#pmdd makes me 12 again

[kazooie]

Asuka Langley Sorry you

[takamimami]

Hello!

Congratulations on your 100 followers 🥳!!!!!

I'd like to ask you Kid with prompt 12: "You make me a better person." f!reader please 😉

Hi anons!! I apologize for this taking so long - I got hit with some vicious PMDD the past two weeks and had ZERO motivation to do anything at all, let alone write. I wanted to make sure I could give you something I was proud of - and I can gladly say that I did just that :3 I hope you enjoy the read, and thanks again for your submissions!!

Kidd x F!Reader - SFW - "You make me a better person." - STORY UNDER THE CUT CW: FLUFF; kidd proposes, bro is a bumbling idiot in the cutest way ever, I'm so hopelessly in love with him help me, gentle kidd will be the death of me ---word count 1.7k

It’d been four days since you’d seen Kidd.

Four days.

The occasional disappearance of your captain had come to be expected, seeing as the man needed his alone time to decompress from time to time, but four days were impressive even for him.

Especially considering that the entire time the crew had been out at sea, meaning you were never more than a few yards away from him at any given point. 

You’d begun to contemplate asking Killer if he had fallen overboard without anyone noticing when a disheveled head of red hair burst into the kitchen, grumbling in Killer’s direction and motioning for him to follow him.

You stood up and Kidd’s eyes snapped to you, the intensity in them causing your step to falter. When you stopped moving his eyes shifted to Killer, who then turned to face you and reached an arm out to rest a hand on your shoulder.

“Y/N, listen,” he starts, and Kidd disappears through the door as he blocks you from following after him.

“This isn’t going to make any sense, but just… don’t follow him right now, okay?” 

Your brows furrowed and you inhaled deeply to protest, but Killer continued before you had a chance to offer your rebuttal.

“I know,” he sighs, hands waving in the air in front of him, “I know. He’s… I don’t even know what to tell you is up with him right now. Just, leave him be for a bit longer, okay?”

The concern must have been evident on your face because Killer returned his hand to your shoulder, rubbing it in an attempted reassuring gesture.

“Did… did I do something?” Your voice was shaky with concern, but much to your surprise Killer lets out a laugh at your question.

A laugh.

“Technically… yes,” he chuckles, and despite your confusion, the answer manages to loosen the tension that had built in your shoulders.

“Just… trust me, okay? I promise you it will be worth the wait.”

You swear you can see him wink at you through his mask as he turns and walks out of the kitchen and toward where Kidd disappeared.

You took a deep breath before returning to your task at hand, and once you’d finished the dishes you wiped down the counters before heading up to the crow’s nest to relieve Bubblegum for the night.

You brought a book with you to distract you from the nagging thoughts of Kidd, but it did little to calm the tempest of thoughts swirling in your head. You found yourself replaying your last encounters with your lover in your head to try to figure out what had triggered this reaction from him, but you came up empty-handed with every scenario, inevitably ending up flipping through the pages of your book as you desperately try to get a grip of your mind.

You continue this cycle until the sun finally starts to peek up over the edge of the water and House greets you with a sleepy smile at the crow’s nest door, signaling the end of your watch shift. 

You scaled the ladder quickly and disappeared below deck, hoping a shower and a nap would help ease your mind enough to let you fall asleep before tending to your afternoon duties. 

As you pull open the door to your and Kidd’s cabin, you are startled to find him sitting on the edge of your bed, his head resting on his hands – which are resting on his knees.

You curled an eyebrow at him curiously as you crossed the room, not sure what reaction you would get from him as you leaned in to press a soft kiss to his temple.

“Hi,” you greet him quietly, the timidness in your voice causing him to look up at you with weary eyes.

“Hey.”

You stand before him for a moment before deciding to continue with your original plan, turning to move for the bathroom door. 

“I’m going to shower and get some sleep,” you mumble, looking back over your shoulder to survey Kidd. He just simply nods, making no effort to move from his spot on the bed.

You shuffle through the room in search of a towel, slinging one over your shoulder once you find it and reaching for the door handle of the bathroom.

“Did I do something?”

Your movements stop as you let the question fall from your lips, unable to bear this tension any longer. You don’t turn to look at Kidd, instead you keep your eyes trained on the bathroom door before you until you hear his weight shift on the bed behind you.

A strong arm snakes around your waist and before you have time to protest you’re being turned around to face him, a shit-eating grin plastered on his face as you look up at him.

First, Killer… now him?

“What the fuck is so fun-?!”

Your words are cut off as his lips connect to yours, your irritation dissolving as his teeth pull your bottom lip in between his own. He bites down lightly and your lips part for him, his tongue pressing inside your mouth and tangling with your own.

The kiss is soft and short, and a heartbeat later Kidd is pulling away from you, tugging your hand into his as he leads you toward the door.

“Where are we going?”

“Shush,” he grunts, pulling you out into the hall and up onto the deck of the Victoria Punk. You follow him up the stairs of the helm, his steps finally coming to a halt as he reaches the railing.

The sunrise pulls your attention as you listen to the sound of waves crashing against the hull of the ship, the distraction only temporary as Kidd drops your hand and starts digging through his pockets.

“What the fuck is going on, Kidd?”

He stops fumbling around and looks at you, eyes softer than usual as he speaks.

“I was supposed to wait until we docked, but I don’t want to anymore,” he starts, pulling a crinkled piece of paper from his pocket. 

He clears his throat and holds the paper out in front of him, eyes scanning over the words on it before he clears his throat. 

“Y/N,” he starts, his voice slightly wobbly, “I’ve tried to figure out how the hell I wanted to do this for months now, and every time I thought I had a good idea, I ended up hating it and going back to the drawing board.”

Footsteps on the staircase behind you pull your attention, but just as quickly as he appears, Killer disappears back down the stairs, as if he’d stumbled upon something he wasn’t supposed to.

Kid grunts before reaching for your hand, pulling your gaze back to him as he starts to speak again.

“I sat at my desk for hours trying to put the perfect words onto this paper, and the longer I tried the more stupid it sounded. Ugh, wait - not stupid,” he runs his hand through his hair in distress. “This isn’t stupid, that’s not what I meant, I jus-”

You reach out and cup his face in your hand, a small reassuring smile curling onto your lips as a single tear pools in the corner of your eye as you realize what is happening.

Kid grunts again, sighing heavily as he leans into your touch, “I’m sorry,” he breathes, crumpling the piece of paper and letting it fall to the floor, “I don’t know the right words to say, so I’m not going to sit here and read you some script off of a piece of paper.”

He pulls his face from your hand and kneels down to the floor, at the same time that the first tear falls down your cheek. He shoves his hand in his pocket and reaches for your left hand with his metal one, eyes growing slightly hazy as he looks up at you.

“I-I don’t know how you did it, but you managed to make me rethink e-everything in my life,” he stumbles through the words, “I still don’t think I deserve to have you by my side, but I thank the gods they dropped you in my lap that night because I don’t know where or who I would be if I hadn’t met you.”

“You’ve loved every version of me, unconditionally, and without intentionally trying, you made me a better person – a better version of myself. Which is pretty impressive because I was already pretty fucking great when you met me.”

You let out a choked laugh, though it sounds more like a sob due to the tears now streaming down your cheeks as you stare at the ring resting in Kidd’s hand.

“All I know,” he says after chuckling to himself, “Is that I want you… I need you by my side, forever.”

Your heart stills as Kidd raises his hand, revealing the ring he’d spent the last three nights perfecting for you, unbeknownst to you. 

He slides the ring on your finger and you realize your hands are shaking, you bring your hand up to your face and admire the craftsmanship of the ring for a moment, before dropping your hand back down to his and staring down at him through bleary eyes.

“So is this you asking me to marry you?”

Your question makes Kidd’s smile drop, and he cocks a brow at you as he looks between you and the ring.

“Isn’t that obvious?”

You ignore the attitude in his tone and smirk at him, cocking your hip to the side as you cross your arms.

“You didn’t ask the question,” you muse, smirk growing as he rolls his eyes, “Or do I not get a choice in the matter?”

He smirks at that suggestion and stands, wrapping an arm around your waist as he pulls you into his embrace.

“Glad you know that ‘No’ isn’t an option here,” he teases, leaning down and pressing a quick and gentle kiss to your lips. He pulls back slightly and meets your gaze, his eyes sparkling from the glow of the distant sunrise.

“Will you?”

“Will I, what?”

Kidd pinches your side and you yelp, giggling as he squeezes you in his arm tighter.

“Marry me, brat.”

You fling your arms around his neck as a fresh set of tears begin to fall, crashing your lips into his. You feel his shoulders relax as he deepens the kiss, twirling your fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck as he pulls back from you moments later.

“Of course I will, asshole.”

100 Follower Event Masterlist ✨come say hai :3✨

[cassandra-allegra]

what is 2025 even??? we're almost done with january and yet it feels like i'm in this weird liminal space where life doesn't feel real

anyway, here's some random life updates:

-applied for a full time wfh position back in december that would've given me a significant bump in salary, probably secured us a house this year. ended up *not* getting that position. found that out after christmas, so that was great /s

-i've been consistently going to the gym for about 2 months now. so far i've lost about 12 lbs and 3 inches off my waistline. while the weight loss is a huge part of it, really my main goal is to do basic stuff like being able to walk long distances without pain, go up a flight of stairs without being winded, etc. also i want to get strong enough to carry my wife bridal style. i can deadlift 60lbs (!!!) so uhh...170lbs more to go

-i did end up hurting my knee during one of my workouts (bursitis to be exact) and had to take a month off the gym. turns out, if you have weak muscles, your joints will try to overcompensate! wow! thankfully PT has been helping immensely. it's not completely gone but it's better and i'm cleared to keep working out.

-started hormone therapy for my PMDD (premenstral dysphoric disorder). it's been life changing. turns out my depression is hormone related, who knew?!

-i'm doing another yearly reading challenge this year. i was a little ambitious last year and failed to reach my goal of 36 books so i'm lowering it back to 24. i'm trying to be really conscious of what i spend my time on this year and i really want to be able to make time for my creative projects and workouts while also keep my reading goals. so, 24 seems like a good amount for me to be able to do all of that. i hope, lol.

-i've been enjoying bluesky as of late, esp. with the mass migration a couple months ago. i'm still slightly cautious with how i engage with it because i can feel my social anxiety slowly creeping up again but for now it's been a great way to connect with new and old friends.

-*edit* i forgot to add that I’ve been getting the urge to write again??? which i legit haven’t felt in over 5 years so yay! now i don’t think any of them will be seeing the light of day but it’s nice to feel inspired again

[hellyeahscarleteen]

“ Ever since I got my period at age 12, my pre-menstrual symptoms have been intense.

It was like clockwork: for about a week and a half every month, I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t focus on the simplest tasks. Even the most minor inconveniences or disagreements could send me spiraling: my suddenly overwhelming anxiety made mountains out of molehills.

And then, within the first couple days of my period, the cloud lifted. I could breathe again.

At first, I thought this was normal. All the descriptions of PMS I could find described symptoms like the ones I was experiencing. Fatigue? Check. Irritability? Check. Mood swings? Double check. How could I know I was any different?

Any part of me that knew something wasn’t right was immediately crushed by everyone I knew, from my mom to my doctor. “Pain,” they’d say, “is part of being a woman.” (Even though not only women who get periods).

I’d heard of the term “PMDD,” but I barely understood what it really meant. Honestly, I just kind of assumed I was crazy. It wasn’t until years later that my therapist fully explained the disorder to me.

Everything fell into place. I could finally explain myself.I wasn’t “crazy.” I had a mood disorder. Other people had to have been struggling with this, right? There was no way I was the only one. But if that was true, then why didn’t I – or anyone else I knew, for that matter – know about it? Why had I wasted years of my life pushing people away, feeling miserable, and not even understanding why?

I’m going to make sure that nobody else has to go through what I did.“

Read the rest of Sara’s piece here!

[4-hour-naps]

About Me

Hellooo friend! You can call me Naps ♥ I do not have the mindspace to have multiple blogs, so this is going to be whatever it is. Right now my main fixation is bsd but I am going to post other stuff too. I make silly little drawings and dumb jokes.

Content to expect

While I tend to post wholesome content, I will still from time to time post stuff that relates to heavier topics. I will add tw tags and tw at the top of my posts. If I miss anything you think should be tagged please tell me. I won't be posting anything that is sexually explicit just maybe suggestive. I will also be cussing most likely. I have or will likely mention: typical dazai suicidal behavior, depression, ptsd, pmdd

Do what you got to do to keep yourself safe. I hope this helps you make the right choice.  ♡

Asks

If you like my doodles/drawings and want to request one I would love to draw it for you. I can't promise I will be quick but I love making little drawings for y'all (:

I love love love the 'bsd characters supporting you <3' series thing I have been doing, so if you have ideas for those I'd love to hear it. But also you can ask me anything.

My dms are open too! Feel free to reach out ♡

Tagging, other projects, and such under here :)

Tagging

bsdrewatch2023 assushi count: what will be tallied -> #assushi

supportive bsd content like: Kunikida reminding you to take care of yourself -> #bsd character supporting you <3

silly scribbly bsd comics like: sskk take a brief intermission -> #naps bsd comics

bsd themed digital planner pages -> #bsd planner

my doodles -> #naps doodles

everything I've drawn -> #naps draws

autobio comics -> #naps self comics

projects im working on (haven't started yet but planning on very soon) -> #naps codes

random thoughts -> #nap talking (get it like sleep talking.. very dad joke of me)

lol I also have a tag for myself with all my sskk reblogs just cause ... well you know -> #one thing about me is ima reblog sskk fanart :)

Coding Projects

I have a couple coding projects in mind that are bsd related. I just made a side github and figma account lol. I will post about them soon. I am just adding now because I will forget. (So far I am thinking of making a dashboard for assushi data lol and also I want to make a website to create your own gifs out of drawings I make, hopefully soon to come) My github: 4-hour-naps

and also

thank you for reading all this!

All of you are so talented and have such beautiful minds. I'm always amazed by other's art on here or laughing at y'alls silly posts. I am still kind of new to tumblr and tumblr culture, but this bsd side of the internet is fun. I like y'all lol. I want you to know if you reblog my drawings with tags I read that like 5 million times it makes me so happy. Thank you it means a lot that you like these scribbles.

Also I was active on tiktok with this same user. My account is still up, but I’ve deleted the app. So sorry if you were following me on there, I probs wont post again.

sending you all my love ♡*:･ﾟ✧*♡:･ﾟ✧♥

last updated: 12/11/23

[ratterpatter]

Literally this!!! I’ve been taking a birth control pill since around when I first got my period (I was 11 when I first got my period, and I think maybe 12 or 13 when I got the pill? Idk, it was somewhere around 11-13). It was honest to god a nightmare. I have severe OCD and anxiety (amongst other stuff that isn’t really relevant here), and back then was pretty depressed (I’m better now, but there is still days where it hits hard, though thankfully it only happens maybe 1 or 2 times every like 5 months or smth). The hormones from my period made literally EVERYTHING harder, and that’s saying something cause it was already pretty hard to deal with. I started trying to kill myself / end my life because everything was too much for me. I honestly probably would’ve kept trying if I hadn’t gotten caught one day trying to hang my 11 year old self. I thankfully got the help I needed, and that included getting prescribed a birth control pill (I was also later diagnosed with PMDD, so the pill also helps with that). I’ve been taking the pill for close to over half a decade now and my quality of life has significantly improved. I have to be on the pill because otherwise I’d very likely have another breakdown and try to kill myself again. And we were being taught about birth control a while back in my high school biology course and they only mentioned that girls take it to avoid getting pregnant. Whenever I stay overnight somewhere I have to bring my night and morning medications with me. And taking them in front of people honestly makes me a little anxious. Especially the birth control pill. Because while I try not to care about what other people think, I still do, and I really don’t want my classmates to think I’m sexually active. I’m on the last day of my pack today and didn’t get the amount of sleep I need to function fully and properly, and so I was venting to my best friend about it as we were walking in the hallway but when I mentioned the word “birth control pill” I had made sure that we were a ways away from other people, and even then I whispered it cause I don’t want people to think of me that way. I’m of course not saying there’s anything wrong with being sexually active, it’s your life and you’re allowed to do what you want with it. I just don’t want my high school classmates to think I’m sexually active, or even worse have someone try to get with me because they think I’m sexually active (that’s 100% the anxious part of my brain talking right there, but it’s not wrong).

Im really sorry this turned out to be such a long post, I tend to do that when I start to rant / ramble about something lol

I hope that everyone who’s reading this has an amazing day / night / evening and knows that they aren’t alone (not in a creepy way though, because that does sound pretty ominous)

"People shouldn't post about how the contraceptive pill can be prescribed for non-contraceptive reasons because it's sex negative" feels like a take that can only come from people who don't realise just how young some people end up being prescribed the pill

Like, fine, you, person in your twenties, might be comfortable being like "this is the pill I take to fuck without getting pregnant", but I don't think it's sex negative for a thirteen-year-old who has been prescribed it for debilitating period pain to not want to have to hide their medication from their classmates on an overnight school trip because their classmates think that the only reason anyone would take it is that they're sexually active

[thebibliosphere]

I saw that you said you are allergic to your hormones and was hoping you could tell me how you confirmed this! I have a ton of symptoms and reactions that make the most sense with a hormone allergy, but I've had multiple doctors insist that being allergic to my own hormones is impossible... but... it's clearly possible...... i have some issues that are eerily similar to yours and similar problems with birth control and also migraines. If you're able to answer, thanks!! I love your blog!!

Hello friend, I’m somewhat low on energy today so I’m going to link you to an article Hells Bells and Mast Cells where they talk briefly about being allergic to their own hormones in relation to mast cell issues and also to a medical journal that discusses hormonal allergy problems in relation to the menstrual cycle. Cause yea, you can very much have reactions to your own hormones, and it is far, far from impossible.

https://hellsbellsandmastcells.com/2018/02/18/im-allergic-to-my-own-hormones/

When I met my mast cell specialist several years later, he asked me to list my medical history. I told him that I was on continuous hormones for PMDD.

“Premenstrual dysphoric disorder,” I explained. He nodded, knowingly. His familiarity was curious, so I added, “I attempted suicide a couple times.”

He nodded again, completely unfazed. Had he heard me correctly?

Soon after, I learned that hormones can trigger mast cell reactions and many women with MCAS use medication to suppress hormone fluctuations. I learned doom is a hallmark sign of a severe allergic reaction. These days, when I’m anxious, I try Benadryl and it often helps.

*

And here is the medical journal talking about the link between hormonal fluctuations and allergic responses: 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3658477/

After puberty, female allergy sufferings report more severe symptoms and a greater number of emergency room and hospital admissions than males [2–4]. Further majority of people living with autoimmune disorders are women as well. In fact, autoimmune diseases are among the leading causes of morbidity in females. An estimated 75 percent of those living with autoimmune diseases are females [5–7].

This gender dimorphism in the immune function of females could be due to sex hormones. In addition to their effects on sexual differentiation and reproduction, sex hormones influence the immune system. This theory is supported by observations that the female immune response changes throughout the menstrual cycle.

One study examining skin prick testing (SPT) in women with aeroallergens reported significantly increased wheel-and-flare responses on days 12–16 of the menstrual cycle which correspond to peak estrogen levels [8].

It also details the symptoms of allergic hormonal reactions as follows:

The manifestations of hormone allergy are as follows:

premenstrual syndrome

premenstrual asthma

menstrual migraine

weight problems

loss of short term memory

fatigue

skin problems

mood swings

diminished sex drive

anxiety and panic attacks

fibromyalgia

interstitial cystitis

arthritis

chronic fatigue syndrome

infertility

I’ve bolded the ones that are known to be related to MCAS in case that helps anyone.

Sorry, I can’t be more chatty about this. I’ve used up a lot of energy this week and I’m Struggling. I hope this helps though

[laventadorn]

thank you to all you super sweet folks who have sent me messages lately with your compliments; it always makes me smile to see them! (´•ω•｀)♡

just a little health update.

i finally got to see a neurologist last week about my vertigo, and in his opinion it’s basically a migraine (manifesting as vertigo instead of a headache) that’s gone completely out of control due to a combination of Extra Large Stress and jacked up hormones. this all started when i began taking a birth control pill to mitigate my PMDD (depression caused by my period, in addition to my regular depression; fun!). about 12 years ago i tried birth control for the same reason, and it gave me a migraine then, too! so i avoided birth control for over a decade; but recently my periods were getting so bad that people, including my therapist and GP, were advising me to try birth control again, citing that a different kind of pill might work. HA HA HA.

anyway, so that’s fucked me up for the past nearly-two months, lol. i mean, it was stress on top of the pills, but they created a cocktail of fuckery that’s made it hard to get out of bed since the beginning of december.

now that i’ve stopped taking the pill, my dizziness is starting to lessen, but i’m still always very tired and weak. my therapist gave me some ideas on how to mitigate my stress -- some of which is just the way it is right now (COVID, my mother’s cancer, my own financial troubles and lack of real job security), but after listening to me describe how i spend a typical day, she thinks i’m placing stress on my body that i don’t even realize.

one of those is being on my phone and social media too much. and i’ve been mostly staying off tumblr for the past few days, and i have to say that it is helping. (i’m also trying to eat better and meditate and stuff like that lol.) so i’m going to be around even less.

i hope you’re all having a better time of it! maybe the year of the ox will be better than the year of the rat?? lunar new year is coming up in a couple of weeks... i’m honestly waiting for it!

(i’m a rat, and since it was the year of the rat last year, that was supposed to be a bad year for me. they were right on that one! lmao. i should’ve worn more red!)

[etlu-yume]

Everything OP said. It really is like clockwork. (I'm still trying to get a proper diagnosis - tracking symptoms for just shy of 12 months I think now). Absolutely clockwork.

And the switch-flicking change between that good week or two and the PMDD "Hazard Zone" is like chalk and cheese. It's so frustratingly different. And as someone still struggling to get a confirmed diagnosis but ticking like all of the boxes, tracking all the symptoms and data that points VERY heavily towards it, as soon as I hit a good week it's like "pffff was it really that bad?".

It's weeks of withdrawing from everything. Of snapping at the smallest thing. Weeks of being a potential danger to yourself and everyone else. Crippling feelings of anxiety and despair and hopelessness that make it difficult to do anything (which, for me personally, makes things worse again because "oh god what do you mean I have achieved NOTHING"). It sneaks in when you least expect it and progressively gets worse until it's almost all-consuming. I have to keep tracking data to remind myself "yes. It really was that bad."

Because once it breaks and you come up for air, you can't imagine how it was. Surely it wasn't that bad.

PSA about PMDD

I just had to post this. I had to get the word out about something that needs to be more widely known and understood.

First of all,

PMS is not a joke. It is horrible and shitty to have to go through.

Second of all,

PMDD is different and is also not a joke.

Now let me explain for those who don’t know. PMDD stands for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Let’s look at those words more closely. 

Premenstrual: Roughly speaking the two-week period leading up to a woman’s menstruation every month.

Dysphoric: Dysphoria is described as being “a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation.” And can often indicate an increased risk for suicide.

Disorder:  many clinicians will describe psychiatric disorders as deviant, distressful, and dysfunctional patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors

NOW, lets break down disorder into those 3 parts

        Deviant: thoughts or behaviors that are different from most of the rest of a given cultural context

        Distress: a subjective feeling that something is really very wrong

        Dysfunction: when a person’s ability to work, and live is clearly and often measurably impaired.

These 3 things are what the field of psychology would like to call the criteria for diagnosing someone with a mental or behavioral illness. That last one in particular. Now that was a lot of info so how about I make this all a little bit more visual…

So now that you understand what PMDD means and that it is a real diagnosable illness, lets take a look at what it means to live with it.

PMDD was added to the DSM in its most recent addition in 2013, the DSM5 lists the following 11 symptoms as characteristic of PMDD

·      Marked lability (e.g., mood swings)

·      Marked irritability or anger

·      Markedly depressed mood

·      Marked anxiety and tension

·      Decreased interest in usual activities

·      Difficulty in concentration

·      Lethargy and marked lack of energy

·      Marked change in appetite (e.g., overeating or specific food cravings)

·      Hypersomnia or insomnia

·      Feeling overwhelmed or out of control

·       Physical symptoms (e.g., breast tenderness or swelling, joint or muscle pain, a sensation of ‘bloating’ and weight gain)

Speaking as someone who has been diagnosed with this by an actual doctor, I can say that PMDD is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, when I am not in the premenstrual period I am constantly thinking about how far away from it I am. I plan things around it because I can, because it comes every month like clockwork. All I can do is try and enjoy my self for the two weeks every month when I am not in absolute hell. And when it comes, everything is a struggle. I have to force myself to go to class, force myself to talk to people, force myself to shower, brush my teeth and do anything other than pull myself out of crying fits and into numbness, out of anxiety attacks and into the temptation to self harm. 

After it is all over I try and move on and recover and live my life to the fullest until it comes back but that is all I can hope for. A half life.

So let me reiterate, PMDD is not a joke. If those symptoms or my testament hit a little too close to home, please share your concerns with a doctor and get a formal diagnosis and treatment. And for everyone else, all I ask is that you spread awareness and try to think twice the next time you think about accusing a girl of PMSing because ever since 2013 this has been a bona fide mental illness. We as a society can not claim that we are working towards reducing the stigma on mental illnesses if we are only doing so for a select few on a list of many.

Please reblog and spread awareness.

[youcanfindthisone]

I made this blog feeling calm, hopeful, and like. at peace. I feel like a kid, I have memories of being happy again (six flags, going to friends houses, being outside in the backyard) and I don't want to let it go, its so fleeting and it scares me. I feel happy. like. more like at peace AND content? If they're ... not the same thing. but this is so surreal almost. Like last time I felt this way, this significantly, was when I was high on mushrooms.

im also trying pepc*d as a pmdd help. I feel clarity for the first time in g-d knows how long. my brother sounded concerned bc of ulcers. so I don't know what to do about that but I don't want to suffer anymore, so.......

I'm enjoying this. I'm feeling really grateful. I'm feeling so good. ? so strange. so so so strange

feeling very. early combo of brown, light "baby" green, yellow-y beige, and baby pink. like arcade games. pixel-y images and bright colors (nothing vibrant, just glow-y?) like hamtaro ham ham heartbreak when they're at the beach or a tropical place. like point pleasant when its early in the morning, foggy, and cold enough for a hoodie walking around the new construction of these huge apartment complexes a little too far from the place we were renting ((and they were so grey. so huge and grey and beautiful with everything else going on around it). I always thought that time made me so happy (i do remember feeling one of the lowest feelings in my life there, at around 12-13 y/o. something about an eyebrow pencil? (not related to being at one of my lowest). and like... that time in my life felt so good, because I didn't care about too much and my interest in hurting myself/feeling good in the process of neglecting myself blossomed beautifully into something that still tugs at my heart strings, and still feels very much like a ingrained and complete, very confident in it, part of me - and something I can never ever fully communicate. I'm trying because I'm scared I'll forget about these memories and feelings and catalysts (?) and everything is just. blending together so beautifully and the feeling is so fleeting that I had to describe it. It's so precious and such a huge, important chunk of my life for me. I remember when I was beginning to get sad for a second, at the boardwalk i was almost unfamiliar with, but we've been there plenty of times when I was so so so much younger than I was at the time. I felt like, a strange mix of yearning and jealousy, and like. not to be dramatic, but despair. and with that came a ("well, this is such a pleasant place that I think I'd wanna die here") which, thinking further back, now feels like a direct tie to my suic*de plans I made when like, I was 15 probably. and to this day it sounds perfect, it makes my heart flutter a little bit bc I get excited. I wish I didn't get excited thinking about the suic*de plans I was mapping out and scheduling when I was a KID

i can't stop thinking about all these places and thoughts and daydreaming I had as a kid. And tomorrow I will wake up and not remember how I fell asleep, or this contentedness with little details of some of the happiest places I've been to as a kid - or the majority of my day, now that I try to recall it. That scares me. That's very scary, it feels very different than normal "I'm out of it" memory loss. I hope writing helps me with this a lil. If I remember this tomorrow without being reminded, then I'll be super happy! if not, I'm celebrating this now. either way I'm feeling a lotta gratitude still!

I need something to change. I stress drastically and soon - but I don't mean that, I'm hardy and know i will be fine most of the time, but like.. I'm so tired. I don't know how long I can deal with these feelings I can't handle. I don't know how to deal with me being scared ill just lose my mind one day and never be lucid again. i feel so sensitive sometimes. I wish K held me, I wish K WANTED to hug me, to touch me, to hold me and just lay with me. she's never tender with me. I wonder if that's why I have a lotta s*x nerves. I don't wanna unpack that tonight, I'm a little tired now. But surprisingly, even though it LOOKS like i spiraled, I feel so comforted by typing all this out even though I worry about it not making sense and then being embarrassed. I'll get better at this. maybe I won't give up this time (memories of the hospital that I think my grandma was in when we were so much younger. "flashes" of her room that she shared with someone and the discomfort that came w that and wondering about death. I remember looking out onto the grey white roof and also maybe begining to like/be comforted by industrial (?) aesthetic. I remember being very scared and also feeling like we were doing something wrong bc we just walked in. and also feeling like my mom or maybe dad or maybe both were mad at me, and rushing, esp in the lobby walking to the left big hallway. and feeling lots of dread bc I thought mom was mad at me. there was a cafe. There was a store with crackle nail polish that I wanted. Now I feel like I'm mixing up hospital visits, but it feels like the same hospital. Idk)

That's all I can do for tonight! good night, thanks.

[pleasuringmyprincess]

Love Letter

I wrote the following In July, but decided not to share it at that time. it's now October.  Circumstances change.

________________________________________________________________

I know this isn’t going to be easy for me, so please bear with me.

I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

I’ve know Ren for six months or so, in a long distance relationship through circumstance rather than design. Circumstance being that I live in California, while she lives in England. This is not a full time LDR, work and family (I’m also from England) bring me to the UK regularly. So in the time we’ve known each other, I’ve travelled to England every 10-12 weeks, staying for 4-5 weeks each time, and I have two more trips scheduled for between now and the end of the year.

When I met Ren it was supposed to be just for play, but we found we had so much in common, so many shared interests outside in the real world, so much chemistry that a serious relationship quickly developed. 

Ren isn’t just a delightful sub, she’s a wonderful mother to two lovely children, she’s fantastic company, intelligent, fun loving, really smart, caring, upbeat all the time, but... there’s always a but, and for Ren it’s a big one.

Let’s start by saying if there was ever someone who didn’t deserve the deck she was dealt it’s Ren. Over the last 6 years her self-esteem has been shattered by her prior partners, (I’ll say no more than that they have one way or another treated her badly) and as a consequence she has suffered from severe depression, has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, has self-harmed, and most recently has been diagnosed and is now being successfully treated for severe Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).

Pause a moment there - this is the same woman, the woman who has been shit on by the world is also the wonderful mother, the delightful, intelligent, fun loving, smart, caring woman. My unicorn.

Ren’s seen a few big changes recently, most significantly she finally was able to divorce her husband and move to a new home. Two big steps forward, but at a cost of greatly increased anxiety. Just after this she heard that she was losing her job - she’s highly skilled but works in a poorly paid profession and because of the need to care for her kids, can only work part time. And she’s just lost her dom. We’ll come back to that in a minute.

In a scene, Ren is delightful, absolutely exquisite. I couldn’t ask for more, it breaks my heart to think of letting her go. Outside of a scene though, she can be very hard work. It’s more a question of providing support and encouragement over discipline. I have lost count of the number of hours I’ve spent helping her through the pain she feels. When she’s particularly low, it can be 3-4 hours a day. That’s not a complaint, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat even now while I’m writing this. It’s just a sign of the level of commitment you need to make. And just so it’s clear, Ren knows she has these problems and spends a lot of time in self-care activities and while it helps, it’s not enough.

Ren’s a working single mum, on a budget, she’s already very disciplined, very ordered, but she still struggles with some things and I have not been as successful as I would have liked in helping her address these issues (although today she has just proved to me that she can do this unbidden when motivated). I’ve not got to the bottom of why this is, and frankly it’s not been a high priority for me. I’ve been focused on helping her improve her self-esteem, manage her anxiety and encourage her to seek treatment for her PMDD (yay me!). This has really been my primary goal. And while it’s too soon to be sure, it really looks like we have succeeded, her anxiety and PMDD are both under control now. She is far far stronger today than she was three months ago.

Unfortunately, helping her get treatment for PMDD may have been my downfall.

After six years in the wilderness Ren is becoming whole again, free from her past, independent, far stronger than she has been for many years. Strong enough to tell me that she wants to move on. Ren needs someone full time, I know this, we’ve discussed it at length, and I had already put plans in motion to return to live in England to be with her. Now Ren has told me that while I am returning to England, it's not soon enough for her - she doesn’t want to wait. She also has concerns about my marriage. I am divorcing, she knows this, but right now I am married, and my divorce is something that Ren does not want to feel responsible for - she’s not responsible, that ship sailed long ago, but she says she will still feel responsible, and that’s enough. And my age, I’m 14 years older than her, too old in her eyes for a long term commitment.

Now obviously I’m not too happy about this, we are/were amazingly good together and had I not worked so hard to help her through her problems I might not be in this position today. I do feel significantly responsible for Ren’s recent improvement. For giving her the support she needed; for helping her apply for jobs; for showing her that there was a man who would fight for her, accept her for who she is, respect her for it; for being the consistent and reliable dom she needed; and most significantly for getting her back to the doc and having her PMDD addressed. 

This is where I get a little twisted - one of the side effects of the medication Ren is taking for PMDD is possible impaired judgement. And there's part of me that thinks, dumping your dom like this wasn't the wisest thing to do right now. So the treatment for PMDD that I helped her get, might possibly be responsible for Ren taking what I think is an ill-judged decision in deciding that she’d rather seek out her perfect Dom than accept this one with all his flaws. I’m not blind to the fact that there’s part of me that thinks ‘Hey, I did the hard work in putting her back together and it would be nice to enjoy some of the benefits’, OK, I fully realize that’s selfish of me, but it’s understandable, I’m a dom, not a saint. To be clear though, it's not the decision I have a problem with, it's the hurried way she approached it.  But we serve at our sub’s pleasure, and so here we are.

As it is, and I’ve never shared this with anyone, not even Ren, until now. I made a promise to myself that I’d help her come what may. And if that means 'setting her free' and helping her find a dom who’s worthy of her, that’s what I’ll do.

And so I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

If you think that you might possibly be able to be the dom Ren needs, I’d like to hear from you. Before you all shout, as you might have gathered, I hold Ren in very high regard, and I will not let her settle for anyone who isn’t good enough. And just to be clear, I’m not going away. Ren and I have every intention of remaining friends.

So can this be you?

Let’s see shall we.

You’ve got to accept that Ren is a rich multi-faceted human being. If you are looking for a fuck toy, stop here.

She’s looking for more than just a play partner. Listen to Lou Reid singing Perfect Day, if you can’t offer that, you can stop reading here. Married guys (like me), guys in poly, or any form of relationship with someone else, you can stop here, she wants exclusivity. Btw, if you’re separated, divorcing, or whatever, you’re still married, so you stop here too. You don’t drink sangria in the park with Ren, and then later when it gets dark go home to your wife (read the lyrics, it will make sense).

Age 40-50, no exceptions. You will be fit and healthy, height/weight proportional.

No diseases, you will provide current STI test results, and you will always use a condom.

It will help if you a pro-Remain, if not, you need to be able to offer a coherent argument against. Intelligence matters. 

As a submissive, Ren has specific needs, and specific limits. She needs pain, she needs to be spanked, mild to moderate use of a riding crop and paddle is OK, but not severe caning. She needs bondage both for the restraint and the art. Obviously there are other things as well, but she can share that if you meet, and I’m sure there are things that we’ve not tried that she will enjoy. She has limits and you will respect them. You will not humiliate her in any way, not even name calling. Not in play, not as punishment. There are other things you will not do, obviously, and again she can share them if you meet.

You must be an experienced Dom, having a fetlife account or a tumblr blog doesn’t count. You will meet me first. You will provide government photo ID, and references, and I will follow up on references in person.

Ren needs a Dom who is close by, someone who can see her 2-3 times a week without fail and who will remain in close contact when apart. Long distance relationships don’t work for her (ask me how I know), she needs to know you are close by, which means you must be within daily driving distance. No, she will not relocate. She has joint custody of her kids with her ex and that’s not going to change.

You’ve got to accept that she is not at your beck and call. She’s a mother, her kids come first and always will. You don’t even rate second place; like I said, she has a very demanding self-care program that takes a lot of her time, that comes next. She also has a cat. You might aspire to a position above the cat in her hierarchy, but I wouldn’t count on it.

________________________________________________________________

Don't take this as anything other than a mile marker down a road already travelled.

Applications are not currently being accepted. 

[lovemesomesurveys]

girl talk

GENERAL WOMANHOOD:

1. Do you like the color pink? Yeah, various shades of it.

2. How easily do you cry? I’m a crybaby.

3. What food do you eat the most of when you’re sad? Lately I’ve been eating a lot of Wingstop. That’s been my thing. I also like my bowl of ramen every night.

4. How often do you experience boob sweat? That has literally never happened to me as I have small boobs. <<< lol same.

5. What time of month is your time? I don’t have that anymore.

6. How moody are you when you are on your period? I got really bad PMS/PMDD and was extra sensitive and moody. I’m like that all the time now even without that.

7. Have you ever thought you were pregnant because your period was late? Nope. That was never a possibility.  8. Have you ever been on the pill? No. 9. Have you ever thought about having children someday? What is your current opinion? I don’t want to have kids. 10. Have you ever given birth? If not, would you ever want to? No. 11. How much do you like decorating for holidays? Christmas is the only one I really decorate for anymore and I go all out.  12. How good of a cook do you consider yourself? I can’t cook at all besides ramen.  13. What is your favorite thing to cook? ^^^ 14. Do you prefer cooking, baking, or both equally? I like making ramen. lol. That’s literally all I cook if you even want to count that cause it’s so easy. Besides that, anything I else I make is oven or microwavable. or a sandwich. 15. Can you sew? Nope. 16. How feminine do you consider yourself? How do you determine that? I mean, if it means makeup and dresses, then not very cause I haven’t worn makeup in over a year and it’s been a few years since I’ve worn a dress. I’m all about comfy casual. That doesn’t make me masculine, though. I’m curious what you think makes someone feminine or not. 17. Have you ever been told that you are too girly or feminine? No. 18. Do you consider yourself a feminist? I mean, I care about women’s rights and believe we should have equal opportunities and such as men and all that.  19. How do you define “girl power”? Uhh, I don’t know. A strong, confident woman.  20. How much of a neat freak are you? I used to be more of a neat freak, but I don’t have the energy or motivation anymore. My room isn’t a disaster, but it’s messier than I ever used to let it get. It’s just cluttered. I need to go through and get rid stuff, but blah. 21. How you ever wished you were born a male? No. 22. Breastfeeding or formula? Mothers should do what they feel is best and works for them and the baby. 23. What is your opinion of equal pay? I think payment should be individual but obviously not based on sex. <<< Yeah, like everyone can’t be paid the exact same. There’s other factors. But people doing the same job and putting in the same work should be paid the same. 24. What is one profession you think needs more women? I don’t care, I think everyone should just do what they’re interested in. <<< 25. Are you pro-life or pro-choice? 26. Have you ever experienced any sexism? If so, please explain. Not that I can think of. 27. Have you ever been called a blabbermouth or a chatterbox? I have my chatty moods now and then. 

28. What is one thing about women you think most men don’t know? I don’t know. 29. Is there anything you dislike about being a woman? Menstrual cycles sucked, but I don’t have those anymore. 30. Complete this phrase: I’m so glad I am a woman because ______. I just am. 

LIFE EXPERIENCES:

31. Did you ever play with Barbie dolls as a child? Yes. I was obsessed with Barbies, I played for hoursss.

32. Have you ever dotted lowercase Js and Is with hearts or smiley faces? Yeah, when I was younger I did sometimes.

33. Have you ever been a Girl Scout? Yes.

34. Have you ever been a ballerina? No.

35. Have you ever been a cheerleader? No.

36. Were you ever voted as homecoming or prom queen? Nope.

37. Have you ever hosted a sleepover? Yeah, with my cousins all the time as kids.

38. Do you belong to a sorority? Nope.

39. Have you ever kept a diary or a journal? Yeah. I had a physical one in middle school up to my sophomore year in high school and then I moved on to online journals. This is my journal now.

40. At what age did you get your first period? 13.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE:

41. What is the longest your hair has ever been? Would you ever grow it that long again? Down to my butt, which is how long it was until I cut a couple inches off recently. It was like that when I was a kid, too. Perhaps even a little longer.

42. Have you had a hairstyle above the eyebrows? Uhh, do you mean bangs? If so, yes. I had them until college and then I did the side swept thing for awhile.

43. What hairstyle do you wear the most? Pony tail, bun, or braid.

44. Have you ever died your hair? If so, how often? Countless times now. I first got highlights in middle school and did that for awhile before dyeing it black my sophomore year. I then went back to highlights until dyeing it red in 2015. I’ve been doing that ever since.

45. What is the heaviest you remember ever weighing? I think 90lbs.

46. How muscular are you? I’m not anymore. :/ I used to have toned arms, but I lost my muscle mass over these past few years due to health stuff and just not being active like I used to be.

47. Do you have any piercings anywhere besides your earlobes? Nope.

48. Do you have any tattoos? If you, where are they and what are they of? Nope.

49. Do you like wearing lipstick or lip gloss? If so, how often do you wear them? I haven’t in a long time.

50. How often do you paint your nails? It’s been a few years since the last time I painted them.

51. Have you ever worn any fake nails? Once. I got them done for my 8th grade promotion. 

52. Have you ever worn fake eyelashes? Yeah.

53. How often do you shave or wax your legs? I don’t have to shave my legs often. It’s never been an issue, like hair doesn’t really grow there.

54. How white are your teeth? I could use a Crest white strip or something.

55. Have you ever been told that you look like a certain celebrity? No.

56. How much do you look like your mother? I have a lot of her features, but a lot of my dad’s, too.

57. How much do you look like your father? ^^^^

58. What do you think is your best physical feature? I like dyeing my hair red. 

59. What do you think is your worst physical feature? Everything.

60. How good are you at communicating through facial expressions? I think my facial expressions give it away. It’s obvious when I’m annoyed or in discomfort.

FASHION STYLE: 61. What type of clothing do you own the most of? Leggings and graphic tees. 62. How big is your closet? Not big at all. 63. Have you ever looked through your closet and though “I have nothing to wear”? Ha, yeah. 64. What is your favorite fashion brand? The only brand I really care about and have a lot of is Adidas.  65. Do you wear skirts and dresses at all? If so, how often? I haven’t in years. 66. What is your dress size? Small. 67. What is the shortest length of skirts and dresses you are comfortable wearing? I like the length to go to my knees and I wear pantyhose/tights underneath. I’m very self-conscious about my legs.  68. How expensive was your prom dress? I think it was like $80. 69. What is the most expensive piece of clothing you currently own? My Adidas clothes. 70. Do you wear high heels or stilettos at all? If so, how often? No. 71. Have you ever worn high heels casually? Nope. 72. How often do you take an OOTD (outfit of the day) selfie? I only take a picture if I really like the shirt I’m wearing.  73. Have you ever worn the exact same outfit from head to toe more than once? Yeah, while at home. 74. How often do you wear a bra when out in public? I wear one whenever I go somewhere. 75. How often do you wear a bra when bumming it at home? I don’t.  76. When you get home from work, how soon does your bra typically come off? I don’t work, but when I get home from wherever I’ll likely just wait until bedtime. 77. Have you ever carried a spare bra with you in your purse? Nope. 78. Which are you more likely to go without: A bra or panties? Bra. 79. Does it matter to you if your bra and panties match or not? Nah. 80. What type of underwear do you typically wear? Hipster/hip huggers whatever you wanna call ‘em. 81. How much of your underwear is white? I don’t have any plain white pairs. 82. Have you ever carried a spare pair of underwear with you in your purse? No. 83. Do you like eyeshadow? I used to wear it sometimes back when I wore makeup regularly.  84. Do you like mascara? That’s a must when I wear makeup. 85. How much makeup do you typically wear? I haven’t worn any in over a year. 86. Have you every gone out in public without any makeup on? I do all the time. A few years ago I never would have done that. 87. How much jewelry do you typically wear? I was wearing earrings I got for Christmas for awhile, but I took them out a couple weeks ago cause my ears were irritated. 88. Is there any kind of jewelry you pretty much always wear? Just those earrings for awhile. Before that, it had been a few years. I used to have 3 rings I wore literally 24/7 for a long time until one day I took them off for some reason and never put them back on.  89. Do you carry a purse at all? I’ve been using a mini backpack. 90. Do you like tube and halter tops? No. 91. Do you like crop tops? No. 92. Are you comfortable showing off a little cleavage? This girl does not have cleavage lol.  <<<  93. One-piece swimsuits or bikinis? I don’t do swim suits. 94. Does it matter to you if your bikini top matches the bottom? I don’t wear them, but if I did yeah I would want them to match.

WEDDING CRAZE:

95. Have you ever been a bridesmaid? If so, how often? Nope.

96. Do you have any desires to get married? No.

97. For how long have you thought about your wedding? It’s not something I put much thought into at all. I’m not the type of person who has dreamt of their wedding day since they were a kid or anything. I honestly don’t see myself ever getting married.

98. How much of your wedding do you have planned out already?

99. Would you rather have a big or a small wedding?

100. Would you rather have a lot of bridesmaids or just a couple?

101. Would you rather have an indoor or an outdoor wedding? Does the same go for the reception?

DATING & RELATIONSHIPS:

102. What is your current relationship status? Single.

103. What is the longest relationship you’ve ever had? 3 years if you count the Joseph situation.

104. Do you consider yourself a hopeless romantic at all? No. I think I’ve just been hardened by life ha.

105. Are you a virgin? If not, which gender did you lose your virginity to? Yes.

106. What personality trait are you most attracted to? Just nice, caring, genuine, patient, understanding guys with a sense of humor. 

107. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. I have no interest in that.

108. Has anyone you know ever tried to set you up on a date? I had a friend who always wanted to do that.

109. Do you use any dating apps? If so, have they ever worked out for you? Nope.

110. Do you kiss on the first date? If it felt right.

111. How often do guys hit on you? It’s been years since that has happened and even when it did, it wasn’t often. 

112. Have women ever hit on you? A friend I had always got flirty when she was drunk. 

114. Have you ever kissed another woman while sober? If so, did you like it? No. I’ve done that while drunk either.

115. Have you ever dated another woman? No.

116. After how long of dating do you typically consider a relationship to be serious? There’s more factors than that.

117. Would you rather your lover give you chocolate, flowers, both, or something else? Something else, honestly. Like coffee.

118. Are you friends with any of your exes? Not anymore.

119. Is sex before marriage wrong? That’s a personal choice. Do what feels right to you.

ENTERTAINMENT: 120. What celebrity do you most admire and why? There aren’t any I admire specifically, I just like keeping up with the celebrity gossip and entertainment. It’s entertaining and a distraction from my own life. 121. Do you like romantic comedies? Do you have any favorites? I’m a sucker for romantic comedies. 122. Do you have a favorite romantic movie? I have several. 123. Who is your favorite Disney princess? Ariel.

124. What is your favorite Disney song? “In a World of My Own” from Alice in Wonderland, “Part of Your World” from Little Mermaid, “You’ve Got a Friend in Me”  from Toy Story, “Hakuna Matata” from Lion King, “Bare Necessities”  from The Jungle Book, “Winnie the Pooh” from Winnie the Pooh... that’s just to name a few, there’s several others. Disney songs are catchy. 125. Do you watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette? Nah, I never got into that. I can’t believe they’re on their 16th season now. 126. Have you ever watched Sex & The City? I’ve seen parts of it here and there. I never got into it.  127. Have you ever watched any shows such as Project Runway or America’s Next Top Model? I used to watch America’s Next Top Model. Even the last 2 recent seasons. I’d watch it again if they brought it back. 128. Do you like watching any beauty pageants such as Miss America? No. 129. Do you like watching the red carpet arrivals before award ceremonies? Not usually. Sometimes I will. 130. Beyonce or Taylor Swift? Beyonce. 131. Oprah Winfrey or Ellen DeGeneres? I like both.

A PILE OF RANDOMNESS: 132. Are you named after anyone? Nope. 133. How many male friends do you have? I don’t have any friends. 134. Have you ever been considered the mother of your group of friends? Yes. 135. Have you ever called your friend friends your ‘girlfriends’? No. 136. Have you ever called a non-lover a term such as honey, babe, dear, or darling? Jokingly, yeah. 137. How many items do you own that are of a floral print design? I think I only have a few. 138. Have you ever scoffed at something because you thought it wasn’t feminine enough? No? 139. How healthy do you eat? I don’t. 140. What is your preferred way to carry a purse: Clutched in your hand, on your elbow, or on your shoulder? On my shoulder. 141. Besides you phone, money, wallet, and keys, name five things you always have with you in your purse. Hand sanitizer, mini hair brush, chapstick, medicine, and maybe a water bottle.

142. Have you ever lost anything inside your purse? It seemed that way a lot in my bigger purses. I always had to dig around for everything. 143. Have you ever used your bra or your cleavage as a purse or a pocket? No. 144. Do you consider shopping a sport No lol. Especially not when you do it from home in bed like I do. There’s nothing active about that, ha. 145. Do you shop more in physical walk-in stores or online? Online. 146. What is the most amount of money you remember ever spending in one single shopping trip? The most was when I got my first MacBook.  147. How often do you have a girls’ night out? I don’t anymore. I used to sometimes when I had friends and social life.

148. Do you prefer coffee or tea? Coffee, always. 149. How polite do you consider yourself? I think I’m pretty polite. 150. Can you do the splits? Nope. 151. Do you like doing any yoga? No. 152. Have you ever been told that you have cute handwriting? No. My handwriting is shit. 153. How well can you write in cursive? My cursive is awful. 154. Have you ever successfully been on a diet? No. 155. Do you currently or have you ever belonged to a book club? Well, I’ve done a few online Bible study groups.  156. Have you ever talked yourself out of a driving ticked by using your looks? I don’t drive so I’ve never been pulled over. That wouldn’t work, though. I’m ugly and I don’t have the personality or confidence either. 157. Have you ever drunk a non-alcoholic beverage from a wine glass? Yeah, like apple cider. Especially when I was a kid to be “cool” haha. 158. Do you prefer showers or baths? Showers. I haven’t taken a bath since I was a kid. 159. Have you ever snorted while laughing? Yeah. 160. How strict are you about manners? I think they’re important.

[living-with-emotion]

Here We Go

Here I am, almost 37 years old and I don’t feel like I know any more about myself or the world than I did at 27 or 17. I still can’t trust my own emotions. By that I mean, my emotions are literally dictated by my hormones and certain chemical levels in my brain. But that’s everyone right? There’s no magic dust floating around or lovey arrows being shot around making people feel any kind of way. Everything is purely chemical. I wish I had paid more attention in chemistry class in high school. I hated that class. I’m fairly certain that I’d still hate it.

Since I’m new to this blogging thing and couldn’t find a place to put in some kind of bio, I’ll just make it my first post. 

I am married and have 2 children from my first marriage. I’ve lived overseas. I’ve run away from home. I’ve been cheated on and been the cheater. I’ve pretty much been there and done that when it comes to so may things, but I still feel very sheltered. 

I was diagnosed as depressed right around age 20. I was prescribed Effexor XR and took that for a few years, I can’t remember how long exactly. All I can remember is that I decided to stop taking it without consulting my doctor. I wasn’t feeling the lows anymore, but I wasn’t feeling the highs either. Once I stopped taking it I recall being the happiest I had ever been for the next 12 months. Then I moved to Japan and I was very isolated. Fast forward several years, I’m in my late 20s, divorced with 2 children, and in a very controlling and manipulative relationship with an older man. I talk to my doctor about getting a new prescription. I ask for Effexor because it was what I knew. My doctor seemed hesitant because of how different that particular drug is from most mainstream antidepressants, but I insisted. Not long after that, and after a discussion with my doctor, she tells me that she believes I have PMDD. The treatment for that? Why, it’s antidepressants of course! But I was already taking those, but she just had me double my dosage 2 weeks out of every 4. That only took a month or 2 before I felt suicidal for the first time in my life. I quit cold turkey. I’d been depressed before obviously, even so much that I lost weight at the rate of 1 pound a day and let me home fill with clutter and trash while I remain in bed pretty much 24/7. I had never been suicidal though. I tend to enjoy the self pity too much to want it to end, but I digress. Years later I get that itch again. I’m now in a new relationship and feeling very trapped and unhappy. So I talk to my doctor. This time, a different medication is written. Cymbalta was supposed to be the answer to my prayers. I remain on it for a few years. I find that it makes me very sleepy within an hour of taking it which causes stress on my relationship because the only time I can see my signifcant other, I am drugged and sleepy. But I’m not unhappy. I’m kinda on auto-pilot. My life is happening around me, but I’m not really participating. Earlier this year I decided to stop taking it and ask my new doctor for something else. After a few trials and errors, we landed on Wellbutrin. I love this drug, but my husband does not. I feel more alert now and more like an active participant in my own life. 

It’s like waking from a dream, except I wasn’t dreaming. I was making decisions about my life that I really don’t feel like I would have it I hadn’t been medicated. Suddenly I’m not happy, but not in a depressed kind of way. It’s more of a “I need to make some serious changes” kind of way. So that’s where I am at now. Trying desperately to figure out what I want, who I am, and what my next move needs to be. Up to now I’ve kind of just went along with everything. I don’t think I can be happy with that way of living any more. I need to get in the game while I’m still young enough to play. 

[lifestylejournaling]

Masterlist of Lifestyle Journal Ideas

I was going to post images with each listing, but 100 pictures on one Tumblr post was quite a task. So, if you’d like to see examples of any of these, I am adding them to my Pinterest Board which can be found [here].

1. Books To Read- Color them in as you go! Or make a fun list of them and check them off one at a time. 

2. All About Me- Make doodles of things you love, add quotes, draw yourself!

3. Future Log- There are so many ways to make this page. Please do some research to see which would work best for you

4. Movies To Watch- Pretty self-explanatory, but there are many ways to do this page too

5. Skills To Learn- Jot down all the things you want to learn

6. Important Numbers and Addresses- In case of emergency of course. Also, be careful what you put in this part for your own privacy reasons

7. Year In Pixels- Honestly, one of my favorite pages

8. Fonts, Banners, and Frame Ideas- For practice and to choose from when you are having trouble being creative

9. Snail Mail Log- Keeping a list of people who you want to send letters to

10. Savings Tracker- It’s always fun to see how much you have saved up

11. TV Series Tracker- Keep track of all the shows you still need to binge

12. Monthly Challenges- I know I haven’t been helpful with this lately, but you can always search for challenges on my page

13. Music Playlists- A list of songs that describe you, your goals, things you love, etc. 

14. Timeline of Your Life- This was hard for me to make. My life isn’t all that exciting

15. Inspiration Page- Fill it with quotes, pictures, memories, etc. 

16. Self-Care List/Ideas- I posted many lists like this on my Pinterest if you want more ideas

17. Monthly/Yearly Memories- Look back on all the good and bad things that you’ve gotten over and endured. 

18. Sleep Tracker- See how many hours you get each night. This also works well when paired with number 7. 

19. Me Time Log- Keep track of how many hours you spend with yourself. We all need to learn to love on ourselves a little more. 

20. Tiny Adventures- Go out of your comfort zone and go on some tiny adventures like reading in public, talking to a stranger, giving people compliments, etc. 

21. Word Tracker- For those who are writers who like to procrastinate

22. Daily To-Do List- This can be done on your weekly pages or you can make a page specifically for daily sticky notes. 

23. Blog Post Ideas- Got an idea, but you’re not at your computer or have what you need for your post? WRITE IT DOWN

24. Fitness Log- Keep track of how much and when you work out or stretch or do yoga or and of those fun physical activities. 

25. Food Log- If you’re trying to lose weight or just get healthy or just want to track your food intake for fun, this is for you! 

26. Meal Prep- I love how cute and helpful these pages can be. 

27. Gift Lists- Ever see something and say to yourself, “Man, ____ would really like that”? Keep a list of things people would like so that you don’t worry about it when it comes to holiday time or birthdays. 

28. Grocery Lists- Every time I go shopping, I forget something because I didn’t write it down. 

29. Goals- Oh, yes! It’s 2018. We need some goals. Monthly, weekly, daily, YEARLY. Just get some goals and aim for them. 

30. Recipes To Try- I see nice recipes all the time on Facebook, but I never think about them again after I keep scrolling. It’s bad. 

31. Daily Affirmations- Give yourself some compliments and some emotional support

32. Business Plan- Make yourself a good businesswoman or businessman or businessperson in 2018. You got this. 

33. Birthdays- Keep track of all those important people in your life that need to be remembered on their special day. 

34. Work Hour Log- Sometimes we don’t keep track of all the things we get paid for. Actual work, babysitting, photography jobs, writing jobs, pet sitting, house sitting, etc. 

35. Wishlists- Not so you can #treatyourself, but so that you can make note of things you really want. 

36. Gratitude Log- It’s always good to have a moment of gratitude with yourself. Make it a monthly challenge if you need to!

37. Quotes- Your own, friend quotes, celebrity quotes, author quotes, and lyrics. 

38. Illustrations and Doodles- Doodling helps you keep your mind fresh and ready to react quickly to situations. 

39. Jokes- Your own, ones you heard, ones you read, etc. 

40. New Discoveries and Interesting Facts- Find a new interesting fact? How about that lemonade is basically Sprite in almost any other country than America?

41. Travel Log- Places you want to go! There are so many ways to do this, so look up different versions before starting!

42. Family and Friend Favorites- Their favorite colors, animals, stores, places, hobbies, etc. 

43. DIY Projects- Things you want to try out someday. 

44. Chore List- Keep track of when you do your chores so that your house doesn’t become disgusting or dusty. 

45. Bucketlist- What do you want to do before graduation, moving out, marriage, having kids, etc. 

46. Story Ideas- I always come up with story ideas and then when I sit down to write them, I blank. 

47. Period Log- For people with periods that have many PMS symptoms or even PMDD symptoms. This is a great way to show your doctor all of the things you go through each cycle. 

48. Words That Make You Happy- Silly words, ugly words, words that are fun to say, etc. 

49. Things That Make You Happy- People, places, and things. 

50. Monthly Habits- Water intake, cleaning, bathing, exercising, reading, etc. 

51. Story Titles- This can be titles for books, short stories, poems, or just nice sounding titles for anything. 

52. Made Up Words- I make myself laugh with all the words I make up on the daily. 

53. Follower Counter- This page keeps me inspired to keep doing what I love. 

54. Index- Always have an index for easy access to the pages you want to find. 

55. Icons- Sometimes we need to have icons to make our pages pretty. Sometimes we make too many icons and never use them (me). 

56. Packing List- For those who travel often or stay at friends’ houses more than our own, it’s good not to forget the things we need. 

57. Morning Routines- Our bodies need routines for mornings to get us ready for the day. 

58. Nightly Routines- Our bodies need routines for nights to prepare us for sleep. (see what I did there?)

59. Weight Tracker- If you’re struggling with your weight, keep a chart tracker or add your daily weight to your calendar. 

60. Pen Test Page- If you get new pens, highlighters, or markers, its best to test them out before using them. 

61. Brain Dump- Sometimes we just need to jot down ideas or thoughts. It’s okay if they don’t make sense. 

62. Spending Log- Keep track of what you spend because you might need that someday. 

63. Water Tracker- HYDRATE

64. Habit Tracker Reward System- This is something I came up with myself, so if you have questions, message me!

65. Name Lists (For Babies and Stories)- Keep a list of cool names for characters or even future babies. 

66. Looking Forward To...- Birthdays, holidays, raises, pay days, vacations, etc. 

67. Compliment Lists- Make a list of your go-to compliments, your favorite ones people have given you, etc. 

68. Level 10 Life- Please look up what this is before jumping into it!

69. Pet Care Log- Keep track of how much you do with your pets. Walks, play time, park time, play dates, baths, etc. 

70. Achievements- What have you done that you are proud of?

71. Weekly Log- Keep track of your week. This is one of the most used pages in any bullet journal honestly. 

72. Monthly Log- Another overly used page in any bullet journal. Very important. 

73. Daily Log- I don’t do this too often, but I know it helps others who really need a whole page for each day. 

74. Bill Tracker- This was fun to make and something I will be using now

75. Income Tracker- How much and how frequently do you get paid?

76. Deadline Page- Prepare yourself for things that you need to get done. Do not procrastinate this year!

77. Vocabulary Practice- Sometimes we just need to educate ourselves on our own terms. (and with our own terms. Anyone? Anyone?)

78. Doctor Appointment Log- If you don’t want to add them to your calendar or they are too far out to add to the calendar you’re using. 

79. Username and Password List- Be careful with this page. If someone finds your bullet journal, this could be bad. 

80. Monthly Cover Page- These are so cute! I just started doing them, but they make my journal so artsy and pretty. 

81. Dream Log- This is a fun one. Track your dreams. This would be good to line up with how many hours you get as well. 

82. Favorites List- What are YOUR favorites? Movies, snacks, drinks, subjects, people, colors, animals, etc. 

83. Habits To Break- Do you bite your nails? Quote The Office too much? Throw clothes into piles on your floor? STOP THAT. 

84. Small Things That Matter- Puppies, getting up in the morning, pennies, smiling at yourself, laughter, etc. Remind yourself that there is good in the world. 

85. Things To Sell- Get rid of the things you don’t need. Or make things to sell! Be prosperous this year. 

86. School Schedule- High school and college students really need this. Even teachers do too. Make a chart of your classes, room numbers, buildings, and times.

87. House Projects- Things that need fixing or improvements around the house. 

88. Day Trip Ideas- Fun places to go when you have the time. 

89. Things I Am Bad At- It’s okay to admit our shortcomings and work on them. Or just accept them for what they are. 

90. Resolutions- YES! Make yourself this better this year. Be the best you. 

91. Crochet/Knit Log- When making a blanket, small items, or just keeping track of your improvements in your skill. 

92. Future Planning- Make a list of the things you want in your future and how you plan on getting them. 

93. Quirk List- Ever notice you do small little weird things? Make a list to appreciate who you are. 

94. Who Borrowed What- Sometimes people borrow things and you forget until you need it again. By then, they threw it out or gave it to someone else. 

95. Six Word Stories- Get those creative juices pumping. 

96. Love Yourself- Write down all the things you love about yourself. Appreciate yourself. 

97. Paying It Back- Honestly, a good page to have, but it doesn’t get much attention from me. 

98. Childhood Dreams- We should always try to look back on what we thought we wanted

99. Good Deed Ideas- Ever think “wow, wouldn’t it be great if I could _____”?

100. Mind Mapping- There are a few reasons I really enjoy this, but it really helps me get my thoughts and ideas out more easily

[persistenthobbler-blog]

Here’s the thing about pain management

I’m a chronically ill person with several chronic conditions and chronic pain. I have AS, Endo, as well as frequent headaches, GI issues, and joint pain that have yet to be diagnosed. Keep in mind that all of this has set in within the last year or so and, before that, I was quite healthy besides having PMDD. Pain management was not a part of my life like it is now. 

As soon as you say “I’m in pain” or “I have chronic pain,” everyone has suggestions to fix it. They mean well. Some people even know what they’re talking about and have good suggestions. I just want to bring some attention to how difficult and complicated it can be to implement some very simple techniques. Keep in mind that I try to utilize all of these methods, but sometimes I’m not able to or they’re completely ineffective. 

1. Get more sleep - This is a suggestion that I’ve taken completely to heart since my chronic fatigue has set in. More sleep is not an option. Unfortunately, as a student, getting all the sleep I need is nearly impossible. My body sometimes demands a ridiculous amount of sleep that makes it impossible to complete assignments and other tasks. I often have to decide: Do I want to sleep more and maybe feel a bit better, or complete this urgent responsibility and deal with the consequences?

2. Exercise - Because I have AS, I have to exercise. However, I only have around eight hours of energy per day to do everything I need to do before I crash. Exercise requires a lot of energy that sometimes needs to be devoted to dishes, homework, shopping, or taking a shower. My other symptoms also interfere with my ability to exercise. Have you ever tried to do yoga with a splitting headache, a fever, eye irritation, nausea, body aches, and back pain? 

3. Medication - Of course I take medication. I take birth control to stop my periods for my endometriosis. Sometimes I have to take anti-inflammatories for my AS. The problem is that these medications do just enough good with just enough side effects that I can’t justify taking anything stronger. I can’t take NSAIDs all the time, even though they would help with pain, because that causes awful liver and kidney issues. NSAIDs also make me very tired so even if I take them, I’m practically useless for the rest of the day. Short-term side effects include dehydration, nausea, and constipation. Even the strongest NSAID doses don’t take care of the pain that much but the only other option is to either take VERY strong painkillers (highly addictive and very bad for long-term use) or biologics (which essentially weaken my immune system and increase my risk of cancer). 

4. A change in diet - Oh I love some good fruits and vegetables. I can’t eat them as often as I’d like because of the expense (my medications cost quite a bit) and also because cooking and washing dishes can be physically painful for me. Stooping and scrubbing especially is murder on my back and can trigger a flare. Also, when I’m very nauseous from my endo or cocktail of NSAIDs I have to take sometimes, something very acidic like an orange or strawberry is murder on my stomach. I eat more canned soup and bread than I would like. (Btw, I’ve been tested for celiac and I don’t have it so leave me and my saltines alone)

5. Using CBD - I do use it but only sparingly because of the expense. During bad months when I’ve splurged and bought enough to truly help, I’ve spent around $100 buying stuff I need for just 3-4 weeks. That’s way too much.

6. Heat / cold therapy - I take a LOT of hot baths and use a lot of icy hot. My heating pad is my best friend. This can help with more muscular or surface-level pain but it doesn’t do much for my very deep pain in the joint capsules in my spine and it does nothing for my other symptoms like nausea or inflamed/dry eyes.

7. Massage therapy - Massages are wonderful but I’m not made of money. Insurance will not cover them so every massage costs well over $60 and relief is only temporary because it doesn’t address the underlying causes of my pain.

8. Essential oils - I’m not going to lie. I have a diffuser because essential oils just smell so nice. Has eucalyptus oil stopped my spine from trying to fuse together? Ehhhh not yet. I only use them for morale.

9. Mindfulness meditation - Yeah when people suggest this I’m inclined to think that they understand my pain as all in my head. It’s not. I have the blood work to prove it. Meditation can help me accept the pain that I’m experiencing and feel it with less panic but it doesn’t lessen the pain. I’m sorry but deep breathing doesn’t fix it.

10. Supplements - I’ve tried this before with far-fetched hopes that my body would perform slightly better with more folic acid. My problems are not caused by any nutritional deficiency so supplements don’t really help me. In fact, my gut is so sensitive that throwing an iron capsule in there can make me feel incredibly sick. I’m still experimenting with some supplements but I have no hope that they’re going to mitigate pain. I just want thicker hair, y’all. 

11. Kratom - I’ve tried it and I think I may be slightly allergic. When I take a little, I feel no effect and when I take a lot, I still feel no effect except a very angry stomach. 

12. Steroids, botox, and every other injection you’ve heard of - these are legitimately helpful for some conditions but not mine. When people suggest really specific and off-the-wall things either a) they have personal experience with this treatment for whatever reason and think it might help or b) they read an article about how someone got a shot of a miracle drug and never had another headache again. It’s almost always B. 

13. Surgery - Never once has an actual medical professional suggested that I need surgery. I currently don’t. This one always comes from people who think the answer to a serious ailment is to go under the knife. I can see where they get this but no.

14. “Toughening up” - *Sigh* THIS IS NOT A SOLUTION TO ANYTHING. To a certain extent, everyone with chronic pain is implementing this strategy, but we all know that it takes a toll. Sometimes I have the option of continuing to do an activity even though it causes pain. Choosing this option almost always ends quite badly. Unless you can give me the next two days to recover, if I say I have to stop, I have to stop. Trust me. I’ve done the whole “just push through” thing enough times to know when I’m not going to be able to walk the next day. 

Let’s imagine that I adopt every strategy at my disposal to cope with pain. Let’s imagine that I do an hour of PT every day, that I “eat clean,” take the strongest meds I can (even when they incapacitate other functions), get massages every week, meditate all the time, and sleep ten hours every day. If I do all of that, I might decrease my pain slightly but I’ll still have incurable illnesses causing more pain. Can you even imagine how much time and money it would take to lower my pain even a little? Pain management is important, of course, but it can’t be a full-time job and it certainly can’t be my life. 

I kind of just need others to reach the same realization that I did: that I’m sick, I’m in pain, and this is the way things are now. I need help and I need to keep seeking treatment, but ultimately, I have very little control over the pain. I just have to try and manage it. 

[pattytacuri]

10/12/22

I've been in a funk since last week and went into a major depressive episode but I came out of it last night. 🙃 I've been looking at the divorce paperwork this past weekend and even filled a couple of things out. I didn't think it would affect me because duh, this relationship has been dead since 2018 and it's what I want and need to move forward. But then, my mood went into a downward spiral and I thought it was something else and I kept obsessing about it. It wasn't that. Even though, I'm the petitioner in this divorce thing and my starter husband is being cooperative, I'm still losing this part of my identity and its strange. Also, there is the part about telling my youngest that I dread. Its a lot to think about and process and add my horrible PMDD hormones to the mix and it adds an extra layer of stress. I could take the easy way out and not do it but I'm not that person. When I'm determined to do something, I do it even if it takes me years.

Today I was looking for some other paperwork and ran across all of my oldest son's old IEPs and bitchy emails I used to send to his school. I remembered when my child was first diagnosed with autism and I was scared. I was only 22 and uneducated and had no idea how I was going to navigate the school system to get him the services he needed. I had no idea if he'd be able to live a "normal/typical" life someday. It sucked. I just knew I had to keep moving forward and do the best I could with it. I became this hard core Karen like advocate for my child and that became this huge part of my identity. It worked. But then when he became an adult I lost that identity and that was hard for me. I bring this story up because I'm reminded time and time again, I can do these really hard things that seem impossible at times and succeed. Idk what it is tbh. Call it blind faith, strength, whatever but today I understood that making this transition in our family is what's best for us even if it feel hard.