#proper evil villains fr

[edsheerankinnie]

!! JJK SPOILER !!

[kaythefloppa]

The Lion Guard: Song Ranking: From Worst to Best: [Part 3: #36-1]

Continuing from where we left off with Part 2 of my ranking of songs from The Lion Guard, as part of the decennial celebration. The third and final entry as we approach some of the best songs in the entire series.

Some things to keep in mind.

This is all my opinion, don’t banish me to the shadow realm.

The only songs I will include are songs from the episodes as well as the soundtrack. Songs from the Disney Junior musical shorts (such as the Circle of Life music video from two years back) are disqualified as they’re far more disconnected from the series proper than say, the songs exclusive to the soundtrack.

Background tracks from the one-hour specials that were officially released on Christopher Willis’ SoundCloud will be included in this list as well.

I am counting songs separately from their reprises. However, if a song appears in the end credits of an episode, I am counting it as the same entity as their episode counterpart.

Tumblr will not let me physically post this entire review because it is too large for its limits (which tests that of my own). This’ll be uploaded in parts and hopefully it should be finished before the month ends.

Finally…. I did the math. I had to listen to all 96 songs of the show. Not for the weak…

Word-vomit under the cut and away we fucken go!!

36: Make Way for Bunga the Wise

Wait, why is this actually catchy?

35: Bunga The Wise

NO FR WHY IS THIS ALSO CATCHY???

34: Lions Over All

Unpopular opinion… this MIGHT be on-par with My Lullaby…. No cap.

Unlike most people I don’t mind Zira’s recast. It’s no Suzanne Pleshette, but damn Futterman kills it, ESPECIALLY for the villains’ song. I love the blatant Be Prepared/My Lullaby references. I also liked the song expanding on Zira’s character, even if the episode is infamously messy and contradictory in terms of continuity.

The duet between her and Kion at the end is pretty nice as well. The effect of the shadows showing Zira as the more dangerous threat that domineers over Kion is so damn good.

33: We Will Defend

This is the perfect way to open up the final season, with a brilliantly subtle recap to the arc as shown in the previous season, cleanly transitioning into the final stage of said arc.

What I noticed about this song that no one else seems to mention is how the lyrics foreshadow the rest of Season 3’s story arc. Listen closely at 1:48 and 1:51, and you can hear the chorus saying “Moja Kwa Moja” and “Tuliza” respectively. This song hits the ground running for Season 3, and if it weren’t for the stiff competition that lies ahead, it would be the best damn opener to a Lion Guard two-parter ever.

32: Our Kupatana Community

If they can put Jackal Style onto the soundtrack, there is NO REASON why they couldn’t have done the same here. The vocalization, the subtle ‘Circle of Life’ references, the melody and harmony!!! AAH!!! Adore

31: I Do Have a Great Deal to Say

Yes, we all love the two re-animated bits from the original film in The Lion Guard’s animation and art-style. But this song is so much more than that!!!

For what it’s worth, it’s pretty much an “evil” or rather inversed version of Zazu’s song “The Morning Report” from the extended cut of the original (of which this episode is named after). Zazu sings about what he observes in the Pride Lands to an intended audience. To Mufasa, it’s involving animals, with occasional puns, to Janja and his hyenas, he involves pointless info about Simba whilst whilst wording his statements in a precise way to make himself seem reliable to the hyenas and evade punishment. Peak character writing and peak music. And don’t think I didn’t notice the creepy ass chorus near the end.

(Also the “sounds like he’s flat” joke from Bunga was funny enough to make me forgive the muted section of the song).

30: Tonight We Strike

I remember the very night where Return of the Roar came out and this song came to air. I swear to god those purple singing Hazbin-Hotel lookin' ass hyenas gave me nightmares for weeks. Even as an adult, it’s still a mind-fuck to see them.

Return of the Roar airing on the main Disney Channel allowed it to push more limits as opposed to the series proper on Disney Junior. Hence why the words “die” and “dead” are both verbally said in the pilot, and why this song is allowed to be as batshit acid as it could and I love it for that.

Also, to any “Lion Guard stops predators from hunting and are the bad guys!” Mfers, look to this song right here. It spells out everything that shatters that argument almost as much as Janja shatters the bones of his prey.

29: Long Live the Queen

I hate the reprise that this number, builds up to, but I love the original song, Long Live the Queen, in arguably the best regular-length S3 episode.

It does Rani’s character the justice of actual character focus and struggles with a proper set-up and resolve, and is a good way to end the episode after we open with Janna’s passing.

Also, if you listen closely, Nirmala’s singing voice sounds eerily identical to Fozzy Bear. Now you can’t unhear it either :))

28: May There Be Peace

Another song that I loved hearing in the episode’s promos and was twice as overjoyed to see in the episode’s proper. Whoever came up with the lyric “What’s inside matters so much more than feathers, fur or skin,” I salute you.

27: Ghost of the Mountain

I wish I had more to say about this song, but I love it. Very Halloweeny

26: Shujaa Ponda

Holy fucking shit they got Christopher Motherfucking Jackson to play this Hulk Gorilla on The Lion Guard and to sing as Hulk Gorilla on The Lion Guard and I fucking love it.

For a character with limited vocabulary, they had to be extra clever with the lyrics and they indeed were. Also, that vocalization is GODLY.

25: As You Move On

This song was ROBBED of an Emmy. Christopher Jackson and Heather Headley were a PERFECT duo here (Hi Broadway Nala!) and their performance was stellar. I was way more excited for this song than whatever the fuck the Scar Joker origin backstory song was turning out to be, and I was not disappointed.

Also little Makini is soul-crushingly adorable.

24: Beware of the Zimwi

Khary Payton is a worthy successor to Robert Guilllame in terms of both voice acting and singing. He pulls off this creepy ghoulish vibe that does this song a magnificent service.

23: Height and Sight

Again, words do not do this song enough justice. This song was the best part of the Season 2 finale.

Even though I think Anga needed more appearances in Season 2 before joining the main cast in the next season, this song does a good job at getting us invested in Anga’s character and abilities, as well as showing the really cute friendship between her and Ono: Two crucial details that will come in greatly hand for the climax of Season 2’s story arc.

It really soars, is what I’m saying.

22: We’ll Make You a Meal

The double-entendres in the song involving food were so good, I was almost rooting for Reirei to win. That’s how good this song is. Even though it’s a villains’ song, it sounds perfectly upbeat and camp, which fits Reirei’s manipulative nature.

21: Find Your Roar

I wouldn’t be surprised if this was a song pulled straight from Rhythm of the Pride Lands and/or is a straight-up deleted song from The Lion King. It arguably has the most feel and tone of the original movie out of every song on this list. I like montage songs, and this is an example (one of many on this list), that’s done right.

20: Jackal Style

The first Reirei song of the series…. AND THE BEST!!!!!

I like how the song doesn't actively *sound* villainous. Much like We'll Make You a Meal, if you hear the instrumentals, it sounds like a classic fun song, but the lyrics from the villains make it what it is, reflecting how the villains themselves are con-artists (and very so in this episode).

19: A Real Meal

I love how Mwoga glazes the fuck outta carrion when in Season 1, all he and his flock was trying to do is eat live animals.

Still, it’s one of those acid sequence Lion Guard songs where you love how camp and off-the-walls it can be. Plus, Cam Clarke is a good singer (he dubbed Simba’s singing voice in Simba’s Pride), he deserved to be at the forefront of a musical number.

18: Hero Inside:

This song reminds me a bit of Sisi Ni Sawa in tune, but I still like it. I love the chorus, accompaniment, and the overall moral of the song.

I think the show’s ending sours it a teensy bit. Imagine if Mtoto wound up succeeding Beshte as the Lion Guard’s Strongest at the end of the show after Beshte and co retire. Oh well.

17: Kuishi Ni Kucheka

I’m so glad that the Dan and Phil Gorillas didn’t actually have a full-blown musical number and that the actual musical department went to Beau Black and the Chorus for this song.

I find myself repeating this song over and over again because every single bit of it is an earworm. This episode aired when I was stuck at home sick with the flu, and seeing this kinda cheered me up, so maybe I'm more attached to the song than I should be, but regardless, it's a good song.

16: Stand Up, Stand Out

When Never Roar Again was delayed from its original air date, this song (or rather the shortened version that played on Disney Jr. music videos during commercial breaks) had me in a CHOKEHOLD. I loved it, and always found myself singing it.

I was glad to see the song in the episode proper, and it was way better. Fuli and Beshte’s accompaniment was also really welcome.

15: Life in the Pride Lands

Disney Junior loved to play music videos of this song. I would always get hyped seeing it show up and I would sing this at the top of my lungs.

Headphones are not enough for such an experience. I promise you. Also, Beshte's rap in this song >>>

14: Kion’s Lament

A somber song that involves our protagonist’s struggle with a neat break in between the end that transitions into a powerful uplifting moment. It’s glorious.

13: A Beautiful Day (Ni Siku Zuri)

The perfect song to kick off the new series and introduce us to our five main characters. This, I believe is the biggest strength of Return of the Roar and this song is essentially a full minute or so of that strength being shown to us both in visual and song form. Much like "I Always Wanted a Brother" from Mufasa: The Lion King, this is a song that deserved the constant attention it had during the promotions for the special (previews at D23, released clips online, promos, ect).

12: Big Bad Kenge

The last Ushari song in the series and it’s out with a BANG. I could not stop singing this song out loud on repeat, and this was simply from hearing it in the PROMOS.

Christian Slater nails every line of this song, every octave, every tune, and the hype for Kenge that this song is paid off by how badass Kenge himself is.

11. Fujo

I consider The Rise of Scar to be the true Season 2 premiere (as it was originally scheduled to be according to Kevin Schon) because of this song alone. It serves as a brilliant mirror to “A Beautiful Day” from the pilot episode, showing us the main characters’ interactions with the Pride Landers, only now, in a way to introduce us to the ‘new normal’ of the season. The intro, much like We Will Defend, has amazing foreshadowing, showing characters that will gain more importance in Season 2’s story arc. It also shows a painting of the Tree of Life, foreshadowing Season 3’s arc. The show gets really good once it heads into the dry season story in Season 2 and this song is a very good reason why it gets good.

10: Trail to Hope

I am including the episode version, extended version that was featured on several Disney Jr. promos back when th episode aired, as well as the end-credits’ version of this song all as one entity. A great way to kick off the top 10 list.

Alex Cartana, much like Beau Black, is an amazing singer for the series, and I’m surprised she didn’t get as many background songs as Beau Black did. It’s another song that would feel perfectly at home in the 1994 original film.

9: Sisi Ni Sawa

I call “The Rise of Makuu” the first song of the series since it was released on demand before its actual television airing, but Never Judge a Hyena By Its Spots was ‘technically’ the first episode in airing order. I mention that because the choice to have this be the first to air after the pilot and clear up the “not all hyenas are evil” thing was really smart, and nonetheless, my love for this song is purely because of how good of a message this is to aim towards children.

8: My Way

Best Fuli song ever. I can’t even come up with the right words for it, I am just in love with this song. I heard it in the promos for TLG’s soundtrack before the episode itself aired, AND listened to it on the soundtrack. I was the most excited for this song to come up, and was in musical heaven seeing it on the small screen.

I can also HEAVILY relate to Fuli as an adult, so there’s that.

7: The Legend of Scar

The Legend of Scar, is a piece by the Lion Guard Chorus that appears in Return of the Roar when Simba explains to Kion about the legend of Scar and his Lion Guard, as well as the fall-out between them. This piece appears regularly in the series proper, such as Lions of the Outlands or Return to the Pride Lands. A snippet of it also appears in the official trailer for Season 3.

The repeating Swahili chants, the tune gradually becoming more and more intense, the crescendo, and ESPECIALLY the haunting vocals at the end after the story is finished. I headcanon that the Lions of the Past sung this to Scar as they took the Roar of the Elders from him. It’s THAT freakin good.

The juxtaposition of the Lion Guard’s lemotif with the Legend of Scar theme at the end, which ALSO foreshadows Scar’s return in the Season 2 premiere! AAAAHG!!!

6: Flamingo Dance Party/Go Go Flamingo

This song should be a Tik-Tok dance. Why is this song not a Tik-Tok dance.

5: I Have a Plan

Real ones remember the Scar clickbait incident of 2017 where the promos tricked everyone into thinking this song was gonna be in The Rise of Scar, only for it to not be in the special, but in fact very next episode two weeks later.

But it was good clickbait because I love this song. It fucking slaps. In case you didn’t notice, he has a plan. Let him cook.

David Oyelowo was a perfect casting choice for Scar. He pulls off the perfect level of hammy for a villain of this show, and simultaneously the perfect amount of entertaining menace and malice that suits Scar’s character. The notes and the beat are all perfectly within his range, with hauntingly amazing visuals. Nowhere near the level of Be Prepared, but still really fun.

4: On The Last Night

This is the best character sung song. It encapsulates everything we've come to know and love about the main characters as they reach the end of their journey. As much as I'm still mad at how Max Charles' singing was recasted, I'm twice as happy that the last song he got to sing before the series closed.

3. It is Time

I remember hearing this song in the promos for Return of the Roar and the main show and I wondered what it was, or where it even came from. I soon learned that this was featured on the soundtrack and was basically what inspired Kion's Lament.

I repeat. Beau Black is a musical GOD. So much life and energy is put into his performances and it all just adds beautifully to what the show is about. I'd argue that this song could've been in the finale [entry #1 non-withstanding]. There are already two variants of it in the series proper. Plus Beau Black has enough singing and vocal range to dub an Adult Kion singing, and it would be thematically appropriate for the show, and Kion's character in general.

2. Call of the Guard

I wasn't expecting this to be the theme song for the show, but I was pleasantly surprised. The actual theme for the series proper does a very good job at setting the stage for what's to come in the episode. The soundtrack version is what largely gets this this onto the top three. MAN is it good. It starts off calm and mysterious before swelling into grandiose., with the chorus being divided evenly in half. By the time it ends you feel so satisfied. I'm very glad we get to hear bits and pieces of it in both the movie pilot and the series proper.

1. Here Comes the Lion Guard

I'm very jealous of all the people at 2015's D23 expo who got to see this song be performed live by Beau Black and the Lion Guard chrous.

But seriously, lives were changed. The earth shook.

If you've at all even gone within an arm's length of The Lion Guard, whether you watched the show when it was on the air and saw it in the outros, seen promos of it on Disney Jr, watched the show online, or even saw some clips on YouTube, there's a good chance you've heard of this song in any capacity.

I said it before and I'll say it again. Beau Black was the perfect choice for the musical talent behind this show. So many songs on this list, but especially this one just prove that point. It retains the same African vibe that flows through the franchise, is upbeat enough to be welcome for the show itself, the Swahili chorus, lyrics, and Beau's vocals are all breathtaking, and all topped off with the instrumentals. And the outro versions of the song (both in Return of the Roar and in Seasons 1-2 of the show) are brilliantly edited to where you can still enjoy it in its own right. Also, shout-out to Disney Jr. for reworking the post-credits scene from the pilot into their actual promo for the show.

I actually think the song could've worked as the intro to the show, because for all Call of the Guard manages to successfully pull off, Here Comes the Lion Guard manages to do that twice as well as an entry point to the series.

Alternatively, I would've easily accepted it being reworked into the series proper. The hill that I will always die on is that Here Comes the Lion Guard should've been the final song of the series. If they didn't have the budget to compose one last original song, then they should've went for this to be recycled for the finale. It would compensated for the song being axed as the Season 3 outro, and it would've better made the series come full circle. Plus I know for a fact Diamond White would've absolutely eaten up the final Walinzi Wa Simba! lyrics.

If you ever decide to tell your friends about The Lion Guard, or show it to your children someday, introduce them to this song. The show itself may not be perfect, but this song is.

And there you have it. My official ranking of every Lion Guard song. Lots of calculations (and errors thereof), as well as all-nighters were pulled in the making of this ranking and it's fucking worth it.

Happy [early] 10th anniversary to The Lion Guard!

[aerticent]

Something that irks me bad is how in sm aus where the central idea is just "Maven receives help" Mare HAS to be present like it's partially her responsibility to ensure he receives proper care. I remember a long time ago I saw one of these aus (I don't remember where soz💔) where Cal is deadass like "hope she can get comfortable around him and stop being so fidgety😞💔" like he wasn't her literal ABUSER. If we're being totally fr I would be willing to bet that if Cal approached Mare and told her "I'm going to personally ensure that Maven receives proper help and I'm also going to act as his primary caregiver" Mare would most likely leave! I'm not saying she would hate or villainize Cal, I think she'd be understanding as to why Cal is doing that, but I doubt she would want to be involved. And she's not evil or wrong for that, this idea that she needs to be personally involved with her ABUSERS recovery is batshit and y'all are WEIRD

In general this idea that Mare was wrong or acting irrationally for her very understandable hatred for Maven is insane. He abused her, it doesn't matter why or what led him to doing it, he abused her and she has literally every right to hate him and want him gone.

[dizzified]

Siara, The Goddess of Life and Death!

Her real name is Siarendell Amoralis, but she ended up shortening her name down to Siara due to hating her full name.

In her mortal life, she was formerly apart of a cult worshipping The Goddess of Infamy, Karone, or rather, she was born into it.

Her parents, Sialine Amoralis, and Daintus Amoralis, were seen as figureheads within the cult along with her aunt, Glory Muse and her uncle, Valor Muse.

Spent her short lifespan pressured to be perfect and flawless because she wasn't born correctly.

Looks nothing like anyone in her family.

Literally looks adopted.

Was passionate about violin playing but was forced to quit due to her mother believing it was a useless skill.

Ultimately died after being impaled with a stake through the skull and being dismembered.

Her aunt and uncle were paid to kill her due to her parents believing she could never amount to anything and would forever fail to meet their expectations.

Never got a proper burial, ended up being sacrificed and having her body burnt to ashes.

Literally was forced into godhood.

Didn't really have a choice.

Amelia became her mother figure.

Ended up snapping due to the pressure of her job.

Nearly murdered Amelia and stormed off to become emo.

Had a goofy ahh villain ark.

Was a certified hater.

Which was kind of valid, after nearly being murdered.

Torture intensifies.

Built her own sanctuary to isolate herself but literally just ended up drowning in her own anger.

Evil antics.

Casualties happened.

Ultimately got the shit beat out of her.

Nearly died again.

Finally got a redemption ark.

Normal person moment fr.

Not really.

Has nightmares about the trauma she faced dealing with her mother as a child.

Siara is an extremely guilty person.

Self-loathing.

Overworks herself constantly and blames herself for things that aren't even her fault.

Cries herself to sleep at night.

On the bright side.

She actually has a very goofy personality.

Queen of stupid puns.

Can and will be silly.

Currently going through every stage of self-hatred known to man.

Crying screaming and throwing up.

Mentally unwell.

Still tries to help people despite this.

Is failing.

[loveydive]

okay thoughts on stone ocean

i just wanna say that i feel like im in a unique position reading this since some common complaints abt opinions of stone ocean being negative is that ppl rushed thru it to get to sbr too quickly. which just does not apply to me bc i read sbr and jjl first before reading stone ocean teehee x so ya

likes

I LOVE JOLYNE SO MUCH THIS CANNOT BE UNDERSTATED. I LOVE. HER. SO. MUCH. THERE IS NOT ONE THING THAT I DONT LIKE ABT HER I LOVEHER SO MUCH. I LOVE HER DUMBASSNESS, I LOVE HER RECKLESS BEHAVIOUR TO SAVE HER FRIENDS THAT IS TYPICAL FOR A SHOUNEN PROTAGONIST BUT NEVER SHOWN THRU A FEMALE SHOUNEN PROTAG I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE HER. i love her development. i love her. and shes liKE GENUINELY SMART IN BATTLES AS WELL. AND NOT LIKE GIORNO WHO HAS A WIKIPEDIA EMBEDDED IN HIS FRONT CORTAL OR SMTH. BUT LIKE PROPER BATTLE SMART THAT MAKES YOU GO OKAY I DID NOT THINK OF THAT. i love her flaws. i love how she has daddy issues and is complex abt loving her dad or not. i love that she loves her mum. love love love.

fights dont feel like villain of the week format. progresses nicely and logically imo. overall, there were some fights that just seemed to drag foreverrrr, but only 1 or 2 that i outright hated (unlike jjl lmao). fave arcs were white snake: pursuer, ff intro, bohemian rhapsody, heavy weather, c-moon, made in heaven just off top of head

versus was esp interesting as a minor villain. i felt his motivations were justified and it made him interesting. i esp liked the little tension btwn him and pucci and wish it had been expanded more.

perhaps unpopular opinion but i actually liked pucci as a villain. lots of ppl say that hes just another part 3 villain but More. and hes just a lamer version of dio which i just disagree with. i felt that his back story lended a lot to making him his own person, with dio being a mentor and kind of like the like shaping for why he believes what he does when he was dealing with his grief and guilt. like his backstory in particular i loved. the idea of coincidences, fate, tragedy. he obviously frequently questions it when we read his backstory (why did those two have to meet? why did the lady tell him about switching the babies? why did her baby die?) its like a series of events that all reached to a peak with the tragedy of his sister's death and weather's lynching. and AH im going crazy. and ofc he feels guilty over his but at the same time, he wonders why it all happened. because of fate? why was it fate for his sister to die? and he just feels powerlessness over this. CUHRAZYY. and how his stand abilities manifest in direct response to losing his sister?? LOVE THAT. oh my godddd and his relationship with weather and that quote 'you're the ultimate image of evil, but you dont realize that you're evil. this is what makes you the worst kind of evil.' SCREAM. ANW THATS HOW I INTERPRETTED HIM AND I LIKE HIM. TOP 3 JOJO VILLAINS EASY.

i REALLY REALLY liked weather report's backstory and relationship to pucci. LIKE THE DRAMA OF IT ALL. THROUGHOUT READING IT I WAS LIKE GIRLLLL WHY ARE YOU DOING THATTTT. IT FELT LIKE READING A TRAGEDY YK? LIKE SHAKESPEARE. LITERALLY SHAKESPEARE. romeo and juliet but incestuous (rip). even has themes of senseless hatred!!! (side not i cannot believe araki actually put the kkk in there and also weather being a BLACK MAN I WAS LIKE WAIT ARE WE DOING THIS FR?). anw really liked it. made pucci feel wayy more human and made the stakes feel more personal

i liked the character designs just in general. and even tho annasui looks like a diavolo ripoff, i think hes looks very pretty. found myself looking at him sometimes even if i dont rlly like him dgsauids

aside from jolyne, i feel like i REALLY liked f.f. perhaps a tad more than hermes. ff was so bubbly and unique to the story. she was absolutely hilarious and i wish she hadnt died so early in the story but i feel like araki just didnt know what to do with her anymore esp since she didnt have a stand.

i generally overall like the characters individually. they are all interesting to look at/ have interesting personalities, motivations and stands etc etc

i like the little exploration of jotaros weakness being his own daughter buttttt - will explain more in dislikes

dislikes

(dragon dreams arc) kenzo fight is bs - hate fights that are basically just like. im winning… just just bc i am!!! liek you could explain this whole new concept to me that describes how hes winning but if its just some astrology bs that essentially says ‘just bc’ then im calling bs. this fight is bs.

jailhouse rock was. hm. it was an interesting stand in CONCEPT. but execution was like not fun to read at all imo.

im gonna be honest. like compared to the other jojo gangs, this part felt the least like they were friends. EVEN COMPARED TO PART 5 - whose relationships i thought were like eh (prolly cause we’re watching it from giorno pov and giorno has only known them for like. a week LMAO) ANW i think its bc so many times, the gang had to split up to like fight. and i dont think there was a single fight where all of them just like fought tgt. it was always in pairs and one or so was always out of commission. like mannnn. like jolynes individual relationship with each of them was good. but the trio of girls only really felt like real friends and that doesnt last long since hermes gets put out of commission after her revenge and ff dies shortly after like WTF sadface. so like when weather dies and hermes is crying. im like girl why are you crying did you even interact with him 😭 AND i feel like the fact that the gang arent really friends makes itself REALLY obvious when in the c-moon arc. hermes gets hit and knocked away from everyone and. everybody just kinda. continues without her anw??? like THINK ABOUT IT WOULD ANY OTHER JOJO GANG LET THAT HAPPEN IN THE OTHER PARTS?? THEY JUST LEAVE HER?? HUH??

maybe im eheh, more boring, but i prefer my um stories to be a bit more grounded (says the girl reading literal jojo). but yeah the story in general was like super okay good. but the ending battle hm. was a bit too lets say. out there for me teehee. like guess im not a big fan of like space and all that and alternate realities on a grander scale. it was just like a LOT.

moving onto the most controversial thing i think. the ending. a lot of ppl hate it. some ppl love it. imo i had stronger (negative) feelings with the jojolion ending. the stone ocean ending was. eh. like i didnt vehemently hate it, nor did i love it persay. i felt that it was indeed a bit rushed. like araki was like oh shit! i need to end this in the next few chapters and did that dhasuiodasd. like the gang died so quickly i didnt even realise that they actually died i was like no way right.

ANW BACK TO THEMES OF THE ENDING. i wish it was more. like. if youre gonna rewrite the entire universe, at least have it mean something yk? bc even though the ending was technically happy, very happy. i dont think there was a justifiable reason for it i think? like it could have just as easily been an unhappy ending and i get how ppl are like its symbolism!! the joestars dont have to fight evil anymore and its meaningful bc an outsider ended it. (side note, i do think this story was a better way to start off the way jjl started ‘this is a story about breaking a curse’ can you imagine that at the start of stone ocean? ooo goosebumps) but anw, imo i just do not feel that it was set up properly or justified. emporio did not deserve to be the last one standing imo, there just wasnt enough reason or set up for him to be. the use of weather’s stand was satisfying but not the fact that is was emporio. i wish it had been jolyne i think idkk

like even tho it technically is a happier ending for the gang, it doesnt feel deserved in my opinion. like not bc theyre bad ppl and they dont deserve it or that they didnt work hard, like i LOVE THE CHARACTERS. but. hm. it doesnt make sense thematically is what im saying. the characters dont meaningfully engage with puccis notion that he should create a universe where everyone knows their fate and is happy. they kinda are just like. oh hes killed ppl and is evil so therefore, we must stop him!! and im just rlly? like dont you wanna hear him out a bit GDIASUDHASD but yeah i just feel like weather had stronger motivations in this regard. the gang just dont have really strong reasons to fight pucci. including jolyne who already got her father’s disc back

SPEAKING OF WHICH, UM. CAN WE HAVE MORE PAYOFF FOR JOTARO COMING BACK TO LIFE PWEEAASSEEE. like he comes back and its pretty badass ngl but i want MORE btwn him and jolyne. like how abt an apology old man? why does ANNASUI AND JOTARO TALK MORE THAN JOTARO AND HIS OWN DAUGHTER IM GONNA KILL MYSELFFFF like he tells jolyne that shes grown (which, sweet) but can he PLEASE JUTS SAY THAT HES PROUD OF HER OR SMTH?? PLEASE? YOURE JUST STATING A FACT THATS SHES GROWN HDUIASDHASD OLD MAN SAY SMTH MORE USEFUL IM GONNA BASH YOUR HEAD INNN. IF JOLYNE FORGIVES HIM SHE IS DOING ALL THE FUCKING LEGWORK HERE

THAT BEING SAID. even tho jolyne is meant to be the PROTAGONIST of this part, her role in the final final battle is HEAVILY DIMINISHED. AND IM LIKE HUH. LIKE THIS IS THE PART WHERE WE GET A FEMALE JOJO AND THE THREE MVPS IN THE END TURN OUT TO BE THE GUYS LIKE 😐 OKAY. at least in the other parts, their respective jojos actually FEEL like the protag. jonathan kills dio, joseph kills kars, jotaro kills dio, josuke heavily has a whole badass fight with kira, giorno oneshots diavolo, and jolyne... what DOES SHE DO IN THE FINAL FIGHT AGAIN? 😭 like annasui has diverdown and stuff, jotaro stops time which stops pucci a fair bit, and emporio literally kILLS pucci. EVEN THE STAND USED TO KILL PUCCI WAS WAETHERS LIKEEE PUHLEASEE. and im reading this and itS LIKE SORRY WASNT JOLYNE THE PROTAGONIST? literally after the c-moon arc, i cant really recall like anything SIGNIFICANT that she does despite having just read it yesterday. and it makes me sad bc um. i rlly like her

overall - 6/10 - top 3 protag and antag. the concepts are THERE but the execution was off. definitely more experimental but thematically, it just wasnt satisfying.

[300iqprower]

I want to preface this with I'm not a Jalter fan. With that being said I find it the weirdest that the fgo fandom considers Jalter the epitome of fgo waifu's because edgy goth tsun gf. Fr though, how tf do so many people think Jalter is the ideal gf. I've met women with the kind of personality Jalter has irl and after meeting them I make it a point to avoid them in the future. That kind of personality is not ideal for a relationship.

I'll preface with the fact I'm a massive Jalter fan and I'll tell you I 100% agree.

like, part of it is certainly the fact that a fictional waifu isn't actually reflective of one's specific tastes in personality. It might be in aesthetic but not in personality because there's a massive caveat in that being fictional means you get to assume that in spite of every possible flaw the relationship will completely work out and be fulfilling. I mean that's usually the entire reason people will waifu-husbando villains.

But even that aside the worst thing about Jalter is how fan flanderization has impact her character in canon as anyone who likes the original version of her (that thank christ Turas Realta kept) can pretty much tell you. Berserker Jatler is a fantastic character in part because she finds a way to compromise the two and make a new, differently meaningful character out of it by showing us who Jalter would be if that agony finally settled as someone who despite being freed of their suffering now believes they're too unlovable to deserve freedom from their suffering.

.....which makes it all the more bullshit they just cranked Jalter proper's emo up to 11 and made her even more of a sweary tsun than Berserker Jalter. In that repost I still cannot fcking believe Enecoo themselves reblogged I pretty much laid it out: I'm all for fun times tsun jalter in events but in canon I don't want that. I want the Shakespearean tragedy of a character who is born of hatred that is justified but unsustainable, suffering not because of their own evil but because of the cruel injustices humanity perpetuated.

Sad thing is I wish I could say it was that most of her fans feel that way and just dont know how to convey that kind of love for a character beyond waifu-ing them, but I would 100% believe there's just a ton of people who really like the idea of already massive waifu Jeanne having an emo version and nothing beyond that...

[phoebehalliwell]

how would you rank the seasons from least to most favourite?

alright okay right off the bat worst season season 7. for starters i think this season has no staying power i mean like since i’ve been running this blog 4 so long now my knowledge of charmed is encyclopedic and insanely vast more than like it ever need be but for the longest time. i could not remember season 7. like wtf even happened there?? evidently leo became human??? cole returned? the avatars??? like all of it was just. it’s not even necessarily forgettable it’s just i straight up could not remember it for the longest time. and i’ve said it before the concept of utopia was way to advanced for a show like charmed to tackle i am not watching charmed for moral philosophy i am watching bc i love these girls ♥ hee hee hoo hoo magic adventure ✨ tho if i am to offer a single comment on utopia: it’s awfully rich for a show to go on about destiny and fate and then take a stand against utopia in the name of free will. but w/e. i don’t like leo in the avatars i don’t like his dynamic with piper in this season i don’t like whatever phoebe’s doing this season there’s like leslie?? maybe there’s someone else? boring & flavorless they should have been setting up her endgame instead of puttering around. and kyle. zoo wee mama. could have been a great antihero. morally gray. duplicitous. self serving. but no. they gave him all those traits and called him hero/love interest. s7 left a lot to be desired out of the characters and their relationships also gave us phat L’s such as the charmed ones are werewolves don’t worry about it and feminism peaked with naked women. shout out to zankou: demon, dilf, dub & the noir episode.

you know what? fuck it i’ll say it second worse season 5 genuinely fuck season five. this is probably a Very Specific beef 2 me But. i hate what they did to the charmed universe. this was the season that marked the transition of charmed from supernatural drama to campy soap which like. i love camp! i do! but fr. fuck this season and what it did to the worldbuilding. the early season have Such A Vibe to them man with warlocks and witches and just a couple niche monsters from assorted lore that the show took and made their own. season five opens with mermaids goes directly into fairytales then gives us superheros whatever the fuck was going on in that mummy episode the sandman leprechauns and nymphs. and i hate it for that. it takes away from this urban fantasy things that go bump in the night what lurks in the shadows of the back alleys of san francisco in favor of the ugliest cinderella dress ever put to television and an onslaught of horrible irish accents for a full episode. other issues with season five: cole’s still here? why? they don’t know and neither will you! we’re not redeeming him! phoebe’s not getting back together with him! yes he died we just refuse to let him go! the cherry on top of course being a cole-centric 100th episode. shout out to. hmm. lemme think about what i actually liked about this season. i like jason dean as a love interest i don’t remember what he did in s5 but i know he was there. the season finale i’ve talked about how stupid & shitty it was but idc i still love that episode and then shout out to bacarra the only original villain this season that was a proper serve. the crone gets second place.

next on this come on we all saw it coming season 8. it’s a bad season! and i get bts there was a whole lot happening budget cuts missing actor etc. but it goes beyond that. it was a bad season. billie and christie were bad. and i’ve said this before but billie in herself is not an inherently bad character. she was just the literal worst for the show. she was a dollar store buffy blonde confident cocky skilled and ready 2 fight evil But. we are not following her like we followed buffy we are following her mentors. it’s like if we had a show called giles that aired for seven seasons And Then buffy showed up. billie was insanely irritating to watch from our perspective and in general wasn’t like. well written. attempts to humanize her / give her more depth often fell flat. and then christy. oh nelly. oh my god. barely a character. not well acted but hey it would have been a miracle if she was. negatives include dumain who was a mess omg bringing back the triad bringing back the source billie & christy obvi and also involving homeland security. which is season 7′s fault which is why it’s the worst. dubs on the other hand include both coop and henry i really liked them the shoehorned love interests weren’t great but i like their characters i though the way the got rid of leo to save on the budget was really creative and gave us a great piper episode and of course the sugary sweet finale i love it i do what can i say.

yet another controversial choice aptly coming in fourth is season 4. i respect what season 4 set out to do. i think it was a good idea. long form narratives, keeping a darker tone, focusing on character-driven drama and growth. too bad it fucking failed miserably at all of this. cole as the source and phoebe as the queen of hell was just so so botched. they had a very unique opportunity following the death of prue to explore these characters and what it means to them to be charmed, to be witches. they saved the world but the cost is insanely high. they’ve lost an older sister. they’ve gained a new sister. how do you even begin to cope with all this? episodes such as hell hath no fury and brain drain fuck so hard because they work with exactly that. had the whole season been like those episode season four would sit at number one with flying colors absolutely no competition. but alas. we can’t have nice things. the show got so bogged down with phoebe & cole, in a way that was just so, so messy. for starters, whether you loved cole or hated him before, we can all agree source!cole sucked. he was such a strong 180 from what we had seen that the show had to make the source some type of possession to justify half the shit they were trying to pull. and then to pit phoebe and paige against one another over a man was just. disgusting. and the ending of course felt rushed because it was! they wrapped up that entire issue in a nice little bow much faster than they reasonably should have been able to. it could have been a great season. it was definitely not. shout out to the seer an iconic mastermind on barbas levels, as previously stated brain drain and hell hath no fury Specific shout out to piper’s scene at prue’s grave shout out to paige as a character i like what they did with her and um. yeah that’s it.

okay we’re exiting the shit tier in favorite of the good tier welcome to the upper half. kicking us off is season 6. season 6 did what season 4 could not in that it gave us a long form plot that still left plenty of room for like. normal demon of the week episodes. i love phoebe early in this season with her faboo haircut her brand new empathy power and her relationship with jason dean. obvious strikes against for whatever the fuck that baby crazy stint was and also the mata hari episode. yikes. i love paige’s hair color in this season nothing paige as a character necessarily stands out to me however i like how they seem to have hit the blend of work-magic with paige where she wants a life and career outside of magic however she still loves the craft and embraces is with an open heart and mind. season six also gives us chris who was a very fun male lead imo we really didn’t have many like him he’s bitchy. he whines and bitches a lot he’s got an agenda he’s a bit secretive but at the end of the day he just wants a family i like him. i like the character growth we see out of piper i like seeing her try to move on from leo i love seeing her get back together with leo i like her dynamic with chris and her fears about motherhood. i also liked richard but that one takes a lot of justification. L’s are witchstock hyde school reunion used karma off the top of my head also the paige/richard/addiction plotline was so tone deaf. also the girls were mean to darryl : ( he deserved so much better. dubs were chris as a character, tbh the episode little monsters, phoebe with empathy specifically saying i love you too to jason i could write a dissertation on that line alone also the courtship of wyatt’s father and i thought the reveals of evil wyatt and chris being piper and leo’s son were both fun and interesting plot twists.

coming in third is actually season 2 a season i really do love it’s just. it lacks structure. imo there is a lot to love about season 2 morality bites and pardon my past are both delightful time travel episodes we get jack sheridan and bane jessup two of my personal favorite prue love interests we get p3 h2o and a great prue plotline regarding the death of patty we get the super cute cupid episode it’s a great. collection of episodes. it’s not a great season. there’s just imo not a strong enough thread connecting the stories together it’s mainly held together by having the same characters in it over and over again i really liked dan personally but like. i knew we were wasting time there. he was just an obstacle. a super cute loving and caring obstacle who’s great with kids but lbr piper and leo were always endgame. wasting our time on dan was stupid. i do love the sister dynamics in season two “gotta hand it to those pesky little demons they sure have brought us closer together” but again. this season could have benefitted from a rex and hannah type or even like a cole or zankou. this season is less of a season and more of just like a handful of episodes, and while there are some fat dubs, there are also some definite swings & misses. shout out to the time travel episodes the prue centric episodes phoebe’s character growth and maturity throughout this season (e.g. her going back to college) and i also think the fashion got a lot more fun this season.

second place i’m saying season one season one was a really strong start and gave us these really compelling characters with interesting relationships between one another But. a lot of it just kinda falls flat. and credit where credit is due it was a brand new show getting its feet under it but the fourth sister feats of clay which prue is it anyway they just simply aren’t dubs imo. also i don’t like that 70′s episode bc again i am an asshole concerned about The Lore i can’t believe one bitch ass warlock caused the Charmed Ones to grow up without powers. it just really bugs me. all in all the plots as a whole like aren’t great imo they’re nothing to write home about (save for from fear to eternity) it’s really the characters that make this season so goddamn good.

first place congratulations to the one the only season three. this is just because it kinda hits all my requirements in that it has some banger one offs (e.g. all halliwell’s eve, the good, the bad, and the cursed) it has an overarching plot at the exact same time as the source becomes more prominent and obvi cole is also there with murderous intent i like the character growth we see especially from prue i like piper and leo finally get married overall i really like the aesthetic of this season that blends a darker urban fantasy tone with still some charmed fashion and whimsy. strikes against tbh phoebe and cole’s relationship i am insanely picky with my enemies to lovers and the do not come remotely close to cutting the mustard in fact they are almost immediately disqualified however from afar i can see and respect The Drama. shout out to recasting victor prue with pistols death as a character and shannen directing episodes

[ultraericthered]

@mayflowergal1: What was extra effective in Ghetsis’ portrayal is how all this about his true character was revealed to you in literally the last segment of the game’s main story. Throughout the game, save for an early “me - I mean Team Plasma” trip up, Ghetsis seemed like a reasonable and decent gentleman, even though you kind of knew he was concealing something darker and came to see more and more that he was using his kindly, polite ways as a front for being a criminal asshole. Only when your journey is on your last leg and both you and N have obtained your respective Legendary’s respective stones does Ghetsis, feeling he has nothing to lose now, shows his true colors and divulges his true ambitions and the true reason for both N’s hero journey and Team Plasma’s very existence. So then what you see at N’s Castle isn’t just stuff he’s now doing or making happen (like the castle enveloping the League, the PCs getting hacked, and the Sages and Shadow Triad doing his bidding), but the results of things he’d already done and made happen long before the story proper had even begun, with their desired outcome about to come to fruition for Ghetsis’ master plan to attain total control of Unova and all of it’s Pokemon, and from there achieve world domination, thus turning the entire world of Pokemon into a dystopia in which he and his Team Plasma are the only Pokemon trainers, thus the only one who hold power over all other living creatures that are to be subjugated to the whims of their supreme god-emperor overlord Ghetsis. It’s truly horrifying, and Ghetsis’ complete lack of remorse, standards, or any sort of redeeming, humanizing features to mitigate his sheer evilness and selfishness makes it all the worse. For a guy who is ultimately a pretty two-dimensional archetypal bad guy, Ghetsis in BW is still the game series’ most effective villain for this reason.

I did do a follow-up to this detailing Ghetsis’ few heinous deeds and horrific character aspects in the sequel games, and the fact that he’s the first villain in the games to directly threaten and attempt brutal homicide on the underage player character protagonist did not go unnoticed. Giovanni never remotely tried to kill his opponent, and while Archie, Maxie, and Cyrus’ end goals might’ve indirectly gotten people killed, they never directly tried to kill the hero or anybody else they shared the screen with. Your “before Ghetsis or after” comment is technically wrong since after Ghetsis, Lysandre did attempt to kill the heroes with a murder-suicide in Y, and Lusamine tried to kill the player character and Lillie in S/M. But Ghetsis was the trendsetter in this regard, and he’s also tried to kill his own son with White Kyurem’s fusion flare (twice!) in the fifteenth Generations short and threatened to murder Lillie with his bare hand in US/UM! His go-to solution for getting rid of something in his way is to destroy it in some form, usually with a bit of torture added so that he can watch them in “that moment” he so loves. Complete Monster is really the best description for the sort of person Ghetsis is. 

@icestarragonhc: Agreed. If I have one complaint about Ghetsis in the games it’s that, character-wise, he’s the only Big Bad who gets less compelling and developed in his subsequent appearance past his debut game. (And I mean character-wise: as a villain he’s still effective in the two scenes he’s given, as a direct threat he’s even more dangerous than he was before since he’s more deranged and less restricted in his evildoing and is controlling a Legendary Dragon himself rather than relying on a pawn to do that for him, and in terms of fashion, his creepy dark Devil cloak trumps whatever the fuck that was on him in B/W).  Giovanni’s character improved in FR/LG, HG/SS, and US/UM, Archie and Maxie’s characters improved in Emerald, OR/AS, and US/UM. Cyrus’ character improved in Platinum and US/UM. Even Lysandre’s character was improved in everything he ever appeared in after X/Y, including US/UM, and Lusamine’s character improved in US/UM (IMHO). But Ghetsis...his two scenes in B2/W2 was his depiction at N’s Castle on steroids, with him “showing his true self” being dumbed down to him acting as a one-note, one-dimensionally written cartoonish caricature of his former self, and he’s lucky that US/UM put such an interesting spin on his role in Episode RR because it was otherwise another rehash of his earlier character, albeit this time a better written rehash. Thank goodness Generations and Pokemon Special’s wonderfully disturbing and evil portrayals of him sort of make up for this.

To the tools at TV Tropes who think Ghetsis is “not heinous enough” to be called a Complete Monster:

- That big castle drilling itself into the Pokemon League of Unova? Would not have happened without Ghetsis.

- Those Plasma grunts who use and abuse stolen Pokemon for their own ends? Following the mentality Ghetsis encouraged. 

- N grew up with abused Pokemon that his father, Ghetsis, had his mooks abuse in the first place and then deliberately gave to N in order to warp his views on the relationships between people and Pokemon, giving him a false reality he’d believe he had to change.

- Team Plasma enslaved and overworked countless Pokemon for years in order to build this castle…all under Ghetsis’ orders.

- That lab where they’re going to hijack the storage system of every PC and release all Pokemon? Ghetsis’ place, Ghetsis’ idea.

- N’s disturbing childhood playtime room, where he’s been in and played in even recently? The environment that Ghetsis provided for him deliberately to shut him off from human contact and slow his mental aging and emotional growth: to keep him pure and child-like in order to be the Hero, and ignorant as a pawn. This level of Tykebomb raising borders on psychological abuse and subtle Mind Rape! 

- The calculated manipulation of minds and hearts - Ghetsis’ prize policy for controlling the masses. He wants to seize control of their souls, too.

- From Unova, Ghetsis wants to dominate the entire world and set up a Dystopian new world order - not just take over the Unova region.

- He wants to be the only one who can use, abuse, and control Pokemon as he sees fit, leaving the rest of the population powerless and susceptible to being oppressed and enslaved by him and his Pokemon. He wants to be in total control of all that lives.

- He’s been working towards this for years. The man has always been a heartless, self-centered sociopath.

- “MY Team Plasma!” It’s all about him. He was using everyone for his own ends and would gladly throw them all away if it suited him. In the end he cares for nobody and nothing: only himself. 

- He wanted to make the masses weak and afraid. He’s the worst kind of bully.

- Again he says he wanted to rule the world utterly, not just rule Unova. And he wanted to do this through incredibly vile means: through seizing and manipulation of hearts.

- When he says “You must be eliminated!”, he means he intends to murder you. Standard as that may be for most fictional villains, no main “Pokemon” game villain has used these terms or ever had this intent before, which makes Ghetsis stand out above the rest. 

- Ghetsis built Team Plasma on a lie about his cause in order to manipulate self righteous people who genuinely wanted to do good for Pokemon, his own son included. He made them believe that through this plan and the power of the Hero, all Pokemon would be freed from the captivity of humans, so that humans and Pokemon could be segregated into separate worlds. In reality, he intended to be the only one to use Pokemon. To enslave and abuse them for their power, which would be used to enslave and abuse people! More than any past villain, Ghetsis is extra exploitative of Pokemon themselves. And that’s terrible!

- Ghetsis shamelessly admits to being a cruel, utterly sadistic maniac who gets off on the pain of others when they’ve broken down in despair and lost all hope. He elevates himself higher by bringing others down lower. A truly despicable piece of work. 

- “The world should be mine!” The guy feels entitled to ruling the world. 

- He shows absolutely no remorse for his crimes, for he sees himself as perfect. His creation, his plans, the atrocious lengths he takes in them, and his new world order are thus “perfect” too. He’s actually self righteous about being evil. That really takes something special.

- And last he admits to having raised his son up specifically to be his puppet in his master plan that was years in the making, and then has the audacity to insult him for being “a freak without a human heart”: not only hypocritical, but insulting his own son for being exactly what he himself raised him to be because his entire plan hinged on him being it! 

It leaves us asking: what sort of sick, heinous creature would go to these lengths for a completely selfish and evil cause? Ghetsis would, and he did. That is why he is Pokemon’s definitive Complete Monster. 

[thelastangryman-blog]

A  Tall Tale of the Twin Towers in Four Parts

1.       Remember, Remember November Ninth, 2001

The early naughties was a weird time. We were sick of the 90s EXTREME! We were content with being told who and what was now cool. Then one of those ‘where were you’ days happened. Why has this number not come close to being matched since?

·         London: 52

·         Bali: 202

·         Madrid: 191

·         9/11: 2996

They were certainly strange times where anything could have happened but not much did. Despite what we were promised.

I was more entertained by the absolute ridiculous contrast of the character: Yosemite Bin Liner. He could train his agents of doom; supply them with the necessary documents and passports; infiltrate them into flight training schools. Co-ordinate all the hijackers; bypass airport security and carry out one of the most shocking acts of terror ever committed. But he had to make tapes and hoped they’d be found in a series of winding caves in his secret layer; that would put a Bond villain to shame. How about no.

What, he couldn’t email a link to AJ? I’d like to think there’s a bag somewhere with a horde of outtakes and bloopers. You’ve Been Jihad’d. See, this is why ISIS use Twitter and ISIL’s on Instagram; easier, convenient. Instant. Though, makes you wonder why these Machiavellian masterminds don’t just use the postal service. Honestly that’s about the safest and securest way to communicate these days.

And I remember, quite well, one of these Exclusive Terror Tapes. The whole world watched, glued to the tube; engrossed as the breaded bollocks bragged ‘bout the towers collapsing then broke the 4th wall with a wink and warned of the impending Jihad he’d rein down upon us. *SPOILERS* And where are they now; al-Qaida? All washed up. The roguish bad boy racket; yeah that shit gets old. Exit stage left with a splash.

Which begs the question, Bosco, why even tell us your grand plan? Wouldn’t it be more frightening if we knew nothing? Constantly living in an Islamic State of fear.

 2.       “9/11 was an Inside Job.”

Then the Feds should have no problem in solving the case. Just cross-reference the workers and see who has links to al-Qaida. Isn’t that what that term means: insider information was used, passed on to aid in the crime? So I wonder who it was that left the key under the mat for dear old Bin Liner to happen upon. 

I find it hard to believe no one has ever thought; for the fallen and the flag that God himself bestowed upon us: which gives us the right to go and find his body; salvage it. Bring it on tour “5 bucks to spit on the body of Bin Laden.”  Oh, out of respect for Islam and the Muslim race...hang on I’ve Je Suis on the other line. She says… ‘Fuck off, you commie queer.’  It’s more poetic in French.

So then ISIS made their debut with a twist. This season; there’s no proper antagonist. I’m not including the position of Jihad John, that’s just their Twitter account manager. With no face to tape to dart boards, who could it be? “Is that him?” “No, wait. That’s him; I think.” It’s all so vague and intriguing. Why better for ratings, my deer.

We see them training, in snippets of videos: doing jumping jacks in the desert. They can attack at anytime. It’s like when we were all afraid of the colour red. LOL. Can jet fuel melt steel beams? I don’t know, my area of expertise is pulling the piss out of vegans and daggin’. I just find it hard to believe vibrations, debris and office fires – hours later – brought down Building 7.

 3.       Alternative Ending

Osama Bin Laden was a hero for some. A role model even. And George Washington is no different; his supports are the other side of that spectrum. Both men by now, reduced to mere myths. But back to reality.

Old Yosemite had a dream. A plan. To put the fear of his God into these pig-dog enfilades for the decades of bloodshed: time to make them pay. Good job he was the chosen one; he was highly trained and financed.

Now remember kids, this was in a time before airport security became the parody we know today. Before watch-lists, Homeland Security and all this digital surveillance jazz.  And as it turned out old Bin Liner’d no problem getting his radicalised radicals into the Land of the Free.

And planes were the best he could come up with?

Instead of planes, why not a bomb in every state (Just mainland). That’s on average 62 deaths per state. And I don’t mean capitol cities, secondary or minor ones. I’m talking Hicksville, middle of Nowhere. A mom & pops store. The local diner where 62 honest-to-God-fearin’ people were enjoying an honest meal (Insert Product placement).  Boom. All 48 detonate simultaneously ripping the soul out of Nowhere.

Happy 4th of Jihad.

Ah, don’t be stupid; where’d Bin Liner get 48 bombs from? 

The garden centre, hardware store and supermarket.

MacGyver, The A-Team and years of CSI: you can do a lot with a handful of everyday items. Hell, they didn’t even need to go off. As long as it was viable and crude. Cruder the better; barbaric if you can. Doesn’t matter the size; the News’ll always tart it up with spectacularly render 3D virtual reality segments: interactive; download the app to see for yourself.

It’s not the effects but the affect.

The fact that these dirty, filthy savages managed to penetrate so far undetected; infiltrate to the very spine, crawl into the foundation with such ease and plant their bombs right in the heart; at such a local level... No. The reason why that never and will ever happen – despite all the promises and tweets – is because that sort of panic causes a stampede. And speaking from personal experience: once cattle are spooked you’ve no control of the situation.

And that’s why it has to metropolitan cities – the disconnect. The ripples. “Did you hear; the Muslims” Eyes start to narrow, a bit more. Then words like them and we are heard more. The wind picks up and every sort of cuntin’ flag comes out completely blocking your view. T-shirts get printed that read:

FIND THEM

PINPOINT THEM

NUKE THEM

4.       P.C.S

“There was never a golden age of man. We’ve always been shitty to one another.” Jake, TBR.

Was it naïve of me to expect too much? Instead of an almighty Jihad we were treated to phoned-in performances. Reminders; notifications:

“Hey, don’t forget, we’re still here. We’re not going to do anything, other than this. Even though we’re portrayed as being capable of worse. Don’t forget to subscribe. Donate to our Patreon.  Buy our T-shirts.”

And a plethora of rebranding. Ah, I suppose this is why things should never be hyped they’ll never live up. And no; we wouldn’t have a Utopia if these shady characters were gone. Not at all.

All I ask, going forward: entertain or challenge me but please don’t pander; that’s Marvel’s job. If these stale flash-mob-pop-up-performance-instillation pieces are to continue just make it believable because this passport trope is getting real old, son.

That’s not something you normally carry with you. You leave that somewhere safe until you need it but by then you forget where you left it and can’t find the bloody thing. And em, terror attacks/suicide bombing not really one of those times you need your passport: considering you’ve an army of social media bots that’ll claim responsibility for a fart.

I’ve pied-piper’d enough cattle and sheep to know they may be dumb, delicious animals but even they get wide to that shit.

Here’s a freebie.

Using FRS we were able to identify (Insert scary name).  Seen here at a refugee centre. (Oh! That means Islam. Let me get my flag) Piecing together the various texts/snapchats he then made his way to (SET) and we see him *or preferred pronoun* here entering (STAGE).

Keep it simple.

Again, I’m left wondering why these evil geniuses don’t go off-grid, be creative. Sure, things would be more complicated and real-time ‘exclusives’ go out the window. Though, would that be fair on our brave digital men and woman and their oxymoronically alphabetical Agencies? Could they cope, adapt to such a shift. All’s fair in love and Jihad.

But never in the middle of Nowhere.