living-with-emotion

[living-with-emotion]

You do not get to demand respect or gratitude simply because you spread your legs and i was the end result. You were in no way thinking of me or the possibility of me when you did it. You were thinking of making yourself feel good either for physical touch or the promise of scoring afterwards. So either way, it was a purely selfish act on your part. All i did was interfere with your ability to continue to be selfish which is why you were rarely in my life after the fact. Don't whine to me about being confused or too young or having a troubled childhood. I am the last person you want to come to with excuses like that. But i won't get into a pissing contest about who had it worse. I will, however, point out to you that i have 2 healthy, happy, well adjusted young ladies that i am raising. They know what it's like to have a mother who loves them. They know what it's like to have makeover days, and bake cakes together. They know what it's like to go to their mother when the world is scary and they want to hide in her arms. Their lives aren't going to be perfect, but i won't ever stop trying for them. I wake up every day and try to be the best mother i can for them. That's what you do. You look at those small, puffy little faces in the hospital and you realize that your life is no longer your own. From that day forward your life belongs to them and you are grateful for it. I don't understand how you didn't get that, but i do feel sorry for you because you won't ever know that feeling. Living for someone else has been the greatest gift I've ever had. Living selfishly just leaves you empty and lonely.

[living-with-emotion]

I am accused of being cold and uncaring more often than I'd like. In truth, by the time I've come to someone to open up I've probably already felt a rainbow of emotions and ugly cried myself damn near into convulsions at least once. So I feel everything, but I don't show everything. When I'm ready to talk about it, I want my voice to be unwavering so I can get my message across clearly and without misinterpretation if at all possible. By the time I'm trying to talk about it, I'm tired of feeling everything and I am trying desperately to be logical, to be rational, because being emotional doesn't seem to be accomplishing anything. Maybe this is how I end up compartmentalizing things. If I let myself drown in the emotions unchecked it may never end. I stayed in bed for weeks when I separated from my first husband. I didn't eat. I didn't bath. I cried and slept. I had a 6 year old and an infant to take for during that time and I couldn't even tell you how I was caring for them. I remember snapshots of happiness here and there with my girls. I also remember at least one month that I starved myself because everything made me feel ill.

Another time I attempted to just let myself feel everything I ended up binge drinking and crying on the floor of a bar unable to stand.

Tell me that's not healthy coping? So I cry in my shower, alone. I cry in my car, alone. I write it out or talk it out with myself. I read. I stare at the ceiling or the back of my eyelids until I'm ready. Maybe that's not the way either, but so long as I only let it out in small bursts, I can continue functioning as a mother and employee. It doesn't mean that I don't care. I'm just trying not to open the flood gate and down in the rush of emotion.

[living-with-emotion]

Baby Steps

My therapist would be so proud. The past 36 hours I've told a difficult truth 3 times. For a woman who came clean about having an affair just a few days ago, I've had plenty of hard truths to tell as of late.

After talking to my wise and wonderful sister tonight I think I need to stop the physical affection on all fronts. It's distracting and too easy for me to fall right back into old routines. That's not growth and growth is what I desperately need.

[living-with-emotion]

Today was a whirlwind. It flew by so quickly, for which I am grateful. I barely had time to think about my nerves aching or the doctor's appointments I need to make or reschedule. I had a brief break in the clouds too. I have a white knuckle grip on that sliver of sunlight. If I want to keep it, then I will need to be brave. I will need to stop tiptoeing around everyone else's feelings and do what I need to to get right. This is gonna be rough, but it's long overdue. I am so bad at setting and maintaining boundaries. I'm too old to be acting like a scared child though. Enough is enough.

[living-with-emotion]

I remember now.

[living-with-emotion]

It's only been a few days and I don't even feel alive anymore. I'm back in that waking sleep I thought I was finally done with. No amount of prescriptions or therapy sessions are going to help me with this. I was a fool to think I could make myself happy that way. I guess when you're a shitty person, and you know that you're shitty, but do nothing to change it, you will never get the happy you crave.

[living-with-emotion]

The Other Man

I cried on the drive home from work today. I knew he wouldn't reach out to me, but I still hoped for it. I have to keep reminding myself that cutting everybody off is the best thing for me. I told my husband about the affair kind of hoping he'd leave me. Then I could be alone with my self pity to drown myself in it. But he won't ever leave me and he won't ever let me leave him. I've tried to several times. It's easier to stay. It's easier to just remain on auto pilot. I had thought for a brief moment that I had found someone I could be with in every way and still have the independent life for myself that I crave so much. We had... have... whatever, we had great chemistry. We thought a lot alike. We valued a lot of the same things. We seemed to have so much more in common than myself and my husband do. Then I started to do that thing I always do. I began to over promise and under deliver. I knew better than to let emotions grow unchecked while I was still married, even though I planned to leave. I know me. I knew damn well that ending my marriage wouldn't happen right away, if at all. We waited what seemed like forever just to make sure my feelings weren't based on the change in medication and to make sure I wasn't just rebounding from my marriage. Looking back, we didn't wait long enough. I wanted so desperately to tell SOMEBODY "I love you" that I thought it could be him. I wanted it to be. I want it still I suppose. I imagine that's why I hoped he'd come to me today as was the original plan before everything went pear shaped. I need to mourn our relationship. How do you cry for a lover while sitting next to your husband? I'm such a monster. How can I feel sorry for myself after hurting these two men?

[living-with-emotion]

Here We Go

Here I am, almost 37 years old and I don’t feel like I know any more about myself or the world than I did at 27 or 17. I still can’t trust my own emotions. By that I mean, my emotions are literally dictated by my hormones and certain chemical levels in my brain. But that’s everyone right? There’s no magic dust floating around or lovey arrows being shot around making people feel any kind of way. Everything is purely chemical. I wish I had paid more attention in chemistry class in high school. I hated that class. I’m fairly certain that I’d still hate it.

Since I’m new to this blogging thing and couldn’t find a place to put in some kind of bio, I’ll just make it my first post. 

I am married and have 2 children from my first marriage. I’ve lived overseas. I’ve run away from home. I’ve been cheated on and been the cheater. I’ve pretty much been there and done that when it comes to so may things, but I still feel very sheltered. 

I was diagnosed as depressed right around age 20. I was prescribed Effexor XR and took that for a few years, I can’t remember how long exactly. All I can remember is that I decided to stop taking it without consulting my doctor. I wasn’t feeling the lows anymore, but I wasn’t feeling the highs either. Once I stopped taking it I recall being the happiest I had ever been for the next 12 months. Then I moved to Japan and I was very isolated. Fast forward several years, I’m in my late 20s, divorced with 2 children, and in a very controlling and manipulative relationship with an older man. I talk to my doctor about getting a new prescription. I ask for Effexor because it was what I knew. My doctor seemed hesitant because of how different that particular drug is from most mainstream antidepressants, but I insisted. Not long after that, and after a discussion with my doctor, she tells me that she believes I have PMDD. The treatment for that? Why, it’s antidepressants of course! But I was already taking those, but she just had me double my dosage 2 weeks out of every 4. That only took a month or 2 before I felt suicidal for the first time in my life. I quit cold turkey. I’d been depressed before obviously, even so much that I lost weight at the rate of 1 pound a day and let me home fill with clutter and trash while I remain in bed pretty much 24/7. I had never been suicidal though. I tend to enjoy the self pity too much to want it to end, but I digress. Years later I get that itch again. I’m now in a new relationship and feeling very trapped and unhappy. So I talk to my doctor. This time, a different medication is written. Cymbalta was supposed to be the answer to my prayers. I remain on it for a few years. I find that it makes me very sleepy within an hour of taking it which causes stress on my relationship because the only time I can see my signifcant other, I am drugged and sleepy. But I’m not unhappy. I’m kinda on auto-pilot. My life is happening around me, but I’m not really participating. Earlier this year I decided to stop taking it and ask my new doctor for something else. After a few trials and errors, we landed on Wellbutrin. I love this drug, but my husband does not. I feel more alert now and more like an active participant in my own life. 

It’s like waking from a dream, except I wasn’t dreaming. I was making decisions about my life that I really don’t feel like I would have it I hadn’t been medicated. Suddenly I’m not happy, but not in a depressed kind of way. It’s more of a “I need to make some serious changes” kind of way. So that’s where I am at now. Trying desperately to figure out what I want, who I am, and what my next move needs to be. Up to now I’ve kind of just went along with everything. I don’t think I can be happy with that way of living any more. I need to get in the game while I’m still young enough to play.