#pre-kfp3

[dracocheesecake]

Kai's Hair Routine

A drabble inspired by @skauni

Kai let the water pour over his head. Usually, he didn't bother with this-bathing, even at the end of a campaign, felt lavish on the edge of frivolity- but there had been a comment made by a certain someone that he couldn't let slide.

He took out a bottle of the rice water he had made (rice water! During the war, like he was some sort of noble in the Emperor's court!). It was poor stuff, really, having been fermented only a day, with water from nearby streams and rice from his own provisions- of which there was plenty. All that the soldiers ate most days was just rice.

Kai gritted his teeth as he poured some of it over his head, and smoothed it into his mane. It felt somewhat sticky, and he wasn't certain that this would even work- but if it knocked that smug look off of that lip-smacking wannabe buddha's face-

He grumbled and combed his hair out with his fingers (as best as he could- it was thick, and heavily tangled). This was a long process, but by the end he felt he had done something right. He rinsed himself off, dried as quick as he could, put his hanfu back on, and reentered the yurt he shared with his co-general.

Oogway was reading a report, but looked up when Kai's form blocked his light. Kai smirked down at him, his hands on his hips. His mane, freshly dried, hung over his shoulders in shining, black tresses that curled slightly at the ends.

"See?" He said, "I do know how to wash it."

Oogway chuckled. "Yet you still haven't learned to brush it."

Kai's eyes widened. He grit his teeth, flushing to his ears. "I did too!" He snapped, "It's just-"

His jaws shut again. Then he crossed his arms and turned his face away. For all the fearsome titles he had acquired, at that moment he looked like a pouty toddler. Oogway laughed again, but there was a more gentle lilt to it that made Kai soften.

"I know. Come here and we'll see if it can be amended. Maybe you'll end up looking like we can present you at the next treatise signing."

Kai's ears flickered back. He grit his teeth again. "I didn't look that bad," he grumbled. But he still sat down on a mat in front of him, his back turned towards the tortoise so he could work. Oogway picked up a nearby lacquered box, green and gold, and opened it. Inside was a selection of shubi- combs of different fineness.

From amongst these he plucked the largest, a thick-toothed shu of polished jade. He hummed again, then took up a section of Kai's mane, brushing it.

"You were still covered in blood," Oogway noted colloquially, "and mud, and who knows what else. And your mane caught fire after you passed the torches and stayed lit, probably because of all of the grease in it."

"It. Wasn't. That. Bad," Kai insisted. He crossed his arms again, huffing and grumbling under his breath. Oogway rolled his eyes, but dropped it for now. After a moment he continued humming.

"It was thoughtful of Lord Boqin to send you these combs," he said as he worked, rooting out each tangle- and there were plenty of them. Kai snorted.

"And those calligraphed scriptures for you. But if the terms we lay down tonight go over- they will, he doesn't have a choice- he'll be sending assassins next."

Oogway separated the layers and pinned them back with a few fine-toothed bi. "Oh, undoubtedly. But at this point, that just comes with being a warlord. Have to get them first."

He paused after he said this. There was something in his mind that seemed to ring every time he thought like this, every time this subject came up, something that had been bothering him more and more throughout their bloody career; something he would never bring up in front of Kai, of course...But sometimes he wondered: did it have to be this way? Why? Where would it all lead?

Was there another path they could follow, one not so full of bloodshed and treachery, one that would lead them to a life of peace and fulfillment that the glories of war could not provide?

He had been so caught up in these thoughts that he didn't pay mind to his brushing- not until Kai cried out. Oogway blinked out of his reverie, the worry dissipating like a cloud in the wind. He smirked.

"You didn't so much as groan when you got stabbed by a spear," he said, "but you cry when someone tugs on your hair."

"I'M NOT CRYING! YOU'RE TRYING TO PULL MY SCALP OFF, YOU FU-"

Oogway pulled the comb, pulling the mane taut, and Kai's head followed. He winced. Oogway chuckled and eased up some. With more gentleness this time around, he ran his claws through the knots, untangling them. A few more moments, and he began to remove the rest of the combs, finishing by tying Kai's mane partially up in a top bun.

"There. Now you look like one of the Supreme Warlords of All of China," Oogway teased lightly. Kai snorted and rose.

"As long as it doesn't catch fire again," he murmured.

"Well, that depends on how often you wash your hair." He seemed to think for a moment. "...You know, actually- don't wash your hair anymore."

Kai looked at him, tilting his head. "What? Why?"

"I was thinking that maybe we could start gathering the grease from your hair. We might be able to save on lantern oil- don't hit me!" He dodged Kai's blow, giggling.

[infini-tree]

soothsayer and or tigress for the hc meme?

send a character’s name to receive four different headcanons

its been so long i miss u............ soothsayer

headcanon a: realistic

extremely desensitized to gore/gross stuff in general as a result of her medical experience. hell, she’s described as someone with a morbid sense of humor so she has definitely unnerved several of her patients with that

one notable patient who is in that ‘not unnerved’ category, however, is shen. her morbid humor means that she isn’t interacting with him with velvet gloves like everyone else, which he appreciates on some level. not that he would ever admit it

headcanon b: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

knew qi manipulation the entire time-- or at least a smaller/different version of it, where she usually uses her acupuncture needles as a medium. between her healing skills and precognition she only ever uses it for minor healing

listen if a noodle chef can figure it out in a week, so can she. yes im still kind of salty about this.

headcanon c: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

after shen’s exile and especially after his parents’ death, there was a period of time where there were rumors of foul play. the rumors had different versions but most of the common elements usually involve her usurping the city or using the master’s council as puppet rulers since they aren’t ‘qualified’ to rule

headcanon d: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

in my own personal post-kfp3 canon, the soothsayer meets up with some of the pandas from the hidden village-- specifically those that evacuated from the gongmen settlement. 

she finally gets some closure on the matter. and so do the gongmen pandas; some of them make it to the abandoned village and can properly pay respects to where they died. (as an aside, i imagine that gongmen set out to lay rest to as much of the deceased they could recognize from an official census as possible; it’s the least shen’s parents could do-- or at least, order others to do so)

some of the pandas even stay in gongmen (probably those who were too young to really remember the trauma of the massacre or were originally born and raised and a little restless in the mountain panda village) 

soothsayer catches up w/ grandma panda and they fall back in love with each other. mei mei becomes the next court soothsayer (as a callback to how she was a matchmaker in the concept art book). nu hai (who i think is just lei lei but older) and bao have TWO grandmas now. she can now retire in peace, and goes between gongmen and the mountain panda village and spoils the twins

-----

tigress

headcanon a: realistic

being surrounded by servants and two older masters on the regular, tigess was extremely formal with the rest of the five in the early days. she doesn’t really know how to interact with anyone in a casual manner let alone anyone her age

headcanon b: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

tigress’ only frame of reference regarding swear words pre-furious five was oogway whenever he slips up. meaning that there are times when she swears and it basically sounds like the equivalent of using shakespearean innuendos and turn of phrases in casual conversation

headcanon c: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

sure, the people know her as their protector, but it must feel weird walking around and in buildings that, on average, were made for people half her size. sure, she doesn’t have as much trouble as po would have, but man it sucks seeing the local populace of-- typically-- prey animals instinctively get nervous around her, especially whenever they’re in a much cramped quarters

(on the bright side, tigress 🤝 po 🤝 crane; having trouble navigating the inside of houses that were clearly not made for their species heights in mind)

headcanon d: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

with po as the grandmaster of all china, tigress eventually takes up the mantle as the grandmaster of the jade palace. she focuses her attention on the orphanages in the area, making sure to give them exuberant donations so they can have state-of-the-art facilities and are able to help these children to the best of their abilities. she visits them often and gives lessons and demonstrations, as well as help out with the so-called problem children

[bukesiyicrew]

you know the fact that po and oogway are the ones who get roleswapped in this au is unintentionally brilliant bc a) it relates po to oogway directly as a successor (or rather the other way around) months in a pre-kfp3 time and b) tortoises sometimes are depicted w dragon-like features (as dragon turtles)

[infini-tree]

writing oogway pre-kfp3: yeah he probably has stress about being leader of the most respected art form in china but like. hes chill

writing oogway post-kfp3: This Tortoise Has Compartmentalized 500 Years' Worth Of Problems, how is he chill

[infini-tree]

Gosh you're right I shouldn't have made it so broad. Anyway top 5 comedy moments in kung fu panda :D so you can do another category!!

Wait I can’t see the ask and idk if it just said kung fu panda but I meant all three movies lol

ask me unconventional/random “TOP 3/5/10″ end beginning “i’ve put this off for so long that it’s the end again” of the year lists!

ok now this is difficult since. it fluctuates, so im putting this at no particular order

honorable mentions

that bit where shifu just. airbends? the candles off after oogway was taking so long to individually blow them out. very good way to introduce their dynamic, esp shifu’s character of being the the “least zen zen master” lmao

“i hope this plan is better than the one where you tried to cook rice by eating it raw and drinking boiling water”. like. po. my dude. why would you do this to yourself

the bit where kai fakes po out by pretending that the wuxi finger hold is killing him. as much as i rag on kfp3, that did make me Laugh

ok i know this isn’t in the movies, but that bit in secrets of the masters where oogway is just like “it’s so nice you’ve managed to use the most respected art form in china to pursue nothing but fame”. like damn, oogway can be SALTY when he wants to and the delivery kills me every time

ok now we’re doing this for real. this is definitely less wordy than the “top 5 action scenes of kfp” list i did, bc i feel like these speak for themselves. again this is in no particular order

soothsayer and shen’s interactions in the tower. this feels like a routine for them at this point, and even if the soothsayer is in a high tension situation she KNOWS that shen’s army can’t do anything against her. also “being right makes me right” is a Good Line

po: don’t worry we’ll free you from these bars of injustice!tigress: punches the iron bars openpo: oh great you found the keys!

the. dragon costume pac man sequence? idk if that counts as funney, but it sure as heck makes my heart do a dance

“panda, we do not wash our pits in the pool of sacred tears.”

oogway and kai’s whole pre battle banter at the start of kfp3. kai REALLY is a dramatic son of a binch and  NO ONE wants to play with him in that space. also oogway’s little “took you long enough! haha!” is just. so out of left field in a pre-knowing about his warlord past world that it’s the audiovisual equivalent of being sprayed in the face by a flower on a clown’s lapel