#prison drive him insane so points for him I guess…

[bleue-flora]

I’m losing my mind… sooo a little bit ago I was combing through the Revival Book video for my fic and I noticed something interesting — The map

What about the map? Look closely…

You’ll notice that marked by turquoise is none on than the - vine covered Doomsday’s grid over the water filled L’manhole! Confirming that this conversation and therefore the experiments on Vik and Lazar took place after prison.

Which means quite a few earth shattering things. Firstly, the revival book likely was not the main factor that drove him mad to the point of putting himself in the prison like we might have suspected. This also means that just in general, Dream is not as prepared, planned, well thought out and as mastermind as we thought, and a lot of things were actually more genuine after all.

Because if he didn’t know that the revival book worked (which is implied by the dialogue in this video over the map) then he really must have trusted the server and Tommy to not kill him permanently and the revival book mention was more likely a really desperate afterthought last card that he hadn’t even used yet (honestly he hardly had the time to be fair - but thankfully he memorized it I guess), which oh just really makes the server almost letting him die permanently sting so much more. Plus, this also suggests that maybe Punz did not have the revive book before prison (the dialogue in this scene certainly suggests as much), and it means Dream really was adamantly afraid of dying in prison, making his stubbornness to not give up the book and endure the torture make a lot more sense. Further highlighting that he also was likely not as prepared or thick skinned going into the prison as we might have thought. It also implies that he is likely being truthful about Tommy being his first revival. Oh and there’s also the fact that in this conversation he suggests killing Philza after Philza helped rescue him, which just… rude (but that doesn’t really makes sense anyways since I doubt he would want to piss off Techno but still)… and since we now know the experiments with Vik and Lazar happened after prison I’d say that if staged duo did experiments on eachother it’d would also be after prison because why would you test on yourself before knowing that it can bring you back from any death, that’s pretty risky, (which also aligns with Dream having his original 3 lives in the staged finale).

Oh and if that wasn’t crazy enough, I also noticed there are end rods in the laboratory!

Heeeeehhhhh?!!!….. Which means they went to The End (and I already kinda suspected that since they talked about it in the finale, but I certainly didn’t think they went before/(during?) the basic experiments on Vikk and Lazar.) And not only did they go to the End they went to an End City, which does that mean they have like elytras?…

Have I blow your mind yet? Because I’m losing my shit…

{This is all of course unless we are to take these as accidental inconsistencies and flaws in the video from a lack of due diligence (since I’m pretty sure the ccs hired someone to make it) and ignore it or retcon it, (which wouldn’t be the most unreasonable thing since the dialogue in that scene suggests that they don’t know it works at all - “but what if it does work?” which doesn’t make sense for them to say after he already brought back Wilbur and Tommy). Or alternatively, we could also go the route of disregarding things due to my other theory about the video [post] and say that since it’s from DreamXD’s pov it’s messed up because he misremembered the lore as he’s a god and wasn’t paying that much attention to detail…

[fox-guardian]

hey guys did you know that um. did you know. first of all did you know i'm losing my mind, secondly, do y'all remember in tma how when someone reads a written statement, they don't really Stop unless they're interrupted? and they read the whole thing easy cheesy, no issues with reading whatever words are there? like. jon literally could read french for a whole statement and was Fine. granted, that's Jon, but like nobody else struggled with pronunciations and whatnot (that i can recall)

presumably, this is an eye thing. either as employees of the institute, or because everyone there is just also eye-aligned in some degree (melanie had the ghost hunting show, the eye is fond of martin, etc)

and then there's tim in season 3 ep 86

[Sigh] Statement of… uh, Benjamin Hatendi… Hateendi? Regarding a… [papers rustling] a blanket. Dead friend. Monster. Regarding his unavoidable and gruesome end. How he tried to hide. He couldn’t. Statement is from… 1983, March 2nd. And I guess… [long sigh] I guess I’m doing this one. Tim Stoker. Archival assistant… Archival prisoner at the Magnus Institute.

correct me if im wrong but i don't recall anyone struggling with pronunciations before this bit. but that's not even the biggest thing here, that's just a lil Taste, a lil Flavor.

note the phrasing there. "Regarding his unavoidable and gruesome end." why would he say this when the written text on the statement says this:

Uh, right. Benjamin Hatendi’s account of… [rustling pages] oh for… a, a strange encounter. Er, statement date, March 2nd, 1983. Melanie King recording. Apparently.

"a strange encounter". that's it. nothing about an unavoidable death, just a "strange encounter". Tim Why Did You Say That.

why would our dear timothy bimothy, who is being pushed to the brink, who is becoming rapidly more depressed and losing hope, say this?

this isn't the only time he's said some weirdly grim shit tho (ep 104)

There was never really any hope for me, though, was there? This was how it was always going to go.

and then there's this bit from elias apparently having Looked into tim (also 104)

TIM All right, hit me with your X-ray eyes then, boss. What do you see? ELIAS Disruption. An unpredictable, angry man with nothing left but the desire to feel in some way revenged. TIM [Sarcastic] Ooh, terrifying! Surely only magic could have let you see so deep inside my very soul.

"nothing left" but the desire to feel revenged. and tim doesn't dispute this, because it's true.

when he first joined the institute he did so in order to look for answers about danny, but then he stopped seriously looking. and now that the circus is back, this is all the drive he has left. not looking for answers, just wanting revenge. closure. an end, if you will.

this is Literally It For Him. a couple lines later he suggests elias kill him, he's At The Breaking Point.

he is so tired, he's lost all hope, and he's saying all this grim shit about "unavoidable death" and "this is how it was always going to go" like hmmmm sounds familiar doesn't it. DOESN'T IT (<- is going insane)

(ep 11) [....] despite the rapid response of the paramedics and how much of his medical history I had immediately to hand, there was nothing I could do to save him. (ep 11) I have no responsibility to try and prevent whatever fate is coming for you. Based on my previous experience, such a thing is likely impossible anyway,[....] (ep 121) There. That was it. That was our fate; where we would always be.

hmmmm sounds a bit like oliver huh? everyone's favorite ex-accountant avatar of the end?? right??

but then there's this last bit i have from ep 86.

why did he stop reading the statement

Statement. “My parents never let me have a nightlight. I was always afraid, but they were ju–” Ugh, this is stupid.

why did he do that. again, correct me if im wrong but when else has someone just Stopped Reading like that without someone or something else interrupting them? why could tim just stop himself?

my theory is this: at this point, tim is completely gone from being aligned with the eye. he no longer seeks to know what happened to danny, he just wants closure. he doesn't wanna do any statement work, and he keeps mentioning these tidbits about hopelessness and the inevitability of terrible events, specifically death.

the eye isn't compelling him to read the statements like it does the others, because it doesn't have as strong a hold anymore. the grip is slipping from him. and by the time the unknowing rolls around, maybe it's lost him for good. maybe he finally fell into a different power he never meant to serve, and yet, he does.

and maybe. just maybe. because i'm so not in denial. but MAYBE. he did die in the unknowing. but maybe he got better.

basically end!tim truthers rise up, this is how end!tim kayaking with his bf oliver banks can still win, etc etc I'm Going Feral <3

[zeroducks-2]

speaking of august vs thawne I felt like those two were being petty towards each other when barry forced the 3 of them to work together. I remember at some point august pointed out how he's better than thawne cause he's actually willing to change hence why he gets to be part of barry's life. personally I felt like that struck a nerve in thawne and that's probably one of the reason he killed him lol. "you thought you'd get to be with barry? guess again!" moment

The thing about Eobard (and this is something that drives me insane in a very good way) is that his actions look pretty much nonsensical when you look at them without context.

Why did he kill August at the end of The Flash Age, after everything had gone SO WELL?

Barry trusted him, Eobard did the right thing. They easily fell into the right rhythm, they helped each other no strings attached, and not only that - after saving Chris, Eobard went back to Barry and August to save them too.

He could have very well left them to die, and if you think about it, he can just walk into the Speed Force and pluck Barry out like he did in the Rebirth Mini. So it was really just a plain good action.

But then he goes and pulls August's neck like a chicken's? Why TF Eobard? Barry doesn't understand it, and since we don't get Eobard's POV, we don't see what's in his head when it happens. But if you know enough Flash lore, it's possible to piece together what went down.

First of all, and this is very important to consider, Eobard was walking away. It's August who physically stops him.

August grabs his arm, and Eobard immediately understands what this is about. August wants him to go back to prison. The fact that his response is about trust, and the defeated look on his face, make the feeling of betrayal pretty evident.

(also what in the FUCK you think you're doing August, this is a whole ass tiger not a kitten you can scruff oh my god. anyways)

Now, the reason why Eobard immediately assumes (correctly) that August wants him back behind bars, is because this exact same thing happened to him so many times, and it's basically a trauma so big he would rather take his own life over going to prison.

Back to his time of origin in the 25th century, he would stay locked up in the most inhumane conditions (total isolation, sensory deprivation, no human contact to the point where they fed him using radiations so that no one would approach and talk to him), and the only way he had to get out for a very limited amount of time, was when the good law abiding citizens needed a hero to fight some kind of superpowered foe.

Because in the 25th century superheroes are illegal, when something too dangerous comes up, the only way to fight it off is to use a criminal. And who better than Professor Zoom, the "sociopathic knock-off" of the now defunct hero the Flash, who'd do anything for a scrap of freedom and two minutes of leniency - especially because for all his life Eobard has desired being a hero and help people, so he'd never refuse such an offer.

Page from The Flash #147. The Flash in question is Wally in one of his timetraveling adventures.

So Eobard helped, everyone cheered, and then locked him back in prison.

We see this *in The Flash Age* as well. It's what happened when he had to fight Paradox the first time - he was pulled out of prison and he not only fought of Paradox, he also saved the survivors, rebuilt Central City and the Flash Museum with it.

Now of course August couldn't possibly know all of this, but what August knows is that Eobard, when he was locked up in Iron Heights, was in this condition:

So what he's doing is in fact demand that Eobard, in order to actually gain their trust and proceed on his "road to redemption", willingly goes back to that BDSM contraption thing in sensory deprivation and with a muzzle in his mouth.

After this man went back in time to specifically save August's ass from a world eroding from under his feet.

Eobard is openly terrified at the idea of going back to prison, by the way. Many times he very clearly tells Barry that he'll die before going back to the situation described above. Or to this:

Or this:

Or this:

And I could go on but you get the picture.

August basically put his whole foot into an open wound and twisted. The idea of going back to jail after his five minutes of leniency had to be so upsetting that I'm surprised Eobard JUST broke August's neck, and didn't like, gut him up while he was still alive.

It's understandable that people would think that he killed August out of jealousy, or that he somehow cringed at the good action that he did and had to sort of compensate with a bad one. But it's actually way more complicated. And the saddest part is that he assumed that Barry was on August's side, wanting to put him back to jail, because he's traumatized as fuck and will always assume the worst possible scenario.

[lesbianrobin]

wip wednesday

i was tagged by @ayotofu and @inell !! currently i am working on a crossover so um. apologies to my beloveds who don't care about either stranger things or 911. because this is both. also i am tagging my beloved sarah @steveharrington xxxx mwah love you babes

“Robin,” Steve says, “You did not.”

“Just drive,” Robin hisses, “Uncle Philip’s a light sleeper.”

“I’m not gonna—”

“Steve.”

“I hate you,” Steve says, shifting the car into drive. “I hate you, I hate you, oh my God, we’re gonna go to prison and we don’t even have a car seat.”

“Just don’t crash!”

“Oh my god,” Steve says, creeping slowly down the quiet suburban street so as not to wake anybody. “That is not a birthday present.”

“He’s young enough that we can say he’s mine,” Robin says, “I’m weird, I had a home birth because I don’t trust hospitals—”

“You’re a hypochondriac, you’re always going to hospitals.”

“Okay, then it was a really fast labor and I had him in the bathroom and we’re broke so we figured we’d save ourselves the bill since I felt fine.”

“You are clinically insane.”

“Well, guess who’s the father?”

“Jesus Christ,” Steve moans.

Little Evan Buckley, only eight weeks old, sleeps soundly in Robin’s arms.

“We’re gonna have to move,” Steve says. “Nobody would believe that you’ve been pregnant this whole time. Hell, nobody in Hawkins would even believe that we’d slept together!”

“Shit,” Robin says.

“What even happened in there?”

“She begged me, Steve! Maddie’s the only one who’s been taking care of him since he was born, and she said that Margaret wanted to drop him at a fire station!”

“And you thought we were the better alternative!?”

“Sorry if I don’t trust the government with helpless little children!”

Steve doesn’t have anything to say to that. It’s, unfortunately, kind of a reasonable point. He knows that isn’t how El was taken, that her mother was already involved in experiments before her birth, but he also knows that Benny’s is an abandoned party spot now because the guy called social services and got a bullet to the skull for it.

“We’re gonna have to change his name,” Steve says, “He can’t just run around as Evan Buckley.”

“Evan Harrington?”

Steve snorts. “No way you’d have a baby and just give it the man’s name.”

“Damn it, you’re right. So we’re keeping Buckley.”

“Keeping Buckley,” Steve confirms. “Do we have to act, like… a couple?”

“Ew,” Robin says. “Uh, maybe it was a one-time thing?”

“We got super drunk,” Steve says.

“Blackout drunk,” Robin adds.

“Perfect. So, we’re moving somewhere… not Hawkins, we had a home birth, and little baby Buckley’s mommy and daddy are just friends. He still needs a name.”

[phightingconfessions]

here you go lmao

----

GOD banhammer is so fucking perfect, i've been staring at a picture of him in some way shape or form for probably like fifteen hours out of the last three days. he is just so very mwah i wanna bite his armor it looks so fucking cool bro. and his teeth, good LIRD his fucking teeth those chompers are driving me insane. i wanna put my hand in his mouth and i don't think i'd even be upset if he bit me for that, hell i want him to bite me. he could step on me too and pick me up and throw me down the stairs and i wouldn't even be mad. did i mention how fucking tall he is? mans is like 6 foot 11 inches, thats bonkers, he could punt me into the sun and i'd let him. his hands are probably huge as fuck too. i want him to hold me but i'd settle for being manhandled into a jail cell. he probably patrols the cells on occasion since he's just built different and i'd stand in my 'pathetic homosexual loser' cage and give him a gay little wave as he walks past. blow him a kiss and all that. he might not even notice because he's blindfolded which would be saddening but hey maybe i'll get to feel his touch when he drags me off to be executed or whatever. does he even execute his prisoners at all? if he doesn't i guess i will just rot in that cell until he sees fit to release me. bummer. or perhaps i could seduce him into letting me work as an assistant/maid/etc for him instead. he seems like he'd get off on having someone to order around directly, and i wouldn't mind obeying his every command. anyways as much as i'd enjoy letting him order me around it would probably get boring eventually. he'd probably melt immediately if i gave off even a whiff of dominance. mans still listens to his mom for fucks sake, he'll fold like a wet napkin if i yank him down to his knees and grab his chin. that might be tough with the size difference though. i could back him into a corner and grab his horns and pull his face down to mine and then kiss him or whisper to him or whatever. fuck yeah. not to mention he's blindfolded too, so i could mess around with that. he'd probably be kinda mouthy about it, especially if we have a significant strength difference, but he'd like it. putting a hand in his mouth would probably shut him up. god the thought of running my hand along his teeth is just so fucking enthralling. they look kinda similar to shark teeth. built to maul people and yet here i am touching them like the most foolish creature upon god's green earth. cough this is getting a little too immersive whoops fuck uhhh right! his armor. the gems everywhere is attractive. shiny objects are so cool and banhammer has a gem on like every section of his armor. they probably make cuddling a tiny bit uncomfortable but that's par for the course with armor. i'd put up with it. his weapon looks sick as hell too but i am not a weapons connoisseur, i am a men connoisseur. and this one is delicious cough right his armor. his boots look pretty tough. they probably have treads that'd leave a good mark if he stepped on my back. that'd be cool. i'd let him dig his heel into me with great force. god at this point i dont even wanna fuck him i just want to either destroy or be destroyed by this man. good fucking god why did i write so much. *checks wiki* right he has four eyes. assuming they look like his mom's do it'd probably be pretty cute. two little extra ones beside his normal eyes. he probably winks by closing half his eyes. and now i'm thinking of various seductive faces he could make. i am down so bad i can't even. i wanna kiss him choke him slam him into a wall. or have him do that to me. i'm not picky. one of us is gonna be pathetic, obedient, and submissive and i frankly do not give a fuck which one it ends up being. i'd let him put a collar on me. the thought of banhammer wearing a collar is making my brain do terrible horrible things so i will leave it at that. i do draw the line at like 'daddy' shit tho that's not for me at all & he probably has daddy issues anyway

I've read this like 5 times and I have determined. I will post it.

behold: the banhammer manifesto. I don't think it gets crazier than this I think we've reached craziest post about ban on this blog. well done everyone! I'm going to go cry now bye forever /j

[woodypellets]

part 2

Before BitterGiggle could even run, the sheriff used two of his stars and pinned him by the shoulders onto a wall. “Oh we screwed up…” (the frown side said) “Wait! Toadster we can taAlk about thihihis!” The jester (mostly the green smiling side) squealed as toadster quickly spidering up his sides “Nahaha Cheheheater!” He quarreled. “I have no idea what your talking about! But this ought to teach you a lesson.” Toadster said with a grin on his face (wait his always grinning-) “NohoHO” He giggled out, kicking his legs against the wall. “Ya feeling sorry yet?” The sheriff asked teasingly. “You’ll…neveher…getthebestOFMEHEHEAHA” A shriek fills the room followed by more squeals and giggles as a pair of stubby hands dancing on both of his fluffy neck and tummy. It’s like a little order for the two sides. One on the for the left side and tummy on the other! “OhhohO thihIs is teheherrihibleheahA!” The jester boy giggled out. “Just like your jokes!” Toadster replied BitterGiggle didn’t respond but continued to laugh and giggle. Twisting his head over the sheriff’s hand that was on his neck and using his left arm to push his hand away from his stomach but it only causes his ler change spot more frequently that drives him nuts. “Hey ya know what’s really funny to me?” “WhaHAt??” “That you have not once said any word related to stop, and I can see that you haven’t really tried to defend or fight back.*” The first sentence alone completely got em flustered out, covering his face. The truth is, part of him hates it so much, but another part of him loves it (not talking about his frown and smiling sides). It was only within a matter of time this jester would completely break into crumbling bits! “Buddy it’s been almost 5m minutes, you sure you can still keep up the pace?” The toad concernedly questioned. “YEhes im SuhurEHehe, I wohohont SuhurehehehndEr HahA!” The jester replied despite that he is already a giggling mess. Kicking and flailing like a squealing child (after the new chapter I have no idea if he actually is one). Hearing this, Toadster already knew that he was more enjoying than getting punished. With that, he started to get all the weakest spots he knew on the poor jester. Laugh and giggle, squeals and shrieks. Tearing up a little, he couldn’t even think right at this point but laugh! BitterGiggle would be kneeling down on the ground already if it wasn’t for the Toadsted stars. Hear this you probably already know just how insane this drove him. “HAHANOHOAHANANAHAHA- EEEHEHEP!” Well it’s not his fault his neck and feet are super sensitive.;>

"SHEEHEHERIHIF PLEHEAHEASE HAHA!" he begged

"please what?"

Right before BitterGiggle was about to surrender to his ler… “Welp, I guess you just don’t know when to quit.” Toadster stop his wiggling hands and unpinned the panting jester who is still recovering from that torture. “And beside, continuing would only be to good for you two!” Again this made BitterGiggle more flustered who was already due to the whole situation, but let out a small chuckle. “Was it that obvious?” Admitting that it was kinda fun. “Once you get to know someone, yeah.” Giving him a small nudge on the shoulder. “Now…” “Wha-?” “GET ME A NEW PRISON, NOW” “AHH YES SIR”

End.

part 1: https://www.tumblr.com/woodypellets/750427234899263488/a?source=share

[whosthere54]

This is just going to be incoherent screaming about the CMVs but I tried to organize it at least a little <3

MISERY FELL -

“This town without love to much faith in above”

They believed so much in the gods and then the gods hurt them in so many ways- they had too much faith in them and then they made a deal with Enderian.

“All the stars in the sky just enjoying their time, with a hope for peace.”

Idk I think it’s just neat.

ENEMY -

Fable - “look out for yourself” and I now think that that’s more him watching over Icarus than anything else but that’s just me-

BROTHER -

The parallels in the brother CMV of when Rae reached out to Icarus to help them up, vs when Icarus reached to help Rae.

TURN THE LIGHTS OFF -

“Don’t you like it, I know I do. How about you, what do we know.”

Quixis being on “All good devils masquerade under the light” could have two meanings but I believe it’s them talking about fable.

STARMAN -

The way the first time Icarus is met with Haley’s grave they run, they don’t want to believe it. So they can’t. The next time they find it they stop a moment at the headstone, taking the flowers in their hands and sinking down to sit next to the grave. A moment of remembrance, and a sign of their acceptance. AND IN THE END WITH HALEY WATCHING OVER ICARUS AS THEY WORK, WITH A HAND ON THEIR SHOULDER I-

GOLD -

Quixis being on the “I’m dying to feel again” AND THEN TUNRNING AROUND AND WE SEE THAG THEY ARE PHYSICALLY DECAYING (atleast how I describe it I guess) THEY EYES AND THEIR FINGERS-

Also specifically that it’s gold and then there’s auras and the gold eye and fable isn’t gold anymore and I simply think about it but I don’t have a coherent thought yet-

CANT STAND THE RAIN -

“Love, no such thing as love.” At the beginning DOES MATCH UP TO ICARUS PACING I WAS RIGHT and also “all love letters fade away in the rain”

Then it’s on “All lovers remain”

“around until the rain” is Centross. Which I- they’re best friends you’re honor

It’s always Icarus shown on “No such thing as love” and also I want to point out that in the order they are always last and I think that’s neat.

“No one left for me to straighten up the place for. Nothing left to do, but cry.” They completely believe they are alone, they wrote the book at this point l. The one that just repeated YOU ARE ALONE a few times on the second page. Just no one left for me to straighten up the place for - they don’t even try to say anything about the “Whack” in the prison, I don’t remember how much they even wrote down. I think they had given up on it at that point.

Also it stays until after “no such thing as love” They loved Momboo, they did, and at this point they had been convinced that she didn’t love them anymore. She chose everyone else over them, and Rae was the one that got her involved. Icarus needed people to blame, and Momboo ended up being one of them. Love didn’t exist in their corrupted mind, nobody could love them as they were.

THE ONCE A FAILURE SCENE AHHG/VVVPOS

They don’t believe in their friendship they had with Centross at this point. They know what he thinks of them, yet they still went to him throughout their corruption. Some piece of them still trusted him, and still tried to seek out his approval or validation. This could have just been because he could speak with Enderian, but I’d like to think it was because in their mind he was still once their best friend.

Also the little Icarus scene on “drip drop drive me insane” is one of my favorites. I really couldn’t tell you why.

GAHG THE REAVER SCENE I COULDN’T TELL YOU THE WAY I SCREAMED WHEN I FIRST WATCHED IT-

Centross putting the TNT in the tree at

“No such thing as love” now is so very cool

_-_-_

I love how watching over these and especially the season trailers there were so many lyrics lined up with specific characters that all make sense now I went feral a little bit-

ALSO I CANT FIGURE OUT WHAT SPECIFICALLY I WAS THINKING OF BEFORE AND ITS ANNOYING ME BUT HERE YOU GO-

[harmonyckrs]

Act 4, Scene 1 of Twisted Veronaville: Taking Down the Knights of Order

THE LAST PAGE

Pascal: Hello?...who is this?

Sita: Yo, Pascal. Can you come back to Veronaville super quick?

Pascal: I JUST got back home! And it turns out Lazlo is missing too, plus there's aliens camping in my house who refuse to give me any information about Sixam!

???: We were born and raised here! We don't know anything about Sixam!

???: Yeah! If we were from Sixam we wouldn't be fucking camping in your house!

Sita: Woah, they're super loud.

Pascal: Yeah, I know. I've only been back for an hour, but they're already driving me insane.

Sita: Okay, well...that does sound pretty bad, but...I'll help you find Vidcund and Lazlo if you help us with this. And we'll pay for your gas, too.

Pascal: You owe me way more than that.

Sita: Tracking down prisoners captured by a high ranking military officer such as the General and then proceeding to break them out of what's likely a maximum security prison takes a lot of effort, even for a psychic. Combined with Aktu's teleportation ability, you're going to want us both on your team.

Pascal: ...Fine. I'll meet you back in Veronaville soon.

The Knights of Order were a serious and determined bunch, but like with everyone else, they weren't without weaknesses. And in her attempt to scan the minds of everyone in Veronaville, Sita accidentally found out theirs.

Sana: I'm glad you're not mad at me for trying to stop you...even if we are on opposite sides, I do still see you as my sister.

Sita: Of course! There's no way I could be mad at my twin!...anyway, how's life? Got a girlfriend yet?

Sana: No...I don't think anyone would be interested, anyway. You were right about Nina and Dina, by the way...

Sita: (Right into my trap.) Aw, well...you can always find someone new. You know those Capp sisters? Goneril and Regan? They're recently divorced. Maybe you three can complain about your love lives together.

Sana: I guess I can...Regan and I talked for a bit at Hamza and Crystal's wedding, and she seemed nice...maybe I will! Thanks, Sita.

Sita: Of course! Anything to cheer you up!

Crystal: (Finally, I'm home...my head is killing me...)

Aktu: Greetings, Crystal.

Sita: Hello, wench.

Crystal: Ugh, you two. What do you even want, snitch?

Sita: Oh, nothing. I just wanted to thank you for trying to sabotage the Knights of Order from the inside, even if you were mostly unsuccessful.

Crystal: ...I only did it because I wanted some entertainment.

Hamza: Chrissy? You were sabotaging us?...and what happened to you? You're bleeding! Are you okay?

Aktu: (Let's teleport out of here before we risk having to talk to Hamza again.) Congrats again on the wedding, Crystal. I should probably go now.

Sita: (Agreed.) See ya, Chrissy!

While Sita and Aktu were dealing with Hamza and Crystal, Pascal's newfound presence had been noticed by the very person he wanted to see least.

Albany: (He's back...my dear Pascal has returned to Veronaville...)

Cornwall: Albany? Why are you using the telescope like that? The sky's upwards.

Albany: Oh! No reason! Just wanted to spy on...our bitch exes...

Cornwall: You're still not pointing the telescope the right way! You'd have to point it towards the north, not the west!

Albany: Yeah, yeah! Whatever!

Albany: (...I wonder why he's dressed like that...it reminds me of those old photos Goneril used to show me of-)

*DING DONG*

Consort: (As if Tybalt's death wasn't enough, I now have to deal with unwanted visitors...)

Consort: (Those guards weren't supposed to let that happen. I guess I got to check it out for myself...)

Pascal: Someone order a handyman?

Consort: (...He looks so much like Patrizio, back when we...)

Pascal: Well? I don't have all day.

Hermia: (Something's up with that guy, but I'm really not in the mood to deal with all of this today...)

Consort: ...Yeah, I did. Come inside.

*five minutes later*

Pascal: And that's the story of my first love. I'll never be able to get him back, but I can rest peacefully knowing that he's been avenged.

Consort: That's beautiful. I've lost my wife, too...to old age, but I can understand what the feeling of loss feels like. And my daughter and son-in-law were both murdered, so I understand the feeling of vengeance, too.

Pascal: (Our situations are not even REMOTELY the same! YOU caused the deaths of your loved ones!) Thank you, Consort. I can glad the patriarch of the Capp family is as kind as he is...handsome.

Consort: Oh, you flatter me.

Pascal: (And how is this plan even working?)

Meanwhile, Zoya was occupying herself with the new hologram tech she installed in the base of the Knights of Order as a celebration of "victory," unaware of what was going on with her siblings.

Tank: Zoya?

Zoya: Yeah? What's up, kiddo?

Tank: I was just wondering about...everything, really. What exactly are we fighting for now?

Zoya: Hm...not sure, actually. We may not have succeeded in restoring the story to normal, but I think the events are just going to run as they do normally. At this point, there's nothing we can do but sit and watch.

Tank: But there's got to be other things I can do, right?

Zoya: I think it's pretty too far gone. Ripp has already done a lot of damage to the story. Unless if you're a miracle worker, there's probably no way to get Romeo and Juliette back together.

Tank: ...

Zoya: And you haven't even talked to either of them. I don't know what exactly Aktu and Sita had in mind when they said they were going to use you for their plan, but I think General Buzz getting in the way probably helped them more than they realized.

Tank: Seriously?...well, I can be just as useful as Ripp! I'll find some way to fix the story, without your help!

Zoya: Sure! Go for it!

Zoya: (I feel like I struck a nerve...I should probably apologize to him later, once he calms down...hopefully he doesn't do anything drastic.)

THE NEXT DAY

[invisiblegarters]

Only Friends Ranking - Ep 3

Just accept that this is going to be a weekly thing, self. Because these mfers keep making me switch it up. I can't even pretend to be annoyed, tbh.

Characters (Most to Least Fave atm)

Boston - not this motherfucker out here doing the most. And not me genuinely not knowing where the truth ends and the lie begins. If it does. Because honestly? Resetting his own virginity sounds exactly like something Mew would do, especially if Ray was too drunk to remember that it ever happened. As far as Mew knows it was just the two of them - it's not like he suspected Boston was being a creep and recording them - and however he felt or feels about Ray it clearly suits him to pretend nothing ever happened. I would fully believe they did have sex, tbh. And I would fully believe it of Boston to hold onto the evidence and play along as if he didn't know for his own ends, until he has a good time to pull it out (like he literally said Mew is a virgin who can't drive to Top in ep 1). I can't even be mad at him for it. I'm too busy cackling with unholy glee. Whatever games everyone is playing, Boston is the one winning at the moment.

Nick - Except this dude right here is now going to be the one in a position to fuck shit up. This dude is set up to go full on insane and a part of me can't wait. Personally, I hope he uses it to blackmail Boston into exclusivity. Why? My own amusement, mostly. I hope he does that and Boston can't do anything but comply (because he does seem absolutely terrified of Mew actually finding out - which is how we all should know that what he's doing probably has very little to do with Mew and much more to do with Boston and Boston's hangups about himself). And then when he finally gets Boston out of his system he should send the file to Mew. As a final goodbye. Yep, he's shady, we knew he was shady, this comes as no surprise to me. Might as well use what he has to get something of what he wants until he can find something or someone new to fixate on.

Sand - I never thought I'd demote him but I'm kind of bored. Whatever I wanted from him, I'm not getting it. I swear to god if he doesn't pick up a baseball bat at some point...but yes, he's just not giving me what I want and that's fine, not every character can be for me. I just feel currently, in ep three, like they gave him the most bland, almost predictable edit: he's gonna fall for Ray's shit despite himself, he probably had an ex that Top fucked and he hates him good for it, he probably had a parent (my guess is dad) who drove drunk or was killed by a drunk driver and now he has trauma surrounding it, he's going to put up with Ray and be jealous of Mew and probably cry from ep 5 on but hey, the good part is that this edit more than likely means that he has the best chance of getting out of this heartbroken but not in prison or dead. Just don't get in a car with Ray again.

There are two things that that kept him in the third spot today and not further down for the severe crime of disappointing me: the first was flipping off Top. That was hilarious. Even though I fully expect the problems between them to be about an ex and not that they are exes (I swear to god my poor bingo card is just gonna have one thing crossed out by the time this show ends; this hurts me why do you have to kill all my TopSand exes dreams, show? Why do you hate fun?), that was a great interaction and I want more. The second is that there are still times when he's looking at Ray that I don't see fondness, reluctant or otherwise. I see a man assessing how likely it is that the animal in front of him is going to bite. But more and more I am beginning to think I'm delusional because the guarded, emotionally unavailable man I sometimes think I see in Sand is not the one I'm getting in scenes like one in the car after the party (actually he was so smiley and easy in that scene I at first thought he was drunk. Have some pride, dude. I know you're twenty two and dumb but yeesh).

So yes. Three because he made me laugh and because I've still got the clown shoes on, if not the facepaint and orange wig.

Mew - I still think he's being manipulative, but not at Top this ep. I don't think it was coincidence that every time Ray's attention strayed from him this ep, he was right there to give him some encouragement. Ray might have been drunk when he confessed to Mew two years ago (and I'm betting he was, it's his whole thing), but you better believe Mew remembers, and I get the impression that for whatever reason - genuine feeling, wanting to be special, boredom, etc - Mew very very much wants to make sure that Ray never really looks away from him. Part of me wonders if he is kinda into him but he also knows what a bad decision he is, so he's waiting for Ray to clean himself up or for someone else to do the work to help Ray clean himself up (hi, Sand!) before he swoops in to claim the well-adjusted person that's left. If so, kudos dude. I mean that. Because the one thing that tends to be true about the fixer uppers is that they rarely stay with the person who puts in the work.

Even with that though, Mew fell flat for me this ep. And frankly I will be a bit annoyed if it turns out that he isn't actually a virgin, not because I think his virginity is Important but because I liked the idea of a virgin being as sexually confident as he is.

But also if he slept with Ray his whole speech in ep one to Top about how he'd get if he slept with him is taking on a whole new light. Just putting that out there.

That said, I do not think that the call to Ray was part of that manipulation, unless it's manipulative to know which person will come help you no matter what. I'd have called Ray too. He's the only one of Mew's friends who will drop any and everything for him, and a tipsy dude needs to sleep. In all fairness he tried Top first (foreshadowing for endgame, maybe?)

Top - He will get a pass from me on the anger if and only if it turned out that Mew and Ray actually fucked and I will tell you why. Because I would be furious too, but not about the virginity thing. Or Ray being the one he slept with. I would be furious because Mew has been harping on honesty this entire time while lying to him about this thing, this thing that he's actually using as both shield and weapon in their little battle of wills. Sure, Top wants to conquer the virgin or whatever and that's weird but I'm not gonna fixate on it because I already know how people get about virgins, especially when they start to get into their twenties (it's always either being almost afraid like virginity is catching or fixating on being the one to take it like it's a raffle prize), but for me personally the lying while demanding honesty is the thing. And Mew does wield his virgin status like a weapon.

But here's the thing. If he isn't. If Boston isn't lying his ass off or manipulating a situation to seem like something it isn't. If he in fact did sleep with Ray two years ago and then just decided to pretend otherwise because as far as he knew no one was the wiser. Now Top knows. He knows that Mew is a liar and that he's not above telling the kind of lies that can break things.

He's been mostly playing by Mew's rules. But if all of that is true...he won't be anymore. And that's where Mew's gonna get way out of his depth. Because as manipulative as Mew can be, I definitely think Top is better when it comes to this kind of game.

The reason he is so low is because he knows better than to just trust Boston's word. He should have asked, or done something else, anything else but just trust that Boston wasn't being a manipulative turd. He knows Boston wants him, he knows that he's got a ruthless streak. And he mostly went to him in the end because he was mad Mew put him off again. It's also because if Boston didn't show him a full on sex tape, then he's not only stupid but he's entitled. A kiss two years ago is nothing. A love confession two years ago is nothing. Hell, sex two years ago is nothing, if it weren't for the lying.

but at least he's not as low as

Ray - I keep seeing that Ray doesn't know what he's doing, following Sand around and begging him for time and attention constantly. Yes he fucking does. He just doesn't care. He's exactly like Boston, only I will give him that he isn't trying to pretend that he's after more than he is to keep Sand around. Sand's big, beautiful, dumb head is doing most of the work there.

Sand is convenient and fun now. Doesn't ask him for anything and lets him basically get away with being a total dick with a smile and a shake of the head. Of course Ray likes him and wants to be around him. But wait until Sand stops being convenient. As all people eventually do.

But no, I don't blame him for picking up Mew's call mid makeout or for leaving Sand to go to him. I wouldn't even if it wasn't that Mew was tipsy and didn't have his key. The dude has said over and over again that he just wants sex. He's given no indication he's going to give anything else - oh, he'll happily demand and take more from Sand for sure, because he's selfish and he doesn't think past his own immediate pleasure when it comes to him - but he's not offering himself. That was never on the table,

He's low because he annoys me. And because I do actually think that he sees that Sand likes him more than he's willing to reciprocate, but he just flat out doesn't care enough about Sand to care if he hurts himself over it. Ray wants what he wants, and if Sand ever even hints that what Ray wants isn't enough for him Ray will throw their FWB status in his face so hard it'll rattle his teeth. We've already seen him do it more than once here, and Sand wasn't even asking for more, just trying to warn Ray how he was coming off!

He'll leave Sand for Mew again, too. Mark my words. It'll happen over and over until Sand (hopefully) finally gets it through his gorgeous skull that he's fighting a battle he can only lose and puts and end to it (and then Ray will probably have a rich kid tantrum about it because his toys aren't allowed to decide he no longer gets to play with them). And then when you throw his alcohol issues into the mix...

I have a feeling Ray saw his only time above the low end of this list last week. It was a good run. I am still delighted that I aggressively dislike this character though. Between this and Kang from Dangerous Romance this is apparently my era to dislike characters played by some of my favorite actors and I am living.

I am not even putting my girl Chueam on the list because she had like four lines this week. But hey, now we know Title is playing her bro! I was wondering when he would show up. And I wonder if he still has some connection to Sand, since he did in that one chart Jojo posted forever and a year ago (I am also wondering if Yo is related to them as well - big sis?)

Relationships

The only relationships I am interested in this week are the ones we don't know much about. Top and Sand, Nick and Sand, Sand and Boston. Kinda sorta Ray and Mew in that I really want to know if they did the do or not (that they will eventually smash is taken as read by me, but I am curious if it happened before too), and whether Mew's apparent disinterest is real or he's just waiting for Ray to get his shit together to be the kind of boyfriend Mew wants.

But if I had to pick an "established" couple (insofar as any of these guys are established, lol), I think I'm most interested in Boston and Nick right now. Least interested in Ray and Sand, but that's par for the course.

Top and Mew I expect to fight Nick and Boston for the number one spot next Sat.

In Conclusion

We're getting some real mess and I for one couldn't be happier. Full speed ahead on the messy train, Nick come on out and go hogwild. Give our boy Boston a run for his money.

I expect we won't see fallout from the car event in the messy olympics for an episode or two. Mew and Top gotta work through the Ray issue (or pretend to), and they both have to settle back into believing that they have the other one right where they want them (or, maybe, actually start to like each other). Nick has to decide what he's gonna do and how much havoc he wants to wreak (my guess is he'll let Boston or Sand talk him into sitting on it for a while, if Boston finds out. But that won't laaaaast). Ray has to maneuver Sand around his own wariness (shouldn't take long) and into the pale imitation of what he really wants with someone else.

They've all gotta get comfortable. But not too comfortable. What would be the fun in that?

[svedupelle]

i was thinking about this line from Mahito during the Junpei arc

and about how it applies to a few other characters as well, most obvious to me being Getou, and to some extent Yuuji

the idea here is that its not always good to over-think things (though i guess the word “over-think” already has a negative connotation?) and that it can lead to a worse outcome than if you just act by gut instinct

Getou’s an obvious example of this at play:

after hidden inventory he spirals into hating non-sorcerers, partially because of his social isolation during this period (and also because of the events of hidden inventory), but also because of that “deliberation” as Mahito says. He’s trapped by constantly going on missions, which he compares to “running a marathon without knowing where the finish line is” in his discussion with Yuki. prior to that conversation, he talks to Haibara, who says this:

... which is exactly what Mahito is talking about.

then again, i guess Getou’s always been somewhat of a thinker, but here we can see that it bites him in the ass. he’s unable to find a simple, selfish purpose like Haibara, instead he has to remain the same selfless, morally righteous person he once was, except now he’s seen a side of the system that completely recontextualizes it

then he meets Yuki Tsukumo, who was like the worst possible person for him to meet at this point

(im not trying to say that yuki is evil or even that she personally corrupted him)

Yuki is also someone who’s looking at the system as a whole, and through their discussion Getou can find a perfect solution to his dilemma; a way to still feel “in the right”, to not have to live with that inner conflict.

Yuki seemingly tries to derail him from that line of thought with this:

essentially pointing out that its a false dichotomy, that he can pick whatever feelings he wants to. that said i have a hard time believing that Getou heard what she was saying, or maybe it wasnt possible for him to find another way once he met the twins.

in the end Getou’s decision here leads to his death, so i do think Mahito’s quote about deliberation applies rather well. just like Junpei, Getou cant stop thinking

someone else who cant stop thinking is yuuji:

(i actually want to rant a bit about megumi’s argument here, because it’s flat out insane: saving someone who later kills someone makes you in no way whatsoever responsible for that murder. you have literally nothing to do with it. even if something like a prison guard lets a murderer out of jail, and that murderer kills someone else, it wouldnt make sense to charge the guard for like.. assisted murder or anything. because the guard had nothing to do with the murder! even if yuuji saves tadashi (the dead guy in the detention center), and tadashi kills another little girl whilst driving without a license, thats not on yuuji! that’s on tadashi!! and it’s not really an argument for not saving him anyway, because you’re also depriving tadashi the possibility to become a better person and to thus positively impact other people lol. whatever rant over sorry)

ahem. Yuuji. at first Yuuji is like Haibara, he doesn’t really think too hard about stuff, but other people make him over-think:

Megumi’s argument from the detention center stuck with Yuuji, and here he’s essentially blaming himself for making Megumi guilty of saving his life, which let Sukuna kill like a billion people. It doesn’t make much sense, and its really just a symptom of Yuuji not knowing how to cope with Sukuna’s crime (which he feels like he enabled/let happen)... which had its consequences in the fight with Higuruma (is higgy also someone who over-thinks things??? someone help these guys)

that’s all!

[soggymentos65]

GOD banhammer is so fucking perfect, i've been staring at a picture of him in some way shape or form for probably like fifteen hours out of the last three days. he is just so very mwah i wanna bite his armor it looks so fucking cool bro. and his teeth, good LIRD his fucking teeth those chompers are driving me insane. i wanna put my hand in his mouth and i don't think i'd even be upset if he bit me for that, hell i want him to bite me. he could step on me too and pick me up and throw me down the stairs and i wouldn't even be mad. did i mention how fucking tall he is? mans is like 6 foot 11 inches, thats bonkers, he could punt me into the sun and i'd let him. his hands are probably huge as fuck too. i want him to hold me but i'd settle for being manhandled into a jail cell. he probably patrols the cells on occasion since he's just built different and i'd stand in my 'pathetic homosexual loser' cage and give him a gay little wave as he walks past. blow him a kiss and all that. he might not even notice because he's blindfolded which would be saddening but hey maybe i'll get to feel his touch when he drags me off to be executed or whatever. does he even execute his prisoners at all? if he doesn't i guess i will just rot in that cell until he sees fit to release me. bummer. or perhaps i could seduce him into letting me work as an assistant/maid/etc for him instead. he seems like he'd get off on having someone to order around directly, and i wouldn't mind obeying his every command. anyways as much as i'd enjoy letting him order me around it would probably get boring eventually. he'd probably melt immediately if i gave off even a whiff of dominance. mans still listens to his mom for fucks sake, he'll fold like a wet napkin if i yank him down to his knees and grab his chin. that might be tough with the size difference though. i could back him into a corner and grab his horns and pull his face down to mine and then kiss him or whisper to him or whatever. fuck yeah. not to mention he's blindfolded too, so i could mess around with that. he'd probably be kinda mouthy about it, especially if we have a significant strength difference, but he'd like it. putting a hand in his mouth would probably shut him up. god the thought of running my hand along his teeth is just so fucking enthralling. they look kinda similar to shark teeth. built to maul people and yet here i am touching them like the most foolish creature upon god's green earth. cough this is getting a little too immersive whoops fuck uhhh right! his armor. the gems everywhere is attractive. shiny objects are so cool and banhammer has a gem on like every section of his armor. they probably make cuddling a tiny bit uncomfortable but that's par for the course with armor. i'd put up with it. his weapon looks sick as hell too but i am not a weapons connoisseur, i am a men connoisseur. and this one is delicious cough right his armor. his boots look pretty tough. they probably have treads that'd leave a good mark if he stepped on my back. that'd be cool. i'd let him dig his heel into me with great force. god at this point i dont even wanna fuck him i just want to either destroy or be destroyed by this man. good fucking god why did i write so much. checks wiki right he has four eyes. assuming they look like his mom's do it'd probably be pretty cute. two little extra ones beside his normal eyes. he probably winks by closing half his eyes. and now i'm thinking of various seductive faces he could make. i am down so bad i can't even. i wanna kiss him choke him slam him into a wall. or have him do that to me. i'm not picky. one of us is gonna be pathetic, obedient, and submissive and i frankly do not give a fuck which one it ends up being. i'd let him put a collar on me. the thought of banhammer wearing a collar is making my brain do terrible horrible things so i will leave it at that. i do draw the line at like 'daddy' shit tho that's not for me at all & he probably has daddy issues anyway

[riveralongher]

I miss you

Oct 17 2024 4:41PM

I miss you so much, there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of you and I hate myself for it, I shouldn’t be missing someone I broke down and hurt completely to their core, but I do anyways. I saw you several times since we last spoke and it’s strange to me why I keep seeing you, I understand we live in a small city with everyone knowing everyone but I never thought I’d drive to Corpus Christi one day and find you there, it was strange to me why you were there my only guess was you were going to the show I was going to as well but when it came down to it, you weren’t there at all, it was so strange to me why I saw you there out of all the days I could of went or you could of went you happen to be there right when I was there why? And to come back home and the next day see you again later at a mall, when I got home that day after seeing you I cried and broke down to my mom about how you looked, you looked so different, your hair was shorter, ur eyes looked dead, your body looked starved and ur face was sharper, I blame your boyfriend for everything but I also blame myself for it as well.. you told me one day that you wanted to call me and ask me to go pick you up from your boyfriends place because you were tripping out off the drugs he gave you, that alone fired a spark in me that makes me want to physically harm him to the brink of death and break every bone in his body, I’m not sure why I’m getting so defensive over you when your not mine anymore, I’m not sure why I even still think of you anymore because I made mistakes and there should be no reason for me to care about you. But like I said before and many times to you, I’d always protect you and I guess that comment alone has stuck to me forever. A few weeks ago a girl who never had any meaning in my life tried to ruin my good terms with you because I’d stop driving her everywhere she wanted me to take her, I never liked her like that or even cared about her, I was just bored and needed a friend to talk to and at the time she was a stranger to me I felt I can trauma dump on her and then leave when I felt better, but it turns out she liked me and enjoyed doing things with me which is why when I blocked her and stopped talking to her she turned things around and tried to ruin my life. Spreading insane rumors that I go out of my way to stalk your home and that I cheated on you with multiple women is ridiculous to the sound, but of course you believed it and that flame of hatred you had for me sparked up and now you never wanna look at me the same anymore, it got so bad you even told your boyfriend about it and he wanted to do something about it, I’m so sorry but, your boyfriend wouldn’t have survived hand to hand with me which is why I decided to call things off and you know alone that him trying to rough things out with me would of ended in two ways at which you don’t wanna hear in detail but to shorten them out , one would be me in prison for murder and two would have put you hating me more that he’s in the hospital resulting in both making you hate me more than you already do. After we broke up I stayed single for the longest time trying to regain my sanity and peace and trying to find myself again I didn’t wanna jump into any relationship because I know that I’d only compare them to you and it would make things worst for me, I’m not sure why you jumped into one immediately after we broke up it leads me to believe I never meant anything to you at all or that he’s been up ur sleeve for the longest time, but anyways that’s not the point of this conversation what I’m writing here today is that I miss you so much and that’s all I wanna say.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary210

4/12-13/2024

friday - saturday

saw this morning that i am not gonna have my birth day off of work.

it shouldn't matter but it is kind of ruining my day, i just can't go out at all + the shift is closing into an opening shift the day after. why do that? it must show them i asked for the day off, it's like, pointed. plus they have me working in the 'back hallway' one of these days. i don't know what the fuck that is so if i hate it i will just walk out of the place i think. #lol.

today just kind of sucked. the wind on the way home was insane and really made me unhappy and my gf slept through my calls to come get the gate for me so i had to do this thing where i get in through the bars which is okay but it just feels bad and makes bad days feel worse. so for a while i just came home and felt miserable.

that makes reading feel more important though, for some reason foucault felt very weighty to me, i cried talking about his essay about bataille, written around the time of his death, with my gf today. something about the weight of his thought/non-thought to another, and the way foucault carries him and the ideas of transgression forward, the way he critiques the way history is built, it is so incredible to me.

i cried a lot today, my stuff with our friends is just really driving me crazy. like one of my best friends, he didn't do anything except be oblivious and dumb and like, i just don't want to look at him kind of because to not even think, when you have a partner who literally enables some kind of manchild-life it's like, how could you, and making her so angry that she might like, enter into discourses that make her more alienated from a bunch of people and make her resentful like fuck, guhh there is just nothing good, no good. it's how i feel, no good no good no good. just horrible and sad but it's not true, it's not really like that. i shouldn't care so much or be so involved i just think too much but it's hard not to. i really did say 'i don't even want to hang out with him, it doesn't matter, i can't go out anyways, it doesn't matter', is that like, teenaged or what. i am turning 26 , why am i like that?

today i read more about prison as it works and the evolution of prison into the corrective, it's blurry i guess but it's also not as dense as the stuff on docile bodies felt, still the notion here of work in prison, labor not as useful for production but instead the impression of a kinetics on a body and submission/acceptance via being kept busy, by laboring and by one's mind when not laboring being put to other tasks or things which approach the conscience, which is interesting. one thing here, the isolation of the criminals is really crazy to me in some of these cases, working together in total silence, seeing one another, alone in huge groups, and here one of the things i think about / thought about a lot reading the book, where when you're told to go to your room for bad behavior and you wait so hopefully for your parent to come talk to you and absolve you or see how sad you are or even just acknowledge you, this is the mechanism at play in prisons, or aimed for, with the guards. the walls are cruel, says one person foucault quotes, he goes on to say, the guards are not. this vertical arrangement of sociality is a reward, there is always something above you, and this kindness is part of the reward system where if one is truly repentant, one's sentence can be shortened, good behavior, true submission, proving use, proving normality maybe, proving one is not a true traitor, this is the value of work in prison, that one may integrate into the normal.

and here is the thing, the production of the normal, being in the fact that school, the medical apparatuses, hospitals and so on, work in factories and beyond the factory now we must admit, the family, all of this sharing these impulses of training, normalization, not even of separate method but often very similar methods, all reinforcing the other, feeding the other, then it becomes the case, as i have heard people say talking about this book, the prison follows not just naturally as the most rational and useful sentence, an aberration/tyranny made human and economical, not in terms of a condemnation on foucault's part (he condemns it but not as a tyranny against the human, he sees the humanist goals as needing this tyranny, his question is of how and why does this occur, how do they justify it, how is this cruelty still present, accounted for, used, attenuated, power expresses and strengthens itself without being as excessive/festive as public execution (there enters a transgression in a way)), but in the course of life for many. how the world is constructed, categorized, it is a repeated relation and not just relation but a set of technologies which produce knowledge, collect data to reinforce knowledge of categories, and so on.

there is a lot there . i need to re-read his bataille essay. i'll put that on my to do list tomorrow. i'll also draw tomorrow.

i wrote today though, misery helps with good pieces to add to things. my assemblage thing is i think going to be a cycle of a couple things, exciting to me, i need to take some stuff out of notes for that, and the long thing also has received a couple parts tonight.

i also read some agua viva this morning, in my upset-ness, at everyone and myself for being so stupidly upset about my birthday. i think over and over, about the hallelujah the book begins with, 'hallelujah merging with the darkest human howl of the pain of separation but a shout of diabolic joy', i keep thinking she understands, i don't know if i understand what she feels but it transfers to me, she talks then of the immediate is of moments, or instants, passing passing passing, i speak it it is gone, and the separation, nothing can hold her back from the 'is' of things. i feel it, i am separated and un-separated, affirming, attacking, it is so strange, i do feel in my rather tiny body this inertia and i am hurtling down or up, or in place hurtling, i just want to touch everything, she speaks that urge, or not urge, fact? i would like it to be fact, i think it, i feel that shriek / hallelujah in my heart, honest, i think, really honest.

this is good, it made me write more. yay. cute. fun. or i hope it's cute.

to be honest today the heat and wind made me go so crazy too because it messes my fucking bangs up and i can't just make them wet and blow-dry them again always it makes me so so so so unhappy. guhhh. stupid stupid stupid i kept thinking it would just be easier to die than live today. but i don't want to be that way, i don't want to just negate myself like that.

although i had weird thoughts omw to work, deathliness is kind of perfect recognition, this is why the self-possessed corpse feels so overwhelming to me, deathliness affirms circumstance, it is not necessarily negation or non-contestation, if one views death as still managed, maybe even more managed now if we consider the ecological-capitalist structures appearing which seek to evaluate all constantly, death is necessarily anti-discipline, anti-evaluation, it is revived under the eye of affirmation as the erotic thing, or an erotic thing, not necessarily true death but maybe certain things, idk, it feels true in some way to me, love as a kind of deathliness, where the deathly is simply that which refuses the rules of life as constructed by the apparatuses that individuate us, as well as construct us as human, an erotics of 'injury' even i guess, although that's really just me wanting to be grievously injured during sex in order to experience an elongation of instants, to really sense things as they stretch, it's actually really lovely to experience, honest.

i guess what is important about that is it feels poised towards living, essentially, the corpse as possessing itself the main thing, i suppose in order to back that up better i need to re-familiarize myself w/ the text i reference and some more artaud, beyond what's in that one big compilation of his writings. but yeah. that will be worth a lot for me i think, he is so great to read anyways.

another thing i keep thinking about today, is that i can't tell if my nature of getting really disappointed in people i know just means, since it seems like a pattern, that i'm actually a really bad and mean person and i am awful to be around and maybe i'm everything wrong with the world and stuff. i would like to know but honestly the thought that i am wrong about everything makes me want to kill myself but it's whatevs.

here is a song:

so far this is the best song for sure on this album, some songs have some very fun break sounds and there's lots of great synth sounds, except this one after this one is way too 80s but whatever, it's basically good but there's some fatigue i guess. but i really love the bass synth in this song, it's so genius.

here's another song, this one's by the genius kota hoshino, i'm glad he got big w/ people on yt, he's so smart w/ everything he does.

another thing today, my friend's piece of writing got put out,

one of my best friends, he is very very good, hard to say a lot about this work, i suppose partially because it feels very new, part of what made me almost cry reading it this time around is the interview with the missile, he's so sensitive there, it's very unique what he manages with that, he is much better at using humor in a way which cuts, i suppose truly carnivalesque, instead of reducing weight/pain it mounts it, more and more, very beautiful in that way.

any wayzzz, what else, idk. i need to listen to the album tomorrow too but i am like, scared i guess, like, what if i hate everything, then i guess i hate everything, bbut i couldn't right? but i shouldn't when i'm in such a sour mood from today i guess, being so disappointed.

did i talk about this song yet?

i am so forgetful, but i guess i can't recall everything, the fact that these entries help me interface w/ my reading is super nice and helps me remember that stuff better. this is, compared to that, much less. this song is kind of awesome, mgna crrrta definitely have some songs i like, which maybe bites cuz they're annoying nyc kids i think, not in a bad way or whatever they're just like, you know, why should new york keep mattering so much . it's just gonna and i can't do anything about it. anyway, the song is good and i really love the chiptune-y synths. i like that everyone likes them now, and i like that in my songs they're just kind of fucked up and irritating and not as pleasant as these. i think the way they pitch the 'oh yeah' up is kind of awesome and sounds way better than i expect that kind of thing to sound, idk how they made it sound like, cute instead of annoying? lots of stuff that tries for that gets very grating, the specific hyperpop pitched vox stuff.

and wtf, jack dangers is collaborating w/ merzbow? kind of sick, funny day for music stuff, oh yeah that new drain gang song is also really good, which is nice.

anyway i need to sleep soon i think sooo ,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[witch-hazels-musings]

Until you are safe

Warning: Vision Hunt Decree still in effect, kidnapped themes, reader grabbed by hair (Thoma), possessive themes (scara)

Character X GN Reader | Anthology 

Includes: Albedo, Scara, Thoma, Zhongli

Albedo

The frosty chill of the mountain side was more than you could bear. Every time you thought you gained warmth it was ripped from your body by icy hands threatening to drive you insane. You shivered and wrapped your coat further around your body while you scowled against the frigid cold. 

Ahead of you stood Albedo who seemed indifferent to the temperature and while you were impressed that he knew how to handle this without any complaints, you were also irritated by the fact. He was barely wearing anything and here you were shivering under countless layers of cloth. 

He turned to tell you something but with the turbulent winds and nibbling frost against your ears, you didn’t understand a single word he said. Quickly, you forced your legs to move as you made your way to his side.

“W-w-what di-did you s-say?” Your chattering teeth made it hard, and painful, to speak but you did your best anyway. 

“We are nearly there, can you keep going?” He narrowed his eyes at you but you knew that was a common thing he did. It was unlikely to have any additional meaning behind it. 

“H-how f-f-f-ar?” 

“Just around the bend.” He rested the back of his hand against your cheek and somehow that made you shiver even more than the touch of frost. When you nodded and began to walk forward, he took up position behind you and directed you toward the camp. 

With the cave blocking out the wind, and several warming mechanisms already glowing, you stumbled your way in between them an the fire. Trembling hands extended toward the orange and yellow light while you watched the snow drip from your clothes. 

“I always h-hat-te this p-p-part.” You complained, shaking your head and shoulders to warm up the muscles. This wasn’t the first time you traveled to Dragonspine with Albedo, but each time you braved the conditions you recalled the promise you made yourself last time. Never again, well ... I guess that promise was made to be broken. 

“Here, this will help warm you.” He handed you a cup and immediately you caught the scent of fresh and soothing tea. The aroma itself perked you up and even though your fingers were still stiff, you graciously took the offering. Warmth seeped into your throat as the liquid carved a path down your esophagus and into the pit of your baron stomach. With a refreshing hum you smiled through the steam.  

“P-p-perfect. Thank-k y-you.” Another sip warmed your lips and tickled your nose but you didn’t dare stop. 

“This trip should be less strenuous than last time.” Albedo began, his back turned to you as he rummaged through the stacks of books. “Where did I place that ... perhaps it got caught in the wind, that would be unfortunate.” 

You giggled, eyes watching him meander and speak to himself all at the same time. He had a habit of doing it but it never bothered you, in fact it was comforting to hear his voice, stabilizing, grounding. 

“You ca-can head out. I’ll b-be fine here after I w-warm up-p.” The shivering had eased, but you still succumbed to the residual affects as your body began to shift from frozen to thawed. 

“No need, I can wait here for a while.” 

“Haha, that’s silly, g-go on ahead.” You took another sip of the cup and found yourself sad at the emptiness of it. That’s when a hand entered your field of vision and you watched Albedo walk toward a table, refill your drink, and return to your side. He offered it to you and when your fingers found the circumference his nestled against them.

“Until I know you are safe, I will be here.” His eyes held your own for a while as if waiting for your reaction, your response, and when you nodded he mimicked your action before slipping back toward the bookshelves and research table. 

You were glad he left you, because if he hadn’t you were sure the only way to cool down was to step beyond the barrier of the cave and into the never-ending snowstorm that protected Dragonspine. 

Scara

Being at the side of a Harbinger had it’s own trials. If it wasn’t the constant movement between assignments or the threats against your life, it was the loneliness which creeped in every single day. There were some Harbingers who left the life of love far outside of their reach: Signora, who vowed to never love again and instead put all her attention into fulfilling her duty, Childe, found love a difficult thing to ignore and did his best to keep what he cherished hidden behind closed doors. 

Scara, he never understood the meaning of the word until it crashed around him like a house crumbles into itself, and the way he kept his belongings safe was to have them near him at all times. It was far better to be under the watchful eyes of his competence than leave something so valuable in the hands of another. So, here you were, following him around and staying hidden until he called for you. 

-- 

The room was empty, absent of all the things you would have normally kept to make this place more homey. If you could get away with it, you’d have made some changes to the décor, but the problem with never settling in one place for long made this desire of yours difficult to accomplish. It wasn’t feasible, you thought to yourself  but that didn’t stop you from adding a bit of comfort when you could. 

The night came and went without issue and after you prepared yourself for bed you wondered where your lover was. Was he succeeding, was he accomplishing his goals, would he return to you tonight or would you wake up alone yet again. Luckily for you, you had learn to be patient. 

Your dreams kept you occupied but there seemed to be something about them that pulled you toward consciousness, a subtle wish drifting across your imagines to wake up. 

Something brushed across your cheek, but was it the dream or reality, you couldn’t tell. Gravity pulled you close to something sturdy, but was it a creation of your imagination or the real thing - why was this so challenging. When your eyes finally opened and adjusted to the light of the room, you realized what had been calling to you. 

“Scara?” You pulled your hand down from behind the pillow, the muscles tense from being locked into that position for so long. “What has-” 

“Go back to sleep.” He spoke and the sound of his voice pulled you closer to him. 

“Is everything okay?” You continued your question as if what he said was never uttered, your eyes trying to find the outline of his frame while your skin adjusted to his touch. 

“Nothing to concern yourself with, just sleep.” 

“But, why are you here?

“I don’t recall needing your permission to do anything.” His words may have been direct, but you could sense there was something else behind them. 

“... would you ... like to come to bed?” 

“I can’t.” He adjusted and you felt the warmth of the blankets cover more of your exposed skin. The chill of the evening became blocked by the sheets and you hummed in response. You were confused, but the feeling of his hand running along your neck, your jaw, and into your hair made all the questions you had disappear. Moments like these brought out something completely different in the Harbinger and you wondered why he treated you so differently. 

With a yawn, you turned into his touch, lips finding the palm of his hand easily and placing a tender kiss against his skin. “You don’t need to stay if you have work to do. I’ll be fine.” You hummed again as he thumb ran over your lips and the gentle pull of sleep began to find you. It was quiet for a while and you focused on the warmth, the closeness, the comfort he provided until you practically melted into the bed. 

“I can’t do that either.” Scara whispered, hand pressing into the mattress as he leaned closer to your face. “Not until you are safe,” He breathed in your scent, gazing down at your trusting form beneath him. “Even from me.” He spoke as his fingers curled into the sheets and before he lost himself in you, he slipped from your bedroom and made his way down the hall. 

Thoma

He ran so fast as soon as the news reached him. The weight of his feet as he dashed through the countryside grew with every passing second but there was nothing more painful than his clenching heart and anxious thoughts. 

What have they done, am I to late, please don’t be too late. He wracked his brain over and over again, blamed himself for the stupidity of leaving you. If he had been there would the outcome be different? If he had stayed, would he have been able to fend off their attack enough to get you to safety. How foolish of him for thinking they wouldn’t use dirty tricks like this to accomplish their goals. 

Rumors and intel began to swirl like wildfire and at this point he couldn’t differentiate the accuracy of it all. There was one thing he knew for certain, the vision hunters had you and he was going to get you back. 

-- 

Their campsite was simple and you wondered if they would really be able to escort all of these prisoners back to the city on their own. They were intimidating enough to keep most insurrection at bay, but you were not about to let them get away with this. After a quick analysis of your surroundings, you found a few potential options worth trying, now it was only a matter of timing. 

“You won’t get away with this!” Someone shouted next to you and you patiently waited for an opportunity. 

“Shut up.” A soldier barked, his dismissive attitude apparent from the lack of eye contact and the wave of his hand. 

“This is wrong and you know it! Do you think you’re immune to the decree, when the day come to hand over your vision will you?!” 

The soldier turned and made his way through the trembling captured, you used the scuffling of those trying to get out of his way as an excuse to move closer to your escape. The dirt scraped against your bound hands and pulled at your clothes, but you didn’t care because each inch you gained the closer you got to freedom. 

You watched the soldier lift the woman from the ground, his impressive height apparent as she dangled above the well worn soil. “I will do what is necessary for the Raiden Shogun. I am bound by honor, unlike the resistance.” 

“Honor! You know nothing of it. Put me down you brute.” She spat in his face and he reacted in kind. You hated the fact that you were using her as your distraction, but hopefully if this all worked out in the end freedom would be enough compensation for her bruised face. Your fingers brushed against a metal handle, the sword you were aiming for had been reached and you quickly worked to get yourself free from the bindings.

The loosening rope told you of your success but when your hand wrapped around the hilt of the weapon and you moved to stand, a sudden pain against your head made your vision go blurry. 

“What do you think you are doing?!” Shouted a voice near your ear. They were so loud that you shrunk away from it only to be yanked right back. “You think you could take on all of us? Are you stupid.” 

“I didn’t think so.” You wheezed, blinking harshly to try and bring your vision back to clarity. 

“Well let me help you understand.” He drug you away from the group but before you could take but a few steps, an intense groan blasted it’s way near you and the hand that held your hair fell away in an instant. 

“Are you alright?” A familiar voice asked, hands finding your waist to steady you. It was like your eyes snapped back on because as soon as you turned your head, you found Thoma standing their with an expression you’d never seen before: fury. 

“I’m - ouch - okay.” You whispered and then you realized the implications of him being there. Turning, you pressed your hands against his chest and pushed against him, your voice turned tense as you shouted. “Ge-get out of here! What if they catch you!?” 

“I’m not leaving.” 

“Thoma!” 

He looked down at you, his arm tightening around you and you swore the world shifted red and the screaming soldiers shouts became muffled. “Until I know you are safe, I’m not leaving.” He looked forward and the glint of his polearm caught your attention. “Now hold on, okay.” 

The dry landscape turned into a wildfire until only what Thoma wanted to remain, remained. 

Zhongli

“This is very kind of you, Zhongli. To walk me home.” You chuckled, gazing up at him as you made your way down the path and toward the city. It wasn’t uncommon for Zhongli to escort you from place to place, but tonight you would have assumed he would stay on the Pearl and continue his lively conversation. 

“It is no trouble at all, to allow you to walk by yourself would not sit well with me.” Zhongli commented matter-of-factly, his eyes closing as he nodded his head and gazed up toward the stars. 

“You were having such a nice time, know that I didn’t mean to bring that too a close.” You scratched your forehead and adjusted your clothes after climbing the stairs from the docks. It was a rather pleasant night, but it usually was in Liyue this time of year. 

“I would never insinuate you had ill intentions. I made this decision on my own, to escort you is no trouble at all.” 

“Yes, well, that’s very kind of you Zhongli.�� The lights of the festival swayed in the wind. To you they looked like fireflies in the sky, but that was such a silly thought you kept it to yourself. “I think I can manage on my own, if you want to go back?” 

“Nonsense, I will stay until I know you are safe.” He glanced down at you and offered you a smile, one that spoke true and gave you the impression of ‘I will not be swayed.’ 

“Well, thank you.” You turned away from him in hopes that he wouldn’t notice the embarrassment you were sure shined in your eyes and flashed across your expression. How can someone so regal find your company enjoyable at all - but Zhongli was so kind to anyone you fought against your better judgement to believe this gesture was more than common courtesy of a gentleman.

“It is my pleasure. Did you have an enjoyable time?” He asked, head examining the city streets and decorations as you had earlier. 

“Oh yes! Thank you for inviting me, I’ve never attended something so high class.” You fussed at your outfit again, it was apparent you weren’t used to wearing something like this but you did your best to fit in and not insult the guest who invited you to join him. 

“I am delighted to hear. It is far better to enjoy ones time when in company you relish, don’t you agree?” 

“Absolutely!” For a while, the two of you discussed the highlights and lowlights of the gathering. The sound of your laughter and excitement caught the attention of late night patrons, but you didn’t mind because it also caught the attention of the one you wanted the most. 

It wasn’t until you neared your home that the conversation began to drift. Your heart was sad that the night was coming to a close but responsibilities held you to a tight schedule, even if you felt the itch to break them. 

“Thank you again, Zhongli. This night will be one I remember for a while.” Your nails had received a break all evening, but, now that you were about to be alone, they felt the dig of your nervous habits once again. 

“It was my pleasure, it is always a gift to spend the evening with you.” He bowed, his long hair slipping over his shoulder at the motion. 

“I tend to agree with you.” Chuckling, you moved to unlock your door and when you looked back to Zhongli, his face was illuminated by the sparkling lanterns and yellow glow of the city. No matter what he did he radiated colors you’d never fully understand. 

“Liyue has many festivals,” He began, his tone wistful, “though I must say the ones where lanterns adorn the city are my favorite. Do you not think they look like fireflies in the distance?” He asked, gazing up at a few that dangled across the bridges and walkways that lined the city. 

“Yeah, actually I do.” You whispered as your eyes fell onto the man you loved so much it hurt to look at him, but, if it meant you could capture even a hint of his existence in your memory, you would happily suffer this pain. 

[glitternightingale]

I see your Bruno in Modern AU and may I add:

1. The first time he was out, he was overwhelmed by everything. The sun. The rain. The wind. Caught a cold once because he stand outside in the rain, mesmerized. Julieta almost, almost want to chained him to bed.

2. He....text....like....this.... 👌 And it's driving the grandkids absolutely INSANE. He find this funny and refused to text any other way. Mirabel loves him but he cringed everytime he replied her text.

3. Will absolutely fall into Camilo's 'innocent' and 'well-meaning lecture' about modern slangs. 'What does LOL means?' 'Lots of Love' *ended up texting that to a news about his friend's that*

4. Is the one who chants 'MCDONALS MCDONALDS MCDONALS' with the kids just to mess with his sisters. Especially Julieta. Also banned from accompanying the grandchild to shopping trips because he will buy them a ton of sweets and then be like 'I can't resist their puppy eyes!'

5. Point number four backfired when they got a sugar high and Pepa assigned him to a babysitting duty.

6. Banned from Family Movie Night because he keeps guessing the twist and/or ending of said movie. Camilo is actually impressed by this, and asks how he knew that.

That's...what run in my minds now I'm on caffeine rushs sorry for the long asks sgsvagavsgsv

OMG your ideas are so good!! ✨💕😌🥺

No prison time could ever get rid of Bruno's childish side so he maxes it up when he gets out. And there's no question about him spoiling his niblings in every way possible. Oh, just imagine him trying to teach them how to ride a bike! That creates such a cute image in my head, ahhh!

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK: Chapter eleven: "Can't get you off my mind"

|Word count:  9,7K

Summary:  Reader struggles with her feelings for Spencer and tries to work with Seaver. Neither of those things works. Spencer's headaches are getting worse. Also, it's Anderson's birthday! Things are getting a little more complicated.

Warnings:  Hardcore fools in love. It's getting painful to watch. Spoilers of Criminal Minds Season 6 Episode 11. 25 to life. Cursing, and frustration. Alcohol consumption. Assholes being blind.

A/N: Please don't hate me! but these two are just so blind, it hurts!

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Spencer's point of view

Psychotics in a break always evolve. Well, I was psychotic at that minute of my life, but the only things evolving were my migraines. They were driving me insane. I could feel them taking over my life, my head, my sanity. I could feel my good judgment slipping through my fingers every day, especially since (Y/N) had started acting strange.

It wasn't like she had stopped talking to me or hanging out with me. But I could feel a void growing between us every day. And it was driving me insane. I couldn't understand where it had come from. I just knew it was eating me alive.

Morgan was having a bad day. One really bad day. The man he had vouched for parole had just murdered a man after nearly 70 hours of freedom, and now the team was trying to solve the whole case. Don Sanderson claimed he had been framed guilty of the murder of his wife and baby daughter, but after 25 years in prison, the first thing he did as a free man was to murder someone else.

It made no sense.

We had visited the murder scene. Hotch was still on a leave, so it was just Prentiss, (Y/N), Morgan, Rossi, Seaver, and I. Emily was in full "training agent's duty," walking Seaver through every step of the procedure, which was very nice of her. It was her first case after the incident in New Mexico, and she was eager to do better work than that time. She was nearly jumping all over the place, taking notes.

I talked with Garcia on the phone because he was worried about Morgan, and then I walked to (Y/N), who kept a safe distance from Emily and Seaver.

- "The bullets were in the other room, but the gun is right here,"- I said as I looked around the room. (Y/N) turned to me, ready to speak her mind, but Ashley spoke first, which annoyed her beyond belief.

- "Maybe killing him was an accident."

I looked at my best friend as Prentiss and Ashley continued talking. She just crossed her arms and walked around the room. She surely wasn't dealing well with having Seaver around. I wanted to ask her something, anything, but nothing came to mind.

- "Sanderson was out of prison for what, Reid?"- I answered Emily's question but didn't even turn to look at her. My eyes were following (Y/N), moving around that room.

- "At the time of the murder, 51 hours."

- "He's free for 2 days and change? What's the big hurry to find this guy?"

- "Are you ok?"- I whispered and stood next to (Y/N) as Prentiss and Ashley kept analyzing the scene.

- "Yeah, just tired."

- "Do you wanna have dinner with me tonight? I didn't see you this weekend, and I thought we could do a movie night."

(Y/N) took her time to answer, but finally, after a moment, she nodded and agreed.

- "Movie night sounds nice."

- "Great, ‘cos I rented your favorites."- I might have sounded more excited than I should, but I had really missed her those days, and I may or may not have watched and read Pride and Prejudice a couple of times.

- "Did you? Really?"

- "Yes, I was hoping to spend some time with you."

- "Are you coming, Spence?"- Seaver interrupted us and looked from the door- "Rossi called. They are interviewing Sanderson at the BAU."

- "Yeah, we are coming,"- I answered and looked away. (Y/N) shook her head and walked outside in silence the second Prentiss called my name, and I couldn't follow her. Which, I guess, was a good thing.

- "Is everything ok?"- Emily stayed behind with me. She raised an eyebrow, watching (Y/N) walking out of the room as Ashley waited for us by the door.

- "Yes?"- my answer came more as a question because I honestly didn't know what to say- "Everything is ok, Emily."

- "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I have the feeling (Y/N) isn't thrilled to have agent Seaver around."- I almost chuckled at her words and just nodded.

- "It's not like she has made it hard to tell. She literally yelled at her at the jet."

- "Is she mad at me because I am supervising her training?"

- "I don't know. I don't think so… she hasn't told me so. Well, she hasn't talked to me much lately."

- "Why? Did you fight?"- Prentiss wide opened her eyes and moved a little closer to me, trying to read my expressions.

- "No, I don't know what's going on. She just… we…"- I couldn't find the right words to explain my mind, and I think Prentiss knew it, ‘cos she didn't push me.

- "You should talk to her."

- "Yeah, we are going out tonight."

- "You have a date?"- Ashley walked over and asked me with a short smile. I cleared my throat and shook my head right away.

- "No, just meeting with a friend."

- "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to intrude,"- Seaver blushed and looked at her shoes. Prentiss smiled, probably reading something I wasn't seeing.

- "Come on, Rossi is probably waiting for us at the BAU, and I'm guessing Morgan is not in a good mood."

For the rest of the day, I tried to find a moment alone with (Y/N). I needed to talk about what was going on. But it was impossible. We worked late, rereading the original case files, trying to find something that might help us help Sanderson. But it was frustrating and nearly impossible.

So around nine, we decided to call it a day and go home.

- "Are you in the mood for Chinese?"- I looked at (Y/N), gathering all the things as I stood next to her desk- I thought maybe we could get some take-out from that place you love on our way home.

- "Sounds nice. What are we watching?"

- "Pride and Prejudice, Coraline, maybe Beetlejuice. You pick, I've got all your favorites,"- (Y/N) narrowed her eyes, looking at me in silence- "What?"

- "So you rented movies ‘cos you wanted to hang out with me?"

- "Yes."

- "You usually don't rent movies. You rent documentaries."

- "Yes, but I wanted to do something different this time. I told you I missed you."

(Y/N) blushed as she stood in front of me, biting the inner part of her cheek, trying not to smile. I looked at her, nearly beaming, excited to see her reaction. I had felt so scared to lose her, feeling her pushing away from me. It was a balm watching her so happy, and just because I missed her.

- "I love Pride and Prejudice,"- Ashley said from her desk- "I've read that book so many times, I think I can recite it."

I looked at her and nodded with an awkward smile. I knew she was just trying to be nice ‘cos she was new at the BAU, and she was also trying to be nicer to (Y/N), to get on her good side. But that wasn't the way to get to her. Maybe I had to talk to Seaver and explain that my best friend is a special woman.

Neither of us answered her comment. We just stood there, looking at her in silence, until Anderson walked over and waved.

- "Hey agents, before you go, I wanted to tell you, this Friday I'm celebrating my birthday, and I'd love to have you over."

- "Of course, Sonny!"- (Y/N) wide opened her eyes and clapped. She had called him "Sonny" since they sang "I got you babe" by Sonny and Cher in the karaoke at the Christmas party the year before.

- "Happy birthday, Anderson!"- Derek waved.

- "Thank you! We'll gather at a bar nearby. I'll text you the address."

- "We wouldn't miss it for the world,"- Prentiss added and smiled- "Do you mind if we tell JJ and Garcia?"

- "Please do! I haven't seen JJ since she left, and it would be amazing to have her over. You too, agent Seaver."

- "Thank you!"- Ashley smiled and nodded- "Count me in."

I could feel (Y/N)'s eyes rolling, annoyed, even when I wasn't even looking at her at that minute. I grabbed my bag and my coat and held her hand.

- "Bye, guys! See you tomorrow!"- that was all I said as I dragged her out of the bullpen. Emily waved at us, and Derek cut me an evil grin I could decode easily. I just ignored him and turned to the door.

- "Have fun, pretty girl!!"- Morgan chuckled at his own words, and (Y/N) just smiled and winked. Why? Probably to show him she didn't care about all his teasing, ‘cos nothing was ever going to happen between us.

(Y/N)'s point of view

It might have been childish, but I had to take advantage of Morgan's innuendo just to show Seaver things could happen between Spencer and me. It had been immature and silly, but I just felt like I needed to do it. It was like a stupid animal instinct that forced me to mark my territory.

I shouldn't have done it. Spencer wasn't mine. Not even close. And I had to stop being jealous of Seaver. If he didn't want me, he had the right to be with anyone else. But just the thought of Spencer being with someone, anyone, made me feel sick in my stomach. I hated being in love with him. I honestly did, ‘cos I didn't want to ruin our friendship with useless feelings. Spencer wasn't in love with me. He was just my friend. My very thoughtful, cute, adorable, and lovable best friend.

I was fucked. Completely and utterly fucked. Even that second, sitting on that couch with Spencer, I couldn't focus on the movie. I pretended, but I didn't even pay attention to it. All I could think of was how warm his body felt sitting next to me, like a gigantic magnet that called for me. I could simply just move my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. Or lean in closer, rest my head on his shoulder, feel how he wraps an arm around me, and melt in his embrace, like I had done a million times before.

But I couldn't. I had to stop that daydream of a domestic and romantic life with Spencer. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't sane. But most of all: I wasn't real. And I was never going to move forward in life if I kept thinking those movie nights meant something.

- "More popcorn?- Spencer handed me the bowl, and I shook my head- "You have been awfully quiet considering we are watching Coraline."

- "Well, we are supposed to watch the movie in silence,"- I answered and didn't take my eyes from the screen.

- "You have never done that."

- "Maybe I wanted to give it a try."

I grabbed a bunch of popcorn just to keep myself busy. I could feel Spencer's eyes on me, and it was killing me ‘cos I knew I didn't have to look at him. If I did, I wasn't sure how I would react. I was overthinking everything and anything you might think of.

- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah. Sure."

No, I wasn't.

- "(Y/N), can you look at me?"- Spencer paused the movie and turned to me. I hesitated, thinking my best friend is an amazing profiler, and I didn't want him to know how I felt about him ‘cos it didn't want to ruin our friendship.

After a few seconds, I moved on the couch and raised an eyebrow. His brown eyes stared into mine in silence for a moment, trying to read me.

- "What is going on?"

- "Nothing,"- I lied and frowned- "Why are you so obsessed with the idea something is going on?"

- "‘Cos I have this… feeling."

- "You got a feeling?"- I chuckled, trying to be funny but failing completely. In the end, I just stared into his eyes for what seemed to be a million years but were, in fact, just a few seconds.

- "Are we ok?"

- "Of course, we are, Spencer."

- "You never call me that"- he frowned immediately, almost hurt.

- "What?"

- "You just call me Spencer when we are on a case, and there are people around us. But when we are home, I'm never Spencer to you."

"When we are home." That killed me. I hadn't realized how badly I wanted that to be our home, to have a life with Spencer.

I was in love with my best friend. I was spending every single hour of every single day of my life with him. That wasn't right! If I knew he didn't have feelings for me, why was I doing that to myself?

- "(Y/N)?"- Spencer's voice took me from my thoughts. He looked so worried I didn't know how to convince him there wasn't anything wrong, considering it felt like everything was wrong.

- "What is it?"

- "Please tell me what's wrong."

- "I told you, nothing is wrong. I just called you Spencer. That's your name. It's a lovely name. I had never met someone called Spencer ever before in my entire life. You just called me (Y/N), not pumpkin, cupcake, chipmunk, or ma chère,"- he sighed, frustrated and maybe a little annoyed.

- "Nothing is wrong, honey. I'm really ok. Just tired, maybe feeling a little invaded with Seaver in the team"- I knew he knew I hated her, so I had to blame her in a way.

- "Why?"

- "You know I'm not her fan... I hate working with her,"- I kind of chuckled at my own words because I was trying to make a joke out of my awful reality.

- "It's just for a few weeks,"- he tried to reassure me, probably to ease my mood, but the truth was I hated how it always felt like he was defending her.

- "One week, one day, it's the same torture,"- I shook my head and turned to the screen again.

- "Don't be dramatic."

- "I'm not dramatic! I just hate how she is always playing the victim ‘cos her father is a serial killer. She is clearly overcompensating! Besides, we have all gone through bad shit in our lives, and no one is using it as a tool to get things in life."

- "I don't think that's what she is doing."

- "No? Do you think she belongs at the BAU? She is a trainee agent who almost got killed in her first assignment. She works hard, and she is not stupid, I give you that. But she is not top of her class. She is not there ‘cos she is the brightest. She is there ‘cos Rossi, Hotch, and probably Prentiss felt bad for her after what happened and decided to let her hang around and learn something for a while. If you ask me, I think there are more qualified trainee agents we could use in the team, but Seaver played her "my father was a serial killer" card and got the job. And who knows how many times she had done it before, and how many times she will use it again."

Ok, that may or may not have been too hard, but it was exactly how I felt. There was a deep silence in Spencer's apartment. The movie was still paused, and after my speech, Spencer just looked at me with wide-opened eyes. I just sighed and regretted every word that had left my lips ‘cos they made me sound bitter and shallow. But at least they didn't tell him the truth: that I was jealous of the thought Seaver might get his attention. Scared that he could look at her the way he had never looked at me. Just to imagine I could bump into them kissing terrified me.

- "Maybe I should just go home,"- I whispered and tried to stand up, but Spencer grabbed my arm and pulled me back onto the couch.

- "No, please. Stay,"- his voice was a whisper but still managed to shake me.

- "I don't wanna argue with you, honey,"- I thought I would speak too loud, but no, I actually murmured, matching his tone of voice.

- "We don't have to talk about Seaver anymore. Just watch the movie with me. You love this movie."

- "You love this book,"- I added and looked at him. He smiled. God, that smile is going to be the end of me.

- "It's just so dark! But it has such a good message."

- "Not all nice people are good people?"- I just spoke about what the book had meant to me ever since I was a little girl, and Spencer analyzed the whole plot again in less than a minute.

- "I was going to say overcoming your fears, but I like your analysis the most."

- "Of course, you do, ‘cos it's better,"- I teased and stuck out my tongue to him. Spencer just stared at me and nodded.

- "You might be right. Yours is much better,"- he kept his eyes on me for a few more seconds and continued smiling until he snapped from his thoughts- "More tea, ma chère?"

- "No, honey, thank you. I'm good."

I cut him a quick smile and sat back on the couch, trying to relax. I knew it was going to be impossible, but I honestly didn't want to leave. I wanted to be with him. I had stayed home alone the whole weekend, hidden underneath a pile of blankets, in something that looked pretty much like a fort, according to Lu's words. She had stayed with me Saturday night ‘cos I told her I needed a girl's night. It was my poor attempt to stay away from Reid, and she was happy to help.

Ok, Lu didn't know I wanted to stay away from Reid. I just told her I needed a girl's night. I really didn't want to deal with all her questions. You have the right to avoid dealing with your feelings from time to time if you can. And I told Spencer Lu wasn't feeling so good, so I wanted to spend some time with her. He sounded disappointed ‘cos he was making plans for our weekend off but understood completely I needed to be with my friend.

See? Spencer made it so easy falling in love with him! He was so thoughtful it freaking hurt!

I couldn't fight the feeling anymore and rested my head on his shoulder. It felt he was waiting for me to make that move, ‘cos in a few seconds, his arm was wrapped around me protectively.

- "I know Lu needed you, but you missed a whole weekend of cuddling on this couch watching your favorite movies with me,"- Spencer whispered, bumping his head carefully against mine. I bit my lips and smiled, not taking my eyes away from the screen.

- "We do this pretty often"- that was all I could answer.

- "At least once a week for the last… thirteen-month two weeks, and… four days."

- "I love how precise you can be when it comes to our friendship, honey."

Calling it a friendship hurt me at that point, but it was what it was. Spencer chuckled and just nodded. We enjoyed our company in silence for a moment. His fingers drawing figures on my arm and my head resting on his shoulder, letting his smell invade me. It was heaven.

We were finally watching the movie… though what I really wanted was to watch a movie with Spencer instead of actually watching it. But that was the nature of our relationship. We were friends. Friends don't watch movies.

- "No way,"- I argued when his cellphone rang and interrupted our moment- "Please tell me we don't have a case."

- "We don't,"- he quickly answered and picked up the phone- "Hello? Hi… it's ok, tell me"- he didn't stand up or moved from me. He kept holding me tight against his body and finished his call by simply saying.

- "We can meet tomorrow at seven at work. I can help you with your test."- I hated those words immediately.

- "It's not a problem, see you tomorrow. Bye."

I was afraid to ask ‘cos I knew the answer. The knot on my stomach was the fair warning of what had just happened. That bitch had ruined our moment yet again.

- "What are you doing tomorrow at seven?"- I did my best to sound as casual as possible, but I knew that conversation might not end well. He hesitated. I could nearly hear his neurons struggling to find the correct answer to that question. Until he simply whispered:

- "Please don't get mad."

- "Why would I?"

- "‘Cos Ashley just called to ask me to help her study for a test…"

I took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds, doing my best to calm myself down at least a little before speaking.

- "I'm not mad, Spencer,"- I tried to lie as smoothly as possible. I even cut him a smile and looked into his hazel and confused eyes.

- "I know you don't like her, but I had offered to help in case she needed any… what?"

- "I'm not mad, really,"- I smiled again and turned to the screen- "We said we were not going to argue, and besides, she just called to ask you for help. That's not something to be mad about, right?"

Technically I wasn't mad. I was beyond furious.

- "Are you sure?"- he narrowed his eyes, baffled- "Not that I want you to be mad or something, but we just argued over her, and you said you felt invaded by her… so…"

- "Yes, but I don't wanna argue anymore. I don't want you to think I hate Seaver because I don't. And most of all, I don't want her to be the reason we fight. I don't wanna fight with you. Ever."

Spencer sighed, relieved, and smiled, pleased with my answer.

Spencer's point of view

Something felt off the following day when I walked into the bullpen and saw Ashley waiting for me by my desk with two cups of coffee. (Y/N) had said everything was ok, and I decided I wanted to believe her. But I had an awful feeling about everything that was going on.

- "Hi!"- Ashley smiled and handed me a cup- "Figured you might appreciate one of these for making you wake up earlier."

- "Thank you"- I smiled awkwardly and held the cup- "Are you ready?"

- "Yes, I brought all the notes from the class and my books…"- she set them on her desk and giggled as I went through her notes, sipping my cup- "I feel back in high school…"

- "Why?"

- "I wasn't the best student back then, and I always had to ask my classmates for help,"- I couldn't help but think of something (Y/N) had said the night before.

- "And are you a good student at the academy?"

- "Yes, I think. I'm not in the top three of my class, but I have good grades. I'm just not… a genius, like you."

Her eyes lingered on my face, and her cheeks blushed after a few seconds. I frowned, not getting why she was embarrassed. Was it just ‘cos she didn't have the same honorifics as I did?

- "I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified,"- I simply answered, remembering how many times in my life I had ever said something like that. Way too many, to be honest.

It was hard to focus on the subject when Seaver kept asking me personal questions every five minutes. She seemed more interested in knowing about my childhood in Las Vegas than learning about profiling and victimology.

- "Good morning, kids!"- I turned around and smiled at Morgan, so glad to see him I might have actually felt a little relieved- "What are you doing here so early?"

- "Hey! I was just helping Ashley with her test,"- I stood up and walked from her desk over his- "And about you?"

- "I have a meeting with Strauss in a while, and Sanderson's case didn't let me sleep. It was better to come here and start working than to keep on rolling on my bed. But I'm glad you are here. Wanna help me go through a few extra files?"

- "Of course!"- I left the notes I was holding on the closest desk and walked with Morgan to the conference room.

I considered our session with Seaver finished, mostly ‘cos for the last ten minutes, she had been asking about me. What I liked doing outside the BAU, favorite bands, hobbies, anything. I answered her questions and kept trying to push her to study. I didn't want her to blame me if she failed her test.

- "Hey, kid."- Morgan whispered after a few minutes and took a look around, just to make sure no one else was near. I looked at him confused ‘cos he was never that careful to say anything in the office.

- "Is everything ok?"

- "Yes?"- I answered, though it sounded like a question ‘cos I wasn't sure what he was talking about.

- "Are you excited to have Seaver on the team for the next month?"- I shrugged and kept reading the file in my hands- "Come on, Reid. She is clearly sweet to you."

- "I don't know what you are talking about."

- "She has a crush on you, kid."

- "No, she doesn't!"

- "Come on! Are you blind?"- I stared at Morgan, not getting what he was talking about- "Man, Seaver gives you loving eyes even when we are on the field!"

- "She does not!"- I knew I was blushing. I hated those kinds of conversations, and Morgan always made me feel awkward when he hinted I should flirt with a girl or just talk to them.

- "And I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything like that ever again."

- "What's the matter, kid? You don't think she is pretty?"

- "I don't look at her that way!"- I buried my head in a file and tried not to notice how he scanned my whole face, looking for micro expressions.

- "I see. Are you afraid (Y/N) might get jealous?"- Morgan chuckled at his words and tapped on my back a few times, making me flinch- "Relax, man. I'm just kidding!"

- "I don't like those jokes, Derek. Really."

Morgan kept his eyes on me a little longer and nodded. I did my best not to show how I really felt, but somehow, I failed miserably.

- "You know, kid, it would be much easier if you just told (Y/N) how you feel about her,"- Derek's voice was soft and even more concerned than I thought he could be. I nearly shook when I heard him, so I failed my mission of remaining stoic.

- "Reid, it's ok. There's nothing wrong with having feelings for her."

- "I don't… like talking about this,"- I whispered and closed the file- "Can we just focus on work, please?"- Derek nodded and stayed quiet for a few seconds. But I knew he wasn't done yet.

- "Reid, listen. I know you are not really fond of sharing how you feel with us, I know you share almost everything that happens in your life with (Y/N), and as your friend, I've always felt glad and relieved to know you have her. But if there's something you can't tell her, and you need to talk to someone, you can count on me. You know that, right?"

I nodded and looked at him. That conversation took me back to the year I was using and had to keep it secret from my friends. I knew I could count on Morgan if anything happened, but I really wasn't comfortable sharing my thoughts, feelings, and fears with people. (Y/N) made it so easy. Was it ‘cos I loved her? I just always felt I could tell her anything. That had never happened to me before with anyone.

- "Morgan, Strauss was looking for you,"- Rossi walked into the room holding a cup of coffee and stared at us, raising an eyebrow- "Everything ok?"

- "Yes, we were just going through some files,"- Morgan stood up and grabbed the case folder- "I'll be right back."

- "I'll finish reading all these,"- I said and pointed at the box filled with more files. Morgan nodded and walked away.

- "Do you need any help?"- Seaver walked over that second and smiled at me. I stood up and shook my head.

- "Thanks, but I'm basically done. I'll just go make myself another cup of coffee."

- "I'll go with you!"- she smiled and waited for me by the door. Rossi looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I just cut him a straight smile and walked to the kitchenette, followed closely by Ashley.

(Y/N) walked into the bullpen that minute. I watched her as she opened the glass door and took out her jacket. It felt like the time passed in slow motion as she walked. I couldn't help it, I just smiled as soon as our eyes crushed, and for a few seconds, life was perfect. Just to know she was there, smiling at me made everything worth living.

See why I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling? They would make fun of me. Morgan would never understand the agony and the dimension of my love for her. He would just tease me. I wonder if he had ever actually been in love 'till that point in life.

I didn't want anyone to know what was happening to me ‘cos I was sure they would make fun of me, and that was the last thing I needed at that moment. So I did what I knew best: I locked it all inside and waited for it to burn me alive.

- "Good morning, chipmunk!"- I stood by (Y/N)'s side and smiled as she left her things on her desk and turned to me. She just looked into my eyes, and my brain turned into mush.

- "Good morning, honey bunny. Did you sleep well? You look tired."

- "Yeah, I just got up extra early today to help Seaver, and now I was helping Derek with some files."

- "Do you need a hand?"

- "Sure!"- I didn't even analyze my answer. I just spit the words, thinking it would be amazing to spend some time with my friend, working together.

- "Hi (Y/N), how are you?"- that until her face changed completely when Seaver waved at her- "Spencer, do you want me to make your coffee?"- I froze and turned to her in silence.

- "No, thank you. I'll… just… wait a little before having another one. I just had my third cup."

- "Three cups in already"- (Y/N) narrowed her eyes and turned to her desk, giving me her back- "How long have you been awake?"

- "Not as long as Morgan, I tell you that,"- I pointed at him, walking out of Strauss's office and heading back to our conference room.

- "Let's help him, then."

(Y/N) walked quickly, and I followed closely. I wished I hadn't said no to that coffee. I really needed one to go through that morning.

During that morning, Derek questioned Sanderson again and finally took him and Rossi back to his house, trying to trigger any memory that might help us crack the case. Meanwhile, the rest of the team and I stayed back in the office, repeatedly going through the case files. So far, all we knew is that a team had attacked Sanderon's home and framed him for the murder of his wife and daughter.

The whole day, I focused on work ‘cos it's my favorite escape, and clearly, there was something more important to think of than whatever was going on with my life. But my head was killing me. The migraines were starting to get more intense, and I think they got worse the more thinking I gave to my relationship with (Y/N).

- "It sounds like we need to profile a dormant killer"- Ashle's voice surprised me when I was pouring myself a cup of fresh coffee in the kitchenette.

- "A very lucky one. He was essentially given a gift, a patsy in the form of Don Sanderson, and he'll do anything to protect that story."- I answered, thinking I didn't want to be in Sanderon's shoes, trying to clear my name of something I hadn't done.

- "When someone has a secret this big, everything becomes a lie."

Somehow, Seaver's words hit me. I'm sure she didn't mean to strike a nerve, but she did. I had been in love with my best friend for too long, and now it was starting to affect my life. I didn't want it to get in the way of work, and we were at work most of our time together. But there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to keep on faking everything was normal.

- "He'll most likely be pathological,"- I nearly choked at my own words as I tried to shake away the thoughts from my head.

- "So, we're looking for a liar in D. C. I thought we were trying to narrow this down."- Ashley tried to joke and waited for my reaction but didn't get anything. Instead, I just cut her a straight smile and walked away.

By the end of the night, Morgan had gotten the unsub. But I was still a mess. It had been the longest day in weeks, not just ‘cos I had barely slept the night before, but because I was overthinking everything that happened around me. It was exhausting.

- "Are you coming, Batsy?"- (Y/N) asked me and grabbed her bag after putting on her coat. I stood from my desk and nodded.

- "Yes, ma chère."

- "Where are you guys going tonight?"- Derek asked and smiled at us- "No. Don't tell me, planning this year's matching Comic-Con costumes"- I chuckled and probably blushed, busted.

- "We already settled those, Derek. We are way ahead of schedule this year,"- (Y/N) answered and stuck out her tongue to him.

- "(Y/N), can you give me a second before you go?"- Prentiss stood up and smiled at my friend, who just nodded and walked with her to the conference room. Derek and Seaver looked at me.

- "What?"

- "Do you know what's that about?"- Morgan questioned me.

- "I have no idea."

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "Please don't freak out,"- Emily smiled and turned to me after she closed the door behind her back- I just needed to clear the air a little bit between us.

- "What? Why? Is there something wrong?"

- "I don't know, I just feel you have been acting weird lately, and I needed to know if it has something to do with me supervising Seaver."

I nearly gasped. Not ‘cos I felt insulted but ‘cos I felt caught. I knew I hadn't been subtle about my feelings for Seaver. I just didn't want them to get in the middle of work.

- "I haven't been weird with you, Emily, and I don't think I've been acting strange."

- "Come on, you don't like Ashley, and I offered to supervise her while she works with us."

- "Yes, but neither of those has anything to do with me and you. We are friends, Emily."

- "I know, and I wanna honor that friendship, (Y/N). I love working with you. I just want you to know I'm not… I just… I'm trying to help Seaver start her career."

- "I understand that. We are ok,"- I tried to reassure her, but I knew she could read between my bullshit.

- "Do you think you could try to be a little bit nicer with her?"

- "Nicer?"

- "Yes, (Y/N). She is making an effort to get along with the team, and you've been giving her the cold shoulder since day one." -I crossed my arms on my chest, obviously annoyed and defensive.

- "I have been friendly with her, Emily. I just don't like her, and you can't force me to be her friend."

In my defense, in my mind, that argument didn't sound as childish as it did when I said it out loud.

- "Don't be selfish! Just because you are jealous, you can't deprive her of the opportunity of a lifetime with this team."

Emily's words were knives against my ego and nearly destroyed my facade. I stared into her eyes and wondered how to get out of that situation without hurting my friend. I could pretend I didn't know what she was talking about, but we both knew that was bullshit. I could actually try to tell her how I felt, but it was so humiliating I refused to open up. So instead, I just nodded and smiled at her.

- "I'm sorry that's how you see me. I'll try to be a better version of myself tomorrow,"- and needless to say, I turned around and left.

- "(Y/N), please wait,"- but I didn't stop walking. I refused to continue talking about Seaver with anyone. I refused to deal with feelings or the real world.

- "Everything ok?"- Spencer asked me the second he saw me appear by his side.

- "Yes,"

- "You are blushing. Did you and Prentiss argue?"

- "No, honey. We didn't argue. She just wanted to check on me ‘cos she was worried I was mad at her. But that's all."- Spencer just nodded and looked at me in silence.- "Why don't we just go home and forget about today, honey?"

Easier said than done.

So Seaver was getting under my skin. And it was getting harder to control. That week was hell, and I didn't want to show it. Eventually, I talked with Emily again, and I tried to explain to her I wasn't being mean with Seaver. I just didn't like her. And though I gave Emily my word to be friendlier with Ashley, the circumstances weren't really helping.

Things didn't get any better than Friday night. No, if anything, that was the night that made it all worse. Prentiss, JJ, and I got together at Garcia's house and had a few drinks before leaving for Anderson's birthday. I was making my biggest effort to have fun and ease my mind. Spencer said he wasn't sure he'd make it ‘cos he was tired, and automatically I almost turned out the whole deal, but Penelope literally dragged me to her house and put a beer in my hand.

- "You, my young lady, are going to put some makeup on, a hot dress, and we are going to party!"

- "But PG, I'm not…"- but she didn't let me out of it. Instead, she shushed me and raised an eyebrow, looking pretty convincing.

- "No "but." You are going. End of the conversation."

So she dragged me to the bar, along with Prentiss and JJ, who had left Will with little Henry to join us for what was promised to be one epic girl's night.

Anderson was so happy to see us. He was a sweetheart who was always willing to help us. I knew technically he didn't work at the BAU, but he was always there whenever we needed him. We all felt he was part of the team.

- "Sonny!!"- I yelled and hugged him tight

- "I'm so glad you girls made it!!"- and his smile was priceless- "JJ!!"- he actually yelled when he saw her and ran to give her a triple bear hug.

- "Grant Anderson!! I can't believe it's really you!!"

- "I've missed you so much!! How's Henry?"

- "So big!! I feel I haven't been out with friends in so long!"- JJ looked around, and her face kept lighting up as she recognized more friends and acquaintances from Quantico. I looked around and recognized Morgan already flirting with a woman at the other side of the bar.

- "Looks like chocolate thunder knows how to keep himself busy,"- I joked, and Garcia turned immediately.

- "Have you ever seen him shirtless?"- she asked in a lower voice and leaned a little closer to me, just to make sure no one would listen- "I'm sure it's illegal looking so good in real life."

I laughed and turned to see Prentiss walk to the bar to get us the first round of drinks. Ok, I'll admit it, I was having a great time. I know I didn't want to go at first, but spending time with my work friends and not just with Spencer was refreshing. Not that I didn't do fun things with the rest of the team, but my relationship with Spencer, I mean the friendship that pretty much looked like a relationship, consumed most of my time. But I just loved being with Reid more than anything.

But one night without him wasn't going to be the end of the world. Right?

Right.

Anderson and I danced and laughed. It was all very innocent. And though I've never considered myself a hot chick or whatever, a few guys asked if they could get me drinks, and I kindly declined. I wasn't looking for a one-night stand or anything. I just wanted to have fun with my friends.

- "And where's Reid?"- Anderson asked as we reached our table, where Prentiss and JJ were catching up and laughing.

- "Home, he said he was tired."

- "And? When are you two going to come clean about your relationship? You know, having the confirmation of your romance would be the best birthday present you could ever give me."

- "Grant Anderson, you nosy bastard!!"- I hit his arm and heard his laughter- "You know we are not dating!"

- "Come on!! I mean it! You have to get together! You are like the FBI sweethearts!!"

- "Shut your face!"- Anderson laughed even harder and took a look around the bar

- "So, if you are not dating Spencer, I have a friend who asked about you."

- "Who? What friend? Is he here?"- Garcia shouted question after question as she had overheard the whole conversation and even moved closer.

- "His name is James. He saw you on the news a few months ago, at a press conference with Rossi, and has been asking about you ever since."

I frowned and looked at Garcia, who was wide-eyed staring at Anderson. I had no idea what was going on. It was bizarre.

- "No, thank you?"- I whispered, not even sure of what I should answer at that- "I'm very flattered, Grant, but… I'm really not looking for someone right now."

- "You are not?"- Garcia asked me, and I just shook my head.

- "No, I have too much going on in my life, with work and… well… what we do…"

- "Really?"- Anderson sounded a little disappointed- "Well, in case you change your mind, James is…"

- "(Y/N)? Can I talk to you for a second?"- Garcia grabbed my arm and crawled me to a side of the bar.

- "What? What is it?"

- "Munchkin, you know I love you."

- "Yes, I love you too, PG."

- "That's why I feel like I need to be honest with you, ‘cos you've always been so sweet, and we've known each other for years now, and I feel like if I don't tell you this, you are never going to forgive me."- Penelope was nearly hyperventilating as she spoke.

- "Ok, what is it? You are scaring me."

- "You have to tell Reid how you feel."

- "What?"

- "He has to know! You have to tell him!"

- "I don't wanna talk about what, Penelope"- I tried to walk away from her, but she stopped me, grabbed my arm, and pulled me back.

- "No, (Y/N). He loves you, I'm not a profiler, I don't even play one on tv, but I am sure what I see in his eyes when he looks at you is love… ‘cos it's the same you have when you look at him!"

- "Son of a bitch!!"- the words escaped my lips as my heart nearly left my chest.

- "No, (Y/N)!"- but Garcia lost my attention that second, ‘cos all I could see was Spencer Walter Reid walking into the bar and Ashley Seaver hanging from his arm.

- "What do you want me to tell him, Garcia? To have fun with his new girlfriend?"- I pointed at the door, and her jaw nearly hit the floor.

- "Ok, no. There has to be a reasonable explanation for that!"

- "Yes, but Spencer being in love with me is not the explanation. I'm gonna get a drink."

Spencer's point of view

I was surprised to get Ashley's phone call that night. When my phone rang, I was ready to go to bed. My head was killing me. I had already scheduled an appointment with the doctor for some exams. I was starting to have a bad feeling about what those headaches really were, and I was too scared to tell anyone what was going on. Not even (Y/N).

Actually, of all people, she was the one I wanted to keep in the dark. Why? ‘Cos ever since we met she had taken care of me, I didn't think it was fair. She had taken me into her life and given me a place in it. And sometimes, I felt I was a burden. She helped me overcome all of my traumas and even my drug addiction. She introduced me to her best friends and made me part of her life. (Y/N) had taken trips with me to Las Vegas just to see my mom, ‘cos she knew it was hard for me to do it on my own. If it hadn't been for her, I would have probably spent over a year without visiting her. Now, we took a weekend to see mom every few months.

Why would I trouble her with some headaches? It wasn't fair.

When Ashley called, for a moment, I thought it might be (Y/N), asking me to pick her up. But no. It wasn't her that time.

- "Hey Spence, I'm sorry to bother you, but… are you at Anderson's party?"

- "No, actually, I'm in my house."

- "Why? I thought you were invited too."

- "Yeah, I know, and I was, but I'm kind of tired, and I wanted to come home and get some rest. Why? Are you at the party?"

- "No, but I was getting ready to go. But now I feel kind of awkward asking you."

- "What? What is it?"

- "I just… wanted to know if you could come with me. I'm so sorry, Spence, I didn't know you were tired. I just… I wanted to go to the party, but I feel kind of silly going alone. I wanted to ask Prentiss, but she left with (Y/N) and Garcia, and I felt so awkward asking…"

I wanted to groan, roll in my bed and hide under my pillow. But Ashley was the new girl, and she deserved to have some fun.

- "Don't worry, I'll take you there,"- I know I whispered my answer ‘cos I didn't really want to do it, but somehow I felt it was my duty.

- "Really?!"- and by the excitement in Ashley's voice, it was clear that was what she wanted to hear.

- "I'll pick you up in half an hour, ok?"

- "Thank you so much, Spence!!"

But when I walked into the bar, I knew I had made a mistake. I felt it in my guts. The same intuition I never followed in my personal life, only on the field.

I quickly looked around as Ashley held on to my arm tightly and walked into the bar with a big smile. I soon found Prentiss and JJ talking at a table filled with empty glasses, and my heart jumped inside my chest at the warm, familiar feeling that my friends gave me. I missed JJ very much. And not just as a team member but as a friend who had been taken away from us. (Y/N) always said I didn't know how to deal with change, neither did she, and the shifts in the team always affected me.

Soon I saw Morgan too, talking with Anderson and some other agents. Garcia had to be close then, but I couldn't see her or (Y/N) anywhere around.

- "Come on! Let's get a drink!"- Ashley said and crawled me to the bar.

- "I don't drink and drive"- I said, and she pouted.

- "Come on! You are no fun! Just one!"

- "No, just water. Thanks,"- I turned and scanned the place. Everybody was there, and they seemed to be having fun. Penelope waved and walked to me suddenly. She cut me a short smile and grabbed my arm.

- "Hey, what the hell are you doing here?"

- "I didn't want to come, but Ashley insisted and…"

- "Hi!"- Ashley appeared by our side and handed me a bottle of water- "I'm so excited to be here! We really needed to decompress after everything that happened this week, right Garcia?"

Penelope stared at us, trying to formulate an answer. I could see her making her bet to say something, but she just didn't. Instead, she just turned around and walked away.

- "Is she ok?"- I didn't know how to answer that, ‘cos Penelope's reaction surprised me. Ashley just looked around and grabbed my arm again.

- "Come on, Spencer! Let's dance!"

- "No, I don't… dance, sorry."

Lucky for me, Prentiss showed up and invited us to sit with her at her table. I don't know if she noticed I was uncomfortable, but I was glad to see her. Being in that bar made me feel pretty awkward and exposed.

I had never been much of a party person. I wasn't used to bars and gatherings until I joined the BAU. When I first met Derek, he tried to take me out a few times and be my wingman. It's obvious he failed at that mission. Meeting people at a bar is the most complicated equation I could ever try to solve. It doesn't work for me, no matter how hard Derek pushed me to do it. He said I had to rely on what made me feel comfortable. But no. It wasn't that I couldn't meet people. It was that I didn't want to meet anyone once I met the woman of my dreams. Even when I knew she could never be mine.

When (Y/N) came along, she started hosting these fun "dinner parties" with Frank, Lu, and Mikey, which changed everything. It was the first time I was hanging out with people my age doing things I actually liked doing. It wasn't about drinking or picking girls in a bar. It was about playing Jenga, or charades, eating pizza, and talking about movies and sometimes even books.

(Y/N) said her friends considered me part of the gang, which was all I ever wanted to hear. That I belonged. It's kind of sad when you think about it, but I don't care. I had never felt like I belonged anywhere, and they made me feel like I was one of them. They took me to their rock shows, and I jumped along with the crowd, knowing I wasn't an outcast there. I was with my friends.

You don't know how good that made me feel. And for years, they were my social comfort and cocoon. Then, when Rossi joined the BAU again, he started hosting fancy dinner parties at his house, and I got to hang out with the whole team without being at a bar, pushed to meet people. And it was so good. (Y/N) always said Rossi's arrival had a cohesive effect on us. Not because he brought us together, but the circumstances of his arrival and everything that happened that first year.

This team is no stranger to trauma, and that's a fact. I think Rossi's dinner parties gave us a space to be ourselves, relax, have a few drinks and enjoy our time together. I think that's when we stepped from being friends to be family.

And I hadn't had one before.

I hugged JJ tight as soon as I saw her smiling at me. I hadn't seen her ever since her goodbye party, over two months before, but we had talked on the phone a few times.

- "I've missed you so much, Spence!!"- she said and held my face with both hands- "You and (Y/N) owe me two babysit nights,"- and I laughed, thinking we promised we'd take care of Henry so she and Will could have a date, but we were called for a case.

- "Wait! It was one night!"- I argued, chuckling- "Why is it two nights now?"

- "‘Cos I lost a very exclusive reservation due to the two of you."

- "Technically, it wasn't our fault, we were called in for a case..."

I smiled and sat next to JJ, and Prentiss sat next to me. Ashley stood by the table and smiled at JJ. Right, they didn't even know each other.

- "It's very nice to meet you, Agent Jareau. The team talks very highly of you,"- she shook JJ's hand and smiled.

- "Ashley, right? Prentiss was just telling me you will be taking your remedial training at the BAU. Congratulations, it's a fantastic team to work with."

- "Thank you,"- I took a look around, still trying to find my best friend around. But it seemed useless, and I was starting to feel worried.

- "Where's (Y/N)?"- I had to ask.

- "She was with Anderson a minute ago,"- Penelope said and looked around- "I am going to look for her and bring her here in a second. I'll be right back."

And so, she was gone.

Prentiss and I pretty much interrogated JJ about her new job and the new team she worked with at the pentagon. I sipped my water and half-listened her answer, ‘cos most of my head was trying to register what was going on around me. No, actually, I was trying to find (Y/N). Penelope had been gone for half an hour looking for her, and I was starting to think something weird was going on. Besides, my head was killing me, and all I wanted was to go home. But I hadn't seen JJ in weeks, and I couldn't waste a chance like that.

Ashley talked with Prentiss too, and every once in a while, she tried to engage in conversation with me. But to be honest, I couldn't really concentrate on anything. I just wanted to know (Y/N) was alright.

- "Excuse me,"- I stood up slowly and looked at my friends- "I'm going to the bathroom, be right back."

- "Can you get us another round on our way back?"- Prentiss asked and smiled guiltily.

- "Sure."

- "Do you need help?"- Ashley tried to stand up, but Emily stopped her.

- "He got it, don't worry."

So I was left on my own. I walked around the bar. In my mind, I kept telling myself I was "looking for the bathroom," but I knew very well I was indeed trying to find (Y/N). I had been in that bar for an hour, and I still hadn't seen her. I was worried.

I walked around the bar and found Anderson. He seemed to be a little shocked to see me there but smiled and hugged me. It was weird hugging people, still. But Anderson was part of the team. It always felt like it. We had known each other for years, and somehow it was like he was in the background of our daily basics.

- "Have you seen (Y/N)?"- I asked him, and he widened his eyes- "What?"

- "Yeah, she's right there, actually… "- Grant Anderson pointed and turned around- "Later, Reid."

- "Bye"- I didn't even look at him. I just turned and looked around to see (Y/N).

But my best friend didn't notice me. She was too busy kissing some guy.

I stood in front of her, not knowing what to do. Her eyes were closed, and her arms were around his neck, so clearly, she wasn't in distress, and no matter how badly I wanted to take her from him, I just couldn't.

For a minute, I couldn't believe my eyes. I just stood there and stared at (Y/N), trying to understand what was going on. I always knew she wasn't meant to be mine, but I had never gotten such a brutal reminder. Not even when she was dating Paul. Watching her kissing someone else was shocking. The way that man put his hands on her waist and held her close to him, just like I always dreamt of doing, was painful.

Painful. That was the only word I can explain how it felt.

I stood there for a minute or so. I really don't know how long it was, but it felt long enough to burn in my memory everything I needed to torture myself with for the rest of my life. I stepped back after a minute. It might have been longer; I really can't recall. And all I managed to do was to walk out of the bar and reach my car.

I opened the door and slammed it as I sat behind the wheel. I wanted to cry and yell. But I didn't do either of those. Instead, I stayed still, staring at the nothing in front of me, trying to erase that fresh memory from my head. But it was impossible. (Y/N) was making out with some guy inside that bar, and there was nothing I could do to stop her. So I did the only thing I could do at that minute. I started the car and got the fuck out of there.

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DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @muffin-cup @shilohpug @eternalharry @tvandfanfic @fandomtrash2405

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962 @babebenhardy @meowiemari @archer561

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Next update: June 23th, 2021