#probs better not to I just want to vent and rant before I have to pretend everything is fine at work

[saul-okayman]

This is my LONG vent about everything which I should prob not post

We have had big fights and I made sacrifices too, like during COVID I went to his country on a tourist visa to stay together. But we were leaving country A (where we met) and I had to go to my home Country B Before going to Country C

And I had to isolate for 2 full weeks, so ovb I wanted to be with my family after that, I either spent a month out of isolation or 2 weeks before leaving for COuntry C. And then He was mad when I left for 6 weeks (2 isolation and 4 w family) around Christmas time.

Then he did 3 years with me in Country B

There was one incident In country C where we went to a new take out restaurant to get food for us, and his sister (plus her wife) BEFORE the grandparents birthday.

The food took forever, and took so long that he came into the restaurant, yelled at me before leaving. I was tearing up and the server had to keep asking of I was okay. I get the food and we keep fighting in the car, he keeps yelling, I'm crying and yelling back. In a fit of rage he tries to throw out the snack I bought him out the window. I stop crying when we get to his sister's house.

We open the food, see they forgot to pack an item, and I immediately start sobbing. AND WE STILL GO TO HIS GRANDPARENT'S BIRTHDAY? AND I FORGIVE HIM IN THE SAME DAY????

That was the first and only time something like that happened in the past 5 years but I still immediately forgave him.

I have a problem with cleaning, where I just CAN NOT bring myself to do it, out of sight, out of mind, if I do not have a list I will get overwhelmed and not do it, but I have been getting better. he cleans the kitchen every day for an hour BUT 80% if those dishes are his. When he was gone for a week-long work trip thing, I ran the dishwasher maybe twice.

One night I didn't do any cleaning and he flipped out and threw my earrings down the hall. They didn't break (thank god) and he apologized once before back to being mad about the cleaning.

I just feel like I dealt with so much of his mental illness that I forget people do actually break up over that. The anxiety, depression, and intrusive thoughts occurred when I went home for Christmas (6 weeks away) and he basically isolated himself from everyone. I feel like I have done SO MUCH to support him.

At first when my prof who tells students not to go for a PhD in sociology told ME she sew the drive in me to get one, he was like "great lets go where is best for you while I focus on my career" (as he has a PhD), then its "A PhD can not happen for you now bc I have mine and I can't let it go cold" and then "I'll move anywhere for your masters" to "Please only apply to masters in Provence A" to now which is "Only the big city ones I will go to because I can't like in an isolated small town, and I actually just want to go home, ie back with my parents I do not want any of this."

he's mad because I diden't immensely pick the university in a big city. That I would consider one in a small city. Huge yelling fights about how I am selfish and thinking of me and not US as a couple. And now that I;m holding him back from any job with his PhD.

I tried to explain why I still want to think about small city uni bc they REALLY want me to attend, keep talking about my research interests, and I am FLATTERED. I think they're stupid at times but I AM FLATTERED. I told him, he was sad over that and understood then called me manuplitive for that.

When I'm mad, I'm mad and want nothing to do with a person. He is flip-flopping from saying "I love you, we're not going to break up." to "You're a self-obsessed monster and I have to lie to myself that I am happy in this city and lie to myself about how you act sometimes."

I asked if he still wanted me to kiss him when he went to work today, and he said yes, then after told me he was lying to himself and he did not want one but did not want me to be sad. Is if he did not call me a "shellfish bitch" this morning.

it's just SO hot and cold. Making me cry last night and once I'm in bed, telling me how he wished he could meet his grandfather and talk about politics. Took a (would be funny of not fighting) photo of me when I fell asleep mid duolingo last night and sent it to me.

He goes to Country C on Sunday night or Monday am for a trip he booked a while back. Maybe he'll just return to get his stuff.

What hurts most is he wants to keep our cat.

[hakirachan]

Hey guys. Hakira here. Just a rant below the cut, read if you want. Or don’t. I don’t care.

I usually don’t vent on this blog. It’s mostly full of crack, shits and giggles, which is why you probably weren’t expecting this kind of post. But I just need to explain something in case I suddenly stop posting one day. (I know you guys probably don’t care; in fact, most of y’all probs won’t see this, but I needed to post this anyways. Sorry.) It’s kinda depressing so feel free to keep scrolling now that you know that.

So, I’m at a really shitty point in my life. It feels like everyone’s against me, like I’ve got almost nobody supporting me, and I feel like I’m hated by everyone I’ve ever looked up to. I know, sooo original. Well, it’s deeper than that.

I’m still living with my parents (somehow), but it’s always been pretty toxic ever since I was a kid. As the youngest, I can guarantee that the “youngest sibling is the favorite child, oldest gets all the work” stereotype is complete bullshit. I was told to do some things that kids that age shouldn’t have had to do. At just 6-7 years old, I was forced to take heavy bags & boxes (and I mean 40-50 pounds each) of my dad’s old shit down to the curb and wait there until they got picked up by his friend (“to make sure it didn’t get blown away” or something like that) in the middle of a fucking snowstorm, with temps below -10 degrees Fahrenheit [around -23 degrees Celsius]. Almost lost my fingers from that. They made me set out & pack up most things for a family campout on my own when I wasn’t even staying at the campsite; I was staying home with a mean, nicotine-addicted (took out a cigarette the moment my parents pulled out of the driveway; refused to stop smoking even though the smoke was making my 8-year-old body nauseous) babysitter because I had a B- in one of my classes. I know this doesn’t sound that bad, but the problem is that I wasn’t even 10 when these things were happening. It’s not really anything too serious, but I was still basically ripped out of my childhood way too early. But, enough about my childhood; now my present life. I’ve relied on my friends for comfort for most of my life because of my dysfunctional home. Recently, though, my friends have become more distant and toxic. Spreading rumors, talking shit, leaving me out, and pulling pranks that go too far (like ruining the outfit I worked so hard to make the day before my band concert). I’ve only got three friends I trust; however, 2 of them I hardly talk to anymore (not because anything happened, we’ve just got different things going on in our lives). So, there’s only one real friend who’s always stuck with me. However, there’s nothing he can do about my family at home. As I said earlier, my family’s always been toxic and dysfunctional. It should have gotten better over the years, but no. It’s gotten worse. They’ve cussed me out, threatened me, and recently, I’ve even been a victim to some domestic violence. I talked to the cops about it, and to a lady from the state who deals with these kinds of things. However, since there were no visible marks and no proof of it, they couldn’t log it as abuse because they can’t just go off of what is said; they need some hard evidence to actually do anything. So, since I don’t have the money to move out of my parent’s house, I had to watch my only hope at escaping this mental and verbal (and now some physical) abuse quite literally walk out the door. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges for the longest time. And, I’m ashamed to admit it because I’ve talked so many people out of it irl, but recently I have been self-harming. Thing is, while I had helped so many other people, nobody ever helped me through these dark times in my life. In fact, some people (who I helped through their trauma) literally told me to self-harm and to just kill myself when I tried venting to them. I just can’t deal with this shit anymore. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I can’t see the “bright side” anymore. There is no more “bright side” for me. I’m on the edge right now, literally. But I’ve got you guys to thank for getting me this far. Thank you so much for being here for me, even though I don’t usually vent, and you guys didn’t know what I’ve been going through up until now, so you weren’t actively trying to support me. Even so, thanks for appreciating me and not treating me like I’m more worthless than a dead plant. I love you all, and I hope you guys have great lives. So, if I change my mind, then I’ll see you guys later. If not…well, don’t mourn me, I’ll be in a better place. So long, guys. also im gonna give this a few days in case things get better (though let’s be honest, they’re probably not gonna) so don’t miss me just yet. If I’m gone for like, over a week, then you can assume I finally freed myself from this hell

shoutout to my mutuals, you guys are awesome and were great help to me (im not gonna pin you so you don’t feel obliged to read/reply to my dumb rant): dumb-mc-sheep cldhart08 acronym49 cricketproofreads im-an-angy-alpaca trash-opposum

And special shoutouts to my two fav mutuals (sorry other moots) @family-disappointment and @avatarofstars! You two were some of the greatest motivators for me to keep going. I’m sorry that your efforts (while unintentional) probably weren’t enough this time. I love you both and wish you both the best lives you can have! (And sorry for bothering you with the tag, just wanted you to see this last little note to you both💜)

This is Hakira, signing out.

:)

[eileen-crys]

~~~

[free-the-mages]

.

[plutosexc]

——— TR Love Language ———

pairing: chifuyu and mitsuya x gn!reader

warnings + genre: none & fluff

a/n: a bit self indulgent and some are my opinions, but that’s alr LOL enjoy :)

☈ Chifuyu Matsuno

NEEDS: Quality Time

❏ He loves you. This much is obvious. Chifuyu loves your company more than anything, just having you around him is enough.

❏ The sound of your voice is literal music to his ears.

❏ It doesn’t even have to be the standard “couple” tasks, just do anything with him. Help him bathe his cat [Peke J], read manga with him, walk with him whenever he wants to get fresh air, etc.

❏ Ask him about something he’s interested in and you can see his eyes brighten, almost as if he’s just gotten the best news. HE.LOVES.THIS. It shows you’re taking a genuine interest in him and what he cares about.

❏ You once asked him a question about the latest chapter of this manga you’d both been reading. It was a bit confusing to you. Chifuyu got so excited and carried away, he rambled for about 10 minutes.

❏ When he noticed he apologized, but not once did you tell him “stop” or “that’s enough”. You just rested your chin on your arm and stared at him attentively. Eyes full fondness hanging on to his every word.

❏ That’s most likely when he realized there’d never be anyone better.

GIVES: Words of Affirmation

❏ Essentially your personal cheerleader. He is so supportive of you and always there to lift you up when you’re low in spirits.

❏ It’s not really so much that Chifuyu showers you with compliments, but that he’s honest about how he’s feeling.

❏ His “words of affirmation” come naturally in the moment, not something rehearsed.

❏ He loves seeing how you get when you’ve found something you want to pursue. Best believe he will be there to push you and encourage you.

❏ Chifuyu wants to be a pillar in a sense, someone you look to for reassurance. He’s always telling you how much he loves you. Like you know already, but he’ll just be like “you know i love you right?” 😭. Secretly you love it though.

❏ Now, ‘fuyu is your cheerleading for sure, but he won’t hesitate to tell you when you’re overworking yourself. I see him as the type to give you a huge lecture when he notices you skipping meals to work and stuff.

☈ Mitsuya Takashi

GIVES: Acts of Service

❏ Mitsuya is used to looking after others. Like his sisters and the entirety of toman because they’re his family. It’s only natural that you’d come into this list too.

❏ Helping you and doing things for your benefit comes as second nature to him.

❏ Would text you randomly during the day like, “did you drink water today?”.

❏ The first one to offer you a hand if he knows you’ve got something to do. Mitsuya really doesn’t expect anything in return.

❏ I see him as the type to make you drop everything if you’re overworking yourself. Like let him find out you bit off more than you can chew without asking for help.

❏ If you are someone who has trouble asking for help, he’d just do it. You guys were talking on the phone and you’d been venting about the long list of tasks that needed completion.

❏ The next day about 5 of those tasks had magically been completed?? Yea, it was Mitsuya. He wouldn’t deny it either, but you truly appreciated him.

❏ Also because you lowk thought he wasn’t listening when you were ranting about your busyness.

NEEDS: Acts of Service

❏ As I said before, Mitsuya looks out for everyone he cares about. He needs someone who can reciprocate and do the same for him.

❏ Mitsuya won’t admit he needs help and would most definitely refuse at first, but if you keep pestering him then he has no choice. Can he really say no to you?

❏ Sometimes he gets caught up in his sisters, toman, his studies, his school club, etc. that he forgets to take care of himself.

❏ Make him bento’s when he doesn’t have the time to, setup study dates together and make sure he takes breaks, text him periodically through the day to make sure he’s taking care of himself.

❏ One time you had been asking him to hangout for days, but he kept blowing you off. That’s not usually like him because he enjoyed your company and if it made you happy he was all for it.

❏ When you arrived at Mitsuya’s house his eyes were red with apparent bags underneath them, his skin a bit pale. You could tell he hadn’t eaten or slept. No. no. No.

❏ This just didn’t work for you. You cooked him dinner, washed the dishes afterwords, ran him a bath and even massaged him after he got out. Bb was so thankful he had someone like you.

❏ Literally was unsure of how to respond to being pampered. 😭

uh originally draken was supposed to be in this too but i wrote too much?? so probs a p2

taglist | taglist form

@asaincy @myhoodacademia @morosis-haze @akisssnigga @mypimpademia @angiebug101 @lilsparkyswife @royalelusts @keiwaizumi @racistareversa @b4ngal @brithedemonspawn @artickitafox @0risha @g0joluvrrr @soupfrogy @crapimahuman @revengingvixen @iheartgirl @kazuluvr @dabisfireflower @asscheeks

[i-may-be-loosing-it]

TW EDS/SH | BLOCK DON'T REPORT PLS|

!!!Please read before following thank you :)

🌟 Hey so i thought i would make a new introduction bc yes

• You can call me May 🌟🌈.

• I'm 19, she/her.

•btw english is not my first language and im a high school dropout so dont be too harsh on my grammar lmfao.

• PLEASE DO NOT REPORT, JUST BLOCK !! THIS IS MY SAFE SPACE i can't afford therapy and this is the only outlet i have.

• I do not promote eds, im not pr04n4 and i think everyone deserves to feel beautiful in their skin, eat whatever tf they want,wear whatever tf they want, and live happy, everyone except me, I tried ''recovery'' and i wasn't ready but i fully support recovery and if you are recovered or in recovery pls leave my blog i want the best for you and i'm proud you got there 🌟💗.

• dni if you're: not an edblog, <16yo (if i follow you and you're <16 pls tell me), in recovery, recovered, racist, homophobic, transphobic, ed fetishist, porn blogs, and just nasty stuff ew ok (btw i am aware that i speak like a literal child but my childhood was stolen and now i am very immature blame my dad idk dude)

• I will follow/interact with +16 but i will not dm u unless you're +18 tho i suck ass at human interactions so you're prob better off lmao.

• Here i vent/share memes/rant/talk about my undiagnosed EDNOS, depression, self harm, suicide thoughts, unstable family life, SAD and being poor while actively doing nothing to change my situation bc /clown.

• I binge regularly and just fail at life constantly and cry about it here, if you think that makes me less valid just block me bc i seem to be unable to change and learn from mistakes lol.

• ❌ Stats ❌ ⤵

h: 152cm/5'0

🍭 hw: ~65+kg/143+lb | bmi: 28

🌟 sw: ~65+kg/143+lbs | bmi: 28

🍭 cw: 52.7kg/116lbs | bmi: 23

🌟 gw1: 53kg/116lbs | bmi: 23 (8/12/21)

🍭 gw2: 50kg/110lbs | bmi: 22

🌟 gw3: 47kg/103lbs | bmi: 20

🍭 gw4: 45kg/99lbs | bmi: 19

🌟 gw5: 43kg/94lbs | bmi: 19

🍀 ugw: 40kg/88lbs | bmi: 17

k bye have a nice day 🌟🌈💕

[cattles-bians]

damie vibecca exes au part 21

post directory

em: viola and becs love their lil hikes

em: oh actually did we already designate hiking as a damie thing

em: hmm.

em: yknow what damie and vibecca can both enjoy their weekend hikes

em: they bring isabel and she’s RUNNING up the path and tires herself out in 10 minutes and rebecca and viola swap out piggybacking her

obsetress: yeah it tracks because they both like fitness and viola likes her walks

obsetress: plus viola's like "it's good for isabel"

em: vibecca power lesbians love the challenging trails and damie just enjoy the sights

obsetress: dani venting to jamie one night: they don't even LIKE hiking, but they still had to do the blackjack loop, and WE won't even do the blackjack loop,

em: dani and her fanny packs... every time she sees isabel on a trail she like

em: stuffs her pockets w granola akdhdkfhdj

em: drives viola NUTS she’s like we packed our Own snacks

obsetress: dani gets SO excited

---

obsetress: man i love these lil gay bitches

obsetress: no but um

obsetress: jamie gets in some fight w rebecca early on after they've reconnected

obsetress: prob about her dating vi tbh

obsetress: and jamie's so put off by the whole thing and is ranting to dani about it and dani's all like "you just need to have better boundaries, jamie, they're her choices, aren't they? not yours"

obsetress: and jamie just stares at her like.........................................

obsetress: "dani, you literally continued hooking up with viola for weeks after you broke up"

"oh, c'mon jamie, it wasn't weeks"

"no?"

"it was months"

em: dani shooting herself in the foot to like. correct jamie is so funny

em: not even ‘no that’s different’ or ‘no i’ve changed’ like ‘actually it was months’

obsetress: she says it w such a lil pleased smile on her face too

---

obsetress:

obsetress: like who the FUCk gave her the right???

obsetress: a whole babe

obsetress: she didn't need to smirk like this

em: god she’s so Hot

obsetress: just think about all the times she and viola get into the banter

obsetress: and this exact face

em: i know we veered dramatically into soft territory w exes au but vi extremely stubborn lloyd and rebecca lawyer do no harm take no shit jessel truly. have some spectacular arguments

obsetress: they have absolute blowouts

obsetress: and then blowouts after the blowouts iywkim

obsetress: like dani's do no harm take no shit but she and vi also enable the SHIT out of each other

em: like dani tried but dani wasnt like. fully baked yet

obsetress: yeah! and then when she finally does and breaks up with her, she's back in her bed a few weeks later

obsetress: rebecca is the first person to not take viola's shit and to tell her no and viola can't fucking stand it

em: jamies convinced it’s a ruse for more make up sex

obsetress: dani's like "no, babe, trust me, i know what that looks like and this––"

"wot"

"what?"

em: dani (hushed) no she’s regular mad this isn’t fun mad

em: jamie (hushed but incredulous) FUN MAD?!

obsetress: please tell me how dani explains fun mad

em: a lil eyebrow waggle and a wink but then i like

em: thought abt her going to lift jamie up on a bench ‘well she kinda’

---

obsetress: the way rebecca looks at peter when he is (seemingly) (unfortunately) good w the kids has me thinking about like

obsetress: rebecca seeing vi w isabel for the first time and just

em: turns out the evil landlord shes banging is also…… soft

obsetress: rebecca and jamie on the phone and rebecca's like "i know she's... a landlord and all, but you should've seen her with isabel"

"you've gotta be fucking kidding me, becs––"

"no, maybe you're too quick to write her off. maybe people can be more than one thing"

and jamie just groans

em: poor jamie and her class traitor ex gf

em: blows kiss to rebecca

---

em: dani: i gotta go to the bathroom i’ll be right back

em: jamie: ok love

em: dani; (elbows jamie) ive Gotta Go To The B

obsetress: screamed

obsetress: dani trips over her own feet as she gets up to go

obsetress: then i just start thinking about dani absolutely pouncing on jamie the second they get into the bathroom and then i just start thinking about. how often that happens

obsetress: bathrooms or closets or wherever else

em: dani has this 6th sense for places to sneak off to

obsetress: god she DOES

obsetress: she's so good at it

em: she enters a new building and is taking lil notes just in case

obsetress: meanwhile rebecca and viola exchanging a look while they wait, knowing EXACTLY where they're going

em: viola leaning in like how much time do we have and becs is like vi. where’s your decorum

em: then she looks down at her watch and lists it down to the second

obsetress: she pauses

obsetress: then

obsetress: "and another six minutes if––" and vi's like "she'll want to go again"

em: viola buffing her nails on her blazer: she’ll want to go again

obsetress: rebecca rolls her eyes but she's grinning

obsetress: "you're all too smug" "me? smug?" becs just shakes her head and tugs her in by the lapels of her blazer

em: damie coming back to a fairly chaste vibecca kiss: BLEH can you guys GET A ROOM

obsetress: rebecca's just verly placidly like

obsetress: "dani, your zipper is still down, by the way"

em: dani; thanks :)

---

em: dani clayton voice i’m braver and severely Weirder than ppl think

obsetress: she's a bit of a weirdo

em: see now i’m thinking about dani glancing away going dang i thought i was keeping it under wraps

obsetress: ngl i think about that a lot like

obsetress: she IS a weirdo but what does jamie know

obsetress: that she's like yeah she's a fucking weirdo

obsetress: like she's anxious and jumpy but jamie wouldn't call that weird

obsetress: what did she know and when did she know it

em: i’m thinking about jamie catching dani doing something like. idk eating a burger layer by layer or w a knife and fork and going

em: what a freak. i’m gonna marry her

em: dani tells jamie no this is a normal american thing and then when they go to vermont jamie realises no this absolutely is not

obsetress: she says something about it and dani doesn't even remember saying it in the first place

obsetress: "i didn't say that"

"you literally did say that"

"why would i say that"

(jamie taylor eyebrow raise) "you tell me"

(dani clayton flush and stutter) "i–– i..."

em: dani mumbles something like i didn’t think it’d pan out like this i just wanted the cool gardener to think i was. semi normal

em: jamie waggles her eyebrows like cool gardener???

obsetress: dani bumps her shoulder into jamie's "shut up"

"don't think i will, actually"

em: jamie starts to v seriously eat her burger layer by layer. danis like ‘ur taking the mick!’ and jamies like (sheepish) naw i just. wanted to see what it’s like

---

em: every so often they’ll run into someone who went to school w jamie or knew her as a youth and they’re like ‘wow you’ve mellowed out heaps’

em: therapy queen

em: theyre in a pub and someone’s like ‘as i live and breathe! jamie taylor! i heard you died! someone told me you were arrested for (crime that becomes bigger and more outlandish w every new person)’ and jamies like ‘aye’ and they’re like

em: all sharing a beer at a quaint little pub n this old acquaintance from before has these v chaotic stories and danis like

em: jamie? my jamie? u must be confused. jamie goes to bed at 9:30pm watching antiques roadshow

obsetress: jamie just grins a lil

em: danis like haha jamie wow ur so mysterious and (she is already casing the joint for places to sneak off too)

---

em: damvibecca sittin in a circle passing a joint around

em: a nice thought

obsetress: Wholesome

obsetress: dani falls asleep first, with her head in jamie's lap and they're all just kinda vibin and rebecca gets up to get her a blanket or smth and vi's just kinda like

obsetress: "you're really good for her, you know"

obsetress: all quiet and pensive

em: jamie takes a loooooonng pause and she’s like. i was sceptical but. you’re good for becs too

em: and then even quieter she’s like

em: thanks

em: the softest thank u from one jamie taylor

obsetress: rebecca gets back and looks back n forth between the two of them

"why are you two being weird"

"we're not–- what?"

"we're just sitting here, baby"

obsetress: rebecca narrows her eyes

---

obsetress: jamie likes vi for becs because vi reminds her to live a little

obsetress: and can also keep up with her temperament because holy shit did jamie hate all of becca's bougie shit

em: jamie absolutely has um

em: like a repairs pile that shes gonna get around to Some Day re fixin clothes etc and

em: as much as i love 'rebecca and jamie worlds most calm and collected no drama couple' im defs toying with like

em: their ONE Big fight is beccs throws out the repairs pile

obsetress: "i was gonna––"

"no you WEREN'T, jamie!"

em: jamies like i The Tool I Needed is outta stock i had to- and becs is like? what, like you couldnt make do?

em: and even then when the heat dies down its still v calm and civil but like

em: FINALLY a lil dramatic angle to jamie rebecca

em: dani loves the repairs pile bc she loves a project

obsetress: she's also very content to let jamie have her silly little thing

obsetress: because it doesn't bother her and jamie is very good at keeping it in her space

obsetress: rebecca asks her about it one day and dani's like "oh i'm just glad she has a hobby :)"

em: couple times jamie's like. shes been tryna repair this one chair for months and eventually shes like

em: (swings axe) winters coming

obsetress: dani just watches with the dopiest grin

obsetress: jamie's all wot

obsetress: and dani's like

obsetress: :) you're hot :)

em: danis like hey i know its a brisk autumn but um

em: if u wanna

em: mimes taking shirt off

obsetress: jamie does it

obsetress: jamie rolling her eyes as she unbuttons the top couple buttons then tugs her shirt over her head

obsetress: but she's grinning

obsetress: dani sneaking up behind her as she's sorting the wood and just leaning into her bare back

obsetress: jamie jumps "oi!" and dani grins and nuzzles between her shoulders

---

obsetress: been having so many becca feelings in our rewatch

em: oh gosh

em: i love her she truly is a tragic character

obsetress: same

obsetress: i just want her to live happily ever after in her lil power lesbian outfits with her lil power lesbian wife

obsetress: like she needs someone who can MATCH her

obsetress: her energy and her intensity and her passion

obsetress: and like she and jamie can push each other to be better but jamie’s just kinda like “lemme chill n do my gay little tasks” yknow

em: ya and like they Worked but they worked Much better as friends than anything romantic

em: jamies the lesbian best friend that’s like girl. stop settling for mediocre men with accents

obsetress: yeah!

em: jamie ‘how soon is too soon to ask out my good friend rebecca jessel after her v messy break up w peter quint’ taylor

em: and then rebecca ends up being the one like ‘have you ever thought about us?’ while jamies agonising over it like four months later

em: rebeccas a little go getter and jamie needs a little bit of a shove sometimes

obsetress: jamie, surrounded by three shovers,

obsetress: rebecca says it so casually over dinner like she’s talking about the weather and jamie’s like !?

obsetress: i can also see like

obsetress: rebecca says that bit about "have you ever thought about us" at dinner and jamie blanches and second guesses everything they do "is....... is this a date" becca just shrugs "do you want it to be?"

em: jamies motormouthing like ok but i cannot stress enough that i was comforting you about ur break up in a friend way no ulterior motives way i am ur friend first and foremost and rebecca just like

em: lets her get it out of her system

em: ‘well what about my ulterior motives’

obsetress: she WOULD

obsetress: "did you ever consider that maybe i had ulterior motives"

em: jamie: (pursing her lips, furrowing her brow that way she does) you had a messy break up with peter quint….. to seduce me.

em: rebecca: mmhmm

obsetress: jamie: me?

obsetress: rebecca: well, maybe a couple of reasons, but... yeah. you were up there

---

em: after i asked out [ex] i spent ages agonising over when it would be appropriate to kiss her (i know...) and then one night at a party she’s like ‘so why haven’t u kissed me yet?’ and i’m like are u fucken. mate it takes two to tango

obsetress: oh my god?

em: drawing from that

em: jamie thinks they’re taking it slow (but not that slow) and rebecca is like girl what

em: ‘i never took you for old fashioned’

‘wot, me?’

'mmhm’

‘old fashioned?!’

‘well, you haven’t kissed me yet-‘

‘you haven't kissed me! i figured you wanted to take it slow after p-‘ and then rebecca like full on dips jamie and kisses her

em: rebeccas like always wanted to do that at least once lol

em: jamie is speechless for a couple minutes

obsetress: rEBECCA

---

obsetress: thinking thoughts rebecca jamie same height but rebecca heels

obsetress: jamie looking up @ her all

obsetress: rebecca in her heels and is chilly and jamie getting up onto her tip toes to wrap her big coat around rebecca's shoulders

em: softtt

[maxdark158]

HEAR ME OUT - I’VE GOT AN AU IDEA

Okay, so I have too much on my plate with Demon in Gotham, the sequel, and my and @slytherinsheashire ‘s baby so I can’t write this au out as a story but I couldn’t get the idea out of my head so if any of you write this PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tag me

Daminette endgame (through really can work with any ship in the maribat fandom)

So I know in most Daminette AUs we hate on Adrien because of his flaws in canon (which I am not against)

BUUUUT au where there was no love interest for Adrien/Chat Noir and Ladybug/Marinette to begin with, so they were Best Friends, and still are when Damian comes in

Like he is protective because That's My BFF but he's reasonable and not in love with her

He also actually has her back with Lila. He can't stand up stand up to her (because abusive father) but he hangs out with Marinette whenever he can and they make fun of Lila together when she can't hear them and he is passive-aggressive with her a lot

He likes Damian but by Rule of Best Friends he does threaten him if he hurts his BFF

Alya is still a jerk but Adrien is passive (agreste)sive with her too about fact-checking

Also, Alya totally thinks Mari liked Adrien and doesn’t listen to Mari saying no

CN completely hates Lila btw because not only is she lying about Red Best Friend but she's bullying Pink Best Friend and while Adrien has to be nice CN doesn't!

A mental image: Adrien telling Lila she looks pretty, "today," before running off before she picks up on the insult

He also as CN takes his job more seriously and only banters on patrol and such. He didn't at first but LB took him aside and explained why she was annoyed and he stopped – because that’s what you do when your BFF asks you to!!

When the reveal happens Adrien is like, "you are my mega ultra best friend now"

Because I don't really ship Adrien with anyone but Mari I HC that in this au he's aro ace. If you ship him with someone he can just not be interested in Mari (gaydrien is also an option) but the rest of this will continue as if he is aro ace, change as needed if you write differently

He and Mari are the closest two BFFs can be but she and Damian are the ones with romantic feelings and such

Adrien is actually the one who suggests giving the Fox to Damian when Alya shows no signs on improving

He’s just the bestest of best friends and he never feels like Mari owes him anything and he gives terrible dating advice and they’re just! Best Friends!!

He also recognizes his dad as abusive and is trying to better himself while being under his father’s thumb. He’s essentially counting down the days to freedom at this point

Gabriel is Adrien-phobic, sexuality included. Adrien hasn’t come out to him and he never plans to

A quick list of episode fixes in random order--

Stoneheart – is the same up until they ‘fall in love’ CN is just super excited to have someone as awesome as LB as a friend. Mari doesn’t fall in love but she is a bit awkward with her new BFF at first

Stormy Weather – Alya, Manon, and Marinette all went to the park to bring Adrien a snack in stormy weather because he complained about his diet

CN banters, doesn’t flirt, stops bantering around Copycat when LB asks if he can focus on work when there is an akuma

Horrificator – Adrien was anti kiss no matter who the actress was. Nino, realizing he was making his bro uncomfortable, forgoes the kiss completely, despite Alya suddenly pushing for it once Marinette was volunteered as the lead girl

Animan – Adrien asked Mari if she had a crush on anyone first, because he didn’t want to put her in a situation where she was accidentally leading Nino on. All four of them end up going to the zoo together as planned but Mari locked Alya and Nino in the cage because Alya was annoying her about a ‘crush’ on Adrien

Dark Cupid – LB was venting about Alya trying to get her to confess her nonexistent crush and CN was ranting about ppl sending him letters without even knowing him or his sexuality. He teared up in his rant (when mentioning his father probs) and she hugged him and he saw Dark Cupid and shielded her. She kissed his cheek to break the spell

Prime Queen – Chamack was pushy with them being a couple but they both outright denied it and declared themselves best friends and only that. Mari, resident Bi, came out as lesbian as LB to throw ppl off her trail and make pushy shippers stop. CN hesitated about coming out as ace and, in private, told him he didn’t have to

Volpina – Adrien realized Lila was flirting and shut her down right away, saying he wasn’t interested. Marinette happened to be in the library at the time and she and Tikki saw her steal the book. As LB she confronted Lila about stealing and asked for it back. LB calmly and politely told her not to lie – Lila still gets akumatized. Because Adrien shut Lila down pre-superhero lie CN isn’t suspicious, LB is

Collector – When LB says Gabriel is HM, CN takes a moment to breathe before getting ready to fight. After the akuma he asks if HM can akumatize himself, and they both decide to start tracking akuma when they can

Gamer – lucky charm scene still happens, no romantic connotations to anything. Same with Befana

Bubbler – LB changes the music because Adrien looked so uncomfortable – not out of jealousy. Adrien sees her stitched name in the fabric and asks her privately. This is what starts him on the road of growing independent from his father’s abuse and lack of care

Rogercop – Adrien doesn’t even call his father. He doesn’t want him there and he wouldn’t come anyway, so he doesn’t try. However, he does use the ‘gotta call my father’ excuse to try and help Plagg out of the bracelet

Simon Says – Adrien accepts the hug from his father bug tells Plagg that it would have been warmer to hug a statue after, and he almost wishes his father hadn’t tainted the memory of hugs as a child. The ‘she looks like you’ scene still happens but it’s platonic. Adrien is bouncing and excited in all the Ladrien scenes because BEST FRIEND! RIGHT THERE!!!

Gigantian – the girls don’t do the date thing and are just doing each others’ hair for fun. Alya keeps insisting that Mari do something about her ‘crush’ but the other girls take Marinette’s side and she quits arguing while she’s ahead. Adrien wanders off which is how the akuma glances off Gorilla, then Mari pretends to be sick in the bathroom while going out to become LB

Glaciator – Marinette is upset because her BFF can’t go but she doesn’t get mad so no akuma

Gorilla – Marinette doesn’t really like the commercial because it doesn’t really fit the pun-loving dork that is her BFF but she still manages to be late to the pool then runs around with her BFF in her PJs which she isn’t embarrassed about. She gets mad on Adrien’s behalf when ppl call her his gf

Captain Hardrock – Mari gets a bit of a crush on Luka, Adrien 100% teases her and gives her bad dating advice

Syren – Adrien is upset that he’s out of the loop, but LB told him that she CAN’T tell him and it isn’t her choice to so he doesn’t throw a fit. He does detransform to talk out his feelings with Plagg but he doesn’t threaten to remove the ring or anything

Troublemaker, she has photos of all her classmates on her wall (she actually has the most of Juleka as proof of her picture curse being broken) and she has all her classmates’ schedules because class pres

Reverser – Nathaniel actually apologizes. Like that’s my only change tbh. I ship them but the writers should have included an apology scene, that’s on them (I fully believe Nathaniel apologized but the writers didn’t care enough to include it so f them)

Frozer – they all go to the rink as friends. Adrien invited Kagami for fun and they’re both trying to help Mari with Luka. Kagaminette friendship from that episode onward

Catalyst and Mayura – Alya’s headstrong-ness and Nino’s willingness to do what she says is what brings them down, to show their flaws beforehand. Chloe’s redemption isn’t thrown away like in canon so she has gotten better. CN recognizes his father’s voice but doesn’t react to it because he doesn’t want to expose himself. After Hero’s Day, he tells LB he knows who HM is and accidentally spills his identity – but she doesn't care at the moment because her BFF needs a hug. He doesn’t know LB’s identity but she knows his

Timebreaker, Evillustrator, Mr. Pidgeon, Darkblade, Princess Fragrance, The Mime, Pixelator, Guitar Villain, Reflecta, Kung Food, The Puppeteer, Antibug, Riposte, Robostus, Dark Owl, Sapotis, Gorilla, Frightningale, Zombizou, Queen Wasp, Maledictator, Anansi, Style Queen, and Despair Bear are the same just no lovesquare romance

Chameleon – Adrien doesn’t say the bull about the High Road, because he reconizes Lila is hurting Marinette. “But look at it this way – Ladybug calmly asked her to stop lying. I calmly asked her to stop lying. She gets akumatized no matter what. I think exposing her would just get us more trouble. We should stand up for ourselves, of course, but let the others realize for themselves that she’s a liar. Or at least wait until Hawkmoth is defeated before you expose her. Then she won’t get any superpowers out of it.”

At some point after that Mari says smth that LB said and he realizes who she is but that’s up to the writer to decide because then Damian Wayne enters the scene!

So Mari knows who HM is but she doesn’t know where to begin with that information so she asks Tikki for help. Tikki says one of her previous LBs are still alive and Mari contacts Hippolyta with magic

Hippolyta contacts Wonder Woman and WW realizes this may be better suited to someone who knows humans better so she passes the message along to Bruce

Bruce sighs and rubs his temple. He decides to send Damian

BTW time is actually passing through these episodes so everyone is about a month-ish apart so Mari is 15 almost 16 and Adrien is 16 now

Bruce sends Damian to help them with the final takedown of HM and Mayura

Now, some funny convos with BFF Adrienette

oooOOOooo

Alya: Marinette is being such a jerk to Lila!

Adrien: Huh. Marinette is almost never a jerk unless it's someone like Chloe.

Alya: W-Well she clearly changed!

Adrien: If you say so. I'm assuming you saw this yourself?

Later

Adrien: UGH! Alya has like become Lila's most loyal follower I swear, this is so annoying

Marinette, patting his back: you're being a brave soldier, facing that every day

Adrien: I just wish she'd stop putting her hands on me. I'm literally wearing the aromantic and asexual flags! I'm not interested!

Marinette; I think Kim noticed. He was looking at the situation and went to talk to Miss Bustier.

Adrien: Oh thank the kwami. Enough about me though. Tell me about this cutie from Gotham you like?

oooOOOooo

Adrien: UGHH I have to take Lila to this gala AGAIN!!

Marinette; I'm going too, Damian invited me.

Adrien: THANK THE KWAMI I'll ditch Lila as soon as possible. Your boyfriend is fully willing to roast without his dad disowning him, right?

Marinette: one, we aren't dating yet, and two, yes

Adrien: YES!! Also, Mari don't kid you two will date soon I know these things

oooOOOooo

Adrien's love advice is almost always, "just tell him you love him," because he doesn't understand how nerve-wracking it is. Or he steals a confession scene idea from an anime or fanfic, depends on the situation

Marinette: How should I confess to Damian??

Adrien: Just do it?? Walk right up to him and say you love him. Easy peasy!

Marinette: you do not understand how much I Can Not do that

Adrien: ... alright, plan B is you start working at a coffee shop-

[sadhaa]

another THOUGHT

Cause istg i am on a role rn. If anyone has the time and writing ability to write these ideas GO DO IT. I enable you. 

OK THOUGHT: The Dark Tower - The Hollow Queen and With All My Heart storylines but change it up a bit. The Dark Tower, The Hollow Queen The Hollow Warlock and With All My Heart

Like what if instead of Gwen, Merlin got kidnapped?

Note: I do realize after my last post that I am making some eps more Merlin-centric and that’s bc i feel like if this happened we would get more character development. just a thought. 

Note again: you can interpret this as platonic or romantic i dont really care but bc im a big rom merthur shipper, im taking this in the romantic interpretation

Note again again: can people comment like if they like ideas like this cause im down to have more thoughts. like this is fun. i feel great. 

Ok as always background:

1. Gwen is Queen, Camelot needs a queen so she is queen, but she is not married to Arthur, she is married to Lance (they did him so dirty in the show)

2. Arthur has feelings but he doesn’t really know that he has feelings. like he gets a fluttery feeling whenever Merlin smiles but just chalks it up to heart burn. 

3. Morgana knows who Emrys is. Cause if she is the High Priestess, im gonna assume she knows about the crystal cave and asked it “crytal crystal in the ground, who the hell is emrys?” and it just showed a pic of merlin and she was like “aww hell nah”

ok on to thought-->

So Morgana finds out about Merlin and his magic and is pissed. She plots to torture him for the pain he has caused her. she also remembered what Agravaine (ew) told her when he was helping her, that Arthur had the knights comb the forests in search of Merlin, ultimately going himself to save Merlin. also if she can get Emrys to her side, then maybe all of the magic population would side with her and help takeover Camelot. So she plans to kidnap him and take him to the dark tower.

so cue that scene with all the knights and Gwen but this time with Merlin too bc Gwen misses him and wants to chat like old times. 

BAM MORGANA 

now some of the knights get bitten and gwen gets knocked unconcious but Merlin tries to stand up to her, but she subdues him quick bc we need that for plot. 

the remaining knights go back to Arthur, commence angst bc oh no Merlin. 

Arthur remembers the fear he felt the last time Merlin was kidnapped by the men but doesn’t know that Merlin was kidnapped by Morgana then too. Either way, he needs to get his bff/love back.

Merlin faces the same hallucinations but its everyone reacting badly when they find out about his magic

Leon - “YOU BETRAYED YOUR FRIENDS AND ARTHUR, HOW COULD YOU”

Gwaine - “YOU LIED TO ME WHEN I TOLD YOU ABOUT MYSELF, I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS” (not super strong ik, if someone has a better one...)

Elyan and Gwen - “MAGIC KILLED OUR FATHER AND NOW WE WILL GET OUR REVENGE”

Percival - “MAGIC (CENRED) KILLED MY FAMILY NOW I WILL KILL YOU”

Lancelot - “YOU LIED AND GOT ME BANISHED, YOU SAID YOU WOULD HELP ME MERLIN” 

and then Arthur’s would hurt the most “YOU LIED TO ME ALL THESE YEARS I TRUSTED YOU YOU KILLED MY FATHER YOU COULD HAVE SAVED MORGANA YOU ALMOST GOT GAIUS KILLED YOU MONSTER...”

the “monster” part would kill him inside and is thus the breaking point for him where he falls into Morgana’s curse.

Now commence the rest of the episode Dark Tower, the same way except that the weird fairy actually helps the rescue party bc she believes that Merlin is good and that they all need him and Elyan doesn’t die bc my boi deserves better than that too. 

They get him back and he seems fine. But he really isnt

I dont have any real ideas for the Hollow Warlock its just a cool title I thought. The main pivotal part should be Merlin meeting with Morgana and monologuing about living in Camelot scared and saving Arthur and not being seen which makes the viewers see a side of Merlin that is not seen often. almost like a Dark!Merlin AU. 

Ok, now to With All My Heart. All the knights, Arthur and Gwen notice Merlin acting odd. So they follow him and notice him consorting with Morgana. Arthur is crushed bc the one person, his other half, who he knew would never betray him has now gone and done this. When they speak with Gaius and he tells them that Merlin has fallen to Morgana’s will, then they all are relieved bc that means that Merlin doesn’t actually want to betray Arthur. Arthur is now more determined than ever to get him back. So cue funny scene with a dinner with knights, arthur, gwen and gaius. even mordred.

BAM merlin unconscious and ready to be saved!

Now adventure! Quest! Drama! Angst! 

On a night where they have to stop to rest and merlin is still conked out, they swap stories of M’s heroic deeds and funny moments. they plan to tell him all of this when he wakes up cause that boy doesn’t get enough praise.

Now they are at the fancy lake (im a little lazy to figure out the name) the only downside to my idea is that there can’t be a Dolma. or maybe there is a Dolma! that isnt merlin in disguise. 

Merlin wakes up and like how Gwen went on a mad tirade for a sec, he goes on for a whole 10 mins and inadvertently reveals his magic. He vents it all out in an anger infused rant and talks about how he wants to be loved and seen and is crying as well as shouting. Everyone is horrified and Arthur feels guilty and betrayed. Percival knocks him out so that they can talk about this. They spend the night there and decide to wait til the morning to decide to help M or not (basically they all would save M they jus dont know if A would save him or not [even though they all know he would]).

Arthur sleeps and ,through Kilgarrah’s (is that how you spell it?) creepy ass voodoo magic, sees a life without Merlin in it. He wakes up with a shout and realizes. That. was. a Nightmare. a life without Merlin was literally a nightmare. He thinks back to the rant and knows that even though Merlin was scared and did things selflessly, he meant no harm to camelot and did it all out of Love. Bc he loved Arthur. Arthur then has an epiphany and realizes his “heart burn” is emotions. yike. And with that Arthur decides to help M. 

They get him to the lake and its basically a repeat of the day before with the screaming and shouting. But this time, Morgana’s men have arrived. With Morgana. cause drama.

Now the knights and gwen grab their swords and make a wall while M and A stay behind. Arthur tries to get through to Merlin and says “I am sorry with all my heart” and Merlin hesitates. 

Then a few of the evil dudes get through the wall and advance towards Arthur and Merlin. Arthur steps forward to fight and Merlin watches and realizes that Arthur would fight for him, would die for him just as Merlin had vowed to do. this man was worth it and that he knew that with all his heart. 

Merlin walks into the lake, glows a little and walks out normal. he like slow walks past the wall and uses his magic in a super badass way and just scares Morgana bc of how powerful she is. she yeets herself out of there and everyone hugs merlin and they tell him how much they all love him. Arthur in particular just kisses him right there and then, all adrenaline and happiness.  

On the way home, he tells the stories of all the times he used magic. they realize that even though he was under Morgana’s will, this is still what he felt, the fear, the anxiety, the pain. Arthur goes back and repeals the ban and makes Merlin his consort. prob some nice angst with requited love. 

the end.

someone write this pls. i have these thoughts at 11:23 pm and dont have the motivation to actually write something like this. 

[whitmore]

Ok hang on. Everyones going crazy with this move. Any changes will probs be negligible. CW doesnt have some team of writers with quotas to fulfill. Every show has their own production and team behind it. Obvi some exec crossover with the arrowverse, but point stands that each show has made their own choices/mistakes/whatever anyones opinion of them is. Unless GJ leaves I dont see any major story style changes (any changes to staff writers is normal, they can come and go between seasons). 1/5

As far as budget/aesthetic goes it’s not like stargirl (or any other show) uses cameras/lights that are any different or more $$$ than “CW shows”. Everyone rents the same type of expensive ass cameras (arri alexas, red 1s, etc etc). It’s how they’re used by the DOPs and directors—a specific “look” that’s designed and agreed upon—and then how they’re cut in post. Those ppl are not going anywhere (and tbh there are already some that have worked on stargirl that also worked on cw shows before). 2/5

Costumes! Are already made so there should be no worry about that (and imo there have been better “cw” costumes than wildcats cheekbone mask and beths potato sack for example—stargirl and hourmans are great tho). Location/sets is also a funny one bc first of all sg shoots in ATL. A very tax friendly place to film and where a few other cw shows already film as well. And I’m pretty sure stargirl has even reused some old sets from when vampire diaries filmed there (not 100% on that tidbit tho). 3/5

The only thing I see being affected are CGI and possibly cast. And cgi is more of a time issue than just budget. Other CW shows have had super tight shooting to air schedules which gives post less time to work. Plus if theres more episodes, also less time (but there are cw shows with ~15 eps so I don’t see that changing either!). Cast would be the two big names in Courts parents. But even then I think itll be ok. We arent privy to those negotiations but looking at supergirl for example. 4/5

it wasnt just money (tho im sure it was a contributing factor), but also location. LA to VAN is huge, pretty sure flockhart didnt wanna move her whole family. Anyways im so sorry for this rant but ive seen all this negativity and tons of misinformation floating around all over the internet and it just kills me. We all need to take a breath. s2 is great news! I get if ppl have concerns/reservations, or even if theyre done and wanna jump ship. But in all likelihood, everything will be fine. 5/5

if u wanted a place to talk abt this u probably shouldn’t have came to me, eleanor cosmicstaff, who LITERALLY has a tag for hating the cw but like. yeah maybe it will be but it probably won’t we LITERALLY don’t fucking know. “we all need to take a breath” bro i made an ENTIRE post about me being positive please don’t come here thinking i’m being entirely negative about this because i am very vocally NOT !!!! i know u need a place to vent anon and that’s fine but like. a lot of the changes u mention are NOT okay with me (changing luke & amy, the cgi (which isn’t a TIME ISSUE it’s literally budget bc the time accounts for the amount of hours people get PAID FOR), the costumes which i think are GREAT there was SO much effort put into them down to the STITCHING details joel has said they cost SO much money, also stargirl uses SO much more expensive lighting & cinematography than any cw show, idk where ur getting this information but johns has STATED they use expensive shit. it SHOWS u can see it in the quality of stargirl) like. man i have been really stuck responding to this because i want to remain positive i do but u can’t come in here and like spread YOUR misinformation and expect me to like,, post it and agree and let it slide??? idk anon. y’all have ur own blogs and i don’t want to be used a springboard for people to get their opinions out there u feel? and i respect ur opinion and all and if u think it’s all going to be fine then sure, think it, but critically evaluating the seasons past of shows on the cw or that have moved to the cw, this doesn’t bode well for stargirl at all?? i’m literally just looking at like the evidence and show quality decline,,, it’s facts

please please please look critically at cw works and how the cw mistreats source material and uses shows as cash grabs. stargirl was created for dcu exclusive, not for wider viewing, and it SHOWS. stargirl wasn’t meant to be tied to some wider cw diet coke dc universe. and the changes that will come WILL impact the show and i’m not expecting them to be good changes.

[frankensteindotpdf]

TGWDLM and Love

Okayyyy so I was supposed to write an assignment on how a romantic movie expresses love and I asked my prof if I could write about tgwdlm instead and he said yes?? Bless him so anyway I made wayyyy too many notes for a 500-600 word assignment lmao so I felt like i might as well post em here… this is a compilation of every time Paul and Emma interact pretty much lol its hella long (im not kidding it’s like 7 pages rip) so under the cut :) 

finally done, @isaidsinggoddammit!!

Sidenote: There’s very mixed capitalization as my brain flipped between tumblr mode and assignment mode so excuse that lmao)

Coffee Shop Part 1

Tips well to impress her

Listens to her vent-she already feels comfy enough to rant to him or, alternatively, she’s just a really open person (but shhh she has to trust him to some extent)

Insults others he doesnt know too well but he knows she doesnt like, again to impress

Tries to act indifferent towards everyone else (and tough)

Almost says smth romantic (“Some things are worth it”) but backtracks when she looks confused

In this scene, he tries to act cool but is clearly super nervous. One thing I really like is how he never acts too cool for her, like a lotta people do. He’s genuinely interested in what she has to say and never pretends otherwise, and also never pretends to be interested to get her to like him. I just really love how good he is at listening

Cup of Roasted Coffee/ Cup of Poisoned Coffee

When he panics he goes to Beanies to get a coffee and relax (wake up)

He turns to Emma (subconsciously?) for comfort

Freaks out when she sings (for good reason)

Emma remembers him (“Paul, right?... You’re the guy who doesn’t like musicals”)

Doesnt seem to notice how weird he’s acting

Continues to vent

He pulls her away from the counter to explain what’s going on

Paul finds it important to tell her-she’s the first person he admits it to

Him venting to her like she does to him? Trying to connect in a similar way? Im reading too much into that

He holds her there while explaining, she has to find an excuse to pull away

She thinks he’s crazy-keeps glancing at him during the song (he looks terrified)

Seems concerned for him

He switches between nervously staring at her and anxiously staring into the void (mood)

She turns to him at the “end” of the song and comes near him in the middle

She runs to paul when they start singing

They grab each other

He tells her to run, pushes her forward and shifts so he’s between her and the aliens

This scene is reeeally creepy from Emma’s perspective like oh my gosh can you imagine a man yelling at you (not at you but at your singing but still) and pulling you away from your work and then holding you still when you try to leave??? Anxiety to the max poor babe but also i get paul’s side can you imagine seeing the whole apocalypse beginning and it’s so weird no one would believe you if you tried to tell them? Poor bb. There’s also a lot of things that come up later: the ways he holds emma in this scene is the same way he holds her later one, later it’s to comfort her but  this time it’s more to calm himself… he also pulls her to a better spot like he does later on

Trash Bin Scene

He leads her away-he knows the neighbourhood better

Tries learning about her (you like film?) (cmon paul bad timing)

(at trash) hold hands, she grabs his shirt while panicking

He holds her firmly by the shoulders to calm & comfort (parallels Cuppa)

Emma instinctively grabs Paul’s arm when Bill pops out

“Emma stays with us”-stands up to ted even though he looks pretty scared of him

(sidenote-what did ted do to Paul? The poor boy looks straight up terrified the first time he shows up)

Emma looks real confused about “latte hottay” but she never brings it up

“Paul!” when he runs to Charlotte-gestures at Paul near end of song

Paul tends to comfort people by grabbing their shoulders/putting a hand on their back (Emma of course but also Charlotte and Bill- has a looser hold on them than Emma)

Here they’re already starting to react to danger by reaching for each other and it’s v cute also bless paul i just really like how he calms people down he’s so good and pure

Hidgens’ Fortress Part 1

They trust Emma enough to go to Hidgens’ place (not like they had many other options)

Men™ typically trusted for “strong” stuff-Ted and Bill cuff Sam

Paul stands up for Bill-such a protective boy (could also be doing it to look cool for Emma but tbh it doesnt seem like it ill bring this up again later)

Paul listens intently to Emma’s venting

He smiles, nods, asks qs and repeats phrases she says

Its obvious he genuinely cares

Emma’s v comfy with him-they have an easy chem when Paul relaxes

Emma progressively shares deeper shit as she becomes more comfortable around paul

Paul makes jokes to lighten the mood, but not in a disrespectful way

Seems more nervous when bringing topics to himself

She listens just as politely as he does

“Whoa thats like your origin story...so I guess I’m the supervillain” “I dont think of you like that at all, Emma.” Cutest, Softest smiles on both of them my heART “Listen, Paul”-she was about to confess her love dammit charlotte

I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: Paul is such a good listener. I dont know why i find this so cute but their convos are so perfect like he asks qs so he knows exactly what she’s talking about (“what’s a coatimundi?” “Oh, did she smoke a lot of pot?”) and he repeats back phrases she says which shows that he’s genuinely listening like...so many characters (and people irl, lets be real)  just pretend to listen to get what they want but he cares so much about what she has to say i just cant stop talking about it it’s so cute also how he seems so comfortable when she’s talking and then starts showing sign of nervousness again when the convo turns to him? Pure mood

Join Us And Die

Both jump behind chair when Charlotte and Sam show up

Emma clings to Paul’s arm + hides behind him

She steps out “charlotte?”

Paul pulls her back when sam approaches

Paul puts himself between Emma and Sam

Emma puts her back to Paul and grabs his arm

Paul pulls Emma away by her arm (“What’s wrong with her shirt?”)

Emma’s caught up in the gore, Paul is relatively level-headed

He keeps an arm around her

Emma steps away from paul to yell at Sam +Char (“He has a daughter!!”)

Instinctively reaches for Paul  when Char gets shot (and later looks back at paul a couple of times when shook at prof hidgens)

Alright they do this whenever aliens show up so imma just talk about it here: this part was in my assignment so 1 lets hope it doesnt get flagged as plagiarism and 2 i could rant about this all day.

Basically Paul fulfills the traditional masculine role as protector and leader. Whenever smth dangerous shows up, he has one hand on her (on her shoulder, arm or the small of her back)-both reassuring them that someone else is there and making it easier for him to move her-which he does lots. He pulls her behind him or pushes her forward (away from the infected), leading her to where he thinks is safest. He always puts himself between her and the aliens, leading her to a safer spot. Emma tends to get distracted (emotional female stereotype) and paul is the one to move them both to safety (strong stoic man stereotype). To be fair, he is a lot bigger than emma and would probs have an easier time in a fight (tho i dont doubt that emma would be v i c i o u s) Emma tend to cling to Paul’s arm when she gets scared (which is really cute)

Hidgens’ Fortress Part 2

Emma adds to Paul’s plan- taps on his arm to move him

Paul steps back in front of her- i always found this weird, he totally blocks her from the conversation like why

She steps back out to roast ted

Paul looks at Emma when Ted @s him-now here’s where I could see him standing up for Bill to impress emma again. It’s not the only reason, but i do think it’s a contributing factor (and probably was before too cuz lets be real, when your crush is around you gotta act tough) of course he wants to protect his bff but he’s super anxious around ted so wanting to look brave for emma gives him that extra push he needs. Alternatively, he looks at Emma as a way to calm himself down before saying smth scary (which is adorable)

Emma wants to help but is called back to help with the lab

This is another thing i find super interesting-wouldnt more people around make it more likely he gets stopped? Did he want an audience (more than just ted) cuz i guess that’s understandable but in that case why didnt he wait a little longer to see if they came back? Idk it just seemed weird to me (also the whole “nooo female cant go out where it’s dangerous” even though it’s more like “oh emma’s the only one i know here can she not leave” wait actually that’s probably it lmao he just didnt wanna be alone with ted ok relatable nvm )

“Hey, Paul?” grabs arms (paul reciprocates) she’s real nervous for him leaving-relates to how much he hates musicals

I find that really cute cuz it’s showing once again how much they listen to each other and idk i just really like that about them

Grabs his face and pulls him close-he pulls her hands down to look her in the eyes to tell her he’ll stay safe

He doesn’t kiss her-super interesting! She pulled him close like that (which coulda been a sign to kiss her) and this was a pretty emotionally charged moment which a kiss would have fit - Paul hates kisses hc?

Not Your Seed + General (technically, just a little note)

Paul holds Emma tight with 2 hands, but keeps 1 hand free when holding others (ie bill and charlotte)

Only tells General about Emma, not Ted or the Prof (tho to be fair, he hates ted and barely knows the prof but it’s interesting how he doesnt even say he has “friends”, just Emma)

America Is Great Again

Paul saves emma and Ted

“Should I take this chair?” asks paul to lead

Emma holds Paul’s arm when they run

She tries to pry “Greg”’s arm off Paul + tries to get Ted to help-not strong enough

“Thank you Emma”-she freed him/killed Greg? I wanna know what happened (i tweeted @ jon, lauren and nick asking, so far jon just liked it we’ll see if anyone answers)

Runs behind Emma + pushes her forward “run, emma, run!”-Emma grabs for Paul, he steps in front

He pulls her through Robert+Corey and turns her around

She pulls him away from the General-paul usually does the pulling to safety

Paul doesnt notice when Emma is grabbed by Ted (lmao i get that he’s a little busy but it still seems odd)

She struggles with 1, 3 are on Paul (not a sexist thing, she’s tiny and also Paul is the main character and the aliens know it plus they gotta do that cool lift thing)

Emma grabs gun + shoots the General, grabbing Paul-”Paul! The helicopter! Cmon!”

Usually Paul does that stuff, but emma takes the protective role more in the 2nd half of this song

Basically we have the classic paul protecting emma stuff but now also the emma protecting paul which is good and fresh and i love...the way she tries to protect paul is different than how he protects her. She yells more frantically, and also is more of trying to lead him whereas paul yells to get her attention and physically moves her himself

Helicopter Scene

He helps her onto the heli, back to his usual protective self

Keeps one hand on the back of her seat the whole time (aww he’s stabilizing himself physically cuz the copter’s shaky and emotionally cuz he’s closer to Emma)

“Emma, seatbelts” he reaches up to help her into her seat-he kicks the gun to save them

“Emma? Emma?” immediate response is to call out to her-that boy was literally awake less than a second before worrying about her i love him

Runs to her when he sees her

“”This is what seatbelts are for” in this scene he seems really like...over it? Idk if anyone else got that he just seemed really intent on destroying the meteor instead of anything to do with Emma… before saving their lives was priority but also spending time with her, here he nods like he’s trying to rush her and does not seem excited to kiss her (again, Paul hates kisses? ok that was a rant that got ahead of my notes but just-) this scene is weird to me like maybe he’s trying to rush to stop the meteor so they can be together after and like not die idk anymore

He reaches out for her, jumping away when she cries out in pain

The rest of the scene he has his hands hovering a few inches away from her, very protective but also very scared of hurting her

Emma comes up with the solution, Paul has to do it cuz she’s hurt (weak gal, strong man, injured person knows secret to survival and tells strong boi how to do it tropes)

“Hey, Paul?” slides over to him-he gingerly supports her back (scared to hurt her)

He shushes her to calm her while talking cuz she’s in pain- ok, maybe its less about “gotta get out of here” and more about “she’s hurt really badly and needs help asap, i gotta destroy that meteor so i can get help” ok that makes sense im dumb lmao

Emma is first to ask out + kiss me? + pulling him in by his tie- breakin stereotype of man making first move

Then the little “..okay..” after she asks him to kiss her...maybe he wanted it to be romantic aww he wanted them to have a real cute first kiss and this wasnt what he had planned (or he just doesn’t like kisses cuz like he looks so uncomfortable there’s gotta be a reason”

He doesnt wanna kiss her cuz of the blood (weak) and is happy to leave-this part is what throws me off most he just like runs on outta there with no hesitation but he loves her?? I dont get it

Dont really need a rant here cuz i did a lotta ranting in the points… excuse my little journey of discovery there lmao I was just confused at first cuz at face value he seems really different, super hell bent on getting out of there whereas in every other scene he pays way more attention to Emma. I suppose it’s because he knows he has to destroy the meteor asap so he can get her help, i just didnt catch that. His motivations seemed very different in this scene to me and i couldnt figure out why

Theory time

Now here’s the fun part-i saw a theory somewhere that Paul can only get infected because he has a true goal now, he really wants to end up with Emma. In What Do You Want, Paul? Mr. Davidson is trying to find out what he wants to use it as motivation to make him more susceptible to the virus/make him sing a song, but since Paul doesn’t want anything clearcut he cant be infected. Now, since Paul wants Emma, he has a goal and smth to fight for but also smth to sing about. The very reason he’ trying to save the world becomes the reason he fails.

HOWEVER. His goal could just as easily be saving the world cuz he literally doesnt bring emma up once? Like i get he’s preoccupied but idk if he’s about to die i feel like he’d at least mention her (unless he’s hoping they think she died and wont go looking for her if he fails) idk their romance is adorable until the scene before this and then these 2 scenes make it feel really off for me

Okay now onto the most fun scene >:) -since there’s so many details i separated them into actions and lyrics

Inevitable (Actions)

“Are you sure there weren’t any other survivors?” :(

“PEIP would like to see it become smth more” because she’s the love interest and they’re supposed to end up together ahhh it’s the alien talking

She grabs his arms to look him in the eyes then pulls him in for a hug (the cutest)

She’s v reluctant to believe it at first “Paul?” She’s still smiling for the first line

Slowly she starts to let herself see what’s happening “Paul, you’re scaring me”

She knows he’s infected but she’s trying her hardest to believe he could be playing a cruel joke

He has power over her physically- holds her where he wants her while they’re dancing

He dances with her at first, gestures to her to move closer, talks to her, moves towards dancing at her instead of with

He blocks her exit, pulls her to where he wants her and ignores her for part

This is where you can really tell he’s different. Paul would never ignore Emma, and he straight up ignores her to sing and dance

He points at her and then goes back to ignoring her

Emma starts sobbing and really trying to run

Emma is dragged to the center of the stage sobbing because she cant do anything

He drops character in credits, waving and smiling to the audience; she doesnt

He’s got physical power over her (strength) but also cuz he’s backed by all the aliens who can move her where she’s supposed to go

Inevitable (lyrics)

“Emma, I’m sorry, you lost.” couldnt kill aliens

“Lost your way” didnt want to join them

“I made it” ‘This is the life that I chose” “I’m still the man you trust” “what if the only choice is you had to sing to survive” “Put words to the lyrics and you’re playing the game now” -maybe he’s faking it (i also heard someone mention the fact that he sings in his natural voice and not the higher one he used for the Alien Brain in Let It Out which is a good catch) (also someone else brought up the fact that he was mostly singing reprises, maybe because he couldnt think up his own tune/entirely original lyrics?)

“It’s inevitable for us”-because she’s the love interest, it’s was inevitable that they’d wind up together

“Show me those jazz hands” He’s trying to convince her to join of her own free will

“or i might be inclined to plant my seed” but is willing to do it by force if she wont

This song is super interesting because of the parallels-he holds her the same way he did in previous songs, pulls and pushes her across the stage like before, but this time it’s turned against her. What was once meant as protection is now being used to force her to join the dance I talked more about this in my assignment but i dont wanna get too close to what i wrote before because it could get flagged for plagiarism and i do not want that so imma reblog this post alter and add my assignment for more info (if yall want anyway)

The lyrics could hint at Paul faking it, and it definitely appears that way (especially with the face he makes at “Im still the man you trust) but i think the part in the middle where he just kind of breaks off to dance really kills that idea for me. Even if he was trying to trick the aliens, he could have kept closer to Emma like he does every other time they’re in danger, and the fact that he straight up ignores her and lets the aliens move her around like that is just not in his character so apologies but i believe our man is gone

Also, regarding the theories that Emma is infected because of the beginning; I could see that happening, but in that case, why didnt she break character at the end? I have absolutely zero idea how/if the intro song fits into the story but idk i feel like she should’ve acted like the rest of them if she really was infected but on the other hand i really like the heartbreaking theory that they’re all infected and Paul just has to keep reliving the story of how he failed again and again for all eternity like ouch? But also? Its great in a painful way??

Um yeah so that’s that for my ranting (my 3 pages of notes became 7 pages with the rants included so sorry about that i just had so much to sayyyy

TLDR: paul and emma are cute thanks for coming to my ted talk

[teddy-feathers]

Me: having a fucking break down.

Ranting about issues that matter to me. Making mopey fucking comments.

I realize it happens frequently. I realize there's no help to be had. I realize i just have to muster up and do it... Or find an alternative solution.

But it makes it all the more noticable when she doesn't... Seem to notice. Or say anything. Or focuses on the wrong thing. Or how can you like every fucking post but miss the important ones. Or not worry on the times I'm radio silent.

Maybe raido silence from me is the expectation anymore. I dont know.

I dont think I've really paid attention the last several phone conversations we've managed just because I'm getting to the point I only have enough spoons to deal with so much emotional bag and I realize Ive already checked more than my fair amount but Im also dealing with my mom and my dad and work and having to fight off anxiety attacks before after and INSTEAD of social activities.

And i have other people who are going through a rough patch. And the shit with the car. Hell 99% of my recharge/ coping is just staring at Tumblr mindlessly. Cant even read or play video games without guilt or I just end up staring aimlessly at tumblr because tumblr wont make me feel things Im trying to not feel.

But... Nada you know?

No worried messages. Maybe an I love you but its more of "im lonely and i miss you pay attention to me" than "im worried about you"

I dont... Talk really. Or rant or vent or... Share. I'll make a couple of comments but really its just. Listening. Trying to maybe comment and being happy at least shes rambling about things shes enjoying and that things are going well.

And when there is a problem... I try to refocus. Dont panic, worry about what you can do. Youll get through this you have options and viable plans if you follow through. Distract until youve processed and calm - watch a funny thing. Or watch a sad thing so youll feel better after crying cause happy ending. Eat. Drink. Fluids. Rest. Itll turn out okay one way or another.

Then redirect convo to happier topics until she sounds a bit happier.

Her: sometimes i dont want solutions i just want to cry and have you tell me everythings going to be okay.

I just. I cant do that. What lie to you? What allow you to sit there and break down and do NOTHING to attempt to help? I cant even let people bitch without trying to "help" or "fix" things or at least explain something. And most of the time I'm barely okay emotionally I CANT handle other people breaking down and HELPLESS because EVERYTHING is terrible and there is no way out. I HAVE to try and find a way out. Usually with far too many words.

More to the point... Dating me has always been this huge thing. Like it matters to her. Because "I'm all she wants" ? But. I'm really not and I could list all sorts of things she wants and needs that I just. Dont. Do. Wont do.

It matters to her and it doesnt to me and we are best friends so what does it matter?

Only while it has fixed some problems because she's happy with that... I swear its just an idea, a possession of having me forever maybe? Idk. And of being in a relationship...

Long term it just isnt sustainable because of things like this.

She wants me to be jelly but she could date like a hundred people or sleep with them rn and I wouldnt care if she was happy healthy and they treated her right.

But... I feel like... I'm alway breaking down or having shit go wrong and she's never there, never notices, never says anything aside from... Irrelevant comments and I notice and feel that and try to give the benifit of the doubt because hell its not like we get a chance to bs very often and that is mostly my fault.

But she calls and I just. Cant. Sometimes. Or its all surface bs. Or it is cool stuff but I just... I'm glad shes happy.

Or she calls and I just cant but she sounds upset so i swallow it and try and then I get this bs.

Or I say hey i dont want to talk about xzy

Okay but one last thing -

Or hey i HAVE to go now

Awwwww okay but - keeps talking

Or its always some smarter last word feeling thing with her. She doesn't mean to but she treats people like theyre stupid.

Or how she got into a huge fight with my family on facebook amd neither side respected the fact I dont do face book and Im not getting in fucking volved just leave me out of it...

But she cant unfriend my fam cause that's "weird" even though it'd STOP shit like this from happening but yeah not apologizing to my aunt for some series fuck up on her part is okay.

I just. For the longest time I hated the idea of dating. Hated relationships because of all the bullshit and honestly I was never going to let anyone treat me the way dad and mom treat each other.

Then... I tried it. And it was terrifying amd fun but in retrospect I just like having friends. And dating amd friend stuff for me just. I do the same things. And sex I just dont want to have anything to do with me personally but Ive tried dating and sex and I'm back to the high school me standard of why bother?

And its honestly such a farce. I want my best friend happy. I am a people pleaser. I say nice things and mean them but... I say things and they make her sad whenever I bring them up like how I'm prob deff aro ace...

She wants to be special to me. An exception. Shes my best friend but ive told her so many times I dont love her the way she loves me, and that its not ENOUGH and shes just like "no its enough" while asking for more whether she realizes it or not.

I'm bad at relationships in general but Ive always been tired of my friendship not being enough for people. For me wanting to grow that bond is everything but I can't keep friends because I'm me and even my best friend is only my best friend because THIS is what she wanted and I gave it to her and somehow I'm still fucking this up.

[spikycharlotte]

:0 all of them

y’all better strap in

four jews in a room bitching / what’s your favorite stereotype for your religion?

haha i don’t really identify with one in particular? so i’m not sure.

a tight-knit family / who do you consider family?

i for sure believe “blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” while i do have family members whom i do love and am proud to call family, i don’t think the question is calling for that.

my best friends are like family to me, and i’d do anything for them. i also have a mentor/teacher, and he and his wife are like second parents to me.

love is blind / what makes a healthy relationship?

C O M M U N I C A T I O N ! ! ! you should NEVER be lying to your s/o!! and if your s/o does something you’re not comfortable with/makes you upset, TELL THEM! you shouldn’t be stewing, but also don’t enter the conversation angry and accusatory. and on the flip side, if your s/o comes to you with something you did, LISTEN TO THEM. apologize and explain yourself, even if it was just a misunderstanding! avoid becoming defensive. 

the thrill of first love / what’s something you’d kill for?

answered here!

marvin at the psychiatrist / do you ever feel like no one is listening to you when you talk?

i used to feel this way all the time, but i’ve recently become comfortable with saying, “excuse me, i was speaking” when i’m spoken over. also i find myself in lots of leadership positions in my day-to-day, so i’m pretty good at making myself heard.

my father’s a homo / could you/would you want to be president?

the idea (a loud, genderqueer, butch lesbian with the conscience to do the best for others) sounds great, but i’m not the person that fits that description to be president. i’m infj, so i’ve got the teacher personality, and that’s what i want to do!

everyone tells jason to see a psychiatrist / do people nag you consistently about something? if so, what?

this is such a #relatableteen answer but my room is a goddamn mess and my mom nags me on the daily to clean it (something i never do)

this had better come to a stop / what’s something people do that infuriates you?

i talked about this a little bit, but when people come to me with relationship issues and the issue could resolved so easily if instead of coming to me and telling me, they just went to their s/o. a problem cannot be resolved through outside sources.

i’m breaking down / what makes you crazy/pushes you over the edge?

answered here!

please come to our house / what was the last thing you did to help someone?

ummm to fit with the “therapy” theme of this the other night i helped a friend when she needed to vent about some crappy home things. 

jason’s therapy / what’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given?

i resent this question being with this song!!! i think mendel’s “feel alright” advice (while flawed) at its core is actually kind of pure and good! of course the way he gives it is bad (ignore your problems!)

but worst advice i’ve ever been given was i asked a friend towards the beginning of my last relationship if i should continue it and she said i should, and it ended much later and i was very unhappy throughout most of it. so that was pretty shitty. (i now have a very wonderful girlfriend who is currently having me answer all of these questions :-))

a marriage proposal / how would you want to be proposed to?

actually something very similar to how mendel does it! something private and lowkey, and just having someone word vomit their love for me sounds very cute and endearing.

however i always thought of myself as the one who would propose, so there’s that

a tight-knit family (reprise) / are you satisfied with what you have in life, or do you want more?

well as a student in high school it’s kind of hard to be satisfied, because there’s so much i want to do but i can’t as my student-ness prevents me from doing so.

but considering my place in life, i think i am quite happy!! i have a great gf, great friends, and i’m kind of excited for this school year!

trina’s song / what’s the worst interaction you’ve had with the opposite gender?

every interaction i’ve ever had with a male human being ever in my life. i could go on and on. but one that comes to mind is how one time a dude went on this huge rant during a teacher’s lecture about freud’s psychosexual theories about how homosexuality is an unnatural choice, all while continuing to glance at me to make sure he got his desired reaction

march of the falsettos / who’s the most immature person you know, and why?

um i know plenty, but the worst are some of my younger very intelligent female friends who are more focused on their boyfriends than their academics, which while i love and support them infuriate me to no end.

trina’s song (reprise) / have you ever settled for something better than you’d expected, but not as good as you’d hoped?

while this worked out for trina, as she soon would realize that mendel would be as good as she hoped, settling for less than you hope is never a good thing. 

i’ve always thought this, so i can’t really think of any examples

the chess game / what’s the most petty thing you’ve ever done?

perfect question for this song, op. 

i’ve done a lot of petty things in my life, bc i think everyone does. very recently though a girl was annoying the hell out of me trying to get me to tell her the answers for our summer hw and i gave her the entirely wrong answers.

making a home / how different are you in public than in private?

my personality is very much the same, but i’m obviously more in public. i don’t swear as much. and in private i talk to myself and sing loudly all the time which doesn’t make much sense to do in public

the games i play / do you ever wish you were doing more than you currently are?

constantly. i’m in high school so my options are grossly limited. i’m super excited to go to college and begin my teaching career. i just really want to help people!!

marvin hits trina / have you ever hated someone for being happy?

before i was in a better place like i am now, i really resented my best friend for getting a boyfriend for a while. but now i’m fine and very happy for the both of them.

i never wanted to love you / have you ever liked something you knew was bad? have you stopped?

um in middle school i liked sup/erwhol/ock despite the problematicness of them all (the other two more so than d/octor w/ho), if that’s what this means.

father to son / what is your relationship with your parents?

i love my mom a lot, she’s great. she had me in high school, and my bio dad split when he found out i existed, so i’ve never met him, but i also have no interest in doing so. i love my (step) dad a lot, but our relationship is kind of strained bc i don’t think he fully understands my being gay (even though he’s not rude or anything about it)

falsettoland/about time / do you use labels?

i actually quite like labels ? i like legitimizing my identity by finding out that other people feel the same way, and therefore have worked to put a name to it.

that’s also why i kind of like the femme/butch scale even though it was initially a joke, bc it acknowledges that not every lesbian is lipstick OR stone butch, and idk i kinda like it. but i do hate when nonlesbians ,,,,,, use it ,,,,,,, to describe lesbians,,,,, bc,,, it’s not for them…..

year of the child / when was the last time everything was about you?

idk prob my birthday parties… i don’t like being the perfect center of attention, i feel uncomfortable

miracle of judaism / what’s the last significant decision you had to make?

oh geez idk. i don’t make a lot of those… i can’t think of one right now.

the baseball game / do you play/like sports? which ones?

i do not like them really… i like badminton tho… that’s more of an activity and not a sport though

a day in falsettoland / what’s your daily routine like? 

during the summer, i wake up and fart around on the internet, unless i have somewhere to be. all the while texting maggie all day

everyone hates his parents / what was the last thing your parents did that pissed you off?

my mom is a really bad backseat driver. like swearing and anger is her brand of backseat driving. so it makes me super anxious and angry hearing someone constantly bitch while i’m trying to drive

what more can i say? / are you in love? have you ever been in love? what is it like? 

answered here! 

something bad is happening / do you get frustrated when you don’t know something?

yes i do. its a problem, especially as i’m on academic team

more racquetball / are you a sore loser/winner?

yes yes yes. mariokart comes to mind in particular. if i lose it was lagging or too many items were unfairly sent my way, or if i win everyone else sucks and i’m the best

holding to the ground / how do you react when things don’t go as planned?

i’m not the best. i’m a huge control freak, so when things don’t work out perfectly i freak out

days like this / are you an optimist, a pessimist, or a realist?

i think i’m like an.. optimistic realist? like i’m a realist, but with that i’m more likely to say “the worst case scenario is this, so at least that’s not happening”

canceling the bar mitzvah / how do you react under pressure?

i get stressed, but i also get my work done, so good and bad

unlikely lovers / do you have any friends who are extremely different from you?

yeah, a lot actually! i have one friend who listens to hard core rock stuff and has a bunch of piercings and has never listened to a musical in her life and i also have friends super into gymnastics and cheerleading and stuff. i love my friends!!

another miracle of judaism / if you could have anything right now, what would it be?

maggie, next to me

something bad is happening (reprise) / have you ever had to deliver some really bad news? how did it go? 

i had to explain to someone the oak/great comet drama, which was not fun. but i don’t think i’ve ever had to break super terrible bad news, especially not like what charlotte had to tell her best friend

you gotta die sometime / are you afraid of dying/death?

i don’t know…? the idea of nothingness is for sure daunting

jason’s bar mitzvah / what was the last big event you attended?

the other day i went to the first practice of the year for academic team! theres a lot of us and we had pizza and played and whatnot

falsettoland (reprise) / what do you want your legacy to be?

i just want people to remember me as someone who did their best to help others

[i-amusemyself]

All of the 'Get to Know Me'.

Aaaah tysm!!!

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

(Jokes on you I only usually have 3 songs on repeat at any one time :’-D ) Atm though: Work Song - Hozier, Rats- Miw, Wastelands- Amber Run, Dragula- Rob Zombie, Fireflies- Owl city (yh really), To build a home- The cinematic orchestra.

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

I…don’t know. I’m really not that into meeting ‘idols’ or anything. I guess it’d be pretty cool to meet Kaitlyn Alexander but honestly I’m not sure the anxiety would be worth it.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“It’s a body,” I said, “A dead body.” lmao

4: What do you think about most?

I imagine what life is going to be like when I get to uni or who/what it’ll be that finally makes me happy.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“Off to stuff my face with chinese food, talk to you later bro”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Clothes on unless it’s above 25 degrees bc I don’t wanna die (like that)

7: What’s your strangest talent?

Lmaooo talent?! Me?! Idk I’m learning how to do special effects makeup and a couple of people have said its p cool. Also I can do this weird thing with my tongue where it basically rolls in on itself (seems to be genetic)

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are all ethereal goddesses out of my league.

Boys are not my area of expertise.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

As if lmao! Ain’t no one ever liked me that much.

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

I can’t remember so I did it just now to make up for it.

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

I hate cuddly toys with battery packs in them with a passion.

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

Nooo

13: What’s your religion?

Don’t have one, I’m an atheist.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Cleaning up my rabbits’ mess.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind it I think

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Honestly it depends on the time of day, when I last ate, the luna cycle… I genuinely don’t have one I can’t answer that

17: What was the last lie you told?

Um, I lied about what I watched on TV last night lmao

18: Do you believe in karma?

I’m not sure, I kinda just hope it exists and that helps keep me sane.

19: What does your URL mean?

It’s pretty self explanatory lmao

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

I don’t know, for the weakness I’m torn between caring too much and saying the wrong thing.

And I wouldn’t call it a major strength but I have a lot of patience.

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

I don’t know (I barely have an interest in anything atm), given I have an entire fanblog dedicated to them I’ll say Kaitlyn Alexander again

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Nope not yet

23: How do you vent your anger?

I have a personal blog ( @the-emotional-equilibrium​ ) that I rant on

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

I have an embarrassing number of kermit memes on my phone

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Video chatting for sure, I like to be able to see people’s faces (also I hate phone calls they’re too awkward).

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

I think I’m a work in progress really. I’m happier with myself than I used to be, but there’s always things I want to change or could improve on and I know I’m never going to be perfect.

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

I hate the sound of fabric being ripped, it makes me shiver but I love, idk, that sound when you’re just lying outside and you can hear the birds and stuff. Idk, I don’t listen to much besides music.

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

Argh, erm, I wonder how different life would have been if I’d learnt to stand up for myself earlier. I’d probably have fewer regrets.

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Ghosts I’m really not sure about. Up until recently I would’ve said no, but honestly I don’t know what to believe anymore. As for aliens they’re definitely real.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right arm: A cushion on the sofa. Left arm: The wall. Exciting right?

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Chicken! (Making lunch atm)

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

Lmfaooooo idk???? Not a physical place anyway. When I was really little I once had to stand outside in the snow for about 3 hours and I remember being pretty sure I was gonna die, like it was such a horrible feeling being that cold.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

East coast! I mean, that’s just based on where my friend lives and nothing else but

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Lmfao opposite?! Okay so let’s just assume that means a guy but erm? Idk? Okay I admit I have a slight thing for half the guys in MIW so lets just go with that

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

To have the best time possible and end it with minimal regrets. Also to try to help other people to have a better time to.

36: Define Art.

Stuff you can look at that takes actual talent and imagination.

37: Do you believe in luck?

Not really? I mean sometimes I might consider things Unlucky but tbh I have no idea what I mean by that.

38: What’s the weather like right now?

Pretty boring tbh, it’s just a grey sky with a bit of a breeze.

39: What time is it?

2:49 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I passed my test a few months back but I haven’t driven since so thankfully I haven’t had a chance to crash yet

41: What was the last book you read?

The 5 people You Meet in Heaven….and that was last July smh

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Love it. It’s the smell of my childhood.

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Most people at school call me Scaz and most my friends outside of school refer to me as Chorlo. (or Wholemeal Chorlo if your name is ellie)

44: What was the last film you saw?

I watched Shrek 2 last night lmfao I forgot how good it was!!

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

I’ve broken quite a few bones but I’m lucky never to have done anything awful. Um, the worst was probably when I broke my elbow or when I tore my side open on a nail jumping off a fence.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Aaah yeah I used to catch them every summer!

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

I guess I’m between obsessions at the minute; though I’m kind of hooked on supernatural ngl

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

Fuck knows. Not straight. I defo like girls but idk about guys.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

Multiple smh. This one girl once spread a rumor I was a lesbian and I was gay for her (before I even came out) and tbh she’d have been lucky. (She was kinda obsessed with me, she was probs suppressing something). It did kinda ruin my confidence though because of all the reactions so I didn’t come out for another 2 years.

50: Do you believe in magic?

I don’t know what to believe anymore, but I’m kind of open to learning more about it.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Yeah smh. I have a pretty high Grudge Threshold in that I give people a lot of chances but once they reach that level there’s no going back and I won’t forget what they did.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Libra

53: Do you save money or spend it?

I either save it for months or blow my savings in an hour.

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

A bus ticket?

55: Love or lust?

Love defo

56: In a relationship?

As if lmao

57: How many relationships have you had?

Three, but none of them lasted that long

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Nope

59: Where were you yesterday?

At home all day working

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

I’m sitting on a pink sofa lol

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

Yeaaah, one is glittery the other has skulls on which sums me up pretty well tbh

62: What’s your favourite animal?

I love so many animals I don’t know!! Capybaras? Alpacas? Giraffes? Chimps? Idk?!

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Lmaoooo I have no idea I haven’t found it yet

64: Where is your best friend?

3918 miles away on the east coast of the USA (I get to see her in 9 days though I’m so excited!!)

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

(I won’t tag them but in no particular order) Pansexi-unicorn, onetinygay, shrekthelesbian, oneshappyplace and only-slightly-dangerous

66: What is your heritage?

I’m white as a toilet m8. Nah a lot of my family comes from Denmark/scandinavia which you can kind of tell from looking at me tbh

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Sleeping. Sorry that’s not more interesting.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

I think it’s like, double barrel as in May-Trump or something

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

Maybe..

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Errrm, sort of? I try to make an effort, so that’d be nice. But I’m so quiet and shy sometimes that if I was friends with myself we’d probably never talk lmao

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dog, no doubt about it. If my boss is that much of a dick I’ll probably lose my job sooner or later, so I might as well lose it helping out a doggo.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) I’d tell the people closest to me, but maybe not straight away depending on how I thought they’d react.

b) I’d probably blow my saving and go travelling. I mean, what else is there to do? Oh and finish bingewatching all my shows at that time bc dying on a cliffhanger would really piss me off.

c) Maybe a little? Just because once you die you’re alone with whatever the hell comes after (pun not intended).

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Argh?! Trust? I guess? No point having love if you can’t trust people.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men and Fireflies by Owl City. They both bring on such nostalgia.

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

6666 as far as the internet is concerned.

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Just like, having someone you can chill with and open up to. Someone where you don’t have to care about embarrassing yourself with or worry about constantly because you trust them. Just like, a super cool friendship but with kissing.

77: How can I win your heart?

Don’t be afraid to be yourself I guess. I love interesting people that don’t pretend to be someone else. Also interesting people with swords.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Who am I to answer that? Idk, I suppose yeah.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Cutting off shitty people and actually valuing myself enough to find new friends.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

7 (could be a lot worse given my height)

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Something along the lines of “I’m just dormant” or “Nothing is set in stone.”

82: What is your favourite word?

Un sacapuntas

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Break

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

“I amuse myself” or “what the fuck”

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Alive (i think its called) by Sia

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

Black, red and purple

87: What is your current desktop picture?

It’s a galaxy spacey thing

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

I’m torn between Putin and Kim Jong Un (no need to worry about Trump, I’m sure someone already has a plan.)

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

The third question in my inbox rn lmao

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

(I was so tempted to say “ask if they prefer being the big or little spoon” why am I like this)

Idk id probs strike up a convo whilst looking around the room for the best weapon just in case.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Hmmm, I think mind reading would be useful but it might make my anxiety even worse! So that or teleportation.

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Any half hour when I wasn’t stressed about exams lmao (bonus if the weather was good)

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

A guy did something that I wish he hadn’t and I’m still fucked up by it sooo that.

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

I honestly don’t know, it’s not something I’ve thought about with “music-celebrities” lmao

Edit: Hold up I’ve just remembered Halsey exists.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

The place I’m going in 9 dayyys!! (Or Copenhagen)

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not that I know of.

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

When I was really little and hopefully never again

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yup a couple of times

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

For fucks sake can’t you all just educate yourselves and get along? Stop. Killing. Each. Other.

[babygirlgiles]

personal life rant below the cut, I guess. tw: abuse, trauma

Wow, I just??? Have so many??? Things??? Going on???

Like I’m actually sitting in bed with Chopin nocturnes on the bluetooth speaker on the brink of tears because my life has been the perfect shitstorm of everything all at once. And it would be fine?? If it wasn’t??? For my mother???

For context, in the next ten days I have four papers and three job applications due. Normally, that would be stressful and I’d be beyond burnt out by the end but yeah, it’d be manageable, I did basically the same thing earlier in the semester so I’m not too concerned. I cut my family out of my life completely about a month ago but let’s be real I probably hadn’t talked to anyone in my family for about a month before that. It’s been hard but tbh at the same time it’s bizarrely easy to bury my guilt prob because the joy and relief at not having to interact with people who abused me throughout my whole childhood, who actually had no business raising not just me but multiple children (not just bc shitty abusive people but??? poverty??? like abject poverty that).

(Let’s not all forget my therapist said last session that she was able to get in contact with the three different trauma therapy programs that rejected me and they all said it was because I was actually too traumatized. Like that shit is embedded too deep for any kind of short term program, no matter how intensive. Literally what kinda fuckin PTSD have you gotta give someone to where a program run by some place called The Victims of Crime Association is like nah)

ANYWAY. My mom used my school email (my whole ass school email that she probably had from years ago but whatever) to email me and be like “Why are you cutting me out of your life? Can you at least give me an explanation? Don’t you at least owe me that?” And like??? No. I don’t owe you anything. And I moved on.

But that night (Sunday) I had fucking rough nightmares and I mean I woke up screaming and then cried for a while and just decided to stay up until my alarm. Just reliving the actual physical pain of being beat up constantly, plus the constant fear and instability like... even writing this right now my breath got short and I feel anxious. And my dream brother said that things had only gotten worse since I’d left and that my father had broken his jaw-- which, like, I am guilt-ridden now.

Also I thought I was going to die at work today like I thought my heart was going to give out from the sheer horribleness of it all. Okay, so I’m in a one-on-one with my boss (I hate this person with an actual fiery passion, btw, and have for a while so that’s nothing new).They don’t know details but they know that I’m involved in some kind of situation that involves me being under school and police protection. For example, any information about me is on lock down. Like, a fellow student or even a professor can’t look up my school email and if they were to, for example, call the Registrar and ask, I’m immediately alerted.

Because of the actual literal protection I am under from the actual, literal government, my case manager here suggested “hey, maybe having a Facebook isn’t the best idea?” and it makes sense bc even though I never use it, even if I like accidentally check-in somewhere yeah that’s fuel to the fire. So I did what the school administration did and deleted my Facebook. So flash forward actual, literal WEEKS and I ask my boss a question. “Check the Facebook,” they say, with Facebook clearly open on their desktop (mind you this is the same boss who was two hours late to a meeting yesterday that was ultimately rescheduled to today that they were 45 minutes late to AGAIN). I say I no longer have Facebook. This does not come up again for actual WEEKS.

Flash forward weeks AGAIN. Today in my one-on-one this boss tells me I should really make a new Facebook so I can do work with it. I explain (for the 100000th time) that I cannot bc LITERAL POLICE PROTECTION. They tell me to use a fake name and use the work logo for the profile picture and like, yeah, sure, guess I could. I tell this boss that it would actually make me so uncomfortable though because, even though I know it’s safe, it would really fuck with my paranoia.

But this self proclaimed radical queer tells me that it’s an unfair distribution of labor if I don’t spend the 3 minutes making my own Facebook events and that I should then give it a try. Because fuck my peace of mind I guess. Anyway, later in the meeting they say that we should come together as a staff to help me the event I just created and organized (not with any of the space reservations or people coordinating mind you, but with the DECORATING) because it would be a fair way to distribute the labor. But it’s too much to ask for someone to make two Facebook events for me so I can keep the small thread of my sanity? I have never understood true anger until that moment. But whatever, I guess.

So yeah, I’ve felt on edge basically since. Here are a multitude of examples:

Had more nightmares last night and this morning when I was walking down the hall to the bathroom I was so scared I actually had to remind myself that I was safe over and over.

Bad OCD habits cropping back up (oh my fucking god if only I could tell you how dirty my hands have felt for absolutely 0 reason the past few days). 

Been snippy and irritable to people around me. I got drunk for the first time in... months the other night.

When a girl said something stupid in class today (and it was actually asinine, she said that white flight was “a return to community values” like okay, sweaty) I couldn’t stop myself from actively grimacing and I don’t normally have this much of an issue not being an ass.

When someone said “have a good day to me this morning”, I wanted to snap back for no good reason (when I looked a little further into this thought I turned up “I don’t deserve happiness” as the reason which is wild like classic 2011 Elliot bullshit.

But let’s be real. Okay, sure, maybe these are some small examples of little fuck ups triggered by weird circumstances but normally this shit doesn’t affect me at all. I go days without thinking about it lately, especially not having contact with these people. It’s just been the perfect shit storm of shitty papers plus shitty job plus shitty mother.

I think on the whole though I’m really happy. Like, I’ve been able to recover from a lot and create a full and meaningful life for myself. I take care of myself in a multitude of ways. I’m just gonna list some here so I can like finish this 20 page venting essay no one will read and then feel better.

I go to the gym and then exercise in healthy ways

And then after exercising in non-maladaptive ways, I eat meals to replenish

I go to sleep at a reasonable hour every night so I can go to the gym and then have a good day

I light all the candles in my room so it smells good. I also keep my room tidy because it makes me feel good

I listen to soothing music

I am studying a subject that I love and having thoughtful conversations with my professors and fellow students on the material and honestly it’s the best

I work with two researchers and not only do I #makemoney, I get to look into super interesting stuff

Also I’m loved by my friends and adults in my life so that’s pretty lit

Top surgery is basically right around the corner

So it my name/gender marker change

T is going great!!

I shower everyday which may seem like a small thing but that’s some #NewYearNewElliot shit

I take my meds (what a concept)

I don’t drink myself into a coma four nights a week anymore like wow??? Sobriety???

I’m going to finish with a degree I want, surrounded by people who love me, very soon and that’s 10/10

Anyway, this will pass and it’ll be fine so yeah.

[sorbet-hydratante]

...So time has passed since then.

Well.

I’m no longer the President. Technically I’m no longer a part of the group, although I’m still the Primary Contact- even though nominations were held, in the end no one was really elected President. So we don’t really have a President, but rather an Interim-President until further notice. If I had forseen this, I wonder if I would have stepped down after all....

Oh, yeah. In case I forgot to mention, I ended up stepping down.

I started off by writing from the beginning of what happened, but I decided for the better that I need not do that. I’m just here to vent, so I should do just that.

Basically, I stepped down because I couldn’t take it anymore. Not because of responsibilities or typical club duties, but rather because of what happened back in February. What happened was, I ended up removing ‘her’ off the roster as she had acted like she could make a meeting I was trying to hold that day. Even though things with one person were settled, I still tried to hold a meeting with her because we needed to talk about her actions. It was then she got stiff and short with me. And so I gave her the choice of either coming to the meeting, or being taken off the roster.

And yeah, I probs could’ve been more clearer on the matter. But she could’ve asked for more clarification too.

First she rants off ‘Take me off the roster!’, so I did. Then the next day she claims that what I did was Unconstitutional (as our group has a Constitution) and that she continued to make complaints, calling me a tyrant, saying this thing and that... And this just continues throughout the weekend.

And reading her comments, trying to read past the lies she kept spewing to make herself look the part of a diligent, innocent member and I, a horrible leader... Just trying to find what she was really trying to say, and looking back on my memories and all the things she’s ever said to me, I came to a realization.

Even from my first day as President, or even before then... she never believed in me. She never believed that I could do the job right. When we had a meeting later on and she asked me if I could handle it, I could sense it.

Beforehand, she was going on about guilty she felt because she ‘knew of my mental health’ and she apparently was worried that I’d kill myself from this stress, that she had cried to her boyfriend about how guilty she felt, just ask him!

.....It sounded nothing more than self-pity to me. Even though she had started crying, and my VP got a bit emotional as well, I just could not feel that same sentiment. Of us three, I was the only one who didn’t get emotional. Shouldn’t I though, as this was supposed to be about my mental well-being...?

I hated that she brought that up. Maybe she truly was worried but... it makes me disgusted, at the same time.

But anyway, yeah. I kept feeling that she didn’t have any faith in me whatsoever. She mentioned that it took her a long time for her to start trusting me again, but then she’s about as wishy-washy as I am so I dunno. She didn’t believe in me, she didn’t have faith in me.... I doubt she ever trusted me much either, since last year’s fiasco. I keep finding in my memories that her comments were rather passive-aggressive... very much coated in sweetness, but down to the core is a very bitter taste. Almost like she wanted me around her thumb. Almost like she wanted me under her wing so that she could slowly inflict as much punishment as she would like onto me without making it seem like so, so that she could always have the satisfaction that I would always be beneath her, be below her, to be stuck and to never truly grow out.

....What a horrible feeling, at that.... how did I stand being her friend for this long...?

At this point, I no longer want to be friends with her. She truly is manipulative, toxic, almost borderline-abusive. Explosive, reactive, negative, full of drama, will refuse to take blame and responsibility, will instead try to justify her own actions no matter what.

At the end of it all, she claims to want to be back on the roster. So we say, we can do that, we can work on that.

But thus, no matter the outcome (in which the outcome was her claiming that she had moved on; essentially, she won’t be back to club), I ultimately decided to step down. The situation had worn me down to this point. I feel there was nothing else I could do for this club, if even being in the highest position I was shot back down like I was last year. I can’t bring myself to care for this club anymore, as I find myself even now wishing for its death. It deserves a leader who will care.

I wonder though, if I had stayed. Maybe she still would’ve pushed to be back on the roster. She’s kind of a child like that.

And on my end since, up to this recent point, I’ve been doing okay. It was like a weight that had been on me for a long time had been lifted off of me. It was nice to finally feel like I could leave her drama-ass behind, even though I still feel kinda angry and bitter and all that jazz.

But, one of my Officers (and my friend at that) received another text from her, and suffice enough to say it wasn’t exactly pleasant. So now it’s like we’re right back to where we were earlier, and I’m just.

One half of me is “I have no more fucks left to give. Be gone, thot. Away with ye. Eat some memes.”

The other half of me is filled with rage at the thought, or rather, possibility of her sending that same kind of bullshit to me, again. And I’m at the point where I could potentially go off on her, because at this point it feels like there’s nothing much else I could do to ease the situation as she is a person who is set in her ways and she’ll always view herself as more important than others.

But I’m trying. Swearing to the goddesses above that I am trying to be as civil as I can be, as I know deep down that my anger will only worsen it, no matter how badly I want to lash out at her, no matter how unfair I feel it is that she’ll do that at us over and over again and us keep having to just take it. I’m trying my hardest, even though my patience is wearing thin.

I’ve sent her a text, with a statement at the bottom asking that there be no more messages. She hasn’t replied yet and I’m hoping it stays that way, although it probably won’t.

.......But it would be nice if it did.