#probably at least somewhat ooc at least but i'm not even sure where I'm going with this au it's very bare bones

[lazaruswitch]

Conversation really shouldn't be this difficult, all things considered, like the fact that Damian's brother was apparently only like, an year older than her, and also part Crime Alley kid. In her defense, Damian's brother was fucking weird and off-putting, especially for an alleged 17 year old.

For one, he glowed weirdly at random intervals, and in different colors, like roiling green but also fiery red or bright yellow-white, but only when she was never looking right at him. But she can't talk about it because Damian will flip his shit.

And then there's the swords. Physical and not. Because he had a bunch of fancy swords from the League but could also conjure magical fire swords from nowhere. But she can't talk about it, because Damian will flip his shit.

Freakiest of all might be that Bruce kept being weird about playing nice? Not antagonizing him? Not pushing for information? Which was just, fucking, crazy. THE Batman, trying to respect boundaries or some shit, and for Talia al Ghul's mysterious older secret kid who was definitely hiding something. Literally where did all the bat habits and paranoia go?

But she can't talk about it, because then he got even more weird, and then would basically try to gaslight her, she's pretty sure. She'd think he was like, possessed, except he was his usual self literally any time else. It was only when teenage al Ghul came up or was involved that he got like that.

There was definitely something going on without her knowing, and she was definitely being kept out of the loop. Per usual. Fuckers.

Worst of all - mostly because this was the most inane but it'd been driving her mad since she accidentally stumbled across the guy and kicked off this whole mess - Crime Alley al Ghul walked like he was Yasmeen Ghauri's kid or something. Like sure, the haircut and occasional facial expression or side eye was more remixed Shalom Harlow, but that walk was basically a much more improved version of her attempts to emulate the tigress strut in middle school.

But she can't talk about it because Damian will Really flip his shit. For a not-even-preteen he was way too sensitive and defensive over his absent teenage brother.

All in all, she'd rather not be the one stuck here making nice with - fuck she didn't even know his name - Damian's brother, but she was, and it was very tense, and felt kinda like babysitting, and she's not really sure what he's doing in Gotham at all to begin with, but like. Whatever.

It's not like anyone ever told her anything or recognized her skills, even though she was the one to see the guy when no one else ever caught even a hint of his presence in the city. This situation was hardly new in that light. Fuckers.

Nevertheless, keeping quiet and confused helps no one, so.

Icebreakers. How to break the ice? Maybe if she made nice she could get something out of this guy, seeing as no one else would ever give it to her straight. Fuckers.

"So," Stephanie began awkwardly. Damian's brother glanced at her. "Uh, what's with the Shalom Harlow look?"

He blinked, and she blinked, and then his eyes narrowed and he yanked down the mask that always covered his face.

(Which, hey another stupid thing that made him weird, this guy's face was always covered and no one knew what he looked like, and Bruce just fucking left it alone. But she can't talk about it.)

(On that note, wow, ok, yeah, this guy was definitely 17. The fancy coat and hidden face and shadow lurking bullshit made him seem older but that was a high school face if she's ever seen one. Maybe if she got a fancy coat she'd get taken seriously.)

"Shalom Harlow my fucking ass, what do you mean Shalom Harlow?" he snapped. "I don't look anything like her. Shalom Harlow. Ridiculous."

Damian inflects the same way, mused Stephanie, but aloud she said, "Technically you're more like an off brand imitation Shalom Harlow."

"Why the fuck would you say that -"

[usmsgutterson]

idk if the prompt lists in your pinned still apply to requests or how specific you want prompts/reqs to be but I love the "I hate everyone but you" dynamic, can I request alina x reader where the reader is kind of snarky and cynical but opens up to alina? (kind of also black cat/golden retriever vibes if that makes sense)

Work of Art- Alina Starkov x gn! reader

Hi anon! Thank you so much for sending this in--I love writing for Alina but never get any ideas for fics so this was definitely a treat for me.

For the record, the prompt lists pinned to my profile apply all year round! They don't need to be super specific or anything like that, so you're good!

Fic type- fluff!!

Warnings- mentions of the war, alina is probably ooc

Alina first hears about you during her time in the Spinning Wheel. She hears about you from Mal, who advises that she stay away from you and proclaims the despise he feels for you from day one.

A couple of days pass and Genya reaffirms as much--you're quiet, aloof. She tells Alina about your tendencies towards snarkiness and cynicism, and again says that you might not be worth Alinas time.

She listens to Genya and Mals warnings, but every time you see each other, even in passing, she can't help but notice you.

Sometimes, in that first little while, she feels like she's walking into a museum every time she enters a room with you it. She feels like there are dozens of other people to talk to, dozens upon dozens of other paintings to admire, but you are the only work of art she ever wants to witness.

She takes a shine to walks whenever she doesn't have to do anything--an excuse, she knows, to familiarize herself with the layout and pay Baghra a visit, but still. Walks were good because they gave her time to think, except for when she zoned out and thinking almost went out the window in the monotony of it.

So, that's how she finds herself startled when she realizes that its you she's looking at as she stands on a snowy balcony somewhere outside the dining hall.

She steps toward the railing, notices that you're holding a mug of tea while you lean against it and watch the snow fall.

"Alina?" You asked. "Have I finally been graced with the presence of the honorable sun summoner?"

"You have indeed," she said. "And she's a thirsty sun summoner who might find herself willing to steal a sip of your tea."

"It's gone cold," you said.

Alina shrugged, taking the mug from your hands. "Cold tea is still good."

"I've never been much of a tea person, so I guess you have a point," you offered her a grin, and Alina found herself reflecting on the person you'd been described as by her peers.

To everyone else, you were stoic. You were snarky and cynical and it seemed like you hated everyone you came across.

To Alina, she'd stepped into the museum and was looking at a piece of art that had been defined all wrong by everyone else.

"You fancy coffee better?" She asked. "I'm sure we've got some somewhere--I'll pull a couple of strings."

"You don't need to do that," you said. "Thank you for offering, but you don't. I don't hate the taste of cinnamon tea--it's good with rum, which we seem to have in somewhat of a surplus here."

Alina shrugged. "I'm going to try, at least. With Nikolai, there's no guarantee. Coffee will also help the troops stay awake when the jurda runs out."

You laughed. Genuinely, truly, laughed. Alina felt her heart set itself alight, ready to be carried away from her body at any given moment.

"You really don't need to do that for me," you said. "I can't return the favor and you doing that for me would feel like a debt in need of repayment. I don't like owing people very much."

Alina only shrugged, knowing full well she planned to do it anyway, have Nikolai claim a caffeine dependency and thus remove herself from the equation, remove the obligations you would've felt attached to every sip.

Alina took another sip of your tea, and the two of you settled into silence. It was, however, a contented silence, and one that Alina didn't find herself disdainful for.

-

A few weeks passed. You let Alina in, opening up to her bit by bit, and by the time you were back in the Little Palace, seeing you without Alina at your side or Alina without you at hers was a rare occurrence.

Mal had slowly begun to find you tolerable, but still gave an incredulous huff every time he saw you together, you with a mug of coffee tucked into one hand, the other having been tucked into Alinas the moment she found you in the library and whisked you back to the real world, where meetings and responsibilities and a war in need of fighting awaited you both.

"Night and day," he would say with a laugh. "Night and fucking day. Morning to you both."

"Morning," Alina would say, pressing a kiss to the top of your head as you rested it against her shoulder, still tired from meetings that'd lasted well into the previous night and the lack of sleep they caused.

"Oretsev," you would greet with a nod. He'd nod back at you, and Alina would press another kiss to the top of your head, and then the three of you would proceed to whatever meeting you had to attend.

Genya would offer you a smile and you'd smile in return as you and Alina took your seats at the meeting table.

She'd developed the habit of watching you and Alina when she grew a tad bored in the meetings, keeping her ears open to register the words, but observing how the two of you interacted because the pairing mystified her to what sometimes felt like no end.

You watched Alina like she was the most interesting thing in the room. You looked at her like she was the calm of the storm and you'd been standing in the eyewall for days on end. Genya had doubted it somewhat, and though the love you felt had come up within only a matter of months, it was clear as day to her that it was genuine.

And then Alina would look at you and Genya would feel any of the coldness in her heart melt away.

Alina Starkov looked at you like you were the best thing that could've happened to her.

She looked at you like you were the earth around which she, the moon, revolved, like you were the very reason for the existence of the universe, like losing you would result in her losing herself. Alina Starkov loved you wholly and well and truly, and that was clear as day to anyone with eyes.

Genya noticed it constantly, however, because Alina had become one of her best friends. In the time since their friendship had begun, Genya had seen various looks of love and adoration on Alinas face--the excitement whenever Genya brought by pastries or sweet rolls, the joy she felt when she stepped outside and found herself directly under the glow of the sun.

Genya noticed, however, that the look Alina gave you was all of that combined. It was complete and utter adoration, and while Genya had not known you nearly as long as she'd known Alina, she liked to think that a look of complete and utter adoration, a look of unwaivering loyalty and love and sheer happiness all rolled into one, was easy to spot. In your case, it was.

No matter how cynical you were, you loved Alina Starkov. Even if you felt hatred for everyone else, you loved her.

In Genya Safins books, that made you the best person she'd ever met.

[ravusnightblossom]

what health issues make it so you can't write? i really don't understand that. not trying to sound rude just curious.

ooc;  Well... um... I've had this sitting in my inbox a while (likely since that update where it enabled anons,) mostly because I wasn't sure what the best way to answer this would be. I didn’t want to just delete it, because it actually does somewhat hinder my activity, from time to time. It was a very odd question, to be honest... I don’t even know what sparked it???

First things first, I want to point out that asking someone this question is illegal in the US. It is a direct HIPAA violation of requesting someone to release their medical records. If they wish to discuss it, that's up to them, but you really can’t just ask someone this, blatantly. Fortunately, I don't really give a damn if it's just a casual curiousity, but someone else might.

Anyhow, I’ll slap this all behind a ‘read more’ since it does contain some heavy content.

Multiple Sclerosis: First and foremost, this is the most critical one. While mine is recurring/remissive, some days it still flares up. Sometimes my limbs will literally go numb for hours at a time. Sometimes I'll lose vision in one eye. Or my back will begin spasming. On top of that, there are days where it outright will send me into a full-blown seizure. I actually have a service dog to help monitor those bad days. Thankfully, the seizure days are becoming more and more rare. When my MS is in the 'recurring' stage, they occasionally will put me on flash doses of Chemotherapy to push it back into remission, and Chemo is exhausting.

Degenerative Disc Disease & three bulging discs in my back: There are days when I literally cannot sit upright, otherwise, it hurts so badly. I've had injections, rhizotomies, all sorts of procedures, but little success in alleviating this at all.

Fibromyalgia: This is one I've had my entire life and I'm rather used to balancing and juggling it, but sometimes it definitely gives me that good ol' "Fibro fog" where my head just feels groggy, foggy, and fuzzy, making concentrations very difficult. Sometimes it will also make it feel like my blood is literally boiling beneath my skin, and if I need to explain why that complicates writing, well... yeah.

Myalgic Encephalomyelitis: This one is probably the second-most bothersome on the whole list. The more lax term for this is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Basically, I am always physically and mentally exhausted, no matter how much sleep I get. No matter how many vitamins I intake, how much coffee I drink, sugar I eat, I still am tired. I could fall asleep while sitting in my chair in a matter of moments. Some days my eyelids feel so heavy that it's infuriatingly difficult to even keep them open.

Sjögren’s syndrome: I’ve had this one for years. It’s part of why I had so many dental issues in my life. It also is the root of plenty of fatigue and musculoskeletal pain.

Anxiety & Depression: I'm pretty sure I don't need to elaborate much on this one and all the mental struggles that come along with it, from Imposter Syndrome to self loathing. Those definitely impair someone's ability to write consistently. 

On top of the above myriad of conditions, there’s the plethora of medications I’m on. Most I’m fairly well adapted to, aside from the morphine, three times a day. It makes me a bit groggy, but it at least makes it so I can function and even walk up stairs. 

Honestly, sometimes I feel like a hypochondriac when it comes to explaining all this crap. Like, no, really, it’s legit. It is what it is, though, and I just deal with it! I don’t want sympathy from anyone, but understanding and patience is always appreciated. ♥  

[addictedtostorytelling]

Hello! I have a question, and if you've answered before please feel free to just link me to the answer instead of typing up a whole new thing.

Do you think it was OOC for Grissom to disappear on Sara like that, to do god knows what on the other side of the world? Or does it actually make sense from an in-universe point of view?

After leaving the lab I'm sure he could have found plenty of things to do in Vegas. And given that they've been pining after each other for 10 years, and that Gil is well aware of Sara's abandonment issues, it makes no sense to me that he'd hurt both of them like that. And don't get me started on the whole divorce thing :(

Am I wrong in thinking it was just lazy writing/creating drama just to have a big reunion in the finale?

Btw I love your blog and thank you in advance!!

hey, @stokes-theorem!

thank you for your kind words! i’m so glad you enjoy my blog.

i do have a couple of old metas that are adjacent to this topic:

this one goes over the in-universe reasons why grissom requests a divorce from sara (and why sara acquiesces to his request), despite them never falling out of love with each other.

this one enumerates the reasons why the divorce storyline is bullshit from an out-of-universe writing perspective.

and this one is probably closest to what you’re looking for; it discusses grissom’s characterization in the finale and whether or not his actions represent a regression on his part.  

however, since none of these old posts addresses your question directly, here’s some elaboration:

the short answers to your questions are (somewhat out of order from how you asked them):

no, the divorce doesn’t actually make sense from an in-universe perspective. it was 100% the product of poor writing choices. that said, we can at least somewhat rationalize it from a characterization perspective if we have to (which i guess we have no choice but to do, since it is canon);

if we accept that the divorce is actually a thing that happened (which, again, i guess we have to), then, yes, i think that grissom disappearing on sara actually is in-character for him, given both his basic behavior patterns and his motivations for splitting from sara in the first place. while his choice to all-but-ghost her is ultimately the wrong one, and particularly considering her history of abandonment and fear of rejection, his intentions are in point of fact good. he’s just incredibly misguided, is all;

finally, while i do think the whole divorce storyline in itself is based in lazy writing and a desire to stir up drama for the sake of stirring up drama, i don’t actually think that the writers generated the storyline with any sort of end goal in mind, including an eventual gsr reconciliation. back in s13, they had no idea that the finale/reunion would ever be a thing. they had no contingency plan to get grissom and sara back together after splitting them up. there was no “bigger picture” in mind. they were writing in the dark, and they lucked out that everything turned out okay in the end.

much longer answers after the “keep reading,” if you’re interested.

heads up: this post is highly critical of and very salty about the later seasons of csi. if you enjoy those seasons, you may want to sit this one out.  

_________

the whole divorce storyline is (as you allude to) bullshit.

wait, scratch that.

the whole gsr storyline after their jungle reunion in episode 09x10 “one to go” is bullshit.

to be fair to the writers, when they first came up with the idea to have grissom remain in europe while sara returned to vegas, they thought they were writing a mini-arc that would only last for a handful of episodes.

but to be critical of the writers where criticism is due, the second they realized that jorja fox would be permanently returning to the show, they needed to change tactics—and fast.

the first big mistake that they made was in never addressing sara’s decision to remain in vegas more permanently—not even to add in a throwaway line like, “well, since the research grant grissom and i had applied for got denied, i figure i may as well stick around here.”

something that should have been a topic of discussion in-universe on the show—given the magnitude of the decision itself—was completely glossed over. one minute, sara is in vegas temporarily with the intention to return to her husband sooner rather than later and the next she’s in vegas permanently with no kind of plan in place for when she’ll ever live with her husband again, and no one ever really says anything about the change one way or another.

that’s a big boo-boo. 

however, significant as it is, that mistake pales in comparison to their big mistake to end all big mistakes, which was to not then immediately move grissom back to vegas with sara once they knew that jorja was staying on the show.

i mean, obviously, billy petersen was off of the show at the time and had no real intentions to return, so i’m not saying that they should have moved grissom back to vegas with any sort of expectation that he would have appeared on screen.

rather, what i’m talking about is implied depth—adding in references to him being in vegas in dialogue and incorporating set details that would make him a kind of long-term “absent presence” on the show even if we were never shown his face again, etc.

whereas in s8, sara leaves vegas because the city and desert itself are triggering to her following her ordeal with the miniature killer, when grissom leaves vegas in s9, he doesn’t do so for any kind of geographic reasons; he’s burnt out on his job and lonely for his true love, not running away from sin city for its own sake.

that so, there would be no real reason why he might be averse to returning as long as he had sara by his side.

as you mention, there are all sorts of things they could have had grissom do in vegas that wouldn’t have necessitated him being on-screen and/or at the lab—he could have picked up a teaching position at unlv or wlvu; he could have taken a position at the body farm; he could have written a book; he could have retired and adopted some weird and wonderful grissom hobby; etc. 

(i think @butterflied4life​ once floated the idea of grissom becoming a cowboy and owning some horses, and i’m kind of in love with that image.)

honestly, the possibilities are only limited by one’s imagination.

literally, there are no shortage of things that a renaissance man like grissom could do in las vegas, nevada, none of which would have to involve him working at the same crime lab as his wife.

all that the writers would have had to do would be to pick something and run with it.

at the start of s11, nick could have asked sara how house-hunting was going for her and “the boss man,” and she could have quipped, “you know, he isn’t really your ‘boss man’ anymore,” and then mentioned something about finding mortgages daunting. 

later on, catherine could have quizzed her on how grissom was enjoying retirement, and she could have corrected, frowning, because, god, catherine makes it sound like she’s married to an old man, “he’s not retired. he’s just between projects! he’s got a lecture series at unlv next week on the life cycle of the common blowfly. you should come!” 

a few episodes later, greg could have said something like, “hey! i saw grissom dropping you off tonight. why didn’t he stop inside to say hello?” and sara could have (affectionately) rolled her eyes while explaining that he didn’t want to “be a distraction to the team.”

as the seasons wore on, exchanges such as these ones could have become commonplace, and we also could have occasionally heard sara talking on the phone to someone who was clearly grissom (even without ever hearing his voice on the other end of the line), discussing little domesticities, like who’s going to pick up groceries or his mother coming to visit them for the weekend.

maybe once or twice we could have even seen the inside of their house when the storyline called for it, with pictures of them and props suggesting grissom’s presence, like his glasses on the coffee table or a stack of entomology textbooks on the counter.

of course, i’m sure fans would have clamored for some kind of on-screen grissom appearance, and maybe if they clamored loudly enough, they could have persuaded billy to come back for a guest spot, a la episode 11x13 “the two mrs. grissoms,” but even if not, at least they could have rested assured that grissom and sara were still married and living their happily-ever-after together.

seriously: all it would have taken were a few throwaway lines and cleverly placed set pieces here and there, not even necessarily one in every episode—just one every few episodes! just something every once in a while!—to remind us that sara still had a husband.

but for some reason, the exercise of implying depth was beyond them.

by the time s12, rolled around, it was as if they thought that even so much as invoking grissom’s name would somehow pull focus from ted danson.

of course, by this point, the show was also struggling in other ways, narratively speaking, so perhaps it’s unsurprising that rather than find any creative mechanisms to allow sara to keep her happy ending, they decided to go for the cheap, sweeps-week drama and break up her and grissom’s marriage come mid-s13.

i’ll direct you to the first post linked at the start of this response to explain in detail how grissom and sara’s behavior leading up to and during the divorce can be rationalized from an in-universe perspective if rationalize it we must (and we must).

the tl;dr version is that after years of living halfway across the world from each other, sometimes with as much as a nine hour time difference between them, and sara working nights while grissom (presumably) works days, their daily phone calls and monthly visits start to fall by the wayside. 

because this falling off is a gradual one, neither one of them really realizes what is happening until several weeks or months have gone by and they’ve scarcely spoken to or seen each other at all. 

at this point, their insecurities kick in, and grissom starts to fear that the reason sara isn’t contacting him is because she is so caught up in her new and exciting life in las vegas that she doesn’t need or want him anymore, while sara starts to fear that the reason grissom isn’t contacting her is because he has discovered he is happiest living apart from her and has subsequently fallen out of love with her.

rather than call each other to talk through these fears, both of them wallow in their own doubts and self-loathing. grissom eventually convinces himself that he is holding sara back from fully embracing her new life and being happy. sara eventually convinces herself that grissom losing interest in her has always been inevitable.

while neither one of them has actually fallen out of love with the other, they both convince themselves that the other person has. 

so, not wanting to hold sara back or make her miserable, grissom decides to adhere to the old adage “if you truly love someone, let them go,” feeling that though splitting from sara will utterly break his heart, ultimately, it is the right thing to do, as he values her well-being so much higher than his own happiness. while he understands that due to her stubborn and loyal nature (and perhaps her fear of being alone), she might initially resist the idea of parting ways and be upset at first, he believes that eventually she will come around and realize that she is better off without him. though even considering the possibility is agony for him, he supposes that one day she might end up with someone who can be a better partner to her than he.

he therefore proposes the divorce to sara.

and since sara herself is of the belief that grissom has fallen out of love with her and wants out of their marriage for his own reasons, she feels she has no choice but to acquiesce, particularly as, just as he does with her, she values his well-being so much higher than her own happiness. though she knows she will never be happy without grissom, she hates the idea that she might be confining him to a life he no longer wants. she hopes that in quietly slinking away and never letting on to him just how badly he is hurting her, she is giving him a chance at the freedom he so obviously longs for. 

in the end, each person (erroneously) thinks that they are doing what the other person wants them to. each person (erroneously) thinks that they have set the other person free to pursue a better life elsewhere.

in a strange, weirdly noble, twisted o. henryesque kind of way, the conclusions they draw and the actions they take based on their flawed understanding of each other’s desires make sense.

but only to the extent that we accept the original premise for the whole situation.

rationalize though we may, the bottom line is that, truthfully, the whole notion of the divorce is flawed going back to the original decision to have sara living on a different continent than grissom.  

there’s just no way that these two characters who had canonically been madly in love with each other for fifteen years and who were already well-aware that they had wasted enough time waiting to be together as it were and who had been shown time and time again to be constitutionally incapable of staying away from each other for any significant period of time and who had been so miserable when they were separated (even relatively briefly) during the events of s8 and s9 and who were never happier in their lives than when they were with each other, etc., etc., etc., would willingly decide to live thousands of miles away from each other when they had the choice to do otherwise.

and especially not as newlyweds.

i mean.

that decision does not track.

but then, on top of such narrative tomfuckery, to say that a man who flew 3,343 miles to reunite with his true love in a jungle because he couldn’t bear to live without her would then somehow fail to call said true love—who was now his wife—for several months on end while living very far away from her doesn’t just strain credulity but breaks it.

it makes absolutely no sense.

it’s antithetical to the themes of the entire previous gsr love story.

and yet that’s the canon that the writers wrote.

utterly flawed as it is, that’s the reality we have to work with when trying to understand grissom’s behavior between s13 and the series finale.

so.

with all of this ranting in mind, the question then becomes, if we must accept that the divorce did happen, does grissom’s behavior during and after the divorce make sense?

and, honestly, for as much as i hate the divorce storyline with all the salt that is in me, i have to say that the answer is yes.

not only do grissom’s activities after he leaves sara makes sense as some weird form of self-imposed penance for his failures as her husband—joining a sea shepherd, just like she’d asked him to do with her back in episode 09x02 “the happy place;” naming his boat after the main character of a novel they both love; losing himself and risking his own life and limb to protect the wildlife she cares so deeply for; etc.—but so do his motivations for leaving in themselves.

one reason why he leaves is due to his own pain; for as much as he feels he is doing what’s best for sara, he also knows that he is dooming himself to a life of loneliness and heartbreak. sara is his one true love, and he is incredibly aware that he’ll never be happy again without her. while he wants her to eventually find her bliss in his absence, he can’t hang around and watch her moving on from him—and especially not if “moving on” involves eventually finding herself in the arms of another man.

as he talks about in his monologue from episode 04x12 “butterflied,” the idea of losing his “beautiful life” with her is almost unbearable to him.

that so, once he “sets her free,” he has to impose some distance between them, not just for her sake but for his own.

to quote from this post,

i think grissom knows all along that it is never the right decision for him—just in terms of what he wants for himself—to divorce sara.

i mean, he is still in love with her as he is divorcing her, and he spends the next two and a half years after the divorce quietly punishing himself for his failure to be a good husband to sara, cutting himself off from former friends and his old life in las vegas and embarking on a quest to do something that is important to sara (i.e., work for a sea shepherd organization), almost as an act of atonement.

he knows even as he is pursuing the divorce that he is never going to stop loving sara and regretting the fact that he has lost her; as he says to heather in the finale, he considers that it is now his lot in life to miss sara every day.

another reason why grissom leaves is because doing so is the only way he knows to deal with problems of his own making for which he feels there is no other solution.

grissom making himself scarce when he feels he is to blame for causing someone harm and doesn’t really know what to do for it otherwise is one of his well-established canon traits. 

a primary example of this behavior would be in s4, when, having rejected sara’s offer of the “beautiful life” at the end of s3, grissom feels that it would be in both of their best interests for him to give her space. aware that his hot-and-cold act over the last few years has confused and hurt sara but knowing that he is not yet ready to be in a real relationship with her (and may never be ready, in fact), he decides that his best tack would be to withdraw from her as much as possible. he hopes that in so doing, he will allow her to heal and move on from him though he also secretly dreads that day’s coming.

accordingly, he spends the majority of s4 avoiding sara as much as possible. he limits the cases they work together, keeps their interactions as work-related as possible, and even goes as far as to somewhat inadvertently sabotage her chances at being promoted to the key position over nick.

he convinces himself that since he can’t seem to be around her without unintentionally causing her heartache, the only thing to do is to keep his distance until the issue resolves itself.

that he would do something similar with regards to the divorce very much makes sense, given that the situations are analogous.

just as he does during s4, during s13, grissom feels as if he has unintentionally hurt sara and been cruel to her. in his eyes, his wrongdoing is so severe that there’s no real apologizing or going back from it; he feels he has been a neglectful husband who has trapped sara in a marriage that offers her no room for personal growth or the finer things in life which she deserves. as he sees the situation, he, as an old man with poor social skills, is holding her, his young wife with life’s ambitions, back. in his view, he’s keeping her selfishly to himself when she has interests that lie elsewhere. he believes she’s lonely and isolated, but even if he were to physically return to her, his doing so wouldn’t be enough, as the real issue is not just the miles between them but the fact that he is by nature a solitary, uncommunicative misanthrope, inexperienced in love and life.

he can sense that she is miserable, and his self-loathing tells him that he is the cause.

consequently, he decides to withdraw from her.

of course, as you say, he is certainly aware that sara has hang-ups about abandonment and he likely does consider how his leaving will compound many of the wounds she suffered in childhood. 

however, i think he ultimately misjudges the situation, honestly believing his presence to be more harmful to her than his absence, legitimately convinced that she will be far better off once she’s rid of him.

he really, truly believes he is the worst thing™.

so he leaves in the hopes that for whatever pain sara feels in the short-term, she’ll eventually experience far more joy in the long-term.

yet another reason why he leaves—and not just leaves but for all intents and purposes “goes off the grid,” all but ghosting sara—is because he wants to truly allow her to embrace her new (and better) life.

as i talk about in this post,

grissom never wanted to divorce sara, but he felt like it was a sacrifice that he had to make for her sake: his happiness in exchange for hers. he loves her so much that he was willing to be miserable so that she could potentially find bliss. and he was willing to go all out for it—not just to cede their marriage in order to give her a chance at moving onto something potentially better but also to completely walk away from their old life together, cutting all ties so that she would truly be “free” and have no more tethers to him.

grissom doesn’t seem to have kept in contact with anyone from las vegas following the divorce—not even, apparently, catherine, who lives in l.a. and who had been his friend before she was ever sara’s and theoretically should have been someone grissom “got” in the divorce.

he cut himself off entirely: no contact with his and sara’s mutual friends, no visits to the city, and no popping back in on sara once the deed was done, no matter how much he wanted to see her.

he knew that if it was going to be a real break, it needed to be a clean break.

and, honestly, that’s something he learned from sara herself.

when she left grissom for the first time back in 2007, she did so messily: she wrote him a note in which she told him she’d love him forever but expressed doubt that they would ever see each other again. after that, she was just gone for a while, and grissom didn’t know if they’d ever resume contact. but then she started calling him. and then she did come back, when warrick died, midway through 2008. for four months after that, they played the “will we or won’t we?” game; she stayed in vegas but always seemed to be on the verge of leaving again. grissom didn’t know what was going on or what to expect or what to do.

that’s why when she finally left again in september 2008, it was almost a relief to grissom—because after months of uncertainty, he finally had an answer.

it’s just that, eventually, he determined it was an answer he couldn’t live with, which is why he went after her, come january 2009.

at the time when he was considering divorcing sara, grissom remembered that agony—how it felt to always be hoping that sara would come back to him without ever knowing for certain if she would; feeling too tied to her to move on but too distant from her to know any sort of peace; trapped between love and the possibility that love wouldn’t be enough; spending each day in limbo, praying for something in his heart that his mind told him might never actually happen.

having intermittent contact with sara without fully having her in his life almost killed him.

so he decided he couldn’t do that to her: if he was going to divorce her for the express purpose of giving her a chance at happiness without him, then he needed to do it the right way; he needed to fully vacate her life and cut all ties. he couldn’t say “we’re over” and then keep hanging around. that wouldn’t have been fair to her.

he had to just disappear.

so that’s what he did.

for two and a half years, he went off the grid. once all the paperwork was finalized, he ghosted, no phone calls, no letters, no intermittent visits; he was just gone.

frankly, it almost killed him, not being able to see sara or talk to her at all anymore. she had been his best friend for fifteen years, his closest confidante and the one person in the world he told everything to, his wife, his true love, the person who made him believe that there were worthwhile things in this otherwise terrible world. even in the months leading up to the divorce, when their communication had been shoddy, and they hadn’t been seeing each other as much as he would have liked, he still took comfort in the fact that if he had ever really needed her, she would have been there for him, and he would have had recourse to her. giving up that connection was the single hardest thing he ever did in his life.

but he believed it was the right choice to make because it meant that sara might have the chance to finally be happy. he felt like ever since they started living apart, she’d built up this whole life in vegas that had no room for him in it. she was young and in the prime of her career and still had so much energy. who was he to stop her from living her life to the fullest? if he loved her—and he really did—then he had to give her the chance to experience all of the good things life had to offer her. she was stubborn and loyal, so she would never choose to cut her ties with him, no matter how miserable they were making her. that’s why he had to be the one to do it; it was a gift he could give her that she couldn’t give herself. it was something he felt she needed from him, so that’s why he did it.

he divorced her and then left her to make her new life without him.

he knew she’d been sad for a time, but he hoped she’d eventually heal and move on—that she’d be able to find that thing she’d seemingly always been looking for, that obviously he couldn’t be the one to give her.

that’s what gave him the willpower to stay away, even when he missed her so badly he could hardly think straight: the hope that she could be happy without him, that his sacrifice would be worth it because she was thriving in his absence.

while this line of thinking is selfless and loving on grissom’s part, the conclusions he draws are, unfortunately, based on flawed premises.

not only did sara never fall out of love with him or want the divorce to begin with, but his decision to essentially drop off of the face of the planet where she’s concerned hurts her more than he’ll ever know. 

for as much as he believes he’s giving her the gift of a clean break and a fresh start, all she perceives in his action is rejection, and the pain of losing the one person in her life who has ever consistently been there for her is almost more than she can bear.

his good intentions notwithstanding, he succeeds in nothing but breaking both of their hearts.

so.

all of this discussion is to say that while i find it unbelievable that grissom and sara would ever live apart from each other for four years after they were married, and while i cannot roll my eyes hard enough at the notion that neither one of them would pick up a phone or get on a plane once they really started missing each other, since that’s the canon the writers gave me, within the context of that canon, i can believe that grissom would disappear on sara, even though he should know better than to do so.

it’s a behavior that fits his patterns.

it’s a decision that tracks given his motives.

while ultimately his choice is the wrong one (for both him and sara), it’s within his character to make, given the ridiculous scenario that he’s in.

now, as for the matter of writer intentions, as talked about above, certainly this storyline stems from laziness and a hankering for cheap drama.

but i think we would be giving the writers too much credit to suppose they’d had the finale reunion planned back when they first conceived of the divorce.

at that time, they had no idea if billy petersen would ever come back to the show—and that was part of the problem: they’d placed sara in a long-distance marriage to a man that many of the show’s newer fans had never met and perhaps never would meet, and since they couldn’t figure out how to imply depth when it came to her marriage and his existence, they felt trapped, like she was tied up in a storyline that had no potential to be productive.

when s13 originally aired and they were conducting interviews regarding the divorce, many of the showrunners and writers talked about wanting to explore sara as an individual character, outside of the context of her relationship with grissom.

while of course they never actually followed through on this initiative—jorja’s talents are so utterly wasted during the last several seasons of the show—that’s how they justified breaking up gsr at the time: by saying to themselves (and the fans), “for as long as sara is married to a character we can’t ever show on screen, we’re limited with what we can do with her, so we’re gonna free her up to explore other options with her.”

of course, that line of argument is beyond bogus—there were innumerable storylines they could have written for sara, both that had nothing to do with grissom and which had things to do with him even if he never appeared on screen, and none of them necessarily had to involve her getting divorced!—but they didn’t especially care.

they were trying to build up their ratings, and they figured “dropping a bombshell” would help—which it did, though only for a moment.

the majority of the divorce storyline aired during november and then february sweeps and did well(-ish, by later seasons standards) in the nielsens. however, in the immediate aftermath of episode 13x15 “forget me not,” millions of viewers dropped off overnight.

the show had already been hemorrhaging its audience since billy’s departure four seasons earlier, but the divorce prompted many of the fans who had remained even after he left to rage-quit csi en masse.  

for those who were in the fandom at the time, it really was something to behold. there were so many pissed off people. twitter and the message boards roared up in a flurry of angry activity and then suddenly went silent.

how the writers failed to anticipate the backlash, i do not know.

but, boy howdy!, once they realized how angry people were, they backpedaled like hell, to the point where showrunner don mcgill even went as far as to (rather nonsensically) state in an interview that grissom and sara weren’t actually divorced or “even separated”—a statement which was, of course, later proven false during the events of the finale—in order to soothe the flames.

they regretted what they’d done almost as soon as they’d done it.

it’s just that, by then, there was no real way to undo the damage.

the only way to fix gsr would be to show grissom and sara reconciling in a meaningful way on screen—and such a reconciliation could only take place if they could snag billy petersen for a guest spot.

stuck in no man’s land for lack of grissom, tptb decided that the best thing to do would be to leave the whole storyline alone—to not put sara into any new relationships or show her moving on from grissom in any way; in fact, to not even have her (or anyone else) even talk about grissom or mention the divorce; to erase it from public memory as much as possible.

all the while, they sat back hoping that maybe they could get billy back eventually.

and come the finale, they finally did.

at that point, anthony zuiker took to twitter to solicit input from the fans on what they wanted to see, and the answer was (overwhelmingly) a gsr reconciliation. he therefore made the finale into what was essentially a two-hour, made-for-tv gsr movie to the neglect of all of the other characters and dynamics on the show.

while everything ultimately worked out in the end, there was never some grand plan on the parts of the writers. they had certainly intended to stir up drama in originally writing the divorce, but they had no sense of what they were writing toward—and no guarantees that they would ever be able to fix what they had broken until that very last minute when billy agreed to come back.

anyway, the whole divorce storyline was a shitshow all the way around.

while both grissom and sara’s behavior makes sense for what it is within the parameters of the given scenario, those parameters and that scenario make little sense in themselves.

there were so many other, better routes the writers could have taken at every turn, and why they chose that particular one, i’ll never understand—or at least never excuse.

sorry for all the salt here.

thanks for the question! feel welcome to send another any time.

[10k-moreliketheloml]

10k x Reader || Sanctuary ||

~ hope this is cute! it's also on my Ao3 account! ~

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1,118

Everything was going well for once. We had been driving for a while and there had been no Z's anywhere, allowing for me to relax against 10k and take in the beautiful day. I sighed in content and closed my eyes, feeling 10 put his chin on my head and squeeze me tighter to him.

"It's so peaceful today." He murmured and I hummed in agreement.

"I wish it was always like this." I replied.

"Me too. But maybe with Murphy, that's a possibility." I smiled and turned to kiss his neck lightly before going back to my previous position, only this time sliding one of my hands into his.

"I hope so. If I survive this whole thing, I'll take more time to appreciate moments like this, where everything is just calm."

"You will survive. I promise." The way he said it made my heart flutter and I turned once more, this time staying facing him as I cupped his face in my hands.

"We both will. And then we can settle down somewhere quiet with a lot of open space, and have a family and a nice home. And we'll be together forever." I grinned and he pulled me in for a kiss, nodding to what I said.

"Exactly. That's why I'm gonna protect you. You don't have to worry about any zombies okay? I promise, I'll keep you safe." My heart fluttered again and I nuzzled my nose against his before brushing my lips with his and sitting in between his legs, my upper body laying on his as I became drowsy.

"Thank you, I'll hold you to that." I giggled and he kissed my head.

"Good. Now sleep a bit, the sun's going down anyways, you might as well get some rest." And without any other words, I fell asleep.

°•°•°

10k's POV

I smiled down at [name] as she snored softly against my chest. I meant it when I told her she didn't need to worry about zombies, from the moment I said it I knew I wouldn't make her fight them anymore. As long as I had a say, I knew I'd take on every zombie at once to keep her safe and give her her happy ending.

"I love you." I told her even though I knew she couldn't hear me. We drove for what must've been a few more hours, before pulling off the road to a small shack. Warren rolled the window down and stuck her head out.

"She asleep?" She asked and I nodded. "You stay out here with her, pick off any Z's that show up if they do, while we check the house. We'll come get you when it's safe and you can bring her to an actual bed."

"Okay." I replied simply and with that everyone headed into the run-down shelter while I gently moved [name] off of me so I could take up my position to watch for Z's.

In a few minutes I had taken down three, and it looked clear enough. I checked to make sure [name] was still sleeping, pressing a kiss to her forehead before straightening again just in time to see the group exiting the house looking pleased.

"There's canned food, bottled water, and even a working shower! The water's cold but it's still a score." Addy cheered and I grinned. "The person who lived here probably got overrun and had to leave, there weren't any Z's inside."

"I got 3 out here, but it looks clear now." I informed, crouching to get [name] awake enough to get out of the truck. "Mmm, 10k?" She breathed, and I wrapped her arms around my shoulders, sliding out of the truck and lifter her out after, her legs wrapping around my hips and my hands going to her thighs to support her. She was so light, and even though I knew it was inevitable I frowned.

"There's a nice room upstairs, the bed is big enough for at least three people. Put her up there." Warren smiled at me sweetly, like a mother, and I nodded.

"Thank you." I mumbled before entering the house. It really was nice, I had to admit. There were a few things that needed work and there was dust everywhere, but it was comfortable.

I layed [name] down and searched a few drawers until I found some pajamas. They looked like they'd be way too big for her, but at least they'd be warm and somewhat clean. I made my way back to her side and sat her up, rousing her a bit more.

"Put your arms up, baby. I'm gonna put these clothes on so you can warm up okay?" It had been getting colder and I wanted her to be safe from the cold.

"You can't." She mumbled and I gave her a confused look.

"What? Why?" She frowned and looked away.

"You'll see my body and you'll want to leave me." The words were so quiet I almost missed them. "Just like all my other friends." I grimaced.

"No no no, that's not true at all. [name], you're beautiful okay? And I'll love you no matter what your body looks like. Can I change you?" She smiled a bit at me and nodded, hugging me before pulling away and letting me get her into the other clothes.

"Thank you, 10k. Really." She said as we were laying in the bed together. Her head was resting on my chest while my arms were around her waist, keeping her against me.

"It's not a big thing, it's just the truth. I really do think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. And I just want to take care of you. Besides, if anything, you're too skinny. I don't like it." I grumbled. She giggled and I smiled down at her.

"It's fine, I'd rather most of the food go to you guys. I don't even do much to help." I gawked.

"Yes you do! You've killed so many Z's, and you keep everyone's spirits up, you're amazing! Also, it worries me that you can't get the food you need. It scares me to think you'll starve and I'll lose you." I took a deep breath and she kissed my chest.

"You won't lose me." She whispered. "I'll always be with you." I made her look at me and kissed her on the lips, a warm feeling in my chest at how calm I felt with her. Like everything would be okay and that I could take on the world.

"I'll hold you to that." I said back and saw her grin before we both fell asleep, totally relaxed and safe in each other's embrace.

---

~ i hope this is good, it's definitely OOC, and a little off topic at some points, but it's cute so i hope that makes up for it! feel free to request! ~

[not-poignant]

never thought that watching Gwyn act so OOC would unnerve me so much tbh. It's just so jarring, and I'm scared shitless to find out what other underlying modifications have been made to his personality

This is so fascinating to me, because I’ll be frank, there have been no modifications to Gwyn’s personality except that he’s not in severe pain anymore and it’s made him more carefree as time is passing and he’s coming to trust in it.

I suppose one person’s OOC is another person’s completely IC! Lol.

To me, this Gwyn is very similar to the one we saw in Into Shadows We Fall, especially the Gwyn who you know,  gets giddy and enthusiastic at the idea of Jack sparring with him. Gwyn isn’t a one-dimensional character. And while he’s definitely dour when he’s in the Court, there are aspects to his personality that we’ve seen when he feels more free to be himself (such as around Mafydd in The Drawn Bead) where he becomes generous, even playful.

Also consider the following factors influencing his disposition:

* He is no longer in a Court environment and his capacity as King doesn’t really matter very much on the sea. He’s somewhat powerless - he can’t go into the sea to sort out politics, for the first time in a long time, he literally has to cede a lot of power to Ondine and her crew. So while he’s learning and educating himself (something he enjoys) there’s a lot less ‘Kingship’ pressure on him.

* He is almost completely PAIN FREE. And he has been for some time now. This is also the first time he’s really been able to think about that and accept it for what it might mean. After all, when he lost his light, they were still on the run pretty much right until they reached the sea. Now he’s had a while to actually just rest. A rested Gwyn is a far happier Gwyn than one who hasn’t rested. Especially a rested, pain free Gwyn. I cannot convey how much chronic pain changes someone’s personality and makes them often more irritable or bad-tempered.

* Augus is no longer in a coma, but actually awake, and talking, and getting better with time. While it’s not a solution, the pressure of watching his lover waste away to a comatose state has been lifted, at least temporarily.

* The ice can’t reach them, which gives Gwyn a genuine chance at taking it easy. He also can’t go to war on the sea. Basically a lot of the huge pressures on him have released. Sure he still has to figure out how to kill Olphix, but for the first time he can do that in an environment that is relaxing and inspiring to him.

* It’s subtle, but Gwyn has actually always wanted to be on a ship. He’s spoken in the past about not being allowed on them, because Lludd ruled the Seelie Navy, thus barring Gwyn from seafaring combat.

* Gwyn really enjoys Ondine as an ally. And her personality tends to have a calming influence on those around her. He is genuinely happy to see her, when she brings Eran to him. He enjoys a level of banter with her that he has with Gulvi or even Zudanna, so it’s not ‘out of character’ banter. We have seen him banter with her before, in the canon.

* Gwyn has also officially learned that Ondine has made the Reader refuge. So not only has she followed through on Mikkel’s dying wish, she’s done it within a decade, and trusted Gwyn enough to reveal it to him (it was subtle, but it was there for those looking for it).

* Gwyn is absolutely aware that Eran has had a pretty intense phobia of the ocean, and he considers Eran one of his own soldiers. His interactions with Eran were definitely influenced by: ‘If I praise him, then he will find it easier to handle being on this ship. And now I should probably teach Eran some of this information, because I need to keep learning it myself.’

***

Like, there are a lot of explanations and mitigating factors re: the shifts in Gwyn’s personality - that he’s more light-hearted, more relaxed, and more friendly being the main ones. Augus’ paranoia that something more severe has happened to Gwyn’s entire personalty is really just that, paranoia. And the reason Augus has that paranoia, is because he’s terrified that a lot of these changes are almost wholly to do with being in so much pain, and now not being in that pain anymore (and...Augus is right to be scared of that, and hope that it’s something Olphix has done instead).

But yeah, sorry you find him so OOC anon, that definitely wasn’t my intention. I did try and point out in the story that like: the ice can’t reach them, Ondine is clearly a friend who likes to banter with Gwyn, Gwyn enjoys learning environments (established in the past), he’s pretty much pain free by Gwyn standards (ongoing), Gwyn is King but he’s on an environment where it’s really just a token position that means everyone respects him and gives him nice things, and parties happen every evening and Ondine likes a much less serious vibe, and you know, Augus is doing much, much better, to the point where Gwyn almost wanted to show that off to Eran.

Imho, Gwyn is still essentially himself, we just don’t get to see some of the lighter sides of his personality very often, because the Court environment is oppressive towards him.