#pop! mascots: nhl

[icedbatik]

After @coffee-at-annies reblogged this post with some truly amazing tags, I had questions. Because I either never knew that detail or it somehow completely slipped my mind, but ...

The tags: #pride 2024

#least the mascots show up

#I mean iceburgh is marching for himself I’m pretty sure he’s still married to Stanley C Panther

She generously provided me with a link to this video, from the 2022 NHL All-Star weekend in Las Vegas, which provided me with these screengrabs:

Iceburgh pops the question and Florida mascot Stanley C Panther says "Yes!"

I didn't screengrab it but, after the wedding at a Las Vegas chapel, the blushing bride tossed the bouquet. It was caught by the LA Kings' mascot, Bailey!

[letkirillfight]

ooooooh for the ask game, ⚔️ and 💣!!! (not sure why i ended up choosing kinda violent emojis ?? lol??)

⚔️ What is goaltender interference? (Wrong answers only)

Goaltender interference is when the refs stopped Marc-Andre Fleury, future hall of famer, famously nice guy, beloved and respected goalie, Vezina Trophy winner, and three time Stanley Cup winner from fighting Jordan Binnington and therefore prevented him from delivering cosmic justice.

💣 Blow it up: pick one NHL team. Change its name, mascot, logo/colors. Tell me why you chose the new elements.

Okay, for serious reasons, we're rebranding the Chicago team. Make them actual (Black) Hawks, give them a dope hawk logo, and make black or brown their primary color. Idk the secondary color, gold potentially puts them in competition with the Pens, and also the Bruins, but also gold is kind of The Color for hawk eyes isn't it whether it's realistic or not.

For less serious reason, the Kings need to pay for not using purple while taking up valuable purple associated name real estate. So either put them back in their old purple jerseys or change their name and logo and they can keep the black and silver. I am admittedly awful at naming things but I will say the first two things that popped into my head to maintain the color scheme were Pirates (skull and crossbones) and Checkers (idk what this logo would be tbh) so take that for what you will.

Thanks for the ask!

From here

[camshaft22]

Something that occurred to me. I know I'm far from the first person to say this but this is my show.

Ok, so, Batman. When he first pops up, everyone

HATES

Batman. Like, I'm talking pure, unadulterated hate.

Like Gritty. For those who came later, Gritty is the Philadelphia Flyers, which is a NHL Hockey team, mascot. They didn't have one for an extremely long time. But for reasons I don't care to look up, they made one. Everyone hated Gritty so much. As you do online. But like, even people who aren't terminally online hated everything about him.

Then, the more people started shit talking him from not Philadelphia, the more the City loved him. Which is the most Philadelphia thing ever and I love that for them. Gritty is now an icon. Which, I love and hate because Capitalism (hate) but also Comrade Gritty (love).

I think Batman ended up a lot like Gritty did at first. Everyone hating that Batman existed then Gotham saying Fuck you, we love him. Because the assholes from Metropolis started talking shit.

[starsandhughes]

anyone else feel like the kraken mascot lowkey looks like a furry? every time it pops on my fyp i’m like oh jumpscare!!!

i feel bad but it’s the most fur-sona looking NHL mascot to me

AHAHA YOU’RE SO RIGHT😭

[don-lichterman]

Funko POP! NHL Mascots: Boston Bruins - Blades,Multicolour

Funko POP! NHL Mascots: Boston Bruins – Blades,Multicolour

Price: (as of – Details) From Bruins, Blades, as a stylized Pop! vinyl from Funko! Figure stands 3 3/4 inches and comes in a window display box. Check out the other Bruins figures from Funko! Collect them all!Stylized collectable stands 3 ¾ inches tall, perfect for any Bruins fan!Collect and display all Bruins POP! Vinyls!

[graphicpolicy]

Coming Soon: Pop! Mascots - NHL

Coming Soon: Pop! Mascots - NHL. Gritty, nuff said. #NHL #Funko

Celebrate your love of hockey and the NHL with Pop! Mascots including the Chicago Blackhawks’ Tommy Hawk, New Jersey Devils’ NJ Devil, Boston Bruins’ Blades, Philadelphia Flyers’ Gritty, and Vegas Golden Knights’ Chance.

Toronto Maple Leafs’ Carlton is a Grosnor exclusive.

[shotani]

it makes me stupidly happy when people order hockey related stuff at work

[kolsmikaelson]

i just hit 500 followers on here (thank yall btw:)) send however many at a time that you want and i’ll get to them as soon as possible! also most of these are really random cause i dont wanna use the same ones as i already have:) i’ll be doing these until next friday!

🤩-ask me anything!

💍- fmk, send me three names and i’ll choose

🐝- send me an assumption you have about me and i’ll say wether its true or not

💫- give me your disney crushes and i’ll rate them

🌷- cym- send me a something and i’ll cast my mutuals as such (ex- cym as flowers)

🎸- send me this and i’ll give a couple of songs that remind me of you

🎈- give me a random fact about you and i’ll tell you the first thing that pops into my head

🎶- send me a song (three at most) and i’ll rate it 1-10

✨- rankings, send me something and i’ll put it in order of 1-10 or however many you send (ex-nhl mascots*specific teams*)

tagging some moots- @joshsandersons @samsteel @2manytabsopen @boqvistsbabe @sidscrosbyy @grubauerr @dmonchld @cherrybarzy @natemacktruck @ollywahlygator @hotgirlhockey @sadgirlhockey

[rageworks]

NHL Mascots Join Funko's NHL Pop! Line

NHL Mascots Join Funko's NHL Pop! Line. #Funko #NHL #Mascots #RAGEWorks #FunkoPop

Funko continues giving sports fans a variety of sports themed Pop! figures to choose from and after the success of their baseball mascot series it was a no brainer to release Pop! figures of other mascots. The latest mascots to get the Funko Pop! treatment are from the NHL. Fans can pick up Chicago Blackhawks’ Tommy Hawk, New Jersey Devils’ NJ Devil, Boston Bruins’ Blades, Philadelphia Flyers’…

[badlesmisimaginesofficial]

shoutout to @byjuxtaposition​ for egging on my worst thoughts and impulses! this is dedicated to them and also the NHL for giving me more hours of hockey a day than one person can reasonably or safely consume

[nsfw text]

Imagine....

When Valjean first disappeared, you spent weeks looking for him. It made no sense how a man could vanish into thin air and yet he'd done it. Even when your pursued his pseudonyms, no one had heard of Madeleine or Fauchelevent. You kept looking for a while, hoping he would pop up somewhere, but months and then years passed. You had to accept it. The best dick of your life was gone, and he wasn't coming back.

Slowly, you got over it. Gillenormand was happy to pay for your therapy in exchange for sexual favours and you could always go to Javert if you wanted a spanking. His heart was never in it as much, but it scratched the itch.

'I think you're going to see him again,' Eponine says one day. You'd been feeling melancholy and, like clockwork, she showed up in your door with a lit cigarette in hand. It was like she had a psychic sense for when you needed to talk about your love life. So much as a fleeting thought about your romantic prospects and Bam, Eponine would be there.

'Really?' you say, hating how hopeful you sound.

'Yeah. Like, you'll be walking down the street one day and there he'll be. You won't be expecting it.'

'When did you get so wise, 'Ponine?' you giggle. She shoves you affectionately, rolling her eyeliner-rimmed eyes.

'I'm always saying, Y/N. You've got to put your trust in the Infinite.'

'Right. Because that always ends well.'

'Oh come on, it does. And in completely unrelated news, because I exist just to be your hypewoman - '

'What?'

'Are you coming to the game on Saturday?'

'Oh god. I don't know. Wait, are you going?'

Eponine nods, a sly blush creeping onto her face. 'Enjolras has been begging me, you know how he gets about sport.'

'Are you guys like, a thing now?' you ask, delighted. You've spent way too long watching the two of them circle shyly round each other, unable to act on the crazy amounts of sexual tension. It's even worse when they bicker, like watching a lightning storm due to obliterate everything in its path.

'Maaaybe. If you and Montparnasse come it'll be like a double-date!'

You sigh. The only person crazier about sport than Enjolras, Montparnasse has been trying to get you into ice hockey for ages. You're still not super sure of the appeal, but it's like, Really important to Monty. He's got Wayne Gretzky's face tattooed on his left buttcheek for a reason.

'I guess,' you say.

Eponine claps in delight. 'Yess! Ohmygod Y/N, it's going to be so much fun.'

*

You hate to concede it, but she's kind of right. The game is more fun than expected, plus Montparnasse is so delighted that you came that you just know you are getting ploughed for hours later.

Having done exactly zero research before going, you knew nothing about either of the teams. There was one face, though, that you instantly recognised.

'Wait,' you say, tugging on Montparnasse's sleeve. 'Is that... Gritty?'

'What? Oh, yeah. Guess you saw the memes, huh?'

You nod quickly. Ever since seeing tumblr posts about the hideous orange mascot, the thought of his dizzying eyes had stayed with you. You hadn't even realised it was a hockey thing. You can never tell Monty, but there's something sexually thrilling about Gritty, in an appalling way.

Now, you find your eyes following him. Is it your imagination, or is there something familiar about his frame? It's hard to tell under all the orange fluff, but his lumbering gait is oddly recognisable.

It's difficult to pay attention to the game after that. Monty is telling you about how power plays work, but your eyes keep seeking out Gritty wherever he is.

As soon as the first intermission begins, you know what you have to do. Mumbling something about going to the bathroom, you leave Montparnasse next to Eponine and Enjolras (who are snogging vigorously) and head at top speed to where you last saw the mascot.

It doesn't take long to find him. You see the back of his head over the crowd and your heart speeds up. Weaving through the other fans, you break through to the front and find yourself face to face with Gritty.

'Hey,' you say. For one long, horrible moment, he just stares at you, impassive and unblinking. Maybe you got it wrong? It could be some random guy in there, who has no idea who you are or why you sought him out.

'Y/N..?' Gritty says, softer than any such abomination should sound.

Your heart somersaults. It is him!

'We need to talk,' you say, oblivious to the confused fans surrounding the two of you. Gritty nods quickly and, taking your hand, leads you through a series of doors until you're safely enclosed in a store cupboard. Only then does he remove his head, hands trembling, and reveal his face.

'I thought I'd lost you,' you say, tracing one hand along his jaw.

'I'm sorry I left,' Valjean whispers. 'It was all so complicated. But you deserve better.'

'I can't believe you're here. Have you always been Gritty?'

He nods. 'It was a chance for a fresh start. I had to take it, Y/N. God, it's so good to see you.'

Leaning in, he kisses you passionately. It sends electricity through your entire body. You haven't felt like that in so long.

'I...' suddenly, you remember Montparnasse, dutifully waiting for you.

'What?' Valjean tenses, and then reads your mind, just like old times. 'You have a boyfriend?'

Shamefully, you nod. 'I know I should go back to him.'

'Do you want to?'

You shake your head. 'I want... I want you.'

A sudden, devilish smirk plays its way across Valjean's face. 'That can be arranged.'

He reaches to unzip his costume, but you stop him.

'Oh, no,' you say. 'Gritty costume says on during sex.'

[bittysvalentines]

fins to the left, fins to the right

rating: general categories: F/M words: 1.2k ship: charmer summary: “Caitlin is having a pretty horrific hockey game date. Things only seem to be worsening when they show up on the Sharks Kiss Cam.” tags: NHL Player Chris “Chowder” Chow, SJ Sharkie Chowder, Meet-Cute, Kiss Cam

read on ao3

to @loveyoutoobits

i hope you enjoy this as much as i enjoyed writing this! c: from @corgiberus (numberfifteenjersey on ao3)

Caitlin was on the worst date she had ever been on in her life. Her date, a lacrosse player she first met at college back in Massachusetts, invited her to a Sharks game, only to be engrossed in his phone nearly the entire time. Sure, she reasoned that things come up and you just can’t ignore it, but he had been chattering away into his phone literally the entire time. Would you not at least apologize to your date for something like that, and at the most just leave and let your date enjoy the game on their own for free and for their time?

He had tried, she supposed. He invited her to the game in the first place, although she wasn’t quite sure he remembered that she liked the Sharks; he was, after all, decked out in full Aces merch and memorabilia. Before the game, he bought them some nachos with salsa and queso to share and then both of them their own sodas; although, when she offhandedly wondered if they had ginger ale, he shrugged her off and bought her a Sprite instead. He had done it under the reasoning that it was the same as, or at least just as good as, ginger ale. Which, was absolutely wrong, but she was not about to get in a fight over carbonated drinks in the concession line when plenty of others were in line and wanted to get food as well.

Minus the Aces fan bit, and the thing about Sprite vs Ginger Ale, and the constant ignoring her for his phone, her date had been running pretty well. (Obviously, there wasn’t much else for her to go off of.) Things really soured when the Kiss Cam rolled around, though.

After two older couples, Caitlin and Chad happened to be the third couple to appear on the Sharks Kiss Cam. Catching a view of herself and her date on the big screen, Cait of course eagerly tried to get Chad’s attention.

“Chad! Chad, look!” Swatting his arm a few times playfully, Caitlin grinned in excitement as she hoped for her date notice their big screen debut. He easily brushed her off by giving her that ‘one-second’ hand signal, so she herself easily brushed that off. He’d set his phone down soon enough, they’d have their once-in-a-lifetime moment on the Kiss Cam, and everything about the date would be a-okay.

The Sharks crowd camera team passed through three more couples before Caitlin and Chad made a reappearance. Cait obviously tried again to get his attention, still wearing that eager and optimistic smile that she had had the first time around.

“Chad, it’ll take just one second! Just look up!”

“Hold on,” Chad scolded her lightly through gritted teeth, gesturing to her and then his phone with that ‘ one-second’ sign again before returning to his incessant chattering.

Fed up but not wanting to make a huge scene, she looked away and laughed it off. What was this date to him, a joke? An excuse to jabber incessantly beside her, as an amazing game between Las Vegas and San Jose went down below unbeknownst to him? What a prick, an absolute douche canoe, the biggest bag of dicks.

Five more couples got their chance. Then the embarrassing hockey date-gone-awry popped up once more. But this time around, Caitlin was not happy about her date’s oblivion to their appearance and was definitely unafraid to show the fact.

“Chad,” Caitlin repeated once more irritably, roughly jostling the jock to try and get his attention one last time for the Kiss Cam.

“What?!” He immediately and finally snapped, head moving away from his smartphone more than two inches for the first time in the entire game. “Good grief, Katy. It’s a damn important call, what could be so great or fantastic that you have to bother me three times!?”

Cait held her tongue on both explaining how strangely beautiful hockey could be and correcting him on her name. She could somehow sense the fact he even spelled it with a ‘K’ and a ‘y’ over a ‘C’ and an ‘ie’, which quite honestly ticked her off even more. This date had been absolutely horrendous, and she really wanted to cry, but she resisted. She was absolutely not, under zero circumstances, crying on the Kiss Cam. Instead, she just angrily huffed and fell back into her seat, trying hard not to crush the stupid Sprite that Chad thought would be the same as, or at least just as good as, ginger ale in her hand.

All of a sudden, though, SJ Sharkie stood beside their seats, and he quickly leaned over Cait in order to promptly smack Chad over the head. He then gently pulled Cait up from her seat, and sort of gestured toward her Sprite in order to take it from her to pour it over Chad’s head. She shook her head and pushed his gloved hand away, though, and then completely just upended the soda over his head before throwing the cup down to the ground.

Since his soda plan had fallen through, Sharkie instead took the remaining nachos with queso and salsa and threw them into Chad’s face with just as much as fire and force in it as Caitlin had had with her Sprite. Then, wanting to get the poor girl out of the situation as much as she did herself, Sharkie picked up a one singular Caitlin Farmer in a bridal-style carry and booked it up the stairs. Chad was thus left in the dust, still on screen for a moment, to assess damage to both his pride and his reputation.

Sharkie didn’t stop running with Cait in his arms until they were far enough from the scene of the crime to be safe, to which then he finally set the poor bewildered Sharks fan down.

“Are you okay?” The costumer finally spoke, huffing and puffing to himself slightly in overexertion.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Caitlin smiled. “Thanks for getting me out of there, that dude’s honestly a huge prick. I have no clue why I let him take me on a date.”

“More like he took his phone on a date and you just third-wheeled. Plus, it’s fine! I’m glad to have been your savior from an Aces’ fan.” Sharkie faux shuddered beneath the costume, clearly still sticking with the Las Vegas hating that the players carried.

“Well then, can I see my savior’s face? Gotta be able to put a face to the shark for my friends.“ Caitlin smirked, half amused by just talking to the wide-mouthed shark head of SJ Sharkie.

“Nuh-uh,” Sharkie shook his head, the mouth slightly bopping up and down with the movement, “Not while the game’s still on and I’m on SAP Arena grounds.”

“Oh, gotcha.” Caitlin hummed in understanding, despite a vague feeling of disappointment eating at her. “His name’s Chad. He played lacrosse for my college,” She explains without Sharkie even asking her, somehow sensing his curiosity even beneath the Sharkie exterior, “I played volleyball. Sports hookup, y'know?”

Sharkie barked out in laughter, immediately reminded of some two very close friends of his. “Yeah, I definitely know.” He grinned beneath the mascot head even though Cait couldn’t see it. “Hey, I have to go, but… can I give you my number? Maybe I can rescue you from more bad dates some other day.”

“Uh, yeah, sure.” Now it was Cait’s turn to laugh. “Hey, since you’re giving me your number, can I get your name? Feels weird just calling you, y'know. Sharkie.”

“Uh… just put me in as Shark Chowder. I can explain it later.”

[popfanatics]

A look at the NHL Mascot Pops coming out in October!

Pre-order EE: https://bit.ly/2M789m0

[displaygeek]

Gritty!!!! Coming Soon: Pop! Mascots - NHL #displaygeek https://www.instagram.com/p/B0Eode8ggCj/?igshid=11h4jpqtkd3j3

[barinacraft]

8 Purple Hooter Shots & Cocktails You Must Try

What's A Purple Hooter

The Purple Hooter cocktail is at a minimum, a three part recipe which always contains vodka and black raspberry liqueur, that's usually served as a shot. However, the third ingredient is not standard by any means and along with some recipes calling for a fourth or fifth mixer, this shot sometimes becomes a long drink as shown below.

The history of the Purple Hooter cocktail shot is unclear and as you'll see, there are many recipe variations of the drink. Here's some of the more common concoctions of this popular purple party potation, several of which go by other names including a few hue pay homage to a classic Jimi Hendrix song.

How To Mix The Purple Hooter(s)

Purple Hooter Drink Recipe:

2 oz vodka

½ oz raspberry liqueur

½ oz cranberry juice

½ oz lime juice

2 - 3 oz soda water

Add the first four ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake well and strain into a highball or Collins glass filled with ice. Top off with soda water. Garnish with lime wedge or skewered raspberries.

This formulation is probably the lightest tint out of all of these eight drink recipes and borders on lavender colored. The cranberry raspberry shot listed below is the darkest shade. If you give a hoot.

Purple Hooter Shooter:

2 oz vodka

½ oz raspberry liqueur

½ oz lime juice

Stir the vodka, raspberry liqueur and lime juice together with ice. Strain into a shot glass and serve. This shooter is sometimes called the purple kamikaze and might arguably be the most popular three ingredient hooter combination used.

Purple Hooter Shot Recipes:

2 oz vodka

½ oz raspberry liqueur .. mixed with:

½ oz sweet n sour - OR -

½ oz triple sec - OR -

½ oz lemon juice (sometimes called Grape Nehi* along with others) - OR -

½ oz lemon-lime soda (a.k.a purple haze, usually with lemon vodka) - OR -

½ oz cranberry juice (another version referred to as purple haze) - OR -

½ oz lime juice

½ oz simple syrup (yet another known as both a hooter and a haze)

Many of the proportions on these variations change as well. Anywhere from about 1:1:1 to a bit stiffer. You'll have to experiment to suit your own individual taste. What would Jimi do?

Plum Perfect Party Pairings

If you assume that the hooter in the name refers to an owl, which many do not, then this colorful cocktail may be best served as a fowl mouthed drink for a Baltimore Ravens themed football party or another amethyst adorned avian association. Sticking to professional sports though, their are handful of other teams with violet colors in their mascots and uniforms that would be plum perfect for pairing with a purple hooter as well. Birds of a different feather, so to speak.

In fact all four of the major professional sports leagues (MLB, NBA, NFL & NHL) have at least one team that sports purple colors in their uniforms. Baseball has the Colorado Rockies. Basketball has the Charlotte Hornets, LA Lakers, Phoenix Suns (who also play in the purple palace) and the Sacramento Kings in royal purple.

Football has the Baltimore Ravens and the Minnesota Vikings purple people eaters from the late 1960s to late 1970s. Hockey has the Los Angeles Kings who have worn the color on an off through many uniform changes.

Outside of the Purple Hooter, there are relatively few cocktails with this color. Another way to show team spirit or theme a tailgate party is with colored ice cubes. This will work with just about any clear or lightly colored cocktail and opens up a lot more possibilities for your party's drink menu as well.

References

* - A favorite of Corporal Radar O'Reilly of M*A*S*H, although he ordered the Grape Nehi (pronounced "knee high") soda pop from the bar at the Officer's Club, not the cocktail.

[bittlespie]

Hi hello I am a person who knows next to nothing about irl hockey except for what pops up on tumblr and I mostly have one question which is why are the blackhawks terrible? Google has been decidedly unhelpful.

Oooh I can talk about this for a good long while!  There are a lot of reasons why “Fuck the Blackhawks” is my life motto!  For starters they have an incredibly racist logo of a cartoon Native American, and a lot of their fans claim that Native Americans should be flattered to be used as a mascot, but like…it’s very much not.  The Blackhawks have been under fire for their logo for years, and just blatantly refuse to address it as an organization.  They even had a new logo designed for them by a First Nations artist and it’s sick as hell!  And they’re not even considering it -_-

(The left is the logo designed by a First Nations artist, and the right is their current logo.)

So reason number two would be good ole’ fuckstick Patrick Kane (often referred to here as P*trick K*ne or jut K*ne) 

TW for non-graphic rape mention:

So Patrick Kane had an interesting Summer.  By that I mean he raped a woman and the trial didn’t even go through.  The woman who had accused him eventually said the trial was putting too much stress on her and her family and “stopped cooperating with the investigation” which a good deal of people believe means that Patrick Kane was either intimidating her or the Blackhawks as an organization were using their joint resources to provide legal help for Kane.  The Blackhawks and NHL as an organization didn’t really even address the situation and it was very frustrating to watch him not even have to go through a trial, much less be punished at all.

This was not a first time offense for Kane either.  He has a history of violence, such as choking a girl at a party, forcing another girl at a party to kiss him, and punching/choking a cab driver over 20 cents (the cab driver didn’t have the correct change and was short by 20 cents.  This was also a 62 year old man, mind you.)

A lot of hawks fans play this off as him being a “wild child” and it’s been suggested that he might have a drinking problem, the Blackhawks going as far to offer to get Kane into addiction counseling, but he refused and insisted he didn’t have a drinking problem.  My thought on this personally is that he was 26 when the rape case happened…he was a fully grown adult, no room for error there.  Getting photographed as wildly drunk in public is one thing.  Assaulting someone is a whole other ballgame….

So in conclusion the Blackhawks are shitty for refusing to even comment on their culturally appropriative logo, and continuing to support and defend and even fucking GLORIFY Patrick Kane when in reality he’s a giant bag of dragon dicks.  -\(0_0)/-

So sorry if that was a little biased, but here are some other articles about the whole shebang if you wanted the opinion of someone who doesn’t despise the blackhawks as much as I do

http://www.espn.com/chicago/nhl/story/_/id/11110679/chicago-blackhawks-logo-requires-continued-conversation-team-identity-versus-appropriation

http://chicagoist.com/2015/11/19/culturally_appropriate_blackhawks_l.php

http://www.stanleycupofchowder.com/2013/6/9/4411224/chicago-blackhawks-boston-bruins-stanley-cup-finals-jerk-patrick-kane  (this one hurts because I love Tyler Seguin so much, I’ll count it as him being an ignorant youth

http://johnapedia.blogspot.com/2014/06/why-patrick-kane-still-deserves-your.html

This last article is kind of gritty about the rape charges, so be warned.  

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-patrick-kane-rape-case-decision-20151105-story.html

(PS, I like your icon, I play clarinet and saxophone!  :D)

[paradoxicalca]

(OC) Dundon DIYs the Hurricanes (An Alternate Reality)

(Previous parts of this series include: Re-Chiarelling the Oilers, Moneyballing the Sens, Covertly Tanking the Wild, and Frenchifying the Canadiens.)Part I"Okay losers listen up!"This wasn't the first time team owner Tom Dundon had greeted the Carolina Hurricanes' analytics department this way, but they did not know that this was the first time he had gotten the office number right on his first try. After a long season the marketing department and janitors were no longer taken aback by these frequent interruptions."I've just had a brilliant idea. No doubt we had a good season last year, couple sell outs, good shit all around. But we gotta bring it to the next level okay? Now answer this question: what sells in sports?"One brave analyst answered: "Winning?" "Superstars?" offered another.Dundon shook his head in disbelief. "What? No, sex, you nerds, ever have it? Sex sells. We've got eyeballs on these games now but to get people really caring about this team we need to get a full roster of real dimes. Handsome motherfuckers. What do hockey players call attractive people?"A pause."Sir, none of us have actually played hockey before.""I think the guys on Letterkenny call them rockets?"Dundon clapped and pointed at him. "Alright, there we go, we need more rockets in our locker room than fucking NASA." Then he turned around, kicked over a garbage can, and disappeared through the door.The analytics department wasted no time in devising algorithms and stats to quantify player attractiveness. Very quickly a vicious divide emerged between two measurements: the Cool or Rugged Sexiness Indicator (CORSI) and the Foxiness-Expressing Number which Indexes Cute Kings (FENWICK). It all came down to type and preference: CORSI adherents argued for strong, bearded, often Canadian players, while FENWICK fanatics extolled the virtues of prettier players, usually non-threatening Scandinavians. It was eventually acknowledged that these met at the Strapping, Handsome and Rather Pretty (SHARP) intersection, but nonetheless conflict still raged. After a day of furious debate it was decided that they would deliver Dundon a roster split between the three categories:Filip Forsberg (+6.5 FENWICK) - Tyler Seguin (+3.5 SHARP) - Brock Boeser (+4.7 SHARP) Gabriel Landeskog (+8.5 FENWICK) - Adam Henrique (+3.7 CORSI) - Leon Draisaitl (+5.6 SHARP) Tom Wilson (+4.3 CORSI) - Alex Wennberg (+7.5 FENWICK) - Blake Wheeler (+3.8 CORSI) Marcus Foligno (+3.4 CORSI) - Elias Lindholm (+5.6 FENWICK) - Andre Burakovsky (+3.4 FENWICK) Roman Josi (+7.4 FENWICK) - Erik Karlsson (+6.8 FENWICK) Shea Weber (+4.5 CORSI) - Kris Letang (+7.2 SHARP) Brady Skjei (+4.6 SHARP) - Erik Gudbranson (+3.9 CORSI) Henrik Lundqvist (+8.2 SHARP) Braden Holtby (+3.6 CORSI) Proud of themselves, but feeling somewhat uncomfortable, the analytics team printed out this list and called Dundon to come back and retrieve it.When he arrived he looked at it and smiled "Great work, alright, and this algorithm is all loaded on the computer over there?""Yes sir""Okay great, thanks guys, you're fired, best wishes"As each of the analysts grumpily gathered their laptops and Funko Pops into cardboard boxes and left PNC Arena, Dundon folded the list into a paper airplane and yelled "Hey Don! You still work for me?"The veteran manager walked into the office. "Yes, Tom, I still do."Dundon fired the paper airplane directly at Waddell's forehead and it fell to the floor. "This is a list of players, I'm gonna need you to trade for these guys ASAP, got it?"Waddell muttered through gritted teeth something like "...never in Atlanta...""Oh yeah you turtle-looking motherfucker? Well why don't you go and work for them then? You're fired, fuckface."By the end of the day, Dundon had fired everyone he could find in the building. Then he sat down at the computer that had the handsomeness algorithm loaded onto it. Google Chrome was open. These fuckers had been using the internet at work? He wished he could fire them again. But he noticed the website on the screen."What the hell is HFBoards?"_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Part IIThis site was incredible - Dundon didn't realize there were so many hockey fans. But here they all were, speculating on rumours, constructing rosters, and, most incredibly, proposing trades. He had been paying out the ass all year for front office staff and yet there were thousands of people on this website coming up with trades for free. He felt like a kid on Christmas morning - receiving gifts without having to give anything to anyone else. He completely forgot about the handsomeness list he'd asked for just a few hours before.Just then a social media intern who had been in the washroom when he dismissed the rest of her department poked her head into the room. Dundon immediately tried to fire her (he knew how to use Twitter, why was he paying someone to do it?) but it turned out she actually wasn't getting paid anything. So he recruited her to a new project."I need you to record every trade proposal our fans have made on this website this summer."And she did.1. Justin Faulk for Antti Raanta 2. James Riemer for Martin Jones (1 million retained) 3. Warren Foegele and a 2nd for Nikita Gusev "That's it? Alright well hold on, I'll get these done quick then."But when he called that lanky dork in Arizona whose name he couldn't remember and offered him the first deal, he was hung up on immediately. The same thing happened twice more."What the hell is going on?""Well," the intern started, "it seems like our fans might overvalue our players a bit.""We made the fucking third round, all our players should have value out the ass! How am I supposed to know how much I can get for these guys?""Well, there's a kind of thread on this forum called 'Value Of:' where you name a player and people tell you what they'd be willing to trade for them.""Perfect, make one of those and I'll start hitting the phones."​Edmonton Oilers @OilersNHLTRADE ALERT: The #Oil acquire D Dougie Hamilton from the #Canes in exchange for Jesse Puljujarvi and Kris Russell​Toronto Maple Leafs @MapleLeafs#Sportschek Transaction Alert: Maple Leafs have acquired D Brett Pesce, RW Teuvo Teravainen, and C Martin Necas from the Hurricanes in exchange for RW Mitch Marner​"This is so easy, no one's even trying to negotiate with me! I can't believe I kept that old fuck around for so long."​Montreal Canadiens @CanadiensMTLWELCOME TO MONTREAL @SebastianAho!#Habs receive C @SebastianAho in exchange for C Max Domi, D Cale Fleury, and a 2020 1st.Les #Habs reçoivent Sebastian Aho en échange de Max Domi, Cale Fleury et un choix de 1er ronde.​Vancouver Canucks @sabresWE HAVE A TRADE TO ANNOUNCE #GoCanucksGoCanucks have acquired RW Andrei Svechnikov from @NHLCanes in exchange for D Chris Tanev and a 2020 2nd round pick​Buffalo Sabres @sabresSabres have acquired D Jaccob Slavin from CAR for RW Sam Reinhart​Pittsburgh Penguins @penguinsThe Penguins have acquired D Trevor van Riemsdyk for D Jack Johnson #letsgopensEpilogueThat fall, the fans at PNC Arena thought they were buying tickets to hockey games, but what they got was even more impressive: a one-man show. They would hear Tom Dundon announce the starting lineups ("Why am I playing some asshole to read a script?") and sing the national anthem. ("This isn't a fucking talent show, and people say I have a great voice.") They'd see him run up and down the aisles serving popcorn and drinks, and even interact with children as the new mascot ("Look kid, you want a fuckin' high five or not? Okay, quit hugging me you fuckin' perv."). Long after the games were done, an exhausted Dundon could be found sweeping up trash. It almost wasn't worth it. But at the end of the night, when he looked at the balance sheet and the single employee expense - the NHL had refused his request to drive the Zamboni himself - he was filled with a quiet comfort.As the team tumbled down the standings, Dundon barely noticed. He didn't have much time to watch the games anyway, and he only looked at the scoreboard when one of the pixels went out and he had to fix it. But there came a point, with the season finally done, when he realized that he had barely had a second of free time all year. His hair was turning white from a lack of sleep. Worst of all, there hadn't been anyone to fire in months. But then he realized something else. As he walked into the bathroom with a mop, he stared at his gaunt face in the mirror, took a deep breath and whispered"You're fired"He suddenly felt an exhilarating freedom wash over him. Then he put down his mop, walked outside, breathed in fresh air for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, and just began to walk. He was never seen again.​Next time: Jim Rutherford decides to deal with his Tom Wilson problem once and for all. (OC) Dundon DIYs the Hurricanes (An Alternate Reality) Source