#probably inside disecting someone

[neg-im]

Of deities and immortals

Vajra as Great Old One of Chaos

I've been thinking about how godhood and immortality works in the SE universe (and how can I use the lack of stablished rules to my evil motives).

Today I want to talk to you about the Great Old Ones an my headcanons about them.

So, based in the manga and the anime, the Eight Shinigami Legions are the same thing as the Great Old Ones. They were chosen as Lord Death companions for a reason, they were incredibly powerful and, somehow, almost everyone ended up being a being closer to a eldritch deity than a human.

Except the ones who Asura ate of course.

So

G. O. O. of Order: Shinigami

Fear: Asura

Power: the octopus

Wrath/Rage: Excalibur

Knowledge: Eibon

Also, there isn't a lot of clarity about Vajra being only Asura's partner or if he was an oficial member of the eight, but I consider him as one since I think that he should have been an already powerful and skilled weapon to be Asura's weapon, plus he probably was from the very first weapons ever so I think he might have ended as a Great Old One too if it wasn't for Asura eating him.

And to me Vajra could have embodied the Chaos. Let me explain.

Since we don't have a lot about Vajra, we're gonna stick with my interpretation of him, which is based in my own HC and all the info I have absorbed from friends and Tumblr users who have their own versions of Vajra.

The Great Old Ones are inherently tied to madness, showing us that madness itself isn't inherently wrong, but the specific kind of madness and the way people choose to use it is what makes it dangerous.

In the case of the madness of fear (Asura), it enhanced the primal responses "fight or fly" (sorry if I'm using that wrong but i hope you'll get the point), making people a risk to themselves and to others.

People have a natural inclination to certain types of madness, but if there's a specific wavelength acting over them, that natural inclination can change or be mixed, like Stein

Even if we don't get a canon answer of what kind of madness he primarily had (putting aside that "madness" can be an allegory for mental illness and/or neurodivergency), I think that his madness at the start of the story was more atune to Madness of knowledge (Eibon), but the influence of Asura and Medusa's snakes made him switch to a combination of that and the madness of fear. We can see how his "disect this, vivisec that" behavior was strongly inclined to a "let's do it for science" attitude, but after Asura's resurrection it was more tinted with the violent impulses of harming someone, which Stein himself reconogized as something unusual and way out of his control.

So, coming back to Vajra.

The behavior that Asura shows himself is of pure fear. He's terrorized of being near another being and never initiated combat. It was always defending himself or his crazy (unwanted) followers trying to provoke Shibusen. Yeah, he's like "I'm gonna destroy your order, Shinigami-sama" and all that but he doesn't really try to attack anyone directly, the boy is a fucking coward (affectionate).

And ok, I've said that madness can cause different reactions, but I don't think that every one of his followers shared the same unicellular brain, with the same response to fear so... How resulted in everyone being so chaotic and violent under Asura's influence?

Well... Because Asura's wavelength isn't entirely his.

Asura has 2 souls inside him. His own soul and the remaining of Vajra's.

When Asura ate him, he was probably still alive.

I have the headcanon that some weapons can live longer if they're in their weapon form, and if they get injured in human form they can turn into weapons until they can get medical care or the injury heals (but this require a lot of practice and a somewhat strong soul).

Vajra probably survived for a long time inside Asura that way, and when Lord Death sealed them in Asura's skin he was slowly losing his humanity and the ability to turn back to his human form and even the ability to communicate to Asura through their soul resonance, but their souls were still connected in some way, so, the Madness that emanated from Asura was both, Fear and Chaos.

[madabeech]

it is modern life on planet earth, why did matt damon give up his job as a dog trainer and work for liberace? was it really because he fell in love with some old pianist!? nah bruh it's the same reason the dude quit his job as a massage therapist and started selling guns.

let's focus more on behind the candelabra, because it's more black and white and easy to disect with war dogs, because it's blood for profit.

when i see liberace playing at the beginning scenes, i saw what was wrong with life on earth, don't get me wrong, entertainment, bringing joy to people with music ain't what i thought was wrong.

i was looking at the machine, the machine that fueled it, how a pianist was able to live a luxurious, well relatively luxurious life, by playing a piece of wood with strings tied tightly inside it very well.

what is that? why that is? this machine that made it possible for someone to attain a lifestyle so much more desirable than probably 99% of life on planet earth, by doing something, a lot of people could be able to do if you were to train them.

and here it is, on planet earth, they value talent, they also have a very broad spectrum for what talent is, certain talents will let you acquire more out of the machine than others.

but what is talent? do you think if enough resources were put in, we could have had more liberaces? you can apply the same idea on any other talents, singing, dancing, sports, blah blah, you name it, these talents are only quote on quote "talents", because the machine puts limits on what life on planet earth can achieve.

[rjshepherd]

Not pride themed but what do you think are the Lords favourite animals ?

More pride themed:

Au where The Lords live and Miranda dies and Ethan now has a gaggle of mutant kids now I guess

I think pride with all of them is a disaster (affectionate )

I'll do all the lords and the girls BC they're growing on me lol

Alcina

She strikes me as a person who likes animals with pedigree. In another life she might have show animals like expensive race horses or dogs that have won crufts in the UK. I don't think she has a particular favourite, but she favors big cats and apex predators like Leopards, lions ,tigers etc. i imagine if she thought she could get away with it, she'd have a Jaguar as a lap cat.

Donna

Donna really likes birds, all birds really. she likes song birds and walking thought the forests listening to them in the spring. She adores bird watching from that massive window in her house and has a lot of planters and bird feeders in the areas beside the waterfall of house beneviento.

Moreau

it'd be easy to just say fish and knock off for an early lunch but ill go deeper than that. Sal used to be a doctor and maybe even a biologist. i think he'd be intrested in crabs and why things keep turing into crabs. he's probably got a shirt that says "mess with the crabo and you get a stabbo" that Karl or one of the dimitrescu girls bought him as a joke.

Karl

i think karl shares alcinas affinity for cats. it's one of the few things they can both agree on. but his favorite animals are actually insects, with a particular fascination on moths and butterflies. as a child he used to catch and collect them and sometimes show them off. it was one of the few nice memories he ever had with miranda, catching and researching insects. unfortunately now that memory is tainted by the knowledge that one of his insects probably helped create the cadou. who does that to a kid and their bug collection???

pride stuff

ok so i saw someones post about how "ethan found karl in the trash and now he's keeping him" and like.

i dont think i can put it better than that. he just sort of collects the lords as he goes, dragging them along as companion characters instead of selling their crystal remains. I imagine he and mia introduced these lunatics to the concept of a pride parade and obviously they all had to get involved and do a village version.

Alcina is the main organiser but she spends too much time on marketing and not enough time actually organising. Thank fuck mia and ethan are there to take over.

the dimitrescu girls are running around telling everyone, sticking up posters and handing out flyers. they're holding the parade a little earlier in the year than normal so no one gets heat stroke and the girls dont lose too many flies.

Donna makes costumes for people who want to wear one as well as custom pride flags for the lords and villagers since its hard to get premade ones out there. Angie is handing out condoms and lube.

Moreau is actually organizing the decorations. He's surprisingly good at it. maybe he's been watching the craft channel on his little tv? oh and of course he's bringing the snacks too.

Part of me wants to say Karl is organising the floats for the actual parade. but another part of me just wants to see him do security for the people attending. He's got a shirt on that says "no cops Miranda at pride"

is it a disaster? im not sure tbh. maybe with mia and ethan holding on to their reins like theyre unruly kids after too many pixie sticks, things will be fine

if not, at least its a hell of a show.

[cupcakeslushie]

Hey!! So my asks don't seem to be sending so I hope this one does

I am obsessed with you AU!! I have so many ideas

At one point you mentioned that Three/Donnie can't lie and is usually brutally blunt. But can he DECIEVE? I can imagine him at the beginning of his arrival trying tricking April to go with him to the lab (probably to disect her or such, stupid humans) with a facade that he's fine with humans and just wants to play, and were it not for Raph warning her beforehand about Donnie's hate for humans she would've bought it. Could this happen or am I reading too much into it?

Sorry guys, I’m so behind on asks so I’ll be doing a bunch in batches tonight!

Pretty much none of them are good at lying. Leo can ACT if it’s for a mission and fib about small things but hates lying in general. Raph can stammer his way through a poor excuse to Splinter’s face, and when it comes to flat out keeping secrets Mikey is just horrible….BUT Mikey is more the type to be the little devious emotional manipulator, just from learning from Big Mama how to work people. Thankfully he uses this particular talent to be helpful (for the most part—sometimes he uses it to get the last slice of pizza and claims little brother rights).

Now for Donnie, it just doesn’t even occur to him to do anything but tell it like it is. Also he doesn’t have much interest in April apart from getting into petty arguments—he mostly ignores her until they find enough common ground that they can carry on a convo without devolving into children. He will always ask if he wants to test something out on his brothers. This is one of the bigger differences between him and canon—Sometimes though, he will think that something is mild, but then judging by their horrified expressions he supposes it’s just one of those times where his baseline for what’s normal is effed up. His biggest issue is testing things on HIMSELF without a care to thinking it through. To be honest the idea of testing things on his brothers or even April, without their permission makes him pretty nauseous, despite one side of his brain telling him that it won’t do any harm just to try, and the other screaming that he doesn’t want to be anything like Draxum.

I’ll reveal more soon, about how Draxum has actually cut a deal with Big Mama. They’re both okay biding their time, so Draxum isn’t in too much of a rush to collect Mikey. In Draxum’s mind, the Battle Nexus is the perfect place for him to evolve his skills. Now that doesn’t mean he’s completely happy with leaving Four in Big Mama’s hands, so Draxum creates a way to remain informed, and Big Mama is fine to take him up on it—just another variable she’s hoping to eventually manipulate in her favor…

This doesn’t stop Draxum from hanging the threat of collecting Mikey over Three’s head if he doesn’t behave.

BUT if we’re talking hypotheticals and if he did end up collecting Mikey, I think Donnie would become the ultimate overprotective brother. Any time Draxum would need a test subject, Donnie would offer himself up, no more fighting, no more trying to get out of it—not if it meant Mikey would be spared. Meanwhile I think Mikey would be plotting their escape and would eventually manage to convince Donnie that running away and living on the streets would be better for them.

He does still love to dance and bounce around, especially while working in his lab with the music loud enough to make Draxum’s ears bleed—which I suppose would mean his password would still be the same!

@yesnervousdreamcollection Oh like you would believe! *Slaps the top of Donnie’s head* This turtle can fit so many personal space issues inside him! He’s very clingy and can lean in much too close when talking to someone, but as long as he’s the one doing it he’s fine. Hugging is one of the many ways he works through being overstimulated. But if he doesn’t see it coming or it happens without any type of warning he can panic or get violent, as it reminds him of how Draxum would use his vines to grab Donnie and haul him around or shove him away.

Splinter never told Mikey or Leo as they were pretty young, but when Raph turned 13–on the anniversary of their mutation day, Splinter tells Raph the full story behind their mutation, and he sadly recalls how he failed to save another turtle during their escape. It makes for a pretty somber mutation day, but from then on Raph will sometimes add a third figure when he’s imagining playing with his other two brothers, and when he’s a bit older and April gets him a book on turtles from the library, he pauses on the page about soft-shell turtles and reads some of the facts just to have that bit of knowledge tucked away.

The topic is only ever mentioned again in passing, during one of Splinter’s tentative talks with Leo and well…

Three is fluent in Yokai, Turtle (chirps and clicks and hisses, because I absolutely love this trope in fics), and will eventually learn ASL (from Leo).

Leo knows Japanese, ASL, enough Chinese to get by, and Spanish

Raph knows a bit of Japanese that Splinter taught him, and some French from April.

Mikey also knows Yokai, and is a master at reading body language.

Trying to keep things a little vague and not to spoil too much but Draxum does notice when Three disappears. He’s not happy that he’s gone, but is more pissed that all his test subjects have found their way to Lou Jitsu and are now actively working against him as a team.

I think tea is one of the very few things that Splinter has managed to find from a decent source—maybe not AS nice as what Saki could pull, but still nothing to scoff at. Probably one of the few times that Leo is comfortable sitting silently, alone with Splinter, is when they share a pot of tea. As they grow more comfortable, the silence gets filled more easily and it becomes their own bonding time.

@organisedchaosstuff

They’d probably panic the first time it happens. Donnie and Mikey would be completely lost on what to do, and Leo, who usually takes charge pretty fast would be so shocked from seeing the destruction, and be so worried about hurting Raph that he wouldn’t be able to think of a plan on the fly like usual. Mikey would probably be the first one to act, and chain Raph up with his nunchaku. Leo would try to reason with Raph, not really understanding that his big bro isn’t really hearing him, and probably get one or two fists in the face before his instincts override his worry about hurting Raph. Donnie would be in full on panic mode, and his brain would be stuck in a loop trying to figure out what in the world caused Raph to fall into such a state—only being pulled out of his thoughts when Leo orders him to tranq Raph.

After that first rough time, they get some answers from Raph and April on how to handle it better if it ever happens again, and the next time they’re able to pull Raph out of Savage mode with a little more finesse and a lot less panic.

[plutoswrath]

☾ They way we are wired: the IC/Moon/4th house and your emotional patterns and responses ☽

Aries IC/Moon/4th: Home was an area of proof. Proof the self and prove the others, similar to Scorpio IC/Moon/4th, the marsian nature of this placement triggers a survival mode and creates someone who’s first instinct is to react and challenge their opponent. Home could have also been a battle ground of some sort and the individual might have realised that the only way to overcome this force of aggression is to rely on the self or find people to align to. Naturally this can give someone tendencies to retreat and chose the themself, but not in the intention to harm, but because the survival mode is triggered. They might have learned to follow their impulses, because the quicker they react, the faster they have the upper hand of a situation, and while this method does saves time and trouble, this could have easily lead to worsening their situation, and thus they can also fall back into a lesser known method: strategically planing their (loved ones/goals/desires) survival. As they know no other than bravely facing the world, their open nature can become inviting for people that want to try them, though out of experience, they will not take their enthusiastic nature for granted. Likewise these people are power houses that can have the tendency to forcefully and sometimes without consideration push those aside that limitat them. 

Taurus IC/Moon/4th: Usually, these people have been raised with a sense of satisfaction, stability was a priority for the parents, so the child seeks the same comfort and worries for the future can motivate them deeply to take action. Tough the satisfaction doesn’t have to include emotional fulfullment always, as the parents made their values and priorities very clear. Likewise this individual will walk through the world with (at best) set priorities and will actively try to meet their own standard. Anything that threatens to make this tower collapse will force them to react, and depending on their inner security and self-worth/esteem they can react quiet drastic and dramatic even, as this is the time when the bull will fall into it’s tantrum. This can also lead into destructive and forceful ways to either withold, keep or get what brings them pleasure or eases their mind. If they feel that there’s something lacking in their life, they usually practically and persistently work towards it and at best aren’t easily shaken, but there is a great sensibility inside of them, that can cloud their mind equally with fear and the realization of what is and isn’t healthy for them (emotionally and physically) could only come after a peroid of walking through the mudd for far too long. 

Gemini IC/Moon/4th: This persons ubringing was most likely unstable and inconsistent, which is most likely reflected by the behaviour of one of their parental figures (or both). Likewise, they had to allow, as well as endure, uncertainty in their childhood. Thus, they are flexible and adaptive and thus can appear as very affable but there is a lack of perspective and continuity in their life that can cause them to lose track which results in them having to reorient themself (which they can find much pleasure in at times). This can be traced back to their parents, as either  both parents reflected the other so much, that they could have formed to seemingly one individual (this can also hint to a single parent having to take on ‘two roles’). If the native has siblings, this reflecting of one another can also happen between them, thus the individual automatically sets themself apart from the rest in their mind. As the child grows up, it might realise that it could lack perspective and purpose and emotions that help them connect the dots, to now the person could fall back into rationalizing everything in order to make sense out of it. There is strong need to communicate to release tension, they listen to all because they try to at least understand all. While this can help building a distance to overwhelming emotions and situations, the problem also lies exactly in the inability to allow the self to become closer to those bigger concepts and grande emotions which leave them dissatisfied or even more confused. 

Cancer IC/Moon/4th: These people always come back to their roots: Usually, they handle from experience and knowledge that is passed over, when the IC/Moon/4th house is in cancer, the individual will find themself in a very strong and empathized conenction with their family - doesn’t matter if it’s more on the positive or negative side. Here the individual will find themself having to care for (generational) family matters and thus can connect well to the emotions and affairs to others, but often times neglect themself. With a bond so deep, they (surprisingly for some) can come off and become pretty detached, as they at one point can be easily overwhelmed with the emotional bagagge and responsibility they carry. They either detach and seek to break the conenction with whatever bothers them, or they embrace the situation and ‘clean up’ the mess. These individuals will find themself too much inclined with other peoples emotions and/or problems, and usually will grow to become independent (financially and emotionally) in order to adapt a more objective perspective. These people can be incredibly enduring and persistent in their approaches to others/situations and they allow time to speak, though, they sometimes should know when to let go and build distance for their own good. 

Leo IC/Moon/4th: Home could have literally functioned like a pack, it doesn’t matter if the person has siblings or not, even though home was a place for experiencing joy, creativity and warmth, it was also a place of hierarchy. These people usually have a very complex relationship to others - at one hand they need their pack, it’s their support system, their backbone when they have a hrd time standing up by themselves and they do need the validation and recognition, but at the same time they could feel threatened by people overpowering them, the idea of being too dependend on the love and support of others makes them doubt themselves and distrustfull and often times they feel the need to prove their strength or worth, just as a lion has to fight off a challenger, not only for the pack, but also for the pride. They either come back to their supportive ‘pack’, as they usually create this safe space of trust, comfort, security, encouragement and love, or they become prideful, bold and loud and try to get the upper hand and authority back. The strong desire to prove worth and obtain love might stern from a difficult relationship with a parental figure. There might have been not a healthy amount of attention given to the individual. 

Virgo IC/Moon/4th: This person comes from a place of just and order. Here, they fall back into disecting the world and people around them, they are driven to find a solution. They can easily get hung up on small emotions/details, there is a potential to overanalyze situations, but the thought of order is imprintent in their minds, acting ‘rightful’ and ‘appropriate’ makes them orient themself to any kind of rule or pattern they can follow. These individuals want to avoid the feeling of embarassement/shame, probably due to past issues in their homelife, so they calculate possible outcomes right from the beginning. They prevent. With this placement though, people usually experiences a ‘lack of’ in their homelife. This could have been caused by a permanentely dissatisfied parental figure, even though the wound is emotional, the solution or apparent problem mainfested as something materialistic and this mindset is carried on as they grow up. Though these people seem to think about everything, the challenge appears when their solutions in the 3D world are not enough: when they have to face their and otehrs feelings as the working surface they can find themself irritated and trying to escape the ‘irrationality’ and feelings in their perception of logic. They need to pay attention to not become too controling, compulsing or discrimenating and trust others. 

Libra IC/Moon/4th: This persons upbringing was deeply influenced by the realtionships in their family, and strongest by the ones of their parents. It can se the tone of the way they lead all their connections and calls for a deeper self reflection and a sense for self-determination and initiative from the individuals side. It’s true that the image one gave off and focusing on the others played a major role in the way they were raised. Here, the individual might have a strong desire to put things 'back into place', they try to rebalance and adjust everything, their own and others emotional states, because only if harmony is reached, then peace can be sought after. The focus here can sometimes lie too much on the superficial aspects, as they might have experiences that as they grew up the way things were presented to the public eye were one of the outmost important aspects of being raised and thus they can also mistake other feelings as their own. Regardless, it could have pleased their parental figures a lot, so now they fall back into 'pleasing the self and others'. This can lead to shallow behaviour in order to keep the native safe and sound, but their deep understanding of how people function and things just connect to each other can makes them equally caring and loving, but holding a healthy balance between those two aspects seem to be the difficulty here.

Scorpio IC/Moon/4th: These people come from a very vulnerable place. The homelife might have forced them to go through extremes that induced a lot of fear inside of them, causing them to be extra cautious and sensitive towards their environment. They might carry a deep sens eof responsibility for others as well, as their homelife could have relected the merging of affairs and ressources of the parental figures and the consequence of being each others responsibility. A Scorpio IC/Moon/4th house can give anyone a very emotional and deep side and if the situation calls for it, trigger a survival instinct inside of the native. They might cling to people more than other expect or use methods to guarantee their own well-being and safety that have the potential cross boundaries/limits. These individuals could have seen and experienced a lot, so they come prepared and stand their ground. Can be surprisingly 'lone wolfs', because they too need their time alone when hurt and appreciate not only solitude but loyal people in their life, and they usually walk through fire for those who are worth it.

Sagittarius IC/Moon/4th: The upringing most likely left the individual on their own at one point or another, it doesn’t mean that the parents were not loving or careful, but absent at some point and left the native to travel alone and find their ways. These individuals only want to be unhindered and free. They grew up with big ideals that could also been imprinted by their parents, though equally confronted with all the world has to offer and at the same there could have been strong believes that made them feel small, caged in, clouded their perception and thus triggered their sense for self-determination. Whenever they feel pressured they search for the best way to become free again, this can trigger a very reactive side of them, they will let go without any warnings and search for new, safer grounds, because for them there's always a next destination that surely will offer a better stay. This can make them appear lonely to others (though these people have the ability to attract new friends easily with their curious nature), but falling can feel like flying to them, so even though part of the journey they'll be alone, they mostly enjoy it.

Capricorn IC/Moon/4th: The upringing here had the fulfillment of necessities as one of the top priorities and the focus on the materialistic world might have made on of their parental figures a strict judge and often times turned the air around them cold. Being used to uncomfortable weather though, these people can pretty much turn on a steel mask and just walk through the toughest storms if it comes down to it - they are experienced in handling difficult situations and being on their own. Being self-sufficient and rationalizing precarious situations to get the control back is their talent, but mostly because it has always been that way. There was always something missing and a possible distance towards their parental figures, so they learned quickly how to get it all themselves or how to be on their own when their parents (consciously or unconsciously) decided to seperate the child from the source of care and warmth. They usually accept the solitude that comes with it, because things just have to get done somehow. But they should be reminded not to overuse this 'special ability', because it can make them feel very out of touch with their emotions and themself.

Aquarius IC/Moon/4th: Either this individual found themself set apart by circumstances caused by their family or society, or there was an individual attempt to own themself and their differences compared to the rest of their family. These people most likely experienced a frequent change in their home life, either their family constellation changed abruptly or their home setting, regarldess, this caused them to build a distance to either people or places. This distance can bring not only a objectivity and practicality to their approaches, but also an usually unjust associated coldness. These people have used their (sometimes unwanted) freedom for their own benefit at best and value their opportunities to go out in the world and recognize themselves in various people/concepts/places, thus this makes them a person that not only connects easily with the greater collective, but also might find themself fighting for what is not theirs. This can be due to an avoidant attachement style, but often times their search for themself in this wide world makes a limit of self expression, freedom or peace the biggest trigger. If someone challenges their boundaries they either get surprisngly reactionary or can easily cut them off. They are okay with moving on and leaving places or people - or at least have accepted this as a part of their own progress -, but at times it can appear too easy and should raise the question of when to deepen the bond for others. 

Pisces IC/Moon/4th: They come from a place of universal love and understanding. The household involved parental figures that were not transparent and made them rely on their gut instinct and intuition, yet, could have deceived the child by witholding information or family secrets. It's not guaranteed that these people had a safe upbringing, because they were most likely flooded with emotions and other peoples energies, thus making them highly sensitive and receiving, even if they don't want to. Chances are high that they too quickly were exposed to emotional affairs and secrets of the family they could not understand and might have had to act as their parents pandora box, filled with all that should rather be left unseen and unheared. These people will most likely fall into a deep state of retrospective, they either take things as they are or need to emotionally 'digest' them. These people often 'surrender', meaning they either go back in receiving mode and understand and accept. Thus, they can be very forgiving as well, once they made their sense out of it. People can take advantage of this trait, or the individual themself might not realize that their cut their own flesh at times. The sensitivity of these people may not be as surprising as with Scorpio IC/Moon/4th people, because it always radiates in the way they connect with the world and people.

[zatyrlucy]

Angel Dust’s comic disection

I noticed some important plotpoints in Angel’s comic, but instead of doing a lot of tiny posts I prefer to do a big one to finish quickly.

1. I think is very obvious for everyone that Angel is tired of Val and he knows he messed up by staying with him.

My theory is that he wanted to be a porn star but also create a mafia like the old times when he was alive (this based in his old self in zoophobia where he seems happy of being part of the mob with arackniss). Angel not only wanted to be his true self (something probably impossible for him in the 20s) but also continue doing what he used to do with his family (if the old canon about them still applies). He knows the sad truth, he cant do both, and being only a sexual worker seems frustrating for him because he has to deal with Val’s rules and exploitation. He really regrets his decisions as Charlie says.

2. Talking about Charlie, before this comic I thought Angel Dust was selected aleatorily and accepted because he needed a place to live. I had no idea that Charlie actually “felt” that Angel regrets his life choices.

I said in the past I have a theory about Charlie possibly being a part angel and, well, now is sure that at least she has some kind of “power” that let her know when a person is good deep inside, that’s kinda a weird ability for a demon to have. And she was right, Angel Dust even sounds kinda optimist about redemption. Who knows if Charlie felt the same when she talked with Alastor or with Vaggie the first time she met her.

3. A MASSIVE plot point given in the comic is that Charlie doesn’t know if its possible for a sinner to go to heaven.

Sometime last year I said here in tumblr that Charlie must know someone in heaven already because, how else she could be so sure in the pilot about sinners being able to go to heaven? Now that we know that she has no idea and is looking for a guinea pig to prove it, this changes everything. There is a huge chance of Charlie not knowing an angel, not going to heaven recently, and most importantly, not knowing how heaven works. That’s a very big plotpoint there, because it means sometime in the future she and the others will have to discover if its even possible for sinners to go to heaven. She would totally need a guinea pig for that, so, someone, HAS to go to heaven and is going to be a big deal when it happens. Who knows if its gonna be a protagonist or not. What if its not possible for a sinner to go to heaven at all?

4.  This part right here, “protection from hell’s constant hazards”.

That means the workers in the hotel sooner or later will have to deal with Valentino (and maybe the V group) if they want to protect Angel. That also goes to anyone who wants to stay in the hotel but has problems with other sinners or even overlords. If Charlie wants to help anyone in hell, that means she and the others would have to be in a lot of fights to protect the hotel’s guests.

5. Charlie is shy about sexual topics hahaha Well, I kinda saw that coming. She is so pure for a demon. That would also explain why she is not that mushy with Vaggie. Its understandable for me. 

I don’t know others but for me, this comic was good to cover some plot holes not only about Angel but also about Charlie. I hope Al’s comic and all the future ones do this as well. Ah, yes, and there is a typo in page 08 xD 

[babu-haitani]

hi this is for your current event but before that… woah congratulations for having 900 followers! you're so amazing for achieving this feat and i look forward to more of your works ❤

my hobbies are reading anything ranging from literary works, fan made fiction, and manga to instruction manuals (is dis weird? im sorry T^T), watching horror movies and rewatching my favorite tv show criminal minds, taking a very long nap, playing with my cats, and spending almost my entire life on social media :')

my personality, from my understanding, is that i'm nice to all people i meet because spreading thy love is key ❤ but once i get to know a person or see their actions and personality, i get indifferent with them or may even come off as mean to them…? i find it hard to befriend people in real life and even online because i can't help but feel anxious whenever i talk or chat with people. my personality, that my friends tell me, is that i'm a responsible and caring individual. my close friends are scared to have me know about their relationships because they say my aura changes from a nice aunty to a very nasty mother hen

my dream date is uh, i have to say i've never thought about this before probably cos i've never been on a date with someone who's interested in me :') but thinking about it now, i'd say going to the arcade or carnival is a dream ❤

that's all thank you! and again congratulations! *sends virtual hugs and kisses* 💕💞🤍❤

I ship you with...

-Anon...You're too sweet and I hate myself for shipping you with Hanma but your personality with his kinda gives it like a soft chaotic dynamic? Do you get me?

-Like I can see your relationship with Hanma is full on CRACK. Like Everyday...

-Mother Hen Reader x Nasty Cat (Weird ship..I know...)

-I have no words for this ship, all I can say is your tired of Hanma's bullshit. Period.

-BUT! Hanma loves you though! It just so happens, he doesn't know how to show his love aside from being a pain in the ass (you still have soft moments with him but it's like once in a blue moon).

LITTLE SCENARIO: You were slouched on the couch, a book in hand, a bottle of orange juice on the table and your reading glasses on your face. It was quiet, Hanma was beside you as he scrolls thorugh his phone. "Hey Babe..." Hanma called out, you let out a hum. "What happens to the people born on 29th of Feb?? Do they like?? Stay one until 4 years past???" He asked, dropping your book, you looked at your boyfriend who was staring at you with curiosity. 'Oh shit...He's serious...' you thought, with a deep sigh you smiled at your boyfriend. "If you're born on February 29th the FBI would take you away and bring you to Science Lab and Disect you, apparently people who are born on the 29th of feb is immortal" You replied with sarcasm but as soon as you heared Hanma gasped, you just know you fucked up. "Disect them?! What?! Is there like an infinite stone inside them?? kinda like what Thanos used or whatever that movie was with the purple dude with a gauntlet" Hanma asked. To be honest, you were suprised he knows the word gauntlet but is asking you stupid questions. Your lips formed a thin line as you stared at Hanma. "Yes" You replied, Hanma let out a long 'oh' before going back to his phone and leaning over you. Sighing, you grabbed your book once more and slouched on the couch. "Okay but like if Batman's parents are dead then how was he born? Did a human fuck with a---" "HANMA!!?" "What?! I'm curious?? It makes sense since he is BATMAN" "That's it! You're going back to pre school!" "WHAT?!? NOOO!!"

[lesserbeans]

Why Verdana wasn’t ready

Verdana sat down and looked at Ash. She looked really young for a destroyer that was assigned a case.

„You look very young. How old are you?” Ash asked in abyssal.

„I was made 12 turns ago.” A youngling then.

„They gave such a youngling a case? What?”

The young one fell silent.

„… Hey. It’s okay. I can get someone to teach you the things you don’t know.” Xe gave a reasuring smile.

„How? You’re just a watcher.” She scowled. Fiesty little thing!

„ I might be ‘just’ a watcher, but I’ve been friends with a lot of destroyers. A lot of brilinat ones too. I’m sure I can convince some people to help.” Ash kept smiling. The youngling raised his brow.

„Oh? Well…” Verdana fell silent again.

„If you don’t tell me what you don’t know, I won’t be able to help.” xe reminded, streching their arms out.

„Uhh… I’ve never destroyed a soul before. All I ever did was make some plants die with my spit.” he fiddled with her clothing.

„Okay, I can work with that. And have you ever been to The Baren Lands before?”

„Yes. Twice.” the destroyer’s face lit up. „The second time I went all by myself!”

„Nice! That’s really brave of you.”

Verdana blushed, her red freckles more visible now.

„Okay, now I know where to start. I still can’t believe they gave you a case without proper training. You can get hurt!” As shook xyr’s head. The higher-ups were really getting on their nerves recently.

„They… they said I’m really mature for my age…” Verdana met xyr’s gaze. Ah. So that what’s up.

„Honey.” Xe took his hand. „ I’m sure you are smart, and you know your way around diffrent planes. But. Without proper training even a destroyer fully in their prime would get hurt trying to disect a soul as foul as the one of our target. I’m not mad at you, okay? It’s not your fault.”

The youngling’s eyes were slowly filling up with frear.

‘But.But they said…”

„Hey now. If you follow my advice, and don’t go too fast with it, everything will be okay.”

Xe tried cheering her up. It kind of worked.

Something purple moved in the corner of xyr’s vision. Mr. Afton.

„Look at the middle-aged man on your  left, but don’t make it obvious.”

„The one in purple?” He whispered.

„Yes. That’s our final target. Look at his face. Remember it.”

Mr. Afton looked around the dining area. He seemed to be looking for someone. He saw what he needed to and disappeared again.

„Where’d he go?” Verdana whispered again.

„The backroom, probably.

 Ash walked down the dimly lit corridor, knowing that the person they were looking for would be somewhere here. Xe walked towards a door that led to the lab, knocked and walked inside.

They discovered that they were right. Laurent, one of the higher ups, was approaching the door from the inside.

„Your highness,” Ash bowed their head, „I need to speak to you.”

The destroyer’s mouth curved up. „Ashtham. I’ve been waiting to see you.”

„Forgive me for accusing, but I believe you have made a mistake.” Xe kept their head down, afraid to meet the destroyer’s eyes. Xe noticed the lab was unusually messy.

„A mistake? What do you mean by that? Is the destroyer we assigned unfit for the case you are leading?” darks mocking smirk could be heard in darks voice.

„With all sue respect, your highness, she’s an untrained youngling. The soul we are dealing with is highly evil. Without proper training he will get hurt. Someone has to show her what to do.” xe finally looked into the eyes of the higher-up.

 „Well, of course. He is still a youngling. You are right about that. But, she learns quickly. She is ambitous. I’m sure schooling him won’t be a problem for you.” dark leaned on the counter, looking at Ash with a shine of smugness in his eyes.

„Wha- me? But, I’m a watcher, not a destroyer. I can’t teach him!” Confusion painted on xyr’s face and in their voice.

„And yet you can do a listener’s job just fine.”  dark locked eyes with them.

The silence that fell in the room was filled with tention. Ash could hear the wind blowing outside.

„This is a personal disagreement.” Xe spoke,their voice quivering with anger. „No one else should suffer because of it. Every single listener I spoke to about it said it’s alright. You are the only one who seems to have some sort of a problem with it.”

 „The listeners are spineless cowards.” Laurent pushed darkself off the counter and stepped closer to Ash.

„Not the ones I met. They all help everyone, both people with souls and us.” The watcher didn’t step back.  Laurent’s red, anger filled eyes were still fixated on Ash, as if burning a hole through them. Darks long, thin fingers twitched every now and then. Dark looked like dark wanted to rip xem apart.

„But I don’t think this is really about the listeners neither, is it, Laurent?” xe nearly whispered.

„You do not speak to a higher up by name!” dark raises darks voice.

„Forgive me. I thought I was speaking with a friend.”

 Silence filled the room yet  again. Ash bought xyr’s head down, waiting. Xe knew that one hurt Laurent, but xe didn’t care.

 „… I can try to teach Verdana what I know, if that is what you want.” Ash was still speaking quietly.

The only answer they got was silence. When xe looked up, the destroyer didn’t make eye contact.

This conversation was over.

„Have a good day, your highness.” Ash boved their head, turned around and walked out the door. Xe didn’t see dark extanding darks hand, as if wanting to stop xem.

  When Ash popped into existence in the place xe left Verdana, she was watching the sunset.

„Hey kid,” xe plopped on the ground next to him, „I have news.”

„Good news or bad news?” the youngling asked.

„It’s news. I am your teacher. At least for now. Until the higher-ups decide they are sick of my shit.”

„But, how? You’re a watcher. I don’t think you can teach me.” She looked back at the sunset.

„Well, I can certainly try.” Xe followed his line of sight.

 „You know, I’ve watched a lot of destroying rituals in my time. So I think I know more or less how it’s supposed to look. I’ve talked to a ton of destroyers too. Been friends with some too.” they smiled.

 „hmm… I mean… I guess we can try and make this work somehow.” The destroyer smiled too.

„That’s the spirit!”

 They sat in silence, watching the day slowly end.

@fazbear-ent-official  

[purplesurveys]

1044

survey by a7xbabii 

Do you use e-mail often? I use it for eight hours, five days a week for work, so yes.

Do you hear any animals right now? I’m in a Starbucks inside a mall situated in the middle of a busy highway. It would be very unlikely to hear any animals right now.

Are you in a well-lit room? Sure, I’d say this establishment has good lighting. There’s no light directly above me unlike the other seats, but it’s okay in this case as I don’t want other people seeing me take surveys.

Is your trashcan full? The main one we use at home just got full, so the last time I checked this morning my mom was airing it out.

What was the last crunchy thing you consumed? My chicken barbecue sandwich from last night.

Did you view anything disturbing today? Hmm, I guess so? I wanted to entirely redo one part of my embroidery piece since I wasn’t happy with how I did it, so I had to remove the threads and stuff. When they were all gone the template was filled with holes and it looked like one of those trypophobia photos. I’m not personally disturbed by that phenomenon, but I know a lot of people are.

Are there any holiday decorations in your house? Yeah, we’ve had our Christmas tree up since the beginning of November. We also usually put a wreath up our door but idk why my mom didn’t this year.

When was the last time you had a terrible headache? Last night, because I had not eaten all day. 

Have you recently put lotion on your hands? No. I don’t like the feeling of lotion, so I don’t apply it on me a lot, if at all.

Are you hungry? Not so much, actually. I don’t feel too hungry today; I didn’t even finish my breakfast and that’s the only meal I’ve had so far today, and it’s already 4 PM.

Is it rainy where you're at right now? No, it’s quite fair. The sun’s not too strong anymore because of the time, but it’s still very much bright out.

Do you carry a purse? If so, describe what it looks like. I take a wallet with me. It’s pink, made of fake leather, has three main slots inside, and it also has some tiny bite marks on the outer edges from when Cooper was a lot younger.

Is your cell phone on vibrate? For certain notifications only, like texts and Viber.

Is your dishwasher full? We don’t use a dishwasher.

When is the last time you saw someone you like/love. Around a week and a half ago.

Do you like to wear gloves? No, I find them too itchy and I don’t need to wear them anyway.

Is there a body of water near where you live? There’s a creek that passes through my village near the clubhouse area, if that counts.

What are your thoughts on Avenged Sevenfold? No opinion. I never listened to them; though I am reminded of this one mutual I used to have on Tumblr/Twitter. She used to be a wrestling fan and was a part of our main circle, but she gradually shifted her main fandom to Avenged Sevenfold. By the time she cemented her new interest she then went on a huge unfollowing spree of wrestling fans on her feed and she apparently PM’d each person she intended to unfollow, including me. I remember her explaining that she was now in a different fandom and was gonna have to stop following me which I found...kinda extra to be honest lmao because nobody does that, but I appreciate the effort to approach each one of us, I guess.

Are you wearing anything pink right now? Nope, but my wallet is pink and so is my keyboard cover.

Do you like to swim in the ocean? I prefer beaches, but sure.

What is the creepiest bug you've ever saw? Cockroaches.

Do you currently have split ends? I don’t think so.

When is the last time you used the bathroom? Around five hours ago when I took a shower before heading out.

Do you chew on your lip? Almost never.

Are you afraid of needles? For the most part yeah, especially syringes. I’m not afraid of them when I do my embroidery, but that’s the only time I feel comfortable with a needle.

What is the last thing you lost? A pen, I think.

When is the last time you saw a bald person? Five hours ago, when I said bye to my dad.

What car were you last in? [continued from two days ago] My own. I was driving home from the mall.

Do you like Batman? I tried to get into Batman and the whole shebang of comic books when I was a teenager, but I just couldn’t.

Have you ever played tennis? Never have, actually. I’ve always wanted to try.

Can you see a star shape in the room you are in? Probably not in my bedroom.

What are you sitting on? A pillow I’ve placed on my work chair so that it’s more comfortable. My parents got me a basic chair initially meant just for my internship, so it’s not the comfiest of chairs haha. But now that I have a job, a more suitable work chair is probably one of things I’ll have to invest on.

What is the last warm thing you touched? My chest felt itchy just a few seconds ago, so I was able to feel my skin scratching it.

Do you use hand sanitizer? That’s kind of a necessity now, so...

Where do you want to go in life? [continued from...I don’t even remember anymore] I don’t know if I even plan to make it past 30 at this point. I can’t answer this right now.

Are you sweating? No, I’ve been in air-conditioned rooms all day and it feels so damn good.

When is the last time you had to scratch an itch? A few minutes ago when my neck itched.

Are you in any kind of club or group that is trying to save animals? No, but I very much support the cause.

Who is the last blonde you saw? At work today I saw someone who had her hair dyed blonde.

Where were you two hours after you got up, and what were you doing there? I needed to go to the office today because my team and I needed to pack some stuff to seed to certain media. It was the first time I got to visit the place and it was sooooooo homey and pretty :) I wish we can be allowed to work in the office soon; it would be best for my mental health at this point.

Do you wish for world peace? Um, of course.

Have you ever played fetch with a dog? We were able to teach Cooper how to pick up items that we throw but he’s still slowly learning that he actually has to give it back to us, haha.

What is the nearest object that is wood? The table I am typing on is made of wood.

Do you use Netflix? Yes, we have a family subscription.

Does your house have a fireplace? No, we don’t. And I can confidently tell you all other houses in this entire country, and probably the whole of Southeast Asia, don’t.

Do you wake yourself up in the morning, or does someone else? I wake myself up. On important days, I’ll put an alarm on.

What kind of hoodie did you last wear? It was a white hoodie with a UP seal on the left side.

Do you play games on your computer? No, my laptop isn’t equipped for games. I tried downloading Sims 4 when they made it free for a few weeks back in 2018, but my laptop’s fan started whirring like crazy and the battery got drained super fast. The entire period of me booting it up and then deleting it took like, a literal 15 minutes.

What is the last video game that you played? Mario Kart 8 on the Switch. I want to get myself Switch games as gifts, but I’m just so stingy towards myself hahaha.

Have you ever pet a stingray? I’m 50% would like to at least once and 50% I know of what it did to Steve Irwin, and I’m not messing with them.

If you were on vacation, would you ever go to Ireland? It’s not a big item on my bucket list, honestly. I’d love to go to Ireland, but it would probably be a part of a bigger itinerary, like if I decided to take a trip to that part of Europe.

Are you logged into Myspace right now? I haven’t been on there for more than a decade.

Did you have anything bad happen to you today? Yeah, but they’re stuff that happened at work that are a little hard to explain. 

Have you ever been to New York? Nope. I’d love to take a trip there.

Do you use the term "lol" if you don't have anything to say? Not really. I use it in the end of my messages more so that I don’t sound mean.

Should you be sleeping right now instead of taking this survey? Hell no. It’s a Friday night so the last thing I want to be doing is sleeping.

Can you truly say you hate anyone? I don’t think so. I greatly dislike my brother, but I guess I don’t hate him. I find it too strong a word.

Have you ever disected a baby pig in a class at school? Not a piglet, no. We dissected an earthworm, a fish, and eventually a frog.

What brand of dish liquid do you use? A local brand you wouldn’t recognize.

When is the last time you ate a Hershey Kiss? It’s probably been more than a year. It’s not my favorite candy.

Do you ever feel unappreciated? Yes.

Do you currently have any blemishes on your face? No. My pimple finally went away, hallelujah.

Who is the last baby you held? My cousin who is now 13 years old. I’m too anxious to hold babies; I always feel like I’d drop them so I find myself declining even when I have the chance to hold one.

Are you a lover? I guess.

Do you use smileys often in text convos? Yes. Not a lot of people like them but it’s better to sound friendly and approachable than stoic.

Do you have the Google toolbar on your computer? Like...Chrome? I have the program, yeah. It’s my default browser as well.

Do you like Sunkist? I’ve never had it.

Would you ever consider being a cannibal? I mean...I guess only if I was in a life-and-death situation, like if a plane I was in crashed on an island and I was starting to get hungry. I certainly don’t fantasize about cannibalism on any regular day.

Did you forget something important in the past week? I made a few mistakes at work due to me forgetting things, yeah.

Do you like learning new things? Sure.

What color is your toothpaste? White.

Are the floors in your house creaky? Nopes. I don’t think our doors are creaky-level just yet as well.

Do you fear death? I hate the uncertainty of what happens while it’s taking place, and what happens after. But I’ve been wishing for it for a while as well. There’s a difference.

Is your mouth dry? Not right now, no.

Do yoou have any scars from an animal? Yeah I’ve got a few marks and scratches from Cooper. I never run out of them, really.

Did you have fun with this survey? It was okay.

Was it random enough? Sure.

[stashstalling]

First Post

I've always felt like I'm an entitled person.

Not in the sense that I'm entitled to receive things, but in the way that makes you feel your complains, your hurts and your anxieties come from a place of selfishness and lack of empathy.

I'm a selfish person and as cynical as it sounds, I may believe that to some extent, we all are. It's not something that I believe to be bad, it's just a harmless fact, however I don't consider myself to be someone who lacks empathy, maybe that is why it feels so confusing to consider my emotions from that light.

Feeling is confusing, or at least to me, it feels that way.

However I feel my emotions, though, is the topic for another post.

This one is about what I believe to be my most selfish hurt.

I believe we're born being uncaring of ourselves, we're not born feeling self-consious or hyper aware of our looks, of the way we talk, laugh, cry or move.

We're born wissfully unaware of the fact the exterior sources may not like what we're inside, that they may want to change it, shape it.

That unawareness doesn't last for long.

It lasts you as long as it takes you to understand that if people looks at you certain way, you must shut up, because you talk to much, as long as it takes you to understand that even when your mother says she loves you for what you are, it still doesn't make it feel right when she tells you your hair is ugly, that you look messy or unpresentable, that the way you want to wear pants and jump in the mud like a _kid_ is shameful, even when you're a kid.

There are a lot of factors that make a difference in the way we diggest these facts. There's emotional stability, home stability, having a safe space. I think a child, as they use to lack a self-reliance system or a sense of self-worth, are in need of someone who will teach them how to build these systems for themselves, as they support their children while they're making it work.

With that said, I know lots of children are not raised that way. I'm still yet to know more than ten people raised that way.

I was born a healthy child, looking exactly the same as my deceaced grandmother and getting a name thought in the last moment, because my dad is petty and he didn't get to name my sister, so he had to name me.

All in all, it was a childhood. I'll pour it and disect it slowly, but as of now, I want to focus on school.

I don't believe children are cruel. I believe adults are cruel and children are sponges, they absorb, you dig them in paint and they'll suck it in and even after trying to wash the sponge off over and over again, if they dug for too long in it, there are always remains of it. Children listen to cruel words, and being ignorant of how deeply they reach, they repeat them out loud.

Children believe a "Sorry" fixes things, they're still not conscious of regret, pain and consecuenses.

I read posts about self-image, about eating disorders, about how much people had hurt other people for not looking the way they want them to, the way society somehow decided it is "the right one", and I feel so much for them, I feel for them because it must be so hard, I feel it so deeply and I feel guilt, because I understand them and at the same time I don't.

I was never told to exercise, to diet, was never told if I didn't mind what I ate.

I have always been thin, awfully thin. The "can count your ribs" kind of thin, the "you can see their articulations moving" kind of thin. I didn't care when I was a child , but people made me care, they made me notice. Iin my experience, changes are mostly not some abrupt movement from one situation to the other, changes start with the little things, with whispers, with off-handed comments, with pointy glances and judging words.

They start in the shape of the first person asking you after a class how often do you throw up.

They start when you look up what being bullimic is and why is people calling you that.

Changes start when you ask yourself why are they calling you something that you're not.

I was confused, disoriented. I didn't get the questions, the comments, I didn't understand why suddenly my teachers wouldn't allow me to go to the bathroom on my own or why they'd insisted on giving "eating disorder lessons" and ask _me_ if I understood.

I didn't get why suddenly they were asking me _why_ I was so thin, what was wrong with me, was somethin happening at home.

It all came from a place of worry, at least that I want to believe.

Yet, those situations made me start questioning myself: what's wrong with me?

See, I think it's ironic, how we people tend to think we're somehow always in need of something someone else has, in need of something someone else hates.

Being thin was supposed to be a blessing, my mother said, you never see a thin person on Tv or Cartoons feeling harassed, insecure, being called names.

You don't see people staring at them as they call them sticks, sick, bullimic, you don't see them listening to the people that talks about how damaged you had to be, to throw up so much you look like that, you don't see them feeling humilliated and frustrated as their teachers only _assume_ and ask whenever you want to go to the bathroom if you've eaten shortly before.

I was never judged by what I eated, I was judged by the things I didn't want to eat "Don't you want this? why? you think it'll make you fat? eat it", "Why don't you eat this meat? How are you going to be full when you're this thin? Eat up", "If you don't eat more you're never going to stop looking like a stick".

It's ironic, and maddening, how no matter where you lay in whatever espectrum, people may always be there to make you feel bad for it.

I'm feeling tired, drained. I have to work tomorrow, also, and I've never ever talked about this before. This post must be a mess, but I decided not to proof check anything. I'm just saying things as they come to my mind, as I feel them and that has to be enough right now. I will probably keep writing about this tomorrow or another day, because there's so much I have to face about this, some hurt I'm just recognizing right now, some things I heard that now that Ii remember so clearly I can see they stayed deeply withing me, I'm just realizing how deeply this impacted in me while growing up and it's a sickening thought, how much can some missconception make a proccess as beautiful as growing and changing to feel so painful.

If you reached this far, I just want to tell you that you're important, you're valid and you're loved. Some people suck, they don't understand and what's worse, they don't want to. There's going to be people who talks from a place of ignorance and the darkest colors they absorbed while they were still sponges, and sadly, they're probably going to speak the loudest, shout the most, but please, try to shut the off, and listen to those quiet voices who wish you the best, who sing you the songs you deserve to listen, who will remind you that what matters at the utmost end, is that you learn to treasure yourself, to hold your own cheek and say "this person I'm holding is beautiful, is kind, has suffered, but they can heal and be who they're meant to be, whatever it means, whatever it entails."

Send you hugs and regards after all this mess.

See you, or probably not.

[suckitsurveys]

Do you use e-mail often? I mean, my job is answering emails, so yeah? As far as personally, I don’t send very many but I use it to track packages and get offers and crap.

Do you hear any animals right now? Yes, my cat Ramona is next me, purring crazy loud. I also hear my neighbor’s dog prancing around upstairs. 

Are you in a well-lit room? No. The lights are off and there’s very little natural light. I have our LED light strip on though. 

Is your trashcan full? It is. Which reminds me, I have to fucking clean this house on my lunch break.

What was the last crunchy thing you consumed? Cereal.

Did you view anything disturbing today? Yeah.

Are there any holiday decorations in your house? Not really in our apartment. The cats would destroy them. We have a santa hanging on our front door though, and I plan on putting up some lights out front either today or tomorrow, but I need batteries for them.

When was the last time you had a terrible headache? Yesterday.

Have you recently put lotion on your hands? Yes.

Are you hungry? Not very. I do want another bowl of cereal though.

Is it rainy where you’re at right now? It was recently but it doesn’t seem like it now.

Do you carry a purse? If so, describe what it looks like. I had a purse but I didn’t want to have to keep wiping it down when i left the grocery store so now I just take my wallet when I go in. I have a backpack I take everywhere thought that has clorox wipes and hand santizer and alcohol spray and some other necessities. 

Is your cell phone on vibrate? Yup.

Is your dishwasher full? We don’t have one.

When is the last time you saw someone you like/love. About half an hour ago. If I lean to the left far enough I could see him in our bedroom.

Do you like to wear gloves? When it’s cold, sure.

Is there a body of water near where you live? Yeah, a pretty big lake. A Great one, actually. :P 

What are your thoughts on Avenged Sevenfold? I don’t have any.

Are you wearing anything pink right now? Nope.

Do you like to swim in the ocean? I’ve only done it twice.

What is the creepiest bug you’ve ever saw? I HATE earwigs and centipedes.

Do you currently have split ends? My sister recently cut my hair so they aren’t horrible. 

When is the last time you used the bathroom? Like half an hour ago.

Do you chew on your lip? More like the inside of my cheeks.

Are you afraid of needles? I am not.

What is the last thing you lost? I don’t recall. When is the last time you saw a bald person? My dad on Saturday.

What car were you last in? My own. 

Do you like Batman? Yeah. Have you ever played tennis? Yeah, not like on a team or anything.

Can you see a star shape in the room you are in? Yes. There is a wooden star cutout on our TV shelf. I also have a star shaped nose stud but I can’t actually see that. 

What are you sitting on? My really uncomfortable couch. We ordered a new one in October but it’s still not here and I want it so baaaaaaaaaaaaad. 

What is the last warm thing you touched? My kitty.

Do you use hand sanitizer? All the damn time. 

Where do you want to go in life? I don’t know.

Are you sweating? No.

When is the last time you had to scratch an itch? Recently.

Are you in any kind of club or group that is trying to save animals? Not currently.

Who is the last blonde you saw? My nieces. 

Where were you two hours after you got up, and what were you doing there? I got up at 7. Stayed in bed and worked until about 9. And here I am now on the couch working.  Do you wish for world peace? Of course that would be the dream.

Have you ever played fetch with a dog? Yeah, and a cat.

What is the nearest object that is wood? Pretty sure parts of this couch are wood. And this table I am using is probably a wood composite. 

Do you use Netflix? Yeah.

Does your house have a fireplace? I wish.

Do you wake yourself up in the morning, or does someone else? Usually myself or my alarm. Sometimes Mark will have to nudge me awake.

What kind of hoodie did you last wear? I currently have on a grey Cubs sweatshirt.

Do you play games on your computer? No. I do on my phone though. 

What is the last video game that you played? Wii Bowling.

Have you ever pet a stingray? I have! At the beginning of this year actually.

If you were on vacation, would you ever go to Ireland? Sure, if someone paid for it.

Are you logged into Myspace right now? Uh, no. I haven’t logged onto Myspace in YEARS.

Did you have anything bad happen to you today? I woke up with a headache. 

Have you ever been to New York? State, yes.

Do you use the term “lol” if you don’t have anything to say? Sure.

Should you be sleeping right now instead of taking this survey? I wish I was sleeping. I’m technically working, lol.

Can you truly say you hate anyone? Yes.

Have you ever disected a baby pig in a class at school? Unfortunately. 

What brand of dish liquid do you use? Method. We have this sea salt and lime or something scented one I bought earlier in the pandemic because the other cheaper ones were sold out but we both fell in love with it so that’s what I buy now.

When is the last time you ate a Hershey Kiss? Probably around Valentine’s day.

Do you ever feel unappreciated? Sometimes, yes. But then I get uncomfy when I am appreciated? Lol. 

Do you currently have any blemishes on your face? SO many. I have this zit I get in the same spot on my forehead every year around Christmas but this year TWO of them came, thanks. I also have maskne and my usual acne from touching my face all the damn time. 

Who is the last baby you held? My 2 1/2 year old niece is still a baby to me. I held her yesterday.

Do you use smileys often in text convos? Sometimes. I use emojis more in IG and Facebook captions.

Do you have the Google toolbar on your computer? Yeah.

Do you like Sunkist? I don’t hate it.

Would you ever consider being a cannibal? WHENEVER YOU TELL ME I’M PRETTY, THAT’S WHEN THE HUNGER REALLY HITS ME, YOUR LITTLE HEART GOES PITTER PATTER, I WANT YOUR LIVER ON A PLATTER. Ah, the early days of quarantine on tik tok. 

Did you forget something important in the past week? I don’t remember...

Do you like learning new things? Yeah.

What color is your toothpaste? White.

Are the floors in your house creaky? No, we are on the bottom level so there’s no sub floor to creak.

Do you fear death? Yes and no.

Is your mouth dry? Not currently.

Do you have any scars from an animal? Nah.

Did you have fun with this survey? It was fine.

Was it random enough? Sure.

[flirting-with-psychology]

survey by a7xbabii

Do you use e-mail often? Yeah

Do you hear any animals right now? No

Are you in a well-lit room? Sorta

Is your trashcan full? No, we just emptied them

What was the last crunchy thing you consumed? Chocolate coins

Did you view anything disturbing today? No

Are there any holiday decorations in your house? We have the living room decorated for Hanukkah

When was the last time you had a terrible headache? Yesterday

Have you recently put lotion on your hands? Yes

Are you hungry? A little

Is it rainy where you’re at right now? No

Do you carry a purse? If so, describe what it looks like. Yes, it’s green with tan accents

Is your cell phone on vibrate? Yes

Is your dishwasher full? Not too full

When is the last time you saw someone you like/love. Romantically, I saw my boyfriend earlier today. Family, I saw my dad a few minutes ago

Do you like to wear gloves? Not especially but I do for covid

Is there a body of water near where you live? There is a pond

What are your thoughts on Avenged Sevenfold? What?

Are you wearing anything pink right now? I have a salmon-ish sweater

Do you like to swim in the ocean? Yes

What is the creepiest bug you’ve ever saw? Spiders

Do you currently have split ends? Oh I’m sure, I haven’t gotten a haircut in like a year and a half

When is the last time you used the bathroom? Probably like a half hour

Do you chew on your lip? Not too much

Are you afraid of needles? A little

What is the last thing you lost? My chapstick, i think it got eaten by the couch When is the last time you saw a bald person? My dad is balding

What car were you last in? Mine

Do you like Batman? It’s ok Have you ever played tennis? Only in gym class

Can you see a star shape in the room you are in? Yes

What are you sitting on? A chair

What is the last warm thing you touched? My laptop

Do you use hand sanitizer? Yes

Where do you want to go in life? Uhhhh

Are you sweating? Not yet

When is the last time you had to scratch an itch? Like a second ago

Are you in any kind of club or group that is trying to save animals? No

Who is the last blonde you saw? probably someone in the store

Where were you two hours after you got up, and what were you doing there? I was probably in the shower, showering Do you wish for world peace? Sure but not actively, I’m too self-centered

Have you ever played fetch with a dog? Yes

What is the nearest object that is wood? The table

Do you use Netflix? Yes

Does your house have a fireplace? Yes

Do you wake yourself up in the morning, or does someone else? It’s usually my alarm if I am waking up in the morning

What kind of hoodie did you last wear? Blue with white fuzz inside

Do you play games on your computer? A little

What is the last video game that you played? Detroit: Become Human

Have you ever pet a stingray? Not sure

If you were on vacation, would you ever go to Ireland? Yes, I want to

Are you logged into Myspace right now? No

Did you have anything bad happen to you today? My mom got annoyed with me and I with her

Have you ever been to New York? Yes

Do you use the term “lol” if you don’t have anything to say? Sometimes

Should you be sleeping right now instead of taking this survey? Probably but I don’t even consider going to bed this early anymore

Can you truly say you hate anyone? I think I hate Trump and Mitch McConnell

Have you ever disected a baby pig in a class at school? We did something, I can’t remember if it was a pig

What brand of dish liquid do you use? Dawn I think

When is the last time you ate a Hershey Kiss? A few months ago

Do you ever feel unappreciated? Yes

Do you currently have any blemishes on your face? Yeah I have a couple zits

Who is the last baby you held? No idea

Do you use smileys often in text convos? Sometimes

Do you have the Google toolbar on your computer? No

Do you like Sunkist? Sure

Would you ever consider being a cannibal? Maybe if I was gonna starve to death otherwise

Did you forget something important in the past week? probably

Do you like learning new things? Yes but it’s tricky because I don’t enjoy learning from books or videos, I want to be in class and learn by doing

What color is your toothpaste? Whitish-blue

Are the floors in your house creaky? Some

Do you fear death? Yes, especially now

Is your mouth dry? It’s ok

Do you have any scars from an animal? No

Did you have fun with this survey? It was fine

Was it random enough? Lol XD rawr

[waywardpeachtreebakery]

What about PHILOSOPHY?

Form our past previous discussion we talked about the our first introduction of this lecture of how we will deeg in inside of our grounded problem relatively to the world we are in the present. Now we will be dicussing the philosophy and its origin by disecting the world itself in through the help of people back to the ancient greece!

-Philosophy was first emerged in greece 500BCE where the intillectuall movement like buddhism and jainism were developing in the asia, while the philosophical thoughts was emerging in greece.and then there were scholars who had differenctiated the world between MYTHOS as( STORYTELLING) and PHILO as(SCIENCE) but when we say PHILSOPHY it is leterally means LOVE OF WISDOM and sometime it uses as academic study of everything. But as contrast between science and philosophy, science is the study that has imperical element while philo came to be undertsood as thinking about thinking. simply, thinking about question.it's like when you think about your question with the problem you have you are already doing philosophy even when you're chosing your clothes to base what you are prefer to you still doing philosophy beacuse you're trying to make sense of your world that can be consider as your own perspective.

When we talk about how to be PILOSOPO or what should be the Characteristics and quality of being PILOSOPO and you might think it's youre classmate who making twist to word for his joke or probably to a person who is sharp and smart enough to make a profound words like your president when he/she is making presedential statements. Or maybe when someone you ask to do something but he defy you with some senseless reason. However all of these sort of people whose uses different reasoning can be consider as PILOSOPO in somehow point. But as we have said that PILOSOPO are those people who's trying to make sense to their world.

Philsopher have been questioning the same questios and they don't get tire of this. Some of those is "WHAT IS THE WORLD LIKE"? And this such question could be cinsdered as an impractical question beacause you can give answer with this even by only looking things that sorrounds you however as it goes further it can rasie to a question like "IF THE WORLD ARE JUST MADE OF ENERGY AND MATTER THEN WHERE DID THEY COME FROM OR IF THERE AIN'T ONLY MATTER AND ENERGY IS THERE A GOD? Then some would say, then who he, she or it like ? Is there any imaterial thing awaits when i die? All of this question can be consider as METHAPYSICHS the branch of philosophy thay study the nature of reelity and as expected there is EPISTIMOLOGY that study the nature and scope of knowledge like knowing about knowing and its questions are much different from what we have called "METHAPYSICS". Here the question that its poses is like "IS EVERYTHING I SEE AND EXPERIENCE ARE TRUE? IF WERE NOT THEN WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO FIND IT? IS IT ENOUGH TO GO SCIENCE, PRESENTING IN SCHOOL ,OR IN GOD'S WORD OR IS THERE ANYTHING THAT GOES BEYOND SCIENCE KNOW? And then the next one is the VALUE THEORY that can be separated in to two categories first is ETHICS study of how we should act in a particulal society and event. Some of these are between justice and maroality and how should we value these to live a better life and to be more human. And the last one is AESTHETICS the study of beauty and art. There's many aestheticians believes that there's always a beauty in everything.

Every types of branch of philsophy has its own method way to solve its own problem. But answering those questions has the same tools and it uses brain beacause philosophy does'nt teach us not only what to think, but to help us how to think. Our brain is the tool box of philosophy that has any materials to equip. that's why philosophy guide us to question everything we have and not to close our mind and settle it. beacause it's only when we challange our self and evaluate every individual views can make who we really are and to know what we are.so let us set aside our assumption discover the world that we inhabit.

[huhwhatyak]

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 20 blogs as if I have that many friends you would like to know better

tagged by @xo-runningman-xo tagging any bored soul with the time and motivation to do this

A - age: 16

B - birth place: singapore

C - current time: 9.52pm

D - drink you last had: lemon tea

E - easiest person to talk to: unice @akashikuroko0411 and hannah @xo-runningman-xo? and probably my brother (as long as it’s not about i7/seiyuu stuff and school work)

F - favourite song: i don’t have one but monster generation is forever my jam

G - grossest memory: i squished a slug after i woke up from a short nap, sitting upright on the floor by the front door of my house? long story don’t ask. i cried when i reached school lmao

H - horror yes or horror no?: no?

I - in love?: izumi iori

J - jealous of people?: very

K - killed someone?: uh last week my youngest sister made me disect her stained stuffed toy to get the fluff inside for sock puppets ://

L - love at first sight or should I walk by again: walk by again and see if you still have the same reaction (nice one hannah)

M - middle name: —- (not saying because it’s technically my surname) 

N - number of siblings: 5!!!!!i’m the eldest lmao

O - one wish: to get more wishes attending a live concert by the i7 seiyuus

P - person you called last: my grandma~

Q - question you’re always asked: do you play sports? (why?? does this potato look like she wants to go outside??)

R - reason to smile: family, friends and idolish7

S - song you sang last: i yelled the lyrics perfection gimmick after seeing that new visual?

T- top 3 fictional characters: izumi iori, mikleo, kirishima eijirou

U - underwear colour: turquoise (this sounds like a question only ymt would ask)

V - vacation: nihon!!

W- when’s your birthday: 13 march

X - x-rays: none iirc

Y - your favourite food: chocolate coated pretzels

Z - zodiac sign: astrological: pisces ; chinese: metal snake

[xntpspacecase]

ENTP and INTJ

I know everyone sees INTP and INTJ as the classic world domination dynamic duo, but let me introduce you to the true dynamic duo...... ENTP and INTJ. It's kind of a hard relationship explain sufficiently, but I'll do my best. ENTP is the wild, insane, mad scientist, that comes up with the half-baked, insane-but-amazing ideas. INTJ is the near perfect balance to that, the one who calms the insanity down a couple notches, keeps things organized, but is still down to destroy the continent. 1. Ideas ENTP loves to come up with ideas and tell them to INTJ, while INTJ disects the ideas flaws and points then out, and loves to improve on these ideas to make them better. Example: ENTP: Ok so what if our eye color changed based on our emotions INTJ: Dude that would be awesome ENTP: It could totally work too, I mean emotions are just chemical reactions so if you could direct those reactions..... INTJ: How? I can't see tubes working out And this can go on for days until they reach a solution or get bored of it. 2. Activity Balance ENTP, of course, is the adventurer, the 'lets go wandering around to see where this path goes. INTJ, is surprisingly enough down for this most of the time, as long as they think it's a reasonable feat. INTJ and ENTP's calculations can be off sometimes though ending in freezing their asses off an hours walk away from home(true story). On the flip side, INTJ keeps ENTP inside researching ideas, Pintresting, watching music videos, somehow without making ENTP bored at all. Also, INTJ is good at prescion and learning cool,skills, which in turn they teach to ENTP(I have an obsession with making flower crowns thanks to my INTJ). 3. Academic Balance School project? You bet your ass this duo is coming out with the coolest ideas yet(which other people overhear and steal sometimes but regardless). Time management can be their biggest problem as they can both be kinda lazy and procastinate a ridiculous amount. In the last week when everything did though, shit is on. ENTP does the research and mostly the academic side while INTJ uses their unlimited presicion and patience to make a beautiful project, that usually get an A, a B if they forgot some of the requirements(ENTP mostly lets be honest ). 4. Sarcasm/Insults that kill Sarcasm is a constant between these 2, but it doesn't offend them. This constant practicing though, gives them the skill to kill. ENTP and INTJ are both great at reading people and with that, they can see into people's fears quite easily. ENTP has the habit of going straight for the kill, destroying your ego and your confidence in one blow. INTJ is more like a snake however, and wraps around you, pissing you off until you are most vunerable, then they go in for the kill, making their insults more devastating(The more emotional you get the weaker you are, basically). 5. Deep conversations like it's nothing Honestly, this is one I had to be told about because I hadn't realized it was all that deep. Of course someone usually butts in and is like " Shit that deep" and INTJ and ENTP just "??????? The possible orgins of our species isn't that deep?" That's all I could think of right now, but I'll probably add more as I think of them.

[kyskingdom]

Harmonize. (First book I ever wrote. age 9)

Its quite here. There is no noise, except Gala snoring next to me. A car pulls into the drive, Gala snaps awake and growls at the noise. The person in the car is Emily, my sister. She "accidently" left her wedding ring here last time she visited. I think she just wanted a reason to come home again. Just a few weeks ago, Emily married Tom, a semi-truck driver who treats her amazing. They go everywhere together, which is why Emily needed an excuse to come home. I hear the front door open, and I hear her shoes on the floor. She knocks on my door. But walks in immediately after. So the knock was pretty pointless. Why is she In my room though? I told her where the ring was when we were on the phone earlier. I tried to make it sound like I wasnt going to be home. Its not like I dont love my sister, I just dont want to talk to her right now. I dont know why. But I don't. She stands in the door way and stares at me, I stare at the floor. "Selina, what is it?" Said Emily making her way to my side. "Nothing." Emily started poking my arm, trying to get my attention. I pretended not to feel Emily, though it was getting very annoying. "What is it? You can tell me." Oh! Wow! Yes! I'm just gonna tell you everything! "I dont know,I guess I just want to be able to support myself." I cringe, that's the best my brain can come up with? Pathetic. "What? You already support yourself." Okay, I'm getting pretty annoyed, just play along! "No I'm mean, completely support myself, like, in my own house..." That part wasnt a lie, I do want my own place. "Well, just, I don't know, just dont rush yourself." I looked up at Emily, I know why she has someone and I dont, she is stunningly pretty. I have always thought she was beautiful, her freckles around her nose, the short wavy auburn hair that hang over her shoulders. Like our mom. I dont look like them. My features are plain. I'm sometimes feel invisible, like my face has been used too many times. "Well," I said "I've gotta get to work." "You know," said Emily ,"you shouldn't be working two jobs at 19." I work one, so I correct her. "I only work one." I try to say this as serious as possible, but its hard to when Mary is such a wonderful woman. "Oh right, 'taking care of Mary isn't a job' right?" Emily said in an awful, what I would guess to be an impression of me. "Well, it isn't." I turned and grabbed my purse from the dresser, as Emily was passing me to leave. I walked out after Emily, who turned for the door, after she said goodbye to mom. My mother is wearing a scowl, one she saved for a very specific person, this cant be good. Or it might be really good! "Mary Rogers called last night, Saphy got her driving license so she'll be taking care of her now." Saphy, that little...I decide not to discuss her right now, I already know my mom hates her as much I do, so I play it off as if I'm talking about someone pleasent. "I thought Saphy was in Florida? Remember, she thought she was too good for Louisiana?" I always thought Louisiana was a great place for everyone to live, turns out, pretty-in-pink barbie dolls hate it here. "She's coming back to town, Her friends and her got in an argument, well a 'life crisis' if you ask her." Mom smiled at the 'life crisis' part, I really dont know why though. Other then to, I dont know, add something interesting to the conversation. Her and Emily talk the same way, while smiling. "Right, I need to get to work." I hugged her and headed for the door. I think about Mary on my way to work, A 98 year old woman who always insisted on me calling her 'aunt'. The first time we met, I  had about 20 cats circling my feet, all meowing, Mary came down the stairs with a little furball kitten in her hand. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen! I smiled, remembering how sweet Mary was, but the smile quickly faded. Unfortunately, everyday I have to pass the road where my dad was killed by a drunk driver, I was around 8, sitting in the back seat, singing along to the radio, when a loud screeching sound rang in my ears, then glass reflected red and blue lights on the dashboard. I pulled into the small parking lot of the restaurant I work at, it was just me and Dolores, the cook, and like 5 people that wanted a coffee refill for the road. I normally just read, but I am fresh out of books, so I need to make a deal, I go around my school and ask people for their books, with the promise that I will do the book report, but its summer, and nobody has book reports in the summer. I was brought out of my day-dream feeling my phone buzz, my mom. "hey are you busy?" Nope, just busy with my book-dealer thoughts! "Its never busy here mom." I thinks thats less of a crazy answer, right? "Right, well, Someone just called, He needs a new caretaker." He? I specificaly put on my resume 'Woman Only!' But the resume only exists in my head, and as far as I know, people cant see into my brain place, not that theyd want to, my train of thought often crashes into the Great Wall of Stupid, and repairs take a while. "Do I know him?" That was a stupid question! No, of course you dont know, you have conversations in your head like this one to avoid talking to real people! "I don't think so,his name is Brian Elderson,He just dropped outta college." College?? How old is this guy? I should make friends with him, enough money to drop out of college! "College?How old is he?" "I'd guess about 18-20." Woah, what? Why? And how? "Okay, what is wrong with him?" That sounded insensitive, but mom knows what I mean, I hope. "He was paralyzed in a car crash, I dont think hes gonna be as easy, he was one of those hard-headed and strong-going kids, and now he thinks he useless." Hmm...did she Google him or something? "How do you know all this?" "Hes one of my co-workers son." Mom dosent care for her co-workers, but I've never heard the name 'Elderson' Before. "I've never heard you talk about anyone named Elderson." "I didn't even know he existed, but he over heard Elly and I talking about you and Mary." Elly was Mary's younger sister, though they didn't talk much, Elly was still acting like she was 20, Elly and Mary still cared about each others well being. A woman just walked in the door, and headed to the back corner table. "alright I've gotta go, an alien just walked in." Mom must have understood, because she hung up, or she was afraid it wasn't me talking and someone possessed me, either way I would be happy with. I went to take the woman's order, but before I could speak, the woman said "eggs and toast." I honestly dont know what I expect. We have menus glued under the glass tables. Do people know we serve other things then eggs? I relayed it to Dolores, who was dancing in the kitchen, but stopped immediately when she saw me. "Who is it?" Asked Dolores "Dunno, but she looks rich and official." " 'Rich and official' only you could come up with that." I rolled my eyes and went back to my barstool, and stare at the counter, it has a very interesting design, but not really. Rich and official. Those were the first words that came to my mind when I looked at her, She had blazing red hair and a black jumpsuit, she reminded me of a certain book charecter. I grab the plate of food Dolores slid on the counter in front of me, interupting my disecting of the counter design, and went back to the table and offered it to the woman. I handed it to the woman and went back to the barstool, the counter isnt as interesting anymore, but I continue to stare anyway. Me and Dolores spent the next half hour peeping around the corner at the woman like cannibals, but, she never came back, and we were back to the same few customers. This place is going to go bank-rupt soon, and there is nothing I can do about it, the helpless feeling is the worst, like theres a hole in my chest that little helpless bugs lay eggs. "Well, That kinda sucks." said Dolores "Yeah, What can we do about it though?" I say like wasn't just invisioning little mosquito like bugs laying eggs inside my heart. "What we need is a fundraiser." said Dolores. "Fundraiser? Like anyones gonna buy from our bakestand when they have way better food." I said pointing down the road at our rival restaurant rival. "Who said I was talking about a bakestand?" Oh, my brain just automatically guessed a bakestand since that's what most normal people do, my mistake. "Well what were you thinking?" "Dunno, Any ideas?" Well, then I guess we're going with the cookies and a wood stand! "No, not really." I say. "Do you know anyone who might be able to lend us some money even for a paint job?" Hmm...let me think, like anyone can afford paint around here, living in a poor town! Just peachy! "Everyone I know can't even afford their own paint." "That's what happens in a poor town, right?" Oh crap! She can read minds! Take cover! All my psycho thoughts hide under the tables! "Yeah." The door opens and coffee refills walk in the door, not literally, but that's all they ordered.                               “”“ "Well, I'm checkin' out for the day." said Dolores, she says it as if I dont know that she always leaves at the same time every day. "Yep, I'll just clean up and I'm leaving too." So I headed over to the one table that woman sat at and wiped it off, there really isnt anything else to do, so I head to my car. When I walked in the door, Gala greeted me by licking my face, she was tall enough when she stood on her back feet, as I am freakishly short for someone my age. Mom came out of her bedroom, carying her purse and her phone in the other, she looked disoriented about something. "Feeling alright mom?" Mom let out a sigh, this cant be good, she uselly only wears that face when somethings wrong, or she had a bad day at work, but thats pretty much the same thing. "Mary" She says. Mary what? Is she okay? "Is she okay?" "Kind of, she had a heart attack last night, the hospital just released her this morning to a nursing home." "They probably should have released her yet, right?" "No, they shouldn't have, but they dont think she has too much longer to live" Her voice wobbles at the end of her sentence, Even though Mary was old, she was still very close my mom and I, so losing her would be purely awful. "We're going to see her, right?" I dont know why I said that, we are obviously going to see her. "You think I'm gonna leave her by herself?" I feel worse with my mothers reply, it was rather harsh, so I know she is worried. "Your right,that was a stupid question" I followed her quietly to her car. She turned the key, it cranked and cranked, but didnt start. "We'll take my car." I say after mom gave up, the battery has been needing jumped every day for a while, and company's wont lower the flipping price of car batterys! It was a quiet and awkward ride, the home was about an hour away, sometimes its nice to just get in tje car and ride, with no plan as to where you re going, or what your even doing. But this is not a relaxing ride, Mary is laying in a hospital bed, probably not feeling too good, and she likes to talk to anyone and everyone, but shes probably by herself right now. Sometimes we can pull a radio signal, so I try, but I regret it. 'Deeper than The Holler' came on, it was mom and Dads song when they were in high school. Tears were swelling up in moms eyes, tears like a blade piercing my heart, slow and painful. I turned it off, I miss him too much, and its not safe to drive for my mom to drive with blurry vision. I clear my throat. "I'm sorry." Tears roll down my face as I choke on the words. "Sometimes," mom says "we need to let go, and get over the past, to be able to live in the present." She reached forward and turned the radio back up. I can't believe she just did that. The song that brought back so many memories, them dancing in the living room every time time it came on, their wedding song. She turned it back on. After my heart was drained of anything happy, she had the strength to turn it back on. She knew him better then I did. She went on trucking trips with him, he was a trucker. After Emily was born, Mom ha to stay home, every once in a while she would go with him. After I was born, she went with him even fewer places. Then Dylyla came along, Mom couldnt go at all. Dylyla doesnt even live with us anymore, she lives with Grandma. It really makes me mad when I think of it, mom wanted her to get her grades up, or she was going to make her take a break from cheerleading. Dylyla hated mom after that, but Grandma didnt help at all, she said Dylyla could live with her and not worry about education.                                “”“ One of the home workers led us to Mary's room. I followed mom and Alice, the worker, down a brown hallway, it smells like a Bingo room, anything that smelled nice before, was now overpowered by cheap perfume. Alice left us at the doorway, Mom headed in first. "How are you?" Mom asked, I just hovered around the end of the bed, like a bee unsure of itself, that is what I am, always unsure, of everything. Thats the thing about life, you may think its certain, but I've learned that it never is, its always changing, just like the tide, the whales are so sure they won't be beached, yet they still are. I realize mom and Mary are deep in conversation, I dont really hear it though. Finally, Mary looks away from Mom. "Well don't act like a stranger! Get over here!" I smile, makeing my way to hug her, she is always so happy. "Oh I missed you! That girl does nothing but chatter on her darn ol'phone!" I feel bad, I didn't realize that it had been so long since Saphy has been taking care of her, well, only two days, but still. I used to think your heart couldn't actually feel anything, it was just you telling yourself it could, but I was wrong. I walk over to chair in the corner of the room and sit down. I am not, will not, cry, not here, not for Mary to see. I feel the pain, the pain people talk about. The heartbreak. I didnt think it was possible, but it is. I dont want it to be, but it is, and there's nothing I can do. The door to the room is still open, I decide to close it, but as I do, I see a little girl, 10 maybe. She is crying. I can only imagine what for, but it can't be good. As quiet as I can, I make my way back to the chair, trying not to interupt the conversation they are back into. I can't feel anything. If I let any feelings in, they will all crumble. I straighten in my chair, put on a face, and push every feeling out, every last one. It worked, I have been trying it a lot lately, and it works now.                                ”“”“” I woke up at 4:00 the next morning. I dont need to be at work for another hour, but I decided to go in early. I dont think I can talk to Mom right now, she'll just try to comfort me, and words arent what I need right now, words are powerful, but not as powerful as a hug, or a day in the rain with a good book. I got out of bed and looked in the mirror, my cheeks are still blotchy from last night, I layed in bed and cried myself to sleep. It is very obvious now. I throw on some makeup, just concealer to cover up the redness. Very quietly let Gala outside, I dont want to wake mom, she has the day off. Once Gala is back in, I lead her back to moms room and close the door.                                  ”“”“ As I pull around the corner to the restaurant parking lot, I notice how bland it looks. It kind of hides. It definitely needs an update. I make a quick turn to the dollar store, I know they have like tablecloths and stuff, but I dont know what to do for the outside.                                ”“”“ There are now tablecloths for all the tables, curtains hanging on the outside of the windows, it actually looks really nice. I also bouhht one of those door frame floral tapestry things. Dolores pulls in as I put on some coffee. "Well, well, Somebody's been doing some shopping!" Said Dolores as she came in the door. "Do you like it?" I ask "Yes! It looks so much better, I thought the place had been demolished and rebuilt!" "It doesnt look that different." In fact, it hardly looks different at all. But it is more noticeable, which is what I was going for. Noticeable, but not in your face, like the place down the road. Dolores went back out to her car, she fumbled around for a long time, then re-entered with a bundle of wires and metal. "Its a radio." she announced like it was gold. "Where did you get that?" "I uh, acquired it." I smile. "You didnt steal it, did you?" I ask raising my eyebrows. "No! Well, maybe, my Ex's truck quit running so I ripped this thing out before we broke up." "And you kept it?" I ask. "Of course I kept it! I also kept his 50 inch TV he just had to have!" She scowls, I knew she hated him, but not that much. She looks at me and lifts a finger to point at me. "Dont you dare say 'I told you so'!" "Well, if you had listened-" I smile and bite my lip at her face, like A warning from an angry toddler. I'm trying so hard to hold in a laugh that I almost choke. "Stop! Its not funny!" Dolores exclaims. "You're right, its not funny. Not one bit." Then we both laugh. After a while, it turns into us doubled over with our mouths open like sick walruses. There no audible laughs. I can only imagine what we look like right now. Crap. Someone just came in the door, Dolores walks to the stove, hiding behind the wall, but I can still hear her laughing. I take a deep breath and walk over to the guys table. "What so funny?" He asks with a smile. "Actually," I say "I dont even know!" "One of those things, eh?" He says. "Yes. What would you like today?" "Eggs and coffee." He says. I walk to the coffee pot and pour a cup. When I go back to the table, he asks if I know his sister. "Whos your sister?" I ask, I already know I don't know her, but I dont what him to think I can read minds or do crazy crap like that. "Jane Brown" he says with a kind of longing in his eyes. "No, I don't think so." I know so, but he doesn't look too happy right now, nor does he look like he had a good relationship with her, since he hasnt looked up from his coffee. "Nah, I didn't figure, ain't nobody seen 'er." His eyes actually have tears in them. Should I sit down and comfort him? She I leave him to his feelings? I decide to pull out a chair and sit down, I still dont know if its a good call. "What does she look like?" I ask. "Hang on." he says as he fumbles in his pocket for his phone. He shows me a picture of a girl with short blonde hair and bright blue eyes. "We weren't very close when we were kids, but just as we worked out our issues, she was gone." he says, his eyes not really focused on anything. "And did she she say where she was going?" "Oh, I know where she went, but she aint in good shape." I feel like I shouldnt ask any more, so I dont but soon he is deep in his story of his sister, how she got in an unhealthy relationship, and the guy "poisened her brain" And that she wouldnt be coming back anytime soon. And that he was hoping she would come back home soon. As he talks, I notice green flecks in his blue eyes. I look away from his eyes as I realize that I shouldnt be looking at a stranger that way. But he does look to be around my age. Stop thinking like that! I tell myself, but I dont listen. After he was finished talking, I say "You know, my little sister is like that, expects to have the world handed to her. She lives with my grandma now" He looks at me and smiles, a smile he has probably practiced in the mirror. "Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?" He asks, still smiling. Heat rushes through my cheeks. I tuck my hair behimd my ear, hoping he doesnt notice how red my cheeks are. "No, why?" I shift in my chair. Yes, sitting down was the right choice. He laughs, a small laugh, but it sends a chill through my stomach. "I think you know why." He says. Now, the chill turns into a sickening feeling. I'm being called pretty by a stranger. Kind of creepy, ain't it? Dolores hollers around the corner. "Eggs and coffee on the love boat." I look back at him as I walk to get the plate, surprised to see him looking at me. "Thanks for that." I hiss at Dolores, who looks very pleased with herself. As I set the plate at his table, he looks at me, I'm not sure what to do, and I'm getting a little uncomfortable, I've never had an experience like this before. "I'm John, by the way." "Selina." I say and walk back to the kitchen and hide behind the wall. Dolores is plugging in the radio. I walk up behind her. "Dont you dare turn that on!" She looks up and smiles. "Why not?" She asks innocently. "Because the only station we can pull in is a love song station, and I know what you'll do!" "Okay, you dont have to lecture me!" "Okay, just...don't do anything." I walk over to a cormer amd lean up against the wall, I close my eyes.                               ”“”“” When I hear the bell above the door ring, I walk to clean up the table. I find a napkin with a phone number on it. I look behind me to make sure Dolores isnt watching, and shove the napkin in my pocket. I try to fight my smile, but I can't, so I just bite my lip to try to conceal it. I carry the plate and bill back and set them on the counter. I'll deal with it later. "Did he leave his number on the bill?" Dolores asks. "No," it isn't a lie, because it wasnt on tje bill. "And never will, so will you just knock it off?" "Ha! Not a chance." She answers. "Besides," she says "you could use some pointers." "Pointers? From the girl that just stole her Ex's radio?" "Hey! After 5 years of dealing with his crap, I think I have a right to a radio that was going in the dump anyway." I roll my eyes at her. I really wish I had a book that I could hide behind right now. Sadly, I still dont have any deals. Dolores is pulling out a small bag from her other huge bag. "How many bags do you have in one bag?" I ask. "7." She answers like its not obscure to carry around more than one huge bag. "What is that one for?" I ask. She pulled out a glittery purple one and set it on the counter. "If you want to make a good impression," She says. "For who?" I interrupt, I know who, and what, she means, but I'm never gonna even see him again anyway. "You know. The one you were just swooning over." "No," I say "I'm am not participating in your little plan here. Besides, you know how many girls he probably leaves his number to? Too many for me to care." She scans me like a lie-detector. But I'm not lying, I dont really want to be seeing someone who goes into random resteraunts and talks about his personal life to some waitress. I feel like I'm lying. But I'm not. Am I? No. Really though, who goes and tells a stranger about their psycho sister? Probably someone who will tell anyone anything, even if its none of their business. "Fine," Dolores says. "If you dont want a little romamce in your life, that's your choice." She says as she puts all her bags back in her bag. "That wasnt romance," I say, "That was a guy complaining about his sister. What's 'Romantic' about that?" She shrugs her shoulders. "I dont know, maybe because he chose you to talk to." "He didnt 'choose' me! Besides, if you would have went over there, he would have talked to you." "Okay then! Tomorrow, when he comes back, I will go wait on him, see what he says then." "You just do that," I say, sitting down on the barstool. "And good luck, because he wont be back." "Right." Dolores mumbles. But, I dont know what shes planning, because he aint gonna be back. Chapter 2 I get back in my car, and let out a sigh. I had a meeting with the Eldersons, I guess they wanted to see how I was, no one has ever wanted a visit before. Its refreshing to finally smell fresh air. The air in the house was full of air fresheners, I would almost bet that it smelled better without all the fragrances. They were pretty nice, I guess. Emma, Brians mom, asked me things like what I have in mind for my future amd small-talk like that. But nothing really related to care-giver work. Maybe she was just testing me. She is leaving her son with me, after all.                                  “”“” When I get home, Mom is popping popcorn on the microwave. Gala is at her feet begging. "Gala! You user puppy!" I say as I bend down to pet her. "I figured we could use a movie night" Mom says as she piches the popcorn bag and puts it all in one big bowl. "We havent done that since Dylyla left." "No, we haven't, and since its just you and me, you can pick the movie." "You say that like you dont know what I will pick." My mom knows I have two favorite movies. That is one thing I told her. "Hm. Half-Blood Prince, or Divergent?" She asks. That is a hard choice, its been a while for both. "Which would you rather watch?" I ask "I cant make up my mind." She smiles, I already know what shes going to pick. "Harry Potter, Baby!" She says.                                 ““”“ I wake up tired. We ended up watching all 8 Harry Potter movies, and all 3 Divergent Movies. We probably should have gone to bed earlier, but, we you are handed movies like that, theres no telling how long you'll be awake. We probably should have waited for the weekend. We both have to work today, and Emma wants to meet "Privatly without the family." I don't know what that's about, but I imagine since Colin, her youngest son, was being pretty distracting, she wants a more focused setting. We are meeting at a park at 3:00, but I dont get off until 4:00, so I'll have to talk to Dolores. She'll probably cover for me, not that it matters, no one is ever there. I slept through my alarm, so I hurry and dress, then run through the house like a ninja finding food.                                 ”“” When I get there, Dolores is already there. Normally, I'm here way before she is. "Is everything alright?" She asks when I come in the door. "Yeah, Mom and I stayed up until 3:00 in the morning." I say as I tie on my apron. "Why in the world would you do that?" She asks. "Oh, you know, Harry Potter." I answer, smiling. "Ah, I see. I just wanted to make sure everything was alright. Did you get a call last night?" She asks. I look at her questoningly. "What do you mean?" I ask. I feel clueless, like I should known what shes talking about. "Wow, you really must have missed a lot of sleep." She says. "I'm sorry, I'm not following you." I say. "Obviously! I'm talking about flirty-pants." I roll my eyes at her. She needs to drop it. "Will you please stop! This isnt some Insta-romance story. So knock it off, I already told you, hes probably some creeper. I'm not even looking for a relationship." I say to clear things up. I guess she took the hint because she just shook her head, but didnt say anything. I stay on the barstool for a while, but after a little bit, these seats get really uncomfortable. I go over to a booth and lay down. Before I know it I'm asleep, not remembering my last thought. I'm awoken by music blaring from the kitchen. Dolores must have gotten the radio working. I sit up, involuntarily groaning. I walk over to the kitchen, rubbing sleep from my eyes, and turn off the radio. Dolores comes out of the bathroom. "Why did you shut it off? And why do you look like a zombie?" She asks, but all I can do is glare at here. My mouth wont form words right now. I go back to the booth, but don't lay down, instead I stare out the window, wondering if penguins have knees. Soon, cars and people and bikes going by are just blures of color. I dont even her Dolores when she walks over. I dont notice until she blocks my view. "Here." She throws my phone into my lap. I pick it up, there a million texts from my mom, and a few missed calls. 'are you ok?' 'why arent you answering?' 'seriously, reply!' I keep scrolling, more of the same. Her texts look panicky, I immediately think the worst. Then I see the first text. 'hey sweety, she passed away, I'm sorry.' I can't see anything. My vision is blurry with tears. I feel Dolores' hand on my arm. An attempt at comfort, but we both know shes not good at it. I stare at my hands, this time, I'm going to let my tears come. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone, and I was not there for her. I wasnt there. And now shes gone. Gone. The word repeats in my head, as if on a broken record. It won't leave. It wont stop. And neither will the tears. Maybe she is in a better place. Maybe shes up there with her Mom, her Dad, her brother. I lean forward and put my head in my hands. I feel Dolores rubbing my back. She met her. Once. I feel like a wimp. Sitting here, crying. Its not who I am. But then again, who am I? I don't know. Not anymore. We should have visited her last night. Instead of watching movies. We should have. I cant think straight right now. What did I do after Dad died? I don't know. I dont remember. Not now. But I went through it once before I look at Dolores. She has a small tear in her eyes. More from sympathy, it looks like. "You can go home." She says before I can even ask. I lean over and side hug her. Sniff, and shove my phone in my pocket. I take off my apron and hang it on the hook. I walk out to my car. Crank the engine, and pull out. I feel numb. Too numb. I feel like I should be feeling something. Other than a blade in my chest. That's it. That's all I can feel.                                ““”“ When I get home, Gala is ready to lick my tears away. I sit down on the floor, and Gala and I stare into each others eyes, for a long time. Sometimes, I think animals understand things better then humans. Animals will put aside everything they have wrong. Humans are wrapped up in their own problems, that they wont put aside. Animals are truly a blessing. I feel bad for the unfortunate souls that dont like animals. The wall phone rings. I get up and check my voice to make sure it will work. "Hello?" "Hello, this is Emma, are we still meeting?" "Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I forgot, I'll be on my way! I'm so sorry." "Don't worry about it, I heard what happened." "Y-you did? From who?" I try to sound curious, not demanding. I dont know if it worked. "Oh, your mother told me this morning." "Oh, ok, I'm on my way." I hang up and run to the mirror. Blotches. Of course. I put on more makeup. Grab my purse. I'm out the door before I realize. Emma is already sitting on a park bench, holding a book, as gentle as if it could crumble in her finger tips. She looks beautiful with her hair blowing around. Her son definatly looks more like her than his dad. I step out of the car, Emma hears the car door shut, she carefully sets the book on top of her purse, when I get closer, I realize its a journal. "Hello!" She starts walking towards me, I'm walking toward her, I'm feeling very awkward, should I stop walking? I'm taken by surprise when she hugs me, as if we are long lost friends. Lost. The word rings in my head and I think of Mary. No. I wont think of her right now. Too late. My eyes are watery. "I'm so sorry to hear what happened." Emma says with a sorrowful look on her face. She's a nice woman. I've met her once, briefly. And she is already pitiful for me. I don't think that is normal. But maybe Ive never met a truly nice person before. Maybe I have. I dont remember them if I have, but I remember all the rude people who will shove me out of the way at the grocery store. Or flip me off in traffic. Or the man who killed my father. I will always remember his face. Permanently etched in my brain. People can't forget something when it affected them so badly. Thats not how the mind works, unfortunately. It would be wonderful if I could just tell myself to forget something. I would be much happier. Or would I? Maybe. Maybe not. "Well, at least shes in a better place now." I say. My eyes flick up to the sky. I hope thats where she is. I look down and stare at my shoes. Emma goes and sits on the bench. She moves her purse and beckons for me to sit. I walk over. Awkwardly. The bench is short, so we're only about a half an inch apart. I bring my shoulders forward to keep from brushing her. I dont know why though. I just feel uncomfortable. "I would like to ask you something." Emma says, "I hope these questions arent too annoying for you, I'm just a curious person." I look up at her and shake my head. "No, youre fine, I understand, I mean, you are leaving your son with me." I flash a quick smile at her. "Ok then!" She says. "Why did you choose to become a care giver at such a young age?" She lowers her voice towards the end of her sentence. I decide to give her the truth. Though I've never actually told anyone. They ask. But I just tell them I like helping people. "I watched both my Dad and my Grandpa die. It was hard. But I figured I could lie and wollow in my self pity, or I could help other people going through the same thing they did." I shrug. I want it to sound casual. But how casual is talking about your dead relatives to a stranger? She rubs my arm, like I'm her daughter, or younger sister. She seems like she could put aside her problems, or maybe she already has. I dont know. I dont know a lot these days. I dont know her, but shes nice. I dont know Brian, but he looks like her. I dont know Colin, but he's a good kid. I dont know my little sister, but I miss her. I dont know. I dont know. It rings over and over and over in my head. I want all of this to stop. I want everything to go black so I can curl up and forget everything. I want it to stop. How? How can it stop, when its real? "I know how youre feeling." Emma says. How? How could anyone know what I'm thinking, when we're all so different? Maybe we aren't different at all. Beating heart. Breathing lungs. Blinking eyes. Its all the same. Or is it? I'm questioning everything I know. Why? Because I'm not sure anyone knows for sure. Maybe they do. Right now, I vow to never think anything is certain. Even if I want to. "You do?" I ask. I'm still staring at the grass. I didnt even realize. But I dont look at something else. Maybe I'm being rude. "Yes. I went through the same thing when I lost my baby. I wanted to give up on everything. And everyone. I just wanted to curl up in a ditch and think of nothing. But I finally realized that there is so much around me. Everything is so much more then meets the eye." She looks around at the trees, the cars, and the children playing. Then I realize, the trees look like theyre swaying in the wind. But they're producing oxygen, they're housing insects amd lives smaller then we can see. The cars look like theyre driving themselves. There is someone inside, giving instructions to an engine that moves everything else. The children look like they're just sliding down slides. But theyre pretending to be superheroes, gliding through the sky like birds. How could I be so narrow-minded? There is too much worth remembering to just give up. I was focusing on the negative. When there is way more positive I could have been thinking of. "Yeah, sometimes I forget that." I say. "Not just you, I think everyone forgets it occasionally. Nothing to worry about, just something to be aware of." She reaches down and puts the journal back onto her purse, which just slid off. "Can I ask you something?" I ask. "You just did, didnt you?" She says smiling. I smile back. Like I'm with an old best friend. I feel comfortable enough to go ahead and ask. "Whos journal is that?" I ask pointing at the old book. The thread is fraying at the spine. It still smells like leather. Like its been in a box for years. "Its my moms. I found it a few years after she died. But I just now got the guts to read it. Im glad I did. I'm learning alot from my 14 year old mom." She looks at me quizingly. I feel like she is going to ask me something I wont know how to answer. "How is your relationship with your mom?" I knew it. I frickin foretold that! "Well, I mean. Its good, I guess." I feel like an idiot. I love my mom. But is that enough? I dont know. When I listen to music, they say love is the most powerful thing ever. But is love alone enough? It doesnt seem like it, but then again, what more could you give? I don't know. "I guess it isnt perfect. But I love her. Is love enough?" I ask. She seems wise and honest, I'm quickly comfortable around her. Even more then with Dolores. But Dolores seems always pre-occupied with her own thoughts, Emma isn't. I dont know how she does it. "Well, the feeling of love is enough, but just saying 'I love you' is not enough. You have to show that someone what they mean. You cant just tell them. They have to feel it. It sounds cliche. And probably overused, but its overused because its true. Why would anyone say it over and over if it isnt true? They wouldn't. Or theyre just good at acting." She says. Yes, very wise. But why use the word acting? Instead of lying? "Isnt acting and lying the same thing?" I ask. "No, not necessarily. Lying is making something up, just to see how it works. Acting is believing that something is false, but somewhere in them, they might just believe that its true, or vice-versa, depending on how you look at it." That answer is satisfying enough. But I have one more that is buzzing in the back of my head. "Do you believe that everyone is unique? Or that we are all the same?" I ask. I should be asking these questions to my mom, but I'm not. "Well, what I believe is very complex. Yes, I believe we are all unique. But I also believe we are connected by some invisible line. The same line that allows us to feel someone staring at us from yards away." She says. I wonder what school she went to that teaches this stuff. Or did she learn it on her own. "Where did you learn all this stuff?" I ask, calmly, not demanding, or insistent, just curiously. "That's the thing, I dont know any of this for sure, but its things I've thought about while sitting in silence." She looks at me quizingly again. "Do you listen to music, Selina?" She asks. Again, I'm going to answer honestly, I feel like I'm getting an honest overdose. This is the most honest I've been in years. "Yes, like when its quiet. I dont like to be alone with my own thoughts." I lean forward and pick up the blade of grass that I was staring at previously and start folding and ripping it. "Sometimes, we can learn from our thoughts. Sometimes, its better to be in quiet. Music is great too! But sometimes, say 15 minutes a day, we should be in silence." She says. We are again deep in conversations, about beliefs, wonders, and everything between. For a minute, I forget about my griefs. But grieving is useless. What good does it do anyway? Besides allow you to feel sorry for yourself? It does nothing besides that, at least in my experience with it. It might work for other people, to maybe let go of something. But is that really grief? I dont think so. Maybe it is. Who knows for certain? How many certain things are there really? I make a mental list. God. Family. Hope. Faith. Gravity. Oxygen. ?. Thats all I can think of. Maybe Love? No. Love could be a lie. This is a list of completely certain things. Yes, I love my mom, but thats what family is. So love is not included in this list. Is that a good or a bad thing?                                 ”“” I'm back home. Emma and I talked until sunset. I still don't know what the purpose was in her mind. But I'm glad we met. I feel like a veil has been lifted. One that was blurring my vision of the world. I dont think I should base my thoughts off of what one person says. But, its a start. I should ask what other people think of the world. I make another mental list. Mom. Dolores. Emily. Dylyla. Yes, I will ask Dylyla, I want her back home. I miss her. But I won't grieve. Its useless. Maybe I will. I'll count to 10, let the grieve come in. Then push it out. 1 2 3 Why? 4 How? 5 Why? 6 What is this pain? 7 Is it my fault? 8 Will I really see them again? 9 What if I don't? 10 I let out an internal scream. Then its gone. Its gone! I will do this every time. I feel light. Like a feather. A feather that attached to a bird. A bird that is very intelligent. A bird that is hungry, but full at the same time. That is a very conflicting idea. But it makes sense to me. And that's all that matters, right? As long as I understand what one person means, my life is not wasted. Even if that one person is myself, or Emma, or Mom, or Emily, or even a stranger on the street. Thats what I believe. Is it though? Is that what I really believe? Yes, it is. And I need to stop questioning myself so much. I need to stop a lot of things. But right now, I'm focusing on, well, focusing. I need to really look at the world. Then I will really look at myself. I will fix what I need to fix. But if its fine, why fix it? Why not improve it? Yes, that sounds good. That's what I will keep in the back of my mind. Like a sticky note on the walls of my mind, I will write it big enough to see from anywhere in my mind. I pretend I'm ripping all the other notes on the wall away. The notes that don't matter. "Grief" "Self-pitty" "Why?" I keep ripping. And I rip them all away. There are only a few left. "Famliy" "Hope" "Faith" "Learning" "Realizing" Those are the only good notes I made. I will add more to my mind-walls soon. As soon I learn more, as soon as I get my family back together, as soon as I find hope again, as soon as I find faith, as soon as I realize how amazing this world actually is. Until then, this is all that matters. I crawl into bed. I'm asleep immediately.