#pretty swedish meatball in this case

[iceslushii]

So, I'm writing this to document what I can only assume is my sudden descent into insanity. I can't possibly be THAT bad a navigator, and yet as I write this I've been trapped in Ikea for 2 days. I haven't seen another person in the entire time I've been here. I thought it was a prank at first. Turn the place into a maze, get all the people out and see how long it takes me to get lost, then everyone has a good old laugh. Realised that wasn't the case when I tried to backtrack. Everything had changed, so I ended up lost. Instead of the exit, it was just row after row of bookcases.

So, I'm trapped in Ikea. Sounds like the setup for a bad joke. The lights went out at 10pm. Nearly gave me a fucking heart attack, that loud electrical THUNK sound and then pitch blackness. Place is full of beds though and my phone has a torch on it - but no damn signal - so I found a bed and went to sleep. Spent most of the next day trying to find my way out with no luck. Did find a restaurant serving those meatballs though, so at least I won't starve. That's probably the punchline to that joke. Anyway they were still warm and fresh, but I haven't seen anyone around who could have cooked them. Made my way back to the beds before the lights cut out again since it's too dark to search with them off.

It's 9.10am now, the lights came back on a little while ago. I'm sure I've searched the entire area around where I came in now and the exit obviously isn't here, so I'm going to pick a direction and hope for the best.

Day 3 of my magical Ikea mystery adventure. If I wasn't sure that there was something seriously weird about this place before, I am now. Walked for 3 hours in a more or less straight line (insert Ikea joke here) before I came across a ladder next to one of those huge stock shelves they have here. Climbed up to get my bearings, and it looks like this place just stretches on forever. Like that scene from the Lion King, except instead of trees and grass it was all shelves and tables and crap. I did see a person moving not too far away though, so I headed over.

Thought it was a staff member at first - it was wearing the uniform. And hell maybe it was, maybe freakish 7ft tall monsters with long arms, short legs and no faces are just the kinds of thing they want working at Super Ikea. Damn thing completely ignored me though, and with no eyes or ears I can't even be sure it knew I was there. Thought about shoving it or something to get its attention, but its hands were big enough to crush a water melon so I decided against it. It just kept moving along and eventually I lost sight of it so I decided to carry on the way I was going.

Anyway, no comfy bed for me tonight. Looks like I've entered the Improbably Hard and Pointy Table section of the store. Guess I'll have to make do with some bunched up tablecloths. Phone battery died during the day too. Didn't work anyway, but I feel like I've just lost some vital lifeline.

You ever see one of those cartoons where they're going through doors in a hallway and they just pop out of another door in the same hallway? That's how I feel right now. I've seen nothing but the same identical bookshelf for 2 days now. Just row after row after row of them. I mean, come on. I love books as much as the next guy, but this is excessive. I'm obviously still moving forwards though, I can see the signs hanging overhead passing by. Too bad none of them say "Exit".

Not sure who I was addressing that question to. Lets just say it was practice for the autobiography I'm going to write when I get out of here. I'll call it "My perfectly normal trip to a regular old Ikea".

If I ever get out o

Finally found some other people! Yeah, turns out I'm not the only poor bastard trapped in here. Lucky for me, I guess. My 6th night here, 2 of those staff things came at me in the dark. Different from the first one I saw, but still messed up. Heard them coming, they were saying that the store was closed and I had to leave the building, all nice and polite like. I'm not sure which part of that was weirder, that they don't have mouths or that they were apparently trying to kill me while they were saying it. Came at me like rabid dogs.

So, I legged it. Sprinting through ikea in the dark like a fucking madman. I saw it when I cleared another stand of those giant stock shelves, all lit up with torches and floodlights. They've built a whole town in here! Got a massive wall built out of shelves and beds and tables and whatever else. I swear to god it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Anyway I guess they saw me coming (or maybe they heard my girlish manly bellows of fear), because they had a gate open and 2 people were there waving me in. Heard the staff things slam into the gate behind me after it closed, still politely informing us all that the store was now closed. They wandered off eventually though.

They call the town Exchange, because that's whats on the sign hanging from the ceiling directly above it. Exchange and Returns. All lit up against the night using lights they've found and plugged into the power lines. And there are beds and food and people. Over 50 wonderful people with regular sized limbs and a full set of facial features. It's now my 7th night here, and the first one not spent in darkness. A full week living in Ikea. There's probably a TV show in that somewhere.

Now that I'm around other people, I'm starting to feel more normal. Maybe normal isn't the word. But after a week with only the sound of my own footsteps for company, I was becoming increasingly sure that I'd just gone nuts. That I was tied up in some padded room somewhere, banging my head against the wall. But no, I feel quite sane now, thank you very much!

Apparently there are other towns out there. Some with more people, some with less. I found that fairly mind-boggling - how can that many people go missing with no one noticing. Surely someone would have noticed that everyone who goes to ikea seems to fucking vanish. Or maybe it's not everyone. Maybe we're just the lucky ones.

The people here just call those staff monster things the Staff. Apparently they are fine during the day, minding their own business walking the aisles. As soon as those lights go out though, they go fucking bonkers. So during the day people go out to find food, water and whatever else they need. Apparently there are restaurants and shops around that randomly get restocked. No one knows how. Maybe the staff do it. Apparently they aren't very good at their jobs though because the restocking sometimes takes a while, which means the food needs to be rationed. Maybe if they weren't so busy chasing people around in the dark they'd get more done.

Anyway when night comes the staff go nuts and everyone holds up inside the walls. Apparently it's the same everywhere in this place, whatever this place is. The Ur-Ikea, from whence all other Ikeas sprang. Or maybe we're all still just in the regular ikea and this is all some fever dream brought on by mind-numbing boredom. Who knows.

Been here for 10 days now. Most of the people I asked said they stopped keeping track a long time ago and one guy, Chris, said he'd been in here for years.

Years.

[ILLEGIBLE SCRIBBLES]

Apparently there are rumours of people who do manage to get out. And of people who see the exit, only to have it vanish before their very eyes. I get the feeling not everyone believes that, but I do. Explains how we got stuck in here in the first place (sort of). And I mean, come on. Staff monsters, row after endless row of high quality Swedish furniture. I don't know why they would find a disappearing door so hard to believe in.

Anyway, I went out scavenging for food at a nearby shop with Sandra and Jerry today. Once you learn the landmarks of this place it's not so hard to navigate. The overhead signs help a lot, but there are others; not too far in the distance a huge section of those giant stock shelves has collapsed against each other and way off in the east (we all assume it's east anyway - apparently Ikea doesn't sell compasses) is some kind of tower that looks like its made of wood, reaches all the way to the ceiling. Maybe they were trying to break out through the roof. Lights up at night so there must be people there, but its apparently a few days walk (which means it must be miles away) so no one here really knows for sure. Apparently I got incredibly lucky sleeping out in the open for a week without getting ripped to bits by the staff. That's me. Lucky lucky lucky.

We found some food in the shop. Guess the staff restocked it during the night, which was nice of them. There was a telephone on the wall, so I figured I'd try it out. There was a voice on the other end, but they were just talking nonsense. Random words strung together with no real meaning. You ever see a video of someone with aphasia? Kind of sounded like that. Didn't answer me when I spoke to them anyway. Sandra says all the phones in here are the same.

Oops, asking the journal questions again!

I was thinking last night. The ceiling on this place is pretty high and as far as anyone can tell it goes on forever. Shouldn't there be some kind of weather in here? I'm sure I read about some NASA building that was so big it had its own weather patterns, with clouds and stuff. This place is definitely bigger than that, but now that I think about it I'm pretty sure I've never felt so much as a temperature change in here.

I'll add it to the Grand List of Weird Bullshit.

The staff attacked the Exchange last night. Must have been 20 or 30 of them all just asking us to leave the store calm as you like, while trying to smash the walls down with their bare hands. Apparently this happens pretty regularly, so everyone is prepared for it. Knives from the restaurants, lawn mower blades made into hatchets, a fire axe. One guy, Wasim, even made a functional crossbow. Anyway the walls have holes in them, which I hadn't noticed before, specifically so we can stab out at the staff when they attack. Took a couple of them down myself. They don't seem to bleed, which is weird, but they go down as easy as a regular person once you start sticking holes in them.

We had to haul the bodies away in the morning. Apparently the dead ones will attract more during the night, so we had to get them away from Exchange. We have a couple of those trolley things they use to move big boxes around, so we loaded them up and took them over to Pickup. Apparently people just name everything in here after whatever sign is hanging overhead.

Pickup was grisly. There were hundreds, maybe thousands of dead staff all piled up. There was no smell, which was a blessing. Apparently in addition to not bleeding, these things don't rot either. My curiosity got the better of me while we were unloading them, so I took a look at one of the more cut-up ones. They're just skin, or something that looks like skin, all the way through. No muscle, no bone, no organs. Are they even really alive in the first place? They certainly seem like they have bones when they are moving around, pounding on the walls. And I'm sure I felt more resistance than just skin when the knife went in during the night. Maybe something happens to them when they die. Just one more thing on the ever-increasing list of Weird Shit that goes on in here, I guess.

Something occurred to me, after the staff attack the other night. Every time you see a situation like this on TV or in a film, like its the end of the world or everyone is trapped on an island or whatever, once groups like ours start to form people always seem to turn on each other. Fighting for food or dominance or whatever else. That hasn't happened here. Apparently people from other towns come by from time to time, just to check in or occasionally to trade if they are short on something. But everything is always cordial. Friendly, even. Maybe its the threat of the staff, or perhaps the constant restocking of supplies in the shops means there's nothing much to fight over.

Maybe people are just better than they are generally given credit for. That's a nice thought. I think I'll go with that one.

A dozen people showed up at the gates this afternoon from a town called Trolleys. Apparently the staff broke through the walls and tore the town apart during the night. These 12 are the only survivors out of over a hundred. We let them in, obviously. One more point in the human decency column. Later, I asked if anyone knew how many of these towns there were out there. Between us and the new folks, we managed to come up with over 20 names. 20 towns filled with people, and who knows how many beyond that.

The motto for this place should be "How Is That Even Possible". Surely someone, somewhere must be looking for the thousands of people that must be in here.

I've been here for a little over 2 months now. Not that much changes, as it turns out. A couple of new people showed up, same story as the rest of us. Nice little trip to Ikea and suddenly they're trapped in Billy Bookcase's House of Faceless Weirdos. The staff attack the Exchange once or twice a week. We kill them and haul their bodies off, sometimes they hurt some of us first. They killed a guy called Jared a couple of weeks back. It was awful, frankly. Turns out regular humans still bleed in here, even if the staff don't. We tried our best, but none of us are doctors.

Jared was a good guy. He deserved better. We all do.

It occurred to me a couple of days after that, none of us were really looking for a way out of here. I don't even know where we'd start.

One of those quad copter things with a camera attached buzzed passed Exchange today. I thought it meant that someone was finally looking for us, that help was on the way. Apparently it's not the first time this has happened, though. Same thing happened a few months ago, and everyone is still here.

No idea if it saw us, it didn't stop if it did. Just kept flying until we could no longer see it.

Note: Based on recovery time of the journal, this entry appears to line up approximately with our first successful test piloting a drone inside SCP-3008-1. Analysis of footage shows a walled settlement under a sign labelled "Exchange and Returns". Attempts to relocate the settlement failed. Origin of previously sighted drones is unknown.

I started talking to people about the stuff they miss from home during dinner today. Probably not the best idea I've ever had, everyone seemed pretty down after. A bunch of people here have families. Husbands and wives, kids. Dogs. Franklin apparently has a pet llama, though I'm not sure I buy that.

But apparently some of the people here have some seriously odd gaps in their knowledge. 3 of them had never heard of the International Space Station, 2 of them seemed to think █████ ███████ was the Prime Minister, and one of them had apparently never heard of the Statue of Liberty. I believe them, too. They seemed just as confused as the rest of us.

The more I thought about it though, the more it started to explain a few things. What if the reason no one is looking for all us missing people is because we haven't all come from the same place. This is going to sound weird (maybe that should be the motto for this place) but what if all the people here have come from different dimensions? Realities? Whatever you call it. I've seen enough TV shows to know the drill. Sarah comes from a place where there is no Statue of Liberty. They didn't launch a space station where Wasim is from. If everyone here came from different places, even from ones that seem identical, there'd be no huge missing persons panic. No mass search. We'd just be a blip, a single missing person in a world of non-stop news.

Well. That was a fun train of thought.

Just realised that yesterday was the six month anniversary of my arrival here. I wonder if Ikea sells party hats. The routine around here has remained more or less the same. More new folk show up, one every couple of weeks or so. Food supplies go up and down, but we've never actually had a major shortage. Occasionally we get a visitor from one of the nearby towns, usually Checkouts or Aisle 630. We check in with each other from time to time, occasionally trade supplies if someone gets particularly low on something. It's comforting, in a way. A reminder that we aren't alone in here, some small glimmer of civilisation. Sometimes they bring medical supplies. Apparently there's a pharmacy a few towns down from Checkouts that gets restocked every now and then, so they share out what they can. I've never heard of an Ikea with a pharmacy before but at this point I wouldn't be surprised if someone stumbled on an Ikea Organ Harvesting Lab. Would certainly explain the staff.

Speaking of our faceless jailers, their attacks have been getting worse lately. 3 or 4 times a week now, with twice as many staff as there used to be. No idea where they all come from, or why the attacks have increased. We tried following one of them during the day a few weeks ago, me and Sarah. Wanted to see if they lead back to a staff room or something. Didn't seem to go anywhere though, just randomly walked through the aisles. We had to turn back before we found anything.

We've been reinforcing the walls, trying to arm ourselves better. Certainly no lack of materials to use. Wasim has been making more crossbows, but it's pretty slow going.

Too bad Ikea doesn't sell guns.

Note: No new personnel have entered SCP-3008 at Site-██ in the time span indicated in this entry.

The attacks are getting bad now. Almost every night, and with so many staff that the bodies almost pile high enough for others to climb the walls. I think we're in real trouble here.

Exchange is

I think Exchange is done. We got hit pretty bad last night. Not many casualties, but the wall is wrecked. We finally figured out why the attacks had been escalating, too. A box of supplies had a chunk of one of the staff in there. No idea how it happened but apparently a piece of one will draw them as well as a full body. Too late now in any case, there's too many bodies for us to haul away and still have time to fix the wall before night. Candace has called a meeting. I suspect there will be talk of abandoning Exchange, maybe try and get shelter at Checkouts or something.

It's already getting late though. I don't think we'll have time to make it. Maybe some of us will. I was fine for that first week out in the dark, after all. But then, how often can I keep getting lucky.

I'm only writing this for a sense of closure, I guess. For me, or for anyone who finds this. If this is the final entry here, I hope whoever is reading this is doing so from outside of this place.

My biggest fear? If I do die tonight, I'll just wake up here again in the morning.

Note: This is the last entry. It is assumed that while attempting to reach the "Checkouts" settlement he was separated from the rest of his group by a pursuing SCP-3008-2 instance and happened upon the exit.

We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I A full commitment's what I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this from any other guy I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it Inside we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it And if you ask me how I'm feeling Don't tell me you're too blind to see

Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give, never gonna give (Give you up) We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it Inside we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye

[dontasktheradiodemon]

Hardboiled In Hellkia

Alastor and Telly @usedhearts get DISGUSTINGLY DOMESTIC and shop for furniture at Ikea.

And by "shop for furniture" I mean "break in during the night to steal furniture." And by "Ikea" I mean "the Hell version of Ikea, which is laid out exactly the same as the Earth, except they have antique Louis XIV style ebony desks and elaborately-embellished crystal-studded red velvet chaise lounges."

They also take the opportunity to convince the Egg Bois that Alastor isn't a threat by casually letting them witness just how much Alastor really likes their boss. It succeeds too well. The Eggs catch them making out. Repeatedly.

Also featuring: Alastor and Telly not shutting up, at all, for a second, about anything. They talk about everything from "what were your religious beliefs like before you died" to "what if we made a machine that produces emoji-shaped pasta."

Alastor

Midnight in Hellkia—which is exactly the same as regular Ikea except along with the normal stores with furniture made of particleboard, there's also the rare disgustingly expensive store where every piece of furniture is a one-of-a-kind designer piece, and the dining area is covered in white tablecloths and lit by candlelight. You can still get those Swedish meatballs, though. Not everything in Hell sucks.

Naturally, when the store was closed at night, the doors and windows were bristling with motion sensors and alarms—which was why Alastor wasn't using them. Instead, a portal opened in the lobby, allowing him, Sir Pentious, and several particularly trusted Egg Bois to enter the store. "Last stop, everybody off the ride!" He waited until they were through, then turned to peer into the dark store. "Now let's see, where to start..."

Telly

Telly slithered out of the portal, none the worse for wear-- he really was getting used to travelling that way, amazingly. The Eggs, however, hadn't fared so well. Three of them were on their backs groaning, one was just sitting there staring at his hands, and the last one, well....he was vomitting on the floor. How that was possible, Telly didn't know.

"OH COME NOW, PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER!" He commanded, hands on his hips. The Egg Bois slowly collected themselves and lined up, standing at attention. The five that had lasted the longest. Numbers 9, 22, 14, 36, and 69. His most trusted Eggs. Telly nodded to the Eggs and they fell in behind him.

"Alright, Alastor, this is for your room, so-- where to first?" He asked, still in his commanding Sir Pentious pose.

Alastor

It took him a moment to answer—he just discovered this place had maps, folded up in little pamphlets next to the door. Why did it have a *map*—Oh. Oh that's why. Wow.

"Goodness, look at this." He put a hand on Telly's shoulder and held out the map. "I feel like a minotaur in a maze."

Telly

Telly leaned his head to look at the map, inspecting it. He let out a low whistle. "At least it's organized. Not all willy-nilly. So, do you think chairs first, or tables? Oh, there's a whole section for lamps." He turned to flick his tongue at Alastor's cheek.

Alastor

He tilted his head closer to let Telly flick his cheek, and traced his finger along the map's recommended route through the store. "Looks like if we take the scenic route, we'll pass by the shelves and bookcases before we reach the chairs and tables. I'm going to need bookcases too, what do you think? Go the long way?" He fluttered his eyelashes adoringly. "Take a lovely midnight stroll together?"

Telly

"Mm! Yes, I'd be more than happy to take a lovely midnight stroll with my hart through the Hellkea." He batted his eyes back at him, before kissing his cheek.

"Oh!" He snapped at one of the Eggs-- #14-- and held out his hand. 14 put a little wallet in his hand and he popped it open. He pulled out a rifle bullet and smiled at Alastor. "I brought the tracking bullets! So that if we find something you like, but aren't sure about it, we can mark it with one of these and then circle back!"

Alastor

"Well, aren't you smart!" As if Alastor didn't already know that. "How many do we have to play with?"

Telly

Telly did a quick count. "Twenty five! I made quite a number of these, they're easy. To activate them you just--" He held one upright and then twisted the tip of the bullet. Alastor would be able to sense the signal, but it made no other indication that it was active.

Alastor

He could feel it the moment it came out, like a very near very weak radio station, signal on but broadcasting dead air. "Brilliant!" He slid an arm around Telly to squeeze him affectionately. "And I can't wait to see the wonderful toy you're making me to go with these."

Telly

"I think you'll like it." He smirked, winking at him. He turned the bullet off and put it back into the wallet, handing it to #14 again.

"Just let 14 know when you'd like to mark something, he'll take care of it. Won't you, 14?" He looked down at the Egg.

"Yessir, Mr. Bossman!" 14 saluted and then gave a thumbs up.

Telly looped an arm around Alastor's waist, kissing his cheek again. "Shall we, my love?"

Alastor

For a second, he'd almost been able to forget the eggs were there at all. He nearly pulled back from Telly on instinct, but tightened his hold again. Being witnessed was... still new.

"Let's." A returned kiss, and he led the way into the furniture labyrinth.

Telly

First on the tour of Hellkea, it was the living room section. Look at all those fancy couches, and shelves, and other things that belong in living rooms! Telly grinned, turning to look at Alastor.

"Well, I know what _I_ like but this is for you, so, anything look good to you?"

Alastor

Look at all of those couches. Each one was thousands upon thousands of dollars—hand carved wood and brocade and leather... And he could take his pick of them, couldn't he?

"I don't know if I'm going to need a couch, really. It's not going to be that kind of room." So he said, but he immediately settled himself down on one of the couches to see how it felt. "You know, I don't know if I've ever been in a furniture store like this! I've never really needed to... to furnish a place before."

Telly

Telly nodded, slithering over to sit next to him-- as well as he could. It took a lot of manuvering to get it done but he did it.

"Yes, it can be overwhelming! Do you want me to help any? I've furnished many a place before. I know we need a desk and a work table, perhaps some nice comfy chairs for reading? Or a couch like this, if you prefer. We could also get a couch for a sitting room, I plan on adding one eventually. Once I have others for holding supplies and whatnot."

Alastor

"Maybe, maybe. I don't know if I need help *now,* just... Well, I've only ever seen the inside of a big furniture store like this in picture shows! It's... exciting, I suppose!" Exciting and weirdly emotional, this transition back into a world he'd cut himself off from—a world with things like welcome mats and hand towels and spaces that were used by *residents* rather than *customers* and furniture for the exclusive use of one person.

"A sitting room. Yes, a couch would be nice, if we happen to find one we like." He looked around at the available couches. "We could keep it on the bridge until we have the room set up for it."

Telly

"I was thinking just the same. Somewhere for you to sit while I play." He grinned, leaning over to kiss Alastor's cheek again.

"Maybe one a little more snake friendly than this one, my tail's already complaining at this position." Telly chuckled. He stood and slithered over to a couch with a back but only one arm-- like a lounge seat but with added bits.

"I like this..." He draped himself over it and purred.

Alastor

"I kind of like standing two inches behind you while you play." Alastor stood to follow Telly.

Seeing Telly draped over a chaise lounge was such a natural sight—and such a familiar one, even if not familiar due to *this* snake—that it almost hurt his heart to see.

"You look good on it." He bent over to kiss Telly's forehead. "How about this: I'll check out the bookcases while you try out the sofas to see which ones are comfortable enough for you, and then I'll try out your picks to see what we both like?"

Telly

Telly smiled at the forehead kiss, then nodded. "Alright, that works. Take a couple of the Eggs with you, just in case you find something perfect so they can disassemble it."

He looked over at the Eggs, stroking his chin. "NINE, FOURTEEN, AND SIXTY-NINE, GO WITH ALASTOR. DO WHATEVER HE SAYS, TREAT HIS WORD AS MINE."

The Eggs didn't look exactly happy about it, but they saluted and went to gather by Alastor. Telly, meanwhile, got up to slither over to another chaise.

Alastor

"I was just about to kidnap fourteen to get those bullets." He squeezed Telly's shoulder, checked his map, and gestured to the eggs to follow him. "All right, boys—let's march!"

As he walked, he got himself ready for the furniture hunt ahead: pulling his grimoire out of his travel trunk dimension, sliding out a few papers he'd tucked into the grimoire, and stowing the grimoire again so he had room to flap the papers and let them unfold themselves into a paper model of his room-to-be. Only walls and floors, with the door and window drawn on with pencil, but having a scale model helped him figure out what he was doing.

With that set up, he beamed down at the eggs following him. "Well, isn't this a fun little excursion!" It was pretty clear that they were not, in fact, having fun at all.

Telly

No they weren't. Or, well, two of them weren't. Sixty-nine  at least kept a more neutral Eggpression, but Nine was outright glaring. It seemed he expected, as the favored Egg, to stay with Sir Pentious. But then there was Fourteen, who was positively beaming.

"Where to first, Mr. Radioman?" Fourteen asked, little hands wrapped around the wallet of tracker bullets. It seemed that having a job, even if it was just holding the bullets, made him happy to do anything else.

Alastor

Well, at least one of the Eggs was in a good mood! Alastor favored the other two with an extra wide smile. He knew he should be trying to get along with them, but he couldn't resist the urge to irritate them a little.

"'Shelving units'!" He put finger quotes around the term, leaving his model of the room to hover by itself, then glanced around. "Which so far seems to mean 'stands for oversized TVs,' doesn't it?" He tutted. But what a wide variety of styles they came in! Most of the TV stands looked boringly "sleek" and modern, but just getting this far had led them past example living rooms that would have been fit for anyone from a rococo duchess who'd bought up half the silk in Europe to a corrupt oil baron with a leather fetish. Hopefully the bookcases would be similarly diverse.

"We're going to want a large matching set of bookcases! I'm lining both walls! The sophisticated study look! Ebony would be ideal, but any wood that's good for protection and deflection will do!" Alastor they're not gonna know what woods those are, they're eggs.

Telly

Sixty-nine and Nine shared a look-- a look that said they didn't know what woods those were, and they were rather irritated at having to do what Alastor said. Sixty-nine, however, still saluted and ran off to start looking over the bookshelves. Nine split off to go in the other direction, spreading out to cover more ground. No salute from him.

Fourteen stayed by Alastor, smiling back up at him. "I should stay by you, Mr. Radioman, in case you need to mark something with these!" He held the wallet of bullets over his head, like he was presenting them.

Alastor

He caught that look. Ah, right. "Just let me know if you find any large bookcase sets, I'll worry about the wood!" Who knew how thorough a job they'd do, though. Alastor might have to go through after them to double-check.

Now came the hard part of the trip: attempting to bond with the eggs.

"A fine idea!" Fourteen got a pat for that. "At least *you're* not waiting to bolt off at the first opportunity, are you?"

Telly

Fourteen blinked at the pat, momentarily confused-- what was that? Positive attention? A little pat just for him? Oh, look at those eyes go all big, and his smile could rival Alastor's own. Seemed he got the approval of one Egg-- though, considering he'd already been pretty pleased by things, who's to say if it's more that or Alastor. Or if it'll last.

"Don't mind Nine and Sixty-nine, Mr. Radioman. They don't like you because of what the other Mr. Radioman did! They remember...." He seemed to recall something and his smile turned into a frown, though it was more sad than angry.

"I do, too..." He said, as if he really had only remembered just now.

Alastor

Alastor's smile thinned. "Yes, well. The *other* Mr. Radioman has poor taste!" He raised his voice a tad, hoping maybe the other two eggs felt like eavesdropping. "I can't undo what he did, but I'm certainly going to do everything in my power to fix it! And they don't need to take my word for it—all they have to do is watch and see."

Telly

That brightened Fourteen's disposition again and he smiled back up at Alastor. "Okie-dokie!"

He toddled after Alastor, humming tunelessly until another thought appeared in his empty shell. "I think you already make Mr. Bossman happy! He smiles a lot more when you're around!"

Alastor

"Does he!" Don't mind the sappy-happy background music that spontaneously turned itself on. "Good! There's nothing I like more than to see him smiling!"

Telly

"Yeah! I like to see him smile, he has such a handsome smile." Fourteen sighed wistfully, giving a pretty dopey smile himself.

"What else do you like about Mr. Bossman, Mr. Radioman?"

Alastor

"Doesn't he just!" Aside from the fangs, Alastor's smile didn't look very much less dopey. Typically, mooning over Sir Pentious in a conversation on the same intellectual level as *an Egg Boi* would be humiliating—but Alastor's whole goal was to get on their level, wasn't it? He was trying to wiggle his way into their good graces. So he gave himself permission to not feel self-conscious as he gushed freely. "Why, what *don't* I like about him! The way he slithers... the way he laughs... his ruthless, devious schemes... his utterly awe-inspiring engineering mind... his stunning sense of style... I could go on!" (He might have remotely activated his phone to start recording his gushing for Telly.)

Telly

"Oh! Yes, I like all those things too! He's very smart and talented and handsome! He's the best!" Fourteen beamed as he did a little dance while he walked-- just bouncing from foot to foot.

"He's so very handsome!! And his style, yes! It makes me happy to be able to wear clothes kind of like his!!"

Alastor

"Smart, talented, handsome—*and* he has his minions wearing matching pinstripe suits! The attention to detail! How many other overlords have that kind of consistency in their workforce's style? Not very many!" He sighed wistfully, "I suppose I'll eventually be wearing a gold and grey suit too, won't I? Someday when the alliance is public!"

Telly

"I think you'd look handsome in it, too!" Fourteen tapped his shell where regular people had a chin.

"Your eyes would stand out, but with your hair like that it'll work!!" He smiled again. Fourteen fell quiet, plodding along with Alastor.

"Do you have a favorite part of Mr. Bossman, Mr. Radioman? I like Mr. Bossman's tail! It's so shiny and smooth! Me and the other four here tonight, we're the ones who get to help Mr. Bossman scrub off all the grease! We're special." Fourteen laughed.

"We get to touch him, it's such an honor!"

Alastor

"Maybe that will help keep people's eyes up where they belong! All gray except for the eyes and the lips."

Alastor had, by this point, so successfully gotten un-self-conscious that he'd essentially completely forgotten he was talking to an egg. He hadn't realized how desperate he was for somebody to gush to. "Oh, goodness, favorite part!" He stopped walking, distracted from checking tags to see what wood each bookcase was made from to close his eyes, summon up a shadow in vaguely the same shape as Sir Pentious, and see where his hands went. "His tail *is* lovely—where the contrast in his scale colors is the sharpest, and those stripes, and watching how he *moves*... And I'm incredibly fond of his mouth, of course, fangs and tongue alike... But, I think..."

When his hands finally stopped moving across the shadow—over hips, waist, chest, shoulders, ribs—he was rested holding the shadow in a loose embrace, hands on its back, cheek to its shoulder, lips hovering over its collarbone as he spoke. "His back." He slightly turned his face and his lips into the shade's throat. "Or perhaps his neck. I always seem to end up here." Yeah he's definitely forgotten who he's talking to.

Telly

Fourteen watched this whole display with a sort of awe only and Egg Boi could display.

"Oh, golly, you're right, Mr. Radioman! Mr. Bossman has so many wonderful parts! I like the way his hood flares all big when he's proud of something! Oh, and his cackle! And the way all his eyes follow you when you move around his tail!"

Good job, Alastor, you got the Egg gushing too. Fourteen sighed dreamily, hugging the wallet of bullets to himself.

"You kiss him, don't you, Mr. Radioman? What's it like?"

Alastor

Alarms went off in Alastor's head as he IMMEDIATELY REMEMBERED WHO HE WAS TALKING TO OH NO—no wait this was the plan. That was what Telly said: the Eggs would respect Alastor if they knew he was physical with the boss. (Which was *ridiculous*, but that was par for the course with the Eggs.) Everything was going according to plan. Anyway, Alastor and Telly were getting a lot freer with the nuzzles and light smooches in front of the Eggs, it wasn't like they *wouldn't* notice.

The shadow poofed away now that its job was done; it didn't feel like Telly, anyway. "Yes! Yes. I do kiss him. It's like..." He was all prepared to talk about how it was like what he imagined Heaven must feel, it was like tearing into the tenderest raw meat and feeling the blood spill down his chin, it was like those rare bright beautiful moments as a child when he'd had the communion wafer placed on his tongue and been sure he could feel himself swallowing God...

And then he remembered who he was talking to. So he said, with great solemnity and importance, "It's like the most delicious thing you've ever tasted, but a hundred times better."

Telly

Fourteen nearly swooned at that, clutching the wallet tighter against him, for the support. An emotional support wallet.

"Oh, golly gosh, it sounds wonderful." Was the Egg blushing? The Egg was blushing. Oh, and then he lifted the wallet to cover his little Egg face, that was kind of cute.

"You're very lucky to be able to kiss Mr. Bossman!"

At that moment, Nine came trotting back over. He glanced between Fourteen's euphoria and Alastor, squinting.

"Mr. Radioman, I think I found a set of shelves for you."

Alastor

"Oh, I certainly am! The luckiest man in Hell!"

Ah, back to business. Hopefully that gossip would spread like wildfire among the Egg Bois. (... And hopefully no further.) Alastor stopped his phone's recording and texted it to Telly—he deserved to hear his partner-in-crime make an utter fool of himself flattering Telly. "Lead the way, my good Egg!"

Telly

Nine turned to trot back the way he'd come, pointing out the shelves. "I couldn't find ebony, but these ones are red."

They were mahogany to be precise, and it was quite a set, about ten full sized bookshelves.

Meanwhile, Telly lounged, hard at work trying sofas. He saw the audio file and turned his phone down low to listen. He snickered at it, but another part of him was flattered.

He handed off his phone to Thirty-six to take a picture of him dramatically sprawled over the couch he was trying.

He inspected the picture-- it was a good one. He captioned it with 'kiss deprived' and sent it off to Alastor.

Alastor

"Oho! Aren't these handsome!" He examined the bookcases critically. "Nice little decorative flourishes... Mahogany isn't the strongest shield, but it's sturdy; I can put some wards on the back panels and line any shelves I put something volatile on... and I *do* like the color..." He pulled a tailor's measuring tape from his pocket, handed it to a shadow to measure the dimensions of one of the bookcases, and glowing red projections of the bookcases appeared inside Alastor's paper room. "They're a few inches shorter than the ceiling, good... A little wide to fit all ten on the walls... I could take eight, *or* put the other two on either side of the door..." He beamed at the eggs. "I'd call these solid contenders! One bullet, please!" He wasn't going to be done until he'd finished examining all the available options, but these were well worth marking for later.

He couldn't sneak a look at his phone until after he'd checked out the bookcases. His grin widened. That poor man, all alone and suffering! "You two keep browsing, I'll catch up with you in a minute. The boss has requested I report in." He vanished into a shadow.

And reappeared in the sofa section. Now, where was Telly sprawled?

Telly

Fourteen handed him a bullet to mark the bookcase and saluted when he went. Right before Alastor transported, he could see Fourteen start whispering to Nine immediately. Seemed like the plane was working.

Telly, meanwhile, had unsprawled and was commanding the two Eggs with him to deconstruct a couple chaise lounges and a couch. But when he spotted Alastor he immediately threw himself back onto the chaise he'd been on, properly dramatic.

Alastor

Three seats? They were getting ready to entertain a whole party, weren't they?

Alastor smirked as he caught sight of Telly flopping back down, and then got properly dramatic himself. "Oh, look at you! You poor, deprived thing!" He clutched his chest as he walked up to Telly's chaise, monologuing the whole way. "How it pains my heart to see you suffering like this! What a fool I was to leave you behind!" He stopped in front of Telly, bent down over him... and caught himself with his hand on the armrest, pressing his other hand to the back of his forehead. "Oh, if only there was *something* I could do to help you! Anything at all to ease your torment!"

Telly

Telly had kept his eyes closed for the speech, but cracked one open at that last line.

"Kisses...." He said, voice purposefully soft. "Only kisses can save me..."

Alastor

He dropped to his knee and clutched Telly's hand in both his own, as if he was at a loved one's deathbed. "Then you can still be saved? Oh, but will *my* kisses be enough? After I so callously abandoned you, darling, how could I possibly be the one to save you?" The heaviest of broken-hearted sighs. "But! I'll do my best." He kissed Telly's knuckles. "For you, *mon roi,* I must." Then the back of his hand, then his wrist.

Telly

Telly was smiling by the kiss to the back of his hand, and almost giggling at the wrist kiss. His eyes fully opened and he purred, looking down at Alastor with all the love that could fit into the face of a snake man.

Alastor

He continued to trail kisses up Telly's arm, every few pecks stopping to add to his laments: "To think! It's all my fault you're in this condition! I'll never forgive myself! At the vary least—dare I dream?—I might yet earn your forgiveness, my darling..." He trailed off as his kisses crossed from Telly's collar to his throat.

Telly

He'd been restraining giggles the whole way-- until Alastor reached his throat. That earned a soft gasp, and a tilting of his head to invite more.

"I think I can be presssuaded to forgive you, sshould you continue like that...."

Alastor

"*Anything* to redeem myself in your beautiful eyes." He was hamming it up like nobody's business. He was gonna earn a Tony for this performance. He still hadn't let go of Telly's hand, instead now holding it up to his own face, gently encouraging Telly to wrap around him. And his kisses trailed up, up, up Telly's throat, to his jaw, to the corner of his mouth, to... his cheek, to his temple, to his forehead...

Telly

Telly didn't need any encouragement to cup Alastor's cheek, nor to wrap his hand around and hold his head. The giggles almost returned at the kisses all over his face, but he did pout a bit at Alastor teasing so close to his mouth.

"I think I need mouth to mouth, it's the only thing that can save me now." He grinned.

Alastor

"Are you *sure?*" Alastor asked, teeth grazing the edge of Telly's hood. "Well. I suppose you're the expert..." Back down to press the lightest, most chaste kiss to Telly's lips.

Telly

The hood shivered under the kiss-- Oh that felt interesting. Alastor had never kissed his hood before. But then there were lips on his lips and he chased the kiss with more of his own. The hand around Alastor's head kept him close-- no getting away now!

Alastor

"More?" Alastor murmured. "Are you sure? In your condition, I'd hate to overwhelm you with too much too fast." But he was losing the battle to act aloof, nipping at Telly's lips between words.

Telly

Telly didn't respond, except to kiss him more, his free hand gripping Alastor's coat to make his hold even more secure. He pulled Alastor closer, mouth opening for him, tongue flicking to invite him.

Alastor

Alastor lost the battle to keep acting goofy. He pressed into the kiss, half standing to slide a knee onto the chaise, holding himself up with one arm and wrapping the other under Telly's shoulders.

Telly

Telly whined softly into his mouth, the hand clutching his coat releasing to slide underneath. His claws dug into Alastor's side, squeezing briefly before moving to the small of his back, pressing there to push him closer. His other hand tangled into Alastor's hair, his fangs dragging against his lip.

Alastor

He shuddered at the claws digging into him, and automatically slung his leg over Telly's tail so that he could lay fully atop him. What he wouldn't give to stay right here, doing exactly this, for the next, oh... twelve hours or so...

... And hope the employees coming in decided not to say anything about it, right? Yeah, *that* was likely. He eventually broke the kiss with a sigh, nuzzled Telly's cheek, and murmured, "We should get this sofa. I like this sofa."

Telly

"Mm, I like it, too." Telly purred, nuzzling back, his tongue flicking against Alastor's cheek. "We should definitely get it. Everyone needs a good kissing couch."

He snickered and turned his head-- and his eyes widened. There were five Eggs just staring at them. Telly had forgotten he'd even brought Eggs Bois, so wrapped up in kissing.

"Uh....Alastor...."

Alastor

Alastor's head whipped around to face whatever threat Telly had just spotted—*oh.* He stared at them.

They stared at him.

He said, extremely casually, "Well hi, boys!"

Telly

"Hi, Mr. Radioman," They said in unison. Telly covered his mouth with his hand, lest he start laughing-- and failed step one, he started laughing just the MOST loudly.

Alastor

Okay. Well. Could be worse. Thank goodness they'd already decided to tell the Eggs.

Alastor very carefully climbed off of Telly and started straightening out his clothes. "So! I take it you finished with the shelving section!"

Telly

Fourteen perked up. "Yes! We found a couple more sets that we thought you might like and I put the trackers on them for you!"

Telly also sat up and straightened his suit, getting Hattie from where he'd fallen in Telly's haste to be dramatic. He plopped him back on and crossed his arms.

"GOOD! NOW ALL FIVE OF YOU CAN GET TO DECONSTRUCTING THIS COUCH!" He stood and pointed at the one he'd been sitting on. He turned to Alastor then and his voice softened.

"Darling, would it be better to transport things in one big batch, or in smaller loads?"

Alastor

"Oh! Stupendous." He *could* sense the trackers. He should have been able to earlier, if he hadn't been ridiculously distracted. "I'll check them out in a moment."

He surveyed the disassembled furniture. "Smaller loads, I think. We can go section by section."

Telly

"Alright, then, I think once they have this one disassembled, then that should be good for couches. You can do that and then we can both go look at the other shelves Fourteen marked, yes?" He grinned, putting his hand on Alastor's shoulder.

The Eggs got to work, with a few pointed looks and whispers, but otherwise quietly.

Alastor

"Yes, right! Very good idea!" A nod. Look at him, the *most* dignified and serious.

After a moment, he asked, "Why so many couches?"

Telly

"Well, I wanted a chaise lounge in your room so that I could just....hang out and watch you work sometimes. And then I wanted at least two for the future sitting room. And then the kissing couch, for kissing, of course." He smirked.

"The ones for the sitting room will go into storage until we need them, and then the kissing couch can go on the bridge along with the one I picked for your room, until we get everything else settled in there."

Alastor

"Well! Let me see the one you picked for my room—I'll have to make sure it doesn't, you know, throw things off." Although he rather liked the idea of Telly lounging around watching him work. "What kind of wood is it?"

Telly

"Mahagony! And it's got a lovely red velvet. Come see, I told the Eggs not to break that one down until you saw it." He slithered over to a very fancy looking red velvet chaise, the wood carved intricately.

Alastor

"Oh, well, that'll work out if I go with the mahogany bookcases." He flopped on it to try it out; he'd probably be using it more often than Telly, after all. "It's comfortable enough."

Telly

Telly coiled near it, his hands running over the velvet as he purred. "It's so soft....I like that. Feels nice against my scales."

Alastor

"I'm not much for velvet, but if I can't stand it, I can toss a decorative hide over it that you can move when you visit." He rolled over, crossing his arms on the armrest and kicking his feet in the air. "Looks like the kind of thing you'd find in a vampire's manor, doesn't it?" He winked. "*Very* dramatic."

Telly

He grinned and winked back, and then moved Hattie off his head. "Well, I _do_ have the widow's peak for it!" He snickered.

"I have to go for the most dramatic pieces, you know this." Telly leaned up to kiss him. "If you'd rather, though, there's a similar piece that's leather instead? The wood is rosewood stain on oak, too, so still red!"

Alastor

"No no, if it's for *you* to sit on, you can pick the one you like the feel of!" Alastor smiled crookedly. "Anyway, at the low price of *free,* what does it hurt to get the velvet one?"

Telly

"You're sweet." Telly took Alastor's face in his hands and kissed him softly.

"After the couches and shelves, what about a reading chair for you?"

Alastor

"You read my mind." He beamed at Telly. "And *that* one's going to be leather."

Telly

"Yes! Absolutely. A nice, soft leather, I'm sure they have many of them." He nodded. The Eggs rushed over and stood there, waiting for Alastor to get up from the couch.

Alastor

He stood and offered his elbow to Telly. "So! Back to the bookcases?"

Telly

"Back to bookcases!" He took Alastor's arm and then turned back to the Eggs.

"MEET US THERE AFTER YOU'RE DONE HERE!" He paused. "Wait, Alastsor, we need to transport these first."

Alastor

"Oh! Right." He snapped his fingers and opened a portal in the middle of the couch section. "Just holler when you're ready for me to close it." He nodded to Telly. Ready.

Telly

"Mr. Radioman? It won't hurt us, will it?" Fourteen asked, looking warily at the portal.

Alastor

"No, no, nothing to worry about! It's completely harmless. You won't even have to pass through any other dimensions! It's just bending space a little!" This was probably meant to be reassuring.

Telly

"So, we don't get hurt if one of us accidentally falls in?" Nine asked as he leaned over to look into it.

Alastor

Eggs. "There's nowhere to fall in! You can step right over from one floor to the other, no breaks! It just looks a little fuzzy from this side. Think of it like walking through a curtain!"

Telly

"Oh, ok!" Twenty-two said. The Eggs all picked up pieces and started to haul them through the portal.

"MAKE SURE YOU DON'T MIX THEM UP. KEEP THE PILES SEPERATED!" Telly called after them.

"Don't worry about them, they're just wary of portals after the hotel incident."

Alastor

Alastor's smile wilted slightly. "Right." That. And how was Alastor's own Sir Pentious doing? He didn't have anyone to help him rebuild like Telly did.

Don't worry about it. "Bookcases!" he said firmly. "And keep your eyes peeled for any reading chairs on the way!"

Telly

"Bookcases!" Telly slithered along, but he _had_ noticed that small wilting. No need to dwell on it, though, they just needed to keep going.

"Oh, look!" Telly pointed, spying a display of highbacked chairs.

Alastor

Glad for the distraction, Alastor looked them over thoughtfully. "Nnno, not quite like that. These chairs are built like Laurel, and I'm after Hardy. What we're after is a chair so comfortable, a child could fall asleep in its seat—and slowly sink into the cushion like quicksand, never to be seen again."

Telly

Telly nodded, but still paused there, looking longingly at the chairs. "Those aren't very comfortable for me as I am now, but I used to love sitting in chairs like those when I read, when I was alive."

He sighed and started to move away. "Let's find something more comfortable for you, then."

Alastor

"I'm afraid they're too dignified for me," Alastor said. "Sure, in public I'll sit with poise and elegance, but that's for the benefit of an audience! *This* is going to be *my* room, and I intend to read as disgracefully as possible."

Telly

"Oh, disgraceful reading? How avant garde!" Telly snickered. He looked around and spotted some other chairs that looked large and plush.

"What about those?"

Alastor

"It'll be the new hot thing," Alastor said, winking. "My mother used to see me curled up with ghost stories and say, 'Ally, are you a contortionist or a cat?' Ha!"

He stopped to survey this new crop of armchairs. "Now, that's what I'm talking about!" He let go of Telly so he could dart between them, squishing the cushions with his hands to see how soft they were.

Telly

Telly laughed, looking at his partner-in-crime darting about like a child in a candy store. He slithered over to one that was red leather and looked at its plaque, humming.

"This one's genuine cow leather from up above."

Alastor

"Is it!" Alastor immediately darted over to look. "That looks like the kind of chair a rich man with a drug addiction would own in the eighties. He'd sit here drinking a highball and staring out his window at the Miami skyline while his wife leaves with the kids." This wasn't an insult. He tested the cushion, then plopped down in the chair. Then tugged his feet up into the chair with him and turned sideways. After a moment of contemplation, he summoned up his grimoire, flipped it open to a random page, and tested out how easily it fit on his lap in this position. "It's a strong contender!"

Telly

Aww, look at how cute Alastor looked getting into his reading position! Telly couldn't help but lean down to kiss his cheek. He slithered over to continue looking and hummed. He spotted one and tilted his head as he moved over to it.

"Hm, this one is nice. More my style than yours, though, I think." It was black leather and wood with gold accenting. And the leather.... Telly checked the plague and almost started laughing.

"_Alastor, this one's crocodile leather!_"

Alastor

"Is it!" Alastor scrambled out of his seat to come see. "Well, I'll be! Usually it's cow leather textured like crocodile skin, but I think that's the real deal! This here is a million dollar chair." He checked the plaque to see what it actually cost, and his eyes shot wide. "Close enough. Woof."

Telly

"Well, good thing we're not _paying_ for anything, hm?" He grinned and winked at Alastor. "I think we ought to take it just on principle, don't you?"

Alastor

"We should absolutely take it on principle." He looked around. "Where are our bullets?" The store PA system briefly crackled to life. "Number fourteen to the armchairs, if you please."

Telly

It only took about a minute for Fourteen to find them. He saluted Alastor and smiled. "Reporting for duty, Mr. Radioman, sir!"

Telly chuckled as Fourteen dug a bullet out of his wallet of them and held it out. Telly plucked it from his hand and twisted it, activating the tracker before setting it on the chair.

"Did you want to mark the other one too?"

Alastor

"Yes! I was just going to ask." He took another and set it on the chair he'd found, then dove back into exploring the other chairs.

Telly

Telly smiled again, and then looked down at Fourteen. "Are the others done loading things?"

"Almost, Mr. Bossman!"

"Good, go back and tell them to come meet us here or at the bookshelves if we're not here any longer."

Fourteen saluted again and toddled off.

"Find anything else, love?" Telly called.

Alastor

"Maybe!" He'd plopped himself in a chair shaped vaguely like a baseball glove. He crawled out of it and directly into a squishy circular chair without touching the ground. Absolutely zero dignity, only glee.

Telly

"Good, good. Fourteen and the rest will be back soon." Telly slithered over to another circular chair. He inspected it before slithering in and coiling up. It fit him well, and gave him room to grow, even. He started to purr as he got comfortable.

"I think I found a good one for me."

Alastor

"Round is the new square, apparently!" Okay, test done. He hopped up. "I'm going to check out the other bookcases the niners found, can you make sure those other two get bullets on them when the eggs catch up?" He'd already been excited when they arrived, but now he was practically buzzing with eagerness and antsy to hurry on to his next destination.

Telly

"Of course, I'll catch up with them." Telly smiled, giving a little wave as he settled back into the seat. It wasn't but a few minutes later that the Eggs arrived. Telly set them to marking the ones that Alastor had tested, before vacating his own to mark as well.

The group of one snake and five eggs arrived at the bookshelves, and Telly looked around. "Alastor?" He called.

Alastor

"Here!" He waved between a couple of rows. "I found a couple of bookcases with some *gorgeous...* Oh, what do you call it, the decorative whats-it with the wood." He gestured, summoning up illustrative swirls of red light to form floral flourishes and stylized animals. "But they're clearly designed to be stand-alone pieces, they've got legs on them, they don't match anything here—but don't let me forget! When we're filthy rich and all of Hell answers our every beck and call, I'm hiring a woodworker to decorate my bookcases!"

Telly

Telly slithered over, Eggs trotting behind and raised a brow. "You mean embellishments? Yes, of course. You know, I think your alternate from here carves things. I'm not sure if he does wood, but...."

Alastor

He snapped his fingers, embellishments! "Oh, I don't want to imagine how that conversation would go. 'Hello, alternate mine, into whose universe I moved and whose enemy I seduced and whose Hell I've been helping to steadily conquer! So sorry about flattening all your favorite hangouts last week, but would you mind decorating my private magical sanctum on your enemy's airship? Promise not to work any hexes into the designs?'" He shook his head, grimacing. "I don't think so." He darted down another row. "Anyway! I went with the first mahogany shelves, but I also found a set of wall shelves that I think would look perfect on either side of the window!"

Telly

"Oh, mahogany? Sounds lovely!" Telly slithered after him, moving fast to keep up. "Show me these wall shelves, let's see."

The Eggs followed after on their short little legs.

Alastor

They were a set of wall-mounted curio cabinets stained nearly black, and they were almost nothing *but* embellishment—curling, twisting organic shapes carved into every surface. "Aren't they just gorgeous?" Alastor asked, delighted.

They totally were, assuming the viewer is into scenes of sinners writhing in infernal flames and thrashing in tempestuous waves.

"It's very gothic revival," Alastor said cheerily. "I think they look a little like cathedrals!" And they totally did. Aside from all the suffering sinners.

Telly

Telly's eyes widened and he nodded. "Oh yes, those are very lovely. And how intricate! What detail! I'd be jealous of whoever else got these if we weren't taking them!" He cackled.

Alastor

"I wonder how long it took to make these!" Alastor admired them a moment longer. "Well! Now that they've made these once, it'll take 'em less time the second time around, right?" He opened one's door to plop in a bullet, and turned to go. They were the eggs' responsibility now.

As he walked, he lifted his paper model again and added little glowing copies of the cabinets into his room. "And I think they'd look *great* framing a little altar, if I decide to put one in..." He turned to Telly. "I don't know if I've ever asked what you are... belief-wise. You know—religiously, spiritually."

Telly

Religion? Hm, that was something he hadn't thought of in a while. "I was brought up protestant-- the Church of England, naturally-- but I never had any real faith myself. I never believed-- perhaps I should've, considering..." He gestured around them.

"After I landed here, I just continued on like that. I didn't see the point in having any sort of religion since I'm already in Hell."

Alastor

Alastor nodded. "You know, I think most people think there's no point to religion in Hell!" He made a noncommittal gesture. "I suppose it depends on what you think the point of religion is. And what you think religion itself is. Ooh, kitchen cabinets!"

This is definitely a very normal conversation to be having in a really expensive Hell Ikea.

Telly

"It does seem to be a common thing, yes." Alastor was distracted once more and Telly smiled fondly.

"Yes, we should start in on kitchen things." He shooed the Eggs off to go collect the other furniture they'd picked out already.

"Which cabinets look good for you? We'll need plenty for the expanded counter and to replace the old ones."

Alastor

Alastor looked at the cabinets longingly, but then sighed. "I didn't bring a model of the kitchen. I don't even have measurements for it."

He looked around the kitchen section; unlike the bookcases, all standing alone and free to take, the kitchens seemed to primarily be example kitchens all set up with cabinets and counters fully installed. "I bet we can't just grab the cabinets off the wall," he muttered. "They probably have to be custom-made for your particular kitchen. That's how kitchens usually are, it's not stand-alone furniture." But that wasn't going to stop him from looking around.

Telly

"Yes, this might be something we have to actually order. Or that I'll have to make. We do have the funds to get whatever kind of wood and countertop you'd like. Maybe pick out a style and I can try to replicate it?" He moved closer to Alastor, hand moving to rub his back.

Alastor

"I like that plan!" He leaned into the touch. "If we find any we *really* like, though—let's steal the cabinet doors to make sure they all match."

And then he took off again, exploring all the example kitchens. "What was I just—? Right! Religion. No offense, but the Church of England has always sounded to me like the most boring religion on the planet."

Telly

"I think I'd have to agree-- considering it was made by Henry the Eighth just to be able to screw Anne Boleyn, it makes sense!" He laughed, once again watching his dear deer prance around.

"What wood were you thinking for the cabinets? And what material for the countertops?"

Alastor

"And that's the only interesting fact about the Church of England I know."

He considered the question. "For cabinets? The wood isn't as important as it is in more dedicated magic work, but we'll still want to get a wood that plays well with healing and herbs. Ideally a feminine wood—call me old-fashioned, but I've always found more feminine energy in cooking." Alastor that does absolutely nothing to answer the question. "And I don't know about you, but I like stone counters! Marble, granite... What would be fantastic is if we could find a large enough piece to cut both the kitchen counter and my work table from it. I'd love to tie those spaces together. But we'll see!"

Telly

"I'm sure we can find that much stone to cut from the same place. But as for wood, I mean for the color, love." He smirked, leaning closer to kiss his cheek.

"I'm thinking design, what it'll look like. Maybe we can get a nice black marble-- Oh, I think I've seen some marble that's black and gold, that would work well."

Alastor

"Oh! Of course, color. I feel like a kitchen should be bright! We don't necessarily need the cabinets to be light, but if not, we'll have to compensate somewhere else. I don't want it to be *plain* white, though—I've never liked plain white, have you? I've worked in enough kitchens where everything's white and stainless steel, no thank you! Primarily black counters, though, that could look nice, yes."

Telly

"I tend towards darker colors, generally-- well, you know, you've seen the airship!" He laughed. "All blacks of various shades with splashes of gold and red."

Telly hummed. "You know, what if we got yellow cabinets? Or at least, made them from a wood that had that sort of tan-yellowish look?"

Alastor

"Oh! Yellow! Sunny! Yes, I think I like that idea." He turned toward the nearest example kitchen with white cabinets, waved a hand, and they were briefly overlaid with a fluorescent yellow. "... Maybe not that exact hue, but in concept YES!"

Telly

"Yes, unfortunately not everything can make bright yellow look dashing!" He adjusted his bowtie and smirked, winking at Alastor.

"A softer shade would probably work better-- or maybe a bit more golden instead!"

Alastor

He tried a less fluorescent yellow. "Well—I'm no good at mixing colors, but that's what they've got those paint chips at the hardware store for! But I like the idea of it, it sounds stupendous! We can find just the right hue later!"

Telly

"Yes, we can! But shall we get back to finding pieces for our home? What else do we need? We have chairs and couches and shelves...." He ticked them off on his fingers, rubbing his chin and humming.

Alastor

"Right! I need a desk and a chair for it! I guess I'll get my work table later, when we find counters; and doodads, I need doodads. I'll know them when I see them." He put a hand on Telly's shoulder, "We were going to redecorate the bedroom some! I almost forgot. That's an 'if we see anything we like' thing, isn't it?"

Telly

"Yes, it is. I'd say we should go try out the beds, but we decided not to replace that." He snickered. "But yes, anything we like. Maybe new nightstands? A dresser for you?"

Alastor

"But I enjoy stealing out of your dresser so much!" He laughed. "But I guess I can't steal socks from you, can I? I didn't take measurements in your room, either, you'll have to tell me what size dresser you think will fit! But I can probably do with one of those tall, skinny ones."

Telly

"If you just want a drawer in mine, that's fine too. It depends on what all you want to put in it. I do think nightstands would be good, though." Telly leaned down to flick his tongue at Alastor's cheek.

Alastor

Tilt into the flick. "I don't need to store much! Socks, boxers, garters, a couple of belts." He fished around in his pocket. "It would be nice to not have to carry these around everywhere, too." It's a bunch of bow ties. He's carrying half a dozen different bow ties in one of his pockets. They've been there for like... half a year.

Telly

"We could get you a box for those, love. Put it on top of the dresser next to the one I have." He smiled, squishing his cheek against Alastor's.

"I'm excited, my hart, for this."

Alastor

"So am I!" For a couple of seconds, he wasn't a grown-ass man, but an excited child, torn between bouncing on the balls of his feet and keeping his cheek squished to Telly's; he split the difference by hugging him hard and sort of vibrating in place. "I can't *begin* to tell you how excited! I'm going to have a *home!* For the first time since I died! A home with *you!*"

Telly

Telly returned the hug, squeezing Alastor tightly. He pressed his face into his shoulder and smiled into it.

"A home with me. And I'm so, so happy to give it to you, my hart." Another squeeze and a soft hitch of his breath. "I can't explain how happy it makes me to see you this excited about it, too."

Alastor

Alastor patted Telly's back when he heard his breath hitch. "Careful—if you start I'm going to start." He huffed. "... Thank you. I can't even tell you how grateful I am."

Telly

Telly pulled back, and decided to stop himself from crying by kissing Alastor about it. The perfect way to stop oneself from crying, yes? Yes, absolutely.

Alastor

Sounded like a solid strategy to Alastor! He kissed back. He couldn't wait to be up in the air and really, finally home.

Telly

Telly held Alastor's face in his hands, deepening the kiss-- when he heard a rather loud and pointed clearing of a throat. Which was funny, because the Egg Bois didn't have throats. He pulled back and turned to look at the group of five Eggs, raising a brow.

"WELL?" He asked. They saluted and reported that all the marked items had been disassembled and transported.

"Alright, my hart...where were we? Your desk, yes?"

Alastor

Alastor nearly jumped out of his skin. These eggs were going to be the double death of him.

"Right! Right. Yes, uh..." He checked the store map. "We'll pass through the dining area to get to the desks, so, keep an eye out for tables and chairs we like, but... Yes! Desks."

Telly

Telly clapped excitedly. "Oh, yes! Tables and chairs! I'm excited to get a new set of those! Maybe some dishes too, if they have them."

Alastor

"I think they've got dishes on the far side of the store—but maybe they'll have some set out on display here, who knows." He offered his arm again.

Telly

Telly took the arm immediately, and started slithering again. "If not, well, then, we'll get to the dishes eventually, anyway!"

He turned to the Eggs. "COME ALONG NOW."

Alastor

"Yes! Sooner or later! We've got enough plates to eat on for now, anyway!" And off to the dining tables. "We'll probably want a table that matches the rest of the kitchen, right? Someday it would be nice to have a separate dining room, but for now..." It wasn't like they could conveniently build an annex onto the airship.

Telly

"Yes, we should. A simple black one would work fine. Or maybe one in red, since that's the motif we're going for. Red, yellow, and black." They moved into the kitchen table area and Telly started looking over them.

"Maybe mahogany to go with the bookcases? I do like mahogany."

Alastor

"The bookcases will be in another room, though, so we don't *need* to match them. Although I do like mahogany too, I wouldn't complain about mahogany." He looked around and snorted. "Goodness, half of these look fit for a castle, don't they?" That's what you get at the fancy Hellkea.

Telly

"They do! I love them." Telly beamed. "Oh! We should think about the walls-- I was thinking paint them black but then stenciling on a design in yellow and red? Does that sound good to you?"

Alastor

A thoughtful pause. "I'll have to see it first. We can do a mockup of the kitchen in the colors. If the floor's already black, and then the counters—I don't know if black walls would make it too dark." Apparently, Mr. Aren't These Gothic Revival Eternal Damnation Torture Cabinets Cute is all about bright cheery kitchens. "But stencils should be fine, whatever color it's on! What were you thinking?" A nudge. "More scales like the bridge?"

Telly

"Hm, no-- the kitchen is going to be your space, I want a stencil that you think represents you!" He smiled, nudging back.

Alastor

"Oh, I'll have to think about it! Hah, maybe I should just stencil up a big chart of meat cuts. Like they have at butcher shops—one shaped like an animal and one shaped like a human." A wink. "No, I'll think of something pretty."

Telly

Telly giggled. "That would be funny, but yes, I'd rather something pretty."

Telly turned, seeing a nice round oak table. "Oh, that's nice!"

Alastor

"Oh, that'll do!" He leaned on it, sturdy. "Will a round table fit in the kitchen? You said it was going to be long and narrow." This poor man who can't just visualize the table in the space. He was mentally kicking himself for not bringing the kitchen's measurements. "But I like it, it's a nice color. I bet it'd look good with yellow cabinets."

He suddenly laughed, "Listen to me, talking about matching tables to cabinets! If somebody a month ago had told me looking at furniture would be the most exciting thing I'd do in the next few weeks, I'd tell 'em either they're the worst fortune teller I've ever met or I'm in for a boring month!"

Telly

"Things like this can be exciting if you have someone to do it with." Telly smiled.

"And yes, the table will fit. We'd just need to put it near where the plants will be growing, since I don't plan to have cabinets there."

Alastor

"And if it's your own kitchen you're decorating, I'd bet." He smacked the tabletop. "All right! I'm fine with it if you are."

Telly

"Yes there is that too." He chuckled.

"I like this one. A little brown to mix things up."

Alastor

"Little bit of both!" A wink.

"You know, if the table's back near the plants, we could stick potted plants on the table from time to time. Add a little extra color!" Oh he was getting *hella* cutesy-domestic. In another ten minutes he'll be making a cottagecore blog.

Telly

"That would be wonderful," Telly said, smiling. He nodded to the eggs who started to disassemble the table.

"Now, the chairs-- do we want the whole set of four, or should we just take two for practicality's sake?"

Alastor

"Oh, let's grab all four! In case we entertain someday. We can keep the other two stowed away somewhere." He stepped back to give the Eggs more room to work. "Maybe we should grab something easier for you to sit on, too. A footrest or something."

Telly

"There should be short stools nearby for sinners like myself. Any high class store would be sure to have those options." He turned and slithered around a bit, looking.

"Ah-ha! Here's some in oak. Let me try them out and see which ones is most comfortable."

Alastor

Alastor leaned on a nearby table to watch as Telly tried the stools out.

"You realize that with everything going into this airship, there's no way we can let it get shot down again, right?" Think of the dishes. The hypothetical dishes they haven't picked out yet.

Telly

"Oh, yes, absolutely. I have plans for that. A lot of new defenses that I hope to have ready before we launch." He nodded, curling around on of the stools to sit. This one said it was specifically made with snake sinners in mind, so it should be good...

"Also more normal reinforcements like a thicker hull, stronger glass for the windows, more weapons to fire upon anyone who dares attack. Oh! I've also been developing stealth shielding, to cloak it."

Alastor

"We're going to be *invisible?!*" Oh he's excited now. "Isn't that something! Like a ship right out of an alien invasion movie!"

Telly

"Yes! As much as I like Pentagram City seeing me flying above and quaking with fear, I'd rather not get shot down again, so stealth shielding is definitely something. But if we're going full alien ship vibes, then I should mention that I'm working on a forcefield too!" He grinned wide.

Alastor

"Hot damn! By the time that thing's ready to fly, it'll be well-armored enough to storm the gates of Heaven!" Alastor laughed.

Telly

"If I have my way, our home will never fall from the sky again. It _may_ land, though." Telly laughed, too.

"Hm, I think this stool will do, I like coiling around it." He stood and gestured for the Eggs to take the stool.

Alastor

"Want to grab a couple, in case an alternate visits?" Can't hurt. They're free.

"I was wondering if you'd let me add some defenses, too? I think you'll have this thing well-armored enough that you could drop a tank on it without doing damage, but not everyone is fighting with bombs and bullets. It helps to fight magic with magic."

Telly

"I was actually thinking about that! Your magic would be good to use on the forcefield. To deflect magical attacks!"

He looked at the other stools like his and nodded to the Eggs. "You're right, we should." At the mention of alternates, his face soured a bit.

"Did you notice...at the barbecue Valera threw, how Ruddy avoided us? Well...me specifically, but he seemed to be avoiding you, too."

Alastor

Alastor's face lit up. "You'll have to show me how it works! I'm sure I can think of some way to work it into the technology! I'd still like to put wards on the ship itself that will be active if the forcefield is turned off, but... yes, I'd *love* to put something in the forcefield!" Wouldn't that be fantastic, an invention that they could work on together! A joint project! As much as he enjoyed providing inspiration and ideas and watching Telly churn them out, this was a chance to finally contribute something more concrete to the design process.

His excitement wilted a bit at the mention of Ruddy. "I noticed. More him avoiding *me* than avoiding you, but yes. I gave him some information I'd promised him, and he all but completely brushed me off." He sighed. "I typically befriend your alternates by chucking out favors and flattery until it sticks. It's worked so far, but... I wonder if he thinks I'm coming on too strong. Or if he thinks I have ulterior motives."

Telly

"...Maybe he was avoiding the both of us because of well...." Telly gestured at the two of them. "Our relationship? Consider we both snapped at him when he was unkind about the other...." His face scrunched.

"Anyway, yes! I'd love to see what wards and whatnot you're planning on putting on the ship. Oh! And that reminds me, I wanted to learn more about magic in general. That got put on my back burner while the airship was still being repaired, but now that it's almost done, we could start that again!"

Alastor

"I don't think I snapped at him," he said uncertainly, trying to remember. "I *disagreed* with him over you, sure. I *wanted* to snap. But that was our first meeting, I was trying to be on my best behavior. I thought I was diplomatic."

He sighed again. "Maybe just *knowing* is going to put him off. I hate that he figured it out before I ever had a proper conversation with him. That's all he's going to see now."

Telly

"Well, maybe less 'snapped' and more 'got a bit puffed up'. I tried not to snap either-- it was _also_ my first meeting with him." He pulled his hood over his shoulder and stroked it.

"It's my fault he figured it out-- I was trying to help and he just....pegged it right away. I'm sorry..."

Alastor

Alastor let out a loud, melodramatic sigh. "Oh, how unlucky I am, to have a partner-in-crime who *adores and admires* me so much that he just *can't* help but show it whenever he thinks of me!" He slid an arm around Telly's waist and pecked his cheek. "What's done is done. If he can't see past his first impression of us, then, well... that's one less person to try to impress."

Telly

Telly cracked a smile at the melodrama, and kissed Alastor's cheek in return. "Well, how could I not, when I have the best partner-in-crime a snake like me could ask for?"

He purred and nuzzled against him, briefly. "That's true, what's done is done. We can't make another first impression, but if the impression he got was 'these two are thick as thieves and defensive of each other' there are worse impressions to give." He snickered.

Alastor

"Like I've got the best partner-in-snake a radio could ask for! And if he has a problem with it, that says more about him than us, doesn't it?" All the same... Well, whatever. No changing it now.

That was the table and chairs dealt with. He closed the portal; on to the desks. "So! Magic, huh! Considering a career change from machinist to magician?"

Telly

"Not particularly, but I have been thinking about what you mentioned-- magic mixed with machinery! There's so many possibilities, but I won't be able to do figure out what they are until I know what all magic could do-- specifics and the like." He reached and took Alastor's hand, twinning their fingers. It had been too long since they held hands.

Alastor

"Oh! I love mixing magic and machines!" He squeezed Telly's hand. "Now, fair warning: there's a lot I won't be able to teach you. Some because it's forbidden—and impossible—if you don't have the right ancestry and the right initiation; and some because I'm just not able to teach it. And a lot is going to be disappointing; you'd be surprised how much of what I do can be explained with 'I call someone else up to do it for me.' But I'll teach you what I can, and what I can't teach, I'll tell you about as much as I can. Sound fair?"

Telly

"That sounds perfect-- really what I'm interested in is mostly things that can be applied to my inventions to either improve them or change the function. A sort of synergy. I doubt I'll be out there being a world class magician like you are." He squeezed Alastor's hand back.

"Hm....Where were we headed again?" He asked, pausing in his slithering.

Alastor

"World class magician! Eat your heart out, Houdini!" He laughed. "For magic you can stick in inventions, there's three... categories of knowledge, I suppose, that I could give you. It's equivalent to teaching you how to build a crystal radio, how to work a radio tower, and how to build a radio tower. The first one shows you the science behind how the technology works but isn't very useful, the second one lets you immediately use powerful technology but you'll only get a fuzzy glimpse of the science, and the third one lets you understand both how to work the technology and the underlying science, but takes a damn long time before you've finally learned enough to build something of your own. I can teach you any way, but it's up to you which avenues you want to pursue first."

He checked his map again. "Desks!" And looked up. He'd gotten so enthralled talking about magic he'd walked them straight past half the desks, thinking they were more dining tables. He sheepishly turned around and backtracked.

Telly

Telly nodded along, humming, his free hand coming up to stoke his chin. "I think I'd want option three, I want to know what goes on behind how it works, and then how to work it, too. It's how I learned how to engineer my machines, I think that would work best."

He turned back with Alastor, laughing. "Oh, yes, desks! Probably look for something to match the bookcases, so probably something in mahogany?"

Alastor

"It'll take longer that way for you to start working magic into your machines—but, you'll know more when you do! In the meantime I can put the complex things on and explain what I'm doing."

He looked around thoughtfully at the nearest desks. "Mahogany would be fine," he said slowly. "Or ebony, ebony would be great." Alastor you're not getting an ebony desk unless you steal it out of a Gilded Age tycoon's office. "Or yew, or cedar, or iroko, ash, redwood... Maybe not cedar, it's a little too benevolent." Alastor those aren't even all furniture woods.

Telly

"Ebony?" Telly hummed, as he slithered around the desks, looking at each one. Something white caught his eye and he moved to one covered in a sheet. Wonder what that was about? He pulled off the sheet and blinked.

"Alastor. I think I found an ebony desk." And not only that, but it was the most intricate and extravagant desk he'd ever seen. And if Alastor didn't want it, then _Telly did._

Alastor

Apparently he was only getting an ebony desk if it was stolen out of a Gilded Age tycoon's office, or if Hellkea stole it out of the office of a nineteenth century Italian noble.

"Well! Would you look at *that!*" Alastor put his hands on it, then lay his torso atop it. Flop. "Oh, now *that's* a powerful wood. You can *feel* the energy pouring off of it. And I like the little shelf up here." He drummed his fingers on the shelf that raised the back third of the desk's top. "Ebony's one of the most powerful woods a sinner can get their hands on—*this* kind of ebony, anyway. There's a couple of different kinds. It..." he gestured vaguely without lifting his face, "... resonates well with the dead, you could say."

He reluctantly peeled his face off the desk, but he didn't lift his arms. "Ebony helps the living communicate with the dead. I wonder if the connection goes both ways, or if it just helps the dead talk to each other better?" A moment of thought; and then he said, "If you see anything else made from ebony that seems utterly worthless to us, let me know. Yew, too. I just thought of a little project I'd like to try out and I could use the raw materials."

Telly

"I'll keep an eye out for ebony, but I'm afraid I don't know yew on sight, darling." He chuckled, rubbing a hand on the desk. He couldn't feel whatever power Alastor had been talking about, but it was still a fine desk.

"This one, I don't think can be disassembled. Let's make sure the Eggs are careful with it." Telly's head titled. "What sort of project were you thinking of, with those woods?"

Alastor

"You don't know me on sight?" Alastor put a hand on his chest. "I'm hurt! Scandalized! Utterly betrayed! I'll never get over this heartbreak." He saw the pun and went for it.

He stepped back from the desk for the eggs, and finally surveyed it at a distance—he hadn't actually properly looked at it yet. Yeah, it was extravagant—little white inlaid designs of foliage and angels. "I'm not sure about the narrow opening between the drawers; I feel like I'll try to cross my legs and bang my knees," he muttered. "If it's a problem, though, I can give it to you!" A win-win all around.

"I've got a little spell from an associate I've been meaning to play with that involves making a sort of connection to the mortal realm. Both ebony and yew help connect the mortal realm to the afterlife; if the connection goes both ways, it might help make the connection more easily. Like—choosing a wire with high electrical conductivity to build a machine." Specifically, he was thinking of his alternate's triple-sigil spell to contact radios in the living realm, and wondered whether the right material could serve as a compass pointing the signal toward the living realm and cut out the need for one of the signals.

Telly

And that pun earned a face scrunch like no others-- A very Pentious scrunch. Then Telly shook his head.

"Yes, if it doesn't end up working out, I'd love it. But I have a good feeling about it." He smiled and slithered closer, brushing some of Alastor's hair off his forehead.

"Oh? Sounds interesting! If _you_ spot any yew, be sure to show me, so that then _I_ can spot yew, too." He winked.

Alastor

He (briefly) held still to let himself be fussed over.

"Sure, I'll let you know!" And then a pause. "Actually, I don't know what yew wood looks like either." A sheepish smile. "Well, if we see any labeled 'yew,' we'll know then! I know this: it's planted in cemeteries." This information was completely useless for identifying yew wood by sight.

Telly

Telly snorted, and then laughed. "I think you've seen my wood enough to know it by sight." His grin turned downright devious. If Alastor got to make dumb jokes, then so did he!

Alastor

Alastor looked at Telly. He took a slow breath in. He let a slow breath out. The studio audience was laughing at him. Him, a laughingstock on his own show. "You know, I was trying to specifically avoid letting you turn the tables on me. And yet, here we are! Tables turned!" The nearby desks lifted themselves up, neatly turned themselves ninety degrees, and set themselves back down.

Telly

And Telly's laughter was just as raucous as Alastor's audience. He wheezed as he bent double, holding his stomach.

"Oh, your reaction! Priceless! Exquisite! I out joked the joke-man!"

Alastor

"Yes, you got me. I'll admit it! I'm gracious in defeat." If Telly was bending double then Alastor was crossing his arms on Telly's back and leaning on him for support. Telly was holding Alastor up now. This was Alastor's revenge. "Although you're less yew wood and more snakewood."

Telly

Oh no, that's got him laughing even more! What have you done, Alastor, he's sinking down to the floor now. Down he went, taking Alastor with him, enjoy being on a pile of laughing snake.

Alastor

He sprawled most dramatically on Telly. Don't mind him, just laying down atop a snake shaking with laughter, acting all cool and casual. "... Someone stuck gum on the underside of this desk." He tapped the leg of a nearby oak desk. "Some people have no class."

Telly

He'd just been starting to calm down when Alastor spoke, and the laughter started again. High, reedy, and wheezing, he could barely take a breath with how hard he was laughing.

Alastor

Alastor grinned from ear to ear. Listen to that. Sheer music. He didn't plan on moving until Telly stopped laughing.

Telly

Finally, finally, after what felt like forever, Telly started to calm, wheezing softer until his breathing evened. And then his voice, muffled underneath.

"Darling, can you get off, please."

Alastor

THIS WAS HIS MOMENT. VENGEANCE WAS NIGH. He nearly cracked up on the spot. Sweetly, he said, "What, right here, in public? How obscene!"

Telly

And there he went, laughing again. And flattening down more, untill-- he suddenly straightened up (gently) tossing Alastor off of him. With a hyperquick movement, he was coiling around Alastor, and grinning down at him with his hood flared.

"No, the only one of us to get off in public would be me, wouldn't it, my hart?" He purred, flicking his tongue at Alastor, his claws hovering dangerously on either side of Alastor's face.

Alastor

That time, Alastor laughed along as well. Triumphant!

Which completely distracted him from what Telly was doing until Alastor found himself softly flung off. What—?

Genuine panic seized him for a split second as he found himself abruptly bound up; he took a deep breath, subduing it. *Oh.* Hello there. That was a nice view, he thought he'd just focus on Telly's face for a moment.

"You know, that's true! It *would* be you, wouldn't it?" Despite his restricted position, he leaned forward to kiss Telly's cheek and whisper to him, "And I suppose you'd like me to help you get off, wouldn't you?"

Telly

Telly's fearsome display was betrayed by the purr that started up in his chest. His clawed hands came in to gently hold Alastor's face and he returned the kiss with one on the lips.

"Yes, I would. Always." He snickered and started to loosen his coils, giving Alastor another kiss in the process. "After all, I _did_ suggest we try out the beds..."

There was another clearing of throats, this time five in unison and Telly's head turned slowly to stare at the interrupting Eggs.

"Can I help you?" He asked, voice low and dangerous.

"We're done moving the desk, Mr. Bossman..." Nine said, looking appropriately contrite.

"Go find anything marked as 'yew wood' and anything marked as 'ebony' that looks like it would make for good repurposing."

The Eggs saluted and toddled off, as Telly turned back to Alastor.

"I swear, half the time I forget that we brought them with us..."

Alastor

Alastor flinched, then slowly closed his eyes. These Eggs. These damn Eggs.

He waited until they were gone—waited several more seconds—then gave Telly his best sultry smile and reached up to cup his face in return. "Well. Now that we're alone again..." A light kiss. "If that's what you want, let me help you get off properly..."

The faint lighting turned electric blue as shadows stretched out across the floor to caress Telly... and slide beneath his coils, and hold him securely... and lift him gently off of Alastor... and set him back on the floor several feet away.

Grinning like a loon, Alastor got to his feet, smoothed out his clothes, and winked at Telly. "You're welcome!"

Telly

Telly had been ready-- for sultry make outs, and when the neon came on, maybe a dance. And then the shadows moved him....away from Alastor. He blinked, confused for a moment, before his face scrunched in understanding.

Telly crossed his arms and leveled a glare at Alastor. "VERY FUNNY!" He announced, turning to start slithering away.

"I SEE HOW IT IS, JOKES JOKES JOKES!" He gestured as he moved, noseless face turned up. "HERE I AM BEING DRAMATICALLY SEXY AND ALLURING AND YOU JAPE!"

Oh, he was starting to slip-- he fought the smirk that threatened to crack the facade.

Alastor

Oh—was that serious? Had Alastor gone too far? He hesitated a moment, until he was sure that Telly was joking; and then he pranced back up to his side and flung an arm around his shoulders. "So sorry, darling, I *couldn't* resist! The opportunity was there and I was helpless, simply helpless!" He leaned his head sideways on Telly's shoulder. "It's my greatest weakness. Nothing is more alluring to me than a truly awful pun."

Telly

Telly couldn't help his smile now-- it cracked the scrunch and he flicked his tongue at Alastor.

"Well, I suppose I can forgive you your puns." He chuckled. "At least this once. So long as you give me a proper, dramatic kiss, that is."

Alastor

"A dramatic kiss, huh? Something a little like this?" Alastor used his hold around Telly's shoulders (and a little shadow assistance) to yank Telly down into a dramatic dip and kiss him deeply.

Telly

His eyes flew open a moment, before sliding shut as he melted into the kiss. His hand cradled the back of Alastor's head until he needed to pull away to breath.

"Yes.... something like that." Telly gave him a dopey, lovestruck grin.

Alastor

Alastor was getting good at this. "I thought so." And it was well worth it, if it kept earning him grins like that. It made him want to dive right back in.

But the clock was ticking and they still had "shopping" to do. Alastor pecked Telly's lips one last time, then eased them both back upright. "To be continued."

Telly

Still a little lovedrunk from the kisses, Telly allowed himself to be righted, but his hand took Alastor's, holding it again. He squeezed it as he started to hum a love song-- one of the many Alastor had sent him.

"Yes, to be continued....What else do we have to find?"

Alastor

Oh... That was one of the songs Alastor had sent Telly. Never mind. Gotta kiss again.

Telly

Telly didn't mind that in the slightest, his hand cupping Alastor's cheek as he returned it. Kissing time once more.

Alastor

Okay, okay *this time* he was stopping. This time for real. Really. "... What was the question?"

Telly

Telly giggled, lingering there, a breath away from Alastor. "What else do we need?"

Alastor

"Right! Right... a desk chair, dishes... We didn't need a dresser right now, I'm going to use one of your drawers... Night stands... Was that all for now?"

Telly

"I think for now, yes, that was it. Maybe when we get to looking at the dishes we can find silverware and perhaps some new cooking knives for you."

Alastor

"Oh, we could use more!" A full set of knives for him! How lovely. "Well, let's!" On to the chairs.

Telly

On to the chairs! Luckily they were right there next to the desks. "Probably something in black to match the desk..."

Alastor

"Right." He probably wasn't going to find something special, though. As far as he was concerned, there really wasn't much to make desk chairs special. They weren't for getting cozy in. They were whatever.

"I'll also need to get supplies for a shrine, too," Alastor muttered to himself, still thinking about their shopping list, "although I doubt I'm going to find them here." He plopped down in a black-painted chair to see how it felt. "That's what I wanted to ask you earlier. I know you're not religious, but I *am*, and... would it bother you if I kept a shrine in my room? Considering that it would mean inviting a deity onto your airship."

Telly

"I trust you." He said. "If you think it's safe to do in our home, then of course you can."

Alastor

His face lit up. "As safe as anything I do is, hah!" Eh, this chair didn't do anything for him. He plopped down in another one.

Telly

Telly watched him move to another chair. "Well, considering I trust you to use Hentai to move the airship and whatnot, it's not a problem."

Alastor

"Fair enough!" Ooh, this chair spun. Don't mind him as he slowly twirls around. "Not that Hentai is the sort to go for shrines, but."

Telly

"Yes, I thought as much." He chuckled. "Having fun darling?"

Alastor

"Yes, but I could be having more!" He stopped spinning. "I don't like how this one feels, though." On to another chair, apparently. He tilted his head noncommittally. "It's fine."

Telly

Telly glance around, slithering over to a black wood chair. It had a red cushion. "What about this one?"

Alastor

He plopped down. He considered it. He shrugged. "It's fine, too." He stood. "Sure, let's go with it. It matches."

Telly

"Alright," He said, whistling for the Eggs. One came trotting out, and then headed over. Telly pointed to the chair, and the Egg-- #22-- took it.

"What next?"

Alastor

Back to the map! "The bedroom section. They'll probably have nightstands there."

Telly

"Oh yes! Nightstands. We'll probably want something in black for obvious reasons." He puffed his chest out a bit.

Alastor

"Obviously!" He beamed.

He kept glancing at the few remaining desk chairs as they passed into the bedroom section. Nothing appealing. Eh, well. Desk chairs didn't need to be super exciting, he supposed.

Telly

Telly wrapped his arm around Alastor's waist, pulling him against his side as he slithered.

"What do you plan on keeping in yours?"

Alastor

"I don't know! I hadn't gotten that far! I more or less figured they were there for decoration," he said. "What do people usually use nightstands for? Lamps? I don't really need a lamp. I could put my monocle on it? What are *you* using yours for?"

Telly

"I keep some things in the drawer-- just things that I might need whilst in bed. I do have a lamp on mine, in case I want to read in bed or need to work there."

Alastor

"Hm! I could keep a book on it. Although what if I want the book later and it's on the nightstand instead of with me?" He was so used to carrying everything he could ever possibly want around with him at all times. "I suppose it wouldn't be *that* hard to retrieve—" A pause. "Oh, I'm a fool. Obviously I'm going to keep a radio on it!"

Telly

"It would be nice to have a radio in our room, yes." He smiled and leaned down to kiss his cheek.

"One of your nice ones!"

Alastor

"I'd be planning to keep Ally in my room, but I could move him back and forth until I get another tabletop radio," he mused. "Phil's big enough to be a nightstand herself! Maybe I could use her if we don't find a matching set..."

Telly

"You could put....Phil? On the bridge if you'd like. Send Ally back and forth, and then sometime we could go find some more!" He smiled. "I would like more radios of varying types."

Alastor

"Oh, I don't know about the *bridge.* With all the Eggs running around? But maybe—we *could* use a radio in there—"

He abruptly stopped walking at the sight of a bedroom all done up in exaggerated Art Deco decor—black and gold wallpaper with repeating scalloped patterns, wall sconces made of thick geometric frames, even a headboard on the bed that was oddly reminiscent of the Chrysler building.

But what pulled Alastor into the room was a pair of waterfall nightstands on either side of the bed, made from a dark, highly-polished wood, with the wood grain arranged to form sharp chevrons down the front and sides and bright gold-colored trim and knobs. Very fancy-looking, assuming one doesn't know that waterfall furniture is cheap-ass Great Depression plywood furniture. But to Alastor they just looked familiar.

"What do you think of these?" He tapped his finger on one.  "A little narrow for a nightstand, but..."

Telly

Telly's eyes widened at the sight of the model room. He let out a low whistle, his face breaking into a grin. Then he focused on the nightstands.

"Oh those are lovely! We'll have to redesign some things in the bedroom to match, but we were planning on that anyway." He pulled out his phone to snap a picture of the headboard and the wallpaper.

Alastor

Oh, right. Phones can take pictures these days. Alastor probably should have been doing that with the kitchen. And with the other bookcases he liked but that didn't have matching sets. And with the armchairs he was deciding between. And—

"The wallpaper kind of makes me think of the scale pattern you've got in the bridge." Alastor gestured at it. "This one's a little more shell shaped, but it's similar."

Telly

"Yes I thought so too! It should be a simple thing to replicate but with alterations. We could paint it instead of using wallpaper." He smiled and nodded to the Eggs.

"The nightstands, bois."

Alastor

"Maybe there's a stencil for this." They could find out whenever they went looking for a stencil to paint the kitchen. Whatever they were going to paint it with.

He flopped on the bed and looked at the headboard. "Have you ever seen the Chrysler building? I only saw pictures of it in the papers, but I was still around when it went up."

Telly

"That was after my time, so no." He said, shrugging. Telly came over and slithered up onto the bed, curling near Alastor.

"Is it nice?"

Alastor

"*I* think it's handsome. But my mother thought it was the ugliest building ever built." He laughed. "Sometime I'll find a mortal realm movie that was filmed in New York. They'll probably have it in the background."

He thought about that a moment longer; then abruptly sat up. "Or—!" He stopped to make sure no eggs were nearby to eavesdrop and then lowered his volume. "Or I could take you sometime!"

Telly

His brow furrowed and tilted his head. "Take me? To....the living world?"

His eyes unfocused and he took a slow breath. "It's been so long..."

Alastor

"I just recently learned how!" Voice still hushed, but he was Excited. "Back in December. I'm still working out the kinks—the math is atrocious—but it works. I've gone there under my own power."

Telly

Telly's eyes widened. "Really? Oh, how exciting. I'd love to visit--" He glanced down at himself.

"Well.... we'd have to find something to do about my tail, obviously."

Alastor

"Disguises are easy! Hell—I could probably teach you to disguise *yourself* pretty fast. This is the default shape your soul wants to take, but it takes very little magic for the dead to change their shape, as long as the shape they're changing into is some form of themself. So there's a small chance you might not be able to change your tail—most people have something they can't control, me, I can't change my hair—but nine out of ten odds I bet you can! And if you can't, I could do it for you!"

Telly

"Perhaps that should be the first thing we do, then? Try and teach me that and figure out good disguises for visiting up about." He smiled. "Oh, that's exciting. I hope I can have legs again, even for a short time. It would be nice to walk again."

Alastor

"The first thing you're going to be able to learn is how to look like *you.* So, however you recall yourself looking as a mortal, that'll be it. The only disguising you'll get beyond that is clothing. More advanced shapeshifting is... well, advanced."

He got to his feet and offered his arm to Telly. "Legs we can definitely do—walking, I'll give that sixty percent odds. Valera's given Penny legs for trips, and *he* can't walk; but he's also not doing the magic himself, so I imagine he's not as... as integrated with the shape. On the other hand, I recommended Ruddygore some texts on magic, and he figured out how to make a set of legs he can walk on; *but,* he's still got that entire tail hanging behind him. And it looks a little ridiculous. So."

Telly

"Hm, interesting! I'm curious to see how mine function when I've got them." He chuckled, taking Alastor's hand and 'standing'. Telly leaned in to kiss his cheek.

"I'm excited to learn! A whole new avenue of invention will be open to us!"

Alastor

"It certainly will! And I can't *wait* to see what you do with it!" Holding hands again? Holding hands again! And onward they went, hands held.

Telly

"I think all we have left is the dishes and silverware, yes?" Telly smiled brightly. "This has been QUITE the shopping trip!"

Alastor

"All that's left on the list, anyway!" Again with the map. "Although we pass through the restaurant on the way there. We could steal some food on our way through. Why does a furniture store have a restaurant?"

Telly

"Not sure! But I'm feeling peckish, and I bet you are as well, after all the portal opening. Let's rummage and find out what they have." He grinned.

Alastor

"Oh, I was just going to grab a bag of frozen meatballs and keep going." But he *was* feeling peckish. He should probably refuel if they were going to be making a couple more trips. "But, sure! Let's see if we can have a quick meal without spending an hour digging through the kitchen."

Telly

"Meatballs sound good! I wonder what else they have, though." Telly pointed ahead. "There it is!"

Alastor

"I keep seeing little ads for meatballs. What if that's all they have?" He laughed.

On one side of the path through the store was the restaurant; on the other side was a collection of shopping carts sitting near the entrance to the section of home goods. Alastor veered for the side with the carts, stole one, and immediately started riding it with one foot on the back axle and the other foot propelling him, just every child who'd ever used a shopping cart as a scooter. He breezed past Telly into the dark restaurant section—"So, what are our options!"—and a gate magically opened in front of him to let him roll on back behind the serving counters.

Telly

Telly laughed as he watched, slithering after Alastor. "Let's see indeed!"

He was glad, however, that the Eggs didn't see Alastor do that-- he didn't want them immitating it and crashing. Telly looked around for a good place to coil while Alastor searched, and decided that just right there in the middle of the floor was fine.

Alastor

The kitchen doors swung open for him just as easily, and Alastor vanished. He was back in a couple of minutes. "All of it's prepackaged," he said, sneering. "At least the meat looks like it's made out of actual meat, but it's not going to be any fun to prepare. The recipes they're set up for back there are salad, salmon, salmon salad, meatballs, chicken meatballs, and non-meatballs. What's your preference?"

Telly

"I'm feeling like salmon and meatballs-- because it sounds like an odd combination!" He laughed and flicked his tongue at Alastor. "I'm craving meat!"

Alastor

"Two entrees! You know, I like the sound of that myself!" He hopped off his cart, and his shadow vanished with it into the back. He was serious when he said this wasn't going to be any fun to prepare; it looked so dull he'd delegated the whole task to his shadows.

He circled to the customers' side of the counter to grab a table. "It'll only take them a few minutes, let's sit. I haven't gotten to stare adoringly into your eyes *nearly* enough tonight!"

Telly

"Alright!" He slithered over and plopped himself into a chair, trying to get comfortable in a seat obviously not meant for him. He smiled, though, turning to grin at Alastor.

"So, just going to stare adoringly into my eyes the whole time it takes them to cook?"

Alastor

"Maybe." He tilted his head, batted his eyelashes, and played a sweet romantic melody.

Then laughed. "All right, I've met my quota." He pulled out his paper model of his room, and realized he hadn't measured the desk or chair so he couldn't place projections of them in the room. Tsk. Oh well. He left it on the table. "So, how are you doing so far?"

Telly

"How am I doing? In what way?" He looked at the paper model, turning his head this way and that as he looked at the projected bookcases.

Alastor

"Oh... energy-wise, focus-wise. Emotionally, spiritually, whateverly..." Alastor offered him a slightly tired smile. "I think I felt my trance break sometime in the middle of the desk chair section."

Telly

"Oh." He took a second to think. "I'm alright. Getting a little tired, but we're almost done, so that's good. Think once we're done here, I'd like a nice bubble bath to relax." His tongue flicked. "What about you?"

Alastor

"A bubble bath, that sounds nice. If I fall asleep in the bath, just clothespin my nose shut so I don't drown."

He offered his hand across the table to Telly. "Could I ask you something?"

Telly

Telly took his hand, squeezing briefly. "Of course, darling. What is it?"

Alastor

"Earlier when you coiled me up earlier all of the sudden... Well, I—I'm not fond of being... taken by surprise like that. With a little warning... or if we'd been wrestling..." Oh, this was embarrassing.

Telly

Telly's jaw went a little slack and his eyes grew wide. "Oh. I'm sorry, darling, it won't happen again." He reached over with his free hand to stroke Alastor's cheek with his knuckles. "I don't want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I'll reserve coiling for cuddling-- or if, as you said, we're wrestling."

Alastor

He caught Telly's hand and held it against his cheek. The stroking made him feel like he was something weak, something to be pitied and coddled; but he didn't want Telly to pull back. "It's fine! It's fine, I just—well, you know me, darting back and forth all over the place if I can get away with it! Being pinned in one place goes against my nature!" He laughed feebly.

Telly

"Yes, I understand. I like how you flit about-- reminds me a bit of a hummingbird. I _do_ like seeing you so excited." He winked and leaned close to press a kiss against his cheek.

Alastor

Good, that had been nearly painless. "Thank you!" And then again, a bit more subdued, a bit more meaningfully: "Thank you."

Telly

"You're most welcome, my hart." He smiled. "Is our food done?"

Alastor

"It should be just about, hold on." He whistled toward the kitchen. "Hey, what kind of service is this? Hurry up!"

His shadow slid out, pushing the shopping cart with several plates in the bottom: two of salmon, two of Swedish meatballs, each fully loaded with the expected sides. As his shadow unloaded the plates and bottled drinks, Alastor said, "If all you want is the meat, I can have your vegetables. I'm—"

He paused as the shadow put down another plate of pasta with pesto sauce. "What's this?" He squinted at it; and then his face lit up. "They've got deer-shaped pasta here!"

The shadow passed over the bag.

"Elk-shaped! Close enough! It's decorative macaroni, it's not like you can tell the difference!"

Telly

Telly's face lit up at the sight of the pasta. "Well! Look at that! How adorable." He purred, using his fork to take one single piece of the pasta to inspect closer.

"I wonder if we could make this ourselves, with a pasta maker..."

Alastor

"You know, sometime last year—I forget when, I think it was a couple of months before we met—I was looking all over for deer-shaped pasta. I finally found some, but I had to search half of Hell for it! And here's... well, not quite the same thing, but close enough! I can finally stop hoarding my stock!" He started cutting up his salmon with his fork and mixing it into the pesto pasta.

"I don't know. I've only ever seen pasta makers making normal shapes. It's worth looking into. Maybe we could make our own shapes! Deer, radios, snakes..." A wink. "But maybe snake pasta is just spaghetti."

Telly

He chuckled. "That or we use the emojis as a template and make them look like that."

Telly skewered a meatball and popped it into his mouth who-- and then his face went on a journey before he finally swallowed it down. "Mm, I think you've spoiled me with fresh cooked meals so much that this prepackaged fare isn't nearly as good as I probably would've once thought."

Alastor

"What do the emojis look like?" He pulled out his phone to check. Oh. Yeah, those were cute.

He cut one meatball in half and scooped it up with the sides. "It tastes better mixed with the mashed potatoes, gravy, and jam. You can still tell it's *prepackaged*—" SNEER "—but it's a respectable flavor combination."

Telly

He tried it the way Alastor said and hummed. "Yes, that is better."

Telly smiled and then tried the salmon with some of the pasta, rumbling in pleasure. "That's tasty together, too."

Alastor

"It is! Seems wrong to put salmon in the deer pasta, but it came with pesto." He'd already decided he was going to completely ignore the fact that the pasta was technically meant to be elk-shaped. It was deer now.

Telly

"We'll have to have it with venison at some point." Telly smirked.

Alastor

"I have a wonderful venison meat sauce recipe I could make! Remind me some time."

Telly

"Oh, I shall." He grinned as he continued to eat.

Alastor

It turned out Alastor could, in fact, finish two entire meals and a side of pasta in the middle of the night. Who's surprised? No one's surprised. His shadow had returned with the cart by then—loaded down with bags of pasta, yes he did plan to steal all of them.

He got to his feet, stretched, and asked, "Ready to go?"

Telly

Telly had finished all of his food too-- he'd learned to eat when he could, but he wasn't starving anymore. Still, big meals were good for a snake.

"Yes! Let's find some dishes and silverware and then we can go home and sink into a bath." He winked.

Alastor

"That sounds wonderful." He wheeled his cart into position, then paused, and reached into the cart to pat the top of the pasta bags. "Care for a ride~?"

Telly

Telly looked at Alastor, patting the pasta and he grinned. His tail lifted him higher and he plopped right down onto it. He pulled his tail up after, coiling in his nest of pasta.

"Onward!" He commanded.

Alastor

He pushed the cart. Nothing happened.

He pushed the cart with *magic.* That was more like it.

"Onward!" And off they went, into the home goods section, to search who-knew-how-long through byzantine rooms for the dishes and utensils—

Oh it was the very first section. That was easy.

Telly

Telly didn't move from the cart when they arrived-- he was far too comfortable now.

"Bring them to me to judge," He said airily.

Alastor

"As you command, *mon roi.*" Alastor bowed theatrically, and wandered off into an aisle of plates. "So what are we looking for, any specific colors? Patterns?" He snapped his fingers, "We wanted a little red in the kitchen, didn't we?"

Telly

"Yes, red. Perhaps red and black or red and yellow, to match things. Oh! Oh we could get gold plated silverware and then have red dishes!"

Alastor

"Sure, why not! We probably don't want *solid* red, in case we're eating something red... don't want it to blend in..." A pause as Alastor picked up and examined a plate covered in tiny flowers. "Telly. I know what I want to do with the wall stencils."

Telly

"Oh? What's that, darling?" He turned craning his neck to try and see Alastor.

Alastor

"Flowers." He glanced at the plate he was holding. "Not these flowers." He put it back and hurried back to Telly. "My mother kept flowers called angel's trumpets." Magic light in the shape of flowers appeared around Alastor's head, like trumpets dangling down; for once, they appeared in glowing gold instead of red. "They'd grow in this enormous tree, ten feet tall, and at the end of summer every year the whole thing would be completely covered in flowers! It grew right outside the kitchen window. Half the year, if you tried to look outside, that was all you could see of the garden: angel's trumpets. And, well—any kitchen of mine would feel that much more like home with those things all over it."

Telly

Telly looked at the flowers floating around Alastor, magically. He smiled.

"Oh, those look lovely. I'm sure we could make a stencil of those and paint them in yellow on the walls..."

Alastor

Alastor's smile widened. "You're a peacharino, Pentious." He smooched Telly's forehead and vanished again into the rows of dishes.

Telly

"Peacharino?" He asked, even as Alastor already bounded off. He chuckled, relaxing in his nest of pasta.

"Don't forget to look for a good knife set for you!"

Alastor

"Like a peach, but even more so! Like the difference between *forte* and *fortissimo.*" Somewhere over near Alastor, the lights went dark as he switched into black light, and then back. "Hey, they've got genuine uranium plates over here! They glow and everything! I haven't seen those in decades! Wonder why they stopped making them." He moved on.

Telly

"Probably because uranium is highly radioactive!" Telly called back, laughing. "Grab some of those, I have things I can use them for."

Alastor

He doubled back. "Sure, how many do you want?"

Telly

Telly thought a moment. "Five!"

Alastor

"Five plates..." He returned to drop them off with Telly. "... And one teacup." He daintily set it atop the plates. Isn't it adorable and mildly hazardous.

Telly

Very adorable. Telly inspected them and hummed. "Excellent."

Alastor

"While I'm here, how do you feel about—for example—glass plates?" He summoned up a translucent ruby red saucer, cut with facets on the underside to make it look like crystal, to show Telly. "I saw some I think look very nice, but I'm worried if we hit turbulence or need to make a sharp turn, they're going to be the first things to go."

Telly

"We could prevent anything from happening to them, just would take a little engineering...maybe a little magic." He grinned. "I like them, they'd look good with gold plated silverware."

Alastor

"Do you? In that case, you're going to like *these* even better!" He spun the saucer on the tip of a claw, and when he caught it again it had been switched out for another: similar translucent red, but with the rim painted gold. "As long as you think we can get them all fastened in safely!"

Telly

"I'm certain! My other china survived the warehouse falling on the airship, and those didn't have nearly as much protection as these will have!" Telly winked.

"Get the whole set!"

Alastor

"As you wish!" He poofed away, leaving the plate floating in the air.

He poofed back a moment later, carrying a wooden crate full of similar plates and glasses, and carefully set it on Telly's coils next to the uranium plates. He plucked the floating plate out of the air to add to the crate. "Think we're set for tableware?"

Telly

"Plates and the like, yes, but now you need to find us some gold plated silverware." Telly settled again, after adjusting to make room for the crate.

Alastor

"Isn't it goldware, then?" He pushed the shopping cart up a bit, and then wandered down another aisle. "I mean, it's called silverware because it's usually made out of silver, isn't it?"

Telly

"Yes, but that's why I said gold plated. If it was made just of gold, it would be far too soft to use."

Alastor

"Hm... Fair enough!"

He returned to the cart grinning mischievously, and added a human skull. The skull had salt and pepper shakers in its eye sockets. The shakers said "Ashes to Ashes" and "Dust to Dust". He wandered into the aisle again.

Telly

Telly laughed at the skull and smiled fondly at Alastor. "Clever and funny," He said.

"Oh! Look!" He pointed to a whole display of just gold plated things-- dishes, utensils, even an ice bucket.

Alastor

Alastor ducked back out—already holding a *different* set of gold plated utensils he'd just found—to look at the display. "Now *that's* just obnoxious." Was he saying that because he'd already formed an attachment to the set of cutlery he'd been holding for all of ten seconds? Maybe.

All the same, he looked the display over, grabbed up a second box of utensils, and stuck both boxes in the cart. "I want anyone eating at our place to know that we're pretentious enough to have genuine gold on our silverware, but just tacky enough that the silverware doesn't match." Did he make that up to justify keeping both sets? Maybe.

Telly

Telly snorted, but his smile grew extra wide at the mention of 'our place'. It made his heart flutter. Reaching for Alastor, he snagged his arm and pulled him closer to kiss, soft and meaningful. He pulled away, thumb rubbing against Alastor's arm where he grabbed.

"Sounds wonderful, love. Anything else?"

Alastor

Apparently Telly approved of his plans to make their kitchenware as insufferable as possible! "Well, let's see..." Back to the map! "Rugs, sheets and blankets, bathroom, organization—didn't we already have shelves?—lighting, decoration, plants... Anything you want to see, or are we finished here?" He tapped Telly's tail, "Oh, I need to pick one of those armchairs I marked."

Telly

"I don't think we need anything from those, unless you want to look at the plants? Otherwise, let's circle back to the armchairs, grab those, and go. I'm ready for our bath." He purred.

Alastor

"I wouldn't trust any plants from a furniture store! No no, I'll stock up from someone I trust." He got back up on his cart like a scooter, rolled it backwards, and through a portal into the armchair section.

"Say, where did we leave the eggs?" He didn't remember seeing them for a while.

Telly

"I think searching for yew and ebony for scraping." Telly sat up and put two fingers in his mouth-- but then paused, turning to look at Alastor.

"I'd cover your ears, love, this will be loud."

He put the fingers back in his mouth and gave a loud, shrill whistle. "EGGS! FORM UP!" He shouted. The sound of five pairs of scurrying feet echoed and the Eggs appeared moments later.

"There they are."

Alastor

"Oh, that's right." Alastor tilted his ears down but didn't quite cover them—he could handle loud sounds, no problem—and he didn't quite regret not covering up, but he almost did.

"And here's our hunting team!" He left the cart and flopped down onto the nearest of the chairs he'd marked, time for round two of testing. "How did your quest go?"

Telly

Fourteen saluted. "We found and marked a bunch of yew and ebony stuff! How much did you want, Mr. Bossman, Mr. Radioman?"

Telly hummed, and looked at Alastor. "Well?"

Alastor

Alastor rubbed his chin. He shouldn't need a lot for the final product, but he didn't know how much he'd need to experiment with. "How much is a bunch?" He waved off his own question. "You know what, some of the ebony won't be useful anyway. If it's all marked..." He paused for a moment, searching for the signals—yes, there they were. "Before we take it to the ship, I'll have to hop around and check them all first."

Telly

"Alright. Pick out your chair first, and then we can go check those out, and THEN go home." Telly smiled.

"Oh! You know what? You don't need to check them yourself!" He turned to the Eggs. "EGGS. GO COLLECT WHAT YOU MARKED AND BRING IT BACK HERE, POSTHASTE!"

The Eggs saluted and ran off.

"That should do it."

Alastor

"Oh, they don't need to do that, I could just hop to..." But they'd run off already. Hm. He latched onto the PA system again. "**Anything you need to disassemble to haul to me, leave where it is. It will be faster for me to teleport to check them out.**" On to try another chair. He added to Telly, "Once I've got a chair picked, you can head back to the ship. I'll let the Eggs know if any of their finds need to be disassembled and moved."

Telly

"Alright. I'll get started on the bath then, and you can join me when you've finished up." He smirked and purred. "Sound like a plan?"

Alastor

"Sounds fine to me!" On to another chair. "... I don't know if I like the first one or the third one."

Telly

"So, the second one, then?" His head tilted. "_I_ definitely want the one I coiled on earlier." He pointed. "That one was very, very comfy."

Alastor

"No, I wasn't a fan of the second one. It's only comfortable until you get used to it."

He looked at the one Telly had coiled on. "That looks like my option number three." He relocated himself to flop on it. "And it *feels* like my option three. Say, let me steal this one from time to time and I can get option one!"

Telly

"It's a deal." He grinned and flicked his tongue. The Eggs trotted back, each carrying something. Two seemed to hold ebony items and the other three what one would presume to be yew.

"We left another five things that were too big to move without disassembling! But we brought these!" Nine said, holding what appeared to be a yew rocking chair with....was that a deer hide on the back? It was certainly spotted like one...

Telly blinked, looking at that rocking chair and the Alastor.

Alastor

"Well, look at that!" He lifted the deer hide. "Now, is this bit yew or ebony?" He laughed, let it fall back down, and stepped back. "Huh! I thought yew wood would be lighter." Learn something new every day. "Well, keep all the yew. And the hide, too!" It wasn't a whole lot of wood, all together—safer to keep it all in case he needed it.

He went through the wood, touching each piece to see whether it reacted, kept the ones that did, and then opened a portal to let the Eggs and Telly return to the ship with the last of their haul. As soon as he'd finished checking the last few items, he could join them and finally relax for the night.

Telly

Through the portal they went, the Eggs to put things away, and Telly to draw a bath.

Overall, a very lucrative venture-- but a tiring one. He'd be glad to soak for a while, thinking about all the things they got and all they were planning to do. It would be marvelous.

Alastor

Two items too extravagantly large for his needs, one the wrong kind of ebony, but he directed the Egg Bois to break down and bring in one yew table and one ebony wardrobe—while trying to ignore the entirely new looks and whispers they were directing at him. He and Telly had meant to give the Eggs a reason to distrust Alastor less, but he thought they'd overdone it a bit. Better get back to kissing behind closed doors.

And he elected to start on that as soon as he returned to the ship, in the bathroom, in the tub.

[normal-thoughts-official]

See I think the problem is sweden is just.. cold amshnsdhdj we can’t really grow spices here so throughout the times it’s just been salt and pepper (until we started importing spice from the colonies like we thought we were the brits lmao) but traditional swedish food is like??? Potatoes and meatballs with lingonberry jam and sometimes you make the sauce out of the fat you fried the meatballs in and it’s gross. I’ve never been to Germany actually but that restaurant sounds disgusting I’m so sorry what are they doingggg. THANKFULLy we have so much food imported from pretty much everywhere that most people’s favourite foods is almost always something that didn’t originate here. Like tacos!! It’s a staple in pretty much any household here, at least where I grew up, and one of my friends is obsessed with Indian food, specifically vindaloo which is so so spicy but so good. As for the cream cheese sushi, at the restaurant here they put it in the maki rolls with veggies and a piece of omelet, i cannot stress how good it is ahaha. I love food so much!!! I don’t think I’ve ever eaten anything Brazilian specifically, but since we’re talking about it I’m really curious. If you have a specific dish or anything you think I should try let me know!! I’m gonna ask google but it’s always fun to get tips from someone who is living with the culture behind it and everything!! - salmon anon (salmnon? salmanon? Swenson? I actually wrote swenon but my phone corrected me so I’m leaving it skhdkshd)

aaaa okay so when it comes to brazilian food you gotta understand that there’s...... so much stuff. our cuisine is super varied and rich and there’s just... a lot. so it all depends on what strikes your fancy. but i have a few suggestions, although keep in mind that again, brazilian cuisine is varied and rich and it’s a big country, so i have the mos contact with food from my region (the southeast), although i’ve been to the northeast, north, and south as well

so the basis of culinary in most brazilian households is the rice + beans + farofa combo. farofa is basically cassava flour with spices, it is made to add Big Crunch to the meal. we eat that in every meal, except for breakfast. it’s kinda the foundation/pillar of the plate. i do recommend trying it, absolutely. the most likely version of that for you to find is feijoada, which is a little stereotypical as far as brazilian dishes go, but i doubt you’d find regular rice beans and farofa around in a small town in sweden. in feijoada the beans come with pork parts, and it’s black beans, not regular beans. it is also traditionally served with kale and orange slices. it’s really good, personally i love it

[image ID: a plate with kale, rice, farofa (which is sandy-colored and has a grainy consistency), orange slices, and feijoada. end ID] 

another great dish worth a try is moqueca. moqueca is (usually) fish/shrimp, coconut milk, dendê oil, bell peppers, and other spices. it takes cilantro so if you are a little bitch, i mean, if you don’t like it, you might skip that one. it is also usually served with farofa or pirão, which is essentially farofa but moist 

[image ID: a pot of moqueca. it looks soup-like and has very vibrant colors, particularly red, yellow, ad green. you can see pieces of bell pepper and chopped cilantro in it. end ID]

i do recommend trying anything palm-heart related if you haven’t. palm heart pies are one of my favorite things. and okay i know that you probably won’t be able to find this but i doubt you’ll be able to find most things i’m talking about so i’m just gonna dream big here: catupiry is this kind of brazilian... cream cheese, except it’s creamier and tastier and just superior in general. we love putting it on shit, and when it comes to stuffing, palm heart + catupiry or chicken + catupiry are my favorites

i also love bobó de palmito na moranga, which is essentially palm heart inside very creamy squash. the most common version actually takes shrimp instead of palm heart, but i don’t like shrimp and they’re not super accessible in my city anyway lol

[image ID: a carved pumpkin with shrimp swimming in a creamy mixture of squash, coconut milk, and catupiry inside. end ID]

escondidinho is another great dish. it means “little hidden one” in portuguese and it is cassava puree with dried meat inside, gratinated. there’s also a version with mashed potatoes, ground beef, and tomato sauce, but cassava is better. honestly just go for anything cassava. it’s the basis of native brazilian culinary and it’s fucking delicious. fried cassava, roasted cassava, cassava puree.... if you’ve never had them, they’re like potatoes, but better in every way. and don’t get me wrong, cuz i love potatoes

anything from the state of minas gerais FUCKS and is highly recommendable. tutu de feijão might look bad for a gringo but i promise it’s worth a try. feijão tropeiro is amazing, and chicken with okra is one of my fave brazilian dishes. it’s also easy to make so you can make it at home, even. just don’t forego the rice beans and farofa. my eastern european friend had never seen okra so if you look it up, no, that is not pepper. it’s not spicy. seriously i know yall are afraid of everything but it’s not

as for snacks! one of the greatest institutions in brazil is coxinha. coxinha is a potato-based batter stuffed with chicken (and usually catupiry as well although coxinha without catupiry is also commonly found) and deep fried. you cannot have a kids party and not serve it, it is absolutely essential. but it is also eaten as a regular snack commonly. it is super good, everyone loves it, and i highly recommend

[image ID: a plate of coxinhas. they are round-ish thingies with a “beak” on top, making it look almost like a pyramid. they are orange-golden in color and have a distinctly deep fried texture. end ID]

another great institution is pão de queijo, which i’ll admit i’m not a fan of because i don’t like cheese (catupiry doesn’t count) but i can’t just forego mentioning it. it takes polvilho, which is tapioca (which is a derivation of cassava, i’ll get there in a minute) flour, with cheese, basically. it gets a fluffy consistency that is hard to describe and that many people love. it is most traditional in the state of minas gerais, but you can find it all over brazil and also in other places in south america although recipes vary

[image ID: a bowl of pão de queijo. they are small, round, and white-ish. they have a very thin hard-looking layer on the exterior, but it also has cracks that make you able to see that the inside is fluffy. end ID]

tapioca! you might have heard of tapioca as the bubbles in bubble tea are made of it. it is a kind of cassava flour, but it’s very different from the cassava flour used to make farofa. it is white in color. you just put that motherfucker in a frying pan (no oil needed) and the grains stick to each other, making a sort of... taco-like thing? it doesn’t taste like a taco but it looks slightly like one. then you just stuff it with Whatever You Want. can be savory or sweet, personally i prefer savory but the "classic” one is coconut and condensed milk. another good stuffing to try is what we call romeu e julieta (literally “romeo and juliet”), which is a cheese that we know as queijo minas, but if you have contact with mexican food you might know as queso fresco, and guava paste. i know it sounds weird which is why it has the name as these two things are not supposed to be together but they go WELL together. romeu e julieta is a common dessert and the basis for thousands and thousands of other recipes in brazil

[image ID: a plate with tapioca. it has the form of a taco, but the “batter” is thinner and white. the inside is coconut and condensed milk. end ID]

speaking of tapioca, DADINHO DE TAPIOCA (tapioca dice) is where shit’s at. it is tapioca flour with cheese rolled into a dice format and fried, served with pepper jam, altho you can forego it, but i DO recommend trying it with the pepper jam. it is not super spicy and so so very good. don’t waste an opportunity to try it

[image ID: dadinhos de tapioca. they are small cubic snacks with a golden color and granulated-looking texture. there is also a little bowl with pepper jam in it. end ID]

and an ESSENTIAL brazilian institution: pastel and caldo de cana. pastel is a flour-based batter with a bit of cachaça (sugarcane liquor) stuffed with Whatever You Want (most common tho are ground beef, and cheese. but personally i’m always a slut for palm heart and there’s a local pizza place near my home that also makes pastel with whatever flavor you could possibly want and broccoli with catupiry pastel? PEAK) and deep fried. it is kinda big for a snack but bro it is so very good. and then we usually have it with caldo de cana, which is sugarcane juice. now, caldo de cana is very sweet, so personally i like to put a little bit of lemon in it, which is how we usually make it in the state of São Paulo, but other states lowkey look down on that (brazilians as a whole have a sweet tooth, many of our desserts are Really Sweet) but they are wrong and we are right. anyway, pastel and caldo de cana are usually served at street markets, so once you are done with your groceries, you can sit down and enjoy some. highly recommended altho again i’ll be surprised if you can find any in sweden. but pastel is not hard to make! caldo de cana is tho, you have to have kind of a machine to extract the juice from it

[image ID: pastel and caldo de cana. pastel is a long, golden-colored, thin rectangle with, in this case, cheese inside. caldo de cana is of a brownish-green with a regular juice consistency. end ID]

onto desserts! an all-time brazilian favorite is brigadeiro. that is condensed milk, butter, and cocoa with chocolate sprinkles, essentially. i recommend using dark chocolate as it is otherwise really sweet but it depends on your tastes. do try it tho

[image ID: brigadeiros. they are little balls completely covered in chocolate sprinkles, each places in a smal paper holder. end ID]

romeu in julieta as i already mentioned is very popular and seriously, give it a try

if you’re into sweet stuff, try rapadura, which is our version of piloncillo. it is like 90% sugar tho so seriously, you gotta like sweets

pé de moleque, which literally translates to “boy’s foot”, is rapadura and roasted peanuts, and it’s one of my all time favorite desserts

[image ID: a plate of pé de moleque. they are thick rectangles with almost entire roasted peanuts parts stuck together by a rich brown sort of batter - rapadura. end ID]

paçoca is also grounded peanuts with a little bit of salt and sugar, usually coming in a cork format. they are absolutely amazing and i can’t recommend them enough

[image ID: paçoca. it literally just looks like a small cork, even the color is similar. looks like something totally underwhelming but i promise you it’s so so very good and worth a try. end ID]

and okay i think that’s what i have!! at least off the top of my head (yeah that’s just what i came up with off the top of my head. like i said. brazilian cuisine is RICH) sorry for the gigantic answer that is probably not very helpful, but welp, now you know what to look for, at least lol also if you’ve followed me for over a year you should have known i would do this. BITCH I’M LATINO FOOD MATTERS TO ME

[anotherwellkeptsecret]

Alrighty. Time to type up my surgery and recovery experience. 

When I got my pacemaker two years ago, I spent a year (almost exactly) drawing a comic called Change of Pace, which helped me kinda process what happened to me. You can read the comic here if you’re interested. It’s largely all true, aside from the love story part. Tsk.

I don’t think I’m going to be drawing out this experience. It was completely different. I’ve been expecting a surgery of this nature since I was nineteen, when I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. So, in a way, this stint in the hospital was harder, more personal. The pacemaker was an emergency. The colon resection was some time coming. Not as much trauma, really. Not as much confusion about what was happening and why. But I still feel like telling the story, purging it from my mind. 

I was scheduled for surgery on Monday, the 18th of November. I took off work that Friday so I could have my pre-op bloodwork done and I also took off Sunday so I could start the colon prep. If you don’t know what a colon prep is, God bless you. You basically drink a crap ton (lol) of laxative and spend all night pooping until you poop clear. The easiest version is the Miralax version. If you have to have a colonoscopy, ask for the Miralax. I promise, you don’t want the Go-Lightly.

The day before prep, my friend took me climbing in Memphis to keep my mind off of things. We also went to IKEA. It was helpfully distracting. I had Swedish meatballs. 

I was meant to “technically” start the prep at midnight Saturday by not eating anything until surgery on Monday. Beginning to drink the Miralax sometime around noon on Sunday. I didn’t get that far. 

I got righteously sick Saturday night. My back was killing me and I was very nauseous and dizzy. I knew what was going on even before I started throwing up. I had a bowel obstruction. The second one in my life. I’d had one once before in March and jeeze. It hurt like a son of a bitch. I’m not sure if every bowel obstruction feels the same way, but mine certainly did. If you find yourself having these symptoms, please go to the ER. Bowel obstructions are no joke. You can go septic, which is incredibly dangerous. 

Nausea, feeling like you’re going to pass out, vomiting bile, severely upset stomach, cold sweats, and my back was aching something awful. I assume it was because my stomach was cramping so badly, my back muscles were spasming.  

I live with my mother. Have done since I’ve been getting sick so regularly. I woke her up and she took me to the hospital. 

The first time I had a bowel obstruction, I thought something was wrong with my heart. (The cold sweats, the nausea.) They rushed me to the back immediately. This time, I knew it was an obstruction, not my heart, and I said as much. They don’t tend to be in as much of a hurry when you don’t mention your heart. Didn’t realize that. I’m also not entirely sure they were convinced I did have a bowel obstruction. I’m sure plenty of people walk into an ER saying random stuff for random reasons, but yeah. I was very slowly processed. I remember them taking my blood pressure and because it wasn’t high at all, I imagine they thought I was full of shit. Figuratively, not literally. Because I was, literally. Whatever. 

My blood pressure normally runs very low. I can also take a lot of pain, because I’m on a first name basis with pain. They didn’t take my pain seriously because my blood pressure wasn’t high, I guess. Not my fault I’m a badass.

I sat in the waiting room until I started vomiting bile again. I also pooped all over myself in the processes. Which I didn’t think you could do if you were obstructed, but you live and you learn! 

That’s when they got in a hurry. I was making a huge mess. 

They got me a paper gown and I cleaned myself up as best as I could before the CAT scan, which proved I was, in fact, obstructed. 

So there I was, in the ER, very very early on the Sunday morning before my surgery Monday. I was admitted and my doctor contacted. Since the surgery was so close at hand, they agreed it was best to wait until the scheduled time to do the surgery. I’d stopped vomiting so there was no need for an NG tube this time. Those things suck.

Got admitted. Got a room. Tried to sleep. My surgeon came in and we talked. Got everything situated. At one point my mother told me there was a girl down the hall who’d just had a colon resection if I wanted to talk to her. She was sitting int he hallway with her sisters, eating her dinner. Poor thing had been in the hospital for almost a month. 

I spoke with her a bit. I’m not entirely sure what happened. Whether it was nerves or if I was hurting, but I almost passed out in the hallway. I hadn’t experienced anything of that nature since I had my pacemaker put in. The whole point of the pacemaker was to prevent me from passing out altogether. But I didn’t pass out so...I suppose that means it’s working?

I also pooped on myself that night while I slept. First time that’d ever happened. It was then I knew that I’d literally gone as long as I could before I needed surgery. I couldn’t wait any more. I’d been so stressed out over in the idea that I maybe didn’t need the surgery. That I was being pitiful and my case wasn’t that bad. I could tough it out if I really wanted. I realized what a dumbass I was for thinking those thoughts, but hindsight is 20/20. 

Monday dawned and surgery rolled around. Took forever. I was basically watching the clock tick the minutes by until transport fetched me. I was wheeled down to pre-op where they gave me a hair net. I don’t remember getting a hair net for the pacemaker surgery. 

I signed some paperwork and a lady told me she was going to get me ready. She said she was going to give me a nerve block in my stomach. I was like, “Cool, right on.” Until I saw the needle. 

Holy fuck. That needle. 

“You’re going to give me that when I’m asleep, right?”

“I’m going to give you some ‘I don’t care’ juice.” 

“Oh, thank God. I probably won’t remember this then.” 

“Probably not.” 

In went the ‘I don’t care’ juice. I got really dizzy. 

They swabbed my belly with iodine. 

They prepped the needle. 

I was still very much awake. 

I said, “Guys...” Because at this point there were several people standing over me. Like five. “...I’m still cognizant.” 

Yeah, I used the word cognizant. That’s how fucking cognizant I was. 

Not sure if they heard me. Or if they replied. I was really dizzy. 

In went the needle. 

And ow. OW. 

In went the needle again. One stick on each side of my belly. 

The ‘I don’t care’ juice must have been working in some way because while I remember the pain, I don’t remember the panic. I certainly would have panicked if I didn’t have that juice pumping through me. So that was a thing. 

I fell asleep soon thereafter. Couldn’t have been like...a minute earlier? Really? 

I remember waking up in recovery with the pacemaker. I remember the pressure, the nurse asking me questions. I remember being wheeled back to my room. I don’t remember jack shit about recovery after the colon resection. I don’t remember being wheeled back to my room. I apparently asked for my mom, but I don’t remember doing that either. 

I do remember, however, turning over on my side. Because ouch. But I did it anyway and kept doing it because I’m a determined asshole. Monday night was very hazy. I was high as fuck, probably. 

Tuesday: Not a good day. I was in a lot of pain. They gave me hydros, but the hydros weren’t touching it. Felt like I was taking Tylenol. And I have a very very VERY low tolerance for pain meds. They wouldn’t give me any morphine because my blood pressure was too low. (Again, badass?? Maybe?? IDK man my blood pressure just runs really low.) Which makes sense, because that’s dangerous, but I was in agony. I begged for morphine. I pleaded with the nurse to give me morphine. She would not. 

My mother got angry. I’m not one to complain. And my threshold for pain is admittedly pretty stout. I was hurting and no one was doing anything to help. My mother got ANGRY. 

I think they must’ve finally given me some morphine, but I don’t remember. Morphine also didn’t help. Didn’t even make a dent in the pain I was feeling. They kept giving me hydros every couple of hours to no avail. I remember I asked for a heating pad for my back. Barely. The nurse did give me one, but said I could only have it for an hour? Very fuzzy.

The tech forgot to...do something with my catheter because my urine got everywhere. The nurse that found me like that called the floor manager. I hated to, but I did report that my pain wasn’t kept in check. I was hurting so badly I actually reported one of the nurses. The one that wouldn’t give me morphine. I felt horrible about it, but I was also nearly in tears I hurt so bad. 

Hell, the pain was so intense at one point my mother called my family. Like, they thought something was wrong. Very very wrong. The doctor called for some kind of scan while I was in bed. They put a board behind my back. I was writhing, I remember. My family gathered in the hospital to see me in case I had to go back to surgery. In case I wasn’t going to do well. 

It was scary.

The next set of nurses figured out the problem when the scan revealed nothing out of the ordinary. My back was spasming. Horribly. When I sat up and they felt of me, they were shocked to find my back riddled with knots. It felt like knuckles underneath my skin. The new nurses got me some hella icy hot with pain killer and rubbed me down. 

It helped tremendously. My back stopped freaking out, which gave my abdominal muscles time to rest.

At last, I wasn’t hurting. At last, I slept. 

Wednesday and Thursday were spent trying to keep my back under control. At one point I vomited all over my bed due to acid reflux. I paged the nurse to ask for some acid reflux medicine and puked all over the place while I was on the call with her lol.

I never once had any issue with my incision. My entire trouble, the whole time, was from my back. And nausea. And lemme tell ya. Vomiting with a six inch incision on your abdomen? OW.

Getting up and walking? Easy enough. Getting up and going to the bathroom? No problem. Spongebath? Piece of cake. But God my back. 

I managed to poop for the doctors. Fantastic. 

And finally, finally, I got to have food. 

I went from about 5:00PM Saturday to 12:00PM Friday without having anything to eat or drink. I had an IV, and I could eat ice chips if I desperately needed to wet my mouth, but yeah. I hardly had any ice chips. Weird to imagine you can go that long without food and be alright. 

I proved I could eat GI soft food on Saturday and they let me go home.

Got my staples removed the following Tuesday. Had some steri strips applied. Just waiting for them to fall off on their own. 

And here I am. Just lounging, waiting to get my strength back. It’s much easier to draw after this surgery than the pacemaker one. Thank God. I’m slow moving and my stomach hurts a bit when my contents shift, but other than that I’m doing swimmingly. I can’t lift anything over ten pounds until the new year. Not sure when I’ll be able to drive, either. I’ll find out soon. 

This surgery was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Mentally and physically. Mentally because I’ve been struggling with Crohn’s since I was a teenager. I’m 32 now. Half my life I’ve been at war with my own body, drowning in the pain it leashes on itself. It’s been a long road. I hope this spells the end of it. Or at least, the rest of the journey is all downhill.

I’ve lost a lot of weight. I’m trying not to think about it too much. I’ll gain it back. Just takes time.

[merakiaes]

Welcome To America - Bucky Barnes

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Requested: Yes

Warnings/notes: Some Bucky fluff for anon! You said I could choose the Avenger myself so I hope it’s alright I chose Bucky even though he’s basically not an Avenger. And seeing as I’m Swedish, I hope it’s alright that I made the reader in this Swedish because I don’t know anything about other cultures. I hope you like it!

Wordcount: 1571

Summary: Reader is Swedish and new to America and find the things they do really strange, you share some of your Swedish culture with Bucky

Americans were weird, that much you had been able to determine during the three weeks you had been living in the country.

You had been in America several times before you actually moved there full time, helping S.H.I.E.L.D and the Avengers out on several cases with your skill in combat, much like Natasha’s, along with building a relationship with the one and only Bucky Barnes.

But during those times you hadn’t been there for longer than a few days at a time and had never really taken the time to think about Americans’ habits. But now, thanks to yours and Bucky’s relationship taking another step, you had moved there for good.

You had first noticed how different their culture was from yours when you suggested taking Peter to a pub on his eighteenth birthday. Apparently, he couldn’t go out drinking until he was twenty-one, whereas where you came from, you could buy alcohol at a club or pub when you were eighteen.

The second thing you noticed being different was the dinner-times. You usually had dinner between three and five in the afternoon in Sweden, but dinner in America, at least with the Avengers, most of the times weren’t until seven or eight.

There was cars and subways everywhere, literally everywhere. Where you came from, you only took train or cab when you were going a long way, otherwise taking a bicycle most places. But here? You called an uber even when you were only a minute’s walk away from your destination.

And their food. It was good, sure. But it was so damn unhealthy. Hamburgers, cheesy pizza, KFC, and not to speak about pancakes for breakfast. All you wanted was a sandwich with liverwurst or Kalle’s caviar. Was that really too much to ask?

Apparently, it was, as the team had more or less thrown up in their mouths at the taste of two of your favourite things in the world and banned them from ever being in the refrigerator again.

But there were things that were better in America, as well, one of them being that the stores were open for longer during the nights. That’s where you found yourself now. It was almost midnight. At home, the stores would’ve closed already three hours ago, but not here.

You were just coming home from the grocery store with Bucky after getting the necessities you would be needing for the midnight snack you had woken up craving. Bucky, ever the gentleman, had gotten up with you and come with you, and was now walking ahead at you with the bags in his arms.

As you stepped out of the elevator, you stomped your feet on the mat softly to rid them of any dirt and by that avoiding bringing the dirt with you further into the room. Taking a few steps further into the room, you then stepped out of your shoes, putting them to the side.

Bucky, already having put the bags on the kitchen counter, leaned against the wall and watched you with a small, amused smile, his arms crossed over his chest.

“What are you doing, (Y/N)?” He asked then, causing you to jump slightly and stop in your tracks where you were moving your shoes.

“Uh-“ You hesitated, looking between him and the shoes. “Taking my shoes off?”

“You’ve been here more times than I can count, and you’ve lived here for three weeks now, and you still haven’t learned that you don’t have to take your shoes off.” He chuckled, shaking his head.

You scoffed at that, leaving your shoes by the door where you would have left them at home and walked into the room. “I would’ve gotten yelled at by my mom if I walked inside with my shoes on at home.”

“Well…” Bucky said, coming up behind you to put his arms around you as you reached the kitchen counter and started unpacking the bags. “It’s a good thing I’m not your mom, then, huh?”

You smiled softly as you felt him kiss your shoulder. “Still, the floors get dirty.”

“We have people for that.”

“It’s still rude to make it dirtier than it has to be.”

Bucky chuckled tiredly, leaving one last kiss on your neck before letting go of your waist and moving to your side where he started unpacking the second bag with snacks and groceries. “Things seem to be pretty different where you’re from.”

“Oh, you have no idea.” You shook your head.

“Well, why don’t you tell me about it? I doubt we’ll be able to fall asleep again anytime soon once we’ve eaten.” Bucky shrugged.

Glancing at the man beside you, you offered him an excited smile. “What do you want to know?”

Bucky thought for a moment, humming under his breath. “Do you celebrate Christmas?”

You nodded your head. “Of course.”

“Halloween?”

“Yup.”

“Valentine’s Day?”

“Yeah.”

“Thanksgiving?”

“Uh, no, actually.”

Bucky’s head turned to you at that, eyebrows shooting up. “You don’t? But what about the turkey?”

You let out a laugh. “Well, Thanksgiving doesn’t own the turkey. We still eat it, just not on any particular holiday.”

“What more holidays do you celebrate then?”

“Uh…” You thought for a while, while unpacking a bag of apples. “Midsummer. I think we’re the only ones who actually celebrate that Holiday.”

“I’ve never hear of that one before. What is it?”

“Well, traditionally, Midsummer was celebrated on June twenty-fourth, the feast day of St. John the Baptist. It used to be considered a time of magic, where anything nature-related was thought to have special powers. Gathering flowers to weave into wreaths and crowns was a way to harness nature’s magic to ensure good health throughout the year. It also used to be extended to the realm of romance. It was said that, for unmarried girls, if you picked seven types of flowers and slept with them under your pillow, you would dream about your future husband. Not many people are aware of the magical origins of the tradition nowadays, but we still follow the traditions for the most part. The flower crowns for example, those are a must. And we dress up a big pole in leaves and flowers and dance around it while singing about frogs.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows at that, looking at you with a doubtful expression. “Are you serious? That’s really a thing?”

You laughed. “I know it might seem silly, but it’s really fun. And the food is amazing. Swedish meatballs, herring, fermented Baltic herring, new potatoes and egg halves with caviar and shrimp. That’s the good stuff, as opposed to all of the shitty fast food restaurants you’ve got here in the US.”

“Hey.” Bucky protested, his hand coming to rest on his chest in a feign-hurt manner. “I don’t like those restaurants, either. I prefer real food, although I’m not sure I would count stinky fish as real food.”

You hit his arm, giving him a teasing smile. “You better stop insulting my country’s traditions, or I’ll make you eat a whole can of fermented Baltic herring next year.”

“I’m not even sure what it is, but it doesn’t sound pleasant so please don’t.” Bucky wrinkled his nose at that, going back to cutting the apples you had handed him some time during your conversations.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” You agreed. “Not even half of the population back home wants to go near it, so I would imagine an American like yourself wouldn’t even be able to be in the same room as an open can.”

You felt a small grin rise on your lips at the thought, finding it rather amusing. Bucky hummed then, wiping his wet fingers on his leg before turning you towards him and pulling you closer to his chest. Looking down at you, he offered you a warn smile, lowering his head to peck your lips carefully.

“I think I’ll stick with the hamburgers for now.” He agreed.

You could only smile, thinking about how happy you were to have a boyfriend like Bucky, who would gladly sit and listen to you rant on about your country and its traditions. God knew there wasn’t many men like that left in the world as they lost their manners more and more for every generation.

You watched as Bucky turned his head back to the counter then, without letting  you go, and as he picked up a piece of apple and brought it to your mouth, poking it to your lips in an attempt to get you to open up.

As you laughed at the small action, he took that to his advantage and pushed the small piece of fruit inside your mouth. You bit it off about halfway, watching as he put the second piece into his own mouth. The simple action of affection made a bright smile rise to your lips, and with your hands you brought him in for a sweet kiss.  

Bucky hummed; his lips still slightly wet from the fruit as they pressed against yours. “I love you.” He mumbled, the words coming out muffled against your lips.

You smiled, pulling apart briefly so that you could answer: “I love you, too. Thank you for coming with me to the store.”

Bucky smiled a warm smile, his eyes crinkling in the corners as they looked down at you. “Anything for you sweetheart.” He mumbled, before pulling you in for another fruity kiss.

[paleorecipecookbook]

Cook Once, Eat All Week Cookbook Review

Man. It’s been a hot minute since I did a cookbook review on my blog. And that’s mostly because I don’t look at many cookbooks. I’m always trying to come up with new recipes for you guys so cooking other people’s recipes doesn’t always fit into my schedule. But when my friend Cassy Joy of Fed and Fit told me about her cookbook Cook Once, Eat All Week, I COULDN’T WAIT to get my hands on it and get to cooking. Cassy and I have been friends for probably 5 or 6 years at this point and she’s one of the hardest working women I know. She’s passionate, kind, and she fully commits herself to everything she does. And she does A LOT. When you open up this cookbook, you’ll know exactly what I mean. She has gone above and beyond in this book, all to make cooking easier than ever.

So here’s the breakdown of the book – The idea is you’ll have one prep day to get all your main ingredients ready to go – a protein, veggie and a starch – then you can make multiple different meals throughout the week with those three main ingredients. And the book gives you 26 weeks of recipes! Each week will look a little different, but everything you make will absolutely taste delicious. I’ve made many of Cassy’s recipes over the years and everything she makes is pretty simple yet so flavorful. She makes cooking simply easy! And this book is exactly that! It’s easy to follow, easy to create and easy to eat!

Today I wanted to give you a little breakdown of what I made from her book. This isn’t a full recipe for you guys since I want to keep that in the book, but I wanted to share my experience with Week 16! Everything is laid out plain and simple to help you on prep day –

The main ingredients – Shredded Pork, Kale and Plantains

A grocery list with everything you will need for that week

Prep day instructions – this includes different cooking methods and how to store the ingredients after you prep them

3 recipes for the week – in Week 16, you’ll find Al Pastor Pizzas, Greek Pork Chili, and Caribbean Plantain Bowls

2 bonus dinner options + the ingredients in case you need extra food that week

As soon as I saw Cassy make her Al Pastor Pizza on her instagram story with a crust made simply from plantains, I KNEW I would be making this recipe right away! And it was delicious! The pizza is topped with the shredded pork, an adobo sauce, pineapple, red onion and ALL the cilantro. Cassy is just as obsessed with cilantro as I am and I adore her for that. People who don’t like cilantro are the worst. Including my husband.

Kidding. Calm down.

But if you’re crazy and Al Pastor Pizzas don’t call your name, here are some of the other recipes you’ll find inside. I seriously cannot wait to try them out!

Loaded Cauliflower Casserole

Buffalo Chicken Stuffed Avocados

Cottage Pie

BBQ Mini Meatloaves with Carrot Fries

Philly Cheesesteak Loaded Fries

Red Curry Acorn Squash Soup with Crispy Beef

Harvest Sheet Pan Dinner

Southwestern Stuffed Sweet Potatoes

Sweet Potato Tamale Pie

Swedish Meatballs over Mashed Potatoes

Chipotle Brisket Tacos with Green Apple Slaw

And in the back of the book, you’ll also find simple supplemental recipes (bonus dinners) for any nights when you need extra food in a pinch. In this chapter, you’ll find protein recipes, veggie recipes and starch recipes. Some of my favorite include Crispy Curried Chicken Thighs, Pan Seared Steak, Lemon-Garlic Shrimp, Crispy Brussels Sprouts, Lemony Kale, Pan-Fried Plantains, and Roasted Carrots. All these simple recipes make getting dinner on the table quick and effortless. Plus, Cassy even shares the nutritional information for every recipe in the book! She’s a freaking rockstar, you guys. I can’t emphasize that enough.

I don’t think people truly understand how time consuming and stressful creating a book is. It takes so much time, energy and money, and authors are often just left hoping that they see a return. Cassy deserves so much more than just a return. She deserves to make the NYT Best Seller list, she deserves to get recognition for her hard work, and she deserves to have an amazing book tour along the way. She deserves it all. Period. She’s a great person who has made a really great book. If you do one thing today, please go support Cassy Joy!! Her book is available for preorder and is only $22.32 right now on Amazon!! For $22, you’ll get 123 delicious recipes, sauces and spice blends, meal storage and reheating tips, how to stock your kitchen, beautiful photos, nutritional facts, allergen charts, and a ton of other helpful tips! Her book releases on April 23rd, but preordering the book helps her chances of making NYT Best Seller! Let’s increase her chances together today by preordering her book!! I can’t say enough about this book and I can’t wait for you guys to see it! Click here to preorder your copy today and help support an amazing woman doing amazing things!!

The post Cook Once, Eat All Week Cookbook Review appeared first on PaleOMG.com.

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[wonwoosthetic]

Swedish Meatballs After A Long Day || Jake Gyllenhaal

                          MASTERLIST              WHO I WRITE FOR

Heellooo, it’s me again :) This time with a celebrity imagine of Jake Gyllenhaal and omg I LOVE this request and Jake of course. 

Btw, I have a French exam tomorrow and I’m not the best in French, any tips? Massive thanks in advance!

Anyways, I hope you enjoy it and thank you sooooo much @sweeet-temptationn for this request, I really hope you like it, I definitely enjoyed writing it :)

I hope it doesn’t seem rushed while you read it :(

Request:  Hi i was wondering if you can do a Jake gyllenhaal one where he cooks for reader instead of going out and its just really cute and fluffy

Pairing: Jake Gyllenhaal x reader

Warnings: none

Enjoy!

Swedish Meatballs After A Long Day

It was literally raining cats and dogs outside as you were driving home from work late in the evening. You had an important meeting with one of your clients, who wanted some advice from an experienced interior designer, which you have been for a good amount of years.

Your office wasn’t too far away from the house you have been sharing with your loving husband Jake for almost two years, but because of the horrible weather, you didn’t want to rush, but drive safe, even if it meant coming home later then Jake was expecting. The entire drive home, you had a bit of a guilty feeling in your stomach because your husband and you were actually supposed to go out on a date tonight, with him filming and you becoming more successful as an interior designer, you haven't spent a lot of time together lately and he wanted to be more in your presence. That plan was probably gonna fail.

As you were turning into the driveway, your phone started ringing and you could already guess, that it was your significant other with a worried voice, wondering where on earth you had been, but you didn’t want to answer since you were unable to see the road ahead of you clearly due to the rain pouring down.

After successfully parking the car, you took the keys out, placed them in your bag, which you had put on the passenger seat, and opened the driver's door. Immediately you placed the hood of your coat over your head and paced to the front door just to start pounding your fist against the front door because you were simply too lazy to look for the house keys in your bag and your hands were hurting so much from the cold weather. But not even five seconds later the door opened to reveal your husband of two and a half years with a relieved but also worried look on his face

“Oh my gosh (Y/N) where were you?”, while he asked, you entered the house by passing him through the front door. He closed the door and you could smell something very delicious, but decided to answer his question first

“I’m really sorry, babe, but there was this woman, that wanted to talk to me about her new living room and she just really didn’t shut up and I didn’t want to tell her to”, you explained while taking your shoes off “And then she wanted some more advice on what colour her new bedroom should have, that it would match the living room, which is quite odd and I tried explaining that to her -” you got cut off rambling after turning around to look at Jake, only to have him grab you by your coat and kiss you immediately.

At first, you were a bit shocked by the sudden action of him, but you melted into the kiss very quickly and enjoyed the sadly short time of intimacy. He slowly pulled away with a little smirk forming on his face as he looked deeply into your eyes with his steel blue ones

“You’re not allowed to ramble about work anymore OK? I want to have a chilled evening with the most gorgeous woman on this planet and just enjoy her company. Deal?” AH, gosh dang it, you couldn’t say no to this man, no matter what, so you just nodded your head and gave him peck on his lips

“I’m sorry by the way for being late. Are we still going to (Your fave restaurant)?”, you wanted to know

He answered while turning you around so he could take your soaking coat off “Well... I know, that that was the plan for tonight, but I thought because of the weather circumstances, I would rather cook and we could make ourselves an even better evening at home. What do you think?”

You looked at him and agreed “Of course, but may I just ask what you one thing?” , “Sure, sweetheart”, he responded while hanging your coat up. You smirked at him “What’s cookin’ good lookin’?”

He let his head fall down and started laughing while walking towards the kitchen “Oh no, please, you did not just say that”, “Oh, you better bet I did”, you were now laughing too, as you were following him “But seriously, what are you cooking?”

“I decided to make something I have never made before. Neither for you nor for anyone else, including me. Drumroll please.” He asked you to drumroll. Wow, he really is still a kid. You jokingly rolled your eyes and did a little drum sound on the counter as he shouted “SWEDISH MEATBALLS”

“Yeyy”, you were genuinely excited, but you weren’t too sure about your husband actually being able to cook them “And you know how to make them?”

He went over to the stove, where noodles were already cooking, for the finished meal “Yeah, I found this recipe online”, your husband showed you a website on his phone, which was right next to the stove

“Alright, but maybe you should put your phone somewhere else, in case anything happens”. He nodded and you took his phone to place in on a different countertop.

Next to the noodles were the almost done meatballs in a pan. You decided to stand next to him “Can I help you with anything?”, he turned his head to the left to look at you “Nope, you just go, sit down and wait” and smiled

He said this on purpose because he knew, how impatient you were “No, come on, I want to help” you begged him.

“Alright, alright. You can set the table, the noodles are gonna be done any minute.”, “Thank you”, you kissed his cheek before taking out two plates and cutlery for each of you. You started setting the table when you noticed something was missing. Drinks, right. What shall you guys drink?

Water? No, too boring.

Soda? You didn’t think you had any because neither of you drank those kinds of stuff.

And then it popped into your mind. Whine! Of course, oh my gosh, how could you forget?!

You strolled back into the kitchen to get two wine glasses and the bottle of red wine from your fridge. Jake was already putting the noodles into a bowl and the meatballs onto a big plate, ready to be served, while you were struggling with the wine bottle opener and the bottle.

“Here babe, let me help you”, Jake offered. You stepped aside and watched him open the bottle with ease, so you decided to defend your weakness “I loosened it up”. He turned his head and smiled again, with his beautiful teeth showing

“Of course you did”, he grabbed you by your waist and kissed you.

That feeling you get every time he does that is indescribable and you were sure, that you would never get used to it. After you parted Jake took the plate and the bowl, while you took the two glasses and the now open bottle of red wine.

After sitting down and eating for a while, while talking about pretty much everything but work, you decided to finally pour the wine into the glasses. After doing that both of you took your glasses of wine in your hands and your husband decided to make a toast “I want to make a toast. To the best wife, anyone could ever ask for. I’m very happy to be able to sit down right here with you and eat this delicious meal, that your incredibly amazing husband cooked for you.” he almost cracked, but continued “To you (Y/N). I love you”.

This was so cute. You couldn’t believe your luck, and still can’t “Thank you. Also to this meal, which my incredibly amazing husband cooked for me”, you winked at him “I love you too”.

You both leaned kinda awkwardly, not gonna lie, over the table to kiss and sat back down to sip at the delicious wine. The meatballs were really good, which shocked you a bit, to be honest, but the best part about that evening was still laying in bed with Jake after a long long day.

---

Finally a new imagine -  two more to go. One about Jake again and another about Finn Cole, I’m very excited for them both :)

Anyways, I hope you liked it, I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes.

I hope you have/had a great day :) leave some suggestions about how I could make it better, if you want :)

[dmsden]

A Loaf of Bread, a Jug of Wine, and Twenty-Thousand Roaring Orcs – Snacks and D&D

Hullo, Gentle Readers. A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned using snacks as an ice-breaker for your Session Zero. I said it semi-jokingly, but then I realized that snacks are something pretty omnipresent at D&D games, so I figured I would talk about them for my Fourth-Week Freestyle article.

Once upon a time, D&D snacks were Doritos, Pepsi, M&Ms, and Pizza. While those are great, they may have something to do with my bear-shaped gamerbod. Hey, I’m not the only one; someone once referred to a 2XL shirt to me as a “Gamer Small”. But we’re grown-ups now (well, some of us), and we have better agency over our food. What’s more, I feel like people in general are more health-conscious and leaning towards healthy snacks.

For many years now, the most common snacks at my table have been various cheeses, celery sticks, and often almonds or mixed nuts. This is largely thanks to one of my players who is diabetic and needs there to be snacks around that he can eat. Thanks for all the snacks, Whitt!

But in the D&D game I play in, we all tend to bring food, which we try to coordinate around a theme. Our last game had an impressive charcuterie platter that we put together with meats, cheeses, crackers, nuts, fig jam, cornichons, and more. Our plans for the next game are a high tea with tea sandwiches, scones, clotted cream, and more. How civilized!

If you want to offer some snacks, you might consider where your players’ characters are at the moment and theme the snacks to that for a little extra immersion. If they’re traveling in a kingdom with a Mediterranean flavor, you might serve olives, sun-dried tomatoes, fresh mozzarella, and the like. A middle-eastern setting might call for hummus and bread. Travels among the elves might bring fruit, cheeses, and nuts, while dwarven feasting might call for dark breads and Swedish meatballs. If the PCs are in a dungeon eating their rations, think about what their meals might be like. Dried meats, dried fruits, biscuits, and other long-lasting foods might be the best options.

If you’re an experienced cook, there are some great cookbooks out there to help inspire you. “The Unexpected Cookbook” is an unofficial cookbook inspired by The Hobbit. I’ve tried many recipes from it and always been happy. There’s also “A Feast of Ice and Fire”, which is the official Game of Thrones cookbook. I haven’t tried many of these recipes, but I’ve liked what I’ve tried. I know a Bowl of Brown is supposed to be fairly awful stuff in the books, but it was pretty damned delicious when I made it.

If you’re not too experienced, there are books for you, too. I have great affection for a cookbook called “Where’s Mom Now That I Need Her?” My Mom gave me a copy when I moved out, and it’s still in my library. It has a lot of great advice for many circumstances, including a lot of great, easy recipes, and it really helps talk you through them.

These are even cookbooks specifically geared for gaming. You can get two of them from DriveThruRPG.com if you’re so inclined. “…And Their Tummies Growled” and “Spoon and Fork: A Gamers Guide to Cooking and Eating” are both part of my library, as well as pretty fun reads. If you’re lucky enough to still have a copy of the Dragonlance tie-in “Leaves from the Inn of the Last Home” , then you can find some of the first recipes I ever cooked. Dwarven-Tide-Me-Overs and Kiffles are two recipes I’ve made more times than I care to admit. I’m known among my friends as quite a cook, but, like so many other things, the first time I wanted to cook, it was because of D&D.

It’s important to note that no one person should be responsible for all the snacks. Maybe your group can all potluck the snacks and enjoy the bounty of what’s provided. You might rotate who’s providing them on any given game. Or maybe you all order food and split the bill. In any case, try to keep it fair.

Hopefully this article has encouraged you to leave the Funyuns at home and reach for the finger sandwiches. There’s so much more to gaming food than I’ve touched on here, and I’d love to hear what you folks enjoy eating.

[othercat2]

fic: (they flow from form to form) 16/?

==>Karkat: be the parfit gentil knight

From Terezi’s bedroom, they wander into the kitchen. Terezi sits at the table, and Karkat rummages around in the fridge. “So there’s left over homemade macaroni and cheese and meat loaf. In the freezer we have Salisbury Steak, Swedish Meatballs, Sweet and Sour Chicken and some pot pies.”

“Mac and cheese and meatloaf,” Terezi says. Her chin is resting cupped in one of her hands as she watches him. She’s smiling, a little bit.

Karkat heats a plate for himself first. (Terezi: “Rude!” Karkat: “I’m a guest; you should be making something for me.”) Then he heats a second plate up for Terezi, setting it down in front of her, along with a can of soda. “So, I guess I’m going to be here, at least until your mom and Si fix whatever Dad did,” he says tentatively.

Terezi is quiet for a moment, poking at her mac and cheese. “We could watch a movie, maybe,” she suggests, voice just as tentative. “Or play video games.”

“We could do that,” Karkat says. He eats some of his meatloaf. He notices--becomes aware somehow--that Hope isn’t around anymore. “Huh. He’s gone.”

“Wanted us to settle this ourselves,” Terezi says.

“Yeah,” Karkat says. “I think we did, though. You were setup, it’s apparently lucky the Gods think I’m cute or whatever, and everything is kinda fucked up because weird religious shenanigans.”  

Terezi’s laugh is rusty and sad. “And I shouldn’t blame myself?”

“Not really no,” Karkat says. He’s silent for a moment, concentrating mostly on the contents of his plate. Finally, he asks, “So, when did the Gods start passing you love notes, or whatever?” He was more than a little curious about how it might work for an “insider” as opposed to well, him.

This time Terezi’s laugh sounds a little more like her usual self. “Before the school year,” she says. “It was just little hints, a song I liked coming up more often on the radio, visions being a little clearer, little gifts showing up on my dresser. I was nervous? And I didn’t want to read too much into it, you know? Sometimes the Gods show favor, and it doesn’t mean anything except They’re in a good mood and They like you. I didn’t get the nerve to actually ask until the end of September.”

“How did they let you know?” Karkat asks.

Terezi grinned. “I woke up with frost all over the window, the next morning, leaves, flowers all over the glass and the answer to my question; ‘yes, we would court you.’” She pokes at her food, takes a bite. “Then there was a lot of awful poetry,” she says in a deadpan critical tone.

Karkat laughs, feeling brighter, lighter somehow at the comment. “Awful poetry seems to be a thing,” he says.

“Ohhh?” Terezi asks with lifted brows. “How bad are we talking?”

Karkat shrugs. “Pretty bad. Uh. He was trying to reassure me I think? In rhyme.” He felt a little reluctant to share the details, given how annoyed Feferi got about his tentacle god jokes. He didn’t want to upset Terezi, when they were just starting to talk again.

Terezi’s eyes widen. “--butthole squid babies?” she asks, and cracks up laughing.  

Karkat felt his face heat up. “What the heck?”

Terezi points behind him, and at the same time there’s a sharp caw. Karkat turns, and sees the crow perched up on the refrigerator. “Just sharing a rhyme, ain’t no crime,” the crow says.

“Your poetry is a felony,” Karkat retorts.

“My rhymes got mad flow

Wherever I go

I drop sick beats

Bring sizzle to the pan

Grilling your meats,

Like you know I can,” the crow says.  

“I’m really impressed,” Karkat says. “No really, I’m impressed you could say that, and have no idea how stupid that sounded.”

“They’re better when he gets warmed up,” Terezi says. “But that was not your best,” she says to the crow.

The crow preens its wing, and Karkat immediately thinks of a cat grooming itself all nonchalant after embarrassing itself. All, “I meant to do that.” Though in this case, Karkat suspected the crow really had meant to do that. “You get visited by the crow a lot too?” Karkat asks.

Terezi shrugs. “The crow’s showed up, and usually Time Himself. Breath, Light, Space, Hope a lot recently.” The last is said with an irritable frown and a glare. Not at Karkat though, but at some point space off to the side. There’s nothing there but a countertop and cabinets as far as Karkat can tell, however.

The crow makes an almost human sounding chuckle, and flaps down to perch on one of the kitchen chairs. He eyes the meatloaf on Karkat’s plate.

“Don’t even think about it,” Karkat says, and puts his hand up to protect his plate from marauding crows.

“A little bit won’t hurt him, Karkat,” Terezi says.

“I’m not worried about him getting hurt, I’m worried he’ll steal it,” Karkat says. “You don’t like Hope?” Karkat asks.

“I’d like Him better if He’d leave me alone,” Terezi mutters. The next bite of mac and cheese is definitely aggravated. “He’s here because I’ve been…sick.”

“Depressed,” the crow says.

“Depressed,” Terezi echoes, and flips the crow off. The crow laughs again.

“Because of what happened?” Karkat asks.

“And because I get depressed,” Terezi says. “Though what happened didn’t help. I stopped taking pills during my fast, even though they’re permitted and when I got back I spent most of the time asleep, pretending to be asleep and ignoring texts from Sol.” Terezi sighs. “Then Hope manifested and I’m suddenly taking my pills and He’s being cheerful at me and argh.”  

“Did he uh, make you take your pills? Or just tell you to?” Karkat asks, a little uncertain about that last.

Terezi tilts the palm of her hand side to side in a “either or” gesture. “Well, He manifested and His Aspect made me feel better, and therefore made me more likely to take my meds? But it wasn’t like mind control which is what I think you’re implying?”

“Yeah, kinda. Sorry,” Karkat says, feeling a little guilty about asking despite it being a legitimate concern. Then he’s distracted by the crow, which has swooped in on his plate. “Dammit!” He catches the crow and almost immediately he lets go of it, surprised by the almost burning heat, the fast beat of its heart, and the sense he’d gotten of the molten Blood beneath skin and feathers. The crow takes advantage of his surprise to snag a chunk of meat loaf and abscond for the countertop.

Karkat half expects his fingers to be blistered and singed by the heat, but they’re unhurt. “That doesn’t happen when you land on me,” Karkat says accusingly to the crow.

“Did you try to grab him?” Terezi asks. “Well, there you go then,” she says when Karkat shakes his head.

“Is the crow actually Time? He hasn’t been to clear on that,” Karkat says.

“Time speaks through the crow sometimes,” Terezi says. She grins. “And sometimes Time takes the shape of a crow.”

This didn’t exactly explain if the crow at this point in time was “the crow” or Time in the shape of a crow. Karkat glances at the crow, which is poking around at appliances on the countertop. He had a feeling that a straight answer wasn’t going to be a thing in the immediate future.

“I kind of wish I’d known about all of this sooner,” Karkat says, after poking at the contents of his plate for a while. “I get you needed to keep things hidden, but I’m still kind of upset you didn’t tell me anything.”

“So do I,” Terezi says. “I kind of wanted to, but I wasn’t sure if you’d be staying. I mean it seemed like you might settle, and Mister Vantas is a really great teacher, but it’s usually years before outsiders see what’s going on in the town.” She frowns. “You saw a lot anyway. I wonder how much you did see through, just because you’re Blood?”

Karkat shrugs. “I figured you were pagan? My dad has pagan friends.” Terezi grins at that. “Anyway I mostly noticed the lack of those little cardboard Pilgrim and Native American pictures in stereotypical costumes around Thanksgiving and that the Christmas decorations didn’t show up until December,” he says. Also, it had mostly been Christmas trees, Santa Clause and candy canes, with maybe doves and stars being as far most of the décor around businesses got to religious symbolism. Homes had more religious symbolism, but they didn’t show up till the first week of December.

“Oooh, usually outsiders notice the lack of churches, and they have to go to the next town over,” Terezi says.

Karkat shrugs. He had noticed, and it had seemed strange, but it wasn’t nearly as strange as Christmas decorations neatly confined to December first through to the twenty fifth, except at the Walmart. “I was raised mostly agnostic,” he says. According to the town history he’d read, there had been a few churches up until the 1930s. Then there had been a couple of church burning incidents, after which the high priestess decreed the remaining churches would be burnt down. (“And the arsonists should be glad I don’t burn their homes, with themselves and all their family besides.”)    

After dinner, they put the dirty dishes in the dish washer and head into the living room. Neither of them really have a lot of interest in watching a movie, or going back to Terezi’s room to play video games. Instead, Karkat talks about school, about what he’s been learning from Feferi and Si. At first he tries to hide the parts where he’d been deliberately provoking Feferi, not wanting to offend Terezi. She gets the details out of him anyway, and cackles about it.

“Soo, not offended that I was disrespectful to your high priestess?” Karkat asks.

“If she was really angry about anything you said, she doesn’t need me to defend her honor,” Terezi says. “And if you were being a complete jerk I’d be mad you were hurting Feferi’s feelings, not that you were being rude to the high priestess. I kind of wish I’d been there. Poor Fef!” She giggles. “Was anyone offended on her behalf?”

“Um. Eridan, Equius I think Kanaya a little bit, and also Sollux.” Karkat pauses. “I think he has a crush on her?”

“Eridan and Equius are both from super traditional families,” Terezi says. “They are both super preppy.”

“Eridan seems more like a Goth,” Karkat says.

“Goth-Preppy hybrid,” Terezi says, and snickers. “Goppy? No, that sounds like one of Fef’s puns. Equius’ only redeeming quality is that he’s friends with Nepeta--though okay, I lie, he’s been much less of an asshole after he got the part time job at Benson and Quill Auto.” She grins. “Kanaya is the mom-friend and Sol has had the stupidest crush on Feferi since forever. Sollux is a dumb butt.”

“A dumb butt who’s been pretty worried about you,” Karkat can’t help but say.

Terezi’s eyebrows lift. “Are you the dad-friend, Karkat? Gonna make me text Sol?”

“Do I have to?” Karkat asks. “I mean, he’s your friend and he’s worried about you, right?”

Terezi makes a disgusted noise. “You sound like your dad,” Terezi accuses, and goes to get her cell.

She comes back into the living room, and spends some time texting with Sollux. Sollux meanwhile texts Karkat and they have an awkward three way conversation via until they get on a Pesterchum memo together. Sollux yells at Terezi in the memo, and asks Karkat for details about the emergency. This leads to them both explaining Mind and Doom interactions when collaborating on a Working.

CG: I AM PRETTY SURE THIS IS ADVANCED LEVEL STUFF I HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO YET GUYS.

GC: H33 H33 H33 W3’LL DUMB 1T DOWN FOR YOU!

TA: thii2 ii2 ju2t ba2iic two A22pect Work kk

TA: waiit tiil you have two figure out quint2 and 2extet2

TA: we’re not even  gettiing iinto fray motiifs

CG: THE FUCK IS A FRAY MOTIF?

Sollux doesn’t give an explanation. Instead he types KK DUCK, which is echoed out loud by Terezi, and in some weird internal way by something in his head. He rolls off the couch just as something smashes against the window. The glass cracks, but doesn’t break.

Terezi joins him on the floor. She shouts a word, and bright patterns flicker across the floor, up the walls and meet at the ceiling. Karkat recognizes some of the symbols, almost makes sense of what they mean before they make his eyes water and he has to look away. “What the fuck?” There’s nothing but a crackle of static from the phones.

“Stay down,” Terezi says. “Sol’s gonna get his dad, and call Feferi. Hopefully we don’t have to hold the fort for too long.”

There’s another crack against the window, along with a bright flash. “Okay, we’re being attacked. No shit, Karkat. Who’s attacking us?”

“I can’t see clearly,” Terezi says. “And I’m kinda hoping the attack isn’t two pronged.”

“Two pronged, you mean my Dad?” Karkat asks with a sick sort of feeling. “Why?”

“Outsiders, corrupting influence who the fuck knows,” Terezi says, voice brittle and frustrated. She takes a breath. “Okay, you want to find out about fray motifs?” She asks, and lights up bright teal, a three armed spiral appearing around her head. “Let’s try some firsthand experience.” She holds out her hand. “Take my hand.”

Karkat hesitates for less than a second, then grabs her hand. “I have no idea what you want me to do--” he says, but then he knows, because Terezi has dropped the information in his head. He activates a Blood sigil, and wraps the lines of a defensive pattern around Terezi’s mind sigil.

The defensive pattern spins, and then separates into three-limbed, curved blades of light dark red and bright teal. They split again and again.

(The lights go out, but they can still see. Indistinct shapes on the other door linked together and somehow shielded.)

Two shuriken or whatever they were spin toward the indistinct shapes. The shapes dodge.

that was your only warning, Terezi says. Her voice has a strange tonality to it, sharper and weirdly crystalline. back off or be cut down.

The only answer from the shapes is a bright flash that crashes against the door.

She shows him where and how to direct the blades, he can show her there are ten people in total, six in the front of the house, four in the back. He can also show her where the leader is, and that’s where they direct most of their attacks. They are perfectly in tune with each other, and the “tune” part is literal. Music is rising between the shifting combinations of their patterns, music that almost tells them where to go, where to face.

They can’t do this for very long. Karkat has no training, and Terezi is worn down and sick from being depressed. Karkat almost drops the sigil patterns when he senses (allies) approaching. no they’ll be waiting for you to drop your guard, she says and he holds onto the patterns.

He keeps it together until Mituna, flanked by Aradia and Sollux let’s himself into the house. “Hey,” Karkat says in greeting, then “oh, that’s why you have a key.” Then he and Terezi kind of tip over onto the floor, and the sigil patterns collapse. “Mr. Captor’s your dad?” he asks, feeling lightheaded and strange.  

“Half-dad,” Terezi mumbles. “Step-dork.”

“Love you too, honey,” Mituna says, squatting down next to both of them. “It’s complicated, says so on my Facebook and everything,” he says to Karkat, his mouth twitching at the corners. Karkat gets the sense that Mr. Captor is trying not to fall apart in front of them. He lifts both of them, with telekinesis, and then folds out the couch bed. “When I’m not so freaked out, I get dibs on screaming at you,” he tells Terezi, or maybe the both of them.

“What about m’dad?” Karkat says.

“He can yell at you next,” Mituna says.

That wasn’t at all what Karkat meant, but he was too tired to try to explain. He falls asleep, curling up next to Terezi. The last thing he thinks he hears is Aradia Megido mentioning something about pictures.

<==

==>

I have a Patreon! If you like my writing, please consider becoming  a patron! Or you could buy me a coffee! Donation links are in the sidebar of my blogs!

[anywhereconsulting]

The secret to a zero $ marketing machine

If you spent any cash on marketing so far, you would probably be familiar with cost per lead and cost per click terms. There is a quantifiable figure on how much you need to spend to get a client. How much does it cost to drive a prospect through your funnel and turn them into a client? We bet you would be thrilled to know that this figure can be zero $ - or even better, you can make a small ROI on every dollar you spend on marketing without considering your usual sales figures.

We discussed previously that value-based marketing is a good call to reach potential leads. Now you need to prepare a sales offer that turns leads into clients.

Most businesses go with one or maybe a few high ticket offers. But most people are not ready to buy a high ticket offer from you right now. But that doesn't mean that they are not prepared to buy. If you ignore these people, you will leave a great deal of money on the table.

Enter downselling. You have to create an offer that is low priced but still high value. This offer will convert most of the leads in your pipeline on day one, increase your customer base, and pretty much pay out their acquisition cost, making your whole marketing budget liquid. And the best part? Micro-offers like this can instant-qualify leads into sales-ready customers. Anyone who bought something from you is a potential customer who will buy something else.

I'm sure you are familiar with IKEA, the furniture store. Did you know that putting an affordably-priced restaurant plus a food court in their stores was and still is part of their marketing strategy? IKEA was one of the many furniture companies selling affordable furniture via its warehouse-style stores. Serving food was one of the prime distinction from their competitors. It reinforced their family-brand, plus it is easier to sell furniture to someone who's not hungry. Today, more than 1/4 of their visitors come only because of the food, which accounts for 5% of their revenue. Buying a couch is above $1000 - getting a meal for the family is below $100. It is the power of downselling.

Our practical tips on creating your low-priced downselling offer:

Even if it is low-priced, it has to have tremendous value. Remember, it might be cheap to eat at IKEA, but it is healthy and tasty and distinctive. Where else could you get Swedish meatballs with gravy? Your downselling offer shouldn't be a low-priced, low-value version of your full-priced offer.

Connected to the point above, never highlight the bargain value of your offer. Your offer's weight should be much higher than the price - it is the only way to generate buy-in from your customers.

Learn as much as you can about your customer through this downselling offer. Those who bought-in on the proposal are all potential buyers for further, higher-priced offers. The more you know about them, the more comfortable you can sell the high-ticked offers.

My name is Peter Benei, founder of Anywhere Consulting. We help our B2B clients to get more leads with performance-based marketing & design. To read our case studies & learn more about our work, click here.

We work through a unique subscription-based service called Roam. It is flexible, predictable, and modular. To learn more about Roam, click here.

Connect with me on LinkedIn or drop me a line by clicking here.

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[kinghoranshit]

This is Love (LT) Ch 14

Word Count: 2,833

I carried the cover handles that had Louis's hangover casserole in it. I was not the one cooking at home, even though Louis was only ten percent better than me. But he was better, that's what counted.

Louis had to go find somewhere to park. Despite Niall and Katie having a large driveway, there was no room. I was sure Katie wanted a small house warming party, which was finally happening after two weeks, but Niall had quite the friend and family load. Though, I was positive there still wasn't going to be a lot of people.

I could hear Louis's Adidas shoes hit the ground as he ran to catch up to me. I only made it halfway up the driveway; I had stopped so he could catch up. Now, we finished the walk to the front door. I smoothed out the cream colored oversized sweater I wore with dark wash skinnies and brown rider boots. Then I reached my left hand out to ring the doorbell. I laughed to myself when I heard Niall's voice say, "Hello! Hello! Welcome to our house!" and then The Avengers theme song played. It was obvious they fought over it and ended with a compromise.

Katie answered the door first, glowing like crazy. I could assume she's been having a good time.

"You made it!" she exclaimed and pulled me into a hug.

I laughed. "Of course! We'd never miss this. Louis brought his hangover casserole."

"And Steve." Louis held up Steve's carrier case. "I knew she'd forget."

I bit my lip and blushed. "Whoops. What would I do without him?"

Katie smirked. "Probably get lost in the city we've lived in for nearly three years. That's okay. I'm starting to get forgetful."

Niall walked up behind her and set his hand on the small of her back. "Yes, you are. You forgot that you were talking with Pam about your cookie brownie treats."

"I didn't forget." She rolled her eyes and gestures at Louis and I. "I was greeting our new guests."

"Yeah?" He chuckled. "Go on. Talk with Pam. I've got Louis and Maddy."

Katie seemed slightly hesitant, but made a small smirk. "Okay. Talk to you, two, later." She gave Niall a peck on the lips before going back to wherever she was previously.

"She's been acting like that since people started arriving," Niall commented, giving us a warm smile.

"You know her and people. There seems to be a lot here," I replied.

Louis made a small scoff. "Yeah, mate, I thought it was going to be small? Just the boys and girls?"

"Later. Right now it's open to others I invited. Leave the casserole for then."

Louis pushed himself in pass Niall. "No shit, it's who I made it for. Not catering anyone else."

"Of course." Niall laughed, stepping aside more so I could walk inside. Then he started to show us around.

Honestly, it looked smaller than I expected. But then again, it was just the two of them and expecting one more. I noticed the decorations, like at the coffeeshop, are home related; lyrics and pictures in black frames carefully littered the white walls. I was a little surprised to see silky, light and dark purple pillows on the chairs, loveseat, and L-couch. It did accent greatly though with the black, suede material.

There were three pieces that stuck out to me the most and my heart warmed up at the sight. Hung above the entrance to the kitchen were three flower monogram letters--'K', 'N', and 'H'. It was obvious Niall has done the 'K' and helped with the 'H'. A craft they did together to make the house more officially theirs. Honestly I didn't think Katie had to get him to do them, his didn't look bad.

I tugged on Louis's maroon sweater sleeve and pointed to then. "We should do something like that together."

Louis smiled his smile where crinkles form by his eyes as they squinted. "It's not a bad idea love. I'd happily do it."

Honestly, that seemed too easy. But he did have a lot of younger sisters who probably loved doing crafts. I do remember when I visit, that's what I was dragged into.

"Gr-"

"Maddy!"

I looked in the direction of the voice that called my name and I almost dropped to the floor.

"Hannah?! What're you doing here?" I moved as fast as I could to give her a hug. It'd been too long since I saw her last.

She squeezed me tighter. "I couldn't miss Katie and Niall's house warming party. Also, the baby shower for you is in a couple days."

"Right." I giggled. "It's so good to see you! How's everything?"

"We've been well. Nothing big, honestly. My photography with Katey is going pretty well. We had to shut down for a couple days for publicity reasons, but we're back up now. How's your life?"

"Sad to hear about the shop, but good to nothing big. We do not need another 1D girlfriend announcing she's pregnant... But life's pretty okay. I have more time on my hands for writing. I think Katie has already sent in another story to see if she'll get published."

"I heard my name."

I gave a knowing smile in her direction. "You heard right. How's the party been?"

Katie smirked. "Good, good. I think I finally calmed down from my weird happiness, giggly, forgetful high. People are starting to clear out." She leaned in closer to us and whispered, "I don't know about a fourth of these people Niall invited."

I laughed aloud. "Just smile and wave."

"That's what I'm doing," Katie agreed, giggling under her breath. "I see Hans found you."

Hannah smirked. "You didn't expect me to wait, did you?"

"Not at all. Nope." Katie shook her head.

We looked between each other and laughed some more. All four of our boys walked up behind us.

Liam shook his head. "I don't want to know."

"Neither do I," Niall agreed.

"Now that the devilsome three are together, we need to watch out," Harry remarked with a full on handsome smirk.

Louis scoffed. "When it's just Katie-Kat and Mads we need to watch out. With these three, we need a nuclear vault of some sort."

I laughed under my breath and whacked his arm. "Shut up, Lou. You, four, are no better."

"That's true. Please, while we're having the baby shower, do not get so gone Niall's peeing in the streets again," Katie stated, it was sort of an order.

"And so gone that Harry's puking off five pounds," Hannah added.

I nodded. "And that Lou is calling strangers his bird."

The three of us looked at Liam knowingly. "And so gone Liam is afraid of forks too."

"We get it." Niall rolled his eyes and kissed Katie's cheek. "I promise, no peeing in the streets. Only in Lou's."

"We won't go that far anyways. We're in the studio the next day." Liam replied.

I looked at Harry. "Don't let them pressure you. You have to be the restraint."

"Of course." Harry smirked.

It was now, I noticed that it was only us. It was definitely quieter. I loved it. It was peaceful.

"Who's ready for some uke playing and hangover casserole?" Katie asked, clapping her hands together.

I shot my hands in the air. "I am! Let's do this!"

Hannah squealed a bit and did a happy dance. "I haven't got a live performance from Kaddy&Matie in a while."

I chuckled. "Katie and I haven't done this in a while." I looked at Katie. "What're we playing?"

Katie smirked. "How about we pull out the ol' binder?"

"Not a bad idea." Hans nodded, clearly excited.

"I'm up for it." I shrugged. We haven't used that black binder in a long time. Then again we haven't made another video in years

Katie and I settled in the loveseat and the others were dispersed on the L-couch and matching chairs. I tried my best hold Steve but, of course, there was an obvious obstacle. I got dis.

"How about... Kiss You?" Katie suggested.

"Perfect." I laughed. I looked at the paper for a few seconds to refresh my memory of the notes and I didn't need much time to remember how it goes. I started up the strumming and we easily fell into playing together once again.

***

Katie entered Louis and I's house, seeming angry as she slammed the front door. "I can't believe him."

"What happened?" I asked, setting the tray of meats and cheeses on the table decorated in pink balloons and such.

"Niall doesn't want to keep the baby's gender a secret like me. I want to be surprised."

I looked at her, unsure of how to go about this. I knew  Niall's reasoning behind wanting to know early. I thought it'd be any logical parents' reason to know. I didn't fully understand why Katie didn't want to know.

I cleared my throat. "You know... Niall does have a good reason. Maybe let him find out. You don't have to know."

She rolled her eyes. "Niall's horrible with secrets, you know that. Why can't he just agree with me on this? I don't want to know until I give birth."

"I think because gender is a huge thing. Don't you want to know if you're going to have a little Horan boy or girl? You can get cute supplies ahead of time."

Katie huffed. "I don't know, Mads. In my head, I just want to wait."

"Give time to think about it. Did you leave Niall like this?"

"Of course," she scoffed. "We were fighting."

I shook my head. "Maybe wait a while and then call. You know Niall and what he'll do."

"Right." She nodded shortly. I could see some worry fall into her eyes, but she was obviously torn with being mad at him.

I gave her a small smile and went back to finishing up; it wasn't a lot. Katie said she was keeping it small. It was only close friends, and our moms did fly over for the shower, which was amazing.

A second later, the front door opened. An older woman, who Katie looked like, came in. "Katie, don't just leave me like that." She made a small huff and looked at me. "Hi Maddy, lovely house. On the outside and the inside."

"Thank you, Kris." I smiled and walked over to give her a hug. "How was the flight?"

"It was alright. Pretty long."

I chuckled. "I'm sure, but good that it was alright. My mom is over on the couch if you'd like to catch up."

I knew that my mom and Kris didn't talk much. My mom flew over a few days earlier and had been staying with Lou and I. Katie's mom just flew in this morning. I didn't know how she was still going.

"Okay." Kris nodded and walked off.

I found Katie in the kitchen eating some of the Swedish meatballs.

I giggled. "Who is all coming to this shindig?"

She swallowed. "Hans, our moms, one of your co-workers Charlotte, and Rachel. Like I said, it's small."

"The way I like it. We don't need a lot."

"I know." She smiled.

***

The group of women were bursting with laughter as my mom tried pinning the binky on the baby. I think you could guess what it was similar to.

My IPhone buzzed on the dark wood table and Harry's contact came up. Oh no. Quickly, I snatched it and answered, "Yeah?"

Harry cleared his throat. "It's not good. Louis is singing to a store mannequin and Niall is on the ground crying. And Liam went back to his hotel."

"What happened? We told you to watch them."

"Well... Niall arrived pissed off and started downing bottles before I could stop him. Lou, of course, joined him, not caring really."

I sighed. "Hold on. Text me where you're at." I hung up and gave Katie a look.

She knew. I didn't need to say. She shot up and grabbed her purse, phone, and keys. "No time to explain."

The drive over, I was more worried for Niall than Louis. Louis was drunk cause he wanted to party. Niall was emotionally drinking. It felt like it was taking forever to get over to the street they were on. Finally, we reached them and, honestly, I tried not to laugh at the sight before us; Harry was tugging Louis off a mannequin and out of the store's display.

Niall sat on the ground with his back against the brick wall of the store Lou sung to. His face was flushed, sweat lining his forehead, and fresh tears soaked his white tee. His hair was tossed as well. He was a mess. Unsure of what to fix, I stood on the sidewalk after getting out of the SUV.

Katie rushed over to Niall. "Niall..."

He started to blubber like a baby, "Katie?... I'm s-so sorry... I wass wrong, baby. I don't wanna know."  

"No, I was wrong. You have the right to know, so we'll make an appointment and find out. Please stop crying and get up. Please, Ni."

There was a small hiccup. "Okay... I l-love yuuu."

"Love you too." I could tell Katie was trying not to laugh now.

"I was jus-Mads!" I looked over in the direction of Louis's voice.

A small smile crossed my lips. "What have you been up to Lou?"

He threw his arms in the air. "Singing!... And having a few drinks, of course."

"More than a few, mate," Harry stated, seeming on edge.

"Thank you, Haz. You are free to go."

"See you in the studio. Maybe," Harry said to Louis and Niall, who was being supported a bit by Katie now.

After Harry left, Katie got Niall into the SUV and buckled. I didn't know if I'd ever seen that boy pass out so quickly after drinking. He was gone.

I didn't necessarily like to drive, but it looked like I had to. I held my hand out. "Lou, can I please have the keys? Where did we park?"

Louis shook his head. "I can drive. We're do-" he burped and laughed under his breath. "We're down the street."

Katie huffed beside me. "Louis, you cannot drive. Give Maddy the keys."

"No."

This was not going to end well. At all.

"Too fucking far along for this shit. God dammit." Katie stomped over to Lou and started searching him for the keys. Of course, he fought her on it. Katie pushed him to the ground and pinned him. She was not taking any of his drunken actions. She never had.

Finally, she handed me a pair of keys. "The only time I'm going to let you drive. I'll help you get him in the car, then you're on your own."

I nodded. "Thank you."

"Of course. I'll never leave you alone."

***

"Where's Katie? Oh, damn," Hannah stated. "What happened to Louis?"

"What do you think?" I asked. "I'm going to get him in bed and then I'll be back down to explain."

Louis leaned on me as we went upstairs; thank God he wasn't much bigger than me. We trudged down the hallway to our room. Despite what Louis said, vintage adorned our bedroom and basically the entire house. Of course, with Lou's modern European taste, it gave the decor a twist. The layout of the house was slightly larger than Katie and Niall's house. We had a third floor and they didn't, but it's the same size other than that.

Once I had Louis in a pair of sweats and a tee shirt and tucked in bed, I went back downstairs.

"So, the boys got piss drunk. Well, only Lou and Ni. Katie took Niall home and is gonna stay home for the night."

"What did we tell them?" Hannah remarked.

I shrugged. "Niall was upset and Louis wanted to party. But it's alright. Let's get back to the shower."

"Actually, I should get to Katie and see how she is," Kris replied and stood. "Thank you for the fun evening. Congrats on the girl."

I nodded. "Of course. I'll see you around, I'm sure. Thank you."

Jen stood up as well. "I should get to Harry."

"You do that," I agreed.

I escorted them all out and made sure they were fine. Kris caught a ride from Rachel, who decided to leave as well, along with Charlotte.

What a fun end to this evening.

I cleaned up a bit before going back to the bedroom. I pulled on a pair of sweats and a tee shirt, then I laid down next to Louis.

Louis shuffled beside me and wrapped an arm around my belly the best he could. "I'm s-sorry, my love. I love you."

"I know." I sighed heavily and reached out to run my fingers through his longer brunette strands. "It's okay. I love you too."

Next: Ch 15

[Masterlist]

[cooperjones2020]

Give me shelter, or show me heart

My contribution to our collective flailing over that deleted scene.

Or:

Jughead has a panic attack in Ikea.

(title from “Only Love” by Ben Howard)

ao3—>http://archiveofourown.org/works/11746176

Jughead’s hand is on Betty’s headrest as she drives, the modern day equivalent of having his arm around her shoulders on a bench seat. It’s not quite as good, but he can still twirl of piece of her hair in his fingers, so he’s pretty satisfied. He’d wanted to take FP’s truck, but Betty insisted her mom’s SUV would be better if they got any little decorative stuff. The furniture boxes would be fine in the truck bed, but linens and pillows and things? No way.

He isn’t quite sure what she meant by ‘little decorative stuff’ but he supposes he will need bedding at least. Though he doesn’t understand why that requires a trip to the blue and yellow monstrosity he can currently see from the interstate while they’re still three miles away from their exit.

When they finally reach it, and while Betty navigates the labyrinth of access roads, he says, “You know, I don’t think I ever realized you guys had a spare room.”

“We don’t, technically. But Mom and Dad are gonna clear out the office in the basement.”

“What? No, they don’t have to do that. I can just sleep on the couch or something.”

Betty gives him a look as she pulls into the parking lot. “Juggie. You’re getting a bedroom. They don’t need a home office. They already have an office. It’s at the Register. And if this means I get you 24/7 plus the added bonus of them maybe working from home a little bit less? We’re not questioning it. Now, come on. I have Mom’s credit card and we have shopping to do.”

And with that, the case is closed. He lets her tug him into the store. She’s using her determined walk and she has an iron grip on his hand that only relaxes when she pushes a cart toward him and whips out the mini pencil an employee had given her to begin writing down serial numbers and weird Swedish names. 

The sea of shoppers carries them forward on its current, and in each new section of the store the pile in their cart climbs higher. There’s sheets, pillows, something called a duvet cover. Even curtains and a throw rug. He draws the line at the decorative pillows though. Still, she sneaks in art for the walls and a matching set of lamps.

Then, he sees Betty flip over to the back side of her little slip of paper because she’s run out of space on the front. What the hell more does he need besides a bed? They could just drop an air mattress on the floor like Fred had and be done with it.

Look, Jughead likes to consider himself a pretty chill guy. And he’s got great focus; he can tune anything out. A skill he honed over longs years of trying to sleep with only flimsy trailer walls between him and his parents. He can sit in a busy diner for hours and only see and hear the words on the page in front of him. But this place? Sensory overload. He fights the urge to hide in the “Market Hall,” which seems to be code for the tchotchkes surburban housewives use to one up each other.

He succumbs to it in the part with all the bedroom set displays. When Betty finds him, he’s standing between a wardrobe and a fake wall concentrating on the feeling of the air conditioning in his nostrils.

“Juggie, come see this one bed over here, I think you’ll really like it—” She stops and studies his face. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just needed a break, that’s all.”

“Nothing is why I can see the vein pulsing between your eyes and why you’ve got your hat pulled down over your ears?”

He sighs and slides it back into place. “I thought we were just getting bedding and stuff. Betty, your parents are already doing so much. They don’t have to spend all this money on me too.”

“Jug, they want to. It’s not that big a deal. My mom gave me a budget and told me what she thought we should buy. I’ve been keeping track of the costs of everything as we go.”

He doesn’t know how to tell her that it is a big deal. That’s he’s never picked out his own furniture before, and he didn’t know a person was expected to have an opinion on the number of drawers in a nightstand and whether the wood should coordinate with the textiles. Hell, before today he’d never been fully sure what people meant when they said ‘textiles.’

He doesn’t know how to tell her that after months of steering all by himself, he’s afraid to let someone else get back in the driver’s seat. Even someone as terrifyingly competent as Alice Cooper.

“But, Betts, do they know they also volunteered to feed me? For every meal? Do you know how much I eat? Do you know how much a kid costs? And I probably eat twice as much as you and Polly. Well, maybe not Polly right now, but Polly normally. And, oh God, when the babies come? That’s three extra mouths!”

“Jug, stop.” She unhooks his arms from where they’re clenched, folded across his chest. She wraps them around her and slips her own around his waist, resting her chin on his sternum so she can look up at him.

“They know. You know my mother. By the time they asked us last night, she’d already calculated and recalculated the family budget from here til we go to college. I know it’s scary. And I get if you maybe…weren’t ready for this kind of intimacy in our relationship. I mean, last night in the trailer was one thing, but seeing me every morning with no make up and un-brushed teeth? Being around for every crazy Cooper argument?”

He tilts his head down and kisses her forehead. “I can’t wait to see you with no makeup and kiss you with morning breath. And I have a damn good pair of headphones. But your mom said it last night, you’re the perfect family. I don’t fit in that picture. Not least because I don’t have blonde hair.”

“I’ll dye my hair brunette so you won’t stick out so much. And there’s a very good chance the babies will have Blossom red hair.” Betty gives an exaggerated shudder then squeezes him tighter. “Please let them help. It’s just stuff. It’s just some furniture. We don’t have to get it all if you don’t want it, but don’t freak out and convince yourself you’re being a burden. You keep me sane and grounded every day. This is pennies compared to that. Besides, I’m sure you can just dedicate your first book to my mom and she’ll consider you even.” He laughs.

“Okay.”

They stay in the alcove between the wardrobe and the fake wall a few more minutes, and by the time they emerge, Jughead is no longer thinking about budgets and mouths to feed. Instead, he’s focusing on keeping an adequate supply of blood in the top half of his body.

In the end, they settle on a bed and nightstands, a dresser, a desk, and a roll-y chair with good lumbar support. For those late nights he spends writing, Betty says. There are a few tchotchkes, but not as many as before his freak out.

She smiles at him as they check out and it’s like winning the lottery and a lifetime supply of burgers all on the same day.

“Betts.” Jughead pulls on her hand and flicks his eyes toward the cafeteria. Betty rolls her eyes in response.

“Alright, I guess we can’t take your Ikea virginity and not have meatballs.” Jughead’s face splits into a shit-eating grin as he drags her over.

[kazlifeadventures]

Hej, Stockholm you are kinda cool!

Ok, I forgot to mention some of the other fabulous Swedish music acts...Swedish house mafia, Europe, ((I know - how could I have forgotten them!), Ace of base, the indominable and lost too young - Avicii, and omg Roxette!

I spent the first full day here doing exploration and getting my bearings. What a city! I did not realise that Stockholm is actually built on 14 Islands, located where lake Mälaren (the third largest of Swedens' lakes) meets the Baltic sea. Most amazing of all is there are apparently about 123000 lakes in sweden!! (Of varying sizes). In the centre of a traffic island/circle in the main city there is a huge fountain/light that has more than 80000 pieces of glass/crystal. It apparently symbolises the northern lights that can be seen in the north of the country. No water though. Winter....

The swedish Population is mainly concentrated in the southern half of the country with only small numbers living in the harsher northern area.  Surprisingly only 10 percent of the total land in Sweden is farmed, which is such a small amount!

Here's the biggie, the government has a program of free school education, including books and lunches for children. Healthcare and dentistry are provided for everyone for minimal cost to residents. Yep, they do pay for it in their taxes but their tax rates aren't that high... pretty sure this contributes to the Sweden being rated as one of the top places to live.

What did surprise me was to learn that around 60 per cent of the modern Swedish words are derived from German. They have a very different inflection in their language to the more gutteral German, Swedish is almost back of throat/nose based, making for some interesting sounds..(swedish chef is spot on!)

Fika is an awesome coffee and cake tradition.. that can be performed any time of the day! I'm on board for the coffee at least..

The Stockholm city hall is an amazing structure on the northern shore of Riddarfjärden lake. The nobel prize ceremony is held in a glorious hall here each year on the 10th December. Quick fact - It apparently took 12 yrs and 8 million bricks to build.

I took a boat trip around the harbour and its tributaries. Taking in the view from the water. I've found this to be a really great way of getting a different view of a city (if they have it as an option.) Plus it brings me back to water, bliss, even if it's cold you can still see things! I scoped out the bus terminal on my way back to the hotel so I knew where it was and how long it would take to walk there (preparation for my early start this morning!)

My day was capped off with some traditional Swedish food at a local highly rated restaurant/bar. As a solo traveller its often easy enough to score a table even if somewhere is busy .. you just have to be happy to sit in a corner, or in this case in a purpose designed solo seat that reminded me of an old school desk. Lol. Anyway, the food was amazing! I had pickled herring 3 ways with aquavit (like their own homemade herbal vodka shot to wash it all down). Oddly the onion pickle one was my fav, not the one with the lingonberries. This was followed by the best Swedish meatballs I think I've ever had. All washed down with a local craft beer. Awesome night.

My last full day saw me heading for my biggest goal, the ABBA Museum. Yep. I'm a big fan. I was so excited as I went into the first section I was almost in tears! ABBA music rings out everywhere. There is so much to see, and some awesome interactive exhibitions. Yes! I mixed ABBA tracks on a computer mixing board, auditioned in the sound booth, and best of all sang on stage with the holographs of the band!!! Wahoo best fun ever. I spent over 2 hrs there, just taking it all in. What a blast! They have the option of saving your interactions for viewing later. Nope, not sharing them, they are for me only (unless they're good when I look at them in which case I'll share!)

Heading to the Vasa museum afterwards was much quieter, but luckily for me I got there in time for a guided tour, for me that was awesome. I knew a little of the story of Vasa but to hear someone tell me the full story of the ship and its recovery and rebuilding was great. I cannot believe it sank, in the harbour, on it's maiden voyage..20 mins or so into its sail. There's alot to be said for ship building nowadays!

What a day, what a high! Back to pack so my suitcase is under 20kgs for my flight to Stansted.

Off to Morocco today!! Not sure what internet I'll have so may be offline for a while...

Post more Sweden photos soon!

[cakelanguage]

Prompt: Okay so apparently if you're a couple and you get proposed to at a restaurant sometimes your dinner will be free/free dessert or whatever so sometimes people will fake proposals to get free food lol. So Julien and Robin, fake proposal, bonus points for being ridiculous/cheesy/over-the-top ✨👌

This turned out to be a lot longer than I originally intended, but Robin and Julien like to banter, so I let them. I hope this lives up to your expectations!

“Julien, I hate to burst your bubble like this, but we can’tafford this place,” Robin whispered as the waiter walked away from their table.

Julien looked over at his smaller boyfriend. “Don’t worryabout it, I’m covering it,” Julien said with a smirk.

“Yeah, that isn’t reassuring, big guy.”

“Like I said, don’t worry about it, now do you want anywine?”

Robin shrugged, suspicion still present in his face. “Maybesomething a little stronger…”

Julien gave a mocked gasp. “Now Robin, this isn’t some bar,we have to have some class in a place like this.”

“Do you even have any of that?”

“I didn’t just borrow a suit from Lumiere for no reason.Fake it till you make it, Rob.”

As much as it painedhim to say it, Julien did look pretty good in Lumiere’s suit, it was a littlesnug in the back and chest, and a little loose in the stomach, but it stilllooked good. And dang it, the only reason Robin wore the stupid suit is becauseJulien insisted he needed to at least wear a dress shirt and a tie. Why theyhad to come to such a fancy and expensive restaurant when they could have justgotten microwave burritos or eaten some of the bakery leftovers was beyond him.Julien was always weird.

“Have you thought about what you’re going to order?” Julienasked, lowering the menu from his face.

“I thought we were talking about alcohol still?”

“We decided to get wine, now look at the menu and startdeciding. Do you want an appetizer? The waiters gonna be back soon and I’d liketo let him know then.”

Robin grumbled and opened up his menu, immediately chokingwhen he saw the prices. “Who the fuck charges $70 for an appetizer?!”

Julien snorted. “It’s probably truffle or something, justignore it.”

“70 fucking dollars for an appetizer, hell no… uh, how aboutSwedish meatballs?”

Julien waggled his eyebrows. “Sexy.”

The disgusted noise that left Robin was brilliant. “Is that ano?”

“Nah, those sound good, I’m always a fan of balls of meat,especially the ones that can go in my mouth.”

“You’re disgusting.”

“You love me.”

Robin would have responded with their usual antics had thewaiter not come back.

“What can I get for you, gentlemen?” the waiter asked. Theman’s fake pompous accent made Robin snort, which he quickly disguised as acough.

“A bottle of red wine, a Syrah if you have it.” Julien sentRobin a sappy smile that he didn’t normally see in public. “It’s his favorite.”

The waiter dutifully wrote it down with a dramatic flourish.“Can I get you started with any appetizers?”

Robin was tempted to question him about the $70 appetizer,but thought better of it. “Swedish meatballs,” Robin said before quicklytacking on, “please.”

“Of course and—“

“Could you just bring one skewer, I just—well, I thought itmight be more, you know—“

The waiter smiled. “Romantic? Say no more, I’ll get that rightaway.”

“Thank you, sir,” Julien said with a roguish grin.

As the waiter walked away again, Robin sent Julien a look.“What was that?” he asked.

“What was what?”

“Syrah? One skewer? Who are you?”

Julien smirked. “Daddy?”

“Say that one more time and I’m gonna let Hellboy sleep withus.”

Julien paled. He loved their bearded dragon son, but Hellboywasn’t exactly someone you wanted to have in bed with you. “I’m just playingthe part, two wealthy lovers on a date. Rich people know about wine.”

“And now we’re rich? Because last time I check, you alreadyused that money you got from your dad.”

Julien sent him a smile. “It was well spent.”

Robin blushed and turned his gaze back to his menu. “Yes,well, thank you again. I don’t know if I can ever repay you for that.”

“Just keep being you,” Julien suggested. “That’s probablythe best gift I could receive.”

Robin groaned. “Why are you being so cute today?”

“I’m always cute!”

“Well, yeah okay, but you’re all mushy and stuff.”

“I like being mushy with you.”

Robin rolled his eyes. Apparently he wasn’t going to wheedlethe information out of Julien that easily.

The wine was good, kind of reminded Robin of chocolate attimes and the meatballs were delicious. All the right seasonings and the cut ofmeat just melted in their mouths. They both ended up having truffle pasta fortheir entrée. Robin will be the first one to admit he judged the stupidmushroom too quickly, it did taste amazing, even though he was still saltyabout the price of the pasta.

“We could feed ourselves to our hearts content for over aweek with how much money we’ve spent tonight,” Robin hissed, even as he ateanother bite of his pasta.

Julien nodded. “Yep, we sure could,” he said nonchalantly,twirling his spaghetti onto his fork.

“Why are we here then?”

“To eat.”

“No shit, Sherlock, try again.”

“I wanted to do something special for you.”

“Special? Julien, I’m freaking out right now about how we’regoing to pay for this. So, ding-dong, you’re wrong.”

Julien chuckled. “You’re adorable when you’re angry.”

“I swear—“

“Robin.”

Robin paused his oncoming rant. Julien’s playful demure haddisappeared entirely all of a sudden leaving him looking slightly nervous. Whatthe hell?

“Robin,” Julien started again, licking his lips and noddinghis head firmly. “I—we’ve been together a long time, haven’t we? It doesn’tseem that long ago that you swooped in like some sort of demanding angel andhiring this sad escort.”

“The fuck are you bringing that up for?” His eyebrowsfurrowed; Julien didn’t particularly enjoy thinking about his escort days, sowhat was going on.

“Heh, I guess it wouldn’t make much sense to you, but youreally saved me back then. I thought nothing was left for me, that I’d justhave to keep living that lifestyle because my mother said that’s all I’d begood for. But you didn’t, you saw something in me that I never thought I’d see,something worth keeping, someone worthy of being by your side. I didn’t believeyou at first, I’ll admit that I thought you were like everyone else. But you’reso much more than that. So much greater than that. When I’m with you, I finallysee that special something that you saw in me. When I’m with you—it’s more thanI ever hoped for.” Julien paused and reached across the table to grasp at oneof Robin’s slack hands. “You’re my everything.”

Julien stood up suddenly and took a step towards Robinbefore dropping to one knee. Robin felt his breathing hitch in his chest and hestared wide-eyed at his boyfriend. What the ever-loving fuck was going on?Julien was proposing?! Had they talked about proposing? He blushed as a silencefell around the restaurant. God, he wanted the floor to swallow him, just draghim down and just be shitted out of earth’s asshole into space.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want tokeep bantering with you until we’re crotchety old men fighting over oatmeal. Iwant to spend forever going to the bakery to see your face and steal a snackfrom the case when you aren’t watching. I want to wake up, tangled in sheetswith you. To laugh with you, to kiss you. To raise our lizard son together anddress him up in stupid outfits and take him on walks to scare the public. Iwant forever with you.” Julien looked up at him with a shy smile, pulling out aring from his pocket. “So, would forever be okay?”

Robin’s face was on fire and he must have been allergic orsomething to that damn mushroom because his eyes stung like a bitch.“I—really?” Robin asked. It’s not that he didn’t want to marry Julien, it justdidn’t seem like them. Marriage was so formal and they… weren’t. But Julien waslooking at him with so much hope, he could say nothing but, “Yes, yes oh shit,yeah fucking hell, sorry, habit. Uh yeah.”

Julien sent him an elated smile and gently slid the ring onRobin’s finger before kissing him. It was an innocent kiss, only slightly lesschaste than a peck, but Robin felt it, the passion. Man, tonight was going tobe amazing.

He didn’t register the uproar of applause until Julien hadpulled away to gently cup his face between his large hands. Robin tried to duckhis head to hide from the cheers, but it was no use as Julien just kept lookingat him like he’d hung the moon and stars in the sky. He opened his mouth to saysomething, but their waiter came up to their table.

“Oh that’s just lovely, we haven’t had a proposal here inquite some time, but it really sets the mood for the restaurant. Rome is thecity of love.”

Robin opened his mouth to correct their waiter, but thoughtbetter of it. If the fake accent wasn’t enough, this had been the real kicker.

“I’m just glad he said yes,” Julien laughed.

The waiter nodded his head. “Ah! But where are my manners,the restaurant would like to foot your bill as their show of congratulations,and we have a dessert for you as well.”

Julien’s eyes widened. “Oh no, sir, we couldn’t—I just feltit was the right time to propose. We can still pay the bill—“

“No, no, no my good man, it is our pleasure to do so.” Hesent them a cheerful grin. “Besides, proposals like yours help get restaurantsbusiness or at least exposure. I will be back with your dessert shortly.”

Robin didn’t pay attention to him leaving, and just staredin wonder at the ring. It fit his finger perfectly and felt warm against hisskin. He wonders how long it had sat in Julien’s pocket before tonight. “So,fiancés?” Robin asked, his voice quivering slightly over the word.

Julien shrugged. “If you want to be.”

Robin tilted his head. “What?”

“Well, while I meant everything I said, we don’t have to getmarried or be fiancés. That used to be my grandfather’s ring and I got itfitted and engraved for you.” Robin hadn’t noticed any engravings on the ring,but he hadn’t really been looking. “But the point is, there’s been talk aboutpeople pretending to propose to get a free meal, so I thought we’d try it.”

Robin’s face went blank. “So you were just riding on thehopes that I’d say yes and the restaurant would pay our bill?”

Julien shook his head. “Nah, I’ve been saving up in secretjust in case neither of those happened. I really did want to do something nicefor you, Rob.”

He sat there taking in what Julien had said. So it was aproposal, but nothing concrete, nothing constraining, and very open. Yeah, hecould do that.

“Well, it has been a very nice night, thank you.”

“I’m glad, but it isn’t over yet. Consider the engraving onyour ring a promise.”

Robin hesitantly pulled the ring off his finger, nottrusting the devilish look Julien was giving him. Turning the ring just so, he could clearly see the engraving:

Hump Day Everyday

He couldn’t stop the laugh that tumbled out of his mouth. “Wow,I always forget you’re such a romantic, your grandfather must be so proud hisring is so treasured,” Robin teased.

“See? This is why I have to remind you about it, justin-case you forget,” Julien said, grabbing the bottle of wine and pouring bothof them another glass. “And he would probably laugh at the ring and give me ahigh-five, he was pretty cool. But I’m serious,” Julien licked his lips slowlyand quirked a brow. “You and I are going to celebrate tonight.”

Robin smirked and took a sip of his wine. “I’m lookingforward to it.”

[withabackpackandcamera]

February 16th, 2017

Day 28: A Rainy Day in the Scandinavian Capital

After an exhausting first day in Stockholm, I started the day pretty late, mainly because I wanted to sleep and because I wanted to do a little bit of planning before going out so that my last day would be more efficient than yesterday.

With a bit of planning for what to eat and where to go, I left the hostel and went northward toward my first destination: lunch at Stockholm Macka. This place was actually a restaurant I found online when looking for cheap eats in Stockholm. It was recommended on some BuzzFeed article and because I had never had Iranian sandwiches before, why not give it a try in Stockholm? The restaurant itself was small with a hole-in-the-wall feel and with space to seat maybe 6 or 7 people. But the food was delicious! My sub sandwich was the Spicy Gosht sandwich, which had spicy shredded pork or lamb with tomatoes, lettuce, gherkins, and a yummy sauce all on a French bread that was heated like a panini! It was so good!

After quickly thanking the cook, I started to make my way back toward the main city area toward a pedestrian/bike tunnel (between Tunnelgata and David Bargares Gata) that I saw online. It looked cool at the time so I decided to check it out. And really, the tunnel was a pretty ordinary yellow round tunnel but I stopped and took photos anyways. At around this time, the rain started and it became both rainy and cold outside.

But because the rain wasn’t too bad, I made my way slowly toward Old Town again, where I was hoping to get a better look at the area. I stopped by Parliament to take a look before giving The Royal Palace a try too. At the Palace, I spent most of the time trying to photograph the guards outside the gates. The first guard was cooperative until the point where I tried to symmetrically position him too much and he shook his head no more. So, as I laughed, I walked away and stopped by a couple of souvenir shops where I bought postcards and a keychain.

From there, I made my way over to Riddarholmen, a little island right next to Gamla Stan (Old Town). Not much here except for the gorgeous view of the other side of Stockholm with frozen river reflections included. I continued strolling aimlessly until I got to the northwest edge of Sodermalm, the suburb just south of Stockholm. While strolling, I noticed just how many restaurants and shops Stockholm had! The area I was walking through was filled with them, with an entire long street dedicated to it. It was here in Sodermalm that I found a McDonald’s to take a quick break in and to plan dinner.

Having access to McDonald’s is always nice because it’s busy enough that no one really notices you and you can usually find free wifi to use. Usually I’d expect to be able to take a quick bathroom break too but the McDonald’s restaurants here in Stockholm make you pay 5 krona to use it. Wha?? Yeah. Anyways when I figured out where I wanted to eat, I continued my journey to said eating place at the corner of Nytorgsgatan and Kocksgatan, a place called Meatballs For The People. Yes, I know, why more meatballs? Well, simply put, they’re so good and so homey! And a little cheaper than other Swedish dishes I could find. So here, there was a simple menu that only gave you an option for what type of meatball dish you wanted. I opted for the Deluxe which gave me beef meatballs and mashed potatoes with red wine sauce, bacon, mushrooms, and spinach. The price was a little higher than last night’s meal but I wanted to try a different sauce and so I’ll pay for the experience. And it was pretty good! Just not filling enough, sighs. But good.

After my satisfactory dinner, I headed back to my photography spot at The Gondolen to try my attempt at better pictures since I was equipped with a tripod tonight. But the photos just weren’t as good due to the poor weather and lack of color in the sky. So I ended my session early and headed to my last destinations of the night: the subways stations of Stockholm!

These subway stations were Stockholm attractions that I had completely forgotten about until this morning when I was perusing the internet for photography-worthy places in Stockholm. And the first time I even learned about these places was though Elia Locardi, one of the landscape photographers that I follow on social media. With all of his awesome photos and the awesome ones I had seen online, I was super excited to start my underground photographic adventure!

My starting point for the journey was Kungstradgarden Station, the start station of the Blue Line. There, I purchased a 43 krona subway ticket that would give me 75 minutes worth of subway time with unlimited access to all the lines. And so the race against time started!

I decided that the safest way to navigate the stations was to start far and work my way back, because in the event that I ran out of time and they didn’t let me ride for some reason, I’d be closer rather than farther and could just walk the rest of the way if needed. So off to Solna Centrum Station I went. And on the ride, I noticed that the trains in Stockholm were clean and comfortable, in a way similar to my experience with trains in Portland. Similar feel. Before long, I was at Solna Centrum and searching for that photo spot that I had seen all over the internet! An wow, what an amazing sight to see such massive artwork decorating the entire subway area! The art here was hard to describe but put simply, it was red and black with black houses and silhouettes painted in the black as it bordered the red color. And the escalators headed upwards from the tracks were awesome to see with the art around it.

And in similar fashion, I continued my journey and moved my way back towards the original start station. Next was Radhuset Station, where the decor was similar to Solna Centrum but with a more intricate design near the escalators, with a giant column, and a different dominant color, in this case, brown. Then it was T-Centralen Station, the main subway hub of the city. The walls here were royal blue with white leaves painted in. A crazy view! Then, with time left, I navigated the Red Line to Teknica Holgaska Station, where the decor involved science-y decor, with a polygonal object hanging from the ceiling and paintings of stars and space. Stadion Station was next with its gigantic rainbow painted on the ceiling. And lastly, Kungstradgarden Station. The theme here was mythology plus shapes. Here, there were statues of Greek figures and lots of decorations to go with those statues. Quite intricate. And on the walls, ceiling, and ground were colored patterns of stripes and plaid that were detailed to the point that the benches were painted in line with the stripes on the floor!

With the last station visited and photographed, wow, what an experience! So cool to see all those masterpieces and just so hard to really describe them. You just have to go see them for yourself in the future as this was one of those times where trying to explain something about the art you just witnessed just doesn’t do it justice.

And with that, my evening ended with a McDonald’s snack before wrapping up the day back at the hostel and getting ready for the next leg of my trip: The Lofoten Archipelago of Norway!

5 Things I Learned Today:

1. Seeing the underground subway art installations in Stockholm is just taking an art tour via the subways. And the best way to do the tour is buying a 75 minute pass that allows you to see as many stations as possible in 75 minutes (as mentioned). And if you want to just stay on one line, the Blue Line gives you the biggest bang for your buck! Cost is 43Kr.

2. That traditional Swedish meal you always think of, them meatballs, were once just normal home foods for Swedish people before becoming popular and “traditional” foods for tourists.  

3. Stockholm is a very artistic city. From the underground subway installations to random sculptures around the city, there is just so much to enjoy around the city!

4. Many of the buildings in Stockholm are orange or different shades of orange in color. I don’t really know why though….

5. The palace guards in Stockholm have a boundary line/semicircle that you cannot cross into. So you better watch out when getting those photos or they’ll catch ya and scold you (like they did to me)!

[dreddymd]

7 Unsettling Facts about Your Food

It’s dinnertime and you’re hungry. Following your internal cues, you decide to swing by the grocery store on your way home from work. That’s fine; after all, everyone has to eat. Nevertheless, do you really know the truth about that food you’re going to buy? If you take a closer look at the ingredients of your common foods, including staples, you may be surprised by what you find. These 7 unsettling facts about your food may make you look at grocery shopping in a totally different light.

7 Unsettling Facts about Your Food

Your food should be one of the safest, most consistent aspects of your life. It provides sustenance and satiation, and you should always be able to count on it for supporting your health and wellbeing. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. Many non-organic foods–including non-organic whole foods–may be dripping with untold health concerns. Here are some facts you should know about the food you may be eating.

1. Your Favorite Fish Is Probably Farmed

Global fish consumption is at such a high that natural populations have been dramatically depleted. This means much of the demand is—you guessed it—supplemented by farm-raised fish. In 2012, over 40 percent of global fish output was raised in captivity! Most shrimp production—56 percent—comes from farms in Southeast Asia and China, and 99 percent of Atlantic salmon is farmed. [1] Why is this problematic? Well, there’s the concern that you might not have known your fish was raised in captivity, but there’s also the very startling fact that many of these fish are essentially raised in very tight, perhaps dirty quarters. This makes them smaller than their wild counterparts as well as prone to injuries and illness.

2. Organized Crime is Getting Involved

Recently we’ve heard reports of food recalled due to improper labeling. Remember the IKEA Swedish meatballs incident? It’s not always about meat not being accurately labeled; sometimes it can be even scarier. Take the recent case of a criminal gang in China that sold almost 100 tons of tainted tofu to local markets. [2]The gang used an illegal bleaching agent to make the tofu sticks brighter and chewier. Banned from food production, the industrial toxin Rongalite–the ingredient used by the gang–has been linked to cancer. That’s definitely not something I want in my food.

3. Arsenic May Be in Your Rice

A study from the Institute for Global Food Security at Queen’s University in Belfast tested 81 different UK food products. Many of the products were food items sold specifically for babies and children. The study found that over half of the rice products exceeded limits of arsenic for children. Long-term exposure to inorganic arsenic—the kind in the products—can lead to cancer or heart disease. [3] Another study from Consumer Reports found that inorganic arsenic, which is the most toxic kind, can also get into water and soil—and thus, rice—from lead-arsenate insecticides. These were banned from the US in the 80s, but residue still lingers. [4]

4. Moldy Feces: It May Be Covering Your Food

The Natural Resources Defense Council recently posted over 300 pages of USDA reports revealing pretty disgusting conditions at two Foster Farms plants in California. [5] These are the same factories linked to an antibiotic-resistant salmonella outbreak, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Mold growth and fecal matter on chicken carcasses were highly noted in the reports. [6] The Council also revealed over 500 violations at other national Fosters Farms. The good news is these factories have made vast improvements in the eyes of the USDA and CDC. Still, can we ever really be sure what we’re consuming, especially if the food isn’t certified organic?

5. You May be Unknowingly Consuming Antibiotics

More and more farmers are using antibiotics in animals, despite the disastrous health effects of the medicines. The FDA released a report detailing how the rate has climbed 16 percent in three years. [7] Farmers have long used antibiotics to prevent illness. Due to the deplorable living conditions at conventional factory farms, many animals have weak immune systems and often require medicine to keep them in mediocre health. More often than not, animals given antibiotics show no signs of sickness upon administration. A 2013 policy was supposed to curb this practice, but still over 97 percent of antibiotics are given to animals and sold to farmers without a prescription.

6. Do You Buy Strawberries? You May be Consuming a Host of Pesticides

Most of us think strawberries are pretty tasty and healthy, but did you know they’re actually farmed with toxic pesticides? When you fumigate something, you put fumigants into the environment. In the case of non-organic strawberries, fumigants kill off any diseases, weeds, and pests before they become a problem. Unfortunately, following application you’re left with a toxic gas lingering in the air. To put it in perspective, California strawberries take up 1 percent of the state’s farmland but fumigants make up about 8 percent of the state’s pesticide use. [8] About 88 percent of the nation’s strawberries are farmed in California. [9] Perhaps even more worrisome are the health and environmental effects of fumigants, including cancer, developmental problems, and ozone depletion.

7. Fake Sweeteners Affect Your Weight and Metabolism

Research suggests that artificial sweeteners might do more harm than good, and I’m not only talking about their possible link to cancer. [10] Artificial sweeteners might affect the way your body processes sugar—something that could raise blood sugar, a possible precursor to diabetes. Because they contain no calories, these sweeteners aren’t digested but still have to make their way through the gastrointestinal tract. It’s here the sweeteners come into contact with our gut bacteria. One study found that gut bacteria can actually change in response to artificial sweeteners, and not for the better.

One Final Thought

These 7 things—while very troubling—are no reason to hide your head in the sand. Just make sure you do your research before purchasing food items. You should certainly purchase organic as much as you can to avoid issues with pesticides, artificial sweeteners, and other food additives. What about you? Do you know of any more unsettling facts about today’s conventional food system? Be sure to share them or your thoughts about this entry in the comments below.

Source: 7 Unsettling Facts about Your Food

References (10)

Hayashi, Yuka. Why Farmed Fish is Taking Over Our Dinner Plates. The Wall Street Journal.

Jourdan, Adam. China criminal gang floods market with 100 metric tons of toxic tofu. Reuters.

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Kindy, Kimberly. Fecal matter, mold and more found on Foster Farms chickens. The Washington Post.

Tavernise, Sabrina. Antibiotics in Livestock: F.D.A. Finds Use Is Rising. The New York Times.

Yeung, B. et al. 7 things to know before you eat your next strawberry. The Center for Investigative Reporting.

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Netburn, Deborah. Fake sweeteners may mess with the way our bodies metabolize sugar. The LA Times.

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