#probably not. but you'll never know! if the hyperfixation hits it probably will!

[auxiliarydetective]

Dear D3F fandom, you'll be happy to know that Jelena Charkova will be added to my OC list!

Warum darf sie auf meine OC list wenn sie eigentlich ein canon character ist? Ganz einfach, weil meine "Standardversion" von ihr ziemlich anders als canon!Jelena ist (nicht in Sachen personality, keine Sorge) und weil sie so formativ für meinen Blog war, dass sie es einfach verdient hat. Außerdem hat mein Portrayal von ihr, wie viele von meinen alten OCs, dringend ein Revamp nötig.

Einige Leute, die schon ganz von Anfang an auf diesem Blog dabei sind, wissen vielleicht, dass das ganze hier als D3F-Blog gestartet ist - speziell als Blog für mein Auxiliary AU. Deswegen heiße ich auxiliarydetective. Meine URL ist ein Hinweis auf Auxiliary!Jelena. Der Hauptunterschied zwischen Auxiliary!Jelena und canon!Jelena ist eigentlich, dass Auxiliary!Jelena nicht im Rollstuhl sitzt. Vor drei(?) Jahren hab ich das einfach mal aus Praktizitätsgründen so festgelegt und da kein großes Ding drin gesehen, aber heutzutage... Problematisch. Würde ich wohl nicht mehr so machen. Aber da ihre Fähigkeit zu laufen für Auxiliary!Jelena leider ziemlich wichtig ist, kann ich jetzt auch nicht mehr zurückgehen. Also, Zeit für ein bisschen Recherche und ein Auxiliary AU remake!

Erstmal wird Jelena aber offiziell in den Status des pseudo-OC erhoben und auf diverse Listen gesetzt und damit in den Topf für potentielle random Projekte geworfen! Zu allererst aber ihr Geburtstags-Moodboard, ihr designierter Geburtstag wird nämlich der 8. Februar - das Erscheinungsdatum von ihrem Hörspiel-Debut! Damit gehört sie zu den Moodboards, die ich nachholen muss, und wird in Kürze erscheinen :)

Also, bis dahin, Kollegen!

(@sehr-wohl-die-herrschaften hello it's me-)

[anonperegrine]

Do you research what you put in Libertango or does it just come out of your head? Also I’m so obsessed with that universe so much, married royal tntduo my beloved *giggles and kicks my feet*

It's a mix of both!!

You'll probably notice Pogtopia is very obviously Scandinavian inspired: particularly Finnish, with a little bit of Sweden and (Kola) Russia thrown in for spice.

The Yrimi are based on a real life indigenous group in Scandinavia called the Saami (also spelled Sami and Sámi)! I have a special attachment to this part of the Libertango universe because of my ancestry. My family can definitely no longer be considered Saami as we do not participate in the culture and have lost our heritage, because my most recent Saami ancestor was sent to residential schooling in Sweden and erased his culture.

So as follows, the Yrimi culture and language are heavily Saami inspired! I would love to be able to use my ancestral language Skolt Saami as inspiration, but unfortunately, this language is severely endangered, with less than 1,000 speakers in the Skolt/Inari region :( and thus it's very difficult to find information on.

So instead, the Yrimi language is based on the Northern Saami language (or Davvisámegiella). This is easier to find resources for, as it continues to be the lingua-franca of all Saami people, sitting at about 25,000 speakers.

As far as like, technology and history goes, obviously Libertango is set in a fictional 1830s. I've purposefully put myself in 1832 for the beginning of the novel, as it perfectly contains all the technology I want (IVs, trains, widespread steam power, etc) but also all the "historical" feels of the regency era. The fashion and culture of non-Saami pogtopia is meant to be reminiscent of Romanov-Russia. (Oh no, they Alexander Romanov II-ified my Wilbur Soot oh fuck)

I love when people question my technology usage because it gives me the opportunity to infodump! Like did you know the first documented attempt at intravenous medicine was in the 17th century? That's crazy! And wheelchairs have been documented in early forms as far back as 600BC China?

But additionally, some things, like the Northern Lights lore, are partially my own. In real Saami culture, the Northern Lights are the souls of our dead, but the bit about the meaning of the colors of the Lights? Like how the green Lights are "reaching down" to claim another sould? That's my own personal thing. Not rooted in Saami lore, but definitely related to it.

Hmmmmm what else... ah! You can't have my eighth grade hyperfixation on Napoleon and never use it for anything! The whole conflict the novel is centered around is very Napoleonic-wars-era inspired. Especially the bits of scorched earth, the encirclement movements, allowing the enemy to believe they've won before hitting them at full force.

Okay I need to stop no one is gonna read all of this

Thank you for the ask! Infodumping has been completed (for now)

[binch-i-might-be]

i had a sad but happy thought :(

So Trust Verse AU but Ellie survives, and the first time John meets her, it takes a few moments for reality to really hit John that "oh my god, I'm a father now"

internally, he freaks out. And Gwash senses this. So he tries to talk to John about it.

And John's just like: "I don't know HOW to raise a kid, it's not like I had the best examples to follow!" (And all that fun stuff)

And Gwash rightfully points out: "you took care of your siblings" (and probably did a better job at it than your father). But John's like "it's not the same thing tho"

Gwash sighs (because this boy is a disaster wrapped in trauma and newfound anxiety), takes him by his shoulders, and goes: "It is the same thing because you filled in where your father failed. You can raise this child, and you're going to do one hell of a good job. I know it."

Sorry for that lol. I'm sad and bored and have been hyperfixating on your series for like three months. :)

YES. YES YES YES ABSOLUTELY

for SOME reason I actually never gave much thought to John's reaction first meeting his baby but oh that has so much potential.

Alex handing her to him and at first John is nothing but happy. absolutely head over heels. that's their daughter, it's Alex and him and something entirely new, and she's beautiful and he loves her and he loves Alex.

and then Alex walks away for whatever reason and John is left alone with a whole human baby. like a whole ass person. who depends on THEM. for everything. as in. JOHN. he's supposed to be her father and take care of her when his own father never took care of him.

so he's standing there silently panicking when Gwash comes in, takes a single look at this disaster of a boy, and clocks him immediately.

"everyone is scared at first. it's natural," he says, and John stares at him like he's insane.

"I don't know how to be a father. I don't know what fathers are supposed to do."

Gwash shrugs, infuriatingly unbothered. "whatever it takes."

John is not reassured by this, so Gwash sighs and comes over, gently touches his face.

"the fact alone that you're worried about doing wrong by her means you're going to be a good father. bad fathers don't worry about failing their children."

John blinks and holds his little daughter a bit tighter. "I don't know how to raise a child," he says quietly, and Gwash knows that's not true because he's heard John talk about his siblings and the role he played in their upbringing, but that's not what the boy needs to hear right now.

"of course you don't. no one does. there's no written manual, John. no two children can be raised the same way–you just have to get to know her. you'll know what she needs."

he'll know what she needs.

he will know what she needs.

John is not going to fail his daughter.

[echologname]

How positive reinforcement works:

Dogs would rather do something they enjoy than not do something they don't.

Learning is about making mistakes. If I scolded Luna for every mistake, to her, training would just be a time where she gets yelled at and that's no fun, she'll hate it, she'll mentally shut down and not absorb any new information. She won't learn anything, she won't be set up for success.

Even if she knows if she does a specific thing, she'll get scolded and knows she doesn't like it, she'll probably continue to do it anyways because fear isn't as powerful a motivator as joy.

THIS is why training should ALWAYS be a game! The serotonin and endorphins released make her want to keep learning, they are prime for remembering things much more efficiently.

Like when I find a new hyperfixation, my brain is so high on the feel good chemicals, that I just binge any and all things related to that thing and I can become an expert on a topic in a short amount of time. The best part is that I feel like I never want to stop learning about that thing because it makes me feel so elate!

Especially with your dog, you'll build a strong bond between you two because it should feel like you're just having fun together. Also, dogs love being challenged, having a goal to work towards and earning goodies along the way, so, it's pretty similar to the Video Game effect on our brains. You'll want to make training addictive. Famous dog trainer, Tamar Geller, does what she calls, "throw a party," after a dog has performed well for a few tasks. It's like getting the jackpot in a gambling game, where the dog is showered with lots of high value treats and praises and it makes them feel SO good, that they'll want to do it again but here's the trick, it's done randomly, the dog isn't able to predict when they'll hit this "jackpot" so it builds up hope and excitement for the surprise and that's what motivates them to continue doing whatever their trainer asks without receiving a treat for every one completed.

Luna and I aren't at the random reward stage yet, actually, giving her a treat for every single little thing is what she expects and won't cooperate otherwise but I'm hoping we'll get there soon.

[mylastundeadbraincell]

2022's Fanfic Wrap-up

Happy new year everyone!

I went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to make that post, but 2022 was a pretty good year overall (I mean writing-wise because otherwise it sucked massively) and there have been a few accomplishments I felt like sharing.

5th Year Anniversary

Five years ago, in September 2017, I posted my first AO3 fanfic (not my first fanfic overall, but we don't talk about those other ones), a little DC Comics fic called One Last Look. Make of it what you will, but those opening lines still slap and I might just steal them for something else one day.

100 Works

Two weeks ago as I write these lines, I posted my 100th work on AO3 (technically a bit more since I orphaned a couple of fics, but we don't talk about those either): Love, Loss, and Moving On, an Andromeda Six oneshot.

A Little Experiment

Back in April, I posted a fanfic on AO3 that I didn't think would interest anyone. It's a drabble (an actual 100-word drabble), written for a dead fandom (that was never really alive to begin with), and posted anonymously. I barely expected it to get a few hits, but it did garner some kudos. Not a lot, mind you, but enough to not be considered my least popular work of the year. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is: post your stuff, because even the most niche fic you'll write in your life will find an audience.

My Worst Title to Date

I've never been good with titles, but No Pain Without Pain certainly takes the cake (or rather the bread). It's a pun, but one that requires you to be somewhat bilingual (and even then it's not a good one).

2022 Achievements

Works posted: 19 (out of 100 in total).

Words posted: 43 739 (out of 197 895 in total).

First work posted: Happy With Someone Else.

Last work posted: Love, Loss, and Moving On.

Longest works: Tales From the Seleota System vol.1 with a total of 7860 words. Love, Loss, and Moving On with 3623 words if you count each chapter individually.

Shortest works: Sleeping Beauty with a total of 698 works. Tales From the Seleota System vol.1 if you count each chapter individually since it has a few 100-word drabbles.

Most popular work: Happy With Someone Else. No idea why. The only thing special about it is that I posted it on my birthday. But it's somehow managed to become my second most popular fic overall, and for that I'm grateful.

Least popular work: The Wallflower and the Party Pooper. No surprise there. Non-shippy fics never get a lot of traction. Still, I quite like it. It's about Cal meeting my Traveler before the events of the game. I don't write him a lot, so it felt like a breath of fresh air.

Most popular older work: Stay With Me Tonight [Explicit]. I'm not even going to ask why.

Best month: October, both in terms of productivity and reader engagement.

Worst month: August. I honestly almost gave up at that point.

What's in store for 2023?

Well... I don't know... I do want to post the last two chapters of Four Seasons, and I do have some Andromeda Six WIPs I want to finish, but I'm waiting for episode 7 to come out before I do since they'll likely tie into those events. But tbh, I'll probably move on to another fandom pretty soon. It's been fun, but I feel like I'm running in circles. There's so little actual content in the game that I'm feeling very uninspired and my writing highly suffers from it. I'm just writing the same stories over and over again; the characters are OOC (not that canon gives us a lot to go on but still); the only things I'd be excited to write in this fandom are AUs, and at this point, I think I'd be better off writing original fiction (which I might actually do, though it's such a daunting task and I don't know if I have the spoons for it tbh). Besides, there are quite a few pieces of media coming out this year that I'm actually looking forward to, and I just know one of them is going to become my new hyperfixation.

Anyway, sorry to end on that note. Once again, I wish you all a happy new year.

[i-am-a-secret-ssshhh]

As someone who will be finishing my first year of college in a few weeks, allow me to offer you some advice that I'm probably unqualified to give:

You don't need to go to parties to make friends. Your friend group might be smaller, but it's just as good.

Join clubs. It's not easy, and there may be scheduling conflicts, but it's usually a good way to make connections or have an outlet for some stress you're having.

Don't be afraid to ask for help from teachers and TAs (but if you are there are other people you can ask questions to, like classmates)

Your notes don't need to be neat. And they don't NEED to make sense to anyone else. My current Bio exam notes (that I'm supposed to be taking right now) are completely scatter brained, and probably wouldn't make sense to anyone but me, but they make sense TO ME and they're helping me remember and study.

If someone offers help, for the love of GOD take it. Please. Even if you don't super need it, you never know what kind of advice they may offer.

Talk to your roommate before you meet them in person at move-in. Even if it's just through social media messaging or texting, or even the housing portal. TALK.

Side-note to that last one: If you're an out-of-state student, it might be best to find an out-of-state roommate. I find most people who go to the college I live at are more than happy to ditch the college as soon as the weekend hits, so you might be lonely if you're an out-of-state student with an in-state roommate.

Communication is fucking key. To everything. With teachers, advisors, roommates, friends, significant others, even club members.

Take advantage of all the facilities provided man. You're paying for it, might as well use it.

This is targeted, but if you get into an argument with your friends, don't get your parents involved. Ask them for advice, yes, vent, yes. But don't let your parents get involved in your disagreements, it comes off as immature and childish.

Failing a class isn't the end of the world. It isn't fun, certainly. And you'll need to retake it, but it isn't going to end your time at college, and it certainly isn't like you're the only one.

If you don't want to go to office hours, at least at my school, they offer extra help for science and math classes in the library.

Try something new. A new hair color, a new hair cut, a new sense of style, a new style of makeup, a new activity.

Make the time study. It's important. It is, really. Everyone says that, but it is.

I struggle with that last one. I'll admit, I was homeschooled, so I literally didn't know how to study. I got help late into my second semester. But the fact that I reached out at all, is a major milestone for me.

Don't be afraid to go get food in your pajamas, or after classes when you're exhausted and look like a mess. No one cares. We've all been there. Trust me. If anything, the people you think are judging you are sympathizing.

Hyperfixate on stress relievers. Since mid-March, I have put over 24 hours onto a game I bought on mid-March. When I have nothing to do, and I'm stressed, it's really nice to just boot up that game and play it.

You will lose friends, just as much as you will make them. You'll make realizations about yourself, and about others. It's all a part of growing.

[teenagebeautyqueen]

[Image description: a young person holds a mobile phone with a blue case and a paper on the other. the paper has a drawing of an umbrella colored with the trans pride flag. we can only see their upper body. they are looking down and to the left of the image. they're smiling without showing their teeth, and look relaxed. they're wearing a black, loose hoodie and some shorts can be seen at the bottom of the picture. they're also using black nail polish. on the background there is a door and a star wars poster. the other image is a close up of the paper. end ID]

🌈ʜᴇ/ᴛʜᴇʏ🌈

happy trans day of visability to all my fellow trans*!! here is me and my project for peace's day... i personally love it. it's on spanish, but i'll translate it for y'all.

the text on the left says "cada persona que conoces está luchando una batalla de la que no sabes nada. sé amable. siempre", which is the translation of that quote that goes like "every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind. always".

the one on the right says "¿qué sentido hay en pelear? ¿por qué insistimos en sabotearnos mutuamente? Todos caminamos por el mismo sendero embarrado, todos nos dirigimos al mismo final." its translation is something like "what's the point on fighting? why do we insist on sabotage each other? we all walk the same muddy path, we are all headed for the same end."

and above the umbrella there's words like "odio", "acoso", "ignorancia" & "discriminación", which mean "hatred", "harassment", "ignorance", and "discrimination".

yeah i'm very subtle.

i've decided to share my story with the world. but i got kinda carried away. it's not s fairy tale, so don't read it if you're sensitive to themes like bullying, mental health issues, and toxic people.

——————————————————————

it's been... one ride of a journey, to say the least. i've said a few times that i started to question my gender around summer. but that's not quite true.

growing up, i never was fond of... anything that i associated with femenine, really. this included, but wasn't limited to, any color that wasn't blue (pink and purple get a special mention, i despised them), flowers, clothes too loose or too tight, shorts if they weren't from some sport, etc. i think you get the idea.

this collided with me being afab (aka a girl for everyone including myself) & neurodivergent. i wanted nothing to do with those things. but society wanted me to love them.

5 yo me said she didn't like Monster High. 5 yo female classmate said i was a weirdo. 7 yo me loved football. 7 yo male classmate said i couldn't play because i was a girl. 9 yo me hyperfixated on minecraft. 9 yo pretty much every classmate called me a geek.

so i stoped trying. for a while, i loved pink, wanted to have rapunzel's hair, watched disney channel, etc. but i already was the weirdo. i remember being three and friends with all of them. i remember playful fights for the toy rocket and reading books with the only other boy who could read, to ourselves, each other, and the whole class. but people grow up, and they change. so yeah, i was bullied. always the last one to be chosen, left alone on the bus rides, on my own at the playground.

and you'll be thinking "that sucks, but pao, how is it related to you being trans?"

you'll see, i didn't have many friends. i was kinda alone until i turned 7. then two new kids came to my class. let's call them eva and john. i made friends with them asap. i loved them so much!! they were my first friends since kindergarden. so i allowed myself to let go. i was already hated by most of my peers. why wouldn't i be myself with those who didn't despise me? (i was 7 when i thought this. 7 years old, and i thought that out of 20 people, 18 hated me. and then people wonder why i've got self-steem issues lmao. i'm tryna make the point that bullying in primary school isn't just some mean kids calling you names. i'm currently in high school and it still has its mark on me. but that's for another moment.)

so yeah. i went "wild". eva has adhd too (noice, right? i mean she has her diagnosis becaise she's primarly hyperactive, while i'm primarly inattentive, but we understood each other way quickier than with neurotypicals– even if i didn't know why yet), and john was kinda shy & corpulent (he wasn't fat, but he didn't look slim either), just like me. so we became friends. and i slowly opened up a little, while still playing my role of "the freak kid". i knew i was seen as that AND as the smart kid. double pressure, double bullying. but i had my small circle. it evolved until my current friend group, in which, god bless, there's a trans girl!! (eva's still on it– she's my best friend and i would die for her, no doubts. john can go fuck himself, the goddamned fascist).

but it ain't that easy. it never is. i'm 14 and afab. shit happens. y'all get it.

my first period happened while i was on a school trip (bad), on a hotel with no pads avaliable (very bad), on another country so i couldn't call my mum unless i had wifi because politics & stuff– and i did not have wifi (really bad). cue a lot of dysphoria (even if i didn't know it was that) + not being able to contact anyone. add the fact that i was the second one to have it, and it was some kind of taboo– it meant the other girls wouldn't leave me alone, and the result is clear: one of my worst panic attacks ever, on a tiny bathroom of some shitty hotel room.

from there it went downhill. my body started to become femenine, and the football short didn't make my hips smaller. my face, my oh so alarged face, suddenly became rounder. puberty hit me not only physically, but emotionally. and if that wasn't enough, we, as a class, were entering what's called here "the turkey age", a.k.a. teenagerhood, where looks become even more important. it didn't take long until i hated my body.

[WARNING: from here, this gets hard. mentions of eating disorders, depressive episodes/thoughts, toxic enviroments, homophobia/transphobia (both internalized and external), anxiety attacks, and thoughts of self-harm]

i thought "it's big, it shouldn't be big, it's fat. besides i don't want it to grow so fast. i want to make it stop growing. how? well, i grow up by eating. no eating=no growing".

yeah. eating disorder. when i think about it, i want to laugh. because it only took a few comments and "jokes" for me to be so angry at myself when i should be mad with them. i'm big. always have been, very likely always will. i've been told that i could make a very good rugby player. i probably would. i shared my cantine table with people (😔). and they wouldn't shut up. "[deadname], the rest wants to eat too!", "look at [deadname], she's gonna eat it all!". things like that. i stoped eating. i would pick up the smallest amount of food i could, even if my stomach was begging me to please eat something. eventually, my mum found out. and she helped me to grow out of it. i sometimes releapse, but never for that long. because i went on a whole year like that. and it sucked.

so, last year. socially anxious neurodivergent girl with several doubts on her sexuality gets to eight grade.

i play basketball. since i was little. i used to enjoy it a lot. we weren't a team– we were a family. loved 'em so much, 1000/10 one of the best things of my life. BOOM. now you're old enough & good enough to be on the "good" team. in the good time there's the cool kids. i am not a cool kid. oops. i was left behind, they all laughed at my back, no one cared about me (except one girl, but she was in the group and was scared to act until almost the end of the year. love her for that tho). i felt like shit. i was too scared to go to train. the sight of a ball scared me, because i couldn't help but think everyone was talking shit about me. we went to a national championship and when they went out to the city, they didn't tell me, then sent a pic of them having fun to the groupchat & delated it saying "oops it was for the other group". i had several breakdowns on my room that night. it was such a bad experience i can't even hear the name of the city without tearing up.

not to count that a new girl decided to make my life a living hell. now i know how to deal with her, but then i didn't, and i ended up curled up on the bathroom floor crying.

all while i discovered my own identity. i was so scared of being non-straight i hated myself for it.

it was a tough year and there were times where i would wish i'd never existed. it was too much for me to deal with, and i was just miserable. but i got out of it. remember the trans girl i mentioned? she's closeted, and she told me just this october. but even before that, she was my friend. she bought a new life to it all, a fresh one. i owe her a lot, including accepting myself as i am.

she is here, despite everything.

i am here, despite everything.

you are all here, despite everything.

some of us aren't here. they are the ones we remember. each one of us has our history. i shared mine with you all. it is not an easy road. you know that. it's hard, and it's tough, and it's difficult, and it's unfair.

but we are here, despite everything. the ones who made it, the ones who didn't, the ones who are halfway through it, and the ones who are to come.

we are here. we are trans. and we won't be erased.

[descaladumidera]

So, wanna hear a funny story? It's more of a "how stupid can you be"-funny story but eh...

I've been in fandoms for about 15 years. Hyperfixating, reading stories, all the she-bang. I have identified as aroace for probably ten years.

And the other day I had an epiphany about why "character x reader" stories have never appealed to me. I'm aromantic and it took me years to understand why I don't like "self-insert" or "reader" stories.

I'm dumb

Oh hi, are you me, lovely anon? Like, this is on point for me, literally, except for the identifying as aroace for ten years (was aware of the ace thing for a few years, but only realized I'm also aro about two years ago or so) and only recently finding out why character x reader isn't doing anything for you (it's been a while since I was like, "Oh yeah. That makes sense, lol."). Every. Single. Thing. Is the same. Let's meet up and watch shitty movies together, so we can make fun of them, while we eat comfort food and drink something nice.

Also, you're not stupid. Reader inserts have been common for a very long time and, with all things, it's sometimes hard to understand why you don't like certain stuff. Sometimes it's just a feeling and you don't get to the bottom of why until it hits you in the face at 3am while you're mindlessly scrolling through your phone, doing literally nothing and your brain crashes in like, "Hey! You know how you don't like [thing]? During your doom scrolling I had idle time and finally figured out why and now you'll feel super dumb, because you didn't realize this sooner! Isn't that great? Did you want to sleep tonight? Too bad, so sad!"

For me reader inserts don't do anything and I absolutely do not like them, because of the romance and sex thing, yes, but I also nope out hard if it's just platonic stuff. You know why? Because every time I tried to read reader inserts, my brain goes, "Nope. I absolutely would not do what the author just said I did. Nope. Not in a million years. That person in there is not me." I simply don't like being told how I would/should behave. And as I'm not big on OCs (I wanna read stories about my faves, not other characters), I can't just imagine that this person is an OC instead of me.

That doesn't mean the story is bad! It's just not for us. Just like we don't like to read about certain ships/characters/tropes/etc. And that's fine.

So. Not dumb. Just human and trying to figure out stuff. I love that you came to me with this, though, and sorry for the ramble above, lol. I might've gone a bit off track.