#prolife people told me stuff and i hate it

[stoicforestsss]

Otherwise it's a bunch of cells. I took some time to talk to people against abortion and some said the most ignorant shit. Some said okay things, like how it's your own choice, but personally they're against it. They don't care if you get an abortion, but they're not. Those people are fine. They were also respectful. The others did not say, well, intelligent, things, but they weren't everyone.

The other people against abortion I talked to, without a complex explanation, acted like they were twelve still learning sex parts and then repressing them like God was going to punish them for saying the word "penis".

They acted like a twelve year old in biology class hearing how babies were made and thinking, "This is what's supposed to happen and I can't do anything to stop it. God decided it was going to happen". I thought I could respect them and ask some open-ended questions to get their opinions and I wouldn't want to drink after, but I was wrong and I should've been smarter on that end.

That's the issue. There are some people out there who, when given respect and and someone who won't judge them, will soften and will learn. There are also these animalistic dinosaurs and I should've known they would do this. These people often have no emotional maturity whatsoever, and they get offended at the slightest pointing out of the fact that you're looking at their nose instead of their eyes, then they spew that nonsense that changes much more than their insecurities.

They talk about women like they are property with changeable legal privileges and they can take them away with a kick spank like they're a five-year-old playing at the adult's work desk who is sent to time-out. They say they shouldn't swear because they need to be good. They think women need to be pretty and submissive and nice and serving to them, then they laugh and get angry when people lose their shit and ask why they hate women so fucking much, because they're infuriating. They can't see their inner hatred towards women, and that makes me wonder who hurt them. They're literally narcissists and psychopaths, no sociopaths.

Not that I care at this point. The things they said to me. They were insolent and nasty. They can fix their own shit. And it was funny - I had to talk to them like literal children and they still said mean things in Circle Time! Haha!

I did find they have a strong attraction to authority and they know what they want. Good for them! We love that! The issue is how they selectively decide who to make their half-figurative political god based on what they saw in childhood or what Mommy and Daddy told them to do and say. I suspect these people were the kind of people with strict parents who denied them humanity and they learned to pass it on to feel better.

These people need someone close to them to help them learn. They need a kind, gentle, and a mostly brave hand to hold theirs and look into their eyes, and talk to the inner child who wants people to be happy. Everyone has one. Those people had one, except Mommy and Daddy and Society and Church and Rape Culture told them the women weren't real people with real opinions, and that inner child went to sleep one day because they got tired of it all.

One good thing I learned from them was how to be asserted into something. Their confidence was blinding, because they're fools. Their security in themselves, although stemming from a fascist place, helped me rekindle it. Not saying you should talk to them. They assume everything is a fight, as in a literal and physical, beat up, fight.

So that's your fairytale for today. I'm going to caffeinate and get ready for my interview for this coding boot camp I've been staring at. I'm so excited. I can finally make my career better now that I'm clean. Slowly.

[pfhwrittes]

twenty questions for fic writers!

tagged by @391780

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

13 (until i pull my head out of my arse and crosspost the rest of my little drabbles)

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

22,705

3. what fandoms do you write for?

i've published some call of duty fics and i'm scribbling away at a passenger (2024) fic

4. top five fics by kudos

the aftermath, sentinel, theft and exhibition, "romance" in the age of technology and fill me, feel me.

5. do you respond to comments?

i try! i'm terrified of my emails so i only notice i have comments if i actively check my ao3 inbox though

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hmm, probably creeping normality

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

definitely chasing this bittersweet feeling

8. do you get hate on fics?

nope! which is probably a combination of not being a very prolific writer and the fact that my ao3 is locked down (and has been for a while) so only logged in members can see my fics

9. do you write smut?

yes >:)

10. craziest crossover:

i don't really have any crossovers...?

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge and i hope it never happens

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

nope, but it would be very nice if someone ever did!

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

does it count if i don't really "write" as much as yell ideas at my favourite people and cause them to despair? but as a more serious answer, i've never co-written a fic but i do have a long standing original work that i'm sort of co-writing with my friend jay (jay if you ever see this, i promise i'll come back to it. i love you)

14. all time favorite ship?

it's been a long time since i engaged with anything to do with marvel aside from liking the odd gifset but stevebucky will always be my number one. always.

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

look it might take me years, the fandom may have moved on or shrunk down to me and three other people, but i will finish my fucking wips

16. what are your writing strengths?

i've been told i have a way of setting the tone within a few sentences and dragging you all along for a quick literary romp. i'm rather proud of that!

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

i can't describe stuff for shit. and action sequences. god, i struggle with action sequences

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?

i have 0 confidence in my ability to communicate dialogue in another language. otherwise, fairly indifferent to reading dialogue in another language but that's probably because my other language skills are either so degraded (french, danish) or so juvenile (welsh) that i can't actually point out any "flaws" if i come across them

19. first fandom you wrote in?

cod modern warfare (if we ignore the notebooks i would scribble in for his dark materials)

20. favorite fic you've written?

it's a solid tie between chasing this bittersweet feeling, "romance" in the age of technology and Room 28

no pressure tags for: anyone that wants to share, is currently mildly sleep deprived, or has more than 100 unread emails

[thirdeyeblue]

Don’t mean to be intrusive but why do you engage with tenrose and rose haters?? All these tenm/rtha fans that you’ve been reblogging slander Ten, Rose and their relationship. And they pretend to support 9/Rose to not look so bad, but it’s sheer hypocrisy, they are straight up Rose antis in disguise and you can tell that because they always say they love “s1 Rose specifically” (which usually it’s said by people who hate Rose but don’t want to look bad, so they come up with that ‘I used to love Rose in s1 but she became so selfish, annoying and awful in s2’), then they call tenrose ‘shallow’ and ‘forced’, ‘downgrade from Nine/Rose’, ‘irritating’ etc. It’s also not rare to see them mocking Tentoo by calling him “a clone”, and dishing TentooRose. Don’t mind you liking the ship, but its fanbase don’t deserve our attention.

First of all, I apologize for the lengthy thought vomit in advance — I just woke up!

To be 100% honest with you, I’m such a casual Tumblr user that I’m a bit of a sweet summer child, here. 98% of my fandom engagement happens on Discord. 😅 I have occasional days that I might scroll for 15-20 minutes, but it’s usually more like a few minutes, if at all. This website stresses me out, makes me insecure, etc.

My point is: I don’t actually know any of the assorted tumblr beefs floating around, and I don’t really care. I try to avoid “anti discourse” like the plague if I do (see above: stresses me out)— So if I’ve been reblogging haters, it’s gone right over my head, because I just don’t think about it. It’s one of those “if I don’t see it, then whatever” things. I’d rather just be kind to everyone unless I’m given a reason not to (e.g. someone being a piece of shit to one of my friends)(which I probably wouldn’t have seen anyway).

Also… I’m not the most prolific person or anything. I don’t have a lot of followers, I came to game late, etc, so I didn’t necessarily think anyone cared one way or another what I was posting? For real, I feel a bit invisible on Tumblr most of the time 😂 I didn’t realize anyone would look twice at me reblogging something from an apparent “hater” when they can obviously look at my page and figure out what I’m really about. I’ve got a petition to bring back Tentoo, FFS, obviously I don’t deliberately subscribe to any anti-TenRose nonsense.

I’ve been told by a friend (one who is far more enmeshed in Tumblr than I am) that most T/M shippers hate Rose. So inherently, yes, I’m aware of that much — and realize that if I get one of the “based on your likes!” posts from someone who is clearly out there shipping that pairing specifically, they probably don’t care for my actual OTP… But if I’m reblogging something by one of these people with these blissful blinders on, I’d much rather look at it like “perhaps they’ll realize not all T/R girls are bad, and they’ll be nicer to them” as opposed to “I’m engaging with haters”.

Anyway — apologies if I upset you by supporting these people who’ve bummed you to anyone else out 💖 That wasn’t my intention, all I ever wanna do is spread love.

PS: The whole T/M subject is already a hairy one for me, because I didn’t even ship them at all (and I mean at all) until I was well into writing a fic about them. It just sort of happened organically/accidentally, and then I was like “Shit.” That being said, if you see my posts, you can probably tell that I’m extremely selective about what T/M stuff I do share here. I try not to reblog anything too shippy of them, because I do know my audience, even if it’s not a huge audience. My focus was always more “don’t reblog super romantic shit”, not “don’t reblog that user specifically”. If that makes sense. 😅

[beardedmrbean]

Hi, read up on the African forums…..have these people travel across the USA and interact with the locals much less African ones?

Also I can tell they are mainly boomers and gen x, but I heard in Michelle Obama autobiography she went to Africa think she could get ancestral connections…then quickly realize she was a foreigner like every white person

That’s another thing, y’all think you’re Harry Potter or Wakanda real? It’s been centuries

We only started to locally interact with them in 60’s due immigration. And we only know what Hollywood or rich people wanted to show Africa is like

You know in the late 00’s-2010’s there was this attempt to “globalized” media for all…which expose the American centric

Ugh one character I like been getting “Americanized” and people been saying “He finally acting like a real kid!” Aka they changing him into a generic middle class American idea of a child

Which is irrating because as you know I’m an autistic adhd zoomer…and my generation behavior on Tik Tok shows how we’re worlds apart

Though when pick up the same toxicity your abusive stepmom had with feminists…

But yeah the globalized push in media act push for me to identify with America more…I think Rowling trying to flesh out the American wizards stuff starting my awareness

And Africans complaints about Wakanda

But women king is probably my breaking point

“Oh Hollywood finally done something being slavery for African history that fine-wait they were some of the most prolific slaves traders in human history and only stop after the French kick their asses in 1892?”

“Oh shit that wrong I hope it can’t get that-DA FUCK YOU MEAN AFRICAN AMERICANS HAVE A HORRIFIC CONNECTION TO THEM THAT DNA ANCESTRY RESEARCH CONFIRMED?!”

Sorry I’m LIVID how I wasn’t told about the dna ancestry idea until Hollywood (the left in particular) show how truly fuck up their perceptions of history is.

Hmm sorry second essay anon soon

Hi, read up on the African forums…..have these people travel across the USA and interact with the locals much less African ones?

Not really I don't think, how funny would that be tho, get delegations from the major US population centers together for cultural exchange, be bad enough trying to get the boroughs of NYC to come to agreements.

Also I can tell they are mainly boomers and gen x, but I heard in Michelle Obama autobiography she went to Africa think she could get ancestral connections…then quickly realize she was a foreigner like every white person

Ya there was a big wave of pan african sentiment in the 90's big push happening, Spike Lee movies were playing a part in that, specifically Malcolm X, as well as musical acts like The Fugees, Lauren Hill of The Fugees, DeLa Soul, Tribe Called Quest, many others who's names slip my mind, as opposed to now most of that that I can recall was about embracing yourself and your history but not a lot of anger towards others, well the Malcolm X movie got some angries but for the most part.....

Lot of people did the pilgrimage to the motherland and were sorely disappointed, wonder how Akon's thing is going.........

Ugh one character I like been getting “Americanized” and people been saying “He finally acting like a real kid!” Aka they changing him into a generic middle class American idea of a child

I have to wonder who the world would hate for being self centered and arrogant about everything if it weren't for the US, honestly though not a 'oh it'd be France or the UK' thing, who has the cultural and economic clout to manage that level of arrogance, probably China.

“Oh Hollywood finally done something being slavery for African history that fine-wait they were some of the most prolific slaves traders in human history and only stop after the French kick their asses in 1892?”

UK was the first major world power to outlaw slavery and they use the PaxBritanica to try to enforce it globally, at least on the seas since they were the world police before the US got the job post WW1, they sank their economy into the toilet to purchase the freedom of a whole lot of people in the process too.

Reparations were paid when the equivalent of billions of pounds to purchase the freedom for those people, didn't finish paying it off till like 2015, then they incurred even more expenses to stop more people from being sold, meanwhile certain African kingdoms were raking in the cash selling people.

Be why the 'my brother in Christ we already paid you for them' line when some African countries started in on the reparations train was so funny.

“Oh shit that wrong I hope it can’t get that-DA FUCK YOU MEAN AFRICAN AMERICANS HAVE A HORRIFIC CONNECTION TO THEM THAT DNA ANCESTRY RESEARCH CONFIRMED?!” Sorry I’m LIVID how I wasn’t told about the dna ancestry idea until Hollywood (the left in particular) show how truly fuck up their perceptions of history is.

information is king, now to get people to learn that information

Hmm sorry second essay anon soon

I look forward to it, might be going to a Maunday Thursday service so I may or may not get to it today.

[girldraki]

hi i went thru the [looking at yalls ocs on artfight] -> [reading the weedsmp lorepost] pipeline again and i am dying to know about what people think about weedsmp. like in universe i mean. what do the fans Think Of It All... i know theres anomalous stuff but does like the foundation and such exist? what do they think of this Large Online Thing With Anomalous TiesTM. what's the wildest fan discourse. what do the smp members think of the fandom. sorry if this is a lot

oh my god we drafted this ask and then forgot it existed entirely. dies

the foundation doesn’t exist yet because the hypothetical o5 council are busy playing minecraft, every other goi is running though

the fanbase is actually largely non anomalous for purely statistical reasons; once it breached containment (lol) from the mostly anomalous audiences of the involved streamers it just kind of kept going in that direction

^ non anomalous fans are acting under the assumption all anomalous information is improvised lore and discuss it as such. On a unrelated note, about half of mekhanite twitter fucking hates jo weedchamp (for reasons unrelated to his deepseated heresy that is)

due to the previous bullet point, everyone knows founder/arron/ofholyclockwork says slurs and is mad about this. Even though. They are not quite sure what said slurs are

the fans are very enthusiastic and very prolific and completely wrong about probably 70% of the information surrounding: what the streamers are like as people, the dynamics and characters of the roleplay, almost all of the anomalous stuff, more we’re forgetting

the streamers basically all have different individual opinions on the above. jo is pretty lenient because at least everyone is having fun

final note: i don’t know if this made it in the lore posts or character bios but jo took like several real life months to realize anyone on the server was roleplaying, promptly told arron “oh i’m so glad i thought you really did hate me for heresy” and was immediately met with a flat What. No i do

[donnerpartyofone]

I maybe hate having friends.

God so this friend of mine is coming to town and he wants to meet up, and like...it's one of those things where I don't want to, but expressing that would be more complicated than it's actually worth. I barely have to see him even once or twice a year, so it's better to just suck it up and play nice for a couple hours of my life now and then, than it is to declare a war that all of our mutual friends of many years will have to be informed about so they understand the new boundaries, and people might feel like they have to pick sides, because the friend in question is the most prolific gossip I've ever known, and people are inclined to believe him because he's always so nice to everyone's face. Nobody really knows how hard it is to live with him unless, you know, you've had to live with him.

I could go into a whole diatribe about our 20 year friendship, and my bad behavior versus his bad behavior, and how my psychic damage fed into our inevitable fight versus how his psychic damage fed it, but the key point is this:

When I started having problems with him, I made multiple attempts to have a rational, compassionate conversation to gain some understanding. Every time I said something he found uncomfortable, which tended to happen almost immediately, he would completely clam up and stare at me like a haunted painting no matter what I did or said until I just had to give up and leave the room because it was so fucking eerie. And then one day when our college reunion was coming up, and I was supposed to pick up our friend who was coming from across the country to travel with me, and then we'd all be staying in the fucking woods together for three days at our old school--the night before this was supposed to happen, he called me up out of the blue and screamed at me about everything I'd ever done to annoy him for the last 15 years. He actually said something like, "I know I could have just talked to you about this before and we could have worked things out, but I didn't, SO--" and then he unloaded this stuff that either didn't happen the way he said it did, or didn't happen at all in some cases, i.e. the time he claimed I protected a girlfriend-beater (a guy I always hated) from being exposed and stopped, for some fucking reason he couldn't provide. (?!?!?!) And like I couldn't prove anything of course, and actually I don't think he believed most of this stuff either, because his stated goal was salvaging our friendship, and why would ANYONE want a friend as evil as he said I was? But I couldn't refuse to participate in this nonsense and strand my friend and lose the money I put down on the whole weekend and not get to see anybody and not celebrate this milestone and risk a whole expanded political situation with everyone we knew, and like...I just apologized, for whatever the fuck he wanted. I couldn't see another way through, and it became clear that he had told all of our friends his "facts" before talking to me so everyone was sitting in the audience waiting for me to surrender and repent, and it was VERY strategic of him to do this to me in this exact way, when it was clear that I couldn't defend myself without creating a huge amount of trouble for myself.

So because I gave in, he's been walking around thinking about how he's this avenging angel who laid low the beast i.e. me, and he's like such a pure-hearted hero for saving our friendship, and thus I've been just carefully staying in character whenever I have to talk to him or about him so he doesn't do something even more fucked up to me when he finds out I don't consider him my friend anymore. But like I do not trust him at all, not one little bit, and I'm wondering if I can just be "out of town" when he's here.

[thepro-lifemovement]

Hello! I just came out to my followers that I'm pro-life and Catholic. When you started your blog did it start out as this or as a blog for other stuff? Also, when you first received hate mail, how did you cope with it? How did you deal with them?

Hello! I made this side blog back in August 2014. I was starting my senior year in high school and president of my private school's Pro-Life club. I had another high school friend run this blog with me, but I don't think she posts anything on here anymore. I started this blog with the intention of being a place to learn more from other pro-life blogs and a place to share those pro-life posts. I made the mistake of combining my religion with my reblogs and an Athiest pro-lifer sent me an angry ask saying I was insulting those who aren't religious in the pro-life movement. Since then I keep my pro-life stance secular here. I do follow a lot of religious pro-life blogs, so I have since made a disclaimer that I sometimes reblog from that, but in my arguments I keep it very secular. You can argue against abortion with your religion, but for many pro-choice people who aren't religious, they will assume you're only pro-life because you're religious.

As funny as it is, I really hate conflict and I don't like people angry with me. I'm a people pleaser. When I was a high school senior, the hate mail used to make me mad, and I wouldn't respond to it. With abortion being a very hot topic recently, I used to get a ton of hate mail. I turned off anon to discourage people from sending cowardly hate just to be spiteful. I still get some, but now I can report them and block them. It's not healthy for people to be obsessively hating on people like some do. I usually just delete messages that say really horrible things. I will answer if they try to open a discussion with me, even if they are writing with angry emotions. Following a ton of different prolife blogs can help you with understanding how to answer some of the questions you may get asked. It's okay to ask others for help and admit you're not sure on how to answer certain questions. As you are a Catholic, if you receive hate mail, pray for them. It's what they want least, but what they need most. As a pro-lifer, just be compassionate. The people that send hate mail are people who are being told by the media that women will die without abortion. They are told we need abortion. They forget how strong and capable women are. They are also mislead to think unborn children aren't living human beings. Just keep that in mind if you get sent angry messages. Sorry this is so long. In your responses, be kind, be factual, and be direct. I hope this helps!

-Sarah

[skaylanphear]

Hi there! Do you have any advice on improving traction towards a fanwork/fic? I love writing—and it's not for notoriety by any means—but having validation and feedback also feels nice (I hope that's not conceited). What would you recommend to someone without a large audience/follower base? I do "advertise" on tumblr when my work is written/updated on AO3. How did your journey start? Thank you!

This is an interesting question and I doubt most people are going to like the answers, but here we go:

So, first and foremost, you need to be realistic about why you're creating in the first place. If you're doing work in a fandom that is older, where content has stopped coming out, or that is simply smaller, you're not going to get much engagement, period. There will, of course, be activity in these fandoms, but it will be far less and the people involved—while they may view your work—will be less likely to comment/spread it around simply because there's not much going on. So if you're creating in that sort of environment (which can be a really good environment if you're looking for something chill with no pressure), then you have to be prepared for low engagement, even if the people you do meet and who are willing to talk about your work are more regularly in your sphere. You can probably make better/closer friends in these sorts of fandoms, if you're willing to try.

But, on the other end of this, if you're coming into a huge fandom late, it's also going to be harder to wade through the massive following to get your stuff out there. For example, in both the Miraculous and Sk8 fandom, I started work pretty early on, when the shows were still gaining traction, and so my "name" as a creator gained traction parallel to that growth, as opposed to when I started writing in the Voltron fandom. With Voltron, I came in super late and so what few fics I had that did gain traction took a lot longer to get there because people already had their fav content creators in the fandom, etc. It's not impossible to get popular in this situation—far from it—but it does take longer.

You'll also benefit from having finished works early on in a fandom's lifespan, at least with writing. This is because there's less competition for views and so more people will be filtered to your work, initially. This means that you have a better chance of getting those comments and kudos. Having a finished work increases this engagement because people look for finished works before works in progress. Generally, the length of a fic doesn't matter much for popularity, so long as it's DONE. When I was writing in the ML fandom, quite a few of my earlier fics were shorter, and they compete in popularity with my longer fics, because people care more about having a finished story, not a long story. That's why when it came to Only Practice Makes Perfect in the Sk8 fandom, I worked hard to get that shit done, because it was the most popular story I had in the fandom and I decided—like an idiot—to make it a long fic. Which, yeah, means people probably love it/remember it more in the long run, but if I hadn't finished it in 2 to 3 months, I'd have lost considerable traction as far as making a name within the fandom.

This leads into one of the most important points, if not THE MOST IMPORTANT point in gaining an audience—consistency. If you do want to be a successful creator, you Have To Be Consistent. This is the most difficult hurdle for all creators, and it is oftentimes impossible to make happen. If you want to aim for professionalism, which a lot of fandom creators don't care about (which is fine), then consistency is how you get there. Nobody wants to read a fic or follow an artist who doesn't stick to creating what they start (RIP all my unfinished works and the people who left me as a result, LOL). Using my most recent works as an example, I very, very, very consistently updated Only Practice Makes Perfect multiple times a week. To the point where people got comfortable expecting it, which is the key variable here. When people become comfortable that you will regularly create content, they not only stick around, but will be more interactive with you and your work. Nobody likes the disappointment of getting involved with a work only for that work to rarely get updates. Most people don't have the attention span to care. I'll admit, if I read a fic that's not finished and the writer takes one week to update, then one week, then THREE weeks, I probably will, like, forget about it. That's just life.

The best thing you can do is schedule. And again, this is the HARDEST thing to do, because it holds the creator to a deadline. Most people who create in fandoms don't want that kind of pressure—and that's fine. I go back and forth on when I have scheduled releases and when I don't, depending on what I'm aiming to do. But if you to retain your audience, telling them that you will update a work regularly on such and such a day and such and such a time, it creates something for them to remember. If they're invested in your work, they will think, "oh, it's Friday, that means such and such is coming out with something new." But, with that in mind, you also have to commit to a schedule that people will remain invested in. Which basically means you can't put things out more than a week away from each other, unless you're really, really famous, lol. If I told people I was going to go on a two week update schedule, I would lose most of my audience. But a week is long enough for people to both still remember and anticipate. That's just how the scheduling of the world works. And if you're an artist that's working on a big project, then you have to share progress, or pieces of what you're doing on a regular basis. That's what generates "buzz" and keeps you relevant. And, yeah, that's a really hard schedule to commit to, because it's a lot of work. BUT this consistency is where you see people being successful. Popular youtubers may not have gained their popularity by being consistent, but most sure do retain it that way. And again, there are outlying exceptions, but they generally ARE exceptions.

Speaking of hard work, here's probably the second hardest thing to accomplish—you have to be prolific. Especially as a writer. You have to write A LOT if you want to gain an audience. And yeah, that means you have to work, a lot. I love my work, so I enjoy that "grind," and I also have developed a lot of strategies to work around writer's block and every other obstacle that tends to catch people up. I work in a very professional manner—I do outlines, and drafts, and plan. I do a lot of stuff that people who do this kind of thing for fun can't be bothered with (and that's fine), but that's because I find it to be what works best in creating an efficient environment. I'm also very, very NOT lazy, lol. I was raised in an environment where you have to work for everything that you want. My parents didn't buy me my first computer, or snowboard, or what have you. We were tight on money and if I wanted something, they couldn't help me—I had to get that shit on my own. And I also grew up on a farm, where hard work was a staple of how you did things. You did things the right way, even if it was the hard way. You can't cut corners and it's the same with this. If you want it, you have to actually do the work, that's it. Some people get lucky with popularity, most don't. Most famous actors didn't become well-known off their first efforts, they had to keep trying and keep working and then they have to continue to do that to stay relevant. So if that doesn't sound great to you, then you might want to not focus on your audience and just create because you enjoy it, lol. Sometimes that's what I do too, when I don't wanna deal with the pressure.

Moving on, here's another point that nobody is going to like. Simply put, you also have to be good at what you do. I think some people don't realize that I've been writing fic for over fifteen years. I currently have nearly 2 millions words worth of fics on AO3 and that doesn't include a majority of the stuff I've ever written. I practice A LOT. I write every day. And I'll tell ya, when I started out in middle school, my stuff was not good. But I worked hard, I ignored the hate, and I kept going. That is the only way you will ever get better at anything. There's no quick way to become a better writer, or artist. And a vast majority of people are only going to pay attention to your stuff if it's quality work. Getting to that point is a process, on top of then creating stuff that fits into popular molds. Not only am I good at what I do (and I don't care how arrogant that sounds—I've worked my ass off), but when it comes to fandoms, I rarely write "rare pairs" and "crack ships." Generally, if it's popular, that's where I am. That makes a big difference and I honestly don't have sympathy for people who write rare pairs and such and then complain about lack of engagement. You knew what you were getting into (it's mostly the Miraculous fandom that gave me this bitterness). If you're not writing what people WANT to read, then your audience is simply going to be smaller. And that audience doesn't owe you their attention, no matter how frustrating it is or how good your work is. I could be the best writer in the world, but if I'm writing RekixCherry fic, I have nobody to blame but myself when nobody reads it. BUT if that's your passion, and writing a certain unpopular thing makes you happy, then, again, you need to not be concerned with traction and your audience.

The last point I'll make is that it matters HOW you present yourself online. A good chunk of the well-known creators in any fandom are, simply put, older people. And those that aren't, and are able to connect with those older creators, have generally created a bubble around themselves of maturity and, like, of being nice, lol. A lot of creators are skittish these days, and if you're an asshole (anti) or fight a lot over stupid shit, you may get a bigger audience, but you will isolate yourself from other creators. And this is important because oftentimes it is your exposure to other creators that will get your work circulating. The reason I got popular in the ML fandom? I wrote a short angst fic and a really popular artist shared it/talked about it and the rest was history. But if I'd had a habit of being an asshole, probably wouldn't have happened. And, granted, I'm not saying don't voice your opinions, but if you're loud all the time, it does turn people off. Especially creators because they are oftentimes the ones being attacked. They don't want to pull more of that negative bullshit into their lives. I'll admit, when I was in the ML fandom, I was down for a fight, but then that's what people came to expect, and it probably did turn others off, and then when I didn't fight, or didn't think the way my audience thought I should, it, again, turned people off. It's really not worth it unless being that type of person IS your platform.

So, that's all the advice I can give, I suppose. And even if you do all this stuff, that still doesn't mean you're going to be popular. At the end of the day, the thing that I stick to is this—I do what I want, I love what I do, and I work hard. If I'm in a position to worry about all that other stuff, then sure, I do, but otherwise… There's no easy way to become popular and, quite frankly, it's better to just "live" working hard and being a decent person than it is to focus on all this bullshit. I've created a working environment where I function within these "points" quite naturally, so it's not something I think about (except for schedules, lol). Sometimes I get popular in fandoms, sometimes I don't. At the end of the day, it comes down to how much work you're willing to do, because you will always be giving more than you are getting back, so you have to at least enjoy what you're doing.

Seriously, just do it because you love it. And if the pressure of everything above is something you don't love (I like a good, high pressure situation, lol), then don't do it that way—it's not worth the grief.

[akookminsupporter]

One of the most prolific and popular 'tea' givers on quora (many thousands of people avidly read and believed what she peddled) who claimed to be

A. Namjoon's cousin

B. Korean

C. A dancer who worked in the industry and was an ex trainee

D. Best friends with a famous female idol

C. A LOT of other lies

... and was eventually revealed to be a middle aged woman white woman. (I won't get into details but they were basically doxxed, with proof and pictures etc. Doxxing this person was wrong and shouldn't ever be done. It also seemed like this person was in some pain and dealing with mobility issues. You don't do something like this if you are a happy human being. She has my sympathy. Maybe some would say that makes me weak I don't know).

The prolonged nature and depth of the deception indicates that this is a person who is obviously dealing with mental issues. But they were not unintelligent. Far from it. Their quora answers were usually quite articulate. They used a lot of background information from Koreaboo articles and the like, then laced that with 'insider info' that apparently Namjoon and BH were just OK with her sharing (ok...). Sometimes their claims were truly outlandish (ie. She said she was shot at in North Korea, and told A LOT of contradicting details about her life). Her responses to people who questioned her claims were often rude and smug. There seemed to be a lot of accounts, sock puppets maybe, that trolled the internet and rushed to her defence when people expressed concern for how big she was getting.

One of the things she always insisted on was how resolutely STRAIIIIGHT all of the members were. She even wrote about 'how upset' Jimin was that people thought he was gay. The scary thing is that literally thousands of people believed this quora person was being confided in by Jimin about his sexuality. She also said a lot of other things that were baseless and hateful (clearly targeting certain girl group members etc). People like this get a lot of fulfillment from making themselves important on the internet. In cases like this it may be a coping mechanism of some kind. But that does not excuse the lies and malice. Lies were always presented as facts from a close friend of BTS. It was all so obviously fake. But a lot of young, or impressionable people believed and still do.

My point is: beware of all 'tea' givers. If I wanted to, I could go on twitter, quora or curious cat right now and start rumours. I can talk fancy and make that shit sound realistic. I promise you that. I could throw in just enough hard to find info to make me seem like I am in on stuff. I could say 'I used to work for JYP, or 'my cousin works as a Hybe publicist', 'I'm friends with a member of an unnamed GG'. Don't fall for it.

Tbh I would question anyone who believes something they read on quora to begin with, especially if it is "gossip".

As I said in one of the previous asks, some people are very good at telling a... lie or making you believe that a fallacy is true. They are good at presenting opinions as facts. And unfortunately there are many people who believe it. Hey, there's a reason politicians still exist. 

There is also the problem as I also said in another ask, that these people say exactly what some people want to hear or read. And that's why they become popular, that's why so many people follow them. And that is dangerous and sad. 

[misterbitches]

hi! this is long as shit i’m sorry. i hope it makes sense. i ahve adhd and like 5 million learning disorders so this is just word vomit cos there’s so many words in my brain. my b.

i’ve had such a tough day so thank you for replying and sharing! @yeedak​ 

i was thinking about what i wrote and i meant to clarify that as well. some cases are fine for both parties and it’s not like you weren’t consenting and it seems like you were happy! same with my friend who was dating a 20 yr old. if they’re happy you know i’ll clown on ‘em but yea. so for anyone that sees these posts your relationship with your partner who is older or whatever. i’m some dumb girl on the internet okay. ill side eye older ppl tho

i think a lot of people feel the same way you do now (me included.) it feels really good at the time but alter we can see the dynamics playing out. i’m 29 now and i think aging is just such a huge process. it’s wild how you at 31 are a totally different person, right?

and the US racism is probably some of the worst ever in its iteration because of slavery which started from europe etc but USA is so fucking unique bc of columbus bringing slaves here and displacing indigenous peoples or hispanola and because america is so influential the way it views race, particularly with black people as objects, has so deeply permeated into the current historical psyche globally. it’s fascinating to track how necessary anti blackness is to the flourishing of america but also the world at this point. also want to point out how fuckign scary sinophobia is here especially for covid. one is a straight historical line (black ppl + the US) and the other had to be manufactured and to continue to exploit the non-white americans and keep antiblackness in tact.i could go on about this all day. the pain of this place is immense.yet as bad as it is here, this is still the only place i truly feel safe as a black person. because of the unique experience we have in america and through the diaspora especially because we are veyr much ocncentrated here. it would be nice to like move to norway and have some alleviation financially or get free healthcare it’s just not feasible if no one looks like me. it’s fucking tough. 

i hope you don’t hate it here though and people treat you with respect. but as you know being a woman and jewish and an immigrant....shit is tough. the USA is a hellhole. :( america is so deeply tainted and desperately bad because it was founded on strife and blood and there’s no way to reverse that and what this country did in turn when it gained enough power and could capitalize off of the colonial forefathers. this is why we hsould all luv revolution!!!

HOWMEVERRRR 

boy oh boy oh BOY OH BOYYYYYYYY. well wlecome to the world of BL lmao especially as an adult with some obviously deep perspective just given your background. it is a fucking mess and it’s a hard mess to like but it pulls you in. i approach it like i do with soap operas since these are essentially telenovelas, you know? just like the drama at a billion. but the tricky part of that is like....what parts of it do we understand for critiquing? because so many of the shows are so bad at being like good pieces of things to look at just production wise and story wise. but i feel like these shows ask us to take them seriously, so why shouldn’t we take the content seriously? and this is being primarily peddled to young girls. 

i bring this up often but i read this thing about yaoi and the interest younger women/girls have in BL and its fascination with pederasty essentially. this component i think is key when we talk about who gets affected by these things the most. society in general is bad 4 girls bla bla we know lmao but in “more sexually conservative” societies it may be harder for these girls to feel safe even expressing normal emotions romantically and sexually and particularly with guys. some people hypothesized, and i think i agree with this hypothesis, that they can live through the casualness of BL. they don’t feel threatened because they can put themselves into the shoes of the other character. oftentimes, the more feminine or the younger. this was in conjunction with the age gap aspect (they say pederasty as well because there’s unethical age gaps that r gross and that is indeed what we would at least call a touch of sexual abuse if people dont feel like calling it an obsession with youth and power and uhhh young ppl and perhaps kids) where maybe girls could see themselves in these situations as the person being saved, loved, taken care of, and sadly also sexually active and penetrated. 

i think that’s just one aspect of it but i do think there’s validity in who gravitates towards it. i cannot imagine seeing this stuff and not getting enough information as a young kid, i sure as fuck know i didn’t!, and seeing these things and you look at it with 0 critique because you’re young and you may have no interest in it or you simply cannot understand what is wrong. no one is teaching you these things and these shows confirm it. and it is wild how intrinsic patriarchy is to BL although in its existence it also can’t be in line with patriarchy given the nature of two [cis] men!

it begs the question about the replacement aspect. is it just so girls can put themselves in these characters shoes? if so then that means we believe that gender is so interchangeable within our relationships and interactions and that doesn’t seem right. there’s more to lgbtq+ than just existing; it’s finding ways to communicate, finding a family, safety, your people, being a free person. there’s a lot to gain and a lot a lot to lose. and a gay man is also not a woman because those are also two distinct experiences.  especially in societies that have a more hidden aspect to sexuality (idk how to word this bc the BL industry would NEVER survive in america but in a way there’s a more “progressive” look at homosexuality but it’s still fucked up because we live in a Society, you know? at the same time look at what we are doing to trans kids. literally waging war so it’s bonkers how we all collectively have some real progress happening but at the same time not at all. the concept of ‘ladyboys’ and the frequency we see trans people in thai shows is wild and something that we absolutely do not see here in the US. still, none of these groups feel safe or are getting better material conditions in either place. we just show the ways we can try and tolerate oppression witout eliminating it imo)

to me it is clear: it’s money. which most things exist to make money so. but also who is the audience for these shows? and they have to market towards them. all that said all hope is not lost there are some decent shows. it’s just like regular media on TV though where it’s so fucking saturated as an industry that it’s literally sifting through garbage. and there are some days when you can handle the trash and others where it really fucking hurts to watch the violence, the rape, the manipulation, the violations, the stupid messaging. i have never seen more people trying to do mental gymnastics and seeing if things were “technically rape” than in teh BL fandom and that is so fucking sad.

i came into these shows at 28 with almost 0 clue of what as media BL was like esp as media that countries can use as soft power with the revenue. but i realize like...i’m 29 now and so many people don’t have a sizeable, though not huge, amount of life experience. and i wonder for people on the internet who are usually searching for something if they spend so much time on it like what a 15 year old girl thinks. what a 20 year old girl thinks. 

it is incredibly problematic and so awful but there’s also some rewards. if you haven’t i would definitely watch i told sunsset about you which i don’t think i’m going to finish and i doubt i’ll watch the second installment (watch this be a lie) but when i say some fucking impeccable storytelling and art? phew. now that is a fucking piece of media that works. it takes from moonlight heavily and you can see like...the artistic dedication is there and the story makes its world and sets up its stakes extremely well. 

i think because this is marketed towards much younger people too they know they dont have to try as hard. but they SHOULD because then you can have a fucking masterpiece like that. i think even this prolific gay thai filmmaker (who is like solidly against the government) who is so respected (and who i like a lot! if u wanna know i can tell u lmao but the films are very uhhhhhhhh “artsy”) would like i told sunset about you. i wish more people had budget like that and also just cared about the stories. it’s the fucking magic of art to figure out what you can do but there is very little incentive honestly. idk i am very pessimistic. there are days when it’s really a great pick me up and distraction but it is never a place i would love for to feel seen or heard but i’m more of the mind of i never trust the mainstream until they prove me wrong ;) 

or i never trust the mainstream and i still buy into it anyway and then cry when i don’t like what i see adn i yell “BOO GET OFF THE STAGE!” when an old man won’t leave a teenager alone

[thechampagnecircus]

Monday, Monday

In the words of Loverboy,  Everybody’s workin’ for the weekend.   While that is true, I try to abide by the philosophy that everyday is special.  Everyday has a story.  Given the schedule that my family and I have, the weekends are definitely the highlight. The headliner, the crème de la crème, the tops. They are filled with the pleasure of social get-togethers, the ease of relaxation, cheat meals, spontaneity, champagne, and shenanigans.  Therefore, those Friday nights and Saturdays are cherished and delightfully anticipated.  But that doesn’t mean that the rest of the week has to be a total snooze fest, debbie downer slog.  There is just a hierarchy. That is reality.  The enticing mirage of the weekend in the desert of an otherwise boring, busy or hard week can absolutely keep us motivated.  But the truth be told, every day is a blessing.  I have found that the best way to avoid feeling in a rut, is planning, scheduling and getting organized.  I know you are probably trembling with excitement over such a statement, but hear me out.  

My eyes slowly open as the last whisper of the weekend slips away into memory and it’s Monday morning.  The most hated of all week days. This makes me feel bad for some reason as if a day of the week can feel sad or bullied.  I don’t care how many influencers, beachbody coaches, or new age pushers I hear saying Mondays are a clean slate, a new day, I love Mondays -I don’t buy it.  HOWEVER, it has turned into my day to organize the week, which I do enjoy.  There is still that disheartening feeling of the weekend being far off in the distance.  It reminds me of clips in movies where someone looks down a hallway only for it to grow longer and longer, like a loop they cannot close.  But the irony and truth is, as the day progresses that daunting perception in fact, gets smaller and smaller.  

I make my breakfast; egg whites, rice cakes with peanut butter and honey, and some fruit.  The Nespresso is revving up like a spaceship getting ready to launch into oblivion.  The frothy coffee begins to slip into the cup below, releasing the intoxicating smell of mocha and my brain is eager for those first sips.  Besides champagne, coffee is the second nectar of the gods. The yin and yang of coffee and wine, truly do balance out this girl’s world. Once the machine has finished its magical brew of caffeinated delight, I grab my favorite mug that is now warm with hope.  All you middle aged people know what I mean.  You have a favorite stove burner, pan, spatula, cutlery, etc. Don’t deny it.  Mugs are no different.  Mine is a white one with black speckles that is adorned with the emblem of a BC winery known as The Hatch.  It is reminiscent of a traditional camping mug.  It is stout and wide and perfect for a cup o’ joe.

After I have eaten, and half my java has been consumed, my synapses are now beginning to fire.  I take out my laptop to get my week in order.  I type in my password, and we are off. I have just recently evolved to a digital organizer. The stubborn old woman inside me is still a skeptic. I am very old school and a sucker for the traditional leather bound organizer that you write in, wait for it, with a PEN.  My shopping lists are still done manually, and I don’t know if that will ever change.  I’m only 35 but I can feel some crotchety and unshakeable tendencies forming already.  I own them.  The app that I use is called Opus One.  I tried a few others before settling on this one and it works great.  It is not just its functionality but also the motif of a conventional planner that sold me.  There is still the flicker of analog within me that will never die.  I do still have my physical calendar hanging on the wall, which gets some love, with jotted things here and there. However, Opus One is where I do the brunt of all my scheduling now.  

This all stems from the fact that I am a prolific note taker; always have been, always will be. I thrive on making to-do lists.  Sometimes I have to-do lists within my to-do lists like a nesting doll of agendas.  It really can get out of hand.  There is something about the act of writing everything down and mapping it out that calms even the busiest of days.  And don’t get me started on crossing things off.  It reminds me of the memes; Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever crossed every item off your to-do list? Honestly, such a great feeling.  The accomplishment, motivation and boost of productivity are invigorating.  If I am to be completely candid, even if I forget to put something I have done on my list, I will add it at the end and cross it off.  Just for good measure.  Ok, you’re probably thinking, this chick is crazy.  You might be right, but give it a try, you’ll see.  

The average week is filled with household chores, errands, appointments, workouts, family events, social engagements, writing, self care, meal planning, occasion preparations, job searches etc.  Nothing earth shattering here.  I live a wonderfully mundane yet lovely life.  Some weeks are busy and some are slow.  I relish every moment, even when I don’t realize it because I have been sucked into a negative place.  But I find the act of laying out your days ahead can focus your energy on getting things done while looking forward to the fun stuff.  We might be working for the weekend, but we aren’t living for it.  Every day is a story, embellish it.  xx

Copyright © 2021 Carly Eddy.

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Wandering around the Raindrop Park

Lately I've been feeling kinda off - I can't quite put it into words. The weird thing is, the events that happened over the past few days don't affect me directly - as in it's directly related to stuff happening to friends that have little or nothing to do with me. It's basically me being somewhat emotionally invested in someone or something even though I barely know the person. Kinda like the whole how do you miss someone you never even knew sorta thing.

Maybe part of it has to do with a lot of changes happening around the same time in the span of roughly a year or two. By that, I'm talking about a specific group of people - Jamie's entourage, to be exact. Since the entourage disbanded, everyone has still been keeping in touch for the most part. And since then, a lot of members have moved on, pursuing bigger things, working on new projects, coming a long way since the entourage days. A lot of them were just starting out back then and now here they are.

A couple weeks ago, Roselle passed away. It wasn't a surprise since she told us about her prognosis last year, but still sad nonetheless. She was a former teen idol actress and singer turned director with her own production company that she co-founded with a friend. I became a fan of her during her Amanda Savannah days, a role that shot her to stardom as a kid. Like many in her position, she had a sort of love-hate relationship with the character who made her famous.

After Amanda Savannah ended, Roselle wanted to take a break from acting to focus on college. During that hiatus, Roselle was going through a lot of changes, including being diagnosed with stage four cancer. Nearly a decade after Amanda Savannah, Roselle reemerged from the public, starting from the ground up as a director. As for acting and singing, she was willing to keep that open, but realistically, the chances of her going back to either one were slim to none.

I remember when I last hung out with Roselle, about a year ago, when we visited Windcrest Wolf, not too long after the beginning of the end. Roselle has been keeping us updated with her video diary, Business as Usual, which is basically about her final year. The end was quick for her, which is what she had hoped for, so she was able to carry on for as long as she could. In her final entry she said that she was at peace with her life and that she was ready to go, ready to see her mom again after all these years. A few days later she was gone.

That's why I'm here with Jamie and Nedra at the Raindrop Park. Well, part of the reason - there's another thing too. Another death unfortunately, one of someone who I never got to meet.

Two former entourage members, actress Nedra Aylen and stuntman Allan Townshend crossed paths due to a tragedy. Allan's cousin Stef was one of Nedra's close friends at Starling who was gravely injured in a motorcycle accident. The crash left Stef in a coma for years before passing away weeks ago, a few days after Roselle's death.

According to Nedra, Stef and Allan didn't have a good relationship as Stef was abused by his parents. I don't know Allan as well as Nedra, but he comes across as someone who's making an effort to right his wrongs. It still doesn't make up for his past actions, which he is aware of. The two visit Stef at the care center but other than that, they don't interact with each other much.

Given how different Nedra and Allan are in terms of their social circles/personality/upbringing, and such, it's unexpected that they ended up crossing paths through Jamie. Nedra's a classical actress, preferring the stage over the screen while being prolific in both. Allan does stunt work, which I don't know too much about, but basically it means he and Nedra, although they were in the same entourage, had absolutely nothing in common other than Stef.

People always talk about how important it is to form connections, especially through tragedy. You'd think that Nedra and Allan would at least be able to bond over that, but in reality, you can't always share your burdens with someone. In the case of Nedra and Allan - at least the way I see it through Nedra - them being friends won't do much with that burden they carry. That's not to say they're dealing with their problems alone - in fact, they're quite well adjusted despite the circumstances - it's just that they don't need to seek each other to help cope.

It's not that they dislike each other, it's just the fact that they're so different in such a way that forming a connection would feel forced. Nedra says they do keep in touch but other than that, they don't feel the need to keep up with each other. It's good to form connections, but sometimes there's people you just don't feel the need for a strong bond with, and that's okay.

I have a feeling that's the case with Nedra and Allan - they share a struggle but don't need to rely on each other to pull through. Sometimes it just works out like that.

Nedra believes that Allan wants to make peace with Stef, which is why he visits her regularly. Although he and Stef were never friends, they were close to coming to some sort of a truce, with Allan more likely to side with Stef than against her. After all, why would Stef decide to intervene on that fateful day when Allan backed himself into a corner? I imagine the guilt of surviving the accident as well as being the reason why it happened is what pushed Allan over the edge. Nedra says it's not up to her to forgive him for how he treated Stef, but she's willing to give him the benefit of the doubt as what he's going through is punishment enough.

Like with Roselle, Stef's death wasn't unexpected either. By then, Nedra knew that she was already long gone. She says it feels like a weight off her shoulders, the relief of knowing that Stef can finally rest in peace instead of being stuck in limbo. I can't imagine being in Stef's position, stuck to machines keeping me alive even though it's futile. I don't think I'd want to be kept alive on life support if it won't do anything except prolong the inevitable.

When I'm gone, let me go. I don't want to die a slow death where I become nothing but a husk of who I was.

Nedra stuck with her to the very end. Allan was there too but he kept his distance. The end came quickly and quietly, her heart stopped beating and that was it. She says it's been rough, but not as difficult as she thought it would be. Then again, she said she already made her peace with losing Stef so I think that helped a bit.

I can't imagine losing two friends in a short time like what Nedra's going through right now. That's why Jamie invited her along her travels so she can take some much needed time off, leading to us crossing paths at the Raindrop Park. Before coming here, Jamie and Nedra spent the weekend at the Sparkling Spa Resort, which they said they enjoyed a lot.

After the Raindrop Park they weren't sure where they were gonna go next before deciding on the camp. The timing happens to be perfect as another entourage member's gonna drop by later on along with some other friends for a fun event. It'll be good for Nedra and Jamie to see Jean again as we were talking about how she's one of the busier members.

Maybe one day I'll get Marlo to meet Jean and Nedra as she's big fans of them. She and Don are planning to come back, likely during a camp event, so maybe I can finally make her dreams come true. I told Nedra about Marlo and she's totally down for a get together with her and knowing Jean, she'll be all for it too. Now, if only we can find a date and time when all three are available...

The Raindrop Park is one of those places where it's easy to get lost in. Watching the raindrops fall is strangely mesmerizing, I can't take my eyes off them. In a way, I think it's a good thing, probably because I've had so much on my mind regarding the stuff I just mentioned, so maybe I needed to take the time to process the information. That, and of course, writing my thoughts out once I finally found the words.

Along with the mesmerizing raindrops, another thing that sticks out to me is the decor, like the benches. I really like the leafy designs of the benches and lampposts - a lot of art inspiration around here. The foliage is lovely too and the raindrops really add to the aesthetic. I'm partial to rainy days so of course I'd be drawn to something like this. The cloudy, somewhat gloomy sky seems fitting enough as well. Even though it's gray, there's still some sunlight poking through, so it's not completely dark.

The fog in my mind's clearing up a bit, even more so now that I've put my thoughts on paper. I also think being with Jamie and Nedra also helped, especially knowing that Nedra's gonna be all right. It's rough, but as she said, she's made peace with it. And as for Roselle, she was able to make the most out of the time she had left so she was able to leave with no regrets.

I hope that when the end comes for me, I can leave the world the same way Roselle did. Is that asking for too much?

[kl-writes]

One thousand words a day is too much!

How many times do you have to tell a story before it consumes you and becomes redemption? 1001.

There’s nothing funnier than being told the twentieth “only right way to do something.” Particularly when the only difference is a step there or shifting your weight here. It teaches you things about the world you never had to think about in school, where there really was only one right answer. Supposedly. At least, you could count on there being only one right way to advance. Even the more open-ended arts and literature gave way to easily-graded grammar, symbolism, setting, spelling.

At the same time, there’s nothing worse than someone who is always responsible for when the right thing happens and never responsible for when the wrong thing happens. Even if it’s subjective who’s right or wrong, a three year old can spot that pattern.

When I was eight, I caught a basketball wrong and broke my finger. When I went into the living room of my grandparents’ house to show my parents, my mom asked my dad to set it back in place. I didn’t trust him to do it in a way that wouldn’t hurt, so in my arrogance I set it back myself. So my pinky finger will always be a little bent. Maybe I should wax poetic about how I’d rather hurt myself than trust someone else and get hurt. Or maybe I was a dumb eight year old who knew it would hurt either way, but would rather risk doing it wrong than have an adult do it. I’m almost twenty-five and I still don’t trust the notion of “adults.” “Adults” are awful people.

In middle school, my friend R- and I talked about keeping our middle names secret so that we couldn’t be True Name’d or impersonated. We shared our middle names readily. We worried about our parents, who already knew our middle names. It wasn’t a very good secret.

I would get frustrated with myself in middle school for not having the drive to finish knitting a simple scarf. I made a few bookmarks and coasters. I never considered that maybe the problem was that knitting was boring. These days, I have no issue finishing scarves, so long as the knitting is accompanied by a particularly long and dry class.

I used to plan conversations, sentence by sentence, before I had them. It avoids any freezing-up you might do on the phone, and helps you make it through the conversation. Nowadays, I still hold useless conversations in my head and in my dreams, but I no longer need them. The army’s made me almost too brash.

I hated creative writing lessons in middle school because the teachers always wanted you to write about real life. Nothing was less interesting or more stale and putrid than my life. I think I made up what happened and exaggerated for the assignment. I still dislike that I had to do it, since it bothers me to no end when my mother lies for the sake of a good story. I never had any issue writing or reading fiction, when people knew it was escapism.

I forget the names of second cousins and neglect to ask the names of people I sit across from at lunch for months. I don’t call anyone, and my facebook messages to my sisters are more to show my own excitement for whatever video game or image I’ve found engaging or funny. I dread getting calls, but I don’t despise calls from my Grandma Z- like my mother claims to. I don’t know if she does anymore, my mom isn’t the same person who raised me anymore. That’s a good thing.

I want to connect to people, to scream when I’m mad, to cry when I’m sad, and to spread my joy to those I care about. But I don’t like dealing with problems or obligations that arise from relationships, and I prefer that everything fades away and that I am forgotten. People wouldn’t like “me,” But “I” have a very judgy and spiteful personality. I know better than to sling barbs at others, so I hold my tongue and bury myself ever deeper. Till we’re nothing but pins in a sewing tomato of needles.

They say that Terry Pratchet wrote 400 words a day! Less than what most writing blogs and advice says (1k words, 1.6k if you’re on nanowrimo), but I bet that Pratchett was more prolific than all of them combined! Writing’s a marathon, not a sprint. So that’s why I’m following his sage wisdom, and writing 400 words a month. Absolutely nothing to do with my own lack of discipline, self-imposed sleep deprivation, or general flakiness.

Maybe it’s a problem when things that bring you joy turn into products. There’s a number attached to everything on the internet these days, and I scrutinize even what little heuristics I can squeeze from my AO3 fics. I used to delete unfinished fics all the time, back in middle school, since I only managed a chapter or two and then got bored and moved on. I shamed myself. I’m better now- I no longer delete fics, since I no longer risk writing anything that long and publishing it. My record word count on any work is 18k, and that one was encyclopedic in nature. Pretty much useless, too, but at least the journey was fun.

It’s far easier to spend money on fancy writing books and fancier typewriters than it is to actually write. That’s why I love my AlphaSmart 3000! It was cheap, so it doesn’t hurt as much that I don’t write on it often! (Plus, I bet it’d survive a nuclear fallout)

I gotta be careful not to send to computer too often, though. Then I start psychoanalyzing the word count, pitifully smaller than all my estimates. Writing may be one task where you want to train to time, not to task. But that’s just the pessimism and lack of ambition speaking! Battery life’s pretty Gucci tho…

The strangest thing of all is that the stories I want to read aren’t the ones I enjoy writing, when everything’s said and done. I love the prep, I love the planning, but actually sitting down and going for it after all that work? That’s a no-go. And seat-of-the-pants writing for me leads to incoherent-to-semicoherent blobs of nothing. Word count ain’t anything. So if I like twists, and mysteries, and all sorts of odds and ends, should I break all conventional wisdom and seek to surprise myself with the ending? Should I produce a murder victim with no murderer? I still think the goose was behind everything in Hot Fuzz, so maybe everything’s reasonable if you do it with style.

I like weighty stories, too, but I loathe to write my own weight.

The best fancy writing book out there is Elements of Style, no shot. Stephen King’s “On Writing” is the worst since 12 year old me was irritated that there was no writing advice, and 12 year old  me skipped the intro where he talked about how the book wasn’t really about how to write. Intros and prologues annoyed me, since I read a lot of pulp fantasy with useless introductions. Eragon got me into the habit of skimming large blocks of text (My apologies to Paolini), so when I read denser stuff I would miss things and have to go back and reread, lest I frustrate myself with the text. Back then, useless introductions and unimportant blocks of text were just things that books had, they weren’t the subject of critique or judgement. So I wonder why I treat my own works with a judgement I never extend to others? It’s all or nothing with me. Either a sentence is perfect, or the entire passage is barely decipherable but free of spelling errors.

Did you know that you could do warm-ups for writing? Just write nonsense, and then when you run out of nonsense the rest of what you write that day will be fine. I don’t know a better way to hit daily wordcount goals and still feel like you’re doing something meaningful.

[freneticfloetry]

Fic Writer Interview

Thanks for the tag, @akisazame!

Name: Courtney/freneticfloetry

Fandoms: Watching — MCU/Marvel Netflix Universe, The Old Guard, Watchmen, Lovecraft Country, Schitt’s Creek, my strange firefighter procedural holy trinity of 9-1-1 Lone Star, Chicago Fire, and Station 19. Writing — I’ve been all over the place, and written in random and tiny and obscure fandoms, but these days, it’s all Magicians, all the time.

Where you post: With the exception of the random WIP Wednesday snippet here on Tumblr, just on AO3.

Most Popular One-Shot: On hits and kudos alone, definitely Ashes and Flame (Every You and Every Me), a Peeta-centric post-canon look at The Hunger Games trilogy.

Most Popular Multichap: Thanks to a dozen years of Yuletide, I’d kind of conditioned myself into doing one and done fics (pay no attention to that unfinished Sherlock fic from years ago). So, no surprise that it’s my latest, scenes from an unfinished story (told by the lost and found), my entry in this year’s Magicians Happy Ever After Big Bang.

Favorite story you’ve written so far: Hilariously enough, it’s probably my other Magicians multichap, Past Perfect Future Tense. When I first started writing fic I used to joke that canon was my crutch — I either wrote post-canon or between-the-scenes, convinced I couldn’t plot if my life depended on it. Writing for prompts helped cure me of that (or at least that line of thinking, I guess?). Now I’ve returned to my roots, weaving within the fabric of canon, and it’s by far the plottiest thing I’ve ever written. That sort of full-circle feeling is amazing, and I’m more excited by this one than anything I’ve ever written. I just hope I can pull it off on paper the way it exists in my head.

Fic you were nervous to post: Does “every single one” count? If I had to choose, probably Shells of a Long-Ago Lifetime (Faces That Once Were Mine Mix), a love letter to Dean Winchester, the ties that bind, and the emotional resonance of tattoos. It was my first experience with a remix, and kind of a drastic departure from the original fic. It was also the closest I’d ever come to an AU before this year’s MHEA. I just wasn’t sure how it was going to land. But all’s well that ends well — the original author loved it, and I’m really proud of how it turned out.

How do you choose your titles: It’s such a crapshoot. Some are literary quotes or snippets of lyrics, some are thematically-relevant phrases, a few are puns. And some are just random things that pop into my head and feel like they fit.

Do you outline: I didn’t used to! My MO has always kind of been to have a massive snippet file for each fic, where I dumped all the random words and phrases and pieces of dialogue that popped into my head. PPFT is so plot-heavy that I decided I needed some sort of concrete framework to follow, and ended up with an 8k outline. For my MHEA, the framework and snippets sort of melded together, and by their powers combined I ended with an outline that was 27k. It felt super indulgent and excessive, but it helped immensely during the actual writing portion of the proceedings, so my monster outlines may be here to stay, at least for the longer, plottier stuff.

Complete: On AO3, 39 of the 42 posted, and probably a dozen or so more in old fandoms that I never brought over. I am wordy, not prolific.

In progress: Oh boy. PPFT is the big one, and I have three other Magicians fics in various states of completion. That is to say nothing of The Bunnies.

Prompts?: Yes please! Prompts are legit the only reason I wrote anything at all some years. That said, in this fandom, there are no shortage of ideas from my own brain.

Upcoming work you’re most excited about: There are eight Magicians fics on deck, fighting for “I got next” rights. But there’s one I’m so geeked about that it scares me a little (the prompt, not that level of excitement). It’s dark, and I’m pretty sure people will hate me, but it’s a story I want to tell so badly.

Worlds I would love to write for in the future: Depending on a number of things, including what happens with the sequel (and whether my Magicians boys will ever let me go), I would love to write something in the Old Guard universe. And I’ve had a Watchmen bunny nagging at me since the finale. We shall see.

Tagging: @rubickk7, @nellie-elizabeth, @hoko-onchi-writes, @allegria23

[slightlymore]

Tw : suicidal thoughts I'm so sick of feeling like a piece of garbage that I even got a few suicidal thoughts. I absolutely don't want to do it for real, but sometimes when I'm miserable... it just gets to me. I've felt somewhat lonely my whole life and now that it got worse I'm starting to believe I will always be like this

this might sound very hippie or common or cringy, but your mind does start to believe what you tell it to believe. this is not to say that you can't just have down moments and be miserable and it definitely doesn't mean to fake it to yourself that you're fine and to say stuff like "I believe good things will come" when in reality it doesn't go to your mind and heart. but slowly, very slowly, you'll actually, scientifically proven, start to believe these positive things you tell yourself and when you have a certain belief, your life starts revolving around that without you even noticing.

if you keep telling yourself that you will be lonely your whole life, chances are that because of this belief, you might end up lonely, and not because of you as a person or because of others, but because of your subconscious telling you that. you might meet new people and at the first little problem, like them not replying to a text fast enough, you might get worried and sad and be like 'yeah, told you, I'll be lonely, they hate me and don't want to be my friend' when it's definitely not the case. this is just an example of how our perspective can actually change the reality. people feel other people's energies and we understand when someone else is closed off. everyone is vulnerable and everyone is weak and everyone is insecure. you close off because you're afraid and they sense that and close off too, drifting away from your new friendship. for what? a misunderstanding. something that's not even there.

all of this to say that you have to change the way you think about yourself, your life and your future. when you lie down, staring at your ceiling, do the exercise of taking a step back and analyze yourself in third person. imagine you're a stranger. how would you talk to them? what would you say? wouldn't that be encouraging words? would you say to somebody else that they'll never have friends? no. you'd be sure that they will and you believe it. and it's true that it will happen. and not only friends. all the good things one might want in life. love, security, happiness.

if you don't believe something is going to happen ("this won't happen to me", "I can't do it", "this is impossible in my case") you will take less action towards trying that certain thing, which gives you bad results which reinforces your original belief ("I was right when I thought all of this bad things would happen", "I was right in thinking that my life will never get better").

but this works the opposite way too. you first need to visualize your life the way you want it. imagine it in your head and you'll start to be hopeful and create a new belief ("I will have a good life, I am capable of doing so because I saw myself doing it"). by having that you'll start taking enough action which will get you to results which will reinforce your belief in a prolific circle.

you will also fail. you'll have the confidence for a while and you'll have a good life and something out of your control will make you fall and your belief will crumble because "failing" makes us feel weak and not good enough. but that just means you're moving forward in life, that you're not stuck. you've already been there and you got out of it.

also, start behaving the way your ideal self would starting now. think about all the things your ideal self is and start doing that. are they wearing a certain type of clothing? are they talking a certain way? are they friendly and positive? are they smiling to everyone, drawing them in? is that person confident and content? do that now and slowly it will happen. let go of the miserable belief.

this can be a long process but you can start now

[sevensstories]

A Bottle of Courvoisier

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel Characters: Angel Dust, Alastor Ships: Radiodust Updates: One-shot, y’all! Warnings: Alcohol mention, soft gore mention, mature language

Follow the link to read it on AO3, or just read it under the cut!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21673123

Alastor liked cognac.

Alastor liked fucking cognac.

Angel Dust would have never in a million years guessed that as Alastor's drink of choice. The blood of the innocent maybe, but not cognac. Not alcohol period. He was always so composed, so cold and calculated, that when he stumbled upon the radio demon nursing an empty bottle of Courvoisier at the hotel bar he was too shocked to even comment. Husker was nowhere to be seen, and Alastor was…

Well, to put it lightly, Alastor was plastered.

He didn't realize that at first, though. Alastor had his arms up on the bar and his face nestled in the crook of his elbow, like he was trying to take a nap. Angel Dust really just wanted to keep walking, but something stopped him. Something wasn't right.

"Al?" No response. "Hey, Alastor. You alright there, pal?"

Alastor made a sound that was a mix between a hum and radio static. Well, at least it was a response. Angel Dust leaned against the bar and tried to peek at Alastor's face, making sure to keep his distance. He didn't need to lose an arm just because he was caught being soft and doing something stupid. Really, really stupid.

"Alastor? Heh, you're not nappin' on the job, are you? Cause I don't think Charlie would-- WHOA!"

Angel Dust yelped as a lanky arm was thrown over his shoulders, Alastor pulling him down so their cheeks were pressed together. "Angel Dust, my good man! I was wondering when you would saunter my way!"

"You, uh, ya were…?" Angel Dust did not miss the flush in Alastor's cheeks and the scent of alcohol on his breath.

"Well of course I was! I've been starved of your company!" Alastor nuzzled his cheek, voice crackling with uncontrolled static. "That was quite cruel of you, my fellow, quite cruel indeed."

"You. Wanted to spend time with me." Angel Dust's tone was as dry as the bottom of Alastor's bottle. "Okay, now I know you're wasted. Why don't we, uh, why don't we get you to your room, yeah? Before anyone sees you like this and you murder me when you sober up."

"Oh, buy my dear Angel Dust, why would I ever do that?" Alastor looked at him with laughable innocence.

Angel Dust grabbed Alastor around the waist and hoisted him out of his chair. Luckily having extra arms made guiding drunk murder machines all the easier. "Uh, 'cause ya hate me? 'Cause I'm too flirty, and ya think I'm gross, and the only reason ya haven't killed me yet is it would be a PR nightmare for the hotel?"

Much to Angel Dust’s surprise, Alastor didn’t even hesitate to lean against him. The warmth radiating from the radio demon should have been concerning, but Angel Dust had never really gotten close enough to him to know whether or not this was normal. For right now it was probably best to just ignore it. Luckily, Alastor’s room was just down the hall so he wouldn’t have to risk his hide for too long. He started walking, Alastor’s stumbling footsteps sounding beside his.

Alastor’s smile faded a bit, though not completely. In truth, Angel Dust had never seen him without it. “Oh that’s not true, not true at all! I quite like you, you know.”

Angel Dust snorted. Yeah, Alastor was definitely drunk off his ass. “Oh yeah? Since when?”

“Since…” Alastor paused, pursing his lips a bit. “Well, since never I suppose.” The grin came back full force, and he looked up at Angel Dust with a level of enthusiasm usually reserved for schemes and carnage. “But I like you very much right now! What a wonderful friend you are, braving the spinning hallways just to get me to my room!”

“They’re only spinning for you, pal.” Angel Dust stopped at Alastor’s door. “Speaking of your room, we’re here so I’ll just leave you to i--”

“Oh nonsense!” Alastor shoved the door open and dragged Angel Dust inside with a strength that would have been very useful during the walk over. “Come in, come in! I could use the company you know.”

Angel Dust did his best to stop himself from being dragged into the room, but Alastor was stronger than he expected. Well, at least he had tried. “I mean, if you insist I guess.” He glanced around the room, taking note of the red and black decor. Not many surprises there. It was simpler than he expected, his only furniture being a wardrobe, dresser, bed, and nightstand. A small, old-timey radio sat on the dresser and a lamp rested on the nightstand. But the bed, oh the bed, it made even Angel Dust jealous. Black pillows, a black, plush comforter, and red sheets. Were those silk? If they were… well, that had implications.

He briefly wondered how painful his death would be tomorrow when Alastor was sobered up.

“Oh but I do!” The garbled static pulled Angel Dust from his thoughts. “Why don’t you have a seat?”

Angel Dust glanced around the room once again. “Yeah, Al, I don’t know if ya noticed, but you don’t got any chairs.”

“No, but the bed will do just fine.” As if to emphasize his point, Alastor sat on the edge of the bed and patted the spot next to him.

“Ah-ha, ya know, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea,” Angel Dust said with a nervous smile, taking a small step backwards. He liked keeping his arms on his body, and he was sure he’d have more than enough to answer for in the morning as it was. That was, if Alastor even remembered this. He was pretty toasted. “I think I’m gonna head back ta my room, but thanks for the invite. Really.”

Angel Dust was not at all prepared for what came next.

Alastor’s smile faded. In its entirety. He looked horribly disappointed, so much so that his ears actually pressed back. Angel Dust had never seen them move before, he was almost convinced they weren’t actually ears but just immobile tufts of hair. Alastor glanced down, his disappointment reflecting in his tone in a way that made Angel Dust’s heart ache. “Ah, yes, I… I suppose this is awfully imposing. Expecting you to stay when I’m sure you have somewhere else to be, and I have been less than kind to you in the past.”

“Exactly!” Angel Dust said, a tad too eagerly. “So I should probably go, and I…” He trailed off, taking in the heartbreaking expression on Alastor’s face. A demon famous for carnage should not be able to pull off puppy eyes. “...oh God damn it. Fine.”

Angel Dust didn’t miss the way Alastor perked up when he sat next to him, both sets of arms crossed. “But I want booze, ya hear me? I’m not doing this sober.”

“Oh but of course!” The grin was back, a glimmer of excitement lighting up Alastor’s eyes. “What’s your poison? I’m sure I can come up with something that’s to your liking.”

“I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say somethin’ sweet is a bit much for ya right now,” Angel Dust mused. He considered a moment before speaking again. “Ya know what? I’ll take whisky. It’ll be like old times.”

Alastor snapped and Angel Dust was holding a bottle of Whisky. Well, wasn’t that just nifty. “Old times, you say? Was this your drink of choice?”

“Choice is a strong word.” Angel Dust uncapped the bottle and took a swig, the liquor burning his throat like a trail of fire.

Alastor’s smile turned inquisitive. “If you don’t like it, then why do you drink it?”

Angel Dust shrugged, taking another sip. Damn that was strong. “Habit. Ya gotta look tough when you’re in the mafia, ya know? Tough guys don’t drink frou-frou stuff.”

Alastor’s brows arched in surprise. “The mafia? You?”

Angel Dust sighed. This motherfucker. “I swear, you gotta be the one person in hell who don’t know. Yeah, I was a mobster before I died. That was my whole schtick. Just ‘cause Val don’t let me out on jobs doesn’t mean I don’t still got it.”

“The mafia…” Alastor mused, vacant stare drawn to his empty bottle. “I suppose, then, you have quite the body count.”

“What?” Angel Dust glanced over, taken off guard by the question. “Uh… yeah, I mean, I’ve killed people. Why?”

Alastor hummed, taking a sip from the now not empty bottle. When did that happen? “I supposed I just never pegged you for the type is all.”

“Not sure if I should be flattered or offended,” Angel Dust snorted.

“Probably both.” Alastor’s smile had a hint of fondness that Angel Dust wasn’t ready for. “Honestly, it’s an appealing thought.”

Angel Dust cocked a brow. “What, me killin’ people?”

Alastor nodded. “Quite. It was my specialty, after all.”

“Oh yeah?” Angel Dust took another swig, this one a bit longer. The soft haze of intoxication was beginning to mask the bitter tang of his drink. “Vaggie told me ya caused a lot of demons a lot of trouble. Blood and carnage and all that.”

“No no, not here,” Alastor waved him off, then paused. “...well, yes here, but that’s not what I was talking about. In life, I mean.”

Angel Dust froze mid-drink. In life? He put the bottle down and swallowed, glancing over at Alastor’s thoughtful expression. He could be wrong, but that one little tidbit of information was probably more than anyone else in the history of hell had ever gotten from the infamous radio demon. He was “shrouded in mystery”, as Vaggie had told him several times. “That, uh… that so?”

“Oh yes.” Alastor took another sip, wavering a bit. A responsible drinking partner would have taken his Courvoisier away and given him some water by now, as he was clearly drunk enough. Good thing he was with Angel Dust. “I was quite the prolific serial killer in my day. Sooo many bodies…”

Angel Dust found himself frozen, transfixed by the information he was being given and silently praying for Alastor to continue. Any insight to the enigma that was the radio demon was more than welcome. “That uh… that so?”

“Oh yes.” Alastor traced the pad of his thumb around the rim of his bottle, lost in his own thoughts. “Especially in the 20s. You know, you can read all the anatomy books you’d like, but nothing will ever teach you so much as having a corpse right in front of you.”

“...oh yeah?” Angel Dust was now wondering if he should have drank more to prepare for this conversation, because if Alastor admitted he was a necrophiliac he was going to lose his shit.

Alastor took another sip out of his bottle before nodding. “Believe me, I would know. For example, did you know that the eyes don’t close on their own, and if you attempt to force them they just open again? Or that the blood will pool to whatever side you leave the body on?” A dangerous smile played on his lips at the memories. “Or that the dead can sit straight up due to a misfire of nerves, very much startling the poor, unsuspecting serial killer chopping them to bits?”

Angel Dust felt himself relax a bit. Okay, not a necrophiliac, just a psycho. He could work with that. “Huh. I knew the eye thing, but not the other stuff. Got any other weird shit to share?”

Alastor looked up at him, absolutely delighted at his interest. “Oh, I most certainly do! I do hope you don’t have anywhere to be, because I could talk about this all night.”

Angel Dust let out a light laugh, setting his bottle down. No, he wanted to be sober for this. Or, at least as sober as he could be with what he already had. Alastor getting excited about someone listening to his weird-ass anatomy facts was oddly adorable, which was not something Angel Dust ever thought he would ever use to describe Alastor. “Go ahead, lay it on me.”

-xxx-

When Alastor said all night, he wasn’t kidding. Angel Dust glanced at the pocket watch Alastor had discarded onto the nightstand some time before. He groaned when he saw that it was just after four in the morning. Knowing Charlie, she was going to be getting him up bright and early. That would give him maybe a few hours of sleep, if he was lucky and could actually fall asleep fairly quickly.

That was, if he could even make it to his room.

Alastor had slumped over and passed out a few moments prior. That in of itself wasn’t all that strange, he had been more that drunk enough to pass out. If anything, with how many times Angel Dust suspected he had refilled that bottle of Courvoisier, he should have been out much sooner. No, the predicament Angel Dust found himself in had to do with where Alastor had passed out. Angel Dust was currently trapped, with Alastor clinging to his waist and nuzzling his shoulder. He wasn’t sure how exactly he should handle this. The smart thing to do would probably be to gently wake Alastor up, get him off, and pray that he didn’t remember any of it in the morning as he made his way to his own room. However, Alastor was surprisingly warm, and oh so comfortable…

A soft murmur caught his attention and Angel Dust looked down, just in time to catch Alastor mumbling in his sleep and a faint, genuine smile playing across his lips. Whatever he was dreaming about, one thing was for sure. He was damn adorable, and Angel Dust would hate to disturb him.

Well, shit. It looked like his mind was made up for him.

Angel Dust carefully lowered both of them so they were lying down, thanking any deity above that he had somehow managed to do so without waking Alastor. He shifted just a moment to get comfortable before relaxing a soft sigh. Yeah, okay, this was nice. Angel Dust closed his eyes, and let himself bask in this temporary moment of bliss.

He could worry about the consequences later. For now, for this moment, it was worth it.