#probs better not to I just want to vent and rant before I have to pretend everything is fine at work

[saul-okayman]

This is my LONG vent about everything which I should prob not post

We have had big fights and I made sacrifices too, like during COVID I went to his country on a tourist visa to stay together. But we were leaving country A (where we met) and I had to go to my home Country B Before going to Country C

And I had to isolate for 2 full weeks, so ovb I wanted to be with my family after that, I either spent a month out of isolation or 2 weeks before leaving for COuntry C. And then He was mad when I left for 6 weeks (2 isolation and 4 w family) around Christmas time.

Then he did 3 years with me in Country B

There was one incident In country C where we went to a new take out restaurant to get food for us, and his sister (plus her wife) BEFORE the grandparents birthday.

The food took forever, and took so long that he came into the restaurant, yelled at me before leaving. I was tearing up and the server had to keep asking of I was okay. I get the food and we keep fighting in the car, he keeps yelling, I'm crying and yelling back. In a fit of rage he tries to throw out the snack I bought him out the window. I stop crying when we get to his sister's house.

We open the food, see they forgot to pack an item, and I immediately start sobbing. AND WE STILL GO TO HIS GRANDPARENT'S BIRTHDAY? AND I FORGIVE HIM IN THE SAME DAY????

That was the first and only time something like that happened in the past 5 years but I still immediately forgave him.

I have a problem with cleaning, where I just CAN NOT bring myself to do it, out of sight, out of mind, if I do not have a list I will get overwhelmed and not do it, but I have been getting better. he cleans the kitchen every day for an hour BUT 80% if those dishes are his. When he was gone for a week-long work trip thing, I ran the dishwasher maybe twice.

One night I didn't do any cleaning and he flipped out and threw my earrings down the hall. They didn't break (thank god) and he apologized once before back to being mad about the cleaning.

I just feel like I dealt with so much of his mental illness that I forget people do actually break up over that. The anxiety, depression, and intrusive thoughts occurred when I went home for Christmas (6 weeks away) and he basically isolated himself from everyone. I feel like I have done SO MUCH to support him.

At first when my prof who tells students not to go for a PhD in sociology told ME she sew the drive in me to get one, he was like "great lets go where is best for you while I focus on my career" (as he has a PhD), then its "A PhD can not happen for you now bc I have mine and I can't let it go cold" and then "I'll move anywhere for your masters" to "Please only apply to masters in Provence A" to now which is "Only the big city ones I will go to because I can't like in an isolated small town, and I actually just want to go home, ie back with my parents I do not want any of this."

he's mad because I diden't immensely pick the university in a big city. That I would consider one in a small city. Huge yelling fights about how I am selfish and thinking of me and not US as a couple. And now that I;m holding him back from any job with his PhD.

I tried to explain why I still want to think about small city uni bc they REALLY want me to attend, keep talking about my research interests, and I am FLATTERED. I think they're stupid at times but I AM FLATTERED. I told him, he was sad over that and understood then called me manuplitive for that.

When I'm mad, I'm mad and want nothing to do with a person. He is flip-flopping from saying "I love you, we're not going to break up." to "You're a self-obsessed monster and I have to lie to myself that I am happy in this city and lie to myself about how you act sometimes."

I asked if he still wanted me to kiss him when he went to work today, and he said yes, then after told me he was lying to himself and he did not want one but did not want me to be sad. Is if he did not call me a "shellfish bitch" this morning.

it's just SO hot and cold. Making me cry last night and once I'm in bed, telling me how he wished he could meet his grandfather and talk about politics. Took a (would be funny of not fighting) photo of me when I fell asleep mid duolingo last night and sent it to me.

He goes to Country C on Sunday night or Monday am for a trip he booked a while back. Maybe he'll just return to get his stuff.

What hurts most is he wants to keep our cat.

[anxious3cto]

The usual TW, not in any real detail or anything, but still. This post is mainly just me ranting/venting about my sad little boy crush ya know. As usual pls block don't report, and remember to hydrate before you diedrate <3. Love you all besties stay save 💓

Soooooo now time for the rant below:

It's been another bit right.., well now I'm definitely back on my bullshit, cause guess what besties that crush I had (still have tbh).

Soo, STORY TIME! [Note all of this info about my crush comes from my friend who didn't want me to suffer anymore]

So the guy I like apparently liked me too in 9th (I'm in 10th) my friend even said I was his bi awakening, (this fact kinda scares me cause I've been used in the past, so the what if cause I'm a trans masc I'll be used for my attributes, since I'm masc enough where it counts to be considered an 'adventure', but still fem enough to where it not that different. Like I'm sure he'd never to that to me, but still it's like my brain is trying to make him the bad guy so I don't like him anymore but I digress.) Anyway my other friend told me he has been in cahoots (not dating but really close, like she has his actual #, meanwhile ive never had it only the socials) with this one pan chick, and tbh from what I hear she's great, tbh she's definitely better for him than I am, I'm far to fucked up to be good for anyone. <side note, have y'all heard that song Jason by Bonnie Parker, that is what I'm afraid will happen to me> the song⏬️

I have screen shot of chats, that will probs explain this better than me [I might put it below (with the necessary blacked out] but idk, maybe not for privacy ya know.

Anyway yall I am mad depressed (literally, tw, but the night it all went down, ie me finding all this out, I took like four benadryl to sleep*seriously all ot was for* and I still feel weird and vaguely numb and overall just off (probably cause of the crush lore lol)

So now I'm bout to st☆rve the shit out of myself and overall get deeper, maybe if I can't be perfect on the inside, i can on the outside.

[hakirachan]

Hey guys. Hakira here. Just a rant below the cut, read if you want. Or don’t. I don’t care.

I usually don’t vent on this blog. It’s mostly full of crack, shits and giggles, which is why you probably weren’t expecting this kind of post. But I just need to explain something in case I suddenly stop posting one day. (I know you guys probably don’t care; in fact, most of y’all probs won’t see this, but I needed to post this anyways. Sorry.) It’s kinda depressing so feel free to keep scrolling now that you know that.

So, I’m at a really shitty point in my life. It feels like everyone’s against me, like I’ve got almost nobody supporting me, and I feel like I’m hated by everyone I’ve ever looked up to. I know, sooo original. Well, it’s deeper than that.

I’m still living with my parents (somehow), but it’s always been pretty toxic ever since I was a kid. As the youngest, I can guarantee that the “youngest sibling is the favorite child, oldest gets all the work” stereotype is complete bullshit. I was told to do some things that kids that age shouldn’t have had to do. At just 6-7 years old, I was forced to take heavy bags & boxes (and I mean 40-50 pounds each) of my dad’s old shit down to the curb and wait there until they got picked up by his friend (“to make sure it didn’t get blown away” or something like that) in the middle of a fucking snowstorm, with temps below -10 degrees Fahrenheit [around -23 degrees Celsius]. Almost lost my fingers from that. They made me set out & pack up most things for a family campout on my own when I wasn’t even staying at the campsite; I was staying home with a mean, nicotine-addicted (took out a cigarette the moment my parents pulled out of the driveway; refused to stop smoking even though the smoke was making my 8-year-old body nauseous) babysitter because I had a B- in one of my classes. I know this doesn’t sound that bad, but the problem is that I wasn’t even 10 when these things were happening. It’s not really anything too serious, but I was still basically ripped out of my childhood way too early. But, enough about my childhood; now my present life. I’ve relied on my friends for comfort for most of my life because of my dysfunctional home. Recently, though, my friends have become more distant and toxic. Spreading rumors, talking shit, leaving me out, and pulling pranks that go too far (like ruining the outfit I worked so hard to make the day before my band concert). I’ve only got three friends I trust; however, 2 of them I hardly talk to anymore (not because anything happened, we’ve just got different things going on in our lives). So, there’s only one real friend who’s always stuck with me. However, there’s nothing he can do about my family at home. As I said earlier, my family’s always been toxic and dysfunctional. It should have gotten better over the years, but no. It’s gotten worse. They’ve cussed me out, threatened me, and recently, I’ve even been a victim to some domestic violence. I talked to the cops about it, and to a lady from the state who deals with these kinds of things. However, since there were no visible marks and no proof of it, they couldn’t log it as abuse because they can’t just go off of what is said; they need some hard evidence to actually do anything. So, since I don’t have the money to move out of my parent’s house, I had to watch my only hope at escaping this mental and verbal (and now some physical) abuse quite literally walk out the door. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges for the longest time. And, I’m ashamed to admit it because I’ve talked so many people out of it irl, but recently I have been self-harming. Thing is, while I had helped so many other people, nobody ever helped me through these dark times in my life. In fact, some people (who I helped through their trauma) literally told me to self-harm and to just kill myself when I tried venting to them. I just can’t deal with this shit anymore. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I can’t see the “bright side” anymore. There is no more “bright side” for me. I’m on the edge right now, literally. But I’ve got you guys to thank for getting me this far. Thank you so much for being here for me, even though I don’t usually vent, and you guys didn’t know what I’ve been going through up until now, so you weren’t actively trying to support me. Even so, thanks for appreciating me and not treating me like I’m more worthless than a dead plant. I love you all, and I hope you guys have great lives. So, if I change my mind, then I’ll see you guys later. If not…well, don’t mourn me, I’ll be in a better place. So long, guys. also im gonna give this a few days in case things get better (though let’s be honest, they’re probably not gonna) so don’t miss me just yet. If I’m gone for like, over a week, then you can assume I finally freed myself from this hell

shoutout to my mutuals, you guys are awesome and were great help to me (im not gonna pin you so you don’t feel obliged to read/reply to my dumb rant): dumb-mc-sheep cldhart08 acronym49 cricketproofreads im-an-angy-alpaca trash-opposum

And special shoutouts to my two fav mutuals (sorry other moots) @family-disappointment and @avatarofstars! You two were some of the greatest motivators for me to keep going. I’m sorry that your efforts (while unintentional) probably weren’t enough this time. I love you both and wish you both the best lives you can have! (And sorry for bothering you with the tag, just wanted you to see this last little note to you both💜)

This is Hakira, signing out.

:)

[eileen-crys]

~~~

[free-the-mages]

.

[plutosexc]

——— TR Love Language ———

pairing: chifuyu and mitsuya x gn!reader

warnings + genre: none & fluff

a/n: a bit self indulgent and some are my opinions, but that’s alr LOL enjoy :)

☈ Chifuyu Matsuno

NEEDS: Quality Time

❏ He loves you. This much is obvious. Chifuyu loves your company more than anything, just having you around him is enough.

❏ The sound of your voice is literal music to his ears.

❏ It doesn’t even have to be the standard “couple” tasks, just do anything with him. Help him bathe his cat [Peke J], read manga with him, walk with him whenever he wants to get fresh air, etc.

❏ Ask him about something he’s interested in and you can see his eyes brighten, almost as if he’s just gotten the best news. HE.LOVES.THIS. It shows you’re taking a genuine interest in him and what he cares about.

❏ You once asked him a question about the latest chapter of this manga you’d both been reading. It was a bit confusing to you. Chifuyu got so excited and carried away, he rambled for about 10 minutes.

❏ When he noticed he apologized, but not once did you tell him “stop” or “that’s enough”. You just rested your chin on your arm and stared at him attentively. Eyes full fondness hanging on to his every word.

❏ That’s most likely when he realized there’d never be anyone better.

GIVES: Words of Affirmation

❏ Essentially your personal cheerleader. He is so supportive of you and always there to lift you up when you’re low in spirits.

❏ It’s not really so much that Chifuyu showers you with compliments, but that he’s honest about how he’s feeling.

❏ His “words of affirmation” come naturally in the moment, not something rehearsed.

❏ He loves seeing how you get when you’ve found something you want to pursue. Best believe he will be there to push you and encourage you.

❏ Chifuyu wants to be a pillar in a sense, someone you look to for reassurance. He’s always telling you how much he loves you. Like you know already, but he’ll just be like “you know i love you right?” 😭. Secretly you love it though.

❏ Now, ‘fuyu is your cheerleading for sure, but he won’t hesitate to tell you when you’re overworking yourself. I see him as the type to give you a huge lecture when he notices you skipping meals to work and stuff.

☈ Mitsuya Takashi

GIVES: Acts of Service

❏ Mitsuya is used to looking after others. Like his sisters and the entirety of toman because they’re his family. It’s only natural that you’d come into this list too.

❏ Helping you and doing things for your benefit comes as second nature to him.

❏ Would text you randomly during the day like, “did you drink water today?”.

❏ The first one to offer you a hand if he knows you’ve got something to do. Mitsuya really doesn’t expect anything in return.

❏ I see him as the type to make you drop everything if you’re overworking yourself. Like let him find out you bit off more than you can chew without asking for help.

❏ If you are someone who has trouble asking for help, he’d just do it. You guys were talking on the phone and you’d been venting about the long list of tasks that needed completion.

❏ The next day about 5 of those tasks had magically been completed?? Yea, it was Mitsuya. He wouldn’t deny it either, but you truly appreciated him.

❏ Also because you lowk thought he wasn’t listening when you were ranting about your busyness.

NEEDS: Acts of Service

❏ As I said before, Mitsuya looks out for everyone he cares about. He needs someone who can reciprocate and do the same for him.

❏ Mitsuya won’t admit he needs help and would most definitely refuse at first, but if you keep pestering him then he has no choice. Can he really say no to you?

❏ Sometimes he gets caught up in his sisters, toman, his studies, his school club, etc. that he forgets to take care of himself.

❏ Make him bento’s when he doesn’t have the time to, setup study dates together and make sure he takes breaks, text him periodically through the day to make sure he’s taking care of himself.

❏ One time you had been asking him to hangout for days, but he kept blowing you off. That’s not usually like him because he enjoyed your company and if it made you happy he was all for it.

❏ When you arrived at Mitsuya’s house his eyes were red with apparent bags underneath them, his skin a bit pale. You could tell he hadn’t eaten or slept. No. no. No.

❏ This just didn’t work for you. You cooked him dinner, washed the dishes afterwords, ran him a bath and even massaged him after he got out. Bb was so thankful he had someone like you.

❏ Literally was unsure of how to respond to being pampered. 😭

uh originally draken was supposed to be in this too but i wrote too much?? so probs a p2

taglist | taglist form

@asaincy @myhoodacademia @morosis-haze @akisssnigga @mypimpademia @angiebug101 @lilsparkyswife @royalelusts @keiwaizumi @racistareversa @b4ngal @brithedemonspawn @artickitafox @0risha @g0joluvrrr @soupfrogy @crapimahuman @revengingvixen @iheartgirl @kazuluvr @dabisfireflower @asscheeks

[i-may-be-loosing-it]

TW EDS/SH | BLOCK DON'T REPORT PLS|

!!!Please read before following thank you :)

🌟 Hey so i thought i would make a new introduction bc yes

• You can call me May 🌟🌈.

• I'm 19, she/her.

•btw english is not my first language and im a high school dropout so dont be too harsh on my grammar lmfao.

• PLEASE DO NOT REPORT, JUST BLOCK !! THIS IS MY SAFE SPACE i can't afford therapy and this is the only outlet i have.

• I do not promote eds, im not pr04n4 and i think everyone deserves to feel beautiful in their skin, eat whatever tf they want,wear whatever tf they want, and live happy, everyone except me, I tried ''recovery'' and i wasn't ready but i fully support recovery and if you are recovered or in recovery pls leave my blog i want the best for you and i'm proud you got there 🌟💗.

• dni if you're: not an edblog, <16yo (if i follow you and you're <16 pls tell me), in recovery, recovered, racist, homophobic, transphobic, ed fetishist, porn blogs, and just nasty stuff ew ok (btw i am aware that i speak like a literal child but my childhood was stolen and now i am very immature blame my dad idk dude)

• I will follow/interact with +16 but i will not dm u unless you're +18 tho i suck ass at human interactions so you're prob better off lmao.

• Here i vent/share memes/rant/talk about my undiagnosed EDNOS, depression, self harm, suicide thoughts, unstable family life, SAD and being poor while actively doing nothing to change my situation bc /clown.

• I binge regularly and just fail at life constantly and cry about it here, if you think that makes me less valid just block me bc i seem to be unable to change and learn from mistakes lol.

• ❌ Stats ❌ ⤵

h: 152cm/5'0

🍭 hw: ~65+kg/143+lb | bmi: 28

🌟 sw: ~65+kg/143+lbs | bmi: 28

🍭 cw: 52.7kg/116lbs | bmi: 23

🌟 gw1: 53kg/116lbs | bmi: 23 (8/12/21)

🍭 gw2: 50kg/110lbs | bmi: 22

🌟 gw3: 47kg/103lbs | bmi: 20

🍭 gw4: 45kg/99lbs | bmi: 19

🌟 gw5: 43kg/94lbs | bmi: 19

🍀 ugw: 40kg/88lbs | bmi: 17

k bye have a nice day 🌟🌈💕

[cattles-bians]

damie vibecca exes au part 21

post directory

em: viola and becs love their lil hikes

em: oh actually did we already designate hiking as a damie thing

em: hmm.

em: yknow what damie and vibecca can both enjoy their weekend hikes

em: they bring isabel and she’s RUNNING up the path and tires herself out in 10 minutes and rebecca and viola swap out piggybacking her

obsetress: yeah it tracks because they both like fitness and viola likes her walks

obsetress: plus viola's like "it's good for isabel"

em: vibecca power lesbians love the challenging trails and damie just enjoy the sights

obsetress: dani venting to jamie one night: they don't even LIKE hiking, but they still had to do the blackjack loop, and WE won't even do the blackjack loop,

em: dani and her fanny packs... every time she sees isabel on a trail she like

em: stuffs her pockets w granola akdhdkfhdj

em: drives viola NUTS she’s like we packed our Own snacks

obsetress: dani gets SO excited

---

obsetress: man i love these lil gay bitches

obsetress: no but um

obsetress: jamie gets in some fight w rebecca early on after they've reconnected

obsetress: prob about her dating vi tbh

obsetress: and jamie's so put off by the whole thing and is ranting to dani about it and dani's all like "you just need to have better boundaries, jamie, they're her choices, aren't they? not yours"

obsetress: and jamie just stares at her like.........................................

obsetress: "dani, you literally continued hooking up with viola for weeks after you broke up"

"oh, c'mon jamie, it wasn't weeks"

"no?"

"it was months"

em: dani shooting herself in the foot to like. correct jamie is so funny

em: not even ‘no that’s different’ or ‘no i’ve changed’ like ‘actually it was months’

obsetress: she says it w such a lil pleased smile on her face too

---

obsetress:

obsetress: like who the FUCk gave her the right???

obsetress: a whole babe

obsetress: she didn't need to smirk like this

em: god she’s so Hot

obsetress: just think about all the times she and viola get into the banter

obsetress: and this exact face

em: i know we veered dramatically into soft territory w exes au but vi extremely stubborn lloyd and rebecca lawyer do no harm take no shit jessel truly. have some spectacular arguments

obsetress: they have absolute blowouts

obsetress: and then blowouts after the blowouts iywkim

obsetress: like dani's do no harm take no shit but she and vi also enable the SHIT out of each other

em: like dani tried but dani wasnt like. fully baked yet

obsetress: yeah! and then when she finally does and breaks up with her, she's back in her bed a few weeks later

obsetress: rebecca is the first person to not take viola's shit and to tell her no and viola can't fucking stand it

em: jamies convinced it’s a ruse for more make up sex

obsetress: dani's like "no, babe, trust me, i know what that looks like and this––"

"wot"

"what?"

em: dani (hushed) no she’s regular mad this isn’t fun mad

em: jamie (hushed but incredulous) FUN MAD?!

obsetress: please tell me how dani explains fun mad

em: a lil eyebrow waggle and a wink but then i like

em: thought abt her going to lift jamie up on a bench ‘well she kinda’

---

obsetress: the way rebecca looks at peter when he is (seemingly) (unfortunately) good w the kids has me thinking about like

obsetress: rebecca seeing vi w isabel for the first time and just

em: turns out the evil landlord shes banging is also…… soft

obsetress: rebecca and jamie on the phone and rebecca's like "i know she's... a landlord and all, but you should've seen her with isabel"

"you've gotta be fucking kidding me, becs––"

"no, maybe you're too quick to write her off. maybe people can be more than one thing"

and jamie just groans

em: poor jamie and her class traitor ex gf

em: blows kiss to rebecca

---

em: dani: i gotta go to the bathroom i’ll be right back

em: jamie: ok love

em: dani; (elbows jamie) ive Gotta Go To The B

obsetress: screamed

obsetress: dani trips over her own feet as she gets up to go

obsetress: then i just start thinking about dani absolutely pouncing on jamie the second they get into the bathroom and then i just start thinking about. how often that happens

obsetress: bathrooms or closets or wherever else

em: dani has this 6th sense for places to sneak off to

obsetress: god she DOES

obsetress: she's so good at it

em: she enters a new building and is taking lil notes just in case

obsetress: meanwhile rebecca and viola exchanging a look while they wait, knowing EXACTLY where they're going

em: viola leaning in like how much time do we have and becs is like vi. where’s your decorum

em: then she looks down at her watch and lists it down to the second

obsetress: she pauses

obsetress: then

obsetress: "and another six minutes if––" and vi's like "she'll want to go again"

em: viola buffing her nails on her blazer: she’ll want to go again

obsetress: rebecca rolls her eyes but she's grinning

obsetress: "you're all too smug" "me? smug?" becs just shakes her head and tugs her in by the lapels of her blazer

em: damie coming back to a fairly chaste vibecca kiss: BLEH can you guys GET A ROOM

obsetress: rebecca's just verly placidly like

obsetress: "dani, your zipper is still down, by the way"

em: dani; thanks :)

---

em: dani clayton voice i’m braver and severely Weirder than ppl think

obsetress: she's a bit of a weirdo

em: see now i’m thinking about dani glancing away going dang i thought i was keeping it under wraps

obsetress: ngl i think about that a lot like

obsetress: she IS a weirdo but what does jamie know

obsetress: that she's like yeah she's a fucking weirdo

obsetress: like she's anxious and jumpy but jamie wouldn't call that weird

obsetress: what did she know and when did she know it

em: i’m thinking about jamie catching dani doing something like. idk eating a burger layer by layer or w a knife and fork and going

em: what a freak. i’m gonna marry her

em: dani tells jamie no this is a normal american thing and then when they go to vermont jamie realises no this absolutely is not

obsetress: she says something about it and dani doesn't even remember saying it in the first place

obsetress: "i didn't say that"

"you literally did say that"

"why would i say that"

(jamie taylor eyebrow raise) "you tell me"

(dani clayton flush and stutter) "i–– i..."

em: dani mumbles something like i didn’t think it’d pan out like this i just wanted the cool gardener to think i was. semi normal

em: jamie waggles her eyebrows like cool gardener???

obsetress: dani bumps her shoulder into jamie's "shut up"

"don't think i will, actually"

em: jamie starts to v seriously eat her burger layer by layer. danis like ‘ur taking the mick!’ and jamies like (sheepish) naw i just. wanted to see what it’s like

---

em: every so often they’ll run into someone who went to school w jamie or knew her as a youth and they’re like ‘wow you’ve mellowed out heaps’

em: therapy queen

em: theyre in a pub and someone’s like ‘as i live and breathe! jamie taylor! i heard you died! someone told me you were arrested for (crime that becomes bigger and more outlandish w every new person)’ and jamies like ‘aye’ and they’re like

em: all sharing a beer at a quaint little pub n this old acquaintance from before has these v chaotic stories and danis like

em: jamie? my jamie? u must be confused. jamie goes to bed at 9:30pm watching antiques roadshow

obsetress: jamie just grins a lil

em: danis like haha jamie wow ur so mysterious and (she is already casing the joint for places to sneak off too)

---

em: damvibecca sittin in a circle passing a joint around

em: a nice thought

obsetress: Wholesome

obsetress: dani falls asleep first, with her head in jamie's lap and they're all just kinda vibin and rebecca gets up to get her a blanket or smth and vi's just kinda like

obsetress: "you're really good for her, you know"

obsetress: all quiet and pensive

em: jamie takes a loooooonng pause and she’s like. i was sceptical but. you’re good for becs too

em: and then even quieter she’s like

em: thanks

em: the softest thank u from one jamie taylor

obsetress: rebecca gets back and looks back n forth between the two of them

"why are you two being weird"

"we're not–- what?"

"we're just sitting here, baby"

obsetress: rebecca narrows her eyes

---

obsetress: jamie likes vi for becs because vi reminds her to live a little

obsetress: and can also keep up with her temperament because holy shit did jamie hate all of becca's bougie shit

em: jamie absolutely has um

em: like a repairs pile that shes gonna get around to Some Day re fixin clothes etc and

em: as much as i love 'rebecca and jamie worlds most calm and collected no drama couple' im defs toying with like

em: their ONE Big fight is beccs throws out the repairs pile

obsetress: "i was gonna––"

"no you WEREN'T, jamie!"

em: jamies like i The Tool I Needed is outta stock i had to- and becs is like? what, like you couldnt make do?

em: and even then when the heat dies down its still v calm and civil but like

em: FINALLY a lil dramatic angle to jamie rebecca

em: dani loves the repairs pile bc she loves a project

obsetress: she's also very content to let jamie have her silly little thing

obsetress: because it doesn't bother her and jamie is very good at keeping it in her space

obsetress: rebecca asks her about it one day and dani's like "oh i'm just glad she has a hobby :)"

em: couple times jamie's like. shes been tryna repair this one chair for months and eventually shes like

em: (swings axe) winters coming

obsetress: dani just watches with the dopiest grin

obsetress: jamie's all wot

obsetress: and dani's like

obsetress: :) you're hot :)

em: danis like hey i know its a brisk autumn but um

em: if u wanna

em: mimes taking shirt off

obsetress: jamie does it

obsetress: jamie rolling her eyes as she unbuttons the top couple buttons then tugs her shirt over her head

obsetress: but she's grinning

obsetress: dani sneaking up behind her as she's sorting the wood and just leaning into her bare back

obsetress: jamie jumps "oi!" and dani grins and nuzzles between her shoulders

---

obsetress: been having so many becca feelings in our rewatch

em: oh gosh

em: i love her she truly is a tragic character

obsetress: same

obsetress: i just want her to live happily ever after in her lil power lesbian outfits with her lil power lesbian wife

obsetress: like she needs someone who can MATCH her

obsetress: her energy and her intensity and her passion

obsetress: and like she and jamie can push each other to be better but jamie’s just kinda like “lemme chill n do my gay little tasks” yknow

em: ya and like they Worked but they worked Much better as friends than anything romantic

em: jamies the lesbian best friend that’s like girl. stop settling for mediocre men with accents

obsetress: yeah!

em: jamie ‘how soon is too soon to ask out my good friend rebecca jessel after her v messy break up w peter quint’ taylor

em: and then rebecca ends up being the one like ‘have you ever thought about us?’ while jamies agonising over it like four months later

em: rebeccas a little go getter and jamie needs a little bit of a shove sometimes

obsetress: jamie, surrounded by three shovers,

obsetress: rebecca says it so casually over dinner like she’s talking about the weather and jamie’s like !?

obsetress: i can also see like

obsetress: rebecca says that bit about "have you ever thought about us" at dinner and jamie blanches and second guesses everything they do "is....... is this a date" becca just shrugs "do you want it to be?"

em: jamies motormouthing like ok but i cannot stress enough that i was comforting you about ur break up in a friend way no ulterior motives way i am ur friend first and foremost and rebecca just like

em: lets her get it out of her system

em: ‘well what about my ulterior motives’

obsetress: she WOULD

obsetress: "did you ever consider that maybe i had ulterior motives"

em: jamie: (pursing her lips, furrowing her brow that way she does) you had a messy break up with peter quint….. to seduce me.

em: rebecca: mmhmm

obsetress: jamie: me?

obsetress: rebecca: well, maybe a couple of reasons, but... yeah. you were up there

---

em: after i asked out [ex] i spent ages agonising over when it would be appropriate to kiss her (i know...) and then one night at a party she’s like ‘so why haven’t u kissed me yet?’ and i’m like are u fucken. mate it takes two to tango

obsetress: oh my god?

em: drawing from that

em: jamie thinks they’re taking it slow (but not that slow) and rebecca is like girl what

em: ‘i never took you for old fashioned’

‘wot, me?’

'mmhm’

‘old fashioned?!’

‘well, you haven’t kissed me yet-‘

‘you haven't kissed me! i figured you wanted to take it slow after p-‘ and then rebecca like full on dips jamie and kisses her

em: rebeccas like always wanted to do that at least once lol

em: jamie is speechless for a couple minutes

obsetress: rEBECCA

---

obsetress: thinking thoughts rebecca jamie same height but rebecca heels

obsetress: jamie looking up @ her all

obsetress: rebecca in her heels and is chilly and jamie getting up onto her tip toes to wrap her big coat around rebecca's shoulders

em: softtt

[maxdark158]

HEAR ME OUT - I’VE GOT AN AU IDEA

Okay, so I have too much on my plate with Demon in Gotham, the sequel, and my and @slytherinsheashire ‘s baby so I can’t write this au out as a story but I couldn’t get the idea out of my head so if any of you write this PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tag me

Daminette endgame (through really can work with any ship in the maribat fandom)

So I know in most Daminette AUs we hate on Adrien because of his flaws in canon (which I am not against)

BUUUUT au where there was no love interest for Adrien/Chat Noir and Ladybug/Marinette to begin with, so they were Best Friends, and still are when Damian comes in

Like he is protective because That's My BFF but he's reasonable and not in love with her

He also actually has her back with Lila. He can't stand up stand up to her (because abusive father) but he hangs out with Marinette whenever he can and they make fun of Lila together when she can't hear them and he is passive-aggressive with her a lot

He likes Damian but by Rule of Best Friends he does threaten him if he hurts his BFF

Alya is still a jerk but Adrien is passive (agreste)sive with her too about fact-checking

Also, Alya totally thinks Mari liked Adrien and doesn’t listen to Mari saying no

CN completely hates Lila btw because not only is she lying about Red Best Friend but she's bullying Pink Best Friend and while Adrien has to be nice CN doesn't!

A mental image: Adrien telling Lila she looks pretty, "today," before running off before she picks up on the insult

He also as CN takes his job more seriously and only banters on patrol and such. He didn't at first but LB took him aside and explained why she was annoyed and he stopped – because that’s what you do when your BFF asks you to!!

When the reveal happens Adrien is like, "you are my mega ultra best friend now"

Because I don't really ship Adrien with anyone but Mari I HC that in this au he's aro ace. If you ship him with someone he can just not be interested in Mari (gaydrien is also an option) but the rest of this will continue as if he is aro ace, change as needed if you write differently

He and Mari are the closest two BFFs can be but she and Damian are the ones with romantic feelings and such

Adrien is actually the one who suggests giving the Fox to Damian when Alya shows no signs on improving

He’s just the bestest of best friends and he never feels like Mari owes him anything and he gives terrible dating advice and they’re just! Best Friends!!

He also recognizes his dad as abusive and is trying to better himself while being under his father’s thumb. He’s essentially counting down the days to freedom at this point

Gabriel is Adrien-phobic, sexuality included. Adrien hasn’t come out to him and he never plans to

A quick list of episode fixes in random order--

Stoneheart – is the same up until they ‘fall in love’ CN is just super excited to have someone as awesome as LB as a friend. Mari doesn’t fall in love but she is a bit awkward with her new BFF at first

Stormy Weather – Alya, Manon, and Marinette all went to the park to bring Adrien a snack in stormy weather because he complained about his diet

CN banters, doesn’t flirt, stops bantering around Copycat when LB asks if he can focus on work when there is an akuma

Horrificator – Adrien was anti kiss no matter who the actress was. Nino, realizing he was making his bro uncomfortable, forgoes the kiss completely, despite Alya suddenly pushing for it once Marinette was volunteered as the lead girl

Animan – Adrien asked Mari if she had a crush on anyone first, because he didn’t want to put her in a situation where she was accidentally leading Nino on. All four of them end up going to the zoo together as planned but Mari locked Alya and Nino in the cage because Alya was annoying her about a ‘crush’ on Adrien

Dark Cupid – LB was venting about Alya trying to get her to confess her nonexistent crush and CN was ranting about ppl sending him letters without even knowing him or his sexuality. He teared up in his rant (when mentioning his father probs) and she hugged him and he saw Dark Cupid and shielded her. She kissed his cheek to break the spell

Prime Queen – Chamack was pushy with them being a couple but they both outright denied it and declared themselves best friends and only that. Mari, resident Bi, came out as lesbian as LB to throw ppl off her trail and make pushy shippers stop. CN hesitated about coming out as ace and, in private, told him he didn’t have to

Volpina – Adrien realized Lila was flirting and shut her down right away, saying he wasn’t interested. Marinette happened to be in the library at the time and she and Tikki saw her steal the book. As LB she confronted Lila about stealing and asked for it back. LB calmly and politely told her not to lie – Lila still gets akumatized. Because Adrien shut Lila down pre-superhero lie CN isn’t suspicious, LB is

Collector – When LB says Gabriel is HM, CN takes a moment to breathe before getting ready to fight. After the akuma he asks if HM can akumatize himself, and they both decide to start tracking akuma when they can

Gamer – lucky charm scene still happens, no romantic connotations to anything. Same with Befana

Bubbler – LB changes the music because Adrien looked so uncomfortable – not out of jealousy. Adrien sees her stitched name in the fabric and asks her privately. This is what starts him on the road of growing independent from his father’s abuse and lack of care

Rogercop – Adrien doesn’t even call his father. He doesn’t want him there and he wouldn’t come anyway, so he doesn’t try. However, he does use the ‘gotta call my father’ excuse to try and help Plagg out of the bracelet

Simon Says – Adrien accepts the hug from his father bug tells Plagg that it would have been warmer to hug a statue after, and he almost wishes his father hadn’t tainted the memory of hugs as a child. The ‘she looks like you’ scene still happens but it’s platonic. Adrien is bouncing and excited in all the Ladrien scenes because BEST FRIEND! RIGHT THERE!!!

Gigantian – the girls don’t do the date thing and are just doing each others’ hair for fun. Alya keeps insisting that Mari do something about her ‘crush’ but the other girls take Marinette’s side and she quits arguing while she’s ahead. Adrien wanders off which is how the akuma glances off Gorilla, then Mari pretends to be sick in the bathroom while going out to become LB

Glaciator – Marinette is upset because her BFF can’t go but she doesn’t get mad so no akuma

Gorilla – Marinette doesn’t really like the commercial because it doesn’t really fit the pun-loving dork that is her BFF but she still manages to be late to the pool then runs around with her BFF in her PJs which she isn’t embarrassed about. She gets mad on Adrien’s behalf when ppl call her his gf

Captain Hardrock – Mari gets a bit of a crush on Luka, Adrien 100% teases her and gives her bad dating advice

Syren – Adrien is upset that he’s out of the loop, but LB told him that she CAN’T tell him and it isn’t her choice to so he doesn’t throw a fit. He does detransform to talk out his feelings with Plagg but he doesn’t threaten to remove the ring or anything

Troublemaker, she has photos of all her classmates on her wall (she actually has the most of Juleka as proof of her picture curse being broken) and she has all her classmates’ schedules because class pres

Reverser – Nathaniel actually apologizes. Like that’s my only change tbh. I ship them but the writers should have included an apology scene, that’s on them (I fully believe Nathaniel apologized but the writers didn’t care enough to include it so f them)

Frozer – they all go to the rink as friends. Adrien invited Kagami for fun and they’re both trying to help Mari with Luka. Kagaminette friendship from that episode onward

Catalyst and Mayura – Alya’s headstrong-ness and Nino’s willingness to do what she says is what brings them down, to show their flaws beforehand. Chloe’s redemption isn’t thrown away like in canon so she has gotten better. CN recognizes his father’s voice but doesn’t react to it because he doesn’t want to expose himself. After Hero’s Day, he tells LB he knows who HM is and accidentally spills his identity – but she doesn't care at the moment because her BFF needs a hug. He doesn’t know LB’s identity but she knows his

Timebreaker, Evillustrator, Mr. Pidgeon, Darkblade, Princess Fragrance, The Mime, Pixelator, Guitar Villain, Reflecta, Kung Food, The Puppeteer, Antibug, Riposte, Robostus, Dark Owl, Sapotis, Gorilla, Frightningale, Zombizou, Queen Wasp, Maledictator, Anansi, Style Queen, and Despair Bear are the same just no lovesquare romance

Chameleon – Adrien doesn’t say the bull about the High Road, because he reconizes Lila is hurting Marinette. “But look at it this way – Ladybug calmly asked her to stop lying. I calmly asked her to stop lying. She gets akumatized no matter what. I think exposing her would just get us more trouble. We should stand up for ourselves, of course, but let the others realize for themselves that she’s a liar. Or at least wait until Hawkmoth is defeated before you expose her. Then she won’t get any superpowers out of it.”

At some point after that Mari says smth that LB said and he realizes who she is but that’s up to the writer to decide because then Damian Wayne enters the scene!

So Mari knows who HM is but she doesn’t know where to begin with that information so she asks Tikki for help. Tikki says one of her previous LBs are still alive and Mari contacts Hippolyta with magic

Hippolyta contacts Wonder Woman and WW realizes this may be better suited to someone who knows humans better so she passes the message along to Bruce

Bruce sighs and rubs his temple. He decides to send Damian

BTW time is actually passing through these episodes so everyone is about a month-ish apart so Mari is 15 almost 16 and Adrien is 16 now

Bruce sends Damian to help them with the final takedown of HM and Mayura

Now, some funny convos with BFF Adrienette

oooOOOooo

Alya: Marinette is being such a jerk to Lila!

Adrien: Huh. Marinette is almost never a jerk unless it's someone like Chloe.

Alya: W-Well she clearly changed!

Adrien: If you say so. I'm assuming you saw this yourself?

Later

Adrien: UGH! Alya has like become Lila's most loyal follower I swear, this is so annoying

Marinette, patting his back: you're being a brave soldier, facing that every day

Adrien: I just wish she'd stop putting her hands on me. I'm literally wearing the aromantic and asexual flags! I'm not interested!

Marinette; I think Kim noticed. He was looking at the situation and went to talk to Miss Bustier.

Adrien: Oh thank the kwami. Enough about me though. Tell me about this cutie from Gotham you like?

oooOOOooo

Adrien: UGHH I have to take Lila to this gala AGAIN!!

Marinette; I'm going too, Damian invited me.

Adrien: THANK THE KWAMI I'll ditch Lila as soon as possible. Your boyfriend is fully willing to roast without his dad disowning him, right?

Marinette: one, we aren't dating yet, and two, yes

Adrien: YES!! Also, Mari don't kid you two will date soon I know these things

oooOOOooo

Adrien's love advice is almost always, "just tell him you love him," because he doesn't understand how nerve-wracking it is. Or he steals a confession scene idea from an anime or fanfic, depends on the situation

Marinette: How should I confess to Damian??

Adrien: Just do it?? Walk right up to him and say you love him. Easy peasy!

Marinette: you do not understand how much I Can Not do that

Adrien: ... alright, plan B is you start working at a coffee shop-

[wolffnichols]

Yo, you good after that spn finale or...? Cause like, that shit was wack.

(fair warning this absolutely became SUPER long so buckle up my dudes here’s a rant from someone who finally came back to this show after years (i kept up with it over the years and always wanted to go back but didn’t until the end) and is super pissed. also shout out to all of those who stuck through. y’all the real heroes. anyways, here we go)

THE ABSOLUTE WACKEST

so wacked that when it went to commercial break after Dean died I literally laughed. bc it was SO UPSURD. dean was literally like:

when Sam could’ve just called the ambulance? Like I get it, there’s decapitated bodies on the ground, they’d be suspicious. but like Sam could’ve quickly hid or burnt them as they waited for the ambulance while Dean still could’ve said his goodbye. and like, even if Dean didn’t want Sam to and just him die, he said that there was no time and that he was fading and yet they just? kept talking? and yes i cried bc jensen’s and jared’s acting were beautiful and all. but like? OF ALL OF THE WAYS DEAN HAD DIED IN THE PAST AND COULD’VE STILL IN THE FINALE?? THIS IS HOW HE DIES?? BY A RANDOM GOON FROM A RIDICLOUS MONSTER OF THE WEEK LET ALONE FINAL ‘VILLIAN’ WHO JUST LIKE...ACCIDENTALLY SHOVED HIM AGAINST A HOOK/POLE/WHATEVER THE HELL THAT STUPID THING WAS. LIKE DEAN FREAKING WINCHESTER?? i feel like they were trying to go with a ‘mundane’ ending bc this entire episode was them going back to like s1 without connecting to any plot and just them being two hunters again. (i’ll get to all of that in a sec) but like 1) going the mundane route is a terrible way for him to go unless it was executed extremely well which it was the opposite of. and 2) it was so incredibly anticlimactic and just an entire spit in the face of his character development.

and you know what? even if they still kept his death like that and pretty much else the same, I’d be okay with the ending if they changed just two things 1) brought freaking Cas (and Jack) back since he apparently helped jack create this perfect heaven for dean and everyone else, (i mean bobby literally said that this was the Heaven that he deserved. you cannot convince me that Cas didn’t explain all of this to Bobby and said those exact words that this was the Heaven that Dean deserves). And 2) at least brought the dead characters back when Dean was in Heaven. Instead Dean was like “I could see my dead parents but I’m just going to take a long drive in Baby whichcasmadeformebcheknowsmesowellandlovesmesomuchandwantsmetohavetheperfectheavenbutimnotgonnaackloweledgeanyofit and drive until Sam dies and then I’ll say hi to everyone I lost and been away from a lot longer than I’ve been away from Sam”. Like how beautiful would it have been if we saw Mary and John like we did in the 300th episode? And everyone else they had lost over the years? Like, I know that montage at the end of 15x19 was supposed to be the final ‘honor’ of all of the characters, but this is the finale. And as much as they kept on trying to say that this show was always just about Sam and Dean, it evolved into Sam and Dean and people they’ve cared about over the years. They were important too! Especially Cas. The show literally became Sam, Dean & Cas but he’s just gonna be mentioned twice...okay. Which brings me back to my 1st point. THEY SHOULD”VE BROUGHT CAS BACK IN HEAVEN. like we got a mention with Dean smiling and Bobby giving him a Knowing™ look but besides that, not only did we not see Cas I’m left with so many more questions. Like how did Cas help make Heaven with Jack? Did Jack bring Cas out of the Empty and just didn’t tell the brothers? Or is Cas still in the empty but helping Jack bc he’s just that damn good? But if he did bring Cas back, how did he help Jack create this new Heaven? Does he have god powers now too?? and yet when Bobby mentions this, Dean smiles (granted it was a cute smile bc to me it felt like a sorta ‘that’s my cas’ smile) not questioning the fact that the last he heard Cas was taken by the Empty to never return again and Dean wanted to honor his sacrifice by living (which don’t even get me started on that) and now he helped create Heaven with Jack. Dean doesn’t even look that much surprised. Which actually makes me think...did Dean know that Jack brought Cas back from the Empty this entire time but had to keep it from Sam bc... ✨reasons✨ and that was why he said that about missing them and having to honor their sacrifice and live, even though all of the other times Cas died he went batshit out of his mind? But not this time, bc Dean actually knew that Jack brought him back. omg was Cas the dog this entire time??? with Cas’ newfound powers did he just like morph into the dog so for some reason Sam couldn’t know bc...you know....✨reasons✨ okay i’m getting delirious here. let’s get back on track. my whole point is, Cas should’ve been there. and even if they wanted more of an ambiguous ending for destiel (which don’t even get me started on THAT) they could’ve at least still had Cas be there to also welcome Dean there along with everyone else. Like, as much as I love Bobby, how more beautiful and fitting wouldn’t it have been if Dean saw Cas there who explained everything there before Dean reunites with all of his loved ones? Cas deserved to be there (and Jack while we’re at it). HE FREAKING HELPED CREATE THIS NEW HEAVEN. He deserved to be there. like tbh I was desperately hoping that he’d at least appear in Baby when Dean started driving. BUT NOPE. 

but you know what, back to me wishing we got other important characters in Heaven, if we did I think it would’ve been better if both Sam and Dean died together and reunited with all of them together (which they prob will in canon since Dean ignored them until Sam came back akhsjshjshsjh). like would Eileen be there? which reminds me, speaking of Eileen, WHERE WAS EILEEN?? was she in Heaven this whole time like Bobby was? and who tf was Sam’s rando wife?? UGH. you know how i’d say i’d accept the finale if they just changed it to where Cas (and possibly Jack) was also there along with some of their dead loved ones? i’d prob still be (barely but it would 100% be better than this) but MAN this ENTIRE EP from the beginning was just WACK. like the beginning showing the ‘ordinary life’? i didn’t really mind it that much bc it seemed like that was the natural way to go. but for me personally, I was hoping and wishing that their journey was realizing that it’s not just them anymore and they both end up happy (maybe still hunting) but with their loved one by their sides (especially Cas and Eilleen). but you know, I’m used to not getting what I want and understand that what i want for a story isn’t necessarily the same as the storyteller’s/natural narrative progression. i may hate the the direction and think that it’s a load of crap, but whatever. but this? the entire narrative was OFF. like what even was the point of those weird mime-pires (who btw my sister couldn’t help but compare to clowns 👀.) and not to mention that random lady from like s1? it all felt off but I was hoping it was leading to something. only it lead to Dean’s wack-ass demise. also like, poor freaking Sam. he had to grow old, without his brother and any more family members by his side. which (someone eloquently pointed out) was what s1 Sam wanted but definitely not s15 Sam (not that s1/pre-series Sam wanted his family dead or anything he just wanted to live a normal life and start a family without his family) And we don’t even know who the hell his wife was and how the hell that happened. also, at least he mentioned missing Cas and Jack. but WHAT ABOUT EILEEN?? 

which brings me to one of my main problems with this whack ass finale (and there are PLENTY more I can talk about) their cohesive narrative between this ep and the rest of s15 and even longer, is just...not there? it’s like they forgot about everything they built just so they can go back to the basics of Sam and Dean. and like, I get it, they’re the heart and soul of the show. they’re supernatural. but like, it also grew more than that? like what was the point of them being parental figures to Jack? what was the point of their 12 season friendship/relationship with Cas? what was the point of all of their connections that they made on the way? and you know what? what was the point of this show lasting so damn long if both of Sam and Dean’s character developments just went ✨poof✨? like as someone who just recently came back to the show, I could just think that this was another early season episode but both of them looking older. (not saying that early seasons were bad. i LOVE early seasons but like as a storyteller and a viewer you want your characters to idk GROW and KEEP that growth). 

ANWAYS this became WAY TOO LONG and all over the place and everyone els e is saying all of this too, but I just needed to vent. basically, i’m not doing good from that wack ass finale my friend. sam and dean both deserved to grow old. and Cas deserved to come back (like the show became sam, dean, AND cas, for YEARS like don’t even get me started on THAT bc i could go on and on about how they did him/lgbtq+ community/his fans so dirty) and destiel deserved to be canon dammit (like what was the point of his love confession if they weren’t ever going to mention it? they could’ve still had cas die without that. but since they did it needed WAAAY better resolution dammit) and the finale deserved to have a better freaking cohesive narrative. 

Again, so sorry this became such a long ass rant. But I guess I needed to rant. Also, please no one send me hate for this. These are just my thoughts that I needed to get out. Anyways, how are you doing this this whack finale, Nonnie?? And thank you so much for the question!

[sadhaa]

another THOUGHT

Cause istg i am on a role rn. If anyone has the time and writing ability to write these ideas GO DO IT. I enable you. 

OK THOUGHT: The Dark Tower - The Hollow Queen and With All My Heart storylines but change it up a bit. The Dark Tower, The Hollow Queen The Hollow Warlock and With All My Heart

Like what if instead of Gwen, Merlin got kidnapped?

Note: I do realize after my last post that I am making some eps more Merlin-centric and that’s bc i feel like if this happened we would get more character development. just a thought. 

Note again: you can interpret this as platonic or romantic i dont really care but bc im a big rom merthur shipper, im taking this in the romantic interpretation

Note again again: can people comment like if they like ideas like this cause im down to have more thoughts. like this is fun. i feel great. 

Ok as always background:

1. Gwen is Queen, Camelot needs a queen so she is queen, but she is not married to Arthur, she is married to Lance (they did him so dirty in the show)

2. Arthur has feelings but he doesn’t really know that he has feelings. like he gets a fluttery feeling whenever Merlin smiles but just chalks it up to heart burn. 

3. Morgana knows who Emrys is. Cause if she is the High Priestess, im gonna assume she knows about the crystal cave and asked it “crytal crystal in the ground, who the hell is emrys?” and it just showed a pic of merlin and she was like “aww hell nah”

ok on to thought-->

So Morgana finds out about Merlin and his magic and is pissed. She plots to torture him for the pain he has caused her. she also remembered what Agravaine (ew) told her when he was helping her, that Arthur had the knights comb the forests in search of Merlin, ultimately going himself to save Merlin. also if she can get Emrys to her side, then maybe all of the magic population would side with her and help takeover Camelot. So she plans to kidnap him and take him to the dark tower.

so cue that scene with all the knights and Gwen but this time with Merlin too bc Gwen misses him and wants to chat like old times. 

BAM MORGANA 

now some of the knights get bitten and gwen gets knocked unconcious but Merlin tries to stand up to her, but she subdues him quick bc we need that for plot. 

the remaining knights go back to Arthur, commence angst bc oh no Merlin. 

Arthur remembers the fear he felt the last time Merlin was kidnapped by the men but doesn’t know that Merlin was kidnapped by Morgana then too. Either way, he needs to get his bff/love back.

Merlin faces the same hallucinations but its everyone reacting badly when they find out about his magic

Leon - “YOU BETRAYED YOUR FRIENDS AND ARTHUR, HOW COULD YOU”

Gwaine - “YOU LIED TO ME WHEN I TOLD YOU ABOUT MYSELF, I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS” (not super strong ik, if someone has a better one...)

Elyan and Gwen - “MAGIC KILLED OUR FATHER AND NOW WE WILL GET OUR REVENGE”

Percival - “MAGIC (CENRED) KILLED MY FAMILY NOW I WILL KILL YOU”

Lancelot - “YOU LIED AND GOT ME BANISHED, YOU SAID YOU WOULD HELP ME MERLIN” 

and then Arthur’s would hurt the most “YOU LIED TO ME ALL THESE YEARS I TRUSTED YOU YOU KILLED MY FATHER YOU COULD HAVE SAVED MORGANA YOU ALMOST GOT GAIUS KILLED YOU MONSTER...”

the ��monster” part would kill him inside and is thus the breaking point for him where he falls into Morgana’s curse.

Now commence the rest of the episode Dark Tower, the same way except that the weird fairy actually helps the rescue party bc she believes that Merlin is good and that they all need him and Elyan doesn’t die bc my boi deserves better than that too. 

They get him back and he seems fine. But he really isnt

I dont have any real ideas for the Hollow Warlock its just a cool title I thought. The main pivotal part should be Merlin meeting with Morgana and monologuing about living in Camelot scared and saving Arthur and not being seen which makes the viewers see a side of Merlin that is not seen often. almost like a Dark!Merlin AU. 

Ok, now to With All My Heart. All the knights, Arthur and Gwen notice Merlin acting odd. So they follow him and notice him consorting with Morgana. Arthur is crushed bc the one person, his other half, who he knew would never betray him has now gone and done this. When they speak with Gaius and he tells them that Merlin has fallen to Morgana’s will, then they all are relieved bc that means that Merlin doesn’t actually want to betray Arthur. Arthur is now more determined than ever to get him back. So cue funny scene with a dinner with knights, arthur, gwen and gaius. even mordred.

BAM merlin unconscious and ready to be saved!

Now adventure! Quest! Drama! Angst! 

On a night where they have to stop to rest and merlin is still conked out, they swap stories of M’s heroic deeds and funny moments. they plan to tell him all of this when he wakes up cause that boy doesn’t get enough praise.

Now they are at the fancy lake (im a little lazy to figure out the name) the only downside to my idea is that there can’t be a Dolma. or maybe there is a Dolma! that isnt merlin in disguise. 

Merlin wakes up and like how Gwen went on a mad tirade for a sec, he goes on for a whole 10 mins and inadvertently reveals his magic. He vents it all out in an anger infused rant and talks about how he wants to be loved and seen and is crying as well as shouting. Everyone is horrified and Arthur feels guilty and betrayed. Percival knocks him out so that they can talk about this. They spend the night there and decide to wait til the morning to decide to help M or not (basically they all would save M they jus dont know if A would save him or not [even though they all know he would]).

Arthur sleeps and ,through Kilgarrah’s (is that how you spell it?) creepy ass voodoo magic, sees a life without Merlin in it. He wakes up with a shout and realizes. That. was. a Nightmare. a life without Merlin was literally a nightmare. He thinks back to the rant and knows that even though Merlin was scared and did things selflessly, he meant no harm to camelot and did it all out of Love. Bc he loved Arthur. Arthur then has an epiphany and realizes his “heart burn” is emotions. yike. And with that Arthur decides to help M. 

They get him to the lake and its basically a repeat of the day before with the screaming and shouting. But this time, Morgana’s men have arrived. With Morgana. cause drama.

Now the knights and gwen grab their swords and make a wall while M and A stay behind. Arthur tries to get through to Merlin and says “I am sorry with all my heart” and Merlin hesitates. 

Then a few of the evil dudes get through the wall and advance towards Arthur and Merlin. Arthur steps forward to fight and Merlin watches and realizes that Arthur would fight for him, would die for him just as Merlin had vowed to do. this man was worth it and that he knew that with all his heart. 

Merlin walks into the lake, glows a little and walks out normal. he like slow walks past the wall and uses his magic in a super badass way and just scares Morgana bc of how powerful she is. she yeets herself out of there and everyone hugs merlin and they tell him how much they all love him. Arthur in particular just kisses him right there and then, all adrenaline and happiness.  

On the way home, he tells the stories of all the times he used magic. they realize that even though he was under Morgana’s will, this is still what he felt, the fear, the anxiety, the pain. Arthur goes back and repeals the ban and makes Merlin his consort. prob some nice angst with requited love. 

the end.

someone write this pls. i have these thoughts at 11:23 pm and dont have the motivation to actually write something like this. 

[whitmore]

Ok hang on. Everyones going crazy with this move. Any changes will probs be negligible. CW doesnt have some team of writers with quotas to fulfill. Every show has their own production and team behind it. Obvi some exec crossover with the arrowverse, but point stands that each show has made their own choices/mistakes/whatever anyones opinion of them is. Unless GJ leaves I dont see any major story style changes (any changes to staff writers is normal, they can come and go between seasons). 1/5

As far as budget/aesthetic goes it’s not like stargirl (or any other show) uses cameras/lights that are any different or more $$$ than “CW shows”. Everyone rents the same type of expensive ass cameras (arri alexas, red 1s, etc etc). It’s how they’re used by the DOPs and directors—a specific “look” that’s designed and agreed upon—and then how they’re cut in post. Those ppl are not going anywhere (and tbh there are already some that have worked on stargirl that also worked on cw shows before). 2/5

Costumes! Are already made so there should be no worry about that (and imo there have been better “cw” costumes than wildcats cheekbone mask and beths potato sack for example—stargirl and hourmans are great tho). Location/sets is also a funny one bc first of all sg shoots in ATL. A very tax friendly place to film and where a few other cw shows already film as well. And I’m pretty sure stargirl has even reused some old sets from when vampire diaries filmed there (not 100% on that tidbit tho). 3/5

The only thing I see being affected are CGI and possibly cast. And cgi is more of a time issue than just budget. Other CW shows have had super tight shooting to air schedules which gives post less time to work. Plus if theres more episodes, also less time (but there are cw shows with ~15 eps so I don’t see that changing either!). Cast would be the two big names in Courts parents. But even then I think itll be ok. We arent privy to those negotiations but looking at supergirl for example. 4/5

it wasnt just money (tho im sure it was a contributing factor), but also location. LA to VAN is huge, pretty sure flockhart didnt wanna move her whole family. Anyways im so sorry for this rant but ive seen all this negativity and tons of misinformation floating around all over the internet and it just kills me. We all need to take a breath. s2 is great news! I get if ppl have concerns/reservations, or even if theyre done and wanna jump ship. But in all likelihood, everything will be fine. 5/5

if u wanted a place to talk abt this u probably shouldn’t have came to me, eleanor cosmicstaff, who LITERALLY has a tag for hating the cw but like. yeah maybe it will be but it probably won’t we LITERALLY don’t fucking know. “we all need to take a breath” bro i made an ENTIRE post about me being positive please don’t come here thinking i’m being entirely negative about this because i am very vocally NOT !!!! i know u need a place to vent anon and that’s fine but like. a lot of the changes u mention are NOT okay with me (changing luke & amy, the cgi (which isn’t a TIME ISSUE it’s literally budget bc the time accounts for the amount of hours people get PAID FOR), the costumes which i think are GREAT there was SO much effort put into them down to the STITCHING details joel has said they cost SO much money, also stargirl uses SO much more expensive lighting & cinematography than any cw show, idk where ur getting this information but johns has STATED they use expensive shit. it SHOWS u can see it in the quality of stargirl) like. man i have been really stuck responding to this because i want to remain positive i do but u can’t come in here and like spread YOUR misinformation and expect me to like,, post it and agree and let it slide??? idk anon. y’all have ur own blogs and i don’t want to be used a springboard for people to get their opinions out there u feel? and i respect ur opinion and all and if u think it’s all going to be fine then sure, think it, but critically evaluating the seasons past of shows on the cw or that have moved to the cw, this doesn’t bode well for stargirl at all?? i’m literally just looking at like the evidence and show quality decline,,, it’s facts

please please please look critically at cw works and how the cw mistreats source material and uses shows as cash grabs. stargirl was created for dcu exclusive, not for wider viewing, and it SHOWS. stargirl wasn’t meant to be tied to some wider cw diet coke dc universe. and the changes that will come WILL impact the show and i’m not expecting them to be good changes.

[frankensteindotpdf]

TGWDLM and Love

Okayyyy so I was supposed to write an assignment on how a romantic movie expresses love and I asked my prof if I could write about tgwdlm instead and he said yes?? Bless him so anyway I made wayyyy too many notes for a 500-600 word assignment lmao so I felt like i might as well post em here… this is a compilation of every time Paul and Emma interact pretty much lol its hella long (im not kidding it’s like 7 pages rip) so under the cut :) 

finally done, @isaidsinggoddammit!!

Sidenote: There’s very mixed capitalization as my brain flipped between tumblr mode and assignment mode so excuse that lmao)

Coffee Shop Part 1

Tips well to impress her

Listens to her vent-she already feels comfy enough to rant to him or, alternatively, she’s just a really open person (but shhh she has to trust him to some extent)

Insults others he doesnt know too well but he knows she doesnt like, again to impress

Tries to act indifferent towards everyone else (and tough)

Almost says smth romantic (“Some things are worth it”) but backtracks when she looks confused

In this scene, he tries to act cool but is clearly super nervous. One thing I really like is how he never acts too cool for her, like a lotta people do. He’s genuinely interested in what she has to say and never pretends otherwise, and also never pretends to be interested to get her to like him. I just really love how good he is at listening

Cup of Roasted Coffee/ Cup of Poisoned Coffee

When he panics he goes to Beanies to get a coffee and relax (wake up)

He turns to Emma (subconsciously?) for comfort

Freaks out when she sings (for good reason)

Emma remembers him (“Paul, right?... You’re the guy who doesn’t like musicals”)

Doesnt seem to notice how weird he’s acting

Continues to vent

He pulls her away from the counter to explain what’s going on

Paul finds it important to tell her-she’s the first person he admits it to

Him venting to her like she does to him? Trying to connect in a similar way? Im reading too much into that

He holds her there while explaining, she has to find an excuse to pull away

She thinks he’s crazy-keeps glancing at him during the song (he looks terrified)

Seems concerned for him

He switches between nervously staring at her and anxiously staring into the void (mood)

She turns to him at the “end” of the song and comes near him in the middle

She runs to paul when they start singing

They grab each other

He tells her to run, pushes her forward and shifts so he’s between her and the aliens

This scene is reeeally creepy from Emma’s perspective like oh my gosh can you imagine a man yelling at you (not at you but at your singing but still) and pulling you away from your work and then holding you still when you try to leave??? Anxiety to the max poor babe but also i get paul’s side can you imagine seeing the whole apocalypse beginning and it’s so weird no one would believe you if you tried to tell them? Poor bb. There’s also a lot of things that come up later: the ways he holds emma in this scene is the same way he holds her later one, later it’s to comfort her but  this time it’s more to calm himself… he also pulls her to a better spot like he does later on

Trash Bin Scene

He leads her away-he knows the neighbourhood better

Tries learning about her (you like film?) (cmon paul bad timing)

(at trash) hold hands, she grabs his shirt while panicking

He holds her firmly by the shoulders to calm & comfort (parallels Cuppa)

Emma instinctively grabs Paul’s arm when Bill pops out

“Emma stays with us”-stands up to ted even though he looks pretty scared of him

(sidenote-what did ted do to Paul? The poor boy looks straight up terrified the first time he shows up)

Emma looks real confused about “latte hottay” but she never brings it up

“Paul!” when he runs to Charlotte-gestures at Paul near end of song

Paul tends to comfort people by grabbing their shoulders/putting a hand on their back (Emma of course but also Charlotte and Bill- has a looser hold on them than Emma)

Here they’re already starting to react to danger by reaching for each other and it’s v cute also bless paul i just really like how he calms people down he’s so good and pure

Hidgens’ Fortress Part 1

They trust Emma enough to go to Hidgens’ place (not like they had many other options)

Men™ typically trusted for “strong” stuff-Ted and Bill cuff Sam

Paul stands up for Bill-such a protective boy (could also be doing it to look cool for Emma but tbh it doesnt seem like it ill bring this up again later)

Paul listens intently to Emma’s venting

He smiles, nods, asks qs and repeats phrases she says

Its obvious he genuinely cares

Emma’s v comfy with him-they have an easy chem when Paul relaxes

Emma progressively shares deeper shit as she becomes more comfortable around paul

Paul makes jokes to lighten the mood, but not in a disrespectful way

Seems more nervous when bringing topics to himself

She listens just as politely as he does

“Whoa thats like your origin story...so I guess I’m the supervillain” “I dont think of you like that at all, Emma.” Cutest, Softest smiles on both of them my heART “Listen, Paul”-she was about to confess her love dammit charlotte

I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: Paul is such a good listener. I dont know why i find this so cute but their convos are so perfect like he asks qs so he knows exactly what she’s talking about (“what’s a coatimundi?” “Oh, did she smoke a lot of pot?”) and he repeats back phrases she says which shows that he’s genuinely listening like...so many characters (and people irl, lets be real)  just pretend to listen to get what they want but he cares so much about what she has to say i just cant stop talking about it it’s so cute also how he seems so comfortable when she’s talking and then starts showing sign of nervousness again when the convo turns to him? Pure mood

Join Us And Die

Both jump behind chair when Charlotte and Sam show up

Emma clings to Paul’s arm + hides behind him

She steps out “charlotte?”

Paul pulls her back when sam approaches

Paul puts himself between Emma and Sam

Emma puts her back to Paul and grabs his arm

Paul pulls Emma away by her arm (“What’s wrong with her shirt?”)

Emma’s caught up in the gore, Paul is relatively level-headed

He keeps an arm around her

Emma steps away from paul to yell at Sam +Char (“He has a daughter!!”)

Instinctively reaches for Paul  when Char gets shot (and later looks back at paul a couple of times when shook at prof hidgens)

Alright they do this whenever aliens show up so imma just talk about it here: this part was in my assignment so 1 lets hope it doesnt get flagged as plagiarism and 2 i could rant about this all day.

Basically Paul fulfills the traditional masculine role as protector and leader. Whenever smth dangerous shows up, he has one hand on her (on her shoulder, arm or the small of her back)-both reassuring them that someone else is there and making it easier for him to move her-which he does lots. He pulls her behind him or pushes her forward (away from the infected), leading her to where he thinks is safest. He always puts himself between her and the aliens, leading her to a safer spot. Emma tends to get distracted (emotional female stereotype) and paul is the one to move them both to safety (strong stoic man stereotype). To be fair, he is a lot bigger than emma and would probs have an easier time in a fight (tho i dont doubt that emma would be v i c i o u s) Emma tend to cling to Paul’s arm when she gets scared (which is really cute)

Hidgens’ Fortress Part 2

Emma adds to Paul’s plan- taps on his arm to move him

Paul steps back in front of her- i always found this weird, he totally blocks her from the conversation like why

She steps back out to roast ted

Paul looks at Emma when Ted @s him-now here’s where I could see him standing up for Bill to impress emma again. It’s not the only reason, but i do think it’s a contributing factor (and probably was before too cuz lets be real, when your crush is around you gotta act tough) of course he wants to protect his bff but he’s super anxious around ted so wanting to look brave for emma gives him that extra push he needs. Alternatively, he looks at Emma as a way to calm himself down before saying smth scary (which is adorable)

Emma wants to help but is called back to help with the lab

This is another thing i find super interesting-wouldnt more people around make it more likely he gets stopped? Did he want an audience (more than just ted) cuz i guess that’s understandable but in that case why didnt he wait a little longer to see if they came back? Idk it just seemed weird to me (also the whole “nooo female cant go out where it’s dangerous” even though it’s more like “oh emma’s the only one i know here can she not leave” wait actually that’s probably it lmao he just didnt wanna be alone with ted ok relatable nvm )

“Hey, Paul?” grabs arms (paul reciprocates) she’s real nervous for him leaving-relates to how much he hates musicals

I find that really cute cuz it’s showing once again how much they listen to each other and idk i just really like that about them

Grabs his face and pulls him close-he pulls her hands down to look her in the eyes to tell her he’ll stay safe

He doesn’t kiss her-super interesting! She pulled him close like that (which coulda been a sign to kiss her) and this was a pretty emotionally charged moment which a kiss would have fit - Paul hates kisses hc?

Not Your Seed + General (technically, just a little note)

Paul holds Emma tight with 2 hands, but keeps 1 hand free when holding others (ie bill and charlotte)

Only tells General about Emma, not Ted or the Prof (tho to be fair, he hates ted and barely knows the prof but it’s interesting how he doesnt even say he has “friends”, just Emma)

America Is Great Again

Paul saves emma and Ted

“Should I take this chair?” asks paul to lead

Emma holds Paul’s arm when they run

She tries to pry “Greg”’s arm off Paul + tries to get Ted to help-not strong enough

“Thank you Emma”-she freed him/killed Greg? I wanna know what happened (i tweeted @ jon, lauren and nick asking, so far jon just liked it we’ll see if anyone answers)

Runs behind Emma + pushes her forward “run, emma, run!”-Emma grabs for Paul, he steps in front

He pulls her through Robert+Corey and turns her around

She pulls him away from the General-paul usually does the pulling to safety

Paul doesnt notice when Emma is grabbed by Ted (lmao i get that he’s a little busy but it still seems odd)

She struggles with 1, 3 are on Paul (not a sexist thing, she’s tiny and also Paul is the main character and the aliens know it plus they gotta do that cool lift thing)

Emma grabs gun + shoots the General, grabbing Paul-”Paul! The helicopter! Cmon!”

Usually Paul does that stuff, but emma takes the protective role more in the 2nd half of this song

Basically we have the classic paul protecting emma stuff but now also the emma protecting paul which is good and fresh and i love...the way she tries to protect paul is different than how he protects her. She yells more frantically, and also is more of trying to lead him whereas paul yells to get her attention and physically moves her himself

Helicopter Scene

He helps her onto the heli, back to his usual protective self

Keeps one hand on the back of her seat the whole time (aww he’s stabilizing himself physically cuz the copter’s shaky and emotionally cuz he’s closer to Emma)

“Emma, seatbelts” he reaches up to help her into her seat-he kicks the gun to save them

“Emma? Emma?” immediate response is to call out to her-that boy was literally awake less than a second before worrying about her i love him

Runs to her when he sees her

“”This is what seatbelts are for” in this scene he seems really like...over it? Idk if anyone else got that he just seemed really intent on destroying the meteor instead of anything to do with Emma… before saving their lives was priority but also spending time with her, here he nods like he’s trying to rush her and does not seem excited to kiss her (again, Paul hates kisses? ok that was a rant that got ahead of my notes but just-) this scene is weird to me like maybe he’s trying to rush to stop the meteor so they can be together after and like not die idk anymore

He reaches out for her, jumping away when she cries out in pain

The rest of the scene he has his hands hovering a few inches away from her, very protective but also very scared of hurting her

Emma comes up with the solution, Paul has to do it cuz she’s hurt (weak gal, strong man, injured person knows secret to survival and tells strong boi how to do it tropes)

“Hey, Paul?” slides over to him-he gingerly supports her back (scared to hurt her)

He shushes her to calm her while talking cuz she’s in pain- ok, maybe its less about “gotta get out of here” and more about “she’s hurt really badly and needs help asap, i gotta destroy that meteor so i can get help” ok that makes sense im dumb lmao

Emma is first to ask out + kiss me? + pulling him in by his tie- breakin stereotype of man making first move

Then the little “..okay..” after she asks him to kiss her...maybe he wanted it to be romantic aww he wanted them to have a real cute first kiss and this wasnt what he had planned (or he just doesn’t like kisses cuz like he looks so uncomfortable there’s gotta be a reason”

He doesnt wanna kiss her cuz of the blood (weak) and is happy to leave-this part is what throws me off most he just like runs on outta there with no hesitation but he loves her?? I dont get it

Dont really need a rant here cuz i did a lotta ranting in the points… excuse my little journey of discovery there lmao I was just confused at first cuz at face value he seems really different, super hell bent on getting out of there whereas in every other scene he pays way more attention to Emma. I suppose it’s because he knows he has to destroy the meteor asap so he can get her help, i just didnt catch that. His motivations seemed very different in this scene to me and i couldnt figure out why

Theory time

Now here’s the fun part-i saw a theory somewhere that Paul can only get infected because he has a true goal now, he really wants to end up with Emma. In What Do You Want, Paul? Mr. Davidson is trying to find out what he wants to use it as motivation to make him more susceptible to the virus/make him sing a song, but since Paul doesn’t want anything clearcut he cant be infected. Now, since Paul wants Emma, he has a goal and smth to fight for but also smth to sing about. The very reason he’ trying to save the world becomes the reason he fails.

HOWEVER. His goal could just as easily be saving the world cuz he literally doesnt bring emma up once? Like i get he’s preoccupied but idk if he’s about to die i feel like he’d at least mention her (unless he’s hoping they think she died and wont go looking for her if he fails) idk their romance is adorable until the scene before this and then these 2 scenes make it feel really off for me

Okay now onto the most fun scene >:) -since there’s so many details i separated them into actions and lyrics

Inevitable (Actions)

“Are you sure there weren’t any other survivors?” :(

“PEIP would like to see it become smth more” because she’s the love interest and they’re supposed to end up together ahhh it’s the alien talking

She grabs his arms to look him in the eyes then pulls him in for a hug (the cutest)

She’s v reluctant to believe it at first “Paul?” She’s still smiling for the first line

Slowly she starts to let herself see what’s happening “Paul, you’re scaring me”

She knows he’s infected but she’s trying her hardest to believe he could be playing a cruel joke

He has power over her physically- holds her where he wants her while they’re dancing

He dances with her at first, gestures to her to move closer, talks to her, moves towards dancing at her instead of with

He blocks her exit, pulls her to where he wants her and ignores her for part

This is where you can really tell he’s different. Paul would never ignore Emma, and he straight up ignores her to sing and dance

He points at her and then goes back to ignoring her

Emma starts sobbing and really trying to run

Emma is dragged to the center of the stage sobbing because she cant do anything

He drops character in credits, waving and smiling to the audience; she doesnt

He’s got physical power over her (strength) but also cuz he’s backed by all the aliens who can move her where she’s supposed to go

Inevitable (lyrics)

“Emma, I’m sorry, you lost.” couldnt kill aliens

“Lost your way” didnt want to join them

“I made it” ‘This is the life that I chose” “I’m still the man you trust” “what if the only choice is you had to sing to survive” “Put words to the lyrics and you’re playing the game now” -maybe he’s faking it (i also heard someone mention the fact that he sings in his natural voice and not the higher one he used for the Alien Brain in Let It Out which is a good catch) (also someone else brought up the fact that he was mostly singing reprises, maybe because he couldnt think up his own tune/entirely original lyrics?)

“It’s inevitable for us”-because she’s the love interest, it’s was inevitable that they’d wind up together

“Show me those jazz hands” He’s trying to convince her to join of her own free will

“or i might be inclined to plant my seed” but is willing to do it by force if she wont

This song is super interesting because of the parallels-he holds her the same way he did in previous songs, pulls and pushes her across the stage like before, but this time it’s turned against her. What was once meant as protection is now being used to force her to join the dance I talked more about this in my assignment but i dont wanna get too close to what i wrote before because it could get flagged for plagiarism and i do not want that so imma reblog this post alter and add my assignment for more info (if yall want anyway)

The lyrics could hint at Paul faking it, and it definitely appears that way (especially with the face he makes at “Im still the man you trust) but i think the part in the middle where he just kind of breaks off to dance really kills that idea for me. Even if he was trying to trick the aliens, he could have kept closer to Emma like he does every other time they’re in danger, and the fact that he straight up ignores her and lets the aliens move her around like that is just not in his character so apologies but i believe our man is gone

Also, regarding the theories that Emma is infected because of the beginning; I could see that happening, but in that case, why didnt she break character at the end? I have absolutely zero idea how/if the intro song fits into the story but idk i feel like she should’ve acted like the rest of them if she really was infected but on the other hand i really like the heartbreaking theory that they’re all infected and Paul just has to keep reliving the story of how he failed again and again for all eternity like ouch? But also? Its great in a painful way??

Um yeah so that’s that for my ranting (my 3 pages of notes became 7 pages with the rants included so sorry about that i just had so much to sayyyy

TLDR: paul and emma are cute thanks for coming to my ted talk

[areyousanta]

Ignore this, just venting...

Just a quick rant, I’m not actually that upset, just need to vent and let some anger out. Turned out longer than I expected so it’s going in a read below.

So my parents called my brother at the end of December asking why he lied about passing all his classes since they looked at his grades and he failed every class. It took pressuring but my brother ended up telling them that he hadn’t planned on them finding out until after he killed himself. 

Obviously, when they heard this they came rushing up to where we live (about a 4 hour drive from where they live) to pick him up and take him home. Before they came up, they called me and told me what was going on and asked me to keep an eye on him until they got there. And I’m like uhh of course yeah I’ll look out for him?? (kinda was ticked that they thought I was so heartless to even feel the need to ask but whatev)

While we were waiting for them, I warned him about how my parents would try and make him talk and reminded him that he had no obligation to. We watched Mulan and Hercules while we waited because we love the movies and love to sing along.

Mind you, I’ve been dealing with (undiagnosed) depression and have had come very close to offing myself multiple times and had actually had a bad bout of it at the beginning of December and began cutting again, which I haven’t done in years. I shared this with him to show him I didn’t think he was seeking attention (because that’s def how my mom spun it the first time I asked for help) and that he could talk to me if he needed and that I’m here for him. It seemed to put him at ease and he was able to relax through the movies.

When my parents arrives, the air became so thick with this kind of awkwardness they had around them. Idk I guess they were just uncomfortable because they really didn’t know how to handle the situation. My brother excused himself to go to the bathroom and I got a very hard interrogation while he did so. They asked if I noticed anything off about him and I said now I hadn’t (which I feel terrible about btw).

My dad has always sort-of believed me when I said I had a problem, but my mom never really did. She always said it was my ‘period hormones’ and that I would ‘grow out of it’. This pissed me off for a few years after I initially asked for help but I got over it and just knew I wouldn’t be taken seriously. I feared the same would happen to him so I flat out told them they needed to get him help. Immediately. At first my mom kind of said ‘how do you know what he’s feeling, you don’t know’. At this I showed her the fresh scars on my forearm and again said I know how he feels. My took one look and then started crying into his hand. This shocked me because I had told my parents 3 different times (12yo, 19yo, 21yo) that I wanted to commit suicide and they never really had a reaction or outright cared.  

Then my dad looked at me and asked how I was doing, and I knew it was geared towards my mental state (after all that idk why the question was necessary but whatev). I looked at him and said not that great right now but that’s not important, my bro is more important right now. So in the morning they left, and I’m not gonna lie, I felt super alone and hurt how they didn’t stick around to see if I was okay. But, as I have done for the majority of my life, I had a few really bad days and slept for close to a week straight and got over it (i.e. shoved it far into the back of my head)

Fast forward to now: bro went into therapy, got medication, and is slowly getting better. He is actually here visiting me for spring break and visiting some band buddies from his old job. My mom tells me before he comes that I’m not allowed to ask him to drive anywhere or even mention the idea of driving because that is apparently his trigger (he was in a car accident on the job so understandable). Now this kinda pissed me off because my parents are acknowledging what upsets him and actively trying to help him stay away from it. Sounds like a good things but they have not once done it for me.

My family emotionally abused me my whole life, telling me I was too fat (even though I was like 10 and was an athlete all year round for the first 18 years of my life) saying I wasn’t smart enough (A, B student is apparently not smart enough), and that anything I like is dumb and weak (hid my love for anime and drawing because of their side comments about seeing me watch one Naruto episode out in the open). We also frequently went hiking/trail running to stay fit, my bro sis and I were 6 9 & 12 respectively. I wasn’t the fastest runner because I wasn’t the tiniest kid. Looking back at old photos I was no where near fat, but a bit chubby. My mother practically forced me to run on these trails while yelling at me and while I was in pain for a genetic toenail problem that runs in the family (ew I know). I cried everyday on those trails. Now, going on trails I start to have panic attacks and me, a 22/23 year old person, have to hold back sobbing tears. Yet I’m still guilted to go hiking/trail running anytime they all want to. 

I’m just pissed that I have been asking for help for 10+ years now and no one had done anything. But my bro asks for help once and they come running to the rescue. Idk I’m salty and prob a whiny baby but this is the reason I’ve been so distant on here lately. I want to art but it doesn’t really make me feel as happy as it used to right now. 

[teddy-feathers]

Me: having a fucking break down.

Ranting about issues that matter to me. Making mopey fucking comments.

I realize it happens frequently. I realize there's no help to be had. I realize i just have to muster up and do it... Or find an alternative solution.

But it makes it all the more noticable when she doesn't... Seem to notice. Or say anything. Or focuses on the wrong thing. Or how can you like every fucking post but miss the important ones. Or not worry on the times I'm radio silent.

Maybe raido silence from me is the expectation anymore. I dont know.

I dont think I've really paid attention the last several phone conversations we've managed just because I'm getting to the point I only have enough spoons to deal with so much emotional bag and I realize Ive already checked more than my fair amount but Im also dealing with my mom and my dad and work and having to fight off anxiety attacks before after and INSTEAD of social activities.

And i have other people who are going through a rough patch. And the shit with the car. Hell 99% of my recharge/ coping is just staring at Tumblr mindlessly. Cant even read or play video games without guilt or I just end up staring aimlessly at tumblr because tumblr wont make me feel things Im trying to not feel.

But... Nada you know?

No worried messages. Maybe an I love you but its more of "im lonely and i miss you pay attention to me" than "im worried about you"

I dont... Talk really. Or rant or vent or... Share. I'll make a couple of comments but really its just. Listening. Trying to maybe comment and being happy at least shes rambling about things shes enjoying and that things are going well.

And when there is a problem... I try to refocus. Dont panic, worry about what you can do. Youll get through this you have options and viable plans if you follow through. Distract until youve processed and calm - watch a funny thing. Or watch a sad thing so youll feel better after crying cause happy ending. Eat. Drink. Fluids. Rest. Itll turn out okay one way or another.

Then redirect convo to happier topics until she sounds a bit happier.

Her: sometimes i dont want solutions i just want to cry and have you tell me everythings going to be okay.

I just. I cant do that. What lie to you? What allow you to sit there and break down and do NOTHING to attempt to help? I cant even let people bitch without trying to "help" or "fix" things or at least explain something. And most of the time I'm barely okay emotionally I CANT handle other people breaking down and HELPLESS because EVERYTHING is terrible and there is no way out. I HAVE to try and find a way out. Usually with far too many words.

More to the point... Dating me has always been this huge thing. Like it matters to her. Because "I'm all she wants" ? But. I'm really not and I could list all sorts of things she wants and needs that I just. Dont. Do. Wont do.

It matters to her and it doesnt to me and we are best friends so what does it matter?

Only while it has fixed some problems because she's happy with that... I swear its just an idea, a possession of having me forever maybe? Idk. And of being in a relationship...

Long term it just isnt sustainable because of things like this.

She wants me to be jelly but she could date like a hundred people or sleep with them rn and I wouldnt care if she was happy healthy and they treated her right.

But... I feel like... I'm alway breaking down or having shit go wrong and she's never there, never notices, never says anything aside from... Irrelevant comments and I notice and feel that and try to give the benifit of the doubt because hell its not like we get a chance to bs very often and that is mostly my fault.

But she calls and I just. Cant. Sometimes. Or its all surface bs. Or it is cool stuff but I just... I'm glad shes happy.

Or she calls and I just cant but she sounds upset so i swallow it and try and then I get this bs.

Or I say hey i dont want to talk about xzy

Okay but one last thing -

Or hey i HAVE to go now

Awwwww okay but - keeps talking

Or its always some smarter last word feeling thing with her. She doesn't mean to but she treats people like theyre stupid.

Or how she got into a huge fight with my family on facebook amd neither side respected the fact I dont do face book and Im not getting in fucking volved just leave me out of it...

But she cant unfriend my fam cause that's "weird" even though it'd STOP shit like this from happening but yeah not apologizing to my aunt for some series fuck up on her part is okay.

I just. For the longest time I hated the idea of dating. Hated relationships because of all the bullshit and honestly I was never going to let anyone treat me the way dad and mom treat each other.

Then... I tried it. And it was terrifying amd fun but in retrospect I just like having friends. And dating amd friend stuff for me just. I do the same things. And sex I just dont want to have anything to do with me personally but Ive tried dating and sex and I'm back to the high school me standard of why bother?

And its honestly such a farce. I want my best friend happy. I am a people pleaser. I say nice things and mean them but... I say things and they make her sad whenever I bring them up like how I'm prob deff aro ace...

She wants to be special to me. An exception. Shes my best friend but ive told her so many times I dont love her the way she loves me, and that its not ENOUGH and shes just like "no its enough" while asking for more whether she realizes it or not.

I'm bad at relationships in general but Ive always been tired of my friendship not being enough for people. For me wanting to grow that bond is everything but I can't keep friends because I'm me and even my best friend is only my best friend because THIS is what she wanted and I gave it to her and somehow I'm still fucking this up.

[spikycharlotte]

:0 all of them

y’all better strap in

four jews in a room bitching / what’s your favorite stereotype for your religion?

haha i don’t really identify with one in particular? so i’m not sure.

a tight-knit family / who do you consider family?

i for sure believe “blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” while i do have family members whom i do love and am proud to call family, i don’t think the question is calling for that.

my best friends are like family to me, and i’d do anything for them. i also have a mentor/teacher, and he and his wife are like second parents to me.

love is blind / what makes a healthy relationship?

C O M M U N I C A T I O N ! ! ! you should NEVER be lying to your s/o!! and if your s/o does something you’re not comfortable with/makes you upset, TELL THEM! you shouldn’t be stewing, but also don’t enter the conversation angry and accusatory. and on the flip side, if your s/o comes to you with something you did, LISTEN TO THEM. apologize and explain yourself, even if it was just a misunderstanding! avoid becoming defensive. 

the thrill of first love / what’s something you’d kill for?

answered here!

marvin at the psychiatrist / do you ever feel like no one is listening to you when you talk?

i used to feel this way all the time, but i’ve recently become comfortable with saying, “excuse me, i was speaking” when i’m spoken over. also i find myself in lots of leadership positions in my day-to-day, so i’m pretty good at making myself heard.

my father’s a homo / could you/would you want to be president?

the idea (a loud, genderqueer, butch lesbian with the conscience to do the best for others) sounds great, but i’m not the person that fits that description to be president. i’m infj, so i’ve got the teacher personality, and that’s what i want to do!

everyone tells jason to see a psychiatrist / do people nag you consistently about something? if so, what?

this is such a #relatableteen answer but my room is a goddamn mess and my mom nags me on the daily to clean it (something i never do)

this had better come to a stop / what’s something people do that infuriates you?

i talked about this a little bit, but when people come to me with relationship issues and the issue could resolved so easily if instead of coming to me and telling me, they just went to their s/o. a problem cannot be resolved through outside sources.

i’m breaking down / what makes you crazy/pushes you over the edge?

answered here!

please come to our house / what was the last thing you did to help someone?

ummm to fit with the “therapy” theme of this the other night i helped a friend when she needed to vent about some crappy home things. 

jason’s therapy / what’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given?

i resent this question being with this song!!! i think mendel’s “feel alright” advice (while flawed) at its core is actually kind of pure and good! of course the way he gives it is bad (ignore your problems!)

but worst advice i’ve ever been given was i asked a friend towards the beginning of my last relationship if i should continue it and she said i should, and it ended much later and i was very unhappy throughout most of it. so that was pretty shitty. (i now have a very wonderful girlfriend who is currently having me answer all of these questions :-))

a marriage proposal / how would you want to be proposed to?

actually something very similar to how mendel does it! something private and lowkey, and just having someone word vomit their love for me sounds very cute and endearing.

however i always thought of myself as the one who would propose, so there’s that

a tight-knit family (reprise) / are you satisfied with what you have in life, or do you want more?

well as a student in high school it’s kind of hard to be satisfied, because there’s so much i want to do but i can’t as my student-ness prevents me from doing so.

but considering my place in life, i think i am quite happy!! i have a great gf, great friends, and i’m kind of excited for this school year!

trina’s song / what’s the worst interaction you’ve had with the opposite gender?

every interaction i’ve ever had with a male human being ever in my life. i could go on and on. but one that comes to mind is how one time a dude went on this huge rant during a teacher’s lecture about freud’s psychosexual theories about how homosexuality is an unnatural choice, all while continuing to glance at me to make sure he got his desired reaction

march of the falsettos / who’s the most immature person you know, and why?

um i know plenty, but the worst are some of my younger very intelligent female friends who are more focused on their boyfriends than their academics, which while i love and support them infuriate me to no end.

trina’s song (reprise) / have you ever settled for something better than you’d expected, but not as good as you’d hoped?

while this worked out for trina, as she soon would realize that mendel would be as good as she hoped, settling for less than you hope is never a good thing. 

i’ve always thought this, so i can’t really think of any examples

the chess game / what’s the most petty thing you’ve ever done?

perfect question for this song, op. 

i’ve done a lot of petty things in my life, bc i think everyone does. very recently though a girl was annoying the hell out of me trying to get me to tell her the answers for our summer hw and i gave her the entirely wrong answers.

making a home / how different are you in public than in private?

my personality is very much the same, but i’m obviously more in public. i don’t swear as much. and in private i talk to myself and sing loudly all the time which doesn’t make much sense to do in public

the games i play / do you ever wish you were doing more than you currently are?

constantly. i’m in high school so my options are grossly limited. i’m super excited to go to college and begin my teaching career. i just really want to help people!!

marvin hits trina / have you ever hated someone for being happy?

before i was in a better place like i am now, i really resented my best friend for getting a boyfriend for a while. but now i’m fine and very happy for the both of them.

i never wanted to love you / have you ever liked something you knew was bad? have you stopped?

um in middle school i liked sup/erwhol/ock despite the problematicness of them all (the other two more so than d/octor w/ho), if that’s what this means.

father to son / what is your relationship with your parents?

i love my mom a lot, she’s great. she had me in high school, and my bio dad split when he found out i existed, so i’ve never met him, but i also have no interest in doing so. i love my (step) dad a lot, but our relationship is kind of strained bc i don’t think he fully understands my being gay (even though he’s not rude or anything about it)

falsettoland/about time / do you use labels?

i actually quite like labels ? i like legitimizing my identity by finding out that other people feel the same way, and therefore have worked to put a name to it.

that’s also why i kind of like the femme/butch scale even though it was initially a joke, bc it acknowledges that not every lesbian is lipstick OR stone butch, and idk i kinda like it. but i do hate when nonlesbians ,,,,,, use it ,,,,,,, to describe lesbians,,,,, bc,,, it’s not for them…..

year of the child / when was the last time everything was about you?

idk prob my birthday parties… i don’t like being the perfect center of attention, i feel uncomfortable

miracle of judaism / what’s the last significant decision you had to make?

oh geez idk. i don’t make a lot of those… i can’t think of one right now.

the baseball game / do you play/like sports? which ones?

i do not like them really… i like badminton tho… that’s more of an activity and not a sport though

a day in falsettoland / what’s your daily routine like? 

during the summer, i wake up and fart around on the internet, unless i have somewhere to be. all the while texting maggie all day

everyone hates his parents / what was the last thing your parents did that pissed you off?

my mom is a really bad backseat driver. like swearing and anger is her brand of backseat driving. so it makes me super anxious and angry hearing someone constantly bitch while i’m trying to drive

what more can i say? / are you in love? have you ever been in love? what is it like? 

answered here! 

something bad is happening / do you get frustrated when you don’t know something?

yes i do. its a problem, especially as i’m on academic team

more racquetball / are you a sore loser/winner?

yes yes yes. mariokart comes to mind in particular. if i lose it was lagging or too many items were unfairly sent my way, or if i win everyone else sucks and i’m the best

holding to the ground / how do you react when things don’t go as planned?

i’m not the best. i’m a huge control freak, so when things don’t work out perfectly i freak out

days like this / are you an optimist, a pessimist, or a realist?

i think i’m like an.. optimistic realist? like i’m a realist, but with that i’m more likely to say “the worst case scenario is this, so at least that’s not happening”

canceling the bar mitzvah / how do you react under pressure?

i get stressed, but i also get my work done, so good and bad

unlikely lovers / do you have any friends who are extremely different from you?

yeah, a lot actually! i have one friend who listens to hard core rock stuff and has a bunch of piercings and has never listened to a musical in her life and i also have friends super into gymnastics and cheerleading and stuff. i love my friends!!

another miracle of judaism / if you could have anything right now, what would it be?

maggie, next to me

something bad is happening (reprise) / have you ever had to deliver some really bad news? how did it go? 

i had to explain to someone the oak/great comet drama, which was not fun. but i don’t think i’ve ever had to break super terrible bad news, especially not like what charlotte had to tell her best friend

you gotta die sometime / are you afraid of dying/death?

i don’t know…? the idea of nothingness is for sure daunting

jason’s bar mitzvah / what was the last big event you attended?

the other day i went to the first practice of the year for academic team! theres a lot of us and we had pizza and played and whatnot

falsettoland (reprise) / what do you want your legacy to be?

i just want people to remember me as someone who did their best to help others