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Happy tdov to fat trans people. 🏳️⚧️ Biggest thing that helped me as a trans kid was seeing older fat trans people. There were a lot of really irritating "advice" posts going around early in my time on the internet with a lot of misinformation in them, but one that I constantly saw (in addition to people claiming you should wear your pants rediculously low or only wear button ups) were posts saying you had to lose weight to transition. Can confidently confirm that is completely untrue. 👍
#seal.txt#tdov#that 'sky and mike' image of the two old trans dudes hugging was one that I had saved to my phone as a trans teen#and i would look at it sometimes and just wonder how they had made it#idk its just nice knowing we live that long and its not a requirement to be skinnyin order to be respected and loved and get old#some of the old 'advice' posts i saw were really completely bizarre and a lot of them stick with me to this day in insecurities#this would have been 2016 ish tumblr so i know not that long ago but i would have been around 13 for reference#weird that i remember so many of the things i read back then. i could probably fill a post with things i was misinformed on due to Tumblr#specifically tumblrs run by people that i didnt really have the knowledge or awareness to understand probably didnt have my best interests#like 'trans rights ' blogs i would follow and not notice until much later were quite the opposite#this is the consequence of viewing social media before i knew all the secret codewords and my brain was much less developed than it is now
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i've never really made a comic before, well, i have, but nothing i had intention to show anyone else
#silverware's art#undertale yellow#uty clover#tumblr better not make this look like a fucking jpeg#the only reason i'm actually posting this is because i really like the backgrounds#ignore the wobbly ass lines. i don't like actually lining things so i just did it like that on the same layer as the sketch#fun fact about this! i did each panels comoring on one layer#background and everything!!#i like the last 2 rows the best. they just look neat to me (though. it is my art so that's kinda to be expected)#the pacing is probably terrible. but eh. it's fine. not gonna NOT post the thing i spent multiple hours on over 2 days#anyways. ignore my rambling in the tags. it's just something i do now. sorry i guess#(not really. it is my post so. y'know. i can do this)#plus! you clicked “show more” so you signed up for a lot of tags
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I think it would be really funny if rin was the more helpful one around his house. Like u would think rin would be the disrespectful one who always bails on housework or mass but its actually yukio who would always have an excuse not to go or forget about chores to the point that rin just does them instinctively now
#this post lagged my phone so bad i had to save it as a draft and switch it to my computer#god is trying to stop me from spreading my 'yukio is an atheist' ideals#anyway this extends to when they live together and when they are adults to the point that rin comes over and does all the chores for yukio#cuz this created an oroboros since rin always did them as a kid now yukio doesnt have them in his brain#he tries his best tho he would neveradmit (at least in highschool) that hes kind of a boyfailure at housework#rin is a homemaker this is my truth#rin is like kinda resentful but not enough to act on it and its so deep down he doesnt even realize its there#like yeah its kinda fucked up that he would ask yukio for help setting things up for mass or doing the laundry but yukio has a busy scedule#and hes wayy smarter than rin so obviously he shouldnt waste his time on stuff like that but rin would never voice those in a negative way#rin doesnt hate helping his brother tho if yukio asked him to come over and clean his house everyday forever he would probably do it#its just the principal of yukio being a perfect angel and rin not getting any credit cuz hes doing 'thankless jobs'#and yukio kinda feels bad even tho he really did have things to do he just couldnt tell rin cuz it was exorcist work#im just writing fanfiction now#accept my okumura twin fanfiction headcanons#blue exorcist#ao no exorcist#yukio okumura#rin okumura#'blue exorcist' 'ao no exorcist' yukio okumura' 'rin okumura' are my most used tags on tumblr#am i in your hearts yet blue exorcist tumbr?🥺
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I got really curious about something while catching up on notifs and now I have to know:
I don't remember everyone's handles so please reblog this so more people see it! Thanks :)
#I'm all caught up now!#well caught up on tumblr#I have other things I must do but I'll probably do them on Sunday?#I had to skip a whole bunch of picrew chains to be able to get through my notifs in a reasonable amount of time (it took a little over#an hour I think? I don't exactly remember when I started but I was talking to gabe during it and those messages were from an hour ago)#so sorry about that#feel free to tag me in more chains I promise I'll get to them next time#google#google posting#google is the best search engine#LSKJFLKDSJF OH RIGHT THE FICS I STILL NEED TO READ THE FICS AHH#hey google make a list for things I need to do on sunday
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we lost the game but i won in looking cracked in front of strangers so did we (i) really lose (yes)
#overwatch#overwatch 2#hanzo#potgs#im tagging my potgs now because im a loser and the potgs ill share will prob have some stupid silly story with them#also this was just kinda sicko ... i dont have friends so im sharing my ow highlights with tumblr ...#maybe ill actually start switching up my highlight intros then if im gonna start sharing potgs ... gotta mix it up and all ...#this is a lie the only thing that will change is the skin i use i love the cupids kiss highlight intro too much. so silly ..#>says he barely uses the cupid skin >is using cupid skin#LISTEN I ACKNOWLEDGED HOW LITTLE I USED IT also i didnt get the drake master skin and i like being thematical with my skins for maps ..#cupid's gonna have to be our next best bet for. medieval germany JVLAERKJVKLJ#I DIDNT KNOW DRAKE MASTER WAS A SKIN IT CAME OUT WHEN I WAS ON HIATUS AND ITS SO COOL IM MAD#not like id be able to get it anyway probably but still ... its the principal ..#anyway Disgusting idk what demon comes over me durin shit like this im not this consistent#AT THE START OF THE MATCH TOO I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW WE LOST THE FIRST POINT AFTER THIS#LIKE WE DIDN'T EVEN CAP- THE TEAM WAS WIPED AFTER THIS I GOT THAT KIRIKO AND SOLIDER A LIL AFTER THSI#i exhausted all of my bullshitting energy into this clip and fumbled the rest i fear#i still appreciate our zen saying i was insane tho ... ty king ...
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fuck it sk8 sketches from da sketchbook. get sk8ed idiot
#sk8 the infinity#kyan reki#hasegawa langa#renga#sure whatever. tagging ship is probably easier than explaining what the fucks up with these two in my head#hi. I watched sk8 with my friend cosme a while ago. I actually dont care about the allegations that much I just got#blasted with teenage years flashback. and now I need reki to have everything on earth and be well#these have been around for like a week lol Ive just been debating posting them to tumblr. bc like. Im not finishing these lol#hesitant to call sk8 ''therapeutic'' but boy oh boy. does it make me confront some stuff. yes a sport anime leave me alone!!!#its just. I think I was this way about raz too actually. listen I have History with Stuff. I'm allowed ok? I'm totally allowed#u can See it in some of these doodles actually. this fuckign anime got me so unwell#hey. if ur a fellow adhd potentials-havers out there. ur a real one. thanks for still hangin out doin what u love/ur best#if u were an 'if u wanna do art u have to be excellent and high-art at it otherwise it means nothing' kid. I am holding ur hand#I'll be normal now I prommy (lying)#well. what I'll be doing now is taking a nap. maybe. gods my schedule backslid like four hours again#eh whatever. I go to bed anyway. got my portion of the day done and tomorrow I go buy new knife#hope someone come give me a new table top and lower the whole thing a bit soon. so I can stop sitting like Im in a shopping cart#have a good night lads. have fun. its imperative
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that feeling when you're a cyberpunk hallucinogenic bean caterpillar
#that is the best way anyone has ever described my art /gen#so thank you mushroom :D#this was the first thing I saw when I checked tumblr after freaking out about something#(i was probably having a panic attack????? but I feel like i'm not allowed to say that for some reason)#I.N.V is now the cyberpunk hallucinogenic bean caterpillar in my mind#Illuminates Northern Valleys: The cyberpunk hallucinogenic bean caterpillar with emotional baggage#Yippee#anyway seeing that helped a lot so yay#rw I.N.V au
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Poor Dream, enjoying his days with friends on the server, wearing friendship bracelets gifted to him, and filling many scrapbooks and journals with all the special moments he cherishes with his friends....not even realizing how many would not just turn on him but seek to kill him in the most painful ways they could think of when the plan was enacted
#this shit is finally done#this took literally forever lmao#and the best part is i probably learned nothing about why i shouldn't overcomplicate things#and i will definitely make my next piece overcomplicated too#anyway i really do like the premise tho#like ideally i wanna eventually have character sheets for all the characters i normally write#with versions for pre post and prison dream#and i wanted to just show how much pre prison dream cared about his friends and how much he thought they cared about him#i can't say im super happy with the anatomy and stuffs#im learning#its hard#its alr tho#overall i like the piece#anyway#now less chatty tags#dsmp#dsmp fanart#pre prison dream#dreblr#artists on tumblr#support human artists#the community house is here too#idk how to tag this honestly#headcanon#fanart#victoriacoffee's art#also yes i did try to hide one of the hands and completely fail#i got lazy ok
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alas, turns out grad school is hard so i haven't been drawing much of anything BUT. now. some side characters for yall
#original#ocs#art#satyrs#artists on tumblr#character design#Heiti Varrater#Tcham Bakome#Angus Singh#HAII. i've needed to design these 3 in particular for EVER. finally i have done eet#i actually. really REALLY like how bakome turned out. he looks FANTASTIC#bang on with this guy. he looks great#also rlly like how singh turned out. that dude is singh for sure#heiti.... she's giving me problems. as she does best#this is her 2nd design now and it's better than my first but theres something still missing. idk what#ill probably continue to refine her with time#grouping her with these 2 is kinda odd cause like. she has nothing to do with them other than being in the same general storyline#like she never really meets them?? maybe once for a brief period. idk i havent thought about it much#they're on different ships. theyre doin different things#but theyre all side characters that are relatively important SO. put them together#ive resigned to just. drawing humans with pointy ears. bcause why the fuck wouldnt i#every other species gets fun ears. give humans some point to em why not#there is a. range. of feelings about these guys#LOVE heiti. she sucks (affectionate). she's fantastic. obsessed with her#bakome has lots going on and im not even sure of most of it. but he is VERY interesting and he occupies a cool middle space of like.#doing no harm but preventing no harm either. doing no harm but allowing harm to be done. he has morality but he turns the other way#idk. i like him and i think he borders on sucks but either way he's interesting#and then there singh. god he sucks. he sucks so bad. worst of em all. captain worst#the harm that is being done is allowed by him because hes the captain and that's if hes not just doing it himself. fuck that guy#i do think hes fun tho. hes. a little flatter than bakome rn but hes still got SOME interesting stuff going on. just a lil
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My Ingredients:
A stroll in nature,
A sprinkle of fantasy,
A chat with my friends,
And a hug with family.
These are my ingredients,
For my creative flow.
I mix them up inside my brain,
And let inspiration grow.
A calming quiet,
A cloaking dark,
A gentle breeze,
Thats my favorite part.
Its in the silence and the calm,
After a full day of color.
It fills me like a healing balm,
And sets my thoughts a flutter.
I go and stumble till i find,
A freshly planted seed.
Then from there,
It’s just like magic.
Out comes pouring all the words,
Imbued with subtle feelings.
The only way that i can share,
The unique patterns of my breathing.
#welp#my family has like two Christmas celebrations cause different sides of the family to celebrate with#and i am up at 3:26 am rn copying some of my poems onto paper#because my family is weird and thinks my poems make for good gifts#good for me ig#i try to give other stuff but its a good buffer when i fail to have enough gifts#but yaa guess who procrastinated until the last minute#we are celebrating tomorrow morning#im so done for guys#i have to copy poems three more times#wow thats a lot of tags what the helll#my bad#but hey not like anyone reads these sooo#anyways i made this poem while taking a break from wrapping presents and stuff#and now im considering adding it to the cards#buttttt that means even more to copy out so probably best not#ill leave it fr#anywayss back to normal tags 💀#original poem#poem#poems on tumblr#poetry#literature#spilled ink#inspiration#Christmas?#does that even count when the only Christmas related thing is my stupid tags#bro im so sorry dont read any of this
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iCarly Meta, Part 5: Socko, Nominative Determinism, and How I Spend My Free Time
so, you may remember that I've made four separate iCarly posts before, because I am just way too into this dorky, ridiculous children's show.
well, over a year ago, I wrote this fifth one. and after some introspection, some really deep self-evaluation about what I want and where I'm going in life, I've decided that it's time to share it with the world at large
so...let's talk about Socko's family!
to catch you up: Socko is Spencer's best friend, who designs all of the fun socks that Spencer wears! he's first mentioned in s01e07 (iScream on Halloween), though some of his socks are shown as early as s01e02 (iWant More Viewers).
(technical note: production-wise, s01e09 is listed before s01e07, and I think that was intended to be Socko's introduction, and it would make sense, considering how Spencer describes him in that ep. but I can't prove this, and so we move on.)
while Socko is mentioned consistently throughout the show, he's never fully shown on screen. but, he does technically appear in an episode, because you can see part of his arm in s04e11-s04e13 (iParty with Victorious) when he hands Spencer the keys to his van.
Spencer and Socko have known each other since at least 1999 (as mentioned in s02e12, iRocked the Vote) when Spencer would have been 17 or 18. and despite Socko almost never being shown, it's clear that he spends a lot of time with Spencer, and that they're close. if Spencer needs something, Socko is always willing to call in a favor from one of his family members.
and boy, does Socko have a lot of very interesting family members.
let's go over some of them real quick:
Bernie is a welder, Otto is a used car salesman, Tyler designs neckties, Taylor is a tailor, Rob is a thief, Arty is an artist, Isaac is an optometrist, and Ryder is a motorcycle enthusiast.
are we noticing a pattern here?
every single one of these is an aptronym – a personal name that is aptly or peculiarly suited to its owner. and since all of these people are in some way related, this is fascinating to me.
it seems like Socko's family is really into nominative determinism – the idea that people tend to gravitate towards areas of work that fit their names. whether or not this is true of people in real life is unclear, but in the universe of iCarly, this is something that Socko's family is all about.
when did it start, I wonder? who was the first in the family to have a job or hobby that related directly to their name? and who continued that pattern? because someone named Bernard going by "Bernie" and taking up welding is one thing, but an entire family of people going into fields that have to do with their names is unsettling.
is this on purpose, now? do the parents in Socko's family choose names for their children based on what they want them to be? is there an expectation that each child will have to choose a profession based on what their parents name them?
I think there is. and I think it's fucked up.
imagine growing up knowing that your name would control your future career options. that no matter how you felt about your name, choosing a career or hobby that matched it is what would make your parents happy. that at least some portion of your parents' love is tied to the idea that you will be what they named you.
and depending on the name, the kids aren't always left with a lot of options! someone named Bernie could be a welder, a woodburning artist, a firefighter, etc...but for Taylor, there's really only one path to take.
what if a kid is trans? I just have to wonder, would they be judged more for not identifying with their assigned sex at birth, or for changing their name?
and one of Socko's cousins is named Mary. think about that with me for a second – Mary.
imagine that the only dream your parents have for you is that you get married. and not just fall in love! no, you were given this name because their express purpose, their biggest hope for you is that you get legally married.
what if Mary had been gay? what if she grew up with fear in her heart, knowing that the only thing her parents had ever wanted from her wasn't possible, was actually illegal, because of who she was?
or what if she had been aro, or ace, or just otherwise not interested in relationships? or what if she was interested in relationships, but not the serious, legal commitment of marriage?
my hope here (my one fragile hope) is that Rob, Mary, and Josh are siblings, and that their parents were trying to escape this part of the family legacy. maybe they named their kids Robert, Marian, and Joshua, and tried to steer clear of any obvious career choices – but then their sons started going by "Josh" and "Rob" and causing trouble, and "Mary" started talking about her upcoming wedding, and they knew that they would never be free of the family curse.
'cause it's gotta be a curse, right? I feel like at this point, it has to be.
but hey, worry not! because I think there are some loopholes.
Penny, for example, had a lot of choices – she could have minted coins, or built fences, or designed ball-point pens, or been a cashier (etc, etc). but she didn't do any of those things! she started a t-shirt company, and made shirts with fun phrases on them like "church pants" and "parole baby" and "chest words" (all shirts I would wear for real).
her job didn't have anything to do with her name – but she still followed the family pattern. she named her t-shirt company "Penny-Tees", and sewed a single penny into each of her shirts. instead of finding a name-based occupation, she made her own.
I really think it's brilliant – she got to do what she wanted, and her parents couldn't complain, because it still suited her name! and if this pattern is curse-based, she found a way around it by following it to the letter (but not exactly the spirit), and because of this, she got to make her own choices.
and speaking of jobs that may or may not suit one's name: let's talk about Socko.
early in the show when we're introduced to him, we know three things about him:
he knows where to find huge pumpkins
he sells Spencer all of his wacky socks
his name is Socko
but, thinking about that third point…is it?
like, is his name actually Socko?
let's look at Socko's family tree for a moment:
(ID in alt text)
(yes, I made this. it took over two days. I skimmed through many episodes, looked through a large amount of the old iCarly website on the Wayback Machine, and as far as I know, this is canon accurate.)
(shhh, this was absolutely a valuable use of my time. don't worry about it.)
look at his family. look at the names.
almost all of them are, well…normal names. names that could belong to any acquaintance, friend, or relative in your own everyday life.
the only real exceptions here are Freight Dog, Boomer, and Dr. Paxil – but if we're being real? "Freight Dog" is almost definitely a nickname, "Paxil" isn't that strange-sounding of a surname, and I have actually seen people named "Boomer".
so that just leaves…Socko.
"Socko" is not a people name. it sounds mean, but I don't know how else to word that – it's just not a name for a human person.
it would be a great name for a cat or a dog (especially if they had paws that were a different color from their body – man, that'd be so cute!), but it is not a name that many parents would willingly give to a human child. especially when all of the other siblings in the family have relatively normal names.
my theory, my hottest take: I don't think "Socko" is his legal name.
think about it: Socko and every single one of his siblings went into the fashion industry. even accounting for the fact that they probably wanted Penny to have a different career, would Socko's parents really want all three of their other children going into the same industry, especially one as tumultuous and challenging as fashion design?
I think not. I think they gave Socko a different name, one that they believed would lead him down a completely distinct career path. and then, like Penny, Socko found his own true calling – but instead of changing his occupation to match his name? he changed his name to match his occupation.
it is my belief that Socko's birth name…the name his parents gave him…
(drumroll please)
…was "Socrates".
now hold on, just stay with me here. because I swear that this does make sense, really!
so, back at the beginning of this post I mentioned nominative determinism, but that term wasn't actually used until 1994. before then, it was called "onomastic determinism" or "die verpflichtung des namens" ("the obligation of the name"), but it wasn't really…a thing? it wasn't something that people really studied, and when they did, nobody could seem to come to a solid conclusion about whether or not your name does actually influence your career choice.
I think that in some way, Socko's parents wanted an answer. they wanted an explanation as to why their family tree reads like a joke book. and by naming their kid "Socrates", they were sending that question out into the world, hoping for a response.
because there were really two options here – either Socko would grow up to be a philosopher, someone who could search for meaning in the pattern of family job-finding, or he wouldn't. and if he didn't, if he threw off the shackles of his name and did something else entirely, then that in itself would be an answer.
and sure, maybe his parents should have thought about how "Socrates" might be abbreviated. maybe they should have considered that he could grow up to design socks. but hindsight is 20/20, and I don't know if that's something any parent would expect of their child, so I won't hold that against them.
I will however, judge them for naming two of their kids "Taylor" and "Tyler" – like, my god. can you imagine how often people got them mixed up? it's inhumane.
even worse if they were twins! though actually, that would make some kind of twisted sense – to give twins names that not only match, but that would lead them to careers in the same industry. maybe they wanted them to go into business together? hoo boy.
anyway, sorry, I've gone off-topic. back to Socko – or should I say, Socrates.
"Socrates" is a pretty fun name. two parts of it are σῶς (sôs, “safe and sound”) and κράτος (krátos, “power”), which is an interesting name meaning for a dude who was executed for corrupting the youth.
(I'm talking about the philosopher here – as far as I know, Socko from iCarly was not executed for corrupting the youth. at least, not yet.)
and if we keep thinking about Socrates (the philosopher), I think there's another reason that this name fits: we know fuck-all about Socrates.
sure, he's well-known – lots of people know about his ideas, and the Socratic method – but…he never actually wrote anything. everything we think we know about him, we learned from somebody else.
all of Socrates' interests, his skills, his beliefs? they were all things we learned from Plato, Xenophon, or (I guess) Aristophanes. we have no idea what the dude was actually like, outside of that.
just like we have no idea what Socko is like, outside of what Spencer says.
Socrates is a vital figure in the history of western philosophy, but all of the things we know about him are altered by the opinions of other people, filtered through the lenses of their perception.
and Socko is a vital character in the show iCarly, but all of the things we know about him – his hobbies, his opinions, his wants – are things we've heard second-hand from Spencer.
(you're laughing. Spencer Shay is a stand-in for Plato, and you're laughing.)
so in a very fun way, Socko (Socrates) did live up to his name…by being unknown to us, the audience.
us, watching this TV show the way chained prisoners watch shadows dance on the wall of a cave.
continuing down this rabbit hole…does this mean that one of the iCarly crew is Aristotle?
no…perhaps that's taking it too far.
(it'd be Gibby)
final notes:
I haven't seen all of the iCarly reboot yet (I'm on episode 3! I have mixed feelings, but I think one of the writers ships the thing that I ship, so that's fun), so if it mentions something about Socko lore, I unfortunately do not know about it.
fun fact: the ancient Greeks did often have names that were meant to have sway on their lives! for example: Hedistē ("most delightful"), Demotimos ("honored among the people"), Hippodamas ("horse-tamer"), Nikomachē ("victorious in battle").
additional fun fact: I asked one of the mods of the iCarly wiki, and they said I could put the family tree I made on the page for Socko's Family! :D
look! it's my thing! the thing that I made! how cool is that?!
(I'll be real; I am way too proud of this)
yes, two of Socko's family members have inaptronyms instead of aptronyms: Harry (bald) and Jean (allergic to denim). but in my mind, they still count – the names are still weirdly suited to their specific lives.
since I'm pretty sure "Freight Dog" is a nickname, I also took a crack at what I think his legal name might be. my theory? "Aaron".
(get it? Aaron? because he's in the air? okay, I'll see myself out.)
anyway, my new hobby is coming up with more family members for Socko to have. descend with me into the deepest reaches of The Headcanon Zone, and behold:
Lisa: She's a landlord (she leases apartments). Socko hates her.
Barry: A big ol' bear of a man. Or he could work for Gund or Build-a-Bear or something. That could be fun!
Mike: Audio technician
Amy: Sharpshooter
Summer: Camp counselor
Tony: Orthopedist. (toe-knee)
Marty: Owns and operates a supermarket
and because it's fun, my friend @wonderbound joined in and came up with these super great ones:
Drew: Illustrator
Cody: Programmer or hacker
Pete: Bryologist (he studies moss!)
Norm: He's just a guy
Flo: Plumber – or maybe, an expert in fluid dynamics
Hattie: Milliner (she makes hats)
Howl: Werewolf (or perhaps, the owner of a moving castle 👀)
Will: Estate planning attorney (he writes wills)
anyway, I think that's about it. thanks for coming with me on this adventure! I hope it was as much of a rollercoaster to read as it was to write, because yeah, it was a weird one over here.
I mean, it started out normal? but then the next thing I knew, I had gotten invested, made nine edits to the iCarly wiki, and designed that whole family tree. so I think maybe I went a little overboard with this one. xD
tune in next time, for…I dunno. I think my brain needs a break after that. but, eventually I would love to write more meta! just…maybe not all for iCarly? I have some things to say about Gravity Falls that I think are gonna blow your minds.
(not really; I just think it's great)
#icarly#icarly meta#socko#spencer shay#id in alt text#back on my bullshit etc etc#this is probably one of the best things I've ever written#I solidly lost my mind for a week and then woke as if from a dream#thinking...hey. maybe...I'm onto something here?#like maybe I connected the dots. I connected them#xD#but yeah. it took a while and a lot of thinking#but I did decide to put this on tumblr and not just on patreon#I think I'm okay with it now#tbh. the reason that I kept it only on patreon to begin with#was because there was going to be some weird overlap with a fic I wrote#one I never finished or published. a long time ago#but I decided...to not finish that fic#at least not now#so there's no risk of you finding my ao3 because of this post#and there won't be for a while. maybe not ever#that's what I was worried about#I try to keep my main fandom life separate from this blog#that's just how I like it to be#but now I think I can relax about that for a bit#and let you enjoy this post
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i am filled with so much loving of people
#at this precise moment im specifically thinking about my best friend's boyfriend who is. also my best friend probably#hes just so lovely and so consistently incredibly nice to me and like#i dont think he quite knows?how bad i can get with my self esteem and shit like that#but regardless he always is just so happy to see me and he just. thinks im waayyyy cooler than i am but he does all of this in such a way#that it feels genuine and not like he's just trying to make me feel better about myself it's like. he genuinely thinks all these things#he's also just the loveliest guy ever and. yeah#i will tell him all of thst at some point i think#but not right now cause im meant to be asleep#which i am going to do now!! goodnight tumblr dot com#ezra’s real life rambles
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Started AFK Arena, got Eugene as my first Legendary, liked his design but was worried I might not like his story bc I haven't yet read many of them and it didn't seem like a story/event heavy game, finally gave in 3 days later Anyhow order of operations: -love it, joke around why there isn't a series about it -no there actually is a comic and other ones too -read them all -actually go back to read Gavus and the kids stories as well -learn you basically JUST missed all them being introduced like 4 months ago -hide your pain by consuming everything NOW -it's 7 am i haven't slept since yesterday where am i
#txts#afk arena#halp#yes i am currently scrolling through tumblr#i LITERALLY at one point during the labyrinth went#'huh Eugene and that angel looking dude seem to work nicely together-wonder why' BEFORE I LEARNED#truly amazing#so far everything was just 'huh if x is the case' AND IT IS#10/10 need more#i wanna both hug them. shake them by their shoulders. chew on them and also just let them live their best lives however they wish#same with the kids but i am way less feral about them-i am counting them in as my babies as well#with every new piece of info i got worried that things might turn out bad or tragic#the relief when i read through all oH GOD#precious little weapons of mass destruction#i-will probably take a nap now#and try for more coherent thoughts another time#i also got like 5 packages arriving anytime between 10am and 10pm which is just....totally great#other fun fact: literally looked at Eugene and Lucilla design wise and put them down mentally as my favs#which considering the everything: yeAH I GUESS IT MAKES SENSE HUH#good genes
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#if I've made anyone uncomfortable with the things I've been posting the last few days that was in fact the point and fully intended#and I don't say that to be cruel but simply to drive home the point that fandom spaces can be both safe and hostile at the same time#it is a deeply uncomfortable thing to acknowledge and I know most people do no want to deal with that and I understand that truly#but it was important to me to acknowledge and to give my opinion so that's what I did#At the same time none of this changes my opinion on my ship or the fact that I love a certain character other people find problematic#and I am fine with people finding that problematic because I am human being I am problematic by default#and I am confident enough in myself as a person to know when to acknowledge when I've contributed to problematic behavior#and realize the world doesn't end when this happens#my opinion of the fandom I've made my home in hasn't changed either#I had these views before and now they're out there in the open messy wording and all#and if you've decided that changes your opinion of me for the worse that's fine you can unfollow block etc#I understand that even in my attempt to acknowledge hurt within my fandom I've probably hurt other people and I have made my peace with it#but for everyone else that's shown me support both on tumblr and in private#for everyone that's listened to me vent about this subject over DMs and validated my hurt feelings#instead of trying to press your own discomforts onto me to carry in addition to my own#thank you#I've carved a permanent space in my heart for you and I truly mean that#I waded into this mess fully expecting to be ignored at best and to lose connections at worst and I was fully okay with it#but the love I've gotten and the deep honest and vulnerable conversations I've had over the last few days has truly been astounding to me#this last part is taking me AGES to write#because I'm actually crying thinking about all the good that's come out of this#and I acknowledge that's not a universal opinion and that's fine I'm really only speaking to my personal experience with what's happened#which despite outward appearances has been incredibly cathartic and uplifting for me#and I don't need everyone in the fandom to share my views or validate me or tell me I'm right people are allowed to disagree#I also don't need to have a deep personal and honest connection with everyone in the fandom where I can share my deepest vulnerabilities#but the fact that I could have that connection with some of you? that's enough for me. it's everything to me.
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man.
#💭 — ⌗nervo rambles . ★#gonna say I'm venting a bit (kinda of a lot)#but I may seem selfish from this and let me say now ik everyone was putting themselves first (which is a very good thing)#but having three mutuals deactivate their accounts within I think two months or so??#I rlly don't like to be negative and I might also take a break from Tumblr (as much as I love posting here#so I'm still unsure if I'll even stick to that) bc of how negative I've been lately#I just don't want to keep venting and putting that on everyone so#but yeah I just. It makes me sad to see old/new mutuals go#I never thought I'd have to like#witness it#Idk#I've cried over losing them all and it feels rlly silly but I mean idk#I (try to — my feelings with crying are iffy and I hate admitting I do cry) not cry over everything but I just can't word stuff rn#might be posting less/not posting at all for the next few days or so#I'm gonna be busy in July anyways so it's probably better to just say that now#sorry guys I'm just dealing with some stuff mentally lately (an example being gender dysphoria but I can't even word the stuff going on#not to sound like I'm overexaggerating bc I rlly don't wanna seem like I am. It's nothing too serious so don't#be worried at all pls I'm ok enough I won't just disappear)#I just wish I could have alone time in my room with my cats without my family bugging me for a few days#It's tiring atp#I wanna lock myself up just to recooperate and figure out how to deal with certain things the best I can#anyways yap fest over I'm gonna go play wuwa and build Jinshi more#sorry for venting again 🫡🫡
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so... i've been having thoughts about Forgotten Stars again.
i re-read forgotten stars a lot. i re-read all of my writings but especially forgotten….
there are a few chapters in forgotten that mean so much to me, that i managed to write out so brilliantly (at least to my standards) that portray what i wanted them to.
this'll have spoilers for the current version of forgotten stars so be wary. (note: i will rewrite forgotten stars at some point. that point is not today. not yet :] )
chapter 7 when Ocie finally finds out about Rae not remembering himself or his friends. how she breaks down, how the weather outside the library also breaks with her and how she fears what she is feeling because she doesn't know the extent of her powers.
chapter 9 where Athena tells Icarus about Rae and especially how they open up about how much it hurts them that the uncle they know is gone and how they dont know how to fix it
chapter 11 is definitely my top 3 with how i wrote how Rae himself is struggling with himself. how things feel familiar and yet he doesnt know why. how he sees how much effort Athena is putting into all this and yet… he can't help. and then he goes to the portal and there is nothing. and then he panics and runs and runs until he no longer breathes and crashes. how he feels utterly useless cause he can't help someone he knows he cares about and yet the feelings feel false because he doesn't know why he has them.
chapter 12 is a goodie too cause it shows Caspian, struggling with everything - with feeling lost, with Rae, with Momboo.
chapter 14 is an another top 3 for me and it has my favourite beginning… which is just Soup. how I managed to write about Rae's inner thoughts and how everything felt like home and yet… at the same time it felt like the furthest thing from it. how talking with Caspian felt so familiar, how laying in that bed and sitting on that couch he felt at home and yet… he couldn't justify staying.
chapter 15 perfectly shows Athena's inner thoughts with how things arent progressing enough or fast enough for them and how they struggle with that. and then Rae's pov of him choosing to fight for her, choosing to stay and focus on Athena and Ocie instead of chasing after the feelings of home elsewhere
and then finally chapter 19. one of my favourite chapters. where Athena finally hits a boiling point and his powers activate and he has no control over them. how she scares both of his uncles and surprises the god of creation and then finds solace in how Rae cares for them. how they choose to fight for him, too.
guys if you cant tell, forgotten stars means so much more to me than just a fable fic. in its core, yes, its a fanfic and yes its about premade characters but i've put so much into it. i continue to pour my thoughts into it despite not having worked on it for months now. how i keep thinking of how to better guide the story and how many more ideas i have.
#plesae just be patient with me#i promise itll be worth it#ill probably start working on forgotten stars after i finish this one shot and get further into tangled au#gods i need to work on the tangled au again#i truly hope that by the time i manage to post my things there's still going to be people excited about them#i am truly sorry things have taken me so long#life has simply thrown so many obstacles at me#i am doing my best i promise#for now yall get small analyses on tumblr and wips on the discord whenever i work on things#forgotten stars#bee's writing tag#fable smp#fablesmp#icarus morningstar#rae morningstar#fablesmpblr
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