#possible but inevitable I fear!
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Finally watched the last episode (SE4-EP20: with Friends like these) of Camp camp. It wasn't perfect, but I still enjoyed it a lot! The new voices kinda put me off at first, especially Gwen. I was fine with Nerris and I just imagined Max going through puberty. What bothered me the most was the pacing, some dialogues didn't flow really well, some animations didn't too (felt like they were running in place), cuts were sometimes weird. The audio was strange too. BUT !! I had just rewatched the entire series and it helped draw emotions when it was needed, despite the pacing kinda fucking it all up. LOVED all the references to previous seasons and episodes. "Because somebody fucking has to!" And the photos at the end!!
The scene with Max and David was perfect though. Nothing to say against it. "One of these days I'm going to close up camp for the last time" ARGHGRGGHH !! y'know? "So the more I can make of what I have today, the more I can walk away with when it's gone" The entire dialogue! had me crying! a little!! "That's all I want for you kids Max, to have something to take with you." Kill me David, why don't you! They BOTH killed me to be honest. 😭One of my favorites scenes all episodes considered.
All in all an okay and kinda great close to this summer. That lasted like, 8 years. or 7. Next summer's in a week :) 🏞️☀️
#camp camp#campcamp#please please please don't make david have a crush on cj#“mahoooganyyy” typical david not understanding the possible undertones of what he's saying#or how he's saying it.. anyway#can't wait :)#also can't wait for this fandom to become more active. like in the good ole days#without all the weird stuff if possible#possible but inevitable I fear!#I've been rereading all my fav fics.. and some new ones!#and going through some of my fav fanarts.. and some new ones!#btw when I say I don't want david to have a crush on cj#I don't want it to be unexpected#I don't really have an opinion on cj yet#hope jasper comes back though. pretty please#hope gwen comes back too. from time to time at least
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It did not hurt me then. It did not shake me. I was too pale of soul, too numbed, too used to seeing all things as figments in a series of unconnected dreams. - The Vampire Armand
#iwtvedit#iwtv#interview with the vampire#armand#interview with the vampire spoilers#not sure i can clearly articulate what i was going for here. something about armand's passivity and learned helplessness and fear#even when he CAN fight back he... doesn't#louis is outside the whole coven system and has no fear of it or other vampires even after the trial.#even with how powerful he is armand is scared of other vampires and sees violence from them not just as a possibility but an inevitability#he clearly told louis at least a little about the CoD and santino and all the torture and brainwashing#but it's not real to louis the way it's real to armand
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I understand why it wasn't possible, but it's such a shame we couldn't get Jenny back for The Wish. She and Giles fighting a losing battle side by side and being hardened from it, but remaining each other's solace. Them piecing together the puzzle Cordelia presents to them and having faith in a world better than this, only for Anyanka to try and throw them by hinting at Jenny's death should they return. Giles faltering at the thought of losing her and Jenny, once again, sacrificing herself and destroying the necklace. The way she sees it: she'll either be dead by The Master's hand or by her own, and only one of those inevitabilities gives the man she loves a chance of survival. She kisses him as she plunges herself into the abyss, wanting the last thing she experiences to be his love.
Giles waking up the following morning, the pang in his heart he always feels whenever he remembers Jenny accompanied by a newfound feeling of emptiness, and he's not quite sure why.
#buffy the vampire slayer#calendiles#jenny calendar#is doomed by the narrative i fear: and the writers will never be forgiven for that#rupert giles#he chooses her this time around#he can't go through with losing her even if it will save the world#he endured because he had jenny how on earth can he lose her now? and it certainly won't be by his hand#but jenny also chooses him - she refuses to allow him to remain in a world where meeting their maker in the Master feels inevitable#and she knows he knows she's doing the right thing and she can only hope he finds a new happiness in the world from which he came#which he never does - but he constantly dwells on the happiness he could have had with her.#they could have ran the magic box together. it would have been perfect for the both of them.#he likes to think she'd enjoy england but knows she'd last about three days before wanting to leave (and that's a generous assessment.)#and when the kids are leading their grown up lives away from him he longs for jenny to be curled up in his arms#he'll never know he briefly had her back#but the life he wanted them to live wasn't possible in the world in which they made it#something to potentially write one day#if anyone does know any fics with this concept though please let me know!#meg.txt
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true strength — batman secret files (2018) #1
(ID below cut!)
[ID: A short story with a guiding narration:
His knuckles ache with each blow, bone grinding into bone. The criminals shout what they always shout. And Superman comes from above. — We're shown Batman fighting against several men that are trying to overpower him. He blocks an attack as he strikes another man. Above him, in the far distance, Superman is soaring through the air to get to him and help.
Superman gives a speech. They've been friends for so long. Colleagues. Soldiers in the fight. Superman knows his soul, he says. He knows he's a good man, he says. — Now, in the safety of the Batcave, Batman sits in front of his computer desk. He's facing Superman, who's standing in front of him with his hand outstretched. He opens his fist to reveal what he's brought.
Inside the Phantom Zone there is an impossible universe. Inside the impossible universe is an impossible planet. On the impossible planet is a small, impossible rock. Platinum Kryptonite. — Bruce pushes his cowl off as Superman presents the radiant silver rock to him.
It gives you powers. Powers like Superman's. Superman tells him to touch it. “Just touch it, Bruce, just once, and it lasts a lifetime. Then you can fight as I fight, as you should fight. With true strength.” A smile. A whoosh. Superman leaves. — Superman leaves the Kryptonite on the desk before he departs. Bruce doesn't move any closer. He stares at it somberly, deep in thought.
He looks at the gift. His mind wanders. — A red-tinted multipanel sequence shows Bruce imagining a scenario if he did gain Superman's powers. A woman is being held hostage by the Joker. She has a gun pressed to her temple as she stares at Batman with fear. Silently begging him to help and to save her like how he's saved countless others. The Joker pulls the trigger. But before she can be another person he couldn't possibly save, Batman's eyes glow with red electricity. He vaporizes the bullet with heat vision before it can even finish leaving the barrel.
He keeps his hands at his side. His knuckles ache. At least two of them are broken. Footsteps echoing down the stairs. The smell of stirred milk and white sugar. A polite clearing of the throat. Alfred says nothing. Their routines are well established, words are unnecessary. — Bruce continues to stare intensely at the well-intended present as Alfred approaches him with a tray. Bruce finally tears his gaze away from the Kryptonite to look at his lifelong friend before looking down at the steaming teacup that Alfred hands him.
His hand shakes. His loose knuckles stab into his skin. He can’t hold on. He always has before. But now he can’t. — His hand continues to tremble and before he can take a single sip of the hot drink, the cup is shattering against the ground.
The pain is not great. Not as great as it has been. Not as great as a bullet burrowing, or a back breaking, or a knife sinking into his throat. This is nothing. But still. His knuckles ache. — Bruce grabs his own gloved hand, cradling the back of his broken knuckles. He looks up and quietly asks, “Alfred. Am I enough?”
END ID]
#happy sad boy sunday !!!#here's your reminder that imposter syndrome is something very real and something anyone can experience.#there'll always be those fears that you arent enough or capable of something. that others are better and you're a fraud#but those fears arent reality. you're where youre at and you're capable of doing these things#(rather it be art to writing to academia to saving a cursed city) because YOU put in the effort and made it possible.#just because you may struggle doesnt mean youre incapable of these things or you dont belong suddenly. it just means youre human.#its okay to struggle. its okay to have bad days even with things you been capable of doing flawlessly before. youre not suddenly#a failure. youre not lying to anyone or yourself. it just means you have to treat yourself with more patience and kindness and#remember to take a breath. remember to allow yourself to learn and grow or to approach something difficult with the wisdom that it wont#always be & that its okay to have an off day/week/month/year. youre human. these moments are going to happen. its inevitable.#you're still doing great and im proud of you for just being here. try to be proud of yourself too; u deserve it.#c: batman secret files (2018) | i: 1#crypt's panels#transcrypts#posts from the crypt#bruce wayne#batman#superman#there's something to be said about clark trusting bruce enough to give him this opportunity but.... thats another post jdofhc
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sometimes I forget I'm a real-ass adult and have been for years because I do not know shit or fuck what I'm doing in any sense whatsoever
#rambumbles#like I know that seems to be a common occurance. but still.#I need to not think about how much I don't know or else I'll get really depressed#hmm how will I find a fulfilling career ? how will I pay bills and move out ? how do I conceptualize my own future ? ha ha !#how do I make a doctor's appointment ? how do I tell my parents about my mental struggles and not take it poorly-#when they inevitably brush me off ? how do I gain the confidence to be open with them about anything I actually care about-#for fear that it will be dismissed in the same way ?#ha ! hahahaha !!#how have I made it this far. how am I going to get anywhere past this. is that even possible at this point#oh well ! fuck it we ball ! surely I'll stumble upon something at some point. right .#until then I'll keep holding onto the things that Do make me happy. because I do care about them#and I know that my feelings are far from unique. I want to share my joy with others so that we can Both have something to hold onto.#the horrors persist. but so do I. :salute:#anyways let this be your reminder to never trust how you feel about your life past 9pm thank you and goodnight
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Touya apologizing to Shoto? Touya-nii would never.
All jokes aside I’m running back to the Touya-nii universe after this ending because I am… not a fan of it. 🙃 I thought I had prepared myself mentally for whatever Hori had in store but now that I’m seeing it for myself I just feel even more angry for Touya. It doesn’t feel like justice for him.
HAHAHA literally exactly what i said too, yes!!!!! he’s shouting weaaaaak! at canon touya, and while his voice is strong and harsh and stone cold, his eyes are glazed with the thinnest layer of tears—so thin you can only see them when the light catches on his eyes juuust right.
no i completely agree. i talked about it a little bit here but yeah, i’m really upset with the way everything is being handled. it just feels so insanely disrespectful. i could write you a whole essay on how upset i am and why i’m so upset but i am just so tired of talking about it LMAO ugh ._. well, at least we got shaggy-haired touya :( who looks exactly like my touya-nii does :( if nothing else, that’s one positive from this chapter!!
#i spent like#ALL of thursday just ranting to my friends about this chapter#i'm rly rly upset with how this is being handled#i wanted touya to die because i felt like it was the best ending to his story (so if he IS actually dying i'm happy abt that)#but hori's going about it in the worst way possible ://#like it's so disrespectful TO THE CHARACTER you know what i mean???#it feels like it spits in the face of everything touya's been through in his entire life#now he's literally fucking trapped#he can't move he can't get away he can't do ANYTHING but sit there as they talk at him#his autonomy has been completely robbed from him#they preserved him from the battlefield and are prolonging his inevitable death just so THEY can talk to him like#it's beyond selfish#ugh see look i'm going off#i told u i could write an essay LMAOOO#anyway ._. i'm sorry we're getting this ending#it's better than touya living or touya being reconstructed (truly my biggest fear) but yeah ._.#sending so much love your way sweetpea#this sucks!!!!#staple chan#clari gets mail
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I've been thinking a lot about fear off and on over the last week and. Hmm.
#rambling#I am a super anxious person#I can find a way to be afraid of a lot of things#On top of that there are things that trigger my anxiety and cause me to be Very Afraid; Every Time#ex. Sickness#So I've devoted the past few months to avoiding those triggers whenever possible#and it's just now occuring to me that that.... may not be the healthiest choice?#Instead of avoiding the sources of fear at all costs; maybe I should confront them?#I can't.... Avoid EVERYTHING that scares me#and it's keeping me from doing things I want to do. Or SHOULD do.#and when I am inevitably in a situation where I CANT avoid a trigger it makes me doubly stressed because I can't escape it#I don't know if confronting them would help but I know avoidance isn't going to work forever.
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☎️🎲 🤼♂️ ✈️🚪 ➡️ 🫀🎮⌛️
Slipping Through My Fingers by ABBA
previous ⏮️ now playing ⏭️ next back to playlist
#platonic elmike#stranger things#bizarre love triangle playlist#mike wheeler#mike's pov#mike is still a hard nut to crack for me...#this scene in particular i'm still not certain about#i do think it was riddled with his very consistent tactic of stalling#but he's also of course relieved to hear el say she missed him#perhaps this is him thinking "oh thank god she doesn't hate me'#while also having to accept in real time that will was perhaps right that el still needs him... but is he up for the task of el's bf?...#and so he's sort of trying to work out how he can finally just do this to do right by el#which comes with the fear that he is indeed going to lose her when it all comes crashing down inevitably like it already has and is#either way i think he's contending with the fact that losing el may be inevitable#that's why he's having such a hard time lying to her in the first place#bc he knows lies lead to the truth eventually being revealed#and so he just feels her slipping through his fingers no matter what he does#he imagined this future with her (and will) where they stayed connected to each other no matter what#but mike's scared that future won't be possible once all is revealved#i think will's whole speech in the van has mike even more conflicted#bc his feelings for will are very strong at this point#and so even if he believes that this is truly how el feels as of now...#he also probably knows deep deep down that he wishes (still hopes) it was will's feelings#which makes going through with this even harder#not to mention all the parallels between mike and hopper ('not hopper...not mike... you!')#these two male figures in el's life who rescued her from a horrible situation are having a hard time coming to terms with her growing up#like yes she's growing and 'slipping through your fingers' but that's okay!#you don't have to lose her forever just because she doesn't have to rely on you anymore!#4x09#gif
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an approximately chronological list of things i've fucked up in my current bookbinding project
When merging the individual chapter files into a single pdf I messed up the page numbers and had to go back and redo it
I did that again
I fixed the page numbers but forgot chapter 7 entirely and only caught it halfway through printing. Thankfully fixed it
Realized I fixed all of that without catching an image cutting off part of the text in the colophon. fixed it in the UK edition
Didn't test my inkjet ink for bleed before designing and drawing the entire Eriador map, only to realize that the magenta ink bled horribly. Fixed it by image editing all the red elements to brown.
(there were lots of other map mistakes but we're going to keep Fred Mithrin between us)
Marbling fuckups, which deserves a whole separate category:
Tried marbling outside. As it turns out, wind moves paint when it's floating on top of a pan of water. This makes it difficult to put the paint where you want it.
Alumed the paper, then pressed it in a stack under weights and left it overnight. Turns out the alum deactivates (chemistry something something) if left in an anaerobic environment for a long time and the sheets were ghostly pale
Made the size too thin (there was a wake like I was jet skiing with those combs and the patterns were illegible)
Made the size too thick (so many. fucking bubbles. everywhere)
Air bubbles in all the wrong places RIP
Made my stencil BACKWARDS because I didn't check which arm was injured before marbling
Alumned before applying the stencils (the paper warped everywhere except where the stencil was and then it wasn't flat)
Alumned after applying the stencils (now the paint could bleed under the stencil and it didn't have clean edges)
Used freezer paper for the stencils (this was my ultimate mistake it just doesn't stick enough to prevent bleed. i think. i never fixed this so who knows)
Black paint was haunted. (That's not so much a mistake as an unavoidable reality I didn't realize when planning my marbling)
Back to regular fuckups:
Tested a new endpaper style (hidden linen-joined endpapers) on one of my good marbled sheets rather than on a blank sheet of paper, only to realize the sulphite paper was too weak and would tear. Impossible to remove the linen from the sheet and had to abandon it for one of my sub-par marbled sheets
Glued the cloth hinges for the UK editions on BACKWARDS with PVA. compounded this mistake by trying to carefully remove them with a microspatula rather than living with it. Tore the paper. Attempted to mend it with kozo and warped the paper. Attempted to color it with paste paint to cover it up and tested my color match on plain rather than mended paper, leading it to be obviously the wrong color.
When sewing the US copy of ATWW I pulled the wrong thread while doing a weaver's knot and ripped the first signature out of the book (mended it with kozo tissue)
Trimmed the head of US DR with the pages askew because I forgot to square the book in the press in all 3 dimensions. Trimmed it again to try and correct that, but didn't take enough off so it wasn't flat. Tried to sand it flat and still didn't succeed. Gave up.
Glued and rounded the spine of UK ATWW before trimming the fore edge. Had a panic. Got the trimming setup and done in under half an hour, a new record.
Rounded the spines unevenly (always)
Didn't press UK DR tightly enough while sanding the inside fore edge and some of the pages got hooked in on themselves, necessitating going through with a microspatula and unhooking each page individually, then sanding again.
Over to edge marbling fuckups:
Used too strong of masking tape to tape off the head and tail when dipping the fore edges, which ripped the back side of the endpapers while removing.
Didn't dip US edition fore edges deep enough, leaving blank spaces
Panicked and dipped them a second time, making the pattern muddled
Managed to get bubbles on both the head and tail of the UK editions, because god hates me in particular
Attempted to fix one of the bubbles with paint and accidentally washed off a patch of marbling in the process.
Didn't press the books tight enough (quick release clamps were a mistake
Should have dried off the edges gently with a paper towel before air drying - the water on the edges seeped into the pages, causing both paint bleed and the books to warp out of square
Forgot the paste paper endpages and literally GLUED THE BOOKS SHUT. Had to very carefully pry them open again. 🤦
Aaaand that's as far as I've gotten so far but never fear more mistakes are on the way
#bookbinding adventures#it might be possible (idk how) to think i'm good at this but never fear!!#i am not!!!#i am just stubborn as hell#i'll come back and edit this later once i inevitably fuck up more#long post
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tommy: john? constantine: mm? tommy: he had your laugh.
the way this almost made me cry just now, like!! the family man looking like john's father (who john resembles) and reminding john of himself, the demon constantine being his own double, the tulpa of the happiest possible version of himself who still turned out to be a raging monster — his scariest enemies keep ending up being versions of him.
his greatest fear is becoming a monster and he keeps coming up against that fear again and again and again. no wonder he avoids his own eyes when he looks in the mirror.
#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS.#there's that one new 52 comic where he met an alternate version of himself who was practically the golden boy w/o the og connotations#a version of himself who lived his life beautifully. whose mother lived. whose father was kind. who was still with kit ryan.#and he killed that version of himself in order to return to his own universe#and i can't help but wonder if he would have killed his alternate self anyway. even if it Wasn't necessary to his survival#because as spurrier's run has shown: even the happiest version of himself is a bastard beyond redemption#and that is all john will ever see in himself. someone who blights existence by his very breath#he'll never fully recognize that it is the mistakes he's made in this life that have shaped him into the best possible version of him#warts and all. failures and all. rage and grief and loss and unhealthy coping mechanisms and all.#he'll never understand that his most feared enemies look like him bc they TERRIFY him. not because they're INEVITABLE#he would do ANYTHING to avoid becoming like the family man. like the tulpa. Any. Fucking. Thing.#splits me down the fucking middle knowing he can't see that in himself#anyway it's FINE i'm FINE#( character study. ) A WALKING PLAGUE OF A MAN.#( headcanons. ) I'M JUST LIKE THE BASTARDS I'VE HATED ALL ME LIFE.
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#something something craving intimacy and companionship something something anxiety something something ptsd and fear of abandonment#probably because i've been rotating TB and AJ in my head like they're in the microwave but i too want a giant man to gently hold my hand#but i'm such a fucking alien‚ i don't know how to talk to people. i don't want to flirt‚ just wanna hold a conversation‚ and i'm bad at bot#the only people still interested in me have no idea what i'm like irl and i'm too afraid to actually meet up with anyone i've met online#i'm also a broke jobless busted-ass loser so like. i bring nothing to the table other than knowledge about my niche hyperfixations#and no one wants that LOL#i also have a hard time giving people a chance because i've been burned so bad that i'm constantly guarded#any friends i've made in the last 5 years are all kept beyond arm's length#if i don't let you in‚ you can't hurt me when you inevitably leave 🤔🤔🤔#there's a post that went around that was like 'you give a piece of yourself to every person you've ever loved' and yeah bitch that's true#i spent like 25 years constantly giving and giving and giving so now i'm all shrivelled up and dry. ain't got nothin left#what could anyone possibly see in me at this point lol
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Can Not stop thinking about urianger being fucked up over visions of the world ending and the wol dying for a solid Bit after getting tossed to the crystarium. im going to eat a brick.
#hes already fucked up over the body count the scions are very rapidly amassing#and he views the wol as a close friend!! theyre very important to him#and uri too falls under the assumption that 'oh theyre the wol they cant possibly die theyve overcome so much'#he feels that with almost all of his friends but the most for the wol#so to be suddenly put in a moment of deep concern for the world then torn from your body and shown The Worst Possible Future-#not only is the world ending but you watch it end and you watch as the last bastion of your hope the person you assumed could and would neve#r truly die-- does die. undoubtedly and viscerally and in front of you#as you are once again (if you are not always!) powerless to help them because All You Can Do Is Ever Observe#i also imagine it was like the wols vision of the oracle. where they know theyre being watched#and they can turn to face uri right before they fall. :) and die :) and the world descends into the eigth calamity#the death of the worlds pillar and then the world itself as every constant is suddenly torn into jarring disarray#and uri lands in the crystarium and he is crying but doesnt understand why or how#(it is fear it is loss it is the terror of the inevitable)#he has been given the visions he always read about and now he feels personally the grandiose scope of prophecy and how heavily it weighs#and how he Has To get the words out right but how is he supposed to communicate exactly the weight of it!! how is he supposed to say all the#se things when he cant easily parse the impact of it all he cant figure out how to communicate the burning of it#and he understands a bit better that the prophecies he scoured over must have hurt and weighed and frightened and how#its not the same any more even the long gone ones#aaaaaAAAAAAAA#im going to EAT A BRICK#me chewing on gravel this elf loves his friends and the world and the wol so much and he cares but he doesnt KNOW HOW#I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AND THE FEELINGS ARE AAAAAAAAAAAURGH#I TOLD MYSELF I WAS GOING TO BE NORMAL ABOUT THIS BUT IM GOING TO EAT TWELVE BRICKS
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usually idgaf if someone hates a character that i like but the exception to this is leafpool bc if u don’t like her i’m gonna assume it’s for weird reasons
#this is my blog i’m allowed to be unreasonable#everytime someone explains why they hate her i go 🤨 bc it’s usually ‘she was so irresponsible’#or ‘she was so selfish and everything that ever happened to the three and squirrelflight it her fault’#idk she was just a girl struggling to balance being happy and doing what was expected of her and these things didn’t line up and she#was well aware that she lived in a society that would ostracize and shame her forever if her secret got out#and she was RIGHT like.#it did get out and everything she feared did happen. keeping the secret only prolonged the inevitable yeah but it gave her kids the most#normal childhood possible#at least they were full adults when it came time to deal with it#yes she made mistakes but she was always trying to do the right thing she just messed up sometimes#UR A LOSER IF U DONT LIKE HER IDC!!!!!!!
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There’s a reason valantinez chose blank to be the name that they give people btw
#it’s literally Nobody. I’m nobody in particular. why should I HAVE a name?#please don’t notice my existence. I am background noise. a ghost#why would someone like me HAVE a name?#<- and I don’t think they’ve ever heard their Real Actual name spoken in DECADES#they can’t quite remember how their name should sound or feel coming out of thier mouth#it’s uncomfortable acknowledging that they were given a name at all#more of that ‘shed and abandon as much of your humanity as possible in a desperate attempt at gaining power’ stuff#wanting to be a human is to be feared and desired#no turning back it’s too late it was too late the very moment you thought to weaponize your body#you don’t deserve a name. to be acknowledged. so use this Nothing Name as your mask. but he warned that it WILL break eventually#be prepared for it is inevitable#oc stuff
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Wanting to go cope with feeling awful all the time by making silly posts and being offline but then i see something I'd have gladly showed them in a photo if i could and it all just comes back
#grief is a terrible thing#idk if i grieve this much people who aren't currently talking to me idk if i will be able to#live through losing my loved ones#my biggest fear that will inevitably always come true#no one can possibly be with you forever and i am just supposed to live with that? how?
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the magnus protocol getting a mini hiatus means that my mind is trying to overcompensate by going back to brainrot mode and i am therefore once again back on my "the lukas family is probably one of the most powerful groups of people in that entire universe" bullshit
#personal#once again i maintain that the lonely is possibly the most powerful entity of smirke's fourteen#or second most powerful behind the end (due to the inevitability of death)#but isolation is such a basic part of fear in general#that the lonely can seep into anything else relating to any other fear#and the lukases just have to be some of the most powerful lonely avatars due to their tight monopoly on lonely affiliated things#(and of course due to my personal belief that peter was in the upper echelons of the family hierarchy)#(my dear sadistic catholic coded fave is one of the most powerful people in the mag universe period)#(god i miss him bring him back to me)
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