#pretending to care ass motherfuckers i hope you eat shit and die

[ooglywooglies]

american liberals, my post complaining about british people acting like theyre better than everyone else is not FOR you, i hate you just as much

[four-rabbit]

The Last Piece Left

This was supposed to be fluff the first time I had this idea. But then I decided that it could be fluffy with angst in the end. But then I got to actually write it and it became angst with even more angst in the end, so... hope you enjoy

I apologize in advance for any mistakes

Summary: For the first time since he left the Others, Virgil reunites the courage to talk to an old friend, but neither of them seem to know how to feel about each other. Or how to not make things worse. 

Characters: Remus Sanders, Virgil Sanders

Warnings: swearing, mentions to death and dead bodies, angst (does that count as a warning?), fight, sex mention

Word Count: 2287

“I told them my name” Remus looked away from the canvas in front of him, just to see who he once called a friend standing in the middle of his room, with an expression as abstract as the paint Creativity was trying to finish. So many feelings in such a small space it became impossible to understand. 

“Ok? Good for you, I don’t give a fuck” replied, focusing his gazes on anything except Virgil’s eyes, doing his best to keep his emotions simple. We hate each other. He abandoned us. That should be enough. Virgil stayed in silence for what seemed like a lifetime. “What do you want, emo?”

“Thomas painted his hair” he started.

“Yeah, I noticed. Purple doesn’t really go well with green. Unless we’re talking about a wound. Or a dead body. Nevermind, purple and green are awesome together”

“Yeah, I really liked the hair, actually. I was thinking… I mean, you and Deceit have green and yellow. The core sides also have colors. I’m kinda tired of the black” 

“Are you? I think it matches you, boring, quickly establishes that you’re the villain, having been washed in at least some months”

“I just want you to teach me how to sew,” Virgil replied, already starting to lose his temper. Calm down, he said to himself,he may be hard to deal with, but you are here to help, not make things worse. 

“Roman knows how to sew, probably way better than me. Do you think I should add like, blood red or more like a wine red?” He pointed to the canvas, answering his own question before Virgil could do so “Yeah, blood red of course, the classic”

“I kinda wanted it to be a surprise. Also, I don’t think Princey’s style really matches mine” Remus wishes he was as honest to himself as he was with other people. He knew deep down it would hurt more to do that. He knew that getting a bite of what used to be their friendship would just make him more hungry for something that didn’t even exist anymore. He knew it would probably hurt both of them even more. But someone wanted his help for the first time in… well. Virgil wanted his help. 

“Ok, get out of my room” said, finally turning to Anxiety, who tried to pretend those words didn’t send a wave of disappointment though his body. 

“Of course... This was a mistake” mumbled, starting to sink out.

“No dude! Fuck, I mean, like, intrusive thoughts and anxiety is never a good mix, let’s go to your room or a neutral room” quickly explained. 

“Oh” Virgil came back, seeming surprised “I can take your room just fine, dude, I’m used to it”

“It got way worse since the last time you were here, trust me, Gerard Gay” Virgil looked around. The view did look messier, if it was possible. The floor felt like skin, but with something off. He could hear whispers in the back of his consciousness, to which he could never identify a source. The smell was less like trash can and more like a trash can on fire where a corpse had been discarded some days ago. But he could take all that. He could take hours in that room, the same way Remus could take hours in his room. 

“I don’t see how”

“As much as I would love to see Thomas hyperventilating because his anxiety can’t stop thinking about how people are going to invade his house and slowely murder him if he doesn’t check all the locks at least five times, I’m pretty sure you don’t want that headache. And it will be a hell of a headache as soon as the room reaches your mind”

“Fine, My room, then?”

“Yeah, I’m in need of some new spiderwebs anyway” 

Virgil’s room didn’t change much since The Duke was there for the last time, except for some new Disney posters, probably from Roman and a drawing on the desk right beside anxiety’s bed. It was terribly colorful and childish, with all the three core sides and Virgil. Patton, then. Of course it was Patton. Anxiety immediately took the gift out of Creativity’s sight. 

“I’m not gonna eat it or anything, y’know?”

“It’s personal”

“Of fucking course it is” He could see how Patton seemed better compared to Janus. But they didn’t need a stupid - and shitty, let’s be honest - card to prove how much they cared for, everything was just so fucking stupid and boring with the core sides, why would Virgil fucking chose to be with them?! What was wrong with him?! What did Remus do wrong?! “It’s really shitty, but I guess daddy has always been bad at everything he did”

“Could you keep it down? For at least thirty fucking minutes?” Virgil snapped, clenching his fists and looking at Remus with pure danger in his eyes. 

“Do you have a… “He looked around, wishing he could just stop fucking talking for at least one damn second “A sketch. For how you want your hoodie to be? 

“I do, actually” Virgil kept his eyes away from his old friend, the tension in the room so heavy it could be cut, grabbing one of the drawings on the same table Patton’s gift was and giving it to the duke. It was… a concept. Remus conjured a pen, turning the paper and using it’s other side to make a more clear image, giving it back to anxiety.

“How about this?” Virgil tried not to smile, but his eyes betrayed him by shining. It was perfect.

"It 's cool”

“Great” he then started to reunite all the materials. One of Virgil’s older hoodies, purple fabric, white and black threads and…

“Why a spinning wheel?” 

"It 's cooler” replied, shrugging. 

“If I touch the needle will I also sleep for one hundred years?”

“Who knows? Now sit your ass down, emo, this will take time”

“Ok, what do I do first?” said, sitting on his bed and waiting for instruction. Remus flinched until the realization struck him. 

“Wait, you actually want me to teach you? Buddy, I’m the worst teacher ever and you know that” And also I’m a selfish motherfucker who knows very well that if you never learn it every time you need to fix it you will have to ask for my help. 

“It can’t be that hard”

“If you actually want to do something decent, it will take at least some days. Do you want The Duke in your room for days? I wouldn’t mind it, we could even have some fun” He smiled maliciously. He was right. Virgil wouldn’t want any of the core sides to know he still talked to Remus. Especially not Roman. 

“Fine. How long will it take for you to do it?”

“One hour” He could do it in a couple seconds, actually, but sshhh. 

“Ok” Virgil looked down, seeming almost… embarrassed. Creativity grabbed all the materials, conjured a bench, sat down and started to work. He tried to stay in silence, but it was almost painful to do so

“How are the core sides doing? Anything interesting, if that’s possible?”

“Are you trying to do small talk?” Virgil almost smiled. The only one of the Others good with that was Deceit and they all knew that. 

“I’m trying to keep it down like you said to protect your now light side ears or whatever” Virgil chucked, rolling his eyes. 

“What was that painting about?”

“Oh… I was trying to do an abstract representation of the emotions decay and rottenness bring”

“Sounds like you. How was it going?”

“Like shit. Not literally, even though that’s a good idea, did you know that when we die our whole body, like, relax, including our stomach muscles and all? And yeah, we shit ourselves, so go to the bathroom before you die, I guess” Virgil flinched with that unwanted information.

“I feel like you told me that before”

“I probably did, it’s pretty basic. I don’t know what the fuck is happening, I haven’t being able to paint anything good”

“I thought it was pretty nice” For Remus’ standards. 

“Sure you did. But really, how are those dorks? Did someone already explained to Daddy what sex it or nobody had the courage yet?”

“That’s what you’re concerned about?”

“Of course!” 

“Nobody did, obviously, but I’m considering, I like Patton, but if he refers to adulthood as adultery one more time I’ll lose it” Remus snorted. 

“He does what?”

“Long story, dude”

“Holy fuck” He laughed “He’s definitely doing that on purpose”

“What would he win by doing that?” A couple of answers came to Remus’ mind but he was sure VIrgil would hate all of them. Still, he had to choose one, that how things work “Maybe he likes fucking with you guys”

“Not everybody finds it funny to manipulate the people around them like Deceit” Oh, here we go again. 

“Patton and Janus are not that different”

“Name one thing they have in common” fortunately for Remus, the first answer that came to his mind was not that bad. 

“Well, if you’re right, they both don’t know where babies come from” Virgil seemed divided between keeping arguing and smiling. He went with the second option. You can do it, Virge. You can not screw everything. 

“I guess so. But Patton is definitely better with hugs” 

“Which one of the light sides would you fuck if you had to chose?”

“Where did that come from?!” Remus shrugged.

“Just curious”. 

“I won’t fucking answer that!” exclaimed, his face starting to get red.

“For me it would be Logan. Or maybe you. Do you count as a Light side already?” Anyway, Logan must be amazing. It’s almost like fucking a teacher and I always wanted to know how it feels like” Virgil was about to order him to shut up, but he knew Remus enough to know it would only make things worse, so he went with a more effective technique.  

“How is Deceit doing?” Remus raised his eyebrows, the question surprising enough to stop his line of thought. 

“Fine? Why do you care?”

“I mean… are you guys good?” 

“As always”

“Haven’t he been… hurting you or anything like that?”

“Janus never hurted me, dude, what the fuck?”

“Except that he did. Except that he does it everyday. You just don’t want to admit it” Remus looked into his eyes, frowning.

“Emo, what is this all about?” 

“What do you mean?” Based on how he focused his gaze on the floor, Remus raised his eyebrows even more. 

“This is not just about the fucking hoodie, is it?” Virgil stayed in a seeming never ending silence.

“They accepted me, Remus.You guys said it was impossible for the core sides to accept us, but here I am. They could accept you too” Oh, so that’s what this is about. Remus went to one of his rare silences, which were always scarier than his loudest noises. 

“We already talked about this, emo”

“But that was before! When we thought they all hated us! But they don’t! Logan is welcoming and Roman is trying and Patton… Patton is willing to receive us with his arms open”

“No, he’s fucking not. Patton hates me so fucking much I’m pretty sure he would get rid of me the second he had the fucking chance and would still convince himself it was the right thing to do” He got up without realizing, putting all his efforts into not crying like a pathetic child. 

“I think you’re mistaken him for Deceit” Virgil also got on his feet.

“Janus, his name is fucking Janus, why can’t you just call him for his fucking name?! He yelled. 

“He’s a liar, Remus! He doesn’t care about you or any of us! He just wants to… Follow his plans or whatever”

“Oh, do you think Patton cares about you?!”

“Actually yes, I know he fucking does”

“Well, yeah, maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t, but if I get there? Not only will he get scared and kick me out, he will also be angry at you for bringing the freak here into his perfect little world of sunshine and rainbows, so thank you so much, but Janus at least was there for me when I needed it, unlike those dicks or you!” Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. 

“I should have known this was a mistake” Virgil said, letting his shoulders drop with the height of defeat. 

“Yeah it was. Here is your fucking hoodie” He finished it with a snap of his fingers at threw it at Virgil, sinking out right after. “Have fun with your new friends, Virgil” 

Slowly, anxiety grabbed his new costume. It was amazing, Comfortable, spooky, creative. And it was so… detailed and clearly done carefully, It was… He started crying.Ugly crying, with the tears scratching his throat to came with violent sobs, their warm burning as they fell down his face, wetting his own clothes and the new one in his hands, the pain in his chest seeming like a monster was tearing apart his whole soul, trying to destroy his heart, it hurted more than anything that he ever felt. 

He knew, deep down, it was impossible to have a real famILY like that. But he also knew he was a hypocrite and it was easier to pretend things were simpler. It was easier to pretend he didn’t need Remus. Or Janus, by that extent. It was easier to pretend they weren’t family. But not easy enough for him to not hold on to all there was left from what they once called a friendship.

 He held the hoodie tighter.

[diazpoems]

Me watching Riverdale S2:

THE WAY KEVIN IS RAISING HIS HAND TO THE MOTHERFUCKING SKY WHEN HIRAM ASKS FOR A VOLUNTEER FOR A WRESTLING DEMONSTRATION. THIS THIRSTY MOTHERFUCKER. HIS FACE IS PRICELESS.

I wish I could just jump into Riverdale and shake the characters and be like

Cheryl: Your parents fucking suck

Josie: Your parents fucking suck

Veronica: Your parents fucking suck

Betty: Your parents fucking suck

Archie: Your dads okay so far, I don’t know about your mom

Jughead: Your dad used to fucking suck but as a person, at his core, I don’t think he’s evil, and he’s getting better, but he’s got a ways to learn. I don’t know about your mom

Kevin: Your dad’s decent so far? Don’t know about your mom

Like especially Josie because I know it’s hard and that a lot of the trauma her mom felt probably manifested itself badly and Josie probably feels attached to her mom and like she owes her being a good daughter because her mom’s had it bad but like I also DON’T CARE. FUCKING TREAT YOUR CHILD RIGHT. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT HAPPENED. THATS YOUR CHILD. WOMAN UP AND BE A FUCKING DECENT PERSON. I DON’T CARE THAT YOU PUT A ROOF OVER HER HEAD, FOOD IN HER MOUTH, GAVE HER A SINGING CAREER (But continue to control it and not give her leeway to think and act on her own). SHE DON’T OWE YOU SHIT. FUCK OFF WITH YOUR WEIRD LIFE-FUCKING-SUCKED-FOR-ME-BUT-IM-ALSO-A-CLASSIST-BITCH PARADOX. MY DAD’S GOT IT MADE RIGHT NOW BUT HE HASN’T FORGOTTEN HIS ROOTS, HASN’T FORGOTTEN THE DISCRIMINATION HE FACED AND THE FACT THAT HE GREW UP SHIT POOR EARLY ON AND HE HASN’T DECIDED “Hey, let’s ridicule people for being in a similar position that I was in!”

Basically, this is me begging for for Josie’s mom to ✨fucking do better✨

Anyways yeah normalize Riverdale characters disowning their own parents ✌🏽🥰

Hmmm. If I wasn’t completely and utterly for the Serpents before, the white serpents learning to shut the fuck up and stand with Toni and her grandfather in opposition of the genocide and colonialism that was perpetrated by Cheryl’s great great grandfather? Hell fucking yeah

Dude I’m sorta crying at the scene with Hiram seeing Veronica in her confirmation dress because he’s a piece of shit but this is how it goes down, like it’s a whole thing

I love that I immediately knew the meaning of “Catholic chic”. Apparently that’s all going to church every Sunday for the formative years of my life accomplished

I hope Penelope Blossom dies in a fire :)

OH MY GOD, LOVE SIMON CAME OUT RIGHT AROUND HERE, KEVIN IS ASKING MOOSE TO IT, MY COMFORT MOVIE OH MY GOD-

Ugh, I don’t trust Midge. Something about the tropey-ness of her being The Girlfriend™️ and her face, as well as the fact that she played Gen in tatbilb, something doesn’t sit right. The haircut feels too manic pixie, like she’s hiding something. Bad vibes

NOOO CHERYL ILL GO ON A VACATION WITH YOU 😭 GOD IM SO GONE FOR HER

Aaaaand she did some fuck shit. Aaaand Toni is pretty. Aaaand there’s the internalized homophobia.

Jughead saying that growing up Betty’s and Archie’s windows being parallel always bothered him sounds more like a jarchie admission than a bughead one, I’m just sayin’

BETTY AND JUGHEAD’S REACTIONS WHEN THEY HEAR THE BED SQUEAKING IS ME. Like the little amused but lowkey confused and baffled expression on his face as he’s like “is that their solution to everything? Can’t they ever just talk?” Like no apparently not. Me too Jug, me too-

Idk Vee, maybe he’s asking questions about your father’s line of work and the business of his associates because your dad and mom are fucking evil

What the fuck Veronica. I mean yay because that just gets us closer to Jarchie kiss but like what the fuck Vee. Also Jughead is super cute, like why does the blue eyes black hair thing absolutely melt my weak heart, like I didn’t choose to fall for this pasty ass white boy but here we are. Also Veronica’s eyes are really big and dark and pretty like girl help im falling for these two-

BETTY LITERALLY POINTED IT OUT, C’MON NOW CW, I KNOW WE’VE MADE THE MISTAKE OF GROVELING WITH SPN BUT PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU WE NEED A JARCHIE KISS-

CAN HETEROSEXUALS PLEASE STOP FUCKING ALL THE TIME ON TV. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SHOVE YOUR STRAIGHTNESS IN MY FACE. NOT EVERYONE IS STRAIGHT YOU KNOW.

“Entertain Jughead” 😏

DUDE. They were sitting ALONE. TOGETHER. In the WOODS. With them being the ONLY ones who haven’t kissed. DUDE.

C’MON MAN, THEY’RE STARING FUCKING LONGINGLY AT EACH OTHER

If there are weird gay ships for straights then Jeronica is the weird straight ship for gays

Ok so is there a legitimate reason why Veronica is faithful to her parents and defends them to a tee and partakes in their mob shit or is she just daddy’s little fucking girl. Like it isn’t her fault that she’s been manipulated but it pisses me the fuck off. And people who want her to stay with her parents because supposedly they’re the only ones who love her even though it’s toxic and warped? Like do you have a brain?

Archie and Veronica really love supporting gentrification, classism, and Vee’s rich daddy and mommy’s innocence huh

Look i actually agree with Reggie for once, get Hiram’s ass, deal with it Veronica

Wow, nice, shaming Jug for eating. That’s cool, Arch. That’s awesome. And no Betty, she doesn’t have everybody’s vote. Because Veronica’s parents are motherfuckers and when it comes to choosing between a murderer/abuser/rich/classist/gentrifying fuck and supporting your bestie uwu guess which one im fucking picking. Also, THANK YOU JUG for explaining to your friend that even though he lives in a fantasy land where northside Riverdale is the only one worth referring to when talking about Riverdale at all and thus the only one that matters and is worth protecting, the southside exists and people live and have grown up in the southside and building a prison there where it will be even more easy to profile and incarcerate southside residents under false or exaggerated pretenses ISN’T A GOOD THING. That his own friend isn’t quite apart of his and Veronica’s and Betty’s socioeconomic caste and that he’s not going to pretend like he is, he isn’t going to be quiet about it just because you’re friends again. That he’s not going to lay down and let Archie explain what a good move for Riverdale is when he clearly means northside riverdale, let him explain how the southside needs to be dealt with to someone who grew up on the southside and knows it more (not the most, I’m not saying Jug isn’t out of his depth with certain aspects of being a full southsider) intricately than him. LIKE FUCK. ARCHIE. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO. Like he just doesn’t get why building prisons and stereotyping and condemning all southsiders and gentrifying entire neighborhoods is really fucking bad and a big deal and it annoys me so much. Like yeah Arch, obviously you don’t see the big deal because it doesn’t affect you and you delude yourself that it doesn’t affect your friend either, but it actually is that bad.

In conclusion, Archie and Veronica and sometimes Betty are giving me headaches rn. Like I’m not saying Jughead is perfect at all but in this particular instance he’s the only one I agree with for the most part right now.

Yeah Arch, you see things differently because you’re not the one who’s on the receiving end of the problem

YES MOMMA ANDREWS. SNAP! GO FERAL! SHOW THAT SOB SOME CONSEQUENCES!

Ah, so this is the jarchie “break-up” scene. You know what. I feel no heartbreak. Get his ass Jug.

Get. His. Ass.

They sent Cheryl to a conversion institution. I’m literally crying. This isn’t an exaggeration. I feel like I want to cry. Just. God fucking damn it.

SHE DOESN’T WANT TO GET BETTER. SHE’S NOT SICK. YOU ARE. DIE. FUCKING DIE. BURN IN HELL. AND PENELOPE BLOSSOM TOO.

“That’s not how things go in Riverdale” is a veiled way of saying “don’t challenge the upper class and don’t try to stifle gentrification,” I hope you all know

[iamdorka]

I Couldn't Be More In Love

Colson and the reader have been friends since high school. “Friends”. Maybe they were more than that but before they never really spoke about it… and everything was okay until Colson started to act quite strange because the reader started to spend more and more time with his co-worker Harry Styles.

This is a piece of writing I already have finished in Hungarian… so my only work is to translate it for you and make it enjoyable for you too. Hope you like it. (The inspo behind the title was the song from the band the1975 and if you don’t know this song you should definitely check it out.)

- Colson Baker… if you touch that… I’m gonna cut you in half. – I threatened him at the moment when I saw that he was trying to taste the almost perfectly done cake on which I was working on the last couple of hours. He was tap dancing on my last nerve and he was enjoying it you just could simply see in his eyes that he was really enjoying it.

- On a scale from 1 to 10… how much do you want to kill me? – he asked when his finger was almost touching the cream on the cake. We were staring at each other in a way that it looked like we just could kill each other any moment.

I felt I could not breathe; I could not blink because if I would have done that then everything would have been ruined. I wasn’t the best cook neither the best baker so when I decided that I would make an eatable cake which somehow would not look like just a piece of shit it was a real challenge for me, a challenge I gladly accepted from myself. To be honest it didn’t really help me when Colson was nonstop by my side trying to sabotage all of my hard work.

- I just don’t understand why are you doing this. – he stated referring to the fact that I spent most of my free afternoon in the kitchen preparing this birthday cake for Harry.

I didn’t want to order a cake (which would have been so much easier) I wanted to do it myself. I spent quite lot of time with Harry, with who I became really good friend lately, so I think it was quite a nice thing to do.

- Because his birthday is tomorrow? – I asked not that he didn’t know the answer. He was acting clueless which was so not him.

- And? – he asked back and then all of the sudden he picked up the cake from the table. That was the time when I thought that my heart gonna sink or break into pieces.

- Put that cake down… for God’s sake… Colson… put that motherfucking cake back to its place because…. – as I started to get closer to him, he started to go backward with the cake in his hand but the moment he almost lost his balance I thought that I’m gonna drop dead… like I saw in my mind that he just lets that cake out from his fingers and everything turns into dust mostly my hard work.

- You are so beautiful when you are angry. – he smiled at me holding my treasure firmly in his hands. It was still safe, but Colson couldn’t say this about himself because I was planning to murder him soon.

- Then prepare yourself because I’m gonna be so damn gorgeous because I’m gonna kill you now… - I smiled awkwardly. - I’m being serious… I’m gonna die if you continue this… its not funny. – I painted him the situation in my head, but he was just still smiling. – But you have to know… If I die… I’m gonna haunt you forever, it will be my number one priority to mess your life up…. really, really bad. – I was really thinking that and by this moment there were only centimeters between us. The cake was safe and I could carefully put my hands below it but not really touching it yet.

- I would really enjoy your company… you can trust me. – he just didn’t give up.

My hand was now below his and he could have thought that I was going to grab the cake now…. but in reality, I really grabbed something else below that cake. Something that had more power over him.

- PUT THAT CAKE DOWN. – I said it again, the last time, I think. This time I think he could not misunderstand me.

- Because… what you gon… - he couldn’t finish his sentence because my fingers just got tighter on his… favorite body part.

- PUT IT DOWN. – now that the control of this situation was literally in my hands it started to get funny for me too.

Why? Because the surprise on his face was the best gift for me. Like I felt so damn powerful that I could surprise him this way that it made me incredibly happy. He could not move… he could not say a word. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed that this game backfired on him. Finally I could put a honest smile on me too.

- Okay… I will give up. – he finally put that cake back where it belonged. – You know… you can let me go too… - he leaned closer to me with a rogue smile on his lips because he was right…. somehow I did not let him go.

- Go fuck yourself. – I stated, staring in his eyes then grabbed the cake and went straight to the pantry just to put that gift in a safe place… and just to cool myself down too.

I swear to God for some minutes I literally blacked out there because I don’t know how but after a few minutes I just realized that my forehead is against the cold wall and my fingers still feeling that they are holding something. I got goosebumps all over my body, my body started to ache intensely, and I don’t even want to mention my heart race.

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. – I started to frisk, jump and scream just like a little girl having a tantrum kinda melt down but before I really lost my mind I stormed out of that place.

- Cheers to that! – he said with a mischievous smile sitting on the counter with a spoon in his mouth because he was just eating my ice cream enjoying everything around him… mostly my suffering, my unexplainable behaving. Only if I could read his mind sometimes… only if…

- I want some of that for me… - I pointed at the ice cream… which was right between his thighs which after my surprising act wasn’t the best place for me to point at... I just could not take it no more so before I started to embarrass myself more and more… I started heading to my room.

- Okay boss, okay… - he nodded, and I was glad that he didn’t commented on the fact that I was starting to sound and behave like a total mess.

I just needed a good damn ice cold shower and not just because the cake cream was all over me because yeah I was that good damn talented in the kitchen that on my back was cream too but because my body started to act up in a way in which it should have not. It was like it started to realize it had some kind of new deadly virus which was released just a few minutes ago.

It was really nice from Colson that when he knew that I was gonna spend some time in Los Angeles he offered me to stay at his place. I was spending some time here because I was in the studio with Harry and had some appearances in the region. First, I wanted to stay at a hotel, but he convinced me that his place has way much rooms and I could easily spend my LA time there. I can thank him a lot. He teached me a lot of the industry, of this whole crazy world we are currently living in and honestly, he was the only one I had connection with from the old times, from our high school Cleveland days. Our passion for music was a bond between us that could not be broken like ever.

- Move your ass a bit… - I said this when I was back in the living room where he was laying on the couch occupying the whole place just for himself. - I was talking to you… lazy ass. – When I was in front him, he still didn’t move a bit like he was pretending to be deaf or something.

- Okay, okay… bossy. – he laughed and satting up he made place for me too so I finally could sit down beside him.

- As I can see your ugly face needs some help too… so le me see if we can do some miracles with what I got here… - I said with a box full of face masks and creams on my lap.

- That was harsh… you hurt me girl. – he whined just like a little boy.

- Dear God… I did not say that you are not handsome… I just said that you have an ugly face. – I rolled my eyes smiling.

- What a logic we have here. – he mocked me. - So… you think I’m handsome? – he asked while I choose some cream or his skin and started to work on him a little bit.

- Just like the devil himself…. – I put out my tongue just a little bit.

- You have to be careful girl… because that devil will come for that tongue… - he said and this was the time when I decided to make him shut up, so I put some mask on his lips too.

His face mask really looked like some kind of swamp kinda thing but maybe he still looked kinda cool this way too. How could he pull this off too? Meanwhile I looked like a monster myself who could scare people away instantly.

We decided to stay in and watch some movies because we both had a long day and it was some long time ago that we could spend some quality time together so hours ago we already knew that we gonna end up here just chilling.

The thing I didn’t know was that I just would not find my comfortable place there like something inside me just could not let me be. First, I just sat there… but then I wanted to lay down, but I could not do that because I had my mask on. I didn’t even know what we were watching because if I was honest with myself my mind was on some kinda trip that it didn’t wanna share with me, so I was there in my body not really being there actually.

- Okay, please stop this because you are making me dizzy and you will fall of this couch soon… come here instead. – he put a towel on his lap and asked me to lay there instead of moving constantly like an idiot which could been annoying for him too.

- Thank you. – I murmured as if I did something wrong then laid there. There where I finally found my peace like literally. As I put my face down my body started to calm down instantly.

- Do you know until when you gonna stay in the city? – he asked, and he started to stroke my arm gently.

- It all depends how much time we gonna need in the studio… but if we see the current situation… I won’t leave the city soon. – I admitted thinking that we were already behind with the recording sessions. You can plan things out but then l comes and ruins everything.

- I wouldn’t mind if you were closer to us… - he said, and I moved a bit so now as I looked up and opened my eyes his face was right above of mine.

- You are saying this if you weren’t constantly touring yourself… - I said knowing that his schedule is hectic too. – The only thing I know that on Monday we gonna travel somewhere with Harry because we are gonna shoot our first video together… also we need to record our second song too which by the way… is a bomb. – I was really excited about working with Harry he was an inspiring soul to work and to be with too.

- I don’t know what is so special about that boy… - he shook his head not understanding a thing.

- If I think about it… he is less a jackass than you are right now. – I said it quietly than decided to close my eyes as if I were gonna mediate or something. This movie night was kind of a dead idea by now but at least we had some background noise.

- Do you like him? – he asked. I knew this is coming I felt this in my bones because the last couple of days when he knew that I would meet with him he started to act quite strange, like he was another person, not really himself.

- Like him how? – I knew exactly what he was referring to… but I just had to ask him this. He knew I liked him, that’s why we were working together… but this question had more meaning than just pure words.

- I’m just asking… you two spend so much time together… I wouldn’t be surprised if your wo were together… if you were in love with him. – Colson really lived in an alternative universe where he could really think that this is the way things are between me and Harry. If I spoke about Harry, I always referred to him as a friend… if something would be between us Colson would have knew that.

- You are right… totally right Colson. – this was the last drop I could take. I just could not lay in his lap anymore, so close to him. – I was always like that… if I started to talk with a boy the next minute, I was in his bed… it’s so typical from me. It’s so nice from you that you really think this of me… - not even thinking I was already whipping the mask off from my face.

- I didn’t say this… - he stood up too trying to reach out for my fingers, but I didn’t let him touch me.

- But it came out this way…. I don’t know what’s your problem with Harry and why is such a big problem that I’m spending more and more time with him and not always because of diversion but because we are fucking working together… which as it seems is a new information for you. – I already had everything packed in the box and I was heading back to my room, but he could easily keep track with me because his long legs helped him a lot.

- Y/N… - he tried to reach out for my hands again, but I still didn’t let him close to me.

- Just tell me one fucking good reason why you are acting like this…. why all of you are saying isn’t straight up bullshit…. – we were already in the door of my room, but he was dead silence. He could not say a word, he just didn’t move… he was just staring in my eyes as if he was debating with himself. if we wanted, we could have cut the tension between us. A sparkle and all of us would have burnt down. Just a sparkle would have ended all. – I thought the exact same thing. – he just kept his silence, but I didn’t really want to be there no more. – Good night Colson. – I nodded and stepped inside my room and headed immediately to the bathroom from where I could clearly hear that after I closed the door… his fists also met with the door… quite strongly.

[danetobelieve]

What’s black and white and bled all over? || Orion, Ricky and Winston

Winston hated life right now. It wasn’t that they had a hard life usually. Really they had a pretty sweet deal. But all they had wanted to do was get burgers with their friends and enjoy themselves. So as they stepped out of the car and spotted a mime version of themself and what looked like a mime version of Ricky, they couldn’t help but swallow nervously. “That’s not good news…” they looked at Ricky who was in the passenger seat and behind him Rio, “they’ve just been following us around everywhere so far, I think we’re okay to get burgers right? There’s three of us and only two of them….” Why did Rio get to avoid his mime-ganger when Winston and Ricky were forced to confront them head one. This wasn’t fair. They didn’t want to have to pretend their mime copy wasn’t currently sat in the car park of Al’s. 

“I just wanted a burger. One fucking burger… okay maybe two burgers because I skipped lunch but I just wanted burgers. And fries. What I didn’t want to see that motherfucker in a dark parking lot.” Ricky carefully exited the car and moved to stand next to, if slightly in front of, Winston, “There’re three of us and two of them but I’m not entirely convinced they’re not magical in some way which is what’s scary to me because I definitely know my parents didn’t have any other kids so the fact that there’s a mime twin of me means some fuckery is afoot.” He started to move cautiously towards the door of the restaurant, watching their mime-twins as he moved, “Maybe they won’t follow us in the restaurant? I mean it’s bright and well lit and maybe they don’t like crowds? We can hope? I don’t know. I’ve never had to deal with this before.” 

Orion was starving and had really been looking forward to lunch. At least, he had been. Until they pulled into the parking lot and saw those… things. He didn’t know how to describe them. He had thought Erin had just been playing a trick on him before. Until… well until he ran into the real Erin. And then when he was with Blanche also. Whatever those things were, it wasn’t human. And he hadn’t quite gotten around to mentioning them to Winston or Ricky. Despite it all… it seemed a little unbelievable. Besides, Ricky and Rio hadn’t exactly had that talk yet. About the supernatural. He climbed out of the car with Ricky and Winston, though he didn’t exactly want to. “Hey uh… so now is probably the best time to mention that I ran into one of these earlier this week.” He scratched at the back of his head nervously, deciding which parts to mention. The part where it had super strength, just like Rio himself? Or maybe the part where he murdered it and it… evaporated? What exactly had happened to it? “And it may or may not have tried to kill Blanche and I. So… uh- Maybe we should just eat somewhere else?”

Looking around, Winston decided that they were too hangry to deal with this bullshit, and yet as they conversed amongst themselves Winston noticed that the mimes were also mimicking their conversation. Their mouths moving exactly the same way as Ricky and Winston’s without any sound escaping. “Rio, next time you almost get murdered by something with Blanche please tell us, it usually comes back to bite us in the ass.” They laughed and looked back to the front of the restaurant. So close. But so far. “I don’t know if they’re going to let us go in and I don’t think that going somewhere else is going to stop them from following us or from just reappearing. Either way, I don’t think we can get away from them…” Winston looked at their mime who looked back at them with worrying intensity. “Any suggestions?” Winston’s mime moved on their own, without Winston moving first. It didn’t look away or move, it just took a slow, deliberate step forward.

“I love that girl but I swear every time something weird or creepy happens she’s always got a finger in the pie, as it were.” Ricky kept one eye firmly on the doppelgangers that were mimicking their every move, down to mouthing the same words that they were in the conversation. Which was when he noticed that his doppelganger was the same as him physically in every way; down to the (horrifyingly) black and white striped fangs that were revealed every time it opened its mouth to mimic his speech. He quickly clamped his mouth shut and turned his back to Rio, surreptitiously pointing at his mouth and then at the mime hoping Winston would get the message. He’d been about make some flippant comment about their enemies when the Winston Mime took a slow and unerring step towards them, “Oh that’s not good. That’s so not good. Rio… stay behind us. We should back slowly towards the car and get the fuck out of here.” 

“She’s… just unique.” Orion shrugged. It was true, she did somehow end up involved in everything. She had really become something of a social butterfly. Big change from high school. The Winston mime took a step towards the three and Rio instinctively jumped backwards. It was just a small step, and yet knowing what he knew, it was so terrifying. So far, their versions of the mimes seemed a bit less… murdery than Blanche and Rio’s. But they were also still a while away. Rio heard Ricky tell him to stand behind them and considered whether or not he should listen. Physically, Rio was the strongest of the three, though that didn’t speak much to his ability to protect them. Rio had almost gotten sick when he had killed his mime, and he and Blanche had cried about it. He followed Ricky’s advice, moving towards the car and reaching for the door handle, pulling at it feebly, the door unmoving. “Um… did you lock the door? It won’t open.”

“I won’t hear any shit talking about Blanche, it’s not her fault she’s got a heart the size of a house and all the bad luck of Kansas.” Winston jested of course, there were few people who were less likely to genuinely badmouth their friend then the three of them. Winston noticed the fangs and caught the look and gesture that Ricky shot his way. Winston had been hoping that it wouldn’t mean that their mime was the same, but then the door was locked and Winston knew exactly what was going on. “No, I definitely did not lock the door.” The central locking on their car had gone a long time ago and what did you know it, Winston had had the good fortune of leaving their keys in the car. Great. “I guess we have no choice but to …” looking around frantically they tried to think of an option but the mimes were heading towards them and they weren’t far away now. “Rio, try and stay out of the way I guess, there’s no point running… uh, you’ll see why.” Pulling their jacket off, Winston set it gingerly on the hood of the car. “I really didn’t want this to be the way I first did this.” Winston whined as they saw the other mime’s hands flicker and spark. It didn’t take it long to conjure this into a ball of fire and hurl it their way. “Move!” Winston shouted, tackling Rio to the ground. 

“Oh nobody here is talking shit about Blanche. I’d go to fucking war for Blanche. But she also does manage to find herself in the center of any and all weird supernatural shit in this town. Like literally all of it. I think it’s because she’s friends with literally everyone and everything.” Rio’s comment about the door made Ricky wonder exactly how similar their clones were because if Winston’s clone had the same level of magical ability that the real Winston had this could be incredibly dangerous. “Do you think they’ve got…” the rest of his sentence though was cut off by Mime Winston conjuring a ball of fire and tossing it directly at them, “Well that answers that question.” He looked at his own clone stalking slowly toward them, fangs bared sinisterly, “I THINK THIS RELATIONSHIP HAS A LOT OF POTENTIAL AND WE SHOULD SIT DOWN AND TALK ABOUT WHERE THIS IS GOING. WHAT ARE WE? I THINK THIS COULD REALLY BE TRUE LOVE!!” His clone faltered in its tracks at this and Ricky couldn’t help but laugh a little “That probably says nothing good about me but that is a little bit funny at least” It quickly recovered from the existential terror of a committed relationship and continued moving towards them. “Fuck. This isn’t how I wanted to do this either.” he slid his false teeth out of his mouth and into the pocket of his jacket, baring his own fangs as the mime headed towards them, “You gotta take care of Magic Mike over there but I’ll try to take down Ricky 2.0.” He lowered his shoulder and charged, aiming for ribs that he hoped were as injured as his own were. 

Was that… fire? Orion tilted his head curiously as the magic seemed to appear from nowhere, and also moved closer and closer to them. He felt someone tackle into the side of him and the next thing he knew, Winston and Rio were on the pavement, Winston flattening Rio against the ground. “Woah. Thanks.” Rio muttered, lying there for a few moments as the gears in his head turned. There was a long moment of confusion as he finished the puzzle in his brain. Mime Rio had super strength. Rio had super strength. Blanche’s mime didn’t have super strength. Rio’s mime didn’t have fire powers. Winston’s mime did have fire powers. Which meant… “Holy crap.” Rio gasped, interrupted by Ricky’s yelling. Rio slid back onto his feet and watched Ricky take his… teeth out? Fake teeth. Right. In any other moment, Rio would be incredibly excited that he had been right. But they had other things to worry about at this exact moment, like Winston’s silent but deadly doppelgangar. “Just a heads up… these things aren’t human.” He began, realizing that that wasn’t exactly what he meant. “Or well.. Not that. The human part doesn’t matter. But they’re… not normal. When they die they sorta… poof into darkness.” It was the only thing that had let Rio get over the fact that he had killed it. Knowing it was some kind of demonic illusion or something was comforting.

“You’re welcome, and yeah, holy crap, you’re, I mean, I - this wasn’t how I wanted you to find out about this,” Winston popped up to their feet and summoned as much energy as they could muster. If this thing was them that meant that they could do the same thing right? So Winston just had to be smarter then themselves? That couldn’t be hard right? RIGHT? Winston looked as the flames sputtered out on the pavement and tried to think of something smart to do. But there wasn’t really all that many options. Winston looked around for something, for anything. Their mime was stood next to a car, which was probably as good as this was going to get. Focussing on the windscreen, Winston forced it to shatter, the chunks of glass shooting towards Magic Mime who had just conjured another fireball and prepare to hurl it in Rio’s direction. The glass seemed to shatter into smaller pieces as it approached Winston, but they focussed, forcing the panes towards them as they felt the energy pour out of them. They could do this, if they kept them busy then Winston Mime couldn’t hurt Rio. “Wait, you’ve already killed yours?” Winston felt sweat trickle down their brow, “Any tips?” 

Ricky had a moment of intense pride when he saw Winston, his Winston not the fucking freak in mime makeup, turn a car windshield into a magical shrapnel grenade. The moment however was short lived as his shoulder collided with his own mime clone, sending them both to the ground. Of course, since this was his cursed existence now, his mime made no noise to indicate whether or not Ricky had his freshly healed ribs with his shoulder, but the look of rage and pain that skittered across his face made him think he had, “Jesus we’ve all had the fantasy about fooling around with our clone but this is definitely not how I saw it going.” His moment of glib quippery was quickly cut short as his clone buried fangs into his shoulder “Fucking shit!” He attempted to roll away but Mime Ricky had a far firmer grip with his fangs than Real Ricky would have preferred. “I didn’t know these things were so fucking sharp!” He kneed the clone quickly in the groin, wincing with sympathetic pain but scurrying backwards as the mime released its fangs. “I didn’t wanna have to knee you in my balls but you didn’t give me much of a choice.” The mime started to stalk slowly towards him and Ricky took a low stance, “Winston. You good? I saw the windshield thing. That was dope. Rio? You good? Anybody have a gun?” 

“Uh I think they die like anyone else does, at least mine wasn’t especially hardy.” Orion shrugged, trying not to dwell too much on the feeling Rio had when that mime died. It hadn’t been a great feeling. But he was a bit less horrified once he realized that the things weren’t exactly… living. He stood between Ricky, in a full on fist fight with his mime clone and Winston, having some kind of mental magic standoff with his clone. All while Rio was standing there, doing nothing. Helpless and useless as per usual. He saw Winston’s mime preparing something else when the windshield by it shattered. Orion recoiled back before realizing that it had been the real Winston that had done it. Jesus that was cool. He couldn’t just stand here, watching them as their mimes tried to kill them, right? But from back here, what could he do? “Uh… I’m okay, all things considered. Please focus on your mime and not us.” He tried for a nervous laugh and held a thumbs up out to Ricky. “I don’t own a gun.” He stated as if this should be obvious. “Stay here. Keep them focused on your magic.” Rio said, finally forcing himself to move, staying low and practically crawling on all fours across the parking lot and closer to the restaurant. Maybe he could sneak up behind the mime like he had with his own, when it was trying to kill Blanche. Clearly, he was not being as sneaky as he thought he was, because Winston’s mime turned towards Rio and started conjuring up another fireball. “Oh god.” Rio mumbled, realizing that he was stuck between the building and a parked car. With nowhere else to go, he did the only thing he could think to do, he dove for the window. He crashed through the window just as the fireball crashed into him, tumbling over one of the booths and crashing into a mess of broken glass on the restaurant’s floor. His back ached against the broken glass and his side stung, “Ow.”

As Ricky did his best to keep his mime-ganger busy, Winston felt their energy all but pour from them. Their shrapnel bomb was a good idea, one that they were rather pleased with. But their mime didn’t have all that much trouble dealing with it. The glass shattered against an invisible barrier with a shattering cacophony that Winston would never have been able to imagine. Sweat poured from their body and their shirt clung to their skin, it was already damp from the perspiration and Winston could feel the material stick to their back as they released their latest spell and the remnants of the wind shield disappeared. Winston took a moment to breath but spotted the fireball a moment too late. It hurtled towards Orion, and might well have hit their friend as they went through the window of the restaurant, but Winston managed to deflect the bolt of fire a little, not much, but it didn’t kill anyone and although the customers in Al’s were already scattering via the fire exits, Winston didn’t exactly have time to think as mime Winston started chanting something in Latin. Winston didn’t need to know what they were planning to know that they had to deal with it now. The Latin words for death and decay had been said a total of three times. “Can’t talk gotta counter spell this shit,” Winston snapped to their friends as they spotted Rio, but they couldn’t stop chanting and they couldn’t allow the mime Winston to complete this ritual. 

Several things happened in quick succession that Ricky wasn’t necessarily the most thrilled about; firstly MimeWinston knocked Rio through the window of Al’s with a fireball and while Rio seemed fine, it wasn’t really how this was supposed to go. Secondly MimeWinston started chanting in Latin, which was nice for breaking the eerie silence of the whole mime routine but was concerning in that Ricky had seen enough horror movies to know where this was going. Thirdly… Mime Ricky appeared to have produced a knife from inside his incredibly tacky outfit and had changed his tack to head towards Winston, theoretically to attempt to stop his counterspell. “Not my fucking brother you stripey fuck.” Ricky picked himself up off the ground, ignoring the blood pouring from his shoulder and charged his clone once again; tackling him around the knees and sending him crashing to the ground, “White… and… black… stripes...are… not… our… color… scheme…” Each word of his diatribe was punctuated with as hard a punch as he could manage, at the very least trying to keep his clone distracted “RIO! ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!” the knife slashed for him and he rolled away at the last possible moment, “Are we gonna have to kill these things to stop this? Not that I’m against a very literal manifestation of kill your demons but I don’t think my therapist has any openings this week to talk me through this.” His mime snarled at him, licking his blood off of its fangs, “Oh that’s just gross. Come on dude, do us a little credit here. You’re making me look bad.” 

Orion laid on the floor of the restaurant for what felt like forever, not wanting to put his body through the strain of standing back up. But finally, after a deep breath and an internal conversation with himself while he stared at the ceiling, his body began to stir and he grabbed onto the booth’s table to help hoist himself up onto his knees. His body felt hot, which probably had something to do with the fireball that had come way too close to hitting him. He glanced down to find the side of his sweater completely singed, a reminder that it apparently had hit him. He glanced out of the window to find that Mime Ricky now had a knife that he was trying to take Ricky out with. And Winston was in a full on chant battle with their mime. Rio guessed that the whole silence thing didn’t seem to matter when it came to dead languages. Rio didn’t know what the spell was supposed to do, but he did know latin. And he knew that those words couldn’t mean anything good. He began pushing himself up onto his feet when a stabbing pain shot through his body. He glanced down to find a shard of glass protruding from his leg. “Oh. Great.” He took a deep breath, grabbing at the glass and pulling it from his leg with a yelp. “Ow, ow, ow.” He kept repeating to himself, raising his arms in a thumbs up towards Winston and Ricky. His sleeve may have been burnt, but at least it still covered his arms. He needed to find a weapon.

Were mimes supposed to chant? Winston was confused at why the thought struck them at that very moment but they were determined to finish their chant first. In reality they finished at the same time. Winston was drenched in sweat now, their bones felt like they were made out of lead and Winston wasn’t convinced that they would have been able to stand up if they weren’t already braced in place. They felt light headed. There was a flicker of sparks around the other mime who looked like they were in an equally precarious predicament and then light leaped from both of them and collided, whirling together for a second before blinking out of existence. Winston was not best pleased by the fact that what remained of their scant energy in that moment drained from their body. They felt faint, the pavement rushed up to meet them and Winston fell to the floor with a fairly visceral crunch. Pain exploded along their left side as their shoulder scraped the concrete and their vision swum in and out. Was this what Morgan and Nell had meant when they’d mentioned that magic could take too much from you? Had they taken it too far?

As far as trips out for burgers went this was probably the worst time Ricky had ever had. He looked up from his narcissists wet dream of tussling with his mime clone to see Winston hit the deck; whether from injury or exhaustion it was unclear “RIO!” Ricky shouted through the shattered window to the restaurant, tackling his clone as they once again tried to go for Winston. “Leave them the fuck alone!” he grunted as they hit the ground once more and Ricky felt a white hot pain lance through his thigh as the knife finally found purchase. “RIO. YOU GOTTA COVER WINSTON.” His mime scrabbled for purchase as he and the true Ricky rolled around on the ground, before Ricky managed to get ahold of the curly brown hair he loved so much. Yanking back as hard as he could he exposed his snarling clone’s throat and the pale black and white stripped skin “There is room for exactly one fucking Ricky Cordero on earth and it ain’t the fucking mime version.” His sharp fangs found purchase easily enough as he bit into the mime’s throat and ripped it out in a great gout of some disgusting tar-like substance. “Burn in mime hell you mute french fuck.” He spit the tar out of his mouth and pulled the knife from his leg, limping towards his fallen roommate “We gotta go!” 

Orion limped towards the counter of the new abandoned restaurant. He heard Ricky screaming his name from outside, and limped faster, the fresh wound from the glass still hurting. A good night’s sleep would mostly take away any of the limp, but the wound would probably scar if the glass went too deep. But that wasn’t important right now. He limped behind the counter and started scrounging around, finally settling once he got hold of a steak knife. He turned and bee lined it for the entrance. Pushing out of the door just in time for Ricky to spit some gross black liquid out of his mouth. Gross, but it must have meant that his mime had been taken care of. Which just left Winston’s. Both Winston and their mime seemed to be completely exhausted, whatever spell the two had been working on had done a number on both of them. Rio didn’t waste any time, he stalked up to the crumpled mime and fell on his knees besides it, plunging the heart into the mime’s chest. A few seconds later it exploded in a cloud of black and white striped smoke. Not human, not human, not human. That thing had to die. He pushed himself back onto his feet and jogged over towards Ricky and Winston, trying to ignore the pain in his leg. Orion wasn’t much for PDA. In fact, he wasn’t really comfortable with any form of intimacy in most cases, so it surprised even him when he got to Ricky and wrapped him into a hug first thing, “Holy crap! That was horrifying! And also really cool. Later we totally have to talk about the Selkie thing. Please don’t get that gross slime stuff on me.” Rio laughed, jerking away from Ricky and the gross liquid on his mouth. He swooped down to help Winston up, taking the chance to wrap them into a hug too, “I’m really glad none of us died. You’re amazing.” He took the opportunity to help Winston backup to their feet. Clearly, Winston was too exhausted to do anything at the moment, and Ricky looked like his leg might be hurt pretty bad too. But they would figure that out after this. “So uh… Guess this means I’m driving home then?”

It all happened in a blur, Winston couldn’t imagine what on Earth was going on but they could vaguely see Ricky and their mime scuffling then they moved out of view and Ricky came out wiping something dark from their mouth. Their head was spinning, everything seemed to throb and pulse and Winston gasped down several gulps of air. Suddenly Rio was by their side and hugging them. Almost delirious with exhaustion Winston clung to Orion still squinting at where their mime-ganger had lain, now there was just a weird smoke drifting away. Winston could’ve sworn that they were hallucinating but was it black and white? “Fuck, you guys were great, fuck has anyone got like anything to eat, I am fucking starving …” Winston looked over at the ruined restaurant and sighed, “fuck I guess we can’t eat there.” They tried to stand but faltered, leaning on Orion for support. “Please, take the keys, we’re going home now.” 

[cybernightwanderer]

“ My Reiki and Yoga New Free Soul Brother - Once an abuser manipulative thieve , money driven leach “

Well thats a big tittle to describe one person entirely. So my ( midle ) brother across my kid years and then teenager developing to adult, my brother was an interesting person. For example, in school my brother would pretend he didnt know me , and if i even dared to aproach him he would shame me in front of everyone, even thought they already knew i was his sister, i was bullied a lot in school so at the start i tried a few times reaching out to him , specially because i didnt have any friends and id always be alone. This motherfucker who was already a teenager completly dismissed me , BUT would actually seek me out or talk to me when he needed lunch money because he already “ spent his”, funny enough hed get mine to eat coz he didnt wanna use his, and if i didnt gave him even though i hadnt eaten , he would guilty me badly , and being the kid that i was , my brother was everything to me , even tho he didnt gave a shit about me.

So in consequence i started drawing a distance line between me and him, at home id start to distance myself and ignore him. And he started getting like a really attention whore, hed always annoye me , and force me to hangout, and i didnt he would threaten me or do some shit at the house and blame me for it , because my mother at the tinniest shit at home would beat the crap out of me , so me being the little kid that i was tired of getting beatings for no random reason , id play along. My brother would literally antagonzie me and scare the shit out of me while so. Everytime my family went anywhere , for example the beach, id try to go to the water alone for some peace this motherfucker would sneak behind me and try to drown me as a joke , like every 5 minutes, id yell in panic and my mom wouldnt do shit, eventually id end up actually chocking on water and  hit my head on the sand and cry the rest of the time. So yeah FUN ! Did my mom do anything ? ofc no , “ hes just playing around “. I had BD collections that id buy with my lunch money that sometimes id save up, disney movie cassettes and so on. Sometimes id have snacks in my room to eat when studying or something. My brother, being a full grown ass teenager that he was , would steal everything without me even catching a glimpse of it. My brother would “ borrow “ things without asking then hide them because he wanted. I had two final fantasy collectible caracters that i spent my leftover bday money on, and my brother would take it as his own. Yes because whatever birthday money i got wether it be 50 euros or even 20 from my grandma or aunt, my mom would take it “ borrowed” for herself with no justification, shed always say “ Ah lend me i need it  / or / I always buy you clothes and everythings, i buy you food , you owe me this , thats the minimum you could do / “ or / she would just take it without me knowing , she would inspect my bday gifts and take it before hand , the problem is that my grandma or aunt would always after if i was gonna save it up and id ask what and they would question what i did with the money and i would ask what money and blah blah , you get where this is going.

OH and if i didnt give my money the money she would beat me up ! wich is funny asf. My brother literally sold all my things behind my back, my original BDS, MY FUCKING POISON IVY STORYLINE BD, my disney cassetes , my collectibles, and my snacks he would steal and eat. If i had saved up money hidden, first he would try to borrow it and guilty me with the “ im such a good brother to you , you cant even lend me money ? i will pay you back, trust me “ ... ofc he never payed me back , but every two weeks he woul do this shit. And if i by any chance didnt gave him , hed just steal, or sell my things, wich regardless of me lending him , he would do it anyway. Fast forward to my early teenage years, i had to start working , i quit school because we entered that internet deth with my moms company, wich my brother also contributed to but let the blame to me ofc, i was already the punch bag of the family what is one more thing. My brothers were always my moms “ babies “ even tho one was already a full grown ass man and the other was already on his way. My brother did nothing at home , didnt take the dog outside, didnt take out the trash, didnt make food, didnt wash the dishes, didnt clean the house, basicly sit on his ass all day playing video games and eating, and selling my shit for money. My brother was unemployed for 3/4 years in between those i studied and worked at the same time , and did all the house chores, even if i had to walk the dog as 2/3 am after work i would have to, even tho my brother was in bed all day. My mom would literally yell at me and make my life a living hell and threaten to hit me if i didnt do it or even dared to complain. I would get home trying to study , trying to recorver at school ,and she would yell non stop until i didn every house chore, wich i would only manage to finish at midnight or later, and then id be too tired and unmotivated to do anything so id just sleep, and id always get late to class thanks to that. When my brothers started working, it was at my dads wearehouse, where i was forced to work too. Id work 8 to 10 hours , sometimes more, because we got payed by publicity stock packs, each pack was worth 1 euro, wich also 1 pack took 1 hour and 15/20 minutes to make. So if i wanted to make the day worth anything i had to rush , no eating breaks or pee breakes. My hands at the end of the day would literally be filled with newspaper and printed paper ink and dirk, and tons of cuts and sores , that would be leeched in paper ink, wich make it hurt even more at the end of the day, and was really hard to take it out. My brother would take breaks every 30 minutes to smoke , be on his phone or even go to bathroom or eat randomly, i wouldnt stop the 8 hours straight, and when i actually had to go to the bathroom or eat something because id get sick, my brother literally stole packs from me, or try to “ negociate my help for X “, the thing about my brother is that hed always try to negociate something , ofc it was always entangled for his own benefit and not both.

So it was like this my brother came up to me all excited and say “ oh if you do this to help me , ill split the profit that way we will make more and will be less exausting “ stupid like i was id always give in, specially because if i didnt  hed steal anyway.... Hed always change his methods and works, and guilty me if i didnt do it, so id always have to do so. If i didnt hed just change the pack registration list either way, without me even seeing it, and fake my signature, i only found out we had to sign an official paper a few months later when my dad asked, before that my brother would always tell me to note them on my phone then send the numbers by the end of the week, and since he was the bosses son , every one backed up that story ofc.  Eventually when i started to get older , i cut ties with my brothers and dad. And my ( midle ) brother was constantly trying to reach out and play nice and shit , also he was still working at the wearhouse . Anyway , fast forward when i got unemployed after the 5 star hotel due to rape attent and shit like that, i was unemplyoyed for 4 moths?! My brother tried to reach out , and even came home before my mother to try and persuade me to enter one of his schemes, i explained to my brother that i didnt have any money and that i wouldnt believe anymore of his stupid schemes and blah blah. He swore he was only trying to make up to me , and the plan was , i would pretend to work at my dads  wearehouse, but i would just be there 2 times a week and he would give me a cut of the protfit, coz if he didnt want my dad to hire some random slow guy, so he set up to do a two persons work, and give me 30 % of the monthy rate and all i had to do is show up a few times for my dad to see i was there, and then go home. That motherfucker insisted for 3 days straight promissing it wasnt a scheme and that he was serious this time. OBVIOUSLY THAT DIDNT HAPPEN OBVIOUSLY- with the last 10 euros i had, i bought train tickers to the wearhouse, the first week he actually stick to his word, a few days later the shit started, he actualy forced me to deliver shit and stuff. Wich for me was really difficult because its when i started to develop hernias, and the pain was too overwhealming, and that fucker didnt care and still forced me to, eventually i told him i was out , and found out he still used my name in his shit plan  and pretended i was still working there to my dad for two whole months , and then begged me to lie to my dad on the phone, hed literally call me before my dad trying to get me to lie, and promissing the money, and hed ask my mom to pressure my to help him. What could i do??!! what happend after you may ask? did my brother gave me the money? OFC NO ! NO! He gave me 115 euros of the cut , and he made 996 euros to himself. And told me it was only for the days “ i actually worked “  NEVER IN MY LIFE  I VERBALLY EVER SAID TO ANYONE , FAMILY OR NOT  “ I hope you die, you are shit , you are nothing to me , seriously i hope you die “ and acually meant it and wished it. For the first time in my life i actually wished so hard for my brother to just die. I was done, i was officialy done , i had never been so done with someone. I was officialy done with my family. I blocked my dad on everything, i told my dad to fuck off. I told my older brother to fuck off. I told my middle brother to go die. And the last person was my dying grandma who was a snob ass piece of shit who only gave a shit about me when i was a little girl ( because its only cute when they r kids  ), to stop trying to call me and told her to just go and die. She literally sent me a voice message of 5 minutes crying beggin me to see her, and i just told her to go and die, its not because she is dying that is gonna erase the fact that she didnt gave a shit about me after i actually grown. And the fact that i did this apparently scared the shit out my dad and brothes, specially because i did it so naturally. AND TO THIS DAY I DONT REGRET WHAT I SAID AND I STILL DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HER. OH AND PLOT TWIST SHES NOT DEAD NOR WAS SHE DYING, LAST YEAR SHE TRIED TO SCHEME MONEY OUT OF MY MOM, AND BEFORE THAT SHE WOULD ALWAYS TREAT MY MOM LIKE SHIT AN CALL HER NAMES, FUNNY ! Now they try to sneak into my life really AGAIN ... ffs Since the end of last year, apparently my brother turned into reiki and yoga and shit and is now driving a motivational fuck page for people who wanna “ grow spiritually and open the third eye “ and is trying to reconnect with me again, obviously i cut him off before he could even talk to me. So he spent 3 months or so , coming here and trying, and since he didnt get anything since january and february hes trying to manipulate me behind my mother, my mother is venting to my brother about me being closed off to them , and my brother is DIAGNOSING ME AS A PROBLEM, BECAUSE HE IS SO WISE AND ENLIGHTED... WTF??? diagnosing me??? ur not a fucking therapist you asshole ! The other day i heard him tell my mother in the living room , that “ SHE CANT LIVE LIKE THIS ITS VERY TOXIC FOR HER, SHE HAS TO TALK TO YOU AND BE A BETTER SISTER AND DAUGHTER SHE NEEDS TO BLAH BLAH YOU NEED TO KICK HER OUT IF SHE IS LIVING OFF YOU  “ WHAT THE FUCK?? im living off my mother?? the woman that forced me to give her more than half of my paycheck, thats doesnt give me privacy or respect and that literally threatned me if i ever tried to leave that she would chase me down???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OR SEND ME TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL????!!!! ... My older brother is doing the same, keeps trying to get me to go visit his kid, and to meet his kid, keeps trying to get my mother to see pictures of the kid or to call them. They keep trying to guilty me “ oh you cant take it out on the kid, its not the kids fault , he needs to know his aunt, you are his family “ BITCH FAMILY?????? FAMILY??? family doesnt mean shit. Yesterday even sent photos of his kid trought a new number LOL. I actually did went to the kids birthday, first time a few months ago, and guess what , my brother still the NO ONE ASKED- OPINIONATED asshole he was about my whole life, he literally takes one glimpse of me and judges my whole life and starts yelling shit at me ...ofc thats not gonna happend again. People dont change. People. dont. change. PEOPLE DONT CHANGE ! BITCH ?? WHAT? WHO THE FCK?? HOW THE FUCK??? In conclusion my brother is still the same piece of shit he was , and now even more narcisistic, and manipulative, he cant get what he wants from me , so now hes resourting to my mother again. I NEED TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE, I NEED TO LEAVE THIS FAMILY OMFG. Funny enough he does this shit then tries to get me to go to his house to celebrate his birthday because he “ MISSES ME AND THE OLD DAYS” ???? OLD DAYS OF YOU MENTALY ABUSING ME ? NOT TO MENTION THAT YOU ALMOST BROKE MY ARM BECAUSE I WOULDNT LEND YOU MY COMPUTER 3 YEARS AGO????? my mom literally told him we were gonna go there without even asking me if i wanted or even if i was gonna go. LOL, shes trying to emotionally manipulate me with older pictures of me and him , and games we would play together LOL. OMFG PLEASE SOME ONE, I DONT EVEN KNOW I NEED TO DIE OMFG... I CANT TAKE THIS FAMILY ANYMORE.

[merlinthoughts]

Season 1 Episode 4 - The Poisoned Chalice

- god fucking dammit here we go again, i'm bloody done with my life and do not, at all, want to see merlin die bc i don't remember anything except that, yeah, he dies and someone has to get off their ass and save the motherfucking day and kiss him

- i realise how much i swear in these posts bc 1. when do i not? 2. i'm emotionally invested 3. i have no other excuse i just like swearing

- AAAND NIMUEHS IN CAMELOT SHE THINKS SHE'S SO SLY WITH HER HEAD THING

- id recognise her in a split second tbfh, she aint subtle

- *heterosexual tension*

- merlins skin be looking so smooth this episode, this boy be wearing lots of Dove

- he looked so excited to be in the banquet, then arthur just fucking slashes him with “not quite” and his hopes and dreams are destroyed

- “wanna see what you’ll be wearing tonight?” arthur says as he's behind the fucking changing curtains, about to get undressed and show merlin his birthday suit

- i honest to god thought that was where he was going, but no, he was just getting something from behind it

- “tonight you’ll be wearing the official ceremonial robes of the servants of camelot” IT'S A FUCKING DRESS ISN'T IT

- aw damn id have preferred a dress

- that smile shared between them was the most adorable scene

- god

- i

- fucking

- love

- their

- smiles 

- sm

- best thing ive ever seen

- i mean… hunty look at that piece of glistening butter beauty

- wow ok back to the episode:

- bros being bros and giving each other a handshake to destroy the mortal enemy pack and put together a family, we stan.

- as if a servant who has only had eye sex with another servant ONCE would trust them enough to say that one of the chalices were poisoned. like??? “ur the only one i could tell” LMAO NO?

- she's a sly fucking dog tfbh

- “if he kills arthur, uthers soul will be broken and camelot will fall” at this rate uther prob wouldn't care if his son dies or not, look at him, he's already mentally broken. he has anxiety and paranoia over magic. child services where u at in the medieval ages?

- i wouldn't believe a word she said, or well, id have believed it was poisoned but id say yeah no damn way you aren't in on it if you know which one it is. bayard wouldn't tell a fucking servant.

- HE'S GONNA SNAP ISN'T HE

- MERLIN FUCKING SNAPPED

- yknow what we say here folks? U DO U MERLIN

- okay i was fine if uther made bayard drink it but like the moment uther said “mmmh… no.” and slowly turned to merlin i think my arteries just crunched together and died so

- “if it is poisoned, he’ll die” HE'S FUCKING SCARED MERLIN WILL PASS AWAY ISN'T HE?

- “it's fine” he says, then starts to fucking choke

- ah fuck he's down

- my boy is down

- FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A CHAINSAW

- ARTHUR CROUCHES NEXT TO HIM LIKE “BB NO”

- lmfao bayard looks so shocked, his face is in disbelief and confusion, he's like who tf done me bad

- arthurs carrying merlin fireman style this is what i live for folks

- did like nobody notice the flower stuck on the inside of the cup? like honestly if you take a sip you’d kinda spot it or perhaps even the person pouring the drinks would have been “is this chamomile tea? no? then what the fuckery-doo is this leaf in here for?” yknow. it's like that scene in Matilda when the angry buff lady completely missed a fucking salamander in her cup when it was the size of her bloody hand. it brings out the same mood honestly

- does gaius have an index for these books or does he just have every page memorised and know exactly what page to go bc I FUCKING NEED THAT it would make bio so much easier if i knew what page it was on instead of looking back and forth from the homework sheet to my textbook, then closing it by accident and having to find the index again for that specific page i need

- arthur wants to fucking go on a life-or-death journey to save merlin i've never been so happy

- this is honestly my favourite episode, like it may be really fucking angsty but i love it so much

- arthur betrays his dad and leaves his room even after being told not to just so he can save a servants life is literally my new moto

- NO IT WON'T LOAD MY NETFLIX IS STUCK ON 99%

- okay so while i'm waiting for my shit to load, i just discovered the new fucking tumblr rule starting dec 17 and i'm like 0.2 inches away from just spamming NSFW pics on here just for laughs

- like hunty, that won't stop people from posting elsewhere or for thinking about sex bc like??? whatchu gonna do tumblr?? get the fbi to erase it from our minds

- i think nOT thot

- watch me get flagged for just using the fucking term “NSFW”

- i'm gonna end up asterisking everything (is asterisking a word? wow it has red under it so like probably not but i just added it to my dictionary so uhh it is now)

- by asterisking i dont mean furry kin shit ew no

- i mean like N*FW, s*x, t*mblr, m*rthur

- god it took me like 20 minutes to calibrate my fucking wifi and fix the connection problem

- wow the stage for the poison increased by 75% in 30 mins, damn

- merlins like like having a conniption on his bed lmao, chanting arthurs name and sweating lot

- do we ever find out how uther gets that scar bc i'm like 100% positive arthur was a little child and swayed his fucking sword too hard just as uther rounded the corner. the sword then collided into his fucking brain and destroyed a good part of his intelligence, targeting especially his morals on how to accept people and how to be a good father

- that’s my theory

- merlin starts talking enchantments in his sleep while gwens watching, and gaius is just there like wtf merlin ur blowing ur cover “oh! gwen!! uhhh sorry. he’s just... in a latin study group in his pastime and has an oral presentation in minutes”

- omg, nimueh, stfu

- i didn't know dinosaurs existed back then, this reptile be whack

- y’know what's funny? ppl thinking dinosaurs didn’t exist. i find creationism very very very intriguing bc how fucking stupid could you be

- that sword throw was faker than my moms tits

- arthur could have done better

- k but like what if merlin’s hand wasn’t under the covers? like he was just throwing that blue ball around right in front of gwen

- can arthur like not hear her? nimuehs literally enchanting the rocks right behind his ear lobes and arthur acts nothing of it until those said rocks collapse and he gasps and suddenly he realises shes evil

- also his fucking hair in this scene looks glorious. perhaps bc it's pushed back rather than his bowl cut, but its doing things to my abdomen

- i thought for a second she was pulling off her mask to say “nimueh” and arthur was gasping bc he only recognised her after her hair was shown, just like in that scene with joker and harvey in the hospital

- OH RIGHT THE SPIDERS I LIKE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THOSE SONS OF A GUNS

- i’d be dead if those spiders came crawling up to eat me lmfao

- k so nimueh went from :) to >:D in half a second

- i'm smelling up those symbolisms, boys

- watch out pals cause here are some of them:

- merlin is the LIGHT of arthur’s life

- he LIGHTS up the party

- he gives arthur a BRIGHTER future

- he's the GUIDE for his path

- hahhahahaha

- i'm serious when i say i have a huge fear of insects (spiders count in that too, no discrimination) so i'm just putting that there, saying to yall id be fucking terrified

- gaius would be so confused, like we don't see his face here but merlins close-up sweaty concentrated frown, but he’s literally just screaming “ARTHUR!!” “FASTERRR!!” “YESS!!” “CLIMB!!!” gaius would be looking like he walked into something he wasn't supposed to. prob thinking he should just let the kid die so he doesn’t have to deal with this shit anymore

- UTHER LOCKED HIS SON AWAY I'M FUCKING QUESTIONING HIS PARENTING SKILLS

- that's grounding???? throwing ur child in prison???

- yes 999 can i have child services on his ass

- gwens so smart honestly i love her

- pretending to be a maiden for the food, god what a queen

- arthur buying it and saying “yuck you say this is food?! disgustang!”

- the fact that i misspelled disgusting but it autocorrected to disgustang (which is originally what i wanted but autocorrect shouldn’t have known) makes me consider if i should really check my dictionary…. who knows what words are on there

- they’re so smart

- and then this fucker ruins it all while eating his food, checking her out and saying yeah arthurs a prick, hyuck hyuck, realising only that wait fuck u aint the maiden

- how’d they know GWEN was the one not supposed to have delivered the food, what if it was that chick right there???

- welll….. maybe it's because gwen took her sweet time up those steps, staring as if she couldn’t blink at the guards below

- i forget what happens at the end of this episode besides the kiss, and there's like 9 minutes left my fingers may rot at this point

- wake him up! wake him up!

- OH WAIT HE DOESN'T FUCKING WAKE UP DOES HE AND EVERYONE PANICS

- YEAH OKAY I'M SEEING THAT NOW

- MERLIN STOPPED BREATHING

- LMAO GWEN IS IN TEARS

- “HE'S DEAD” SHE SAYS

- ARTHUR BB COME IN HERE TO KISS UR HUBBY ALIVE

- OH WAIT UR IN FUCKING PRISON

- WAIT UP, HE'S ALIVE AND SHE KISSES HIM AFTERWARDS????

- FUCK ME I THOUGHT FOR THE WHOLE EPISODE THE KISS HAPPENED BC HE COULDN'T WAKE UP THAT'S FUCKING WITH ME I DIDN'T KNOW

- i keep forgetting to switch up the cap locks, sorry if it seems im screaming im legit using my inside voice for most of the time just emphasizing my words a little more

- goddamn, everytime they say mercia i just think of “murica”, like those americans on the 7th of july or whatever date the “we love our country” day is, chanting it as they throw around beers and fireworks as people gather round in jerseys or crop tops

- it's not that hard to spot the european on here

- the most celebrated holiday here which contains a lot of beers and big pub gatherings (besides every fucking night honestly) is either new years, lowkey stereotypically correct saint patricks, and ig easter monday but that's more for the kiddos

- i mean ofc christmas and all that shit but im not the most devoted christian, i just like presents and small gatherings among good friends

- wow okay it wasn't the 7th of july

- i mean at first i looked up “USA day” (i couldn’t remember the name) and it popped up today’s date, and i was like no thats not it at all. dec?? its in like july i think. and i was close! it was july 4th.

- uther damn knows it's nimueh!!!

- i mean, he just overheard morgana and arthur talk about it, and initiated himself into a convo about it once morgana left, as his sneaky ass just slithered up like “hey man, u know that woman? yeah uhh, what she say? anything about me? no? k i know who it is tho”

- i thought he was going to apologize or like explain to arthur what's the sitch, but he just waits for five whole seconds before saying. “those who practice magic know only evil. they despise and seek to destroy goodness wherever they find it.”

- arthur, confused: sounds as if you know her

- uther, walking away: i do

- arthur:

- wow k lots of fucking quotes here cause it's the merthur reunion

- get ready babs

- arthur: still alive then?

- merlin: oh yes, just about… i understand i have you to thank for that

- arthur, leaning on the chair merlin is sitting in, stifling a smile: ah it's nothing, a half-decent servant is hard to come by. i was only dropping by to make sure you’re alright… i.... expect you to be back to work tomorrow

- merlin, watching arthur as he slightly walks away having embarrassed himself: arthur... thank you

- arthur, slowly: you too

- they stare for like 5 whole seconds

- arthur, uncomfortable: well… get some rest

- there we go folks: my eulogy.

- hope someone reads it at my funeral

[tsunderebird]

uh i’m just gonna like write some stuff out i’m feeling def tmi

tired of cooking

tired of cleaning

tired of feeling so tired in the evening

tired of the tireless life that i’m leading

tired of only feeling good when i’m sleeping

tired of peace but i’m tired of aggression

tired of nobody teaching motherfuckers a lesson

everytime i’m back in the same old same old

lost all of my drive and my inner fire stays cold

not a lot of good even when i give my best 

just a zero dollar payout on a thousand dollar bet

i’m not a fucking maid learn to clean up your own mess

you don’t get to treat my ass with disrespect

i am not your mother and i certainly don’t wanna be

it is not my job to slave away to this economy

i am not the answer to your ego masturbation nor should i allow you to take a shredder to my patience

what i wanna know is why you think that it’s fly to make other people slave away until they die

working whole lives and losing time back for money

cash don’t put sand back in the hourglass honey

catch me out in the forest busting logs with the skull visual

got my nazi stompers on pretend i’m strong enough to hit a dude

people spitting venom blocked by off brand beats

even on your skin though that shit gets into your meat

huffing second hand juul fuel from the fash hash vapers

i’m trying to elope alone not relate to old cis haters

cut the puppet strings and nasty things from which the earth hangs

turn the scissors around and clip them cleopatra terf bangs

snapped like the nose off a sandstone sphinx

trapped in my robe by a twenty three year jinx

when invaders mark your family tree and culturally devoid of anything

the sappy shit sticks when the heritage is hemmoraging

i don’t pretend to fit what maslow told me but i know i’d settle for a friend just to hold me

no i don’t think that it’s the cure to being lonely but it’s a damn sight better than the liberal baloney

another season gone i just add it to the pile i got minute sticks of kindling stacked by hours up a mile

matchstick “thwick” make a spark and watch the sparks fly

burning all your bridges ain’t a way to light the dark by

i got fifteen friends three of which are maybe paladins

the rest pass just clean enough for me to eat my salad with

i’m reinventing reinvention the wheel has been bespoke

yeti never rolling up except a blunt for him to smoke

what?

am i supposed to care

spent three years just to grow my hair

a split end dam to keep the rain and all the ghosts out

double dipping simple fixes when the problem is the host now

mask like a lock jawed fiend, smile real shiny but my teeth aint clean

depression’s a hell of a drug and anxiety’s a machine

stuck to the front of the bus while it careens

no i can’t tokyo drift

i barely slide by let alone to DMs

besides the jokes i might top

i got the drive to get by but my car’s in the shop

black paint scratch got the head lights busted

did i deserve this well fate says i must have

five months of punishment for five minutes of fun, now the black eyed peas didn’t pay my bills anyhow

sorry fergie

so what

things are worse and better batter up to bash the backwards anything

what’s a matter birdy find a marathon that aint worth finishing 

run anyway

the machine isn’t evil isn’t good it’s indifferent, too big to see the little ants are people isnt it

god’s whole job’s to crunch numbers

most of my hope is with my brother

what to do but find another

found fam holds fast but lasts like lost lovers

found what i felt may be fleeting

found once that feeling may be leaving

changes aren’t always but change is

how does a bird approach love when a wing to the sky doesn’t seem like it’s enough

brush up with the clouds when i catch a fresh zephyr

fall out of my self all depending on the weather

mother magic might just love me maybe my fault for playing the fast talker

passive case, under foot, not a leader but a stalker

peter piper picked a nonaggressive lonely voyeur

twisted arms and made her second hand to her employers

bow down now with your nose to the pavement

wonder every evening where the wonder and the days went

no i’m not an innovator no i’m not a rebel

i’m not a model citizen even if i’m not the devil

but i advocate a braver face and a stiff upper lip

smile too keen to ever clean off the shit

suck it up or stuff it lest your loss be for the brown nose

looking further for my feelings lost my nerve but i found those

i got crows on both shoulders, looking out while they’re looking older

never got the hang of things a sixth sense or a second guessing

at least i got a couple pals i truly count as blessings

like two face blind spirits in a gator skin trench coat

skinwalker’s worst nightmare and a magician’s best friend yo

pastel patchwork like a pink string puppet

dance around my heartstrings like she dances round a subject

read cards like a catalogue, pick a pair to ask reality

just assertive enough not to trust not enough to have a personality

bear emotional pollution like a literal cross

shoulder pain panging but my brain is at a loss

i’m under sand under water under the boat under the weather

no sight of the horizon i’ll tell you if it gets better

(that’s a red flag)

down with the kelp and fishes, slam dunk sump and i swish and spit it

don’t know if i’ll ever surface up just to sip the bilgewater

don’t know if i’ll ever get to be another person’s good daughter

but why bother to please the poison when they’re just another box for you to put your toys in

callous cavalry collides the second son’s a second coming thriving off the putrid plumes that sent the first one running

oh but she’s back. cruise ship shit and a panic attack. no she don’t work no she don’t pay bills but titty skittle kid here still pops the pills

lost any sense of true relaxation when a white twenty something needs a vacay from her vacation 

vampire pale from a five month sick day 

yes i’m feeling drained no i won’t be picking new prey

nitrous in the pressure cooker, black sludge in the stew pot

emotions somewhere in my stomach man she isn’t looking too hot

featherweight fighter fitness fits her the least

winging went poorly what she needs is teeth

[simplyolivers]

( ooc: so i literally put the every single one of the lyrics under the cut so if you’re trying to read this i’m so sorry also i’m too lazy to make a cover soooooo p.s. greg is what neptune call his fans k bye ) today neptune bentley, known as his youtube rap alias of ‘young face’, in a comedy ep called, [ title of album ]

i. spooky boy: ( based on neptune’s love of halloween & slightly dedicated to @elvvce & @ofcmargos‘s show ) boo bitch, you just got spooked (ayy) by a certified spooky ass dude (ayy) somebody let the monster loose in a graveyard sippin’ pumpkin juice wait (shh) do you hear that sound? every october it’s so profound all these other dudes act spooky for a month but a real spooky boy spooky all year ‘round plastic fangs on my teeth, sleeping in a coffin step up to all my cribs and all these decorations poppin’ i might go ooga booga booga boo i might just spook you and your homies too i’m just so spooky and greg is my crew (yeah) ayy, i’m a spooky boy ayy, with some spooky hands ayy, come up in your house and do a little spooky dance ayy, i’m a spooky boy, with a spooky face ayy it don’t matter i’ll spook at any time or place chillin’ with a skeleton, bitch, and a pumpkin on my head if you try to spook me you gon’ end up dead if you spook me again you gon’ end up undead (uh) that’s the life of the spooky boy better watch out if you see a full moon bitch yeah, i’ve been spooky like a mummy in a tomb bitch i don’t have a car because i fly on a broomstick pull up to the club, skrrt skrrt vroom vroom witch go to girls and they hella hella thin how thin are they? are they motherfucking skeletons?  that is not a joke about their weight, they are skeletons  Halloween music got us jigglin' like gelatin got a couch covered in cobwebs (cobwebs) got a whip covered in cobwebs (cobwebs) got a dog covered in cobwebs (cobwebs) spent way too much on cobwebs (ayy)  fake spooky dudes suck like Dracula i don’t give a damn if you a goblin you can back it up ghouls get crazy while i blow this cash, if you tryna monster smash ayy, I'm a spooky boy ayy, with some spooky knees ayy, I could teach you how to spook too for a spooky fee ayy, I'm a spooky boy ayy, with some spooky shoes ayy, and before this song is over you'll be spooky too  chillin’ with a skeleton, bitch, and a pumpkin on my head if you try to spook me you gon’ end up dead if you spook me again you gon’ end up undead (uh) that’s the life of the spooky boy

ii. beef with me: ( songs about people who start fake drama on yt for views ) ay, scrolling all day like I do (like I do) trying to see what's popping on the tube (youtube, ay) checking up on logan paul, too you know I'm not a maverick, that's true wait, what is this? jake paul, diss track logan paul, diss track ricegum, diss track all getting millions of views at first I'm like "what the fuck's up with these dudes?" 'till I saw they were getting views like cheap receipts I know that I'm an all around really nice guy but why nobody want to beef with me? I see this other guys roasting each other and raking in views the channels are flourishing so if you think I'd get mad if you roasted me I can endure it, man, I would encourage it, honestly all I want is them views original content's old news that shit makes me snooze start beef with me, you can't lose, ay  someone come beef with me someone come beef with me somebody who has a whole lot of subscribers please come and beef with me, uh someone come beef with me someone come beef with me my ego is fragile and you will destroy me if you come and beef with me I can send you a list of things I'm self-conscious about anything is fair game except for my feet ay, I could roast your vids, yeah you could roast my clothes, ay I could roast your diss track you could roast my nose you could write a whole song 'bout what I look like starting beef for views the oldest trick in the book, like trick is older than the sphynx come and roast me 'cause my content stinks I want a lot of views on YouTube I'm gonna need a long beef like sausage links I can pretend that you kidnapped my dog you can pretend that I beat up your mom we can pretend the police got involved we gon' be dropping this drama like bombs, ay  someone come beef with me someone come beef with me somebody who has a whole lot of subscribers please come and beef with me, uh someone come beef with me someone come beef with me my ego is fragile and you will destroy me if you come and beef with me  

iii. hop out the whip ( songs about people who ‘flex’ on yt ) skrtt! yeah, Tesla, Benz what do y'all know about hopping out of $300,000 cars?  hop out the whip hop back in (yeah) hop out the whip (ooh!) that's my shit (yeah!)  talk about look at the look in your eyes when I hop out of the Porsche hop out the Benz, hop out the Beamer, bitch I ain't got open the doors and I got a bad lil mama (lil mama!) she wanna go for a ride jokes on her, I'm only fourteen years old I do not know how to drive we just be sittin' in the car we just be sittin' in the whip I might hop right out right before I hop back in I've been working on my squats I've been working on my sprints I got a tramp in the garage, I bought brand new kicks so I can  hop out the whip hop back in (hop back in!) hop out the whip (hop out the whip!) that's my shit (yeah!) hop out the whip (hop out the whip y'all!) hop back in hop out the whip (hop out the whip!) ooh, that's my shit  this whippin' is serious (serious) it ain't even funny (nah) these bitches be buggin' (buggin', buggin', buggin', buggin') I just stay hopping like bunnies covered in carrots, what's up doc, can you look at my hip? I didn't take care of myself, I think I dislocated it when I hopped in the whip doin' tricks in the whip, 360 degrees in a flip going up to the highdive and diving this shit going up in a plane and skydiving in this and when I land we're highfiving I bet it did have a roof but it doesn't no more I put it away like I'm doing some chores now I can hop in and out of the whip 'til I figure out how to open the doors  hop out the whip (hop out the whip) hop back in (hop back in) hop out the whip (hop out the whip!) that's my shit, yeah hop out the whip (Hop out the whip!) hop back in (yeah, hop back in) hop out the whip (yeah, yeah) ooh, that's my shit (yuh!) can someone please tell me how to open the goddamn doors to this car game's over for y'all when I get my license, learn how to drive

iv. greg ( mostly for his fans but also for tom holland ) greg is the number one fanbase we livin' life in the fast lane we just hit 21 mil (ooh) time to pop open the champagne if you ain't Greg, that's lame greg is a beast that you can't tame greg takin' over the rap game greg is logan paul's dad's name  greg takin' off but these other dudes stalling greg full sprint but these other dudes crawling greg is hot on the court, we balling greg is hot on the web, Tom Holland number one Spiderman, hands down bitch talk about casting, such a great fit andrew Garfield still ain't shit toby maguire, you are not lit greg is a family, don't forget I would do anything for my gregs strongest army on the net fastest growing, please don't check greg is destroying, man, Greg is a winner greg is just eatin' up YouTube for dinner tom holland please, dm me on Twitter greg is a savage, man, greg is a killer haters are riding the wave (yeah) hoping that Greg will fall off (ooh) they say I got a young face (aye) just like Tom Holland, he's hot (uh) have you even seen his abs? (uh) I bet his skin is so soft (uh) greg is the realest on earth just in case all y'all forgot  I am truly greg, greg is all I need I don't fuck with craigs, they can kiss my knees we are a movement, you cannot divide us i'm Mr. Worldwide pitbull come and fight us 

v. spooky guy ( another song based on @elvvce & @ofcmargos‘s show? looks like it ) boo bitch, spooky boy's back ay, with the brand new spooky boy track waited all year for a chance to attack aside from orange I’m wearing all black not a treat but I got some tricks not a gang member but i live in crypts bright orbs in the background to all my pics you can call me drake 'cause I'm from that 6(66) (yuh) if you see me you better run outside, yeah you could be jekyll but you still couldn’t hyde, yeah spook ya then i'll eat some pumpkin pie and apple cida' hannibal lecter how i eat the track alive, yeah I'm a spooky guy I will never stop spookin' 'till the day I die I waited all year just so y'all would wanna see me now all these fake spooky guys wanna be me I ain't sippin’ lean, nah and I ain’t poppin' xans, yuh only poppin’ I do is to spook you and your friends, yuh poppin' out the casket then I do my spooky dance, yuh I do it for the spook, give a fuck if it offends ya  make spooky boys do the most, ay new whip looking like a ghost, ay new boo looking like a ghost, yuh cause she died three years ago, ohh that shit was really sad (yeahhh) and it was all over the news (spooked to death) and the only way I had to cope was a whole lotta booze (boo! boo!) spook you into a coma then I'll spook your ass out my spooking is advanced y'all still tryna learn how I can teach you how to spook for the right amount I’m dracula these witches going down for the count  'cause I'm a spooky dude and I will spook you every day, even if it's rude I waited all year just so y'all would wanna see me now all these fake spooky guys wanna be me I ain't sippin' lean, nah and I ain't poppin' xans, yuh only poppin' I do is to spook you and your friends, yuh poppin' out the casket then I do my spooky dance, yuh I do it for the spook, give a fuck if it offends ya 

[juanandonly0427-blog]

My favorite lyrics from New School Rap Artists.

So I run a radio show at my college with one a co-host named C-Bo called “Chillin with C-Bo”. I started out as a guest on the show, but I soon became something more. Now C-Bo is leaving the country for a while, so it’s up to me to run the show.

If you ever wanna listen, I’m on from 11:30 AM- 2:30 Pm EST, on Tuesdays. I’ll provide a link to the online site below.

But enough self promotion! 

One thing I promised C-Bo was that I would stick to his style of music for the show to maintain consistency, as well as sprinkle a little bit of my own flavor. 

The problem, however, was I wasn’t into the type of music C-Bo was into; New School Rap. I have been hesitant to dive into this genre because I was afraid that it would ruin the flavor of rap and hip hop I had acquired from before 2010 (you know, your basic nostalgia).

But As I began to really listen to artists like Chance the Rapper, Logic, Childish Gambino, and Kendrick Lamar, I fell in love. But not with the beat, or the tempo, or even the voices/flow of the artists. I fell in love with the lyrics. What I love most about rap and hip-hop is that it gives artists a chance to formulate great lyrical content. Other genres of music have become so cheesy and typical with the words, that it gets to the point where they all sound the same.

But in rap, each song is so different.

Nas wrote a song from the point of view of a gun.

Eminem wrote a song about a crazed fan that lost his mind trying to get his attention.

NWA created songs that helped bring a spark into the souls of Compton residents, making them feel like they aren’t all the criminals and gang-bangers everyone sees them as.

Hell, Mackelmore wrote a song about how to shop at a thrift shop!

Today’s modern day rap has taken a bit of a blow in terms of lyrical content, however.

With so many songs about money, drinking, smoking, making money, cursing out the police, and gang banging,  along with the rise of Mumble rap and songs that are just repeating the same 3 lines over and over to a loud beat, it’s hard to find good, thought provoking lyrics in today’s rap.

Luckily, I found a few.

If you wanna know what songs these lyrics came from, they’ll be in Parenthesis at the end of each one. 

So here are some of my favorite lyrics from some of today’s New School Rap Artists;

Kendrick Lamar

“I can dig rapping... but a rapper with a ghost writer; what the fuck happened? (Oh no!) I swore I wouldn't tell! But most of you share bars like you got the bottom bunk in a two man cell! (A two man cell?) Something's in the water.(Something's in the water) And if I got a brown nose for some gold, then I'd rather be a bum than a motherfuckin' baller!” (King Kunta)

“I'm so fucking sick and tired of the Photoshop. Show me something natural like afro on Richard Pryor. Show me something natural like ass with some stretch marks.” (HUMBLE)

“I know murder, conviction, burners, boosters, burglars, ballers, dead, redemption, scholars, fathers dead with kids,  and I wish I was fed forgiveness Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, soldier's DNA.” (DNA)

“I done been through a whole lot; trials and tribulations, but I know God! Satan wanna put me in a bow-tie, praying that the holy water don't go dry, yeah yeah! As I look around me, so many motherfuckers wanna down me! But enemigo never drown! In front of a dirty double-mirror, they found me. And, I love myself!” (i)

“If I told you that a flower bloomed in a dark room, would you trust it?” (Poetic Justice ft. Drake)

“Everybody gon' respect the shooter, but the one in front of the gun lives forever” (Money Trees)

“Seen a light-skinned n***a with his brains blown out. At the same burger stand, where *censored* hang out. Now this is not a tape recorder saying that he did it. But ever since that day, I was looking at him different. That was back when I was nine. Joey packed the nine. Pack to stand on every porch is fine. We adapt to crime...” (m.A.A.d. city)

“’Okay... Now open your mind up and listen to me, Kendrick! I'm in your conscience, if you do not hear me, then you will be history, Kendrick! I know that you're nauseous right now, and I'm hopin' to lead you to victory, Kendrick!’ If I take another one down, I'm a drown in some poison abusin' my limit” (Swimming Pools [Drank])

Logic

“Not perceived by the things I believe or the color of my skin, or the fact I'm attracted to her, maybe him, or the fact I'm a single mother living all alone, looking for a man and a home to call my own. But I already have one; the only man I'ma ever need is my son, my son, my son, my son, son, say!” (Black SpiderMan)

“All this other shit I'm talkin' 'bout they think they know it. I've been praying for somebody to save me, no one's heroic. And my life don't even matter. I know it I know it, I know I'm hurting deep down but can't show it. I never had a place to call my own, I never had a home. Ain't nobody callin' my phone. Where you been? Where you at? What's on your mind? They say every life precious, but nobody care about mine.” (1-800-273-8255)

“Everybody gonna die, gonna go one day, maybe it'll happen on a Monday. Drop into work and get hit by a Hyundai, fuck it, let it all go one day” (Fade Away)

“Man, I never knew livin' out a dream meant livin' out a suitcase! I've been working at a new pace! So much money on the road, I ain't even had a minute, not a single second chilling in my new place! Motherfuckers getting two-faced! ‘Cause a brother finally eating, not to mention everybody gettin' two plates!” (Run it)

“Masta deep down inside of me, the plantation deep down inside of me. Everybody fuck like sodomy, because one or the other what it gotta be. Tell me, why my momma gotta lie to me, unity for everyone that lied to me. Peace on earth, what I try to be; I just wanna spread the message of equality” (Take It Back)

“I been knockin doors down like a Jehovah witness, God as my witness, I'm with this, but on the real I think I need another witness!” (Everybody)

Drake

“You know the truth, this not pretend, I'm not your friend, not your guy, I'm not your buddy, show no lovin', and I might go DeMarcus Cousins; out in public!” (6 Man)

“Please, check 'em for a wire or earpiece. Please, please do not let these n***as near me. Please, think before you come for the great one. Please, who's a real n***a and who ain't one? Please.” (Back to Back)

“Oh, Lord! Who else sounded like this? They ain't make me what I am, they just found me like this, I was ready. Fuck that, I've been ready, since my dad used to tell me he was comin' to the house to get me. He ain't show. Valuable lesson, man, I had to grow up! That's why I never ask for help; I'll do it for you n***as and do it for myself!” (0-100/The Catch Up)

“I done kept it real from the jump. Living at my mama's house we'd argue every mornin' n***a, I was trying to get it on my own; working all night, traffic on the way home, and my uncle calling me like, ‘Where ya at?’ I gave you the keys told ya bring it right back, N***a.” (Started from the Bottom)

Chance the Rapper

“Man my daughter couldn't have a better mother. If she ever find another, he better love her! Man I swear my life is perfect, I could merch it! If I die I'll prolly cry at my own service...” (All We Got)

“JJ, Mikey, Lil Derek and them, 79th street was America then. Ice cream truck and the beauty supply, blockbuster movies and Harold's again. We still catching lightening bugs when the plague hit the backyard. Had to come in at dark cause the big shawty's act hard.” (Summer Friends)

“Jesus black life ain't matter, I know I talked to his daddy, said you the man of the house now, look out for your family.” (Blessings)

“Damn man, I don't even need a radio, and my new shit sound like a rodeo Got the old folks dancing the Do-si-do, so they fuck around, sign me to OVO. Oh, I just might share my next one with Keef, got the industry in disbelief, they be asking for beef!” (Angels)

“Way back then when everything we read was real, and everything we said rhymed. Wide eyed kids being kids. When did you stop? What did you do to your hair? Where did you go to end up right back here? When did you start to forget how to fly?” (Same Drugs)

“Hope there never come a day where we be better as friends. We in a marathon we could build a marriage on. Arguments as parents digging deeper than a baritone. I've been getting blocked just trying to make songs with friends, labels told me to my face that they own my friends.” (Finish Line/Drown)

Childish Gambino

“I got more tail than that PetCo, you faker than some Sweet'N Low. Yeah, you got some silverware, but really are you eating though? Are you eating though? N***a, are you eating though? Breakfast, lunch and dinner's for beginners, you ain't even know.” (IV. Sweatpants)

“All I do is make the stuff I would've liked, reference things I wanna watch, reference girls I wanna bite, now I'm firefly like a burning kite. And you's a fake fuck like a fleshlight” (Fire Fly)

“Can we hear the N-word one day and not get upset? Can we try something new and not be suspect?” (You See Me)

“My shit be Jackson, Jordan, Bolton, Keaton, Tyson: 5 Mikes. Donald Glover, no relation, always workin', no vacation. They couldn't feel me, no vacation. Murder versus the only motive was motivation...” (Bonfire)

“Got no patience, cause I'm not a doctor. Girl why is you lying, girl why you Mufasa? Yeah, mi casa su casa, gotta strip it like Gaza. Got so high off volcanoes, now the flow is so lava.” (3005)

So, that’s my list. I might have left out some better verses by theses artists, as well as some better artists. That’s mainly cuz these are the only new school rappers i’ve been hearing as of late. If you got any suggestions of artists/songs, please lmk!!! Thanks for reading!!!

[nattjeger-a-blog]

for you, mother

Life began with waking up and loving my mother's face.

The moment I opened my eyes you didn’t dare to touch me not even breast.feed me, you demanded the staff to put me in an incubator and be under nurse’s care because you refused to do anything with me, even when I was small, weak and vulnerable. That meant nothing to your sore and cold heart.

The best place to cry is on a mother's arms.

I cried the loudest I could, but you pretended you didn’t hear me. My cries for help. for love I never got, meant nothing to you. Whenever I cried when I was hurt you hurt me more and told me to shut the fuck up anf that I was annoying. Whenever I cried I never got a hug in your arms, your arms instead, slapped me, strangled me, drowned me, bruised me, cut me, hurt me until I was too numb to speak or cry at all.

Who's a boy gonna talk to if not his mother?

Whenever I dared to talk to you, you shut and striked me down. Telling me my voice and attitude is annoying. And if I spoke more you’d mistake it for ‘talking back’ to you and would get angered and yell at me and If I was unfortunate enough, your hands would’ve find itself tightly around my neck with your manicured nails digging into my flesh. You really couldn’t stand my voice so you always attempted to shut it forever.

A mother is the one who fills your heart in the first place.

Yes, with hatred and emptiness. With cold, ice shards that penetrate my chest whenever I think of you and all the things you did to me.

A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dates all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.

I was in your path. You hated me even when I wasn’t born yet. You did everything you could to crush me down for your selfish needs. I wonder why you didn’t get rid of me the first place to save your and my ass forever? You’d kick me until I bled inside-out and couldn’t stand up anymore, you’d yell and insult me until I cried and hurt me more, you punished me by restricting food from me and whenever tried to eat because I was starving you’d strike me even morefor wasting food and it turned into anorex.ia, you’d punish me in all sorts of horrible ways that nobody I told believed me, because a mother isn’t capable of doing such horrible things. When I ended up in prison, you never bothered to show up or send me any commisary. I felt lonely because I had nobody to talk to or phone when i needed it the most, and everyone there hated me and mad eme into their prison bitch and I had to survive on a weekly ration of food I’d barely manage to get there. You lied to me it was all from love and and a parental thing, and I believed you for the longest time, I wasn’t only starved for food you never fed me, I was starved and desperate for YOUR, mother’s love, and I wanted any form of it until I realized I was a fucking idiot.

I hope I never cross your path again, I hope you burn in hell and have the worst things happen to you. If it doesn’t I will gladly make them all happen to you myself for all the shit you did to me and pain you put me through, and make my life on a minimal basis hard for me without wanting to die.

Happy motherfucking Mother’s Day and I hope you die.--

---

Eirik stared at the text he just wrote, he stared at it for a long time until he painted everything blue and with a single push on DEL made it all disappear. He held his head as it started to feel all fuzzy and out of place. He held his stomach who started to growl and churn from sickness at the same time and his head was killing him.

This topic was so hard to speak about without getting physically sick from it, without shaking violently and getting flashbacks of his abuse. People tell him it’s ok to speak up, but whenever he did, his tongue would turn into clay and find himself unable to speak and find the nearest bathroom to throw up into....

He hugged up his boney knees, his only friends he had and comforted him since he was little and always had, and hid his weeping face into them.