#pretty chill? as much as gay people's lives could ever be last century at least

[coffeeworldsasaki]

Hey isn't it great how literally nothing is different after 40 years

[fireheartwraith]

So, I decided to watch Fate: The Winx Saga after some deliberation (I saw the trailer and it looked cool). As I never watched the original Winx Club, I'm coming into this pretty much blind to the lore, so if you want to know what someone that doesn't have the "it's different from what I wanted" baggage thinks of the show, let's go!

Episode 1 and Episode 2

• Ooh, this is giving me flashbacks to my first day of university... Luckily Pedro is a good soul and saw me just standing there and asked me if I was a freshman (yes), if I was lost (very much so) and if I wanted help (please)

• I can tell the the show wants me to ship these two because meet cute but... I didn't think it was cute. He was kind of rude in the beginning and it wasn't *sparkles* it was small talk. My talk with Pedro was pretty much the same, except he was nicer. Being a decent person doesn't mean romantic attraction, Show, if you want me to ship this you will have to try harder

• Oh, he's the ex

• Something tells me Stella wasn't this bitchy on the original show. I am not here for the female rivalry, specially if it's because of a basic white dude

• I have never related to someone as much as I relate to Terra since I too tend to talk too much, too fast, and overshare to make up for my insecurities and anxiety. My mom is the plant gal though...

• I want a succulent!

• Bloom, who the heck talks on the phone with the speaker turned on in a room full of people you don't know???? Show wants me to believe you're an introvert when you pull this shit???

• I love Aisha

• I also love Musa

• Is a burned one kind of like a werewolf? Where if it scratches you, you turn into one? If that's the case, is there a way to get them conscious again? Like the wolfbane potion in Harry Potter

• I'm gonna pretend everyone is over 18 bacause I can't handle another Riverdale

• ........ everything changed when the fire nation attacked

• I'm sorry but you can't talk to me about the elements and expect me to not think about atla

• Being an empath in high school must suck. All that teenage angst....

• Changeling! Makes sense. My bet is that her father is the leader of the burned ones and the principal is her mom

• I get that she's missing home and normality but her mom was a bitch

• I'm glad they revealed this now and not at the end of the season, when literally everyone would know

• Stella quit being a bitch

• I expected the princess of Solaria to be a fire fairy, not an air one....

• Riven and Beatrix deserve each other

• Protect my gay baby!!

• MAGIC LESSONS

• Bloom needs to meditate and Stella needs to chill

• What kind of human parents name their child Bloom??? Aisha sounds like a human name, not fucking Bloom. I bet it's a white people thing, like Ashleigh

• Stop being mean to Aisha and Terra! They're just trying to help!

• Musa really found the one bitch in this place that doesn't have anxiety and went 👀 huh

• No! Don't use anger! Are you the only kid that never watched A:TLA?? Have you learned nothing from Zuko???

• No! Don't follow the whispery voice in the woods! That's how people get killed in horror movies!

• Oop, that's a lot of bodies

• Something tells me that burning a burned one isn't going to help

• Aisha to the rescue!

• Gross

• SO THERE IS A POTION

• Silva is a really common surname here in Brazil.... We're fairies confirmed

• Oh, they are going to pretend that Sam being Terra's brother is drama worthy huh

• Stella quit being a bitch /rt

• Yes! BOND

• huh

• That's different

Episode 3

• Have I already said that Aisha is the best??

• I still don't get what the specialists are. One the first episode Sky told Bloom "you are a fairy" as if he isn't one, and the only thing I've seen specialists do so far is fight with sticks. What are they doing in magic school?

• So, Silva can't get better until the burned one that infected him is dead? I'm pretty sure there's something like this in vampire or werewolf lore

• Is Silva Sky's dad or something?

• MAGIC LESSONS

• Don't go to the dark side Bloom! Beatrix bad!

• How many headmasters does this school have??

• Oh yeah, this dude is evil too. I forgot he existed

• Uh, do all hetero coupled do cringey shit like that?

• My mom starts talking to me about something she was thinking about as if I have the context ALL THE TIME!! We're all Terra #PowerToTheNerds

• But I'm more of a coffee addict than a tea aficionado

• Oh thank god they are using km

• RIP Silva

• Aaawww suite to the party!

• Okay but grown ups gossiping while being 100% of what the youngsters are trying to hide is my favorite trope ever

• All these pop songs are going to age the show

• Terra that was so awkward omg

• What the fuck Stella???

• How old do fairies get? Like, do they live for centuries?

• Is it bad that I discovered what shotgunning is through a smutty wolfstar fanfic? 😬

• Rosalind? Former headmistress Rosalind?

• Oop, another dead body

• Oop, Silva..... F 😔

• Bloom can't you listen to Aisha for once??? You are going to get yourself killed

• That's a sweater, not armor

• Because that's not creepy at all

• You could at least have phoned a responsible adult before running off into the forest looking for a toasted slender man

• Your suite mates don't qualify as responsible adults but it's better than nothing I guess

• Oh look, a portal to another dimension!

• Look! A responsible adult!!

• Oh, he's still alive

• Oh wait, nevermind

• Did she just Thanos him?

• Hugs!

• I still don't get what the specialists are

• My best friend in high school was adopted so I'm having flashbacks... Her birth parents got in contact after almost two decades of radio silence. It was a very difficult time for her, with lots of different and sometimes opposite emotions about the whole thing. In the end she accepted that whatever happened, happened and that the mom that raised was her real mom, no matter her faults. I hope that Bloom can get to the same conclusion

• Alright, I wasn't expecting Rosalind to be in magic cryogenic coma

• Why can't they meet? Is Rosalind evil or something?

Episode 4

• At least now Bloom is aware that her friends have their own lives and aren't they just to be her sidekicks

• Girls sticking together!

• Still don't get why Musa needs to hide her relationship with Sam.... If I was Terra I would be more upset that my friend was hiding the relationship from me than the relationship itself

• Last episode was Sky's daddy issues, so this one is Stella's mommy issues. And, of course, the whole show is about Bloom's issues (general)

• The Queen of Solaria is named Luna?? Huh

• This episode is also about snooping

• I'm going to find whoever thought hdr was good idea and force them to watch something on Netflix when the screen is so dark you can barely see what's happening

• I'm going to pretend that's a p!atd reference

• I'm going to pretend I didn't hear 2004

• Can the camera stop spinning, I'm getting dizzy

• Anakin noooo

• Rehabilitation magic?

• So Queen Kindness is not so nice after all

• I want to give Sky points for figuring it out but let's be honest here, it was not that hard

• When did they name themselves "Winx"? And what does that even mean?

• ANAKIN NO

• Good for you sky

• Yes! Tell the responsible adults!

• Push her

• So your parents were from Aster Dell

• Well they both are redheads

• Oh sweet Anakin...

• SEE???

• Silva that's shady as fuck

That's all for now! I will watch the rest, but don't know if I should make another post or just edit this one...

[cavehags]

do you have any articles you’ve read that accurately explain why you hate weddings and why they’re bad for women? i agree but i find it so hard to put in words so i need some ref

anon I want to have these resources for you!!! I do!!! but I have never found many compelling articles on this topic, and not for lack of trying. so I’m gonna try and gather up the ammo myself by going topic-by-topic, if I can. my hope is to give a holistic view of just some of the many, many harms marriage imposes on women. cw sexual assault, pedophilia, misogyny, abuse, basically everything bad.

i think a lot of people see marriage the way it’s practiced by 20- to 30-somethings in the coastal united states today as pretty much the only relevant snapshot of the tradition. if you’re a certain type of person, weddings make marriage look pretty good! most people enjoy lavish parties that someone else paid for. and almost everyone has, knowingly or not, been exposed to a lot of propaganda that states that a wedding is the happiest day of a couple’s life, that women in particular are or deserve to be in a state of bliss on their wedding day, and that all the trappings associated with weddings, from purchasing expensive dresses to purchasing expensive tablecloths, are fun expressions of the couple’s creative side. obviously this is marketing dialed up to eleven and none of it is true. further, people like to argue that because brides tend to take the more active role in wedding planning, therefore weddings are in some way a feminist practice (????). this is total nonsense. for a start, weddings put women on display as physical objects–just think of how much marketing goes into the idea that a bride should look perfect on her wedding day, with a dedicated stylist and hairstylist, a team of friends and relatives to get her dressed, and a dress that cost at least $1,600 on average (i’m not linking to theknot dot com but trust me, that’s what it says). don’t forget that there will be a photographer and a videographer there to capture the bride at her most beautiful. and you only have to google “wedding crash diet” to see how how beauty standards of thin bodies are a singular focus of obsession by the wedding industry.

putting women on display for their physical apperance disturbs me. enforcing the idea that finding a man produces the most beautiful day of a woman’s life also disturbs me. and marketing that pretends that the happiness of a couple is in some way connected to how much they spend on a big, dumb, sexist party also disturbs me. but that’s just weddings.

i could put aside my issue with weddings if weddings weren’t just the first day of marriage. because my real issue is with marriage. so anon, i’m going to take you on a tour of everything that sickens me about marriage to put all my wedding hatred into context for you.

marriage is an ancient practice and misogyny is embedded in basically every variant of marriage ever practiced in the world. the commercialized, commodified weddings practiced by affluent couples in the west today just put some gloss and propaganda on the old tradition. but the skeleton of the tradition is really fucking ugly and hateful towards women. and the more you examine how marriage plays out today, the more you see that that hasn’t gone away. and it never will.

let’s start with the basics. historically, marriage as an institution has reinforced the myth of male superiority by giving tangible structure to what was previously just a notion–the notion of gender roles. if a home contains one man and one woman (often a girl, really, but i’ll get to that), then it naturally follows that a man’s role is to contribute x, y and z to the household, while women contribute… uh, a through w at the very least. and often x, y and z too. so you’re immediately left with a society where men are expected to be active and women are expected to be passive. that mandated passivity erodes choice and freedom and consent.

many forms of early marriage permitted men to have multiple wives while women were of course tied to their one husband. across the board, the minimum legal age for marriage has been lower for girls than for men, since long before anyone understood fertility patterns; though it may have been stated in some cases that this is because women “mature faster,” the real reason is that men were expected to have established themselves and their wives were expected to be young, inexperienced and virginal. across the world, married women have often been treated as if the act of marrying a man symbolizes passing from one guardian to another; this is clear even from an extremely common ritual still practiced today–the changing of the bride’s last name to match her husband’s. and worldwide and throughout histories, legal systems have granted husbands the right to control their wives and everything in their orbit. this includes the practice of marital rape.

girls and women have always been denied choices and agency through the constraints of marriage. child marriage is an obvious example. in many parts of the world, girls as young as seven years old (which was the minimum in the united states in 1880, btw) have been forced to marry adult men. marriage is the only cultural ritual practiced in large numbers today that transforms what would be viewed as sexual assault on a child one day to a private family matter the next. child marriage is slavery and still takes place in 50+ countries today, including the US. child brides, who are often from poor families, are thrust out of their homes generally because their parents are looking to eliminate the financial burden of raising a girl. but in their new marriages, they are subject to violent rape and domestic violence, dangerously young pregnancies that put fatal stress on their developing bodies, and a host of inequalities in the law that permit their husbands to do whatever they want with them. marrying eliminates any chance of a young girl enjoying her childhood or pursuing an education. her life prospects are reduced to a short lifetime of unpaid domestic labor and sex she can’t consent to.

further, marriage between partners of any age is wrapped up in the idea that men must control women and girls’ sexuality. some have argued that the practice of marriage is commonplace for no other reason than to keep women’s sexuality in check. naturally, then, what we’re left with is a longstanding tradition of marital rape. throughout history, in many places, rape of a married woman was legally considered a crime against her husband and not the victim herself, as she was his property. extending that logic reveals that no husband could be found guilty of assaulting his property. so marital rape was commonplace, and was not even viewed to be a crime in many parts of the world until the twentieth century. through marriage and the misogynistic laws surrounding it, a very chilling sentiment was normalized: the concept that men are entitled to sex with the women in their lives. that perspective has not yet been fully destabilized. in a 2018 study of 4,000 british adults, a quarter of participants reported that they don’t believe marital rape is rape.

some other quick hits… the extremely widespread practices of paying dowries and bride prices further reinforce how marriage is understood as a transaction over a woman. and i wouldn’t want to overlook how the structured gender roles enforced through marriage resulted in trapping generations of women inside their home, where they were expected to do all the household labor and reproduce for as long as their bodies could support it. think of all the work those women could have done in the world, and all the worldly experiences that they might have had, if they were not trapped in their homes based on the idea that only their husbands had the right to experience the world.

marriage is a religious tradition that was eventually adopted by the state. but we already know that many religions were constructed by and to the advantage of men, and they are full of quite misogynistic traditions, including the ideology that shaped marriage rituals over the centuries. the state recognizes marriage and grants certain privileges to married couples that others don’t have access to. often these privileges can be life-saving, as in the case of the benefits pertaining to medical insurance. the legalization of gay marriage, and before that, interracial marriage, expanded the prospects of who was eligible to reap those benefits. however, there will always be limitations on who can enjoy those benefits–and use them to survive–so long as they are extended to married couples only.

and then suppose that a woman has decided that she’s seen enough injustice in her marriage and she would like to divorce. research shows that women face a great deal of gender-based scrutiny in divorce courts, and when men sue for custody–which occurs in a minority of cases–they generally win. and in cases of abuse, divorce is a costly obstacle to a woman escaping with her freedom. some abused women have said that the time-intensive process of divorce put them off of leaving. the regimented structure of marriage was a trap that subjected those women to a greater degree of violence.

so! all this being said, i am adamantly against marriage. i cannot see a version of the practice that doesn’t just slap a shiny coat of paint over a violent tradition that has restricted women’s rights to a horrifying degree and continues to do so today. so when i see weddings treated as romantic and aspirational and objects of envy in the media, i’m left feeling disgusted that this tradition is so often painted as good for women. wedding magazines are marketed to us. there are new startups emerging every day that promise to make the wedding-planning process easier, more fun, more romantic. i just can’t see the romance in women’s continued subjugation. 

anyway. i hope this was helpful. there are lots of BOOKS you can read with plenty of history on marriage: i just read who cooked the last supper?: the women’s history of the world by rosalind miles and there’s in depth discussion of the many abuses women were subject to under the laws governing marriage. you might even look to the wikipedia page for criticism of marriage to start more research.

[bigskydreaming]

Can I just say, I am so on board with Duggan showing that when Bobby is really mad, like icy rage kind of chilling mad, all puns intended, like....he is an elemental Terminator jacked up on steroids. He literally just dropped temps so low he smashed through the thick steel hull like he was here to huff and puff and blow their house down, and I personally found it very sexy the way he responded to them trying to kill him by simply making all their trigger fingers snap off from frostbite. What? I’m a very vindictive reader and they deserved it.

And after just ranting the other week about how they needed to just up and let Bobby use his teleportation power all the time without help.....*sobs* here we have him teleporting himself and Bishop across the world just minutes after teleporting himself there in the first place, all without any help or even breaking a sweat. FINALLY!!!!!!!

But that said, on another note, examining this all more seriously:

So, while all of us readers know that Kate’s return is inevitable, as this series has been literally telegraphing this story direction from issue one, with it clearly only being part of her over-all story in this book rather than the end of it.....the characters themselves have no reason to be confident she’ll come back at all, let alone soon, given their concerns about her not being able to interact with Krakoa the way other mutants do.

(Personally, I suspect the reason they’ve paced things the way they have is because Kate’s murder and the mystery of whether or not she can be brought back the same way as everyone else, like...I half suspect that’s going to be among the first things X-Factor deals with, given the premise of that book, and that’s why they’re lining things up for all of this storyline to lead into right around the time X-Factor debuts. But maybe its something else entirely. Who knows. There does seem to be something going on with Lockheed, given the way the last couple of issues have framed focus around him, though I’m completely baffled as to how that could be crucial to this story, but guess we’ll see).

ANYWAY, so we know Kate’s coming back, and likely pretty soon, but the characters don’t know that, not for sure. And when you consider that Bobby, as well as being one of Kate’s really good friends and even dated her in the past, has a kind of unique perspective here....it makes total sense for him to be the one that just goes stone-cold killer here. (Again, pun absolutely intended. Look its me. Its Bobby. Read the room. I’m gonna be doing this a lot here).

Of course, he doesn’t actually kill anyone, as Bishop’s there to remind him to cool it in time, but he is merciless in his own way, and calculated and deliberate. So again...one of Kate’s dearest friends, no doubt feels guilty for being away with Christian while Kate was murdered instead of with her and protecting her......and one other element:

Bobby’s one of the few mutants that already was facing the prospect of immortality before they came up with the resurrection process. Its been an underlying source of angst for him for a long time, and IMO the true cornerstone of why he’s so often been resistant to exploring his powers and examining the implications of them, and what they suggest about his future:

See, more than anything, Bobby fears being alone. He loves people, he loves the people who are dearest to him, he craves normalcy in the sense of things that are familiar and comfortable to him....and his powers are antagonistic to all of that. Because the many times they’ve proven able to bring him back from the brink of death without him even consciously using them, and the glimpses of futures where centuries from now he’s still around as this jaded, bitter ice wizard or elemental being.....force him to constantly be aware of the potential and even likelihood that he is going to VASTLY outlive pretty much every single person he’s ever loved and ever will love.

People often note Bobby’s tendency to be drawn to various villains or antiheroes, describing this as him having a thing for the bad boys (and girls, before his coming out)....but there’s never really been any sign of the usual hero/bad guy narrative with most of these. He doesn’t actually ever ‘try and change them’ or really think he can, and there’s never anything that suggests that he like, finds their ‘dark side’ itself appealing, nor does being around them make him act more uninhibited or less altruistic or anything, at least not to any strong degree I don’t think.

But IMO, the focus on the bad guy attraction is only one way to go with that. I’ve always noticed there’s another common element that can be found in the more unexpected people Bobby tends to be drawn to:

And that’s the fact that from Mystique to Daken to the occasional cosmic being or god.....they all tend to be people who have the potential to live as long or longer than Bobby himself. People he doesn’t have to worry as much about losing, if he were to fall in love with them.

So consider that Bobby has for so long consciously and subconsciously limited himself and his own development, avoided touching on or examining the many times and things that have foreshadowed his own longevity....because he’s afraid to face it, afraid to even contemplate the idea of there coming a time when most if not all of his closest friends and loved ones are all dead and gone, and he’s still here, still alive, because his powers kinda ensure he’s always among the last standing.

And then along comes Krakoa and all its changes and bounty, and the resurrection process which is almost too good to be believed, a gift for all mutantkind that offers the potential for longevity, even immortality for all of them....

Overnight, everything changed, not just for mutantkind as a whole, but for Bobby himself. Because the resurrection process doesn’t actually offer him anything he really needs HIMSELF. Its not likely he’ll ever need to use it, or that it would even work on him at all (since Bobby’s powers have fairly recently evolved to make him extremely hard for psychics to read, especially when in his ice form, but also even while flesh and blood....so its not a given that Xavier even COULD ‘back up’ his consciousness in Cerebro as easily or as frequently as he does other mutants).

So the resurrection process doesn’t change much for Bobby himself....but its existence and ramifications....they changed EVERYTHING for him. All of a sudden, everything he’s dreaded and feared about his future, everything that’s been underlying his fear and even hatred of his own powers at times.....just like that, its no longer relevant. Everything looks different to him now. The future is no longer something to avoid imagining whenever possible, its something to look FORWARD to......because now he can picture still having his friends and loved ones with him, far from now. He can PLAN for things, he can WISH for things. He can finally start to embrace his powers and thus himself, his full self, without fear of it taking him further and further away from everyone his own immortality has always threatened to leave behind. (I find it very interesting that its NOW of all times that Bobby finally unlocks his teleportation ability, for instance).

But just as Bobby’s started to finally be less cautious with his powers and his relationships, started to just...live, without being constantly afraid and waiting for the day his loved ones start to leave him for good....just when he begins to wrap his mind around that hopeful future.....

Kate, one of the people most important to him, dies.....and all of them are terrified she’s an exception to the new status quo, and resurrection won’t work on her.

So yeah. Bobby lost it this issue. Cold Snap was a particularly fitting title, and if ever there was a moment to showcase how dangerous the widespread death of X-Men and various of Bobby’s loved ones could be for the world and the future....it was this one. Because while I say “Bobby lost it” and you could see Bishop fearing that was exactly the case....I don’t think that means that Bobby was out of control, rather than just he lost sight or willingness to throw up barriers between his most vengeful impulses and reasons to hold himself back. I fully believe everything Bobby did this issue was willful and calculated....he knew exactly what he was doing, and he’s not remotely sorry for any of it, because they took away one of the people he can’t bear to lose JUST as he was starting to get used to the idea that now he might not ever have to actually lose them.

So. Iceberg dead ahead, indeed.

Below the cut: More about the specific ways Bobby and Bishop’s powers work almost exactly opposite, and what that implies for how vulnerable Kate’s true murderer Sebastian Shaw is to the specific friend of hers who appears to have taken point on avenging her death.

Also, me getting rambly again about Bobby’s ultimate potential as the Phoenix/Jean’s true thematic opposite - the inevitable heat death of the universe - and why their fire and ice dichotomy was never a coincidence when the two of them in specific were made the original omega mutants.

Also also, more puns. Because can’t stop won’t stop and they’re necessary. I have a mandate, back off.

So. It was also particularly fitting that Bishop was disturbed by what Bobby was doing because I mean.....again, this isn’t OOC for Bobby, its just he very very VERY rarely gets like this because he IS so aware of how destructive he can actually be and isn’t fully comfortable being a walking force of nature in human/twink form. He signed up to be a disaster gay, not a natural disaster gay. Okay enough with the puns. POINT BEING.....add to that the fact that Bishop, of all the X-Men, has always been the most conscious of the threats they could each be if unchecked, given his original focus on ferreting out who the X-Men traitor was that was destined to lead to the team’s early deaths.

Which means, although it comes up VERY rarely, Bishop has always kept in mind that despite how formidable he himself is, the precise nature of their powers makes him one of the people LEAST suited to deal with the possibility of an out-of-control Bobby Drake on a rampage.....because Bishop’s power is to absorb energy, any kind of energy, and turn it into something he can use offensively himself.

Problem is, despite how often Bobby’s depicted shooting ‘ice beams’....he doesn’t project any kind of energy at all. Its the exact opposite. Bobby’s power at its core is basically a middle finger to the laws of thermodynamics. Cold isn’t an energy after all, its just the absence of heat.....which in turn is really just energy produced by the frenetic kinetic motion of molecules.

Bobby doesn’t project energy, he takes it away. And not even by absorbing it himself, its more he just....makes it go bye-bye. Through some process nobody truly understands, least of all him, but there’s no transfer of energy from one source to another when he uses his powers. Its more that all that kinetic energy in the area he’s focusing on, no matter how small or large it is, the molecular activity responsible for the production of any amount of energy at all.....just....stops.

Again, its why I’ve always said that despite how he’s usually depicted compared to her, Bobby truly is the most ideal thematic opposite to Jean and the Phoenix Force, and its why it was a perfect choice to make him the other original omega mutant, alongside her.

After all, Jean as the Phoenix was always shown as a force of fire and light...and her ultimate potential/destiny was usually written as the reincarnation/resurrection force....essentially, the Phoenix is meant to be the spark that reignites creation, that begins everything again, once destroyed.

Bobby, in contrast, isn’t just the Iceman.....his ultimate potential and destiny could just as easily be described as the natural and NECESSARY counterpart to the Phoenix Force....the inevitable Heat Death of the Universe.

Since, much like global warming, the heat death of the universe is a somewhat misleading title. Because of the emphasis it puts on heat, most people hear it and tend to think of the end of the universe being an explosive thing, one last blaze of glory. But in actuality, another name for the heat death of the universe is The Big Chill or The Big Freeze. The whole theory behind it is that the ultimate fate of the universe is that it will someday reach a point where there is no untapped thermodynamic free energy LEFT to power entropic cycles. 

And as entropy is the natural state of the universe....no more entropy means no more universe. It doesn’t imply that the universe would be destroyed or explode, implode, cease to exist....its more that everything would just....stop. Not because it dropped to some specific temperature or anything, but simply because.....there’s no more molecular movement happening. Nothing in motion....and without that molecular motion to PRODUCE energy that in turn powers all the other natural forces/states of being in the universe....nothing can ever happen again, from that point on, basically....

At least not without an outside catalyst, an external force acting to restart, reignite molecular activity, a self-contained power source that could funnel enough external free energy back into the machinery to jumpstart it again....a fuel source for essentially...a Big Bang, an explosion so big that it produces so much free energy that everything starts up again, in whatever new configuration it all settles into in the wake of that primordial explosion. And thus, a universe is born anew, like a phoenix from the ashes, etc, etc.

Anyway, got off on a tangent there, as I am wont to do, but in the vein of my fondness for usually super nice characters who are actually super dangerous if you go about pissing them off in just the right ways, and who could absolutely be the most villainous villains to end all villains if not for their willful and constant choosing of GOOD over self-service and prioritizing their own wants and needs over that of innocents.....

Well, in actuality, the goofy, eternal frat boy, pun-loving, deliberately and consciously immature ‘little brother’ of the X-Men, Bobby Drake....he’s not just an ice sculptor and snow cone maker, for all that he mostly uses his powers just for that stuff, by CHOICE. Because nobody’s more conscious than he that when he really puts his mind to it, there is literally not a more ideal killing machine in the entire Marvel Universe than Bobby himself.

Like, Thanos? Fuck that guy. Thanos would have Bobby-envy if he ever pulled his head out of his own ass long enough to notice someone other than himself. 

Plenty of other mutants, superhumans and even cosmic beings are extremely dangerous killers in all kinds of ways, capable of enormous destruction.

None of them are more suited to one specific part of the Celestial endgame than Bobby himself:

He’s the end result of the attempts to engineer a new generation of cosmic beings that could be the architects of a whole new universe, just as they were the architects of the current one. 

But in order for a new universe to someday begin, the current one has to someday end. 

And the X-Men’s goofy gay twink is the one being noted by Marvel’s current roster of cosmic beings, as being the potential killer of universes needed to make that part of the eternal universal cycle happen. 

The guy who one day, thousands or millions or even billions of years from now, in whatever form he exists in by then...

(since omega mutants were originally described as evolution incarnate, those mutants who are constantly evolving themselves even as they live, so that there is no upper limit to how their powers can grow, change, adapt, mutate, with a by-product of this being they all at some point evolve some way of transcending the limitations of physical bodies and mortality).....

....could just snap his fingers and make everything, all energy, all motion, all molecular activity, just.....stop.

Anyway! Obviously, most of that is just hypothetical and conjecture even within universe, and a long way from ever happening in-universe, if at all, and Bobby for all his power now is still nowhere near that point.

BUT....the reason I brought up Bishop’s disturbed reaction at the start of all this, and noted how Bishop himself is uniquely unsuited to dealing with the Iceman on a rampage....

Is that there’s one specific character whose powers work an awful lot like Bishop’s....which means he shares that specific vulnerability to Bobby in particular.

With that being...Sebastian Shaw, the man ultimately responsible for what happened to Kate, the one who actually killed her and set all of this in motion.

Because just as Bishop absorbs all forms of energy and reprocesses it into offensive energy blasts he fires back on his attackers....Sebastian Shaw absorbs all kinetic energy and converts it into superhuman strength. Making him an almost unstoppable tank, as pretty much everyone’s attempt to fight him only makes him stronger, while doing no actual harm to him.

Except...enter Bobby. Who doesn’t need to hit Sebastian to hurt him. Doesn’t need to feed him any energy he can use at all. All he needs to do, is take all the heat in Sebastian away, and he can shatter him into a million pieces, just like he did all those mercenaries’ trigger fingers. 

And when people find out Sebastian’s part in all this, he’s going to run, no doubt. He’ll probably slip off the island before anyone can manage to get their hands on him, and he’s got so many resources and connections of his own, he can easily flee to any part of the world without needing gate access, and buy his own private army to defend him.

But when you look at how Bobby was this issue, how relentless and implacable, and how little he cared or even acknowledged any of the armed men before him as any kind of threat at all....

Its very easy to remember that as long as he stays in his ice form, Bobby doesn’t need to eat or drink or sleep or ever stop. Period. And as shown in this issue, he can now teleport across the globe in an instant. There’s pretty much nowhere he can’t reach on his own now.

Like I said. An elemental Terminator jacked up on steroids. There’s nowhere Shaw can go that he can’t follow. No obstacle Shaw can throw up in his path that Bobby can’t shatter and just walk through without slowing. No amount of mercenaries Shaw could hire, that could actually pose any kind of threat to Bobby. And absolutely nothing Sebastian or his own mutant power could do to protect him from the specific advantage Bobby’s own abilities give him in any kind of direct confrontation between them.

In summation.....Bobby Drake, killer of universes, might be billions of years away from reality, if ever.

But even right now, at this point in time.....he’s already evolved into nature’s perfect Sebastian Shaw killing machine.

And I think after this issue, that’s particularly relevant.

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

Safe Harbor (3/?)

A/N: Thor really has no chill, guys. Sorry Not sorry.

You weave through traffic on your motorcycle fearlessly headed towards your parent’s brownstone. You’d call it home but it wasn’t. Not really. It was a mausoleum for living creatures. A place where your parents hid from the modern world in a bubble filled with things and customs they understood. 

They hadn’t left it but for brief trips to the Country since long before you were born. Possibly since after they arrived there after the Civil War shortly before Warren’s birth. You’d been born and raised in that house but it wasn’t home. Your boat was home. 

You let yourself in, ignoring the staleness of the air. The smell of dust and rust and wood varnish. You nod to Warren who’s sitting at a pianoforte playing for your mother and head upstairs. Father has your “Allowance” in his study and Mother does not like her concerts to be disturbed. You’re already (not regrettably) late and Father will have been vaguely concerned. He’s not really been concerned about anyone in decades, his mind is too full of the past to worry about the present or the future. 

You knock on the door quietly and are rewarded with a rough “Enter.” So you do. Your tread soft on the old wood, “Papa,” you say softly, “How are you? Did you get my letters?” He looks up half in dreams, “Yes, yes, Very good daughter. I did get them. Though I don’t understand how you’re going to find a mate to protect you in the middle of the ocean.” You smile a little. You’d had this talk many times, “Papa, I don’t need a mate to protect me. It’s a new time. I can go anywhere I want. I could be a doctor now. Or a soldier. Or even a politician.” Your father shakes his head and hands you an envelope with a little extra money in it. You don’t need it, really. But it’s nice to have something for a rainy day. “My darling girl, it may be a new time but some things don’t change. You have teeth and claws. You are a wolf, fierce and cunning. But everything about you invites challenge. Stupid men, mortal or otherwise will want to possess you. And what will become of you when you’re tired of fighting them? What will become of you when you cannot fight them?” You bend down to kiss his cheek. You know that you still smell like Thor. The scent of pine and Ozone clings to you after your night together, reminding you that he’s going to call. But your father doesn’t comment. There is nothing for him to say. You’ve already lost his attention as he drifts in his mind. Back to his boyhood. Back to the court of Isabella and Ferdinand. Back when he was once considered for Cathrine of Aragon. 

Warren is finishing his concert as you go back downstairs. Mother is clapping and Warren is bowing. You wait patiently at the door as Mother fusses over your brother. Warren is her firstborn. Her favorite. You idly wonder if Mother knows that Warren is gay as she pesters him to find a mate and get a wife because at 200 years old she wants to be a grandma already. You cough quietly and your mother turns,  “Oh, Y/N, you’re finally here I didn’t notice,” she said, taking in your appearance. True born female werewolves are plump as a rule. It makes it so they can endure the amount of energy it takes to hold off the change at the full moon until the birth of the child. Mother is not true born and it was only sheer dumb luck that you managed to be born at all. Neither is Warren. Mother was changed after Warren’s birth and Warren was changed at 22 in 1890. Your mother’s eye zeroes in on the mark Thor had left on your neck that’s fading to a lighter, duskier purple. She takes in your size, mentally deciding that you’d gained weight (you hadn’t. You never do. Your weight is the exact same it had been when you stopped aging at 16). She tuts and pats the seat next to her reluctantly, “You could be so pretty, Y/N. Why don’t you at least try and lose weight?” You sigh, “Because Mama, I live to serve as your biggest disappointment in life. It’s my only real talent.”

Warren turns a snort into a cough masterfully and hands you a cup of tea, “Well, Mama,” he said, “I’m glad she’s plump or I might have to spend all my time fending off her suitors with a stick and then I wouldn’t be able to play you concerts every morning.” You catch Warren’s eye and he winks. It’s a redirection. She’s now so busy gushing about Warren’s playing she’s half-forgotten you were even there. He keeps her off your back until Mother decides it is time to change from her Morning clothes into her Afternoon clothes, bemoaning that all the people she could possibly want to go visiting are dead. In her own day, mother was a debutante, beautiful and sparkling as she whirled around a dancefloor on the arm of her escort. She was everything a woman was supposed to be then and she hated that you weren’t. She hated that you passionately rejected doing needlepoint and that the only instrument you played was the guitar. She hated that you didn’t speak French and only spoke “unfashionable” languages (not that she knew which ones you actually could speak). Warren walks you to the door and hugs you, kissing your head, “So, little sister,” he says grinning, “When do I get to meet your new toy?” You shrug, “I dunno how long I’ll be in town. We only met last night and I’m not sure he’ll want to make our arrangement long term.” Warren pulls your shirt collar away from your neck and inspects the bite, “One night and he already found your spot,” he whistles softly, “You little tart. What would mother say?”

“I dunno, let's go ask her while I ask her if she’s been introduced to the Vampire boy you keep over in the Village,” you shoot back with a cheeky smile. You would never do that. Warren and Roderick were a cute couple. They worked. And Roderick made Warren happy. That was all you really cared about. Warren Shushes you and playfully pinches your cheek, “You’re just trying to take my spot as the favorite,” he scolds. You shake your head, “I could never do that, Warren. You understand either of them better than I ever could.” He kisses your forehead, “Give it a few centuries, pet. You’ve not even lived through one lifetime yet. Someday you’ll be old and doddering on your ship and your kids will have to hear you nattering on about the good old days as if they really were that good.”

He shoves you gently out the door and shuts it behind you as Mother calls out from the top of the stairs that she believes it is time for lunch. He can handle mother but today, she’s in a mood and she’s looking for a fight. He’d prefer not to have to listen to her snipe at you all afternoon and watch you have to play the dutiful daughter. 

Out on the Street, he watches for a moment as you answer your phone, smiling. The words are garbled between Mother’s tone-deaf singing, the door, and the street noise, but the tone is clear. Your new boy called you and he would very much like to see you this evening.

...”I was thinking we could have dinner,” Thor says, smiling as he listens to you shout at some kids who are edging too close to your motorcycle. “Is that so?” you say teasing. “Well, what if I had a better idea?” Thor loves the teasing tone in your voice. It makes him think of the kiss he gave you before he left you. 

“And what would that be, my lady?” he says seriously. “What if you meet me at a Diner not too far from the Dock. They serve breakfast all day. We’ll eat and then I’ll take you out sailing,” you say. You’d love to get him out on the open water where he wouldn’t have to be so shy of his body. If you went out far enough there could even be a romantic dinner in it. And a nice slow fuck under the stars. You hadn’t been romanced in a while and Thor, with his shy smile and soft eyes was the perfect candidate for the job. If last night was any indication, it had been a while for him too. Thor smiles, “Shall I pack an overnight bag?” he asks. You grin, “I would,” you say, “Meet in 30 minutes?” Thor makes a sound of agreement and you hang up, putting your phone in your pocket and starting your bike. 

“Honestly, Warren,” your mother says as you rev the engine and shoot down the street, “What sort of man is very going to want her?”  Warren heaves a sigh, “I’m sure I don’t know,” he says for her benefit. It broke his heart. From across the street, mother could see the dirt under your fingernails but she couldn’t see your smile. That wasn’t the smile you gave a fling. That was the smile you gave a lover you didn’t know you were in love with yet. He’d never seen it on your face before but he hoped this man, whoever he was, took care of your heart as well as he took care of your desires. 

When you arrive back at the dock, you change clothes. A bikini top and a pair of cut offs. Short cutoffs. The kind that were barely decent to go to the bodega for alcohol and fixings for a nice dinner. Over that, you throw a huge t shirt that covers all the skin that needs to be covered and text thor to just dress for the beach. When he arrives as you’re pulling the shirt over your head, he stops and admires the bikini top and shorts. He loves your softness and he loves that you’re comfortable with it. He feels uncomfortable in his clothing and he hates the way his belly pokes out. Until you wrap your arms around him and kiss him. It’s only been a few hours but it feels longer. Thor’s hands find your ass and hips, kneading them softly as he presses into your hungry kiss, “Hello,” he says, a little breathless when you pull away. “Hey,” you say smiling, “hungry?” He nods, “I still haven’t eaten anything.” You frown, “Why?” He blushes, “I was too busy wondering if it was too soon to call you.” You laugh and pat his belly affectionately, “Well, then let's feed you, hm? Sailing is hungry work.”

He nods and follows you down the dock to the diner. It’s open 24 hours a day and serves breakfast all 24 hours. You eat and talk, he tells you about the Avengers. About the Guardians of the Galaxy. You mostly talk about your brother. About your business. Talking about your parents just makes you sad. Thor doesn’t miss that. That you gently deflect questions about your parents but he doesn’t press. He’s too happy to be eating breakfast with you. Holding your hand and being “that couple,” even if it is noon and even if your smiles aren’t sleepy. You pay for the meal over his protests and simply tell him he can make it up to you by not tapping out early this time. You laugh and he chuckles, stopping on the street to pick you up and throw you over his shoulder, carrying you giggling and protesting all the way back to your boat. 

You start the engine and navigate the boat out of the harbor and into deeper water, out towards the open sea.  Once you’re out there, you cut the engine and unfurl the sails. and strip off your t-shirt. There are some people out. Yachts and such but as you go, things thin out.  Thor watches appreciatively. He would happily lay you down on a towel and part your thighs right there. The haze of heat and alcohol. The smell of coconut sun tan oil. Your laugh. The sound of the water. It feels like a dream and he doesn’t want to wake up. You coax him into taking his shirt off mostly by distracting him with kisses and easing his shirt up and off as you lavish attention on his belly and chest. Your ardor makes him forget to be embarrassed. Like the night before, you make him feel attractive. You pet and caress until he’s delirious with want. But you won’t let him touch you, dancing out of his reach. He drinks and watches you dance to the radio. You roll your hips and your breasts jiggle invitingly. He hardly knows what music is playing and he doesn’t care. 

When the sun starts to set and the air gets cool, you disappear below decks for a little while, cooking he guesses by the smells. Nice smells. Meat and maybe pasta. The meat doesn’t surprise him. Werewolves he’d know before had eaten a lot of it. Mostly raw, though he would be surprised if you would eat it that way in front of anyone. It was a different time now and the couple he had met since his return to Midgard had been cautious not to eat raw meat in front of non-wolves. 

You carry plates and two wine glasses up the steps, “Thor can you get the wine open?” you ask, setting the table. Thor nods and opens the bottle, bringing it to you and pouring glasses. “It looks lovely,” he says, kissing you. He pulls out your chair and helps you get settled at the table before taking his own seat. Dinner is quiet. Your skin is warm from the sun and in the evening light, you look content. Tipsy and flushed. Like you’ve had a nice day. Thor watches you as he eats, enjoying the meal after a day in the sun and salt air. His loins ache and he wants to take you below decks, back to your narrow but serviceable bed. 

But when he realizes you have other plans, as you pull him to a pallet on the deck, he doesn’t mind. Hands roam and sighs quickly turn to moans and growls as he touches you all the ways he craved touching you. It’s mindless animal fucking. Sweat and salt air coat your skin as he drives you to bliss again and again. The stars are the only witness to the passion on the deck. Your growls and cries lost to the sound of the sea. The only break in the tranquility. At one point you go below decks but that doesn’t cool the fire. Thor fucks like a man possessed, determined for his stamina to outlast you this time. He needs to be inside you. He needs to feel what he feels when he’s in the dark with you. 

Alive. Exhilarated. Sexy. You feed each other chocolate covered strawberries as you straddle his lap below decks. You’re both hungry but neither one of you is ready to stop. So he’s hard inside you as you feed him and he feeds you, both of you wine drunk and giggling. Neither of you has a care in the world. All there is is this. And the need to go “just once more, please?” When neither of you can be distracted by treats anymore, you do go again. You ride him and he bites your neck leaving you streaming his name. And when he brings you down gently, he tastes of chocolate and strawberries when he kisses you. Things gentle after that. He slows down, more intent on appreciating your body the way you had done his. He loves curves. He’s always adored curves on a woman. Softness he could lose himself in for hours as he admired the way the flesh felt under his hands and the way passion made your skin heat under his touch. You were perfection. All the things he adored. Humor and warmth. Beauty. Grace. A healthy appetite for pleasures that matched his own. 

Shy women were fine. Thin women were fine. All women really were beautiful and wonderful in their own way. But you? You were what he loved best. In the dark when he could finally feel that you were boneless with exhaustion and truly could not go again, he pulled you close, cuddling you tenderly. He loved this. He’d missed this. Mindless animal sex was awesome. But this was intimacy. Aching to be with someone when they were right there in your arms asleep. Fighting sleep because you just need to be looking at them. He knows his brain is flooded with bonding chemicals but gods, he thinks. He really doesn’t want the night to end. 

After you rest for an hour or so, you pull on some clothes and navigate them back to the dock. You’re covered in bites and so is he. You both ache, but neither one of you wants to be apart, still high on each other, “Breakfast?” you ask. Thor laughs and holds out a hand after he pulls on his shirt, “I’d be delighted.” 

In the diner, holding your hands and playing with your fingers, he gives you a shy smile. He doesn’t want to think about you leaving. “Y/N,” he says blushing a little bit, “I think we need to talk.” You sip your coffee and smile wryly, “Is this where you tell me you have a wife?” Thor choked, “No, god no. I... I just. I think I love you,” he blurts out. 

His face heats and you smile, kissing his hand, “You just now figured that out?” you tease. “It’s been two days Thor. Gosh.” He relaxes and laughs, “I just... I wanted you to know.” You smile, “I love you, too Handsome.”

Tags: @lancsnerd @innerpaperexpertcloud @stevieang

[kariachi]

”So, we’re gonna start today’s Martin Mystery rewatches with The Vampire Returns. Should I have listened to more of the Young Frankenstein soundtrack during lunch in preparation? Probably. But here we are instead.

I love how this show always specifies the exact time shit starts going down. For instance, in this episode, 10:32 pm CEST

~~

Good on Lady Soulsucker’s date for paying enough attention to notice when the girl he’s out with grows fangs and her eyes start glowing. You don’t see that often enough.

Aw and then she takes the daintiest bite of apple with teeth bigger than Date-Dude’s face.

I wonder how they got out without being noticed... can’t remember if the vampires in this episode can do the ‘turn to fog’ thing. Sure I’ll find out later.

~~

Diana sitting there with a book and a crowd of impressed young ladies. What are you showing them, Diana? Did you make this book yourself? Did you mother write it? I can’t think of a reason for the ooo-ing and ahh-ing going on otherwise. Either that or you managed to attract a pack of lesbians and they are trying to get in your pants.

...ya know I’m kinda all for the idea that Diana has unwittingly attracted a chunk of Torrington’s lesbian population and they are all trying to smooze in the awkward way that only a young gay can manage.

Also hello Tonio, it’s nice to see you. I’m going to have to include you in this in some way, I believe, given the location and also that this is a fic for nix.

Martin, Martin, sweetie, no. You are not getting that girl. There were actual sparkles coming off her, you don’t deserve that sort’ve quality. Plus, ya know, she sounds like your brand of nerd isn’t her style. I know the saying is “aim for the moon, if you fail you’ll land among the stars” but let’s be realistic for five seconds

Tonio can see this disaster coming from a mile away.

Amber is not having it, solidly unimpressed. I’m shocked.

You think the girls at this school ever rate the boys and just, give Martin a solid 6/10 for effort and moxie alone? “We wouldn’t date him, but at least he’s entertainingly stupid.”

Amber’s look of shock and concern at the idea of Martin enjoying studying. Like she’s about to call in the Psi Psi Psi girls and Diana, clearly their moron has fallen ill. Diana, meanwhile, is just pissed and I can’t decide whether the idea that this is because Martin is lying to get a date or because ‘has he been lying for the past our entire lives’ is funnier.

Though, given we’ll be working with witch!Martin for this it’s not like he’s lying. He just doesn’t like studying, well, anything they teach at Torrington. (Although I am still a big fan of the idea that he’s perfectly bright and just doesn’t apply himself like, at all.)

Martin don’t growl at your sister, you’ll get enough chances to in season 3.

And Amber trying to let him down easy.

~~

“Very rare, and totally irreplaceable” and you, all the way into season 2, are going to work with them, in your office, immediately after calling in Martin- known disaster and Destroyer of Projects? I swear you’d think MOM wanted her crap ruined. After a point you have no one to blame but yourself.

Martin no.

I repeat, MOM, no one to blame but yourself. Most people with an ounce of sense would stow away the shit they didn’t want destroyed when the guy who keeps destroying shit was called in.

Diana no. You’re being sent on a mission not a fucking river cruise.

~~

Introducing, the world’s scariest tunnel of love. First condoms in the water, now people going missing, this dude is just done.

Well Lady Soulsucker just fucking demolished that place didn’t she. Godsdamn, forget shutting it down because people disappeared, shut it down because it’s officially a safety hazard.

Okay, access hatch in the ceiling, that explains that.

...Okay but Martin isn’t entirely wrong with his assessment here? Something strong and nocturnal is right on the nose, and while the werewolf and half-beast-half-humanoid (and I love he uses that word specifically) hybrid guesses aren’t quite right, they aren’t far off the mark. He brought his A game today.

Diana, darling, kids playing practical jokes generally don’t leave fair rides completely demolished in their wake. That is not a normal occurrence.

Java about to eat half-consumed food off the floor like child did Diana not teach you better than that? I wouldn’t be surprised Martin didn’t but Diana?

500 year old saliva. This is the sort’ve ridiculousness I expect from this show. What, did Lady Soulsucker not swallow, spit, or brush her teeth since she escaped her coffin? Was she going around with 500 years of no brushing on her breath? Of course she’s got vampire hypnosis it’s the only way she could get a date.

Vampire goes rwar at children, flees into the sun to escape capture. Also he may need some heavier clothes, those don’t seem to be keeping the sunlight out.

~~

Martin no.

Billy making himself useful. Helping them follow the massive flashing clue that is the vampire’s clothing.

Martin slow your jock-ass down

Martin no, purple isn’t your color.

Okay, can I just say here that Lady Soulsucker looks fucking weird? She looks like a haunted porcelain doll. Or a shitty oc. Here, a theme song to go with her.

Question, why is there a surf shop in the middle of Paris? Is Paris big for surfing? A true French sport?

Oh, yeah, Simone, I forgot her name. It’s very French. Also dude chill.

Diana will not be stopped by some weird hyper-jealous dude.

She also, ya know, looks like a fucking corpse. But yeah, the reflection thing is your first clue something’s up.

He doesn’t see her, he doesn’t hear her, he doesn’t smell the 500-yo morning breath. I claiming him as an anosmiac by the way, the flag is in.

Welp. I can’t decide whether this feeding was more or less extreme than the last one. I mean, this time was pretty fucking hardcore, but last time she demolished an entire fair ride.

Simone, sweetie, have you considered that if you are looking for a specific guy maybe, just maybe, the way to go about it isn’t to just eat whatever random dude happens to be within hypnotizing range? Just a thought?

“He needs help, I’m going in” Martin says right after watching a guy get eaten by a vampire, proving that while he may not be the moron we deserve, he’s the moron we need. Diana, on the other hand, is a voice of reason and doesn’t deserve this shit.

Lucky those clothes were there to break your fall, Martin.

Martin, after dropping from the ceiling into a vampire’s feeding ground, alone: Don’t make me fuck your shit up! Simone, seeing this: Oh yay it’s my moron! Speak of the devil!

Am I saying Gerard was probably just as much an impulsive dumbshit as his great-x-grandson? Yes. Yes I am.

“Clever, and brave.” And a complete moron of a dork. “Just like my Gerard.”

“And just as handsome” it’s nice to see the looks keep in that family? I don’t believe Gerard got the floaty hair though, but his hair looked stupid so really Martin has the advantage there.

Vampire minions are strong, holding back Java with one hand.

Vampire true love is apparently very sparky.

Well Diana, at least you saved the watch.

~~

Martin gets abducted by vampires, Billy immediately must run to the scene.

I’d be impressed with your strength, Java, if those doors hadn’t looked 70% fallen in before you got to them. You could’ve probably gotten the same result from a hearty cough on them.

Gerard=Martin w/o floaty hair or modern fashion. Don’t know why the portrait is in black in white.

You’d think Billy could’ve taken the thirty seconds to read a brief overview about the woman while he waited for Diana and Java, but no.

No wonder Gerard looks weird, there’s not even a splash of warm color in that outfit. And warm tones don’t do Simone any favors. Coordinate your fashion better, people, you’re vampires for fuck’s sake! What would Mike say!

How do we know about genes from a 15th century vampire? Also I note she says ‘relative’ and not ‘descendant’, but I’m not in the mood to dig into that.

Billy you are literally a galactic conqueror, but your big boy underwear on and get in the basement.

Let’s be real, Diana, that’s just a sibling thing. You go into horrible places to save them so you can give them hell about making you go to a horrible place to save them.

How many minions has Simone gotten together? Like, the clan hasn’t been renewed yet, so... When did she get the time? It’s been like 24 hours

Okay, that explains new guy A, what about B and C over there, who look like they stepped out of Robin Hood? where they sealed in with you? Is this the old crew?

Simone, queen of the night and motivational speeches.

Martin you can’t just call on a specific guy, poor thing probably had a heart attack. “Fuck, my Lady’s new consort has beef, fuckfuckfuck” but no, you just want some fucking fries. And Simone is fucking loving it.

~~

Okay, so we know some of them sleep upside down.

It’s nice to see vampires can still be active sleepers.

Hissy vampires on all fours

Vampire!Martin is perfectly fine with being an evil trophy husband

Vampire!Martin standing there like “yeah, you rule the underworld, babe, rocking it!”

~~

“Do you know how much grief I’ll get at Torrington if my stepbrother comes back a vampire?” Would it really be that much more than you get just for having him as a stepbrother in the first place?

A vampire lord consort and yet still, at heart, an annoying brother

Simone: Get me back my fucking moron and we’re all screwed!

Tell me that’s like, Diana or Java’s dirty sock because I’m fairly certain even Martin doesn’t deserve to have his own stuffed in his mouth

And Simone becomes a massive fucking bat beast. Fur, muzzle, little winglet-dealies, big ears, big teeth, no tail...

Okay, yeah, Java’s sock, cool

Those are some seriously dirty windows. Or, well, were.

Sunlight burns everybody but also burns Simone to fucking ash right quick. Which then removes the curse on her victims.

Also I wanna know more about this apparent vampire gene. It is of much interest, especially given next episode will be dealing with werewolves and in some folklore werewolves when killed become vampires, so...

~~

Martin. No.

Amber really. Either you were setting him up or you yourself are dense as teak.

Oh Martin... stick with spies and monsters, honey

[milominderbindered]

thirty days of skam fic: day eight

beginning. accusation. restless. leaves. rainbow. flame. formal. under. move. silver. prepared. knowledge. denial. cans. order. thanks. look. summer. transformation. tremble. tent. mad. thousand. paper. winter. luxury. letters. promise. simple. future.

[ READ ON AO3 ]

Isak Valtersen has a nemesis.

He didn't ever think he'd be the sort of person to have a nemesis.  For the most part, Isak considers himself very chill. He doesn't really like confrontation and drama bores him; he'd gone through plenty of it in high school, and now that he's twenty, he just wants to keep his head down and have a nice college experience without getting wrapped up in a single bit of nonsense.

Which sounds great in theory.  It would just be nice if his upstairs neighbour had got the memo.

“It's every night now,” he complains, flopping down to lay his head on the kollektiv’s kitchen table and groaning.  Eskild slides a cup of tea towards him with a tut.

“Are you sure it's all that bad? I'm only two doors down, and I didn't hear anything.”

“Well, you wouldn't,” Isak grumbles, taking a sip of his tea. “Over the sound of what’s-his-name that you brought home last night.”

“Hey!” Eskild reaches across the table and slaps Isak’s arm lightly. “What's-his-name happens to be very important to me.”

Isak snorts. Yeah, it had sure sounded that way when Eskild kicked the guy out at four AM that morning.

“But it is so loud,” he carries on, as Eskild crinkles around opening a pack of biscuits. “And I don't even know what they're doing. I mean, sometimes it's just loud music, but it must literally be the room right above mine, cus I hear it all. And sometimes there's these noises like -- like they're fucking trampolining or putting up a set of shelves or something. At three in the morning!”

Eskild tuts again, but this time it sounds more sympathetic.  He offers Isak a biscuit.  

“But it's only started in the last month?” Isak nods, although with his sleep schedule, it feels like centuries.  “Well, nobody new has moved in up there since then. Maybe they just have a noisy guest staying. I'm sure it'll blow over.”

Isak just sighs, and takes some more of Eskild’s biscuits.

-----

He goes to Linn next.

“Have you been hearing any loud noise at night?”

“I wear earplugs,” she says, and goes back to sleep.

-----

In high school, Isak had awful insomnia.  It stemmed from a mixture of things; a natural predisposition to anxiety battling against his dad abandoning them, his mum not being safe to live with, and his repressed sexuality all at once.  He'd moved into the kollektiv when he was seventeen, but even without his mother ranting and breaking things in the next room, sleep had evaded him most nights.

It's better now, though. Not perfect, but a lot better. He speaks to his dad once a month, and his mum’s in a care facility, so even though she still has a lot of bad days, at least he doesn't have to worry about her hurting herself. And he's out of the closet. Well, mostly out. He's at least eighty percent out, and all the important people are fine with it, so that's a weight off his mind too. All in all, Isak’s been sleeping better for the past year than he ever did for most of his teenage years.

Until this asshole upstairs decided to do whatever they're doing and ruin it all again.

-----

By the next week, Isak’s exhausted.   The noise hasn’t let up for a single night, and while he sometimes manages to get to sleep in a reprieve from the weird activities, he’s woken up constantly throughout the night.  He’s considering going and putting a note through the upstairs door, but they’ve never actually met their upstairs neighbours, and he doesn’t know which one has the room above him anyway.  So he’s just remaining silently pissed off, and complaining to Eskild about it every chance he gets.

That Thursday night is particularly loud, and the next day, Isak is actually yawning as he hauls bags of groceries through the door.  It’s mostly instant noodles and Doritos, but he thinks he deserves some credit for actually doing his shopping for once instead of just stealing everyone else’s food.  He’s barely taken two tired steps in the door when he hears the sound of voices, though -- Eskild, unmistakably, and another man’s voice that he doesn’t recognise.  Probably another twenty four hour boyfriend that Eskild’s brought home, and fuck, they’re definitely in the kitchen, and Isak just wants to go unpack his bags of noodles without having to talk to anyone.

He trudges into the kitchen anyway, sighing through another yawn.  The second he’s in the doorway, Eskild leaps up from the table, making wide eyes at Isak and then at the guy sat across from him. And -- okay.  Wow.  The guy is mid-laugh, and he looks over at Isak with this huge smile, eyes all crinkled, and he’s sat down but Isak can tell he’s tall, and he has this effortlessly swooshed hair, and all of it just sets something tumbling in Isak’s stomach.  He feels breathless for a second.  It’s rare that he sees someone he’s this attracted to, but whenever he does, all he can think is that he must have been such an idiot to ever not realise he was gay.

“Hi,” Isak says, voice coming out a little breathless.  He drops his bags onto the counter, and the guy stands up -- he is tall, even taller than Isak, which does nothing to help the fact that Isak’s brain has shut down -- to shake his hand.

“Isak, this is Even,” Eskild introduces.  Even .  Such a pretty name.  Isak wants to get lost in it, except Eskild is still making wide eyes at him, and Isak doesn’t know why until the next thing Eskild says is, “He’s our upstairs neighbour!  I can’t believe we’ve never bumped into him before.  You know, it’s funny, but we were just talking about how the layout of our flats is exactly the same.  It seems like Even has the room right above yours.”

Oh.

Fuck.

Isak turns his gaze to Even with a sharp snap of his head.  But Even doesn’t look shamed, or contrite, or evil in any way; he’s just smiling obliviously, exactly as he had been a moment before.  Does he not know?  The noise is so ridiculously loud, and it only just started a month ago, surely he must have started doing something different and be aware that it’s absolutely awful.  Right?

“I feel bad, I’ve lived here for a year and never even met any of my neighbours!” is all that Even says, though.  He meets Isak’s eyes, and his smile gets wider, and for a second Isak is hopeless to do anything but smile a tiny little bit back.

So this is the guy keeping him awake.  

In that moment, Isak downgrades the noisy neighbour from nemesis to just a regular enemy.  It's not so bad if he's not doing it on purpose, right? Isak would feel bad having a nemesis who didn’t even know he was doing anything wrong.  (The downgrading absolutely, definitely doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he's six-foot-plenty with blue eyes and a smile like the sun.)

-----

The next Saturday, Eskild bumps into Even once again -- Isak is sure he was lingering in the stairwell for several hours to facilitate that -- and this time, he drags Even into a movie night at the kollektiv.

Even brings popcorn and his smile, so Isak is already two steps closer to liking him.  Or two steps too close to liking him already. Even sits closer to Isak than he probably needs to on the sofa, and he keeps telling them about casting choices and directional decisions as they watch the movie, Moulin Rouge, cus apparently it's one of his favourites and he’s the kind of person who knows that stuff about his favourite film.  

He keeps making eye contact with Isak as they share the popcorn, too. Isak very valiantly pretends not to cry at the end, but he's worried Even notices anyway.  

After he's finally gone home, Eskild shoots Isak meaningful looks for ten full seconds, while Isak glares back. Then he throws his hands up and retreats to his room with a huff.

Later, in his mind, Isak reclassifies Even from enemy to enemy, but without the part where I hate him.  

-----

For a while, Isak thinks maybe he can just keep living like this forever.  It’s not so bad.  There have been a couple of nights where he’s managed to sleep through the noise.  And when Even is doing aerobics or light carpentry or whatever the hell it is that makes so much noise, sometimes Isak can put his earbuds in and drown it out, or go sleep on the living room sofa if Noora isn’t there, or just lie in his bed and think about how pretty Even looks when they see each other in the halls.  It’s an okay life. Then Isak ends up falling asleep in a lecture.  Okay, he thinks, when his deskmate nudges him awake and Isak realises his notes have stuck to his face with drool.  I actually do need to get some sleep sometime soon.  

The next day, when Isak is studying at the kitchen table with an industrial sized mug of coffee, there’s a knock at the front door.  Linn’s in bed, and everyone else is out, so Isak groans and drags himself to the entryway -- only to be met with the sight of Even, looking all artfully ruffled in his denim jacket and beaming.

“Isak,” he says, voice all warm.  “I was hoping you’d answer.”  He says it like a conspiracy, and Isak doesn’t dare hope, but he’s also awfully conflicted because he’s tired and it’s Even’s fault and he kind of wants to hate him.  “I couldn’t borrow some eggs, could I?  I got halfway through making pancakes before realising I’ve run out.”

That’s such a neighbourly request that Isak can hardly turn it down.  “Sure,” he says, and traipses back into the kitchen, Even following behind him.  Isak doesn’t actually have any eggs, but he steals some of Eskild’s and hands them to Even, pretending that it’s totally his own generosity.  He wants to be the one to give Even food, damn it.  If Even ever comes knocking at the door for a cup of pot noodle, at least Isak will be ready then.

He expects Even to leave right after that, considering he literally just said he’s halfway through cooking, but instead Even lingers in the kitchen.  He looks at Isak’s textbooks as if he’s actually interested, and then spots the mega cup of coffee, huffing out a very cute laugh.

“Tired?” he asks, running his finger along the mug and raising an eyebrow in Isak’s direction.

Isak is tired.  Perhaps a little too tired to be making good social decisions, actually because in that moment, he just thinks fuck it.

“Yeah, actually.  I haven’t slept well for about a month.”  He tries to sound as jokey as he can, but it probably still comes out a touch too real when he says, “Some asshole in the room above me makes a ton of noise all night long.”

And all of a sudden, Even’s eyes go wide.

“Oh, shit ! No, you don't hear me, do you?”  Isak nods, sighing as he picks his mug of coffee back up for another long sip.  “I'm so sorry! I -- shit, I pulled the carpet up last month, the noise must be way louder through the floorboards. I didn't even think about that. Sorry.”

In the face of Even’s appalled contriteness, Isak doesn't actually know what to say anymore. His anger wavers, and then disappears altogether, leaving behind nothing but an unidentifiable emotion that is all too close to fond.

“What are you even doing up that late every night anyway?” he splutters out, mind a bit blank. Isak's had plenty of 3am nights, sure, that’s mostly just chilling in bed not doing anything -- not actively making noise that sometimes goes on til five, or even through the whole night. Even grins sheepishly.

“I kind of keep artist’s hours, I’m sorry.”  Of course he's an artist. “As soon as I get home I'll put a rug down or something, I swear.  And I’ll use my headphones at night. I really am sorry.”

“Uh, it's okay,” Isak assures him. He's pretty sure his cheeks have gone pink now, but he doesn't know what else to say.

-----

That night, there isn't any noise at all. Isak drops off to sleep at two -- okay, even with no disruptions to his sleep schedule he's still a college student with a Netflix account -- and doesn't wake up until the next morning. When he rolls over to check the time in his phone, there's a text waiting for him.

[ 08:52 -- From: Unknown Number ]

hi! hope it's okay but i bugged eskild for your number. it’s even by the way

[ 08:52 -- From: Unknown Number ]

just wanted to say i hope you slept alright ;)

----

In his head, Isak re-categorises Even once again. This time, he moves from enemy-without-the-hating-him-part to crush.

[samanthasroberts]

Southern Charm Recap: Flamingo-ing Crazy

Evening, party people. Smiling faces, beautiful places, welcome back to another week of . Lets see what bat shit craziness this week has in store.

Cameran solidifies her role as the unofficial protagonist of the show, narrating the opening sequence (and even saying the word bitch. Well, I do declare!) My familys about to make fun of me for debasing myself by watching this show for yet another week. Suck it, dad, this shits entertaining and makes me feel like a very accomplished adult in comparison to these 35-year-old train wrecks. On a side note, Im kind of getting into this theme song. As an extra side note, my TV is broken and everything is green tinted, which is fitting, I feel.

We open with Thomas on the phone with JD, the former bitching about Kathryn (what else is new?). He rolls up to JDs house and cant even say yes to a cup of coffee without breaking out the French. Ugh, I thought that was a one-episode thing. Thomas apparently told Kathryn he wasnt cosigning her lease (after the whole polo fiasco, if you’ll recall) and she went so nuts that she ended up IN THE HOSPITAL AND MAY HAVE GONE INTO LABOR PREMATURELY. Jesus fucking Christ. So now, what does Thomas do? He agrees to cosign.

JD is like, wait, so you call Kathryn and tell her youre not cosigning, she gets upset, and now youre cosigning anyway because you feel bad for her

JD: I upset my wife plenty of times when she was pregnant but she didnt end up in the hospital over it.

Thomas is like, Wow, everybody was righthomegirl really does know how to manipulate.

Apparently Jennifer is the ultimate shadester, she used to date Thomas and screenshotted everything and sent it to Kathryn just to stir shit up. Taking it a bit far, don’t you think?

Thomas: If I can handle prison for six months, I can handle this bullshit for two more months.

Hold up, like actual prison or just being with Kathryn? Maybe that random Facebook commenter was right and I do need to go back and watch the show from season 1.

Cameran is one of those white people who answers the phone with, Yello! and we promptly learn she was up all night with diarrhea. Gross. Shep goes to watch Craig turn in his application for the bar exam because hes so full of shit that nobody believes him unless they see it with their own eyes. Thats gotta hurt, Craig.

Shep rolls up to good ol Gentry HQ and asks Craig how business is doing. Craig starts talking about some BS I zoned out pretty quick listening to, something about a bourbon side and a hotel side of something.Damn, and youre not gonna let Landon get in on this bourbon business? Thats cold, Craig.

Craig has one more step to nail before he can take the bar, and if he doesnt complete it in time he wont be able to take the test. I feel a setup coming on

These guys are literally arguing over which type of adhesive Craig should use to affix his passport photos to his application.

Cameran meets up with Danni, the roast thief from the earlier episode, and another friend for lunch. One of their friends orders a sweet tea instead of wine and they all jump on her immediately to ask if shes pregnant. Like…a girl can’t order a damn sweet tea in the middle of the day without everyone assuming she’s got a bun in the oven? Cameron is SO OBVIOUSLY not ready to be a mother and these bitches wont leave her the fuck alone about it. Newsflash: This is 2016! Women can aspire to more nowadays than just being a mother. Leave Cameran alone!

Cameran has anxiety too, she reveals, and this show is becoming one giant therapy advertisement. Just goes to show you, money cant solve all your problems. Spinoff idea: What if they all go to the same therapist? Also, Cam’s friend is like, because thats totally a cure for a legitimate mental illness. WTF is wrong with you. What decade do these people live in.

Only 15 minutes in and my fingers are already tired from all this ranting. Gonna be a long episode. Also, wtf happened to Whitney? Is he still alive?

Its finally (almost) time for the flamingo party. Yay! Patricia will be photographing this party for her entertainment book whcih, Im sorry, Im definitely buying. They’re going to have a ros tower and idk what that is, but I know I want one. Patricia is explaining those champagne tower things where you pour the champagne in the top of the pyramid and it spills into all the ones at the bottom and is like, No its not. Its basically 3D beer pong without the balls. Just chill.

Wait ok the Gentry is a hotel?? I feel like an idiot but if they wouldve just explained this shit at the beginning we wouldnt be here. Anyway, Landon and Craig are prepping for the party and going to a spa.

Landon: Part of being a Southern belle is being well-kept, which makes you a good person.

Yeah, maybe on the outside. Im not convinced any of you except Cameran are good people on the inside. And maybeee Craig. He seems pretty earnest.

Craig is aiming for Gatsby-ish pink in terms of outfit color and Landon is like, Im sorry, bitch what? Don’t be over there acting like your Southern asses did not fucking invent salmon pink shorts as a menswear item. Yeah, you THOUGHT you could insult us Yankees.

Jennifer called Craig to let him know Kathryn literally made herself sick and is in the hospital, and he of course feels super bad for her. Meanwhile, Landon does not give one shit!

Landon: Ugh here we go with the drama. People go to the hospital every day. Calm the fuck down.

Okay, people also die everyday, does that make dying any less shitty?

Landon: Did she really almost die? Doubt it. TTYL, DGAF, going to the spa.

Jennifer tells Craig that Thomas didn’t visit Kathryn in the hospital. This detail is important later, so keep it in mind.

Landon: Im tired of Kathryn controlling and manipulating everyone with this child, Im not gonna be manipulated by this psychopath.

Landon literally thinks Kathryn got a slight headache and rushed to the ER. Not sure if this is warranted or not but I’m semi impressed by the fact that she can’t even pretend to be mildly concerned.

We see Kathryn and she explains she basically gave herself such high blood pressure that it affected the baby. IDK how you can personally know what your own blood pressure feels like unless youre constantly taking it, but ok.

Kathryn: All this baby and I need is a stable place to live in a not-stressful environment and if Thomas wont help me get a huge-ass house he doesnt deserve to be in my babys life as far as Im concerned.

Bonus round: Kathryn manipulates Thomas into helping her move, too.

Kathryn: Cosigning on this house is the least he could do for me at this point. YOU MEAN ASIDE FROM THE LIKE $2500 YOU GET A MONTH? YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT FROM LAST EPISODE, IM NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.

Back at Patricias house where shes still setting up for the flamingo party. God damn, they are milking it.

Patricia: I grew up in the 50s. Mothers wore dresses and high heels and had their hair and makeup done. Ive always maintained you have to put on the dog and try to ge as glamorous as you can.

IDK what putting on the dog means but thats gonna be my next getting ready Instagram caption.

Sligthly disappointed there are no real flamingos at this flamingo party. I was definitely holding out for some exotic birds to be present.

Thomas saying yeah, pop that is the most uncomfortable Ive been all evening, even if they are referring to a bottle of wine.

Thomas is setting Landon up with some dude with a ponytail who I feel like is probably her kryptonite since he seem like the type of dude whod call himself an artist, too. Landon also greets everyone with bonsoir. Can we fucking stop pretending we’re European?

Patricia has a fortune teller at her party. What a rager. I am very sad I did not get an invite. Patricia, if youre reading this, I can clean up really well and I wont get belligerent drunk, which is more than I can say of at least half your guests. Hook a girl up.

This is the first/most weve seen of Whitney in like, two weeks. Some girl said hi to Shep and called him babe and I can see the smoke coming out of Landons ears. OMG JUST HIT ON HIM ALREADY, THIS IS SO PATHETIC TO WATCH.

Craig got Patricia this gaudy flamingo-decorated martini glass and Patricia just HAS to drop that she has 18th-century porcelain. Calm down, Patricia, nobody doubts that you have class. You don’t need to be so ostentatious.

Whitney: Trying to watch Thomas flirt with girls is like trying to watch your horny drunk uncle.

YES. SPOT ON. Somebody give Whitney more screen time!

Cameran shows up poss wasted and with a huge flamingo hat. Cameran is me in college, committing to the theme so hard she doesn’t care if she looks ridiculous.

Five seconds into the party, and Shep is already naked and in the pool. Don’t you know this is a classy affair??

Craig confronts Thomas about Kathryns hospital visit and asks if he saw her. Thomas is likeand Craig is like *sips wine*

Shit-starting Jen may or may not be lying about Thomas not going to visit Kathryn. It’s about to get real.

Craig: One of the reasons Thomas hates Jen so much is because she was supposed to be the fun mistress and wasnt supposed to stick around and meddle in his affairs.

THE PLOT THICKENS. Who can we trust? Nobody, really. Everybodys conniving af. Except Cameran. Im really liking her. Can you tell?

Some girl Bailey asked Landon if she and Shep have ever fucked, or even kissed.

Landon: I’m not gonna lie, theres sometimes I wonder if Shep and I could be in a relationship but I dont wanna risk getting hurt.

Landon. OMG. You are more transparent than every Kardashian PR stunt ever. You clearly wonder ALL THE TIME if you and Shep could be in a relationship, why youre not, when hes going to wake up and realize youre the one for him

Shep gets his fortune told and the fortune teller is like and Sheps like and everyones like Shep is just making a bunch of thats what she said jokes like the mature gentleman he is. Landon, you picked a real winner.

The gay dude who visited Kathryn earlier in the first episode (idk his name, go cross-reference my other recap if you really care that much) pulls Patricia aside to be like

Patricia: I think its very unattractive that hes friends with Kathryn Dennis. Its very low-rent to me. (Yes, she actually used the words “low-rent.”)

Dude whose name I 100% forgot: Its very clear what Patricia sees in Kathryn that she doesnt like: she sees herself.

Patricia calls this dude a knockoff Truman Capote. I gotta say, the South has got their shit-talking on point.

Jen shows up and we already know its going to be good. Thomas is not pleased and calls her a piece of trash. HERE WE GO.

Thomas: Tell this chick Im going to throw her in the pool. JD: You dont need another assault charge, homie.

One things for sure: some type of confrontation is about to go down.

JD is talking about doing another polo match. Jen is likeaka,

Thomas is watching Jen talk to Elizabeth and JD and hes just seething over there. FWIW, Elizabeth seems like a very nice woman. Jen does not, really. Thomas pulls Jen aside.

Thomas: Craig told me you told him I didn’t see Kathryn in the hospital Jen: I meant you didnt stay overnight

Cut to: Jen definitely in plain English saying that Thomas wasnt there at all.

Then Jen criticizes Thomas for only being there for two hours. Like, splitting hairs much? Youre just looking for a reason to shit on him.

Jen: If Thomas is criticizing me for putting Kathryns health at risk, he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and then go play in traffic.

Thomas: A blind person could see through these lies.

They have a lie vs. misunderstanding argument for like 30 seconds before Thomas tells Jennifer to fuck off.

Jennifer: Im the only friend Kathryn trusts. It would be nice if the father of her kids was the other one.

Thomas thinks its Jens mission in life to wreck his life and make him out to be the enemy.

Jen: Im torn between completely cussing him out and telling him how I really feel, or just feeling sorry for him because hes truly delusional.

AKA how I feel watching this show.

Jens like, and Thomas is like And I’m like:

Patricia is not going to like this argument. Very not luxe.

Just when you think punches are about to fly, they both walk away from the argument. Phew, dodged a bullet. Or like, an assault charge.

JD: Thomas and Kathryn have enough problems, Jennifer doesnt need to add to them. This dams gonna break.

Exciting news tidbit: Thomas pronounces water like wooder.

Whats the first thing Jennifer does after being accused of starting drama? She fucking calls Kathryn from the porch of Patricias house! Whitney is like because his mom has to fight his battles. Everybodys gathered to watch while acting like theyre too classy to watch. Jennifer leaves on her own accord, fuck this show for being anticlimactic AF. I wanted an eviction!

Jennifer: I know what Kathryns going through because now I’m the one nobody likes.

Thomas: I can take a lot. Imprisonment, false political allegations, but do not mess with my family. It’s only okay when I treat Kathryn like shit.

Jennifer leaves yelling and once again this show is so fucking anticlimactic! You built up this party for three fucking episodes and what did we get? A heated argument from which both adults walk away on their own accord, and not even one person gets thrown out? Give me some damn drama, give me a fucking cliffhanger! Come on, Bravo! Do better.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2), a.prevBody{display: none;}

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/

[adambstingus]

Southern Charm Recap: Flamingo-ing Crazy

Evening, party people. Smiling faces, beautiful places, welcome back to another week of . Lets see what bat shit craziness this week has in store.

Cameran solidifies her role as the unofficial protagonist of the show, narrating the opening sequence (and even saying the word bitch. Well, I do declare!) My familys about to make fun of me for debasing myself by watching this show for yet another week. Suck it, dad, this shits entertaining and makes me feel like a very accomplished adult in comparison to these 35-year-old train wrecks. On a side note, Im kind of getting into this theme song. As an extra side note, my TV is broken and everything is green tinted, which is fitting, I feel.

We open with Thomas on the phone with JD, the former bitching about Kathryn (what else is new?). He rolls up to JDs house and cant even say yes to a cup of coffee without breaking out the French. Ugh, I thought that was a one-episode thing. Thomas apparently told Kathryn he wasnt cosigning her lease (after the whole polo fiasco, if you’ll recall) and she went so nuts that she ended up IN THE HOSPITAL AND MAY HAVE GONE INTO LABOR PREMATURELY. Jesus fucking Christ. So now, what does Thomas do? He agrees to cosign.

JD is like, wait, so you call Kathryn and tell her youre not cosigning, she gets upset, and now youre cosigning anyway because you feel bad for her

JD: I upset my wife plenty of times when she was pregnant but she didnt end up in the hospital over it.

Thomas is like, Wow, everybody was righthomegirl really does know how to manipulate.

Apparently Jennifer is the ultimate shadester, she used to date Thomas and screenshotted everything and sent it to Kathryn just to stir shit up. Taking it a bit far, don’t you think?

Thomas: If I can handle prison for six months, I can handle this bullshit for two more months.

Hold up, like actual prison or just being with Kathryn? Maybe that random Facebook commenter was right and I do need to go back and watch the show from season 1.

Cameran is one of those white people who answers the phone with, Yello! and we promptly learn she was up all night with diarrhea. Gross. Shep goes to watch Craig turn in his application for the bar exam because hes so full of shit that nobody believes him unless they see it with their own eyes. Thats gotta hurt, Craig.

Shep rolls up to good ol Gentry HQ and asks Craig how business is doing. Craig starts talking about some BS I zoned out pretty quick listening to, something about a bourbon side and a hotel side of something.Damn, and youre not gonna let Landon get in on this bourbon business? Thats cold, Craig.

Craig has one more step to nail before he can take the bar, and if he doesnt complete it in time he wont be able to take the test. I feel a setup coming on

These guys are literally arguing over which type of adhesive Craig should use to affix his passport photos to his application.

Cameran meets up with Danni, the roast thief from the earlier episode, and another friend for lunch. One of their friends orders a sweet tea instead of wine and they all jump on her immediately to ask if shes pregnant. Like…a girl can’t order a damn sweet tea in the middle of the day without everyone assuming she’s got a bun in the oven? Cameron is SO OBVIOUSLY not ready to be a mother and these bitches wont leave her the fuck alone about it. Newsflash: This is 2016! Women can aspire to more nowadays than just being a mother. Leave Cameran alone!

Cameran has anxiety too, she reveals, and this show is becoming one giant therapy advertisement. Just goes to show you, money cant solve all your problems. Spinoff idea: What if they all go to the same therapist? Also, Cam’s friend is like, because thats totally a cure for a legitimate mental illness. WTF is wrong with you. What decade do these people live in.

Only 15 minutes in and my fingers are already tired from all this ranting. Gonna be a long episode. Also, wtf happened to Whitney? Is he still alive?

Its finally (almost) time for the flamingo party. Yay! Patricia will be photographing this party for her entertainment book whcih, Im sorry, Im definitely buying. They’re going to have a ros tower and idk what that is, but I know I want one. Patricia is explaining those champagne tower things where you pour the champagne in the top of the pyramid and it spills into all the ones at the bottom and is like, No its not. Its basically 3D beer pong without the balls. Just chill.

Wait ok the Gentry is a hotel?? I feel like an idiot but if they wouldve just explained this shit at the beginning we wouldnt be here. Anyway, Landon and Craig are prepping for the party and going to a spa.

Landon: Part of being a Southern belle is being well-kept, which makes you a good person.

Yeah, maybe on the outside. Im not convinced any of you except Cameran are good people on the inside. And maybeee Craig. He seems pretty earnest.

Craig is aiming for Gatsby-ish pink in terms of outfit color and Landon is like, Im sorry, bitch what? Don’t be over there acting like your Southern asses did not fucking invent salmon pink shorts as a menswear item. Yeah, you THOUGHT you could insult us Yankees.

Jennifer called Craig to let him know Kathryn literally made herself sick and is in the hospital, and he of course feels super bad for her. Meanwhile, Landon does not give one shit!

Landon: Ugh here we go with the drama. People go to the hospital every day. Calm the fuck down.

Okay, people also die everyday, does that make dying any less shitty?

Landon: Did she really almost die? Doubt it. TTYL, DGAF, going to the spa.

Jennifer tells Craig that Thomas didn’t visit Kathryn in the hospital. This detail is important later, so keep it in mind.

Landon: Im tired of Kathryn controlling and manipulating everyone with this child, Im not gonna be manipulated by this psychopath.

Landon literally thinks Kathryn got a slight headache and rushed to the ER. Not sure if this is warranted or not but I’m semi impressed by the fact that she can’t even pretend to be mildly concerned.

We see Kathryn and she explains she basically gave herself such high blood pressure that it affected the baby. IDK how you can personally know what your own blood pressure feels like unless youre constantly taking it, but ok.

Kathryn: All this baby and I need is a stable place to live in a not-stressful environment and if Thomas wont help me get a huge-ass house he doesnt deserve to be in my babys life as far as Im concerned.

Bonus round: Kathryn manipulates Thomas into helping her move, too.

Kathryn: Cosigning on this house is the least he could do for me at this point. YOU MEAN ASIDE FROM THE LIKE $2500 YOU GET A MONTH? YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT FROM LAST EPISODE, IM NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.

Back at Patricias house where shes still setting up for the flamingo party. God damn, they are milking it.

Patricia: I grew up in the 50s. Mothers wore dresses and high heels and had their hair and makeup done. Ive always maintained you have to put on the dog and try to ge as glamorous as you can.

IDK what putting on the dog means but thats gonna be my next getting ready Instagram caption.

Sligthly disappointed there are no real flamingos at this flamingo party. I was definitely holding out for some exotic birds to be present.

Thomas saying yeah, pop that is the most uncomfortable Ive been all evening, even if they are referring to a bottle of wine.

Thomas is setting Landon up with some dude with a ponytail who I feel like is probably her kryptonite since he seem like the type of dude whod call himself an artist, too. Landon also greets everyone with bonsoir. Can we fucking stop pretending we’re European?

Patricia has a fortune teller at her party. What a rager. I am very sad I did not get an invite. Patricia, if youre reading this, I can clean up really well and I wont get belligerent drunk, which is more than I can say of at least half your guests. Hook a girl up.

This is the first/most weve seen of Whitney in like, two weeks. Some girl said hi to Shep and called him babe and I can see the smoke coming out of Landons ears. OMG JUST HIT ON HIM ALREADY, THIS IS SO PATHETIC TO WATCH.

Craig got Patricia this gaudy flamingo-decorated martini glass and Patricia just HAS to drop that she has 18th-century porcelain. Calm down, Patricia, nobody doubts that you have class. You don’t need to be so ostentatious.

Whitney: Trying to watch Thomas flirt with girls is like trying to watch your horny drunk uncle.

YES. SPOT ON. Somebody give Whitney more screen time!

Cameran shows up poss wasted and with a huge flamingo hat. Cameran is me in college, committing to the theme so hard she doesn’t care if she looks ridiculous.

Five seconds into the party, and Shep is already naked and in the pool. Don’t you know this is a classy affair??

Craig confronts Thomas about Kathryns hospital visit and asks if he saw her. Thomas is likeand Craig is like *sips wine*

Shit-starting Jen may or may not be lying about Thomas not going to visit Kathryn. It’s about to get real.

Craig: One of the reasons Thomas hates Jen so much is because she was supposed to be the fun mistress and wasnt supposed to stick around and meddle in his affairs.

THE PLOT THICKENS. Who can we trust? Nobody, really. Everybodys conniving af. Except Cameran. Im really liking her. Can you tell?

Some girl Bailey asked Landon if she and Shep have ever fucked, or even kissed.

Landon: I’m not gonna lie, theres sometimes I wonder if Shep and I could be in a relationship but I dont wanna risk getting hurt.

Landon. OMG. You are more transparent than every Kardashian PR stunt ever. You clearly wonder ALL THE TIME if you and Shep could be in a relationship, why youre not, when hes going to wake up and realize youre the one for him

Shep gets his fortune told and the fortune teller is like and Sheps like and everyones like Shep is just making a bunch of thats what she said jokes like the mature gentleman he is. Landon, you picked a real winner.

The gay dude who visited Kathryn earlier in the first episode (idk his name, go cross-reference my other recap if you really care that much) pulls Patricia aside to be like

Patricia: I think its very unattractive that hes friends with Kathryn Dennis. Its very low-rent to me. (Yes, she actually used the words “low-rent.”)

Dude whose name I 100% forgot: Its very clear what Patricia sees in Kathryn that she doesnt like: she sees herself.

Patricia calls this dude a knockoff Truman Capote. I gotta say, the South has got their shit-talking on point.

Jen shows up and we already know its going to be good. Thomas is not pleased and calls her a piece of trash. HERE WE GO.

Thomas: Tell this chick Im going to throw her in the pool. JD: You dont need another assault charge, homie.

One things for sure: some type of confrontation is about to go down.

JD is talking about doing another polo match. Jen is likeaka,

Thomas is watching Jen talk to Elizabeth and JD and hes just seething over there. FWIW, Elizabeth seems like a very nice woman. Jen does not, really. Thomas pulls Jen aside.

Thomas: Craig told me you told him I didn’t see Kathryn in the hospital Jen: I meant you didnt stay overnight

Cut to: Jen definitely in plain English saying that Thomas wasnt there at all.

Then Jen criticizes Thomas for only being there for two hours. Like, splitting hairs much? Youre just looking for a reason to shit on him.

Jen: If Thomas is criticizing me for putting Kathryns health at risk, he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and then go play in traffic.

Thomas: A blind person could see through these lies.

They have a lie vs. misunderstanding argument for like 30 seconds before Thomas tells Jennifer to fuck off.

Jennifer: Im the only friend Kathryn trusts. It would be nice if the father of her kids was the other one.

Thomas thinks its Jens mission in life to wreck his life and make him out to be the enemy.

Jen: Im torn between completely cussing him out and telling him how I really feel, or just feeling sorry for him because hes truly delusional.

AKA how I feel watching this show.

Jens like, and Thomas is like And I’m like:

Patricia is not going to like this argument. Very not luxe.

Just when you think punches are about to fly, they both walk away from the argument. Phew, dodged a bullet. Or like, an assault charge.

JD: Thomas and Kathryn have enough problems, Jennifer doesnt need to add to them. This dams gonna break.

Exciting news tidbit: Thomas pronounces water like wooder.

Whats the first thing Jennifer does after being accused of starting drama? She fucking calls Kathryn from the porch of Patricias house! Whitney is like because his mom has to fight his battles. Everybodys gathered to watch while acting like theyre too classy to watch. Jennifer leaves on her own accord, fuck this show for being anticlimactic AF. I wanted an eviction!

Jennifer: I know what Kathryns going through because now I’m the one nobody likes.

Thomas: I can take a lot. Imprisonment, false political allegations, but do not mess with my family. It’s only okay when I treat Kathryn like shit.

Jennifer leaves yelling and once again this show is so fucking anticlimactic! You built up this party for three fucking episodes and what did we get? A heated argument from which both adults walk away on their own accord, and not even one person gets thrown out? Give me some damn drama, give me a fucking cliffhanger! Come on, Bravo! Do better.

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/161120493767

[allofbeercom]

Southern Charm Recap: Flamingo-ing Crazy

Evening, party people. Smiling faces, beautiful places, welcome back to another week of . Lets see what bat shit craziness this week has in store.

Cameran solidifies her role as the unofficial protagonist of the show, narrating the opening sequence (and even saying the word bitch. Well, I do declare!) My familys about to make fun of me for debasing myself by watching this show for yet another week. Suck it, dad, this shits entertaining and makes me feel like a very accomplished adult in comparison to these 35-year-old train wrecks. On a side note, Im kind of getting into this theme song. As an extra side note, my TV is broken and everything is green tinted, which is fitting, I feel.

We open with Thomas on the phone with JD, the former bitching about Kathryn (what else is new?). He rolls up to JDs house and cant even say yes to a cup of coffee without breaking out the French. Ugh, I thought that was a one-episode thing. Thomas apparently told Kathryn he wasnt cosigning her lease (after the whole polo fiasco, if you’ll recall) and she went so nuts that she ended up IN THE HOSPITAL AND MAY HAVE GONE INTO LABOR PREMATURELY. Jesus fucking Christ. So now, what does Thomas do? He agrees to cosign.

JD is like, wait, so you call Kathryn and tell her youre not cosigning, she gets upset, and now youre cosigning anyway because you feel bad for her

JD: I upset my wife plenty of times when she was pregnant but she didnt end up in the hospital over it.

Thomas is like, Wow, everybody was righthomegirl really does know how to manipulate.

Apparently Jennifer is the ultimate shadester, she used to date Thomas and screenshotted everything and sent it to Kathryn just to stir shit up. Taking it a bit far, don’t you think?

Thomas: If I can handle prison for six months, I can handle this bullshit for two more months.

Hold up, like actual prison or just being with Kathryn? Maybe that random Facebook commenter was right and I do need to go back and watch the show from season 1.

Cameran is one of those white people who answers the phone with, Yello! and we promptly learn she was up all night with diarrhea. Gross. Shep goes to watch Craig turn in his application for the bar exam because hes so full of shit that nobody believes him unless they see it with their own eyes. Thats gotta hurt, Craig.

Shep rolls up to good ol Gentry HQ and asks Craig how business is doing. Craig starts talking about some BS I zoned out pretty quick listening to, something about a bourbon side and a hotel side of something.Damn, and youre not gonna let Landon get in on this bourbon business? Thats cold, Craig.

Craig has one more step to nail before he can take the bar, and if he doesnt complete it in time he wont be able to take the test. I feel a setup coming on

These guys are literally arguing over which type of adhesive Craig should use to affix his passport photos to his application.

Cameran meets up with Danni, the roast thief from the earlier episode, and another friend for lunch. One of their friends orders a sweet tea instead of wine and they all jump on her immediately to ask if shes pregnant. Like…a girl can’t order a damn sweet tea in the middle of the day without everyone assuming she’s got a bun in the oven? Cameron is SO OBVIOUSLY not ready to be a mother and these bitches wont leave her the fuck alone about it. Newsflash: This is 2016! Women can aspire to more nowadays than just being a mother. Leave Cameran alone!

Cameran has anxiety too, she reveals, and this show is becoming one giant therapy advertisement. Just goes to show you, money cant solve all your problems. Spinoff idea: What if they all go to the same therapist? Also, Cam’s friend is like, because thats totally a cure for a legitimate mental illness. WTF is wrong with you. What decade do these people live in.

Only 15 minutes in and my fingers are already tired from all this ranting. Gonna be a long episode. Also, wtf happened to Whitney? Is he still alive?

Its finally (almost) time for the flamingo party. Yay! Patricia will be photographing this party for her entertainment book whcih, Im sorry, Im definitely buying. They’re going to have a ros tower and idk what that is, but I know I want one. Patricia is explaining those champagne tower things where you pour the champagne in the top of the pyramid and it spills into all the ones at the bottom and is like, No its not. Its basically 3D beer pong without the balls. Just chill.

Wait ok the Gentry is a hotel?? I feel like an idiot but if they wouldve just explained this shit at the beginning we wouldnt be here. Anyway, Landon and Craig are prepping for the party and going to a spa.

Landon: Part of being a Southern belle is being well-kept, which makes you a good person.

Yeah, maybe on the outside. Im not convinced any of you except Cameran are good people on the inside. And maybeee Craig. He seems pretty earnest.

Craig is aiming for Gatsby-ish pink in terms of outfit color and Landon is like, Im sorry, bitch what? Don’t be over there acting like your Southern asses did not fucking invent salmon pink shorts as a menswear item. Yeah, you THOUGHT you could insult us Yankees.

Jennifer called Craig to let him know Kathryn literally made herself sick and is in the hospital, and he of course feels super bad for her. Meanwhile, Landon does not give one shit!

Landon: Ugh here we go with the drama. People go to the hospital every day. Calm the fuck down.

Okay, people also die everyday, does that make dying any less shitty?

Landon: Did she really almost die? Doubt it. TTYL, DGAF, going to the spa.

Jennifer tells Craig that Thomas didn’t visit Kathryn in the hospital. This detail is important later, so keep it in mind.

Landon: Im tired of Kathryn controlling and manipulating everyone with this child, Im not gonna be manipulated by this psychopath.

Landon literally thinks Kathryn got a slight headache and rushed to the ER. Not sure if this is warranted or not but I’m semi impressed by the fact that she can’t even pretend to be mildly concerned.

We see Kathryn and she explains she basically gave herself such high blood pressure that it affected the baby. IDK how you can personally know what your own blood pressure feels like unless youre constantly taking it, but ok.

Kathryn: All this baby and I need is a stable place to live in a not-stressful environment and if Thomas wont help me get a huge-ass house he doesnt deserve to be in my babys life as far as Im concerned.

Bonus round: Kathryn manipulates Thomas into helping her move, too.

Kathryn: Cosigning on this house is the least he could do for me at this point. YOU MEAN ASIDE FROM THE LIKE $2500 YOU GET A MONTH? YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT FROM LAST EPISODE, IM NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.

Back at Patricias house where shes still setting up for the flamingo party. God damn, they are milking it.

Patricia: I grew up in the 50s. Mothers wore dresses and high heels and had their hair and makeup done. Ive always maintained you have to put on the dog and try to ge as glamorous as you can.

IDK what putting on the dog means but thats gonna be my next getting ready Instagram caption.

Sligthly disappointed there are no real flamingos at this flamingo party. I was definitely holding out for some exotic birds to be present.

Thomas saying yeah, pop that is the most uncomfortable Ive been all evening, even if they are referring to a bottle of wine.

Thomas is setting Landon up with some dude with a ponytail who I feel like is probably her kryptonite since he seem like the type of dude whod call himself an artist, too. Landon also greets everyone with bonsoir. Can we fucking stop pretending we’re European?

Patricia has a fortune teller at her party. What a rager. I am very sad I did not get an invite. Patricia, if youre reading this, I can clean up really well and I wont get belligerent drunk, which is more than I can say of at least half your guests. Hook a girl up.

This is the first/most weve seen of Whitney in like, two weeks. Some girl said hi to Shep and called him babe and I can see the smoke coming out of Landons ears. OMG JUST HIT ON HIM ALREADY, THIS IS SO PATHETIC TO WATCH.

Craig got Patricia this gaudy flamingo-decorated martini glass and Patricia just HAS to drop that she has 18th-century porcelain. Calm down, Patricia, nobody doubts that you have class. You don’t need to be so ostentatious.

Whitney: Trying to watch Thomas flirt with girls is like trying to watch your horny drunk uncle.

YES. SPOT ON. Somebody give Whitney more screen time!

Cameran shows up poss wasted and with a huge flamingo hat. Cameran is me in college, committing to the theme so hard she doesn’t care if she looks ridiculous.

Five seconds into the party, and Shep is already naked and in the pool. Don’t you know this is a classy affair??

Craig confronts Thomas about Kathryns hospital visit and asks if he saw her. Thomas is likeand Craig is like *sips wine*

Shit-starting Jen may or may not be lying about Thomas not going to visit Kathryn. It’s about to get real.

Craig: One of the reasons Thomas hates Jen so much is because she was supposed to be the fun mistress and wasnt supposed to stick around and meddle in his affairs.

THE PLOT THICKENS. Who can we trust? Nobody, really. Everybodys conniving af. Except Cameran. Im really liking her. Can you tell?

Some girl Bailey asked Landon if she and Shep have ever fucked, or even kissed.

Landon: I’m not gonna lie, theres sometimes I wonder if Shep and I could be in a relationship but I dont wanna risk getting hurt.

Landon. OMG. You are more transparent than every Kardashian PR stunt ever. You clearly wonder ALL THE TIME if you and Shep could be in a relationship, why youre not, when hes going to wake up and realize youre the one for him

Shep gets his fortune told and the fortune teller is like and Sheps like and everyones like Shep is just making a bunch of thats what she said jokes like the mature gentleman he is. Landon, you picked a real winner.

The gay dude who visited Kathryn earlier in the first episode (idk his name, go cross-reference my other recap if you really care that much) pulls Patricia aside to be like

Patricia: I think its very unattractive that hes friends with Kathryn Dennis. Its very low-rent to me. (Yes, she actually used the words “low-rent.”)

Dude whose name I 100% forgot: Its very clear what Patricia sees in Kathryn that she doesnt like: she sees herself.

Patricia calls this dude a knockoff Truman Capote. I gotta say, the South has got their shit-talking on point.

Jen shows up and we already know its going to be good. Thomas is not pleased and calls her a piece of trash. HERE WE GO.

Thomas: Tell this chick Im going to throw her in the pool. JD: You dont need another assault charge, homie.

One things for sure: some type of confrontation is about to go down.

JD is talking about doing another polo match. Jen is likeaka,

Thomas is watching Jen talk to Elizabeth and JD and hes just seething over there. FWIW, Elizabeth seems like a very nice woman. Jen does not, really. Thomas pulls Jen aside.

Thomas: Craig told me you told him I didn’t see Kathryn in the hospital Jen: I meant you didnt stay overnight

Cut to: Jen definitely in plain English saying that Thomas wasnt there at all.

Then Jen criticizes Thomas for only being there for two hours. Like, splitting hairs much? Youre just looking for a reason to shit on him.

Jen: If Thomas is criticizing me for putting Kathryns health at risk, he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and then go play in traffic.

Thomas: A blind person could see through these lies.

They have a lie vs. misunderstanding argument for like 30 seconds before Thomas tells Jennifer to fuck off.

Jennifer: Im the only friend Kathryn trusts. It would be nice if the father of her kids was the other one.

Thomas thinks its Jens mission in life to wreck his life and make him out to be the enemy.

Jen: Im torn between completely cussing him out and telling him how I really feel, or just feeling sorry for him because hes truly delusional.

AKA how I feel watching this show.

Jens like, and Thomas is like And I’m like:

Patricia is not going to like this argument. Very not luxe.

Just when you think punches are about to fly, they both walk away from the argument. Phew, dodged a bullet. Or like, an assault charge.

JD: Thomas and Kathryn have enough problems, Jennifer doesnt need to add to them. This dams gonna break.

Exciting news tidbit: Thomas pronounces water like wooder.

Whats the first thing Jennifer does after being accused of starting drama? She fucking calls Kathryn from the porch of Patricias house! Whitney is like because his mom has to fight his battles. Everybodys gathered to watch while acting like theyre too classy to watch. Jennifer leaves on her own accord, fuck this show for being anticlimactic AF. I wanted an eviction!

Jennifer: I know what Kathryns going through because now I’m the one nobody likes.

Thomas: I can take a lot. Imprisonment, false political allegations, but do not mess with my family. It’s only okay when I treat Kathryn like shit.

Jennifer leaves yelling and once again this show is so fucking anticlimactic! You built up this party for three fucking episodes and what did we get? A heated argument from which both adults walk away on their own accord, and not even one person gets thrown out? Give me some damn drama, give me a fucking cliffhanger! Come on, Bravo! Do better.

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/