#psy goes to therapy

[whimsicalmeerkat]

Writing Round-Up: November 2023

Total Words: 17,009

Estimated Hours: 21

Fics Worked On: 14

Fics Started: 7

Fics Completed: 4

Fics Completed

I think I know a secret (previously untitled Sterek fall festival fic): 3,319 total words

We’re Dark Like Fen in a Storm at Night exchange fic #1 (will be revealed 12/10): 3,134 total words

Adam/Minos drabble: 100 total words

in the middle of the night (Derek catches Stiles masturbating): 1,681 total words

take me to the edge so I can fall apart: RelationShipping exchange fic - 2,801 words

WIPs Posted/Updated

a time to mourn and a time to hope (Steterek dead Stiles): chapter 4 posted

whiskey on the rocks & adderall (Teen Wolf - bamf Stiles goes to college): chapter 1 posted

Total written word counts, WIP lists, and more under the cut!

Totals Per Fic

whiskey on the rocks & adderall (Teen Wolf - bamf Stiles goes to college): 651

wash off all this blame (Teen Wolf - Derek forces Stiles to go to the beach and discuss things like the benefits of therapy): 1,170

won’t you take me from this valley (Sterek Regency time travel nonsense): 1,817

a time to mourn and a time to hope (Steterek dead Stiles): 1,151

untitled Stackson friendship movie fix it (the Teen Wolf movie was a travesty): 934

Trading Up (Sterek smooth Derek meet cute): 591

I think I know a secret (previously untitled Sterek fall festival fic): 2,482

We’re Dark Like Fen in a Storm at Night exchange fic #1 (will be revealed 12/10): 3,258

Adam/Minos drabble: 100

Small Fandoms Big Bang fic: 655

We’re Dark Like Fen in a Storm at Night exchange fic #2 (defaulted): 945

in the middle of the night (Derek catches Stiles masturbating): 1,681

Sterek moon gave me permission recursive murder husbands: 942

Daemon Sadi & Maleficent fight crack fic: 632

Fics Started

We’re Dark Like Fen in a Storm at Night exchange fic #1 (will be revealed 12/10): 3,258

Adam/Minos drabble: 100

Small Fandoms Big Bang fic: 655

We’re Dark Like Fen in a Storm at Night exchange fic #2 (defaulted): 945

in the middle of the night (Derek catches Stiles masturbating): 1,681

Sterek moon gave me permission recursive murder husbands: 942

Daemon Sadi & Maleficent fight crack fic: 632

Active WIPs at Beginning of Month

a time to mourn and a time to hope (Steterek dead Stiles)

won’t you take me from this valley (Sterek Regency time travel nonsense)

wash off all this blame (Teen Wolf - Derek forces Stiles to go to the beach and discuss things like the benefits of therapy)

untitled Sterek fall festival fic

WIPs to Get Back To at Beginning of Month

untitled Stackson friendship movie fix it (the Teen Wolf movie was a travesty)

whiskey on the rocks & adderall (Teen Wolf - bamf Stiles goes to college)

Trading Up (Sterek smooth Derek meet cute)

Fics Planned at Beginning of Month

We’re Dark Like Fen in a Storm at Night exchange fic #1 (due 11/10)

We’re Dark Like Fen in a Storm at Night exchange fic #2 (due 11/20)

We’re Dark Like Fen in a Storm at Night exchange fic #3 (due 11/30)

Yuletide exchange fic (due 12/18) - Small Fandoms Big Bang fic

Aspirational Neglected WIP List at Beginning of Month

devil don’t take a break (Teen Wolf - demon Stiles bad friend Scott season one rewrite)

untitled Kaleb/Judd fic (Psy-Changeling - allies to friends to lovers)

gonna tell my friends to all join in, going to tell them all to come (Men’s Hockey RPF - Hertl incubus fic)

untitled Regency fic of doom (Men’s Hockey RPF - Thornton/Burns primary with additional side couples and some OCs)

goalie birthday fics (possibly triple drabbles?)

untitled magic returns AU (Black Jewels - modern AU where magic comes back, only it’s no longer tied to gender)

it kind of vanishes away (Teen Wolf - Chris/Derek fraught fuck buddies)

untitled Chris has amnesia fic (Teen Wolf - what it says on the tin)

say that you belong to me (formerly Jukebox exchange fic)

untitled soulmates enemies to lovers (The Hollows - Trent’s keeping important information from Rachel, which will work out poorly for him)

pain that leaves permanent marks (Black Jewels - trauma processing)

Don’t Challenge the Ruthless (The Hollows - Rachel gets a little too comfortable around Trent)

[halfmoonism]

Where Wrath's Edge is Sharp (wwes)

hi sorry I am subjecting you to the Horrors (my terrible awful p5 longfic au that I will. eventually? post once I've finished arc 1 (crossing my fingers. we're at 150ish-k at the time of writing and they're still going through the first palace.))

initial post | wwes tag

major p5r spoilers immediately ahead:

short ver: not-quite-roleswap AU where an Akechi who is persona-less until 17 runs into Morgana instead and unwittingly becomes the leader of the “phantom thieves” w/ Morgana, Makoto, Futaba and Sumire, going against sort-of-Black-Mask Joker w/ Ryuji, Ann, Yusuke, and Haru.

long ver: takes a deep breath.

the layout of the iyr/rtg masterpost is so pretty, I'm citing it as inspiration :) I'll start w/ general notes then go into more concise sets of info

misc

no romance! this is an entirely gen found family fic w/ mild alternative chara interpretation (due to differing circumstances) but otherwise sort of follows canon, though the timeline starts abt 8 months before p5r canon (sept 2015)

I'm most likely keeping second and third awakenings, confidant links just take ten million years to progress bc Akechi is. Akechi

new personas: Akechi (Robin Hood -> Skadi, now 2nd persona), Sumire (Cendrillon -> Antigone)

Robin Hood just didn’t make sense for the direction Akechi's chara took (after still feeling helpless, all hope he had that he could be a hero of justice that avenged his mother died); Cendrillon made no sense for Sumire (she never became Kasumi, so the "clock strikes 12/become a different person" theme doesn't fit)

I'm so insane over his 2nd persona being Skadi btw like in mythology Loki killed her dad so. yknow. definitely no parallels there abt being both the victim and the perpetrator or anything

since there's only 5 party members, there is no set nav! Futaba fights w/ a scythe :) this also means everyone else helps teach sumire how to analyze weaknesses after she joins the team :) whoever's nav comments on showtimes as well!

element specializing:

Akechi - curse/psy/gun (Loki), bless/ice/phys (Skadi) Morgana - wind (main healer/buffer + I was not giving him gun sorry lmao) Makoto - nuke/lightning Futaba - psy/fire Sumire - bless/phys

new teams (+ arcanas)

notes: - new arcanas don't reflect the canon storyline, like Akechi being the Tower doesn't mean he has Shinya's canon storyline. it's more about reflections of their personalities and circumstances :) - Ninth Circle links (besides Joker) all break after certain points in the story and reform in third sem

the Espy Division (name courtesy of Futaba)

Futaba initially wanted to name them the Neo Justice Squad V but she was vehemently shut down by Akechi and Makoto lol

Akechi — the Tower

Morgana — Judgment

Makoto — the Chariot

Futaba — the Hanged Man

Sumire — the Fool

the Ninth Circle (name courtesy of mostly Ryuji)

Joker/Ren — Justice

Ryuji — Strength

Ann — the Magician

Yusuke — the High Priestess

Haru — Death

non-team confidants (in order of appearance; might be changed but these are pretty set)

Kiyoko Hagoromo (literally the only OC; goes to Akechi's school) — the Lovers

Lala Escargot — Temperance

Jose — the World

Trader Sakai — Wheel of Fortune

Muhen — the Hierophant

Sojiro Sakura — the Star

Shinya Oda — the Sun

Eiko Takao — the Moon

Shinichi Yoshizawa — the Empress

Hifumi Togo — the Hermit

Mika (Yamanaka) — the Devil

Sae Niijima — the Emperor (only established after interrogation room)

major plot changes

on principle, the Espy Division do not steal hearts. they fight the shadows to metaphorically break through to ppl and go from there. Futaba and Sumire do not steal their own hearts, for example. they go to therapy

Akechi does not awaken when he is 15. he continues to get passed around between foster homes until he lands the internship at the prosecution's office at 17 and immediately moves out to his own apartment

Akechi's very grand plan to take Shido down this time is to gain so much fame and credibility that ppl will actually listen to him when he publicly accuses Shido of all of his crimes. he does this by using the Metaverse to solve cases fast, which naturally makes Makoto suspicious of him

Shido and Sae's palaces are discovered early but not explored until around the time they are in canon. instead Futaba's palace is done first, then Sumire's, then the canon palaces are done in order

Sumire does not become Kasumi! her parents try to send her to therapy but she's so utterly convinced that she doesn't deserve it that she completely avoids Maruki and develops a palace instead (the palace of Acedia; forms as an arena in scramble crossing)

the canon palaces are done but for different reasons (Kaneshiro's is done as the conclusion to a long series of cases Akechi and Makoto were looking into since Dec; Okumura's is done bc Haru insists that they do it; Sae's is done bc she outright threatens to take Akechi and Makoto into custody if they don't turn themselves in)

Joker joins them for Sae's palace. they're all fully aware he's the leader of the enemy team but they reluctantly need his assistance to get past one of the cognitive doors

Joker's confidants (minus the Espy Division members/Shinya/Lavenza/Sae) are still happening in the bg so that's. so very fun for Sojiro when interrogation room comes around

Yaldabaoth declares Joker as the winner immediately after Shido confesses and claims his “prize” by possessing him to terrorize Tokyo. yes this is how I incorporate satanael into the plot

Maruki's reality still comes to pass, but everyone's wishes are appropriately updated. Akechi is not the only person in his apartment. Sumire's not the only sister alive. Joker... Nothing Bad Happens at all to him :)

[aspd-culture]

The obsession with how people work is pretty frequent in ASPD (we tend to like psychology and sociology bc it’s much more interesting when your brain processes it from a more outside perspective rather than “of course yeah everyone does that” but that goes for autism too probably), but the others are possible special interests? But I question the autism personally because his issue is never in understanding social constructs, social rules, etc. the way that autistic people often do, even in this scene he’s upset that this kid can avoid all the social dances he despises because of not understanding them while House is forced to follow them because he doesn’t have that kind of excuse. Also he doesn’t appear to have any sensory issues at all during the show that I recall. That wipes out two pretty big diagnostic blocks. If he’s autistic it’s definitely a different end of the spectrum than I’m used to.

I’d have to dig for the exact episode but it happens within the arc (spoilers!!!!) where he is sent to the psychiatric facility and then to mandatory therapy. During that at some point he is referred to as “antisocial” and I think having “antisocial traits” specifically. These are medical terms that especially in a specialized psychiatric facility, they wouldn’t use callously where they mean cruel or asocial, so we can safely assume they mean ASPD.

His own colleagues definitely call him a sociopath at least a time or two, and they are also very well trained in recognizing psychiatric issues due to their line of work requiring frequent differentials of psych disorders (which you know if you’ve seen the show but this also gives context to readers who may not have). It’s unlikely - especially given that they do a mediocre “sociopath” episode (except she wasn’t really bc it’s never Lupus so to speak) - that they’d have misused that term for him when they clearly know what it means. He even struggles in that episode with wondering if he’s more like her than he’d want to admit. In general I don’t recall illnesses being used erroneously as insults anywhere in the show unless the person they’re speaking about has those things except by Dr. House himself.

And then there’s the big two things that say ASPD vs Autism for me - firstly that House is seen heavily researching what’s “wrong” with him in little bits and pieces if you’re looking for it. These are often written off as one liners or in the background but it’s there. He actively wants to know what is causing him to behave in ways he doesn’t like and can’t seem to control. If he was autistic, he’d likely have found that out by now. He even considers it himself with the boy who gives him the (PSP I think? Maybe Vita?? That thing) which might be this episode, but turns back on it deciding it didn’t fit quite right. You could definitely read this as him not wanting to admit it to himself, but if he truly felt it fit then I’d assume over the course of the series when he clearly wants to get better, he’d have taken that knowledge and either tried to treat it or very possibly even used it as an excuse for his behavior.

And secondly returns to his time in the psychiatric facility. They would, in my opinion, absolutely have diagnosed him as autistic if that were the case. It would have been equally “good TV” to watch House go through ABA as it would have been for him to go through therapy and antidepressants, so there was no reason for him not to. This would have given him access to the “insanity defense” later on as well, which he doesn’t get and is not something pwASPD can use despite having a severe mental disorder that causes our symptoms which is what that is supposed to be for. It just doesn’t work for us bc of the stigma. I believe it does have precedent to work for some autistic people though.

I have another post that goes in depth on this somewhere I think. I’ll see if I can find it and tag you if I can. It’s super interesting (me, a special interest in “abnormal” and disordered psychology?? Prove it!/j) imo to see how a very possibly unintentional at first well written pwASPD was shown to the masses but truly it might also have been the intention the entire time. There have been a couple papers published I’ve found on the internet discussing House’s evident ASPD but they are pay to read and I can smell the risk of ableism with the last two seasons all the way over here so I refuse to touch those until I’m ready for them.

"house isint autistic" WHATS THIS THEN????

[psyraah]

On fiction, reality, and problematic/dark fic as coping

CW: mentions of child sexual abuse, depression, alcoholism, self-harm. And a bunch of other general not very fun things. Also age discourse. 

This has been weighing on my mind for a little bit. This is something that I’ve only recently figured out for myself, and so bear with me as I try to articulate it. I’m not entirely sure what the point of this is, other than to a) get something off my chest, and b) share a story about someone who was using very problematic fiction as a means to cope. Maybe my point is that we should just be a bit kinder to each other for what we’re all doing in this little bubble on the internet. 

When I was in high school, I had a friend who I used to be incredibly close to. We eventually had a huge falling out, largely because she was very depressed, in hindsight probably also had PTSD of some variety, had been sexually abused, and us both being teenagers, didn’t really know how to deal with any of that in a healthy way. She was a bit of a mess, and again, benefit of hindsight lets me see that a lot of it was her trying to figure it all out, and a cry for help. She drank a lot (again, we were only in high school), self-harmed, and one of the things that she shared with me, once, and only once because I rejected it entirely, was some really dark stuff that she wrote. 

I only saw this type of writing once, again, because I immediately went “what the hell is wrong with you”. Without going into detail, it involved sexual assault of a minor, torture, and death. Again, 15 year old me recoiled, rejected it as twisted, and she never showed me anything of the sort again. 20 something year old me looks back, and sees it as her trying to figure out the whys and whats of her past abuse. Me telling her it was wrong and twisted? Didn’t help that. It didn’t help because she already knew there was something wrong, she already knew she was deeply unhappy and hurting. And the only message I was sending to her was “don’t show any of it - if you do, you’re disgusting, you’re wrong”. 

It’s funny that it’s only really because of general age discourse that I had this epiphany. That if I didn’t see so many people who claim to be for survivors telling people to act in a way that went so far against someone in real life who I knew to be a survivor, I actually wouldn’t have realised what she had been doing all those years ago. How she had been crying out for help, for someone to listen. And when I did realise, it just made me even sadder that discourse is being used to alienate a lot of individuals who are already alienated. 

Some of us might only see this dark fic as coping thing in the abstract, or as something lighter. Like I use a lot of my writing to write out feelings of helplessness or anxiety - arguably far lighter topics than what my friend used to write about. So it is easy to dismiss. It is easy to recoil, and point at someone, and say “there is something deeply wrong with you”. 

Do I think that we need to take a certain level of responsibility, and take care and caution when writing about heavier topics, or fucked up themes? Yeah, I do. But I think that needs to come with an understanding that not everyone is at that point, or has that awareness, and generally, screaming abuse ... is very counter-productive. I’m in a fairly healthy part of my life, and I’m fairly clear-headed most of the time. I’m in a place where I can be critical about what I produce. Some people aren’t. 

Just as we ask people to be critical in their consumption of fiction, be critical in how you interact with the people creating it. People are not black and white. The internet is not made up of nasty monsters and beautiful angels. 

Also as a side note, I don’t condone abusing or bullying anyone over fiction anyway. If the entire horror genre is allowed to exist, then ... well. But the above is just thoughts. More my thoughts to keep track of, because it was really a (very late) revelation for me. And thoughts to just keep in mind to be kinder to each other. Please. 

Also, also, happy ending for my friend: I still don’t really talk to her very much, because there are still bits of her I don’t particularly like, but we do talk, and she’s lost a lot of the anger and fear that she had when she was younger. She has a partner who I think is good for her, because that mellowing out happened largely after they got together. She’s a lot less bitter at the world and generally more pleasant to talk to, and I think she’s a lot more peaceful. 

[maddiesbookshelves]

I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver (August 2020)

When Ben De Backer comes out to their parents as nonbinary, they're thrown out of their house and forced to move in with their estranged older sister, Hannah, and her husband, Thomas, whom Ben has never even met. Struggling with an anxiety disorder compounded by their parents' rejection, they come out only to Hannah, Thomas, and their therapist and try to keep a low profile in a new school.

But Ben's attempts to survive the last half of senior year unnoticed are thwarted when Nathan Allan, a funny and charismatic student, decides to take Ben under his wing. As Ben and Nathan's friendship grows, their feelings for each other begin to change, and what started as a disastrous turn of events looks like it might just be a chance to start a happier new life.

Would I recommend it to anyone? Yeeeeesssssssssss, I absolutely adored this book (at the time, it was actually a re-reading). A good queer romance with a main character who actually goes to therapy, as anyone who has lived what they have should. Anyways, I can't recommend this book enough.

Level of (dis)satisfaction based on the summary and my expectations? The first time I read it I didn't know what to expect, I had found this book on a Tumblr post about queer books so I thought I'd try and I ended up loving it.

My thoughts on it? It's a really beautiful story, the romance is so great (the p i n i n g), I wanted to protect Ben at all costs and Nathan is just an actual ray of sunshine. Ben has a complicated relationship with their sister, it's full of things left unsaid after 10 years of being apart with no contact. It's an interesting books on every level and I loved it.

French version under the cut

Quand Ben De Backer annonce à ses parents qu'iel est non-binaire, iel se fait mettre à la porte et est forcé.e d'emménager chez sa sœur Hannah, qu'il n'a pas vue depuis 10 ans, et son mari Thomas, qu'iel n'a jamais rencontré. En lutte contre un trouble de l'anxiété aggravé par la rejection de ses parents, Ben ne fait son coming-out qu'auprès de Hannah, Thomas et sa psy, et essaie de rester discret dans son nouveau lycée.

Cependant, les plans de Ben pour survivre la dernière partie de son année de Terminale volent en éclat lorsque Nathan Allan, un élève drôle et charismatique, décide de prendre Ben sous son aile. Alors que leur amitié grandi de jour en jour, leurs sentiments envers l'autre commencent à changer et ce qui avait commencé comme un désastre commence à ressembler à une seconde chance pour une nouvelle vie plus heureuse.

Est-ce que tu le conseillerais à quelqu’un ? Ouuuuuuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, j’aime énormément ce livre, en fait c’était une relecture. Thèmes LGBT avec une bonne romance, un personnage principal qui va voir un psy comme toute personne ayant vécu ce qu’iel a vécu devrait faire. Bref je recommande chaudement ce livre.

Niveau de déception/satisfaction par rapport au résumé et tes attentes ? La première fois que je l’ai lu je savais pas trop à quoi m’attendre, j’avais trouvé ce livre sur un post Tumblr sur des livres LGBT et je m’étais dit que j’allais essayer, et au final j’ai adoré.

Avis sans spoiler ? C’est vraiment une belle histoire, la romance est tellement soft (the pining), je voulais trop protéger Ben, Nathan est juste an actual ray of sunshine. La relation qu’a Ben avec sa sœur Hannah est complexe et chargée d'émotions refoulées, avec des retrouvailles inattendues 10 ans après que Hannah soit partie de la maison du jour au lendemain. Enfin bref, c’est vraiment un livre intéressant à tous les niveaux, je l’adore.

[professional-benaddict]

Masterpost

AO3 link, top works and prompts

ALL AO3 WORKS

Top five works (by kudos)

Little Patients - collab with Soph - Starkerstrange ageplay medical AU, completed 295k

Little Patients 2.0 - collab with @starkerplusstrange​ @sugarstark​ & Richie- Sequeal to Little Patients, ongoing 440k

Good Dom, Bad Sub - collab with Richie - Starker BDSM AU, on hiatus 102k

It All Goes Back To Bowlby - collab with Richie​ - Starker psychiatrist/patient AU, completed 352k

Learning Little Love - collab with @sugarstark​ - Starkerstrange ageplay au, on hiatus 32k

Prompts on Tumblr

Epilepsy - Slutty nurse - Mafia AU - T-shot - Amputation - Medical noncon - Patching up - Fake sick - Fem tease - Sugar Christmas - Mafia AU 2 - BDSM - BDSM 2 - Bully - 1938 AU - Firefighter AU - First kill - Hospital stay - Hospital stay ll part one and two - Puppy play - Puppy play 2 - Learning curve - Expensive pet - Medical experimentation - Heart defect - ER visit - Mute - Hypersexual - In Springtime - Drug raid - Drug raid ll - Red Heart, White Box - Running from cops - Mafia petplay - Doctor’s visits and doms - Mafia AU first kill -  Mafia café takeover - Mafia mtf Peter candy whore - Prince!Peter whump - A/B/O Heat clinic AU - Bath time - Resident doctor Peter x attending doctor Tony - Opposites attract part one part two part three - ER tummy ache - Ex military medic Peter - Inmate Tony and nurse Peter - Pokémon GO - Burnout - Plastic surgery - Pride medical tent - Omega Tony & Alpha Stephen part one part two - Chronically ill Tony - Irondad paramedic - Stephen’s dislocated shoulder one & two & three - 

Little!Peter

Repression - Facial tics - Blocks - Ticklish - Insomnia - Chubby - Tongue clicking - Double dinner date - Little Christmas - Headache - Bullies - Kitty adopting - Shower sex - Pool party - Asthma attack - Second Daddy - Masturbating - Epilepsy - Braces - Pneumonia - Eating disorder - Working late - Working late 2 - Depressive episode - Climbing ceilings - Narcolepsy - Leg braces - Autism - Narcolepsy playdate - Bathtime - Sick tantrum - Grumpy - Adoption center - Adoption center ll - Daddy’s shoes - Tourettes - Brain tumour - Almost kidnapping - Baking - Drunk - Asthma attack - Feline AU - Blowjob - Diaper change - Curse words - Chronic pain - Flu - ADHD - Gangbang - Tic attack - Narcolepsy picnic - ED diet - Oral fixation - Nightlights - Blood donation - ED - Accidents - AAC board - Uncle Happy - Mafia AU - Psych ward - Stuffed sinuses - Mean doctor visit - Babysitter Steve - Medicine side effects - Eye doctor - Forest walk - Burn - Thunderstorm - Lost and Found - Halloween costume - ‘NO!’ - Prosthetic leg - Lost inhaler - Orphan Peter - ADHD and cleaning - Medical orgasms - Therapy Little - First Post Adoption Cold - Anxiety attack - Coma and head injury - Double amputee - New Years Eve - Spanking - Cottage exploring - Ageplay discovery one - two - three - Doc!Tony & Psy!Stephen - Foster caregivers - Cigarettes and asthma - Tantrum (jae collab) - Mafia Little - Daddy post dentist appointment - Medical bills - Uncle and dentist Tony and part three - Self harm scars - Hotel stay - Daddies as paramedics and firefighters - Bear themed dinner set - ER nurse Bucky - Househusband and Daddy Tony - Depression - Asthma attack and part 2 - Distant - Disrupted routine - Psych hold - Separation anxiety - Skin picking disorder - Social masking - Sick cuddles - Ex foster caregivers - Covid scare - Triggering kisses - Scared of blood - Overwhelmed at daycare - Daddy’s panic attack - Unwanted kiss - Loki sick - Daddy mistake - Ocular migraines - Tummy ache - Drunk - Daddy burnout - Bestest friend - Puppy tantrum - Daddy in the army one & two - Hospital with Daddy - Low blood sugar - Painting nails - 

DDLB website AU: Livestream - Cock cage - Naughty - Safeword - Catheter - Edging - Recognised in public - 

Word + ship writing game: Round 1 / Round 2 

[marshmallowprotection]

I am so lost it’s not even funny

After finally menaging to get my mother to get me to see a psy, we went to the first seance this morning.

I’ve learned stuff I wasn’t aware of (like, I wasn’t actually wanted until she actually had me but I guess, okay, that J was S’s twin-sister and not my oldest sister’s, C, etc) and remembered stuff I forgot (I threatened suicide when I had problems with my genitor again during a week-end & actually tried because I was just that miserable, well you know the drill). I answer all the questions seriously, even questions like ‘how do you feel about school’ and stuff, EVEN in front of my mother which I never do because I legitimately feel scared at the idea of doing so given how she reacts to stuff, usually.

So like, that was useful. And my mother didn’t show any sign of being annoyed, or mad, or anything during the session. Which, was surprising, but okay. I’m willing to accept it.

Then we got out, and she was considerably colder. I asked her if she was okay, she said yes, then changed the subject. (I clearly saw that she wasn’t doing well, and we had a convo about the fact that we aren’t honest with each other, her being the first person to say that she isn’t honest with me because I’m not. Spoiler: I was honest during the session, she wasn’t with me afterwards. So like, fuck it I guess.)

Stuff goes okay afterwards though I was scared shitless in the caf, we come back home, there’s her boyfriend awake this time, so I feel safer. Because she’s the kind of people to never show others what happens with me and her when it’s negative (her insulting me, gaslighting me, you named it), so I knew that with him around I was safe. (Besides I had talked to him about how my mother was in those times, so he had some ideas of what happened. He even told me to not hesitate sending him a sign if my mother went batshit crazy at me again, so that’s a plus.)

Then the afternoon rolls by, she goes to horse-ride like she always does on this day, and when she comes back she’s still cold towards me and I now felt bad and unsafe again, because by then her boyfriend had went to work.

And you named it, she ask to talk with me, which I accept (while still being terribly scared by it). And she basically gets mad at me because I was honest in therapy session (saying I didn’t like school, that I missed my old friends, that even if my last school was shit I was still attached to it) and even used against me the fact that we’ve talked thursday and that ‘things seemed to be better.’ Better when there was still all the things she’s said and done to me those past years, as though a small conversation could make things ‘normal’ again (normal is a bad thing to say because with her normal is her being okayish most of the times and having bad crisis but I don’t have any other term).

She used against me the fact that I don’t trust her enough to say everything, and that there’s someone else I trust better. My best friend. He fucking saved me times and times again, when I tried to kill myself he’s the one who helped me not to do it, he always listens to me when I need it, he never tells me ‘but I’m not okay either you know!’ when I talk about how I feel, he’s the person I love the most on this entire world and she can’t stop criticizing him, always putting all the blame on him, saying that he’s the reason I’m how I am, that he’s a terrible influence on me, that he makes his parents’ life’s hell when they’re not the greatest persons either, calling him by his deadname. She fucking told me that I should just stop talking to him but I could never do that, he’s just the reason I’m not dead already and the fact that she’s like that about him makes me miserable. He’s such a wonderful guy I just can’t imagine a world where I wouldn’t be friends with him. We’ve had our couple downsides sure, but not only on his part, I was an asshole too and he never hated me for it.

And after she fucking left to the bathroom and when I followed her she just started to cry and kept blaming me. She compared me to someone else AGAIN, C, my oldest sister, by saying that she ‘didn’t want it to happen again’ after telling me that I had the right to be my own person with my own personality.

I don’t even look like her that much so who do I look like most? My fucking genitor, and she hates him. So does that mean she hates me too? Will I never be my own person? Will I forever be stuck in someone else’s shadow?

I feel like I’m hated and loved, hated because I look like him, loved because of J, as always, and this never ending combination of ‘I love you’ and ‘I hate you, you disgust me’ is just killing me. I don’t even know what I should feel towards myself, should I love, or hate myself? Should I just destroy that fucking body she hates so much? Why is she never satisfied with me?

I don’t even know how I should feel towards her anymore either. Does she love me? She’s put on hold years of her life to take care of me, gives me food and a bed, sends me to a private school. Does she hate me? I never feel like I’m enough for her, that I disgust her, that she feels annoyed at the idea of having to give things to me. Does she really means her ‘I love you’s’? Are the nicknames she gives me a real thing, or just a fucking make-believe shit?

I don’t even know what to do anymore

She said again that she would rather die because her place wasn’t here. It’s been 22 years since J’s death and she still thinks she would prefer going to a person I don’t even fucking know or care about rather than staying with me, so what does that mean? What does that mean for me?

She’s not even thinking about her boyfriend, my other sisters, no one. 22 years for fuck’s sake. And she’s still the most important thing in her life? Just fuck myself then I guess!

I’m genuinely not okay and I don’t know what to do anymore

TW: Depression, Self-Harm, Suicide 

I think the most important thing that you should know is that you’re a kid and it is not your job to fix anything. You don’t have to keep everything together. That’s not for you to do. The adult in your life and the people around you are the ones that are supposed to ensure that you are safe, warm, and okay, no matter what happens. You are not the one at fault. You never were. She’s the one that is at fault because she is blaming you for something that isn’t your fault out of her anger and grief. 

Sincerely, do not blame yourself here because you are not at fault. Do not harm yourself, either. It solves nothing, only hurts you, and pushes you into a very dark space that is hard to crawl out of without the right support system in your field to help you get by as you fight for yourself to feel better every single day because it can get better and you will feel better. It just takes time and finding the right people in your life. 

When you become an adult, you can leave and never look back at them or this relationship, you can build a new family of friends and so on and I swear to you that it will be better and it will feel better because it’s your choice. 

When it comes to your sister, she has a lot of her own problems that she needs to work on. That’s not your job. She has to do that. It’s not on you. That, even more, being said, I want you to know that your mother shouldn’t do that either, because she’s trying to manipulate you, shame you, and gaslight you with this. Do not apologize for being honest. You need to honest in therapy, and the more you are, the more help you can get. Honestly? Bring this up in therapy. If you feel in physical or emotional danger, your therapist can and will help you get out of this. 

There is no normal. Your mother just wants you to be quiet and let her do what she wants, no matter what that means. She wants to control you and use you as far as I can tell here, I’m merely guessing, but I know parents like this and this is a red flag. 

You are your own person. 

Even if your mother didn’t want you, don’t think that you shouldn’t be alive or have been born. You matter. Your existence matters. You have worth. I know it hurts, because parents are supposed to love you and care about you, and yes, this is going to be a long road for you, because learning that your parents are not holy being or inherently good takes time to unlearn. Once you realize that you’ve been abused or harmed, it takes years to accept and years to figure out what that means for you. Do you cut that person off forever? Do you accept an apology or do you try to work past it? 

It’s a personal choice, but my heart says that I would leave and not look back when I could. But, you’re still stuck in this spot for some time, even if you can get some help to get out. I sincerely implore you to talk more with the therapist and let them know what’s going on, find proof, record abuse if you can (check the recording laws, do you have a one party consent state or two party), screencap online logs, etc. 

Don’t hesitate to protect yourself. 

You don’t deserve to be mistreated or abused. Stay safe. Always remember that you are loved by your friends and even strangers! I care about you and I want you to be able to feel happy again, no matter what that takes. If you need any resources specifically for your state or area, I can try to help you find those, but the therapist can help you firsthand. 

If the emotional manipulation is this bad, it could get worse the more you try to get better for yourself. Take a deep breath. Believe in yourself. Know that you have strength. Never forget that you matter no matter what someone says about you. Your life is your own. You don’t owe them anything. Nothing. All you owe is yourself and your happiness. 

Stay strong. I’m always here. 

[elizabethsharmon]

It’s kind of unfair to say lola hasn’t learnt anything, no? She was doing really well before Thierry and her bio dad were absolute dickheads and triggered her

Hey there, I respectfully don’t agree. Thierry was a complete asshole and shouldn’t have hit her, that’s for sure, violence is never an answer and I’m in no way excusing him, but Lola just kept on going and attacking him so I don’t think the slap or what he said was what triggered her, something must’ve happened before and I wish we could see what exactly happened between Tuesday clip and Thursday morning one cause we saw two different Lolas in those clips. Her bio dad was a complete dick, that’s for sure. But honestly, there’s hardly any change in her behaviour. She gets better for a few clips, she’s nice and likeable, she’s trying, and then something happens off screen that triggers her and we’re back to square one and as far as we’re concerned who knows if she actually goes to therapy and her addictolog cause it hasn’t been mentioned for a few episodes and we saw her at psy office only once this season. She still falls into bad habits but instead of hooking up with random people she called Eliott instead because he makes her feel safe I guess, but she still snorted coke and got totally wasted and she would probably hook up with someone if he wasn’t there. And now on top of that she feels guilty for taking Eliott down with her, she lied to Maya and she’ll probably feel bad about that too, it’s literally an endless cycle of misery porn instead of showing the viewers that indeed it can get better long term but trying on your own isn’t enough when you don’t have healthy coping mechanisms and don’t reach out for help to professionals. It’s episode 9 and we’re back to square one but this time somehow it’s getting worse and worse and there won’t be enough time to properly solve it and show that she has learned from her past mistakes.

[weirdletter]

The Science of Monsters: The Truth about Zombies, Witches, Werewolves, Vampires, and Other Legendary Creatures, by Meg Hafdahl and Kelly Florence, Skyhorse Publishing, 2019. Cover design by Peter Donahue, info: skyhorsepublishing.com.

A must-have for any fan of horror and fantasy movies—Night of the Living Dead, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Shining (Stephen King), and so many more! If you love film that scares, and want to believe that zombies, vampires, and other deadly and terrifying creatures could be real, let Meg Hafdahl and Kelly Florence, the women behind the Horror Rewind podcast called “the best horror film podcast out there” by Film Daddy, take you to the world where horror and science meet. How would a zombie really decompose in Night of the Living Dead? Are there instances of shape shifting in nature like in The Wolf Man? What is the science behind the night terrors that inspired the creation of Freddy Krueger? Is there scientific data supporting ghost detection like the tools used in Poltergeist? What is the psychological drive that compels cannibals like Hannibal Lecter? How does modern medicine and therapy differ from what would have been offered to Norman Bates in 1960? How are subliminal messages related to propaganda or brainwashing like in The Ring? What would the scientific explanation be for witches possessing people like in Carrie? Was The Blair Witch Project based on any real or imagined creature that came before? And so much more! Gothic media moguls Meg Hafdahl and Kelly Florence revisit the films from their childhood to discover the science behind the fear. Join Kelly and Meg as they unravel the medical mysteries and scientific marvels that inspired the creation of famous monsters like Nosferatu, Norman Bates, Dracula, Frankenstein, and many more. An approachable and frightfully fun examination of what goes bump in the night, The Science of Monsters will thrill every horror fan.

Contents: Introduction     Section One: Slashers Chapter One: Hal­low­een Chapter Two: Child’s Play Chapter Three: A Night­mare on Elm Street     Section Two: Serial Killers Chapter Four: Psy­cho Chapter Five: The Tex­as Chainsaw Mas­sa­cre Chapter Six: The Silence of the Lambs     Section Three: Vampires Chapter Seven: Dracula Chapter Eight: Nosferatu Chapter Nine: Jennifer’s Body     Section Four: Reanimated Corpses Chapter Ten: Night of the Living Dead Chapter Eleven: Frankenstein Chapter Twelve: The Mum­my     Section Five: The Possessed Chapter Thirteen: The Exorcist Chapter Fourteen: The Tingler Chapter Fifteen: Get Out     Section Six: Deadly Animals Chapter Sixteen: Cujo Chapter Seven­teen: Arachnophobia Chapter Eighteen: The Birds     Section Seven: Ghosts Chapter Nineteen: Poltergeist Chapter Twenty: The Shining Chapter TwentyOne: The Ring     Section Eight: Ftom the Dephts Chapter TwentyTwo: Crea­ture from the Black La­goon Chapter TwentyThree: Jaws Chapter TwentyFour: Al­ien Chapter TwentySev­en: The Blair Witch Proj­ect     Section Ten: Creatures Chapter TwentyEight: The Descent Chapter TwentyNine: Trem­ors Chapter Thirty: The Wolf Man A Final Note Acknowledg­ments About the Authors Endnotes In­dex

[philippmichelreichold]

#review #scifi Space Infantry by Dave Drake et al

#review #scifi Space Infantry by Dave Drake et al

Space Infanty is a Military Science Fiction anthology edited by Drave Drake, Charles G. Waugh and Martin Greenberg. It contains stories by a dozen authors spanning 3 decades. In order of appearance they are:

"The Rocketeers Have Shaggy Ears," by Keith Bennett; "His Truth Goes Marching On," by Jerry Pournelle; "But as a Soldier, For His Country," by Stephen Goldin; " Soldier Boy," by Michael Shaara; "Code-Name Feirefitz," by David Drake; "The Foxholes of Mars," by Fritz Lieber;

"Conqueror," by Larry Eisenberg; "Warrior," by Gordon R. Dickson; "Message to an Alien," by Keith Laumer;

". . . Not a Prison Make," by Joseph P. Martino; "The Hero," by George R. R. Martin, and "End Game," by Joe Haldeman.

Of the lot, Joe Haldeman, Gordon R. Dickson, Jerry Pournelle and Fritz Leiber are Hugo Award winners, though not for these stories. Mr. Drake and Mr. Haldeman served in Viet Nam. Their experiences color and inform their stories. Mr. Drake once said that his Hammers Slammers stories were partly therapy. Though clumped together as "Space Infantry," these stories run a wide gamut in attitude and outlook, and they need not strictly speaking be about Infantryman at all. Anyone simply seeking simple action adventure, bang-bang-your-dead, stories may be disappointed. There is so much more here than that. Anyone looking for high quality writing should read these stories. They stand out as excellent severally and separately. The book is essential to anyone with more than a superficial interest in Military Science Fiction-- especially anyone interested in the crafting or the history of Military Sci Fi.

The Rocketeers Have Shaggy Ears Mr. Bennett's story is not so much about ground sloggers as downed rocketeers who get the job done regardless of any obstacles and who coincidentally save their corps from absorption or disbandment. The basis for the title, according to Drake, is a song-- "The Mountaineeers Have Hairy Ears," whose lyrics I'll not reproduce here, and which carries the same emotional load of the Viet Nam Era, "don't mean nothin" in the context of having just had one's eye shot out. Mr. Drake was half a generation removed from Rocketeers, as I am from Drake's Slammers. In the context of today's milieu, the story is shockingly militaristic and imperialistic, much reflective of the attitude of the times in which it was written, 1950. No consideration is given to the real estate and no quarter to the natives. AS I said, the these admitted "Sons of bi-- er, Space" get the job done. There is of course a problem with some stories written in the 1950's. The idiom is changed. Readers of today may find it difficult to relate to.

His Truth Goes Marching On Dr. Pounelle is a Politcal Scientist and this story is as much a poli-sci treatise as it is a work of military science fiction. It is of course set in the Falkenberg's Legion universe before the collapse of the Co-Dominion and the ascension of Lysander to the Spartan throne, just prior to Ace Barton and Peter Owensford signing up with Colonel Falkenberg. Don't get me wrong, there's enough army life and gun play and slogging through mud for anyone's taste. There's also betrayal and a nuke.The story is well worth the read for anyone with a brain. But you won't know the truth till you read that last couple of paragraphs.

But as a Soldier, For His Country, Quoth the author, "It's a young man's story, venting frustration at the futility and lunacy of war." It grew into the novel, The Eternity Brigade. I'm one of those people made uncomfortable by this story. But guess what-- the purpose of good writing is not to make the reader feel good. Imagine the sheer unpleasantness and daily grind of war. Then imagine the worst parts. Imagine dying in battle. Then imagine being resurrected and even copied countless times for an age, till finally you meet yourself in battle. A well wriiten reductio ad absurdum.

Soldier Boy Michael Shaara won the Pulitzer Prize for The Killer Angels, a novel about the Battle of Gettysburg. "Soldier Boy" was also made into a novel; it tells the story of the lone soldier, at a number of disadvantages, that must come to grips with a superior opponent through his native intelligence and leadership skills. It's a well crafted story about a young man coming into his own. The antagonistis remarkable. Code-Name Feirefitz Despite being in law school, David Drake was drafted to serve in Viet Nam. He eventually became a member of a Battalion Information Center with the 11th Armored Cavalry Regiment. His experiences there form the basis of his Hammer's Slammers stories. The prime movers in "Code Name Feirefitz" are not the highly capable Captain Esa Mboya or his Golf Company Slammers, but two civilans. Their conflict is key to Mboya's own conflict between duty and conscience. The story contrasts the grittiness and hardness of the soldiers as they set about doing their duty with the composure and quiet persistence of Esa's brother Juma as he does his. Their dedication contrasts with the desperate selfishness of ben Khedda as he seeks to sacrifice anyone to survive. The faith of Jooma plays against that of the Kaid who will risk anything to save his people, and both stand out against the faithlessness of ben Khedda.

The Foxholes of Mars Fritz Leiber has won numerous awards-- one of the great masters of Science Fiction. Leiber's opening imagery and setting creation is masterful. Leiber's prose is deep and lush with layers of meaning. War is just the setting for a deep and not terrible pleasnt look deep into a man's soul-- the soul of a budding demagouge. I find no indication that this story won Hugo or Nebula. It should have. It's shocking that an anthology containing this story should be available for a penny. This story in and of itsself is priceless.

Conqueror Eisenber crafts his story well, creating a believable setting and a sympathetic protangonis in a story that starts out being a story about the lone foot slogger a long way from home and in need of human contact, validation of his own humanity. Ends up as a story about successful psy-ops and asymmetric warfare against an occupying force.

Warrior The first Gordon Dickson I read was the short story "Soldier Ask Not" in The Hugo Winners. Warrior is a side piece to his Childe Cycle stories, about the Dorsai general Ian Graeme. It is included in the anthology Lost Dorsai.

Though the action of the story takes place far from the battlefields of the Splinter worlds, it is full of strategy, including the principle of calculated risk, and tactics. (Including Tactics of Mistake-- this is a Graeme we're talking about.) It portrays Graeme as the Dorsai archetype-- not only the consummate soldier, but a man who would cross all of Hell and half of New York City to pay a debt for good or ill. And all the more so to exact justice forhis soldiers. Dickson's prose can be a little pompous and overbearing-- his treatment of villains a little dismissive, mere stick figures lacking depth. But then he wants Graeme to be overpowering-- to his advesaries, to the helpless bystander cops, and to the reader.

Message to an Alien Keith Laumer is a Nebula Award writer who is porbably undervalued today. His Retief stories are based on his experiecnes as a military attache in Burma. His Bolo stories were part of the inspiration for Drake's Slammers. This story is about the lone and disgraced soldier who was turned out for being righter than his superiorsthe civillian authorities could ever admit. He acts alone again and totally without anyone else's support to nip an invasion in the bud and stop a war. Laumer's disdain those with authority but lacking the sense to use it shows through. Dalton's mastery of the situation, the authoirites, and of the invaders is a pleasure to read.

. . . Not a Prison Make Martino's novelette is based on the unique premise of guerilla warfare carried out by low technology aborigines. He builds the story thoroughly, exploring the occupying forces attempts to mount an affect defence. The key is to force to the negotiating table people who have no interest in negotiations. The solution is unique to he situation, and the resolution acceptable to all. The Hero The United States has reached the point in its decadence/decay where it is sometimes more convenient to ignore its veterans and treat them with disdain then to give them the consideration and rewards they deserve. And so it is in "The Hero." Kagan serves honorably and well. When his term of enlistment is up, he demands his desserts, and his superiors balk. Can't conceive of him going to Earth. George R. R. Martin uses overstatement to drive home his point, contrasting the soldier with his bosses. In the end, it's clear that they are as dishonorable as he is honorable, as undeserving of his service as anyone could be.

End Game Joe Haldeman won an award for The Forever War. In the End Game, we find out what it was all for. Time has past. A lot of time has past, and Man is more like the Taurans than veterans like Marygay and William. There's a place for people like them called Middle Finger, heh heh. Anyone familiar with The Forever War knows Haldeman is a great writer, that he despises the stupidity and waste of war, and that he makes his case very well.

Image cover art under fair use for the review. Contact publisher for reuse.

My text creative commons 4.0

[whimsicalmeerkat]

Writing Plans - December 2023

Current Active WIPs: December 2023

whiskey on the rocks & adderall (Teen Wolf - bamf Stiles goes to college)

wash off all this blame (Teen Wolf - Derek forces Stiles to go to the beach and discuss things like the benefits of therapy)

won’t you take me from this valley (Sterek Regency time travel nonsense)

a time to mourn and a time to hope (Steterek dead Stiles)

untitled Stackson friendship movie fix it (the Teen Wolf movie was a travesty)

Trading Up (Sterek smooth Derek meet cute)

Small Fandoms Big Bang fic

Sterek moon gave me permission recursive murder husbands

Daemon Sadi & Maleficent fight crack fic

New Fics Planned for Near Future

Yuletide exchange fic (due 12/18)

WIPs to Get Back To

devil don’t take a break (Teen Wolf - demon Stiles bad friend Scott season one rewrite)

Aspirational Languishing WIP List

untitled Kaleb/Judd fic (Psy-Changeling - allies to friends to lovers)

gonna tell my friends to all join in, going to tell them all to come (Men’s Hockey RPF - Hertl incubus fic)

untitled Regency fic of doom (Men’s Hockey RPF - Thornton/Burns primary with additional side couples and some OCs)

goalie birthday fics (possibly triple drabbles?)

untitled magic returns AU (Black Jewels - modern AU where magic comes back, only it’s no longer tied to gender)

it kind of vanishes away (Teen Wolf - Chris/Derek fraught fuck buddies)

untitled Chris has amnesia fic (Teen Wolf - what it says on the tin)

say that you belong to me (formerly Jukebox exchange fic)

untitled soulmates enemies to lovers (The Hollows - Trent’s keeping important information from Rachel, which will work out poorly for him)

pain that leaves permanent marks (Black Jewels - trauma processing)

Don’t Challenge the Ruthless (The Hollows - Rachel gets a little too comfortable around Trent)

We’re Dark Like Fen in a Storm at Night exchange fic #2 (defaulted)

[stacylaughs]

Bye, Korea

I taught English in Busan, Korea for a year, ending June 2011. I remember the dread I felt flying to Portland then. I left Portland again and returned to Korea February 2013. I felt like I was home. Since then, I’ve quit teaching and I’ve been working remotely for almost four years. When I flew back to Portland in August 2017, without any intention of coming back to South Korea, butterflies (different from before) filled my stomach.

I love Korea and it’s been a great experience living there. I love learning more about where I come from and improving on the language. I also know in my heart that I’m American and that I want to create my home in the U.S.

For the last month in Korea, I walked around as if in a trance. I can’t believe how much time has passed and how much life has changed. I miss singing along with my appliances (i.e. rice cooker and washing machine) and waking up with tinfoil in my bed because I fell asleep eating kimbap. 

I feel nostalgic for a time, as well as places, which is an overwhelming feeling. It’s scary to think of returning to Korea, and think of the last time I left, as if no time had passed at all. Time goes fast, life is short, and the impermanence of things is hitting me harder than it ever has.

I did SO much in Korea, met amazing people, ate all the things, and had amazing experiences. But, still, I know I can’t do everything I wanted to do or do things again. There are so many places to go in this world, but maybe I’ll be back. Because I obsessively make lists, here’s a list of places I wanted to experience but didn’t make the time for:

Andong Traditional Folk Village - Rural Korea is a sharp contrast from the fast-paced neon and concrete cityscapes. I never went to the mask festival at the end of September and beginning of October each year. Apparently this is the town for some awesome chicken, as well.

Anyang Art Park (안양예술공원) - This a cool park in Anyang City that's free and a photo dream. You can get off at Anyang Station (Line 1) and take bus number 2 to the park. It's a very large place and it might be a bit confusing, but so many photo worthy spots. Definitely wear walking shoes and bring water in this heat! 

Beopgi basin - Nestled in the mountains just 45 minutes north of Busan. Renting a car and visiting Hongryong Falls (홍룡폭포) would be a great way to spend a day.

Beopjusa temple stay - Literally “Mountain Removed from Worldliness,” Songnisan is where the 7th-century Buddhist Beopjusa temple is still located. It has the largest buddha in Korea. 

Bukchon Village - I’ve been here before but really wanted to visit this picturesque neighborhood again. It’s flanked by two palaces —Gyeongbok Palace to the west and Changdeok Palace to the east— this village has the largest cluster of privately owned traditional Korean wooden homes or hanok in Seoul. The easiest way to get to Bukchon in Seoul is to go out Anguk Station (subway line 3) Exit 3.

Cheongdo - I probably couldn’t stomach the bull fights but I always wanted to see the Wine Tunnel (와인 터널).

I really wanted to go to Chuncheon/Gapyeong again just to eat the Dak Galbi (닭갈비). I could eat dalkkalbi every day, and it really is the best where it was invented. The two best places are “Tong Na Mu Jip” and “1.5.″

I’ve been to Geoje several times, but, yeah, I want to go again. I’d love to hike up Mt. Daegumsan, take a short boat ride to Oedo Island, and ride the zipline at Deokpo Beach.

I visited my friend Anne in Suwon when she was teaching a camp there, but I didn’t have the time to explore the Hwaseong Fortress (수원 화성) or Toilet Museum.

Jeonju - I’d like to try the bibimbap and visit the Hanok Village (전주 한옥마을). 

Jirisan - What a shame that I never made it to the top of this mountain. I’ll always cherish the lovely trips I’ve had out there and only wish I could have spent more time there.

Kimchi Museum - I walked by this place so many times in Insadong but never went. Where else in the world will you be able to go to a museum solely dedicated to the Korean staple, kimchi? Kimchi, or seasoned fermented vegetables, is at the heart of Korean culture and its food and is usually eaten with every meal. There are 187 different documented types, ranging from kimchi of different ripeness levels to water kimchi, cucumber kimchi, and radish kimchi varieties. In addition, it is not uncommon for Korean households to have refrigerators solely dedicated for the storage of kimchi. At the museum, you can taste 7-8 different types of kimchi, view bacteria found in kimchi under a microscope, and even learn how to make kimchi in the education room. 

Oh, to see Kyeongju again. Korea used to be divided into three major kingdoms (Silla, Baekje, and Goguryeo) until the Silla kingdom conquered the other kingdoms and made Gyeongju the capital. Gyeongju remained the capital of this region for approximately 1000 years, leading to the creation of a number of archaeological treasures that are well worth your time.

On several visits to Seoul, I missed out visiting a Hanbok Cafe in Insadong or the Princess Diary Cafe outside Exit 3 of the Ehwa Women’s University subway station. These dress cafes give you the opportunity to wear a Korean traditional dress or wedding dress at rental prices of 15,000₩ ~ 40,000₩ an hour. 

The Robo Life Museum in Pohang does require a reservation but looks pretty awesome. Some are miniature robots programmed to be Psy back up dancers, some are robotic fish that swim, and some are robotic seals designed for therapy. 

Seonyudo sits off the west coast of the peninsula, 90 minutes from Gunsan by boat.

Seoraksan again. It was so lovely in the fall --but I see endless beauty in every season.

Seoul Fortress Trail, the Naksan section covers an enjoyable scenic route from Hansung University Station and the Hyehwa Gate traveling south alongside Naksan Park and Ihwa Mural Village until you arrive in the crowded, neon streets of Dongdaemun with the landmark Dongdaemun Gate at the foot of the pathway. The route itself doesn’t take too long to cover with sunset a recommended time to visit so as to enjoy the spectacular views across the city at their finest. Accessible from Hansung University Station, Seoul Subway Line 4 Exit 4.

Seoul Palaces - There are a lot of them (e.g. Gyeonghui Palace. Deoksugung, Changdeokgung, Changgyeonggung, Gyeongbokgung) and many are near each other. I always planned to see them all but ultimately got a distracted or bored. 

Seoul Forest - This park was opened in 2005 and features absolute beauty. It’s a bit of a trip from downtown Seoul, but I’ve heard it has five connected parks and it’s possible to see deer Located outside Seoul Forest Station (Subway Bundang Line) Exit 3. 

Ujeon Beach in “Slow City”

Controversy aside, I wanna see Ulleungdo + Dokdo.

Uponeup (우포늪) is the largest and oldest wetland area in Korea, a protected area that dates back to times when dinosaurs ruled the world. A favouite with Korean photographers due to the unspoiled setting and views that the wetlands offer up, it sounds like a romantic weekend.

Yeosu is a port city on South Korea’s East China Sea coast. I haven’t researched what to do there but I’ve always wanted to visit.

I don’t know much about the city of Yulpo but when my friend Allison went, she couldn’t wait to share: “I just spent three days there and visited the big tea plantation ten minutes away (TWICE!). It's a tiny farm village next to an empty beach. And there is a green tea spa on the beach. It was heaven.”

Alright, Korea, maybe next time.

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

HI HOW DO YOU WRITE CHARACTERS

hewwo! i can answer this! im literally gonna do a quick list of both deh and bmc characters for u under this readmore! :D

im gonna start with deh because smaller cast!

evan: 

isn’t so much stuttery as he tends to repeat things and uh stammer a bit here and there. stutters over his words sometimes but it’s more l-like this and uh, like… like this

evan hansen has anxiety. he is not anxiety. evan hansen fucks up and makes mistakes and probably internalizes a lot of things. very polite when in public but he can be a bit snappy (as seen w evans comment abt how zoe’s parents have never been poor i believe? it was something he said to zoe)

soft spoken, most of the time. probably not the kind of guy to vocally ask for things until he’s at a comfortable enough point that he feels like he’s not bothering you (same buddy)

i see evan as someone who gets frustrated with himself easily. not as a sense of “god i wish i were normal” but more of a “i should be able to do this, why cant i do this, i want to do this but i cant” because sometimes it’s just a matter of i literally cant do this and i dont know why? and god its so frustrating sometimes

jared:

jared kleinman is a fucking asshole and he knows it. very sarcastic and uses it to cover up his own insecurities, probably the kind of dude who laughs in your face when you tell him off when internally he’s just OH FUCK OH SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK

a lot of ppl write jared as being insecure abt his weight and tbh i don’t see that being a problem for him? i see jared as being insecure abt the fact he comes off very snarky and assholeish but he turns it around and tries to own it even though… that’s not something you want to be proud of? and he knows that

not the kind of dude who stops to assess his feelings. he powers through shit and insists he’s okay until he’s out of steam. i think it was psy who said he’s a “needs therapy boi” and tbh she’s right? 

can be very passive aggressive imo it’s something he really needs to work on.

arrogant, sarcastic, and just a big fucking dick who needs to learn how to watch his mouth.

zoe:

not an pure baby angel, by any means. we’re at a disadvantage because we only see zoe when she’s sort of grieving (because grief can and will come in different ways, and while i see her as not missing connor, i do think that her pushing away her feelings is a form of her grieving imo? it’s a weird thing to explain but there’s a part of zoe that does miss (the old) connor’s presence as w the fake emails evan “gave her her brother back” (albeit a very fake version of connor) and sort of standoffish when it comes to the subject of connor

a bit of an ambivert. extremely outgoing when she’s around her friends or when it comes to music and other things she loves.

very individualistic! her style tends to have doodles on her clothes, she dyes her hair a lot, she probably would be the kind of person to make her own jewelry!

very sweet. the castng call for zoe describes her as being the kind of person who learns the names of the kids who sit alone at lunch and thats she goes out of her way to be nice to people since. connor. yeah.

thats all ive got for zoe but u can always send questions in and i can say yes or no after i ask my pals too

alana:

smart gal! valedictorian! president! i love her! tends to overshare a bit. anxiety + depression gal.

probably into gardening tbh? i can see alana having succulents in her room and maybe a dog that just chills with her.

dont be afraid to make alana mouthy. alana is someone whos extremely headstrong in her actions imo and does what she believes is right, even if others dont believe that. like… think about the fact that she literally published what was believed to be connor’s suicide note because she thought it’d get them the last bit of help they needed for the orchard. it literally fucked the murphys over - but she never considered that?

very much an extrovert. just really wants to belong, man. very optimistic on the surface but i can see her being a little less so underneath. she looks on the bright side because if she doesnt, she doesnt know who will and idk i dont think alana’s the kind of person who just... lets that risk be there.

connor:

we dont kno much abt connor in canon but uhhh…. i can see connor as being a loner, sort of aggressive by accident (tbh this dude’s probably used to people being a dick to him so he’s just sorta standoffish in response) but like… whenever i write connor i usually write him as getting better? he’s gotten the help he needs and he’s doin better 

artsy depressed dude. poetry, painting, ect - whatever u want tbh. i just see connor, with help, finding himself in art or something creative (theatre and music included! u do u!)

very much a reader. this dude both has a lot of books on his bookshelf and a lot more books he hasnt fucking read because hes terrible at reading new books. (i personally hc he loves all of poe’s work)

to sorta sum connor up: bold, but not outgoing. caring, but not obvious with it (once he gets help btw). easily angered but sometimes he just doesn’t fucking know why and that frustrates him further. troubled.

honestly if u want to see one of my fave connors - check out @ask-sincerely-memes​! i rly love how they portray all three of the boys, but connor is by far my favorite! (mod con and/or mod ev if u read this i love u)

OK ONTO THE BMC FUCKERS if you want to kno abt the adults for either show then feel free to ask

jeremy:

anxiety boy, but not evan hansen level of anxiety. more just… self deprecating, not super confident in himself, probably underestimates himself a lot.

jeremys hard to explain sometimes because a lot of his actions and dialogue comes naturally since i can actually relate to jeremy a lot, personality-wise? a really good fact to throw out there is i don’t think jeremy’s the kind of guy who just goes for stuff sometimes. he has to sorta be hyped up by others imo. michael motivated him to sign up for the play, rich and michael both played parts in getting him squipped (michael in the aspect of “lets check this out and see if its legit” bc i doubt jeremy would have genuinely done that on his own).

which really means jeremy isnt the kind of guy to just… confess things, unless it’s built up enough (i.e. jeremys confrontation w reader in unlonely since it was a conversation he’d been thinking about for a bit). in canon, he didnt really… confess to christine without the help of alcohol (at the halloween party) or without other people building him up (voices in my head). 

im literally rereading jeremy fics rn because im trying to come up with a good way of describing him

extremely horny teenage boy. hormones suck. for anyone who writes nsfw: i dont see jeremy being incredibly kinky and sexual and dominant (god forbid) his first fucking time having sex. especially if its both him and the readers first time. sex can be clumsy. you can laugh during sex. but also sex smells. like… once you’ve smelled it, you fucking know it - its just a weird combo of sweat and bodily fluids. 

that last part was just a PSA for ppl.

lightweight boy. a lot bolder when drunk. thank you.

honestly if u have any questions abt jeremy, i can try to answer them more specifically but this is as general as i can get.

michael

not an uwu anxious depressed innocent baby boy uwu. remember that michael literally withheld the mtn dew red from jeremy because he wanted an apology. remember that michael wouldnt have been squipped because michael had been completely comfortable with who he is. michael likes his place. he doesn’t want to be cool and popular - he likes who he is. michael in the bathroom was a peak moment of michael finally letting go of emotions he’d been withholding - jeremy calling him a “loser” was the final straw that broke him. thank u this has been a psa.

a goofy boy. probably snorts when he laughs and im not projecting there what are you talking about-

okay, canonically: likes video games, likes retro shit (probably the kind of nerd who LIVES for arcades and record stores and vintage clothing stores even if he doesnt mix that into his personal style), very into music. there’s a lot you can do with this! 

imo he’s very caring? like. okay, yes he did withhold mtn dew red from jeremy - but michael still went through the trouble of finding and obtaining that in order to deactivate the squip. i think michael’s a fairly understanding dude, even if he has moments of anger.

just a very warm person. probably the kind of person who stops and makes sure people are okay when he notices they’re upset.

sometimes impulsive. sometimes very restless, imo. bouncy boy. 

like w jeremy - you can absolutely send me questions abt michael (or anyone tbh!) and i’ll answer them the best i can! im by no means an expert but ive got pals i can bother in order to help get a solid answer :3

christine

chriiistiiiiiiiiine, the love of my life. a gal w ADD! please don’t forget that! i personally hc that she got into a theatre as a way of like… sort of getting energy out since she’s fairly restless??? track girl christine….. also good

loves herself a lot tbh! like. in the show, its canon that she has stuff to figure out but i personally think christine loves herself and her body and is proud of who she is?

very friendly, very open, very passionate abt theatre! these are basic facts lmao

very sweet! very smart! she’s like... The Girl in all the movies that everyones like “oh no i love her” bc shes just a bubbly gal

writing christine is really hard to describe sometimes. like with all the characters, i write what feels right and sounds right to me and to others.

but like... to be honest, as long as you stay a bit happy and supportive and loving with christine - you’re on the right track.

jake

god - one of my favorite boys to write sometimes because there’s a lot to do with jake’s character

he’s the ultimate cool dude in high school. probably the kind of dude who would join a frat in college. handsome, popular, flirtatious - you fucking name it man.

sorta effortlessly popular and cool. there’s problems underneath - considering his family - but it’s hard to see that he has flaws when everything just comes so easily to him.

a very caring and sweet dude tbh. his friends mean a lot to him and he’s the kind of boy who carries your books and asks where you’re going and how you’re doing

he makes mistakes. he gets aggressive and protective and just angry physically - he did try to attack jeremy, albeit drunk, based purely on the idea that jeremy was having sex w chloe - so like... that’s a good thing to acknowledge

i said hes flirtatious and he is - without realizing it. someone probably has called him out on it and he’s like “sorry what?” bc he was caught up in talking to someone and not realizing that the dillinger charm never went off. because it never goes off. rip.

rich

GOD, my FAVORITE BOY, the LOVE OF MY LIFE, i love him.

squipped: aggressive. a bully. stinky. 0/10.

post-squipcident: getting better. sorta numb at first before happy, outgoing rich resurfaces because He’s Fine! Do Not Worry! but y’know like... he definitely has a lot of problems with what he did and who he was while he had the squip

a bit sensitive imo. easily upset on certain topics, easily angered on others. really misses his mom (i hc she died and his dad took up drinking as a coping mechanism and its mainly rich and his older brother relying on each other but thats just me tbh.)

rich is tricky to write when it comes to his home life. while i see rich’s dad as being a loud drunk, others see him as being physically abusive and so forth and - okay, that’s your decision, but please make sure you’re being respectful and you post trigger warnings because some people are in abusive homes and it’s not a fun thing to read. 

great sense of humor imo. flirtatious but in the more obvious “haha hey lets bone ;)” way. alternatively: flirtatious with squip, floundering a bit without it because all he knows is “haha hey wanna fuck” 

would probably fight a dick for his pals. rly just loves his friends even if he doesn’t show it.

chloe

chloe is a bit hard to write without saying “shes kind of a bitch” but like... she is and she knows it and she fucking owns it.

casting call: “ confident, crass, sexy, manipulative, and downright mean at times”

so like. she’s nowhere near bein a sweet angel baby uwu

has problems. explore them. she literally was down to fuck brooke’s boyfriend since jeremy was dating brooke yknow. part of it could be alcohol but like... dont ignore that fact. like. she probs needs to talk to both brooke and jeremy.

i think of chloe as someone who can see the potential in others tbh. gets slightly annoyed when people arent achieving what they could - but i like to imagine she gets it after a while since some ppl dont have confidence and such. 

yknow the kind of people that take charge when the situation calls for it? that’s chloe. she’s very much a leader. cunning, ambitious - she’s fucking ready.

brooke

more of an angel i guess? sweet, a bit insecure, and a little more caring. not very dominant in situations - tends to be more of a follower (as shown w her and chloe’s friendship)

very caring actually. she literally followed jeremy out and said “uhhh he was kind of a dick to women but i know u like eminem” upon his death in the show??? like??? she literally went to check on this boy.

imo she sorta needs to learn to be bolder. to not take shit. shes probably the kind of person who says yes to a lot of things even if they’re conflicting bc she doesn’t want to like... bother someone and make things worse

emotional, imo. fairly feminine.

its hard to keep describing sdfkjhds sorry

jenna

not popular. remember that she wanted people to be interested in her, which is why she gossips a lot

probably tends to overhear half of the gossip. other than that, i can see her easily finding shit out bc she has eyes Everywhere

bold, fairly extroverted, probably really fucking smart tbh. give her love. she deserves it.

thats both at me and everyone else. jenna rolan ily...

very much a big sister figure, post-squipcident. theres this kdrama i was watching where the main protag lives w a couple other girls and one of the oldest one of the bunch is very much a big sister figure that will call other people out on their bullshit because she knows protag isnt the kind of person to do that? thats jenna. and chloe, but mostly jenna.

probably the kind of person who wants to be helpful imo. she likes feeling useful.

[psyraah]

On discourse, and always (ALWAYS) managing to choose the problematic ship

I been doing like. A lot of thinking about various topics, and sorting through my psyche on various things. I figured out that I got some mental health and self-esteem crap going on since last year, and I’ve been working with it. But progress is slow and non-linear, and sometimes things I’ve learnt I...forget. Much like at uni!! So I want to start writing some of these things down to not only remind myself of conclusions and thoughts I’ve come up with, but also maybe to help others think and be more at peace with who they are. 

I don’t normally do discourse stuff. I prefer to focus on the good, and on being a positive force in the community around me. But this is both a bit of that, and will discuss discourse stuff, and it’ll probably be the only time I discuss it at any great length. Under a cut because well. Probably gonna be a long one (Psy, you could spend this time writing instead...)

An/ti behaviour makes me uncomfortable. Like, I’ve gone through all the logical, rational arguments in my head, discussed it with many, many people I trust to be socially responsible and morally good, and come to the conclusion that no, my ships aren’t causing the world to burn. I’m not here to discuss that, because others have done so far more eloquently that I can, and that’s all reblogged in my discourse tag. But for a while now I haven’t been able to shake the, well, shaky feeling I get whenever I’m even reminded of the mere thought of ant/is. I am not someone who is driven by conflict or disagreement, so even the mere thought of someone, anyone, let alone a chunk of people, thinking that I was evil and gross got to me. I’ve been going to therapy, so in the past few months I have been actively trying to figure out why things make me uncomfortable, and how to deal with that discomfort. Part of that is using positive thoughts to counter negative thoughts, in a nutshell, or challenging thoughts to knock the negative down. 

And the one that I’ve been using, my weapon against this constant barrage of ‘you’re gross, you’re a horrible person’, is that what others think of you is not who you are. And that is something that I have to remind myself of constantly. What others think of you is not who you are. I am a smart, self-aware, compassionate individual. I can assess my behaviours, and consider the logical arguments, even if I don’t believe them entirely. I can lean on people I trust to be honest with me, and trust their assessment too. What other people think of me is not me. These internet strangers don’t know me; they’ve never talked to me. They’ve taken one facet of my life--one thing only, out of so many parts of me--and made a judgment call. 

And that’s not on me. I have so many more people around me who actually know me. Who know my life, who know what I do. I have you guys, and you (hopefully) think I’m doing okay. So all that--that’s not on me. I do one thing and I’m labelled as evil? That’s not on me. They don’t know me, and what they think isn’t who I am. That’s what I keep reminding myself. 

THE END because as always, I don’t know how to write endings. 

[melancholytimes]

I just finished watching a show called G*psy (don't know why they needed to name it a slur, it has nothing to do with it)

It's from 2017. It only got one season. I watched it cos I was promised wlw rep and that's what I want. I hated most of this show. It was bad and painful to watch. I struggled through all 10 eps and debated several times stopping it.

Well, I have a lot of thoughts so they'll be below spoilers (duh).

Ok first things first I must say I HATE JEAN

So Jean is a therapist o she is a bad one. She gets involved in the lives of her patients. Which is definitely against some rules. Jean has a husband named Michael and a kid named Dolly. They live in Connecticut but both work in NYC.

Michael is a good and regular man. Yes, he does get a little involved with his assistant but not completely physically and he's not the bad guy here its Jean.

Dolly is 9 year old "girl". Dolly expresses herself more on the masculine side, like she wants short hair and to wear "boys" clothes. This seems to make Jean uncomfortable a bit and I think that comes from her mother but she is trying to navigate it. Dolly might be gay or trans who knows she's 9 and just chillin for now.

Now on to jean. Jean is a BAD person. She is a liar and manipulative. She's a therapist like I said but she uses this alternate identity Dianne Hart. Dianne is a single writer that lives in the city alone. Jean used dianne to meet the people her clients are talking about. One clients daughter even befriended her. She met another clients ex-girlfriend and STARTED DATING HER. This is where the wow relationship comes in. Now before I start on what Jean does in the relationship with the girl named Sydney (which was gaslight and lie) I must talk about the representation this show gave wlw people.

So it's clear that Jean and Sydney are both bisexual women. At one point it even sounded like Sydney called herself bisexual but the actress has an accent but the subtitles said "my sexuality" so idk. But yes anyways I'm still new to the wlw content (cos I avoided it for so long) but I'm already tired of bisexual women cheating on their husbands. It's exhausting. Jean is portrayed as noncommital and its expressed that she had cold feet in her relationship with her husband. she keeps secrets and lies in her job. no, i’m not saying that lgbtq+ characters are supposed to be shinging star characters but having Jean also be bisexual as well as a cheater and liar is awful representation of bisexual people.

Anyways, Jean has a patient Sam that is the ex is sydney and I guess to “help” him she goes to meet sydney and their affair begins but the whole time because Jean has the bias from Sam she questions Sydney and is lowkey mean to her. I kind of feel bad for sydney, she thinks shes met this nice older woman in Dianne but she just gets lied to and questioned.

Jean has another patient Allison that is a drug addict and arguable Jean does her the most dirty because she doesn’t even do her job by helping her. she lies in her therapy notes that allison is doing way better than she actually is. she crosses boundaries and has her move into a spare apartment and then allison goes missing and she doesn’t tell anyone. when the police come looking for allison JEAN LIES TO THEM. like ACAB but jean deserves some sort of jail. to lose her license for sure. i was just watching the show screaming at all the poor choices she was making.

i just looked and realized Sydney is spelt Sidney, i’m not going back to change it

anyways on to michaels assistant Alexis. she is literally the only black woman in the cast and she sucks. shes a pretty, intelligent, ambitious person. however, she was trying to pursue an INAPPROPRIATE relationship with michael. she was mix up and messy. silly michael was getting ready to particpate in her nonsense too. gosh sir please.

Lowkey screamed at the end cos Sydney showed to the school where Jean was giving a speech because she knows who she is now. I wish there was a second season just so I could get more info on that

anyways i could probably scream about this show for a long time. but i need to move on in my life and rinse my brain of it. yeah it wasn’t that good. okay

[ohhmyvishnu-blog]

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