#ppl experienced unimaginable things

[shattered-pieces]

The worst an authoritarian government does is also the most hidden. Terror of what the regime can do to you, and the lengths it will go to (no torture is too horrific) when you go against it, is also the foundation of the regime.

and this is why it must be fought.

its evils brought to light in order to show its true nature, so more people will fight it.

there is no reason a dictator deserves to stay in power. no death or pain of one human being is worth one more day of his rule.

[koremakaria]

Pain is My New Middle Name

Info up to EP 20

And so we are in the separation / angsty era of The Story of Pearl Girl. Everyone is in pain, some more so than others. The ppl experiencing the most pain are probably the audience members rooting for our OTP. To add chaos to the mix, there's also a big misunderstanding between Duan Wu and Yan Zijing.

And there's a big thunderstorm because such scenes always happen when it rains. Always. Without fail.

Misunderstanding trope is one of my fav! I love the angstiness of it and I love how in misunderstanding trope we get to see the motivations and foundations of our characters. I know that some people absolutely dislike this trope because they just want FL and ML to just talk to each other. But if they did that then we wouldn't have a story to tell ... so ... yeah ... Also, with this trope we get to see how characters behave when they believe their loved ones had committed a heinous act/or had wronged them somehow. And I just love it okay!??

DW thinks that YZJ orchestrated the caravan's attack. It might not be super clear to her why he would do such a thing but she saw with her own eyes that his guards were slaughtering people. Now she's giving him the opportunity to clear his name. She told him "You tried to kill me" and YZJ chose to say nothing.

This is probably the lowest point for DW ... she lost everything and everyone. Yes, the pearl farm enslavement era was rough but at least the suffering was done by her enemies. This time around, her brother and the crew died at the hands of the one she trusted the most. The pain must be unimaginable. YZJ said nothing in his own defense and so there was nothing to point the blame away. If he didn't do it then surely YZJ would discuss revenge, plan something ... anything ... but instead he's conducting business as usual and so what was DW supposed to think? Yes ... the jury finds the defendant ... GUILTY!

I love this scene! DW failed to knife YZJ but fear not for he willingly grab the blade as he disarmed DW. It was soooo unnecessary but serves as a symbolism of his pain and penance. He blamed himself for the crew's deaths but he wouldn't say it to her. He wants DW to believe that he was the bad guy so that she'd stay away from him. This way she wouldn't get tangled up with his mess of a revenge. It was his way of protecting her. [The "Being Cruel to be Kind" trope is another fav of mine so I'm feasting baby!] This is a visual depiction of YZJ hurting himself by hurting DW.

Exhibit One: ML crying beautifully in the rain while his hand bleeds copious amount of blood. YZJ knows that DW would stick to him like glue if she knew the truth. But being with him will bring danger to her and so he chose to push her away to keep her safe.

It should be noted that even when he pushes DW away, he gave up his umbrella so that she wouldn't have to walk in the rain after he departed. Such sentimentality!

Duan Wu's Decision: DW being DW ... she's won't just give up just because a former beau is telling her to get lost! No Sir! She's going to open her shop in the city. She's not going anywhere! Even without YZJ support and guidance, she's determined to make her own way in life. Which will bring all the angsts to the table .... I'm so happy for me!!!

YZJ's Decision: He believes that he's dying and is running out of time to avenge his family so things are now moving fast. This means things are being much more dangerous. The crew that died during the attack had been with him longer and so their deaths must cut quite deep. He failed to protect them and he can't risk that again with her. This time he would protect DW even if it meant having her hate him. Her life matters more than her love for him. By pushing her away from him and the city where the revenge is bound to happen ... he had hoped that she could start her life somewhere safe.

So he will continue to push her away and she will dig in her heels and stay ... think of the tensions and did I say angsts? Well I'm going to say it again ... it's angsty era baby!!!!!

[donnerpartyofone]

i find you unimaginably cool and ive expressed to you before on anon the sentiment that i feel a deep kinship towards you for how you speak so candidly abt your own stupidity (pls dont take that as me calling you stupid) bcuz i feel exactly the same way abt my own stupidity and hate when ppl try to talk me out of it but ANYways i just saw your post abt writing a novelization of splice and i am literally reeling. i love that weird ass movie so much and i think writing a novelization of it is one of the most off the wall and amazing things ive ever heard of. i hope that you will share when it is published bcuz i cannot wait to read it. pls know that someone out there understands you (or at least understands you as best as someone can thru this parasocial lens of tumblr and how you choose to share yourself there) and that someone out there thinks you are basically what i hope i can be when i grow up. thank you for sharing. thank you for articulating yourself as well as you do (i too have the itch to tell you you are not stupid but bcuz i know how it is i wont do it but besides that, i think you are one of the clearest and most well articulated writers ive ever encountered online or elsewhere). sorry, this all feels insane to type. im off two tallboy ipas and i just think youre great.

Dearest Correspondent,

Oddly enough, just the other day somebody liked an older post of mine, and when I clicked on it to remind myself of what it was, the next post down was your last message. Anyway, thanks! The whole novelization business is really funny. Do people even know what they are anymore? I didn't know anybody still made them until I was hired to do SPLICE. I used to get them from the drugstore sometimes when I was a kid because my parents were very uptight about what I watched, but they wouldn't be caught dead restricting anyone's reading habits. During my initial conversation with the SPLICE publisher, we kind of bonded over our memories of the CHILD'S PLAY 2 novelization, of all things, that seemed to help me a lot in addition to my ideas about what SPLICE should be like on paper. I tend to think of novelizations as just another piece of merch, but when you write them, I don't know, like you really have to live out the movie in your mind over and over again to figure out what the characters are experiencing physically, environmentally, how their emotional experiences affect their bodies, etc. You have to fill in the blanks of what they think and sense just enough to make your transcription convincing, while staying within certain bounds to honor what the filmmaker meant to say. SPLICE started as kind of a lark for me, and then almost immediately it became extremely personal; when I was nearing the end of my first draft I thought, "OK, well, I guess everyone is about to find out how insane I am." I was afraid it just sounded "crazy" and wouldn't be what the publisher was expecting. But after I turned it in, the surprise encouragement I got from actual-Vincenzo Natali was pretty amazing, so maybe it's good! Maybe you really CAN'T tell how crazy I am, and it's just very entertaining. You'll have to wait and see.

Parasocial relationships are tricky, huh, especially here on tumblr dot com. The best thing you can do for yourself is just be very aware that they are happening within you, a test you seem to have passed. I think a lot of us come here seeking understanding of our weirdest parts, but the more you put out there to find the people who get what you're saying, you simultaneously get a lot of reminders that most people have no idea what you're talking about. There will be people who seem to hate you because they've misunderstood you, and there will also be people who love you but whose interactions prove that they have absolutely no idea what you're communicating. I recently culled a bunch of followers because they were just creating a lot of noise, even though they may have meant well, and I was losing the clarity I needed to keep doing this. I started to see every post as a worrisome opportunity to find out how poorly people can possibly read me, and suppressing the urge to re-explain myself every day was becoming exhausting. And ironically, around the same time, I was briefly mutuals with one of my favorite bloggers ever, and just as I thought we were becoming chummy, they unfollowed me. I didn't freak out, actually I just unfollowed them back because I was concerned about being annoying, but I did have all kinds of Thoughts about this event. I have spent a lot of time reviewing what my projections were about that person, and what my personal investment in their narrative says about me. I think there could be something good to get out of this audit, even though the whole episode is sort of embarrassing. But Tumblr definitely gives you a lot of opportunities to examine your own filters, clean them out once in a while, and get to know yourself a little better--even if other people seem to be getting to know you a little worse! You just have to stick to your own course and see what comes of it.

Uh. What the hell was I saying. I don't know! But I appreciate your messages, I feel "gotten" by them. Some of the follower upheaval recently did involve the way that I process my experience of my own stupidity out loud on here--like I know that sometimes folks are trying to be helpful by contradicting me whenever I sound "negative" (read: realistic), but being told (by strangers) how to feel about yourself and that you're wrong about your own experiences is actually really awful, confusing, frustrating, and undermining. So I don't mind being reminded that my signal is coming through for at least some people. I hope you're doing good this holiday season. I wonder what beers you had, they sound fun!

Good tidings to you,

C

PS Isn't "on here" a weird phrase? I always feel like a primate when I say it, but I have yet to find a different phrase that conveys the same thing as accurately.

[littlebabycrybtch]

tbh... we have absolutely FAILED ppl with ea/ting disor.ders so fucking unimaginably bad, especially the visibly underweight ones. and we are still failing them to this day by avoiding valuable education out of discomfort and demonization. its genuinely appalling sometimes, to see just how Dangerously ignorant ppl are about this shit. bros listen 2 me rn. you are not a doctor, and you are Not going cure an ed with your almost laughably ignorant and malicious ‘reverse psychology’ bit where you call someone an ugly skeleton knocking on deaths door whos body needs to be banned from instagram forever, because you’re just ‘so scared theyre gonna die’ or w/e so you can legit pretend they dont exist, holy fucking Shit dude. that shame-and-shun tactic is so unbelievably dangerous. like, if you knew Anything REAL abt these disorders or frankly any mental health issues and cared enough to apply that then you would understand how thats just... pure cruelty. im sorry to be blunt but yeah this isnt a joke, it needs to be said that you are easily going to KILL SOMEONE with that kind of unfiltered uneducated IGNORANCE. it is inexcusably selfish, harmful, and ableist behavior, we have to stop this already.

imo there’s a Lot to be said about the toxicity spiral thats become the pro recovery movement and how much it rejects and speaks over the people its Supposed to support, becoming more about ‘anti symptoms’ than pro anything, but if you are gonna understand Anything new today at least learn this;;; hating yourself at unhealthy is Never ever going to be the key to loving yourself at healthy. being ashamed of yourself FOR being unhealthy, will NOT make you healthier, it’ll make you worse every time. im not tryna be mean but honestly how the actual FUCK do yalls brains work, it is SO wildly damaging to let yourself perpetuate this type of mindset, and then still claim pro recovery or w/e like recovery doesnt have to start at unhealthy??? like itll just happen overnight??? like that’ll help??? like if ppl catch you displaying symptoms of the disorder you LITERALLY HAVE, you arent allowed to talk abt it in any form without intense open negativity towards it and yourself, so ppl know ur definitely totally against it tho and not enabling urself, bc if you dont talk abt ur shame and embarrassment for it that means you arent recovering and need a mob after you??? thats how you think people are gonna get better????

ffs dont try to viciously shame yourself out of bad habits and treat your disorders like taboo, respect and love yourself wholly, the good and the bad, if you want to form better habits!!! ppl NEED to be encouraged to love themselves at unhealthy if they ever want to improve. you are not going to accidentally make them worse by not constantly shaming all their ‘flaws’, they are not MADE of ‘flaws’. by showing support for the mentally ill, you are not fucking supporting their ‘symptoms’, you are a supporting THE FUCKING PERSON EXPERIENCING THEM. and you DESPERATELY NEED TO DO THAT!! there is MORE TO THEM than their symptoms! there are things to COMPLIMENT them on besides their body! its gotten to this point that like. ppl are actually Afraid of just being nice to ppl with eds. they dont even wanna treat them like Humans outside of their disorder, all they see is a disorder. everyone is just SO afraid of ‘enabling’ them by not being vocally against their symptoms that they avoid them like the plague and dont even try to build them up, which is what they fucking need more than anything dude!! 

ppl think refusing to ever let an underweight person feel pretty or love their body where they are at is what they need and will force them to recover, or they think giving them goals like ‘you’ll be so much happier with a bigger body’ and ‘keep going one day you wont look so sick’ is at all different than their own internal dialogue, when the Truth (that people need to fucking know by now!), is that shame with mental health is incredibly dangerous, eds are diverse but theyre most often rooted in starvation as a form of self harm from an unwavering self hatred and feeling of failure or lack of control, one they already have deeply ingrained and will usually feel at Any Size, which is why so many feel unsatisfied and keep going and going till they die. the answer to this problem isnt gonna be inflicting more fucking self hate or pressure. thats gasoline on a fire. you cannot just try and. UNO REVERSE CARD THE ~RULES~ OF THEIR FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER and expect RECOVERY... oh my god dude, please, id laugh out loud if this wasnt so malicious.

listen, if you wanna help, like actually Care about Helping the way you claim the root of your attitude is, you need to make that person feel like they can love themselves, not try to make them ‘realize’ how ‘bad’ they are and how uncomfortable and scared they make you and how Not Allowed their behavior is, bc 1. body dysmorphia is a delusion,,, denial is a common association with addictive/self destructive behaviors,,,, you are going about it wrong if thats the first thing you try to accomplish, and 2. whether you like it or not ‘bad’ is gonna be your first checkpoint! who would be motivated to get better when all you’re doing is giving them an already failing grade and pushing them back??? 

you’re all just... so paralyzed by ignorant fear every time you interact with someone with an ed bc you are so fucking detached from it as a concept, but you wont LEARN how to BEHAVE AROUND THESE PPL! LIKE! and then you claim you act this way ‘because you care'. ok then why do you feel like you dont have to listen or learn??? why dont you see these tactics as needlessly cruel when its explained??? bc oh you cant ‘’’’’trust’’’’ ppl with eds to tell You how to help Them, right??? they’re probably lying, you know better than them ofc. smhhh, every other mental illness community gets to speak for themselves to the ppl without their experiences and therefore the ability to hurt them, sure, but not the sneaky ed people, they created pr.0/a.na/, (the ONLY existing space for encouraging mentally ill ppl in self destructive behaviors, obviously), so they dont know what they need, they have to be Told by Normal people bc their irrational brains are Just Too Broken. (/s)............ like.............?? it is Sooo fuckin prejudiced and disgusting tbh. we gotta do better than this. 

eds are almost completely left out of communities for mental health these days. its seriously so disappointing. if you ACTUALLY ‘care’, then ok you need to swallow your pride and do better, you need to Listen and not let your personal discomforts (genuine triggers excluded!) with their appearance or behaviors get in the way of how humanized and committed your decent treatment of their disorder is. tbr, sometimes you arent just ‘concerned’ about a person, sometimes how you go about your feelings is rooted in your inner urge to validate your own discomforts with them, which means it might end up more about you than about them, which hurts them. i mean for the love of god, these ppl are not ‘irresponsible’ for existing around others with their ~unhealthy bodies~, they are not a walking trigger and cant be treated like one, they arent contagious, they will not benefit mentally from hearing you say you think they should be physically banned from posting selfies or w/e, that isolation WONT prevent eds from ~~~spreading~~~ and will severely harm the person in question, you are not making a heroic decision to try and bully them away to ‘save’ others from ever being around them or save them from being around an “enabling” (supportive recovery/not shameful) community. you are not ‘fixing’ them by making them hate their underweight bodies. you’re LITERALLY just ignorant and prejudiced and ableist, your ideas are actually Very harmful, you are not a savior, you are making it worse, plain and simple. Please just start doing better already, its kind of a life or death situation here

[fairycosmos]

people who think life gets better and all that shit have never had true problems, suffered severe trauma and experienced severy grief or they wouldn't be thinking that shit and forcing your positivity on others is exhausting. they should be quiet. we know our situation lol we know nothing's getting better. you don't know the pain you just shut up. simple

i love them for saying it sometimes and for still having hope and i think often ppl who have been through terrible unimaginable shit and live to tell the tale say that sort of thing simply bc it was a miracle they lived to tell the tale but........i can also v much agree w you. especially since my sister passed and like the PTSD and stuff. ppl who have never been thru it just have no idea honestly. not the first clue. there’s no silver lining and life is not inherently good or even neutral, it’s suffering. and the fact that they even talk to me like it’s something i can overcome or turn into a positive. ever. i’m pretty much planning on running my life into the ground lol but still ppl even ppl around me insist there’s a future. don’t get it! but respect it most of the time honestly even if it’s frustrating 

[iridescentides]

hoOoOly shit dude THANK U for sayin it ive been so annoyed by how lazy, shitty and unrealistic dead parents storylines are for the longest time. letting go is rly SUCH a crucial part of recovery frm that type of trauma in my experience as well....... the actually heartbreaking parts dont get any play. Ppl Who Write should hang out with orphans more. 🤝🤝 of solidarity frm a guy whos parents both passed when they were a kid

EXACTLY!!! thank you for sending this i thought maybe my experience was just unusual but like. its so fucking ridiculous for movies and shows to be like "this character lost their parents and its the only thing they will think about or care about for the rest of their life" like how is that reasonable at all??? it especially pisses me off when they didnt even KNOW the parent they lost like dude that person was not a part of your life to begin with please stop. its super lazy bc its clearly just a shortcut to build sympathy for the character from the audience, many of whom have not experienced it and think its the most terrible unimaginable unspeakable tragedy a person can go through when literally exactly as you said, the emphasis should be on how letting go is a critical part of the healing process. people who lose parents are still their own people like? its just so unreasonable for so many characters to be defined that way

[theeagerone]

Timing

I used to be pretty upset that I wasn't born earlier. I wanted to live the 70s and 80s SO bad. I now feel immensely grateful  for being born when I was. I feel lucky to be a bridge between the old & new world. I feel both prepared & overwhelmed to keep accepting further tools of technology; it's invasive & terrifying for some levels, and a healthy & privileged place to find myself in for others. I am actually very behind in current media trends as I haven't regularly watched TV since I was 18, don't follow any podcasts, and don't receive updates from or check a particular news source regularly.

I remember:

- Getting introduced to the 1st popular PCs in kindergarten

- My mom getting a cellphone larger than a brick screwed in to the floor of her car

- When all u could do in computer lab was typing classes & play academic games & Oregon Trail.

- Learning the catalogue system at the library - books and journals were all we had to do our 1st research papers. 

- Watching the old MTV with my baybsitters & cousins, before reality TV existed

- Getting off the school bus every day since 3rd or 4th grade to bounce bw MTV & VH1 to see the latest music videos, classic 'Pop-Up Videos'

- Eating Lunchables & Fruit Roll Ups & Dunkaroos & all kinds of weird food when the child's food market & advertising really took off

- When the 1st Emac came out in middle school and they were incredible to behold w their rainbow bright cases

- When dial-up took 5 minutes & learning what e-mail was & browsing AOL chat rooms & staying up late sending hundreds of IMs with my middle school boyfriends on AIM (my s/n: iwannaROCKwithu3).

- When I spent hours each night researching, downloading, & evaluating music on Kazaa - When I spent hours making playlist CDs for my friends  and it was the greatest, most precious gift to receive one.

- When I got my own personal phone line in middle school with a leopard faux fur cord phone. I talked for hours & hours with my love interest of the moment and learned deeply about my friend's lives & struggles.

- When Google & AskJeeves.com came out and I thought that was insane & brilliant, that you could ask anything and there would be some kind of answer.

- Slowly abandoning AIM for Myspace at 15.

- Getting my 1st phone (a RAZR) at 15 & being amazed I could take pictures of everything. I didn't have text msging all of high school bc it cost extra (thank God).

- Cruising down the road in 2005 in my GMC Jimmy, so happy to blast classic rock radio & ATL college stations bc that's all I had besides a tape deck. I sometimes connected my walkman to the tape deck to play CDs

- After school driving a car full of friends to play for hours at the river, only using our phones when we were ready to leave or needed to check in w someone

- The night my phone automatically dialed "Home" as I was running from a party to get in my car and my mom received a 5 minute long recording of me screaming at my friends to "jump in the Fing car"and all of us cussing and cutting up as I drove back to our sleepover. I got in huge trouble for driving ppl within the 1st 6 mos of having my license, got my car taken away, and realized that maybe this new exciting concept of 'speed dial' was not a good idea

- When I was 16 & heard about Youtube - the only videos I knew to exist were SHOES, muffins, & GEORGE WASHINGTON. We all laughed about them for weeks.

- When I abandoned Myspace for Facebook at 17

- When you didn't share every detail of your damn life. When you uploaded pictures you were proud of & maybe wrote on your friend's wall to say hi or whatever

- When a band measured their worth w Myspace. The whole reason I felt confident becoming a singer was bc my 1st band Bro & the Brahs w Daniel had something like 1,500 views within a couple weeks of posting our 1st single & I met ppl on campus who had heard our song before they knew who I was.

- When I got to college and we were wild & free for the 1st time in our lives & could have fun together without checking our phones, explore, learn where to go by word of mouth (SO MANY epic gatherings & house parties, cool shows (Slaughterhouse!!) and we could listen & share music forever without anything to distract us. Some of my best memories of college are laying around with friends for hours uninterrupted, crying to records. Spending days in a daze and knowing that was the last time I could do that without a better excuse.

WE KNEW IT WAS THE END OF LIFE AS WE HAD EXPERIENCED IT. WE HAD A LOT OF FUN. WE WERE ABLE TO BE OUR YOUNG SELVES IN A FREE WORLD TO A CERTAIN DEGREE THAT WOULD NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN. WE ARE INTUITIVE WITH TECHNOLOGY THOUGH WE WATCHED THINGS CHANGE AND IT SIMULTANEOUSLY TERRIFIED AND THRILLED US.

Many of us had breakdowns as we became aware of the realer history & overloaded with information as world news became widespread on Twitter, Facebook, etc. by the time I turned 20. I don't understand why boomers or anyone else wants to continue attacking millennials - y'all created us and this. Take a look in the mirror. We are doing the best we can with the constant onslaught of information, adaptation, devastation, disintegration, deforestation, false expectations, infiltration, mutilation, militarization, mechanization, lack of preservation, growing polarization, toxic capitalization, nations built by unimaginable violations. 

I am sincerely hopeful & passionate about what happens next. What we are paying attention to, giving to, creating for, maintaining, and fighting for matters. I wish to take an active role in the movement of self-love, actualization, and self-awareness. Where mindfulness with our technology exists, we all deeply know who we are without  social media personas and apps to help us "live better lives" as we  ________ or ________. Where instead of posting about a major issue affecting our communities we hold ourselves accountable to make the necessary phone calls, attend and gather the necessary people who wish to change something, and make tangible goals and missions that resist debate and politicization. A context which encourages experimentation, where "just doing it" matters & doesn't need to be recorded. When we can remind ourselves to halt the dopamine rush fed by perfectly packaged things and targeted information for our soul's desires. Where we can press pause on the incessant need to debate the current and loosen the grips of anxiety about the future. Where we focus on what's directly in front of us and tap into what it has meant for 200,000 years to be HUMAN.

[soundscapesystem]

sometimes i forget that my Trauma™️ is truly like. unimaginable for most ppl? and things u only hear abt on tv shows? and also a real thing that happened to me? cuz my DID still keeps me very distant from the emotional connection to my childhood and then i will experience a Fear of something and be like "wow how paranoid and dramatic am i to be afraid of something that never happens" and then i remember i literally experienced and survived the things i am terrified of and thats why im so hyperaware of their existence in thr world and i just gotta sit w the knowledge that the first like 7 yrs of my life are divided into "things i can talk about" and "things i never speak aloud to another human because they will think im fucking insane and a liar or the most disturbed and fragile person alive"

and then i close my windows and lock them and baracade myself in my room and tuck a knife under my mattress and lay awake for like 3 hours

[misplacedmelancholy]

cowardice, courage

it’s not a rash decision.. it is something that’s been festering in my mind and life the past 3 years, and my state of mind has just been deteriorating increasingly, because im STILL here. i want to stop being passive, stop doing smth which had been a consequence of ill decision making and which i hadnt had the will to terminate. somehow i had fooled my mum into believing this is a worthy path, because im the one who’s enabling this waste of time and her money.

i know where the problem lies: curriculum is shit and i get no concrete value from this education. yes i shouldve been done with it by now, but that’s just not what has happened, my inability to “just get this over and done with” in itself proves my desperation in wanting, but not being able to move on. most significantly, the ennui ive been experiencing is corroding my self worth. knowing the problem, knowing how it’s impacting my well being, knowing the source of my misery, yet having done nothing to help myself out of it.

what happens when im finally done with it, 8000$ + exam fees later, with a (low level) degree i never was invested in? i literally won’t even use it because i know what i want to pursue seriously and “professionally”. it will be useless, and i would have had subject myself to unimaginable inner torment to get there. i say unimaginable bc currently im in the worst state ive ever been (stopped experiencing “recovery” or “betterment���) and i just know it will worsen when school term starts. i can’t even stand the thought of repeating whatever it is we did in school, all over again. i dont wanna lose myself to this.

“find a job first and do what u want later” that’s what my fam says, they’re not the ones who have found a keen interest in things, or a passion for something. (i mean they’re not even liberals) they’re a product of societal conditioning, inactivated self awareness or just not utilised, and i dont want to be just that, esp since i am /the/ rebel in the fam. even in the context of an absurd world and futility, i know what excites me, what gives me vitality, i know what i advocate for, why have i not started doing things for myself and my own life? i want to live for the arts and for moments of connection.

i believe ive met with enough ppl in not just the arts scene, to see the different kinds of realities they live, and these are the ppl i wanna learn from. i have an honest idea of this kind of life, and im ready to live with it if i find myself in similar situations. ive told some of them that i admire them, and ive been given advice. i dont want to meet these ppl 1 year later, and have them tell me the same things. if there’s anything ive gained over these past few months, it’s that i need to stop being an observer, stop doing things i like as a distraction, but take them and myself seriously.

i know all this sounds idealistic and prob unimaginable for u, but ive seen it and i want to make it happen for myself. i can and will do so many things, amanda. right now i wanna be admitted to an arts program, bach or diploma undecided, so i need to read up on requirements, which require a portfolio. ill start looking thru what ive amassed, put some things together- photo series, text, short clips. produce some new things based on ideas ive had, submit to zines and publications, enter photography competitions, volunteer at events (alr signed up for one in nov, singapore writers festival). pick up my dslr again coz i haven’t had the capacity to do it recently. work more shifts at suntec temporarily (to at least pay my phone bills coz my mum says she’ll stop once i graduate so it’s the same), begin to experience the unemployed millenial life. i can look for some other contract jobs (im looking to work at the projector but ill need to work on my portfolio first). i do know some ppl already, and there are always opportunities floating around (lots of open calls). i just need to take this first step. yes ill prob be a failure to my mum, family, whoever, but at least i know ill be doing smth i want, amanda. not just waiting for smth i don’t want to face to be over. ill feel better, at least. and i i don’t know when else i would if not now.

the catalyst for this decision really was a long conversation i had with my friend on friday. he knew id been delaying the checking of my results, and before he left he just casually mentioned “u haven’t checked ur results right”, and i said yes i have. i said ill prob be more depressive once term starts, (we’ve talked abt this before) he said he really thinks i ought to do smth abt it, and i became silent and he sensed smth was amiss and then he talked to me for a loong while. i got a stress headache coz its just difficult. one of the things he asked was “what hurts you the most?” i couldn’t answer so he gave me 3 options: family, self worth, (forgot the last one lol), and i said self worth. this past weekend everything here was all i thought abt (cried, obviously), and ytd i texted him (while at an exhbition): “i realise a big part of my cowardice has been towards my mum. the first step i need to take is putting myself somewhere i want to be, knowing that she has stopped having faith in me and cant support me. it’s what hurts me the most”

[fairycosmos]

im just wondering do you have any darknesses in you? meaning like parts of you that need to come out and be hateful or angry that scare you? i have such moral insecurities and anxieties i try to be kind but i just feel sometimes some monster in me so i try to let it out in private, but it seems like so many people like u are so certainly unfalteringly good and i cant understand how!!! i wanna be like that!!!! if you dont wanna answer or this is weird i totally understand lol

oh dude..........absolutely. dont make the mistake of thinking i’m like idk.....someone you should want to be like. i know i answer anons asking for advice sometimes, but that’s usually just me suggesting they seek professional support bc i can relate to them. i’m sure the ppl who follow me on here have a very one dimensional image of me as i do in regards to the people i follow, due to the nature of social media. but i can definitely vouch for the fact that i’m a fucked up person and i have a lot to work on, a whole lifetime of shit to work on. while it’s easy to be amicable with people online when they’re giving you that same positive energy, in real life i’m basically too insecure and bitter to be as open and vulnerable as i am on here.  i have internalized so much crap and it comes through in most of my interactions. i’m selfish, i have a million complexes, i’m insecure, i cringe away from everything, i’m emotionally unavailable at the best of times, i’m moody and neglectful. i’m a COMPLETE coward. sometimes i dont think about the shit that i say, i take things for granted. i freeze and avoid avoid avoid to the point of toxicity. i never know where to start or how to conduct myself naturally - to an embarrassing extent for someone who is a whole ass adult. and i’m angry, too. which is a human emotion not a flaw. but people tell me my resting face looks like i want to fkn kill somebody, i dont have a good aura :( there’s a lot of reasons i’m so isolated, i guess. besides all of that though, i also don’t think we as humans can be categorized as ‘entirely good’ or ‘entirely bad’ because most of us carry both inside, always. we’re complex beings made up of shades of grey, rather than of black and white. and the different environments we find ourselves in (usually due to factors outside of our control) tend to bring out different parts of who we are, negative or otherwise. everyone you pass on the street has that same ‘face’ they only wear when they’re alone. we see others in a very shallow way on a day to day basis, so it’s easy to think they’re not holding anything back, but they always are. nobody gets through the world unscathed and having insecurities, especially ones you’ve learned growing up, is completely normal.  the only thing you can do once you recognize that they’re there is try your best to dismantle the toxic mindsets that have been forced upon you, through therapy or self help or even just with time. and it’s alright if that’s a life long process. you’re allowed to be pissed off, you’re allowed to be hurt. it doesn’t make you a monster at all. the whole point is that you are trying to be kind despite it all and that you are working with what you’ve been given. if you were really some evil unimaginable beast, you wouldn’t even be willing to put forth that effort. it’s good that you’re looking inwards and trying every day to be a better person, but sometimes it’s good to take a step back to breathe. don’t over analyze your existence too much love. it all just ends up becoming so convoluted and unclear when you judge yourself for every single trait you’ve ever observed in your behaviour/personality. because growth is constant and you’re experiencing it subconsciously every single day. and then there’s the issue of perception. everyone you meet sees you through their own lens. some will see good, some may see the parts you want to keep hidden. but either way you’re a whole person, and so it’s natural to have sides of you that conflict. you don’t have to be unfalteringly happy and positive all the time. in fact it’s impossible and may be a disservice to your mental well being in the long run. ultimately i think it comes down to this. i PROMISE i wouldn’t be quoting h*rry p*otter in 2020 if i wasn’t moderately sleep deprived but i am so. it’s one of the most famous lines and it applies - “we’ve all got both light and dark inside us. what matters is the part we choose to act on. that’s who we really are.” the son of a bitch was right. and you’re doing far better than you realize, just by prioritizing kindness and trying to extend it every day. you’re a good person because you’re attempting to be, and that’s more than enough :)