely-controlled strokes, grabbing the railing at his side for leverage and stability.

He grunts instead of articulating how magnificent you feel. He moans instead of voicing what an utter blessing it is to finally fuck you. He gasps with the rolls of your hips because you taking control while beneath him just...unravels him.

This was too long coming, and he wasn't prepared.

Jake's apology for being fast to finish perches at the tip of his tongue when you cut off his words and the last of circulation to his brain.

You shake and pant, mewling 'yes' and his name, while your body squeezes him like a vice. He's being pumped to completion without moving another muscle, and, good fucking god, he has to hang on, falling to his forearm, keeping his open mouth hovering over yours.

Jake thinks maybe he just drowned and got brought back to life.

Right there, in his face are your precariously covered tits, nipples rock hard and taunting him. He doesn't care what his dick's doing anymore; he wrenches a strap down your chest and lavishes your plush flesh with attention.

Too long coming and in no way prepared... Neither were you.

Your hands brace his head, fingers buried in his short hair as you wiggle and hump at his semi-stiff cock inside you. Jake hisses in over-stimulation but doesn't stop you. He swears he will never, ever stop you.

His attentions on your breasts slow but he can't seem to let you go for a long time, long after your legs fall away from him, limp and twitching.

A pair of goodbye pecks is his parting gift before Jake nuzzles up the column of your neck and takes what little breath you've regained, curling his arms around you as his tongue curls with yours.

When he adjusts again, he realizes how sore he's getting from kneeling on the floor, and sits up to help you, too.

"Let me get--I'll just--"

Jake can almost reach a towel inside the bathroom from this position with his long arms, but he's sure to warm up the tap and trash the condom before returning to gently wipe you. He may have made a quick pass at his lenses in there as well.

You look dazed and delightfully sated, basking in the streak of light from the bathroom, leaning on your palms like you're on a beach somewhere.

"Fuck, you're stunning," he says without thought.

He...lingers a while to clean you up, overtly mapping these bits of you he hasn't seen yet.

"What took you so long?"

Jake tosses the towel up into the sink behind him and manhandles you into his arms.

"I might've ruined everything." He starts to lower you into your bed, but you don't release your arms from around his neck. "You could've kicked me out."

He's not going to argue. He won't say 'no' to you.

"Come here, you dork. You can't keep me waiting anymore."

Jake climbs into the cramped, cozy space with you, mentally noting that a bigger bed is definitely on the shopping list.

A/N: I am strategically leaving out my thoughts on the next morning for now because I'm just too excited, eeeee!

[kitten4sannie]

Kitten hybrid sannie with red fluffy ears and a red fluffy tail and all he wants is to breed you and have his kittens :(((((((((

my hard hours are closed but i’ll do it for you, you heathennn 🫵🏼 plus i can’t say no to desperate kitten sannie :((( i wrote this in such a frenzy fhdkdh i hope you enjoy <3

(warnings: subby kitty hybrid! san, mommy kink, breeding kink, bulge kink, unprotected sex, creampies)

“gonna fill you up again, mommy, so you’ll be nice and full of my kittens,” san informed in between gasps of air, his mouth hanging open, his tiny tongue splayed out and leaking drool down onto your face, ramming his throbbing cock into your already cum-filled cunt, sloppily but with clear intent to impregnate you, his previous loads dripping down your slit and onto the stained sheets below.

the thing about san was that he was a ball of energy, always capable of giving into the zoomies at any time of the day, but he was also the biggest hornball you’ve ever come across, humping his precious plushies out of sheer desperation by day and pumping you full of his cum by night — so mix those two together and what do you get? a pussy full of cum, a sore body, and tiny teeth marks left all over your neck and collarbone when you got up the next morning for work. it was worth it in the end. you loved your cute little kitty companion.

“mommy wants kitty’s milk, right?” san asked, his bright red ears lowering slightly, his pretty lips forming a small pout.

“yes, baby,” you reassured, gazing up at him with glossy, half-closed eyes, caressing his sweaty, flushed face. “now be a good boy and cum so you can make me a real mommy.”

short circuiting from your words, san looked down at the bulge his cock continuously made inside your lower stomach, only having to graze his fingers over it and think about all of the cum he most definitely pumped inside your womb. “cumming…!” the kitty hybrid cried out, slamming his cock so deep inside you that it made you yelp, keeping his body still and pressed tightly onto yours as ropes of milky liquid coated your plush inner walls for the nth time.

“h-how many times was that, sannie?” you asked softly, your thighs trembling against his, your lower half almost numb from how many times you had reached your own end, joined by a dull throbbing that was due to being fucked dumb for so long.

“not enough, mommy, need to fuck you full,” san whined, his tail flicking back and forth raipidly behind him, using his canines to gingerly gnaw on your neck, licking over the bite marks with his sandpaper tongue. “gotta keep fucking you, gotta make sure you’ll have sannie’s kittens.”

“o-okay, baby,” you nodded weakly, running your fingers through his damp red hair, occasionally rubbing at his ears, encouraging a series of deep, reverberating purrs to emanate from san’s throat.

“thank you, mommy,” san purred, moving upwards to lick into your mouth and taste you, before he sat up and back on his heels. he slowly pulled out just to watch a few beads of pre-cum to leak out of his reddened cockhead, before shoving himself back into you, your sopping wet hole sucking him back in to his delight, a small pleased trill exiting his drooling mouth.

and just like that, he was hunched over you again, hands pressed firmly onto the mattress near either side of your head, bucking his hips into yours like he hadn’t been going at it for what seemed like hours. he’d probably go a couple more too, and you’d probably wake up with dark circles and a fuzzy feeling in your brain, but it was worth it. you loved your sannie.

© kitten4sannie, 2023.

[procrastinationstationn]

pussy zoomies

[chishiyasleftnut]

This was written at 3am when I couldn’t sleep because an idea popped into my head and decided to stay. At first, I wanted it to be a bullet point hc type of post, but then the midnight zoomies took over and this is the result. ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

Due to the subject matter, this is less smutty than my normal fics. However, it does jump straight into the action, so warning for that lmao.

Safeword

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤 Warnings: Smut, choking, use of safeword. Pairings: Chishiya x fem!reader.

Plot: In the heat of the moment, Chishiya accidentally pushes past fem!reader’s comfort zone, prompting a needed talk on consent and boundaries.

1058 words. 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

“God, I love you,” Chishiya half whispered, half groaned into your ear as he continuously fucked into you from behind, making your knees weak and your vision blurry.

This was far from the first time you had sex. Ever since you locked eyes with him in a hectic hearts game that you both somehow managed to survive months ago, you had become quite depending on each other. Of course, this dependency had little to do with actual love and more to do with carnal desire.

That little fact didn’t stop Chishiya from telling you how much he loved you each time he fucked you. You had started to wonder if he had a weird kink for emotions sparked by his clear lack of them in every other setting, but that was something you decided he had to take up with a therapist, not you. Besides, you were kinda into it.

“You take me so good, you know?” he grunted, not giving your cunt a chance to relax. “Taking all of me so well.”

“Mmm, you fuck me so good, ‘Shiya,” you mumbled in a way that wouldn’t make sense to anyone but Chishiya. By now he had learned to understand the weird mumbles you let out when he hit the right spot.

One thing took another, and in a state of pussy drunk he had never reached before, Chishiya decided that right now was the perfect chance to try something new. You liked hair pulling and spanking, so he thought choking was only another obvious kink of yours. And he would be terribly wrong.

With his hand snaked around your throat, he, to his surprise, felt you completely stiffen up underneath him.

“Umbrella!” you yelled out, causing Chishiya to immediately release your throat and stop his thrusting.

For the first time Chishiya, who always seemed to have a plan, was at a loss for words, unsure how to approach this. So, instead of doing anything he just froze, looking down at you in shock that a simple action like choking made you use your agreed on safeword.

“Get off me,” you asked quietly.

Chishiya immediately complied, pulling out of you and scooting backwards on the bed, as far away from you as the bed allowed him. Silence filled the room as you sat down on your butt with your legs pulled up to your chest.

Finally, with a croaky and confused voice, Chishiya broke the silence.

“You good?”

The question seemed insane to you. Obviously, you weren’t good, but you weren’t in a state of mind to verbally respond. Instead, you simply shook your head, keeping your eyes on the mattress.

“What… what do you need me to do?” he asked carefully, completely dumbfounded in this situation.

Sure, Chishiya knew of safewords - that’s why he had agreed to establish one with you - but he had never been in a situation where it was actually used. Was he supposed to hug you? God, that would be terribly awkward, but sure he would do it. Maybe you wanted space and nothing to do with him? Weirdly enough, that seemed even worse to him, but once more he would do it.

“Can you stay with me?” you asked weakly.

Chishiya nodded and made an attempt to move closer to you.

“No. Stay where you are, just… sit with me.”

“Ah. Gotcha,” he replied, making sure not to move any closer.

Uncomfortable silence ensued for what felt like ages. Although you had been seeing each other sexually for months now, feelings weren’t something you actively discussed. Despite that, Chishiya obviously never wanted to make you uncomfortable, but he was completely clueless as to how to remedy the situation and comfort you.

“Do you want some water?” he asked, grasping for straws.

To his surprise, you nodded, prompting him to immediately stand up to fill a nearby glass with water from the bathroom. When he came back you had changed position, instead climbed under the covers. He handed you the cold glass of water and awkwardly watched as you drank the entire thing before putting down the glass with a light thud on the bedside table.

“Do you feel better?” he asked, standing completely still, and waiting for you to tell him what to do.

You shrugged, leaving the room in silence once again. Finally, you spoke up.

“Can you cuddle me?”

It was an easy enough request, he thought. He therefore went back into bed with you, climbing under the covers and pulling you in close to him. He wasn’t much of a cuddler, but he couldn’t deny that laying still like this was quite calming. He was slowly getting why people liked it, even if he would never admit that aloud - or worse: actually initiate it himself.

“So,” he said after a while, his gaze focused on the ceiling. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Mh,” you nodded. “I don’t like choking.”

“I figured as much.”

“Sorry.”

Your apology perplexed him.

“You have nothing to apologise. I’m the one who should say sorry.”

You shrugged before moving closer to him, letting his natural scent fill your nose and calm your thoughts.

“Still… I kinda ruined the mood.”

“Nonsense. I was the one getting ahead of myself,” he said firmly, finally looking down at you. Despite the uncomfortable situation, you had started to look more at ease.

To his delight, you huffed air out of your nose, indicating you were at least calm enough to find humour in the situation.

“It’s fine. Shit happens,” you told him. “Just… no more choking, okay?”

“Got it. I will leave your throat alone,” he promised, sounding earnest. He had definitely learned his leason. “Is any other obvious thing off bounds?”

“I don’t think so,” you began carefully. “But maybe let’s agree to discuss new things before we get hot and heavy.”

“I’ll remember that.”

To your surprise, Chishiya didn’t seem the least bit mad that this was the end of your intimacy today. What surprised you even more, was how willing the otherwise stoic man was to let you rest in his arms without anything sexual going on at the same time. Perhaps this would become a regular part of aftercare. You could only hope, as neither of you would be the first person to suggest doing anything more than fucking.

[dmsr-art]

You used the phrase "pussy zoomies" once and it irrevocably changed my life. It's entered my permanent lexicon. Everyone around me has to hear it now. Thank you for your service.

it's such an incredible phrase isn't it? i actually didn't come up with it one of my homies in the gc said it to me LOL

also the fic in question that gave me pussy zoomies at 6am

[petersbaby]

Some EM headcanons for funsies SFW and NSFW

SFW

- Screams “you motherfucker” when he loses at an arcade game and kicks it but only hurts his toe

- Gets the zoomies like dogs do, running all over the house over and over until he runs out of energy and falls to the ground

- Never fails to get toothpaste on his shirt in the morning

- Would probably join in if he saw some kids playing jump rope

- Same with hopscotch. He loves to hop.

- Uses tuna salad to try to lure and capture stray neighborhood cats + “here kitty kitty” and kissy noises

- Will still eat food that had ants in it. “Extra protein” he says.

- Microwaved ramen noodles without water bc he forgot and blew up the microwave (more than once)

- If he gets a stain on a couch cushion he’ll just flip the cushion over instead of fixing the stain. “There. Like brand new.”

- Would play “just dance” on the wii in 2008

- He grows talons and only trims his toenails once you tell him they fucking scratch you in bed under the blanket

- Practices his rizz on mannequins at the mall until he gets kicked out

- Has 2 pairs of socks and one pair has a hole

- Can’t cook for shit so prefers takeout

NSFW

- Likes his hair pulled, whimpers when it is

- “God, oh god” moaning while jerking off to a thought of you

- “Please” and “thank you” in sexual situations

- Starts to cry when he gets teased for too long

- He loves giving head to both boys and girls, he’s a pro at eating pussy and sucking dick

- Folds his pillow in half and fucks it

- Actually probably fucks literally anything he can get his dick in

- Several boners a day, all day

- Plot twist: the handcuffs are for him. He is not a dom. He has to act like he is to match his style and personality, but once you get alone in a room with him he’s putty in your hands.

- “Mommy”

- Cockwarming

- Forgets to take his rings off until they’ve got cum all over them and it’s too late

- Jerks off in bathrooms at parties and also in his van at night

- Piss kink. I know it. I feel it in my bones.

[saeist]

SHARE THE DRUNK HCS AND BLURBS PLZ IM BEGGING (totally not drunk rn too 😍)

random drunk headcanons of various bllk characters:

sae – face and neck gets really red. like almost the color of his hair. still doesn’t talk much even when drunk although he occasionally cracks a joke here and there but no one gets it cuz they think he’s serious

isagi – clumsy as fuck once the alcohol hits. man is stumbling and falling around everywhere + he hiccups

rin – lightweight. give him a can of beer and hes out. also an emotional drunk. mainly talks and babbles about sae and you know its time to go home when he starts covering his face cuz hes crying (about sae)

oliver – the drunk uncle kind of drunk. can drink like a sailor but with every pint he finishes he gets louder and louder til he’s full on yelling (he thinks hes just speaking normally), also the one who proposes to everyone that they should get a drink. sings a lot too while under the influence (he’s bad at it sad to say…)

karasu – the philosophical when drunk. literally starts a whole debate about anything and still continues to assess people but more upfront now. will literally air out all the problems you seem to have with just a cold hard stare for about 5 minutes. becomes the group’s therapist

nagi – knocked out just after one sip. doesn’t drink, doesn’t want to drink, got forced by reo to go with them and now he’s sleeping soundly at the edge of the couch. (he’s the guy that everyone thinks got shitfaced drunk thats why he passed out but no)

reo – the dd or the designated driver. also pays for everyone’s drinks + anything the guys break at the club/bar/karaoke/etc. can handle liquor like a boss he is. ends up drinking one on one with one the last man standing guys since everyone is now literally shit faced drunk (usually its karasu) and opts to buy the hardest whiskey the club/bar/karaoke/etc. has to offer just to “unwind” no reo, you just have money and liver of gold

bachira – the one that ends up breaking something/s because he got the zoomies from drinking too much

chigiri – drinks cocktails like long islands, etc. cuz he’s chigiri

aryu – also only drinks cocktails OR wine 🍷 #styl

tokimitsu – got peer pressured (by otoya) into drinking a lot and is now a babbling mess

otoya – talks a lot of shit for someone who’s also another lightweight. initiates the drinking games that caused 75% of the group to blackout from drinking a lil too much. tried to invite girls in but got blocked by kunigami

kunigami – drinks only a little cuz he’s that one saint that looks over the group when everyone is wasted. bless up kunigami 🙏

shidou – the first one to get shitfaced blackout drunk. like actually. the moment they arrive at the venue, he orders the hardest thing on the menu and downs it in one go. (otoya instigates saying “bet you cant drink that shit in a minute and shidou goes BET) also the one breaking tables with bachira because they were playing the floor is lava and you know how that went… also makes fun of rin for crying about sae (“pussy!” -shidou 2k23)

kurona – sits at the corner drinking his own cup and eventually does get a lil tipsy. you can tell with how he repeats words more frequently and how he mispronounces them

hiori – the gunner aka the one who pours the drinks to everyone. also can take liquor like a man! liver of steel i tell you that. they cannot escape hiori when it’s someone’s turn to drink like .. he will deadass follow you around with your cup if its your turn like… nothing will stop my man hiori! will also give you a side eye if you pass this round . but that’s just him

yukimiya – doesn’t want to drink but is forced to drink since hiori keeps following him around. is a little lightweight since he doesn’t drink at all. also gets free drinks from random strangers because they think he’s hot (mostly from the ladies with their numbers under the cup) is the one that got side eyed by hiori since he passed this round.. again

[sebsxphia]

Sebbie I just wanna say thank you a millionfold for the kind words, you really are the best and I hope you never forget that.

I did have kind of a funny Rhett thought earlier on the way home from an errand and it had me cackling like a friggin witch (lol).

You and Rhett ended up with a big fuzzy Maine Coon cat who is probably the nuttiest beast you've ever met. He's more like a dog than an actual cat and has been known to play fetch with your dogs.

One day that damn cat gets a wicked bad case of the zoomies and it's almost cartoonish in the way it looks. He's running around the house while Rhett's trying to study for a class he needs to take on the job of being a woodworking teacher at one of the hippie schools near where you live. The cat's making a bit of a racket and all of a sudden you hear Rhett calling from the kitchen, "DARLIN HELP!!! YOUR PUSSY'S GONE CRAZY!!!!!" (lol).

my loveeeee, bless you! i’m always gonna be here for you and i hope you never forget that either, or how much you mean to me! 🥹🥰 but yes, omg, maine coons! my dad had one that died shortly before i was born. he was gorgeous and so lovely, but could be a bit mad. i’d definitely love one with rhett too 🥹🫶🏻

[gremlingottoosilly]

....putting my bets that zoomies! reader gets along very nicely to a werewolf!soap 👀👀👀

They play tag all the time! Soap is forbidden from turning into a wolf, though, he always wants to bite and tug the poor reader by her neck, and Price doesn't want you to bleed to death, so only human form. Not like it's helping you much - even when he is just a meaty human on two legs, he is still a trained soldier who can break you in two. Price won't even help you to escape Johnny during tags, he wastes so much of your energy on it that you can fall asleep right after! Running away from Johnny always ends up in one exact scenario though, and you hate it( he pushes you down to your knees, just a pretty victim spread for him - he'd put one of his paws - hands, shite - on your bulging belly, and you're ready to be taken. It's a good thing that Price allows his team to take you as their shared mate - you're so wet under Soap already, squirming and crying, begging for him to not put anything in because, apparently, you're still sore from Ghost...well, the only thing our friendly werewolf can do is to give you actual seed and knot in your hungry holes. Maybe, if you plead enough, he'll knot your ass and not your sore, leaking pussy. He supports you softly, so your belly won't get hurt as he pounds into you, but it's the only form of mercy you will have( he would say sorry again and again, saying that he just couldn't help it, all of the running and chasing riled him up - and when your squeaky cries finally attract Price, he will grunt something about you messing up with his workflow over the training and force you to gag on his cock too, to waste your energy a bit more( Don't worry, when you're sleepy and soft after, they will get you to your nest! With Soap's cock still inside, since he can't really force his knot out of your soaked hole, it will hurt you(

[madsmilfelsen]

'MY TATTOOS ARE OLDER THAN YOU'??? FIRST LINE AND I AM ALREADY LIKE OH OKAY WHILE I GET PUSSY ZOOMIES PLEASE HAVE MERCY

the whole point of me even writing that fic is going to be just to use that line

[ladymariayuri]

to da mutuals that played world and/or the older games; was high rank rajang always like........ a sad sedated gorilla compared to the master rank version. ive been pussying around doing the rajang quest til now and it was a literal joke compared to kirin methhead zoomies omega terrorist grab-you-off-my-arm-and-throw-you-into-a-wall iceborne regular rajang

[mihai-florescu]

im so out of the loop but so intrigued by that series of personal updates. polish pussy soap? lego gun? are you being held hostage by tomska characters?

He's an international business student repeating his 4th year for the second time if it explains anything. They actually stopped teaching his major (he was also studying japanese) halfway through so he had to switch. Anyway. He is a trickster entity and I am going to gravely miss him when we eventually part ways after graduation, he's too integral to my everyday life and i can never predict what he'll do next. If youve ever seen Tatami Galaxy, he's kind of like Ozu. He claims he's never had a dream or nightmare and never experienced overthinking, which is insane to me, how do you exist. I know him so i genuinely believe he's speaking the truth when he says that. Sometimes he gets the zoomies to do diy projects (it's why we've had jars of pickled jalapenos in the storage room for years now. He doesnt eat them he just felt like making them. The lego guns were also a result of diy zoomies, he bought the parts and instructions to build them. Etcetera). The pussy soap thing i cant explain, idk he just got the wrong soap from the polish supermarket. I dont know how he fucked it up that badly but it was funny so we kept it. He is like our own personal pet, very interesting guy but in a mundane way.

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

Hello MightActuallyBeEwan, a question or game for you, if you would indulge? Could you please rank The Targaryens from Most to Least Problematic if someone made a reality tv spin off with them?

Sorry for the random. I have the zoomies.

Ah, this is fun, thank you!

Viserys - despite how much I wanna spread peepaw's cheeks, he repeatedly lets his children down and is a total pussy - his inaction causes more problems than it solves.

Aegon - if he'd perhaps been a bit nicer to Aemond as a child then Aemond wouldn't have turned into a creepy, wraith-like incel. Always drunk. Likes watching children fight. Is mean to Helaena. A rapist.

Daemon - violent, arrogant, needs to learn an insult besides "cunt". Divorced his first wife with a rock.

Aemond - arrogant, never changes his clothes, committed vehicular manslaughter on his nephew.

Rhaenyra - was a total dick to Aemond when he had his eye slashed out. Gaslights people. Massive liar. Mean to Alicent.

Helaena - a sweet baby angel who does no wrong.

Have I missed any?!