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woolydemon · 4 years ago

Note

what are your thoughts on blurr?

I HAVE... MANY OF THEM. This is gonna be a long one (also im assuming ur talking abt tfa blurr)

First impression

I was just scrolling though the TFA tags before finishing my first watch of the show (bc... I'm like that I guess. I am willing to spoil myself stuff just so I can see fanart of them before I finish the show </3) and OF COURSE I saw him.

I immediately was like "OH,, HIS DESIGN IS FUN,," and he was a lil hyped up for me based on how ppl are like "look at this lil cute boy <33!!!!!"

Impression now

He's... not a "lil cute boy <33". But thank goodness he isn't bc I love him for that.

hearing his voice for the first time caught me off guard since ppl were drawing him.. In a certain way that doesn't quite indicate how much of a cringe nerd he actually is. He's just such a weirdo!! And thank god for that!! I wouldn't want him any other way, also I related heavily to his talking habits that's where the roots of kinning happened </3

What's also cool is that he is still kinda badass while still definitely being such a dweeb, like he ran across the galaxy!!! How did he do that??? Fucked up. Also despite being somewhat eccentric, he is definitely one of the most level headed characters on the show and that's just a fun concept to me :]

Favorite moment

probably all 13 minutes he appears in the show?????? (listen. i like him a lot)

like idk even his appearances in Velocity are interesting bc like... What is he thinking while all of this is happening.

is frothing at the mouth with rage at being controlled like a remote control toy car?? Is he freaking out over the fact he almost killed bumblebee?? is he impressed by how bee was able to quickly access situations and respond accordingly to them?? The possibiwittys..

but aside from that i just love seeing blurr being blurr at any moment, I give him full permission to infodump at all times

(also i love seeing him banter with bumblebee, wish we got more of that dynamic but alas </3)

Idea for a story

ooogh... i got some ideas.

I love seeing stories abt him dealing with the cube trauma but sometimes I think about what if he just went over to shockwave in prison and lashes out at him but in the end it just. Doesn't make him feel better and he's like "WOW. THIS SUCKS I NEED THERAPY"

Then there's an AU I've been thinking of where Blurr joins the crew from the start bc Ultra Magnus wanted someone to keep direct tabs on Optimus for him (and also intel didn't want to deal with him anymore so they just willingly sent him away </3) then u explore how he fits into the crew now (bonus points if he actually joins illegal street racing on his own terms this time, and then bee finds out and is like "dude what the fuck". There's reasons for this of course- this didnt come outta nowhere)

Then there's all the blurrbee fics that are in my brain, but the one I find rlly fun and interesting is Blurr gets forced to have a partner bc the cube incident and of course he's like "no!! I want to avoid social interaction bc i have social anxiety problems" but he looks at the list of new elite guard members for him to mentor and he sees. Bumblebee on that list. Apparently Bee's got the chops to be a really good scout, plus his reputation as a member of Team Prime made them willing to accept him into the Elite Guard. So now Bee is mentored by Blurr and is also Blurr's emotional support bot, plus they go on fun adventures and fall in love <3 good for them

Unpopular opinion

as I've said.. blurrs not a "lil cute boy". He's not some pushover!!! he's immensely stubborn and does not let willingly let anything get in his way!! He is also super intolerant of bullshit so he's probably going to shut down any of that before it gets out of hand

also while i do rlly like the idea of longarm and Blurr being friends, I think it's rlly funny if they were bitter workplace rivals and constantly going back and forth being extremely passive aggressive while maintaining professionalism. Like how blurr was sent to earth by longarm before he was able to get his breakthrough on the Flipsides case!! I imagine that conversation being like

Longarm: hello agent Blurr, I know you have been dedicating a lot of time and energy in figuring out who amongst the entertainment guild could possibly be a sleeper agent but I'm afraid I will have to postpone that by sending you in earth to monitor Optimus prime and his crew uwu

blurr: oh. .. thats. Completely fine sir. *Cuts to him later banging his head against the wall*

Favorite relationship

hmm.. I wonder whats my favorite relationship with Blurr in it?????? wat a mystery.. /j

OK Yeah. Its Blurrbee. I'm just so in love with their dynamic in the show and also what ISNT in the show. There's actually this bit in the Allspark Almanac where Blurr talks about how he thinks of Bumblebee as slightly annoying but has his heart in the right place and??? That's so sweet?? Blurr genuinely has a good opinion of Bee from the start and respects him which is. Very different from how a lot of other bots see Bumblebee.

I'm just saying, blurrbee dynamics ARE THERE and they are INTERESTING!!! Please think abt them please think abt them plea

Favorite headcanon

I think Blurr is very defensive of any friends he manages to actually have. Like he cares abt ppl like Wheelie and Dug Base A LOT.

You can call him a weirdo all you want, he doesn't care. But you start making fun of how Wheelie or Dug Base talk?? Ur gonna face his righteous fury!!!!!! He will end ur life and I might not be joking about this

#transformers #blurr #tfa #transformers animated #tfa blurr #// long post #thank u for letting me go crazy stupid abt blurr <3 #thoughts moments

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unrelenting-jazz-hands · 4 years ago

Text

He picked the wrong seat.

(This is something that’s been floating in my head. I love college!AUs and I’m just happy to be here. I like the idea of Levi studying to be a social worker and Hange being a behavioural Neuropsychology prof/researcher. plus Hange would have rats... this fic is just a place for her to have rats and rat friends.)

He didn’t know it when he first sat down on the couch, but he should have known it when a woman in maroon sweatpants staggered up to his couch.

She placed the tower of books and papers she was carrying onto the couch with a grunt that let on how heavy the pile had been. She shook out her arms before sitting on the other side of newly formed blockade. Levi glanced her way and leaned over to throw a scowl, to make sure she knew the disruption was not appreciated.

But she just sat quietly and read. So, he didn’t move, he figured it would be fine. He should have moved.

And she just sat quietly and read. So, he didn’t move, he figured it would be fine. He should have moved.

"Hange! Hey, Hange! There you are, why didn't you answer your phone?" A young man jogged over to the woman sitting on the couch next to Levi.

Levi's scowl deepened, and he glanced at his watch, not for the first time in the last 15 minutes. His own class finished over an hour ago, but Isabel's lecture wouldn't be finished for another 45 minutes. It was getting late, and as the air grew colder, the nights were getting darker. He didn't like the idea of her walking home alone at this time of night. Furlan thought he was being dramatic, they weren’t on Understreet anymore.

The kid approached the couch and dropped his bag unceremoniously at her feet. He looked a little older than Isabel. Fuck, he was dreading the day she introduces some dumb boyfriend to him.

The woman slowly looked up and seemed more startled than she should have been to see the kid in front of her. She blinked and looked at her watch.

"Oh, it's 6:45 already? Hey Jean! Sorry, I lost track of time." One of her hands was still on the stack of books that was starting to lean just a little too much for Levi's comfort.

He shifted away and glanced around the room. The atrium was busy and noisy. There wouldn't be anywhere else to sit this side of campus on a gloomy September night. The choices were to either sit here or to stand somewhere like a weirdo. He grumbled to himself and looked back down at his notes.

Jean shrugged, "All good, Hange. But, where's your phone? You didn't see my messages?"

Hange looked down at the report in her hand as though she expected herself to be holding the phone. "Oh... I thought I had it." She attempted to pat down her jacket pockets (of which there were far too many) and then tried to use her foot to move her bag towards her.

Glancing up at the kid with a slight frown, "what's up? Why? Did something happen at the lab?"

"No," Jean said with smile, "Armin was just asking what time he should tell his tutorial the kick-off party starts. And then just to say that the slides for the lecture tomorrow look good."

Levi watched out of the corner of his eyes as Jean bent down to help the woman check her bag for her phone and mumbled, "We really should get you a case you can clip to your belt or something…"

"A-ha!" Hange raised a fist clenched around a flip phone, and then suddenly, she was holding it with two hands.

Her pile of books had had enough and was about to topple over when Levi's arms shot out to steady the tower before it collapsed on the brunette. She hadn't even noticed.

He didn't mean to catch the books before they fell. He really hadn't planned on moving at all; the books weren't even falling his way. It was her own damn fault if she didn't notice. But, his body was just too used to moving quickly to catch pictures, mugs, and lamps before they could reach the floor. It wasn't a coincidence that they didn't have many breakables in the apartment, what with the way Isabel was constantly twirling around and Furlan's sleepwalking.

When Hange did notice, a few seconds later, she let out a startled yelp and attempted to use her whole body to steady her library.

"Shit, no! That's making it worse," Levi said, not bothering to hide his annoyance. He steadied the pile again and kept his arms holding it up for a while longer before shooting a glare to the airhead next to him.

"Sorry, sorry!" Hange said with a laugh. She grinned at him from around the books, "thanks a bunch, though! Wild reflexes!"

He rolled his eyes, "You just weren't paying attention."

She raised an eyebrow and cracked a grin, "what? Were you staring at me?"

Levi felt his cheeks go warm and diverted his gaze from the woman's laughing eyes.

"No, I wasn't," he said curtly, "I was just sitting in the fucking danger zone."

He made sure the books were steadied before he picked up his notebook again.

The kid in front of them coughed and shifted around uncomfortably. "Thanks, man," he said while giving Levi a quick once over. "If those textbooks go down, all the paper she's stuffed into them would have ended up everywhere. It took hours to match the notes up to their text pages again."

Jean reached over and started restacking Hange's stuff on the floor while she held on. She still looked like she found the whole thing much too funny for Levi's liking. He decided not to look her way.

"You should really organize your shit better," Levi mumbled, keeping his eyes on his paper.

Hange leaned her head back against the couch, "aww, man... that's what everyone says. I've tried, guys! It just never lasts." She let out an exasperated sigh.

Jean muttered something too quiet for Levi to catch, but Hange nudged him with her foot and shot him a look.

"Well, enjoy carting around half the library then..." Levi shot her way and that, he hoped, was their last interaction.

Hange looked down at Levi's open binder, which was neatly labelled and visibly well organized.

She let out a small "huh," before turning her attention to the kid again.

"Alright, Jean! Well, the kick-off party starts at 8:30 at the Wallflower. I'll head over after my lectures and locking up the lab." She frowned, "wait, why wouldn't people join? Puppy therapy is always super busy."

Jean sighed and leaned his head to the side, "yeah, but Hange. I mean, the hype just isn't the same with rats. Plus, the lab is intense and the hours for the regular meetings are kind of random."

Levi frowned at his notes. What the fuck? Fucking weirdo...

Hange sighed, "yeah, you're right." Then shot him a bright grin, "But! I swear I'm about to get a big grant to really kick it all up a notch! We're really getting somewhere, and we can maybe take on a few more assistants next semester to help with all the data entry that's going to need to happen!" She was basically bouncing.

She paused and looked around the room quickly before returning her fiery gaze back to Jean, who was looking a little frazzled.

"And get this, Jean Boy, I've been working on something with Moblit. I can't get into it right now, but it could be really big if it all goes according to plan. Like really big!" She was bouncing again. Her hand gestures were getting more exaggerated and much too close to Levi's personal space. He decided to just lean away and scowl instead of getting dragged into another conversation.

Jean narrowed his eyes, "Wait, like big for you and research nerds or big as in normal people big."

Hange grabbed his hands, "like brand new wing big. Like the Rat Pack Club goes on vacation big."

Levi was still looking at his notes. He had to admit he was starting to be a little more curious than he was annoyed. She was trying to whisper but wasn't doing a very good job at it. God, it was like she didn't know how to be quiet.

"Wait, so this is something you're working on with Dr. Berner? I thought you were still heartbroken from him switching labs," Jean asked while trying to take his hands back. "Is he back?"

Hange shook her head, and her smile dimmed a little, "no, my ride or die still over at the Medical Imaging Lab in the comp sci building." She perked up and continued on, "But! It may have worked out for us in the end!"

Jean looked a little less tired now, "huh... well, when can you tell us about it? Who knows about it?"

Hange let out a low chuckle, "uh, well, don't tell anyone. It started as just a little side project for Moblit, Nanaba, Nifa, and me. We didn't expect it to really go anywhere. So keep it to yourself, for now, I'll let y'all know when I can."

Jean nodded. He looked determined and, suddenly, a lot younger than he had a minute ago. He gave a mock salute, "you got it, Doc!"

Hange mirrored his salute and gave him a wink. "Awesome, ok! Oh, also, did you have any questions about tomorrow's lecture?"

Jean shrugged and shook his head, "nah, I looked it over, and it's pretty chill. Cog Psyc was a fun course."

Levi glanced up and looked at the top right corner of his notes. Intro to Cognitive Psychology.

"And that's exactly the vibe we want this semester! Fun!" Hange exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air.

"Yeah… ok, fun. I can do that," Jean mumbled. "I'll tell Armin," he said as he turned to go. The kid waved lazily over his shoulder, "See ya tomorrow, Hange!"

"Get home safe, Jean! Tell Sasha and Connie I say hello," Hange waved to the back of the kid's head before leaning back and slouching down.

"Rat Pack Club goes on vacation. Ha! Take that monkey brain," Hange muttered with a smile. She closed her eyes like she getting ready to take a long nap in the middle of the atrium, which was getting less busy as time went by.

"Oh!" She exclaimed and shot up and turned to face Levi with a much-too-bright smile, "I forgot to introduce myself!"

She stuck out a hand that was covered in ink smudged. Levi felt the corner of his lips fall and held back a snarky comment; he really was trying to be less pissy, as Isabel put it. He sighed and reached out to shake her hand. He had hand sanitizer in his pocket.

"I'm Zoe Hange, but please call me Hange! Nice to meet you, and thanks for saving my books!"

Levi nodded, "Levi." He went to take his hand back, but the weirdo was still shaking it.

"You're taking Psyc 221 tomorrow, right? That's awesome. I hope you're ready for a heckin' good semester, Levi!" Hange was still shaking his hand.

"Yeah. Yeah, it sounds great," Levi mumbled as he jerked his hand away from her grip.

"Is this your first semester here? Transfer student? Do you live on campus? What courses are you taking?" Hange kept going as though he looked happy to be there instead of inching away and gathering his papers to leave.

"Second semester here, transferred from Wallrose College," Levi muttered. He didn't want to admit it, but Hange's enthusiasm was putting him on edge. What the fuck was she on?

Hange nodded enthusiastically, "That's great! Welcome, and if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask! I'll be your lecturer for PSYC 221. My lab's down in the Neuro wing, so feel free to stop by if you have any questions!" She pointed down the hall that had a staircase at the end of it. "I always really enjoy having some older students," she continued, "at least someone to make eye contact with when the kids make a reference I don't know." Hange smiled at him before rummaging through her pocket and proceeding to hand him a business card. He didn't want to take it, but he also didn't want to piss off his professor. Fuck it, whatever.

"I know what you mean. My younger sister is always trying to get me to do these stupid fucking dances for TikTok or whatever the fuck," Levi grumbled out as he looked over the card. His eyes flicked upwards to meet hers.

"[email protected]?" He asked with a raised eyebrow. He didn't let it leak into his voice, but, shit… She had to be a few years younger than he was, and she was a professor and director of a research lab. He didn't want to say he was impressed, but he was. But she was also a fucking weirdo.

Hange nodded and smiled widely. She reached back into her pocket, grabbed the card back from Levi, and scrawled something down with the newly retrieved pen. The pen was labelled, pocket pen.

"Yeah! It's the email address for the club I started with some students. My research lab has been doing some behavioural studies with rats, and it's hard not to fall for their little paws and their little eyes. So, every now and then, we get together and hang out and chill with some rats. This Friday, we are having our kick-off party. You should stop by!"

Hange handed him the card back. It had a time, a date, and an address.

"This is more of a social gathering at a bar near campus, not really a regular meeting. It's mostly just a bunch of research assistants and a few of us old folk having some drinks," Hange shrugged, still smiling. She wasn't done, "the usual meetings are chilling with the rats and throwing around ideas. Sometimes the students pitch us some experiments, and then we give them feedback."

Levi didn't think he would go. To the meetings or the party tomorrow. Hell, he knew for sure he wasn't going to go. Still, he nodded and muttered out a half-assed, "sure."

"Plus! The kids don't stay too long at the parties. They eventually head out after a few drinks to the next destination to get trashed where their profs can't see them. So it's only rowdy for a little while. It's been a while since I made it to the second location. I'm not that old, but I'm not that young anymore." She laughed lightly, and Levi was caught off guard by how pretty the sound was.

"I can't Fridays," Levi said as he pocketed the card, "I work Friday afternoons."

Hange nodded, "It's 8:30 to late-thirty, so stop on by if you want! Or if you know someone who'd-"

She was cut off by someone dropping their bag onto Levi's lap.

"What the fuck?" He started, looking up with a scowl. Of fucking course it was Isabel. He looked at his phone and saw 5 missed calls.

"Dude, what's the point of having a phone if you never answer it," Isabel said with a little more sass than Levi was used to. His brow furrowed. He'd ask about that later.

"Don't be a shit," he said gruffly, but still more gently than his usual tone. She made him worry like that. "My phone was on silent."

"Hi! You must be Levi's sister! He mentioned he had a younger sister." Hange stood up and grabbed Isabel's hand with a smile, "I'm Hange. I'll be your brother's professor starting tomorrow. Should I be keeping an eye on him? I feel like he's going to give me a hard time." Hange gave Isabel a wink and a smirk, which the younger girl returned. She looked a little less tense than she had a minute ago.

"Pfft, Nah. He's pretty bland." Isabel replied and shook Hange's hand with significantly more enthusiasm than Levi had. "I'm Isabel. Thanks for engaging with Mr. Grumpy here. He usually just sits there like a weirdo."

Levi stood up and thrust Isabel's bag back into her arms, "Ok, time to go." He turned on his heel and started walking away at a brisk pace.

Hange shouted out, "bye, Levi! See ya tomorrow!"

Levi waved over his shoulder but stopped when he didn't hear Isabel following behind him.

Isabel was still standing next to Hange, who was staring at her pile of books. He groaned and made his way back to the couch as Hange leaned down and tried to pick up the stack.

He placed a hand on Isabel's shoulder and attempted to steer her away.

"Isabel let's go," Levi said.

The young lady shook her head, "Nah. I'm catching a ride with some friends. We're gonna go get some food before heading home! So don't worry about me!" Isabel gave him a look and gestured towards Hange, still mapping out a game plan. Levi pretended not to notice her look and shot her a glare of his own.

"Isabel. Dammit, why did you tell me that before I stayed till the end of your classes?"

Hange let out a chortle and glanced up at them, "Ha! Classic. Have fun, kid!"

"Well, since you don't need to worry about me," Isabel said sweetly, "you're free right now. Hange, let Levi help you with this!" She shoulder-checked Levi and stuck out her tongue at him with a grin.

"I'm sure she's fine," Levi said.

"Oh, man! I would so appreciate it!" Hange all but yelled, standing up suddenly. Her head smashed right into Levi's chin, making them both groan and bring their hands up to their respective injuries.

"Dammit, four-eyes. Be fucking careful," Levi growled. He shot Isabel a look, but it didn't stop her giggling. He was losing his edge.

"Ok, bye! I have my phone, and it won't be on silent!" She waved and hurried off in the direction of the exit. There was a group of girls who waved, laughing, before walking off together. Levi let out an exasperated sigh, but he was happy to see she was making friends. She deserved it.

Groaning, he looked back down. Hange… was just sitting on the floor, next to her pile of books. No, she wasn't just sitting there. She was reading a book.

"Yo, four-eyes. You want help or not."

"Hmm?" She looked up as though unsure of who was talking to her. She blinked her big, brown eyes and then smiled. Her lips formed a little oh, and though she only just remembered where she was. "Oh, yes! Sorry, I got side-tracked there for a minute. How's your chin! I'm really sorry about that!"

She stood and reached out to touch Levi's face.

He took a step back, "You were just touching the floor. I don't want you touching my face!" He felt his cheeks warm up a bit and shifted his gaze. He picked up most of the stupid, fucking books.

She chuckled and reached down to pick up the rest. She looked at him with a grin and replied, "that's a fair point, Shorty."

"Shorty?" Levi all but dropped the books. "Whatever, Four-eyes," he said and stormed away.

He heard some undignified sputtering as she tried to think of a comeback. He smirked. Good, she should feel bad.

"You just called me Four-eyes? What, I can't call you Shorty?"

"Not when I'm doing you a favour," he shot back. " And after you try to break my face!"

"No! Come back, Shor- Levi! I mean... I mean, come help me, Levi," she sounded whiney. He wasn't sure if he liked that sound.

He turned around and saw her trying to pick up the stack again. He let out a sigh and dragged his feet back to the fucking weirdo, again.

"Oh my fucking god… Why do you even have this many books with you?" He said gruffly as he took an armful of the offending items.

"Research!" Hange exclaimed as though it was obvious. She started to walking away at a surprisingly fast pace.

"What the fuck, slow down, weirdo," Levi said. In-fucking-credible.

"Well, come on then!" Hange said, glancing over her shoulder. "My office isn't too far away."

It sure felt like it was, though.

After winding their way through the halls and then down several sets of stairs, Hange finally unlocked a door and turned on the lights of her office. It was absolutely filled with books, with stacks of papers covering every surface. She shuffled into the room, stepping over a few plastic boxes, and placed her cargo on her chair. It was the only surface that had any space. Hange motioned for Levi to hand her his share, which she placed on the ground, next to the chair.

"Fuck, Hange. How the hell do you ever find anything?" Levi said, unable to hide the growing frustration from his tone. He didn't like clutter, and he really didn't like this room. "This is a fucking mess."

"Oh, it's not that bad! I can find what I need eventually!" She waved her hand and flicked off the lights. Hange picked up two plastic boxes, letting out a small grunt as she did so.

"Alright! Let's head out. Close the door, would you?" She nodded to the open door.

"What's in the boxes?" Levi asked, shutting the door. He had no idea why he was still here. Why was he still here, talking to this lunatic. God, he shuttered thinking of the stacks of paper in that little office.

"Oh, just old notebooks that I need to shred, some speakers I need to donate, and then a lot of rat food to bring to the shelter."

He had forgotten about the rats.

He looked over at the tall, lanky woman. She was obviously struggling. Shit.

"Give me those," he muttered as he took the boxes from her.

She let out an audible sigh as she shook out her arms, "oof, thanks a bunch! Ok, it's over this way!"

Levi glanced her way, "what is?"

"My apartment!"

He felt weird about this. He didn't know this person. Well, he did, or he would know her. Tomorrow, anyways. It still felt weird. He wasn't sure he really knew why. He nodded silently and followed her.

He paused when he looked down.

"Are you wearing fucking crocs?"

#levihan #college!au #levi is a loving older brother #and Hange is a delight #I’d carry her books #a mess but I hope u like this mess #aot #attack on titan fanfic #fanfic #levihan fic #myposts

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bimbosupreme · 3 years ago

Note

(It's me again) I was considering sending multiple asks, but I did not want to spam you^^° Also, thanks for inviting my into your DM's, but I must admit that I have deleted my tumblr account a while ago. I have considered making a twitter since most Douman fans seem to be there, but the risk of people I know irl discovering me there (even if I try to keep personal information to a minimum) is too high and generally creating new social media accounts gives me anxiety. I'm available on Discord tho

FIRST I WANNA APOLOGIZE BECAUSE THIS IS A LONG READ, but it’s only long bc I wanna make sure I’ve covered everything 😭😭

Anon if it’s like, relevant stuff I don’t mind being sent multiple asks lol don’t worry (although I get it bc some people would not like that so I appreciate the consideration)

& ohhh ok ok, the great thing about Twitter is that like tumblr it doesn’t ask for u to put up your personal stuff, actually when I started Twitter I didn’t put up anything other than drawings of smt iv & nothing else regarding personal info (even now all I have is my age and nickname bc I don’t want minors following me) and like some years later I made friends off of that - so it’s worked out great for me

so the “Twitter experience” can be whatever u want it to be, I’ve seen accounts that just retweet art & don’t say anything. So if I were u, I’d make one just to follow all the douman artists out there

I totally get the aversion to Twitter tho there are some WEIRDOS out there but you really have to stick your nose in some replies on some nasty tweets to see em lol but any unwanted negative site interaction is from weirdos that search up specific terms into the search bar, see your tweet that mentions that term, and try to get into arguments with you, and u can just block them easily — I haven’t had this happen to me but I’ve seen it a couple of times , plus like I said u don’t even have to tweet stuff, you can just follow artists and then your timeline should be nothing but fanart

Although my biggest annoyance with Twitter is that if you do decide to start one it’ll be like “add people from your contacts” and it’ll have their Twitter accounts up that u can see— and I would assume anyone on ur contacts list, if they decide to make a Twitter, would be able to see your account —but again I personally think if you put up absolutely no information about yourself (you could even fake a nickname) you should be safe

& yeah no I totally get the social anxiety that comes w making a social media account but my friends that also dislike social media just use Twitter to follow artists or we just dm but that’s it

I hardly use discord bc that involves wrestling with my shit pc if I wanna use the pc version and I hate sitting at my computer for a long amount of time (I don’t have a laptop 😔) and I barely open the discord app on my phone (plus it’s a pain in the ass to want to participate in a chat but have to type on mobile since I’d rather type using a keyboard) buuuut I still have one

Typically most people say “only mutuals add me” but I don’t really care so

DarkMoonBlade#3946

If u decide to a end an invite just lemme know who u are —the thing I wanna stress the most is that I don’t want u to feel pressure to add me or do anything you don’t want to & I hope these came across as suggestions rather than some passive aggresive nudging to do stuff

#anon #asks #putting this under a readmore because I just rambled again #but only bc I wanna make sure I’ve covered all bases when I answer so that leads to long answers

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paradife-loft · 4 years ago

Text

A Smattering of More TGCF Thoughts, Having Finished Book 3

*not exhaustive, because that would be way too much; but still apparently enough rambling to need a cut for length

EVERYTHING IS METAPHYSICAL WORLDBUILDING...... I don’t even know if I have a specific place I’d want to start with this, bc it’s all just deeply fascinating trying to tease out how it all works, but. mmmm delicious crunchy worldbuilding on what heavenly officials (of each court) and ghosts even are, and how spiritual power works! what exactly ascending is, and what role “fate” plays in that, and what even is fate really? what relationship does fate have to social standing in one’s mortal life?

this is my shit. I love to know how it all works. I will poke at all the things.

BLACK. WATER. XUAN. it is probably obvious by now that I am in massive hearteyes with He Xuan?? just. the dramatic flair! the extent of being SO wronged! intense murder aesthetic! d e d i c a t i o n. power and planning and being utterly terrifying as a trap closing in when the time comes - and an absolute Weirdo antisocial half-person Mess the rest of the time! “I am going to give you all these tests as opportunities to show that you see me, the person your successes came at the very literal physical cost of, and CARE to rectify that horrible injustice. show me that you give a fuck! show me that you’re not just stuck in your pampered myopic little heavenly heads!”

I am a little disturbed by how quickly I’ve built up a whole headcanon persona and POV for He Xuan already despite. not having finished the book yet. :’D what can I say though, intense capacity for violence, plus messy depression/depersonalisation badbrains, plus unstable identity and literally subsuming other beings into yourself, plus hella fucked up relationship with food... This Is Coming For Me Where I Live rn <33

(nom nom transmisogynists make a delicious crunchy snack~)

honestly it’s kind of like, the more intense my feelings & thoughts about a character are, the harder it is for me to really ramble properly about them without more specific prompts.... oops. but just know, I have many He Xuan thoughts. hot damn.

Yin Yu and Quan Yizhen ;____; god, I just have.... a lot of feelings about the way in which Status Issues Fuck Them Up. and about how Yin Yu ends up taking all this blame not because he’s A Bad Person, but also not because he’s Framed Horribly and Is Totally Innocent? he’s just very real, and imperfect, and his personal shortcomings combine with events to create a complete and utter clusterfuck :(

CORPSE RATS CORPSE RATS :D I am enjoying literally everything that’s eaten other spirits in this book honestly. delightfully fucked up favourite “taking on traits of a thing you consume” trope :D

Mount Tong’lu especially, but also just a certain amount of the aesthetic of this book in general, is once again Reminding Me Of Dark Souls. it’s the combo “gain more power by murdering other entities and consuming their souls” / “transformational Final Level specifically called a kiln” thing, I think.

so I guess it’s canon that the Supremes are a “mentally unstable obsessives only” club??? :’D I have a lot of feelings about much-younger-ghost!Hua Cheng just kind of. spending ten years alternately nerding out over trying to learn to read a dead language, and trying to... depict his devotion and somehow express/externalise the very story of who he even is into this empty underground series of caverns? trying to pound it into his head to, like, remember who he is and make SOME part of the world witness to what’s made him, even though (and because) he can’t actually open up about any of that to any other people?

like hmm, certainly I don’t think he’s losing it during the Mount Tong’lu experience as much as, say, certain other individuals might have (*cough*), because he’s not literally taking the essences of other beings into himself, just getting a power-up - but that alone, killing so much and experiencing that kind of metaphysical change, must already be kind of disorienting and weird? especially if you’re functionally alone the whole time?? which is to say, sure, the thousand gods and all the murals might have been a little bit of a monument to Hua Cheng being batshit crazypants for a while, but given the material circumstances of 10 years of isolation/ling nerding/murder, I really cannot blame him. (I would also rather not have other people, certainly not the object of my affection & obsession, get to see those things! that is entirely relatable, not sinister!)

(obligatory “what would a centuries-old sourdough starter from Mount Tong’lu be like“ joke....)

although. that said. I continue! to be not okay! with the extent of Literal Hero Worship happening in this relationship! “if you don’t have anything else to live for, then live for me!” like ok ok it is all very well and good that you said that as a dumbass naive teenage god, and clearly don’t believe in any such thing anymore, but. Hua Cheng! has not gotten over that! he is still very much in that headspace! “oh don’t worry my ashes are in a totally safe place bc if the place where I hid them was destroyed then I would have no reason to live either ~<3″ NO. NO BAD. EXTREMELY BAD, HUA CHENG SIT DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT UNTIL I FIND YOU SOMEONE TO TALK YOU THROUGH THIS SHIT.

I just. mmmmmmmnnn. I really enjoy how they interact with one another most of the time! I’m also just... not cool with the level of power disparity in terms of psychological vulnerability to one another, that seems pretty fundamentally baked into the dynamic :/

(it’s funny bc this is the opposite of the panic Mu Qing & Feng Xin were having over Hualian, oops)

actually while I’m being a whole-ass Downer about ships, I will also mention that I do Not get shipping those two..... like “excessive bickering” has never appealed to me in the first place but also. FX seems to genuinely think MQ is a bad person?? and doesn’t understand what his perspective is like in general? perhaps I am simply A Bit Sensitive to people misunderstanding someone and thinking they’re a bad person bc they’re not Nice And Cheerful And Personable, but. eugh, no thank you.

miscellaneous thoughts....

Ling Wen can honestly do as many murders as she feels like, I’m not too broken up about this ultimately :////

Xie Lian’s trauma response panic mode whenever he sees White No-Face! it’s upsetting!

White No-Face is not valid specifically for the reason that I wanted the next ghost king to come out of the kiln to add something cool to the Calamities’ color scheme >:( Give Me A Purple Ghost You Dumb Motherfucker >:(

(actually in part I make fun of him because I am otherwise also terrified of him! he is creepy and horrifying! he seems like substantially less of a Person and more like a Horrible Force of Nature than the other calamities!! also HE WAS LIVING IN THEIR HOUSE *screams*)

(you may notice there is approximately no book 2 content on here and that is.... largely bc I found book 2 very upsetting and unpleasant to read, as “overwhelming futility in the face of world affairs and mass suffering” is in fact my Least favourite emotion to have evoked in fiction. or in real life for that matter. “biological phenomenon wherein foreign entities grow in or on your body” is ALSO a least favourite thing in both fiction & real life too, funnily enough! not actually to the same extent as Futility Forever, but. no thank you.)

there’s definitely more I wanted to talk about at one point or another and then forgot, so, if there’s something you want to hear about in particular, ask me questions!

#James liveblogs books #hua cheng's ghostly down with cis bus

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howrry · 6 years ago

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forbidden fruit: pt.3

a/n: the final installment of this series, HIGHLY requested! nice and simple but i just wanted to tie up the loose ends of this saga. back to writing random one-shots with no plot!!!!

w/c: 2.5k

warning: my first piece that’s smut-free whaaaat? it’s got some implied stuff and swearing tho lol. if you want smut go check out everything else on my masterlist hahaha

***

If there's one thing Y/N knew would piss Harry (or any pain-in-the-ass guy for that matter) off, it was disappear.

See, she'd been given an opportunity to switch into another Calculus class, which took place during her homeroom class with Harry. She got out of seeing him in the morning and got college credit for that dreaded math class. Win-win.

Harry found this childish. Sure, he'd been a bit of a jackass pulling her around like that, but hiding from him? And even worse, shoving her new exclusive relationship with that fuckin' athlete in his face? Totally immature.

She twirled her hair in her pretty fingers as she flirted with Luke in the morning before class. He looked like such a try-hard leaning casually on the lockers, and Harry wanted to gag. Y/N would hold Luke's hand during lunch under the table and he would grin like a moron. Did they have to be so corny?

Plus any interaction Harry tried to have with her was thwarted in some way. Either she'd see him coming and dart out of his way to avoid talking to him, or he'd surprise her and someone else would grab her attention. He even swallowed his pride and texted her, to no response.

Then, H almost started to get worried when it seemed she wasn't even at school. He never saw her at her locker, nor in any of the halls, not even at lunch practically in Luke's lap. On the third day of Y/N's disappearance, Harry had to get answers. He charmed one of the class gossips at the beginning of the lunch period.

"Hey, do you know where Y/N is? I need to get trig answers off of her," he lied smoothly and the girl raised an eyebrow.

She pulled a red lollipop out of her mouth, clacking it against her teeth. "She's been eating lunch in Coach Thomas's classroom while he goes off campus to eat."

He nodded, muttered a thank you to the girl, and dove around her before she could acknowledge him. Harry darted past people littering the hallways to get to the coach's classroom and barged in, spooking Y/N eating inside.

"Christ, H, you scared the f--" she started, but of course was cut off by him.

"So, you've been skippin' out on lunch. What's up w'that?" he asked, stuffing his hands in his trouser pockets and taking steps towards the desk she sat in.

"Since when do I have to line my lunch plans up with yours?" she bit, followed by a huffed "freak".

He snorted. "You're avoiding me," he pointed out.

"Yeah, and why wouldn't I? You bother the fuck out of me every day for no reason! Have you ever thought about that? You just piss me off and I've never done anything to you!" Y/N was mad now, slamming her hands on the desk.

Harry stumbled over words at first. He never expected to put him in his place like that. "Y'just annoy me, okay!" he blurted. "Yeh know the answer to every question in class, your hair always looks perfect, everybody likes you, and yet you still get on my nerves!"

Y/N's lips parted and she sucked in air. "Oh my God!"

"What?!" Harry reared back, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You like me!" Y/N squealed. She hopped up from her chair and ran around the desk. "That's why you've been a total weirdo recently. All jealous and pulling me away from Luke. Trying to find to where I went during lunch." She poked a manicured finger into his chest. "You act like a dick to hide it, but you like me!" It was like he couldn't slap the smug look off her face.

He snorted, leaning back until the back of his thighs hit a desk. "You wish, princess. Just because I said everyone likes you doesn't mean I include myself in that demographic."

Y/N took one step back from him, eyeing his face up and down, trying to read deeper. He was made suddenly very uncomfortable but kept up a solid facade. She pursed her soft lips together and shrugged. "You seem quite sure of that." Harry was too frozen to respond. "If that's how you feel, then I guess this conversation is over." Y/N whirled around on the heel of her foot and packed her belongings. "See you... whenever I see you, Styles," she concluded on her way out.

And "whenever she saw him" turned out to be way sooner than she thought. She supposed his ego would take at least a few days to recover before he'd approach again.

It was after school that day, when she was getting into her car to go home. As she buckled herself in, her passenger door opening suddenly (which totally scared the hell out of her, by the way). Harry casually slid into the car and the scent of his cologne followed him. God, did he just put it on? she thought.

"Harry?!" she blurted. "What the fuck are you doing?"

He pulled the rearview mirror to face himself, checking his hair and not putting it back. "One of m'mates is throwing a party tonight, and you're gonna come." He kept eye contact during this entire statement with zero inflection.

"You think I wanna go to a party... with you?" she asked, completely baffled.

He popped his knuckles, almost self-consciously. "Tha's what I said. It'll be fun."

She clutched the steering wheel, in awe of his audacity. "I can't stand you. You're delusional if you think I'd go." Y/N grabbed the rear view mirror and adjusted it back, annoyed.

Harry reached over and playfully shoved her shoulder. "That's just it, pet. I'm completely delusional. My car'll be outside yours at 11:30." He grinned like a maniac before leaving her car and slamming the door behind him.

Well.

Don't think for a second that Y/N didn't hate herself when she found herself climbing into H's car that night, because she absolutely did. However, regardless of how she felt about herself, she loved a party.

Harry was delighted when she joined him in his car. Not so much at her presence, but at her bending to his will. Almost made his dick twitch a little in his pants.

Y/N got a little antsy when, as the drive progressed, she realized this party was near Luke's neighborhood. She considered for a moment that this was a trick pulled by Harry, but when he whipped into a bumping house's driveway a few blocks away from Luke, she relaxed. She didn't even have to worry about Luke potentially being here; he'd never party with any of Harry's people.

Once arriving after a painfully quiet car ride, Harry lost Y/N almost immediately. He swears he had her once he opened the front door, but as soon as she ducked inside, she was nowhere to be found. Sure, there were a lot of people in attendance, but it was ridiculous trying to find her.

Meanwhile, Y/N had one thing on her agenda: getting fucked up. She pulled out all her stops-- asking the basketball guys for hits of their Juuls, slapping the bags that the preps held, partnering with any and everyone in beer pong and taking more drinks than the opposing team landed one.

It wasn't until she was on her winning streak at the table until H finally found her again. His jaw immediately clenched when his eyes landed on her partner. The guy was tall and broad, and the two of them seemed to have great chemistry. In any other circumstance, he'd grab her and pull her into the nearest locked room, but the game was a perfect way for Y/N to have fun without Harry making a scene.

Finally, they stopped doing so well, and H at first thought this was gonna be a good thing. If they lost, they'd have to be replaced with another couple and the confusion of the team-switching would be a great time to grab her.

But he forgot one key problem-- losing meant drinking. And for the remaining 7 cups the other team scored, Y/N and the mystery beer pong player invented new toasts to their losses. By the last cup being made, the two of them interlocked their arms and drank like that. No one had been watching since everyone was celebrating the winning team on their shot, except for Harry, of course.

His original plan was back on track, and he slithered through the party-goers to Y/N. He reached out for her arm, and when she realized who was grabbing at her, her face brightened a little. Drunk, clearly.

"Come with me, please," he asked, trying to keep his tone as innocent as possible.

"Hey, what's going on here?" the mystery beer pong partner interjected, noticing Harry trying to steal her. "I thought we could try to play agai--"

"It's urgent, actually," he hissed, patience wearing thin. He gave up on being innocuous and lightly tugged Y/N his direction towards the stairs.

"It's fiiiine!" Y/N chirped behind her, leaving her parter confused.

Harry guided her upstairs and pushed the first door he found open, and it was empty. When they were both inside he lazily swung it shut and leaned against the wall.

"Harry, you can't keep doing this!"

"Doing what?" he quipped. "I'm just taking you out of a social setting while you're drunk so you don't do anything stupid."

She scoffed. "Is that your new tactic? Acting like you want what's best for me. You hate me, but at the same time you like me. You're the psycho here."

"At least I know what I want," he purred, peering down at her.

Y/N's glassy eyes widened. "Oh no," she said, backing up a bit. "No no no no no. I'm a loyal girlfriend," she stated indignantly.

He snorted. "Yeah, loyal girlfriends hang all over any lad who gives them attention at a party."

She crossed her arms, smirking a little. "There's that jealousy again. I was just having a good time on my own at a party you invited me to. I didn't say I'd be your date."

Harry stared at her for a good half-minute. His eyes pored over her whole face, and she almost got a bit insecure but held her composition. He sucked in air sharply through his nose. "Tell me you really like Luke. Tell me you're not just acting like this to spite me."

Her jaw dropped open to answer him, but nothing came out. It frustrated her-- she wanted to say those things and she knew it would get rid of him once and for all... but they stopped right at her tongue.

Harry's gaze did not weaken. "Silence isn't an answer, darling," he growled.

Time to play another card. "Maybe Luke is just really convenient, but I still don't want you," she spat at him. Y/N pushed past him and swung open the door, to find none other than her ever-so-convenient boyfriend, Luke. And by the look of his face, he'd heard it all.

"Luke!" she blurted, totally in shock. "What are-- I was, uh-- what're you doing here?"

"You played beer pong with my friend Ashton, and when you disappeared upstairs with some guy, he called me," he explained, voice low. "So, convenient, huh?"

Y/N immediately clambered for something to say to explain herself, not having time to get angry with Harry snickering behind her. "Luke, you don't understand, he's been a huge pain in the ass and won't leave me alone. I didn't mean what I said-- it's the context."

Luke's angry eyes flickered from her to the shrugging guy in the room. "Yeah, I think I get the context. You've been fucking my girlfriend."

"Actually, for most of it, she wasn't your girlfriend, but--" Harry started, but a harsh glare from Y/N shut him up.

Luke exhaled through his nose. "I expected this shit from Styles, but I never thought you were a slut," he seethed, sending a sharp pain through her stomach.

"Now fucking watch it," Harry warned, stepping up behind her. "Go write a fuckin' song about it, but have some goddamn dignity."

Luke's jaw dropped to retaliate, but upon making eye contact with H's fiery eyes, he stormed off in a huff. She turned back to Harry with tears in her eyes. He fully expected her to scream at him, push at him, and run away, but she did the one thing he never expected her to do. She lunged forward, dug her head in his chest, and sobbed quietly.

He truly had no idea what to do. He wrapped his arms around her and let her cry it out, rubbing her back and stroking her soft hair until she finally stopped. When she pulled back, her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks were pink.

"C-can you take me home?" she whispered, and he nodded. He even took off his own jacket to give to her, and helped her conspicuously leave the party.

When he rolled up to her house, she took off her seatbelt almost immediately. "Walk me inside," she demanded softly.

"What about your parents--"

"Out of town," was all she replied, and left the car before he even turned the car off. So much for walking her in.

Y/N left her front door open behind her as Harry scrambled to shut off his car and follow her inside. She went straight to the couch in her living room and bundled herself up in a fleece throw.

Harry stepped into the living room, boots creaking on the wooden floor. "Y/N... I'm sorry about Lu--"

"Don't," she snapped, breathing heavily. "You're not sorry. That couldn't have been a better outcome for you."

"Are y'kidding?" he blurted. "I never meant to hurt you, Y/N. I tried to get you to stop dating a guy you and I both know you didn't care about. And don't give me any shit about you really being into him-- we all heard what you said back at the party."

She went quiet. Her eyes trailed along his torso as he got closer and plopped down on the couch a few feet from her. Finally, three soft words slipped from her mouth and Harry was almost positive he'd imagined them. "I want you."

"Come again?" he perked up a little.

"I want you," she said again, stronger this time. "I want you, and I want you to not make me think that's a mistake. Tell me these games are over, or get the fuck out of my life forever."

He couldn't believe his ears. Harry's arms reached out for her and pulled her onto his lap. "Pet, I want you so much. I thought the only way I could talk to you was to get on your nerves but I'm so sorry."

Y/N smirked, tossing her arms around his neck. "Are you messing with me? Is this a really extended, fucked-up prank?"

He pressed his lips against her jaw gently. "I'll never act like that again, darling."

Y/N giggled and leaned down to take a soft bite out of Harry's neck. As he picked her up and carried her to her room, she was finally glad to get a true taste of her once-forbidden fruit.

#Harry Styles #Harry Styles Fan Fiction #harry styles one shot #harry styles writing #harry styles smut #harryforvogue #haroldloverboy #majorharry #jawllines #permanentcross

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thessalian · 6 years ago

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Thess vs Human Interaction

Article I tripped over on Facebook was talking about how D&D’s popularity was on the rise. The article raised a lot of good points, focusing particularly on its visibility and accessibility lately, and citing being able to play on line on platforms like Roll20 as one of the reasons it’s gaining wider appeal.

But of course, we had to have a Luddite - one who basically said, “Of course D&D is more popular now! People are fed up with being online all the time and crave human interaction!”

...So ... I guess he missed the part about Roll20?

Seriously, I’m looking at the groups with whom I play regularly. They’re people I met online, for the most part. Two from the Daria fandom - one directly, and one in a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon sort of way (and in fact is only one of two who I met in person before talking to them online). Three from the SW:TOR community. One from a forum-and-chat WoD RP site back in the day. A couple from the Dragon Age fandom (sadly no longer with us, but one at least comes back for cameos). And one I met in the queue for a Critical Role panel at last October’s MCM Comic Con that I wouldn’t have been able to go to had it not been for the aforementioned online friends.

Some of these people would never have met if I hadn’t gone, “Hey, let’s play D&D!” Others already knew each other but probably wouldn’t talk as often. I’ve managed to re-establish contact with two people I hadn’t spoken to in awhile through RP (one invited to my D&D group, the other currently in my Saturday evening Dice Box shenanigans who would apparently be totally into my D&D group if it didn’t fall on his other group’s RP night). Point is that whole new friendships ended up forming just because I said, “Hey, how about we play D&D?” - and without the online component, it wouldn’t be possible.

Online interaction is great for people like me - and I know that there are more of them out there than many might like to think. It’s human interaction with escape clauses, safe zones ... hell, training wheels. You don’t have to let people see your face or hear your voice if you don’t want to. Text gives you time to think about what you’re about to say. Sure, being on a video call takes most of that away, but there’s still the security blanket of there being a screen and all those miles between you and the person you’re talking to, and ... well, when you’re roleplaying, you don’t have to be you the whole time. Plus if you talked to people through text-only means first, there’s time to build up comfort levels instead of throwing yourself full-tilt into a face-to-face social situation where escape is rude.

It also helps that online is one place that you’re guaranteed to be able to express your interests in things without mockery, which is really important. Teenagers are still living in the shadow of a time when ‘nerdy’ interests were mocked, and they can’t tell who still adheres to that stupid arbitrary thing about what is and isn’t cool. It’s worse when you’re an adult - there’s no way to tell who in the office is going to be thrilled to hear about someone else being into D&D or video games, who’s going to be clueless but interested, and who’s going to think you’re a childish weirdo. Online, though ... well, you’re in that particular section of the internet specifically because you have those interests. Sure, some people might turn up specifically to mock, but most people are going to be looking for other people interested in what they love. If your small town doesn’t have a game store, or no one’s running events in your area (or has room for you if they do), online is your best bet for social interaction that actually involves sharing interests instead of just mouthing platitudes and pleasantries.

In short, I really wish that people would stop insisting that the internet and human interaction are mutually exclusive terms. The internet didn’t kill human interaction; it allowed human interaction to evolve. I would never have found so many people who share my interests if it weren’t for the internet; I would not have as many friends. ...And honestly, literally, I would not be alive right now if it weren’t for the people I met online.

#Thess RPs #Thess has opinions

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unknownartist-evenirxaneis · 6 years ago

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I know I haven’t been around in a long time but I just need some place to rant that isn’t going to be seen by judgey people on my Facebook.

[break]

(Very sorry if the break didn’t work, I’m on mobile and don’t know how to do the thing without having to pull out a computer.)

So, it’s pretty established now that I fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Romantically, I really don’t care about gender; if I’m not getting my rocks off why should I care what you identify as in terms of building a romantic relationship? I know some people might have qualms with that but point is I don’t care about that, what I care about is whether I feel that connection/compatibility.

Recently with pride month I’ve actually seen a bit of asexual support, which is incredibly validating for me, realizing I’m not alone in the way I feel. It really takes a lot of reminding though that I’m not broken, because it really feels like it. So many of my peers around me are already happily married, and I just feel stuck in place.

I mean, I hate to be the one to say my challenges are worse than others, because I know I have a good bit of privledge. But the circumstances around me really are a bit harder than some others.

For those who may not know, I’m in the military. I’m happy with my job, no qualms. But the military is... a beast of its own. Sure, there’s plenty of people in the lgbt+ comminity here, both open and closeted. Issues come in places I think some people wouldn’t immediately think about.

First of all, I’m living in a foreign country. I’m trying to learn the language a bit here, but I’m honestly terrible at languages. I studied Spanish for years and never got the hang of it. And for those who say that “immersion helps!”, I don’t really have a lot of time to immerse myself. During the week I’m incredibly busy. On the weekends I need to recharge, I can handle being out and about shopping or maybe hanging out, but I can’t handle organized activity like clubs or something to get me involved with locals. Basically, if I want to meet someone here, I’m already a step behind because I can’t meet them on their own turf, I just feel bad expecting them step down to me, while I’m desperately trying to google translate and make myself seem at least not a total ignorant ass.

So why not look around the other Americans? Well, the military is very limited. For one thing, there’s just not that many people in the military. Think of this: 1% of Americans are in the military. Now from there, I’m on a foreign post, so maybe, let’s say, 1% of those people are in my area. Then, remove a good 98-99% of the people remaining because I can’t date outside my rank. Now consider that of those military that are here, in my rank, probably 50-75% are married by now. Of those remaining who are single, let’s say a very optimistic 10 currently on my post are even not going to instantly put me in the “weirdo” bin because I’m not a gym rat and would rather be at comic con. Of those 10, I still may not encounter any of them, because by nature, people at my level are scattered and very busy (Comic con is in about 2 weeks and there’s a high chance that of those of us going, I will be the only there of my rank). Now, let’s say I do encounter one of those 10. Just because they don’t instantlh write me off for crazy doesn’t mean we’ll be instant friends. It might be a one time encounter and we never cross paths again. We might understand each other, but not click. Okay, so even if I do make friends, there’s still the chance that 1. We won’t be romantically compatible 2. They won’t have interest in my gender 3. If they are interested in me, they may not be able to accept the asexual thing

Now, I know what some of you might think! The internet is a big place, I could meet someone here! Well... I’m not sure I’m ready for the distance thing again. Not that the last ended poorly, but it just... I don’t think I’m good at it. I judge myself for being a bad partner, I just lack the kind of closeness that I crave, and I’m already bad at maintaining virtual friendships, lord knows I’d probably accidentally ghost them for no other reason than I have nothing to talk about because I’m a boring person, and when I do talk about me I just feel like I’m making conversations too much about me... okay so that last one applies in person too, but basically it just stops me from talking to them even more, and thus shit falls apart. This is all on top of the reliance that I even find someone I’m interested in online. I’m not part of many communities anymore, if you’re reading this even you probably know I haven’t touched tumblr in a long time, and honestly my time wasted away on YouTube instead of finding new fandoms and interests.

And on top of that I have horrid social anxiety. I’m an ambivert who leans very mildly extrovert, so I have this tendency to take advantage of social interaction, then regret it later because I tend to over share and accidentally focus too much on me. I talked to a couple people today for a mandatory social event, and I’m still dwelling on how much I redirected things to me. I really did make an active attempt to talk about them, but it all flew out the window quickly after, and now I feel like an ass. So cool, let’s say I go out to a cafe, meet a nice person who’s chill with me being an ignorant American. Assuming I don’t drive them away, I probably will immediately assume I did and they were too nice to show it.

I’ve thought about getting involved in club culture, because alcohol loosens me up, but... it’s just such not an asexual thing? I’m afraid that I’d get the wrong kind of attention.

And the cream on the cake is that I’ve had body image issues recently. I’ve gained significant weight since high school and college, and not good weight. I’m terrible at diets, plus I’m living out of a hotel right now. But basically, my self image is hot garbage.

So... all this to say I feel like I’m caught in this corner of being lonely but afraid and nearly unable to reach out. Despite all the affirmation of my asexuality recently, I’ve questioned myself a lot. I’ve never had sex, and while I logically know that that’s not a qualified to know I’m ace, I’ve really considered forcing myself to be something I’m not for the sake of being more “normal”. And that scares me. Because it’s not that I WANT to try it, it’s that I feel so trapped that I feel like I HAVE to try it. The ace affirmation right now really does reaffirm me, and I’m so greatful for ace support, but it almost makes me feel even more trapped, because it’s making me realize that I don’t HAVE to try sex. But then what do I do? How do I find people? There’s not exactly an ace Tinder, and lord know even if there was, it’d be jack full of military fuk bois and people who are basically off limits to me. Everything feels like a rock and a hard place.

Okay, I think I’m done. I need to get sleep now, or at least try to quell the anxiety enough to rest.

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walkinsauce · 6 years ago

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To Mom, Or Not To Mom... That Is The Question

Okay, so this isn’t pertaining to my usual topic of polyamory or Tinder dates, but I guest blogged on my friend Rhiannon’s blog about motherhood. (Have I ever used that word before? Probs not.) It’s basically a letter from me, a non-mom, to moms. I thought I’d post it here, on my own blog, so you guys know:

a. I’m still alive.

b. I’m still writing.

I’ve posted a link to her blog at the end, to corner you into reading my blog first. Enjoy.

Dear Moms,

Sup? It’s me, non-mom. From the alternate universe. The one you wondered if you might end up in. And you’re a mom, the one I still wonder if I’ll ever be. Don’t you wish there was a reboot of Sliding Doors, but instead of the two trains, there’s one Gwyneth that has a baby and one that doesn’t? Which life ends up better? Which has more love? More pain? More meaning?

(And if you’ve seen the movie, less waiting tables?)

I used to think I was a weirdo for not having maternal instinct. I’m being very deliberate when I use the term “maternal instinct.” It’s annoying when people assume women who don’t want kids, don’t like kids. I do like kids. I’m a proud, fun aunt, capris and patterned tops to boot. I also love my friends’ kids. (Hi Porter!*) I’m just very self aware that I don’t have that natural instinct that most women have, to birth one.

I started noticing maternal instinct creeping up on my girlfriends in our early twenties. I used to wait tables at a rib restaurant with my good friend Sarah. These were back in the days we’d actually still serve in heels. (Ooof.) For months, I saw Sarah’s face light up every time a baby in a stroller came in. She got SO excited. Played peak-a-boo at the speed of a good improvisor. I’d usually just stare at the baby, and wonder how much food I was gonna have to sweep from under the table once they left. I was also tracking how much Sarah held her breath at tables with seniors, who were marinating in perfumes and Bengay. Finally, one day I made a deal with her:

“Hey, I’ll take the geriatrics if you take the kids.”

And that was the beginning of a beautiful server partnership. And my first sign that I actually might not have maternal instinct. You can force a lot of things in life- a laugh, a zipper, one or nineteen extra things in a suitcase… BUT- you can’t force maternal instinct. And I’m no professional, but I don’t think you should.

If I had it, I’d use it. But I don’t. So this is my life.

To be fair, I was a very popular babysitter as a teenager. You had to book me a month in advance if you wanted me to watch your kids on a Saturday night. I had a regular gig looking after Heather and Shevaun every day after school for three years. In some ways, I feel like I’ve already raised kids. And for cheap! Four dollars an hour. You can only wish for child care prices like that these days. (I did make them all watch The Young and the Restless though.) I was a one woman Babysitters Club. And I took every dime you paid me and bought Guess Jeans and Espirit T-Shirts. Thank you for giving me the gift of being able to afford such style. My dad was still trying to pay off the Nova.

I owe a lot to moms. More so to my own, who got pregnant with me at 18. I often feel like I’m living my 20’s and 30’s for two. I’m grateful to my sister, who has kids. Now I have the pleasure of being a long distance aunt, who enjoys sending creepy cat postcards. (And when I say creepy cats, I mean creepy.) My parents have grandchildren, and I still have a silly dream I mustered up at 18. And they seem to be equally proud of both of us. (BLESS supportive parents. Living in L.A. for two years has proved to me that not everyone has them.)

I’m not one who likes to argue existential debates. I know what I feel, and I go with that. Plain and simple. If I’m doing life “wrong,” then so be it. When I started comedy, twenty years ago, I seemed to be the only one plugging that childfree life. There was an untapped well of jokes in this department at the time. Like:

“I’d rather look pregnant than get pregnant…”

“I honestly believe that smiling at a child at Loblaws… is just as good as motherhood.”

Now I almost feel hacky for doing these jokes. There are now at least two generations under me that are done with the patriarchy. I also have girlfriends who are praying they get the tail end of it. If there’s one thing I’m sure about, it’s that no two women have the same plans for life.

I had the best interaction with a mom at a BBQ the other day. I was scooping some sort of festive salad on to my paper plate when I found myself embarrassed about the state of my finger nails.

“Oooof. I should have at least clipped my nails into some sort of shape where they don’t look like jigsaw puzzle pieces.”

She responded with,

“You should see my toe nails.”

“Mine too!”

(Hard to say “me too” anymore.)

We instantly bonded. That’s the one thing that always connects me with a lot of moms. Our lack of “pretty girl” esthetics. Of course, for a mom it’s probably due to a serious lack of extra time. I have no excuse. I just don’t care.

At this same party, I ended up bonding with another chick. She was my age, and like me, of the childless lifestyle. Much like two moms who meet and bond over having the same age kids, me and this girl found a twinship over not having kids. It’s equally exciting for us! (I got this term “twinship” from my bff Melissa, who will probs get nervous that I’m quoting her, and will text and say “NO! It’s not my term! I read it in a book! I don’t want people to think I made it up. I feel bad.” And if you know me, you know I also have a twinship with Melissa.)

The cool thing is, either way, women are finding connections with each other. And isn’t that all that matters?

“Thanks” to social media, moms and non-moms believe they have a good look into each others lives. You probably think I take 82 vacations a year (or so it seems), and I get scared your kids are going to be fully grown before my career takes off. When I see moms in my fave coffee shop on Montana Ave, I’m mostly jealous of their cookie purchases. I have no excuse for buying a cookie. At least you can say,

“… and a cookie, for little Ava here.”

And then you eat half the cookie. I see what’s happening there. Bless kids for giving grown-ups a reason to eat cookies. I can’t buy a cookie. It’ll look like I just got dumped or something.

I know there’s still a good chance I will end up a step mom, and I gotta tell you…

I’m into it. I actually like the idea of being a step mom. Rhiannon seemed shocked when I told her this. I know fairy tales ruined the idea of step-anythings decades ago, but what’s so bad about it? Kids aren’t dumb. Parents are exhausted. Two moms and two dads just may be what it takes. Plus, I’m probably gonna skip the sleepless nights and crazy medical bills. (America only.) OH, but I can tell how shit my reputation is by how long it takes a single dad to introduce me to his kid…

(That’s a good sign for divorced mom’s though. I can rest assure you that your baby daddy is picky about who they let in to your child’s life.)

I better wrap this up. I told Rhiannon I would keep my babbling to a max of 1500 words. (What mom has the time for more?)

In closing, I’d like to thank all moms for their clothes at clothing swaps. Your maternity clothes are my beer drinking clothes. I’m a woman who loves to bloat. Thank you for joining me in my love for Birkenstocks. (Sorry, Allison Dore.) Oh, but to the moms who lose the baby weight five seconds after having a kid, and walk into the coffee shop with your stroller and size zero yoga pants…

Fuck you.

Just kidding.

Have a cookie.

Signed with a shit tonne of respect,

Your new non-mom friend,

Christina Walkinshaw

*Porter is three and while he’s starting to read, I’m pretty sure this isn’t his genre. I need a scratch and sniff blog. Send toy cars.

Here’s Rhiannon’s response to this blog:

http://theobliviouschildblog.tumblr.com/post/176022952325/to-be-or-not-to-bea-stepmom

#motherhood #mom #mommy #mommyblogger #nonmom #single #sliding doors #pregnant #patriarchy #smash the patriarchy #cookies

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annashipper · 6 years ago

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Megapost 2 - 31st of August 2018

Nonny Nr. 1: Clockwork (LOL)! Pissed, sour, arrogant and looking preggo. I'm really about to give up, not on skeptics but on trying to find him excuses. He really looks more and more complicit of this shit.

Anna: Oh, I’m way past finding Ben excuses. As I’ve said countless times before, I firmly believe he’s been on the steering wheel since March of 2016 :o)

Nonny Nr. 2: Can I say this is getting boring? If he's so careful to keep his private life private, why on Earth bringing his visibly pregnant wife with him? They could easily keep the pregnancy hidden and simply announce the baby's birth... unless, of course, he needs the extra-attention for his career well-being. YAWN.

Anna: His “demure”, “pregnant” wife who recently hurt her foot, but endures it all because she’s a trooper Nonny. There’s a reason he was calling her heroic two years back ;o)

Nonny Nr. 3: I dare them to go for pregnancy number 4, 5, and 6 in her forties because that’s really common. *sarcasm She’s also got the triangular belly back! And wasn’t her belly hardly noticeable on the recent fortune IG pix?

Anna: The more pregnancies we get to document whenever Ben has a project that’s being released on cinemas and needs a boost in publicity, the more realistic said pregnancies look Nonny.

Especially considering the pictures we got on the 24th of June with Weirdo looking like she’d drunk an extra cup of tea, then the pics we got of her from her friend’s private instagram account this week, where she looks like she’s drunk the same extra cup of tea again, and the triangular belly of much smooshiness and popped bellybutton we got yesterday.

So realistic, much inconsistent.

Nonny Nr. 4: "has a kids movie to promote shortly and BOOM, there she is, preggers"--No. I'm not sure what the reasoning is for this one or the 2nd one, but this isn't for The Grinch. That doesn't make sense. Way too early plus the focus audience will not care. Neither the 2nd or 3rd pregnancies occured at a time where the pregnancy would be useful to the promo at hand, and you get less attention after the 1st one to boot. TL DR there's nothing for this to sell.

Anna: I don’t think it’s too early Nonny. We’re about a fortnight away from the Emmys, so it’s perfect timing to get people to start paying attention for a big reveal at the Emmys red carpet. That would ensure Ben some free publicity and cute family-friendly topics of conversation for The Grinch promo tour, which should start about a fortnight after the Emmys (the movie’s being released in the US on the 8th of November).

Perfect timing I would say ;o)

Nonny Nr. 5: You’re right you really CAN set a watch to these times pregnancies can’t you. Literally every. Single. Time. It’s the beginning of Promotion his happens, even if we have them running to the gym a couple weeks ago w her slim as a rail. My god

Anna: It’s a shame that Ben didn’t have any movies to promote for theatre release last year Nonny. A missed opportunity to add to the CumberBatch of boys if I ever saw one...

@jazziesb: BC’s got a lot of serious issues in his life, now a third fake kid. It makes me sometimes really annoyed that BC keeps pretending to have kids who don’t exist and that SH wears her fake belly again. From what we saw in their interactions and behaviour towards each other SH can never really be pg, and I find it almost impossible for them to have had any kind of intercourse that would have produced real kids. All that makes me run up the wall sometimes. How can they be so stupid to think they can get away with it for even more years? Why does nobody publish these lies and make them all come out for people to see? Hollywood is full of fake relationships, but not many of them lasted this long.

Anna: I disagree with most of your observations @jazziesb, except for the “Weirdo could never have been pregnant” part.

@mysticalmaniac: I called it, I really did call it when I saw the "work-out" top that was wrinkled above the waist, but stretched taut across her abdomen. Then there's the twitter video from last night? That was the Oscar bump if I'm not mistaken. I don't know why there's a kerfuffle about this, this is going to be very entertaining. We've already got the wine glass JUST LIKE the first fake, aw, she's such a silly sow, she doesn't learn (or she does it to wipe it in the faces of his fans/nans). Pop the popcorn.

Anna: I don’t see any kerfuffle @mysticalmaniac, but I do see the pop corn, and it’s staring right back at me ;o)

Fat Nosed Anon: 🙄💤 colour me surprised, Anna. What shocked me more is that it's been almost two years since the last time they shared a growing bump (or 'bump') with the world. Time flies and I still haven't won the lottery despite playing :o/ (should choose :o/ FNA as the fat noses seem to be more in fashion that I'd thought). Good job that somebody 'leaked ' the privately private so very maternal pictures in advance :o) As the weekend is getting closer, have a great one!

Anna: Colour me unimpressed Fat Nosed Anon ;o)

Have a wonderful weekend! I’m starting it with a bang, since I’m going out with a group of friends for drinks tonight, and then I’m planning to go for a swim at least once this weekend, cause the heat is unbearable again on my side of the screen.

JT Anon: Personally I’ll never stop laughing over her slim enviable figure from a few weeks ago to this but hey clockwork like you said

Anna: If you’re looking for realism and consistency, you’ve tuned into the wrong showmance JT :P

Mom Anon: On gettyimages, there is NO pic of them at all so far. I think Ben should really have gone to the Jaegre LeCoultre RC, if he remains invisible for the main stream, he might as well have stayed home.

Anna: I haven’t been able to find any pics of Ben, Weirdo or Adam on any of the pap sites I keep track of Mom Anon. So ... no official red carpet walks I guess.

He did go to the party after The Favourite premiere, and had a chat with the cast, but I don’t see Weirdo in the background. LINK (thanks to @ptskeptonanny for sending me so many social media post links today by the way. You’re awesome!)

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geminimoonbeamx · 7 years ago

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Moths Wings/ Part 2

A/N: Fun fact; if I ever had a daughter I’d name her Phoebe. I’ve been obsessed with the name since I was little. Phoebe Halliwell was, and will always be my idol(ps, did any of you watch Charmed? I still love that show soooo much)

Word Count: 2k+

Warnings: None, this chapters pretty vanilla. It will get more and more intense as the story goes on. Eventual NSFW content. Cursing, as per usual.

Summary: When Bucky takes sometime to focus on himself- partially because he knows he needs it and partially because the team has seemed to Veto him off the island- and moves upstate he meets Y/N, a bright, kind single mother and her four year old daughter Phoebe. His heart’s been frozen for so long, but it cant help but melt as he get’s to know the little family and falls in love with the possibility of happiness.

Dear friend as you know, your flowers are withering- Passion Pit

✨✨✨

Phoebe wore her scraped knees proudly, showed off her Tinkerbelle band-aids as she helped you set up for dinner that night. You try to immerse yourself in the cooking, then in bathing and putting her to bed. When you’re cleaning, wiping down the counters, fluffing the couch pillows like you always do; you let your mind drift.

Bucky, his name was Bucky. The man who you’d been seeing every morning for the past few weeks while you walked Luna. Of course you had noticed him. You weren’t fucking blind; he was gorgeous. Tall, dark and handsome. All wide shoulders and muscles that were plain as day, even under the hoodies and layers he seemed to keep himself covered in. He’d moved into that house down the street; the one that Mrs. Blanchard had lived in for decades-up until a few years ago when she’d been taken to a hospice.

You could tell he wasn’t the…social type. He seemed nice enough though, with the small hello’s he said back to everyone. He just kept to himself, something you knew all about. It had taken you the better part of a year when you’d first moved in before you’d grown accustomed to everyone’s hospitality. Maybe it was a city thing? People definitely weren’t like this where you’d grown up.

The next morning when you get up and pull on your leggings and Nike’s, forcing yourself to throw yourself into your morning routine. You had to take Luna to stretch her legs, Vet’s orders. So you fight the early morning chill and take your dog out.

You’ve only been walking for a few minutes when you see Bucky, jogging across the street. He looks so focused, so “in the zone” that you feel a little torn. Did you wave? Did you call his name?

When his head turns to you, you raise your arm and wave lightly “Good morning” you call to him with a smile.

He just nods, mumbling a “Good Morning” back with a half wave before he goes on his way. You try not to let your face fall.

Well…okay?

Luna whines up at you and you just shush her. She’d been with you too long, she could read you like an open book.

“Come on girl, come on”

Bucky kicks himself for that for days.

He doesn’t even know why, it’s not like he had been rude? Right? He’d waved back…he just didn’t know how to…interact. But you’d been kind, and you probably thought he was some kind of fucking weirdo now. He doesn’t see you walking in the mornings either, and that just makes him feel lower. Had he freaked you out that bad? He tried not to beat himself up about it, he mentions it to Dr. Schnapp during one of their sessions(yes, the Therapist does drive out for their sessions twice a week) who reassures him that he’s made leaps and strides. That you had a young child, and that you sure as shit had dealt with worse additudes.

When Schnapp tries to delve deeper about why Bucky was so concerned about the possibility of offending you- Bucky gives one of those pale eyed glares and changes the subject, quick. The reason why he likes Schnapp? She doesn’t push too hard, she lets him off the hook. She doesn’t treat him like some science project she can push. He appreciates it, even if she does give him knowing looks that are almost eerie. When his sessions up, and she’s back in her car headed for the city he’s glad to be free of her perceptive gaze…he wonders wryly if maybe she has advanced senses too.

The next time Bucky see’s you, you’re under the hood of your car, muttering curses to yourself, fustrated.

He’d decided to take a walk, stretch his legs after a particularly frustrating phone call with Steve-

“It’s fine, Buck, it’s just a quick mission. In and out, there’s no reason for you to drive out here” Steve had reassured and it had felt like a punch.

“You mean you don’t trust me there?” Bucky had tried to keep his voice even, but Steve knew him too well for that. It was a mission to a Hydra Base. He’d be a danger. All that needed to be said were a few trigger words and Bucky would flip into Winter Soldier mode.

“It’s not you I don’t trust, I don’t trust them. And I don’t want you around that stuff if you don’t have to be” Steve had desperately tried to reassure but Bucky had shut off. He didn’t feel apart of the team anymore, he wonders if he ever really had. It had all been short answers after that, before the call ending with Steve promising he’d come to visit when he got back.

–He’d been strolling down the street when he’d heard you. You sounded close to tears.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck” You chanted, perking his curiosity. He crosses the street and approaches.

“Hey” He calls as he approaches, but you don’t reply. He looks around, unsure…but he can tell you need help, so he pushes on.

“Hey” He tries again and watches you jump nearly a foot in the air, your head smashing into the hood as you go.

“Ow, shit” You hiss as you rub the top of your now tender head, could this day get any worse? You peek around the car and see Bucky standing there, at the end of your driveway. “You scared the shit out of me!” You accuse, but it’s punctuated with a laugh.

“I’m, sorry, I didn’t mean to. I- uh, tried getting your attention but you seemed a little distracted”

You force a smile, he seems truly apologetic. It’s not his fault that you were elbow deep in the body of your car, something that you had no idea about. You’d had your phone propped up, watching YouTube videos; desperately trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with it.

“No, you’re fine. I’m just- It’s been an awful morning” you deflate, your hand going from running your head to cover your face as you attempt to take calming breaths. Bucky watches, empathetic.

“Yeah, mine’s been pretty crappy, too” He tells you, before nodding twoardes your car “What’s wrong with it?”

“I don’t know. It wouldn’t start at first, and then when I finally got it to turn on I tried to push the gas to reverse down the driveway and it wouldn’t accelerate” You don’t mean to complain- but you do. The morning had been a madhouse and you were more then lucky that Lucy’s mom(a friend pf Phoebe’s from down the street) had volunteered to take her to pre-school. You were late for work though, and you couldn’t afford to miss the day. If it came to it, you’d call an Uber, but you couldn’t do that everyday. That would add up and you would be screwed.

You felt screwed.

“I could take a look at it” Bucky offers and you shake your head instantly. What you knew about him is that he wasn’t very social, and you weren’t about to take advantage of him and make him fix your car.

“No, it’s okay” your voice doesn’t sound okay, though “I’ll just take it in tomorrow- I don’t want you to feel like you have to help me”

Bucky’s nose scrunches “Why would I feel like that?”

“I don’t know” You sigh “The whole single mother thing? Everyone always feels obligated to help me and it’s- it’s alright”

You give him a lot of information that he hadn’t even known. So you were single? He’d just figured that your husband was somewhere- working maybe? Even though he’d never seen a man around you. He hadn’t wanted to assume…

He knew what that felt like, though. People feeling constantly feeling bad for you. He endured it all the time.

“No, that’s not it at all. I just think I know what’s wrong, by what you’re telling me and I could fix it right now instead of you going into some mechanic and being charged an arm and a leg” He explains and you give him a weary gaze “Plus, what are neighbors for?”

It’s that mega watt grin that gets you, and you cave with a watery laugh.

Bucky was right, and he works with nimble fingers on the car. Nimble fingers that you noticed were still glove covered. Every time you’d ever seen him, he’d had his hands covered…but that was none of your business, so you leave it be. You talk with him, lightly. Bubbly. It’s easy conversation, noting prying. Just getting to know him a little.

And he lets you, responding charmingly, if not a little shyly which made him even more appealing. He learns that you work in a Call-Center and are luckily on good terms with your boss because you’re almost an hour late. You learn that he’s off today, had nothing more important to do and you let that be all.

“See, I thought so” Bucky assesses as he works “It’s your spark plugs, they need'ta be replaced, but if we get them cleaned up you should be able to drive for the day until you get them ordered. I can put them in for you when they come” “That’s too much, no” You protest as you watch him and he just cracks a grin.

“It’s really not, it’s an easy job. Plus, I like working on cars so it’s really no problem”

He really is handsome, you cant help but look him over. In a timeless way… that classic, old school kind of attractive that you only saw in pictures and on movie stars. You bet if he cut his hair and got a close shave; he’d give Ryan Gosling a run for his money. You liked the scruff though…

“There you go, start her up, would you?” Bucky finishes, putting down the hood and wiping his hands on his jeans. You dubiously get behind the wheel and put your keys into the ignition…and your car hums to life.

“Oh my god!” You squeal in delight “How did you do that? You know what, never mind, scratch that. I wouldn’t be able to pick it up anyway, I suck with cars” You laugh as you get out “I owe you my life Bucky…?”

“Barnes” He chuckles in response, not even thinking about it.

Huh, Barnes? That sounded familiar to you…but you let it drop anyway, feeling nothing but gratefulness.

“Well Bucky Barnes, I seriously owe you my life”

He shakes his head, amused. He guesses Phoebe must have inherited her dramatic nature from you.

“It was nothing, really” He insists, shoving his hands into his pockets. Feeling a little hesitant at the praise.

“It was- it really was. I would make you brunch, but I have to run to work. Seriously though, are you sure you don’t need anything…I could pay you-”

“Definitely not. It was my pleasure”

Just that grin and the way you were looking at him was payment enough.

“You’re too sweet. Thank you so much again. You’ll have to come over so I can cook you dinner sometime?” You try to keep it casual. You had neighbors over for dinner all the time…none as handsome as him, but still.

“Yeah” Bucky nods at the idea “Yeah, I’d really like that”

“Okay then. Let me know when you’re free”

You climb back in the car and he watches, fondly. No, he doesn’t stare at the roundness of your behind in that pencil skirt…

“And you let me know when those plugs get here” He coughs, trying to refocus his mind.

“Will do. Bye, Bucky, have a good one!” You holler as you pull out. He walks to the end of your driveway and watches until your car is turning, and out of sight. Watches for a little while after that, trying to figure out why he felt so warm all of the sudden, before he walks back in the direction of his house, in a much better mood then before.

@starstruckgardenstudentzonk

@lostinthoughtsandfeelings

@dani-si

@prettybubblesintheair

I love writing Bucky like this, fragile and still recovering. As someone who struggles with mental illness myself, I think it’s important to see it represented. Therapists visits and medication are okay to talk about, you guys. It’s okay. Tell me what you think about this so far! Do you like Y/N and Bucky’s interactions? Let me knowww. I love hearing you guy’s opinions! Oh, and as always, let me know if you want to be tagged in the next part!

💛

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x plus size reader #bucky x plus size reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #mcu #steve rogers #plus size reader #single mother #moths wings #passion pit #slow burn #fluffy as fuck #fluff #bucky deserves better #my sweet boy #phoebe halliwell #charmed

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imagine-loki · 7 years ago

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Magic Mistake

TITLE: Magic Mistake CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter 1 AUTHOR: staria ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine being a witch (on Earth) and accidentally summoning Loki. He gets angry and confused, but ends up actually liking your company and teaches you more magic. RATING: T NOTES/WARNINGS: My first fan fic ever, please be gentle :)

————————–

I finally had all the materials for the spell. It had taken me awhile to get the courage to get them all but they were all in front of me, now all I had to do was arrange and work the spell. I had been thinking about this spell for months now, slowly building it and creating it but the truth was that it scared me.

It was scary to think that if it worked, I would finally have someone to like and someone that would like me back.

I felt so pathetic when I really thought about what I was about to do. Crazy Danielle, so lonely, so desperate that she needed a spell just to attract at least one friend. The only reason I had decided to do the spell was because it was the only spell I could find after months of research that did not involve forcing someone to be my friend. I wasn’t interested in having a zombie friend. The spell would only make me seem more interesting to others, or at least that what I got from the translations I could find.

Ok, maybe I was a little bit desperate.

This spell was going to suck up all of my energy and I was already pretty tired from a long day of work at the office. Taking care of myself before the spell was important, so I took a quick hot shower that I followed with making myself some bacon and two eggs with some cheese on the side for dinner.

Right after I went to my room to get dressed. I picked a chunky dark burgundy sweater and black leggings, I decided against wearing shoes and finished getting ready by braiding my wavy shoulder length purple hair. I always like to wear something pretty to get me in the mood to cast a spell.

Silently I stood in front of the mirror feeling nervous. I’ve done spell work hundreds of times before, this should be piece of cake! Right?

Maybe I had spent so much time by myself that once I finally had an opportunity to connect with another human being I was freaking out. Me and my best friend lost contact a few years ago before social media became big, I’d looked her up but could never find her. I’ve been by myself ever since. No close family or friends.

This is why I needed to do this.

I couldn’t continue being an apathetic antisocial weirdo all my life. At least I could be a weirdo with someone else.

Eventually I got all the materials from the the small desk in my bedroom and placed them inside the salt circle I’d formed on the floor. The desk serves as my shrine and I’ve been working on it for a few years now: athame, incense, bowl with Himalayan salt, candles, and statuettes of various goddesses I worshipped.

The spell called for a green and pink candle which I placed in front of me as I lit them. It called for a necklace to charge with energy. I decided to use one I’ve had for a while with a silver star. Next I got out paper, a quill, and an ink pot that contained red ink. I cleared my mind before focusing positive energy towards the necklace.

Once I said a few quick words thanking the universe for all of her blessings, I began chanting. I grabbed the athame and pricked my index finger. I let the blood drip into the ink pot. I grabbed the quill and while still chanting I began writing down what I wanted in a friend.

The list was long but in no way did I expect my new friend to fulfill the whole thing, I just wrote all the good qualities I could think of.

Still chanting, I could feel the energy building up around me as I repeated the spell over and over again while concentrating all of my energy on the necklace. My heart was beating faster and faster.

I could feel myself losing control of my body as I repeated the spell one more time and then…

Nothing.

Nothing happened at all. The candles went out and I was left alone in the dark feeling sad and tired. I looked at the necklace and it just looked like an ordinary necklace. I’d used a lot of energy for a spell that I wasn’t even sure worked. Usually I would feel it click inside of me. Like a thumbs up from the universe letting me know that the magic I’d just used had been received and I would see the fruits of my hard work soon.

Feeling frustrated and tired, I took off my clothes and went to bed still wearing all of my make up. I felt so embarrassed about the whole thing. Not only was it a desperate and needy spell but to add to the humiliation, it didn’t even work.

Tomorrow was another work day, so I might as well go to bed so I can wake up early. I am well aware that I sound like an old lady, but I live an old lady’s life. Multiple cats included and everything.

***********

That Saturday I woke up early and decided to go to the farmers market to get some veggies. After looking at my closet for half an hour I ended up wearing a short black dress with a white peter pan collar, a thick grey cardigan that was too big on me, black tights, and my favorite grey booties. On the way out I saw the star necklace I used on the spell a few nights ago and put it on.

There weren’t that many choices at the market that day since it was already fall. I walked around and looked at the booths a few times, bought a few herbs to dry, but not much caught my attention. It was a slow day and I didn’t want to stay long. For some reason I was fidgety the whole time. I felt like someone was watching me all morning but every time I looked around it was obvious no one was paying attention to me.

Finally I found a booth that was selling blackberries so I approached to take a better look at them.

“We just got them yesterday morning. The last of the season!” said the nice lady behind the counter. I decided to buy some, so I reached out to grab them but someone else got them before I did.

I quickly turned my head, mad at whoever took my blackberries. I already had a few select words in mind for the rude dude that obviously saw that I was going to get them and grabbed them anyway. I opened my mouth to talk but that’s when I realized that it was Loki, the evil guy that destroyed half of New York City. I closed my mouth as soon as I realized it was him but he noticed how angry I was.

“Oh, I apologize, are these yours? I didn’t mean to take them from you” he said with a wolfish smile while handing me the blackberries “By the way, that’s a lovely necklace you are wearing, little witch.”

I was so freaked out by the whole thing that I could barely talk. All I could do was shake my head and quickly walk away from the whole thing. How disrespectful! Calling me little witch and taking the blackberries that were obviously mine!

On the way to my car I realized I needed to control my anger, I could have gotten killed by the villainous god of Asgard. The fear I felt when I looked into his deep green eyes was something that I knew would haunt me for years to come.

I nervously looked back expecting him to be gone but he was just standing there, staring at me as I walked faster and faster away.

When I finally got to my car I realized I was still holding the blackberries. I forgot to pay for them and now it was too late to go back.

On the way home I was still out of sorts, so I got myself donuts and coffee because I hadn’t eaten breakfast yet plus some food might do me good to calm my nerves. It’s not everyday that I could say I had an encounter with Loki.

Once I got home I ate two donuts with my coffee while watching TV, but it quickly became obvious that I woke up too early and sleep won me over. It seems that the orange blossom water I added to my coffee was kicking in, my body didn’t even care that I was halfway through a Doctor Who episode.

I don’t know for how long I slept, but it was a deep slumber filled with weird dreams about someone watching me. His green eyes just stared at me and talked in a language I couldn’t understand. In the dream I felt small and vulnerable, unable to escape his gaze.

I woke up all sweaty and confused, it took me a few minutes to realize that it was already night time. After around fifteen minutes of trying to wake up I went to the bathroom and took a shower. I brushed my teeth and put on my pajamas before feeding my cats, Gouda and Cheddar. This morning had been enough excitement for me, I was ready to watch movies all night.

I was in the kitchen getting myself a giant bowl of milk and cereal when I received a text message. It was Jenna from work: I feel like going out tonight. Wanna come? :)

That was weird. We get along and gossip a little bit at work but we never interact outside of the office. Maybe the spell worked after all!

I really didn’t feel like going out, but if the spell was working I didn’t want to spoil things. I quickly texted back and she sent me the address of where to meet up.

I was so excited that I didn’t even know what to wear. I browsed through my closet but couldn’t make up my mind. In the end I went with dark blue skinny jeans and a dark purple sweater with white hearts all over it since purple matches with my olive skin. I put on once more my grey booties and grabbed my star necklace as I was walking out the door. I felt like nothing could go wrong tonight!

#Loki #Lover #Angst #God of Mischief #Others #Imagine #Submitted fic #submission #staria #Chapter 1 #magic mistake #witch #earth #summoning #angry #confused #liking #company #teaches #magic

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kpopreactionstoruinyourlife · 7 years ago

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Song Girl - Part 4 - Sungjin Fan Fiction

Song Girl Masterlist

Part 4 - A Meet Cute

Summary: That’s it, now they’ve met and slowly they begin to fall.

How? How had they found the girl from the cafe? Sungjin thought, part of him wanting to scream, the other wanting to run. He wasn’t supposed to date, he tried to tell himself that. But it didn’t work. He looked at her, and he wanted to plunge head first into something with her. Something with her had the potential to be everything.

Her eyes widened while she looked at him. Had she recognized him?

He couldn’t help but smile. She was right in front of him.

“Right, so introductions…” Jae said clapping his hands together and looking around at the four other guys in the apartment.

Sungjin stepped forward, before he could think. Standing right in front of her. Her eyes were bigger than he’d expected. Her bottom lip fuller than the top. Her lashes were long. She wore a simple gold necklace. A key. He took her in, pausing for a moment with the guise of clearing his throat.

“Hi, I’m Sungjin.” He said bowing before offering his hand.

“Hello,” She said mimicking his bow before sliding her hand, much smaller than his own, into his. It was warm. She was smiling at him, looking him straight in the eye. “I’m Ella. I’ve seen you at the cafe before, right?” She asked, her hand lingering in his.

“Yeah, I go sometimes if we’re going to have a late night to get a pick-me-up.”

“Same, sometimes I think I’m more coffee than water.”

He smiled. She was cute, cuter up close.

“But apparently you don’t like pizza?” She said narrowing her eyes at him.

“It’s not my favorite.”

“How old are you?”

“Twenty.”

“Oh cool, I turn twenty next month. Anyway, how can a twenty year old not like pizza?”

“It’s very simple. He was not raised in North America, nor influenced significantly by north Americans.” Jae explained while Sungjin laughed.

“I can still eat pizza.” He said and she nodded.

“That’s good. And sorry that was so confrontational, you’re the first person I’ve met that doesn’t like pizza.” She said with a laugh and a smile.

“I’ve heard it’s a rare affliction.”

“I know someone who can scan your brain if you want.” Ella offered.

“Excuse me?” Sungjin said and she laughed.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, I’m used to knowing people, being close enough that they get me. Anyway, I’m in a psychology program. I have friends with access to fancy brain scanners. But I can tell you which side of your brain you’re using with an ear thermometer.” She said and he stared.

“Anyway, weirdo,” Jae said putting his hand on her shoulder and steering her toward the living room. “Pro tip, don’t try to scan someone’s brain when you meet them.”

“I’ve only done that once.” She said wiggling out his grasp.

“Have to admit it’s the first time a girl offered to scan my brain.” Sungjin said and she laughed.

“I’m sorry my social skills don’t kick in until I’ve known you for a month.” She said.

“What do you mean when you said you’re used to knowing people?” Brian asked, handing her a coke while holding a beer out to Sungjin.

“I mean, most of the people I went to high school I’d known since I was five. Most of the people I knew at university, except Charlie and his friends, were people I met in my department and would know for three years. Most of the people I interact with here are my professors and research team members, who I’ve also known for three years. I live a sheltered life.”

“Then you met us!” Jae said holding his arms up in a cheer.

“I’m very lucky.” She said with a soft smile as she sipped her coke. “So that’s my story, what’s yours?” She asked, looking at Sungjin.

“Well…I moved here when I graduated high school to pursue music. I don’t know if there’s much else to it.”

“He’s from Busan.” Jae said with a burp, excusing himself.

“Oh! So you can speak with a dialect!” She said brightening.

“Yeah, I can. Only when I get really passionate or something, usually.”

“I did a paper on dialects for my senior paper on sociolinguistics. Ok, if I talk about school or psych too much, you all have permission to shut me up. I know it’s boring.” She said, growing pink after she shared her paper topic. She was embarrassed. She wanted desperately to be anything but the smart girl with them. They were her only chance to be something beside the reading girl, the smart girl, the quiet girl, the same adjectives and superlatives that had followed her through her nineteen years.

“Don’t worry, we’ll let you know by falling asleep.” Brian said patting her leg.

They were already so comfortable with each other. It was easy for them. Maybe it was something about being able to communicate in English. It made you looser, Sungjin thought, taking a swig of his beer.

His body felt charged looking at her, as if it were waiting for a spark.

Then the buzzer rang. The chicken.

“Sungjin, come help me.” Jae said pushing himself up from the floor.

“Right,” Sungjin said, getting up and following him out into the hall.

“It’s her right? Your cafe girl?” Jae asked as they raced down the stairs.

“Oh, yeah, good job.” Sungjin said with a weak smile. Jae beamed.

“You’d be good together.” Jae said with a smile, after paying the chicken guy.

“What makes you say that?”

“She can be the left brain to your right brain.” He said like it was obvious. Then he groaned. “If she ever stops talking about the brain that is. She’s got me doing it and I’ve known her a week.”

“She’s making you smarter?”

“I guess. She’s just brilliant, like Hermione, without the nagging. To her, being smart comes as easily as singing comes to you.”

“Oh, but how could I be with someone that smart?” Sungjin asked and Jae smiled.

“You already want to be, don’t you? Isn’t that half of it? Plus she brought desserts, ”

“Maybe.” Sungjin said before they were back at their door and he opened it, leaving their conversation in the hall and Jae far too pleased with his yet-uncompleted Cupid work.

They ate chicken and laughed. After an hour it was easier for her being with them. They were nice and funny. Easy. It was so hard for her to find people easy to be with.

“So why do you all live together? Do all go to university?” Ella asked them, sitting on the floor next to Sungjin while they ate. Part of her was studying how a person who didn’t like pizza ate. He did it normally. She had been expecting him to eat different; it was just wrong for someone not to like pizza.

“Something like that, we go to classes and lessons together, but not university.” Brian said, speaking through the pizza in his mouth.

“Oh, interesting, I feel like y’all have some big secret.” Ella said and then she frowned. “You don’t have to tell me. I’m naturally curious. It’s the researcher in me.”

“So what are you researching?” Jae asked, burping again.

“The team I’m in is looking communication differences between Korean couples, Korean American couples and American couples, amongst other variables, like satisfaction, measures of relationship difficulty, a list of relationship events, a love languages test, etc. My general job is to be the Korean one, so I train our Korean interviewers, I translate the materials, and I write up the reports. But I’m going to be listed on six different papers by the end of this academic year.” Ella said and then she sighed. “I know it’s boring but it can be interesting, too.”

“Why are you researching that?” Brian asked.

Sungjin was staring at her. It wasn’t obvious when you looked at her how brainy she was, her head wasn’t abnormally large or anything. He didn’t know she’d spent over a year cultivating her appearance - she had been being the smart one, looking the smart one, it always meant being the un-pretty one. She didn’t want think about the time she still spent maintaining it.

“Because there are big cultural differences between collectivist cultures and individualist cultures, and Korea hasn’t been completely researched like the collectivist cultures of Japan and China.”

“What does that tell anyone?” Jae asked.

“Korea, China, and Japan have vastly lower divorce rates than the US. Love is different. But everyone wants love. Wouldn’t you want to understand love?”

“I do understand it, through music.” Brian said with a smirk.

“Isn’t looking at it from a psychological perspective a little too clinical for something like love?” Sungjin said in a low voice.

“Yep, but I’m trying to figure love out. Usually this kind of research is nothing but correlational and that’s not causal. People have some ideas about why it works with some and not others. The magic of love hasn’t been completely boiled down into chemicals.”

“Have you tried falling in love?” Jae asked.

“I thought I did, but that little experiment failed, taking a year of my life with it.”

“I’m sorry.” Sungjin said, patting her shoulder stiffly, unsure how to touch her right but knowing he wanted to touch her in a way that felt warm and right.

“Ok please talk about anything else but me and my research because I could talk all night about that and it will bore you all to tears.”

“I’m in college.” Brian said raising his hand. “I’m studying business.”

“Oh good luck!” Ella said, more genuine than Sungjin was expecting. He liked listening to her and getting to talk with her. She had a different perspective than him on most things. They talked about movies and TV shows before they moved onto music, discovering they actually had similar tastes. By that point in the evening, Jae and Brian had slipped away, leaving Sungjin and Ella to be in relative privacy.

By the end of the night, Sungjin knew Jae had been right. He wasn’t about to stop thinking about Ella, stop imagining somehow being her boyfriend, getting to be the one that got some of her beautiful smiles all to himself.

If only each time he thought that he didn’t automatically think about how dating was just about the exact opposite of what he was supposed to be doing - giving everything to his career...

#song girl #sungjin #park sungjin #fan fiction #fan fic #fanfic #day6 #scenario #reaction #mine #kpop

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silverxblade · 7 years ago

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About Me

IN GENERAL:

REAL NAME: Kioanha, Kio, Kim. ( I preferred Kio )

NICKNAMES: Kio, Kyon-Kyon, Kimi, Kimiko, Ki-chan, Dork-chan, Geeky-chan, Creepy masked girl (So on... )

SEXUALITY: Demisexual, Graysexual. As I only feel attraction to someone if I form an emotionally attachment bond to them. Often I would intermediate between asexual and sexual (more so the former than latter) and often not usually experience sexual attraction and desire. i may ave many attachment... but it is unlikely I would want to involve anything sexually.

PREFERRED PRONOUNS: She/her.

ARE YOU A MORNING PERSON?: Er... depends on the day. One day I can be a sunshine happy chirpy dork in the morning who can sing I’m a Barbie girl... to a hissing, bitching rattle snake the next. But I’d like to think I’m usually neutral in the morning and can go either way. If I slept real late though... I’ll just be grumpy when I wake up xD.

WHEN SWIMMING, DO YOU PREFER TO DO IT IN THE OCEAN, OR IN A LAKE?: Already swam in the sea, went out to the ocean. I’m not looking forward to swimming in Lakes though.... who know what parasite and worms lurking around and getting into your body .-.. Plus, I’m not exactly a watery person, unless it’s a shower.. I don’t even like swimming pool due to lack of hygienic -cringes-. Dry land is my best friend 8D.

ON TUMBLR:

ANYONE YOU WOULD LIKE TO MEET IN REAL LIFE?: Yup. I’d like to meet @bite-x-the-x-bullet my little baby bro~ @the-tender-princess she seemed like a cool gal 8D, I indefinitely I wanna meet @moonlit-theft this girl is full of inspiration xD. I’ll greet y’all with my weirdo creepy mask xD;;.

ANYONE YOU HAVE MET IN REAL LIFE?: I’m a hermit who lives under a rock, why would I go out and social, when I’m painfully shy? ;A;... heck I even need to hide behind a creepy mask to talk to someone... and my mother had to throw them all out just because xD;;..

WHEN DID YOU FIRST JOIN? I’ve joined on Tumblr I believe back in 2013, not as the current Blog, but as Syo Kurusu from Uta prince no Sama, because I wished to interact more with an ex (I’d believed) ... sadly they sort of ditched me and I was utterly lost. That Blog is current on permanent Hiatus and still is. (Ah the memories it brings back).

YOUR CURRENT ACCOUNT?: This one, but it is just shy of half a year, due to moving this blog out from being a side blog. I’ve made a mistake of having Syo blog as a main when I am hardly on him xD, Lass deserved a main. Otherwise, Lass would been made on Tumblr back in 2013 as well.

ANY PEEVES?: I have a lot of peeves, but I’d like not to disclose them. OvO;; I don’t want to be seen as a difficult person, with my lengthy list of pet peeves that makes anyone’s shopping list of grocery like a walk in a park. But one main thing that peeved me the most, ‘DO NOT tell me what to do,’ I have people trying to control me before and I ABSOLUTELY loathed this.

Secondly; If you HATED the way I portrayed Lass, UNFOLLOW immediately, do not spread shit about me that I give no crap about. I had this issues on Deviantart, and moved to Tumblr. I hate people moaning and belly aching the way I utterly portrayed Lass ‘WRONGLY’. There is no wrong or right way how people RP as a certain muse, every one is unique and have their own interpretation, do not PUSH your pettiness view on me with hateful words.

UNPOPULAR OPINION: er... I had a few but I can’t think of them on top of my head at the moment. Maybe the odd shipping?

FEELINGS:

DO YOU EASILY GET JEALOUS?: Yes. I get jealous and possessive so easily. But I’ve rather keep it under wrap. This isn’t something pleasant.

DO YOU EASILY GET ANGRY?: YES! YES! AND YES! Lordy, I’m so quick to anger and temperamental it is unreal xD;;. To my closest circle of friends, you will see me ranting like a bitchin’ rattle snake hissing, to others... I’ll be a neutral and quiet person who doesn’t wanted any immediate conversation. To this I apologize in advance, because I’m usually a chill out person.

ARE YOU EASY TO CHEER UP?: Yes. As quick to temper as I am quick to cheer up xD;; it’s not that hard to please me. Jokes, giggles and playing games while laughing as dorks will easily do the tricks.

ARE YOU GOOD AT HIDING YOUR EMOTIONS?: I’ve been told I am. Irony when I’m an open book and anyone can easily read me. But I am also told I’m just like my name, cold as metal and often do not express as well as I easily express. I intermediate in between honestly. With all honesty, I’d rather express my happy side than the ugly one, haha.

WHAT’S THE VERY BEST WAY TO CHEER YOU UP?: The above easy way to cheer me up. I believed the best way to talk to me when I am feeling aggressive or brooding... is just simply be there, and be a comforting support during my down time. Try not to be severe or step in my landmine, then we’re good. I’m not a difficult person xD;;..

RELATIONSHIPS:

ARE YOU CURRENTLY IN A RELATIONSHIP?: No. And I have no plan for anything romantic, or have any romantic interest. But I cannot predict the future, if I meet the right person xD. For now, no, I am not looking for anyone, not seeking any romances. I only want companionship. BUT Does being married to me PS4 count? 8D -brick’d-

DO YOU CURRENTLY HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: No. I’m kind of done with school girl crushes, ultimately, made a fool out of myself. I generally hate people (most anyway) and I will avoid any sort of romantic attachment, and further making a bigger fool out of myself.

IF YES, MIGHT THAT SOMEONE BE READING THIS? N/A

DO YOU KISS ON THE FIRST DATE?: Are you kidding? I’m the most skittish person D8 the unfortunate soul who tries would get a slap to Nirvana. or just shoved into the lake next to them LOL. Generally I do not liked to be touched, not without flinching. I’m painfully shy face to face, physical contact only when I’m comfortable enough. I wouldn’t initiate the kiss either... Only cling, nothing else xD;;.

DO YOU PREFER GOING OUT, OR STAYING HOME, WHEN IT COMES TO DATES?: I work on accommodating within comfort zone. If going out relaxes, then yes, if staying at home watching movies or playing games... I’m down for that. I’m flexible for either... unless I’m feeling Lazy. I do not like awkwardness... if that happens, I would have aversion to that person >_>;;

THINGS:

FAVORITE DRINK: Coffee. Tea. Iced Frappé. I have no preference as long as it is not alcoholic, I don’t like the taste of alcohol.

FAVORITE FOOD: Again.... no preference in generally. Food is food. But I do hate Onions and bland meals .-.;;. I eat less meat as well, so I will have the tendency to avoid too much meaty meals. But if I had to pick, I love savory and spicy foods <3

Repost :: DO Not Reblog

TAGGED BY : @bite-x-the-x-bullet and @amaranth-vitae (I am not happy with you both >T ))

TAGGING: @seraphxx @alongxthexroadxtoxdawn @moonlit-theft @ryusxnka @akuserru @yorhanovemixs @blackcuttingmoon @aimlessarchxr @thelightsguardian @theicequeenslion @the-tender-princess (And anyone else who wants to do this xD;; )

#about the Mun #「Miscellaneous」

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ark-of-eden · 7 years ago

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R is drunk and raving (not in the party way).

(R:) Additionally, I’m procrastinating like a fucking champion at working on fic construction, so you know the best use of my time is going off about random social media crap on the internet.

tl;dr: Putting all commentary in tags on Tumblr makes R cry and shit thousands of words into the Internet.

Every social media site inevitably develops sets of unwritten social conventions. Some of them actually make sense as being derived from meatspace etiquette and therefore you don’t really have to stress about remembering them as long as you play nice like a decent creature.

And some of them just don’t make any fucking sense that I can see. Folks on Twitter using a deliberately space-limited form of media to write a page’s worth or more in a string of 30+ rapidfire tweets? This is just how it’s done over there? (Tweetlonger exists but for some reason these massive chain-tweeters never seem to use it. Same with posting the whole thing in a long-form site like LJ/DW/Tumblr and just linking it to a tweet.)

And Tumblr has things that I literally had to put effort into learning after I migrated here, and after I learned about them I frankly decided to ignore them because I couldn’t see the point in them. Tumblr has this bizarre allergy to commentary and, likely derived from that, the practice of instead commenting by putting it all in awkward tags that render the tagging system not especially useful and are harder to get to if you’re actually interested in an individual’s thoughts about a thing and not just the twelfth instance of the same post crossing your dash in a day or two. It’s not like you can’t engage with people, because asks and messaging and such exist, but like...there’s this strong sense that it’s Terribly Ill-Mannered to weigh in with your own impressions right there, in the body of the post, typing your own words in that seductive, wide-open text box that appears all on its own when you go to reblog something. The properly-socialized Tumblrite eschews that tempting text field and instead posts weird sentence fragments in tag form (interspersed with actual tags that might serve to usefully categorize the post’s content), to the extent that some people can add on a good couple paragraphs of material down among the hashtags where others need to go looking for it on purpose if they want it. (I, at least, haven’t been able to find a plugin or something that automatically expands full tags on all posts so that I don’t have to fuck around with extra interface elements to get to them. I admit that I haven’t looked super hard, though.)

Preserving the original form of the OP’s post is a noble practice that I heartily support, but how is adding commentary a problem if you’re only adding a separate thing, not taking away or altering anything in the original...? This was already a practice/convention/code of social interaction on Tumblr when I got here, so I was never in the front row to witness this element taking shape. I suppose it must have made good sense at the time, but every time I see ten people reblogging the same post with no additions and a paragraph of tags appended to it, it’s like a splinter in my brain that has been digging into me for years now.

And I’m not hating on people who do that! I get that that’s The Way It’s Done Here and I am the deviant weirdo for continually adding comments directly onto things that I reblog. Tags are where individuality lives here, unless you’re producing your own original posts, which I guess other people are then supposed to reblog without commentary so that you have to go hunting after all the reblogs individually if you want to get an actual sense of what these people were all thinking when they reblogged your thing. It all just seems...so...WORK INTENSIVE, refusing to use site functions as they were intended??

Look, I absolutely know that my commentary is not the work of incisive genius that unfailingly adds value to every post I find worthy of my attention. We’re pretty much solid shitposting on this blog. Because I’m a little loaded at the moment and that gives me a handy excuse to run my fingers like an idiot (plus I put that readmore up there, so if your eyes are actually consuming these words, you have only yourself to blame for being here), let me run down relevant history of how we got here.

LJ was home for a good long while. Then shit got seriously messed up and Dreamwidth was created as a better LJ, so we migrated all our stuff over there. And journaling sites along those lines still feel like a native environment. I, in particular, am the most long-winded piece of shit we know and I am honestly incapable of talking about anything of worth in short form. It’s a sickness and I just sort of have to own it. :/ But that’s why journaling sites are a good place for me to live, because that’s where people go when they have the inclination to read meandering scrawls about the depths of other people’s lives or whatever.

We went to Twitter for a good while because all the cool people we knew from LJ were going there for some unfathomable reason. These people wrote things that were complex and fascinating to read, so all of them jumping ship to a place that limited them to 140-character chunks made no damn sense, but we loved those people and wanted to trust that they knew what the hell they were doing. And they probably did, and a couple of us were actually okay with Twitter, but I, being the long-winded shitpiece, spent a lot of time frustrated and kind of overstimulated.

Then things started going to hell more and more consistently for me personally (and us generally by extension, but that’s unnecessary detail). Bunkering down specifically to protect people that you care about from the fallout of your crazy is a fairly common thing for mentally-ill people to do, I think. So I’d shut up online until I felt stable enough to talk to people again. Those periods lasted a few days, then a week or more, then a month, then eventually I stopped talking entirely. I missed the LJ/DW format, but in the past I’d written about life events and things I was thinking about and such, so...at the time, all I really had to write about was the bad stuff. So LJ/DW was basically unusable as well.

I literally came here to be as shallow as I could possibly manage. Tumblr had a rapid, chaotic flow similar to Twitter, but could hold longer content like LJ/DW. We’ve never really used the site’s full functionality at any point, though. For at least a year, all we were following was the most lightweight, zero-calorie entertainment that we could find. (We actually came here for Flight Rising content, so there was a lot of that.) Being engaged with fandom in any consistent respect is an extremely recent thing.

And I’m not saying that fandom hasn’t got depth and complexity because it absolutely does and that’s one of the beautiful things about shared fan experiences. I kind of got into that sort of fandom by accident after getting here and rediscovering Transformers. But the unvoiced policy that I’ve always had here is to avoid the Too Real and dodge serious topics whenever possible. Thus, no gender theory, no neurodivergence or multiplicity, no nonhumanity, no religion or UPG, nothing with real substance behind it that bared real vulnerabilities. (Apparently this was a good move anyway because the nonhuman and multiplicity situation here on Tumblr is a bit of a clusterfuck? I honestly wouldn’t know, as I haven’t made a lot of effort to link up with those folks.) That’s still the policy. That might remain the policy forever until I reach some vaguely-defined threshold of sanity that makes me worthy of talking about those things in places and formats that other people can interact with.

And I’m sorry for all this talk about mental illness, but it’s simpler just to explain things clearly. I likely won’t go into any more detail about it on Tumblr. Or anywhere else, because I care about people even if I’ve never met them or talked to them at all and I still want to keep it all in the bunker to protect good people from the crazy. Sometimes, all you can do is just prevent the damage from spilling out into other people’s lives, and that’s the place that I usually operate from.

I’m still pretty drunk, so I’m allowed to ramble from too much truth serum, but all of that explanation was to get around to saying that the format of online communication that is most intuitive to me is the long, oversharing gut-spill of random people talking about things that are really meaningful to them - not in the sense of elaborate philosophy or artsy epistles to the cosmos, but just people being super real about things that are meaningful to them and going into lots of detail about them because gushing about things you love is great. And it’s possible to get that sort of discussion and gushing in Tumblr fandom, and I love it because it reminds me of better times, and the fact that I love it is WHY IT MAKES ME SO GODDAMN FRUSTRATED that Tumblr culture is basically stifling discussion and feedback and RESPONSE to things that people find interesting!!

Like, here’s how I see it. Unlike on LJ/DW, where you were limited to hyperlinking to a cool post in one of your own posts if you wanted your readers to go check it out, on Tumblr, if you find a super cool thing, you can pull it directly into your space and let other people experience it directly, exactly as you experienced it. But the thing is, I also subscribe to the My Blog My House concept. If I pull a thing into my “home,” I do it because there’s something homelike about it; it belongs in my home for some specific reason. I don’t take “ownership” of an item in the sense that I’m claiming it in place of its creator, but I’m taking ownership of it in the sense that it’s part of my Stuff now and it’ll get my fingerprints all over it and be blended into the general morass of Stuff that I recognize as my home. I don’t just pull random crap into my home for no reason at all.

And I just figure that other people are similar in the sense that they reblog things for distinct, unique reasons, not in the sense that they have some master plan for their blog content (some do, but it’s not necessary), but just that they have compelling reasons why they pick certain bits of content out of the larger river of their dashboard and put it in their own space for people to experience with them. I follow people based on the interesting things that they find interesting. I’m interested in why they’re interested in those things. They seem like interesting people to me because they’re interested in what they’re interested in.

But the WHY is a really important part of the equation for me. Did this person reblog that photo because they’ve been to that place themselves, because they like that kind of tree, because they reblog photos with that color scheme every Thursday? Did that person reblog that piece of art because they love that character, because they’re studying that art medium, because it reminded them of something funny they saw somewhere else? People attach their own context to things that they latch onto. It’s so freaking weird to me that people have to hide their interpretations or impressions in tags here on Tumblr, making them unimportant and optional in the process of sharing things they like with others. (Okay, people also share a lot of things they hate, but reasons for outrage are still part of the context that one adds to content.)

I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE SHOWING ME. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT MAKES IT IMPORTANT TO YOU. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT MAKES YOU THINK AND FEEL. Even if it’s a blurb about how giant robots fuck or a cute kitten video, I NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS.

Not in excruciating detail or with insightful analysis or even a lot of text at all. Mostly, the things that people put in tags are things that, to me, are a really crucial part of the experience of being able to go into someone’s “home” and see the Stuff that they chose to put in it. Reducing oneself to a glorified signal repeater is...okay, I guess, though it turns a Tumblr blog into a kind of faceless stream of other people’s material a lot of the time. The personal touch is what makes it all interesting. And I’m just unutterably frustrated that, somewhere along the line, it was decided that personalizing an experience by sharing one’s own impressions of it became rude enough that polite society decided that it had to be hidden away in tags. I want all of it, so I do go looking for it, but omg it requires MORE EFFORT and BURNING CALORIES and BODILY MOVEMENT and WAAAAH, you know what I mean. :P

And possibly Tumblr society is right and it’s done for a good, decent purpose and I’m being pigheaded and uncool by insisting on doing things my way without bothering to try and understand the local customs. I’m not usually that much of an asshole, but I am about this, for some reason. And I admit that my craving for those personal touches could very well spring from how utterly isolated and lonely I am, so maybe normal people really don’t need all the extra info and actually do just want mostly-impersonal streams of content. And that’s fine, since I know I’m kind of a weirdo even on my best days.

I’m pretty sure that that was all that I really wanted to say. I’m probably overreacting about the whole comments-in-tags thing. Like I said, it’s kind of an irrational irritation. Also, I need to stop before I write myself sober and no longer have an excuse for all of this. If you actually read all of that, you are an awesome, generous person and I’m pretty damn certain that I love you even though I have no idea who you are.

#long post #social media #mental illness #personal history #content tagging #really i should illustrate the issue by putting a shitton of additional material down here in the tags but i'm kind of cashed out now #does anyone else experience that thing where typing directly into tumblr's post box lags like an absolute motherfucker #istg typing this out took me twice as long as it should have because i kept having to wait for tumblr to catch up to the last 20 words #not like i exactly type like a wind ninja necessarily but just that tumblr exists in a perpetual state of shitting on itself #i kind of feel bad for the poor thing #that feels faintly stockholm-syndrome-like but oh well #gratuitous tag abuse #i totally wasted an evening but at least that is all out of my system now #tbh i hate relying on alcohol for things like helping me write stuff easily but i feel more emotionally de-constipated now #seriously bless everyone who actually read all that shit #you are loved

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