#projecting his insecurity onto Ellis

[menlove]

I mean I don't really put much stock in the "yes, boys" bit considering immediately afterward he said "but for me it's women lol". As far as potential hints of Paul being queer go I think I'm most compelled by that Royston Ellis anecdote and that time when he got engaged to Jane and apparently told some fan "what, do you expect me to be some 30 year old queer who never gets married?", though I do see him as being mostly straight with moments of insecurity and conflict. I do believe he was emotionally in love with John, but I don't think he was ever sexually repressed and I suspect he actually might've gone further than he was comfortable with for the sake of maintaining a bond. But then I could just be projecting onto him since I'm not into guys myself. 🤷

honestly In General I think putting much stock onto what paul says about his sexuality is a futile thing bc like. either he's straight and emotionally in love with john or, like I honestly think is more likely, very closeted like...... it's a lot more complicated and none of our business frankly (won't stop me from speculating lol but he shouldn't have to Say Anything about it). but like. being a queer man born in the 40s is hard enough and there's plenty of very average non-famous 80 year old men who are still closeted. but add being 1/4 of the most famous band of all time on top of that and 1/2 of the most famous songwriting duo of all time (and the only half alive at that) and it's going to be impossible. let alone when it comes to john, who's dead and can't exactly consent to being outed by anything paul might say if something DID happen. add yoko to the mix, who's already demonized enough just for "breaking up" the band, and you have a nightmare of a situation. like I think there's a good reason he said there's things about him and john's relationship he can't/won't reveal while yoko is still alive (& he'd said cyn at the time too, but she's dead now so I'm just focusing on yoko)

ultimately like. To Me the way he acts & some of the things he's said does NOT speak to a non-sexual romantic love from a straight man to a bisexual man, it really reads like a closeted bisexual man who has been shoved into a corner of never being able to come out bc he has a huge legacy to protect. like even though groups have outsold them, there's really never been another group like the beatles and protecting that legacy as one half of the surviving members & the most famous of the two would come first I think, ESPECIALLY where john's legacy & yoko's reputation is concerned.....

idk all in all I don't think we can necessarily take him at face value on that. (and I mean it's honestly very rare he actually talks about his sexuality at all. he talks about JOHNS sexuality a lot and insists john was straight, but he really doesn't talk much at all about his own feelings about his sexuality). of course, on the other hand, that Could very well be the case! I just don't see it that way at all 😭 which is fine we're all gonna have different views on this stuff bc there's not some definitive account of what happened & we're all just putting together a quilt of hints

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

When she's done, she feels so much lighter. All these dark thoughts were weighing on her and now, it was out and it felt good. But a new sort of apprehension appeared as she waited for Joel's answer.
It was important at this moment that he said the right words, any clumsy comment and he’d completely shatter his and your relationship with Ellie.

He did his best to comfort her, remind her she was your kid—blood or not— and although it was normal and valid to feel that way, your love for her would never weaken. He’d probably finish with a humorous touch— “you’re the only one who can make shitty puns somehow funny”— and Ellie’s soothed by those words.

That evening, Joel obviously tells you all about how Ellie’s been feeling and your heart breaks for her. You never realized that a new baby would make the fact that Ellie was adopted much more present. For you, there was no difference between her and the child you carried but it was normal she wondered and felt insecure.

You also realized you might have made her feel left out. With the pregnancy, you’ve been more and more tired, sometimes not able to do the usual stuff you’d do together.

So the next weekend/day off, you prepared her favorite breakfast and woke her up, gently caressing her hair.

“We’re having a girls day, just you and me,” you announced.

Joel was with his brother so it would really be just you and her. Ellie sensed that it had to do with the conversation she had with Joel but she didn’t complain. You took her for a picnic in the forest and prepared a little surprise.

It’s quiet at first. You try to engage conversation with her but you feel like you need to break the ice. So you give her the gift you kept for her birthday.

You’d searched for it for months and yeah, it was supposed to be for her birthday but it felt more right to give it now. It wasn’t like a “I’m buying your love” thing, it was more a way to show her that she mattered, that you cared about her.

It was a rocket ship model (you know those mini things you have to build yourself?) that you managed to find in an old supermarket after exploring the surroundings.

Inside the box, you also added a small card and a Polaroid picture Tommy took of you, Joel and her one evening. She was sitting in the middle , giggling as you kissed her cheek and Joel was gazing at his girls, a bright smile on his face.

“I understand it’s been hard on you lately but I want you to know you’re still my Ellie bug and nothing—no one’s changing that”

Her eyes are burning with tears and she holds onto the picture, reminiscing about that particular night. Part of her feels stupid for those doubts she’s been having, especially when she sees all the effort you’ve made to find something she enjoys (and it was A LOT of effort).

You explain to her that she is very much your first child, no matter what biology says and yes, you’re going to love your baby of course but it doesn’t mean they’ll take her space. No, your heart is just going to grow a lot more and make space for the baby as well. Ellie keeps the same spot, she won’t have to share your love with another child. You’re honest with her of course and you tell her that you will have to focus on the baby, take care of them and it will be with you most of the time in the beginning. But it doesn’t mean the end of your relationship. You’re still going to tuck her in at night, help her with school projects, be her best friend and confidant. You’re still going to be her mom.

Things are going to change, you’ll have to find a new balance to welcome the newest addition to the family but Ellie’s place doesn’t change— apart from the fact that she’ll gain the status of big sister.

You also make sure to remind her that whenever she’s feeling doubts or having those dark thoughts, she can come to you and you’ll reassure her, however long she needs to be reassured.

And Ellie probably crumbles after hearing your words because she had been so scared, terrified really of finding herself all alone, again. She loves her future sibling, that’s not the issue. She just couldn’t see a future where she wasn’t put aside now that you had a “real” child.

You hug her tight and tell her how much you love her over and over because she needs to hear it. She needs to know you’re still her mom.

You promise to enjoy as much time as possible together until the baby arrive and then, try to organize things with her so she can still have you all to herself a little bit.

That night, when Joel arrives home, he is happy to see you giggling in the living room as you’re building the rocket-ship model together. He knows you’ve talked to Ellie and “fixed” things with her and when she goes upstairs to put the finished model in her bedroom , you tell him about your day with her.

From then on, you make sure to both include alone time with her— bonding with Joel when you need to rest and staying with you when you have the energy.

She feels much more secure and the rest of the journey is really just pure happiness. Obviously, she loves her sibling and now that her doubts have been cleared away, she’s all the more happy to share her joy with her parents <3

Wowza that was long and I feel like I might have rambled on a bit but I hope it’s still okay!! Feel free to add as much as you want about this :)

-🪷

The bond between Joel and Ellie is so unique and so strong so without a doubt it would be so important for him to remind her that hey you are the queen of puns, you made my broody ass laugh remember? The diarrhea was crucial... They are similar in so many ways. So I think that Joel's role in this vital. Ellie has been his baby girl for so long, the first to break through Joel's iced up heart. So them two hugging on the top of a mountain together, while looking at a pretty sunset. Yes and yes.

To add to the girly time. Yep, you two now have dedicated time when you do things you love. Let's say you also love to paint. So you offer to teach her since most of the time Ellie chooses to just watch. You pick some random arrangement together or maybe even choose to paint one another. And it's just you two at home. Snacks all around as you chat about random stuff. I feel like a paint fight would break out. You would playfully dab your paintbrush onto Ellie's nose making her gasp and she's instantly turning to her paint before tapping her hands onto your arm. Joel coming home to paint splattered walls and you both laughing hysterically while laying in the middle of the living room.

I feel like Ellie just needs reassurance. Need that extra bit of love because she doesn't know what family is. Had no clue about that for 14 years of her life and now she found you both. If you got taken away she would absolutely crumble because now she knows what happiness looks like. So it's time that she needs. Words of encouragement to make her believe that she actually deserves to be loved by you and Joel.

Now I'm also thinking about how fun it would be for Ellie to paint your growing bump... my brain is going places...

No, but after this little downfall it would all be blissful. Ellie would get to experience the excitement of becoming a bigger sibling. I feel like then she would worry that she might not be good enough for that. Just this time she would tell you both about this fear so you and Joel would be able to kill off any doubt that she has sooner. Telling her that the fact that she even worries about that shows that she cares. The fact that's she's been bringing home random books. Sharing her spaceship collection adding it to the nursery. Helping Joel and you paint star constellations on the ceiling and stuff.

[chubsette]

hey! i love ur art and ur OCs, they r super cool. i was wondering if u could elaborate on aiden's body image issues?

sure why not, I'll be getting into general OC lore so light TW for family issues, childhood trauma, fatphobia, body disphoria

Aiden and his sister Ellie were raised only by their mother, their father left the picture while she was still carrying Ellie but Aiden was already 4 years old and has some vague memories of that time. The whole situation was kind of traumatic for his mom who strongly (and wrongly) felt it was all her fault, and ended up projecting a lot of her insecurities onto Aiden, including her own negative feelings towards her weight. This resulted in a lot of pressure being put on Aiden, from a very young age, to stay thin. He was for most of his childhood, the "chubby kid", and always felt like a failure in his mothers eyes. She had implicitly taught him that being fat meant no one would really like him, and that included his own mom. In his teens he started to resent her a lot, and with the help of a therapist, he slowly started to heal. By the time he went off to college, Aiden had lost a lot of weight as a result of one of the many diets his mom forced on him, and every time he saw himself in the mirror something felt wrong, like he didn't feel like himself. It's hard to put into words, but I suppose he was experiencing some sort of body dysphoria. Things get better after that, once he allows himself to look like he wants to, to gain back the weight, to cut contact with his mom, to be loved by his partner's, etc, but it's a long journey.

[sunflowersteves]

ok so let me get this straight… sunshine literally almost dies, gets stabbed and is helped by brad. joel is jealous???? of brad preventing her from bleeding out??? and then she gets into a coma for 6 weeks, she wakes up, gets mad at joel. he gets mad at her too?? and is jealous for some reason?? and literally right after she wakes up after 6 weeks of comatose they FUCK???? he finger bangs her 6 week old vagina with no hesitation but like in a mean way?? for being jealous despite her literallt just getting STABBED and brad helping. ellie is also probably 2 doors down confused too. and then he just leaves after. he’s lucky she didn’t go into another coma. bro i’m so fucking confused my emotions are all over the place

omg. hi love!! so, He uses jealousy as an excuse to push his emotions away. He isn’t actually jealous, per se, he just didn’t want to tell sunshine how he was feeling like he failed her & ellie for the second time (aka the first being Joel’s talk with Tommy in episode 6 which we all know he isn’t a failure) he’s just deeply insecure.

sunshine knows this fear and realizes after her talk with Maria/her talk with him. Joel is just hella fuckin insecure ab himself but he didn’t actually care about Brad at all—just projecting it onto that (hence their conversation). He, again, uses that projection for sex and let’s not forget that sunshine also purposely pushed his buttons to also have sex. They were both going through traumatic experiences and used each other for that.

ALSO OK I MEANT TO WRITE THIS IN THERE BUT FORGOT THAT MARIA BATHES HER. Like no one is just gonna let her sit there and rot for six weeks 💀💀 and regarding the wound n the coma, I did put a warning for unrealistic recovery time because I just didn’t think it would make any sense for a time skip.

maybe I also should’ve made it more clear, but it was broad daylight and Ellie was def not in the house at the time. Like she LEFT yk. I don’t think Ellie would want to stay in a house where her parental figures are definitely gonna fight.

I hope i cleared some things up! I can try to go in and fix some of the things like bathing n such but tbh, I’m traveling tomorrow so it probably won’t be for awhile.

[casspurrjoybell-25]

Skating on Thin Ice - Chapter 34 - Part 1

*Warning - Adult Content*

Elijah Ellis

"What the hell," I muttered, getting up from bed to open the window.

It had started snowing out and it was coming down quite hard.

Fox was on the other side of the window, his cheeks rosy from the cold, snowflakes littering his hair and the front of his glasses and his face etched in a frown.

I opened the window and he immediately came inside, pushing me aside to get in the room.

"It's cold as shit outside," he cursed, rubbing his hands together for warmth as I shut the window.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, moving past him to sit on the bed.

"I obviously am here to see you," he said, blowing warm air onto his hands, then taking his glasses off to clean off the lenses with his shirt.

I just rolled my eyes.

"If you wanted to see me, you could have used the front door."

"So you could slam it in my face?"

"I could have slammed the window in your face."

"You wouldn't though," he pointed out, pointing at me with his glasses.

"Because it's cold as shit, it's snowing and I could have fallen off your roof."

"So the smart solution to you was instead of going to the front door, risking your life to climb up to my window in the snow?"

"Well, you can't say I never risked my life for you."

I just scoffed, throwing myself backward on the bed.

Fox came to sit beside me after he situated his glasses back on his face.

I stared up at the ceiling while he stared down at me.

It took all of my will power to keep my eyes off of him.

He knew how his glasses made me feel.

"Will you talk to me?" he asked, his voice sounding desperate.

"If you're here to apologize, you can save your breath," I told him, keeping my eyes trained on the ceiling.

He looked down at me with a puzzled expression.

"I know I owe you more than an apology but..."

"You don't owe me an apology," I cut him off with a sigh.

"You were right and I just got mad."

Fox shook his head and let out a groan.

"You're being like, so stupid right now."

I glared at him.

"You can leave."

"Elijah," Fox said in a pleading tone.

"I'm sorry for what I said. It doesn't really change how I feel but I shouldn't be projecting my insecurities onto you. You had every right to reject me."

"Do we have to do this right now?"

"Yes."

I sighed again and sat up to look at him.

His damn glasses looked so good his concerned face.

He was too good looking for his own good.

"You deserve to be with someone that can be what you need," I told him.

"Someone that can make you happy while you do what you need to do."

"You're making no sense right now," he said in an annoyed tone, shaking his head.

"I don't want someone. I want you."

I opened my mouth to respond but Fox cut me off.

"And I know I can't have you right now," he said.

"But I'm not looking for anyone else. I want to be really clear about that," his words caused my heart to flutter and my stomach to be unsettled.

I kept wanting to convince myself that he deserved better but when he said things like that to me, I wanted to keep him for myself.

"What if I were to look for someone else?" I let the words slip out before I could stop them.

Fox stopped for a moment and looked away before looking back at me, his lips tightly pressed together.

"You deserve to be happy too," he said in a low tone.

"If you want someone else... I'll just have to deal with it," it sounded like it pained him to say those words.

"I don't want anyone else," I mumbled.

Fox nodded, though he looked relieved.

"I don't know why you think I don't owe you an apology," Fox said, raising his eyebrows at me.

"I didn't need to say those things the way I said them."

"That doesn't make them less true," I muttered. Fox sighed.

"You know, I came here that night you took off. I looked for you."

"You did?"

"Joshua said you and him got into it too," Fox continued.

I let out a small breath.

"He was right about what he said too. I'm not angry at either of you."

"I don't know what he said," Fox started.

"But I know he feels bad about it, so something tells me what he said isn't true either."

"You don't know..."

"I know that you wouldn't have run away if it didn't upset you," Fox interjected.

"And if he said something to upset you it was because he was angry and saying things he didn't mean."

I just shook my head.

There was no use explaining the way I felt to him.

Fox startled me when he placed his hand on my shoulder.

I looked down at his hand and then up into his eyes.

His gorgeous eyes.

"I just want you to be okay," he said in a whisper.

I couldn't stop myself from leaning in and placing my lips on his.

The kiss was soft and slow.

His hand moved from my shoulder to the back of my head, pulling me closer to him.

The kiss began to get more heated and that was what pulled me back to my senses.

"I shouldn't have done that," I said in a breathless tone, pulling away from him.

"I'm glad you did."

He gave me a soft smile that made me melt.

I wanted him to be mine more than anything, to be able to be this close to him forever.

Fox placed his hand on my cheek and ran his thumb along the corner of my mouth, looking at me with a soft smile.

"If you need me to distract you... I'd be okay with that," he told me, looking at my lips.

"No," I immediately answered, grabbing his hand to pull it away from my face.

"That's not fair to you."

I couldn't commit to him but using him as a distraction to make me feel better about myself wasn't an option.

It was fun to be friends with some benefits before I knew what he wanted from me but now I knew that arrangement would only hurt the both of us.

"I'm telling you I'm okay with it," he said, looking into my eyes.

"I don't know if I'm okay with it," I admitted.

He gave me an understanding look, squeezing my hand that still held his.

"We can just cuddle if you want," he offered with a grin.

I couldn't help but let a small smile creep up onto my face as I nodded, pulling the blankets back so we could both get under them.

Fox wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest, circling my fingers on his chest as one of his hands found its way into my hair.

That was the best night of sleep I had gotten in a long time, wrapped up in Fox's arms.

[comfy-whumpee]

Revisiting

CN: referenced past dehumanisation/animalisation.

Something is wrong with him today. It’s not the usual moping around, where he curls up somewhere and doesn’t move until Alistair coaxes him out. It’s not the rebellious misery, where he acts as though there’s no point to anything they do. He’s had days where he’s flat and emotionless before, but his eyes have always focused when prompted. He’s always found his way back.

This Ellis is a drifting paper boat on a river, and Alistair is standing in its flow, trying to direct him.

He finds the poor thing on the living room floor, pressed up into the corner. His hands are in loose fists with his knuckles pressed against his throat on either side of his Adam’s apple. He stares forwards at nothing, knees to his chest, elbows tucked into the gap and defensive. He’s curled as if waiting to be attacked, but he doesn’t flinch or watch Alistair approach. He’s not on edge. He’s not even present.

His thoughts have floated down the river on a paper boat, and he’s been left behind.

Alistair sighs. The room is dim and grey with the evening light, and he knows if it had taken much longer, Ellis would have left himself in darkness and gotten even worse. But he’s here now, and Alistair can cast a line to bring him back to the riverbank.

“Oh, darling, there you are,” he says, crouching down opposite him, directly in his line of sight. “Why are you sitting in the dark, hm?”

There is no immediate response. He doesn’t even blink at the sound of his voice. His eyes don’t find his Master.

Alistair shifts forwards, pitching his voice as soft and low as a lullaby. “Come on, sweetness. Come back to me. You’re at home. Look at me, Ellis.”

Ellis’s lips move. Faintly, barely a breath carrying the words, he speaks. “House cat.”

Alistair’s jaw tightens. It’s what Vega called him. He’s back in that place, in that storage container with chains and collar, entirely in his own head.

“No, no, you’re not that. You’re my pretty pet.”

Nothing changes on Ellis’s expression but the first syllable of a response. Alistair knows what it is even without hearing it. Ugly.

Nonsense. Ellis is gorgeous, and with Alistair’s care, his beauty is perfect and pristine. But something made him forget. What caused this? There were no surprises, no parties, and he hadn’t been injured earlier in the day. Where could these thoughts have leaked from?

He isn’t responding. It feels like Alistair isn’t even here. The feeling chafes at him, sandpaper to skin. How dare Ellis ignore him? How can he ignore reassurance from the one who matters most? Alistair hasn’t made him to act this way, like there are bigger threats and bigger mercies. Alistair is supposed to be the only good thing he has. The only thing in his life full stop.

Ellis still hasn’t moved while he’s been thinking. He must have blinked by now, but his eyes are unseeing, frozen in place. He doesn’t unlock the bundle of limbs he has become. He looks as though he is barely breathing, waiting for the beating he knows will come when Vega comes to see him.

If Alistair touches him now, he’ll flinch, even if he should be able to see the hand coming. He might even whimper. Alistair hates both of those things… But maybe it’ll help.

He reaches out, slowly, and lays a hand on Ellis’s knee.

Ellis’s reaction is a brief, full-body shiver, and he’s definitely not breathing now. A faint, trapped noise leaves his closed mouth, a near-silenced whine. His eyes close. He prepares for pain that would only ever be a phantom of what was done to him. His broken bones healed, his fractures sealed, and he's fine – but somehow, he seems to expect that Alistair will squeeze, and all of those pains will come back.

Alistair strokes with his thumb, brushing Ellis’s skin through the thin cotton. “It’s alright, sweet thing. Nothing hurts. You’re safe.”

“For hurting,” Ellis whispers, eyes still tightly shut. “Ugly h-house cat.”

“No, darling, no,” Alistair says, trying to keep his voice level. He’s not listening. “You’re with Master, it’s me, I’m here. You’re home.”

Ellis shudders again, thin, short gasps of air coming in through his nose. “I hh-have a new owner,” he breathes, barely voiced. The words terrify him even as he says them.

His irritation spikes, and Alistair throws caution to the wind, yanking Ellis forwards, wrapping him in his arms and lifting him onto his rescuer’s lap into a warm and complete embrace. “Never,” he says firmly, crushing his limp captive against him as though he could stop them ever separating this way. “I’ll never let anyone claim you, precious. You’re mine. You need to be mine.”

Ellis doesn’t move. He doesn’t relax, or hug back, or burst into tears and thank his Master for saving him again. He doesn’t speak.

He won’t get better.

“He’s not here. He’s never coming back. This is where you belong, sweetness, always. I promise. Do you understand?”

He doesn’t say yes, Master. He doesn’t even nod. He just twitches once, like a flinch from the words. But the words are comfort, why would he flinch? Alistair feels his ignorance like a burn against his skin and he hates it. It’s not meant to be like this.

With a brief adjustment of his grip, he lifts Ellis into his arms completely, and stands. “You can have a nap in the bed,” he decides. “When you wake up, you’ll feel better.”

It’s as much a promise to himself as an order to Ellis.

Setting him down in the bedroom, he tucks the duvet around Ellis’s unmoving body. He makes a pretty doll, but not like this. Alistair doesn’t want this emptiness. It’s too complete. He had opened Ellis’s mind and carved out everything but himself, and Vega...had finished the job.

“Sleep,” he commands.

Ellis stares out from where his head was left on a pillow; his gaze rests on a featureless patch of wallpaper. The light brown of his eyes is a glazed terracotta. He’s gone.

Alistair turns the nightlight on, and draws the curtains, bringing the room down to an artificial night. He wants to brush his fingers through Ellis’s regrowing hair, but he can’t tolerate another flinch. He’ll do something he’ll regret.

“Sleep, Ellis,” he says. “Find your way back to me.”

The current of the river is fast and tumultuous, and the paper boat won’t survive.

[imnotwolverine]

LOVE IS LIKE - Books and Babes

PART 1 Books and Babes | PART 2 >

Summary: As he travels home to London with his assistant Leah, Henry recalls some moments from his past, including breakups, ladies and that one book that keeps getting into trouble. 

Word count: 2.566

The song: Sweet - Love Is Like Oxygen 

Disclaimer: mentions of one-night-stands, breakups, bullying, hopeless love and weed smoking. Other than that it’s pretty much just comedic fluff 

--

LOVE IS LIKE... books and babes

--

‘Love is like oxy-gen,

You get too much,

you get too high..’

Henry mimed along with the music in his earpods, shuffling forward as the line of businessmen moved to the gate that would transport him to the plane taking him back to London Heathrow.

‘Not enough and you're gonna die--’

A short jab in his ribs made him look down at the glowing pink cheeks of his PA. She’d had to make a run for it.

‘Love gets you high-.’

With a quick fumble Henry killed the music, as he was greeted by one heavily panting Leah who pushed his lost book back in his large hands.

‘Found it.’ She smiled with another few long puffs, sweet sweat beading down her brow.

‘Leahhh.’ Henry sighed and shook his head with a laugh. ‘You know you didn’t have to do THAT.’

She chuckled. ‘And have you bother me all flight? Ohhh no, none of that.’

‘Like I’m such a pain.’ Henry winked, shuffling forward now the line before him was slowly funnelling down the long white tunnel into the plane.

‘Sometimes..’ Leah gave him a playfully chastising look before starting to quickly dig down her bag to find her ticket and passport.

‘Piers?’

Henry wanted to knock on his brother’s bedroom door, but halted, hearing something peculiar arising from the small confinement his oldest brother was hiding out in. Was that a..girl he heard giggling? Putting his ear flat against the rough oak wood, he listened more closely.

‘Do you like that?’ He heard his brother ask. The girl giggled again.

‘Stop it! Hahaha. Piers! Stop it!’

Henry felt his muscles tighten and he wasn’t quite sure what to do. Was that Ellie? The blond girl that lived a street away? And was Piers...hurting her? His older brother truly was strange now he had full on hit puberty. Frowning, Henry looked down the hallway, his ears now picking up the sound of feet climbing up the stairs.

‘Did you call him for dinner yet?’ Marianne puffed out as she dragged a full basket of dirty laundry up the narrow steps, her face not managing to poke out over the large pile. Henry quickly straightened up and swallowed.

‘Eh..’ With a sharp knock he finally rapped on his brother’s door. ‘Piers! Dinner!’

Inside he could hear the panicked kerfuffle of what may have very well been clothing zipped up, but again Henry couldn’t be sure as he looked back at his mother who now lowered the basket in her arms. One conspicuously raised eyebrow from her was all it took to burn his cheeks a bright pink.

‘I wasn’t listening!’ He squeaked, though Marianne knew better.

‘Sure you did sweetie.’ She winked at him then tilted her head in the direction of Piers’ room. ‘Piers honey, don’t forget about what me and dad told you!’

With a swift swing the door was pulled open and one both terribly embarrassed and terribly annoyed Piers appeared in the door opening. ‘FUCK mom! Did you really have to --’

‘Language young man! ..Especially in front of ladies.’ Marianne looked over the shoulder of her lanky teen son to find the shy expression of one equally embarrassed Ellie.

‘Hello Mrs. Cavill...’ She squeaked before noticing the fiercely blushing young boy next to Marianne. ‘..Henry.’  

Henry felt his chubby cheeks burn even more. Oh why was he like this with girls?

‘This is not working out...It’s not you, it’s me...’ Her words swam in the back of his head, tumbling around like his brain had turned on the dirty laundry setting of his conscience. Henry felt nauseated, tired and utterly empty as he lay here on the couch of his friend, his hands folded over the phone on his chest. He had thought she was the one. Starry eyed and hair black as night. That smile throwing him off whenever he saw it. She was still the one, right? Why oh why did she not want to work through this? Why did this have to be the end? Why did she have to decide for him how to feel about all this? Why not put in the darn fucking work?!  

Looking to his right he heard the soft snoring of the puppy they had adopted only months ago. His body was all disproportionate with his floppy ears and oversized lanky paws. Henry sighed. At least he still had Kal.

‘Welcome Mr. Cavill and thank you for travelling with us.’ The pretty asian lady handed him back his boarding pass with a smile that was near inappropriately close to a flirt. Henry didn’t mind though. Mind a kind smile his large paw retrieved the most used book in his life: his passport, and stepped to the side as they checked Leah’s boarding pass as well. Leah did not receive that same flirtatious look, the asian lady barely offering Leah a glance as her eyes already roved on to the next business man who stepped in line.

Leah raised an eyebrow at him and Henry couldn’t help but offer his dear PA an even wider smile to compensate. ‘What’s the matter with you today?’ She asked, chuckling as her legs moved past him to start their way down the white tunnel of led lights and muffled blue carpet.

‘Absolutely nothing dear Leah.’ Henry smiled. Most women came and went in his life, but at least Leah was here to stay. Like Kal she was one of the few who were true friends to him.

In for it through thick and thin.

‘So what do you think of King Pellenore?’ Young Henry shuffled a little closer to the girl who was sitting on the other edge of the school yard bench. Rosy cheeked and hunched over in his hand-me-down blazer he eyed the sweet red haired girl that seemed to share his fascination with reading. They had worked together on a group project a week ago and he couldn’t help but be interested in her.

Finally she looked up, Anne, her brown eyes skittishly skimming over him before both their ears picked up the sound of a bunch of classmates laughing. Laughing at them. Him. With a small “o” on her mouth the girl quickly grabbed her belongings and rushed inside, leaving Henry alone on the bench, his hands nervously picking at his backpack as the other kids threw him some mean comments.

Fat Cavill. Nerd. Sissy. Fool!

Was he really such a failure with girls?

‘Kal! OH NO...KAL! Give that back!....naughtyyyy.’ Bent through his cracking knees Henry tried to reach for the book that his dog had snatched from the coffee table. But the pup was quick. With a cheeky side eye he glanced at Henry before sprinting down to the hallway, nails tapping on the slippery tile floor. He was near full grown now, but had antics in abundance - and sharp teeth to grab anything and everything he could drag around. Shoes, socks and his new favourite: books.

Chasing after the Akita, Henry followed him down to the kitchen; the home thankfully anything but large and with a few large steps he had managed to chase the dog into a corner, hands grabbing him by the collar before he pried the slimy book from his maw. ‘Oh well would you look at that..’ Henry sighed and tried to swipe some of the doggy drool off the leather bound cover. He had started to read King Arthur again, but his dog was clearly just as little a fan as his old classmates had been. Though of course the dog was not really being mean: he just thought it was time to go out, play, run, chase squirrels!

‘You are one cheeky bugger, you know that?’ Henry looked down at the Akita who sat down, looking up at him with big puppy eyes. It was hard to stay mad at him for long.

‘You sure you’re okay with this?’ Charlie settled down in the comfy hotel deck chair, the Californian sun burning down on their heads.

‘Why of course! I mean, I’ll still tease you like any good older brother. But you LOVE her you big Sissywat. Of course you’re going to marry her.’

‘Haa…’ Charlie sighed and looked at the pool where some women were lounging on sunbeds. ‘..well I guess here’s to the last days as a truly single man?’

Henry raised an eyebrow from behind his sunglasses. ‘I really don’t get how people think you’re still single before the ring’s on the finger.’ He sniffled as Charlie shrugged.

‘It’s just a saying, Hen.’

‘Well single or not, you better take good care of her, will you?’

‘Of course! Each and every day, with every make-up stain on my blouse and every cold foot giving me first degree freeze burns beneath the bed sheets.’ Charlie clinked his beer with Henry’s.

‘For better or worse!’ The brothers laughed.

‘Don’t want to stay for breakfast?’ Henry sat up to see his late-night ladylove squeeze herself back into her skinny jeans. Her round butt cheeks didn’t seem to cooperate and he had to resist from pulling her back into the bed so he could convince her to stay. 

‘No, thanks.’ She inhaled deeply so she could zip up the tight jean fabric. 

‘Will I see you again?’ Henry internally scolded himself for sounding so insecure. 

The woman shot him a confused look. ‘I don’t think I’ll be in London any day soon. It was fun though. Hey,’ She crawled up onto the bed and Henry rolled onto his back in hope she’d at least give him a kiss, her body folding over him. ‘ah there it is.’ With a swift hand movement she retrieved her bra from behind his pillow. ‘Gotta go, my cab is here.’ She pushed herself back off the bed and grabbed her bag. With one last glance and smile she was out the door. ‘Bye Superman!’ 

Henry felt his heart sink. Oh Henry you fool!

‘OH CRAP!’  The woman in the business class chair next to Henry shot up from her seat, hands pulling a book away from what appeared to be a fallen over drink. ‘Shitshitshit.’ She quickly bit her lip and anxiously started to look around for something to wipe down the mess. Henry killed the music in his ear.

‘Love is like.. --’

‘Oh dammit.’ She scrunched up her nose as she realised how much of the juice had fallen over her book; it was just about ruined, pages soaking up the berry purple colour.

‘Here.!’ Henry sat up and quickly grabbed some tissues from his travel bag; having a slightly messy dog taught you to always be prepared.

‘Thanks.’ The woman breathed, some staff now also joining in to help clean the mess and put the book on a tray before it’d contaminate anything else. It took a good minute before it was all cleaned and gone, the brown haired banana-sock-wearing business woman settling down in her chair with a sigh.

‘You alright?’ Henry asked. It was the first words they shared after a whole hour of flight, her attention first having been preoccupied with her laptop or..reading, which now seemed out of the question.

‘Yea..yea..’ She shook her head and looked at Henry. Mediterranean turquoise eyes hidden behind thick glasses, her low brown-haired ponytail slightly disheveled after being smushed into the seat.

‘Was it a good book?’

‘Yea..just some..old timer. Good ol’ ..King Arthur.’ She hushed the last words as if she felt awkward about admitting she was reading a children’s book.

Henry blinked for a moment as he looked at her, his brain short circuiting before he turned to rummage through his bags again.

‘Oh am I..Is there something on my face?’ She grabbed for her glasses and took them off to look at them with squinting eyes.

‘No no, please. Eh..’ Henry raised the chewed and mauled, but ever loved copy he had bought himself all those years ago. ‘..just..coincidence I guess.’ He reached out his rendition of King Arthur and His Knights to her.

‘Well have you there. Leather bound too!’

‘And absolutely destroyed, also. I think these books just ..beg..to be harmed haha.’

‘You have a dog? Or..’ She pushed her glasses back on her nose and let her finger trace over the large indents.. ‘..bear..perhaps?’

Henry laughed. ‘No no. Just a dog. A large one. But, deep inside still very much a sweet pup.’

‘Apologies.’ A flight attendant halted as the glassed woman turned to look up. ‘We are seeing to the drying of your book. Though I’m afraid we do not have anything to get the stain out.. -’

‘Oh, that’s quite alright. Please.’

‘Could we perhaps offer you a new refreshment?’

‘Some wine would be great. WHITE wine..’ The woman grinned. ‘..less chance of stains.’

The flight attendant nodded, before Henry quickly interjected. ‘I’ll have one as well.’

‘Chardonnay, Sauvignon?’

The woman turned to Henry and with a dapper smile he picked their choosing.

‘You just gotta be yourself man.’ Henry’s skinny, beanie-hatted friend spoke, inhaling the saturating smoke of his Red Dragon joint. The whole room was some kind of blue, bean bags scattered around the Californian apartment, people lounging and chilling in their daze.

Henry inhaled deeply and felt the wooze of a broken heart and drugs fight an odd battle inside his heavy chest. He felt both extremely relaxed and extremely wrong for being here; shouldn’t he be trying his best to get her back?

‘What if I never find anyone to be with me?’ The chubby boy inside him spoke, unsure blue eyes peering out at the ceiling that seemed to move and dance before him. The whole world had slowed down, but his mind tried its best to keep going.

‘Hey,’ His friend struggled up from his beanbag, making Henry fall to his side. ‘you’re a good guy mate. You hear me? You’re a GOOD guy. And if you’d be gay I’d totally..totally do you.’ His friend burst into a fit of giggles before he cleared his throat and shook his head to clear his mind. ‘No, but really. Don’t change for the girl, ever. Yea? You’re such a good guy.’

Henry wondered if this is what Kal felt like. 

Good boy! Good boy! 

‘Where’s your book?’ Leah had to speed up to keep up with the light long steps of Henry as they moved through the long airport hall for their connecting flight. Henry smiled and looked over his shoulder.

‘Who said it again? If you love something, let it go?’

Leah frowned and with a few more fast steps got in line with him. ‘You are a handful! You know that Cavill? I ran my lungs out to--’

‘Leah. It’s fine. I gave it to someone who I’m sure will love it even more than I could ever.’

Leah puffed and, from the way her cheeks already burned, Henry decided to slow his pace.

‘And if she doesn’t appreciate it, I can always buy a new one.’

‘She? Did I miss something?’ Leah hoisted up the bag on her shoulder and shook her head. ‘You and your romantic antics.’

‘Incorrigible Cavill.’ Henry mimicked her voice, before smiling down at her. Leah rolled her eyes.

‘You said it first!’

‘One very high man once told me I just have to be myself. So that’s what I’ll do. And who knows..’ he hinted at a Valentine’s day poster they passed by. ‘..Love is like oxygen!’

--

Go to PART 2 > 

--

General Tagsquad: @harrysthiccthighss @tumblnewby @magdelen69 @thereisa8ella @mary-ann84 @darkbooksarwin @summersong69 @madbaddic7ed @luclittlepond @maroonmolly @just-a-normal-fangirl18 @hell1129-blog @agniavateira​ @tillthelandslide @elinesama @maddyreads14

@beck07990​ 

[illogicalthinking]

Listen

A/n: Ellie and I were discussing this idea in the discord server ages ago and alas this happened. Also big thanks to the Logang for helping me and believing in me.

Word count: 1,169

Warnings: angst with a happy ending, morally grey sides, roman is a tiny bit mean (but he apologises) crying.

——————

It is a surprise to nobody that the logical side loves to learn. Logan could tell you anything you wanted to know; teaching exhilarates him so much. However, nothing pleases him more than his room being in such a disarray. Why? Because the clutter of books, pens, pencils, notepads and other nick nacks shows that Thomas is willingly learning something new!

You see, the state of Logans room depends on Thomas. If Thomas is willingly learning something new whatever he is learning will portray itself in clutter all over Logans floor, bookcase and desk. However, the longer Thomas doesn’t acquire any new knowledge the cleaner Logans room becomes. Much to Logans dismay.

Growing up, Logans room was in a constant state of chaos. Books, pens notecards, projects all took residence in Logans room, Keeping him company. However, once Thomas chose entertainment over chemical engineering his room gradually became tidier and tidier until one day Logans room was immaculate. There was no longer anything taking residence in the logical sides room and for the first time in his life he was truly alone.

————-

The loneliness had never quite left his side after that. No matter where he went loneliness’ nimble fingers wrapped themselves tight around his throat, leaving him with a constant tightness in his chest and a gaping hole in his heart. No longer did Logan feel any positive emotions. Thomas destroyed all emotions Logan may have had felt in his youth when Thomas chose to entertain rather than to save the planet leaving his room permanently immaculate in the process. Afterall what exactly had Thomas learnt from entertaining?

However, Logan could never tell the others how painful it is to be reminded of how Thomas chose Roman over him every time he walks into his room, the evidence is all there; Thomas is clearly happier performing rather than when he was learning. Logan had spent most of his existence ensuring Thomas remains healthy and happy and if that means Logan has to endure emotional conflict every time he rises up to his spot in Thomas’ living room, then so be it, besides who cares about what Logan thinks?  

The sides have made it perfectly clear he is unwanted; they only keep him around when they want to prove a point, he is merely a tool for them to use whenever they please, nothing more. Logan wishes he could miss the way the other sides completely disregard his input or brush aside his concerns regarding Thomas’ career path. He tried bringing up his concerns once before but all that led him to, was a promotion from acquaintance to the new antagonist. Since then, Logan has kept all his crippling insecurities locked up in a metaphorical box and only himself has access to the key, he cannot risk being a disappointment ever again.

The sides don't even know about Logans predicament with his room, they had always assumed Logan was some sort of clean freak but if they personally knew him, they would know that was the opposite of the truth. Logan worked best in mess, not in a constant reminder that Thomas did not care about him.

However, the state of Logans room changed after a particular event.

Thomas had called upon the sides to discuss ideas for future episodes, Logan did not know why Thomas had even called upon him, it's not like any of them will listen to what he has to say, as soon as he opens his mouth to contribute he will be interrupted by one of the others or even Thomas himself but he still rose up anyway, after all Thomas needed him.

---

Logan was starting to become frustrated; this discussion had been happening for hours now and nobody had let him have a say. One more try couldn’t hurt. Logan thought to himself.  

“I have an proposit-”

“Oh, hush bill nye the science tie, creativity is not your area of expertise it is mine, besides all you care about is math anyway” Roman hissed bitterly.

“Pump the breaks princey! let's hear Logan out instead of disregarding him like we usually do”  

Well that was new, Thomas had never defended him before. An unusual warmth blossomed in the logical side's chest, making him feel that buzz of excitement he hadn't experienced since he was young.

“Thank you Thomas. As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by Roman, I have a proposition in relation to the next sanders sides episode”  

“What idea do you have in mind Logan?” Thomas spoke softly.

“How about we film an educational vid-”

“An educational video really? Sounds stupid” Roman hissed.

“Roman at least let me state my idea before you make a judgement” Logan exclaimed sharply. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take.

“My bad. I'm sorry Logan” Roman guiltily said.  

“It is quite alright Roman” Logan spoke softly, he could see the guilt swimming in Romans eyes, and he hated it.  

“My proposition is to film an educational but informative video discussing different techniques on how to set a healthy routine. Thomas you are in desperate need of an efficient routine and I'm sure many of the viewers are in need of one too”

“Logan, I love that idea, I can't wait to begin researching!” Thomas spoke, buzzing with excitement.

“Well it seems we have resolved the problem, I will be going, goodbye Thomas” Logan tried not to let his excitement show but Thomas listened to him! He actually liked one of his ideas, how could he not be excited?!

Logan sunk back into the common room to read the tempest and shovel crofters into his mouth, after all he deserved it, Thomas defended and listened to him, he couldn’t believe this!

Three jars and a finished book later, Logan decided to start working on Thomas’ schedule. Nobody followed Logans schedule, but he could not help hoping that one day they might appreciate the time and effort that is put into them.

Logan marched up the stairs to his bedroom with a spring in his step but froze when he opened his door. The once immaculate room was now a mess, pens, pencils littered the logical sides desk, books and notepads were sprawled all over his bedroom floor and bed, he couldn’t believe it for the first time since Thomas’ career change he was learning something!

Logan broke.

The logical sides knees buckled from under him, causing him to collapse onto his messy floor. Logans bottom lip quivered, and the tears came all at once. Audible sobs squeezed through his tight throat and escaped his lips. He tried to stifle them with his hands so the others could nothear him breaking down. He can't believe it; his room hadn’t been messy since Thomas started YouTube but now it was in utter chaos.

Logan did not know how long he remained sitting on the floor with hot tears streaming down his face, but he did know one thing:

Thomas finally listened

[in-a-cave-with]

Hey, I sent an ask talking abt how Tony’s ego flaw isn’t a bad thing. I did read old im comics ..& yes I did find him boring. It’s only after Ellis run did I enjoy the character. Tony has always had an ego. Stan Lee created him for controversy. Even preMCU, he always thought he could make decision for everyone ie AW&CW. His ego has always been there. Idk why some of u want him to be this overtly emotional fragile insecure man that he isnt . Yall projecting ur insecurities on the character. Stop

there is so much to unpack here.

1. "yes i did read old iron man comics yes i did find him boring.” once again confirming that you have no taste and cannot read . 

in the wise words of @mayormurdock, 

1.5. and also saying that “stan lee created him for controversy” even though you’re bent on trying to tell me that older comics some of which were written by stan lee are bad actually ???? please pick a struggle

2. i’m ...genuinely curious as to how you read ellis’ run and maintained that tony’s Huge Ego is a thing that exists when

like. jfc you’re missing the ENTIRE point if you read iron man: extremis and your takeaway is “his huge ego is his biggest flaw” NO. SHUT UP. one of the biggest themes of ellis’ run is tony’s struggle with morality and doing the right thing. how much his decisions and mistakes can hurt people because of how much power he has and the things that he could do to help people if he wasn’t iron man but doesn’t and how he KNOWS this and struggles to “look at himself in the mirror”. it’s establishing a darker aspect to a character who’s been around for a really long time and taking it in a new direction, building on the theme of guilt and responsibility in the older comics (that you can see in some of the screenshots in this post). 

3. i think i literally already explained this before but civil war is a badly written comic and a stupid concept and it is only partially saved by the writers who actually understand tony and steve (i.e. bendis, the knauf brothers, brubaker). here is a meta i wrote for tony during civil war 

also i feel like you’re confusing “ego” with tony’s control issues, which is an actual flaw that he canonically has??. multiple times throughout imv1 (most notably in armor wars) his technology is used for a bad purpose/he’s indirectly responsible for something bad happening. in imv3, the iron man suit is used to kill rumiko. in the arc following ellis’ run in imv4 (execute program), tony gets his brain hacked and causes the deaths of multiple people. the point is that tony feels responsible for the bad things that happen because of his actions or situations that got out of his control (because he knows he had the power to stop them but he didn’t), which is why he tends to self-isolate and take things into his own hands without telling anyone. it’s not because he thinks he’s better than everyone so he Must make decisions for them, it’s because he genuinely fears not being able to stop something bad from happening when he has the ability to do so. this is also connected to how tony views himself as the “futurist”: he actively shapes the future and tries his hardest to create a good one. i think this bit in what if? civil war really nails it

and also this:

4. this would be really fucked up if i was projecting all of this onto tony lmfao i am not making this up!!!!!!! this is canon!!!!!!!! ft some quotes from some official marvel people to end this bc ahhhh why is this so long

-alejandro arbona (the editor for invincible iron man) in iron man #500

-gerry conway via the literal wikipedia page for iron man

[davalynbaker]

insecure as f*ck (se01-ep01)

As all seven of you know (thank you for the add!), I set out on revisiting Issa’s past relationships to see how her and Molly got to where they are now. It’s actually kind of funny to see the way Issa and Molly’s lives have done a bit of a switch over the past four seasons. The best way this show can be revisited is through an abridged timeline so let’s get to the chaos.

Episode one is written by Issa Rae & Larry Wilmore, while being directed by Melina Matsoukas. Music used in this episode. 

Our protagonist, Issa (Issa Rae) introduces us to her story through the form of narration. (an homage to the youtube series, Awkward Black Girl) We learn that it’s her birthday, she’s at a job she hates, and in a relationship she hates even more. She laments about not being as successful or well-liked as her best friend Molly (Yvonne Orji). All these things are true with the exception of her love life which is pretty much in the pits.

After having a not so great day at work, Issa’s high school crush, Daniel (Y’lan Noel), hits her up and tells her happy birthday and the simple gesture has her fantasizing about dating him instead of her current boyfriend. It doesn’t play out like this but you can definitely see it in the eyes.

Molly treats Issa to a birthday dinner but it’s really just an outing where she complains about her relationship problems. Though Issa didn’t mind because Molly catches herself and realizes what she’s doing, it really has to suck spending your birthday consoling everyone around you.

Molly complains that she’s having a hard time dating and Issa jokes that maybe she has a “broken pussy.” These scenes are my favorite in the series, where it’s best friends sitting around talking shit and getting full of liquor. When their dinner is over, Issa confesses that she wants to break up with Lawrence and gets heavy criticism from her friend. Molly has issues projecting her own feelings onto other people’s situations. Let your best friend complain, damn. It’s her birthday! Also, what is it with people telling you not to break up with someone not romantically compatible with you just to avoid living the single life. Molly was so heavily obsessed with being in a relationship from the very beginning that she was willing to try and talk her friend out of breaking up with a partner that was pretty much dead weight at this point. 

Y’all, if you’re reading this: don’t do that to your friends. Let them get their feelings out and give them sound advice, if you can*. A sound piece of advice from me to you is that it isn’t always about you.

We’re then introduced to Lawrence (Jay Ellis), who is supposed to spend the rest of the evening with Issa for her birthday. He gives her what I like to call a dry as hell “happy birthday” and when she realizes he’s not dressed to go out, he begins to talk about how he failed his job interview and just isn’t in the mood to celebrate. So what does she do? She sits on the couch with this grown man and spends the rest of the birthday comforting him.

We meet this couple five years into their relationship and nothing has happened to show Issa that it’s headed anywhere. Imagine spending five years of your life with someone and feeling like you wasted most of them. Let’s do some quick math here: If Issa is turning twenty-nine and she’s been with Lawrence for five years now, it’s safe to say that she met him either near the end of college or right when she was out of it. He’s possibly been jobless the majority of that time and been taking a job interview here and there while Issa carries the load of this relationship the entire time. 

Now does that add up?

Earlier in the episode, Issa lets the audience know that she’s “aggressively passive” which, in short, means that she does not know how to effectively communicate when she has a problem. Knowing this, I can see why Lawrence feels comfortable lying on the couch complaining about one job interview and not taking his girlfriend out on her birthday. But Issa, you need to speak up. You can’t be miserable at both work and home - a home that you’re solely paying the rent and utilities for.

It’s MY opinion that Lawrence is sticking around because he’s comfortable and essentially, has no other place to go. He has no job, he has no motivation, and he really has nothing much to offer. He doesn't even offer Issa emotional support. He didn’t ask her how her day was, if her birthday was good, if her coworkers even did anything for her…

Issa and Lawrence are both depressed but it’s doubly frustrating when there’s an imbalance in support. Job hunting is stressful, trust me. And considering that in the real world, we’re currently smack dab in the middle of a pandemic it’s oh so much worse. However, I think we can agree that not doing something for your girlfriend’s birthday because you failed a job interview is pretty shitty. If I were Issa I’d be happy that my high school crush is sending me DMS too. Lawrence’s inability to give Issa the things she feels she needs out of a relationship pushes her closer to Daniel. 

Molly has a rough day at work after finding out her coworker is engaged while she’s being paid dust by men in her life so Issa uses that as an excuse to go to a club because Daniel is producing one of the acts. Later as Issa prepares to go out with Molly in an attempt to cheer her up, Lawrence makes a joke that Molly’s standards are far too high to get a boyfriend. And Issa says, “yeah, maybe she should lower them like I did.” 

It takes him a minute but he catches the snark and Issa runs off before they can talk more about it but not before she passive aggressively suggests that they should break up. Molly figures out that it’s a scam once she sees that Issa and Daniel link up at the bar but she doesn’t have too much of a fit about it because she meets Jered (Langston Kerman) and they hit it off really well.

As Issa and Daniel reminisce on their high school days, she learns there’s an open mic night and Daniel encourages her to participate. 

Now, if you’ve watched the show you can’t forget something as wild as “Broken Pussy” but if you need your memory refreshed here you go. This song was inspired entirely by the conversation Issa and Molly had in the restaurant where Issa told her that her pussy was “broken.”

Molly is rightfully upset despite Issa’s aloofness to her anger, happy that she took a risk and received a good reception for it. And it doesn’t matter that nobody in the crowd knew who she was rapping about, Molly knew! And really, it's about the principle. Molly emotionally goes off on Issa about making a very serious issue she’s dealing with the butt of a joke and Issa is super dismissive. Issa, girl, what the hell? 

During Molly’s rant about how obviously utterly messed up all this is, Daniel is texting Issa telling her to swing by. And even worse, Issa replies during Molly’s breakdown. Knowing that she was merely a pawn in Issa’s attempt to hang out with Daniel, Molly tells her that if she cheats on Lawrence with Daniel then she’s just as dumb a bitch as she [Molly] is. Issa feels bad that she upsets her friend but not upset enough to go and visit Daniel.

What is this thing that people do where they put potential romantic partners before friends? Selfishness? It’s not that Issa doesn’t care about Molly but she was determined to rekindle something with Daniel that she literally left her best friend upset to go hang with a guy. I can’t speak for anyone but myself but I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be able to have a good night’s sleep without having resolved that. When Daniel does not give Issa what she wants, who is she going to turn to complain about it? 

But alas, Issa and Daniel’s meet-up is not met with the expectations Issa set. For the first time in this episode, she speaks up after Daniel kisses her and tells him how she’s going through a break-up and does not want her next relationship to go sour the way it did with Lawrence. The gag? Daniel tells her that he’s not looking for anything serious and feeling humbled and possibly a little betrayed at her own self for projecting something that wasn’t there, Issa goes back to Molly to set things right.

Final Thoughts: Listen to your friends. Care for your friends. And let yourselves be cared for by your friends. And dump that dude if you feel like it’s headed nowhere.

*Give them advice IF you can. If you can’t, just listen and hug them and don’t make it about you. You don’t need to be Iyanla Vanzant when it comes to a friendship. Effie, we all got pains!

See y’all next Sunday!

[taste-in-music]

My Favorite Hit Songs of 2019

This year’s crop of popular music was... absolutely bonkers? I mean, this year we had Billie Eilish crash into the mainstream, Lizzo managed to get multiple hits out of songs she released nearly three years ago, the Jonas Brothers made a comeback, and the longest-running #1 hit in Billboard history became a rap/country crossover that got its start on Tik Tok made by a complete nobody and the dad from Hannah Montana. I’m going to admit, this list was pretty hard to put together, as I found it hard to find 10 songs that I genuinely loved that were hits this year. Despite that, the sheer absurdity of this year’s popular music gave me a spark of hope going into the new decade. For this list, I’ll be selecting my favorite songs off of Billboard’s year end Hot 100 songs list. I’m ready to recount this year in music, so...

10) Sucker by Jonas Brothers I never watched the Jonas Brothers show or listened to their music back when they were big on Disney, so I’ve got no nostalgic investment in them. However, this was a fun comeback to watch play out. This song was pretty dang good for a while, with the funky guitars and the instantly catchy lyrics. It reminded me of “Feel It Still” by Portugal. The Man. Then it got the point where three separate radio stations were playing it at the same time, and now I can barely stand it. I think that after the radio releases this song from its clutches it will warm up on me again though, because I do like it overall.

9) Better by Khalid The strongest attribute of this song is its ATMOSPHERE. The beat, melody, and vocal delivery all compliment one another perfectly, combining to create a smooth, almost sexy sound that washes over you with ever listen. I also like the Daft-Punk-y vocoded lines that pop in at the end, they’re so unexpected and yet they fit in perfectly. I've always loved Khalid’s vocal timbre, it’s so chill and yet warm at the same time. The only thing I can’t praise about this is the lyrics, because I have no clue what they are. Khalid, bless his sweet soul, cannot enunciate. It’s the same problem I have with Ariana Grande. I love your voice, I want to know what you’re saying! 

8) Trampoline by SHAED Give me the hipster points, because guess who knew about this song before it was cool! I’ve loved SHAED’s music for some time now, so it’s been thrilling to watch this song climb the charts and for them to get the recognition and success that they deserve. While this song isn’t my favorite by them, (that slot would probably be reserved for “Perfume” or “Melt,”) it does showcase the group’s strengths, which are emotive vocals and glossy electronic production. I love the effervescent backing vocals and bubbling keys that pepper this song, it gives the song a floaty feel while still keeping it tense. 

7) Old Town Road by Lil Nas X ft. Billy Ray Cyrus I can’t think of a piece of music in recent memory that has captured the public’s attention so swiftly and so completely, and you know what? Sometimes something gets big because it’s good. This song, despite all the memes and jokes and radio play and oversaturation, never ever got old to me. Every time it comes on, it puts a giant, goofy smile on my face, and I sing along to the whole thing. I want Lil Nas X to stick around, but even if he doesn’t, I want what this song represents, genre blending, trend-bucking, and a sense of fuck-it fun, to stay.

6) bury a friend by Billie Eilish Out of all the strange hits we had this year, this was the weirdest one to hear on the radio. It doesn’t have a classic structure! It’s about the monster under your bed! It’s got nothing but a shuffle beat, bass, and the sound of dental drill! It just doesn’t belong on the airwaves next to songs like “ME!” or “I Don’t Care.” Despite that, I’m beyond happy that Billie Eilish is bringing a bit of emo weirdness to the mainstream, because if the success of her music, specifically this song, says anything, it’s that pop is heading in a far scarier and more experimental direction. And I’m on board with that. 

5) break up with your girfriend, i’m bored by Ariana Grande The groove on this song is fantastic. The combination of eerie synths, bass, reverbed backing vocals, and rolling snares makes it feel tight and controlled, but also loose and flowing at the same time. There was a lot of pushback against this song due the sentiment of the lyrics, but it’s not like Ariana is unaware that she’s the bad guy in this position. There’s enough indifference and sarcasm in her delivery to show that she’s self aware. This was probably my favorite out of the hit singles from the thank u, next era, (”thank u, next” is great but got a bit old to me, and I don’t care for “7 Rings.”) 

4) Circles by Post Malone  This is embarrassing to admit, because I rarely, if ever, enjoyed any music Post Malone has put out in the past. But this song just hits different. The instrumental feels more acoustic-driven and has a nice pulse to it, projecting a warmth and comfort that none of his other songs have. This was a perfect hit for Autumn, being chill and relaxing enough for Summer, but the underlying bass groove makes you want to move into the productive patterns of the school year. If Post Malone made more music like this I’d reckon I’d enjoy his music quite a bit. 

3) Dancing With A Stranger by Sam Smith ft. Normani Sometimes radio filler turns out to be spectacular. The ambiance this track builds is relaxing but in an otherworldly kind of way, forming a soundscape of echoing drums and whispering synths. I’ve always stood by the opinion that Sam Smith sounds really good with an electronic beat under them, it helps their great voice move in a more free-flowing way. Normani also sounds amazing on this song, her vocals dipping into smokier territory, and when the two sing together they play off one another’s performances with ease. 

2) Sweet But Psycho by Ava Max Who predicted this in their last year’s hit song’s list? This bitch! I was so happy to see this hit the U.S. charts, you have no idea. It was such a breath of fresh air in that it was so splashy, sugar-sweet, and unabashedly pop. The lyrics are some of the silliest of the whole year, (”she’s poison but tasty” makes me chuckle every time,) but it doesn’t matter. The addictive melodies and the earnestness in Ava Max’s performance make them sound like Shakespearean poetry, or at least like she believes that they’re Shakespearean poetry. 

Should Have Been Hits

Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift This should’ve been a single. I get why Taylor chose the singles she did, but this was primed to be a Summer smash, with the glossy synths and vocoded backing vocals and soaring chorus. We were robbed. Robbed, I tell you!

Graveyard by Halsey While “Without Me” got all the glory, this is my favorite of all the Halsey singles we’ve gotten so far by a wide margin. It’s the only one that I’ve made the conscious choice to listen to on my own time for one. I love the way the production rushes as the chorus hits, and the synths that sparkle throughout the verses, and Halsey’s reserved performance.

3 Nights by Dominic Fike This was a hit in the U.K., and I even heard it on a few alternative stations, so why no cross over? If there was any song that should have been the chill Summer hip hop hit, it should have been this. This song is weirdly addictive, the chorus is so inexplicably catchy that once you hear it one time through you will know all the words to it. 

Blame It On Your Love by Charli XCX ft. Lizzo When the mainstream decide that it didn’t need Charli XCX? Because it’s wrong, it needs her very, very badly. The success of “1999″ in the U.K., the name recognition, and the Lizzo feature should’ve been more than enough to boost this onto the charts, but I guess we didn’t want an instantly catchy and fun EDM pop song on the radio. Oh well. 

Motivation by Normani Normani and Lauren are my favorite Fifth Harmony members, so I’ve been rooting for their solo careers like nobody’s business. This single in particular had so much potential: a bouncy beat, a stamp of approval from Ariana Grande, and a kick-ass music video filled with impressive choreography. I hope this gets a bigger push into next year, because Normani is a wildly talented performer that deserves success outside of her collaborations. 

Guilty Pleasures

bad guy by Billie Eilish This was a good song, just not my favorite off the album, or of the hits, (I prefer ”bury a friend,” obviously, and “when the party’s over,” which made last year’s list.) Still, watching this idiosyncratic little tune become one of the biggest pop smashes of the year was enthralling. Like “bury a friend,” it was so strange to hear this on the radio. 

Close To Me by Ellie Goulding ft. Diplo & Swae Lee When a melody gets its claws in me, there’s nothing I can do about it. This is not Ellie Goulding at her best, (I’ll admit that I miss the days of “Lights,”) but the way she delivers the hook on this song is absolutely infectious. I’m not the biggest Swae Lee fan, but he’s fine here too. I never minded when this song came on the radio. 

This year was a bit of a roller coaster for me. Needless to say, there were several instances where I felt quite a bit of stress and insecurity, and oftentimes, I would turn to music to make myself feel better. There was one song in particular that a friend of mine, @hasanminajs​, introduced me to, that instantly became a beacon of self-appreciation and enjoyment to me throughout the year. And when I tell you that I have never been happier to hear a song on the radio than I have with this one, I'm telling the truth. 

1) Truth Hurts by Lizzo I have never rooted for a song’s success like I have for this one, and watching a hip hop track this bouncy, confident, and enigmatic climb the charts was an absolute joy. There are so many great punchlines in this song, from “why men great till they gotta be great?” to “I don’t play tag bitch, I’ve been it,” to the ever-iconic “I just took a DNA test, turns out, I’m 100% that bitch.” This song raised the standards for lyricism in the mainstream. I want Lizzo to be huge, I want her to be influential, I want her to be one of the biggest pop stars of the next decade if not longer. Everything about this song, from its production to its message to its performance makes me smile. And you know what? Sometimes that’s all that pop music needs to do. 

Do you agree with this list? What were your favorite hit songs of 2019? Leave a comment and let me know!

[writemoment]

Shattered Ice Pt.2

Writer: Ellie-Mae (Pen Name)

Part: 2/2

Previous Parts: 1

Summary: After catching her boyfriend with another, Y/n attempts to salvage the remaining pieces of her life. What will happen when Loki refuses to disappear from the narrative?

Pairing: Marvel Loki x Reader

Warnings/Rated: Angst, heart wrenching and eventual fluff.

Word Count: 4,445

A/N: You guys asked for it- so here it is!! I wasn’t expecting the grand feedback from part one. Thank you! Just a reminder that requests are OPEN and I’d love to her from you! Enjoy.

( Reader ) P.O.V.

Blue eyes. Dark hair. Soon embraced by the foreign. Embraced by someone other than me.

Gasping for breath, I startle out of bed. Cold sweat collects in beads against my hairline and scattered in a thin layer across my skin. Breaths come out in erratic pants as I swallow down my jolted awakening.

It’s been three months since Loki and I split, yet I still find myself dreaming of him nightly. Dreams of seeing him turn into nightmares. Night terrors filled with being frozen and not being able to reach him. Of him leaving me.

The dim morning glow faintly shows through my curtain and I decide to get up, knowing it would be close to impossible to fall back asleep. As I swing my legs from the mattress, my toe nudges the cardboard box underneath my bed.

I try not to think about the squared package as I move my way to the bathroom, determined to start my day off right. But even as I brush my teeth, my mind wanders back to the contents tucked away. Shaking it off, I finish up my routine before grabbing my coat and heading out.

Outside feels a bit chilled with a warm undertone, but I still tuck myself away from the harsh feeling of being in the public eye. Ever since that night, my insecurities have tripled. I don’t go out much, even if Gabbie and Brittney beg me. Work is really the only thing that forces me from the confines of my apartment. 

Walking through the morning commute traffic, I’ve become an expert at blending in with the crowd. Becoming nothing but another face among the others. Forgettable, even to the ones you loved. The ones you love.

My thoughts have been in this terrible cycle for so many days, I can’t allow myself to break free. I must have gotten caught up, once again, because I stumble into a body that I hadn’t registered.

“I’m so sorry! I wasn’t payi-”

My voice gets caught in my throat as I stare into breathtaking, blue eyes. Those eyes used to be my sanctuary, now nothing but fuel for the ache inside me. “Y/n.” He says, clearly surprised by this encounter.

Quickly, I push away from him and pull my coat closer to me. “Loki.” His name tastes bitter on my tongue and I fight the urge to curl my nose at the awkward atmosphere that has bubbled around us.

“How have you been?” He asks, casually. I want to be mad. I really, really do. Yet, all I feel is a deep sadness as I stand there in front of him. So small and weak, this feeling is overwhelming. 

With a tight-lipped smile, I try to be as friendly as I can without displaying my emotions, “I’m doing alright. Just on my way to work.” His eyes watch me with curiosity. It makes me wonder if he has thought of me during these past months. Whether I was worth even a second of his thoughts.

Loki nods, seeming thoughtful. People rush past us as we stand, like still rocks in a rushing river. “Y/n, about that night-” He starts but I can’t. Shaking my head, I cut him off with an emotionless laugh.

He furrows his brows, seeming confused by this reaction. With a new found confidence, I look straight at him. Letting out a cough to clear my throat, I stare straight into those icy orbs and mutter, “I feel nothing.”

Slack, his face falls and I walk past him, weaving into the busy. With every step I take, I plead that these tears don’t fall. I know that, one day, I won’t feel this pain over Loki. But today, it just hurts like hell.

****

( Loki ) P.O.V.

Quite literally, running into Y/n wasn’t what I had expected to occur when I went out for the morning. Having her in my arms after so long felt like a slice of familiarity in which I hadn’t realized I craved. 

My name rolls from her lips with a distaste I had never seen paired together. The longing overtakes me and my words spill forth when I ask her how she has been. 

Y/n’s features tighten as she answers me with minimal details. Gods, have I missed her... After that night, three months ago, I feel this vacancy inside me. The memories of her are the only temporary relief I get from that hollow pain. 

People push around us but I pay them no mind, “Y/n, about that night-” As soon as I start, I am cut to an abrupt stop. Her hair splays across her skin as she shakes her head. An icy laugh sends chills down my spine and fills the emptiness with the most bitter of feelings.

Her beautiful eyes, the ones that once gazed so fondly upon me, are empty with nothing but my reflection. And as she coughs, I realize that I’ve shattered the most important thing I had in my life.

“I feel nothing.”

My mouth falls agape and my chest stings from this new knowledge. Without another word, not even another glance, she stalks past me and disappears into the busy crowds. If I searched close enough, I could have caught up with her, but my vision blurs and I remain frozen to the spot.

****

Y/n is constantly connected to my thoughts. Every action, every occurrence- it all traces back to her. To the utter betrayal that swirled behind her pupils that night. The very memory of it cuts me with a sharpness, completely unbearable.

The truth is; I never did cheat on her...

What Y/n saw was but a mere projection of what I wanted her to see. To be transparent- she was so amazing. Is so amazing. I knew she loved me but was always infected with the idea of her being unhappy with a life where I existed.

Things kept getting harder and harder, so I finally accepted that I had to let her go. Gods, that was the worst decision of all my years. Having heard her outside my door, I conjured a woman with my magic.

But I didn’t stop there, did I? No. It wasn’t bad enough to wound her, I had to shatter her. In that moment, her thoughts were palpable in the suffocating atmosphere and I knew what needed to be done. What, I convinced myself, would lead to her happiness.

The kiss I shared with all the broken promises I had made.

Having Y/n coil away from my touch, it was something I never realized would hurt me so. Y/n had always accepted me for what others held against me. The battle of New York, betraying my brother (countless of times) and even my true-born nature. All of it.

Yet, there she sat on the cold pavement, completely repulsed by who I had become. And I couldn’t blame her, no matter how hard I tried. Believe me, I tried. She was the part of me that refused to be corrupted by what other believed, even by my own insecurities.

And I broke her.

Surrounded by the same four walls we spent so much time in, I sit on the edge of my mattress as I conceive a proper plan. I refuse to let the love of my life slip between my finger. Not without a fight.

****

( Reader ) P.O.V.

A few days had come and gone since I had seen Loki. Constantly, consistently, he haunted my thoughts and dreams. There was always this voice in my head trying to convince me that something wasn’t right, but I ignored it.

Especially tonight.

I had been asked out by a friend of Brittney’s. His name was Trent and he was always so kind to me when we’d see each other. Trent knew about my recent break up and gave me time.

“If you ever want to hang out,” he had said, “send me a text.” So, after seeing him the other day, I texted Trent. Maybe it isn’t right, but I just need someone to help me move on. I need a distraction.

The night came swiftly and our date went well. Trent was a real gentleman; holding doors open, holding my hand and walking me to my place. Truly, he’s a wonderful man. It’s just- he’s not Loki...

“I had fun tonight.” He said, standing in front of me at my door. 

“Yes, it really was.”

The last thing I want to do is hurt Trent. He doesn’t deserve this. Looking up at him, I stare straight into his blue eyes and I imagine that they belong to another. Being so caught up in my make-believe, when he leans in for a kiss, I meet his lips. 

And for a second- just a single moment - I convince myself that everything will be okay. 

When we pull apart and I open my eyes, I feel guilt at the shattering disappointment of seeing Trent - with his brown hair and blue eyes - standing there instead of what I had imaged. What I had hoped.

Bidding him a goodnight, I close the door on the situation and slam my head against the wood as I chastise myself. Why must the remaining pieces of my heart belong to such a mischievous individual?

Sighing loudly, I slip off my shoes and crash onto the plush mattress. My body and mind are way too tired to care about putting on more comfortable clothes. Laying sprawled across the bed, I immediately begin to drift off to sleep and welcome the thick blanket over my thoughts.

 In my dream, I imagine Loki from those happier days.

Though he’s a very attractive man, I never saw him as that. What made me love him is the way he tried so hard to gain my favor. He was an entire story, misread by those too blind to look beyond what they were given. That’s what made him beautiful.

Loki was a mystery I could never quite solve. With all his complexities and insecurities, the very thought of him trying to catch my attention was baffling. Nevertheless, the fact that he eventually became mine.

He was mine.

Those memories of beautiful smiles and shy roses soon become something all too dreadful. His smirk becomes a seductive smolder, eyes filled with an emotion I don’t recognize. Instead of me, a blonde haired girl holds his attention and I thrash to awaken. 

Both of them lean forward, but before they can get any further, I wake up. 

The sheet is in tangles, ripped from where they had been tucked in. My hair is knotted, probably from my tossing and turning. That’s when I notice the sun is casting it’s orange glow upon our world.

Time to wake up...

Anymore, my morning is on autopilot. I try to not feel numb about waking up to cold sheets and no warmth enveloping me. As I’m finishing up, I hear a knock at my door. Something that doesn’t happen often this early.

Fitting my shoes on my feet, I stride to the door and unlock it before I tug it open. Standing there, in all black, is the very man I can’t seem to shake. My mouth opens but I can’t seem to make sense of what’s happening.

“Hello, Y/n.” 

Loki’s voice holds a gentleness I haven’t heard since we first started talking. “Hello...” It’s all I can say. Not even his name can be found on the surface of my tongue. 

He smiles with his lips closed, eyes watching me with alarming cautiousness. “I was wondering if I could, perhaps, join you on your walk to work today.” 

My whole body falters and my eyes widen with the sudden request. Why would Loki want to walk me to work? I stand there, staring at him with skepticism. “Please,” that one word has me nodding my head- agreeing to this idea despite the bad feeling in my stomach.

Keeping the door propped, I lean inside my apartment to grab my things before locking it behind myself. Sighing, I turn and start my walk. My walk with Loki beside me. 

If I were being honest, having him by my side again brings a comforting familiarity that I have craved in these past months. Yet, I feel uneasy at the motivation that may be behind this whole ordeal.

“So...” I say without thinking, due to my nervous habits of breaking the silence. “It’s a beautiful day, don’t you think?”

Loki chuckles and I can feel a swarm of butterflies erupting inside me. “You never were one for small talk, Y/n.” My eyes advert themselves to my feet and I suddenly feel overwhelmed with the warm sun and tightly packed bodies.

“Yes. It is a very lovely day.” It’s so abrupt and certain. I meet Loki’s eyes and see them already looking at me. So familiar, it hurts. “What’s new at work?”

Though it’s a lame attempt at conversation, I take it with all the enthusiasm I can muster. Soon, we’re both in a back and forth conversation with smiles and laughter and it all feels so easy. Like it used to be.

When we reach my work building, my whole mood shifts. I come crashing back to my life and the realities of it. “Thank you for walking me to work,” It comes out very dull compared to our previous words.

Loki must realize this too because he gives a curt nod. “My pleasure, Y/n. It was nice catching up.” We both remain firmly planted for a few seconds before anything is said. “Have a nice day at work.”

With that, I nod before quickly scurrying inside. Once I’m out of sight from the front door, I lean my back up against the nearest wall and exhale slowly. What the hell was that all about?

****

For the rest of my day, Loki’s peculiar actions grasped and tugged at me. It was so out of character for him to do such things just for the mere act of doing it. I knew there was a catch. There always is when it comes to the god of mischief.

Rubbing the back of my neck, I huff as I finish up my work for the evening and clock out at the computer. Trent had texted me earlier and that guilt had been gnawing at my insides, too. I knew that I’d have to reply to him eventually, but I was all too willing to push that as far away from the present.

Dragging myself from the building, I take deep breaths to try and calm myself down. You’re done for the day, Y/n. Just go home and relax. Get some rest and some food.

Shaking my head, I take a few steps to head back home when I spot Loki, sitting with his knee crossed over the other as he waits on a nearby railing. His eyes roam over to me and he waves before gesturing for me to come closer.

I can feel my heart jumping in my chest and a hollow ache bubbles in my stomach. Once I’m standing in front of him, I knit my brows together in confusion, “Loki- why are you waiting out here?”

“This is the time you get out of work, is it not?” He asks rhetorically, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. My lips are set in a straight line as I continue to wait for a better explanation. “I wanted to walk you home, okay?” He sighs, seeming a bit deflated.

He stands up and motions for me to fall into step beside him. As much as I want to walk away, he is walking in the direction of my apartment. Reluctantly, I oblige and scurry to catch up with his long stride.

This time, I make no effort to break the silence. I wrap my coat around me tighter and cross my arms across my chest. There’s no way I can allow myself to let my guard down. Not with him. Not anymore.

Suddenly, my ringtone goes off and I jump at the unexpected noise. Struggling to reach my pocket, I pull it out to see that Trent is trying to call me. Of course, because this moment couldn’t get any better.

I hesitate as I look at the caller ID, once again lost in my thinking. “Aren’t you going to answer it?” I hear Loki ask, startling me since I had momentarily forgotten he was standing beside me. 

Sighing, I swipe the call. It kind of breaks me up inside to hear the smile in Trent’s voice as he greets me. Meanwhile, Loki and I continue to walk. “So, I was wondering if you’d like to go out again tomorrow? I know this great place that I’d like to take you to.”

For a split second, I contemplate it. The distraction would be more than welcomed at the moment. My eyes absentmindedly drift to Loki to see him glancing towards me. I just can’t. 

“That sounds great, but I’m afraid I can’t. There’s some things going on that I need to figure out before I can make more plans. I’m really sorry, Trent.” There’s a disappointment in the static as silence follows my words.

Trent manages to pick himself up and reassure me that he understands. “I hope you figure everything out, Y/n. You’re a wonderful person and you deserve the best.” The corner of my lips turn up at his kindness and I bid him farewell.

After hanging up, I realize we’re only a few minutes more from my place. Perhaps I’ll just crash when I get home. I can’t handle all this emotional exhaustion. I chew on my bottom lip as I try to figure out how I’m feeling.

“Who’s Trent?” Loki blurts, seeming overly eager to hear my response.

“Just a friend.”

It’s not a complete lie, but I don’t want to tell him the truth. I’m not sure why, though. Loki has no right over my love life. “He seemed to be more than just a friend.” He says, an annoyance tinging his voice.

“Why do you care? It doesn’t matter!” I state firmly. My apartment building comes into view and I couldn’t have been more relieved, “Thank you for walking me home, but I don’t need the company anymore.” 

Stalking ahead, I push my way inside only to have Loki still close on my tail. “If it doesn’t matter, then why are you so upset, Y/n? How come you can’t just say matters the way they are?”

Breathing rapidly, I rush to open my door but Loki continues to talk as I struggle with the key. “If you’ve moved on, just tell me. Stop being scared of the truth.” 

Spinning towards him, I feel the rage behind my eyes and the venom on my tongue, “I’m upset because I can’t move on! The truth? Ah, what a load of bull! The truth is that I loved you with everything I had and you betrayed me. The truth is that I was never good enough for you, even before we got together. The truth is that I can’t continue to kiss someone and pretend that it’s you! You’re haunting my dreams, my thoughts and my life.”

Loki falters and his, once clenching, jaw falls slack. “Is your curiosity fed? Now, leave me the hell alone.” I spit, pushing inside my door and locking it closed behind me. 

The pounding blood in my ears is all I can hear in the thick silence, along with my frantic heart. I hate that I cry when I’m angry. I hate that I still have feelings for Loki. I hate that he isn’t mine anymore.

Shutting my eyes closed, a sob breaks through my chest and I try to muffle the sound with my fist, but to no avail. My cries aren’t quiet as I sit on the floor, all of my energy being drained. There’s no point in fighting these raging feelings. 

****

( Loki ) P.O.V.

I stand in front of her door, my body rigid, I’m dumbstruck and feeling completely defeated. Everything I do seems to get so far away from my point. All I can manage to do is mutilate everything in my path. Over and over...

She still loves me.

Despite everything I have done and continue to do, she still loves me. I’m completely astonished and in awe. Never will I ever deserve such a person. She’s way too good for me. But I’ve realized I can’t live without her. I’ve tried and failed. She is the only calm in my storm. 

Through the door, I hear her whimper. My breath hitches and I feel my entire soul constrict at the sounds of her muffled sobs. As much as I have messed up, I can’t stand the mental image of her being in this kind of agony.

My hand flies to the lock and I focus my energy on unlocking the door. I hear the familiar ‘click’ and waste no time pushing through the wooden frame. I quickly glance around me, searching for Y/n. Then, I see her.

Sitting against the wall, her knees are tucked into her chest as she buries her face in her hands. Her sniffling makes my body move before I can think better of it. She looks so small. So broken and fragile. The exact opposite of what she truly is.

Without saying anything, I grab her shaking body and she lifts her head to look at who’s touching her. Her beautiful face is red and puffy, eyes bloodshot and wet. Tears brim my own as I pull her to me. “Loki...” She whispers, almost as if the very sound would break her. 

Sitting beside her, I pull her into my lab and cradle her against my body. She doesn’t fight me and she limply lays into me as she continues to cry. My digits rake through her hair as my thumb soothingly caresses her back.

“Why, Loki? What did I do wrong?” She hiccups, barely able to speak.

This whole moment is heartbreaking and I have never regretted anything more in my life. “You did nothing wrong, love. You were perfect. You still are.” Feeling her against me after all this time makes me feel complete. 

“Th- then, why?”

My hold on her tightens as I prepare myself to rehash the dreadful night. I hate being so vulnerable, but Y/n is worth everything. “There was no other, Y/n. I never cheated on you.”

I feel her body pull back and I almost pout at the loss of her warmth. “What...?” Her face wrinkles with confusion and her lips part as she stares at me.

“I never felt like I could ever deserve you. You were breathtaking in all aspects, it drove me mad with longing. I knew I had to have you, even if you would be better off.... I couldn’t imagine you with anyone but me.” I look into her eyes, pleading for her to see the raw emotions in me.

“I tried to distance myself. I tried to let you have more time to enjoy yourself, but you always looked so sad. So tired. Yet, you still would always try to check on me. Eventually, I convinced myself that I had to let you go.”

Thick streams of tears made shiny paths down her face and she clutched my shirt as if I were the only thing keeping her here. “But I knew you wouldn’t leave me. You would never abandon our relationship without reason. So, when I heard you coming home from a night out, I cast a projection of another. I knew it’d make you leave. But it wasn’t enough.”

Looking down at the floor, I avoided her gaze, “I made it appear that I was with another, kissed another, because I thought it’d make you move on to something better. Then I saw your face and I knew that I had broken the most important person to me.”

Grabbing my chin, she forced me to look at her. “Loki-”

“I was wrong, Y/n. Never had I been so wrong in all my years. I couldn’t sleep without you by my side, I couldn’t think straight with you gone. I tried to push through, believing that you would have found someone by now. But when I saw you, how you were so hurt- I knew I had to tell you that I am still in love with you. You don’t have to forgive me. You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want.”

Her face was blank and I could tell she was still processing what I had said. She leaned her forehead against my shoulder and I didn’t move as I awaited her response. Slowly, she got off of me and grabbed my hand.

Once on our feet, she dragged me to her bedroom and I stood at the side of her bed as she fished a cardboard box from underneath her frame. I got onto the floor, leaning against her mattress as she opened the top. 

Inside were pictures of us. Letters we had written back and forth. A book I had given her for our anniversary.... She opened the pages and pulled forth the first flower I had ever given her- pressed and dried over time. I thumbed through all the memories, looking at where we’ve been and all the time we had spent together. 

“I can’t say that it will be easy to forgive you, Loki.” She spoke with a soft voice, still sorting through the contents of the box, “But you’re the love of my life and I want you in my life. I’m not with you out of obligation or desperation, I chose you because you’re what I want. Prove to me that I’m not wrong.”

Her voice held such determination but I could still feel slight pain radiating from her. “I love you, Y/n. You are my life and I won’t ever stop trying to be what you need.” My hand goes to the back of her neck and she accepts my gesture, crashing her lips to mine.

It’s a feeling of pure joy and comfort. I can feel her mood instantly boost, alongside mine. Her touch is so in tune with me, it feels like everything has fallen into place. She pulls away first, searching my face before we embrace. The gods only know how lucky I am to have her and call her mine.

“I love you, Loki. I always will.”

Masterlist Here

A/N: Surprise? I know it’s kinda long, but I hope you enjoyed it! Angst is always a challenge for me but I hope it went well enough. Thank you for sticking around to read my stories. - Ellie-Mae

Taglist: @elliecapper @stark-rogers-clusterfuck @jessiejunebug @jcalpha1 @britishfangirl @velyssaraptor @artbysteph87

[mylatinlinernote]

A discovery of witch(es) Part 1

Initially written for the last @snapeloveposts AU Snape challenge.

Snape, hiding in plain sight, muses on an upcoming birthday.

He wasn’t the oldest person waiting at the gate and, hell, he was even far from the oldest parent there. Admittedly, some of the assembled were on their second marriages or on their 5th illegitimate child (if the rumours about the true parentage of tiny Tamsin Peters were to be believed and the nature of school gate gossip told Severus there was a kernel of truth deep down there, somewhere). But, Severus thought,  he did look as if he was the oldest. A malnourished and ugly child had grown into an angular and ugly man that no amount of sun could take the edge off of his pallor.

Severus also dressed …oddly. It wasn’t as though he was brazenly wearing wizarding clothes amongst the muggles but the deep jagged scars from Nagini’s bite and the vibrant colours left by her poison were a source of both insecurity and embarrassment. The rumours about him tossed around everything from cancer through to gang involvement; the latter of which always made Severus smile darkly. However, the disfiguration was prominent and obvious enough that he had been stopped on the streets of Bristol by Barnaby bloody Lee, who was excited to talk to someone who had survived the bite of a Maledictus. Severus obliviated his former student once the realisation started to dawn on Barnaby that his former head of house was the only person in recent memory who had been bitten….

If Lee could reach that conclusion, imagine how quickly a more astute person, Granger perhaps, could figure it out.

So Severus dressed in scarves, cravats, high collared dress shirts buttoned straight to the neck. Layers on layers and in essence, not too different then how he dressed back when he was being suffocated by all the secrets and promises he was tasked to keep. The more charitable amongst the assembled would say that his wardrobe was both unseasonable and so old that it had come back into, and then fallen out of fashion again. Those who were less charitable looked askance to each other, thinking how such an unpleasant cretin could possibly father such a delightful and outgoing little girl.

And then there was that small clutch of grandparents who, upon looking at Severus, remembered the infamous Tobias Snape with a small tremor. Tobias had a fearsome and terrible reputation throughout the Midlands. The rumour was that he had killed both his wife and teenage son in the 70s but the cops were too terrified of Tobias to even investigate. Severus knew what they were thinking and it didn’t bother him too much. He stopped being Severus Snape not long after he picked himself off the floor of the shrieking shack and had stopped being the son of Tobias long before then. Instead, he was Cedric Burbage, widower, and father of Ellie.

They would look wearily at Severus, keeping their grandchildren well away from the unnerving man as if his ill-grace threated to infect them all. Their discomfort served him well; he was never asked to go on the phone tree, to chaperone a field trip, or participate in school council.

If he did have any regrets, it was that the unease felt towards him was projected onto his daughter. She certainly received more invitations to parties and sleepovers and playdates than he ever did and sometimes there was even a repeat. But a happy-go-lucky nature could not overcome a miserable parent or enthusiastic displays of accidental magic. Fortunately, she appeared to bear the loneliness well and was one of the few Severus ever knew who enjoyed his constant company.

Still, he couldn’t help but feel a little tug in his heart when Ellie wanted to forgo a party for her 11th birthday. They had lived through opposite childhoods in a sense; he had lived in a violent and neglectful household but had been able to find a very best friend, although he would never dare invite Lily over. Ellie lived in a secure but loving household, albeit with one parent, but had not found anyone else she wanted to let into her home despite he assertions that she could.

As he catches a glimpse of Ellie, black hair swaying and shining in the sun as she walks, alone, towards the gates, Severus worries. Ellie will turn 11 just before midnight tonight, which would usually mean an owl the next day, school supplies shopping in August, and the Hogwarts Express in September.

Usually.

Before he could dwell on it further, Ellie had reached him. He gave her a small smile and they walked home in a comfortable silence. There would be plenty to talk about when they got home, tomorrow maybe.

[marvelhead17]

Miracle (Original Female Character x Cable)

Chapter 28

Summary: “How did you fix it?” he asked. “Ask Ellen the Teenage Warhead,” Wade shrugged as he stood up, “As for baby Hitler he ended up having a diaper change, funny story I was actually going to call Cable since he was so keen on killing Russel, I thought this would be like taking candy from a baby, if that means replacing it with a bullet that is,”

Warnings to cover the whole fic: Graphic depictions of violence, use of weapons, mild to strong language, mentions of rape, mentions of pregnancy and miscarriage, referenced torture and psychological abuse/manipulation, nightmares and night terrors, sexual humour, sexual content.

Word count:  1.8k

One Month Later

Hayden and Wade were sitting alone in the rec room, Nathan had just returned from a satisfying jog and was preparing a protein shake for himself seeing as how he had done a fasting run today, she looked around to see that nobody was in earshot and felt satisfied that she could talk to Wade in private.

“Wade, I’m about to ask you something extremely private and personal, you are not to repeat this to another living soul, do you understand?”

“Ooh time for secrets, of course I won’t, scout’s honour,” he put a hand on his chest.

“You weren’t ever in the scouts,”

“I was a military scout, doy,” he rolled his eyes.

“Fine,” she moved closer to him, “If I were to need assistance in,” she paused and coughed awkwardly, “self-pleasuring, where would I be able to get it?”

“Self-pleasuring as in?” Wade raised a brow with a cheeky smile.

“Oh you know exactly what I mean you asshole,” she shoved him lightly, “I’m not saying it out loud,”

“Fine, what exactly do you mean by ‘assistance’?”

  “I mean is there something I can use?”

Nathan finished blending the drink and poured it into one of his bottles before taking a swig.

“You mean like a sex toy?” Wade gasped loudly; Nathan barely managed to swallow his drink before lowering the bottle.

“Wade!” she shoved him hard and stood up, her cheeks flushing a pink colour.

Wade also stood up, a wicked grin spread across his face as he walked closer to Nathan.

“I mean Cable would be a good real-life substitution, he’s a big enough dickhead and I’m sure he can vibrate as good as any dildo with his cyborg half,”

Hayden grabbed a pen that was lying on the coffee table and threw it right at Wade, it punctured his spine, and he fell on the floor as his legs no longer had any feeling in them.

“Don’t listen to Wade, he’s just being full of shit as usual,” her cheeks were still flushed pink.

“I’m not, she could really use a good banging, if you’re up for it Cable I’m sure-” she stopped him by using her foot to dig the pen further into his spine, Wade yelled out in pain as blood started swelling out from the wound.

  “Little extreme, isn’t it?” Nathan asked, cocking his head to the side, a smile forming in the corner of his mouth.

“He’s my brother and he can regenerate, I’m not worried,”

“Ooh Hayden, didn’t know that you were a sadist- I’m sure Cable doesn’t mind it rough like any tough strong daddy-”

“Ignore him, he’s just babbling again,”

“Seriously guys, I think I need a wheelchair,” Wade groaned. “Oh I know! Let’s get Xavier’s, that one’s great!”

Nathan leaned closer to Hayden feeling a bizarre wave of confidence flood through him and spoke in his gruff voice only loud enough for her to hear.

“I’m all yours, any time, any place, you name it. I’m yours,” and with that he walked away, Hayden’s face flushed to a deep red colour.

“So does that mean I finally got you two to stop with the eyeball sex and you’re finally going to bone?” Wade asked hopefully.

“Shut up you shithead,” she kicked him lightly in the ribs.

“Ooh yeah mommy,” she rolled her eyes and left him on the floor.

I’m yours. She repeated the words in her head, she felt like she was on some kind of dizzy high; she shook her head and went to hide in her room.

                                                           * * *

  Late Afternoon

                              “You want us to chaperone for a bunch of teenagers?” Nathan asked in disbelief.

“Please, we do not have any other options, other X-Men are not available currently,” Colossus sounded desperate.

“He must be desperate if he’s asking Wade of all people to chaperone as well,” Hayden looked at Nathan briefly before returning her gaze to Colossus.

“Rude,” Wade interjected.

“Alright, we’ll do it,” Nathan huffed.

“We will?” she asked.

Nathan nodded, “But only because Colossus looks like a mess, and no way in hell I’m wearing a suit,”

“Deal, the prom is tomorrow in the hall of the mansion, we’ll start allowing students in promptly at six p.m. And please do not be late; I need you there at least thirty minutes early,” Colossus said.

“We’ll be there Colossus, don’t worry,” she gave him a reassuring smile and patted his shoulder; he briefly glanced at Nathan before walking away hurriedly.

“What was that look he gave you about?”

“Nothing to worry about,” Nathan half smirked to himself.

“Alright,” she didn’t feel convinced, “So, what the hell is prom?”

“Beats me,” Nathan shrugged.

“Oh you two are in for a real treat,” Wade wrapped his arms around their necks and they followed his lead to the rec room begrudgingly.

                                                               * * *

  The Next Night

Hayden flattened the dress against herself and looked in the mirror, the dress reached to her knees and was a complimentary navy blue, she wore black heels that she had bought for herself, the were only an inch or two high to give her some height. And with a little help from Yukio the hair magician and Domino’s touch of lady luck to help do her makeup perfectly.

Her dress flattered her figure perfectly, the low cut was revealing but not grossly so, she took a breath feeling bizarrely nervous and on edge. She knew that Nathan would see her all dressed up, but she didn’t know if anything would come from it, despite what he said just the day before he could have simply been joking around with her.

Of course he was joking, what other reason would he have said that for? She shook her head.

She walked out her room and greeted Wade who was dressed in a simple suit that had a red bowtie, he even wore smart dress shoes and was as neat as he could possibly be with his shirt tucked away and his suit jacket buttoned just right.

  “Wade, you clean up nicely,” Hayden smiled, “I’ve never seen you look so… formal,”

“I can say the same to you sis,” he grinned, “You look like a freaking Disney princess, all gorgeous and dressed up,” he gave her a wink, “Speaking of which, where’s your prince charming?”

“I thought he’d already gone ahead, seeing as how he wasn’t going to wear a suit,” she said with a shrug.

“You didn’t deny that he’s your prince,” Wade smirked, but before she could interject he yelled, “HEY CABLE, YOU COMING OR WHAT?”

“I’LL CATCH YOU GUYS THERE, JUST NEED TO DO A FEW THINGS,” he yelled back.

Hayden and Wade both looked at each other puzzled but shrugged and decided that they needed to get going before Colossus had a breakdown.

                          Nathan looked himself up and down in the mirror, his cyborg half glowing in certain spots and frowned, he touched the metal shoulder and ran his fingers down to his wrist.

Who am I kidding? She’d never go for a freak like me. I’m not going to this stupid thing.

‘You are merely a project, a somewhat ideal design of what man and robot can be’

As crazy as that doctor was Nathan couldn’t help but recall those words. He threw the suit bag back onto the side of the bed and then threw himself back onto it as well.

No matter how good I can dress up it doesn’t matter, she’s still going to see the monster underneath it all.

He covered his face with his hands and felt a few hot tears run from his eyes, it was no wonder to him why this ‘prom’ thing no longer existed in the future, it only made people’s insecurities and emotions run on an all-time uncontrollable high with no real good to come from it in the end.

What happened to that bravado from yesterday Cable? Jesus Christ, what is this woman doing to me?

                                                              * * *

  “Thank goodness you are here, we have much to do- first the punch; Hades could you?�� Colossus asked.

“Of course,” she nodded and smiled, “And you look great Colossus,”

“Hey, why am I not assigned to punch duty?” Wade whined.

“Simple reason that you have flask of alcohol hidden in your suit jacket,” he poked at the slight bulge in the jacket and it made a metallic sound. “And thank you Hades, apologies for being so distracted, I want this to be perfect for students. You look beautiful as ever,” he quickly looked over his shoulder looking scared, “Where is Cable?”

“Said he was going to show up a bit later,” Wade shrugged, “And for your information this is water,”

“Yeah its water, if this were a world where water was vodka,”

“As long as he arrives at some point, I do not wish for Ellie to feel need to help us, she and Yukio must enjoy their prom together,” Colossus said

  "What's so great about prom anyway?" Hayden asked as she poured the fruit mixture into a huge glass bowl.

“Absolutely nothing, I mean if you really think about it, anyone who had a good time either had sex and the relationship didn’t move on from there. Or they got totally wasted and don’t remember jack from the night, then suffer a shitty hangover the next day,”

“For once I can agree with Wade, however, there is one good thing,” Colossus spoke as he placed the speaker onto the ground near the small stage.

“Oh really Metallica, what is that then?” Wade asked with his hands on his hips.

“Enjoying the evening with your friends and having fun, and no not the fun that you’re thinking of Wade,”

“Well that’s a fairly one sided point of view,” Hayden said as she added the ice to the bowl.

“How so?” Colossus asked.

“What if you don’t have friends?”

  The men went silent for a moment before Wade came around and wrapped an arm over Hayden’s shoulder. “You have something better than friends now,”

“I do?” she looked at him.

“My new favourite F word, Family,” he gave her shoulders a squeeze.

“I guess I do,” she smiled.

A door opened from the far end of the hall and in walked Ellie wearing black flats and a suit that fitted her form just the right way, Wade opened his mouth to say something but she raised her hand.

“Colossus I have terrible news, well for you, I don’t really give a damn but this might be important,”

“What is it Ellie?”

“The live band performers called to say that they’re running thirty minutes late, anyway I’ve gotta go- Yukio needs help with her dress,”

“Nyet,” his eyes widened as Ellie left the hall once again.

________________________________________________________________

>> Chapter 29 <<

[itsomgitsgreenblogging]

New Perspective: A Solangelo Fanfiction

Drew’s the best and also the worst, and also I haven’t written a lot of witty dialogue lately, I missed that. So you know I had to bring back some of the snap. Also all the lube available and Nico with a ponytail. Cause you know, those things should never be mutually exclusive in fanfiction ;) 

(this fic takes place after the events of Lover-Cares)

Enjoy!

Read on AO3

Preview:

“Nico, what the heck?” Austin said, looking rather startled. “Did you seriously just refer to yourself in the third person.”              

“It’s never too early for some good old fashion dissociation and self-hatred my guy,” Nico said with a probably terrifying half-smile half-baring of teeth he cheers his coffee and downed it. Noting Kayla and Austin’s genuinely unamused faces, he scoffed. “My comedic skills are lost on you people, I swear.”

“—I’m just saying, Drew Tanaka can shove it up hers if she has enough room besides the giant stick up her butt,” Kayla fumed, and Nico couldn’t help but look up from where he was absentmindedly stirring him cream of wheat. “I swear sometimes I just want to smack that girl upside the head, and the Stolls, and—“

               “—and Nico di Angelo, by the gods he’s such an asshole am I right?” Nico said irritably as he took a sip of his coffee, watching as Sebastian from Aphrodite Cabin and Malcom from Athena Cabin got into an argument about if Beyoncé was or was not the most influential philosopher who tackled the properties of love and relationships in modern time.

               “Nico, what the heck?” Austin said, looking rather startled. “Did you seriously just refer to yourself in the third person.”

               “It’s never too early for some good old fashion dissociation and self-hatred my guy,” Nico said with a probably terrifying half-smile half-baring of teeth he cheers his coffee and downed it. Noting Kayla and Austin’s genuinely unamused faces, he scoffed. “My comedic skills are lost on you people, I swear.”

               “It’s more like you have a really screwed up sense of humor but alright man whatever floats your boat,” Kayla said with a shrug.

               Nico stewed in his general daily angst, definitely not upset that he hadn’t seen Will all morning because he was in charge of taking care of a camper, no, Nico was not that petty. Or at least, he was trying to convince himself that he wasn’t as he sat in the shadow of a tree that was diagonally across from the infirmary, a book laying on his lap that Nico wasn’t reading. He hadn’t managed to get any alone time with Will in so long, he was actually missing Will even though he had seen Will every single day, and his head wasn’t feeling so great.

               Pathetic, Nico thought at himself angrily, wanting to bash something or break something to get the raw feeling out from beneath his nails and his head. Get used to being around people and suddenly you are clinging again.

               “Oh hey there lover-boy, what’s the reason for the doom and gloom and the fact you obviously haven’t combed your hair?” Drew Tanaka said as she placed one hand on her hip and looked down at Nico as if he had walked out of his room wearing only orange from behind her pink eyeliner.

               “Oh wow, it’s almost like I can hear something…but I can’t quite make it out over the sound of all the hot air escaping your face,” Nico said saintly.

               “You are lucky you are hot and an asshole,” Drew Tanaka scoffed. “Otherwise being around you would be a chore.”

               “I’m gay, Drew.”

               “First off sweetie,” Drew said with the inflection she would give “cancer” or “Walmart clothing sale”, “did I say I wanted to suck face with discount Brendon Urie from circa 2005? No I did not. Stop projecting your insecurities onto me, every time you do so another fabulous bitch like me gets a blister when walking in heels to the club. Secondly just because you are gay does not mean you stop being hot. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive. “Mutually exclusive” meaning two things that cannot both be true at the same time, like eating bread on the Atkins diet or Ellis Wakefield not wanting to suck Markowitz’s dick when he walks into a room. Being gay and attractive can definitely both happen so deal with it, and it makes your shitty attitude worth it because I can appreciate good bone structure when I see it.”

               “Drew you are an awful human being,” Nico told her seriously, rubbing his temples adamantly. “Like really, is something wrong with you?”

               “What can I say, I’m just keeping it real,” Drew said with a toss of her hair. “So what’s got your panties in a twist? Is it Will?”

               “Drew, if you seriously think I’m going to talk to you about relationships you have another thing coming,” Nico said with a vague ache starting up behind his eyes.

               It was when Drew and Nico were about to have their version of a heart to heart (which was basically them insulting each other) when it sounded like the Asphodel Fields broke out in the center of camp. It looked like Butch from Iris Cabin was barely holding back Sherman as Lacy, Mitchell, and Sebastian milled on the edge of the archery fields. Julia Fiengold, who was good friends with Lacy, had planted herself by Lacy’s side but looked concerned as Alice casted a few solid glares in Sherman’s direction (and Nico wouldn’t have been surprised if she was carrying some serious prank artillery with her). Clovis had somehow fallen asleep on one of the white lines in the center of the archery field, and Nico found himself somewhat glad for it as Will had emerged from the infirmary to try to drag him off with the intervention of Lou Ellen and Cecil Markowitz—though they had all apparently dropped Clovis mid-carry as the fight broke out as he was snoring, looking rather at peace on the grass.

               “So what’s going on?” Nico asked in general as he and Drew approached the chaos.

               “Oh, you know, the daily life at CHB,” Will said weakly. “Honestly they had been arguing when I got here, I think things started escalating.”

               “What you are saying is disrespectful to all the warriors—!” Sherman half-screamed, looking very much like he wanted to shove Lacy out of a moving car. “Get off me Brony!”

               “Ugh, man, do not make me regret this or I swear!” Butch snapped at him.  

               “I was just saying…!” Lacy half-sobbed, her brothers who were comforting her looking like they were planning to switch out Sherman’s spears with makeup brushes and for Cover Girl makeup and lots of highlighter to be in Sherman’s immediate future.

“Wait, can we all hold up a hot second! What is happening and why is Tweedle Dumber threatening Lacy?” Drew said, holding out her hands and flipped her dark hair out of her face. There was charmspeak laden in her words, and with the threat of physical violence gone, the actual situation came out.

“So I was Iris messaging with Piper and she said that her dad told Jason he knew a plastic surgeon that could fix his lip and how Jason thought that was funny. But I said, oh that might be a good idea for scars, and then Sherman overheard me!” Lacy blurted out, her words a tumble of panic.

“A warrior should take pride in his scars, anything else is a weakness!” Sherman snapped back at her. Drew looked like she just rolled her eyes so hard she might have sprained something, and Nico just sat back and let the madness start as Drew opened her lipsticked-lips.

“Okay so I hear that Jason’s got some scars. I wouldn’t really know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with him on the account of someone cough cough Piper cough cough being absolutely sure I’m a homewrecker. I don’t know what the big deal is. If you don’t like something about your body, you should just change it. Or maybe not, maybe Jason needs his scar to get into some lesbian biker gang or maybe he’s leaving Piper and going on an Eat-Pray-Love style self-discovery vacation and the scars will help him sell his memoir as “a man with a troubled past takes the road to new enlightenment”. Anyways, it’s not like we haven’t all thought about something like that. I’m convinced every time that Jackson opens his gab Annabeth reasons over the pros and cons of mouth reduction surgery. I’m sure Butch’s thought of getting that rainbow tramp stamp removed because let’s be honest he’s not slaying the ladies with it—“

               “Drew I am going to kick you in the head—!“ Butch threatened.  

               “—Cecil has probably rifled through pamphlets about fixing that huge beak of his because he isn’t really using it to break nuts and seeds over here. And Alice has definitely thought about getting an eye-deslanting.”

               “Screw you Drew, that’s racist,” Alice Miyazawa scoffed, as Cecil suddenly turned to Lou Ellen who gave him an apologetic look in return.

               “Self-hating Asians oughtta stick together,” Drew retorted with a shrug.

               “I don’t think that’s necessarily true, Drew. I mean, sure, everyone has insecurities, but it’s also good to try to embrace them,” Will told Drew as he placed a hand on Alice's shoulder to keep the girl from giving Drew a probably well-earned knuckle sandwich.

               “Oh please, Solace, you’ve got a weird spiral belly button. You could frost it and pass it off as a cinnamon bun,” Drew said with a roll of her eyes, Nico had to cover the laugh of surprise that came out of him with his hand, and Will gave him a long-suffering look. “I’m just saying, there’s this thing called plastic surgery. It’s science. And if you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see and also have the means, you should go for it. If you don’t want to, don’t. Simple as that. Passing judgment is so un-hot, and who knows? Maybe Jason will wake up from general anesthesia and realize who the hotter child of Aphrodite that he could be with is. Either way, what people do or do not decide to do with their bodies is no one else’s choice,” Drew said before with a final hair flip and sway of hip, Drew was off to terrorize another section of camp. With Hurricane Drew now over, the campers who had gathered dispersed to mutter amongst themselves, Sherman and Ellis and Butch grabbed Clovis by his appendages and dragging him off the field as he slept talk about Great White Sharks, macaroons, and a tennis racket.

               “I hate that girl with a fiery passion, but by all the Gods she’s a freaking insult-genius,” Lou Ellen said with a sort of strange awe.

               “And she really loves what she does,” Cecil said just as quietly. “She has a gift.”

               “Yeah she’s something alright,” Will noted before looking to Nico with an almost shy grin, bumping his shoulder against Nico’s. “Hey there, long time no see.”

               “Oh yuck, mushy feelings. We’re out,” Lou Ellen called as she and Cecil made kissy faces at Nico and Will before also walking off.  

               “How’s the infirmary?” Nico asked him as they began to walk, he tried to pat his hair down absently.

               “Not so busy, were you really busy? You look like you just rolled out of bed,” Will noted and Nico sighed heavily.

               “I desperately need a haircut,” Nico groaned, twisting a lock of hair around his fingers and trying to get it out of his eyes.

               “Well, why don’t I at least get you a hair tie? Kayla keeps a whole bunch on the desk,” Will offered.

               They walked to Apollo Cabin in companionable silence, when they got there Nico sat down on the bed as Will grabbed one of Kayla’s dark hair ties from her desk and his own brush. Kayla and Austin were spending their free period helping Nyssa and Harley with some new target practice gadget, so for once in a long time Cabin Seven was quiet.  

               “My hair’s pretty thick,” Nico warned him as well approached with a few things in hand, a brush among them.

               “I’ve got some spray in stuff,” Will offered, holding up a very suspicious slender bottle filled with what Nico would have assumed was a cream based dessert.

               “Isn’t that Aphrodite stuff?”

               “Personal grooming is not just an Aphrodite Cabin thing,” Will scoffed and Nico resisted making a son-of-Apollo-joke before Nico allowed him to do whatever he was planning on by motioning to the spot next to him, and he couldn’t help but sigh as Will’s fingers ran through his hair. “You have really nice hair though.”

               “It’s so dratted thick,” Nico scoffed, tugging at a renegade curl. “And it curls weirdly. I was thinking of maybe shaving it.”

               “Really?” Will asked and Nico felt the gentle tug of the brush through his hair.

               “Yeah, when my dad first gave me my card I tried to go to the hair dresser’s, but when they were shampooing my head and they started rubbing my scalp and stuff I really couldn’t take it. I almost kicked the lady in the leg,” Nico admitted awkwardly with a shudder at both the memory and how nice whatever Will was doing felt. “I’ve been trimming it myself ever since, I sort of forgot to though.”

               “That sounds like you,” Will laughed, and Nico could almost hear Will’s smile. That was the nice thing about Will’s voice, it didn’t hide anything, it was pure and genuine. “You aren’t a huge fan of other people touching you, are you?”

               “It’s hard when you don’t know them,” Nico groaned. “I’m normally fine when it’s people I don’t hate. You’re just too laid back.”

               “Maybe,” Will chuckled good-naturedly and Nico leaned his head back so he could see Will’s bright and slightly sheepish smile. “Hazard of the healing arts. I’ve gotten used to people touching me out of the blue because I heal them. I think your hesitance is one of your cute features anyways.”

               “You’re a weirdo,” Nico said with a roll of his eyes.

               “You’re the one dating a weirdo, what does that say about you?” Will asked, and with gentle fingers his pulled the hair that was about his neck up into a tie. Immediately, Nico felt his warm lips press against the back of his neck, making Nico jump slightly at the unexpected sensation. Will immediately moved back, but Nico grasped his arm and kept him close.

               “I know things have been awkward since…since last time,” Nico said quietly. “But I want you to touch me, I do.”

               “But you…you really hated it,” Will nearly whined, sitting back on his heels. “Honestly, I’m fine being on the bottom for the rest of my life if it makes you so uncomfortable.”

               “I didn’t hate it, I just froze,” Nico corrected him, before sighing heavily. “I’m…there’s a thing about me I wish I could change I guess.”

               “If you want to talk about it I’m open ears?” Will asked, and didn’t push. There was no trace of judgment in his features, and somehow that made Nico feel even more desolate.

               “I just…I’m always worried I’m being selfish.”

               “Nico, you are the most unselfish person I know,” Will said, eyes wide with shock, as he sat back on his heels thoughtfully. “I mean, holy Hera, you almost killed yourself for your friends and everyone else. You are constantly putting other people before yourself.”

               “I…” Nico tried to begin to explain, but just shook his head. “It’s just hard for me is all. Sometimes I feel like I don’t see you as much as I want to, but I know you’re busy. And then when I do see you, I’m uncooperative.”

               Will was quiet for a moment, before he felt Will’s hands slip beneath his shirt, Will’s mouth tenderly pressing against the back of his neck. Nico gasped as Will’s fingers brushed against his nipple.

               “Nico, this doesn’t feel uncooperative. This feels sensitive,” Will sighed as he continue to tease with loving mouth and hands in a way that made all of Nico’s blood travel south.  “And I would never want you to change that. So what if it takes a bit for you to get used to my touch? The fact I get to touch you at all makes me happy and then you make these noises that turn me on so much.”

               “Greedy asshole,” Nico snarked, turning to meet Will’s lips, opening his mouth so he could pull Will in deeper. Nico reached over to palm the very obvious heaviness in Will’s great sweatpants and smiled against Will’s lips. “Someone else is pretty sensitive too.”

               “Oh, yes, sometimes it’s good to be selfish,” Will told Nico with a sweet look that could have melted Nico, and Nico lay down and let Will lay his body on top, reveling in the delicious weight. “Especially when you have someone like me who could be happy spoiling you for the rest of your life. But please, give me a head’s up? I’m not a mind-reader so I appreciate specific directions.”

               “I can be pretty demanding,” Nico said somewhat weakly, reaching up to trace Will’s cheek. “If you give me a little bit, I’ll just want more.”

               “And I can be pretty stubborn, anything you want, I’ll be happy to give you,” Will promised him. “Just let me, Nico. Tell what you want.”

               “Can we try…again?” Nico asked, but his words stopped as Will caught his hand and kissed it, perking up immediately as Nico’s gaze drifted over to the left.

               “Of course,” Will asked him and Nico nodded and reached over to the bedside table Nico had been eyeing and opened up the drawer.

               “How should I…um?” Nico asked him and Will shrugged.

               “Do whatever you think will make you the most comfortable,” Will said as he unscrewed the bottle and almost doused his fingers in it, warming the lube between his fingers.

               “Alright,” Nico said, laying down on his stomach, helping Will place a pillow beneath his hips.

               “You can be selfish with me, Nico,” Will promised him as he kissed Nico’s neck and shoulder comfortingly, and Nico shuddered as he felt Will’s fingers gently rub against his entrance. Nico couldn’t understand why it felt so good, his whole body jolted as Will’s slick finger slid inside, the intrusion not entirely pleasant or unpleasant as he moved it. “Relax, as much as you can.”

               “It feels…weird…!” Nico admitted between clenched teeth, forcing his body to remain relaxed despite what urges he felt. He wanted to try this, Nico reminded himself.

               “Does it hurt?” Will asked worriedly and Nico shook his head. “Here, I’m going to add another one. Try to stay as loose as you can, alright?”

               Nico nodded and gripped the pillow, just as a second finger pressed inside of him with the help of ample lube. Nico fought and lost against the desire to clamp down, and his lack of control over his body’s reaction was damn near infuriating to him. As if sensing this by Nico’s stiff-lipped reaction Will reached down to slide his hand along Nico’s length, which had softened considerably at the previous activities. The smooth, almost comforting sensation of Will’s hand on him, and the gentle probing finally got Nico to relax.

               “It’s okay, Nico. You’re doing so good right now,” Will promised as he kissed Nico’s back.

               “Ugh…this feels so bizarre,” Nico couldn’t help but groan as he turned his head and gave Will a look.  

               “Does it hurt?” Will asked as his fingers continued to move inside Nico, and with him massaging and rubbing him on the inside and outside, a thankful sigh escaped Nico’s mouth. It was beginning to feel vaguely pleasant now, and he naturally relaxed against Will’s touch.

               “Trust me, you would know if it hurt,” Nico promised him. He could do this, Nico thought very rationally. It certainly didn’t feel bad, and judging by the hooded expression and the evidence of Will’s desire pressed against his thigh, if Will wanted to do this then—

               Suddenly Will found something inside of Nico that made him surge with pleasure, and his breath caught harshly in his throat. Will’s fingers hit it again more adamantly and Nico moaned into the sheets as he pressed back against Will’s fingers as he searched against for that feeling.

               “There!” Nico moaned demandingly. “Oh Gods, is that what I hit in you? Oh—that feels so good.”

               “Nico, allow me to introduce you to your prostate,” Will chuckled good-naturedly, as close as they were Nico could feel that rumble in Will’s belly, and it made Nico’s face get hotter.

               “Don’t be a dork,” Nico groaned. “Just do whatever you just did again.”

               “Alright then, needy,” Will teased, as Will’s fingers continued to scissor and rub and hit the plac inside of him that felt so good that Nico’s vision swam. His cock ached with desire, and Will removed his hand to grab the bottle and add a third very slick finger inside and Nico felt so full and so good that he couldn’t think straight. He wanted—needed more.  

               “I want you inside,” Nico blurted out, his hand reaching blindly and clamping on Will’s wrist. “Will, I want to feel you on the inside.”  

               “Shit!” Will said sharply, and Nico stared at him in concern. Will answered it with a delightfully embarrassed expression. “Sorry, that was—that was just really sexy, like whoa.”

               “Um…sorry?” Nico said, feeling himself blush hard because had those words really come out of his mouth? He couldn’t believe it himself.

               “Don’t be sorry, I feel like I deserve a pat on the back,” Will said with a wide smile that Nico returned before turning, hooking Will’s hips with his legs, and pulling Will down on top of him. Both of them laughed into their mouths as they kissed with more intensity, Will fumbling with the foil on the condom. He rolled it on and slicked it with lube, before reaching back to Nico with newly spread fingers.

               “No, I don’t need anymore more,” Nico complained half-heartedly, but spread his legs as Will’s fingers sank inside of him with relative ease. Oh Gods, Nico thought before his thoughts went fuzzy as Will crooked a finger and found a weak spot that had his jaw hanging open. He could get addicted to this, and now he totally got why Will was totally into this.

               “We have to make sure it doesn’t hurt, don’t we?” Will teased as he kissed Nico’s neck.

               “Just put it inside me,” Nico half-begged, half-growled.

               “Are you ready? You sure?”

               “Yes,” Nico agreed, his head nodding vigorously.

               “Alright then, your wish it my command,” Will chuckled, and Nico felt him line up and slid inside.

               They both moaned, the sensation was intense to say the least. There was the barest twinge of discomfort, but he had been so thoroughly prepared that it disappeared quickly as Will seated himself fully inside. What mattered most was the divine sensation that was making him tremble.

               “Oh Will,” Nico gasped breathlessly, wrapping his legs around Will’s hips as Will trembled. “I can feel you.”

               “I feel you too,” Will moaned, his eyes fluttered, and Nico couldn’t help but find his expression to be utterly adorable. “Oh gods you are so perfect, Nico. I love you so much.”

               “Yeah? Does it feel good?” Nico asked, unable to stop himself from smiling an odd grin as Will nodded desperately. “You can move, Will. I want you too. If it hurts I’ll tell you, I promise.”

               “You promise?” Will asked, faking being very obviously suspicious.

               “You’ll be the first to know, scout’s honor,” Nico said making a Live-Long-and Prosper sign with his hands. Will laughed and leaned down to press a kiss to Nico’s forehead.

               Will began to move in gentle controlled thrusts, Nico suspected it was half for him and half to keep Will from coming. But he couldn’t help but enjoy and be frustrated by the movements in equal measure because while it didn’t hurt, Will’s broad shoulders and larger chest was making Nico feel oddly caged. Finally, Nico pressed up on Will’s shoulder’s.

               “Will, I can’t breathe,” Nico told him between kisses. “Maybe change position?”

               “Yeah, uh, what do you want to…?” Will asked with a hitched breath as he pulled up, Nico let Will sit himself against the headboard and settled himself firmly on Will’s lap. “Better?”

               “Yeah, I can—oh,” Nico groaned as he latched onto Will, arms wrapped around Will’s back. In this position he could feel Will’s length, pressing in deep and filling him. Will bent down and their mouths melted against each other, and they rocked together, slightly unsteady as they worked together to find the perfect angle, or when Will reached down to grasp him, or Nico bucked up unexpectedly as Will once again struck his prostrate. Finally something was building up, white hot pleasure that Nico almost wished could keep building inside of him forever so he could keep burning with it, but it couldn’t happen. Nico moaned into Will’s mouth and felt himself come into Will’s hand. Will continued to move for a moment or two, thrusts uneven, and Nico felt a pulsing inside as Will came into the condom.

               Nico lay down as Will removed the condom and threw it out, falling back on the bed with an exhausted huff.

               “So what did you think?” Will asked, as they both tried to catch their breath and curling his arms around the pillow in front of him. Nico normally would have chastised him for getting sweat all over his pillows, but with Will stretched out looking so content and with those golden arms of his Nico just couldn’t fault him. Instead Nico grabbed the nearly empty lube bottle and held it up with a crook of his brow.

               “Are you kidding?”

               “What, you were totally into it and you were super hot and it helped, you’ll be thanking me when that wow-that-seat-was-uncomfortable ache doesn’t turn into a holy-shit-was-I-hit-by-a-train ache,” Will told him as he gave Nico a grin and a thumb’s up as he placed the bottle on the bed side table.

               “You are insufferable did you know that,” Nico sighed as he turned over to kiss Will’s shoulder and give his back an absent scratch, which had Will sighing in pleasure. “But yeah, that was pretty hot.”

               “Mm, I must have done something right for you to be so good to me,” Will said as he turned his head to look at Nico, eyes a deep hazy blue, a warm grin glinting across his teeth.

               “You are an idiot,” Nico sighed as he leaned down to kiss him. “But you are also disgustingly sweet.”

               “Don’t say it like a compliment or I’ll believe you like me or something,” Will teased as he pushed up to meet Nico’s mouth again.

               “How embarrassing that would be,” Nico murmured between brushes of lips. “It was good, Will.”

               “I’m totally down if you want to torture me with those sexy pianist fingers next,” Will told him, and Nico honestly couldn’t tell if he was being serious or joking. “I have more lube in my cabin—“

               “Will, seriously—?“    

               Nico sat down to get his hair cut by Mitchell, and could see Drew smirk at him from the corner of his eye. Nico immediately flipped her off. 

               Just another day at CHB. 

[rodrigohyde]

How Kevin Alejandro transformed his body and became the fittest cop on the force in ‘Lucifer’

Playing a police officer has become second nature for actor Kevin Alejandro.

During his 15-year career, the Texas-born actor has appeared as some type of law enforcement official on the medical-drama Grey's Anatomy, the sci-fi series Heroes, the romantic-comedy Wake, the cop-drama series Golden Boy, the FBI procedural Eleventh Hour, the mystery series The Returned, and in a fan-favorite role as Detective Nate Moretta on the gritty cop-drama Southland. As far as casting directors are concerned, the guy just looks like a cop.

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And throughout that run of projects, Alejandro has kept himself in what he called “pretty good” shape. But for his most recent role as as Detective Daniel Espinoza on the FOX series Lucifer—a fantasy police procedural centered around the comic book character created by Neil Gaiman—he took it to the next level.

Putting in the work

During his break from the show following the first season, Alejandro teamed up with his personal trainer Paolo Mascitti, adding more than 10lbs of muscle to his frame with an intense summer workout program. The producers of the show, which is in its third season and likely set for a fourth-season renewal, were so impressed that they incorporated his fitness transformation into the series.

Leslie Alejandro

“It was during the hiatus before the second season, I was going like six days a week with high-intensity training, and then mixing it up with heavy weightlifting,” Alejandro tells Men’s Fitness. “When I came back to the table read, the producers and showrunners saw me, saw the physical change, and were like, ‘Wow, dude. You're not the same—we're going to write that into the show and the character.'"

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His inspiration to hit the gym so hard? “I wanted to see if I could possibly become the best physical version of myself,” Alejandro says. Bringing a new layer to his character, who Lucifer (Tom Ellis) lovingly calls “Detective Douche,” has been an added bonus.

“I wanted to represent a police officer in almost a superhero sort of way,” Alejandro says. “I have such respect, because of the amount of experience I've had playing detectives and police officers, and I wanted to show a complex version of a cop. Now, the show’s making his fitness part of the character. It’s just one aspect, but it adds something to who the character is and his personality, because being a cop is a physical job.”

FOX via Getty Images / Lucifer

'It’s 80% diet and 20% hitting the gym'

Mascitti designed Alejandro's summer workout programs to keep him moving constantly, whether through high-intensity interval workouts or superset-dominated lifting days with limited rest periods. Sometimes Alejandro would start with a high-rep, medium-weight movement (like a biceps curl), jump directly into 15 burpees, and then immediately start another lift—then jump onto the treadmill for a two-minute sprint. “I hated it at first,” Alejandro says. “But I never saw such fast and quick results until I started doing those. Those routines are probably my love-to-hate exercise kind of thing—but they really worked.”

To maintain all the progress he made over that first summer, Alejandro still heads to the gym five days per week for 60–90 minutes depending upon his schedule. Alejandro says he’s trying to bulk up a bit more than usual, so he’s been doing less high-intensity cardio work and more powerlifting—using high weight and low reps to build his frame.

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For as much as hitting the gym helped his transformation, the actor said nutrition played a crucial role, too. Apart from the few times he’d sneak in a cheat meal—pizza, pasta, or Chinese food are his favorites—Alejandro ate as healthy as possible while downing five to six meals per day to maintain his energy and fuel his body.

“To me the real key to all of it is clean eating; in my opinion, it’s 80% diet and 20% hitting the gym,” Alejandro says. “I just got to the point where I made almost all of my meals at home, because you never really know what's in [restaurant food], and I wanted to really be in control with the quality of food that I was eating. You want to cheat, but it's relatively easy once you put yourself in the mindframe to avoid those late-night temptations. One thing I did was cook everything and put some of the meals in little plastic containers, so the moment I was hungry, I would throw it in the microwave; so avoiding those temptations became a lot easier for me.”

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Transforming his body—and his career

Being on a television set for long days of shooting can make it easy for actors to slip up on their diets, especially when catered food spreads lurk around every corner. Alejandro counters the temptation by bringing some of his own healthy stuff to work. And when he does slip up, he has the perfect solution.

“I bought this thing called ‘The Rack,’ and I basically set up a little gym in my trailer,” Alejandro says. “It’s an all-in-one thing, so I use it as a dip bar, for pushups, curls—everything. I have dumbbells in there and a stability ball, so I can do any type of workout when I have time. I usually will do a full-body workout of some kind, a solid 30 minutes with no rest, that really gets things going. I’ll do it during lunch, and that will satisfy my mind and my body for that day—knowing I was able to get something in.”

  S A T U R D A Y S with my damn trainer @paolomascitti

A post shared by Kevin M Alejandro (@kevinmalejandro) on Nov 18, 2017 at 1:58pm PST

Alejandro’s fitness transformation changed his character on Lucifer, and it’s also starting to make an impact on his overall career.

“I used to be insecure about staying in shape,” Alejandro says. “But it’s no longer an issue—it’s part of the way I live now. My managers now get calls from different casting people saying, ‘Wow, what the heck is Kevin doing to his body? He looks great. He’s a different dude.’ That helps give me confidence, and when you look at yourself in the way that you want to, it helps other people notice it, too, and, in some sense, confirm the hard work that you're doing.”

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Leslie Alejandro

Getting behind the camera

What else does the future hold for Alejandro? He’s excited about doing more work on Lucifer, but he’s also interested in getting behind the camera more. Alejandro will direct an upcoming episode of Lucifer, and his short film, Bedtime Story, starring Patrick Fischler (Lost, Twin Peaks) and Tricia Helfer (Battlestar Galactica, Lucifer), recently won the “Best in Festival” award and the “Best Director” award at the Hollywood Short Film Festival earlier in January.

“I hadn’t always wanted to do it, but it just sort of creeped up on me in the last few years,” Alejandro says. “I’ve always wanted to tell stories, and it started with me doing some little, fun, short film challenges, then it just started to sort of take control of me. I shadowed a couple directors on Lucifer, and then eventually I got accepted into the Warner Bros. Directors Program. I put up a little YouTube channel called Alejandro Films, and worked on some low-budget stuff. It’s been like another dream come true.”

During his lengthy career, Alejandro’s been able to work on shows with strong fanbases: Sons of Anarchy, True Blood, and Arrow. Alejandro sees the same passion from Lucifer fans.

“I have been fortunate enough to be part of what I think are really great shows with really good people, and the fans have all been fantastic on this,” Alejandro says. “It's always great to be able to do what you love, and be around other professionals who love it just as much as you. You become sort of a family in that sense. I love, love being on that set, it brings a smile to my face every day I get to go.”

Lucifer airs on FOX on Mondays at 8 p.m. ET.

Photo Team Credits:

Photographer LESLIE ALEJANDRO @lesliealejandro Stylist WARREN ALFIE BAKER @alfiebakerstyle Groomer LEIBI CARIAS @ CELESTINE using ORIBE @leibi_carias Photo assistant ARSEN VASQUEZ @arsen_ist Location RETROFIT @retrofitweho

Wardrobe provided by:

HERO SPORT @herosportofficial ADIDAS @adidas PUMA @puma

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Celebrity workouts

from Men's Fitness https://www.mensfitness.com/life/entertainment/how-kevin-alejandro-transformed-his-body-and-became-fittest-cop-force-lucifer