#pomerainian | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fiascox0xo · 5 months ago

Text

Maybe I could have faced the person who abused me as a little kid if I had these dogs ?

I may be 32 - the first time was when I was 3…. And idk if anything will come of it- but I hope you know I’ve never been the same since you did what you did - Shawn Lockwood footballer99 from chino hills California. I was an innocent child. My cptsd is controlling my life. I’m a recovering addict clean for over six years now, and in therapy and I found a photo of you holding me - like grabbing my arms while I tried to get away from you on a family trip - I want this anger to leave so I can heal. How can it do that when I wonder if me staying quiet means people don’t know what a monster you are,…. How you sexually abuse kids and abuse the power your family had over my family . I’m autistic and I trusted you and I was able to be controlled easily. I forgive MYSELF for being in a situation where I was abused even though it’s not my fault. YOU ASSAULTED ME MULTIPLE TIMES. I was always under the age of ten since I moved state that year.

I have never forgotten. It has affected my whole life and every relationship. I hope if you’re married your wife finds out about this & I hope you don’t have little girls…. pedophiles… even at 17 you should’ve known better- & the adults knew it happened once and allowed it to happen again. Everyone should be responsible for not protecting me! I was adopted I couldn’t make a big deal and you knew that. You preyed on me and I hate you for it. I fucking hate you so much and that makes me hate myself because I’m not this kind of person. I would never hurt someone or wish ill on anyone I want people to grow and heal and learn and be better. But I don’t believe pedos can be better…. I don’t think people who hurt animals, kids, elderly, or disabled people deserve forgiveness - they deserve prison & justice from karma. They shouldn’t be allowed to hide out in isolation either - people should know why they’re there.

I remember all the times by the way. Except the one time in my bed I room- I remember thinking the house was haunted . My brain changed that night to me seeing a ghost and over the years my mind added more to the story and looking back- I see how my memory was cut out and missing pieces and the “ghost” was a man’s shadow moving pens around at my desk that walked up to my bed and I pulled the blankets over my head- when I looked out again the shadow was back by the desk… then all I remember was sleeping in my parents room and my dogs always being outside my room and theirs upstairs anytime I walked into their room bc I got scared. This is why I’m scared of what lurks in the dark. Bc I’ve never been scared of monsters- just humans like you.

You’re why I have never dated a Shawn no matter how much I liked them- I wonder if you assaulted Yvette too- that little girl from Arizona who was my age… I hope no one else got hurt because I never got a chance to take you to court. My parents should’ve fought you and your rich family. But my mom had to quit that job after YOUR mom said I was lying. I’m sure you knew that- what little kid wouldn’t go with you when you threaten to shut off my movie and tell them I was being bad…. You knew what you were doing was sick- otherwise you wouldn’t have blindfolded me. You didnt like my umbilical hernia so you had my keep my shirt on when you had me on your bed - every other time was you making me do things to you in that bathroom but that tine was different. maybe your girlfriend that lived nextdoor with the cow wasnt ready to hook up so you went with the 5-7 year old kid who was just crawling around on the couches abd piano bench pretending she was a cat in aristrocats.

we went on family out of state vacations together and my brother was around your age. didnt go to the same school bc Chino Hills is for rich people like you and the inground pool & the springer spaniels you guys kept outside and bred - only letting the pomerainian dog inside , with the african grey parrot umbrella cockatoo that you eventually got as well. You had a big saltwater tank with sharks that I remember your mom killing by putting in a bag and then putting in the fucking freezer cause you guys didn't want them anymore you guys like these statues and fountains all around your yard they looked like those Greek white marble statues obviously made of cement and you had like a gazebo. I remember always feeling like I was in some kind of movie or like a princess or playing mermaids in that pool or having to jump in the pool and get away from the big scary dog Tonka, you threatened to turn off the movie or whatever Disney movie I was watching on your giant TV .

my parents wanna think I don't remember. But I have a photographic memory and can literally play movies in my fucking head. I can watch whole episodes here whole songs. I can see places I fucking been and while I don't get to remember things like a photographic memory and just be like a smart doctor my PTSD likes to make me maladaptive daydream of things. Sometimes we spent a lot of time at house and family. I remember your stupid hobo business and the statue guy that was made out of wood. You guys used as a coat hanger. I ripped up all the pictures of my ex-boyfriend because I thought that would heal if I never had to see your face again that would duplicate someplace .

and the other night thats where I found the photos ��of you GRABBING ONTO My arms tried to run away.

hindsight 2020 obviously. Somebody thought that that was a cute picture when they took it some trip up in Oregon. I think we went to see a Dodgers game. I remember the park we were at and like the stairs going down to the swing and your mom or the Palm Springs house you guys had with all the creepy pictures of clowns and the pool room cement was. I know this is rambling and it's mostly me just trying to work out why I feel so triggered right now. I'm 3000 miles away from you. I haven't had to actually see you. I got to grow up and try to have a normal life I'm sure that's what my parents wanted to just pretend shit didn't happen. Brains are formed before the age of six you made sure that mine was really extra fucked up really hard to damage you caused and that is really hard to do because my autism ADHDCPTSD and my depression has made that extremely hard. Like I said I'm a recovering addict as well and I'm doing really well in that regard. Life is good. I'm happy for the most part, but I do have chemical and balances in my brain and I am on medication and therapy. I wish I could get the specialized therapy after, seeing how I need to fix the wiring in my brain. I have lived my life on high alert fighter flight mode when I was a little kid I was caught off guard so bad that my brain decided to never let it happen again and now I catastrophize and always think of the worst possible thing and I'm paranoid and I am always wondering who's out to get me or who's gonna hurt me or I'm trusting the wrong people or domestic violence relationship so whatever

while it is not My fault I'm like this, it is my responsibility to fix it.

you never had to do anything to make it up to me or try to make this right

you probably got to live your life like nothing ever fucking happened.

you had no consequences for being a sick pedophile fuck, you could have been hurting others this entire time . and idk how to live with myself if thats true. All the adult knew you sexually abused me, your family knew we couldbt afford court we were barely getting by & my mom was working for yours at that Hobo company. with della and the other computer ladies in that office thru the garage over to the right past the in home BAR 🙄

i found photos of you in your football uniform number 99 i remember that hanging in a car was that also the year you graduated? i wonder if youd be someobe who would apologize, would you try to guilt me by saying your rich family was terrible to you, or you were bullied for being fat, or your girlfriend of years didnt wanna have sex and "boys will be boys" - or my fav excuse 'i found god ive changed' line? or would you deny it? would you try to gaslight me? or threaten to sue for defamation? even though everything is true so its not defamation is it?

I dont know if there limitations on how long rape cases last before you cant go after people,… i was three, i was five, i was seven… i was in california til i was ten. i started bringing friends with me or hanging out with my mom in the office to avoid you. i wish i got a chance to face you in court i wish my parent put me into therapy. when it first happened.

some comments from my parents as i have started to talk about this.

"you cant remember that you were three/youre confused & must be thinking of a movie"

"you never told me what happened when i asked about it, so how was i supposed to know" -dad

"i sent dad to talk about what happened and you didn't tell him anything else. we made sure he(shawn) was never alone with you again after that. So obviously you must be remembering wrong"

why would a three-year-old girl want to tell a man even if it is her dad what just happened after another man sexually assaulted her. I was a fucking toddler. Everybody knows you have a female officer. Talk to a victim. After something happens. My mom should been having that conversation, but she's not having uncomfortable conversations, if I make her comfortable, she stop talking about stuff like this anytime I bring it up. She gets upset and mad and we don't talk about it anymore because I get upset and rightfully so we have to change the topic..

I love both of my parents and obviously it's not their fault What happened? The only real person to blame is the person who did it. however i was let down and not protected by my parents or the other adults like SHAWNS PARENTS who were supposed to be like really close family friends? how I even had this one springer spaniel growing up she was like three days younger than me. She was a gift to my dad from these people. One of the dogs that they kept outside. I never fucking understood like yeah they had a cover and like a place to get out of the rain, but I swear that gardener paid more attention to the dogs than the owners & it made me sad. looking back that was probably backyard breeding.

if i didnt move i wonder if i would've ever been brave enough to face you in court. i used to be so insecure bc of my body, the umbilical hernia was like a grey/purple outtie bellybutton & i was weird & had few friends bc i struggled to fit in. (i know now im actually ❤️‍🩹❣️autistic 🥰) i was adopted and already struggled with ALL RELATIONSHIPS and abandonment issues - i felt like my family could decide to give me back & i wasnt adopted officially until i was six ? you had already R4P3D/sexually assaulted at least 2-3 times between ages 3-5… and just because i remember the time in your bedroom, kinda mine, and the bathroom blindfold thing(i felt so stupid for believing you had a pet snake that lived in the wall and was scared of people so i had to have a blind fold on- i loved reptiles and animals - i feel dumb even typing this i know i was just a kid and autistic and believe people wouldnt lie to me like that… i was giving him hand jobs maybe even gave it a kiss (not a bj) and by the 4-5time you let me not have on the blindfold…. so now as an adult any trouser snake jokes or one eyed snake jokes really mess me up. I struggle with sex. I struggle with body dysmorphia. I’ve had eating disorders my whole life because i think i was so afraid of looking like you. I did end up gaining weight in recovery I was 210 lbs and now im down fluxes between 140-130 and that’s cool I wanna get in shape and start building my muscles and tone up- I want to get fit so I can defend myself if I ever have to but also I want to live and be happy and free. I want to take care of my body because I love myself.

I turned out to be a kind person. I got sexually abused by other people after you because you made me an easier target. Hell the first person I told about you doing that shit was my best friend and neighbor - a girl a year older than me - who was also being abused at home by her brother and her cousin at the very least. Her brother also had me sit on his lap in a creepy way and she got jealous bc he was giving me attention… :/ she wasn’t bad, she was a kid who didn’t deserve it either. But I was left alone a lot & my parents lived my neighbor ( more than me I felt bc she wasn’t so weird and broken like me- she was neurotypical I think… idk if we were ever really friends bc she wasn’t nice to me in front of her other friends at school they were cool and pretty and I was the weird girl who played fairy’s over by the willow tree alone with maybe 1-3people at the height of the club maybe 5-6? lol but they didn’t stay long. Just me & my other good friend who moved schools too. (Sorry for adhd sidetrack)

I figured no one would really read all this.

If you got this far and know anything about legal stuff & like statute of limitations of sexual abuse of a minor ? Idk or if you have resources available.

I just want to be the loving peaceful person I wanna be. I wanna heal and live and stop letting my CPTSD , borderline personality disorder , (and my HSP highly sensitive persons of autism) control me. Detaching and “letting go” and like “not caring” isn’t possible for me yet. I can’t use whatever “compartmentalization “ people tell me to lol. I got here because my trauma brain PROTECTED ME by blocking it out because I was 3yo when it first happened. I have so much toxic shame and issues with dealing with embarrassing stuff lol . I am aware to grow I have to feel uncomfortable in the new things I’m doing.

comfort ≠ safety

Familiarity ≠ Love/connection

Also most importantly

“Fitting in” ≠ Belonging

“Fitting in” is actually the opposite of belonging. Because to belong is to be accepted as you are. But to “fit in” you remove pieces of yourself , and add bits of other people to make yourself the right shape 🧩 to fit someplace…. You water yourself down and cut yourself up… you have to change in unhealthy ways to “fit in” with people you don’t truly belong with. You’re not going to feel truly appreciated, loved, accepted, or safe there I promise. I know because that was every relationship my entire life I spent masking. I spent studying and learning to portray myself as normal and neuro typical as possible. However that included my relationships that involved sex - and because of my childhood trauma and NEVER GETTING HELP FOR IT PROFESSIONALLY (mom said “no dating at all” & my dad knew id do it anyway so he let me so i would actually tell him the truth -mostly) so i believed my only job as a girlfriend/partner is to give & to make them happy however i had to. Sex has always been performative on some level - whether it’s the way I look, how I sound, how I act, what moves I do or whatever, I studied porn and movies and people & I am playing a role - not as if I’m not enjoying the sex in a healthy relationship or anything - but my kind won’t allow me to just be- I have to make sure THEYRE SATISFIED. I have learned I’m only as good as what I can offer. And if I have no job, money, or house or whatever to bring to the table, the only way I was taught to repay the kindness is giving my body away- because men only want sex right?

I’ve been told by every single insecure man I ever dated that I have ZERO real friends - men aren’t friends with women ever - unless they’re gay- they want to fuck them & absolutely would fuck them 💯% of the time. Basically saying they have no female friends they wouldn’t fuck and that they’re only waiting their turn and they don’t care about my problems or anything they’re only using me and being fake nice. Like my friendship isn’t worth having & then when I lost all my friendships over the years it made me wonder if maybe they were right kinda not in a “they only wanted sex with me “ (bc really I don’t think they would’ve?) but I genuinely loved some of those guys like brothers - I would’ve taken a bullet for them or did time for them, I was always so jealous of male friendships - the “bros before hoes” thing and like they just fist fight it out have a beer and they’re friends again. No fake ass Frienemies , no only being nice to you bc they’re bullying you & trying to steal your friends/boyfriend/life (happened more than once with girls) or a friend who secretly hates them and sabotages/talks shit about them all the time. Or just like having a group of friends who never liked you but you genuinely thought they did but they were bullying and laughing AT YOU . You weren’t paranoid they were joking about you,….

I struggled with female friendships because my first bestie was also my one of my abusers who’s sexually experiment on me /make me do things to her. She knew all about sex and swear words & we’d be doing really inappropriate things to eachother (I knew it was wrong and didn’t want to but she was like my only friend and I mean my parents never caught us so it just kept happening - maybe she was making sense of what was going on with her ,… but we had lots of games that involved being tied up and stuff and then kidnapping & torture(giving the other orgasms… idk how my parents never saw anything, I remember them saying it was weird we closed the blinds in the playhouse…. I almost got caught a few times. I guess after I told them about Shawn at dinner one night - they all got super upset and LITTLE KIDS DONT HAVE THE ABILTY TO UNDERSTAND YOU ARENT MAD AT THEM. When parents get mad or do or say bad hurtful things children can not use rational logic bc their brains aren’t formed yet- they will believe THEY THEMSELVES ARE TO BLAME FOR BEING INHERENTLY BAD. So my toxic Shame spiral began- my parents liked her better than me. My mom always said “you’re never going to have any friends when you grow up because you’re such a brat. No one will ever wanna be with you” or her and my friend and me would play a board game & I’d be losing and get upset , and be called a sore loser but they’d be rubbing it in my face that they’re winning and that’s not wrong? 😑 she favored her and I was bullied by my friend . I felt left out.

One time for my birthday I had a party bigger than I wanted and they shoved my face in the cake in front of everyone I cried because it wasn’t funny - my mom said I ruined my party by crying and it wasn’t a big deal at all and I should stop being a baby.

My feelings are not valid to them.

I feel so invisible and unseen here

it doesn't matter how many posts I share or how many links I can send to their text or messenger or whatever I have tried so hard to educate people on what is going on with my brain thinking that if they loved me, they would take the time to fucking research themselves because I know I would and have when they had health conditions. I also know that going around expecting people to have the same kind of heart you do is going to get you hurt but being a highly sensitive person. It is really hard not to take things personally because it's like I would've done that for you or I would've never done that to you so I could turn my feelings off sometimes because its either 0-100 there's no in between. it's black or white, thinking all in or all out and my borderline controls my emotions even when my brain logically knows what I'm doing is not OK or what I said was hurtful or that this fight is stupid and I should stop. I can't in the moment because it takes a lot of practice and therapy to work through borderline personality disorder it's a personality disorder that affects everything I do and the things that happened to me when I was a little kid affect me because my brain was developing and you learn how to be a person before the age of six there's just a lot of intertwined shit, BPD and complex post traumatic stress disorder or CPTSD and ADHD and autism have a lot of overlapping symptoms, co-morbidity. have had lots of diagnoses, including anxiety, depression, bipolar because of my suicide attempt obviously drug induced schizophrenia when I was in active addiction and alcoholism. I was also houseless during addiction because I was living on the streets with one of my abusive ex-boyfriend, who was also an addict. I was constantly dating people dating emotionally unavailable people or emotionally unintelligent people because they could not commit. I have been trying to heal my inner child and these wounds by replaying them over and over and over with the wrong people in order to be a secure attached person you have to be able to heal your inner child and your loving parent . " adult, children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families." has been a godsend of Group. I had to make it through years of actual drug groups and everything like intensive outpatient but for the most part addicts are people who are just trying to self medicate other problems they're trying to escape pain or reality or cope with some mental illness, they are not inherently evil people. It's really sad to me because I lost so many amazing people addiction. People who made this world brighter place, but it's often people with good heart end up choosing poison that slowly kill themselves because they can't handle the pain of being a good person when the world is so cold.

I have been so betrayed and screwed over in this life by people. I never thought would do it to me people that I loved unconditionally and would've died for did me dirtier than anything I could've ever imagined. worst of all, I have abandoned and betrayed myself over and over again every time I choose to not be myself authentically. Every time I showed up for work masking, pretending to be normal and not calling out the racist trans phobic motherfuckers that came into my store my therapist said my job was morally wounding me every single day, because I worked for a company that supported the genocide that is happening in Palestine. Or because I had discrimination against me and my ADHD time, blindness, autism and being deaf or constantly being misunderstood and said that I'm being rude when I genuinely was not or I constantly get told that I'm fighting and arguing or questioning authority when I'm just asking questions for clarity because I need to know information my brain works differently than other peoples and it is scientifically proven that when you grow up in a Neurotypical society, as a neurodivergent person, you are going to experience so much trauma just from trying to fit in because regardless of what other people think I knew my whole life something was wrong. I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like everybody else got a fucking map or a rule book and I swear if I could find my old diaries, I would show you the entries. I always felt like I was a misprint or defective product that if I was found out, I would be sent back to the machine factory and be destroyed or replaced. mental Health was so taboo it's not like it was ever looked at a place like a doctor that supposed to make you feel better didn't we talk about things that were uncomfortable bottling things up just doesn't work for me so I want my laundry I wanna be open and honest about all the things I've been through because I know what it's like to be alone and not have anybody to talk to you about it.

i know i am someone i wouldve ran to as a child for safety. that matters.

we are every age we ever were still. i am still the three-year-old who thought there was a ghost in my room. I'm still the five-year-old who didn't want their movie shut off or to get in trouble with her mom for causing problems at her workplace or embarrassing her in front of her friends still. 20 something-year-old who woke up to being raped on my birthday in 2018. or who woke up being raped during the day when i thought it was safe to sleep outside :( who then got beat up by my then fiance who robbed me of 100$(then got mad i called him on it bc he got it stollen by someone bc he was a bad dude who owed money idk but he got mad and i received the biggest beating i had ever gotten by him- i couldnt breathe without my ribs hurting bc they were bruised or cracked idk. i couldnt wear a bra for weeks - and at the time i wanted to no longer be alive because i was in constant pain just existing- breathing laying sitting bending ugh it was awful(i took a drink mix bottle $1 out his bag to use bc i wanted a drink with flavor he took my money lol- i figured itd be NBD but he flipped out (i should've known better lol meth heads and women beaters dont thibk logocally) but he had his hands around my neck and i told him to finish me off - the look in his eyes was terrifying bc he was having fun being in control- this was the only time he touched me anymore so i was so touch starved i would rather be hit than ignored. i loved that jerk so much back then. i just wanted to be loved. i thought he was my ride or die. but he was a narcissistic sociopath. he only cared about himself, drugs & money. he cared more about what strangers thought of him & what new people could offer , that even though i was willing to do anything for him, and was loyal and only wanted us to finally get out place together, he asked me to marry him with a bs ring to shut me up, but i thought he really loved me. i thought we got each other. truth was i tolerated so much horrible behavior and disrespect & he was racist, selfish, cheater, liar, manipulator. he enjoyed hurting me and making me cry. i thought if i showed him how much i care & how much i tried, if i stay loyal and keep helping him however i can he will SEE IM GENUINELY IN LOVE AND HE WILL PICK ME & see i wont abandon him & will be us against the world.

thats not what happens ever btw.

you show them you will allow that disrespect and any and all worse levels of disrespect too.

you staying shows you are okay being lied to, zmade fun of in front of others, like the time he said something like "hey you know ______this piece of info that apparently everyone knows isnt true "because common sense"(im autistic and BELIEVED MY FIANCE WOULDNT LIE TO ME?) ——- the sky is actually red because of science" <— not what was said but basically how it always went.

I would believe him and ask more questions because i looked at him like he was smart and i trusted him. and i asked him not to abandon me or like ostracize me in the new place…. but he made an absolute fool out of me - showed all the strangers i was gonna spend god knew how long with , that my own fiance didnt respect me & they didnt have to either. and they didnt. he would rob or rip me off, leave me sick af alone & crying & he would berate me like its my fault… he made friends and cut me out and left me to fend for myself after swearing he wouldnt. i was 2k miles away from anyone i knew or trusted and he continuously betrayed me over and over because i kept going back and believing him. he cried once when i was done and trying to leave. i found out he lied about the girl he said meant nothing hed been seeing her the entire year still- wouldny block her or tell her we were engaged but said he was doing everything we were just without me. bc he cared about her more then me.

people will use you because you let them

people treat you how you allow them to

healthy boundaries matter and are an invitation into your life- not a dismissal. its the persons choice to respect you enough to listen.

i stayed with men who never loved me at all.

i slept with people bc it was the only way to feel close to them. they were closed off and had no intentions on letting me in- they just wanted to control me, manipulate the situation, get all the attention for their ego & the benefits of being loved and adored without having to put in effort. they liked how i made them feel but i dont believe they ever liked me. I love me though i like me too i tried really hard to make myself keep loving after my heart got broken . i stayed kind and a romantic who believes in love and the goodness of people … "we may not all be here to evolve though- some are here to show us what happens if we dont"

i am trying to cope with how angry i am.

i was a child and was meant to be protected.

i wasnt prepared for real life at a either because of my parents inability to sit in the uncomfortable-ness and have conversations that NEEDED TO BE HAD. dont protect your kids in a way that shelters them , prepare them , with kindness - you can teach them to be strong and smart without breaking them. you should be a safe place for your child. you shouldnt make them feel like their existence bothers you- or blame them for making you crazy…. lol because really you are the ones who raised me- so dont put your low ass emotional IQ/EQ intelligence on me. i put work in. ive trained algorithms to be full of self help and animals to make me happy and heal. i am grateful for the people i have, my pets, my life & recovery & for my partner who has been AMAZING - literally idk what id have done if i didnt have you to help me stay grounded and how you supoort me through all of this and make me feel loved and appreciated and like you actually want me for me and not just sex. <3 the fact youre so nonjudgmental of my past and traumas. im the luckiest person ever & am glad i finally got a chance to have a partner like you. heres to the time ahead together <3 2months soon ^_^

yep this was me trying to end on a high note <3 i need to be grateful in recovery <3 and i am. today is lovely, sitting outside in the sun with the pup, trying to get this off my chest and hoping it stays hidden on my page. ive never said all this outloud before .

thanks to whoever read all that.

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