#probably realing himself in while realizing Castiel's angelic nature

[justlyndalynn]

This! Exactly this!!

i really like the idea of Dean fully aware he is not being normal with Cas, that he isn't "just" his best buddy or brother in arms, he doesn't even care cas's in a male vessel, not really, because that's the thing, he's also fully aware that Cas is a divine creature, something so big and abstract that Dean can't even begin to comprehend, so despite needing him, wanting him, he never thinks that having something like that with Cas is even a possibility, that Cas would eventually move on from these two humans he's met because he's literally eons old, so he never tries anything, and then the angel is telling him he loves him and he's sobbing on the floor and UGH

[ananke-xiii]

More on the power of resurrection as the "apple of discord": Billie won theory.

So. Chuck vs Billie, it's all about the preservation of the natural order. Now if you ask me what "natural order" means in Supernatural I wouldn't really know how to answer. I think by that they meant a concept akin to that of metaphysical necessity, of a causality that's prior to space and time. However, Chuck has subdued the Moirai as we know from s6 and s15 and he controls life, death and space and time. Therefore, the natural order seems to be Chuck himself. Or he definitely thinks he is but he's really not 'cause, as it turns out, it doesn't really matter if Chuck exists as God, anybody who can contain God's power can become God. Just like any reaper who dies can become Death in case Death is absent. In other words, "Death" and "God" are just "roles" that virtually anybody with sufficient power and in the right circumnstances could play.

In this respect, Chuck is more powerful than Death because he can control space and time as he pleases while Billie can't. I mean, it appears on Supernatural that techinically Billie can manipulate space and time but her issue is precisely that: if you start manipulating space and time Death ultimately really means nothing since it's a concept that's intrinsically connected to these notions.

This is why, I think, resurrection is the core problem in the ultimate power struggle, i.e. God vs Death. As a concept, it defies the rules of Time. If resurrection can happen, then time is no longer irreversible and if time can be reversed then Death doesn't really need to exist. But apparently in Supernatural necessity is the ultimate force and Billie wants to protect that, she wants to protect the role of Death in the story. Surprisingly, in this view I find Chuck a litte bit more fascinating because he's not only playing around with his toys, he's actually messing with Necessity itself. And no smart God would have done that 'cause it only ends one way: a recknoning.

So following this probably unsteady logic, in the end Billie won. Because what did she want? In the words of the Shadow:

The Shadow: Become "New God." Classic narcissist, right? She's all tingly for the rules, the good-old days. [...] Everyone back to where they belong... realities, dimensions, graves. What should be dead dies, angels off Earth, demons back to Hell, and I go back to sleep.

It's always, always about "the good-old days" (insert teary gif from The Office's last episode).

She didn't get to become the "New God" because she made the same mistake as Chuck: inserted herself in the story, thought she could use Jack and focused all her attention on Dean Winchester without realizing who her real enemy was (as I've previously said, it's totally Castiel. It's always Castiel, Castiel must die die die for the story to end).

But if what mattered to her, power aside, if the reason why she wanted to become god was because she didn't want anybody to interfere with the natural order AND if it doesn't matter who Death and God are as long as they stay hands-off... then Billie totally won in the end.

And she won because Castiel died and didn't resurrect (more or less, he's somewhere in Heaven probably but we don't see him. Seeing is crucial in resurrection stories: if we don't see him he might as well be dead to us). Dean died and asked not to be resurrected (incidentally I should talk about how Billie's values align with Dean's but not today). Sam eventually dies too and Jack is... somewhere, sometime, being God all alone and in everything but without interfering with Necessity (and I should also talk about what the fuck they mean when Jack says "[people] just need to know that I'm already a part of them and to trust in that". LOL what people and what trust? And why should they care? Are these the same "people" Chuck didn't give a shit about? Chuck was already a hands-off type of God, hell, he was the absent father, right? Not just to the Winchesters and the Angels, no, he was humanity's absent father. Chuck self-inserted into the story just to play with his two toys, this has nothing to do with "people". They clearly didn't know how to end the show and tried to pull the mysticism card like they did in S11 but with worse results).

Order is indeed preserved. Time as we know it is safe. Still, there are monsters and Heaven and maybe even Hell, Purgatory and the Empty. God exists but doesn't interfere. Most importantly, Death has no obstacle and can do her job just fine. Everything in its place and a place for everything.

The universe is indeed many things. And sometimes it is poetic (justice).

[bing-bang-bingo]

- 4x3: c. 40:00 Cas comforts Dean after Mary makes a deal w/ Azazel

- 4x7: 15:50 Dean stops Sam from shooting Cas, then Sam mentions that he’s “heard a lot about him”

- 4x7: 39:00 Cas tells Dean he prayed he’d save the town, then he tells him about his doubts and Deans future troubles

- 4x10 & ???: Dean calls “last night on Earth” his best line. He uses this line on Cas

- 4x10: 27:15 “Castiel has this weakness. He likes you.”

- 4x10: 32:50 Cas looking jealous and sad when Dean kisses Anna

- 4x16: 7:30 Cas tells Dean he got in trouble for showing emotion and getting to close to Dean. 8:20 “I would give anything not to have you do this”

- 4x16: 39:00 Cas warns Dean to be careful while Dean is in the hospital, they discuss the first seal and saving Dean from hell

- 4x18: 31:30 Cas tells Dean how to save Sam from Lilith even though he’s not allowed to interfere

- 4x20: 38:00 Deans face when Cas tells him he “learned his lesson when he was in heaven”

- 4x22: 30:40 Cas considers rebelling for Dean. 33:00 He does. 35:20 He fights multiple Archangels for Dean

- 5x1: 5:45 Dean denies Cas’ death 8:25 “I learned that from my friend Cas you son of a bitch”

- 5x1: 31:00 Cas saves Sam and Dean from Zach

- 5x3: 6:10 Cas-“I need your help because your the only one who will help me”

- 5x3: 10:20 Dean fixes Cas’ tie and jacket

- 5x4: 38:50 “Don’t Ever Change”

- 5x8: 38:20 Dean makes Gabriel bring Cas back, then makes sure he’s okay

- 5x13: ?:?? Cas won’t let Dean meet with Anna because it’s not safe

- 5x17: 30:30 Cas and Dean discuss what it’s like to have a deadbeat dad

- 5x18: 25:15 Cas kicks Deans ass for trying to sacrifice himself

- 5x21: 3:50 Cas and Dean bickering like and old married couple then Cas gives Dean a heartfelt apology.

- 6x17: 18:55 “No you’re confusing me with the other angel, the one in the dirty trench coat who is in love with you.”

- 6x17: 38:00 Sam: “So you killed 50,000 people for us?” Cas: *looks at Dean*

- 6x19: 25:20 Bobby reassures Cas that they’ll be back soon, Cas acts like a worried and disappointed wife.

- 6x19: 36:25 Cas yelling “Dean!” when Eve bites him

- 6x19: 40:00 Dean is the only one who doesn’t think Cas is working with Crowley (he’s wrong but it’s sweet)

- 6x20: 4:50 Dean v v worried, “But Cas you’ll call right? If you get into real trouble?”

- 6:30 Crowley implies that Cas is distracted by Dean and tells him he reeks of the Impala.

- 7:20 Cas says that Dean taught him how to care and what to care about. Then Cas saves Sam (for Dean)

- 13:15 Cas says that the worst part of working with Crowley (basically his sworn natural enemy) is that it hurt Dean and that he hated lying to him.

- 25:20 Cas refuses to ask Dean for help because he has “sacrificed too much” even though it means Cas could die.

- 26:00 Crowley tells Cas he has a way for everyone to get a happy ending “with all possible entendres intended” while Cas stares longingly at Dean.

- 33:00 Dean is close to tears when he learns that Cas is working with Crowley, Cas says he did it to protect Dean.

- 35:25 “Dammit Cas we can fix this!” “Dean it’s not broken!” He then tells the boys to run from the demon cloud and Dean gives him the saddest look in the world before being forced to leave him behind.

- 38:00 Cas watches Dean sleep. “I’m doing this for you Dean. I’m doing this because of you!”

- 6x21: 22:40 “I do everything you ask. I always come when you call and I am your friend. Still despite your lack of faith in me and now your threats I’ve just saved you yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you?”

- 6x22: Dean to Cas- “Don’t make me lose you, too.”

- 7x2: 5:35 Dean nearly cries on screen when he thinks Cas is dead

- 7x17: Cas says “I remember ~you~” as soon as he regains his memories.

- 7x17: Cas ask why Dean didn’t tell him all the horrible things Cas did. Parallels the conversation Karen and Dean had about telling Bobby she remembered him killing her and her telling Dean that he had never been on love before.

- 7x21: The face Dean makes when he sees Cas again plus the prolonged eye contact when Cas says Deans name.

- 7x21: Hester telling Dean that when Cas first saved him from Hell he was lost- parallels- Lucifer/Jess saying she was dead the moment she met Sam.

- 7x23: 8:50 “Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first.” Meg to Dean about Cas

- 7x23: 32:45 “I’m sorry but I’d rather have you, cursed or not.”

- 7x23: 36:50 Cas steps in to protect Dean despite spending the whole season avoiding fighting and saying he won’t fight.

- 8x2: 25:00 Cas ran away to keep the Leviathans away from Dean. Dean refuses to leave purgatory without Cas.

- 8x7: 20:30 Deans reaction to seeing Cas all cleaned up.

- 8x7: Dean convinced himself that it was his fault Cas was still in purgatory because he’s a sweet idiot boy who hates himself

- 8x7: 35:00 The whole Dean and Cas conversation about purgatory and Cas doing stuff that puts him in danger.

- 8x8: 12:30 Cas just casually going through Deans stuff and Dean not saying anything.

- 8x8: 13:00 Cas offering to watch over Dean while he slept

- 8x8: 15:15 Dean talks to Cas about feelings and heaven even though Dean hates talking about feelings.

- 8x17: Cas fights Naomi’s mind control for Dean

- 8x23: 22:50 Dean and Cas sadly discuss Cas closing the doors of heaven and say goodbye

- 9x1: Dean prays to Cas and tells him he isn’t mad about the angels falling.

- 9x1: Cas’ first instinct is to explain himself to Dean then to come help him.

- 9x1: Dean begs Cas to “for once, look out for yourself.”

- 9x3: 36:45 Dean to Cas after Cas came back from the dead “Don’t you ever do that again!”

- 9x6: Literally just Dean trying desperately the whole episode to hang out with Cas

- 9x10: 26:00 Dean and Cas talk about how Cas is doing and Dean offers him a rare sincere apology. Plus the “I prefer the term ‘trusting’. Less dumb, less ass.” dialogue

- 9x18: Cas’ little smile when Dean makes a joke about Honor Bars and Cas is just so happy to hear his voice.

- 9x18: Metatron’s illusion of Gabriel calls Cas Dean’s boy-toy

- 9x18: Cas can tell something is wrong with Dean, then Cas yells at Dean about getting the Mark of Cain

- 9x22: Cas chooses Dean over all of Heaven once again

- 9x22: The Cas and Dean conversation about the three of them being enough when an army wasn’t and Cas giving up an army all for Dean

- 9x23: “I’m blaming you for taking Cas’ grace.”

- 10x1: 5:00 Cas about Dean- “I miss him.”

- 10x2: 9:00 Cas’ reaction to learning that Dean is a demon

- 10x3: The conversation between Dean and Cas at the end of the episode. “You look terrible” “You on the other hand, your looking good.”

- 10x5: Deans reaction to Cas and Dean actors hugging and holding hands

- 10x5: “Put as much sub into that text as you possibly can.” *looks directly at fake Cas*

- 10x9: 15:00 Cas tells Dean he’s a good role model. Then asks him if he’s okay and when Dean lies and says he is he pushes it further. Dean makes Cas promise to kill him if he goes Dark

- 10x22: Dean and Cas fight and parallel Cain and his Wife.

- 10x23: Dean sees Cas’ bloody face in the mirror

- 11x1: Cas being more worried about Dean than himself even though Cas is under a spell that will kill him.

- 11x2: Dean calling Cas and stressing out when he doesn’t answer

- 11x3: Dean trying to coax Cas out of the attack dog spell, refusing to fight back when Cas was attacking, freaking out when Cas took a minute to wake up, refusing to let Cas heal him (because he “had it coming”), and refusing to let Cas apologize (because “there’s nothing to apologize for”).

- 11x10: “Dean, I came as soon as you called.” Also: “Stick your tongue out.” Dean-*does*

- 11x11: Dean realizing that something is wrong with Cas (while he is possessed by Lucifer)

- 11x11: Mildred says that Dean is pining for someone else(probably meant to be a reference to Amara, but she told him this after he had seen Cas for the first time in a few days.)

- 11x14: The sadness on Deans face when he realizes Cas is Lucifer and then his determination to save Cas

- 11x15: Dean getting kinda dark when he talks about what he’s willing to do to save Cas and he prioritizes saving Cas over bearing Amara.

- 11x17: Dean once again prioritizing saving Cas over saving the world. Sam reassuring Dean that they’ll save Cas (even though Dean didn’t say anything about what was upsetting him)

- 11x17: The camera zooming in on Dean after Michelle says that there is no normal after losing the man you love.

- 11x18: Dean refuses to put Lucifer in the cage or let him fight Amara while using Cas as his vessel.

- 11x18: The difference in the way Dean looks at Lucifer vs at Cas

- 11x18: Dean about Cas: “Lets go find that idiot and bring him home.”

- 11x19: Dean has been looking for leads non stop for a week since Amara took Cas

- 11x21: Amara uses Cas’s heart to find Dean, then shows Dean images of Cas beaten and bloodied to convince him to turn against Chuck

- 11x23: Dean’s face when he realizes Cas is back and Lucifer is gone.

- 11x23: Dean tells Cas he isn’t stupid and that he always helps

- 11x23: Cas: “Dean are you okay? How do you feel?”

- 11x23: Cas hugging Dean super tight before he goes off to die. Dean entrusting his life’s purpose (look after Sam) then thanking him for everything.

- 12x1: Cas seeing that Dean is alive and hugging him while his voice breaks.

- 12x1: Cas taking the job Dean have him very seriously

- 12x2: Dean adorably venting to Cas about his mommy-issues

- 12x3: Dean- “Morning sunshine want some coffee.” Cas- “No thank you.”

- 12x7: “Well at least I don’t look like a lumberjack.” They are such husbands

- 12x7: “Engaged in what Cas? killing you?”

- 12x8: Cas being so worried about what happened to Sam and DEAN that Kelly escaped.

- 12x9: Mary-“You left them!” Cas- *voice breaking* “Dean told me to go!” Also, just Cas looking so hard for them.

- 12x9: Cas blaming himself for Sam and Dean being taken

- 12x9 Cas knowing how long the boys have been gone down to the hour.

- 12x9: Cas’s voice and eyes when he hears Dean’s voice on the phone.

- 12x9: Cas killing Billie because “You mean too much to me” and “The world needs as many Winchesters as it can get.”

- 12x10: Poor Sam having to deal with Cas and Dean while they fight like an old married couple.

- 12x10: Dean immediately telling Ishim to go to hell when he insults Cas

- 12x10: Sam telling Dean to go to Cas when Dean thought Cas was in trouble

- 12x10: Cas immediately believing Dean about Ishim even though they’re mad at each other. Dean about to let Ishim kill him to save Cas.

- 12x10: Ishim comparing Dean and Cas’s relationship to Ishims relationship with his human lover, then saying he was going to cut Cas’s human weakness

- 12x11: “And Cas is my best friend.”

- 12x12: Dean about Cas- “My shy but devastatingly handsome friend here...”

- 12x12: Dean stressing out and voice breaking as he tries to comfort poisoned Cas

- 12x12: LITERALLY TOLD DEAN THAT HE LOVED HIM WHILE CAS WAS DYING

- 12x12: *looking at Dean* “I love you.” Then adds “I love all of you”

- 12x12: Cas- “Run.” Dean- “Cas, no.”

- 12x12: The look Dean gives Cas when he won’t stop staring at him after he’s healed.

- 12x14: Dean says some very harsh stuff to Mary after finding out the reason they Cas almost died at the lake house was because Mary was working for the British Men of Letters

- 12x15: Dean could tell something was up with Cas after talking to him for less than a minute, over the phone.

- 12x18: Sam trying to make Dean feel better about not hearing from Cas.

- 12x19: Dean literally always acting like a scorned wife when Cas comes back after long periods of time

- 12x19: Dean made Cas a mixtape

- 12x19: Cas- “I ~needed~ to came back here with a win for you.”

- 12x19: Cas- *gesturing between Dean and himself* “You mean... we?” Dean- “Yes, dumbass, we.”

- 12x23: Dean screaming for Cas when he attacks Lucifer and trying to chase after him forcing Sam to drag Dean back through the rift. A direct parallel to Dean pulling Sam away from Jess and the fire in Pilot

- 12x23: Dean kneeling next to Cas’s dead body looking up at the sky completely devastated.

- 13x1: Dean couldn’t bring himself to say dead when referring to Cas

- 13x1: Dean PRAYED to GOD to bring Cas back

- 13x1: “We just lost ~everything~. And now you’re gonna bring ~him~ back.”

- 13x1: Dean personally wrapping Cas’s body and giving him a hunters funeral.

- 13x1: The look of complete devastation on Dean’s face when he burns Cas’s body.

- 13x3: Dean refusing to help save Jack because he blames him for manipulating Cas and getting him killed.

- 13x4: The Empty to Cas: “I know what you love, what you fear. There is nothing for you back there.” He loves Dean and Cas fears that Dean doesn’t love him back.

- 13x5: Sam being worried about Dean who has given up all hope since Cas died.

- 13x5: Dean being so distressed thinking Cas is gone forever that he tries to kill himself

- 13x5: Dean seeing Cas alive again and they both have tears in their eyes.

- 13x6: Dean hugging Cas and saying he’s been gone for “too damn long”

- 13x6: Dean being immediately happier and nicer to everyone once Cas is back

- 13x6: Cas saying “Yes. Yes, he does” (in response to Jack saying Dean really likes cowboys) with the tone of an exhausted spouse.

- 13x6: “I told you, he’s an angry sleeper. Like a bear.”

- 13x6: Dean made Cas watch Tombstone with him.

- 13x6: Dean and Cas dresses like cowboy husbands.

- 13x6: Cas saying “I’m your huckleberry” to Dean in a deep accent and Dean looking away.

- 13x6: Their undercover names are Russel and Kilmer

- 13x14: The whole scene where Cas and Dean fight Gog/Magog and act like an old married couple.

- 13x14: The angry, dark look Cas gives Donatello when he tries to kill Dean

- 13x16: “Dean has him by the thigh!” Cas, jealously: “He ~what~?”

- 13x16: “and that includes the Cartwright twins.” Cas, again jealously: “what did you do with the Cartwright twins?”

- 13x19: Cas angrily confronting Naomi about forcing him to kill a bunch of Dean clones.

- 13x21: Cas secretly sliding Dean more pizza when Mary and Sam left the room.

- 13x21: Cas having to hold Dean back from going after Sam. Dean would have beat the shit out of anyone else who tried to stop him.

- 13x23: Cas trying to stop Dean from giving himself to Michael even if it meant losing Sam AND Jack

- 13x23: Cas sitting alone in the bum jet with tears in his eyes after Dean left

- 14x1: Demon: “How is it you lost Dean. I thought you two were joined at the... everything.”

- 14x1: Dean trying to save Cas from Lucifer then vs Cas trying to save Dean from Michael now

- 14x3: The look that Dean and Cas give each other when Dean comes home.

- 14x9: Cas almost being happy seeing Dean happy. And then having to force himself to not be happy so he doesn’t die.

- 14x12: Cas being phased at Dean for wanting to put himself in the box with Michael forever

- 14x14: Cas is the only Dean will let talk to him about Michael and be honest about how Dean feels

- 14x14: “No, it’s on us.”

- 14x14: Cas’s voice breaking when he talks about the possibility of Dean dying one day.

- 14x18: The pure self loathing in Cas’s eyes when he feels like he failed Dean by not telling him about Jack’s soul.

- 15x2: “You asked ‘what about all of this is real?’ We are.” THE MOST ROMANTIC LINE EVER. (Plus later Eileen and Sam have the same conversation but they get to kiss because homophobia)

- 15x9- 20:00 Dean said that they lost everyone they cared about, then added Cas specifically. Then he says “I had to bury him” not “we”

- 15x9- 23:00 Dean cries when he can’t find Cas. Then he prays to him and apologizes for letting him go. He falls to his knees praying to him and fully crying

- 15x12: “I created the world.” *shows Destiel*

- 15x15: This time when Dean sees Cas leaving the bunker, he stops him. (In reference to Cas saying “you didn’t stop me” when Dean got mad at him for leaving)

- 15x16: This is the the only version of Cas that rebelled for Dean. This universe is literally being saved repeatedly because of Cas’s love for Dean

- 15x18: CAS CONFESSES HIS LOVE TO DEAN then goes to mega hell for being gay

Anyway, Cas loves Dean and Dean LOVES HIM BACK, OKAY?!?!? Feel free to add more

[scoobydoofenshmirtz]

The Horny Cinematography of Seasons 4 and 5 of Supernatural

So I made this kinda silly post about how horny the late Kripke era of Supernatural was and it was mostly meant as a joke, but then it got me thinking. So I did a little bit of digging, went through some memorable scenes, and noticed some actual patterns in the way Dean and Castiel are shot versus other characters. Disclaimer: this is not exactly a scientific analysis. I didn’t rewatch the entire two seasons for this and there are probably shots with other characters that I missed that go against it, but this is just the general trend that I noticed. 

Click on the images for higher resolution. Analysis is under the cut.

So the general premise of this analysis is that Cas and Dean are shot noticeably close-up, typically staring intensely into each other’s eyes. I think we all know about the whole staring thing, but the actual close-ups were way more intense then I think some people might realize, especially when compared to other interactions between different characters. Cas in particular is shot very close-up frequently whether he’s talking to someone else or by himself (there are so many gorgeous close-ups of Misha in season 4), but the intense eye contact is pretty much only with Dean. 

It starts off almost immediately in 4x01 Lazarus Rising where in Dean and Castiel’s very first interaction, they stand very close and the camera focuses on their faces. First we have two close-ups, then in what is maybe my favorite shot in all of Supernatural, Castiel steps in closer to Dean and the close-ups get even tighter. He tilts his head and stares thoughtfully at Dean with those big blue eyes. Cut to Dean’s look of discomfort after being told (very accurately) “you don’t think you deserve to be saved.”

Things amp up in literally Castiel’s second appearance in 4x02 Are You There God? It’s Me, Dean Winchester with one of the horniest Destiel scenes in the show (again this is only their second interaction!) We have Castiel unexpectedly showing up at Bobby’s house, Dean sassing him, and Castiel stepping very close to Dean and saying “You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of Hell. I can throw you back in.” This is a very tense interaction with some beautiful low key lighting that pretty much went extinct after season 5. Notice how tight the frame is, even compared to 4x01. These are extreme close-ups where both Dean and Castiel’s chins and foreheads are cut out of the frame. 

Castiel’s third appearance in 4x03 In the Beginning is a lot more prominent as he has many scenes throughout the episode instead of just one. I’m not gonna include pictures of all of them because there’s lot, but there are plenty of close-ups and intense gazes between the two (e.g. sitting on the bed, “Hello Dean. What were you dreaming about?” which according to Misha, Kim manners said was “too gay” but they did it like that anyway) and contains the first time they touch and the first time they are shot in more high key lighting. Go rewatch the episode if you want to see more lovely close-ups between Dean and Cas. 

Next I would like to draw your attention to episode 4x07 It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester. This is Castiel’s fourth appearance and the first time we see him interact with a character who’s not Dean. This is where the differences between how they’re shot start to become apparent. First we have Sam’s first interaction with Castiel (greetings blood freak) that is shot with standard close-ups. Eventually, Dean comes in, conversation happens blah blah blah and we get to the more intense discussion about how the angels want to destroy the town. The discussion is between Dean, Cas, Sam, and Uriel, but Dean and Cas get most of the focus. The camera tells us that they are the main subjects in this scene. Dean and Cas are shot more close-up and tighter and they are standing closer and looking in each others eyes unlike Sam who is looking back and forth between them and standing a few steps back. 

Of course this doesn’t stop in season 4. Here is a similar example from 5x02 Good God, Ya’ll! but the difference between Dean and Cas and Sam is even more obvious. This is the “I'm hunted, I rebelled, and I did it, all of it, for you,” exchange which I find interesting. Some people could say here that Cas means “you” plural as in Sam and Dean but the Camera is so focused on just Dean and Cas while Sam just sorta hangs there in the background. 

One thing that I think is interesting is that these types of shots-extreme close-ups with two characters looking into each other’s eyes and standing no feet apart-are not necessarily exclusive to Dean and Cas, but they are usually in a different context. Pretty much all (at least that I could remember) the other examples of this type of shot are between one character and a villain. Below we have three fairly intense confrontations between characters, Sam and Uriel in 4x07 It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester, Dean and Alastair in 4x16 On the Head of a Pin, and Dean and Cas in 4x22 Lucifer Rising. The composition is almost exactly the same with similar lighting as well, but one of these things is not like the other. Very obviously Cas is not a villain and this scene in particular is a huge moment for his character that cements his decision to fully rebel against Heaven for Dean. 

Also characters that tend to be that close together looking into each other’s eyes in two shots are usually villains except for Dean and Cas. Below we have a shot of Ruby and Sam very close together right before he drinks her blood and a very close-up shot of Dean and Alastair both in 4x16 On the Head of a Pin. Compare that to the two shot from 4x02 Are You There God? It’s Me, Dean Winchester above for example. There is a certain sexual nature in these two villain scenes (and a lot of villain interactions on Supernatural in general). Obviously, Sam and Ruby are literally having sex, but Alastair is also portrayed as a villain who sexually objectifies his victims (the torture scene with Ruby, calling Dean “Daddy’s little girl, etc.) but Cas is not a villain and yet the framing is very similar. 

Now I want to compare two fight scenes, one in season 4 and one in season 5. Here we have the fight scene between Ruby and Sam in 4x09 I Know What You Did Last Summer. Ruby is of course a sexy lady who Sam sleeps with in a sexy fight scene where she “proves” that she wants to help Sam by killing the other demon instead of Sam. But of course, the fight scene in 5x18 Point of No Return is shot way more close-up and Dean and Cas are inches away from each other. While I wouldn’t described this scene as “sexy” (Cas is literally beating Dean to a pulp) it is way more charged...intimate isn’t exactly the right word but there’s a similar but more intense erotic energy than in the fight scene with Ruby. 

Unrelated side note: there is a great use of breaking the 180 degree rule in this scene that I think works way better in this instance at disorienting the viewer than the shaky cam does. 

Next I have some random examples I noticed that show some of the different shots between characters. We have Anna in 4x10 Heaven and Hell right before she has sex with Dean. It’s fairly close-up, but still pretty loose framing compared to a lot of scenes between Dean and Cas. Anna’s entire face is still in the frame. Then we have a scene between Sam and Ruby in 4x09 I Know What You Did Last Summer that is also not as close-up as a lot of Dean and Cas scenes. On the bottom is a shot from 5x17 99 Problems which is I think the closest Sam and Cas physically get in these seasons before they ever hug. It’s more of a medium close-up than most of the scenes between Dean and Cas where they get that close. Lastly I have probably the tightest close-ups between Dean and Cas from 4x16 On the Head of a Pin. It’s similar to the shots from 4x02 but the context is pretty different with Cas trying to reassure Dean about the apocalypse. I know these don’t really have a theme but I thought they were good examples of the general pattern.

Finally I would like to point out a scene that is sort of the opposite which is the infamous staring scene in 4x21 When the Levee Breaks that goes on for like an hour. I don’t really know what to say about this scene only that I can’t believe it’s real. They literally just stand and stare at each other.

So what’s the point of all this? I honestly don’t really know. None of these observations are hard and fast rules and I’m sure there are times when other characters are shot like this. However, Dean and Cas seem to be the only ones consistently framed this way-tight close-ups, staring into each other’s eyes standing zero feet apart. What does it all mean? To me it shows that their bond is unique and special (profound you might say). It’s not even like they’re shot in a similar manner to love interests, it’s that their framing is unique, it stands out. Was it on purpose? Maybe. How shots end up looking is interesting because it really is the work of a lot of different people including the director, the cinematographer, the editors and more. I don’t think they were thinking “we should film Dean and Cas in this very intense way because they’re in love” or anything, but they obviously recognized there was something special between these two characters. And truly, the intentions don’t matter all that much to me. What’s there is there, and watching it the first time around I noticed how close Dean and Cas always were and watching it back post 15x18 all those shots stand out even more to me. There’s really no conclusion here, but I think it’s interesting to look a bit more closely at the cinematography in TV shows that we don’t always think of as having the highest quality production. There’s a lot of layers to be discovered outside of scripts and acting and things we tend to focus on more as viewers. 

[estrel]

It’s in the Knowing (that Wishes Come True)

destiel december 2020 prompt: sledding + spn advent calendar 2020 prompt: wishes wc: ~1.4k

[READ ON AO3] 

“Dean, you had,” Sam huffs, “infinite possibilities at your disposal. And you wished for–for this?”

Dean’s a little confused, too, looking out at the mountains. Almost every inch is covered with a layer of snow, but by far, the hill they’re standing on has the thickest blanket. Dean’s feet sink into it a little when he shifts his weight, studying their surroundings.

Apart from the clearing they’re in, the place is littered with trees. Dean’s gaze follows the trunks up, until he’s looking at the sky, which is quickly losing light. He thinks he can make out the beginning twinkles of constellations, and when he laughs, a puff of frosty breath obscures them for a moment before fading off.

Then he smells it—something like firewood, he thinks, and turns towards it. Eyes still searching the tops of the trees, Dean catches sight of a thin column of smoke, likely from a cabin nearby.

A few feet away from them, a tree branch packed with snow loses its hold, and the whump of the snow hitting the ground startles Dean out of his thoughts.

“I don’t know, man,” Dean says, “It’s not like I really had a choice. I just, you know, just had this thought, I guess, and now…we’re here.”

He turns back to Sam, who focuses on Dean once more, seemingly having caught sight of the smoke too.

“I’m assuming…those have something to do with it?”

Dean’s eyes follow the direction Sam’s finger is pointing to, which is a somewhere on the ground and behind Dean, off to his left. Just at the edge of the hill sit two sleds—the old, wooden kind that seem like they’re always one good bump away from splintering into a million pieces, but somehow never do.

He chuckles, moving towards them to check them out, when Sam urgently pats his shoulder. Dean swivels around, taking in Sam’s confused—but not shocked—expression, and once more tracks his stare to see what he’s looking at. 

Dean finds himself mirroring his brother, but otherwise smiling despite himself.

“What took you so long?” He hears himself say, feels Sam looking at him weird in response. If this was his “wish,” then this only made sense—it’d just been a matter of waiting for him to show up.

Cas levels him with a stare that says ‘really?’ and Dean moves to meet him half way.

“Jackets,” Cas says, handing Dean a thick black one that looks like it’s meant for snow. Dean takes it. “And Jack,” Cas adds. With a gentle tilt of his head, Dean looks over and sees Jack, not too far away, walking briskly towards them with something small in his hands.

“You two always come out here practically naked,” Cas says, leaving Dean and handing Sam his own jacket. “And the lumberjack outfits are fine for when it’s any other season, but you do realize it’s the dead of winter, right?”

“Well, you…” Dean starts, about to tell him off for the dress shoes and trench coat he’s never seen without, except that Cas isn’t wearing them, he’s…

“Cas, is that—are those—are you wearing boots?” Sam asks, a lilt of amusement in his voice.

Cas looks down, frowning. “These are my snow boots. Dean got them for me last Christmas.” He shoots Dean a confused glance, as though Dean should be in on this, and Sam was the one acting deluded. Dean can’t really bring himself to care, too busy smiling at the rest of Cas’ outfit.

He’s about to comment on the snow pants, which are black and baggy over Cas’ lower half, but Jack makes it to them just in time, pushing something into Cas’ chest.

“You forgot your beanie,” Jack explains, and then looking up at them, “I thought you guys came out ahead of us so you could ‘get the sleds ready.’ Cas and I started on the cookies so they should be done by the time we get back.”

Dean watches Cas slip the beanie on, losing his breath a little at the sight. The thought occurs to him—when he’s looking long enough to notice Cas’ red nose and ears and cheeks—that angels don’t usually get cold.

“Hang on—you left the oven on unattended?” Sam says. Pulling his eyes away from Cas, Dean chuckles at the wild look on Sam’s face, like he’s half ready to bolt for the cabin to stop it from catching fire.

“Of course not.” Jack frowns at him like he should know better. “I charmed it with the spell you taught me. It’ll shut off automatically when it’s done.”

Sam relaxes, forcing a smile. “Right. Uh, Dean? Can we talk for a second?”

Dean follows him around to the nearest tree, which is far enough away that Jack and Cas probably won’t hear them over their own conversation (Dean thinks he hears something about hot chocolate) if they talk quietly enough.

“We can’t stay here,” Sam says, “We have to find a way out.”

Dean wets his lips, “I know, Sammy, but…” He looks over at Jack and Cas.

Sam is quiet for a second before he notes, “You want to stay.”

He shrugs. “Just…just for a little while longer. We can–we can go sledding, eh? We haven’t done that since we were kids! And then—then we can figure out a way out of here.”

Sam has a look of growing concern on his face, something Dean thinks is teetering too close to pity.

“What?” He jokes, “You’re telling me you don’t wanna see those two sled? It’s not for us, Sam, it’s for the nerdy angels over there.”

His brother manages a smile, which is a relief. “Sure,” he says gently. Dean pretends not to hear it, heading now for the sleds and waving them all over.

He pulls the sleds apart, placing them each by the hill’s edge, but not so close that sitting on them would be enough to send them flying down the slope.

“Okay,” Dean starts, “How do we want to do this?”

Dean knows the answer before anyone says it. Better stated: he knows his wish before anyone else does.

“The logical route would be to pair up,” Cas says seriously, “You and Sam have done this before, so each of you gets a sled.”

Dean feels his chest go tight with anticipation for a second, and then it subsides. He nods.

“Good idea. Who—”

“I’ll go with Jack,” Sam interrupts, a wry smile on his face. Dean quirks his lips in a smile, cocking his head to the side in a mild ‘screw you’ gesture to his brother. He turns to Cas.

“Well, hop on then Louise and we’ll sail off this cliff together,” Dean says. He waits for the recognition to spark in Cas’ eyes and he smiles—for real this time—as Cas situates himself in the front of the sled. He spares Jack and Sam a glance, amused at how Sam is struggling not to take up most of the sled with his legs, before sitting down behind Cas. 

And he stays like that for a moment, sitting awkwardly and gathering his courage, until he musters up enough to wrap his legs around him.

“I’m nervous,” he hears Jack say. Dean thinks, Me too. Sam laughs and reassures Jack that it’ll be fine.

“Okay, uh, you’re gonna have to lean back once we kick off, alright?” Dean instructs, trying to remember how to do this. 

“You promise I won’t fall?” 

Dean swallows. “Nah. I’ll hang on to you.”

“Let’s race,” Sam says. He can feel him staring and avoids Sam’s gaze. He’ll blame the tint on his cheeks and ears on the cold, if Sam ever asks. 

Dean scoffs, “You’ll lose.”

“Prove it,” Sam responds, and then he’s pushing off and leaving them in the dust.

Dean’s surprised by the laugh that escapes him, and then he’s pushing off too, and he and Cas are propelled down the snowy slope after the others.

Cas leans back as instructed. Dean’s pretty sure the guy can feel the rush of his heartbeat with his back on Dean’s chest like that, but Dean can also feel Cas’ steel grips on his legs, nails digging into his shins. 

He laces an arm around Cas’ chest, pressing him closer. “I’ve got you!” he reminds him. 

There’s a beat, and then over the sound of the wind whipping against their faces, Cas says, “I know.”

-

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[hawkland]

(Mostly) Destiel Fic Recs #5

This is a LONG recs post because it’s been a while since I did an update and I fell hard into reading one author’s work (DeanRH). In fact I could easily do a rec post just of their fics alone, but for this round I’m just going to pick out a handful of my absolute favorites so far, the ones I’d recommend to start out with, along with more other authors’ works I’ve especially enjoyed lately.

Absolution at the Five-and-Dime by DeanRH (125k)  - this is perhaps THEE DeanRH fic to start with if you want a good, long read with a little bit of everything (Roadtrips! Intriguing casefic! Americana! Tasty Dean/Cas pining! Wing!kink and unique angel lore! Kinky soul fisting and tentacles!) It’s kind of two of parallel stories in one: the first, a flashback to Dean and Sam's first year hunting on their own (as well as trying to avoid hunting, and John in general); the second on how Dean and Cas finally get together during an unusual case and when Dean is able to really let go of his past trauma and accept himself/accept love from Cas. 

What I love about DeanRH’s work is that they write from the unique point of view of a drifter, so they understand living on the road, traveling place to place, and the highs and lows of that life like no others I’ve encountered in SPN before. (The author’s notes are often as much fun to read as the stories themselves). They also write a kickass angel!Cas and never lose sight of his non-human traits and background. Their writing style is unique - almost poetic in nature, and I know some readers have found it difficult to get into. But it works really well for me in their SPN fic...gives it the flavor of oral story telling as might actually happen at a drifter’s camp (with one story written exactly as such). Be warned this particular fic does play up the idea of John Winchester being mentally abusive and Dean having to turn tricks when he was younger in order to support him and Sam, so there is some dark stuff. But as someone who grew up with mentally abusive parent, reading this was extremely cathartic to me and believably written (unlike some stories that go too over the top with abusive John, or just don't understand how that kind of abuse leaves lifetime psychological scars.)

The rest of this round’s recs below the cut.

Carnevale by DeanRH (18k) - Actually the first fic by this author I read, because I just couldn’t resist a story set in my favorite place in the world, Venice, Italy. Castiel is the Angel of Venice, banished there for so long he does not even know or remember the reasons why. But Carnevale season is the one time a year he can let his wings out - figuratively and literally. And during this particular Carnevale season, he meets an intriguing masked young American tourist there with his brother and their one night stand turns into something far more powerful than either expected. This one’s hot, romantic, and achingly sad at the end as it all ties together unexpectedly with canon-verse...though with a hint for the future so it’s definitely not totally sad. I loved how DeanRH clearly understands Venice as a fellow lover of the city, the side of it most tourists never see unless they spend a long time there. This story made me cry just from wanting to be back in Venice again.

Ice cream was sweeter, food more satisfying, everything was an epicurean delight. There was just something magical about Venice, and he had lived here in the city for hundreds of years, so the shine should have worn off by now.

But it didn't, and there was always something more, something wonderful to discover around the next corner. The painted eaves of a church. The beauty of two women dancing with flowers in their teeth across the Piazza San Marco one day, overcome by the sheer joy of just being there. The way the university students still created Venetian masks, like Castiel's extravagant volto mask and Dean's humble servetta muta, with crafts that had been handed down across the generations. The morning silence that lay against the stones.

Hard Landing by DeanRH (26.9k) - A bit similar in theme to Carnevale. A pre-series Dean and Sam are sight-seeing in Spain when an angel, struck by a babel-spell, crash lands right in front of Dean. A strange yet seriously hot encounter with the angel turns into something much more complicated when the brothers return home and realize something more serious is afoot and they are both trapped in the middle of it. This is another story where things are very much not as they seem at first (as fun as that is!) It features master strategist Cas at his best, with a side helping of delightful trickery care of Gabriel and Balthazar as they deal with Lucifer, Michael...and a few others along the way.

The Sacred Band of Thebes by DeanRH (14.5k) - The last DeanRH fic I’m gonna allow myself to include in this round up, because it’s just very soft and sweet and beautiful - for a story about Dean & Cas being magically transported back in time to ancient Sparta! This is another story infused with a great knowledge of place and history, with some wonderfully delightful original characters added in that make it all the more enjoyable to read.

And now on to some other authors, I promise!

IPAMIS OL OLPRIT by emmbrancsxx0 (56k). A really wonderful fic that take a different look at what might have happened with a temporarily resurrected John Winchester during Season 14. Dean & Cas are in an established relationship here, and John here isn’t too happy about it — though mostly because he sees Cas (and Jack) as monsters, the kind of monsters he spent his lifetime hunting. This is a great fic for the emotional complexity of how John, Dean and Cas are all handled. John isn’t a cardboard evil dad, Dean is struggling between his loyalty to his father and to Cas, and Cas is increasingly bitchy/frustrated at Dean still being so desperate for his father’s approval (and all the more complex for not just being a quietly suffering perfect supporting boyfriend.) There’s some great action sequences in this too along with the emotional angst and a delicious dose of hurt!Cas if that’s your thing (as it is for me :D)

Abrenuntio by Neonbat (51k). A very dark but compelling AU take on the/a apocalypse universe. Dean, Sam and John are all alive in this post-angel war-apocalyptic world. They are part of a group of human survivors fighting against the angel army when they manage to capture “Blue” — a particularly feared angel of death. Dean is tasked with bringing Blue in for interrogation and he becomes a prisoner in their camp after John is killed. As mentioned, this is a pretty dark/sad fic (with some rather gruesome torture scenes) but I still found it quite compelling as a look at how things could have gone in some other parallel universe. And somehow the author manages to make the Dean/Cas relationship come together despite them starting out as complete enemies. This is one of those AUs that works for me because the core of the characters really shine through despite the differences in the setting.

if it all fell to pieces tomorrow by spocklee (37k) - a gorgeous post-Empty rescue fic that takes an approach I haven’t really seen explored in detail before (despite being something I’ve actually thought about as something that could’ve happened.) What if Cas has spent so long denying himself happiness, and then trapped in regrets and false-rescue scenarios created by the Empty, that he can’t trust that his rescue is real? And so he runs off to be on his own - literally stealing the Impala because he can’t handle being in Dean’s presence one moment longer - and only slowly comes to terms with the idea that it’s over now and he can be happy with/around his friends and family. This one’s both deliciously angsty and at times funny/sweet, looking at Cas’s relationships not just with Dean but with Sam, Jack, Claire, even Eileen. It does some fun stuff with other returned angels and demons who now find themselves back on Earth (and human), and...I just really enjoyed this one a lot.

Both Saved and Lost by angelfishofthelord (13.7k) Gen Cas character study, absolutely gorgeous and sad and one of those fic I couldn’t stop thinking about the day after reading it. AU where Apocaverse!Cas isn’t immediately killed by our Cas during 13x22 but instead hitches a ride back to the main ‘verse. Dean and Sam want to keep him alive for information on Michael; Cas is torn and trying to figure out just how similar—or different—they really are. Some great angel stuff here (I also highly recommend this author’s Jack & Cas “dadstiel” fics, they’re equally lovely and heartbreaking at the same time.)

flesh of the mighty by Mudprophet (2.7k) - THEE “What exactly did Dean eat in Purgatory, anyway?” fic you’ve probably already heard about. *cough* I’ve been trying to work up the courage to read this one for a while and finally gave in and OH MY CHUCK I’m so glad I did. It’s perversely disturbing and beautiful at the same time, Cas is wonderfully DERANGED and ALIEN in that way that I love it when fics managed to convey just how much angels are NOT human. Do heed the tags.

Full of Grace by ilovehowyouletmefall (11k) - Another one for the weird-as-fuck-angel!Cas lovers’ list. Heaven/canon-compliant fic where Dean knows he should feel happy and at peace but he just...isn’t, even with Cas and all of his friends and family there. He finally goes looking for Cas when he’s been absent for a time and, for the first time, gets to not just see but experience his true form. Another one that hits some kinks I knew I had and others I didn’t...until now. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

don't ask me where i've been by saltwound / @1x06 (8k) - I can never resist a good 09x06 fiction gap fic! What makes this one really stand out is how well it captures Cas’s internal voice - his struggles adapting to human senses, limitations and emotions versus what/how he experienced things as an angel. The longing and feelings between Dean & Cas here are so achingly beautiful and I just wanted to cry when Cas says he misses hearing Dean’s prayers, so Dean, he...oh, I’m not going to spoil it. *happy sigh* Just read it.

this room is wrong by DarkHeartInTheSky (12k) - Sometimes I like torturing myself with some good 15x03 divorce arc angst and this fic hit that button just so. It’s an alternative take on where Cas might have ended up after leaving the bunker and features some great Cas & Sam friendship feels, when Sam sets out to try to bring Cas home. It’s all the stuff you’d wish the writers would’ve let them talk out in canon.

Well that’s more than enough for this round! Go forth, read and give some great writers some kudos & comment love!

[itmighthavebeenintentional]

We've Got Tonight - Ch 4

Summary: “It’s not your job to do this, Andy. You make people happy. I was in the diner all of ten minutes, and you knew exactly how to get me to smile. You do normal, real things like garden and sing karaoke. Saving the world is my job, Sam’s job. Sometimes it’s even Cas’s job, but it’s not yours.”

Inspired by Bob Seger’s “We’ve Got Tonight”

Warnings: Major Character Death, More Major Character Deaths (sort of?), higher than show level violence, blood, light smutting, language, demons, apocalypse, inferred suicide, cult activity.

18+ ONLY, MINORS DO NOT PROCEED

Author’s Note: This story is set hazily around season 8. Just squint a little, and it’ll settle in somewhere. I wrote this story after certain big revelations in the show, but before other big ones; you’ll most likely be able to tell which. I play with time a bit in the story itself, so if things seem out of order, they are. Hopefully, by the end, all the pieces will fit together.

What the hell, let’s give it a shot.

EXTRA WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS THE SOURCE OF MOST OF THE WARNINGS FOR THE STORY. Please don't kill me. THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER, I PROMISE. It's not over yet. I can't promise you won't hate me when it's over, but I will not leave you here. There's more.

Image and major edits by the incomparable @there-must-be-a-lock . Heavy editing and cheering by @thoughtslikeaminefield . Thank you both so much.

In case you missed it: Chapter 3 ItMightHaveBeenintentional’s Masterlist

...

We’ve Got Tonight

Ch 4

Pre-dawn is too damn cold, she decides. She has to visually check that her fingers are actually doing up the buttons to her ragged denim jacket. She lost sensation in her hands a while back, and it’s the only way to make sure they’re actually doing their job. Her jacket is utterly unsuitable for the current temperature, but she doesn’t expect to need it for much longer.

Just before sunrise, Crowley told her.

The sky is already lightening on the horizon, the medium gray more obvious than she would have thought against the stark black, but, then, she’s never had much occasion to be out quite this late before. She’s usually done at the diner by six, singing at the club by ten, and in bed by two at the latest. She hopes Crowley is punctual. She can’t decide if the waiting or the cold is worse.

Except that, yes, she really can. The waiting is definitely worse.

The sound of shifting gravel pulls her out of her thoughts, and she turns to find the King of Hell himself smiling beatifically at her. She shivers, not bothering to search out the source of her discomfort, as she is rather spoiled for choice at the moment. She’s out in the freezing dark, about to hand over her life and soul to a demon because deranged cultists got it into their heads that they should use her blood to start an apocalypse (and who knew there was more than one of those outside of Sunnydale, seriously).

Shivering is probably the most rational reaction she’s had in a while.

“Hello, darling. Pleasant evening with the boys?”

He’s got more sass in one off-the cuff remark than she has in her entire history, and for a moment she can only marvel at the affected innocence in his expression. It's almost convincing. She opts to remain silent rather than take his bait. He smirks, the expression natural and only a touch derisive.

“No surprises, then? No sidekicks to save you at the last minute from the bad, bad demon?”

“I thought the torture didn’t start until after you kill me,” she sighs, hugging her arms tighter around herself, a futile attempt to ward off the chill. Maybe she’s got a little spark in her, after all. He laughs, a friendly, personable chuckle that would set anyone else at ease, reassure them of his honorable, benign intentions.

“Come on, Crowley, what's the hold up? I was here on time. Can we just get this over with already? I could have gotten one more round in with Dean if we were just going to stand around, shootin’ the breeze.”

Even watching for it, she can only just see the tick in Crowley's jaw, the slightest tension that betrays...something. She doesn't know what or why, but Crowley has more than a little unhealthy obsession with the elder Winchester brother, and she is pleased she managed to crack his veneer even for the briefest moment.

At least I don't have to worry about Dean, Andy thinks, relief creeping into the sea of dread that is her stomach. Her deal with Crowley was not only about stopping the apocalypse but also keeping Sam and Dean and even Castiel safe.

“Once you're gone, I won’t harm a hair on their precious heads, nor any other part of them,” he swore to her a mere eighteen hours earlier.

“I’m hurt you don't find my company more pleasant, love,” he murmurs, taking a couple of steps closer. He slides his hands in his coat pockets, the very picture of nonchalance. “I do try my best to be cordial, even congenial, after all. But since you’re so very uncomfortable, I suppose you won't object, then, that I took the liberty of inviting a few friends whose company you seem to prefer. What a lovely party we’ll have when they get here.”

As if he’s summoned them, a pair of lights appear in the distance, growing larger with every passing moment. Headlights, she realizes; a second later, she hears the distinctive roaring of a very particular car engine, and before she can turn back to Crowley, the Impala leaps out of the darkness, skidding across the hard-packed dirt road, coming to a halt bare inches from the demon’s impeccably shined shoes.

Andy stumbles back, choking in the cloud of dust the car kicks up, only to hit something solid. Impossibly strong fingers dig into her chin, lifting her face out and away as cold, thin metal is pressed to the side of her neck, and only now does she freeze.

“Let her go, Crowley,” Dean growls, his gun drawn and aimed even before he exits the car. “This isn't her fight, and you know it!” On the other side, Sam and Castiel climb out, Sam drawing his gun and moving to flank the demon.

“I do heartily protest, sir,” Crowley says, his tone mild and conversational. The blade digs in ever so slightly under her ear, and a thin trickle of warmth slides down her skin to soak into her collar. Dean doesn't flinch, but his eyes narrow, and he readjusts his aim.

“Not only is the lady at the epicenter of this fight, she's gone and made herself the brightest star in the show. Ask her yourself, if you don’t believe me.”

“How-” she manages through fear-numbed vocal cords. Dean should be unconscious, snoring blissfully away in his bed where she left him. She made sure to leave no sort of trail they could follow, and she checked that they were all asleep or otherwise occupied before she took off.

“I wasn’t asleep, Andy,” Dean replies, leveling his gun at Crowley. “And I’ve been tracking since I was seven. Gimme some credit.”

“I wouldn't do that, if I were you, Moose.” Crowley’s words freeze Sam in his tracks, and the blade on Andy’s neck digs in a little deeper. The flow of warmth down her neck widens just a touch. The sheer smugness in Crowley’s tone sets her teeth on edge, breaking through her stupor, and she grabs the hand with the knife, pulling at it with all her might. She, of course, doesn’t make a dent in the demonic strength, but she’s got to try something.

If you asked her later, Andy would swear to you that the searing pain that drags along her neck parallel to her jaw line right then is pure Hellfire. Deep down in the darkest recesses of her mind where all the worst truths lurk, she knows she’s feeling the bite from Crowley’s knife, but in that instant all she is aware of is the agony of the wound, of Dean’s enraged roar, and the juxtaposition of Crowley’s gentle touch pressing her own fingers to something hot and slippery under her jaw.

“Hold pressure there, sweetheart, or you’ll bleed out too soon. Wouldn’t want you to miss the finale.”

Her knees buckle, and she drops, but somehow she stays upright long enough to see Crowley’s demons approach out of the darkness. She tries to warn the boys, but time moves with a dreamlike lethargy that betrays every one of her good intentions, and, anyway, her voice doesn’t seem to be working at the moment. The roar of gunfire all around her sounds faint in comparison to the rushing in her ears, and she is powerless to stop Crowley’s plans from reaching fruition.

“You...said...you wouldn’t...”

“Well, pet, you aren’t dead yet, are you? I’ve got, what, at least another three minutes before you snuff it, by my count. Plenty of time to conclude my business with the Winchesters and their featherbrained friend before you expire.”

Though he was right behind her only a moment ago, Crowley appears abruptly next to Castiel, who at the moment is distracted by two lesser demons both wielding machetes. She realizes as she watches Cas easily fend them off that they, just like Andy, are only a distraction, only bait to tempt the bigger players to overextend themselves.

Too late, she sees the perfection of Crowley’s plan. In all the confusion, she loses track of Sam, and she wrenches her eyes away from Dean’s staggering form only to watch as the angel blade in Crowley’s hand bursts through Castiel’s chest. Then her gentle, confused friend is gone in a flash. The demons vanish, and she can’t find Sam or Dean, can’t reach them, can’t make her voice work to call out.

The quiet is wrong, so out of place after the violent cacophony. The roaring is gone, the gunfire silenced, and all that’s left is a terrible wheezing, gurgling sound that takes her too long to recognize as her own labored breathing.

“Crow...ley…”

“I’m here, darling. What do you need?”

“Lying...bastard…”

“Now, now, sweetheart, are those really what you want your last words to be?” He lifts her easily from the ground, carrying her the few yards to where Dean lies sprawled in the dusty gravel. His shirt is stained black in the retreating darkness, and Andy can only be thankful that she won’t make it to sunrise to see what exact shade of red is spreading over him. Dean’s far hand scrabbles on the ground, stopping its frantic search only when it finds his brother’s.

Sam’s still form doesn’t return his brother’s grip.

“After all, I’ve done you a favor; I didn’t have to give you the opportunity to say good-bye. I can’t promise you adjoining cells, but I’m sure your torture will coincide with his occasionally,” Crowley continues conversationally, “so, really, the two of you should be thanking me that you’ll at least get occasional visiting privileges. It pays to be on good terms with the king, after all. And, who knows? After a couple hundred years of good behavior, I might even be persuaded to-”

“Why?” It’s all she can manage as he lays her on the ground. Dean reaches for her with his free hand, and she is just able to find his fingers. Their eyes meet, but her vision is blurring as breathing gets tougher, and she can’t see what he’s mouthing to her. Even his eyes, such a luminescent green only hours ago, are fading into the remaining dark of the night.

“The Winchesters, dear, it’s always been about the Winchesters. Oh, the fanatics and their doomsday ritual were real enough, as was your blood. I just simply took advantage of the situation, as any intelligent monarch would do. Settled things with the apocalypse groupies, rid myself of some major pains in my rear, and now I get you, to boot! I do love when a plan comes together.”

Dean’s fingers tighten in hers, and she tries to grip his back, but the harder she holds on, the less she can feel him.

She’s not really feeling much of anything but cold now.

“Shut...up...already.”

“Always ungrateful in the end, even after everything I do for them,” Crowley grumbles from above her. But then he does shut up, and she finally feels something besides the cold.

Relief. ...

Chapter 5

[adhdeancas]

Sunset Sound: God is Dead?

I might start updating twice a week because I am writing this story at BREAKNECK speed. this is my favorite chapter so far. enjoy! (special thanks to @friedchickenangelwings once again for sticking with me and my incessant rambling about this story at all hours during holidays)

Fic Summary:  Everything is the same up to the end of 15x20. Chuck has been “defeated,” but it was all a farce. When Jack absorbed Chuck, Chuck easily took over the 3 year old’s body and acted as if he were defeated. Chuck!Jack then had the Rusty Nail placed in the barn where Dean died, and with Cas gone, Dean didn’t fight it. Chuck did reimagine Heaven, but he’s fed the same lie to them all: that everything is perfect, they are free, they are in real paradise. Except it’s all an illusion insulated by blue skies and endless horizons. Because, just like the Good Place, people make Heaven into Hell for each other. And there’s nothing Chuck loves more than the natural order of tragedy. He “let it slip” to Bobby that he brought Cas back, when he really left him to rot in the Empty. Dean has to find his best friend before it’s too late, and he has to keep a happy face for everyone else, because Chuck is watching. Always watching. 

“You know?” Dean shakes his head. “What’s going on?” 

Charlie leans back against the bar. “Well, after Ash and I found each other-” they give a cute little nod of the head in sync, dorks, “through the frankly shitty wifi they’ve got up here, we got to talking.” 

“Yeah, we realized some shit just didn’t add up. Like angel radio.” Ash spins around and ducks into his backroom, coming back with a laptop that’s way more advanced than it was last time. Dean raises his eyebrows at it. “Yeah, man, it’s sick, right? Charlie upgraded my systems, it’s bitchin’.” he reaches past Dean’s shoulder to give Charlie a fist bump (enthusiastically returned) and Dean backs off. 

“Yeah, bitchin’,” Dean repeats with a grin. He’s too dumb for these people. But he sure is glad they’re on his side.  “Well, hey, show me whatcha got.” 

Ash nods and taps his temple. He mutters to himself and pulls the system toward him while Dean watches anxiously. Ash pauses and looks at him. “Dude. Gimme a second? This setup is a lil’ more complicated than your blackberry.”

Dean snorts and gives him space, followed by Charlie. “Dude. you’ve been dead too long. Blackberrys haven’t existed for like… ten years.”

Ash gives him a genial middle finger and Dean grins. Charlie sits up on the pool table and Dean leans against it next to her. “Listen, Charlie, I gotta. I gotta say sorry, again, for…” He clears his throat. 

“Dying?” Charlie asks lightly.

“Uh, yeah.” 

“Not your fault, Dean.” She shrugs, and she actually manages to look cheerful. Damn, Dean loves this chick. She puts her hand on his shoulder and shakes her head. “Seriously, Dean. Let it go! I have! Seriously, I got to spend a few years with my high school girlfriend watching Lord of the Rings - she was a cheerleader - and sneaking out to design some fucking world-altering programs with Ash! Being dead, for me, it’s kinda amazing.” She smiles at him. “Guessing you don’t feel the same though, huh?” 

Dean swallows. He doesn’t know how much he wants to say about that, but being dead… it definitely sucks. And not in the good way. “Guess it just feels like I got more to do. Now, at least.” Now that Cas is… and heaven is…

Charlie looks like she doesn’t know what to say. Luckily, they’re interrupted before she has to think of something.

“Eyo! Sorry, amigos,” he leans over backwards to look at them. “Found it.” 

Charlie jumps off the table and grabs Dean’s hand. After a few steps she shoves him with her shoulder until he bumps into Ash’s back. Dean bounces off his soft form and clears his throat. “Sorry,” he mutters, throwing a death glare back at his surrogate sister. She flashes him a smug grin before focusing back on the computer screen. 

Ash recovers from getting jostled in time to point. “Yeah, so, we got word on Angel FM that this Jack kid is goin’ real Jim Jones over here.” He holds a finger up at several paragraphs as he’s flipping through them. “Preachin’ all kinda love and peace and hippy commune shit, but if somebody even questions it, he snaps. Naomi no-likey,” He smirks up at Dean and points to a group of cuss-words even Dean barely uses. “Rough translation.” 

Dean shakes his head. “That doesn’t sound like Jack.” Jack, especially Jack-with-a-soul, almost never got mad. I mean, he’d spent quality time with Lucifer without blowing up. The kid is level-headed to a fault. “Anything else?”

Ash frowns at him. “Y’know, going through angels’ personal phone calls is a lotta work.” 

Dean rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, you’re a genius. Got anything else?” 

“Ash, what about the human rumors?” 

Ash looks at Charlie and they have a silent battle of wills, but Dean’s too impatient to see who wins. “What human rumors?” 

They pause and come to an agreement. “Fighting. People fighting. Couples. Families. Friends. All over, since the reboot. People are happy, but… it’s like earth. People can talk - people can fight.” 

“And?” Dean raises his eyebrows. There’s something they’re not telling him, and he thinks he knows what.

Ash raises them right back. He’s not about to divulge. “Hombre, this ain’t earth. People are supposed to be happy. If they ain’t… like a glitch in the matrix, y’know?

Dean grunts. “Anything else weird on the radio? Anything at all.” 

Ash’s sigh sounds labored. He leans back in his chair and wobbles, obviously sorting through all the enochian bullshit he’s read over the past… whenever. “Meh… I got… I don’t know, God was singing?” 

“Singing? Singing what?” Dean leans in, intent. If it was Taylor Swift, Beyonce, maybe Lizzo… 

Ash cocks an eyebrow. “Folk shit. Indie music.” 

That’s what Dean was afraid of. “Shit.”

“Why? What does that mean?” Charlie grabs onto his arm. 

Dean’s worst fears, that’s what. “It means that ain’t my kid. It’s Chuck.” 

“Who the hell is that?” Ash stands up as Dean walks away, cursing every stupid atom that had decided to make this dumb universe. Although, he guesses, that was Chuck’s purview too. 

“He’s god! God before the reboot I mean, the dick who up and left and only came back to screw me and Sam over. Fuck, I thought we’d finally gotten out from under his thumb! Now, apparently, he’s just using my kid for his meat-suit.” Dean takes a deep breath. This is bad. Worse than bad-bad. 

“So… what do we do? How do we nuke God?” Charlie asks the question like it’s normal, just another Saturday afternoon. 

Dean thumps his forehead onto the nearest table. Sure, sure, good, great. They were back to square fucking one. “I don’t fucking know,” 

“Alright, break it down. We need more mojo, right? How do we get more mojo?” 

“Well, angels are the next best thing, right? Maybe if we get them all together, they’re obviously not psyched about folk-God, or whatever,”

Ash points at her like she’s a genius. “Alright, yeah!” 

“Guys, there aren’t enough angels left to even try.” Dean feels hopeless. There’s nothing to do. They are literally out of options. There’s no hope. 

“Well, where can we get some more angels, then?” 

Dean stands up. “I know a place.” His heart feels like it’s being squeezed like a lemon. It’s a crazy idea. It’s practically impossible. And probably suicide. And he’s gotta find a way. “We gotta break open the Empty.” 

“The Empty?” Ash looks skeptical. Dean smirks. 

“Yeah, angel/demon afterlife. We punch our way in there and we’ve got juice for days, man.” He spreads his arms out, asks the question. 

Ash glances at Charlie then back at Dean. He sniffs and nods. “I’m in.” 

Dean looks to Charlie, who scoffs. “Duh. Of course. So what, we get in and say pretty please help us kill your dad?” 

A warm feeling spreads through Dean’s chest. “Well, we’ll have a little help on the inside. Cas.”

“Castiel? The angel dude?” 

“He’s dead?” Charlie’s voice has much more concern than Ash’s. Dean nods in response to both questions. It still makes him feel like he’s swallowing glass to think about it. “What happened?” 

Dean looks down at his boots. It’s only the scene that keeps playing on repeat behind his eyelids. Cas crying, holding onto his shoulder, telling him… telling him goodbye. Telling him that. “He saved me.” he starts, expression guarded. “He made a deal.” 

Ash grunts and nods, ready to drop it. Charlie stays quiet too, but she clearly wants to say something. Dean’s thankful for the drop. He doesn’t know what he’d say if they asked more. All he knows is that he needs Cas back. And he needs to talk to him. He needs to tell him that - that he wants him to just stay fucking put, damn it. That he needs to stop dying on him. And that he can’t just go and say something like that and then leave. It’s a bitch-ass move. 

“Yo, Deano?” 

Dean jerks his head back up. “Yeah. Sorry.” 

“How do we jail-break ‘em?” 

“Guessing we’re gonna need some serious magic shit. And since we can’t get to Rowena…” 

Ash breaks into a wide grin. “Pamela? I’ll give her a call.” 

Pamela is “busy,” so they have to wait for her to finish up with Jesse before she can come by. Dean has to hand it to her, it’s just about the most Pamela thing in the world to put off their realms-saving work for a heavenly hookup. Dean hangs around talking for a bit, filling his friends in on the latest on Earth, but he can’t concentrate. Ever since they’d decided the next thing is to get into the Empty, he can’t relax. He takes his beer and goes outside to wait, settling down on the Roadhouse’s front step to watch for Pamela.

After a bit, Charlie plops down next to him, a soft grin on her lips. He returns it half-heartedly before looking out across the clearing. She leans her head against his shoulder. A few minutes pass in comfortable silence before she turns into him. “So we gotta get into the Empty.” she sighs. Dean nods glumly. Just his fucking luck. Even heaven is ruined. But at least… at least they’ve got a shot. “And get Castiel.” 

Dean frowns and pulls away to look at her. Maybe it’s just his paranoia, but he hears some deeper meaning in her voice. “The guy died for me. I gotta,” he presses his lips together, hating himself for the half-lie he’s telling. Cas deserves better. Charlie just nods and watches, like she’s waiting for him to keep going. When he manages to talk again, his voice cracks. “We gotta get him, Charlie.” 

Charlie pulls him into a side hug. “I always said he was dreamy, that angel.” She points out. Dean snorts. He remembers. He’d blushed like an idiot after she said that the first time. 

“Yeah.” He mutters. Okay, so she knows. That he and Cas are… that Dean’s… good. Cas deserves recognition. He deserves someone to talk about him. For Dean to talk about him. But then Charlie just hasn’t spoken, and he feels like he needs some explanation. “I… there were other guys, before him.” He continues, clearing his throat. His mind wanders to Benny and Lee, Crowley. “But he’s… he’s it.” 

He risks a look at Charlie and she is just staring at him with a fond smile. She surges forward and kisses his cheek, squealing. “Yes, I fucking knew it, you bisexual dumbass! Bi, right?” 

Dean laughs. “Yeah, I guess- wait, you knew?” 

Charlie looks around, like Dean’s a dumbass it was so obvious. “Well, yeah, dude. Game recognize game.” She motions between the two of them and he scoffs. That’s right. Gaydar. That would’ve been nice to have for the last, oh, 12 years? “We’ll get him back.” 

Dean pulls Charlie in for another hug and leaves her tucked under his arm until a motorcycle pulls up and Pamela gets off, shaking her hair loose like a blind slow-motion model in a porno. She grins at the pair on the steps like she can see them. “Take a picture, you two. It’ll last longer.”

“How did you-”

She throws a hand out in dismissal. “Please, I can feel ogling from a mile away.” She pauses, laughing at the embarrassed silence Charlie and Dean are sporting. “Nah, I’m just joking. I do the hair-shake for a reason. I deserve a good stare. Hell, it’s half the reason I own this motorcycle.” She throws her helmet in the general direction of the motorcycle and greets her friends. Dean can’t decide whose hug is more flirty, his or Charlie’s. 

“Alright, bitches. Let’s séance some shit.” 

tag list: (ask or dm to be removed or added)

@dochunterwitch  @justonecitizenoftheearth @gnbrules @purpe @castiel-is-a-cat @alienapparatus

[normalrelativity]

Space

[light angst with fluff, 1.5k words, read on Ao3]

Pairing: Dean Winchester/Castiel Rating: Teen and up audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings apply Characters: Dean Winchester, Castiel, Sam Winchester, Eileen Leahy Additional tags: Not Canon Compliant, post 15x19, light angst, happy ending, fluff, Dean Winchester needs therapy, but cas is doing his best

Summary: After Dean tells Cas he needs some space, a newly human Cas does his best. 

“It’s the natural order-”

“Oh, don’t give me that shit!“

“You need to realize we can’t just hold their hands out there-“

“And you need to teach those fucking kids better!” Dean shouted across the war table at Sam, whose jaw had been clenched and eyes cast to the side for the better part of the argument.  They’d just gotten back from burning the second body in a month, both fairly new hunters, and Dean was fed up.  Most everyone else had already gone to bed after a long day at the bar—Dean had shut the place down and it had been a true hunter’s wake—leaving the two of them alone to finally hash this out.

“They’re not bad hunters, Dean!” Sam argued, sounding exasperated and defensive.  He almost  looked like he wanted to cry.  “How many good hunters did we watch-“ he stopped abruptly after a severe look from his older brother, resignation settling over his features.  “We’re trying the best we can.  First thing tomorrow, Eileen and I will sit down and figure something out.”

“You’d better,” Dean warned, turning away from Sam and stomping off in the direction of his room.  The natural order of things, Dean thought.  Even though he knew Jack was trying to rebuild heaven and the count wasn’t so severely skewed anymore, it was still hard for Dean to accept losing people.  Especially people who’d trusted them.

When he turned the corner into his room, he shucked his jacket off and hung it up on the rack beside the door.  Cas was stretched out on the bed reading, back propped up against the headboard and legs crossed at his ankles.  His hair was slightly tousled and he was wearing a grey t-shirt and red flannel pajama pants.  Part of Dean still had a hard time adjusting to seeing Cas in clothes that weren’t his suit and trench coat.  “Are you okay?”  Cas asked as he turned the page of the book he was reading, and it was only then that Dean realized he’d been looking a little bit too long.  He huffed out a sound that was barely more than a mumble and Cas closed the book, carefully placing it on the nightstand.  

“What?” Dean asked when he saw the way Cas was looking at him, fingers folded together in his lap and head tilted slightly to the side.  “And don’t tell me you’re going to side with him.”

Cas shook his head, brows furrowed.  Dean wished he would have said something.  After a few more beats of silence, that wish was granted.  “It’s not your fault, Dean.  Those boys—their deaths aren’t on you or your brother.” 

Practically deflating at that, Dean’s hands sought out the back of his desk chair and he used it to prop himself up.  As he looked around, trying to mentally find the words he was looking for, his gaze landed on the soot that still coated his forearms and he set his jaw.  “No, they are. Sure, they wanted in this life and knew the risks, but we can do better.  We’ve got to do better.”

“Dean-“

“No, I am sick and tired of losing people young!” He heard the way his own voice had boomed out of him.  Cas didn’t flinch, didn’t make any indication of being upset or otherwise affected by the volume, but Dean still felt guilty for having yelled at him.  “Sorry,” he mumbled, straightening his back and running his hands over his face.  

Cas sighed, leaning forward a little.  “What do you need, Dean?”  

In all honesty, he’d been thrown off by the question.  It wasn’t really a matter of what he needed--other than for people to just stop dying, but that didn’t seem very likely any time soon.  “I don’t—I don’t know, Cas.  I think I just need a little space right now,” he sighed, raising his arms to take another layer off.  “I’m gonna go shower.” 

The water ran over him, steaming and loud against the quiet of the bathroom until the muscles in his shoulders relaxed and he was warm all over.  As he turned the water off, he briefly wondered how big the water heaters in the bunker were--he couldn’t recall ever running out of hot water.  Seeing his reflection in the mirror pulled him out of that thought.  The bags under his eyes were more prominent than normal and he ran the towel in his hands over his face and up through his hair to keep himself from focusing on how tired he looked.  Instead, he pulled on his robe over his t-shirt and boxers and padded back to his room.

This time, the former angel was nowhere to be found.  Dean sank down onto the bed, shaking his head and actively trying to keep the panic at bay.  What had he said to him before he left the room earlier?  Something about needing space?  He scoffed, rubbing at his eyes with his fists.  “Not that much space, dumbass,” he said to the empty room as if that would summon Cas back.  When it didn’t, he reached over for his phone to try to call him.  

No sooner did he have his phone unlocked and Cas’s contact pulled up than Cas walked back through the door with a cardboard box in his hands.  The photo on the outside showed a small orb that had been 3-D printed to resemble the moon, but the real effect was given when the light on the inside was turned on and the craters and hills were illuminated against the otherwise smooth surface. 

“I got you the moon.  Sort of.  It’s the best I can do, under the circumstances.”  The joke jarred Dean out of the mood he was in and he blinked at the box for a few seconds.  The lines on his face smoothed out a little as his tense expression melted away into fondness for the man standing in front of him.  “You know, Earth had been the main show, but watching the creation of the moon was fascinating,” Cas mused, long fingers prying the box open and pulling the lamp out of its packaging.  He held it up and inspected it, the corner of his mouth pulling up into a grin as he remembered.  “Obviously not all of the craters were there at first but the ones that were-“ his sentence was cut short by two hands framing his face.  

“It’s perfect,” Dean breathed, leaning in to press his lips against Cas’s.  

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean apologized to Sam and Eileen the next morning over breakfast, and even sat down with them while they restructured the way they assigned cases.  

“It’s somethin’,” Dean told Cas as they crawled into bed later that night.  “I’m not saying it’s gonna keep the death count at zero, but it’s peace of mind for everybody.” 

“That’s good,” Cas nodded, lifting his arm up to wrap around Dean’s shoulders as Dean wrapped an arm securely around his middle.  “You know, Jack’s been making some real changes.  Positive ones.  I know it isn’t easy to see someone go but it’s--“ 

“If you say ‘the natural order’, I swear-“

Cas laughed at that, muffling the sound a little into Dean’s hair.  “I was going to say it’s different than before.  I know things were rocky for a while, but I do think he was raised correctly.”  

Dean gave a low hum and reached back to turn his bedside lamp off, the only light coming from the little moon lamp that he’d put on Cas’ bedside table.  He’d already made a mental note to pick up some of those glow in the dark stars the next time he was in town, if only as an inside joke.  Hell, he could probably turn one of the extra rooms in the bunker into a planetarium if he really put the work into it.  He might just have to do that, if only to see the look on Castiel’s face.  And maybe to hear him ramble about creation again.

Settling back into the embrace, Dean turned his head slightly to press his ear to Cas’ chest.  He wasn’t sure when, but listening to Cas’s heartbeat had become a habit of his.  It was grounding in a way few other sounds were--listening to a heart beat in a chest that belonged to someone that loved him without condition, without question.  As much as it had turned into an inside joke between them, no amount of space would be able to calm him as much as that sound could.   For a few moments (decidedly not selfish moments; he’d worked too hard and fought too long for this and damn it, he was going to enjoy it) he listened, feeling the gentle rise and fall as Cas’s breathing started to even out as he drifted off.  “Cas?” Dean asked, not wanting to lift his head just yet.  He was met with a hum that reverberated under his ear and he smiled.  “I love you.”

“I love you too, Dean.”

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: Despair (15x18)

I'm having an out of body experience, I cannot believe this. Last night was legitimately one of the weirdest nights of my life, and not just because of *gestures broadly* but also because of *gestures broadly* and myriad other small but still totally bizarre personal things coming at me from all angles... strap in, y'all, I've got some shit to say.

Cons:

We're gonna talk about it. Ohhhh, we're gonna talk about it. But let's start with some other shit before we get there.

So... are we ignoring "Dean was willing to let Jack sacrifice himself" or something? Like there was that moment with Sam and Dean where they talked about it, and Dean apologizes for pulling a gun on Sam, and Sam is like "oh it's okay Dean, no worries." But at the beginning of this episode, Dean seems to be just as worried for Jack, and as protective of him, as the others, with absolutely no acknowledgment of what happened in the last episode. This... should have mattered. There should have been some regrouping and some serious talks about this. Seriously.

The Thanos snap thing... guys, when Infinity War did it in 2018, it was kind of fun and shocking and cool, and we knew the deaths wouldn't be permanent but it was still wild to watch our heroes react to such an immense loss and then leave us all in limbo for a year. This... is not that. The sheer tone-deafness of having this episode contain a moment of domesticity for AU!Charlie and her cool egg-making girlfriend Stevie, only to have Stevie vanish... and then to end the episode with the biggest queer-bait/bury your gays moment imaginable... like...

Okay, sorry, no, saving the Destiel thing until I've sorted out the rest of this nonsense. The point is, seems pretty clear that the deaths in this episode (other than Cas') are temporary, and Supernatural already has the biggest power creep problem of any show I've ever seen... they really couldn't think of another way to up the stakes for the ending, other than doing the thing where everyone gets killed? Didn't... Crowley... already do this to them several seasons back? Am I hallucinating? There's nothing new under the sun with this show.

Why does this show introduce things and resolve them in a single episode? Like, big, huge things? We just figured out Death was trying to double-cross them, and now by the end she's dead? This show either limps along and does nothing, or speeds through plot stuff at lightning-speed. These last two episodes were big and dramatic and full of Plot but in a way where it all feels kind of unreal. Pacing issues like whoa.

And speaking of. Ahem. Okay. Let's... let's do this. I have some things about the Destiel scene that I'm going to put in the "pros" section below, and hopefully as you read on you'll understand why it's really hard for me to be black and white about it. If I had to, if I had to determine whether I am "happy" or "sad" or "grateful" or "angry" I'd say... sad and angry, 97%? Like? Let's dive in, here.

Setting aside the larger context, a couple of smaller notes:

Acting-wise, what the fuck was Jensen doing in this scene? Misha was acting his whole heart out and Jensen gave him nothing to play off of. I don't understand how Jensen accidentally played Dean so obviously in love with Cas all this time, and then in this moment, no-homo'd it so fucking hard. Even the stage directions in the script page that was floating around said that Dean didn't reciprocate. That's dumb, like, in a shipping sense it's disappointing, but also... Dean, what was your face doing while Cas gave his whole monologue about how amazing you are? What a great and loving man you are? Even if he hadn't ended the whole thing by saying "I love you" and then dying right in front of your eyes, surely you would have been feeling some kind of way about the whole situation?

Also, the scene was shot so awkwardly, there was too much space between them, and then Cas pushes Dean out of the way and he just sits there on the floor with Pikachu-face while The Empty opens up and takes Death and Cas away, making these weird shocked noises... Supernatural often has awkward pacing when dramatic things are happening in action scenes, where certain people have to stand still like it's not their turn on the initiative order in a D&D fight or something, and this was one of the more embarrassing and awkward examples of that.

Cas' deal with The Empty has not been brought up practically since it happened. Cas has been sidelined as a character a lot this season, the past couple seasons, really, but we had this hanging over our heads, right? When Cas says "I've figured it out, true happiness isn't in having, it's just in saying it", the moment doesn't really work on a character level, because we didn't get to see Cas do any of that figuring out. We didn't know he was curious about his true happiness, we didn't know it was an internal struggle/debate for him, wondering what it could be. A lot of Destiel people wanted it to be Dean confessing his love to Cas, and that being the true happiness... but of course that would never happen in a million years. Others thought it would be "yay we defeated the big evil, we can all be a happy family together," oh snap, I'm too happy, goodbye. Which would have been... weirdly anticlimactic, but at least would have made some level of narrative sense. This idea that telling Dean how he feels would bring Cas peace is... well, it's okay, it's fine in isolation, but there's no buildup to it, no tension to his moment of "realization."

And now to fry some bigger fish...

Let's forget about the fact that we never thought this would happen to begin with. Is it actually... worse that it did? Seriously, queer angel man confesses his love to stoic human man who stands there without making a single expression, and the act of confessing said love, knowing it's not reciprocated, knowing he won't get to be with Dean or even be near him ever again, is enough to make Castiel so truly happy that he's willing to die peacefully and forever, all in the act of saving Dean's life? Is that not... like... textbook homophobia? People toss around "bury your gays" a lot and I think what they're missing is that the trope doesn't automatically apply just because a queer character dies. It means a queer character dies because of their queerness, or they are revealed to be queer but can't get any measure of happiness and then they die immediately. This is textbook that. The act of confessing his GAY LOVE is what KILLED CAS. It's a one-to-one sequence of events. It's not a coincidence that Cas died right after saying this. Saying this is what made him die. That's... appalling. Truly, in a very real sense, it's appalling.

Another thing I haven't seen people talk about much is the manufactured nature of this sacrifice. We just found out Billie was going to turn on them at the end of the last episode. If Cas was going to die in a sacrifice-y way, did it have to happen now when Billie was basically just knocking on the door trying to get at Dean for a last-minute revenge thing, even though Billie was already at death's door? This was so contrived, like, can Cas not whoosh them away to somewhere else? Keep them running until Billie succumbs? I get that it wouldn't have been easy, and maybe Billie could have caught up to them anyway, but my point is, they manufactured this moment to be "the only way" that Dean could survive, making Cas' sacrifice so noble and necessary or whatever... but I was sitting there thinking there's got to be another way. If they'd wanted to write in another way, there could have been. The inevitability felt so very contrived. And, as mentioned, the impact of dying on this show has lost all meaning, so even Billie trying to kill Dean, squeezing his heart in his chest, did absolutely nothing for me. I knew he'd be fine, because there are two more episodes left. And if Cas hadn't been there to do what he did, Dean would still have been fine because he's Dean. Am I making any sense?

We have two more episodes left. I am... fairly confident Misha won't be in those episodes. All context, both within the show and without, points to that. I truly think that after all this time, he gets the only ending in the whole show that's unambiguously unsalvageable and tragic. We have a world where the afterlife exists and people can hang out there, but The Empty is a different beast, and this means Cas is... gone. Permanently. Like, his consciousness no longer exists, he's caput. They could bring him back from The Empty, in fact, they've already done it once... but if they decide not to, that's just... where we leave things, and that's brutal and unnecessarily grim. The other characters, even if we get an end-of-show TPK (which would be STUPID, more on that later), could at least have canon or implied-canon reunions in the afterlife. If we don't see Eileen again, we can get the implied ending of her coming back to life, or Sam dying and joining her in Heaven. Same with Charlie, with Charlie's new girlfriend, with Bobby, with Donna, with every other character that's died along the way, including Mary Winchester and OG Charlie, OG Bobby, whatever you want. The fact that Cas gets this, after everything, is truly the part I'm the most sad about, setting aside love confessions entirely.

So as I said, two more episodes. I'm worried that Cas dying is gonna get swallowed up with everyone dying and not get its due, thus making the confession completely isolated. Like, here you go, gays, have this one scene, which, in isolation is quite heartfelt from Cas' perspective, but can be carefully boxed up and not touched for the last two hours of the show. If they don't want to touch on how this would affect Dean specifically, they don't have to. He can be generally angsty and sad about Cas, but they could get away with never bringing it up again, and that is some grade-A level bullshit right there, my friends. At minimum, Dean needs to tell Sam about this. He probably won't, but he should, if the show has any sense of integrity left in its bones.

Ahem. Like I said, I have... lots of thoughts. More on Destiel later, but let's turn to the "Pros" section and talk about some other aspects of this incredibly crowded episode.

Pros:

Despite my issues with everything that didn't get resolved re: Dean letting Jack die, I did kind of like the "to somehow" scene, because it was a nice little breather for the brothers, it solidified them as being on the same side to the bitter end, that despite all the crazy shit they've been through, that they've put each other through, they'll have this as a bedrock at the end of the day. I'm not a brothers-only sort of fan, at all, in fact, I think a brothers-only ending betrays most of what's beautiful about this show in its good moments. But they are the stars, they are the protagonists, they should be the center of their own story, and I like it when we get check-ins like this, that shows how unshakable they are underneath all the other crap.

Charlie and Stevie... okay, cute that their names are like that, cute that Charlie said: "I liked the way she handled herself" and that's how they got together... eggs are cute, whatever... and if these deaths are impermanent, which... come on... they have to be, I do like that Charlie gets to have a girlfriend and be happy as a hunter and as someone's partner.

I liked the tense car ride with Sam texting Eileen, with Dean, Jack, and Cas all silent in the car with him... that was a nice moment of solidarity, all of them entirely on the same page about being there for Sam and helping Eileen however they could... even knowing the futility. What were they going to do when they got there? That was a great tension-building moment, in isolation, even though the deaths are likely temporary.

Cas and Jack's talk was good, I'll admit I've definitely been won over by Cas and Sam as Jack's dads... Dean too, once upon a time, but dude needs to do some groveling before he gets to be Dad again, seriously. It's nice that in the midst of all the chaos, there was a check-in moment. Jack is the embodiment of a lot of our end-game themes, here. He had a noble destiny to sacrifice himself, and then it fizzled out and didn't work, and now he's just left in the aftermath, not sure what to do with himself. It was important that Cas tell him that Jack is worthy of love and family, even if he's not "useful" in the way he thought he could be. Definitely nice to have that nailed in.

If we're following the Infinity War/Endgame line, the last two episodes will be majority Sam, Dean, and Jack, but at the last moment there will be a way to reverse it, and everyone else will come back in a moment of triumph. But probably not so much Castiel, which... well... see above complaints. The point is, seeing Charlie, Bobby, Donna, Eileen, etc. all burst forth for one final moment of glory could be really cool, if they manage to stick the landing with it. It'll be an incredibly manufactured sense of triumph and nostalgia, but it will probably work on me because it's been... guys, I don't know if you know this, but it's been kind of an emotional year. :)

I will say, working under the assumption that the dead characters will come back, I'm actually oddly... not mad about Donna dying. It was actually a legitimately shocking twist. A rule was set up: if a person had died before and been resurrected, or if a person was from another universe, they could be Thanos snapped by Billie. Makes sense. Sam and Dean are in danger because of all their deaths, Jack and Cas aren't safe for the same reason. Charlie, Bobby, Eileen... sure. But Donna should have been safe, given the parameters we started with.

And then Dean and Cas are confronting Billie, she says she's not killing anyone, we realize it must be Chuck... and then Donna, who isn't from another world, who has never died... GONE. I gasped.

And the hits kept coming... Billie is dying because Dean killed her with that small wound, and didn't even know it. That's another excellent twist. The past two episodes, back to back, have kept me on my toes about who to ultimately be afraid of. Chuck? Billie? The Empty? It's so much better than this slow march to Chuck vs. Sam and Dean that we've been getting all season, even if we do loop around to Chuck again as the final Big Bad.

The Empty is actually quite a complex, interesting idea for a villain, this entity that doesn't get involved in petty squabbles, doesn't have personal vendettas, but actually just wants to sleep and be left alone. Having Meg be the Empty's face here at the end is also a nice touch. I wish we could have had more of this, truthfully, and I'm curious how The Empty will play a role in how things shake out, if at all.

So... I want to go back to something I've been saying these past couple episodes, about how if this show has a grimdark ending, it will be a betrayal of everything they've set up. It will be so stupid that my anger will manifest in yet another round of hysterical giggles. What I suspect is that we'll get something peaceful, something where trauma will linger but people will get to start anew. Maybe Jack creates a new world outside of Chuck's power. Maybe Sam and Dean take over as God and the Darkness, as some people suggested, and Jack is the new Death. Maybe maybe maybe. Bottom line, I could be satisfied with the majority of this ending, and I can even (obliquely, reluctantly) understand that they wanted one final perma-death to really make the stakes feel higher. If they aren't killing off the Winchesters, that leaves Castiel. So what I'm saying in this paragraph is basically that I'm not guaranteed to despise the ending of this show yet. They could still get it right.

God, that sounds pretty bleak, doesn't it?

Before I end this, I want to talk about, as promised, the few Destiel-related points that I'd classify as "pros", albeit with a big asterisk.

First off, Misha clearly found the moment very cathartic, and he pulled out all the stops, and, in isolation, the confession was hella romantic and quite poignant. Without context, just reading these lines? "The one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have" and "because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, I cared about the whole world because of you..." like, that's some premium content, I won't lie. I also kind of enjoy the idea that Cas finds happiness in saying the words out loud, in being true to who he is. I hate a lot about what happened to Cas here, but if Cas' arc, in its totality, is about embracing humanity, and Dean is the anchor to that, this really does come full circle. He pulled Dean out of Hell, he saved him, he loved him, he'll die for him, and in accepting that love, that human love, he is finally at peace with who he is. Now, mind my comments above, I'm still not happy, but I can see how in one sense, this is narratively poignant. And if others are satisfied with it, I'm happy for them.

(Added bonus, while Jensen's acting was WACK for the majority of that scene, I did like the ending shot, the silence, him not answering Sam's call, crying silently into his hands. That was very nicely shot and acted, I thought.)

Secondly, and this isn't actually praise for the show, it's more a... meta experience? I have to say, the idea that Destiel became sort of canon, but in the most homophobic way possible, in the year 2020, while we're all still waiting for election results to come in is... one of the wildest, most hilarious things to ever have happened to me. I mean it, last night sitting alone in my house I kept cackling loudly to myself, in complete and utter disbelief. I saw Tumblr explode in a way that hasn't happened in years. I was transported back in time nearly a full decade, to the person I was when I started writing these reviews, or even before that, when I was new to Supernatural, new to the whole concept of being truly involved in a fandom.

Here's the thing... I never. Ever. EVER. Thought we would get any sort of textual confirmation. I thought at most, if they went for a happy ending for everyone, we'd get Dean and Cas as hunting partners, and we could all fill in the post-canon gaps. I once told my sister that I'd be happy with a one-sided love confession from Cas to Dean, because that part was practically canon before last night, and in a way, I am happy. I'm happy that this crazy thing actually happened, and if nothing else, all of those clowns can put away their makeup. I was never with them. I never believed, and there's this sliver of me that's happy to have been wrong. It's completely bogus how it happened, but the fact that we live in a reality where it happened is still kind of tripping me out in a major way. So I'm happy, I'm... flabbergasted, but I'm experiencing a very unique, unprecedented soup of emotions this morning and I never would have felt like this if Cas had died with a no homo parting.

And that's the thing, they let it be unambiguously about Dean, not just in that one moment, but all along, and that's really satisfying in a meta narrative sense that when everyone was reading it as "Castiel is in love with Dean," they were... correct. It doesn't really matter when they decided this, in last night's episode they made it crystal-clear that it wasn't a whim, wasn't a recent development, in-universe. This has been Cas' truth from very, very early on, his entire experience since meeting Dean has been shaped by him, he's loved him all this time. That... I don't know, it's absolutely bonkers that this is all we're going to get, but it does mean something, if you want to let it.

Welcome back to 2012, Tumblr. Last night was a wild ride, I won't deny.

I'm giving the episode a bad score, but I just want to say the Destiel scene gets a simultaneous infinity-out-of-ten and also zero-out-of-ten, imploding the multiverse instantly. That's where I'm at, folks. Insert gif of Chidi dropping Peeps into a big pot of chili. I'm gonna go take a nap.

6/10

[honey-bri-books]

My ‘Dean is Bi’ Take

***Written before seeing the series finale/after seeing penultimate ep***

*An Opinion Piece*

Dean did not know he was bi or open to experiencing sexual or romantic relationships with men, until Cas made him realize it. 

He didn’t know when Cas was speaking to him in 15x18. He was experiencing too many emotions and having trouble accepting not only the fact that Cas looked up to him, as a loving human being, but the possibility that it might actually be true. That he’s not this angry monster, he’s believed himself to be for how many years. 

He knows he loves Castiel. He doesn’t understand that over the past few years or more, that his love for him was romantic. The grabbing at his arms, touching him constantly, the comfort that he’d find in being physically close to Cas, were natural gestures, not pre-meditated. 

As I was growing up, I learned that same sex couples were allowed to happen. That I should be respectful and open-minded and kind and know it’s okay for THEM to behave that way and that THEY had the right to a romantic relationship with a partner of the same gender, like I had the right to a romantic relationship with someone of the opposite sex. This was not told to me straight up, but the “they” or “them” mode of explaining gay relationships to kid/teen version of me, led me to believe that my hope for romantic love was more in line with the leads of a television series. Heterosexual, and at the “craziest” bi-racial.  

This mentality has always made me feel tension around people of the opposite sex, or think of kissing or marriage or dating or couples. It wasn’t until I was older that I started to develop those same feelings when around people of the same gender. The percentage of attraction is not equal or 50/50 (for not just me?). I strongly prefer or find myself labeling someone as attractive or hot if they are opposite gender. 

But the list of celebrity crushes are all same-gendered, at the moment. Also, while I married someone of the opposite gender, I found myself dreaming (This is embarrassing, but I’m talking about sex-dreams or whatever) about not my partner. Like soooooo not my partner.). 

Obviously, I didn’t wake up and say “Babe, we need to get a divorce, so I can go experiment.” I mean, I did tell him about how I’d dream about having sex or making out with women, and then said “Um, just so you know, we’re gonna be together forever, but I think I find women attractive, as well as men.”  He was like “Cool.” His response was so casual, it threw me off. 

But I loved him for either knowing before I did, or accepting it immediately as the truth. Even after saying this to him, it took me awhile to accept who I was and what my sexual identity is. 

I’m still afraid to fully come out. I never post that “I’m proud to be Bi” under my real name, on Pride Day. I don’t have Bi colors mixed into my twitter username. I keep saying “Well, you’re married to a guy, and want to stay married to him. You’re not really bi. There’s no point in coming out. You’ve never been with a woman. You probably aren’t bi, because you’re just looking for attention and coming out as Bi is “in” right now.”

Dean could be straight, but could also be bi. I would accept either sexual identity when connecting with the character’s history on Supernatural. But personally, I saw a little bit of that enlightenment happen just after Castiel left with the Empty. 

On top of all this, Dean realizes that this is a permanent death, and it was likely (the finale hasn’t aired yet, and I’m pathetically hopeful for a reunion, Omigosh) that they would never see each other again. The afterlife for an angel is not the same afterlife for a human, even if the rules in the SPN universe change last minute and all who have been to Hell and back could still make it into heaven. He’s unable to fully focus on the fact that he’d have been open to a romantic or sexual relationship with Cas, after all that happened in Ep 18. After his self-hate speech, before Cas started into his closing monologue, on the show.

To end this rant, or speech or whatever, I saw Dean as Bi when Castiel touched him for the last time. I saw the disbelief and the confusion that I experienced myself, though I wasn’t under the gun exactly like Dean, when it hit me for the first time. 

So, I accept Dean as Bi. Whether he says so or not. Even if Jensen or Eric Kripke or Misha one day said “DEAN IS STRAIGHT!!!”, I can leave them alone and not bully them into agreeing with me, but still believe it to be true (in my version). Because for me, it lines up. 

I believe Dean is Bi. The same way I believe that I am. 

[themoonandotherslikeit]

Gone - Part One

Castiel Novak’s obsession with dead things started when he was just six years old. His neighbors had this cat that the kids, fondly, called Lumpy. Her real name was something complicated, some four syllable name that was after someone that they’d never heard of, so to them she was just Lumpy. She bumbled around the neighborhood meowing at everything with a blatant disapproval that is unique to cats.

His father was a writer, constantly locked in his study, so Castiel spent most of his time wandering around. During the late autumn months, he sat on his porch crudely carving his Jack-O-Lantern with no supervision. He planned to carve a simple smile on the front of it with wide round eyes and a big open mouth.

He was focusing intensely when the familiar yowl of Lumpy danced through the chilled air. “Come here, Lumpy, you ugly cat,” he called out, not thinking too much about it as his eyes still focused on his blade sawing through the flesh on the pumpkin. He pursed his lips, making a kissing noise, wondering what was taking the fat cat so long. Usually she would be at his calf, rubbing and begging for pumpkin pieces by then.

Castiel looked up, his attention sparked just as the wet angry screech of car breaks broke through the afternoon air. The driver was gone before he could even run into the street. He stuck his hands under Lumpy, peeling her sticky, blood soiled body off of the asphalt. Her head lulled, her lifeless eyes open and accusing.

He knew he had to help her, so he tucked her against his chest, matted wet fur sticking to his cotton t-shirt. He took her to his porch and laid her out. In the mind of a child, he needed to fix the pieces that were broken on her, and then she would wake up. So he took out his carving blade, pulling it from his pumpkin and began carving out the pieces of rock. He shaved away the pieces of skin that were worn away from the tire tread. “It’s okay Lumpy, I’ll save you,” he murmured to her sweetly, like she was merely sleeping.

Castiel plucked at her broken, flattened ribs with slick, trembling fingers. Perhaps if he reconnected all of her pieces she would begin to meow and purr just as he knew her. It was only once his father stepped out onto the porch with his reading glasses perched on his nose, and his pen fell from between his lips and bounced off the leather tie on his house shoe, that Castiel realized that he was gravely mistaken.

“Castiel what have you done?”

“I’m trying to fix her,” he pleaded, staring up at his father as congealing, dead blood rolled down his forearms to his elbows, “I have to fix her.”

His father was rightly horrified and Castiel went to a child therapist for five years. He hadn’t been enthralled with death before his at length discussions with his therapist. He just wanted to help her, but she wasn’t so convinced. She thought that he found a thrill from the blade, from the slicing skin, from the pearl white bone against crimson red blood. He didn’t find thrill in it. At least he didn’t when he’d been trying to help Lumpy, the thrill came much later when his therapist unbuttoned her top and breathed whiskey onto his neck. He bit into her throat drawing blood, requiring six complex stitches, but Castiel never had to see her again.

He was an exceptional student, and he was fascinated by biology. He loved to take apart technology and put it back together, and the idea that it could be done with people was fascinating. He could heal someone, fix them. It didn’t take long for him to decide that he wanted to be a surgeon. He never went on dates, even though he was easily one of the best looking guys at his school. He graduated at the top of his class as the weird loner who wore the same three t-shirts every week. He couldn’t bother to care about fashion, romance, or anything that would distract him from getting into the best pre-med program in the states. It was no surprise to anyone that knew him that he got into both Harvard Med and the best residency program. His bedside manner was poor at best, he was awkward, and he didn’t understand much about social queues, usually missing the beat, but he was a damn good surgeon. Was being the operative word.

The tape whirred inside of Castiel Novak’s recorder. “September 21st, examination of Jacob Stevenson.”

There was something in the air the night that everything changed. It was a full moon, and maybe that’s why the leaves were blowing, crackling against windows like a hard autumn rain. Castiel felt a chill as he walked out of his stale, one bedroom apartment, but he didn’t turn back for another layer to trap in the warmth. He’d rather be cold, sometimes a feeling was better than feeling nothing at all, even if it was unpleasant.

He was used to being cold, it was part of the job. Most medical examiners he met were clad in turtlenecks up to their chins, thick layers, and a pale disposition as if they’d never seen the sun. He blended in with them, just another faceless shape in a crowd. He wasn’t always that way, though. Despite his horrid bedside manner, he was described as bright by those who met him. His skin glowed with the fresh tan of a man who played a lot of golf or read medical textbooks outside on benches.

“Caucasian male, age 71, approximately 1.6 meters tall, weighs 83 kilograms. Note a yellowing at his fingertips likely from years of smoking.” He clicked the tape off and set it back down on his instrument table. He took a swab out of its packaging and carefully ran it across the man’s fingertips. He collected a sample from under his nails, the inside of his cheek, along his bottom lip, bagging each piece he collected for testing.

He knew what he expected to find: years of heart disease, smokers lungs, too many homemade cupcakes from his loving wife. He would see a body aged by a life that was lived. That was the goal, wasn’t it?

“I’m sorry that this happened to you, Mr. Stevenson. Rest well.”

He closed his eyes, clasping his surgical gloved hands and said a silent prayer for his soul, wherever it may be. He wasn’t a believer, not really, not anymore. He just had to say goodbye to the spirit, to disconnect himself from the person that used to be inside of the skin. He had to separate himself so that he could make that first cut.

He undressed Mr. Stevenson, unbuttoning his sleep shirt. His pale, wrinkled flesh spilled and pressed against the cool metal of the autopsy table. He pressed his scalpel into the man's skin, across his chest and down his stomach in a Y shape. There was no blood. That stopped after death, settled and clotted.

He liked cases like Mr. Stevenson. He passed in his sleep. He was old, and his heart gave out. Dying old and peacefully was the goal. There wasn’t a lot of peace to be found in life and all that Castiel could really hope for was peace in death. It was called an eternal rest for a reason, right? He removed the organs one by one, weighing them on the scale. He made notes of any odd coloring, biopsied anything that was abnormal.

People often asked him why he worked with the dead. Well, not often . People didn’t often speak to him at all, but when they found out he was a medical examiner, their curiosity was piqued. They just couldn’t wrap their minds around why a surgeon would ever want to work in a dark, cold basement instead of an operating room, but they didn’t understand. How could they?

Mr. Stevenson’s heart was a little enlarged, but that was no surprise. Heart disease was on his chart. It ran in his family. Castiel wondered if darkness ran in his.

He threaded his surgical needle with suture thread and meticulously began stitching the pieces of flesh back together. He vaguely recalled his grandmother stitching together his torn shirt in much the same way, every stitch with care. “We can make it whole again, Castiel. Don’t you worry, little angel.” Except he wasn’t worried, not about a tear. Why worry about a rip when there were other things out there in the darkness?

He tied off the last suture and ran a gloved finger across the perfect line. It was much easier to stitch on unmoving flesh. Another chill ran down his spine. It was the full moon pressing down on the world like a heavy hand. It was making him feel claustrophobic.

He moved Mr. Stevenson into a black bag, zipping him up, and sliding him away into the wall of drawers to keep him preserved until the funeral home could come and pick him up. Castiel’s job was done. He discarded his gloves and washed his hands, scrubbing his fingernails, between his fingers, and up to his elbows for exactly five minutes, a habit he picked up when he was still operating. Everything had to be meticulously sterile.

He dried his hands, his arms, and reached into his pocket and pulled out a small orange bottle. He gave it a shake to listen to the familiar clatter of tablets against plastic. It gave him peace to know that the pain was a dry-swallow away from dissipating. He popped open the lid, child-locks be damned, and poured two into his hand. They looked small, insignificant against the heft of his palm. He flexed his hand, watching them hop as if eager to slide down his throat.

“Take us inside of you, Castiel,” they seemed to beg. So he did. It was the only intimacy he knew.

There were different types of trauma. While in therapy Castiel learned that they all could be categorized into one of three main types. Acute trauma that results from a single incident, chronic trauma that is repeated and prolonged such as domestic violence or abuse, and complex trauma which is exposure to varied and multiple traumatic events, often of an invasive, interpersonal nature. More so, there was capital T trauma and what she called little t trauma . Capital T was the big stuff, the stuff that wrecks a person in an irreparable way. Little t was less so. It is possible for a traumatized person to get over  little t trauma.

In Castiel’s life, he’d seen his fair share of trauma. Probably more than a thirty-four year old man should’ve. He’d seen trauma happen to others, happen to himself, and he continued to see it on corpse after corpse. He saw trauma that others didn’t. The kind of trauma that couldn’t be seen from the outside. The kind of trauma that a person inflicts upon themselves.

He remembered his first tumor resection from a lung. It was successful, beautiful, that tumor was a piece of art. He went out to deliver the good news to the man's twenty year old daughter. When he told her the news she immediately threw up into the trash can. She kneeled over it, Castiel standing next to her awkwardly, unsure of what to do. He offered her a Kleenex.

She took it and wiped her mouth. She turned her head and looked at him with bloodshot eyes. “I thought he would die. I thought he had to.”

“What do you mean?” Castiel asked, puzzled.

“He knew what the cigarettes were doing. He knew they’d kill him, but he didn’t care. If he throws his life away so easily how does he deserve another chance? Why would someone willingly do that to themselves?”

He thought about that a lot, but mostly he thought about how she didn’t understand. How could she understand? He did, though, looking down at the tumor with its tendrils wrapped around the lobe of his lung. The cancer was made of him. It was a part of him. Sometimes people have to cause pain for a release. People are naturally violent. They’re prone to cutting, kicking, biting, and those that are usually find an outlet. They become a football player, a boxer, a surgeon . Not everyone can, though, so instead of inflicting that violence and pain on others, they inflict it on themselves.

Sometimes pain was the only way to feel anything at all. Sometimes he’d rather be numb.

His phone vibrated angrily on his instrument table with a vrrrrrr vrrrr vrrrrr . He opened his eyes and pulled it into his hand. It felt forgein, like it didn’t belong to him. “Doctor Novak.”

“Novak, we have a body.”

“Great,” he said flatly. “Bring it in.”

“Don't hang up!”

“What is it?”

“There’s been a murder. We need you to come up here. There’s a new detective, and I think it’s the first time he’s seen a stiff. We could use you here.”

“Fine.”

“I’ll text you the address.”

Castiel didn’t have many friends. Maybe any friends at all, but he had Inias. He was a forensic tech. He knew that Castiel didn’t like being in the field, so he tried to take care of everything on his own. When he was matched with a good detective, it wasn’t a problem. Castiel knew, though, that a rookie could disrupt evidence even by accident and leave him in a mess when he completes his autopsy. He was tired thinking about it already.

He removed his lab coat, hung it, and walked to the bathroom to change out of his scrubs. He preferred to not be out in public in them. In fact, he preferred to not be out in public at all if he could help it.

He threw a gray scoop neck sweater over his white undershirt and pulled on his khaki pants. He grabbed his kit, keys, and cell phone and walked out into the frigid day. The air bit into his skin, and he hissed a bit, wishing desperately that he didn’t leave his coat at home. The plastic bottle in his pocket weighed heavier. He ignored it, shifting his weight to the right as he walked creating a sort of limp.

His vehicle groaned angrily, whining about the cold. “Yes, I’m aware,” he commented to the machine impatiently. The engine sputtered to life after a few twists of his wrist with the key in the ignition. His head had begun to pound, and he added it to just another reason why he hated being out in the field.

The scene wasn’t far, only a few blocks. In another life, Castiel would’ve walked and basked with the sun on his face happy to be alive despite the chill in the air. That was another life, though, and in the life he was in, Castiel drove.

Yellow crime scene tape circled the scene, and Castiel hung his tape recorder on his wrist loosely with a strap. He shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked up, the recorder bouncing off his hip as he walked.

“Cas!” Inias called to him, waving like a child. He was all wrist and elbow, moving his entire arm. Even his shoulders bobbed. “Damn, buddy, it’s good to see you in the fresh air.

“Speak for yourself,” he replied sourly. “Is this the deceased?” He gestured with an elbow to a woman sprawled out on the ground.

“Nah, this is my girlfriend,” Inias deadpanned. Castiel stared back at him like he didn’t understand, and Inias pinched the bridge of his nose. “Yeah, ‘s her.”

“Perfect.”

Castiel crouched next to her. “Caucasian female, I’d place the age in her twenties,” he said into his tape recorder. Everytime the tape looped around there was a click. Whir, whir, click. Her dark eyes stared up at him, wide, gaping, accusatory. Her lips were parted slightly as if she was going to say something. Day-old red lipstick stained the fullness of her lips.

He squinted at the pinpricks along her arms accompanied with black and blue skin. She was bruised. The blood had settled beneath translucent skin. “Drug use is apparent,” he commented into the recorder. Click!

“You must be the M.E.”

The voice was rough and it sent an immediate chill down Castiel’s spine. His eyes flicked up to catch a pair of moss green eyes glinting in the sunlight. He was young, likely not even thirty years old. His badge hung around his neck on a chain, swinging slightly as he shifted his weight. A plaid button up was tucked under a brown leather coat.

“Yes.” Castiel said, realizing that the man was staring at him like he was a fucking idiot.

“Awesome.” The corner of his mouth tugged into a smirk that seemed almost smug, and there was a tug deep within Castiel’s belly as a response. Who did this kid think he was? “I’m Detective Winchester.”

“Pleasure.”

The detective blinked a few times before scratching the back of his head.  “I uh...What do you make of her?”

Castiel cleared his throat, happy to turn back to his work. He peeled his eyes off of Winchester and planted them firmly back to the deceased. “The track marks here and here,” he said, gesturing loosely to the pin pricks on the inside of her arm. “Lead me to believe she is an addict.”

“Think it’s an overdose?”

“Hard to tell without a toxicology report,” Castiel began. “But, see this?” He gestured to her mouth. “No vomit. That tells me that it’s unlikely that it was a true overdose. Normally they choke on their own vomit. I’d have to look inside of her throat…” He turned to look back at the detective when his words caught in his throat. He had crouched down at some point while Castiel was talking and was now a breath away from him.

“What about this?” He asked, pointing to the victims throat.

“Bruising,” Castiel explained with a quick nod. “I noticed it as well. It looks like she’s been choked.”

“Could that’ve killed her?”

“I will look into the state of her windpipe, but from here it doesn’t look like there was enough force.”

Winchester nodded a few times, his eyebrows furrowing together in puzzlement. From that close, Castiel could see freckles sprinkled across his nose and cheekbones. It gave him a boyish look, young and wide eyed, but the honey brown hairs poking through the skin on his jaw aged him a bit more. Castiel had to resist the urge to reach out and feel the roughness of new hair breaking through.

He cleared his throat, forcing his eyes away from the detective, and back to the victim. “I will collect some samples and examine her back in the lab.”

The detective put a hand on Castiel’s shoulder, causing him to recoil, his head whipping back to look at the man. His green eyes were fixed, intense. “Will you call me with what you figure out? I’ve got a nasty gut feeling that this is more than it looks like.”

His mouth was dry, and he was sure his jaw was hanging open. The guy was green, a rookie, so what did he know? Castiel’s eyes flickered back to the body and his own gut twisted. He didn’t know how, or why, but he believed the green eyed detective. He believed him down to his bones. “Alright.”

“Thank you,” Winchester breathed, like he was relieved.

“It’s my job,” Castiel said blankly, his fingers tapping his pocket anxiously. He didn’t like it… talking to people, socializing, being watched. He could feel the weight of the man's gaze and it felt suffocating. He turned to Inias. “Bring the body to me, I… I will meet you there.”

He turned on his heels and shuffled away rapidly, trying to catch his breath as the sky seemed to come down on him with a crushing weight. He pulled on his collar, trying to get it away from his neck, because it felt like a tight hold, like fingers pressing on his windpipe. The pain was still there, it was always there. It was a phantom limb, gone but still aching.

He hadn’t waited for Inias to respond, or to pass over what he had collected. His recorder was still whirring in his hand, recording every passing second. He clicked it off as soon as his ass fell into the driver's seat of his vehicle. He gripped the wheel with both hands and clamped his eyes shut. He tried to steady his breathing, like he’d learned in therapy, but thinking about therapy made him even more anxious. Why did Inias call him? He could’ve handled it on his own!

He dug deep into his pocket, pulling out the familiar plastic bottle. He cracked open the top, dumping the tiny tablets onto his palm. He wasted no time before swallowing them, his lips to his palm. It hurt rolling down his dry throat, but he avoided the urge to gag. He needed it. He closed his eyes again, pressing the back of his head to the headrest, and he fell into the darkness.

+++

He was whistling, whistling. He wasn’t sure he’d ever whistled in his life, but yet there he was. It was probably inappropriate, to have some feigned happiness around a woman who had overdosed. Well, he couldn’t say for certain that it was an overdose, not until his lab got back.

Like he suspected, she didn’t die of strangulation, but there was a struggle. She was attacked and fought her attacker. He got samples of skin under her fingernails. Skin and blood. They still didn’t have any identification for her, but the police were supposed to be running her finger prints and dental records. It was looking more and more like a murder. It was a puzzle, and Castiel loved puzzles. They were complicated, but yet they all fit together in the end in a pretty picture. Not much in life ended up that way, so Castiel craved the moments when it did. He hoped she would make a perfect picture. The dead deserved justice, sometimes it was all that they got from a world that only dished out pain.

He thought back to the rookie detective as he sewed up the Y cut across her chest and down her stomach. He was handsome, young, and serious. Castiel didn’t allow himself to look, let alone date, but he couldn’t seem to pluck the man from his mind. He was a planted seed, and the ideas were already blooming and growing out of control.

He wasn’t sure exactly when he stopped whistling, but the new silence around the morgue was deafening. It was broken only by one stray drip drip drip. Did he leave the faucet on? He turned quickly to check, the world tilting on its axis a bit as he stumbled to the sink.

Sure enough, a droplet was pooling and falling rapidly from the faucet into the sink with an earth shattering splash. He let out a sigh of relief, as he placed his hand under the faucet, almost as if to check the temperature, to be sure that it was really there. Wetness pooled at his fingers as another drop fell from the faucet onto his skin, and he pulled back his hand to examine his fingers.

They were red.

Blood soaked his fingertips, a single droplet at first, but it continued to spread. Had he cut himself? He wiped away the blood on his scrub top, but it just kept coming, spurting and oozing out. He blindly reached for a towel and wrapped it around his fingers to stop the bleeding. He pressed it against the wound, his head spinning already from the blood loss.

The light blue surgical towel was already turning wet and crimson from the blood soaking through, pooling, growing, and a horrible feeling came to his stomach. He was going to die.

He didn’t want to die, but more than that he didn’t want to be a body on someone’s table. He didn’t want to be exposed, cut open, and emptied out like a bag of groceries. He didn’t want his blood to settle and congeal. He didn’t want a tag on his toe, his greying skin zipped within a black bag. He couldn’t be reduced to just parts.

His heart was racing, and he knew that it was a mistake. He was a doctor for god sakes, and he knew that rapid heartbeat would make him bleed out faster, but he couldn’t stop the panic that was spiraling within him.

The pain pulsed through him, his fingers throbbing with the beat of his heart. “Fuck,” he hissed under his breath as he quickly unwrapped his fingers. He needed to find the source of the bleed and stitch it up or he would surely bleed out and die alone next to a murder victim. He unwrapped the towel and placed his hand immediately under the faucet to run water over it. He turned on the flow and clear water ran over his skin. There was no blood to be found.

He pulled his hand away, examining it in its entirety. Then his opposite hand. There was no cut. There was no blood at all. He picked up the surgical towel to find it completely dry. There was never any blood. He stared at it, his fingers curling around the fabric.

He was losing his fucking mind.

Castiel let out a heavy sigh and turned off the faucet, wiping a bead of sweat off his brow with the surgical towel. He probably needed a day off — maybe a week. He turned back to finish his examination of the murder victim. He still had a mountain of paperwork to do and samples to process. His eyes settled on the metal examination table. The silver top gleamed in the buzzing fluorescent lights. He touched his temple and closed his eyes. In, out, in out. Keep it together, Castiel. But when he opened his eyes the picture in front of him was still the same.

The table was completely empty and cleared off.

The body was gone.

+++

Part Two

Masterlist 

[eddiemunsonsmiddlefingers]

What all Fairy Tales Have In Common

Rating: Teen

Wordcount: 2,970

Warnings: Y’all know how Sleeping Beauty wakes up. Well, that’s a plot element here. That’s all.  Beta: EmiliaOagi

Gift for insominia on AO3 - It’s posted there, too, if peeps are curious.

---

The hunt was supposed to be little more than a milk run, but then again that’s how all their fucked up stories begin, isn’t it? They really should know better than to assume the best by this point in their career, but somehow they do, again and again, and this time’s no different.

Sam’s angry, so angry; at the hag that put them in this predicament, at Cas for losing his wings, and at Chuck for inventing supernatural creatures as a whole when the world would be much better off without. Mostly he’s angry at himself, lost in a fire storm of self-recrimination that has only compounded since he slid behind Baby’s wheel twelve hours ago.

He should have insisted on better precautions, should have realized they weren’t facing an ordinary witch, should have demanded more research when the lore didn’t quite add up. He should have done something different, even if the others had been impatient to just get it over with. He’s thirty-six for the love of Christ; it’s beyond time to learn to say no, even -no, especially - to Dean.  

Dean. Impulsive Dean, protective Dean, self-sacrificing Dean...ridiculous, foolhardy, dangerous Dean.

Sam slams his palm against the steering wheel and studiously avoids looking in the rear view mirror. He doesn’t have to; he already knows his brother’s head rests on Cas’s thighs, his chest moving only enough for them to know he’s still alive. The last time Sam stopped for gas, Dean’s freckles had stood out like inverted constellations against increasingly pale skin; Sam doesn’t want to think of how that’s changed in the last four hours.

Sam’s eyes drift to the mirror despite his best effort. Castiel’s head is bowed and his shoulders hunched as he murmurs endless, desperate Enochian under his breath. The syllables are punched out one at a time, ragged and forceful, cracking between thunderous bass and pitchy soprano from one second to the next. It’s like he’s forgotten how to speak with his human vessel entirely, like he’s speaking through a galaxy of grief that Sam can’t begin to comprehend.

Sam has never seen the angel cry, and he’s not prepared to witness it now. Not when his own throat feels tight and thick with fear, when his eyes are heavy with the need for sleep and his body aches from being crammed into a car after being beaten to a pulp. He has to keep it together, however. He has to keep going long enough to get them to the Bunker, to Rowena, to someone, anyone, anything that might help Dean.

“No luck?” Sam tries to ask, then has to clear his throat and try again, because his voice breaks before the words even exit his mouth.

Castiel doesn’t respond, but his shoulders jerk and light flares in the mirror, impossibly bright for the brief moments it exists. Then it fades and Cas swears, an incoherent jumble of heresy in languages both current and long forgotten.

The angel’s fist slams against the window next to his head so hard the glass cracks on impact and Sam’s first thought is fuck, Dean’s gonna be pissed. Then he remembers his brother may never see the damage.

Sam mashes his foot against the gas pedal until it’s flush with the floor.

---

Rowena tries only one spell before hastily quenching her candles and dousing the chalice in water. “Ach, I’m sorry, my darlings. It’s draining his life, and the poor wee man has little enough as it is,” she explains when the angel and the hunter give her twin accusatory glares.

She stays for a while after, patting Dean’s knee as she shares what lore she knows. It seems there’s a variety of hags, and what kills one might strengthen another, and cause the victim of a third to shrivel and die. Dean’s life depends on them pinpointing the specific origins of this particular monster, and there’s very little to guide them.

---

Days fade into nights fade into days fade into a week or more of waiting. Cas finally puts his fingers to Sam’s forehead and forces the human to sleep despite his adamant objections. He carries Sam to his room and lays him on the bed, then returns to sit by Dean.

Cas doesn’t read, or watch TV, or even pace. In the greater playing field of the angel’s life, this time is little more than a moment of inconvenience, and thus he needs no distraction from his vigil.

In Castiel’s immediate experience, the hours until Sam wakes up are an eternity of hell.

When Sam stumbles back into Dean’s room with wrinkled clothes, the folds of his sheet imprinted on his cheek, he’s so angry the air palpably crackles. His knuckles are white around the edges of his latest book of lore and his breath is fast and uneven as if he’s on the brink of speech with every exhale, but for hours he won’t even look at Cas.

When Sam does finally speak, his voice crackles and blurs with emotion, shoulders shaking and chest heaving as he struggles to maintain some semblance of self control. He gets two sentences into his latest theory before the levee breaks.

Sam’s rage bleeds into every shouted accusation; Castiel stares at his own hands, fingers interlocked in his lap, and lets the words wash over him like a cleansing tide. He knows what Sam is really angry at, even if Sam doesn’t.

Cas feels no regret; the Hunter needed the rest.

---

There’s only so much grief a human can take before their heart and brain start healing themselves of their own volition, no matter how great the loss they’ve suffered. God designed the human race to be as infinitely resilient as they are malleable, after all, and they have no choice but to live up to their nature.

Cas knows this truth in theory. He even helps the process along for his friend, in whatever subtle ways he can manage, because Sam’s grief is boundless and terrible. Cas can at least give him the gift of peace, even if he can’t bring Dean back.

Even knowing that, however, the pain Cas feels the first time Sam goes to the kitchen to get coffee before checking on Dean in the morning is beyond imagining. The angel stares at the mug in Sam’s fist and tries not to think of the last time Dean casually flipped him off, eyes still sleepy and hair a wreck, the fingers of his opposite hand wrapped around that very dish.

It’s been nearly a month and they’re no closer to a lead.

---

Castiel doesn’t remember the last time he left the Bunker. He marks time only by Sam’s irregular appearances. The Hunter is increasingly tired, bloody, bruised, and wild-eyed as he talks about whatever creatures he demolished on this hunt or that. His big hands flex in thin air, as if unconsciously searching for something he’s missing, and he hasn’t shaved since Dean fell.

Castiel makes the mistake of touching Sam exactly once. A punch can’t truly damage him, but a fist to the face still hurts; from that point on he carefully avoids all contact as he heals his friend, feeds him, and forces him to sleep.

He knows Sam will forgive him. He might even forgive himself for failing Dean someday, though that’s more debatable.

Cas looks up from his latest book and realizes he’s alone again. It’s a passing thought; then it’s gone and he’s buried in research once more.

In the ensuing weeks, Castiel reads every single scrap of applicable lore in the Bunker multiple times over, scavenges the internet for leads every day, talks to every witch and shaman he can locate, and reaches out to his remaining brothers and sisters in ineffectual desperation.

He even summons a demon, staring at the creature’s grotesque true form in morbid fascination for long moments before making his inquiry. The exchange leads to nothing save a pile of ash and the stench of sulfur.

That night Cas picks up a book of children’s fables. He settles on the edge of the bed with distinct care, one leg hooked up beneath him and the other dangling to the floor as he looks at Dean. “I miss you,” he tells his human as he runs his finger over the gold-edged pages in his lap. “I don’t know how to help you, but I can’t give up.”

He talks to Dean all the time, but this feels more intimate, somehow. This time he’s not masking his feelings with discussion of a case, or research, or someone else’s problems. There’s no more business to discuss at all, in fact, no reason to maintain the mask he’s had in place for over a decade.

All that’s left to consider is the bond built between them, a connection so fierce it tied a soldier of God to the plight of mankind in every conceivable way.

Castiel exhales softly, eyes closed, then opens the book to the first story.

He reads aloud for hours, voice gentle and steady. The Frog Prince. Cat and Mouse in Partnership. Mary’s Child ...onward, every word carefully pronounced, every page turned with the same care as the one before. Hansel and Gretel gets his full attention, but the old woman in that tale is clearly a witch and nothing more. He moves on with the barest huff of disappointment.

He describes the illustrations when he runs across them. He tells Dean what he thinks of each story as he finishes it, talks about the probable origins for some of them, how oddly humanity has changed the stories over the centuries since their inception. Dean never wakes and he doesn’t need to sleep, so there’s no real reason to be concise in his analysis.

He soon realizes that there are repeating themes in every tale. Good is rewarded, evil is punished. Love threads through every single one, in one form or another: a child’s love for their parent, a parent’s love for their child. Sibling love, love between friends... true love. Love conquers every barricade, the stories tell him again and again. Love is the greatest power in the universe.

He finishes reading Sleeping Beauty and sets the book aside, studying Dean’s face thoughtfully.

“What’s the one thing all hags have in common?” He asks as his fingers trace the Hunter’s jawline. He pauses only a moment before supplying the answer. “They’re in these legends I’ve been reading, what you humans call fairy tales.” The specific details changed from country to country, but one thing stayed true: No matter what these creatures ate or what tool was used to kill them, the actual force behind their defeat was always love. Gretel’s love for her brother. Rapunzel’s love for her child. The prince’s love for Snow White or Briar Rose.

Cas licks his lips, glancing around with furtive unease as he contemplates his next move. He knows Dean doesn’t feel the same way for him that he feels for Dean, is unsure what Dean would think of this unorthodox attempt to break the curse.

“I don’t know if this works in the modern world at all, let alone if the feelings are one-sided,” he confesses, vaguely aware that he’s sinking closer to Dean’s face despite his doubts. “I have to try though. I love you too much to let you die.”

His breath gets faster as his nose brushes against Dean’s, the air crackling with energy pouring from his true form too fast for his vessel to contain. Sam’s anger at being put to sleep will be nothing to Dean’s if he wakes up with Cas’s mouth on his. Cas knows this. He knows this, and he’s accepted himself as collateral damage before he’s even made the move. Dean’s life is worth it.

“I’m sorry….I’m so sorry.”

His lips brush Dean’s in a chaste kiss, soft and small, barely there. Sparks arc between them and Castiel’s chest does a painful triple-pulse. He presses down again instinctively, this time firm and demanding. His grace extols the union, crackling energy declaring this is my human, you will not touch him.

He’s barely aware of any of this, however, because suddenly there’s an arm around his waist and fingers sliding into his hair, a mouth moving against his own... parting for him and how can that even be? He feels Dean’s tongue slip out to trace the outline of his lips and the arm around his waist tightens, manhandling him further onto the bed. The pressure doesn’t stop until Cas’s full weight rests across Dean’s body.

Dean’s mouth shifts, hot kisses drifting up the underside of Cas’s jaw to settle beneath his ear, licking and sucking there so long that Cas is sure Dean’s trying to bruise the unbruisable.  It’s too much, far too much, yet not enough. Cas tilts his head to the side with a groan, his vessel and true form sparking and squirming in unison from the assault on his very core.

Sense returns reluctantly.

“Dean,” Cas growls, his hands pushing at the Hunter’s shoulders. He doesn’t want to stop; his head is spinning and his vessel is ablaze with unfamiliar heat. He could explore these feelings until the Earth returns to star stuff and still not have enough of it.

They need to talk though. He needs to understand. He needs to know Dean is okay, in more ways than one.

They part long enough for Cas to catch a glimpse of burning green eyes before Dean’s lips lock on his again in a desperate frenzy. The human slides one arm around his shoulders to pull him near while the other tugs Cas’s shirt out of his pants. His fingers brush bare skin and Castiel gasps for breath, suddenly so close to losing any semblance of control that he’s actually frightened.

“Dean!”

Dean pulls away with a frustrated sound. When Castiel collects himself enough to look down, the Hunter is sprawled across the pillow with a familiar smirk on his face, lips red and spit-slick, eyes glowing impossibly green in the light of the single lamp.

“How long have you been conscious?” Castiel needs to know, is desperate for answers he’s afraid to hear.

Dean hesitates, wetting lips that don’t need it as his eyes slide around for a distraction. Sam’s in Arizona and Cas hasn’t seen or heard from Jack or the other Hunters in a month or more. There’s no one to rescue Dean from the truth of this moment, and Cas is simultaneously pleased and overwhelmed by the possibilities that solitude presents.

Eventually Dean relaxes, though his arm remains locked around Cas’s shoulder. “For as much as I could force myself to be,” he says finally. “I had to sleep sometimes. Laying there with my eyes shut got real boring, real fast.”

“You were awake.” Cas can’t help it; he touches Dean’s face, traces the familiar lines of forehead, cheeks, jaw, nose, and lips with trembling fingers. There’s color in his skin again, Cas notices. “The- the whole time?”

He remembers frantic prayers, endless tears, frustrated declarations of how much he loves the human beneath him and how Cas cannot disappoint him again. Cas is rigid in his disbelief and humiliation.

“As much as any human would be, yeah.” Dean shifts beneath him. “I’m an idiot, Cas,” the human says. “You said you loved me, but I didn’t- didn’t know.” Overwhelming joy fights for precedence with Cas’s shame. It blooms with fierce interest when Dean reaches up, cupping his face in one palm.

“I am- humans are-” The angel tries to pull away, but Dean’s grip tightens, pulling him back.

“Shut up, Cas. I love you, too.” It’s so stark, so clear, so completely unexpected. Cas doesn’t need to breathe, but air sticks in his throat anyway as he gapes at the Hunter in stark disbelief.

The angel surges forward, once again laying his claim on Dean, on his human, the man who taught him to love and be loved. He does nothing to drown out Dean’s declarations of love, or the profanity and sacrilege the hunter cries into the silence of the bunker as Cas explores every inch of what is unquestionably and forever his. It’s the best prayer the angel’s ever received and he does his best to ensure it lasts a while.

Every glass in the room shatters when Dean returns the favor after, but neither of them notice until much later.

---

“.....You’re telling me true love’s kiss broke the spell?”

Sam’s sprawled across a chair in the Library. His arms are crossed over the back and his chin rests on the backs of his hands as he stares at his brother and Castiel in equal parts incredulous shock and amusement. He looks exhausted and a little suspicious, but there’s warmth in his eyes and they’re twinkling in a way Castiel hasn’t seen in months.

“Something like that,” Dean mutters, turning his beer bottle between his palms and refusing to look at either of them.

“Something exactly like that,” Cas says, arching an eyebrow as he stares at his lover.

“It was a curse, arright? Not like I have any control over how it was made or what breaks it,” Dean grumbles.

“Okay, okay Princess Aurora, don’t get your panties in a twist.” Sam holds both hands up, palms out, and Dean flips him off. Castiel leans back in his chair and closes his eyes, listening to the siblings pick on each other with a smile on his face and contentment in his bones.

Is this what happily ever after feels like?

A few minutes later, Dean leans over to press a gentle kiss against Cas’s lips before he passes into the kitchen, and Cas stares after him just long enough for Sam to tease him about having cow eyes.

Yes. The answer is yes.

[beatlejuice64]

Destiel: Season 10 - A catalog of Supernatural episodes

A catalog of each episode in Supernatural that features scenes related to Destiel. This includes scenes between Dean and Castiel, scenes with other characters that address their relationship with each other, and scenes that allude to Dean’s bisexuality.

Season 10 Summary Analysis

Dean becomes a demon and goes on an extended vacation with Crowley. Cas is dying because his temporary grace is waning, but he still does whatever he can to save Dean. Cas has a chance to connect with a fellow angel, Hannah, but he gives that up in favor of helping the Winchesters. Cas embraces his humanity more and more throughout the season, taking a particular interest in helping Claire Novak. Cas also works tirelessly with Sam to figure out a way to save Dean from the Mark of Cain. Dean has trouble forgiving himself for what he does while under the influence of the Mark, and his self-loathing grows over the course of the season. Dean resigns himself to his fate, and after Charlie’s death, he goes off the deep end, almost killing Cas.

My interpretation: Dean and Cas both have people who develop affection for them (Crowley and Hannah, respectively), but neither one of them reciprocate because they’re hung up on each other. Castiel’s experience being human the previous season helps him make space to more fully embrace his connection to humanity, and his desire to be there for Claire ties him to Earth more than ever before. Cas also grows continually more distant from heaven as the season progresses. Dean‘s self-hatred and resignation about the Mark of Cain close him off from the people who love him, but he is able to resist killing Cas because of the deep connection they share.

10.01 Black

While talking on the phone with Sam, Cas says he misses Dean.

Crowley has grown attached to Dean during their extended vacation, but Dean doesn’t reciprocate those feelings.

Cas demonstrates his love for humanity while speaking with Hannah: “Well, perhaps I’ve been down here with them for too long. There’s seemingly nothing but chaos, but not all bad comes from it—art, hope, love, dreams.” “But those are human things.” “Yes.”

10.02 Reichenbach

When Cas finds out that Dean is a demon, he drops everything to help, even though Hannah doesn’t think it’s a good idea: “Castiel, I think the Winchesters are a bad influence on you.” “Sam and Dean may be a bit rough around the edges, but they’re the best men I’ve ever known. And they’re my friends.”

Crowley makes a joke about the nature of his relationship with Dean: “It’s over. What can I say? Crazy ones, well, they’re good for a fling, but they’re just not relationship material.”

10.03 Soul Survivor

Cas explains his desire to help the Winchesters, looking forlorn as he speaks of Dean’s current state: “Sam is alone in this. He’s attempting to change Dean from demon to human with a cure of sanctified blood, but there’s no guarantee that will work. If it doesn’t, then Dean is gone, and the demon must be dealt with.”

Hannah has grown attached to Castiel as they’ve been traveling together, but Cas doesn’t reciprocate her feelings: “Um, Hannah, you know this road we’re on, it’s dangerous.” “Alright.” “Um, we can’t afford to lose our way.” “I know that. I’m sorry about the map.” “No detours of ANY kind.” “Castiel, if these are metaphors and you’re attempting another human communication, it isn’t working.” “I’m just trying to say that this mission is everything.” “I know that.” “Getting to Dean and hunting these rogues... I’m not at full capacity, so I... we need total focus.” “Like a laser. Got it.” “Just, I’ve been around humans for long enough to see how easily distractions occur.” “Distractions...” “Emotions, feelings, they’re dangerous temptations.” “How very biblical, Castiel.” “I don’t mean to be unkind.” “You don’t need to be kind.” “I just... I’m trying to keep our priorities clear.” “Not to worry, then. I’m very clear on my priorities, and yours.”

Cas understands Dean’s point of view more clearly than Sam does: “Even after I gave him all that blood, he still said he didn’t want to be cured, that he didn’t want to be human.” “Well, I see his point. You know, only humans can feel real joy, but also such profound pain. This is easier.”

Cas visits Dean’s room to check on him, and Dean appreciates his presence: “You look terrible.” “You know, it wouldn’t kill ya to lie every now and again.” “No, it wouldn’t kill me, I just... you...” “Forget it. Well you, on the other hand, you... lookin’ good. So, are you back?” “At least temporarily. Yeah, it’s a long story—Crowley, stolen grace, there’s a female outside in the car... another time.” “Well, thank you for, um, steppin’ in when you did.”

Cas helps make Dean feel better about how he treated Sam as a demon: “I’m glad you’re here, man.” “Hey, maybe you should, um, take some time before you get back to work—allow yourself to heal. It’s, uh, I don’t know... timing might be right. Heaven and hell, they seem reasonably back in order. It’s quiet out there.”

10.05 Fan Fiction

Destiel is mentioned when we find out that the musical actors playing Dean and Cas (Siobhan and Kristen) are a couple in real life. Sam is amused by it, even joking about a pairing of him and Cas, but it makes Dean uncomfortable.

10.07 Girls, Girls, Girls

Hannah flirts with Cas and makes him feel flustered.

Hannah kisses Cas in order to convince her vessel’s husband that she left him for another man, but then she decides to leave her vessel and return to heaven, explaining Castiel’s influence on her: “Being on Earth, working with you, I’ve felt things, human things—passions, hungers, to shower, feel water on my skin, to get closer to you. But all of that was nothing compared to what I get when I saw him, her husband—his anger and grief. And Caroline was inside of me, screaming out for him, for her life back. These feelings, they aren’t for me, for us. They belong to her. I know it’s time to step aside. Goodbye, Castiel.”

10.09 The Things We Left Behind

Inspired by Hannah’s choice to take responsibility for how her actions have affected her vessel, Cas seeks out Claire Novak.  He explains that his worldview has changed: “Before, I was very self-assured. I was convinced I was on this righteous path. Now I realize that there is no righteous path, it’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it’s far to easy to do your worst.”

After Claire takes off, Cas calls Dean and Sam for help. Dean is reluctant at first, but agrees to help when he sees how important it is to Cas. When Dean gives Cas some advice, Cas demonstrates how much respect he has for Dean: “Alright, so spill. What’s with the family reunion?” “I dunno. Just been thinking about people. I’ve helped some, but I’ve hurt some.” “So you’re havin’ a mid-life crisis.” “Well, I’m extremely old. I think I’m entitled.” “Cas, listen to me. There’s some stuff you just gotta let go, k? The people you let down, the ones you can’t save, you gotta forget about ‘em, for your own good.” “That what you do?” “That’s the opposite of what I do, but I ain’t exactly a role model.” “That’s not true.”

Cas sees through Dean’s tough exterior: “How are you, Dean?” “Fine. I’m great.” “No, you’re not.” “Yeah, well, I’ve lost the black eyes, so that’s a plus, but I still have this.” “Is the Mark of Cain still affecting you? ...Dean?”

Dean confides in Cas and asks him to do what he knows Sam cannot do for him: “Cas, I need you to promise me something.” “Of course.” “If I do go darkside, you gotta take me out.” “What do you mean?” “Knife me, smite me, throw me into the freakin’ sun, whatever. And don’t let Sam get in the way, because he’ll try. I can’t go down that road again, man. I can’t be that thing again.”

10.10 The Hunter Games

Claire calls Cas out for defending Dean after his massacre: “Dean Winchester’s a monster.” “It’s possible there’s a little monster in all of us.” “You want me to trust you, and the fact that you’d even try to defend him just proves to me that I can’t.”

Dean expresses concern for Claire on Castiel’s behalf, and Cas asks him for help with her again: “Listen, man, if I could make it better, I would.” “That’s actually why I’m here. I was hoping you might reach out to her.” “Me?” “Yes.” “Seriously, I’m probably the last person she would wanna hear from.” “I thought there would be a connection. One extremely messed up human to another, you could explain why you murdered her only friend.” “Oh, well yeah, when you put it like that.” “All I know is she won’t talk to me. I thought if she understood the kind of man Randy was and the danger she was in, she might...” “What the hell? Why not? Long shots seem to be the theme around here.”

10.14 The Executioner’s Song

When Dean returns after defeating Cain, he entrusts the First Blade to Cas.

10.16 Paint it Black

Dean goes to confession and admits he doesn’t want to die, that he hasn’t experienced life to the fullest extent that he would like to: “Recent events, uh, make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And I don’t know, I mean, you know, there’s things, there’s people, feelings that I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time.”

10.17 Inside Man

Against the express wishes of Hannah and the other angels, Cas teams up with Sam to break Metatron out of Heaven, choosing Dean over heaven yet again.

10.18 Book of the Damned

Cas refuses to forgive Metatron for what he did to Dean: “I thought we were having a moment. Can’t we be besties?” “No. Because you killed my friend.” “Oh, Dean is fine, mostly. Can’t you get past that?” “Never.”

Dean is happy to see Cas when he returns to the bunker: “Good to have you back, pal.”

10.19 The Werther Project

While Dean is under a spell, his subconscious (in the form of Benny) tries to convince him to kill himself by bringing up the possibility of hurting those around him, naming Cas before Sam: “What, you just wanna wait for the Mark to reclaim you? Go out swingin’, die topside, then what? Maybe kill a few humans? Kill Cas? Kill your brother?” “You gonna get Sam and Cas to put you down? You really think they’re gonna keep that agreement? Come on. Dean, let’s say they do. Do you think that they will ever recover from that? It will ruin them.”

10.20 Angel Heart

When Cas calls the boys for help with Claire, Dean questions whether his presence is a good idea, and Cas insists he needs him there: “I need help from both of you. You were both troubled teens. You speak her language.”

Cas uses his stern dad voice on both Claire and Dean: “No fighting.” “Yeah, tell HER that.” “BOTH of you.”

Dean and Claire grow closer and become friends.

10.21 Dark Dynasty

Cas agrees to help Sam go behind Dean’s back to crack the Book of the Damned, saying he’ll do it “for Dean.”

10.22 The Prisoner

Rowena notices how rare Cas is for choosing humans over heaven: “You’re just fascinating. An angel that rejected heaven, that’s like a fish that wants to fly or a dog that thinks he’s people.” “Well, I’m a lot like people.” “Keep telling yourself that, dear.”

After Dean kills all the Stynes, Cas tries to stop him, explaining that his perspective on the situation is unique: “Maybe you could fight the Mark for years, maybe centuries, like Cain did, but you cannot fight it forever. And when you finally turn, and you will turn, Sam and everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead. Everyone except me. I’m the one who will have to watch you murder the world, so if there’s even a small chance that we can save you, I won’t let you walk out of this room.” “Oh, you think you have a choice.” “I think the Mark is changing you.” “You’re wrong.” “Am I? Because the Dean Winchester I know would never have murdered that kid.”

When Cas tries to stop Dean from leaving, Dean beats him to a bloody pulp. Dean gets close to killing him, but resists the urge at the last second: “No, Dean. Please...”

[dontmesswithnerdangels]

Character Sheet

repost, don’t reblog !

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

FULL NAME. Castiel (Angel of Thursday) NICKNAME. Cas, Cassie, Feathers, Clarence, Angel, giraffe, about a million others, depending on who you ask. GENDER. Technically, Cas is an angel and therefore genderless. He currently resides in a male vessel and identifies mostly as male out of familiarity and to make things easier on the humans around him. (Uses he/him pronouns, but I doubt he’d be too offended any which way.) HEIGHT. 5′11′’ AGE. Very, very old, but nonetheless fairly young for an angel ZODIAC. I'm not entirely sure how this applies to angels. Castiel does not know his own birthday. (Though it was on a Thursday, obviously.) It was before such things were celebrated, and angels have never participated in birthday celebrations anyway.  SPOKEN LANGUAGES. English, Enochian, a wide variety of others (probably almost all human languages, including several very ancient ones; he’s been around a long time.)

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 ! (I’m mostly actually describing his vessel here, since Cas’s vessel has since become sort of his true earthly form after multiple reincarnations and stretches of time as a human- Jimmy has been in Heaven for a while now.)

HAIR COLOR. Dark brown EYE COLOR. Blue SKIN TONE. White, but somewhat tanned BODY TYPE. Pretty average, somewhat muscular VOICE. Deep, gravelly, serious. However, his “true voice” (as an angel) is extremely high-pitched and screechy, as is characteristic of all angels. Too high for humans to take in without severe pain. DOMINANT HAND. Right POSTURE. Very good. Not quite as stiff and awkward as some of the other angels now that he’s gotten more human.  SCARS. Humans can’t see them, (just shadows of them) but his wings are a real piece of work at this point. Scarred everywhere, messy, missing feathers, really damaged. TATTOOS. Enochian on his ribs making angels unable to track him through normal means.  BIRTHMARKS. None MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S). Blue eyes, dark hair, trenchcoat and blue tie, black wings

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 !

PLACE OF BIRTH. Heaven HOMETOWN. Heaven SIBLINGS. All the angels PARENTS. God 

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 !

OCCUPATION. Soldier/Garrison Captain/Unofficial Guardian Angel/God/Gas Station Worker CURRENT RESIDENCE. Lebanon, Kansas  CLOSE FRIENDS. Dean, Sam, various others depending on the timeline (Jack, Bobby, Charlie, Gabriel, Kevin, etc.)  RELATIONSHIP STATUS. Single FINANCIAL STATUS.  Angels don’t have money- when human, extremely poor  DRIVER’S LICENSE. I think he must have a fake one- courtesy of Dean, I’m sure CRIMINAL RECORD. He’s in a whole lot of trouble with Heaven for SOOOOO many reasons VICES. pride, unhealthy food, rebellion, power, self-damning thoughts/behavior, alcohol (on rare occasions)

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 !

SEXUAL ORIENTATION. pansexual PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch  PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch (the mun does prefer playing sub though, to be 100% honest) LIBIDO.  Cas isn’t normally super sexual, tbh. Angels weren’t exactly made for that. However, Cas isn’t your everyday angel, and he may be super into it if it’s with someone he has a particular emotional connection with. (He does like new things, and really likes the emotional intimacy and seeing his partners excited.) He developed more of a sex drive after being human for a while. TURN ON’S. emotional intimacy/confidence/touching his wings!!!!/rough play/but also gentle tenderness/praise (he’s so sick of not being good enough, literally, this will melt him)/teasing/roleplay/power dynamics TURN OFF’S. emotionless hook-ups/being asked to hurt others in any way (he does not trust himself enough)/any severe pain to his wings/toilet stuff  LOVE LANGUAGE. Acts of service RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES. Cas seldom gets into relationships and takes them very seriously. He cares deeply about the people he loves and would go to the ends of the earth for them, and would quite literally die for them. He tends to be a little insecure about initiating things because he doesn’t have exceptional social skills and is never quite sure when/if he is wanted. Because of his amassed mess of insecurities, any kindness he is shown is taken quickly to heart, as is any demonstration of hatred or cruelty. Cas can be the most devoted lover out there, but if you upset him, he’s likely to withdraw substantially, potentially disappearing for long periods of time after a fight, or going totally silent. He doesn’t always realize that humans like things to be stated out loud either- the “I love you” may be strongly implied, until he is sure it is welcome. If his partner expects him to pursue a relationship in the human sense, said partner may have to explain certain customs and the way a relationship technically works.

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 !

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG. Angel with a Shotgun- The Cab HOBBIES TO PASS TIME. Spending time in nature, reading, people-watching LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED. Mainly left (though technically everyone is both-brained, the psych major mun feels obligated to mention. But I catch your drift.) PHOBIAS. Losing control of himself, abandonment, failure SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL. Since screwing up MAJORLY several times, Castiel’s self-confidence has plummeted. He can fake confidence fairly well, and will use that in dealing with other angels, or any enemies. However, he has been tricked and failed and stumbled too many times, and has thus become very afraid of screwing up and failing the ones he loves again.  VULNERABILITIES.  Love, abandonment, rejection, emotion, morality, naivety

Tagged by: Crowley! (@thekingsparty) Thank you~

Tagging: I have a few of these to do, so whoever wants to! If I’m following you and/or writing with you, I’d love to hear about your characters. :)

[twodaysintojune]

At the Edge of Time

Supernatural, Castiel/Gabriel (Casbriel?), Warnings-None

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 Find me at AO3

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Gabriel had startled Castiel’s musings. He wasn’t used to others popping up without him even noticing and it was unsettling to say the least. Now, after all these years, he could finally understand Dean everytime he had told him off when he intruded on his personal space.

It had been almost a decade since the Winchesters died an old and peaceful death that not even they understood how it had come to be. Jack was still around and kicking but he was, to put it in simple terms, an adult now, despite never looking older than a thirty-year something and even though he did look for Castiel’s company now and again, he wanted space of his own to discover everything in the world.

Castiel was alone now.

He used to visit them from time to time on their heaven but more often than not he just stayed as a spectator, never actually interacting with them. He didn’t really understand why, probably it was a part of his angel programming that told him it was best to let them enjoy eternal happiness after all their trials and tribulations. Those times he just stayed in heaven trying to help with anything and everything, just to get his mind on something and eventually left again to roam around the bunker, trying to help a new generation of hunters if the void inside was not that strong.

These days however, he couldn’t even bring himself to do that and just wandered around nature, letting time pass peacefully, mournfully.

Gabriel sat with grace by his side on the rocky cliff, the salty breeze of the breaking waves filling his nostrils. Unlike his brother, Gabriel was able to taste the air around him like a fine wine. He never wondered why but it probably was one of the perks of being an archangel. He was able to fully enjoy the human experience.

Which was why he had been developing a spell of his own. Something that could only work with angels, something that only angels needed to be worked on. He had witnessed firsthand Castiel’s dimming light. It was obvious he missed the brothers more than anyone in the world and was slowly dying without them.

And sure, he missed them too. The constant bickering, the sassy retorts. He still remembered fondly his existential chats with Sam over the kitchen table and his escapades with Dean to the Mardi Gras. After much consideration, he visited them once on their heaven along Castiel. He had to leave before his heart welled when he briefly noticed Dean’s part of heaven brimming with color and noise and cheap beaded necklaces all around.

That wasn’t real anymore.

But Castiel was very real, and very humanly sad.

They said nothing while the evening passed. A mere mortal would have complained about a sore ass after a couple of minutes perched on the uneven surface but they didn’t have that problem. After the sunset went, Gabriel sighed deeply and made a go to hug his brother.

Ever since Sam passed away Castiel hadn’t felt physical closeness once more, he even came to think he would push anyone away if that ever happened again but there was something in Gabriel so warm, so… human, that he leaned towards him for the embrace.

“I cannot let you leave like this Cas, I’ve got to do something for you.”

Castiel didn’t understand Gabriel’s urgency behind his words, he wasn’t planning on leaving his seat at all.

“I’m not sure if this will help but I just need to give it a try.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Would you trust me with this?”

“Of course”

Gabriel moved his hands to hold Castiel’s neck firmly and moved forward to press their foreheads together. He began a slow, paced chant in the most complicated enochian spell Cas had ever heard before. Suddenly, he began to feel it, a primordial change so gradual he didn’t realize it had been happening ever since Gabriel had started the incantation.  

And then it hit him, like the cold change that hits a newborn after being torn out of the womb. The saltiness of the breeze, the powerful scent of the ocean, pecks of mineral spicing things up. It was like he had been numb and blind before and suddenly the entire world was filled up with a whole new vast level of depth. And still the feeling was so strongly nostalgic that it took him more than a second to realize it was the sense of taste he had lost ages ago when he had forgoed of his mortality.

He looked at Gabriel with an expression that crossed the full spectrum between shock, longing and love, tears impossibly building up in his vessel. It was all Gabriel needed to see that his spell had worked and all the reward he ever expected to receive. He smiled knowingly at Cas, in a way that reminded the seraph of all of the archangel’s appearances on earth in front of humans. Magnificent, ardent, divine. It was like Gabriel was suddenly above him in a very substantial way and yet he had done this spell to bring Castiel up at his level.

Overwhelmed, Castiel hid between Gabriel’s arms. He hadn’t realized how lost he had been feeling without the brothers steering him around and now it was like the world was brand new and living and ready to be discovered once more.

“Thank you”

The words had come out throbbing, holding up a sob and a sense of hope and purpose at the same time. Just being there, at that moment, alive. Still alive.

“Thank you”

Castiel’s arms trembled and yet held Gabriel in a way that a normal human being would have found asphyxiating. Gabriel was silent, he didn’t need to say a thing, he only needed to be there and experience that instant of his life.